#linguistics fun fact time!

[best-non-english-word-torunament]

In honour of April fools day, let me tell you about Swedish herrings

What does this have to do with april fools? Or linguistics?

Well, if you trick someone with an aprilskämt (april joke) you simply get to call them a stupid herring!

There's a traditional verse which goes like this and is done in a singsong voice when you reveal someone got pranked:

April, april din dumma sill, jag kan lura dig vart jag vill

In English: April, April you stupid herring, I can trick you (to) wherever I want

And pronounciation: [aprɪl aprɪl dɪn dɵma sɪl jɑː kan lʉ̟ːra dej vaʈ jɑː vɪl] (not a true phonetic transcription, I didn't want to do stress or long consonants)

For those of you who don't know IPA, the important thing is that april is pronounced more like app-ril than ay-pril which means it rhymes with sill (herring) and vill (want). It's also not capitalised.

Next question: why?

Well, swedes love herring. It's the essential traditional holiday food in all sorts of pickled varieties. I ate herring today. But more importantly, it rhymes.

Apparently the rhyme itself might be borrowed from a similar German one "April, April, ich kann dich narren wie ich will" which lacks the herring. But who doesn't want to call others stupid herrings if it rhymes?

French also calls people getting pranked fish, specifically poisson d'avril (april fish, a mackerel). A possible origin is French people giving each other fishes that had gone bad on April 1st, starting the trend of pranks.

What about tricking people to wherever you want? A common aprilskämt used to be tricking people to go to some far off place.

This is my source

I hope you learnt something new about april fools traditions today!

[galionne-vibin]

French Masculine Pronoun

French Feminine Pronoun

French Non-Binary Pronoun

[artist-owl]

So it has been said before that the Fëanorians are basically the only members of the Exiles who can pronounce Thingol's name correctly without practice, since they never got rid of the þ in their speech. But. It gets better.

One fun feature of Quenya is that not all consonants can go together, and almost always cannot appear in clusters of more than 2. There are a set few consonant groups that are allowed - rm, lw, ng, etc - but most aren’t. Notably, clusters like gl, gn, rg, mr, lr, and dr are not allowed in Quenya. This means that Quenya speakers trying to learn Sindarin would likely struggle to pronounce those sounds correctly before they practice a bit

The point I'm getting at is that most of the sons of Fëanor could not easily pronounce their own names in Sindarin, but had no problem pronouncing Thingol

[nostalgia-tblr]

I feel like anyone who's about to embark on attempting to type out a character's accent phoentically (at least as well as one can with English) should probably stop for a moment before they get going and ask themselves, "How would I, myself, feel about a fic where the one character who sounds like me had their speech written out like this and every other character just got their dialogue left in standard spelling?" I feel like a lot of people would tone it down a bit, at least, if they'd done that thought experiment first.

(Anyone who answered "but I don't have an accent!" isn't allowed to write out anyone else's accent, ever. This rule may seem harsh but you need it. Really, you do. Because you've never had anyone treat your accent as abnormal or comical or wrong, so you really don't know what you're inflicting on others here.)

[cb-writes-stuff]

Did You Know?

Languages didn’t start out with words for all the colors. In fact, many of them follow a pattern with what words they made for what colors when!

Most languages start with words for black and white, or “dark” and “light”. After that, the color red gets a word. After that comes green or yellow, then after those, blue.

[whispersosoftly]

the other day i had this very interesting conversation with a middle-aged librarian from Alabama during a really very terribly busy rush at my lovely gay job at a tea shop.

We had this sort of… cultural clash I needed to navigate like, twice

firstly being that, as she's from alabama and it's populated entirely by trees and racoons, she wants to mosey her way through a checkout line because, again, there are NO PEOPLE in alabama

You can totally just talk your checker's ear off about this and that and it's part of the whole thing, partly because, as they are also stuck in alabama, they have nothing but squirrels for company and need someone to talk to

this is very different from the city I live in or really any densely populated area, where the polite action is to keep your conversations with sales staff brief. If they are friends, you are totally welcome to chat with them! but if there are people in a queue, it's Understood that you are not so very important as to hold up the line

I'm originally from the state of Georgia, which is only removed from Alabama by the state line and probably a few less possums, and I only moved to the west coast in my mid-twenties, so I know this from both angles

she, I think, did not

I'm navigating a very harsh rush while gently attempting to scoot her along. I am neck deep in orders. There are people wrapping around the tables and toward the door. I am physically drowning. She is telling me about the state of librarianship in Mobile, Alabama, which is also very important to me, too, especially as there's a lot of stress put on libraria-- yes, of course i would *love* to add making an iced tea to the next order. :) is there anything else I can get you?--

Turning this very lovely lady out too soon for southern standards isn't good, because by a southern standard that would put the whole shop in a bad light, because I, the checker, was rude to her. I don't want to do that! So we do our best and I get to the important part, which is "would you like me to put your items into a paper bag, so that you are not carrying several smaller bags and instead just the one bigger one"

She doesn't hear me. It's very loud due to the massive avalanche of people patiently waiting behind her, and she can't here me.

I try again. "would you like a bag?" I make the universal gesture for a bag, which is to hold both my hands fisted in front of me and shake them up and down once gently, like holding a baby or a wet cucumber. She still is not on board.

Then I remember that in addition to being from Alabama, where literally nothing but deer and kudzu manage to eke out a living, she is also an old folks and an old folks don't always use like, modern english such as the word 'bag'

so I'm like… "would you like a poke?"

and she's like OH YES , YES I WOULD

and anyway, that's how i navigated cultural and generational gaps

[dazzelmethat]

Any youtube recommendations? I'll try anything made by people passionate about their topic. Or anything you can sense passion in it's creation.

[epicdogymoment]

remembers a reddit comment thread where someone said that っ basically works as a glottal stop. and sighs.

[akira-seeya]

problem: uh oh! i'm gonna be an adult real soon and i'm planning on going to a japanese college/university as some point, but my username is my irl first name! this would be relatively ok in the us, but it wouldn't be as safe in japan because it's way easier to find people and i'm also in a way more of a minority!

solution (broke): change my username

solution (woke): change my irl name

[best-non-english-word-torunament]

What's the average language like?

This will be a giant of a post, because this is a subject that I really like. So much of what we think about language just isn't true when you look at the majority of them and I'm not even going into how the languages themselves are constructed, only the people speaking them, if that makes sense. It will make sense in a moment, I promise

First, let's discuss assumptions. When you think of the abstract idea of a language, what do you imagine?

How many speakers?

Where is it spoken geographically?

Do speakers of the language only speak that language or do they speak at least one other language? How many more languages?

Is the language tied to a state/country?

Is the language thriving or endangered?

In what domains is the language used? (home, school, higher education, administration and politics, in the workplace, in popular media...)

Is the language well documented and supported? Are there resources like dictionaries to look up words in, does google translate work for it, does Word/google docs work etc?

Is the language spoken or signed?

Is the language written down? Is it written down in a standardised way?

Do you see where I'm going with this? My perspective on what a language is has completely shifted after studying some linguistics, and this only covers language usage and spread, not how words and grammar work in different languages. Anyways, let's talk facts. (if no other sources are given the source is my uni lectures)

How many speakers does the average language have?

The median language has 7 600 native speakers.

7 600 people is the median number of speakers. Half the world's languages have more, half have less.

Most languages in this tournament have millions of speakers. But maybe that's relatively common? After all, half of the world's languages have more than 7 600 speakers. No.

94% of all languages have less than a million speakers.

Just so you know, big languages are far from the norm. There are 6700-6800 living languages in the world (according to ethnologue and glottolog, the two big language databases. I've taken the numbers for languages having a non-zero number of speakers and not being classed as extinct respectively. Both list more languages).

6% of 6700-6800 languages would be around 400 languages with more than a million speakers. Still a lot, but only a (loud) minority. It's enough to skew the average number of speakers per language upwards though. Counting 8 billion people and 6800 languages, that's almost 1.2 million people per language on average. The minority is Very loud.

Where are most languages spoken?

First of all, I'll present you with these graphs (data stolen from my professor's powerpoint) which I first showed in this post:

49% of all languages are spoken in Africa and Oceania, a disproportionately large amount compared to their population. On the other hand, Europe and Asia have disproportionally few languages, though Asia still has the largest amount of languages. Curious, considering Europe is often thought of as a place with many languages.

Sub-Saharan Africa is a very linguistically interesting place, but we need to talk about New Guinea. One island with 6.4 million people. Somehow over 800 languages. If you count the surrounding islands that's 7.1 million people and 1050 languages. Keep in mind that there are 6700-6800 languages in the world, so those 1050 make up more than a seventh of all languages. The average New Guinean language has less than 3000 speakers. Some are larger, but still less than 250 000 speakers. Remember, this is a seventh of all languages. It's a lot more common than the millions of speakers situation!

So yeah, many languages both in and outside New Guinea are spoken by few people in one or a few villages. Which is to say a small territory. But 7600 speakers spread over a big territory will have a hard time keeping their contact and language alive, so it's not surprising.

Moving on, lets talk about...

Bilingualism! Or multilingualism!

Is it common to speak two or more languages? Yes, it is. This is the situation in most of the world and has been the case historically. Fun fact: monolingual areas are uncommon historically and states which have become monolingual became so relatively recently.

One common thing is to learn a lingua franca in addition to your native language, a language that most people in the area know at least some of so you can use it to communicate with people speaking other languages than you.

As an example, I'm writing this in English which isn't my native language and some of you reading this won't have English as your native language either. Other examples are Swahili in large parts of eastern Africa and Tok Pisin in Papua New Guinea (the autonomous state, not the entire island).

Speakers of minority languages often have to learn the majority language in the country too. It's difficult to live somewhere where most daily life takes place in one language without speaking at least some of it. This is the case for native people in colonised countries, immigrants and smaller ethnic groups just to mention a few situations. All countries don't have majority languages, but some are larger, more influential and used for things like administration, business and higher education. It's common for schooling to transition from local languages to a larger language or lingua franca in countries with many languages.

Another approach than the lingua franca is learning the language of villages or towns surrounding you, which is very common in New Guinea and certainly other parts of the world too. It's not unusual to know multiple languages, in some places in sub-saharan Africa people speak five or six languages on a village level. Monolingualism is a weird outlier.

Speaking of monolingualism, let's move on to...

Languages and countries

This is a big talking point, mostly because it affected my view of language before I started thinking about it. First of all, I'm going to talk about the nation state and how it impacts languages within it and the way people view language (mostly because it's a source of misconceptions which fall apart as soon as you start to think about them, but if you don't the misconceptions will stay). Then I'll move on to countries with lots of languages and what happens there instead.

So, the nation state

The idea is that the people of a nation state share a common culture, history, values and other such things, the most important here being language. We can all agree that this type of nationalism has done lots of harm to various minorities and migrants all over the world, but it's still an idea that has had and still has a big impact on especially the western world. The section on nation states will focus on the West, because that's the area I know enough about to feel comfortable writing about in this regard.

How do you see this in common conceptions of language? It's in statements and thoughts like this: In France people speak French (but what about Breton? Basque? Corsican? Various Arabics? Some of the other 15 indigenous and 18 non-indigenous languages established in France? What about people speaking French outside of France?), in the US people speak English (but what about the 197 living indigenous languages? Or the 34 established non-indigenous languages? And the many extinct indigenous languages forcibly killed by the promotion of English?).

In X country people speak X, except for the people who don't, but let's ignore them and pretend everyone speaks X. Which most might actually do if it's the single national language that's used everywhere, it's common to learn a second language after all.

This is of course a simplified (and eurocentric) picture, as many countries either have multiple national languages or recognise at least some minority languages and give them legal protection and rights to access certain services in their languages (like government agency information). Bi-/multilingual signage is common and getting more common, either on a regional or a national level. Maybe because we're finally getting ready to move on from one language, one people, one state and give indigenous languages the minimum of availability they need to survive.

I wrote a long section about how nation states affect language, but I realised that veered way off topic and should be its own post. The short version is that a language might become more standardised simply by being tied to a country and more mobility among the population leading to less prominent dialects. There's also been (and still is) lots of opression and attempts to wipe out minority (often indigenous) languages in the name of national unity. Lots of atrocities have been comitted. Sometimes the same processes of language loss happen without force, just by economic pressure and misconceptions about bilingualism.

What does this have to do with the average language?

I simply want to challenge two assumptions:

That all languages are these big national languages tied to a country

That it's common that only one language is spoken within a country. If you look closer there will be smaller languages, often indigenous and often endangered. There are also countries in the West where multiple languages hold equal or similar status (just look at Switzerland and its four official languages)

Starting with the second point, let's take a look at how Europe is weird about language again

Majority languges aren't universal

I'm going to present you with a list of the 10 countries with the most living languages, not counting immigrant languages (list taken from wikipedia, which has Ethnologue as the source):

Papua New Guinea, 840 languages

Indonesia, 707 languages

Nigeria, 517 languages

India, 447 languages

China, 302 languages

Mexico, 287 languages

Cameroon, 274 languages

Australia, 226 languages

United states, 219 languages

Brazil, 217 languages

DR Congo, 212 languages

Philippines, 183 languages

Malaysia, 133 languages

Chad, 130 languages

Tanzania, 125 languages

This further challenges the idea of one country one language. Usually there's a lingua franca, but it's not always a native language and it's not always the case that most are monolingual in it (like the US or Australia, both of which have non-indigenous languages as widespread lingua francas). Europe is the outlier here. People might use multiple languages in their day to day lives, which are spoken by a varying number of people.

In some cases the indigenous or smaller local languages are extremely disadvantaged compared to one official language (think the US, Australia and China), while in other places like Nigeria, several larger languages are widely used in their respective areas alongside local languages, with English as the official language even though it's spoken by few people.

It's actually pretty common in decolonised countries to use the colonial language as an official language to avoid favoring one ethnic group and their language over others. Others simply don't have an official language, while South Africa's strategy is having 12 official languages (there are 20 living indigenous languages and 11 non-indigenous languages in total, and one of the official ones is English, so not all languages are official with this strategy either). Indonesia handled decolonisation by picking a smaller language (a dialect of Malay spoken by around 10% at the time, avoiding favouring the Javanese aka the dominating ethnic group by picking their language), modifying it, and started using it as the new national language Indonesian. It's doing very well, but at the cost of many smaller languages.

Going back to the list, it's also interesting to compare the mean speaker number (if every language in a country was spoken by the same amount of people) and the median speaker number (half have more speakers, half have less). The median is always lower than the mean, often by a lot. This means that the languages in a country don't have similar speaker numbers, so one or a few languages with lots of speakers drive the average upwards while the majority of languages are small. Just like for the entire world.

The US and Australia stand out with 12 and 10 median speakers, respectively. About 110 languages in the US have 12 or fewer native speakers. The corresponding number for Australia is 113 languages with 10 or fewer speakers. There are some stable languages with few speakers documented, but they have/had between 40 and 60 speakers, so those numbers point towards a lot of indigenous languages dying very soon unless revitalisation efforts succeed quickly. This brings us to the topic of...

Endangered languages

This is an interesting tool called glottoscope made by Glottolog which you can play around with and view data on endangered languages and description status (which is the next heading).

I'll pull out some numbers for you:

Remember those 6700 languages in Glottolog? That's living languages. How many extinct languages are listed?

936 extinct languages. That's ~12,5% of the languages we know of. (Glottolog doesn't include reconstructed languages like Proto-Indo-European, only languages where we either have enough remaining texts to conclude it was a separate language or reliable account(s) that conclude the same. We can only assume that there are thousands of undocumented languages hiding in history that we'll never know of)

How many more are on the way to become extinct?

Well, only 36% (2800 languages) aren't threatened, which means that the other 64% are either extinct or facing different levels of threat

What makes a language threatened? The short answer is people not speaking the language, especially when it's not passed down to younger generations. The long answer of why that happens comes later.

306 languages are listed as nearly extinct and 412 more as moribound. That means that only the grandparent generation and older speak it and the chain of transmission to younger generations has broken. These two categories include 9,26% of all known languages.

The rest of all languages either fall into the threatened or shifting category. The threatened category means that the language is used by all generations but is losing speakers. The shifting category refers to languages where the parental generation speaks the language but their children don't. In both of these cases it's easier to revive the language, since parents can speak to the children at home instead of having to rely on external structures (for example classes in the heritage language taught like foreign language classes in schools).

Where are languages threatened?

This map is also from glottoscope and can be found here. I recommend playing around with it, you can zoom in and hover over every dot to see which language it represents. The colours signify threat level: green for not threatened, light green for threatened, orange for shifting, red for moribound and nearly extinct, and black for extinct. I'll come back to the shapes later.

As you can see, language death is more common in certain areas, like Australia, Siberia, North America and the Amazon, but it's still spread over the entire world.

Why are languages going extinct?

There are two important dimensions to the vigorousness of a language: The first is the number of speakers who claim the language as their own and speak it with each other. No speakers means no language. If all speakers move to different places or assimilate by shifting to a dominant language in the area (sometimes for work opportunities or for their childrens' future work opportunities. Sometimes because of which language(s) schools are taught in or disinterest from the children in the language and culture. Sometimes migration of an ethnic group for various reasons leads to language shifts. There are many complex reasons to why the link of transmission can break)

The other dimension, which ties into the first one, is the number of situations in which a language is used. There are many domains a language can be used in, like at home, in school, in the workplace, in politics and administration, in higher education, for international communication, in religious activities, in popular media like movies and music etc. When a language is no longer or never used in a particular domain, it might lose the associated vocabulary. When it becomes confined to a singular domain like the home, the usage goes down. The home is usually the last place an endangered language is spoken.

Usage in a domain is a reason to speak or hear the language. It's a reason to keep it alive. People also forget or get worse at languages they don't use. That's why a common revitalisation tactic is producing movies, radio programmes, news reporting, books and other media in a dying language. It gives people both reason and opportunity to use their language skills. Which language is used in schools is also important, as it keeps basic vocabulary for sciences and explaining the world alive. Another revitalisation tactic is making up new words to talk about modern concepts, some examples are the Kaqchikel word rub'eyna'oj from this tournament or creating advanced math vocabulary in Māori.

What does endangered languages have to do with the average language?

Trying to get this post back on track, these are some key points:

64% of all documented languages are either extinct or facing some level of threat. That's the majority of all language

Even excluding the extinct languages, the majority of languages are threatened or worse

This means that the average language is facing a loss of speakers, some more disastrous than others. Being a minority language in an increasingly globalized world is dangerous

Describing a language

Are you able to look up words from your native language in a thesaurus or a dictionary? What about figuring out how a certain piece of grammar works if you're unsure? Maybe you don't need that for your native language, but what about a second language you're learning?

If your native language is English, there are lots of resources, like online and book dictionaries/thesauruses or an extensive grammar (a book about how English grammar works). There's also a plethora of websites and courses to learn English, and large collections of written text or transcribed speech. If a linguist wants to know something about the English language there's an abundance of material. If someone wants to learn English it's easy and courses are offered in most parts of the world.

For other languages, the only published thing might be a list of 20 words and their translation into English or another lingua franca.

Let's take a look at the same map as earlier, but toggled to show documentation status in colour and endangerment status with shapes:

Here, the green signifies a long grammar and the light green a grammar. Both are extensive descriptions of the grammar in a language, but they differ in length. A long grammar has to contain over 300 pages and a grammar over 150. Orange is another type of grammar, namely a grammar sketch. Those are brief overviews of the main grammatical features or features that may be of interest for linguists, typically between 20 and 50 pages. The purpose isn't to be a complete grammar, only a starting point.

The red dots can signify a lot of things, but what they have in common is that there's no extensive description of the grammar. In those cases, the best description of the language might be a list of which sounds it contains, a paper about a specific feature, a collection of texts or recordings, a dictionary, a wordlist (much shorter than dictionaries) or just a mention that it exists.

Why are grammars and descriptions even important?

The better described a language is, the easier it is to learn it and study it. For a community facing language loss, it might be helpful to have a pedagogical grammar or a dictionary to help teach the language to new generation. If the language becomes extinct people might still be able to learn and revive it from the documentation (like current efforts with Manx). It also makes sure unique words or grammatical features as well as knowledge encoded in the language isn't lost even if the language is. It's a way of preserving language, both for research and later learning.

What's an average amount of descripion then?

36,2% of all documented languages have either a grammar or a long grammar. That's pretty good actually

38,2% of all documented languages would be marked by a red dot on this map, meaning that more languages than that don't have any kind of grammar at all, maybe only as little as a short list of words

The remaining 25,6% have a grammar sketch

So as you see, the well documented languages are in minority. On the brighter side, linguists are working hard at describing languages and if they keep going at the same rate as they have since the 1950s, they'll reach the maximum level of description by 2084. Progress!

Tying into both description of languages and domains where language is used...

What about technology and language?

There are many digital tools for language. Translation services, spelling and grammar checks in word processors, unicode characters for different scripts and more. I'm going to focus on the first two:

Did you know that there are only 133 languages on google translate? 103 more are in the process of being added, but that's still a tiny percentage of all languages. As in 2% right now and 3,5% once these other languages are added going with the 6700 language estimation.

Of course, this is for the most part a limination with translation technology. You need translated texts containing millions of words to train the algorithms on and the majority of languages don't have that much written text, let alone translated into English. The low number still surprised me.

There are 106 official language packs for Windows 10 and I counted 260 writing standards you can use for spelling checks in Word. Most were separate languages, but lots were different ways to write the same language, like US or British English. That's a vanishingly small amount. But then again:

Do all languages have a written standard?

No. That much is clear. But how many do? I'll just quote Ethnologue on this:

"The exact number of unwritten languages is hard to determine. Ethnologue (25th edition) has data to indicate that of the currently listed 7,168 living languages, 4,178 have a developed writing system. We don't always know, however, if the existing writing systems are widely used. That is, while an alphabet may exist there may not be very many people who are literate and actually using the alphabet. The remaining 2,990 are likely unwritten."

(note that Ethnologue classes 334 languages without speakers as living, since their definition of living language is having a function for a contemporary language community. I think that's a bad definition and that means it differs from figures earlier in the post)

Spoken vs signed

My last point about average languages is about signed languages, because they're just as much of a language as spoken ones. One common misconception is that signed languages reflect or mimic the spoken language in the area, but they don't. Grammar works differently and some similarities in metaphor might be the only thing the signed language has in common with spoken language in the area.

Another common misconception is that there's only one sign language and that all signers understand each other. That's false, signed languages are just as different from each other as spoken languages, except for some tendencies regarding similarity between certain signs which often mimic an action (signs for eating are similar in many unrelated sign languages for example).

Glottolog lists 141 Deaf sign languages and 76 Rural sign languages, which are the two types of signed language that become entire languages. The difference is in reach.

Rural signs originate in villages with a critical amount of deaf people (around 6) that make up a fully fledged language with complete grammar to communicate. Often large parts of the village learn tha language as well. There are probably more than 76, that's just the ones the linguist community knows of.

What's called Deaf sign languages became a thing in the 1750s when a French guy named Charles-Michel de l'Épóe systematised and built onto a rural sign from Paris to create a national sign language which was then taught in deaf schools for all deaf children in France. Other countries took after the deaf school model and now there's 141 deaf sign languages, each connected to a different country. Much easier to count than spoken languages.

Many were made from scratch (probably building on some rural sign), but some countries recruited teachers from other countries that already had a natinonal sign language and learnt that instead. Of course they changed over time and with influence from children's local signs or home signs (rudimentary signs to communicate with hearing family, not complete languages), so now there's sign language families! The largest one unsurprisingly comes from LSF (Langue des Signes Française, the French one) and has 63 members, among them ASL.

What does this have to do with average languages? Well, languages don't have to be spoken, they can be signed instead. Even if they make up a small share of languages, we shouldn't forget them.

Now for some final words

Thank you for reading this far! I hope you found this interesting and have learned something new! Languages are exciting and this doesn't even go inte the nitty gritty of how different languages can be in their grammar, sounds and vocabulary. Lots of this seem self evident if you think about it, but I remember how someone pointing out facts like this truly shifted my perspective on what the language situation in the world truly looks like. The average language is a lot smaller and diffrerent from the common idea of a language I had before.

Please reblog this post if you liked it. I spent lots of time writing it because I'm passionate about this subject, but I'd love if it spread past my followers

[krysmcscience]

Did somebody say Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear? I think somebody said Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear. Thanks to that, have these retooled The Good Place jokes:

The "powers that be" can refer to either the Theraprism staff, the Axolotl, or just. Ya know. Disney in general. Or all three! Whichever you think is funniest. ¯\_(���)_/¯

The "party" Bill's referring to is Weirdmageddon, of course. He was quite the ashhole to everyone back then.

Ford has probably gotten pretty good at the 'tune out your psychopathic ex with dank memes' challenge.

It must be very cathartic to be able to make Bill shut up whenever you want with just the press of a button. I'm sure Ford doesn't abuse this ability at all.

Oh, sure, 'Not now,' he says, before he immediately backs out of the newly-made hole in the Theraprism wall. 🙄

Don't worry, Bill doesn't get far.

also yeah i know this one doesn't have an attempted swear - i just wanted to use the joke because of the massive stink-eye involved in it because it makes me laugh

⬇️ More goofs beneath the brief ramble if you wanna skip it lmao⬇️

Why is Ford even there, you might ask? Well, he either decided he preferred to watch Bill suffer in person over being distantly and repeatedly harassed with the same evil desperation book for the rest of his life, or he got roped into some kind of contrived community service for 1.) all his many counts of interdimensional thievery, and 2.) his ignoring all the very clear warnings to NOT summon Bill in the first place (which I like to imagine is also illegal). Theraprism staff were just like, 'Wait, this guy matters to Bill? Ooh, we can USE that! It might be the only thing that can help him want to get better!' It is not considered that throwing Ford at Bill so soon after Weirdmageddon could instead make them both WORSE - in new and altogether special ways! :D

Anyway, I'm calling it the Community Service AU, and I am most likely not going to do anything else with it beyond appropriating these silly Good Place jokes. So, feel free to adopt the concept if y'all wanna??? Just make sure that Bill is still not allowed to swear, no matter what, full stop. It's gotta be a real linguistic corkblork of a situation for him, is all I'm sayin'.

Finally, have these bonus Good Place jokes, but with Handyman!Bill this time:

'Opposite tortures' doesn't sound so bad...at least until it's an all-powerful chaos entity known for torture saying it.

you may think i forgot mabel's cute pink cheeks but the truth is that i did in fact forget but then immediately stopped caring which makes it okay, SHHHHHHH

And, finally:

lmao this is shit

True facts, if you cram Season 1 Eleanor Shellstrop and Michael into a singular triangle shape, they turn into Bill Cipher. This is science, look it up. Or don't, and just trust the source that is me, bro.

Anyway, I should be in bed, y'all have fun with these, I guess. Tune in after like a week or so and maybe I'll have an addendum to my comic about how Bill was drawn naked for karaoke night. Because him actually being naked was not the only thing I considered as a plausible explanation. XD

Also if you see any inconsistencies or errors in any of these comics, No You Do Not :D

Also also, reblogs are rad as hell and I appreciate every single one, just don't repost, please and thanks. Every time a repost is made, an artist somewhere cries. :,)

[inkdrinkerworld]

spencer with an alt gf who's got tattoos, piercings, dyed hair and all that. i don't really mind what you do with it im just yearning for my man rn

Spencer introduces his gf to the team.

“Spencer stop fidgeting, you’re making me nervous.” You and your boyfriend are sat in a restaurant waiting for his teammates to arrive.

Spencer and you had hit the year mark and he’d finally felt it was time for his team to meet you.

They know he has a girlfriend, of that he’s never been shy about flaunting, but they’ve never actually met you.

“Sorry, sweetheart. Want another lemonade?” You shake your head, leaning into him to kiss his cheek.

“I’m okay Spence, it’s gonna be great.” You hope it will be. You want his friends and coworkers to like you but even you can realise how different you and Spencer are appearance wise.

Spencer’s all sweater vests and cute ties and cardigans, and you’re all visible tattoos, bright colored tops that stop over your naval to reveal a pretty piercing with a shell dangling on it and distressed jeans.

“Well hello pretty boy!” You recognize him as Derek. “And hello, pretty boy’s girlfriend.”

“Hi, Derek right?” He nods and you introduce yourself, Penelope right behind him and she can’t contain her grin.

“Oh you’re a badass, I already know it.” She says, pulling you in for a hug that you eagerly reciprocate.

JJ and Emily are next and then Hotch and Rossi.

“Where did you two meet?” Rossi asks and Spencer begins recalling the details of how you bumped into him on the subway, headphones on and how he’d helped you steady yourself while giving you all the details of how that was dangerous.

“It probably wasn’t the best first impression but I took his advice. And then we saw each other at that cute cafe and I had to give him my number because it was clearly not coincidental.”

Hotch smiles as you talk, a silent message passing between him and Spencer.

“It doesn’t bother you that he’s always away?” Derek asks and you shake your head.

“I’m not always easily available either,” his team frowns. “Spencer didn’t tell you?” You turn to him and find him blushing and you smile.

“I’m a linguist so most days I’m studying or teaching a class about what I’m studying. I also teach little kids a second language of their parents’ choosing. It’s a hard balance, but it’s fun.”

Rossi and Derek’s smiles are probably the widest. “You’re badass.” Derek says and you smile, cheeks hurting from his sincerity.

Emily chimes in for the first time, “Where do you get your tattoos done? They’re pretty cool.”

You grin again, Spencer chuckling when you say, “They also deter cannibals.”

Penelope and Hotch smile, “So you’re a not so secret nerd?” You shrug, not really knowing if you’d qualify.

“I mean, Spencer tells me crazy facts that I whip out sometimes but mostly I just have a couple things I like.”

The night ends spectacularly and Spencer can’t stop smiling as he walks with you. “So they’re nice,” you tell him and he nods.

“They all love you.” You feel your nerves release at that. “I think the girls will be inviting you to their monthly girl’s night soon enough.”

[basketonthedoorstepofthefbi]

Hello!!! I have a request if that’s okay with you. 💕

Would you maybe write a Spencer x quiet!reader? Where she doesn’t have the courage to talk to him because she’s too shy?

I don’t really have a plot in mind so that’s up to you!! I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with any ideas but hopefully it lets you write whatever you want. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And I read your other stories, you’re so underrated and amazing I love your wording when you write. 🥹🫶🏻🫶🏻

Hi Mary!! Thank you so much for your kind words c:

I did my best c: I hope you like it!

Round Table (Spencer Reid x shy!gn!reader)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x shy!gn!reader (if not gn please let me know, but I'm fairly certain it is!)

Word Count: 1538

Warnings: mentions of anxiety, but besides that none?

A/N: this was so fun c: i am really enjoying challenging myself with your guys' requests. hope you enjoy!!

------

You were an incredibly anxious person, which, honestly, was okay. You tried not to let your anxiety hinder your life too much, but like any other human being, sometimes it got in the way. It was frustrating, sure, knowing that a situation would be so much easier if you weren’t so anxious about it, but you reminded yourself often that you weren’t perfect, and neither was anyone else. 

Some people were afraid of heights, of the ocean, of needles. Some people had trouble going out into crowds or grew overstimulated in public places. 

You? You were painfully shy. There was always an adjustment period to being around new people.

Baristas, the bus driver, pharmacy techs, cashiers at the grocery store - you did just fine. But those were one-time interactions, brief discussions that you could compartmentalize. 

They came with a script to follow, with cue cards already queued up in your head as they occurred. You could put on an emotional mask for five minutes while the nurse at the clinic gave you a flu shot. You could smile and speak in your special voice labeled Getting Coffee, an octave higher than you usually spoke, in order to acquire your much-needed beverage. There was a clear goal in mind with each of these dialogues. Sure, you didn’t present as the most confident person in the world, but you always made it through conversations like these without stumbling over your words or being too terribly awkward.  

You didn’t succeed as much with deeper connections, with ones that took time to cultivate. You were a guarded person to begin with, with only a handful of people you felt truly close to. Vulnerability had always been difficult for you, but you supposed you were in the majority on that front. It took a while to become comfortable around coworkers, extended family, hell, even your therapist. You had to have time to adjust, to settle in. 

A lot of people in your life thought you were just socially awkward or even an agoraphobe, but you didn’t mind being around people. It was the intimacy, the connection, the having to give away little pieces of yourself, that made you anxious. It kept you from participating in conversations most of the time, usually only speaking unless spoken to. 

You liked your job as a linguistics and handwriting analyst in the FBI for that very reason. You didn’t have to say much  to people unless it was related to a case. With a clear goal in mind, a threat to neutralize, you could turn on that mechanical part of your brain that spouted off facts, information, theories. You didn’t have to tell anyone about your weekend, about your hopes and dreams or your favorite foods. 

You were consulting on a case for the Behavioral Analysis Unit - a serial killer who stalked his victims months before their murders, sending handwritten letters and using poetry to taunt them. Your supervisor had asked you to collaborate with the BAU, sending you to the sixth floor on your own. 

For the last two days, you’d been working closely with Dr. Spencer Reid - Spencer, he insisted you call him. Just a couple of years older than you, but still very young for his role in the FBI. He was friendly,  and very smart, and he rambled on about all kinds of things - 

Everything, actually. The Chinese food you’d had for lunch on the first day? He explained the origin of fortune cookies. Did you know their first appearance in the US was in San Francisco in the late 1800s? 

Pointing out a Dickinson line in one of the UnSub’s letters? Did you know only ten of Emily Dickinson’s poems were actually published when she was alive and the rest were posthumous? 

You often just nodded along and smiled, occasionally throwing in an oh, that’s very interesting to appear as an active listener. And you were an active listener. You did genuinely think he was interesting, and you found his info dumps to be incredibly endearing. But your contributions to the conversation were abysmal in comparison.

Beyond discussing patterns in the UnSub’s letters and what it might mean for each victim, you had no other fascinating information to share. You didn’t do well with small talk, and Spencer didn’t ask you any overtly personal questions. 

It wasn’t until close to the end of the second day spent in the conference room of the BAU’s office that Spencer asked you a direct question about yourself. 

There were three evidence boards set up, all full of scanned copies of the letters, each one pinned up meticulously by you and Spencer the day before. The large round table in the room had letters stacked out all around it, each one bagged in protective plastic. 

Spencer was standing in front of the evidence boards with his arms crossed over his chest, studying the photocopies with his head inclined to the side. 

He broke the silence you had been slowly settling into the past two days. “Your supervisor said you had a specialization in poetry?” 

You nodded, stepping over to the table and carefully lifting one of the letters up. You liked how he spoke as if you two were in the middle of a conversation, when in fact, it had been totally silent for the past half an hour, save for the soft puttering of the air conditioning vent.

“Studied a lot in undergrad,” you squeaked out, clearing your throat as you held the letter up the fluorescent light above you to examine the stationary. 

“What university did you attend?” Spencer asked, and you turned your head to find him inclining his head to the side. He actually wanted to know? 

“I went to Bennington College to study poetry,” you said softly, suddenly finding it difficult to focus on the letter in your hand. “But I went to graduate school at Georgetown. Master’s in Linguistics.” 

“Really? That’s fascinating,” Spencer commented, which caught you by surprise, especially because he didn’t sound the least bit sarcastic. “That combination of degrees is exceedingly rare. Generally people who major in poetry often either go on to complete as far up as a doctorate in the subject or  they stop at a Bachelor’s degree. The latter statistically don’t end up working in a field related to poetry, either, so their degree is basically useless.” 

You weren’t sure if you were supposed to be offended by that, so instead you just nodded your head politely. “Okay,” you murmured, biting your lip. 

“Can I ask you another question?” Spencer asked, and set the letter in your hand down on the table. You smoothed your hands over the fabric of your shirt and nodded. “Do I… do I make you uncomfortable?” 

You shook your head. “No,” you said assuredly, and then, a little more hesitantly, “…why would you ask me that?” 

Spencer turned to face you. “You’re just very quiet unless we’re discussing the case. Which is fine, of course, but I just… I don’t know. I thought maybe you were annoyed by me or I said something to offend you.” 

You felt guilt spread over you and your cheeks turned pink. The last thing you’d wanted was to make anyone feel bad who didn’t deserve it. And the very kind, helpful, and adorable Dr. Spencer Reid was the furthest from deserving to feel bad. 

 “I just don’t talk a lot,” you tried to explain. Your hand rubbed the spot where the top of your chest met the skin of your neck, an anxious habit you’d had for years. “I mean, I do with people I know, and that’s not to say I dominate the conversation by any means, but I just…” you realized you were rambling. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” you added, your voice just above a whisper. 

“Thank you,” Spencer’s lips flickered into a straight-lined smile, one you had seen several times over the past few days, often when unintentional eye contact was made across the table. “For clarifying, I mean, that I didn’t offend you.” He cleared his throat, and leaned against the round table, standing just a few feet from you. Still a very professional and comfortable distance, but closer than he had been before. “So, does that mean that if we got to know each other, you’d talk more?” The corners of his lips spread out and his smile grew. 

You tore your eyes away from his to look at the letter in your hand, the protective plastic around it crinkling between your fingers. You weren’t actually looking at the letter, though. You’d just needed somewhere - anywhere - else to look. “That’s generally how it goes,” you murmured, biting your lip. 

“So, if I were to, for example, ask you to meet me for dinner sometime, could the getting to know each other happen there?” 

Your eyes fluttered over to Spencer’s and you saw him smiling. You could tell by how he looked at you, with his head inclined just slightly to the side, that he was being fully serious. You nodded, unable to control the small smile on your face. 

Spencer grinned, and you could tell he couldn’t resist when he spoke again. “So, is that a yes?” 

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Hot-Hot Rock Debut: Super Mario Bros. Wonder

You know something I love about the Mario series? Its tendency to use reduplication to put emphasis on certain words. You thought your average everyday mountain was tall? Well this is a Tall Tall Mountain. You've never seen docks quite this dire before! And it's not even just adjectives that get in on the fun! Rock Rock Mountain, Ice Ice Outpost, I love that something can be more "rock" or "ice" than something else. Sometimes a word is so nice, you just wanna say it twice twice.

Hot-Hot Rocks are one of the latest additions to this long-running Mario trend, and also one of our latest Cubic Companions! You know, Blocks are very important to the Mario franchise, but how many enemies can you think of that are blocks...? The answer should be a lot. This was a Mod Hooligon Trick and you may or may not have fallen for it. I can't tell unless you tell me, alright?

Hot-Hot Rocks first appear in the level Hot-Hot Hot! (this is an example of a linguistic phenomenon known as "threeduplication"), where they serve as one of the primary obstacles. As long as Hot-Hot Rocks are Not-Hot, you can stand on them like any other platform. But when they start glowing red, you better get out of the kitchen, because Mario and friends can't stand the heat!

Of course, a little water is all it takes to turn Hot-Hot Rocks into Not-Hot Rocks for good, so spray them with Elephant Mario's trunk or a precariously placed pot of water, and they won't be able to hurt you anymore!

Hot-Hot Rocks have a symbiotic relationship with another new enemy called Kerpop, which will probably get its own post someday, likely courtesy of Mod Chikako. These guys act like Goombas most of the time, but when they touch a hot Hot-Hot Rock, they will pop and begin jumping around! How cute! This attention to detail is what makes Super Mario Bros. Wonder truly special.

That's about all there is to Hot-Hot Rocks, but we're not quite done yet, because this post is about to get all philisolophical(sic)! Because as Weird Mario Enemies, an important part of that title-we-love-to-defy-and-love-bringing-up-how-much-we-love-to-defy-it is knowing what an "enemy" is to begin with. And so we must ask ourselves: what is an enemy? What separates an enemy from an obstacle? And is there even a meaningful difference...?

I can't say I can give you an answer. But I can give you a bunch of thought exercises under the cut! You like those, right?

You do like those! Thanks for looking under the cut, I really appreciate it.

So if we want to have a discussion of what counts as an "enemy" in the context of a video game, we should probably have a rough definition of what we think an "enemy" is in the first place. It's tough to look for edge cases of something that doesn't have any edges.

I personally think a good starting definition is along the lines of "a character designed with the intent of hurting the player," or something roughly like that. And now that we have a definition, we can scrutinize the hell out of it!

On the left we have Thwomp. Thwomp is a classic Mario Enemy. The kind you'd see featured on @regularmarioenemies. We invite Thwomp over for dinner every Sunday, and Thwomp always smashes the dinner table because that's just what Thwomp does. On the right we have Karamenbo. Karamenbo does the exact same thing that Thwomp does, but it doesn't have a face! And despite the fact they act the exact same way, this simple design difference leads to most people considering Thwomp an "enemy" and Karamenbo an "obstacle"!

Is the difference between an enemy and an obstacle really something so simple as having a face? And if so...

What do we make of Lava Bubble, another Classic Mario Enemy that only sometimes has a face? Are they only an enemy when they have a face? Or are they allowed to always be enemies in spite of their occasional facelessness? Or alternatively, are they prohibited from being enemies despite their occasional befacedness? I don't know, and my "the fact I am writing for this blog" tells me I should probably be an expert in this field!

And what about Moonsnake? What could easily be dismissed as a simple obstacle like a Spike Bar is revealed by in-game text to be a living creature! Does this allow it to be classified as an enemy instead? Does something become an enemy just because there's text saying it's alive? Do ghosts and robots count as alive? Is a thorny flower an enemy instead of an obstacle, or does the specific choice of the word "creature" make a meaningful distinction here?

What if I told you there's official text calling Karamenbo a type of Thwomp, does that change your perception of it?

And we haven't even started touching on the idea of whether or not enemies need to hurt you. Let me ask you an important question...

Are Hoppos enemies? They can not hurt you. Whenever you touch them, you just bounce off, and sure, you might be bounced into something that can hurt you, but Hoppo is just an animal. Is it really Hoppo's fault? Could Hoppo be charged with manslaughter for bouncing Mario into a bottomless pit? Are bottomless pits a type of enemy?

Flomps, Bomps, these can not hurt you directly, but they can cause you to get hurt! And they're relatives of Thwomp, too! Do these factors matter in defining them as an enemy? Bomps act basically the same as the Push-Blocks from Super Mario Odyssey, and the wiki classifies those as mere platforms!

Is mayonnaise an enemy? I don't even know anymore!

Basically, enemies are a subclass of obstacle but there's not really a meaningful distinction that separates them. Literally the only thing that separates an enemy from an obstacle is the Vibes. Nothing else matters! Sorry! But what does that mean for our blog...?

Absolutely nothing! As I've said multiple times, we stopped caring about that distinction ages ago. We're hardly even a Mario blog anymore! I just wanted to subject you to my ramblings because I've had this in the back of my mind for a while now and well I had to say it somewhere.

And since I subjected you to several paragraphs of ramblings that amount to basically nothing... am I an enemy...?

[he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle]

My God I Love This Show

I think I've rewatched that final breakroom scene from Jun & Jun episode 2 at least a dozen times since it first aired yesterday, and I need to rave about it in its own post rather than just tags.

That scene is... perfection.

First, for non-Korean speakers, it's important to note they've already dropped into banmal with each other in private (the most intimate and casual linguistic form of address). This establishes them as societal equals, despite their wildly different social positions as boss and employee. It was an intentional choice by Choi Jun at the end of episode 1, when he took off his glasses, leaned over the seated Lee Jun in his office and greeted him properly with "오랜만이야" (Long time no see.) The fact that he dropped into banmal here was likely a bigger clue to Lee Jun that they know each other intimately than the actual words Choi Jun chose.

So in the breakroom scene. (!!!) Choi Jun is radiating confident dom energy and Lee Jun is INTO IT. He begins by making sure Lee Jun wasn't hurt by scalding hot coffee and telling Lee Jun to take off his shirt. But then he does the most batshit dom thing ever and starts removing HIS OWN CLOTHES. He explains its because he has a spare shirt for himself and plans to dress Lee Jun in the shirt he's been wearing all day. Why? Because he has a scent kink! And he just says it out loud. He wants Lee Jun to smell like he's HIS.

He checks Lee Jun out like a starving man and asks, "would my size fit you?" WHICH IS THE WILDEST BLATANT SEXUAL INNUENDO and Lee Jun KNOWS its innuendo because he clutches his pearls with his hand over his heart and replies "don't people say you worry too much?" causing Choi Jun to call him cute. Lee Jun can't help but smile shyly at the compliment, and Choi Jun pounces, immediately switching gears and ordering him to hurry up and take off his shirt. Lee Jun asks "right here?" as if that's the only weird or concerning thing about being told to disrobe, so Choi Jun takes off his own vest. This man is doing everything in his power to both rattle and comfort his cute former idol childhood bestie, and I AM HOLDING MY BREATH FROM THE SEXUAL TENSION.

And then we get the first truly jaw-dropping scene. Choi Jun calls Lee Jun high maintenance (the Korean phrase is better translated as "You're a handful."). Lee Jun bristles and apologizes. Choi Jun steps closer and tells him he doesn't need to apologize; it's a compliment. He LIKES it when he needs to put his hands on someone to care for them and it makes them smell like him; it makes them feel like THEY ARE HIS. The collar caress!! The neck tie grab and pull!!! The audacity of starting to unbutton Lee Jun's shirt for him since he's taking too long!!!! MY HEAD EXPLODING.

Lee Jun freaks out a little and puts distance between them again, so they have another fun little conversation filled with innuendo about repaying favors American style, which Choi Jun says involves less clothing!

And then we get the second jaw-dropping scene right on the heels of the first. Choi Jun says Lee Jun has grown fiestier (he likes them feisty? just a guess), but that he's still "squishy" on the inside. Lee Jun is already looking 10 times more secure in this conversation, unhesitatingly flirting back through the entire next few dialog exchanges. The eye contact! THE MOST PERFECTLY EXECUTED WAIST GRAB!!

The "you can teach me!!!" The way Lee Jun takes that as permission to manhandle Choi Jun right back, grabbing his hands and moving him around like a marionette!!!!

THE NECK GRAB!!!!!

And that final last line from Choi Jun that sent me SCREAMING INTO MY PILLOWS:

Looking at the rolled up napkin in his hand, "Malleable is something soft..." and then looking at Lee Jun's lips like the very thirsty man he is, he finally makes eye-contact again and finishes with, "squishy is... something sexy?" Lee Jun gulps. Cut scene.

MY HEART CANNOT HANDLE HOW PERFECT THIS WAS. From the dialog to the body language to the eye-work to the kink exposure to the RIDICULOUSLY HOT EXPOSED FOREARMS ON CHOI JUN. I am in awe and Korea is FEEDING ME.

@absolutebl this seems like your jam

[velvetwyrme]

doozi's undertale fic recs round THREE

As requested, here are EVEN MORE FIC RECS. This round is mostly reader inserts, with a dash of platonic and non-reader fics at the end.

As usual, this is really really long, so take your time and enjoy! Some of them are uhhhh, pretty spicy, so please make sure to check the warnings and tags and act accordingly.

Please tread carefully while reading, check tags, take breaks, drink water and HAVE FUN <3

The STATUS of each fic is labelled as such: Finished, Ongoing/Unfinished, Discontinued. (Unless the author specified that the fic is Discontinued, on Indefinite Hiatus, or otherwise abandoned the work, I will mark it as Ongoing/Unfinished. Oneshots are also marked as such.)

Spicy (Explicit) and/or Dark fics have also been labelled if relevant. (I won’t mark ones with just suggestive themes/moments, since I cant guarantee I’ll catch all of them. Similarly, unless there is consistent graphic death, gore, or otherwise prevalent upsetting topics, I [probably] won’t mark it as dark.)

MULTICHAPTERS

Ghost Hunting With Skeletons - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

ONE OF THE FICS OF ALL TIME!!!

Go "ghost hunting" with Cash while looking for machine parts! Become Sans' weird coworker! Lie and keep secrets with Red! Get tangled up with a mysterious shadowy figure who spontaneously spawns in your house- wait, what was that last one?

Tilikum - Various Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

I'm sure everyone and their dog knows of this fic by now but listen. If you haven't read this, somehow, please do yourself a favour and read this immediately.

I love mer fics and I especially love CEPHALOPOD SIRENS. (Blue and Red are very good in this fic but SKULL!!!! MY PRECIOUS BOY!!)

The Mirror Bay Depths - Various Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

And speaking of MER FIC- if you like merskeletons, mysteries, manipulation and mmmmmmmmmm...magical workarounds for linguistic difficulties (i made the alliteration work, see?) Then you'll LOVE this fic!

Dive into The Mirror Bay Depths and get charmed by a buncha mers! It's super cute and also has a serious undertone of "UH OH" once the mystery begins to come to light.

Got Crabs? - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Got crabs????? Hilarious soulmate AU where you and have some of the stupidest words written on each other's bodies and it all goes GREAT.

You do in fact, got crabs.

It's Just A Game - Sans/Reader - Finished

CYOAs my beloved. This was recced to me recently and I got caught up with all the new updates and it's sooooo good auugugjhfkgh,, I love existential crises and weird metafiction.

cat ~/.zsh_history - Sans/Reader - Finished

If you enjoyed It's Just A Game, or other fics like it, you'll probably like this too!!!! Player-character reality simulation existential angst all wrapped up into a neat little fic <3333 It feels like a weight on my heart.

The Understudy - Sans/Reader - Finished

THE anti-harem fic. As in, THE anti-harem fic that inspired the structure of every other anti-harem fic. It's a piece of fantastic storytelling and is a literal pioneer of a genre.

It was a fic that was intended to flip a genre on it's head, and it's fascinating to me that it became a genre of its own. Splendidly written and is the cause of 99% of my confusion during my return to the fandom because all of a sudden there were a buncha anti-harems and I was like WTF ARE THESE jkdhfgkjdfk,,

I went into it intending to find out the history behind anti-harems, and then got sucked in completely. You can guess the general premise, but MAN does plot hit hard!!!!!!

And speaking of anti-harems...

The Eye of a Judge - Various, Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

What if anti-harem fic, except the terrible GF was EVEN MORE terrible. Really really fun concept with what happens to the reader, and oh so fucked up just in general. Make sure to check the tags on this one.

The Faults in Our Souls - W.D. Gaster/Reader - Finished

This fic is super sweet, the reader falls into the Underground and gets taken in by Gaster and his two boys, eventually falling in love and becoming a parental figure for the skelebros. But then the incident with the core happens...

Pros & Cons - Sans/Reader - Finished/Series

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

I try not to put too much NSFW in the lists on this blog but uhhhh *looks at the rest of the list* it's fine. I like these fics too much not to add them.

This one in particular is AMAZING and really funny to boot. The reader wakes up after a one night stand with very few memories of the night before and debates the pros and cons of checking who they slept with thsjfbbfkfbk

The fic right after is ALSO hilarious because it gives so much more context and life to the world I love it dearly. Also the smut is great but yknow gbflgbkf I'm TRYING to keep this relatively SFW

Eau de résistance - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

Underfell flavoured slave AU which gets really, really complicated emotions-wise. It's one of the few UT fics I still keep up with pretty actively atm, and it's because the mystery has me hooked. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

Other than the obvious premise, it gets into some darker topics, so if you're sensitive to that sorta stuff, please read the tags and tread carefully if you decide to read! Otherwise, enjoy!

The Party Incident and Other Embarrassing Anecdotes - Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

Takes a deep breath. Ok so, I debated adding this fic. Not because I don't like it, but because I haven't actual read this in years, so I don't know how it stands up to the test of time.

I don't usually like adding fics that I can't certifiably recommend, but I also feel like if you haven't read this, you haven't Really experienced Undertale reader inserts. It's like. a classic.

I still remember vividly cringing from secondhand embarrassment SO many times while reading BUT I wouldn't trade in that experience for anything- I fucking loved this fic. It was wonderful and terrible and so incredibly fun, and honestly I kinda don't want to reread it so I can keep it in the shiny veneer of nostalgia forever.

Smells Like Chalk and a Cockatoo - Sans/Reader - Finished

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

Uhhhh, I don't actually have a good segue for this, but this one also has really complicated relationships. There is a happy ending! It's a fucking rollercoaster to get there though.

It's kinda in the same vein as The Party Incident for me, I consider it a classic, and it's also... very 2016/17. Take that how you will. I don't know if I'd recommend this fic, but I definitely think you should read it, if you know what I mean. I'm VERY fond of it despite my extremely conflicted emotions. It's definitely not for everyone though.

Oh, also it has the most fucked up form of skeleton reproduction ever <3 That's okay though, because it results in one of my favourite fankids ever. I'm love my boyyy Impact ;w;!!!!

Bonetrast - Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

The reader in this is terrible and I'm fascinated. I like reading about characters being antagonistic towards each other sometimes, so I really enjoyed this and I wanna see where the author takes this. Make sure to read the tags.

A Drink That Hits Right In the Bones - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

This one... the reader in this kinda sucks too jhsfjkdf but in a different way. Once again fascinating as hell!!! Drunk, gay, in denial and homophobic, this reader is NOT having a great time.

I, however, reading it, am having a fantastic time!

breakfast combo - Sans/Reader - Finished

Veryyyyyy cute! The reader gets bothered about their crush on Sans by UF!Sans. Love the banter. Oneshot turned twoshot, it's a nice little read :D

Penned to you - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Penpals!!! I'm loving this so far <3 Horrortale Pap and the reader become penpals and subsequently friends. Sans is... around, probably not being spooky and weird. I'm excited to see where this one goes >:00

Grounding Your Ego - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Soulmate AU again!!! The reader has a set of REALLY terrible words written around their neck, and... they're mute. :]

ALSO the little snippets of world building are so delicious and have stuck in my mind like the- wait fuck I just realised the title is a pun what the fuck how'd I miss that before- LIKE THE GROUNDS IN PAPYRUS' COFFEE.

The Sacrificial Skeleton and the Labyrinth of Gods - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

:] *points vigourously at the warning* The smut is a pretty ingrained part once it gets to it, but I couldn't NOT add this fic.

Anyway I'm a little obsessed with this fic. There's a skeleton reader, who's a necromancer! The skeletons are thought to be gods, but actually they got isekai'd! It's a WILD RIDE and it's surprisingly good??? It feels like one of those webtoons or manga that you look at the cover/summary for and go *??????* at, but then you start reading it and go "OH, THIS IS REALLY FUN ACTUALLY."

There's pretty intense language barriers between the skeletons and the reader for a lot of the fic, but I love that sorta stuff, so that just makes it better for me lol. I adore the dynamics between the characters, they feel so diametrically opposed sometimes it's great.

Nothing to see here. - Various/Reader, Various Sanscest - Ongoing/Unfinished

Oh this one!!! Should probably actually go under misc but it's okay. This fic asks the question of: What if there was a MASSIVE multiversal mashup and some of the residents shared an apartment building where they now live completely normal domestic lives?

It's got /Reader stuff as well as a fun selection of Sanscest and platonic roommate content, and each chapter is semi-self contained and really fun.

Magic Bitty Bits™ - Various/Reader, Various Sanscest - Ongoing/Unfinished

Another one that should technically be under misc. I love bitty fics... and I love really fucked up shit happening to characters <3 Take are to note the warnings at the beginning of chapters, but hhrhghh I'm on the edge of my seat every time something happens/is revealed. LIKE WHAT!! WHAT!!!!!!! AHH-

The Monster Who Will Always Wait - Nightmare!Sans - Finished

Small kraken mer becomes BIG KRAKEN MER!!!!!! Leviathan sized drama, with some sweet romance. I followed this one from the day it was posted to the day it finished and I loved every second.

Dire Wolf - Horror!Swapfell!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

You get two new coworkers, who have some unusual habits surrounding food, leading you to make them lunch!! As you grow closer, their histories and rivalries come to light. It's hella good and I love the character dynamics.

Uncomfortably Similar Situations - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Finished

Horrortale!Sans brings you home like one would a starving stray cat. There are ups and downs but everything turns out alright :]!!

The Sound of the Sea - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

More mer content!!! But Underfell Sans this time ! There are only 3 chapters so far and it has me wanting more!! I love this so much...

Sweet Deceptions - Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Fake dating!!!!! What more can I say ;D Well, I can say a lot more, like how fantastic this fic is with the escalation of the fake relationship, but I'll leave yall to find that out for yourselves :]

Dream Catcher, Nightmare Snatcher - Nightmare!Sans - Ongoing/Unfinished

HRHHGH Nightmare gets stuck in a Venom-esque situation with you, and you both suffer the consequences. You're both menaces to each other in this, it's great.

Coffee and Chaos - Underfell!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Reader ends up inheriting their mom's tenants, a pair of skeleton brothers. It's a nice slice of life!! Also, he/they reader ftw \o/!!

Canids love bones - Bad Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

In this, the reader is a monster with a really fluffy tail and a tragic past. They just keep getting bothered by these skeleton dudes and eventually end up joining them. Fun read! I like monster readers.

Train Station Blues - Mafiafell!Sans/Reader - Discontinued

Sadly discontinued :( Still a really solid fic and an enjoyable read!!! I adore the 1920s as a setting...

What is This, A Hallmark Movie? - Underswap!Papyrus/Reader - Finished

Christmas fic!! The reader does not like Christmas, and Stretch tries his best to get them to enjoy it regardless. It doesn't work out too well... but everything is alright in the end. I loved Stretch's determination jkfdhgkjdfg hes trying so hard...

Story of the perfect vessel - Various Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Really interesting premise!!! You're a parasite that took over this dying human's body and are now puppeteering it around. Then you meet a buncha skeletons, but you're still a parasite with no sense of what being human is like!! Love me some weird concepts.

America's Unluckiest (Luckiest) Almost-Astronomer - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Yaayyyy! You get isekai'd into a hot mess of a universe, brimming with skeletons, skeletons and more skeletons! There's some weird stuff going on, but surely it'll be fine.

All is Fair in Love and Prank Wars - Sans/Reader - Finished

Hey! Another 2016 fic! The reader starts a prank war with Sans. Gets angsty but everything gets better in the end. I really enjoyed it :> Reader is named in this, but for some reason that didn't bother me like it usually does lol

Mr. Fear - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Finished

This is an interesting one. It's set in a mashup of various AUs (e.g. Swapfell Alphys and Underfell Papyrus) but not in like. a multiversal machine malfunction sorta deal. Anyway, it's got a fun plot and I really enjoyed it :]

Cheshire Kitten - Underswap!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

The reader is a shapeshifter who prefers to be a cat! (Mood) And they use that to deal with problems large and small. It's real sweet and makes me also want to be able to turn into a shapeshifting cat.

it's just me and an overly enthusiastic skeleton; trying to solve a murder. - Underswap!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Ah, I love ridiculously long titles. Saves me time. The title also acts as a summary, and it's really fun!! Monster murders must be horrible to make a case for, since you can't inspect the body for evidence...

Ship of bones - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

PIRATES!!!!! I love the action and drama in this one, it's so fun! Also features a lot of scary skeletons. I loved reading about the reader giving them the slip >:3c!!

A Sea of Hope - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

MORE pirates!! This one features a skeleton reader <33 I love the backstory and lore... also the reader is so teeny compared to Axe :DDD

You Know Where To Find Me - Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

I am so invested in this premise (Papyrus is the mascot of monsterkind and you are his assistant) and both of you are tired after having a string of terrible employers/employees kjhkjdfg,, I'm so excited to see where this goes, it's been fun so far.

=========================

ONESHOTS

Seeing Double - Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

Twin shenanigans. TWIN SHENANIGANS AT COFFEE SHOPS! I can't say more without spoiling things so just go read it!!! Reader(s) are named but moreso for Twin purposes.

Somethin' Special - Underswap!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

More coffee shop AU! Very cute. SO cute. They're both awkward and silly and its SO sweet.

Daguerreologue - Sans/Reader, Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot/Series

Actually a oneshot that's part of a series, but I just liked this one the most (you should also go read the rest of the series, it's really good too!!!)

Feels like a little snapshot of a soft, warm life, worn by time. It's just a really nice fic! Good for feelin fuzzy inside.

Looking for Something - Sans/Reader - Oneshot

The reader loves to people watch, and draw the people they see. Some of which, are monsters ;)! Superrrrrrrrrr cute. Suuuuuuuuuper super cute.

FIGHT ME!! - Sans/Reader - Oneshot

Not to be mistaken for Fight Me! by MsMK or Fight Me! by Little_old_lady (both of which are very good!!!!!!!) This fic DOES however use the same basic premise/prompt except with Sans as the nurse and it's SIMILARLY fantastic. I love nurse Sans in this.

If yall know of more UT fics with this title/concept please tell me so I can make this stupid joke a third time.

Dates are dumb - Sans/Reader - Oneshot

Sans has a really bad blind date, but his server comes to the rescue!! Really cute!

This was supposed to be smut, idk what happened. - Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

As the title says, notably not smut. Sexy and very charged? Absolutely.

It's a soulmate AU where the reader is a mob boss making a trade of sorts with their rival, Sans. He shows off the goods before the trade is accepted.

Light of My Life - Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

Very sweet!! The reader has magic that allows them to hear magic, and they let Papyrus listen in.

and i will love you on purpose - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

As you've probably noticed, 99% of the oneshots I rec here are super cute, and this is no exception djkfgkjgfh 5+1 of kissing Horror, it's bitesized and adorable.

Stargazing - Sans/Reader - Oneshot

A little slice of happiness set before the barrier went up. Sans and the reader are kids and it's very very sweet.

It's Raining Right Here (They/Them Edition) - Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

Veryyyy cute snapshot of romance with Papyrus <3!!!!

General Misconception - Megalosomnia!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

I love the Megalosomnia AU and I also love Papyrus. This has both :] I won't spoil things, but General just wants to be helpful :))

And speaking of Megalosomnia...

Delirious - Megalosomnia - Dr. Baggs/Reader - Oneshot

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

>:3c I usually try avoid too much explicit content for these lists but listennnnnnnn I love good and fun characterisation MORE than any conviction I have to that, plus I've broken that rule already.

Anyway senseless justification aside, I freakin loveeeee how much characterisation gets packed in here, it's delicious!! You get to know so much about the dynamics and workings of the relationships in this universe it's great.

Relearning - Ink!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

The reader breaks her arm and has to relearn how to draw. Cue Ink! It's really sweet!!

Turn The Page - Swapfell!Skelebros/Reader - Oneshot

This one is actually part of a series but I just really like this one hjsdfgjhf,, I love festivals and markets!! The reader is so awkward and jumpy and I'm like. ah. a kindred spirit.

Meet Cute Oneshots - Various - Oneshot/Series

Cheating again by linking a series. As the title implies, it's a bunch of meet cutes!! My favorites (as of writing) are the second, fourth and fifth in the series ^^!!

the thing about axe - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

You go for a nice walk in the woods with Axe :) I love how it this one plays with emotions and atmosphere for the audience, because the reader (character) is mostly oblivious to Axe's history.

hottie hotline - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

Really sweet and funny. Red gets stuck in an elevator. THE FUCKING ENDING GOT ME. HRHFKFJFKDNDK

A Conversation Starter - Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

First times for both of them! A snapshot of these two stumbling through a conversation with a human/monster for the first time. It's adorable.

Soulmate of the Century - Nightmare!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

Soulmate AU where you can't harm your soulmate. You really just wanted some ramen, man.

Kabedon - Swapfell!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

Kabedon the skeleton!!! Razzy doesn't get the appeal, so you explain it to him ;))

Cuddles of Doom - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

DOOMYYYYY!!! I love the dialogue here. Doomy is the most precious kitty ever and Papyrus is very cute.

Café - Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

Short and sweet!! (Lightly) tsundere Papyrus is very cute dfjkghkfjg <3

A Blue Valentine - Underswap!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

It's Valentines, and you're crushin'~ Both of them are soooooooo sweet in this.

You'd Be Goo Where You Stand - Sans/Reader - Oneshot

True to the title I am goo where I stand. I'm all gooey and gushy it's so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeee. THEY'RE MARRIIIIIEDDDD,,,,, and there's a sequel??? SO cute.

First Meeting - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

UF!Papyrus is a very worried parent and the reader is sweet as hell. I just think there's also something really funny about Papyrus calling Frisk a SLIPPERY SNAKE jkdhfjghfdg

=========================

MISC. / OTHER

Full Deck - ? - Ongoing/Unfinished

Hysterical flip of every reader insert ever written. Can be simply summed up as "skeletons desperately dodging various reader's advances", but that is nowhere near close to describing this fic. It's really funny, and if you haven't read it, you should.

Not quite a /reader, so it goes here lolol. The reader is more something that happens to the skeletons.

No fin new about it - Bad Sanses||Nightmare's Gang&Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

SUBNAUTICA AU!! With timeline fuckery! I just like big mer skeletons. And Subnautica. It's a real fun time.

Bits Of Spaghetti - Various&Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

This fic treats bitties in a really interesting way!! Veryyy cool origins, and very interesting dynamics between characters. Reader is an old man, and he just kinda wants to make puppets and dolls and have a nice quiet life. Unfortunately, skeletons.

Don't give up, Y/n! - Various&Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

I do not have any kids but this fic makes me feel like a worried parent. It also makes me feel like I need to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. It's great, really. Just makes me so stressed. They're just a kid... definitely heed the tags for this one.

Down The Mountain, Under The Door - Underswap!Papyrus&Reader - Oneshot

Monsters are giant sized !! Or humans are tiny. Either way, Underswap Papyrus comforts the reader after accidentally spooking them pretty badly. I love myself some good ol' unintentional fearplay and intentional comfort.

The Bucket List - Various&Reader - Finished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

Hoo boy. The reader creates a bucket list, intending to die at the end. It's story about depression and recovery and it's really really good.

Heart on the Table - Ongoing/Unfinished

MADE ME CRYYY,,, Sans and Pap end up taking care of Frisk and honestly just go read it it's very sweet and sad and good. Frisk is just a kid!!!!!! AHHH

Broken Bones (and Sticks and Stones) - Finished

CRIES!!!!!! You know Handplates AU. I know Handplates AU. Featuring: extremely complex familial feelings!!!! Papyrus has a kid, and she is the SWEETEST. Another of my favorite fankids!! FLORAAAAAA <33

This of course, with Gaster being Gaster in this AU, makes everything even more complicated. It's really good and made me cry. Please read it. Papyrus is the best mom.

Jamais Vu - Oneshot

HGH... this one is like a punch to the gut but in a really good way. Both because of the absolutely incredible writing and also because it was the first Undertale fic that this author has posted since 2017, and gave me a scare when I opened my email.

Letters to a Friend - Oneshot

Another by the same author, but from 2016. My HEART?????? The King Papyrus ending always hurts me so... hhhrhhhhghjkdf,,

OH, I WAS BEING SARCASTIC - Finished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

It's more Papyrus Angst! This is just going to happen every time I do one of these, probably.

He would never take a vacation for any reason...

Sonata - Finished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

More Papyrus Angst. Sometimes a melody can say more than words.

Broken Trust (Re-upload) - Finished

What's this!! Even more angst?! You bet! It's Swap flavoured this time though.

Sans is not actually a monster, and Papyrus is horrified when he finds out. Very very good and sad, with a happy ending. Paps is not great in this, but he comes around :( I really really love the concept of this fic, and I think it was executed really well.

I'm Feeling Fine, Kid - Finished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

Soooooooooooo fucked up but it's also like. one of the formative fics of my existence. I could've sworn this was in one of my other lists, but apparently not. Fucked me up big time back when I first read it sdjkhjhf, read this if you wanna hurt and then get tentatively put back together.

If you've read Flowey Is Not A Good Life Coach and you liked that, you might like this too. Lots of Papyrus Angst, but this one has even more Sans Angst!

Stones and a Glass House - Oneshot

[Warning: Contains Discussions of Explicit Content.]

Want a break from the sudden deluge of angst??? Try this, it's kinda a crackfic, and very funny.

Love when brothers get to tease each other mercilessly. They talk pretty candidly about explicit content, so heed the warning LMAO. Very very funny though.

=========================

SANSCEST/PAPCEST

AH SURPRISE! I didn't want to make a whole new list since I have way less of these on hand, but I also really wanted to recommend them lol. If this ain't your thing, then this list ends here -u-)b

fox in the coop - Sanscest (Dust/Horror/Crop) - Ongoing/Unfinished

Ouuuhhhhh I am so unwell over this fic. It hurts so good. Hidden identity bullshit to the max!! I don't even know where to begin with this one, but it's fantastic, go read the summary at least. Dust is so normal about everything. Totally.

Also, Dust gets chickens!!

Colors - Papcest (Spicyhoney || Underfell!Papyrus/Underswap!Papyrus) - Ongoing/Unfinished

Ahhhhh language barriers my beloved. Falling in love despite language barriers my beloved!!!

It's got some real good drama and lovely lovely writing. I love it a whole lot :]]

VILLAIN HOTLINE - Sanscest (Bad Sans Poly) - Ongoing/Unfinished

Bad Sans Chatfic. Wait wait wait hear me out!!! COME BACK. THERES AN ACTUAL STORY.

The chatfic parts are pretty fun, and the developing horror plot even more so! Universes and people are glitching, which spells a bad time for everyone!!!

You Have One (1) Unread Message - Sanscest (Bad Sans Poly) - Ongoing/Unfinished

Similar to the one above, this fic has a similar concept (crack chatfic that devolves into plot and horror)

Genuinely quite terrifying, even when viewed through Killer's strange apathetic POV (which is ALSO fascinating in it's own right).

Little (NOT LITTLE) Red Riding Hood - Papcest (Spicyhoney) - Finished

Really fun twist on Little Red Riding Hood!! Red also gets to wear a frilly nightcap and nightgown in this, which is a fun image.

So You Didn't Want to Marry a Mage - Papcest (Spicyhoney + BG. Mapleblossom) - Ongoing/Unfinished

Ahhh I love fics where a character gets to learn magic from another character... this one is hella cute!!! I love a lot of this author's works but this one in particular is one of my favourites :>

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Did you have fun scrolling forever? I had fun putting this together.

There are a total of 90 fics here! I wanted to do 99 since it's the 999999999th anniversary of Undertale this year, but I'm tired so 90 will do. That's already so many. 90 in fact. Also my phone started to lag while scrolling so perhaps it's for the best.

If yall have any recs for ME, please drop them by my askbox, I (obviously) love reading jkshdgjkfh,,, I'm generally up for rereading stuff, so dw if you reckon I've read something before :]!!

Also, if you haven't already, you should check out my FIC REC MASTERLIST for previous (and future) fic rec lists (from me, specifically).