#like.. had he already given up on it because he didnt believe he was capable of being in a relationship with his powers?

[oceanwithouthermoon]

saiki being in a romantic relationship (or alternatively, actually trying to be in one) for the first time and having no experience or knowledge on what to do, so he falls back on behaviors hes picked up from the people around him..

but the most romance hes seen close up are his parents, aiura + teruhashi + yumehara with crushes and trying to flirt, etcetc (toritsuka does not count cuz what he does is hardly romantic, and that one time kuboyasu was ready to drop everything and marry a girl immediately doesnt count either cuz saiki expressively thought that was too much)

PLUS his own 'secret' obsession with romance stories and cliches..

so like.. crushy honeymoon romance is the only romance he KNOWS..

he would definitely find it too embarrassing to actually be as consciously lovey dovey as his parents are, and wouldnt want to try and be some 'knight in shining armor' like yumehara imagined him at first, but i think that 1) it would be a lot more subconscious and he would just not know any better than to latch onto his partner and 2) he would just choose (consciously AND subconsciously depending on the situation) to just try and do what he knows but in a subtle way..

like, he wouldnt write a love letter and pair it with a homemade chocolate heart like yumehara did, but he might write little notes (which are probably more like encouraging little phrases and paragraphs like a mom would put in her kids lunch than sweet love notes) and make baked goods for someone..

its probably mostly his mom that he models his behavior after, so he cooks for his person a lot and his most notable love language is probably acts of service

thats obviously not his only love language though, quality time was always his biggest until it came to romance and acts of service just barely weighs it out. words of affirmation is a big one for him too.. physical touch is also important for him, but not in the way that it would be for most people i think. its part of his love language more in a way that if he wants to touch a person at ALL, its an expression of love.. i think he would be big on sitting close together so his thighs and hands are just barely touching theirs, holding onto someones arm or having his arm be held, stuff like that..

[tapestryundone]

constantly thinking abt the long quiet and the shifting mound and their relationship w humanity. because the two are very much not mortal and even in the what happens next ending its very ambiguous if they ever WILL be or Can be. but even still they have both felt what its like to be mortal

i feel like its vague if the entity the two used to be even percieved its own existence. the way the narrator talks about it makes it seem like the two only existed conceptually and as a result lacked a complete sense of identity, and didnt need to, and wouldnt want to. but in the same way a thought cannot be unthought, the narrator gave them a glimpse into what it felt like to be mortal and the two can never un-know it, even if it wasnt exactly the same

the long quiet in particular seems especially tied to humanity and in some aspects seems to want to BE human (which feels so potent given how decidedly Not human he is). the game tends to imply that every option you get is a thought he DOES have, and in the spaces between, the choices dont seem as influenced by a given voice, which highlights even more how much he feels conflicted on his own nature that he gets Multiple options to express discomfort with himself being a god

it just gets to me how one of the options during the fight is literally "appeal to your shared humanity". because even if the two are gods, their separation and reshaping has given them humanity that they can never un-feel. for how much the shifting mound grieves what she once was, she cannot will her humanity away. shes mourning what the two of them once was and is desperate to have it back at any cost, even though they can never be together how they once were.

even if the long quiet goes with her, theyre still apart and lack balance, because the two once just Were and werent two parts. they werent both halves, they werent two concepts, they were just one concept that happened to, by human eyes, consist of two halves. and the narrators insertion of humanity into the mix in order to separate them, separating them into concepts that humans understood, manually put into existence a struggle for equilibrium where that balance had simply Existed

but theyve already perceived what felt like reality and can never un-see it. they were separated and Need the other to feel whole and for reality to BE whole but the moment that either of them realized their own free will, the moment the two fully came to feel like people, they could never be together the same way once again

im struggling to come up with a metaphor that isnt silly but its like if you took a piece of fabric and cut it in two and made them both into shirts. youve added a piece of humanity into them and doing so cost its original form. to take them apart and try to put them back together would never get you the original, whole piece of fabric back, because theyve been completely changed by their own unique destruction and reconstruction

they were separated in a way that gave them humanity that they have such conflicting feelings on. both seem to have a deep love of humanity but vastly different ideas on what humanity needs to thrive, because its in their natures

in order to get one to kill the other the narrator let the long quiet interpret the both of them as mortal. and for a being of perception and an god thats being lied to, this became part of their limited view of the world, on top of all the other reasons that the two gained humanity. the long quiet couldnt be told what to do if he didnt have the ability to potentially act on the narrators desires, and the shifting mound could never die if the long quiet didnt believe her to be capable of death

the narrator gave the two humanity and the shifting mound is very reasonably distressed by this. because the two of them never asked for this but they cant undo it. it is her OWN subtle desire for things to be the same as they used to be, her own piece of that stagnation that also led to her experiencing humanity, that makes her so adamant during the fight. she misses the long quiet and wants to undo a change that cannot be undone in search of a constant state of being that was taken from her

and the long quiet felt so closely tied to mortality, both its existence and absence, that no matter what, he wants to aid humanity. but hes been lied to and denied autonomy to the point where he doesnt know what that entails. but he wants to be a part of it. he was given fake mortality and cant seem to figure out how he feels

the shifting mound is set in how she feels it best to aid in the existence of life. she is stagnant in her feelings because its all that feels right to her. the long quiet is ever-shifting in how he feels it best to aid in the existence of life. he is changing in his feelings because its all that feels right to him

getting to the heart of the shifting mound allows them a moment to discuss it as the closest they can get to mortals. the two care about their impact on life and what it means to be alive and what better way for the two of them to truly decide what they want to do about it, outside of the conflict thats been forced between them, than as the mortals they never were?

[violeteclipseboaty]

So I recently went to go watch KOTPOTA again. I wanted to share my thoughts overall on the film, I couldn't properly do it before because I had forgotten some stuff lol

The pacing: at first watch I though it was kinda weird but watching it again I realized it pretty much went straight to the point, if anything I wanted MORE but you know the movie would've been too long but I wouldn't have minded either way. I mean, I've watched the Avatar and Harry Potter movies, so yeah I could've handled that lol

I really like the environment they set up with the eagle clan; their culture, their tradition with the eggs, and their bond with the eagles. I hope we get to see more details in the next movie.

The cinematography was amazing, they really nailed it. The sceneries were outstanding. A lot of that stuff reminded me back to Rise, back when it was filled with human life, now sadly the structures are abandoned and overtaken by nature but look pretty either way. The action scenes omg were so engaging and just done so well.

Let's talk about the main characters:

Noa: Great character. He's curious, smart, brave, and compassionate. I know a lot of people wanted him to be Caesar's descendant but i didnt really care about that. I'm excited where his next journey will take us if they have the chance to make a sequel (please 🙏) I'm pretty sure at the end of the film, Noa now has a new view of the world he lives in and now questioning his entire existence lol

Raka: loved him!! I really like how he truly understood what Caesar stood for. I did notice some things he believed were wrong lol but he's got the spirit and would lighten up the mood after what happened with Noa's clan. He's got a good heart, he sacrificed himself for Mae despite knowing her for a very short amount of time after all. Also I refuse to believe he's dead so there's that also and I hope he comes back to guide both Mae and Noa onto the path for the coexistence of both apes and humans.

Soona: I really wish we could've gotten more scenes with her, but I really like her. She's brave, sweet, and a ride or die for both Noa and Anaya. I hope we get to see her more in the next film

Anaya: yall already know cause I made a seperate post lol but loved him and I wish we had more scenes with him as well! I felt so bad for him when we see him again with Proximus, he's been through enough!

Proximus: he was a great villian and I did not like him, which is good! Not all villians need a sad backstory, this dude was clearly only hungry for power. He was twisting Caesar's words, enslaving other apes, killing humans, and wanted access to technology capable of bringing destruction and chaos. He's smart and knows how to be resourceful. I find it funny that he was talking smack about humans yet his way of thinking and actions are similar to the bad side of humanity. I only wish we could've gotten more scenes with him; he was underused and I thought he would have a much bigger role based on the trailers, but I enjoyed his presence overall.

Mae: I've already made a seperate post about her character and I still sorta feel the same way about her. Rewatching it again, I got to sympathize more with her situation. She's a survivor who clearly grew up and was taught misinformation about apes, but after meeting Raka and bonding with Noa; i truly believe she'll come around and change her mind. I believe in her, and I hope we get to see her again and get more of her backstory to understand her better.

The movie was great. The plot, visuals, and acting were so well done. I took about 5 years for them to work on this, and it SHOWS. Their dedication shows that when enough time is given; movies that involve CGI can be done properly. I'm sick of projects being crunched and the visuals ending up looking like 💩 because the teams/artists aren't appreciated enough. I definitely recommend watching at least twice, and I pray for a sequel.

[foodtruckery]

hello back for a longer message

i love how ford gets so quietly pleased when stanley listens to him djfhdk its kind of sweet too because i dont think its just alpha instinct for ford. hes actually a pretty caring dude in his own way. hes happy stan is obeying him but theres just as much satisfaction to getting to take care of stan. it just get ties up in his arrogance a lot of the time so it comes out as "ill take care of you so you need to listen to whatever i say" which stan is def not a fan on (though its stan. dudes not a fan of people caring about him in general lol)

also ford staring at stans gold chain disappearing under his collar ford you horndog you are not subtle even though youve convinced yourself you are

and stan stealing fords clothes yesss. god im just imagining stan seeing ford working out, sweating through the sweater, watching him pull it off and let out this sigh of relief (that sits right between stans ears for a while) and dropping it into the dirty hamper. tells himself hes not thinking about it (he is)

you know after this ford gets so much satisfaction out of this later stan likes his scent even deep in a heat (especially deep in a heat) hed probably be poking around stans stuff when he thinks the man isnt looking to find anymore clothing stashes or maybe even starting his own. stan probably cant wear a lot of fords clothes because of their body differences but i could def see ford putting on stans undershirt underneath his sweater so he can smell like stan

god the mention of ford getting freaked out ough. i wonder if stan has tried to pretend he forgot to do some chore to get out of it - only for ford to give him this badly disguised distressed look and stan immediately feels like an asshole

and ohh boy the scent change. ford obsessed with it and has no idea why YESSSS i love how ford doesnt really question why he wants to crowd stan and pin him down because hes like "oh its instincts thats all" but you know his ass just wants to have stan

do you think stan has figured out by this point that hes going into heat? is that why he asks for space? realizes "well shit. this is happening" and runs away (because his go to is flight always before fight if given the opportunity) or is he still just as blind to the truth as ford is

god im wondering how all of this would go down if stan HADNT gone into heat. if he had just had the scent change gradually like the slow transition he was aiming for. because despite what stan would believe ford would NOT let this go. if anything it might be worse because hed be pressing his advantage wherever he could and try to excuse his behavior with "oh well im an alpha and its instinctual" and stan would get so fed up over it theyd again fight about it and then fuck about it

finally the magnus opus. the climax (in more ways than one) ohhh my GOD stan fucking BEGGING and ford losing his mind a little bit more with every single please dude didnt even HESITATE

honestly you are so fucking right if stan had shown up in heat 30 years ago when ford called him it would not have ended well. you really hit home how fucking OBSESSED ford is with this fantasy and stan is playing into every single bit of it without realizing it (GETTING OFF ON FORDS BED AAAAAAA)

ford is such a little freak though and its so apparent in every thing he does in this scene. cataloguing every reaction, running his hands over stan, fingering him until he comes just from that (just because he can, just because its an option he has, stans in heat he'll be like this for a while ford can enjoy this) talking all gently to him and being a little bit bossy on top of that because he knows stan wont fight him on it oughghghfh YOU ARE KILLING ME

also this line "He'd have to settle for physical evidence until Stan was capable of being interviewed properly." ford you little loser you aint fooling no one just go fuck your brother and maybe you'll calm down

i can already tell stan's gonna have a WILD heat because ford is gonna be pressing his advantage whenever he can. he may as well have pounced on stan when he got down there with how quick he was to use this opportunity for himself. hes literally already thinking about how he can fuck stan over and over now just like hes always wanted ohhh mY GODDDDDD

(and why do i keep thinking about ford trying out different things on stan now. fisting him at one point, forcing stan to describe how his knot feels before he gives it to him again, going faster and harder so stan is screaming into the sheets, slowing down so he can hear the wetness slicking his way, everything and anything he can think of and can get away with.)

and man. when stan finally comes back to himself hes gonna be so angry at himself and the situation and ashamed and embarrassed he might not even be considering too closely how ford behaved during his heat. either chalks it up to hormones or maybe his heat-brain skewing the details a bit so while ford is over there like "I WINNN I WINN THANK YOU UNIVERSE FINALLY" stan is considering if faking his death a second time is a plausible option

finally this whole ending bit:

"Good boy," Ford growled, kissing Stan's wet cheek and his temple and savoring the way he shuddered and whimpered as he pulled his fingers free. Getting his zipper down was enough of a relief to make him groan again. "Let's get you a knot." 

do you hear that? its me screaming from the grand canyon echoing across the planet. ford is SAVORING this. he is SAVORING stan he is sooo fucking happy right now AND!! AND!!! "LET'S GET YOU A KNOT" FUCK YOU THAT HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK

ford is such a condescending little shit that is usually annoying and bitchy of him but its weirdly so hot in bed and lowkey i think stan would agree

fords gonna be getting stan a knot as often as he needs (maybe even more often)

thank you so much again for the treat im chowing down on this candy bar

-🐶

🐶 you did NOT HAVE TO double up on messages but i am SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT and aaaagggggh both of your messages were so kind! ngl full on obsessed with the idea of ford wearing around stan's shirts cause yeah yeah absolutely (stole that for the other trick or treat thing cause how could i not?) i think stan had maybe not quite figured it out when he went to get some time to himself, but he knew he needed to be alone (cause that's what he's always done with his heats, right? go and find somewhere he can lock himself up until it's safe to come up again. that's just part of the process whether he realizes it or not). but then he gets down there, starts dragging out ford's clothes and holy fuck it's too hot and ooooh shit. that's not good.

it will be several days probably before they come up for air.

[pigeonsareevil]

Man, i dont know wether everyone noticed this and im just dumb and oblivious or if im being completely delusional but i think im realising why Dutch trusted Micah so much even when Hosea and Arthur complained about it.

I think what he thought, was that this is going to be a similar scenario to many other gang members in the past when they first joined.

Im not sure but thinking about it, there are many people in the gang that i feel like when they joined, Hosea and Arthur weren't happy about, but they proved themselves to the gang and changed for the better so the older members accepted them.

Hell, this could have been the case with Arthur too. Hosea mentions he was a wild delinquent when they took him in but he changed and that makes me think that Hosea originally didnt want Arthur to join them, but Dutch saw something in this feral orphan, took him in and soon enough, even Hosea grew fond of him. Even came to love him as a son.

I feel like it took a lot of convincing from Dutch to let Arthur stay but when he did, and he saw the man Arthur became, Dutch probably started believing that there is good in everyone and everyone is capable of changing for the better if they are given the chance, that is of course, if he didnt already believe in that.

That is probably how we ended up with many of the gang members who cause a bit of trouble or aren't really contributing to the gang or just the ones Hosea and Arthur arent really fond of. Specific names that come to mind are Bill, Sean and Swanson. Now im definetely not saying i dislike these characters. Nor am i saying that Sean or Bill dont contribute or that Arthur and Hosea dislike Swanson or Sean or anything like that but you get the idea.

Dutch, to me, seems way more open to strangers and troubled people, good example of this is Sadie, he didn't even hesitate about taking her in, she was in trouble and needed help, he didn't care that he didn't know her and she could potentially figure out who they are and tell the law about them (she wouldn't do that of course but someone else could have been in her place, you know) or Maybe even Kieran, who used to be member of their a rival gang but people told Dutch he saved Arthurs life so he let him stay with them. Of course they didnt trust Kieran as much but just the fact that he let him live after, even more, he let him live AND stay with them when he clearly didnt't have to shows that he is way more trusting of strangers whereas Hosea and Arthur are way more protective of the people already in the gang, protecting them from these strangers.

Seems to me like Dutch saw Micah, says the man saved his life? I think? And thought: "there is some goodness inside this person, he just needs an opportunity and a place to change for the better, even if Arthur and Hosea dont agree and say i should cut him loose, what kind of person would i be, preaching about giving people who were wronged by their life and this country a second chance yet throwing this person away after messing up a few times. It took other people in this gang months, even years to change and they did change, Hosea and Arthur used to complain but now those people are a part of their family so why shouldn't i give this person a chance?"

This of course, could have been the case had Micah actually wanted to change from his habbits and break away from his past but i think it is clear that from his dialougue he is happy being just the way he is. He just kept telling Dutch he wants to change so Dutch would let him stay and and Dutch, believing him, dragged the whole gang to destruction because of this, because he put so much time and effort into trying to help, change and save someone who didn't need it

[for-the-sake-of-color]

Happy Oc Sunday! For Nihlus or any one in crisis company!

👑: What does your oc want to be remembered as? Why?

🔫: Do they trust people easily? How easily will they turn their back to someone? Have they been backstabbed before? Will they betray someone if given an ultimatum?

💧: Random angst headcanon

☄️: What do people assume about them? Are they right?

Thanks so much!!! asdjghasgh Sorry this took so long, tumblr desided it didnt like this post so its been hard tryinga get it to post

One Nihlus and Crisis Company, coming right up! (under the cut for lenth purposes) Gonna stop trying to format it and just post it cause this website likes to shit itself anytime you use its own built in features

What Do they want to be Remembered as?

Nihlus: Doesn't want to be remembered, and actually goes out of his way to make sure he is generally never perceived in the first place. To Nihlus, for Nihlus, knowledge about him is a weapon against him. Better to pass through most of life like a ghost. Jet: Wants to be remembered as a smart Captain and a Good Man if he can, someone effective and reliable at what he does. Jet would have deserted the GAR after Geonosis if he didn't believe in the cause of protecting the innocent from the horror of separatist occupation and destruction, because he doesn't believe in the republic itself. He doesn't want to be a hero or maintain a system, he just wants to end the suffering. Margo: She want to do something cool! Mostly just wants to be remembered as that awesome uncle that fixes everything everyone needs Cynic: Would love to be a beloved artist. He wants people to want what he makes. He wants to be remembered for what he can do rather than what he is. Many of his watercolor sketches already sit framed on the walls of Mary Ann's fine dining restaurants, so it could be a reality if the galaxy is kind to him. Heron: Doesn't want to be remembered by anyone except those closest to him. People would be harder to lure in to back alleys to try and mug him if they know to stay away from the guy with the prosthetic leg. And how can he commit crimes against the force gods if no one attacks him first? Lake: Chronically unsure, Lake thinks he wants to be remembered as a decent guy all things considered. Thinks they're all going to be remembered as monsters, but whatever. That's whoever comes next's problem to deal with, he's just trying to have fun and stay alive. Torch: Torch doesn't care if or how he's remembered after he's gone, he's also just here to have a good time while he can. His captain would probably say he's going to be remembered as a goofy problem soldier, but he's going to be remembered as absolutely devotional to his squad, and an excellent sharpshooter. Sprig: He wants to be remembered like a kickass fantasy spy advisor like leliana or zeveran from dragon age. Course the only reason they're deeds are known is because they're part of a video game. Maybe.... he thinks about writing a blackmail book. It would highly embarrass so many senators and office officials for petty (usually illegally so) shit, but that's what they get for legally making him the guy who had to deal with all the bomb threats by chance of birth. Empty buildings give him time to riffle through their shit.

-

Do they trust people easily? How easily will they turn their back to someone? Have they been backstabbed before? Will they betray someone if given an ultimatum?

Nihlus: He trusts trustworthy people.... as long as they aren't Jedi or Sith. Anyone capable of resisting his ability to unconditionally access their thoughts and intentions is an eventual threat even if they chose not to resist him.

-He doesn't do things for the good of doing it, if he wants to help even at risk to himself, he really has to like someone. Otherwise that honor is reserved for his clan, for whom he would give himself at the lightest provocation.

-Nihlus ended up in the Era of the Clone Wars due to being locked into a stasis chamber in his archive meant for fragile documents by his former master and oldest friend, Kishta, who had lured him in there to prevent his attempted assassination of the sith emporor for the destruction of his previous clan

- Nihlus is physcially incapable of betraying any of his squad no matter the cost (one of Jets orders), nor would he want to if he could. that is trust for Nihlus. Anyone else is fair game to whatever else serves the needs of him and his people

Jet: Has a healthy suspicion of others because to do otherwise would be irresponsible, but it does not stop him from reaching out, from trying, when he feels that the person is worth it

- Jet will never turn his back on his squad, his family, by his own admission. Has, though, on numerous occasions given some orders that put them in unnecessary danger for appearances sake. no one is perfect.

-Jet has never been truly back-stabbed, but he has been lied to on numerous occasions

-Jet... is initially ready to trade Nihlus life if and when he has to, for the sake of his squad and their family, as was his deal when becoming the Siths Captain. However, the longer he has him, the less likely he is to actually do so. Would not be able to choose between the lives of his squad even if their lives depended on it.

Margo: She trusts hard and fast, but if her trust is ever completely lost... that's it. Good fucking luck ever getting it back.

- Puts her trust in her Captain, and would turn her back on anyone he deemed it necessary for. Otherwise, she goes with her gut to do what she thinks she has to, to be able to sleep soundly at night.

- There have been several times where Margorashly believes they have been betrayed, by Nihlus... by Jet... by militia allies... for the first two it turned out alright, the last one... is still up for debate

- Will betray anyone she has to, to protect their family. She's the second in command, and that saddles her with a certain level of responsibility damn whatever her own morals say.

Cynic: Does not trust a single soul outside of their squad, although its less of a "all of you are sus" and more of a "none of you are reliable"

- it's not turning your back on people if you weren't really going to help them in the first place. Anyone who isn't squad is just fodder for the cause, although he has far more of an affinity towards helping other clones than to even looking a natborns way

- you can only be backstabbed by people you trust and he believes his squad wouldnt do that, everything else is just an unanticipated attack

- has a tier list of who he would trade for who within his squad if he had to that he would never tell anyone else about. It's not based on who he likes best, but rather who he thinks would be able to best keep the squad going

Heron: Doesn't trust easily outside his squad, that's how you get caught. and he hates nothing more than when the jig is up, tehee

- easily, he'll easily turn his back on people (who arent his crew). The only people worth sticking your neck out for are the ones as willing to kill for you as they are to die for you.

- Definately thought Nihlus did that one thing that one time like Margo but was also wrong, although he didn't take it as personally as she did. He is well aware there are worse people them him out there.

- has a tier list like Cynic does. two, actually. one that he publically shifts around as a joke anytime someone fucks with him, and the real one that he holds close to his heart.

Lake: Wants to believe the best in people at all times, genuinely wants to

- would, in the opinion of much of the rest of his crew, would give his life too easily in order to do the right thing. would not easily turn his back on anyone that needed help

- All the time, if by back-stabbed you mean 'dissapointed', Torch is too cautious though, so Lake has never had the chance to be seriously betrayed

- Would never betray his crew outright, no matter what. the morality of his crew matters less than the vows he has made to them. Has been given an ultimatum before, and he made his choice.

Torch: Wants to believe the best in people, but always expects the worst, he has to. it's kept them alive before, and it will do so again.

- will trust easily, and will break that trust easily if he thinks he detects the slightest threat. His squad comes first, always. Will tattle on them to the Captain if he thinks it'll be funny though.

- His initial fuck-ups almost cost his training batch their spots in the GAR, but they didn't have to throw him as under the bus for it as hard as they did

- Will die with his crew before he betrays them, but if he thinks accepting the initial offer will get him a way to help, he can put up a pretty convincing front

Sprig: Trust is hard earned with Sprig, but he notices potential and offers tentative trust accordingly

- socially, he will not be caught unawares. he's spent too long watching people.

- Has never been truely betrayed. had brothers who told him they'd come back who never did, but it's hard to blame the dead, isnt it?

- Sprig will betray anyone he has to, again, for his crew. Jet built this squad well. for his crew? He also has a list of who's life comes first. like the others, his isnt on top of his own.

Random angst headcanon?

Nihlus: Sometimes he looks in the mirror tries to grin and wishes he could smile in full like he could when he was young and happy and didn't had nerve damage over a full third of his face

Jet: gets migraines from his numerous head injuries

Margo: Several of the squad she commanded before she became Jets second died very soon after she transferred, and sometimes she wonders if she had turned him down whether or not she could have done anything to prevent it

Cynic: feels a lot of insecurity initially over his place in the squad, although he doesn't show it, since it was Margo that requested (demanded) he join with her rather than Jet offering.

Heron: Gets phantom cramps in a foot that no longer exists if he leans on that side for too long without a cane, and nothing except straight 'sith magic' has ever seemed to help make it go away

Lake: For better (and through worse) Lake will stay by Torch's side, no matter how often he ethically disagrees with the rest of their squad, because the rest of their batch is DEAD and Lake will be damned if he loses his last batcher, no matter what sort of monster he has to become to keep them that way.

Torch: Constantly puts up a front of whimsy because he's afraid that what he has underneath it isnt worth loving.

Sprig: So, so scared of dying. It's one of the reasons he transfered out of the ordinence corps

-

What do people assume about them? Are they right?

Nihlus: People often see Nihlus' lightsabers and lack of clone armor when the squad is together and assume that he's either the Jedi, or the one in Charge. They are oh so very wrong on both accounts. He will get really pissy if they're stubborn about trying to talk to him over his Captain about mission shit he could really not care any less about. Jet: People assume that the Sith is some how mind controlling his Captain into doing what he wants, when he wants. Jet just scoffs in Blood Oath and orders Nihlus to scrub the refreshers for the third time this month as punishment for breaking some ships rules or ditching drills to hang around Kix, again. Margo: People often assume she's a mechanic, when she's just a tech. Sure, she dabbles in machinery, but she's much more capable on the software than the hardware aspect of technology. She can rewire the engines power cells but for the grace of the force don't ask her what model of spark plug the damn thing needs. Cynic: People assume that by his name and attitude, he hates fun. a real stick up his ass stick in the mud. Truth is he's an early twenty-somethings man trying to make the most of things, he's just a little pessimistic, like, all the time. Absolute party animal otherwise Heron: People assume that as a Medic he's a real 'save everyone you can, do the least amount of harm' mildly Hippocratic oath inclined kinda guy like a majority of the medical professionals in the GAR. Unfortunately, he has... serial killer tendencies. Bit of a god complex, Giver and Taker of Life kinda thing. See enough guys with your face die under you hands and your knife and it's bound to do something, warp you in some way. Lake: People may assume that as like, one of the few people with a truely morally compassionate compass of the group, that Lake would be the weak link to press on to coerce into betraying the squad, but they would be very, very wrong. He values his families life above all others, just not his own. Torch: His whimsical nature might trick one into thinking he's a fool, but Torch is actually one of the most tactically brilliant soldiers in Crisis Company, and has the best aim out of all of them. He's just... occasionally taken over by the urge to Have a Good Time. Sprig: Is a real Seems like a Cinnamon Roll, Could Kill You, kinda guy. Really great at drawing people into just talking. In reality, he's filling it all away to use at a later date should it come in handy. (rarely does it, so he always just comes off as a peoples person)

[xreallyanythingx]

First adult heartbreak

I stopped dating for almost 2 years basically after I came out due to a few important reasons. For one thing even though i did come out, i am fully aware i have not accepted myself in my own head about being gay. I still have homophobic thoughts and feel uncomfortable discussing the topic. Second, I cannot date while I live with my parents because that would mean bare minimum to my girlfriend and not treating her as she deserves. Third, i am not in a career and financial position where i see myself having time for a partner. All those reasons however do not make loneliness and human needs go away lol.

Fast forward to this past August, i met a beautiful wonderful girl on hinge. I was in the mindset of keeping things casual with whoever I met but things felt different with her. I have this mindset of if i meet someone i truly like and see a future with then the reasons i mentioned before would not matter and i would be serious about a relationship. When I took this girl on our first date, the second i laid eyes on her i got the feeling of “i will do absolutely anything and everything it takes to keep this woman in my life.” That date will forever be memorable to me because it was the first time i was in public with a romantic interest where i did not feel self conscious or embarrassed about. I did not care if everyone knew i was gay, fuck atp i wanted everyone to know i was on a date with such an amazing woman. I never felt that way before. We connected so well, she really as someone i saw a whole future with. For the next few weeks, i was another person imo. I was a happier, healthier, kinder, etc. I wanted to go above and beyond. I was truly understanding what people felt when they talk about love. I was excited. Then of course idk what happened. I perhaps allowed my anxious attachment habits crawl out and perhaps i overwhelmed her? I may have said something incredibly stupid. I may have given her the ick. I may have taken things too slow? I may have disrespected her? Maybe the whole time she was expecting something else? Maybe she really just didnt feel it anymore? Idk. Something happened and things stopped.

It’s been two months now since she ended things. I’ll be honest, i havent exaclty gotten over it… i am definitely doing better than the first 2 weeks but every day consists of thinking about her, checking up on her, reminiscing our conversations and trying to figure out what went wrong. I have talked about this a lot with myself and with my friends. I’m honestly just tired of these thoughts i have, even writing this post is dreadful because i dont want to talk or think about it anymore. Yet i find myself thinking about her almost every fucking minute im awake. Im tired of it.

I have came to my conclusions to this whole situation after 2 months. I do not regret meeting her because she showed me how much love i am capable of giving when i truly like someone. I have standards of who i should date and what i am capable of receiving. I will never ever let someone into my life that easily ever again no matter how sweet they seem to be (love bombing fucked me over lmao). I have said my peace (i literally told her how i felt and she still chose to leave) and therefore it is her decision to come back or not. We meet other people depending on where we ourselves are in life. Therefore i know i will meet someone better suited for me as i enter a new chapter in my life (aka moving out lol). I do not believe in soulmates, there are simply people that are very compatible with us and it is up to us to choose who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. I am proud to say I am who I am because of myself. Although she broke my heart, everything i built for myself was due to me and therefore i can rebuild myself again and better without her. All she did was uncover parts of myself i didnt know i had but regardless it was already there. Life was great before her and now life will be better without her.

I miss her dearly but ya me conozco tambien, i get over shit so i just have to actively put energy into myself again and allow time to do its thing. Its funny though because i feel like once I am over this situation, a part of me feels like its been permanently broken/tainted. When i have the moments where i feel okay, i still feel this cloud over me, a constant guard i have up. I dont know how to describe it but essentially i dont think i’ll ever be the same exact kind of happy i was before i met her. I’ll most definitely be happy again but never the same. I dont think thats a bad thing but its definitely interesting to think about.

24.

[edelblau]

uncles celebration of life thing upcoming so ive been thinking a lot (art for family under cut) (assuming the read more function works) ->

without getting too into it my final lengthy conversation with my uncle happened when we were both kind of drunk and it was about the ethics of crediting artists. my uncle did music for a while and was creatively inclined and so i cant say why, but he took a stance of feeling that ultimately, if a company or label owns the end product, that its natural for the names of individual artists to be lost. i disagreed.

obviously given the state of inebration i wasnt able to argue my point well and ended up just crying in frustration. he forgot it the next day. but now whenever i think of him i think of that moment, of wasting time trying to argue about something the last time id see him alive. of utterly failing to even make the point i wanted to, leaving so many regrets in that last, final moment we had.

i ended up offering to draw something in his honour because its all i can do. i have no money, and im not capable of bringing him back. he lived in a different country for most of my life; what do i even really know about him?

its not that im not grieving. i feel like im constantly swinging back and forth between extreme states of grief. it feels unreal. i was convinced when i got the news it was somehow a very inapporpriate lie, or a mistake. that maybe he was alive. he wasnt that old or that unhealthy. he had plans soon before he died to see my mom. it didnt make any sense. it still doesnt. but i feel like i dont have the right to the 'big' grief that others do. i try not to burden my family by talking about it since i wasnt close enough to him to earn that. my mom lost a brother; i lost an older uncle i didnt know that well.

so i just keep thinking of the small things. things he either didnt know or wouldnt remember. that argument, reading the christmas card he sent and not knowing he had already passed while i read it. wondering how i would explain what i meant that day if i ever saw him again, even as i know that wont come to pass. wondering if, when he died, if he even knew how his death would impact me. if he lived and died thinking i was indifferent to it all just because i could not communicate otherwise.

i dont know. its hard. im scared for the celebration of life. i feel like i could keep pretending he might be alive otherwise. im scared to see his ashes. im scared for when his house finally sells and the last of the legalities are wrapped up and the truth of the matter settles in. im scared that he died thinking i hated him over a stupid argument. im scared of the fact that there's no afterlife i believe in, and thus this is already the end.

but no matter how scared i am or how much it hurts, this is all there is. writing about how i feel and then trying to bury it all. i cant change the past and i cant see or speak to ghosts. so this is just

all there is.

[psychiatricwarfare]

this post was inspired by a real person btw. so before anyone tries that whole "nazis cant change, theyre pure evil incarnate" spiel, you're wrong. every single person on earth is capable of change, for better or worse, it doesn't matter. there is no fundamental difference between you and a nazi other than the circumstances you were born into that made you go one path and them another. you are not better than someone who was not given the same opportunities as you, the same resources, the same information, the same life.

you can hate nazis all you want, in fact i encourage it, but that doesn't take away their personhood and if one day they realise they dont want to be that way anymore, that person is no longer your enemy. anyone trying to leave the alt-right is a very powerful potential ally and shaming them for their past is a great way to push them back into the alt-right community and, personally, i think we could use more allies than enemies

the last tattoo i got was done by a guy at a local tattoo parlour. i went in and joked to my friend that it might feel weird getting a tattoo on my chest since the nerves are more sensitive post top surgery. the artist didnt know what that meant so he started asking questions and i answered them as best and as succinctly as i could. he thanked me and explained that he had been in prison for 10 years and only recently got out so he had never heard terms like that before and that he'd accidentally insulted a nonbinary person recently and wanted to make sure he didn't do that again.

since i was so polite and patient with him, he opened up to me that he used to be a nazi. an actual full-blown nazi. he was in a nazi gang with other nazis who would go out and commit hate crimes together (which landed him in prison). at first, hearing someone about to put a needle to my skin say they used to be a nazi right after telling him im trans made me apprehensive. but truthfully, he was one of the most respectful people i have come across, better than many, many cis left-wingers and democrats and even some trans people

he opened up to me about how abusive those communities are, the constant hypervigilance to never be seen as weak, constantly seeking out reasons to hate - and i mean truly hate someone you dont even know, competing with those you're supposedly "friends" with on who's the best/strongest/etc, who's better than who. the same "friends" who will leave you behind when push comes to shove. he told me how he believed it was a dog eat dog world and that he had to strive to be the strongest and the best and anyone who fell below that was someone new he had to hate.

he told me how exhausting it was, how lonely and isolating. he told me that thinking that way never made him happy, he lived his life scared and angry. he told me he never even wanted to be a nazi, he didn't mean for it to happen. he told me about how he had made some new friends when he was young and didn't even realise what he had gotten himself into until he had already been brainwashed.

he told me that he didn't want to live like that anymore, that he didn't want to hate anyone anymore. he wanted to grow, he wanted to learn. he wanted to be a better person. that tattoo artist is someone i will never forget because his genuine appreciation for my patience and willingness to explain it to him was something i couldn't describe in words if i wanted to. the guilt on his face when he told me that he had accidentally insulted a nonbinary person showed me he was telling the truth, he felt terrible that he had made that person feel that way due to his own ignorance and he never wanted to do that again, even on accident.

when i left my appointment that day i told him i would be right back, i just needed an atm so i could give him his tip. he told me to please not do that because of the fact that i didn't turn him away after learning about his past and instead sat there with him for the hour it took to tattoo me to explain things to him that he didn't know about was worth more to him than any monetary tip. he was so happy that i, a marginalised person, gave him a chance, entrusted him with my body and my safety, and educated him patiently so he could become a better person despite knowing about his past.

the point im trying to make here is that if someone comes to you saying they used to be a bigot but they're really trying to be better and dont even know how to start, you can help them by simply being kind and guiding them in the right direction. you dont have to hold their hand and teach them like i did, thats just how i like to do things. but you can absolutely offer them kindness and let them know that they are worth more than the worst things they've done and what matters now is learning from those mistakes so they can be better people

i truly believe he is a much better leftist than the majority of so-called leftists i see online, even if he may not call himself that. i think he accepts people much easier than those of us who never fell down that pipeline because he understands that there's no difference between hating someone for being trans vs hating someone for being nonbinary vs hating someone for being genderfluid vs hating someone for being a boydyke (using gender identity discourse as an example here but you can subsitute it for p much anything) because at the end of the day, you're still finding reasons to hate someone you don't even know. so yea, he may not understand it - something he admitted as we talked - but he doesn't just blindly hate anyone he doesn't understand anymore, he just accepts that they're different from him and that's okay, he learned that he doesn't need to understand someone to see them as the same as himself - a person.

something that really worries me about left-leaning people is the immediate villifying dehumanization of people who have ever done anything wrong ever. the puritanism of leftism. saying you hate nazis is great and all until someone who is a nazi tries to get out of it and grow and learn, how will you treat them? will you hold out your hand to them? will you help them take the steps they need to build a new support system and help them get out of the abusive space they've found themselves in? or will you turn your back on them because they "should have known better"? or because they dared to fall victim to the propaganda that's been shoved down their throats since they were born?

im not saying it's our job as marginalized people to rehabilitate ex-nazis or educate people, just to show compassion for people who did fall down the alt-right pipeline and are actively trying to get out of it or have successfully done so. it could've happened to anyone, even you. yes, even YOU, the person reading this. if we want people to feel safe enough to leave nazism or alt-rightism or whatever, then we have to be a welcoming place for people to admit they'd made mistakes and they were wrong. we need to remind them that they, too, are victims of the system who were being used as pawns against people they were brainwashed to believe were their enemies

[shadamyheadcanons]

Okay my headcannon is that amy was neglected by her parents because a freaking 12 YEAR OLD WAS IN WAR AND THEY DIDNT STEPPED IN.

I also have this scenario in my head that Knuckles and Sonic walks in on Amy and Shadow watching a movie (Awfully close 🤔) and gets sus that something is going on.

Hope you don’t mind if I combine these two.

The absence of Mobian adults in the Sonic games is VERY conspicuous. As far as I know, we’ve got Vanilla (old enough to be a six-year-old’s mother), Vector (20), and a handful of older teenagers--Rouge, Wave, and Big (18) and Storm (19). Vanilla’s the only Mobian parent in these games!

The only easy explanation is the out-of-universe one: execs wanted the game’s young demographic to have kids to relate to and teens to look up to. Things get messy when you try to read past that.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t try anyway.

I don’t feel comfortable accusing characters of being neglectful without any real evidence, especially because almost none of these kids have parents. Tails is eight, and he’s been on his own since his inception! Amy isn’t the exception, she’s the rule. Either every Mobian parent save for Vanilla is neglectful...or they’re just not around anymore.

Let’s look at the Sonic universe, shall we? Villains in this series take the forms of killer robots, aliens, demons, and even gods. Some are immortal and capable of boundless destruction, even genocide. We all saw what happened in Silver’s future.

The Sonic universe isn’t a very safe place to live. The most frequent villain is a diabolical genius who creates robot armies. He’s demonstrated that he can and will kill without a shred of hesitation or remorse, regardless of the victim’s age.

I don’t usually go the gritty route and I know I’m not the first one to point this out, but...would it be so unreasonable to think the parents all died fighting and their kids took up the mantle? Eggman’s age isn’t confirmed, but he’s a grown adult who could believably have been trying to take over the world for a few decades. Vanilla only avoided it because she’s not a fighter. The kids never talk about their parents, but why would they? It would be a sore subject for pretty much all of them. I had Silver and Amy briefly mention their relatives in Shellshock, but they were all deceased, and this is the unspoken reason.

I try not to focus on it because it makes me sad, but that is my headcanon. It makes the most sense to me.

That said, I’ll answer the more fun parts now! I love Sonic and Knuckles walking in on Shadow and Amy being suspiciously close. It’s especially funny if they try to tease them, but Amy’s oblivious or unashamed, so it’s just Shadow trying to hide how flustered he is, heh. Knuckles would have to be careful, though. If he ever tried to tease Shadow about Amy, Shadow could throw it right back by teasing him about Rouge.

As for the Sonic movies, if they do include Amy, I’m not sure how much they would bother with, tbh. Tails had basically nothing! I was so disappointed! When I saw the ending scene for the first movie, I was excited because I thought Tails was tracking down Sonic for some sort of important mission...but then the second movie just says he was stalking Sonic, watching him take bubble baths and stuff, and idk. That was really unsatisfying for me. I really liked Knuckles’ backstory, but Knuckles is a more serious character. Amy and Tails are pretty similar. We already had “younger character stalks Sonic and looks up to him,” so I fear they’d see Amy as redundant--both with her backstory and her presence. We know there’s more to her than that, but given how many times Amy’s role has been stolen before, I’m...trying not to get my hopes up.

However! I do have a story that goes into that. Someone asked me to do a high school AU a while ago. I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it (sorry!), but I might as well talk about that one aspect. Amy’s mom really likes Shadow because he was a total gentleman when he introduced himself, but Amy’s dad is different. Shadow and Amy were hanging out in Amy’s room, and Shadow wears the required school uniform in a really sloppy, disheveled way, so the dad took one look at this, panicked, and immediately assumed the worst, even though Shadow and Amy really were just friends at that point. Later on, Shadow says to Amy, “Your dad doesn’t like me,” and she goes, “Oh, don’t worry about that! Dad’s just weird around my male friends sometimes. Don’t worry, it’s not you!”

And then the scene changes to the parents, and the dad is like, “I’m telling you, it’s him! My readings are never wrong!” And it’s explained that the dad uses tarot cards, too, and he got a vision/reading when Amy was young that she was destined to wind up with a male hedgehog, so he’s overly protective whenever Amy befriends one. He basically scared off poor Silver, and Sonic won’t sit next to Amy when he’s around. Shadow’s different, though. He doesn’t shy away from Amy at all because he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. The mom adores this and reassures the dad that yes, his readings are always right, just not always in the ways that he expects. She says that she’s proud of how they’ve raised Amy and knows she’ll make the right decision someday--and if it did wind up being Shadow, she’d be happy for Amy because she’d be with someone bold enough to want to be around her even if others disapproved. The dad calmed down after that, but he did have a mini heart attack when Shadow took her to prom because he was in a tux and Amy’s pale pink dress was a little too close to white.

Of course that doesn’t really work for canon!verse, but it’d be cool if she had a parent who also got overzealous when analyzing tarot cards. I don’t know what I’ll do with that story, if anything. I like a lot of the ideas I have for it, but I doubt I’ll ever finish stringing them together. It’s an undertaking. I might post a snippet or two, but idk.

Update: I posted what I’ve written for this story here!

[rrasado]

Yo! If that's okay could i request the brothers (or some of the of your choice) reacting to a teen mc who already has a pact with a demon long before coming to the Devildom and this demon is pretty much their (very protective) guardian/caretaker? Like, the demon is really sweet and gentle with MC and babies them constantly but they're wary of the brothers (Nothing romantic, just platonic hcs!) Feel free to ignore if i'm bothering you!

Congrats on the 400 followers!!💞

Who’s The Guardian?

On another episode of “why didn’t I see this in my inbox before-“ but this is such a cute request.

I...haven’t played OMSWD in half a year ;-;. I never got past lesson 40 so, sorry in advanced for the OOC-

When you already have a pact

Lucifer

...is caught off guard, big time.

He probably skimmed through your files and records but not once did the thought of a seemingly innocent teenager already having a pact with a demon prior the exchange program crossed his mind.

That’s coming from someone who overthinks a lot.

As the so called right hand man of the young lord himself, he’ll want to conduct a thorough investigation on whoever this demon is. He can’t risk sullying the honor of Diavolo because of some minor slip up.

Under the guise of a friendly get together he asks MC to invite their demon pact mate over for a nice afternoon tea. Harmless correct? Well that -less becomes -ful when the demon immediate smothers their favorite human with such rare affections he didn’t knew demons were capable of.

He’ll attempt to be discreet about his intentions but, it seems the demon is more vocal about their displeasure of finding out that their dear human is living with seven of the most powerful demons in hell. So lucifer would blatantly put on a facade to keep the dignity of the council and the prince at peace. But if it were up to him...

“We all care for the human’s well being yes? A little cooperation is to be called for”

Mammon

...Feels betrayed. And disappointed

He...wasn’t MC’s first- oh god the others are laughing at him as we speak aren’t they.

Would probably try to not so discreetly compare himself to the demon, arms crossed™️

Is that why MC was so fast in making a pact with him? Like no fear whatsoever because they’ve already done this before? Now he feels dumber than before

It all ultimately ends with..the demon and mammon trying to out do each other when it comes to spoiling Mc whether material wise or affection, of course mammon is at a disadvantage given how much he denies his concern for not being Mc’s first.

But in the end, if anything bad no matter how small happens to the two demon’s beloved human, they’d probably set aside their differences and hunt down the source. It’s a whole other story if the source was mammon-

“Oi the human also has a pact with me Ya got that!”

Leviathan

...is both amazed and disdained.

On one hand- HOLY SHI- YOU’RE YOUNGER THAN MOST SUMMONERS AND YOU ALREADY HAVE A PACT? THAT’S SO SHOUNEN-

And on the other hand- wow...you’re such a normie for being able to pull in other races, what in the name of damned friendship is this-

But that disdain turns to envy, whether envying you or the demon sometimes it’s interchangeable- because he wished he was also that cared for. Being able to be brought gifts or being protective over- it’s the otome dream he’s secretly wanted.

But once he realizes that the demon just genuinely cares for MC, for whatever reason- he seems to understand along the way, maybe he to wishes to protect one of the few people that willingly put up with him with a wild smile. Teen mutuality huh.

He might even invite their demon pact mate over for a game or two- heck if things go well they three might even become a triumvirate. Overall he’ll learn to get along with them but...it’ll take a good while djdndnbd.

“H-hey...ya sure you wanna hang out with someone as yucky as me? Ah- wait I have games for three here somewhere.”

Satan

...Is highly intrigued suffice it to say.

The guy was highly enthralled when you managed to even make a pact with him through hard work and it seems there was a much farther history as to why.

Unlike the first born however, he’d be actually successful in hiding his true intentions when he decided to investigate whoever demon managed to wind up with the young human in the first place.

Those detective novels did him good Huh-

On a more serious note. He’d actually be encouraging to a certain extent until the demon directs their threats to him. Like how dare this lowly bastard make a point to the Avatar sin of Wrath- oh it was for MC’s sake...hard pass-

At one point he’s probably the closest to this demon in terms of peace next to Beelzebub since he’s the most serene of the brothers. Overall neutral to them unless the demon gives him a reason to.

“It’s nice to see the human having someone to lean on to...I wonder what would happen if that support were to suddenly collapse”

Asmodeus

...is sappy to the brim

Look at the lovely human already catching demons with finesse! Proud wine aunt moment™️. And the fact that it was prior to the program? Damn the kid has more potential than he thought.

At first the demon themself is gonna- Ehe carry MC away everytime asmo ties coming in but. With a little nudge and convincing they’d probably stay to listen to Asmo.

Trust me when I say these three will go shopping every weekend once everyone is comfortable with each other. And for what it’s worth they might even get matching outfits.

Asmo would probably try and nitpick how MC even managed to wind up in a pact with a demon without knowledge of the Devildom in the first place but at the same time he thinks it adds to the younger’s charm

These three end up being the child the mom and wine aunt dynamic and y’all can’t convince me otherwise.

“Ehh~? Oh don’t look so weary it’s bad for your face darling~”

Beelzebub

...For some reason happy.

Is this why MC managed to make a pact with his brothers so easily in so little time? Is this why the teen never seems to be bothered by any of his brothers’ threats? Overall he’s happy that you have experience.

He remembers something oddly like this...but in his case he didn’t had experience prior the fall wow way to go at angsting this am I right-

Because unlike him, a being millennia old was so confused of what’s in store for hell after the fall but he had no choice but to grit his teeth and bare the fear.

And someone so young managed to get a taste of a fraction of that experience but here was MC...laughing without a care whilst this other demon places a protective arm in front of them as they interrogate beel- oh wait they were talking to him-

Food as peace offering? You bet, thankfully they did settle with food and unlike first impressions- the demon actually is the most sensible to beel seeing as he was one of the few who...didn’t actively attempt to kill their human- in fact, the demon is probably the one to inform Beel of what demon food the young teen can actually eat and what they prefer.

“I see...ah, would you maybe wanna join us? Food always tastes better when shared”

Belphegor

...could care less until they talk about the whole time universe killing thing-

Ohhh boy- belphie run I’m telling you run- no beel won’t defend you on this one in fact I think I see mammon running with the demon but belphie run boy run-

In all seriousness him and the demon will take the longest to get into terms. Heck not even Mc’s convincing has effect, because the demon really really doesn’t like the avatar of sloth for good reason.

Depending on how the demon even winded up with MC. Belphie would also not like the demon.

That...is until something actually bad happens to MC-

The demon might blindly pin it on belphie but the thing is- he’s also panicking because if he and his brothers were there and the demon was there- wHO TF IS WITH THE TEENAGER-

He...didnt want to have what he did to MC happen again. Let him be the last one to harm the spunky human. I even considered him and the demon to never actually get along no matter how long of a time but...again it all depends on the Hows and Whys.

“I...Care for them as much as you do. Just- Tsk... I don’t need you to believe me.”

[thehollowprince]

Slightly random TFATWS question here, but I'd be interested in your take on it. If the point of the supersoldier serum is that it essentially amplifies your existing qualities and makes you More of what you already were - as Erskine says, good becomes better, bad becomes worse - then how would you say it's affected Bucky? His actions as the WS were the result of Hydra's brainwashing, not the serum, and he doesn't seem to be affected by it in the way Walker or even the Flagsmashers are.

It's difficult to say for a variety of contributing factors.

Factor #1: Steve Rogers (and Johann Schmidt)

It's important to remember that both Steve and Red Skull were the only two that got Erskine's serum directly. And, if Schidmt got the same style of treatment as Steve did, then they were both the only two that we saw who got multiple doses of the serum, as seen below...

Steve was also the only one we saw who got the combination serum + Howard Stark's Hottie Machine, so we don't know what effect that tech might have had on administering the serum.

Every other person that we saw (or didnt see) had a single dosage of a modified serum - an attempt at recreating Erskine's original success. Such as, the Flag Smashers...

... or John Walker...

... or even the five other Winter Soldiers.

The only exception to this that I can remember was Emil Blonsky from the Incredible Hulk (I know we all try to forget that movie), because he had multiple doses over multiple treatments of whatever version of the serum Ross had cooked up trying to recreat Steve Rogers and Bruce Banner.

And much like Steve (and presumably Johann) it required extra steps to administer than just a shot or an IV drip, relying on Gamma Radiation to help "complete" the process.

The bottom line here is that, there have been no two versions of the serum that were the same that were administered in the same way. Steve Rogers was a unique occurrence in more than one way.

I also have a theory that the original serum was derived from the heart-shaped herb from Wakanda, given the similarities between the two when it comes to the enhanced physicality.

Maybe Erskine and Schmidt got their hands on an herb and refined it until it was just the physical (blue), excluding the more mystical attributes (red), such as the aspect that allowed Wakandan kings to communicate with their ancestors. (I have a theory about the heart-shaped herb, too, but I'll save that for another time)

It's also very important to remember that the only super soldier to experience any kind of major side effects was Schmidt.

No other super soldier looked like this

Factor #2: Hydra

Aside from the fact that Bucky didn't receive the same super soldier serum as the others, but whatever concoction that Zola managed to cook up in his attempt to recreate the serum (interesting to note that Schmidt seemed to take a more hands off approach to this, choosing instead to focus on the Tesseract and it's capabilities). As such, Bucky, as we saw him in The First Avenger, didn't exhibit any of the enhanced physical capabilities (or even an enhanced physicality) that Steve did after his experiment. In fact, the only evidence we have to confirm that Bucky had received some version of the serum was the fact that he survived the fall from the train, which we didn't get confirmed until The Winter Soldier.

The combination of Hydra having Bucky for over seventy years and him not presenting any attributes of the super soldier serum until after all says to me that he went through more experiments once he was back in their care, possibly some of the precursors to what they did during the Red Room and Black Widow programs.

Factor #3: Psychological

Now this last one is just my hypothesis, which is what you asked for, but I wanted to get the other variables out of the way first.

My personal opinion here is that, despite what Erskine said, I don't believe there is a psychological aspect to the serum. It is purely physical. The psychological component to these experiments - how the recipients handled their newfound power - was down to the individual. Steve Rogers didn't go through any radical ideology or personality shift. He was the same scrappy kid from Brooklyn who stood up to bullies and refused to back down from a fight, except now he had the muscle to back it up.

Same with John Walker, as controversial as that may sound. We had three whole episodes with Walker before he took the serum, and in that time, we already saw he was quick to anger and had aggressive tendencies. All the serum did was give him the power to back it up.

Earlier, he and Lemar were talking about what they could have done with the serum, saving their fellow soldiers, and we saw in the immediate follow up that Walker was trying to rationalize what happened, telling Sam and Bucky that he had to do it, that he killed a terrorist. That kind of mindset isn't something that can come about over night. That was something conditioned into him by the military, something he later shouted at them during his disciplinary hearing, telling them he was what they made him to be.

The Flag Smashers were fighting for what they believed in, for those the world forgot after the Snap (I refuse to call it The Blip, I'm sorry), and suddebly they had the muscle to stand up against those who would push them down.

Karli in particular was a scared kid backed into a corner, lashing out. Was a lot of what she did was wrong? Absolutely, but she wanted to send a message and used the only means that the governments hellbent on suppressing them seemed to understand. And, as we saw after that first bombing, this extremism wasn't shared by all the Flag Smashers.

It's like all those shows or movies or books where a mousy wallflower is given superpowers or turned into a vampire or werewolf and suddenly they have the power to push back against their oppressors. A great example of this would be the three werewolves introduced in season two of Teen Wolf, those being Isaac, Erica and Boyd, who all went from being shy loners to being cocky and arrogant because they had the power to stand up for themselves physically now.

You give someone power and you'll see who they really are.

To circle back around to the point I've been trying to make (sorry for the scenic route), it's that Bucky never showed any sign of extremism, whether for good or evil. And that had to do with a combination of who he was as a person - he was more or a follower, latching on to Steve and Sam as his guiding star - and Hydra's machinations and manipulations during his time as the Winter Soldier. By the time he was finally free of them, he just wanted to be by himself and deal (or not deal) with his various traumas.

The Bucky that we met at the beginning of The First Avenger was very quickly buried under war and tragedy. Who he was, because of what he went through, changed. And I think that was the point Erskine was trying to make, though he definitely could have worded it better. The serum makes you more of who you really are, shows your true colors, not because of any chemical response, but because of how power has been prioritized in society. The notion that you don't have to fear physical repercussions anymore, because who's strong enough to stop you?

[bcdwhcre]

“Sides,” Armin x Reader

We’re gonna act like Annie doesn’t exist. Bear w/ me.

Summary: Being the female titan, you join the scouts to gather information to bring back to Marley but you end up falling for Armin which makes you debate whether or not you should continue to be a spy.

Warnings: end of s3 spoilers mixed with beginning of s4, a lil bit of angst.

Armin x Fem!Reader

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The long years of training to become a scout was finally over, during the training corps- you tried to keep your distance away from others except for Reiner and Bertholdt but placing in the top ten and choosing to go forward with being in the scout regiment, it was a lot harder to avoid talking to the others.

Armin was the first and only person to easily come up and talk to you. He liked your strength and how confident you were during training, he always asked for help when it came to combat and at first you would decline and reject his pleas for you to help him.

You weren’t here for friendships, you were here to gather information. But time went on, the more Armin came up to you, the more you softened up. He was always sweet and gentle with you, always complimenting you and talking about how great you were at being a scout.

He was always making sure you were okay, mentally and physically. He was always by your side, being a good friend but deep down he already had feelings for you, he had them since the training corps.

When it came to him, all he ever thought about was Eren and Mikasa but when he seen you, it was kinda like love at first sight until he seen you in action. You were very intelligent, strong, selfless and brave. It was the reason why he liked you so much.

One day it had hit you, the feelings and realization, you were slowly falling in love with Armin the more you hung out with him, the more you worked with him and it was driving you crazy.

The days he would come up to you, giving you a simple cup of coffee or when out in the field he would be in complete awe of the way you were so good at the ODM gear and easily slaughtered the Titans without hesitation. He admired you.

You even tried to convinced Reiner and Bertholdt to go back to Marley early because you felt yourself slowly slipping and giving into Armin. You wanted to go back home and prevent you messing up the mission. You told them to leave and give the information you already have but they refused and it made you think about a lot.

Then Armin started to sit in your room most nights, ranting about beautiful things and ideas he had in that big brain of his. He even opened up about seeing the ocean to you, shocking the both of you because he only ever told Eren and Mikasa.

“I don’t mean to ramble, I know I do it a lot.” He admitted, his cheeks turning a light shade of red and you shook your head.

“No, I enjoy listening to you.” The way his eyes lit up when he turned to look at you, his heart pounding inside his chest.

Armin was never much of a bold person, he was shy and emotional and people seen him as weak for it but when you looked at him, it had given him that boost of confidence to lean over and press his lips on yours.

It had caught both of you off guard, he wasn’t expecting you to kiss him back and you weren’t expecting a kiss from him at all. It was only a small gentle kiss but it made your heart flutter, feeling as if it was going to explode out of your chest.

He gave you a small smile, standing up from your bed and grabbing the book he had brought to show you and you watched him walk to the door, he was completely flustered.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I hope you sleep well.” He turns towards you, waving bye and walked out of your room to leave you with your thoughts.

The way your parents at home would be completely disappointed in you, everyone at home would be disappointed in you but hanging around Armin more made your eyes open up and shine light on why they hated the Titans and you understood.

You had become one of them and you hated to admit that but you’ve never met someone like Armin, he was different and beautiful in so many ways. You were willing to risk your home for him.

The day had came to where you had to use your titan form, not wanting to but Reiner had threatened you otherwise and it just made you feel guilty. You felt like you were betraying Armin and it made your heart break piece by piece.

You glanced over at them, sighing under your breath and leaped off the wall, your body transforming into the large female titan. You hated this with every fiber in your being but you just ran off to get the job done and return back with no questions asked.

Once the plan was done, the job that Reiner couldve simply done but forced you to do, you had heard the scouts from afar and quickly ran to hide to get out of the giant body you were hiding in.

You broke out of the tough skin, gasping for air and seeing the steam around you as you quickly got out and landed on the hard ground, your eyes moved up and suddenly they met with a pair of blue ones.

“Y/N?” Armin’s voice cracked, his heart squeezing in his chest at the sight of you, he had seen everything and the stripes under your eyes proven to be true.

“Armin, wait.” You had reached out for him but he flinched back, his eyes wide and filling up with tears.

“You’re the... you’re the female titan, you were a titan this whole time.” He shook his head, in disbelief and the memories of you two that flooded his head convinced him they were all fake.

All the nights he stayed in your bed, rambling about anything and the way he would cuddle you, kiss parts of your body and always leaving your lips for last because that was his favorite spot.

He assumed they were all fake. You were an imposter.

“Let me explain, please.” You had tried to plead with him, your hands trying to grab onto his but he continued to back away from you, terrified.

“Explain what? I just saw you! You’re a titan!” He yelled at you, making you freeze in your spot and you accepted defeat at that point.

You never wanted to hurt Armin or lie to him and the way the tears streamed down his face, it made your heart hurt and it made you drop to your knees- running away would just make you look more like a criminal to Armin and that’s the last thing you wanted to do.

You heard the scouts from afar coming closer, your sad eyes staring into his and you moved your head to look down at the ground.

“I never wanted to lie to you, Armin. I love you more than anything.. even enough to get myself arrested right now. I don’t want to lose you, everything... everything we shared was fucking real to me. Just please let me explain everything.” You were in tears, not caring about your family or your home, you were willing to give it all up for him.

He stared at you, stunned with his eyes wide and he finally took a step forward towards you. The hurt in your eyes made him soften up, making him drop to his knees in front of you and you lifted your head up to look at him.

“Why?” He whispered towards you, he was confused, beyond confused. He never expected this out of you, he loved you too much to believe you could be capable of this

“I knew I would get taken and tortured if I revealed that I’m a titan shifter. Look what they did to Eren, they almost killed him.” You rushed out, making him stare at you and he hated how easily he gave into you.

He embraced you in a tight hug, catching you by surprise as you felt his hair tickling the side of your face and you hesitated before wrapping your arms around him, burying your face into his shoulder.

“I won’t let them hurt you. You just have to be honest, tell them the truth.”

Your heart broke more if that was even possible. You didnt want to lie to him but you couldn’t bring up Marley, you couldn’t bring up Reiner or Bertholdt. You had to come up with some other plan, to please the scouts.

“Okay.” You gave in, your hands clinging onto the back of his jacket, afraid of letting him go or getting ripped away from him.

He had pulled back, cupping your cheeks and brushed his thumb over the markings that were slowly fading away and he sighed under his breath.

His heart aches for you, he wouldn’t be able to handle losing you. Not one bit. As the scouts dropped to the ground around you, aiming their swords at your head, Armin had stood up and guarded you.

“She’s not a threat! Put the blades away, please!” He shouted, making Levi grunt under his breath and walk over to the both of you.

Levi had looked down at you with disgust, his blade tilting your head up straight to meet his gaze and he gave you a cold stare.

“I expect you to come with us willingly and not put up a fight, if you do- I won’t hesitate to put you down for good.” He ordered you, making you nod your head slowly and you stood up.

Armin had stayed beside you, making the Captain give him a dirty look as well but he always trusted Armin’s instinct but hated his big heart in wanting to believe everything he hears.

Levi had stayed in front of you, leading the way back to the main base and Erwin had joined as all four of you sat inside his office. They asked Armin to leave but he rejected, wanting to stay put and be beside you- to make sure they wouldn’t do anything.

“I want everything out on the table.” Erwin ordered you, making a lump form in your throat and you made up some story about how you became a titan and why you kept it from them.

They had somewhat believed it, especially when you gave evidence of always being a good scout and never betraying them one bit but they continued to watch you like a hawk.

When you finally had some alone time, Reiner shoved you towards the woods with Bertholdt following closely behind to make sure no one was watching or coming but it was the middle of the night anyways, everyone was asleep.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to get us killed?” Reiner shouted at you, wanting to completely punch you in the face but held himself back.

“I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this!”

“Like what? You falling for these fucking murderers?! Is that it? Do I need to take you back to Marley and have you killed?” He pointed his finger towards you and you shook your head repeatedly.

“You better watch yourself or else Armin is dead, you hear me? Don’t blow this.” He threatened you, making your blood boil at the sound of Armin’s name being brought up.

That’s when you had enough, you were tired of it all. The mission, the secrets, everything. You raised your fist, punching Reiner straight in the jaw and it had made him stumble back in shock.

“I don’t give a shit about this mission but if you touch Armin, I swear you two would be dead in an instant. Remember your place.” You said, making him stare at you with such anger, he was convinced he would shift and fight you right in the woods but Bertholdt grabbed a hold of him.

“Not here, please, we’re supposed to be a team.”

“A team?! Marley raised us on how these people are murderers and terrible human beings and yet.. all they do is protect lives from titans. Fuck that bullshit, Marley is full of fucking liars and cowards!” You screamed at the both of them, not hesitating to hold any of your emotions back.

“You’re the coward and a traitor, once this is over with and we collect Eren- you and Armin are getting killed next.” Reiner scoffed, storming away and Bertholdt had stared at you before following his friend.

You were angry, all the thoughts rushing to your head and you wanted to kill them. You didn’t even care about the stupid mission anymore, it’s not like you were ever wanted on that stupid island anyways.

You got lucky that you got handed down the female titan. The only reason you did is because your dad had paid them heavy amounts of money just so he can finally be proud of you. Your family couldn’t care less about you, they only wanted you to do this because your older brother had risked his life for Marley and died in battle- they expected you to do the same.

Other than that, they pretty much hated you. You were convinced they did this to you so you can leave and not be around anymore.

Your eyes filled up with tears, of sadness and anger to the point where you stomped your way back inside the base and went straight for Armin’s room, seeing him asleep on the bed. You softened up, wiping the tears from your face and you sat on the floor beside his bed.

You didn’t want to wake him, he looked too peaceful. So you just stayed put, your fingers lightly brushing through his hair and you sighed quietly. You were so in love with him that it really messed with your head. You had no thoughts anymore, just Armin.

And you promised yourself to protect him with everything you had. Nothing was worth it anymore, you just wanted him.

-

Time had passed by, a lot of time. After getting Eren back from the two titan shifters, the scouts were settled on reclaiming wall Maria and also trying to hunt down Reiner and Bertholdt.

You were on your horse, rushing towards the wall and you had moved your head to glance back at Armin, seeing the happy smile he gave you and you couldn’t help but smile at him.

That is until everyone had made it to the wall, Reiner getting caught and not hesitating to shift and try to kill everyone. He was going crazy and from afar, the Beast Titan- the one person you haven’t seen in ages, since before you left Marley.

Your heart had pounded in your chest, you had a awful feeling. Maybe it’s because you technically were the traitor, you were siding with the Scouts but you didn’t regret doing that.

Levi had instructed you to hold your Titan form back unless it was absolutely needed because he believed Eren was fully capable of doing most of the work. But that was until Bertholdt had shown up, shifting when he saw how beaten Reiner was- convinced he was dead, it sent him into a rage.

Even then, Levi had made you hold back.

So you did.

Then when you went back over the wall after helping with Levi, both Titan shifters were down and you could hear screaming in the distance. You leaped off the wall, using the ODM gear to help you land on the floor and you saw Eren hovering over a body.

“Eren?” You were quiet but his head snapped towards you, complete pain written across his face as tears were uncontrollably streaming down.

“I’m sorry.” He said, making your eyes look down at the body and suddenly your knees had grown weak.

It was barely unrecognizable but you could tell who it was, your body giving out on you as you drop to your knees and practically crawled over to him. Your hands shaky and you wanted to grab onto him but you hesitated, the way his body was completely burnt- you couldn’t grab him.

It had taken a moment to hit you, the realization and a painful scream had left your lips knowing Reiner and Bertholdt had done what they said they were going to do- kill him.

Your heart felt empty, that’s the only way to put it. Empty. Shattered. You felt hollow.

Your screams and sobs were painful to Eren’s ears but he tried his best to somewhat comfort you. Making the others drop down on the roof and Levi had shortly came afterwards, the Titan serum being brought up but also Erwin as both of them barely were breathing.

Eren was quick to argue, threatening to fight Levi if needed for Armin to get it and Mikasa had done the same. You didn’t want to fight but you would lay your life down on the line for Armin.

“It goes to him.” You barely said over a whisper, staring down at his body and everyone had looked over at you.

“You’re telling me to pick a kid over the commander? Are you guys idiots?” Levi grunted, making your eyes shoot over at him and you stood up.

“If you would’ve simply ordered me to use my Titan form and help, Armin wouldn’t be like this right now! This is on you and you only and if I have to, I will fully use force to give him that fucking serum.” You threatened him and his eyebrows raised in amusement.

“Remember your place, cadet or else I’ll put you in it.”

The anger had bubbled up inside of you, making you rise to your feet and before you could even walk up to Levi, you were grabbed by Jean who was already injured enough from the events that occurred.

“It’s not worth it.” He mumbled, looking down at you with sad eyes, he wanted Armin to live just as much but he knew he didn’t have a say in the matter.

“It’s not worth it? Armin deserves that serum more than anyone here. Let’s not forget who even saved our asses half the time, it was him.” You practically shouted at all of them and Levi finally had enough.

He forced everyone to go away so he can decide on his own. Plus most them being injured, everyone needed to back away. But you didn’t want to go without a fight, Eren had to pull you away and take you off the building.

You didn’t want to leave Armin, you didn’t want him to die or even die alone. It made the tears slip from your eyes again, the pain you felt in your chest, it was your fault he was like this. You couldn’t help but blame yourself for everything.

But once you saw the Titan shift and eat Bertholdt, your feet managed to run over to where it was, Eren trying to grab back onto you but it was too late. You had went on the roof, watching the Titan stare at you before collapsing- the steam covering the body and you could see Armin’s body rip out of the skin.

Your heart stopped, almsot tripping over your feet as you climbed over the body and grabbed onto Armin, more sobs leaving your lips, not being able to have control over your emotions. You clinged onto him, holding his body to your chest and laid your head on top of his.

Everything was such a blur but seeing Armin just made everything clear again.

It had taken him hours to wake up, making you grow impatient as you sat on the wall beside his body and glanced around at the empty town. The victory of reclaiming wall Maria didn’t excite anyone, maybe it was because of the amount of lives lost.

Armin had woken up, his head pounding and confused as to how he was still alive until his eyes laid on you, seeing the back of your head as you stared out at the sky, hearing the breeze.

“Y/N.” He mumbled, his hand reaching out to place on your back and your eyes moved down to him.

You didn’t want to cry again but you were feeling overly emotional, his blue eyes staring up into yours and suddenly you tackled him in a hug. Almost making you both fall over but he grabbed onto you, burying his face into your shoulder.

“I thought I lost you.” You admitted, pain in your voice and as he remembered the events that happened, how he put his life on the line- he felt guilty for making you worry.

“I’m sorry but I’m here, I’m alive.” He pulled back, his soft hands reaching up to grab your cheeks and your heart finally felt full.

“I love you, I really do.” You barely said over a whisper, the butterflies swarming in your stomach and he brushed strands of your hair back from your face.

“Trust me, I love you more.” He sighed happily, seeing your face again made him realize just how precious you were to him.

He gently peppered kisses on your face, like he always did. He would always plant them all over, taking his time and always leaving your lips for last because that was his favorite spot.

Once he was done with your face, his fingers tangled in your hair and glanced down at your lips then back up to your eyes, the cute little grin on his face as he finally molded your lips together and kept it slow yet soft.

After that, you had told Armin everything. From Marley to everything and why you came to the island. He understood, he wasn’t mad at you because you never showed signs of betrayal. He knew that and he fully trusted you.

You knew everyone back home would be angry, wanting you dead but as his bright blue eyes stared at you with such love and hope, it was worth betraying your home for him. He was the only person that cared about your well being and loved you completely.

Armin was all you needed. Nothing else mattered.

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Pls😭😭

• Main Masterlist •

• AOT Masterlist •

[normal-thoughts-official]

One of the underrated moments of 3b was when Magnus told maryse he doesn't want to burden Alec and she tells him Magnus is part of the family now and he goes 😍 really?? 😍 and then alec tells him he is too much and u can see magnus taking a second to respond because all his newly formed hopes that maybe he isn't too much gets broken like its so heartbreaking that scene is so well acted we don't talk enough about it

god yeah!!!!!!!!!! everything about that moment is SO heartbreaking because magnus was finally daring to hope, after three seasons of expecting alec to get tired of him at the drop of a hat. he was always ready for something to be too much for alec and for the FIRST time he actually allowed himself to believe that alec was in it for the long run, that he would accept magnus even when he wasnt completely powerful and useful and put-together

and i dont think its just maryse saying that but specifically the fact that the night before alec had said "let me be here for you". it always breaks me that THIS LINE, not anything else, was what made magnus break down in his arms. because he had been trying so hard to keep it in and not be a burden and be cheerful and give alec what he wanted, and then alec begged him to just let him help and that. was so powerful because magnus felt so alone and he had been trying so hard not to put this on alec but then alec desperately ASKS him to. and it's such a shock and a relief and at the same time so terrifying his walls finally finish crumbling and he cries so hard his knees buckle and holy fucking shit that scene was so amazing too

so like who wouldnt feel a little more grounded after that? alec didnt just put up with magnus' pain, no, he asked magnus to please let him help him. to be honest. to cry and let alec wipe the tears and deal with the "ugly" parts of him, the fragile parts, the parts that couldnt stand to be strong on their own anymore. and that's all magnus ever wanted, yet didn't really dare to hope for

so for the first time he feels confident that he has someone to lean on. someone he can allow himself to crumble with, even if only for a second and then he's back to trying to get his life together. but for once he's not afraid alec will think he's too much and leave him. in fact, when alec says he needs a break, MAGNUS DOESN'T GET IT. it's such a stark contrast with the magnus who needed reassurance that alec didn't think less of him because of his father, or the magnus who said he never wanted alec to know about his past, or even the magnus from just a day before who tried to bolt and escape alec before alec saw him crumble for real. but i think it makes sense; because of that line from alec. how could he doubt alec would stay with him, when alec had just given him everything he ever wanted, possibly even more? this held so much significance for magnus; alec begging to be there for him was a complete game changer for him

and like dont get me wrong, that line from alec didnt single handedly solve his self esteem issues or anything, both because he still has a long way to go and because he had been learning, however slowly, to open up and let himself be supported for a century now. it's why he ever even got with alec in the first place; because he was daring to try to be vulnerable again. but that line, at the very least, changed magnus' confidence in their relationship. doubly so when maryse lightwood, of all fucking people, promised that they'd be there for him. and she meant it, too, because maryse doesn't say anything she doesn't mean, now does she

and im not going to get into the whole maryse lightwood redemption arc™ thing, but still. this matters. he felt accepted. he had people promising to be there for him, and holy shit, he actually believed them

and then it all immediately fell apart. and he was so confused and this very shaky confidence in his relationship with alec just crumbled. and thats what he meant when he said "i can't lose you too, alec" - not that he couldn't bear to live without him, but that this relationship was the one thing that was finally, finally helping him convince himself that it was okay to ask for help, that he had worth. that he was more than just useful and powerful and capable of helping others, that he had value for himself, too. that people wouldn't leave him to rot as soon as he stopped being worthwhile

it's also why he wanted to erase his memories, because the scar of that - finally allowing himself to believe, just for a little, that it was okay to not be put together every once in a while, only to have that hope completely crushed - honestly threatened his recovery so much, and could throw him back so far. like, don't get me wrong, alec was special to him, their relationship was special, and that also played a part. but one can live without romantic love, even a great one. and magnus had done it before, was used to it even. it's the impact it had on his self esteem that was too much to bear in a state as fragile as he already was

and in short yeah that scene hurts like hell

[latetaektalk]

Hi, I don’t want to bother you about this because it is just personal stuff but I wanted some advice. I’m a junior in high school so I’m reaching that age where I will be getting my drivers license soon. (I will be taking my test around December/ January) I still have lots of time for practice and everything but me and my mom have started discussing the topic of what my car will be. Originally due to family issues my uncle gave my mom his car and we had agreed that it would become my car even though it’s wasn’t my choice. But my mom ended up giving my uncle back the car because he was in a rough situation. But now that my mom is car less she is using my dads car (he has two but one is his personal car and the other is a company car given to him from his job) and she wants her own car asap. She had told me that because she was going to give my uncle the car back (and it was supposed to be mine) she would buy me my dream car instead (a vw beetle) and she would have to figure out what she would end up driving but she told me not to worry about it. But now she made the decision to buy my aunts car (because my aunt wants a new car) and since she’s going to buy it, the car would be passed to me when I get my license (which she didn’t tell me until tonight). In my head she would buy my aunts car for herself because she loves my aunts car and I would get my beetle like she originally said. But since she told me that wasn’t the case and my aunts car would be mine I was upset but I wasn’t going to act entitled. After doing some thinking I told her I would get the beetle myself. Since I won’t be getting my license till the end of the year I still have time to save up money to get a car. I will be getting a job in October (after my birthday) and I told her that I would pay for the car myself and she wouldn’t need to worry about it but that upset her for some reason. I feel that she doesn’t believe I can handle it myself because my parents have financial issues and she thinks I’ll be the same way. So then comes my need for advice, how do I get my mom to understand that I want to be able to do this for myself and I wholeheartedly believe that I can make the payments for a car on my own? Another aspect is even though she claims she loves my aunts car she also doesn’t want to get stuck with it because she also doesn’t want that car for the long run. She’s only going to buy it because its cheaper and because she’s currently car less. (She isn’t relying on my dads cars) I want her to know that I understand the financial issues and that’s why she is making these decisions but I also want to be included in these decisions that impact me. I’m sorry this is a lot and I understand if you don’t want to deal with this.

hi bub 💓 first of all, i wanna say that you dont have to apologise at all! im always happy to help and give some advice to the best of my abilities!! now, im gonna be putting my answer under the cut because this is a bit longer

i wanna start out by telling you that your feelings are completely valid. youre almost an adult now and obviously want to be included in decisions that affect you, especially such a big one as buying a car. its unfortunate that your mother didnt discuss these matters with you prior!

aside from that, i do think that you should talk to your mother about her wanting to buy a car that, in the end, she will just pass on to you! now, i understand that it must be very difficult to have no car right now, especially if there are also finanical issues, but it doesnt seem very fair to me that you have to be the one to be stuck with the car later either. maybe tell your mother how she wouldnt want to be stuck with the car, why would you want it then? point out that this isnt fair, but also acknowledge what a privilege it is to be getting a car in the first place! stress that you dont want to sound entilted in any way or ignore the financial issues your parents are having, but that you simply want to be able to make decisions of your own! maybe you could talk to your mother about how she could use one of your dad's cars if she really needs one so desperately? or maybe even public transport? how about getting a bike and using that for a while? you could also offer her that youll help her get around when you have your car! maybe then she will be even willing to help you pay for it, or at least see how it is beneficial for you to get your own car.

from your ask ive gathered that youve already talked to your mother about it, right? now im not sure how you approached the subject, but maybe this time when you bring it up again, you could prepare something beforehand that shows her just how serious you are about this! maybe you could come up with a plan, or a powerpoint presentation in which you lay out all of the issues and how you plan on solving them—how will you be getting the money? how much do you have saved up already? how are you going to cover car insurance? how is buying your own car going to be beneficial? etc. i also think you should touch on how you understand that there are financial issues but like youve said, you would like to be included in these types of decisions because they do impact you. not to mention, youre almost an adult too! you should therefore be treated like someone capable of making their own decisions! you should also bring up how much you love the car and present getting it as an investment, something youll be using for years to come, something that will help you later on after graduation to get to uni or your workplace etc.

if youre thorough with your plan/presentation (or whatever else you end up coming up with), your mother will hopefully see that you are completely serious about this!

i hope i could somehow help you bub, and that your mother will see that you are completely serious about this!! wishing you good luck 💕 please know that im cheering on for you here! also i hope your driving lessons go well ✨

[marshmallowprotection]

It was three days after it that another soft knock came at the door. Unknown was asleep on Lilas lap, so she quietly called out for them to come in.

She expected it to be Spicy, but she didnt expect to see the bags under her eyes, which always seemed to be there, much darker. Her skin much paler than normal, and her eyes seemed to be red and puffy, as if she just finished crying.

She could see bandages poking out from her sleeves and the neck of her turtle neck.

Spicy looked at Unknown, before sighing softly. "I came to apologize, but I'll do it later. Sorry for bothering you." She whispered, already turning and leaving.

"Wait. What do you want to apologize for?" Lila whispered back, knowing that if she was the one who told Unknown, it might go better than if Spicy did.

The look Spicy gave her when she said that screamed 'Are you fucking serious?'

Spicy dropped her gaze to the floor, and Lila saw how tired, how exhausted she looked.

"For everything. For comparing him to that monster, for avoiding him, for making things more difficult for him than they already were, for making him have to babysit me? A lot of things." Spicy could feel the tears pricking her eyes, and was glad that her long bangs covered her eyes for once.

"... I don't expect him to forgive me. I most likely wouldn't. I... I just don't want him to hate me." I don't want to be abandoned again. Her voice was small, hands slightly trembling as the claw marks on her arms and neck started to throb in pain again.

Spicy blinked the tears out of her eyes as she reached into her jacket pocket, pulling out two cloud pendants, one with lily of the valley painted on it, and the other with lilac. On the inside of them, a picture. The fact that Spicy wasn't in them didn't mean anything.

Handing them to Lila, before backing away towards the door to leave, Spicy froze at what Lila said.

"I think... I think he'll forgive you, even if he doesn't say it."

One beat if silence, two. Then

"... I don't deserve to be forgiven after saying something like that."

The soft click of the door closing was heard as Mint eyes stared at it.

What bothered Lila the most was that she knew Spicy believed it.

Her outstretched hand fell flat at her side the minute that the door opened. She frowned and looked back at the white-haired man that had taken space in her bubble by falling against her form not long ago, and then shifting to something that Spicy had clearly worked hard on. 

They were just kids, and that was the thing that she was the most upset about. She didn’t know a lot about what he had gone through thanks to that wicked woman that had threatened her life on two occasions already. 

But, if it had been bad enough to make him seethe and see red? Then she could only imagine what those other two were dealing with. It reminded her of the way that her own sister had used to try to redirect pain and misfortunate from their parents by stepping in and claiming the attention shift to her as the favorite of the family. 

She knew that feeling, she knew it very well. Her heart was breaking for every single person trapped in this place. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. She may not have come here willingly but it was obvious that the real monster here was the one disconnecting everyone and using them like pawns when they people who barely held on. 

“Your pain runs deep,” she said, the fingers on her free hand smoothing down his messy locks. “But, don’t you think that their pain runs just as deep? How did you feel when you were brought here?” 

Mint eyes were open, he had been awake the entire time. “...I don’t remember all of those days,” the exhaustion in his voice was clear. He was often more honest whenever he was bleary-eyed and off the elixir, and she could hear some kind of sincerity in his voice. 

“Do you know what it’s like to want grown-ups to be proud of you? Or, what it feels like to want to know that the person that’s supposed to be looking out for you to care?”  

Silence. 

Lila clasped at his hand and set the trinket within his fingers. He stared down at it and the familiar flower as if it were taunting him. He remembered this, and he remembered how it made... no, not him, someone else, feel like there was light in this world and he was crushed for it. Why had he been crushed? Because he hadn’t been strong. 

Unknown was slowly spiraling more and more as he discovered what it felt like t be in charge of someone vulnerable, and while he didn’t know how to be a kind or caring person, his rough regard and warning... his games, his taunts, they all bleed into his anger and passion. His warnings were laced with double meaning but it wasn’t his fault those brats were sensitive. 

It hadn’t been Ray’s fault, either, had it? 

He grits his teeth as that memory came and faded into the darkness. 

“Forgive me, but I think they both really care about you,” she mumbled. “I think they want your acknowledgment. Not an apology, but... maybe you could tell them that you’re trying to...” 

“I’m not looking out for anyone,” was his blunt response. His fingers still clutched onto the charm like a lifeline. The hasty and sputtered apology from Bree written in her hand was one thing. He hadn’t thought she’d go that far, but he’d already given her a second chance. He didn’t apologize. 

He let you live and he let you know that you had another shot. 

The same thing, he figured. 

“Didn’t you lie about the... the elixir for me?” 

“That’s— That’s different,” he said, bluntly. He was quick to look into her eyes with a warning. “I’m not going to waste elixir on my assistant. You already need me for everything and you already do everything I tell you to do. I don’t need you out of your mind all the time. I want you to have clarity when I win.” 

Lila breathed in, deeply. She knew that there was no winning with him, but at the same time, she knew that he was... trying? His venom wasn’t as strong as it had been before. “She’s supposed to help us... help you achieve your goal, and as far as I can tell, she thinks the world of someone like you. So, can you... show her that you appreciate that?” 

“What do you take me for? You think I want to play house, princess? We don’t have time to play pretend.” 

“No, no— No, that’s not what I meant. I meant... couldn’t you just give her a hug or something? She was on the brink of tears because she regrets saying what she said to you. You know what it must feel like to say things out of anger and not mean them,” she hurriedly said. “I mean... they’re just kids. Don’t you know what that feels like?” 

A heavy chuckle escaped his lips. It was more bitter than anything. “You really have a warped perspective of the world if you have faith in monsters, silly little fool. You think the demon is going to play nice?” 

“Even demons are capable of kindness if I want to believe in them,” the words hung on the air. “You need her for your goals. She believes in you just as I’ve decided to believe in you. So, don’t you think you should offer them what you’ve shared with me?” 

“...” 

“...Just think about it.” 

Those words would compel him to hunt them down.