#like you needing a month to recover from a stressful week is normal

[emeraldbloodcrown]

i'm thinking of an alpha 141, with price and simon being you stereotypical alphas, while johnny and kyle might be mistaken for betas - until you piss them off and then even price and simon struggle to hold them back.

they're all alphas but they're also all part of the same pack, which wasn't planned by either of them but it's not unheard of for that to happen in a task force as close knit as the 141. it's their bread and butter to go into the most dangerous situations, to protect one another, to take bullets or knifes for the others; they're the only ones who can actually understand the depth of the trauma each of them is going through.

of course they'd bond together and form a pack. but they're all also alphas. alphas with a desperate wish to mate and breed, and they can't do that with each other, they need an omega for that. but an omega who not only accepts and respects their weird pack dynamic but actively wants that? unheard of, chances so slim they were non-existent.

but so were the chances of simon crawling out of that grave or johnny recovering from that shot to the head.

and they did find one, someone who loved all four of them, someone who wanted to be their mate and give them a child. a beautiful little girl, who somehow seemed to share all of their appearances. and it was perfect.

until it wasn't. until these alphas had to gravel with the situation that their omega was gone, mating bond ripped apart, and their little girl screaming her lungs out. so used to the omega's scent, which after months of trying their best was now fully gone, that it put her in severe distress for weeks on end, leaving not only her but her fathers restless.

and then there's you, their newly moved in neighbor, they only knew their name from their landlord when they came back from their latest mission, knocking and looking just as stressed as them.

price had opened the door for you, chest puffed and ready to tear you apart for coming at his pack but you were calm..exhausted beyond belief, of course, but understanding and most of all concerned for their girl..

"all that screaming can't be healthy for her either"

you had a small container with you, a remedy from your great-grandmother, all herbal so as not to offend her nose, that needs to be rubbed into her chest before bed.

"i'll just leave it here, maybe it helps"

johnny, always the perceptive one, will forever remember how you smiled sadly at their daughter, how your fingers seemed to itch towards her before you remembered your place and just left.

they would soon find out that you were an utter blessing, kind to the bone and so unbelievably considerate. the ointment worked wonders and for the first time in over a month, they saw their daughter smile again and each other finally relax.

and from that point on, johnny was gone, absolutely enamored by you and always jumping at the chance to invite you into their circles, knowing full well the others were much more hesitant, the pain and trauma from their omega abandoning them still stiff in their bones.

but they'd see what he already saw, and it was like you wanted to prove him right when you found out about what happened to their omega, to the one among them that should be bonded the closest to their little girl but was still able to just leave.

you clenched your fingers so tight he was almost afraid you'd break something, the muscles in your neck tightened and you downright snarled, nostrils flared and lip pulled back.

"is...is that normal? her screaming like that for weeks on end? is that likely to happen with something like this?"

the air in the room tensed, charged, similar to before a storm, and it answered all of their suspicion, when they gave you the answer that yes, it was normal - and it audibly cracked around you, like thunder striking, and you had to take a deep breath, mumbling in an old language to let your environment not be influenced by your emotions, lest you hurt or scare any of them.

"you're a witch"

and damn, it should terrify him, witches and shifters don't mix well but all he can think of is that he was right, you were perfect for them, your protectiveness of their daughter only outmatched by them, and if johnny hadn't already made up his mind, hadn't already talked it through with his pack, this would definitely solidify it:

witch or not, you were theirs and mark or not, they'd never let you leave again.

[mindfulstudyquest]

❥﹒♡﹒☕﹒ 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗮 𝗯𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗼𝘂𝘁; this is my personal way of coping with burnout, it may not work for you, but feel free to share in the comments the things that make you feel better when you feel this way ( blogger's note at the end of the post ).

𝟭. recognize the signs ( 🏳️ )

the moment of denial is over. i know, burnouts always come at the worst times when you have upcoming exams and a thousand things to do, but ignoring it won't get you anywhere, on the contrary, it will only prolong the worst, so recognizing and accepting the signs of burnout is the first step to getting out of it. if you don't end it, it'll end you, right? some common symptoms of burnout are exhaustion, excessive irritability, hormonal imbalances, change in appetite (too much or too little), sleep irregularities, increase in nervous tics.

𝟮. take time off ( 🫧 )

allow yourself to rest and recharge by taking a break from work or other stressors. depending on the severity of the burnout you may need an afternoon, or perhaps a couple of days to recover, it's not important, the important thing is that you reserve some deep rest that can really recharge you to start studying/working again. put off all non-essential tasks, put your phone on do not disturb mode and allow your brain to rest. if you have slept little in the previous days, taking a nap will not be bad.

𝟯. set boundaries + practice self care ( 🌱 )

establish clear boundaries between work and personal life to prevent burnout from reoccurring. prioritize activities that promote physical and mental well-being, such as exercise, meditation, and hobbies. i personally love taking care of my body doing beauty treatments that make me feel better about myself. i also deep clean my room and change my bedsheets, if it's true that the mess in our room is a reflection of the mess in our mind i can't see why it can't go both ways: removing the mess from my room is like cleaning my head from the stress in it.

𝟰. rearrange priorities ( 🐝 )

delegate everything you can delegate, you can't do everything alone and it's normal to seek support from colleagues and family. reorganize yourself so you have a plan to follow as soon as you recharge your batteries. ask yourself what led to burnout, was it the workload? in that case breaking it into smaller tasks could make it less onerous. maybe it was it's difficulty? maybe asking for help or using some time for additional research might work. in short, prepare a realistic scheme to follow to tackle the task.

𝟱. seek support ( ❣️ )

talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings and experiences to gain perspective and emotional support.

𝗯𝗹𝗼𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 hi everyone, it's no secret that i've posted very little in the last week, but unfortunately i experienced a bad burnout that incapacitated me for a few days. family circumstances, academic stress and the arrival of spring have added up to take away the strength to do anything from me, but i'm here to recover and here is a simple guide that i always follow when i find myself in these situations. on the one hand i'm happy tho, it's my first burnout since i started university, eight months ago now, i remember that when i was in high school they were much more frequent and long, i feel i've become much more stable.

[lizlovell]

You're Losing Me

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Angst//part one

part 2

summary:You and Draco grew distant for the first time ever in your relationship of two years.You are getting tired being the only one trying to fix things.

As the third week of December drew closer, the sky became gloomier with cold embracing the Hogwarts and its library became busier with scrambling students stressed out for midterm before the winter break.But this december not only brought cold to your school,but also to your relationship with Draco Malfoy,unfortunately there is no amount of sweater u can wear to recover from it.

''We both are just probably busy with studies,everything will go back to normal once the exams are over''

You try to comfort yourself as you tag your freezing hand inside your coat,remembering how Draco used to always scold you for forgetting gloves.He would hold your cold hands nonetheless,and put them in his coat for extra warmth. You felt a pang in your chest when u find yourself thinking about the memories again. No matter how hard you tried to ignore,you can't shake off the feeling of the way his eyes turned icy whenever he looks at you now.

You haven't talked to Draco properly for a week now. It's either he is studying or you are busy with essays. And in meal time in Great Hall, his cold galres and sharp replies drained your energy to talk at all. But, you can't just let it happen, not when you have spent your past two years falling head over heels for the blonde boy.So,you tried your best to pretend like nothing is wrong,like the physically painful tension between you and him doesn't exist at all. And finally,the exam is over before it snaps.

''Dray..do you wanna go to Hogsmeade together before the Christmas break? ''

His eyes are tense.His brows are frowned noticably. The pale and long fingers are folded far away from yours.

''I don't rlly know. I might have to go home ealier this year''

Lies.

''we can at least spend tonight together right?we can go to astronomy tower and-''

Then it snapped.

''No,Y/N .I don't want to. The exam just finished. Let me live''

It is like an ice bucket has poured over your head. Numb, lost and cold.

''..why'',you sobbed out .

''There is no why.I'm just tired. and we do not have anything to talk anyway,do we? Y/N...we spend our days in same routine:what's still there to talk. stop playing pretend. we both know we need some break''.

You desperately searched for any signs of intimacy in his eyes,any signs, just anything at all,but the silver orbs are colder than ever. A gust of wind rushed through and messed up his blonde locks. You felt a chill run down your spine.

''a break?''

Suddenly,everything start making sense to you. How he had time to run around from parties to parties but not for you.How his laughs faded when you entered the group conversation. How he dropped your hand in the hallway. How he hasn't hold u for a month now. The exam wasn't a cause,it was a mere excuse all along. He was falling out of love.

''not as in break but you know what i mean...'', his tone is soft with guilt lingering around. A heavy sigh left him. He gets closer to you awkwardly. Can this even be called as a hug? Instead of the warmth it used to give, it feels suffocated and forced. You shivered.

"whatever you mean Draco''

You are getting tired being the only one putting effort. Staring at his messy hair and his stressful figure, you've decided you are going to let this go. All these memories you made in two years, all the ''I can't live without you'' talk. All the sneaking between classes,making love. Love? Was it even there.

You dropped his hand. You ignored the uncertain guilt in his eyes. You turned your heel and walked away.

Draco never meant for this sort of thing to happen between two of you. You were precious. The way your soft touch traced along his face to comfort him whenever something worried him. The way you squeezed his hands with a smile whenever he felt the disappointment in himself. You saw things other could not see in him. Your lips brought love and peace he didn't even know exist in him. He didn't realize how he should be grateful for the things until they are gone. Now everything is gone. He thought he might feel free and less responsible once he is away from you. He put all of his stress and the pressure from his family on you. Merlin,he feels the terrible guilt ride in him.

He spent the entire holiday forcing himself to believe he did a right thing and he should feel more satisfied now. He didn't. His days became more terrible. He started to notice how clean his dorm used to be when you were around. He started to find himself subconciously looking for your presence in his sleep. The alone time he thought he needed start to haunt him down.

He waited. He waited for you to come back to him like you always did whenever he pushed you away. But he grew more restless day by day whenever he see you in the hallways and classes unbothered and calm sitting NOT next to him. For once in his life,Draco Malfoy knew he fucked up. He has lost you.

. . . . . . .

part 2

[sunshineandspencer]

Playing nurse (End)

Let me stress, this is not Maeve from the show, but my own Maeve just named the same to send Spencer into hell whenever he thinks about it.

A/N: I have a chronic fear of things ending. I've had this written for like two weeks but I hate the idea of it being over. Sorry, and thank you for everyone who enjoyed my first story on tumblr <33

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!OC.

Summary: He takes care of her until she’s finally cleared by the Doctor and he can make good on his promise

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: kissing (ew), slightly suggestive at the end but nothing described

Parts: Pt1, Pt2, Pt3, Pt4, Pt5, Pt6, Pt7, Pt8, Pt9, Pt10

be added to the taglist!!

While he had been overbearingly sweet and protective while she recovered, and was let out of the hospital, her pretty new boyfriend still hasn’t kissed her.

Not for a lack of trying either.

Every chance she got, she would try and subtly drag him closer, but he always caught on. Giving her a chiding look and turning them back to whatever they had been doing. She’d wear her prettiest lip gloss and do stupid things to try and convince him. 

But his mind was set, until she got cleared by the doctor, no smooching.

Besides, despite his gleaming teasing, she wasn’t desperate. After waiting months and assuming he hated her, she can last a few more weeks. For the stitches to heal and the pain to finally stop without meds.

Spencer, true to his word, didn’t leave her side. Helping her get back and settle into her apartment, at which he lamented no longer living in ‘their’ house.

That, at least, got him to suck in a painful breath and press a kiss to her hair.

God did he miss that too.

Sure, he’d stayed in the guest room and given her free reign of that master bedroom, but that had been enough - he hadn’t needed to sleep in the same bedroom as her to feel close. The whole thing had only three days together but it felt like a lifetime.

Eating every meal together, doing stupid tasks like cleaning and shopping, watching crap reality television and getting strangely into it. He missed being able to casually touch her as his ‘wife’, but girlfriend is an excellent place for them to start again together after everything they’d gone through.

The fear of losing her had been debilitating, and looking after her now, staying in her spare room, was what he needed.

To see her every day and be reminded that she’s completely fine.

His damn woman wasn’t making it easy in trying to stop her from pulling her stitches or injuring herself further. Those first couple of days, with her constantly trying to sneak a kiss in, she was being impossible. But he won’t - he can’t - not until she’s cleared.

Thankfully his incentive worked and after a while - well, after she had a breakdown in the kitchen and he’d had to hold her and make sure he knows that he wants to but he’s worried about her recovery - and was finally patient.

Thanks to her newfound patience, they fell into a routine; he would wake up in her spare room and go to wake her up with painkillers and new bandages, check on her stitches, and then spend the day together. The two of them are definitely in the honeymoon phase - as Garcia gleefully tells her in every facetime.

Yes, they love each other, but they’re also so used to having their own space, which they’ll probably love after all this is over. Needing some alone time doesn’t mean they don’t still completely love each other - but they’d lived as individuals so long it would take some time to adjust.

The honeymoon phase was saving their ass - and their relationship. Everyday spent together is bliss.

Learning, properly, about each other. She talked about her family, normal in some remote town, and his decidedly less normal childhood. He finally told her about Maeve and why he had been so harsh, which she understood but still called him daft. Honestly they talked about anything and everything. Until Spencer was fairly certain he’d be able to identify her blind, just from the breath she takes before she speaks.

Thanks to his diligence, and her eventual co-operation, it was only two weeks until she could finally get the bandage and stitches removed. With no incidents since she left the hospital.

Once she’s cleared for duty, and the Doctor begins to send the paperwork through to prove it to Emily, they leave.

Their hands laced together and swinging between them, Maeve chatting excitedly about going back to work. All the way from the office, in the elevator and through the main entrance to the parking lot.

“Oh I can’t wait to see Penelope. Facetiming just isn’t the same.. I want a hug. Plus I miss the smell of stale coffee and the patriarchy.” Giving him a grin as they get closer to her mini, the keys swinging in his other hand. “Is it weird that I miss the serial killers?”

“You don’t miss serial killers, angel. We’ve talked about this.”

But he was smiling all the same, causing her to laugh and lean into his side.

Once again, he’s impressed with his ability to hold any kind of conversation with her when his brain is melting under the constant ‘God please I just want to kiss her’. Just like he’d been struggling against for the past two weeks while taking care of her.

Somehow, Maeve had seemingly forgotten their promise as she was still talking, and he’s not a strong man when it comes to her.

“--I might see if I can babysit for JJ and Will, their kids are adorable. Or maybe finally have that girl’s night, we were meaning to go for one before all this and I miss drinking. Or--”

They got to the car and he turned to hold her against the passenger door, giving her a teasing smile. Smoothing the hair from her face and moving his hands down to her upper arms to hold her still.

“Or, you could spend time with your boyfriend?”

Laughing, she rested her hands softly over his forearms, that teasing look not dropping from her face, and subsequently making his brain melt even further.

He’s not sure how he lasted two weeks like this.

“My boyfriend who I spent every day of the last two weeks with?”

“Well-”

“Spence, if you.. monopolise any more of my time, Penelope might just--”

Incredulous, a laugh left him and he cut her off. Leaning down to kiss her as desperately as he’d wanted for the past two weeks. One hand sliding up to her hair, gripping gently to tilt her head back until it hits the roof of the mini, slanting his lips a little harder against hers.

Right here, he knew he’d never get enough of her ever again. Her taste, her lips, the feel of her, her reactions. 

God, her reactions.

At first she’d tensed, not quite believing he was finally kissing her. Once it sunk it, she relaxed against him, easing her grip where she’d started to leave marks and letting her eyes fall shut. 

Then, once he’d tilted her head back and pushed her a little more insistently against the car, she had actually whimpered against his lips, and he was desperate to chase that little noise as far as she would let him. Her hands moved from his arms to fist in the front of his shirt and dragged him closer.

Until they were all but making out in the hospital parking lot.

When he finally pulled back - dreading his need for air - he kept close. Their foreheads are near but not quite touching, still wanting to be able to look down at her properly. Giving them both a moment to breathe as two weeks, probably longer, washed over them.

Opening his eyes to just look down at her, loving the flushed cheeks and laboured breaths. Loving her.

“Angel.” She hums. “Do you want to know why I wouldn’t kiss you while you were recovering?”

It took her a little while to respond, cracking her eyes open to finally meet his again. Sure that he legs would’ve given out if it wasn’t for him holding her up against the car. Not quite trusting her voice yet, she shook her head, the hand not in her hair wrapping around her waist.

And Jesus, but he finds her so pretty like this, glossy eyed and smiling.

“Because you are perfect sweetheart, and if I’d kissed you, I wouldn’t be able to stop at just one.. or two.. or three.” Punctuating each number with a peck to her lips, which just made her pretty and pliant under his palm. “And I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Swallowing thickly, she let go of the front of his shirt from the death-grip she’d gotten on it, smoothing down the wrinkles she’d made as she cleared her throat from where her heart had blocked it.

Looking back up to meet his gaze as she continued to smooth away the wrinkles she’d left.

“I’m uh.. I’m alright now.”

“Yes, you are.”

With a smug grin, which looks far too good on his face, she leant in to brush their noses together. A tender action that’s completely at odds with the heat in his gaze.

That hand around her waist slipped to her lower back, pulling her fully against him and revelling in the way a soft squeak left her lips, and her eyes darted down to his own as if expecting him to kiss her. Quickly darting back up, indignant, when he started to talk instead.

“So, angel, would you like to call Penelope for a girl’s night? Or would you like to go home with your boyfriend?”

Making a face, and trying to ignore the blush high on her cheeks, she tugged him back down for another quick kiss, which he happily gave her. Trying to act very nonchalant, despite her own obvious excitement.

“Let’s go home, please.”

Finally letting go of her, he reached around to pull on the door handle. Opening up the passenger door for her and ushering her inside.

Leaning his forearm on the roof to lean in and give her another kiss.

“Alright sweetheart, home it is. What should we do? Watch a movie?”

She scowled at him, a sight he loved so damn much now it aches. Which is why it brings him so much glee to shut the door in her scowling face and walk around to the driver’s side, slow as he likes.

Impressed that he’s been able to resist the urge to sprint round and get in the car like he absolutely wants to do. His need to tease her is the only thing stronger than his need to kiss her.

Once he finally got in, she prodded his side, still glaring at him as he belted up.

“If you don’t kiss me some more when we get home, I will be going out with Penelope.”

“Don’t worry angel, I plan to thoroughly make up for the last two weeks.”

That got her to shut up, scowl falling away into something far more bashful, a pretty smile settling onto her face as she got comfortable for the drive back to her apartment.

With a happy sigh, he reached to turn the radio on, and then let his hand fall to her thigh, squeezing gently to get her attention - as if she was able to think of anything besides him when his entire presence fills the car and her head and her chest.

Rubbing firm circles to the top of her thigh as that smug grin climbed back onto his face.

“You won’t need to call Penelope, or anyone else, just yet. I told them that your appointment isn’t until tomorrow, so I have you all to myself for the next twenty-four hours.”

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[a-killer-obsession]

🔞 Minors DNI 🔞

A search for a rumored Vegapunk weapon leads the Kid Pirates to an unexpected new crewmate, with a bloodlust that rivals their own and an incredible power.

CW: Please check AO3 for all current warnings, but general warning for smut, slow burn, serious gore, and really dark themes. AFAB reader, she/her pronouns.

Masterlist || AO3 || Chapter 1

Chapter 36 - Breaking Point, Side A

Tensions flare in the aftermath of a traumatic night.

Word Count: ~3.5k

Taglist: @h0n3y-l3m0n05 @tremendoushorsepatrolgoth @iggy5055 @eyes-ofhell

Dawn's crying woke you both up only a few hours later, Heat quick to urge you to rest and collecting her from the crib. You sat up, knowing full well she was probably hungry. You didn't know how old she was but you guessed only a few months, she probably wanted to feed every four or so hours. Your breasts were aching for release anyway, now that they had been drained once it felt like your body was kicking into overdrive, your breasts noticeably heavier and firmer than they had been the last few days. Maybe this is what the books meant when they talked about your milk coming in. Either way, you were just as eager to feed her as she was to eat, her cries making your breasts leak and wet your shirt. You held your hands out for her and Heat lowered her to you carefully, as her little arms escaped from the swaddle and refused to let go of his finger.

She was quick to latch again, and you could see now in the daylight that her eyes were a sparkling blue. It hurt, with the blonde puff of hair and blue eyes she looked the way you imagined your own baby might have. Come to think of it, you hadn't even named him. You couldn't afford to dwell on it now, there was a very much alive orphaned little girl currently on your breast who needed you to keep your head. So young and yet she'd already been through so much. Heat watched with fascination as she made small squeaking sounds and kept his finger in a surprisingly strong grasp, forcing him to cuddle up against you, not that either of you minded. You let yourself rest against him, his free hand squirming its way behind you to wrap around your waist, giving in to the fantasy that this was your little family. That nothing traumatic had led to this strange situation, this was entirely normal and comforting, before the stress of reality reared its ugly head.

“What are we gonna do Heat?” You sighed.

“I'm gonna go out and grab a bunch of stuff as soon as you're okay with me heading out,” he replied, “whatever you need, I'll get it”

“My mask,” you pouted, “it's back on the ship”

“I'll get it,” he clenched his teeth, “you just stay here and rest, just focus on yourself and Dawn, I'm gonna take care of both of you don't worry about anything. The doctors said you need to be on bedrest for at least a week, after last night I'm enforcing that. You're not lifting a finger till you're recovered”

Together you made a list of everything you thought you needed, and against his desires he left to fetch them, putting a very milk drunk Dawn back in the crib before heading out, leaving you to get a little more much needed sleep. He decided to do the hardest part first, heading back to the Victoria to grab your mask. He hoped everyone would be asleep as it was still very early morning. He sauntered up the gangplank as quietly as he could and head underdeck to the infirmary where he'd last seen your mask, after Mohawk removed it during your operation. Thankfully it was still sitting in place on the back counter, a little blood on it still but otherwise unharmed.

“You wanna explain where the fuck you were going with my girlfriend and packed bags last night?” An aggressive baritone came from behind him. He turned to the masked first mate, a scowl on his face as he used his height to feign confidence over the shorter blond.

“She's not your girlfriend, or did Kid not pass on the message?” Heat spat back at him, “she said, and I quote, ‘he and I are over, we're done’. You pushed her too far Killer, she's done with you hurting her”

“Me? Hurting her?” He let out a laugh, a genuine unhindered one that threw Heat back in surprise. “She killed my fucking baby, she should have fucking listened when I told her it was too dangerous”

“A marine killed your baby Killer,” Heat yelled, surprise quickly overruled by anger, “her baby, that she grew and nurtured and could feel inside her. A baby you didn't even plan on having! You're not the only one grieving, you're just the only selfish prick acting like it's all about you. Hasn't she fucking been through enough? She delivered her own fucking dead baby in the middle of a battle and you won't even look at her. She needed you and you fucking abandoned her, just like you always do! It took her so long to let you back in after your last fuck up and in the blink of an eye you managed to fuck it all up again”

Killer punched Heat hard, his jaw making an audible click as his face was forced sideways. If he was anyone else he might have been sent flying, but he was just as strong as the blond, bodying the hit like it was nothing. He turned his head back to Killer and grabbed a fist full of his shirt, raising him off the ground like he weighed nothing.

“You want a baby so fucking bad? Go knock some whore up,” Heat spat, “because apparently that's all she was to you. Just a fucking broodmare. She'll never carry another child again, so you better go get to work finding a new incubator cos she can't do it anymore. Did you ever even love her or was she just convenient? Just a quick way to get what you wanted?”

“Of course I loved her!” Killer shouted as he forced his way out of Heat's grasp, “love her” he corrected himself.

“Then fucking act like it,” Heat shoved him hard, Killer's back connecting with a infirmary cot. “She spent the last three days waiting for you to man up and go to her, and instead you just sat around here twirling your hair and acting like the whole world is against you. Pull your fucking head out of your ass Killer. She just went through something traumatic and you're too busy grieving the dead to see the living. You know where Wire found her last night? On the edge of a fucking cliff. Getting ready to fucking jump. You did that, you drove her to think shes worth so little that she'd be better off dead, her death would have been blood on your hands Killer”

“She… I didn't know,” he said quietly, mask tilted away, unable to look at Heat for the shame he felt.

“Of course you didn't, because you haven't fucking talked to her,” Heat growled, “if you had then you'd know how fucking torn up she is, how much she's blaming herself. She thinks you only loved her because of the baby. You know what she said to me when she woke up in the infirmary, after your stroppy ass stormed out without even looking at her? She said tell him I'll make him another one, you should have seen the heartbreak on her face when I told her she couldn't, because she thinks the only reason you want her is to make babies. She'd just lost her baby, fought for her life after almost bleeding to death, and found out she'd never carry another child, and all she was thinking about was you, how disappointed you'd be with her. It's fucked Killer, you're fucked for putting those thoughts in her head. All you had to do was fucking be there for her, but you were too fucking selfish to do the bare fucking minimum”

Killer slumped down against the cot and put his head between his knees. A harsh sob came from him, but Heat didn't have it in him to comfort him, he didn't deserve comfort, not after the hurt he'd inflicted on the woman Heat loves. The firebreather gave him a tsk and started rummaging in the cabinets for pain medication for you, knowing you were still physically hurting immensely even if you didn't say it when you made the list.

“I'll… I'll do better,” Killer cried.

“That's what you told her last time,” Heat scorned.

“I didn't mean to shut her out, I just… I needed someone to blame,” he said sadly.

“Then blame the fucking marines! Don't go blaming her! She didn't do shit!” Heat yelled, “and for the fucking record, it could have happened outside of battle anyway, its not uncommon. Would you still have blamed her then, or would you finally have some fucking sympathy? How much does she have to suffer before you decide she's worthy of your comfort?”

“Where is she?” Killer asked.

“None of your fucking business,” Heat growled. “You and Kid have three days to apologise and grovel before the log pose resets, otherwise you're sailing away without the three of us. You wanna talk, you talk to me, I have my mini den-den, you're not getting near her till I say you can”

“Three?” Killer asked.

“They didn't tell you shit did they?” Heat half laughed, “she went to that cliff to kill herself, but instead some lady with the same idea handed her a baby and jumped”

“I… I saw it last night… I thought it was a ghost,” Killer's eyes were wide with surprise under the mask. He'd seen the small bundle, asleep in your arms, but it hadn't made any sense so he'd chalked it up to a mania induced hallucination.

“Yeah well, she's keeping it, but not on this ship, not after what Kid said,” Heat scorned.

“What did Kid say?”

“He called her a worthless whore and a life ruiner,” Heat tutted as he gathered some shit in a plastic bag, “real nice stuff to someone who just lost her baby and was forcibly sterilised, like we hadn't just found her trying to kill herself”

“I wanna talk to her,” Killer grabbed Heat's pants as he walked past. Heat kicked his hand away and kept moving.

“Too fucking bad, she's busy and she's tired and she doesn't want shit to do with you,” Heat replied coldly.

Killer watched Heat move as a realisation dawned on him. Heat had never spoken to him or Kid like this, the man was usually obedient and loyal, more akin to a puppy than the territorial wolf he was being right now. “You love her, don't you?”

“So what if I do?” Heat replied, “even if she never loves me back, I would never hurt her the way you have. She deserves better.”

“Oh, and you're better?” He scoffed.

“Well Killer, I didn't fucking leave her to mourn on her own after she lost her baby,” Heat spat, “in fact, I was the one there for her, every second I could be. I'm the one who was with her every minute I could be for the last three days, when all she wanted was her so-called loving boyfriend. So yeah, I'd say I can do better. I am doing better. I'm picking up your fucking mess but I'll do it happily because she means the fucking world to me.”

“So what, you're just gonna go play house with her and some stranger's baby?” Killer laughed.

“If that's what she wants, yeah,” Heat replied, “and if she doesn't, I'll support that too, because she's a fucking human being with her own thoughts and feelings that deserve to be recognised, not just a hole for you to breed. Maybe it's for the best, this way she gets to have a baby and she isn't stuck tied to your pathetic excuse of a man. You're a fucking coward Killer, you talk big game but when it comes down to it you're just a scared little boy who thinks he can just ignore his problems till they go away. The worst thing is that people still care about you, but you ignore them too. Hell she probably still cares about you. But you act like the whole fucking world is against you. Really it's just you, hiding away in your room and tearing shit up, refusing to take your meds just so everyone will treat you like the victim, when you could have been out there comforting her when she needed you. She never would have gone to that cliff if you'd just fucking let her in, if you'd let her mourn with you. You're fucking lucky some random woman decided to hand her a baby and off herself or Yin would be dead right now. Even if she ever forgives you, I might not, because what you did was selfish and cruel, and you almost took her from me because of it, from all the people who care about her. So much for the dangerous Massacre Soldier Killer, you're just a pathetic little man who can't even comfort a woman when she so desperately needed you. You should've stuck to whores, emotions are clearly too advanced for you.”

“Are you done?” Killer growled, standing now with his arms crossed in front of Heat as the taller man cussed him out.

“Far fucking from it,” he growled, “but she needs me, and unlike you my head isn't too far up my own ass to see, so I'll be going now. Have a nice life, Massacre Soldier”

Manic laughter followed Heat out into the hall, all the way until he reached the gangplank and fled far enough for the sound to no longer travel.

Dawn was back on your breast when Heat returned, making you jump at first before his wild mop of blue hair appeared, using his ass to open the door because his hands were too full. Comically, he was wearing your mask on his head to save hand space, but it was clearly far too small for him, sitting on a mound of hair instead of his actual head. You snorted as he entered the room, putting down the large armfulls of bags with a heavy sigh of relief. He pulled the mask from his head and set it on a dresser before collapsing on the bed next to you, his hands over his chest and his eyes closed.

“She sure eats a lot huh?” Heat noted, turning his head to the side to watch Dawn. Her little arms were wiggling around like she was searching for something, so he turned to his side and offered her his hand. Her fingers wound around one of his and he couldn't help but blush. Given his big, somewhat scary appearance he wasn't used to small vulnerable things being so fearless with him. “Small but strong too”

“I don't know how old she is, but she seems to want to eat every three or four hours,” you replied with a yawn, “God I'm so tired. And hungry”

“I got you some food from the bakery down the street but you'll have to wait till little miss here releases me so I can grab it,” he laughed, trying to reclaim his finger but her grip was iron tight.

“You're the fucking best Heat,” you smiled, half lidded in your exhaustion. He didn't envy you, he hadn't exactly had much sleep either between when the nurses kicked him out of the hospital and when Kid had called them all for an emergency meeting about Killer, but then he wasn't putting all his energy into feeding another living being while recovering from a traumatic birth and major surgery. By the time Dawn was thoroughly milk drunk and nodding off again, you were nearly asleep, leaning against his chest with his arms around you to keep you upright, now that the small one had released her insane grip on his finger. He took Dawn carefully from your hold and put her back in the crib, admiring her for a moment before returning his attention to looking after you.

He rummaged in the bags and brought over the baked goods and a bottle of water, and you could barely open your eyes as you accepted them and sleepily nibbled. He had to take the remnants from your hand as you started to slouch over, a fond smile on his face at how cute you were in such a sleepy state, your lips turned upwards just the tiniest bit at the corners.

“Heat, do you love me?” You mumbled against his chest as you both got settled under the covers, your warm breath tickling the bare parts of his chest through the lacing of his corset. His breath hitched at the question, taken entirely by surprise and feeling like a deer in headlights. “Sorry,” you apologised, feeling the way he tensed, “I just… last time we slept together, it felt like more than just two friends fucking. I thought maybe you loved me. It's okay, I'm not mad if you don't, I just… thought”

“I do love you,” he breathed, his whole body still tense. He thought he might puke from the anxiety, worried the next words out of your mouth would be disgust or rejection. Nobody had ever loved him like that before, not in a romantic way. He was used to meaningless hookups during short stays at islands with people he'd never see again. The way you made him feel was entirely foreign, which is probably why it'd taken him so long to name the feeling.

“I know I said once that I didn't think I could fall in love with you,” you said softly, intertwining your fingers with his, making him relax a little, “but I think maybe that was a lie. You give me butterflies, Heat. And you make me feel so safe, you always have.”

He let out a shaky breath and a tear rolled down his cheek, he didn't realise just how stressed he was till you noticed the glistening trail and wiped it with your thumb. Your eyes bore into his, suddenly more alert now as you inspected his perpetually sad face before pressing a soft kiss on his mouth. You pulled away with a sigh, your forehead resting on his.

“I didn't notice you falling for me, I should have noticed,” you whispered,”I'm so sorry Heat. I'm… I'm going through a lot right now, but just knowing you're here, that at least one person in this godforsaken world wants me is enough to make me want to live”

“I thought you were dead,” his tears flowed freely now, his hands shaking as he finally processed the last three days. He'd been trying so hard to keep it together, to stay strong for you, because he knew you needed him, but those walls were crumbling so fast under your warm touch. “After the hospital said you left, we followed your vivre to where we knew the cliffs were, and it was burning. I knew physically you were fine, but for your resolve to be so set that your vivre burned… I… I thought I'd lost you. I only just realised how much I loved you after Quincy hurt you but I thought you were going to die last night thinking nobody loved you and I just… I never would have been able to live with myself. I should have told you sooner but I was so scared you'd hate me for it or that it'd ruin our friendship”

“Oh Heat,” your own tears started to meld with his as you pressed your cheeks together, your arms tight around his shoulders as he started to sob against you, the dam collapsing under the immense pressure of his emotions. “I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I was just so fucked up and I just couldn't take it anymore. I should have seen you there, I should have known you were there for me like you've always been, I've been such a ghost lately that I didn't see” You held his head gently in your hands, his dark eyes glassy with tears as he sniffed and looked at you, “I'm not ready right now, but I have no intention of leading you on. I'm gonna find the strength to say those three words Heat, because I know I feel them, I just can't bring myself to say them right now. Please don't stop loving me, you're all I have”

His lips crashed against yours, pain and fear and love and overflowing intangible emotions bursting at the seams as his tongue fought against yours and his hands held you close against him. You could feel his growing erection against your thigh so you slid your hand down his front, threading it under the waistband of his baggy pants, desperately needing to make him feel good, to alleviate your guilt after the hurt you'd put him through. He let out an almost pained whine as you started to pump him, his kisses messy and half focused as you serviced him, till he couldn't focus on anything else anymore and all he could do was pant against your shoulder. It didn't take him long to cum, so wound up from the overbearing stress that the release you gave him had him letting out a stuttered groan as he came, his seed spilling over your hand and lubricating his cock as you worked him through it.

“Shh, I've got you,” you cooed as you made your final slow strokes, his breath hot on your shoulder as he gripped you tight like he was afraid you would disappear forever if he let go. It was almost painful, given your sore breasts and surgery site. “Heaaaat, loosen your grip baby, I'm not going anywhere, I promise”

He let go a little but refused to entirely remove his hold on you, but you were more than fine with that now that the pressure wasn't painful. You held his head close to your heart and stroked his hair, and your steady heartbeat and tender caresses in the afterglow of his orgasm finally lulled him to sleep. You breathed a sigh of relief that he was finally relaxed, and you soon followed suit to take advantage of what rest you could get before Dawn inevitably woke you up again.

[NEXT CHAPTER]

[urdepressedslut]

May I request a shapeshifter!reader x platonic!avengers/Bucky where the reader was experimented on by Hydra and received her powers there? The Avengers try to recruit and help reader but she’s freaked out from all that’s happened and Bucky helps her overcome the fear and stress and learn to use her powers? Lots of angst but also lots of fluff if possible? (I also want to add your username is amazing lol /gen /lh )

oooooh I've never written a shapeshifter!reader, but I'm very interested with the whole idea. hope you like what I've come up with🥰

Tragedy

♡ Pairing: Platonic!Avengers!Bucky Barnes x Shapeshifter!Fem!Reader

♡ Summary: A new shapeshifter recruit has a hard time adjusting to the team, she feels out of place. Bucky knows what it's like to be the outsider and fight to have control, so he comforts her.

♡ Warnings: angst, fluff, talk of hydra experimentation, mentions of past torture, mentions of Bucky's trauma, anxiety, depression, tony being tony

main masterlist ✧ inbox open

The Avengers compound had been chaotic for the past week, tons of missions, plenty of people getting burnt out— overall it was busy. The compound had gathered some new recruits, adding some much needed people to their team. It would take awhile before they were respected like all of the original Avengers— but they’d get there in time.

A pair of invisible twins had joined the team, taking time with Wanda to master their ability, practice being stealthy. They also had the ability to read minds, which is why Wanda wanted to work with them.

A boy at the age of 19 had just been recruited, his ability being super strength. He was strong, fast and overall almost as in shape as some certain super soldiers. Steve had taken a liking to the boy immediately, noticing he wasn’t just enhanced— but he had a good heart as well, sweet as pie. Steve didn’t hesitate to take him under his wing.

Lastly, there was you. You were the most recent recruit— having just been released from the asylum. Yeah… asylum. Unlike the other new recruits, you had a battered past and a scarred brain. You didn’t have an easy journey to become apart of the team. Truthfully, you didn’t want to be an avenger— you were just trying to survive.

You had been rescued almost a year ago from a hidden HYDRA facility. Almost thousands of bodies littered the building, the scattered evidence that HYDRA had been secretly experimenting on innocent people. The team had scopes out the entire building with heavy hearts, not finding any sign of life— until they had found you. He had found you.

James Buchanan Barnes.

Hidden underneath the facility through a tiny window, you were being held, chains keeping you locked int the confined space. The team remembered that image perfectly, the way they shuttered in horror that you had had to live like this for god knows how long. It was an unsettling day, but a victorious one at least. They had saved you and brought you to medical center immediately. After tests had been done, scans had been run— you were moved to an asylum.

To say you were difficult would be an understatement. But it was just that, you weren’t difficult— you were traumatized. You didn’t feel in control of your body, your mind— your abilities. You were spiraling, the newfound freedom unfamiliar— uncomfortable. You were kept in a white room for a couple months, until you showed signs of progress. You’d speak when you had to. You’d eat if you were told to. You functioned more normally as the days passed, as the therapy sessions came and went.

Truthfully, it was all bullshit. No one recovers from that kind of life. The life of imprisonment and torture.

How could you?

You recovered enough to be allowed out of the white room, walking the halls of the asylum. You knew you didn’t belong here, you weren’t what they labeled you as… crazy. You were struggling to adapt to your new life— that’s all.

Soon enough, your therapist thought you were stable enough to move on to bigger things— like joining the Avengers. She had briefly told you that she talked with a Mr. Fury, and that you had been invited to be an avenger. You wanted to laugh at the offer, how does one even get an offer like that? Although your declines were ignored and you found out quickly that if you didn’t obey and join the avengers, you’d be locked up again at the asylum.

It was either you adapt and do good— be good. Or you were back to staring at the white walls. You chose to not put up much of a fight and let them guide you to the compound. In the back of your mind you wondered if you would always be kept somewhere against your will. The Avengers were good compared to HYDRA, but ultimately— they were holding you hostage just as HYDRA was.

Guess you should be used to it by now.

The introduction was embarrassing, everyone staring at you like you were fresh meat— yeah you were, but the stares had you feeling incredibly self conscious. Everyone seemed nice, offering to help in any way that they could to help you adjust easier. You thanked them quietly and kept to yourself, the team didn’t hear much from you ever.

Unlike the other new recruits, no Avenger spoke out to take you under their wing. Nobody wanted you around.

It was a particular rough training day that had things falling apart.

You had wandered into the training room on your own, sitting crisscrossed by the large mirror. You were trying to meditate, since your little scare this morning. You were a shapeshifter, and could transform into any being, take on their appearance— but not without difficulty. You could only transform if you had touched something. It was unlike any stories that were ever told about your kind— shifting was painful. Back at HYDRA, you were chained down to a table while guards would bring in different kinds of creatures, different suffering innocent people. They beat you into shifting, torture you until you took a different form.

When you woke this morning, your heart was beating scarily quick. Your limbs were cold, your fingertips and toes numb— you had identified it quickly as a panic attack. You dreamt of your days back in HYDRA— the days you were tortured for hours on end, days on end. You found yourself wanting to shift into a muscular guard you had seen in your dream— appear stronger and bigger. You felt you needed to be on alert, protect yourself from the dangers of your dream. The feeling quickly flowed throughout your body, the familiar pain of shifting coming on fast— so you tried everything you could to calm down. That’s where you found yourself sitting in front of the mirror, attempting to meditate.

Bucky wandered into the room, getting ready for his own workout when he noticed your small form on the floor. He watched through the reflection as you had your eyes shut, your chest rising and falling with deep breaths. He was no expert, but he had an idea of what you were trying to do— possibly what had happened. His heart clenched at the sight, feeling terrible that someone else had to go through such things.

Sure, he had read your file— but that was no way to get to know someone. He was waiting for a good chance to introduce himself, maybe show you around. He found that rather difficult, you were very good at staying hidden— sneaking out of a room without notice. He admired your stealthiness, but he didn’t want you to feel like you had to be around the compound.

“Hey.” He started, feeling bad when he saw you jump slightly at his greeting.

You met his blues through the mirror and turned quickly to face him, standing up along the way.

“Hi.” You greeted quietly.

He smiled at your gentle voice, deciding to stop at a good length away— not wanting to make you uncomfortable.

“Haven’t really gotten a chance to introduce myself since you got here. I’m Bucky.” He held his flesh hand out.

You eyeballed his hand, knowing that you would gain the ability to take his form if you touched him. You took a deep breath, enjoying the cool air traveling down your throat to your lungs— before you raised your hand.

“Nice to meet you Bucky, I’m (Y/n).” You said quickly, pulling your hand back to your side— ignoring the tingling sensation that his touch had left.

It wasn’t the unpleasant feeling of shifting either— it was just a pleasant buzz.

“(Y/n), what do you say after I’m done in here— I’ll show you around the compound. Introduce you to everybody.” He offered and immediately regretted his words at the expression of horror on your face.

You gulped, the thought of meeting so many faces all in one day— it was extremely overwhelming and anxiety inducing. You didn’t want to mess up your first impression, you wanted to have gotten a good nights rest before you met everyone. You probably looked a mess, your hair— your clothes—

“(Y/n)?”

Bucky’s voice snapped you back to the moment and you shook your head, scratching the back of your neck in embarrassment. Being caught in a little moment there.

“Uh… I’d rather meet everyone another time… if that’s okay.” You whispered out, nervous that he’d get mad at your refusal.

He noticed how nervous you were to tell him no, on one hand he was proud that you had spoke up— knowing you came from HYDRA. Another part of him was saddened at your hesitation— no doubt you were waiting for a beating or some kind of torture.

“Of course, we can go at your pace.” He told you in a soft voice, hoping to keep the conversation smooth and calm.

You weren’t prepared for the kindness and you felt thrown off at his response. It took you a second to gather your thoughts before you could talk again.

“Thank you.” You whispered so quietly that you were sure he didn’t hear you.

Bucky had though, and even if he didn’t respond— he felt his heart hurt at your scared quiet voice. He hated HYDRA— so fucking much.

The conversation ended soon after, giving you time to excuse yourself to your room while Bucky started his workout— all his thoughts of you of course.

You hadn’t given him a full answer in his offer. He knew you didn’t want to meet everyone yet— which was fine. But he still wanted to show you around— if you wanted to.

After he showered and cleaned himself up, it was the late afternoon. He headed up to your room to retrieve you.

He knocked three times before waiting patiently. He could hear the faint thuds of you inside, and by the sounds of it— you hadn’t been expecting a visitor.

The door swung open and your eyes widened at Bucky standing there. For a second you wondered if someone was setting him up to do this… talk to you.

“Hey. Was wondering if you were still up for the tour?” He asked hesitantly, waiting for you to decline.

You thought for a moment, taking in the way he looked clean, his hair seemed freshly washed and shiny. Your eyes wandered to his outfit, jeans and a navy blue henley that complimented his eyes. You smiled little at how put together he looked.

“Just you and I?” You wondered, swaying on your feet.

He nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“Just us. Whatta ya say?”

You wondered how much it would hurt to find out he was indeed being forced to hang with you. It would sting— but would it really be anything new? You repeled people and that’s the way you liked it. No one had the chance of hurting you if you didn’t let anyone in.

You gave in regardless, taking a chance. Knowing that this was going to hurt.

“Okay. Lemme get a sweater.” You told him, sneaking back inside you room— grabbing a gray knitted sweater.

Pulling it over your tank, you exited your room and closed your door with a click. Turning towards him, you were met with happy crinkly eyes, his warm smile beaming into you. It was hard not to smile back, but you managed somehow.

“Where to?” You asked.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry. First stop— the kitchen.” He announced dramatically.

You could tell he was trying a little too hard to make you comfortable. But it was an appreciated gesture— you just couldn’t stop thinking about how much this was going to hurt.

Every sweet gesture was just another rock being placed over your chest. Eventually your bones wouldn’t be able to hold the rocks— they’d crack them and crush your heart.

You said nothing as you followed behind him, wandering through the hallways until you both entered the kitchen— which was full of avengers. Your anxiety spiked immediately and you wanted to disappear from all the staring.

“Heyyyy! Look who it is! It’s the rookie— are you done hiding from us now?” Tony asked dramatically, fake being hurt.

His question was fair, but you couldn’t find yourself able to answer with all eyes on you. You could feel yourself start to sweat, your hands cold and becoming numb. Some may think you’re being dramatic, but you just weren’t mentally prepared to meet everyone.

“Tony don’t…” Bucky warned lowly, trying to keep his voice down as to not bring any more attention on you.

“Oh c’mon Barnes— you have to be a little curious as to where she’s been hiding this whole time. Let’s remember this is my property— I deserve to know who’s living in it.” He said as a matter of factly.

You swallowed and tried thinking of a response. Maybe you should apologize. You wondered.

“She still deserves privacy Stark.” Natasha voiced from the corner of the room.

Tony rolled his eyes, turning back towards you with a smirk.

“Sooo what’s up rookie? Where ya been?” He asked.

Despite many trying to defend you— they were also curious as to where you have been. They knew of your arrival and hadn’t seen you much since then, besides Bucky. But he was only just starting to talk with you today.

“I’ve been in my room mostly, trying to adjust.” You managed to make out, your throat was still tight with nerves.

Bucky looked to you with a pitied gaze. He felt bad that he had put you in this position.

“You should totally come to a famous Avengers movie night sometime kid.” Tony suggested, and a bunch of the surrounding Avengers nodded.

You relaxed just slightly, although Tony was pushy and loud— you could tell he had good intentions. You nodded your head and attempted a small smile.

“Yeah, that sounds great. I’ll definitely make it one night.” You told him, and he smiled in triumph.

“I’m not too hungry anymore— wanna get outta here?” Bucky spoke from beside you, and you felt relief at his words.

“Yes please.” You whispered to him, earning a smile from the soldier.

You two waved your goodbyes and headed out of the room, heading towards the living area. Bucky immediately spoke up once you two were away from the rest.

“(Y/n), I’m so sorry— I didn’t think they’d all be in there. Please know that I didn’t do that to you on purpose.” He apologized and you took him by surprise by grabbing his metal hand.

“It’s fine, I believe you.” You reassured him, “Besides, Tony is right. I need to stop hiding.”

Bucky softened his gaze and held your hand properly with his metal one, getting your attention on his blues.

“Hey, you don’t have to rush into anything. You go at your pace, okay?” He told you, his voice smooth and gentle. “I know what it’s like to switch to this lifestyle after living with…”

He trailed off, knowing your story from the file but he didn’t know if you knew that. Of course, you had assumed everyone knew your story— kind of sucked, but you didn’t have a choice in the matter.

“I know. Its much different here than Hydra.” You finished for him. “It will take time but I’ll get there. I already feel better now that I can talk to you.”

“I’m here if you ever need to talk— about anything. I’m not so sure how great I am with advice but… I’m a good listener.” He told you.

You smiled and gave his metal hand a tiny playful tug.

“Thank you Bucky.”

He nodded and gave your hand a playful tug back.

“Don’t need to thank me, just know I’m here for you.”

A/N: haven’t proofread this— ignore spelling mistakes🥰

[guqin-and-flute]

Are You Here to Stop Me? –Ch. 7 [Peony to Lotus!Verse, Yaoli]

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5][Chapter 6] [First post in Peony to Lotus Verse]

[Ao3 Series]

[CW: Mention of blood, canon and era typical internalized ableism and misogyny from Yanli]

"You're sure you don't need me to get your parasol, furen?" 

Yanli opened her eyes to the buttery autumn sun and smiled up at her maid, who hovered by her elbow like a nervous bird. "A-Si, I’m fine--” she began to insist, gently.

But the girl was already spinning, hurrying away up the garden path and calling back over her shoulder; “I’d better get it, just in case! I’ll be right back!” 

With a sigh of fond surrender, Yanli settled back into her heavily cushioned chair, hands resting on her stomach. Nothing moved inside, yet, and it was no more round than it ever was, but there was life there. Wen Qing--Qing-mei, as she had begun to call her in the weeks they had spent so much time together--was certain of it.

Yanli was certain of it, now, as well. In the weeks following the diagnosis, she had felt the changes beginning, quite apart from her the recovery symptoms of lingering wet heaviness in her chest. There was the horrid nausea and sickness in the mornings, the aversion to foods she once loved, a craving for foods of a strange combination. Her belly didn’t look any different, but it certainly felt fuller. And she was so tired. Wen Qing had assured her and A-Yao that it was normal when she was recovering as well as metabolizing for 2.

And ever since the fact had “accidentally” gotten its way around to the rest of her family, as well as the Wen, the servants, and disciples, she was being treated as if she might trip and fall to pieces at any moment--treatment which she amiably bore. Even if it was excessive. Would such pampering really go on for 9 whole months? Her health had always been fragile but now, she hardly had a moment alone! 

“You’ve hardly grown at all, yet, and everyone is taking such good care of you,” she murmured down to her own belly, slowly rubbing it.

 She wasn’t certain exactly how news got out, as she and A-Yao had intended to wait the 3 customary months to announce the pregnancy--but somehow, everyone in Lotus Pier now knew. She might have suspected A-Xian, with his mischievous streak as wide as the lake, or A-Cheng, who was truly terrible at keeping any secret back from his face; but it just as well might have been given away by the fact that she couldn’t stop cradling her middle or the way that A-Yao’s doting attention on her had increased tenfold. 

Besides, A-Xian was far too preoccupied working himself ragged reviving poor Wen Ning, and A-Cheng too busy entrenched in the steps of that cutthroat political dance he must perform to gossip with anyone. It took all of their attention just to keep this whole affair afloat. 

She let out a sigh, watching her belly rise and fall with her breath, the tiny purple beads on her hanfu sparkling with every movement. They were all now in an uncomfortable stalemate—which, she supposed, was better than one of the alternatives, being outright war. From what she heard of the initial meeting, it had been tense and heavy, just barely above outright threats. Yanli was just as happy not to have been in any shape to go to Koi Tower and have to face anyone there. A-Cheng seemed incredibly stressed about the outcome, from what she had seen of him, and Yao seemed unhappy, but simply assured her that it was to be expected, assured them all that his father was keeping a wary eye on the other Sects. Jin Guangshan was too politically savvy, he said, to act purely from anger. They still had time to maneuver. And other meetings scheduled.

Even then, they had received plenty of correspondence of outrage, from rival and allied Sects alike—some even from their own people. They had not forgotten the pain of being occupied as a Supervisory Office. The wounds of the loss of all of those in the Lotus Pier compound were not even scarred over, yet, still red and furious. A-Yao was doing things behind the scenes to work on public opinion, but had once described it as carefully walking a tightrope. Yanli would agree, and secretly add that it felt as if it were one high in the air, above crashing waters and hungry mouths. The Jiang still held a strong standing in the jianghu, solid reputation held there equally by the legacy of their parents and A-Cheng's monumental success in the rebuilding of their Sect at his age.

But the children of the Jiang knew better than anyone, save perhaps the other Clans wiped out by the Qishan Wen, to never rely on that remaining true. They were not safe yet. There were miles yet to go, in this.

She wished she could be of more help, but she was still too weak to do much else besides be led about to bask in the shade, as she did now. Today was the first time in a long time she had felt well enough to consider reading, or perhaps embroidery. Maybe even cooking something simple, if she had help. And, in truth, there was not much she could do amidst the street gambler’s Shell Game they were attempting to pull with the Wen amidst the already complicated match of go they always played with the rest of the jianghu. 

And so, the leak of who told who about the pregnancy remained a mystery. It didn’t truly bother her; the excitement and congratulations, A-Yuan’s sweet, probing questions. She was just as relieved to be able to not have to keep a secret on top of the upwelling of emotions that swamped her daily. Elation. Terror. Anticipation. Pride. Anxiety. Satisfaction. And, of course, love.

Most of all love.

She had hardly been able to properly absorb what Wen Qing was saying that day, to express the elation and terror that coursed through her--and through A-Yao as well, if the shock in his pale face had been anything to go by--before Qing-mei had somehow herded him out of their room after A-yuan and closed the door firmly behind them. “Jiang-furen,” she had said, coming to sit on the edge of her bed. There was an edge of steel in her face and tone that was nowhere to be found in the gentle hands that folded around Yanli's own. “Please, speak freely. Tell me the truth. Is this what you want?”

Exhaustion had sapped into her bones, as wet and heavy as her breath. “Is…what?” she had trailed off, dizzy.

Wen Qing, seeing this, had first helped her settle back down flat onto her pillows. When the gnawing swirling in her gut and head had abated, slightly, Qing-mei continued, unflinchingly; “This pregnancy. If this isn't what you want, there are ways I can help you that no one will be able to detect. If you are being pressured by Jin Guangyao to--”

“What? A-Yao?“ Yanli had repeated on a laugh more of startlement than humor that had turned into a coughing fit. 

As it had squeezed her already sore middle, a strange, aware panic had suddenly overcome her--would coughing so hard hurt the pregnancy? She had curled around her stomach and tried to stifle them, with limited success. From now on, she would be housing another that would share in her discomforts. The thought was…unimaginable. 

When the coughing had finally passed, she had gasped, weakly, “Ah, oh no, no…this was planned, we both want to start…. I...we didn't expect...I'm just surprised, I suppose.”

The worried disbelief on Qing-mei’s face had made her close her eyes in weariness, praying for patience and words enough to convince her. She would not live through another well meaning woman trying to pry her marriage apart at the seams because they did not think he deserved her. How to explain to them a husband who laid every choice at her feet? How to properly convey just how safe she had been made to feel in her own marriage? The easiest love she had ever been gifted? “You have gotten the wrong impression, meimei, I'm delighted, I'm...I'm....” Going to have a baby. A baby! 

The thought had made her more lightheaded still, either with giddiness, terror, or a combination of the two, she hadn't quite been able to tell.

Even then, it had taken a significant amount of effort to convince her suspicious sister-in-law that, no, her husband was not impregnating her in some sneaky bid to solidify a place of power in their Clan; no, he did not scare, control, or force her; no, he had not been the one to somehow put the idea of transferring her own core to A-Xian into her head. That had been there a while all on its own.

It was still close enough to the failed conversations she had had with Madam Jin that she might have begun to feel the same helpless frustration, if Wen Qing hadn't subsided into a still suspicious acceptance of her wishes and the quickly growing whirlwind of shimmering excitement hadn’t begun swarming through her limbs as every time she said ‘my baby’ and ‘our child’, the future seemed that much more tangible.

And Qing-mei meant well, Yanli knew. Whatever she had seen in A-Yao in their time at the Scorching Sun Palace had clearly scared her deeply, and Yanli wasn't going to dismiss that. Her husband was cunning and clever, able to change faces with the ease of a passing cloud when he needed to. She had seen it herself and she could not, would not deny it. But she knew his heart, knew that he was also kind, sweet, gentle, and frightened--she loved him for all of it. That included the parts he regretted, the parts that Wen Qing hated. Yanli would never have anything to fear from him.

She could tell that Wen Qing still thought she was either helplessly hoodwinked or naive, but she seemed at least satisfied that Yanli wanted this for herself and her family and did not bring up the idea again. In fact, each new day she got to spend with the girl, she seemed to be a little more relaxed. At least she had far more color in her face and light in her eyes than when she had first laid eyes on her in that Lanling forest, looking as much like a corpse as her brother--just a walking one. Yet, even with the improvements to her health and mood, even after weeks, she and A-Cheng still circled each other warily. They practically fled the room whenever they saw that the other had entered. 

It might have been amusing if it weren’t so tragic. 

How did one matchmake a couple who was, effectively, already married? Yanli thought that she might be able to have some clue, seeing how her and A-Yao’s love had blossomed with care and time, but if the two wouldn’t even share the same air….It reminded her uncomfortably of their parents’ relationship; prickly silence and separate rooms across the Pier. It raised ugly gooseflesh down her back to think of A-Cheng resigning himself to be as miserable in marriage as they clearly had been. She might not have dared to think so as a child, but after her own delightful marriage, knowing what it could feel like…she wept for her parents and all that they had become. For what they both so clearly wanted but didn’t know how to get without sacrificing parts of themselves they refused to let go of, for better or worse.

A-Cheng and Qing-mei didn’t need to love each other. Yanli knew the seed of love was there, in her brother at least, knew that yearning look in his eye. She had seen him as a teenager eagerly waiting for her eye to turn to him--a warming Wen sun, not a burning one. Everything had become hopelessly tangled with rage and regret and duty and grief during the murder of their Clan and the war. But irreparably so? She hoped not. They didn’t need to love each other, but Yanli would have them at least comfortable in their living with each other. She would love to actually host a real wedding for them, one day, in private.

What little she could do for A-Cheng, she tried, probing him gently once in a while--when he had a spare moment to visit, which wasn’t often. She complimented the clothes he had admitted to ordering for Wen Qing; robes in a spectrum of rich plums, burgundies, and muted magentas--red the undertones of each. “Did she ask for those colors in particular?”

“No.” His whole affect always sagged, dulled whenever she gently probed him about his wife and he would stare at his hands.

“Did you choose them yourself, then?” 

“...Yes. I…Yes.”

She had been delighted to be surprised by this, though she shouldn’t have been--he had always been a smart dresser with a keen eye for color. Besides some of her Jiang shimei’s and the tailor, she had specifically sought his opinion on her own wedding outfit. He and A-Xian had been planning her entire wedding since they were 8, after all, he was bound to have opinions. And he certainly had--her wedding dress had had both of her brother’s stamps of approval.

Lately, when he came by, he was always well groomed, but could feel the stress humming through him and behind his tired eyes. He could act so prickly, she wondered if anyone was pestering him to make sure he slept well. If they would let themselves, she was sure a wife would be a perfect person to do so. Whenever Yanli tried, he would just say that she shouldn’t worry about him with everything going on with her, that he was sleeping fine, and would proceed to fuss over her instead.

“A-Cheng, what’s troubling you?”

“Nothing, jiejie.”

“You’re a terrible liar, sweetling.

“I don’t have the time to worry about pretending to be married, right now.”

“You could just try talking to her, you know. Just…start a conversation.”

His face scrunched up in a combination of self derision, confusion, and agony, wrinkling his nose and narrowing his eyes. Waiting, she had stroked his hand where it lay balled up on her blanket, his knuckles a pale bite against the rich emerald and purple. “I wouldn’t know what to talk about,” he had finally said, shortly, his voice more of a mumble than the gruff dismissive tone she thought he might have been aiming for.

“You could ask her what she’s feeling, how she likes it here.”

“I don’t think I want to know.” He was staring down at her bedspread, bleakly, tight lines of worry between his brows.

When she had reached up to try to smooth them away, admonishing his doubt with a gentle, “A-Cheng--” he had caught her hand and pressed the backs of her knuckles against his cheek, eyes squeezed shut. After a sharp, indrawn breath, he had announced that he needed to go--and she needed to rest. There was nothing more she could say without making him flee faster.

What a mess all of this was.

Qing-mei was not much more of a help on that front. And Yanli was even less inclined to force her, poor girl--they didn’t have the history and she didn’t want to trap her. Every time she brought up A-Cheng or their marriage or what she felt about the whole relationship, she clammed up and grew solemn. “I’m grateful to Jiang-zongzhu. To all of you,” was all she would ever say, regarding their arrangement.

 At least Yanli had finally convinced her to stop calling her Jiang-furen, insisting that if they were going to be sisters now, it only made sense. She had confided in the younger woman that she had never had a little sister before, that she was excited to have someone to call ‘meimei’. At that, quite apart from her unflappable, self assured doctorly attitude, Qing-mei had offered, shyly, that she had never been a little sister before and that she found the idea quite odd. This tacit acceptance of the role delighted Yanli beyond words.

Qing-mei had taken to visiting her long past the time she had finished checking and treating her, taking tea and meals in her room either A-Yao came back or Yanli would, embarrassingly. fall asleep mid sentence. They hadn’t been able to visit like this very often when she had sheltered them in Yiling--Wen Qing would be called away and there had been work to be done, healing A-Cheng. Now, though, they had time and privacy, and their conversations would wander both wide and deep, over being elder sisters to trouble-prone younger brothers, about their shared time in Yiling, their mothers, their favorite books. Qing-mei was very clearly reluctant to confide her worries in her, whether in not wanting to cause her further stress or simply due to her own innate reservation, and so their conversations rarely included fears or the far future. 

But, sometimes, she would talk about Wei Wuxian’s progress and Wen Ning. “I don’t know what I’m more afraid of,” she had whispered one evening as the sun set outside, stock still next to Yanli’s bed, staring at the screen that threw spindly shadows of willow’s fingers across like thrashing ropes. “The idea that he may never come back. Or that he might…and I don’t know what he will be.” She had turned her head then, her neck and spine braced bravely, but her large, sweet eyes shining with tears in the low lantern light. “Da-gu, he’s so cold,” she had choked, barely audible. 

When Yanli had sat forward and reached out her arms, there was no hesitation when Qing-mei huddled into them, shaking silently.

Yanli herself had not yet seen what was left of Qing-mei’s gentle brother since she had landed at Lotus Pier, barely conscious herself. It hurt her heart to remember the shy, earnest boy she had seen attempting to become invisible behind his sister, despite his standing several inches taller than her at the Cloud Recesses what felt like eons ago. She hardly knew a thing about him, and all she did was through Xianxian and Qing-mei’s eyes. Hopefully there was a future possible for them to get to know each other on their own terms. 

Though she wholeheartedly believed in Xianxian’s brilliance and dogged tenacity, she had to admit…a conscious fierce corpse had never been achieved before. And the work was hard and damaging. It had scared her when she had finally seen what A-Xian had looked like after a week of what was clearly just a diet of half forgotten food and resentful energy. She had found him in the family shrine just a few days ago, when it was too rainy to sit outside comfortably. The early autumn had been washing warm, wet storms over them almost daily, but often, they came and went within minutes and she would patiently await the sun beneath a tree and her parasol. That day, however, the day woke to rain, and it had stayed, churning the lake cloudy with disturbed particulates. 

Though she enjoyed a good walk in the rain, everyone--A-Yao, A-Cheng, He Si, Qing-mei, Liu-popo, her childhood doctor-- had cautioned against going out in it when she was still fragile, and so her maid had helped her shuffle slowly across shining walkways and summer-verdant ponds pebbled with raindrops, huddled together under a waxed parasol and cloak. When she saw a hunched, dark shape within, she had paused at the door, squinting into the incense and candle warmed gloom within. When she recognized the set of her brother’s shoulders, she had quietly dismissed He Si with a lift of her chin. 

A-Xian had looked up when she moved from the fresh, silvery air of the outside to the space of quietly splashing water and remembered prayers. Immediately, the comforting hiss and patter of rain receded even more when she slid the door shut, leaving them surrounded only by the pale darkness of the ornate lotus screen panels--a private little universe. When she turned, A-XIan was already there, helping her out of her cloak, taking the dripping parasol from her hand. “Shijie! Are you sure you should be up?” The shadows beneath his eyes were dark and he had missed a spot on his jaw shaving this morning.

“I don’t think staying in bed for the rest of my pregnancy would be good for me or my baby, A-XIan.” She had softened the already gentle jibe by brushing back the hair from his face and patting his cheek, feeling the prickle under her fingers. “Help me to the cushions?”

He, of course, did, supporting her elbow, his other hand wrapped protectively around her far shoulder. The scent that clung to him was sharp and unpleasant, wholly unlike the memories she associated with him. Long ago, she had buried her nose in the top of his little boy head, and would breathe in soap and sunshine and love--and now, as a man, he used to smell like the spices he liked to eat and something fresh. Now, he smelled like…danger, soot, blood. That alone would have unnerved her. But when they sat next to each other and her eyes adjusted, she could take in the whole of him.

“I know, I know, I look terrible. I look worse than I feel, don’t worry,” he waved off her eye’s widening with feigned ease, smiling.

He had lost weight quickly, leaving him hollow cheeked and wan. His hair was only hastily brushed, his topknot uneven, slightly lopsided, and his eyes were bloodshot. On his hands, cinnabar, soot, and old blood was smeared, half-heartedly wiped, then smeared again, darkening around his nails. “A-Xian,” she had intoned with enough force that he immediately sat up straight, sucking in his lips like a child caught out doing something he knew he shouldn’t be doing. “After we talk, you’re going to take a bath and eat a full meal outside your room. Alright?”

“Really, I’m--” 

“A-Xian!” She had broken in, frowning, eyebrows drawn down. 

He hunkered down, pouting as he muttered, “Yes, Shijie.” Tilting doleful eyes and pushed out lip up at her, he then whined, “Shijieeee, don’t be mad at me. I’ll do better. Sorry if I’m smelly.” To illustrate this, he theatrically lifted up his sleeve to sniff it, then wrinkled his nose in real distaste. “Ugh. Alright, I get it.”

With a sigh, she had reached for his hands. He had seemed to wake to what was on them and scrubbed his palms on his thighs before taking them. “It’s not that, Xianxian, you know that. I’m worried about you. I’m worried about both of you.”

Apparently, he and A-Cheng had also been warily circling each other, like they did after most fights. Their spats, she had heard from a combination of A-Yao, He Si, and Qing-mei were more mundane and brotherly, now, weeks later--though they ended as often with eye rolling and secret smiles as hurt feelings and tight lipped silences. It had been bad right after their return, she had heard--A-Cheng storming around with a poisonous temper for days and A-Xian working on Wen Ning all hours of the day and night, refusing to leave his room. She hated that she had to hear about it second hand, that they visited her one at a time, that when she was able to emerge from her room, they were often away, doing what they could. She wasn’t around to soothe their rough edges from grinding against the other.

Qing-mei was with her the most, A-Yao a close second, when he wasn’t helping A-Cheng or something else that needed doing around the Pier. Xianxian had only come in a few times, sometimes too exhausted to do anything but drape himself over the edge of her bed and childishly request hair stroking, which she, of course, gave. Once, a day or two after she had discovered she was pregnant, apparently deciding that she was well enough for a scolding, he had come and very seriously told her to never even think about giving him her core again. “Aren’t you glad Wen Qing said no to that nonsense?” he had demanded, frowning at her in displeasure.

Yanli thought it was rich of him being so incensed about it, but she had let it go. “I wasn’t…I don’t remember doing it. It was the fever, I think.”

“Well, don’t even go thinking it!” he had said, fierceness belayed by him anxiously petting at her arm. “Put it out of your head! Alright?”

She thought about a great many things that she didn’t share with him. It wasn’t something she thought of…constantly. Or even very often. It was just something that had reared its head when she had learned of what A-Xian and Wen Qing had done. When he had sat before A-Cheng and herself with A-Yao by his side and tried to pretend it wasn’t the worst thing they had ever heard. She felt sick when she remembered it--sick for both her brothers. She couldn’t think about it too long, or….

But she was, indeed, glad that Qing-mei had stoutly refused her delirious babble. Her core, weak and pitiful as it was, was going to have to support her and this child through her pregnancy. At least it was finally good for something.

With a start, Yanli blinked out of her hazy, sunwarmed ruminations of the past few weeks and back into the garden, now shaded a brilliant blue from the after images her orange eyelids had left. She couldn’t have been dozing long, for she could hear footsteps returning back down the path. But something in the back of her mind perked up at their familiarity and the knowledge that it wasn’t He Si’s stride. Delighted, she levered herself back entirely upright in the chair and twisted around to see her husband emerging from around the dwarf maple whose leaf edges flirted with gold. “A-Yao!”

“I’ve brought you something, Jiang-furen,” he announced with a twinkle of humor in his dimples, presenting her favorite scalloped, lavender parasol, dotted with intricate plum blossoms on a branch. “He Si was very keen that you have it.”

She laughed and shook her head, reaching out to him for a greeting kiss, which he warmly bestowed on her. He smelled and tasted lovely, like he had been walking around out in the fresh air all day. “She frets so much. It couldn’t have anything to do with you fretting so much, could it? Is she coming back?”

“I dismissed her for other duties, as I assumed you might wish to spend time together.”

Delights up on delights! “Oh, always!”

He helped her up from her chair and walked pressed to her side, his arm sure and firm around her, his fingertips brushing her belly beneath her sleeve, out of sight from passing eyes. Oh, A-Yao; her beloved, tangled up A-Yao. 

Despite his calm outward face, was so clearly terrified by everything about this, including the prospect of not being by her side at every moment. He was constantly on the move, organizing and advising and assisting and whatever else his clever mind decided that they needed--but in between all this, he would appear anxiously at her side at all hours, asking what he could do, if He Si was attending to her properly, if she needed something. Come to think of it…perhaps she had better make sure her husband had no overt hand in her maid’s currently overly fretful state.

She was fairly certain he was more scared than she was about the prospect of becoming a parent, which was endearing, considering she was the one that would have to give birth and not him. He hid it quite admirably, even for him, buried underneath the more typical worry for her--and now, the baby’s--health. And he clearly planned to “burden” her with none of it. But she could see it in his eyes, could feel it in the way he held her.

When they had discovered she was with child, that night, he had asked to make love to her, and had done so exquisitely sweetly. Well, every time they had made love so far had been sweet, but that night, he had been even more tender, more warm and attentive than ever before. Every press of his skin had been gentle enough that she could barely feel where he began and she ended. Ever since then, he had been treating her as if she were made of precious glass. From him, her husband, she happily accepted the attention. The way that he doted on her never made her feel lessened, like he thought she was some incapable child or weak, silly girl. It only made her feel wanted and precious.

He had been appalled that he had let her go on the arduous trip to find Wei Wuxian, and when she had asked with her expression, smiling softly; Let me?, he had amended that he should have begged her to come back with him to Lotus Pier. She had had to remind her that she couldn’t have. A-Yao had simply sighed deeply and said that he knew. Running her hands over his jaw, where the yellow-brown ghosts of the bruises on his jaw from Zixun were finally no longer visible, she had said, “I’ll be careful now. And so should you, yes?”

He had kissed her slowly into sleep.

Now, together, they agreed to try some cooking in the smaller kitchen, so as not to get in the way of the cooks. It was the most activity than she had attempted in days, but there was no tremble to her hands and her muscles felt like actual muscles today, instead of some wet, quivering mud. Standing felt good instead of arduous. And she would never get her strength back if she lived in a chair for the next 9 months. This kitchen was more cluttered than the main one, and a little darker for the smaller windows, but by no means dirty--it also gave them the added benefit of privacy. It was because of this, she was certain, that A-Yao felt comfortable enough to press up behind her as she stood at the counter and sliced up figs. His arms rested comfortably about her waist, palms pressed to her belly and chin resting on her shoulder as he observed her work. Though his whole front pressed warmly against her back, there was no lascivious invitation in it, only closeness and trust. In public, he was not overtly performative with his affection; a supporting arm while walking here, laying a hand atop hers there. It was when they were alone he felt he could cautiously touch her more freely, as if the eyes of others made his love something lewd. Well…she supposed that might in fact be a concern for him. No matter. Whether a peck in private, a brush of her cheek in public and everything in between--and sometimes more--she adored it all. 

“I’m not going to fall over, A-Yao,” she teased. “I’ll let you know if I need to sit down.”

“Of course,” he answered easily, but did not move away, instead nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck.

Contended, she hummed and paused in her knife strokes, laying her cheek atop his shoulder. A golden glow, at once fierce and tender, had a permanent place in her chest nowadays. It had nothing to do with her fading illness and everything to do with this bright new future she had been gifted. She was so lucky. 

Outside the widow, across the courtyard, someone screamed. 

A-Yao spun her back from the window as the bright afternoon outside was split with a crash, an inhuman roar, and more screams, one right after the other. Yanli stumbled, pressed herself against the far wall, her heart pounding wildly against her ribs. Icy gooseflesh cascaded over skin, her stomach knotted in fear. A-Yao, a dagger suddenly in hand, was peering out the window, motionless. She couldn’t see anything from her angle and the leaves outside, but the wild screaming, the roaring continued. The sound of running feet. “What is it?” she whispered, voice pressed thin. 

He only wordlessly shook his head, scanning back and forth. A tree stood in front of the window, she knew, obscuring most of the view of the outside. 

What on earth could it be? Lotus Pier was protected, there were talismans and wards and--

A-Cheng bellowed something, voice harsh with fear.

A-Cheng.

“A-Li, no--!” A-Yao’s shout followed her out the door, but she couldn’t stop.

Her brother was in trouble. I won’t be left behind again, I can’t, I can’t-- 

The courtyard stones flew beneath her feet, then the bridge and she could see, flashing into her mind like blinding light off of waves. A-Cheng, across the walkway, Sandu flashing in the sun, Zidian crackling. Still bellowing, pointing. Disciples running to him as quickly as the servants flooded away, wailing in terror. A towering black figure on the other side of the ornamental pond, wreathed in writhing smoke. It ripped out another unearthly snarl as it flung something big away from itself. A body, a person, flailing in midair, screaming. A snap as they crashed through a carved banister and landed in a sickening, motionless heap, a loose pink ribbon fluttering to earth behind them. “He Si!” 

A hand clamped on her arm as she started forward. A-Yao had caught up. “A-Li!”

“We can’t! A-Si!” She struggled forward, clutching his sleeve, dragging him along.

Shouts and screams bled into the pounding in her ears, pulse a frantic bird in her head that shrieked. She was only across the walkway, only a dozen steps away. Clangs, a thump, a grunt--oh gods! Then she heard A-Cheng’s voice still shouting orders--not him. A-Yao’s face was sharp and hard. His other hand rose to her shoulder. He was going to pick her up and carry her away, saw his thoughts written like script across his face and she couldn’t, she clutched at him and pleaded, “No, please! A-Yao, please, please!” They couldn’t just leave her here, bleeding, in danger!

His eyes darted, then his pull changed, urging her forward, running with her instead of pulling her back. Her movements were loose with fear, jerky and wild and she nearly fell up the steps onto the walkway. Blood covered the girl's face, pooling crimson rapidly onto the shining wood around her. They bent, dragging her back to get better purchase on her limp body. Her feet dragged pitifully. Yanli’s hands were shaking so badly she couldn’t close them around her arms properly. One still held the knife from the kitchen. She had forgotten she still had it. 

The girl wasn’t moving. A-Yao hefted her torso up in his arms, turned to her, opened his mouth--

A fresh wave of screams.

“Jiejie!” A-Cheng’s voice cracked from across the second bridge as she heard a shuffle of wind, a thump behind them and suddenly, the roots of her teeth ached, and that smell--the sharp, burning metal-blood smell that clung to A-Xian--flooded her.

Looking up, the sun blinded her for a split second before vicious smoke--resentful energy stung her eyes, flooded her throat--white hand filled her vision.  Then, something canoned into her side, knocking her away to sprawl away from He Si. Blood and sky spun around her. Battlefield gore, fear, death choked her throat. Gasping, coughing, she scrambled, to her hands and knees, head whirling. When she looked up, her entire body went ice cold and all she could hear in the world was screaming.

It was Wen Ning, black veins sprawling across his face, the empty white holes of his eyes fixed on who he now held by the throat. A-Yao, who had knocked her aside.

No!

Even though the foul resentful energy wreathing them both, her husband’s eyes were alight with more rage than fear, teeth bared. He had already buried his dagger hilt deep in Wen Ning’s chest, right in his heart. The fierce corpse vented another noise human throats should not be able to make and lifted A-Yao, like he was light as a rag, off his feet. Thrashing, choking, A-Yao brought up a leg to kick the dagger hilt deeper, another already in his other hand.

Wen Ning’s other hand shot out, latched around his wrist. Yanli felt the snap in her chest more than heard it. His dagger clanged to the ground. She could see those fingers closing further, like a vise, crushing. A-Yao made no sound--couldn’t, his throat was squeezed, he couldn’t--he couldn’t--

 Screaming--she was screaming, that noise was her--she stumbled up, forward, swinging the kitchen knife up to hack at Wen Ning’s arms, wrists, anything to free her husband. She was close enough that the writhing mist stung like nettles over her skin when something collided with her again, knocking her back from them, sending the knife clattering away from her grip. Qing-mei clung to her, dragged her back, shouting something into her ear. She fought against her, still screaming. He had A-Yao!

 It had been only moments since Wen Ning had landed behind them, but time was boiling, stretching, bursting around them. No no no no no--

Crackling, blinding purple wrapped around Wen Ning’s pale throat, pulled tight and he at least dropped A-Yao’s arm, snarling, clawing at it. Zidian. A-Cheng was there, yanking back on Zidian hard enough to bow Wen Ning’s spine back. But he still had A-Yao’s throat clenched in his grip, still held him up entirely as he kicked at him, hands locked on Wen Ning’s wrist.

“A-Ning, stop! Stop!” Wen Qing cried, arms still knotted around Yanli, still dragging her back as she struggled. 

The disciples clamored nearer, shouting, flinging talismans that sizzled into ash as soon as they met the corona of energy spilling from Wen Ning. Some were already limping, bleeding, and A-Cheng shouted at them to stay back. A piercing, chilling note shrieked above the clamor, freezing Wen Ning still as stone. 

A-Xian. 

Frantically, Yanli searched for him, found him pelting around the corner of the Banquet Hall, Chenqing at his lips. “Wei Wuxian!” A-Cheng roared over at him. “Make him stop!”

A-Xian was pale and wide eyed as his fingers flew over the black lacquer of his flute. He skidded to a halt to suck in a huge breath and trill a complicated, twisting melody that raised all the hairs on Yanli’s body. A shudder went through Wen Ning like a wave across the pond and he began to shake. A quiet, abrupt gasp broke from A-Yao’s lips, as if the fingers around his throat had loosened fractionally. But his face was almost blue, eyes rolling back--and black veins were snaking from under the fierce corpse’s palm. 

“A-YAO!”

In that instant of brief stillness, like a shadow, A-Cheng rose up from behind Wen Ning, Zidian pulled taut in his hand, Sandu raised--his face was dark as a thundercloud, death in his eyes. “Zongzhu!” Qing-mei’s gasped, “Husband, please! Don’t hurt him!”

A-Cheng’s hesitated, eyes flickered, his killing intent cracked. “A-Cheng!” Yanli shrieked, fighting and thrashing, throat raw.

She didn’t even know what she was begging him to do. All she knew was that A-Yao was now just twitching instead of kicking and she could not get free. 

A-Cheng’s face hardened as Chenqing’s tone shrilled up and down a haunting scale, and, with a huge heave, he wrenched Zidian back. The frozen Wen Ning toppled down sideways with the force of it, collapsing both he and A-Yao over into the ornamental lotus pond beside them with a splash. Yanli no longer had to break free of Wen Qing’s grip, for they were both racing to the pond as fast as they could.

 But A-Cheng slid in front of them, flinging out his arms to block them both with his chest as Chenqing’s notes cut off, A-Xian’s panicked voice instead yelling out a warning; Wen Ning reared up from the water behind him, roaring, thrashing, and splashing. 

A-Yao did not.

[artiststarme]

False Alarm

Thanks to @doubleb11 for this idea! It was fun writing this with all of the chaos. I hope you guys like it and please leave your thoughts in the comments! Also, if anyone comes up with a cool title for it, please let me know!

(now on Ao3)

~*~*~*~

Steve sighed as he sat on the edge of the lake up by his parent’s lake house a couple of hours north of Hawkins. It had been months since the events of Spring Break and dealing with the aftermath of it but Steve hadn’t had a chance to get away to decompress. His time, for months, has been spent carting Max back and forth to physical therapy while her mom worked double shifts, playing bodyguard for Eddie against everyone in town, and hosting DnD at his parent’s house so the kids could act like kids. Between the Party and working back to back shifts at Family Video, Steve was at his wit’s end. So, he did what he always did when he was feeling particularly stressed. 

He called off of work, packed his old school backpack, raided the pantry for snacks, and set off towards his parent’s lakehouse. 

Whenever the silence in his house grew too suffocating or the pressures in Hawkins got too great in the past, he’d leave for a weekend or two. He would drive up to his parent’s lakehouse and relax for however long it took to feel like himself again. Steve would wait until the tension in his shoulder lessened to nothing and the heaviness in his chest lightened. When he finally felt normal again, he would drive back and return to reality, or his fucked up version of it anyway.

Sitting at the lakeside with a cold beer in hand, alone with nature after feeling suffocated with responsibilities back home was enough for him to breathe. 

He’d been pulling this de-stressing disappearing act for years without any repercussions. Whenever he got a bad grade or a particularly gruesome loss in basketball, he’d drive up here for some alone time to wallow. His ‘friends’ at school certainly didn’t notice his absence and didn’t care if they did. His parents too were unaffected with his weekend trips. They never cared when he left, probably wishing he would stay gone. 

After the Upside Down, his disappearances became more frequent. He’d throw some clothes in a bag and hop in his car when he had a bad nightmare or when his head started to ache. He even set up his bedroom at the lakehouse to be an infirmary of sorts, a place he could go to recover from nasty migraines whenever they sprung up. Steve’s biggest fear was becoming a burden to the people he cared about and ending up alone so he hid his weaknesses, dealing with them himself. After his first three experiences with the Upside Down, no one questioned his weekend excursions. They were too busy trying to recoup themselves to worry about him. Inevitably, he would go back to Hawkins and things would continue as they always had. He would hold the facade of having things together and would be available for the kids when they needed him, without having anyone available for him. 

So just like always, when the itch to disappear for a while had come, Steve packed his things and took off without a word. When his heartbeat stopped fluttering and the tension headache faded, he would go back home to his friends that never noticed him missing anyways. 

But for now he would enjoy the views of the lake without going for a swim, PTSD from Spring Break had ruined that, and would relax in a place that had always felt comforting to him. 

~*~*~*~

Eddie was worried about Steve. For the past week and a half, conversations with him had begun to feel one sided with Steve always staring out into the distance, like he wished he could be anywhere else. He kept catching him rubbing at his temples and stressfully scrubbing his hands down his face. 

When Eddie mentioned it to Robin, she explained that those were some of the signs Steve started to show when a migraine was encroaching on him. After her closing shift at Family Video, he drove them both to the Wheeler’s house to pick up some homemade chicken noodle soup with Nancy in tow. Then they went to Steve’s house. 

The usually inviting home was completely dark which made Eddie and Nancy pause. Eddie had never seen the home look so foreboding. Robin didn’t so much as pause in her ministrations.

“The lights hurt his head when he’s having a migraine. I bet the dingus has just been staying in bed the past few days, not even feeding himself. Let’s bring some sustenance to the self-sacrificing idiot,” she answered their unasked question and proceeded to the house. 

But the front door was locked. Both her and Nancy turned to Eddie who just looked at them blankly. 

“Well? Pick the lock!” Robin said, waggling her hands in front of the door. 

“Why would I pick the lock?” He asked her confused. 

“Because it’s locked and I don’t have a key. Pick it!”

“Why can’t we knock and have him open it? If any of the neighbors see me picking his lock, they’ll call the cops and I’ll get arrested!” 

Nancy sighed in exasperation. “Eddie, who cares if they call the cops? Hopper will be on our side and Powell and Callahan are useless anyway. Pick the lock or I’ll shoot it.”

“Nice try,” he said condescendingly. “You didn’t even bring your gun.”

“Didn’t I?” She asked, raising a brow in challenge.

Eddie swiped a hand down his face and pulled a couple of bobby pins from his bun. He wasn’t going to argue with Nancy “gun-slinging” Wheeler, thank you very much. After a few twists, turns, and pokes, the door opened with a soft groan. 

“Thank you,” Robin muttered sarcastically and slid past him. Nancy glared at him and did the same. Eddie looked around the neighbor’s houses before sighing defeatedly and ducking inside to follow the girls. If he got arrested for breaking and entering, Wayne was going to be pissed. At least he was doing it in an effort to help Steve. 

The problem was, Steve wasn’t there. Robin looked frantically all over the house, the basement, and the backyard but she couldn’t find him anywhere. What she did find though was an empty snack stash, a missing bomber jacket, and a lack of school backpack in his closet. 

“Holy shit guys, I think he left! He felt so miserable that he left! Oh my god, what kind of platonic soulmate am I that I didn’t even notice that Steve was suffering? Oh no, what if he doesn’t know we care? I don’t know how to live without him. Nance, Eddie, what do we do?!” Robin rambled, her voice was teetering on the edge of hysterics. 

Nancy looked just as shocked as she did, her own voice shaky when she spoke. “I-I don’t know. Steve is the one that’s always grounded, always so sure of everything. I don’t know what to do. Maybe we can call a code red, alert the kids?”

“Yeah, yeah, we have to, right?” Eddie muttered. Through all of his paranoid wondering, this is not a scenario he had imagined. 

For the next three days, the entire Party searched for Steve. Eddie helped Nancy and Robin visit all of Steve’s old haunts and current hangouts. The kids tried to reach his walkie on Cerebro and tried to call his parents, although they never answered. Hopper, Joyce, and even Murray called hospitals and morgues all over the state of Indiana but nothing came of it.

It was like Steve had disappeared off the face of the Earth. El and Will were positive that it wasn’t Upside Down related, they were sure that the Upside Down was gone for good. Even if it wasn’t they were 100% certain that they would feel it. Dustin and Lucas assured the group that he must’ve been kidnapped. There was no other alternative, Steve wouldn’t just leave. Mike and Max though were a little more pessimistic in their speculations. They thought that maybe Steve didn’t care about them as much as they thought he did. Why else would he run away?

Robin and Eddie in particular were distraught. Robin because her platonic soulmate was missing, because he didn’t feel that he could come to her. Eddie because the object of his affections, his current best friend, and potentially future boyfriend, was missing. They hadn’t discussed feelings yet but their flirting was escalating rapidly so it was only a matter of time. Unless they couldn’t find him which would leave whatever they had on the cusp of something. 

Nancy was horrified at the prospect of Steve leaving. They weren’t in a great place, they never were after Barb disappeared and she called him bullshit. Things were awkward between them now, as they had been for years. But she liked to think they were friends, friends that could lean on each other when they needed to. To discover that Steve didn’t feel that way was heartbreaking. 

And Hopper? Hopper felt like he failed the kid. He knew the Harrington’s were always out of town and he knew that Steve was in that big house all by himself a majority of the time. He should have checked in more, should’ve made him feel more included in his own little family. And now he was gone for good and he would never get the chance. 

~*~*~*~

Steve was feeling refreshed after a few days away. After a mere few days relaxing without responsibility and worry, his heart felt lighter and his head felt clearer than it had in months. He felt good enough to return to his day-to-day life so he took one last view of the picturesque water, threw his bag into the car, and took off. 

The drive back home was always longer than the one he took to the lake house but he passed the time singing to his mixtapes and having a good time. He was bopping his head and singing along to a Queen song, living his best life as he drove past the Welcome to Hawkins sign when he saw police lights behind him. 

“Son of a bitch,” he muttered while he pulled his car over onto the shoulder. Thirty seconds into this goddamn town and it was already giving him problems. 

He didn’t expect Hopper to be the one that pulled him over but alas, when he rolled his window down, he was met with the full-force anger of Hopper’s glare. Steve didn’t know what he did to deserve that but he tried to placate him regardless. “Hey Hop-” 

“Where the hell were you?” He asked, his tone dry and angry.

“On vacation, why?” Steve’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Had they noticed he left?

“Step out of your vehicle,” Hopper said and stepped back from his car door. 

“What are you going to do, search it for drugs? I don’t have Eddie with me so you’re not going to find any.”

“Steve, get out of the car!” He yelled. 

Steve huffed and rolled his eyes but did step out of the Beemer. “Hop, what are you doing? I’ve been driving for hours, I just want to go home for a nap-”

He was cut off when Hopper pulled him into a bear hug. “Jesus Christ, Harrington. You scared the hell out of me. You can’t just take off like that.”

“O…kay,” Steve returned his hug but mostly just stared at Hopper’s side profile like he’d gone insane. 

Hopper pulled back enough to rest a hand on his neck like a dad would, lovingly. “C’mon kid, hop in the cruiser.”

“Hop, I’m not just going to leave my car here!”

“Get in the cruiser, Harrington! Now!” He yelled again.

With a couple of grumbles, Steve grabbed his backpack and locked his car. He slid into the passenger seat of Hopper’s police SUV and they were off. Any time Steve tried to speak, ask Hopper what the hell was happening, he just received a gruff, “not now.” 

He didn’t know what was going on but it was safe to say, Steve had never been so confused in his life. 

When the car finally stopped, they were sitting in front of the Byers’ house. Hopper stepped out of the car and motioned for Steve to get out as well, which he did confusedly. “Okay, what-”

Hopper quickly circled to his side of the cruiser and slapped some cuffs around his left wrist. He fastened the other side to his own wrist and pulled him via the cuffs up the driveway. 

“Hop, no offense, but have you lost your goddamn mind? What the fuck are you doing? Are you arresting me? I’m so confused!”

The entire Party came rushing out of the house when they heard his enraged shouts of confusion. When he turned to Robin to ask her what the hell was happening, he was assaulted by the ramble of all rambles. 

“Steve! What the hell, Steve. I was so worried! Eddie told me that you were having some migraine symptoms so we were going to bring you some of Mrs. Wheeler’s homemade chicken noodle soup that you really like so we went to your house but all of the lights were off and the door was locked and I didn’t have a key! You’re getting me a key by the way because you pull stuff like this way too often. Then, I told Eddie to pick the lock to the front door but he didn’t want to because he didn’t want to get arrested for breaking and entering, like you would ever press charges. Nancy threatened him with her gun though so he did pick the lock but you weren’t there! And then we called a code red and we were looking for you for days because we didn’t know where you went! We thought you were dead, Steve. Where did you even go? Where were you?”

Steve just looked at her blankly from his position cuffed to Hopper for a moment. He blinked and asked her, “Nancy threatened Eddie with her gun?”

“Yes, Steve! I did, now where were you!?” Nancy yelled at him from her place behind the group of rowdy children. He was apt to ignore her question until Eddie came up beside him and swung an arm over his shoulder. 

“It wasn’t so much a threat as it was a reminder that she had a gun in her purse. I’m really glad you’re back, Stevie. I was worried out of my mind, Big Boy! Where’d you go?” 

Well, he couldn’t ignore Eddie, especially not when he was so close to him studiously ignoring Hopper’s glare. 

“I went up to my parent’s lake house. It’d been a while and it was nice to get away. Why were you so worried?” Steve asked. 

“Because you disappeared without telling anyone!” Hopper flailed his hands in outrage which only succeeded in jerking Steve’s wrist all over as well. He sighed and unlocked the handcuffs when Steve glared at him. “Kid, we thought you’d been killed or sucked back into the Upside Down. You can’t just leave like that.”

“Okay, next time I’ll tell you guys. I’m sorry you thought I was dead, or missing, or whatever. Now, can someone please give me a ride back to my car?”

~*~*~*~

It had been two weeks and Steve was pretty sure he was living a nightmare. He hadn’t gotten any time alone since he got back to Hawkins and he didn’t know why! He was halfway tempted to up and disappear again to prove a point because this was getting ridiculous. 

Steve prided himself on being independent, he had to be since he was left alone for most of his life. So being stalked and accosted constantly was wearing him a bit thin. Hopper keeps showing up at his house to drag him to the station to “talk”. He doesn’t know why he keeps being arrested but he’s over it. Whenever he leaves Family Video after a shift, one of the kids pops up seemingly out of nowhere to ask for a sleepover or pool party. He went grocery shopping on Tuesday and could see the flash of red hair from his peripheral the entire time. And they’re inviting themselves into his house too! He’s moving a bookshelf and suddenly, there’s Eddie lifting the other end. 

He reaches his limit one day when he’s trying to take a dip in his pool and looks up to see Murray’s head peeking over his hedge. The guy has a glass of vodka in one hand, binoculars in the other, wearing an open robe and wife beater like a nosey neighbor. The thing is though, he’s not Steve’s neighbor. He lives in fucking Illinois! 

Steve pulls himself out of the pool, fully glaring at Murray. He leaves the patio door open when he steps into his kitchen so Murray can hear him speaking on the phone. 

“Sheriff's department, what’s your emergency?”

“I’m being stalked. Literally, anywhere I go everyone is watching me. I swear to god, I was just sitting at my pool and I saw goddamn Murray Bauman’s head pop out from behind one of the hedges. He’s standing there right now, acting like I can’t see him,” Steve said with his eyes meeting Murray’s directly. This fucker doesn’t even blink at being called out. He simply drops the binoculars and raises his middle finger up in the air, completely deadpan and off putting. 

“Oh, you-”

“Sir, it’s a crime to place a false police report and we need this line free to take actual emergencies.”

“This is a real emergency! Is Hopper there? I bet he’s the one behind all of this! I need to talk to him.” Steve shouts, his patience waning with every word. 

“Chief Hopper is out on important police business.”

“Is this Callahan? You really are fucking useless, fuck you!” Steve yells and disconnects the call. 

(Callahan just looks at the phone when he hangs up like ‘what the fuck did I do?’)

Eventually, Steve and the rest of the Party would sit down and discuss their fears and things would go back to normal. But for now, Murray would watch Steve Harrington pace around his kitchen with increasing amounts of rage with the utmost amusement. He didn’t know what to expect when Jim told him to keep an eye on the Harrington boy but geez, is he glad he decided to help.

Permanent tag list: @doubleb11 @nburkhardt @zerokrox-blog @newtstabber @i-less-than-three-you @carlyv @pyrohonk @straight4joekeery @trippypancakes @conversesweetheart @estrellami-1 @suddenlyinlove @yikes-a-bee @swimmingbirdrunningrock @perseus-notjackson @anaibis @merricatty @maya-custodios-dionach @grtwdsmwhr @manda-panda-monium @lumoschild @goodolefashionedloverboi @mentallyundone @awkwardgravity1

[apprenticestanheight]

THE FIVE DAYS OF SMUTMAS QUEUE: DAY TWO

Work Shirts - Lawrence Gordon x gn! reader

All right!! This is day two of my silly little christmas celebration, and of course I had to do what I've been procrastinating since basically the start of this account--write a Lawrence reader insert piece!

I love him wholeheartedly despite my lack of fics for him so this has definitely been a long time coming, and this one, much like yesterdays fic, stems from a thought I had—though with this thought, @mrkheartffmans and I went a lil feral together through the reblogs of the original post and thus, the fic concept came to light!

This is also a few years post trap because I was like "yeah working somewhere for a decade is cool but what about a decade and a half??" also—my mentality was that having it set a few years post-trap would be easier to write?? I don't know how true that actually is but it was my thought process lol.

This fic is for audiences of 18+, so minors, do not interact!

Fic type- this is mostly--almost entirely--smut. There's also angst if you squint because yeah, angst was bound to be present somewhere lol

Warnings- unprotected sex (reader is on BC), and as per usual, the reader is GN for all intents and purposes (petnames included), but I went with AFAB anatomy as that's the anatomy that I know best.

Lawrence wishes he could act like the surprise on the faces of his coworkers when he mentioned having the last two weeks of December off came as a surprise to him, but he can't and he kind of hates that.

Of course people are bound to be a little surprised by it. In the decade and a half that he's worked at Angels of Mercy, the only incident where he took any sizeable amount of time off was while he was recovering from the bathroom trap and could hardly stand, let alone walk like he used to.

But, in the three years since the bathroom trap and aside from that month long period where he allowed himself to recover before going back to work, he'd not taken a single day away. Being at work, seeing to patients and talking to people—even just going to work and filling out miscellaneous paperwork while he sat in the isolation of his office—kept his mind busy and his hands busier.

He came home from work every night and saw you, which just made his entire day as it were. You'd order food or make something quick and just spend your time lounging on the couch, occasionally get a little flirty, and laugh when Lawrences hands started wandering how they used to in the days of your masters degree and his days of medical school.

But, because of a backlog of PTO and the fact that he'd been overworking himself almost to the bone with the onslaught of people needing medical care during the last three months of the year, Lawrence decided to book the 14th through to the 2nd of January off so that he could get some rest and worry about housework so that you didn't have to worry at all, where you normally split the housework fifty-fifty.

Lawrence knew that your marketing job got really, really stressful during the last month of the year. People always unearthed different versions of themselves come the holidays, and all he wanted was for you to come home from your workday and not have to worry about menial things like a messy bathroom counter, week-old leftovers in need of throwing away or dishes not yet moved from the dishwasher to the cupboards.

He gets called into work for an emergency on the 21st, and after running to grab groceries during the afternoon on the 22nd, he's delighted to find what he does waiting for him in the bed you share.

You're typically home from work at around seven, sometimes eight thirty on particularly busy days, and when Lawrence arrives home, it's half past eight.

He goes into your bedroom, having indeed hoped to see you there or at least get a call about work running late with the promise of more details upon your arrival at home as he enters your shared bedroom, but what he sees is so much better than anything he could've hoped for.

You're sitting on the bed, back pressed against the head board, focused on whatever romance book you'd plucked from a charity bookstore on your way home, but it's not what you're reading that Lawrence really takes note of.

No, it's not the book at all, though he does note that the title makes it seem like something from either the regency or the victorian era. It's what you're wearing.

You're wearing the shirt he wore to work the previous day, buttons undone with the cufflinks you'd gifted him for christmas the year his residency ended still holding the sleeves of the shirt together, the duvet covering your legs and hips, which makes Lawrence assume you've stolen a pair of his sweatpants in addition to the shirt.

He knocks, lightly, on the side of the door, and you startle, looking up to the source of the knock and relaxing the minute you see his face.

"You startled me," you say, grinning and closing your book over your thumb so as not to lose your place. "I remember you told me you'd be getting groceries around when I would get home, so I stole one of your shirts and settled in. Figured we could order Thai food or something to that effect, have a late dinner and relax."

Lawrence runs his tongue over his lips, notices the keen way with which you watch him do it.

"Yeah," he grins, further enters the room. "That sounds lovely. I grabbed the last of the necessary ingredients for dinner Christmas Day so that you wouldn't have to worry—I know that work has been something of a mess for you lately and I want to make sure you have the opportunity to relax when you come home."

He approaches the bed, watches you place the book you'd been reading open on your nightstand beneath the lamp.

"I don't deserve you," you laugh.

You've been dating since you were starting up with your masters a year after getting your bachelors degree when you were twenty-three and Lawrence was two years into medical school at twenty-four.

You've been married since you were twenty-five and twenty-six, and seventeen years down the line, you both knew that marrying each other was the best possible thing either of you could've done with regard to the romantic part of your lives, and while you were married you ended up doing the best possible things for your respective careers so it worked in both of your favors regardless.

You were Lawrences rock, especially so in the aftermath of the bathroom trap, and he was yours and would be such forevermore.

"You're right," he says, moving away from the bed to grab a pair of sweatpants. "You deserve more, but I do strive to be what you deserve day in and day out."

"Don't say that," you chide. "You're perfect, Lawrence. I wouldn't've married you had I thought otherwise, I promise."

He can feel your gaze on him as he slips out of the khaki pants he wears, deciding to go commando and put a pair of light gray sweatpants on for comfort. He changes out of the black button up he'd chosen to wear, pulls a baggy dark blue Henley over his torso and climbs into bed beside you, pressing kiss after kiss down the line of your jaw and across your neck.

"How stressful has work been?" He asks, tone genuine but also slightly seductive.

"Oh, so stressful," you laugh, knowing exactly what he's doing and the fact that seeing you in one of his shirts and just one of his shirts has spurred that on by a mile. "I think if I have to hear one more coworker complaining about last minute shopping during the last few days before Christmas Eve or even on Christmas Eve in and of itself, I will start causing heads to roll. December is the worst time to be in the offices because everyone stops caring about year-end quotas and making sure things are good going into next year and starts caring about whatever gossip is being spread around. It's dreadful, Lawrence."

He pauses, looking at you with genuine sympathy in his gaze. "I'm sorry—I feel gross. I didn't mean to attempt to proposition you for sex like that. I really do want to hear about your day and I'm sorry it's been so terrible, my love. Are you going to book time off?"

You grin. Lawrence is ever-so considerate, always apologizing and stepping back if he's done something in a way that he doesn't appreciate midway through.

"You're going to be stuck with me from tomorrow through to the second," you say. "And—for the record, I didn't hate it. I like it when you proposition me for sex with kisses because your kisses are quite honestly one of the best parts of being married to you. Plus, I have had a stressful month and I won't lie and say that my current outfitting was just for comfort. Sure, bare ass on satin sheets is an amazing feeling, but I was hoping that I'd get the reaction I did, admittedly."

Lawrence tilts his head inquisitively. "You're not—you're—I thought you'd taken a pair of my sweatpants," he grins, moves a hand to your thigh. Sure enough, it's bare. "Oh, Christmas must've come early."

You laugh. "You fuckin' wish," you say, ignoring the goosebumps that Lawrences touch brings on.

You unbutton the few buttons done up on the shirt, press your back against the headboard.

"Stressful month, yeah baby?" Lawrence is almost beaming as his hand moves from your thigh to your stomach, lazily perusing up your chest.

You clench your jaw, squeeze your arms against your sides because you are not going to give in to your handsome husband and his illustrious whims just with a few touches and some whispered sentiments.

"So stressful, Lawrence," you nod. "So, so stressful."

"Do you need a way to destress?" His thumb and first finger locate your nipple, and you exhale a breathy moan, quiet and already wanting to give in to his whims. "If you do, I think I could be of assistance."

"Lawrence," you moan, quiet and needy. "Oh, fuck, Lawrence."

Lawrence moves his hand away from you for a second, only to take off his shirt and the sweatpants he wears before he's back to kissing your neck and letting his hands roam across your chest.

A few minutes of much the same passes by, Lawrences kisses lining your neck and jawline and face and your ethereal lips while he rolls your nipples between his fingers. His hand dips to your folds for just a few minutes, taking your slick onto his fingers and laughing against your shoulder.

"You're so wet for me already," he says. "Fuck, you're perfect."

"Wanna ride you," you're almost stunned at how evenly the words fall from your lips but not at all stunned when Lawrence agrees.

He pulls you onto his lap, lets you grind against his half-hard cock until it's fully hard and you're begging to feel him inside of you and moans when you bottom out, gaze watching you intently as his hands settle on your hips.

"Lawrence," you whisper. "Fuck."

A smile spreads onto Lawrences face before he can stop it, and when you start riding him, he presses his back against the headboard, one hand on your hip while the other lightly holds your chin so as to keep your gaze on his.

You get lost in how good it feels within the space of a minute, maybe two—Lawrence's cock is long and thick, and even if riding it takes some adjusting occasionally, it still becomes very enjoyable very quickly.

"You're so wonderful for me, Y/N," he says. "Oh, this never gets old."

He's loving how you feel around him, clenching occasionally and moaning after a particularly deep thrust that hits your g-spot, and you're just—it's just perfect.

And then, Lawrence gets an idea. He moves the hand that's cupping your face to your wrist, which is attached to the hand that you use to grope relentlessly at yourself, rolling your nipples between your thumb and first finger, sometimes moving to rub your clit.

"The cufflinks, baby," he says. "Don't touch yourself, mm? Use those for me."

He watches you press the cold silver cufflink against one of your nipples, moans as you clench around him at the sensation of the cold meeting your warm skin. You moan in turn, pressing the metal against your nipples and moaning his name.

He moves a hand back to your chin, placing his first and middle finger against your bottom lip. You take the hint immediately and bring his fingers into your mouth, grinding down onto him as you do.

"You're so good for me, pet," he says, moving the hand that rests on your hip to your clit. He starts rubbing it with practiced expertise, knowing the way you like it best after nearly two decades of marriage. "Oh, this is amazing. You can steal my work shirts whenever you want, okay? Especially the ones with the cufflinks. You're amazing."

You moan at the praise, pressing the cufflinks against yourself further, loving the way that the metal feels against your sensitive nipples.

He takes his fingers out of your mouth and goes back to holding your chin so as to keep your gaze on his, wanting to watch you orgasm.

You come completely undone when Lawrence speeds up his ministrations on your clit just enough to make you want more, and Lawrence watches.

You thrust your way through the aftershocks, at which point Lawrence releases into you and lets your chin free from his light grip, kissing you and offering praise as he does.

He pulls you off of him and gets a bath set up, helping you into it while giving you more praise and pressing kisses along the back of your neck and shoulder blades because the orgasm had left you both completely and totally breathless.

You bathe in light conversation, once again talking about your days but focusing on the more positive parts, and Lawrence lets you steal a Henley from the days of medical school. You pull a pair of boxers on and curl up in bed next to him, falling asleep only seconds before Lawrence does.

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok obviously because i am myself i have to journal through some Big Feelings!!!!

here are some of my feelings:

i feel an immense sense of relief. i have been in so much pain for so long with no solutions and no clear endpoint. i feel like i've been slowly losing my mind for weeks. it is just not good for your brain to experience that much pain or to feel that much raw despair every night for so long. i can have my baby and then i can have the surgeries and then i can get PT and then i can recover normal motor functions and not be in excruciating agony. i feel like i've been so deep in the despair pit that i've started losing sight of the fact that i'm genuinely excited to have a baby. i've started losing sight of the fact that there's going to be a baby, period. it's felt like this would just last forever and ever and ever. but it won't. it might last another month or two but from sunday onwards i will be moving in the direction of less pain.

i feel an immense sense of guilt. i know i should wait until 39-40 weeks for his health/well-being but also i know many people who were induced early and their babies are fine. i was born at 38 weeks and he'll be born at 37.5 weeks and i have had no lasting health issues. and they will keep a close eye on him and we will be able to manage anything that happens. i am trying not to let myself be swallowed up by the fear that i am being hugely selfish by prioritizing an end to my own pain over his well-being. i love him so much and i want him to be healthy but i also have to trust that my health and well-being matters and is important to his health and well-being. like i guess start as you mean to go on, you know, and i want to try to be a parent who can make decisions that take care of my kid but also honor my own needs.

i feel frustrated. as my sister pointed out if people had felt a greater sense of urgency about the pain earlier i probably could have gotten to "clear evidence of nerve damage" sooner and then had time to prepare for an early term induction instead of making it feel so rushed. also maybe i wouldn't have done so much damage to my hands in the meantime. i mean maybe everything would've played out exactly the same way and that's fine but it is still a little frustrating to tell people that you are in the worst pain you've ever experienced and to have them be like aw i'm sorry but that seems normal. but it's fine! it's fine.

i feel kind of proud of myself. one of my goals for pregnancy esp after the pregnancy loss over the summer was to get better at medical self-advocacy. i tend to be really cowed by doctors and to downplay symptoms or to assume that if i am a bit more forceful in asking for things i'll be labeled a difficult patient. but i think over the last couple months i have done a good job of nicely but firmly being like, this is not normal. this is not normal. this is not normal. i know you are saying this is normal but this is not and cannot be normal. and i feel like saying that repeatedly and showing up to the ED and calling all the time finally made people be like hm maybe this isn't normal, and then i was able to get objective confirmation that my hands were sooo fucked up, and now things are happening that are moving me towards a future without this pain.

i feel stressed about work but also in some ways i've moved so far beyond that i don't feel that stressed. like i just don't have time to care about my boss yelling at me or being passive-aggressive towards me for leaving early. i'm about to do something that is so, so, so, so, SO immensely more important and meaningful and life-affirming than like, figuring out who's going to cover tabling events or run an application workshop in the fall. like come on. i am not going to expend a single ounce of energy on that in this last week. i will wrap up everything to the very best of my ability and then i will leave it. nothing is life or death in this job, and i have done a good job already of preparing my team for the transition.

i feel panicky!!!!!! i'm going to have a baby in less than a week. i thought i had more time although like what was i even going to do with that time given the fact that i can barely perform household chores or type for more than 30 min at a time or sleep. i feel panicky just because it feels so sudden, but also like, i have everything i need to bring him home, and i've read all the books and done all the pre-baby prep work and i've spent nine months getting ready for this moment. i have a bunch of chores and errands i want to take care of before sunday, but then i want to really dedicate saturday to reflection and journaling and taking long walks and just like, experiencing the last day of being just me.

i feel grief!!!! a whole part of my life - the part where i'm not a parent - is ending. i wish i had more time to honor that transition and to reflect on what it meant. i will definitely carve out time this week to do that and will try to not fritter away the next five days with errands... i think it's much more important to spend time getting myself emotionally ready.

this is a little dumb but i must voice it aloud: i feel weirdly sad about ending the part of my life where my dogs were my most important companions & beloved creatures. i know they will continue to be my beloved creatures! my best little guy and my sweet scruffy little girl! but the time when we were just a little family unit of three is ending and everything will be different now even if it will also be better and richer in a whole host of ways. i have already done a lot of crying and forcibly snuggling a disgruntled Pip and i anticipate there is a lot more of that in my future this week lol. but we will take lots of good long walks and i'll snuggle them so much and i will just trust that it might take a little time for us to settle back into our new normal but we'll get there.

i feel grief, too, at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. in some ways i'm SO ready... my whole body just feels so heavy and so uncomfortable and so swollen, and of course, as you might have heard, my hands hurt so much i think about cutting my fingers off at least once a night. but for the most part, up until this last stretch of pain, i've really, really loved being pregnant. i love feeling him kick and stretch and roll over inside of me. i love rubbing the outside of my stomach and feeling him press against the inside in response, like we're talking to each other, like we're making contact. my baby!! my little guy i've carried inside of me for nine months. i did expect to have more time to savor the end of pregnancy and to honor the experience (even the painful parts) in ways that felt meaningful to me. i feel real grief about not being sure if i'll ever get to do this again! and i wish, idk, i wish i could've paced myself through the end of it differently and had time away from the distractions of work to really have this experience of being in my very pregnant body, connected to my baby in a way I'll never be again, in a way that has felt really deeply meaningful to me. i'll do my best to make that time this week, and i know it's ok, i know that the next chapter will be so good too, but i can grieve not getting to have the ending to pregnancy i wanted.

i feel ready to be changed forever. the rush at the end is not what i wanted for myself, just in terms of getting my head on straight before he arrived, but on some deeper level i've been ready for this for so long, and i'm so, so ready. i want to meet my baby. i can't believe he's going to be my kid for the rest of my life. i can't believe how lucky i am that i got to choose this for myself and that i get to live the life i wanted. i'm so ready. i'm so ready. i can't wait to meet my kid and i can't wait to meet my new self on the other side of this big, big, big, forever-life-altering change.

[a-bucket-of-trash]

And we see us again – Kelvin x Neutral Reader - One Shot

Prompt: Kelvin has recovered, time for a friendly visit.

Tags: Fluffy uwu

The last time you had seen Kelvin, it had been a couple of months ago, in the hospital, after having been finally rescued, after several months trapped in that hellish forest full of cannibals, mutants and an overpopulation of squirrels.

You had nothing more than superficial physical damage and poor nutrition, after consuming the tons of fish that he caught with inhuman skill, industrial quantity blueberries and the occasional legs that, in the winter season, gave you the opportunity to don’t starve.

Kelvin had it much worse, as his untreated brain injury had handicapped him over those months. Being on the island, you knew that the fact that his ears bleed on their own every couple of weeks was absolutely not a good thing, but in a place like this, there was nothing you could do but give him extra rest when you could, and cool down his head with a damp cloth. The fact that he had a fever along with the bleeding was a sign that something had become infected in his poor head, and the medicines you found lying around weren't the best, especially since most of them had already expired.

Still, the prognosis for him was pretty good. With proper treatment, medication and so on, within a few weeks his brain was working as it should, his hearing was beginning to return and he was finally articulating words. At least that's how you had seen on one of the last visits to the hospital. Maybe he would never be 100% the same as before, but, after what had happened, neither would you, and you hadn't had brain damage. You also needed treatment, especially psychological.

Forcing some of your contacts in the army, you got an address and, in that warm noon, you knocked on the light wooden door, seeing a familiar face open the door, and a pair of warm brown eyes smile in recognition.

"Permission to break your bones," he said, spreading his arms.

You laughed an "Affirmative" before giving him a hug, feeling how he squeezed you hard, almost lifting you into the air.

You had never been there, but you really wanted to visit your old friend of adventures and tragedies. Soon you were inside a very normal house, watching him walk back from the kitchen, a bottle of cold beer in each hand, pointing to the pale couch in the middle of the room, noticing the light coming in through the windows and the music playing in the background.

It was a little strange for you to see him moving fluidly and wearing a brown shirt and gray pants, shaved. Especially after months of seeing him dressed as a military and walking like a hasty duck.

You heard him sigh deeply, sitting down next to you, while you held your own beer.

"And well?" You asked, curious, “How are you? Getting better? You feel good?"

"What?" He pretended not to hear, to which he laughed as you smacked his leg firmly. “I'm fine, I'm fine. Little by little. I still don't hear as well as before, the doctors doubt that I will fully recover, but 90% is better than nothing. Possibly I will have a chronic headache from now on, and for another month I was forbidden to do any physical effort… The worst is the Post Traumatic Stress…” Kelvin shrugged and looked at you “And you? How did you find my house? Our mission was supposed to be… you know…”

"What mission?" You joked, taking a sip “I feel fine, except that now I'm terrified of flying… And well, you know, I can be a real pain in the butt. And I may have threatened to say things if they didn't give me your address."

"You're going to have them accuse you of Treason and end up in jail..." He shook his head softly "But I'm glad you convinced them" He looked at you out of the corner of his eye, smiling "After so much time together, let's just say that I've missed being ordered around by paper”

"I'm going to give you another concussion" You pushed him playfully, seeing him laugh, "I missed you too, puppy face... Did you get your memory back?"

“Mmmm…” He rubbed the back of his neck, wondering. “I don't remember anything about the week before the accident. I only have fragments of the first month, and I have more and more memories of the following months. The doctors say that I will not recover much more because of how my brain was then"

"Honestly, it's a relief" You sighed, looking at him "What happened to you was horrible, but it was also a horrible few months, it's better that you don't remember much"

“It was complicated, but not at all horrible” His brown eyes fixed on yours “You were there, I never felt alone or hopeless, despite the circumstances. I remember the hundreds of times you ran by with an ax in your hand, ripping off heads like you were possessed, but I also remember how you looked for a way to distract me, to make me feel useful, to cheer me up…”

"Don't start, please" You smiled, somewhat emotional "We already cried whole days, I don't need more..."

"You cried" He bothered you a little, smiling "Crybaby" He pushed you gently with his shoulder.

"Shut up" You laughed "You were the one who told me, crying, that you couldn't sleep in the hospital because you felt so alone"

"I still find it hard to sleep alone," He confessed.

“Mmmm” You sighed “Me too…” You remembered something and looked at him “In the end, I never found out your real name. Tell me to replace your code name, because it's already strange to call you Kelvin, Mr. Alpha Bravo Charlie"

“10.4” He laughed softly “But I've gotten used to being called Kelvin by now. It's going to seem strange to me that you suddenly call me Robert"

"Is your name Robert?" You laughed, denying "You don't have the face of a Robert"

"Affirmative, I'm going to change my name to one that matches my face," He joked, shaking his head, before slapping your knee "Keep calling me Kelvin"

“Kel…” You thought, in your own world inside your head.

"Hey" He gently drew your attention, touching your arm delicately "I know I thanked you a thousand times for keeping me alive, but thanks again"

"You're welcome, again" You smiled.

“Are you going to tell me what you saw in the caves?” He saw you deny “What? Why not? Military secret?

"Why do you want to know that?" You hesitated, taking a long drink of your beer.

"Don't fuck with me... If the times I saw a mutant on the island, I almost shit my pants, and you would happily go with your ax to cut off their heads or whatever the hell they had" Kelvin gestured widely with his bottle "You faced them! Like it was a picnic! And every time you left a cave, you came back beaten, without resources, with skin things hanging from your pockets… I want to know what the hell you saw for you to forbade me to accompany you down there”

“Rob… Kelvin” You put the beer down on the table “There was darker than a moose's butt, you were deaf. What was I supposed to do? Put a noose around your neck and walk among mutants as if you were a dog?

"I don't know…" He sighed, before drinking.

“Besides, if something happened to me in there, I knew that you were at the base, relatively safe…” You thought “Knowing that you were waiting for me back, somehow gave me the impetus to be extra careful, to make sure that I would come back to help you…”

Kelvin looked at you, half sad and half warm inside. You took care of him, even with your absences. The sound of his alarm clock woke him slightly, looking at the time, time for legal drugs. He slowly got up, to walk to a medicine box that was to one side, looking for what he had to take. He took out three different pills which he placed in his mouth and swallowed with a long sip of his beer.

"I'm going to kick your head until you even forget about your mother" You snorted angrily, seeing his surprised look "Idiot, don't mix drugs with alcohol. Are you still half stupid or what?"

"Ah" He chuckled, walking back to the couch "It's non-alcoholic beer, overprotective"

"Oh" You lowered your face from him, somewhat embarrassed, seeing him sit nearby.

You were still talking, when you remembered something else. You lifted the sleeve of your shirt, showing him a recent tattoo on your arm, below your shoulder. It was a skull with an ax stuck in it, very similar to the one you had used in all that time on the island. And next to both, what seemed to be a notepad, and on it, written: Survive.

Kelvin looked at it carefully, holding onto your arm a bit. He recognized that handwriting and even the design of the notepad, since he had read commands and suggestions in it, for months.

“It was going to be just the skull and the axe” You mentioned to him “But I didn't survive alone, on the contrary, I don't think I would have survived without you. So the notepad was in your honor."

Your name sounded tenderly on the lips of a Kelvin who had gotten quite touched and who hastened to give you one of his especially strong hugs.

"Silly..." He whispered, closing his eyes "Absurdly silly and cute... Even though at the time I saw you cutting off the testicles of all the cannibals you killed because you were in a bad mood..."

"Aren't you afraid of being next to me? Who knows, I might do the same to you” You smiled, rubbing his broad back.

"I don't sleep well since you're not by my side" He whispered again, holding you more, squeezing you against his chest "I feel safe with you... Calm... And... Everyone who found out I had some brain damage treats me as if now I had the mind of a two-year-old..." He growled softly, somewhat annoyed "I hate being pitied... I'm not incapacitated, I'm not stupid... But..." Kelvin sighed, rubbing his face gently against yours "You treat me like if nothing had happened... Even though you lived by my side, when I was at my worst... For you it's over, and you treat me as such, as myself... That reassures me so much..."

“Oh, Kelvin…” You hugged him tighter “You, at your worst, hurt and deaf, on a demon island, did more than anyone would have done in the same situation…” You tried to lift his spirits a little “I never saw anyone fish with their hands as well as you, you should dedicate yourself professionally to that”

You heard him laugh softly, still squeezing you, as if he was partially afraid to let you go, although it didn't bother you, he was warm and utterly huggable. You knew it well, since, on many cold nights on that island, it was only possible to sleep because you both stayed embraced, sharing warmth and softness.

“Could you…stay?” He asked, almost as if his voice were a distant instrument of the music that was still being heard over the speaker, not daring to move a muscle, “I don't know… Maybe… Maybe you'll let me take a nap like we used to do then? I miss sleeping… accompanied…”

"Me too" You whispered, with your eyes closed, with his clean perfume entering your lungs.

"And have dinner…? I promise there are no fish to eat, not this time.” The soldier teased sheepishly.

"Sounds like a good plan to me, big guy" You smiled "I have weird dreams about fish"

"I dream... of you" He murmured "I only sleep well... if I dream of you"

You stayed still for a moment. The way he spoke was mixing with the feeling of his hands running down your back, and his face rubbing tenderly against your cheek. You prayed that you weren't misreading the signs, you prayed that it wasn't your own confused brain, that mind that months ago had fallen in love with that soldier, and you moved your face slightly, to find that pair of soft lips that had brushed your jaw like the wings of a butterfly, landing on yours.

You were sure that both of you had kissed at the same time, so you stayed there, still in his arms, tasting that shy mouth that tasted faintly of antibiotics. Kelvin was slow to kiss, but that made him utterly sweet, cuddly, and overly romantic, as if he had the time in the world for that. You weren't in a hurry either, you spent a long time in his mouth, caressing his soft short hair, enjoying it, so that later he just hugged you, burying his face in your neck, taking a deep breath, soaking in your scent.

"I hate that I can't do physical effort for a month..." Kelvin growled, impatient "But you wait... As soon as I have the medical approval, I'm going to show you why I could cut wood for hours..."

Your laughter echoed both in the walls and in his ears.

[keelt9]

Chapter 1

Hide And Run 

Masterlist

“Ghost rider 1, ghost rider 1.” No matter how hard I tried still my hands seemed to hold a fucking popsicle slipping between them, it supposed I know what to do, but with the sounds inside of the plane combine with the bellowed voice of Riley make all my actions a complet mess. 

“Y/N! EJECT.” 

“Miss? Are you alright?” The taxi driver asks me as he moves my arm, I open my eyes and realize we are parking in front of my parents house; 19 months and the same nightmare come from time to time.

“Sorry, I’m ok, thanks…” I opened the door not before paying the 15 dollars from the airport to home. I walk through the little garden which my mom built along all these years. She starts it like some kind of stress reliever. She says every deployment or mission from me or my father it’s a new plant in the garden; in my father's case only he and God knows how many missions he had and for me 17 seems a nice number.

“My little butterfly.” My mom said, hugging me in the main door and dad appeared behind her. 

“Sky.” The short name for <Skyhook> I get that call sign in the navy, when she splits away, she puts her hand on my cheek, and I smile with my lips pressed. 

“It’s nice to have you here.” She says and pulls me inside of the house.

As the rest of the day passed without any uncomfortable talks or strange looks, until we finished the dinner and dad and I were doing the dishes. 

“Maybe it is too soon.” The last month was the hardest since the accident and my dad knows that better than anyone; I left the plate in the cabinet, holding it a little bit more than normal. 

“Someone returns in less than a month.” I stop but I force myself to continue. “It’s just a simple test, dad, let’s be honest, with the background I have, maybe I'll fail.” He grabs me by the shoulders and looks straight to my eyes. 

“Y/N think it a little bit more, ok? Just a couple of weeks more.” I take a deep breath, and nod with my head, honestly that idea has been surrounding my head since the big week was scheduled.

-

3:46 hours and counting, is the time my watch the same I’ve been pushing my legs to the limit, but my mind is working at 100 per hour, tomorrow my first test begins, the navy just gave me a one more week, quote <We need you in the air, not in the ground.> I shake my head and continue running.

I was so immersed in my own thoughts when the F-18 dived off along with a little scream for the kids in the park that made my heart stop and flashbacks straight like gunshots in my mind. 

“Mayday!” My fast breathing, the drops of sweat on my face. “I can’t stabilize…” My hands trying to hold the control, the sounds of the overworking in both engines. 

I cover my ears trying to deafen the sounds and when I get to control myself, my watch marks a high rhythm in my heart, the beep helps me to recover, I blink and I see a little girl coming close to me. “Miss, are you alright?” She doesn’t stop liking her ice cream, making me laugh. 

“Yeah, don’t worry, go somewhere fresh or your ice cream will melt faster.” My voice just murmured. It’s a hot Saturday and the summer has just begun, she nods and runs to sit on a bench covered by a tree.

I stop the timer and walk to my father’s car parking in front the main gate of the park, from time to time I lift my sight to the sky, I remember the first time I was in a plane, not a commercial plane, not a light aircraft, but a navy plane, the freedom I felt and the power I thought I had.

For the first time in almost 2 years, I realized that this week would change all I’ve work for more than 8 years, what terrifies me it’s know, in this moment I don’t even sure if continue it’s the right choice. 

The next morning, I woke up around 5 am; the test begins at 08:00 hours at least I have to be in the base around 07:00, I get ready, and at the moment I get down I see my parents getting ready for breakfast. 

“No, it’s not for you.” Dad says before I even complain, they stand up for my test just like they did when I was 6 years old and it was the first day of school. 

“I have an important meeting; I must be ready.” He didn’t even lift his eyes from the newspaper, my mother shakes her head and offers me a cup of tea. 

“Good morning by the way.” I greeted them, my mother giggled when I subtly pointed out his lack of greeting combined with the awful way of hiding his real intentions.

-

“SKY! Hi!” Jill screams when I enter the building. I have known Jill Green (Panther) since we entered the training at Top Gun, something you must know about Jill, she is a cheerful girl, in all the extension of the word.

“Hi, Jill. How are you?” She ran so she could walk along with me. 

“Missing you, it’s not the same since you’re not here, but I heard you have already scheduled a test, isn't it amazing?” I smile, she always makes me smile. 

“Well, let’s find out.” 

My feet were tapping intensely when the vice admiral Beau Simpson opened the door and made me enter his office. 

“Lieutenant, good to see you, please take a seat.” I obey and sit from time to time I apart my sight from him. 

“Well, it’s time, like we already inform you, 1 month of constantly test on the ground and, of course, in the air, after the month, we evaluate you, if you pass, you’ll be deploy in a blink of an eye, if you’re not, well, we have a big problem.” I gulp, he put his hands over the desk. “Sky, you were born to be in the air, one of a kind, just focus…what happened years ago, you must let it go.” I turn my face. “It’s not easy but you’re a strong girl.” With my lack of answer, he stands and takes me to another room.

“The first proof it’s really treating, a psychological one, following for multiple physical ones, strategic, mechanicals and logical.” He stops at the front door and looks straight into my eyes. “Lieutenant, you have been out for more than a year, some tests will pull out the worst and the best from you, what you need to know is, nothing you’ll be going through it’s impossible and you always prove to us that.”

At the end of the first day, all seems to be go a little bit better than expect, with a good mood I was walking to the parking lot where my mother’s car is waiting; she insist at least I should take it for going to the base, she felt more comfortable if she knew I have to be focus to the road instead of the memories been here could bring me back; my steps froze in just a few meter of distance of the entrance, when I see all Dagger Team enter to the building, I meet some of them years ago, with someone I’m really close, but met them right now make my heart beating fast and be really nervous.

I resolve it with the most childish choice, I hide behind the car waiting for them to enter inside the building. 

Great star Sky, hide and run.

[fairyniceyeah]

Life + Request Update!

Hey guys, girls and theys and everything in between and around 🩷

I wanna give you a quick life update and inform you about my request and writing status as a result of that!

I have my final oral exam at the end of August and I still need to prepare a lot for that. Actually, I haven’t really done anything yet and I also have some other plans in the next weeks (a musical show, a tattoo appointment, friends etc.), so I doubt I will get much writing done even if I felt like it. My September is very full with a youth exchange from my Church for two weeks and Lollapalooza in the middle of it (I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SEVENTEEN!!!), then a week to recover and then visiting a friend in Paris for a week. Maybe KCon Europe … but the line-up isn’t really what I hoped for, so maybe not.

And then, I’m gonna start working in October and I know it will be stressful…

So I have no idea when I actually will get around to writing.

I gotta be honest though – at the moment my motivation is kinda low? Maybe it’s because I know I kinda can actually afford to write atm?

Well, when I first started this blog and opened it up to requests I told myself I would try to get stuff done in the near future and would write stuff even if it wasn’t exactly what I would normally write as a challenge to myself. Guess I kinda lied to myself with that – I have some requests dating back nearly four months and have done some that were less old because I felt more like it. I’m really sorry towards anybody who is still patiently waiting!

I can’t promise I will get around to writing some request that I have sat on so long – there is a reason I didn’t write them and that is because I just didn’t know how or what to write. It’s mostly anything with “high stakes” (collapsing, publicity etc.) whereas I normally rather write domestic sickfics. It’s not your fault, requesters! I just never realized before! I think my lack of motivation also comes from the fact that I feel like I should write the requests and then failing at it…

This is why I decided to open my requests again and work on stuff that actually feels like I want to write and can work on at the moment. I’m going to reveal the requests I receive in my inbox on this page Request list so you have a bit of an idea what may be coming up and for the requesters to know I received them!

It doesn’t mean I will just ignore the old requests … I might just wait for the time I actually have inspiration for them. If anybody has any ideas for the requests, I am happy to receive anything that might help me with them!

Thank you so much for your patience and I am really happy that you all stick close and read what I write! When I first started writing I never thought I would get such a huge reach and so many people actually liking what I do! So again, thank you so much! I appreciate y’all!

Love you all 🩷

🧚🏻‍♀️

[finnglas]

In order to explain my cats' latest obsession, I have to give you some history. Behind a cut, warnings for Cat Illness.

In 2015, both K and I were working a lot and I felt bad that my>our cat, Luna, was being left alone for hours on end. So we decided to get a second cat - thus, Evie joined the family. Now, being that Evie was about 2 years old and Luna was about 5 years old, they didn't really enjoy the Sudden Roommate Situation [SRS]. It took a lot longer than normal for the introductory methods to work. (They still tolerate each other more than anything but they seem to have made their peace, eight years on.)

Anyway, we got Evie in November of 2015 and in January of 2016 I lost my job and Luna also developed an ongoing UTI due to the stress of the SRS. (Between this and the Politics Situation at the time, I was so stressed I skipped my period for almost seven months. I don't think any of us have recovered.) Anyway, so Luna had to go on antibiotics, and the antibiotics gave her diarrhea, so we also put her on probiotics, but the probiotics (I learned later) gave her worse diarrhea, and the stress of constant upset stomach meant that she kept having ongoing UTIs which meant ongoing antibiotics/probiotics, etc., in a vicious cycle. I'm still mad at that vet because they refused to slow down to consider me asking "what if the fact that it's making her sick is contributing to the infection" and kept just assigning more rounds of antibiotics that I couldn't afford. Yeah that credit card JUST got paid off two months ago.

A N Y W A Y. The result of all this is that it tore poor Luna's stomach up to the point that she couldn't eat any kind of dry treat or kibble. Literally, one Greenie treat would instantly give her the shits. This means that both cats have been on wet-food-only for like, seven years. It's expensive, and not great for their teeth, but also Luna wasn't shitting herself constantly so you take what you can get. I occasionally tried samples of kibble that advertised themselves as Sensitive Stomach Formulae over the years but none of them were successful.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, when I was at my parents' for my dad's surgery and Kellie stayed home with the cats. She had to go get some more wet food for them during this time and while at the pet store, she eyed a bag of kibble that said it was for Sensitive Stomachs and had a strong impulse to Try It. So she got a small bag. Texted me about it. I said "You're awfully brave trying that while I'm not home to give her a bath when her back end winds up covered in poop at 2am."

But miracle of all miracles: Luna can tolerate this kibble. We started very very small - less than 1/8 of a cup once a day - and have been working our way up. We are at 1/6 of a cup once a day now, and there has been no stomach upset!

This is great news for multiple reasons, but one of them is that we can now have an automatic feeder which means that we can take short overnight trips without needing a cat-sitter. For long trips, of course, we'd still want someone checking in on them and giving them their supplement of wet food.

We have one such short overnight trip coming up in two weeks, so I took advantage of Black Friday sales on one of my favorite pet brands (their water fountain also came from PetLibro) and ordered them a two-bowl pet feeder. It came in yesterday (love Black Friday being a week long now) and I set it up last night. I tested it at the time by having it dispense 1/12 of a cup of kibble. Worked great! tipped most of it back into the granary and let the kitties have a couple of pieces as a treat.

WELL. They now cannot enter the room without paying tribute to the Fickle God of Kibble, aka Sammy the Automatic Feeder, just in case he has decided to dispense more kibble.

They just had their first scheduled 9am feeding, and both of them ran around like they were losing their minds before diving in mouth-first, so I am deeply amused and will be watching these developments with interest.

[gowns]

THIS IS VITAL. Do not convince yourself that you have "insomnia" or go into bed thinking you're going to have trouble sleeping. Even if you've been professionally diagnosed. Doctors don't care about you the same way you care about yourself, so keep this in mind. You're one of many patients to them so you need to take control of your own health, and sometimes that means completely rejecting their advice and diagnoses. You need to tell yourself that you're simply going through a rough period and sleep might be difficult, but you're fine. I can't stress how important it is to psychologically believe that things are fine and/or will get better. A major component of insomnia for people who suffer from anxiety is the very anxiety around not being able to sleep. The anxiety compounds the issue and it thus becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's one of the many cases in humans where if you believe it's a problem, it WILL be a problem.

You need to find a way to, over time, decouple the association between sleep and whatever negative delusional spin you're putting on it. Do not predict the future with false and irrelevant evidence from the past. A bad night of sleep, or no sleep the day before does not mean it's going to repeat in the future. This is highly ILLOGICAL, but your brain won't care about this, it will force those thoughts on you. Be aware of your own cognitive behaviors and beat them out with clear, logical thinking. Obviously, this will be difficult since emotional states cause us to think delusionally, and insomnia along with the accompanying sleep deprivation will make it worse, but the big takeaway is to realize that you can't really trust your brain at this time because it isn't functioning properly and is under a lot of stress. This process can take time, be patient with yourself, especially if you think nutrition might be a factor. It's vitally important to remember that YOU CAN FALL ASLEEP. EVERY HUMAN HAS THIS ABILITY unless you have extremely rare genetic disorders or severe nutritional deficiencies that can EASILY be corrected.

You need to realize that it's ENTIRELY NORMAL to have problems falling asleep for days, weeks or even months at a time. Your case is likely NOT UNIQUE, and many millions of people over millenia have suffered and successfully recovered from this disturbance. It is scary because it is happening to YOU, but take comfort in the fact that it is also common and treatable. This is not blind hope, or lying to yourself, these are FACTS THAT YOU NEED TO CONSTANTLY REMIND YOURSELF OF because your brain will already be doing a great job of bringing you down with negative thoughts. You must truly believe that you're going to get better and fix the problem, while taking every possible step you can to move the dial in the right direction towards progress.

Take comfort in the fact that many people have sleepless periods like this for various reasons. Stress, nutritional deficiencies, terrible diets, anxiety, grieving, depression, breakups, divorces, etc. It's crucial to remember that all psychological stresses will diminish over time and you will return to normalcy. Your brain is constantly adjusting towards homeostasis, so YOU WILL HEAL IN TIME. YOU MUST KNOW THIS. Don't get obsessive over how long your recovery is taking, or set arbitrary goalposts (e.i. "I should be fine in a week"). Take things one day at a time.

Also be aware that stress depletes magnesium, which is responsible for reining in ruminating thoughts and relaxing you. Again, I urge anyone with insomnia and/or anxiety to do ample research on magnesium. It is absolutely a life safer.

[x]

[theygender]

Been going through it for over a month now and let me tell you. I'm not having a good time

Early-mid July a heat wave knocked out our AC and me, my partner, and the cats were stuck in an apartment with temps in the high 80s for about two days

I got some minor heat sickness and my cat started coughing

Heat sickness kicked off my IBS which dehydrated me and eventually led to migraines which all lasted for over a week after the heat wave ended

Took my cat to the vet (while still dealing with sickness + migraines) and found out she probably has asthma which was set off by the heat. They gave her a steroid shot

Went to the doctor for my own sickness and decided to ask about my severely ingrown toenail at the same time. I'm told I need toe surgery

Got toe surgery the very next day and it turns out recovering from toe surgery sucks

Cat has stopped coughing but is instead having intense sneezing fits now and pawing at her nose constantly, clearly much sicker

Took her back to the vet (while still recovering from toe surgery) and learned that cats just inherently have dormant hepatitis, and stressful situations/other illnesses can cause a flare up which leads to an upper respiratory infection

They prescribe nose drops + medicine treats for me to give to her 3-4 times a day. Surprisingly (/s), she hates the nose drops

File claims for both of those appointments + tests + medicine with my pet insurance

Endometriosis sees me dealing with all this and as a disorder that's made worse with stress it decides to join in on the action. It resurrects my period from the grave that my meds dug for it over two years ago

In case that wasn't bad enough, it also gives me a yeast infection. I go to the doctor and get medicine for it

As soon as the yeast infection symptoms start to go away they're replaced with what seems to be UTI symptoms. UTIs generally devolve very quickly into non-stop vomiting for me. I'm living in fear until I can get a test done

(UPDATE: The tests don't work when you're on your period apparently. Guess I gotta go back to the doctor again before I can get any answers)

I haven't even looked at the bills for my own medical tests or the toe surgery yet and frankly I'm scared to. At least I should be getting some money back from my pet insurance claim

Pet insurance tells me that they won't pay out my claim until I provide proof that the pet insurance policy I had with a previous company over FIVE YEARS AGO was canceled. I don't keep records longer than five years. I don't even remember the name of the company

All of my coworkers got laid off last week so I'm sad and lonely at work now and I have to adjust to a new work environment during all of this and I can't really take much time off anymore

I'm still sick and worried I'll get sicker but I don't know how to ask my new boss "hey what should I do if I hypothetically start projectile vomiting tomorrow" without it sounding suspicious

With all this other stuff going on, my college semester also started back up TODAY

I got a notification from my school that I have over $5000 due bc the company that pays for my tuition as part of my employee benefits just. Didn't pay off my spring semester it seems. So now I gotta figure that out

Somewhere in the middle of this I had some sort of mental breakdown and discovered that my normal-level nervous anxiety has evolved into critical-level constant terror anxiety

Reached out to my mom who had anxiety so bad when my brother and I were growing up that it played a large part in ruining our childhoods. She confirmed that it sounds like what she has

It started when she was just a few years older than me and she still has it at the age of 55. Normal anxiety meds don't work for it. I may have to convince my psychiatrist to prescribe me narcotics now if I ever want to go back to normal again

This has all been so much. Like can I PLEASE just get a fucking break here 😭