#like who does that ?? only supernatural can make people reach these levels of obsession and unhingedness

[lilacpaperbird]

the supernatural fandom is the only fandom where half the people have re-watched 15 whole seasons multiple times, and the other half have not even watched half of the show and refuse to do it. both of these groups are equally obsessed with supernatural. and what is worse, both of these groups are equally obsessed with debating about supernatural. do you see how this causes problems. oh and that doesn't even take into account the people who have watched the whole show but not the first 3 seasons. truly an unparalleled fandom experience

[autisticandroids]

"Emotional in*est"- Do you even hear yourself? There's no such thing as emotional in*est. Just say you're a win*est shipper and go. I hate how freaks like you always try to grasp at straws to seem all "intellectual", when you're nothing but a freak who faps to things like ped*philia, best*ality and in*est. THAT'S why Jensen hates shippers. You don't want to see a positive queer relationship, you just want to read about Jensen getting fu*ked no matter who or WHAT it is. You're disgusting

now, i want to be clear, i received this ask at 2:46 am, about an hour after posting this answer. i want you to read that linked post. it’s a discussion of familial abuse. specifically, anon was talking about how upsetting they found the nature of trauma in supernatural - how none of the characters ever break the cycle. they mention how i had talked about sam and dean as a potentially emotionally incestuous relationship as something they found relatable to their own situation of familial abuse. i responded by agreeing that it’s upsetting that supernatural did that, and trying to comfort them a bit.

this anon saw that, and immediately not only accused me of incest fetishism, but sent similar anons to my mutuals.

@steveyockey messaged me this anon that he received, seemingly at about the same time i did. it’s clearly the same person. now, i love ziz, but we don’t have a significant public relationship. we don’t, say, talk about each other in posts or tags. i think i’ve mentioned her once. i reblog a lot of his posts and he reblogs a few of mine, but i have many other much more obvious public relationships, some of them with other BNFs like ziz. i expect that as they start to wake up, they too will notice that they’ve received anons like this.

all of this over explicitly talking about the familial abuse dynamics legible in supernatural, a show whose perhaps most persistent theme is toxic and abusive family dynamics.

the obsessive moral panic over the existence of wincest is fascinating to me, especially coming from destiel shippers. i’ve discussed in the past how i personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with people shipping wincest, as long as they do it far away from me, because i find incest gross and don’t want to hear about it. 

sam and dean have a dynamic in the text of the show that you could reasonably read as emotionally incestuous - they fill the role traditionally filled by a romantic partner. this is emphasized by the fact that when sam tries to escape dean, which he does with some regularity until season eight, which is when he just gives up, he always immediately finds a romantic partner, and is then eventually dragged away from her by dean. sam knows, on some level, that in order to escape dean, which he wants to do, he needs to replace dean in his life with someone else, in order to make it more difficult for dean to reclaim that role by force. 

this stuff is all in the text of the show, with not that much interpretation. it’s a pretty solid depiction of cycles of familial trauma and abuse. john parentifies dean (which is a form of abuse related to covert incest), dean turns around and does covert incest to sam. 

when i’m analyzing supernatural seriously, one of the things that interests me the most is the theme of familial abuse. this interpretation inevitably comes up when i’m discussing that, because it’s an intensely plausible interpretation of the text. the fact that i immediately get accused of being an incest fetishist (and a pedophile and zoophile?) for mentioning it seems to indicate that there is, frankly, something wrong in the destiel fandom.

but frankly, i don’t like this defense of myself. it’s a little too “no, not me! you have the wrong witch!” for my tastes.

even if i were an incest fetishist, it is intensely creepy to me that not only did i get an angry message about it, other people did as well. the wave of purity politics that has overtaken fandom spaces is intensely unsettling to me, especially the anti-sex bent that it’s taken in recent years. 

when i was a teenager, there was still a very damaging purity culture in tumblr fandom, but it was around social justice - how do you be the least racist, least sexist, least transphobic, least homophobic, least ableist person, and so on. this culture was intensely damaging to me, psychologically, exacerbating already present obsessive compulsive and other anxious tendencies, but at least i agreed with the basic project: i do think it’s good for people to try to become less racist, less sexist, less homophobic, less transphobic, less ableist. i think that participating in a terrifying, abusive purity cult is a bad, damaging, and ineffective-in-the-long-term way to do that, but i think the intent is in the right place. 

however, because of certain changes in online culture, that kind of social justice has kind of become “cringe” and therefore fallen apart. like, it’s still present, but far less strong than it used to be. but the purity cult has remained, only now it’s explicitly only about sex. people will try and hunt down the most deviant expression of sexuality they can find, and put that on trial. it doesn’t matter what that sexuality is. i am frequently on record as saying that if wincest didn’t exist, destiel would be considered the irredeemably problematic ship of the supernatural fandom, and in fact i’m constantly surprised that i, personally, have never been cancelled for romanticizing abuse, something which i try not to do, but walk a pretty fine line on. but no one cares about the toxicity of destiel because rather than having a sensible barometer of reasonable behavior, everyone is simply fixated on finding and persecuting the most deviant option available. thus, since destiel is by comparison less deviant than wincest, it’s fine. 

but this culture doesn’t actually have anything to do with, like i said, a sensible barometer of reasonable behavior. it just goes for the most deviant option available. the same culture that comes for wincest shippers is the culture that comes for, i don’t know, people who ship the wrong she-ra ships. as you can probably tell, it’s been a while since i’ve been in a giant fandom full of youngsters. it’s not actually about the specific morality of shipping wincest, it’s about asking “who is it okay for me to hurt” and finding the most deviant people available for an answer. 

this is why they reached so hard to try and accuse me of being a wincest shipper. they wanted to bully someone, or perhaps they had a problem with me (though given that they don’t seem to have searched my blog, because if they had they would have found better ammunition, i suspect it’s the former), and so they accused me of shipping wincest - the worst possible accusation, an accusation that makes it okay to accuse me of anything and do whatever they like to me. 

like, you, The Girl (GN) Reading This, should be creeped out by this behavior. no matter what your opinion of wincest. even if you post “wincesties die” every day. because you will more than likely at some point in your life find yourself on the wrong end of this culture, for something which you consider totally innocuous. that, or perhaps you will be coerced into participating in some kind of bullying campaign, which is traumatizing in its own sense - even if you enjoy it at the time, it’s likely you will grow to regret it. hurting other people sucks.

i’m going to bed and i’m going to leave this as my last post until i wake up in like, four hours, so as many people can read it as possible. i would love for people to think about the kind of fan culture they’re participating in where not only me but people i interact with get sent these kinds of messages.

i don’t know, i feel like this *checks notes* fifteen hundred word essay i’ve written is a touch pearl-clutchy. anon hate is something normal on the internet. i get it about once a week, and normally i respond with jokes. some people are just assholes. i’m unusually sensitive about this kind of thing because like i said, i’ve had some formatively bad experiences with social justice purity politics. i also put a lot of value on having my cards on the table - if someone is going to get mad at me for saying “i don’t think wincesties should die” i would like them to get mad now, and not wait until i trip over a landmine. so those things were definitely part of the reason i wanted to write this.

but in this case, this person who decided to be an asshole was also sending messages about me to other people i know, which is creepy in and of itself, but also: i don’t necessarily trust the people i know in this fandom not to decide to shun me on the strength of an anonymous accusation of wincest shipping. that’s how strong the purity culture is in this fandom in specific. and i personally find that incredibly distasteful. like, you’re gay people aren’t you? you’re aware that mainstream society will always consider you sexual deviants no matter how respectable you are? yes? like this person wants to intentionally destroy my social connections and reputation. which is much more threatening than just saying nasty shit to me on anon.

[thedreadvampy]

Ok like I'm sorry for all the Elias discourse but stepping off from OGlias for a moment I legit saw someone saying it was a mischaracterisation to assume Jonah Magnus was himself a rich white dude which

uh

Let's leave aside for the moment that Jonah Magnus not being wealthy and privileged utterly sucks the meaning of of a lot of what the podcast has to say about class and exploration because hey, that's a matter of interpretation

What do we know about Jonah Magnus (from all statements mentioning his original incarnation)?

1816: Interacts as at least an equal with Albrecht von Closen, who has at least one family estate and an aristocratic pedigree and thus could be expected to be at least middle class if not wealthy. This is relevant because Georgian class was very stratified and cross-class mixing heavily discouraged, 1816 is probably fairly early in Magnus' career, and Albrecht doesn't address him as one would a social inferior.

1818: Established the Magnus Institute, apparently without external funding partners because he's the only one ever mentioned in connection with its organisation and his friends talk about it as his own project; it certainly isn't associated with an existing university or academy as far as we can tell.

1824: not a lot of additional information, except that again Magnus' friends are all moving in wealthy, upper class circles

1831: In a position to hire professionals for Millbank under good terms. We learn more about Albrecht, he's definitely painted as wealthy old money, which continues to speak to this association

1841: reasonably close friends with Sampson Kempthorne, workhouse designer, who expresses the expectation of Magnus agreeing with him about workhouses and the treatment of the poor through work. At this time, Magnus is living in an Edinburgh townhouse, by which I'm guessing we're talking about one of the New Town Georgian 4-floors-plus-servant's-quarters which that name implies. Those aren't mansions, but they weren't where a clerk or shopkeeper would live - they were built for ship owners, lawyers, doctors, the upper-middle and upper classes, and as the name townhouse implies they were generally occupied as one of several estates, with the usual occupants being likely to also have a country place.

Beyond specific statement letters, Magnus largely crops up via his association with his wee gang, all of whom are wealthy upper-middle or aristocracy (Smirke, Rayner, Lukas)

He has the resources and social clout to devote his time to pursuing what is, effectively, a hobby; his interest in the supernatural doesn't bring in much income and, conversely, often costs him to chase up. He doesn't appear to have a full-time job at any point; he works on Millbank with Smirke but he doesn't appear on the records, meaning this is unlikely to be a paid management role. His friends refer to his supernatural work as a hobby or interest, not a job, and make it clear that at least by the 1830s-40s this is his whole life (he's "rattling around with his books and letters") - ergo he does not have a need to support himself beyond that.

He had the resources and funds to, by himself and for his own purposes, not only shape the building of Millbank but also to set up an independent academic institution which is still running 200 years later

Like, is it explicit that he's a rich white man? Not per se. Would all of this information make sense if he wasn't? I suppose it's possible but it's a reach, and one that I'm not sure why you as a writer would make without making pretty clear. To be able to move comfortably in moneyed Georgian circles without being born to money, and to be able to do the things Magnus does without having substantial disposable income - that would be exceptional, and would surely merit some sort of comment.

(I've talked about the race politics of Georgian Britain as relates to Jonah Magnus before, but just to sum up: in a time before the abolition of the slave trade and during massive colonial expansion into Asia, being a British man of wealth and not being white was pretty unusual. We can see this in the description of Rayner; he's very specifically described as Black, but also his Blackness is notable to a contemporary narrator. so again, not impossible for Jonah to be a person of colour, but definitely unexpected and it would be an interesting choice to write that unremarked)

just by way of historical context, as I say, class was very structured and immobile in Georgian Britain for the most part. It was also, as I understand it, much more discrete. Whereas now, the lines between working class, middle class and upper class are pretty fuzzy, in the 1800s they were a lot more clear-cut - the working class worked for little money, had little to no education past basic literacy and numeracy, and the entire household would work; the newly developing middle class made a living through highly-skilled jobs (artists, doctors, lawyers, clerks, shopkeepers, factory owners, shop owners and pub landlords, for example) and would have enough disposable income to buy property; and the upper class/gentry may work (but only appropriate to their station; academia, law or the church, largely, and of course a lot of them in the 1810s made bank from Caribbean plantations and their imports) but substantially they lived off the profits of investments, ownership and estate management, built off heritable wealth. 

There’s a big range of middle class though, although it was a small segment of society. At the bottom end, you have your grocers, pub landlords, shopkeepers, clerks and so on - they probably own their homes and business and have money to buy things outright rather than renting. At the top end, we have some really pretty substantial wealth - we’re talking multiple houses and estates, large-scale business concerns, tens of permanent staff, and only one person in the family needing to work. The difference between upper middle and aristocracy isn’t necessarily in quality of life, aside from blood it’s really just a question of whether the majority of your income comes from work or from investment and property management. So for example, Smirke is upper middle, but very wealthy - he has a career in a high-profile trade, he’s notable and welcome in high society, but ultimately his wealth is dependent on him continuing to get work. Von Closen may have more or less material wealth than Smirke, but his money is old money and he does not work; he’s very much a gentleman of the upper crust. Particularly with Industrial Revolution and the profit that the slave trade and the expansion of the Empire were bringing in for traders, the middle class was abruptly getting a lot richer in at the start of the 19th century and if anything class was getting a lot more discrete - urbanisation and industrialisation meant the poor were getting poorer (and less able to exist outside a monetary economy) and the working rich were getting a lot richer (until of course after a couple of hundred years the upper middle class almost eclipsed the idle class as the Rich and Powerful)

So the gentry/nobles/old money/upper class were the only class whose wealth wasn’t to a high degree reliant on them working, and so honestly being a Georgian gentleman was stultifyingly boring. That’s why so many comedies of manners crop up from the lower end of the upper class - you have to find something to keep you busy and social politicking is something. But it also meant a lot of gentlemen scholars - men with time on their hands and nothing they desperately needed to be doing, who got really into eccentric hobbies and niche interests (like social engineering, or art theory, or the occult, or unpicking weirdly specific theological concepts, or a bit earlier experimenting with light and lenses, or a bit later investigating the origins of species, or getting super into a specific aspect of the classics). The idle rich weren’t the only ones doing academia or research, but they had the time, money and resources to devote to really deep dives into things without much financial use.

So my personal take is that, given that by 1818 Jonah Magnus had the capital, the social heft and the time to found and run an independent academic institution focused on his relatively niche interests, and to do so with enough resourcing that it still runs 200 years later, the safest bet is that he was born a gentleman. At the very least, all the people he socialises with are securely upper-middle or gentry; he has a visible disdain for the poor; he owned substantial personal property by at least middle age (the Edinburgh townhouse); he had the social clout to get involved behind the scenes in a major social architecture project - it seems like the lowest this could possibly place him is mid-to-upper middle class at birth (he could have made that much money from working and lucky investments, but to get into a position where by middle age you can afford to become the Idle Rich, spending all your money and time on an obsessive personal interest, you would need to have started off with at least the capital and clout to get a high-level education and/or make significant business investments (say, buy a series of factories or build a shipping empire). You could make a case that he could work his way up from being born to a middling-middle-class family - maybe a country vicar or a shopkeeper - but friends can I show you some numbers I googled?

In the 1810s, being mid- or upper middle class (fourth or above) meant you were richer than 94.5% of the civilian population. Upper middle and above (like literally every person we know of who had social ties to Magnus except maybe the architects)? Literally top 1%. (well. 1.25%).

The middle class in Georgian Britain was the elite. They weren’t the elite of the elite, but they had money, land, property, staff, clout and privilege. You can’t project the class politics of 2021 onto 1818 (that is, in fact, why pure Marxism still requires an updated reading, bc in even the last 150 years the specific distribution and attributes of class and wealth has changed substantially (although the same people do stay at the top and bottom)). 

I think our perceptions are altered by the worries and perspectives of popular contemporary authors. For example, Austen characters often bemoan their lack of wealth, and are firmly Middle Class, and compared to the upper middle and the gentry they are living frugally and on a budget, but with “cottages” that are often six- or seven bedroom houses with several parlours and one or two servants, plus a town house, and with only one breadwinner per family and enough invested wealth to live entirely off the interest (that’s what the incomes of these characters are), they are living in a degree of wealth that would be unthinkable to 95% of their contemporaries, and it would be fair to assess them as rich by modern standards.

You can argue that Jonah Magnus wasn’t aristocracy. You cannot argue realistically that he wasn’t rich. Not only does that make no thematic or character sense (again, that’s a matter of interpretation, but it seems to me to be Pretty Key to his character that he’s an examination of inborn privilege) but it also makes no contextual historical sense.

[reversalsun]

Explaining Rainbow Drinkers

I’m a decade wiser and return to the Homestuck fandom with a degree in biology and a desire to use it for evil. Lets talk about Vampire Troll Girls.

We get very little from the actual canon of Homestuck about Rainbow Drinkers, just Kanaya, Porrim, and a few hints of lore scattered about. Still, they’re one of the most interesting parts of troll culture - rare and strange, feared but also obsessed over in fiction and mythology. They may be analogous with vampires in the pop culture fascination surrounding them, but I don’t believe that they’re all that similar in function. So let's speculate on how Rainbow Drinkers could function on a biological level and how they fit into greater troll society. 

Rainbow drinkers don’t seem to be literal undead, but rather a functional state that some Jadebloods have the potential to enter into. Yes, Kanaya only becomes a rainbow drinker after “dying��, but death isn’t strictly what made her a rainbow drinker. In fact, I’d argue that Kanaya never actually died - rather she reached a near death state. This state, I believe, did kickstart her transformation. 

The most important thing to zero in on here is rainbow drinker being an inborn trait. Contrast this with how vampirism in human mythos is treated like a pathogen - no one is born a vampire, you become one via infection. RD is hardwired into Jadeblood biology, but it isn’t expressed in their default state. This raises a question: what causes a Jadeblood to undergo transformation into a rainbow drinker? Answering this is a little difficult, as we have a pitiful data pool of one to draw from. Nevertheless, we can examine Kanaya (as well as some dubiously canon content) to extrapolate a bit more about sparkly troll vampirism. Kanaya undergoes transformation into a RD when she is blasted through the stomach and seemingly killed by Eridan’s science powers. Off screen she regains consciousness, begins glowing, gulps down some friend blood, then returns with a vengeance. How do we explain this without leaning on the supernatural? Let's start by drawing on real world bloodsuckers. 

Little may be known about Alternia, but planet Earth is abound with creatures that subsist on blood. Mainly the trait is seen in bugs and parasites - this lends itself to our cause, as trolls seem to be more insectoid than mammalian in nature. Hematophagy (blood drinking) is a trait that has convergently evolved in creatures across the planet - that is to say, hematophagic creatures aren’t genetically related. The trait crops up on its own because it's widely useful, not because of a shared ancestral nematode. Vital fluids, after all, are incredibly prevalent and are in sure supply wherever animals live. It’s not farfetched to say that hematophagy would appear on other planets - especially planets like Alternia that are host to carbon based lifeforms similar to Earth’s. 

We can safely assume that blood drinking would work in the same way on Alternia as it does on Earth. That means rainbow drinkers face the same difficulties that Earth’s vampires do. Blood is not only difficult to obtain, but it’s also difficult to digest. So how do rainbow drinkers solve these conundrums? 

First, the method. Most terrestrial bloodsuckers are nocturnal - and not just for the spooky aesthetic. Fluttering, crawling, and slithering in on a sleeping host lessens your chance of being swatted on impact. Almost all hematophagic creatures are stealth feeders, and Rainbow Drinkers are no different. Trolls are a nocturnal species, but Kanaya is stated to be diurnal upon introduction. It would make sense for her and other potential Rainbow Drinkers to have a natural proclivity for daywalking, as it's much easier to feed from a sleeping troll than a waking one. Kanaya is also able to withstand the fierce, burning Alternian sun - a force which is enough to blind Terezi, and leave any troll who walks out in it for too long with a scathing sunburn. Even Jadebloods that are not currently or will never be rainbow drinkers are likely to exhibit non standard troll sleeping patterns, as they live primarily in the brooding caverns - dark, underground caves where the sun cycle wouldn’t really matter to them. When they do leave their caves to hunt, the glowing, white skin of a Rainbow Drinker would likely be a large boon against the Alternian sun’s devastating rays. In Friendsim we’re told that Lusii’s bright white coats help to protect them from the sun. It’s likely the same for rainbow drinkers; the color white reflects all wavelengths of light far better than any other, thus their radiance and pale complexion provides them an extra level of defense when they’re out hunting. Friendsim also vaguely mentions Rainbow Drinker extract in Tagora’s route, where it’s used as a luxury skincare/beauty product that makes a troll’s skin look literally radiant. Very little is said about the product itself, so it may be a hormone or a secretion derived from Rainbow Drinkers. In the case of the latter… Kanaya and other Rainbow Drinkers might just be really greasy? 

Now, in canon Kanaya theorizes that Rainbow Drinkers glow because of their home in the near pitch black caverns. It’s true that even with trolls' natural night vision, more light sources would be a boon. Animals that thrive in the dark like cats and wolves can’t magically see without a light source, rather their eyes are specially adapted to reflect even scant amounts of light. Animals that live in true darkness, like those found in the depths of caves, are more commonly blind. If no light is present, even night vision fails. With the mother grub’s natural habitat being subterranean, her special attendants possessing an internal light source would make sense. 

We have to change gears now and reckon with the How of troll blood drinking and Kanaya surviving. First: how can a troll survive on blood? We know that all trolls - even Kanaya, subsist on diets of foods akin to what you and I eat. Is it even possible to suddenly switch to a blood diet? The answer is yes. Blood drinking comes in two forms: obligatory and facultative. Obligatory, as the name implies, refers to creatures like fleas and ticks who only consume blood, whereas facultative refers to creatures that have a mixed diet of blood and other foods. Mosquitos for example only drink blood when they need to produce eggs. Rainbow Drinkers are likely similar - mainly eating standard troll goodies, but being able to rely on blood if the going gets tough. Natural resources may be scant in the brooding caverns, and the ability to survive on blood would be incredibly advantageous for those living there. Blood would of course be in no short supply given the population and purpose of the caverns. The implication I’m getting at is well… not every grub survives the caverns trials, or even the caverns in general. Between imperial drones, hoards of lusii, and difficult terrain, the brooding caverns can be dangerous. It would make sense for the troll denizens living there to be exceptionally tough and capable of “recycling” the grubs that don’t make it. Horrible. I’m sorry. But that’s nature. 

The transformation into Rainbow Drinker could very well be triggered by shock or extreme physical duress. After undergoing the transformation and taking a nice sloppy drink from her friends, Kanaya begins to exhibit increased physical abilities. Natural durability and rainbow drinker abilities serve Jades well in their special role as mother grub attendants, and I think that’s in part how Kanaya was able to survive Eridan’s attack. That, and the noticeable difference in how she and Feferi were hit. Fef was hit in the chest while Kan was hit in the stomach. Assuming troll biology is comparable to our own, cleaving out the lungs and heart is a lot worse than cleaving out the stomach. Now don’t get me wrong, both are awful, But if one of the two was going to survive, it would be Kanaya - not only is she a durable Jade (see above), but as a facultative blood drinker, it could be possible for her to have a separate stomachs for blood and food. The digestion process of the two is completely different, so throwing all of it into one pouch might not be a good idea. Outside of durability and luck with the placement of the blast, this could be why Kanaya was able to get back on her feet. And she’s a Sylph, a natural healer class. But this isn’t a classpect analysis, so I’ll leave that discussion for people wiser than I. 

Jadebloods are stated to be the second rarest blood type out there, and those that are able to turn Rainbow Drinker exemplify how badass the whole caste is. It’s likely that they don’t possess these skills because they’re the chosen attendants of the mother grubs, but rather these traits are why the mother grubs chose Jades as their keepers in the first place. As much as I wish we’d gotten more info about Rainbow Drinkers from canon, it was fun to explore how they could potentially work, and it really cemented Jades as my favorite caste. Anyway, please excuse me while I go draw myself a Rainbow Drinker trollsona. 

[gothamsglam]

Can I have Your Name? (a SamBucky ficlet)

for @samshield hope you enjoy 😘

(also on ao3 under @/the_fifth_marauder101)

---

“Thanks, can I have your name?” asked Bucky with a charming smile on his face, pulling out a sharpie. However, instead of writing on an empty class as the poor customer thought, he scribbled down “Tony” on one of those ‘Hello, my name is…’ stickers.

“That’s a wonderful name by the way,” Bucky compliments, because fck you Steve, he can be polite. 

He fcking told Steve going into customer service was a great idea. Idiot wanted to continue doing door to door shit, or, even worse, mope around forests for wandering travelers. He told him it wasn’t the 1400s anymore, and to grow up. Damn the supernatural council and their ‘hunt in pairs’ rule, he will go rouge and leave Stevie, he will do it. 

“I’m this close,” Bucky had hissed, holding his fingers in the air so Stevie could see, 

“Your fingers are touching,” Steve deadpanned. 

“Exactly.”

The man doesn’t look up from his flurry of typing, “Thank you, it’s a family name.”

“Sure,” Bucky replies quietly “Alright, your order will be right out,” Bucky grinned, replacing his name tag with the new one without looking away from the brown-haired customer. The second the tag sticks to his shirt, he feels a refreshing rush of energy. Kind of like what he imagines those ‘caffeine/sugar rush’ those damn teens keep harping about. 

“Thank y—” The customer—Tony—looks up from his phone to flash him a grin, only to have it fall from his face when he sees the name tag. 

This was the fun part. Bucky didn’t break eye contact, maintaining it with the same smile, only now he could tell it felt eerie to the human. Like something wasn’t right. 

The man’s brown eyes flitted up and down between Bucky’s face and the name tag, before he surged forward, “What di—”

“Have a good day,” Bucky bit out, still keeping the smile and cheery customer service tone. His eyes were blank, he made sure of it. Honestly, this whole song and dance was unnecessary. Stevie usually just wrote the name tags, and then stuck them on as he was making the drinks. Their shop was typically slow enough that there wouldn’t be people behind to question why the tender had a new name. But Bucky loved to fck with humans. What the hell else was he supposed to do? He’s been alive for 70 generations, let him have his fun. 

However, today was a bit different. Another two walked into the shop, Bucky didn’t see it as much as he felt it. Bucky kept his back turned, hollering “Welcome to Stars and Stripes, I’ll be with you in just a moment,” over his shoulder as he made the three drinks. What asshole ordered three drinks?

Bucky’s question was answered when he saw the two men walk over to Tony’s table. One of them kissed Tony on the cheek and the other just faux-gagged before giving Tony a hug as well. Bucky called out the order, eyes tracking the way Tony mumbled something to the two men and both reacted oddly, as they probably should. Bucky would expect no less. 

Apparently, he jinxed himself, because the man who hugged Tony came to pick up the drinks. 

“Nice name,” said the man.

“Thanks,” Bucky flashed his uncanny valley smile and offered nothing else. The man winked and then walked back to the table. 

Bucky did not look at his ass, he didn’t. 

---

The next day, the man comes in. Not Tony, but other guy. The cute one. 

“Hi my name’s Jacob, how may I help you today?” Bucky asks politely. 

The man, to his credit, didn’t bat an eyelash, “Hi I’ll have three—” And he rattled off the same order that Tony had. Bucky resisted the urge to frown, maybe it was just a two-time thing? This group has only come into their shop once before, what are the odds of it happening again, for a third time?

“Perfect,” Bucky slid the receipt across the counter, “Can I have your name?” Bucky asked, as he reached for a pen. 

“Nope,” the man replied. 

Bucky froze in his moments, “What?”

The man shrugged, face showing nothing but politeness, “I’m the only person in this store, you’ll be able to find me.”

Bucky was stunned as he watched him walk back to the spot the trio was in the other day. As he sat down, the man gave a nod of acknowledgment to Bucky, who was still staring. 

His brown—almost hazelnut with the light of the sun—eyes stared into Bucky’s own, and in them all he saw was mischief. 

Fck.

---

For the next two days, Bucky kept a—subtle, he wasn’t obsessed or anything—watch out for Tony or The Man. And for those two days, he didn’t see hide or hair of them. Bucky figured they must have been college students from nearby campuses, wandering in when Starbucks was too full, which happens often enough. Then on the third day, he returned. 

“Hey, Jacob” greeted The Man, his smile so bright—so bright that Nat would have burned like she does under the sun and threaten to bite the man in the jugular. Bucky, who was too gobsmacked to even deliver his customer service opening, stared at him. 

“Not Jacob,” Bucky said, his voice strangled. 

The Man chuckled, his eyes sparkling with the same look from the first day he ordered, “Ok ‘Not Jacob’, may I have—” And repeated the same order from the last two times. 

“Um, right, uh” Bucky stammered, face growing hot as The Man raised an eyebrow at him smugly, “Can I have your name?”

“Put Redwing,” The Man said, shrugging. The corner of his lips pulled upwards into a happy smirk—how can a person have a fcking happy smirk?—, not that Bucky was only looking at his lips or anything. 

“Redwing?” Bucky asked, stupidly. Because why ask, idiot, why ask for clarification? He read somewhere that the psyche is powerful enough to make the body do things, like fake pregnancies. Whether that’s something only reserved to humans is up for debate, but maybe, if Bucky doesn’t ask and lives in blissful ignorance, he can feed off of a fake name. But no, because he’s a bloody fool, he asked. 

“It’s my pet’s name,” The Man answered, then looked tilted his head, giving a sheepish smile, “Or at least, that’s what I want to name a pet, I don’t have one.”

“Right,” Said Bucky, suddenly feeling empty in ways that have nothing to do with hunger, “Your order will be right out.”

Their conversation was longer than normal, so when the man went to sit down, the couple came in moments afterward. All three sat in the same place as before. 

‘Oh no,’ Bucky thought in dawning horror, ‘Regulars.’ 

---

“Falcon,” grins The Man, now foregoing any attempts to be subtle and simply being a little shit.

Bucky looked at him, face void of any amusement. At this point, he’s shucked the polite customer service voice and snarked back and forth with the regular like there’s no tomorrow—only in this situation, there is a tomorrow, there always is tomorrow.

Their staring contest probably goes on for a bit too long, judging by the way Tony and his boyfriend—Bucky can feel comfortable calling the two a couple, based on how disgustingly affectionate the two get in the cafe—walk in. 

The Man flashed a smile and turned away to greet the couple. An audible ‘Rhodey!’ reached Bucky’s ears. Now, finally, he has a name for one of the dark-skinned men, the one who kissed Tony’s cheek and was currently walking in with said Tony, arm around his shoulders. Only Bucky doesn’t feel that familiar warmth pool in his gut, refreshing his energy levels. 

‘Oh,’ Bucky thinks, and watches as the man—his regular—laughs with his friends but also how his eyes flit back to peek at Bucky as names are spoken. ‘oh, loopholes.’

Bucky is so screwed. 

---

The names his regular gives become increasingly goofy, and Steve teases him about how flirty they get—Bucky absolutely didn’t have a favorite, and it absolutely wasn’t Angel. But Bucky only believed Stevie when he got a number instead of a random moniker. 

“What?” Bucky short-circuited. 

The man just sighed, “Come on, I gave you my number, work with me here.”

“You finally did it, huh, Sam?” Tony called out from where he was typing away on his computer, which rested on Rhodey’s legs. Rhodey, who was sprawled out in one of their chairs, nudged Tony with his foot, “Shush, let them have this.”

‘Sam,’ Bucky thinks,  and all he can come up with in his blue screened mind is, ‘Perfect’.

In his phone, the name Sam’s contact is under is ‘Angel’.

Steve heckles. 

---

“How did you know, Angel?”

Sam looks at Bucky, and Bucky’s struck into silence, The whole world falls around them in muted sounds and lights fade into balls of blurry color, because as they lock gazes all Bucky can notice is Sam’s eyes. Sam’s eyes—his wonderful, soul-deep eyes that shine with mischief and laughter, that glow so bright and rival the heavens when the sunlight reflects off it just so—are sad. 

“My friend,” Sam says quietly, “Riley. He was one of yours.”

Bucky nods, and reaches out with his metal hand—an injury from decades ago and a gift from a shapeshifter who hissed that his debt was repaired before slithering off into the night—pulling Sam closer to him. They watch the sun go down from the top of the roof, the stars revealed one by one, twinkling against the darkness of the dusk. 

---

(One day, Bucky will ask for Sam’s name again, specifically his last name. Only then, will Sam reply honestly.)

---

AN: This is a more bastardized version of faeries/fae, I just made up my own creature for what Bucky and Steve are. Simply because I just wanted to write a little ficlet about SamBucky and didn’t do much research. Don’t think too hard about it :)

(and the link to the Tik Tok I saw on tumblr that inspired this is also linked on my ao3 fic)

Hope you enjoyed! 

-vix

[kryptsune]

Souly Damned Saturdays!~

🌼 Hello everyone! Welcome to another SD Saturday! Today is going to be another character profile, a timeline, and some info on one of the stories within the world! As always if you are interested in my original work please reach out! I love answering questions about all this work. Let’s get into it! 

~Prince Profile:~

True Name: Saketh Alias Names: Costello Nicknames: N/A (he usually rarely even uses his true name as he prefers Costello far more) Soul Flower Type: Rose in Full bloom          Color Type: Fire Gold mix with Burnt edges Infernal Hierarchy: Crowned Prince of Lust Age Order: 2nd Oldest Familiar Form: (Raven) - A large black feathered bird with eyes and talons of golden fire. True Form Appearance Description:          ~Skeletal in appearance          ~Prominent fangs (spiked teeth in true form)          ~White horns similar to an antelope (more twisted)          ~Fingers with black clawed tips          ~Golden eyes          ~Pointed gold tongue          ~ Stereotypical spaded tail with a black to white gradient          ~ Two sets of wings                          ~White to black gradient and edged with blue fire                     ~When in enraged they are fully engulfed in blue fire

Human Form Physical Description:       ~Hair Color: warm tone Platinum Blonde       ~Hair Style: Short, falls to ears, whip dip       ~Glasses or Contacts: From time to time, more Rectangular frames       ~Eye Color: Fire Gold       ~Skin Tone: Pale       ~Contract symbol mark placement: His left side, junction between neck                                                                        and shoulder.       ~Height -- 6’3”

Special Abilities or Powers --

        ~Mind reading         ~Can pull out deepest desire            ~Dream walking         ~Veritas (forces those under his influence to tell the truth)         ~Trust (will gain the trust of those touched)          ~Mental Suggestion         ~Lust Touch            ~Levitation          ~Teleportation         ~Fire/Dark element         ~Conjuration (more below cut!)

~SD Q AND A (These are all questions from you! Specifically those in my server):~

1. What was Costello like before he became an infernal?

💛 Costello used to be a Celestial of love just like Val. If you split love into two separate entities it would be the passionate romantic side and the side that is all about protection and devotion. These types also reflect in both Costello’s and Val’s Infernal sides. Costello is more about seduction and Val is about possession and obsession. As brothers they tend to work together in their celestial sides. When they fell they split a bit.

2. When he isn't busy what does he do in his spare time?

💛 Oh thats easy! During his time in the Mortal Realm he spent a fair amount of time in the 1920′s era. It is where his style comes from mainly and why the Lust kingdom appears to have that kind of influence within it. He used to be a charismatic bartender during prohibition and that has kind of stuck with him. He enjoys crafting new drinks both for mortals and Infernals (since they can’t get drunk off regular alcohol). He is also an avid reader.

3. What kind of stuff does he read?

💛 Hilariously he enjoys supernatural romance novels because they fascinate him. Why would mortals be interested in a being that could literally end their life easily? As one such being he finds it both amusing and curious. He also reading them to see what mortals are uh... "into". Other than that he likes reading anything supernatural/gothic fantasy based for “research”.

4. Does Costello share the same view on humans as Val?

💛 Val and he at one point help similar enjoyments fo mortal kind. They found that they were were entertaining and rather sweet to observe when falling in love. When they fell all they saw was darkness not just from mortals but also themselves. How lust overwhelms your thoughts and drives you to commit certain acts. Their opinions grew apart when Val was corrupted by their father, Darrius. They only were both brought back due to their brother Nas and the mortal they meet later in time, Evelyn Rodgers. Their nickname for her is Starlight.

5. Does Costello like animals?

💛 Yes he does! He has a specific affinity for the raven. 

6. Does Costello have a favorite drink? Alcoholic and non alcoholic.

💛 He enjoys most drinks but specifically a Galaxy Cocktail but with an Infernal twist. When it comes to non-alcoholic I would say that he is more of a coffee connoisseur so things like Mocha. He enjoys sweet things but not to the level that Val does. (btw that cocktail looks like this)

7. Would Costello be willing to befriend humans?

💛 Before the fall, absolutely but after the Fall and before Eve? No. Humans are just tools for his amusement and entertainment. I should mention that Costello while his father is in power goes off the rails... and is extraordinarily dangerous only when Nas pulls him back from that does he mellow out. During the 1920's he still has a superiority mindset and a master of emotional manipulation. He is however far...FAR more mellowed out at this time which is why he humors Eve the first time they meet.

8. What are Costello’s responsibilities in his kingdom? 💛 It really depends on when in the timeline you are asking about. If we're talking before Nas ascends to the throne of the realm? Then Costello's duties were much less. He assisted Nas who was High Prince of Lust at the time. He studied and learned, ready to take over for Nas if the other needed to leave or otherwise. Now that he is High Prince himself? His duties include the hefty amounts of paperwork ensuring every soul is accounted for. New souls that hold purity to fall under Nas' new ruling, getting where they need to go if they landed in his kingdom. He also handles some punishments for the wicked. He has to run the entirety of Lust kingdom. Valentine... yanno... somewhere... X’D (trust me he probably isn’t the best one to ask)

~Souly Damned Timeline~

Creation of the Realms: The Celestial, Infernal, and First Mortal Realm come into being. The Infernal realm is closed off leaving the Celestials to guide and shape humanity. There are intermittent wars with the Infernal beasts and Imps when they manage to break their gates. The garden of Paradise was also created at this time which houses those most loyal to their “gods”. It is also a fact that the Celestial blooded creatures were created at this time (unicorns are a good example, light fantasy creatures). They were placed in the Garden.  

The Celestial Civil War: Darrius and his sons rebel against the ways of the Silver City only to be stricken to the Infernal Realm. After this event the gates to the Celestial Realm are shut and mortals are forced to fend for themselves. 

The Rise of the 12 Princes: The now fallen Celestials begin to corrupt the souls of the mortals present being known as the Seven Deadly Sins. The mortals are easily swayed by their new rulers dubbing them King and Princes. Each one with its own people and territory to preside over. In this time the Princes begin to succumb more deeply to their darker sides, now shunning their once Celestial blood. 

Blood Moon: A period of time in between the rule of the Princes in the First Mortal Realm where 4 Princes began to experiment cruelly with their own corrupted blood and the mortal soul. The Infernal blooded hybrids come from this part of the timeline such as vampires, werewolves, and the fae.

The Vinculum Infernalis (Witches/Warlocks): With the Celestials gone the mortals were now forced to fend for themselves. In desperation they plead with their Fallen overlords to aid them. A blood binding contract was struck between them giving them magical abilities and a new tie to the Infernal Realm. This was also the creation of the first covens.

Maintaining the Balance (Hunters): Enraged by the tilt of the balance of the universe in Infernal favor the Celestials decide to form a similar bond with mortals creating the first Celestial blooded humans. They would eventually be called the Hunters as their “divine” task was to eradicate the First Mortal Realm of the Infernal Blooded abominations now that the Princes favored the newly created realm.

Long Live the King no more: After millenia of creating havoc and bloodshed without consequences the Princes begin to doubt the leadership of their father. They have slowly changed their mindsets about mortals all together after so much time. Instead of destroying everything in sight and soaking the earth with blood they begin to have an attachment. Their fathers' ways are despotic so in response to this Nasaros, the eldest, usurps his throne.  A second war is waged between those of Infernal and Celestial blood turning the First Mortal Realm into an almost apocalyptic wasteland filled to the brim with monsters and ruins. The Princes lose the war doing substantial damage to the Celestial Realm. It was no longer habitable and so a new balanced realm was created for the mortals to live in peace without fear of Celestial driven war or demonic influences.  

The Locking of the Gates: The gates of the three Realms are shut and locked in the beginning of the birth of the New Mortal Realm. The Princes are forced to make a new Kingdom within the Infernal Realm to which they have been banished. This forms “Hell” in which the decisions of a mortal's life determine where they go. If they revel in the original 7 sins then they are placed in the kingdom in which they over indulged in. The silver City was once again open to those of virtue but only after death. With no direct interference from either side the humans evolved and advanced on their own. This is what we know as the world today while the First Mortal Realm was now labeled as an in between realm. One that would eventually be called Purgatory, the realm of beasts, monsters, and the supernatural.

Bloodswap: A story set after the time frame of Blood Moon and the creation of the Hunters. It is about 2 brothers that become infected with a vampiric blood that is now turning their town to shambles. The gates have been sealed and those forced to live in Purgatory struggling to survive. The mortals have progressed slowly despite being an older realm. They are currently in what we would consider the middle ages with the help of Celestial technology. Once the gates are unsealed for the New Mortal Realm a new world order begins to form. (Crimson would be proud of his new vampiric race that has slowly taken over Purgatory, now more civilized as the rulers).

The New Mortal Realm and Purgatory: Purgatory remains in ruins though there are mortals that live in this apocalyptic wasteland of a world. That also includes monsters and hunters. Over the Centuries cracks within this forgotten realm have released some of its inhabitants into the New Mortal Realm (NMR). The original bloodline of the first covens also were able to make it into this new world fleeing from Purgatory with the help of their Infernal masters. The Mortal Realm is now in the modern day where many of the Infernal or Celestial blooded mortals or beasts hide in plain sight. Even some of the most vicious have adapted to this new apparently “magic-less” world.

Note: The gates are no longer locked indefinitely for either of the two main realms; this is why demons are able to make contracts with foolish mortals. The Celestials have been forbidden from interfering for fear of repeating the past but that does not mean that they do not do so. It is rumored that around the world are organizations created to combat in secret those Infernal blooded that lurk in the dark. Meanwhile the covens are more focused on their own material pursuits having been persecuted for centuries (Salem Witch Trials as an example).

Ossibus Inferni (1920’s; NMR):

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Main Plot Synopsis: During the era of the 1920’s a young lady named Evelyn Rodgers finds herself thrown into a Hellish Civil War. She is a small PI (Private Investigator) hurting for cash and jobs in a place wrought with problems. In an effort to make a better name for herself she begins to investigate the rise of crime and strange occurrences happening in her city. There are suspicious disappearances, missing persons reports, and extra violence that couldn’t be missed by human eyes, right? It just does not seem to add up. Determined and with nothing to lose she is able to put together a series of connections by using some none to savory contacts. 

She finds out that the potential epicenter of these events are tied to owners of one of the swankiest and popular clubs in town. It is suspected that it is a speakeasy but that is not what has drawn her attention. It would appear that the family running the place have been a mystery to nearly everyone even though they have been around longer than they can recall. No one knows what the owners look like due to usually having their signature fedoras on. Ones that she can place all around the city through various photographs. It could be anyone, right?

Regardless of the information that she has collected she decides to go undercover to the club, Ossibus Ignem (Fire and Bone), in order to confirm her suspicions. She decides that auditioning for one of their most prized gigs is a good way to get into their inner circle and perhaps get a glimpse of her potential employers. Eve wants the truth and nothing but the truth though this plan is incredibly risky. Even if the brothers, as she finds out later, are not the cause of these events they could still be nefarious. No one likes a spy, especially one that’s gained their trust.

As she enters she realizes that it is packed like the rumors have told her. She does not get out much due to her job but she is dressed to the 9s in a beautiful dress of the time ready to put her plan into effect. Instead of waiting around she heads to the bar where she is spotted by the seemingly charismatic bartender which she manages to strike up a conversation with. She tries to pick his brain over a drink that he generously slides her way. It would seem that the establishment is already breaking the laws of Prohibition. That much is already confirmed.

He seems like the friendly sort, platinum blonde hair and a dazzling smile. Eve being a PI calls into question how perfect he actually looks but puts the thought off. She could have sworn his eyes were far more vibrant than what was humanly possible too. When she glances at him again however they appear to be a light brown instead. Things are already strange as she continues to speak with him only to find out that he is in fact one of the brothers that work at the club. It turns out to be a family business. He introduces himself as Costello -. 

Eventually their conversation is cut short by Costello taking her to the back of the house where presumably his brother is waiting for her to do her little gig. She paces back and forth nervously in her dressing room only to not watch where she is going, running into a tall individual. His pinstripe suit, fedora, and bright red tie cause her to pause only to be greeted with a shiny golden toothed smile. The strange thing about it is that it is shaped into a fang/ canine tooth. It is a little off putting but the stranger introduces himself as the younger brother of the group, Valentine -.

This is someone that she had no doubt is in all the photographs that she had collected. Ultimately he seems nice enough telling her that if she needs anything to let him know and to take her time with her audition. He does appear to have a mischievous flirty side to him especially with her which she tries to distance herself from. He does not make that easy as she can tell he has already taken a special interest in her. 

She performs and it would seem that she has a pretty singing voice that leaves the entire crowd roaring in applause. This obviously catches the eyes of the brothers and she gets the gig. Other than a few of the accidental slip ups the boys seem fine with her being around them. She doesn’t pose any threat. After all, she is only human. 

Eve begins to enjoy her undercover position but finds herself slipping further and further away from her original objective. The - family puts her up in the loft above the club and treats her well. She learns more about them and more about the family itself. They are pretty open with what they do not even hiding the crime lord status that they are under. Being associated with the brothers is dangerous and therefore they want to make sure she understands what it means to be under the name of -. 

She is surprised by their honesty and immediately they gain her trust and vice versa. That is until she realizes why she is there in the first place. After one of her performances she manages to get into Valentine’s room, snooping around. Only to find something she wasn’t expecting of a bunch of crime mafiosos. Instead she finds arcane symbols, tomes, and various other occult items that would lead her to the conclusion that they are in fact dealing with something far beyond the mortal realm. At least that is what she thinks. 

The concern only grows when she finds a secret room with even more devilish items. One such item is a series of documents showing the various victims she had been investigating. On top of that information she finds even darker dealings then she suspected and papers scrawled with a script she has never seen before. As she turns to leave the room she freezes to hear Valentine’s voice. He is none too thrilled as he interrogates her but she can’t see his face. All she can feel are skeletal like claws at her shoulders. It’s all in her head right?

When he turns her around she is faced with him looking quite human explaining to her the predicament she now finds herself in. As her confusion grows he keeps her cornered only to be given two choices. One is that she binds her soul to him in the form of a contract and the other, death. Obviously she chooses to live. After this event she is able to see the true forms of all the Infernals in the club, having a panic moment seeing them mingling so easily with unsuspecting humans. Valentine, Luciano, and Costello are the most terrifying in form as they are skeleton looking Infernals. From then on she works in the club learning more and more about their true selves.

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[bucksblr]

tagged by @leonzhng​ thanks for making me dig through my most embarrassing crushes 😭✋

i’ll tag @highwarlockkareena​ @yibobibo​ @lan-xichens​ @purplexedhuman​ @aheartfullofjolllly​ @lanzhansmiles​ @nyx4​ i feel like i tag you guys in everything i am so sorry please ignore this if u don’t wanna do it !!

putting this under a read more for reasons

MEN 2010 – 2016

literally nothing more embarrassing than falling on the same type of white man over and over again (with the exception of minho from shinee bless his heart)

tommy joe ratliff → he was the bass player for adam lambert during his glamnation era (think of songs like for your entertainment and if i had you) idk why exactly i liked him so much but i just did.... however i searched him up again quite recently and found out he’s one of those republicans that says the dumbest shit on twitter so Big Yikes

harry styles → “baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, and when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell...” and BOOM 13-year-old me was sold for well over two years

louis tomlinson → basically i liked harry most until around 2013 when for some reason i started to like him a little less, and i got more focused on louis tomlinson, and although i didn’t like one direction anymore louis tomlinson always had a special place in my heart

ashton irwin → so ashton is 5sos’ drummer, i discovered 5sos through one direction & i stanned them until late 2014

harries twins → the harries twins (jack & finn) are basically the reason i started spending a lot of time on youtube, they were funny and pretty and they just had good videos in general, so for almost two years i’d watch their content regularly

choi minho → my first steps into kpop happened bc i was watching videos on youtube (most probably the harries twins) and suddenly i saw the sherlock mv in my recommended videos so i clicked on it and then 14-year-old me proceeded to fall for minho like an idiot

brooks twins → still youtubers, the brooks twins were 3/5 of the janoskians (jai & luke brooks, beau brooks, daniel sahyounie, & james yammouni), an australian youtube comedy group that was active from 2011-2018 though i was only around from 2012-2014 (when jai brooks was dating ariana grande)

jc caylen → surprise! another youtuber! jc caylen was part of o2l (our2ndlife) a youtube collaboration channel on which each of the 6 members posted videos on a certain day in the week (mondays with connor, tuesdays with ricky, wednesdays with sam, thursdays with jc, fridays with trevi (my 2nd favorite member bc she participated on the x factor), saturdays with ricardo, and then they had surprise sundays every week) and i remember how much joy jc & the others always brought me with their silly videos

misha collins → up next, you might know him as the gay angel that was sent to superhell after confessing his love to the homophobic hunter on supernatural, it’s misha collins! basically misha was a huge source of comfort for me, and i even went around calling myself emmisha for almost two full years (cringe)

henrik holm → he played even bech naesheim in skam and my crush on him reached that level of ridiculousness where i actually tried my hand at learning norwegian (i can only remember how to introduce myself and some curse words i would make a great first impression on him)

MEN 2016 – 2021

min yoongi → okay so my baby steps into kpop happened through shinee’s sherlock, but i only got really invested when yoongi dropped agust d 1 because Holy Fuck y’know??

kim namjoon → oh man i remember thinking namjoon was cute and a very good leader and then BAM he dressed like THAT at the 2016 mma’s and i fell in love. hard

park seojoon → i started liking park seojoon whilst i was watching hwarang (you guessed it, i watched it bc of taehyung), although he wasn’t my favorite character by far, but he was very silly off camera & i liked that (i’m not that into him anymore tho </3)

kim seokjin → OH BOY LET ME TELL U i liked seokjin from the very beginning (i got to know bts in late 2014) and i always liked seeing him perform and be himself and god once i realized i had a crush on him it just hit me like a mf truck, and he’s still one of my favorite people to this day

jung hoseok → god fake love era hoseok really hits different.... also yes i know i have all of bts’ hyung line on my list BUT bts was a really big part of my life for almost 6 years soooo honestly they deserve it i still think they’re great guys

choi san → when ateez made their debut in 2018 i immediately fell in love with san, he was such an amazing dancer and he captivated me right from the very beginning, to this day he’s still my bias in ateez uwu

xiao zhan → AND THEN, OCTOBER OF 2019 HAPPENS AND I WATCH CQL AND... i fall in love with xiao zhan, something i’d never expected would happen bc when i watched cql for the first time i wasn’t as invested in the story, but i really really really liked xiao zhan and one thing led to another and now here i am as a xfx

wang yibo → the thing is, i’ve known yibo since eoeo except i didn’t know cql yibo was uniq yibo (bc i’d forgotten his name) and when i looked it up i can tell you my jaw dropped to the floor bc holy shit????? also he is very silly and i love him loads ok

lee minho → ah, the man who has been my skz bias since 2018, not only is minho my bias i also kin him (there’s a lot of aspects of myself that i see in minho and vice versa) and he’s very comforting to me

bang chan → honestly, it was only a matter of time before i’d fall for bang chan, i knew the moment i got into skz again that i’d start biasing him and, well, here i am, double biasing chan & minho

WOMEN

this list is shorter bc i’ve in general always had less crushes on women than on men??? blame society forcing me into thinking i was straight for a LONG time

ariana grande → remember the 2011 layout of twitter?? where u could not only have an icon and a header, but also a background and ur twitter page was smack in the center of ur screen with the big ugly menu bar at the top??? yeah ariana grande was always my background for my l*rr* st*l*n*s*n layouts

perrie edwards → this was right around the time she was dating zayn & little mix was breaking out into the spotlight, yeah i just really loved her

andrea russett → okay so remember o2l?? andrea russett was kian’s girlfriend for a pretty long time and they always did videos together and i always thought she was super pretty

lily collins → maybe i don’t like clary in tmi all that much but i sure liked the way lily collins looked

alona tal → MY BISEXUAL AWAKENING, it’s only when i saw alona tal in spn that i realized, fuck i might be gay

park jihyo → i discovered twice (my 2nd jype group after day6) through the like ooh-ahh mv and red-haired jihyo really did something to my heart (i just rewatched it and god zombie bang chan is so mf cute)

kim jisoo → when bp made their square two comeback i was immediately smitten for red-haired jisoo in playing with fire, it’s also when i realized she was my bias out of the four members

shin ryujin → the reason that i have blue hair is partially bc of ryujin and her amazing intro in wannabe :D

xuan lu → her portrayal of jiang yanli was SO ON POINT and she’s just such a kindhearted wonderful person wow i want her hand in marriage

lee yoobin → god i’ve known dreamcatcher from back when they were still called minx and ever since i’ve always looked at dami that bit more than the rest, i was also able to see dreamcatcher live in october of 2019 and the whole experience was just so amazing !!

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

there’s a whole lot more than just these 10 but i wanted to fit the evolution into one (1) slide as best as i could lmao

peter pan → this movie came out in 2003 (?) and he’s honestly the first fictional character i remember ever having a crush on

legolas → i was really doubting between placing haldir or legolas here but i only really got a vague haldir obsession when i was like 14

zuko → LOOK. ZUKO IN ATLA? HOT. ZUKO IN LOK? HOT EVEN IF HE’S AN OLD MAN.

will turner → man was annoying sometimes but i really liked him and his relationship with elizabeth was cute

jo harvelle → gosh i can’t believe she’s the only female character in here???? yeah she was one of my two spn faves and i’ll never forgive the screenwriters for the way they killed her off

castiel → does your fave ever get sent to super hell for being gay? no? well. mine did

kili → fili and kili’s storyline tore my heart out, spit on it, and then laughed straight in my face, KILI WAS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE DWARF

howl → i only watched this movie for the first time in 2020 so i kinda fucked up the tl cause i watched cql in 2019 but shh, anyways howl with his blonde hair was good looking but howl with his black hair just hits differently. i want a howl

lan jingyi → MY BABY BOY, TINIE LITTLE BABIE WHOMST I MUST PROTECT ok no but seriously this kid. i love him a lot

mu qing → BARK BARK. that’s all (that’s not all i love him a whole lot and it hurts me to see so many people misunderstand his character and only see the bad parts of him when they can forgive others for fucking up (eg. xie lian himself & feng xin) but bc mu qing doesn’t deal well with emotions suddenly he’s the bad guy??? i s2g if ppl are gonna do to him what they did to jiang cheng in the tgcf la i will RIOT)

[haveyouseenthis]

I’m staring to wonder...

After playing/watching Until Dawn, Man of Medan, and Little Hope, I’ve kind of got this theory going. I don’t know how well it’s going to hold up since depending on how you look at it we’re only 2-3 games into this whole mess, but so far I like how it looks.

My theory, my guess, my thought, my idea....whatever you want to call it - I think all of the antagonists in the Dark Pictures Anthology will be human, not supernatural. More specifically, each game is about humans dealing with extreme emotions and the consequences of their reactions and decisions.

Hear me out!

*spoilers*

Look at Until Dawn

There are two primary antagonists in the game: The Psycho/Josh and the wendigos.

Josh seems well-adjusted when we first meet him, which seems incredibly weird, but we quickly realize that he is far from fine. He is dealing with mental illness exacerbated by grief over the still relatively recent disappearance of his two sisters. Although it is never explicitly stated, it’s not difficult to imagine that Josh and his family at least suspect their family members are dead. Over the course of the game, we see Josh lose his grip on his sanity. With each scene he seems a little more unhinged, culminating in his exposure as The Psycho and subsequent punishment. The final time we see Josh, he has transformed into the second, are much scarier, antagonist of the series: The Wendigo.

The Wendigo, we learn, are born of a curse. They are humans who turned to eating human flesh to stay alive and consequently were possessed by the spirit of a wendigo. They are strong and deadly, a nearly perfect killer and a great horror movie monster.

But Tek, you say. The wendigos are supernatural monsters! You said everything will be about people.

It is.

Yes, the wendigos become the main threat of the game, but they only exist because of people. As a consequence of truly desperate situations, people made the choice that turned them into monsters. Similarly, Josh, driven to extremes by his anger, chose to put in place a plan to endanger his friends. While he could not have known the full extent of what would happen that night, Josh was the spark that lit the flame of their (potential) demise.

Until Dawn, at it’s core, is about what happens when people are left with nothing but desperation and despair.

Okay fine, you don’t believe me still. I get it; I do. Until Dawn isn’t the best example with it’s supernatural monsters. But what about Man of Medan?

If you’ve played Man of Medan, then you know that there was nothing supernatural happening on that ship - except maybe the fact that it was somehow still floating after nearly a century. The cargo is to blame for everything. Whatever the concoction was, it was literally scaring people to death. That is, if someone else didn’t get scared and kill you first.

The pirates, however, start us off. As far as antagonists go, they are menacing, but nothing compared to the mystery we saw in the prologue. You feel as if you’re biding your time until the real threat arrives.

And when it does, you’re already in the thick of it. You’ve seen each character make decisions that can potentially threaten themselves and those around them. Before you even reach the ship, you’ve been introduced to the idea of people as the antagonists of the game. The question then becomes how do these new antagonists fit in with what you already saw?

Very well, it turns out. The gas plays with the mind, causing the characters, both playable and pirate, to go mad with fear. And here is where we hit upon the core of the game.

Man of Medan is about fear. Plain and simple. It’s a kind of fear that plays with the mind and turns people into their own worst enemies. Depending on how you played the game, fear could’ve made you fall to your death or kill someone you love. Fear could’ve caused a pirate to kill you. Fear is the name of the game here. Extreme fear and what it makes people do.

So where does Little Hope fit I can hear you asking. I’d be happy to tell you.

Like Medan, how emotions play with the mind is at the center of Little Hope. Say what you will about the ending - I thought it was good - but every monster in the game springs from the mind of one man. The horror was connected to trauma and grief. Each demon that chased them down was representative of how Anthony’s family died. The unthinkable events of real life made tangible horror. The ‘monster’ hunting Anthony down is his survivor’s guilt.

But even if it wasn’t all in his head, the story’s antagonist is still very human. The overlapping characters of Reverend and Mayor Carver show the destruction one man can bring. Each is responsible for the destruction of their own towns. Reverend Carver, especially, takes on characteristics of the ‘monsters’ in Anthony’s life. The connection with his namesake is obvious, but he also represents Anthony’s conflicted feelings as to Megan’s guilt. I doubt that the demon we see Megan talking to before the fire is real. I think, more likely, it is a representation of the ambiguity of Megan’s guilt and intentions. Despite his anger, Anthony cannot ever bring himself to allow for Megan’s total guilt. If she set the fire on purpose, which I personally doubt, then Anthony, on some level, concludes she must have been manipulated. In 1972 it’s the demon. In 1632, it’s Reverend Carver. Reverend Carver also has obvious connections to the priest Reverend Carter from Anthony’s own time, mainly his obsession with the occult. While it’s not quite clear why Carter was fascinated, we’re given the explanation that Carver was trying to recover his wife. To be honest, I’m not sure what Carter’s occult fascination has to do with him being an antagonist, but I do think it’s important to establishing a connection between him and the other reverend. This connection is exemplified in their connection to Megan. To be frank, I think the priest was molesting Megan. I think that’s why her behavior was poor. I think that’s why her grades started slipping. I think that’s why she acted strange and closed off. She wasn’t possessed by some supernatural demon, she was dealing with her own trauma.

It should also be noted that the supplementary townspeople do not have faces, making them appear monstrous and alien. I’m sure this is an echo of what Anthony felt after initially taking the blame for the fire.

Finally, with the exception of Anthony, the characters are exceptionally unlikable. Were you to try and play them in character, you would likely succeed in driving a wedge between the group members. I note this because the game rewards you for not being antagonistic towards your group mates. It’s a small detail, but one that I think reinforces the idea that people are the real things to be feared in these games.

All this to say, Little Hope is about dealing with grief and trauma, how it effects the mind, how it eats away at you until it is the thing that chases you in the dark.

With only a couple games out, I have no idea whether this theory will hold true or not. And really, how fitting for a game based around choices. Of course the choices people make under pressure can become the most threatening thing around us. Still, regardless of whether this theory holds true, I just hope they continue to tell good stories.

I do have a couple guessed for House of Ashes though. If my theory holds, I think there’s a chance the antagonist will either be some sort of religious cult, enemy guerillas or soldiers, or perhaps even a double agent within your own group. Personally, I would love to see something with the last one, maybe even in combination with the first. Maybe the statue that we see is some underground temple that has been disturbed and this group sent someone to stop whatever is being done around it. I don’t know.

But whatever the story, I think the monster will be human.

[amiwritesthings]

Fic Writer Questions

thanks to @venhedish for the tag, this actually got me thinking on a few things lmao

1 ) How many works do you have on AO3?

currently 17, will probably add no 18 tonight. there’s also a bunch only published on ff.net (from when i wasn’t on AO3 yet) and yet another motherload of self-indulgent shit rotting on my hard drive.

2 ) What’s your total AO3 word count?

80781 words, about 60k of that from this year alone. i took a major break from writing 2010ish and really just got back into it during quarantine last year.

3 ) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

7 on AO3. Supernatural, The Last Ship, Walker 2021, Men’s Hockey RPF, TVD, Graceland, Chicago Fire. for purposes of saving myself the embarrassment, we’ll limit this answer to just the AO3 stuff. 😂

4 ) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

ooooh boy, maybe a little embarrassment after all.

A Trip to the South (TVD)

hey lookie, my incest glorifying days did not actually start with SPN lol. Salvatore brothers feeding together, blood sharing and enjoying it. I blame this being at the top solely on the fact that it’s been up since 2013 because it’s really nothing special.

when i dream (I’m doing you all night) (SPN)

Collection of (mostly smutty) deanjohn Tumblr prompts, i can blame most of those on other people lmao

Holding on (until it’s over) (Graceland)

Episode Tag to 1x10, Johnny/Briggs because even then i was obsessed with manny montana and i refuse to apologize for it.

11:59 (Men’s Hockey RPF)

Sean Avery/Henrik Lundqvist Hooker!AU, and yeah that’s pretty much it.

even whiskey can’t do (what you do when you kiss me that way)

OG Stanford Era deanjohn first time smut, my first foray into SPN fics.

5 ) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

YES, i try to respond to all comments. sometimes RL gets in the way but as a rule i try to always respond. i love getting comments so i feel like appreciating the time the commenter took to bring me this joy. ♥️

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

boy, this is a hard one. I’m not all that good with writing angst but i guess if I had to pick something i’d say don’t give up now (there’s already so much at stake), mostly because of the character’s frame of mind in general and the impending threat of invading a foreign country to overthrow a dictator the next day while being mentally wrecked.

7 ) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

i’m not against it but i’ve never actually done it.

8 ) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not that I recall. but i guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing, i struggle way more with getting no feedback at all.

9 ) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

do i? DO I? yeah, i do. usually the kind the story requires which can range from soft to awkward to plain filthy. also whatever kind the kinky anons drop in my inbox, i’m trying to keep an open mind.

10 ) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i’m aware of. I don’t really operate in the super popular corners of the fandoms i’m in so i don’t think anyone feels the need to. it’d be pretty obvious to all the 10-20 people who are into that shit anyway lol

11 ) Have you ever had a fic translated?

again, not really running in the popular corners of fandom (rare pairs ftw) so imma say no. I could probably translate them myself but writing in my first language is fuckin awkward so no thank you.

12 ) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I’m a pretty solitary writer. I do love to come play in other writer’s ‘verses though if they don’t mind. i have written a few things in @vintagedean ‘s married!vibes for example (thanks for letting me play, dude!)

13 ) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

jeez, i don’t know. i’ve never really stuck with just one fandom, i’m a notorious multi-fandom multi-shipper. i’m the kind of person who watches eps of 4 different shows in one day and yells at the tv about all of them.

14 ) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

we make a long way from easy lovin‘ look good, baby. i was honestly so invested in this project but then they completely torpedoed this pairing in canon in the worst possible way and i kinda lost the drive to keep writing. i have posted it to my graveyard collection of unfinished stuff for now but i don’t think i will finish it, sadly.

15 ) What are your writing strengths?

creating emotions, hitting you in the feels, or so I’ve been told. i like to think that (given that English is not my first language) just reaching the kind of level i’m at now can be considered a strength.

16 ) What are your writing weaknesses?

run-on sentences, endless run-on sentences. they serve a purpose SOMETIMES but mostly it’s just me and my rambly writing style. and repetition. i have actually started searching my writing docs for specific phrases while editing to catch most of them and rephrase. not being able to include just a bit of angst without it turning into an existential crisis for the character and me. and the worst thing I keep doing that i’m not able to stop is writing shit out of order. i start with the beginning, then some idea for the middle pops up, then I write the end and then I have to somehow weave it all together, it’s so inconvenient and annoying.

17 ) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i speak a few languages (or you know, at least can understand/write/read them) so as long as i’m sure that it’s correct and it fits the story, I’m all for it!! language kink ftw.

18 ) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

it was either music or hockey rpf, i’m not even sure anymore at this point, that was like 20 years ago. nothing that ever got published anywhere lol

19 ) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

my name engraved on your heart, hands down. that is my beloved, my baby, the project nearest and dearest to my heart. i can actually read this and enjoy it without nitpicking my own writing at every turn and i’m just so happy with the overall vibe of it. it’s like a niche in a niche of a fandom thing though, so i get that it doesn’t resonate as strongly with others as it does with me but it is my favorite of favorites.

honorable mention to the house don’t fall (when the bones are good), though, because it’s what got me back into writing and it was my biggest (published) project and that fix-it needed to be written.

i think all my fellow fic writer mutuals have already been tagged in this, so i'm not gonna add y'all again but feel free to steal if this strikes your fancy.

[abcreid]

Wrong  Choice Ruins Everything (2)

Spencer Reid x Reader

Hey guys this is me posting a new story since June last year. I’m sorry for whoever wait for me to update something and sorry for the bad english. i might forgot some vocabs and ending up using the common word over and over. but i hope you enjoy! Inspires from Season 15 Episode 06 - Date Night.

Contains of Spoiler if you haven’t watch the episode.

Part 1

Masterlist

-

“Hey what’s up?” That was the first question he askes when he picked up his call. Emily perhaps. “All right i’ll be right in.” “Uh-huh. All right. Understood.”

He hung up the call, turn back facing you eating the pancake you made in the tiny kitchen in your and Spencer’s apartment. Judging by his face, something wrong happened at BAU. “What happen? New case?”

“Yup.” He took his coat and kissed my forehead. “I gotta go.” Then he kissed your big tummy. Well actually he tried to kissed you and his soon to be daughter. You’re 8 months pregnant and you took your sabbatical because you weren’t in shape to be a field agent anf lately you felt more tired than you ever be. And now you just sitting silently at home waiting for your husband to come home.

“Call me when you get there. Say hi for everyone okay?” Spencer smiled and closed the door behind him. You sighed. You really missed being at BAU but your body couldn’t take any fatigue or you fainted.

Meanwhile at BAU, Spencer walked in hurry to brief room and met Rossi and Emily. “Catch me up.”

“Early this morning, Garcia got an email from an anonymous server.” She pointing remote to the monitor and the picture of a woman between an old man and a young girl. “She’s not obscuring her face, telling us she’s got nothing to hide.”

“Any ideas on the victims or unsub?” Spencer asked.

“No, Only the unsub's demand. That we release Catherine Adams in 24 hours.” Emily handed him files of Cat Adams. “I'm having her transferred here for questioning, but we have no illusions. This is just a game to her. We know that. “ She hesitated. “The question is, do we want to play it or not?”

Right now, Spencer was speechless. He thought his life would be happy without anyone’s shadow.

The rest of the team gathered in front of the glass door to see Cat Adams being escourted to the interrogation room.

“She's a contract killer?” Simmons asked. Garcia nodded. “Yeah. But she’s much, much more than that, too.” ”She's a black widow. She preys on men she can seduce. She thrives on psychological seduction.” JJ added.

Tara explained more to Simmons. “She's one of the most dangerous criminals we've ever arrested, and she is obsessed with Reid. He's the only man to ever outsmart her.”

“Oh, and don’t forget the part that she’s YN cousin.” The way Garcia said it made Simmons gaped in disbelief. “Long short story Cat went missing for 10 years accorded to YN then Spencer tried to outsmart Cat and she got arrested, she met YN outside the restaurant. Bla bla bla she hated YN so bad and vice versa. OH and you remembered when Reid got arrested in Mexico when you were still in IRT? It was all Cat’s game to destroy YN and Spencer. I feel bad to YN. She’s very strong.”

“Did she knew about this?” Luke asked. Everyone just shrugged. “I can’t imagine being pregnant and this thing came up from nowhere. I hope she already knew it.”

at the same time, Spencer lean against the wall in the interrogating room facing the only Cat Adams, who tried to ruin his life multiple times.

Cat started to smirked. “Classic negotiating technique. First one who speaks loses, right?”

“You arranged the kidnapping of two people and you did it the same way you did it before, through a partner on the outside. But her demand, "release Cat Adams," that will never happen. So, tell me what you want right now, before I send you back to prison.” Spencer started to outraged.

“Calm down, Spencie. I would like to go on a date with you. I want to look pretty and i want to have fun.”

“The only date that I'll be there for is the one where they stick a needle in your vein.”

Then Cat laughed. “I hear a wedding bells right know. Did you hear it too?” Her eyes spotted a gold ring in his finger. “Is that a ring from 4 years ago? When you said you wanted me to kill your pregnant wife, do you still mean it until today?”

“How did you... don’t you ever dare to touch YN.” He yelled and slammed the door. He ran to the conference room and the theam already there to discuss about the case. “It has something to do with YN. I don’t want to burden her with all of this.”

-

An hour later YN was picked up by JJ and Simmons. They didn’t tell her the reason because they didn’t want to frightened her.

“YN,” Spencer greeted her at the elevator when it reached level 6. “I’m sorry to involved you but this is important.” He lead you to the conference room and you could see a familiar picture at the monitor. “Do you recognice those people on that picture?”

You frowned. Not because you angry or something, but you confused. “Yeah, that’s... uh... George on the left and i think she’s her daughter Millie. And i had no idea who’s the girl between them.” You can read Spencer’s face that he need more explication. “They’re Catherine’s relatives from his dad. Wait, is this something to do with her? What happened? Did she tried to hurt them?

You started to panicked and Spencer hugged you. “Don’t worry honey, everything is controlled.”

“Do you know her?” Garcia came from nowhere and gave you a flyer.

“That was Susan, her mom. What the hell?” You pulled out from his hug and smelled something suspicious. “Tell me what is going on or i will walked by myself to where Catherine is.”

Spencer explained everything he could while Garcia held youd shoulders. You breathed heavily and tried to processed everthing Spencer said. JJ offered you mineral water and you drank it.

“I let you twice near that hit woman, Spencer. That Mexico event was really hit me hard.” Your tears start to fall from your eyes. “I want to see her now.”

“YN, YN please listen to me,” Garcia interupped you. “You are 8 months pregnant and it much bigger than watermelon sweety. You have to rest and you can’t be stressfull and i don’t want something happen to my beautiful god daughter.”

Emily finally let you to see Cat.

You opened the door and saw her smirked.

“That belly is very big, YN.” Her glare really want to make you puke. “So you are the pregnant wife Spencie told me 4 years ago at Harry & Glenn’s Grill and Bar.”

“What are you up to? You really sacrificed your family for your own sake. Sound really desperate at the end of your life.” You pull the chair and sit. “You were manipulative, right at 14 years ago, you convinced me to steal money from your dad and i did it. You were vengeful to your ex’s new girlfriend and you almost killed her. Just like what you did to Spencer in Mexico. We were months away of getting married and somehow you at the prison knew shit and tried to tear us apart by made Spencer went to jail, then made someone kidnapped my mother in law. And now, you really want to take away my husband, don’t you? Why you didn’t try harder... like kidnapped me, tortured me, or even killed me?”

She silenced for a while. “I would never do that to you. I didn’t want to hurt Spencer either.” “You should tell Garcia to check her email.”

You went out and watched the video that sent to Garcia’s mail. 

“We have fewer than 12 hours left. I don't think she'll fire blanks again.” Emily worried. “If we give Cat what she wants, we can profile what she says on the date.” She looked at you begging. “She always trips up. She always reveals her Achilles heel. And she always does it with Spencer. Please YN, this is the only way.”

-

She held your husband’s arm and walked confidently to the lift. But before they reach the elevator, they stopped right in front of you who stood alone while holding your belly. Cat signed him and he took of the ring off his finger and handed it to you.

“Don’t wait up.” Then they entered the elevator leaving you crying.

tags:  @chocok22 , @cynbx, @literallyprentissstwin, @literallyreid, @princessjellyfishbitch, @eideticreid, @saltedfire, @everyday-imfangirling, @stories-you-wont-hear, @dontshootmespence, @pandedios-carli @spencerreiddaily @spencerreidreads @spence-imagines @reid-effect @lil-loki @bloodylollipopkid @starsshines-blog @photogrxphinggg @queenofthehobos @twosaylorghosts @yukitsubute @thatwrestlingfan91 @qu3n-elizab3th @romee125 @scatchia@nomajdetective @arttasticgreatnessoftheawesome77 @xocriminal-minds-imaginesxo @supernatural-dolan

[thran-duils]

Devils Look Like Angels (Ch. 12)

Title: Devils Look Like Angels (Chapter 12) Summary:  Fem!Reader x Psychotic!Castiel. An unhinged, criminal, supernatural artifact collector extraordinaire… and the reader caught his eye. It will not take her long to realize that beneath the charm and mystique is a crazed killer who will go to great lengths to woo her. Words: 1,609 Warnings (for the fic in entirety): Stalking, angst, death/murder, violence

Chap 11 || Chap 13 || Masterpost || Fanfic masterpost

You were accosted the moment you walked through the bunker door. Castiel had dropped you off down the street per your request and you had walked the remainder of the way. The bright side of him driving you was that you now knew the make of his car and the license plate. Although, it could have simply just been a rental, you still had some idea of what to look out for.

“What the fuck?” Dean demanded as you descended the stairs.

“I’m fine,” you sighed, carrying the bag of your dirty clothes and the swimsuit that Castiel insisted you take with you.

“I can see that. But it doesn’t do a damn thing about answering my question, does it?”

Placing the bag down on the table, you leveled them both with a hard stare. “He took me from the bar.”

“Gathered that much,” Dean quipped.

“If you’re gonna be a jackass—”

“We were – are – worried, Y/N,” Sam interjected. “It scared the hell out of us.”

Breathing in deep you tried to calm yourself again. This was not your fault and it was so hard to separate yourself from the blame since you had not been acting smart.

“I needed to pee. Like I told you, Sam, before you went to check on the food. So, I tried to. The line was long, and I don’t know! I just needed to go, and I tried to get to the men’s room and ended up outside. And I went out there in the sticks. But then Castiel was there when I was heading back in. He was accusing me of avoiding him and it was scary.”

“I tried to bypass him by brushing him off but then he said he had men inside. He was really, really fucking mad you guys ‘let’ – insert finger motion, illustrating to them your disdain for his verbiage – “Me get so drunk. Said it wasn’t keeping in good health or something. I didn’t want him to hurt you for some imagined slight – and he did threaten to. So, I agreed to go.”

“I woke up next to him, fully clothed. He made me breakfast. We went on the speed boat provided by the rental, which you know, was fun.” Dean scoffed and you finished harshly, “He fished, cooked the fish for dinner, we ate, you called.”

You fell silent, waiting for them to react.

Dean looked at Sam and said, “We can’t go anywhere.” His attention was back on you. “You’re not safe anywhere. How the hell does he know? Every time?”

“He wouldn’t tell me. I asked.”

“Of course he wouldn’t.”

“I don’t believe he wants to harm me. Not after this.”

Dean barked out a humorless laugh. “Oh, okay. That helps the situation. He just wants to possess you like one of his artifacts and play psychotic games and kill people!”

What he said hit hard and you found it hard to stifle your emotion.

Stepping towards you, Dean told you firmly, “He is unstable, Y/N. We all know this. he is a cold-blooded killer. And to me it sounds like you’re defending him? And saying it was fun?”

“I wasn’t defending him! And it was, despite the circumstance!”

“Just downplaying the severity of the situation then.”

You were silent.

Sam asked, “Why didn’t you contact us?”

Throwing him an annoyed look, you snipped, “I didn’t exactly have my phone. As you know.”

“Well,” Dean said. “If you were as safe as you say you were, why wouldn’t he let you let us know? And if that was all a ruse, why didn’t you fight back?”

“And possibly get killed, Dean? I didn’t know what he was going to do during all of it!” you yelled, finally losing your temper.

Dean’s face fell, anger melting.

“Last time, he had a bunch of people around and I was more concerned about them than myself! This time… it was just me.” You threw your hands out by your sides helplessly. “Just me! That is what I was focusing on. Especially at some lake where he could easily dispose of me if he had the desire to do so! Kill me, weight me down, and toss me in the middle in the dead of night! So, no. I didn’t actively fight back. I went with the flow. But I was sure as hell ready to fight if I needed to.”

Chest heaving from your adrenaline, you stared at the pair of them. Your fear was laid out on the table.

Sam swallowed, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry. ‘Last time’?”

Dean had not seemed to catch that but now his brows were furrowed, looking at you accusingly.

Shit.

“I…I met him for a concert. In Kansas City. And nothing happened. He was normal. And that’s what’s so scary. I was waiting for him to snap at any momenta and blow up the theater or just kill me. But he just wanted a night out with me.”

“So… those back to back movies you saw in Kansas City…?” Sam asked.

“Yeah.”

Dean swore and you said defensively, “I thought appeasing him might chill him out a bit!”

“Cause that usually works with stalkers!” Dean retorted.

“Dean, I did what I thought was best!”

“Well you were flat out wrong, Y/N!”

“I’m with Dean, Y/N. That was stupid,” Sam chimed in. You gave him an incredulous look and he argued in turn, “Don’t give me that look. We are a team. And keeping things like this from each other is a surefire way to fail. Especially in dangerous situations like this. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for some cause without us at your back!”

You scoffed loudly, “Really? You’re going to lecture me about personal sacrifices? Didn’t you two die all the while... never mind. Forget this. I’m tired!”

You snatched up the bag and moved around the table to go to your room.

Sam reached out and grasped your arm, “Y/N, this isn’t done—”

Yanking away from him, you spat, “For now it is! Leave me alone. Both of you.”

You did not let them utter another word before storming off, leaving them behind you.

<> <> <>

It took until late the next morning for them to corner you in the kitchen as you were trying to sneak some food for yourself. Your plan had been to continue hiding in your room, simmering in your anger. But they were not going to have it.

Sitting at the table across from them, Dean started, “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to what you were trying to say. But damnit, Y/N. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I already told you why.” Catching the glint of annoyance in his eyes, you added, “Look, if he hadn’t of cornered me like that, I wouldn’t have met him. I’d been putting him off for weeks. He left me some airline tickets to Hawaii – and he went by himself apparently, thinking I would actually show up and was extremely upset I hadn’t – and he’s invited me to dinner. Ever since that night when I blew up on him. I was actively avoiding him, he was right.”

“I know it was stupid, but I really didn’t have a choice. And I know that this has got to stop. The good thing is that he can’t get inside here. And he shouldn’t because of all the shit that’s in here. I can’t imagine what a person like him would do with it.”

You stalled, a thought coming to you then.

Of course.

Sam noticed, “What?”

“That’s it…” you said quietly before repeating it more loudly. “That’s it. We have a couple bone knives, don’t we?”

“Yeah. They’re locked up,” Sam answered. “Why?”

You were gaining confidence, excitement brewing at the possibility of solving this whole mess. “I need to give him one of them.”

“What? Why?” Dean demanded.

“Look, he told me about his parents. How they were killed and what got him into this business that he does in the first place. They were killed over a bone knife his father had found at a pawn shop. He’s been searching for one for a long time. It is really important to him.”

“Y/N, I don’t know if it’s smart to hand over a supernatural artifact like that to him. I mean, the Men of Letters have this type of stuff in bunkers for a reason.”

“I could get him to leave me alone if I give it to him though, Dean.”

Sam sighed, “I don’t think a singular item is going to deter him from his obsession with you, Y/N.”

Sighing, you argued, “But if I give it to him and make it clear it is a parting gift, this could help me. Help us, really. It could end this whole nightmare.” They still looked uneasy and you added forcibly, “Please. You didn’t hear the way he talked about it, the tone of his voice. It is truly something important to him. And we aren’t even using them anyway.”

Dean and Sam were both quiet, contemplating what you said as you impatiently waited for them to give you their answer.

“Fine... if you really think it could work,” Dean relented.

“I don’t know for sure, but it is worth a shot.”

Pulling out your phone, you texted Castiel asking for a meet up, insisting it not be a riddle. It was the first time you had ever texted him, so you could only imagine his elation of you requesting to see him. You only hoped he would be able to control himself when he realized what the meet up was for.

~~~

CASTIEL FOREVER TAGS: @willowing-love @perseusandmedusa @greenappleeyes @afanofmanystuffs @earthtokace @shikaros-blog @marisayouass @splendidcas

[lizadale]

u want some...lore? I can...give u some...if u want...

Ok so the mushroom land is riddled with prophecies, right? They used to be a real integral part of society. Most of them were written by the Ancients. That was kinda their schtick. There aren’t many prophecies being written currently, but the people are still very superstitious. They follow a lot of traditions still even though most of them have lost their meaning (dressing twins in red and green, doing things in 7’s, etc).

One of the biggest prophecies in the kingdom centers around balance. People are obsessed with balance. Good vs Evil, Light vs Dark, yin and yang, yadda yadda. So every few hundred years, it’s foretold that there’s going to be two people born from the stars, and each one supports opposite sides of that spectrum. That’s the Mario Bros.

Traditionally the person representing Light is a hero, and the one for Dark is a villain, and together they maintain a natural equilibrium just by existing and sort of pulling on each other. The Mario Bros are an odd case because they’re the first of these roles to be born as brothers. Kamek thought that when Bowser was born, because he was a star child, that he was the harbinger of darkness. He wanted to tip the scales in their favor, so when he heard the star child of light was born, he went to intercept the stork—only to be extremely surprised that the stork had two babies instead of one. It’s causing a slight list on the scales in favor of Light right now, because Luigi isn’t particularly fond of fighting his brother and he also wants to be a hero…

Mario’s dominion is over Light and the physical realm, yeah? So like…he shines. People recognize him instantly when he walks into a room. His presence is warm, comforting. It’s not something he’s putting off on purpose, it’s just his natural aura. He’s naturally inclined to reach for people who need him. He can sense the good in people, which makes him more forgiving. The magic he uses has the physical attribute too, so he’s naturally strong, well-fortified against physical attacks, sturdy. He can interact with and harness ALL powerups in the kingdom. He has Firebrand, which is traditionally either passed down upon the harbinger of light or the elder of a set of twins (and he happens to be both). He is the Sun.

Luigi is the Moon. He does not give off light on his own, but he reflects the light his brother gives off. Makes him shine brighter. People don’t notice Luigi unless Mario is around; otherwise there is no light. He governs the Shadows and the supernatural. The subconscious and what doesn’t exist in the physical realm. Dreams and death. He can see spirits clearly, can interact with them even if they wish to not interact with him. Ghosts are attracted to him, but the living cannot seem to see him well. His magic is ruled by his emotions, so it tends to be a little chaotic. He gets Thunderhand, which is traditionally given to the harbinger of shadow, or to the younger of a set of twins.

So that’s, uh…so that’s Sun and Moon theory. Yeah. 

Oh!! Here have another chart

Social status in mushroom world is heavily based on magic power. (Bowser would normally be on Peach’s level because he’s both a royal and a star child, but since he lives in Dark Land people don’t hold him in as high regard.) (This is the reason Dimentio sees Thunderhand and has a mini meltdown when he realizes the sort of power and social status he’s tampering with uwu)

[followedbyraven]

A journey into God’s mind

Chuck’s motivation in obsessively writing the same end - is what has been on my mind in quite a while. So far he is a megalomaniac villain with no proper cause. And for the love of everything a villain without a motive is of not interest to me. 

As a long time fanfic writer I don’t understand Chuck’s bullheaded insistence with “brother killing brother” and end-of-the-world themes. When my characters happen to say a resound “NO!” to what my sick brain is cooking, I listen to them, this is my subconscious letting me know that I’m about to make a really wrong move. And then I do my best to find a solution, which may be not necessary as dramatic, but nevertheless satisfying.

So I said to myself: “Let’s find us a motive!” and embarked on a journey.

So basically to understand my theory of Chuck’s obsession first I have to explain a bit about the particular bit of “Lucifer” TV show which gave me an idea. I doubt many people don’t know this show, but just in case, bear with me. It’s a show dealing with Biblical lore and main character is the Lucifer himself (although much less boring, than in SPN). He is funny, adorable and with a bucket full of issues. And yes, he also can be terrifying! 

In episode 2x12 “Love Handles” the villain of the episode and the long arc is a professor, who, when finding himself in a burning car, saved his dissertation and not a student driving it. This act made him an outcast and he eventually proceeded to blackmail successful people, putting them in a morally black and white scenarios: their life’s foundation (face of a movie star, hands of a chirurg) versus someones life. All for the quest to prove (as much to people around as to himself) that he couldn't be blamed for what happened. That the choice he made was a right one.

And here I see a clear parallel with SPN, maybe a crazy one but in my mind it fits perfectly. 

Professor saved his dissertation by sacrificing a student. So he became obsessed with proving that he did the right thing. It was the work of his life after all. 

Chuck in order to create his lifework, the Universe, sacrificed his sister, The Darkness. 

Professor was aiming at famous people, prominent figures, heroes we may call them to bring parallel to SPN (from star actor to renowned chirurg, whose hands saved many lives). All to prove that he was right in his choice. Chuck chose heroes, siblings, nurtured them, build them up, and then let them kill each other (I’m sure that Cain’s dilemma came directly from under Chuck’s pen). So he is obsessed to prove to himself, subconsciously most of all, that locking for the end of time, losing his sister, to save/create his masterpiece, his life work, was a right thing to do. 

This is his perfect tragedy, dramatic exit - to be left alone, without his sibling, by his own hand, surrounded by what was at that moment the most important thing in his mind, his Creation. And Chuck repeats this scenario over, and over, and over again, stuck in his disability to understand that this idea comes from his own dirty deed, his own ego, his own choice. To prove to himself first and foremost that his masterpiece is more important than his family, that he was right in locking Amara.

It’s a perfect mirror of his own choices, and he bends fates of others to meet this obsessive scenario, so his brain (or whatever he uses for one) can process the enormity of his one single action, which was the point of creation, of light for the Universe, and the moment of perfect darkness for the Creator himself. 

So he was left alone with his creations, and at first, the novelty of it was enough, the new voices demanding his attention were enough. As long as he could forget about the fate of his sister. And for a short time that nagging voice in his head became just a whisper. 

In time he reached his ceiling as Creator by making humanity, his masterpiece, and managed to keep the insistent whisper away a bit longer. 

But inevitably Chuck got bored, lost interest, cause he, as many other supernatural beings, doesn’t see humanity as equal. He couldn’t see that he truly created something amazing, not only in his image, but also in his spirit (and in madness, we’re just much better at dealing with it). There was a phrase in one of the episodes that even angels don’t really understand what human SOULS are. It always left me wondering.

So as I was saying, chuck got bored, the whisper (locked Amara, his guilty consciousness) become louder, and that is when his true madness, his obsession with idea of siblings killing each other as the perfect tragedy, the perfect end of the story began. He plays it in different ways to prove to himself that this is the only natural, true end for any great story, the perfect justification for his reasons, that it was the only way. 

What interesting is, that “Lucifer’s” professor says: “Choice is an illusion” and kills himself.

Just like Chuck connects the perfect end of his “choice is an illusion” dance with the end of his creation. 

He started on this road while Amara was still under lock, and I don’t think that Winchesters would be the last of heroes Chuck played with if only they followed the script. Until they freed Amara, bringing in his mind the story to its perfect end. In his twisted mind there can be only one choice: Amara or his masterpiece. And with Amara freed he started unraveling his life’s work, for there may be only one or another. 

We can say that making humans in his (and Amara’s) image was the first unconscious step on the road to perfect tragedy. And I’m not talking about human bodies, I’m talking about our very souls. Human souls begin as bright as light of the creation. I’m speculating here, but as any true artist Chuck imbedded his perfect creation with the tiny bitty pieces of himself.  The difference is that light can be tarnished, darkened, and remind Chuck too much or Amara, his locked sister. And thus the Hell was created, where those tarnished souls were sent, away from his sight, in order for Chuck to continue his existence in ignorance. So he banishes those souls to Hell, locks them away. Just. Like. Amara. Another mirror on a bigger scale. 

Why then not a perfect mirror, why not brother and sister, why two brothers? Here I’m going even deeper into speculating. Two sisters - may be too much of Amara reminder. He has to first build them up, give them power, luck, make them into heroes. That’s a tad too much of a girl’s power for Chuck. He sees Amara as oppressive force to start with and I doubt he is willing to go down that road. Intimidation would be too much and Chuck can barely deal with two stubborn Winchesters, he doesn’t need to add psychological pressure for good measure. Brother and sister? That’s really awfully too close to home for his liking, it can't stay in subconscious anymore and would force him to take a good hard look at himself. 

Another point of interest - why Dean? Why through all obviously written by Chuck situations, it’s Dean who most often comes to the point when flow of events demand from him killing Sam. Down to the point of making Dean invincible when he was marked with the Mark of Cain, so it is he who eventually was supposed to do the deed.

What I think is that Chuck identifies strongly with Dean. Not so much as them being similar, more - Chuck wants to be Dean, have that level of courage, endurance and inner strength of spirit. 

That is why he wants specifically Dean to perform his, Chuck’s part of the scenario. There is a lot of admiration, which falls in line with the level of anger when Dean keeps disappointing Chuck by refusing to play by his rules, continuously steps off the script.

There is a mirror to that too in earlier seasons. Metatron vs Castiel. I’m sure it’s a kind of old news and many metas have been written about it. I just wanted to connect it one more time to the rest of my musings about Chuck.

Metatron was also strongly identifying himself with Cas for all the same reasons. And he also wanted Cas to play the villain of the story at the same time trying on Cas's trench coat and posing in front of the mirror. Metatron understands that Castiel is not a villain, but he so desperately wants Cas to be one. The fallen hero. In that aspect Gadreel played the reflection of Castiel perfectly. The difference is - Castiel doesn’t want to be either, hero or villain (he learned the price of that the hard way), he just does what he thinks is right. Gadreel wanted to be again a hero, wanted to climb back on pedestal, no matter the cost.

Same with Chuck and Dean, mirroring Chuck making himself very, very comfortable in the bunker, the Dean's true domain, his home. 

Both Chuck now and Metatron then are trying to make their chosen ones follow the written by them script.

I would almost call it a foreshadowing (if then unintentional, who knows, maybe writers thought back to season which was it, 9? and thought: oh, but that would fit nicely with s15 arc), despite so many seasons between these two story lines.

This is it, the journey into God’s mind complete. Hope you N-joyed. 

@verobatto-angelxhunter

[bubonickitten]

MAG 167 spoilers

I am once again back to obsessing over Gertrude and Jon as narrative foils!!

And just – the narrative does such a great job of using that foil to illustrate Jon’s neverending struggle with his own humanity. Because although Gertrude didn’t embrace her Archivist powers in the same way that Jon sometimes does, she was arguably monstrous in her own way -- in ways that Jon ultimately isn’t. 

I keep thinking back to Jon’s conversation with Gerry, in particular this bit:

GERARD: Well, she could make people tell her stuff, sometimes. They’d suddenly get real talkative, and lay out whatever she needed. She didn’t do it often though. I don’t think she liked it.

JON: Oh, er, I can do that, too.

GERARD: Huh. Do you like it?

JON: I – I don’t know. I never really thought about it. Yes, I… I suppose I do.

GERRY: Hmmm.

I think after his coma, Jon has a much more negative view of his abilities, but early on, he admits that there’s a part of him that does like being able to compel people. It fits, honestly – of course someone like Jon, so intolerant of mysteries, so prone to overthinking, so full of questions and so voracious for answers, fresh out of a paranoid episode that left him unable to trust any answer that anyone offered him, would like having the option to ask a question and receive a guaranteed answer and to know that the given answer was the truth. At least until he no longer has control over it, finds himself accidentally compelling people and unable to stop knowing things even when he doesn’t want to.

But even if Gertrude was further from the supernatural aspects of the Archivist role, she was still ruthless in her crusade. Her conviction and boldness made her a badass, certainly, but at what cost? The answer depends heavily on how you feel about utilitarianism as an ethical philosophy.

Gertrude Robinson would have a clear answer to the trolley problem and not apologize for it. Jonathan Sims would agonize over all the potential choices and outcomes until he’s paralyzed with indecision. (Annabelle Cane knew exactly what she was doing when she gave him that statement about the nature of free will in a moment where he was struggling so profoundly with self-doubt.)

People are always comparing Jon to Gertrude, telling him that he’d be better off behaving more like her, urging him to accept the premise that ruthlessness is a strength in a world that offers only fear and pain, and that humanity is a weakness and a liability that he doesn’t have the luxury to indulge.

And in Season 4, he tries that philosophy on for a brief while. The Eye drives him to compel people to tell their stories; he starves if he doesn’t obey that instinct. He feeds the Eye the trauma of innocent bystanders, and now he’s the monster haunting the dreams of his victims. (And, to his credit, that’s what he ultimately refers to them as: victims. He uses that word. That’s significant.)

When Basira witnesses him do that and calls him out on it, Jon replies by pointing out that Basira (among others) told him that he should be more like Gertrude: “She got the job done and didn’t care about the cost.” 

Basira responds, “But I thought you did.” 

And that highlights the fundamental difference between Jon and Gertrude! He’d temporarily forgotten that – he’d lost touch with that piece of himself, of his humanity. It makes sense; everyone around him saw him as a monster, and it’s hard to believe in your own humanity when no one else does, when everyone around you is building a self-fulfilling prophecy for you.

It takes Martin reaching out in the only way that he can – urging the others to talk to him – for Jon to wake up and admit that what he’s doing isn’t right and that he needs to do something to stop it. He goes back and forth with himself for a bit – Does he have any control? Is he doing it on autopilot? Is the Web influencing him? – but ultimately he decides that, no, he has to hold himself accountable. Helen asks him if he’s sure he didn’t want to do it, and he takes that hard-to-swallow pill and engages in some introspection and comes to the conclusion, Yeah, while supernatural influence is at play here, I made a choice.

BUT if he made a choice, it means that he can make a different choice going forward. He doesn’t have to be the monster that everyone else expects him to be. He doesn’t have to traumatize others in the same way that he’s been traumatized. (And, eventually, maybe he can learn to see himself as Martin sees him.) And he changes his behavior accordingly!

I keep thinking of Jon’s comment on Gertrude sacrificing Michael to end the Spiral’s Ritual:

“I thought moving away from my humanity would have made that seem more acceptable. That sort of sacrifice… But it just makes me sad. I remembered Gertrude’s notebook. We found it alongside the plastic explosives, but it rather got lost amongst the business of… saving the world at the cost of two lives.”

And this comment, from one of Jon’s many navel-gazing arguments with himself over the nature of humanity and how he fits into that:

“Why were we chosen? …Is there destiny here? Bloodlines, and prophecies? Or did we just – stumble into this. Maybe… maybe we’re the opposite of Agnes. Maybe our doubts are exactly what we need.”  

What keeps Jon in touch with Jonathan Sims, human and distinct from The Archivist/The Archive isn’t just an anchor/reason (Martin) or his own intense guilt, but that capacity for doubt. I mean, it does feed into his self-loathing and it’s unhealthy for him in a number of ways, but that doubt is also what saves him from fully becoming the thing he fears, in a way?

It’s interesting how that doubt and questioning feeds into his innate curiosity. That incessant need to know, even if his discoveries might destroy him, to go with Gerry’s definition of Beholding, is Jon’s fatal flaw, and it’s what makes him so well-suited to the Eye, but it’s also so very human.

That, along with Jon’s choice to change his behavior throughout the story is, imo, the strongest argument in favor of his humanity.

From where Jon is standing, every other Avatar has become so divorced from their prior self that they barely resemble humans anymore. But the question of free will is nebulous for most of the Avatars. 

Some of the Avatars seem to have sought out the power that overtook them, or at the very least openly embraced it. Jude Perry sought to destroy others to make herself feel more alive long before she met Agnes; the Desolation just lent her the power to do so to a greater degree, and she leaned into it. Jared Hopworth was already a bully; becoming the Boneturner just gave him a new way to express that preexisting pattern of behavior. 

Some of the others stumbled into it out of sheer bad luck, or in some way attracted a certain power. They were initially afraid, and typically resisted, but eventually were overtaken – or… gave in? Because that’s the recurring question: How much choice is involved?

Take Oliver Banks: 

“The thing is, Jon, right now you have a choice. You’ve put it off a long time, but it’s trapping you here. You’re not quite human enough to die, but still too human to survive…. I made a choice. We all made choices. Now you have to.”

Or Daisy: 

“I hate a lot of what I did back then; doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t me.”  

Even if some of the Avatars could have done something differently to avoid their ultimate fate, they didn’t necessarily deserve that fate. Helen Richardson could have not opened the door, but opening a door out of curiosity shouldn’t be a punishable offense.

And when the Distortion and Helen ‘become’ one another, it’s interesting that there’s still enough of Helen left (at least at first) for her to feel guilt and doubt over what she’s becoming, in much the same way that Jon does: 

“I took a man, wandering the halls of an old tenement…. It was nourishing, but… I didn’t like it. I feel… wrong.” 

(Side note: I understand why Jon feels like he can’t trust the Distortion, but it does make me wonder what might have gone differently if he’d maintained an open dialogue with her re: humanity vs. monstrosity, similar to the sort of understanding Jon and Daisy have after the Buried.)

The story has been asking these questions all along, but MAG 167 put it back under the microscope in an important way. It really doesn’t matter as much what Jon is, because what he does is a much better measure of humanity and goodness. 

Jon looks at his own choices, looks at Gertrude’s choices, looks at the things that neither of them had control over and looks at the things that they did, and comes to a final conclusion: 

No, he doesn’t want to be like Gertrude. Human connections are important. He needs an anchor. He needs companionship. Trust and communication don’t come naturally to him, but it’s worth confronting that vulnerability in the end, because it’s what keeps him in touch with his humanity, with who he is and who he wants to be. 

It really complements Martin’s philosophy, too. I’ve gone on and on about it before, but I still think the line that most exemplifies Martin’s character is his response to Simon Fairchild’s brand of flippant, fatalist nihilism: 

“I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever.”

It would be so easy for Jon and Martin to just... give up. Give in to self-loathing, to guilt, to loneliness, to a world gone horribly, possibly irreversibly wrong. Early on, Jon is inclined to do just that. He tells Martin that “this is no longer a world where you can trust comfort.” But what does Martin do instead? He comforts Jon. He puts comfort into a world where it seems like none can exist. It doesn’t matter if that gesture is significant in the grand scheme of things -- however you want to define significance on a cosmic level. In that moment, Martin cared, and that mattered to him, and it mattered to Jon, and that fact won’t change, even when they’re both dead and gone. 

It’s... really the same stubborn sentiment that Jon offered in the Lonely, and Martin is mirroring it back when Jon needs it most. 

They make an active choice to build a relationship, to try to make a change for the better. Even if it ends in failure, the fact that they tried is still significant. Jon looks at how Gertrude lived her life, compares it with his past and current choices, and (rightly imo) comes to the conclusion that, yeah, it hurts to trust and to care, but it’s worth it, and it’s necessary if they want to survive (and, of course, he also doesn’t just want to survive). It’s just... a very brave, very compassionate, and very human way of confronting the end of the world. 

[yfere]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E70

……………Hello. Today in shipping calculus we explore that most basic and heinous of arithmetic—subtraction. Minus one party member, the landscape looks a little different, a little darker. But there are still good things to be found. Thank you to @drinkingdeadpeopletea, @hla-rosa, and @alarnia for helping with data entry. Masterpost here

+12 to Sam/The Slide Whistle which should absolutely become a staple of Critical Role sound effects, I’m begging you here

+19 to Jester/Yasha These two get all the Angst Points, with Jester having a breakdown over Yasha’s betrayal, lovingly drawing her eyes and demonstrating she knows them well enough to be able to pinpoint the little differences in them now. Going to Yasha’s room, and the Romantic Gift of the mural of flowers, and telling Yasha in a Romantic Monologue that she still believes in her, that the Stormlord should be there for her, and that she’s going to be brought back to become the person Jester knows she wants to be. Asking the Traveler about his relationship with the Stormlord and trying to figure out through him if Yasha is safe or can be saved.

+15 to Beau/Yasha Beau meanwhile listens, and listens, and listens for the sound of thunder, an indication that the Stormlord is still out there watching over Yasha…but she doesn’t get anything. Insisting that the group distinguish between Yasha and whatever person left them and betrayed them, because she’s sure they aren’t the same person. Lying casually to everyone she meets about how Yasha’s just taking some personal time off, no need to worry.

-12 to The Mighty Nein/Whisper Campaigns as Jester’s mission gets derailed by her unsuccessful attempt to shoot some ballistae, while Fjord finds himself needing to surrender in the face of Absolute Incompetence.

+38 to Beau/Jester But these two are the stars of this weeks’ shipping calculus, inseparable from start to finish and each others’ proven closest confidant. Beau comforting Jester as she breaks down over Yasha, hugging her close and despite her own reluctance to be vulnerable, confessing to Jester how much this has hurt her as well, how she hasn’t been able to sleep properly and how she hopes for Yasha to be saved!! Beau telling Jester she’s amazing and doesn’t need anyone’s validation! Telling Jester her voice is wonderful and imitating it—flattery! Love! Jester complimenting Beau’s fists! Their awkward flirting reaching such levels of Sickening that they end up talking about the weather! “The wind is very windy today” gods you two are disasters. Then--then!! Composing messages to Dairon together, sneaking off upstairs together and complaining about the lack of privacy in the house like every teenaged couple failing to get away with boning in the family house. And—I mean they are sleeping together, though tragically they split up for the night to better catch Dairon when she arrives, because they are a Team.

-20 to Dairon/Detective Work. Beau is understandably incredulous that after all this time Dairon knows….nothing about what the M9 have been doing, until Jester gives the Xhorhaus tip—which is funny because it’s not like they’ve been at all subtle in any of their activities in this country. Then there’s the peculiar beauty of Dairon stealthing expertly to the balcony whilst completely missing how the protege she’s looking for is VERY CLEARLY AND OBVIOUSLY SLEEPING ON THE FRONT STOOP RIGHT BELOW GODS DAIRON YOU ARE AMAZING AT MISSING THE THINGS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR NOSE

+12 to Nott/Religion as Caduceus confirms that the liquor cabinet downstairs was always meant to be her personal shrine, and Nott reveals she can hear god talking to her.

-16 to Jester/Religion as we learn that Jester has zero knowledge of any gods besides the ones the party themselves worship and have told her about. Raven Queen who? Knowing Mistress? Don’t know her.

+18 to the Traveler/Orgies as he’s apparently been “busy” with his other followers, and how his initial idea to gather in a relaxing subtropical retreat is an excellent place to get even busier. Alas, Jester still has him wrapped around her little finger and successfully advocates for a volcano, which probably still has some sexual energy, if The Incredibles can be believed.

+4 to Jester/Fjord—they don’t interact directly much, but Fjord as always asks if Jester is doing okay, and complains about her spell slots on her behalf. Jester as always talks up Fjord’s skills with talking to people and using accents above all else. Fjord also asks what matters to Jester when she snaps about not caring which side they end up taking, but some points are taken away as he immediately pivots to advocating for his own preferences instead of listening to the answer.

+0 to Caleb/Cat-Shaped Creatures as Frumpkin works overtime as the party’s collective comfort object, almost to the exclusion of Caleb petting the poor thing himself. And then there are the moorbounders, which were straight up ditched. We knew it would happen eventually but—they had names! A history! Do we really need to lose more members of this party?

+6 to Caleb/Fjord Alas, the tragedy of these two asking each other if they’re feeling okay and entirely sidestepping each other’s concern! This is Not How You Earn Points! Fjord instantly leaping to Caleb/the group’s defense the second the wizard gets the side-eye in Bazzoxan. Caleb being willing to compromise about listening to the Bright Queen for Fjord and letting loose a host of compliments about his disguise and accent skills, then once Fjord is safely gone going on and on to Beau about how she and Fjord hold the group together, and how they really need to make sure Fjord is okay, goodness look at this worrywart.

+6 to Caleb/Jester …and the Worrywart also continues to stress over Marion Lavorre, and tries to reassure her that there’s nothing definitive the know or could have known about Yasha. Meanwhile, Jester gets concerned over Caleb’s distress and ditching the group after their run-in with the Scourger. Jester also compliments Caleb’s Teleportation Circle, and offers him a pocketful of crystals she picked up, which he could have been more appreciative of.

+14 to Jester/The Bright Queen and Nott/Heteronormativity as Jester once more obsesses over what the Bright Queen is wearing and how “ravishing” her eyes are. Meanwhile Nott tries desperately to make sure the compliments are coming from A Man, because Women Like Compliments From Men and Not As Much From Women Apparently, and picking a spectacularly terrible target in Caduceus Clay who really does not notice or care what the Bright Queen looks like, ever.

+4 to Jester/Caduceus While Nott may have been wrong to describe Caduceus as “dark,” both Jester and Fjord are very quick to express their appreciation for the pink pastel aesthetic. Jester gets comforting pats from Caduceus, they compliment each other on being impressive, Jester gets very briefly excited over the sword being for Caduceus before she’s shot down, and preens over the Traveler alcove Caduceus made for her in the garden

+9 to Caduceus/Channeling His Inner Demon as his eyes flash black in true Supernatural style to ward off a person who was probably just trying to sleep in the only inn in town, the poor bastard.

+5 to Fjord/Caduceus With an additional point for the sheer delight of how confused Fjord continues to be over Caduceus’ existence, feat “YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THERE?” incredulity, and how Caduceus is an absolute shit about giving Fjord a birdbath to worship in, just deep enough so he can drown himself if he’s in the mood. Which apparently Fjord kind of is. That’s romance. Fjord following Caduceus upstairs, For What Purpose We Can Only Guess

+7 to Caleb/Caduceus as they continue to be on the exact same page when it comes to how to address the Bright Queen and what their responsibilities are in warning others. Caleb buffing Caduceus with Fortune’s Favor! Caduceus continuing to latch onto interesting little phrases, notably one with “cocked” in it, and seeming concerned over the length of time Caleb was off on his own after the Scourger interrogation. An interrogation Caduceus offered to help with with spellwork to make the Scourger tell the truth! Caleb calling Caduceus downstairs to hang out (in an attempt to help Beau/Jester along, seems like) but only in fact managing to convince Nott that he wants, and I quote, “boy time.” Caduceus ribbing Caleb about being very Not Calm as he’s drinking to calm his nerves, that’s nice.

+8 to Fjord/That One Ogre who called him a “little fuzzball” and seemed worried about how tired he was and did his absolute best to spread just the message that Fjord gave him in his bugbear courier form. I mean, I’ve shipped for less.

+20 to Nott/Yeza as they have an adorable reunion, complete with such romance staples as Dropping What You’re Holding, Embraces, and Enjoying Your Partner’s Terrible Cooking! Nott defending Yeza’s dangerousness and ability to be a flight risk to Fjord, who dared to call Yeza boring. Unfortunately, Nott’s love and concern for her husband also resulted in -13 to Yeza/Piracy, though to be fair Orly’s supposed to be doing legitimate mercantile work at this point so there may Still Be A Chance to put Yeza on a boat

+14 to Caleb/Essik as Essik jumps on the chance to ferry the party all over the globe. Caleb makes the mistake of asking the Bright Queen for dunamancy training from Essik rather than Essik himself, he who is Too Eager To Do Caleb Favors, but when Caleb shows back up in an anxiety-ridden fugue Essik does get the chance to take a break from his busy schedule to promise he’ll absolutely see what he can do for Caleb, no persuasion required. Point loss for Caleb’s awkward blabbing being physically painful to watch and for Essik just ditching him by the doors.

+5 to Matt/A Certain Kind Of Tension that is rising….and puckering….that necessitates some recovery….

[dear-yandere]

lots of ilya q&a below - part 1

tw ... mentions of noncon and murder.

[ part 2 ] 

question:  so Ilya wouldn’t like a cop out of principle but what it,, Ilya had a darling but a (yandere?) cop investigating his case,, ALSO likes ilyas darling.. (obviously this would only be fun if the cop is rly competent and an actual threat)

answer: ilya believes that because he’s suffered, he should have a “free pass” to inflict suffering onto others, so of course he isn’t fond of having someone on his tail that constantly gets in the way of his fun. still, anything that staves off boredom is a plus in his book.

whether the cop is yandere or not, ilya isn’t fond of sharing his darling with the likes of an officer. simply put, this rival poses a threat to taking darling away (basically being a cockblock). ilya’d be sure to use the cop’s feelings to mock him, such as mentioning how wonderful darling is in bed, what a wonderful shade their skin turns when he chokes them to near-death, or – worst of all –  how popular darling’s pictures / videos have become on the dark web.

in reality, ilya has the upper hand in this situation. he’s avoided the cops for so long, what’s another one? then again, this devil-may-care mentality will surely be his downfall if the cop is competent enough to catch him.

question: Also sorry for spamming u I’m just in a mood rn- If Ilya likes hurting adults but wants to protect kids, how does he feel abt teenagers? Cause i feel like if I was an adult I’d see teenagers as kids so like are teenagers more like kids or more like adults to him? Also I thought it was rly funny that ppl seemed 2 prefer being ilyas partner in crime over being his darling but like if I had to interact w him I’d want him to protect child me lol cause I just want someone to watch out 4 me,,

answer: considering the amount of distasteful and illegal things he comes across involving minors on the dark web, anyone under the age of consent (or that looks too much like a child) is a kid in his eyes. even if he met an adult that looked young enough to be underaged, he’d feel uncomfortable with assaulting / killing them even after learning their age.

and i agree! ilya would’ve actually made a wonderful kindergarten or elementary teacher had his life played out differently. i was a bit shocked people preferred being his partner in crime, but it makes sense since they’d be prolonging their lifespan should they have the misfortune of meeting this man.

question 1: Can I ask how Ilya would react to a darling who cant die? Or dies but comes back to life each time? I’m torn between thinking he’d be frustrated because his ultimate show of love won’t stick or ecstatic that he has someone he can kill over and over again

question 2: I wonder how Ilya would react to a darling he COULDNT kill, maybe because they were immortal or simply always managed to stay just out of his reach. Perhaps they even returned a bit of his feelings but never as much as he wanted, never enough to die for it. - jinxdere

ilya would probably go through the stages of “grief”.

he’d be angry and distraught at first, adamant about maintaining his denial toward the situation. he’s never encountered a darling who couldn’t die; the moment he slit their throat, he expected them to never come back, to never question his love in such a way as to live. 

during the bargaining stage, he’d distance himself for a while, at least until he comes to terms with it and decide what to do.

during the depression stage. rather than be ecstatic that he can kill his darling over and over again, he’d feel an equal amount of anger as he does love. above all else, ilya wants to have fun, to cope with his problems by hurting as many people as possible. to him, killing others is his way of spreading his twisted version of love; he wants to kill as many people as he possibly can because he wants to love everyone. really though, this is an excuse to make as many people suffer as he possibly can. because he was wronged in his life, he wants to drag others down to his level. therefore, he’d rationalize his options and eventually decide to begrudgingly accept his darling’s immortality.

during the acceptance stage, he’d be willfully ignorant. he’d abandon this darling, sending them far away and telling them to never seek him out again; and if they do (especially if they fell in love with him), he will make every death more painful than the last. he wants nothing to do with them simply because they represent something he can’t overcome in life; ilya is fascinated by the marriage between death and love, and this particular darling is challenging his entire world view. he’d rather remain ignorant.

so basically, while he isn’t fond of having more than one darling at a time, he’d shun this immortal darling and no longer think of them as his. this seems counterintuitive, but a big part of ilya’s character is his hypocrisy and ignorance. they define who he is and act as a reminder of his past and innate psychopathic tendencies.

question: if u say Ilya has always had psychopathic tendencies, would he still be where he is rn if he had a good childhood? And I wonder like.. apathetic ppl/characters are often into morbid stuff and don’t care about hurting others but when u strip that down isn’t that just following your desires? Like are people like that obligated to be into violent stuff? Cause if Ilya just really liked collecting fish there’d be no issue.. I kinda think it’s a way to lash out at the world without letting it get 2 u

answer: i hope i understood this question correctly.

i can’t speak for actual psychopaths or serial killers obviously, but ilya is willfully ignorant and hypocritical. it’s his way of ‘lashing out without letting it get to him’ – his way of coping, basically. if he had a good childhood, it’s certainly possible he wouldn’t have treaded this path. however, childhood is only one factor that can push psychopaths over the edge. people who are apathetic or into morbid stuff aren’t obligated to be into violent things, especially as there can be some other mental issue at play; take narcissistic personality disorder for example. i personally know someone who likely has this disorder, but they are not into morbid / violent stuff even though they may lash out violently or disregard hurting others at times. i agree that your evaluation is probably correct in this situation too: lashing out is a way to cope.

now, if ilya’s parents had been more attentive, they would’ve noticed their son’s unsettling tendencies. killing animals is a big indicator of something greater at play and i’m sure they would’ve taken him for a psychological screening. i’m no doctor or psychiatrist (i’m not even in the medical field), but i imagine that with early detection and proper therapy, ilya might’ve been a normal person. would he still be into morbid things and have all the extreme kinks he currently does? yeah probably, but to a much lesser extent.

question: okay so u said Ilya knows he’s fucked up which is why he can’t have a kid BC he wouldn’t want them involved in that life so like.. if he knows he’s fucked up but still enjoys doing what he does, does he justify it to himself? Does he just not think about it? Like I often see evil characters be like “the world hurt me so I’m allowed to hurt others” - is it like that? Cause u said he’s a hypocrite and that’s quite hypocritical imo (if u know how bad it can be why make others suffer too yk?)

answer: part of it is that ilya is naturally sadistic and psychopathic, he doesn’t care if others suffer. even if he hadn’t become a serial rapist and killer, he would’ve had a clear disregard for others. he does justify himself and ignores his obvious hypocrisy. he realizes how much of a hypocrite he is, so it’s not that he’s an idiot or blind; it’s more of that he doesn’t give a damn about how selfish or contradictory he’s being.

you’re right that he thinks that he’s allowed to hurt others because the world hurt him, but it’s a bit beyond that. so for your question ‘why hurt others if you know how bad it can be’ – he gets off on it. even if he wasn’t the one committing crimes, he’d still get off on it. he’s similar to an incel that just stays in his room, complains about how the world is unfair, and watches porn all day, except more attractive, less whiny, actually gets sex bc he’s charming and doesn’t show his misanthropic side, and is into way darker porn than most incels probably are.

question: How would Eu-jin handle Illya taking an interest in his darling? I feel like things would get ugly fast.

answer: luckily, ilya doesn’t exist in the same universe as eu-jin or any of my other ocs! he’s human, so he’d get ripped to shreds pretty fast, especially by the overly-obsessive and protective supernatural (gumiho) eu-jin who hasn’t seen his darling in literal millennia. 

yuu wouldn’t even bother cannibalizing ilya, as he usually does with his prey; he’d find the Ripper far too disgusting to put in his own body, but he would torture ilya as painfully and slowly as possible. ripping off his fingernails one by one, removing his tongue so he can’t scream (much like the way ilya chokes his darlings), etc.

...so yeah, as soon as the hyper-aware eu-jin realizes that ilya is looking at the former’s darling with interest, it’d get ugly real fast.

question: What if when Ilya tried to kill one of his darlings but they manage to fight back and escape? I just see that throwing him for a real curve ball so I was curious to how he'd react.

answer: he’d be furious at first. to him, running away is the ultimate act of denying his love -- but, he’s a man that appreciates some fun every now and then. while he isn’t fond of darlings that fight back (especially when he’s about to kill them), having a darling who spices his life up every now and then is exhilarating. he’ll decide to play along with this darling’s little game of cat and mouse, and to be honest, he finds the increased risk of getting caught by authorities (should the darling get that far) fun. as i’ve mentioned before, ilya knows how much of a hypocrite he is and has long come to terms with his inevitable karma and death, he just doesn’t care enough to change his habits.