#like. all my life i've been so lonely. all in the name of being holy. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ltghosty · 2 years ago

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Rapacious (Simon "Ghost" Riley ﾒ Female "Cobra" Sergeant)

A/N: After the blow up my previous one-shot, 'Violation', got, I can't thank you guys enough for the love and the feedback I've been getting. Thank you so much. <3

Summary: Ghost finds out that you've been sleeping with Roach just when he started to have feelings for you and confronts you

Warnings: strong language, angst

Wordcount: 8.3k (holy moly, somebody stop me, this is getting out of hand)

(Also I've been playing with the thought of writing Alejandro one-shots because that Vaquero is all over my feed again, not that I'm complaining tho)

Happy name day to me :)

”Well, someone has to be hurting at the end of the day, right?” Ghost tried to pull it off as a joke but his eyes betrayed him.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson was the only one who could get really close to you without having his head blown off. Which was an ironic thing compared to the first time you had met him two years ago. He and Ghost were the least sympathetic members of Task Force 141.

Ghost was cold and distant, barely acknowledging your existence. It didn’t take you a lot of time to put the pieces together that stood behind his actions. He was the type of person who’d rather push everyone away than build an honest relationship with anyone.

Not that you couldn’t understand his way of thinking. You were living a dangerous life where any mission could be your last one. It was both thrilling and scary. One minute you might have the upper hand with a smile on your face and then everything would fall apart if you were too late.

A lonely bullet penetrating to a certain part of your body that would drag you through hell before tearing your soul away from your body…

Not being careful enough and practically running into your death without the slightest suspicion in your head. You could be fine, then in the next second, pieces of your body – meat, blood, bones – would go out of curl on the ceiling and blemish the ground.

You always wondered how would you go out someday. Not that you desired to die, more the opposite, actually. But sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder what fate life was about to give you maybe tomorrow, a week from now, or when you would be fifty years old.

Roach wasn’t interested in his possible endgame. If there was someone who wasn’t afraid to use his head and voice at the same time, it was him. Roach was smart and an excellent fighter. He’d spend hours to days working out, pushing his own limits until he was barely able to stand on his own.

You wondered if his past has got to do anything with his compulsion to conform. Roach’s personality was raw and honest. Sometimes it caused an unpleasant conflict between the Brit and you because you weren’t used to talking to someone who was that complex and straight with everyone.

When he first met you, he told you that if he’d ever met you outside the base, not wearing the uniform but normal clothes, he’d have never guessed that behind the beautiful eyes and kind smile a determined and deadly soldier was hiding in plain sight.

You couldn’t explain why but you felt embarrassed by Roach’s statement which wasn’t an insult but still felt like one to you. You could spend hours overthinking and analyzing what Roach had told you and it would only spice you up even more.

From that point, you were working extra hard on missions to show him what kind of soldier you really were. Needless to say, Roach was impressed by your tactics each time you showed him something new. And that made you proud of yourself.

It was puzzling how annoying Roach could be but you knew he’d take a bullet for you without hesitation.

Before you realized it, you two were always around each other. After a lonely night that ended in cuddles, once you’d told him about your nightmare, you grew to like him.

The only time you weren’t that comfortable around him was if anyone could see you two being close to each other. Even if it was only an innocent hug or an arm over your shoulders.

Especially around Ghost.

He didn’t need to open his mouth to startle you. He was muscular and his eyes always pierced through your soul. It made you feel like he knew something you always wanted to keep hidden.

It was fascinating how much power Ghost was able to hold. Compared to you, he was a tower and he could slam you to the ground with one fast move.

You saw Ghost and Roach train once at the gym back at the base while Soap taught you a few new moves.

You had to stop in your movements when you saw Roach’s face. You’d never seen him fight with his fists, he usually fought his wars with guns and bombs on the field. He looked completely different once he’d grown serious and stepped into the ring. He was shorter than Ghost but that didn’t make him back down.

That was when you knew things would get serious. Roach could be surprisingly fast and violent.

After long minutes of struggles, grunts, punches, and dodging, it looked like Roach had the upper hand but with one shift movement, Ghost tore Roach’s hand behind, grabbed his waist, and threw him to the ground.

You were so horrified by the weight of their punches that Soap had to reassure you about Roach’s well-being. ”They always train like that.”

After swallowing your worry, you couldn’t help but tease Roach about his defeat.

”It’s your fault that I lost,” Roach said with sparkling eyes. You couldn’t help but stare at his sweaty appearance.

The way his hair was wet but messy and his shirt tightened around his athletic torso. It was a sight you wished to see more often.

”Why?” You asked with a smile.

”Because he doesn’t want to admit that Lt. kicked his ass, so he tries to blame it on someone else,” Soap joined you two as he wiped his sweat down with a towel.

Roach’s eyes narrowed and he hit Soap’s stomach, earning a grunt from the Scot.

”Can’t help but stare at Cobra’s beauty whenever I can.”

You raised an eyebrow at his compliment, trying to brush your blush off.

”Even during training?”

Roach sighed and looked down at you. He found it extremely attractive when you wore leggings and a short-sleeved top that left your stomach uncovered.

”Especially during training,” Roach winked at you and butterflies started to awaken in your stomach.

Ghost however wasn’t keen on listening to Roach flirting with you. Not only because it wasn’t his business but also because his chest tightened at the thought of you liking Roach’s compliments.

He dragged his hand across his shoulders as he made his way toward the changing rooms, however, it was impossible for him to ignore you three since you were standing in the way.

”You are a sight for sore eyes, after all, Cobra.” Roach joked and you huffed then shook your head.

”Am I now?”

Roach tilted his head to the side, his wet hair falling into his eyes that never left you.

”You always were.”

You felt blood rush into your face as you bit into your lower lip. You didn’t handle compliments really well but you didn’t want Roach to think you weren’t grateful for his kind words.

It’s been a long time since you got a compliment. And it was usually from some random guy at a pub where you’d always go to chase your loneliness away after departing.

It was different to hear those words coming from someone whom you have known for years.

”Stop terrorizing her, Roach.” Ghost’s raspy voice caught your attention as he approached you.

Roach gave him a side look, ”It’s not terrorizing if she likes it.”

Ghost narrowed his eyes before they landed on you. You almost believed he needed an approvement of you that Roach was right which didn’t sit well with you at all.

You liked the attention Roach was giving you but you didn’t want to admit that to either Ghost or Soap.

You didn’t want to build a conflict between them. It almost seemed like Roach and Ghost had been friends for all of their lives.

”Don’t be so sure about that,” Ghost murmured and Roach crossed his arms.

”I’m pretty sure she would have kicked my ass already if she despised me.”

You started to pick on your fingernails the more nervous you became. Soap gave you a questioning look but all you did was shrug. You tried to ignore the tension that has cut through the air like a knife.

You dragged your eyes across the men standing around you like guardians, suddenly feeling small and exposed. You didn’t know what to say anymore.

That was when you noticed the blood that was drooling down on Ghost’s arm.

”Ghost, your arm.” Your eyes widened and everyone looked at the tall man examining his injury. Was Roach this hard on him during the fight?

When Ghost glanced down at you for a brief moment and saw the terror in your eyes, he only sniffed as if it was nothing.

”That’s not new, must have scratched it open.” Ghost said flatly and you sighed.

”I’m sorry, Ghost.” Roach flinched at the ripped scar, guilt filling his eyes.

Ghost took a deep breath and patted Roach’s back with his left hand, ”Don’t be sorry, Gary. I’d be angry if you would have gone too easy on me because of my scar.”

Roach gave him a short nod but he couldn’t hide the guilt that was darkening his eyes.

Ghost shook it off as if it was nothing and bumped his fist into Roach’s shoulder as he walked around you and left the gym.

”How bad do you think it is?” You asked as your eyes followed Ghost’s figure until it disappeared around the corner.

”You know Ghost,” Soap said. ”If his arm was torn off he’d still say he’s fine. I’m sure he’ll be all right.”

You almost smiled at the comedic relief Soap had given you. However, you couldn’t help but worry if he’d get an infection.

”I’ll go check on him, just to be sure,” you let them know and followed Ghost.

The changing room was empty and silent. You almost thought he wasn’t here anymore but suddenly, you heard a bit back grunt that you already were familiar with. Walking around the lockers, you saw Ghost sitting on a bench, wiping his blood off with a cloth that’s already turned crimson, losing its original color.

Of course, he heard your footsteps. That man could almost hear everything even during an explosion. His ears were as sharp as a bat’s.

He looked up and when he saw you, you could see the surprise that took over his eyes before he pushed his feelings away.

”Are you okay?” You asked, your voice small.

Ghost’s heart leaped at the vulnerability in your tone. He wouldn’t have thought that you’d ever be worried for him. Hence, you barely acknowledged his presence not only on the missions but also here at the base. He’d always thought that you hated him by the cold looks you were giving him.

And now here you were, leaving your audience behind, worried for him.

”I’ll live,” he cleared his throat.

You chewed on the inside of your cheek before letting out a shaky breath. Even when taking care of himself, you still found him intimidating.

”Mind if I take a look?”

He looked up at you in suspicion. ”Didn’t know you were a medic.”

You clicked your tongue as you shrugged. ”I always took care of my bruised knee when I was seven, so that should tell you something about my medical knowledge.”

Ghost scoffed to hide the laughter that tried to escape from him. He often found himself trying to be softer when you were around and he didn’t like how complicated you made him. He didn’t know how to act around the thoughts you awakened in him.

He guided you toward him and you swallowed before closing the distance between you two.

His eyes were glued to you the entire time as you took the last step and slowly knelt down in front of him. His closeness burnt your face like a burning iron and suddenly you were paralyzed.

If you weren’t afraid of him then why were you this nervous around him? Especially when you were alone with him?

You always tried to get away from situations where you’d be paired up with him because you didn’t want to disappoint him. There was a reason he has been a lieutenant for many years now and that also meant he was extremely trained and experienced.

Focusing on the blood that was trailing down his arm, you reached out and took it into your hands.

Meanwhile, Ghost couldn’t help but wonder how smart your hands were compared to his. It was almost like two different worlds were crossing each other’s borders. Your touch was soft which was something he hadn’t felt in years.

Even on your knees, Ghost was still hovering over you as you wiped the blood down to get a better look at on his opened scar. It didn’t look too bad but you didn’t want to believe he wasn’t in pain.

”Well, you won’t die, that’s for sure,” you said, breaking the silence.

Ghost almost smiled at your statement, ”You would be one hell of a doctor, Cobra.”

You looked up at him, feeling your cheeks warm up as his eyes bore into you.

”Chose the wrong career, I see.” You played along as you grabbed the bandage he already placed down next to him.

Starting to bandage his veiny arm, you still felt his gaze grazing over you.

”You ever thought of getting a normal job?”

You shrugged, ”Normal as in not killing other people and getting intel by torturing others?”

Ghost nodded.

”I wouldn’t want anything else,” you admitted. ”Without being in special forces, I might have ended up killing my neighbor a long time ago.”

Ghost was surprised to hear your dark humor crawling the surface.

”Are they that annoying?”

”And he hates women.”

”You are allowed to neutralize him then,” Ghost answered and you smiled.

The silence that fell on you two was no longer tense or sharp, it was comfortable and peaceful which was something you never experienced with Ghost before.

”You are a good sergeant, Cobra.” Ghost said, his voice quiet.

His words surprised you. You stole a glance from him, expecting to see smugness in his eyes to let you know that he was only joking but you found none of it.

Instead, you were faced with comfort.

”I’m everything but good, Lieutenant.” You said firmly and dropped your gaze. Only if he knew how much his words meant to you. You never found yourself good enough your entire life and hearing your lieutenant say this opened your heart in a way you would have never thought was possible.

”Why would you say that?”

You licked your lips, avoiding his eyes.

”Because I make mistakes quite often.”

”Like all of us.” Ghost replied.

You softly shook your head. ”Everyone but you.”

Ghost remained in silence as your words sunk in. You might have been right but you also didn’t know the amount of work and pain that made him want to be this excellent at his job. He learned the hard way how mistakes could affect someone’s life and all he wanted to do was never letting himself down ever again.

”Mistakes will help you learn.” Ghost said. ”I’ve seen what you can do, don’t you even think to underestimate yourself.”

”Yes, sir.” you nodded and Ghost’s chest warmed up a little.

He studied your peaceful face for a moment wondering if you were always this beautiful. He found himself daydreaming about how good it would feel to lay next to you and let your head rest on his heart. The heart that hasn’t been this alive for a long time.

His own thoughts were startling him because it’s been years since he had craved someone’s closeness this much. There was a time when you got shot during a mission and his heart was about to rip his chest into two, he didn’t know how much you had grown on him until he almost lost you. His thoughts were more than desperate when he helped you to exfil, little did you know that he wasn’t only reassuring you that he’d get you to safety but also himself.

And the worst thing was that he somehow, after all this time, caused you to always put distance between the two of you which saddened him each time he saw you turn away from him.

”What is it with Roach nowadays?” Ghost asked and you blinked.

”What do you mean?”

Ghost tried to ignore the solid pain in his chest as he remembered how flirtatious Roach has become around you. He also wished he could give voice to his thoughts as much as Roach could, maybe then you wouldn’t try to run away from him.

”He follows you everywhere like a fucking puppy,” he explained and you let yourself smile a little. ”And he doesn’t seem to be able to shut up anytime soon.”

”We got to know each other a little better lately,” you said, focusing on the bandage.

Ghost’s shoulders tensed as your words played over and over in his head like an alarm.

”Are you two together or something?” he asked, hoping your answer would be no. He wouldn’t know what to do or how to react if he’d find out that you’d been with his best friend all along.

You jerked up, your hands freezing around Ghost’s arm. When you looked up at him and saw how intense his eyes were while waiting for your answer. You knew any kind of relationship would have consequences within the team.

You shouldn’t tell him that you once imagined how your life would change if there was something more between you and Roach. You didn’t need to hear the speech that had been burnt into your brain on day one when you joined Task Force 141.

”No, of course not,” your eyes bored into his as you tried to sound confident.

Something flashed through Ghost’s eyes like a rumble of thunder but disappeared quickly.

Finishing his bandage, you tightened your fingers around his arm, just to make sure it was in its place. Putting the rest of it away, you stood up and were ready to leave.

”Just change it before you go to sleep,” you said. ”If you need help, you know where I’ll be.”

As you stood up, getting the higher ground physically, Ghost’s good arm reached out and grabbed your wrist before you could step away from him.

The breath caught in your throat as you felt his fingers caging your wrist. You thought you angered him with something but when you gave him a questioning look, he only looked back at you with softness.

”Thank you, Cobra.” His words shook you to the core and your mouth went dry. You didn’t know why but his words had more effect on you than they should have. And you didn’t know what to do with that realization.

”It’s nothing.” You shrugged and pulled your hand out of his grasp. You didn’t dare look at him again, so you quickly turned on your wheel and walked out like a teenage girl who did something embarrassing and wanted to get away from the attention she was getting.

----

Only Ghost didn’t find you in your room later that night.

He had some struggles, trying to change his bandage, mostly because his left hand automatically stopped once pain shocked through his right lower arm and he knew he needed another hand.

He was confused because he specifically remembered that you told him you would help him change his bandage. He knew that you never left your room past nine p.m., he usually took long walks during the night once he had woken up and he had never seen you outside of your room this late.

Your absence was alerting Ghost and at first, he thought that something was wrong. When he walked down the hallway, he met Gaz who was just about to head to the showers, and asked him if he saw you.

Gaz told him that you were out with Soap and Roach which made Ghost sad, just a little bit. He didn’t want to disturb your fun time, so he headed back to his room and closed himself away from the others.

What he didn’t know was that you never returned to your room. You went to Roach’s room which was on the other side of the building. Roach made you sure that he’d be there for you if you’d have another nightmare which was more than enough for you to agree and follow him to his room.

Spending the night with a handsome man who also knew his way around women? Who would say no to that?

For a brief moment, Ghost’s intense eyes crossed your mind as you were walking next to Roach, almost stopping you in your tracks.

You couldn’t tell anyone about your little visit because you might be transferred to another unit which was the last thing you wanted to happen.

Roach didn’t waste any time undressing you after closing his door and you were more than happy to return the favor. You couldn’t keep your hands off him the entire night, especially when your bodies melted into one, breathing each other’s names in the air.

Roach was surprisingly good at sex. He knew how to please a woman and he never once missed a chance to prove that to you during that night.

His lips left invisible marks and his hands were careful but confident on you. Especially after admitting to the fact that he has been dreaming of this moment for months now.

You were in euphoria after a few hours, you also were exhausted but wanted to keep going, enjoying the way Roach has made you feel both with his body and his words.

It was only a one-time thing. At least, you made a promise to yourself about that. You were already trading on thin ice when you went to his room since anyone could have seen you. You even were disappointed in yourself that you put your job on the line.

Until Roach made you change your mind. And remembering how incredible he was in bed made you miss the way his hands felt on you.

Soon, it became more than a one-time thing. You weren’t in a relationship and Roach let you know that he’d never try to convince you to start one with him and in the end, both of you had agreed to sleep with each other from time to time.

At first, it was hard to keep as a secret, especially during missions when Roach would stare at you shamelessly and would wink at you or touch you when no one saw it. But now that it’s been about a month, you became quite the expert at keeping it a secret.

Ghost seemed to be more open and trusting with you since you followed him to the changing room and helped him change his bandage which made you feel less stressed in his presence. He definitely didn’t forget how you opened up to him and admitted to your doubts.

The more he’d say reassuring or encouraging things to you, the less you’d tried to avoid him. And now, you didn’t even have a problem with being paired up with him once in a while.

He’d always make sure that you were behind him and would teach you guerrilla tactics while cleaning the houses and engaging with terrorists.

You liked how Ghost seemed to let his guard down around you. It meant a lot to you that he trusted you more each day. You liked it so much that you started to wonder why were you always avoiding his presence in the first place. Maybe because he was the lieutenant and he could kill anyone with one move.

Yes, that part was pretty scary, you had to admit that to yourself.

Once your time was up and there were only days that isolated you from going home for a while, you didn’t go to Roach’s room that much. At first, it was weird but when you reminded yourself that anyone could see you because the others had too much time on their hands getting their things packed, you knew it was the right thing to do.

However, you were happy to join the others when they decided to go out to Soap’s favorite bar. You didn’t wear anything special other than jeans and a hoodie but Roach’s eyes still found you every once in a while.

While tracing your fingers over the edge of your glass, you focused on Soap who was telling stories about the old times before you joined the team.

”And then the next second I was bleeding out on the streets of Las Almas while Lt. had already occupied the church and kept himself warm,” Soap said and you giggled. ”He was probably laughing at my misery the whole time.”

”So, he just left you like that?” you asked with amusement.

Soap nodded and gave Ghost a side glance who was sitting next to him, still as a rock. ”He really meant it when he said he is used to working alone.”

Ghost blinked before grunting in his seat. You watched in silence as his mask moved a little with the change of his expression. ”One dead man is better than two.”

You almost laughed but when Ghost’s eyes landed on you, you tried to hide it with a cough and took a sip from your drink.

”You are heartless, Ghost.” You said with a smile and Ghost studied your face for a moment.

”I’d argue with that.”

The way he searched for your eyes made you feel exposed and touched at the same time. If there was anything you were sure about, it was the fact that Ghost was everything but heartless… Especially with you lately.

You wondered if you’d get injured and were forced to flee, would he do the same as he did to Soap back then in Las Almas? Running away and not even looking back?

For some reason, you couldn’t imagine Ghost leaving you behind.

It wouldn’t fit with the image you have built up about him over the past few weeks. The amount of time he spent making you feel involved and teaching you new useful things proved otherwise.

Perhaps, you might have grown on him a little bit.

”Simon might have grown a heart this time,” Roach grinned and downed his drink.

Ghost didn’t like the fact that his people were teasing him about his feelings but if he would have denied it then he would have made you feel like you meant nothing to him.

Simon didn’t want to admit to the fact but deep down he knew that you meant more to him than he would have expected it. The first time he met you, he thought of you like another sergeant.

But you weren’t just a sergeant anymore.

He didn’t know how to explain it but he slowly got attached to you and he didn’t know how to act on those feelings. That was why he decided to teach you new things so that he could spend more time with you and would get to know you better.

Little did you know that he remembered every little thing you mentioned to him. You might have thought that he didn’t even hear you complaining about the scope cracking on your machine gun, but he made sure you could aim perfectly, handing you the other gun that he didn’t use.

”And get this, Cobra…” Soap spoke again, pulling Ghost out of his thoughts. ”He tried to distract me and keep me alive by telling me jokes.”

You couldn’t hold your laughter back this time. And Ghost liked the sound of your genuine, happy laughter, it didn’t even bother him that you were laughing at him.

”You know jokes, Ghost?” you asked, still smiling.

He stared at your beautiful smile before his eyes found yours. ”Some. I bet you wouldn’t find them funny, army humor is a little bit dark.”

”Try me.” You rested your head on your palm, your eyes fixing on him.

Ghost found himself fidgeting under the table as you were staring at him. He would have preferred to have your undivided attention in private.

”All right…” he shifted in his seat, his gaze meeting the table. ”Why did the man miss the funeral?”

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion, not finding the right answer to his question.

”I don’t know. Why?”

”Because he wasn’t a mourning person.”

You let out a forced breath and you traced your fingers over your cheeks.

”That’s bad.” Roach said but with a smile.

Ghost looked at Roach and narrowed his eyes. ”Yes? Do you know where you’ll go after getting lost in a minefield, Sanderson?”

Roach pressed his lips together, a frown taking over his face, ”Tell me.”

”Everywhere.”

You laughed as Roach’s expression dropped while Ghost kept his eyes on him. Roach leaned back and gave you a questioning look.

”You think this is funny?”

”I think it’s hilarious.” You said, still smiling.

Ghost almost smiled at you praising his joke about Roach. Maybe he wasn’t such a stoic person after all.

”I thought we were best friends and now you’re laughing at my death?” Roach asked and touched his chest.

”I’d miss you a little.” You answered.

Roach tilted his head to the side. ”I thought I was important to you after everything that happened. I guess I was wrong.”

”Of course, you are.” You reassured him and leaned your head on his shoulders. ”But you still annoy the hell out of me.”

Soap and Gaz shared a brief laugh at your answer while Ghost tensed in his seat.

If it was anyone else, they wouldn’t have noticed the way Roach glanced down at you as you were this close to him. They wouldn’t have thought that Roach’s after everything might have had a double meaning.

And they definitely wouldn’t have noticed the dog tags falling forward what hung on your neck after you shifted.

He might have been paranoid, people with feelings could get paranoid and he might have overthought that.

Only, they weren't your dog tags.

They were Gary’s.

Ghost needed to look twice at the name carved into the metals before he felt the blood turn into ice in his veins. His stomach turned at the physical closeness you two were having at the table, not even daring to think about what else has happened between you two.

When you turned forward and were faced with Ghost’s cold eyes, you felt your heart skip a beat. You had never seen this storm raging in Simon’s eyes and you wished you could disappear into nothingness.

His eyes landed on the dog tags again and when you looked down, you realized that he knew. He didn’t need to see you two sneaking around at night or to hear you and Roach flirting with each other.

But he knew.

And you felt guilt starting to eat your heart at the disappointed look he was giving you.

You didn’t know why but sadness lightened its way through his eyes, causing you to drop your shoulders.

”And guess what…”

Whatever Soap was about to say was interrupted by Ghost’s sudden movement as he pushed himself away from the table and stormed out of the place without a word.

You felt your heart in your throat and could hear your heartbeat in your ears as you watched him walk out of the bar.

”What happened?” Gaz asked, thinking he missed something despite sitting with you and paying attention.

Soap glanced around and shrugged.

You weren’t so sure about his sudden leave either but you had a feeling that it got to do something with you, even though you hoped that wasn’t the case.

”I’ll be right back.”

Roach gave you a questioning look but didn’t stop you from following Ghost. Trying to fight your nerves and ignore the way your stomach kept doing loops, you stepped out into the chilly evening.

You crossed your arms over your chest as the cold hit you like a truck.

Ghost was not that far from you, it seemed like he was immune to the cold. Or at least that was what you guessed by taking his sight in.

His balaclava was rolled up so that he could place a cigarette between his lips. You watched him in silence as he lit his cigarette and placed the lighter into his back pocket.

”I thought you didn’t smoke.” You spoke quietly as he breathed the smoke out.

He didn’t turn around but took note of your presence. When he decided not to face you, that’s when you knew that something was off.

”You thought wrong.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat and glanced around the empty parking lot.

”That thing can kill you,” you continued as he fixed his gaze in the distance.

”Either this or a bullet, we’ll die from something eventually,” he remarked, his voice sharp.

His words took over your thoughts, forcing yours into a corner at the back of your mind. It always amazed you how much his voice could get your attention, didn’t matter how much you tried to ignore it.

”What’s going on, Ghost?” You asked, trying to fight the cold that was slowly tearing at your skin. You should have grabbed your jacket.

It took him forever to finally answer, ”Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

You knew he was lying but you didn’t know if it was a good idea to call him out and let him know that you saw through his attempt.

”Figured,” you murmured, turning away.

Ghost finally gave in to his temptation and his eyes found you when you were staring at the cars around you. He took your small figure in, wondering how a fragile woman like you could end up being an excellent sergeant.

The more he would be worried for you on missions, the more he’d panic about whether it was a good idea for him to let himself have feelings for you. And he didn’t like losing control over his emotions.

He didn’t want to like you at all but you somehow broke through the walls he had built around himself and then suddenly, you were already inside his head, consuming his thoughts and dignity.

Just when he decided to fight against you, he was about to let you into his heart willingly.

And that was when his world crashed.

”Figured what?” Ghost asked.

You sniffed, still avoiding his gaze even though it burnt your skin like fire.

”That you’d do that. Shut down, again.” You couldn’t help but feel anger fill your voice and he noticed that too.

Here you were, trying to be there for him and ask if you were the reason for his disappointment but he didn’t want to talk with you.

”If you paid attention, Cobra, that’s not a fucking surprising thing from me,” he snapped and lifted the cigarette to his lips.

”I thought we were past this,” you said with a head shake. ”And now we are back to square one.”

He glared at you, ”Tell me about it. You can’t even look at me.”

His words pushed through you like a tsunami and almost washed your anger away, leaving nothing but doubts and questions behind.

Did he know how much you tried to avoid him in the beginning? That’s what he meant by that?

”What do you want from me?” You asked, meeting his eyes. ”I came here to see if you were okay and now you have the nerve to play the victim card and turn it all back on me?”

Ghost weighed your words as you shivered after the wind touched your exposed skin. He looked down at your shaking figure, noticing how much you tried to ignore the cold even though it cut through your flesh, until your bones.

Putting the cigarette between his lips, he unzipped his jacket and stepped closer to you.

When you realized what he was about to do, you pressed your lips together and stepped back, earning a questioning look from him.

”Don’t.” You gritted your teeth as you felt your hands turn ice cold, your fingers desperately pressing into your arms.

Soon, his eyes grew almost sad as you refused his jacket. He couldn’t stand the thought of you being cold and not wanting to accept his help.

How did we get here?

”Cobra.”

To your surprise his voice wasn’t angry or demanding as you had expected it to be, your callsign falling off his lips was more of a silent plea just above the wind and it tightened your heart.

You dropped your gaze to the ground, trying to collect your thoughts as he stepped in front of you and placed his jacket around your shoulders.

You couldn’t help but move your arms through the sleeves and Ghost carefully zipped it up so that you’d be protected from the cold.

His jacket was much bigger than you, as you expected it but as long as it kept you warm, you didn’t care how ridiculous you must have looked in Ghost’s oversized clothing. As Ghost’s scent filled your nose, you tried to shake it off how much you liked to wear his jacket.

Ghost, on the other hand, admired the view you were giving him by wearing his jacket. Yes, your arms basically disappeared in the sleeves and the jacket reached the middle of your thighs but he found it cute how small you were compared to his massive figure.

He almost started to wonder how adorable it would look if you would compare your hands to each other’s. Not even mentioning holding your hand while…

He quickly shook his pathetic thoughts out of his head as he reminded himself of the discovery he has just made. It didn’t matter how much he’d try to calm himself, the thought of you being with Roach caused pain throbbing through his heart.

He would take physical pain any time over the pain you just gave him without a single touch.

And you had no idea how much power you were able to hold over his head with a simple smile.

Just when everything was about to fall back to its place, you pulled a card he never would have thought was in your hands.

”What is it with you and Roach?” He suddenly asked, still standing in front of you.

You felt your eyes widen for a second as you looked up at him. The way his eyes held your stare like a cage made you realize that things might have been more complicated than you ever would have imagined them to be.

”Nothing.” You tried to brush off your nervousness but Ghost wasn’t buying it.

In fact, he looked disappointed that you weren’t honest with him.

After all this time, he was always honest and open with you, even vulnerable but when you couldn’t return the favor, it hurt his feelings. More than he wanted to admit.

Finishing his cigarette, he simply shook his head and threw it to the ground.

”Who’s shutting down now?” He asked and stepped on the smoking butt.

Your throat was dry as if you’d been in the desert for days now as Ghost’s presence kept you at bay.

”I don’t think it’s any of your business,” you said quietly, suddenly not finding any courage to continue this confrontation.

You shouldn’t have come here.

”If you are fucking my best friend then I think it’s pretty much my fucking business, Cobra.” Ghost answered coldly and you almost flinched at the aggression hiding in his voice like a shadow.

”It’s nothing serious, don’t be dramatic,” you held your ground and he tilted his head to the side, pulling his balaclava down on his jaw.

”You are wearing his fucking dog tags.” Ghost remarked and you froze in your place. ”And you call that nothing?”

You didn’t want to admit anything but the more Ghost brought things you buried away to the surface, the more you felt that you had no choice but to play his game.

”I don’t think I ask for too much when I tell you I want you to be completely honest with me,” Ghost continued, his voice quiet this time, after realizing how much his anger startled you.

He was right. The least thing you could do after everything was be honest with him. This conversation wouldn’t have a happy ending either way, so why try and make it worse by lying and denying things that were as obvious as undeniable intels?

”We get together sometimes,” you admitted, tearing your gaze away from him.

And with that sentence, you broke Ghost’s heart and you didn’t even notice it.

”Are you with him?” His voice was defeated.

The thought of losing you without even having you first hung above his head like the day of doom.

Licking your lips and tapping your foot against the ground, you tried your best to fight the urge of running back inside.

”No.”

He let out a deep breath and stepped closer to you, making it impossible for you to look anywhere else but at him.

”Cobra.”

You looked up at him firmly, ”I said no. It’s just a fling without emotions. Nothing serious. It doesn’t affect Roach’s partnership with me if that’s what you’re worried about.”

”That’s the last thing I’m worried about,” he admitted and stepped back.

You watched him as he backed away to the closest car behind him and sat down on the hood. His eyes studied the bar and the flickering lights while you stood still in your place.

You thought of Roach as a good friend but that had nothing to do with anything. How could you be intimate with someone who wasn’t close to you emotionally anyway?

You, personally, couldn’t sleep with someone who was a complete stranger to you or had no respect for you.

”Then what’s the matter?”

Ghost put his hand on his thigh as he distanced himself from you. Seeing the storm in his eyes, you tried to pull yourself together.

”I was about to take you to England with me.” Ghost’s eyes fell on you like clouds. ”I remember you mentioned once that you always wanted to go there.”

You felt the color drain from your face as his words floated around you in the air like a hurricane. And Ghost didn’t miss an inch that shifted in your face.

You remembered how once, while you were in the helicopter, you were talking with Soap about the furthest place you both had been away from your home.

You didn’t even know that Ghost heard you admitting to the fact that you always wanted to visit England ever since you were a kid.

And that was when you realized the real reason why Ghost stormed out of the bar all of a sudden. Between him being more open with you and now letting you know that he was ready to take you with him, showing you his home, you didn’t know how you missed the signs he was giving you and also the way he grew tense whenever Roach was around you.

Everything made sense now.

The glares to Roach. The softness in his voice whenever it was just the two of you. How protective he was over you when you were paired up with him…

Everything.

You were enjoying Roach’s physical attention so much that you missed the way Ghost’s attitude and body language changed around you.

How could you be so blind? You almost slapped yourself with the absurdity of yours.

”I…I didn’t know…” your voice silenced and Ghost sighed.

”It doesn’t matter.”

The guilt once again found its way through your veins like venom hearing the sadness in Ghost’s voice.

You hated to be the reason for his sadness.

”I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, Simon.” You admitted shamefully because it was true.

Ghost felt melancholic at you calling him his real name. It’s been so long, he started to wonder if you forgot his real name. Over the last month, you always called him Ghost and it disappointed him every time.

It felt ironic how he always thought that he wouldn’t be capable of caring for someone other than himself. Then Roach and Soap came and treated him like another human being which made him puzzled at first. Then he let himself be Simon again.

Then you came and you took over his heart which he didn’t mind at all.

He wanted to reassure you that you could never hurt his feelings, not even if you tried but that would have been a lie.

And Simon Riley despised lies.

”Well, someone has to be hurting at the end of the day, right?” Ghost tried to pull it off as a joke but his eyes betrayed him.

You bit into your lower lip and made your way over to him. He watched you in silence as you stopped between his spread legs, not caring about the closeness of your bodies.

God, how much he’d been dreaming about the moment when you’d willingly come close to him and give yourself to him. He has been alone for so long that he was almost desperate for you.

But this wasn’t a fairy tale and happy endings didn’t exist in your world.

You didn’t know what to say, so you leaned closer to him, your heart dropping.

When Ghost breathed your name, your real name, into the air between you, you felt shivers run down your spine. And not from the cold this time.

That was when you realized that whatever you had going on with Roach could ever only be a temporary thing because he didn’t look at you the way Simon was.

Yes, Gary found you attractive and couldn’t stop flirting with you but his stare was always full of lust and not something more meaningful.

While Gary was about to shake your world with his touch, Simon was ready to make you feel loved with everything he had in him.

That was the difference between someone who was shown love and someone who only got a glimpse of it his entire life.

Keeping his stare like your life depended on it, you carefully rolled his balaclava up until his lips were uncovered.

Ghost held his breath back as you closed the distance and placed a soft kiss on the corner of his lips. It was a silent way of making up for the pain you caused him unintentionally.

Something changed in you as you felt his skin on yours, his stubble scratching your mouth.

Ghost’s skin was burning where your lips touched him, and all of his worries washed away in a second.

”Don’t play with me, Cobra.” Ghost’s voice shook you like an unstoppable storm.

”I was never good at games, Lt.” You admitted and were about to step back but his hands were fast to grab your waist and pull you back to him.

Your face was burning as he shamelessly roamed his eyes over you, his pupils getting bigger like a cat that’s found its new favorite toy.

”Is that so?” Ghost hummed and raised his hand to wipe your hair out of your face.

When his fingertips brushed over your temple, you swallowed hard.

”Do you have any idea how much you played me all this time?” Ghost’s eyes were both sad but playful at the same time.

You pressed your lips together as he kept you close to him. It made you feel like he wanted to know you close to him not only by words but also physically.

”I didn’t mean to.”

Ghost’s gaze softened as he caressed his fingers on your arms.

”Do you have feelings for him?” He didn’t need to say Gary’s name out loud. It floated between you like the wind.

”Why are you asking?” You furrowed your eyebrows.

He gave you an exhausted look, ”I know how the ’we’ll only sleep with each other without the feelings’ shit works. I might be older than you but I’m not stupid, Cobra.”

You sighed and dropped your gaze to his chest, suddenly having the urge to hide your face there.

You started to wonder if he himself had had something going on with someone that eventually turned into more. Fighting your jealousy, you lingered your gaze where his heart must have been.

Ghost’s hand found your jaw and carefully lifted it, his eyes curious but also calm, waiting for you to return his gaze.

”Don’t lie to me. I’ve had enough of that shit.” He asked softly.

”I don’t want a relationship with him if that’s what you’re asking.” You said firmly. It was true but deep down you were slightly afraid that Roach might have had a change of heart on this road he took you down on.

You hoped he didn’t. You didn’t want to hurt him either.

”Had he ever taken you to England?”

This question broke the ice and you let out a bright laugh which was music to Ghost’s ears.

”No.”

”Is he planning to?”

You tried to wipe the smile off your face but you didn’t succeed. Not that Simon minded that. More like the opposite.

”I don’t know,” you teased him and he took a sharp breath in.

”He better not or I’ll kill him in his sleep.”

Your eyes widened and you pushed at his shoulders but they didn’t move an inch.

”You’ve really got some dark humor, Lt.”

”Does that disturb you?”

You let yourself sink into your thoughts as his fingers traced circles on you.

”I’ll get used to it.”

”Will you?” He asked, surprised that you were talking about the future with him in it so confidently.

”I mean…” you shrugged. ”If you want me to.”

The look you were giving him was worth all the pain he has been in because he knew that you meant every word you said. Some of them were better left unsaid but deep down he knew everything.

”There is nothing I would love more.”

Your heart warmed just when he leaned down to you and pressed his lips to yours, sealing his promise with a kiss that was only meant to be yours.

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softpine · 1 year ago

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holy shit that was incredible 🧎 as usual right after reading one of ur posts i'm craving a LOT of bts info. how did u decide who would be the closest to which until dawn character? were there any choices u went back and forth on? how are u so talented? are there any hidden easter eggs? how do u think their relationships would change in the following months?

the edits are beyond stunning, i've been staring at the portraits for so long and i'm gonna reread the whole thing tmrw in case i missed smtn <3

ahhh thank you!!! i'm so happy you liked it 🥺💖

so the thing is, i'm like. wildly hyperfixating on until dawn right now and i decided to platinum the game, which involves replaying it at least 3 times (in my case it took 6 because i'm bad at gaming lol) so i had a ton of time to think about this AU while i was watching the same unskippable cut-scenes over and over. the first thing i thought was "haha i also have a character named matt who's kind of a pushover" and the rest is history :')

characters

Josh = Finn: i knew i couldn't have an actual josh in this case because none of my characters would do exactly what he did, but the core elements of josh are already in finn: he was wronged by the people in his life he trusted the most, he lashes out when he feels strong emotions, and he's really just scared and lonely underneath it all. so then i thought, what if josh's fake ghost antics were an actual ghost? and who's better for that role than finn? however, his parents are definitely not rich, so the lodge couldn't belong to his family. that's why i decided to make it a larger hunting lodge where all kinds of hunters would come together. also did you notice how i didn't even tell you who killed finn in the AU because no spoilers :P

Sam = Asa: i actually don't care for sam tbh but she's the obvious leader of the group, the level-headed one, the angel on your shoulder. asa can be impulsive at times (especially in regards to finn) but he's still the person i would choose to be at my my side during a crisis. his parents are the only ones with money, so it makes sense for danny to purchase the lodge without visiting it himself. sam is also compassionate to josh and has somewhat of a romantic thing going on with him if you read it that way, so that fits for asa and finn.

Jessica = Elaine: jess (best girl!!!!!) is the first person with the possibility of dying, and her death/injury is the catalyst for multiple characters future decisions, so her equivalent had to be someone who's also strongly connected to numerous others. so elaine is perfect! she's also the only person of my group who i can imagine storming outside in the snow in her underwear to give her friends a piece of her mind fjskjds but she also has enough strength of character & resilience to make it realistic that she might survive so many injuries.

Mike = Austin: this felt like a no-brainer because austin already has knowledge about guns, he's fearless, and if elaine got hurt, austin would go fucking ballistic. he stops caring about his own survival and starts making brash, unwise choices. but that's where the similarities end, because i actually really hate mike and i feel bad comparing austin to him lmao. say what you will about austin, but he would never try to talk his way into having sex with a girl who literally says "i'm just not feeling it". i hate mike 😒

Chris = Stevie: now hear me out!! at first glance you might think stevie would be ashley. they cry a lot, they look to others for guidance, and they even look alike. but stevie strikes me as much more of a chris type, being that chris was never meant to be the hero. he's a goofy nerd who tells jokes when he's nervous and screams his head off any time he has to do something brave. and that's exactly what stevie's role in this AU is. despite her nature, she's making brave decisions for the benefit of her friends. (but this pic did remind me of ashley)

Matt = Matt: he's kinda just..... here. he cracks some jokes, he can either diffuse or encourage arguments, he plays second fiddle to his girlfriend most of the time. he tries to be the hero but fails miserably. but he has a good heart and he almost never does anything controversial.

Alisa = Ashley: alisa is WAY less outwardly emotional than ashley, but she has the same chaotic, contradictory nature. she cares about people, but she's also capable of coldly letting others die to save herself. she's good at making others feel protective of her even if she doesn't need protecting. she's VERY curious.

Jada = Emily: listen emily just doesn't fit with any of my characters even though i love her so much. but jada does share her determination in the face of fear, her will to survive at any cost, and the way she has the capability to soften up and be really sweet under the right circumstances. they're both much more resourceful and capable than you would initially think. but jada is more likely to follow others' guidance than make plans herself.

other stuff!

for the safe room scene, i thought it would be more interesting if it was the archetypal heroic boyfriend who was bitten and the archetypal damsel in distress who holds his fate in her hands. but there is no way in hell that austin would just sit there and let someone shoot him. when he takes alisa hostage, it almost makes it easier to shoot him; if he were pleading for his life, jada would never pull the trigger, no matter how much alisa told her to. but since he puts himself in the position of the aggressor (the exact thing they feared he would do) it becomes a more believable dilemma. of course, we learn later that the bite is not infectious and austin never would've turned, but none of them know that yet. even austin doesn't know. this scene in the game is extremely horrifying to me so i hope i did it justice in my AU too!

i said this in the replies too, but: the playthrough i envisioned with the stats and pictures makes these major choices: elaine initially survives the mine, matt dies by the rope, stevie's leg is fine, jada shoots austin (why she's covered in blood in her portrait), jada & alisa die in the explosion, stevie rescues elaine, and finn saves asa!

imagine the lantern is doing this shit the whole time LMAOO

the swiss army knife in my AU basically has the same function as the flare gun in until dawn. if matt doesn't have it, he'll die. but if emily doesn't have it, she'll only be bitten. but getting the flare gun into the right hands is sooo convoluted so i had to simplify it for our purposes.

butterfly effects

i didn't include these because i was trying to keep things brief, but here's some of the other ideas i had:

if elaine & austin's relationship drops too low before they arrive at the guest cabin, then elaine won't kiss him and will go outside to look for her phone against his wishes. that's where she would be taken by the creature instead.

if jada and alisa don't find enough clues about finn's disappearance, then they will not recognize finn when they find his remains. this makes finn less likely to protect them later in the night.

if jada shot austin and her relationship with alisa is HIGH, then alisa will give herself injuries on her face to help corroborate their self defense story. if jada shot austin and her relationship with alisa is LOW, then alisa will be fascinated and say "i didn't know you had it in you..." but will not offer to corroborate the story. in both scenarios, alisa will then say she doesn't want to sit around with austin's body. jada will have the option of leaving with alisa or staying inside the safe room. jada can say no (alisa might survive, jada dies), or yes (they both might survive). or if they have a high relationship, she can convince alisa to stay too (they both die).

if matt survives the attack in the mines, then stevie's leg will be injured because she didn't have the knife, meaning she arrives much later to rescue elaine/matt. so if elaine is still alive, matt can find her in the mines and they have a conversation. they will both be impressed by each other's survival, and elaine will feel bad that matt is only in the mines because of her. she asks where austin is, but matt has no idea. then stevie shows up and the rest plays out as described!

after dawn

so obviously their relationships would vary wildly depending on who survives and what choices they made to get there.

in an everyone survives playthrough, austin and elaine would break up soon after the events of the game. if you notice, elaine's perception of austin went down a lot because austin didn't try to save her after she fell down the elevator. she felt abandoned by him when he was the most physically capable & experienced person who could have saved her, but instead it was her injured best friend who never gave up on her. so they're done lol. stevie and matt would break up amicably (for reasons unrelated to the night in question) and remain friends, because how could they not? as for alisa, she doesn't talk to any of them anymore. she was only ever close with jada in the first place, but after jada refused to shoot austin, she lost all trust in her. after finn's remains are found, his spirit is no longer chained to the lodge and he's able to join asa at home. this version of finn is like a normal ghost in that he can appear to anyone he wants. he becomes close friends with all of asa's friends, especially stevie. and then... a few years later... a family called the washingtons purchases the property for their kids (josh, beth, and hannah) to throw parties in. just kidding sjfkjsd sole survivor playthrough: with the outline i laid out, there's actually no way for each of them to be the sole survivor because i had to cut so much out for brevity (i know it doesn't seem like it lol). but it's possible for asa, stevie, elaine, or matt to be sole survivors. the most heartbreaking is probably stevie, who would've had to see matt's decapitated head, heard the lodge blow up with asa, jada, alisa, and austin inside, then watch elaine die right in front of her. so that's super fucked and i don't want to think about that anymore!! asa being the sole survivor makes the most sense logically, because he has finn to protect him for most of it. elaine or matt being the sole survivor would be if one of them dies early in the game and then stevie dies trying to help elaine/matt escape. in any case, i don't think all the therapy in the world could cure that amount of survivor's guilt... everyone dies playthrough: the group become ghosts who haunt the mountain. finn's body is never recovered because no one is alive to report it to the police, so he is never at peace either. danny still owns the property, so he destroys the cable car and builds a giant electrified fence so that, hopefully, no human will ever return to the cursed mountain. i can't even / don't want to imagine how any of their parents would be able to move on after such a tragedy, it makes me genuinely sad to think about :( everybody dies playthroughs are all fun and games until you think about what comes after 😭

ANYWAY THAT'S ALL!! thank you so much for indulging my frankly rabid brain fjskdjs i know i keep saying it, but until dawn is my most confusing obsession because i first played the game in 2015 and i wasn't a fan; i thought the characters were annoying and the gameplay was lacking. but a few months ago i randomly decided to watch a playthrough of the quarry and that made me want to give until dawn another chance, and now...... yeah. idk what happened here but now it's all i can think about lmao. but being able to talk about the game with other people is sooo fun and i'm really happy i did this!! 💖

#flashing tw #minamill #asks #nonsims #brandi answers

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just-a-domesticated-cryptid · 4 months ago

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The Woman Who Changed My Life

TW: mention of ED

At the risk of sounding cheesy, I want to talk about the woman that changed my life.

I was 14 and hospitalised because of my eating disorder, but I thought my grandma shipped me off to the hospital because she got fed up with me. I couldn’t blame her anyway.

The hospital didn’t have any beds in the children’s section, so they shipped me off to the maternity ward. For a week, I slept next to an empty crib on itchy blankets. At all hours of the day and night, babies would be screaming, crying... It must suck being a newborn in early February in Romania: you’re all warm and cosy in your mother's womb and then you must cope with an average of 5 degrees Celsius. What I hated the most was the smell. It was odd, and because it was the 3rd or 4th floor, you couldn’t open the windows. Not that you’d want to anyone; it was fucking cold.

To say I was angry at being there would be an understatement, but I applied numbing gel (sleep) to the aching area (everywhere). Or I cried it out.

But I want to talk about the woman I shared the room with. The woman whose name I can’t remember, but I know she was 19 and had two 5 years olds (twins) and she came with her two year old to the hospital. Like the majority of the Romanian diaspora, she came from England to Romania after the NHS did a fantastic job at ignoring her concerns about her child��s illness. I also remember she had the most beautiful and softest hair I’ve ever seen.

She couldn’t have known why I was there, but her motherly instincts reached me and she made sure I ate at least twice a day, which was a considerable improvement for me. I’d eat with her and her child on the side of the bed. Vegetables, meat, bread. Food her family bought for her, but she chose to share it all with me. She even asked them for more olives when she saw how much I liked them. She braided my hair (because back then I had waist length hair that I pretend I don’t miss) and I braided hers whilst her child watched cartoons on my phone.

At night, she asked me to pray with her.

I’ve never felt religious. The opposite, actually. Which is ironic, being born and raised in a Christian Orthodox country. Quoting my friend, ‘Romanians love Jesus so much not even communism could snuff out the religion from the country’.

I could have told her no. I could have pretended I’m going to sleep early.

I prayed next to her, on the side of her bed. I've never felt religious but then I understood why people do. Because the room was cold and depressing and I felt so lonely I couldn’t breathe. I hollowed myself out until everything was covered by a black fuzz and ‘lightheaded’ was my ‘normal’. But I felt human. I felt, right there, one of the good parts of humanity.

Even if just by a bit, I felt less lonely.

I told her my story. I was always ashamed of that part of my life, but like a sinner in front of a priest, I told her everything. Why I was there and why I refused to eat. I told her of the anger burning inside me and how I never feel like my lungs can inhale as much air as I need, so I always feel like I’m being waterboarded.

She must have been holy because she didn’t judge me. She just hugged me (the sad and angry child) until I stopped crying. That’s all I was to her; not a monster, just a child that needed comforting. I felt heard. Less alone.

For another week, I prayed and ate alongside her. She was tall and kind. So kind I couldn’t be angry.

I wasn’t happy either. I was just… at peace.

‘Peacefully’ is definitely a more sustainable way to live.

Being hospitalised didn’t ‘fix’ me. Neither did my hospital-room-mate. Things got slightly better, then worse, marginally better, then I started sinking again. The hate converted to extra anxiety and me and my brain were two different entities that hated each other.

And although I’m not much better and I’m still holding on to bad habits, I’m recovering from my eating disorder (one year, lets goooo!). I’m medicated (after I made an appointment all on my own. Pat on the back for me!) and I’m doing (my best) the silly exercises that help me function every day.

I’m still sad and dangerously angry at times, but I’m doing a much better job at keeping shit under control.

But I’m still thinking about this woman. She understood me; understood that I’m hurting and not actually evil. I definitely am hard to love, but I’m not that hard to be seen and to be accepted the way I am.

I don’t want to ever forget her because she didn’t have to be so kind. I didn’t think I deserved it, but she was anyway. I’m still holding her kindness in my chest today.

We’re not doomed. There is good out there. I don’t care if it sounds childish; I found good in the most unlikely of places.

There is good out there.

There is no real end to this. I was discharged before she was and I’ve never seen her again. I wish her the best in life.

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s-e-v-e-n-24 · 2 years ago

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States as Rainbow Kitten Suprise songs, part 1

How to: Friend, Love, Freefall

Pacific Love - Alaska/Hawai'i

No look no look platonic or romantic he is a simp for her

Hold my hand darling

Pull me in your waters

When you call my name, I'll be on my way

Mission to Mars - California

Ohhhhhhh my god oh my god. Ok, so. The song generally is about a performer, presumably in a space like Hollywood, fighting hard to cling to their 15 minutes of fame, and trying desperately to stay in the spotlight. Please. Please. I wanna do a whole analysis on this oh my god

But basically, Hollywood Cali

Heard it booming at parties, whispered in homes

The pundits on the radio won't leave it alone

I heard it once, heard it twice

Heard it well enough to tell

They say the mission to Mars, is destined to fail now

And I love how in the end, the last part is the same sentiment, but hopeful

Fever Pitch - Utah/Illithiya

Them being good for eachother my beloved and him being a simp, but more then that, her inevitable death. Her lifespan that will end before his and the bittersweet in every happy moment tainted just a bit by the future. And his hope that maybe, maybe he might be able to join her in an eternity

Hallelujah

The iron king sings a song for the lover

The leaver, the lonely, and like

Young love waits

If I can then I'll meet you at the gate of St. Peter

It's called: Freefall - Gov and California

I love when I can make a song apply to a character in 2 different ways

1, Gov is the devil referenced in the song. This works both in how Gov is Not a good character, but also in the way the Devil interacts with the speaker. Both comforting and concerned, as well as a more tough love approach

2, he is the speaker. The one who stays up late and isolates himself from others and won't admit when he's wrong

Called to the Devil and the Devil said

Hey! Why you been calling this late?

It's like 2 A.M. and the bars all close at 10 in hell, that's a rule I made

Anyway, you say you're too busy saving everybody else to save yourself

And you don't want no help, oh well

That's the story to tell

Now with Cali, he is most definitely just the speaker. It is very much about the self destruction and unlike Gov where it'smore about never ending work and a deepset exhaustionthat won't leave it's more violent, especially with friendships, and the inability to recognize his own wrongs

Some day's end when I need a few friends

Now and again I could never hope to keep them

Thought to give friends what I thought that they wanted

Never had they needed a good friend as I've been

Don't get me venting on friends who resent you

'Cause all you've ever done is been a noose to hang on to

They thought was a necklace and reckless they fell into hell

Where you both hang with nothing to do but

Holy War - Texas

Is it mostly him cause it mentions Dallas? Yeah. But also the parts that allude to a relationship

I see it said in your eyes

All the time

You ain't gotta tell me you're fine babe

They call that Holy War in Dallas

They call for Holy War

On us

Matchbox - Calivada

Quite literally going feral I cannot use words to explain how it fits them just look at the lyrics like a nice, soft love, but maybe a but bitter as it is ended, or ending, due to someone wanting more in life and accidentally leaving a relationship in ruins but maybe it's more a mutual thing, left and discarded, all the while thinking "Well, it's not all on me. They have to talk to me too" And leads them to a premature end to a good thing that maybe wasn't that good maybe it was rotted under the surface and needed work that was always ignored but dammit it was theirs

Or maybe I'm looking too much into this

I also love that it references Mission To Mars

You're a master of passive-aggressive magic tricks

Like, that's not a card that I would've picked but it's your life to live like how you'd like to live

You're type of cool that likes to talk a lot

I'm the type of fool to listen

Salutations to Apollo

While the Mission To Mars is surely soon to follow

And you bit my lip when I kissed you

I bit my tongue not to tell you that I miss you

We shared my blood for an instant and I would trade some more to have it back

Yeah I would trade all of this for that

Everybody I know wants to be a star

Just above the atmosphere flying high

Just above the average fear to try

Keeping me grounded, holding me down for miles

Everybody I know wants the gleam

In designer tops and ten dollar magazines

Infatuated with the beams, you go crazy when I speak

I'm the asshole who keeps laughing at our predicaments

Like this ain't the life that I should've picked

But it's the cards we're dealt we play with

Shit

Moody Orange - Florsiana

I dunno what it us, it's just them. It's chaotic and a rush, and a constant movement and maybe some behaviors in the sing encouraged by the other are not healthy, but there is love there, and it is pure through all the ups and downs. They are a team, and partners, and willingly to try again despite it all

I love the way you know how

I love the way you walk out

I love the way you shut it

Down

Now

Paint it moody orange

Does help that Florida loves oranges

Hide - NJ/NY

When related to specifically them, a denial of feelings and a fear of being vulnerable

I hate you more than I miss you

That's not true, I'd hate to miss you

Anywhere I go anywhere you've been before

I get the chance to say goodbye

Or hello I mean you don't call you don't write

You know I've been up for forty days and forty nights and all my fears have multiplied

By the silence in your eyes

Better hide your love, hide your love

Don't let it slip away, don't let it slip away

When It Lands - Calivada

Peak Calivada. In the middle of their on and iff relationship when everything is good, and sure maybe the good feelings are just the partying and the rush, and sure maybe things have started to fall apart again, maybe there's a longing, a deep issue of missing the other so much but never seeming to be around d them that ruins it everytime but maybe they don't have to think about that right now

Sugar city

Pretty magic

Got me good vibes

Thank God I ain't driving

Traffic vision

Blurred blue bleedin'

That's a black out ladder

It don't matter anyhow

I'm climbing

Keep my good vibes

And check coats for cool climates

In common we got

Good friends rolled light on split ends

Pretty magic

Traffic addicts

And I never call back when my friends all looking at me in the car

'Cause it'd be all they wanna talk about

Oh you tryna to get a deal? A deal? A deal

Sorry on the real

But my eyes and my ears don't work well

And the floor keeps sliding out my heels

I can't feel 'em am I still dreaming?

Painkillers - Colorado

Just generally, him and addictions and struggles with living

Living just comes with a bit of heartache

Heartache comes with a bit of young faith

Faith stays young till your heart get broken

Hope grows up to become someday

Recktify - New York

Just- The fast paced tempo and the lyrics that barely have time to breath and the constant shift in topics lends itself to the atmosphere of a city like NYC, and the temperament of New York himself

Especially the end, it reads to me like overstimulation maybe in a meeting and it's so much and going so fast and maybe he's arguing only to end up being pulled away from a fight He barely remembers starting

You're making a scene

You're making a scene baby

To wreck the scene

To rekt

Possum Queen - California/NY/Florida

And this is a thing to be further expanded on, but New York and his failed relationships in the ways of being a little bit unstable and commitment issues

Like him spending winters with Florida, having flings, but never settling and fearing his touch in any other season. Or a past relationship with California where they both were shit and maybe it was the intimacy of knowing eachothers issues so deeply but it's missed. Not in the way they'd do it again, but that they cannot hate eachother, and they loved eachother while it lasted, and maybe they'd be able to try again but for know it's tired smiles and small limes that allude to knowing more then they let on

This will last forever

And when it doesn't, love it for what it is

Don't miss it the way I do

The way I used to

If you love it, love it for what it's been

Don't miss it

Don't wish it back

Don't wish it'd last 'cause if it doesn't

Love it for what it is

Don't miss it the way I do

Don't miss it

Don't miss it the way I miss you

Polite Company - Mississippi

If I'm being honest most of this was cause ballerina Sippi, but honestly vibes anyway

I only want what I can't have

If you love me, give me nothing

Nothing

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lucisaphira · 7 months ago

Text

・ 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑟𝑜𝑑𝑢𝑐𝑖𝑛𝑔 . . . 𝐋𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐀𝐍𝐀 𝐒𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐀.

❛ we don't own our heavens now . we only own our hell . and if you don't know that by now , then you 𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 know me well . . . all my life , i've been so lonely . all in the name of being holy . still , you'd like to think you know me . you keep buying 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒 . but it won't change who you are . you're still living life in the dark . . . ( it's just who you are , ) ❜

・ ⏤ quick links : pinterest + playlist .

・ 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍.

name : luciana saphira . nicknames : luci . birthday / age : august 4th , 1996 & twenty - seven . gender / pronouns : ciswoman & she / her . hometown : manhattan , new york . career : model & ghost artist . positive traits : giving , creative , trustworthy , humble & gentle . neutral traits : stylish , introverted , self - conscious , curious & sensitive . negative traits : pushover , self - destructive , reckless , stubborn & perfectionist .

𝐄𝐗𝐓𝐑𝐀 ,

𝑝ℎ𝑦𝑠𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙 𝑎𝑡𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑏𝑢𝑡𝑒𝑠 ;

hair color : brunette . eye color : hazel / brown . height : five foot , seven inches . tattoos : currently 5 various tattoos . piercings : 9 on ears . faceclaim : cindy kimberly .

𝑚𝑖𝑠𝑐 ;

artists streamed : marina , lana del rey , melanie martinez , sabrina carpenter , ariana grande , taylor swift , lizzy mcalpine , justin bieber , oliva rodrigo , heart , jeremy zucker , alec benjamin , the wrecks , saint motel , panic ! at the disco , hoizer , miley cyrus , dominic fike , shawn mendes , becky g , shakira , ava max , ashnikko , dua lipa , royal & the serpant , madison beer , the pussycat dolls , selena gomez , selena , katey perry , justin timberlake , gwen stafani , no doubt , rihanna , chloe adams , chandler leighton , harry styles and so many more my brain can't think of at the moment . . .

・ 𝐁𝐔𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐏𝐎𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐒.

𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦 𝑐ℎ𝑒𝑐𝑘 …

luciana saphira , is very kind ( but dont get her wrong . she can hit her limit and that kindness can slip up . ) she grew up in a family that strived for something picture perfect and that turned her into a perfectionist . as much as she doesn't want to live with that same kind of pressure , she can't help it . on the outside she can seem like everything is perfectly fine but on the inside she has this very deep seeded loneliness and sadness she carries onto . she can be bubbly when she wants to but she can hit her social limit and at that point it just becomes too much . she is prone to meltdowns . . . she's a sensitive person . feels things really hard but also throws up barriers with herself and pushes down 99 % of her emotions when they become too much . she's a loyal person to her friends and the people she cares about . really , she would do anything for anyone . to the point where it could get a bit toxic and she drowns herself in it . as much as she loves the universe and the stars , as much as she likes to dream . . . she also has this fear of it all as well . and although positive outwardly , she can be a bit negative inwardly . but the way there's this endlessness of the world and life , that scares her . . . she has trouble with her own self and identity . and as much as a hopeless romantic she can be she's also unable to hold onto relationships for long . has a fear of getting too close to people and is one of those people that craves affection but flinches at it at the same time . pretty much she's a soft little baby . she just wants to make people feel good but also . . . she's deeply sad . . . even though she's a sweet little contradictory romantic type girl . . . she also can be a bit reckless in her own way . throwing herself down potholes for some kind of sign of life . ( rip , i have a theme to uphold . long live the emos . )

!!! 𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐑𝐓 !!! : neglect , parental neglect , parental mental abuse , trauma , adulatory and addiction .

ever since the moment luciana was born her life was orchestrated , almost like performance art . there wasn't a time she could remember when eyes weren't on her and her family . her parents had always been the type of people that wanted it to seem as though they had the picture perfect family . pristine , almost to the point where the family seemed plastic . and that's just how they wanted it to seem . the wealthy and elite family all smiles and handshakes . all fancy parties and sucking up to all the right people . all the people that could get them further into that life of wealth .

luciana and her older brother were dragged along to anything and everything their parents could get them into . a way to show the world they had something they didn't . . . that their family had everything . the perfect little family , the riches , the reputation . . . it was everything the money hungry parents wanted , even if it was anything but the truth .

a question , was the life they lead really all that perfect or great ? not at all . luciana knew at a young age how dysfunctional her family was . the way they said one thing to the world but everything was completely opposite or different inside . . . it confused her . the constant distrust in the people around her and this loneliness she had never been able to let go of began to creep onto her until it swallowed her whole .

the moment she was able to be put in front of a camera , luciana's parents made sure of it . putting her in the hands of any and every person in the industry . no real safety net despite having her so - called mom - ager there to protect her . if anything , luci felt as though she was less protected when her mother was around . the way the woman would throw her to the wolves just to get the attention she desired . wanting to live through her daughter . playing puppet master and treating her own child as if she was a little doll she could bend and control anyway she wanted to .

( TW : PILLS / NEGLECT / CHEATING . ) when the eyes weren't on the family , the issues came in swarms . luciana watching as her mother abused different pills and alcohol , her brother drowned himself in anything he could get his hands on , trying to silence the noise of heated arguments and his father cheating with various different woman . luciana seeing things she shouldn't but felt she had to hold onto and keep secret . they were a broken family behind closed doors but the moment they had eyes on them , everyone would pretend nothing was wrong . a smile forming on what was once a miserable face . ( / END TW . )

as much as luci doesn't want to be under her mothers control or her parents . . . she is . unable to really get out from under their grasps . at a young age she had went through something traumatic . no help in the way she was thrown to the wolves and that began the spiraling that luci began to go through .

a little reckless in her behavior , although under the radar . then again , she'd always felt like she could be screaming for help in front of the people in her life and no one would see or hear her . after an episode that was too catastrophic to ignore , her parents sent her off to a nature retreat . . . a way to be calm and become one with the earth . although , they didn't want to address the situation of not only what their daughter had been through and the secrets she held onto but they also didn't want to believe that there could be something actually wrong with her . or something she could actually be struggling with . instead sending her off on a pointless journey that didn't take away all the hurt and pain she had been through .

once back , luci's parents moved their family to lincoln city , where luciana ended up becoming a student at st. mary's , now known as new horizons for her last couple years of high school . this was a new start . new masks for the family to wear but in a much more quiet setting .

luci didn't really know christopher wilder but from afar , she had always had a way of latching onto different boys even if they didn't know it . nevertheless , after everything had happened . luci had stayed in lincoln city for a bit before her family decided to move back to new york , where she followed . starting her career and thinking , the past was in the best . but she obviously spoke too soon .

copy & paste what i said about kai here : there's some things missing , i'm sure ! but for now , this is what i got . going with the flow as i figure him out more ! please , have this trash as my token of gratitude . and i'm sorry you had to endure this struggle and ramble .

・ 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.

𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 : i currently don't really have anything other than just vibing and seeing what will happen ! but i'll update this when things start flowing in my head . always down to brainstorm and plot ! i'm always down for the most chaotic things , no limits !

i do have a section in his pinterest that could be potential ideas for some plots ! if that interests you ! and i have a wcs tag here for more potential ideas !

・ 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.

𝐍/𝐀.

#・ ( 𝑙𝑢𝑐𝑖𝑎𝑛𝑎𝒔𝒂𝒑𝒉𝒊𝒓𝒂 ) ¸ introduction.#/ this is a mess

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khaleesiofalicante · 10 months ago

Note

I've been obsessed with On Brûlera, since you wrote it (also the title. excuse me?!?!? I want to cry every time I hear that song😭) and I'm having mavid feels, so yes, I am going to rant about it😌

Them reclaiming what they lost all those years is so heartbreaking in a beautiful way. From the "small" things like Max supporting David while he anxiously waits for his book release, David being there for Max after a long day of work, to the big ones like moving to France, making it a home, something they wanted more than anything else. Having a home together, but not being able to have it for so long. Slowly but surely reclaiming the things they missed🥹

He doesn’t know why his parents call him ‘difficult’ because his priorities have always been simple. David. David. David. I don't know why, but this is one of my favorite quotes of Max about David, for the simple truth in it. That's all he wants. Something he never gets tired of, something he gets over and over and it's not enough because he always wants more. Kinda reminds me of Rafael saying that if there was something Max couldn't be trusted with, was David, because there was nothing he wouldn't do for David.

To Max. This one is for you too. Everything I do is, and always will be, for you. And also the parallel of David holy shit. David, being someone who loves so much. Being described over and over as someone who loves love, who craves it, who gives it not in a loud way, but in an overwhelming way. He never gets tired of looking for love and giving it away. He is described as obsessed, as greedy for more. He lives for it and will gladly spend his life doing everything in the name of it.

And Max and David find each other. Max, eternally craving love, liking when someone likes him, but when someone loves him? When someone is obsessed with him? That is something he lives for. And he gives the same. He loves loudly, in a brilliant, big way. And David has so much love to give too. He's someone who thought for so long he would die without giving all the love he had inside to someone, thinking all of him would scare people away. Finding someone who takes everything he has, and still wants more of him. Both creating a love that consumes them completely to the point of doing everything in their power to be together, just to have the honor of loving each other.

But leaving that aside, I am so scared for Other Max holy shit... He wants to know what turned this man into this sad, lonely, bitter person. YEAH I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW TOO

I could’ve been him if I didn’t get my happy ending.

///

It’s not pity you feel for the man. It’s grief. You mourn all the things he lost, and you mourn all the things he could’ve been.

I created 5 different theories in my mind with just this and I'm not sure I like any of them 😭. Terrified for the next few months, thank you very much :)

He kisses his lips and his nose and his cheeks and his jaw and his eyelids and the corner of his mouth.

He kisses every inch of David’s face until it remembers his lips and welcomes him home again.

///

“Because I’m going to kiss every inch of your back,” Max smiled against his skin, peppering soft kisses along David’s spine. “And when I’m done, you’ll only remember my lips.”

I haven't stop thinking about these two lines and I never will💙💙💙

This story is just so beautiful, just like Max and David's love, it also consumes my thoughts 🥺

THIS SONG. THIS FUCKING SONG.

This song and the across the stars theme from Star Wars ends up in every single mavid fic (the angsty ones hehe) because it's SO SO SO THEM.

I have found another perfect song (it fits David so so well) but I am going to gatekeep it until rwrb au drops because it's perfect for a chapter and I want the angst to hit right hehe.

And I looooooooved this analysis and it's made me EMOTIONAL. It's so consuming. Like you said. That's the right word for it. Consuming.

I love these codependent clusterfucks my goodness.

PS - gonna channel ALL this energy into the rwrb au. it's gonna be my fave mavid fic BYE.

#lbaf

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drachonia · 11 months ago

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❝ 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐢 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠? 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐢 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩. ❞

𝐈𝐅 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐅𝐋𝐘, 𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆. ⸻ all my life, I've been so lonely all in the name of being holy. and still, you'd like to think you own me…you keep buying stars. and you could buy up all the stars, but it wouldn't change who you are. you're still living life in the dark…it's just who you are, it's just who you are.

𝐼. ⸻ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥.

name, anise vaillet

nickname, anaïs (people mistake her name for being this, thus she's adopted it as an alias and nickname)

sex, female

orientation, heterosexual

birth date, january 20

zodiac sign, aquarius

place of birth, city of viol in onyx, north of quartz and far north of obsidian

age, ~26

occupation, songstress

crest, phoenix

alignment, neutral good

mbti, isfp

𝐼𝐼. ⸻ 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞.

eyes, lavender blue.

hair, soft, silky, and wavy midnight black hair

built, lanky, rather average build for her height.

much more fair-skinned than most, attributes it to her family's time in the north.

height, 5'6" - 168 cm

weight, 132 lbs

𝐼𝐼𝐼. ⸻ 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲.

father, rurik

mother, justine vaillet

brothers, two older brothers

sisters, shaska, iris

𝐼𝑉. ⸻ 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬.

traits, social, inviting, theatrical & artistic

passions, song, theater, dance, aidance

fears, suppression of creativity, losing her passion

colors, midnight blue, dusty deep lavender, matte gold, off-white

aesthetics, music sheets, starmaps, flower-filled pianos, the smell of anise, the skyline at twilight, northern lights, translucent fabrics, dress hems covered in swarovski crystals, silvery blue ballgowns

𝑉. ⸻ 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲.

around loved ones, artistic, stubborn, beloved, persistent around friends, stately, efflorescent, pleasant, around strangers, cheeky, brazen, passionate, sardonic

𝑉𝐼. ⸻ 𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬.

singing, a quick learner who took her vocal practice very seriously from a young age. anaïs' interests were nurtured by her father from a young age, giving a passion for the arts alongside her sister, shaska.

speech, something that set her apart from her two sisters, and sometimes her brothers, was the attention to social circles and the manners of speech. socialite culture became one of her strong suits from the experience she garnered.

𝑉𝐼𝐼. ⸻ 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝.

tba.

𝑉𝐼𝐼𝐼. ⸻ 𝐚𝐫𝐭.

reference, tba. art, 1 2 3 fics, 1 2 3

#ikemen prince #ikemen prince oc #anise #ikepri oc

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kingboohoo37 · 2 years ago

Text

So, I don't really know how to Social Media... I never interacted much with people on platforms like this but I'm gonna try my best here...

This will be a little post about me since I plan to start streaming a bit again next week, more about that later.

So yeah, I'm KingBooHoo, my name is Johannes, I'm 24 (25 in two months holy shit time flies fast) and I'm from germany. Also I'm a trained IT-Administrator, so if you have any technical questions don't ask me I already have enough to fight with those at work (I'm kidding ask me anything if you like xD)

As for my hobbies I love playing video games and indulging myself into certain fandoms like some of you know. Most of these being Pokemon and Yugioh. I also play a lot of other games which would be too many to just list here...

I also love writing fanfiction sometimes. I wrote stuff in the past for Yugioh VRAINS and for Ace Attorney. Feel free to check out if you haven't already on my Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingBooHoo My next story for VRAINS is in the making. I hope I get out the first chapter next week!

Last but not least. I love music. I've been playing piano since I was in grade school and it always calms my nerves playing after a rough day. Music is a gift that I love above everything else. If you'd ask me what one thing I would take with me on a lonely Island it would be a piano xD Oh! I also love to sing! It's a super fun activity to do, especially in a group of people.

So yeah that's me... feel free to ask me anything. I'm also pretty good at listening if anybody has some pressing matters that we all sometimes have in life... I'd love to help (If my limited time allows me to xD).

Anyways my other social medias are:

Twitter (no I do not post but I retweet cute cats): https://twitter.com/KingBooHoo

Youtube(mostly just a dumpster of funny moments with my friends): https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_DY1g6tnDezwV-muuX5GLw

Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/kingboohooo

Yes I plan on starting to stream a bit and it's probably Pokemon. I just love hard nuzlockes if anybody's interested ^^

#yep that's me #ask me anything #idk if this is awkward #and I have no idea how to use tags...

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moonlightswritingandstuff · 1 year ago

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all my life i've been so lonely all in the name of being holy (and still, you'd like to think you own me)

Valentina Diaz is a lot of things to a lot of people, but none of those are her own; those are all false facets of an imaginary person that Valentina never could and never will be. Or: five words others think of Valentina as, and her own opinion in that matter.

read on ao3!

trigger warnings: none

One

If there's one word to describe Valentina Diaz, it's unforgettable, Alex thinks. She is a tempest; a tempest of which stormed into his heart two months ago and broke it today.

He can still smell her perfume on the edges of his apartment; it seems to linger even though Valentina herself is long gone. The perfume smells of honeysuckle and hope, hope she seems to forget to inspire.

Oh, well. Valentina dated Alex for two months and he is not surprised. His friends had all warned him, a slough of "she only dates people for a maximum of three months" and "she's going to break your heart". He would just be another in her long line of exes, they said, and they were right.

Oh, well.

Alex likes fun, and Valentina was fun. It wasn't serious, she didn't even really break his heart. But she sort of did all the same, like a good memory that, in the light of its passing, renders it more sad.

But he still wasn't sure how he would move on, if he ever would completely. Stuck in heartbreak while also having moved on long ago, a strange limbo that Alex couldn't seem to shake no matter what he tried.

But for some reason, Alex didn't care. Bittersweet as it was, Valentina Diaz is not someone Alex would ever want to forget, or go back before they dated.

It was weird, but perfectly natural at the same time.

After all, if there's one word to describe Valentina Diaz, it's unforgettable.

«»

Two

If there's one word to describe Valentina Diaz, it's shallow. Piper's never found her sister to be all that interesting or deep, she just seemed to care for nothing but boys and breaking their hearts.

Well, most of Piper's siblings are like that. They don't care about people, they care about things. Material over emotional. Which is why Piper cannot stand her siblings. They're terrible, terrible people, only seeming to care about pink and love and dating and not the actual people behind them.

They're so fake, Valentina most of all. Because she pretends to care, even when everyone knows she very much does not. At least Drew has the decency to embrace how terrible she is.

Valentina pretends to care. She breaks heart after heart, all boys and girls who don't know what they're in for when it comes to Valentina Diaz.

And Valentina Diaz is a terrible, terrible person. She breaks hearts without remorse, she cares for nothing but the jewels adorning her neck and ears, she wouldn't know true love if it hit her upside down in the head.

Valentina Diaz hates Silena Beauregard just as much as Drew, too. Piper may have never met Silena, but she was a hero. That's what everyone says, except for the Aphrodite Cabin.

Honestly, Piper doesn't know how they can do that. How they can hate someone who clearly isn't in the wrong.

But, if Piper's being honest, she doesn't really care to know her siblings, and neither do they care to know her. Because her siblings are terrible, terrible people, and Piper most definitely is not.

Because at least Piper has the decency to care.

And just like every other one of Piper's siblings, the one word to describe Valentina Diaz is shallow.

«»

Three

If there's one word to describe Valentina Diaz, it is disagreeable. Adelita Diaz has find her cousin to be all too self-important.

Because something changed about Valentina Diaz when she was fourteen. Because Valentina Diaz holds herself like someone who has no experience with things, because Valentina speaks like someone tired with fate. What could she ever feel tired of?

Sure, Valentina’s mother is long-dead or long-gone - everyone around them talks too much about unimportant things and too little about important things when it comes to the mysterious woman who is Valentina’s mother - and Adelita doesn’t care much to listen, either.

Valentina Diaz has never been much of a concern to Adelita Diaz, yet Valentina bothers her all the same. Valentina goes through boyfriends (and girlfriends and partners in general) as fast as Adelita goes through books.

Which is to say, all too quickly.

But besides that, Adelita has never quite known how to act around Valentina. Sure, they're cousins, but Valentina changes like the fall winds. When Adelita thinks she has Valentina down - like she did until they were both fourteen - and then Valentina changes radically, and suddenly Adelita's blindsided by her cousin's changing. And then Adelita gets used to the new Valentina, and suddenly Valentina goes back to Old Valentina with the flighty dating, and then Valentina changes once more.

Valentina changes like the fall winds, and she doesn't slow down enough for Adelita to catch up.

And that's it, Adelita would say. Valentina is a cacophony that changes meter every few seconds. Adelita can never understand her cousin; Adelita can never sympathize with her cousin.

And because of that, the one word to describe Valentina Diaz is disagreeable.

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Four

If there's one word to describe Valentina Diaz, it is flaming. After all. Alice Miyazawa has always loved her best friend. Valentina is a tempest, a heartbreaker, but she's also fun. Just what Alice wants in a best friend.

Valentina isn't like Drew with a heart of snow; her heart is made of fire instead, burning and warming all the same. All that Alice wants for a best friend.

The boys she falls in love with only to fall out of love soon enough are just trees in a grand forest she rages in; Alice is not a tree. She is a person warming themselves by a hearth-fire after a cold night; Alice sees the life under the fire that Valentina is.

Fire is Valentina, Alice muses. Nothing more, nothing less.

Alice loves Valentina because she's fun, because although she may be flighty and may be careless with others' hearts, she'll never be careless with Alice's. Valentina will never be careless with her friends' hearts.

And Alice is Valentina's friend.

So the next time Alice gets broken up with someone, she'll sit on Valentina's couch with her friend and cry over ice cream and the best hot chocolate ever - because Valentina always makes excellent hot chocolate.

(Seriously. Is it an Aphrodite thing or is Valentina just that good at hot chocolate of all things?)

But there's no way in Hades that Alice would ever tell one of her friends to date Valentina. There's not way in Hades that Alice would ever set Valentina up with someone.

Because she doesn't want her friends to get their heart broken.

After all, through thick and thin, the one word to describe Valentina Diaz is flaming.

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Five

If there is one word to describe Valentina, it is unshakeable. Lacy admires her sister more than she'll ever tell.

Valentina, who can easily come back from everything. Valentina, who bounces back from tragedy and becomes their shoulder to cry on.

Lacy can rely on Valentina like no one else.

Because at least Valentina won't betray them like Silena did. Because at least Valentina won't twist her love into cruelty like Drew. Because at least Valentina won't expect them to be people they aren't like Piper. Because at least Valentina cares enough to leave her mask on and keep them safe.

Valentina has always been Lacy's favourite sibling. She's the person who taught Lacy how to apply makeup, how to select her outfits. Lacy has always looked like a doll, one of those creepy dolls that haunt suburban Southern homes, but Valentina tells her it makes her beautiful, tells her to lean into it.

And so Lacy does. And Lacy can rely on Valentina.

It's a few days after the Titan War. Valentina smiled at her through the mirror, raising her dagger up to apply her eyeliner. Lacy copied that motion, and it's messy, but Valentina smiled even more, and gently helped Lacy to get it right.

Lacy's young, they all are. But being part of the Aphrodite Cabin means something. It means something more than what it should. It means a certain responsibility, a certain awareness of her body that no thirteen-year-old should have. It's a silent obligation they all have. And Valentina bears it best, somehow. Valentina can carry the rest of them to a home they will never have.

They don't talk about it, but Drew once remarked something that they all know too dearly: beautiful women have unhappy fates. Lacy supposes it applies to everybody.

But it never seems to affect Valentina all that much.

And because of that, the best word to describe Valentina Diaz is unshakeable

«»

+ One

Valentina does not know who she is.

She feels terrible for breaking so many hearts. Alex was the most recent. She feels like she has to warm her friends. Like Alice. She feels like she has to portray a mask. Even to Piper, her sister. She feels like she has to be more mature. Like with Adelita and Lacy.

Romantic relationships are so easy, Valentina thinks. In romantic relationships, she doesn't have to be committed. She can casually date. Alex knew what was going to happen. He knew what he was getting into. Friendships are worse, family is worse.

With Alice, she never feels truly like herself. Alice sees what she wants, and she sees the Valentina as her best friend. Best friend is a scary term; it never seems to mean what people think it should. Best friend means too much. It sets Alice apart. Valentina doesn't do close relationships. So she'll make Alice her hot chocolate and don the mask of Alice's Best Friend, and it's so different from Valentina's Daughter of Aphrodite mask, and Valentina's Good Older Sister mask, and Valentina's Indifferent Beauty mask.

She shows so many people masks. All she is is masks, buried over and over and over each other, not a single one showing who she is.

She is a jewel, facets upon facets of equally beautiful, equally wanted. They are facets owned by many and owned by few, but none of those facets are owned by Valentina.

She wants to be rough, a diamond uncut. She wants to be coal, messy and dirty and being everywhere possible. She wants to be obsidian, strong and unshakeable.

She is her masks, her masks are her, but they are not everything. Valentina has never been anything but her masks.

She knows all her ex-boyfriends and most people at camp - including Piper, her own sister - see the Daughter of Aphrodite mask, or the Indifferent Beauty mask, depending on how well they know her. Alice sees Alice's Best Friend mask, and so does Julia, Alice's other best friend who doesn't like Valentina all that much. Oh well. And Valentina knows her half-siblings except Piper see the Good Older Sister mask.

And they are her masks, and nothing more. Valentina has never been anything but her masks.

So, if you asked Valentina, and she was being truthful, she would say that she does not know who she is.

#valentina diaz #piper mclean #lacy pjo #alice miyazawa #cabin ten #aphrodite cabin

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