#lil vent ig idk
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Can ignore, just me whining
I just love having an idea and motivation to draw something for someone but then see someone else's art for that person and suddenly loose all the motivation because it's so much better and mine won't even compare (/sarc I hate it with all my body.)
You have no idea how many unfinished and not even started drawings I have because of such thoughts. I just feel kinda useless tbf
(Will probably delete this later)
#lil vent ig idk#ig the reason explaining why i dont draw so much anymore#ik this sounds silly because people would say “ohh but theres people who draw worse than you”#idk man. idk why i feel this way its weird ik and doesnt really make sense
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A personal struggle I have is picturing things happening over such a long timespan. Its a little easier for tpotc because its all involving gods.
But it does mean my au timeline doesn't nearly last for hundreds of years compared to other peoples and the events from start of game to current update takes, as I've mapped out for myself, about 21 years or so.
Which for gods its nothing but idk, I think there's something about the speed and frailty of mortality that humbles ex-gods real fast especially if your new God of Death vowed off ressurections after the last one reminded them of the real mortal lives being toyed with.
Of course theres also just. Lamb gave everyone a Gold Skull Necklace when they got a chance to because they're lonely and the kids just age real slowly (Skull Necklace) and it does actually take place over hundreds or so years.
There's two options to go ig.
#the one rambles too long#idk it's something I'm a lil insecure about ig#it would go well in line with 'well the bishops got forgotten' but also i don't rotate followers#pondering. ig. the fast timeline in game is definetly more of a mechanic thing to keep followers circulating to constantly gain loyalty-#-especially with the nerf (rip switch lvl 50 narinder)#basically i don't have a concrete like YEARS timeline i just have a cycle of events timeline#and use the lamb and pupdessa's designs to establish what place in those events a doodles taking place#vent#because it is a lil bit of a vent lmao
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*talking about my friendships of almost 17 years* see they actually hate me and I'm not part of their life at all and they never think about me in the first place and when the time comes to meet up I'm just a nice accessory that doesn't bother them too much
#johnny's silly rambles#the way i was so flabbergasted when my friend bought me a lil notebook#they always do that but STILL I'M CRYING#and I didn't even have the time to thank her properly😭#but still I'm so distant to them#idk IDK if I'm just making stuff up in my head#but ig they'll never see our friendship as deep as i do#yet still.... ugh it all doesn't make sense#it's 2:34 again.... argh#vent#*the notebook was from their exchange btw idk if that's relevant but when they're somewhere they always get us lil gifts
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yo anyone ever feel so anxious you feel like throwing up. i dont think this should happen a lot. oops.
#idk#emetophobia#in case#and uhhh ig#vent#since i said id start tagging these#wven tho this isnt thay bad i dont think#just a lil teeny bit worried about finishing my thing in time#<- guy who thinks they should be put down
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waow random instance of paranoia. awesome
#funky lil thoughts#vent ish#paranoia? is that the right word?#idk i'm freaked out for no apparent reason except i have a song stuck in my head that's kinda creepy#and my brain isn't handling that well tonight ig
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having. uh. bad memories.
tw for abuse ? below ->
not me trying to nap and having uh memories of how my dad treated me as a kid. like. of him purposefully scaring me over and over again and making fun of me for it (i.e calling me a baby and saying i needed to grow up). not like "boo" kind of scaring but like, threatening to kidnap me and keep me away from my mom if i was ever alone w/ him in the car kind of scaring.
also he'd hit me sometimes too. if i was alone w/ him in public he'd smack my butt. like. all the time. not hard, but. uh. :[ weird.
and uh this stuff still effects me to this day ? i... uh. like negatively. like. anxiety.
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shit, it's Christmas in two days????
#im making this post because I unironically don't know what to do#venting again#I leave my parents house whenever I can when im home because house being messy gives me anxiety#and I could clean but listen#their house is Huge#like id be exhausted and grossed out and also#I don't want to#so ive been occupying myself by going to lil cafes and reading#ive been to barnes and noble like three times in the past week alone (I buy tiny items when im there and just spend time reading at the caf#Christmas Day my parents are prob gonna stay here instead of going to my grandmas house#which ugh#idk what to do!! I could play guitar and piano all day#bc we don't really celebrate Christmas now that my brother and I are Grown#so idk#ig I'll clean the house and eat food and play music#so festive!!!#and think about my crush a lot more and maybe call my friends bc I miss them#hehe im dating my crush like crazy in my head#shes so crazyyyyyy#(me im her)#(but im a dude)#why do I almost want to spend Christmas at my friends' house lol#bc loaded topic but I do NOT talk to my father#lol
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Hey so can u get a divorce like. After I move out of this house. Bc I can't do that shit all over again . Thanks .😑
#sighsssssssssss. they both wanna make me like actually die . like Actually#i hate both of them so much. like genuinely theyre both so fucking insufferable to be in the same house with#🙄 dramatic now are we. goddamn#to be clear i dont . think theyre actually going to divorce anytime soon . who knows whats gonna happen like 5 years from now tho#like. do. what is the normal amt of arguments a married couple have. cuz i think we're leaning into hey this is way too fucking many to-#stay functional . sighs but a little deeper this time.#anwyways .#vent#? kinda . im just tired and i need to get out of this house#god i feel so bad for when lil sis figures out how fucked she is . like in terms of parents ig#idk tho maybe shes not disabled . maybe theyll go easier on her . god i hope so tbh.#yeah . yeah. hoping that she has a brighter future than whatever the fuck ive got going on rn
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im sure school would be easier if I actually tried but I don't really feel like trying
#i keep doing kinda bad on tests n shit cuz i dont study lol i just cant be bothered anymore#idek why. like im really not like this usually i just dont feel like trying anymore#ig i never usually had to try? and i just refuse to make an adjustment?#idk but like srsly why bother. i still dont really have friends here and theres nothing fun about school without friends#like i enjoy one class and thats it. and i bet as soon as it gets harder i wont like it anymore#whatever. i just fucked up a spanish quiz cuz i didnt rly know it was happening and didnt care to study anyways#so im a lil upset at everything#misty muses#vent
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eep!
#cryptic ramblings#in the tags#feelinggggg a little bit neglected by me irl friend group 😖#just like. every time i say smthn/yap a lil i dont tend to get much acknowledgement??#vs the other two will always get some kinda acknowledgement etc both from me and the other (theres 3 of us)#idk im hoping its my pre-period bs talking n overanalyzing things but like... idk#bc its like. we're all stressed bc of our jobs n like other stuff#n we all share w eachother! abt those stressors! n we sympathize n offer advice n help where necessary!#like these r my Best Friends. theyd both be my Co-Smthn Of Honor when i get married!!! so i dont wanna assume smthn negative abt em yk??#but i just... yknow... feel a lil... blergh#like neglected is kinda too strong but just like.. im kinda annoying??? bothersome maybe??? idk#like if uve seen some of my other tags ive been stressed tf out over cleaning my room bc i had a certain deadline (which was today)#n last night was the worst of my stress but it was the most id done n i shared this w them but another one of em shared some their own stuff#n we all responded to them while i did not get anything n it made me feel a bit ignored 🥴#n ik i should prob bring this up to them but like i also dont wanna guilt them into feeling likr they HAVE to respond to everything i send!!#bc sometimes i rly Do Be sending just stuff tht doesnt rly require a response like truly#n i get just not rly having anything to say either so mmmmmm idk#def think im overthinking it all n my dumb pms hormones or w/e are making me overreact as a result but i just wanted to vent a bit#get it off my chest. yk how it is#(i also hope this isnt the One Time one of em decides to hop onto tumblr after YEARS of not using it 🥴🥴)#IM the resident tumblrite so itd be quite a coinkydink if one of em hopped on outta nowhere 😖#...anyways... yeah thats p much it)#i love em!!! i dont think i could Not Love Em!!! but my brain's just bein rejection-sensitive or smthn#n taking the lack of responses twrd my shit as Rejections ig#is wack#end of vent. thanks if u read all this lol
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bitches prolly out here psychoanalyzing my old art on behalf of my abuser to cushion their belief that im a Horrible Person but then dont see the irony when I point out the shitty things my abuser has drawn and how I see it as clear evidence of their mindset and beliefs (of what's okay to do and how to treat people) descending and pairing that along with everything else they've done and it paints a clear picture of how this person got to the point of thinking it was okay to abuse me the way they did and then the people looking for reasons to hate me through my art will act like "they're just drawings !!!" about their art. which one is it. does someones art say something about them or not? or does it only say something about them if you hate them?
#personally I think me making fun of a douchey type of dude is less bad than drawing 'rape is fun' but yknow#ig I can just weigh the gravity of how bad each thing is accurately idk#vent#'yeah but you started to identify with the douche bag character !!' well- even before i realized I wanted to be him- the plot was#already that he was going to grow out of being a dick. him and mj were going to help eachother realize their flaws and become better#to eachother and everyone else. so by the time i DID realize I wanted to be a guy I already had in mind the mature version of him#floating around but I didn't really post about it bc I didn't want to spoil anything at the time#and it took me a LONG TIME to accept that I wanted to be snake. I was trans before that. and then when I was close to accepting it#I had that whole 'lsd' thing that made me slink back into my shell bc the people I was around made me feel like I would never be a guy#so instead I figured if I couldn't be snake then the next best thing was to be *with* him and started to self ship myself w him and he#evolved even more into an even more mature version of him that by the time I got out on the other side of feeling like I couldn't#be a guy I had this more serious and mature version of him in my mind and started to accept that I wanted to be him and basically was him#and just didn't know bc that version of snake was more like me than the one I made in 2013/14#in 2013/14 I was only ever considering my comic in the context of some sort of comedy and just wanted to make a douchey character#to make fun of bc I had a lot of douchey people in my life who I felt like needed to be knocked down a peg and I figured the best way#to do that was to make an example out of them via the old version of snake and have him be an overly confident asshole whos hubris#often gets himself humbled even if hes too prideful to accept or admit it#at this point in time I didn't really see much of myself in any of my ocs. maybe a lil bit in mj and (mostly)peaches bc I didn't know it wa#ok to id with a guy... but even when I did subconsciously id with him here n there...i didnt relate to snakes douchey-ness like at all.#sometimes I jokingly act like a douche but again its for the same reason that I made snake a douche back then in the first place-#to make fun of people like that- to hopefully show them how foolish they are by me mirroring them or. alternatively. making people#laugh at me acting that way because pretending to act like a douche is easier to enjoy and laugh at than dealing w an actual douche#i'd do it with my ex-bestfriend all the time- I made snake such a dick because we'd laugh about it together and bc we wanted to make#fun of the dicks around us who lacked any self awareness and if not that any actual fuck about how lame and shitty they come off#what can I say. it's fun to mock people sometimes.#when I actually started to accept it my first pic I drew of him being obviously trans was in 2016... soo a couple months before I remet#my abuser...#which honestly explains why that whole relationship was so rough on me. I had just finally accepted myself and then this person comes#along and tries to smear me and gaslight me into thinking im Horrible for who I am. like. hello???????#my first time fully being myself was with them and their friend group and they all accepted me until their cult leader told them not to
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Hoi, i just woke today and also feel tired
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pro tip if you have a mental breakdown while listening to september by sparky deathcap amped up on headphones you feel like a little star exploding and mannnn is it great
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i'm so tired
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I wanna say it sometimes
#i appreciate the compliments but i also know im a lil unhealthy abt the way i make art#i spend days on sketches that normally would only take 30 minutes because i avoid working on them completely#bc im so indecisive with very simple decisions to the point i just don't do anything#and then i spend way too long on making sketches and lines look clean and tidy when i want to be able to make messy shit once in a while#but to me. ive set the standard too high so if i start doing messy art now its like im downgrading the quality of my work#in favor of speed or enjoyment ig#i would very much like to just not care and draw things poorly until i get the hang of them#or just because i want to draw smthn quickly#yet when i try i always end up either going overboard & rendering or just completely dropping the projects i was messily working on#idk#just thinking#mini rant#ig#vent art#art rant#elliot rambles
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