#like yes. i am aware how stupid or difficult or pointless that is believe it or not

[coffin-bird]

..

[anarmorofwords]

Hi! You're probably not going to like this ask, but before getting into it I'd just like to say that this isn't meant as Kamala hate or anything, and I don't really want to offend.

Having said that, wouldn't it make sense that we get to see how Kamala treated Anna after she came out? It's in all likelihood one of the things that's weighing on Anna the most.

Obviously Kamala had her valid reasons: her parents aren't as liberal as the Lightwoods, she believes (knows?) their love is conditional as she's adopted, she's not white and not being heterosexual could further any treatment she's suffered from being different... Her reasons have already been listed multiple times by multiple people. Kamala has the right to stay in the closet and fear coming out. And while that shouldn't be villianised, we can't forget that closeted people can harm those around them.

If Kamala had kept treating Anna like a good friend, rumour would've sparked, and even if it was denied, she'd have been harmed by merely associating with Anna. Especially with the life Anna began leading; she could have been labelled as one of Anna's 'conquests' by the Clave. That, as we've established, is detrimental for her safety.

But at the same time, it would create a breach between Anna and Kamala. And Anna had the right to be hurt by it and weary of it when Kamala said she wanted a relationship.

If we look at it from that perspective, Anna's actions (though inexcusable in how they treated Kamala --who was also at fault for not accepting a negative for four months) make sense. Kamala wasn't only a fling of a week*, but also the girl she lost her virginity with, who asked her to be her secret (until she married Charles, after which Anna's affections would be discarded), who hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna suffered from homophobic commentary, and who now wants a relationship hidden from most of the people that know her.

Kamala shouldn't be forced to come out; but the harm that can do to the women she may engage with is reflective of what happens nowadays. I can mostly think of examples with gay men, so my apologies in advance. But how many women have seen their marriages ruined by their husband having affairs with men?

Creating characters that reflect a toxic part of the 'hidden' LGBT community shouldn't be seen as hating or villinifying. Thomas isn't out and he isn't labelled a villain by the narrative --because his actions don't harm anyone. The hate Alastair gets in-universe is because of his past as a bully, not because he's gay. Matthew's not fully out and he isn't villianised --like Thomas, because the decisions he makes to keep his sexuality hidden don't impact anyone negatively.

I'll even go as far as saying that not even the narrative villianises characters like Kamala and Charles. If it were, they'd be seen more like Grace in Chain of Gold. We'd see how Kamala's actions are affecting Anna's in more ways than anger (that in itself put the fandom against Anna), and the characters would note so. We wouldn't see scenes were Cordelia empathised with Charles, nor Matthew said he loved him.

Be it as it may, Kamala and Charles represent ugly parts of being closeted that can naturally occur when someone is in their position. LGBT people are human. Humans, when put into very difficult situations (and Charles risks his career; Kamala her safety), can make decisions that harm those around them. Consequently, the people they're harming have a right to feel, well, harmed in whatever range of ways --this goes mostly for Alastair, and very partly for Anna, whose treatment of Kamala was horrible.

Readers need to understand what is pushing these 'villianised' characters to harm (again, mostly for Alastair) the more prominent characters and go beyond how they are instantly depicted. Because these are complex characters based on complex real people influenced by very ugly realities we will move on from someday, but sadly not yet.

By the way, Charles and Kamala's situations aren't that similar beyond the closeted thing, but I crammed them together because of a post I saw you reblog.

Please understand I'm not justifying Charles's actions; that I understand the pain he's put Alastair through, and know that he shouldn't ever be near Alastair. Nor am I trying to justify Anna's actions nor hate on Kamala.

I'll just finish my pointless rant by adding that I do think cc has sensitivity readers. I think she asked a gay man to go through tec (I don't know if he still revised her other books, though), and know she asked POC's input when writing someone for their culture. I don't know much beyond that, but I doubt who revises her stuff is up to her. Wouldn't that be something the publisher is responsible for (honest question)?

*I've also noticed people using the argument that they didn't know each other long enough for Anna to harbour such ugly emotions towards Kamala, but Kamala also remembered Anna pretty deeply and is 'in love' with her. I just wanted to say that considering cc writes (fantastical) romance where someone can ask a woman they met two months ago marriage, stressing over time spaces doesn't make much sense. Just my take.

hi!!

alright, where do I start? probably would be best with stating that while I can analyse Kamala's situation with what I know/see/read about racism and discrimination and reasonably apply things I've read/heard from PoC to the discussion, as well as try to be as sensitive about it as possible, I'm still a white woman, so not a person that's best qualified to talk about this.

that being said - if someone wants to add something to this conversation, you're obviously more than welcome to, and if there's something in my answer that you don't agree with or find in some way insensitive or offensive - please don't hesitate to call me out on that.

back to your points though: (this turned into a whole ass essay, so under the cut)

I don't think Anna shouldn't be able to reminiscent on Kamala's behaviour/reaction to her coming out, or be hurt by it. what bothers me is the way CC talks about it - I can't remember the exact phrasing, but the post where she mentioned this suggested something along the lines of "you'll see how Kamala sided with the Clave and didn't defend Anna after her coming out", therefore putting the blame on Kamala and completely disregarding the fact that Kamala wasn't in position to do much at all. It suggest that their situation was "poor Anna being mistreated by Kamala". therefore I'm afraid Kamanna's main problem/conflict will remain to be portrayed as "Anna having to allow themselves to love again and forgive Kamala", while Anna's shortcomings - and Kamala's vulnerable position - are never discussed. I think it would be possible to acknowledge both Kamala's difficult situation and the possible hurt her behaviour caused Anna without being insensitive towards Kamala's character, but it would take a really skilled - and caring - author to do both of the perspectives justice. CC would have to find a balance between being aware of the racism/prejudice Kamala faced/ writing her with lots of awareness and empathy, and still allowing her to make mistakes and acknowledging them. As it is however, I'm under impression that she's just treating it as a plot device, a relationship drama.

I'd say no one expects characters of color to be written as flawless or never making mistakes, it's mostly the way these mistakes are written and what things these characters are judged/shamed/

And that's - at least in my understanding and opinion - where the problem is. it's that the narrative never even addresses Anna's faults, and portrays Kamala as the one that caused all - or most of - the pain, without ever even acknowledging her problems and background.

White characters in TLH make mistakes and fuck up - because they're human and they're absolutely allowed to - but the thing is, non-white characters aren't afforded that privilege. Anna's behaviour is never questioned - none of it, shaming Kamala for not being able to come out, dismissing her desire to be a mother, or any of the questionable things she did in ChoI. Same with Matthew, James, Thomas. Alastair and Kamala however? they're constantly viewed through their past mistakes, and forced to apologize for them over and over, forced to almost beg for forgiveness. Moreover, those past mistakes are used as a justification of all and any shitty behaviour the other characters exhibit towards them now, which is simply unfair and cruel. They're held to a much higher standard.

So I'd like to say that yes, Kamala was in the wrong to keep nagging Anna after numerous rejections, and she was in the wrong to not inform Anna about Charles prior to them having sex - but that doesn't give Anna a free pass to constantly mistreat Kamala. And let's be real, Anna isn't stupid - while at 17 she could be naive and uninformed, I can't imagine how after years of hanging out with the Downworlders and numerous affairs and being out and judged by the Clave she's still so ignorant about Kamala's situation. I definitely think she's allowed to be hurt, but to still not understand why Kamala did what she did? Anna isn't blaming her for not telling her about Charles earlier - which would be fair - but instead for refusing to engage in an outright romance with her. She's being ignorant - and consciously so, I think.

Overall, I think you're definitely right about how coming out - or staying closeted - can be messy and hurt people in the process, especially in unaccepting environments/time periods, and I've seen enough discourse online to know there will never be a verdict/stance on this that will satisfy everyone. I, for one, would really like to refrain from putting all the blame on a single person - but, at least the way I see it, CC is pointing fingers. maybe not directly, but she is. Kamala, Alastair and Charles have no friends or support systems, and the only people in the narrative that defend them are themselves (ok, Cordelia does defend Alastair from Charles, but not from shitty takes about him and his "sins"). Also, sorry, but I don't like how you say "hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna experienced homophobic comments" - it sounds very much judgemental. Kamala had every right to do that? The fact that she slept with Anna doesn't means she owed her something, and certainly not coming out and most probably destroying her life, or even defending her at the - again - expense of her own reputation, or more possibly safety.

As for Charles - it's a different issue here, at least imo - I fear that it'll be implied that his refusing to come out will is his main "sin", and therefore not something he can be judged for, which ironically, will be villainizing, but mostly will mean his actual sins are dismissed. This is where the scene with Cordelia feeling a pang of sympathy for him comes into play, and it worries me. I've never hated Charles for not wanting to come out, but rather for, let's see - grooming Alastair, disregarding Alastair's needs and feelings, disrespecting his mother, being a sexist prick, being low-key far-right coded "make Shadowhunters great again" etc.

As for sensitivity readers - I'm no expert, so I don't think my input is worth much. From what I've gathered from multiple threads/discussions on twitter, tho it is probably consulted/approved by the publisher, many authors push for that - and authors less famous and "powerful" than her. I'm not a hater, but seeing fandoms' opinions on much of her rep, I think she could do better. Because if she does have sensitivity readers, then they don't seem to be doing a great job - maybe they're friends who don't wanna hurt her feelings? Or maybe she thinks a gay guy's feedback will be enough for any queer content - which, judging by the opinions I've seen from the fans, doesn't seem to be true.

Again, these are mostly my thoughts and I'm more than open to reading other opinions, because *sigh* I really don't know how to handle this.

Bottom line - I really really don't want to be hating on the characters in general, playing God in regards to judging the struggles of minorities, or even criticising the characters too harshly for being human, flawed etc. What my main issue is is how CC handles those complex and heavy topics.

I hope I make sense and this answer satisfies you somehow - I also hope someone better equipped to answer might wanna join this conversation.

* I desperately need a reread of TLH before I engage in any more conversations like this, but I didn't wanna leave you hanging. So yeah, I might be remembering things wrong. Again, let me know, I'm very much open to being corrected as well as to further discussion.

* I use she/her pronouns for Anna because that's what she uses in canon

[gazingupatthemoon]

What Is Infinite (2/?)

Found here at ff.net or A03 

Summary: It was meant to be just the two of them. But immorality comes with it's own surprises, and Aleksander must bow to the whims of his stubborn wife. Even if it means becoming a father.(Aleksander and Alina, after years and years, are the rulers of Ravka and have a son and daughter. Angst is sure to follow)

Rating: M

Notes: Because I am weak for stories of Alina getting pregnant and bolting afraid of Aleksander's response. But eventually she comes back, and everyone has to deal with being a big immortal and sometimes happy family.

*~*~~*~*~*~*

Mila twirls a lock of black her idly between her fingers, finding it more fascinating at the moment than the droning of her teacher.

Her brother, to be more specific.

Of course she loves Adrik, but she really does not love history lessons. She finds learning to use her powers much more engaging, as well as exercising her body and fighting skills. Maybe if Adirk focused more on Grisha history and not so much everything else, he’d hold her interest more. Papa had smiled at this particular complaint, showing in that non-verbal way of his he agreed, but then pointed out she was the Princess of Ravka, it was important for her to be educated as much as possible.  

“Remember,” Adrik suddenly says a bit more loudly. Mila blinks her way back into the classroom, and sees that he is giving her that look. “Your paper is due next week. Please continue to work on it and not leave it to the last moment. Class dismissed.”

Everyone begins to leave, but Mila stays put, knowing Adrik was not dismissing her. She waves at her friends who hover at the doorway, and then with a sigh begins to gather her own books.

“Mila-”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get a good sleep last night. That’s why I wasn’t focusing.” The lie comes easily, and without any prior preparation in her head.

Adrik crosses his arms over his chest. “You’re very good at lying, mladshaya sestra, but it’s pointless when it comes to our family.”

A very unfortunate truth. The Morozovas could charm the whole country into believing any falsehood, but when it came to each other it was blunt honesty or nothing. Mila huffs. “So, what? Am I in trouble?”

Adrik’s eyes narrow. “Maybe if this was the first time but you’re always giving the bare minimum amount of effort in this class. You don’t do the assignments, you openly mock the class in general.”

“It’s just boring history-”

“It’s important,” He interrupts. “If you ever want to rule on day you have to know our world’s story and learn from it. To not repeat mistakes of the past.”

A humorless laugh bursts from Mila’s lips. “That’s funny. You know I’m never going to sit on that throne.”

Adrik resists the urge to pinch his nose. At fourteen, Mila is the pure definition of a bratty teenager. Being a princess just adds to that attitude. She always did as she wished, and didn’t care who it offended. Even with their parents she was beginning to toe the line a bit too much. But with him, she had forgone all sense of discretion. They were at odds with each other way too much, not even over her studies. It could be about decorum at public events, the way she talked down to other people, or how she too liberally used her Summoning.

(Adrik is always aware of her Summoning. Always).

Even now he could see a faint shine on his sister’s fingers.

“Calm down,” He says with a tone that nearly mirrors their father. He looks pointedly at her hands.

But Mila is not to be perturbed. If anything, her hands grow even brighter at the command.

She may be a prodigy when it came to her Summoning, but Mila was still a child. And Adirk has both years and experience on her. His fingers do the quickest twitch before shadows swallow her hands and extinguish the light there with a meaningful show of force. He pushes down on them, to the point where Mila’s body even lurches forward.

“Adrik!” She gasps, both in surprise and indignation.

But he doesn’t show her any repentance. “Do not threaten me in that way. Ever.” Adirk isn’t like this. He knows he’s not. This cold, authoritative figure is his father, not him. But Mila isn’t giving him any choice. Part of him blames their parents. He’s seen them use their Summoning on each other an inappropriate amount of times, so something in Mila’s head must had deemed it acceptable to do herself. But Alina and Aleksander have a history that Mila isn’t exactly privy to yet, and a relationship that is a far cry from “healthy”.

Adrik wasn’t sure how to make her understand that yet, though.

Feeling his own anger begin to rise, Adrik turns his back to the fuming girl and takes in a shuddering breath. “Go on to your next class. We can talk about this later.”

What left there was to talk about, he isn’t sure. Mila was either going to try or she wasn’t. And he was sure this little battle of power between them would make her all the more difficult.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Aleksander flicks through papers on the latest yields in the eastern fields when Alina enters their chambers.

Her face is tight, and her eyes looking at him in a way that already has a headache forming in under his temples.

“Yes, love?” He inquires, pausing his reading. She’d only get all the more angry if he gave her half of his attention.

“Your daughter,” Alina unhelpfully supplies.

His daughter, of course, whenever Mila did something troublesome. Which she seems to be doing at increasingly alarming rate now a days. Aleksander has to admit, he is finding himself at a loss of how to handle her. He’s never raised a child before, never expected to, so it’s a skill he never bothered giving any care to. Even the Grisha children in the Little Palace received minimal interaction with him, just the very in frequent visit during lessons or a Grisha empowered speech now and then. Any unruliness was dealt with by their instructors.

Aleksander could command soldiers, but his daughter was something else entirely.

“Alina, we’ve talked about this. I can’t keep her on a leash every day to keep her out of trouble.”

“It’s because you’re so hands off that she’s acting like this,” Alina argues. “She knows she can get away this nonsense.”

“Admitting you have no control over her, then?” Aleksander shoots back, knowing the comment to be wholly unhelpful.

Alina seethes but dutifully chooses to not go down that route with him. “She skipped her classes today to go into town with her friends.”

Aleksander pauses at that. Of course, Mila shouldn’t be skipping lessons, but to do that and make it worse by risking her safety in town? That was another level of idiotic and unacceptable.

And he most certainly has a headache now.

“I’ll talk to her.”

“It has to be more than that.”

“Then what do you suggest, Alina? Should we reconsider the leash idea? If you recall your first days here, I wasn’t too adept at keeping you under my thumb either.”

The admission just embroils the conversation. “Yes, how is it that you manipulating and lying to me didn’t work? Such a mystery after all these years.”

Aleksander flings the papers in his hand onto the table and falls back in his seat. “If you’re just here to argue with me, could we schedule it for another time where I can properly give you my attention?”

“I’m here to discuss our daughter who is going down a very reckless path.”

“She’s a child, a teenager, they all act out.”

“She is a Princess of Ravka and our daughter. She is not just any child.”

Alina has a point there, and Aleksander’s silence only verifies it.

“Adrik is concerned as well,” Alina continues, her voice going lower with the weight of the conversation. “He says things have grown tense between them.”

“Because Adrik is weary of her and she senses it,” Aleksander states. “You don’t do too well of hiding it from time to time, either.”  

Alina balks at that. “I’m not weary of her…I’m concerned.”

“I’m sure there is little difference between the two in her eyes. Ever since that day, you’ve all treated her as if she could explode at any moment.”

“Your daughter did the Cut at five years old, Aleksander. She doesn’t even remember doing it. She doesn’t remember beheading someone.”

“Something you should be thankful for, then. Better she forgets then have to relive it in her mind for the years to come.”

She throws up her hands in exasperation. “This is never going to get easier if we’re not on the same page.”

“Perhaps you need to be more compromising,” Aleksander suggests with a shrug. “You got greedy raising Adrik all on your own, and now you have to deal with my say when it comes to Mila.”

“And what is your say, moi tsar? A talk every time she steps out of line? That’s your show of great parenting?”

Alina doesn’t wait for a response. She turns and stomps out of the room, her white hair the last thing he sees before the door slams shut. And Aleskander always thought Alina would be the only one that could ever be a true thorn in his side.

He had never hated his immortality so often since becoming a father.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The dinner table is understandably very quiet that night.

The royal family silently stews in their own frustrations, and let nothing but the scrapes of their utensil fill the void.

Adrik heard what Mila had done today, though it hadn’t been him to inform the Queen of her daughter’s disappearance. Adrik tried to never include his parents when it came to squabbles between he and his sister, but this situation had been unavoidable. Even if no one approached Alina with Mila’s offense, Adrik would have.

Now all there is to wait for is her punishment. By the looks on both their parents’ faces, Adrik knew it was going to be bad. But hopefully it would finally knock some sense into Mila, and stop her from continuing this stupidity.  

“The trip is Os Kervo is set for next Thursday,” Aleskander announces as their plates begin to thin with food. “Construction on their new port finally ended and they’d be honored by the presence of the royal family to give their blessing to it. It’s been sometime since we have been there as well, they are due to be reminded what their rules look like.”

Alina dabs a napkin at the corner of her mouth. “We all will be going?”

“No,” Aleksander answer promptly. “Just Adrik and I.”

The first strike then.

Adrik glances at Mila to see the fork has paused midway to her mouth. Out of the whole family, Mila loves Os Kervo. She enjoys the sea, the ships, the bustling market, and the generally more pleasant weather it has compared to East Ravka. Whenever a trip was made there, Mila was always brought along. Always.

She lowers her fork slowly, then chances a look at her father.

The Darkling is already staring at her, waiting for some kind of response.

“Is that my punishment, then?” She asks after a beat. Her tone is low, but not as contrite as it should be.

“Punishment for what, moya doch?”

It seems Aleksander is in a mood tonight. He is going to make this difficult for Mila, and not just by simply taking a trip from her. Adrik glances to his mother but she sits there as stone cold as her husband.

Mila hesitates. “I’m sure you know what I did-”

“I asked you a question,” Aleksander interrupts.

Mila’s mouth snaps shut. She breathes in and out of her nose, willing herself to be calm. She could argue with Adrik all she wanted, even her mother to a certain degree, but she knew better then to test her father’s fury. “I didn’t go to my lessons.”

Aleksander continues to stare at her.

“And…I went to town.”

“And was this a smart decision for you to make?”

Saints, she hates when he talks down to her like this. She was young, but not a child, and obviously, she knew what she had done had been wrong. But what choice did she have? How would it have looked to her friends had she told them no, she couldn’t go because it would upset her parents. Obviously, it would upset anyone’s parents, she shouldn’t act special. There were enough jokes at Mila’s expense of being the Princess and gracious allowances she’s given.

Mila should just help this end as soon as possible and yet, as everyone starred at her, she felt the need to defend herself. “It was perfectly safe. We’re all Grisha. And…I’ve never gone to town with my friends! Whenever I leave this place its only with one of you. How do you think that looks?”

“If you think I’m interested in the opinion of your friends, you are sorely mistaken,” Aleksander warns. “There are rules for a reason, Mila. You’re not just any Grisha. You are the Princess and a Sun Summoner. There are bounties on your heard in every single country.”

“I don’t want to be treated differently-”

“But you are different,” Alina choose this moment to interject, her voice a shade lighter than her husband’s. Adrik knows why, though. After learning the truth of who he was, Alina had told him everything of her past. Of how alone and different she felt most her life, both as an orphan and then as the lone Sun Summoner.  In this way, she offers her daughter some sympathy. But only in this way. “I understand your need to fit in, Mila, and in some instances, you will, but in others you will not. You cannot.”

The scrap of kindness falls on Mila’s deaf ears. “I should be able to make those decisions myself, not you all.”

“Perhaps if you didn’t act like a spoiled brat, we would consider that.”

Even Adrik flinches at Alesksander’s jab. He so infrequently scolds his daughter that when the occasion does arise, it’s uncomfortable to witness.

It hurts Mila deeper than she cares to admit hearing her father call her that. The rational thing to do would be to should shut up and apologize, before it got worse, but now not only is she hurt, but embarrassed. “You’d never let me do what I want no matter how I acted!” She exclaims hotly. “You control everyone and everything!”

“Mila,” Alina warns.

“You know he does! He even controls you! And you-you let him get away with it!”

Adrik notices the shadows of the room begin to blacken and crawl towards the ceiling. Even the floor begins to grow into a black pool. “That’s enough, Mila,” He hisses, and goes to reach for her hand now trembling with paleness as it grips the edge of the table.

But she’s too far gone now to be reined in. “I can take care of myself,” She continues. “Someone did grab me in town, you know! Right in the marketplace and tried to drag me into some alley. And I took care of it. I protected myself. I am capable-”

The room explodes with shadows. So many, so quickly, that it’s like a tornado that flings everything off the table and onto the floor. Glass shatters, food and liquid audibly splatter, and even the chairs squeak with movement. Adrik instinctively calls upon his own Summoning to ground himself down, and almost reaches out to do the same for Mila when a force stronger than his own blocks him.

Just as quickly as it begins, it ends. The storm of darkness recedes into nothingness, leaving in it’s a wake a destroyed dining room and a family cursed with too much power.

Mila looks irrevocably stricken, clinging to the arms of her chair with her eyes squeezed shut. Adrik isn’t sure what he looks like, surprised, maybe, that his father went so far but also a part of him knowing that of course Aleksander is capable of this. This and much, much worse.

Alina looks sadly at her daughter’s trembling form. She feels the heat of Aleksander’s rage next to her, knows that display of power he just showed may have been on the side of unnecessary, but she had wanted him to do more. She supposes at this point in life she should know Aleksander would appease her but only in his way.

But that right now is not important.

“What do you mean you handled it?” Alina asks very quietly.

Mila is still trembling but opens her eyes. Grey, like her father, but Alina has never seen such fear there. “W-What?”

“You heard your mother,” Aleksander snarls.

Mila flinches into her seat. “I-I Summoned and made him let me go.”

“How did you Summon?”

Mila looks between her parents, and then to Adrik as if he somehow could save her from the awful mess she has created. But now there is fear on his face as well. Not of what just happened. But of her.

But she can’t see the horrid memories replaying in his head. Of another time when a man grabbed Mila. Of when instinct, not rational, kicked in, and awful mistakes were made. Adrik failed his sister then, and he can’t help but feel he’s done the same now.  

“I used the Cut.”

Again, there’s Dimitri’s body falling to the floor.

Again, there the unexpected show of light.

The suspended moment in time when it slid across the man’s neck, as smooth as water.

Alina wants to be as broken as Adirk in this moment, but she can’t. She has to be a mother now. She has to handle this. “Did you kill him, Mila?”

The younger girl looks confused at the question. Of what exactly, Alina is not sure. When she doesn’t answer right away, she practically feels Aleksander about to unleash another verbal lashing. “Mila, did you kill him?” Alina prompts again before he gets the chance to.  

“I…I don’t know. I did it and ran.”

And yet again, Mila comes out the situation with little recognition of what’s she done.

Adrik wonders if a dead body will turn up soon from the streets of their kingdom.

Alina closes her eyes, as if that would make this all go away.

“You’re not to leave the castle,” Aleksander begins. No arguments. No explanations. The time has passed for that. “You will take your lessons privately here. You, who have been blessed with so much, to squander it so. You want to be in charge of your life and yet you use your power so carelessly and don’t even know if you killed a man or not. Is that what Ravka will say of their Princess? That she is a fool who murders without thought?”

She doesn’t even know, Adrik thinks miserably. She doesn’t even know she’s already become that.  

“You will embarrass this family no more. If you step out of line one more time, I will ship you to the Winter Palace and leave you there till you learn your place. And do not that as an idle threat. Me not seeing your face for the next fifty years means as little to me as if it was a mere day.”

A tear leaks out of Mila’s eyes at his words. At the truth her father has revealed and struck at her like a slap in the face.

“Now get out.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Adrik fiddles with the pocket watch his father had gifted him for his 21st birthday. The first gift he ever received from the man. It wasn’t new, but instead an antique that had been owned by some old King of Ravka.

(Adrik has been simultaneously pleased and resentful that Aleksander somehow knew he’d prefer this piece of history than a fancy new one).

The carriage jolts as it passes over a bump, making Adrik start. He looks across him to see Aleksander starring at the window, hands folded neatly on his lap.

They’ve been riding for a couple hours now, heading to Os Kervo.

It’s been a week since that disaster of a dinner. A week of Mila being a ghost, only appearing for dinners which her mother would not relent on her being absent for. But she only spoke when asked a question, and kept her eyes on her plate or lap. Adrik had seen her more, as per her private lessons, and her mother had attempted some one-on-one conversations.

Aleksander hadn’t sought her out once.

“How is Mila doing?” He asks, as if sensing where his mind has wandered to.

“Fine,” Adrik answers honestly. It’s the only word to describe her really. Despite her silence, Mila hasn’t shown any concerning behavior. She’s paying attention to her lessons, which is an improvement, and hasn’t unleashed any of her usual attitude.

“Did you believe I was harsh on her?”

Adrik is surprised by the question. Their relationship has certainly improved over the years, but there were still some lines drawn in the sand between them. One being that his father never usually asked him his opinion on decisions he’s made. The Darkling was not one to be questioned, let alone invite criticism. No, if this ever happened, it was surely a test of some sort. This might very well be one, for all Adrik knew.

“I think something had to be done,” He answers carefully, wondering was going on in the King’s head. His gaze still remained pointed out the window.  

“And what I did?”

Adrik has went over the dinner many times in his head this past week. What went wrong, where it could have been stopped. How out of control everything became with those choice words. It wasn’t so much the punishment Adrik disagreed with. Confined to the castle was the least that could have been done considering what Mila is guilty of. What he had only ever questioned was how it happened that night, the words and actions taken to come to that conclusion. And the way Aleksander had broken a part of Mila’s heart with his other very real threat.  

He wonders if Alina said something to prompt this. He wonders if he should even continue it. But then he remembers his sister’s face, can’t help but feel-know-that Mila is not an evil being. She’s just a young girl, confused over who she is and her place in this world. “You forget we are not as old as you and Mama,” Adrik begins calmly. No need for Aleksander to misunderstand him when they were going on a trip alone together for the foreseeable future. “That we’re still….more human, than immortal. Mila deserved to be punished but for you to tell her not seeing her for fifty years means little to nothing to you and that you would actually send her away for that time, it was cruel.”

Aleksander processes this with silence. Then he angles his head towards his son, considering him.

“You grew up not knowing what you are. She did. She can’t be afforded the time or patience you were.”

“He’s usually always insufferably right,” Alina had told him once of his father. “But where he lacks is the humanity that tells him even though something is true, doesn’t not mean it is good.”

Adrik is a grown man now, not the child that had been both afraid and hateful of the man who gave him life. A part of him hesitates to be honest with him, old habits and all, but if Aleksander wanted his opinion then he would give it. “She is a fourteen-year-old girl whose father told her his love for her is conditional. There are other ways to teach her of immortality.”

Aleksander again grows quiet.

“And…” Adrik licks at his lips. “She grew up with your love, I did not. You hurt her in a way you couldn’t do to me. I was prepared for your coldness, she wasn’t.”

A shadow flickers in an on the floor between them. A shadow of a passing tree? A Summoned one?

“You believe my love for her is conditional?”

Adrik flexes his fingers. He really doesn’t want to engage in this line of questioning. He did not want to guess his father’s feelings, on whether they existed or were genuine. He didn’t want to examine his and Mila’s relationship when his own was so pitiful in comparison. Adrik believed for so long he didn’t need his father’s affection. But not that he’s had a taste for it, that unfair resentment the never seemed to shake towards Mila’s dug a little deeper.  

Feeling again like the lonely teenage boy brought to the palace as a prince who did not have the king’s love, he answers noncommittally. “I don’t know. You certainly care for her.”    

“It is hard, at my age, to truly love things. Knowing they will not last.”

“But she will,” Adrik points out.

“Perhaps I have to grow used to her, the way I did you.”

That shocks Adrik into silence. It’s not exactly a “I love you” but its damn well close in his opinion. Who knew if Aleksander would ever gift him with anything fonder. “And are you? Used to me?” He can’t help but ask. He needs to be sure. He would not get begrudgingly pleased over a game.

Though he doesn’t smile, Aleksander looks amused at the question. “As a horse is to a fly.”

Oh, well…

Was that a joke?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“He hates me,” Mila whispers into her pillow.

Alina hears her all the same and smooths her hair down her back. “He doesn’t.”

“You hate me,” She continues to mumble.

“I don’t.”

Mila lifts her head up a fraction, if only to look at her mother as if she had three heads. “How can you say that with what happened?”

“Mila, you made mistakes, some larger than others, and lashed out as us. It was not going to be a pleasant conversation no matter what happened.”

“He said he’d send me away.”

“I would never let him.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact he would do it if he could.”

Alina blew out a puff of exasperated air. Mila dropped her head back into the pillow, the child she truly was simmering to the surface. Alina tried to recall the time she had been her age. If she had ever been so…lost. But her past is now only made of landmark events in her life, with the little things in between lost to eternity. There was Mal, then the Light, and then Aleksander. So much Aleksander. She had been 17 when she first met him, three years older the Mila now. How mature she had thought she had been. How foolish.

“Your father is going to be the most difficult man you’ll ever meet in your life. He is far from perfect, none of us are. He does not react the way he should sometimes. I should know. He and on were not on the same page as we are now.”

Mila slightly shifts her head, and peeks up at her mother under a curtain of hair. “What do you mean?”  

“He hurt me too,” Alina beings carefully. Very carefully. It was her decision to not tell Mila of she and Aleksander’s past till she was older and mature enough to try and understand all the complicated and dark parts of it. Alina only felt more confident in the decision considering Mila’s volatile nature as of late. Aleskadner didn’t seem to mind, not caring if Alina chose to even reveal it at all. “When I was younger, close to your age in fact, he hurt me very deeply, Mila.”

“But…” Mila presses up on her elbows, looking very confused. “Papa loves you more than anything.”

“He does,” Alina agrees, and reaches forward to swipe the hair from her face. “But he didn’t in the beginning. He didn’t for quite some time, actually. And I the same.”

Sometimes she still wonders. Sometimes.

Mila shakes her head. “I don’t understand.”

“I promise, darling, I will tell you the whole story one day. But for now, just know, he may be old but that doesn’t make him always right. Immortality is a very hard burden to bear, especially when you’ve been alone for as long as your father has. It makes him forget how to treat others. Even those he loves.”

Alina can’t help but hope it is enough. What more can she say without explaining the rest of it? It would do no one any good, least of all Mila, to reveal Aleksander’s villainous past now. If anything, it might make this newly formed chasm between she and him worse.

“Mila,” Alina opts to change the course of the conversation before she can dwell on it any further. “What you did to that man, it can’t happen again.”

Her grey eyes blink widely at the switch of topic. “I-he was going to hurt me, Mama.”

“And you must of course defend yourself. But the Cut must be a last resort. It is a technique that’s too powerful, and only meant to kill. That is why our family are the only ones able to do it. There are other ways to protect yourself. Others ways to not kill.”

Mila slowly lowers herself back onto her stomach, but at least does not hide her face this time. “I didn’t mean to…kill him. I just-I got scared. I only ran because I was so afraid, Mama. I didn’t even go back to my friends. I came right back here. I promise.”

Oh, how differently the conversation could have gone the other day had Mila not been so full of pride and hurt. And how much of a relief it is to hear Mila’s pained confession. She’d been consumed all week with dark thoughts that Mila was becoming callous with her skills and drunk off the power of her immortality and Sun Summoning. That she was a child given gifts no child should know how to deal with at that age. But no, thank the Saints, Mila was just that. A child who got scared and made a mistake. And all those years ago with Dimitiri, it must have been a mistake. She had been too young, too innocent. She had been hurt and afraid then as well, and saw her brother attacked to top it off.

Mila is being ruled by her emotions and that, Alina can work with.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In truth, Aleksander didn’t quite like traveling far from home for such ridiculous frivolities as blessing a new port. Pompous, in his opinion. Unnecessary.

But people, bored with their short lives, needed such reprieves. To celebrate innate things as to fill their days with some reason to be happy. To drink, and dance, and enjoy what time they had left.

And the people do need to be reminded who is their ruler every now and then.

Another truth, Aleksander needed the space frim his wife and daughter. How odd, in this whole annoyingly unnecessary mess, Adrik would be his confidant. He’d been the only one not to resent him for his behavior at dinner or feel the need to give him the cold shoulder. Alina had wanted him to act, so he did. It was not his fault if she didn’t like how he did it.

Though Adrik had been honest that day in the carriage, he didn’t use his words like weapons. Not like he or Alina would. No, he had been patient and simply wanted Aleksander to just hear what he had to say. No ulterior motives or desire to harm. It was charming, in a way. He is an adult, technically, but still a child in Aleksander’s eyes. A child who still has delusions of being honest and good.

Despite all that, what Adrik said did hold some weight. Mila didn’t understand yet the burden of who they were yet, and Aleksander…well, perhaps he didn’t know how to properly handle her. The whole mess was reminding him all too much of his past with Alina. How much he failed at trying to connect with her and make her see what their power and immorality meant. Like mother, like daughter indeed.

As the carriage made its way into the courtyard of the Grand Palace, Aleksander twirled around the gift in his hand. A wooden box, thin and long with a necklace of sea glass and pearls inside. It wasn’t a gift, as punished children should not receive gifts, but an olive branch. Not a frivolous purchase but an acquisition that had purpose behind it.

It took years for he and Alina to finally come to peace with each other. He wasn’t in the mindset to allow the same to happen between he and Mila.

Adrik hid a smile as he eyed the gift one last time before hopping out of the carriage. He extended many olive branches with his son this trip as well. Let him closer than Aleksander had originally planned, and gave him kernels of “fatherly” attention much more liberally than either of them were used to.

Perhaps he was feeling lonely without Alina. More disturbed than he’d admit over Mila. Maybe more accepting of the fact Adrik was his son every passing day.

Maybe he was just bored. Who truly knows.  

Alina is pulling away from a hug with Adirk when he sees her. White hair long and braided, face still holding onto the youth and beauty well past her true age. She takes his breath away every time he sees her. Every damn time. It’s been almost two weeks, and their goodbye had been less than pleasant. But she turns to him without any ire in her gaze now, and actually smiles.

“My Queen,” He greets, stopping before her.

“My King,” She dutifully replies. They stare at each other, devouring the other’s images with roaming eyes.

Adrik scoffs at the not so subtle standoff, and makes his way into the castle.

Alina dips her head to his hands. “A present for me?”

“Sorry, love, no. But if you are in the mood for one, I’m sure I could find something for you in my luggage. I believe it’s being brought up to our rooms as we speak.”

“Hm,” Alina takes a calculated step forward, brushing a hand against the lapels of his kefta. “Perhaps I could be swayed to go and retrieve it with you. But should I be jealous?”

“Not at all,” he grins, dipping his head down. “But I believe I should take care of this first. Then I shall shower you with gifts all night.”

A smile breaks across her face and she kills the last bit of distance between them with a deep kiss. Aleksander groans against the plunge of Alina’s tongue, and resists slamming her against the side of the carriage and taking her right then and there.

He is very happy two weeks seems to be the time to quell his wife’s anger.

Alina is pulling away all too quickly, and takes swift step backwards as Aleksander reaches to pull her back. “Go attend to your business, my King. I’ll be waiting.”

“Perhaps you’ll actually be there when I come back this time.” A very old, and very bad joke.

Alina rolls her eyes and turns toward the doors. She pauses one last moment, though, and looks at him over her shoulder. “I know what it feels like to have to have a heart broken by you, Aleksander. Please take care with her.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Aleksander give two quick raps to the door of Mila’s quarters.

He knows she will answer, not because she wants to but because duty demands it. He is her father and King, and no doors will ever remain shut to him.

But no, he had to banish such grandiose thoughts right now. He simply needed to be a father, intent on mending a break between he and his daughter. Simple enough.

The door creaked open and Mila peeked her head out, looking as if she had just woken up. Her eyes widen slightly seeing him, and she fumbles to open the door all the way while simultaneously straightening her back.

“I-uh, good morning,” She breathes, patting down her hair and drawing her robe tighter to herself. Perhaps not just waking up then, but getting ready for a bath. “I mean, welcome back.”

Aleksander nods his head in return. “May I come in?”

The request visibly rattles her, as her eyes widen and her teeth bite into her lower lip. She nods jerkily, regardless, and backs into her room. It’s immaculately kept, as usual, as opposed to her brother’s much messier quarters. It’s the reminiscent of the room Alina had first occupied in the Little Palace. Sophisticated furniture fit for a Queen and décor bathed in bright and soft colors. Her pale pink curtains are swaying softly in with the morning breeze, every window wide open to let in the sun.

Mila is attempting to be calm and collected, but her fingers keep fiddling with her robe’s belt and her body bouncing on the heels of her feet. Nervous compulsions that had plagued her when she had been younger. Not at fourteen. Not in front of her father.

And here she was.

Aleksander is leisurely walking around her room, as if he hadn’t been in it for some time. She supposes he hasn’t, even before he had stopped talking to her. During that whole…mess, she had become very private with her space and belongings, and more often than not locked her door then let it hang open.

When he stops to examine the belongings on her vanity, Mila can bear the silence no more. “Was it a good trip?” The question, riddled by her nerves, comes out as a squeak.

Aleksander absently picks up a hair brush. “It served its purpose.”

“Oh,” She doesn’t like this side of her father. Had seen it enough times aimed at member of court, a soldier, even the rare occasion of someone in her family (those interactions always ended bad). When he makes you feel so small, so off kilter, as he saunters around without a care in the world. Like he doesn’t care about you.

The thought makes Mila more sad than nervous now, and the conversation she had with her mother a couple days ago comes back to her. Alina assured her that Aleksander still loved her, that the fault with his emotions lied with him, not her, but it was still hard to believe. As a fourteen-year-old, she shouldn’t have to be the one that sort that out.

She didn’t want to. She just wanted her father to show her he loved her.

“Your lessons?” Aleksander turns toward her, and eyebrows raised.

Mila holds back a frown and even worse, a couple tears, and she looks over his shoulder to a picture of painted flowers, a rose bush with tangled vines crawling up a tree. “Going well. Attending them all and keeping up with my grades.”

He nods his head. “Good to hear.”

Mila keeps starring at the flowers, feeling her cheeks grow hotter and hotter. Oh Saints, she is going to cry. She is. She can’t stand this treatment anymore. Not this cruel casualness. The still ugly truth that he loved her so little that he would send her away.

Why was he here? What did he want? To further rub salt in the wound? She had purposefully not gone to greet him and Adirk upon their return because she figured Aleksander wouldn’t want to see her. He made that plainly clear the week before he left. Why was he torturing her so?

“Oh, moya solnishka,” Fingers tenderly swipe over her cheeks, now sticky with wetness. Mila bleaks blurrily against the tears to look up into her father’s suddenly very close face. His grey eyes are not cold, but soft, simmering with the affection he had always shown her. “No need to cry.”

“I’m sorry, Papa,” Mila sobs and jerks forward, burying her face in his chest. Keftas aren’t exactly known for their comfort, but it smells like her Papa, and it’s warm, so it’s perfect right now. She rubs against the material till it scratches her skin, but she doesn’t care, because Aleksander’s arms are enveloping her in a hug, and his chin comes to rest comfortably atop her head.

“Shh,” He continues to soothe over and over as she cries and cries. His hand beings to rub circles into her back, and for some reason that brings on a new wave of tears. She was wrong, he does care. Of course, he cares. He had been angry, is all, and so had she. They were going to be fine, they were going to be great, it was-oh! Suddenly, a ball of warmth so strong blossoms in her stomach, and unfurls with such a force it takes Mila’s breath away. She feels the heat coming out of every pour in her body, and pulls away enough to see she’s glowing, light pouring out from her skin and cascading the room in striking brightness.

It would blind any other normal human being, but the Darkling gazes at her without the slightest wince.  

“There she is,” Aleksander murmurs with a smile. The first smile he’s graced her with one in so long.

Mila can’t help but smile back, feeling so…alive.

But then Aleksander pulls back and her light slowly dims till it is nothing but her bare skin again.

He reaches out to reveal a box in his hand, thin and wooden with simple decorations carved on it. “For you, love.”

Had he not just embraced her, or smiled at her, Mila would have assumed the offering was a trick. A test, of some sort, as her father was so often fond of doing. Starring at the box, Mila knows that if this isn’t just an innocent gesture, she was undoubtedly going to fail. Still, she reaches forward and takes it tentatively form her hands, then undoes the metal clasp with a delicate touch.  

Inside is a beautiful necklace, a long, sparkling braided silver chain with pearls and pieces of sea glass interwoven throughout it. It shines at with her every movement and continues to glimmer even as she keeps it completely still. “It’s…beautiful,” Mila whispers, feeling a bit awed by it. She is the Princess of Ravka, she has seen and even worn the most glamorous and beautiful pieces of jewels the world could produce. But this, in her hands, seems the most precious of all. Because it is hers, and no one else’s, not an antique passed down by Queens before. And because her father had given it, had thought of her when he bought it, and delivered it with his own hands.

Another lone tear sneaks down her face.

With his long, elegant fingers, Aleksander plucks the necklace from its cerulean colored cushioning. “As you are, moya doch.” He steps behind her and with a gentle swipe of her hair, begins to clasp it around her neck.  

Mila feels the whispers of that powerful light again, but it recedes when her father again steps away.

“I am sorry, Papa-”

“I know. We’ll talk of it no longer. Continue up with your studies here for the month, and then we can discuss you returning to classes.”

There is nothing to do but beam and nod her head enthusiastically in agreement.

“No more leaving the castle grounds, Mila. No more trouble or this rebellious nature anymore. You will act as you were born to be. Princess of Ravka and the daughter of the Shadow and Sun Summoner.”

Darkling and Sankta. Two equals, yet opposite. Constantly pulling towards each other and inevitable pushing away.

What inkling of normalcy did a product of that bond hope to have?

“Yes, Papa, I promise. I’ll be perfect.” Even as the word passes her lips, Alina’s own voice echo’s in her ears: “He is far from perfect, none of us are.” Perhaps she wasn’t, Mila mused, but she would try to be. She would spend the rest of her immortality trying. “And,” She continues, knowing it would be best to completely clear the air out now between them. “About that man. In the marketplace. I am sorry about it, Papa. Really I am. I was talking to Mama about it and…I know it was wrong. I do. I was afraid and didn’t react right. I will not use the Cut again, ever. I promise.”

Mila’s heart drops when Aleksander’s lip tug downward. But why? How had that been the wrong this to say? It had made her mother happy, it had even made her forgive her! Had she forgotten something? Not said sorry enough times?

“Do not make that promise, Mila,” Aleksander states with the finality of his station. “The Cut is our gift, and we do not hide our power from the world.”

“But…but Mama said-”

“Your mother,” He interjects smoothly, “Has some different ideas on the subject, I am aware. What you need to understand, is that your mother has always had a kind heart, and has always wanted to believe in the good in people. Most importantly, herself. And now, her children.”

Though she is following along, Mila can’t help but feel this conversation is too big for her understanding. That her father is trying to tell her something without actually saying. That it’s going against Alina had said, and is making her afraid.

Aleksander cups the bottom of Mila’s chin and angles it up to face him. “She wants many things, your mother. But remember Mila, the problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. And we are not weak, are we?”

Mila stares uncertainly into her father’s eyes, and answers as she knows she should, “No, we are not.”

“That man put his hands on you,” He continues, his gaze never wavering. “You do not apologize for defending yourself.”

But she had killed him, Mila wants to protest. Or at least, maybe she did. Either way, was that not a good thing? Alina had told her there are others way to protect herself. It didn’t have to be the Cut-

Aleksander tuts her chin. “What you need to learn, love, is patience. Precision. The control of your power and having it bend to you, not the other way around. That, we have all the time in the world to learn.”

Mila nods her head, willing to do anything her father wanted of her.    

[hamliet]

Pain, Fear, Death, and God: Fyodor and Gogol as Two Halves of Kirillov

God is the pain of the fear of death. Whoever conquers pain and fear will himself become God.

-Alexei Kirillov, Demons

So remember how when I first read Bungou Stray Dogs I started screeching incoherently and turned those screeches into a somewhat-coherent meta on how Fyodor in BSD was modeled after Alexei Kirillov from Dostoyesvky’s Demons? 

Well, here’s the follow up.

As I said in my previous meta, Demons is (tied with Crime and Punishment) my favorite novel of all time, and Alexei Kirillov is my very favorite character of all time, in any fictional medium, ever. He’s a walking bundle of paradoxes, existential angst and stunning compassion. But Demons is not necessarily a popular novel by Dostoyevsky standards and so Kirillov, despite being written about by literary critics and Camus, is somewhat obscure. That Asagiri is so clearly inspired by his character is shocking and thrilling for me; I’m pinching myself. 

The tl;dr version of Kirillov is that his whole schtick is that he wants to kill himself to prove that he is free and thereby can escape. It’s far more nuanced and complex, as I’ll go into, but essentially both Gogol and Fyodor’s philosophies and goals reflect this.

Gogol does not want to kill Fyodor because he hates Fyodor; rather, it’s because Gogol and Fyodor are two halves of a whole. They are a paradox together, embodying Kirillov’s complexity. Like Kirillov, they are suicidal, because killing one of them is like killing themselves. To achieve their goals, they both need to die. 

Fyodor reminds Gogol that he is human and can connect; therefore, Gogol wants to kill him to assert his free will, as he views connections as a cage. Similarly, while we haven’t gotten much insight into Fyodor’s thoughts on Gogol, I think it’s highly likely Fyodor allowed Gogol to kill himself (he thought) because he clings to his beliefs at the expense of his (very much there) empathy, and it’s better for his goals if people who provoke his empathy die. Basically: Fyodor allowed Gogol to “die” not because he doesn’t care about him, but because he does. 

For a brief background: Demons itself is an allegory about how people who become consumed by their ideas become possessed by said ideas; thus, they become devils or demons. The actual title of the novel, Бесы, is difficult to translate, hence why it has three different titles in English: The Possessed, The Devils, and Demons. The word “Бесы” in Russian refers to the ones doing the possessing, which is why the latter two are generally considered to be more accurate translations of the title. In particular, the novel demonstrates the tragic consequences of Russian nihilism and singles out moral nihilism. (It’s also looked to as a rather eerie novel, because almost everything it wrote about happening in a--then fictional--political revolution is exactly what happened in Russia a few decades later.) 

As I wrote in my previous meta, Fyodor, like Kirillov, is “consumed” by his ideas, something Kirillov laments in Demons. Fyodor’s consumption with his ideals means that he is willing to sacrifice everything for his goals. Gogol, too, shares this trait. 

Where they differ is in motivations for their respective plans, motives they share with Kirillov. Kirillov’s master plan is to commit suicide for two reasons: firstly, that he has free will and will thereby inspire society to live freely, and secondly, because he sees life as nonsensically painful and thereby not worth living. The first reflects Gogol’s personal aims, and the second Fyodor’s.

Let’s discuss Kirillov and Fyodor first. Kirillov believes that mankind invented God (keep in mind the context this was written in; God=Russian Orthodox Christianity) to go on living because of the absurdity of life. 

Listen: this man was the highest on all the earth, he constituted what it was to live for. Without this man the whole planet with everything on it is--madness only. There has not been one like Him before or since, not ever, even to the point of miracle. This is the miracle, that there has not been and never will be such a one. And if so, if the laws of nature did not pity even This One, did not pity even their own miracle, but made Him, too, live amidst a lie and die for a lie, then the whole planet is a lie, and stands upon a lie and a stupid mockery. Then the very laws of the planet are a lie and a devil's vaudeville. Why live then, answer me, if you're a man.”

Fyodor's disgust for the world and determination to save it from the sin of abilities reflects this same attitude. Life is wrong, so it should cease to exist. Abilities are wrong, so everyone with one should cease to exist. The reason is, most likely, strongly based in how painful Fyodor’s ability has been for him.

Kirillov laments:

“God is necessary and so must exist… But I know He doesn’t and can’t… Surely you must understand that a man with two such ideas can’t go on living?”

...

“If there is no God, then I am God.”

If Kirillov is god, then he is the ultimate master of his fate. Kirillov is very aware of his own limits, and so he thinks this absurd and life pointless. 

That conversation continues (Kirillov’s responses are bolded):

“There, I could never understand that point of yours: why are you God?”

“If God exists, all is His will and from His will I cannot escape. If not, it’s all my will and I am bound to show self-will.”

“Self-will? But why are you bound?”

“Because all will has become mine. Can it be that no one in the whole planet, after making an end of God and believing in his own will, will dare to express his self-will on the most vital point? It’s like a beggar inheriting a fortune and being afraid of it and not daring to approach the bag of gold, thinking himself too weak to own it. I want to manifest my self-will. I may be the only one, but I’ll do it.”

This very much reflects Gogol: killing his high moral power (connection and empathy) through the man who identifies himself as a god (Fyodor) to prove his independence and freedom. 

But we’ve kind of already seen where this ends:

Gogol you’ve literally shown yourself terrified of dying (which Kirillov is as well). I know Gogol was likely acting in this scene, but given the themes of BSD and Gogol’s character, plus the fact that he did, in fact, choose not to die, I think this is likely somewhat reflective of his true feelings.  

But again, Kirillov asserts:

“I am awfully unhappy, for I’m awfully afraid. Terror is the curse of man.… But I will assert my will, I am bound to believe that I don’t believe. I will begin and will make an end of it and open the door, and will save. That’s the only thing that will save mankind and will re-create the next generation physically; for with his present physical nature man can’t get on without his former God, I believe. For three years I’ve been seeking for the attribute of my godhead and I’ve found it; the attribute of my godhead is self-will! That’s all I can do to prove in the highest point my independence and my new terrible freedom. For it is very terrible. I am killing myself to prove my independence and my new terrible freedom.”

As Gogol outlined, what disrupted his plans was Fyodor’s empathy for him, and his empathy for Fyodor. Their connection literally saved his life (hence I kind of doubt their connection will kill them in the end). He cannot die without killing that connection. 

Two things almost disrupt Kirillov’s plans. Firstly, and chiefly, it’s his empathy for others. Kirillov is noted to be a character who is extremely kind, good with children, and unafraid to risk himself to help others. When Kirillov finds out his friend betrayed him and is planning to use Kirillov’s suicide to get away with the murder of a third friend, Kirillov is horrified. He refuses to go through with his suicide at first, screaming in horror that his friend is dead and that he unwittingly enabled his killer to end his life. When he does ultimately go through with it, he states that it is because “I want to kill myself now: all are scoundrels.” He goes through with it because his human connections are failing. 

Even the novel’s most villainous character concludes “I agree” when Kirillov is called “good.” Kirillov will stop at nothing to help his friends, and he believes all people are good and will become good if they are just told they are. However, the tragic irony of this scene is that the person speaking to Kirillov--Nikolai Stavrogin--is very much a literary example of a psychopath. (Those of you who follow me know I don’t use that word lightly.) However, Stavrogin does not want to be this way; he wants to feel, he wants to be bothered by the terrible sins he’s committed. What he’s asking Kirillov, essentially, is to understand this and call him wrong for what he did, which absolutely no one does in the novel:

“Everything’s good.”

“Everything?”

“Everything. Man is unhappy because he doesn’t know he’s happy. It’s only that. That’s all, that’s all! If anyone finds out he’ll become happy at once...

“And if anyone dies of hunger, and if anyone insults and outrages the little girl, is that good?”

“Yes! ...They’re bad because they don’t know they’re good. When they find out, they won’t outrage a little girl. They’ll find out that they’re good and they’ll all become good, every one of them.”

“Here you’ve found it out, so have you become good then?”

“I am good.”

“That I agree with, though,” Stavrogin muttered, frowning.

“He who teaches that all are good will end the world.”

“He who taught it was crucified.”

“He will come, and his name will be the man-god.”

“The god-man?”

“The man-god. That’s the difference.”

Stavrogin’s examples are based on things he’s done. Kirillov isn’t aware of these deeds, but he does know his friend’s mind better than most of their other friends. The problem is that Kirillov refuses to truly act on this empathy, to accept that men can be scoundrels and good, because he wants what he believes (that all are good) to be so. Kirillov’s too consumed with his desire to end the world (hello Fyodor) to save mankind via proving himself free to actually use his empathy to help his friends. In fact, the murderer points out to Kirillov that if he’d focused more on his friend, he might have been able to prevent the murder. 

A similar attitude is reflected in Fyodor’s desire to destroy ability-users (i.e. end the world) and in his interactions with people. He doesn’t put his empathy into forming actual connections, and those he has he deliberately does not invest in (such as when he kills the kid in his introductory chapter). He kills ability users paradoxically because he cares about them and about other people. I wrote about it a bit in this meta here:

Fyodor... lives very much in a world of black and white. He makes Goncharov happy all the time, unable to experience pain or negative emotions. He believes all ability users are a sin and should be destroyed. He’s an idealist in a lot of ways, believing in absolutes (which is also a hallmark of a childish perspective...).  he wants to... force every single ability user to feel his pain (that their abilities are a sin) by wiping them out. In short, Fyodor wants empathy despite refusing to listen to the feelings of others. (He understands their feelings; he just chooses to emphasize his pain over theirs.) 

Unlike Kirillov, however, whose last scene is renowned as “the most harrowing in all of literature” (I can’t even describe it; it has to be read) I think there’s pretty good reason to hope that Fyodor and Gogol will not end up taking each other out. Because the thing about Kirillov, the reason his character resonates so much with me, is the second reason his plans are almost disrupted: it’s how desperately he wants to live. He just wants to know that his life matters. The way Kirillov expresses these desires is absurd in a lot of ways and certainly hyperbolic, but it’s a desire reflected in most of BSD’s characters, and in, well, a lot of us in real life, too. 

Empathy and genuine human connection are the greatest powers in BSD’s world, as we saw recently through Atsushi getting the location of the page from empathizing with Sigma by telling him what he most wanted to know: that he mattered. 

Sigma now knows, to an extent, that he matters. At least, he’s been told as much.  

Gogol states that Sigma is key to his plans succeeding: Sigma’s ability can tell him Fyodor’s ability, which will enable Gogol to kill Fyodor. Except... Sigma’s ability might just work in an way that cultivates empathy post-connection with Atsushi. If Sigma can trust that he matters, despite having been created by the page and having been abused and subjected to all manner of lies and exploitation, he might be key to Fyodor and Gogol’s conflict resolution rather than to them actually killing each other.

Fyodor matters despite having an ability that seems to make him unable to touch people--because he can touch people with his empathy. (His empathy is, of course, literally what draws Gogol to want to kill him.) Fyodor’s empathy with Gogol has already physically saved Gogol.

Gogol matters even if he is understood by someone, because empathy is a strength and not a weakness. Someone understanding him doesn’t make him matter less, and being bound by feelings isn’t actually a bad thing. His connection with Fyodor has already saved his life.

Both Fyodor and Gogol have now saved Sigma at some point. Sigma’s design, of course, is literally split with two different colored halves of his hair, indicating that the artist likely means to symbolize the clash of two halves (see: Q, who represents how soukoku (Dazai and Chuuya) are two halves of a whole in terms of their best and worst traits). However, they exist in one person, and Sigma seems reasonably stable for someone with his situation. 

Additionally, Fyodor and Gogol both are also somewhat modeled after Rodion Raskolnikov, the protagonist of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment, whose name literally means “split” in Russian. (Actually, Kirillov is very much a more internal, tragic version of Raskolnikov.) Like Kirillov, Raskolnikov is a paradox embodied: he’s stunningly empathetic and kind (rushing into a burning building to save orphans), but his philosophy is that it’s fine for him to kill others because he’s a “Napoleon” (special figure; “man-god,” to use Kirillov’s term). 

But what is split is ultimately made whole in Crime and Punishment. Raskolnikov meditates on the raising of Lazarus from the dead and essentially resurrects himself, redeems himself. 

I highly doubt Gogol and Fyodor’s story will end with them dead because:

It’s BSD and nobody stays dead unless you’re Oda or a red shirt; 

Gogol and Sigma have already served us fake-out deaths, so it’s a lot to ask your audience to buy another death from the same character (killing Fyodor is essentially Gogol killing himself);

them surviving and having Fitzgerald-esque redemption arcs very much fits with the themes of Dostoyevsky’s works and specifically with the book after which Fyodor’s ability is named;

resurrection seems to be a motif with everything involving Fyodor, from Cannibalism to this current arc.

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “John Wick” Part 3

Y/N left The Organization 3 years ago for the one reason strong enough to make her settle down: love. But after tragedy crushed her to pieces, she decided to leave The Joker and seek refuge with an old friend and mentor - John Wick. Needless to say The King of Gotham can’t accept his wife running away without a word, especially since he didn’t have a chance to tell her things she might want to hear.

Part 1     Part 2

The Joker listens at the bedroom’s door, impatient to have a conversation with you. It seems you are engaged into a fervent phone call with Winston and figured he shouldn’t interrupt.

“Please, anything you can discover would be a great help! U-hum… U-hum… Thank you,” and you hang up, which queues your husband to walk into the room.

You completely ignore him, scrolling through the numerous text messages you sent to your connections; several are already answering back and hopefully you can get some news soon. The more people are involved into the project, the more chances to find Kase and untangle the mystery of what happened to him after he was removed from the car.

“You left me there,” The Joker sneaks in and closes the door behind him. “Luckily we had Wick with us so he gave me a ride.”

No reaction. He takes a deep breath, trying to get your awareness.

“I didn’t sleep with Evelyn; sex wasn’t the reason why I kept visiting her. I know how that asshole made it sound and he was totally out of line!”

You quickly glance at him, busy replying to Ares since you feel you’re going to explode soon.

“The only skill I was interested in is the fact that she is an excellent painter and a popular art smuggler, OK?” J raises his voice, sort of annoyed you neglect to participate into his monologue. “I did not cheat, alright?” he approaches his wife. “First of all: I’m VERY picky! Second of all: why would I want a woman everyone else had?! I don’t like used toys. Third: nobody’s been polishing my gun as you tastefully addressed the issue! I have one Queen and I married her!!”

A little bit of doubt in your eyes and he utilizes the opportunity.

“You said you saw me going to her house? I did! The Bowery King asked if it was for the last 6 months? Yeah, I did! You know why?!”

At least now The Joker got your attention: you play it cool but he guesses you’re torn apart by his confession.

Many unfortunate events crammed in lately and hating the man you love made life infinitely more unbearable.

“Why…?” you barely muster the strength to inquire and he sees it as a possibility to mend a few broken pieces; although you can hide your emotions well, J can still read between the lines.

Maybe that’s why he answers with another question:

“Do you realize there are just three Monet paintings in circulation on the black market in the entire world? You admire his work and it took a lot of effort and a substantial fortune to acquire The Water Lily Pond painting. Evelyn Black helped with the transaction, then I had her make some modifications to the original masterpiece.”

You keep staring at The King of Gotham, uncertain about the stuff being tossed your way: is he lying or telling the truth?... In your line of work translating feelings is a huge part of the job; ultimately you had the best mentor to teach you the ropes when you started with the organization: none other than the legendary Baba Yaga. Despite his reputation and to your own amazement, John was one of the few hitmen with integrity and perfectly mastered the aptitude of not being a jerk. Such a rare gem… And blissfully unaware of it himself.

On the opposite end, The Joker is a jerk and flawlessly acquainted with his own “captivating” personality that made you fall in love with him anyway.

Also, doesn’t appear to be deceitful for the moment.

And you despise yourself even more for wanting to believe him.

“What… modifications?...” you throw him a bone and J is definitely not going to pass on the alternative of explaining his actions.

“I wanted to surprise you so I took advantage of Miss Black’s capabilities in the art field; I had her add small images to the authentic canvas: an evolution of you being pregnant, the nine frames culminating with a tenth: the new mother holding our son. Similar to a timeline,” he emphasize and you look intrigued, which might be a positive sign. “Needless to say it was tedious, difficult work, especially because she had to apply special pigments you can’t find at every corner of the street. Apparently you can’t mix old paint with contemporary shades, thus I had to order aged, special colors from Italy, Spain and France. That’s why I went to her place so often: I had to supervise the long process and make sure it turns out astonishing. Then…” and The Joker pauses,”…Kase was gone and I didn’t know what to do with my gift: bring it home or not? Would you have loved it? Would it make you sadder? I continued to drive to Evelyn’s and glare at the stupid painting for hours, undecided on what to do…”

J watches you bite on your cheek, then straightens his shoulders as you utter the words:

“… … … You ruined a genuine Monet?”

Your spouse might be a smooth talker when needed, yet he’s not wasting his versatility on this statement:

“I didn’t ruin it; I made it better!”

Silence from both parties. A good or bad omen? Hard to decipher the riddle with two individuals tangled into a relationship that somehow worked despite countless peculiarities meant to keep them apart.

“I have to talk to Jonathan,” you finally mutter and The Joker steps in front of you.

“Talk to me!”

“Unless you know the exact location of the suitcase full of gold coins he’s been safekeeping for me, I really have to speak to him. Or do you want to hammer the whole basement searching for it?”

Y/N walks out of the bedroom and J lingers inside, evesdropping on the conversation happening downstairs. He can’t understand the chat, but you are probably notifying John about the details your husband left out.

Might as well join the party, therefore The Clown pops up in the living room with a plea impossible to refuse:

“Hey Wick, can I stay here? I don’t care if you say no, I’m not going to leave.”

Your friend crosses his arms on his chest, focusing on the random topic:

“How could I deny such a polite request? Of course you can stay Mister Joker; my house is your house.”

You’re watching the free show unamused; usually it would make you smile…now you lack the depth for such connotations.

“Don’t get smart with me, Wick!” J growls and Jonathan pushes for a tiny, unnecessary quarrel.

“I’m not; although generally speaking, I fancy considering myself a smart guy.”

The Joker opens his mouth and you’re not in the mood for whatever the heck they’re initiating:

“I’m going to pump, then after you dig out the suitcase I’ll take half to the Bowery King,” you announce your plans to them.

“You can do that and rest; I’ll deliver the coins,” John immediately offers. “I can stop by Aurelio’s car shop and ask for his collaboration: he has a lot of associates, doesn’t hurt to get him involved. You have plenty of gold.”

“I have two more suitcases in the Continental’s safe and two more at The Penthouse. It doesn’t matter if it’s all gone as long as I can find my son.”

“I know gold coins are preferred; don’t forget we have a lot of money too,” J reckons with spite.

Is he reminding you or Jonathan?...

*************

Your husband spent the last hour in the garden, talking and texting with a lot of people; needless to mention he’s capitalizing on his network also. Winston disclosed Stonneberg’s contract is still opened, meaning the son of a bitch is out there; you have to scoop him before anybody else does.

“Y/N…” The Joker tiptoes in your quarters. “I thought you were taking a nap,” he huffs when he sees you at the edge of the bed.

You glare at the vial on the nightstand, sharing your idea for a future you wish will come true:

“I didn’t have my medicine in two days; I won’t take it anymore because if we get Kase back… I will nurse him. It all goes in the milk and I want to be able to feed my baby… Do you think his little heart is still beating?...” you sniffle and J is currently debating on a clever response since his mind is blank; one could deduce messing up is encoded in his DNA, but on such a huge scale… well, it gives new interpretations to the term even for him.

The grieving woman seeking reassurance for their loss is trying to make sense of the pointless occurrences that lead to Kase being an innocent victim and The Joker can’t render clarification: he has no clue why he asked her to marry him and why she said yes, it’s not that he’s husband material or a family man. Perhaps Y/N thought he could be… just enough to get by, that’s why she accepted his proposal.

Most women would have cringed at the concept. Most women. Not Y/N.

Most women would have flinched at the notion of having his baby. Most women. Not his wife.

Above all, she trusted J with their son and he treated the three weeks old like a trinket: didn’t drive him home because he had an important meeting, didn’t bother to assign escorting cars nor extra security. The King of Gotham took his child’s safety lightly and it definitely had severe consequences. Too late now to fix past mistakes... but he can attempt.

“You’ll be able to nurse him, OK?” he sits by you and hands over his cell. “Can you enter your phone number in here? Or am I not allowed to have the present digits?”

You’re hesitant and he slides the screen while you hold the gadget.

“Lemme help you,” The Joker sarcastically mumbles. “It should be the first on my list, right where the old number you canceled was.”

You exhale and fulfill his demand out of pure frustration when he squeezes in a second innocent petition.

“Chose my avatar.”

You grunt at his rubbish, scrolling through his folders for a picture anyway; J hopes the largest file will get your attention and that’s the point. How could Y/N miss it?!

Entitled “Baby”, the humongous cluster of pics contains 5,723 items. You open it quite absorbed by its size; what’s more puzzling is the collection depicting Kase’s ultrasounds, hundreds of frames with you being pregnant taken without you knowing: there’s a few when your ankles were so swollen you had to sleep with your feet up on 4 pillows, others with you munching on strange food you craved, more with you in the shower focused on your bump, a decent amount of couple selfies when you were sleeping and J had to immortalize the moment without waking you up and approximately 1,500 images of the newborn.

“You didn’t gross me out when you were pregnant,” The Joker reminds a teary Y/N. “Not sure why you would believe such aberration...” he pulls you on his knees and yanks the phone away, tossing it on the nightstand. “I would also like to underline I didn’t have an affair with Miss Black, alright?”

J lifts your chin up, forcing to look at him.

“Let’s put it this way: why would I fuck around with another woman when I have a wife at home that wants to kill me on a regular basis, hm? Where would the fun be? I mean, she didn’t pull the trigger yet but it’s exciting to hope she might. You know me: I’m a sucker for thrills!”

“Do I?”

“Huh?” J steals a kiss and you frown at his sleekness.

“Know you?”

“Yeah,” the green haired Clown acts composed while in fact his feathers are ruffled. Before you catch onto it he has to ultimately admit: “I’m sorry I didn’t drive the car… I should have…”

The Joker holds in his breath when your arms go around his neck very tight.

“I’m suffocating…” he grumbles. “I can’t tell if you’re trying to hug me or choke me to death,” J keeps on caressing your hair, prepared to block your attack in case you’re actually in killing mode.

This is the excitement he was speaking about: with you, one could never know until it’s a done deal.

“I bumped into Magnus at the Continental,” you give him a bit of space to inhale much needed air and The Joker is surprised at your revelation. “I had no idea about his scheme, otherwise I would have skinned him alive right on the hotel grounds! I wouldn’t have cared about the consequences!”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” J cuts you off and he can tell you’re getting mad; maybe you think he doesn’t give a damn but the reason is simple. “You would’ve been declared excommunicado for murder on neutral ground and I don’t want my wife to be the target of such punishment from the company she so proudly retired from. I need my partner!”

The King of Gotham touches your forehead with his as you whisper:

“I hate you!”

“Mmm, regarding this true love affirmation, I’m gonna need you to take a break from detesting me until we have Kase, then you can despise me full throttle again. Deal?” he extends the palm of his hand and you reluctantly shake it, not realizing you’re reacting to his nonsense. “Is that a smile?” J returns the favor with one of his creepy silver grins.

“No.”

“Liar,” he pecks your lips and can’t explain the weird feeling in his heart when you kiss him back.

*************

Jonathan enters the house and becomes suspicious after a few minutes: too much silence.

Omg! Did you and The Joker engaged into a brawling that ended up badly? Did you end each other?!

John frantically runs to the garage, nervous to see your car and J’s are still parked inside. Shit!

“Y/N?” he shouts, concerned about your fate; The Joker’s… irrelevant. Nobody in the garden, patio is empty also. Downstairs is deserted thus he rushes upstairs to your room. The door is not completely shut and he slowly pushes it, knocking.

“Y/N? Can I come in?”

The first thing he notices are clothes scattered on the floor, then he halts his movement at the sight of Y/N and her husband dozing off on the bed sideways: the naked bodies are covered with a blanket, but he can tell you’re snuggled in J’s arms.

Jonathan steps backwards, guilty of invading his guests’ privacy; he certainly didn’t expect to intrude in such a manner and softly closes the door, grateful it’s not what he feared.  

You and The Joker are so worn out the sound of your phones vibrating on the nightstand doesn’t wake you from the deep sleep. Your numerous contacts keep replying back to the text messages, the most important one showing up on his cell: one of the people J reached to is Evelyn Black and the two sentence conversation lights up the screen.

“Let me know if you see Stonnenberg.”

“He’s here.”

 Also read: MASTERLIST

You can follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

[tournesolia]

Chaos Lineage Kanato Chapter 11 Translation

Place : Dungeon

Yui : (Ayato-kun and Laito-kun regained their memories thanks to Kanato-kun...)

*Laito unlocks the door

Laito : Here you go, get out before Carla and the others notice

Yui : Thank you, Laito-kun

Laito : We're no longer enemies after all

Ayato : Anyway, why is Yours Truly having such a bad time ? What the fuck happened ?

Laito : Beats me. Isn't it another prank from someone who has bad taste ?

More importantly, this current situation where we kill each other is a nuisance, don't you think ?

I don't want to get involved into such a meaningless battle

Kanato : Agreed

Yui : What should we do ? There's no way we can just beat our opponent, right ?

We have to recover everyone's memories and go back where we belong

Ayato : You wanna discuss with them ? So annoying

Kanato : If we track down each one of them, we might find someone who knows about our situation

Laito : Won't we have the misfortune of getting killed while we're doing that ?

Ayato : Who cares ? I won't hold back in that case

Yui : I don't want this, if possible. I would like everyone to return safely where they belong, by any means

Kanato : You could say that but, depending on the situation, you can't say such sweet things

Laito : That's right. It would be pointless if you get killed while you're saying “Regain your memories !”, you know ?

Ayato : Hey, don't you have another idea that'd get the Great Me more motivated ?

You too, Laito. Stop grinning and share an idea !

Laito : You're as nonsensical as ever, Ayato-kun

Don't be so bossy when you can't think of anything other than fighting

Kanato : You guys are being noisy. None of you is useful if you can't give a decent opinion

Ayato : Tch

Laito : What a ruthless Kanato-kun

Ah~ah, Reiji used to do this kind of intellectual work until now

It's annoying when he's here, but it's inconvenient when he's not here

Yui : Reiji-san...

(I can understand how stronger they realize Reiji-san's value in such a situation, but...)

(He's still the eldest son of another house. He hasn't regained his memories...)

We can't even seek Reiji-san's help in our current situation

Ayato : Then, how about kidnapping Reiji and make him obey us ?

Laito : Ayato-kun, how stupid can you be ?

Doing that won't solve anything if Reiji's memories don't return

Kanato : Aaah geez, please cut it out !

You're just completely useless. Can't this conversation be a little productive !?

Ayato : Oh, shut up. You don't share any great ideas either, so we aren't the only ones useless

Kanato : I recovered your memories, didn't I !? I worked more than enough !

Yui : Shhhh ! You have to be quiet, don't speak so loud

Laito : Indeed. It seems I forgot we're still in enemy territory

*footsteps approaching

Laito : Ah~ah, looks like people are coming right after your warning

Azusa : Eve... got caught... That's good

Kou : Yup. We should make a banquet tonight to celebrate ! Subaru-kun really did his best ~...

Azusa : Ah... Kanato-san, Ayato-san... and Eve got out of jail...

Kou : Eh !? You're right ! Did they break the prison door ?

Azusa : This is a... serious situation, right... ?

Kou : Yeah. We have to let Carla-kun know ! Let's go, Azusa-kun

Azusa : Y-Yeah...

Kou : Laito-kun ! Keep watch so they don't go anywhere !

*Kou and Azusa leave

Yui : (This is bad... ! They noticed us !)

Kanato : Those annoyances just keep coming one after another

Ayato : It ain't time to say such careless shit. Let's get out of here before those guys come back

Yui : He's right. We have to escape at any rate

Laito : Agreed. But to be honest, I wish we could bring back Subaru-kun's memories and take him with us...

Ayato : We don't have any more time for that

Laito : Indeed. If we get caught by Carla, we're done for

Kanato : Carla... It's one of the First Bloods, right ? Completely troublesome

Laito : For now, you guys should get out of here first without me

Yui : Eeeh... !!? What are you going to do, Laito-kun ?

Laito : Are you worried about me ? I'm so happy

But it's okay. They still think of me as their brother so I'll go back and try to buy some time

Ayato : True. Looks like they think you're still on their side

Kanato : But then, when will you plan to run away ?

Laito : Oh ? It's unusual that you worry about me, Kanato-kun

Kanato : Please don't say such gross things. I just don't want you to create extra work for us later

Laito : Well, I'll work something out. I'll catch up with you without fail. So come on, go ahead

Yui : (I see... Since it's Laito-kun, everything will go well, right ?)

Alright ! Thank you, Laito-kun

Scene change : Violet mansion – Corridor

Laito : … With this, the three of them escaped. Next, how about I come back to the Violets with a scratch on my cheek, and pretend to be beaten... ?

Carla : Laito, what are you doing in this emergency ?

Laito : Ah, Carla, listen to that. I tried so hard to not let Eve escape, but...

I wasn't able to contain her at all. Sorry ?

Carla : I see. Do you intend to play the innocent until the end ?

Laito : … Eh ?

Carla : Don't tell me you were so foolish to think your act would go unnoticed

Kou : Did you seriously think you could deceive us with such a lie ?

You pretented to be our ally that time at the dungeon, while in truth, we clearly noticed. So we appeared to you as companions

And then we went to call Carla-kun and told him “The traitor amongst the Violet brothers is coming”

Laito : Hmmm, I see

Azusa : Will you quietly... surrender... ?

Laito : Hmm, there's no way I can do that !

*Laito runs away

Azusa : Ah, he ran away...

Carla : Go after him

Kou : Okay !

*Kou and Azusa run after Laito

Laito : How did they see through me ? Oh well, it was bound to happen

Anyway, Kanato-kun and the others must have escaped safely so I just have to join them next...

I've got no choice but break throught the window in this situation !

*Laito escapes through the window

Carla : Hmph, so he escaped through the window. How far is he going to be evasive... ?

Scene change : Forest

Yui : Haa... Haa... Haa...

(We managed to escape thanks to Laito-kun. I hope he can join us sooner or later)

(Until then, we have to find clues in order to get out of here...!)

*they keep running and some time passes

Yui : Haa... Haa... Haa... Kof, kof

(It's becoming hard for me... But I don't want to drag Kanato-kun and Ayato-kun down. I have to do my best)

Kanato : You seem to suffer a lot, are you okay ?

Yui : N-No. I'm fine... !

Kanato : Are you telling me a lie ? You don't look fine. Let's take a break

Ayato : … Can't be helped

Yui : I'm sorry. We were supposed to flee as fast as possible, and yet...

Kanato : It's fine. When necessity arises, I'll carry you on my back

Yui : Thank you, and sorry

(Kanato-kun is very reliable at times like this. I'm so relieved, but...)

Laito-kun is still left, I wonder if he's okay

Kanato : That pervert will be alright. I'm sure he'll cut his way through in his usual way

Nevertheless, Laito did something like Ayato...

Yui : (Kanato-kun...)

*footsteps approaching

Kanato : – Someone is coming !

Yui : Eh... !?

Ayato : Shit, do we get out of here... !? Or...

Laito : Heeeh. You're already leaving, even though I finally catch up to you ?

Kanato : That voice...

Yui : Laito-kun... !

Laito : Hiiii, I'm back

Ayato : Wha, you're worn out !

Yui : (True, he's badly injured...)

Laito : It was a little tricky, but I somewhat managed to escape. I'm glad I've been able to join you safely

Kanato : How was it safe !? You let us flee at the price of getting such injuries... !

… Weren't you aware that you could be in danger ?

Laito : I didn't mind it at all. Because that's something I decided on my own

Kanato : I can't believe you went this far to protect us...

Yui : (Kanato-kun... As expected, he's at a loss with his emotions, just like when Ayato-kun protected us)

Kanato : What are those feelings !? I hate those emotions ! I don't understand them !

Ayato : Hey, what's with that sudden hysteria ?

Laito : What's wrong, Kanato-kun ? I don't understand a thing you're saying

Kanato : Don't you find it strange !? Laito let us flee at the price of being in that state...

So what am I supposed to feel... !?

I've never been accustomed to this until now, you know !?

Yui : (Feelings Kanato-kun doesn't know about are surely beginning to grow inside him...)

(Mutual help, brotherhood... They may confuse him right now, but...)

(These are important feelings. I hope Kanato-kun will acknowledge them someday...)

Um, I can run again now, and I think it's dangerous to stay here, so let's keep moving ?

Laito : You're right

Kanato : … Understood

Ayato : Our chasers don't seem to come over here for now, so let's find a place to settle down

Kanato : And where should we find that place ?

Ayato : Hell if I know ! Ain't there a good hiding place around... ?

… Ah !

Kanato : What is it, all of a sudden ?

Ayato : Hey ! Look at the roof over here !

Kanato : You're right. It looks like an abandoned house

Ayato : Then, isn't that house perfect for hiding ?

Yui : Yes, you're right. I think it's good ! Let's go, Kanato-kun

Kanato : … Understood. Let's head there

Scene change : Abandoned house

Laito : Well then, shall we discuss about what to do next now that we are in a calm place ?

Ayato : Too bothersome, but can't be helped. We can't stay that way forever

Laito : If only we could make Shu and Reiji regain their memories so we could depend on them afterwards...

Kanato : That seems to the most difficult task. They'd surely attack us the moment we met, and woudn't even let us talk

Laito : Then what other option do we have ?

Ayato : How about shouting “Who's that bastard who did that to us !?”

Laito : Yes, we can do that. I wanna see what will happen

Kanato : Right, that sounds fun. An enemy at the same level as Ayato might answer

Ayato : What's with those dumb faces !? You're thinking that's absolute bullshit, huh !?

Yui : (Hehe, when I watch this scene, I have the feeling the three of them clearly returned back to normal)

(That makes me happy and nostalgic...)

Kanato : Why are you grinning ?

Yui : Because I'm happy you all returned back to normal

After all, it's better when you're together, right ?

Kanato : Well... It doesn't matter to me at all

Yui : (Kanato-kun's pouting... Is he perhaps sulking ?)

Kanato : Because it's fine as long as I'm here for you, right ? It doesn't matter if the two others are here or not

Yui : (Ah, could he be jealous ? But that side of him is cute as well)

Kanato : Ayato and Laito helped us, for sure...

That's right... I thought that as long as I have you and only you, everything would be fine, and yet... Why do I have such feelings... ?

Yui : Um, Kanato-kun... ?

Kanato : – NO !

*Kanato grabs Yui

Yui : … !!

(He suddenly grabbed my shoulder...!)

Kanato : I finally understand what's wrong

You can't only care about Ayato and Laito !

Why won't you look only at me ? That's why I'm so frustrated

Yui : Eh... ? Um...

Kanato : … !

*Kanato hugs Yui

Yui : Kanato-kun ? What's the matter ? You're hugging me or something...

Choice 1 : Reject him (black roses)

Yui : N-No ! Not in front of them... !

Kanato : Why do you refuse ? If you love me, it's not a problem, right ?

Or you don't love me ?

Yui : Eh !? No ! It's absolutely not that !

Kanato : Then please be silent and accept what I'll do

Yui : (W-What does he plan to do ?)

Choice 2 : Feel awkward (white roses)

Yui : … It feels awkward here...

Kanato : What are you talking about ? We're lovers so it shouldn't be awkward to hug each other

Yui : … But your brothers...

Kanato : Please don't object. You only have to listen to what I say

Yui : (What does he plan to do ? Don't tell me he's going to go further, in front of everyone –?)

– End of choices

Laito : Helloooo ~ ? What are you two doing ?

Ayato : What are you guys doing at such a time... ?

Kanato : Let me be clear with you guys, right here

This girl is mine. If you ever lay a hand on her, I won't forgive you

I'd kill you both and look for a way to go home alone with her

Yui : Ah... !

(I see. Ayato-kun and Laito-kun sucked my blood, so...)

(Even though it contributed to their memories' return, Kanato-kun feel disgusted by it)

Kanato : So let me remind you. If you lay a hand on her, I'll never forgive you

That's why I'll show you

Yui : Ah... !

Kanato : *sucks her blood

Yui : (No way ! He's sucking my blood even though his brothers are watching...!)

Kanato : … Hmm... Haa... Your blood... *sucks blood

Yui : No... Everyone... is watching

Kanato : Of course they are. I'm sucking your blood right now to show them who you belong to... *sucks blood

Yui : But... it's embarrassing here... Hmm...

Kanato : *sucks blood

Yui : Ah... Aah !

Kanato : *sucks blood... What a nice expression

Your blood is getting sweeter as well... I can't stop

Yui : (I want to stop him because it's embarrassing, but... I have no strength left...)

Ayato : Tch. You didn't have to bother doing that, who's gonna lay a hand on Kanato's stuffs ?

Laito : That's right. It would obviously get troublesome

Ah~ah. Even under these circumstances, Little Bitch belongs to Kanato-kun after all

Kanato : Exactly. So if you understand, please don't try anything at all in the future

Yui : (Geez... He didn't have to go this far...)

(But the fact that Kanato-kun intend to make me his makes me happy)

(I love him so much, so I want to be his)

Chapter 11 : End

[serenagaywaterford]

How opposed do you think serena is to labelling herself with ‘lesbian’? Would she ever use any alternatives?

I think, Serena… Hmm… would be adamantly opposed to any label for a very long time. Because she would be stuffed full of religious indoctrination and shame being fed by heaps of internalised homophobia and specifically lesbophobia. I can’t see her being very comfortable with any label for a long time even when she is in a relationship with another woman. She’d be the type to refer to June (or whomever) as her “partner”, and make sure it’s vague and safe. Never “girlfriend”, cos that’s too bold and upfront. Never admit that it’s actually two women. She’d hide behind language like “partner” or “significant other” for sure, probably even say “they” instead of “she” when in conversation with people, just to hide a little more.

That said, down the road? If I’m taking her out of canon, hmm. I think the journey to a label would be long but mostly direct. Firstly, I don’t know what any alternatives are to “lesbian”. It’s a pretty specific thing and literally none of the other words I can think of mean lesbian. (Unless they’re reclaimed slurs like dyke or lesbo, etc. or something really clunky like “homosexual woman” which lbr nobody really says.) Whether she would go through a phase of mislabelling herself because she is afraid of the word is another question though. Would she consider herself bisexual? Perhaps. It would be incredibly difficult to admit that an entire marriage was pointless and unfulfilling. Denial is powerful. Like how could a lesbian be married to a man for so long? Right? (I really don’t want to get into any debate about lesbian purity but it happens, and there are plenty of lesbians who have.) I think she could hang onto that for a while. I can see her clinging on for dear life to the bisexual label, for a host of reasons. 

[And I know I may differ with some Serena/June fans, but I do not headcanon her as bisexual. I just don’t. June, yes, actually because I believe her romantic and sexual attraction to men is genuine and real. Serena? Not in a million years. That woman is as gay as a window and yes, I will die on this hill regardless of what canon tells me.]

She may even insist one of those stupid “It’s not all women, just one!” Like, I’m not homosexual, it’s just this specific person! LOL. Okay. Sure, Jan. Cos that’s a real thing. I see Serena being very much that sort of person in rabid denial.

Like I said though, I would suspect eventually she would recognise things and put every piece of her life into perspective, and give herself a little break. I also think internally she would be immediately questioning whether she is homosexual. Cos, yeah, that’s part of her whole ideology, this gender traitor gay-hating thing. She would think that about herself and try to mitigate it, and talk herself into some other excuse. Like “It’s not me, it’s just her. It’s a one-off. Or it’s a phase.” Something like that to make it seem less than it is.

But no, Serena wouldn’t call herself an alternative. Cos, a)I don’t know any so I can’t speak to that lol and she certainly wouldn’t call herself a slur, and b)it’s SERENA. She wouldn’t be sitting around on social media or going to gender studies courses in uni. She wouldn’t even know the language, slang, or whatever 60239 sexual identities and labels people have now. She would know the basics and have to pick from those. Gay, lesbian, bi, ~gender traitor~. That’s all she would know, PLUS the slurs because there is no way someone with that much hate, and surrounded by so much hate pre- and during Gilead wouldn’t be aware of them. Even just from church.

I think she may start with “gender traitor” because it’s what she’s familiar with, and it’s sort of …vague in a sense. Also, the shame. MAYBE eventually once she’s done the whole journey or whatever she may use “gay”, and I would suspect she would before using “lesbian” cos let’s be totally honest, it is the hardest for so many women to say. There is still so much stigma attached and women are still afraid to say it, cos also it is the most dangerous for women. To be a lesbian means to be unavailable to men entirely. They don’t like that. At all. They will do anything to change that. It starts with words and ends with rape. Even saying “gay” as a woman is somehow less threatening for some reason, but “lesbian” is a definitive statement. (Maybe it’s cos “gay” for women has been watered down and so many people just use it without understanding that it is HOMOSEXUAL. So men can hear gay, and be like “Meh, she’ll be with dudes too cos all these other ~gay girls~ do.” Yet a man says “gay” and he is equally as threatening and gross to straight men as a lesbian is, but for different reasons. Being exclusively homosexual makes straight people (but especially men) hate you. And when they hate you, it is a scary place to be. So, I can deffo see Serena being quite afraid. Like she is a pretty huge coward generally lol and this would be even worse. That’s what got her into so much of her own bullshit. So she would be terrified of the word lesbian.

TMI: I know I was. I adamantly refused to use the word for years cos it was gross and scary or whatever idiocy I had in my head. I was actually at a comedy club with my girlfriend and the comedian picked us out (it was all straight people) and said “Oh, we’ve got some lesbians here, right?” and I was so completely horrified and terrified that I blurted, as disgusted as I could, “No! I’m not!” And I’ll tell you my girlfriend wasn’t very happy for one thing, and the comedian just looked confused. Like, clearly I am. But I just loudly refused to be called that cos I was scared. Of so many things. So, I get it. I get the absolute refusal to accept that you are that word because it’s all sorts of things. Mostly associated with bad. But it’s not. And I don’t even have the really deeply ingrained homophobia as somebody like Serena does (I deffo had internalized homo/lesbophobia tho). So, if I struggled with it, I am certain someone like her would struggle a lot more. Especially when the stakes are even higher and more dangerous. Like, this is a woman that has supported a regime that hangs gay men in public and rapes/genitally mutilates lesbians and knows exceptionally well how easily a regime can target and eradicate gays and lesbians.

Now, would Serena EVER say it? I’m not sure. I think about that sometimes writing fic. How does Serena view herself? Would she ever get to a healthy enough place that she could call herself a lesbian? Or is she somewhat of a lost cause? (It also comes into play how much she’ll ever admit about the shit she’s done.)

Sometimes I doubt it. I sometimes think she would spend her whole life talking around the actual word and using euphemisms or long descriptions instead of saying the word. Because that is a lot A LOT of lesbophobia for her to unpack. More than a lot of people. (Not to mention she’s a very stubborn and proud person so part of that would be admitting she was wrong in the past and… well, lbr, Serena is NOT good at that either lol.) That said, there are some raging homophobes that come out and quite quickly embrace the most “extreme” label because it is such a relief. It’s freedom. It’s safety in a totally different way than a lie. Could she be like that? Almost as if she launches herself into another ~cause straight away? Hmm. Maybe. She does also have that streak in her.

So, long story short, anon. I dunno. I would suspect IF she ever does, it would be a long, long journey for her but it wouldn’t beat around the bush (unless that journey involves mislabelling herself in an attempt to soften the blow/part of self-discovery). I don’t see her using any “alternatives” tbh. Cos it’s Serena, a woman in her mid-late 30s who has spent her whole life either in church, in very right wing conservative circles, and/or in a literal religio-fascist society. Not a 20 year old on tumblr who has all this new lingo at their fingertips. She simply wouldn’t have the language. Or care. I’ll be honest, most people over 30 don’t give a shit about all this. You’re gay, you’re lesbian, or you’re bi. That’s it. Maybe at a push some of them use “queer” now. And frankly, Serena would never, ever use that word. Not with the huge stigma attached to that in church/right wing circles where it is literally a slur and nothing else. She wouldn’t be the type to “reclaim” anything. She’d hear that word and likely only think of the horrible, violent ways it was used in her upbringing and communities. It would probably evoke fear. I’d say possibly even trauma. So, I would definitely cross that one off the possible “alternative” list. (I’d also cross “homosexual” off that list too for the same reasons. That word is said with such hate, disgust, and derision in conservative and church communities. It sounds like poison when they say it. And Serena couldn’t get past that for a very long time, I’d guess.) 

She’s simply not that sort of person to make a stand like that or face demons that frequently lol. She is not a very brave person, nor is she one that simply doesn’t care what people think of her. She appears to care very much and that would be a huge influence on her behaviour and thoughts. Unless it’s something she ADAMANTLY believes in. Like, she has to hit a limit before she snaps and doesn’t care what people think anymore. (We’ve only seen that Serena a few times in canon. Most of the time she’s a cheerleader for the status quo.) I do believe deep, deep down she doesn’t truly care… but fear/validation is a crazy drug. It would take a lot for her to get there.Wow, I said long story short and just went off on another tangent so okay. I’m done. Serena: no alternatives, uses “gay/lesbian” after a very, very long time–if at all. *shrug* I dunno. I can possibly be persuaded otherwise but this is basically my view...

[ofstormsandwolves]

The Delinquents

Buffy/Faith, Giles/Joyce, Gwendolyn Post, Snyder

Modern AU

Part of Sunnydale 2019

Read on AO3

When Buffy and Faith get caught skipping classes, Snyder turns out to be the least of their problems when their parents are called in.

Rupert Giles knew one thing for certain working as he did at Sunnydale High; if Principal Snyder requested your presence in his office in the middle of the day, it was never for a good reason.

But what the reason was, he had no idea. With the ill-tempered, easily annoyed principal it could be anything; from overhearing a rumour from a pupil in a corridor, to an impending apocalypse. Of course, the second one was rather unlikely, but Snyder seemed to treat every issue like it spelled out certain doom so the possibility did cross Giles’s mind.

When he arrived at the principal’s office, however, the sight that greeted him was one he had not been anticipating. And it seemed much worse than an apocalypse.

Looking more than a little guilty, Faith and Buffy were sat side by side in the uncomfortable chairs Snyder always had facing his desk. Said principal was sat behind said desk with a smug look on his face that made Giles’s stomach churn. Standing beside Faith’s chair, dressed in a blouse and skirt, and wearing a fearsome frown was Gwendolyn Post, Faith’s adopted mother. Giles moved to stand beside Buffy’s chair.

“Glad you could join us, Mr Giles,” Snyder said with an arched eyebrow, as though he had requested Giles’s presence hours ago rather than the mere five minutes it had actually been.

“Yes,” Giles responded shortly, “here I am. What seems to be the problem?”

Despite his outwardly polite tone, Giles already wanted to throttle the smug-looking man. But it would likely cost him his job, and would be rather difficult to explain to Joyce, so he refrained.

Before Snyder could speak, however, Gwen Post turned to face Giles. “It seems the girls have been skipping class again,” she said in a tone that suggested Giles should have already known this detail. “This is the fourth time in as many weeks that they have failed to show up to classes.”

Giles frowned at that, looking down at Buffy. She responded by sliding further down in her seat, biting her lip and avoiding his gaze.

“Normally this would be a matter for the parents,” Snyder said to Giles, eyes glinting nastily as he said the word ‘parents’, “but Mrs Giles wasn’t answering her phone, and this issue needs to be resolved.”

“I see,” Giles responded tightly. “You do realise that as Buffy’s step-father, and with her biological father out of the picture, I essentially am her parent?”

If Snyder were more sensible, he perhaps would have sensed the threat in his voice. Buffy and Faith certainly did. Even without looking, Giles knew they were staring up at him. Buffy was wide-eyed and worried, while Faith seemed a little more amused with the situation. It was well-known that Snyder and Giles didn’t get on, and Giles couldn’t help but wonder if Faith was hoping for a fight.

“‘Essentially’,” Snyder echoed with an annoying smirk, “isn’t exactly the same as being Buffy’s parent, though. Still, you’ll do for now. I’ll be phoning your wife later to speak with her about the matter.”

Giles wanted to make a remark, but he instead bit his tongue. Besides, he could see that Gwen was getting just as frustrated with Snyder as he was, so he decided to let her deal with matters. After all, she wouldn’t lose her job if she snapped at him.

“What exactly will you be telling Joyce?” Gwen asked, arching her eyebrow. “You haven’t yet told me what you plan to do with the girls.”

Snyder had a particularly smug look on his face then, and Giles saw Buffy stiffen. “Well, seeing as this is, as you so kindly reminded me, the fourth time in four weeks that Miss Summers and Miss Lehane have failed to show up for second period, I think it’s only right that I suspend the pair of them.”

Giles couldn’t quite stop an outburst then. “Oh, for god’s sake,” he growled. “You’re suspending them? Your response to them skipping a class is to make them miss more classes by not allowing them on school grounds? I am aware of the school’s disciplinary measures, you know, and suspension certainly does not come before a detention!”

Beside Faith, Gwen was looking equally angry. “It certainly doesn’t,” she agreed, tone sharp. “I may not work here like Mr Giles, but I am fully up to date with the school’s procedures for such matters, and this is not the correct way to handle it!”

Inexplicably though, Snyder still looked smug. “I don’t know how you do things at your schools in England,” he stated, giving both adults a pointed look, “but here in California we don’t like having students in the school who disrupt the learning of others. As principal, it is my decision how to deal with the troublemakers. If I decide that a detention isn’t a good enough deterrent for certain delinquents,” he looked to Buffy and Faith, “I can simply move to the next stage. And that’s suspension.” He fixed everyone in the room with a smug smile. “They’re suspended for five and a half days. Effective immediately. We’ll count this as the half day, and I don’t expect to see them back in my school until a week Monday.”

Clearly there was nothing else to say after that, and Buffy and Faith slowly got to their feet. Neither of them really wanted to look at the respective parents, so they grabbed their bags and headed out the office.

 “Hey, B, look on the bright side,” Faith smirked once they were out in the corridor. “Long weekend!”

“I think not,” Gwen’s irritated voice came from behind them before Buffy could respond. “You’re not getting out of schoolwork just because Principal Snyder refuses to let you on school grounds.”

Faith pouted at that news. “What? Not even after you agreed Snyder was out of line suspending us?”

Gwen rolled her eyes. “I disagree with his methods, yes,” she responded, “but you still skipped class and as a result I’m grounding you. No Bronze, no video games, no friends round.” The last was said with a pointed look towards Buffy. “And don’t even think about sneaking out.”

Knowing it was pointless arguing with her adopted mother, Faith just growled and stomped off towards her locker to retrieve her books. With an eye roll, Gwen followed her.

“How mad are you?” Buffy asked Giles as Gwen disappeared around the corner.

He arched an eyebrow at her. “Do I have to answer that, or should I just glare?”

Buffy bit her lip. “I’m sorry. I just... I hate my history class this year, ok? I spent all last year finally getting my grades up, and it was all for nothing. Nothing I’m learning is going in, and it just makes me feel stupid to even try!”

She was almost in tears, and Giles sighed. “Buffy, you should have spoken to me or your mother about it, rather than simply skipping class. We would have helped.”

Buffy gave her a tearful, slightly incredulous look then, suggesting she didn’t really believe him. He fought the urge to roll his eyes.

“Honestly, Buffy,” Giles said in vague annoyance. “I have a history degree from Oxford, I worked at the British Museum for a decade before moving to Los Angeles, and then I worked for several years in the Natural History Museum. I think I know enough about history to help with your homework.”

Buffy sniffled and lowered her gaze. “I guess so.”

With another sigh, Giles nudged her down the corridor. “Go get your books from your locker. I’ll give your mother a ring.”

 To say that Joyce was displeased about having to pick Buffy up from school in the middle of the day would have been an understatement. The drive home was awkward and tense, and Buffy was almost too scared to speak for fear she’d set her mother off on a rant. She’d been dealing with a client at the gallery when Snyder had phoned, and had picked up when Giles had phoned her just over fifteen minutes later. Buffy didn’t know how much her step-father had divulged over the phone, but it was enough for Joyce to be giving her the silent treatment.

When they finally pulled up outside 1630 Revello Drive, Buffy was surprised when her mother cut the engine and slipped out the car with her.

“Don’t you have to get back to work?” Buffy asked before she could stop herself.

Joyce fixed her daughter with a look. “I’ve got Maria covering,” came the tense reply. “I’m having to pay her overtime.”

Buffy swallowed. “I’d be fine here by myself if you need to get back to the gallery,” she said. Immediately she knew it was the wrong thing to say.

“Buffy,” Joyce said with a sigh, “I’m not leaving you here alone. Not after several weeks of you skipping classes. I clearly can’t trust you to stay here and do school work unless I watch you, so you’re going to have to put up with me.”

Jaw clenched, Buffy grabbed her school supplies from the backseat and stomped up the porch.

 Giles came home at just before five. Buffy was in her room, having been banished there by Joyce the moment she’d finished her homework. Apparently skipping class meant no television. Her phone had been confiscated too.

But despite being shut away upstairs, Buffy could just faintly make out her parents’ voices. Opening her door slightly, she slid down to the ground to listen in. It wasn’t like she’d left her room or anything, so she wasn’t breaking any rules.

“-about her history grades?” Giles was saying gently. “She’s really struggling, Joyce.”

Joyce sighed. “Well maybe if she actually went to class...”

“It’s making her feel stupid,” Giles responded calmly. “She was nearly in tears when she spoke with me about it. This isn’t just her not going to class because she doesn’t feel like it. She’s skipping lessons because she’d rather get in trouble with Snyder than feel inadequate in class.”

Buffy swallowed then. Trust Giles to figure that out.

“Snyder said Faith was skipping classes too,” Joyce said softly. “I’m guessing Gwen wasn’t pleased?”

“I didn’t have time to talk to her,” Giles admitted, “but she didn’t seem pleased, no.”

Joyce sighed again. “What are we going to do?”

The tone of her mother’s voice nearly brought tears to Buffy’s eyes. Her mother sounded so forlorn, so worried. She hadn’t meant to worry her parents. She and Faith had just thought it would be more fun to skip class and hang out together than feel like idiots in classes they didn’t understand.

“I’ve already spoken to her a little about helping her out, but maybe we need to look at getting her a tutor,” Giles said. “I’m not sure myself or Willow would be the best option for Buffy. I know some of the college students do tutoring on the side; it might be a good idea to look into it.”

And then there were footsteps, and her parents moved away from the stairs so Buffy couldn’t hear them any longer. With a sigh, she got to her feet and shut her door.

 “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Faith grumbled as she picked at her dinner.

Gwen fixed her with a look across the dining table. “You know full well what ‘the big deal’ is, Faith. You cannot skip class. Especially one as important as math.”

But Faith simply shrugged. “I have a calculator on my phone, if I need to do math I just use that.”

Unsurprisingly, that wasn’t what her mother wanted to hear. “Faith, if you keep on like this then Principal Snyder may very well exclude you entirely. And then what will you do with your life?”

Faith could feel Gwen’s gaze on her, and she shifted uncomfortably. In all honesty, she’d not stopped to consider what would happen if she pushed Snyder too far. He was fun to wind up, but the problem with Snyder was that you couldn’t always tell when he was going to blow. It was funny when he blew things out of proportion when you weren’t in the firing line, but somehow Faith doubted it would be that funny if he was aiming directly at you.

Gwen’s gaze was still on her, and Faith had no answer to her question. Suddenly not feeling very hungry, she pushed her plate away and excused herself to head to her room.

 “Buffy, honey, Rupert and I were talking earlier and we think we might need to look into getting you a tutor for history.”

Buffy swallowed the mouthful of food and looked at her parents. “Right,” she said, not really knowing what else to say.

“Just for a little while,” Joyce continued, “to help you with some of your classes.”

“I know that some of the students at UC Sunnydale offer tutoring,” Giles chipped in with a reassuring smile. “I happen to know one of the history professors, and I thought perhaps I could contact him to see if he could recommend a student.”

Buffy swallowed, before shrugging. “I guess so.” She really didn’t want to talk about it.

Joyce sighed at her daughter’s response. “Buffy, this is really for the best. You’re struggling so much that you’re skipping class, and it isn’t acceptable. You wouldn’t come to either me or Rupert for help, and while Willow has been able to help in the past, I think this might be a bit beyond her.”

At her mother’s words, Buffy shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “It’s not that bad,” she mumbled, cheeks flushing.

“Yes it is,” Giles countered gently before Joyce could say anything. “You admitted yourself that you feel inadequate in class and that you skipped class as a result.” He paused, setting down his cutlery and moving his hand across the table to rest over Buffy’s. “This isn’t a punishment, you know. Neither I nor your mother like seeing you this upset, especially over a class. A tutor will mean that you can learn here, without fear of others judging you if you need to ask questions. You’re not a stupid girl, Buffy. In fact, you’re a lot cleverer than you think. You just need to believe in yourself more and accept a little help every now and then.”

Buffy flushed at Giles’s words. She hadn’t felt clever in history class for a very long time. She had never done particularly well in the subject, even at Hemery, but she also hadn’t done too badly. Until this year, and Mrs Dalton. Maybe Mrs Dalton hated her and was deliberately making the class even more difficult. Maybe everyone was in on it. Even Snyder. It wouldn’t surprise her.

But the more she thought about it, the more a tutor didn’t sound quite so scary. Like Giles said, they could tutor her at home. There would be no classroom full of people to laugh at her for asking a silly question. Nobody to sneer at her for messing up dates, or names. She wouldn’t have to be scared of being mocked, or of seeing the sympathetic looks Willow cast her way when Buffy met up with her after class.

“I suppose so,” she said at last, giving her step-father a small smile.

Both Giles and Joyce beamed back.

“Good,” Giles said, withdrawing his hand and picking up his cutlery again. “I’ll give Mr Wyndam-Pryce a call tomorrow.”

 “A tutor? Man, that sucks, B,” Faith said, wrinkling her nose up.

“Maybe it won’t be that bad,” Buffy responded with a shrug, but her tone suggested she was far from convinced. “How angry was Gwen?”

Faith snorted and picked at a loose thread on her shirt. “I’m grounded. No phone or TV.”

“Same,” Buffy told her girlfriend. Then she thought. “So how much trouble will you be in if Gwen finds out you sneaked out?”

At that, Faith gave a wicked grin. “Dunno, B,” she shrugged. “How much trouble will you be in?”

Buffy fixed Faith with a haughty look at that. “I’m not the one breaking rules,” she responded. “Look, I’m still in my room.” She gestured around her. “It’s not my fault my delinquent girlfriend climbed up onto my roof.”

Faith grinned from her position outside Buffy’s bedroom window, and reached through to pull Buffy closer. “So I go through all this trouble to come see you and I don’t even get a kiss?”

“Hmm, maybe I do owe you a quick kiss from risking Gwen’s wrath...”

Buffy had barely finished speaking before Faith’s lips were pressed against hers. The kiss lasted several seconds before they heard Joyce’s voice distantly calling for Buffy and the two girls jerked away from one another.

“I’d better go,” Faith said reluctantly. “Before Gwen catches on.”

And then she slid down the roof and leapt down into the grass. As Joyce’s footsteps sounded outside the bedroom, Buffy quickly slid the window shut and crossed to her bed.

 By Saturday lunchtime, Mr Wyndam-Pryce and Giles had apparently compiled a list of potential new tutors for Buffy. From what Buffy understood, Mr Wyndam-Pryce had gone to the same posh boarding school Giles had, and while their paths hadn’t crossed there, their fathers knew each other. Apparently Giles wasn’t the only displaced Brit in Sunnydale.

“I’ll see about emailing them this afternoon,” Giles said over lunch. “I explained to Mr Wyndam-Pryce what we were looking for, and everyone he suggested sounded very promising, but it will depend on their schedule, I suppose.”

“Why do you keep calling him ‘Mr Wyndam-Pryce’, anyway?” Buffy asked, scrunching her nose up in confusion. “I thought you said you knew him?”

Giles shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. “Knowing him isn’t the same as being friends with him, Buffy. And although our fathers knew each other, they weren’t friends either. At best, the Wyndam-Pryces and the Gileses are acquaintances.”

Buffy arched an eyebrow at that. “So you don’t even like this guy?” she asked. “Why do you talk to him then? Didn’t you say you were in contact with him a lot?”

“Buffy,” Joyce warned, fixing her daughter with a pointed look. “You’re already grounded. If you don’t stop harassing Rupert, you’ll be grounded even longer.”

Buffy huffed, and resumed picking at her sandwich.

“If you must know,” Giles said with a slightly amused tone, “I contact him because, though I’m loathe to admit it, he is a very clever man, and sometimes he lends me books for my research.”

“Only you would read history books for fun, Giles,” Buffy mumbled, but there was a teasing quality to her voice.

Joyce rolled her eyes. “Anyway,” she stated pointedly, trying to steer the conversation back on track, “like Rupert said, we’ll be emailing some of the tutors this afternoon. We won’t pick anyone without speaking to you first, but you can’t just refuse everyone we suggest, am I clear?”

Buffy pouted at that, but nodded reluctantly. “Just don’t pick anyone weird,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “And nobody too... Bossy.”

Joyce said nothing at that, and Buffy dejectedly turned back to her lunch.

 It was early Saturday evening when Buffy heard a knock on her bedroom door. She’d been banished back to her room after lunch, and had been lounging on her bed staring at the ceiling.

“Buffy?” Giles called through the door. “May I come in?”

She sighed, and called out the affirmative, pushing herself into a sitting position just as the door opened. Giles slipped into the room with a slight smile, a sheaf of papers in hand.

“Thought I’d bring these up,” he said, holding the papers up and taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “It’s a list of potential tutors and a short biography each. Your mother and I want you to take a look through and pick out two or three that you like the sound of, and then we can contact them about scheduling some sessions.”

“Two or three?” Buffy asked, wrinkling her nose. “Are my grades really that bad?”

At her bewildered look, Giles couldn’t help giving her a fond, amused smile. “You only need the one tutor, Buffy. But it would help your mother and I if you picked a couple out so that we can arrange a taster session, if you will. If you pick one and you change your mind after your first session, we already have another tutor we can try.”

Buffy nodded slowly at the explanation, taking a moment to thumb through the pieces of paper. “There are a lot of names here,” she said after a moment, wide-eyed.

Giles sighed. “Just please don’t rush this,” he told her seriously. “It might be tempting to simply pick the first three, but part of the reason why UC Sunnydale has each of the student tutors include a biography is so that you can pick people you’ll actually get on with. So please take time to actually read through it all.” He stood then, and surveyed Buffy for a moment. “Your mother said to tell you dinner will be in an hour.”

“Which one are you gonna pick?” Faith asked as she scanned the list of tutors.

“Don’t know,” Buffy admitted with a shrug. “Giles wants me to pick a couple. You know, so we’ve got a couple of back-ups.”

Faith nodded. “Sounds good. Don’t wanna get stuck with a complete bore; they’ve gotta be able to hold your interest, you know?”

Buffy snorted. “Coming from the girl who encouraged me to skip class in the first place.”

At that, Faith held her hands up in surrender. “Hey, I didn’t like to see my girlfriend upset, so sue me. I thought you could do with getting out of there for a bit, having some fun.”

“I know,” Buffy sighed, looking apologetic. “I’m sorry, Faith. I just... I hate this whole thing, you know? Mom and Giles have convinced me that a tutor wouldn’t be a bad idea, and I agree, but I’ll still have to sit through history class...”

“Can’t you ask to switch classes?” Faith asked with a frown. “Come on, B, your step-dad literally works at the school. Why can’t you have him pull some strings and get you a different teacher?”

“Like Snyder would agree to that,” Buffy complained. “I’ll probably just have to suck it up and deal.”

Faith let out a loud sigh then, and clambered through the window to pull Buffy in for a hug. “We might not be able to get you a history teacher that doesn’t make you feel like crap, but at least we can find you an awesome tutor, right?”

Buffy hummed in agreement, settling into her girlfriend’s embrace. They stayed like that for a minute or so before reluctantly pulling away to sit on the bed.

“Have you looked through this yet?” Faith asked as she spread out the list of possible tutors.

“A bit,” Buffy nodded. “I looked through it before dinner, but I don’t really know what I’m looking for. They’re all history students; some professor friend of Giles gave him the list.”

Faith frowned as she surveyed the list of names. “Anya Jenkins,” she read aloud, before glancing up at Buffy. “Isn’t she the one who works at the Bronze?”

“I think so,” Buffy admitted. “I’m not sure whether to put her down. She seems a bit... Bossy.”

Faith tilted her head to one side as she considered that. “I get that,” she said after a moment. “But she might also be a good tutor. I mean, she helped you out at the Bronze after that guy was pestering you, and I get the impression she’s pretty smart.”

Buffy let out a sigh. “I suppose it’s worth a shot,” she murmured slowly. “But I still need to find at least another one or two tutors.”

Faith scanned a few of the other names on the list. “Hey, there’s someone called Angel on here, too. Angel O’Connor.” She grinned, looking up at her girlfriend. “Reckon that’s the guy from that awful band?”

Buffy frowned, and then shrugged. “I mean, how many people called Angel can there be in Sunnydale?” she pointed out.

“Well, we can put him on the list,” Faith said, reaching over to the bedside table for a pen to circle both Angel’s and Anya’s names. “He seemed nice enough. I just hope his tutoring is more successful than his band.”

At Faith’s smirk, Buffy let out a laugh. As Faith joined in with the laughter, neither of them heard the approaching footsteps outside the bedroom.

“Buffy?” The door suddenly swung open to reveal a confused Joyce. “You’re supposed to be in bed...”

Joyce trailed off at the sight of Buffy and Faith side by side on the bed. Both girls went wide-eyed, and Faith let out one last snigger.

“Uh, hi Joyce,” she managed, trying to school her facial expression.

“Faith,” Joyce greeted tensely. Her eyes darted to the open bedroom window as she realised how Faith had got into the house.

Buffy was still wide-eyed and regarding her mother in silence as more footsteps approached and Giles appeared behind Joyce’s shoulder.

“Joyce, what-” Giles asked, before trailing off at the sight in Buffy’s room. “Oh.”

As Joyce folded her arms across her chest, Faith leapt from the bed.

“I should really be going now,” she said quickly. “I’ll see you later, B.” She darted forward to kiss Buffy’s cheek before heading for the window.

“Faith,” Joyce spoke up with a sigh, “please use the door.”

One leg already out the door, Faith froze, blinked, and sheepishly pulled her leg back into the room. “Right. I’ll see you all later.”

As Faith hurried from the room, Buffy grimaced and reluctantly turned her attention back to her parents.

“So,” she began cautiously. “Just how much trouble am I in?”

[mysticalmindblog]

Dear friends, fellow humans on this extraordinary voyage called life; let's take a few moments to step out of ourselves and see the pointlessness of the worrying and stressing we allow our minds to endure so much in our lives - especially now with this COVID-19 situation globally...

First of all, let's be clear in regards to the distinction between 'Mindful Concern', and 'Overthinking / Panic / Worrying too much'.

Mindful Concern - is where you function at your best, efficiently processing facts from fiction, and taking actions based upon those facts to create a safer environment for yourself and loved ones to be able to thrive in. You could also say that this is actively tapping into the genetic 'self-preservation-instinct' and coupling it with higher-thinking.

Overthinking / Panic / Worrying too much - is where you allow your mind to become overwhelmed with fears of 'possible doom scenarios' whereby you exist in a constant state of vulnerability and heart-trembling nervousness, almost paralyzing you into a useless state-of-being.

Now, primarily the source of so much panic is the 'sensationalism' of much of what is being broadcast in the mainstream news. Yes, there is a deadly virus that has reached across the world, sickening many and killing some. This is a fact. However, if you closely examine the statistics, you will see that they pale in comparison with the results of other respiratory viruses that have been around for many many years. Not to take away from the seriousness of the COVID-19, but some critical thinking perspectives should be allowed.

If you were to be an ardent believer of the mainstream news, you would think the Apocalypse has arrived and humanity teeters on the edge of complete destruction. Sadly, this situation has been packaged as a narrative related to politics, globalism, and many other 'uncontrollable' factors. So much panic caused by sensationalizing the news creates such stupidities as hoarding toilet paper; which all started in Australia as a result of supply chain issues as most toilet paper in Australia is imported from... China. When this was first reported there, it was given such importance that people went berserk at the supermarkets emptying shelves and fighting for toilet roll. This then got picked up by global mainstream news and suddenly you had a global herd instinct rush on buying up all toilet rolls. The global mainstream news just 'omitted' saying the truth about why there was a rush on toilet paper in Australia, instead hyping it up sensationally as evidence that "The World is in a State of Viral Pandemic and toilet paper is an essential emergency need" --- Ridiculous.

This is why I say, you must mindfully be efficient in sorting truth from fiction. In reality, if you give it the consideration it deserves, how on Earth could toilet paper be such an emergency item? Hysteria over irresponsible news reporting. That's all.

The news networks globally are focused more on 'viewership statistics' for profitability than anything else - and this is nothing new, this has been and is the focus at the very core of them as corporate entities; and they are often wrong, having to issue retractions - or often 'spin' news narratives to suit their agendas. ~Just be aware of this as a fact the next time you turn on a news channel. You have to exercise some critical thinking and mindful concern in discerning what is credible and factual reporting. More often than not, when looking at the news with such mental measures, you will see a consistent thread of narrative influence to lead your thought processes in a direction that, given more contemplation, will seem quite ridiculous.

What I want to get across to you right now is to focus with mindful concern on you and your immediate environment. (HOME) I want you to empty out the clutter in your mind of confusing news reports, opinion pieces, and narratives - and instead focus on simply this question - How do I stay safe, sane, and functional in all of this..?

The answer..? Understand fully what you have control over, and what you do not have control over. Examples are: Sanitation at home. Sanitation when outside of home. Keeping track of local government safety and enforcement measures and following them. Mindfully keeping track of how much food and water you have stored, and need to get. Mindfully keeping track of your health, and the health of your family.

Additionally, set aside some time, and I am sure many of you have the time now with the global lockdowns, to Meditate. Too many associate Meditation with some old useless traditions from the Far East, and that is so incorrect.

It can simply be defined as "Meditation is a practice where an individual uses a technique – such as mindfulness, or focusing the mind on a particular object, thought, or activity – to train attention and awareness, and achieve a mentally clear and emotionally calm and stable state."

However, it can also be defined as simply being "The practice of quietening the mind by not focusing on any thought, concept, or activity." In essence, turning down the volume on the mind so that you are just simply consciousness with no active thinking - you simply - ARE. It is not that you 'forget' the suffering, the problems, the stress or anxieties' - but rather not think about them. It is like you go from the state of having a glass full of water (A mind full of dizzying worries and thoughts) to an empty glass (A mind where there is an absence of thoughts).

Reaching such a peaceful state of mind is tremendously rejuvenating for the body and brain. It is an art that has been practiced and perfected for thousands of years; even having clinical studies showing how beneficial it is for the organs of the body and physical longevity.

Meditation can be practiced not just sitting down in the Lotus position, but it can be practised anywhere, any time, whatever you are doing; because it is simply put - a quiet state of mind. It promotes powerful, efficient, critical thinking aka Mindfulness.

So, with the above in mind, I am going to include below an article I wrote in 2018 called "Why Worry?" which covers many aspects of how we humans get suckered into living a difficult mental state 24/7 by everything from processed foods to the stresses of social interactions. I hope it will be a blessing to you.

As for Meditation, enter it as a search term in YouTube for many good instructional videos, or Google to lead you to interesting articles on how to properly conduct sessions.

Be safe, be blessed.

----------------------------------

WHY WORRY..?

We are a species of worriers. We worry about practically everything. We even worry about worrying - someone told me just a few days ago, 'how much they worry about the amount of worrying they do', to which I replied by asking, "Does it help..?"

A very wise man who has since passed from this world once told me "If you worry, YOU WILL ONE DAY DIE. If you don't worry, YOU WILL ONE DAY DIE... So why worry..??"

Everyone goes through those times when they suddenly realize that a storm is going off inside their mind. Worry, upon worry, upon worry, and more worries, all stacked up in the mind like a mountain with no visible summit. It is a moment when it feels like the last scrap of sanity recoils from the rest of the consciousness in abject horror.

For some, that is the moment that they set about reaching for an alcoholic beverage, for others, they go for the pill bottle, or worse.

So, we are starting to see a process at work here: Worries + Time = Stress + Time = Brain Fog. OK, so hold that thought.

What else can cause brain fog..? Of course, failing to get enough sleep is a well known trigger, as well as the morning after a night out where copious amounts of alcohol are consumed. Surprisingly though, aside from these common sense facts, and that of stress, there are lesser known causes of Brain Fog.

Certain food allergies have been known to trigger chemicals in the brain that have a sedatory effect along with other more unpleasant symptoms. Furthermore a variety of food additives and even foods have been linked to inducing brain fog type effects. Chief among the food additives are MSG (Monosodium Glutamate) marketed as a flavoring agent and taste enhancer, is widely recognized as being a main culprit. And if you think you can avoid it, it can be very tricky because it has a variety of names. It can be in salad dressings, soups, canned vegetables, frozen lunches; you name it, it can be added. Here is a link that will provide you with the names that this nasty little food additive can hide under - http://www.msgmyth.com/Hidden_Names_for_MSG.pdf

Another one is an artificial sweetener known commonly as Aspartame. This has gotten more attention in recent years as many tests have been shown to prove that this additive can result in the early onset of Alzheimer disease. I recommend the following link for getting more information on what products contain this sweetener - http://deeprootsathome.com/products-contain-aspartame/

Peanuts, dairy products, pre-cooked foods, and even bacon, and a low vitamin B-12 intake have all been shown to result in chemical processes that affect the abilities of the brain in a negative fashion. And then of course, there is ALCOHOL. Yes, it's a lot to consider, a lot to look into and figure out what is in your diet that could be causing you grief, but please do it. It will be one, or a host of things less to worry about, right..?

Back to the Noisy Mind.

Worries + Time = Stress + Time = Brain Fog accompanied by all the uncontrollable noise in the mind, emotional swings, and anxieties. What is the secret then behind stopping worrying and obtaining a peaceful mind..? Well first off, it is not secret, just common sense. There is no way to stop the mind from thinking, however well you can control your thoughts, or however experienced you are with meditation. Thinking does not equate to worrying, yet worrying is all about thoughts, right..?

Without going too deeply into the dynamics of thoughts and thought responses, I will just say that you can discipline your mind to where you are able to observe a thought as it arises, not react to it, and allow it to pass while effectively turning down the volume so that as more thoughts arise, the drift past your awareness like a breeze clearing the morning mist.

The answer is Mindfulness; living fully in the moment you are in. Being wide awake and responsive in, and to, the very moment you are in - nothing more, nothing less. Mindfulness is the method used by meditation practitioners to achieve a very quiet and deep state of awareness while conscious. Meditation itself is literally mankind's most ancient way of 'getting away from it all'.

If you talk to any meditation practitioner, Yoga practitioner, Sadhu, Buddhist, Yogi, or practicing Hindu, they will all agree though that the same mindfulness practiced in meditation can be practiced in each waking moment of every day. It is ALL about LIVING IN THE MOMENT.

You see, 99.9% of our worries are connected to things in our past, and things possible in our future. Now here's the thing - the past cannot be changed, and the future hasn't arrived yet. It will, but not yet. It's coming. But you are in this moment, right now, here and now.

Does that mean I am telling you that to avoid brain fog, worries, anxieties etc. that you should just quit thinking about the past and the future..? NO. That is not possible, and would be disastrous. I am saying that you can efficiently put the past and the future into the correct perspectives so that you can be fully aware of the present moment unfolding before you, and be prepared for forthcoming moments by taking possible actions in the present.

A simple example would be: It is better to study now for a test tomorrow, rather than sit and worry about if you will pass the test or not.

The above example gives a definite knowledge of an event coming, which is the test, so it makes the process simple.

But what about an example like: 'I hope Philip doesn't come in to work tomorrow, if he does I know he is going to make my day hell in the office'. So, from this, the Thinker is worrying about something he has no control over (if Philip goes to work or not).

Just remember - you have control only over this moment, so control this moment with your 100% mindfulness. Worrying about things you have no control over leads only to disillusion and false expectations. Be mindful and present only in this very moment you are in, and take charge of it completely.

[hilarymp]

PET SEMATARY (2019) REVIEW

SPOILER WARNING! This review contains spoilers for Pet Sematary (2019), Pet Sematary (1989) and the novel.

    I’ll admit straight out of the gate that I went into Pet Sematary (2019) with a negative attitude. For whatever reason (one that I am still struggling to comprehend) the studio decided not only to make a rather large divergence from the source material’s plot, but to also spoil this “twist” in the trailer and promotional material. That alone was enough to convince me that this remake/reboot/reimagining/whatever the fuck you want to call it probably wasn’t going to win me over. So let’s discuss that first and foremost.

    I am not at all opposed to film adaptations making changes. Case in point, 2017’s new IT. IT and it’s miniseries predecessor are among some of my favorite horror films of all time, despite the fact that they were not 100% faithful to the novel, especially the more recent installment. For me changes are totally fine as long as they a.) maintain the spirit, themes, and tone of the original story and b.) make the film more frightening.

    With those rules in mind the change prominently displayed in the trailer for 2019’s Pet Sematary, the fact the Creed’s eldest child Ellie is the one who is killed and brought back from the dead instead of toddler Gage, already failed at rule b. Don’t get me wrong, any reanimated evil corpse is going to be scary, but why on earth would you deny us an evil murderous baby just to give us yet another creepy little girl. The ‘creepy little girl’ trope in horror is so tired and overused it makes my head hurt. The Ring, Orphan, The Exorcist, Silent Hill, The Shining, Alice Sweet Alice, The Bad Seed, Let the Right One In, Hereditary, Sinister, I could go on and on and on. The use of the trope isn’t inherently terrible, but why would you go out of your way to use it when something less used and much scarier (a straight up homicidal TODDLER) is an option? The simplest and most likely reason, in my opinion, was for convenience. Is directing a 2 year old more difficult to direct than an 11 year old? Yes, of course, obviously. But it’s definitely possible, as Mary Lambert proved while directing Miko Hughes as Gage in 1989. (Honestly, to this day I can not believe the performance she got out of that little boy.) So to me the change is not only a disservice to the film, but also an indication that the filmmakers were unabashedly lazy.

    So now that you know why I had set myself up for disappointment to begin with, let’s break down what the film succeeded at and how it failed.

    Whatever problems I have with the film, at least I can say that I loved the cast. John Lithgow was extremely endearing and likable. His performance as Jud was a refreshingly grounded and heartfelt departure from Fred Gwynne’s high camp in ‘89. Jason Clarke was as engrossing as ever. I always enjoy Clarke’s performances, and he often brings extra depth to characters that would have otherwise fallen flat (Dr. Price in ‘Winchester’ being a prime example). And Jete Laurance was nothing short of incredible. You would never expect that this little girl could transform into something to sinister so effortlessly. Her performance in the first half of the film is filled with such sweet sincerity, that her turn into undead Ellie is all the more frightening. Not as frightening as being terrorized by a little ankle biting toddler, mind you, but enjoyable nonetheless. ESPECIALLY compared to Ellie in the 89 film. Do you remember her? My God, she was so annoying. 

    Speaking of annoying, Amy Seimetz as Rachel was the only weak link in the cast. Instead of being deeply troubled and complex as Stephen King wrote her, Seimetz’s Rachel is so one dimensional that by the third or fourth time we see her crying, I wasn’t just unmoved, I was borderline irritated. ‘The weepy mother’ role in horror films are never especially fulfilling, but in this instance Rachel was meant to be much more than that. And the cheapening of the Zelda subplot doesn’t help matters either. 

    To me Zelda, Rachel’s late sister who suffered from spinal meningitis, was hands down the scariest part of the book and original film, so I was extra disappointed here. I’m fully aware that the character of Zelda is extremely problematic and portraying her as a monster is ableist as fuck. (Let’s be real, 99% of all Stephen King’s works are problematic but if we pull on that thread we’ll be here all day.) But the in the new film she is completely under utilized. Her appearances have been shrunk down to generic Conjuring-like jumpscares. Like most horror movies these days, the film relies on quick cuts, loud bangs, and obnoxious music cues to startle us instead of showing us anything particularly alarming. There is one prolonged sequence of incredible suspense, as Louis slowly walks through his basement in search of his daughters reanimated corpse, that filled me with so much dread that I was finally genuinely scared. Alas, *sad trombone*, it was undercut with a cheap jumpscare just like all the rest.

    On top of uninspired jumpscares, the filmmaking as a whole was ‘meh’ at best, especially the production design. The houses nearly hidden among the picturesque dense woods are definitely more visually interesting than the ones presented to us in ‘89. It also makes the danger of the nearby highway much more palpable, with the road being both closer to the house and more believably prone to accidents, with the thick foliage hindering the drivers’ ability to see. And the ‘pet sematary’ itself is serviceable enough, not much different from what we’ve seen before. But once we are taken beyond the dead fall to the cursed burial ground, the scope of the film shrinks drastically, making everything feel cramped and cheap like a paper mache Haunted house, even with cheap smoke machine effects to match.

    There are a lot of loose ends in the film as well, though it’s hard to tell if they were caused by the script or the editing. For instance, when Jud is explaining the burial ground to Louis, he mentions the wendigo that is suspected to be the source of the land’s power. But… that’s all he says about it. He doesn’t explain what a Wendigo is, what it does, or why it does it. If you’ve never read the book, or have never heard of a wendigo before, the word means nothing. Why bring up the Wendigo at all if you’re not even going to tie it into the lore properly. They could just have easily just said ‘cursed Indian burial ground’ (it in and of itself a tired trope, but still) and we would have just went with it. Another example is when undead Ellie is terrorizing Jud, she turns herself into Jud’s dead wife, and mentions that says something along the lines of “Your wife is “n hell for what you did to her before she died”. What? What the hell did he do? Why the fuck would you even put that out there with zero follow up?!

    Oh and let’s talk about Pascow. His role in the film is minimized so much, they might as well have left him out entirely. If I’m remembering correctly, late in the novel Pascow appears to Rachel urging her to come home. In the first film he appears to Rachel instead, who tells Rachel they need to come home. But in this film he appears to Gage. A toddler. Who can barely speak. Now as disturbing of a notion it is to have a very small child being haunted by such a gruesome image (and you all know how much I love disturbing shit), it’s also kind of pointless and dumb. If Pascow wanted to get Rachel to come home, why would he appear to Gage who, again, can’t talk, instead of just appearing to Rachel? One could argue that Gage’s crying and saying the name Pascow freaks Rachel out so much that it makes her want to go back, but you could just as easily say she left to get away from her memories of Zelda in her parents house, or the fact that Louis wouldn’t answer his goddamn phone

    We’re also missing out on some crucial motivations to explain Louis’ terrible decision making. No scene of Louis and the grandfather fighting at the funeral, no Louis being blamed for his child’s death, no knocking over of the casket. I might be biased since, for me, that sequence is one of the most upsetting moments of the 89 film. But on top of a missed opportunity to shock, it also takes away the debilitating guilt that motivates Louis to resurrect his child, despite knowing it won’t go well. The guilt is still vaguely implicit, but sometimes horror films need to explicitly illustrate cause and effect, if for no other reason than to keep the audience from screaming “Why the fuck would you do that!?” at the screen for 2 hours.

    Speaking of motivations, what are Ellie’s? What even is Ellie for that matter? The film can’t seem to make up its mind. Undead Ellie has Ellie’s memories, remembers how she died, and holds grudges against her parents for both her death and her resurrection. So there must be some part of the real Ellie in there, right? But when Rachel says “You’re not my daughter” undead Ellie agrees with her! So if it’s not really Ellie why does she keep trying to guilt and punish her parents? If she’s just an evil demon or spirit possessing Ellie’s corpse, you’d think it’d be glad that Louis was stupid enough to bury her up there. Free meat suit, hurray! The spirit clearly wants more bodies buried up there, seeing as it takes out the entire family just to bring them back like she was. Surely she just wanted to kill them all for funsies, right? Who the fuck knows. The screenwriter sure doesn’t appear to.

    Another super obnoxious thing about this film is it’s cheap fake-outs. It’s one thing to change iconic moments from the first adaptation, but constantly calling attention to it is another. Like the ominous close ups of Jud’s heel and him kicking the bed before Ellie gets him on the stairs. Yeah we get it. ‘The old movie had Gage under the bed, but watch out, we’re mixing stuff up in this one!’ Yup. Got it. Thanks for the reminder. Or the whole ‘Gage almost being hit by the truck’ fake out before Ellie is actually hit. This one is especially stupid since you already fucking showed us in the trailer that Gage isn’t going to die. Why even try to fake us out like that when we already know you’ve changed that too? You have successfully irritated and underwhelmed me, movie, no reason to draw more attention to it.

Here’s a quick list of some other petty little things that bugged me. These aren’t even necessarily the movie’s fault, some just come from the book itself.

If Rachel is so traumatized and adverse to talking about death, why the fuck did she marry an ER doctor?

You expect me to believe that Louis, pragmatic Louis who doesn’t even believe in an afterlife, would just follow Jud over the deadfall, through the woods, across a swamp and up a bunch of mysterious stone stairs, with zero explanation? No questions asked? I’d be asking “What the fuck are we doing?” about every couple of yards.

Why in god’s name would Rachel’s parents not only still live in the house where their daughter suffered and died, but also KEEP THE DUMB WAITER SHE DIED IN?

Why don’t movies ever address the fact that when you’re buried your eyes and lips are sewn or glued shut beforehand? And the scene where Louis is bathing Ellie and he sees the staples in her head and is all freaked out - wouldn’t she have huge fucking staples all across her chest and down her abdomen from the funeral home too??

    Despite my complaints, Pet Sematary isn’t completely devoid of entertainment value, not by a long shot. It’s not bad, it just could have been so so much better. Pet Sematary is riddled with missed opportunities,  and if you‘re an overly analytical jaded horror fan with a devotion to Stephen King like I am, they are much more obvious. I’m not mad, Pet Sematary, I’m just disappointed. To quote Tyra Banks, we were rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! You had so much potential, you just dropped the ball. Just like losing a loved one, there’s a mourning period that must be observed. Time to cope with the loss of what could have been. But rest assured, by the time you come out on blu-ray, I’ll be ready to try again.

[tellywoodtrash]

status update:

So, I got a few friendly, good-natured asks on how I was doing, and what’s up with my life (work, Chandler, etc.), so I suppose this is as good a time to tell everyone: I quit my job earlier this week.

Early followers of the blog may be aware that this blog started as an attempt to find some kinda peace during some very trying times in my life. Since then, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends (I guess, in some kinda misguided attempt to move on with life) and... it’s finally caught up with me. I’m fucking exhausted and at a breaking point. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. ('Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically.' Name that movie!) And so, I'm giving myself a break and am going to be taking some time off to focus on my mental health.

However, this hasn’t been an easy decision to make, as it means bye-bye financial independence and my ~~riproaring Sex And The City life (snort, NOT) and that I will now have to pack up my entire life and leave the country I (and Chandler!) call home. So the next few days will be even rougher; full of transition and second-guessing myself. But in the long run, I think I need to do this now before things get much worse.

Poor Chandler has no idea what’s coming up; that he’s about to be unceremoniously stuffed into a box and flown many thousand miles to a whole new country, with strange new smells and creatures (including my relatives who will want to come around every now and then and friendly-ly harass our socially anxious butts.) I just hope we both survive this move!

As for what it means for the blog, it’ll mostly be business as usual, I suppose. I will have more free time, but it’s going to be invested in moving, and settling in, and recovery (first I have to recover from the moving and settling in, and only then can I focus on *actual* recovery) so... I’ll do as much as I can. Yes, there's lots of new shows, most of them better than IB, and I might wanna watch them too, but.... idk, I don't seem to have it in me right now to get invested in a whole... new.... thing. We'll see once I'm properly settled into a restful routine where I don't feel so battered in the brain. On the plus side, moving to India means proper access to Hotstar and Sony Liv and alllllllll the platforms; I won’t have to jump through hoops and diddle around with VPNs to access what I wanna watch! Yaaaaaaay!

There are a few things blog-wise that I just have to address though, because they’re srsly stressing me out a lot lately:

Messages asking me to explain WHY stakeholders in the industry (actors, makers, the channel) make the decisions they do. Bhai main kahan un sab ke ghar ya boardroom mein ghussi baithi hoon, ki mujhe pakka pata hoga???? All I can do is speculate like the rest of you. Which is what I do. I look at the facts that I do have (social media posts, TRP reports, etc.) and put out MY theory. But it’s all it is. A theory. I do not have any kind of information that you also do not have access to. Asking me to explain the inner workings of complete strangers' minds is just nonsensical. I do not have the complete information based on which I can give you an accurate answer. So please just stop asking me these. At this point, idek why *I* do half the things I do, let alone have any surety of anyone else’s decisions.

Complaints. Look, all of us have complaints about the shitshow that is IB, and the Tellywood industry at large, and its affairs both off-screen and on-screen. But just think of my plight when news breaks/an episode airs and I get like 10 anons in an hour, most of which are filled with cribbing. OVER SOMETHING I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL. You have all the right to complain, sure, but not IN MY INBOX. I only publish about 30 - 40% of the asks that I actually do receive, and because of that you may think that you’re the only person sending in this to me; but trust that more often that not, you’re not. I most probably have already received least 5 messages about it, in varying degrees of negative, and it’s exhaaaaaausting for me to wade through it all.

"Asks” that are just STATEMENTS, with no real question to them. I get these and whether I agree with your statement or not, my only reaction is “.... haan, toh???” What really is the point of these? I have nothing to contribute to them. It’s just YOU deciding that your opinion is sooooooo important that you must come tell ME it. In my inbox. On anon. Which is not just stupid, but also RUDE af. What you're doing is the equivalent of going and ringing the doorbell of a stranger's house and monologuing in their face about a random topic when they open the door. Like, I literally did not ask?????? Especially since you’re on anon and I have absolutely no personal equation with you. By having an open inbox, I didn't consent to being the receptacle of every opinion wrt Tellywood under the sun. Like, the whole point of this blog is so I can shout MY dumbass opinions into the void that is the internet without bothering anyone else about things they might not care about/agree with. Anyone who follows/engages with me is here by THEIR choice. Why don’t you do the same? Go make your own blog, instead of using mine. There’s only place for one person here on this blog, and that’s me. Please read your messages before sending them and ask yourselves: Does my tone/content leave anything open for discussion? (FYI: Just putting a question mark at the end of a sentence does not make an engaging question that opens up a discussion.) What contribution am I inviting from the recipient with this message? If the answer is “no”/"nothing", then please don't send it.

The rise of combative and contrary asks; ones that don't come out of a genuine curiosity, but with the intent to mindlessly argue, talk in circles without a point and overall, and just belittle the opinions I’ve expressed by engaging in whataboutery. There's a point at which "healthy discussion" ends, and "debating" starts, and I’m not here to engage in Debate Hour. The open askbox (or replies function) is NOT an invitation to pick at ONE sentence of some post (often missing the context; those other sentences are there for a reason y'know) and demand explanations from me, for which I have to then bend over backwards to clarify to some random faceless person on the internet. Not only does it take tremendous amounts of time and energy (for what is largely a pointless endevour: these people aren't really here to have an exchange of ideas or even try to see my point of view, they're just trying to force THEIR contrary opinion ON me), it really sucks the joy out of the blog for me. Look, I am not an idiot. I can correlate writing patterns and associate them with previously seen comments/opinions and make educated guesses on who these may be coming from. I've been holding off on blocking anyone yet, but these comments and asks have me seriously considering it. (And FYI: blocking an anon blocks you via IP address. So don't think ki 'oh ho ho, I can just hide under the anon function, coz that has no consequences.' All you'd be doing is proving my guesses right, as to who is whom.) I don't WANT TO go to such extents, and want this still to be a place where people can approach me, but this gross disrespect of my time and boundaries is beginning to wear on me now. Before coming at me, please think to yourself if what you're saying is actually necessary. If it's just a passive-aggressive counter-argument to my opinion that's all conjecture/opinion (i. e. things without factual basis and based on feelings) then please; you're very welcome to whatever you believe, but I don't care. If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it. If I care for your opinion, I will engage with your posts (by liking or commenting or reblogging or sending you my love in your inbox.) I just really really don’t care what anyone's opinion ON MY OPINION is. Please stop being contrary just the sake of it and ruining my day and mood. Go chronicle your opinions on your blog/twitter/whatever, instead of using MY blog as a platform and arm-twisting me into participating in this unpleasant exchange. I just don't have have the energy or interest to engage in this fuckery anymore.

Look you guys, I love getting stuff in the askbox. I do. If I didn’t, I’d just have closed the askbox and called it a day. I’m just asking that you be a little THOUGHTFUL about the recipient, me, AS AN ACTUAL LIVING PERSON WITH FEELINGS AND A LIMITED AMOUNT OF ENERGY AND TIME, instead of some kinda faceless robot who just processes your messages in binary and spits out an answer. Before engaging, please re-read your message to consider your tone and content and the impact on the person on the other end. Despite this request, if you just decide to engage in the above mentioned ways, I’m sorry in advance if you end up getting blocked; but things have reached a point where I have to look out for myself, and my comfort, and what I want from this space. I would like this blog to be source of joy in my (and others’!) life, not something that I feel resentful about, or as a source of draining what little energy I have left.

Sooooooo, that’s how it is! Things should be the same around here barring some periods of inactivity occasionally due to moving/spotty internet (but the queue should be running anyway.) A lot less negativity and gloom, hopefully! Wish me (and Chandler!!!!!) luck and please send us all your good, restful, soft and fluffy vibes!

(The restful slumber of a poor fluffy bastard who has NOOOOOOOOO idea of what the next few weeks have in store for him.)

[evenstevensranked]

#28: Season 2, Episode 16 - “Wombat Wuv”

Louis is infatuated with the new cheerleading coach, so he decides to become the school mascot in an extremely farfetched attempt to win her over. Meanwhile, Ren becomes a cheerleader and goes into pep overdrive.

We start this episode at cheerleading practice where we see that Ren is a cheerleader now...? Okay. The girls are getting ready to welcome Ms. Morgan, the new cheer coach. Louis and Twitty are nearby and play the most immature but hilarious prank on Ren. She goes to do a split and Louis sets off a fart noise. Okay.. As I typed that sentence, I was overcome with juvenile cringe. But the noise is so perfectly timed and Louis gets such a kick out of it that I can't even be mad.

Eventually, Ms. Morgan appears and Louis has an out of body experience. Literally. His soul leaves his body and does an interpretive dance for this woman. It's a very memorable moment. He's seriously in awe of her beauty. I love how Twitty wasn't even phased by her, though? Louis was all "DUDE WHO IS THAT?!??" And Twitty said "Eh, idk... some lady" omg.

Louis’ transparent soul leaving his body to express his feelings in the most random way possible. Only on this show, man. 

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in addition to seeing that Ren is suddenly a cheerleader now.. we also see that she’s kinda terrible at it. So, how in the world did she make it onto the squad in the first place??? This is a question that always pops into my head every single time I watch this episode. Then, without fail, I always breathe a strange sigh of relief when the writers actually bother to explain the situation through dialogue between Louis and Twitty! Louis casually says that Ren needs the credit for her resumé to show she has school spirit or something... which actually makes sense. A lesser show would’ve made Ren be a cheerleader for this one episode with no explanation whatsoever. But, still. I find it hard to believe they'd just let her on the team for a reason like that. You have to at least be physically capable! Which Ren clearly is not:

If ya couldn’t tell, she’s the one in the middle causing the entire group to collapse. 

They fall on Kenny the mascot guy -- who you can see was totally out of the line of fire, but purposely threw himself on the ground because the plot demanded it. He quits on the spot and now our story truly begins. Louis gets the bright idea to swoop in and save the day by taking over the mascot gig. He immediately sees this as an opportunity to basically start dating Ms. Morgan. Lawd help me honeychild. YOU'RE 13, LOUIS. It’ll be difficult to have a relationship with Ms. Morgan when she’s busy spending time in prison. 

Louis goes to Ms. Morgan's office and she talks to him in such a sweet and sultry voice which is probably the worst thing she could do in this situation. Louis' heart is beating so loud, he's able to pass it off as some ruckus going on outside. Wow.

Later that day, Tawny sees him with the mascot suit and assumes he stole it for fun. I love how she says "You should’ve told me! I would've done it with you!" Look at these lil rebels over here! They're so cute. Tawny looks extra goth here too which is awesome, lol. Louis tells her that he's the new mascot. She’s so shocked she shoves him against the lockers, and Shia does the greatest scream here!!! You can see him laughing a bit. I love it. Unfortunately, part of Louis' ugly side comes out right around here. He starts totally blowing Tawny off now because there's a ~new woman~ in his life. He cancels plans with her because he has mascot practice and cryptically won't explain why he took the gig in the first place. "It's just something I had to do" - Wow, Louis. The Dramatics™.

I just had to include a screenshot of Tawny’s outfit. Black Doc Martens and some peasant flowy gothy dress. Yes. (This was a fast-motion bit, so this is the best cap I could get)  

Louis calls Twitty over for an emergency meeting after school. Idk why but I think it's hilarious how Twitty comes jogging into his room out of breath lol. "I ran all the way over here, what's the emergency?" Friendship goals honestly. Needless to say, Twitty is less than impressed when Louis confesses "I'm in love with Ms. Morgan." Twitty can see right through the infatuation and knows that Louis is living in lalaland. But according to Romance For Boneheads, (a total "For Dummies” knockoff) he has the classic symptoms of a man in love. 

It's pretty adorable to see Louis all worked up like this, but kinda sad at the same time because this is obviously not going to end well. Twitty suggests "Maybe you just ate some bad bean dip" which is so funny to me, like.... what.

Louis continues ranting about how perfect Ms. Morgan is and says "I think we'd be a fun couple" as he gazes out his window and we get the most ridiculous daydream ever I can't even deal with this. He and Ms. Morgan are returning from a vacation to the Bahamas. Louis randomly starts playing mini bongos (the same ones that are on his windowsill actually! I never noticed that before!) and Ms. Morgan dances around him. Eileen concurs “You two are a fun couple.” Gotta love how his parents approve even though Louis IS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD and Ms. Morgan is definitely at least 30 lol. EDIT: I just checked. The actress was 36 here! omg.

I love how they made sure Eileen and Steve look somewhere between happy and highly disturbed. Fun fact: This episode was actually directed by Donna Pescow! So... perhaps these facial expressions were her own idea lol. 

Louis starts drooling at the thought and we see THE RETURN OF THE ANNOYING CGI TONGUE FROM GET A JOB. 

Seriously. Who thought that was a good idea? It just looks awful and so out of place. Y'all know by now how I feel about this surreal stuff they randomly throw in. It just feels weird to me. Anyway, Louis reveals that his master plan is to go to mascot bootcamp and make Ms. Morgan fall in love with him. Easy peasy! Louis is one confident guy, sheesh! Twitty immediately asks "Wait. What about Tawny, dude?" Awwwww. Then we get one of the greatest moments ever. Louis tries to say he thoroughly explained everything to her and that she fully understands, but a flashback to that moment paints a very different picture:

“Thoroughly explained”? Yeah, not so much. Tawny is so confused, haha. (gif credit)

Cut to Wacky Walter’s Mascot Bootcamp! Where a bunch of mascots come together and learn techniques such as “the basic booty shake” and sizzling on the ground like a strip of bacon.

What school would have a cow for a mascot? 

Louis has basically found his calling at mascot bootcamp. Wacky Walter was seriously impressed so he decides to give Louis his old jetpack. Yeah, let's just give this 13 year old kid a dangerous, fire powered means of transportation. Good idea. Someone shut this guy down! Have I mentioned that Louis is 13 years old? 

After a successful day at bootcamp, Louis excitedly rushes into Ms. Morgan's office to tell her about the jetpack thing and how he plans to fly around at the pep rally later on... And one of the greatest moments of the entire series happens. THE MORGAN UNIBROW IS REVEALED!!! This is absolutely iconic. Nothing beats this series of Louis Stevens faces. My favorite quote has gotta be “OH YA SHAVE IT, DO YA?!” Here it is in all its glory: 

Since Louis was under the impression Ms. Morgan was a flawless goddess, he cannot handle this flaw of hers... like, at all. So he quits being the mascot and gives her some lame excuse. Eventually, the two of them have a little heart to heart and he confesses the real reason. It's a touching moment. It’s sorta cringy, but I can’t help but laugh when Louis admits: "I wanted to hang out with you. Well..... actually more than that" oh my god. Ms. Morgan tells him that he'll find someone who's just right for him. Louis says “I found her. But I think I messed that up too” in reference to Tawny. I’m dead. So sweet. Yay for Louis/Tawny development!!!

Louis then makes a poor attempt at making up with Tawny and she flat out calls him a jackass. Yes. A JACKASS. On Disney Channel. Holy crap, guys. Tawny is the freaking best honestly. She won’t put up with Louis’ bs for a second and it drives him insane. Dats love. It’s great.

Oh, god! I forgot about Ren's subplot! I’m the worst. Okay. Basically, the other cheerleaders think that Ren isn't perky enough. They encourage her to find her "perky place" and let's just say, Ren goes overboard. She starts cheering for everything. Algebra, the mail, and even her laundry. It's so bad that Steve has to do a mini-intervention. Dang. Once she’s aware of how stupid cheering seems, she starts to think that cheerleading is pointless. Ren shares her negative feelings with the squad before the pep rally and all of the cheerleaders get super depressed. Ren was literally telling the girls that their cheering does no good at all in the grand scheme of life and that they shouldn’t do it anymore. I never understood this, because when they go out to do their routine Ren is still putting in the effort to be extra peppy! It’s almost like she set them up so she’d be the only one who looks good. I never got that. Am I missing something? EXPLAIN!

The lack of spirit from the cheerleaders spreads a wave of depression across the entire gym. Oops. It's so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Ms. Morgan tries her best to rally up the crowd but is failing miserably. She gets one kid to do the wave with her... that’s about it.

Twitty tells Louis “Dude, your ex-girlfriend throws one lousy pep rally” which is pretty funny. Louis decides to save the day once again and puts Wacky Walter’s jetpack to use. He comes running out in costume ready to fly around. Ren screams “HEY, EVERYBODY! LOOK! IT’S THE WOMBAT!!” which sounds so ridiculous like the kind of melodramatic dialogue from movies in the 1930s and 40s -- where the actresses are ~so passionate~ they always sound one breath away from passing out. It makes me laugh.

Louis flies around to some royalty-free “Rocky” theme rip-off before he comes violently crashing down (and lands in a convenient pile of pompoms) because he’s 13 and shouldn’t be trusted with a jetpack -- especially indoors. 

Tawny takes care of him right away and she’s about to get the nurse when Louis stops her “Tawny, don’t leave. I have to tell you something. You have..... the two most beautiful eyebrows I’ve ever seen” - How precious is that?! Tawny’s brows would unfortunately not be on fleek by today’s standards though. You need to have freaking caterpillars on your face these days. Funny how styles change. BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. That eyebrow line was such a cute and clever thing to say!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The cheerleaders kick Ren off the squad, which is good news for Ren because she wanted to quit. As she walks away from them, the girls do this catchy cheer: “She’s going! Bye bye, farewell, adios, hey hey!” This always gets stuck in my head. 

That’s it! I like this episode a lot. Louis learns the age old lesson of “nobody’s perfect” -- a message Hannah Montana would later drill into our memories for all eternity. It’s really nice. There’s Louis/Tawny content here, so this episode is already winning. It’s just pretty iconic overall imo. Ren’s plot is pretty cute, too! I don’t even know what to say in this little summary paragraph because all of the episodes at this point in the list (#29 - #20) are all solid episodes leaning towards positive for me instead of neutral like most of the episodes in the #50s - #30s.

Thanks for reading!

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[will-you-be-my-savior]

about 08/13/18

i just realized the asks from the 13th got deleted some how. 

Anonymous asked:

Has anything interesting happened lately?

Tord: Not much. Though Tom said his “Big Project” was almost done.

Tom: Almost.

Matt: Can I see?!

Tom: Sure Princey.

Tord: OH COME ON!

I’m curious about something. Why isn’t anyone asking about tom’s “project”? I’ve mentioned it before but no one has said anything.

Anonymous asked:

Alright. Hey does anyone have any ideas about Toms project is?

Tord: Everyone knows! Except me it seems! Princey keeps giggling every time I ask too! Which is starting to piss me off!

Matt: *giggle*

Tom: Shh don’t tell him!

Matt: Right!

Tord: … I hate both of you so much right now.

Anonymous asked:

If it helps, we don’t know too much about the project either

Tom: I’d tell you if you asked.

Tord: No that does not help! I’ve been asking for almost a week and i’m still out of the loop! You ask once and already he’s willing to tell you! I just want to scream at this rate!

Anonymous asked:

Hey Matt, can you tell us what Tom is working on?

Matt: Now that I’ve left the room, sure! Null is building Red this whole… thingy! It’s red and awesome and spiky! He’s calling it the “Suit”!

Anonymous asked:

But if it’s spiky how will he give hugs in it??

Matt: That’s a silly question. Only the top is spiky and they’re wide enough apart so that he won’t stab anything. But it’s not really meant for hugging in. Null said it was made to make him “do-able” and “moo-bi-el”! so he can keep up with us better!

Anonymous asked:

I guess it’s just too much for your little mind to handle tordie

Tord: Do not mock me… *glare*

Tom: You don’t have to be an ass.

Anonymous asked:

I mean, why else wouldn’t they be telling you anything about it?

Tord: Oh… OH You’re trying to make me paranoid! that’s hilarious! *cackle*

Tom: That is kinda funny. But no, he most certainly could understand every mechanism i’m putting together.

Anonymous asked:

Maybe he can understand the technological bits of it but can he understand something with as big a purpose as this? Or would it go over his head?

Tord: Wait… YOU KNOW?!! Damn it, Matt!

Tom: Hush. I would have told them too. They may even be bluffing. And no it would not go over anyone’s head.

Anonymous asked:

Maybe they could be making it to run away or even overturn your plans, who knows what they’re planning to do with it

Tom: How do you know I’m not? *smirks at anon*

Tord: If they are I’m doomed no matter what and I accept my fate. Fighting it would only lead to suffering.

Anonymous asked:

So you just accept that they’ll leave you? And you’d just let them overthrow your plans and ruin all the progress you’ve made in taking over the world?

Tord: You make it sound like I’d be happy or something. I’m just aware that there is nothing I COULD do to stop them and know better then to get myself brutally murdered for trying.

Tom: It wouldn’t be brutal.

Tord: Thank you… I think.

are you anons trying to mess with their heads? trying to use their relationships won’t do that. trying a more PERSONAL approach might bring better results.

Anonymous asked:

I suppose you won’t even be able to stop them, will you, especially when you don’t even put up a fight when they leave you for dead, unfortunate how your dream to improve the world, which you’ve worked so hard on, is really so fragile. They don’t even have to make an effort to shatter it

Tord: You’re right, but you’re also wrong. I wouldn’t be able to stop them, whether or not I fought back wouldn’t change a thing though. My “dream” as you call it is fragile and truly difficult to achieve, but probably not for the reasons you think. My goals would mean nothing to me without these two by my side. They are what make this war worth fighting for.

Tom: That was cheesy as fuck.

Tord: Oh shut up.

Tom: I can’t believe you actually meant that.

Tord: I said shut up! *throws paper ball*

Anonymous asked:

Well your real dream isn’t even that big, is it? And even more fragile, entirely in the hands of those you’ve betrayed, it’s inevitable for them to leave, you should really choose to strive for goals that are more realistic

Tom: Okay first off, what the fuck are you talking about!? Second that wasn’t him! I know that and so does Matt! And lastly, I ain’t goin’ nowhere!

Tord: Hey, it’s oka-

Tom: Shut up and let me defend you!

Tord: … Alright then.

you guys are thinking way too big. if you’ve read the chapters then you’ve seen what sets them off.

Anonymous asked:

Aren’t you? He’s left you, he’s hurt you, you’ve even left before, why not do it again, be free, maybe you won’t even take Matt with you, maybe you’ll leave him to fend for himself. I wouldn’t blame you, you’re mostly a monster and the rest, a drunk

Tom: …

Tord: … You’re an ass.

Tom: They aren’t wrong…

Tord: They are wrong, you just can’t see it sometimes.

Tom: You said I’m a drunk before…

Tord: Yeah and I was wrong, you’re trying to quit. You aren’t a monster and you aren’t a drunk.

Tom: …

Anonymous asked:

The three of you really aren’t compatible at all, it surprises me that Tords still alive at this point, I’d’ve gotten tired of being cooped up all the time and gotten rid of him. Congratulations on your patience, but what’s the point of waiting now? Even if he’s dead you can take any resources he’s been providing you, even without killing him, he’s gone so soft you could get anything you wanted out of him, why not exploit that a bit, go have some fun!

Tom: you don’t understand…

Tord: you’re completely correct except for one fact, I have most certainly not gone soft.

Anonymous asked:

Hah, feebly trying to defend yourself won’t work Tordie~ you’re the softest person here, don’t you remember when you’d kill to get what you wanted? Your most extravagant performance almost got rid of the so called “friends” you now cherish, I miss that, but it seems I have to turn elsewhere to be entertained now

Tord: That wasn’t me. I don’t need to defend myself when I did nothing to warrant defense.

Tom: …

(you’re so so close to setting him off yet so so very far -mod x)

Anonymous asked:

How was that not you? Tom, Matt, even Edd saw you, you even remember doing it don’t you? You have the consequences displayed there on your face, don’t you?

Tord: Just because my hands were used does not mean I was the one using them.

Tom: I could crawl into your skin, pull you out, make you watch, rip, shred, kill…

Tord: … Holy shit.

(i remind you “Harpoons” -mod x)

Anonymous asked:

Did you get scared off by Toms moment of adrenaline? I’ll admit, he’s still a decent aim in a pinch, though It’s obviously not perfect, it could’ve struck right through your chest, then you I suppose you wouldn’t be soft now!~

… i think i know what you were going for and yes that would have done it, but that last bit just really confuses me… “ then you I suppose you wouldn’t be soft now!” what is that supposed to be saying? try re-sending it but maybe edit that bit. -mod x

spooncryptid asked:

Did you get scared off by Toms moment of adrenaline? I’ll admit, he’s still a decent aim in a pinch, though It’s obviously not perfect, it could’ve struck right through your chest, then you’d have never become so soft and boring~

Tom: What?

Tord: …

Tom: What are they talking about? What do you mean by “decent aim”?

Tord: …

Tom: I haven’t held a gun in years. The last time I had to aim anything was wh-

Tord: …

Tom: … No… no I… I didn’t… did I? no. no! nonononononoNONONO! TORD TELL ME I DIDN’T! JUST SAY I DIDN’T!

Tord: …

Tom: … no…

(Tom and Tord are temporarily unavailable for questions)

spooncryptid asked:

Oopsies, looks like I’ve revealed myself

holy shit spoon!? was it you this entire time?!

spooncryptid asked:

Yep, not only do I spam you with likes, I also spam you with angst! Yay!

… i am thoroughly impressed. but also kinda irritated. though i really shouldn’t be when i helped.

spooncryptid asked:

Anyways, Matt’s unguarded, should I eat him?

… you can try… i’d rather you not… but you can try. (it would be harder then you think)

spooncryptid asked:

Mm, well while the others are busy let’s hang out with Matt, hey Matt, The bois are fine and I did nothing wrong, dyou like candy?

Matt: I’m not that much of an idiot. Yes I like candy. What did you do?

spooncryptid asked:

Nothing bad!~ do you want some licorice?

Matt: I can hear lies… no, Mag told me “never take candy or drinks from strangers.”

spooncryptid asked:

Well we don’t have to be strangers! You can call me Spoon if you like!

Matt: What did you do?

spooncryptid asked:

I don’t know what you’re talking about

Matt: … I’m gonna go check on them.

(told you it’d be harder then you think. he’s forgetful, not stupid. -mod x)

spooncryptid asked:

So you don’t want licorice, how about Swedish fish? Those are one of my favorites

Matt: *ignoring spoon*

spooncryptid asked:

Would you believe me if told you it wasn’t really me?

Matt: Maybe, if you actually believed that yourself.

spooncryptid asked:

Why believe Tord and not me?

Matt: What makes you any more trustworthy then him? I already told you I hear lies. What more do you need?

spooncryptid asked:

Ah yes, sniffing out my lies like a little bloodhound, amazing

Matt: More like a bat but that works I guess.

spooncryptid asked:

Guess you’ve figured out my evil scheme //sigh// ..dyou want a Swedish Fish?

Matt: Not from you.

(Matt has reached Tom and Tord. everything you worked for will have been pointless in 1 hour real time. Matt is now temporarily closed for questions)

spooncryptid asked:

Mm, Pau and Pat are open for asks, right?

yes. are you going to be the first to direct questions at them?

spooncryptid asked:

I mean who else is gonna eat these Swedish Fish with me?

… no one will eat the Swedish fish. if i’m being honest they make me sick ever since i was little and ate a huge bag of them all at once. every time you mention them i feel nauseous.

spooncryptid asked:

Aw gee, sorry, I’ll switch to uhh M&ms?

if you wanna. (they still aren’t gonna eat it for fear it’s poisoned)

dudawakmax asked:

HOLY HELL WHAT HAPPENED HERE? MY PANIC ATTACK WASN'T EVEN SO LONG! MAIS QUE PORRA?!?!?

… a lot… mostly spoon.

dudawakmax asked:

Omg, the poor beans!!! Did they hurt them to much? Oh for the lords from hell and heaven I hope not

they sent Tord into a flashback, tom into a panic attack and they made matt paranoid. you be the judge here i’m biased.

spooncryptid asked:

Hey, mr eyebrows, you want some free candy?

Pau: I find that mildly offensive. No.

spooncryptid asked:

Well that’s boring, what am i gonna do with all these m&ms?

Pau: that’s your problem.

spooncryptid asked:

It’s funny to imagine me as the cat thing in my icon doing all this

i’m just imagining your old one.

spooncryptid asked:

Pwease?? Just one, mistew?

Pau: yeah, no.

dudawakmax asked:

I want to help them so much but they will probably just look at me weird... I think I'm, I'm just gonna leave this here... *leave a cozy blanket* Sorry...

Matt: thank you. that actually helped a bit.

spooncryptid asked:

Mmm maybe mr patty cakes will want some

Pat: no, thank you.

spooncryptid asked:

I’m just an annoying cat sitting on your shoulder and chewing on your ear or screaming most of the time

i already have one of those in real life and no matter how much i love her i do not need a second.

spooncryptid asked:

Wow I’ve been rejected guess I’ll cry in the corner like the baby that I am

… i just don’t like being licked.

spooncryptid asked:

That was directed at pat but I guess it works cuz either way I’m a fussy baby that no one likes lol

Pat: I don’t like being licked.

spooncryptid asked:

I will lick you mistew patty cake

Pat: and i’ll shoot you freaky demon cat. try it.

(he’s smiling while he points the gun at you…)

spooncryptid asked:

Guns don’t kill me I just eat the bullets

Pat: … I’m gonna go find Tom. Maybe if I ask nicely enough he’ll eat you.

spooncryptid asked:

No you don’t need to find Tom or anyone, they’re doing just fine, he actually threatened to kill me already hahah

Pat: … What… Did… You… Do…

spooncryptid asked:

I didn’t do anything other than be threatened as I just told you

Pat: liar.

spooncryptid asked:

Ok fine, I may have offered a few other people candy as well, you caught me

Pat: don’t play coy with me you little rat! WHAT DID YOU DO?!

spooncryptid asked:

Wow, rat? That hurt my feelings, I don’t know if I want to be friends with you anymore

Pat: act like vermin and be called vermin.

everyone is available for asks. tread carefully.

Anonymous asked:

Hey, is everyone alright?

Tom: …

Tord: …

Matt: … we… we could be better…

Anonymous asked:

Is there anything we can do to try and make it better?

Tom: …

Tord: …

Matt: i don’t know… i don’t know what to do myself.

dudawakmax asked:

I think we should give them a break! Like, I don't know, you guys can go out, have a picnic, or whatever you want to, get a good night of sleep, and we will let you rest! What does it sound like to you?

Matt: you could… but this was done intentionally so what are the chances the person who did it isn’t gonna come back and start all over again?

Tom: they always come back…

Matt: Tom!

Tord: …

dudawakmax asked:

Tom! Its not healthy to think that way!

Tom: But they do…

Matt: Not always, and it’s not always a bad thing when they do come back! Tord came back! That was good right?

Tom: *nods*

Tord: …

spooncryptid asked:

I don’t even know who Vermin is, why are you bullying me??

vermin as in pests like rats. like i said pat don’t take shit. you pissed him off so he went for the metaphorical ball shot.

dudawakmax asked:

Things do get better Tom. You just need to believe in it

Tom: better… then worse… then better… then worse…

Matt: oh…

Tord: …

spooncryptid asked:

Yknow what mr patty cake, you’re being rude and I don’t like you, I’m gonna go.. cry? Or something, I guess

Pat: …

(pat thinks you act like a spoiled child. he pities you)

dudawakmax asked:

It may be this way. But sometimes things get better.... And better... And better. I know its hard, but I swear to you things get better. And you have your friends with you. I'm sure they'll help you no matter what.

Tom: …

Matt: Thank you duda but I don’t thi-

Tord: Better…

Matt: Tord!

Tord: Better like… finding tom… like being his friend again…

Matt: *slack jawed*

Tord: Like getting Matt back… like… this.

Tom: Better like this…

Matt: yes. YES! SO MUCH BETTER!

spooncryptid asked:

If you really pitied me you’d eat an m&m

Pat: I feel pity, I’m not suicidal.

spooncryptid asked:

It’s not like they’re poisoned or anything, I got em from the guy in the big white van

Pat: … why did i ever feel threatened by you?

dudawakmax asked:

Um... (Idk what else to say :P)

Matt: you’ve done more than enough! thank you sooooo much.

Tom: maybe you aren’t so bad… duda was it?

Tord: maybe we misjudged you.

spooncryptid asked:

I don’t know but I’ve gotten two death threats in the time that I’ve been here, which is a new record for me

Pat: you’re an idiot… but a harmless one.

dudawakmax asked:

Just trying to help, I know it feels terrible, and don't want anyone else to feel bad

Matt: thank you!

Tom: yeah.

Tord: what they said.

(aw they are blushing!)

spooncryptid asked:

I guess I’ll just eat all these m&ms by myself cuz no one else wants any

it’s not that they don’t want any, (Pau has a massive sweet tooth) they just can’t trust any food given as gifts. Tom is the only one immune to poisons so the others have to be really careful.

dudawakmax asked:

*jazz music stops* whAT!?!?! (This is way to cute. My little fangirl heart can't take this much of adorable characters)

Tom: And they ruined it.

Tord: Don’t be an ass.

Matt: I missed this.

dudawakmax asked:

Sowy! I just couldn't lose the chance ;)

Tom: it’s fine.

Tord: yeah, we wouldn’t be us if we weren’t fighting about something.

Matt: *pleased humming*

spooncryptid asked:

Anyways, you seem cool patty cake, but you called me a rat so now you’re my enemy, watch out for stray banana peels on the floor

Pat: … like i said, harmless idiot.

spooncryptid asked:

Bye bye! //waddles away and climbs into a trash can//

was that addressed at me or pat? if it was addressed at me check your inbox.

dudawakmax asked:

I'm just really happy you guys are feeling better. :D

Tord: we’re glad to BE feeling better.

Tom: hmm

Matt: *hugs duda*

dudawakmax asked:

Yay hugs! *hugs Matt back*

duda is now being squished! with affection.

dudawakmax asked:

Boop! *Boop Matt's nose*

the boop is returned by a mystery source.

dudawakmax asked:

What?

The sound of machinery can be heard. Tord winked at you. Matt is laughing. Tom is rolling his eyes. You are accepted as a friend.

dudawakmax asked:

((Can I boop tord?

he’d look at you funny but he wouldn’t stop you.

dudawakmax asked:

I love how Matt its like, the Dad friend™. I bet he would be like "those are my beans and I will protect them with my life". While everyone else its like "Matt its a little cinnamon roll who must be protected in all cust"

No on both counts actually. Tom is the dad friend and Tord is the cinnamon roll. tom is protective of everything he views as family and that includes Tord and Matt. Tord is not only physically weaker but he’s the only one who’s technically mortal and as such is capable of natural death. If anything Matt is the shoulder to cry on and the therapist of the group.

dudawakmax asked:

Nah. Tord is a SINnamon roll

that too.

spooncryptid asked:

I knew tord was soft

compared to the literally immortal beings? sure. but next to any other human he’d snap them in two. he lived with three godlike men and survived. he’s tough just not invincible.

spooncryptid asked:

So he’s physically the cinnamon roll?

sorta? Tom and matt think of him as something that needs to be protected. he can handle himself just fine. they just don’t want him to have to.

spooncryptid asked:

Mm, so it’s their fault he’s soft

sorta. he’s not soft. he has a sorta hidden power even! spite. he can do literally anything out of spite.

“tord don’t jump off that bridge! you won’t survive.”

tord jumps off the bridge and is perfectly fine, out of SPITE.

spooncryptid asked:

He’d prolly kill me out of spite

most certainly.

[skiasurveys]

A: Who do you like and why? My boyfriend, Connor. I love him because he makes me happy and as cheesy and basic as it sounds, it's true. He makes me laugh. I love the way he talks and the way he looks when he talks about something he loves or into!! He is sweet and knows how to handle me too. 
B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love? For real it has only been once. I have thought before I loved someone but it was just the idea or because they liked me. I know this one is real because for one this is my first real real relationship. It's serious af. I care about everything he does and what's happening, and I do anything for him. I can't put myself first. 
C: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in, and why did it end? The one I am in cure rly which is 15 months so far 
D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how? Yeah but for the better 
E: Pretend I’m your ex, what do you want to say to me? Nothing 
F: Have you ever been cheated on? Not that I’m aware of. 
G: Have you ever cheated? No. 
H: Would you date someone who’s known for cheating, if yes why? Nope 
I: What’s the most important part of a relationship? Loyalty and companionship 
J:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious 
K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? Not really. I really think breaks is an excuse for the other person to fuck someone else and then see if they really love you, i think it's pointless and waste of time. 
L: How many people have you ever hooked up with? I don't do hook ups 
M: What’s one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship? I regret that I used to date ppl because they liked me, it was so stupid, I also would say I love you because they said it or I thought I did, but now I only say it when I mean it. 
N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? KIDS SHOULDNT BE HAVING SEX. 
O: Do you believe in the phrase, “Age is just a number?” Why or why not? Well I am bias since my boyfriend and I are 6.5 years apart.. but that's really nothing to me. I believe if you're both over 18 and they're not like 30 dating am 18 year old it's fine. But it really depends on the people. But age is just a number to me but I hate huge age gaps like the only age gap I would do is what me and my boyfriend are. 
P: What about “Love at first sight”? Why or why not? No. Because love is beyond looks. You might be interested in them a lot but you don't love 
Q: Turn on’s? Facial hair, tall, nice strong arms and hands. 
R: Turn off’s? Assholey 
S: What do you consider a deal breaker? Hmm. If they are a known cheater. If they have children, or if they are into hardcore drugs. Or have unhealthy habits 
T: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? When you just stop caring for them. Or if you can fee a rift in the relationship. 
U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single? Yes and for 15 months 
V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Depends on how long you have dated them or how serious it was. I think if you're both mature you can talk to eachother but I don't think friends. 
X: How many relationships have you had? I've had 4 (including the one i am in). But Only 2 of those were like really legit, the other 2 were when I was younger and just dating. 
Y: Do you think love can last forever? I hope 
Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things? Not everything 
1: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? Depends why. 
2: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? Don't date them because you're lonely 
3: Do you think long distance relationships can work? Why or why not? I did one once and it's very difficult depending on where they were. And the one I am we were I'm a ldr for Only a month and it wasn't that hard but it just takes trust and timing. You have to make sure you make time to text or skype them/etc but i really don't like them. 
4: What do you notice first about another person? Eyes 
5: Do gay, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people bother you? In no way.

[sailourpastel]

Cold turkey in Kyrgyzstan. Facing Inner Demons: Stories of recovering drug addicts

Cold turkey in Kyrgyzstan. Facing Inner Demons: Stories of recovering drug addicts

Yes yeah your life flashes before your eyes Roslin and you start seeing connections between things yes good woman mine's a simple story wedding spielen started with a beer kissy girl that led to a joint NASA voice and then it got more serious thirty-three-year-old you've gained E is heroin dependent he's married with a child and has used drugs since he was 18 they're no good to you I've taken drugs since the early nineties but Abu Morton it was trendy then one and I was young and stupid war we thought it was something special and I wanted to stand out from the crowd Sergei is 37 with a wife and son he's been heroin-addicted for 16 years when I was 19 did it not yet Mitchell I started taking oxycontin then they went up to 120 dollars each instead of 60 lavazza and they weren't that easy to get anyway then a friend offered me some heroin to try gleb is 24 he lives in the USA with his parents he's been arrow independent for five years the Central Asian state of Kyrgyzstan is a mountain country between the Tian Shan and pamir ranges with beautifully picturesque scenery of wide valleys and stunning lakes what you look like a lot of my patients are ordinary good well bred and educated people but because of different circumstances they found themselves in this position yep see society the government and the politicians generally have no idea cool the drug and its are young or what it means to have one in the family addicts from all over the world have been coming here for more than 20 years when they hit rock bottom they seek help in Kyrgyzstan when you have gained his life was in danger his family brought him to the clinic his wife Maria came with him soon we bought a new car yes yes and I really wanted to keep the sons I hoped I'd be able to drive myself but I just couldn't that's what made me realize that I really needed help the whole point is that he's come off his own free will I didn't want to force him it would be useless if it hadn't been his decisions I didn't want to come at first he has to really want to do it I didn't have enough willpower maria fell in love at her dream wedding and then the child she always wanted with her man at her side it was a shock to learn that her husband was a drug user his sister was the first to realize he had a problem lookin saying you I wouldn't really believe it she tried hard to open my eyes how can you not see it she asked but I just refused to believe I said it couldn't possibly be true suppose it's only natural a woman always thinks her man is the best in the world is the illusion of all the close friends I've ever had only one is still alive some overdosed others were killed or died in prison well well this isn't exactly what you'd call a safe way of life it's been a long road I should have come here way back in 93 but the truth is that I was sent to prison several times and so it wasn't something I could do once the body becomes accustomed to drugs it needs them all the time when addicts don't get the heroin they crave they experience withdrawal symptoms which often include acute pain so their patients are not subjected to that torture the doctors chemically induce a coma this who's his doctor I am his name's of Dar has 29 and at the moment he's going through his fourth blockade he's been taking drugs for five years from 2005 here occasionally used marijuana and then harun from 2007 to 2009 for the last six months has been on crystal meth he alternates between drugs and has taken heroin about once a month in the last six months now he says he's ready for the pilgrimage yellow yellow we give new patients a thorough examination first of all and carry out all the necessary tests after that we individually select the best treatment method for each of them what they think oh so for some patients as few as three or four sessions are enough while others may need five or six or even more comfort they are comfortable in this state cousin you see literally if their temperature rises or the pulse rate increases because of sympathy and renal attack or if the patient's life is in danger that we can bring them out of induced coma at any time there is an antidote drug addicts don't only endanger themselves but also the lives of their families and friends parents spouses and children always suffer as well relatives usually go with the patients to the clinic they take the long road to recovery together loomis today I think by now you all know that the treatment they go through is quite tough and it's easier for the patients when it's a family member who looks after them when a family first becomes aware of addiction the first reactions are often confusion panic and anger doctors describe close relatives of drug users as codependent well as in bloody man what are you feeling now just listen what are you thinking about my only thought is about how to get rid of it what to do right what to do yeah how to help yes what I can do to help haunts me what can be done what steps to take at the organ y NOS llamo the incredible sense of guilt is tearing us apart that make you it's haunting and depressing the birthday that's got that how could it have happened why did it happen to my child story unions what did I overlooked but it's gonna depend what did I do wrong cuz the richness that's what happens when a person's mind is consumed with thinking about someone else another Aquabat sir sometimes these thoughts just take up too much space in your brain it's like that that's what work so you don't have much time left to develop your mind and personality am i right the treatment is intended to help not just the patients but their families as well to ease their guilt pain and fear once a drug addict does give up heroin perseverance is vital for that they need to be calm and relaxed rock-hopper they are medicated so they can continue their psychotherapy treatment with a clear mind we'll work with them for at least a week but that varies for different patients in the con average the psychotherapy takes seven days we can predict quite accurately which of our patients is most likely to fight until the end and which will break what's the swing if they don't have the inner strength will power and an intense desire to overcome their addiction and then it is highly likely that one day maybe much later after a year or even ten they'll eventually started taking drugs again Gleb was always an adrenaline junkie and an extreme-sports enthusiasts he first tried heroin in his search for yet another high nips toy wake up clever clever time to get up brush knees he liked it and was hooked that's how he ended up here in the kyrgyz clinic you're beautiful what first interested me about him was the fact that he'd come from the USA at that time malev was the youngest of my patients that made him the most difficult he was 22 and wanted to see everything there is to see in the world he's full of illusions that's impossible to persuade him of anything he never listens to anyone klebs parents brought him to the clinic last year but he couldn't make it through the treatment he gave up and went home whatever we keep in touch with patients for six months after the treatment we learned that he was taking five pills instead of the one he was prescribed he knew what he was doing but he's a thrill seeker and he was but for a dhryn alene ah the medicine overdose was far too much for him he nearly died now Gleb is back at the clinic to complete his treatment to prove to himself and the doctors that he can do it even at the clinic there is still temptations after the coma stage you have gained II met a patient who invited him to smoke some weed well that's bullshit we had a huge row we have no secrets from each other so one day he just came out and said that he wanted to smoke marijuana I told her honestly that they had offered me some to smoke than I did he said I couldn't say no and then the doctors had to bring me around we use what's called the stress energetic psychotherapy method which first appeared in 1988 any mental disorder is linked to the soul especially we're talking about drug or alcohol addiction it's all rooted in our emotional experience on the shores of Lake is it cool the patients take a 24-hour vow of silence they live or stare lives and meditate in search of inner peace for this spiritual journey everyone chooses their own ritual stone they try to transfer all their fears pain and drug-filled past into their stones the UH LaBelle pass is about 3,000 meters above sea level and marks the starting point for each patient's final trial the pilgrimage 250 kilometers of rugged mountain terrain they'll have to negotiate it on foot and they're likely to suffer from heat cold sore feet and lack of oxygen gleb attempted the pilgrimage last year but failed the rough hike proves too much for him after 50 kilometers the young man could go no further nobody tell me I hurt my back badly either way you have to get out of  here look around and make a decision and just it's not that I didn't want to I did show up after all show me where it hurts was here I jumped onto a snowboard to put him about 30 meters and missed now every step I take hurts but it's tonight Gleb our first stop is in two and a half kilometers look what's the point I could go on but what for so you're not going I could go on but it's pointless well at least you'd get that far but I know that I won't get any further what if you really want to give up no but I already know I won't make it when it came to picking a stone I chose a huge one it must have been about eight kilos I think that she's doing I didn't know then that I'd have to carry it 250 kilometers that's why it ended up so badly I have problems with my back I nearly broke my spine when I was 15 so on the first day my back hurt like crazy but they even wanted to give up but decided against it I walked for three days but as my stone was too heavy I broke it into pieces to make it lighter and was disqualified yes now though I've come again to finish the whole 250 kilometers who's a good little glib a lot of people were against bringing you back to the clinic do you understand they still don't really want you here but we've decided to give you a second chance give gainey has also begun his pilgrimage which should take about a week one of the doctors accompanies him and an ambulance delivers everything he might need medicines water and attempt to sleep in this is the second day wow I've got four or five to go it all depends on how fast I can hike there isn't happen to be honest I thought it would be easier especially the first day I didn't think 60k a day would be too difficult I did 20 k and then another 10 and that's when it got really hard for the last 5 or 10 kilometers I haven't been walking as much as crawling yes with you bear Seattle while you're walking your life flashes before your eyes then you start seeing connections between things ok I think about my future about everything really Moisture mobile showroom where there's no one to talk to you so sometimes I hum tunes to myself yeah yellow suit I'm preparing a surprise for my dear husband I want to show him how much I love him of course he already knows good but I want him to read my banner from the mountain so you can see for himself it's stuff up there I want at least to make his last two kilometers a little easier so he'll hurry knowing i'm waiting for him there's no stable means we miss each other so much which Allah silber Maria stood by her husband at every stage of the treatment they cried argued and made up together hoping he'd recover was he a strong man probably if he can do it he hasn't yet he's only been walking for three days he can do it you're confident right I have no doubt at all I know he can make it to the end what will you do if he started taking drugs again again no he won't I'm sure I don't even want to think about it what if well I'd stand by him to the end if he breaks we'll try to cure him again well done what a woman not everyone can cope with the test of the pilgrimage some patients need to face emotional rather than physical trials I'm not well enough to go on the pilgrimage listen there's not the airport I'd like to but I know I'm just not strong enough to get through it what a confusion was it so if you think about it shock therapy seems to be quite a reasonable alternative doctors call this stress energetic psychotherapy but in layman's terms it's shock therapy he came to us was serious withdrawal symptoms and went through six black aids monkey are you sure in your own mind that you'd give up one hundred percent why do you think so many people say that I don't know you have some experience of the criminal world right sure I know it inside out many say they're one hundred percent sure and the next thing they're shooting up again I don't know about them but i can give you my word I'm a man and I always keep my promises that's how I was brought up the doctors have decided that after his induced coma and therapy sessions Sergei should now be given shock therapy at first he couldn't make up his mind he wanted to go on the pilgrimage she said I want to carry this stone with my past and my pain I can do it Sergei has survived severe trials before he was in solitary confinement in prison and I'm sure he can pass the test but the big question though is how important it is to him so I think that for him stress energetic psychotherapy is the best option the procedure takes half an hour the doctors think of it as a psychological reboot bright lights loud shouting and aggressive clapping help clear and reprogram the patient's mind the process induces a cathartic state ok that before it's a little like hypnosis thank you slowly we repeat you're strong you're powerful you can do it there's no need for drugs in your life anymore and these subliminal thoughts become imprinted in their minds the next day these ideas get stuck in their heads though they don't remember the actual words when you say gleb sets out on his pilgrimage again this time he's chosen a smaller stone which will be physically easier for him but psychologically much harder loving parents and a good career are waiting for him at home and he's promised to come back cured romola doom cocky I wanted him to remember the exact moment that he finished his journey Stephanie malish I wanted to make it special mr. i know it was quite a demanding experience for him and I'm so proud of him for proving he was able to do it a cleansing summer rain shower began just as you've gained he completed his week-long pilgrimage the treatment was over the patient's rid themselves of their negative past by discarding their stones and symbolically burning their troubles on the sacred touchdown at our Mountain the most important thing is that I've saved my marriage all this is thanks to my wife who's waited 16 years for me after the treatment Sergei kept in touch with the clinic for a month he claims to have stopped taking drugs now he's not answering his phone and no one knows where he is yo I've been going to university for five years and still have no degree but now i am going to graduate Gleb finished his pilgrimage and returned to the USA he doesn't take drugs and has taken up extreme sports again he is convinced he will never return to abusing drugs again shit up bullet though I flew a paraglider yesterday and I'm thinking of buying one the euros where I live a perfect for it you've gained Ian Maria have returned to their hometown and changed their social circle if gaining has found a new job now it has taken no drugs for six months he wants to give up smoking and hopes for a second child you

See more here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD58-3aDgDg

drug rehabilitation centers

Source: http://eliterehaballiance.com/video-blog/cold-turkey-in-kyrgyzstan-facing-inner-demons-stories-of-recovering-drug-addicts

[sailourpastel]

Cold turkey in Kyrgyzstan. Facing Inner Demons: Stories of recovering drug addicts

Cold turkey in Kyrgyzstan. Facing Inner Demons: Stories of recovering drug addicts

Yes yeah your life flashes before your eyes Roslin and you start seeing connections between things yes good woman mine's a simple story wedding spielen started with a beer kissy girl that led to a joint NASA voice and then it got more serious thirty-three-year-old you've gained E is heroin dependent he's married with a child and has used drugs since he was 18 they're no good to you I've taken drugs since the early nineties but Abu Morton it was trendy then one and I was young and stupid war we thought it was something special and I wanted to stand out from the crowd Sergei is 37 with a wife and son he's been heroin-addicted for 16 years when I was 19 did it not yet Mitchell I started taking oxycontin then they went up to 120 dollars each instead of 60 lavazza and they weren't that easy to get anyway then a friend offered me some heroin to try gleb is 24 he lives in the USA with his parents he's been arrow independent for five years the Central Asian state of Kyrgyzstan is a mountain country between the Tian Shan and pamir ranges with beautifully picturesque scenery of wide valleys and stunning lakes what you look like a lot of my patients are ordinary good well bred and educated people but because of different circumstances they found themselves in this position yep see society the government and the politicians generally have no idea cool the drug and its are young or what it means to have one in the family addicts from all over the world have been coming here for more than 20 years when they hit rock bottom they seek help in Kyrgyzstan when you have gained his life was in danger his family brought him to the clinic his wife Maria came with him soon we bought a new car yes yes and I really wanted to keep the sons I hoped I'd be able to drive myself but I just couldn't that's what made me realize that I really needed help the whole point is that he's come off his own free will I didn't want to force him it would be useless if it hadn't been his decisions I didn't want to come at first he has to really want to do it I didn't have enough willpower maria fell in love at her dream wedding and then the child she always wanted with her man at her side it was a shock to learn that her husband was a drug user his sister was the first to realize he had a problem lookin saying you I wouldn't really believe it she tried hard to open my eyes how can you not see it she asked but I just refused to believe I said it couldn't possibly be true suppose it's only natural a woman always thinks her man is the best in the world is the illusion of all the close friends I've ever had only one is still alive some overdosed others were killed or died in prison well well this isn't exactly what you'd call a safe way of life it's been a long road I should have come here way back in 93 but the truth is that I was sent to prison several times and so it wasn't something I could do once the body becomes accustomed to drugs it needs them all the time when addicts don't get the heroin they crave they experience withdrawal symptoms which often include acute pain so their patients are not subjected to that torture the doctors chemically induce a coma this who's his doctor I am his name's of Dar has 29 and at the moment he's going through his fourth blockade he's been taking drugs for five years from 2005 here occasionally used marijuana and then harun from 2007 to 2009 for the last six months has been on crystal meth he alternates between drugs and has taken heroin about once a month in the last six months now he says he's ready for the pilgrimage yellow yellow we give new patients a thorough examination first of all and carry out all the necessary tests after that we individually select the best treatment method for each of them what they think oh so for some patients as few as three or four sessions are enough while others may need five or six or even more comfort they are comfortable in this state cousin you see literally if their temperature rises or the pulse rate increases because of sympathy and renal attack or if the patient's life is in danger that we can bring them out of induced coma at any time there is an antidote drug addicts don't only endanger themselves but also the lives of their families and friends parents spouses and children always suffer as well relatives usually go with the patients to the clinic they take the long road to recovery together loomis today I think by now you all know that the treatment they go through is quite tough and it's easier for the patients when it's a family member who looks after them when a family first becomes aware of addiction the first reactions are often confusion panic and anger doctors describe close relatives of drug users as codependent well as in bloody man what are you feeling now just listen what are you thinking about my only thought is about how to get rid of it what to do right what to do yeah how to help yes what I can do to help haunts me what can be done what steps to take at the organ y NOS llamo the incredible sense of guilt is tearing us apart that make you it's haunting and depressing the birthday that's got that how could it have happened why did it happen to my child stroy unions what did I overlooked but it's gonna depend what did I do wrong cuz the richness that's what happens when a person's mind is consumed with thinking about someone else another Aquabat sir sometimes these thoughts just take up too much space in your brain it's like that that's what work so you don't have much time left to develop your mind and personality am i right the treatment is intended to help not just the patients but their families as well to ease their guilt pain and fear once a drug addict does give up heroin perseverance is vital for that they need to be calm and relaxed rockhopper they are medicated so they can continue their psychotherapy treatment with a clear mind we'll work with them for at least a week but that varies for different patients in the con average the psychotherapy takes seven days we can predict quite accurately which of our patients is most likely to fight until the end and which will break what's the swing if they don't have the inner strength will power and an intense desire to overcome their addiction and then it is highly likely that one day maybe much later after a year or even ten they'll eventually started taking drugs again Gleb was always an adrenaline junkie and an extreme-sports enthusiasts he first tried heroin in his search for yet another high nips toy wake up clever clever time to get up brush knees he liked it and was hooked that's how he ended up here in the kyrgyz clinic you're beautiful what first interested me about him was the fact that he'd come from the USA at that time malev was the youngest of my patients that made him the most difficult he was 22 and wanted to see everything there is to see in the world he's full of illusions that's impossible to persuade him of anything he never listens to anyone klebs parents brought him to the clinic last year but he couldn't make it through the treatment he gave up and went home whatever we keep in touch with patients for six months after the treatment we learned that he was taking five pills instead of the one he was prescribed he knew what he was doing but he's a thrill seeker and he was but for a dhryn alene ah the medicine overdose was far too much for him he nearly died now Gleb is back at the clinic to complete his treatment to prove to himself and the doctors that he can do it even at the clinic there is still temptations after the coma stage you have gained II met a patient who invited him to smoke some weed well that's bullshit we had a huge row we have no secrets from each other so one day he just came out and said that he wanted to smoke marijuana I told her honestly that they had offered me some to smoke than I did he said I couldn't say no and then the doctors had to bring me around we use what's called the stress energetic psychotherapy method which first appeared in 1988 any mental disorder is linked to the soul especially we're talking about drug or alcohol addiction it's all rooted in our emotional experience on the shores of Lake is it cool the patients take a 24-hour vow of silence they live or stare lives and meditate in search of inner peace for this spiritual journey everyone chooses their own ritual stone they try to transfer all their fears pain and drug-filled past into their stones the UH LaBelle pass is about 3,000 meters above sea level and marks the starting point for each patient's final trial the pilgrimage 250 kilometers of rugged mountain terrain they'll have to negotiate it on foot and they're likely to suffer from heat cold sore feet and lack of oxygen gleb attempted the pilgrimage last year but failed the rough hike proves too much for him after 50 kilometers the young man could go no further nobody tell me I hurt my back badly either way you have to get out of here look around and make a decision and just it's not that I didn't want to I did show up after all show me where it hurts was here I jumped onto a snowboard to put him about 30 meters and missed now every step I take hurts but it's tonight Gleb our first stop is in two and a half kilometers look what's the point I could go on but what for so you're not going I could go on but it's pointless well at least you'd get that far but I know that I won't get any further what if you really want to give up no but I already know I won't make it when it came to picking a stone I chose a huge one it must have been about eight kilos I think that she's doing I didn't know then that I'd have to carry it 250 kilometers that's why it ended up so badly I have problems with my back I nearly broke my spine when I was 15 so on the first day my back hurt like crazy but they even wanted to give up but decided against it I walked for three days but as my stone was too heavy I broke it into pieces to make it lighter and was disqualified yes now though I've come again to finish the whole 250 kilometers who's a good little glib a lot of people were against bringing you back to the clinic do you understand they still don't really want you here but we've decided to give you a second chance give gainey has also begun his pilgrimage which should take about a week one of the doctors accompanies him and an ambulance delivers everything he might need medicines water and attempt to sleep in this is the second day wow I've got four or five to go it all depends on how fast I can hike there isn't happen to be honest I thought it would be easier especially the first day I didn't think 60k a day would be too difficult I did 20 k and then another 10 and that's when it got really hard for the last 5 or 10 kilometers I haven't been walking as much as crawling yes with you bear Seattle while you're walking your life flashes before your eyes then you start seeing connections between things ok I think about my future about everything really Moisture mobile showroom where there's no one to talk to you so sometimes I hum tunes to myself yeah yellow suit I'm preparing a surprise for my dear husband I want to show him how much I love him of course he already knows good but I want him to read my banner from the mountain so you can see for himself it's stuff up there I want at least to make his last two kilometers a little easier so he'll hurry knowing i'm waiting for him there's no stable means we miss each other so much which Allah silber Maria stood by her husband at every stage of the treatment they cried argued and made up together hoping he'd recover was he a strong man probably if he can do it he hasn't yet he's only been walking for three days he can do it you're confident right I have no doubt at all I know he can make it to the end what will you do if he started taking drugs again again no he won't I'm sure I don't even want to think about it what if well I'd stand by him to the end if he breaks we'll try to cure him again well done what a woman not everyone can cope with the test of the pilgrimage some patients need to face emotional rather than physical trials I'm not well enough to go on the pilgrimage listen there's not the airport I'd like to but I know I'm just not strong enough to get through it what a confusion was it so if you think about it shock therapy seems to be quite a reasonable alternative doctors call this stress energetic psychotherapy but in layman's terms it's shock therapy he came to us was serious withdrawal symptoms and went through six black aids monkey are you sure in your own mind that you'd give up one hundred percent why do you think so many people say that I don't know you have some experience of the criminal world right sure I know it inside out many say they're one hundred percent sure and the next thing they're shooting up again I don't know about them but i can give you my word I'm a man and I always keep my promises that's how I was brought up the doctors have decided that after his induced coma and therapy sessions Sergei should now be given shock therapy at first he couldn't make up his mind he wanted to go on the pilgrimage she said I want to carry this stone with my past and my pain I can do it Sergei has survived severe trials before he was in solitary confinement in prison and I'm sure he can pass the test but the big question though is how important it is to him so I think that for him stress energetic psychotherapy is the best option the procedure takes half an hour the doctors think of it as a psychological reboot bright lights loud shouting and aggressive clapping help clear and reprogram the patient's mind the process induces a cathartic state ok that before it's a little like hypnosis thank you slowly we repeat you're strong you're powerful you can do it there's no need for drugs in your life anymore and these subliminal thoughts become imprinted in their minds the next day these ideas get stuck in their heads though they don't remember the actual words when you say gleb sets out on his pilgrimage again this time he's chosen a smaller stone which will be physically easier for him but psychologically much harder loving parents and a good career are waiting for him at home and he's promised to come back cured romola doom cocky I wanted him to remember the exact moment that he finished his journey Stephanie malish I wanted to make it special mr. i know it was quite a demanding experience for him and I'm so proud of him for proving he was able to do it a cleansing summer rain shower began just as you've gained he completed his week-long pilgrimage the treatment was over the patient's rid themselves of their negative past by discarding their stones and symbolically burning their troubles on the sacred touchdown at our Mountain the most important thing is that I've saved my marriage all this is thanks to my wife who's waited 16 years for me after the treatment Sergei kept in touch with the clinic for a month he claims to have stopped taking drugs now he's not answering his phone and no one knows where he is yo I've been going to university for five years and still have no degree but now i am going to graduate Gleb finished his pilgrimage and returned to the USA he doesn't take drugs and has taken up extreme sports again he is convinced he will never return to abusing drugs again shit up bullet though I flew a paraglider yesterday and I'm thinking of buying one the euros where I live a perfect for it you've gained Ian Maria have returned to their hometown and changed their social circle if gaining has found a new job now it has taken no drugs for six months he wants to give up smoking and hopes for a second child you

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drug rehabilitation requirement

Source: http://eliterehaballiance.com/video-blog/cold-turkey-in-kyrgyzstan-facing-inner-demons-stories-of-recovering-drug-addicts_1