#listen she will get him better fitting clothes if it's the last thing she does

[puckinghischier]

Dogtooth

jack hughes x fem!reader

WARNING - SMUT!!! minors, DNI. 18+. oral!female receiving, face riding

summary: just a lil jack thot inspired by the song dogtooth by tyler, the creator

notes: this is just a repost of the little jack blurb i posted last night, i just wanted to reformat it so it’d fit in my masterlist better. but!! this is probably my favorite jack thing i’ve ever written and i’m obsessed with this song so, hope you enjoy!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼

[2.3k]

dogtooth by tyler, the creator?? that song is soooooo jack coded.

it’s the right kind of cocky but also the perfect amount of loving his woman, which is exactly how i picture jack to be in a relationship.

he’s a pretty private guy, not enjoying being in the media too much and revealing a ton about his personal life. he hates media because he doesn’t like the feeling of people assuming they know everything about him. but his girl? she knows everything about this man and he basks in the fact she knows him better than anyone else.

and when he’s down for someone? oh he’s down baddddd. i mean, pining level shit. he always wants to be around her. always calling her. always texting her. he just wants her attention 24/7, no matter what he has to do to get it.

he loves to pleasure his girl. and that’s it, really. he loves any second he can spend making her feel good, any way she wants. he doesn’t even care about the reciprocation (though he does love when she returns the favor) because knowing he’s the one to satisfy her needs is enough to put him on cloud nine all by itself.

and the second jack hears this song for the first time? oh he’s got big plans for it. (and you)

you’d be sitting on the couch, waiting on jack to get home from a mid-day skate. he sent you a text telling you he was leaving the rink around thirty minutes ago, expecting him to walk through the door any second.

no sooner than the thought entered your mind, you heard the lock click, signaling his arrival. calling out a greeting, you’re met with silence. you turn your body to see why he’s ignoring you, noticing the small white ear buds stuck in each ear.

he sets his bag down at the door, no doubt filled with his sweat soiled clothes he wants you to wash. waiting on him to look up and acknowledge you, you lay your head on the plush cushions resting against the back of the couch. you watch him, never missing an opportunity to admire how pretty he is.

finally, he looks up and meets your gaze, smiling at your love-filled eyes. he pops one headphone out while walking towards you, rolling it around in his hand.

“hey, sweets,” he leans down to place a small kiss on your waiting lips.

you savor the taste of his lips, always loving their soft feel.

“tried to say hi when you walked in, but guess you couldn’t hear me,” you gesture to the one earbud still lodged in one of his ears.

he gives you a small, apologetic look. “sorry, found a new song i really like. think you will too, actually. made me think about you.”

grabbing his phone from his pocket with his free hand, the one that’s holding the small bluetooth device brushes your hair away from your own ear, comfortably resting the earbud there.

“here’s the thing though….i want you to ride my face while we listen,” he just casually tells you, not even looking up at your face, still fiddling with his phone.

you perk up, surprised at his casualness. “i- what?”

“you heard me, before i press play i want you to ride my face.”

said face in question is dead serious, not an ounce of mischief to be found.

“you…literally just walked through the front door. what happened to asking each other about our days? or discussing what we’re gonna eat for dinner?” you ask him, not knowing how to react to the sudden proposal.

he rolls his eyes playfully. “is this your way of telling me you don’t want to? because you don’t have to. just think it’d really add to the experience, s’all” he shrugs.

you still don’t know how to react to the pure casualness of it all. by the way he’s acting you’d think he’s suggesting watching a movie, not having you ride his face in the middle of the living room.

“i didn’t say i didn’t want to. it’s just a little wild for that to be one of the first things out of your mouth when you get home.”

jack snickers at your words, walking around the large sectional to occupy the spot next to you.

“not really. not for me, at least. been thinking about it all day,” he plops down beside of you, making himself comfortable.

his words shoot excitement down to your core. he’s been thinking about it all day?

before you can think of a response, you feel shuffling next to you on the plush couch. you look over to see jack laying flat on his back, head only slightly raised to look over at you expectantly.

“so, you gonna get rid of those shorts or what?” he asks, referencing your thin, cotton pajama bottoms.

“i swear to god, if i wasn’t turned on right now i’d slap you,” you grumble, standing and removing all clothing below your waist.

jack laughs a real, out loud, laugh this time, prideful in the fact that you’ve never really been able to (or wanted to) resist any of his offers.

he burrows his body further into the couch, making sure he’s in the middle of the large surface, ensuring there’s room for your knees to rest on either side of his head.

you climb to hover over his body, looking down at his hungry eyes that are glued to your bare pussy, following every movement of your body from that landmark.

“shirt off or on?” you ask him, sitting on his toned abdomen.

“off. wanna be able to play with your boobs, please,” he flicks his eyes up to your face, an innocent smile on his own as he bats his eyelashes.

“of course you do,” you remove your (his) t-shirt from your body, now completely bare as you sit on top of him.

“swear they get bigger every time i see them,” he says in awe, bringing a hand up to massage one of your full breasts. you moan as he kneads the flesh, stomach turning flips in anticipation of what’s about to take place.

“gonna press play so we can get started or you just gonna play with my tits all night?” you huff out, loving the feeling but growing needier by the second.

it takes jack a second to register what you’re saying, too lost in the feeling of the heavy skin in his hand.

“oh! yeah, almost forgot,” he reaches up to the back of the couch where he left his phone, picking it up long enough to press play.

you scoot yourself farther up his body, resting your eager core right above his chin. all you’d have to do is relax your thighs the slightest amount to make contact with his mouth. 

suddenly you hear a smooth beat ring out in one ear, assuming jack’s hearing the same.

the second you hear the lyrics “she could ride my face i don’t want nothing in return” pour out of the earbud, jack inched his face up, licking a long, deep stripe through your folds.

you allow yourself to relax, sliding your slick pussy back and forth gently, not wanting to rush.

jack’s nose brushes your clit with every movement. you sigh at the feeling, not realizing how much you needed the friction until now.

the melody in your ear continues, but none of the lyrics are registering anymore. the feeling of jack’s tongue working through you takes every ounce of your attention.

“god, fuck! jack, best idea ever,” you moan out, picking up your pace slightly.

jack groans, letting his tongue still for a moment, allowing you to work yourself over it as you please.

fighting through the bliss radiating throughout your body, you try to focus on the lyrics at least a little bit. the chorus starts repeating, but the lyrics that follow make your head fuzzy in the best way.

“she could ride my face i don’t want nothin’ in return, except for some her time and all her love, that’s my concern” is what you focus on, the words squeezing your heart and your cunt.

jack smirks into your pussy when he hears you moan, knowing exactly which lyrics elicited the reaction from your body. you’ve always been the type to get off on the sweet nothings he whispers in your ear while he fucks into you, so he knew that line in particular would be especially helpful while his mouth is otherwise occupied.

your pace increases again as the song continues on, already halfway to your release.

jack brings his hands up to hold you still, your hole mere centimeters from his waiting tongue. he guides you to lower yourself onto the muscle, encouraging a slight bobbing motion of your body.

with every depression of your cunt onto his tongue, your clit bumps onto the tip of his nose. the pressure is a delicious form of teasing, the sensation gone nearly as soon as it’s felt each time.

“please, touch me. need you to touch me, jack. so so close,” you pant out, feeling the familiar swirl of your climax forming already.

jack grunts in response, the vibrations sending waves all throughout your body and you’re convinced you can feel it in your toes.

his hands leave your hips, traveling up your body until they find your sensitive buds, pinching and playing with each pink, taut nipple.

you jolt a bit, the motion causing your clit to slam against his nose this time. you cry out at all of the various sensations all at once. full with his tongue, rough hands on your tits, and round nose scraping against your clit.

the pure stimulation of it all forces your orgasm out of you, slamming into your body with the force of a train.

“fuck!” you scream, quickly shooting a hand out to grip the back of the couch, trying to stop yourself from collapsing on jack’s face completely.

you can barely hear the words “she can ride my face i don’t want nothin’ in return, and will i ever fall in love again? i can’t confirm,” ring through your ear, the soundtrack to your release, literally.

jack continues to work his tongue in and out of your hole while you shake and convulse above him, having to chase your entrance as you move. he continues to knead your sensitive breasts, each squeeze sending small volts through your already spent nerves.

he can feel your release dripping onto his cheeks, chin, and nose. he tries to lap up as much as he can, not wanting to miss a drop of your liquid pleasure.

your taste alone was enough to form the wet spot on his grey sweats, not embarrassed in the slightest he’s literally leaking from how turned on he is. but when he looks up at you above him, skin damp and eyes half rolled into the back of your head, mixed with the feeling of your body tightening around his tongue so harshly he can’t even pull it out, he blows his load right then and there.

he can feel the last flutters of your walls around his tongue, not stopping his movements until you pull back, having half a mind to keep going and work another orgasm out of your sensitive state. he moans through his own unprompted release, the only thing keeping him from following his sudden impulse to overstimulate you.

once the tired muscles in your thighs stop shaking, and your breath evens out, you can hear the fading of the music in your ear, signaling the end of the song. you push up slightly on your knees, detaching yourself from jack’s mouth as he chases your now swollen cunt, a small whine escaping him at the action.

“jack…the song’s over,” you manage the words somehow, in awe that he made you come in only a single song’s length.

“i can hit replay,” he rushes out, already reaching to grab his phone again.

you squeak out a slightly panicked “no,” while shaking your head, worried if he started again you might actually explode. you let yourself relax fully, scooting back so you can rest yourself on his lower abdomen once again, but the feeling of something wet stops you.

jerking back up, you turn and look down, spotting the large, wet stain on his sweatpants. you can’t stop staring at it, wondering if you’re really looking at what you think you’re looking at.

“jack…did you…” you trail off, turning back around to look at him.

he smirks as he leans himself up on his elbows. “sure did, sweets. you have no clue how much i enjoyed that.”

you laugh at his pride filled face. “pretty sure i do, seeing as i just sat on the evidence.”

he simply shrugs, patting your bare ass lightly to signal you to stand. you swing your legs over his body, standing and bending over to pick up your discarded underwear and slide it back up your legs.

“so….about that dinner conversation,” you ask him as he stands, suddenly way hungrier than you were when he first got home.

it’s his turn to laugh at you, walking over and removing the now silent earbud from your ear.

“whatever you want is fine with me. i already ate,” he gives you a kiss on the forehead then turns to walk towards the bedroom.

“oh…not even right, you dick,” you huff, following it with telling him you’re ordering his least favorite take out, a punishment for his sass.

making your way to the kitchen to dig through the different take out menus, you hear jack shout your name once again.

“i was thinking, how do you feel about that being our wedding song?” he asks, poking his now shirtless, but clean sweats clad, figure out of the bedroom door.

“jack!” you shout, scolding him as his loud cackle rings out around you, causing your own amused smile to break out on your face.

[b3ach-bunn7]

PLEASEEEE WRITE MORE FOR TOUYA 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Ur wish is my command 🛵

LEATHER COATS AND PIZZA

Never a dull moment when you hang out with Dabi and the rest of your friends

No quirks au, pining, LOV as high schoolers

part 2

—————————————————————————

“Move up.”

You shuffle to the left as Dabi plops down next to you. You’re currently all shoved onto Shigarakis couch, half watching the movie on his Tv and half chattering about whatever. You’re squeezed between Dabi, whose eyes are looking at the TV but not really watching, and Toga, who’s flicking through a Teen Girl magazine, absentmindedly filling out the questionnaires on the back. Shigaraki is sprawled on a loveseat, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he plays some game on his switch. Twice is leaning on the arm of the chair next to him and giving very unnecessary tips that Shigaraki does not need. Spinner is lying down on the floor. You think he’s exhausted after his football training, but he’s usually sleeping any time you guys hang out, so you’re not too concerned.

You don’t really look like you fit in with this friendship group. They’re weird enough as is. Spinner has this weird obsession with amphibians and bright clothes. Shigraki always has gloves on because of his bad eczema and he’s always scowling, and Toga’s cute aesthetic completely opposes her love of all things gore and violence that she’ll tell to anyone who’ll listen. And Dabi, whose face was more metal than skin from all the piercings he has. That, and the mystery that surrounds the burn scars that litter his skin.

All in all, it was a pretty rag tag group. You were glaringly normal compared to them. No weird habits or affinities, but none of you cared. You can’t even remember how you joined their group but you know you don’t regret it. Some of their activities weren’t exactly your forte. You do walk away whenever they decide that spending money on stuff is too much effort, or when they’d rather stay in an abandoned parking lot half the night then get in bed for school. But despite all of that, you always meet them halfway. Shigaraki’s parents are never really home and so you always find yourselves lounging around his house every other day. You watch movies, order pizzas, finish your homework. Whatever you feel up for.

Today, your eyes are trying their hardest not to flit to your right. Dabi is so close to you right now. His thigh is pressed into yours and it’s so warm. You’ve learnt that that is always the case. You remember one night after a party he’d walked you home. Even through the layers of your coat and dress, your arm gripping his had heated you up against the cold autumn air.

You adjust your position and he glances at you, but he doesn’t move. If anything he gets closer, bringing his arm up behind the couch to rest behind your head.

“Guys, would you say I like my men edgy but fun, or preppy but unique?” Toga hums, biting the end of her pencil.

“Don’t care.” Shigaraki mumbles.

“Rude. I think edgy but fun.” You say.

Twice frowns, shaking his head. “No, don’t you remember that Deku guy you liked? He was definitely preppy but unique.”

“No, he was more like. I don’t know. A nice guy.” Spinner ponders from the floor.

“He was a pussy.”

“Dabi, don’t be mean, he was nice!” Toga whines.

Dabi just rolls his eyes and you giggle. You lean forward to read the page she’s on. Apparently, Toga is about to find the ‘guys she’s totally in tune with’. You point to one of the teenage boys imprinted on the page, all fake smiles and box dye hair.

“He looks like he could be totally in tune with you.” You wiggle your eyebrows.

Dabi leans forward over you to get a better look. You can smell that woodsy and smokey smell that always follows him.

“He’s too emo.”

“You’re one to talk.” Toga mutters, and Dabi smacks the back of her head.

Toga sighs and abandons the page and keeps flicking through the magazine. You yawn. It’s only seven pm but you’re tired. You’d stayed up all last night with Dabi on the phone. It was sort of a tradition the two of you had. You’d watch a movie together, the two of you counting down to sync up your Netflix on whatever movie you were watching. Somehow, you’d stayed up talking all last night. It wasn’t unusual for that to happen but after a long day at school it’s all adding up. You lean your head against the back of the couch on Dabi’s arm.

“The movie not catching your fancy?” He asks.

You smile slightly. It’s something stupid and full of violence, the kind of stuff both of you hate. “No. It’s awful.”

“Of course it is, Shiggy picked it.” Dabi rolls his eyes.

You go to grab the remote and Dabi does too. Your fingers touch, only for a second, but the heat blooms in your hands. You both apologise, clumsily, but Dabi picks it up regardless and starts flipping through channels.

“Hey, they have a truth or dare page! Let’s play!”

It’s a testament to how bored you all are that that catches your attention. Toga slides down on the floor and spinner and twice join her. Shigraki looks unbothered but he still turns his switch off and sits up. You and Dabi stay on the couch. Funnily enough, despite the extra room, the two of you don’t move, legs still pressed up against each other.

“Truth or dare? A bit childish, no?” You whisper quietly enough that nobody but Dabi can hear you.

“What, you scared?”

“Shut up. I’m scared of nothing.” You flex your arms and Dabi smirks.

“It’s been ages since I’ve played. Isn’t there meant to be a forfeit if you don’t do the truth or dare?”

Dabi nods. “Yeah, usually.”

“What’s ours?”

“You have to kiss me.”

You turn your head away so he doesn’t seen the flush on your cheeks. Flirting is nothing you’re not used to with Dabi. Any woman he speaks to is unfortunately a victim of it. Despite his whole punk ‘don’t talk to me’ look, Dabi is undeniably attractive. There’s something so obvious about it. Like if you look at him for just a second more than you’d think to, it would all jump at you; his soft hair, the bright blue eyes, and that boyish grin. So you’re not really fussed by all his flirting. You’ve been there, done that. It’s Dabi at the end of the day. Nothing means anything with him.

“You wish.” You push him away as he pouts his lips at you.

Toga claps her hands. “Okay! Who’s going first?”

“Me!” Twice springs up from his seat, excited. “I pick dare.”

“Daring choice! Okay, so. Go onto instagram and like every highlight of the first person that you see.”

Twice was not happy about that, considering the girl that popped up on his page was apparently ‘someone he was interested in’. But his mood lights up quickly once Toga passes him the magazine so he can ask a question.

And you carry on like that, getting through the group. Shigaraki reluctantly plays a ‘Kiss, marry, kill’ with some of the less attractive teachers at UA, Spinner eats a spoonful of sriracha.

“Dabi. Your, fuck, it’s your turn.” Spinner fans his face while Toga giggles at him.

“Truth.”

Dabi waves off the boos from the rest of your group. Spinner hushes them and reads the first truth on the page. “If you had to marry one person in this room, who would it be?”

“Y/N.”

He doesn’t hesitate in the slightest. Your name slips off his tongue like he didn’t even mean it to. His face looks surprised for a split second before he glances around the room.

“Uh, okay. Your turn to ask a question.” Spinner hands him the magazine.

You’re still slightly dumbfounded. So is Toga, because she is narrowing her eyes at Dabi very suspiciously. He notices her out of the corner of his eye and raises a brow.

“What?”

She says your name questioningly. You look down at your lap because the loose thread on your jeans is suddenly very interesting.

“Do I need to explain myself or something?”

Toga sighs, propping her knees up and leaning her head on them. “No, you’re okay. It’s your turn.” She leans her head up and it thumps against your leg. You run your fingers through her bangs and she smiles.

“Truth or dare?”

“Hm. Dare.”

Dabi grins. “Daring choice.” Toga sticks her tongue out at the horrible impression of her voice. “Wait, which one do I pick?” His eyes flit over the page of options.

“Uh, we’ve just been going down the list. I think we’re on number four?” Twice says.

Dabi nods. He opens his mouth to speak, but then he stops. Clears his throat, and tries again.

“Kiss the most attractive person in the room.”

You groan as the others start cheering.

“Finally, this is getting interesting.” Shigaraki laughs.

“Don’t get too excited, she’s not kissing you, Shiggy.” Dabi scoffs.

“Fuck off.”

You huff. “Why do I get the creepy one?”

“Hey, I’d gladly kiss someone than eat what I had to.” Spinner grumbles, still nursing a bottle of water.

“Okay. Okay I’ll do it.”

They’re all looking at you expectantly. You know who it’s going to be. Of course it’s going to be Dabi. You’re sure they all know it too, because the others are just looking at the two of you on the couch, giving no other signs of being ready for a kiss. You swallow once. Turn to your side and he’s already looking at you so intensely. The corner of his mouth lifts up slightly.

“Let’s get this over with.”

“Aw, don’t act like you don’t love this, baby.”

You decide that instead of telling him to shut up you’ll do it instead. You grab the scratchy materia of his stupid band tee he always insists on wearing. It almost hurts when your mouths meet, and his hand immediately cups your cheek, warm palm almost covering your whole face. You’re sure the kiss isn’t meant to last this long, but you feel his teeth bite your bottom lip and you have to push away before you start moaning in front of your friends.

You break apart, breathless. Dabi’s lips are red and look freshly kissed and you guess you must look the same. You feel your face heat and you turn to look at the others who are all looking with different degrees of shock and smugness (the last one being Toga).

“Right.” You grab the magazine from his hands. “It’s Toga’s turn?”

The rest of the night goes by quite quickly. You all soon grow bored of truth or dare, which doesn’t get any more exciting after your kiss. Which you can’t seem to stop thinking about. You and Dabi immediately fall back into normalcy but something niggles in the back of your mind. It was just a kiss, but. Does Dabi kiss everyone like that? It must explain why he gets around so much. If a man kissed you like that you can only imagine how he can do everything else to you.

But you try to ignore that. Focus on the fact you’re braiding Toga’s hair or maybe listen to the story Twice is telling you about someone at his work. Someone orders a pizza and you bug Dabi until he passes you a slice. He gets the cheesiest one in the box, like he knows you love, and you grin your thanks.

The night ends swiftly after that. You all help Shigaraki clean because that’s the only condition he sets if you all use his house as a hangout spot. Toga catches a lift with Twice and Spinner leaves on his bike. Which just leaves you and Dabi. You stand on Shigaraki’s driveway, your foot kicking a rock on the floor.

“You walked here?” Dabi asks, shrugging his coat on.

“Yeah. Regretting it now.”

“I’ll walk you.”

“Thanks.”

He just makes a noise, gesturing for you to start walking. The night air is cool. You wish you’d worn something warmer. You can’t complain though. You love autumn. The leaves crunch beneath your feet, streetlights illuminating the path. The sun is just about set, and the sky is orange, pink, purple.

It's moments like these that you’ll know you’ll remember forever. It’s weird. You remember random things like an old lady you saw on the bus home one day, the slice of red velvet cake you’d bought at some random cafe. Little, irrelevant things that you can’t help but store. But moments like these, where the setting sun catches on Dabi’s skin, and your hands brush close to each other that they almost touch, you don’t think you could ever forget.

“You going to Hawks’s party next week?” He asks suddenly.

“Uh. I guess so.” You say.

Dabi quirks a brow. “Don’t sound too excited.”

“It’s not that, it’s just.” A breeze blows over and you rub your arms. Curse short-sleeved shirts. “His parties get too crazy for me. But I haven’t seen him in ages so I’ll probably go. I miss him.”

“Mhm.” He says, suddenly standoffish.

“Are you going?”

“I guess. I just miss Hawks ever so much.” He raises his voice so it’s all high pitched. You glare at him.

“I do not sound like that, you weirdo. And I do miss him. He’s so busy now that he started playing on the school team.” You shiver slightly.

Suddenly, you feel something warm envelop you. Dabi places his jacket across your shoulders. The warm leather immediately warms you.

“Aw. You’re such a cutie.” You grin, slipping your arms into the sleeves.

“Fuck off. I’ll take it back.”

“You wouldn’t.”

He doesn’t respond to that so you know you’re right. The sleeves fall over your hands and you flap them in the air. You always forget how much bigger Dabi is than you. Even now, he’s almost two heads taller, even with his horrible posture.

“You look stupid with that on.” He says.

“I’m warm, though. Sacrifices have to be made.”

Soon enough you reach your door. He watches as you fumble for your house key before brandishing them out your bag. You go to take the jacket off and he waves you away.

“S’fine, just give it to me tomorrow.”

“If you’re sure. It’s kinda cold out.”

“I’ll be alright.”

You both stand there then. Just looking at each other. Part of you thinks that maybe you should bring up the kiss. Is it worth bringing up? Did it even mean anything? You decide against it, only because that soft look on his face is so rare that you don’t want to do anything to ruin it.

“Thanks for walking me home, Dabi.”

“Touya.”

You tilt your head slightly. “Who?”

He smiles slightly. “It’s my name.”

Oh.

“Oh.”

“You can- You don’t have to call me Dabi. You can- if you want. I don’t really care.”

You think he does care. Very evident by his stammering, something you don’t think you’ve ever seen him do. It’s cute. You don’t look into why he’s given you this privilege. You’ve heard Shigaraki and maybe Toga call him Touya before, but some part of you always knew it was a line you shouldn’t cross. Not anymore, though.

“No, I want to. Touya.”

He breathes heavily. He’s looking at you the way he was before he kissed you on that couch. Your eyes dart to his lips, and you know he saw, because he does the exact same.

“I- I should go. Goodnight, Touya.”

He nods. “Night.”

You lock the door behind you, hang up your keys. You’re not ready to ruin your friendship because of a look. A truth or dare kiss that probably means nothing.

The leather of his coat feels sticky on your skin as you walk yourself to bed.

—————————————————————————-

God I’m such a sucker for dabi in everyday normal setting…… teenager Dabi…..

Part two is posted !

[undiscovered-horizon]

Return to sender - Kaz Brekker x Reader

[graphic descriptions of violence/injury]

SUMMARY: Someone from your past keeps sending you unambiguously romantic letters. While you think of them as nothing beyond an inconvenience, Kaz has a different opinion.

WORDCOUNT: ~ 2.9k

A/N: I'm going through the first editorial correction for my novel and as it turns out, I can't speak my own mother tongue lmao

Kaz has an eye for details. Whether it’s a pattern or an overlooked design, he always notices. That set of skills, either he learned them or was born with them, made it painfully obvious to him that your foul mood coincided with correspondence he never saw you actually read. The letter usually ends up in the nearest fireplace, its secrets never uncovered and you maunder around the club looking for a fight or a strong drink. A much bigger problem, however, was the fact that if you were in a sour mood, Kaz would become exceptionally chippy without an apparent cause. ‘Care for my investment’ he calls it, which makes a rather amusing euphemism.

In any event, he knows that the letter should arrive today. Exactly seven weeks had passed since the last time some mysterious correspondence pissed you off and the sender, as far as Kaz has noticed, is like clockwork. Strangely enough, he can’t recall a day when the letter should arrive that you’d come to the club already annoyed as though he has become privy to a rather obvious pattern that you remain oblivious to. If so, he has even more advantage - he can solve this inconvenience behind your back, in case you’d try to dismiss him. He wouldn’t listen anyway, of course. Not when it comes to you.

Knowing very well that you have a habit of arriving shortly after Inej, he’s quick to find the thief before you even get a chance of catching wind of his scheme. She’s fixing her clothes when she spots him hastily limping towards her with his face turned nearly into a snarl. A hand brushes through his hair. He’s agitated. But Inej knows better than to make the first move against the unmovable mountain. Kaz sought her out, after all, and if he means business, he won’t waste time.

And he does just as she thought. Speaking in a low tone, Kaz makes her part of his conspiracy: “Inej, I need you to do something but no one else can know. Someone will deliver a letter today. Follow them and find out as much as you can,” his voice is stern, not accepting refusal. The matter appears urgent, of utter importance.

Her keen gaze studies his face for a moment, looking for any way even the slightest tick of muscles could reveal a further piece of the mystery she isn’t yet privy to. “Is this about the new job we’re doing?” She elegantly manoeuvres around the subject.

Kaz knows what she’s trying to do. He clenches his jaw and gives her a blank, although somewhat impatient, look before slowly answering: “It’s rather loosely related.”

This is enough to put her curiosity on hold - for now, at least. The unmovable mountain remains, well, unmovable. Inej nods. “I’m on it.”

The moment she ends her sentence, the door to the club opens with a creek echoing through the otherwise empty venue, immediately earning the undivided attention of Kaz and Inej. The sound of heels against the wooden floor is unmistakable as is the fitting, rather short, coat. Inej smiles, stifling laughter as she notices Kaz immediately straightening his back when he sees you.

There’s a certain spring to your step, one that Kaz has learned to associate with complacency. Although this joyous aura is making his mind turn into quicksand swallowing anything coherent, he’s got enough grip on his thoughts to render his theory proved - you really do not have any idea that the letters come regularly. 

With a triumphant grin, you wave a scroll in his face. “I had a hunch and did some browsing at the city archives. You’re going to love it.”

Inej is gone and the only thing Kaz can do at the moment is wait along with trying his best not to think about this mail fiasco. But considering you’ll spend the entire day a mere inch or two away from him, he’s hardly going to do much thinking anyway. 

“Let’s see it then,” Kaz interposes before turning around and walking back to his office. 

Making his way to Brekker’s office, Jesper examined the expensive stationery from every side and angle. No matter the perspective, the cursive letters on the front still spell out your name. Truthfully, he does that every time you receive mail, mainly because of how little you talk about the possible sender. There’s always a huff, an eye-roll and the envelope ends up turned into ashes, without any further explanation. You become short-tempered for the rest of the day and go ballistic on anyone trying to inquire about the mysterious correspondence. As much entertainment as it usually brings Jesper, he’s smart enough to know when to stop poking the bear.

Jesper knocks on the door but opens them right after - announcing his arrival rather than asking for permission to enter. 

“...smuggling through the sewers.” He hears you finishing your sentence.

Both you and Kaz simultaneously tear away your gaze from the maps scattered on the table and bore your eyes into Jesper with anticipation. He lifts the letter, wriggling his wrist slightly, and immediately your expression falls. You clench your fist. A contemptuous grimace creeps onto your face.

“Letter for you,” he announces.

“By the Saints, not this again,” you whisper and roll your eyes.

“What do you mean again?” Jesper asks casually, half expecting you to break his hand and half hoping for an answer. Today, as it turns out, is his lucky day.

“A friend once convinced me to go to some socialite high tea with her. I met someone there, we wrote to each other a few times and then he started to be obnoxious, the whole ‘woe is me’ lark.” The memory must still be vivid to you as you let out an annoyed sigh. “He claimed he can’t live without me while never spelling my name correctly. But since I value myself a little too much to waste my time on pity parties, I simply stopped replying. The last letter I sent him, I don’t know, three years ago? And he just keeps coming back.” You clench your jaw, clearly stopping yourself from a string of profanities considered obscene even in this company.

Jesper puts on a playful grin. “You know, you never struck me as someone who’d have a secret admirer.”

Your irritated gaze makes him equally amused and nervous. “He’s not exactly secret, is he? More of a returning cockroach infestation. Worry not, boys, I’ll just burn this one like the rest and we can all forget about this little perplexity.”

“Come on, you’re not even a little bit curious about what’s inside?” Jesper coaxes as he hands you the letter.

“Believe me when I tell you that I don’t give a rat’s bald ass about this man and his pathetic wax poetic.” You snatch the envelope, all the while looking at your friend with squinted, piercing eyes. Considering who you are, a complete lack of curiosity whatsoever might as well be a symptom of a lethal disease.

In that short moment, when the stationery goes from Jesper’s hand into yours, Kaz watches the letter as closely as he can. Smooth paper, probably expensive. Careful lettering, written with patience and thoughtfulness. An aroma of mint and tobacco lingers on the parchment. The stamp has the current date on it and the postal code is only a few numbers away from the club’s - whoever sent it is in Ketterdam and quite close by.

Kaz makes those little observations just in time because you throw the letter into the fireplace behind him, without even glancing at the paper. The flames grow for a few seconds, devouring the dry stationery. Soon, there’s no evidence that any mail has been delivered to you on this day.

“Now, where were we?” You clap your hands. “Ah, sewers.” Jesper takes the change of subject as his cue to leave but you stop him right when he pushes down the door handle. “Oh, and Jesper? If you tell Inej, I’m ripping your arm off and beating you to death with it.”

He looks at you over his shoulder, a newfound sense of anxiety turning his vivid amusement into somewhat tame courtesy, leaving his smile unfaltering but tearing away the genuine joy behind it. “I will keep this enlightening piece of advice in mind, thank you.”

The door clicks as Jesper closes it behind himself. Returning to your previous engagement, you stumble upon Brekker’s stern gaze of disapproval. 

“Do not maim my investments.” Although it’s supposed to be a scolding or a threat, it comes out with a certain note of disinterest.

“Don’t try playing all nice, Kaz. You and I both know you’d watch for like ten minutes before stepping in.”

His gloved finger taps the map. “Sewers.” 

You mumble something along the lines of ‘yes, sir’ and pick up the single-handed divider again. Kaz examines your face out of the corner of his eye. Judging by your casual demeanour, the palm’s length between your heads is of no bother to you. Maybe you’re just too busy counting the segments with the divider. When you’re done, you reach for the other side of the desk, for a moment leaving broody Kaz to the, surprisingly cold, lukewarm air filling the room.

This day just can’t seem to end for Burr Lowther. First, he had to take his regular trip into the filth of the Barrel, he shudders at the memory, only to then spend another ten hours at the sewing workshop. Being a foreman pays exceptionally well and perhaps this is the only reason he’s still putting up with those lazy needlewomen. 

Putting his well-kept coat on the hanger by the front door, Burr lets out a sigh of relief - compared to the factory, his house is a quiet oasis. He remembers to take out a pouch and a box of expensive cigars from his coat. Without much thinking, he opens the small bag and puts another leaf of mint between his teeth. What started first as an addition to his personal hygiene, has quickly become a habit impossible to kill. Now used to the strong, chilly sensation on his tongue, he’s grown to like it. 

The house is drowning in darkness. Dim, yellow light from the streetlamps crawling in through the windows is barely enough to let him make his way around the furniture. Foreman Lowther is yet to start the fire in his living room but he needs to be quick - if he stalls too long his joints will begin to hurt. Even with laudanum, the ache is bound to keep him up for hours and that’s something he can’t afford. But first, he needs some light to be able to get the necessary things.

Chewing on the herb, Burr walks to the table across the room from the fireplace. He puts the new box of cigars down and begins looking for something to light the oil lamp. Once he blindly finds a box of matches, his muscle memory does most of the job - he’s lit up the lamp far too many times to think about the actions. In swift, mechanical motions, Burr takes off the chimney, lights the wick and puts the glass part back on. The fire brightens the rest of the table, reminding the foreman that he forgot to put away the made-to-order McKinnon & Co. stationery. He pushes the paper farther away from the lamp, just in case.

Burr’s knees make a cracking noise when he crouches in front of the fireplace. Carefully, he lights a match and puts it between logs and old newspapers. The fire smoulders for a moment, balancing between starting and being put out, before a bigger flame begins gnawing at the dry wood and paper. 

Foreman Lowther is about to stand up when something hits the side of his head, making his face clash with the seat of a nearby armchair. Scurrying and turning around, he sees an outline of a man, looking more like a feverish mare of the night than a real human. He’s thin and tall, dressed rather elegantly. The model crow on his cane glistens in the newly started fire.

“Who are you?” Burr’s voice cracks, giving away his panic.

“A scorned businessman, Burr Lowther,” Kaz explains slowly.

The foreman climbs backwards into the armchair. It’s difficult to look imposing while sitting beside a fireplace but his fear is far too severe to let the man stand on his own two feet.

“I’ve no business with you!” he yells. A few droplets of spit fly out of his mouth. “Get out!” Burr’s shaky hand points vaguely in the direction of the front door but Kaz, as it seems, is not going anywhere just yet.

In slow steps, Kaz gets closer to Burr, the difference in height painting him even more menacing. Lowther’s hand falls limp on a small table meant for trays with food.

“Perhaps you don’t. But I have plenty with you.”

Before foreman Lowther can ask another question, Brekker drives a sharp blade through the man’s palm, pinning it to the wooden counter. A howl of pain cuts through the night, scaring away the birds sitting outside the windows. Thick, crimson blood spills from the wound, falling to the floor in long drops. The fireplace’s flame glistens in the growing puddle, the reflection dances in morbid anticipation.

Kaz walks over to the table with the oil lamp. The first thing that catches his eye is the ivory paper. Somehow, he stifles the visceral reaction it elicits from him. Grabbing the wad of stationery, he folds it a few times and puts it in the inner pocket of his coat. Then his gaze trails towards the wooden box of cigars. The name of the company, Starling, is burned in cursive lettering on the front. In a swift movement, Kaz slides the package open, knowing exactly what he’s going to find inside - a cigar cutter. For people who can afford Starling tobacco products, it definitely doesn’t befit to chew off the end.

Firelight cascades off the metal cutter when Kaz turns back towards Burr. The man’s eyes widen in panic, recognizing the sharp device put against him.

“No, sir,” Burr begs with a frantic shake of his head. “Oh, Saints, please, no! Don’t! I’m begging you, sir! Please, please! No, please!”

Brekker’s face doesn’t change its indifferent expression. The pleading is not putting him off, never faltering his already-made decision. Perhaps, if it isn’t too morbid to consider, he’s enjoying having someone at his mercy. The cigar cutter clicks quietly as Kaz closes it a few times to check the state of the mechanism.

Kaz makes his way back to the foreman. Casually, he puts his cane against the table but away from the nailed palm, careful not to get it dirty. Then, he snatches Burr’s other hand, the swiftness diminishing all doubts that he’s inexperienced in bringing suffering.

“You have laid your hands on something that isn’t yours, Lowther,” Brekker explains as he forces one of the man’s fingers through the cutter’s opening. “Now you must pay for it.”

A muscle in his face ticks as he presses the cigar cutter. Burr howls in agony, tears streaming down his face. The finger falls to the floor with a wet slap as blood begins to pour. The white tip of the bone sticks out from the pulsating flesh, glistening in the warm, dim light of the burning fireplace.

In a feverish delirium, Lowther mumbles something under his nose, the string of incomprehensible words sometimes interrupted by sobs. Kaz can understand only two things from the ramblings of a madman: ‘wench’ and ‘reply’. Scarce information but he hardly needs more.

“Wench?” he repeats in a low voice.

With a snap of his wrist, Kaz twists the knife still residing in the man’s hand. A bone cracks. But there’s no scream this time - not an ounce of strength left in the victim. Lonely tears stream down his grey face, mixing with cold sweat as he blankly stares ahead. A gloved hand yanks his head back by the hair, forcing delirious Burr to look into Brekker’s eyes. They look darker than they should, clouded with something far too horrible to be considered human.

“Not only did you lay your filthy hands on something of mine,” Kaz’s voice is low enough to resemble a growl as though something carnal inside him has finally woken from its slumber, “but you also dare insult her.”

Burr makes a strange guttural noise, something between a gag reflex and a murmur, as another one of his fingers is cut off. Considering his vacant expression, it’s hard to say whether his consciousness even registered the loss.

Kaz tosses away the cigar cutter. It clutters and clicks falling in the largely unknown corner of the room. Reaching inside his coat, he pulls out the folded stationery. Pressing tightly on Burr’s cheeks, he forces the man’s mouth open.

“I don’t think you will be needing this anymore.”

Even if foreman Lowther was in his right mind at the moment, there wouldn’t be much he could do to prevent Kaz from shoving the dry paper down his throat. A match, a spark, a smoulder - the ivory stationery is burning inside Burr’s mouth.

Leaving Burr Lowther to his own devices, Kaz Brekker leaves the house, joining the otherwise grey and indifferent citizens of Ketterdam. The sunrise is just a few hours away. He’s making his way back to the club, uninterrupted and unbothered, to enjoy another day of your hardly divided attention.

[rockermybuddie]

Mistake

Rocker x reader

Story 2

Summary: You wake up realizing you probably just made the worst mistake in your whole career. In a panic you go over to Chris’s for her advice. But how does Rocker feel?

————

You open your eyes and look up at an unfamiliar ceiling. Your eyes wonder to the blank white walls then to the navy dresser. “Shit” you say quietly when you remember last night.

You look over to your left and see Rocker fast asleep. You quietly get out of the bed trying not to wake him.

You look for your clothes but cant find your underwear, then you remember Rocker ripping them off. “No underwear it is.” You say to yourself.

“Leaving already?” You jump at the sound of Rockers voice. He laughs. “Not funny Rocker.” You snap. “Come on, dont leave yet. We dont have shift today.” He asks opening his arms for you to crawl into.

As bad as you want to you know you shouldn’t. “I cant Rocker. We shouldn’t of even done what we did last night.” You tell him as you make your way down stairs to retrieve your top in the kitchen.

“What do you mean?” He asks concerned following you closely behind. “This, this was a one time thing.” You say pointing your finger between you and him.

“Babe, we are great together.” Rocker begs. “Yeah and seeing you almost die stirred my feelings. But my career Rocker.” You tell him. It hurts you just as much knowing you two cant date but SWAT is important, without it you dont know what to do.

“Its just a piece of paper we have to sign.” Rocker tells you. You roll your eyes he doesn’t understand how dating the leader of a squad being just an officer how that can change how people see you.

You grab your gun from the drawer he put it in last night and your badge as you make your way to the door.

“Sweetheart please. Lets talk about this. Us.” Rocker begs trying to reach for your hand. “No Rocker.” You swat his hand away and open the door going straight to your car.

Its hard not to look back at Rocker standing in the doorway watching you leave. Rocker rubs a hand down his face as he watches you drive away.

You text Chris askingher if she was awake, when she replied you were on the way to her apartment.

“Chris i messed up.” You say as soon as she opens her door. “Slow down, what happened?” She asks as you pace around her apartment.

“I slept with Rocker.” You start off with. She raises her eyebrows as she listens to you explain what happened from when you all got back to HQ to this morning.

“That can not happen again.” She says. “Yeah i know. And it wont.” You tell her. “Then it shouldn’t be a problem hes not your squad leader.” She tells you.

“No one can find out about this.” You say. “And they wont. You tell Rocker that?” She asks. “I told him that this could mess with my career.” You look at Chris with a worried expression, what if Rocker tells someone? Then its going to spread that you slept with him.

“I don’t think Rocker would intentionally hurt your career but you better have a conversation with him. One that wont lead you two in bed.” Chris says with her stern voice. “Thanks Chris.” You tell her.

Chris has been with the team for years, being the only woman on SWAT must of been hard. She was so welcoming of you when you joined. The two of you clicked instantly when you joined.

Getting back in your car you head back to your apartment to take a shower.

———

When you get put of your shower theres a knock at your door. You go to answer.

“Rocker? Whatvare you doing here?” You ask in surprise not expecting to see him again so soon. “We need to talk about us.” He says looking down at you. He tries to keep his eyes on your face but your hair is up in a towel, your shirt fits you just right and your shorts are real short showing your soft smooth plump thighs.

You hesitate if you should let him in your apartment going back to yours and Chris”s conversation. Your apartment would be an easy place to end up back in bed.

“Are you going to let me in?” Rocker asks when you haven’t moved from the doorway. His voice sounded so authoritative you moved out of habit and he walked right in.

“I cant be with you and be on SWAT. It wont work.” You tell him. Maybe if you be straight up this conversation can end quicker.

“It can work. We just dont tell anyone and till we have to.” Rocker says. “That is literally the stupidest thing to ever come out of your mouth.” You roll your eyes. You cant believe he just said that.

“Please. After last night i cant see myself being happy with anyone else.” Rocker begs. “We slept together once and you made up your mind?” You snap, he sounds like every man the next day after hooking up.

“I’ve had my eyes on you the day you joined SWAT. I knew i was/am going to end up with you one way or another.” He tells you. You blush at that since you knew he had his eyes on you but never took it this serious.

“Maybe if one of us moves stations or something. It wont work right now. I know neither of us is going to want to move. Rocker i, i like you. But dating you could risk my reputation as a SWAT officer. You know why.” You tell him, looking him straight in the eyes so he knows you’re serious, even though he is taking this conversation seriously.

“Yeah, I understand.” He says in a disappointed voice. His head drops down between his shoulders as he heads towards the door.

“One last time?” You ask, you didnt even think before those words came out of your mouth but i was too late to take them back.

Rocker crossed the room in one step scooping you up so you were straddling him as he crashes his lips down on yours.

He lays you down on your counter as he lifts off your shirt. The cold marble on your back making your nipples hard.

Rocker kisses his was down your body sucking here and there as his hands remove your shorts.

Once he got your shorts and underwear off he starts softly sucking on your lips as he takes in your scent.

A soft moan escapes as he runs his tongue across you. You grip the back of his head as he begins sucking and moving his tongue around inside of you.

Part of you was sad when he kissed his way back up but was fulfilled when his cock took its place inside of you.

You didnt even realize Rocker was naked he had you in a fantasy.

Rocker held you in place with a hand on top of your head, hand tangled in your hair as he thrusted in and out of you on the slippery counter.

Everytime he slammed his hips into you small screams escaped but was covered by his mouth on top of yours in a wet deep kiss.

You felt Rocker pull out and wuick after felt the sticky substance on your stomach. You didnt care though, it was going to take a while to get off this counter.

Rocker grabbed a hand towel and wiped you clean. You sat up on the counter getting down, grabbing onto Rocker for support because your legs are weak.

“If its gonna be our last time had to make it the best sweetheart.” Rocker says helping you catch your balance. “Yes never again.” You match the disappointment in your voice with his. But its for the best.

You both get dressed and Rocker heads to the door to leave. “Bye Rocker. See you around.” You say.

“Bye honey.” Rocker says opening the door. You watch Rocker leave, you wish the two of you could be together but your career comes first.

You decide not to tell Chris about having sex with Rocker a second time. It doesn’t matter because its the last….

————

[k8kaa]

PG8 : SEXUAL TENSION

content : nsfw , 17+ , mdni , afab reader , your pedris friend ,, but also a popular singer. since you were both popular youngsters , you were invited by barca for a youtube video with pedri , things go well , the outcome was better then expected ;) pedri is so whipped here ladies, enjoy.

a/n : atp , i cant find pwp and iiii HATE pwp. but enjoy this ig. ALSOO I CANT DRITY TALK IN SPANISH ITS HARD TO TRANSLATE. - silva

camp nou was so pretty, but the only thing you wanted to see was that sexy spainard. you admired his body alot .. i mean who wouldnt? he was taller then you , nice and bulit .. a dream guy. you dressed yourself in the cutest pink mini skirt and white corset, white tights and pink shoes . you arrived at the studio and smile at the sight of pedri, he was wearing all blue in his barca clothes . but there was no time for small talk ,, as the crew was in a rush . you both look at each other and laugh , you stand next to him and it starts rolling .

“hola youtube , hola culers , soy pedri” hello youtube hello culers , im pedri . “¡hola amores, hola culers, soy y/n!” hello loves, hello culers, I'm y/n . you waved . “hoy estaremos adivinando la canción, con nuestra adivina especial ..¡ y/n ! podría decir que te ves muy linda” today we'll be guessing the song , with a our special guess miss y/n! might i say you are looking very pretty . pedri complements your outfits . you blushed at the remark. he was pulling the first move. “me halagas pedrito, te ves bastante guapo también ...” you flatter me pedrito , you look quite handsome as well .. you giggle.

but the wait was over for the intro and they gave you both your first song. the first one to guess had to press a button . 1 point if your right, and none if you didnt get it right. the first song was something english so you had a bit of an advantage. since pedri listened to more reggaton then english . it was a popular song so you got it right. “smooth operator sade!” you click the button , and the point was given to you . you danced to the song a little as it was still playing. “eso no es justo. ¡apenas escucho música en inglés!” thats unfair. i barely listen to english music ! . pedri yelled to the staff. “hes so stupid, when will he learn that theres english music playing in the stadium ..” you mumbled in english as the staff , the whole studio was laughing . “¿qué dijo ella?” what did she say? pedri said looking all confused. you did nothing but just laugh ..

you were now at 2 - 2 . theres been too much sexual tension between you two.. anyway , the fourth song played and you both guessed it right. you both click the button at the same time. you sang the song together, it was chantaje by shakira. you both danced together, which was probably the thing that turned pedri on the most. the way you singing to HIM and dancing with HIM made him even more turned on. the last round made him win , you sighed as you lost. “¡es todo por hoy! gracias a spotify y a barcelona por tenerme aquí, bye bye!” thats it for today! thank you to spotify and barcel for having me here , thats all byebye! . you smiled as the camera stopped filming. you took a picture for the thumbnail, his hand on your waist . as the cameras turned off you take it as a chance to whisper something to pedri. “pedrito, los baños abiertos” pedrito , the bathrooms are open . you smirked “me lees la mente, cariño” you read my mind , sweetheart .

pedri pinned you to the wall . he’d has just finished eating you out. “that pussy.. it does something to me.” he laughed . wiping his mouth with his arm. “please pedri.. just.. fuck me—!” you were cut off a kiss from pedri. it was a steamy hot kiss . he was all sweaty and hot,, his chest being naked and him groaning in your ears. you removed his boxers. “impatient whore” he mumbled. you jumped at the way he shoved his long veiny cock inside you. “it— it wont fit!” you yelled “you shouldve said that before taking it out, cariño.”gripping your waists as pedri starts to move. his thrusts were like heavan , moving in all the places you wanted . you put your hand over your mouth to not moan too loud. “too much!” you cried , as pedris thrusts got faster. “ ‘m gonna fill you up so well.” pedri whispered. you were crying because of how good he was fucking you . “c-cumming..” you said . you felt the not in your stomach, reaching your climax. he filled you up with his liquid. you eveb cleaned him up. you couldnt feel your legs.. you were groaning . “fuck,, i love you” pedri kissed your forehead. “hm, i love you too pedrito” you giggled.

© lec8rcs . do not, plagarize, copy, or translate any of my works .

[nodawnesperia]

Character Profile: Eironn

Onward we go with the Wilder twinks. I'm switching up the personality and backstory parts and I'll try to write an actual backstory instead of just summarizing my ideas. TW for mention/discussion of sexual assault and torture, implied including before Eironn came of age, mind-altering magic, child soldiers/assassins

Name: Eironn

Age at the time of the Barred Gate breaking: 10

Current age: 25

Affiliation: Wilders, member of The Thorned Vengeance

Appearance: Eironn's once beautiful long hair has been cut short and slicked back. In fact, Eironn puts great effort into keeping it from touching the rest of his body as much as possible. He wears darker green hues of clothes to better fit his more stealthy approach to fighting, and a black undersuit covers most of his body up to his face. Having never obtained elemental swords, he is instead skilled with a variety of bladed weapons, crossbows, and light hammers. But he finishes most kills with a black blade with Hypogean runes on it. His antlers have also undergone a change – or rather, Eironn himself put them through one. He keeps them chiseled down to stumps to allow him freer movement.

Personality: Eironn has always been kind of cold and pragmatic and just a bit closed off but these days, he keeps everyone at arm's length, literally. He is quiet and reserved, only talking a bit more when scolding his mission partner if they make a mistake. Some say he's too haunted by the ghosts of his past and the horrors he witnessed to want to get attached anymore. He often does missions with Lyca or Eorin who seem to be the only two he somewhat lets in, but even they can't often get a good read on him. However, his steadfast presence and ability to always keep a cool head make him invaluable to the Thorned Vengeance.

Backstory: As Eironn cut down the last of the small scouting group of Hypogeans, he glanced back at his partner. Lyca was already making her way through the woods, her steps muffled by the thick moss underfoot. She looked concerned as she watched his blade drink up the blood spilling from the corpses but knew better than to say anything. It was too bad their other mission partner couldn't read the room. "What's that blade..?" The young scout asked, earning a scowl from both of her seniors. They all went silent for a quick moment, listening for movement in the forest around them. Once they were sure they were safe, the girl asked again, this time in a whisper. "Master Eironn... where did you get that?" But Eironn only scoffed, making his way around her and slinking into the shadows. Lyca watched after him with solemn worry in her eyes for a moment before turning to the young scout. "There are things in this forest," she spoke, weighing every word on her tongue before letting it out into the crisp early morning air, "that you don't ask about. Eironn's blade is one of them." The scout nodded in understanding before making her way after Eironn. Lyca couldn't help but sigh. From time to time, she would have nightmares. Nightmares where that blade ensnared Eironn and turned him against them. Nightmares where it was her blood being sucked into those glowing runes. She shook her head. Nothing like that was going to happen. She remembered the day they found Eironn. After he, Kaz, and Ira were sent on a mission together and disappeared, everyone assumed they were dead. It wasn't until years later, when Lyca's squad intercepted a Hypogean caravan transporting prisoners, that they found out otherwise. She could still picture that day clearly. Eironn's trembling, battered body, his matted dirty hair, how he clung to that dagger with hatred in his eyes. He was the only one in the wagon, not even tied up or restrained, just lying on the floor and covered by a heavy blanket. It was worse when they removed it. He had bruises all over, his wrists rubbed raw from shackles or maybe ropes, his body thin like he hadn't eaten in ages, blood caking on his chest and further down. The moment someone touched him, he writhed and cried. It didn't matter how light the touch was or how gentle they tried to be. Every contact sent him into a violent fit. Lyca could clearly see a seal over his stomach and another one on his throat. She made the call to leave him in the wagon and transport it over to the edge of the forest. There, they called the oak sage Arden to help them. Lyca didn't know what exactly Arden did with Eironn. The next time she saw him, he was covered head to toe in a skin-tight black undersuit that only further emphasized his malnourished figure. They didn't exactly have food to spare at the camp but Lyca did what she could to share her meals with him. She noticed how he jerked away from anyone who would try to touch him. She caught him drinking a strange concoction a few times. She saw him staring at the dagger for hours as if trying to make peace with what happened. She only asked about Kaz and Ira once. And when he looked away instead of answering her, she took that to mean they were dead. If they were lucky, they likely would be. - Lyca shook her head to clear her mind of the unpleasant memories. She hurried after her two partners. The daybreak was upon them and they had to be far away before the next group of Hypogeans came to check out what happened to their first squad. Messages traveled uncannily fast to the Hypogean camp as if carried by the wind. But as Lyca caught up with Eironn, she caught a small nod of his head in her direction. It was his way of saying thank you for stepping in earlier. She nodded back. They disappeared into the forest, quiet, careful, untraceable. That was the only way to survive anymore.

[givemea-dam-break]

Hey hope your having a lovely day or night I was wondering if you would write something for Lucy as I haven't seen alot for her as the other boys.

Maybe when Lucy first arrives instead of the article room being just hers she as to share it with the reader who's been friends with the boys for a while and Lucy is shocked that the reader works withe the boys or something and their is that immediate spark between them.

Anyway even if it's just a Lucy idea you have had that would be amazing as well and if u don't mind tagging me that would be amazing <33

a/n: i would be more than happy to write this! i adore lucy and she holds a special place in my heart (partly because my dad is northern English too and i love their accents) so i hope you enjoy! I'm sorry this has taken so long to come out, i just kept getting stuck in places about what to write haha

warnings: mild language female reader (few pronouns used)

"I'm sorry about the boys. Their test was genuine, but they're like schoolboys and like poking fun."

"It's fine," Lucy Carlyle, Lockwood and Co's new hire, says, but her tone indicates that she's still a little pissed off about it. You can't blame her, you'd been pissed when they did it, too. "How can you work with them? Are they always like that?"

You shrug, fluffing the freshly changed pillows on Lucy's bed. "I've known George since we were kids - don't mistake that for friends, we only knew of each other - and Lockwood... well, he's Lockwood, and you just learn to expect the wildest things from him. I've kind of just learned to either drown out the stupid things they're saying, or I have to be the one to knock some sense into them, especially Lockwood. You'll get used to them."

Lucy places her bags down, brushing her hands over her coat in a nervous gesture. "How long have you been working with them?"

"Only as long as it's been registered, so three months," you say. "George found me just after Lockwood started the company, something about needing someone with good Touch, so you're the perfect fit for the last Talent. And, god, it'll be good to finally have another girl in the house." You walk over to the wardrobe, flinging the doors open. "Okay, so this half of the wardrobe is mine, and this half is yours. I did ask Lockwood if we'd be able to get another, but he's stingy. Luckily for you, most of my clothes stay folded on the floor by my bed, so feel free to use as many hangers as you want -"

"What's in that room downstairs?" Lucy asks, looking over at the bedroom door. "The one on the landing?"

You hesitate. "I don't know. Neither does George. We just know that it's off-limits, and Lockwood gets antsy when the topic even gets brought up. If I were you, I'd steer clear of that conversation for now."

"Right." Lucy sits on her bed, expression tired and confused. "Sorry, this is all just a lot to take in..."

"That's alright. Want me to give you some space for a while? I've got to make a start on dinner soon, anyways. It's my day to cook."

Lucy looks up at you, and something in her eyes pins you to the spot. They're a light brown, glimmering golden in the lamplight of the room, and her hair curls loosely around her face, barely sweeping her shoulders. But those eyes...

"Could you stay?" she asks softly. "Maybe, um, maybe we could get to know each other?"

Grinning, you sit on the bed beside her, giving her enough space to make sure she's comfortable. "Well, it would be a good start if we're going to be sharing a room for the foreseeable future. What do you want to know?"

She eases up a little, relaxing. "Did you say your Talent was Touch? Lockwood never mentioned in the interview."

"Yeah," you say. "I know your Touch helps you hear things, but it helps me see, I suppose you could say. Takes me back to the time of death, or whatever it's linked to. My Listening is alright, and my Sight is a little better."

"I've never really heard of that before. That sounds... cool."

You shrug. "I suppose, unless I'm watching someone being murdered, or something. Usually, it isn't too bad. Lately, my Sight has been needed more than anything."

"Have you got any cases coming up?" Lucy's voice sounds a little more confident now. "With the tests, you guys are well aware that I'm good enough to work here, but I've never seen you guys in action, or heard about it."

"We do, actually," you say. "Tomorrow. Some old lady's husband died not long ago, took a tumble down the stairs, and now is possibly haunting her house. We're going to go and check it out, hopefully find the source and get out unharmed. I'm sure Lockwood will let you tag along. It seems like a simple enough job."

--

Funny. It is not a simple job.

It goes terribly wrong from the get-go, actually.

First problem: George is late, and nothing you can say to Lockwood convinces him to hold off a little bit to give George time to get there. So, essentially, you're going in blind.

Second problem: judging from the fact that Mrs Hope, the owner of the house, says that she's the only one with a key to the house, the human-like shape you saw moving inside is most certainly a ghost. At not even six o'clock, no ghost should really be active.

Third problem: well, to put it simply, Mr Hope is not the ghost haunting the house. No, that would be too easy, right?

Standing on the landing of the second floor, rapier drawn, you stare up at the ghost of a young woman. Faintly, you can hear her voice shouting out to you, but Listening isn't your strength. She's a creepy one, you'll give her that, just hovering in the air a few feet away, dress and hair blowing as if she's caught in a breeze.

"Luce," you say. "What's she saying?"

Lucy watches the ghost cautiously. "Let me go. But... Something feels different. It's like I can feel what she feels."

"She's a ghost," Lockwood says. "She can't feel anything."

"This is different. This -"

With a horrible screech, the ghost launches herself at Lucy, who stumbles backwards into the stair bannister. In unison, you and Lockwood slash through the Visitor with your rapiers, holding her back as a loud crack! sounds behind you.

"(name)!" Lucy cries. "Help!"

Glancing behind you, your heart almost stops. Lucy has broken through the bannister, and the only reason she hasn't fallen and broken all of her bones is that her boot is stuck in one of the gaps, and she's grasped onto a painting on the wall. Even within a second, her grip is slipping.

Lockwood throws a salt bomb, drawing the ghost away as your reach over, careful not to fall down the gap yourself, and grab Lucy's hand, pulling her back up.

"You okay?" you ask, still holding onto her. "No ghost touch?"

She shakes her head, mumbling, "No. I'm okay."

Something in your chest eases at that. The case is nowhere near over, but she's okay for now, and you find that's all that matters to you.

[kiss-my-freckle]

Full Episode Commentary

1x15: A Few Good Men

This post is long and anti-Stefan.

I laugh at the title because Damon is written as the "bad" brother. At this point, he could collapse into rubble having found out Katherine was never in the tomb. She was out in the world all this time, but never once bothered to see him.

So... a bachelor is a man that's never been married. While it's weird for them to include Alaric, they wrote them to be short on men for their fundraiser, and did it for the sake of putting Alaric on stage with Damon. imo, it's of no coincidence that Caroline makes reference to The Bachelor in 3x20.

I love the way Harper apologizes before kllling an innocent. As a person, I consider him their greatest tomb vampire. His daylight ring is a purple gem, magnificent. A great color for supernatural beings, especially witches. It symbolizes power and mystery. Harper takes the man's clothes to fit in rather than stand out. It's an era thing. His cell phone starts to ring, but Harper has no idea what it is or what it does, so he tosses it on the ground. Elena is leaving Bonnie a voicemail. She misses her, but understands she's mourning her grams. She tells Jenna she's been writing in her diary. Sometimes I wonder what things she might've written about Damon. Is it weird to wanna know what and how much of Damon is in her diary? Elena asks Jenna if she dug into her adoption. She's been wanting answers about her biological parents. Jenna introduces her to her mother, Isobel. A cheerleader in high school like Elena. Is it a surprise that Elena becomes a vampire like her mother? The closest connection Jenna could find for Isobel was her cheerleader friend, Trudie. She gives Elena her address, then informs her that Alaric's dead wife might be her mother. "There's something else. Mr. Saltzman… Ric. His wife was from around here, and her name was also Isobel." That's a lot for Elena to take in, so she needs to talk about it asap.

When she tells Stefan about it, he has all reason to worry. Alaric already informed him in 1x13 that Damon killed his wife, so if they're the same person, then Damon killed Elena's mother and Stefan knows it. He immediately tries to control the situation, first trying to find out what Jenna told Elena about the death of Alaric's wife. Whenever Stefan questions people like this, it's always to see how much they know before he tells them things he doesn't have to. This allows him to continue keeping secrets he wouldn't tell otherwise. People tend to pay when Stefan keeps secrets, and it's a constant thing with him. Not just his secrecy, but his need to control the situation. He doesn't even bother to wait for Elena to invite him along to meet with Isobel's friend. He invites himself, that's how controlling he is. "Now, listen, if you do decide to go talk to Isobel's friend, I'll go with you. Okay?"

"He's dealing in his own way." They start talking about Damon, who is fang-deep in his mourning process. Their chosen soundtrack is perfect for the scene and I love the lighting. Thighs, wrists, neck… Damon is enjoying the taste of four Tri-Delts aka sorority girls. "No! Buzzkill Bob." I consider this a Trevor parallel. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? I spent the last 145 years with one goal: get in that tomb." Only having one goal in life may not seem like a big deal, but I consider it an impairment. It would cause tunnel vision, to the extent that Damon would obsess, fixate until he completes this goal. With one goal, I consider him a metaphoric tomb vampire, and his world would look very much ike the tomb. To put it bluntly, getting in and getting out looks the same. That's why Damon needed the tomb open. It's not about what he does or doesn't deserve, it's about his livelihood.

Better for him to have several goals so his world isn't narrow, empty, and miserable with every goal failure. "I succeeded. Granted, Katherine wasn't in there to be rescued, but why dwell?" Damon shrugs off his pain like it's no big deal. "You know, it's so liberating not having a master plan because I can do whatever the hell I want." This line is specific in the fact that he's done with necklaces and grimoirs and strategies to open the tomb because it's open. He now has the freedom to do whatever he wants. A heartbreaking freedom for him, but freedom nonetheless. Important in the fact that this freedom is the reason he's able to fall in love with Elena. The tomb door is symbolically linked to their dance soundtrack in 1x19. That's when Damon falls in love with Elena.

This is where the brothers differ in heartbreak. Damon outwardly tells Stefan he might as well spill because he knows Stefan isn't there to help him through the pain. Yet in 4x7, that's what Damon wants to do for Stefan after his breakup with Elena. He makes a direct reference back to this episode. "Or we could just blow it off and go get drunk. Brother bond over some Tri-Delts. If you, you know, want some quality time." And of course, you can't forget Stefan's response to that. "Let's not pretend like this isn't the best day of your life." This is all part of their Stelena - Datherine parallel.

Instead, Stefan ignores Damon's pain and acts like this is a good time to question him about Isobel - as if he's blind to the fact that Damon is mourning. The very first scene I wanted to scream at a character. Stefan is being selfish and controlling. "There was a woman you may have known a few years back named Isobel in North Carolina at Duke." Damon's like… wow, I can't believe you went there. Stefan's questioning him about a woman from his past while he's mourning a woman from his past. "You wanna discuss the women in my past right now? Seriously?" Just as he was with Elena, Stefan immediately tries to control the situation while being secretive. This moment here would've been the best time for Stefan to come out with it. ALL of it. Like hey… Isobel was Alaric's wife and is possibly Elena's mother, and you killed her. Rather than actually tell him WHY it's important, he simply tells him to think hard because it's important. Stefan is setting Damon up to hurt Alaric and Elena with this cagey crap. "Nothing is important, not anymore." For 145 years, it was important for Damon to open the tomb to rescue Katherine. Nothing is important anymore, now he's mourning. "I have to go and exploit some women in the name of grief, which I'm sure you understand." It's not a shock they cut scene this way. Damon is exploiting some women in the name of grief, and here they are… introducing Matt's mother lol. She walks in on Matt and Caroline while they're getting ready to have sex. I'll be referring to this scene in my 1x16 re-watch post.

Alaric talks to Jenna about being one of their bachelors for the fundraiser. They kiss whie hanging up a bannr for the event. Jenna interrupts for the sake of telling him about Elena's mother. According to Ric, Isobel never had a baby. Poor Ric, blind to the realities of his wife. When Jenna shows him the photo of Elena's mother, he realizes it's his dead wife. Like Elena, that's a lot for him to take in, so he leaves. It's made clear that Trudie knows vampires exist. She watches Elena cross the threshold despite not inviting her in. I'm not sure if she tested her for self-preservation or if it was Isobel's desire to know. Trudie texts Isobel to let her know about Elena.

Matt's mother has been gone for months, and tells him she's never in one place too long. While she's gone for those months, Matt is having to work to pay the bills for the sake of having a home. I hate how a lot of these parents treat other kids. Carol treated Vicki like trash. Matt's mother is speaking of Caroline like trash. I can understand wanting the best for your kid, but wow. Even the ice thing is wow. She has Matt waiting on her because she's basically a guest in his home. When they start talking about Vicki, she speaks as if Vicki takes after her. "Are you trying to say I need a reason to come back?" She hasn't been home for months and he's the one that's been taking care of the house, so I'd say so. I don't know any parent that blows in and out of their kids' lives like this, but I consider it altogether insane.

Stefan meets with Alaric. This is when the issue with Isobel starts to thicken. Stefan hands him another three-in-one, which makes this a total of six warnings about Damon. Alaric thickens the issue by pressing the issue. The Damon vs Alaric in this episode is all about time. Alaric had time to mourn his wife. Granted, he's been looking for her killer, but he's had enough time to mourn Isobel that he's now building a relationship with Jenna. Damon just had his heart ripped out by Katherine. "Just" being the key word. Alaric has been looking for Isobel's killer for a few years now, but acts like time is an issue with finding his wife's killer. He already found her killer, so no, I don't see any reason why Alaric can't wait to get answers next week or next month when he's got her killer in his sights. Yeah, I get that he wants answers and he wants justice, but I'm sure he wants to stay alive too, and Stefan just warned him - again. Give Damon time, period.

But the problem isn't just Alaric pressing the issue. It's Stefan. He won't even offer him a vague explanation as to why Damon needs time. That's why Alaric's comment to Stefan in this scene is everything. "I need to know what happened. I think you would, too." He's basically telling Stefan that if it were Elena, he'd be the same way, so it's a line that needs to be directed at Damon. There Stefan is, refusing to offer Alaric insight into Damon's mindset. If Alaric knew that Damon "just" had his heart ripped out after waiting 145 years to rescue Katherine, that Damon himself needed similar answers about why Katherine wasn't in the tomb, he wouldn't be so hard-pressed to get answers. He'd know and understand how unstable Damon is, and give him time to work through that. Stefan is now trying to control the situation while being secretive with all three… Damon, Elena, and Alaric. Like cars, they're gonna collide. Alaric hands Stefan a photo of Isobel for the sake of jogging Damon's memory. Thing is, he remembers Isobel quite well. Damon simply wants to mourn.

They show more flashbacks of Alaric and Isobel. She's starting to pull away from him, that's how consumed she is with her work. Trudie pushes Elena to try the tea because she dosed it with vervain. She already knows Elena isn't a vampire because she crossed the threshold without an invite. This has me wondering why she felt the need to dose her because this would act as a basic one-time dose. Elena immediately tastes the vervain. When she starts questioning her knowledge of vampires, Trudie insists she leave. Honestly, these scenes between Elena and Trudie come off a lot like Enzo's scenes with Sara. She sees one of Isobel's men outside of Trudie's house and drives off.

This is where Alaric has me wanting to scream at him. Stefan just got done telling him that Damon isn't stable right now. "Unstable" is a broad term, but Alaric doesn't consider this. "You know, he murdered my wife, or at the very least made a meal out of her. When has he been stable?" For Damon, this is humanity-driven instability, and it's this type of instability that makes him dangerous af. He just had his heart ripped out by Katherine. "Damon is not stable right now." Stefan made it clear with his usage of "right now" that Damon can be stable, he's just not stable right now. He'll be more stable later, best to get his answers later.

Alaric assumes Damon doesn't get depressed, which is an asinine assumption to make. That's when Damon hits him with it. "You say that like you know me." Alaric claims it's just a hunch, but it's an assumption. He knows nothing about a vampire's humanity or their humanity switch. imo, he should've done more research on vampires before approaching Damon, never mind the fact that he's ignoring all six of Stefan's warnings. This is the moment Damon realizes he didn't compel Alaric in 1x12. He's being shady, and Damon knows it.

Liz pops in and makes a reference to Damon being a daydrinker. She's about to ask him for a favor when he slams her with his truth. "You ever been in love? Have you ever been so bent on someone just to have your heart ripped out by them?" That's what he's feeling. Liz reminds him of Bill. "Right. Gay husband." Damon buys her a drink so they can mourn together lol. I love Liz, but why ask Damon to be a bachelor now? I mean, he's daydrunk and mourning a lost love. How does she think he's gonna act by the time he hits that fundraiser? Literally everyone in this episode is refusing Damon the ability to mourn. "You know, a room full of women clamoring to win a date with me. Sounds tasty." I can't stop laughing at Damon's comment. Tasty has an alternate meaning. He's gonna get a date to feed on like he did the Tri-Delts. "I have to go and exploit some women in the name of grief, which I'm sure you understand." Damon is ready for round two with thighs, wrists, and neck lol. Damon feels the need to investigate Alaric. Distraction is how he deals with loss. When Katherine rips his heart out in season 2, he investigates the Lockwoods. When Elena chooses Stefan in 3x22, he investigates Connor. Because he knows he didn't compel Alaric, he at least knows Alaric is on vervain. It's not just about the investigation for Damon, it's about the fight he believes is inevitable, and mourning is a great time to pick a fight.

It's at this point that a member of their vampire-killing founders council is working for a vampire. That the very sheriff of Mystic Falls is working for Damon lol. Liz is about to dig up some info on Alaric for Damon. Forget about Damon offering his help, Liz is now offering hers.

Isobel's man rings Trudie's doorbell and thanks her for the text. She's terrified, and given what she says at the end of this scene, it's because she believes he's a vampire. An easy assumption because Isobel is a vampire. "I didn't tell her anything. I - I kept my promise." I didn't know he'd kill Trudie, so this scene surprised me lol. This guy isn't a vampire. I don't even think he's a witch. I think he's a human like Isobel's other human pets. Harper is walking around town, seeing how much the world changed in 145 years. Talk about shock. He catches sight of another tomb vampire, which I think is Frederick's girlfriend. I don't remember ever seeing them kiss, so idk. Harper avoids her as if he doesn't like her.

"I have to go and exploit some women in the name of grief, which I'm sure you understand." I wanted to gif this entire scene while jumping off Damon's initial comment. Click to view them larger if you want. "Exploit" means to make use of, which can be good or bad. It depends on the exploitation. Whenever Damon is in scene with Elena, expect it to be humanity-driven. He shifts while getting dressed for the fundraiser, differentiating Elena and the Tri-Delts.

"Better. Me." Damon pre-Katherine is the better man, that's why I feel he can get away with comments like this. Sweet, politce, innocent, earnest to a fault. This is how Stefan and Katherine describe 1864 Damon. "Dashing? Gorgeous? Irresistible?" Damon is fishing for compliments and offering her options. He does this while closing the distance between them. Damon is the type of person that won't talk to you from across the room when he can stand right in front of you. He hovers over her because he's mourning Katherine. She doesn't push him away, she simply pulls herself out of the way. Even though Damon knows and accepts she's not Katherine, she's Katherine's doppelganger. This is where his comment in 1x3 belongs. "She was beautiful. A lot like you in that department." He hasn't fallen for Elena yet, but he's attracted to her for that reason. Elena won't give him the kind of compliment he wants. Like he did with Stefan, Damon is shrugging off his pain like it's no big deal. He self-medicates with alcohol rather than talks to someone about how he feels. I can tell by his speech that he's just as drunk in this scene as he is in 2x1. Have a Miley Cyrus moment...

Elena: Wrecked. You look wrecked. Damon: No reason why. ♪ I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard in love All I wanted was to break your walls All you ever did was wreck me ♪

Damon tells her he's one of Mystic Falls' most eligible bachelors. She's surprised by this because he's mourning Katherine and about to get a bachelor date. Again, the difference between Alaric and Damon is time. This fundraiser is natural for Alaric because he's had time to mourn Isobel, to the extent that he's building a relationship with Jenna. For Damon, the fundraiser is just a distraction from the pain.

"Never better. Yep." He lies about how he's doing. Like Stefan's bloodlust, Damon's humanity is written like addiction. The first step is admitting his feelings, and he's not ready for that. "What can I do for you? I'm a barrel of favors today. It's my newfound purpose - how can I help people?" Damon should be pissing and moaning. I wouldn't blame him if he did, he simply doesn't. He's being honest in his feeling that it's his newfound purpose to help people.

Everyone should be helping Damon during his mourning process, but they're not. He's helping them. That's why I'm altogether bothered by everyone in this episode. Stefan knows he's unstable right now because of Katherine and is doing absolutely nothing to help him through it. He'd rather ask for Damon's help than help him, and this is despite him knowing for fact that Damon is lying and needs his help.

The helper wants help, that's what this Delena scene is about. There's… something about dressing someone that's just as sexy as undressing them, so even though they just solidified their relationship, this scene is sexy. Technically, Damon is exploiting her caring nature, and doing it to fufill an emotional need. He wants to be cared for like their hug in 1x14, to feel cared for because Katherine knew where he was and she didn't care. The best way for him to be cared for, is to pretend he's too drunk to button his own shirt. He has no doubt she'll help him because she's a caring person. Note how Damon doesn't hug her back in 1x14. He's the same way in this scene. It's all her, and it's intimate.

Elena's heart has to be viewed in two ways to see their love triangle throughout the show. Physically, it pumps blood filled with oxygen and nutrients to all parts of her body... and it can easily stop beating. It's also an emotional organ that feels everything, can fall and un-fall... and it's just as breakable. Stefan consumes her blood, Damon consumes her emotion. In this scene, he's feeding on her care rather than her blood like he did with the Tri-Delts. That's how Damon "consumes" Elena. Damon pretending he can't button his own shirt just to get her to help him is no different than Stefan pretending he's human just to get her to date him. This is their slow burn ship in action. Like I said, this scene is about the helper wanting help. Wanting help and outright asking Elena for it.

Damon: What can I do for you? I'm a barrel of favors today. It's my newfound purpose - how can I help people? Damon: Help a guy out, will you? Can't get this.

Elena tries to talk to Damon about her biological mother. "Eccch. Who cares?" She's offended by his response because she takes it the wrong way. Because he realizes she took it the wrong way, he feels the need to extend it. Who cares because she left you. Who cares because she sucks.

This is Damon hiding his care for Elena in Stefan's care for Elena… "Stefan will come after you, you know that. For messing with Elena." This is Damon expressing his Katherine-abandonment through Elena's Isobel-abandonment… "She left you. She sucks."

Elena is checking out Damon through this entire scene, and it's kinda hard not to. When she enters the room, he's walking around without a shirt and his pants are lowered for full view of his love handles and yum-yum trail. That's such an old term, but yeah… I think it'd be weird if she didn't check him out. Her eyes are drawn to his lips as he talks to her. That's when Stefan walks in and throws her off-guard. She didn't expect to be caught in this position, so intimate with Damon. "Uhh. I need a bigger jacket. Wow. You know, an occasional sorority girl might, um... you know, help fill you out a little bit." He tells Stefan that if he fed on Tri-Delts, he'd need a bigger jacket too. This is the comment Elena takes offense to, the reason she tells Stefan, "Maybe this heartache will be good for him. It'll remind him that he has one, even if it doesn't beat." She's offended by Damon's feeding on humans and making light of it. His humanity is only for her. Because Stefan entered the room, his humanity is gone.

Because Damon likes being honest, he purposefully shows Elena that he had no problem buttoning his shirt. That's why she looks at him the way she does. He conned her into helping him. Stefan is upset over the fact that Elena went to meet Trudie by herself. He's so controlling that he acts like Elena needs a babysitter. He hands her the photo Alaric gave him and confirms for her that her mother is Alaric's wife. This would've been the best time for Stefan to come out with it. ALL of it. Like hey… I have to question Damon about your mother because he was caught feeding on her and they never found her body. Instead, he continues being secretive in an attempt to control the situation. "Listen, Elena, there's a lot about Isobel that Alaric can tell you, but I need you to hold off a little while before you talk to him." Rather than tell her the truth about Damon, he demands she hold off on talking to Alaric. They then do an intentional scene cut. While Stefan demands Elena hold off on talking to Alaric, Jenna suggests Alaric talk to Elena. This is where Alaric contradicts his earlier statement. He feels it's not a good idea to inform Elena about her mother. So not only is Stefan keeping this secret from her, Alaric is as well. "Where'd our girlfriend go?" It's easy to skew things with Damon, but I prefer not to. His comment isn't romantic context, but friendship context. While an honest and innocent comment, feeds their slow burn ship.

He didn't need a reminder, but look at his response here lol. Damon is drawn to all three (Katherine, Isobel, Elena) because of their Petrova fire. This is "Moth Damon" with "Petrova Fire" in 6x22 context...

♪ I'm on fire like a thousand suns I couldn't put it out even if I wanted to ♪

♪ These flames tonight Look into my eyes and say you want me, too Like I want you ♪

That's why Damon refers to the "ecitement" in Isobel's eyes. He has no idea he's drawn to flame, he just knows he's drawn to the excitement of it. I can't say the same of Stefan because I don't know if he's like Damon that way. John didn't send Isobel to him, he sent her to Damon specifically. While it is possible Stefan would've slept with Isobel, he wouldn't turn her into a vampire because he hates vampires.

So anyway… Stefan is being secretive and further tries to control the situation. Like the first time he questioned Damon, this moment here would've been the best time for Stefan to come out with it. ALL of it. Like hey… Isobel was Alaric's wife and Elena's mother and they never found her body. Did you kill her, turn her, or let her go? Rather than tell Damon that Alaric and Elena not only deserve to know, but need to know, Stefan tells him that he himself wants to know. Because Damon isn't stupid, he asks Stefan "who else" wants to know. Rather than answer him honestly, Stefan opts to ask Damon if he killed her. Because Stefan refuses to answer him honestly, Damon responds in kind. "Sorry. Don't know her." With dishonesty.

Matt's mother shows up to the fundraiser. "He found his rebound girl." Some of these parents are straight-up nasty, istg. It's one thing to not like someone your child is dating, another to be a child about it. In her desire to hate on Caroline, she's painting her son in a harsh light. If Caroline is his rebound girl, then Matt is using her to recover from losing Elena. Alaric walks away when Elena tries to talk to him about Isobel. I honestly can't be sure about him. Is he refusing to talk to Elena because Stefan told him to leave her out of this? tbh, Alaric doesn't seem like the type that would avoid her simply because Stefan demanded it.

Damon is flirting with Carol. She has no idea what he's selling her, that's how fantastic he is with alternate meanings. "I've got the big date planned. It's a romantic dinner, secluded spot - somewhere woodsy." Damon plans to eat and he wants Carol to rig the pot lol. "You know, a room full of women clamoring to win a date with me. Sounds tasty."

Liz interrupts his flirtation with her folder on Alaric. It's easy to understand his mindset at this point. Damon realizes that Alaric knows about vampires and has been investigating him. Specifically, investigating his involvement with Isobel's disapperance and presumed death. From his perspective, Alaric turned to Stefan to get answers about his wife. So Stefan is asking him questions that Alaric should be man enough to ask Damon himself. What could've been an appropriate conversation between two adults becomes a car collision. He's not gonna hand Stefan the answers Alaric wants, he's gonna hand them directly to Alaric. Damon basically views Alaric as a scared little bitch that's hiding behind Stefan, so he's gonna be a dick about it. Similarly, what could've been an appropriate conversation between two adults becomes a car collision. I'm talking about Delena. Damon has no idea Isobel is Elena's mother, and Elena has no idea about Damon's involvement with her mother. Because of Stefan's secrecy and need to control the situation, Damon is about to reveal his involvement with Elena's mother, be a dick about his involvement, and do it in such a public way. This is your triple collision.

The writers wanted Alaric on stage with Damon because the intimate distance has a greater impact. Shoving the truth in Alaric's face while in his face… because Damon likes things up close and personal.

Carol: Do you have any hobbies, like to travel? Damon: Oh, yeah. L.A., New York. Couple of years ago, I was in North Carolina. Near the Duke campus, actually. I think - I think Alaric went to school there. Didn't you, Ric? Yeah, 'cause I - I know your wife did. I had a drink with her once. She was - she was a great girl. I ever tell you that? Cause she was - Delicious. Mmm! Mmm mmm mmm.

This entire scene jumps back to their first convo in 1x12.

Alaric: You, uh - you live here your whole life? Damon: On and off. Travel a bit. Alaric: Really? Where? Around the states? Heh. I'm sorry. I'm nosy. I… I don't mean to pry. Look, it was nice meeting you.

Talk about alternate meanings. Jenna has no idea why Elena is upset because she has no idea vampires exist. Elena rushes out and Stefan follows. I view things differently than Elena does. I want to know why she's protecting Stefan. She just got done flipping her car because he was lying to her and keeping secrets, and here he is with the same crap. Rather than confront him about his lies like she did Katherine, she's focused solely on what Damon did to Isobel because she's her mother. It boggles my mind how Elena ignores the obvious... Stefan is not gonna stop lying to her. Anyway, this is your 1x11 parallel…

Elena: Oh, my god. Stefan. Stefan: I know. I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you. But I just - I wanted to know more. Elena: You could have told me. Stefan: I wanted to tell you.

They make it clear that Carol doesn't like Mrs. Donovan.

This is Donovan's bachelor, the plumber. Her sex with men isn't the reason I consider her trash, it's the way she treats other people. She continues being nasty with Caroline.

"Okay, just stop. Stop trying so hard. This thing you're doing, this nice thing, it's fake. Like you. Like your mom. And for some reason, Matt fell for it, but that doesn't mean that I will. I don't like you, okay? So tell plumber boy I'll be at the bar."

I can take personal insults, but it's best not to insult my mother. If I were Caroline, Donovan would have a broken nose. I hate Caroline in earlier seasons, but start to like her around season 5. That's not to say I don't like some of her scenes. I do. But there are certain things I don't like about her. When I was her age, I was the type of person that would've kicked her ass in high school. But I'm an adult and nothing like Donovan. This woman is literally trashing tf out of a young, teen girl. Better to offer Caroline advice than trash her. Donovan is character proof that being ugly on the inside makes you ugly on the outside. This right here is one "good" man...

He cares that he hurt Elena and outed his truth this way. Their run-in scene is written opposite their shirt-buttoning scene, and plays on the intimate distance they had. Thank Stefan for Damon's truth coming out the way it did. He created a collision in his desire to control the situation, that's why I consider A Few Good Men an anti-Stefan episode. Even though Damon is written as the "bad" brother, he would've handled this in a good way had he been given the truth. "Am I missing something here?" While Stefan views Damon as an ass, I view Stefan as one because he knowingly kept these truths from Damon and Elena. In her anger with Damon, Elena is completely glossing over the fact that Stefan lied to her - again. But as I often say, she's written to love Stefan blindly and recklessly. Damon can be a dick, but he's not a complete dick. He feels what he did to Elena, and he hates himself for it. Stefan and Elena are approached by Isobel's man, and we're given the basics. Isobel is like Damon, both abiding Cade's sentiment. "Never meeting her was the only way to protect her." The man's "Do you understand?" lines are specific to compulsion. As I said earlier, this guy comes off like one of Isobel's human pets. Now I have Otep on the brain.

♪ I need new voices in my head to speak my secret evils with I need new lovers in my bed to be my friends and special pets ♪

After killing Trudie and delivering his message to Elena, Isobel's man steps into traffic. A compelled self-sacrifice. It appears Isobel is a lot like Katherine in the fact that she hates loose ends, and those loose ends are human. Elena takes his cell phone, which is written opposite Harper at the open of the episode. Jenna won her bachelor date with Alaric and Carol won her bachelor date with Damon. I have no doubt these wins were rigged by Carol, and rigged as Damon suggested. He skips out on his bachelor date with Carol for two reasons. He's upset with how things transpired between him and Elena, and he questions Katherine's connection to Isobel. Alaric skips out on his bachelor date with Jenna because he's about to ignore Stefan's warnings. They pull another flashback for Isobel. "Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I want more." As I said before, they have a lot of "more" dialogues for their vampires. A compassionate person would be "more" compassionate as a vampire.

Matt brings his mother home, clearly too drunk for her plumber date. "It's Pete. He's gone, and it's all my fault. I did it. I always do it." This is why she hops up on Damon, they're rebounds for each other. She passes out on the couch. The Katherine-Isobel fake death parallel...

"You were supposed to mourn me and move on." "You were my wife and I loved you."

There are more parallels for them, but this is enough. Damon is left with the understanding that Stefan was keeping secrets from him and Elena. She didn't know about his involvement with Isobel, and he didn't know that Isobel was her mother. It's because of this, Damon feels he may have assumed things about Alaric. It's the one thing Alaric doesn't know, but should. Damon has been mourning Katherine. The whole Alaric vs Damon in this episode is time. Alaric has a planned date with Jenna because he's had time to mourn Isobel. Damon's wounds are fresh, raw and real... and his emotions are magnified because he's a vampire. Alaric doesn't know this. He assumes Damon's instability, not knowing it's his most dangerous mode. While Stefan could've been open and honest with Alaric, he chose not to be. So Alaric is walking in with the intent to kill Damon while Damon is still somewhat mourning the loss of his own wife so to speak. Because he has a new understanding, Damon offers Alaric an out. "Are you really this stupid?" Alaric refuses to take it. Damon offers him a second out. "You gonna put down the stake?" Alaric refuses to take it. He probably wouldn't be this upset if not for Damon's actions on the fundraiser stage, but this collision is written alongside Delena's. Damon was genuinely trying to remedy the situation, but because Alaric refused to put down the stake, Damon shifted to being a dick.

For the same reason I don't blame Damon for threatening to turn Elena, I don't blame him for killing Alaric. People "warn" to protect. The only difference between Damon's two assaults is the person he's defending. With Elena, he was defending Katherine. With Alaric, he was defending himself. Elena only got one warning. Watch Damon kill Alaric because he ignored Stefan's six warnings…

"If you're here for revenge, this is going to end very badly for you." "Damon can never know why you're here. He'll kill you without blinking." Alaric: I can take care of myself. Stefan: No, you can't. I can help you. If you let me. "Damon is not stable right now." "I'm telling you not to push this." "Your survival. How's that for a reason? I'll handle it, but for now, I need you to let it go."

This is the warning Stefan gave him that matters here... "No, you can't. I can help you. If you let me." It's the Gilbert ring that "helps" protect Alaric from Damon. Stefan giving Alaric the truth would've been better protection. "Ah, this is a shame. We're kindred spirits, abandoned by the women we love. Unrequited love sucks." Damon is being genuine here, and it's a shame on Stefan and Alaric. It's all parallel... In 1x13, Elena put her trust in Stefan. In 1x15, Alaric put his trust in Stefan. "Fool me once, shame on you."

This is why Damon has to break Elena's sire bond in season 4... "Unrequited love sucks." Her love has to be real or not at all. If he wanted a fake girlfriend, he'd compel himself one. Damon sits on the couch and watches Alaric die. He's not enjoying it, he's full of wonder. Elena wasn't the only reason he skipped out on his date with Carol. He believes Katherine may have sent Isobel to him… just like Lily sent Oscar to him. After all, he now knows the three of them are Petrovas.

Stefan walks in to see Alaric dead on the floor. "What happened? What did you do?" Like Damon's response to Stefan in 1x6… the real question is, "No, what did you do?" This is what happens when Stefan keeps secrets in his desire to control a situation. "Do what? He attacked me." Just as Damon fed on Vicki and her friends to survive desiccation in 1x6, he killed Alaric to survive the stake in his hand. "Like you've been handling Katherine?" Stefan is in the wrong for saying this. Seriously. He never once tried to help Damon through his mourning process, never once offered to help him "handle" Katherine. This is despite knowing Damon needed help. Instead, he selfishly spent the entire episode questioning Damon about Isobel, and now has the nerve to spit this crap out of his mouth. Unbelievable. What's just as unbelievable, is the fact that Stefan shows more concern for Alaric than he does his own brother… that's how messed up he is. With Alaric dead on the floor, you'd think Stefan learned a lesson, but no. "Stop it. You don't have to keep looking." This line is Stefan's new secret that he's keeping from Damon. "Stop looking. She doesn't want to know you. She doesn't want to talk to you. You need to stop looking."

Stefan automatically assumes Damon turned Alaric simply because he came back to life. Damon literally just got done telling him that he killed Alaric in self-defense, like what? Stefan is an absolute idiot. While yes, it doesn't make sense that Alaric is alive…. Damon isn't the only vampire in existence. It would've made more sense for Stefan to question who turned him, not automatically assume Damon did. "You must have vampire blood in your system. Somebody slipped it to you." That somebody didn't have to be Damon, but that's how Stefan is. He hates on Damon every chance he gets.

Even though Isobel chose a different life, she loved Alaric enough to protect him with a Gilbert ring before she left. Because of Isobel's man, Elena knows she's alive and attempts to talk to her on the phone. Isobel hangs up on her because as I've said before, she lives by Cade's words. She doesn't want a vampire in Elena's life, and she's a vampire. Harper shows up at Pearl's house. I'm sure some left town, but the tomb holding 26 vampires is now Pearl's house holding 26 vampires.

[atinyladybug-daydreams]

for the if they had a kid ask thingy , glass and kondraki

Ooooh one of my never thought of Rarepair!!!

Name: I'm not sure exactly what first name they would have but I think they would have a very gender neutral first name like Riley or Ash but I can also see them having a name from a classic literature or a good novel courtesy of Kondraki.

As for last names, I feel like they would take Glass as the last name, and Kondraki as a middle name. Kondraki insisted because he already has Draven and wanted Simon to have a turn this time? If that makes sense?

Gender: A girl! Can be cis or transfem but they're definitely not very feminine.

General Appearance: Very tomboy-ish and masculine clothing. I think overalls are pretty fitting. And also light up sneakers.

In terms of physical appearance, their hair are definitely curly. Like. VERY VERY curly. I also think that they look like a messy-tidy kinda person. Like, their clothes are ironed and well-coordinated and very very fitting and looks nice but there's also this kind of mess to it because they're very out and about so it's not 100% aligned.

They're also like. Pretty built. Not like big beefy but like. Definitely someone that looks like they work out and can fight.

Great posture, chipped tooth, kind eyes and hearty grin.

Personality:

I feel like they're going to be very loud and expressive. Also very, very chaotic as the Kondraki family are but in a more like, subtle way due to Glass' influence. I also think they're extremely extroverted and social which is surprising considering both Simon and Kondraki are more on the introverted spectrums.

They have a good heart and are VERY, very sympathetic towards people. Really tries their best to help people. A very headstrong and determined person which can be her downfall because it gets to the point she stops listening to other people thinking she knows best.

Special Talents:

Oh man. This kid is wayyy too talented with a blade. Whether it be a knife, dagger, switchblade, sword or even a butter knife, this kid understands and can use it really well. I mean, look at her parents.

Also has incredible cooking abilities. Kondraki is a great cook and Simon's a great baker so she ends up knowing a lot about cooking and baking, is very familiar with a lot of flavours, textures and spices. Also knows a wide variety of dishes. Honestly, she's a really good person to turn to for food feedback.

Who they like better:

Kondraki! He's the cool dad who taught her fencing and yes even though Simon does teaches her how to use knives, they still think swords are cooler so Kondraki it is!

Who they take after more:

On a surface level personality wise, you think they'd take after Glass more because of how they appear level-headed and kind but man, this kid is pure CHAOS in the Kondraki way.

Personally I think they take after Kondraki more because Kondraki is very very very present in their life (he very regrets him being emotionally unavailable to Draven so he tries his goddamned hardest with this one)

She reacts a lot like Glass, but thinks and feels a lot like Kondraki.

Personal Head canon:

I think when she grows up, she does become an agent much to Glass and Kondraki's absolute horror. Glass is horrified because he was an agent once and man was it rough being on so like he has absolutely no idea why she wants to be an agent and Kondraki is horrified because like, "Draven already gives me a heart attack every month from the shit he deals with and now you're going to add to that too".

Star and planet girly. Would've become an astrophysicist but can't stand the idea of sitting and researching inside all day. They prefer getting hands on and yes astronaut is an option but the idea of kinda sorta being that far from home makes them sad. They like visiting their parents frequently whenever they have time (and get free food while at it).

Face Claim:

Honestly the closest thing I can associate her with is Cassie from FNAF SB Ruin

[an-aura-about-you]

guess what we have all decided it's too lazy a day to go on a hike, so I'm jumping right into Handbook for Mortals Chapter 3:

when we last left our hero, Scheherazade started yelling at Mac the technical director because he made the oh so unreasonable request of asking to schedule a meeting with her to go over the mechanics of her trick so it can be safely incorporated into the show. because, y'know, no other technical director in the world would ask that. Charles comes up to end the row, takes Zade to his office, and asks her to tell him everything. the chapter ends there and we're never gonna see that meeting.

which means it's time for Chapter 3: The Hierophant

-Zade talks about how for the first time she's really out on her own as if she doesn't have baby's first job at daddy's show.

-I don't understand why her first day would be with wardrobe. seems like her measurements could have been taken during the week that the administrative slop was taken care of.

-there's a tangent about Halloween costumes and Zade mentions how she always wants her costume to both be completely recognizable and something so unique that no one else has it. do I even have to mention how not possible that is? it may not fit the letter of having your cake and eating it too but it certainly fits the spirit.

-for some reason Zade has to strip down to her underwear for her measurements. I know this is for cheesecake purposes, but I've had my measurements taken before and I was able to just. wear my clothes. I COULD see this making more sense in a Vegas show since skimpier costumes might need more precision, but there's no indication of that? besides, I would think the most important aspect of the costume for Zade's dive is that it would be a swimsuit.

-we're introduced to Zade's chatty costumer Lil and more or less get her whole backstory. however, we're not seeing Lil say it. we're just seeing Zade think it to us. and she ends up tuning Lil out as she continues to get measured. this is another part of what I was talking about before about how Zade wants people as objects and not as people. she doesn't care to listen to Lil, doesn't concern herself with any sort of professional camaraderie. you don't HAVE to be friends with your coworkers, but coworkers are one of the easiest sources of friends in one's adult life since a lot of friendship relies on proximity at the start of it. and Zade is essentially alone in Las Vegas, so making connections is actually pretty vital. but Lil only matters to Zade as far as what she can do for her, like giving Zade compliments or making Halloween and renfaire costumes for her.

-and now Zade feels awkward because she doesn't have anything to compliment Lil on in return for Lil's compliment to her. now this might just be a guess, but do you think you MIGHT have some idea of what to compliment her on if you, oh, I don't know, paid attention to her while she was talking to you?

-Zade gestures to some costumes and asks, "You make any of these?" which sounds like a risky move if you haven't been paying attention to the conversation since she very well might have mentioned that.

-and we get the first of our infamous italics breaks, sections of the book that follow a character besides Zade so they appear to be in the third person. as for why Sarem does this, my guess is that she's one of the like 17 people who read EL James's The Mister because that book does the same thing between its two main characters. however, there are sections of the italic parts in this book that this IS still from Zade's first person pov, so I'm not sure what exactly is going on.

-also the whole reason we jump to another perspective is so we can catch Mac peeping on Zade while she's in her panties. can't miss the optimal view for cheesecake.

-like. I'm no prude about this, but there are right and wrong ways to do the cheesecake and this is just engineered all wrong. let's look at a slightly better example from Lunar 2. in that one, it makes SENSE that Lucia would have to undress completely because she's wanted by Althena's Guard and her dramatic red and black outfit is too distinctive. our protagonist/her love interest Hiro does not look in on her, but pervy Ronfar finds a spot because he wants to watch. Hiro accidentally sees what's happening but only because he's trying to block Ronfar's view and falls into the room. it's obvious why the scene is here, but Hiro still retains a measure of higher ground because he didn't initiate it or willingly participate.

-I also want to take a moment to say that this scene confirms Zade is whiter than white. We will come back to that.

-(though I guess that really isn't surprising since Zade's family have been landowners in Tennessee since the 1700s. I know we're never gonna come back to that, but I'm also not gonna forget it.)

-man, we are pushing the "enemies" part of this enemies to lovers arc. you guys had exactly one spat. yeah, a Meet Ugly can be sufficient fuel for a while, but it's been a week and there hasn't been any other word of how Zade and Mac might grate on each other.

-actually if I'm gonna be talking about enemies to lovers, I'm gonna talk about how to do it well because it feels so easy to botch. now obviously writers can write whatever the hell they want and I don't have to like it. but the dynamic I personally crave with enemies to lovers is people who are equal but opposite and recognize that. they don't have to recognize it right away, but it does work best if they recognize it during the enemies stage because from there comes respect for the enemy, and that's the foundation that they're going to land on when they're inevitably pushed onto common ground. we sometimes see this sort of thing in superhero comics when they have to work together with a villain from their rogues gallery that is into crime for reasons besides hurting people. the hero in that situation knows and trusts that the villain won't do any killing because they have that moral in common even though they are otherwise on opposite sides. this sort of team-up also requires an acknowledgement, spoken or otherwise, that the hero and the villain have complementary skills that aid them in this shared goal. to me a good enemies to lovers arc should have that kind of flavor.

-oh geez I haven't even mentioned Tad yet in this. I probably should since he's Thomas Ian Nicholas's character and thus a major side character. he's Mac's best friend, and he catches Mac peeping on Zade. he's just here to do what I'm gonna guess is the same shtick his character does in American Pie. though I will give Tad this: when someone asks him why Mac's so moody, he at least leaves it at, "Don't worry about it, it has nothing to do with you." I can at least respect that. (it might be the only thing I respect about him, but hey.)

-hey we finally got the introduction to our other love interest Jackson! holy shit, the mess of who this character is is way more interesting than the character himself. let me see if I can cram in all the juicy bits. Jackson in this book is the front man for this fictional version of real life band the Plain White T's. he is also Jackson Rathbone's proxy character, the guy who played Jasper in the Twilight movies. Rathbone's here because he was in the band 100 Monkeys, which the author used to manage. I hesitate to call this cringe because I'm usually a proclaimer of "cringe is dead long live cringe," but holy shit is this supremely awkward. especially since Rathbone's gone on record saying he doesn't like Sarem too much.

-"Why can't I form sentences that actually make any sense right now?" I mean why start now?

-oof, the repetition about Jackson's guitar and Zade wondering if he's in the house band.

-Jackson is impressed that Zade knows how to play the guitar. I'm gonna put a little reminder here that Chapter 0 of this book ended with Zade listening to a Chicks song, an all women band where every member can play the guitar.

-and we're back for another installment of When Is This Story Set? Jackson has shown up to give Zade a tour of the place and she has to run back to get her phone. He quotes Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx, and our 25ish year old protagonist got the reference right away. this indicates to me that Zade is probably around my age since I also got the reference but don't know if the majority of people younger than me would because that song came out like three years after I was born. the only reason I got the reference is because the song was on one of those compilation albums that was advertised all the time when I was little. I was 25 in 2011, so this actually sort of tracks with the year we got before and the story might take place in the early 2010s.

-also I find that hilarious if Sarem is still insisting that she'll play Zade in the movie that still hasn't been made because if she IS around my age, well, I'm 38 now. the "teens" in the movie version of Grease are more convincing.

-"I had been so scared about my decision to leave home" well you did a poor job showing it because the chapter when you left home had you singing along to your radio in high spirits.

and that's what we end the chapter on, Zade being glad she decided to move to Vegas because hot boy. I'm tempted to move on to the next chapter because hoo boy is THAT going to be a shitshow, but either way I'll end this post here.

[imjustabeanie]

uhh i may have to organize this or else im gonna ramble lol-

can i have a matchup for hazbin hotel and helluva boss pls :>

pronouns: she/her

sexuality: demisexual/demiromantic

Star sign (if that helps-): Leo

Personality type: INFP

Ambivert

I use emoticons a lot as you'll see :>

Favorite colors: Purple and black especially since they work so well together

Very much a night owl :)

Personality: I'm a kind of a fun and laid back person but I do like do cause chaos every now and then. I tend to hyperfixate a lot on random things that i tend to find. At first im very quiet but can get more chaotic as time goes on. I can tend to get hot headed at times or be somewhat irrational every now and then and it takes time for me to calm down. Other times im very hyper. Also i have a slight caffeine addiction so that might be why :D

Moral alignment: true nuetral

Aesthetic: Dark academia-ish along with some glitch core because i just really like the look of both

Hobbies: I play the violin, read, write, draw, and i love listening to music a lot. Probably one of my favorite things to do honestly. I also love chilling and watching tv and binge watching stuff. I also have a habit of just analyzing shit for the fun of it because why not. I also really like learning about greek mythology and i like a few musicals. I also watch horror quite a bit and mysteries because I just think that they're fun. I'm also learning spanish as of currently-

Pet peeves: people who cant take a hint... like at all, or they take the hint and just dont care. it annoys the shit out of me. also really stuck up people who think theyre better than everyone else, like we get it youre a child who never grew up. move on. mouth noises are also just the most annoying thing ever.

Appearance: tan skin with dark brown eyes and hair. i wear glasses sometimes but dont usually because theyre not fit properly and i keep trying to get them fir but it never works so ive just given up-. honestly i mostly wear softer clothing such as sweatpants, leggings, or sweaters/sweatshirts. but sometimes i wear jeans and actually style myself although i usually just keep it casual.

Hi! Thank you for your patience I am sorry for being so slow to answer to this trade. I was very sick last week.

Without further wait...your Helluva match is...Stolas!

Stolas was a pretty obvious choice for you to be honest. Your interests and aesthetics click and just like you he’s chill but then pulls out the most chaotic actions out of nowhere.

You two met at night at one of those libraries you only see on pinterest. He honestly just came in cuz he was bored and wished to seek a recent human astronomy book. He found you peacefully reading a mythology book in the corner and was gonna leave you alone till he couldn’t help himself but comment on it. You were so laidback and easy going that you two had a nice conversation where he taught you a few things about mythology (given his age and position he does have an interest in those subjects). It was nice and you two decided to do it every month, then every two weeks and you see where it is going. Stolas just likes coming to you to cool off with no repercussions. It’s what made him fall for you. He confessed after inviting you to watch the stars or a movie he thinks you’d like (high chance you already watched it before but shhh). He confess and also tell you real quick about his marriage situation in case you want out.

Stolas is a caring and passionate lover. His love language is mostly affection and quality time but I believe he’ll wait till you’re ready if you catch my drift. He LOVES spoiling you with numerous gifts and dates. He’d be pretty upset (pouty) if he’s not your go to contact when you need help. He wants to be someone you can rely on, a safe space for you just like you are for him. His gifts range from cinema/concert tickets and your favorite snacks (he doesn’t consider any food as a gift) to actual mythological pieces and priceless violons. Sometimes they even come from his personal collection.

Stolas lives for your chaotic moments! He highly encourages them which results in weekly trouble for both of you (you’re always safe dw but he did get you two banned from a few places). When your hot headed side comes out he’s here to calm you down or get angrier on your behalf. There is no in between cuz your couple is pretty much in sinc. It means you either calm the other down or join them.

Despite his extraverted self, Stolas enjoys some home time. Especially with you. He actually purchases a house in the human world and spends most of his time there now. He wants (begs) you to move in with him. This house has a huge library, two studies, a music room and a very much needed coffee corner. Yeah with those machines you see on tiktok with all the material. Stolas isn’t a morning person at all so he needs his daily coffee and only accepts premium quality. He invested in a home cinema and loves binge watching with you. Those are all things he didn’t get to do often so discovering them with you is a priceless experience in his eyes. Horror doesn’t bother him at all and he can show you much better horror tbh. Stolas also likes analyzing things with you (he listens and chimes in) and actually keeps up with your fixations really well. His favorite thing to do at home is to stay glued to your side.

Stolas often drags you to dance with him in the music room. He is attentive to your tastes and shows you his favorite pieces too! In general he is an attentive lover who adapts to your needs without being overbearing. If you accept his flaws your relation will be…stellar.

Your hazbin match is...Husk!

I did hesitate between a few characters (mainly Vaggie) but in the end Husk won. He’s chill but knows how to have fun. And he’s loyal.

You were at the hotel when you got to know Husk. He was being his usual snarky self but after a few nights (and talks) he slowly became friendlier. He even cracked jokes with you! Music definitely got the two of you to bond. You became someone he felt at ease with. The moment Husk considered sharing some of his problems with you he knew he fell, and fell hard. He started being more attentive to your needs and lost in your voice during your conversations. Everyone knew he was in love so one night they somehow managed to leave the two alone for the night. That’s when he confessed, knowing he couldn’t hold it in any longer.

As mentioned beforehand, Husk is a very attentive boyfriend. His love language is mostly acts of service and some quality time. He makes you your favorite drinks and will even learn the ways of a coffee barista for you. He’s proud of the way he makes you smile and feel loved as well as being your shoulder to vent to. Husk knows he has a way with words and people to make them feel at ease, he’d say it’s a positive trait of his that’s why he wants you to be included in it. Plus he gives good advices for someone with so many bad decisions. Husk likes going on weekly dates with you (besides dinner together every night that he cooks) to watch new movies. He’s mostly a domestic guy so going out in public is something he’d only do for you.

Husk calm demeanor is really helpful when you start getting irrational. He always help you keep a head on your shoulders and is the rational voice. Doesn’t mean he won’t encourage you to go ape shit when someone deserves it. While he prefers the calm, Husk still enjoys your occasional chaotic moments. He knows you try to lessen them for him but isn’t fully opposed to them as long as you’re safe. Low chance he’ll join you but some nagging will work. People are surprised that he’s with someone way more energetic than him but he just shoots some lovey dovey comment and they shut it. Angel is probably your biggest cheerleader in the relationship, he gives a lot of (sometimes helpful) advices to Husk.

While your hobbies differ greatly, I can see Husk appreciating them a lot. Especially your artistic side that he fully encouraged. He’s always there when you practice, even when you get frustrated or have an art block. Husk will become your hype man and do his best to motivate you. He probably got the binge watching habit from you much to Alastor dismay and he actually gets into soap operas….it’s funny to watch. Husk likes listening to you analyze or talk about greek mythology. He’s not great at that but tries to participate (he likes listening to your voice).

Husk will lessen his drinking habits with you. He wants to be the best version of himself for you just like you are for him. He’s really trying and it’s commendable. His gambling is another issue and he needs another fixation for him to stop. I guess with you it could become watching tv as it takes up a lot of his time (not saying that in a negative way but you see what I mean). Aesthetically talking, you two also fit together if we judge by clothing type and your personal aesthetic. Overall he might not be the best guy but he’s willing to change for his love.

[shytastemakerthing]

Hi! Could I ask for a romantic matchup with the twst boys? I am very talkative, friendly and my friends say I am very smart. I think I'm okay at sports, but I'm not that good,I like singing and reading. My favorite style of book is romance, I'm a little romantic so it fits well with my style. My MBTI is ESTP and my zodiac is aquarium.

I hope that's enough information. Good morning/afternoon/night!

Hello! Thank you so much for your request! I do hope that you like this!

I match you with......

Deuce Spade

♤ The absolute best boy to be with, hands down and no one can change my mind on this. You literally scored thr complete and total package with him and that is final.

♤ Deuce is on th track team, that also means he has to be quite athletic. Even if you think you're only 'okay' at sports, he will be constantly cheering for you. He comes prepared with spare water, a change of clothing, a fan, healthy snacks, and anything else you may need. He has a whole bag labeled for it and everything.

♤ He could listen to you sIng for HOURS. Honestly, Deuce loves to listen to you, and will always do so with a smile on his face. There have been tomes where he has just caught you signing and you didn't know he was there..... until he started clapping when scared thriving daylights out of you.

♤ I like to think he would love to listen to you read. You're voice is very too comforting to him. Look, he used to be thr bad boy delinquent who always got into trouble. You're the best thing that has ever happened to this man, he never wants to loose you so he will do anything and everything he can to provide for you and take care of you to show that.

♤ I like to think thay Deuce can be romantic. He didn't think someone as amazing as you could come into his life and here you are. He's always thought and reamed of things he could do with his partner, grabbed he does get flustered trying to act on some of them, you're just to precious to him and he can't help but to get flustered every time you so much as smile at him.

♤ He has 100% talked about you to his mother and she really wants to meet the one who has captured her boys heart. After all, not just anyone could catch her sons heart like you have so that makes her even more excited.

♤ He does not mind at ALL that you are talkative. That means more chances to hear your voice and see you light up talking about things that you love. He is smitten........

♤ Let's not forget to mention that your smarts have greatly helped him out in his academics overall. We know he is striving to he an honor roll student, to be better than his last self, and honestly, some of these classes are just really hard for him. But with your help, he is at least able to pass and even get higher scores on many of his tests and assignments. Riddle has even praised his rising grades, Deuce was a very happy boy after reviewing said praise and only had you to thank.

♤ Overall, there are times where Deuce does struggle in this relationship, but this is all very new to him, but he is thankful everyday for you being brought into his life.

[50cal-fullauto-astarion]

Yder gets jealous of Halsin bc Astarion fed from him PLEASE

HI BESTIE ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ i am here to give you the WHOLE THING.

The beds at the Last Light are a fucking luxury beyond mortal reckoning. Yder had decided early on that she would steal every moment from the wretched pitch-black of this gods forsaken land to sleep and trance in these beds—and not on miserable, hardpacked dirt, or, worse, frigid and rough stone in the basement of Moonrise. But sleep does not settle over her. Astarion starves, slowly. She watches the bruises under his twitching eyes deepen as days pass, listens to his stomach growl and knot itself with fits of crippling hunger. He is always swallowing, he is always looking. It has become nearly dangerous to let him feed on her. It has become a practice that she loathes, keeping a stake angled below his ribs, in case he needs fended away.

There have been…arrangements made. Her teeth had gritted in jealousy of all things, when Halsin had approached the pair of them one evening in the red leaf camp, offering his neck. It was the least he could offer, he’d said, considering their efforts in eliminating the curse. And his own eyes were hungry as they flickered between the two other elves. Yder—stupid, silly, foolish Yder, an ignorant stump of a fucking girl, even at three hundred years—had been both proud and stung when Astarion had taken up the offer. It was only practical. She did not dare dampen his show of independence. She thanked Halsin, even, when Astarion did not think to. And the spawn returns to the room, boots dragging heavy across the floor, breathing raggedly as he unshoulders his leather overcoat, dropping it where his boots land. Finally, she closes her eyes, and it is not a moth eaten misery causing her skin to peel like scaled bark. He is *home*. She listens as he drops his boots and most of his weapons alongside the overcoat, peeling out of the rest of his clothes. A slow shuffle through their joint pack, and she tries to guess whether he’s wearing his own clothes, or one of her shifts. He claims that they’re more comfortable. And she thinks much the same of his clothes. Hells. Maybe that’s what ‘real’ even is. Loving the feel of the other’s clothes against the skin. His weight dips the mattress behind her, hand sliding a dagger beneath the pillow (some company for her massive, broken glass blowing shears), the other resting lightly on her hip, as if he is considering whether or not he wants the extra touch. Feeding can be overwhelming for him, this is a skin-close thing he holds to himself, but she can read him as well as she reads herself. Perhaps better. She rolls over, facing up at him, watching his rounded eyes flashing in the gray of darkvision—faint discs lighting up his glow layer. “Mm. Lamb,” she mutters, sighing heavily. “Hello, darling,” he whispers back, his hand finally finding purchase on her waist, thumb kneading softly and thoughtfully into the muscle beneath the layer of pudge. “Picked the gray one tonight?” she asks, resting on her arm, reaching out to touch the fabric at his thigh. “Only other one was the green, and neither of us look good in that shade,” he snorts quietly, shoulder lifting in a labored shrug. A pause hangs at the end of his sentence, and he swallows, whetting his lips. Their tadpoles aren’t connected, but they’ve become close. There’s some sort of—frequency, *resonance* between them. She has never felt it with the others. Only him. They speak even when they do not. “You’re still hungry,” she says, and his nose wrinkles as he turns his head. But his fingers grip tighter. “Yes.” The disgust in his tone is cutting, but she knows well enough that it is directed toward himself. He cannot stand the thing he is, a bottomless pit of hunger, a shadow-trapped villain by divine condemnation. If there were just gods, Yder does not think they would allow vampires to suffer. But the gods have never held warmth in their vast, hollow chests. “Halsin had to stop me,” he continues after a long moment of silence. “I still feel *dull*. Exhausted.” He shakes his head, herky-jerky side-to-side, and scoffs. “If I’m being completely honest, I feel like shit.” “Ohh,” she coos, faux-doting, brows furrowing over her overlarge eyes. “Poor dear. I so terribly wished you had some sort of fey creature, one that was very fond of you, and would like to see you prosper. Perhaps they’d have the sort of rich blood that would make you very good at casting, and even fat.”

[trufflemacandcheese]

The curse

chapterlist

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#25

“Okay guys, I have some clothes here. The girl and I are about the same height, so they should fit better than her actual things. I also did a little research and learned a little more about these coins she stole, but nothing suggests anything special other than that they are very old and part of… Hey, are you even listening to me?"

April walked around the TV and pulled the plug. Why did she always have to do this? She felt like an annoying big sister.

Raph looked up with an apologetic smile, and Leo let out a quiet "Damn!". Both brothers lowered the controllers.

April rolled her eyes and groaned.

“Are Donnie and the girl still asleep? Where's Mikey? And Splints? I didn't see him in the projector room."

"Dad just came back in a bad mood and disappeared into his room with a bunch of books…" Leo replied, "I think he's up to something…"

"Mikey wanted to see if our main cast were still asleep, but… now that you mention it. He's actually been gone for a while…" replied Raph, and he tapped his chin with a frown.

"Oh boy…" April said, turning to see for herself.

— April wandered through the abandoned train station that the brothers have occupied for a number of years now. She found it far more comfortable here than in the sewers. Just because of the smell…

Two different trains on different tracks were used by the brothers as their rooms. Raph and Donnie on one train, Leo and Mikey on the other. Splinter's room was off the beaten path, in an old staff lounge. In between, the train station rose, where little by little the bar, projector room, a large round training room, Donnie's laboratory, kitchen, bathroom, gaming room, skate ramp and a few other 'essential' spaces were created.

April still found this lavish space grotesque in a city like New York. On the other hand, the turtles themselves provided electricity, water, and coziness and the last thing in particular was very difficult to do in a train station, even if this one was a real gem.

The young journalist peered into Mikey's room. It was empty. She was making her way to Donnie's room when she heard Mikey's excited and rapid voice. It came from the kitchen.

—-

"Maybe we should go to April and Mikey's after all..." Raph said as the game started to load again.

"You only want to leave because I'm having a real run!" teased Leo and Raph countered

"Like you last night?"

"Oh please! That was something completely different! And don't distract! I almost got the high score…”

"I'm looking for the two now, and by the way, why didn't Casey get in touch after we tried to contact him?"

“Eeeeeey! Are you serious now?!”

“Leo, April was right. There are more important things to do!"

"But we're stuck as long as Dad locks himself in and Donnie and his fairy tale princess get their beauty sleep!"

“There are these coins and April found something out. You really weren't listening, were you?"

“… Casey got in touch by the way.”

"And since when did you know that, and why didn't you tell us that?"

“…”

"I'm going to find April and Mikey."

Raph left the room and Leo looked at the controller in his hands. The truth was, he wanted to avoid seeing and speaking to the others. Especially with Donnie. Oh boy, why does he have to be so impulsive sometimes? Leo sighed. Things had gotten better since they hit their twenties, but sometimes the impulsiveness still got the better of him - sometimes good things came of it, but most of the time it didn't… "Damn it!" he cursed under his breath, got up from the floor and threw the controller onto the couch further back as he left. “Raph! Wait for me!”

—-

“And the last missing piece was Dad's old tea pot! He's been in our kitchen all these years!" exclaimed Mikey, “and then they had all the pieces together and Shredder showed up! But he couldn't fully escape the prison dimension yet because Gramgram kept him there - it wasn't until we freed her there that Shredder had his full power."

Mikey got the steaming rice off the stove. He knew you shouldn't eat junk food when you're exhausted and injured. And so he had made rice with vegetables.

A large worktop cut through the middle of the kitchen like a counter, and she sat there with the 5th glass of water and listened to him with great attention.

"Gramgram?"

“Our great, great, great, great, great…” 

“Karai was your great-grandmother?” she looked as if she had been hit and realization took hold of her… She knew what that meant and made a hard decision, but he next moment she was distracted.

"Hey, how do you know her name?" Mikey announced as he poured rice and veggies into a bowl, lightly seasoned it, and set it in front of her.

“I…” She looked down at the bowl of steaming food. It smelled good. Wistfulness rose in her.

"Mikey, what are you doing!?" April stood in the doorway and stared in amazement at the scene in the kitchen.

"Rice and vegetables?"

"I did not mean that!"

She stomped into the kitchen and pulled Mikey's head to her face by his bandana and whispered much too loud.

“How can you tell her your entire life story!!! You don't even know who she is!? You don't know anything about her at all! Where's your mind!? What's the matter with you all?!”

Mikey felt caught, but was outraged at the same time. He made food for the person who saved his brother's life and was seriously injured because she did so! How can this be wrong!?

He started to reply when he and April glanced over at her. The young woman was still sitting there, as if she hadn't even noticed April, looking at her bowl of food. They saw her moved face. Wistfulness and loss were reflected in it, and she swallowed hard.

“It's been a long time since anyone made me something to eat. I thank you." she said quietly and looked down for a moment to hide her feelings at least a little.

Mikey looked at April, and now April felt a hit of guilt. She sighed and looked with a silent ‘sorry’ to the turtle, and he forgave her straight away.

Embarrassed, April went over and sat down next to her and turned to face her. The young woman had collected herself and looked at April.

'The female voice from Donatello s call to his family. So there is no female turtle?' she thought.

"Sorry that was a weird act on my part," April confessed, "Can we start over?"

‘Her eyes are really unusually green,' the young journalist thought to herself, and was relieved when the other woman smiled at her.

"I'm used to strange situations. Please don't worry. Because you're right, I'm a stranger and from your point of view, I can understand a degree of caution." she looked over at Mikey, "So thank you for your trust. You have my word that your story is safe with me."

Mikey and April remarked on the formal and dialectic language. She seemed very wise to them, how she summed up the situation with calmness and reflection.

"I'm sorry if I have to ask you something else, and I don't want to seem rude…” she looked extremely meaningfully at Mikey, who was now very perceptive and started to hold his breath. "But could I have some chopsticks, please?" Mikey's eyes widened, his mouth formed a silent 'Oh!' and when he and the young woman looked at each other, they had to suppress their laughter. April realized the sympathy the two had for each other and smiled.

-

-

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[janeeyreheresy]

Indecent Proposal

Rochester gets to the part in his sad boy emo tale where he meets Jane. As we can expect from him by now, he is very poetic about it, but also admits to watching her without her knowledge. First when she was playing with Adele, then later, when she was walking the corridors of Thornfield, deep in her thoughts. Okay, so--if this is bad when his vampire namesake of Twilight does that to Bella, then surely it's bad here, no? Observing her while she's with Adele is understandable, he wants to satisfy himself she is competent at the job he is paying her for. But the other... hmm, questionable.

I liked my name pronounced by your lips in a grateful happy accent

What name, lol? She addressed him as "sir" or "Mr Rochester". She only called him "Edward" upon his insistence on it, during that emotional abuse of a proposal. And that was later.

He goes on to spill further verbal diarrhoea. My gods, that guy can talk, it's paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs of words, interjected by a single line from Jane, which always contains a "sir". At long last, he gets to the point--he wants Jane to say she will he his. He insists there is nothing wrong with the two of them being together. Jane refuses to yield. Roch points out that she has no one, no relatives of friends, who would be offended by their relationship. 

What a shitty thing to say. Throwing it to her face that she is alone in the world, also, do I detect a touch of threat? You have nobody, therefore nobody will care what happens to you.

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

I can get behind this. Much better than those two popular, overhyped quotes (the "no bird no net ensnares me" one and the "do you think I'm an automaton machine" one). This time around Eddie is actually listening. And she's not crying.

The Roch is furious. He seizes her arm and grabs her waist. He grits his teeth and spouts more dramatic tripe, but he does release her. 

Rochester: “Then you will not yield?”

Jane: “No.”

Rochester: “Then you condemn me to live wretched and to die accursed?”

New insult just dropped. "Live wretched and die accursed!"

This too:

"You make me a liar by such language: you sully my honour."

The guy who's been lying ever since he entered the scene and would not know honour if it slapped him in his ugly face. 

She turns to go. 

Then he throws himself on the sofa and exclaims: 

“Oh, Jane! my hope—my love—my life!”

And he sobs.

It's almost comical.

If this was an Oscar Wilde society play, it would be funny. Rochester would fit well in that setting, what with his declamations and amazing bunburying skills. In this novel, however, it only comes across as manipulative. 

Not to mention hypocritical. He elevates Jane over all the other women he had relationships with, yet he demands she acts the same as them. He's essentially asking her to be his mistress, like Celine and Giacinta and Clara. They would agree to this offer, because they wanted to be mistresses (presumably), but Jane is not like that and HE SHOULD KNOW she's not like that BECAUSE HE KEEPS SAYING HOW SHE'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD. Gah. Same as with those jewels and nice clothes. He pushes these things on her, even though he praises her for not wanting them. Make it make sense, Ed.

Blanche Ingram would send him somewhere if he suggested this to her. Except she'd grab the jewels. And the clothes. And that nice new carriage. As a bonus, she'd give him a finger from the window of the carriage, as it was exiting the Thornfield driveway. And she'd make it an entertaining story to tell at parties. He wouldn't dare show his ugly face at any of their gatherings any time soon.

See why I say Blanche was not needed in the story to provide romantic tension. Edward has been married all along, which itself provides more than enough conflict!

Rochester would never, ever dare pull the bigamy stunt with Blanche. Or any other high class lady for that matter. But he knew he could get away with it with poor plain obscure Jane, two decades younger than him, Jane of no family or friends.

Except she turned out to have some family, who happened to be rich and put a stop to his plans. 

[troidatoi]

Day 10 - 10/19/2023

Hello! I got a job offer last week which I'm so grateful for because I need money. lmfao. The thing about the job is that it's a 3 month contract role with potential to hire which means there's a possibility they don't keep me next year and they didn't put that in the job listing. I was lowkey so frustrated that they didn't put that in the listing but the company is sports media which is cool and the pay is a little better than I was getting paid at my other jobs. It's for Meta so I guess we'll see how it is when I start. The main thing was health insurance but they provide it thankfully. All these fucking jobs are starting off as contracts with potential to hire and that pisses me off so bad because if someone is qualified and you like them in the interviews why are you doing this? People need money to live?? People need jobs?? Companies really don't give a fuck about us. I'm still waiting on my top choice to get back to me and will probably email them tomorrow for a follow up. I had two interviews with them but they said it's 123 interview process which probably means I have a third interview. I accepted the contract role cause I so desperately need money but if they hire me permanently, I'd feel more relieved because at least I'll know I have job and financial security next year. I hope my top choice hires me because it's a permanent role and also does sports.

I'm still crying a lot, just literally about everything. lmao. As much as I want to stay positive, it's been extremely difficult. When I went to give my best friend her birthday gift, she let me vent to her and I was just crying to her. I told her everything and spilled my guts basically. I felt bad because it was her birthday but she said it was okay. I told her about my dad, how I've been feeling about my health, the uncertainty of everything that's going on in my life and if things will ever get better, how I cry every day multiple times a day, how I feel so incredibly sad and lonely. And not the I want a boyfriend type of lonely but just some sense of loneliness that I can't really comprehend. I was telling her I know I have people who love and care about me so why can't I see it? Why can't I just take it in? I know I did this to myself and I don't want to spend my life at war with myself. I'm trying so fucking hard. I've been listening to affirmations every night, journaling every day, praying every night to whoever the fuck is listening. I so badly want things to get better. Am I heading in the right direction? Am I going to be okay? Are there other health symptoms I'm going to have to worry about? Will I ever be able to eat normally again? I apologize so many times to my body because I know I put it through hell. I'm still trying to love her while trying to heal her. I went to another doctor because he luckily does free consultations and he was super nice. Will probably start working with him once I pay off some of my debt. I just want to feel better again and lose weight and fit into my clothes again. I don't want to feel bloated and inflamed anymore. I don't want my body to tingle and feel numb.

I was asking my best friend if I was meant to suffer or if I did something bad in my past life or earlier in my life for something like this to happen. She said no, I did not. I'm so glad she lives right there. I am so grateful for her and I love her so much. I got a tummy tuck and thigh lift which basically gave me digestive issues. My body isn't absorbing food right now so I'm always bloated and inflamed. And it sucks having to be careful what to eat and sometimes I just want to be like fuck it and eat whatever I want but I know I can't do that unless I truly want to heal my body. I've read success stories about people healing so that's what is keeping me going. I know I'm going to feel better and eat what I want again. I just feel so stuck. Was it wrong of me to do the surgery? I've always been such a big girl so was it bad that I wanted to feel skinny and fit for the first time in my life? My best friend said no, and that it was okay. I don't regret any of the surgeries I did but now I have to heal it back. I'm hoping I do. I know I will. I know it's going to take time.

I was also talking to her about death and how it always consumes my mind. I didn't realize how much I thought about it when I was little too. I remember asking my mom why do we die in 4th grade. 4th fucking grade. I remember crying in class in 4th grade because I was thinking about death. My mom couldn't give me a straight response but I always just thought about how sad it was that we are born and then we die. And then I think about about how aging is a blessing a privilege so why do I want to die right now? Some people don't even get to live to be my age and here I am having suicidal thoughts. I think about everyone in Palestine fighting for their life and just wanting to live and then there's me. I just want to scream and punch something to get everything out of my system. My heart is so heavy all the time. I am so anxious and worried all the time. I am so stressed all the time. I'm trying so hard to do better, to feel better, to take care of myself because I know I didn't back then. There is so much going on and there's never any time to grieve or just breathe.

I was posting things on my story about how difficult life is and a lot of my friends know I'm sad a lot of the time and one of my friends messaged me saying I hope that I'm happy and doing well. And I don't post things to get a reaction or for people to feel sorry for me. I post things because it's important to me (of things like that) and sometimes you feel like people aren't really thinking of you and yet when my friend reached out to me, I was like oh wow. I'm very grateful that she did. I know my friends are worried about me. I think it was this week that I was just lying in bed and feeling sad (as always) and my pole instructor texted me and she said she was thinking of me and she hoped the job search was going well. My therapist also texted me saying she has faith things are going to fall into place for me. Sometimes I don't think about the way I have an impact on people. Sometimes people are just extremely busy and it's hard for me to reach out because I don't want to feel like a burden and I'm just like sad all the time. I remember my friend crying to me and she never cries saying that if anything happens to me, she'll understand but will be extremely sad that I'm not in her life anymore. It was the first time someone has cried in front of me and talking to me about it. I am always grateful for the people in my life because I know how much they care about me and love me. As of right now, I'm just having a hard time seeing it because I'm too much into my head.

I also think about if I'm ever going to date someone and experience being in a relationship. I do want to so bad but I know I have to take care of myself first. I don't really believe in the whole you have to love yourself first before you love yourself because let's face it. Everyone is always going to hate something about themselves and find every flaw imaginable but I feel as long as you're working on yourself and you're not being a bad person then it's absolutely okay to be in a relationship. I can't believe I realized that I want to start dating. I literally didn't think this day would ever come but here we are.

I do just want to focus on getting healthier, paying off my debt, and focus on my family and friends but whoever I start to date, I hope they like me as much I like them.

I love you, Jane. There's so much good in store for you. You're going to be okay. I promise.