#like was this projection? if he could’ve been a father with the man he loved would he have chosen to be

[wildechild3]

Thinking about that short one-off sentence in Maurice where Forster mentions that Maurice would like to be a father. Something about that has been bouncing around in my head all day and my writing hand is itching

[angel-eyes05]

to leave the warmest bed i've ever known

pairing: spiderwoman!reader x miguel o’hara 

summary: after miguel’s fight with miles, you confront him in his office

warnings: this whole thing is basically one big argument there’s SO much angst, implied suicide attempt, HUGE ATSV SPOILERS DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE, im projecting a little in some parts of this ngl (i cried writing a certain section of this, you'll know it when you read it lmao), mentions and descriptions of blood, gore, and death

word count:  4.1k

notes: i watched the movie yesterday…and miguel is on my mind. but i remember reading this namor x reader fanfic after i watched wakanda forever of a similar idea to this and i loved it so this is HEAVILY inspired by that fic, but just make it miguel. i would link it but ngl that was so long ago and i dont remember the author. if i end up finding it again ill put it here. also, just pretend miguel has been doing this whole spider society thing for a couple of years at least, it just needs to work like that for this ik its probably not canon but just roll with it lmao. and yes the title is a taylor swift lyric im so glad you noticed (im so sorry she's in my brain rn with the eras tour)

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The anger boiled up inside your chest as you stormed your way across the lobby. Hundreds of different Spider-Man variants were scattered across the area, some more injured than the others. It sickened you sometimes. How he had so many people under his grasp and just decided to throw some of them at the walls sometimes, not caring how hard they hit the floor because they were all just ammo to him. How despite his denials of it, that’s probably what your role was to him as well. Nothing more than a bullet in his massive machine gun.

You normally tried not to think about it, how his determination towards his goal sometimes meant lack of care for others. But this time he had just gone too far. You always had a soft spot for Miles, watching closely on him whenever Miguel would let you go though scanners of all the different variants. You admired his struggle, but eventual success to taking up the previous Peter’s mantle, and always hated how Miguel talked about him. You knew there was no way Miles could’ve asked for any of this. For the pressures and struggles of being a Spider-Man, for everything causing such a strained relationship with his parents, for the death of his uncle, and for what will be the eventual death of his father. You definitely didn’t.

Ok lets do this one last time. Eh, whatever, there’s probably gonna be 50 other introductions after this one so it doesn’t really matter.

Being Earth-837’s Spider-Man has never been easy. Especially since you were bit when you were only 13 (another reason you sympathized with Miles and Gwen). Your life had followed the order of canon events to a perfect T, your older brother killed in a fight with a robber only two months after you were bit. You tried to overcome the burden of your powers by trying to live as normal of a teenage life as possible, but it was mostly in vain, having to give up multiple friendships and relationships in fear of those you love getting hurt. This was only elevated when your boyfriend Peter was murdered in the crossfire of an encounter with Doc Ock. You didn’t understand. You couldn’t. What you had done to deserve all of this. All you did was just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You wonder sometimes what would happen if someone was in the same place you were when you got bit. If someone else went to the closed down area of that museum and ran into that spider. That stupid spider that ruined your life. Those thoughts slowly started to disappear for a bit. For a few years things were easy. Things seemed like they were finally going in your favor.

You were 25 when it happened. The last canon event. Ever since you were a little girl you hated your mother’s job. Losing nights of sleep over if she would come home or not. She always did though. She was good at her job. Too good though. Good enough to get promoted to police captain, which for who you were, was basically sealing her fate. She saved so many people that day. You were too busy fighting Venom to notice how much collateral damage you were causing in the process. Your mother’s job was to evacuate all the citizens away from the fight. She died shielding a child from incoming debris. A noble way to go. But god was it gruesome. You found her after the fight was over, two metal poles impaling her. One through her stomach and one straight through her face, pools of blood growing bigger below her as she was left there, all the paramedics busy trying to save the heavily injured. You froze when you finally recognized her, unable to at first due to how mutilated her face was from the pole. Suddenly, you were transported back to being a six year old, falling asleep outside the door to your mother’s bedroom so you would know exactly when she would come home. Purposefully falling asleep in her arms so that she couldn’t go anywhere.

When you used the key she had given you to get into her apartment that night, and you slept in her room, desperate to intake anything left of her before she was fully gone. You doused yourself in her perfume so it still felt like she was standing right behind you. You had always loved her smell. The smell of vanilla, curl product, and fancy perfume. They were attached to memories you had of her. Trying on her heels when you were a kid to try and be fancy like her. Smelling her hair in the morning before school to comfort you before she left for work. Despite all of this bringing you comfort, all it really did was cause further denial in your heart. That one day you were gonna hear the keys clacking in the keyhole to your apartment one more time. That’s all you really wanted. You would give everything up in a heartbeat just to hear her police scanner go off one last time. But it wasn’t going to. And it was your fault. Deep down you knew it was. You should’ve done a better job controlling the debris. You had always been a messy fighter, but you didn’t know it was going to mean anything until it was too late. 

How you got up to the top of that building is still a blur to you to this day. But next thing you know, you were looking at the New York City skyline from the very top of the Empire State Building. And at the very edge too. You heard some sounds behind you, but you just decided it was the wind howling from how high up you were. You were just so tired. Everything and everyone you loved was cursed all because of you. And with your mother as the most recent victim, you decided you finally had enough. You took a deep breath, eyes overflowed with water, as you set your foot forward.

Your plummet was interrupted by a sudden contact you felt to your forearm. Shock filled your body as you turned around to look at what had stopped your attempt. The blue hand was massive, nearly wrapping back around onto itself as it held onto you for dear life. You finally looked up at face that the hand belonged to. The mask that covered the massive figure was a strange one. Blue with strange red silhouettes for the eyes. It kind of reminded you of…your own costume? That couldn’t be though there was no way. This must be the afterlife or something. You already jumped and that's why you didn’t remember your way up to the top. This was some kind of creature trying to stop you from jumping down to hell below. His breaths were heavy and loud, almost like he was desperate to stop you. This convinced you that this was real, which caused you to try to escape from his grip. He was stronger than you, and was putting up a huge fight. You were slick though. Once you were out of his hand, you closed your eyes and quickly made your jump. Everything flashed before your eyes. Your brother, Peter, your mom. You were hoping to see them soon. This was very quickly interrupted again when you suddenly stopped falling. Something had attached itself to your stomach. You opened your eyes. A web? This web was much different than yours though. It was glowing a bright, neon orange.

The man was holding onto the end of it tightly with both hands. His mask then disappeared to show his face. His was long, matching how big the rest of his body was, defined cheek bones sticking out. Brown wavy hair slicked back with a few loose strands flying out in the wind. The look of desperation on his face stook out most of all. Why did he care so much? He didn’t know you, and you definitely didn’t know him. “Let me pull you up. Please,” he said to you between shaky pants. You stared at him for a bit before nodding. He slowly pulled you up with the string of his web, each move more careful than the last. As soon as your feet were planted safely back on the roof of the building, he wrapped you up in his massive arms. You appreciated the gesture, but you didn’t return it, still very confused about why he was so concerned. He was so big around your body though, you couldn’t help but feel a little comforted, feeling his still shaky breaths against the hairs of your neck. Soon after, he clicked on some buttons on his neon orange watch and led you into a portal.

The rest is history. You’re grateful he found you that day. It allowed you to meet so many people, Peter B., Jess, Gwen, Hobie, Ben, Pavitr, Margo. They all related to you and you felt like you could share things with them that you couldn’t do with anyone else. You had grown especially close to Peter and Jess, both of them having been in the game for a long time, just like you. They both knew how you felt, having lost so much and growing so tired after so many years. Peter even named you as Mayday’s godmother when she was born, a gesture that caused you to nearly kill him with your hug. Miguel though was different. He wasn’t nearly as social as the rest of your friends, but you found yourself having much more intimate moments with him (in more ways then one). You eventually found out why Miguel was so concerned for you the day you met. He had taken interest in your abilities early into looking for variants for his little “project”, but refrained from roping you into something so dangerous while you were still in your teens.

Once you were old enough though, he started paying more and more attention, hoping to catch you in a fight and recruit you then. But he was always pulled away with more important duties to attend to. That was until he witnessed your canon event. He had seen it happen so many times before through his scanners. It was going to happen. It had to in order for your universe to not collapse in on itself. But for some reason, yours hurt more than the rest to him. Especially how you coped with it. Seeing you wrap yourself up in her blankets and clothes broke his heart. He knew where this would lead to. That’s why he was there that day. To save you. He had to, or he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. You got your own watch immediately, along with your own room in the Spider Society headquarters. He stayed close with you for the first month of you being a member of the team. When he wasn’t out on missions, he was with you. You didn’t really know what to label you two as, but whatever was going on, you liked it. And he did too.

That is until Miles came into the picture. Once Miles was bit, all hell broke loose for Miguel. He was always in some alternate dimension catching some Spider-Man villain who got out and rangled them back over here, falling back over to you more beat up and bruised than the last time. You couldn’t imagine how much stress he was under, the fate of the entire multiverse up to him. You had some ways of helping him relieve his stress, but you wish you could convince him that he wasn’t alone in this. But nothing ever got through to him. He had become distant, aloof even. You tried bringing it up to Jess every so often, but she would just brush it off.

“That’s how he’s always been.” Not to you he hasn’t. This week has been hell though. With Spot making it over to Miles, Miguel had been going into rages all week. You had put up with it for now, but that was all about to stop. Watching how harsh he was being on Miles, throwing so many Spider-Men at an innocent boy, risking all of their lives in the process. Disregarding everything Gwen and Peter were feeling and then throwing Gwen back into her broken world with nothing. He had gone too far. No one else was going to stand up to him about it, so you knew it had to be you. Maybe he would listen, maybe he wouldn’t. It didn’t really matter. He just needed to hear it.

“It’s not worth it you know.” The voice snapped you out of your thoughts, stopping you in your tracks. “You know how stubborn he gets over these things,” said Jess, trying to convince you to save your breath. “I don’t care. I have to at least try,” you responded, monotonically. “I just don’t understand how you can follow him so blindly and not see what he’s doing is wrong.” “Because he isn’t wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not just gonna stand by and let some kid’s stupid decisions destroy another Earth,” Jess argued. “He’s just trying to save his dad, I can’t understand how that makes him such a bad person,” you said, finally turning around to face her, shocked when she was closer to you than expected.

“You know exactly why. Don’t be so naive, y/n,” she shot back. “You can’t stop me,” you said staring straight into her. She shrugged. “Then I can’t help you.” She began to walk away. You did to, until you heard her say. “You don’t know how much he cares for you.” You turned around to face her again, but her back was still to you, her head tilted ever so slightly to look at you. “If you really do care for the kid, watch what you say to Miguel right now. Cause you might just give him the final push he needs to do what needs to be done.” You didn’t give her a response, and just simply kept walking. You felt Jess’ eyes on your back as you entered the elevator to get up to Miguel’s office.

The elevator ride up felt longer than it should’ve, as you tried to gather all of your thoughts and emotions together so even if he didn’t listen, your words would still stick with him in some way. You didn’t necessarily want to hurt him (though your fists were telling you otherwise), but you did want him to be aware of what he’s done. Once the doors finally opened, all of that work flew out the window as rage took over your body again, seeing Miguel up there looking at the scanners. The fact that he looked just as normal as he always does made you furious. It’s like nothing happened.

“You know, I could hear you coming in from the lobby,” he said, almost stopping you in your tracks. You hated when he did that. Claiming that he knew what your every move was going to be. Like you were under his control or something. “Yeah, well then you must’ve heard me talking to Jess, which means you know exactly what this is about,” you shot back, stopping to where you could see him perched up there. “Why don’t you just save me the conversation about morality and just come up here and kick my ass already. It’ll save both of us time,” he said, not even taking his eyes off the scanners to look down at you. This only added to your fury. “That’s not what I’m here for Miguel, so don’t you dare try to twist my words here. What you did to that kid was fucked up and you know it.” “Oh yeah, then why didn’t you try to do anything to stop me?” he questioned.

“Because I’m not stupid Miguel. I’m not gonna try to take down hundreds of Spider-Men at once.” “Oh, cause you’re so much better than that?” This wasn’t like him at all. That gentle, kind, and caring Miguel you once knew was gone, taken over by some sort of personal vendetta he had against Miles. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this all needs to stop before it gets taken too far. You’re getting into a fight you can’t win. That kid’s strong and so are his allies. And if you go any further into this, I won’t be here to help you.” He stayed still and only turned his head to look at you. “And what makes you think that you’re so important to my plan that it’ll fall apart if you leave? Have you really become that pretentious?”

Your body froze. Have I really? No no no, that’s exactly what he wants. If you begin to doubt yourself now, you’ll stay and nothing will change. You knew you were right. He was trying to crumble you down, but you wouldn’t let that happen. “And you really think that one kid is going to ruin something that you’ve been working for for years? How insecure you’ve become.” “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, turning back away from you. You did the same, wiping off your face in anger. “I hate it when you do tha-,” you said as you turned back around, but were cut off to find Miguel standing there right in front of you. He was close. Too close to your liking, although in any other circumstance you would’ve found this attractive.

He tilted his head up, but his eyes were down staring daggers into yours. You hated how much he tried to make himself seem more superior to you. “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he repeated, this time slower as if you were a child. “He’s just a kid Miguel,” you said in a low, quiet voice. “An anomaly. And a dangerous one at that.” “God Miguel, all he wants to do is protect his dad, do you know how insane you sound right now?” you said letting out a slight laugh when you finished. You backed away from him a little. “He doesn’t know how much damage he’ll do with this. Saving his father will only prolong the inevitable. His world will be gone within hours if he does this. All I’m trying to do is make him understand,” he tried to explain. “By trying to kill him.” “You always have to exaggerate the situation,” he said palming his face. “But that’s essentially what you’re trying to do isn’t it? Why not snuff out the problem entirely by taking him out!”

He signed and began to walk away while you were talking, bringing up your anger even more. “Yeah, use all the power you’ve accumulated over the years and just take out the small problem! Except this isn’t just a fly on the wall Miguel. This is a child! An innocent boy who didn’t ask for any of this to happen to him, just like how we didn’t. I get it, I’m sorry that this job is stressful, I really am. But that gives you zero right to act the way you are!” You were screaming at him at this point. You didn’t want to. You didn’t want your emotions to get the best of you. But he was being too stubborn. This was the only way you thought you could get to him. You might not have wanted to, but you needed to hurt him now. It was the only way.

“You can’t be so power blind that you refused to accept the fact that there could be a way around Captain Davis’ death. You said we saved Earth’s before, I’m sure we could do it again.” Your anger only kept rising when he kept walking away and didn’t respond. “This is a personal thing isn’t it?” you asked calmly. You knew it was working now when he stopped walking. “Yeah, it it. You won’t let Miles get his happy ending. Because why should he be pardoned of his burden while the rest of us have suffered so much. While you’ve suffered so much.” The answer to your question was confirmed when Miguel stayed silent. “Just because you didn’t get the life you wanted Miguel, doesn’t mean you have the right to stop other people from getting theirs.”

You knew you overstepped the line when Miguel turned around and started walking towards you, fury burning in his crimson eyes. “Yeah, so what! What if that is what this is all about! You should know better than anyone how much this job takes away from you!” he screamed at you, backing you up into a wall. “Why should he get to be let off so easily, while people like you and me have to suffer so much? Don’t try to turn me into the villain here when I know you’re thinking the exact same thing, y/n.” He wasn’t entirely wrong. You had wondered it at some points. “I won’t let you turn this onto me Miguel, this is about you,” you fired back. “Oh no, you’re not getting off that easily. I know you’re thinking it. And you’re right. Why should Miles get let off so easily when you’ve lost so much.” He held your hands in his, trying to connect to you. “And you have mi vida. You’ve had so much taken from you and it’s unfair. Why should he only have lost one person when you’ve had three taken from you. Your brother, Peter, your moth-.”

He was cut off by your hand striking against his face in a harsh blow. “If you’re smart, and I know you are, you’ll keep those three out of them. I won’t let you drag their names through the dirt for something as stupid as this.” You both stood there for a while, both of your eyes looking towards the ground, hoping it would open up to swallow you both as an escape from this god awful conversation. You never wanted it to come to this. In all honesty, you cared for Miguel. You might’ve even loved him, if you were even capable of doing such a thing. You hoped he felt the same way about you, but in a job like this, he always had at least one wall up around you. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. You were too tired to keep trying for something that was most likely going to fall apart in the end. 

“You’re still going after him aren’t you?” you asked, finally breaking the silence. Miguel looked back up at you. “You can’t ask me not to. You know better than anyone why this is so important to me.” He moved his hand up to cup your cheek and kissed your forehead gently. You let it sit there for a minute out of habit before pushing it off your face. “And you must know why I can’t stay anymore then.” His shoulders dropped. “Whatever this thing between us is. It’s over. I can’t stay beside someone who can’t see what he’s doing is wrong.” Miguel’s dropped hand turned into a fist of anger. “Fine,” he spat in your face. “I don’t need someone like you in my way. You’re just a liability to this anyways.” He began to walk away from you back to his scanners. “Just don’t come crying back over to me when your little plan doesn’t work out, cause I won’t help you.” He used his webs to pull himself back up to the platform to keep looking for Miles. You stood there for a second, gathering yourself.

Five years. Out the door just like that. It bewildered you how easily a bond like you two had could be broken all because of one teenager. You began to make your way for the door before you said. “When this is all over…don’t try to find me.” He didn’t respond. Once the elevator doors opened, you rushed inside, desperate to get away from him. So many thoughts rushed through your head as the doors closed and you sunk down back to the lobby to leave. You didn’t have much of a plan. This could end up being a horrible idea. Your gut told you it was the right thing to do though. And that was enough for you. You walked out of the headquarters lobby with a new heart and a new mind, ready to take action for your new plan.

First though, you had to find Gwen.

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a/n: god that took longer than it should've. dw dw i'll do a part 2 if enough people ask for one. im not 100% sure how im gonna do a part 2 cause yk....idk how beyond the spiderverse is gonna go so tbh, we're just gonna make it go the way i want lmao. thanks for reading, ik this was kind of a long one lmao

NEXT CHAPTER

[rystiel]

what’s kinda crazy is that, had filbrick been a better father and raised them in a loving home, the twins probably could’ve actually made a lot of money for the family… stan was never accommodated for while growing up so he never got to demonstrate his smarts (and he is very smart, he taught himself advanced math and shit while building a long-lasting business from scratch, man), and instead he was made to feel more and more worthless, like he had nothing to contribute to the world—the only purpose he was able to find was to always be there for his brother. what was he if he didn’t have a brother to be there for anymore? of course he would eventually lash out over losing ford (and accidentally ruin ford’s project in the process). on the other hand, ford had so much pressure on him that he pushed himself too hard to prove just how smart he was. to prove that he was the best. he needed to hear how smart he was, because what was he if he wasn’t a genius? of course bill’s manipulation worked on him. of course he wanted to make something that could change the world despite the potentially dangerous nature of it, something that would put his name in the history books. his only value was to bring success to his family, and this was how he was going to do it. if stan had been encouraged and supported, he could have used his skills to find success. if ford hadn’t been put under so much pressure, he wouldn’t have needed to turn to a literal demon so he could prove himself. he could’ve focused on the other groundbreaking research he already had in gravity falls. stan probably never would have broken that project in the first place and ford would’ve made it to his dream school, just like filbrick wanted.

[joelslastofus]

[SUMMARY: Secretly in love with Joel, you have been helping Joel raise Sarah until her mother comes back around and becomes jealous of the relationship you have with Joel.]

Angst fluff

Note: sorry if your name is Cindy, couldn’t think of a name for Sarah’s mother lol

It had been a few years now since you had been babysitting Sarah, a few years now since a simple crush on her father turned into feelings deeper than you could comprehend. Joel Miller was always a respectful man, appreciative of your time and help in being there for his daughter. Sarah and you did have a close bond, one that he watched grow before his eyes until the unexpected happened..

A little over a month ago, Sarah’s mother Cindy started coming around. It was a surprise to all, especially you. She was nice to you at first but you felt something was off whenever she was around yet you could never put your finger on it.

That evening Joel ordered pizza for everyone, you had just finished Sarah with a project as her mother spoke to Joel in the kitchen.

“I love a good Hawaiian pizza,” Cindy reached for one of the two slices in the box that were Hawaiian before Joel unexpectedly stopped her.

“Uh, actually those are for y/n-“ you happened to walk into the kitchen at this very awkward moment. Cindy raising a brow at Joel in obvious disapproval.

“It’s her favorite pizza, whenever I order I always get those two for her”

“Oh, isn’t that cute” Cindy spoke sarcastically.

“You can have one, I don’t mind” you quickly interjected.

“No, I’d rather not” she grabbed another plain slice from the box and sat down at the table as Sarah looked at you uncomfortably. Trying to ignore the obvious tension you grabbed your slice and sat down as Sarah sat beside you.

Joel quickly changed the subject talking about how nice the weather would be that weekend and going to the park.

“Ready to lose another game of volleyball, dad?” Sarah teased her father.

“Oh you’re beating him now at sports?” Cindy asked with curiosity.

“No, y/n actually beats him at everything-“

“Hey, hey, don’t let it get to her head, I let her win” Joel winked at you as you and Sarah laughed. None of you noticing Cindy’s expression looking back and forth between you and Joel. Jealousy oozing from her as she watched just how well you clicked with Sarah and especially Joel. Cindy may have been gone for some time but now she was back and she didn’t want anyone taking her place.

“You two sure have become close huh?” Cindy asked referring to you and Joel.

“Yeah, it’s been a few years now-“

“People must think you two are a couple” she interrupted making Joel practically choke on his drink.

“Oh no” you quickly responded with a shake of your head, you could feel the warmth on your cheeks from slight embarrassment. Of course secretly you fantasized about being Joels girl but you knew that would never happen.

Your feelings for Joel always remained hidden.

“Could’ve fooled me” Cindy uttered under her breath. Her attitude started to make you slightly uncomfortable you felt it was best to leave.

“I should go”

“Already? I thought you were gonna watch a movie with us like we usually do?” Sarah showed disappointment in you having to leave, only irritating Cindy more.

“Maybe another time, I’m a little tired and I have a slight headache-“

“You alright, I’ll give ya a ride home” Joel stood up as Cindy rolled her eyes, something you only seemed to catch.

“No-uh..it’s okay. Maybe air is what I need” you stood up and pushed your chair in. Sarah sighed before giving you a hug. Joel knew you for some time now, so he knew when something wasn’t exactly right with you yet he didn’t mention it in front of anyone.

“Let me walk you to the door at least” he insisted. You smiled and agreed before walking to the front door, Cindy watching with the corner of her eye as Joel held the door open with his foot while standing outside with you.

“Hey” Joel’s voice making you stop and turn.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, I just figure I’d leave you three alone. I’m sure she wants her time with you and Sarah-“

“Her time don’t take away from yours, you know how much Sarah cares about you-“ a slight hesitation in his eyes. He knew Sarah wasn’t the only one who cared.

“Yeah” you responded softly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow” you smiled before walking off.

When Joel returned inside Sarah sat on the couch watching tv while Cindy began picking up the dinner table.

“You’ve let Sarah get too close to that damn girl,” she spoke without looking up at him, she knew he wouldn’t like what she had to say.

“She’s been great with Sarah for a few years now, she’s a lot of the reason why our daughter is the way she is now.” Cindy laughed sarcastically.

“Oh please Joel, what are you fucking her? Is that why you’re so defensive with her?”

“When Sarah needed a mother y/n was there, she helped us both-“

“I’m her mother” Cindy grew serious rather quickly as she slammed the plate down. Sarah looking up from the living room wondering what her mother was getting upset about.

“She is all Sarah knows and she’s grown to…she’s grown to love her” Joel explained. Cindy knew she needed to compose herself to get Joel’s attention and so she took a deep breath and tried expressing herself another way.

“It’s not healthy confusing her like that, I was gone for a while but I’m here and I’m here to stay. She doesn’t need another mother” Joel stood silent.

“Sarah has grown attached to someone who will eventually have her own children, her own life, what are you doing by allowing this attachment with some random woman?” Joel brushed his hand over his facial hair, he didn’t like what was being said but a part of him knew she was right.

“I’ll have a talk with her tomorrow” Cindy could tell Joel wasn’t happy with this decision but she was happy to get her way.

The next morning you worked your early shift at the store before getting ready to meet with Joel and Sarah until you got a strange text.

“Change of plans, call you later” you read out loud. Joel never changed plans with you, much less like this.

The day went on and you never got a call from Joel and so you decided to head to the park anyway, you enjoyed a nice walk in the evening. Once you got there you could hear familiar laughter until a volleyball rolled by your foot.

“Oh hey! I thought my dad said you worked late today?” Sarah ran towards you out of breath.

“I-“

“Sarah don’t delay the game!” Joel yelled out to her as he made his way to where you both stood. Cindy stood on the other end silently watching.

“Go on, honey. Keep playing with your mother” Sarah looked at you both strangely before grabbing the ball and walking off.

“You didn’t have to lie to me, Joel or lie to her” you whispered as he looked behind him making sure Sarah wasn’t near by.

“You don’t tell me what I do with my daughter” he spoke coldly turning back to you, Joel had never spoken to you this way before.

“Joel-“

“It was nice while it lasted but ya shouldn’t come around anymore” his tone was blunt, a knife to your heart. It hurt him almost as much as it hurt you, but he felt this way was the only way to truly keep you away.

“For Sarah’s own good” he continued.

You had no words. From one day to the next Joel changed in a way you never expected.

Attempting to speak you felt a knot in your throat and looked away.

“I was right” you whispered before looking up at Cindy.

“Well, I hope she stays around this time. Take care” tears building up in your eyes you quickly turned and walked away. A slight glimpse of guilt in Joel’s eyes as you left until Cindy called out for him. She noticed how he looked back at you as you left, she knew this hurt him, she knew this would hurt Sarah.

“Why’d she leave? She could’ve played this last game with us” Sarah asked with confusion.

“She had to go, honey”

“But she just walked in”

“Sarah, forget about that damn woman. She’s no one to you” Cindy suddenly spoke harshly making Joel look back at her.

“Cindy”

“What Joel? It’s better you just tell her the truth-“

“You told her to leave, dad?” Sarah frustratedly threw the ball the floor and walked out to the truck no longer wanting to play.

“Thanks, thanks a lot” Joel turned to Cindy who rolled her eyes.

“You gotta do something about that bratty behavior of hers” her mother responded to Joel who now looked defensive.

“Sarah’s never had a behavior problem…until now”

“Oh so it’s my fault? Not that bitch-“

“Hey” Joel yelled rather loudly making a few people close by look at him, his defensive demeanor over you only pissing her off more. Cindy sucked her teeth and walked away.

The next few days Joel noticed a very different change in Sarah’s attitude towards her mother yet she wouldn’t tell him a word.

One day while Joel was at work Cindy forgot Sarah was getting home from school early. Going into Joel’s room she looked through his drawers for whatever she could find before ultimately coming across his emergency cash. Grabbing the cash she stashed it in her bra before Sarah entered the room startling her.

“Mom-what are you doing?” Sarah asked as Cindy quickly stood up awkwardly.

“Oh nothing, I’ll put it back by the end of the week. He’ll never know-“

“But dads been saving that for a while now and-“

“I said I’d put it back” she responded with more aggression in her tone.

“I..I just don’t think you should take it without asking at least” Sarah insisted.

“Listen I am your mother, it’s not the other way around now mind your business and go to your room” Cindy walked past her leaving the house angrily. Sarah knew she had to tell her father but afraid he wouldn’t believe her she didn’t say a word.

That evening you were surprised to see a call from Joel’s daughter. You sighed watching the phone ring, feeling guilty not answering until it finally stopped. Passing by a park that was close to your job you looked up and saw Cindy sitting on a bench with a few others, something seemed strange, she hadn’t noticed you watching. You quietly watched as she handed cash to a man while being given a brown bag in return. The man she seemed to be speaking to was known in the neighborhood for drugs but it couldn’t be…there must’ve been a misunderstanding.

During your shift you couldn’t stop thinking about what you saw or the fact that Sarah had been calling you. Lost in your thoughts you weren’t paying attention to much around you until Sarah surprised you by the register.

“Sarah? What are you doing here?! Your father is going to-“

“I was calling you, it’s about my mom. Please I need you to talk to my dad” she looked at you with concerned eyes.

“What about your mom?”

“She’s- she’s stealing from my dad-“

“Sarah you can’t say these things without-“

“I know she is! I saw her take his money but I haven’t told him. I don’t think he’ll believe me” it all made sense now, the money she took from Joel, the drugs you saw her buy…you couldn’t believe it yet you felt it wasn’t your place.

“You know your dad would believe you Sarah…besides, your father doesn’t want me around anymore anyways-“

“It’s her fault! She’s trying to control everything, you think my dad actually wants you gone?!” She practically yelled.

“Alright, ok, ok…um my shift ends in fifteen minutes, wait for me and I’ll go with you.” Sarah sighed in relief waiting for you to accompany her home. Your stomach turning at the thought of how this would go down.

Anxiously beside Sarah you entered her house to find Joel and Cindy both standing by the dinner table.

“Oh of course” Cindy scoffed.

“Where the hell were you?” Joel spoke angrily as you and Sarah hesitantly made your way closer.

“Dad I-“

“She was with that little friend of yours, Joel. I knew this would happen” Cindy sighed, her tone reeking of sarcasm.

“You don’t ever take off without letting me know where you are, you understand?”

Joel stared down at Sarah.

“Or me, you know, your mother” Cindy raised her brows standing beside Joel with her hand on her hip.

“Dad can we talk in private?”

“I thought you’d never ask, I don’t know why you bought her here to begin with” Cindy narrowed her eyes on you.

“Actually, it’s just between my dad and I and…y/n” Cindy’s eyes widened with insult.

“Sarah-“

“No dad, you don’t understand”

“Anything you could say to your father you are to say in front of me, what I say goes” Sarah not noticing Joel look back at Cindy with a look of disapproval. He didn’t like Cindy forcing Sarah to do anything she wasn’t comfortable with.

“Dad she stole your money” Sarah suddenly blurt out taking you by surprise. Joel turned back to Cindy who laughed nervously as you stood silent and watched.

“You’re gonna believe this little twit?”

“Hey” Joel now fully facing Cindy not liking her attitude.

“You watch how you speak of my daughter” he spoke low yet his tone was intense.

“She’s a liar Joel! You’ve let her become brainwashed by this woman!”

“Sarah’s not lying Joel” you suddenly spoke making Joel turn to you.

“What the hell would you know-“ Cindy snapped at you before you cut her off with the truth.

“I saw you at the park today” you hesitated to say more of what you saw especially in front of Sarah but something must’ve clicked in Joel’s head. Turning to Cindy he shook his head, scoffing sarcastically.

“You’re doing it again, aren’t you?” No one knew what Joel was speaking of, no one but Cindy and him.

“I’m not doing anything!” She yelled defensively.

“I let you into my daughter’s life and this is what you do? What is it, ran through your savings so decided to come see what you could get from us-“

“She’s my daughter too” Cindy spoke angrily.

“No. The only mother Sarah’s ever had has been y/n and she’s done a damn good job of it” his words taking you by surprise. You looked over at him in shock, he could feel you looking at him.

“Oh to hell with all of you” Cindy grabbed her bag and angrily walked out loudly slamming the door shut. The three of you stood in silence until Sarah happily turned to you and hugged you with excitement.

“Please don’t ever leave us again” you laughed as she squeezed you. Somehow the true actions of her mother didn’t phase her knowing she had you there. Joel watched with a smile as his daughter hugged you before she turned to him.

“Well aren’t you gonna hug her dad?”

Joel looked at you awkwardly, clearing his throat as Sarah held back a playful smile.

“Course I am” he whispered as he slowly walked towards you. The feel of his arm wrapping around your waist as he gently pulled you in, your heart skipping a beat feeling him so close. Your arms closing around him as you felt him take a deep breath against you before you looked up at him and slowly pulled away.

“Joel I’m so sorry-“

“You don’t have a damn thing to apologize for, darlin’. If anyone should apologize it’s me” he whispered. The door bell ringing Sarah could see it was her uncle and ran to the door.

“I should go-“

“Don’t” Joel unexpectedly grabbed your hand.

There was so much he had to say, so much he needed to say but it couldn’t be done in that moment. Sarah asked if you could tuck her in that night with Joel, it had been a while since you had done so.

“Alright honey, you sleep good tonight alright?” Joel leaned in kissing Sarah on the forehead.

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite” you teased making her laugh before leaning in and kissing her goodnight. Joel watched how much of a natural you were to all of this, you always were. Looking back at Sarah as you left the room you felt Joel’s eyes on you as you closed the door.

“Well, today turned out very different from what I expected” you spoke awkwardly trying to distract from the silence.

“I should’ve known” he cleared his throat leaning back against the wall.

“Wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and in the process coulda hurt Sarah…and I know I hurt you”

“Joel, don’t worry. It’s ok-“

“No, no it ain’t” he quickly interjected.

“I let someone who’s shown me multiple times that they can’t be trusted come in and hurt the woman that’s all along-“ he moved towards you slowly closing the distance between you. You stood still unsure of what to do or if you should do anything at all.

“All along you’ve been everything we’ve needed and more. I’ve seen you make Sarah happy in ways I just can’t”

“Joel, I just love her as if she’s been my own-“

“I love you” he blurt out making your eyes widen.

“W-what? Joel-“

“I’m serious” he pulled you in against him. It took everything in him to admit this, everything in him to tell you what you never thought you would hear.

“All along..it’s been you” his eyes taking in your lips as he spoke. You couldn’t believe the man you had been secretly in love with was saying words you only fantasized him to ever say.

“What a stupid old man I’ve been not realizing what I’ve had right in front of me”

“Joel” you laughed, a smirk on his lips. The man was aching to take your lips with his when Sarah suddenly stepped out of her room.

“Dad” you gasped softly a bit embarrassed yet Joel didn’t let go of you. A smile on Sarah’s face widening with what she saw.

“Yes, honey”

“N-nothing…never mind” Sarah quickly closed the door as Joel laughed looking down at you.

“I think she likes you” he whispered playfully.

“That was embarrassing, Joel” you couldn’t help but laugh, the sound of your laughter only exciting him more.

“Why’d that embarrass you? Not like I was-“

“Like you were what?” You raised a brow before his hand brushed up your body, caressing the side of your neck, he leaned in and kissed you slowly. His lips felt better than what you imagined, his hands taking hold of you in different areas, one arm squeezing you harder against his pelvis before you pushed away with a smile.

“What?” He chuckled.

“Now that would be more embarrassing if Sarah came out during that” you playfully shoved his chest before he pulled you back in for more.

“What if-“ you began to whisper in between kisses.

“What if Cindy-“

“Don’t you worry about Cindy” he unexpectedly grabbed your face leaning his forehead on yours.

“She ain’t gonna be comin’ around trust me, I know the game she plays. Alright?” You nodded placing your hands on his arms. Joel led you the room kissing you more locking the door behind him.

“C’mere, I want some privacy with those lips” he whispered with a smirk before locking the door shut..

[biggest-geo-oogami-enjoyer]

what about all of the tkatb characters reacting to reader having a kid or smt like maybe reader adopted a kid from someone they knew or smt "bad" happened to reader and reader had said kid, how would they react? Srry if your not taking reqs rn or smt like that, but I luv your blog!

Stalwart (All x MC/Reader - Having a Kid HCs)

So...it has been a long fucking time since you've requested this Anon, and oh-my-God am I sorry it took this long. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it, but @deathcvltcivilofficial? Thank you for entrusting me with this.

Also, if anyone who reads this has been abused or assaulted, you've still got worth. You still matter, even if your culture or religion dictates otherwise. <3

TW: A lot of mentions of RAPE and SEXUAL ASSAULT!

- Signed by biggest-geo-oogami-enjoyer

Stalwart: loyal, reliable, and hard-working.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Sol came to your home (because of the art project), you had warned him a child would be present, but he assumed you were babysitting.

Until you dropped the bombshell on him; that the adorable midget copy of you happens to be your child.

He would be livid deep inside. You have a child, a biological child?

He’ll immediately want to know who the mother/father of it is; and you bet he’s gonna find out.

If you have a child, it means someone got their disgusting hands on you, used you and was trying to trap you! He can’t have that, no no no.

Will be doing a lot more stalk- I mean *coughs* reconnaissance, y’know, to find out who this filthy pestilence was.

Emphasis on ‘was’. That person is going to poof from existence before the next morn.

Will be incredibly enthusiastic if you offer to have him meet your spawnling. He’d treat them like they’re a glass vase, he literally loves that child.

Would be intrigued as to how it was conceived, and, well, depending on your response, will make the murder way more deranged.

If you’re both dating (you will be), he will be incredibly cautious on how to push the subject forth, because he has all intent on marrying you (and painting your holes with his seed).

If said conceiving occurred on accident, say you both were drunk, he’d be annoyed. Less info on this other person, the worse.

If the sex was entirely consensual, he would be silently fuming. You had been with another. Someone who wasn’t him. And they dared to have sex with someone as hallowed as you? My guy will be itching to punch something.

If you end up having a more angry or avoidant response, or snapping at him about it; he’ll suspect something is wrong, probably won’t pry much further for now, he believes through time and trusts you’ll tell him…he hopes.

He’ll do digging afterwards, maybe even get closer to your child, and if your child spills the beans on how you never talk about their mother/father, and even get furious or upset for asking, he’ll become a lot more concerned. His mind will be thoroughly searching for a reason.

Until the day you start to crack…when you start to hint more and more towards the most horrific thing Sol could’ve ever thought of, something he would rather kill himself than even dare to think of.

If your child had been conceived under…well, if you’d been abused. Assaulted. Raped.

Sol didn’t want to believe it. Some sick, disgusting worm had…no. He knows if he thinks about it he’ll descend into a wrath-filled hysteria., and he can’t have that around you, or God forbid, the child.

All he can think of is how desperately he wants to find the (wo)man who did this and torture them in the most despicable, horrific ways imaginable.

If anything, his respect for you, for being able to cope with university and a child would be a massive toll mentally.

He doesn’t view you in a different light, or your child for that matter. It only means he’ll do the absolute best to aid you in any way possible.

Is willing to overcome his distaste of kids for your child (everything has exceptions). Would be trying to be seen as a father figure to it (although he’d much prefer if you called him daddy-).

Won’t push you into anything sexual, or anything extremely physical unless he’s:

A got explicit consent, and 

B. the knowledge that you’re not opposed to it in the first place.

He’s 110% gonna try to have a good relationship with your child, partially for…familial reasons (especially if he's gonna be their step-father and your step-ladder) and also so that your child will be okay with his existence, after all, him being with you also depends on whether your child actually likes him or not.

Man is trying his absolute best for you, no matter what occurred with you and your miniature clone. <33       

Hyugo would’ve probably heard from the Student Council that a couple students had children, so of course one day he’d find himself getting curious.

Will be pretty shocked when he sees you’re one of them, especially if he already knew you for a while.

Won’t really be opposed to it, he only detests extremely loud, spoiled kids. (You raise your kids well guys good job *insert vigorous HAND clapping*).

Will be curious when he realises you’re a single parent, won’t pry though, it’s not his business. Maybe you simply fucked around and found out. *shrug*

Depending on how closed off you are about the topic of your child, he will eventually start finding out details, either from you or just piecing information together from off hand comments.

Either way, somehow he gets into your home and there, in the corner of the living room, is a spitting image of you. Just…smaller. 

Said child side-eyes him harder than Geo could dream of. To be fair, this child does kinda remind him of a young Geo, especially in personality.

After being acquainted with you both for a while, will offer the Small One candy (with permission from you obviously and no, not in a white van).

Small One is very on the fence about him, is judging his fashion sense very harshly the whole time.

The child called him a walking aquarium when he first showed up btw.

If he finds out (either from you or said child) that you were sexually assaulted or raped? He’ll be angry, but also proud that you were able to:

A. Keep the child and raise it.

B. Actually somewhat live your life.

Doesn’t lose respect for you at all, just tries to make it clear that he’ll support you in any way possible. 

If you know the person who assaulted you, they’ll be subjected to Hyugo Sugimoto’s vigilantism. You, on the other hand, will be subject to Hyugo committing crime to try and aid you and the child in any way possible. 

Geo resents children with a vehemence, he sees them as stupid and overly sensitive; mans just avoids them like the plague.

He’s known you well enough to establish that you’re not an annoying dumpster fire, and has come to the conclusion that you’re a somewhat tolerable person to be around.

Will hear (either from Brittney or Hyugo) that there are rumours about how you have a child, and he won’t believe them at all.

Until you confirm them, that is. Then he will simply be discombobulated.

Will feel a weird sense of disgust around you. (probably from his own daddy issues lmfao, my guy will think you’re like his parents subconsciously).

Anyway, after he ‘happens’ upon you and your kid one day, and sees how oddly kind you are as a parent; he’ll start to see you in a different light.

It might be a long while (it takes about 32 decades), but eventually he’ll become more curious about your descendant.

If you’re comfortable enough with telling him, you just state how you either had a fling or just broke up with a previous partner; he will be unsurprised, but a tad irked. (he thinks he’s way better smh how dare you MC)

If your child was conceived via…unpleasant means, he will be apathetic for a few mins, until it hits him one day that some sick person willingly, consciously violated you. It ends up making his blood fucking boil.

He will be the type to drop random spouts of blunt affirmations like; “You are competent, good job.”

Will end up being very awkward with the child, has no clue how to interact with one so he just offers them money and tells them to go play in an arcade or some shit while he watches and deathstares random people.

Will teach said child Japanese insults, if your child gets bullied for being a product of nonconsensual sex, he will teach the child how to punch people.

He tries his best, because your child is the only one he will tolerate; and also he needs them to like him so he can rizz you up by forgetting you exist lmfao.

Deryl is often seen as an uncle or big brother by a lot of kids, his warm exterior tends to make a lot of them really like him, and to be fair, he doesn’t mind kids that much either.

He’s known you for a while, and in all the time he’s known you, he’d have *never* guessed that you were a parent.

Let alone a single parent. Your grades are so high, you work your ass off and you’re a parent? Simultaneously?!

He’ll be genuinely awed, impressed as well.

Will definitely be curious about this child of yours, but won’t pry except its something you initiate.

If he ever meets this child of yours, he will end up  being adored by them. This guy is actually extremely good with kids.

Will end up becoming closer with you as well due to this, and if he finds out this child of yours was a product of abuse or assault, he’ll just be…solemn.

And seeing Deryl solemn is like seeing a cat bark, shit’s fucking weird.

He will be angry that someone did such a vile thing to you, but if you’ve moved on, he’ll try to as well. Although, if you know who it was that did this…expect them to end up hospitalised.

Him and the child will bond over candy. You and him bond over knowing one another. 

Also teaches the child how to play sports. Yippee. Also gives life advice and counselling. <3

And you eventually trust him enough to accept him fully into your life (and maybe heart who knows).

Crowe is quite fond of kids, he’s not someone who avoids them.

He’s also quite fond of you, although his interest in you is more…well, romantic. 

He’s genuinely interested in you, so he wants to know more about you; and fortunately for him, he's known you for a while. You opening up to him (and vice versa) isn’t that new, although when it happens he embraces it wholeheartedly.

When you tell him you have a kid, he’s shooketh, but not upset in any way.

Would be a smidge jealous that someone had you before him, but oh well.

Would be very intrigued by this enigma that is the child, and when he eventually meets them, he tries to be nice (not over the top, just polite).

If he wants to be with you he has to get the child to like him, so he just acts naturally, which is him being a saint, and just overall serving as a source of aid for both of you, whether it be financial, educational or general. He’ll try his best.

He’s willing to help you in any way humanly possible, and I mean it. He goes all out. He also tutors the child if they need help with exams or homework.

If your child was conceived under force or against your will, he’d simply make himself an emotional backbone for you. He doesn’t pity you, but he does try to treat you a bit softer, for the sake of trying to make you feel more comfortable around him; he understands such an event is traumatic and quite detrimental psychologically.

If you’ve moved on and gotten therapy or aid, he will remain a source of support, my guy will just ensure to avoid sexual things around you, he doesn’t want to push any of your boundaries or upset you in any way, shape, or form.

He’s trying guys. <3

Brittney is actually really good with kids, which shocks a few people.

Not as shocked as when she hears you of all people are a parent, although, now that she knows, she can kinda see it.

Won’t really think much differently of you, although if she meets this kid she does become their rich single aunt eventually.

My girl will teach our spawnling about:

- Fashion, along with judging other people’s clothing styles;

- Skincare routines, depending on the age she’ll either recommend the bare minimum or just give a couple of things she uses;

- Makeup, won’t care whether it's a son or daughter, they’ll learn cosmetics;

- Boxing, girlypop can definitely fight, so she’ll teach your kid self defense and emotionally damaging insults to scare off bullies.

Will be willing to babysit for you, your child ends up becoming very fond of her and the two just tend to go to Zara or Myer and discuss what clothes are good (more based on fashion the older your kid is).

She’ll do your child’s hair (and yours as well dwdw you both have your own beauty sessions).

Also serves as a gossip generator, along with a pretty strongly morally-coded source of comfort for both of you. Tries her best when possible to be there.

If she finds out the child is a product of rape, she’ll only look at you as someone much stronger and resilient than she could’ve guessed. You stuck through something like that, and she can’t say much other than: “You’re safe now, you’re among friends.”

Will often use distractions as a way to try and ease your mind.

Is genuinely a great person to be around, and when she has the time and energy, she’s lovely to both you and the child (it’ll be her stepchild soon muahahhahahaah).

Jess honestly would gawk at the thought of anyone in her friend group being a parent. You’re all so young and just experiencing life for yourselves!

When she finds out you have a kid, she’ill be astonished, will blink a couple of times and then repeatedly confirm that you’re actually a parent and not kidding.

You looked too fresh and epic, especially for a single parent. Her ones always looked drained and half-dead, yet you were hopeful, lively, regal.

May or may not be terrified that your kid is a menace and will stab her-.

It’s okay she gets over it, she believes that if you’re as excellent as you are, your kid will be similar.

And she’s partially right, your kid is based af; although, like most kids, they are a menace.

They don’t trust her much at first, but overtime they both form a genuine camaraderie.

And it’s wonderful. They both recommend each other fanfiction (this is if your kid is a teen dwdw).

Otherwise they just watch anime and listen to K-pop.

If your kid was a product of…well, rape, Jess’d just be mortified.

Horrified, even. The fact you went through that, had your child, still chose to study and work…she’s a bit astounded that you were able to take on so much.

Would try her best to use her money to help, whether that be groceries or buying things for your kid. She’d try her very best to formulate a bond between them and you. <3

[naturegirl555]

Ranting about supernatural because I hate this show so so much (I’m so so obsessed with it to the point where it’s concerning) and I’m on season 6 episode 20 “the man who would be king” and can I just say how incredibly annoying the boys are! Like can you maybe hear cas out maybe! His reasons for doing these things aren’t malicious or demonic. He is fighting a war in heaven which they couldn’t give to shits about and now they are gonna be mad because he was MANIPULATED by crowley (I love the man but still) like can they use their brains for one moment. And I feel this may come off like I hate Sam and dean and I do not in any way they are very complex characters with trauma and trust issues but cas has done everything for them. He was trying to save them. He didn’t know the outcome. Like Sam and dean have never made a mistake before. Because I remember a couple seasons ago where Sam was going crazy gorging on demon blood because he thought he could do good with that power! So why be so hypocritical and get mad at cas in the way they did. And can we just talk about how broken cas looked when they trapped him in the holy fire! Like Sam said to him did you bring me back without a soul on purpose and his eyes god! Like in what world would castiel who saved you both from hell do that purposely! It was already hard enough to save dean it was a group project in a way he didn’t have help with Sam! And cas is also doing all of this because he thinks its what god wants. He is so blinded by his faith again because he got brought back to life. He had the idea that he was brought back for this reason and chuck did absolutely nothing because all he wants is drama and trauma for the collective and not caring about how his kids feel! Castiels faith breaks my heart because no one could understand it. Dean couldn’t and Sam couldn’t. Castiel has been an angel since the beginning it’s not so easy to give up everything you’ve ever known even when you know that it might not be the right thing. Was it easy for dean to see his father the way everyone else saw John. No. So why can’t it be difficult for cas. They truly never give cas a break. And yes I’m a major destiel shipper. But the way dean acts towards cas sometimes makes me so enraged. But this “breakup” dean looked heartbroken. Castiel had lied to him. Him of all people. The man who he had a profound bond with. He just wanted cas to ask for help and cas didn’t because he doesn’t do that. He’s never been not capable before things have never been this difficult for him before. And when you look at what castiel did there was truly nothing wrong with it. He was blinded and manipulated and he didn’t want all of the shit they endured to stop the apocalypse to be for nothing. He didn’t go to dean because he saw dean living a normal life he saw him getting out and he wanted to respect that. How could castiel have known dean wasn’t happy in that life. Castiel isn’t very good with human emotions and his thinking is very black and white while the winchesters have shades of gray thinking. So how is it fair to blame cas for all of it. I’m sorry about this rant i just feel so much about this! Like castiel is my favorite fictional character of all time and I wish I could’ve teleported into the show and been his lawyer because no one would listen to him no one ever does. I love all of them very very much but it would be dumb to think castiel doesn’t deserve better. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk about castiel. It may happen again

[magnus-sm-writes]

WIP Intro: (Demon) Hunting for Love

Genre: queer paranormal romance 

Status: (rough) drafting 

Synopsis: Quincy is a son of Satan, but he’d much rather be stirring up trouble on Earth than struggling to be next in line for his father’s throne. When a demon hunter nearly catches a fellow demon, Quincy sees an opportunity to both be owed a favor by said demon and scare the shit out of a human. But he finds demon hunting with Otto more interesting than it has any right to be, and for the first time, he thinks he might actually trust someone.

Logline: A demon wants to scare the shit out of a human; instead, he falls in love.

Literal Logline: Human makes son of Satan a soft boy.

Vibes: Rainy nights, creaking floorboards, Top 10 Demonic Activity videos, reading Creepypastas late at night when you’re young, the smell of dust, playing with Ouija boards, going to haunted houses, overgrown grass around abandoned buildings, long conversations with your best friend, jean jackets over hoodies, graveyards at night

Inspiration: Buzzfeed Unsolved, CreepCast, Gravity Falls, Good Omens, found footage movies

Tags: Friends to Lovers, First Love, Cuddling for Warmth, Idiots in Love, Paranormal Investigators

Quincy, Devilspawn

(Insta: dragoncuspid)

Despite being a child of Satan, Quincy has little interest in participating in the power struggles and back stabbings in Hell. He wants the upper hand in every situation and gets a bit panicky when he doesn’t have it. Quincy has never had a real friend before.

Otto Jackson

(Insta: delanodeej)

An online demon hunter recovering from a recent “cheating” scandal, Otto is placing a lot of pressure on himself to gain his old following back. He’s determined to find a real demon, this time, not knowing he nearly caught a demon in a previous video. With Quincy by his side, he’s certain he finally has a chance.

Excerpt: 

“Hey, editing Otto. Put in the exact amount of years,” Quincy says. “And throw a party hat on me.”

“Why do I have to put a party hat on you?”

“You’re not editing Otto. But I want to have a party hat because it’s never a bad time to throw a party.” Quincy stretches out his legs. “Anyways, yeah, I’m not discounting our ancestors or whatever. I’m saying that, in a house that’s been empty for a little longer than thirty years—throw in the date of the murder attempt—, it’s kind of a miracle it hasn’t rotted apart by now.”

“It was inhabited until the two-thousands. The family sold it off—”

“Okay, so it’s been abandoned for twenty years. Whoo-hoo, ten less than I originally thought. That’s still a long time without upkeep. It’s like… shit, man, we could’ve fallen through the ceiling.”

(Edit 6.18.24: I updated Otto's face claim since I use Tre Samuels for 2 other projects and even though I think he's really cute, that's a lot of projects.)

[wellcomeoneileen]

PROCESSING QAF POST 3/?

To me, season 4 was totally bearable, because I understood what the writers were aiming for, and simply squinted while I watched and revised in real time. Season 5 was beyond the pale.

An English professor once advised letting current emotion into writing even if it’s not related to the story, that passion can bleed through and you might be able to use it. Speaking ENTIRELY as an armchair psychologist here, I think this season was written with some real…displeasure on the part of the writers, and that was felt by the audience instead of being edited in a more constructive way.

I have done some googling, and this could be true and they were angry at the audience and/or cast and/or state of the world. Or, fans from 20 years ago were just coping like I am today.

However! Please allow me to present some ideas for what they could have done with their plotlines instead of (what I feel like) was repeating plotlines and throwing things at the wall. Angrily. Plenty of these ideas honor what the writers already created or even kinda got at during S5 itself.

This is very Britin oriented, because thinking about The Girls or Em truly sends me into a tizzy from which I cannot articulate useful ideas.

These ideas are rooted in my belief that S5 dropped the thematic ball that they had been steadily building, mostly with Brian, as referenced HERE.

These are pretty broad strokes, will maybe do a more structured/detailed rewriter vision later, with textual evidence.

First big point is if B/J stay together. Honestly, them splitting is a good move on the producers/advertisers side, because shows lose ratings when the main couple  stays together. However, advertising means nothing to the story quality. Let’s discuss both!

Either way, I wouldn’t want any of this to be about monogamy. Like I’ve said, I always thought monogamy was just the stand-in issue in Brian’s life for his deeper inner issues. 

If they break up:

Maybe the dust-up is Justin comes back from Hollywood and Brian is like live with me and let me pay for school again and Justin is like I’m a man now I have to figure this (living situation, no job and no education) out on my own I love you but I need to grow up.

Idk. Not married to that at all.

Then Brian is so hurt that Justin didn’t move in he blows up at the gang at a party and they cold shoulder him. Again, spitballing. Not attached to the idea for the inciting incident! 

For Justin:

Honestly have put less thought into tangible actions and motivations for Justin. That analysis requires more effort because the writers treated him as a plotpoint and mouthpiece instead of a character in S5 so I would need to give some deep thought to how to fix him, and I have only given that to Brian so far. But here’s what I think off the top of my head!

After this start of season dust-up, Justin is living on his own and he’s really processing all of the failed illusions of being an artist. We saw PIFA not go well for Justin. We saw Justin fired from Vangaurd. We saw Ethan have to sell out to be a successful artist. We see the Rage project being shut down for staying true to the source.

All of these are different disappointments with the reality of being a working creative that Justin could’ve been processing as a disillusionment of his love with art. And throughout the season, as he’s determined to make it on his own for the first time, we could see him being sort of resigned to a fate of having a typical day job. Being lucky if it’s in graphic design and maybe doing art as a hobby on the side.

And then I think the Jennifer and Tucker storyline could be really, really integrated into this. I think she could be the one to pull him out of this and say “When I was your age, I loved art but I got married to your father, started having children, and gave my passions up for a safe life. And now I’m a single mom, living on my own dating a hot younger man, and it’s scary and it’s hard and I get judged for it, but I’m finally living the life that I always wanted. I encourage you to do this dangerous thing of being an artist and yes, it’s going to keep being hard but you can do it.” 

And we see this rebirth of Justin as someone who is still incredibly optimistic - he just now has a more mature framework for that trait.

I could see this happening if there’s no B/J breakup to start the season as well, and he’s simply not letting Brian pay for things within their relationship, or something to that effect. Which!! I hope to later discuss their gendered roles and Brian’s internalized homophobia and patriarchal ideals 

For Brian:

Meanwhile, I think Brian line for season five it was actually really well set up for the writers. They just didn’t follow-through! We see in season three just Brian loses one of his most treasured assests: his wealth and career, but he still has his friends. In season four he loses his other most treasured status :His virility, but he still has his loved ones.

I would like season five to have him still be vivacious and for Kinnetik to be as successful as possible, but he no longer has his loved ones around him because of whatever happened at the start of the season (if we go with the breakup).

Brian realizes that his career and his body are not as important to him as his relationships. Or at least is forced to admit the three are equal. And we see him start to really evaluate why he is the way he is. I would love for him to dive deep into his childhood, confront his demons, and end the series by making some decisions for his adult self and not based on childhood trauma..

And then he reflects, reevaluates, and reintegrates everyone into his life through a new lens. This is really about him admitting to accepting and embracing the fact that the people around him deeply matter. Accept Debbie as a mother, Michael as a brother Gus as his son, Lindsay and Mel as dear friends and coparent, etc.

I fully acknowledge these were touched on – but he was still mostly given Justin/monogamy plotlines and emotions which I disagree with

SPECICALLY this could look like

Letting him throw down with Debbie? Because Debbie was his pseudo mom, but she always put Michael first. Which isn’t wrong, he was her actual son, but I could see Brian maybe projecting on her, or maybe pushing her away, or maybe just really re-integrating his role in her life and vice versa. That could have had some drama (for the ratings) since she’s such a fiery character. This could also be the inciting incident if B/J don’t break up.

If his second nephew came out as gay and ran away from Claire to be with his Uncle Brian, that could have mirrored season 1 with Justin, and show how he’s grown and learned since then, and forced him to confront his family history and baggage, stop generational trauma, and allow him to prevail over the ghosts of his upbringing, giving him and the audience a sense of positive closure.

And if it was the first nephew, the same nephew who falsely accused him of molestation, that could be some serious tension, and it could further the Justin S1 mirror by also showing a better version of Chris Hobbs –  a sort of what if Chris Hobbs had admitted he was gay and tried to atone instead of turning violent? 

Lots of full circles!

AND that could have sparked a fight between Brian and Michael as they disagree over dealing with their troublesome teenage runaways, if the writers wanted B/M drama. This could be wrapped into the Debbie drama?

I think having the nephew come, his own demons from his past, him fight with Debbie, then the nephew arc closes out and with this encouragement from his mentor trial period, (and having processed and moved on from his childhood abuse),  he realizes that he wants to be more involved with Gus. He then tries and fails and eventually figures out what kind of father he wants to be, and what kind of co-parent he and Mel/Linds are (God what I would do to have more Brian and Mel scenes), he and Debbie reconcile, and he has an active friendship with Ted, would have been beautiful relationships, excellent tying up, none of it focused on romance and all of it not promoting the nuclear family. I say that because the writers said they wanted to not focus on happy romantic endings, but also focused their show on Britin…so….

I also think this is where you could integrate some of attempting to be monogamous plot lines from the end of season five. Again, I wrote about what I think about that in another post, but without reflecting on that, let’s just use these elements that the writers came up with and obviously wanted.

I think he could’ve been the stereotypical father to Gus when he starts to be a part of his life. He’s teaching him to play ball. He’s starting to be strict with rules. It’s just kind of funny scenes. Likewise, he does the same with Ted - he embraces the fact that Ted is his friend, and he starts being kind and sympathetic, and not a bitch to him.

And in all of these situations he would hear from Lindsey and Ted to just be who he is. They love him. They just want him around. He doesn’t have to be a textbook Father and Friend. And I think that would greatly heal his inner child wound which again is something I’ve talked about elsewhere and as I think the big issue with Brian. But if he is able to accept his life and accept him the way he is, I think that could be a lot of his plot for this season.

I just don’t get why they didn’t allow exploration in his already pre-existing, non-traditional, non-romantic relationships. Good for his character, closure for the audience, gives plenty of conflict, allegedly what the writers wanted to get across with the ending…

 

Being separated from Justin or not, this could work.

And then, at the end of the season,

The two of them have separately reached their thesis statements of who they are. They can face each other, and these will be two characters who saw the potential in one another from the beginning when no one else did, pushed each other to potential throughout the show, and they have themselves embraced that for their own sakes, and they can choose each other for the next chapter of their lives.

Even, dare I say, (and this would be a controversial!) but I think viewers would be more open to them having a thank you for making me who I am, goodbye forever talk if we got that whole season of seeing them make that final big push in their maturation arcs. 

Or it could still be Justin going to New York, but instead of it feeling like this bittersweet hopefully they stay together, instead it’s they’ve reaffirmed their love to one another and are very confidently moving into this next chapter. I think this would change the tone of the ending to be, all these seasons have been the bildungsroman and now we are at a place to really takeoff into the future because our foundation is now so secure.

We could even have another “rules” discussion - but this time it’s like “you won’t pay for anything for me for the next three years.” “You’ll tell me when you start to fall in love for the one millionth time for some out of work actor” “you will say when you’re angry instead of ignoring my calls. You don’t have to say anything else.just don’t ignore me. Tell me. “

Shit like that. Because those were their real problems - not monogamy. Not married to that idea either - it could be way too much telling now showing or it could be a good throwback to their first rules agreement. 

[piosplayhouse]

Do you know why so many people hc Shen Yuan as trans/genderqueer? Some posts in the svsss tag seem to allude to canon instances that inspire the idea, but I've read the 4 volumes twice trying to find clues to what people are talking about to no avail. Is it just a popular fanon thing? Not against people reading it that way, just wondering if I'm missing something.

Hi! I actually got a very similar question a while back but responded to it kind of poorly since I had a lot going on irl so I'll try again with some stuff I said before:

Ultimately it is just popular fanon and lots of subtextual reading- I don't think anyone could fully say gendersomething sqq is 100% intended and canonical, but there definitely are some instances that people tend to point to to support this hc:

Even beyond positioning himself as the “woman” (literary role) in his relationship with the skinner and dream demon arcs etc., sqq repeatedly compares himself and his experiences to women in a very frank way– I believe this is most obvious by his comparison of his pain to period cramps, but there’s also the significance of the Skinner mission featuring a demon which is described as an originally male demon that wears female skins but yearns for another male skin (Shen Qingqiu’s). You could argue this is just a reflection of transphobia in the story but I do think it’s interesting to note that this is sqq’s first mission, and comes during a period of time that he still clearly believes himself to be a man (Shen Yuan) wearing another’s skin (original Shen Qingqiu’s). And of course he continues to project his own feelings onto the female characters around him, which you could argue is due to his literary role becoming that of a female love interest’s, but a point that I find particularly interesting is that he also compares himself to Binghe’s mother completely unprovoked, something that easily (maybe even more easily bc lets be real why the fuck did he say 'Binghe if i was pregnant with you I would never abort you' there are so many other things you could say that arent th) could’ve been substituted for a male comparison for him using Confucian values of the teacher/student relationship relating to that of a father and son. Instead, he becomes the mother. He's a strange little Freudian specimen to be honest. Speaking of which if you would like to read a much more in depth analysis of topics including this with textual evidence I do have to recommend tshirt3000's Freudian reading of Scum Villain which can be found as a pdf here:

I hope this makes a little bit of sense! Tldr yes it's mostly just fandom but so much about scum villain is about gender and toxic masculinity and what does it really mean to be a man in a genre where your masculinity is a tool to attain power for your desperate search for unattainable reciprocated love in a hopeless world where you are promised only shallow sexual comfort to appease horny viewers that would discard you as soon as you begin to feel emotions other than rage. If Shen Yuan was a horse he would be a gelding because the castration mellows their temperament just so

[virgo-mess]

Good Cop, Bad Cop

We have finally made it to part 4 of @karatekels ' request! It's on the longer side because I didn't want to break it into two parts, but I hope you like it, and I appreciate you submitting a request!

TW: Mentions of emotional and verbal abuse towards children, Neglectful Parent, Generational trauma, Arguing, Mild Violence, Smut, oral (female receiving), Confessions, Fluff, Mentions of Police Brutality, Kinks, Cindy Ryan isn't that bad actually sorta kinda, and you might feel a little more sympathy for Cash, man still can't communicate

Chapter 4: Confessions of a Bad Cop with Other Redeeming Qualities and a Kinky Little Minx

🫣

Cash’s Pov

            “Why is having sex with me so damn important to you now, you had so many chances, Cash. I gave you so many chances, you didn’t take any of them and now you decide after twelve years of acting like I don’t exist that I’m good enough for you now. I wasn’t good enough for you to return any one of my calls, I wasn’t good enough for you to ask to prom, you couldn’t even go to a movie with me without disappearing to make out in the lobby with Cindy Ryan and you complained every time we went shopping. Now you just want me to act like everything is okay and that I’m happy you’re finally choosing me now when you’re leaving next week. So, stop acting like you’re trying to make me happy or that you’re trying to make this special for me when we both know it’s never been about me, you don’t care about me. It’s always been about you, Cash. So, if forcing me to sleep with you is what it’s going to take for you to finally stop hurting me then that’s fine. Just get it over with already so I can go home, and you can go back to a happy life free of me” you snapped, turning around to storm back into the bedroom.

Cash let you pull him back into the bedroom, your outburst left his mind and heart feeling incredibly heavy. It was like he was sixteen again, the age where he didn’t know how to act around you anymore, the age where he realized he didn’t just have a crush on you, he was in love with you. He just never figured out how to tell you because you terrified him back then, you still did in a way. You always made him nervous, insecure even, and this prevented him from being as close to you as he wanted to be. He felt this overwhelming need to overcompensate by projecting a confident put together image of himself. He would come to realize that this personality quirk was due in part to what his father expected of him back then.

Cash was always the primary target of his dad’s alcohol induced tirades, he’d get home from school and be hit with an abundance of angry vitriol about his grades, how he was too sensitive, and how he needed to act like a man. Even long after his dad finally went to rehab and deserted their family, Cash carried those words and all the feelings involved with feeling unloved by someone who should love him unconditionally, with him. His dad had reached out to make amends a few times over the last decade apologizing for the things he said and did to him. Confessing that he did those things because his father did them to him and he didn’t realize he was projecting all his unresolved trauma onto to Cash. Until now Cash hadn’t realized he had subsequently done the same to you; he saw you through a lens of fear, rejection, and abandonment and now you saw him the same way.

 “Y/N, slow down would you” Cash muttered as you impatiently tugged him towards the bed. You shot him another one of your intense glares as you moved to lay down on the bed. Cash wasn’t sure how he had convinced himself he’d be okay with doing this if you weren’t willing. He supposed he could’ve been more forthcoming with his intentions going forward from the beginning, you had assumed he was only looking to sleep with you. Given his history of casual flings he could see why you’d assume that, he truthfully only had casual flings because you still held his heart he wasn’t interested in giving any of them the level of love and care he gave you.

“No, I don’t want to drag out the inevitable, so make it quick Ewing” you snarled leaning back onto the unmade bed as you used your free hand to pull your dress up. Cash gently pushed your hand away before you pulled it up all the way, gently pulling it back down into place. You rolled your eyes at him, attempting to pull it back up. He wished he had realized you returned his feelings back then if he had you’d be married by now.

“Stop it Y/N, I don’t actually want it to happen this way, okay. I’m sorry I said I did. I didn’t mean it” he said softly, gently moving your hand away again and pulling the fabric back into place. You rolled your eyes at him again before scoffing.

“Oh, so you just said it for no reason then, right. Got it” you said sarcastically, still laying on your back as you glared up at him. Cash sighed looking down at you with soft eyes, feeling especially vulnerable in your presence for the first time since you were teenagers.

“No, I do have a reason, but it doesn’t excuse me implying I’d enjoy forcing myself on you. So please sit up, Butterfly.” he said reaching down to gently pull you up. You swatted his hand away but moved to sit up on the edge of the bed, Cash took the spot next to you sitting further away than he wanted to. He wasn’t sure if you understood that to his need to touch you and be close to you wasn’t always sexually motivated, he thought he was expressing his affection for you because that’s how he liked receiving affection.

“Why the hell did you say it then” you said dryly, Cash glanced over at you for a moment to see you staring down at the cuff on your wrist. He knew if he took it off you now he’d feel compelled to take you home to avoid having to explain things to you. He had avoided talking about his feelings for you for twelve years and in doing so he left you with the impression he didn’t actually care about you.

“Well, you were making digs at me and I’m not saying I didn’t deserve them. It’s just sometimes it takes me back to when my dad was around, as you know he was really mean when he drank. Yelling at me and criticizing me were his favorite hobbies, I couldn’t do anything right by him it didn’t matter what it was I did it wrong. I cried too much, my grades weren’t good enough, couldn’t accidently knock something over without being called something. So when you said that stuff as silly as being called a shit head is, it hurt” he admitted avoiding eye contact with you. You let out a soft sigh.

“I’m sorry, I know your dad didn’t treat you very well” you replied softly, Cash let out a sigh of his own ready to spill everything he could just for the sake of telling someone. You weren’t going to pick him now so he really had nothing to lose, he lost you a long time ago he just didn’t want to admit that it was his fault.

            “You don’t have to apologize. You’re right. My communication skills are shit especially if you think that I don’t care about you or that I never cared about you. I love you, and I always have. You were my first crush and the first and only girl I’ve ever felt that way for. You’re the girl every other girl gets compared to. You were always my first choice. I was afraid to tell you because I never thought you returned that sentiment back then. You’ve never really been all that open about your feelings, you know. I never learned how to be open that way either, my dad never held, hugged or kissed me, never told me he loved me, he wouldn’t even let me hold his hand when I was a kid and he’d even yell at my mom if she tried to show my affection. He yelled at me when I cried, I was just afraid of getting that reaction from you even though I knew you would never do that, Y/N. When you decided to go to NYU, it crushed me it felt like you were abandoning me. I know I didn't tell you how I felt but I always tried to show you, I took care of you, didn't I. I always kept a sweater in my truck in case you got cold, remembered all your favorute things, hugged you when you were sad , and I thought that was enough at the time. I wanted to take you to prom, but I overheard Ben Lewis ask you right before I was going to. I made a sign and got you flower, you know, that’s what you saw me shoving in the trash. I didn’t ask Cindy she asked me the day before. Glad to know I’m not the only one who can’t tell when someone is into them unless they’re throwing themselves at you though” he said repressing a laugh at you still being jealous of Cindy and him, he was happy to see a blush sweep across your cheeks as you scowled at him. It gave him hope this wasn’t a total loss.

            “Gee I wonder why I never thought you liked me Cash. Clearly guys that like you ghost for twelve years, they also ask you to see movies with them on Valentine’s Day then leave ten minutes in to make out in the lobby with another girl. Oh, and let’s not forget the kidnapping, I mean I could go on for hours about it really” you said sarcastically, Cash rolled his eyes and repressed another chuckle at the irony of the specific night you’re talking about. He had a very interesting conversation with Cindy Ryan a few days ago.

            “I wasn’t talking about that, Butterfly. You know it also would’ve been nice of you to mention you had a boyfriend when you called me every day your first semester at NYU. You know I was planning to apply at the NYPD, I was going to give you the application as a Christmas present that year and then you showed up with a guy that looked like he stepped out of a GQ magazine. I fully planned on confessing to you that Christmas you know, I asked you to go ice skating at Frog Pond and to take a stroll with me down Acorn Street up in Boston. It was supposed to be just you and me the you invited him and Pete and Daisy took it as an invite too” he said roughly, you sneered at him.

Cash could sense you getting fired up again and he can’t help the way his heart flutters. He had never really gotten to see you be anything but sweet and friendly to him back then and seeing you freely express anger at him made him feel a little closer to you.

            “You’re making it really hard not to call you names right now. You can’t even overhear correctly, Ben asked if I’d consider going with him to prom if YOU didn’t ask me, everyone knew I was waiting for you to ask me. You ALSO never said that was supposed be a date, we used to go ice skating at Frog Pond with Daisy and Pete every year. How was I supposed know you wanted it to be romantic, and Riley wasn’t even my boyfriend. He’s very happily married to his husband, the only person he was into that night was you. He went on and on about how hot he thought you were all the way into our sophomore year. You would know these things if you just asked a question” you said sarcastically

 Cash felt his ears flare a bright shade of red at the confession. Riley talked his ear off that night and Cash assumed it was to annoy him, you and Riley were huddled in the corner giggling for most of the party at his mom’s house. You barely even talked to him that night.

            “You guys were all over each other at my mom’s party, Y/N. Huddled up in the corner and giggling the whole night. You barely even talked to me that night ” he said pointedly, you scoffed and rolled your eyes at him. Yanking hard at the cuffs still attached to both of your wrists like you were trying to break them. Cash rolled his eyes before digging in his pocket for the key as he repressed a smile. He wasn’t sure how you hadn’t noticed he was just goading you, and you were taking the bait.

            “Knock it off” he chastised you teasingly, as you nearly knock the key out of his hand. You glared daggers back at him. “Do you want them off or not. I wish I knew New York had turned you into such a stuck up brat before I brought you here” he said teasingly before unlocking the handcuffs, as soon as he gets them off you start swinging on him relentlessly. Cash can’t bring himself to block any of your slaps, scratches, or punches for a moment sensing that you desperately needed to get it out of your system.

Reader’s Pov

            “You just accused me of being a liar and I’m the one who’s a stuck-up brat! Riley and I were talking about you, he was trying to help me figure out if you felt the same way I felt about you. We were playfully shoving each other, it’s not like we were making out. I wasn’t the one making out with Cindy Ryan in the fucking lobby when I was supposed to be seeing a movie with the girl you claimed to have been head over heels in love with, was I? You went to prom with her and everything! If you cared about me so much, why didn’t you know she picked on me relentlessly when we were growing up!” you shouted, hitting him wherever you could reach alternating between closed fists and open palmed slaps as you tried to pin him to the bed.

Cash is keen to let you wail on him for a while and you feel your heart flutter despite yourself. He did say he wanted to take care of you, you didn’t believe it in the moment but you found yourself believing it now.  Cash shoves you off of him with ease, quickly wrapping his arms around yours to prevent you from doing any more damage to his pretty face. A slight satisfied looking smile tugs on your lips when you see all the welts and scratches you’ve managed to make in such short amount of time. Cash looked down at you with some amusement swirling in his eyes.

            “You can put up quite a fight I’ll give you that, I really hope you feel better now. I know Cindy picked on you a lot. I ran into her just the other day and we got to talking about you and you’ll never believe what she told me, Butterfly” he said in a teasing tone, you growl at him for daring to mention her name again, before shooting one of your knees up into his gut, Cash lurched back with a pained grunt. You moved to shove him off you but he grabbed your wrists firmly before pinning them by your head and collapsing on you slightly to keep you from kicking him. You let out a breathless groan as he used a bit of his weight to pin you into place against the bed. You still feel an overwhelming amount of rage and jealousy coursing through you.

            “I don’t really care to know what you talked about me for. She’s a bitch and you’re an asshole, you guys seem to be the perfect for each other really. Didn’t you lose your virginity to each other at prom?” you hissed struggling against him. You feel another wave of jealously overtake you at the thought of him being with your self-proclaimed archnemesis, and confusion at the fact that he really seems to see it as a non-issue. Cash gazes down at you with a fond looking smile, and you really wish you could slap it off his face because you can feel butterflies flutter in your stomach.  

            “No Y/N, I didn’t lose that until I moved to Cleveland. It wasn’t some amazing grand affair either, none of them meant anything to me, just wanted to practice for you. I wanted all my firsts to be with you, okay but I thought you moved on, I thought you were happy. I’ve always wanted you to be happy, Y/N. I promise I wasn’t happy without you I never moved on, I checked up on you every year to see if you broke up with that scumbag Jack you know” he said calmly, you stopped thrashing upon hearing his confession, looking deep in his eyes for a tell, you were surprised when you didn’t find one.

            “I never wanted to be with Jack, I just didn’t want to be alone, I didn't want to be left again. He was horrible to me, you know and you weren’t there to help me. I needed you and you were just gone” you said feeling tears slowly fall from your eyes and the urge to beat him up leave your body. Cash let go of your wrists and let you out from underneath him, taking a sitting position right against the headboard. You craned your neck to look up at him suddenly missing the feel of him being pressed against you; Cash outstretched his arms before beckoning you to him with a finger.

            “Come here Butterfly, come on it’s okay” he said in a soothing tone, you sniffled before rolling over so you could crawl over to him, hurling yourself into his arms as you clung tightly to his neck. Cash pulled you into a sitting position on his lap wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug, you let out a soft sob as you nuzzled your face into his neck. Cash ran his hands up and down your back in soothing circles whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

You’re not sure how long you stay like this but you know you never want the moment to end. Feeling whatever lasting anger you had towards him slowly dwindle with every loving word he whispers and every tender circle he draws. You haven’t felt this loved or this content in twelve years. You can now acknowledge that you had made him just as confused and afraid as he had made you. You both had a little bit of responsibility to take for the way things turned out. If you had plucked up the courage to let him know you cared about him regardless of whether he shared that sentiment, things would be different between you now. You can understand now that  he interpreted you going to school as abandonment, his dad left without Cash ever really knowing he loved him. He was afraid of you rejecting him, afraid of you not loving him, and afraid of you judging him for having those feelings. You felt Cash tangle his fingers in your hair.

            “Can you look at me for a second, Butterfly” he whispered hoarsely, you pull back to see his face just as tear stained as yours is. You haven’t really seen him cry since you were kids, those nights when he crawled through your window weeping after a verbal lashing from his father seemed so far away. You had missed the days when you guys weren’t afraid to be vulnerable and comfort each other this way.

            “I’m so sorry I left, I never did it with the intention of hurting you. I’m sorry, I didn’t know about some of the things Jack was doing to you if I had I would’ve put a stop to it faster than I did. Pete told me about that Christmas three years ago when he walked in on Jack hitting you” Cash said calmly, you furrowed your brows at him in confusion at him for a moment.

            “What do you mean you put a stop to it, Cash?” you asked, though you were pretty sure you already knew the answer you had seen Jack come home looking pretty mangled on two different occasions. He never told you what happened but the first time had been on some ‘work’ trip, which was really code for a trip with his mistress and the second was when he showed up at your apartment to pick up the rest of his things

            “I think you know already, but I sought him out and talked some sense into him on his little work trip to Cleveland during New Years that year. I caught him on a parking violation then I was able to hit him with resisting arrest so I could use a little force” Cash said in a dark eerie sounding way that makes you feel hot all over. If you had known he fought in your honor you would’ve jumped him that first day on the beach without a second thought. You still loved him despite all those things that happened between you. You don't think you ever stopped loving him and that was why you were so angry and afraid.

            “He apparently didn’t get the message the first time, as you know. I’m sorry he framed it as him leaving you for his mistress, I wish he had told you a cop beat him to a pulp twice. It would’ve made getting suspended sting a little less, you know. I wanted to reach back out it just never felt like the right time. And then Pete told me you were going to be in the wedding and I knew I had to at least try and give us a second chance. When you tried to run off, I panicked, I'm sorry about doing all this, Butterfly. I over rracted. I’m never going to let anyone hurt you again, Y/N. I’m never going to leave again, I promise. We can get married and travel like you always wanted to” he said softly. You gave him a teary smile.

            “You know if you had started with, ‘I beat your abusive cheating ex-boyfriend to a half to death twice because of my undying love for you, let’s get married’,at the beach I would’ve said yes. You’re bad at planning, can’t communicate, and have no observational skills. You’re a bad cop, Cash” you chuckled, Cash rolled his eyes playfully repressing a chuckle of his own.

            “I’m not a bad cop, way to ruin the moment, Butterfly” he replied softly, you bit your lip slightly as you look at him, running your hands up his chest. Cash trailed one hand to grip your thigh possessively as he gazed back at you with dark lust filled eyes and you feel your clit throb eagerly at the action. You feel nervous butterflies in your stomach, you'd been dreaming about this moment for years. It was a little rocking getting to this point, but you were glad you did because you felt closer to Cash than you had ever been. You loved him, and he loved you too. You've already seen each others faults and flaws and yet still craved each other despite.

            “Well, you are not a very good one, my love but that’s okay you have other redeeming qualities” you purred, moving a teasing hand up his shirt. Cash let out a deep growl before crashing his lips onto yours, capturing you in a passionate kiss. You moaned against his mouth before parting for air, as you quickly move to unbutton his shirt pushing it hurriedly off his broad shoulders. Neither of you appeared to be thinking, it was like you were on autopilot and just instinctivly knew what the other needed. You felt Cash place hot, opened mouth kisses down your neck, moving his hand further up your thigh under the hem of your dress. You feel your heart rate pick up at fact that you were finally doing this.

            “Can you take this off for me, baby” he said huskily motioning to your dress, your cheeks flush a dark shade of red as you slowly take it off for him throwing it off to your side. He made a pleased sound as he aimlessly ran his hands over your skin. Placing hot kisses on your exposed cleavage, you quickly unhook your bra, throwing it off to the side. Cash let out a soft groan as his eyes racked hungrily over your chest for a moment. You loved the way he looked at you like you were the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. Cash closed his mouth around one of your nipples, sucking on it as he gazed up into your eyes. You gaze back at him, blushing before running your fingers through his soft gray hair, Cash let out a content sounding sigh at the feel of you running your fingers through his hair. Cash bites down on your nipple causing you to let out a shriek and moan as you throw your head back . Cash never takes his eyes off your face, feeling particularly prideful that you rewarded him with such pretty noises. You shudder against him against him, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck in an attempt to keep him from pulling away. Cash chuckles against you. He wanted to stay there as much as you wanted him to.

            “I just want to move you baby . I love seeing you like this for me ” he crooned running a hand through your hair affectionately as he smiled at you , you pout slightly but let him pull away from you. Cash lifted you off his lap placing you gently next to him on the bed, moving further down the bed to admire your perfect body from a far.

            “You’re wearing more clothes than me, that’s not fair” you said innocently batting your eyes at him, Cash chuckled rolling his eyes at you, your bratty side was really growing on him.

            “I didn’t know you were so impatient. I really wanted to take me time with you this round” he said letting out an exaggerated sigh as he moved to stand from the bed. Loving the way you bite down on your lip as you scoot to the edge of the bed in front of him, reaching to undo his belt for him. This was everything he had ever dreamed of, seeing you return his affection without hesitation made his heart flutter.

            “Um, I’ve been patiently waiting for you to come to your senses for fourteen years, Cashton Ewing,” you said sharply, as you finished unzipping his pants, tugging them down his waist shamelessly. Cash bit back a moan as he gazed down at you, loving that you wanted him as badly as he wanted you. “And I’m not sure if I’ve fully forgiven you for ditching me at the movies for Cindy. So, you’re really going to have to prove you can be a good boy for me. Then maybe I’ll consider being a good girl for you ” you said teasingly, Cash let out a low growl staring at you with eyes filled with lust and love.

            “Will you lay down for me, pretty girl” he finally breathed out he really didn't mind doting on you. He wanted you any way he could get you after all. You had him in the palm of your hand. He rolled his eyes lovingly as he watched you pretend to ponder his request for a moment, playfully placing a finger under your chin. Cash gave you the biggest pair of puppy eyes he could muster.

            “I suppose I will” you quipped, turning to lay your head on a pillow looking up at him expectantly. Cash chuckled softly dragging a hand up one of your legs delicately, stopping right where your panties lay on your hip. You let out an impatient whine you were soaked already and need him inside you desperately, Cash smirks at you before finally hooking a finger under the waistband and tugging your panties off in one quick motion. You shiver in excitement and anticipation at the display of dominance and immediately spreading your legs in submission for him the minute he lowers himself onto the end of the bed. You reach out towards him needily batting your eyes at him, Cash flashes you a sweet smile as he felt his heart flutter and his cock twitch againt his thigh, he quickly moved to capture you in another brief passionate kiss. Leaning back on his knees to gaze down at your body fully. You really were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

            “I just knew you had a pretty pussy” he moaned running a long finger over your wet slit, appreciating how you flush at the compliment and let out a whine at the contact bucking your hips up eagerly. “Can I finish you off now?” he crooned feeling his cock twitch again.

            “Yes, Cash. Please finish me off” you cried softly; Cash made a deep pleased sounding rumble from his chest. Coating his fingers with your juices before rubbing your swollen clit in slow circles with his thumb. You moan loudly, arching your back, as Cash lets a finger dip inside you. Cash let out a moan, you were so tight, so wet, and all his.

            “Fuck, you’re so tight, Butterfly” he groaned adding another finger and angling them up to hit your G-spot as he pumped them in and out at a steady pace. You were so reponsive to everything he did. Your eyes roll into your head feeling a pleasure you didn’t know your body was capable of. Jack never made you feel like this, he could never bring you to climax. And Cash had gotten you so close in mere minutes You let out a needy whine when Cash withdraws his fingers from inside you for a moment. Your eyes fly open to look at him. Cash stares at you with dark eyes adoring that you craved him as much as he craved you.

            “I just want to taste you, baby, hold on” he said sweetly, rubbing your leg reassuringly before adjusting the pillows behind your head. “Don’t close your eyes, Butterfly. I want you to look at me while I make this pretty cum, hm” he purred, lowering his head between your legs. Taking in your pretty flushed heat with hungry eyes.

            “Okay” you cry out breathlessly, Cash places a tender kiss on your thigh before letting his tongue make a few teasing passes against your bud, you tasted like heaven and he regreted not being the first to have you. He watches you try to grind against his mouth for more friction desperately needing him to put you over the edge. Cash throws his long arm across your stomach, pining your hips in place. He needed to savor this moment, wished he could film it really but he wasn't sure you'd be open to that.

            “I’m just savoring you, my love; you taste so good. Be patient” he whispers teasingly, you narrow your eyes at him. Cash chuckles before finally slipping his fingers back inside of you loving how your walls flutter around them he couldn’t wait to feel you on his cock. He steadily increased the pace of his strokes wanting to hear all the pretty sounds you made leave your lips, he finally latches onto your clit eating you out rapidly. You cry out with your hands clutching the sheets in your fists, trying to keep your eyes from rolling into your head again. Cash moans against you, removing his fingers so he can thrust his tongue into your wet heat. You move a hand to grip his hair, trying to bring him as close as you can as you let out a string of depraved sounding moans and cries. Cash lifts his head up so he can speak to you, shoving and angling his fingers back inside your tight pussy.

            “I know you’re close, Butterfly, cum for me” he said, putting his mouth back on your clit and letting up a bit on your stomach so you can grind into him loving every pass you make. Staring into each other’s souls, you let out a shriek of pleasure as you feel your walls clenching around his fingers. Cash maintains eye contact with as he sucks your juices off his them. You groan at the action, feeling exceptionally filthy at how sexy you found it. “Can I have a kiss, baby?” he asked softly moving to hover over you with big eyes, you giggle breathlessly reaching up to cup his face.

            “Of course, you can” you said dreamily, Cash smiles at you before capturing you in a sweet kiss, you could tast yourself on him. He pulls away and strokes your hair affectionately, resting his forehead against yours.  

            “Can I make you mine now, Butterfly” he whispered, you nodded in reply trailing your hand down his sculpted chest. Cash gives you one last kiss before standing up to remove the last thing separating the two of you, something about feels oddly poetic. You perk up moving to kneel at the edge of the bed, your whole body is quivering in equal amounts of need, want, and anticipation. Cash maintains your gaze for a moment before gently bringing your hand to his waistband.

            “Do you want to do it; do you want to be my good girl, Y/N” he coos, you nod frantically practically tearing them off him. Cash chuckles darkly thinking of every filthy thing he'dget you to do for him eventually loving the way you take his cock in with pretty wide eyes. You admire him for a long moment feeling your mouth go dry,the feel of him definitely didn’t do him justice, he’s huge both in size and girth, you desperately wanted to lick the precum off of it. You begin to wonder if it’ll even fit inside of you.

            “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle” he assures you, leaning down to kiss the top of your head.

            “I don’t want you to be gentle. I’m not that delicate” you said confidently, hoping maybe you’ll believe yourself. You know Cash sees right through this as he leans down to whisper in your ear. He didn't want to hurt you too bad, he still saw you as his frail little butterfly. Even though he very much wanted to fuck you as hard as he could.

            “We’ll start slowing and see how you feel. You nodded to my question before, but I need to hear say it, Butterfly. So, I’ll ask you again, do you want to be my good girl” he repeats seductively, laying hot kisses on your neck and shoulders. You suck in a sharp breath as you shudder against him, feeling your walls slick with your arousal again.

            “I want to be your good girl, Cash. Please make me yours” you moan out, Cash growls in approval giving you a firm but gentle shove onto the bed. Grabbing the underside of your knees he pulls you swiftly to the edge. You raise your hips as high as you can in an attempt to meet his waist.

            “Why are you so damn tall” you breathed impatiently, Cash chuckled under his breath, pushing your hips back down. He placed one of his knees beside you on the bed. Staring at you like you were a piece of prey.

            “Legs up, baby” he commanded gently, you bring your knees up to your chest almost instantly. Cash bites his lip at the act of submission before angling your legs a specific way. He gazes at you with dark, mischievous eyes. You raise your eyebrow at him slightly, but don’t say anything, Cash seems to be able to read your mind and answers your unasked question. “The butterfly position for my beautiful Butterfly “ he crooned, you flush a bright shade of pink as he positions himself at your entrance, making a few passes on your wet slit, coating his large cock with your juices before pushing the tip inside you. You unintentionally tense up beneath him, Cash moves to run his hands in soothing motions on your hips, and you relax almost instantly as he rests his forehead on yours.

            “I love you, go ahead and stretch me out I can take it” you whispered, Cash stares at you with loving eyes before thrusting into you slowly; pausing every so often to let you adjust. You let out a soft cry when you feel him bottom out inside of you, you feel so full, and you wonder how you stretched so perfectly for him. Cash peppers your face with kisses as he whispers sweet nothings and words of encouragement.

            “Good job, you’re such a good girl” he praises you; you blush, looking at him sheepishly rocking your hips in small circles. Cash chuckles knowing that he's found a kink of yours so quickly “oh you like praise, I’ll praise you forever, Butterfly” he croons pulling out before thrusting in you again slowly wanting to feel every fold of your insides. You moan as he sets a slow pace. You dig your nails into his shoulders. He hisses in pleasure at you, marking him as yours before leaning down to mark you as his as well, leaving as many lovebites as he can. Loving how you mirror his actions.

            “Oh Cash” you sigh softly, Cash lifts your hips off the bed with one hand slightly to hit you at a different angle before pinching one of your nipples roughly. You let out a string of cries and moans as he gradually increases his pace.

            “Oh, Y/N you feel so good. This pretty little pussy was made for me, right” he grunts.

            “Oh, yes made for you. Fuck, please fuck me harder, Cash. You feel so good inside me” you cry out dazed, feeling your second orgasm quickly approaching, Cash growls gripping both of your hips so hard, you were sure you’d have bruises but can’t bring yourself to care. Cash accepts your request pounding into you as hard as he can, until the only sounds filling the rooms are your shared filthy cries of pleasure and the slapping of skin on skin.

            “Does my good girl want to cum again for me” Cash grunts, as his thrusts grow more erratic. You were so perfect for him.

            “Yes, Cash please, please i want to cum on your cock” you beg, Cash growls rubbing your swollen clit frantically. Continuing relentlessly pounding into you, you dig your nails so deep into his arms you’re certain you draw blood. Cash is too wrapped up in you to notice as he looks deeply into your eyes. You stare back at him.

            “Cum all of this cock, Y/N and I’ll fill you up. I’m yours. Only yours” he pants out, you shriek until your voice is hoarse as your second orgasm comes crashing in on you. Cash shudders above you, letting out an animalistic grunt and repeated cries of your name as he spills his load deep inside you. You reach out to him, Cash doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you, lifting you up and pulling you into his chest. He doesn’t pull out as he sits down where he just scooped you up from you both cling to each other, trying to catch your breath, nuzzling your faces in the other’s neck, placing kisses on each other, and stroking the other’s hair. Mirroring each other like you were in perfect synchronicity, in sync. You let out a content, tired sigh against him and you feel Cash’s chuckle rumble through out your whole body.

            “You need a nap already, Butterfly, you slept for fourteen hours” You could hear the amusement in his voice and turn your head to look up at him with a dreamy smile.

            “No, I’m weak, I haven’t eaten anything yet, remember. Feed me, then I’ll cuff you to the bed and we can go another round” you said playfully, Cash narrowed his eyes playfully at you before finally pulling out of you, setting you gently on the bed. You watch him lazily pull his pants back on before picking up his shirt.

            “Come here, Butterfly” he cooed beckoning you to him with a finger, you scoot to the edge of the bed because your legs feel like spaghetti noodles. Cash chuckles softly dressing you up in his shirt and loosely buttoning a few buttons, you giggle at how gigantic it looks on you, before reaching up to him with a sweet smile.

            “Carry me please, Cashy” you say sweetly, Cash happily scoops you up and carries you out of the room and down the hallway.

            “Wait, what did Cindy say” you ask narrowing your eyes at him playfully. Cash chuckled placing a quick kiss on your cheek as he made it to the top of the stairs.

“Oh, so now you wanna know, huh” he said with an amused glint in his eyes as he carries you down the stairs gently. You giggle raising your eyebrows at him expectantly.

“Yeah I really wanna know, you were a good boy and all but I need all the info so I can fully move past this misstep of yours. Tell me about your mistress Officer Ewing” you said teasingly, Cash rolled his eyes at you setting you on a stool at the kitchen island before heading towards the fridge.

“I was never even into her that way. You’ve been the only girl occupying my thoughts and dreams since I was seven, Butterfly. You seem to be under the impression that you and Cindy were both vying for my affections, but the truth is Cindy and I were both vying for your affections” Cash said smugly, you furrowed you eyebrows together.

“Huh” you said, looking at him in disbelief. Cash let out a deep chuckle.

“That day at the movies, I only left to go to the bathroom and get you Twizzlers from the concession stand. You said you didn’t want any but I knew you did, anyway, the line was insanely long it was Valentines Day after all. I was just waiting patiently when Cindy popped up out nowhere and asked if she could give money for what she wanted because she didn’t want to wait in line. I said sure just to be nice and then she started talking my ear off for like fifteen minutes straight. We bought our stuff and I told her I had to go because you waiting for me but she wouldn’t let me leave, she just kept talking and then out of nowhere she threw herself at me. I didn’t even kiss her back, Y/N and it wasn’t very long. She stopped pretty quickly but I guess that because she got what she wanted, you ran out. And then Cindy just left like nothing happened, I was so confused but went back in to be with you, I may have also been planning to kiss you that night but that doesn’t matter now. I just thought you went to bathroom but after twenty minutes I got worried and went back to the lobby to find you asked some girl to see if you were in the bathroom, you weren’t. I went looking for you everywhere you know, Butterfly that’s the only reason it took me that long to get home” he said placing a reassuring kiss on your cheek.

“Awww, you were going to kiss me. I’m sorry I left, so you’re saying Cindy did all that because she was jealous” you cooed blushing, you guess you really were just as oblivious as he was.

“I forgive you, and yeah, she told me all about this when I ran into her and her girlfriend the other day. She didn’t realize why she hated how much time you and I spent together you know, she knew she liked getting your attention and picking on you but she hadn’t realized it was because she was attracted to you. Until she kissed me to make you mad and she figured out she didn’t enjoy it like she thought she would and she felt really bad when you ran out crying. After she figured that out she did everything in her power to keep us apart. You’re just that irresistible, Y/N” he crooned with a smug smile, setting a sandwich in front of you. You gave him an apologetic look and puppy dog eyes.

“I’m sorry for holding that over your head, but again…” you said pointedly. Cash rolled his eyes before taking a seat next to you.

“Communication is your friend, yeah, I got it, now eat your sandwich. And no, I won’t share you anyone else, man or woman, so don’t even ask” he said with a smirk. You rolled your eyes playfully giving him a slight smirk.

“That’s okay, clearly, I don’t like sharing either, Cash. It’s like I talk but it goes in one ear and out the other. My only request is that we at least have sex once in my bedroom at my mom’s house. I think it’ll be really kinky if you defile me in the first place I ever had an orgasm while thinking of you” you said nonchalantly, taking another bite of your sandwich glancing at him for a moment, Cash looked at you dumbfounded.

“While your mom’s there” he asked in a hushed tone looking at you with wide eyes and rosy cheeks. You gave him a smug smirk and wiggled your eyebrows at him.

“Yes, we can play your little game from earlier and everything. Although, I think she’d really be into hearing us actually, you should see the nightie she put in my duffle bag” you said coyly, a wide grin spread it’s way onto Cash’s face as he looked at you.

“I’m beginning to think you liked me kidnapping you more than you let on, Butterfly. You’re a kinky little minx, I didn’t think it was possible for me to love you more than I already did.” he crooned, pulling you into a sweet kiss.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

[maccreadysbaby]

Omg I think the single mother idea is adorable!!! What if readers son or daughter keeps getting into trouble with another little kid in their class. So the principal calls both parents in to talk. And BOOM in walks none other than single dad Logan. The parents hit it off after running into each other at the school and around town doing errands. I think it would be cute!!

This is so cute!!!! I love it!! I’m going to write it in head canon format just because it would be a little easier for me :) I took a little liberty with naming the kids, I hope that’s okay! I made them eleven years old because I feel like that’s when kids start to actually get mean lol

sorry this is like really long I apologize :,) I put my heart and soul into it

next part >

THE MOMENT™︎

Y/n L/n thought she would only get married once

she was wrong

Her first husband had been the love of her life, an absolute dream of man. She couldn’t have asked for a better husband or father to their son, McKade.

that was, until he started drinking. they got divorced when McKade was just six years old.

he went back and forth from house to house on the weekends

until her ex husband went off the grid right after their son turned eleven. completely disappeared off the face of the earth

she knew it was hard for McKade, not seeing his father anymore. but she didn’t know it was going to go as far as getting in trouble at school

she wasn’t super surprised when she got a call from the middle school that her son had gotten into a fight with another kid in his class. he’d definitely inherited his fathers unbeatable loud mouth and sour attitude and it was bound to get him into some kind of trouble

she didn’t know what she’d expected when showing up to a meeting with the other boy’s parent, but she definitely hadn’t expected him. he was younger than she thought, and fitter, too. He looked like he could’ve been the kid’s brother instead of father

the principal of the school recommended a sort of backwards approach to the kids’ relationship, insisting that forcing them to spend time together would eventually make them friends

Y/n wasn’t completely on board at first, figuring it might be torturous to make McKade hang out with the kid who’d beat him up, who’s name she learned was Elliot Walker

so, the first order of business was simple: their teacher assigned McKade and Elliot partners on a project. It wouldn’t be too much to handle, right?

she got his father’s phone number (who’s name turned out to be Logan) and they met at the local park to let the boys work on the project at the picnic tables

Y/n was extremely awkward at first, just keeping her eyes trained on the children and listening intently to the sarcastic quips and rude comments they threw back and forth. She hadn’t spoken to Logan a single time until he piped up:

”I think this is working,”

She glanced over at him on the park bench, knitting her eyebrows together

”they’re verbally abusing one another,”

”but not beating each other up,” he shrugged. She shrugged, too.

”guess not,”

after only a little blood was spilt — which happened to be once from Elliot’s nose after McKade punched him — the project seemed to be going smoothly, apart from occasional bickering. They weren’t exactly friends, because they were basically silent unless they were being rude, but it was a start

Logan and y/n stayed silent most of the time, just watching the boys to make sure they didn’t go full out mma on each other. But y/n couldn’t help but be curious about Logan

he seemed young, but obviously old enough to have a kid. And where was his wife? Most men would definitely make their wife take on the child responsibilities. Especially if it involved another mother. She refrained from speaking, though. Mostly because she didn’t want to pry or come off as pushy

the boys finished the project, and naturally, the teacher gave them another one. If they had homework, the teacher insisted they do it together. And surprisingly, by the end of the week, the boys were starting to not hate each other

when it got cold out, Logan and Elliot started coming to Y/n’s house instead of the park. he took note of all the pictures on the walls being devoid of a father

they were both trash at small talk, so they hadn’t really spoken apart from the occasional “yeah that was great thanks bye” and “hi how are you, good how are you”

she was surprised he was so quiet and content with not speaking, but she didn’t really mind

on Friday, while the boys were doing homework in the dining room and she and Logan sat on her sofa, he piped up again:

”so, what do you do?”

she peeled her gaze away from the boys doing homework and met his icy eyes

”I’m a financial advisor,”

he nodded to himself: “you must have a lot of friends.”

y/n laughed: “friends? My clients wish they were dead every time I show up to lecture them on their spending. McKade is my best friend,” she gestured to her son through the doorway. “My only friend, really. My world.”

”mine, too.” He stated, and she gave him a weird look. He quickly corrected: “Elliot, I mean.”

so Logan and Elliot left that night, and the week of socialization was over. And she was grateful

… for about a day, because on Saturday, McKade was asking if he Elliot could come over again

“I thought you didn’t like him,” she teased

“Yeah, but, you know, he’s kinda cool when he isn’t punching me in the gut. Plus, you need some friends too, mom,”

y/n was flabbergasted. “What are you taking about?”

”Elliot’s dad. He’s cool. You never hang out with your friends like us kids do, you should,”

she snickered. “That’s because you’re my best friend, Kade.”

he rolled his eyes. “I’m eleven, and not to be rude, but that’s kinda pathetic. Elliot said his dad needs friends, too.”

y/n was genuinely confused, but also kind of glad he was in good graces with the Walker boy again. She called Logan that evening and they went to the park

”so, my son tells me you need some friends,” he stated from their seat on the park bench. Y/n snickered

”funny, I heard the same about you. Except McKade called me pathetic in the middle of it.”

Logan laughed, a nice, genuine laugh with a bright smile. And that’s when y/n thought, you know, maybe having a friend wouldn’t be so bad. For the sake of their sons, of course ;)

over the next few weeks, Elliot and McKade became inseparable to the point where Y/n saw Logan almost every day. Their pitiful small talk slowly grew into more lengthy conversations and got more personal

Logan let it slip that he was retired military, and after a little bit of excited badgering, told y/n a few stories. In turn she told him some about her past. It wasn’t anything cool, mostly like riding horses on her father’s ranch and getting lost in the woods of Louisiana at night

they we’re getting closer just like their boys were. They took turns hosting sleepovers nearly every weekend, sending pictures of the boys and selfies of them and the kids back and forth until the wee hours of the morning

y/n once got locked out of the house during said sleepover and had to have Logan jimmy the lock — which she totally didn’t think was so cool

he stayed for dinner that night, the four of them at her tiny dining table, chatting it up over a few boxes of pizza like long lost friends

and frankly, she was beginning to consider Logan her best friend. She didn’t know about him, but he was basically the only friend she had at that point, so that made him the best. Right?

y/n found herself getting a bit more excited for the play dates than the actual children. McKade had a stable best friend and everything was going great. He barely asked about his dad anymore, and honestly, Logan had become some sort of bonus father to him the same way Y/n’s best friend’s parents were growing up. It was a dream

that is, until it wasn’t

until y/n got an unnamed phone call from Chicago while the kids were at school, only to hear that her ex-husband was dead

it didn’t hurt like she thought it would. Her heart ached more for McKade than it did for herself. How was she gonna tell him? How was she supposed to do that?

In that moment, she became painfully aware of how alone she really was

that night, she quietly invited Logan and Elliot over for dinner, and after they ate, the boys went to his room to play

character limit 💀

As they were cleaning up, y/n blurted: “McKade’s dad is dead. How am I supposed to tell him that?”

Logan whirled around from her kitchen sink, eyes wide, with a plate still in his hand. “What?”

She felt kind of dumb in the moment, because she’d never brought up her ex with him before. Neither had he. It simply wasn’t a topic up for discussion

”I don’t know, I didn’t get the details. I just know it happened this morning. How am I supposed to tell him?”

Logan’s eyes drifted to the side, focusing on something in the other room. His features went pitifully soft. “I think you just did.”

she turned around just in time to see her son barrel back up the stairs, tailed by Elliot, who was saying something she couldn’t decipher

she immediately ditched dinner cleanup, darting up the stairs after them, to McKade’s room. The door was halfway open and she could already hear the hysterical sobs emanating from inside of it, and the small, comforting voice of Elliot, trying his absolute best. She could tell he was crying, too

she went into the room and was met with McKade, laying on his bed facing the wall, trembling almost violently as his small body was wracked with sobs too big for such a young child. Elliot was sitting beside him, one hand resting on his best friend’s back as the other wiped tears off of his own face

God, she was such an idiot

she heard Logan’s footsteps enter the room behind her, but she didn’t pay any attention to them. Instead she sat on the bed and held her son for what seemed like hours as he coughed and spluttered, trying a few times to speak to no avail. Elliot stayed right by his side the entire time

it was half past two in the morning when McKade finally fell asleep in her arms. Elliot had already fallen asleep about an hour earlier, arms clinging tightly around his best friend’s waist

y/n, trailed by Logan’s soft irises, covered them both up and left the bedroom silently

She didn’t say a word as they padded back downstairs, both in utter shock. And they stayed silent until Logan muttered: “you want us to stay the night?”

and that was when her heart shattered. For her, for her son, for her ex, for everything and anything she’d been keeping inside of her all at once. She sank onto the kitchen floor without warning, silent but hysterical sobs forcing their way out of her small frame with absolutely no mercy

she only felt the least bit of comfort when she heard his knees land on the floor behind her, and felt his arms snake around her from behind, holding her together like some makeshift bubble wrap. His head was resting against her shoulder, the warmth he radiated spreading across her back as he pulled her against his chest

he never said anything. He only held her

and that moment was it. The moment she realized she felt safest in his arms, she felt protected and seen and wanted in his embrace. It felt different than anything she’d ever felt with her ex husband. Like he really was going to be there, always and forever.

And no matter how torn up and distraught she was in that moment, it was the very one that she realized… she was going to marry Logan Walker

and a year and a half later, she did

and they lived happily ever after with their cute sons

:,)

[beauty-and-passion]

FSS3 Episode 14: Family

What does that mean, to be a family?

Updates every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

What is FFS3 - Introduction - Season 2 finale - previous episode - next episode

AO3 link for this episode

DISCLAIMER: As said in the introductory post, Fanders Sides Season 3 (season 2 finale included) could have triggering themes/scenes. Please keep that in mind before reading.

_______________________________

Thomas is in a car, driving somewhere. He sits in silence.

Then, a voice overlaps: it’s Patton’s. While he talks, we see Thomas the day before, sitting in a park. He’s alone, his back against a tree. On the other side of the tree, sitting with his back against the trunk as well, there’s Patton. 

Patton is saying that having a family isn’t easy. You care about your kids and you wish all the best for them. So you want to protect them and solve all of their problems, but you also want them to grow strong and independent.

Sometimes it’s easy to understand what is the right thing to do, when it’s time to help and when it’s time to step back and let your kiddos learn from their mistakes. But there are times when you don’t know. Maybe you underestimate something and, instead of helping your kids, you end up hurting them. Or, instead of letting them learn a lesson, you stifled them.

(Patton’s voice breaks a little, he takes some time to catch his breath. When he resumes talking, his voice is softer, full of nostalgia)

When Thomas was a kid, everything was easier. Simple questions, simple problems, simple Sides. Patton was just putting together the first building blocks of his morality and the project was simple: Thomas will grow up into a kind, honest man. He will help others, love the world and be happy.

Back then, Logan was much more curious. Everything was a discovery, every word a new knowledge. Roman was incredibly active too: he created all day every day and he showed his creations, waiting for other people’s approval.

There was Remus, but his wild creativity didn’t ask for anyone’s approval. There was Virgil, scared of his own shadow. There was Janus, too cynical and crafty for a child.

And there was Anger. And he was just too much: too emotional, too hotheaded, too impulsive, too pessimistic.

Patton’s voice cracks again.

He is the main emotional Side, he explains. He knows how powerful emotions are. Joy and happiness can be strong, but not as strong as the grip sadness can have on you. And the grip of sadness is nothing, compared to the burning fire that is rage.

And yet, he never fully acknowledged it. Anger is out of control, that’s all he thought. Anger isn’t able to deal with his own emotions. Anger can be a problem for Thomas.

Patton sighs. It’s just so hard to be a parent, you know? No one teaches you how to do it, so you make mistakes, all the time. When you shouldn’t help, you mess up. And when you should help, you don’t. Your only hope is not to mess everything up so badly, to make your kids grow resentful towards you.

If he opened up to Janus’ mentality, he continues, they could’ve found a way to compromise and work all together. Patton’s life plan would’ve been a bit more realistic, without impossibly high expectations. And they could’ve been a real family, where no one is left behind.

A little sob.

So please, Thomas, he says, if they did even a bit of a decent job, be kind to your parents. They were as unaware of what was good for you as you were.

°

We cut back at Thomas driving. He stops in front of his parent’s house: the door opens and his father is on the threshold. He welcomes Thomas inside and asks him how he feels.

Thomas enters and immediately apologizes for the breakdown he had during his grandma’s birthday. He didn’t mean to be so harsh, he was just very stressed. He knows his grandparents aren’t bad people, it’s just hard sometimes to deal with them.

His father agrees: yes, they can be like that and yes, it can be hard to deal with them. But still, that’s not how Thomas should’ve reacted.

Thomas apologizes again: he lost control and he knows it wasn’t right. He just hopes his parents are not disappointed in him.

We are not disappointed, his father replies. Just a bit sad. But not just because of Thomas’ reaction: it’s because his father felt he should’ve done more.

It’s been years since Thomas came out as gay and yet, he didn’t do much to protect him from the grandparents. He shielded himself behind the “they’ve always been like that” and never tried to change their mind. He underestimated how painful it was for his son and thought it was just normal for Thomas to deal with this.

He simply made a mistake. He should’ve been more present for Thomas, but didn’t know that was the right thing to do.

Thomas holds his hand tight and says it’s okay: he knows that being a parent is not easy at all.

°

We cut back again to the day before: this time, there’s Roman on the other side of the tree. He tells Thomas that oh, having a brother isn’t easy. At. All. 

But Thomas already knows that, doesn’t he? He still argues with his brothers sometimes and they kick each other’s ass. Well, it’s mostly his brothers who kick his ass.

Thomas replies with an indignant “Hey!”, they laugh together.

Do you also argue with Remus?, Thomas asks with genuine curiosity.

All the time, Roman confirms. He loves clean, pretty, polished images. Remus loves gross, chaotic, messy ones. Roman asks him for a simple prompt, Remus throws in blood and death. It’s not always easy to get what he needs from him.

Still, they are connected by their passion for art. They both use art as a pure, undiluted expression of the self - well, Remus always did, Roman is learning every day how to do it more. So even when he can’t fully grasp what Remus is trying to tell him or why he does some things, he can still try to understand him through art.

And the more time they spend together, the easier it gets to understand him. He’s not just a chaos gremlin, would you believe that? He has dreams too! And things he wants! He can even be caring! In his stupid, weird ways, but it looks like he can!

Thomas hugs his knees and apologizes: his black/white mentality forced Roman to grow up without a brother on his side. If only he was more mature, Roman and Remus would’ve spent more together and knew each other better.

On the other side of the tree, Roman shrugs. What he missed the most, he confesses, was someone always getting his back. Sure, Patton has always been caring and tried his best to be a good father. Logan matured faster, to become the support they needed. Even Virgil joined and offered his support - and Roman feels extremely lucky to have him on his side.

But a brother is… different. It’s a bond that goes beyond liking each other. Even if Remus isn’t the type of guy Roman would ever choose as a friend, he cares about him. He wants Remus to express himself, even if he says stupid shit 24/7. And he still enjoys searching among Remus’ crazy ideas, even when they’re not what Roman wanted, because it’s just too funny to find the diamond in the rough.

Are you truly happy with that?, Thomas asks. You wanted to be a star.

Roman shrugs again. He wanted a lot of things and his mind was filled with all the things he wanted. Fame, riches, the house behind a waterfall, being a star, being loved by everyone forever and ever. Now that he thinks about it, he was kind of a prick, always asking and pretending all of this.

But then, things happened. He made a lot of mistakes. He lost opportunities - big ones. He made other mistakes. He almost killed a Side, to get what he wanted.

(Both he and Thomas look down)

In the end, Roman continues, despite all of this, he didn’t get anything of the things he wanted. But he got exactly what he needed: a family, friends, support, freedom. Now he knows he can be a prince, a villain, a hero and a monster and he will still be Creativity. Now he doesn’t have to stifle and censor his works, to satisfy high moral standards. Now he can enjoy the act of creation - and even get his hands dirty.

And you know what? He likes it. He likes to search the chaotic stuff Remus produces, get the rough ideas, cut out the worst parts, shine and polish and finish them. It’s satisfying, you know? It gives him passion and purpose.

Roman hesitates.

So… is it okay if he does it?, he asks and there’s a hint of his insecurity shining through his words. Is it okay, for Thomas, if he’s not just a prince anymore but… all of this? Is it okay if he’s Passion and Creativity?

Thomas smiles. As he said, he will always be proud of Roman, no matter who he will be.

°

We go back to Thomas’ house: while he’s talking with his father, his brothers approach him. The father leaves to call Thomas’ mother.

Thomas reaches his brothers, they all share a hug. Thomas starts to apologize, but the brothers stop him: no need to do that, he had all the reasons to get angry at their grandparents.

His brothers tell him that, after Thomas left, they both scolded their grandparents and told them that next time, they would leave even before Thomas. And of course they would, Thomas is their brother! They will always support him!

They hug again and Thomas thanks them. Still, he should’ve handled things better, he insists. It wasn’t fair to ruin the celebration for everyone.

They reassure him again. It’s okay, it was time to finally say something. It was still kinda understandable when he just came out, but after so many years it’s just ridiculous. And they should’ve done something sooner to help their bro, so it’s a bit of their fault too.

Thomas hugs them and says it’s okay. He’s just happy they got his back.

His brothers confirm they always will.

°

Back to the park. The sun is going down, but there is still some time left. Thomas leans against the tree trunk and closes his eyes. He hears someone shifting and sitting on the other side, then Janus starts talking.

He says that protection is always made of two parts: the one who protects you from dangers and the one who attacks said dangers. It’s not a job for a single Side, not even for the one who has two faces.

He waits for a few seconds, then resumes talking.

In the beginning, he says, he thought the two Creativities would’ve stuck together and become similar in behavior and intents. But the more time passed, the more it became clear they were very different. Roman was ego-oriented, formal and accurate. Remus was wild and dark. Untamable and dangerous, that’s how he was considered. He should stay out of Roman’s job. That’s how it was.

It was a period of changes, Janus explains. Anxiety was new to all of that, just recently born from Thomas’ childhood fears. And because of that, he was a pariah. He is the danger, the boogeyman. He should stay out of Thomas’ life. That’s how it was.

And then, Anger. The second heavily emotional Side. Because of that, he was supposed to be under Patton’s wing: after all, who could’ve been his best working partner, if not the Side who deals with the biggest part of the emotional spectrum? He was the first Side Patton ever called “kiddo”, after all.

But a scale is made of two plates: and if the “kiddo” was on one of them, on the other there was an entire moral system and an increasingly strict separation between good and evil.

And Anger didn’t fit in that new system. He was too impulsive, too rebellious, too strong. And too dangerous. He must be left behind. He must be abandoned. That’s how it was.

Thomas takes a long breath. He murmurs: “What happened?”.

Janus continues.

Remus was dark and wild, but that’s also what made him aware of the dangers. Anger was impulsive and strong and that made him ready to fight every danger. And since Virgil was made of fears, he was the best at recognizing the dangers and warning about them.

The young mind of a child doesn’t want these Sides around. But they were exactly what the preservation system needed. They were the Sides who should’ve worked with Janus.

And so, he took them under his wings.

Janus looks at his hand.

Their union was not made of blood, but they made it of blood. They swore and mixed their blood, like in ancient rituals of brotherhood. And from that moment on, they became a family. They became brothers.

And as brothers, they worked together. All these “untamable” Sides needed was trust and support. All these “terrifying and dangerous” Sides needed was a purpose. All these abandoned, disregarded Sides needed was a home.

Janus gave them everything. He became Remus’ public and made him his main Creativity, the builder of everything they needed, no matter if it was concepts, spaces or ideas.

He became Anger’s teacher and made him his ace in the hole, planner and warrior at the same time, the one who was both able to spark a fire and win a battle.

He became Virgil’s family and made him his ally, his explorer, brave and cautious together, always aware of the world and its dangers, but also strong enough to face them.

(Janus takes a little time, before talking again.)

Was it really a surprise when Virgil told you he was one of us?, he asks Thomas. Not so much, after all. The connection is still here, even though he went his own way. He still remembers everything he learned, he still speaks their language. He still shares their blood.

But things are different too. Things changed. And even though Janus should be a harbinger of change, he refused to see it when it came to Virgil. He denied it and chose to believe nothing was changing. He made his biggest mistake and he’s still atoning for it.

So please, he asks Thomas, be kind to yourself. Take some time. And don't escape from possible changes.

Thomas nods, murmurs a “thank you” and gets up.

Thomas walks away, while Janus still sits against the tree. Then, a sound of something rustling and we see Virgil sitting where Thomas was.

Virgil says that since he was an adolescent, his main focus has always been Thomas. He loved and cared about Thomas and all he wanted was for Thomas to love him.

But he was a villain too. He was Anxiety, the bad guy, the one who should always be sent away. Even when he became the Side in charge, Thomas kept hating him and so did Roman, Logan and Patton. They all hated him.

Despite that, he was happy to be the Side in charge: not only because he was closer to Thomas, but also because it was a great opportunity for his brothers. Maybe, he would’ve convinced them that they didn’t have to be villains or bad guys. They could’ve worked on themselves and become better Sides and, once they proved they were ready, Virgil would’ve introduced them to Thomas.

But they didn’t want to change. They still believed it was okay to be bad guys. They weren’t tired of being seen like this.

However, Janus was very supportive, always by his side, always ready to help, always such a good strategist. Maybe, if Remus and Anger were not ready to reject their roles of villains, Janus was.

And then, one day, Janus just told him he would find a way to introduce Remus and Anger to Thomas. And when Virgil told him they were not ready to improve, Janus said there was nothing to improve. They were already perfect as they were. He was already perfect as he was.

It was like a cold shower for Virgil: Janus still liked the idea of being a villain. In all those years he never changed.

But Virgil was experiencing new things: he was having fun with the Core Sides, they were liking him and Thomas was tolerating him a lot more than in the past. Things were improving and so maybe, maybe he was finally ready to give it a try and become a good guy. Maybe he was ready to get out from under Janus’ wing and spread his own wings.

But Janus kept refusing and insisted on pursuing his own plan, no matter how many times Virgil told him it wasn’t good. And every day there was a new discussion and the more time passed, the less peaceful moments they had. To the point every time they met, there was a discussion.

And when there was their final argument… they just did their worst.

(Virgil takes a second, before talking again.)

He admits he keeps coming back with his mind to that moment. He keeps thinking about what he could’ve done better.

And, every time he thinks about it, he doesn’t know what he could’ve done better. He had so many things to say and even more he wanted to explain: how different the Core Sides were, how Thomas was more willing to work with him, all his hopes for a better future and how kind Patton was with him… but in the end, he never explained any of this. He just said the worst things. And every word he said, was making everything worse between them. And every word Janus said, was making everything worse.

Virgil sighs. They were just hurting each other. And in that last argument, they did their worst.

A sob escapes his lips. He doesn’t know what he could’ve done differently. Maybe, even if something changed, things would’ve still ended the same.

But all he knows is that he regrets every word he said in that last argument. He never considered their bond a joke. He never thought Janus was just a watchdog. He never saw Remus and Anger just as horrible Sides with no potential for improvement. He never wanted to leave and never come back.

Virgil takes a long breath.

He never wanted to hurt Janus. And he never wished to break the bond between them.

Janus hides his face. He takes a long time to reply.

Then, with a broken voice, he just says he never wanted to hurt Virgil either.

On the other side of the tree, Virgil hugs his knees and hides his face too.

_______________________________

END CARD

Thomas enters the living room: his grandparents are there, an old photo album is opened on the table.

Thomas stands in the doorway, a bit hesitant. His grandma lifts her head and sees him, so she reaches out to him.

Thomas gets closer: he says he shouldn’t have ruined her birthday party, but she shakes her head. It doesn’t matter to her. All that matters is that their grandson knows they love him.

That’s why we’re always so insistent, his grandfather adds, we want all the best for you. We want you to grow into a strong, happy man.

Thomas says he knows that. Then, he asks them: do I look strong, to you? Do I look like a man?

His grandma nods. Yes, he looks like a strong man.

Thomas takes their hands. Then, he asks, please trust my strength to pursue my own happiness.

We want to help you, his grandpa says. We’re old, we have more experience.

Thomas nods. He knows that and he loves them for that. But this is his research, not theirs. He should find his own happiness, the one he wants and needs. Didn’t they pursue their own happiness, when they were younger?

His grandma nods.

And did Thomas’ parents do the same, by pursuing a completely different happiness?

Thomas’ grandpa glances at Thomas’ father, his own son, and gives him a fatherly smile. Yes, he admits.

So please, Thomas asks again, let me do this research by myself. Let me search for my own kind of happiness. And let me do it, by knowing that if I ever need advice, I can always ask you.

His grandma cradles his face with the other hand. Okay, she accepts, if Thomas promises to come to them for any advice, they can do it.

Thomas nods: he promises that yes, he can do that too.

Behind him, his brothers smile, his father looks very proud and his mother’s eyes shine with joy.

_______________________________

AUTHOR’S NOTE

This episode is *waaaaay* longer than 40 minutes, sorry not sorry. And, just like Logan’s episode, I didn’t feel like cutting it in half somewhere. Again, this is a conversation and breaking it in half would break the flow. So nope, no breaks.

It was time for Thomas to finally learn more stuff and to close more loosened threads. Virgil and Janus’ story is closed here, the backstory of the Instinctual Sides (and of the Sides in general) is here, the backstory between Patton and Anger is here. And Roman shows how much he improved.

Also, I wanted to give closure to Thomas and his family. And I chose this solution, because I think it’s positive, while still being plausible. Switching his grandparents’ mentality in full would’ve been way too far-fetched, so I chose Sanders Sides’ favorite solution: compromise. I do my things and if I need help I’ll ask you. That’s not a perfect ending, but it’s better than how it was.

And the idea of compromise is also a sign of how Thomas improved and how mature he became. Balance isn’t a dream anymore, the Sides are more understanding, more free, more willing to cooperate. And, in some cases, more willing to forgive past mistakes.

( Support me on Ko-fi )

_______________________________

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[milo-is-rambling]

I see my fathers corpse when I close my eyes. Words I never thought would leave my mouth are now exiting. I am begging to some higher power I do not believe in to make this all stop. I am holding the knife to my chest to my hips to my throat. I do not split the skin. I stare at old scars, I tug at my scalp. I pick my cuticles until I cannot move without breaking fresh skin. Days pass faster and slower than ever before. My mother is doing better with her husbands death than I am doing with my fathers. I didn’t even like him when he was alive. He is burning a hole into my chest. This large ache I cannot fill. I need to find another angry horrible man to fit into this space. I fear I am taking the role myself. I am bitter I am lost I am cursing the gods I am driving myself off the bridge I am screaming until my throat is raw I am smiling telling my mother what to wear on her date and when she leaves I collapse in on myself like a dying star. I am sucking everything into my darkness and calling it love, calling it rebirth, calling it redemption. I am struggling and wearing it as a badge of honor. After you have survived a suicide attempt you can see yourself as a god among men. I cannot hold a job or someone’s hand. But I am alive. I am still breathing and that in itself is my religion. I cannot get myself to cry even if I wanted to but the second I open my mouth and speak of him i feel an itch at the back of my throat my chin is wiggling I am holding back the tears as they threaten to pour over. I am all anger and sadness. We used to say my father only had one emotion and it was anger I am his little girl I am his disappointment I was nothing and he loved me despite despite despite. He never liked my brother after he went to college I feared that if I ever went away and came back he would hate me too. I never left. Dropped out of high school and spent most days talking to him. I saw through this emotional mask. I sat in the back of the car last January while my parents smoked and talked. My father talked about his father. My mother reminded him that we are no longer children. I sat in silence. I felt I could’ve been strapped into a car seat, pitifully small. My mother passed me the joint as my father tears up. She didn’t notice. He put all this effort into being likeable when we were young and once we formed our own personalities and weren’t parroting him he decided he didn’t care anymore.

Am I the same way? Am I growing away from my friends or are they no longer playing into my ego and I’m just as miserable as my father. I need to catch my breath. I need to remind myself what is real. I need to forget where we keep the knives. I need to forget where he kept the knives. I need to forget that he held the knife out to me and was proud when I took it in my hand. He wanted me to be angry. He trained me like a fucking dog. Every peer a competition every teacher a source of praise every stranger a friend every family member an enemy. His go to advice was “beat them up” I carried it with me through high school. I carried this violence in my chest that my parents did not know what to do with. My brother and I threatened each other like it was a sport. I always got the last word. Shocked silence at the dinner table. Storming away. Slamming doors. I was the violent presence in my house it was never my father he passed the torch when I was so young that I forgot if it even burned me. I still have the scars to prove that it did. All this violence. Getting scolded when I projected and so I put it all inside. I hacked away at my skin in the dark. Those were the quiet years. Family dinners. Long silences. Friends lost touch. Strangers calling me wonderful things. Strangers years older than me. Men with the same anger in their hearts as me. As my father. Men who talked about fights they got into and how sexy my voice was. I was twelve. I felt wanted for the first time in my whole life. My parents found the messages. Didn’t look me in the eye for two years. I knew what they thought of me. Dirty foul slut who was asking for it. And I was in a way. Asking for power asking for praise asking for anyone to be more broken than me. Is this the price of girlhood? Am I meant to be full of rage? I am still that child watching my mother read through my phone in horror. Listening to her cry through the walls. She asks what she did wrong she asks what she ever did to make me do something like this. The anger in me was something that spread like a disease. My first real girlfriend once got so mad that she smashed her phone with a brick. I had this sick joy in my chest knowing there was someone like me. Is it really sickness when there’s two of us? Partners in crime is still just two criminals. We tore each other apart and left no identifiable evidence. My mother tells me years later that my first girlfriend was crazy. I tell her about the way I treated her. The way I drove her to behave that way. The way I didn’t know what I was doing and so I tore her apart with my teeth. I still have scars on me from the guilt. I use it as an excuse to ignore the way I treated her. I hurt myself because she hurt me. Well who threatened who? Who said they were going to kill themselves because of the way you treated them? Because you were leaving them? I remember my shaky hands calling her mother and telling her to call out of work that night because I was afraid she would do something horrible. That guilt follows me everywhere. Being angry feels like getting in touch with who I was then. Who I hurt and how I hurt myself.

I grew up and lost more friends. Grew more and thought I finally had it figured out. Lost friends again. Each loss felt like a blow to the chest. I wanted so badly to be mad at them. Be mad at anyone but myself. I know I am to blame for the way others react to me. I do not hurt myself but I am constantly thinking about it. Some days I shower just a bit too hot and think about your touch. Some days it’s enough just to think of him. Some days I have to hold the knife in my hands and put it back down again to truly hurt myself. It hurts more to deny myself the blood than it ever did to create these scars. When I hold the knife I am brought back to when it all started. Scale in the bathroom with a notebook beneath it. Weight listings. Up then down then up and up and up again. Couldn’t get it to go back down. The word fat carved into my thigh. It’s mostly faded now but when I hear your knock on the door it all comes rushing back to me. Don’t notice don’t notice don’t notice. Ignore the blood. Ignore the tears. Ignore the way I am shivering under your touch. I deserve this. My mother sits me down at the dining room table. She washes my sliced up arm with alcohol and apologizes for the sting. She wraps me with a long bandage and tells me that just because I cut myself doesn’t mean that I don’t have to do my math homework. I had never wanted to die as badly as I did then. Thirteen and sobbing onto a placemat from dollar tree, better than my tears staining the wood table. My father never got mad at me for being depressed like my mother did. I know somewhere in him the same sadness resided. He may not have cut himself but he found other ways to hurt. He has tried every drug he could get his hands on. He’d pick every fight that wasn’t his to win and haggle until everyone in his life was miserable. It’s a wonder my mom never left him. It’s a wonder she hasn’t left me. When i close my eyes I see my fathers corpse. My greatest loss. My greatest disappointment. Forever wondering what could have been. I wonder if when my mother closes her eyes she sees me instead. Sees me as a young kid with bleeding wrists or as a disgusting slut calling men twenty years older than me Daddy online just for a chance at affection. I wonder what about me disappoints her the most. I still imagine myself dying before her. I do not know what I would do with myself if I had no parents left to disappoint. The knife so close at all times just begging to see the blood. The car full of gas and waiting to be at the bottom of the lake. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe I always have. Maybe it’s hereditary. Maybe it’s all me. Maybe it’s always been me. Maybe the knife is the only family heirloom I have left.

[caffernnn]

so i searched the meaning of kiyofumi's name and it prob translates to something like "pure message" (the kanji for "kiyo" meaning "pure"; "fumi" is "sentence, letter, writing, or literature"). makoto's name means "truth", and there's something about this parallelism the way it also parallels patroclus, whose name means "glory of the father", and cleopatra, name with the same roots and meaning in origin, the most beloved wife of the king meleager, to whom achilles is compared, in fame, glory, the way they were wronged, the way they acted about it, and the way they only listened to their respective beloveds. the king was doomed when he didn't listen early enough to his wife, and achilles was said to face the same faith if he would not listen to patroclus.

makoto and kiyofumi are supposedly the reasons their respective best friends swim [kiyofumi's support to azuma; makoto's feelings reaching haru] , and like, if the foreshadowing in s3 was pushed through (and with this kind of coincidence in their name etymologies) with haru paralleled to azuma, then makoto would most definitely the kiyofumi parallel. all i'm saying is that mh patrochilles au is canon, the way the patrochiles parallels have their own counterparts in the free! universe.

achilles [meleager] = haru [azuma]

patroclus [cleopatra] = makoto [kiyofumi]

it's 11 and i just had to tell you so forgive my ramblings

I love getting to hear about your different AU ideas because the comparisons and characterizations always seem to get to one of the most compelling parts of their dynamics: where the emotional tether and guiding light for Character A resides in the hope and balance gained from Character B’s presence (which is a double-edged sword to wield that we see can lead to tragedy). Kiyofumi and Ryuuji’s story is interesting to look at in comparison with Makoto and Haru now that we know FS2 didn’t go for the kill by making it a direct warning (RIP to the Makoto-gets-hurt theories). So, how much of it is meant to be taken as a parallel between situations? We arguably get to see a glimpse into what both Ryuuji and Haru are like when their centers are taken away from them (caring about the water, but taking a break from it when they’re so lost. Holding the weight of swimming in an obligatory manner on their shoulders when they’ve lost sight of the “why…” not being able to consider a return until they can reconnect with who they’ve lost or create a new center for themselves in their stead). Ryuuji was lost until he decided to go into training, and then find a passion project of sorts with Haru (man really said “oh he’s just like me fr let me study him). Haru was lost once when he didn’t know what to do after graduation (plus the fireworks fight giving clarity to how lost and disconnected he really was from his emotional center and biggest support), and he gets lost again in FS when he gets tunnel vision toward having to “get stronger” on his own. What is worth looking at is that latter situation, because this one comes after the precedent of Ryuuji’s story. Since the parallel wasn’t to denote Haru choosing between his bonds or his professional drive (at least not in a clear-cut way), then what do we do now with Chekov’s mentor-sob-story?

I’m a broken record at this point (and will end up saying it again when more people see fs2 and want to talk about it) but so much golden potential lies in the timeskip. There could’ve been something so valuable in getting to see Haru parse through his feelings when forced to rehab and be on-pause for a minute. Not only the talks with his friends to figure out how to proceed forward without falling apart (cough cough Sousuke cough cough Nao) or figuring out a new dream for himself (cough cough Makoto cough cough Natsuya), but also !! potentially !! an actual talk with Ryuuji that isn’t just cryptic warnings or advice given pre-breakdown. I’m not saying that it’d fix everything or that sticking with Ryuuji long-term is the best idea, but I think there’d be something worthwhile in getting to hear what his coach thinks now that he’s not consumed with his own side-story and saw firsthand that Haru needs a specific type of support and hands-on guidance that he wasn’t necessarily receiving before. If anything, he can talk about how he rebuilt his center and chose to become a coach/trainer (iirc he mentioned that story to Makoto in s3 but idk if he ever did tell Haru much??). Some sort of anecdote to reinforce that there are many ways to return to the water. Idk, there’s something there!!

Aaaanyway, makoharu patrochilles parallel real and valid 😌 love how mh are Just Some Guys™️ but also the perfect vessels for tragic devotion and deathly obligation

[adamwatchesmovies]

Bumblebee (2018)

Calling Bumblebee the best of the live-action Transformers movies is faint praise. Even if you consider the 2007 film's action sequences and special effects/character designs, the bar wasn’t high. It's a shame. This is what a movie translation of the series should’ve been from the beginning. It focuses on just a few characters (including a charismatic lead) and builds their relationship using methods that have worked before but are no less effective.

On the robotic planet Cybertron, the Autobot rebels are on the verge of defeat at the hands of the cruel Decepticons. Young Autobot scout B-127 lands on Earth to establish a new base, only to be ambushed and critically injured. Disguising himself as a 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, the amnesiac "Bumblebee" is discovered and repaired by Charlie Watson (Hailee Steinfeld), an 18-year-old music lover and car enthusiast.

The obvious comparison is to both E.T. the Extra-terrestrial and The Iron Giant. A lonely child befriends an alien who must be kept hidden from the authorities. Shenanigans ensue when it’s left unsupervised because it acts more like a child than a member of an advanced species. There are a few times when entire scenes in Bumblebee feel like they’ve been copied and pasted from those other stories with only the names swapped out. This means the best it can get is a bronze medal while Spielberg and Brad Byrd’s movies duke it out for a combined gold. That’s ok. This movie is miles ahead of the next contestant and the Autobots/Decepticons bring some new ingredients to the mix.

It’s a prequel, which means the plot’s set in the ‘80s. Rather than feeling like a cheap bid to exploit nostalgia, it really works here. The Transformers is an ‘80s franchise and setting things in the past allows us to get back to its roots in multiple ways. Aside from Bumblebee and the Autobot leader, Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen), all the characters are new. We’re not trying to tie up the innumerable loose ends created by the "previous" movies. We’re just telling one effective story centered around friendship and personal growth. The big threats are Bumblebee being discovered by U.S. Army Colonel Jack Burns (John Cena, a great choice for this role) and a pair of villainous Decepticons (voiced by Angela Bassett and Justin Theroux). Charlie’s summer job at the carnival - though crappy - also makes you recall simpler times. Gone are the bathroom jokes, the dubious roles for women and visual minorities and the cacophony of shredded metal while entire cities are laid to ruin.

Then there’s the music. Throughout, we hear great tunes - and not simply the usual “best ofs”. This soundtrack feels like it belongs to Charlie. They help flesh out her character and her relationship with the alien robot. It helps that Hailee Steinfeld is a gem. You just want to walk up to her and give her a big hug, particularly when she’s lamenting the death of her father (a subplot that’s nicely handled by the director and the actress alike).

The action scenes we do get are clearly shot and remain tense because we care about the characters. You want Charlie to survive. You also want her to overcome her grief, make friends, maybe even fall in love with her shy neighbor, Memo (Jorge Lendeborg). You like Bumblebee because the amnesic robot is funny and because he's kind of cuddly in a "child-like giant metal man that can inexplicably understand English" sort of way. Yes, the bulk of the times we saw the yellow 'bot he was in some bad stories but you still have a bond with him, one not unlike Charlie’s.

Upon initial release, Bumblebee was merely billed as a prequel to the franchise. I say ditch those other stories and keep going with this route. While it may be slightly derivative of other projects and the mechanical villains could’ve been developed further, this is solid ground on which you could start a franchise… for real this time. (On Blu-ray, September 18, 2020)

[cremthehive]

Sun in My Eyes; Chapter 2  {Viktor X Fem!OC }{SFW}{1.8k}{Modern!AU}

Summary: Eveline is in the anxiety inducing homestretch of her last year before she graduates with her degree from the academy. An opportunity to work with Hextech’s founders lands right in her lap, which she gladly takes. Only to find out a beautiful stranger she’s been seeing around campus, drawing, and obsessing over... is her boss.  CW: Slow burn asf! Talks of anxiety, pining, college stress, cursing A/N: Chapter two is here, ahhh! I hope everyone is enjoying it as much as I am; feedback is more than welcome if you guys have any!

Nothing could’ve prepared Eveline for the thought process that was looming over her head, giggling like a school girl while she kicks her feet wildly before having the revelation that this man could be her boss. The stranger now named Viktor examined the classroom, offering no wave but a subtle nod instead. When those golden eyes of his skim over Eveline in the back, she averts her gaze to the table below her. With her pages of work strewn around in front of her, it was hard to ignore all of her drawings standing out to her like a sore thumb. Insecurities plague her brain as she starts to nitpick over her work. The stress was getting to her in the worst way. It was like this opportunity popping up caused a ten car pileup of stress, anxiety, and her exhaustion catching up to her. To say Eveline wasn’t prepared would be an understatement at this point.

You really can only say you’re ready to move on from a particular chapter in your life until the next chapter pops up, making your statement completely false. Next thing you know, you have new kinds of stress that you have to adjust to and it’s an endless cycle. Like, what if this guy becomes her boss, and he is an utter creep who follows poor Eveline home and kills her in her sleep? For her father’s sake, she didn’t even think of that being an option. Potential love interest gone absolute killer.  

But what if he was kind? Helped her when things got rough, bandaged her scraped up knees when she fell and made a mistake? What if there was all these new stresses, but there were all of these rewarding things to look forward? She could help people, make a difference, help those who need the most help. Positivity finally opens a door after all the hardship you go through and welcomes you with big, open arms. Eveline closes her eyes at the pleasing thought as she brushes the loose strands of her hair that framed her face behind her ears to join the rest of her hair clipped with a claw.  

Get a grip, focus on the task at hand. There isn’t time for playing pretend. This is job or death time. 

At this point, Eveline couldn’t even listen to Jayce’s introduction to the project which was probably, obviously important because her thoughts were a screaming crowd of jesters that insulted and encouraged. Breathe, relax your jaw. 

Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. Take this deep breath. Then another. Finish with a third while your shoulders relax. The perfect, cautious lines and curves of Eveline’s work help her to focus on something other than the cold, death-grip that anxiety had a hold on her brain. Look up, focus. Jayce talks with his hands a lot. He’s excited about this project because he’s getting somewhere with his dream. His best friend is at his side, and all of these people that told him it was forbidden and he couldn’t, were praising him now. 

“All of the work you’ve put in will be turning into real buildings, it will be paid off. Your jobs are not just drawings which you’ve been doing for the past how many years, they’re art. Plus, you’ll be able to get an inside look on what Hextech really is and what these Hexgates are for. Remember, that these are in the works, but we’re pretty close to being finished.” Jayce was confident, but he was nervous standing in front of everyone. There was sweat on his forehead travelling down the side of his face. Nervous chuckles ended plenty of his sentences, but he never let that slow him down. He takes a deep breath before turning to Viktor. “Viktor, anything to add?” He asks. Viktor leans on his cane with a thoughtful look before nodding.  

“To make this easier, we’ll go down the roster that Professor Viola has provided us. Once your name is called, you’ll come to us and present your pieces.” The rich accent rolls off his tongue, that Lanie and her friends obnoxiously swoon over.  

“So, as soon as everyone’s ready, which I’m assuming everyone is, we’ll get started.” Jayce adds in, looking around the room for people who weren’t ready. Which was half the class but no one was really prepared for this big opportunity.  

“Great. Alright, Juliet Arquette.” Jayce calls, the girl sitting next to Eveline standing and making her way to the front with her work.  

Eveline sits impatiently as the first few people go up, both Jayce and Viktor looking through their work with compliments and small talk. Viktor writes down notes for each person while making sure everything looked good to Jayce. All Eveline could do was sit there and trying to fight back the overwhelming feeling to get up and fucking run. No, she was going to endure this. If this fails, at least she tried and that’s more than okay. The important thing is that she gets her foot in the door and shoves it open before it closes again.    “Eveline Conti.” 

Okay, let’s do this. Eveline stands with confidence, gathering her amazing work before she heads down the steps. A smile graces her lips as she approaches the two men. Her gaze gravitates towards the cane again before trailing up to Viktor. Oh gods, how the hell was he even more attractive up close. The way his eyebrows were tweaked with concentration on finishing the note he was making about the person before her was inspiring. The mole above his lip catches her eye, threatening her mission by plaguing her mind with thoughts on what it looked like right before they kissed but she sets herself straight. Don’t be weird. 

“Hello. I’m Eveline. It’s nice to meet you both.” Eveline greets, taking Jayce’s hand as he offers it to her to shake it. Viktor’s head lifts up finally—taken aback as he looks her over. He eventually nods towards her with a smile. She gets the hint and simply offers him back a smile. 

“It’s nice to meet you! I’m safe to assume that this is your final year, correct?” Jayce asks, Eveline nods excitedly. 

“Yes. I’m pretty excited to be done with this chapter. I’m ready for the next one, whatever that chapter may be. Speaking of which, here is my prints for you to look through.” Eveline splits the pile and hands each of them a half. As much as she hated that public speaking class she took, it was proving to be super helpful in this moment. “If you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.” She adds as the men took their halves.   Silence falls over their part of the room. Eveline swallows hard as she watches them look through her works with unreadable facial expressions. Not bad expressions, but not good either. More like poker game neutral. Viktor quietly sighs through his nose, pausing to make a note. Jayce leans over to look at the words being scribbled on the page with an approving noise. “Your designs are a unique type of elegant yet modern. They really know how to catch someone’s eye.” Jayce comments as he looks over her print of an observatory. Her favorite print was in Jayce’s hand, making her heart beat faster than ever. He flips the page over to look at the interior plan of it. Viktor looks over at the observatory print. “I see what you mean.” He mumbles, making a note. It felt like finals all over again. Like your peers dissecting your every stroke of writing, every answer, preparing to harshly put down the wrong answer in red. Time ticks slowly as Eveline felt herself start to sweat.   “Thank you. That one is special to me.” She mentions it casually, clasping her hands together to twist her fingers around themselves.  After a few more moments of Jayce and Viktor going over the work, they work together to put it back in the right order and hand it back to her. “Thank you for allowing us to look over your work. What’s a good way to contact you?” Viktor asks Eveline, looking up right in her eyes.  “Uh...” Eveline hesitates, his eyes capturing her. They were so pretty. So golden. Viktor shifts in his seat under her stare, his eyes peering back down to his notes. Her cheeks heat up violently as she realizes she was staring. Say something. Hurry up and say something.  “My phone. You can call me or text me. It should be next to my name on the roster. Or I’m usually around campus before 5... if you are even available to leave.” The words finally make it out of her mouth. “Sounds good. We’ll contact you by the end of the week.” Jayce reassures her. “It was good to meet you, Eveline.”  “You too.” Eveline nearly whispers, turning to make her escape with her cheeks red and her heart racing.    Class went by quickly after that. There was so many emotions making their way through Eveline; it was like she was back to being a hormonal teenager. Everyone stands as soon as the professor dismisses the class. She turns back to Jayce and Viktor to finish their small conversation. A smile stuck to the older woman’s face as people started filing out of the room, placing their portfolios on the desk where they originally were. Eveline gathers her tote bag, slinging it over her shoulder while grabbing her portfolio. Just have to be close to him one more time, then you maybe don’t have to think about him for a while. Walking up to the front of the classroom, Eveline drops off her portfolio before turning towards the door. Almost there, five more steps. She smiles at the three people standing there, taking an extra moment to remember where the mole was placed on Viktor’s lip as she started to walk.  “Eveline, wait just a moment.” Professor Viola’s voice breaks her stride. Eveline pauses, turning towards her. “Sure.” She responds, tucking her hair behind her ear. Viktor watches her hand’s every moment, his fingers twitching. Jayce turns towards Viktor, the two silently conversing with a nod. With that excited smile plastered on Jayce’s face he turns to Eveline. Viktor stands with the support of his cane, handing her an envelope. 

“How would you like to design the Hexgates and work for us?” Viktor asks. 

Eveline’s eyes widen, blinking a few times. No. Am I dreaming? Viola is grinning now, her hands clasped together as she waits for Eveline’s answer. This is it, this is my ticket. Eveline’s mouth opens to say something then closes again. Her head shakes as she takes a breath. With confidence, she nods her head as she looks up to Viktor.

“I would absolutely love to.”