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rhub4rb · 5 years ago

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Of Birds and Bugs

AO3

Ch. 1 Ch.2 Ch.3 Ch.4 Ch.5 Ch.6 Ch.7

-_-_-

It had been an awful day.

Marinette sighed as the final bell rang and the students got up from their seats, preparing to head home.

She could hear Alya and Lila snickering behind their hands as she picked up her backpack, and she could feel the glaring eyes of her classmates boring into her neck as she stood up.

Marinette took a deep breath.

These days came, all dependant on how Lila was feeling. Sometimes, Lila would be getting all the attention in the world, praise, love and admiration flooding to her, and she would breathe it in like fresh air, as if she had been drowning. Other times, she would be bored, and then she would look to Marinette for entertainment, hunting her down and burn her at the stake.

It was awful.

But Marinette had learned to live with it, for some time. In the beginning, the promise, idea, and the hope that Adrien had her back, motivated her enough to keep going. When that promise fell through, Marinette clambered to Uncle J and Clara, drowned herself in the lyrics, and revived herself with the melody and beat.

She sighed, looking at Adrien's seat.

It admittedly took a while, but eventually, they were no longer in whatever the hell the Lila situation was, together. It had hurt, but Marinette was quick to get over it. Over him.

"Of course I was invited to the charity gala tomorrow," Lila said, eyelashes fluttering. "but I'm not sure if I'll be able to go."

The class gathered around the liar, drawn like a moth to the flame, but Marinette just rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"You see, I have this important conference call with Prince Ali tomorrow, and I really can't miss it." Lila amended.

"Girl, I'm sure you'll be able to figure something out, so many famous people are gonna be there!" Alya exclaimed excitedly.

Losing Alya had been like a slap in the face.

She was probably the last person Marinette had expected to lose, but she had been the first to pack her bags and leave. Alya and Lila left the class. Marinette didn't care.

She stopped caring a couple of years ago.

As Marinette headed towards the door of the classroom, she didn't notice the foot that discreetly shot out, tripping her up, but she was quick to regain her balance, looking around in disgruntled confusion. When her eyes landed on the retreating backs of Alya and Lila, both of them cackling loudly, she just let out another sigh.

She had better things to worry about than the people Alya chose to hang out with.

The upcoming days would be busy for Marinette, so there was no point in wasting time thinking about a bond long broken.

She and Master Fu had been meeting frequently, her training for becoming the next Guardian beginning to get more and more serious.

The only "positive" thing Marinette could think came from the whole Lila situation, was all of the extra free time she had gotten.

Master Fu's place had always been a place of comfort for Marinette, and after the day that she had, it was a comfort that was much needed. Dealing with Lila was draining, especially on the days were Lila seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed.

So, as Marinette stepped inside the parlor, she couldn't help but take a deep breath, finally letting the tension leave her shoulders.

Thoughts about Lila could take a break, with Master Fu, matters of the miraculous came first, and that required a clear mind and a clear soul. As Marinette took a seat, after a polite greeting to Master Fu and Wayzz, a cup of tea was quickly placed in front of her, and they were ready to begin. For the last couple of days, they had been discussing the severity of the situation with Chat Noir, and whether or not they should be taking more drastic measures.

"Marinette, I hope you've been well." Master Fu had always been polite, and he knew that the upcoming discussion was one that made Marinette uncomfortable, so he was easing her into it. The topic of changing partners was rarely a very nice conversation.

"You as well," Marinette replied.

She closed her eyes, rolled her shoulders, breathing in for 7 seconds, breathing out for 11 seconds, before she opened her eyes again, her expression serious as she looked at Master Fu.

"It's getting worse with Chat Noir." It was a statement, but Marinette nodded anyways.

"He's getting out of control," Marinette noted.

The last Akuma attack had been intense, but Chat Noir refused to take action.

Marinette had turned him down again that day, so he was in a particularly bad mood. He had thrown another tantrum, and Marinette had barely won.

"I know."

The conversation replayed itself in Marinette's head all through practice with Clara.

It was a monthly thing between her and Clara, they would meet up at the dance studio, and then go through Marinette's newest choreography. It was a nice little thing they had going on, which was why it made it so frustrating for Marinette that she had a hard time enjoying it. She had been distracted the entire time, and Clara had taken notice by the end of the practice.

"Care to tell me what's wrong, or do you want me to find out myself what's going on?"

Marinette let out a sigh, letting her shoulders droop.

"I... I don't know."

Clara hummed in thought, before a mischievous grin spread across her face.

"You've been distracted," Clara noted, grin growing wider. "tell me, is it someone attractive?"

Marinette snorted, shaking her head at the rhyming star.

"I wish." Marinette sighed. "Lila was just... a little more Lila today." She explained.

Clara's teasing grin immediately disappeared, a look of worry and anger taking its place.

"Someone should take that girl down a peg. I was personally thinking, maybe a broken leg?"

In any other context, Marinette would have thought Clara was joking, but her voice had been grave with a seriousness that spoke of her anger. Marinette was quick to try and reassure that she was fine.

"Nothing happened." Marinette looked Clara in the eyes, giving her a small smile. "She was just being stupid." Marinette's smile grew a little. "She even lied and said she was invited to the gala tomorrow."

It was a small comfort to Marinette.

Despite all that Lile loved to lie about knowing all these people and be invited to all these things, at the end of the day, that was Marinette. Marinette knew all sorts of famous people, Marinette was invited to all sorts of events that Lila could only ever hear about. At least there was that.

When Marinette had been younger, she had never imagined that she would ever live the type of life that others would lie about having. Sure, she had Uncle J, and he had always told her that one day, she was going to be a star, but she had never thought much of it. If something happened, then great. If Marinette became a popular idol and sold albums, that would have been wonderful. But she would have been just as happy working from the sidelines, designing for those who chose to shine on stage.

And it had started like that, too, but then Jagged introduced Marinette to Clara and things changed.

One day she would be satisfied with just working as a designer, but at the moment, there was nothing Marinette enjoyed more than being on stage.

"Those classmates are gonna regret they ever crossed you, Netta." Clara suddenly said. "They will someday see how you are so much better."

Marinette smiled.

"I know."

Tikki looked at her chosen as she darted around her room, trying to get ready for the gala before her car arrived. Sure, it wasn't necessary for her chosen to be there exactly on time, but Marinette did not want to be late, especially when her popularity in France wasn't exactly at the top.

At least Asia loved her.

Tikki had been worried for Marinette, and had been ever since the first instance with Lila happened. It had been hard to see her chosen to get mistreated so much, it was something that had never become easier with each new holder.

Tikki hated being forced to watch her chosen to suffer, unable to do anything as they were beaten, bullied and killed, all because of some rules. Of course, she understood the importance of the rules, that they were in place just as much for their safety, as well as a holder's.

But knowing that never made it easier.

So Tikki took comfort in the knowledge that tonight, it was not about Lila or Ladybug, but it was more about Marinette.

"Oh shoot, I'm gonna be late, I'm gonna be late, I'm gonna be late-"

Even if Marinette was worried about not making it in time.

"Marinette!" Tikki finally yelled, after having seen her chosen run around her room, looking for something, for the 6th time. "What are you looking for?"

Marinette's pure look of relief at getting Tikki's help warmed Tikki's heart, and Tikki continued with assisting Marinette in her preparations; brushing Marinette's hair, smoothing out the deep red chiffon of her dress, helping to tighten the black corset.

Marinette had been proud of her design, even if it probably wasn't something you would normally wear to a formal gala, with a tight, knee-length black skirt, and a one-sleeved, red chiffon top, that went all the way to the floor. The black corset was something Marinette found tied the entire outfit together, and it was a nice little nod to her last mini-album.

Tikki was proud of her chosen. She had always found Marinette's ability to turn all of the negativity around her into art, something incredible.

Marinette kissed Tikki on the cheek, Tikki giving one in return before Marinette put Tikki in the black purse she had chosen for the occasion.

The flashing lights of the cameras reflected the stars shining brightly above them tonight, Marinette noted, as she, Jagged and Clara all posed for a picture together.

The cameras had been overwhelming for Marinette, in the beginning. She wasn't used to being in the spotlight.

Of course, Jagged, Penny, and Clara were all quick to reassure Marinette that it wouldn't always be like that. Jagged had told her that he had been deathly afraid of looking dumb in pictures for the press, and he had started his career a lot later than she had.

15 years old.

It had taken two years, but Marinette was able to finally debut at the age of 15.

When she thought of it that way, it struck Marinette how long she had been in the industry, and briefly, she worried that perhaps that was why she had gotten the downfall in her class.

Marinette smiled more to the flashing cameras, as she, as well as Jagged, Penny and Clara, finally made it inside of the giant ballroom.

She wasn't going to blame her success for her downfall. She refused to.

Everyone else in that class had things they were dedicated to, things they were passionate about, but it had never cost them this much.

Marinette greeted various celebrities and rich people, all of them having varying degrees of surprise on their face at her presence.

Marinette, understandably, was proud of her achievements. She wasn't going to let horrible classmates and a bad liar ruin that pride for her. Marinette had achieved so many things, done so much good, and even if Marinette disliked being selfish and asking for more, she felt as if it was okay for her to say that she deserved a little better than what her class was giving her.

She was cut off from her chain of thought by Jagged Stone, swinging his arm over her shoulder as he lead Marinette somewhere.

"Mari, you have to meet my old friend here." Jagged exclaimed loudly as he lead Marinette closer and closer to a very business looking man. "I don't even know how I haven't introduced you yet." He continued, tapping on the man's shoulder enthusiastically once they arrived. "Mari, this is Bruce, he's a really good friend of mine." Jagged grinned wildly, shoving Marinette's and Bruce's hands together for a handshake. "Bruce, this is Mari, my favorite niece, and rockstar."

Bruce blinked, probably not expecting the sudden handshake, but quickly came out of his stupor, gracing Marinette with a small, professional-looking smile.

"It's wonderful to finally meet you. My sons are big fans of your work."

Her eyes widened, Marinette glowing with pride at the knowledge that the Bruce Wayne knew about her.

And his sons liked her music too.

"It's a great honor to meet you as well, thank you!"

The trio quickly fell into a comfortable conversation after that, Marinette off-handedly mentioning that she was trying to plan a class trip, but that the school's budget was a bit tight. They also talked about her next comeback, and when it was going to happen, and when Marinette felt like they had been talking about her for too long, was quick to change the subject to Jagged's upcoming projects

-_-_-

If you don’t want to be tagged in this version of OBaB, message me and I will remove you from the tag list.

@ozmav @shizukiryuu @cyberkaymarie @captainmac6 @derpingrainbow @drama-queen-supreme @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @resignedcatservant @kae690 @constancetruggle @queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm @imfreakingmagical @mikantsume @my-name-is-michell @mewwitch @vixen-uchiha @royalchaoticfangirl @thornangelic727 @sizzling-fairy-oil @awkwardturtlez @graduatedmelon @minightrose @melicmusicmagic @kuroko26 @god-is-dead-and-so-am-i @thebookwormfairy @izzynuggets @spicybelladonna @driftingmoonlitpetals @fangirl-food-feelings

#maridami #daminette #maribat #marinette x damian #idolnette #uncle jagged #master fu #lila rossi #alya cesaire #marinette dupain cheng #marinette #clara nightingale #aunt clara

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tiaragqueen · 5 years ago

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Hi!! I looove your writing it's amazing! Can I request a Y! Yoongi or Jungkook nerd story? Lile the OC has the worst grades of the class and the member has the best and manipulate the OC parents to let her go to the house of the yandere for summer classes so she will be with him? Or the OC needs the grades and he use that to his favor? Or something for the style? Thank you so much! I understand if you don't do it. I just love your work 💞

Up The Creek

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Min Yoongi x Reader

✂ Word Count: 1,3k

✂ Trigger Warning: Manipulation, obsessiveness, mentions of stalking

✂ This story is fictional and for amusement only. I don’t believe any of the members would do this in real life. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you have a good day!

Donot re-upload my writing to another website or use it without mypermission.

[Edited]

***

The amount of Yoongi stories that I’ve written compared to Jungkook ones is rather concerning, so I’ve decided to use my bias instead. And thanks hon! Glad you like my writing!

If you like mywriting, please support me on ko-fi!

“The art of pleasing is the art of deception.” - Luc De Clapiers

There were a lot of advantages to being an upperclassman. One, Yoongi could approach you – regardless of whether you were talking to other people, except the teachers – and instantly gain your full attention. Two, he could invite you to ‘hang out’ with him under the guise of a kind senior. Although his kindness was far from fake, the intention wasn’t that pure either. Third, he could get your phone number easily with slight embarrassment. And fourth, he could call you anytime he wanted.

Not all the time, though. But the urge did exist; more than he liked to admit.

But just like any other thing in this world, it had its disadvantages too. One, he couldn’t always contact you because it would seem weird for a senior to be overly concerned with your personal life. Two, you weren’t one who was always active in your social media. Three, due to his ‘status’, you couldn’t bring yourself to truly relax around him. And fourth, he wouldn’t often know about your condition. It was his wish to assist you in every problem that you might encounter in life; whether it is health or lesson that you didn’t particularly understand.

And this was one of them.

You sat on the bench, hair concealing your face. It had been like this since twenty minutes ago when Yoongi accidentally spotted you on his way home. He was getting concerned with your hunched posture, and the fact that you hadn’t once shifted. Surely you must be stiff from sitting like that for a long time. So, why didn’t you move? What could you possibly be thinking until you remained immobile like that? He didn’t know and desired to know the answer.

However, he lacked the courage to ask you.

Yes, Min Yoongi was too scared to approach his crush.

For those who knew, or at least acquainted, they would know that Yoongi had a certain confidence in him. It was a quiet kind of confidence; one that was barely noticeable, yet remarkable nonetheless. His aloof demeanor added to the mysterious aura that surrounded his very being, arousing a deep curiosity and fascination within people. Yoongi might not be the most famous boy in the school, but he also had several secret and, well, not-so-secret admirers.

Every day, several girls would come up to him and confessed their feelings. Sometimes, they even bought some presents in hopes of increasing their chances with him. And just like that stereotypical cold anime boy, he turned them all down. He did it without any regret, no qualm, and certainly no hesitation.

Because they weren’t you. They could never be you; the girl who had bought him a water bottle as a ‘congratulatory gift’ for his victory against Busan High School in the basketball competition.

People might deem it as something trivial – something forgettable – in which a junior treats their senior. It was odd since usually the latter treats the former. But to him, it was far from trivial. It was his first, real encounter with you and that gift worth more than those he’d received from his so-called admirers. He even preserved the bottle like it was a sacred thing in his room. No matter how many times his mother nagged him to throw it away, he refused to budge.

Taking a deep breath to calm his thumping chest, Yoongi slowly stepped out of the bushes he’d used as a makeshift cover to spy on you. His legs were a little wobbly from both nervousness and stiffness. However, it was nothing to compare to the raging concern inside him. Small, almost cat-like eyes watched your motionless figure in fear of you suddenly move and catch him off guard.

Frankly, it wasn’t the thought of catching him off guard that scared him, but you realizing that he had been monitoring and trying sneak up on you. He wouldn’t know what to do if the latter happens. Sure, he could easily play it off as a ‘coincidence’, yet his action proved otherwise.

Well, he just hoped that you wouldn’t notice. It would be troublesome to explain his–

“… Yoongi-seonbae?”

Oh, shit.

Yoongi froze on the spot, seeing you curiously peered over your shoulder. There was a brief, impromptu staring contest between you two before you broke it off with a smile.

“Are you heading home, Yoongi-seonbae?” you asked politely.

“Oh…” Yoongi quickly recomposed and coughed into his fist. “Yeah, I am. What are you doing here?”

Thank God, you didn’t notice. Good, that meant he didn’t have to lie to prove his ‘innocence’.

“Well…” The once amiable smile turned bitter as you glanced over the paper on your hands. “Just… sitting. Thinking.”

Yoongi decided to take the risk and gingerly sat beside you as if you were a timid animal ready to bounce away at any given moment. “Thinking about what, exactly?” he inquired.

Sighing, you showed the big, red F mark on the paper to him. “I flunked up my test,” you looked away, mentally preparing for the mockery or scolding that was soon to come. “Again.”

You knew that Yoongi wasn’t petty enough to tease you over a bad grade. No, he wasn’t that type of guy. But you were prepared to hear any kind of response, regardless if it was painful. You didn’t think your feelings could be hurt anymore.

[Least favorite subject] test, Yoongi noted. Gently, he took the result out of your grasp and examined it. There were many wrong answers, crossed with a red marker. And although he wasn’t the dumbest in class, he could see why you would struggle. It wasn’t that easy to comprehend, after all.

“Did your teacher say anything to you?” he asked.

You stared at your palms, trying to remember the crystal clear warning. “She said that… if I don’t raise my grade in three months, I won’t be able to join the final exam.”

“Is that so?”

You nodded solemnly. “I don’t know what to do, Yoongi-seonbae. I… I tried to study but it’s too hard.” Tears began to pool in your eyes when you recalled your parents’ disappointed and upset expressions. “Mrs. Kim said that I should get a tutor, but I don’t have much money to pay for them. I don’t want to fail…”

Tutor. You needed a tutor. And he would gladly do it for you, even though tutoring wasn’t a part of his agenda.

But hey, at least things were starting to look up now. Think about all the activities he could do with you. And besides, he could meet you more often without needing to conjure up an excuse, so that was certainly a plus.

A calculative glint appeared in his eyes as he regarded you. “I can tutor you.” he offered. “For free.”

You slowly looked up, shock etched on to your tear-stained features. “W-what? Are you serious, Yoongi-seonbae? You’re not joking, right?”

“I’m not. I’m serious.” Yoongi hardened his visage to appease your confusion and suspicion.

You tried to speak but the words remained stuck on your throat. “Yoongi-seonbae, I…” You blinked away the tears in your lashes. “I-I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much! I truly appreciate it.”

“But,” he held up a hand before you could fully express your happiness. Yoongi didn’t want you to think that you could get a free service from him without any catch. He wasn’t that selfless. “I get to decide on the schedule.”

You nodded, clenching your fists enthusiastically. “Of course! Anything you want, Yoongi-seonbae.” you beamed.

It was cruel to take advantage of your predicament, Yoongi knew that much. Had you know about his true motives, you would reject or – worse – be disgusted with him. But if it could bring him closer to you, then why should he pass up the chance?

Yoongi smiled and watched you ramble about the problems in [least favorite subject] contentedly. “I’ll surely enjoy my time with you, [Name]-ssi.”

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icharchivist · 6 years ago

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True. Up until recently Lenalee was the friend who reached out and helped Allen the most. She got him to open up and rely on her and others. She looked after him and made him feel at home. She related to him on making the Order his home. She tried help him carry his burdens (cursed eye) as much as possible. She waited all night with Johnny for his return. She fought the 1st Lv4 akuma w/him. She disobeyed orders and allowed him to escape the Order despite doing so broke her heart. Even now-

2 she's (abd Marie) are covering up Kanda's disobedience so he can go help Johnny find and support Allen. Out of everyone of the main 4, she might not know the most about Allen but she does understand him best on a personal level. But hey that could change. She's not the only one. I consider Johnny to be on her level over this stuff (which makes the Johnny and Lenalee friendship so underrated. They are adorable too being on the same wavelength). Who knows how Kanda will react after hearing-

3 Allen's story. Plus all the oppurtunity of traveling w/him will provide. When you get down to it Kanda was the one who needed to hear Allen's story the most. He's the one who understands how to show relating to Allen the least or what's really broken behind those masks (whereas we've seen Lenalee, Johnny, Lavi and Marie pick up on it on there own). So far he's had to have Johnny or Tiedoll to tell him, no that doesn't work because Allen is like this. Lenalee and Johnny don't need to hear -

4 Allen's past to understand him personally (though it would be nice if he told them since they did wish, more then anyone, for him to open up more to them). His masks, his anguish, how his compassion can hurt him, how he's a little ruder then he lets on and they like it. Little things lile that. Kanda just naturally gets Allen's hypocritical bullcrap when it pops up. Xp Lavi's kind of the middle ground. He needed to know enough to get Allen. But from that he gets how special/strong Allen is.

YEAH EXACTLY for Lenalee. Like i think it’s not to be neglected that Allen had a vision of her individually in the wheatfield before seeing the rest of the group (and then Johnny took predominance when he called for him). Lenalee is a tie to his normal casual life. To home. She’s the first one who had him call the Order Home and it already had filled him with so much happiness when he arrived there - it was a begining of a new part of his life and in a way Lenalee was there at every steps. She couldn’t get Allen to talk about his problems to her but she tried, and she at least always showed up as a physical support when Allen was going through tough moment - from when he left to everything about Cross.

and it’s a very good point - so is Johnny. In a way Johnny also represents how much of a Home the Order became, because he too extended it to Allen a lot, and he was always into cheering up Allen. Then it’s where their own characters enter into account outside of Allen, of how Lenalee couldn’t afford to leave the Order while Johnny could. Johnny already lost Suman and Tap to the war, and Allen had both time tried to save them and him and had showed guilt of not managing to do so, and Johnny never blamed him ofc, but therefore saw the weigh on his shoulders.

and you’re completely right about how underrated Lenalee and Johnny is!! tbh for all we know Lenalee spent a huge amount of time with Johnny before the plot even started, with her helping out the Science Division, and man, all their scenes together when they arrive the New Order was just too great. the Boat scene where they tease Allen for dropping his polite speech!! It shows how much they both caught on on Allen’s current personality (which is why i was SO UPSET Hallow remplaced Johnny by Lavi like, No. No. No. You’re messing with the themes anime.), and then how they both nap with Allen after Cross’s talk, how they were trying to be here as a support even if they didn’t know the details.

And entierely true about Kanda. the thing with Kanda is that... he’s kinda hot-headed. Doesn’t always think through. And with Allen, he gets the vibes from him, and the things he can relate to, and that pisses him off. So instead of thinking why those vibes are pissing him off, he’s just pissed at Allen’s hypocrisy. And Kanda can be very stubborn. Allen and him have that in common. so that doesn’t really help putting back in perspective “why does that guy piss me off so much”.

To be able to hear Allen’s story will force Kanda through that very process he had refused to indulge in for those past few years. I mean a lot like it’s peaking into Kanda’s past that had a lot of things click about Kanda’s behavior for Allen. They were both so stuborningly hiding their trauma and shielding themselves agaisnt anyone who would get through it that to be able to get those walls down is a major step forward for the two of them and a first step through understanding.

Lavi and Lenalee can hear Allen’s story anytime and understand it. Lavi already heard a bit of Allen’s story after all, and... again more a question of personal conflict of Lavi not even feeling lke he has the right to indulge into feeling for Allen and reaching out. Not in an emotional way. I mean post-Ark Lavi reaches out for Allen a lot before the Attack on the Order, like trying to get him out of the noisy infirmary (where Allen wasn’t there) but he will use stupid excuses, like going to eat. He’s not honest about what he’s trying to do. Lenalee, Johnny and even Kanda are honest about what they’re doing and why they’re doing it to Allen. Even at his worse, Kanda is honest when he tries to shake Allen out of his depressive mood or w/e. Lavi can see those moods, but he will not honestly face them. And that’s partof the problem because well Allen doesn’t realize Lavi is acting because of the emotional toll this is taking on Allen. Why would he, he barely knows the way Lavi sees life.

So point is, Lavi can understand Allen’s story, even if he could force himself to not try to empathize (and fail, and probably change his behavior around Allen, but not in a way Allen can catch it) - Lenalee would understand Allen’s story and openly empathize, be there as a support. And both of them would have had an idea beforehand. They’re at least social enough to get how it impacted Allen.

Kanda is... much so specific, it needs to come with a proper timing (which they have) in which Kanda is ready to listen. And Allen and Kanda both had to cross part of that bridge, they had to meet in the middle for this to happen. which is specifically because of how they BOTH refused it to each other for a long while.

I don’t know, i’m rambling there, but what I mean to say is that yeah, therefore Kanda is the one who is in the most dire need to understand Allen’s story, to hear it. Because for all that time he didn’t bother processing it. He just listened to the vibes he had against Allen and that’s it. So to make that process is already huge on Kanda’s part, but would also finally unveil things they wouldn’t have considered otherwise.

And this is a fascinating development forward!

#ichafantalks dgm #Anonymous #ichareply

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renee-writer · 6 years ago

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The Lucky Ones Chapter 1 13th Birthday

Lucky and Luke Shadow are a month from turning 13. A momentous occasion in any society, but because they have the fortune or misfortune, depending on how you look at it, to be born in the 23rd Century where they are free to choose. To choose to stay in their birth family or start anew in a completely different family. This looming choice is made more complex by the fact the twins were born lucky.

"Of course, you will stay a Shadow." Porcelain, Lucky's best friend from earliest childhood says. They walk through the halls of the all's girls school they attend," it isn't even a thought. You, I, and Luke needn't worry about making the choose like some do."

They pass a group of un-lucky's talking together. The un-lucky's, so-called because they were born into extremely poor families. All assume that they will take the chance on being reborn rich, or at least, middle class.

"It isn't as simple as that." Lucky says as they head into their next class, history.

"What do you mean?" Porcelain asks. But they are inside which temporarily spares Lucky from answering. The class is composed all of girls that will be turning 13 in a month or so. The lesson, therefore, is on the past and how they arrived at the place where they all have The Choice. It is all review to the girls, who have been taught about the Choice sense they were five or so. But with their 13th birthdays approaching, they all pay close attention.

"The Choice, as you ladies know, is all quite recent. Up until a hundred years ago, the family you were born into was the family you died in. Unless you were adopted or fostered. Until 2118 and the discovery of the gwne that came to be known as the gene of choice, which, we came to learn, could be activated 13 years after birth. This gene, with the assistance of the Rebirth machine, allows a person to choose whether to stay with their orginal birth family or be born anew in a whole new family.

But, as with all things, there are both good and bad consquences. A person has no control over where they are reborn. There is no going back. We know there are residue memories of the previous life. Whether they are good or bad is also out of the control of the one being reborn. And it is a one time only decision." There is a soft mummur throughout the classroom when Miss Dolly stops speaking. She lets them talk for a few moments vefore bringing the class to order.

"Any questions?"

"Does it hurt?" This from Fancy, an un-lucky.

"The actual process doesn't. You go from being a 13-year-old to whenever you regain self-awareness, usually around the age of 2 or 3. But, the memories can hurt when you become aware of what you lost. Or it can be a relief."

"Do you regret doing it?" This from Lucky. Miss Dolly was chosen for this lesson because she had made The Choice to be reborn.

"No, I don't. But you all know my original family history." There are nods and whispers . "So it was a relief to leave that. But all of you have a harder decision. You need to really think about it. Any more questions?"

"Does the family that you are reborn into know that you are a reborn?"

"Excellent question Abby. Yes, they do. But they only do so that they will know.. They can't help guide the reborn to them."

"Miss Dolly had to choose rebirth. I mean, you know her orginal family was horrid. With a drug addicted and abusive father and her momma dead at his hands. But, she is wrong about others needing to think about it. Fancy and the other un-luckies have a golden opportunity;why wouldn't they take it?" Porcelain says as she and Lucky await their cars home.

"What is they are reborn into worse? Lile Miss Dolly's orginal family?"

"Possible, I guess. But the odds are they would be better. Speaking of, why did you say it wasn't simple earlier?"

"I will call you later. My cars here."

"Okay. You really are lucky, Lucky. You get out of answering twice."

She laughs and waves as she climbs in the back of her car where her twin waits.

"Hi Luke."

"Hi Lucky. I guess you had a discussion about The Choice in history too."

"Yep. We got Miss Dolly."

"Ironic. We got Mr Stern. You know the rumor is they were from the same birth family, right?"

"I know. Because of similar histories. But there could be two families that had those issues. You know drugs and alcohol are still found up in the poorest parts of the mountain."

"Yep."

50 years before, both were strictly outlawed. The penalty for being caught, with either, is death. Very few people now risked it. But the law wasn't so rigidly enforced up in the mountains.

"So, what do you think?"

"About?"

"What have we been talking about?" She smacks her brother on the back of his blond head.

"Oh, well I will be glad when I am 13 and a day so everyone will stop asking me."

"So you gave definitely decided then?"

"There isn't a decision. Really sis. We are.Shadow's. We have the blond hair and blue eyes everyone wants. We are super rich. Our genes are supreme. We are intelligent. What more could we want?"

"Love. What about parents that love us?"

"Lucky, love is for those born un-lucky. They don't have anything else." He says as he steps out of the driverless car and heads inside. "Coming?"

"Yes." She steps out and enters her house, with a sigh. It is empty of all but servants, as expected. Their parents are away. They will return on their birthday. At least they said they.would. Yes, she and Luke have everything. All the latest gadgets. She can call Porcelain with the phone that was implanted behind her ear on her 10th birthday. She can watch the TV that takes up one whole wall in her room. And can watch anything. Any show or movie that was ever made from any part of the world. Her homework is done on a computer that picks up her thoughts while listening to music piped directly in her ear.

But, no one has ever tucked her in. Nightmares are handled by rhe night nanny. And she has an opportunity to change that. Can she? Will she?

#my writing #my ocs #a new story #sifi #a beginning #be gentle #brand new #genre #a destiny forged #a decision to be made

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sonofthecarver · 4 years ago

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doin this trend for most of the main pcp deities i work with so heres my patron, The Carver

General Questions:

1. What is the name of the entity and what is their canon universe?

The Carver, The King of The Infernous, Emperor Hash'bor'kanibal

The Arkn Mythos

2. What drew you to this entity? What drew you to their world?

I was introduced to the Arknverse through my partner and I felt a strong pull to him.

The series is one of my favourites, and, although it took me a while, I eventually csme to him and asked if I could worship him.

3. Did you choose them or did they tap you? How?

A bit of both, as I felt a pull to worship him, and I wanted to myself either way.

4. How do you typically communicate?

I communicate with him through his designated oracle deck, or through what he likes to call "vibes".

He radiates a very distinct energy for me, so I can feel his emotions and opinions on my choices.

5. What role does this entity play in their universe?

Ooh, he plays the role of a chaotic grim reaper, in my opinion.

He has no true side, he works for himself and his own amusement.

6. What kind of relationship do you have with this entity?

He is my patron deity, and he has lovingly dubbed me his son.

7. What aspects does this entity reside over?

He is the Dekn Lord of Pain, Torment, Suffering, Torture, Cheese, and sometimes Lettuce, The King of the Infernous, the Arkn Lord of Power and Truths, and The Joy of Fear

8. What kinds of offerings do you/would you give this entity?

He's not picky, but he likes cheese, tobacco, booze (specifically whiskey or vodka), spicy foods, weed, knives, and bones.

Non physical offerings include smoking or drinking in his honor, inflicting pain, and drawing blood.

9. What kinds of animals, stones, elements, plants, etc do you associate with this entity? Why?

His symbols are knives, sickles, devil motifs, skulls, cigarettes, blood, crowns, his devil mask, cleavers, guns, and the Dekn Symbol.

His sacred animals are predators, and his element is fire.

He likes any darkly colored stones, especially red calcite and bloodstone.

10. Are there any songs, books, or quotes you associate with this entity? Why?

He enjoys Ghost and a lot of more folksy type of songs like "The Devil Wears a Suit and Tie" and "In Hell I'll Be In Good Company".

11. How and when did you first encounter them as an entity?

I don't exactly remember, but I'd have to say the first time I properly felt his presence in my room was when I was sick, and he was floating above my bed where I was whining to my boyfriend.

He was teasing me about not being able to handle sickness, but he seemed genuinely concerned about me.

12. How are they particularly involved in your life? Do they teach you anything specific? If so, what?

He's decided he's my father, so he's pretty involved, he hangs around me a lot.

Not really anything specific, more just tellinge when I fuck up or little bits of life advice.

13. Do they have any identifying symbols in canon or otherwise?

His sickle, his crown, and his mask are the three I can think of.

14. Do they have alternate versions, verses, or canons? Do you communicate with all or some of them?

I'm sure there are, but I don't speak to them.

Compare & Contrast:

15. Choose an aleady-existing deity from our world that has similar traits to this entity. How are they similar, and how are they different?

My immediate comparsion is Ares.

They're both associated with violence, and have shown affection for certain mortals that are good at just that.

The difference is that Carver is much more interested in the one on one intimacy of inflicting pain on one with your own hands, while Ares is a war god, which id the broader type of violence.

16. Choose 6 tropes this entity may or does fall under. Explain if you agree or disagree, and why.

Alas, Poor Villain - Absolutely. He's put through some shit that a regular viewer of the series has trouble watching. I know he's considered a villain, yet every time he gets hurt it hurts me.

The Chessmaster - He succeeded in an eons long plan to trick a literal god, and he always seems to have every piece in his corner in the games he plays.

Fallen Angel - Within certain Arkn stories, he is considered a once-great Arkn who was corrupted and defected to the Dekn side.

Laughably Evil - He's absolutely fucking hilarious.

Body Horror - I've only seen his true form a few times but holy FUCK is it terrifying.

Heroic Sacrifice - I'm going to say it now, him letting his body be destroyed to create the new universe wasn't done in heroics.

17. What academic studies or professions do you associate with this entity, and would you study any of them yourself? Why or why not?

Anything with death, history, or psychology.

I would, but he's a been pushing me to persue something I would genuinely enjoy, lile tattooing or computer programming.

18. What is something surprising you have learned about this entity when working with them? Why was it surprising?

He's honestly so nice if you're nice to him, which was a little surprising because he's very much not a nice guy.

He's extremely protective of his worshippers/children: I had an issue with Ellpagg (an arkn entity) coming after me for a good while, and Ellpagg finally backed off after Carver beat him into the ground and said he'd chuck him in the Infernous again if he ever tried to lay a finger on me.

(I was in the middle of a math class while watching that happen lmao)

19. Is there a common misconception about this entity? What parts are true, and what parts are wrong?

That he's evil and only ever seeks to harm people.

Evil? Yeah basically I can't argue that away he's done some pretty henious shit.

But if you respect him and his power he won't bother you.

If you taunt him or disrespect him it will not end well for you.

Especially if you try to hurt him.

Gods help you if you're one of the people stupid enough to try and hex or curse him.

20. Has some aspect of your life, energy, emotion, or other changed since meeting the entity? What would it be like if you hadn’t?

I've gotten better at standing up to people and defending my loved ones (at the downside of my anger issues getting worse).

I've accepted my anger and rage much better now, and my energy has become more offensive because of his influence.

People tend to think that his protection his a negative or bad thing when they first sense something touched by him.

Self & Shadow

21. What are things this deity is capable of helping you with, personally? How?

He helps accept anger, rage, and violent urges as a natural thing not to be ashamed of.

He'll teach you how to stand up for yourself properly, and when to not take any shit from stupid people.

22. Has this entity ever refused something to you? If so, what and why?

I mean, he probably has but fuck me if I remember what.

23. What do you want to learn from this entity? Why?

Everything he has to teach me.

He doesn't exactly sit me down like it's a fucking school lesson, its a more in the moment teaching style.

24. Is there an end-goal with this entity, or do you plan on continuing a relationship with them?

He's my patron, he's stuck with me until I die.

25. Have you ever disagreed with this entity? Why or why not?

Oh, all the time.

Usually he's right, and if I don't agree with him he just let's me do it my way and then when i fuck it up he smacks the back of my head and says "see, dumbass, i told you so."

26. What does working with this entity reveal about you?

That I'm a raging bitch and if you fuck with me or my loved ones I'm not afraid to fuck up your whole life?

27. What do you think you should cultivate about yourself to better work with this entity? Why?

Should probably stop being so stubborn but that's not gonna happen, he likes the banter.

Also need to work on my godphone smh.

28. Do you have any fears or anxieties about working with this entity? Why?

Nope. Not a single one. I'm not afraid of him and he's made it clear I have no reason to feae anything that could come after me because of him.

29. What about this entity’s canon has impacted you the most? Why?

Just, the philosophy of it all.

30. What UPG/Headcanon do you have about this entity? Why?

This man likes FNAF songs.

I am dead fucking serious.

31. Choose 3 major differences between their world and this one. Do these differences affect how you interact?

Too tired to do this fully but no, it doesnt affect how we interact.

He understands me and why I do the shit I do and I understand him and why he does the shit he does.

(stolen from @highpriestness )

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zoeyaston · 7 years ago

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"Literally, your world can come crashing down at any instant. It could take ome thing, or a number of things to bring it down, but it takes one second. It takes no time at all to suddenly break off into someone that you're not, and it takes no time at all to break the people you love along with you. Or, I guess I could say "person", considering there's only one person that I truly love at this point. I think about my childhood a lot...and though I've been told to forget about it all, I know I'll never get myself to. I know there are things I could have done, but I also know that there are things that I COULDN'T have done. I guess every ounce of guilt and longing I felt from that surprisingly vivid time in my life, is just another way to interpret literal pain. And the thing about fear, is that sometimes, it makes you do and say things you never thought you would ever do. You can get wrapped up in so many emotions, worries, and nightmares that you tink you're going to loose everything. Whether everything to you is multiple people, or just one person...you feel the same amount of fear as everyone else. You start to change yourself, and you start to loose control of every aspect of your brain that tells you to stop. But you can't stop. Only certain thing become the only things you can control. And those certain thingd are just the things that break you. I've had that fear. You know...that fesr of losing everything again? It's happened to me many times, and if anyone ever asks me about it I'll tell them all the same thing: it eats away at you. It makes you do things that are totally out of proportion. You over think, you under sleep, you sit there for hours upon hours in total silence, wishing some sanity could be handed to you on a silver platter. Unfortunately, sanity isn't that easy to recieve. You change. You change so much until the people(or person) that love you can't even look at you the same way. That one person who loves you more than anything will watch you change, until they don't know what to do anymore. They start to lose hope when you do...and when you're scared, all the hope you possess is drained from you. You feel like there's no way out, so you keep doing the things you never intended to do, until you're completly broken. And that's when you feel the pain. You feel everyrhing, and so does that person that loves you. They feel the pain along with you, but they don't know how to describe it to you, or their friends, or even themselves. They get worried about you, until they break everything you do to hurt them. The person you love, they love you right back. But you break them, just as much as you bream yourself. And you make that person wonder, 'does she even love mr anymore? Did she ever love me?' Because they can't stand to see the one they love so much crack so many times until they're completly broken. They watch that one person they fell in love with break down into s million pieces of homelessness and despair, until they're nothing more that just the scattered remains of what use to be. But, she won't notice a thing. She won't notice the pain she will cause me, and to everyone else around her. The person I love, they think they're fine, and that they shouldn't care. They're scared of losing everything, but will never stop changing themselves. And they always change for the worst, dont they? As I always said...they're life becomes one big chase, running after the only things that can make them feel somewhat stable for a short period of time. The thingd they chase after shift from good and helpful thongs...to things that don't mean shit. Things that just make them worse. As I layed there with her, the girl I've come to love more than anything, I think everything's fine. Im hopeful for the future, because I think we're both ready to move on. I am, but little do I know, she's not. And I don't know anything yet as we're here, sleeping together in an olf motel in a completely different state than where we live. I'm excited to get home, and smile with her, and be the people that we should be together: happy. We both think that things are going to get better, and I think that I know they will. But...little do I know...I'm completly, utterly, wrong. I don't know it yet, but I'm wrong to the fact that everything will be okay. I'm wrong when I say things will get better, because they won't. I don't know that some really great things are just around the corner from us, but those things are only going to be follower by the ones that will make her break. As I've said so many times before... there are so many things in this world that can break her. And, little do I know, that's exactly what's going to happen. And not just break her, either. They're going to shatter her. Just lile every other great thing in my life, she's going to shatter. As I lay here with he, wrapped up in the warmth and joy she causes me, there are a lot of things I'm not aware of yet. And, little do I know, I'm going to watch her shatter. And this time, I'm not going to be able to do anything about it "

Shattered

#shattered #the chase #broken #love #chapter one #deep #quote #quotes #bubblesirwin #books

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kellysbookblog · 6 years ago

Photo

The Girl In The Closet, an all-new suspenseful and romantic standalone from Michelle Heard, is available now!

My Amazon review Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R24QEWRQBQ1FI9?ref=pf_ov_at_pdctrvw_srp

BIRDIE

Escaping an unthinkable nightmare, I’m given a second chance at life. Cole Trenton is the first person to look past the broken girl. But the moment I give him my heart he leaves.

Secrets never stay buried, and mine returns with a vengeance.

Cole walks back into my life when I need him most. He shows me how to be strong, that monsters only have the power you give them.

But my biggest fear remains.

How do I silence the girl in the closet before I lose Cole again?

COLE

I always knew Birdie Liles was different, but that didn’t stop me from falling for her.

After years of being away, I return home to bury my best friend,

only to learn that Birdie’s in trouble.

If I had known about the monster from her past, I never would’ve left.

I went to fight someone else’s war while I left the woman I love unprotected.

But I’m here now, and I’m ready to send Birdie’s demon right back to hell.

Download your copy today for only 99¢ or read FREE in Kindle Unlimited!

Amazon: https://amzn.to/2TQwJZF

Amazon Worldwide: http://mybook.to/TheGirlintheCloset

Add to GoodReads: http://bit.ly/2P0DGJ0

Excerpt:

BIRDIE

I adjust my grip on the gutter so I won’t go crashing to the ground from the top of the ladder. The last thing I need tonight is to break my neck. One more twist and the light bulb is in, lighting up the parking area. I take a deep breath as my nerves settle, and I soak up the bright light stinging my eyes. Reaching up, I twist the dome-shaped cover back into place.

I feel like a badass handyman after replacing the light bulb out front. Over the past years I’ve been working hard to beat my fear of the dark and water, and although I’ve had some success, it all came back since my father was released from prison two years ago. After I received the first letter,I’ve been living in a constant state of cold terror, watching for him in every shadow, hearing his whispers in the dead of night.

Life has become an endless tunnel with nothing to look forward to. Just one long dark night.

I take the flashlight out of my mouth and looking down, I sigh heavily. Why is it always easier getting up than down?

“Dang,” I mumble, and as if I’m not under enough pressure being stuck on the ladder, headlights beam across the parking area, falling right on me.

“Oh,crap.” It doesn’t get any worse than this.

Oh wait, it does. Not only do customers arrive when I’m up on the ladder, but it has to be while I’m dressed in my rattiest pair of shorts and an old long sleeve shirt with I’ve bypassed insane and gone straight to psychowrittenin bright green letters across my chest. I got it at a fair a couple of years back, and it’s become one of my favorite shirts to sleep in.

I want to kick my own butt as the car parks right behind me. Needing to get down and fast, I wiggle as I try to feel my way down to the first step on the ladder while clinging to the gutter like some crazy-ass monkey.

“This is so not workin’, Birdie,” I mumble under my breath, thinking I should just jump.

I glance down at the ground thinking the worst that can happen is me face-planting and knocking every one of my teeth out in front of the customer. Damn this is such a bad position to be stuck in.

“Do you need help gettin’ down?” a deep voice says from below. Startled, I drop the flashlight. I grab hold of the gutter with both hands, soI don’t go tumbling after it.

Oh, dear mother of all that’s good. It had to be a man. Why couldn’t it be a woman?

“I’m okay.” I squeak like a damn chipmunk.

I attempt another stupid wiggle in the hopes of actually finding the top step. I hear a chuckle from below, and my butt freezes in mid-air.

Is this dude for real? He did not just laugh at me.

Irritated, I glare down. “Seriously?”

Considering I’m stuck on a ladder in skimpy shorts, I don’t think glaring is helping much right now. Crap,I haven’t shaved in a few days. I must look like a baby wooly-mammoth by now.

It’s by far the worst check-in experience I’ve had since I started working here during my senior year. It’s even worse than the time Mrs. Hardy booked in with what I thought was her son. I went and shoved my foot in my mouth by saying, ‘I hope you and your son enjoy your stay at Pebbles of Destiny,’ only to be glared at as if I was gum stuck under a shoe.

Turned out he wasn’t her son.

Turned out he wasn’t Mr. Hardy either.

I didn’t sleep that night, because it turned out she’s a screamer, and she only knows one sentence, starting with a four letter word followed by, ‘… me harder’.

But tonight, yeah, tonight beats that one hands down.

When I see the man my glare fizzles away faster than I can summon it to my face, like if you get a firecracker that you light and you expect this big bang, but instead all you get is a lousy ‘pffft’ sound.

He walks closer, taking hold of the ladder, and it’s right about thenI take in the fact that he’s tall. Damn, he’s taller than the ladder. Seeing his uniform, my heart stutters, andshock ripples through me.

Shit, this can’t be happening to me while I’m up here.

Cole Trenton is back?

My eyes jump to Aiden, then back to Cole. My world stops spinning right then and there as I look back to Cole’s drop-dead gorgeous face. From where I’m standing he looks like a dark-haired, perfect specimen of all things defined as male.

I need to get down right now.

“Aiden.” I have no idea why I say his name first. Maybe it’s because Aiden knows about the worst in my life, andright now he’s standing right next to the man who’s responsible for the best experiences I’ve ever had. I don’t want to see them together. I don’t want the bad to taint the good.

Cole reaches a hand out to me. “As much fun as it is watchin’ you up there, I think we should get you down.”

I stare at his hand for a moment, not sure what to do.

“Put your hand in mine, Birdie,” he says, sounding much calmer than I feel with my heart beating frantically.

I reach down, placing my hand in his. I almost tumble forward as tingles race over my skin, electrifying every single inch of me. His strong fingers wrap around mine, swallowing my hand whole.

“Now your other hand,” he says.

I start to crouch slowly down so I can reach his other handwhen my whole body is jerked forward. Just as I realize Cole has yanked me off the ladder, he lets go of my hand, andI nose dive toward him.

My eyes grow huge as an embarrassingly loud shriek escapes me. To make things worse, I fall ungracefully like one of those big ole’ trees when they yell timber.

Cole’s hands grab hold of my waist, andan intense sense of relief spreads through my chest.Somewhere between the ladder and my feet meeting dear ole’ Mother Earth, I grab hold of Cole’s shoulders. I manage to get my hands around his neck, and as he brings me down my brain cells must be short-circuiting, or self-destructing, or both, because I pull myself right up against him as if I’m some octopus who’s just found its next meal. Given a few more minutes,I might’ve left an imprint of myself on him.

“Birdie, you really think I’d let you fall?” His breath spreads warmth over the top of my head, and it keeps spreading like a runaway fire, only intensifying everything about this moment by a gazillion times.

Cole’s arms wrap tightly around me in a hug. My feet lift off the floor as he holds my body to his. His one arm slackens its grip, but only so he can take hold of my chin and tip my head up.

When our eyes meet, Cole says, “Hi, Birdie. How have you been?”

I almost blurt out that I’ve missed him but swallow the words back just in time. I thought I managed to get over the crush I had on Cole, but seeing him again, the fluttering in my stomach is back with full force.

“Hi, Cole. Welcome back,” I answer automatically as I step out of his embrace while doing my best to get the walls back up around myself to keep others out. Any chance I ever had with Cole disappeared the day I got the first letter from my father. I need to remember that Cole’s come back to bury Hunter, and my father’s coming back to bury me.

I can’t make the mistake of letting Cole in again. Not knowing my psycho father is on his way to finish what he started all those years back.

Cole tilts his head trying to catch my eyes, just like the Holden brothers always do. The family trademark tilt is guaranteed to turn your heart to mush, and boy, it’s sure doing a great job right about now.

I bite the inside of my mouth to keep it from trembling as emotion pushes up my throat. This moment is way too intense for me to handle. I’ve been hanging on by a thread of my sanity and seeing Cole is stretching that thread too thin. It’s going to snap.

I look past Cole at Aiden, hoping he’ll save me from this awkward situation.

“Hi, Aiden. Can I make you guys some coffee? Maybe a beer?” I hear the tremble in my voice and hate that I can’t control my emotions better.

Aiden just gives me the usual comforting smile he always does when he’s here to talk about my psycho father. My eyes drop to the file in his hand, and just the sight of it makes my stomach fall somewhere at my feet.

Why did Aiden bring the file along with Cole?

My eyes dart between the two men as an anxious feeling starts to gnaw at my insides.

“Hey, Birdie,” Aiden answers, drawing my attention back to him. “A beer sounds great.”

I went to Aiden in a moment of weakness, andI regret it. I should’ve hit the road instead. With Cole standing only a few inches from me, I now regret more than ever not running when that first letter came all those years back.

It’s been so hard trying to distance myself from the people I love. Mom, Dad, and Reece wouldn’t have any of it and kept fighting me whenever I tried to push them away. Clay’s been so busy lately that I don’t even have to worry about him.

But now Cole came back at the worst possible time.

About Michelle:

Michelle Heard is a Bestselling Romance Author who loves creating stories her readers can get lost in. She loves an alpha hero who is not afraid to fight for his woman.

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ilygsd · 6 years ago

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201018

ffs im doing it againnnnn. i google and read shit that scares me but then i wont do anything abt it except for overthink and get anxious and fuck shit up and be an annoyance and then hate myself for doing this again but still go back and hope for him to forgive my emotional ass

im just so scared of fucking shit up again. i know i cant change the world, i need to change my attitude and know that i can get through shit even if people leave me. I CAN!! i am strong enough!!! i HAVE improved!!! i CAN! i have people who loved me and truly cares for me!!!!!! things are goong well with other people. people i dont really care about but they’re still evidente that i AM FUNCTIONING AND NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY

but those people were and are nt’s. even if im a paranoid emotional bitch who cant really feel it, i at least got some rationality that tells me that not everyone is after me.

its different with him.

i dont know if i actually care about him or if its my issues and insecrities or his manipulative charm that draws me to him but the feeling i get is so intense. and it scARES ME!!!! he could totally just take advantage over me?? i dont want to be paranoid, i want to BELIEVE HIM but my anxiety and all these other quotes and posts i read tells me i should get the hell away from people like him. and like....... i dont know if its just me overthinking or if its actually dangerous? im weak, i dont trust myself with him. im weak for him.

the fact that im more anxious because of him should be a sign right?? but on the other hand he makes me feel more alive. life is interesting with him but im also scared thats ”a part of it”. everyone says its a nice experience in the beginning. that they’re oh so charming to inpress you but then they’re going go change and its going to be to late.

and what does THAT MEAN? too late?? i dont think he would murder me or become physically violent, but his apathy will definitely hurt me either way. it STILL hurts me NOW and he’s not even doing anything ”mean”. like.... that’s who he is. he doesnt even have to manipulate me, the fact that he cant feel or give emotional love is hard enough for me to accept lmao.

and i mean he told me about his disorder? isnt that something? he seems pretty carefree. he answers most of my questions but he doesnt talk much about himself at all. he just seems bored. he told me he used to think people were annoying and slow (high IQ + narcissistic traits) but that he realised its not the world, but he who is different. and now the only thing he lives for is like his goals.

at first i thought he wanted to hurt and use me. instincitvely. he used to compare me to a deer, careful and beautoful (wow, such a charmer, so poetic) and in that case he’s a predrator. a social oredrator. he can take any shape he wants. its not me or his ”love” for me holding him in place, it’s only him. only him. him and the moral compass he set for himself. i dont think he wants to hurt me for fun, but he definitely would without doubt if i ever got in his way. perhaps not MORE than necessary, but as much as needed for him to get what he wants. but he’s patient. definitely. and i sont know why im worth waiting for. i dont know what i have to offer him.

we had sex yesterday. it was nice. but he’s one horny fuck and im emotional. he doesnt seem to care about the emotional stuff because the physical part is the only thing he can feel anywyas. all the love-shit yesterday (and any other day) is for me.... or for him... idk. i dont think its necessary for him but he does it because i want it and i guess that could be seen as nice?? at least he thinks so. he gets annoyed and anused when i question his sincerity. (says he might as well cheat and shit but like... yeah and u might as well be a mudder too whats your point??) but on the other hand he probably wants something more in te end. like my trust or something? it cant be sex. it wasnt THAT good and i he doesnt really care about the person he has sex with. he doesnt think of people, barely watch actual people but more lile hentai and the idea of sex. it could be control and power though. i know he wants me to test new things. one time i felt like he forced and treatebed me to drink coffee despite me not wanting to and i did. and i felt SHIT afterwards and i got SO paranoid and isolated myself for a week and he was a bitch about it and basically told me i overreacted and yeah maybe i was because i got SCARED of him and what he can do but i also could’ve handled it better and not let it scare me an understand i have a choice etc. but anyways, he’s stopped with that shit at least the threatening part like ”if you dont taste this coffe i made you im taking away the blanket”. and now he just liggtly pressures me. which i have to admit is okay? it made me try tea and i liked the tea. he also wants me to pierce myself and i actually would like that. he made me send him lewds (kind of) but i stopped because idk, i didnt like i. and idk i am happy i tried. im insecure and he makes me more adventurous. i just dont hope he will pressure me more or it would get worse. he’s like ”i would never force anyone to do anything” like yeah thanks thats.... nice to know.... he’s so weird. he makes offensive jokes that i bormlly would get extremely teiggered by but...... its different with him. i DO get annoyed but i also know there’s literally zero behind his jokes. i asked him if he likes the rection but he says he likes the power over the situation he has. he likes to tease me but he always makes sure i know its only joking and im not being serious. it seems like he likes the fact that he COULD leave me thinking he was serious but he choses to not. idk though, cus the fact that he always tells me when he does something ”not manipulative” is a bit..... suspicious lmao. he’s asked me to smoke weed though and im like super pure but honestly why not. he also made me drink and masturbate next to him. wow, he’s made me do a lot of stuff..... but idk, i lile the praise afterwards LMAO

so im just here trying go figure out what the fuck it is?? he doesnt talk much about himself or the people in his life. i asked about his friends and family but the only one he talks about is his ex girlfriend and best friend. at first i was so skeptical i was like ”omg why would she be with him, is she also a victim of his manipulation, or maybe she’s the same?” but idk. she seems ”normal”. he admitted she had similar issues to emotionally connect with people like him but that she’s not aspd. i also happen to know she’s a chinese adoptee as well and to compare with my own attatchment issues it wouldnt surprise me if she got the opposite of me.

anyways, at first glance you would think he loves her dearly. but when thinking about it he doesnt really express any love. just appreciation and thats what he said himself. for practical reasons. they help each other, he with her medical shit and she with his finances or something. and i want to believe in that. that he’s just looking for good deals with people. i get something out of him and he gets something from me. not anything emotional, but not necessarily him using people either. and he can be emotional, he is trying to be emotional for me. COGNITIVE EMPATHY THOUGH!!!

i dont know. i hope it is like this. i dont want to believe all the shit stories about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. yes i am low key scared to death that he one day will snap, change comPLETELY cus that’s basically who he is. i just hope.......... he won’t lmao. and i hope he wont just use me when he’s got what he’s wanted. and i reALLY hope i wont settle for his fake love. i deserve some REAL ACTUAL LOVE. i dont mind living in a fairytale with him someimes but i DO NOT want to lose myself to him. i deserve love, i deserve someone who loves me like i love them. no matter how much or how good he imitates love he wont ever be able to. PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THAT.

ive KIND OF come to accept who he is and that was hard enough for me, but i did it because he makes me do things and he makes me feel like i want it. also im scared that im too obsessed. like i really dont find anything interesting except for him. thats NOT a good sign. i feel like i both gain and lose myself with him. being with him is like living in a bubble. but when i meet other people everything’s as normal. i just dont want to isolate myself.

i dont think he would turn my friends or family against me

he says he teases the people he feel comfortable with. i cant get that. he’s changed. i sometimes feel like im a little sister. he took me very seriously at first and was very respectful and kind. now when he’s mee comfortable he’s more of a dick abd more straight forward when he thinks im overthinking or negative or annoying. and i am. i am annoying with him. its so weird but the moment i see him my EMO JUMPS OUT. i can be fun with other people and talk about other things and watch stuff but when im with him i just want to talk about sad stuff and feelings abd myself lmaooo. and yeah he finds it annoying and i get that. but i guess its cus we’re both a bit comfortable?

however he doesnt tease his ex/bff he says. its so weird, he says she was in charge in their relationship and i just cant imagine that cus hes so dominant. he said he started to respect his body etc AFTER their relationship so idk but i still cant imagine it cus he’s still doesnt feel empathy so there was no reason for him to obey her?? im curious about their relationship. i wonder what it was like......

what scares me is that i always feel inferior to him. thats ny good in a relationship. at the same time its the way i imagine relationships. he protecs me and i’ll obey him. its not that im always inferior, i tell him to piss off and fuck you when im annoyed. bit thats only joke. when tt gets serious he is always right. kind of. he’s like a dad as well. idk

all these posts are about sociopaths literalky tappning on thet victims and being CRUEL. but he’s not cruel, he’s just aprhtic, ubemotional. of course he CAN BE CRUEL, everyone can, but he chose not to. at least not yet. UGH. i feel so good with him. it felt better after a week with bo contact but i still wanted him because i was afraid i would lose him if i wanted more. which makes no sense because if i dont want him then i wouldnt want him. but wat if satt with him. i read blir people being married to sociopaths for 20+ years and i dont eant to be robbed 20 years!!!

he values actions more than words. in many ways he’s more high-functioning than me, and im a normal neurotypical while he’s an antisocial. thats why i was drawn to him anywyas. i wanted his help to handle my feelings and stuff. but idk. when he apologizes he doesnt mean it, but he still stops. when i apologize i mean it, but i dont stop. he could help me stop and he wants me to stop. bit thats also the only thing he values and it males me feel unappreciated sometimes when i actually TRY MY HARDEST

all these posts also fuck me up because idk if they’ve just encountered a mean sociopath, a mean normal neurotypical or if its just a sociopath. like i feel like people only focus in the bad stuff and call anyone ubemotional and cold abd mean a sociopath. thats not what i want to hear. i want to learn about them objectively??? they cant feel i get that. its mostly just girls writing about their fuckboy ens. like he thought i thought of him as a fuckboy but i dont. hes not a fuckboy, i hate fuckboys even more than i hate him. fuckboys are like..... just MEAN. for no reason. lmao idk. i mean he’s mean because he cant FEEL, he has no conscience. fuckboys are mean and so feel guilt but they pretend they dont and thats just pathetic. this persson id mature. fuckboys arent. hes sometimes immature too i guess UGH and narcisstisk UGH but lile..... idk. i just wouldnt go for him if he was a fuckboy. i dont get attracted to fuckboys OR bad blys

#diary #jo

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iamarosegarden · 8 years ago

Text

Better Than That

Part five, Heartrending and Healing Are Very Different Things, which has been up on Ao3 for a while but I’m just now posting it here. Enjoy!!!

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four -Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven - Part Eight - Part Nine -

Ao3

Nina Zenik was indentured to the White Rose but she wasn’t exclusive to the White Rose. She was loaned out to other houses every now and then. Sometimes it was because the owner wanted her as an attraction. Sometimes to ‘heal’ a worker, but she didn’t have the training for that, she was actually spying for Kaz Brekker.

Nina had strolled into Piękni Ludzie, looking just like the part she played, a wise, sage healer. Her white and gold faux-kefta and the modest way her caramel hair was done up in a loose bun were just part of the illusion. She didn’t talk much, and followed orders quickly and efficiently. Almost like a solider. Nina was nothing like a soldier though, she was too... lively. At least with fellow workers. She was funny and a bit loud and everyone trusted her for it. Even if she turned into a different person in front of clients and superiors.

But Wylan saw something in the way she curled her hands into what might have been fists, hidden by the kefta’s gold embroidered sleeves. The way her fingers twitched when someone was rude. The way her eyes scanned a room. The way sly words that fell off her tongue so easily, she could probably get people to do anything she wanted. In that bun were hairpins as sharp as broken glass.

She was dangerous, and he didn’t trust her. Something about how easily she turned into another person unnerved him. Sure, he and the others put on a different face around clients but she was so wholly different, and very, very convincing. He didn’t like it. It made him think she was hiding something. But, he was usually wrong about these things.

She’d shown up the day after Jesper had left, minutes before the shift change, when the few day workers of the house took their place and the night workers had a break, dinner, and sleep. Mistress Isidore had an arrangement with the owner of the White Rose in which Nina came over once a year when it was most convenient for him.

***

At least that’s what they told Mistress Isidore. In reality Dirtyhand’s spider had gotten dirt on the owner and used it to send Nina into other pleasure houses. He was addicted to Laudanum, a potent and expensive form of opium.

Nina walked in and made her way to Isidore’s chambers. She hadn’t know where the Wylan Van Eck that Kaz wanted her to find was, only that he had a sick friend, strawberry hair and an odd knowledge of healing.

“Ah, Nina. Your trip for the year?” Isidore exclaimed when she opened the door to find Nina, head inclined, hands encased by her kefta sleeves and held in front of her. She looked like one of the old nuns that liked to hover around the restaurants near the church. She nodded in response to Isidore’s words.

Isidore’s chambers, and by extension, Isidore, always smelled of sandalwood and lavender, a sort of spicy-sweet that was pleasant in moderation, but made you sick after a while. Nina hoped she wouldn’t have to endure any prolonged exposure to it. Isidore stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her.

“Lovely. Your room is right this way,” Isidore continued. Herding Nina through the foyer and a hallway. “How is Harold? Is the house doing well?”

“Mistress Isidore, you know perfectly well I can’t tell you how the house is doing,” a conspiratorial smile, “I wish I could.”

They stopped at a door right before the staircase to the second floor. Isidore opened the door. Instantly a heavy wave of incense washed over Nina. Great. The room was bare brick, with a fire pit in the middle. It looked like a primal healing hut. Frankly, it was a bit insulting. Scratch that. It was insulting. There was a cot in the corner across from the door. And a stone table diagonal from it. Very minimalist ancient healer.

Isidore knew how to play a crowd. Nina was sure people would get a kick out of this. She smiled graciously at Isidore. “Do you like it? I thought you’d feel more at home like this, maybe enough to stay here? Really, how is Harold? He seemed unwell the last time I saw him.” Probably due to the Laudanum.

Nina sighed internally. Isidore had had her eye on Nina’s indenture for sometime. Luckily for Nina, or maybe unluckily, Kaz wouldn’t allow that. “Thank you Mistress Isidore.” She kept up her smile as she walked into the room. Knowing it didn’t go outside of Isidore's notice that she didn’t answer the question.

“You’re very welcome. I’ll leave you to get settled in then,” Isidore said, and walked out of the door, closing it behind her. The room was pleasantly warm, the fire and the window providing enough light to illuminate the room. Nina waited a few seconds, then opened the door and strolled out, leaving the door open behind her, hoping to air the room out a bit.

Piękni Ludzie was a little different than most pleasure houses. Most worked with scheduled appointments, had less workers. Piękni Ludzie was a walk-in palce. Kind of. It was, of course, more active at night, but it also operated during the day. Clients could walk in at anytime. So convienent, a whole new form of sexaual slavery!

The hallways were mostly empty, save for a few people going back to their rooms. A pair of Suli twins whispered to each other when they saw her, a dark-haired boy who paid her no attention. And, a strawberry-haired boy struggling to help a shu girl up the stairs. That must be Wylan and his sick friend. Nina had seen cases like this before, they weren’t uncommon in pleasure houses, from the looks of her the shu girl had about four to five excruciating days left until her body gave in to the poison

She told Inej just that when Kaz and his wrath jimmied her window lock. “The poor thing has about five to six days left, I’d say. I thought water hemlock was incurable without professional help. At least, /I’ve/ never had the pleasure of seeing it cured.

“Van Eck seems to think he can. Get some more information, I’ll give you the things he asked tomorrow. You can call it, but I want information or you are not getting paid.” Kaz’s low voice responded. That boy’s voice. Positively delicious. Too bad about the whole scariest gang leader in Ketterdam thing, and the whole repressed feelings for Inej Ghafa thing. But, really, Nina should focus on the task at hand

“I haven’t talked to him much. When I got in Isidore immediately took me to my room. By the way, have you seen this?” She stepped back from window to give them a better view. Inej put a hand over her mouth. Kaz’s eyebrow twitched. “I mean, this is ridiculous.”

“Does she think you're from the stone age?” Inej laughed, peering further into the room

“Right? Anyway I’ll try to talk to him and his group tomorrow.

“Group?” Kaz questioned.

“From what I’ve seen-slash-heard he’s always with the same three friends.” Nina said. She started closing the window. “Well, I’ve got to get to sleep, on my cot.”

Inej let out another huff of laughter, muted because of the window. Nina smiled at them before closing the curtains.

***

Nina Zenik had been in Piękni Ludzie for two days. In those day she had successfully charmed everyone in Wylan’s vicinity. Slava loved her and Liling thought she could help. Conrad disagreed. At first Wylan had worried it was a prejudice against Grisha. But, at breakfast, the third day of Liling being sick and the second day of Nina, Conrad had leaned toward him and whispered: “I don’t think she’s a healer.”

“Nina?” Wylan questioned, bending his head to look at his plate, turning his right ear toward Conrad.

“Yes. I don’t think she’s a healer. She’s too… aggressively aware.” Conrad explained. Wylan looked up from his plate, his gaze going across the dining hall to Nina. Slava was with her. Slava wanted to trust Nina, both because of their common roots and for Liling’s sake. Wylan understands. His first instinct had been trust. But he was trying to change his instincts. After Zoya he’d learned he should be more careful about where he places his trust.

Which, he has been ignoring, he wants to trust people. Taking such a huge risk with Jesper was proof of that. A risk that had yielded no results. Jesper had not come yesterday. But, it could have ended much worse. In broken fingers and spirits. Ghezen, what had he been thinking?

Slava was probably right about asking Nina for help. Nina would be less likely to betray them to Mistress Isidore, being a fellow prostitute, and less likely to betray Slava, being a fellow Ravkan. One thing about Nina Zenik though; she was not a traditional prostitute. Apparently Mistress Isidore hadn’t even provided her with an actual bed, so she wasn’t expecting Nina to act as one either. The service she provided was healing. But, if Conrad was correct, she wasn’t a healer.

Wylan didn’t want her near his friends, but he had no other choice. Well he did, but it involved letting his friend die. All he could do at the moment was have her drink charcoal-water, so he needed someone’s help.

“If she’s not a healer, what kind of grisha is she?” He asked Conrad after a moment. He needed to work on not getting so caught up in his thoughts. His eyes were still on Nina and Slava. Nina looked up from their conversation. They met eyes for a moment and he looked down, his cheeks turning red at being caught.

“I do think she’s Corporalki, a Heartrender maybe.” Conrad had a concentrated look on his face as he looked away from Nina.

“Why would she-”

Wylan is cut off by Liling, her voice still unreasonably cheery if a bit weak, “are you too just gonna have a whole conversation about Nina without once talking to me? Seems a bit rude, considering I’m the one whose life is in question.” Liling had been anxious lately, with reason. It's one of the reasons Slava was rushing around looking for a solution. Liling was usually so positive. It was putting everyone on edge.

Really Wylan couldn’t blame her. You can’t expect people to be cheerful when they might die. “Sorry, I just… I think we shouldn’t ask Nina for help.”

Liling looked affronted. “What?”

“I don’t trust her, neither does Conrad.” Wylan explained, ready to bring out all his reasoning and theories

“Oh, you don’t trust a well known healer, but you trust Dirtyhand’s sharp shooter?” Liling accused. Wylan was affronted. He truly felt he’s been struck. He deserved it. Who was he to make that kind of decision for Liling?

“You’re right,” he said, trying to make amends, “let's try to talk to her after breakfast?”

“Okay, thank you. I’m sorry… I’m just,” Liling pushed her full plate away and massaed her temples, “scared.” She didn’t look better, but she didn’t look worse. She was stable, at least for the moment. Eventually her immune system would tire out and she’d be done for without a cure. If one existed.

Out of the four of them, only Slava ate anything at breakfast. Wylan was back at the piano. Liling was back at the couch, Slava next to her. Conrad looming against the wall behind the couch like a bodyguard, a very relaxed bodyguard. Nina Zenik waltzing up and leaning against the piano. “Liling? Nina Zenik,” an extended hand, “Slava told me you were sick?”

Liling eyed the hand, smiled and said “I don’t think I have enough energy to reach that hand.”

Nina laughed and replied, “I hope I can help.”

“When?” Wylan asked. Nina turned around as if just noticing him. Of course that wasn’t true, she’d leaned against the piano so that he would be in her peripheral view.

She stood up straight and turned around to look at him. He gulped. Adjusted his posture. “Well I figured I’d take a look at her, see if I can heal it, after dinner. Your room, not mine. I have no idea what Mistress Isidore was thinking when that happened. Bad working conditions.”

“Okay, see you then. Room one-oh-six. Thank you,” Wylan replied. Looking away from her and back toward his sheet music.

“You, are very welcome,” Nina called as she walked away. Conrad watched her go. Watched her look over her shoulder, watched her see him, watched her smile. He looked away. Waited a couple seconds. Looked back up, found the gold-white kefta that seemed to blend into the hallway’s mirrorless walls. Watched her walk up to Kaz Brekker, and slip into a room with him. Conrad had never seen nor heard about Kaz Brekker walking into a room with a prostitute before. Not that he always saw Kaz Brekker.

“Wylan,” everyone looked up at the sound of his voice. Conrad tried to keep his tone light. “So, I just saw the heartrender walk into a room with Dirtyhands,” he made sure that he didn’t use their names. Liling and Slava already though he believed grisha were witches.

“What?”

“If the heartrender knows Dirtyhands, she might be working for him,” Conrad said through his teeth.

“Oh. Why would he be interested in, uh, our sick friend?” Wylan looked in the direction Nina had gone.

“I don’t know. I’ll find out, though. I really don’t want to worry them, so don’t tell them and laugh like I made a joke,” Conrad laughed, leaning back against the wall. Wylan laughed too, though it honestly wasn’t that convincing.

Dinner came, the circular tables in the dining hall covered in food. Fish and rice mostly, that’s what was cheap to buy, herring because of the sea access and rice because of the trade agreement with the Shu. Rice didn’t go bad and was easily bought in bulk. There were also various breads and cheeses, and a couple of desserts. Conrad forced himself and everyone else to eat some of the food, despite their nerves. Nina didn’t sit with them. Liling couldn’t eat much, nearly threw up from just plain rice.

They went back to Wylan’s room, as usual, the only difference being that Nina was tagging along. When they got in everyone went to their normal spots, Slava on top of the dresser. Conrad in front of the window, sitting in the chair for the desk. Liling on the bed, And, well, before Liling had been poisoned Wylan had been on the bed with Liling. Now he stood in front to the chairless desk to make charcoal water. Nina closed the door behind them all and leaned against it. “So, all we’ve been doing so far is giving her some charcoal water, it doesn’t really do anything to stop the poison, but it helps with her stomach and absorbs some of the toxins,” Wylan explained it wasn’t very commonly known that activated charcoal could help with these types of things. The only reason he knew about it was, the same reason he knew anything about medicine, because he’s had a tutor whose sister had served as a medic in the first army during the war.

“Where are you getting it?” Nina questioned, moving toward him. Wylan’s cheeks went red again. “Well it’s just made out of some of my drawing charcoals and tap water. I’m about to make some now if you want to see.” Nina nodded, reminding herself that she was supposed to know about this kind of stuff. She looked over his shoulder as he began the process. There was a gas lantern on the desk that he flicked on. He grabbed one of his charcoals and crushed it on top of a metal plate that must have been stolen from the dining room. He set the plate on top of the lantern. The bottom of it was already slightly darkened from the flame.

“This helps sterilize it a little bit and begins activating it,” Wylan explained as dry crunching sounds came from the plate. He stepped away from the desk then, grabbing a metal cup from the bedside table and going into the bathroom. He came back with the cup, now about two thirds full of water. “Tap water isn’t the best, but… yeah.” Wylan switched the plate for the cup, which barely covered the lamps opening. “It’s kind of precarious so, don’t jostle the table or anything. We’ll have to wait for this to boil. I know that, ideally, we’d heat them both at the same time but we can’t, so this works, even if it means boiling them together for longer.” Conrad smiled a fond smile. Wylan always talked more when it was about these things, it was a passion. Nina nodded like she understood what he was talking about. “Do you want me to do the check while we wait for that?” Nods from all around the room.

She stepped forward. She hated tricking them like this. She moved her hands over Liling, helping her heart pump at a steadier rhythm, that tugged on a few for Liling’s nerves so that they’d stop sending messages to the brain about the pain in her stomach, at least temporarily. She couldn’t do anything about the fever, but this would convince them she could help. A cheap trick, but an effective one. “How does that feel?”

“Oh! My stomach doesn’t hurt as much. Thank you.” Liling exclaimed, shifting into a more comfortable position. Conrad crossed his legs and glared at Nina. She didn’t seem to notice. There was a clink from the desk and Nina turned to see Wylan carefully pouring the charcoal off the plate into the boiling water. “How do you know so much about medicine?” She asked. Conrad narrowed his eyes at her. Wylan answered her without looking up from his task. “Tutors. I used to be a rich kid before… this.” Wylan was a bit proud of himself for saying it so casually. Even if his face went pink, they couldn’t see it anyway. This was the first time he’d talked about how he ended up here with anyone. “Before what exactly?” Nina asked, pretending not to notice the way Conrad had blinked at Wylan’s explanation. The way Slava had shifted on the dresser.The way Liling’s shoulders had stiffened a bit. She’d known he used to be rich. What she was tasked with finding out was why there were no rumors or missing posters for Jan Van Eck’s only son.

“That’s a little personal.” Wylan said, turning around. He glanced at Conrad to see how he had reacted to the admission. Conrad gave a small nod of acknowledgement.

“Sorry,” Nina said. Obviously Wylan wasn’t the ‘here let me tell you my whole life story’ type. She’d either have to figure it out herself, make him talk, or try to earn his trust. The first option, she doubted she could do with out more help. The second option, she could do, but it would be a hassle and she’d really rather not do it. The third she doubted she had enough time for, but it was the most preferable option. So it would be plan C for now, and if it didn’t work, back to plan B. Wylan used the end of a paintbrush to stir the water in the cup, which had turned a dark grey. “That’s fine.” His head was carefully bent, the light shining off his hair as he used a small towel to pick up the hot cup. He set it down on the table and wrapped the towel around it like cozy. He picked it back up and handed the warm charcoal water to Liling, maneuvering around Nina. Liling brought it to her lips, blowing on it and making a face before taking a sip.

“Yeah yeah, it doesn’t taste good, we get it,” Slava jeered from the dresser. “You’re not the one who has to drink it,” Liling said before knocking the whole cup back like Slava’s alcoholic uncle at a wedding.

“I’m not the one who went and pissed off Mistress Isidore so that she’d go and try to kill me,” Slava’s tone was still joking, though she meant her words. The smile that had previously been on Liling’s face fell.

“I did nothing wrong.” She said, suddenly serious. Slava realized that her comment had been taken seriously, she hadn’t meant to cause a fight, but, “You came too close to freedom, Liling. That’s all she fucking needs, I don’t understand why you had to tempt her!”

“I wasn’t tempting her I was earning my freedom,” Liling growled back.

“Which is tempting her! You know she doesn’t let anyone out of here unless it’s on her own terms,” Slava said.

“That’s not my fault,” Liling cried.

“I know it’s not… I’m just angry, ya’ know. I don’t understand why-” she used the heel of her palm to wipe at her eye, “-she is the way she is.” Slava then seemed to realize that there were other people in the room beside her and Liling, including Nina, whom she did not know well enough to feel completely comfortable around yet, let alone comfortable crying in front of. Liling struggled to sit up. “Sorry I yelled at you-”

“You shouldn’t be sorry! I’m the one who started blaming you for all this,” Slava exclaimed, hopping off the dresser and going to Liling. Everyone in the room suddenly felt that they were intruding on something personal. Nina stepped away, and toward the door through pure instinct. Wylan blushed and spun to turn off the gas lamp on his desk. Conrad looked down and crossed and uncrossed his legs.

Slava sat next to Liling on the bed, taking her hands. Still aware of the people in the room. “Li, I just want you to be okay. I don’t think I can take this place without you.”

“I’m sure that you can. You’re so strong,” Liling brushed a hand across the shaved side of Slava’s head, over the brand, as if she were tucking a piece of hair behind Slava’s ear. Slava recaptured Liling’s hand, laid them both in her lap. She then crossed her legs, bringing them up onto the bed, kicking off her shoes along the way. She leaned against the headboard and Liling shifted so that her head against Slava’s thigh.

“I hope that you two don’t plan on sleeping there. Wylan kinda needs it later,” Conrad said. Wylan let out a puff of laughter, and was surprised when Nina did as well.

“You speak Fjerdan? What did he say? Wylan doesn’t tell us sometimes,” Slava said, looking between Nina and Conrad. Conrad looked cross at this development. After everyone had left, gone to their respective rooms and to sleep, Conrad lingered. “Why would a healer, presumably from the Little Palace, know Fjerdan so well?”

“I don’t know Conrad, maybe she was rich too,” Wylan grumbled sarcastically from his desk, now complete with a chair. Conrad continued to pace across the room. “She’s not a healer, she knows Dirtyhands. I don’t trust her.”

“You don’t have to trust her. She’s helping Liling, even if she wasn’t trained as a healer or whatever,” Wylan said, not looking up from whatever he was doing. “If she wasn’t trained to heal, she can’t heal. It’s a trick!” Conrad stopped pacing and looked at the door. Opened it.

“Goodnight, Conrad.”

Conrad did not respond. Closing the door behind him, he stiffly walked to Nina’s room. Some would call it a march. He rapped on her door. She opened it. A fire was crackling. Nina up glared at him.

“What do you want?” Well, that was a different attitude than he was used to. He tried not to show it. Conrad looked up and down the brightly lit hallways, he watched a woman dressed in a white-silver gown was dragged down the hallway. Saw the man say something to the woman, saw her mutter and gesture down the hall. The man dragged her the way she’d pointed and the door slammed.

“Can I come in? I’d rather not be interrupted.” She huffed, but opened the door wider and stepped aside.

“What do you want?” She said again, and Conrad heard a very faint accent on her words. Conrad sighed, stepping in and closing the door. “I just want to know know if you’re actually a healer.”

“What?” Nina whipped around from where she was in front of the door.

“You don’t act like a healer, I just want to-”

Nina cut him off with a hiss, “Drüskelle.”

Conrad moved to take a step back, but found himself frozen. A hertrender then. “No, no. I’m not. I swear,” he rushed to explain.

He still couldn’t move. Nina narrowed her eyes. “I suppose if you were a Drüskelle you’d have tried to kill me before now. Still, what do you want.”

Conrad let a rush of air, thankful that she hadn’t questioned him further. “I just want to know if you can actually help Liling. She deserves to live, not to be caught up in one of Dirtyhands’ schemes.”

“Now, who said anything about Dirtyhands?” This was more familiar, words said in a sultry tone, leaning sensually against the stone table in the corner of the room. Conrad shook out his wrist, stiff from not moving, and had a distinct feeling that she was playing with him.

“I saw you go into a room with him this morning,” he said, and put himself in the opposite corner of the room, as far away as he could get, and close to the door. She hummed. “He was just dropping off this,” She turned around and reached under the stone table, bringing up a canvas bag and setting it down at her elbow.

“What’s that?” Conrad eyed the bag wearily. “Come over here and see for yourself.”

Conrad rolled his eyes this time. He made his way across the room, almost forgetting the fire pit, narrowly missing it as he made his way to Nina. The canvas was stained by dirt and a drawstring held it closed. He looked at Nina, who shrugged at him. A vague go ahead. His still stiff fingers tugged at the opening. Inside were different bags of herbs and... acorns? “Is this…” he clutched the bag tightly.

“What Wylan asked for? The potential cure for Liling? Yes. So, actually, I can help your friend, but, that’s not what I was hired for.”

“What?”

The ‘what’ represented a lot of feelings. Confusion as to what exactly was going on, he’d had a few clues and had seen no way to string them together. Now, suddenly she was offering explanations, but none that he’d thought of. The only thing he had know for sure was that she was not a healer, and the only thing he’d come to ask was if she could help Liling. Now he was a tangled mess of questions and feelings. Primarily, though, the ‘what’ represented the outrage he felt. She, a girl none of them knew, who had seen that Liling did not deserve what Mistress Isidore did (no one did), would withhold a medicine, a cure, because it was not what she’d been hired for?

“I was hired to get information on Wylan, to figure out why Jan van Eck hasn’t filed a missing person’s report.” Conrad had no idea who Jan van Eck was.

Nina saw his confusion and let out a caramel laugh that matched her cocked hips and wavy hair. “Ask your friend.”

#btt #better than that #wylan van eck #nina zenik #soc #soc fanfic #six of crows #six of crows fanfic #au #iamarosegarden #iamarosegarden writes #iamarosegarden updates #:)#ugh #tagging sux

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