#like?? they’re not the only oppressed ppl? so many other people get assaulted?

[diamondrib]

anyways i had to go to a charity thing and there was one (1) rape crisis center that acknowledged queer people or allowed anyone but women and children at all out of like. 3-5

[violetlunette]

There was said interview, where HK said that jpn audience hated the villains and since villains started to gain more popularity, the manga popularity plummeted each year and rn SJ is rushing HK to end bnha. Villain stans got totally mad of course calling jpn fans dumb, weird, saying they have a terrible taste and that jpn only dislikes them bc of the culture since they don't like out of the norm ppl gaining popularity and don't like to see opressed ones trying to change the system

So what do you think abt that?

EDIT: I see that these old posts are getting attention. Please keep in mind that these anti-lov posts were written before I knew the whole story and I was recovering from an extremely tense time. As such, these are inaccurate due to lack of information.

Warnings:

*Mentions of Terrorism

*Mentions of Serial Killing

*Bad Language

*Anti League of Villains

**Anti Himiko Toga

**Anti Dabi

**Twice Critical

*Victim Mentality

Basically, Villain Stans may want to skip this.

First, I kinda knew that HK is being rushed to finish the story, as you can feel it when you read it. I wasn’t aware of the reason though.

Now I am not Japanese and I have never met one personally, but I don’t meet many people (I don’t like them, see?) so I don’t know what they’re thinking. But I think it’s insulting that westerns—yeah, I know who the culprits are, sadly--are making such a gross generalization. But if any of the Eastern parts of the fandom--particularly the Japanese--want to weigh in, then by all means, please do.

Why does everyone assume people hate villains because they’re “out of the norm people?” Jack Sparrow is “out of the norm,” and he’s the most famous pirate in fiction! The Disney villains are all “out of the norm,” and people love them more than the heroes! (And note how most Disney fans aren’t trying to justify their actions either.) Dr. Stein from Soul Eater is “out of the norm,” and—you all get the point.

Why is it so hard to accept that people hate villains because they do VILLAINOUS things? Is it really so hard to believe that villains can be hated because they kill innocent people, steal, and cause harm without remorse? And is it really so unbelievable that not everyone is willing to wave aside their crimes just because of a sad backstory?

Have any of the Japanese fans actually said, “I don’t like this person because they’re different?” Or have they given other reasons that people are ignoring?

“Oppressed ones trying to change the system?” Bullshit. That's my opinion on that. The League of Villains was never oppressed! (At least by the hero society.) Oh, yeah, I’m fucking going there!

Tago is a freaking serial killer, who wants to be able to do whatever she wants without consequence. Even if the thing she wants to do is drink blood without consent or drink them dry.

Dabe just wants revenge on Endeavor and has killed tons of innocent people to do that and even set up his siblings to die as well.

Compress comes from a family of thieves, who claims to want to bring corrupt heroes to light, but we never see that. Maybe his ancestors did, but here he’s just using his powers to hurt people and kidnap kids.

Twice was a criminal who was a one-man army who used his powers to commit armed robberies, battery, and assault (not confirmed if he crossed into murder). 

And finally, Shiggy is a brainwashed criminal whose actions have been manipulated and controlled by All for One since he was little, and he never received the psychological help he needed after accidentally murdering his whole family. He doesn’t want to change anything! He just wants to destroy heroes because that’s what AFO wants.

Spinner may want to change things to help people, but he’s probably the only one.

Every single person in the league is a terrorist who attacked innocent people and resulted in mass destruction. Not one of them is innocent.

Endeavor is the only one on the hero's side who has hurt an innocent person and set a member of the league on the path to villainy. If Dabe only hurt Endeavor we would be having a different talk, but he hurt several innocent people and tried to murder his siblings, so here we are.

The worst that society has done was suffer the bystander syndrome, and yeah, that’s bad, but it’s something everyone’s guilty of. Everyone has seen a stray and ignored them. Everyone has seen a homeless person on the street and moved on with their day. Doesn’t mean everyone deserves to die, it just means we need to be better. Same with the manga.

Now the Meta league, that’s a different story. Yes, they’re still villains and killers, but they’re the ones actually fighting for their rights and unlike the League, they have points. Quirks are a part of who people are, and if they’re not hurting anyone, they should use them. It’s not fair that only “heroes” should be able to use them legally. THEY’RE the “oppressed ones trying to change the system.” And they tried to do it peacefully at first and only went to extremes when no one would listen, as back then there was a fear against quirks. And now, thanks to their history, they’re seen as anarchists and no one is willing to even listen to them. They’re still villains, but they’re villains with a leg to stand on.

The LoVs are just people who kill other people, then throw a fit when they’re called out on it. This reminds me of a villain from demon slayer, who was always going, “Stop picking on me!” or “I can’t stand those who bully the weak!” when said demon was literally murdering a village of people. That’s exactly what the LoVs are. They are stuck on the victim mentally because they don’t want to change.

The heroes are far from perfect, and they’ve done questionable things with the assassins, and Hawks, but the majority of heroes still do everything they can to help people. Some do it for money and fame, but they still save people. Even Endeavor, who is the biggest asshole on the hero side, still saves people every day. (He should still go to jail for child and marital abuse, and lose all custody of his children, but I digress.)

Stans and the narrative can push all they want that the LOVs are just “oppressed ones trying to change the system,” but the facts prove that they aren’t. They’re killers and criminals who want to do bad things without being challenged or made to feel bad.

The manga's not over, so there's a slight chance I may change my mind, but I doubt it. As is--well, I think I've made my feelings clear. 

That’s all from me on the topic. Have a nice day!

[dkettchen]

Today’s book club, y’all!

This time we watched the first season of Kipo (or however many eps you could manage :P) and for next time we’ll be watching the documentary 13th by Ava DuVernay about the US prison system and how it relates to the country’s history of racial inequality! (CWs: slavery, mass incarceration, rape, racial brutality, lynching, graphic images, assault)

<< Last post <<      >> Next post (coming 3/8/20) >>

This is meant to be a positive space for allies to share and learn together on their journey, so be kind and treat each other with empathy. We’re here to share and support, not to argue and alienate. 

Please reply to this post with some stuff you’ve learnt from and that you’ve been thinking about while and after watching Kipo S01. :) I’ll go first:

(gosh I already watched the second season too so I need to avoid spoileys aaah I’ll try my best hha (watch the second season if you have the time, it’s amazing))

I said the other week that I think this show is to race what Steven Universe was to gender/sexuality cause it has the same thing of the education being baked into its very world building and characters. In any white-lead post-apocalyptic thing with mutants and what-not roaming the world, the humans are always posed as the white/cis/str8/etc people in that situation with the mutants being the othered minority group, this time it’s the other way around (well, in the first season, there’s more complexity in the second one but alas, no spoilers x’D). It’s the POC main characters that represent humanity, and the mutants that rule the surface and seek to oppress them. (Combined with Scarlamagne’s fricking 17th century france aesthetic is just *chef’s kiss*, love a strong villain look, hel yeah) This also suddenly brings strong parallels to colonialism and stuff that you could never get with a white main cast! The mutants showed up outta nowhere some day a few hundred years ago and took over the surface, driving the remains of humanity to borrows underground, and now they’re capturing and enslaving humans to further enforce their supremacy and rule everything, even though they clearly already do. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

I feel like, as a minority person myself, I am used to being the one that gets othered for my queer stuff, and I don’t like being othered that way, because it feels unjust and not authentic, it’s done by the outgroup, which if you’re the minority, never fucking knows what your deal actually is. If the group doing the othering is the minority, they know exactly what the majority’s deal is (cause we see them, everywhere, always, when they think nobody’s watching them), and know the kind(s) of pain they have inflicted on them personally, so their representation of them, even when othering them, narratively, as villains, is not only way more authentic than stereotypes based in ignorance, but also just in its accusations, because they're authentic too. And I guess, being someone who (like all of us) has an intersection between privilege in one aspect and disadvantage in another, it feels strangely great in a way to, yes, still be othered, but in a way that I hadn’t been before, that of the thing I have privilege in, and notably not in the way I am used to being othered, the one that I don’t. This is something that SU couldn’t give me because its focus was on the minority I am a part of, I was part of the in-group. If you’re in the outgroup but the outgroup is the one that is privileged, being othered doesn’t mean you get put down and dehumanised like usually. You retain your human dignity, unlike when your minority group is othered, but it still shows you how other people see you and people like you. I haven’t quite figured out why I like this feeling or if I should(?) but hey! New experiences are good!

What I really like about this show, just from a scifi/fantasy (I guess) context, is that they humanise even the monsters. (No “the people were the real monsters” white people movie has ever managed it in this way I think, bc those tend to still other disadvantaged groups (eg POC, trans ppl, mentally ill ppl, disabled ppl, etc) to make their monsters) All of the mutant characters we meet throughout the show (minus most of the megas but even those are just like- animals but big, they’re not like- evil) are people. They aren’t presented as mindless monsters or as naturally and irredeemably evil (looking at u, tolkinian fantasy & monster of the week type properties), but just people, who squabble and fight over petty things, who have restraint, intelligence, agency, interests, prejudices/misconceptions, and live in a society of their own making.

Also shout-out to basic like- educational things made easy for kids to understand via metaphors about subjects that need more (good) representation in media, from struggles of being multiracial, to interracial adoption (& adoption in general), to surviving in a hostile world, self care, the importance of kindness, and sticking up for your own even if they’re fucked up and hurting bc of trauma (some of these also very much come up or carry over and get elaborated on in the second season, again, no spoilers but omg it’s so good, watch it if you can!)

I’ll talk more about stuff I absolutely adored about the second season too if we ever watch that for book club, but just like- there’s a lot there, and I just- ahhh, it hit so close to home in some things

See y’all back here in two weeks (on 3/8/20) to talk about 13th!

[lilybaud]

So I'm curious what oppression do asexual people face? I do understand there are some minor discrimination similar to homosexuality like being told it's a phase, but there have 0 laws against i, very few if any deaths because of it, few forced marriages. Maybe there have been cases of corrective rape?

sorry i took a few days to answer this -- i wanted time to give you a thoughtful response! this is kinda a version of an ask i answered last month, but i hope it helps answer your question!

here are some good posts that explain better than me:

https://livebloggingmydescentintomadness.tumblr.com/post/148453657895/the-aphobia-masterpost (This one goes into ace history, as well as many other topics – big recommend)

https://newt–x.tumblr.com/post/183606679191/a-spec-people-dont-experience-oppression (includes more comments/edits on the above)

So how are aces oppressed?

Let’s start with medical discrimmination: asexuality is classified as a mental disorder that you can get diagnosed with.  Although the DSM-5 says that asexuality is a valid identity, it still lists hypoactive sexual disorder as – well, a disorder.  This is basically defined as when someone is disinterested in sexual activity, and this disinterest causes them distress.  This is the same boat that homosexuality was in until a few decades ago – and obviously, aphobia (and homophobia) are very likely to make people feel “distressed” about their sexual identity (I know that I do!)  Imagine going to a psychiatrist and having them tell you that your orientation is a disorder that needs to be fixed: not great.

Even when ace people are not being explicitly diagnosed with Being an Asexual Disease, asexuals can often get into hostile medical situations, particularly in mental health settings.  I have had several appointments with psychiatrists, counselors, and the like that were meant to be about unrelated topics, but when it came out that I was ace, the conversation turned to why this was a sign of isolation/pathology/other fuckedupedness.  Other aces might be able to better speak about their experiences in this area, as I often avoid bringing up the topic in medical settings for this reason.

the discrimmination you’re talking about

Asexual people, particularly (but not only) female-identifying aces, have also long (long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) been targets of corrective rape and sexual assault. Here’s a good (altho far from exhaustive) HuffPost article on the subject.  Corrective rape is a huge issue.  This is a very prevalent fear for a lot of ace people, who also face other types of violence.  A really horrible and tragic example is the murder of ace teen Bianca Devins last year by a man that she refused to sleep with (I won’t post links because they’re pretty upsetting) -- a death that aphobes online are still making terrifying comments about.

So yes! Ace ppl do actually face violence and death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s a post that talks about why it’s hard to be an ace PoC (like me!)

Tl;dr, many people don’t know what asexuality is – it’s sometimes called an “invisible identity.”  But that doesn’t mean ace people aren’t discrimminated against as aces.

Exclusion from the LGBTQIA+ community

As I’m sure you know, many fellow people in the queer community hate ace people.  There’s a perception that ace people are being special snowflakes, that we are basically straight, that we are not oppressed enough to be part of the community, that we diminish the importance of other sexual orientations, and on and on.  This is really hard for ace people, because we seek queer spaces, spaces that are supposed to be safe for marginalized identities, are often those that are most explicitly anti-ace.  

In addition, some in the queer community used to identify as ace because they had internalized homophobia or other things, and view asexuality as a cover for those feelings based on their own experiences.

From queer tumblr bloggers I follow to comments by queer friends and acquaintances, I’ve personally had spaces that I thought were safe revealed to be aphobic.  That’s a pretty upsetting experience – I don’t talk about being ace very often, but it’s devastating to know that people you encounter in your everyday life spend so much time thinking about how much they hate people like you.

All this leads to many ace people being scared and unhappy.  In a UK government survey of LGBTQIA+ individuals, asexuals were the group least likely to be “open” about their identity (at 89% reporting that they were not open).  Cis aces were the least comfortable being queer in the UK, and had the lowest life satisfaction scores, out of all cis responders (the survey did not break down the responses of trans responders into allo/ace).

(Side note – many ace people emphasize other parts of their identities in order to participate in queer spaces.  For example, if pressed in a pride group or seminar or friendly gathering or etc., I might just say I’m bi.  This sucks too!  All parts of your identity are legitimate and that should go without saying?)

Personally, there are few environments where I am comfortable with people knowing that I am ace.  I don’t wear obvious pride gear, and I don’t call myself ace when I’m in LGBT+ groups.  I’ve never come out to a romantic or sexual partner as ace.  My sexual experiences have been highly traumatizing in part because of my identity.  Only a few of my closest friends know that I’m ace.  The negative perceptions of ace people, particularly those in the queer community, are main causes of this.

Why do we need to be oppressed to be let in?

One of exclusionists’ favorite sticking points is that aces aren’t oppressed enough to be part of the queer community.  We do face discrimination in major ways – see above.  But this raises a question: why do we have to be oppressed to be welcomed into LGBTQIA+ spaces?  What qualifies as oppression?  Is societal oppression “enough,” or does every ace person have to be personally subjected to a hate crime?  I’m not sure if this line of thought comes from a genuine belief that society has to personally take a shit in your bed every day for you to even think about feeling comfortable in queer spaces, or if it is just cover for an instinctive dislike of ace people.  Regardless, it’s something to think about.  To quote the first masterpost linked at top:

“Nobody is trying to say that asexuals have it “as bad” or worse than gay or trans people, but we don’t HAVE to “have it worse” to be included and for our experiences to have merit without being compared to anyone else’s. Let me say that again: our experiences have merit without being compared to anyone else’s. “

Anyway thanks for your question!  I don’t know if this helps or changes your mind on the topic.  Please reach out if you have any other questions about my experiences as an ace person!

[henrysun]

Some real trans thoughts from a real train boy

I love being in this body, going through this puberty, experiencing life a new man, becoming a new man every time I wake up. I love being nonconforming and fucking with your expectations. I love my little dick, even though he's not what I need him to be. I love being a man who loves men and a nonconforming boi who loves nb and nonconforming ppl. I love being this beautiful brown boy with eyes so dark they appear black and hair on my nose that I used to get insecure about.

Some days, I wake up from a dysphoria dream and I try to pull my breast tissue off like silly putty. Some days, I reach down to adjust my dick and discover I do not have the one I thought I did. And some days, that's more of a confusion than it is a striking pain. Some days, dysphoria comes in other shapes than dissociation.

Being gay is no longer a primary identity. It can no longer be when the world is subjecting me to so much for being brown and trans: what they can more obviously see on my skin, in my voice, in the way that I walk. I miss being gay. I feel as if I am not GAY anymore, as if yes I love men and yes I love nb and nonconforming ppl, but that that does not make me truly GAY because I am more truly TRANS bc that is where I am oppressed the most.

I walk into most interactions, especially with authority figures, with fear and yet nonchalance. I KNOW they will discriminate against me. I EXPECT not to get that job, to be disrespected, to be told trans rights do not belong Here.

Being brown and trans in this nation is difficult. But it could never had prepared me for being brown, trans, and on hrt. Before I was on hrt, before I was given this beautiful body that I love so much with all of these wonderful changes, before I had to shakingly stab myself in the thigh once a week to (what I now understand) save my life, you could categorise me in your head as a lesbian and move on. Because LESBIAN is less offensive to the cis brain than TRANS BOI and especially less than BROWN TRANS BOI. Because cis people can't even fathom that you can be nonconforming and on hrt, because cis people have no conception of the infinite flavours of manhood. I watch my other trans friends move through life without the kind of exhaustion I have, I watch them try to be allies to brown gay and brown trans ppl (gay as an umbrella term here). But they cannot know the unique experience of the brown trans person, because they're white, so many of them are white. There are trans support groups and racial trauma support groups, but where is my trans and racial trauma support group? There simply aren't enough of us to justify one.

My friends and I joke that I am an 80 year old man. But sometimes that jokes feels more like reality. Sometimes I get told by authority in my college that I am too trans to live with women and female dorming anymore. That it was okay for this year, but next year they are creating a new policy where all trans masc ppl are categorised the same way cis men are and they now have to accomodate religions that don't want to live with trans ppl. And they throw me around like a ragdoll and try to put me in inferior housing or housing that violates my ada accomodations. And I get exhausted and I say "do what you must to me, I will pick and choose my battles." I feel 80 then. I feel so tired, I feel as though I have so much weight on my shoulders, that I have to be 80.

It's not normal for a college student to have seen what I have in this life. It's not normal for a boy my age to know what I must know.

And as the testosterone continues to run its course, as I continue to masculinise and love myself, the discrimination gets worse. But one day I will wake up and I will just be a man to them, maybe--one day I will receive male privilege just like my cis male counterparts, maybe. And when that day comes, how will I grapple with all of this struggle? How will I reason it through? How will I live one life, inevitably, stealth and one life out and juggle in my mind the differences of my existence? I am scared. I am so scared.

I am scared to be a brown man in this country, too. Because while being read as a man means gaining so much privilege, being a brown man means I no longer fear cops raping me but I now fear cops shooting me dead. Being a brown woman meant, to me, sexual assault and being a brown man means, to me, death. And being a brown trans man means, to me, both.

But I am not a rapist, I am not a gang member, I am not any longer a drug dealer. I do not beat my girlfriends (or partners for that matter, but a gay brown man? They don't exist) and I do not commit crimes. I am not what you have built a brown man up to be, I am not what you think a Mexican man must be.

I've been abandoned and abused by my family, assaulted for this body, disrespected for the labels I have taken that do not begin to define me. I have been rejected from this country like a bad organ transplant.

But I love love love being Chicanx. I love love love being trans. I love love love being gay. I take all these things and I never wish I were white or cis or straight. Because what a sad existence I would live not knowing what I know. (No shame to any of my cis, straight, white pals out there. You would think your existence would be sad, also, if I took your key identifiers or experiences away from you. What if you were never abused as a child? What if you had never been broken up with in high school? I think you'll find your life is only your life because you have seen what you have seen.)

I don't have many friends because I cannot be friends with anyone who misgenders me or anyone who makes racist comments or anyone who calls me a fag (I recently lost a friend bc after months of friendship, he decided to finally let out his homophobia and transphobia--oh but only when I started to persue a man because that's when I became a real gay man, before I was just theoretically gay). And you begin to realise what a world we live in, when your options become so limited. Am I okay with this world? No. Am I okay with myself? I'm certainly fighting to be.

These are just my thoughts. Obviously, there are infinite unique experiences of trans folk. This is mine. I hope someone can relate. If you don't relate, that's okay, too. If you want to leave a negative comment, go away I don't need you in my life. I think you'll find your negative comments are going to be racist and transphobic, if you look close enough into your heart.

[neurodivergent-space-ace]

1.) I’m autistic and gifted (a lot of ppl understand as Aspergers but he was a Nazi so I use that instead) and I fit the stereotype of a “genius” and a lot of people ignore me saying clearly I don’t feel romantic attraction, seeing it as a byproduct of who I am instead of an integral part of who I am. When I came out to my mum she thought it was because of me being autistic (I’d just been diagnosed) and rejoiced when she found a story about an autistic woman who’d fallen in love for the 1st time at 20 (sounds like she was maybe like ace and grey aro). I find that being neurodivergent and aro I am often treated like my orientation is not a major part of my identity, or that it is completely invalid because I’m autistic and gifted.

2.) Does not apply.

3.) being aroace really changes how people see me, I have a really clear experience because I first came out to my mum as ace, then aro. When she just knew I was ace she was all like “you can still have a fufilling relationship” etc. It really hurt and I came out as aro about 6 months later. That really was tough, I thought that she had totally given up on me being happy because she no longer talked about me having a happy life. Most people are similar, suddenly I get a lot less comments about having a “happy life” because most people can’t imagine how someone could be happy and not have any romantic or sexual relationships.

4.) Does not apply.

5.) I remember being like 11 and my mother said something about people in a relationship and I was like ewww and she snapped at me and said “you know I worry about this. are you sure nobody has sexually assaulted you because this isn’t normal”. My mum after I said no i wasn’t assulted decided I was aro because of the trauma of her and my dad’s relationship. She also decided it would change once I came out at 14. My sister belived for years it was something I was going to grow out of because I’m autistic and in some areas I “develop slower” (her words and factually incorrect, autistic infant’s brains grow 10x faster). When I went for testing at 14 (to revive an autism diagnosis) the psychologist asked me questions about marriage and said that my trouble answering was a serious sign I don’t understand social conventions. It actually shows up in my report so she kinda diagnosed me as aro I guess🤦

6.) I think society as a whole is very uninformed and unaware of aromanticism. I think that alloaros are stereotyped all the time as heartless and aroaces are stereotyped as thinking love is “beneath them”. It really is evident in our laws about things like next of kin that platonic relationships are systematically not as valued. It has never taught in Sex-Ed or featured in any prominent media, so most people have never even seen an example or ever thought of it as valid.

7.) Nobody I’ve come out to has ever known what aromantic means. Most have also been unaware of what asexual means.

8.) Yes I do feel comfortable, but probably not totally safe all the time tbh, but I am totally comfortable with who I am and I don’t hide it. I don’t really go many places alone which I think contributes to my feeling of safety. I do feel pretty safe most places I go. I once saw a Starbucks barista at my local bookstore with an ace pin so that’s something.

9.) I have been very frequently misconceived by everyone who I’ve clearly been aro to but who hasn’t know what it is (so everyone).

10.) I think the biggest misconceptions are

That aro people “can’t” have fufilling lives

That being aro is always because of something traumatic

That aro people are all just cold hearted/repressed

That it’s something we grow out of

That we don’t/can’t like affection or other things because they’re only romantic.

That we’re not oppressed

That we will change if we find the right person/we’re “just picky”

And I think most of these come from anormativity and a lack of awareness and representation.

11.) My questioning process went like this: I knew from age like 8 or 9 I didn’t get crushes, on anyone. Nobody belived me when I said it and the focus on romance and sexual attraction amped up at school and home. My mum thought I was repressing myself and I was constantly worried. I was torn between wanting to be myself and being afraid that I had crushes or not disappointing my mum and being the only way I thought people could be (allo and alloromantic). At 13 I discovered the word asexual. I thought it meant what aroace means and only came out as ace like a year after finding the term. I still felt misunderstood. I saw the term “aro” online but didn’t know how it differed from ace so I started looking. At first I was doubting I was aro because I love platonic affection and love and so I was like ?!? Is this romance? It was not a very long process once I found the term, and about a few weeks later I was identifying with aroace.

Hello, I would like to address the reader of this post. I need to ask something of you. If you are alloaro, aroace, or arospec I need you to please answer this survey and spread it. If you are not aro, kindly spread this.

I am part of the AroZine team(@thearozine) and my assignment is to do a survey on how aros are perceived and misconcieved. I'd really appreciate it if you could help provide some data, as the bigger my pool is, the more accurate my information is.

Thank you.

----------------------------------------------------------

*You do not have to answer any questions you do not feel comfortable answering for any reason. I won't ask why*

1.) If you are a neurodivergent aro, how does affect how others perceive you?

2.) If you are alloaro, how does this affect how others perceive you?

3.) If you are aroace, how does this affect how others perceive you?

4.) If you are arospec, how does this affect how others perceive you?

5.) Have you been told your sexuality is fake, or a medical issue, or otherwise invalid? For what reasons? By whom?

6.) How do you feel society as a whole percieves your sexuality?

7.) How many people did not know what your sexuality was when you came out?

8.) Do you feel comfortable or safe displaying your sexuality in public? Why or why not?

9.) How have you been personally percieved and misconcieved? How often? By whom?

10.) What do you feel are the biggest misconceptions about your sexuality?

11.) How was your questioning process? Were you reluctant to identify as aro?

[cerullos]

You don't have to answer. Reading the responses to that reblog about ace struggles made me really sad. The way you talk about the ace thing in general makes me sad. And I really like you, actually. I know some in the ace community are homophobic fucks. And a lot of ppl in the gay community are transphobic. And a lot of trans people are biphobic. And a lot of bi people are sexist. Ad infinitum. This doesn't have to be the oppression olympics. Intersectionality is the only way out of this mess.

And it’s true. Ace people have not faced systemic oppression. It’s hard to systemically oppress someone when you systemically refuse to acknowledge their existence. Is that as bad as being electrocuted? No. But is that the point here? Why say that? Why amplify that kind of divisive message? We just want to belong somewhere. You can believe this or not, but we’re dying here. The LGBT community has been the only safe place I’ve known my entire life. To figure out years later that I was labeling..

myself wrong? It was the most terrifying feeling I’ve ever experienced. It still is. It’s like we don’t exist. One person was shitting on people who say they’re ‘gay ace’. Why? Can’t I still fall in love with women, despite not experiencing sexual attraction? Don’t you think I would rather enjoy sex with my partner? Being able to give her what she needs? Not being left again and again? Loneliness is a very real pain. And gay ace people exist. I exist. And let me tell you, we’re lonely as fuck.

Straight people see us simply as gay, and treat us that way. So we’re getting electrocuted too. Sexual, gay people tell us we’re ‘cis/het’ liars trying to steal their community. So we have no safe space. We can’t find partners. Our friends, family, and fellow LGBT ppl don’t understand us or even believe in our existence. We are constantly questioning out own existence. I don’t mean to flood you. I realize that’s what I’m doing. But I’ve seen this kind of post coming from your direction a few…

times now. And I feel like maybe this will make you think a bit about what it might feel like to not ever experience the thing EVERYBODY is talking about. Building their lives around. To feel like your broken. Like you’re gonna die alone. Being constantly told you’re not real, your feelings aren’t valid, your struggle is silly. You’ve got a lot of followers. And being ace has made me full on suicidal in the past. So just. Think about it. Gay ace is a real thing. Can you see how you might have…

privilege over a person like that? everyone in my life sees me as gay. I fall in love with women. and yet here we are. can’t you see how I might want to be in your shoes? At least you’re real. At least you have a community. At least you have *some* representation that rings true to your experience. At least you could get a girlfriend that loves you and build a life without either getting dumped for not putting out or subjecting yourself to sex when your body doesn’t want it.

Anyways. I’m not writing this because I want you to answer anything. I’m just hoping you’ll read it and think about it a bit, maybe. If you have, thank you. I really like you Christine. Not trying to be a bitch. But I doubt I’m the only one whose feelings get hurt when you amplify the ‘ace people are cis/hets trying to crash the LGBT community’ noise. - With love in my heart, from a long time follower.

okay, this is long but i’m going to try to keep my answers as succinct as possible. i don’t know if this was your intention, but elements of this message feel vaguely guilt-tripping, despite the fact that none of what you’ve mentioned here presents an argument i haven’t already seen and strongly disagreed with.

“ I know some in the ace community are homophobic fucks. a lot of ppl in the gay community are transphobic. And a lot of trans people are biphobic. And a lot of bi people are sexist […] This doesn’t have to be the oppression olympics. ”

two things: one, you’re referring to lateral aggression in every instance but the first. what i mean by lateral aggression is that it occurs between two people–within the same community–who experience oppression along different axes (e.g. a straight trans person and a cis gay person). in contrast, a cis straight ace man who engages in homophobia and/or transphobia is not “laterally aggressing” his victim, he’s oppressing them. the reason LGBT people have become so vocal against inclusion of cis straight aces is because their oppressors are now gaining entrance to their exclusive spaces, and speaking over them. and whereas a lesbian can voice her discomfort with this on tumblr, she’s forced to stay silent at her local GSA for her own safety.

two, this isn’t an issue of a “handful” of violently homophobic people in the ace community. the founder of aven–david jay–was a homophobic white cishet man, and the platform on which he built his activism was homophobic. moreover, oppression against (straight, cis) ace people is not enforceable, because who is and isn’t ace depends entirely on the decision to identify as such! there are (as the ace community has been told many, many times) plenty of LGBT people (if not most) who have a complicated relationship with sex and sexual attraction due to abuse/assault, compulsive heterosexuality, dysmorphia, etc. none of these people can be considered “allosexual,” even if they (for perfectly valid reasons) decline to share this information publicly! these people deal with many of the same issues you’ve mentioned here (e.g. choosing between getting dumped or engaging in sexual acts when they would rather not), although they would likely attribute this to homophobia, misogyny and rape culture, not aphobia.

also: the “oppression olympics” is nonsensical and offensive and i wish y’all would stop passing that term around. yes, the LGBT community’s history is absolutely rooted in oppression of same-gender attracted and trans individuals! and yes, the community exists to actively oppose legislation that exists to oppress them, and to provide resources for those affected. the community was not founded in order to provide comfort to people who feel outcast from society for [x] reason. when you make this claim (or when you sarcastically liken the community to an exclusive “club” one gains entrance to by virtue of being oppressed) you miss the point entirely. it’s watering down the mission statement and end goal of this community, plain and simple.

“And it’s true. Ace people have not faced systemic oppression. It’s hard to systemically oppress someone when you systemically refuse to acknowledge their existence.”

i find this argument (which is repeated often) to be ridiculous when the LGBT community has years of coherent history, and AVEN (and the popularization of identifying as asexual in the first place) has only gained prominence within the last decade or so. on top of that, as any oppressed individual will tell you, (and, again, something that has been repeated very often and rarely acknowledged) hypervisibility is dangerous to the oppressed! black and latinx trans women and gay men are the most endangered members of the LGBT community because it is impossible for them to “hide” themselves.

this alone should make it clear to you that what the LGBT community want and what the ace community want are two very different things–so what exactly would their shared goal in activism be? what purpose would expanding the community to include straight cis aces serve other than comforting individuals who resent being excluded? LGBT people may share the ace community’s desire for representation in media, but visibility–within the context of their everyday lives–is exactly what’s getting them killed. the pulse shooting is obviously the most recent example of this, but it’s one of many.

“One person was shitting on people who say they’re ‘gay ace’. Why? Can’t I still fall in love with women, despite not experiencing sexual attraction? Don’t you think I would rather enjoy sex with my partner? Being able to give her what she needs? Not being left again and again? Loneliness is a very real pain. And gay ace people exist. I exist. And let me tell you, we’re lonely as fuck.”

you’re introducing a very different argument here, and one i obviously don’t agree with. if you’re a gay ace, you belong in the LGBT community. i’m sorry you’ve been told otherwise. but if this entire passage (and the several paragraphs following it) are meant to convince me of this, i don’t know what to tell you? i’ve said before that–based on my history and  relationship with sex and sexual attraction–i could easily identify as an ace lesbian. i don’t, for some of the reasons listed above, and personal reasons of my own–and i don’t benefit from failing to identify as ace in any material way.

“And I feel like maybe this will make you think a bit about what it might feel like to not ever experience the thing EVERYBODY is talking about. Building their lives around. To feel like your broken. Like you’re gonna die alone. Being constantly told you’re not real, your feelings aren’t valid, your struggle is silly.”

i’m genuinely sorry you’re feeling this way, but again, if you think this is an experience LGBT people (ace or otherwise) don’t share, then i’m not the one turning a blind eye here.

“At least you’re real. At least you have a community. At least you have *some* representation that rings true to your experience. At least you could get a girlfriend that loves you and build a life without either getting dumped for not putting out or subjecting yourself to sex when your body doesn’t want it.”

you need to consider that you are making assumptions about what i want from a relationship based on the fact that i don’t publicly identify as ace. this is another thing we’ve been repeating constantly: you cannot do that, and therein lies one of the issues with asexuality as a framework for oppression. also, even on the off chance that i had a perfectly healthy relationship with and desire for sex (which–as i’ve said–very few people in the LGBT community do) none of us can just “get a girlfriend.” to suggest it’s more difficult for ace people is ridiculous when LGBT people have had to resort to dating apps and LGBT-exclusive spaces in order to find people to date in the first place. and before you say that similar spaces don’t exist for aces: they need to be built, just like ours were. the onus is on adult aces, not “allo” LGBT people.  

and, again, what an ace person would potentially want from an ace-exclusive space is not what an LGBT person (provably, historically) would want from an LGBT-exclusive space. ace condemnation of sex and sexuality is valid at the individual level, but it can be suffocating (and, yes–oppressive) to LGBT people who have fought long and hard to take pride in their sexuality. telling LGBT people that their love and “PDA” is “dirty” and “impure” is nothing new or progressive, it’s textbook homophobia, and those attitudes are damaging to us.

“Anyways. I’m not writing this because I want you to answer anything. I’m just hoping you’ll read it and think about it a bit, maybe. If you have, thank you. I really like you Christine. Not trying to be a bitch. But I doubt I’m the only one whose feelings get hurt when you amplify the ‘ace people are cis/hets trying to crash the LGBT community’ noise. - With love in my heart, from a long time follower.”

look…i hate to tell you this because i don’t think you mean any harm, and i’m not trying to attack you–but, as i think i said earlier, none of the arguments you’ve presented here are new to me. these are arguments that have been addressed and derailed by LGBT people (many of them ace themselves) multiple times, to no end. what you’ve mentioned here highlights an important point, and that’s “hurt feelings.” those are the stakes for straight cis aces–those are not the stakes for LGBT people (and i include LGBT aces in this statement). but i haven’t “learned” anything from these messages–i’ve never plugged my ears and ignored the arguments of straight cis aces, i’ve listened to them very carefully. and they’ve informed my opinion on this matter–an opinion that hasn’t changed and will not change. if that’s upsetting to you, you can unfollow–i won’t hold it against you!