#like. it sounds so stupid but if you dont like your body/think youre ugly just. set up a mirror so you see yourself often?

[weirdbabs]

unintentional effect of having my mirror right in front of my bed: ive found i take a lot more semi nude photos, which is nice bc it means im getting better about my self image and think im cute and need to document it, not that anyones gonna see them

[angelanderson]

I really want an Ellabs x reader fic of fem reader really needing comfort bc she's sad/overwhelmed but she tries to hide it from ellabs but obv they notice smth is off, so they tell her they noticed smth is wrong and she kinda breaks down at that, then they comfort her thru it, listening to her problems or insecurities n'stuff <33 Sorry if it's confusing and/or too long, u dont gotta do it but i'd appreciate it tons <33 (Im totally not self projecting)

ur projecting = supported. 🫢 100% sfw/comfort fic but still no men or minors. type of relationship between them is up to u! this ended up a semi- full length fic oops ? enjoy!

sometimes it just feels too hard. being the newest member in jackson means you feel like you have to prove your worth 24/7. and it’s exhausting, really. abby is just so strong, ellie has the best patrol work, and you? you feel… weak. you (falsely) feel like nothing you’ve done has proven you’re worth the space in jackson.

so when monday rolls around, you tell ellie and abby you have plans with someone else so you can just go home and hide. they don’t question that, why would they? tuesday you tell them you wanna go to bed early. okay, fine. but then it’s wednesday, and they’re starting to get that something is going on with you.

the worry starts to kick in wednesday night after maria tells the two women you asked to go home early, citing that you’re not feeling well. abby all but drags ellie to your tiny place immediately after hearing maria’s words. you always tell each other everything. so why didn’t you now?!

it’s easy to know abby and ellie are knocking at your door simply because of the sheer force of it. five minutes you try to pretend you’re not home. you don’t want them to see you in this state; you’ve been ugly crying for two hours now. however, they don’t give up. it’s not like you could expect anything else from them.

“baby, we know you’re home. let us in, yeah? we’re worried about you,” abby shouts out after another two minutes of knocking.

you respond back with a sickly voice from the sofa, “no, go away. ‘m busy.”

you can just feel the attitude enter ellie’s body now. you know how stubborn she can be. “no, we know you’re lying. i will find a way in if you don’t let us in within the next thirty seconds.”

you know she isn’t joking as you move to open the door. the sight of you upon opening the door is not a pretty one— your face is red, covered in tears. ellie takes a deep breath before she pushes in. she won’t let you shut them out anymore. abby shuts the door before them before heading you back onto the sofa with them. each other is on either side of you within the matter of seconds.

as per usual, abby is the first one to break the silence. “oh, honey, what’s going on? we could’ve helped you sooner if we knew.” the way she sounds sad just makes you feel worse.

insecurities once again bubbling over, you do the only thing you can think of: you try to shove abby away. being significantly stronger than you means it didn’t feel like a single thing. however, abby won’t put up with you lashing out right now. she knows you can be their sweet girl even in the toughest of moments.

ellie watches like a hawk as abby grabs both of your wrists to stop you from trying to push her away again. “just because you’re upset doesn’t mean you can act out. are you going to be the big girl i know you are now? or do i need to keep you here?”

the concerned sternness of her voice makes you whimper in reply. fresh tears leak down your face as you try to find the words to explain. “i- i just don’t think i deserve to be here! everyone, especially you two, carry your weight around here! and what do i do? i’m just a stupid girl working in the bar!”

and, well, neither of them could say they were expecting that response. sure, you were newer to Jackson, but so was everyone at one point. you were also one of the most popular Jackson residents— everyone loves the energy you bring to the bar after a long day of work. so it just makes sense that both women are beyond shocked to realize that this is why you’re so down. how could you not know how loved you are here?

as yet another round of tears starts to fall, you feel abby’s big arms quickly pull you into her chest. your body starts to shake with each inhale as you start to sob into abby’s chest. while ellie rushes to rub your back, abby starts to tilt your head up so you can see her.

“angel, angel, no. let’s take some deep breathes and then we’ll all have a talk, okay?”, abby coos as she wipes away the falling tears.

ellie puts your right hand over abby’s heart when your breathing doesn’t start to slow any. she speaks in the softest voice she can muster up,“deep breaths with me and abby, baby. feel abby’s heart beat. we’re all going to just relax together before anything else.”

two minutes between your favorite people is all it takes to reduce you to just sniffles. you slouch back into your seat once you’ve finally caught your breath. you look up at abby and ellie with wet eyes before letting out a long sigh. no one is sure who should speak first.

ellie decides she’ll be the one to start, “it’s not true, you know? everyone here loves you. helping run the bar is important. you create a space where we can all relax for once. emphasis on the relax part.”

abby grunts in agreement with ellie. “you know ellie’s right, don’t you baby,” abby questions before looking over to ellie, “our favorite girl’s always making everyone feel happy, isn’t she?”

“for real though, you really do play a big part here. you know ellie and i started arguing less when you came around? pretty big deal there, you know. even joel commented on it,” the dirty blonde continues on the conversation.

and that makes you giggle for the first time all day. “even joel? really?” while you knew they had a previous history of more frequent fights, you didn’t know even joel was over it back then too.

“yeah, it’s really true,” abby starts before taking a breath to think about her next words. she exhales, “strength isn’t everything, you know? you add just as much as we do here. creating a space where people can relax while we live on this hell on earth is just as important as what we do. we all do the best here because we are better with each other. our system can’t function without others.”

you’re sure you’d be crying tears of happiness right now if you weren’t so exhausted from all your previous crying. your previous anxieties start to slip away as you start to truly internalize both of their words from today. you are important. you matter here. just like everyone else.

no one is given a chance to speak before you’re pulling ellie and yourself on top of abby. “i love you, i love you, i love you both,” you whisper out. “you’re right. i promise i’ll come talk to you next time i’m feeling down, okay? know you’ll make me say that part next!”

“okay smarty pants, you better. also, we always are, darling. love you the most,” teases ellie before she presses a kiss to the back of your head.

“hey! what if i love you both the most? then what?” you’re sure you can feel ellie roll her eyes as abby whines out playfully.

“okay, okay. how about we all love each other the most? can we just agree so i can drink some water now? my head is killing me.” a major post-crying headache has just started to come on for you.

ellie rolls her eyes playful at both of you. “i’ll get us all some water”, she commands as she walks to your kitchen, “and get comfy with abby. we’ll watch a movie, and yes, you can choose today.”

yay! end note to say ur important and i’m glad ur here + love that we all each add our own special things to this earth 🫂

[somevillainfuckery]

Hello there! I hate drama and and want to nip this in the bud! 😃 Can I clarify something? Because I am a bit confused. Sorry if this is long...

Apparently I shared something of yours as a shipper at one point and you didn't like that...... and then (based on what you wrote in your tag to me) that you apparently shared some sort of passive aggressive message and it ended up being about me? And you think I clapped back? Or something like that?? I think???

And then you said something about an anonymous message?

I am very confused. Because I have no idea what you are talking about. I haven't seen or interacted to any complaint post. I aint got time for that. Ive been on this tag for 2 days, and I am well aware that it is polarized on the ship. Believe me. And i respect that. That is your opinion and you free to have it, I also love the platonic side too! I'm literally here for a good time and dont do drama.

I have learned that l've shared something of yours, and it made you uncomfortable, but I don't like that and I don't like to cause rifts in fandoms. I actually like all types of ships because I don't think that any one ship can be wrong because it's all fantasy and no one ship should be able to gatekeep any fandom, AND we should all stay in each other's lanes. I am just living my life, dude. If I have something to say I will use my face. I don't do anon. I'm not a coward.

In the past I have personally have gotten death threats and anonymous lies about my info being stolen as well as anon messages of people wanting to rape my dead body all because I ship something they don't approve of in past fandoms. So sick and stupid. All for a personal preference! So gross!! But anime fandoms are ceazy. That behavior is what I call a cheeto-fingered red bull flavored anti, and yes, I referenced them in one beetlejuice post because they are out definitely there.

God I hope you aren't one of those people.

Now I can honestly say that I haven't seen this supposed post of yours being passive aggressive towards shipppers (me), nor have I sent you any anonymous messages, but I would appreciate it, if you are just a normal person trying to keep the peace, then please, if you have an issue with me, please bring it up with me personally instead of adding to potential drama than doesn't need to be had.

I did make a post about my opinion on the couple after my first watch of the new movie, and I added a bit at the end about antis, but I figure you as more of a non-shipper or something, because you seemed cordial the post you tagged me in, and I haven't gotten anything ugly yet in this fandom which is nice. (thank goodness)

I mean hell, I support crack milulti-fandom ships because at the end of the day it's all fantasy and no one is wrong. I'm Ace so I actually love platonic ships just as much as romantic ones. I like and support it all!!! I just am fucked up in the head and i like this one romantically too. I am well aware that this ship is problematic, but thats why fantasy is so fun. I crave normalcy in reality but anything but in fantasy.

Like you said in the post you tagged me in, I also don't want to cause more unnecessary drama. I have not been in the beetlejuice tag for very long so if there is a more appropriate tags to use I will defitately use them. I am all about keeping the peace.

I'm just here to share content and find fun people to vibe with, but yeah I am used to staying vigilant with the uglies that try to be mean. Ive created sancruary groups for other fandoms simply so people can enjoy their ships in peace. I am not paying attention to you if you don't ship them (at least I'm trying not to).

I have not, nor will I read whatever it was that might have been said, but I am happy to rectify my mistake and delete anything I might have shared of yours. I will not heart or share any of your posts, because I do ship them and I don't want people to get the wrong idea about you. - Damn that sounds Hella passive aggressive but I'm not trying to be.

Believe me, this is the weirdest message I've sent to anyone, but I hope it is read and understood by a cordial individual. Please be safe out there. Please enjoy your lovely platonic besties, and I hope you find solas in whatever you can. The world is vicious. 💚🖤

(@spirits-n-giggles because of the word-limit on the chat I will reply here. I apologize for the delay in seeing/replying to this. I'm gonna try and explain things to the best of my ability-) To explain the anon thing, I swear, I did not think it was you. The very second I sent out my complaint post, someone sent an anonymous ask ripping me a new one, and I chose to delete and ignore it. After that I just realized that the complaint post was.. really really stupid of me- When I mentioned you in the post you had actually seen, the reason I apologized for the complaint post was in case you had seen it and decided to ignore it [which is completely valid]. I'm sorry you have to deal with horrible threats simply because of a ship you like. Just because someone ships a certain thing, does not mean that gives people the right to harass them. Just like you, I'm only trying to enjoy beetlejuice content, and I'm not trying to have any drama go down. I'm glad you understand, and that you enjoy my content. I won't block anyone from enjoying anything I post unless absolutely necessary, and right now.. its not anything serious enough to have you remove things that you reblogged from my account or anything. If you enjoy it, then do what you will, reblog and like what you want. I'm glad we both just want to keep the peace in the fandom, and avoid trouble, and I'm sorry if we got off on the wrong foot. I wish you a wonderful weekend, and if there's anything else that needs clarification, if you want to ask about anything else, or even away from this and you wanna talk about anything else- please reach out to me and let me know.

[lilyfraci]

Merman Kokushibou x Fem! Reader (PART 2)

PART2 IS HERE👑

You can't feel anything and you felt like you were floating on clouds 9. Blood drooling down to your temple. What happened? Where are the sailors? Are they okay? Where are they? Is max okay?

I dont remember…

"Don't forget me… And I won't forget you either… "

Huh? A voice? It sounds so different but i know its clearly a guy type. Who is it? It sounds like a melody to my ears.

You tried to process everything even in this unconscious state, trying to connect all of your cells back together.

"I would forever stare into your enchanting eyes… So beautiful.. Just like you… "

This is so heavenly to listen such a soft song, but am i dreaming? If not… Then who is it?

You feel yourself finally getting consciousness as you groaned a little, alerting the person who was singing. You pry yur eyes open slowly but your vision are still blurry and your head starts to get a headache making you even groan louder and louder by any seconds.

Suddenly you hear someone screaming, its man's voice and you recognize it. It was the knights and to mention, you hear a loud splash.

"She's alive! The princess is alive! Alert the king!"

👑

"I got myself weak again. " "… " "I wanna be yours, and you'll be mine. "

👑

Everything was going smoothly, birds singing and a sun was pretty bright outside making the flowers bloom beautifully. An unconscious princess was laying down to her bed, comfortably and peacefully.

You woke up with a headache and a bandage on your head. The sunlight illuminate the room brightly making you squint your eyes and groan in tiredness. Yur body felt weak and a little bit of in pain.

"W-what happened..?" You groaned before rubbing the temple of your head.

You hear your door slowly opening as you turn your head to it and saw your dad peeking his head and was shocked to see you fully awake as he immediately rushes at you with a grateful and a guilt expression and held both of your hands.

"My daughter!! You're awake! Dear god… Thank you! Im glad that you made it out alive.. " He spoke with such happiness and tears running down to his cheeks before looking down.

"I'm so sorry, my daughter… I'm so sorry that this happened to you because of me! If this stupid of mine didn't existed then you would be fine and good! I felt so bad for what you've gone through… "

He looked down as he sobs quietly, trying to gulp down his breakdown.

Your face went soft as you smiled before putting a hand on your father's head and patting it.

"I'm fine dad…. And i already forgave you, please don't ever feel ashamed of it." You said gracefully.

And that, both you and your father hugged, enjoying this moment together.

👑

The ocean was always so beautiful and bright, as if it was a second version of heaven. But deep inside, there was dark and evil under it and it's true,

The ocean can be both good and bad.

. . .

"You know… That human will never ever loved you back! Just look at yourself!"

"Shut your mouth, ugly eyes. You're annoying me. "

"Awhh!! Why are you both always so cold and mean to-"

"That doesn't matter to you, if i loved her then do not interfere because you're not apart of this."

"Oh… Is that so? Besides… Don't you think humans are all the same? Imagine if she sees your eyes! Would she be terrified?"

"Ugh, im leaving. This is just a waste of time. "

HII!! IM BACK! SORRY IF THIS WAS SHORT BUT TRUST ME, I'LL WORK EVEN MORE FASTER AND HARDER FOR YOU GUYS!!

PART 3 is in progress 👑

[rosekasa]

You know your post about features you love on others but on you is just not that much, thats because you're conscious you are you, you judge yourself more easily than you will do others because you know all of your little details, you don't go staring at each pore on someoneface all the time bbut on yourself you do maybe every morning or every night. To look in the mirror and say "im wonderful" takes time, so much time to learn, you basically need to get out of your body and mind and go "oh! Who is this stranger? Is so beautiful!" And then go "oh is me!"

I did not reach it fully yet, but after i changed my hair and looks that i went full on another person i had that shock of "wow WHO is this?!" In awe for the first time like i was a random person, and was it good!

awww anon!!! hugs hugs. im really glad you had that feeling!! you already sound like a very beautiful person <3

i dont think i struggle with my self image as much as i used to when i was younger because i realised no one is actually 'ugly' and that the way you look to others is literally 90% dependent on how you are as a person and how you make them feel. but i think that's led to me feeling a lot like i think i look pretty to myself because i dress/do my makeup/act in a way that i like, but i dont think anyone else would agree with me. it's a weird juxtaposition of a feeling and it makes me feel nervous to act like i like myself in case other people think im stupid or delusional for it

[slayingqueenchal]

Lost. | loak x f!human!reader, platonic!neteyam x f!human!reader

Warnings : slight hint of mutualinsecurities, you can breathe without a mask, mean loak, angst angst angst! AGED UP!!!

Slight summary : basically reader gets insecure, because of tsireya, neteyam comforts you but loak gets jealous and everything just goes wrong (don't worry, happy ending)

You could see it in his eyes. When a girl walks by. Her beautiful hair, big doe eyes, her body shape, and the way she talks.

"What's wrong, kiddo? " Neteyam asks. What's wrong? What's wrong? Everything.

You two sat on the big rock, as neteyam waited for you to reply. "I don't know, net, something just feels off".

"What is it, darling? " The older brother asked you. Suddenly, a burst of tears came out of your eyes. "Oh c'mere, y/n..what is it? " Neteyam hugs you close. "You know how I feel about your brother, and how sometimes he could be.. An asshole, but I just-", " Oh what did he do this time? " Neteyam sighed, drawing circles on your back.

"I feel stupid, for liking him. I'm not even one of you! I'm no na'vi, I'm a human who was lucky enough to be given this ability to breathe your air, I'm different! Your mother doesn't like me, loak hates me, and the only person I'm truly close with is you! ", " My dear, y/n, I can talk to him to be less rude, I can talk to my mother, just dont-dont be so harsh to yourself "

"Loak screamed at me the other day, called me ugly, and other mean words, ". You remembered it vividly.

As the sun sets, you walked to the sully's. Only to find out there's only loak. "Hey, loak, I brought you some food" You put it on the small table.

"thanks" He said, not even looking at you. "Are you okay, loak? " You said, looking at his demeanor. "No" Loak replied. "I'm here if you want to tal-"

"Will you just stop it! Stop all of this 'I'm nice' facade! You know what I don't even know why you're here! You're so--youre such a bitch honestly, all you do is stalk other people and cry when they don't like it, it's ugly you know? It really is fucking weird! And you try so hard to be cute, it's really not working, you're not tsireya! " The boy screamed at you. You immediately cried, running out of the tent. "Wait, y/n, sweet heart, wait! " The boy screamed, but by then you were gone.

"He- he called me a bitch, then have the guts to call me sweetheart afterwards, and I've been thinking of just.. Just leaving this place, you know? " You sobbed, "no you wont, you won't leave this place, we can fix this" Neteyam said.

"I hope"

Unbeknownst to you, loak saw you hugging neteyam. Even though he couldn't hear what you were saying, it was over for him. Neteyam always gets everything he wants.

"Loak? " A fierce voice said. "What do you want from me, neteyam? Had an amusing day with your girlfriend? " Loak scoffed, looking him straight in the eyes.

"I'm not with y/n, but, loak, I know everything. You like the girl, why are you so rude to her? " Getting a reply " Rude? I'm saving her so she won't date a guy like me! ".

"Loak, you're hurting her. The poor girl hates herself now, you called her a bitch" Neteyam walked closer "I wanted to say sorry, but ever since.. That day she just sort of disappeared."

"You're slowly losing her, loak, she has been thinking of going far away from here, and you can fix this, just please try to, be soft to here, alright? You can do it, I just need to guide you a little bit" Neteyam spoke.

"Y/n? Y/n! Here you are! " Loak said, chasing you. "What do you want, lo? " You sassed, walking away. "Y/n, please wait" Loak grabbed your wrist, his strength forcing you to stay.

"Im sorry", " That's it?, you're sorry, okay, Apology accepted " You scoffed. "No, love, I'm truly sorry, I've been mean to you and for what? I'm so sorry, sweetheart just, please, i-. nga yawne lu oer! Y/n I love you! " He said. The boy never sounded this desperate. Ever.

"I appreciate that, and you know, I love you, but you can't just expect me to let you In my heart! Those mean words doesn't just go away! " You talked back. "Please give me a chance, please give us a chance! " He cried.

You considered it. "Loak. If I give us a chance, please don't act like this, like you hate me, please don't", " I won't, love, I won't, please-" But, you cut him off saying "loak, may I kiss you? ".

He stood there, frozen, "yes, of course you can" He said, lowering himself, and yet you still had to tippy-toe yourself.

"I've wanted to do that for a very long time" He said.

And since then, every thing was all good.

[abdomensect]

"trans exclusionary" is a deceptive term, especially when tifs are like "terfs want me dead :(" no girlie we want u to be happy and liberated by feminism too

the term purposely sounds mean, so it makes your brain go, "why are you excluding them! come on let them in! :("

im personally fine with trans women & trans men existing and transitioning and whatever, i think most of them are doing it in good faith and not trying to be invasive. i have some trans women friends and they're respectful and understanding.

but i have a problem when they speak over women on feminist issues that don't involve them and often derail from our causes. it excludes them not because we're evil mean ugly terfs, it's cause their causes are irrelevant to feminism.

i dont think tifs are "confused" weak girls who are incapable of making their own decisions, or that they're stupid. I just wish they would ask "why do i feel this way? what is it about being a woman I can't stand? what do I think would be better if I was male? is that due to society? why can't I do that as a woman?

the pressure to transition, especially for young girls, often stems from wanting to escape misogyny, which is a feminist issue. they are not excluded from our feminism.

young gay or feminine boys being bullied for being feminine until they desire to transition is a feminist issue, because the perception of males doing feminine things as degrading & worthy of scorn is a feminist issue, it stems from misogyny

transition is often still harmful mentally and physically, and I feel that most young trans people are not properly informed or believe the consequences are worth it, since they've been made to believe they'll be suicidal and self-hating the rest of their life unless they do it as soon as possible. teens have a very bad epidemic of low self esteem and terrible body image, it should be looked into further mentally instead of treated with surgery and understudied hormones.

[carpenoctxrn]

Doctor. Doctor. (Spencer Reid x FemReader)

Chapter 9: Prove Myself

Join my taglist by clicking here so you dont miss my future works.

You can find Chapter 8 here.

Previously

“..so gorgeous…” His whispered words made my own chaotic and quite anxious thoughts stop.

Snapping my eyes open I looked at him to see he was staring at my sleeping form.

“Did you say something?” I asked him, feigning my ears deaf to the words he had just spoken.

“The tree’s, they look gorgeous with the amber leaves and the dark night sky,” He spoke as he looked out to my side of the windshield. 

Smiling, I looked out and agreed with him through a nod of my head. 

He probably said amber leaves are gorgeous because of her hair.

That ugly jealousy came back into the pit of my stomach at my own thought. The feeling traveling up my stomach and latching itself painfully to my heart that I could feel breaking at the weight of the new feeling.

“Do you like amber leaves because they remind you of her?” I questioned him.

“I think I like amber leaves because they remind me of you.” He said with a smile back.

WARNING: Its cute, with a little dirty thoughts, light teasing, talk of trauma. Its just a chapter to focus on the relationship between you and Spencer.

Chapter 9: Pinus Taeda

He said those words as he looked at me. His face was graced with a smile but his eyes were laced with something much more intoxicating. 

“Elaborate please?” I asked with a smile and tilt of my head to have a friendly and unbothered look to hide the pounding within my chest that numbed the sound of the car driving to my own ears.

“Well the pinus taeda also most commonly known as Loblolly Pine is an interesting tree to me. In nature it behaves much like a human. Its surroundings determine its growth physically, much like how your surroundings determine your emotion, Dr. Monterey, more than it impacts others.” He explained softly as we began to pull up to the apartment. His words shouldn't have held that much wisdom but for some reason it did.

My heart felt a weight lift itself from it as I smiled at him. His words sent jolts of peace and comfort through my body, warming it up. A positivity I felt myself resound with as I basked in the pleasure I felt. It was different. A sense of validation made itself known to my horny body.

“You see the world through a unique lens, Dr. Reid.” I spoke with a small chuckle as he parked the car right next to my spot.

“Hey you park next to me,” I said, amazed more at the idea his car parks next to me than the idea of how we went the car ride without discussing what happened in the grocery store.

“Yea from this spot I had calculated using pythagorean theorem with a little bit of trigonometry and studying the schematics of the apartments and parking structure that I purchased from the library, from there a little bit of math and some calculations for human error and I figured out that parking in this two spots were much efficient for if my purpose was to walk less. So in conclusion I have mathematically proven the walk from this parking space is shorter.” he spoke as he maneuvered his arm around the space of the car to gather things like my grocery bag, his wallet, keys, phone, and his jacket.

“Huh,” I said, getting his attention, “It just felt short enough for me.” The seriousness of my tone and the surprise on his face created a comedic atmosphere.

It wasn’t long until our faces were grinning like the cheshire cat as we laughed at the situation at hand. I laughed because of what had occurred in the past 4 or so hours; My crush on the man next to me, My past is coming back again, My stupid fling going all rough on me in a store, The creepo EMT. 

I could feel my face turning red at the end of our minute or so long laughter session. The chiseled faced doctor next to me also had a red tint on his cheeks. Looking at the time that flashed on my phone from receiving the notifications from Phil I looked up into the warm hazel eyes of Spencer.

“Let’s go home?” I asked the statement in a question. 

Receiving a smile and a nod from Spencer I grabbed my phone and purse, as I released myself the belt around my stomach and chest, ready to open the door outside a loud WAIT! came out from the man next to me.

Horrified, I looked at him, trying to understand the source of his abrupt scream. As my wide eyes and gaped mouth looked at him he leaned in. And the time around me stopped.

His body leaned closer and closer to me. Every inch he was closer to me I could feel the heat from him much more prominently. His scent was more prominent also. The light notes of salt were like a scent from the ocean, clashing against the sands. His musky sandalwood scent brought forth vivid images of when he was protective towards me a few minutes ago. His eyes were much darker to me now. His pupils dilated as his lips were dry, making him run his tongue over them. The entire situation at hand made it seem like to me that he was going to kiss me.

“A lady should never open her door.” He spoke with a smirk. A smirk on his face because of the look on my face. 

Fuck his a tease. I bet he knew what I was thinking.

“For a second there I thought I might have to punch you,” I said with a smirk on my face and a surprised look on his, “because it’s rude to taste something that doesn’t belong to you.” I spoke as I stepped out of the car.

He was still in the car, staring at my back. Walking to the front of the car I turned my head to look at him. My hair that was now open covered my shoulders to provide a bit of warmth. The hair that framed the front of my face was blowing back softly in the small whispers of wind. I made eye contact with Spencer. He was staring back at me with a smile on his face. I nodded towards the building as if to say let's go inside and he got the hint as he began to step out the car.

“It’s also rude to keep a lady waiting in the cold,” I quipped back at him to make him flush red, but instead he just turned around to me as he opened the door to go inside the less cold building of our apartments.

“Good thing all I saw were pinus taeda,” He spoke as we walked towards the elevator.

“I never knew pinus taeda could be such a tease,” I said with a sly grin on my face as I stepped inside the open elevator door.

“It takes one pinus taeda to know another pinus taeda,” The tall man spoke back, teasing back with a sly grin on his face that matches mine. We held each other's gaze as the elevator door closed. The intensity of our gaze mixed in with the adrenaline and serotonin rushing through our body led into another laughter fest at the ding of the elevator closing. 

“I’m glad we are getting to know each other,” sincerely the words left Spencer's mouth as he looked at me.

A lot of men have looked at me, but none could have the intensity that shadows over the orbs that belong to the doctor who towers over me so easily. His stare had left me breathless so many times over the past few hours that the entire encounter felt surreal. It felt fabricated as if it was too good to be true.

“Me too,” I replied back to him as I stared back at him, “I feel better knowing that if anyone breaks into my apartment there’ll be a Glock and a FBI agent available right next to me.” I joked at him.

“Actually, I own a SIG P239. It’s a semiautomatic pistol that has better accuracy when I am unable to factor in wind vector,” He spoke casually as we stepped off the elevator and made up the hallway towards our doors to our apartment, “Not to mention, concealment is easy.”

“Interesting,” I said as I listened to his words but my mind thought about something else.

His body was naked above his waist.

His muscles shone in the reflection of the light from some unknown source.

I wore something that made his skin stick to mine like honey against honey. Sitting in his lap. Grinding on his hard cock in between my thighs.

His skin, so slick with sweat that it coated him like a lubricant. Allowing the nozzle of the black gun to travel from his shoulder blade to his throat.

His hands aren’t tied but he feels so helpless under me. Yet his mouth was moving, like he was in control.

The lewd words that left his pink lips married perfectly amongst the sinful praises he said to me. 

“And that’s how I realized that the safety lock on that Glock 22 was not really reliable.” Spencer ended as he stopped in front of my door.

“Huh, that’s a very unique story," I said not truly knowing what else to say as I paid no mind to his words. Just the fantasy that I had burned into my memory with hope that it would become true.

“I know when people pretend to listen to me,” He said as I opened the door to my apartment. Making me halt midstep of me entering the confines of my home. He was hurt as he looked at me and spoke his truth.

“I Am truly sorry for doing that, but in all honesty I was listening to you,” I said to him, pausing to take the bag of groceries from his hand before continuing with my words and my voyage inside the house, “ but I was also thinking of something else,” I said truthfully.

“Thinking of something else whilst staring at my lips?” He said with a tone that I knew he had a smirk on his face without looking at him.

“Would you like to know what I was thinking about, Doctor?” I spoke in a breathless manner as I turned to face him. He was still standing by the door, with one hand in his pants pockets and the other carrying my grocery just by his side.

My words made his eyebrows twitch a bit as his eyes focused on my body, trying to read what I was insinuating.

“I was thinking, how could a dashing young man like Dr. Spencer Reid, who has a woman like Dr. Maeve, not see what I saw,” I said as I dropped my grocery bag on my kitchen counter and sauntered back at him. I knew my smirk, my attitude, and the double meaning intention behind my words were catching him in my own net.

“Would you like to know what I saw Dr. Reid?” I questioned him as I made my way to him at the door. Standing so close in front of him. His eyes were blown with dilated pupils. His breath was caught in his throat. The anxiety from this situation was clearly getting to the man in front of me. I paused as I studied him. Watching his feet twitch a bit, his lips quiver slightly, and his breathing becoming subtly erratic. He was squirming in front of me, and he was trying his best to hide it.

Hide that in this moment I was in control. I wondered if he knew I could see through his little facade and knew what he knew.

I stared at him, waiting for him to break the ice that I layed and created between us. The awkward atmosphere that was making him fidget. I wanted to see how he’d reign control or even if he could.

“And what did you see, Doctor?” He questioned back in a voice low enough to be deep. A new tone of his words that should have been foreign to my ears but were instead familiar.

Looking up at him whilst biting my lips to stop myself from spilling a huge grin at my own “joke”, I stepped a bit closer to him. I got on my tip toys and leaned towards his shoulder. Making sure our bodies were not touching but close enough for it to be uncomfortable. 

“Brassica Oleracea,” I said sweetly in a whispered tone. Making sure my breath hit his ears delicately to leave behind goosebumps. Stepping away from him, I observed the confused look he had on his face. It reminded me of someone thinking they knew the truth only for it to be known later to them a lie.

“Broccoli?” he questioned me as his eyes squinted, his mouth opened slightly, and his head tilted slightly towards the side. He stepped further inside my apartment as he closed the door behind him.

“Yea it was stuck in your teeth and before I could point it out you had already gotten to it,” I said casually as I motioned to my own teeth before turning my back to him as I walked to my kitchen area passing my couch and T.V. 

I collected my loose open hair in a bundle with my own heads. Touching the threads of cold that was an extension of me, as I pulled my hair to the right side of my body. Baring my naked shoulder at the unsuspecting eyes of Dr. Spencer Reid.

“Did my answer really catch a profiler off guard?” I teased back the confused looking Doctor. 

“Truthfully, yea a little bit,” He said with a serious tone. My mischievous smile that was on my faltered as I turned my entire body to face him as I slowly made my way to his figure by the couch. I began to fear that maybe I crossed a boundary or pushed him to a limit.

“It’s just when I first saw you, I didn’t expect you to,” he paused his words as he took a deep breath and sat on the couch. His eyes avoided mine as he fidgeted with his hands. He swallowed deeply, his Adam's apple bobbing painfully.

He became quiet as he fidgeted a bit. It had been a minute passed and he hadn’t said anything. I refused to move in fear of scaring him or making the present situation worse. Another minute passed, and so did another. At this point my skin was crawling with small ant-like jitters. My throat felt dry and my head felt slightly dizzy from standing straight up, as stiff as a board, for as long as I had.

“...didn’t expect me to?” I asked so softly that my own words were deaf to my ears.

“I didn't expect,” he said as he breathed out. His chest exaggerated from such a deep exhalation of air. His face fell on his hands that were placed on his thighs to keep his head up.

“Spencer,” I whimpered out his name. It was meant to come out a small whisper but the anxiety pounding through my body scared me to whimper out his name.

As his name leaves my lips he takes in a sharp inhalation of breath.

“...for you to be so much into Lord of The Ring. I mean the classical version is one thing but actually having a physical disk copy of the extended versions seems a bit too nerdy for someone like Dr. Y/N Monterey.” Smuggly Spoke Spencer. 

He relished in the beads of sweat that made itself down my forehead, my wide eyes in anticipation, and my fidgety fingers fidgeting on my laps.

“That's big talk from someone who likes to sing along to despacito in broken Spanish,” I retorted back. 

“YOU HEARD THAT!!??” screeched the now tall and red flushed man in front of me.

“Thin walls, Dr. Spencer,” I spoke as I made my way to the wall behind my T.V and Lord of the Rings collection, “Thin walls”, I concluded.

“It seems like we have materials that would destroy both of our reputation,” He joked. He clearly knew neither me or him cared for what others thought but to pretend we did was a bit exhilarating. The idea that a dirty secret could ruin us made me realize how much I would love for a dirty secret to be between us. 

“Then let's keep it a secret,” I whispered as I imagined the only secret we would keep between us is how we taste.

“Anyways, I’m gonna go turn in the paperwork for the accident,” He said as a goodbye as he turned around to walk out.

“WAIT!” I said suddenly as I grabbed his hands. His soft but hard hands was warm and huge in comparison to mine.

“Sorry, sorry,” I said breathlessly as I remembered he had a thing against hands touching his. I quickly grabbed the bottle of sanitizer from my T.V and offered him some. He looked at me with a quirked eyebrow and stared between me and the sanitizer. 

“I’m fine, why’d you stop me?” He said in the same breath.

“Paperwork for what accident?” I asked him softly. The mere thought of being involved with the police just brought back a form of phobia that I had always hid. Many times I believed that I am a good citizen because of the anxiety I would feel being close to blue uniformed humans. If I was a normal human being with no trauma associated with the police, I would have been a stone cold criminal by now. Or at least I choose to believe so.

“Don’t worry, I'll handle everything so that legally all you’ll need to provide is a signature.” He said comfortingly. His eyes were starting to become my own fascination. They held emotions so foreign yet so familiar that the only way to describe what it made me feel was captivated. 

“Please don’t be so kind to me Doctor Reid,” I whispered as I looked up at him, “it makes it harder for me to expose your slow little secret.” I joked at him. Hating the seriousness created from the first sentence I uttered. 

He just smiled at my words and walked out the door as I followed behind him. As he stood outside his door, he paused a moment before entering his own abode. 

“Be safe,” He spoke kindly before he stepped in. I Just closed my door and pondered. 

I felt content but I also felt deeply confused. I have had crushes in highschool and their basis was the same as it is now. I would see someone and something about them would attract me. I remember Ryan Reigns from 8th grade was kinda like my first crush. I had barely spoken to him but I had a crush on throughout 8th till 12th grade. What attracted me to him was that he was always quiet. It made me wonder a lot about him, and soon he became my crush.

With Spencer I am attracted to his physical being because that is what I have observed the most in the past hours. His tall towering height, his moss colored iris, his curly hair, his stubble cheeks, and his arms. Oh lord does his arm make me want to be entrapped within them as I could feel him behind. But the way we joked in the car, the way he protected me in the grocery store, the way he could mimic my psychological jokes. It made me harder not to be entranced by his being.

Was it wrong? Yes, he had a girlfriend who it looks like is someday going to be his wife. And here I am, fantasizing about him. I want to say that this will start as a silly crush and end as one, but the truth is I fear that it will end in a heartbreak.

A/N: Yo so like if this is tmi but a cornhub audio artist named RedBOxVO came out with the most cutest and fluffiest but also dirty dirty audio, and I am planning on writing a scene inspired from that audio.

Another note is that a bunch of like bot scam woman who have pics in their lingerie are becoming my followers so shoutout to the humans who follow me. I appreciate your interest in my work!

Also college started for me and its making me a clown at how much I am juggling.

Taglist:

@hopelessromantichopefulthinking @lovemesickly @liidiaaag @kodakmack @strangerintheblur @fairydresses @ohnojessicaa @ohnojessica @savi-02 @chaoticevilbakugo @winkev1 @fx666x @fall-myriad @volatile-violet @yourfavoritefangirl @hellooitsrose @ilovereid21

[mangoposts]

OKAY im finally alone so TW for anyone reading this, i will be mentioning rape & knives/scars.

i'll try to make this short but the summer before i went into 10th grade, i had hung out w this guy and i really did just wanna hang out and go for a drive, but he thought i wanted to hook up. i definitely did not because i was a virgin and never done anything with a guy at all. he was a senior and a lot bigger than me and forced me into having sex w him, i kept saying no and stop and take me home but he just kept getting angrier and eventually held a knife to my like pubic bone? pelvis? just down there idk. so i caved. i hated every second and cried but i stopped fighting. i haven't had sex since then, im 20 years old now and i haven't even been fingered by a guy, never given or received head, and never given a handjob. and im honestly really embarrassed about it and wanna have sex with someone SO BADLY but im scared.

the main reason i'm scared isn't because i'm scared i'll be forced into it again, although that is absolutely in the back of my mind. i'm completely fine now and over the situation, but it does worry me that i could get overwhelmed and the guy im with wouldn't wanna stop. but my bigger fear which im 100x more embarrassed of, is what a guy is gonna think when he sees my pussy. now hear me out bc i know that sounds weird😭 but all throughout high school i always heard guys make comments about how ugly this girls pussy is or how gross this girls is and it terrified me. but now i'm even more scared because of what that guy did to me, he literally cut into my skin and left scars. what is a guy gonna think when he sees that? how am i supposed to explain all this? i just i have a lot of questions and concerns but i'm a fucking 20 year old "virgin" if i can even call myself that, i've technically had sex but i didn't want it so idk if i even count that as a body. i just have been panicking over this for forever and have no idea what to do, if you have any advice at all i'd really appreciate it so so much

- 🌙

Oh baby :-(. Im so sorry this happened to you. You were really young and you didn’t deserve that whatsoever, if you can feel it im giving you a hug thru the phone. Im so so so sorry and i hope that man is dead in a ditch somewhere 🤍

On the other hand, i promise you you have nothing to worry about at all. Im telling you rn and i know it sounds so corny and lame and everybody always says this but its true, the right person is not going to judge you for anything and im so Fr when i say that. Trust when i was in high school guys would say all kinda stupid shit like that about girls in the school and it never bothered me because i knew there was at least one person out there who wouldn’t care about anything other people would talk shit about, and i was right 🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s so many people out there who would find u beautiful the way u are and just because some guys in the past thought in that immature goofy ass way doesn’t mean every guy will you know what i mean?

Babe, my only advice for you is to stay the way you are, hang out w ur frennies and the right person is gon come trust. It’ll come when you aren’t looking for it or worrying about it, when you least expect it to be honest. What you went through was horrible and it might be the worlds way of saying you gotta give yourself time before exploring that area of your life yanno. There’s NOTHINGGG wrong with being a virgin at any age let alone 20. You’re still young and you have ur whole life ahead of you. Don’t worry about this, when it happens it’s gonna be fine you’ll see it

Thank you so much for trusting me to be vulnerable with, im sorry if im treating you too delicately im just speaking thru the soul rn 😭 And again im sorry this happened to you. Even if i dont know u i love u a lot and im proud of you for moving past the situation despite how hard it might’ve been

Also im sorry for taking awhile to get back to you, i just scrolled through my inbox and finally found this

[mariisauruslove]

Dear Ahmad,

Its taken me a long time to decide whether I should respond to anything you’ve said. In truth, i know my silence was louder and that’s why I didnt say anything. At first, however, i thought that night that i should just give it time. Then literally the next morning, less than 12 hrs from when it happened, you decide to cut me off? Because what? You’re overstimulated? You’re stressed? I didn’t even get enough time to process what happened. You cant force anyone to work on your schedule. Then you message again asking if we’re ever going to talk about it like you didnt just end the friendship? Like i was nothing? Just completely hurt me again and again. And you’re right, there is some responsibility of my own to that, and that is to stop letting you treat me this way. It’s not okay. You constantly treat me so ugly when ive done nothing but love you authentically and purely. I’m not your scapegoat. You dont just lash out on me to feel better. Being your friend doesnt give you a pass to treat me like shit. And instead of apologizing, change your behavior because it’s happened multiple times. Oh and my apologies that apparently mean less because i do it so often? It’s because you’re unpredictable and you lash out at me. The apologies happen because I’m trying to not step on your toes and upset you. And it only happens with you. Because I don’t feel safe with you. Its why i couldn’t climax with you. My body doesn’t feel safe.

I loved you so fucking much for you to break me this way. I don’t understand why. Like honestly why. The first night i was next to you, you were upset I wasn’t kissing you with passion. And how tf are you going to tell me that you were feeling something with me and then youre over there in love with her? Make it make sense. You never felt anything. Just lust. You didn’t care about me or how i felt. All i did for you genuinely out of love, it was to your benefit and my expense.

I hope you hear the loudness of the void where my presence used to be. And i hope you consume yourself in it and reflect that you fucked up deeply because you lost the best damn thing that happened to you. A love that cuts deeper than a knife, it was too good to be true. I am disgusted that I let someone like you touch me this way. You’re narcissistic, manipulative and a liar. You said i wasnt in your cycle and its all bullshit, because i wasnt the only girl you reeled in, fucked and then tried to be friends with like nothing happened. You keep these women around for your convenience and congratulations, because it’s so fucking believable that you care. Looking at me, kissing me, touching me the way you did. I really believed you loved me in some way. But how fucking stupid do you think i am? You lost me. But its okay because you didnt truly care about me, you cared what I provided for you, which was a safe space for you. And you took advantage of that by thinking it was okay to lash out at me, even when it wasnt i who you were mad at. Oh and the fun part? When i actually had problems? Its was nice to hear you just throw it back in my face. I truly appreciate it.

I knew you deeper than you knew yourself and i knew you were afraid of me because youve never experienced someone like me. Your eyes cant lie. I see through you. And that’s what scares you. You didn’t know the impact i was making on you until it was taken right under you. You took me for granted, thought I was going to be there for you at your beck and call. No, sir. I’m much more clever than that. And im worth so much more than that.

Youve taken enough of me. Youve hurt me enough and because of it all, you lost me. And i will be the one that got away. And youll try to get over me, ask yourself who tf I am. And that’s when youll realize I am the woman who loved you more than anyone else. It must be really embarrassing to be you right now. I can only imagine how stupid you feel. But that sounds like a YOU problem. I hope you heal from your bullshit and not rationalize your actions. Bon journée, mon chéri.

[hella1975]

hi okay so, this is a piece of shitty poetry i wrote just now after thinking about your protrayal of zuko (again) and wanted to share bc im a dumb bitch who craves validation and needs to know what you think of this. and if i put a little too much of myself into it in the process, and it became more about my weird relationship with being trans than zuko, it's irrelevant, dont ask questions! it was about zuko initially and i still think it can kinda be applied to him so thats all that matters!! pls forgive the lack of capitalisation, its turned off on my phone and im too lazy to change it :,)

(you dont have to read the next part but if u finish the poem and think it sucks it will explain why lmfao)

BUT FIRST, i need to clarify that ive never written poetry in my life, i know nothing about writing, and my punctuation is definitely all over the place. this whole thing for sure sucks but i have an excuse!! a flimsy one, sure, but still an excuse! im 16 and dont remember ever actually learning gow to write, or all about punctuation or any of that jazz. this is more of a stream of consciousness than a poem. and its just a rough draft so, very unfinished too!! so if u really dont like it that will explain why. basically the point of this whole paragraph is just to tell you that im dumb but im also terrified so please be nice to me bc i will cry and that is a threat! (if im starting to sound hysterical and like im spiralling its bc i am okay pls ignore it)

okay so enough excuses, here she is:

this deep, harsh, incessant feeling of shame harbouring in the bottom of my gut is to me, what roots are to a tree,

solid, strong, and stable,

intertwined with my bones and rooted within my very being.

it feeds me and mother me, swaddling me like an infant and rocking me to sleep from within its familiar, welcoming grasp.

I need it for survival, so integral in my very existence that ripping us apart would destroy all thats left within me.

But yet, we are so very unlike that beautiful symbiosis that the root and plant achieve,

that sweet, simple promise, void of all evil, so pure and light that it, He speaks vengefully about it, spitting sour words into my face and whispering harsh lies into my ears.

Our promise is not so gentle. it solely benefits Him, throwing all of me into the dirt and replacing him with a new unidentifiable creature, borne of self hatred and a need to become something, anything else. a dire need to detach myself from everything ive ever been and anything i could possibly become.

He is a parasite, a horrible looming creature, a cruel beast, making me cower in fear within my own, wretched body. He is cruel, intent on toppling the civilisation i spent so long building, the kingdom of my ego, my heart, my emotion; while i sit, and i watch, and i do nothing.

i may need Him to push the breathe from my lungs and carry the blood through my veins, but, He does not need me. He will never need me. im merely another of his children, an effortlessly replaceable thing. a shameful, ugly creature that He does not care for. that He does love. that He does not need. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me.

anonstie i absolutely adored this you cant write something with the theme of shame written with visceral nature imagery and expect me not to go stupid crazy. the way it starts so structured and delicate just to end with that hysterical repetition like it's all falling apart and i LOVE your wording of things, like 'our promise is not so gentle' is such a sick line. im obsessed with this tysm for sending it me!

[the-chronicles-of-a-bookworm]

hi Hannah!! I'm slightly late but 🤷‍♀️

(for the nosy ask thing)

13, 14, 15, 16, 18 (only if you're comfy tho), 19, 20, 21, 22, 25, 26, 28, 44

(I'm a super nosy person so)

I noticed your nosiness last time I had a last game! My hands were so tired after typing 😭 im not complaining tho THIS IS SO FUNN

13: biggest turn ons Nice hands. A professional speaking voice. Perfect grammar. Someone who doesn't curse, whispering some curse word under their breath. Like "fuck" really quietly that almost no one would hear. Someone who can genuinely make me laugh. Stupid, witty banter (like percy and annabeth before and after they started dating). A nice smile. WOAH WOAH WOAH STOP HANNAH STOP

14: Biggest turn offs Inflated ego. Insulting people for just existing (like james did to snape) Dishonesty. LITTERING. Being rude. LITTERING. Being really shabby or unhygienic. Someone who makes a mess when eating. Someone who doesn't use cutlery in the appropriate situations (i mean, im indian. we practically invented eating with our hands, but I use cutlery when its appropriate okay? I don't attack my rice of something with my hands in formal situations.) Did I mention littering?

15: Favorite Movie (answered here) but I also want a malayalam movie "Ennum Ninde Moideen" ITS SO GOOD

16: I'll love you if... (tbh I already love you <3) BUT YOU SHOULD READ PERCY JACKSON IF YOU ALREADY HAVEN'T (idk if this counts as an answer tho *sobs*)

JUST A WARNING: THE FOLLOWING QUESTION HAS TRIGERRING STUFF LIKE RAPE, FAMILY STUFF, AND SHITTY FAMILY MEMBERS, SO DONT READ IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE This is the first time I've ever talked about this to anyone. I don't ever talk about stuff like this, but I think it's time I open up a little.

18: Traumatic Experience When I was 12, I noticed that my grandfather was being a little too touchy. Whenever he got the chance, he would find a way to touch me and make me uncomfortable. I thought this was normal for grandparents to do. I'd known him my whole life. I trusted him, loved him, told him everything. Until he started calling me into his bedroom. Started telling me to undress myself. Started telling me let him "check" my privates to see if there is any problem. For a while, I let him. I let him touch me. Why would he do anything to harm me? I always thought. It got a little too much. Too much that I started screaming for help. I thought, somebody, anybody would help me. Because I knew a grandparent wouldn't do this. I knew this was wrong. And once it all settled, and my parents sorted it out. I was guilty. I blamed myself. I kept thinking "How many time has your mother told you about people touching you. How many times?". And as I was sitting there, I could hear my mother literally wailing. She was screaming. My father and uncle knew about this as well. I had never seen them this angry before. The worst part? We could do fucking nothing. My grandfather was the only reason we could stay in our apartment. It was a hard time and we were struggling with money. My grandmother was facing depression. Her mental state so bad, that I knew she couldn't know about this. My grandfather got away, scotch free. Every time I see him, I think about telling my grandmother. The man she fusses over everyday is not who she thinks he is. But I couldn't. My aunt went into denial. She kept saying that her father wouldn't do such a thing. No one else knew. Whenever I see him, I go into a state where I feel ants all over my body. It goes after a while, but it always stays. (It's a lot to consume. But it felt good to let it all out)

19: A fact about your personality I can get angry easily, and once you've done that I can get so damn scary. My aunt told me that, after she saw me and my brother fight with eachother once, when he broke my laptop.

20: What I hate most about myself I'm ugly.

21: What I love about myself I'm actually pretty smart. It may sound really egoistical, hence why I don't like answering this question, but I know I'm smart. That's why I keep trying to achieve more, you know?

22: What I want to be when I grow older? Oncologist or gynecologist surgeon. Once I retire from actually working in the medical field, I'll be a professor for a medical school.

25: My idea of a perfect date Something at home. Maybe napping a little, eating takeout, watching a movie, listening to music. If we're going out, I want to go to some amusement park. or some 24/7 grocery store. Or McDonalds.

26: Biggest pet peeves Someone chewing with their mouth open. Scraping your plate WITH A METAL FORK. PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP. Chewing gum loudly. Not covering their coughs and sneezes. "You act so gayyy" UGH SO ANNOYING I KNOW I ACT GAY OKAY?

28: A description of the people I hate most

44: A random fact DID YOU KNOW THAT A PIG CANNOT PHYSICALLY LOOK UP TO SEE THE SKY? DID YOU KNOW A SHRIMP'S HEART IS IN ITS HEAD? DID YOU KNOW SOME PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY REALLY STUPID SOMETIMES?

[hababa]

have been wrangling with anxiety and uncertainty and self-rejection around top surgery for the last few months but feel like i'm digesting these fears day by day and getting a bit more clear-headed about my decision. long elaboration to no one under the cut

im like 70% certain that i'm going to go through with double incision that i have scheduled for february 2024. sometimes i feel like i should wait a bit longer until i can afford or access non-flat/inverted T anchor/radical reduction (not worried about preserving nipple sensation but don't want to be unproportionately flat to my tummy and hips. god im so jealous of cis men and their stupid sexy little man boobs. i want just a liiiiiiittle fat left there, just enough to still look male). my surgeon said he would leave a little bit of tissue there but his other results i've seen online seem to be really flat, like prepubescent cis boy levels of flat, and i dont think that will match my body well cause i'm not skinny. there doesnt really seem to be a lot of surgeons that can do non-flat top surgery for NB folk around the UK/europe and i dont want to wait three or four more years before i can afford it in america or access it with nthanos, the idea of having boobs like this another few years sounds like hell. especially considering i would be giving up the option to have DI in the next few months (i anticipate if i cancel i will feel very depressed afterwards), and especially the more my body masculinises on testo. im also worried about my breasts growing bigger than i want which they might do w methods that preserve the nipple stalk - they won't with DI. compared to the pre-op chests i've seen of people who got inverted T, my boobs are really big and saggy so i also worry that if i do get to that point where I can access inverted T they won't be able to operate on my big fat fucking boobies lol. my nipples are super low down so idk if they'll even be able to preserve the stalks and achieve a masculine chest. idk idk.

i'm able to name now that i'm reckoning with a fear of losing control. i can't control the chest that my surgeon will construct while i'm under anaesthesia. i can't control how my body will look post-op (though i can imagine and suggest to him what I want), can't control if i'll like my new figure (though i can estimate that my self-image will improve overall? it'll be a huge adjustment...). i can't control if 10 years down the line i will have regretted transitioning (and my inner transphobe has a lot to say about that..) . it feels really frightening at times. the way i see myself and others see me is going to change permanently. i worry of my dysphoria travelling south to my hips and bum once the attention is away from my boobs. my fear speaks with the tongue of a facist and tells me that my body is going to look weird and ugly. and when i'm tired and i havent taken deep breathes for a while, it just goes on and on and on and on like that...

i think strangely i'm still a little in denial about being trans. i've been having trans feelings and gender dysphoria since i was like 16 (8 years wtf!!!) and even though it ebbs and flows - some days i can leave the house braless in a t shirt and ignore the dysphoria, some days i can't even look at my chest without wanting to rip them right off me - it's always there. denying it or feeling it deeply, i am having a very trans experience of life rn. i only started tangibly transitioning a few months ago this year w starting testo, changing my name and coming out. i've spent so much time denying and suppressing my transness because i was afraid about what other people thought of me. makes sense to me that i have internalised that ignorant, judgemental voice. it served to protect me for a long time, to tell myself "don't bother, you'll be a freak, you're not trans youre traumatised / mentally ill, you're throwing your life away, people will judge you, you will not be safe."

if i take a moment to distract myself, not think about it, relax, then come back to it, contextualise it, and ground these worries back down to reality, i feel more certain in wanting top surgery. i wore a binder for the first time in a while today (i can't bind very often because of neck/shoulder/back pain - a motive in itself for surgery) and was reminded that i really like how my figure looks flat, and that i can't get flat enough from binding. i tried living as a masculine woman for a long time and it felt like part of me was withering away in secret. though i can't really picture what i'll look like in the future (an... androgynous, dykeish, effeminate man? lol), the idea that these boobs will stay on my body until the day i die does feel unreal to me, makes me feel sad and frantic like i've got to get out of my body. once i get top surgery i think i'll be able to experiment with my style more because i won't have to exclusively wear dark colours to hide the shape of my chest. i'll be able to work out with more ease. my back pain and posture will improve. i wont have to be in this constant compromise between wanting to feel masc/good but having to deal with my huge boobies. i'll hope i'll feel more confident in my masculinity. i won't have to wear uncomfortable shit on my chest once i'm healed up. i think it'll take me some time to adjust to my new silhouette and i think i will feel a bit dysmorphic about the shape of my body BUT. i have spent a lot of time looking at other trans men/mascs top surgery results and i don't judge them nearly as hard as i judge myself - it gives me hope that i can become okay with looking trans. i like seeing the effect T has on me (minus the acne and the hair thinning lol), and often i'm attracted to other trans people FOR their transness. ultimately it helps me best to ask myself what i want, and right now I want to learn how to stop comparing myself to cis people and put more attention into celebrating trans bodies in all their delightful wonkiness. i have hope i can get to a neutral point with my body rather than scrutinising myself for not looking cis.

[blackvail22]

the day i lose 150lbs i will rule the world fr

ill b too powerful

(this sounds so like degrading but im being so honest. ppl wont view me as pretty as a fat person! maybe ill b prettier when im skinny butyeah)

even if i achieve the 140lbs mark i still wont be as thin as society would want me 2 b but idc thats what i want to be and i will achieve it

the motivation that i can get there is the fact that my doctor told me that because my sinuses and my tonsils r so problematic that it was preventing me from having a deeper sleep aka not being able to burn calories and it actually makes me gain weight

getting my tonsils removed will be actual hell but all well. its for the skinny life ig!!!!

im genuinely so tired of being in my body because i always think of myself prettier than i really am for some readson and then when i look in the mirror im so much uglier than i imagined LMAo i think thats why my self esteem is so low... i just forget what i look like sometimes and then im not what i romanticized myself to be

lmao i do that with my life too..

idk

lmao

im like wanting to be one of the people that have a glow up after high school and ppl always wish they never bullied

idk i

really want to forget about school but i really dont know.

i mean im not *that* bad butthere are so many different things that i would want to "fix" besides my body proportions

skin redness

a face not as round

maybe a tiny bit thinner nose (my nose as gotten bigger as i gained weight so i think this is fixable)

idk i didnt think much about it at the moment but after we went over my ct scan with my doctor he left the officcve to get me to another room to whatever whatever but the scans were left up and my sister like made fun of the way my face was constructed?? idk she was like "why is your nose crooked? can i use this as proof that your head is moosh? LMAO evven your eyes r farther back"

i know she didnt mean harm but its starting to affect me now. its like conformation that im the ugly sister and its so much to have to like..... process? because she even said that i looked like my mom. and i knew that, but acting like her and looking like her is something i want to distance myself from. i want to distance myself form the fact that i can be my own person and not my parents. i want to be able to acknowledge that i came from them and they gave me life, but idk... its hard for me to do that for some reason? like whenever i think "they gave me life" another thought passes by and says "i didnt want this life"

i dont mean that in a suicidal way, but its just... idk. i genuinely feel like complaining about how hard life is atp is literally so fuckign stupid because there are ways to make it better and things i can do to make it not as bad... like there are a lot of things i complain about that i could fix (e.g. my weight, wanting to do more things than the same thing every day, etc.)

idk.

this is a long ass rant, and i dont even think you read them anymore. if you do, i hope youre doing well. im sorry for how much i complain. i am a really negative person deep down, even though i try my best to be positive.

[gmuffinhead]

what really gets to me on such a deep level is the way men react to periods.

"you're overrating" "its not that bad" "i doubt it hurts that much" "you're just using it as an excuse"

how do you sit down and think, yeah all women collectively are lying about this very real, very painful and very natural thing.

i hate it when people speak about experiences they don't and will never fucking understand and then act as if they know everything. Like at least do some research, and if you did you wouldn't be brainless enough to go telling women that they are lying or dramatic.

When I was in high school, the amount of male teachers called me (and friends of mine) a liar and told me I'm just trying to find excuses to miss class, when all i asked was the go to the bathroom because i was on my period. fucking stupid. or refused to let me (or friends) go to the bathroom because our periods werent "emergencies" and could wait. oh how i wanted to punch so many of my teachers and really give them the experience of bleeding out in class with a fear that others will see, knowing you cant stand up or move and if you did you might leak or worse. how i wish everyman that talks crap about periods get to experience the cramps and headaches and overwhelming feelings to k*ll yourself, lying in bed late at night or sitting on the cold bathroom floor crying wishing that you had a different body. how i just wish they got to experience the overwhelming dread when you're at school and realise you've stained your skirt or pants. i just wish i could give assholes my period for them to suffer with.

another kicker is older men, like fathers, grandfathers, uncles or EVEN FEMALE FAMILY MEMBERS, teaching young children that periods are a hush topic, that you shouldn't say it outloud or in public, that its taboo to talk about or its a secretive thing. its nit, it never should have to be a secret that woman go through it. its natural, we shouldn't have to fucking hide it from family just because they think its 'gross.'

fuck you, ill fucking show you gross you fucking cowardly old man.

my sister, my 13 year old sister, now thinks that periods are gross and shouldn't be spoken about because our step father refuses to acknowledge it and makes ugly faces and sounds when we bring it up. "ew to much information!" "gross, keep it to yourself" "im eating!" keep up that attitude and ill fucking have my period in your food bitch. my sister, when talking to me or my mum in reference to her period will say "its my lady days" "its red week" "im on my lady thing" theres no need for the fucking censorship, its natural and especially around family or others who experience periods, it shouldn't be censored.

its so sad to see. its so sad that when at my high school office, they hand out pads in envelopes (which i think is WAY more obvious) because they think its embarrassing, teaching the girls and boys a like that periods are embarrassing when they arent. little girls are taught their periods are gross, embarrassing, something to censor, when its completely normal and natural.

i just hate the way people who experience periods are sometimes treated by (mostly but of course not all or just) middle aged men.

and of course when i say woman, i dont just mean woman.

trans men, non-binary individuals and many other genders can menstruate as well. but im generalising, using the most common example. of course its not just men that do or say things like this, many women and other genders say similar things, but it's mostly men.

im just really upset and in the feels right now and thats okay. its okay to have periods, its okay to be angry and upset at the world and its okay to yell at men who think they know better.

when a teacher refuses you the bathroom, (for many reasons, not just because of your period) its okay to leave and go anyway. or piss on the floor, it teaches a lesson, but probably wont sit well with the cleaners </3

when someone tells you you're overdramatic or overreacting, show them what overdramatic and overreacting is, make it worse and make it their problem.

when someone calls you a liar, kick them or something, i dont really have a reasonable comeback for this one, but violence might be the answer if they keep up their stupidity.

when someone trys to censor you, fight back harder, make it impossible to censor you.

its okay to stand up for yourself.

im actually like so angry and upset and mad and i need more words to describe what i am feeling, but overwhelmed and an intense passion to want to punch every man i see is a good enough description for now.

[eungii]

• ¡ 𝗕𝗢𝗬 𝗜 𝗞𝗡𝗢𝗪 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗚𝗢𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗙𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗦 !!.

sʏɴᴏᴘsɪs: cute moment with tr boys <3 // 00.1

ғᴛ: sanzu and rindou.

ᴛᴡ: FEM! reader || fluff || curse words || SANZU;; crack and fluff ||

ɴᴏᴛᴇ: yeah, sanzu and rindou's are the same but also different? im trying to change some things in my blog because it look so disgusting and ugly, plus say hi to shinji.

01. join taglist // 02. general masterlist // 03. tr masterlist

꒰ HARUCHIYO "SANZU" AKASHI ꒱

"I'm so fucking tired of you" Koko's words where enough to make Sanzu turn around. His face was just enough to make Koko more annoyed.

"You and that girl, the way you talked about her, and how she look at you IS OBVIOUS!" He was tired of seeing his coworker daydream about the not so mysterious girl plus the jealous knowing that the pink haired guy could die non virgin.

"Sorry lizard guy" the nickname came out of his lips, making a funny face " I can't let her know that a big criminal and drug addict is wrapped around her finger, plus is funny to be a pain in the ass to you and Rindou"

"You asshole-"

"you AsShole-" sanzu said mocking Koko's accent and then sitting next to the other male, now all serious "You know I can't do it sobber, and she hates when I'm all high" and with that he ended getting out of the room. Making Koko start thinking and when an idea got in his head, he pull his phone.

-

Sanzu's phone start to ring, and with a disgusting face he answer it.

A dry "what" was out his lips continue by a laugh and following a "wow, you sound sober" Rindou's voice could be hear "fuck off, what so you want"

-

"Ok so, Rindou is distracting Sanzu, meanwhile you and me pit this peace of paper?" Ran ridiculously ask "Boten is known by having a lot of money and you want us to show...this? " his disgust expression was enough to start annoying Koko "I know and it is a poster you dumb, but I found this on Sanzu's room and its real his vibe"

"Ok, here she comes... One, two... THREE!" Koko shouts just so Rindou hear it too. And then the big poster came down, with a blushed sanzu, a nervous Koko, a kinda proud ran and a irritated rindou.

"I-I, ok it's not what you- " the pink haired man try to avoid your eyes "T-That is not my letter, so definitely not m-me hehe.."

"Hey! Koko I found this next to that ugly thing!" The older Haitani screamed and the unfold the next white poster with a 'made by sanzu'. "Oh, it could be any Sanzu" and the next part unfold 'Akashi'

"Ouh.."

꒰ RINDOU HAITANI ꒱

His tsundere ass can't stop looking at you like the best diamond, but also can't tell you that. Somehow he loves when you text him, how your messages end with a '<3', how you send him stupid cat faces in the middles of a meating , yeah he loves it, but can't show you that size of him.

But one day before his bed time, your message make him go pale.

"Rindou, I am marry with you"

I mean, it is kinda funny how you change some words, but try to make the same meaning, he thought, so why dont he respond the besy way he can?

"<3"

And as your calm body was already asleep, the only you have is he's probably already sleeping so calmly.

Meanwhile a wild Rindou enter to his brother room with a happy "RAAAAAN!", making his brother fall from his bed. A sleepy "what" fell from his pink tired lips

"She wants to marry me" Rindou whisper, but ran didnt hear anything "what-?"

"she wants to marry me" "eh?"

"SHE WANTS TO MARRY ME YOU DUMB SHIT FACE"

-

After that small brothers fight, both haitani's sat on the sofa, an older brother proud that he could be uncle, and a younger brother that was dying inside from how cute it was but "wait- she technically ask you to marry her, so that's not so manly of your part" Ah yes, the big brother always screwing up. "shut up— i'm gonna to make her the best gift ever"

-

Why does this always happen to him? When everything was ready, why?

"Yeah and im sorry Rin, that was my little sister so that's why the message was a little messed up" shit— he though "Pff, I didnt even notice it you loser..." While his mouth was done speaking, faster that he thought, he start calling Ran

"Yeah, what's up?" "Abort mission, abort mission" "Um.. To late"

What—

The sound of fireworks just stopped his mind, and before you could turn around his hands were squishing your cheeks "Do not turn, i mean just look forward to the future— there is no point in looking back" his shaking voice with his blushing cheeks make your head turn.

'I love you y/n'

"Pff nothing to do with me, it's a different y/n"

'From Rindou'

"Is another different Rindou" he said with his worried face mixed with his pink cheeks

'Haitani'

"Haha what is the probability??"

'Ran's baby brother'

"Shit—"

© this belong to @/eungii. Do not repost, translate, steal or modify my work.

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