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sneverussape · 2 years ago

Text

if wishes were fishes

this has been sitting in my drafts for a while and i stumbled upon it when clearing up. it's a good thing too because i was also missing this au!

@greens-your-color prompt # 90 - HOGWARTS

summary: lily is faced with the reality of severus' condition and how it opens up different paths for the both of them.

wc: 3296

“So what do you think then?”

“Of what?”

“Hogwarts. I mean…we both got letters. You’ve had yours for a while.”

“Which is proof that I actually am older, thanks very much.”

“Severus. Be serious.”

“Well, I wasn’t joking.”

Lily huffed out an annoyed sigh. She clenched her fingers tight around the thick envelope she had in her hand. The same one Professor McGonagall had handed to her just that morning, nearly identical to the envelope that Severus had received on his own birthday just two weeks past. Her name glistened in green ink across the back:

Miss L. C. Evans

The Corner Bedroom with Lots of Sun

10 Hartington Rd.

Chiswick, London

She hadn’t opened it yet, and had merely satisfied herself with rubbing her finger against the raised wax seal. She knew what it said, anyway. She had read Severus’ own letter (addressed to Mr S. T. Evans, The Green Room at the End of the Hall)several times already since he had a habit of leaving it out in random corners of the house. She suspected he had also gone through it several times, although she had yet to see him actually take more than a passing glance at it.

Severus himself was at his desk, busy with an RC car that he had taken apart and was putting back together ‘with modifications’. He didn’t seem to be the least bit bothered with what Lily was trying to ask him. That was the most annoying bit. Lily already felt fit to explode, and her brother, who she felt should have felt the same at the very least, was carrying on with his usual business. It was, she silently fumed, completely unacceptable.

“Severus, you know what Professor McGonagall said—”

“She said lots of things. You have to be more specific.”

Lily narrowed her eyes at her brother, quickly losing patience. “Well, are you coming to Hogwarts with me or not?” she asked, her tone more than a little snippy. It didn’t seem as though Severus was even listening to her but she knew that he was, because his hands suddenly stopped fiddling with the chassis of the car that he was trying to snap closed.

Professor McGonagall had given Severus and their parents only until the end of the month to decide whether or not Severus wanted to be admitted into the school. That was tomorrow, and none of them had so far given any indication that they had made a decision, despite the old professor having shown up again earlier that day to give Lily her letter. Because they had already been given the full introduction to Hogwarts during Severus’ birthday, she hadn’t bothered to do the same with Lily, although she had offered to answer any further questions Lily had that had yet to be addressed.

The only thing Lily wanted to know, really, was whether or not her brother was going to come with her.

“Do you want me to go?” Severus asked. He refused to look at her, and was fiddling with a piece of sellotape that he’d peeled off of God-knows-where. The question made Lily feel several emotions at once.

“What kind of a stupid question is that?” she said, suddenly feeling defensive. “Of course I do!”

Severus hummed under his breath and proceeded to put the RC car back together. He’d previously fixed it so that it could now zoom up steep inclines, and had also wired it a certain way so that it would play the Macarena when it got to a certain speed. The car looked ridiculous now with its bits and bobs but Lily had no doubts that whatever Severus had added on to it this time would still work.

She flopped down on the braided rug beside Mercutio and waited for her brother to respond further. She knew he was going to; when Severus was thinking over his words he jiggled his legs, and the way he was going now was making his desk rattle.

It wasn’t that he couldn’t go to Hogwarts. When Professor McGonagall had explained Hogwarts in its entirety to them and their parents for the first time, she had done it in such a way that the people they had all met up and down Diagon Alley and St. Mungo’s never had, which was that she answered all their questions clearly and honestly, and it was only then that they all began to realize the implications of going there would be, especially for Severus.

It was…all in all, a typical school, but there were flying lessons, Charms classes, moving staircases, even poltergeists. It was everything Lily looked forward to seeing and experiencing, especially after she had been exposed to the Wizarding World for a while now, but also ones she knew would be a challenge for her brother. At the moment he was on an indefinite trial run for potions to help dampen his accidental magic whenever he had a fit and had to submit to testing once a month. That didn’t even count the times when he had to go to hospital just because his magic was going mad due to his epilepsy. Lily wasn’t sure what would happen if he moved up north. Would the Healers have to go to him? Would that also mean he’d be excused from classes or study period? What if he had a fit in school?

“I can help keep an eye on you, you know, in Hogwarts. Even if we were in different Houses. Maybe I can even ask them if we could be in the same one,” Lily said, voicing what she’d already decided for herself. Severus threw her a look from where he was sitting, looking bewildered.

“It’s school, Lils. You’re not there to play nursemaid.” Severus sounded annoyed. Lily frowned at him.

“It’s not as if it’s going to be any different than how it would be when we’re here,” she countered, fully prepared to win the argument she knew was about to take place. Their family had already gotten used to certain routines that usually revolved around Severus’ needs. Admittedly, it was not something Lily always looked forward to doing: hospital stays, checkups, tests, and emergencies took up a lot of time and were all very tiring, not to mention, scary. But she was used to it, somewhat. She knew what to do at least if something happened. Whether or not they’d be at home or at Hogwarts, how different would it be? Wouldn’t it even be better since they would be among wizards all the time? At least there no Muggles would be at risk, and the Ministry wouldn’t have to keep warning them about the Statute of Secrecy…

Severus snorted derisively. “It wouldn’t even be nearly the same. It’d be way different.”

“I know how to handle your stuff!”

“Lily, you can’t call 999 if anything happens up there. You heard what McGonagall—”

“Professor McGonagall.”

“—Professor McGonagall,” Severus rolled his eyes in a way that she knew would have made Mum scold him if she’d seen, “said. Muggle things don’t work in Hogwarts. And you can’t be with me all the time.”

“Well, you have Mercutio, don’t you?” Her brother’s service dog had a special magical collar that also acted as a portkey in emergencies, and was trained to transport Severus to St. Mungo’s in those circumstances, as well as alert their parents. “He’ll be right there with you. You wouldn’t need to call 999.”

“Yeah, but it’s dangerous for him to be there as well.” Severus lifted his leg up from the floor to rest his foot on the chair. He hugged his knee to his chest. “He’s not a magical pet. Professor McGonagall said she doesn’t know if the magic will affect him. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“So, what are you saying then?” Lily’s hand had found Mercutio and she rubbed his belly as she stared resolutely at her brother. Her stomach had started doing funny little flips as the conversation went on. “Are you going or not?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to go.” Severus didn’t look at her as he spoke. He looked defeated, almost. The same way he did when the Healers and doctors wanted him to take something nasty that they said could help him. “But I don’t think I can.”

Lily felt her face grow warm at his words, already indignant on his behalf. The hold she had on her Hogwarts letter tightened considerably.

“Of course you can!” she snapped. “Who said you can’t? Professor McGonagall already said you can!”

“Will you listen?” Severus turned to her, looking more than a little angry now. Lily stuck her tongue out at him.

“It’s my birthday,” she reminded him. “If you’re rotten to me today, I will tell on you.”

Severus groaned but then stood up and, to her surprise, went to join her on the rug. He stretched out on his back, sandwiching Mercutio between them. Mercutio, great big loyal brat that he was, moved away from Lily to edge up against his charge.

“I want to go to Hogwarts more than anything in the world.” Severus said, in a voice so soft that Lily wasn’t sure he was even speaking.

“So why don’t you?” Lily softened her tone to match her brother’s. Her fingers started twisting around a loose piece of thread that hung off her shirt sleeve. “I mean…it’ll be really fun, Sev. We’ll be among wizards 24/7 and won’t need to worry about the Statute or anything. And we’ll be learning magic properly. Next time we go to St. Mungo’s we can brag to Healer Livingston that we won’t need the special wards anymore for uncontrolled magic.”

She had meant for it to be comforting, but that sentiment quickly melted away when she saw Severus’ expression.

“You won’t.” Severus gave her a crooked smile. “But I will.”

“It won’t be forever, surely—” she felt herself flush as she desperately attempted to cover up her faux pas, but Severus was already waving a hand to stop her.

“Lily! Stop. Don’t even say it. You know it’s forever.”

“No, it’s not!”

Although there were times when talking about Severus’ condition was all right and normal, other times it made her unspeakably angry. This was clearly one of those times.

“You don’t know that it’s forever,” she repeated. “The doctors and Healers have all said there’s still a chance you can outgrow it or get rid of it.”

“Muggles can.” Severus said, addressing her as though she were a small child. Lily resented him for it. “I won’t be able to, unless they figure out the proper potions for it.” He shrugged, his bony shoulders nearly reaching up to his ears. “I’d have to keep going to St. Mungo’s and doing all the tests and things too anyway, and I can’t do it if I’m at Hogwarts.”

His logic was still unclear to her. “That’s not true,” Lily protested. “Surely there’s an infirmary there of some sort for ill students? And the Healers can go to Hogwarts if they need to.”

“Yes, but…I don’t want to be different. You heard McGonagall: I’m a ‘special case’.” He made air quotes around the word and made it somehow sound even more sarcastic. “There’s been no one like me at Hogwarts, so they’re also not sure how to handle it. I can’t even Floo on most days…what’s going to happen when we have to learn to Apparate?”

“Well, we adjust. Why wouldn’t they?” Forget indignance; she felt rage. Was he saying that he didn’t expect people to change up some things to accommodate him? Was that what McGonagall had meant? She couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t, in the first place. She shook her head, desperate to maintain her stance. “I’m sure you’re worrying over nothing. Hogwarts is more than capable of making arrangements for you.”

Lily understood the struggle of being in Muggle school with the condition Severus had, but Hogwarts was a magic school, for Merlin’s sake. Surely they could — would — accommodate her brother’s needs. What kind of horrid school wouldn’t? Especially since it was magic that was causing all this trouble in the first place.

“But that’s just it, Lils. I don’t want them to adjust. I don’t want…people staring and pointing and giving me a label like…I don’t know. The boy who can’t control his magic? The boy who falls to the floor at random and has fits? Epilepsy isn’t a wizarding illness, remember? They don’t know about it at all, and I don’t want to explain it to wizarding kids. It’s hard enough to do it with the adults.”

Lily was finding it hard not to snap at her brother. “So you won’t go because you’re scared?” she said, knowing the word would trigger him into getting angry. She needed his anger now, to goad him into changing his mind, but to her surprise, he just shrugged.

“I am scared,” he said. “There are too many unknown things. I don’t want to hurt other people, or Mercutio. And I don’t want to be hurt.” He made a face. “You’re a pain but I don’t want people to make fun of you because of me either.” His gaze traveled elsewhere, refusing to look at her face. “They already do that here, sometimes. I’ve heard them.”

It was Lily’s turn to roll her eyes. Her brother was seriously underestimating what she was capable of. “I think I can handle myself, thank you very much.”

Severus smirked. “You’ll end up crying every day and have eyes so swollen you wouldn’t be able to see with them.”

Lily’s eyes widened. She hated it when her siblings teased her about how easily she cried.

“Hey—!”

“And I’d have to write Mum and Dad and tell them about it, and Toons is going to freak because our owls will probably fly into her classroom by mistake.”

Lily gasped, this time in delight. She and Severus had already gotten their own owls, back on Severus’ birthday. Needless to say, Petunia had not been pleased, always nattering on about feathers and droppings and such, even though Apollo and Artemis were extremely well-behaved, in Lily’s opinion.

“You think they would go to her though? If they can’t get to Mum and Dad?”

Severus grinned. “Undoubtedly.”

They shared a giggle at Petunia’s expense but when Lily caught her breath, tears had already pooled at the corners of her eyes. She quickly sat up, wiping at her face furiously with her shirt sleeve.

“I won’t go then.” She declared. “I don’t want to be there without you. Oh Sev! It’s so unfair!”

Severus looked up at her with a stunned expression. He pulled himself up to a sitting position and glared at her.

“Don’t say such horrible things, Lily! You want to go. I know you do. And you should! It’ll just be like how we’re already doing school here—”

“No it’s not!” Lily snapped at him. “You know it isn’t. It’s going to be completely different! How would you be able to stand still learning Maths and History and Geography when you could be learning about spells and potions and how to make things float! It isn’t the same, Severus. So either we both go or none of us goes.”

Severus sighed. “You’re being ridiculous.”

Lily sniffled. Even though she had already decided she could still feel her heart breaking. “I’ll tell Mum and Dad later.”

“You’re being stupid.” Severus said, but his tone wasn’t as sharp as it usually would have been. “Lily. You have to go to Hogwarts. You’re a witch. There’s no reason for you not to go. And besides…” A mischievous glint suddenly twinkled in Severus’ eyes. “You need to go. You don’t have a choice.”

Lily turned to her brother to frown at him. Quickly she wondered if he’d gone soft in the head within the last ten minutes that they’d been talking. “What?”

“Think about it: if you go to Hogwarts and learn all the stuff, we can invent even more new spells and things to test out when you come home. It would drive Healer Livingston mad.”

The prospect of unleashing havoc in St. Mungo’s just to see Healer Livingston’s face was too tempting. Lily bit her lip. “Sev, you have to be learning all this stuff with me! I can’t stand knowing you won’t be able to. And I’m not a very good teacher anyway. I can’t come home and suddenly just teach you everything!”

“Who says you’d have to?” Severus had a glint in his eye that Lily already knew forewarned trouble. “Lils…you’re a genius! Clever little crybaby.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I won’t be going to Hogwarts, but I will be asking McGonagall if I can still take up the lessons that you lot are going to take. You remember when Healer Aggarwal had that patient at the Spells Damage ward who was a private tutor? He was tutoring wizarding kids, so there must be someone they can get to keep me up to speed with whatever you’re taking up. It can’t be that hard. And I learn fast.”

Lily rolled her eyes, but couldn’t really contest Severus’ claim. Her brother was clever, and frighteningly so. She didn’t doubt that he could learn magic as well as he had already taken to Muggle lessons.

“We’ll tell her then. Tomorrow. You’ll be going to Hogwarts in the fall, but we’ll be getting two sets of whatever books and things you’re buying for school. I’m not going to be falling behind.”

His tone was decidedly final, and somehow, Lily felt comforted by the compromise. She had wanted Severus to be alongside her at Hogwarts, learning magic, but logically knew that Severus was right to refuse the invitation. Besides, in this way…it would be nice to have a space that was just hers and where she wasn’t reduced to ‘Severus’ sister’. She loved her brother but it did get tiring to live under his shadow, or relegating herself to the side all the time since his needs came first.

Suddenly, the whole plan didn’t sound mad at all.

“Are you sure then?” she asked, not wanting for Severus to tease her for changing her mind so suddenly about not going. He was already grinning.

“Positive! Back me up tomorrow so Mum and Dad will also agree. They probably will anyway. I don’t think they want me to be so far away either but they’re scared of keeping me back.”

“And if Professor McGonagall doesn’t agree?”

“Oh she will,” Severus said confidently. “She looked rather impressed that I could already do level 1 Transfigurations.”

“You cheat!” Lily said hotly. “We both can do it! Did you tell her Andi and Tonks have been teaching us all these years?”

“Well she didn’t ask.” Severus grinned. This time he looked at Lily. “It’ll be fine, Lils. You can go to Hogwarts then tell me all about it. I’ll learn magic here and then when you come home, I’ll blast your arse out the door.”

Lily colored. “Rude!” She got to her feet. “I’m telling Mum and there’ll be no cake for you after dinner.”

The echoes of Severus’ laughter trailed her as she left his bedroom, and despite her annoyance, Lily smiled at the sound. She hugged her Hogwarts letter to her chest, finally allowing herself to feel excited at the prospect of her attending.

She was going to Hogwarts! And Severus was going to be staying where he was safest. Even if McGonagall didn’t agree Lily had already decided to teach him her lessons herself, or maybe Andi could. Or knew someone who could. Either way it wasn’t the end.

Everything would be just fine.

end.

#it's always a stomach-dropping moment when as a kid you realize just how different your tomorrows would be #compared to a sibling who is not as healthy #there's a whole grieving process #lils and toons process these realizations differently #lily is more prone to tears; toons is anger #guess who is me?? ahahahaha #[it's toons :))))]#evans!severus #au #my fic #snape #lily evans #hp

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