#listen tumblr has never been this great wonderful place you all make 2013 tumblr out to be

[monty-green]

listen like... i know you all like to look at the past with some strong rose-colored glasses of nostalgia on but like... i was here on tumblr in 2013 and it wasn’t some safe haven where the most cringe-inducing thing was the existence of superwholock like...

people were still bullying others off of this site in 2013 and i distinctly remember at least one or two instances where there were nights that people throughout fandoms would have to spread messages of love and support to artists (usually minors at that) who were getting mercilessly bullied and being told that they should kill themselves over their ships and their art and the superwholock fandom itself had a few memorable times where we feared certain members of the fandom would commit suicide sometimes because of all the unwarranted hate they were receiving

also, there was without a doubt tons of discourse, but it was usually more related to television shows and movies and a bit less linked to real life things (like the current, seemingly never ending ace discourse). like, people were having discourse over whether or not it was okay to make “hail hydra” jokes (which like... it isn’t, but in that climate it was well accepted despite being obviously anti-semitic), and that’s just the most notable thing i remember from that time period. there was an entire “say-no-to-superwholock” blog documenting the cringe-worthy things (as well as racist and homophobic and other shitty things the fandom did) that were going on, and the creators of that blog obviously got sent a shit ton of anon hate and were eventually shut down by tumblr. there was a lot of fighting within fandoms and certain fandoms purposely distanced themselves as far as they could from the superwholock fandom because it was such a toxic place and people (rightfully) didn’t want to be involved in a community that was misogynistic, racist, and fetishized homosexuality, and the major decline of the superwholock fandom and the immediate criticism of each show’s flaws there after i really believe is what (at least partially) paved the way to the current discourse on racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, and other horrible things that are still currently embedded within fanbases.

i guess the point of this is to say that tumblr has always been a sort of shitty place and just stop looking at the past as if it was some sort of much better place where the worst thing was the superwholock fandom. also, in case you all are forgetting, one of the most major scams happened back in 2014 lmao dashcon was without a doubt only able to thrive because of the climate of tumblr of that time because it was so heavily focused on fandom loyalty and you pretty much had to be part of the “in-group” (read: the superwholock + mcu + also homestuck usually?) to fit in on the website. Anybody that wasn’t within that “in-group” was met with usually confusion and sometimes even hostility because somebody dared to insult (aka, rightfully criticize) their favorite show, and it was only a great time if you were either an aesthetic blog watching from the distance or if you were within one of the few accepted fandoms

additional edit: totally just remembered the entirety of “callout culture” which basically consisted of one user disliking another, so they would drag up any post they made (even if it was from like three years ago and they had apologized at least ten times since that post was made) that was Problematic and would get their own follower army to go send fucking anon hate to whatever user they didn’t like... oh and uh, usually this was either minors fighting with each other, or grown adults harassing minors. obviously, both these situations were shitty in their own ways, but yeah no i genuinely remember grown adults harassing 15-16 year olds over problematic posts they made when they were 12. yes, this was a real thing.

[thatmiddle]

Top 10 Albums that Shaped my Existence

How do I put this lightly, I believe listening to music matters as much as breathing. I know that is hyperbolic, but I don’t care. It can fuel your soul in a similar way that air fuels your body to move. It brings to life moments, places, and people. That’s probably why if you listen closely music is everywhere. It’s in the steel drums at Union subway station or the clarinet player at Yonge and Dundas Square. It’s is found from a broken guitar with unclipped strings in Kensington Market to a radio blasting out of an open window. It’s heard from the lake on a cool breezy summer night. It’s made by the leaves in the trees and the creatures roaming its branches. Music is inescapable.

Music is also a lot cheaper than therapy and for most, it is incredibly accessible. In saying that I do not mean to conflate therapy to music, but I do think there is a healing power to songs. This form of artistic expression has been with me during my brightest minutes and my darkest hours. I have relied on it like Aladdin did his magic carpet; it lift me up and took me to places I never thought I’d ever go. All I have to do was turn it on, tune in and drop out, as some would say.

During this pandemic I have leaned heavily into music, it is the perfect socially distanced escape. During this time that I have also gone back to old albums and reflected on how they influenced me and shape who I am today.

In Rainbows - Radiohead

If I had owned this album in an analogue form I would have destroyed it by overplaying it in my Discman. Radiohead is a wonderful band that have made wonderful albums but for some reason, this is the particular one I return to. To me, In Rainbows is the music I heard when I realized that I wanted to take my life in a different more creative direction than that of my peers. In Rainbows is the album I heard on carpool rides to Shakespeare Camp as a young girl. In Rainbows is what played in my head the first time I walked into Kensington Market as a young naive suburban girl. The music is so diverse with its sound but creates a distinctly modern tone. I find the music runs like a stream and cascades into fountains of sound I never expected. All the songs are beautiful but my favourite from the album has always been House of Cards.

Brothers - The Black Keys

If In Rainbows was an early marker of my youth, Brothers by The Black Keys established my teenage self and heavily moulded how I carried myself into my early twenties. With the raunchy guitar, hard drums and vocals somewhere between garage rock and blues, this album stimulated every part of my life. It is one of those albums that upon listening to the first fifteen seconds of the opening track Everlasting Light, I am immediately taken back to driving around in Toronto suburbs and getting into trouble. This album started my ongoing obsession with The Black Keys. Fun fact I named my first Tumblr blog off of a misreading a song lyric in the track The Only One, which also happens to be one of my favourite tracks on the album. I’ve tried to see The Black Keys live twice and both times I was unable to attend the concert. One day I will see them.

Revolver - The Beatles

There are a lot of Beatles albums I love and I wouldn’t say this is my favourite of theirs, but it is I would argue its one of their more underrated albums. From what I have gathered about Beatles fans (having been one since I was six years old), this choice isn’t mutually exclusive. It does however seem that established fans love either Rubber Soul or Revolver. For me, I choose the latter. This album is very experimental for the band as they were still coming out of their admired boy band era. I came to this album as a young girl whenever I played with my toys in the living room of my childhood home. I always heard a Beatles album playing in the background and when Revolver came on I was elated. My toys went on new adventures, met new people and told new stories. The Beatles have always brought out the creativity in me and I’m very grateful for that. Check out the song I’m Only Sleeping, it’s so meditative and my most replayed track.

Man on the Moon: The End of Day - Kid Cudi

I wasn’t in a good place when I was fortunate enough to be introduced to this album as being a teenager can be an incredibly difficult experience. Yet upon hearing this album I was pleasantly surprised, I never expected to find that catharsis in a young American rapper named Kid Cudi. I always liked some rap and hip-hip songs (don’t ever get me started on the importance of Sean Paul), but foolishly enough I never gave a full album or artist the chance. Man on the Moon found me at the right moment. This album’s production is so complex and crosses genres in ways I never expected; it leaves me wanting more every time. Kid Cudi hip-hop is different, Kid Cudi hip-hop goes deep and feels it. While Day ‘N’ Nite is one of the most recognizable songs on the album don’t sleep on Heart of a Lion, it’s beautiful.

For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver

Like many teens in the mid-2000s, I made a Tumblr account. It was a great place filled with hormone-induced rage posts, images of skinny girls ripped from the website We Heart It, and boundless creativity. As a previous webpage creator hailing from the Geocities days, site creation was not new to me. I took up a URL and got to work. During this time I leaned deeper into the ‘indie girl’ aesthetic, which is where I found Bon Iver. Bon Iver’s music is soft and melodic and his guitar strums could whisk you away on a cloud. For Emma, Forever Ago was the soundtrack to the version of me who longed for combat boots, a-line skirts from American Apparel, and a cute hipster boyfriend to take me away from all my problems. I never got everything I wanted, but I was always able to sit in deep thought and listen to this album and for that, I’m incredibly grateful. The Wolves (Act I and II) is one of my favourite tracks off the album, I love the crescendo towards the end of the song it makes me want to release any bad feelings I have through some strong movement.

Is this it - The Strokes

I don’t remember when I first heard this album, I just know it was an unofficial anthem to my early twenties. Was it playing at that frat party? Or maybe it was at the live show in that bar one time. Is This It is the perfect album for starting out in a new place with dreams and about $20 to your name. This album is made for people entering young adulthood making mistakes and living for the moment. Garage rock is such an underrated genre, but perhaps that’s the suburban girl in me speaking. I want to dance every time I hear a track of this perfectly crafted experience. I hear those guitar riffs and I am taken back to running through Toronto at midnight with friends. Is This It is unapologetic and an outstanding debut album for The Strokes and cemented their status as indie rock legends, I don’t care what anyone says. There are a lot of amazing songs to recommend but I will try and spice things up. Last Nite and the title track Is This It are obvious choices but the bop you need to listen to is Someday.

Wish you were here - Pink Floyd

Everyone has to listen to Pink Floyd in university otherwise they never went…right? Pink Floyd always felt like a right of passage that I would eventually reach although I did cheat and wear a Dark Side of The Moon cropped t-shirt I got from HMV in high school just to seem cool. It wasn’t until first-year university I fell in love with the song Wish You Were Here. I’m sure I was just feeling nostalgic after moving out of my suburban bubble and into the big city for the first time. Nevertheless, after annoying my new roommates by listening to that song on repeat in my bedroom I decided to give the rest of the album a shot and immediately fell in l love. It is a short ride but an emotional journey. I thought I had felt everything I needed to feel at 21, then I heard Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Pts 1-5). If you were living under a rock and haven’t heard this album I recommend it. And do check out that track.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar

Swimming Pools was everywhere in 2012, it was synonymous with the nightlife which was surprising given its lyrics. Good kid MAAD city takes the ideas explored in Swimming Pools and expands them into a full universe. As soon as I turned on the first song I felt like I had been lifted from my cold Canadian home and into the chaotic Compton of Kendrick Lamar’s universe. This concept album has such depth I feel I learnt more than I would have ever expected. I love the way the album weaves recorded scenes with various characters and the music, it creates such a vivid picture as you listen through the whole piece. I felt deep sympathy towards the struggles told on the record in ways I never thought I would. Good kid m.A.A.d city is a great ride from start to finish without ever skipping a single track, but if you had to speed up to a gem I highly recommend the track Money Trees.

channel Orange - Frank Ocean

I was originally introduced to Frank Ocean through his work with Odd Future or as I proudly scribbled everywhere, OFWGKTA. Frank Ocean was always the quiet R&B guy from the group that I never thought I would have known much about but early 2013 rolled around all that changed. An old friend of mine had pointed me in the direction of new work by the musician and I ran towards the sound immediately. Frank’s voice is mesmerizing and he mixes sounds in ways I would never expect. His lyrics are dark and deep. This album got me through a lot of mixed emotions I started to experience as I worked my way through my undergrad. Frank understood what it meant to feel and I connected deeply with that. Pink Matter was the soundtrack to my life, I listened to it on repeat doing just about every task I could imagine.

House of Balloons - The Weeknd

I remember Toronto the year that The Weeknd released his first mixtapes. He was just an enigma floating through the city, no one could pin him down. I am one hundred percent one of the people who got their hands on the YouTube videos early and saved them immediately to my accounts. I wanted more and I didn’t know why. He captured a sound that still exists here today, it was dark and full of mystery. As soon as I got my hands on the first mixtape I popped that baby into my iPod and played it so much practically the full album made it to my ‘Top 25 Playlist’ on the device. I am obsessed with The Weeknd’s voice and as someone from Etobicoke, I am even more obsessed with the fact that he’s from Scarborough. He sounds like home to me and I will never be able to let that go. When I play this album (which is at least once every year I’ll have you know), I feel sure about who I am and where I come from. It’s not an explicit attitude to being from Toronto, but rather a feeling that you can carry throughout everything you do. The Weeknd carries that on a world stage and I am proud to say he is a Toronto native. Every song on the album is amazing and I say listen to them all, but do make sure you pay special attention to Loft Music. Nothing spells nightlife in Toronto more than at least one party in a condo or loft by Lake Ontario. I was actually asked to go to a late-night loft party by a random man at a Chinese restaurant one time so I can vouch for this happening in the city. Clearly, Abel knew what he was talking about.

Music is one of the most important things in my life. It is like a fuel I use to keep my motor moving. I find it anywhere and everywhere. I rely on it so much it has been the godsend I didn’t realize I needed during a pandemic. I think I am starting to understand why movies from the 1930s were so much about escapism; drifting off into another world during a difficult time can feel like magic.

What are 10 albums that shaped who you are? Let me know in the comments.

[thereadingchallengechallenge]

End of the Decade Favourite Book Tag

omg @bookcub this is such a cool idea! let’s see how well I remember reads pre-2015 😅

1. High fantasy books that are obsession-worthy idk if it’s all the way to obsession-worthy but y’all have gotta have a go at the Lightbringer series by Brent Weeks. it’s complete now with 5 incredibly long books but the characters are dynamic and the worldbuilding is awesome and I can’t wait to finally finish it in 2020!

2. Urban fantasy books filled with people you want as friends  I mean, I’ve always called them rural fantasy because the story takes place in a small town but the Wolves of Mercy Falls series is so lovely and I’d love Sam and Grace as friends :3 

3. Portal fantasy you fall in love with multiple times  The Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis - I didn’t read these as a kid even though I owned them and loved the movies. I read them all my first semester of uni in 2013 and absolutely loved them and I’ve revisited my favourites (The Magician’s Nephew, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) several times. 

4. Novella that just makes you sigh cause it’s so lovely  I just reread This Winter by Alice Oseman and it is so sweet even though it shows the characters at a very difficult time in their lives. It ties in with Heartstopper and Solitaire and just got a beautiful new cover too

5. Historically inaccurate but laugh out loud  [skipped]

6. Satire that makes you reconsider your whole world view  The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness - It’s got great commentary on the “chosen one” tropes we see so often in YA, has wonderful diversity and is just a really lovely story

7. Happy, happy, happy and sad, sad, sad A Note of Madness by Tabitha Suzuma - I reread this duology in February and I was amazed at how well she balances the happy moments with the sad ones in these two novels

8. No, I’m not too old for kids’ books, what are you talking about??? The Land of Stories by Chris Colfer - I bought the first one because I loved Glee but I got totally sucked into the fairy tale universe he created. I can’t wait to dive in again with the sequel series A Tale of Magic...

9. I’m also not too old for picture books either and never will be  I’ve been loving the Books to Drive Kids Crazy series by Beck & Matt Stanton. They’re loads of fun!

10. Whoa, never expected that ending and to have that much fun!!! I’m gonna go with Inheritance by Christopher Paolini, the last of the Eragon books, even though I remember only one scene from it 😅 I definitely need to reread the series but I remember being really surprised by the ending and so sad that the series that made me want to be a writer was over. 

11. Like I’m scared, but I’m happy about it All of Christina Henry’s fairy tale retellings. Lost Boy freaked me the heck out because I wasn’t expecting the horror elements lol but The Girl In Red is my favourite because disabled leading lady of colour 👍

12. Classically favourite  The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien - the movies really cemented this as my favourite of Tolkien’s books but I just love Bilbo so much and this book always cheers me up. 

13. Party in your ears  If I Stay by Gayle Forman - for the movie more than the book. the songs they wrote for Adam’s band in the movie are awesome and I listen to them all the time

14. Boom!!! Pow!!! Wham!!!  The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater - ^^^ the sounds of this book destroying my heart

15. Oh wow, that’s me!! A Scandal By Any Other Name by Kimberly Bell - the first time I ever read a book about someone with spina bifida, like me. It absolutely blew my mind and was the final sign I needed to start writing about characters like me because the feeling of being represented and understood absolutely blew me away <3 

16. I can’t stop thinking about this book The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson - it’s just a wonderful exploration of how victims cope with emotional abuse and I will forever be mad that the Netflix series made it Scary™ instead of exploring its actual themes and characters. I just want a faithful adaptation okay! 

17. A book you got from Tumblr that made it to your fave both of CG Drews’ books - A Thousand Perfects Notes and The Boy Who Steals Houses. two beautiful novels about teenagers dealing with abuse and poverty and finding ways to save themselves. I absolutely love them and I hope to the great publishing gods that she gets to keep writing forever <3 

18. A book you had high expectations for and then the author OVER delivered Amelia Westlake (Was Never Here) by Erin Gough - I tend to be pretty tough on Australian YA because I’m always looking for it to capture my experience as an Australian teenager and this novel is one of the closest I’ve found. the struggles Will and Harriet face with their teachers and parents and friends felt so true and I just loved that. I’ll sing this book’s praises to the moon and back 💫

tagging: @nothinglessthanseven @thelivebookproject @lost-in-a-story @coffeebooksorme @storytime-reviews and anyone else who’d like to join in :D

[talesfromthefreezerinmymind]

The Adventure of the Accidental Client

On this day in 1859 (May 22) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, was born.  

May is also Mental Health Awareness month. 

What do these two things have in common? For me, quite a lot. I’ll start this story in early 2012.

At that time I was a freshman at Maryville College, in my second semester of majoring in graphic design. I was completely miserable.

Why was I miserable, exactly? Well…

 I had no friends (turns out, I had never learned how to make them)

 I doubted that graphic design was the career for me (Imposter Syndrome vibes)

 I was homesick (even though I went home every single weekend)

I phoned my parents every night and told them about my day. During one such call, my dad told me about a show on Netflix that he’d started watching: Sherlock. It was made by some of the same people that made another favorite of ours, Doctor Who. I was intrigued, and had plenty of time on my hands, so I thought I’d give it a try.

If you know nothing of Sherlock Holmes (as I did when I first started watching the show), he’s a famous English detective residing in 221B Baker Street created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson solves mysteries in the late 1800s and early 1900s. But for Sherlock, the adventures are set in the modern day. Over the course of a week or so, I watched the whole first season. Normally I’m slow to warm up to things, but I was instantly hooked.

I kept watching the show. I read interviews with the cast and crew. I found a fan-run website with all sorts of lovely info. I discovered Tumblr and all the fandom madness that lives there. The second season had already premiered in the UK, and I dredged up info on it (and spoiled it for myself). I started reading the original novels and short stories that the show was based on. I read everything Sherlock Holmes in about 5 months. And then started reading it over again.

Sherlock had found me at just the right moment. I was unusually lonely. I was unusually bored. I saw myself in John Watson; a directionless man in need of a purpose. A deeply loyal man, without a friend to adhere to. I saw myself in Sherlock Holmes; a man whose mind is always running, who loves feeling clever and in control. A man for whom feeling like an outsider is normal, though not always welcome. In the words of John Watson, “I naturally gravitated to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers are irresistibility drained.” I was a lounger, an idler, and London had found me.

The Sherlock Holmes stories rekindled my love of reading, which had been dormant for a few years, and sparked a much more serious interest in writing. There was just something about how Doyle went from unknown medical man to literary giant that grabbed my attention. He started in one world and ended up in another. It got me thinking that perhaps though I began in graphic design, I could end up somewhere else: a published author myself. So I wrote more. And I read more. I changed my major in the Spring of 2013 to English with a concentration in Creative Writing (Oh, and I transferred to UT in the fall of 2012. I had to get away from Maryville. Fresh start. Sorta). In 2015, right after graduating UT, I joined an organization called the Society of Children's Books Writers and Illustrators. Long story short, in April 2016 I signed the contract for Roof Octopus, my first picture book.

Sadly, though, writing doesn’t pay much when you’re first starting out so I really did need a backup career for the moment. Fall 2015 I enrolled at Pellissippi State Community College (backtracking, I know, per the usual order of things) and began earning an associate’s in graphic design.

Though by this point I was far removed from my freshman year at Maryville, I still felt all the loneliness and failure that I had felt then (and I was still fanatical about Sherlock; third season came out in 2014). Honestly, I had been feeling watered-down versions of those emotions since my junior year of high school (that’s another story for another time). Plus, there was something else that I was carrying that was growing heavier over time: an addiction to daydreaming.

An addiction to daydreaming? Is that even possible? Well, it is possible. It even has a fancy name: Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MDD). It’s when a person’s habit of daydreaming is so obsessive that it interferes with everyday life. I would describe it like there’s a TV on in my head all day. It places my favorite shows, lots of reruns but new stuff, too. Your daydreams are like movies that you write and direct and star in and you can’t get enough. Part of the time they are white noise and I can ignore it. But more often than not, all I want to do is sit and watch. I have trouble focusing on what I’m reading or writing. I zone out super easily while listening to music or podcasts. I have trouble falling asleep for my mind not “turning off”. I zone out in class, at meetings, at church, and in groups of people when no one is talking directly to me. I daydream while driving and running and showering and cleaning and swimming and biking and just walking through my house. I’ve been struggling to focus while writing all this out; I’d rather daydream about writing this than actually do it. (Fun Fact: A big part of my daydreaming is I like to talk aloud while I’m doing it if I’m alone. On second thought, that’s probably more of an embarrassing fact than fun…)

People with MDD aren’t crazy; they don’t hear voices in their head or think people are around who really aren't there. They are fully aware that their daydream worlds aren’t real. But for some people MDD is so severe that they don’t leave their homes for days; they stay in and daydream their life away. Luckily, my MDD is not that severe. Often MDD is used as a coping mechanism. Even though I’ve never experience trauma like some people have, I still really crave an escape from life and all the emotions brought on by it.

I had never heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder until one day in the summer of 2016; I googled for ways to quit daydreaming and stuff about MDD was in the results. Up to this point I’d slowly been growing tired of my daydreaming. I’d always had an active imagination. Played pretend a lot as a kid, had imaginary friends. But in college it started to get out of hand. Particularly falling asleep was a struggle, or if I woke up super early, falling back asleep. It took me ages sometimes to write a paper or read through something. However, I had so much time on my hands that it didn’t really matter how much I procrastinated. (While at UT and Pellissippi, I still didn’t try to make friends.) I didn’t talk too much to anyone about how much I hated college. About how alone I was. I’m a Christian, but I didn’t pray about any of it. I didn’t talk about all the ways that I felt like a failure. I bottled it all up inside, because that’s what Sherlock did. Sherlock was a loner, who was never a failure. Emotions were for other people. He was too smart for them. Sherlock never seemed to let loneliness get to him, and I wasn’t going to let it either.

Anyway, the more I learned about MDD the more I was convinced that I had it. The most important thing that I learned about MDD was that people who struggled with it could get help. Therapy and medication (like antidepressants) had helped other people get control of their life once again. In the back of my mind, I began to wonder: I had been using MDD to help cope with life, but now did I need help coping with MDD? Nevertheless, true to my never-bare-my-soul nature, I shared these discoveries and questions with absolutely no one.

I kept on keeping on. Finished a year at Pellissippi (still worried about whether or not I could make it as a graphic designer). Signed that book contract. Stayed close (as close as you can be without spilling your guts) to my friends at home, who I usually had to make an effort to see (something I really missed from the good old days pre-college). Tried (and failed) not to freak out as some of those friends got married and/or moved off. Who needs friends anyway, right? They’ll just ditch you eventually; no one’s as loyal as John Watson. I daydreamed too much. I wrote and wrote. I worked at Cove Lake State Park in the summer. I started a second year at Pellissippi.

Then one night in December 2016, I stayed the night at my Nannie’s. After I went to bed, I, per usual, had a horrible time falling sleep. I laid awake for hours, but eventually drifted off.

The next day when I came home, my mom asked me if I had slept well.

That was all the provoking that I needed. I broke down and cried. I told her that I could hardly ever sleep because my mind would not turn off. My daydreaming had become too much. Once it had been my rescue, my escape from everyday life, but now I felt like I was going mad.

My parents talked it over together and decided that I should see someone professional. My mom made me an appointment at a counseling office. On December 20, 2016, I had my first meeting with my therapist.

It was rather surreal. In the first season of Sherlock, John sees a therapist because he’s trying to deal with returning home from war. In January 2017, just mere weeks after my first appointment, the fourth season of Sherlock aired. In in the first episode, Sherlock (spoiler) himself pays a visit to John’s therapist. Sherlock actually needs help and he’s actually asking for. And I had just done the same thing. Life is funny like that sometimes.

Over the last 3+ years my therapist has helped me understand a lot about myself. Anxiety has been present in my life for several years now. Talking to people I don’t know, and even people that I do know, often gives me some level of anxiety. I’m always worrying if I sound weird or dumb or boring. I never know what to talk about. Therapy has helped me build up my confidence so it’s much easier for me to talk to others now. Am I still an introvert? Oh, yes. Can I carry on a conversation with someone I just meet? Yeah. Do I always want to? No, not really. But I’m much more willing to try it now.    

I’ve always hated change, good or bad. Watching friends grow up and reach life milestones (marriage, kids, dream job) all while I changed majors, changed jobs, and had little luck in the dating realm was (and still is) rough. Therapy has helped me be a little more okay with changes in my life. I’m not so scared of the future as I once was.  

I prefer to keep to myself. I’m a perfectionist and a control freak. I hate asking for help. I always feel like an oddball, even among my close friends. I love feeling clever. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate change.

I am Sherlock Holmes.

Therapy keeps me in check. Keeps from going over the edge. Helps me understand myself, the world around me, and those in it. It helps me become a better version of myself.

Therapy is my John Watson.  

I don’t know what would have happened to me had I not discovered Sherlock when I did. I do believe that God knows exactly what types of things would catch my attention (i.e. mysteries and best friend adventures) and perhaps that’s why and how things turned out the way they did. He is the Great Author, after all. I am thankful that He loved me even through the times that I was not a fan of myself, running and hiding from everyone, including Him.

I’ve told this story today because (1) I love telling stories. It’s why I write. It’s why I read. Heck, it’s why I’m addicted to daydreaming. Yep, I still daydream quite a lot, but I feel in control of it now. I’ve been taking an antidepressant for about two years now and that has helped with the daydreaming and my overall mood, too. I’ve also told this story today because (2) stories can save us. Sherlock Holmes saved me. I was a lounger, an idler, who wandered into 221B Baker Street in need of a mystery solved. What was happening to Lucy Branam? Can she be saved? Sherlock was just the detective for the job.

Happy 161st birthday, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Thank you for writing.

[inked-iwtfw]

January - 2019 - hsmuffintop

We all know how hard it is to find new writers on tumblr (let’s face it, it’s hard to do anything on tumblr these days), and that sometimes means talent gets buried. So, as two writers, we wanted to do something to highlight the wonderful talent the Harry Styles fandom has. 

If you’d like to take part, or you have a writer you’d like to see get some recognition, fill out this handy form HERE! Please don’t be shy about putting yourself forward, this isn’t a popularity contest, this is about you and your writing being found.

Here’s a shameless plug for our work! 

@harrystylesgotmefuckedup​ : Masterlist

@imnottherealharrystyles : Masterlist

Love, Mo and Van x

January’s brilliant author is @hsmuffintop

Find her writing HERE 

When did you start writing? Who inspired you to give writing a go?

I started writing in 2010, but didn’t post anything anywhere until 2011. I don’t remember anyone really inspiring me to write. It was more of a way to get everything inside my head out, a way to deal with my life and terribly complicated 17-year-old feelings.

Tell us your 1D/Harry origin story.

I knew about One Direction around 2011/2012, who didn’t? I will admit I was one of those people who “hated” them because they were popular, not really ever giving them a chance. But then, one fateful day in 2013, I watched the Best Song Ever video and with the thought of “oh, they’re all really pretty,” my whole life changed. I dove in headfirst and never looked back. Harry has always been my favorite, at first because I thought he was the hottest member of the band, but then I started learning more about him as a person and that solidified my love for him.

Tell us why Harry is your muse.

He’s just...the best. He’s so kind and genuine; I’ve never heard anyone who’s met him say anything negative about him as a person. He makes me feel better about myself, which is hard to explain, but I’ll give it a shot. It’s mostly because he’s so confident in himself, especially with his fashion choices, and he doesn’t care what other people think, which is a huge change from when 1D first started out. He’s grown to love himself over time and that’s really inspiring to me. He’s also got an amazing muscular body with some soft spots here and there, and that makes me feel better about my soft spots. If Harry has them and can be seen as so perfect by so many people, maybe mine aren’t so bad.

Do you tell people you write fanfic? Do you tell people you write at all?

I don’t usually tell people in regular conversation, but if the subject of writing comes up, and I feel comfortable enough with the person to share that it’s fic that I write, then I’ll tell them. Most of the time, it’s something I keep to myself.

Do you have a writing playlist, or do you need complete silence to write?

Definitely complete silence. It’s hard for me to listen to something and try to string words together at the same time, especially when I’m making up dialogue or trying to describe something.

What’s your favourite thing you've ever written.

I have a couple WIPs that I’m really proud of, but my favorite fic that’s been posted is We Gamble With Desire, my Zirry fic. I love writing those characters so much, and I’ve got so many timestamps and continuations planned for that verse. I could write in it forever, honestly.

What's your favourite thing you've ever read? Fanfic and non-fanfic?

Favorite book has to be either The Outsiders or The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles. It’s a children’s novel kind of like The Chronicles of Narnia in that it’s about three kids who go on adventures in a fantasy world, but this world is created by the kids in their own imaginations. I’ve read it about ten times over the years and it never fails to make me happy.

Favorite fic, that’s a little more difficult. I’ve read so many! The first one to pop in my head is Landslide, one that I’ve only read once but has really stuck with me ever since. I think it sticks out because it’s the first actual AU that I read, one that takes place in 1976 with Harry as an undercover FBI agent and Louis as a suspected cult leader. It’s long, about 140K if I remember correctly, but it really gets you hooked fast. There’s also Big White Lie, an OT5 A/B/O fic (which I know some people aren’t into), and the Working For The Skin Trade series, in which girl!Niall is rich and hires male escorts to keep her company.

Do you tend to stick to one genre, or do you like to change things up a little?

I think all of my writing ends up being kind of the same. Mostly smut, some angst here and there, maybe some feelings sprinkled in. I’m trying to branch out a bit with some of my WIPs, so we’ll see what happens with those.

Do you have a fixed plan of what you're going to write, or do you just see where the story takes you?

A little bit of both? Sometimes I start with a fixed plan, then get to the end of that plan and go where the story takes me. Other times I start with a plan but it all goes right out the window once I start writing. It really depends on what it is I’m writing and what kind of mood I’m in while I’m working on it.

Is there a schedule you follow in terms of when you write? Or are you more impulsive and just write where and when you can?

Where and when I can, definitely. I can make plans to write on certain days, usually whatever weekday I have off from work, but sometimes motivation doesn’t line up with that. An idea will occasionally strike me when I’m at work or busy doing something else, so I’ll jot it down in my phone real quick so I don’t forget it. Maybe I should try and make a schedule for writing. It might work better than my current process.

Are your stories driven by plot or character?

Plot, I think. The ideas I have are usually more about the plot and less about the characters. If I feel like it’s going to be a long fic, I try and plan out the plot first and then figure out who I want my characters to be after. The main pairing probably changes two or three times before I find a couple that sticks and fits with the plot best.

Some readers are wary of leaving feedback because they're unsure how the writer will take it, how do you personally like to receive feedback? Do you want to be critiqued, or would you like to just know if they did or didn't enjoy what they've read?

I like people to let me know what they liked and didn’t like, and also suggestions of what they want to see next or what they think could have made the story better. It helps to know what people want to read so I can post things they’ll like.

Do you use a beta? If so, feel free to give them a shout out! How do they help you?

I don’t, but I would love to have one! I have a few friends who I can bounce ideas off of, but an actual beta would be lovely to have.

Is writing a hobby or do you have aspirations of writing professionally outside of fanfiction?

100% a hobby. I’ve played with the thought of writing professionally, because I love writing and getting paid to do it would be amazing, but I’m terrible at keeping to deadlines so professional writing probably wouldn’t be a good idea for me.

Do you post your writing in other places? Where do you you find to be the best place for your work?

I’ve only posted my writing on Tumblr and AO3. I think they’re both good platforms because it’s easy to post writing on them and feedback is easy to give and to get.

Favourite writing trope?

Oh, man. There’s so many to choose from! I like writing “they’re in love and everyone knows it but them” and all of its variations, and I love reading “oh no! There’s only one bed/couch/seat left! Whatever are we to do??”

AU or OU?

AU. I’m not great at coming up with original characters but I can come up with alternate universes in a heartbeat.

Preferred types of writing: Blurbs, short stories, or full fics?

Either blurbs or full fics, depending on what kind of mood I’m in. I like blurbs for second person/self-insert pieces because most of my blurbs are based on things that have recently happened to me or certain feelings I’m having and need to get out, but I like full fics because I like being able to take my time telling stories with more complex plots, and full fics allow me to take all the time I need to tell them.

Do you draw anything from your personal life? What inspires your subject matter?

I draw a good portion of the blurbs I write from personal experience. A lot of my early writing was me turning my daydreams about my various crushes into little things I would keep to myself, just things I would use to get the ideas out of my head so I could move on to other impossible and unrealistic daydreams. A lot of my big fic ideas stem from me wanting to read a certain thing and not being able to find it anywhere so I just write it myself.

What's your purpose for writing? What do you hope to accomplish?

I’ve never really thought about it, to be honest. The main reason I started writing was to get stuff out of my head. My first Tumblr fandom piece was written for somebody because they had an idea and didn’t know how to flesh it out, so I figured I’d do it. More recently I’ve tried to come up with ideas for things that may not exist yet, try to cater to the parts of the fandom that don’t always get things written for/about them. I just like being able to give people the opportunity to read something different and maybe make them happy along the way.

And finally, do you have any advice/tips for your fellow fanfic writers?

Something I’ve learned recently is that if you keep going back and editing every little thing until it’s perfect, two things happen: it’s never going to be perfect, and you’re going to start hating writing. It’s going to feel more like a chore than something you enjoy and look forward to. A way I’ve been trying to combat that is to post whatever I write after looking over it only a few times. So far I’ve only done this with blurbs, and it’s helped a bit. Another tip is to write whatever you want. Trying to write to satisfy other people puts too much pressure on yourself, so just write whatever and however you like. You’ll find your groove in time.

[ludicrousperson]

Get To Know Me Questions (Very long)

thanks for tagging me bubs @meeresnaechte <3

1. What is your first name? Michelle

2. What is your nickname? Michi, Ischi, E.T., Valera

3. What is your zodiac sign? Aries

4. What is your favorite book series? Definitely the Harry Potter Book Series

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? I believe in ghosts but not really in aliens? The term ‘aliens’ is so stigmatized, that I don’t support this term and it’s definition. But somehow I slightly believe that humans are not the only ones in space.

6. Who is your favorite author? Haruki Murakami

7. What is your favorite radio station? I don’t really listen to radio, but when I do, I skip along through every station while driving car.

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? I love to try the variety of all the flavors, but my go to flavor is definitely chocolate hehe.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Lovely or Cute/Adorable. I love it when something or someone is just themselves and it’s so pure and lovely and I want to give it/them all my heart.

10. What is your current favorite song? Don’t Settle - Ben Kyle

11. What is your favorite word? It may seem so casual but the word ‘Thanks’ or ‘Thank you’ (‘Danke’ in German) holds so much power and lots meaning. For me it is another way to express my thankfulness and love I hold for my friends and family. ‘Thank you for seeing me’, ‘Thank you for making me laugh’, ‘Thank you.’.

12. What was the last song you listened to? I am You - Stray Kids

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Breaking Bad, Narcos, Stranger Things & Goblin (KDrama).

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban & Therapie (by DieAussenseiter, German Youtuber).

15. Do you play video games? Currently I play ‘The Last of Us’. But rather than playing I really loooove to watch Let’s Plays of for example ‘Detroit: Become Human’, ‘Resident Evil’ aaand so on.

16. What is your biggest fear? Darkness & Loneliness. 

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I can be really spontaneous and would steal a car to drive to the ocean just for one hour so we can watch the sunset. Also I am really honest. You did something bad that’s not quite acceptable? Let’s talk it out and I will stay by your side to help you change your thinking/behavior or simply your mistake (vice versa counts for me).

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? My mind. I get nervous and tell myself that I am weird and that I am just annoying. That happens even when I am with my closest friends. Plus, I am sometimes very hot tempered. In a conflict I want to understand what my opposite thinks and what their opinion is, but it turns into me shouting quite fast.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Honestly I like both, but since I am allergic to cats, I love and praise doggos.

20. What is your favorite season? Spring Spring Spring and a bit of Autumn.

21. Are you in a relationship? No.

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? I miss that my parents never lived together and that I have never seen them together in one room.

23. Who is your best friend? I have 3. One I met through the Internet in 2013. One I met in school 4 years ago and that I didn’t like at the beginning and one who reached out to me in 2017.

24. What is your eye color? Brown

25. What is your hair color? Brown

26. Who is someone you love? My friends and my granny

27. Who is someone you trust? My friends

28. Who is someone you think about often? Someone who I can share my happiness with but haven’t met yet.

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? I am always excited for the little things. But right now I am lowkey excited for what this semester in University will gift me.

30. What is your biggest obsession? Music & Photography

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Spongebob and Disneys Recess

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? I have more male friends than female friends and I can talk as openly to them as to my female friends.

33. Are you superstitious? Slightly

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? I wouldn’t count it as a phobia but I get panicked as soon as I see too many people around me.

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind it. I love to capture the pure beauty of the nature and of my friends being themselves. I want to capture their beauty forever, even when ways start to split. The memories won’t disappear.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Photography.

37. What was the last book you read? Ein Kind - Thomas Bernhard

38. What was the last movie you watched? Annabelle 3. Saturday at a drive-in cinema with my best friend and her friends.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? I can’t play one but I am trying to learn the piano.

40. What is your favorite animal? Whales, Koalas and Birds.

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? Definitley @loewen-gebruell, kuss an dich

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Teleportation & Invisibility

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? At the ocean. Just watching the waves and the sun and the wind and the people. It feels like time stops while time is running by.

44. What makes you smile? When other people are happy, doesn’t matter if it’s because of me or because of something/someone else.

45. What sports do you play, if any? Zumba/Dancing, Handball and Badminton.

46. What is your favorite drink? Waaaaater

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? For my best friend on her birthday as a present in May.

48. Are you afraid of heights? A bit, depends on my current anxiety level haha

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Aggressiveness. I am so afraid if people get aggressive. 

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Yes. K.I.Z. in Essen & Monsta X in Berlin.

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? No.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I always wanted to teach or help children. Now I am trying to fulfill my wish into becoming a psychotherapist.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Aaaaaall the way Hogwarts.

54. What is something you worry about? I worry about my own future and about my family.

55. Are you scared of the dark? I am literally so scared when it gets dark. I need someone by my side to keep calm.

56. Do you like to sing? I love to sing and I would have already become a popular singer but sike my voice sucks so bad I don’t even like to speak in general because of my voice.

57. Have you ever skipped school? Yes hehe

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Wherever I know I am not going to stay forever.

59. Where would you like to live? I want to live in so many countries, but I am afraid to settle down somewhere for the rest of my life.

60. Do you have any pets? No.

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Early bird, but lately I am more a night owl uhu

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunrises. Even though I find sunsets so surprisingly beautiful, I cherish sunrises a lot more. My heart feels like ‘here we are, leave it behind, you had time, it is a new start, you can do it in your own pace’ and it just feels warm.

63. Do you know how to drive? Yes and it’s the only thing I am 100% confident in lol

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds.

65. Have you ever had braces? Yes I had and I plan on getting some again.

66. What is your favorite genre of music? Ballads & a mix of EDM and POP

67. Who is your hero? May I say ‘Gronkh’?. He is a Youtuber and I watch him and his videos since I am 12. He has been with me for all the past years and he is still with me even though I am 20. His words always gave me courage and gave me what I never received from anyone else. He has a strong Father Role in my eyes.

68. Do you read comic books? No.

69. What makes you the most angry? Lies

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? A real book.

71. What is your favorite subject in school? German & Chemics

72. Do you have any siblings? Yes, 4 Half-Siblings, all younger than me.

73. What was the last thing you bought? A hoodie for the drive-in cinema at night.

74. How tall are you? 170 cm

75. Can you cook? Since I live on my own I cook a lot and I didn’t get food poisoned yet so I think I can cook.

76. What are three things that you love? Late Nights, Spontaneous Roadtrips & Laughs.

77. What are three things that you hate? Toxicity, Self-Centered People & Hate in general. 

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? More male friends.

79. What is your sexual orientation? Straight by now but I don’t care who I am going to fall in love with.

80. Where do you currently live? In Austria for my studies.

81. Who was the last person you texted? My bestie @meeresnaechte

82. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday night.

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Gronkh.

84. Do you like to take selfies? Depends if I need a new profilepic.

85. What is your favorite app? Spotify & Tumblr

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Not good at all. My father disappoints me and breaks my trust to him everytime I visit him and my mother tries to be my best friend since she can’t act as a mother.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? Slavik and Australian.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Mongolia, Southern America and Antarctica.

89. What is your favorite number? 16

90. Can you juggle? No

91. Are you religious? I have been raised strongly catholic but I got myself out of this close minded thinking. Even though I don’t practice any religious “doings”, I try to compare my experiences with the religions opinion.

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? The deep ocean. The deep ocean is all around us and is covering 71% of the world we live on. So many lives live deep down in the ocean we have never seen and it’s the most undiscovered place on earth.

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? No.

94. Are you allergic to anything? Cats, Dust & Wheat

95. Can you curl your tongue? No

96. Can you wiggle your ears? No

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? 60% wrong, because I always try to see the good in someone and while not only hurting myself because of another disappointment, I hurt my closest friends as well.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? The beach. But the forest has something magical that will always leave me stunned.

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? “Do what makes you happy.”.

100. Are you a good liar? No and I don’t want to be.

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Hufflepuff

102. Do you talk to yourself? Most of the time since I live alone uhm

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? I am a situational extrovert.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? No, my Tumblr Blog is my diary since 2013.

105. Do you believe in second chances? Yes.

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Search for an ID and try to reach out to the person who lost it or give it straight to the owner of the place where I found the wallet or give it to the nearest police station.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? I have split opinions on it.

108. Are you ticklish? Yes.

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes.

110. Do you have any piercings? Yes, recently got a helix.

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Neville from Harry Potter, just imagining him as a best friend wow

112. Do you have any tattoos? Yes a Plumeria on my right arm.

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Not listening to others and making my own experiences.

114. Do you believe in karma? Yes.

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? No.

116. Do you want children? Yes, 3 to 5 children, but only if I am financially stable and if I can rely on my partner.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? Smart is anyone who found a way to live happily.

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? I don’t want to get reminded ciao

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? These dark circles under my eyes aren’t from sleeping.

120. What color are most of you clothes? Black & maybe some red here and there.

121. Do you like adventures? Always down for them, text me and I will show up at your front door with backpacks full of snacks and drinks and blankets let’s get it

122. Have you ever been on TV? No god thanks stay like this

123. How old are you? 20

124. What is your favorite quote? I have so many saved on my phone and written down in my notes, but one which I get reminded of most of the time is ”Erkennst du die nächste Gelegenheit, wenn sie passiert?” (”Do you see the next possibility when it’s happening?”).

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? I have a sweet tooth but spicy food has a special place in my heart.

People I want to get to know better:  @perrfectly @kuntergrau-mohae @loewen-gebruell

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Chris & Ellie Series: Episode 6

With Tumblr holding my original writing blog @beccaheartschrisevans captive (aka flagged as explicit), I have made a secondary writing blog and may end up closing the other all together. In the meantime, I am reposting all of my stories on my new blog.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language

Episode Summary: This episode takes place in August 2013. Guest appearances in this chapter include: Scott, Isabelle, Riley (Ellie’s youngest sister) and Eric (Isabelle’s boyfriend).

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

The Chris and Ellie series is primarily chronological.  It begins with a flash forward to 2016 and has a few other scenes in the future.  However, the majority of their story is told in chronological order starting in 2013 and going through 2017. Each episode starts with a date to help you place it within the story.

The Chris & Ellie Series Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Episode 5.5

Episode 6: Full House

August 3, 2013

Chris Evans awoke with a start after the side of his face received a slobbery, wet lick. Groaning, he opened one eye and could sort of make out Daisy's stout figure standing next to him on his bed. For a brief, sleepy second he wondered how she got into his room, but then he recalled that he had dog sat her for Ellie the night before and had felt guilty about locking the dog in the kennel when it was time to go to bed. The dog gave a pitiful whimper and Chris realized she probably needed to go out.

As he rolled out of bed, Chris glanced at the clock on his bedside table and cursed under his breath upon seeing that it was only 5:30 in the morning. The dog gave another pitiful whine as he rose to his feet. "Alright, alright, let's go," he muttered.

Walking across the room to the bedroom door, he grabbed his robe and put it on before leaving the room with Daisy trailing behind him. They made their way downstairs and he wasn't surprised to find the rest of the house dark and quiet. After all, when he and Daisy had gone to bed around one, the girls still hadn't gotten back to the house yet.

Opening the backdoor, he followed Daisy outside and waited on the upper patio for her while she went down to the grassy area to do her business. When she was finished, she trotted back up the stairs and tilted her head to look up at him and then looked at the roof that belong to the guest house she and Ellie lived in.

"I don't know if your momma is in there," Chris told the dog. "She might be sleeping with one of your aunties." He led her back into the house and she followed him as he went back upstairs to his room.

Like the night before, she didn't even glance at the dog bed he'd brought upstairs for her as she went to the side of his bed. She then turned her head and looked at him to say 'I'm too short, lift me up'.

Shaking his head, Chris picked the dog up and set her on his bed. He waited for her make herself comfortable on the far side of the bed before he took off his robe and joined her.

When his alarm clock went off at eight thirty, Chris grumbled and turned it off. He wasn't ready to get up, but he knew he had to. Sitting up, he stretched and then looked across the bed at Daisy, seeing that she was still snoring away happily.

Leaving her be, Chris went into the bathroom to take a quick shower and then put on a pair of sweats and a plain t-shirt. He then convinced Daisy to get up with the promise of getting her breakfast and led her out of the room.

This time when he reached the main floor, he was surprised to find it dark and quiet. Ellie was typically up and moving by eight every morning, sometimes earlier, and it was after nine now.

"Where is your mom, Daisy?" Chris asked as he put food in her bowl. "I hope she and her sisters didn't get too crazy last night."

Shaking his head, Chris started a pot of coffee then looked in the fridge for something to eat for breakfast. He contemplated making eggs for the sisters, but since he wasn't sure when they'd actually get up, he decided against it. Instead, he settled on a bowl of cereal, hoping Ellie would let him steal some of whatever she made later.

While he ate, Daisy made her way over and flopped down at his feet. She had just started snoring when they heard a door open and close upstairs. Curious, the dog scrambled to her feet and ran from the room, her nails clicking on the hardwood floors.

A minute later, she returned with an exhausted looking Ellie following her.

Hiding his amusement at her disheveled appearance, Chris got off his stool and poured her a cup of coffee. He placed it in front of her and then grabbed her flavored creamer and the half & 'half out of the fridge.

"Rough night?" he asked as he watched her doctor her coffee with her eyes only partially open.

"Not in the way you're thinking," she replied. "I slept in Riley's room last night because she drank so much." She paused to yawn. "That bitch still flops around in her sleep like she did when she was five." She slowly bent her neck to the right then the left and they heard a series of popping noises. "I am never doing that again. Ever."

Chris chuckled because he knew exactly what she meant. Knowing what she needed, he opened the cabinet where he kept pain reliever and grabbed the bottle out. He then grabbed a cold bottle of water from the fridge and put them down in front of Ellie.

"Thanks," she said, slightly more awake than before. She opened the bottle and poured a couple pills into her hand. She then unscrewed the lid on the bottle of water and took a sip.

"What time did you guys get home?"

"Uh, two ish?" Ellie shrugged. "I was ready to go earlier, but the other three were enjoying their free drinks."

"Other three? Who was the fourth person?" he asked.

"Your brother, of course," Ellie said, shaking her head. "Apparently he and Isabelle text all the time now. He met us at the second bar we went to and then took us to a third bar, his favorite bar in LA, apparently."

Knowing which bar she was talking about, Chris chuckled. "And how'd you like it?"

"I got lots of compliments on my makeup and I got fondled a surprising number of times for being at a gay bar," Ellie stated.

Before Chris had a chance to comment, Isabelle entered the kitchen looking like death. Instead of giving her coffee, Chris opened the fridge and pulled out a sports drink. He set it down in front of her while Ellie slid the bottle of pain reliever in her direction.

"Thanks," Isabelle muttered.

"You two want fried eggs or something?" he asked.

"That sounds good," Ellie said. "I'll make Riley -"

"You'll make Riley, what?" the youngest sister asked as she came in the room.

Chris had to bite back his laughter at the fact that she looked like she hadn't had anything to drink the night before.

"Chris is making fried eggs," Ellie told her. "You want one or two?"

"I'll take two," Riley replied as she took the seat next to Isabelle at the island. "You didn't tell me he could cook, El."

"You didn't ask, Ry," Ellie replied sweetly while shooting a glare at her younger sister while Chris was busy getting the eggs out of the fridge. Ever since her younger sister had arrived the afternoon before, she'd been making offhand comments and/or being extra flirty with Chris for no apparent reason.

"Stop," Isabelle said putting her hands out in the direction of her sisters. "My head hurts too bad for your stupidness." She looked at Riley from the corner of her eye. "You drank more than me last night, how the fuck are you so peachy keen?"

"Because, unlike you, I actually drank all the water that Ellie forced into my hands last night," Riley stated. "I'm also 21 and I've got great genes."

Chris listened to the sisters' banter as he fried eggs for them and himself. They made him think of his siblings and the way they all interacted with each other.

"Have you figured out what we're doing tonight?" he asked after he finished cooking the eggs and they were eating.

"I vote for some place that doesn't require me to wear heels or a dress," Ellie replied. "It takes too much effort."

"But you looked hot last night," Riley replied. "Didn't she, Chris?"

Saved by the fact that he was chewing, Chris simply nodded his head. All three sisters had looked good last night though his eyes had stayed a bit longer on Ellie.

Riley and Isabelle had arrived shortly after lunch, the day before, and they'd dropped their luggage off at the house before the sisters had run out to do mani pedis and shop. When they'd gotten back, he'd been engrossed in a baseball game and had felt bad for Ellie when her sisters had hauled her upstairs to primp.

When all three sisters had been ready to go, they had come down to the basement to have him take a couple photos of them. Ellie had somehow managed to keep her sisters from going overboard with her makeup and her hair had been pulled back in a high ponytail. The simple look worked perfectly with the black dress and hot pink heels she had been wearing. Isabelle on the other hand had gone for a sexy look in a red clingy dress and black high heels. Riley had gone for a look that was between her sisters' in style and had been wearing an 'It's My 21st Birthday' sash.

Swallowing his bite of eggs, Chris found his voice and said, "You three all looked hot last night. I'm glad that Scott met up with you and you didn't have to call me for back up."

"You're still coming out with us tonight, right?" Riley asked.

"Depends on where you go," Chris told her. "We don't want another repeat of what happened last time." Referring to the Paparazzi-shorted night out for Ellie's birthday.

"I didn't think it was too bad." Ellie gave him a smile as she shrugged. "We all had fun in the end."

"Scott said there was a bar you liked to go to," Isabelle said. She still looked a little green to Chris, but she had perked up a bit since her arrival in the kitchen. "Maybe we should go there."

"It's a casual place," Chris said. "If you three dress to the nines, we'd get funny looks." He chuckled when Ellie pumped her fist at not having to dress up. "They have good beers on tap and you can actually reserve a private room that has a pool table, dart boards and even a karaoke machine."

"Do you think it's still available for tonight?" Ellie asked.

"That's the best part, they only do day of reservations," Chris replied. "I'll send the owner a text and find out if it's still available for tonight. It'll help if we tell him we'll eat dinner there, too."

"If they serve greasy hamburgers and french fries I am so down with that," Isabelle stated.

"Me too!" Riley exclaimed. "I can't wait to do karaoke!" She smiled. "Chris, did Ellie tell you that one of her favorite songs is Don't Stop Believing?"

"It hadn't come up, but your sister has great taste in sports so I'm not surprised she has a great taste in music," Chris replied as he caught the dagger look that Ellie was shooting at her younger sister. Not wanting to be in the kitchen for any fireworks between the sisters, he cleared his throat and said, "Anyway, I should probably go, uh, text my friend and see if we can get one of the private rooms for this evening."

Chris quickly made his way out of the room and all but ran up the stairs to the fourth bedroom that he'd set up as his office. He closed the door and crossed the room to sit in his office chair. After growing up with two sisters, he could tell when shit was about to go down and the look Ellie had given her youngest sister was a clear sign.

Pulling out his cell phone, Chris sent a text off to his buddy who owned the bar and got a reply a few minutes later confirming that the room was available and that they could use it.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Ellie pushed back her stool and carried her empty plate around the island to the dishwasher. She was irritated at her youngest sister for her comments to Chris or about Chris, but she didn't want to ruin Riley's birthday weekend so she chose to keep her thoughts to herself.

"If you two hand me your plates, I'll load them," she said to her sisters and they quickly handed over their plates and silverware. "After I finish this I'm going to go take a shower and get dressed for the day. What should we do this afternoon?"

"Let's go shopping," Riley suggested. "Mom and dad gave me some money for my birthday and I need new clothes."

"Alright," Ellie said as she closed the dishwasher. Seeing her phone light up on the counter, she grabbed it and read the text from Chris. "We got the room for tonight. Chris says we need to be there by 7pm." She looked at Isabelle who still looked a little green. "Do you want to stay here and sleep?"

"No, no, I'll go shopping," Isabelle replied quickly. "I just need a hot shower."

"Alright, well let's meet back here in thirty minutes?" Ellie suggested.

"Sounds good to me," Riley replied.

Ellie nodded and left the kitchen via the backdoor with Daisy following her.

Isabelle waited until Ellie's head disappeared from sight before she smacked Riley in the arm. "Chill with the comments about her and Chris," she scolded her younger sister.

"I thought you and Scott were trying to get them together though," Riley replied, confused.

"No, we are trying to make them realize that they like each other, because it is so obvious to us," Isabelle explained. "They're also both very stubborn, which means we have to be delicate in how we manage this situation, otherwise they might resist each other even after they discover they like each other. That's not what we want for them."

"Why don't you just let them figure it out on their own then?" Riley asked.

"Because it's been two weeks since her birthday when he literally froze in the process of putting his jacket on because she came out of the bathroom looking like a goddess and neither of them have done a thing about it," Isabelle stated then rubbed her forehead. "It's too early to have this conversation. Just, be careful what you say around them, please."

Forty minutes later, the sisters reconvened in the kitchen and Ellie sent Chris a text telling him they were leaving. She drove her sisters out to the outlet mall that she and Isabelle had gone to a couple weeks prior and let them drag her around to all the different stores. She even let Isabelle talk her into buying a magenta-pink dress that had a black lace overlay. She had tried to resist, saying she had no place to wear a fancy dress, but Isabelle had used every lawyer trick in the book to convince her that she needed the dress in her closet.

It was after five pm by the time the sisters returned to the house. While her sisters ran upstairs to start getting ready for their night out, Ellie carried purchases downstairs where she found Chris and Scott sitting on the couch watching the Red Sox game. She set the bags down by the sliding glass door so she could grab them when she went out to the guesthouse later.

"You two need fresh beers?" she asked as she opened the fridge and grabbed one for herself.

"We're good," Chris replied.

Ellie took her seat between them on the couch and laughed when the brothers leaned forward simultaneously and pulled the coffee table closer to the couch so she, like them, could rest her feet on it. "You two are the best," she said.

"Did you get anything good while you were shopping?" Scott asked her as the game went to commercial.

"A dress, some shoes and random stuff I probably didn't need," she replied. "The other two got more stuff though."

"Are they upstairs?" Scott asked.

"Yeah, they spent the car ride home trying to decide what they were going to wear tonight," Ellie replied. "They'd probably love your input."

"Everyone does," Scott stated as he stood up. "You want to come up, too?"

"I'm good," Ellie replied. "Chris said casual, so I'm doing my own thing tonight."

"You better not wear a sports t-shirt," Scott told her. "No Harry Potter or Doctor Who either."

"Relax, Isabelle already gave me that lecture," Ellie said, rolling her eyes. "I'm wearing jeans and that black tank top thing that she gave me for my birthday."

"That, I approve of," Scott told her. "Chris -"

"I'm wearing what I have on," Chris told his brother, gesturing to the blue jeans and blue henley t-shirt he was wearing. "And shh, the game is back."

Forty minutes later, Ellie forced herself off the couch and went to the guesthouse to get ready. She put her new stuff away and pulled out the Isabelle and Scott approved outfit. She put it on and then went for the Ellie flare by putting on a pair of hot pink Converse All-Stars. She then went into the bathroom and applied a light layer of makeup and left her naturally curly hair down.

When she returned to the big house some thirty minutes later, Chris was the only one ready to go.

"They took over my bathroom," he told her. "Apparently, there wasn't room for Scott to sit on the counter and for your sisters to put their makeup on in the guest bathroom."

Ellie opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the buzzing of the privacy gate's intercom. She and Chris made their way over to the video unit and she was surprised to see Isabelle's boyfriend Eric's face.

"That's Izzy's boyfriend," she told Chris. She then hit the button to speak to Eric. "Hey Eric! It's Ellie, let me buzz you in." She hit the unlock button and the gate started to open. Walking over to the stairs, she yelled, "Hey Izzy, come down here."

"I'm not ready!" her sister called back.

"There is someone here to see you," Ellie replied.

By that time, Chris had opened the door to let Eric into the house.

"ERIC!" Isabelle shrieked as she spotted her boyfriend. She ran down the rest of the stairs and then jumped into his arms.

"He is even cuter in person." Ellie heard Scott mutter to Riley.

"What are you doing here?" Isabelle asked after she broke the kiss. "I thought you were supposed to be in Austin until Monday."

"I was supposed to," Eric replied. "But they found out the other candidate for the position was lying about something and they offered me the job last night."

"Oh my god!" Isabelle screamed and they kissed again.

In the process of averting her eyes, Ellie caught Chris glancing at his watch and knew they needed to get on the road if they were going to get the private room.

"Izzy, Eric," she said, her voice interrupting the happy couple. "Congrats on the job, Eric. How about, you come with us and we can celebrate with some shots."

"Can I shower first?" Eric asked. "I've been on the plane all day."

"We can go in groups of three," Scott suggested. "Chris, why don't you, Ellie and Riley, since she is ready, go now and we'll follow in like twenty minutes."

"Yes," Isabelle said. "That is a fantastic idea."

A second buzz of the gate's intercom caught their attention.

"That will be our car," Chris told Ellie and Riley. He looked over at his brother and asked, "How will you three get to the bar?"

"We'll take Uber," Scott replied. "You're the one who has to hide."

Chris nodded and opened the front door while Ellie and Riley quickly grabbed their purses. He waited for them to pass, catching a whiff of Ellie's perfume as she did. It was a fruity smell that reminded him of something, but he hadn't caught enough of it to figure out what it was.

The three of them made their way to the gate and, after opening it, Chris greeted their driver. He confirmed the plan with the driver and then climbed into the SUV after Ellie, sliding into the seat next to her. Forgetting all about her younger sister's presence in the car, he leaned in a breathed in her perfume again.

"Did you just sniff me?" Ellie asked, looking at him oddly.

"You smell like pears," he said, dumbly, as the scent registered in his mind.

"And do you like pears, Chris?" Riley's voice piped up from the row behind them.

Praying his face wasn't turning red, Chris cleared his throat and said, "I don't remember this perfume." He had never really thought about Ellie's perfume before, but now that he did think of it, he realized there wasn't a specific scent that he associated with her. She typically smelled like something fruity smell about her, but it was never the same.

"I just bought it today," Ellie replied with a small shrug. "I have a perfume habit."

"More like an obsession," Riley appended. "She has like fifteen bottles, some of which she doesn't even wear."

"Really?" Chris asked. "Why?"

"Why do you have a drawer full of watches in your closet?" Ellie countered.

"Touché," Chris said with a laugh. "You have a perfume habit, I have a watch habit. Case closed."

The drive to the bar took about thirty minutes, but they finally reached the warehouse turned bar. Chris led the sisters into the building and greeted the owner. He made introductions and then the owner led them to one of the private party rooms. After Chris told him that half of their group was running late, the owner promised to escort them when they arrived.

"This place is so cool," Riley stated.

The private room they were in had the same industrial feel of the rest of the bar, but it had a private bathroom, a TV, a pool table, a couple dart boards, several tables and a karaoke machine in one corner. There was also a tablet where they could submit their food and drink orders as well as choose a music station to play on the room's dedicated speakers.

While they waited for the others to arrive, Chris put in an order for tequila shots and an appetizer of loaded nachos. He then selected the classic rock station and soon Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody filled the room.

Scott, Isabelle and Eric arrived just after the food and shots and Ellie formally introduced Eric and Chris before they all took the celebratory shots. They snacked on the nachos while they all looked over the food menu and soon placed their dinner and drink orders.

While they waited, Chris and Scott started a game of pool while the others watched. The brothers were competitive while they played and exchanged a lot of smack talk. Ironically, neither brother was very good at pool, but it didn't seem to matter to either of them.

Ultimately, Scott played a slightly better game than Chris and decided that he wanted to play against Ellie. She tried to get out of it, but relented when he bugged her about it the entire time they were eating dinner.

Armed with a cold bottle of beer, Ellie picked out her pool cue then played rock paper scissors with Scott to determine who got to break. Ellie won and took the first shot. Magically, a solid ball made it into a pocket. She took another shot, but nothing else went into a pocket.

Scott took his turn and cursed under his breath when he did nothing more than scramble the balls on the table and align the perfect shot for Ellie. Her next turn had her sinking two more balls into pockets and Scott knew he had to do something; time for the mind games.

"Ellie, I've got a question for you," Scott said as he applied more chalk to the tip of his cue. "Do your boobs get in the way when you're aligning up your shot? Because they seem like they would affect how you hold the cue."

A smirk crossed Ellie's face, because she knew exactly what he was trying to do. "No, actually, but what about the sleeves of your shirt?" she asked Scott as he was the only one wearing a long sleeved shirt. He had rolled up the sleeves, but they were cuffed just below his elbows. "Don't you feel a little restriction in your movements?"

Unfortunately for Scott, he was lining up to take his shot when she spoke and he suddenly felt like his arm movements were restricted. He shook his head trying to get her words out, but he still ended up knocking the cue ball into a pocket.

"Fuck you, Ellie," he muttered and she just patted his cheek before grabbing the cue ball out of the pocket and putting it in the perfect spot on the table.

Twenty minutes later, Ellie sunk the eight ball into a pocket, winning the game. She put her pool cue away and then made her way over to the table her sisters were sitting at watching.

Before his brother could challenge anyone else to a game of pool, Chris suggested they turn their attention to the karaoke machine. They took turns singing different songs and then the sisters teamed up to perform "Waterfall" by TLC with Ellie rapping Left Eye's section. The boys followed that with some Beastie Boys "Fight For Your Right".

They went back and forth, girls vs boys style, sometimes in groups, pairs or solo.

The boys' last song was Eric performing "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang, but Ellie won it all for the girls by performing a flawless rendition of The Offspring's "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)". She knew all the words by heart, which allowed her to leave the stage and direct some of the lyrics directly at Scott, Chris and Eric, which had all of them, the guys and the girls, laughing hysterically.

It was nearly one in the morning when Chris made the call to the driver to come and get them. He then pulled out his credit card and paid for their entire tab, despite the others offering to pay their share.

"You should sit in the front seat," Chris told his brother when they walked out the backdoor of the bar where the car was waiting. "So we can drop you off at your place."

"I'm staying at the house, remember?" Scott said. "My roommate's parents are staying at our place, I can't go home."

"Where are you going to sleep?" Ellie asked. "All the beds are taken."

"The couch?" Riley suggested.

"I can't, I have a bad back, I have to sleep in a bed," Scott replied.

Ellie rubbed her temples as she tried to figure out the logistics. There was no way in hell she was sharing a bed with Riley again. "Ok, Scott, you take the guestroom that Isabelle is in. Isabelle, you and Eric can sleep in my place, but please, for the love of God, don't have sex." She shuddered. "I'll sleep on the couch."

"You're not sleeping on a couch," Chris told her. "You can take my bed and I -"

"Chris, no, it's fine, I -" Ellie started, but Scott cut her off.

"Let me save us all the headache of listening to you two fight over who is sleeping where," he said. "You both can just share Chris's bed."

"That makes the most sense," Isabelle agreed.

"No, no it doesn't," Ellie said, shaking her head. "Scott can share a bed with Chris. And I'll just sleep in my bed."

"Nope, not happening," Chris stated. "He talks in his sleep. That's a no go."

"Ellie, you'll just be sleeping," Isabelle told her sister. "Besides, it's just one night. Would it really be that terrible?"

Ellie wanted to turn and glare at her sister, but didn't want to risk getting sick to her stomach in the process. She'd always had issues with getting car sick and her tipsiness only made it worse. She remained silent on the remainder of the drive to the house and was the first one out of the car when it pulled up in front of the gate.

Instead of saying anything to the others, she went straight to the guesthouse to take a shower, get ready for bed and collect Daisy from her kennel. Once she was ready for bed, she put on her robe and then made her way into the main part of the house, where she found the others sitting around the kitchen table.

"I put fresh sheets on my bed the other day and I slept upstairs with Riley last night," she told Isabelle and then turned to Scott. "I expect you can put clean sheets on your best yourself?" He nodded. "Alright then, Daisy and I are going to bed." She paused to take a deep breath. "Chris, I guess, I will meet you there."

Standing up, Chris followed her and Daisy upstairs and waited until they were in the privacy of his room to say, "Are you sure you're ok with this? I think there is an air mattress in a box downstairs, I can bring it up after they're all asleep and -"

"I'm sure," she replied. "I trust you not to molest me in my sleep."

"Well good," Chris said with a laugh. "I trust you to keep your hands to yourself as well."

While Chris went into the bathroom to do his nightly stuff, Ellie took off her robe and laid it across the end of the bed. She then picked Daisy up and put her on the bed. She then turned down the blankets and slipped under the cool sheets. She snuggled into the ultra-comfortable bed with her dog stretched out beside her.

Chris's scent enveloped her in the bed and a strange sense of calm came over her. Her body relaxed and she was almost asleep when Chris exited the bathroom. Through heavily lidded eyes, she watched him make his way to the closet and close the door.

A couple minutes later, Chris came out the walk-in closet and made his way to the bed. He pulled back the blankets and pushed Daisy to the center of the bed before he got in. He turned off the lamp on his side of the bed and then stretched out.

He soon heard Ellie's breathing even out and heard Daisy start to snore softly. A smile pulled on his lips as he rolled onto his side and closed his eyes.

Episode 7

Want to find me off tumblr? I’m @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

My tag list is always open, just let me know if you’d like to be added!

[rose-of-pollux]

Quiz thing

Tagged by @belphegor1982​

When did you last sing to yourself?

This morning, and it was Queen’s “I Want it All.”

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

“What are my finches actually saying about me?”

Rest under the cut--

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Getting my master’s degree in biology/my thesis project on finch learning.

What is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Traveling in New York City with @ksturf​, seeing Anastasia on Broadway and catching 100 Unowns.

Do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Not really.  I want to publish a thing, though.

Do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I think so!

When did you last cry in front of another person?

Ummm... I honestly don’t remember.

Pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them

...Does the person have to be living?  My answer depends on that. XD

Would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

No, but it’s been my experience that strangers like opening up to me for some reason. *shrug emoji*

When was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

Back when I was doing my master’s, my procrastination habit had come back to bite me hard, and I had left a first draft of a term paper on crocodilian behavior til the night before it was due.  It was @ksturf​ who got to hear me screeching into the void at 3AM as I got the thing done (time zone differences made it not as bad for her).  That is the last time I ever stayed up that late.

(The kicker to this is that 1. I was one of two people who turned the first draft in on time, and 2. My professor said that it was “Such a wonderful first draft and very clear that I spent so much time and effort on it” that I didn’t need to revise it and would get an A on it.  Lesson learned: it’s easy to bluff your way through a term paper--even at 3AM--if it’s something that genuinely interests you)

What is your opinion on brown eyes?

...I love them.  And I would say that even if I didn’t have them myself--because ^he does.

Pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally

"...I’ve enjoyed a lifetime of adventures around the world...” -- Robert Vaughn.

Honestly, it means so much to me--he lived such a full and fulfilling life, and if I even accomplish a fraction of the things he was able to do, that will be time well-spent.

What would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

The Life and Times of a Scatterbrained Writer

What would you do with one billion dollars?

Keep/save enough to live comfortably (maybe slightly frivolously--gotta have my Nintendo games and fandom merch), make sure my best friend also lives comfortably, some for my family, and give whatever we don’t need to those who do.

Are you a very forgiving person?  Do you like being this way?

Hahahaha... No, but I am very good at hiding it.  Should I be better?  Yeah.  Will I?  *shrugs*  Who knows...

Would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Pastel, I guess?

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings?  Explain

Tattoos aren’t for me, nor are piercings other than ears.  And I have such a low pain tolerance that I probably wouldn’t have gotten my ears pierced if my mother hadn’t had it done when I was a toddler (my mother was a traditionally-raised Hindu who had only emigrated to the States from India a few years prior, and toddlers getting their ears pierced is a tradition going back literally thousands of years; getting a nose piercing as a mark of adulthood is also a tradition going back thousands of years, but my response to that was a firm #NOPE, and that was the end of the conversation).

Do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Nooooooo, I hate it, I hate the way it feels on my face.

Talk about a song/band/musician/lyric that has affected your life in some way

So, Rockapella, Genesis, and Queen are three bands that I’ve known since childhood--in the case of Queen, I didn’t know it was them until I was much older (“We Will Rock You” was my hometown’s unofficial fight song for sporting events, so I’ve heard that song since elementary school--usually coupled with “We are the Champions”), and even then remained a casual fan until I watched Bohemian Rhapsody last year and just went headlong into loving them.  Freddie Mercury was an absolute legend, and finding out that he had ties to India like I did was an absolute thrill.

Rockapella were my first music loves--saw them on the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego game show, rediscovered them years later, and never left them again.  I’ve conversed with two of the Carmen-era members online, and met two others in person.

Genesis has been my musical fixed point, along with Bryan Adams.  I’ve just constantly been listening to them throughout my life.

The Monkees brought me to tumblr and subsequently led to my meeting people here that I’m still in touch with, even if I’ve drifted away from the fandom.

And Zach Adkins holds a special place for me, as well, seeing him as Dmitry in the Anastasia musical with @ksturf.

List the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel

So, I have seen Rockapella in concert 3 times, the Monkees twice, and a solo Nez concert once.

The Nez concert was in 2013, before the more recent... clouds covered the sun, shall we say?  I had a wonderful time at the time, and many good memories, and I feel awful that things have come to this--especially when a good portion of it seems to not be in Nez’s control at all.  It’s a dang shame, but I’ll cherish the memories I have.

The two Monkees concerts were in 2012 and 2014.  The 2012 “Gazpacho tour” was truly a remarkable thing--honestly, I don’t think anyone saw a tour coming after Davy had passed, and suddenly, here it was--and I remember the night before the official announcement, when Nez had teased us and everyone here was going absolutely bonkers over the possibility, before he broke the news before the official announcement.  And then, the concert itself... there was something magical that night, undoubtedly--Micky having us, the audience, sing Davy’s signature song, “Daydream Believer,” saying that it belonged to us now.  It was so sad and wonderful at the same time.  The 2014 tour had a more upbeat and celebratory feel to it, sort of the promise that the daydream was still alive.

The first two Rockapella concerts were before my Carmen Sandiego Renaissance; they just happened to be performing in my hometown twice, so I went to see them because “Oh, these guys!” (though only two of the guys from the Carmen era were actually still with the band).  I had a great time, but it was nothing like the third time, when I went because I had rediscovered how much they’d meant to me (and drove over an hour in a snowstorm to see them.  Abysmally foolish?  Yes.  Do I regret it?  Absolutely not).  The third time was also when I got to meet the two Carmen-era guys (and the new guys) after the concert, which was... more amazing than I can ever describe.

Who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I would have loved to have received a reply to the fan letter I had sent Robert Vaughn just two months before he had passed.  Obviously, I learned after the fact that he probably had been too sick to reply, but a reply I would have wanted would have been... just him knowing that he knew how much I admired him, and how much better he had made the world.

Do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organized/not organized?

Hahahahahaha, no.  I’m the most disorganized person in existence.  Any computer stuff I do on the couch.

What is your night time routine?

Dinner, toss around story ideas, make sure the finches are roosting/turn their light off, eventually sneak into bed as quietly as I can so as not to disturb the finches.

What’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

How unhealthily I eat some days...

If you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

Nooooo, I wouldn’t want to...

Pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

...I don’t do groups well; I’d just pick @ksturf and we’d go back to New York City.  Or maybe Hollywood this time, who knows?  Sightseeing and things--catch some Pokémon, too....

Name three wishes and why you wish for them

I wish:

I had enough money so that I and those I care about could live comfortably (self-explanatory)

That I could understand what birds were saying, and they could understand me (as someone who did a thesis on bird learning and behavior and has been trolled multiple times by multiple birds [including my own], I have personal questions I want answered).

That Robert Vaughn was still here (again... self-explanatory)

What is the best Halloween costume you have ever put together?  If none, make one up

I put together an awesome Carmen Sandiego costume in like... 2011?  Everyone knew exactly who I was.

What’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

...There are a lot of things I would never do for a million dollars.

What’s your Starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Dragonfruit refresher with lemonade.  @ksturf is the one I trust.

What is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Well, I just wrapped up my one-year position as a lab tech, so finding where I go from here is pretty much the biggest thing right now...

[deeahhnuh]

2018!!

I've done this year-in-review thing since 2007! 2007-2012 are over on my old LiveJournal, and 2013-on are right here on my Tumblr. :)

2019 is coming. What?!?!?

Happy almost New Year, Tumblr! :)

What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?

Huh... I don't think I actually did anything too different this year! Well, this review is off to a great start, lol!

Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

As usual, no real official resolutions - I like having little goals as the year goes along!

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes!! My cousin had a precious baby girl!!

Did anyone close to you die?

My grandmother - Ma - passed away in late November. It's difficult to articulate, mostly because I just can't quite comprehend it yet, how much I will miss her. Ma was the biggest, warmest presence in our family. All of my memories have at least some trace of Ma in them!

One memory that I've recalled a lot lately is of the times we played my Barbie board game, sometime in the late '90s. There were so many wonderful times, but those Barbie game nights with just us girls - Ma, my mom (her daughter), and me - were magical. I would set the game up on the dining room table at BaBa (my grandfather) and Ma's house and we would play and talk and laugh! Ma was in her early 70s then, but her peals of laughter and her face lit up with smiles gave me a glimpse into what she must have been like as a teenager.

That was Ma!! ���️ She was always up for having fun, for reminiscing about funny memories, for enjoying life. Ma was there for every big event and for all the quiet moments, too. I feel incredibly fortunate to have had Ma for so long into my life. I love her, and I miss her.

What countries did you visit?

None! I really need to get out more, lol!

What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?

Of course there are things I'd like to have, do, and learn in the next year - but I'm happy to say I didn't really lack anything in 2018! :)

What date(s) from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The end of November and beginning of December were marked by sadness and loss, but also with connection and love - my family really helped (and continue to help) one another through a hard time. I feel closer than ever to my fam. ❤️

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Been a Registration Assistant for two years now, and I love it!! Less real-lifey, and actually very goofy - I hit (and passed) 10,000 scrobbles for the year. I haven't hit that kind of high number for a while, so... Achievement!

What was your biggest failure?

Didn't do anything too stupid this year, haha!

Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, yay!

What was the best thing you bought?

I love fragrances, so my fave purchase this year is, of course, a perfume! Calvin Klein Euphoria Amber Gold just smells soooo gooood. It's rich and sweet, kinda syrupy - really beautiful.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My family. The mama, the dad, the bro - they are so awesome. We're always there for each other - I love them more than words can say!!! ❤️

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one really! I've been pretty even-tempered all year, haha!

Where did most of your money go?

Probably perfume, lol! But music is right up there, too. Maybe movies as well! Basically, entertainment!

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Kylie's new album, Golden!! Actually, a few other music faves had new releases too, and I was hyped about them all - Richard Ashcroft (Natural Rebel), Florence + The Machine (High As Hope), Lykke Li (so sad so sexy), Emika (Falling in Love With Sadness), Sarah Brightman (Hymn), and Arctic Monkeys (Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino). Great music, all year long!

What song will always remind you of 2018?

List time!

"Dancing" by Kylie Minogue. Of course! My queen returned with a lovely album this year (see above!), but this seemingly simple first single had to grow on me. I say "seemingly simple" because at first listen, it is! Guitar, stripped-down beat - where's the glitter? It's in Kylie's voice, in how she declares with gusto: "When I go out, I wanna go out dancin'!" A quietly bombastic grower.

"Breathe" by Jax Jones. Catchy and bouncy!

"One Kiss" by Calvin Harris feat. Dua Lipa. Breezy fun!

"In My Mind" by Dynoro & Gigi D'Agostino. Hypnotic!

Compared to this time last year (2017), are you:

Doing really well, kinda like last year! :)

What do you wish you'd done more of?

Quoting last year's year in review: "wish I'd listened to more new albums, and not just compilations." But I loves my dance music comps so much! :O I really think I'll try to listen to more new music in the new year.

What do you wish you'd done less of?

Not to be too serious business, but doubting myself. I worry I'm not doing enough, or not doing it right, or could have done it better. I guess a little self doubt keeps you on your toes - keeps you challenging yourself - but I'm happy that as I've gotten older and a tad wiser, and gained more confidence in myself, these worries have lessened. So this year, I did doubt myself, but not as much as last year, or the year before. Here's to an even more confident 2019! ;)

How did you spend Christmas?

Fam, ham, and fun! :)

What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2018?

I managed to not embarrass myself all year, haha!

How many one-night stands?

None, lol

What was your favorite TV program?

Forever a fan of goofy cartoons!

Real Housewives! All of 'em are wonderful trash TV. :) (Gif source!)

And for no good reason I watched every season of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! on Hulu. Cracks me right up!!

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?

Put-together and polished, I like to think!

What kept you sane?

Lots of music, movies, and TV. Always up for some entertainment!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nah!

What was the best book you read in 2018?

Ooh, just got a New Year's Resolution for 2019 - read a book, lol.

What was your greatest musical discovery?

I rediscovered some old faves! "Love Today" by Mika has forever been pure joy, "You Can Dance" by Bryan Ferry can't be any smoother, "Spirits" by Jamie Woon stays majestic, "212" by Azealia Banks still slaps, "Reagan's Skeleton" by Yeasayer continues to be massive, and "Watch Out For This (Bumaye)" by Major Lazer is always a banger.

What did you want and get?

Lots of good things - I'm very fortunate!!

What did you want and not get?

Nothing! Like I said, fortunate. ❤️

What was your favorite film of this year?

I didn't see many movies released this year, but I did really like Ant-Man and the Wasp!

And A Quiet Place!

I also saw Midnight in Paris (2011) after years of meaning to - it's such a lovely film!

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

32! Little fun things - used CD shopping (a fave thing to do), movies, good meal...!

What three things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Can't ask for more!!

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I've never watched American Horror Story because it seems pretty spoopy and I'm a wimp, but I was going around the channels and that guy who plays the Antichrist lol - Cody Fern - caught my eye. He fine!

What political issue stirred you the most?

There's something new stirring every day, ugh!

Who did you miss?

Ma. ❤️

What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018?

Family matters - not the TV show, although that's good too! I already knew this, but I really really felt it so much this year. ❤️

What quote can be used to sum up your year?

"When I go out, I wanna go out dancin'!" No matter what's going on, I want to try and have a good time and enjoy things! Here's to a 2019 full of goin' out and dancing! :)

[witwerlove]

#RememberingRebels

Since the Star Wars Rebels season finale is tonight and I’ve been feeling SUPER nostalgic all week, I figured I’d take a trip down memory lane and reminisce on Sam’s involvement in the show.

This is under a cut because it’s REALLY long and overly detailed. I might have gotten carried away. It includes a collection of my own personal thoughts, opinions, experiences, tweets, and anything else related to Sam and Rebels that seemed appropriate that happened over the past FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE. It’s amazing how much happened. I didn’t do this for anyone but myself. It serves as a reminder and a look back at all the wonderful experiences I’ve had because of this show and my love for Sam.

Here come the feels. 

AND I MEAN 

ALL 

THE. 

FEELS.

First off, I LOVE Rebels. Not as much or as deep as I love Clone Wars, but it definitely has a place in my heart. Ever since TCW “ended” (without any real closure) and it was announced that the new animated series was called Star Wars Rebels, I’d been hoping that Sam would be cast in it in some way. I feel like that was just as important as it being Star Wars. By then he’d cemented his place in Star Wars and in Dave’s agenda, so I inevitably knew it was going to happen. But it really surprised me with what happened vs what I wanted to happen. Because I’m sure if I asked 2014 me now if she wanted or expected Maul to be in this show, she’d laugh and be like hell no. Probably how much of the world was in 1999 when Maul died and then George and Dave were like BITCH YOU THOUGHT! HE’S ACTUALLY NOT DEAD! Dave Filoni is such a phenomenal storyteller and I have the upmost respect and admiration for him. He is the only one at Lucasfilm that I trust completely. He’s had 10 years to prove to me that he knows what he’s doing. And he knows what he’s doing. I never have any doubt when it comes to Filoni’s work. And I so happy that Sam and Dave have such a great relationship, professionally and personally. Because they both have such a passion to tell great stories and take care of this franchise. I love them together and I hope Sam will always have a place in Dave’s Star Wars.

Thinking back to the early days, I remember there was speculation before Season 1 aired that Sam might be playing The Inquisitor (which I was absolutely here for). There was a picture that revealed the character and I was like I WANT SAM TO VOICE HIM PLEASE LORD LET SAM BE THE VOICE. I had high hopes for that.....until Sam went and crushed all my hopes when this interview came out on January 30, 2014 and he said he was definitely NOT playing the Inquisitor. Which was fine...once the blow healed. It left the door open for him to play another character. I wasn’t gonna give up so easily. I knew he was gonna be in the show. Filoni would not let me down.

Then months later on October 26, 2014 (a few weeks after the show started airing), there were rumors that Sam was “deeply involved” with the show. It hadn’t been officially confirmed that he was in it. There was just that quote from Making Star Wars. But that was enough to get me super excited. I 100% believed with all my heart that it was true. And it was all I ever wanted.

We didn’t get official confirmation that Sam was in the show voicing Emperor Palpatine until April 18, 2015. It was confirmed at Star Wars Celebration in Anaheim when the trailer for Season 2 dropped and Sam tweeted this:

But you didn’t have to tell me.

So everyone who attended the Rebels panel  at SWCA was able to see the first 2 episodes, titled Siege of Lothal Parts 1 and 2. The rest of us didn’t see those episodes until June 20, 2015.

But like a month before they aired, I was blessed with the opportunity to meet Sam at Tidewater Comic Con (May 16, 2015). And it was truly the best day of my entire life (or one of them because I met him again the next day....a few times actually)

We actually had a conversation about Rebels. Sam asked me if I’d seen the show and I said “Yes! I’m so excited for Season 2!” I told him I’m so happy that he’s going to be in it. He told me what it was like recording the Emperor for that. He said he was by himself, as opposed to being with the cast. And I'm like "that must have been weird because I know you guys usually record as a cast." Sam also did his Dave Filoni impression for me (before it became the overused gimmick it is today). I laughed and told him I loved it.

Sam also mentioned that James Earl Jones was doing the voice of Vader for Rebels. And I'm like "I know! That's huge!" And he's like "Yeah, because usually I'm up against a Vader sound alike. Never the real thing." Sam said he felt so much pressure to get his Emperor to sound just right next to James Earl Jones’ Vader. But he felt better when the audience at Celebration cheered when they heard his Emperor during the screening. I said I couldn't wait to hear it too. Sam also told me that he voiced multiple characters in the episode and that I should keep a listen to hear him.

It totally went over my head the first time I saw the episode that Sam was the voice of Lando’s droid, W1-LE. It had to be the thick Southern-esque accent that threw me for a loop. But after listening to it again, I felt dumb for not realizing. I think my ears are definitely more attuned to his voice now that I can pick up on it no matter how much or how little he speaks. It just comes naturally now. The tech was obvious though.

The best part of it all was obviously hearing Sam as the Emperor. Though we couldn’t see him (and wouldn’t see or hear him until 2 season later), it was still thrilling. Sam has such a distinct Emperor voice. It’s completely different from Ian McDiarmid’s voice, but not so much that it’s distracting or you don’t know who it is. Which I remember Sam talking about before (but I don’t remember where...probably twitch). How his Emperor has to be effective so you know it’s the Emperor. Especially because in that scene, the audience doesn’t see him. We just hear his voice. And Sam nailed it. As always.

The rest of Season 2 didn’t start airing until October 14, 2015. And while I was enjoying the show, I really missed my dude.

There was a mid-season trailer for Season 2 that was released on January 15, 2016 that had a Maul voiceover and shot of Maul in the dark...but I honstly can’t recall reacting to it at all. So I can’t remember if I saw it or not. Which is odd because I’m usually on that stuff. I’m sure if I saw it, I’d have lost my shit. And I can’t find any tweets or posts I made about it so..... I probably didn’t see it and was in the dark about Maul’s return. Or I didn’t care at the time. I don’t remember seeing any news or speculation about it either. I feel really dumb. I don’t know where my head was at.

In my ignorance, Sam didn’t pop up in anything Rebels related until the Rebels Recon for 2x18 when he teased about being the voice of Chopper. That was on March 16, 2016.

The Star Wars twitter account even “confirmed” it by liking my tweet about it. Plus their youtube channel said it too. So.....it must be true????

All I know is I lost my mind seeing Sam again. I don’t remember when I became aware of Maul coming back to Rebels. The segment in RR said he was “Emperor Palpatine”, but this was 2 weeks before Maul made his first appearance. This was also the day after he was announced to be on Once Upon A Time so I was on cloud 9 with all the new Sam content. I blame myself for being too occupied with OUAT over Rebels during this time to document my reaction to Maul on social media.Lucasfilm wasn’t being that discreet about it though. And Sam even called them out on knowing they’d make a promo revealing Maul, but he was gonna disguise his voice anyways.

Lucasfilm released the official info about Maul’s return on March 24, 2016.

These images were published in an article from Entertainment Weekly.

Sam tweeted the article. I think that is what finally brought it to my full attention that Maul was coming back. I’m sure I knew by that point, but it was there. It was actually happening.

I tweeted this to him and he liked it (so did Tracy Cannobbio...who is awesome btw):

And I replied to his tweet about Maul coming back with this gif. And that was the first RT I ever got from him. It was a good day!

And he replied with this....cheeky bastard.

We like had a whole conversation. It was great.

So Maul was officially back. It had been 3 years since we’d last seen him. Clone Wars Season 5 (5x16 The Lawless aired on February 2, 2013). I was psyched! This is what I wanted for years, but never expected this. But I was happy. Sam had made me LOVE Maul in The Clone Wars...against my initial skepticism. And I was so pumped to see what had happened to him in the 20 so years between The Clone Wars and the current timeline. Lucasfilm also released a preview clip on March 24, 2016 and this was a totally different Maul then we’d ever seen before. I couldn’t wait for the episode to air!

On March 29, 2016, Sam was in Vancouver filming OUAT and there were A LOT of pictures from the set. It was a good day. 

I couldn’t resist making a joke about those awful sideburns.

Twilight of the Apprentice aired on March 30, 2016 and it was absolutely amazing. Everything just blew my mind. It was the best Rebels episode up until this point (and is still in my top 5). Here’s my initial reaction to the episode that I posted here on tumblr. I also spazzed out on twitter too. 

Sam did a lot of press after the Season 2 finale aired, but the best thing was definitely his appearance on Collider Jedi Council with Freddie on April 7, 2016. It was the first time was saw the Force Bros together and I just fell in love with their bromance beyond what we’d seen on twitter. I love seeing them together every chance we get because they’re hilarious and adorable. And they obviously have mutual love and respect for each other. I never would’ve pictured this dynamic ever happening if it weren’t for Star Wars Rebels. And even though the show is ending, I have a feeling Force Bros will last well beyond.

Going through some old videos (for what I don’t remember), I came across an old Clone Wars press conference from 2012 and this part caught my attention so I decided to tweet Sam and Ashley about it (tweeted that April 14, 2016). Because they kinda sort called the Ahsoka/Maul thing in Rebels YEARS before it happened.

The next major thing was Star Wars Celebration Europe. Dave, Sam, and Tiya were the only ones who attended SWCE in London to represent Rebels (July 15-17, 2016). That was one of the best weekends ever because there were so many pics and videos. 

this one being the best:

Since the panel was small, Sam got to talk a lot. I remember going through a crisis not knowing if the panel would be livestreamed or not. But it was and it was awesome! Here’s my full thoughts on the panel because I just had to rant! (July 16, 2016)

The panel gave us the poster and the trailer for Season 3. And it was definitely going to be the most EPIC season yet. Everyone was all excited about Thrawn. But I was just hyped for more Maul! There was also a preview clip of a scene with Ezra, Kanan, and Maul that left us on sort of a cliffhanger until the fall. That was torture. At least for those of us who weren’t there at Celebration to see the first couple episodes. Sam did an interview that I pestered the Star Wars twitter account to upload and they finally did and I was so happy. There was also a press conference on July 16, 2016.

Rebels Season 3 started airing September 24, 2016, This preview clip of Maul was uploaded on September 28. Maul’s first appearance was in 3x02 The Holocrons of Fate (originally aired October 1). I dubbed this the start of “Witwer Weekends” because he was in Rebels AND Once Upon A Time. But that was a mistake because he didn’t appear much in either show. But I enjoyed it while is lasted. Tbh I think I was more caught up in Once Upon A Time than Rebels. I wrote WAY too many rants about it during this time and not enough about Rebels. 

Sam’s first interview on The Star Wars Show was on October 12, 2016. I remember seeing the tweet and being so mad I couldn’t watch it til I got home from work.

But seeing this face was worth the wait because he’s so adorable OMFJSHSHS

Too bad this never happened:

But this is still my favorite SWR promo that was ever made. 

And this is one of the best things I’ve ever made and tweeted Sam (November 21, 2016):

This is another lip sync video I did of Hyde and Maul using audio of Sam from a twitch stream. He didn’t see it but I still love it. (December 9, 2016)

After 3x02, Maul didn’t return until 3x10 Visions and Voices, which aired on December 10, 2016. In hindsight, comparing it to Mortis was lame. But fangirling with Tracy over Sam is always fun!

But it was blowing my mind that we were going back to Tatooine because that meant OBI-WAN!!!!! I don’t think I’d ever been more excited for a Rebels episode up until that point.

The mid-season trailer for Season 3, which came out January 4, 2017,  teased the Obi/Maul reunion, but the 3 month wait after that for Twin Suns was brutal. But completely worth it. There was a promo clip released on March 10 (a week before the episode aired) and it featured the infamous KENNNOOOOOOBIIIIIAHSHDGGGDG scream. Which I set as my phone notification sound and still have to this day because I’m lazy.

But the description of the promo basically spelled out the outcome of the episode.

Sam did lots of press before the big episode, including this livestream interview with Sideshow on March 15, 2017. I was at work when he did this so I didn’t watch it live. Which was disappointing at the time, but it is what it is and I LOVED it.

On March 17, 2017, Lucasfilm released the clip of Maul going insane in the desert on Tatooine, which also included the scream. In a way it felt like a spoiler, but it hyped me up.

There was also a Twin Suns and Zero Hour screening at the LDAC that same day. Sam was there. 

And that’s where this audio came from. "I’M FIRED BUT I’M ALREADY DEAD!” STILL CRACKS ME UP! XDDDDD. Shoutout to the Skywalking Through Neverland Facebook Group for posting videos of the panel with Sam, Dave, and Andi Gutierrez.

Twin Suns aired March 18, 2017 and it left me emotionally wrecked. Maul was a character who was part of the Star Wars saga for 18 years til that point. I grew up with this character. I got to follow his journey from the beginning in 1999 until his death. And I’m not gonna lie, but Sam definitely influenced my love for the character. But Maul really grew on me from TCW and SWR. It was such a privilege to go on this long journey and watch his character develop. I wrote more intimately about my feelings on Maul and Twin Suns here.

Sam appeared in the Rebels Recon episode for Twin Suns and it just ripped my heart out when he said this:

Sam is synonymous with Maul now. He is who I think of when I think of that character because he’s played him the longest and brought so much to him. It’s amazing what he did for the character. He put so much passion into playing Maul. I’m immensely proud of him.

There was so much press and interviews that came out after Twin Suns. It was fucking LIT! Including this amazing article from Star Wars.com on March 23, 2017.

Sam was announced for Star Wars Celebration Orlando on March 24, 2017

I got my Rebels Maul pop on March 29, 2017. Totally worth the 30 something dollars I spent on eBay. I really want Sam to sign it for me someday..along with a bunch of other things.

NEVER FORGET THIS PART FROM AN PODCAST INTERVIEW ON REBELS CHAT! THE POWER OF HANDSOME CAN NEVER DIE. EVEN IF DAVE FILONI KILLS YOUR CHARACTER! (April 6, 2017)

Next cam Star Wars Celebration in Orlando, Florida. Sam kicked off SWCE by posting this pic with Ray Park on April 12, 2017. 

AND HOLY SHIT I LOST MY SHIT

Star Wars Celebration Orlando lasted from April 13-16 2017. And it was the absolute best Celebration ever. There was just so much content that my brain was melting. I was fangirling and nerding out so much and so hard. It was crazy. Sam wasn’t on the Rebels panel, but there was so much other stuff that it didn’t really matter. I know he had such a good time there and it made me so happy. He’d been confirmed for BF II, so that was cool. And the Schmoedown (which he lost and it was a bit humiliating...but I forgive him and he redeemed himself later). Also Smuggler’s Revenge.

But most importantly, on April 15, 2017 at the Rebels panel @ SWCO. It gave us this epic trailer , but t was announced that Season 4 would be the last season of Rebels. That was very sad. But what keeps me going is that Dave and everybody will get to tell a complete story. Unlike Clone Wars. That is what makes me most happy.

Still holding a grudge over this:

This interview Sam did post Maul’s death came out on April 24, 2017. It’s my favorite. I just love him so much. He’s just so intellectual and his passion comes through so much in his words.

Sam even liked my tweet to the woman who wrote the article. Did I mention I love him because I LOVE HIM!!!!!

On May 8, 2017, I got this cool Maul pin from an artist on twitter. He’s wearing a shirt that says MAUL LIVES?. It’s currently on my Starkiller bag that Sam signed (which is probably my most prized possession). I fucking love it!!!!

SPEAKING OF THE MAUL LIVES SHIRT, SAM HAS ONE OF HIS OWN! HE WORE IT ON JUNE 13, 2017 DURING A TWITCH STREAM! I asked him if it had an exclamation point or a question mark (like Dave’s Ahsoka Lives shirt) and he said “ it depends on what you want”

On June 15, 2017, The Star Wars Show released an interview with Eugene Byrd. And the conversation landed on Sam. And there was some bts footage of Sam recording Maul. FINALLY WE HAD FOOTAGE OF THE SCREAM!!! 

But the audio was very faint. So....I got the idea to take the audio from Twin Suns and sync it with the clip of Sam screaming.

I tweeted it to Sam and this happened:

And it’s become one of my most popular posts here on tumblr. It currently has over 2,000 notes. Which is like so surprising to me because it seriously makes me cringe now. But this was before we got the actual footage from a BTS featurette on the Season 3 bluray. So....I was ahead of the curve???

I was so excited when it was announced that Sam was going to on James’ Arnold Taylor’s show called Clone Wars Conversations. His episodes were recorded on June 15, 2017.

They were uploaded to JAT’s YT on August 5 (part 1) and August 11 (part 2). This interview was A LOT of fun and still one of my absolute favorites. I love Sam and James together. Two of my favorite people. Bless James for doing this! He’s the real MVP!  The scene they did of Wesley and Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride as Obi-Wan and Maul is still thing ever.

Season 3 of Rebels came out on DVD and bluray on August 29, 2017. I was at Disney World that day. Sam did a Rebels bluray giveaway during one of his streams in September (I don’t remember the exact date)...but I didn’t win. But I was the one who asked him to sign them..so whoever won, you’re welcome! I eventually bought Season 3 and it goes nicely with my CW and other Rebels DVDs. I can’t wait to add Season 4 to my collection!

There’s a featurette on the DVD that focuses on Maul and Kenobi called  Apprentices to Outcasts: Kenobi and Maul. It’s really awesome and has great insight into those characters and their dynamic over the years. Plus it has the Kenobi scream in beautiful HD.

A second trailer for Season 4 was released on September 4, 2017. And it was fucking epic af!!!!!!

It had been up for discussion since August that Sam and the Rebels cast including Freddie, Steve Blum, Mary McGlynn, Vanessa Marshall, and Taylor Gray were planning to start playing a SW tabletop role playing game that they would broadcast on twitch. Freddie tweeted a short fun promo video featuring Sam on November 8, 2017. It was adorable and hilarious and I’m still not over it.

The first game was on December 8, 2017. And it was so much fun.

The second game was on January 12, 2018. And it was even more fun.

When the Season 4 mid-season trailer came out on January 19, 2017, it was confirmed that Sam would not be voicing the Emperor, but the man himself, Ian McDiarmid. I’ll be honest and say I was really disappointed, but my respect for Ian outweighs my disappointment. He’s the man! And Sam happily stepped aside, so it’s all good.

Oh...and this happened.

THE MORTIS REFERENCE. I SCREAMED. MORTIS IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE ARC IN THE CLONE WARS. AND TO SEE IT STILL RELEVANT IN 2018 JUST BLOWS MY MIND. I WAS SO HYPED FOR THAT.

So Sam’s been the voices of a few minor characters here and there, but it was such a surprise to hear him in 4x11 DUME, which aired on February 19, 2018. He was the Imperial tech who talks to Pryce in the first scene. I was like HOLD UP! IS THAT SAM. IT SOUNDS LIKE SAM!

So I checked the credits and it was him. He was also the trooper who finds the com and then gets blown up. I’ve seen the episode like 4 times and I don’t think there is a “biker scout #2″ in that episode. Pretty sure that’s a mistake.

The episodes that had the Mortis Gods (4x12 and 4x13) aired on February 26, 2018. It was epic and beautiful, but I think I hyped myself up too much. The archived sound of Sam’s voice as the Son was great, but I wanted more. But it makes my heart happy that Mortis still has a place in this story so many years later.

______________________________

And that brings us to where we are today; the series finale of Star Wars Rebels. It feels like the end of an era. One that will actually have some closure. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years. I know I tend to focus mostly on Sam when it comes to this show, but honestly, I love everything else about it just as much. I went on this journey with these characters for 4 years. Not all of them made it to the end, but they’ll be in my heart forever. Rebels is such an important part of the new age of Star Wars. It was the first taste of content we got from Disney. It held us over until Episode VII. My wounds from losing The Clone Wars healed because of this show. I knew it wouldn’t replace TCW and I wasn’t expecting it to. From day one, Rebels was its own thing, telling its own stories. Acting as a bridge between two trilogies, the same way Clone Wars was the bridge between two films. It was quality and surpassed my expectations. I’m grateful that I’m here to see the end of this amazing show and got to be a part of this journey. I had some wonderful experiences in relation to Rebels. Ones I’ll never forget.

I want to thank Dave and his incredible team of talented people who created and contributed to this series. We deserve this closure after being screwed over with Clone Wars. And I’m really glad Sam got to be a part of it. I’m really proud of his contributions.

I’m really excited for what the future holds for Star Wars and Sam. And how my two favorite things will collide again. I’m sure they’re all hard at work on the next installment in the franchise and I can’t wait to see what it is. I’m grateful that I get to be a part of this fandom and contribute to this fandom. Star Wars is very important to me. It’s my favorite thing in the world. It’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I grew up with the films as a child, The Clone Wars was a part of my high school and college years, and Rebels was a part of my adulthood and discovering what I want from life. Star Wars, especially the animated series, have been my escapism. 

Reflecting back on all these wonderful memories filled me with great joy. Yes, I’m sad the show is ending. But I’m honestly happy. Not happy that it’s over. But happy that this story was told. And that this story gets an ending. I trust Dave will do it right. I have complete faith in him and his people. They’ll do it justice. Rebels will always have a place in my heart. I love it. And I will continue to love and appreciate it long after it ends. Thank you to everyone involved and everyone that made this series one of a kind and truly special.

[footballwritersprofile-blog]

Football Fic Writer Profile - Utami (thebluesideofmyworld)

Hello lovely people! We hope that you all are having a great week so far. We meet again in another article, featuring one of the fic writers from the football fandom.

Have we told you before that we felt like there are so many fic writers who were born on February? Here’s another one who was also born on February. On February 14, to be exact.

People, please welcome Utami. And yes, people. It’s her birthday today!

Happy birthday, Utami!

You can find her on her Tumblr ( @thebluesideofmyworld )  where she posts her M/F fics, or you can also go to her AO3 account where she posts her slash fics.

Now let’s refresh our memories about her writing by reading an excerpt from one of her fics

She curled up on her couch, staring at the TV without really looking at it. It was one of her favorite TV shows, yet she could not seem to get excited about it anymore.

Her phone went off. Mats name flashed on the screen. She stared at it for a while, the ringtone sounded so loud, too loud in the living room.

After a while the phone went silent again.

She stared at her phone, thinking that maybe Mats would just be like the other people. Those people who would leave her anyway at the end.

(People always left her anyway. No one wanted to stay with her anyway.)

(Can You Hold Me)

Utami is originally from Indonesia, but she has been in the US since 2013 to do a postgrad degree in Environmental Engineering. She is currently having a massive crush on Asa Taccone, the vocalist from Electric Guest, and spends her times listening to songs from Troye Sivan and Fall Out Boy while waiting for Voltron S05 to be released. She is a supporter of Manchester City and Real Madrid. Those of you who might have checked her blog out would not be surprised to find that her favorite player is David Silva.

She started writing by writing her thoughts in a diary since she was 8 years old, because she said that it had always been easier for her to express what she felt by writing it. In late 2009, she found a fansite for a talent show in her country where she found some fanfics posted there. Out of curiosity, she tried to post the first chapter of a fic there. She ended up writing more and more for that fandom. She said that even though the fandom faded out slowly after the talent show ended, she would still remember it as her first experience in writing fics.

Writing is something that she enjoys because she said that it’s really a good way for her to express herself. She has always had a wild imagination since she was a kid, probably because she loved reading so much. She often has imaginary scenes and conversations in her head, and writing them out is something she find to be soothing. “Lately, I also try to remember what my therapist once told me, that I should see writing as a self-care method and coping mechanism for me, as I feel through writing, I can be a better version of myself.”

Even though she has been watching football ever since she was a kid, the first time she encountered football fics was in 2012. She read the fics and started wondering whether she could also do one. In December 2012, she decided to give it a try, and her first football fic was about David Silva with an OFC. “I cringed whenever I read it,” she said. “I changed the POV every 2 paragraphs, the dialogue was unnatural, and the description was so so bland.” However, she said that it was her fic that was written in English so she felt like it’s something that she should be proud of.

Besides one-shot, she also used to do requests where she would write 100-word drabble based on a song requested by someone. “I love the challenge of trying to understand the meaning behind the songs, then put it into a limited number of words,” she said. Since 2015, she also started writing slash fics. She personally found that it had a different kind of challenge. “In slash fics, the pairing usually already had some sort of chemistry that’s shown through their interactions in real life. So the real challenge is how to put those chemistry into words.” Besides the football fandom, since last year, she has also written for the riordanverse fandom. For this fandom then, she said that there is another kind of challenge, which was how put the characters into her story and head-canon without making them OOC.

Her inspirations mainly come from songs, and music videos. Whenever she found a song that she liked, she would look up the meaning of that song and try to analyze each line of the song. “I love MVs that have some sort of story line,” she said. “Some of my fics for the riordanverse fandom were inspired by MVs, like Wildfire from Seafret, and First Time He Kissed a Boy by Kadie Elder.”

Once she gets an idea for a fic, she will jot down some things that she thought would be essential in the fic in her journal. Music is a big must whenever she writes a fic, along with a cup of coffee. One of her strategies in writing is by making herself write at least 500 words every day. She finds it to be quite effective, especially when she is working on a multi-chaptered fic.

While she really enjoys writing fluff, she said that she can’t write some angst. According to her, real life is already hard enough, so she doesn’t want to put more sadness into something that supposed to be an escape. She particularly loves AU fics. “It takes quite a lot of imagination to put the characters into a whole different set of universe, yet you still have to write them as who they really are canonically. I enjoy both reading it and writing it.” When it comes to the kind of AU that she likes, she said that she is a sucker for Soulmate!AU fic and Coffee Shop AU (Well, considering that she drinks at least 4 cups of coffee a day, we was not really surprised about this).  She also mentioned that one of her favorite tropes is Fake Dating. She told us that one of her fics that she’s most proud of is The Thin Line. “It’s about  David/Joe which is one of my favorite pairings, it’s an AU fic, and it’s a fake dating one. And somehow I managed to squeeze in Fernando Torres to give a shovel talk in the fic.” Here’s an excerpt of that fic:

David looked up at Joe and his eyes were wide and warm. But the look in those caramel eyes were a mix of longing and sincerity and something vulnerable. Joe absently thought whether it was the same kind of look that David found in his eyes. Joe cupped David’s cheek with one hand, gently ran the pad of his thumb over David’s jaw. They were still swaying along with the music but their feet moved slower and slower, like the way the final notes of a symphony faded away before it ended. He slowly leaned forward and everything was starting to blur into slow motion. Joe could see each and every single one of David’s lashes. A little part of his mind realized that at some point they had stopped moving but at the moment Joe also felt like they were inside an invisible bubble, mist and cloud around them. Joe stopped moving right when the tip of his nose touched David’s. David’s breathing was warmly ghosting, almost like teasing, against his skin.

David’s eyes fluttered closed and his hands slid up Joe’s neck, threading his fingers between Joe’s curls. Joe closed his eyes but behind his eyelids he saw the cherry red of David’s cheeks, the rosy red of David’s lips.

In her writing, some of the lines can come in such a lyrical, almost poetical way, even when she was only using simple words. For example, let’s have a look at an excerpt from one of her fics here:

They were close enough that their shoulders sometimes brush each other. But the silence between them stretched like an unbearable distance.

They were so close, Marco could reach out for her hand to hold it.

He didn’t.

(He knew he wouldn’t be able to let it go had he done it)

She never asked him to stay anyway. So Marco left.

(That night Marco dreamt about winning the Champions League with Real Madrid. He won the cup and brought the cup home with him. The home was big and beautiful but it was empty. Marco hated the dream)

(Dream)

Utami said that one of her biggest insecurities in writing is her English. She said that she always finds her grammar is all over the place, especially when it comes to tenses. She also admitted that she felt her vocabulary is really limited, and she often scared whether she’s using the right word with the right context. “But I guess, one of the ways that I can do to improve is by reading even more and just keep on writing,” she said.

At the moment, she is working on two fics for the riordanverse fandom, in which one of them is a Musician!AU. She also mentioned that she has started a Creative Writing challenge last year, and she is considering to continue the challenge this year for the football fics.

We asked her for one tips she would like to share with us, and this is what she gave us.

The best way to improve in writing is just by doing it. It would be much better if you like, really write something, anything, other than just keep on saying that you want to write. Start small. Having 100 words scribbled on a piece of paper is still much better than nothing.

Well people, it has been a great pleasure to know more about Utami. And we hope that you also enjoy it as much as we do!

And as always. Let’s close this with another excerpt from one of her works, that she claimed to be one of the fics that was really dear to her

“So,” James said as they both standing on the pavement. “Well… It was… Nice…” he said, turning his head to look at David.

“Uh. Yeah,” David said, nervously smiled back at James.

His heartbeat started racing like crazy.

Thump thump thump.

He couldn’t do this. He shouldn’t do this. It was barely two weeks ago he had his heart broken. He was not ready for this.

(What was this, anyway?)

( The Color of the Sky)

[aflairformisadventures]

Wrapping Up Odd Ends And All That Stuff

What a year it has been.

I don't really know where to begin, and I don't even know why I'm actually writing an end-of-the-year rant when I know that virtually no one gives a damn about me in this website except for my actual band content, but hey, since it's an ungodly hour of the night and I'm sleep-deprived and running out of stuff to do, why the hell not.

I have had this account for five years now, since 2013, and I never actually got the hang of it. I only came back from it because one random day in my life I felt like being complete Pierce The Veil trash and expressing my overwhelming bandom sentiments in the only place where I knew it might be remotely understood. I didn't expect to be active in terms of posting until I found myself at five in the morning on a fucking school day editing bad PTV memes and wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. Honestly, I can barely fathom why you guys enable my awful content and actually patronise my stuff, but I appreciate everyone all the more for it. It's actually heartwarming to know that there are actual living, walking, breathing human beings out there that get what I post and relate to the shit I spew and actually like them. And here's a little PSA, please feel free to chat me up if you feel like it, because I'm apparently intimidating and I never know how to start conversations, but once we've started I can be a pretty chill guy to talk to. Only if you want to of course. I'm not desperate or anything.

(Sure you aren't Allen.)

I only started becoming active on Tumblr really late this year and yet I already gained an insane amount of followers. An insane fucking amount. Seriously, it's unbelievable like wtf you guys are loco I don't freaking deserve this at all. I also met all these awesome people that are in the same wavelength as me, found fantastic active blogs that really satisfy my bandom trashness, found a whole lot of new earworm-inducing bands to obsess over, and gained a couple of great friends that are really nice to me despite my awkwardness and initial lack of social response. And in all sincerity, I recently realised that wasting my nights making dumb gifs and crappy lyric edits and random 3 AM band posts and out-of-place rants (such as this one tbh), as well as reblogging them, has helped me find a place to express myself creatively and vent out when needed, cope with the shittier parts of my life, and stopped me from doing harmful things to myself again. This is getting a little too real, so I'll maybe cut this short right here and spare you my mental breakdown.

I know I'm gonna regret posting this because I revealed too much of my weakness and must never speak of it again, and I most likely won't be doing this sort of post the next time around, so I'm gonna abuse it for all it's worth. And here goes. To the people that follow me and I follow, to the awesome people that I've met and continue to talk to, to the cool people that I badly want to be my friend but I can't because I'm too awkward to strike up a conversation with them, to the fantastic people that are constantly a part of my notifications, to the people who make brilliant band content that make me laugh and feel alike, to the random people merely passing by, to my personal friends who are seeing this and are disgusted with me rn lmao, to the people who misclicked something and accidentally ended up here, to the people who are actually follower bots, to the probably nonexistent people that actually bothered reading all of this bullshit and putting up with me, thank you so much. Believe me when I say that I have much love for ya'll.

(Aaaand I ended this post with ya'll. My 2018 is forever cursed.)

Happy new year everyone, sorry for being such an overly-sappy fuck, and here's to another great bandom trash-filled year with everyone. And to properly end this...whatever this even is, a couple of lyrics of the song Gold Medal Ribbon from my favourite band (what else?) Pierce The Veil to wrap it all up:

I swear that I can hear you in the wind You're singing to me and you're Dancing in the halls outside again I'm always listening, I swear, I swear, I swear...

[calzonekestis]

I want to preface by saying I’m ok, no one needs to worry about me. I’m not going to do anything to harm myself.

Full disclosure before I get to this though, I’ve attempted self harmed before. I’ve attempted suicide twice before. Once with pills, once by trying to suffocate myself. With the former my sister walked in on me and I was able to throw them up before there was any effect. With the other, my dad actually broke down my bedroom door to stop me.

I’ve got depression. I suffer from anxiety. I take medication for both. I’m not ashamed to say I have a psychologist that I see like once every three months. A therapist I see monthly.

I don’t want anyone to worry about me, again, I’m not going to do anything. Sometimes I still contemplate it, but I know it’s not the answer. I also know that I DO have help. At this point in my life, I also think I’m too big of a wimp to go through with anything? I’d feel too selfish and guilty, to boot.

I’ve been having thoughts though, lately... and have planned out to the detail how I would do it if I was going to? I won’t get into the details, because I don’t want to trigger anyone more than i already may have.

 Over the summer though, there was a two week period where my parents were away on a trip. My sister went to work each day. I don’t have a job right now, I need to get one... but at that time I couldn’t help but think about how easy it would be? 

I have talked about this to both my psychologist and therapist. I reiterate, don’t worry. I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal again, because I don’t want to kill myself. I promise. 

I’ve just had it on the brain, and it’s kind of disturbing me? And when I try to bring it up to my family, they just keep saying it upsets them and that I should bring it up at my next appointmentment/session.

I do. 

And lately, I’ve just been worried about myself? Which I guess I should good? I’ve tried to make some progress in my life, get my act together. Actively search for a job, put serious thought into going back to school. 

That week I tried (and failed) to take a break from tumblr... it sort of fell apart  because my actual life is pathetic and I come online to distract myself from that.

In the post I made about it, I said I broke up with my girlfriend. That’s true. We’re still friends, there’s nothing negative or angst you there at all. We just realized we were more friends than we were an actual couple.

I’ve got friends, I know that. People who like me, or tolerate me. Best friends I talk to every day, tumblr and twitter mutuals. You’re all great people, I know you wouldn’t follow me if you didn’t want to.

In my real life, though? Away from the phone and computer? I don’t hang out with anyone, I haven’t had any ‘'real life’ friends in like 10 years. And I know that’s bullshit, because internet friendships are real. I’ve met some of the best people I know online.

Offline, though? I just feel as though  as if I don’t matter. That I’m worthlessness, that it wouldn’t matter if I died. Seriously, beyond immediate family, I don’t know who would come to my funeral. Who would actually miss me.

And as for all you folk online? You wouldn’t know, and it wouldn’t really make any sort of grand difference in your lives. Maybe you’d miss my presence, maybe you’d wonder why I stopped posting... but your lives would go on.

Sometimes I don’t want to be around anymore. I don’t intend to kill myself, I know that I don’t really want to, but I think about it. How it wouldn’t be a big loss.

Like I said, I’m not working. I’m not in school. I also don’t think I’m all that great a person? I know I’m much better than person I used to be, but I’m still jaded. Angry. Bitter. Easily annoyed, upset, and paranoid.

When I try to confront those flaws, if you want to call them that... I wind up hating myself even more.

Sure, I care about people, but I mean...big fucking whoop? I don’t deserve a gold star for that. I care about social issue so nene people that are hurting, but I hold a special disdain for humanity overall.

Lately, rather recently, I’ve tried to better myself. In my personal life, and online. I’ve tried to reach out and mend fences or catch up  with old friends. Try to befriend longtime mutuals and let them know I respect them...

...and I come on too strong. I know it. It’s overwhelming, and they’re just too polite to tell me. If I were in their shoes? I’d annoy myself. As it is, I often annoy myself. My mood fluctuates between intentionally dopey or unironically emo. 

When it comes to my personal life? Like I said, just recently broke up with someone.

There’s someone I kinda like, but I’m fairly certain they don’t like me like that. Which is cool, it’s fine. 

I mean, I JUST got out of a relationship. It’s much too soon to read into any feelings or crushes. It’d be insulting to do so, seeing as I still have some lingering feelings for my ex. 

It would be disrespectful both to her and any new partner.

Plus, what with all I’ve been saying? Clearly I’m not in a place where I’m stable enough for anything right now. 

There’s this restless part of my brain though, that overthinks and over analyzes everything. Say I’m in a position again where I like someone who likes me back, or is willing to take a chance on me?

Even if I think I’m ready, will I be? Or is the reason my last relationship never felt like much more than a close and intimate friendship because I simply don’t know how to BE in a relationship? What if I’m just a shit boyfriend, and the person I care about deserves better?

I know what you’re saying. Tim, all relationships should be rooted in friendship anyway. Tim, stop that manpainy ‘deserve’ bullshit, if by some miracle someone  likes you it’s their choice.

So yeah, I lecture myself in that front. On the friend front. Existing/new/old friendships. I like being alone, but hate being lonely. I hate talking, and talk too much when I do. 

Am I hard on myself? Who knows. I just feel like I overthink and overcomplicate everything. Either that, or I say ‘fuck it’ and act impulsively.

I know that for quite a few people... suicide is impulsive. I guess I’m lucky in the sense I overthink things, then. In that sense.  

Most don’t plan it out, they just do it before they can back out. They don’t think about what will happen when they’re gone, how people will react. Maybe they feel worthlessness too, like no one will miss them. Maybe they just don’t care, rationalize that they won’t be around to feel regret or guilt. That they just won’t feel their pain, numbness, etc.

When people do think about it, how often do they talk about their thoughts? 

When you say you’ve contemplated suicide/have suicidal thoughts, people tend to think you’re on the edge. That you intend to go through with it.

I know personally, that’s not the case. Sometimes you just feel low, like you’d rather not exist. You wonder how certain people would react, if they’d miss you. 

Maybe you feel like me, that you’ve got very little going for you and that your life  isn't worth much.

I get it. I’m against suicide, it’s never the answer, but I understand. I’m not going to judge you. How can I, when I’ve been there? When I still have those thoughts sometimes?

A lot of this was just for my own benefit. Rambly stream of word vomit or not, it helps to write it down. I initially was against sharing it, because I don’t want anyone thinking this is some sort of cry for attention. It’s not. One last time, and I’ll put it in caps.

I’M OKAY. I’M NOT A DANGER TO MYSELF. I DO NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS, AND I SEE PROFESSIONALS TO HELP ME DEAL WITH THEM.

I know not everyone does, though. Not everyone’s me, and I’m sure they’re relieved in knowing that.

If anyone who reads this ever needs to talk, vent, or rant? Shoot me a message. You don’t have to be ashamed. If it helps, you can send me anons or something. I won’t even respond or publish them if you don’t want me to.

Just know that there’s someone out there who is willing to talk, or listen, or both. 

One of my favorite actors is Wentworth Miller. You may know him as Captain Cold on the CW DC shows, or as Michael Scofield from Prison Break. He gave a speech at Human Rights Campaign 2013 that sticks with me to this day.

Someone asked him if his suicide attempts were cries for help. He said that no, they weren’t. You only cry out for help if you think there’s help to be given.

Look, I’m one guy on the Internet. Even if I were to talk or listen, I know that I’m neither capable nor qualified to give the help you’d need. That you’d deserve.

To know that you’re not alone though, that there is someone who hears you? It does make a difference. It has for me, at least. I keep a lot internalized, I rarely talk about my personal struggles on here.

It can be shameful, and embarrassing, even if you know it shouldn’t be. It is personal, so there’s nothing wrong with keeping it private if you prefer to. 

Just know that you don’t HAVE to.

[doctorwhonews]

The Marian Conspiracy (Big Finish)

Latest Review: Written By: Jacqueline RaynerDirected By: Gary Russell Cast Colin Baker (The Doctor); Maggie Stables (Evelyn Smythe); Sean Jackson (George Crow); Gary Russell (John Wilson); Jez Fielder (William Leaf); Jo Castleton (Lady Sarah); Anah Ruddin (The Queen); Nicholas Pegg (Reverend Thomas); Barnaby Edwards (Francois De Noailles); Alistair Lock (Royal Guard) Originally Released: March 2000 A recurring issue for brave new explorers launching assaults on the vast continent that is Big Finish’s contribution to Doctor Who is that there’s just so MUCH of it. Certainly, as a relative newcomer to their work, who only started dipping into the ranges in 2013, I’m still balancing more current ranges with sifting through the early golden age of the first 50 releases. So maybe it’s worthwhile to look back at some of those formative stories and see which ones are seeking out, and also to see how almost twenty years of the development of Doctor Who (lest we forget, BACK ON TV) casts them in a different light than back in the day. The Marian Conspiracy itself is a great jumping on point. More than that, it’s practically a soft reboot of the Sixth Doctor. While the Lost Stories range did wonders in improving his problematic TV persona simply by expressing his arrogant, egotistical, hotheaded tendencies through markedly better writing than back in 1985, here it’s like the entire characterization has been scrapped and Colin Baker’s Doctor rebuilt from scratch. The oft mention “Oul’ Sixey” is born here and, even if this story was lacking, it would be worth checking out as a vital bit of Big Finish history. As it is, the story is anything but lacking. It’s an all time classic. A rare “pure" historical, it features no aliens or mad scientists whatsoever, but simply concerns itself with the skulduggery and betrayals of Queen Mary’s court in 16th century England. And while contemporary Big Finish historicals like The Church and the Crown simply used history and its dramatis personae as a backdrop to rollicking adventure, this is more akin to early Hartnells – with an apparent mandate to educate the audience on the basics of the period (with added assassination attempts, naturally). This does raise the same question as most of the latter day revivals of the subgenre – how is that the Doctor seems to know he’s in a pure historical? It never even occurs to the Doctor that aliens could be behind events even though, across the whole of his lives, it should be his default assumption. I mean it’s always aliens in his experience. Except, as here, when it isn’t. The lack of an outside influence does make the entire thing a paradox, of course. The Doctor’s pulled into events when he detects a history professor from the (very) early 21st century, Dr. Evelyn Smythe, is being erased from history from some anomaly in the 16th. But it turns out that she actually shouldn’t exist in the first place and only comes about because the Doctor incidentally saves her ancestor while trying to find the anomaly that only exists because he creates it by saving the ancestor while… you get the idea. From a modern perspective, it feels like this sort of thing would be made a central feature of the story but here it’s sort of tucked in like a slightly untidy bedsheet, in the hopes that nobody notices. But that’s a quibble, and one beside the point of the story writer Jacqueline Rayner is telling. As an introduction to new companion Evelyn, it ticks all the boxes such debuts need to have. She’s got an immediately strong sense of whom she is as a character – strong willed, and borderline argumentative, but in the charming way that sees people sigh deeply as they give in to the inevitable and let her have her way; yet also deeply maternal and caring and acutely intelligent and insightful.  She’s quickly established as a woman you want to spend more time with as a listener. It’s all the more remarkable considering she’s so atypical a companion for the Doctor to invite about the TARDIS. A middle aged academic, she’s less about screaming and swooning over the nearest Thal, and more about an excitement to learn more about the world while maintaining a certain minimum standard of comfort. She’s a cocoa swilling, cardigan cocooned, handbag swinging breath of fresh air. And, sure, the Sixth Doctor seems a completely different man before they’re even introduced properly (her chiding of his interruption of her lecture would have seen TV Six stoked into a petulant rage, surely, followed by a prolonged sulk) but it does feel like Evelyn smooths the transition by credibly bringing out the best in him. He quickly seems to see her as an equal in all but her inexperience of the dangers of time travel, and the easy relationship between them is just nicer to see than his habitual bickering with Peri or Mel. The exploration of Marian England is well sketched too. Having Evelyn blunder into a bar, believing Elizabeth is already on the throne is a very deft way of illustrating the real depth of passion tearing at the country’s fabric at every level of society. The eponymous conspiracy, joining together Protestant insurgents and agents of Catholic Spain in an unlikely alliance to put a more friendly face on the throne, is likewise a clever illustration of the issues involved. The debates between the Doctor and Queen Mary about the rights and wrongs of religious persecution shouldn’t work, as an epic case of telling, not showing, but the performances and script are so strong they absolutely work. It does push the Doctor into a strangely uncharacteristic tolerance of intolerance though. Really, Mary’s strident belief that all Protestants are marked by God Himself for damnation and that burning them alive and torturing them into converting is actually for their own good, isn’t that far from the stuff a Davros or a Cyberleader would come out with. But the Doctor never musters more than a bittersweet disappointment that he can’t reach her. Of course, it’s not all talking and there’s a good deal of attempted assassination, framing people as deadly assassins, people threatening to blink out of existence as all of space and time warps around them, and the possibility of an ocassional stabbing. It all feels slightly tacked on but never less than fun and it all moves along at high enough a pace that it never outstays its welcome. The Marian Conspiracy is an apparently effortless mixture of a very old fashioned view of what Doctor Who can, or should, be with a fresh and innovative companion and a complete rebirth for a classic Doctor. Even for those who think they don’t like pure historicals, this is well worth a listen or even, if it’s been a long time since you’ve heard it, a re-listen. http://reviews.doctorwhonews.net/2017/11/the_marian_conspiracy_big_finish.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[sg2tiger]

If you were stranded on a deserted island, would you rather read Seacats or Danganronpa?

Seacats, for sure. Without hesitation.

There have only ever been two fandoms in my life that have completely absorbed me to the point of obsession - the first was Dragonball, which got me into Japanese media in the first place, and was literally my everything all throughout middle and high school. Around my senior year I said, hey, why not branch out and leave ol’ DB behind and try to get into new series’? In the time since then I’ve had many that I really enjoy, from things I’d consider personal ‘classics’ to flavor-of-the-month things I move on from within months or a year at most…but aside from Dragonball, the only thing I can ever recall being over-the-top obsessed with is Umineko.

(YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS but I’m feeling nostalgia-y now so rambling time)

I got into Umineko via finding the EP1 manga by hitting the ‘random’ button on one of the old manga reading sites, and said ‘oh hey that’s the guy who wrote Higurashi’…at the time there weren’t a lot of chapters translated, and I think it left off around the time Natsuhi gets her gun by the time the anime started airing. Once I found out there’d be an anime I grabbed the free EP1 demo and read through that in a weekend, then immediately went and bought a copy of EP4, which I think had JUST been translated, so I had pretty good timing there. I was actually reading the VN at the same time the anime was airing (though I was always ahead in the VN…think I managed to finish EP4 JUST before the EP3 portion of the anime started), so I was at Ground Zero for Seacats discussion both on /a/ and AnimeSuki. Discussing Umineko was what I spent practically all of my time doing, and I can distinctly remember going to the library between classes and getting caught up on everything. 

I watched the anime, caught up on the manga and started doing my own crappy ‘translations’ of the raws of the EP2 manga (at the time the scanlations had just barely started and were super slow) because I wanted to get a friend into the series but she was turned off by the VN’s art style (once we ran out of manga she did go VN because by then she had to know what would happen next!!), I made really crappy videos for Umineko Hell which still get faves on YouTube for some reason, ended up collecting All The Umineko Music (literally) and listening to it all the time…I spent untold numbers of hours taking notes and making my own theories and even had at least one significant AU ‘Episode’ thought up by me and the aforementioned friend. 

Umineko was pretty much my life for those two years between EP4′s English release and when EP8 came out in Japan. At that point, like many other fans at the time, I was a bit…er, disillusioned, I guess, by the way it had apparently ended. The fandom just exploded into this huge angry ball of rage with people rejecting the ending entirely, hating Ryukishi for stringing us along and not giving us answers, and his smug attitude in Answer to the Golden Witch was just the icing on the cake. That was the last straw for me, and I basically threw up my hands and said ‘fuck Umineko’. I took a break from /a/ and /jp/ because I didn’t want to see the threads anymore. I stopped paying attention to Witch-Hunt’s progress because I could have cared less about EP8…I don’t even know how long it took to translate. I basically just removed myself from Umineko entirely after that, feeling extremely bitter about how much of my time I’d devoted to the series for those two years only to ultimately have no rewarding payoff to show for it. 

I was Very Upset, and that lingering resentment tends to show up in my posts from time to time even now. I often wonder how the newer fans perceive my posts sometimes, because I’m clearly dedicated to rereading Umineko and still make a lot of theory and discussion posts and am (hopefully) obviously having fun with it, but then I go off on tangents about how much I hate Ryukishi and complain a lot and I wonder if people are like ‘does this person actually like Umineko at all?’ when they read my stuff. But basically after like two years of cooling my head off a bit I started to miss the ol’ seagulls…I think my breaking point was the fact that I had just finished the Higurashi VN for the first time (was anime/manga only before that) and I wanted more but of course there was no more…according to the oldest post in my SG2 Rereads Umineko tag it was September 2013 that I finally cracked and decided to reread Umineko. At least, I told myself, the old EPs, before it got crappy. Because I did have a lot of good times and I thought it would be a shame if I couldn’t enjoy those anymore just because it had a shitty ending.

So I ended up rereading some of EP1, though I don���t think I finished it. Going back into something I had such negative feelings about was harder than I thought it would be…and I think I didn’t actually finish EP1 until a year later. Then I tried EP2 and the same thing happened - I got through a little, then quit, then went back a few months (not a whole year though) later, read a bit more, rinse, repeat. It wasn’t until LAST YEAR (by which I mean October 2015) that I FINALLY went through and finished the EP2 reread I had been dragging out for so long…and then actually pushed onward to EP3. I think I wasn’t even gonna do EP4 at the time, but people seemed to like my posts and I was getting replies and starting discussions about some of my EP3 theories and stuff…I ended up remembering how much fun it was to talk about Umineko with people, so I went on and did EP4, too. Then this year I picked up on EP5, then did 6…and here we are. My posts got way more attention than I ever imagined they would (I think I was surprised at the fact that the Umineko fandom was still alive at all) so I ended up getting really caught up in the reread thing that, at the time, I hadn’t even expected to get as far as EP4.

Also I think at some point between my slugging through EP2 and finishing it was when I found out the EP8 manga was done being translated, and since I had already known that it would actually give answers (one of the main reasons I was so mad in the first place), and I learned about Confession of the Golden Witch…I actually cheated and went and read Confession despite not having read EP8 yet, and I feel like that was the final key I needed to let go of a lot of my resentment. I felt like Confession did a much better job of selling Yasu to me as a pitiable character than the VN had…where EP7 felt very whiny to me, and I was extremely bitter about the ending and how Ryukishi seemed to be excusing all the bad things Yasu did in Answer. I just saw her as just a stupid girl who took Battler’s words the wrong way and decided murdering his family was the best way to deal with that. She wasn’t believable to me and I couldn’t accept her suffering at all. I guess you could say I just didn’t have enough love. But Confession painted her struggle better for me in 3 chapters than I felt the whole VN did (without the magic of Hindsight), and I think that’s what made me say ‘okay, I’m finishing EP2 for real this time, and going to give this reread another shot’. 

Fastforward to now…and I think this past year of doing the Reread, and seeing things in the old EPs in a new light than I had the first time around…and through the discussions here on Tumblr with people who still love Umineko the way I used to, has helped me remember my own love for the series. Don’t get me wrong - I still take issue with various things, and I’m still not all that fond of Ryukishi and his attitude…but I acknowledge that he made an effort to appease the fans who felt like I did by writing the manga and giving out those answers he had wanted to keep sealed inside the catbox. If he was willing to do that, then…well, the least I can do is be willing to let go of my stupid grudge and sense of entitlement I had back then for feeling that I was ‘owed’ a certain kind of ending from him. I understand now why he wanted his story to end the way he did, and I appreciate Yasu and her struggle a lot more than I did 6 years ago, when I was super resistant to the ‘Shkanontrice Theory’ because it just seemed like a stupider version of Shmion. The fact that awareness of transpeople has increased a lot since Umineko ended in 2011 is another factor, I think, because back then I honestly was very ignorant about the subject and couldn’t really appreciate Yasu’s struggle on that level, either.

A lot can change in 6 years - that’s a fact at the core of Umineko itself. The me of 6 years ago is very different from the me of now, and I’m honestly glad I decided to give Umineko another chance, because I remember now what drew me to it in the first place. There’s just some kind of almost mystical quality to it that nothing else has…Higurashi had a feeling all its own, but somehow Umineko managed to take that quality and improve upon it. I was really engrossed in the Higurashi VN when I finally finished that, and I remember thinking to myself ‘this is actually a better and more complete story than Umineko, fuck Umineko’ (paraphrasing, probably)…but since rereading Umineko my feelings have reversed. Higurashi is great, but Umineko is just this one-of-a-kind experience that can never be replicated. 

Dangan Ronpa…was a Hell of a ride, and I enjoyed it a lot. I’m pretty excited for V3. It’s also an experience all its own, but I don’t think it can really measure up to Umineko. DR is really self-aware of how wacky and over the top it is, so it’s hard to take it seriously even in the serious moments. You make favorites, and you’re sad when they die, but like…I dunno, somehow compared to Umineko it feels almost hollow. Umineko tricks you into thinking these chars who die all the time are just gonna feel like cannon fodder after a while and you never expect to fall in love with each and every one of them, no matter how screwed up (and sometimes even irredeemable) they all are. I love the dangans as characters, but I feel like the seacats are my family. Huge worldwide despair incidents are like ‘whoa, that’s a thing’, but the inescapable tragedy on Rokkenjima is something I feel like I feel on a personal level. 

DR is a ridiculous story that somehow manages to draw you in with colorful and engaging characters that have more depth than their stereotypical talents would lead you to believe, and it definitely makes you feel invested in their struggle and cheer them on to escape and grab a happy ending. But Umineko…is fundamentally a story about how there is no happy ending. There is no escaping. Your favorites aren’t gonna pull together a miracle and come out alive against all odds in the end - they’re dead. Everyone is dead. And compared to that, I feel like…who even cares about hope vs. despair anymore? Umineko is a dumb story about a dumb family who could have prevented all this shit but they didn’t because they’re all so fucking dumb and underneath the shiny coating of red vs. blue magic battles and closed room murders and ass-neechans and memes by the bucketload it’s the most hopelessly despairful story of all. 

Maybe it’s just because I’m still a relative newbie to DR (having only gotten into it this past May) and I have such a deep history with Umineko, but if I had to wind up in a situation like the hypothetical desert island where I only had access to one…it’d be Umineko. I’d miss the hot fresh DR memes, but Umineko’s memes are tried and true. If Umineko can still make me laugh and cry 6 years later, especially after I spent so long hating it, I think I could live with it being my only form of entertainment for as long as I was trapped on the island.

Especially if it’s an island with seagulls, because then, well…

[teresaoman]

hang out with the internet’s favorite model.

If you go to Teresa Oman's Instagram, you'll be greeted by pics of her in the words and her sixteen thousand followers. Search "Teresa Oman" on Tumblr and dozens of fan blogs pop up, along with thousands of photos, some with over twenty thousand notes. Tumblr even named her one of the most reblogged models of 2013, alongside Miranda Kerr and Cara Delevingne. If you go to Urban Outfitters' homepage you'll see her lounging in grass. NYLON readers will of course recognize her from the many times she's graced the pages of our print edition. What I'm trying to say is that Teresa Oman is pretty darn famous.

But she's also pretty darn cool, and probably one of the nicest, most fun models in the business. She speaks eloquently, has the best hair ever (a fact I can confirm upon meeting her), and a pretty rad wardrobe too. Of course, her Australian accent only makes her seem more cool, as do her slang phrases and love of rainbow clothing. So aside from being a supermodel in her own right (you can find even more proof of that on her agency, Re:Quest's website), she's also a super girl IRL. Need proof? Just read on for my interview with her, where she talked modeling, music, and being a little bit of a hippie.

You are one of the most re-blogged models in the world, what does that feel like? Yeah, well that just recently came out online. I was so mind-blown because I had no idea, and I beat a bunch of Victoria's Secret girls.

Does that make you feel awesome or nervous because you're so recognizable? Pretty awesome! I'm quite happy with it because I would have never expected that. It's a nice little accomplishment, but I feel like it's just the people on the internet who have done all the work!

Do you feel it's been harder for you as a model because you're on the shorter side? I think I definitely get different sorts of jobs, but I feel like the industry is changing in the way that girls can be a lot shorter now which is really good. I never thought that I would get to be in New York in the first place. I got denied by two agencies before I signed on with my mother agent in Sydney, and they pretty much said short people don't have much going on for them in the fashion industry. But things are changing and I'm really happy about it. One of my favorite models is really short. Her name is Anja Konstantinova and she was always my idol. I saw that she was always doing really well and she was always my inspiration to keep trying because you can be short these days.

So are Australians cooler than everyone else? I feel like all the coolest models, like you, Anja Konstantinova, and Abbey Lee, come from Australia. We do have a lot of very cool models in Australia. I think it's something in the water, but I love American people too. I feel like Americans are the friendliest people by far, overseas. [laughs]

Thanks, we'll take it! Was it a big transition for you to go from being a hippie Bryon Bay girl to literally traveling the world? It was a massive transition. I moved to Sydney, so that was a transition in itself. I never thought I would be in a city as big as New York. I've definitely learned a lot and grown up as a person. I've learned to be alone because it would be hard at times being on other sides of the world without knowing one or anything, but now I've made so many good friends, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

When you're traveling, what are five things you always put in your suitcase? I have a framed picture of my two best friends and I that I bring everywhere. I've had that photo for ages. My suitcase itself is just a part of me now. My uncle and auntie got it for me for Christmas two years ago. It's a big, psychedelic rainbow suitcase.

So you never lose it at bag check? Never. It always stands out. I'm always getting compliments on it!

What would you say is your personal sense of style? I feel like that's a reason people are so drawn to you, because you always look cool in your own clothes. Thank you very much! I like anything that is old-school felling or has bright colors. I have a whole lot of secondhand clothes which are really cool. My best friend and I actually share clothes all the time.

Do you have a favorite piece of clothing? Yes. I have a denim jacket which is at my place in Sydney. I bought it in Portland, Oregon two years ago when I was visiting my sister. It's amazing. It's a regular denim jacket, but then it has all this rainbow embroidery all over it, and rainbow beading around the shoulders. It's like my lucky jacket. I think I wore it in to NYLON last year when Beth [Garrabrant, NYLON's Bookings Editor] was casting me for the one girl story in NYLON. It was my good-luck charm.

I know your parents run a music festival. What was it like growing up in a community that was so musically-influenced? Amazing. I remember when I was, maybe 11 or 10 years old, back when the festival was a lot smaller, I got to see James Brown live from the side of stage live. He was just so full of energy. I guess I never really understood how amazing what my parents do is because when I was in high school everyone would be like, "Oh, give me free tickets!" so I was actually kind of ashamed. But now I'm just so proud and so excited for them because every year the festival keeps growing bigger and bigger. You have to come!

What sort of music are you obsessed with? I'm into a massive mix. One thing I always love is feel-good disco music. KC & The Sunshine Band is my absolute favorite. I think I inherited that off my mum. Apart from that, a bit of everything. I like Tame Impala and Flight Facilities, two cool Australian bands, and then I really love the classics that you can listen to on a record player, like the Rolling Stones and David Bowie.

If someone were going to Australia, and she had to edit down a list of things that she can do on her trip, what would you say she'd have to do? I would say visit the East Coast--just everywhere on the East Coast. It's beautiful. I'm from the most easterly part of Australia which is a beautiful destination for surfing, but Sydney, where I live, is just incredible. There's no other city where you can get crystal clear blue waters and the city together. One thing I would suggest you can't miss is the Great Barrier Reef, which is one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Unfortunately, our new prime minister is trying to dump and mine it at the moment, but we're hoping that that won't happen due to everyone petitioning. Anyway, with global warming, it is slowly fading so I think it that's one place you would have to see in your lifetime before it's not there anymore.

What's your favorite Aussie slang word? There is so much good slang! When I'm at home, with my housemates, who are my best friends, we always just talk in a super-Aussie accent. Right now, you haven't heard anything! I guess "mate" is my favorite slang word. How's it going, mate? [laughs]

What's one thing that you're obsessed with that people might be surprised to learn? One thing that I'm obsessed with is that I'm slowly working on becoming a YouTube sensation. t I love funny YouTube videos, so I'm just working on trying to find the right idea for me. I mean, I've got a pretty awesome "Wrecking Ball" parody that was shot in my living room in Sydney, but it needs to be re-done because it's a bit rough around the edges. I have a few good ideas cooking up and I'll be making sure to send you some links.