#like. im almost 30 but i live like a fucking 10 year old. it's the most embarrassing tbing in the fucking world

[rabbithaver]

i don't even have my own credit card or paypal or anything. im almost 27

[welcome-to-the-neotheater]

Non-Comprehensive List of Things I Love About AJR City Savers

AJR WEBISODE: CITY SAVERS (youtube.com)

keep reading because loooooooooooooooooong post

0:00, I love the implication that they are spending 3/4 of their waking hours on this club and they don't have any free time between that and the band

0:12-0:15, he's holding this box with his bare hands normally for a few good seconds here, and only at the end does he decide that its actually super radioactive and he jerks his hand away from it really fast

0:20 Yeah that's going to help get the paint off

0:23 The old logo looks really weird to me after being used to the current one

0:30 he is so fucking proud of himself for putting a leaf into the trash can

0:35 "We founded this city savers club to protect this fine city we live in", the protection of course being kicking a piece of cardboard about 5 feet

0:38 "We start off at 4:30 in the morning, first item on the agenda, song" They're singing songs for the public, (specifically, the "youth" , 1:10) at 4:30 in the morning, "first item on the agenda"

0:48 none of the children are paying any attention to his song, the only one who even looks at the camera is a parent who, if anything, seems unimpressed

0:52 they did this shit in public

1:06 great camera work there

1:13 "We really feel like it gets our message across"

1:20 this is entirely useless

1:35 Does he have a meterstick? How does he know?

1:37 There's no god damn way they can hear him inside their fast cars, probably with windows up with him speaking at slightly above speaking voice

1:42 "Morning Deb!"

1:46 Outfit change from previous scene, these are different days. He does this regularly.

1:53 "NO!"

1:57 He's no longer doing something useless, this is actually disruptive, as you can tell from the honks

1:59 Unless one was added in the jump cut, you can see in the previous shot there was not, in fact, a baby blue jay's nest right there

1:59 What purpose does the word "baby" in "baby blue jay's nest" serve? Correct me if im not up to date on bird knowledge, but aren't all nests built by adult birds build the nests for their babies? Is he trying to say that the baby blue bird built the nest? I don't think baby birds can build nests. Is he just referring to the fact that the birds that live in the nests are babies? This is either redundant or wrong.

2:05 "I've submitted my application for the city savers club almost a dozen times now... I really hope I get in this month". He has been applying to enter this "club" (it has 2 members and does nothing of value) for almost a year.

2:17 Jack checks behind the curtain as if there's any way Adam was just hiding behind the curtain

2:22 Ryan is already so bored

2:28 I counted a 5 second pause before "What?"

2:40 Their brother attached a headshot in his resume as if they wouldn't know what he looked like.

2:43-48 this is just great

2:05-48 Jack and Ryan have created this fake club and have, for almost a year, been holding this over their older brother's head and having him submit formal applications to join his younger brothers' fake club and they have been denying all of them. If that isn't the most sibling shit out there, I don't know what is

2:48 "Graffiti" is a child's chalk drawing

2:55 "Can't get this out", he's using his shoe to remove washable childs chalk from the street. "Can't get this out" have you tried water??? They have to make that shit so it's easy to get out of children's clothes, and so that it washes away when it rains, if this "graffiti" is such a problem get some water and spray it

3:01 "Surprisingly pigeons don't just eat breadcrumbs". Look, I've never been to New York, but if the pigeons there are anything like seagulls, it should be 0 surprise to someone that's grown up there that the pigeons will eat whatever you give to them.

Idk what those are (skittles?) but they don't look like you should be feeding them to pigeons

3:07, they're feeding chunky peanut butter to the pigeons. naturally

3:12 LEE!!!!!!!

3:18 He runs away immediately after hearing they're going to try to put that sweater on him

3:20 They were already talking to him at an unreasonable distance apart but now even more so as he's gone entirely off screen and they continue to talk normally to him for I counted 7 seconds.

3:27 The cut off "Lee-". How long did they do that for?

3:29 Gotta love the "we're saving the world!" music that comes in here

3:30 Pre 2020 mask

3:33 All of the water has fallen out of his hands before he reaches the plant

3:37-41 I don't know if this was planned, I don't want to know if that was intentional

3:52 Wow! Look at this plant!

Throughout the entirety of this video they do nothing actually helpful for the city (yet continuously act like they're saving the world). Their "good deeds" are either entirely pointless ("traffic control", trying to get rid off the paint with his foot at 0:20, "singing for the youth", "watering" that plant) or actually slightly harmful (blocking some car because of an invisible blue jays nest, refusing to let their brother into the club, feeding shit to pigeons that they should not be doing, trying to get rid of a child's drawing)

Jack stated in an interview once that he's actually afraid of pigeons

Adam is a climate activist now, and I like to think that stemmed from not being allowed into city savers

Damn did I write a lot for a video under 4 minutes. I feel like one of those people that keeps interrupting movies to talk about deeper meanings or explain the jokes now.

[bunnihearted]

☁️🐇💭

i dont know it all makes me feel so not human, like im missing out on a big human experience. everyone around me has a partner or have had one/multiple. even my old friend a, who i recently messaged a bit with.. even he has a bf. an all of my old friends have currently a partner, and my old classmates have partners and i dont know i just really wonder whats so wrong with my and why im not allowed to be a part of humanity. i know im extremely ugly and have an unappeaking body and on top of that an atrocious personality but like....... so do other ppl. a few of my old friends are bullies and theyre ugly as i am but they're still married and live with their boyfriends... what is so incredibly different with me, why dont i get go partake in humanity???? im like 35 fkn yrs old and never. never. i lack smth so major about being a humanbeing. recently i read a romance book abt two ppl in their 30s who were virgins and fell in love, but like even they had experienced kissing. which i havent. not even a peck. ive never been flirted with never been asked on a date never ever. and i also feel like im quickly getting older and it gets more and more embarrassing bc society ARE judgemental. am i gonna date someone for the first time when im 33yrs old and be like yeah sorry im 33 but ive never even kissed bro im terrible and useless with all of that. no fucking adult is gonna wanna "teach" or have patience with a 33yr old partner who dont know anything about any of that like be for real. i cant hide it either bc they will tell when i dont even know how to kiss. this is if i even ever get to be in a romantic/sexual situation lol.

and like no it isnt normal. most ppl, like the fucking majority, like at least 8/10 ppl have had SOME sexual experience, even if its just kissing. i have zero. like i dont even have experience in flirting. "its ok its normal" no it isnt, its fucking sad and pathetic and humiliating and sets me apart from the rest of humanity, the rest of the world. im 25 and it means im undesirable and unwanted. "u dont have to be in a relationship to be whole" but i WANT to. i used to just want friends, i was fine for somany years with being alone and just wishing to meet friends. but not anymore, it doesnt do anything for me anymore. if anything it only emphasizes my loneliness, bc my so called friends will spend a couple of hours hanging out with me, then they will go home to their partner, they person they have chosen and been chosen by, and i will go home to an empty apartment and be all alone. i dont really care for friendships anymore, i used to see it as a soothing balm to the wound, maybe not the proper treatment for it, but at least it could work as a bandaid. but now it just reminds me of how fucking unwanted i am. sure they might want to have some sort of semi closeness with me, but a mere friendship doesnt allow the closeness and intimacy i need and want. i will never be number 1, the first priority, the one and only, the one they'd do anything for, the one they wanna know better than everyone else, the one they want to spend alltheir time with, the one they're crazy about, to just a friend. it only reminds me that im never good enough or special or important enough to be chosen.

so i just dont care for friendships, they make me hollow and empty and make me feel lonely. because i wanna be so so close to someone. where we almost blend together. you dont do that with friends. u dont have sex and let eo see eachother completely naked - metaphorically - and vulnerable. u dont stay completely loyal and prioritize your friends. i want one person to pour everything into, share everything with. im tired and i dont care about spreading some shards, some splinters of me around widespread. and with how my brain works, how fucking disordered it is, i dont even have the energy to entertain and maintain several different friendships, none of them as deep and profound as i crave. i dont have that in me. i need one person to give it all to. i dont have the energy for more than that, it just doesnt work for me. i dont know. i used to think i wanted friends, and maybe i will get to a place again where i will be able to. maybe. idk anything. but really i cant see how i'd be able to have the energy to give a little bit of me to multiple people. that only makes me feel empty and lonely. i want smth with one person withno barriers between us. idc for anything else anymore i just dont. and thats why i feel so fucking lonely because im dying of thirst and everything that isnt what i want feels like nothing but drops of acid making me slowly fkn die lol

[thegeminisage]

wow it is star trek update time. last night we watched ds9's "blood oath" and tng's "journey's end," which is one of the strongest quality ricochets we've had yet.

blood oath (ds9):

okay, so the summary said "three klingon legends" but what i didn't realize is that they were all REAL KLINGONS FROM THE ORIGINAL SERIES

i have to pain this picture for you, whoever is reading this. the three klingons in this episode appeared in "errand or mercy" "the trouble with tribbles" and "day of the dove." like, they really came back to reprise their roles almost 30 years later. i'm going to paste a picture but uhtw 60s blackface

now, if you're a tos viewer, you may recognize that fella in the middle as also having played the titular squire of gothos in. "squire of gothos." now, as an episode, i find "squire of gothos" to be pretty mid, but there is one specific scene that really did something for me. to me? it did something TO me. what it did to me was send me off the fucking deep end, i wish i could convey the depths of my madness with human words

(still screenshot grabbed from this infinitely more amazing gifset, give it up for @maulthots for enabling me, no literally please go through her gif tag and reblog her gifs)

anyway, before my good and wonderful friend so kindly made this gifset for me, i did maybe sit in front of my pc and replay the clip upwards of [mumble] times a day because i was very, very unwell. when i watched this scene for the very first time what happened to me in that single instant was the bone-deep realization that james t kirk (tos and aos) ate fascists on tarsus iv, probably, and he'd fucking do it again because nobody tastes better than a fascist! i wrote an entire fanfic about it, sorry for the spoilers.

what does squire of gothos and tarsus iv have to do with ds9? well first of all every star trek episode is secretly about tarsus iv so jot that down

but secondly, i've watched this clip so many times i have to hide my face when this man shows up in trouble with tribbles. now, i'm not so good with faces, but i KNOW THAT VOICE. but i know him AS the squire of gothos. i frequently forget entirely that he also plays a klingon, so i didn't recognize his name. so when i heard the squire of gothos's voice come out of a random klingon's mouth in ds9 my immediate kneejerk reaction was "no i am hearing things that can't be--" BUT IT WAS. i PAUSED the episode so i could look iy up, realized that the guy in the drunk tank was kor or "do you have a tongue you will be taught to use it" fame, and then to my eternal glee, kang shows up next

i remembered reading once that kang came back later and i was like ??? no one comes back later on tos BUT HE DID! I JUST HAD TO WAIT FOR IT!!!!! mystery finally solved...........

once i recognized them this episode was a blast. absolutely loving these 100 year old klingons getting ready for a rip roaring rampage of supercentenarian revenge. i was VERY sad that they died at the end but at least presumably they all died together (didnt see the last one go down but im just assuming he lived long enough to eat the albino's heart and then die)

(the albino is a really funny concept by the way like he's not even albino he's just a white klingon)

other notable things about this episode: firstly, quark hiding behind odo at the beginning. classic. secondly, dax actually being a good fighter ?!?!?! and finally, a true passing of the bechdel test where dax asked kira some alarming and upsetting questions about killing people and kira immediately took her aside and MADE her talk. i love. Women. and also women who murder people. i support womens wrongs.

i even love that the ONE time sisko doesn't back up one of his people it's for a good reason (doesn't want the 27yo reincarnation of his father figure to die on a klingon suicide mission)

10000/10, absolutely stellar ep, zero complaints

journey's end (tng):

oh boy.

just about the coldest bucket of fucking water...

you know, we tried to give this episode the benefit of the doubt actually. we were like "maybe this was progressive in 1994. i mean they ARE saying that moving these guys forcibly would be bad" and i mean like what would we know about what was progressive in 94? we were 5. so we checked and um i don't think anybody liked it in 1994 either

devastating that THIS has to be a wesley episode bc i wanted a better sendoff for my boy. "i had a vision and now i'm leaving starfleet" and yes they said the word vision in the most derogatory way possible. jesus christ

TRAVELER ALIEN RACEFAKING? HE PRETENDED TO BE NATIVE AMERICAN TO GIVE WESLEY THE VISION? and then he was like haha don't you know all that stuff is fake. (picard earlier in this episode "i am sooo respectful of your beliefs")

furthermore when picard was like "oh yeah this guy blames me for the crimes of my colonizer ancestor" girl at no point did he say that. idk if white people should go around accusing other white people of white guilt so i don't say this lightly but jesus christ captain picard can you tone it the fuck down buddy

i came across a gifset today of picard from season 5 (idr the episode) going "starfleet doesn't want officers who blindly follow orders sayign you're just following orders has been used to justify too many tragedies in our history" and then smash cut to this episode where he's like "well i tried but yeah i'm gonna have to move you sowwy :/" like good lord.

anyway it's a bummer these last few eps of tng have been less than great bc ik tng is capable of good episodes and i was hoping this series would go out on a high note. but it's going to end the same way it began with us waiting for something good to happen and throwing popcorn at picard

TONIGHT: ds9's "the maquis part i" and tng's "firstborn." i am Braced. for trouble.

[bfwonho]

AITA but i dont wanna use reddit

ok you know what here is the situation. my (only recently) 20 yr old friend (i met them four years ago when we both worked at mcd) lived with their strict, emotionally abusive, overprotective parents until recently. their parents would confiscate tech for yrs at a time, wouldn't let them get vaccinated (i had to help them do that), guilt and shame them, etc. also obviously homophobic and my friend is transfem nb and queer. theyre also the eldest sibling of quite a few and had to handle the pressure of that responsibility and their parents never wanted them to do normal things like getting a car and moving out. i was always there encouraging them even when we stopped working together bc i was like fuck this naive gullible homeschooled kid has no one and they remind me of my younger sibling and im gonna be there for them as much as i can. the only reason they even got a car eventually is cus i kept telling them to so they cld move out

cut back to barely a year ago, they're still so naive and gullible they've lent like 1k+ to ppl who won't pay them back, but they still have like 10-20k in savings and now their own car. they also get into digital art with my help and get into furry porn or whatever. im like ok i guess ur an adult now do what u want. and then theyre like "ive got an online partner from CANADA!!! (we r australian) don't freak out i know it's bad but he's 30." i'm like oh god. they've been together 3 months ish and my friend RLY wants to visit their fuckass boyfriend and i'm like please be careful, please wait at least a year, i know u wont wanna listen to how i rly feel about this but at least just take these precautions. i'm also like when you do meet irl he should come here ur barely 19 and he's 30 like it only makes sense. and theyre like "thank u i promise i will do that"

and then maybe 10 or 11 months into their relationship i find out my friend is in canada with their bf, and has been for like a month, and i only know this bc they're asking if i can pick them up from sydney airport. im like errr that's pretty far away but take the train and i'll pick you up from the station and they're like ok sure! and i ask a bit more about it and find out they believe their parents have been hacking into their laptop because why else would they be suspicious that this canadian guy is their boyfriend, i'm like actually no offense but it's really fucking obvious i don't think they did that... and they're like "yeah anyway my parents are no longer picking me up which is why i need a lift, i admitted i have a boyfriend and they're calling him a pedo (and i almost agree but i just smile and nod) and so i'm not going back and taking their bs anymore, i'm gonna sleep in my car if i have to" so i offer for them to stay at my place for a few weeks.

they go get their stuff from their place, i buy them a pizza cus they havent had dinner, i help them get their stuff inside, set up a temporary bed. they tell me they plan to be out within a few days, i tell them they can stay longer if they need to, but currently their only job is doordash and they should focus on getting a real job so they can find a place and i'm more than happy to help them find somewhere. theyre the type of person to say sorry for everything and not let themselves ever feel comfortable, so i make sure they know they can use the kitchen and bathroom and everything while they're here and to not feel like a huge burden, im gonna be charging them a tiny bit of rent anyway so yeah.

now tell me why it's been over a month, they've applied to only a few places, i specifically put in a good word with them at my job and told them to call back and ask about the application and they just haven't, they've just been doordashing and filling my entire fridge and cupboard with their food, i tell them to use the laundromat cus we don't have enough space for their washing too and they end up asking if they can use our washing machine anyway (i reluctantly say yes), they destroy all my kitchen sponges on washing this one shitty pan i have cus they have to cook an entire grand meal from scratch for breakfast lunch and dinner, they wash up but i'm the only person who cleans the floors and the bathroom so now i'm feeling cramped and stressed out...

i ask my mum about what to do, she says give them 2 weeks to move out, my mum is a guarantor on my lease so in the group chat i explain the situation and say they have 2 weeks, they NEVER RESPOND and start not coming home until late at night... i'm considering moving into another place with a friend atp so i'm like yo maybe you can get on this lease and THEN they respond and start showing up again... and today i called and updated mum on the situation and her partner got on the phone, me and my sibling only got this place cus he apparently called in a favour cus we were rly struggling to find any fucking housing, and so he says "tell him i mean THEMMM if theyre not out tomorrow i will forcibly remove them" and so my sibling makes sure to tell them this face to face so they cant avoid actually responding. i also find out today that this whole time they've been flat broke (to the point they had to borrow my money just to get petrol despite doordashing like 40 hours a week) because they HAVE BEEN HELPING. PAY. THEIR GROWN ASS. SHITTY FUCKING USELESS. PARTNERS. RENT. THIS GROWN ASS MAN NOT ONLY HAD THEM PAY TO GO SEE HIM AND SUCK HIM OFF AND COOK FOR HIM. NOT ONLY WAS LETTING THEM GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA AND JUST BE HOMELESS. BUT HE IS ACTIVELY TAKING THEIR FUCKING MONEY. despite all of this i am deep down INCREDIBLY GLAD that my mum's partner put his foot down to get them out of my house and i feel guilty about it despite risking eviction cus im breaking my lease agreement by having them here loooll

tldr my 20 yr old friend has been living in my house illegally for over a month bc they refuse to go back to their shitty parents, they are however broke and don't have a stable job and their 30 yr old boyfriend is leeching off of them, and now i'm essentially kicking them out of my place within 2 days because my own housing security is at risk

[j2zara]

Hiiiiii~ 2, 4, 7, 10, 22, 24, 30 for the fic writer game! 💖

Hiiiii friend! Sorry this took all day my brain is dead rn

2. a character whose POV you’re currently exploring

Lol i'm banging my head against the wall getting killed by LJ3porter fic so i'm like. Right in Girlfail Ellie J4 POV hell rn!!!! She's so fun and i do think writing for her is both easy and hard in that i enjoy doing it (and tbh i think i default to her pov usually when im in LJ3 mode) but i worry i make her way too sopping wet and pathetic. Which she can be pathetic but i worry im going like. way too sad wattpad girl with her.

4. a story idea you haven’t written yet

OK! I've talked about a few different things before so i'm gonna. Well. I'm two sentences into twelfth night j2 being sent to pursue Jace on Porter's behalf fic so i feel like that counts as "not written yet." I also talk about how. I think doing a reincarnation au for LJ3 or the clones in general would be so fun. i'm not sure what kind tho, the version in which they're all new teachers at aguefort is so fun and kinda stuck in my brain now. Plus i wanna write Barbarian teacher Tiefling!Ellie x Sorcerer teacher Aasimar!J3 like so so so so bad i think it would be such a funny way to have them never escaping the torment nexus. I also think it would be fun to write something abt LJ3 in their friends with benefits era. Or maybe one of their more official "date nights". I think if they got into doing roleplay in the bedroom is would be so so so so so so fucking funny. Like. Pretending the other is stranger they picked up at the bar or something.

7. your preferred writing fonts

Tbh i kinda would like to find a perfect writing font? I tend to default Arial and it doesn't look perfect its honestly kinda offputting but. my strategy is. When I feel like my writing looks so so so busted i switch to Verdana which is closer to the ao3 font so i can better visualize how it's gonna look. And that helps a bit. Idk im sick.

10. what is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

That's a good question. Actually? A couple years i think? I abandoned my old talentswap for a couple years before picking it up again in college. (tbh my current ch 3.3 is STILL unfinished so i abandoned it again). Tbh i'm not good at letting drafts rest and returning back to them. I either try to power through or end up abandoning it which i don't love

22. do you ever worry about public reaction to what you’re writing? how do you get past that?

I try not to but like. Yeah. I'm stressed basically every time. I joke that when i write original fiction that i have a hoard of angry twitter pearlclutchers that live in my head ready to rip everything i do to shreds but i try not to listen to them. But i'm worried every time. This has nothing to do with how i feel about you guys tbh i wildly underestimate your guys kindness and goodwill just bc im very hard on myself

I was anxious abt IYWD (I was worried it was gonna come across as too soft or too apologetic). I was anxious that nobody would take to Dyke!Jace/Zara in Who Can Blame a Girl, or i wouldn't be able to sell it

I probably MOST anxious of all about Almost (I was SO stressed that ppl were not gonna vibe at all with Bluejay or not gel with the whole "what if the clones were actual characters" , "born to love porter cliffbreaker, forced to do menial tasks for jaceprime" etc etc thought experiment. and i was so so so so so so scared about dropping the nickname Bluejay i was worried it was gonna be completely stupid and i was completely off the mark)

I was anxious abt Biggest Lie (i was worried it wasn't hot enough or maybe too violent or that it was maybe too shamelessly just like. smut lol).

And after Almost i was probably second most anxious about Stay / Leave. It was just a wip i really struggled with and idk it was so.... insular i guess? b/c it was so niche and the wip ended up being SO LONG and kinda emotional and sappy? Like again i think i was having the same doubts i had abt j2 in which i was like what if i can't sell people on this relationship. What if i've failed to convey something sincere. (that one was crazy tho bc i really really really really tried to release it and not care what happened bc i knew only a handfull of ppl would read it and i really really really tried to be cool and for a while i was but it was just hard i was so nervous and i don't think it was anyones reaction is really was just my nerves that were putting me in such a bad and upset mood and then over the next day or two i. I made this joke earlier that like. I PROMISE and hope i'm not overinflating my ego when i say this like i'm perfectly aware that i just write silly smut online but it really was so so so so funny. to see everyone practically overnight be like.... wait. Are LJ3..... in love??? And now LJ3 is like such an integral part of clone lore.

24. how do you recharge when you’re not feeling creative?

That's a good question bc i feel like. When i'm stuck in one medium i tend to just try and distract myself with another so when im bad at drawing i write and when im bad at writing i draw. But thats not exactly recharging. Tbh i do think i need to find better things in my routine that rejuvenate me i think i haven't been particularly good at treating myself well lately

30. share a fic you’re especially proud of

I'm cringe and usually will shill if you want divinity (you're gonna have to go through me) as one of my favorite things i've ever written. But im also extremely confident most of y'all have already read it. I'm very very hard on myself so i swing between thinking the things i make suck and also being like. Fairly proud of all of them.

But idk it was my first ambitious thing i wrote and FINISHED in a long time and honestly? I do think its slightly better than the rest bc the iterations are all reliant on the original so they're very intertextual and repetitive which isn't BAD but. The extra work it took to make IYWD work makes it feel different to me. There's a LOT of stuff in it that i'm proud of that i honestly kind of miss b/c Porter is so smitten for Jace in a way he hasn't been in things i've written in a long time. I'm a softy who likes when jaceporter are soft and kinda in love... sue me... And like. i always feel so self congratulatory talking about the Loving To the Point of Invention Detect Thoughts + Teleport but i really felt good about coming up with that. And i still like the flashbacks a lot. It always feels so embarrassing to admit that i like. Get emotional thinking about the flashback of them on the bed. Sometimes i tailor make a scene just for me. "I promise i'm never going to let anything happen to you ever again" "as a paladin or a barbarian" "both" is like. Such a scene just for me. And I think the ending is good too. "I'll take it. I'll take it all" just felt so. fitting. It's so him getting to hear himself say to porter "i'll take the thing with you that is broken and fucked and full of compromises even if it has to end". Sigh. Sometimes you're an english major and you agonize over being a good writer for like two decades and realize that you might not be as horrible as you think.

(For the record. i think if i were to rank what i've written for fantasy high from fav to least fave, i'd say IYWD, Biggest Lie, Stay / Leave, Who Can Blame a Girl, Almost, Tell Me How, and it feels weird to put Almost that low bc i do like it. Tbh i regret making it so short i think i could've pushed it further)

Anyway!!! This got long winded as hell. Thanks for the asks they were fun to do!

Send me Fic Writer Asks! / Here are the questions!

[ravenquingvax]

14 year old me deserved better

we shouldn't have been bullied, our parents shouldn't have emotionally neglected us, we shouldn't have been allowed free reign on the internet

i have irreversible trauma all because my parents didn't understand the difference between giving shelter & food to someone and real parenting

i felt abandoned and unloved and pushed away and hated

i felt utterly worthless to, and unwanted by, the very people who had fought to have me

my parents went through IVF to have me, you know, and yet my whole life I've never really felt loved or wanted by them

i ended up so alone and scared i fell into an older person's trap and was hurt in ways that i didn't understand back then

i felt so broken and discarded, like i truly had nothing left to give to anyone else

it really fucked me up

i understand how this all happened and it sickens me

i hate that some parents hate their children and hurt them internationally, i hate that some parents don't know love and therefore can't give it to their own children in the future

i hate that people refuse to accept that girls can be evil and predatory, i hate that we treat victims as criminals even if they "followed every rule"

its no wonder i gave up on my education in the end

its no wonder i stopped living

im stuck and I feel helpless

i was talking to people, I was getting help, I was making progress (and technically i still am but not in ways that truly help in the long run) but it got too overwhelming and i just fucking shut down again

i feel trapped in a body that doesn't belong to me

it never did and never will

i feel trapped in a cycle of anger and sadness and sickness and exhaustion

5 10 15 20 25 30

i feel so fucking stuck

so fucking done

i woke up at 6am today and i couldn't fall back asleep

i trued writing it off, literally by writing fanfiction, and I've refreshed tumblr and twitter so many times since I woke up that in kind of sick of them

its now 8am and I feel dead

but not energy wise

just emotionally unwound

I'll probably feel better after i have some water and talk to my boyfriend, knowing me

but i wanted to talk about how just fucked everything feels

i feel like a vase someone smashed into smithereens and that was put back together with paper mache and string

her name kills me almost every time I see or hear it now

i think i might hate myself less than her these days, honestly

she stole my innocence and my trust and my childish love

she robbed me of a colour, of a book series, of a movie, of a flower and of so much more

she probably doesn't even remember me anymore, if she's still alive after everything

i don't know what I'd prefer

5 10 15 20 25 30

would i rather she got help and found love and happiness?

would i rather the opposite?

i feel too tired to care

she's not the last, nor am i certain she was truly the first

but she ruined me in ways nobody else could dream to

she left a sickness in my veins that i cant get rid of

its almost become lovely

i would miss it if it were gone

the hate is ugly and hisses, but i take comfort in its heat

maybe i am broken, maybe she broke me, maybe

i woke up today with terrible thoughts of things i dont want to do to myself or to others

thats fucked up

i can't remember if i was always like this or if she did this

maybe its both

5 10 15 20 25 30

all i know is that im tired

i want to stop hurting

i want to stop being scared

i want to stop being angry

i want to stop being sad

i want to stop being so tired

i just want to live and love

i love people, i do

i hate feeling such strong hatred that im not so sure is even really my own

i just want to be happy

i feel sick

[bambaooo]

30.

I know for a fact no one is on here anymore, but doing this has been on the back of my mind for about a week or so.

But I just turned 30. My last almost 15 years of life have been recorded to some extent on here. From my 20s to now my 30s life has been fucking nuts. From going to feeling invincible, to feeling that like everyday is a new challenge of what im going to go through. I remember in like elementary school and middle school, i was like embarrassed of being on the younger end for my class. I would always lie and say that i was born in 93 instead of 94. Such a weird thing. and before i turned 21, i wasnt pressed on going downtown to the bars and clubs cause i know when my time came it would be fine. But gdamn, my 20s are gone. I cant help to reflect on the life ive lived. From college, to my first real job, first time living on my own money, relationships, covid, grad school, and to the last major things of buying a house and getting engaged. like what tf am I doing, in the back of my head im still that one kid that eats a shit ton, works out alot, and smokes hookah. But in reality im not that person anymore lol. i used to be very resistant on change but, i know its inevitable but it does still bums me out a bit. I think it bummed me out before because up until recently, ive been very deprived from my friends. I felt bad reaching out, and I felt like i was being a burden hitting them up. But like now, id rather reach out and see them rather than feel like im missing out. But ive seen more friends in the past few months than I feel like i have in the past few months combined. I know social connection is a big part of being healthy, but i didnt realize it was like that for me. But it makes sense, for almost almos the whole time i was in richmond, i was constantly around friends. but as a real adult that shit is kinda hard, gotta cross reference everyones schedules and shit. but like honestly its better than nothing, and i dont think i could do that shit for a extended amount of time lol. and life is just so fucking different know, fucking mortage and house stuff. and still trying to exercise regularly and be an adult.

i almost never want to plan anything for my birthday cause i dont like that feeling of being a burden or w/e. But it just happned to be that arvin moved back home and we got lunch the day before with matt. and that night we hung out at a hookah bar. Ive been so scared with the random health shit ive been dealing with but hookah actually calmed me down a lot for some reason. and Im trying really hard not to get back into the habit of smoking on a regular basis. after smoking for 10 years man, that shit would fuck me up. not the smoking, but feeling reliant on something. Shit addiction is fucking real. Im blessed to be able to pull myself away from shit like that, but i know in the back of my head i know that shit would feel so nice lol. Even when i was vaping, that shit didnt hit as good as a hookah lol.

but yeah life is different. getting settled in the house, gonna plan for a wedding of some sort in the near future, trying to get the house figured out. life is just fucking wild to me right now.

the 20s i definately learned a shit ton. I feel fucking old talking like that, but like its fucking true. the kids in their 20s now have like no idea how to live like we did. i hope i can get to a point where i can be good mentally and physically to live life a little bit of what i used to. I always hear that the 30s is like your 20s with more money, which makes me hella excited. but yeah, im 30 now, idk the next time ill be on here. ill probably come on here once in a while until it dies off forever. I lowkey want to go back into my shit and read some stuff, but i honestly cant bring myself to dig through that shit lol.

until the next.

[asexualbookbird]

ok, so, the first 3 books on your top5 hatelist i totally agree with. although the only one i've actually read front to back was 13 Reasons Why, it's understandable to feel nothing but contempt for that book, especially in the wake of that godawful show that never should've been given 4 seasons, much less greenlit in the first place!

never bought ready player one, but i read half of a friend's copy and listened to my favorite booktubers critique it. saw the movie mostly for olivia cooke. ngl, mr. cline feels like an incel who somehow got lucky by latching onto the 80s pop culture revival a few years ago. too cringey for me.

hemlock grove is an odd one, because i got introduced through the show (hello fanke janssen and bill skarsgard!) when netflix first became an online streaming service. what can i say about it other than GROSS! that series just makes me viscerally disgusted.

the other two i have not had the misfortune of reading, but i will take your word for it and stay way.

13RW GOT HOW MANY SEASONS, ive had that black listed since i finished the book 💀

im sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Netflix's Hemlock Grove live action series was worlds better than Brian McGreevy's books. Did the show follow the books? yeah! almost exactly! until the dinosaur baby, HOWEVER. THE BOOKS. God. okay the line that really stuck with me was "go suck an egg" and "go eat a tampon" what the fuck lol also i forget all their names but skarsgards sister? in the books? she gets out of the abusive family (YAY) by *checks notes* running away and marrying a 30 year old man. she is 16 years old. this is seen as a happy ending.

like the show was awful it sucked (mire than eggs) but it was awful in an entertaining way! you could laugh at how awful it was! if netflix hadnt removed it i probably wouldve rewatched the last season because the dino baby is HILARIOUS. The book was disgusting. Skarsgards character was a rapist but we loved him for it. Why, after nearly 10 years was this the book that stuck in my head.

[what-the-hayl]

Pause of reflection.

A couple months ago i wasnt even thinking about being sober from alcohol. Today, i am 34 days without a drop, WHAT THE HAYL!! I'm basically living with my parents again to be with Ashton more. It's been going smoothly, and i think ive been keeping myself busy so im not even thinking about drinking much. I have had a couple of challenging days wanting to get drunk, i always let my mom know cause i dont know whats to come in the day. Ive been drinking energy drinks again to give me the "vodka/redbull" fix. I smoke too obviously, which helps me make wiser choices and focus to get shit done!

Some new habits ive formed in these last couple months:

I workout for at least 30 minutes a day. ( seriously do something as simple as standing in front of the tv and walk in place )

I drink at least 8 bottles of water a day. ( im a social drinker, so ill normally go live on tiktok and drink 3-4 bottles of water by 10:30am, i have also noticed it helps if i have a big tumblr or something to put ice in and use a straw )

I read for at least 30 minutes a day/ at least a chapter of something. ( i am focused heavily on self love books right now, to relearn boundaries, discipline, moderation, etc. )

I'm practicing affirmations and positive thoughts every morning to start my days better. ( things like laying out what i need to accomplish in the days, looking at myself in the mirror and giving myself more loving energy vs critiquing comments )

I get to see Ashton every morning and night again, so relearning motherly duties. ( getting up with him and getting him ready for school, baths, putting to bed, disciplinary actions when needed, regaining enforcment & guidance from me as his mom )

Accepting my parents different opinions & views are OK. ( instead of their disagreements, thoughts, outlook, etc. I will choose to just listen and not react, remind myself they are people too and are allowed to view and have different ways of doing things.

I just turned 29 in Novmeber, some days i feel like "bro, what are you doing with your life, or what have you been doing" at 29 i feel i am restarting my whole "adult life" over, with a almost 5 year old. I'm disappointed in myself for falling low and getting stuck. I have many more days reflectiing how lucky i am to have the parents i do, for not giving up on me and giving me chance and chance again to get my shit together. It's scary to think where Ashton & i would be if they weren't.

Life's not a race, embrace what it is, BE FREE, always listen, stay open minded.....

AND

if nothing else,

KEEP FUCKING GOING!

[ramblin-tiger]

Fucking THIS.

So guna go on somewhat of a rant here.

Shortening with this nifty button I found since I'm in mobile, and it helps others in mobile not scroll for forever and a day.

In the US, renting a place is not only expensive, but anoying to even attempt.

So like, where Im at, some of rental places want your monthly income to be 3X the rent. Now a key factor here is that I live near a military base, but that only accounts for so much. Back to topic tho, even without the triple requirement, you still need first month rent and a deposit. Aside from a trailer that's 30+ years old and falling apart, the best price your going to get is between 800-1000/mo. And that's for a semi-decent single wide trailer. A 900sqft house of any kind is going to easily run you 1200+

Now, the majority of people are going to be making about (super rough estimate here) maybe about 1600/mo on average? Since most places are doing their best to keep you at the national minimum wage still (7.50/hr) and part time in most places. But the 1600 is assuming the person is full time at 10/hr. And that's BEFORE TAXES. From there, again before taxes, they'd have about 400/mo leftover assuming they were in a place that would cost them 1200/mo. Utilities would eat easily 200-300. Which leaves 100. That's what's left for payments and groceries.

Leaving out the taxes is how I could explain if the person was maybe in a cheaper place. It's possible. But this is all if they wanted to be in a place by themselves.

You practically need to have room mates if you want to be able to save any amount of money, because everything is so fucking expensive these days you can't really save money.

"Just increase wages then!"

Ok, first, see the above graph. CLEARLY that's not going to happen. Big companies want to make more money however they can. And even if that did happen, capitalism would just boot itself up and increase prices because "oh people have more money so we can charge more". Increases to wages would unfortunately be a super short solution to the bigger problem.

Do I have a solution? Not at all. But I can at least see the problem.

It took me two years to save up almost 10k, and that's because I had a job working at a bulk chemical company making 23/hr, while I was living with two other people. With a (very lucky find) rent of 750, and about 400 in utilities. (Water, electric, internet)

I had to live with two other people, making well over the average wage of the state I live in, and it took me two years to save enough money to have 35% of a down payment on an average price for a house.

That's an entire other topic to delve into later.

All that said though, I just want to be able to have my own place and not have to worry about needing to spend ever waking hour of my time working just so I can scrape by and pretend that I have a semblance of a life.

If you want to know why people have lost faith in capitalism, this might help

[wizkiddx]

hiiiii !!! if you are accepting requests at the moment, can i ask something about reader and tom expecting a baby, one day while he’s drunk she sees him flirting with another women and when she confronts him he snaps at her and tells her he’s not ready for this “shit”. So they broke up and broke contact for months, until he shows in her apartment regretting his words and they talk but she suddenly at that moment gets into labor?!? I remember seeing a concept similar in a movie but I would love if you couldn’t bring it to life! Thank you so much in advance, appreciate your work a lot 🧸🤎

right so I loved this so much it has become a multiple parter and im not even going to apologise. so thanku so so much anon for getting me out a little rut!!!

summary: when toms caught out all hope looks lost - probs part 1 of 3 but it could get a bit longer too lol

warnings: serious angst, reference to abortion, cheating, a whole lot of swearing (im British sorry not sorry)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi babe, just to let you know Yamna’s invited me out for dinner this evening so don’t worry if you get home early and im not back! I love you x”

It was a spur of the moment plan, which was a rarity recently. The past 5 months since you’d found out, you could name barely 5 occasions you’d been out past 8 oclock- trading your heels for fuzzy slippers and dresses for massively oversized tops and joggers. It wasn’t how you had expected to be spending the summer before your 25th birthday but it was now your life. The rooftop bars, the wild nights, the get aways had all sort of been cancelled for… for the rest of your life.

Because an 8 month pregnant belly isn’t something you can ignore.

Sure…. it wasn’t the plan. Not the plan to be pregnant with your boyfriend of only 6 months, who at the time you didn’t even live with. But you were making it work. And now, you were just excited. It was the start of a new story with Tom, and you’d got past the phase of being sad and mourning your youth. Because the little bubba inside of you, she was pretty awesome and you really couldn’t wait to meet her.

So yes, you had been home alone eating ice cream from a tub when Yamna knocked on the door. She’d been one of your best mates for as long as you could remember so when she’d turned up unannounced with mascara smeared under her eyes you’d cancelled your plans of a pathetic alone evening. Her boss had just given her the sack - which was no surprise. He was a backwards tory old git who couldn’t handle the fact Yamna was a woman doing the job better than he could ever dream of.

So yes, you’d suggested going out to the fancy new bar down the road - to celebrate the fact she no longer had to put up with the arsehole. Obviously you couldn’t drink and neither did Yamna, but you go to a bar for the atmosphere - and the selection of mocktails they had was insane.

Your boyfriend Tom was already out, he said he had a meeting and then dinner with some execs he needed to shmoosh. Of course you didn’t mind, but he had been working a lot recently, in order to be able to have the time off when your baby girl arrives.

So after sending a little text and giving Yamna another hug to try and turn the evening from disappointment to celebration you walked out the door with a smile on your face. Maybe you could pretend, just for an evening to not be pregnant and whale-like?

///////////////////////////

The bar was just a 10 minute walk so it wasn’t long before the two of you were soaking up the atmosphere. It was all decorated in a rustic fashion, with old exposed wood and dangling lightbulbs from the ceiling and the drinks were incredible. The type that have dry ice or flames or some other sort of fantastical display of edible decorations. Even Yamna had perked up, especially when a guy from the table across had bought you both a round of drinks.

“I’m just gonna pop to the loo.”

“Do you really need the toilet or do you just want to parade infornt of the fit rich man who keeps looking at you?”

“ Is both an option?” You laughed as Yamna slipped off her stool, winking rather dramatically as she did so. She was unbelievable - but at least this way she wasn’t thinking about her work, or lack thereof, anymore.

Happily you sat scrolling though your phone, seeing that tom had messaged you with an okay, before flicking through instagram.

And that was where the happiness ended.

For in a hurried manner, with a face looking a lot more ghosted than when she left, Yamna took her seat again.

“Are you okay?” Immediately your worry took over, the way she was biting her lip and not meeting your eyes not helping.

“I um yeh-yeh. Just I think I saw Tom.”

“Tom as in my Tom?” Her almost guilty looking nod had your scrunching your eyebrows, why was it such a big deal Tom was inside?

“He didn’t see me I don’t think but er… he just looked pretty close to a girl and I-“

To be honest you stopped listening at that point, heart dropping out the bottom of your chest. Because it made sense, he had been so distant recently and even if you’d been lying to yourself that it were work - this seemed much more likely. Whilst nodding along, pretending to listen to Yamna, instead your attention was solely focused on fiddling with the promise ring he’d got you after the two of you decided to keep the baby. He’d been so committed, so ready for this unexpected news. He’d said he was in for the long haul.

“Y/n?”

“sorry I um… it’s probably just a work colleague he needs to sweet talk. I’ll um-I’ll just go say hello.”

“I’m coming with you.” She spoke astutely, very much forcing herself into the situation.

“No no I’ll… I’ll come back if I need you, just wait here.”

Her face was so grim and destitute, as much as you were pretending it was okay - you knew it wasn’t. Before Yamna could protest further, you slipped off your seat ( clumsily thanks to the elephant belly) and walked with fake confidence back inside.

It took you barely 3 seconds to hone in on Tom, call it mothers intuition. He was on a booth in the corner with 5 others on his table but none of whom you recognised. It was 2 other guys and 3 girls - the six all paired off in mathcingly initimate conversations. Apart from that you payed almost zero attention to the others, attention solely focused on your boyfriend and the girl he had his arm round.

She was everything you weren’t. She was skinny - you, as previously mentioned, looked like you had a beachball stuffed under your top. She was blonde with sleek and perfectly styled waves at the tips of her long her - yours was thrown into a messy bun due to the last minute plans.

Most importantly - right now she was wrapped in Toms arms, whilst you stood alone watching.

God knows what came over you, but with confidence you never normally had you marched up to the table, just waiting at the end. One of the men you didn’t recognised, arrogantly asked you ‘can I help you’ - but you completely disregarded it, eyes solely fixed on Tom. He took a moment more to look away from the leggy girl, but as soon as he did his eyes grew massively wide.

“Y/n I-I-“

“Fancy bumping into you, I thought you were out with work executives?” Frantically casting his gaze across the table, you could see the cogs whirring to try and come up with an explanation.

“No I-I was but then Charlie here came over, we used to be mates at school and-“

“Oh fuck off Tom., I cant deal with this right now.”

You didn’t even have the energy to listen to his clearly fake excuses as to why he’d landed himself in that situation. You also certainly did not have it in you to maintain the strong face, you could feel everything shattering inside of you.

Because it was so blindingly obvious by how he had acted. You’d caught him out and you both knew it.

And it fucking hurt like hell.

So you exited the bar as fast as physically possible, hearing the shouts of both Yamna and Tom behind you. You didn’t know what you needed in that moment - except that neither of them were the answer. Tom though, presumably the faster of the two, managed to catch up - grabbing your arm to make you halt in the road.

There was this moment between the two of you that time almost seemed to freeze. The two of you, in an otherwise pretty empty residential street, at 9:30 at night, in a moment that you would never have again. From your point of view, you saw the slightly bloodshot and bleary eyes, widened with panic and fear. For Tom he saw the floods of tears down your cheeks, which you hadn’t even noticed were freely streaming.

But in that moment there was, at least, the slightest bit of peace. The slightest bit of hope - that he could explain, that he had some ludicrous but valid reason for the situation you had walked in on. Just a smidgen of hope that this were recoverable.

But then he had to open his bloody mouth.

“Y/n I swear nothing-“

“That didn’t look like fucking nothing!”

“It was I swear! We just-“

“Tom this is your one and only chance. I don’t care if your off your face, if you don’t give my a miracle of a reason as to what the fuck THAT was - then I’m gone.”

“Don’t say that Y/n, you don’t mean th-“ He tried to grab your hand which you snatched away, like you had just scalded it on a hot plate. Like he had hurt you.

“I swear to god I’ve never meant anything more. So cut the shit.”

“FIne-fine! Um so we were at the meeting and then on the way out I bumped into George and hes been a good mate of mine for years.” All you did was hum, arms crossed and making sure you had a metre of distance between the two of you.

“So he said god you look like you need a drink and I agreed because its been stressful as hell recently.”

“Oh its been stressful; for YOU has it? I’m so sorry Thomas, has it been hard for you while i’ve been throwing my lungs up with morning sickness? Has it been stressful that I’ve been running on zero hours sleep because she kicks me all bloody night? ” Your words were laced in a posioned sarcasm, to which Tom just stammered to.

“Please just let me.” Given he was supposed to be fighting for you, he sounded pretty darn defeated already.

“I said yes to the drink.” He skipped out the bit that had angered you, to which you rolled your eyes at. “And one turned into two and more and then I don’t know-“

“Your going to have to try a lot harder than that.” You deadpanned, taking a small step further back still.

“I mean it! The girls were all his friends and we were just talking.”

“Just talking? All pressed up and arms round her?”

“Yes!” As indignant as he retorted, it didn’t not make up for what you had seen with your own eyes.

“Your such a bullshitter Tom!”

“God why wont you just listen to me?” He cried, wobbly doing a little 360 on the spot, in what appeared to be exasperation.

“Because your just spouting fucking lies! And you try and blame it all on poor little tommo being stressed which is-“

“I HAVE BEEN! Running round after you! I’m just tired of this shit!!! So kill me, for having one night of freedom!”

Tom was too deep in his angry lecture to take any notice of you. Which is why, once finished, he waitied, breath heavy and nose flaring. He was waiting for you to scream back at him. To give it back. He was too drunk to notice the change in your demeanor.

“I’m tired of this shit.”

It was just reverberating round your head. Again and again and again. He was tired of your relationship and you hadn’t even become parents yet. He was at his wits-end and the baby was still unborn. What the fuck was going to happen when baby arrived? Clearly there was no hope. It was dead. Your relationship was dead with no chance of revival.

Because he’d said it. Your relationship was shit, and nobody can put up with something they hate for that long. Not 18 years. Not while bringing up a child.

So with a new sense of dread and fear and complete and total isolation you uttered three single words before hysterically running away.

“Don’t follow me.”

Not now, not ever.

?to be continued?

~~~~~~~~~~gahhhh I hope u enjoyed! I also REALLY CANNOT THINK OF A NAME FOR THIS MINISERIES --> if anyone can think of something pls inbox me!!! ~~~~~~~~

tom taglist: @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08 @prancerrparkerr @wildxwidow @Elishi03 @arctic-monkcys @Ownbauer13 @tomhollandlol

[trylobite]

currents, part one

                                        journal entry # 42

                     may 3, 1998 - 4 days before graduation

looking back on the countless hours spent loving and being loved by pj these last two years, i never imagined things would end like this. i never thought i would end things like this.  

we have been fighting more and more recently. he thinks im unhappy, everyone thinks im unhappy. fuck, even i thought i was unhappy with him for a while, but I don’t think that’s it. It may sound totally juvenile and cliche, but I think im too happy with pj, and its becoming so terrifying. why are the best things always so fucking terrifying?

the love we share is bursting from my every seam and that’s why i can’t continue. i love him so much, so truly but, after days of contemplation i’ve concluded that despite being surrounded by all this love, i feel so dejected. i want to be a good person and love people with my entire soul, and right now, i don’t fucking know anything, especially not the importance of loving and cherishing someone else for all that they are. thats what i do know.

i dont think it insane of me to say that i don’t want to look back on this relationship years from now, having not ended it, and us both be miserable.

the devastating thing is, if that were the outcome, i don’t think he would leave me like im about to leave him. he’s too selfless. i don’t want to do it, truly i don’t. i don’t want to murder his spirit in the process of figuring out who i am, but is it nobler to sacrifice myself for the man i love the most and never be able to give him the love he deserves in return?

maybe that was too poetic, but dear journal, i really mean it.

i know what i must do, it was bound to happen. i just can’t let myself hurt him anymore. i know that once im gone, he will be happier.

—— october 30, 2000 ——

i breathe in deeply letting the crisp, autumn, pennsylvania air fill my lungs.

ever since graduation ive been up north in the glum state of maine trying to connect with myself. i tried college up there for a few weeks but dropped out because all it was doing was adding to the stress and heartbreak i was putting myself through.

inever told anyone where i was going, just my parents so they could send money every now and then. but to everyone else, i sort of…disappeared.

i spent most of my time in maine with my neighbor, edith. shes this feisty little hippie lady in her mid 60’s, and she took me in when i was at my lowest. edith runs a quaint little bakery in town, which she sort of manipulated me into working at, but to be honest i’ve never minded. she has a luxurious garden thats full of herbs and spices used in her shop. we have spent many hours back there in her garden just talking, crying, laughing,. she taught me so much about the mysterious ways humans live and adjust. she would tell me stories from her life that taught her about empathy, love, betrayal, and remorse. i’ve learned a lot from ole edith and for that i will forever be in her debt.

edith is actually the one who convinced me to come back after all this time, to my home town. i didnt want to, for reasons obvious to both edith and i, but as i hinted at before, once edith wants something shes relentless. she told me to come and visit for a few days over halloween weekend, and if it was horrible i could give her a call and she would buy my train ticket back immediately. i reluctantly packed my bags and rang my parents to tell them the news.

so here i am, in the backseat of my family car that we have had since I was 10 years old, I can still smell the cigarette smoke from when my mom was an avid chain smoker in the early 90’s. i have the window down letting the sharp, icy wind swirl my hair all about my face. my headphones are blaring against my ears so loud that im almost positive my parents could hear the music over the wind. i’ve been playing matchbox twenty’s “yourself or someone like you” album on repeat the entire train ride here, and I don’t know if it’s the nauseating loneliness in rob thomas’ voice blasting into my head for hours or if it’s the weight that these familiar streets carry but im starting to feel very anxious and lightheaded the closer we get to home.

i let go of a shaky breath i didn’t know i was holding as we pass the skate park me and the boys spent a million nights at fucking around, smoking, getting drunk. i would always complain when steve brought his “magic dust”, but pj always promised if anything happened, he would make sure i was taken care of. bam and ryan always just laughed in my face and told me to loosen up, fucking assholes.  

bam margera has been my best friend ever since i can remember. we grew up next door to one another, and with no other neighboring houses being as close as ours are, it was inevitable that we would become attached at the hip. we would always hunt for bugs and crawfish down in the creek by my house and use them to scare his mom, april. i remember when ryan dunn moved to west chester, it was like our team was finally complete. we were literally the three musketeers, and no one could separate us. my mom always hated the fact her sweet little angel was being turned rotten by some gross little boys, but i think she grew to love them as much as i did over the years. our parents thought that once we hit puberty the three of us would naturally fall apart, but i think the awkwardness and uncomfortable changes of puberty only brought us closer. our interests obviously did start to differentiate more, like bam and ryan got into skating and bmx, and i got more into reading and writing, but it never caused a rift. they were my brothers, until the very end. until i left.  

i remember the day they introduced me to the rest of their friends. i only ever hung out with bam and ryan on our own, but i knew of their other friends through the stories they would tell me. that day bam and ryan said they were going to take me to the skate park to show me this “gnarly trick” that bam had finally mastered.

i always found it amusing because the guys absolutely refused to go to the actual skate park in town, we always went to this abandoned pool in the outskirts of the suburb that bam had declared their territory the beginning of freshman year.

i wanted to be supportive of his hobbies, so i went willingly, but turns out there was no trick and i had been lied to. i was greeted by many new faces that day, one being a face i will never forget.

i shake the memory of our first meeting from my mind as my dad pulls into the driveway. the lawn is decorated with the ghost decorations the boys and i made years ago for a halloween bonfire. i frown at the memory, wishing i could get amnesia to forget all these good things ive left behind. as i step out of the car my shoes make a squishy noise against the orange and yellow leaves that have fallen into the driveway. there are puddles soaking the pavement, turning it into a dark and depressing gray. mom told me over the phone yesterday about all the rain they have been getting lately. seems like even the weather in west chester was preparing for my arrival.

i look over to bams house and try to suppress the ache bubbling up in my chest. i don’t want to be here; I feel like my happiness is being slowly sucked out through ribs.

ever since i left this shitty little town ive been able to grow and become a better version of myself but being back has already started to affect me. i don’t want to revert back to the person that ive worked so hard to let go of, i want to be free from that life and those mistakes.

the whipping of birds playing above my head pulls me from my internal monologue and with my head hung low, i creep up the driveway. my hand touches the ice-cold knob, but something stops me from entering. I can’t put my finger on what exactly, but then I hear it, the faint rhythmic buzzing from the bass of someone’s car getting closer and closer. my eyes fly to the top of the hill near the end of the street, and I can feel my heart start beating harder and a knot growing larger in my stomach. for a split second i can’t differentiate between the bass vibrating the air around me and the deafening knocking of my heart at my ears. as the car came barreling down the street, my body starts to weaken and i feel as if all my bones have been replaced with jello.

they were in chris’s van, and they were listening to some weird band that bam was obsessed with (if i had to guess) on the loudest volume possible and with all of the windows down. i knew i needed to stop looking and go inside before I got caught, but something about seeing them acting so…normal…without me wouldn’t allow me to look away. however, that feeling is soon washed away by a tender ache piercing through my chest.

the pout on my lips is suddenly replaced with an emotionless, cold expression as i spot pj in the back seat. despite the look on my face, my heart has never felt so sore. his warmth is radiating through the car’s windows, and i feel like i can almost hear his rich, gravelly voice ringing in my ears. I can still remember the way his cologne would mix around in the air and fill my lungs with pine and cigarette smoke. I can still feel his soft palm and calloused fingers brushing along my lips and cheek, and his soft pink lips dancing over my jaw and down my neck. this is all too much.

as they pull into the driveway next door, i watch them file out of the van and into the garage. I take a second scanning over all of them, seeing new tattoos and new injuries. they were all there, from what i could see. chris, steve, ehren, dave, ryan, bam, and pj.

when I finally give my eyes permission to look at pj, i am met with those beautiful dark brown pools, that once held so much admiration for me. they were now full of confusion and anger.

it took me a second to even realize he had noticed me and from that point on all i could focus on was escaping the situation. i swing my backpack over my shoulder and rush for the front door, but by the time i pass through the threshold of my childhood home, full of so many memories, i knew the secret was already out.

© blackjello, 2022

[transhoverfish]

I FOUND IT

Like I get where this person is comming from but when Ryley landed on 4546B Bart would be 29

I think that the game made it very clear that the Degasi crashed a decade before Aurora and Bart was 19 at that time.. which means (in combination of Subnautica lore and math) that IF Bart survived the 10 long years he would obviously age up

Maybe reading the PDAs is something that should be done even if you wouldn't get addicted to the game... just saying🤷🏻‍♀️

[I just remembered that I saw someone on Instagram ranting about how shipping Ryley and Bart is weird (or 'fucked up', I don't remember exactly what they said) because Ryley is like 25-30 or something like that and Bart is 19 and I was like "do your math pls" So yeah... I ended up laughing for like 5 minutes (Too bad I didn't take a screenshot)]

yeah ok i get the concern here but like yeah as you said!! this isnt like one of those "taking a 15yo and aging them up to 18 to make them legal", bart's already 19, and he's 19 a DECADE before the events of the game, including any possibility of meeting ryley.

assuming ryley is 25-30 - which his age is never mentioned either, so for all we know, ryley could be 19 himself!! - but we're gonna assume he's 22-30 based on his job, general appearance and maturity in a high stress situation. in the ten years that pass between bart and ryley EVER crossing paths, bart would be 26-31, give or take a few years for that mentioned decade to be possibly rounded.

bart could be OLDER than ryley for all we know. worse case, these guys can't have more than like, maybe a 6 year age gap. and that's entirely dependent on someone's personal reading of ryley. his age is NEVER mentioned or hinted at. the youngest he could be is 18. oldest maybe 40. but who's to say?? it's never brought up!

taking the decade jump into account though,, yeah ryley and bart are like the same age. they're probably within 5 years of each other, both in their late twenties by the events of sub1. its just the time skip between the degasi and aurora that creates this weird "Bart's 19, Ryley's 26" mentality.

like an example off the top of my head would be like, saying you cant ship nathan drake with chloe because they show nate as a kid a couple of times. kind of arbitrary.

but on the other hand, yeah, i guess this ship is founded on bart's 19 year old personality. which is weird at face value now that im thinking about it. but even then, ryley doesn't have a personality to begin with, outside survival knowledge. and bart clearly isn't some super naive child; he goes through some massive maturing character development just over the span of the months the degasi were all alive. bart can clearly take care of himself and speak up on problems, and we don't know if he had another birthday after the crash or not. we don't know exactly how long the degasi were there! or how long they had been in space prior! bart could have been 20 when he died, he was definitely an adult by that point. young, but cmon.

if anybody is shipping bart in degasi era, where he's like explicitly 19, ie shipping him with marg, then YEAH thats obviously a problem. but ryley/bart is, in my experience, almost always written in a bart lives story where he spends 10 more years maturing before being introduced to ryley.

they're,,,, they're the same age. almost always, if theres some odd story out there making it not always, expressly written where bart is nearly 30, making him typically older than ryley. the central idea with this person's take is that bart is not, and should not, be written as his Recent Post-Crash self. bart is Post Reaper Incident, and gets added several more years on top of that. i think it's a misconstruction on the lore/fandom ideas of ages, but otherwise not a horrible thing to point out ig??

(some of the bart ships DEFINITELY NEED TO BE LOOKED INTO. ryley is like, the most tame option, and thankfully why its likely the most popular!)

[queerstudiesnatural]

i was tagged by frank @soupstiel thank you wormstie <3

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to get to know better.

name: rain

star sign: taurus

height: 5'4 / 1.64 m

time: 1:45 am

birthday: may 10th we had a party

favourite bands/artists: see the thing about me is that i don’t feel shame. taylor swift, louis tomlinson, 5sos, luke hemmings, hozier. glee cast.

last movie: dancing queens, it’s a swedish movie about a girl who introduces herself as a boy to be able to dance with a group of drag queens. the dancing wasn’t amazing but the gay people were. leave it to scandinavian movies to give you actually realistic queer characters (or like, characters in general tbh). 

last show: currently watching good witch, and i liked the gilmore girls vibes at first but now i’m halfway through and i’m kinda bored tbh. cassie is my ideal woman though. 

when did i create this blog: september 2021 but i’ve had my main for 10 years

what i post: here u go

last thing i googled: “rrr movie” because that’s what frank said he watched and i thought he was talking about the french movie by that name but his description of it didn’t match so i looked it up and apparently it’s a different movie. the french movie is called rrrrrrr. hilarious movie if you understand french. 

other blogs: my main is @ghost-roads and i have lots of old side-blogs for old hyperfixations that i don’t use anymore but haven’t deleted bc i’m a hoarder

do i get asks?: sometimes. not enough :( i wanna hear from u guys! 

following: 1010 apparently. that’s too many. in my defense i do have several blogs. but i might need to do a bit of a cleanse bc the dash has become A Lot

average hours of sleep: 6 which is soooo not enough for me

instruments: um. a lot. my main instrument is the viol (or viola da gamba) but i also play the recorder, guitar, piano, harpsichord, and then i can find my way around a cello, a double bass, most percussion instruments, and i just bought a violin so i’m gonna try to learn that next. oh and voice.

what im wearing: a floor length flowery dress hashtag summer

dream job: tbh, what i already do (music teacher) but like. less underpaid.

dream trip: not much of a traveller, but i would like to visit more european countries, but not by myself. i need a travel companion otherwise i won’t enjoy myself

nationality: no comment

favourite songs: that’s difficult because when i like an artist i’m usually obsessed with their entire discography and it’s hard to pick favourites. so here are some songs that are iconic to me personally, but that isn’t to say i don’t also like other songs just as much. would you come home by tyler blackburn. long live by taylor swift. the night we met by lord huron. starting line by luke hemmings. movement by hozier.

last book i’ve read: good thing i know no shame. new moon from the twilight saga, which i finished almost a year ago and had been reading for the past three years. yeah

top 3 fictional universes i’d like to live in: stars hollow from gilmore girls. middleton from good witch. and the shire from lotr. i realise those are places inside the universes in question but i mean if i were to live in those universes i’d have to pick a place and well i pick those places specifically. also yes i do just wanna live in a small town where everyone is friends and nothing bad happens.

i’m pretty sure that wasn’t 30 questions lol. i’m not gonna tag 20 people either so i guess fuck the rules. 

tagging the besties, sorry if you’re already been tagged, and of course there’s no pressure to actually do this <3

@sarcasmisalifechoice @roublardise @knifelesbianjo @girlbossdean @lesbianjoannaharvelle @charlie-bradbury @supersapphical @michaelcoded @dylfnatural @angelsdean @freakwiththeknifecollection

[inskz]

lucky charm - lee minho

pairing - lee minho x reader

genre - college!au, best friends to lovers, very cliche fluff (lucky girl starring lindsey lohan kinda vibes???)

words - 4k

note - this is just a cute little drabble i wrote while im still waiting for my covid test results to come back so that i can leave my room and see the sun again 🤪 pls be careful everybody take care of your health 💚 enjoy!!!

- - - - -

“You must be kidding me,” you sigh when you see Minho’s hand has turned into a fist, his rock crushing miserably your scissors. Once again, you lost at rock, paper, scissors. And once again, you’re the one that is going to wash your best friend’s dishes that have piled up in is tiny kitchen sink throughout the week.

“Fuck that. This is so unfair,” you grumble, throwing the dishtowel in Minho’s stupid yet perfectly chiseled face.

You make a beeline for his bed, which is actually only a few steps away from the kitchen. Being a broke college student definitely doesn’t allow him to rent a spacious studio, let alone a two-room apartment. You throw yourself headfirst onto his uncomfortable mattress, whose springs always poke your back at night.

“Life is so unfair,” your friend mocks you, dragging out every vowel of his sentence dramatically.

No doubt, you would be strangling him at that very moment if you weren’t so busy playing dead, hoping he would forget about your pitiful existence.

But there is no way mister Lee Minho would miss out on an opportunity to have his gross plates cleaned by someone else. Grabbing onto your ankle, he drags you out of bed until you plop down on the dirty carpeted floor (Minho has the unfortunate tendency to procrastinate vacuuming too). At this point, you are fake crying, throwing a literal tantrum, like a 6 years old child would.

“Life is unfair!” you yell, your feet kicking in the air in pure anger.

At least it is to you. You can’t remember the last time you’ve been lucky. The only instance you got remotely close to it was when you found a four-leaf clover last summer. Well, only if you disregard the fact you stepped into dog poop  on your way to picking it. Oh and that you were wearing brand new white Converse. 

On the other hand, it seems like the boy has the whole crew of the Olympus gods on his side. Not one day goes by without his guardian angel manifesting its presence. 

Minho has always been the lucky type. The type to get an extra nugget in his box of 10. To find 20 dollars bills on the ground. To win every single Instagram giveaway he participates to (and lord knows how much he likes participating to them). 

But how can you be mad at him when he always happily shares his food with you, invites you to the restaurant without you even asking, and gives you his prizes, pretending he doesn’t need them? You don’t believe him when he says he see no use in a panda onesie or a waterproof bluetooth speaker. Deep down, you know it’s his way to silently love you. 

But well, you can still blame him for occasionally taking advantage of your misfortune to make you do his dreaded house chores, just like right now. 

Everyone thinks you are a bizarre duo. Even you can’t fathom how in hell you two became best friends, considering how awfully your first encounter went three years ago. 

On orientation day, he asked you for the time, probably because his phone was dead (or maybe because he was dying to talk to you?)

Without hesitation, you lifted and rotated your wrist so that you could see your watch. Little did you remember; you never actually owned a watch and you were holding a fancy 7 dollars iced coffee, which, of course, did not have a lid on because plastic is bad for the environment (duh). 

Minho couldn’t help but burst out in hysterical laughter when the whole drink spilled on your jeans. For your defense, you didn’t sleep at all the night before  since you were terrified of being alone in your new dorm room the first few days (weird stuff happens all the time in dorms, okay?). If he had asked you for your name, you probably wouldn’t even have been able to tell him. 

But Minho thought you were the funniest person on campus, and he really needed a clown like you to entertain him throughout his endless college semesters. That’s what he told you anyways. Not that he thought you were the cutest human being he had ever seen. 

Why would he when you are the literal definition of a mess: always having toothpaste stains on your sweater, bags under your eyes, messy hair, tripping and falling, missing buses, breaking things, losing stuff. 

Most of the time, you just forget your keys and Minho lets you crash at his place since he hasn’t got any roommate and he isn’t used to sleeping alone, especially without his cats. It surely isn’t because he loves waking up next to a very groggy but adorable you every single morning, no.  

Minho manages to bring you back to the countertop despite your reluctance. Positioned behind you, his arms trapping your body to make sure you can’t run away from your duties, he dips your hands into the soapy water, and you can’t help but squirm at the touch of an unknown substance sticking to a plate that has probably been soaking here for a week. You despise doing the dishes and your friend knows it.

You hear him giggle in your ear while he is playing with your arms like you are some type of marionette, making you to take the sponge and squeeze dish soap onto it. 

You’ve never been the kind to like proximity nor seemed to be Minho, but for some reason, you always end up glued to each other. You hate public displays of attention and pet names a little less when it comes from him. Or maybe you don’t hate it at all and actually crave it every single minute that goes by.

Before he has the time to come up with the Machiavellian idea to soak your pajamas in dirty water (because you know he would inevitably have at some point), you yank his hands off of you and start scrubbing angrily the dirty cups. 

Minho stays behind you anyways, observing your every move, his chin propped up on your shoulder like a curious little bird. To be honest, his presence is kind of getting overwhelming. But whatever, it’s not like his slightest touch makes your heart warm up in comfort or that he smells like fresh linen drying out on the porch of a cottage house on a sunny Sunday morning or anything. 

“You missed a spot. Here” he murmurs teasingly, his lips almost touching your earlobe, while he points at the handle of his hideous ‘world’s greatest dad’ mug Jisung gifted him last christmas. 

You know he has noticed the way you shivered violently at the feeling of his breath tickling your skin because he starts snickering loudly. 

“I swear to god if you don’t shut up and go seat on the couch, I’ll slap you so hard with this spatula you’ll regret you were even born,” you say, turning around suddenly to menace him with the plastic utensil. 

Of course, he isn’t afraid one bit. Right now, you really wish you could make the smug, but oh so attractive, look on his face disappear. 

“Alright, ma’am” he laughs, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’ll let you do your thing”. He lets himself fall onto his dingy couch. 

You can hear him humming one of his favorite songs above the sound of the water running. It would probably be getting on your nerves if his voice wasn’t so pretty.  

“Chan’s sick, so we’re not going to the gym tomorrow night. Do you wanna eat tacos? El Huero has even better deals than usual” he asks you, scrolling mindlessly through his phone. 

“Aren’t the deals supposed to be on Tuesdays?” You frown and scrub a little harder the frying pan Minho has burnt the night before while trying to make chocolate chips pancakes for diner, because why eat savory food when you can have dessert for every meal, right? It is one of the few advantages of living without your parents you both truly enjoy. 

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Tomorrow,” he yawns, probably exhausted after what you put him through last night. You forced him to catch up on the entire season of Love Island because you desperately needed someone to bitch with, and what better partner than Lee Minho.  

You take a quick glance at him and see him stretching himself across the cushions like a cat. You always thought there was something feline about his features. While you’re drying the mugs with the dishtowel, your mind wanders uncontrollably, thinking about his piercing eyes, his delicate nose, the corners of his lips that curl up a little… 

All of the sudden, your hands freeze. Minho is too immersed in TikToks to notice the stupor on your face. “Wait. Today is… Monday?” you stutter. 

Alarmed by the sound of your voice, his eyes finally leave his phone’s screen to look up at you. “Yeah” he repeats slowly as if you are the dumbest person he has ever encountered. 

And you truly are. You are pretty sure your heart has stopped beating. Minho’s “world’s greatest dad” mug you’re holding slips between your fingers and comes crashing on the floor with a deafening sound. The pieces are now scattered all around you, making you unable to make out what’s written on it anymore. Not a big loss, if you ask. 

“Y/N, you know that’s my favorite mug!” he exclaims, leaping up from the couch. “I’m sure you did it on purpose,” he mutters while he’s trying to collect the small fragments, in vain. 

But you’re too shocked at this very moment to pay attention to the glare your friend is giving you. To be honest, Minho has only two moods: glaring at you or teasing you.  

“My interview,” you finally manage to say, and Minho’s eyes go wide as he realizes the critical situation you’re in. 

You check the time on the microwave: 10:45. In 30 minutes, you’re supposed to be on the other side of town, being interrogated by boring businessmen that are going to decide whether or not you’ll be accepted for a paid internship in one of the most reputable music label of the country. Basically, decide whether you’ll live a happy and fulfilling life, working in the sector you’ve always dreamed of or end up miserable with a boring office job and a massive college debt. 

“Holy shit,” Minho whispers. You can see a wave of panic washing across his face for a split second, but, as always, he manages to find his composure back immediately. 

He has never been the kind to lose his cool, except to scold you when you forget the names of his cats and their respective coats’ color (which you unfortunately often did forget). 

“What are you doing? Get dressed!” He tells you when he sees you’re still standing there dumbfounded in the kitchen, like the famous Robert Pattinson meme, wearing an oversize Kermit the frog shirt with a dozen holes in it and his favorite Adidas sweatpants you always stole from him.

“No, it’s too late. I can’t make it,” you mutter, your breath short. You’re paralyzed, as if there is a 20lbs rock sitting at the bottom of your stomach, pinning you to the ground. 

This isn’t bad luck, you think. This is karma. This is what you get for skipping classes to watch telereality shows in your bed with your best friend and not even realizing it isn’t the weekend anymore.

“Miss me with that bullshit.” He runs to his closet and rummages through his drawers, throwing every piece of clothing that’s on his way to find an appropriate outfit that would fit you. 

“You’re gonna go do this interview even if I have to drag you all the way there.” He pushes you into his bathroom since you still haven’t moved an inch. 

You manage to brush your teeth and your hair, fighting through the nauseous feeling that is building up in your tummy. 

When you come back to the living room, Minho has found dress pants and a sweater that might not look utterly ridiculous on you. He lets you change in a corner, while he runs around the room collecting all your essentials. 

“You’re coming?” you ask him when you see he is already wearing his puffer jacket.  

“You really think I’m gonna let you go all by yourself when you’re literally not even able to put your shoes on properly”. You are, indeed, struggling with your laces, as if your fingers are suddenly made out of butter. 

Minho ties them up for you and you literally feel like he’s your babysitter. You know you’re gonna hear about this for months – what are you saying- years! But all you can think about at the moment though, is the fact that sneakers are definitely not appropriate for an interview. 

He throws your warmest coat at you, grab his keys, and by some type of miracle, you’re both out to the door in less than 10 minutes. 

You try to call the elevator, but Minho grabs your arm and leads you to the staircase. His hand never leaving yours, he runs down the stairs and you have no choice but to follow him as fast as you can. 

You can’t count how many times you missed a step and fell at this particularly slippery spot, between the 5th and the 4th floor, but weirdly enough, it doesn’t happen today. 

When you finally reach the ground floor, you exit the complex and Minho hops on his old and rusty bike that he had attached to nearest tree the night before.

“There’s no way I’m riding behind you on this death machine,” you laugh nervously. The memory of that one time Minho convinced you to seat into his bicycle basket (as if you could even realistically fit in it) and you both fell seconds after he started to pedal is coming back to your mind.

Sure, it was after a long night of drinking, you were both tipsy and it was the only way to get you home since you had spent all your uber money at the bar, but still! You’re pretty sure the bruise on your butt hasn’t disappeared to this day.  

“Hurry up,” Minho groans, ignoring your complaint. You unwillingly seat on his flimsy pannier rack and wrap your arms around his torso. 

You haven’t even left, yet you’re already holding onto his puffer jacket for dear life. A giggle escapes your friend’s mouth (which you think is very inappropriate in such a desperate situation) before he lifts his feet off the ground and starts pedaling. 

You try to ignore the loud squeaking of the bicycle drive by shutting your eyes tighter and rehearsing your introduction you have prepared over and over in your head. No matter how hard you are trying, you can’t remember what you are supposed to say just after your age (which, as you can imagine, isn’t really far into your monologue). 

By the way the wind is lashing your face, you can tell Minho has picked up the speed. His breathing is getting louder, his heartbeat faster and you can’t help but think you’re probably way too heavy for him to bike you around like that. Maybe he shouldn’t skip his gym sessions with Chan so often. Or maybe you shouldn’t have eaten the leftover pancakes for breakfast after all.

You find the courage to open your eyelids and are pleased to see you’re already halfway there, probably because every single one of the traffic lights you encounter is green, and your friend is going surprisingly fast. Is luck finally starting to smile upon you? 

Your mad race comes to a halt when you reach the address of your interview. You hop off the bike and so does Minho who, by the way, is a panting mess. He’s barely able to catch his breath, strands of hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, but he’s beaming at you when he realizes you’re just on time. 

“Go” he gasps, pushing you in the direction of the building’s hall. 

You walk up to the glass door but as your hands are about to push it, you pull a 180. Your friend sighs loudly, already knowing what’s coming next. 

“Wait. No. I can’t do this. I’m not prepared” you tell him frantically. “I’m freaking out. I think I’m gonna pass out.” You are now walking in circles, mumbling incoherently. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” 

Your heart is racing in your chest and your hands are getting clammy at the simple thought of failure. But guess what? You can’t fail if you don’t even try! One more good reason to just go back to bed and forget about your sad life for a good 8 hours, right? 

“Y/N, you’re the most talented person I know, you’re gonna do just fine” Minho catches you in his arm to stop your endless pacing. You would probably think this gesture is endearing if it wasn’t just meant to make sure you couldn’t run for your life.  

“No, I’m not. What if I throw up in front of everybody like that one time during the Romeo and Juliet musical?” You look up at him and his face is only inches away from yours. You’re sure you would be swooning at how beautiful he looks if you weren’t so terrified at this very moment.

“You were nine,” your best friend says, and you swear you have never heard him speak to you in such a sweet tone before. His voice is like honey and lavander but it doesn’t soothe you like it should. 

You manage to break free from his embrace to crouch down, in an attempt to slow down your breathing. If only you had data left, you could be watching those short relaxing videos on your phone. They always work. But no, you had to spent it all on online games, just one week into the month. You really are beyond help.  

“Y/N I know you’re scared, but if you miss out on this opportunity, you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.” Minho is lowering himself so that you can hear him, even though you’re curled up in a ball. 

“And I’m warning you, I won’t want to hear you complain about it,” he adds, this whole situation obviously starting to get on his nerves. 

If you were him, you would have probably left a long time ago. But this isn’t your best friend’s way of behaving. You know he would never abandon you no matter how annoying you could be (and you could be very annoying sometimes). After all, he is always the one holding your hair while you puke in the toilets when you had a couple too many drinks.

It takes all your willpower to stand up but there is no other way, you have to do it. You can hear the time ticking dangerously in your mind, as if your brain had turned into a clock.

“You’re right. Slap me,” you say, looking at him straight in the eyes, dead serious. 

“Wha -“

“Slap some sense into me. They do that in movies when people are panicking. It’s like throwing a bucket of cold water in someone’s face. But clearly we don’t have a bucket and we don’t have cold wa- “ you start blabbering. 

“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not gonna slap you!” Your friend isn’t usually that horrified at the thought of beating your ass. In fact, he has felt the desire to rip your head off more than once, especially when you’d steal all the duvet at night, but at this moment he is just scared you might have actually lost your mind.  

“Just fucking do it Minho!” you scream, your hands clenching the front of his grey hoodie he always looks so divine in. 

Minho has never obeyed you, and this is not the day he is going to start. 

He puts both of his hands on the sides of your face and crashes his lips onto yours. 

You would be lying if you said you have never imagined the day your best friend would kiss you. It happens pretty much every single time you look at his cute pout a little too long. But one thing is certain, it isn’t like you pictured it to be at all.

You were convinced your heart would go so wild it would burst out of your chest and your head would spin so furiously you’d lose your balance. You thought your stomach would fill with butterflies to the brim and your whole body would be on fire.

But none of that is happening. On the contrary, every single muscle in your body relaxes under his touch. The way his soft mouth presses gently against yours makes you calmer, almost at peace amongst all this turmoil. 

Minho is kissing all your tension and stress away and you catch yourself letting a sigh of relief escape your parted lips.

As if you have kissed him already hundreds of times in your past life, Minho feels like home. He’s a safe haven you can always take refuge in during troubled times. Ever since the day you met, he has never left your side.

When he breaks away from the kiss, you notice your breath isn’t so ragged and your mind isn’t so foggy anymore. You’re serene. His cold hands are still cupping your face, slightly squishing your cheeks, and you feel like an idiot sandwich for asking him to slap you seconds before.

“That can work too, I guess…” you mutter.  

“You’re okay?” he asks, staring at you with the softest eyes you’ve ever seen.

You just nod, unable to say one more word, and sprint to the entrance, not wanting to make your interviewers wait any longer than they already have.

“Good luck!” You hear him yell just before the door closes behind you and you can’t help but grin from ear to ear.

- - - - - 

Thirty minutes later, you finally step out of the fancy lobby to find a very bored Minho leaning against a tree, patiently waiting for you.

“You’re still here?”

“Of course, I am,” he says, his mouth full of croissant. He gives you a large iced coffee he probably went buying to kill time. Your lips unconsciously curl up into a smile when you notice it comes from the same chain that the one you spilled on your lap on the day you first met him. 

“How did it go?” he asks you, sticking his buttery pastry into your mouth so that you can take a bite.

“Way better than I thought” you answer, right after you swallowed. You hate the way flakes would always get stuck between your teeth. But Minho is always there to warn you about it before anyone else notices, and even pick them for you if you can’t manage to, which, when you think about it, is kind of gross. 

There are two things the boy knows about you: you’re the greatest pessimist on earth and you’d rather die than admit you were wrong (especially if it meant he was right). So for you to even say it wasn’t that bad, means it went phenomenal. 

“I don’t want to say ‘I told you so’ but I told you so.” He smiles so wide you can barely see his eyes anymore. You have to look away, otherwise you know you might become instantly blinded by love.

“Maybe I could use some more of your luck” you mumble, staring at your shoes and kicking the red leaves that were surrounding your feet on this sunny autumn morning. 

“Really? And what makes you think I’ll share it with you,” he teases you, leaning forward to incite you to look at him in the eyes. 

“That.”

Your hand finds the back of his neck and pulls him in, in order to close the space that is still left between your mouths.

At first, Minho stiffens, taken aback by your bold move. But soon enough, he caves into your touch. He kisses you back fervently, like he means it. 

His fingers entagle in your hair, his arm wraps around your waist and his chest presses against your body. You’re melting in his embrace, submerged by a wave of bliss which he alone seems to know the recipe. 

It feels new, yet so familiar. Like it was supposed to happen, like it was written in the stars. 

He tastes like croissant and Americano. Like fortune and fate. 

And you can’t help but think you’re the luckiest person on earth.

Who cares about winning the lottery when Lee Minho is your lucky charm?