#like when i have a dog eventually who is 100% mine truly mine

[teabookgremlin]

sometimes i worry i won’t bond with another dog again the way i bonded with king and justice. like i know i will someday with my own personal dogs who are mine and that i’ll have for their whole lives but what if i used up my ability to have a soul dog/heart dog/whatever you want to call it on them

[star-fandoms]

i did ONE Danganronpa redesign before hyperfixating on cookie run...SIGH

I have been having so much fun though thinking about mine and my friends cookie run ocs. I gotta share them!

Freaking GAMER cookie my beloved

This ref and design is pretty old, I gotta redesign her. Gamer x Sandwich x Pizza cookie poly relationship real. She's a recluse who stays inside most of the time. She streams her playing games and that's how she gets her money. That said since she refuses to leave her house she often orders takeout(Although another part of it is to see Sandwich and Pizza cookie outside of college)

LOL YOU CAN TELL WHICH IS A MORE RECENT DRAWING

Anyways, G x S x P before their official friendship to after their friendship. They have sleepovers often(since they just go to the same school anyways) and they just kinda listen to Sandwich cookie ramble about anything and everything. Btw it doesn't look like it in the drawing but i prommy they are in fact listening to her. Anyways Gamer has just always been a recluse and shy person and so when Sandwich cookie talks to her and is nice to her, Gamer kind of develops feelings fast since she's never had that before. Gamer really admires Pizza cookie for her hard work, she can't help but wonder what drives Pizza cookie to work so hard. Gamer has stopped putting in a lot of effort because no matter what she's never lived up to anyone's expectations, so to see someone who works so hard no matter what, she really admires that. That said she does worry about Pizza cookies health and tries to get her to relax as much as possible. When she order's pizza and Pizza cookie delivers, she feels bad but she also takes this as an opportunity to give her a large tip(she gives her like $50-100 every time LMAOOO she is down horrendous) She does also tip Sandwich cookie a lot of money too!!

Epic Gamer cookie and Gunpowder cookie art done by yours truly. Also Gunpowder belongs to @muddymcmeatz, my bestie! Check him out!! Anyways, Gamer and GPC have a silly dynamic, they're friends, Gamer questions every day how it happened. Anyways, Gamer likes to cosplay and went to GPC for a weapon made for one of her cosplay, and they've been in contact since.

Jawbreaker Cookie!!

JBC x Roguefort Cookie as the one mlp meme LOL, im not really proud of this piece so i gotta redo it eventually LOL but this meme is literally them to me

JBC and Gunpowder are in the same gang and they have a silly sibling bond. They constantly play fight and tease each other. They have ruined each others hair more times then they can count which has made Salty Dog Cookie(Made by @/muddymcmeatz again lol) shave their heads. They constantly pull pranks on each other, they are very annoying, but they care for each other deeply, just as they do the rest of their gang!

Finally, Blue Rose Cookie!

Guh BRC and Rockstar Cookie my beloveds. Im doing a whole ass animatic with Blue Rose's relationship with her, Mint Choco, Hot Cocoa, and Rockstar to Duet, from the Omori soundtrack. Blue Rose plays the piano and her and Mint Choco would often duet together, but the Duet animatic im working on is their final duet together because BRC is aware she has no chance and just wants to move on, shes tired of chasing after someone who likes someone else. Anyways BRC and Rockstar cookie have been friends since high school and he's liked her since and she's always been a huge fan of his, they support each other! Anyways Rockstar will get his happy end with her

Here's one of the drawings from the Duet animatic!

I have some other design ideas that I'm really excited to work on!

Rose Water cookie: She's shipped with Peach Blossom cookie from Cookie Run Kingdom! They'd be so pretty and majestic together fr fr I gotta draw them soon!

Apple Bunny cookie: She's shipped with Onyx Cream cookie from Cookie Run Witches Castle.

Gummy Shark cookie: I don't have her shipped with anyone as of now. She's a cruel loan shark who's enemies with Salty Dog's gang. She's always accompanied by her two body guards Baja Blast Cookie and Mtn Dew Cookie.

Firefly cookie: Shipped with Amber Sugar cookie, i don't have too much info for her rn

[meisteralready]

To a man I will never really know but celebrate nonetheless

It feels like

We are at least an hour behind

In our spot,

The place we are

As opposed to Crystal Lake

Where we are supposed to be

For the funeral

Of Matt

My brother-in-law

That I barely know.

We’ve had numerous occasions,

Birthdays, first communions,

Other such family must-haves,

And beyond taking the piss out of each other,

Or the random, banal talk-of-sportstalk,

Nothing of note truly happened.

No histories shared

(I’ll most likely meet his three brothers today,

None of which I knew he had),

No common history or even hobbies

(He loved to cook and I loved to eat,

Yet I never saw him do the latter- he stood and surveyed as we would devour his holiday dinners-

Us standing in as his yearly restaurant)

But others knew him,

Knew him well.

He loves my sister,

The one I know least

(I left home when she was six

And stopped talking to that family for many years as she formed

- (I am like a distant cousin but with a past formed in grudges and regrets, even secondary relatives get more disjointed respect than I)-

And my parents loved him,

Contribution a cool 1K to his

GoFundMe/Funeral Fund,

Because he didn’t think to think ahead,

Even though he had a bad heart

And a pacemaker

And a defibrillator installed

For years before.

It was easy for Rich & Shelia to give,

They went to their house for countless dinners,

Gifted them hand-me-down, barely-used sectionals and plasma televisions.

They visited me in the city once,

Exactly one time,

On my daughter’s first birthday,

She’s 16 now

And she couldn’t give anyone who requested

their first names

If demanded to do so,

Even though they only live

An hour-and-fifteen-minutes

Away.

Matt died in his backyard,

Playing catch with his beloved retrievers?

Pinchers?

Some dog…

As my sister,

The youngest of my three,

And apparently the healthiest of cardiacs, shoveled the front drive

Because Matt could not.

Throw.

Vape.

Tell Bob the Dog to drop the ball.

Throw again.

Yet after a while,

Cara just heard unbroken barking,

And Bob,

Wanting a toss,

Could not be satiated,

And my sister,

Interest piqued,

Stopped her shoveling,

Rounded the corner

And found Matt face down,

Dead in their backyard.

A nurse by trade,

Cara quickly sought yet found no pulse,

His lips were blue

From death and snow,

She yelled for help and began CPR,

Eventually so heightened,

That she would fracture his sternum,

Trying to rouse him

From the other side.

“He was dead before he hit the ground,”

The cardiac surgeon told us.

His pacemaker lost rhythm,

His defibrillator fluttered and missed,

Both “common” the doctor said,

Which the rest of the family seemed to accept,

Except all I could think of,

Was which lawyer friend of mine I’d call

Regarding a malpractice inquiry.

We’ll land in about an hour-thirty,

And I’ll rent a car in my own home city,

Because I don’t own one

And no one can pick me,

And I could Uber,

But with that other one back to the airport,

A day-and-a-half later,

The car rental,

More-or-less equals out,

And I get more freedom.

I threw $100 towards the GoFundMeFuneral,

That’s all could do,

Because I am into this for $298 for the plane ticket,

$143 for the car rental,

Not including the gas,

Which, I know, sounds trite

And you should know

That I don’t care.

I’m kinda working for free this week

On account of these expenses

- no offers of a flight home here, $1K or otherwise-

And I will give due respects

And have appropriate amounts of grief,

Because I am fairly certain,

Matt would have probably done less for me and mine

Though he’d go on behalf of the bind shared of my cousin/sister,

But they’d leave early

For the fact,

He hardly knew me.

[animeloveisland]

anime love island . . .

group a enters the villa

Welcome to A-Love Island, the only show that has 60 cameras hidden in a massive villa that manages to only have one dog house bed and two day beds. For the next two months the luxury villa will be called home to a load of sexy singles who are here to find love. And fifty grand. Our casting team has truly outdone themselves by finding people you would never imagine together in one room who look absolutely radiant standing in a moving jeep. Let’s see how well they’ve done.��

The roar of a jeep against dirt road cruises through the Spanish countryside and eventually comes to a slow halt in front of a sprawling villa with a heart shaped arch in front of a stone paved path. Gravel crunches beneath the Jeep tires as the camera pans to a man with snow white hair falling against his forehead and black sunglasses resting at the bridge of his nose to reveal his piercing blue eyes. He climbs out of the jeep with a sparkling grin on his face, his dark blue button down shirt with dark green pothos leaf print in the fabric waves in the hot wind, white cargo shorts flexing against his legs as he walks to the villa. His tan skin gleams beneath the sun due to a light sheen of sweat as he walks through the villa out to the back lawn; a small ‘wow’ passes his lips.

“Am I the first one here?” He asks himself, the mic ruffling against his shirt as he walks around and guffaws when he finds he’s the first person in the villa.

“Yes, the champagne is all mine, pour myself a glass of bubbly,” The man beelines to the champagne bottle and flutes; gripping it to pop it open. 

An outtake appears away from the villa. The studio Gojo stands in has a lollipop background with three rows of screens displaying pictures of himself rolling up and down like a film strip. In between each row has three foot wide displays of the lollipop background, while Gojo sits on a stool in front of it, head over his shoulder admiring his pictures. 

“I’m kind of sexy, wouldn’t you say?” He says through a laugh.

“Hi my name is Gojo Satoru, I’m 28, I’m from Tokyo, and I’m a teacher,” He smiles into the camera. 

“People would describe me as annoying, really annoying, and personable. I can admit I can be annoying but that’s just cause I don’t take things seriously. Life is so serious as it is and I don’t want to be someone that brings a rain cloud on my own day by being so serious. It’s all jokes around here,�� Gojo laughs towards the end, the camera pans to him doing a few quirky poses before flexing his muscles into the camera. 

“I don’t have a type, and I know a lot of people say they don’t have a type but they have one but I really do not have a type. All birds are 100% welcome to graft with me, the more the merrier. I do have a wandering eye though, I’ve not been able to commit to anybody in the past eight years aka my last relationship. My last relationship lasted for a really long time, and the break up was in front of a KFC. It didn’t get me down, I just avoided KFC’s altogether,” a record scratches while Gojo laughs, “I’m kidding. Kind of.”

“I’m looking to find love in the villa, someone who can deal with all the stupid shit I get up to and who won’t trap me in a box. I just hope I can find someone who can keep up with me,” Gojo does one more pose while his laugh plays over his name appearing on screen again.

Back in the villa, Gojo popped the bottle and the champagne foam overflows over the sides of the bottle making him laugh as it spills onto the pavement of the outdoor kitchen. He pours it into the champagne flute, looking around the villa muttering beneath his breath to compliment how beautiful everything is. 

“Hello?” A voice calls out, startling the man with the white hair to turn around and see a brunette with matching floppy hair. 

His eyes are amber brown, and a friendly smile graces his lips. He’s in a white button down shirt, buttons open to reveal his chest that isn’t as sculpted as Gojo but it’s lithe and toned. He’s in orange swim trunks and sandals. 

“Hi! I’m Gojo and you are?” Gojo says, approaching the other man to grab his hand and give it a bro shake, the other man hesitates before chuckling and reciprocates the hand shake.

“I’m Dazai, sorry, I’m not really acquainted with the handshake,” Dazai says, Gojo snorts.

“Dude, no worries, I’ll teach you over a glass of champagne,” Gojo says and Dazai snorts in return.

“Don’t think the champagne will help me retain knowledge but sure,” Dazai replies and they both laugh.

Dazai stares at his pictures back in the filming studio, then turns to look at the camera.

“Let’s just get on with the introduction. It's odd to see so many pictures of myself,” Dazai jokes. Dazai does a few poses before he begins to speak. 

“I’m Osamu Dazai, I’m 22, I’m from Tokyo, and I’m a private detective. I’d say I’m a little dramatic, funny, annoying, and super cute. I don’t have the serious personality type that people expect for my job, and maybe that’s what makes me so good at it. I’m always at my best because I make everything fun, but I know when it’s time to be serious.”

Dazai does a few more poses, smiling into the camera with a book in hand he slams shut.

“I’ve never been in a long term relationship, but not for what you think. I want a serious commitment that most people aren’t willing to give me so it always ends up being a fling since I don’t want to waste my time. With that being said, I don’t have a type. Of course I want someone easy on the eyes to match my own cuteness, but I’m looking for someone to love me until we die. I want a commitment that will last forever, and I can only hope I can find it in this villa.” Dazai’s introduction ends with his smile and head tipped to the side with a book in hand.

Gojo and Dazai cheers to being the first two people in the villa, Dazai takes a sip while Gojo takes a gulp. 

“So what are you looking for?” Gojo asks Dazai, who shrugs. 

“I kind of don’t want a knobhead but I want someone so seriously invested in me that we take til death do us part literally,” Dazai says, Gojo’s eyes widened.

“I bet you make jokes about dying all the time then, huh?” Gojo asks, Dazai laughs.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“Gut feeling.”

Dazai and Gojo drink their champagne in silence, Gojo already refilling his cup.

“Isn’t this place beautiful, I can’t wait to walk around the damn place,” Gojo says through a grin and sets the bottle down, Dazai agrees.

“I’m excited to take a swim, it’s so hot out.” Dazai says, wind blowing his open shirt.

“Hello!” A deeper voice calls out, making both men turn to look at the man with black hair, framing his face but not as long as the other two. It’s neat and stops just below his earlobe at its longest point. His eyes are a brown color with purple hues in them. The man’s adorned in a red Hawaiian shirt, exposing his faint trace of abs into his tanned skin, black shorts snug against his legs. 

“Hi, come get some champagne,” Gojo offers while Dazai greets the other man in suit.

The black haired man makes his way into the outdoor kitchen and out to the deck where they stand at the outdoor bar, Dazai taking it upon himself to pour the other man a glass.

“It’s fucking hot isn’t it, I’ve been feigning for a drink,” The man says.

Guren fixes his shirt and gives a glance back at his pictures in the studio on the wall. He takes a brief moment before turning to face the cameras with a soft sigh.

“I look like an asshole in majority of those,” someone in the crew laughs before Guren does a few quirky poses he’s directed to do. 

“Hi I’m Guren Ichinose, I’m 24, I’m from Tokyo, and I run my family’s business. People have described me as cold, compassionate, sarcastic, broody, I think I’m just quiet honestly,” Guren cracks a smile, “and a dick. I just don’t put up with stupid shit, really. I’m blunt and if I don’t like something or somebody I’ll give it to them straight. I carry that mentality everywhere I go and I’ll carry it in here, I’m here to accomplish something not dick around with someone I don’t connect with,” Guren does a shrug into the camera, followed by a few more poses.

“I’ve been in one relationship, it ended eight years ago. I won’t lie to you and say it didn’t bring me down because it was tragic. They were someone I thought I’d spend my life with and they transformed into someone entirely new overnight. So since then I haven’t really looked for love but now that I am, I don’t have a type? I think what stops me from finding love is my own personality so I honestly think I need someone entirely opposite of me,” Guren laughs into the camera.

In the villa Guren raises his glass to cheers the other two men, all of them cheering as they take a sip of the bubbly. Guren’s head turns to take a look around and Gojo hums. 

“So how old are you both? I’m 28,” He starts, Dazai sets the glass down on the table.

“22,” He says.

“24,” Guren chimes in.

“Oh shit I’m the oldest one I hate that,” The other two men chuckle quietly before their conversation gets paused by the sound of footsteps approaching.

They turn to look at the tallest man of the three with dyed red hair in loose curls down to the back of his neck and walks into the kitchen. He’s the only one not wearing a shirt, white board shorts expose most of his legs with sandals on. His eyes are golden brown and he only offers a friendly wave. 

“Hi everyone,” He calls out, footsteps getting closer to the other men. 

“Hey! What’s your name?” Gojo calls out, quickly pouring another glass of champagne.

“Hisoka.”

Hisoka takes a seat on the stool, the producer from behind the camera asks if he likes the pictures of himself. Hisoka laughs and nods.

“They’re so good I don’t even have to look,” He comments through a smirk. 

He transitions through a few quirky poses before he’s sat on the stool again smiling into the camera.

“I’m Hisoka, I’m 29, I’m from Spain, and I am a professional fighter. I absolutely love being a fighter, I think it’s actually a part of who I am. I love fighting, I love winning, I love that power,” It cuts to him flexing his arms before laughing. 

“I’ve been described as eccentric, if I’m to word it nicely, smart, mysterious, and a little dramatic. I’m definitely mysterious, I can agree with that one. Nobody really knows anything about me and nobody knows my morals, I keep everything close to my chest.”

“I’ve never been in a relationship, but I've definitely had a lot of passing flings. My body count is too high for me to count. I’m open to anybody looks wise but I want someone who’s powerful and knows what they want in life. Nothing gets me going more than somebody who can, theoretically, beat my ass and put me in my place. No one has ever been able to do that and honestly I think I'd fall in love with them,” He laughs, posing a few times before the show transitions back to the villa. 

“So who are all of you?” Hisoka asks, the three men look at each other deciding who’s introducing themselves first. 

“I’m Gojo,” Gojo starts.

“I’m Guren.”

“I’m Dazai.”

“Right, so is anyone here older than 29 or am I the oldest?” Hisoka asks, Gojo fist pumps to himself. 

“I was just saying how I’m the oldest and I hate that,” He laughs, the other two chuckle and sip their champagne.

“So does anybody have a type? Are we looking for anything in particular or is playing the field more your style?” Dazai asks, genuine curiosity in his tone.

“I know I don’t have a type,” Gojo chimes in, Guren nods in agreement.

“Neither do I, all about personality.” 

“Me too, I’m looking for a personality in particular though,” Hisoka chimes in, looking around, “is anyone else coming in?”

I can answer that question for you. Coming in hot from the villa entrance is the one and only, Sakura. Don’t be fooled by her beauty and grace, when she’s here, she means business. 

Sakura’s pink hair is visible a few moments later, her heels clicking as she walks in with a flowy white jumpsuit sashaying with every step she takes. 

“Hello beautiful group A islanders,” Her voice rings through the villa, the men either cheer or say ���oh shit’ beneath their breaths.

“Hi Sakura,” They all greet, she stands in the kitchen with a beautiful beaming smile on her lips. 

“Let’s all head out to the lawn, shall we?” She asks, waving her arms out to the lawn where all of them walk. 

They’re in front of the pool, all four men in a line with their backs facing the pool while Sakura stands in front of them.

“So, are we all here for fun or for love?” She asks, voice cheerful. It’s the equivalent of a thousand suns, how bright her voice is.

“Love,” they all agree in unison, she preens at the answer.

“Lovely, are you excited to meet group B?” She asks, the men cheer.

Stay tuned to meet group b and the first coupling!

Director’s notes: Here’s the first episode segment we got! The little sections that are in italics and indented out are the show’s commentator, aka me. Just for anybody who needs clarification. This will pick up after the first coupling but here we go for now! Hope you enjoy!

series masterlist.

[constants--and--variables]

hi just got some munningham brain rot to share. Maybe this is due to the anti’s but I don’t think Eddie and Chrissy would get together in hs. Like I LOVE the idea of popular x freak and all the fun that comes w it but hear me out

Eddie is clearly a very caring guy. He actively made a space to help and protect outcast and bullied kids so they don’t feel alone. Chrissy herself isn’t too different tbh she’s just in the popular crowd but she clearly feels alone if she couldn’t even tell her boyfriend about her nightmares or eating disorder. I feel like Eddie and the fact she feels safe w him after a few months of them just hanging out and trusting each other she’d eventually open up to him and Eddie isn’t an idiot he clearly notices something was up within the first few minutes of them meeting so I think he’d totally clock she isn’t mentally okay.

I feel like for the remainder of their senior year he’d care more about trying to help her with her mental health and encourage her to open up more to her counsellor than actively try to peruse a relationship because he isn’t the sort of guy to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable state of mind (not that people struggling mentally can’t be in loving relationships it’s just at that point w her breaking up w her boyfriend and dealing w her home life it would just be less important to him than making sure she feels like she has someone to truly rely on). I think they’d still flirt but just more they are on that line of is this jokes or do we truly mean it. Cue mutual pinning!!

Ofc as they grow the others would make comments about them but I feel like they’d both laugh it off and be like ‘what no us were just friends totally just friends 100% for sure haha…ha’ and be totally oblivious as to if the other actually likes them. Dustin would 100% be getting grey hair dealing w them and Steve (and Nancy…). They’d have moments over the years of them being like oh shit are we having a moment or is this just normal or the typical about to kiss and the kids burst in vibes. But the mutual pinning would be so strong.

Eventually they’re like 23 or smth Eddie is still touring w his band Chrissy number one fan ofc who’s doing great maybe she’s got a job as a dance teacher which is a hc I low-key love I feel like she’d be so cute w kids (but also her studying psychology or smth is also a vibe give me therapist Chrissy telling Eddie random facts about how the brain works). And maybe it’s time for some jealousy… eddie’s band getting attention and we can see he’s a fine man girls and guys wouldn’t be shy to flirt w him in front of Chrissy and ooof our girlie is conflicted rn cos possessive Chrissy is fun. The urge to be like ‘sorry he’s mine’ is so strong and if Eddie was like ‘hey can we pretend to be a thing to get these people to leave me alone’ her brain goes poof and heart goes boom pretending to be a proper couple in front of his fans. And it’s not hard to believe considering Eddie’s already been dedicating songs to her for YEARS hell give me Eddie learning Chrissy’s fave pop song and putting a metal spin on it PLEASE. Ofc Eddie is no better w his reactions he’s getting flushed w his arm around her and her looking at him like that. Now to be honest Chrissy probably has enough people hitting on her in general. She’s the queen of Hawkins high and a rep like that would probably stick not to mention the rumour mill when she started hanging w Eddie. Eddie picking her up from work when random dads try to keep her talking and ofc scary dog privileges come w Eddie and his rep. Eddie would defo feel jealous about the fact so many people hit on Chrissy but she’s always rejecting them which makes no sense to him but then again no one deserves an angel like her. Maybe some Eddie not feeling like enough angst considering he’s quite a vulnerable guy himself.

I feel like eventually all this would ofc come to a head in some big stupidly cheesy romantic scene which Eddie would totally comment on just for Chrissy to finally kiss him to shut him up for once as he’s just like brain empty. And that’s as far as my silly brain rot has gotten so I hope you enjoy sorry for the length just the years of mutual pinning would be so good and I’m someone who calls friends to lovers dull but if it’s them I’m on board.

Please don't tell me antis are still bitching about their age-gap?

Hi and again sorry for the late reply and YEEESSS to the mutual pining/slow burn I live for it lol, and I do 100% agree with you. I think it would kind of make sense for them to not be together like, instantly, despite the chemistry between them. I love the idea of them really get to know each other and spend time together to make up for the lost time🥰, and like you said, Eddie is a very caring person(like even in his last moment, he still made sure that Dustin would look after the lost sheep for him and told Dustin he loves him) and Chrissy, who's clearly suffered a lot. I think Eddie would just put her well-being first and focus on healing her wounded soul (time for Eddie to work his magic and become Chrissy's salvation, and vice versa)

Not to mention they both think each other as "mean and scary", not literally ofc, but because their own insecurity and personal problems, I suppose it will be pretty hard for them to approach each other, to actually make a move and go there? So yeah, would love an ultimate slow burn and desperate longing and all that delicious sexual tensionss then just slowly work their way into a beautiful and healthy relationship. 💅🏻✨

I feel like Wayne Munson would be the perfect character to really help Eddie and Chrissy with their romantic relationship? Imagine the three of them go on a vacation where Eddie was doing some dumb shit or just being Eddie while Chrissy and Wayne just sit there watching him with a fond smile, and Wayne would take the opportunity to open up to her about Eddie and everything...and Chrissy suddenly realize that oh shit I'm in love with him. And we know Wayne and Eddie would give Chrissy the "family" that she truly deserves. Anyway, I'm not a writer by any means so I will stop here but for all the fantastic Eddissy writers out there, please explore the relationship between Eddie, Chrissy and Wayne Munson more I would love to read it 🥺

As for jealous Chrissy, I had this silly little headcanon where Chrissy would get jealous of Eddie's sweetheart🎸

because Chrissy overheard Eddie talking to her 🎸 and how much he loves her when Chrissy literally thought they were going to get together and she became super upset and sulky. Eddie notices it and eventually finds out the reason and can't stop smiling like an idiot while secretly enjoys the jealous very much 😏 and one day He just asks Chrissy out and tells her: “ listen Cunningham, I really want you to meet the woman of my life, and then ta-da it's a fucking guitar 🎸then proceeds to confess his love for her, because Chrissy is the one and only (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و💖 It’s ridiculous, I know 🤣

Again, I don’t think I am making sense lol so sorry for the nonsense and thank you very much for sharing it with us!! 🥺

[retvenkos]

okay, i know that we established the fact that i once shipped u with our unproblematic king, steph(v)en meeks, but let's completely scratch this thought out of our heads, and we're actually missing the huge picture is that you'd be an absolute adorable couple with neil perry. actually, in all honesty, you'd be compatible with every poet, bestie! but.

neil & u would have a golden retriever boyfriend x girlboss duo, who's power would be UNMATCHED

obviously, i feel like in whatever au of whomever you end up with you and charlie are the reluctant family friends!!

and i think it's a given that neil would catch feelings first. i don't make the rules!

charlie would then push neil to talk to you at joint school party's (u can't tell me that henley hall and helton don't do school events together)

at first you're like 'ugh, charles, wtf do u want' and out pops neil like that one part where miss jenn welcomes mr mazarra to supervise the kids in s2, like a puppy dog

poor boy is so eager to talk to you, since he's seen you around town, and u did tech for midsummer (yeah, neil's alive in this au for my sanity and yours)

he ends up following you for the rest of the night and u both end up watching the party from the school staircase, talking about everything and anything

eventually you start hanging out with the poets, and obviously have clara, linds, and i come as moral support for hanging out w/ teenage boys

you both grow super close, and during the spring show rehearsals (it's singing in the rain, because we all need neil perry as cosmo brown in our lives) at henley he's actually glued to your side, and when you're backstage, he's practically always staring off into the wings and the director gets vvv annoyed!!!

but you're probably the teacher's fave out of the techies, so u get a pass for constantly finding excuses for hanging out with neil during rehearsals

mr keating eventually meets you, and gives neil the biggest pep talk for asking you out, which neil swears he was "planning" on doing. (no he wasn't)

that doesn't work, so eventually todd says something to him.

nobody can tell u what he said exactly, all the boys know is that there was a lot of muffled yelling and unearthly screeching

todd is your #1 fan btw, u writers have to stick together, right?

cameron, is the boy that tells u neil likes u before neil actually does

don't yell at me!!! but i feel like you and cam would be besties, and cam telling u is the most affectionate thing ever (i'm a cameron apologist. just. remember that cameron actually really liked neil.)

u don't say anything, or get to, because afterwards cam simply! runs away?? laivgbiagvirau

leaving you actually clueless

so after that turn of events, cameron's a big dummy and goes up to neil and is like "she doesn't like u :("

like nO??? u actually didn't give her a chance to respond bestie!!!

so this leads up to the day of the show, mhm?

neil avoids u all night, and u even got him a boquet of flowers, and now u just feel stupid. like damn. did that freckle faced nerdy ginger just lie to my face on purpose?

u feel offended, and go outside of the back of the school, where surprise! u see neil sulking about you :(

you're gripping his flowers and oh no! it starts to rain!!

(DON'T YELL AT ME YOU DESERVE A ROM COM MOMENT WITH A THEATRE BOY!!! cringe deserves rights!!)

so u walk over to him, and hand him the boquet of flowers, mary janes starting to ruin and he just looks up with the brightest smile, and you swear it feels like the sun's coming out (it's not)

neil doesn't say anything after that, and probably starts singing 'u are my lucky star' underneath his breath, and it's an unspoken invitation to start dancing in the rain

u both catch cold the day afterwards, but it was worth it because u dorks can take care of each other as an official couple!

bonus: lindsay probably gushes over the waltzing in the rain, while clara and i go feral over the fact that u got sick jnwvtkjbnkj

n knee ways this was incredibly cheesy, but u deserve it for how many ships u do for all of us! i cannot actually express how much i adore the jesper ask (my beloved, PLEASE!!! i want to milo's goat mom and be the one he trusts with his pistols!!! that is all i-) and we actually need to talk about the fact that kaz & u would be a power couple (and a gorgeous one too, bestie!!) sometime else, because i have MANY thoughts on that.

ily and make sure to take care of urself today! <3

cASS!!!!!!!!!!! you don't know how much i laughed and smiled at this ask,,,,,, dps my beloved,,,,,,

first of all,,, you think i'm compatible with every poet??? my power,,, lol, no, but i love that for me.

and charlie as my reluctant family friend is truly a superior dynamic. we both annoy the hell out of each other but would murder anyone should they be mean to the other. we know far too much about the other, but also have zero idea how the other reacts when not around family,,,,,,,, it's actually becoming a favorite headcanon of mine.

and todd, cameron, and i being besties!!!! okay,,,,, but i get the distinct vibes that you would be related to one of the poets, and that’s also how we get an in to their meetings (someone’s like,,,, *sigh* can my little sister bring her friends to our meetings?) and i mean if i had to pick someone,,,,, it’s a tie between todd and pitts. i just feel like you would work perfectly as the more outgoing sibling of a shy idiot.

(and girl, about waltzing in the rain,,,, no doubt you and lindsay were the ones to teach me. imagine having a sleepover and teaching me to ballroom dance in your bedroom with the radio on. in this dead poets society au, we are having all of the cheesy rom-com friendship moments together. we go to malls together, we whisper about boys at our lockers (which are right next to each other for convenience), we go to the movies together only to see the idiot boys, we do makeovers for each other,,,,,,, covid has me yearning.)

also i love the characterization of cameron in this,,,,,, the whole running away and “she doesn’t like you :(” is hilarious, i dIED.

and we can be techies together!!!!!  i imagine clara and lindsay are actually performers, and after rehearsals when we walk home (because we all live in the same direction - spread across two neighborhoods for convenience) we share the tea between the actors and the techies. imagine our chaos <3.

anyway, who wants to daydream with me about this for the next 100 years???

and i’m so glad you love your jesper ship! i just love the idea of the two of you together. it’s golden. and me and kaz????? i have that energy???? i’m astounded and frankly, flattered.

[introvertguide]

The Gold Rush (1925); AFI #58

The next film that we had for review is a classic comedy from the 1920s, The Gold Rush (1925). This movie is often considered to be Charlie Chaplin’s best work and what he considered to be the film he most wanted to be remembered for. I watched the original cut that is a little bit longer than later versions and has a simple piano score. The movie was re-released in 1942 with an orchestral score that was nominated for Best Song and Best Score at that year’s Academy Awards. We will go over the plot and it probably doesn’t need a spoiler warning since the movie is a century old and there have been so many parts of this film that other movies and TV shows have paid homage too...but it is better to be safe than sorry:

SPOILER WARNING!!! PLOT POINTS FOR A 95 YEAR OLD MOVIE COMING UP!!! THIS WARNING IS SLIGHTLY SARCASTIC BUT I DON’T WANT MAIL ABOUT IT!!! 

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The movie begins with establishing shots of men hiking through the snow to represent the Alaskan gold rush. Vast uninhabitable plains are suddenly full of people trying to find gold. Amongst this group is Big Jim, a prospector that found a gold deposit on his claim when a blizzard strikes. Another is a little tramp, who is credited as The Lone Prospector (Charlie Chaplin), a simple man who is just wandering and trying to find his fortune. Both of these men run into a sudden blizzard and are driven into the cabin of Black Larsen, a man who is a wanted criminal. Larsen tries to throw them out, but he is overpowered and the three settle in for the storm. 

The storm goes on so long that one of the three needs to leave to find food. They pick cards and Larsen loses, so he is sent out to go find food. Larsen runs into and kills two policemen then finds the claim of Big Jim. Larsen decides to wait out the storm then flee with the gold before Big Jim can come back. Hopefully he will die of starvation in the cabin.  

Speaking of starvation, the tramp and Big Jim have run out of food and the big man is starting to hallucinate that the little tramp is a chicken. The big man chases the little tramp around the cabin going in and out of a ravenous haze with a shotgun. A bear breaks in while the two are fighting and the tramp is able to shoot it so the two men now have food. This sounds like a horror movie or something out of The Revenant, but it is done in a very comical way.

The two leave the cabin once the storm subsides to find their fortunes. Big Jim goes to his claim and runs into Larsen, who knocks out Big Jim with a shovel. Larsen attempts to leave with some gold but is killed in a sudden avalanche. Big Jim comes to eventually, but he stumbles away until he gets to a town and can’t remember how he got there. He also can’t remember how to get to his gold, so he decides he must find the little tramp and the cabin which will jog his memory about the location of his claim.

The tramp wandered until he found a boom town that apparently was built overnight. He enters a happening dance hall and sees a beautiful girl who is bored and trying to avoid the advances of the local ladies man. Her name is Georgia and she tells Jack, the ladies man, that she would rather dance with the most deplorable looking tramp and proceeds to grab the lone prospector and dances with him. The little guy is smitten and, after a few chance encounters, invites Georgia and her group of friends to have New Year’s Eve dinner with him. She accepts as a joke and completely forgets. The tramp did not forget and scrounges up enough money for a nice meal and waits for the girls to celebrate. He waits so long that he falls asleep and dreams of a successful dinner party in which he entertains the girls with a puppet dance involving forks and bread rolls.

He wakes up and walks the streets feeling depressed and lonely. Georgia, however, does remember the invitation and goes to the house at which the tramp is staying. She finds a set table with a meal and presents and suddenly feels bad for treating the tramp so badly. She mentions to her friends and Jack that she wants to find the tramp, which angers Jack and inspires him to write a note that says she wants to talk. The tramp is given the note when he returns to the dance hall, but is intercepted by Big Jim, who promises to make the tramp into a millionaire if he can help him find his claim. The tramp tells a confused Georgia that he got the note and will return to take her out of this life.

Big Jim and the prospector get to the cabin, but there is another blizzard (it’s the Klondike, it happens a lot) and they are not able to go out for the gold right away. During the night, the cabin is blown to the edge of a cliff and is teetering on the edge. There is some humor about not tipping the house until the two are able to successfully escape and they happen to have ended up right next to the claim.

A year passes according to a dialogue card, but the little tramp was not able to find Georgia. He and Big Jim take a boat back to the continental states. The press is there and a member wants to get a picture of the tramp in his old mining outfit. He puts on his old clothes and has a mishap while posing for a picture and falls down some stairs right next to Georgia. She is taking the boat and assumes he is a stowaway and tries to save him from the ship’s crew. She is made aware that he is now a millionaire and she joins him for a picture in which the two kiss.

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While writing the synopsis from my notes and comparing it to other online summaries, I realize that there are parts of this film that sound like a horror film. Two men are fighting for survival out on the Klondike during a storm with nothing to eat and start considering cannibalism like something from the Donner Party. In the midst of a fight over a shotgun in which a very large man is attempting to kill a much smaller man, a bear (and this is a real trained bear in some of the scenes) breaks into the cabin and the two must now kill it. I think I have seen this movie and it wasn’t a comedy. This film has murder, assault, bear attacks, sexual harassment, and dog kicking. I am not sure it could be made today and I am sure that many aspects would be cut. But this is why these films are so interesting, it was a creation from a previous time and it reveals what was socially acceptable in a different era. I find it fascinating.

As old as this film is, some of the more famous scenes have been copied in film and TV more recently. The quick little dance with the dinner roles has been copied by Curly from The Three Stooges in 1935, Robert Downy Jr. in 1992, Johnny Depp in 1993, Grandpa Simpson in 1994, and Amy Adams in 2011. A Walter Lantz character named Chili Willy the Penguin had a couple of adventures that very closely imitated the “starving in the cabin” scenes with Chaplin and Big Jim. I have not seen the films, but IMDB and Wikipedia claim that the hanging cabin scene has been used in a couple of Bollywood movies - Michael Madana Kama Rajan (1990) and Welcome (2007).

There are two more films on the AFI list starring Charlie Chaplin, so I don’t want to go too in depth into his life at this point. I do want to mention that he cofounded United Artists distribution with D.W. Griffith, Mary Pickford, and Douglas Fairbanks. This allowed him to have complete control over all aspects of his films, so everything you see is 100% his vision. He wrote, directed, produced, edited, scored, and starred in almost all of his films. We don’t see that much these days because there is some studio meddling in almost every film, so it is refreshing to see a creative work from a single source.

So does this film deserve to be on the AFI 100? Beyond a shadow of a doubt. This is a very simple movie that comes from the very infancy of the media, yet I consider it to be better than most current films. It has a good story despite having no dialogue and set pieces that are still copied a century later. This is truly the work of a genius. Would I recommend it? I am upset if you haven’t seen it yet. It is only 75 minutes, it is very entertaining, and it is an easy to digest piece of American culture. Go watch it right now. If you have already seen it, go watch it again with somebody who hasn’t seen it. This is the kind of film that the AFI Top 100 movies was created around, basically a reason to go back and review quality film from the past. Well worth the time and I can’t recommend it enough. Please give it a view.

[bitionraingang]

Comes Around

Sorry to whoever will be reading this. It sucks, but I love writing!

The Quiett angst/fluff(?)

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He was no longer coming home. I’ve waited until 5AM walking back and forth, from our room to the front door. At around 5:30AM, I would rest my eyes for 2 hours before having to wake up again to get our 5 year old son, Dong Soo up for Preschool. I called and called. But all I heard was “Please leave voice mail in…” I’ve called in sick for over 2 weeks now. Every footstep I took back into our apartment was dreading. I constantly looked around hoping for him to magically pop out of a corner, with a big smile, apologizing, saying he was busy. But no. It never happened.

Joonkyung came over a couple of times. Though he was closer to Dong Gab than me, he felt that it was right that I knew. He’s been seeing some girls. Girls who weren’t moms. Girls who weren’t wives. Girls who he felt a thrill to be with because he was taken. He didn’t want to be taken anymore. He didn’t want to be responsible. He wanted his life motto to be “fuck bitches, get money” again. Joonkyung had been a great support for me and a great role model for Dong Soo. I was happy that at least I had a friend who truly cared.

I no longer cried. I no longer sighed. I no longer waited. I was happy. 5 years ago, on the day that I sent Dong Gab our divorce papers, he came back home. He was crying. He only cried 5 times in his life. Once when he was born, second when I said I wanted to break up after dating for 2 years, third when I said yes to his proposal, fourth when I gave birth to Dong Soo, and finally, the fifth when he came back home. He said he was stupid. He begged me to forgive him. But my heart was as hard as a stone. I said no. I waited 6 months for him to come back. But now, I won’t. I was willing to give him the freedom that he wanted from me, from us. But why? Why didn’t he want it now? I didn’t understand. So that night, I did what I gave up on a long time ago. I called my supervisor, asking if I can repeal my decision about the transfer opportunity I was offered. I initially had said no because as a mother and as a wife, I had a duty here. Here in our home, or what was our home. I could not just leave everything or force the other two to leave everything in order for me to move forward with my career. But now, I had nothing holding me back. Leaving Dong Gab in tears trying to envelope my body into his, with all my strength I tightly held onto Dong Soo in my arms and forced off Dong Gab off and went into the taxi. I wanted to cry too because I was scared, but now I had no shoulders to lean on. I had to become the shoulder for our, no, my Dong Soo.

Looking out into the night sky, I took the last sip of my Rosé. I felt peaceful. I felt content. But was I truly happy? The arms wrapped around my waist felt so warm. He had fought so hard to be here. I taught Sociology and he taught Law at Columbia University. I did not want to be in a relationship with anyone after Dong Gab, but Jintae had slowly crawled with warmth into my heart. He pecked my neck, tickling me with his facial hair. I giggled and turned around to face him, his arms still wrapped around me. I gave him a big smile and leaned in to give a peck on his neck.

“What’s keeping you up?” he asked.

“I’ve just been thinking.” I replied.

“Bout?” I could feel his voice rumbling in his chest.

Of course I couldn’t tell him what I had been really thinking about. We were almost like a married couple. We lived together for almost 3 years now and even adopted a dog with Dong Soo.

“Let’s go back to bed, I’m tired.” I pulled him towards our bedroom, trying to change the subject.

“Okay,” he never said no to me. Whatever I wanted, we would do.

I laid down towards his side of the bed so I can cuddle to his warmth. He was always warm. So it always had me wondering, would his warmth eventually cool down as well? I haven’t thought of Dong Gab since I moved back to New York. Everything was just so hectic. The explaining I had to do to my parents, friends, getting ready for a new job, taking care of my 5 year old son… it was a lot to deal with at first. Now that I think about it, I had left my home in New York to get married to Dong Gab and 5 years later I’m back, leaving what I thought became my home to get away from Dong Gab.

I loved waking up to the sounds of Jintae and Dong Soo laughing. Jintae took care of Dong Soo as if he was his. It was quite amazing to see the type of bond they have. Their relationship was more about being a father and son. It’s almost as if they were soulmates who understood each other 100% (which sometimes made me jealous). I walked out of my bedroom towards the sounds of laughter in the kitchen. There they were, my two most important people at the moment, laughing over nothing, just making pancakes. Quickly walking towards Dong Soo, I grabbed his cheeks and gave him a big smooch. My big boy who was 10 now still loved my kisses. With his bright eyes, he looked up smiling and said,

“Mommy sit down, we’re making you breakfast with the new recipe we got from Desert Master.”

It was their thing. To watch Desert Master, find a new recipe, and make it for me. Suddenly, Dong Soo said he left an important note for us from school in his room. I lightly tapped his cute bottom so he would go get it and show me. I looked up at Jintae who had been looking at me with a huge grin ever since I walked out of my bedroom. I walked towards him and gave him a hug from the back. I stood there for about a minute, just breathing in his scent.

“Good morning,” I mumbled.

“Good morning. You get more and more breathtaking each day my queen” he replied with a sly smile.

“Stop it” I groaned and reached up to peck his lips.

He snapped around to grab my chin up towards him and gave me more than a peck. I was laughing into the kiss, trying to shake him off before Dong Soo got back. Me trying to break away would only cause him to tighten his grip on my chin. Just as we could hear Dong Soo loudly explaining the reason for the letter, we broke away. I was going to turn to Dong Soo as Jintae held me back and whispered into my ear,

“I’ve been waiting for so long. That was only the beginning. Be ready for tonight.”

With rosy cheeks I looked at Jintae and elbowed his side. We haven’t had sex in over a month because of Dong Soo starting middle school in September and us, preparing the syllabi for our own classes in the Fall. So I guess, I was craving him too.

After having somewhat burnt yet, delicious pancakes for breakfast, I made my way to the bathroom to get ready for a quick check in meeting with the Sociology Department head in a few hours. Dong Soo was in the living room watching Stranger Things 5 on Netflix and Jintae was sitting on the closed toilet next to the mirror which I was standing in front of.

“So what was it you’re exactly doing with her today?” He asked.

“We’re just going over the syllabus and talking about the class structure for the year because you know who fucked up last year.” I replied.

The last semester, a colleague of mine had sexual relationships with multiple students in his class and was teaching anything, but Sociology during his lecture. So at the start of a new semester, the Department Head wanted to meet up with every single professor in her department to make sure nothing like that ever happens again.

“Right… Sociology people are so weird.” He said trying to tease me.

“Yeah, but you’re in Law you doodoo head.” I snapped back at him.

“Yeah, but you love this doodoo head.” He said while laughing.

As I closed my foundation cap, I looked at him in the eyes and said,

“Do I?” And walked out of the bathroom.

Jintae just smiled at me as he watched me getting dressed.

“Can you stop staring and smiling at me like a creep.” I complained.

“I’m just so excited for tonight. I can’t help it.” He replied.

Saying goodbye, I walked into the elevator. 34 floors later, I was out, walking the streets of New York City. The weather was still warm though it was late august. I had a good amount of time before my interview so I decided to walk instead of taking the train. Columbia was just 30 blocks away from my apartment so it wasn’t that bad.

15 minutes into my walk, Spotify just happened to turn on a song with a familiar voice. I guess it was his new album or something. After leaving Korea, I made sure to block him out of my life in any way possible by getting rid of social media and mutual friends. I was contemplating whether or not I should skip the music, but I realized it wasn’t his usual upbeat kind of song. Without the song even starting yet, it seemed to have a deep and heavy feeling to it. I turned to look at the title and it was “All These Girls.” Feeling my throat tightening I quickly skipped the song. Just another song about women. Even after all that has happened with his ex-wife, he still felt comfortable enough to fuck other bitches? I guess I really meant nothing to him. Tears were about to escape my eyes, still broken over what happened. But I was stronger now. I can’t let this affect my life. So with stronger strides, I walked towards the university.

After about 30 minutes, I was finally in front of the main entrance. I smiled at the security guard and made my way to the Sociology department. And just so happens that Dong Gab was there. I could feel my eyes go wide as I saw him from afar. Just as he was about to turn towards my direction, I quickly ran past him and beeped myself in. Why was here? Was here to hook up with some college girls? Was he here to filming something? I took out my phone and did something I haven’t done in over 5 years now. I looked up his name on Google. The first thing that popped was: “Illionaire Records The Quiett becomes Professor Shin.”

It felt very suffocating to hear that. Here I was sitting on a bench right in front of the Department Office just contemplating whether or not I should quit. In the article, apparently they were staying here for half a year to teach the Sociology course on how music affects people. If he were to do that, then obviously we’re going to have to see each other since we’re in the same department. Then he might try to get back into my and Dong Soo’s life. That can’t happen. Alright, so today at my meeting, I’m just gonna tell the Head I can teach this year. And maybe I’ll come back next year. Yeah that’s what I’m going to do becau…

“Excuse me?” Someone asked as they tapped my shoulder.

Too deep in thought, I couldn’t recognize the voice and looked up. Oh shit. Just fuck my life. This is great.

“Y/n? It’s you right? Y/f/n? It’s me, Joonkyung. Remember me?” He asked frantically.

Of course I remember you, you retard. How could I forget. You know what, I’ll just pretend to be someone else and just walk away. I’ll go and tell her right now and just go home and everything will be okay.

“I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong person. My name is not Y/n, it’s Audrey.” I replied as calmly as I can.

“Stop lying, I could see right through you. Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get in contact with you for so long.” Joonkyung said with a look of concern and a tight grip on my arms.

Fuck. Is this where it all ends? No, if I tell him to not say anything to Dong Gab, it’ll be okay. Maybe I’ll take him out to dinner or something. Just as long as Dong Gab doesn’t know.

“Sorry, Joonkyung. I just needed to get away from him. And the only way I could do that was by cutting everyone off. But hey, can you not say anything to him? Like we can have dinner or something and I’ll explain everything to you. Just please, please don’t tell him.” I pleaded.

I knew I was begging to the person who was more than a brother to Dong Gab, but this was the most I can do to save myself from going through hell again.

“Alright… just give me your number… I’ll call you. Dong Gab is in the bathroom right now and he should be getting back soon. So hurry up to where you need to be.” He said while glancing behind himself.

I lightly jumped up at the sound of footsteps coming towards us and the voice I no longer wanted to hear saying,

“Joonkyung, the bathroom here is clean so you should go when you can.”

I couldn’t bare to look at the person walking closer so with my head hung low, I swiftly ran into the department office. With the door to my back, I heard his voice mumbling asking Joonkyung who he was with. Letting out a huge sigh, I walked towards the Head’s cubicle.

I had originally asked if I can get the year off due to personal reasons. She says she would’ve said yes to me, but there were already 6 Professors who won’t be in for the first semester because they were due to give birth. So instead she said I can have off for the second semester. Either that or she would take my year leave for an eternal leave from this university. I couldn’t have my job to go away in a snap just because of him. So what did I do? I called Joonkyung.

After waving at Joonkyung through the cafe window, I pressed call.

“Hey babe, when you coming home?”

“Jintae, something came up so I’ll be home a little but later. That’s okay right?” I asked.

“Yeah, just let me know when you’re getting home so I can drop off Dong Soo at Chris’ house.” He replied.

Right… today was going to be our “date night”. I just know I won’t be in the right mind today and I don’t want Jintae to suspect anything…

“Umm… Jintae, I’m really sorry, but I’m very tired from the meeting today. Is it okay if we moved it? I feel like I won’t be in the mood and I don’t want you to feel like it’s because of you.” I said apologetically.

There was an awkward silence for about 30 seconds before I cleared my throat and called his name.

“Oh, yeah. Of course. Just let me know when you’re getting home.” He seemed to reply with a sigh.

“Yeah, I will. Love you.” I said as I hung up.

I walked into the cafe and sat across Joonkyung. He gave me a tight smile and clasped his hands together. After the waitress took our order, I finally looked at him in the eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I said, feeling tears welling up.

“Hey, don’t be sorry. I know why you did that. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything.” He said as he grabbed my hands.

“I just couldn’t take it. I waited for him to realize that he was leaving me, leaving Dong Soo, leaving us. He basically gave up on our family. I gave up everything I had to be with him. Joonkyung, I was 21 when I got married to him. He was 37. I thought he would be the mature guy he was when we were dating. But it seems like the lyrics in his songs were right.” I cried.

“I know, but the lyrics thing was wrong. He always loved you. He still loves you. But I think it was the stress catching up to him.” Joonkyung said carefully.

“He didn’t come home until I was done. You know when he came back? When I sent him the divorce papers.” I said.

“I know. I was there. We were in the studio and I was telling him to go back home to you guys. That he shouldn’t be doing this. Once I brought the papers to him, he jumped up and ran home. He didn’t even take his car. He ran home Y/n. And you know what running means for Dong Gab.” Joonkyung said taking my hand into his.

My chest tightened at that. I still loved him, but there was no way that I would be able to forgive him. I looked up at Joonkyung and said,

“That doesn’t matter anymore. I loved him. I’m pretty sure that I still do, but I don’t want to go through this whole drama with him again.”

“But don’t you want closure? Y/n, think about Dong Soo, doesn’t...” Joonkyung spoke softly.

“Dong Soo doesn’t even remember who he is anymore. Joonkyung, I’ve been with someone for quite some time now. He takes care of my son like he’s his own. Jintae will be more than what Dong Gab can offer.” I said fiercely.

“You’re meeting someone else?” He asked.

“What am I supposed to do? Live like a nun after my failed marriage? Joonkyung, I know you’re doing this because you really care, but right now, I’m happy with the family I have right now. Jintae is amazing to both me and my son. There is nothing more I could ask for than having Dong Gab turn down his position as a professor.” I said.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that to hyung. He’s excited to become a professor here. As much as I love you and care for you, I can’t do that hyung who’s always been there for me” He replied.

I sighed and said, “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that I don't know what to do anymore. My life finally is getting better and here he comes like a storm again. Literally a quiet storm.”

“Hey, but everything happens for a reason. Whether you guys meet again or get back together will be in God’s hands. So don’t try to change fate” Joonkyung said with a warm smile.

After some silence, I asked, “He’s moved on right? I just happened to hear the intro to a song that was recently released, though I didn’t listen to the whole thing, I could tell it was about his girls… you know I was always scared that his lyrics would become true? But I never told him because what if that planted a seed in him to actually go on with that act?”

Joonkyung shaked his head and sighed, “You’ve got it all wrong. ‘All These Girls’? That song is about you. He wrote that in regret. While I was mastering the song he said he hoped that you would listen to the song and come back to him. I told him the title was a bad choice, but he wanted to keep it like that.”

“Well, I saw the title and immediately turned it off because I was mad. Thinking how could he just continue with his actions just like that.” I said.

“You know, you guys are technically still married?” Joonkyung brought up.

“What? What do you mean?” Confused, I looked into his eyes.

“After you guys left, he never signed the papers, he put it in the paper shredder. So you guys are technically still married.” He explained.

It still didn’t make sense to me how when someone was given the freedom they wanted, they didn’t take it. Tears started welling up in my eyes. I lightly gasped, feeling my chest tighten with pain from the situation.

“Y/n, no matter how much you deny it, I can tell, the whole world can tell that you still love Dong Gab.” Joonkyung said as he got up and took a seat next to me. He lightly pulled me into a hug and stroked my hair.

“I just want the best for you both, but I know and even you know that you don’t want it to end like this. Dong gab hyung feels the same way.”

Joonkyung held me in his arms until I could look up without having tears well up in my eyes. After 3 hours of catching up, Joonkyung drove me home.

“Why do you have a Bentley here?” I teased him.

“Hey, a man’s got to be ready to take any of his ladies home.” He said with a smile. We finally pulled up in front of my apartment and I got out of the car. He walked from the driver’s side to the passenger side and pulled me into a hug once again.

“Just think about it okay? Don’t think about anyone else, but yourself. Ask yourself if you want to be with Dong Gab or not.”

I returned the hug and said, “Thanks Joonkyung. I had fun today. Don’t forget to give me a call sometimes.”

We released each other and just smiled under the shining moonlight. As he gave my cheek a friendly peck, I felt a presence right behind me and heard,

“Who is this Y/n?”

“Oh, Jintae. Dong Soo, where you guys coming from?” I asked slightly caught off guard.

“Y/n, I asked who this was.” Jintae said slightly angered from the sight he witnessed. I could see Dong Soo somewhat hiding behind Jintae.

“Oppa, this is Joonkyung oppa. He’s a friend of mine from Korea. He’s always been like an older brother to me and we happened to meet today at school.” I explained.

“Dong Soo, do you remember uncle Joonkyung? He was the first person to take a picture of you when you were born. He also helped feed and change your diapers when you were a baby.” I said waving my hands towards Dong Soo so he could come closer.

I saw the Jintae’s grip on Dong Soo’s hand loosen as Joonkyung stepped closer to see Dong Soo.

“Hey man, you remember me? Wow, you’re almost as tall as me.” Joonkyung laughed.

I was surprised to see Dong Soo jump into his arms. Joonkyung looked equally surprised.

“Uncle, where have you been? I missed you. I missed you and daddy.” Dong Soo cried.

My eyes widen at his words. Did Dong Soo remember them all this time, but I hadn’t said anything. Why hadn’t he said anything? Tears were welling up once again as I saw my crying son being held in the arms of his crying uncle. I couldn’t help but to question if all of my actions were done out of mere selfishness. I came to a realization that I had physically ripped my son that I loved so much from his father whom Dong Soo had loved just as equally. Joonkyung was crying softly murmuring apologies into Dong Soo’s ears. I turned towards Jintae who looked very lost. Thinking back, over the course of years of being with Jintae, I realized I have been trying to fill up Dong Gab’s empty spot with Jintae and have been deceiving myself to think everything was fine. But now, I knew that after today, I would have to clear things up with him.

After all the chaos that happened, Dong Soo was in his bed sleeping while Jintae and I were seated on the couch of our living room. There was silence as we didn’t know how to start the conversation.

“I…” Jintae and I said at the same time.

“You go first.” I said.

“No, you go.” He replied.

Taking a gulp of my own saliva, I started with, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?” Jintae asked.

“I think I’ve been deceiving myself to protect myself from getting hurt.” I replied.

“What do you mean?” He asked, his face cringing with a hint of hurt.

“Jintae, I’m really thankful for everything you’ve done, for me and Dong Soo, for everything we’ve gone through, but I don’t think I loved you. There were times where I did feel flutters in my heart, but I think I missed Dong Gab so much that I was trying to replace you in my heart.” I said crying.

With desperation in his voice, Jintae said as he grasped my hand,

“No, baby. You’ve got it wrong. I love you and you love me. We’re gonna get through this. It’s just because you were reminded of your past today and Dong Soo crying like that, that you feel this way.”

“Oppa, I’m sorry, but I don’t love you. I loved the idea that someone else was in love with me even after all that had happened in my life. I know how much it hurts to be in the position of not being loved by the person you love so I think we need to end this here. I don’t want you to be hurt.” I cried as I pulled him into a warm hug.

“But, think about all the things we went through. If you feel like you don’t love me anymore then, think about the times we had love. I can’t let you go like this.” Jintae cried into my hair as he tightened his grip on my waist.

I could only cry along with him because I understood the emotion of pain he was going through. No matter how much I am grateful for Jintae coming into my life, I couldn't deny the fact that I still did love Dong Gab 5 years after we had “broken” up.

I woke up to the sunlight slowly creeping its way into the bedroom. I turned my body away from the window and faced Jintae who was sleeping next to me. After our long talk yesterday, we had decided to break up. So today would be the last day as being a couple. I shifted myself closer to his body and wrapped my arms around him. As I peppered light kisses on his shoulder, I muttered apologies.

“It’s going to make it harder for me to break up with you if you keep doing that.” I heard Jintae say without moving.

I giggled lightly and removed my arms from his body. I sat up and pushed his disheveled hair out of his face.

“I’m sorry oppa.”

“It’s okay, as long as you were honest with me, I’m okay.” He replied, finally opening his eyes.

How was someone able to be so understanding and warm even if they were thrown off the bus? I really didn’t deserve someone as good as him.

I reached down to give a peck on his lips and said,

“Let’s get up and talk with Dong Soo.”

“I thought we’re breaking up, how can you kiss me like that?” Jintae asked with a smile.

“We haven’t broken up yet so I still can.” I replied as I got off the bed.

We ate at a local diner in front of our apartment as we explained the situation to Dong Soo. Dong Soo also shared his part of why he hadn’t said anything about missing his dad, he didn’t want to see me sad after he did once when he was younger. Hand in hand, we walked back to our apartment. Today was the official last day of Jintae, Dong Soo, and I being a family. I had planned to move out of the apartment with Dong Soo, but Jintae said he would because it would make the move easier and make it easier for him to adjust to living alone.

Hot tears dropped to my chin as I watched the scene of Jintae giving Dong Soo a big hug.

“Hey man, make sure you’re always good to your mom. And remember me leaving doesn’t mean that you can’t call me or come see me when you want to. No matter what I’ll always be here for you. Alright?”

“Thank you dad, uncle Jintae you will always be my second dad.” Dong Soo said.

Jintae smiled with tears in his eyes as he faced Dong Soo. He slowly got up to my eye level and pulled me into a hug. I burst out crying once again.

“I’m so sorry oppa.”

“It’s okay, baby, you’re going to be happy. I’ll be happy too okay?” He said as he pulled away from the hug. I placed my hands on his cheeks as I gave him a warm kiss before he could leave. After a chaste make out, we finally pulled away.

“I’ll get going, make sure to keep in contact!” Jintae said as he walked away waving at us.

Dong Soo gave me a side hug as we watched Jintae get into the uber that would take him to his new place.

Dong Soo and I were cuddled up in my bed after Jintae left.

“Honey, did you miss daddy very much?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes.” Dong Soo answered with a shaky voice, trying hard not to cry.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t know that. We’ll meet daddy soon okay?” I said as I pulled his head towards my chest.

“Thank you mommy.” He replied as we fell into a 3 hour nap.

It has been 3 days since Jintae left and we were doing fine. With deep breaths I pressed the button to give Joonkyung a call.

“Hello? Y/n?” He picked up.

“Hey, oppa. Can we meet up?” I asked.

In less than 30 minutes, Joonkyung was outside waiting for Dong Soo and I by the passenger side of his Bentley.

“Sorry, we didn’t have enough time to get ready when you said you’ll be here in 20 minutes.” I said.

“No, mommy it was just you. I was done in like 5 minutes, you took the extra time.” Dong Soo said wittly.

Joonkyung laughed as he gave Dong Soo a hug and proceeded to give me one while placing a peck on my cheeks. We all got into the car and went off to our destination for some late lunch.

After placing our orders Dong Soo was off to the kids play section. Joonkyung looked up at me with anticipation and said,

“So, what’s up? I had to lie to Dong Gab hyung to come meet you.”

“Well, first, Jintae and I broke it off.” I said and proceeded to explain everything that had happened after he left that night.

“I mean, I’m happy that you’re happy, but does that mean you’re going to meet Dong Gab hyung now?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” I answered truthfully.

“I know we have to meet for the sake of Dong Soo, but I don’t know if things can ever be the same again. I still love him, but I don't know if I’m ready to go back into a relationship with him.”

“I think that’s fine. You don’t have to push yourself to get into a relationship with hyung, but you should clear up things with him for the sake of your son. He misses you and Dong Soo a lot.” He answered.

“But, I also don’t know how and where to get started with him. It’s been such a long time. I don’t even remember his phone number anymore.” I said.

“I guess it was a great idea for me to actually calling him to come here. Sorry, but before I left, I told him to meet me here. He thinks I’m grabbing lunch with him, but little does his know…”

“You called him here? Joonkyung, what if I called you to say I don’t want to meet him anymore? How could you do that?” I asked.

“I already knew where your heart stood after that night. I just wanted you to sort it out first and then let me know. You better thank me for this later on.” He said with a smile.

It was any minute that Dong Gab was going to walk through that door. Joonkyung gave my hand a squeeze as he knew how nervous I was becoming. Then we heard a ding as the door opened, indicating someone walked in.

“He’s here. Hyung!” Joonkyung said as he gave my hand another squeeze.

“Sorry I’m late, there was traffic on the way here. Oh, didn’t know you had company.” I heard Dong Gab say. My back was facing towards the door so all I heard was his voice. He sounded the same from 5 years ago. I couldn’t help, but wonder how he looked now.

“Hello, I’m Dong Gab, I didn’t know Joonkyung had company.” He said.

I saw Joonkyung smile a little and look up at Dong Gab.

“Hyung, don’t be too shocked.’ Joonkyung said as he signaled me towards Dong Gab with his chin.

I slowly turned to face Dong Gab, I could see his face change from a nonchalant look to a look of surprise as he realized who I was.

“Hey.” I said with a tight smile. Tears were brimming up in the lines of his eyes and he took a deep breath and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t have the courage to return the hug, but I softly sobbed in his arms. All sorts of emotions ranging from happiness to sadness to anger poured out.

I could hear Dong Gab sobbing as he buried his head in the crook of my neck.

“I’m sorry Y/n. I’m so sorry. Baby, please forgive me for everything. I missed you so much. Baby I’m sorry.”

“Daddy?” a soft voice called.

Dong Gab slightly released me from his arms and turned towards the soft voice.

“Soo, baby. My baby. Daddy is so sorry. I missed you so much baby. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” Dong Gab cried as he reached down to pull Dong Soo into a tight hug. I could only cry as this scene played out in front of me. Joonkyung got up from his seat and pulled me into his embrace. After everyone had calmed down, we all took our seats to eat. I watched Dong Soo eat happily as he told his dad everything that went on for the past 5 years. I couldn’t eat as I was still overwhelmed with the situation and just watched the two happily conversing. From time to time Dong Gab would look up at me with sad eyes. Joonkyung lightly elbowed me so I would eat and I just gave a small smile back. After lunch, Joonkyung proposed to take Dong Soo on a shopping spree “to make up for the lost years” so that Dong Gab and I would have some time alone.

We were seated side by side on a bench at Central Park. There were children running around with their parents, couples strolling in the sun’s gaze, tourists on horse carriages. Everyone seemed content with the beautiful weather and situation except for us. We were still caught up in the past, not knowing where to start.

“I know I don’t deserve to say this, but I’m sorry and I missed you. A lot.” He said.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Went my heart. It was no lie that I still loved Dong Gab. But will I be able to forgive him was the question. I heard him shift closer to me and I just sighed looking up to the sky.

“I know saying sorry won’t fix anything, but I don’t know how else to express myself.” He said.

“After Dong Soo and I left, I cut off all social media and contact with anyone that had connections with you. I didn’t want to be reminded of you in any way. You know, I waited. No, we waited 6 months for you to come back. I know it must’ve been hard for you to be tied down after long years of being so free. So that’s why I waited. Because I knew you didn’t mean it. But when my river of hope was brought to a drought, I couldn’t do it anymore. Dong Gab, I was 21 when I got married to you. You were 37. I left my home in New York to get married to you and there I was, 5 years later I’m back, leaving what I thought became my home in order to get away from the very reason to why I came.” I started.

“I know. And I will never be able to forgive myself for hurting you.” He interjected while grabbing my hand.

Holding in my tears, I said, “I didn’t understand why you left and then tried to come back when I gave you your freedom. That’s why I’ve been mad. I was sad and upset about you cheating, but more mad about the fact that you came crying when you finally got what you asked for. Dong Gab, did you even love me? Or did the thought of someone leaving you make you want to come back?”

“Y/n, I’ve loved you since the very first time I laid my eyes on you. When I saw you get into that white G-Wagon on that day, I knew that I needed to have you. I still love you. I know I hurt you to the point where it’s indescribable I don’t fully understand why I did that. I think it was because I knew or felt like you would always be there for me to return to. But after seeing the divorce papers, I knew I fucked up. I couldn’t do anything to turn you around. I’m sorry Y/n. He cried.

“After I moved here, there was a man. He taught me to love and be loved again. We were so happy. He was so good to Dong Soo, treating him like his own son. Jintae loved Dong Soo and I so much that he let us go back to you oppa.” I said finally returning the grip he had on my hand. Shocked, Dong Gab lifted his head, face red from crying. I slowly let the tears drip down to my cheeks as I pulled his face closer to mine.

“Meeting Joonkyung reminded me of how I have yet to learn to unlove you. I hate you for everything you’ve done, but my love for you is so much bigger than that.” I said before placing a chaste kiss on his lips.

I slowly pulled away, as he kept pushing in, almost as if he didn’t want to move away from my warm lips. We smiled at each other with tears brimming once again. He said, “I love you” before cupping my cheeks and pulling me into another warm, deep kiss.

[myshiki]

Hi guyyyyyys! I haven’t been on here in so long because I went to New York for a week to surprise @thispastiche <33 Crazy week but it honestly changed my life as cheesy as that sounds. 

One of the things I did while I was in New York was see one of Alexa’s friends who is a tarot card reader. One of the cards laid out for me was one of a person handing someone smaller than them a pot of lilies. (I looked it up..it’s Six of Cups card). She said, in lamest terms, that this means to her that I need to take my past experiences or idk..gained knowledge and share it with others. Just to share myself or help look after others is kind of what I got from that card. Alexa mentioned to the tarot reader that 1. I’m a nanny so it was kind of fitting and 2. I have a blog that I share my life on and that I’m very vulnerable on it and that “a lot of people respond to it.” I think Alexa was just being too sweet about that considering I only get like 3 notes per post, but I’m going to keep sharing myself on here anyhow. And if it helps anyone along the way, I’m so happy.

As soon as I got back to Texas my life became hell, because for only a couple of days now I have been in the beginning stages of one of the hardest times I will surely ever have in my life. Being with someone for around 3 years, not including the “talking” stages before that for like 2 years and then having that all change suddenly is terrifying- especially when your lives are so intertwined the way ours are. Her and her sister are who I have been closest to for YEARS now and their whole family became my family. We share an apartment. We share a car. I have so much to figure out. It would be easier if I could just focus on healing my heart and dealing with the emotional side of things, but having to figure out stupid details that have to do with having a roof over our heads and transportation at the same time is overwhelming to say the least. Also, it doesn’t help that their mom is angry with me for wanting to make mine and her daughter’s lives healthier so she’s being petty and really trying to make my life worse on purpose it feels like.

This is what I do know- I will be okay. Everyone involved will be okay. 

I am constantly shitting. (we’re all family here..) and I haven’t had much of an appetite for days now. Two days in a row I either threw up or dry heaved into the toilet from the nerves and anxiety. It has already been rough and it will probably get harder once we stop seeing each other as much, so here is a list of the things that have helped me get through shit so far.

1. During my hardest times- when my mom died, when Duy broke up with me, and now this- I struggle to feel like things are real. My anxiety and fear take over and I feel like I’m fucking floating, but not in a magical way. Yesterday I sat on my couch and thought to myself “I have legs. I have arms. I can move around. I got dressed today. I can drive my car.” and saying the most obvious things like that made me realize 1. I am existing and moving so I am going to be okay. There is no way I won’t be okay 2. I am grateful to be a human and to exist even if I get waves of thinking “I am going to die” and wishing I was dead because I definitely have gotten those.

2. Once I repeated to myself “it’s not that bad. It’s not that bad. It’s not that bad.” Idk what “it” is referring to, I guess the breakup or life but that was the first thing that came to my mind and I repeated it until I was a little more calm. I have also repeated to myself “it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.”

3. Today I had a blunt wave of “stop feeling sorry for yourself” and that actually had me snap out of sadness really fast. Until 20 minutes passed and I was back to being sad again. haha. But honestly, a lot of the time my sadness is because I feel so sorry for myself and sometimes that’s just fucking dumb.

4. Driving calms my nerves better and faster than anything else. Almost to the point where they don’t exist. I crank music up and just drive and idk, the whole drive I’m just in a state of wanting to cry of gratefulness because I’m like “wow, okay. I’m going to truly be okay.” 

5. Listening to music!!!!!!!! Which like, duh..but Post Malone’s new album has and will continue to get me through this shitty period of time. It is just dance-y and happy enough to not make me wanna die but also angry enough to make me feel better? I might have to listen to Billie Eilish today even though that’s a much sadder approach. (I am nannying soon and have a 30 minute drive to work and I can’t wait for that drive).

6. Taking care of other things or people or animals. Nannying is therapeutic for me because I am taking care of other people and not myself. It is a huge relief to get out of my own mind and think “how can I best keep these kids alive (lol) and make them as happy as I can.” I don’t have any pets currently, but when I live with my dad for a couple months which will eventually happen, I will help take care of his hyper ass dog, his 2 cats, all of his chickens, his plants, etc. And I think that will really help me.

7. Hanging out with people who are 100% looking out for you and will let you be as emotional as you need to be without making you feel like you’re too much or being a baby. (But if anyone makes you feel like that anyway, you should drop them fast as fuck). It helps to be around people who love you. There are more of them than you realize. 

8. Drinking helps some nights. haha

But that is my list for now. Like I said, this is only the beginning and I’m probably going to be posting some sad as fuck posts on here, or I might eventually discover more things that are helpful getting through hard times like these ones. 

If you’re reading this, I love you. You are going to be okay. You are a bad bitch and don’t let anyone make you think you’re not. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Jesse & Jac

Jesse: [okay so in my head it's at least the next day and obviously she's not going to school and neither is he because lowkey doesn't want to ever but brings her a cup of tea in the morning when everyone else is going off and then leaves] Jac: Practicing for your illustrious career in the café industry? Jac: Dad will be equal parts proud and horrified Jac: that'd be a...latte, yeah? Jesse: Depends on if you reckon it's needed Jac: Think it's a flat white, actually Jac: I'll ask him, be nothing but thrilled Jesse: thrilled about you talking Jac: you could be a little more buzzing yourself, honestly Jesse: I am Jesse: silent brooding works better for lads Jesse: and it's sorta my gig Jac: Don't worry, I'll leave your guitar out of my 'brooding' Jac: keep it truly 🤐 Jesse: 👍 Jac: You been tasked to make sure I don't top myself or this purely about your knowledge adversion Jesse: writer's block Jac: well you aren't co-opting my heartbreak Jac: not being another bitch who never gets the credit she's due Jesse: have a credit Jesse: don't matter to me Jac: Got enough hits, Mr Sensitive? Jac: alright Jac: it would piss Jude off if I got mine 'fore her Jesse: chart faves are shitting themselves Jac: yeah, you're well top40, always said so 😏 Jesse: prefer the 🤐 off you then Jac: Charming Jac: no wonder I'm so well-adjusted Jesse: you're doing alright Jac: Ha, what are you basing that expert opinion on? Jesse: 👀 Jac: Notoriously deceptive, 👀s Jesse: depends whose Jac: Remember when we started school Jac: and the teachers used to get our names the wrong way 'round Jesse: yeah Jesse: put a k on yours and an i in mine Jac: right Jac: maybe we can really commit to the swap now Jesse: if you like Jac: I could get the silent brooding down Jac: my sex aside Jesse: I'm not doing everything you do Jesse: be knackered Jac: you kidding? Jac: I'm laying here watching this cuppa go cold Jesse: [comes in and drinks it because we don't waste tea in this house] Jesse: don't stare at an empty mug Jesse: that's 💔 Jac: [the smallest lol ever] Jac: what do I do then? Jesse: [gets his guitar and starts teaching her some basics, like well if you're gonna be me] Jac: [that's a nice moment] Jesse: [just passing that guitar between them like] Jac: ['does it work then?'] Jesse: [a look like what?] Jac: [looks at the guitar then does 💔 mime] Jesse: [gets his phone and shows her how many songs/playlists etc there are on spotify or wherever about heartbreak with a shrug like it must do] Jac: [a look back that says 'or it doesn't'] Jesse: [a look back like maybe nothing does and looks at his imaginary watch like maybe time does] Jac: [scatching look like your mother] Jesse: [😏 like both of your parents] Jac: [taps the empty mug like make us another one? 'might be able to drink some of this one'] Jesse: [goes to do that and will bring her biscuits of course] Jac: [I'd love a biscuit rn tbh] Jesse: you know what would work? Jac: tell me Jesse: 🥊 Jac: I can barely hold a mug Jac: you want an easy win that bad? Jesse: you held a guitar Jac: not as hard as you want girls to believe, pretty boy Jesse: piss off Jac: 😏 Jesse: told ya you were doing alright Jac: not dead yet Jesse: 👍 Jesse: Jude would have it said you are Jesse: or dying Jac: She's got Auntie Grace's dramatic streak Jac: she'll wanna 🥊 me for saying it but can't hide from the truth Jesse: she wants to knock out loads of people Jesse: get in line Jac: I'm not queuing Jesse: 💔 isn't a killer then? Jac: Haven't you ever? Jac: ❤ or 💔 Jesse: only been in like Jac: reckon I've only ever been out Jesse: what do you mean? Jac: I thought it was ❤ Jac: but it weren't Jesse: weren't to you Jesse: or weren't to them Jac: Is there a difference? Jesse: yeah Jac: if it's not reciprocated Jac: it's not real Jesse: if it was real to one of you Jac: Only in my 🧠 Jesse: you reckon? Jac: I know now Jesse: if they even know Jac: what do you mean? Jesse: how they feel might be complicated Jesse: in their 🧠 or ❤ Jac: She made her feelings really clear Jesse: one of them Jac: It's not even how much this hurts Jac: and it does Jac: but I'm going to be completely alone Jesse: [brings her the tea and biscuits and does the feelsy lean on her that JJ do like no you won't] Jac: [just tapping his hand like she did the mug because we can't be smiling or showing appreciation in any way more than this rn] Jesse: [we drinking tea and eating biscuits cos emotions] Jac: [again, a nice moment, even though if you could cry, you would be] Jesse: [his biscuit falling in his tea and him doing the 💔 mime] Jac: [kisses her teeth like amateur 'won't tell dad'] Jesse: [does a little spur of the moment song about it that's so silly] Jac: [snorts 'oh, now I get why you have fans, yeah' shaking her head] Jesse: [throws a pillow at her because father's son] Jac: [hits him with it, obvs] Jesse: [lets her because it'll help] Jac: [should turn into you lowkey angrily beating him with the pillow like a crazy grieving person 'cos tea] Jesse: [100% approved and he'll eventually just hug her when she's exhausted her anger] Jac: [allowing it 'cos you need it] Jesse: [you seriously do gal] Jac: [loved this tbh] Jesse: [I like them together a lot] Jac: [but not in an incesty way ty] Jesse: [no no] Jac: [later, like, he left] Jac: thanks Jesse: it's just tea Jac: no just about, boy Jesse: 🙄😏 Jac: just let me know when you need a cup, yeah? Jesse: every hour on the hour Jesse: tah Jac: don't take the piss, like Jesse: don't sound like me Jac: 'course not Jesse: real food? Jac: biscuits are the most important food group Jesse: Dad entered the chat Jac: thank fuck he hasn't Jesse: worse people to talk to Jesse: in this house Jac: don't need to tell me Jac: dreading when she gets back Jesse: I'll take her on a dog walk Jesse: long Jac: throw a ⚾ and lose her Jac: bless Jesse: you've done the runner Jac: it worked so well Jesse: no seeing the future Jac: dunno if anyone thinks it's all that shocking Jesse: you weren't doing it for shock factor Jac: mum thinks I'm such a prick Jesse: She don't have the full story Jesse: and she can be a prick Jac: she ain't saying it like a compliment Jesse: not personally gutted that you weren't as good at pissing off as her Jac: 🤢 Jac: careful Jesse: 🤠 Jac: gotta live up to the namesake, yeah Jesse: don't wanna be the other McCartney Jesse: and you're more likely to invent Facebook than I am Jac: but how will I know I've got a beautiful soul now? 💔 Jesse: Talk to her Jac: who Jesse: the girl you love Jac: I can't Jesse: not today Jesse: but she's not going anywhere Jac: she's gone Jac: I can feel it Jac: nothing is the same now Jesse: loads has been happening Jesse: cut her some slack Jac: you didn't see the look on her face Jesse: I've seen her with you loads of other times Jac: she was in love with Tyler Jac: everyone knew it Jesse: was Jac: that was me Jac: their breakup Jesse: No it weren't Jac: I've done a lot of shit Jesse: that's not why she reacted like she did Jac: She's straight Jac: regardless Jesse: she said? Jac: the 👀 Jesse: it's for her to say Jesse: I got shit scared the 1st time I performed, it don't mean I never wanted to again Jac: well, she can Jac: not getting my hopes up here though Jesse: she'll be alone an' all Jac: if she weren't 💬 him in her uber back Jesse: you reckon? Jac: probably Jac: wouldn't be surprised Jesse: that's rough Jac: mhm Jesse: You wanna come to tonight's gig? Jac: How 💔 is your set? Jesse: it ain't Jesse: but it ain't set in stone Jac: don't go changing it on my account Jac: not fit to be seen by the public Jesse: write down the songs you wanna hear Jesse: if you can hold a pen Jesse: pub's in the middle of nowt Jac: I could use a drink that don't have milk in Jac: no white russians Jesse: should've said Jac: not before 5PM Jesse: real food 1st Jac: Dad entered the chat Jesse: don't wanna clean up your 🤮 you prick Jac: then don't Jac: and I'm not an amateur Jesse: 🖕😏 Jac: they got a 🚽 yeah? Jesse: Dunno Jac: Jesus Jac: super ⭐dom is well glam Jesse: Piss off Jac: can we be out the house 'fore they're all back or what Jesse: if you like Jac: you don't wanna be unfashionably early though Jesse: we can find somewhere else to go Jac: alright Jac: better than repeating the same conversations again Jesse: 👍 Jac: 🤠 Jesse: dress code? Jac: I'm not that gay Jesse: gutted Jac: 💔 Jesse: if we ain't matching, better not Jac: let us borrow a hat Jac: not gonna be pulling Jesse: Alright Jac: give me time to wash Jesse: don't have to queue Jac: polite to pretend I ain't a state Jesse: is it? Jesse: or are you just not? Jac: oh yeah, winning at life, me Jesse: weren't what I said Jesse: but you don't look like Alice Cooper, you can have that Jac: Cheers Jesse: 🏆

[mittensmorgul]

9.09, Holy Terror.

Remember, folks. Writers lie.

But Metatron slips back into the story like the proverbial serpent. I mean, that's literally the metaphor that applies, considering he's the one who finally unmasks Gadreel for us-the-audience, despite Dean still being in the dark. But there's far more manipulation going on in this episode...

As Gadreel tightens the screws on Dean, Metatron applies the exact right pressure to Gadreel. It's figworms within figworms, one after the other rotting the apple from the inside out, and everything is about to collapse.

Remember in the 9.06-9.07 post, I described the process through which Dean's lies and half-truths gradually came to light until they were completely out in the open? Well, that's beginning in earnest with his current round of increasingly unsustainable lies, and we begin to really see the toll it's all taking on Dean.

(also need to note one of the angels killed in the opening scene, his vessel was named "Red Dawg," in a season where Dean has both been referred to by the nickname "D-Dog," and also became an actual dog for an episode already... the MoC/demon Dean foreshadowing was pervasive in this season)

We've already seen Sam begin to crack under the weight of it all at the end of 9.08, but now both Dean and Cas will feel that burden, too...

Dean pushes Gadreel for an honest answer about Sam's recovery, pressuring him for a better answer, while Gadreel expresses his concern over working a case that potentially involves angels, but also leaving the entire burden of perpetuating the deception on Dean himself. And he's not doing well with that burden, and Sam's losing faith in himself and trust in Dean's increasingly shady answers...

SAM (getting agitated) No, it's more than Vesta! I mean, this kind of thing's been happening to me. Like, like, there are chunks of time just … missing. Like there are times when I'm... not here. DEAN Well, like I've said— SAM Yes, the trials. I know. I heard you. I heard you when you said it the last week and the week before that and the week before that. DEAN Yeah, because ... damn straight the trials. They whacked you, man. You're not up to warp speed yet, okay? But you will be.  (Smiles at SAM.)  Would I lie?

and

Blue light flashes in SAM’s eyes; EZEKIEL-IN-SAM is back. DEAN (knowing he's about to get more grief from EZEKIEL-IN-SAM) Oh, boy. EZEKIEL-in-SAM Well? What are you going to do about this? DEAN About Cas? EZEKIEL-in-SAM He is a beacon, Dean, pulling every angel for miles down on our heads. DEAN All right, you know what, Zeke? Level with me. What is it that you're so afraid of? EZEKIEL-IN-SAM I told you. When I chose to answer your prayers and heal Sam, I chose sides. That means I'm not in good standing with certain angels. DEAN Okay, well, you know what? Cas isn't in good standing with any angel, all right? But here he is, ass on the line, fighting the fight. So tell me, what makes you so special?

But Dean breaks down again and begins to strategically confess to Cas, still leaving out crucial pieces of information, but giving him enough that Cas does eventually begin to understand the gravity of Dean's situation:

CASTIEL (clears throat) I, um, I noticed you look... kind of uncomfortable whenever Sam mentions my leaving. Doesn't he know that you told me to leave? DEAN Here's the deal. When Sam was doing the trials to seal up Hell, it messed him up. Okay? The third one nearly killed him. If I'd let him finish, it would have. He's still messed up, bad. CASTIEL You said the angel, Ezekiel, helped heal him. DEAN (looks down, avoiding the question) Look, I got to do anything I can to get him back. Now, if that means that we keep our distance from you for a little while, then... Then I don't have a choice. I don't feel good about it, but I don't have a choice. It's great to have your help, Cas. Okay, but we just can't work together. CAS looks sad.

Bolding mine. I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT, BUT I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.

Cas, being Not A Moron™ now understands that everything that's happened since the angels fell, since Dean went to extraordinary measures to save Sam with "Ezekiel's" help, has put Dean in this impossible position. He might not know the true extent of it, but at the end of the episode when he calls Dean to warn him that "Ezekiel" is not who he's pretending to be, he knows that Dean absolutely NEEDS this information... which he could only have known if he understood that Dean had made some sort of as-yet-still-secret-by-necessity-of-Sam-continuing-to-be-not-dead pact with Fake Ezekiel...

And then, a truly horrible twist of circumstance as Cas searches for answers and is captured by a group of angels and tortured. Everyone is just doing what they have to do...:

CASTIEL Angels butchering angels. Is this what we've become? MALACHI Just following your example, Castiel. How many did you kill in Heaven? How many in the Fall? (off CASTIEL's look)  Oh, you didn't know? A host of angels died when they fell – Azrael, Sophia, Ezekiel (At this last name, CASTIEL turns very thoughtful) ...  "Died" doesn't even describe it. Devastation. Wings shredded, unspeakable agony at your hands. So, I think you would want to provide any information you have, considering... (pause; no response from CASTIEL) All right. I leave you in the hands of an artist. (to THEO) I don't care what's left. THEO Don't ask for mercy. There is none. THEO walks and shuts the door, then returns to CASTIEL, and picks up a drill. THEO I'll give you one last chance for this to end. CASTIEL Give me a quick death. CASTIEL closes his eyes and holds up his face in anticipation of the blow(s). THEO I need you to speak to Metatron. Everyone knows you have influence. CASTIEL now opens his eyes and looks in astonishment at THEO. THEO (continuing) He'll listen to you. Ask him to raise me to Heaven. You can do this, Castiel. I'll be a soldier for Metatron, do anything he wants. CASTIEL You – you serve Malachi. THEO I thought he was the answer, but he's crazy. CASTIEL You're... noticing this now? You were more than willing to do his dirty work. THEO I did what I had to.

So of course Cas does what he has to do, now that he knows what Metatron is up to, that Dean is in danger from the False Ezekiel:

CASTIEL (on the phone) Dean, I don't have a lot of time, so listen. The leader of the opposition is an angel named Malachi. DEAN How do you know that? CASTIEL He had me. I, uh, I was tortured. But I got away. DEAN How? CASTIEL I... I did what I had to. I became what they've become. A barbarian. DEAN What are you – Cas, where are you? CASTIEL It's better I stay away. They're gonna want me even more now. But I'm gonna be all right. I... I got my Grace back. Well, not mine per se, but it'll do. DEAN Wait, you're – you're back? You got your mojo? CASTIEL I'm not sure. But I am an angel. DEAN And you're okay with that? CASTIEL If we're going to war, I need to be ready.

Unfortunately Cas's warning comes too late to save Sam, or Kevin, and Gadreel takes over fully, having been deceived and manipulated into doing Metatron's dirty work, just as Cas had been in 8.22-8.23.

Which is why Cas immediately forgives Dean in the opening scenes of...

9.10, Road Trip.

(meanwhile, the angels all continue to be Terrible™ in the background, proving they were always Terrible™ and are only using Cas as a scapegoat, blaming their troubles on him when honestly they were all always Terrible Manipulative Bastards™ all on their own!)

(also, Andrew "what are cars even anyway" Dabb writing an episode called "Road Trip" makes me cackle)

Watching Dean suffering alone at the bunker (Gadreel even stole the Impala ffs), giving Kevin a hunter's funeral alone... this was hard. And then Cas showed up 100% understanding, and 100% ready to help however he could, back in a new trench now that he had his mojo back. So in that way, Dean had already resigned himself to having An Angel back, and not the same Cas he'd tossed out in his worst moment. It's his fault Cas was forced to go to that measure. Ouch.

I'd also like to point out the similarity between Metatron luring Cas in during s8-- starting by appealing to Cas's desire for atonement, his need for all the angels to stop the infighting and begin working together again, to restore order, and then luring him in to increasingly horrific acts he promised would achieve those ends. When Cas had balked, Metatron had manipulated circumstances to push Cas into doing them anyway. Same with Gadreel.

Metatron used the lure of being able to clear his name, back in 9.09:

METATRON: Relax. I'm not here to out you. But I am curious, why Ezekiel? NOT-EZEKIEL-IN-SAM They say he is a good, and ... honorable angel. METATRON Ahhhh. Everything they say you are not. I see your point... Gadreel. NOT-EZEKIEL-IN-SAM (henceforth to be known as GADREEL-IN-SAM) The stories about me – they are not true! METATRON And yet you spent countless thousands of years locked in Heaven's darkest dungeon. And now you're hiding in this human, posing as Ezekiel. (shakes his head) Tragic. It broke His heart to lock you away, you know? You were God's most trusted. That's why He chose you to protect the garden. Your one task was to keep evil from entering... from befouling His cherished creation, mankind, and you failed Him! GADREEL-IN-SAM Not my doing. METATRON Well, for whatever reason, the serpent entered. The Earth is cursed with evil. Someone had to be blamed.

Gadreel had been duped from the start. And he didn't let evil onto the Earth. Adam and Eve weren't tainted with evil when they ate the apple, they were tained with the KNOWLEDGE of good and evil. If knowledge could be considered a "curse" in the first place. And Gadreel just happened to be the one left standing there after the deed had been done, even if he was no more complicit in what resulted that Cas had been in Metatron's spell that made the angels fall. But unlike Cas, Gadreel believes Metatron truly wants to help him clear his name, or at the very least help him build his reputation anew by doing "good" now... and yiiiiiikes....

Gadreel was horrifically okay with killing Kevin on Metatron's orders, because Kevin was helping Dean perform a spell to eject him from Sam, and it was partly (at least he could rationalize it that way) self-defense. And he was all too happy to murder his former jailer who was now envesseled in a Justin Bieber wannabe. I believe we all cheered about that guy getting his comeuppance. But then Metatron orders him to kill the only angel Gadreel had considered a friend, who he'd been imprisoned with, and who'd decided to embrace the human life he'd found himself in, adopting his (previously abusive jerkwad) vessel's family as his own. Abner had been HAPPY with his life, and yet to save his own reputation, and without questioning Metatron's order, Gadreel killed him.

Crowley also played a role in this, using his NSA-infiltrated demon to track the stolen Impala. Crowley praised her for also playing ball with Abaddon (and later Abaddon would kill her for admitting she was also helping Crowley... two very different ruling styles...), and then they'd have to move from Plan A (torturing Gadreel with the Angel Brainwashing Halo Thingie) to Plan B (crowley possessing Sam to convince him to evict Gadreel from the inside).

Gadreel gone back to his previous vessel, Sam feels justifiably violated by his possessions.

Sam: What do you want me to say? I’m pissed? Okay I am, I’m pissed. You lied to me - again. Dean: I didn't have a choice. Sam: I was ready to die Dean. Dean: I know. But I wouldn't let you, because that’s not in me. Sam: So what, you decide to trick me into being possessed by some...psycho angel? Dean: He saved your life. Sam: So what. I was willing to die. And now...Kevin. Dean: No, that is not on you. Kevin’s blood is on my hands. And that ain’t ever getting clean. I’ll burn for that. I will. But I’ll find Gadreel and I will end that son of a bitch. But I’ll do it alone. Sam: What’s that supposed to mean? Dean: Come on man, can’t you see, I’m poison. People get close to me they get killed, or worse. I tell myself I help more people than I hurt and I tell myself that I’m doing it all for the right reasons and I believe that. But I can’t -- I won’t drag anyone anybody into the muck with me - not anymore. Sam: Go. I’m not going to stop you. But don’t go thinking that’s the problem because it’s not. Dean: What’s that supposed to mean? Sam: Just go.

And we're back to not talking to each other. And there's our final "I didn't have a choice." But there's also the fact that Dean DIDN'T trick Sam into letting an angel possess him. The angel did that all on his own. Asking for Dean's permission was entirely besides the point. It was Sam who had to say yes, and it was Gadreel who assumed Dean's likeness inside Sam's mind, using what he'd learned about Sam during his unattended "examination" while Dean had been talking to Cas and blowing away the other angels attacking the hospital to learn what he'd need to manipulate Sam into saying yes. And it's not like Dean intended to lie, that was Gadreel's condition he'd at first told Dean was to prevent Sam from ejecting him and basically dying on the spot before they could explain the plan to Sam. And then over time, as Dean tried to tell Sam the truth before it got to that point, Gadreel actively prevented him from doing so. It was only then that Dean realized just how screwed he was. ALLLLLL the guilt of everything bad that's resulted from Gadreel possessing Sam to this point, Dean blames all of it on himself-- Cas, Kevin, Sam... all of it. Sam's just... still reeling from his own experience that he's unable to see this yet. Unfortunately, he won't see it for a good long while to come, after it's far too late to save Dean from what the mark will do to him.

And another cycle of manipulation, betrayal, and sacrifice begins. Chuck must've been pretty damn proud of this one... all he had to do was sit back and watch Metatron execute the very Him-like plan for him. 

[trustyourgutblog]

❁ Intro. Q&A with S&C ❁

❁ What is your favorite type of movement?

S: I struggled with movement for a long time. Exercise was categorized as a chore in my brain growing up. I had parents who LOVED running, yet running always made me feel like I was dying. I discovered yoga in late high school. Last year, I completely fell in love with a studio that incorporates HIIT, core, and heat to create a dynamic workout. I'm obsessed! It's my therapy, workout, community, and whole heart in one. I also love that yoga is a competition against yourself - constantly bettering your own practice, rather than focused on competition against others.

C: Growing up I was always active and involved in sports like basketball and track. I’ve ALWAYS hated the running aspect, but every now and then I’ll go for a jog outside if it’s nice out. Now that I get to choose my workouts, I enjoy a combination of lifting, yoga, and HIIT workouts. My workout split typically looks like 4 days of lifting and HIIT and 1-2 days of yoga. On rest days, I always start my mornings with a short yoga flow or light stretching. I also enjoy the hot yoga classes that S talked about above! Hot yoga is what brought us together :).

❁ What is your favorite way to de-stress?

S: Oh god. Anything alone. Seriously. I am extroverted until I hit my limit and once I hit that limit it is a hard crash. I recently moved to a really friendly neighborhood and have loved riding my bike to the library, curling up in my hammock, and reading a great book while listening to some instrumental tunes. 

C: So many different ways! As a social worker, in order to be effective, I have to be on top of my self-care at all times. Journaling, meditation, yoga, reading, walking, and playing with my dogs and cats are some of my favorite ways to de-stress. I also find that using ear seeds helps when I’m experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety. Stay tuned for more ear seed info. in later blog posts!

❁ What is your favorite self-care strategy?

S: I need to be organized. I like knowing what food I'm going to eat the next day, having everything written out and color-coded in my planner, etc. I do really well when everything is put in its place and prepped for the next day - to a fault. I tend to deal with my high maintenance personality with obsessive organization because it is the type of self-care that directly combats my ADHD brain and keeps me functioning.

C: In addition to the ways that I de-stress above, I find a sense of calm in my weekly routine. At the beginning of the week, I enjoy cooking and meal prepping lunches for work, cleaning, and journaling my goals and intentions for the week. I have a Panda Planner that I like to use to stay organized. I also feel my best when I’m taking care of myself (i.e. focusing on eating well, being active, and maintaining my beauty/skincare routine).

❁ What are your health passions?

S: I have been on and off vegan for 6 years. I decided to start it back up at the beginning of this year, and 99% of the time I follow veganism. That's a HUGE passion of mine. I also recently started cycle syncing and I can't shut up about it!! I'm so excited to see what benefits it will provide. I'm a RYT200 yoga teacher with certifications in trauma-informed, children's, and teen yoga - I'm particularly passionate about incorporating vulnerability and mental health aspects into my practice. Lastly, I struggle with physical health (Endometriosis diagnosis) and mental health (GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder & ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder diagnosis), this has been a huge journey for me over the past two years. I am currently at a point where I manage these diagnoses really well naturally and it's important to me.

C: GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH! That is what inspired the name for this blog! I find that my gut health impacts my skin, moods, weight, energy level, and my overall well-being. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and IBD in 2016 and have been focused on healing myself with a combination of Western Medicine-based medication, nutrition and journaling food sensitivities, vitamin supplements, movement, and strategies to improve my mental health. Don’t get me wrong - I’m very passionate about mental health in general as I’m a practicing therapist, however, I tend to get burnt out on focusing on mental health only as it is often difficult for my consumers to incorporate a holistic approach. I am also passionate about movement and working on my fitness, as Fergie would say. There’s something uplifting about accomplishing a new fitness goal whether it’s increasing my weights in lifting or holding a headstand in yoga (still working on that one lol).

❁ What led you to wholistic wellness?

S: I had parents who made a huge lifestyle change right after my freshman year of high school. As a family, we went vegan cold turkey (or is it cold tofurkey? pls laugh) and my Mom poured her heart and soul into researching natural alternatives. I have had my own battle with balancing traditional medicine with more holistic results. I very strongly believe in wholistic approaches - I'm not against medication by any means, but I believe it's so so important to treat the whole person and that there is no "one size fits all" approach.

C: Growing up, I didn’t think there was anything particularly “unhealthy” about my lifestyle, but reflecting back as an adult, I can definitely say that we were not a household that was focused on optimal nutrition. We drank gallons of milk and Sunny D and ate maybe a serving of canned vegetables per day. We were active, so no one in my family was overweight, but I think my parents were just raising us on foods that they grew up on (that and canning became all the rage in the 90’s). I would say that I became passionate about holistic approaches to my health shortly after I was diagnosed with Crohn’s and was trying to learn to manage my symptoms. I had a lot of inflammation in 2016 and was prescribed a low dosage of steroids until my doctor prescribed immunosuppressants to keep my immune system from attacking my colon. I began focusing on more holistic approaches when I noticed that medication alone wasn’t making me feel 100%. Sure, it stopped my active inflammation, however, I was still struggling with stomach cramping, diarrhea, and chronic fatigue. About 1 year after I was diagnosed, my husband and I moved to a larger area where I had access to more specialized medical providers. My new gastroenterologist (GI) referred me to a nutritionist who helped me to learn to identify my food sensitivities. She also referred me to a behavioral health psychologist who provided me with an outlet for my stress and anxiety. I began to learn that I was holding chronic tension in my stomach whenever I was stressed or anxious about something. That’s when I began to understand the importance of holistic health.

❁ What is your personal social media?

S: @sarahlhively on Instagram

C: @cassandruh_dee on Instagram

❁ What kind of posts can I expect to see on this blog?

S: I'm really excited to talk about managing mental health naturally (particularly anxiety), possible book recommendations, self-care, and healthy meal prepping while on a broke college student’s budget.

C: I look forward to sharing my personal experiences with navigating my chronic health issues, nutrition, FODMAPs, gut health, mental health, the gut-brain connection, fitness/movement, and self-care.

❁ Why social work?

S: It's nice to not have this question followed up by "you know you'd make much more money as _______. Is it too late to change your major?" But for real. I started college as a special education major, quickly realized I'd rather do pretty much anything other than write lesson plans, and switched to being a WGST major. I expected to be able to get a job doing advocacy work with a particular focus on LGBTQ+ & women issues. I soon realized the WGST track is for students who eventually want to do research and social work was more what I was looking for. I never looked back. The multiple directions a social work degree can be taken in, the continually changing cases, the advocacy, vulnerability, and seeking justice for people all capture my heart. 

C: I have always been passionate about having a career centered around helping people. I became interested in therapy after having a particularly negative experience with a therapist that my dad sent me to when I was getting caught in the middle of my parent’s divorce and I experienced some trauma. I originally pursued psychology, however, fell into social work when I figured out that there are so many different opportunities available for MSWs.  I truly love my job and feel grateful to be compensated (FYI times have changed and not all social workers make next to nothing - thank the universe) for serving the children and families on my caseload

[blazehedgehog]

You mentioned May May was sort of a saviour after your previous pet's passing. Will your mother and you manage alright going forward? P.S. Really sorry to read about your special cat moving on :'(

There’s nothing that I can do about it. She was sick, and it was her time.

Would I like another cat? That’s not something I can easily answer right now. I am of two minds.

I’ve never been alone. For as long as I can remember, we’ve always had pets. Always always. When I was born (mid 1980′s), my Mom already had a dog, a miniature poodle named Sugar, and a Peekapoo named Frosty.

Sugar died before I was much older than 4 years old, so I don’t remember much about her. My brother moved in with us (1989, maybe 1990) while we were still living in California, and brought one of his cats, Nocona. He sort of became our cat after my brother moved out. He was a solid black tomcat with bright emerald green eyes. Absolutely beautiful.

When we moved from Cali to Colorado (1991), we brought Nocona and Frosty with us, and while we were staying at our Uncle’s house, one of their cats had a litter of kittens, so we ended up with two we named Babs and Furball. Babs was considered my Mom’s cat, and she was a tiny little orange and black calico, and Furball was mine, and her opposite – a big, slate gray cat with a white tummy and white boots that grew to the size of a Maine Coon.

Nocona, being a former stray, was not a lap cat and not super affectionate, though that gradually started to change over the years. Babs and Furball, given we raised them from newborn kittens, adored us. Nocona would often get jealous and try to establish dominance, until we eventually had him neutered, then he really mellowed out.

Frosty hung on for ages. She was two weeks from her 20th birthday when she died (1997-ish?). She was deaf and blind and eventually senile, but she kept going.

Once she was gone, it was down to just the three cats, which became four cats once our Grandma moved from Nevada to Colorado (1999-ish). She brought with her a tortoise shell calico that my brother had gotten for her named Barbie. Us having Barbie was only meant to be a temporary situation, but she ended up becoming our cat, even though she did NOT get along with the other three.

Most of our cats lived to be a good 10+ years, but eventually all died, and from what we mostly believe to be either stomach cancer or feline AIDS (both very common in cats). I want to say Babs was first, then Nocona, then Furball, over the span of 3-4 years in the early 2000′s. Eventually it was just Barbie.

In 2005 or 2006, a friend of my Aunt’s was moving and needed to get rid of their two dogs and their cat. The plan was that we’d take one dog, but then it became both dogs, and it almost became both dogs and the cat, but we thankfully backed out of that.

We were assured the dogs got along well with cats, for obvious reasons, but that did not end up being the case. We had to keep Barbie quarantined to one half of the house (basement) and the dogs got the run of the other half (up stairs).

The first dog was Bandit, a Shitzu, and we were told he was maybe two years old. Once we had him, he seemed much older, at least 3 or 4, maybe more. The other dog was a black little Pomeranian they named “Shaky Bear” because when he would get excited, he’d shiver. We didn’t like that name, so we started calling him Fozzie. We were told he was a year old, but he also seemed much older than we were lead to believe. We figure they fudged the dog’s ages to get us to take them.

Within a couple years of getting the dogs, Barbie started developing health problems, same as the other cats. That one was actually pretty shocking – with all the other cats, you could tell they were slowing down and that it was their time to go. Barbie was acting totally fine, but suddenly had trouble using the litter box, so we took her in for what I thought was a routine check up and my Mom came out wiping tears, with an empty cat carrier. I still don’t really understand what happened to her, other than my Mom telling me that “she was just old.” And to be fair, we’d had her almost ten years, and my Grandma had her at least two before that, so that was true.

I quickly learned that while I liked dogs, I was definitely a cat person. Cats are chill and easy to take care of. They do their own thing and you do yours. Dogs, especially small dogs like shitzus and pomeranians, are hyperactive, noisy, and require way more maintenance. Dogs are loud frat boys that are always ready to party. Cats are the quiet roommate that sometimes watches a movie with you. Both can be good, but in different ways, and the entire time we had the dogs, I found myself living vicariously by watching videos of Maru.

We didn’t know exactly how old the dogs were, so there was no way to measure their life expectancy. Bandit died in 2011. We’re pretty sure he had a seizure, or a series of seizures, and he went blind and senile within the span of a few months. He’d often have trouble finding his food dish and eventually had trouble standing on his own. He became so senile he’d start have panic attacks, and eventually just stopped wanting to eat. It’s possible he developed canine alzheimers (CCD).

Fozzie died a little over a year later in December of 2012. It was possibly liver failure, but we don’t know. All of our other pets were put down as to not prolong their suffering, but Fozzie actually died in my arms on the way to the vet. Though I was a cat person, Fozzie was such a strong personality that it broke my heart to see him go. We both cried a lot, and speaking personally, it was the first time a pet’s death had ever made me cry. That was a hard year for a lot of other reasons, and emotionally speaking, I have never been the same person since his death.

The house was empty for all of two or three days until our next door neighbor asked if we could take care of her cat for a few months while she found a place to live in California. Instead, she moved to Arizona, got a new Chihuahua, and lived with friends and family (who had pets of their own) for almost a year. It didn’t seem like a good idea for her to take her cat in to an environment like that, so it was decided the cat was ours now.

That cat was May May. I was instantly in love with her, but my Mom tried to keep her distance after what happened to Fozzie. Obviously, that didn’t last forever.

After Fozzie’s death we said no more pets, but we ended up with the cat, sort of against our will. Now that she’s broken our hearts, too, we’ve said that she was it.

I try to think about it logically. When we moved to Nevada a couple years ago, part of the reason it was so difficult to find a place to live is because out of the 100+ places we applied to, a good 80-90% of them were not pet-friendly. Where we’re living right now was essentially the first place that had room for us and said yes to pets, and it took almost 5 months for it to become available.

Not having an animal with us opens up a lot of doors for better places for us to live. Cheaper rent, lower move-in deposits, bigger general availability. We’ll also be saving at least $50 a month on pet supplies. No more special digestive food, no more lugging 20lbs of cat litter up and down a flight of stairs every month. 

But at the same time… May May was the only friend I got to bring with me from Colorado. There will be days now where I will really be truly alone in this apartment for the first time… ever. For literally my entire lifetime, I’ve always had pets by my side, and now I won’t.

And I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a distressing, lonely thing to consider.

Our lease is up next month and we’d hoped to move somewhere better after the holidays rush is over. And once we’re locked in to a place that doesn’t accept pets, that’ll be it.

And there’s a part of me that’s okay with that, and a part of me that really, really isn’t. It’s kind of paralyzing to think about.

I guess we’ll just have to find out what happens by living through it.

[brujeria-histeria]

Best Mates

Harry meets up with his Friend who he hasn’t seen in years. Hacy of course.

Packing was all done, now it was time to say goodbye for the long weekend. Maggie double checked his checklist and checked his clothes, Mel suggested the best coffee shops in the area according to her friend in that city and Macy... well sweet Macy baked him a sweet send off treat and gave him a thermos full of his favorite piping hot tea, with a blush. She had learned well from his tea lesson tutelage. 

Harry was going to Seattle for the extended weekend to do important whitelighter business. He was only comfortable going making sure each of his charges pinky swore to call him immediately should any problem they could not face alone arised. He was excited himself because he’d be seeing an old friend he hadn’t seen in a couple of decades.  Louis Aznavour Jordan, a french born whitelighter who had been his partner in crime for a long time. 

Louis’s charges were often connected or close to his charges, up until he was assigned Fiona. They had many adventures together and in whitelighter years Louis was 10 years his senior, although they both died at the age of 37, Louis was born in 1910, whereas Harry was born in 1920. With country pride an all that, some wouldn’t think a Frenchman and an Englishman would get along so splendidly but they did. Louis was a dashing man, of course with an air of old fashioned charm and the handsome face to match, he had wavy slightly lighter brown hair than Harry, but was the same height as him and some would mistake them as cousins.”

After hugging each the girls goodbye, a kiss on the cheek from Maggie and squeezing Macy a little extra tight after he heard her breathe him in, he snapped his fingers and made it to a “checkpoint” in an alleyway and then emerged from it hailing a cab to his hotel. He got all checked in and made his way to the meeting spot in a reserved restaurant and looked around eagerly for Louis. 

“GREENWOOD!” He heard that distinct voice yell across a room full of Whitelighters. 

“JORDAN!” they shook hands and embraced warmly. “Good to see you old chap.” Harry smiled. 

“Likewise Mon Amie. Look at you, Whitelighter to the Charmed ones! I’m proud of you.” he praised him honestly. The pair continued to compliment and catch up on their way to a table where they ordered tea and finger sandwiches. 

“So, what’s it like serving the Charmed ones?” Louis leaned in. “I heard they are very cute young ladies.” Harry grew uncomfortable at his words, not because Louis was being offensive, because they were ......cute and Macy in particular made him blush a lot with how......cute... she was.

“Louis please, have some respect.” he blushed. 

“What? Word gets around, I heard they’re very talented and smart too. The youngest one wants to be what a psychiatrist, the middle one is almost a professor herself and the oldest one a doctor. Jackpot of charges.” he said sipping his water. “My current charge, bless his heart, is wants to go live in Salem to feel his ancestors before him, yet the boy is too scared to drive.” 

“I don’t blame him, people drive worse today than back in our day.” Harry replied. “And yes, I have great girls, they’re Darlings, mischievous and hard headed, but Darlings.” 

“Aren’t they all, hard headed and conniving?” Louis laughed.

“Mmm,” Harry hummed sipping his tea “Maggie the youngest one, truly is the definition of a younger sister, if it weren’t for the fact I’m almost 100 years old I’d swear she’s mine, she’s an angel but uses her big doe eyes to get her way when I won’t budge, she’s still compassionate and huge sweetheart and all she wants to do is help, she’s wise in her own ways.” 

“Children, always made you a softie.” Louis chuckled, 

“She’s 19 but yes in relativity to me, a child.” he scoffed. “Mel is the middle child, she’s hard headed and headstrong but I respect the hell out of that girl and she’s very smart, she takes no mess from anyone, not even me but she’s still so sweet when she doesn’t think anyone notices, she’s gained that aspect of kindness from her mother.” 

“Mmm sounds like my old charge Randie, remember her?” Louis asked, not particularly needing an answer. 

“Macy is the eldest and she’s...wonderful. She’s insanely smart, her I.Q. is impressively high. She’s a scientist, she went off to college at 16, you know.” Harry praised, and Louis noticed a shift in Harry’s demeanor. “She loves to bake and do nerdy little awkward things like watch corny 90s tv shows. And she’s so strong, she mastered her power in almost no time.”

“Hm,” Louis stared intently at Harry, who had a small smile grace his lips. “You have a crush on her don’t you?” 

“What??” Harry whipped his head up. “I, I do not, Louis, don’t be ridiculous.” he scoffed. 

“Greenwood I have known you since 1965, and I know how you look when you meet a girl you fancy and I know how you look when you meet a girl you really really fancy. And right now it looks like you really really fancy the eldest.” Louis said biting his sandwich nonchalantly. 

“I, well, um, well you know I can’t...” Harry sighed, there was no use in lying to Louis. They’d both known each other through each other’s relationships, even his relationship with Charity “Its not like I can actually date her, Louis, yes she’s gorgeous and smart, but she’s my actual charge and I’m.... like an old man compared to her. I was alive well before she was thought of.” Harry slouched in his seat. 

Louis understood Harry’s apprehension of course, Harry never dated a charge, not only was it against the rules but Harry for the most part would date around with mortal non magical women until it was time to move onto the next charge, well until he met Charity. 

“Harry, mon amie, if you go through your whole whitelighter lifespan worried about a fully grown adult woman being in diapers in the 80s or afterwards, you’ll never get laid again.” Louis sipped his tea a matter of factly, “My rule is 30 or older. Never younger personally. We feel, things Harry. Unless you want to be celibate you don’t have to be. We need love in our lives too, you know as well as I do our lives can be lonely, when you go home to your bed at night and there’s no wife or husband... no kids interrupting your sleep to climb in bed with you, if you’re lucky the least you could get is a cat or a dog... we’ve had all these things before probably... why should we be loveless servants, we’re more than that, and there are no elders around anymore. We’re free to love who we want.”

“Thank you Louis, but I don’t know if she really wants me in the same way I want her.” 

“Take time to feel her out, does she act differently around you, spend time with you outside of magic training and demon hunting?” 

“Well... she bakes me special treats, we have tea time and tv show bingeing together, we cook together, we listen to the opera together, sometimes the crystals that are brung into her lab for testing will be very old and the ones she finds as old as 1920 she names them after me, like Harry the 3rd.” Harry mused, a smile forming. 

“When did you first get a crush on her?” Louis had never seen his friend so happy.

“Mmm, probably after I first met her, and got to know her, and how she used science to solve problems along with magic. Of course I wasn’t head over heels, I fancied her a bit, but she was into another man at the time which eventually didn’t work out..”

“Well, mon amie, I say go for it. It sounds like she may be sweet on you back. I love to meet your amour and the other Charmed sisters one day.” 

“I think when i get back I’m going to ask to spend more time with her. I hope you meet them too, and I hope you fall in love like I have.” Harry sighed.

“I did, but you didn’t like me back.” Louis winked. 

“Hush up, you cheeky man.” Harry laughed

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Louis’s name is based on one of the two french actors/entertainers I know and I like them alot Louis Jordan and Charles Aznavour. I described him to kinda look like Louis Jordan though with Charles’s curly hair. Also I know more German than French and I’m not really good at Deutsche either lol

[unstiteo-blog]

100 Lessons in Life.

(Summary: this is a story about a young Gabriel "John" Utterson and his life growing up with his family, along with the struggles he faces while the others try to figure out what troubles him.)

Chapter I: Lesson One

The blinding rays of sunlight washed over my eyes, begging I rise from my bed. It was clear they would not leave me alone until I did. With a quiet groan, I sat up, rub my eyes with my fists, rested my glasses on my face, and left my room for breakfast. I’m not surprised to see my sisters up and helping our father prepare the meals. They are nearly finished. I take my usual seat at the table, sit straight, and yawn. “Good morning.”

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” says my father. “You're usually up earlier than this.”

“I'm aware. I apologise for my tardiness, father.”

My father said nothing. He served me my food, ruffled my hair, and smiled at me. “No, no, son. You say, ‘thank you for waiting for me.’ It lets people know you are grateful for their patience.”

“Oh.” That actually did sound better than what I said. How did my father come to be so wise? “In that case, thank you for waiting for me.”

“You're very welcome.” He kissed my head, watched my sisters take their seats, and served their plates with that smile of his. “Why are you up so late?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I kept tossing and turning.”

“Was it a nightmare?” immediately asks my eldest sister, Sienna. I refer to her as Rosey, Rosey dear, or Rose, depending on the time of day. Naturally she would ask that sort of question; she has this tendency to take on the responsibilities of an adult but forgets she is a child, that we are all children who would like to spend time with her. “Were you overthinking again?”

“Again?” I ask, almost offended. “When have I overthought anything?”

“Kid's got a point,” speaks up Zara, who is halfway finished with her meal. No doubt because she wolfed it down like she always does. “If anything, he underthinks.”

“That's not even a word,” I reply with a roll of my eyes. “I just haven’t caught myself overthinking, that’s all.”

“Well,” quietly says Luna, who has more maturity than Zara since she was born after Sienna, “just because you haven’t noticed it doesn’t mean we haven’t. You’re not very good at hiding your emotions.”

Emotions? What emotions? I don’t feel anything! This is preposterous. Father sat at the far end of the table and gave me a worried look, which fills me with dread, but said nothing. I suppose it’s because he knows he can get me to crack with one look alone. “Thank you for the food,” I say, deflated. I suppose I have been overthinking, but not about me.

About them.

My family is very…different from me. If you saw us, you would most certainly not think we were related. I’m the only one who is much, much lighter than them to put it to you shortly. As of late, I’ve been hearing children my age speak ill of my sisters and my father. They say such terrible, abhorrent things that I shan’t repeat—I’m better than that. It concerns how I was born, for the most part, but I already know I wasn’t born under the best circumstances. It’s knowing strangers don’t like them because of me.

I feel like a burden.

But I can’t tell them that. Such matters cannot be changed, and such ignorance can only be helped with the help of miracles. Even so, why does it feel like a knife is piercing through my chest when I think of my mother? She left me; she didn’t want me. It hurts, but I find it in my heart to pity her. My father, Rosey, Lulu, and Zizi are the most kind-hearted and loyal people I've ever met. She could’ve had something nice but avoided it because of me.

I did that.

“Jack. Jack,” eventually cuts in my father. I notice Sienna has been shaking me—how long has she been doing that? “Are you there?”

“What? Huh?” Oh…perhaps not the best response I could’ve given at a time like this. My father frowns.

“You’re doing it again.”

“Oh, forgive me,” I pick at my food and start to eat. I can’t help but notice the others have lost their appetite. “I mean, thank you for assisting in my recovery. Who was speaking?”

“I was talking about how you have this tendency to dodge anything that concerns you,” says Luna. “You always put others before yourself.”

“That doesn’t sound like me at all. I’m a very selfish person, Lulu.”

“There you go again, dodging my point. You are not, and you know you're not. You're a hermit at best.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You should listen to your sister, Jack,” interrupts my father, his voice soft and soothing. I don’t want to admit it, but it does help me relax a little. “She’s always been very talented at reading people, especially her younger brother.”

Drat. That she has. I would look like a fool to turn her away.

“Very well,” I sigh, picking at my food again. “Only because I am outmatched.”

“John-John,” says Sienna, whose arms are now draped over my shoulders, “never forget that the worst thing you can do to yourself in a time of need is to stay silent on the matter.”

“Closed mouths do not get fed,” advises Luna.

“Reaching out doesn’t make you weak,” says Zara. Our father reaches over to hold my hand. He squeezes it firmly.

“We love you, my boy. Do not forget that.”

My hands were ice cold. Sienna pecked my forehead, Luna clung to my arm, and Zara approaches me only to lightly punch me in my [unoccupied] arm. It made me grin.

After that, we continued eating breakfast together, talking and laughing as if none of that happened. Something is wrong with me, we’ve noticed, but I don’t let it prevent me from enjoying my days with my loved ones. Furthermore, I have much studying to do if I wish to become a lawyer someday. I can’t allow the past to consume my thoughts.

The day continued on as normal. Father went to work, our nanny looked out after us, I stayed in father's office to read his books on law. It was obvious he wanted to be a lawyer more than anything, but his job was what kept a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, and provided us with clothing. He was afraid to quit if it meant sacrificing what kept our needs in check. If he quit now and failed to become a lawyer, what happens to us?

I suppose I'd always felt responsible to become a lawyer if we plummet into an unfortunate ending. Much to my surprise, it appears being a lawyer is rather interesting. There is much arguing involved, and you can imagine that's a hobby of mine with three sisters.

I don’t exactly know when I took a break from studying, but I do know I decided to take a break and read one of father's books for fun, but it must’ve taken up the entire day since—

Knock, knock, knock.

Speak of the devil.

There he stood in the doorway, a faint smile on his face. “The girls told me they hadn’t seen you all day. I figured you’d be in here.”

“Am I truly that predictable?”

“A bit, yes. But I’m grateful to know you’re safe.”

“Where else would I turn?”

He didn’t reply. He sat next to me, glanced at the sea of scattered books on the floorboards, then he turned to look at me. “Jack, may we talk about earlier today?”

Blasted. “What…what happened earlier today?”

Father frowned. “Jack…”

“You just got back from work. I don’t wish to bother you.”

“You could never. I love you and the moments we spend together. Knowing you are suffering bothers me more than anything.”

“It happens all the time, you know that.”

“Yes, I do. And I get more concerned the more it occurs. What have I always told you?”

I paused for a moment. “Never eat before retiring to bed?”

Father laughed. “Good guess, but no.”

“Pet all the dogs you meet on the street?”

“You’re more of a cat person, aren’t you?”

“Get enough sleep?”

“Have you been getting enough sleep? You did mention you were tossing and turning the night before.”

I shift uneasily. There’s a question I didn’t want to answer. I look at my hands, avoiding eye contact, and shake my head. “My head is too loud sometimes. The thoughts I have, whether I’m alone or with family, blind me from reality. It’s like someone plunged me underwater and they’re trying to talk to me—I can’t hear them properly.”

There’s silence for a moment. Oh God, what did I do? This was my fault. I never should’ve opened up. Now he thinks I’ve gone mad. He’s going to call me looney for feeling like this, I know it.

I feel father’s arms pull me in for a hug. Instinctively, I hide away in his chest, safe from this cruel world. What’s this? He isn’t angry with me? “Jack,” says he, “you should’ve told me sooner. I’m not scolding you for bottling such feelings up, but I know that it must be even more frightening thinking you’re enduring this alone—you feel like you’re insane.”

Aren’t I?

“But you’re not insane,” he continues. “You're simply hurting, and everybody hurts once in a while. We all hurt in different ways. Please, Jack, tell us when you need us. We will always be right there to help you.”

I think tears started to leak from my eyes, but I had them screwed too tightly to tell. Father rubbed my back and hushed me, not seeming too alarmed by my state. “That’s all right, Jack. Let everything out. It’s okay to cry if you’re feeling upset.”

At that, I cried harder. I didn’t mean to! It was comforting to know he didn’t dare let go. Eventually, my crying session came to an end, and I pulled away from father to wipe my eyes. “Hey,” says he, “how are you feeling?”

“To tell you the full truth, I'm tired. But I do feel better.”

“Let’s get you to bed then.”

He picked me up—despite my resistance—and carried me to bed. He pulled the blanket over me, pressed a goodnight kiss to my forehead, and smiled at me. “Do you need anything?”

I think for a moment. “A little glass of water, please.”

“Of course. Water is a necessity, drink plenty of water.”

As soon as he left, however, I dozed off. I was utterly exhausted.

[maskydoo-old]

Nightmare Neighbors 6

(I’m writing out scripts for upcoming storytime style youtube videos, and posting what I have here. Note that this is a true story. Feedback is welcome.)

Nightmare Neighbors 6 draft

Imagine the angriest crazies you’ve ever met online. Now imagine they know where you live. Now imagine, they routinely hang around near your house, waiting to catch you outside and alone.

Somehow, my life next to Loony and Toony Feckwad was like living right next to the worst kind of Youtube comments section.

And there’s no simple block function.

Now, I’ve been using the made-up names for these people throughout the telling of this story so far, but during these events, I didn’t actually know these people’s names.

I figured at this point, since I was getting the law involved, I really should find out.

Also, I told my boss about what happened, and he told the higher ups at the company. They decided for security reasons to preemptively ban the two crazies from the premises, and needed names and identifying photos so the guards could deny them entry if they ever showed up at my work.

But. Like. It’s not like I could just ask them their names anymore.

So what can I do?

The obvious option was to do a public records search by looking up their address. I got names… but… I wasn’t entirely 100% totally certain it was really them.

I didn’t know how trustworthy the information on shady-looking public records sites would be, and I didn’t want to accidentally give the police, and eventually the court, the wrong people’s names.

I was especially confused since multiple surnames came up for Loony, and I wasn’t sure if they were different people who happened to have the same first name, or if Loony really did change her surname that many times. (It turned out to be the latter.)

So. To Facebook. I couldn’t find a profile for Toony, but I did find Loony. Good enough, now I could confirm their identities.

That was all I wanted to do. I didn’t care to go through her information, and I certainly didn’t want to contact her. I wanted as little to do with her as possible, which was partly why I waited this long to even find out their names.

I was about to click away when… I noticed something. Right to the top of her profile there were several unhinged posts that were clearly about me.

For starters, she was convinced I was stalking her Facebook, and had been for some time. These posts were deranged rants that were clearly meant to call me out, and included lines like:

“I know you’re reading this, stalker!”

I mean… now I was reading it, but these posts went back weeks, months. What the hell, lady? She thought I cared to see her facebook, but that was the first time I ever looked her up.

She even had one that was taunting me for not getting to have her husband and how she’s a special beautiful wife.

She… just has no grasp on reality at all. Imagine being mercilessly harassed by crazy people over a situation that only ever existed in their head.  

In her posts, she also ranted about how I was calling her from hidden numbers. Anytime she got a call, it was absolutely me. It MUST have been.

I don’t. I don’t think I have to tell you I obviously never called these people. I’m a millennial. I can barely be bothered to call people I actually like. I order pizza through apps just to avoid speaking to a human.

But that’s not all I was accused of. In a more recent post, she insisted that I had some habit of driving slowly past her house with binoculars.

Ummm…

I live next door to her. I drive in this neighborhood because… I live here. But I funny enough, I don’t drive past her house. I don’t need to. My house is on the corner.

And what would I need binoculars for? Their house is only a few yards from the road. Even if I wanted to watch them… I wouldn’t need binoculars for it. And I would think driving at the same time would be pretty difficult.

I don’t think I even own any binoculars.

And what a weird thing to complain about when they are literally the ones watching me. They watch me from their windows, they stand outside in the dark waiting for me to get home from work. And apparently that’s OK.

Lady. Lady. Lady…. lady. Lady. Do you live in your own little world?

I guess she just assumed that since she was so obsessed with me, I must be obsessed with her.

That’s… that’s not how anything works.

I know in an previous video I called out Toony as a viewer,  

(replay joke)

But that was obviously a JOKE. I don’t expect him to ever actually watch this. And I don’t expect he’d have the self-awareness to recognize himself if he did.

But Loony, Loony really thought I had nothing better to do stalk her, or at leas that’s what she was claiming to think on Facebook for whatever relatives of hers that would see it.

I have no idea why she wrote those things. It could be she was just lying for attention, just making it up out of nothing. For what reason, I have no idea.

Or It could be that she was truly delusional, and genuinely believed her own words. It’s possible she was suffering from very real paranoia.

I think the difference between her paranoia and mine is that I actually did have crazy, hostile neighbors.

Whereas Luna had a neighbor who wanted nothing to do with her. I’d be happy to pretend she didn’t exist. If she and Toony ever quit their nonsense, that would be the end of it.

Yet here she was, pretending it was the other way around.

Now. I don’t really care about the unflattering and untrue things she was saying about me on her page. They were absolutely insane, yes, but were not really harassment like standing around in the dark screaming at me when I get home. It’s her page. She can write what she wants. I don’t have to read it.

What I did care about though were the references she kept making in her rants to the day I’d ‘get what was coming to me.’ She said multiple vague threatening sounding things along those lines in a number of her posts about me.

So, yeah… I was right about this pattern of escalation. This nutjob clearly intended to do me harm eventually. As she said herself, it was only a matter of time.

To make matters worse is her Facebook friends and family believed her, and wanted involved. Maybe they’re similarly crazy people, or maybe they were actually decent folks but, since they only had her crazy words to go on, got a very wrong impression of the actual situation.

Either way, this was really concerning when a number of these people left comment son her rants, offering to come ‘deal with me,’ and asking Loony for my information, my name, where I lived.

Ok, so that angry internet strangers at my house metaphor I used earlier had a strong chance of becoming a lot more real than I thought. There were now strangers volunteering to physically come to my home to physically punish me for things the Feckwads were making up.

This is bad. This is real bad.

I didn’t know what to do. I was completely sickened by what I saw. I knew I never wanted look at her page again. I just wanted to close the page and never think of it again.

But… forgetting what I saw wouldn’t make it go away. The danger still existed.

And now it wasn’t just the neighbors I had to worry about. This witch has and an army of flying monkeys to send at me. Any random stranger on the block could have been with Loony and I had no way of knowing.

At this point in my life, I was already dealing with a lot of problems. And I really, really, really did not need this.

I was now alone most of the year, with my boyfriend away at work in another country. I didn’t really have any friends or family nearby. Not much of a social life to speak of. Even at work I was largely isolated. Being a security guard, I was often the only person in the entire building.

My only regular human contact was decidedly negative, which made me withdraw more.

It was like when you burn your hand, you don’t want to reach out again.

And now even had to worry about random strangers at my door.

As I mentioned before, my work schedule was inhuman. I’d work morning, day, and night shift all within the span of a week. Sometimes, these would be 12-hour shifts with only 8-hours off in between. I never had a consistent sleep times.

And when I tried to sleep, I was kept awake by daytime noises, just the unease of being alone, and by having unstable neighbors who liked to sneak around near my house at night.

The work schedule and lack of sleep weren’t great for my grades. I was, of and on, taking classes full time. Or, I was trying to, but concentration was hard. I ended up getting sick and as a result of everything, failed an important class.

My dog got sick, needing medication multiple times per day. Then my cat got sick, and needed emergency surgery. I’d drag myself half asleep to vet appointments, try to find ways to make medication times fit work hours, setting alarms to wake myself up in the few hours I could sleep to give meds, and worried constantly about how I was going to pay for it all.

I spent most of my time indoors. The construction of our homes was very much not in my favor. The way they were designed, the neighbors could easily see from their windows when I was outside. Their bedroom window had a clear view over my fence and into my back yard. And their kitchen widow could see my driveway, so they always knew when I came or left. If they saw me outside, they’d shout from their windows or even come outside to confront me.

But my windows minded their own business. I couldn’t see their property from inside my house they way they could see mine. So I had no way of knowing if they were out there until I was already out my door. I had no way of avoiding them.

So I just. Stayed inside. I was exhausted anyway.

That garden project I wanted to start? Not happening now that my yard isn’t a relaxing place to be anymore.

My dog wants to play, but she’ll have to settle for chasing the ball inside.

The grass is getting long, but I can only manage a section at a time before I’m interrupted.

Eventually, it got hard to find the motivation to do much of anything at all. I hardly even saw the sun anymore.

I’m not saying that the neighbors alone pushed me to seriously google symptoms of depression. They weren’t that powerful, and I wouldn’t want to give them too much credit. I probably would have been feeling generally pretty low anyway.

But they were an extra source of stress that I did not need on top of everything else, and contributed to making my existing troubles worse.

I mush have looked pretty pathetic. I don’t care much for malls, but I dragged myself to one one day, and I wasn’t even sure why. I guess I just wanted to be away from my house. I bought a pair of pants I didn’t need just to justify the trip. This cashier, I didn’t even know her, came around the corner and hugged me. I didn’t tell her anything, but I guess she just knew I needed it.

I should be able to feel safe in my home, but this was stolen from me. I worried about what might come next. Maybe they’d damage my property. Maybe they’d hurt my dogs. Maybe they’d attack me in my driveway or break into my home. Maybe they’d send a stranger after me.

I couldn’t know.

But what I did know, is that I couldn’t live with this. No. I wouldn't live like this. I refused.

Time for a plan.