#like this woman for example. would. i am in gay pain

[cloud-based-and-rainpilled]

Character development is using other people’s failures and instead of just ha-ha reacting actually applying it to the decisions I make in my life

[runerapier]

If you don't mind me asking, what makes you interpret Angeal as anything other than a straight man? He's the least gay character I've ever seen and he doesn't act gay either.

I'm going to assume this isn't sent in bad faith but this is pretty on point with the definition of stereotyping. I mean if you’re defining being gay by how someone looks or acts that is your first problem. Angeal has very outwardly masculine actions and appearance, I’m not really a fan of the insinuation that masculine men don’t “look” gay enough. Angeal isn’t even a hyper masculine or toxic masculine character, he is almost always described in a way that is seen as nurturing or caring. His own fan club compared his hobby of cooking to that of a wife. Things like gardening are often seen as more a “feminine hobby.” This isn’t to say Angeal breaks insane boundaries but Angeal isn’t this rigid masculine character in the first place. Besides my personal headcanons, Angeal and Genesis' stories take quite a bit from The Fall of Mankind (and religious and mythological symbolism in general but I'm going to try to stay on track). They purposely made two male characters represent Adam and Eve, and this isn't the first time they have done something like this in a final fantasy game. For example: while they are more developed than Genesis and Angeal, characters like Fang and Vanille are based on the Nordic myth of Ragnarok. There is a lot of information that couldn't be included in the final game of Crisis Core but is still intended canon, I'm going to be using a lot of that as a reference point. The full explanation is pretty extensive and I'm also not an expert on The Book of Genesis. I tried my best to do research for this, but it is possible I am still missing things and that this can still be expanded upon.

I'm going to start off by giving a deeper explanation on how Angeal represents Adam and how Genesis represents Eve. Genesis already has a very strong connection to The Book of Genesis because of his name. Rhapsodos comes from rhapsody, his full name is literally "genesis reciter". Genesis and Angeal were the first two attempts at an artificial “cetra” created by Shina representative of Adam and Eve being the first humans created by god. (While there is some debate if the first woman is Lilith, she is often been seen as a demoness.) The kanji for Shinra already is a direct reference to god, and is symbolism for how they like to play god themselves. The image below has a great explanation that is much better than what I can do, but to keep it short 神 (shin) literally means god or divine and 羅 (ra) is derived from 網羅 (mōra) which means "encompassing".

The fruit of knowledge is typically portrayed as an apple, which connects with banora whites. It represents temptation, Genesis offers the apple to others when talking about truth and revelation. Instances like in Nibelheim, Genesis offers the fruit to Sephiroth after telling him the truth of his origins. Sephiroth rejecting the fruit is a sign of him rejecting the truth, and we see he continues to go along with a story he is happier with. Sephiroth decides to believe misinformation that is less painful, the rejection of knowledge is indication he is not Adam or Eve.

Banora is heavily connected to the flow of the lifestream, which is what makes Banora whites grow any time of year. The lifestream is said to contain knowledge of the planet and its people, that being what powers the fruit further reinforces the idea that they represent the fruit of knowledge. Banora being the source for what is essentially miracle fruits powered by the planet, it is clear Banora is meant to be Eden.

Minerva is said to be sleeping in the caves of Banora, she represents the will of the lifestream. Though Minerva is connected more to Roman Myth and Sophia from Gnostic belief, I would still say she emphasizes the holiness of Banora's land.

Angeal has a story about not stealing to reflect Adam trusting god and not taking from the garden. God's words to Adam were "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, for when you eat from it, you will certainly die." (Genesis 2:17) Angeal stole from other trees besides the big one that had the most delicious fruit. While it can be argued Angeal didn't steal from Genesis in general, Angeal's story focuses solely on the biggest tree with the most tempting fruit, that tree represents the tree of good and evil. At the end of the game, Zack eats an apple under this same tree with Genesis, protagonist and antagonist sharing from the same tree. Shortly after eating the apple Zack learns the truth about how long it's been and leaves to meet his fate.

Hollander approached Genesis with the truth of his origins, convincing Genesis to help him with his plans in exchange for a cure that Hollander never had. Eve was afraid of eating the fruit and dying because of what God told her, but the serpent convinced her she would live. “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:4-5). Both being deceived, they were convinced that they would live if they defied God, and become the catalysts for knowing the truth. Eve did not want to be alone in her defiance so she looked to Adam, much like how Genesis approaches Angeal to persuade him to take revenge against Shinra.

Besides Eve being referred to as Adam's wife, Adam also placed his trust in Eve above god. He decides to listen to her and trust her despite his creator telling him he will die. Angeal places his trust in Genesis above Shinra when he decides to defect, believing he can rationalize with him despite this being high treason.

This has happened before already, Angeal placed his trust in Genesis above Gillian and defies his mother to join Shinra. Gillian didn't want her family to be connected to Shinra and despite how highly Angeal respects his mother he still defied her wishes for the sake of following a dream with Genesis.

This leads into the next part, less about how they parallel The Book of Genesis and more about how they parallel other characters in the narrative. This makes me a little nervous to talk about so I’m going to put a small disclaimer that I am not arguing for any canonicity of ships because I think it is a waste of time. However, I think discussing characters' feelings that push their motivations is important.

In the narrative, Angeal also greatly parallels Cloud, I feel like this isn’t something that is talked about enough in general. They share a great deal of small parallels like both enjoying landscape photography, being associated with wolves, and elementally representing lightning. Besides surface level things, both Angeal and Cloud have a guilt complex and feel responsible for the people around them. The main parallel that’s important to this conversation is their childhood friend from the same countryside town.

Cloud was inspired by Sephiroth and his desire to protect people he loved like his childhood friend, Tifa, to join soldier. This is similar to Angeal joining to be with Genesis; their childhood friends are motivators for both of them.

This is something that’s pointed out in DFFOO as well, Angeal hears about Tifa and immediately draws the connection.

Both Cloud and Angeal feel responsible for protecting and looking after their loved ones, Angeal is seen as a caretaker type for this reason. Both Cloud and Angeal want to help fulfill the dream of their childhood friend, Tifa's was being saved by a hero and Genesis' being to share an apple with his hero Sephiroth. We see this when Cloud berates himself for not being the hero Tifa wanted and Genesis telling "Angeal" the dream has been fulfilled implying it has been something he knew about and wanted to help him achieve. Angeal's will in Lazard only fades away after Genesis said the dream came true, like there was a sense of fulfillment and that he could finally pass on after holding on for so long.

I find it interesting they intentionally draw parallels between Genesis & Angeal and Cloud & Tifa, people who have more explicit romantic feelings. I think Angeal and Genesis are supposed to represent a more “genuine” version of Cloud and Tifa’s relationship. Angeal represents the story cloud wanted to have throughout ffvii, having a childhood friend who never grew apart, who stayed together, and who followed a dream together. Angeal genuinely made soldier, and for a time he felt like he was in control of protecting others unlike Cloud. This contrast stays until the end, Cloud and Tifa learn to repair their relationship while Angeal and Genesis fall apart. Despite having everything Cloud wanted, it was not enough to sustain. This contrast is important in emphasizing that it is not about your background or your past, it is about what you do now and having people to fall back on. None of this is meant to be used as proof Genesis and Angeal are canon, but rather talk about Angeal's strong devotion and feelings for him since he was at least a teenager. They do not perfectly replicate the fall of mankind but it is interesting nonetheless. Here's to hoping we get to see more of how they interact in ever crisis.

[morganski-19]

"I'm straight"

Yeah, sure you are dude.

Jokes aside, I know exactly what logic both Eddie had in this scene, and also why the writers chose to include this.

Eddie says it because he truly believes that he is straight. He grew up in a family that shoved traditional gender roles down his throat. He grew up in a society that would not have accepted him. Going with the rough estimation Eddie did for his last confession, which was 23 years ago, that would have been 2001. That man was growing up in the 90s through the 2010s. In Texas. He was taught that being gay was wrong.

And what do queer people do when they are taught that who they are is wrong? Hide and delude themselves that it isn't true.

Eddie believes he is straight. He believes that everything he's felt has been normal for a straight man to feel. He believes that this performance that he does is what everyone goes through. He believes that this guilt he holds is what he deserves for being different, even though he doesn't know what being different means right now. He believes he is straight because there was no other option for him.

Now to why it was written in that he says his sexuality.

It was written to establish that it is what Eddie currently believes because they are going to start undoing it.

As much as it pains me, we live in a society where straight is very much still the default. In every show, there are going to be people who are assumed straight without even saying it, just because it is the default. Just looking at this show alone, there are so many examples of it. Bobby never had to say he was straight, we just know that. Same goes for Athena, or Chimney, or Maddie.

And if we look at the most prominent queer characters from the beginning, Hen and Michael, they don't even say their sexuality unless necessary. Hen just casually drops that she has a wife, and therefore we can assume she is a lesbian. She then confirms that, I believe for the first time, in Hen begins. When it is part of her very incredible speech asking for the old 118 to see her as she is, a black lesbian woman. It was necessary in that moment. Michael only says he's gay because it's important to his storyline. After the coming out arc, I don't remember him saying the specific words, I'm gay, afterward. Because it isn't necessary anymore, because it's known about his character.

Then there's Buck, and the wording he uses to describe himself while discovering who he is. He constantly emphasizes that he was an ally, a very straight term. Even after he figures out that he likes men, he continues to use this term. Because he is still processing the fact that he isn't straight, he isn't an ally, he's part of the community. They put it in when it was necessary for Buck and the audience to work through.

Furthermore, after coming out, Buck never says how he identifies. We as the viewer can interpret him as being bisexual from the way he acts. He has been in very meaningful and real relationships with women, where he didn't show the signs of feeling like a fraud or being guilty in the relationship (for sexuality reasons at least). He doesn't have to say he's bisexual (even though I am begging for him to say it in canon just to hear it) because it isn't necessary for the audience to hear. We already know.

So why is it necessary for Eddie to say that he is straight? Because we as the audience need to hear the before and after. It's no longer going to be assumed that he is straight, because he tells us. It marks what Eddie believes and will have to work through with the audience.

His sexuality can no longer be assumed, it must be stated.

It must be stated so that the general audience knows where he is, and then can follow him as he dismantles it.

[mythsandheather]

It's a story involving Greek Mythology and we have yet to see 2 men dating each other. The LGBT representation in LO isn't really good because even thought Morpheus is a fun character, her being trans was revealed on a Facebook post 😑

And I rather not talk about the "stereotypical background lesbians"

I could not believe my homosexual eyes when I saw the “grooming is good” dumpster fire that is LO being listed and praised on websites as examples of good gay rep. These are the kinds of people who think corporate pride is doing enough, that Rupaul’s Drag Race is all there is to drag and that Harley Quinn is good rep.

The only thing we’ve gotten close to a gay male character, intentionally anyway, is Eros’s annoying ass and he got shoved into an off-screen straight marriage so fucking fast, it’ll make your head spin.

He exists to be a gay best friend stereotype, complete with seemingly nothing to do but roam Olympus all day and night like a lost soul until the next time he and Daphne are called upon to be Rachel’s mouthpiece and salivate over all the cheek-slapping P+H are doing.

Of course some other characters are kind of implied to be queer too, such as Hera and Echo or Poseidon and Amphitrite, but like Eros’s whole ass marriage and child, they get minimal screen time compared to every painful second of every work P+H speak to each other.

And then there’s the one actual canonly gay couple aka the incest lesbian stereotypes. I’m a fat butch lesbian. I know I’m not seeing Rachel make the one token fat woman and the one token butch woman the only lesbians and I know I’m not seeing people hand over their money and praise her for it. I know I am not fucking seeing that shit.

Speaking of unflattering, negative stereotypes…poor poor Morpheus. I can’t remember the last time I saw trans rep fumbled this badly.

Even so, we’re never going to see any openly gay men or any men dating each other in LO. That’s just a fact. Every man in LO is either unquestionably thirsty for Persephone, shoved into the background or evil. Queerness would risk humanising them. Perhaps it’s a good thing.

We all make better headcanons and art anyway.

[koheletgirl]

You talked a little in your post about how you became anti-zionist about the israeli left's aversion to religion, and I've noticed it aswell but could never fully manage to connect these dots. Do you mind sharing a bit more about it?

let me preface this by saying everything i say here is based on my own experience and observations. what i'm going to say here will be oversimplified and i apologize for that, however i am in no headspace to get into the full nuance of this right now and i do want to talk about this.

so the influence orthodox judaism has on israeli politics is a major, major topic that i am going to address a few aspects of here. the first one (which is the least interesting one to me) is the idf. military service in israel is mandatory for every citizen over 18, but haredim are exempt from it. quoting wikipedia here (sorry), "haredi jews maintain that the practice of studying the torah (or reciting) [...] is crucial in defending the israeli people from threats, similar to an additional 'praying division' of the military". to non-religious zionist jews, this is seen as a betrayal. this, combined with laws that allow yeshiva students to live on government allowances rather than working, makes a lot of israelis feel like they're being taken advantage of by the haredim. it's not uncommon to hear people say haredim are "living off of" them.

another aspect of this, which genuinely causes me (and a lot of other people, obviously) pain, is the way jewish law is incorporated into israeli law. you may have heard last year about how abortion is allowed in judaism under certain conditions; this is true, but if i wanted to get an abortion i would have to go in front of a committee to determine whether i meet these conditions. orthodox judaism doesn't allow driving on shabbat, so there is no public transportation on shabbat in israel (shabbat being friday afternoon - saturday evening). if i want to get on a train or a bus on a weekend, i can't. a christian or a muslim living in israel can't either. there is no legal way to get married as a jew in israel without involving the rabbinate, which means that gay marriage is illegal, interfaith marriage is illegal, and so forth (if your last name is cohen, you're not legally allowed to marry a divorced woman, for instance). and worse, if you are jewish and considered married in israel (even if you didn't get married in israel), you can only get divorced through the rabbinate. which means the woman has pretty much no say in this, and there is a phenomenon in israel of women who are married against their will (i recommend watching gett: the trial of viviane amsalem, because it's informative but mostly because it's an incredible film).

these are just a few examples of this. to summarize, the influences jewish law has on israeli law are prevalent as it is, and a lot of the current israeli leadership is seeking to make them even more so. and this reality is very scary to a lot of israeli citizens, jewish or not, myself included.

now, here is where it gets unpleasant. the israeli left is mostly hiloni, non-religious, and heavily opposes all of this. for good reason! but what i have noticed, is that it creates a general aversion within the left to judaism in particular and religion as a whole. it creates a hostility. my relationship with judaism is incredibly complicated, and most of it stems from the fact that i live here. i have friends who feel a genuine disdain for judaism, because of the way it's manifested in israel. and there's a very real fear that one day soon we will become the minority, and find ourselves in an ultra-jewish theocracy. it scares me, genuinely, as a woman and as a part of the queer community. it scares a lot of people.

and this is where it ties to the left's fear of a one secular state solution and the right of return. this very real fear of living in a jewish theocracy, manifests itself in the much less realistic fear of living in a muslim theocracy. i always get to this point when talking to my parents. they ask me if i actually believe that this won't happen if jews are no longer the majority here. and an argument that is always present in conversations about the fear of secular jews becoming the minority is that "they (haredim and other religious jewish groups) reproduce a lot faster than us". sounds awful, doesn't it? but statistically speaking, the more religious you are, the more children you have. and they use this same argument when talking about palestinians.

israelis talk about palestinians as if they're all hyper-religious muslims. we've seen this recently, in israel's attempts at pinkwahing. and they teach us about islam in school, with every islamophobic stereotype you can think of. they showed us "not without my daughter" in arabic class. so islamophobia is rampant in israel, obviously. and what i have noticed with the israeli left, is that even the most progressives of them are still terrified of the prospect of becoming a religious minority, because it's a fear they deal with daily in the face of the current israeli government. that is not to say they're not also islamophobic, many (most) of them are. but personally i think it's fascinating to see how this ties into how oppressed they feel by a religion that they're a part of. how scared they are of religion as a concept. how very concrete fears of where this country is currently headed tie into fears of where a hypothetical multi-ethnic secular state would go.

again, this in no way encapsulates the full situation or even just this issue. it's just something i've been thinking about a lot lately.

[docholligay]

I know GoT only by reputation, and what little I've seen of it on tumblr, but... sometimes, I feel like fantasy, as a genre, has been absolutely ruined by the success of GoT. Everything these days seems to be about making settings and characters as nasty, brutish, and dirty as possible. It's incredibly tiring, and really frustrating, to the point of feeling like these sorts of tropes are being repeated for their own sake rather than because they actually do anything for the story or characters.

(Also, being the sort of person who easily becomes queasy at the sight or thought of blood, and has issues with everything being so darned loud, this tends to be a particular pet peeve in television, but even books aren't completely immune to this effect either, which makes it doubly frustrating.)

I mean this in the nicest possible way, please imagine me saying this with a big smile on my face and laughing as I take a swig from my beer, but you and I are SO diametrically opposed on this!

I mean, anything can be written BADLY, of course, but I fell out of reading fantasy as i got older not because it all became A Song of Ice and Fire but because it all seemed to be "a brave young woman!! IS the chosen one!! And she will prevail over SUPER DARKNESS. And only the parental figure will die, to motivate her, and everyone's intentions and clear and good, and also there are dragons I guess." There's so much narrative safety. There's so many last-minute asspulls to save someone. I would LOVE some well written political machination but there are dragons though. That's why I liked Locke Lamora!

I think we have a tendency to notice the things we hate. So for me, Fantasty now is fucking lousy with ~queer retellings~ that are all very life affirming and nice and all that but all the eating each other out in the world isn't going to get me over the hump of wishing there were actual, painful consequences for being an idiot, or even just unlucky.

Part of why people named Doc, who are me, really like Song of ice and Fire (please note I actually DON'T like Game of Thrones) is that anyone COULD die. The books would not CHEAT TO HELP THE GOOD GUY WIN. And for me, that was everything. As a young teen who had read so so so much fantasy but was starting to feel really resentful of the way it never seemed to mirror the moments of difficulty and pain in life, it meant so much (I think the show edged too hard toward Cheating To Help The bad Guy Win, but that's another matter)

But obviously you and I are totally different people. You admit to being squeamish, so of course you don't care for things that involve violence. I, on the other hand, am an excellent person to have in any given bloody crisis, as I have Done Time in Ag. I am, to give a real life example, the person you calmly call into the kitchen to help when you've nearly taken your finger off with a meat slicer. I have a smile and a "We can handle this!" to give. I, on the third hand, have had life experiences that make, "the magical salvation of being nice and believing really hard" feel like an actual-ass insult. I never met a war that didn't take its chunk, and you don't get to pick where they come from.

These are just differences of personality. Fucking magical princess witches in the forest running from the bad guys but overcoming it all with sass and gay love because we're twelve I guess exists for you, and grimdark machinations toward a lead crown of thorns where evil brings profit and virtue none at all because fuck happiness everyone should be a German concrete salesman is for me. I think there's probably more of what both of us like than either of us are actually admitting.

However, everything is too loud for me all the time also, I really recommend eargasm earplugs, which come with a very small container and are nearly invisible and discreet when in. They block some of the sound but not all of it. Many people in my life casually don't even know I have them or sometimes put them in for louder places.

[partly-hueman]

All about Jazz

I'll admit I have seen exactly ONE episode of I am Jazz and there is one thing that stuck out like a sore thumb. Jaron's mom, (Jaron is his real name) is a psychopath. I don't mean that in a crude name calling way. I'm describing her.

In 2003, when Jaron, "Jazz" was just 3 years old his mom noticed that he kept opening his onsie. She took this to mean he was trying to change it into a dress. She became convinced that her son was actually her daughter and by the age of 5 his mom socially transitioned him into a girl.

It's like if you stumble upon some liberal lunatic who tells you that her cat is a vegan. We all know who made that choice.

Jazz's mom consulted the UK trans lobby group Mermaids. Who has since been exposed as frauds and just downright evil bastards. At a conference in 1998 a Mermaids speaker admitted only a third of children exhibiting gender dysphoria "will grow up to be transgendered adults". Over a half would be gay, she said. And that was 25 years ago, before trans became the latest and greatest cause of the left. http://gender.org.uk/conf/1998/merm

Then she she then took Jazz to see Marilyn Volker, a therapist who had been a sex surrogate. She had sex with her clients, and even married one of them. Top notch care eh? So what was the outcome? Puberty blockers of course. This would help Jazz and his "traumatic gender dysphoria" as his mother calls it.

Once puberty blockers became available Mermaids became Britain's foremost campaigners for their use. But if only a third of kids with dysphoria will become trans adults, two thirds of the kids who get medicalised are not receiving any so-called "benefit" from blockers. Even those who may become "trans" are being harmed. The cognitive impact of blockers appears to be major and irreversible. Young animals on blockers become more anxious and withdrawn. The Tavistock found they made gender dysphoria worse in many kids.

Marci Bowers, Jazz's surgeon and star of "What Is A Woman", has admitted that no child who goes on blockers at the "recommended time" will ever be able to sexually function properly or orgasm. Did you catch that? Thousands of kids are being deprived of their birthright to become a sexual adult.

Why are so-called "trans kids" put through all this pain? I have a theory that the parents and doctors harbor a nefarious subconscious disgust for effeminate boys and butch girls.

Isn't it ironic that gay rights -which began as a movement championing sexual freedom- has been taken over by a cult that now sterilizes mainly gay teenagers, robbing them of sexual freedom?

Jazz has become what we have warned people about for over a decade. At just 21 years old, Jazz has become a tragic figure. Obese, depressed and often suffering from anxiety attacks, he has struggled to form anything remotely like an intimate relationship.

We were sold "Jazz Jennings" by The Church of Transgenderism and it's cult members. "Jazz" is a true success story and is propped up and highlighted as a rousing success of early gender reassignment for children. In truth, he’s been left sexless, sterilized and physically mutilated. Jazz is not an example to follow. His tragic life is an indictment of the trans movement.

[cocklessboy]

Conditional Male Privilege

Not long ago I wrote up a long post about my newfound male privilege when it comes to health care which uh. Kind of broke containment.

This past week I had an experience which reminded me that no matter how much progress I make, my male privilege is still extremely conditional.

There are the obvious points like, I'm gay, and soft, and gentle, and chubby, and short, so a lot of people see me as "not a real man" even if they don't realize I'm trans.

But even in the very situation I used as an example of my privilege before (health care), that privilege can be stripped away in an instant if you get the wrong doctor.

Last week I had to see my GP for an urgent problem: I had covid. (They insisted I had to come in person, though obviously I wore a mask.) I have a lot of chronic health issues, and I wanted to try antivirals to reduce my odds of getting long covid (even though my symptoms weren't too severe). Because it was urgent, I didn't get a choice of which doctor at my clinic I would get to see. And the one they sent me to was a woman with a history of dismissing my chronic health problems and pain as "just anxiety."

I had not seen this doctor since my transition. But as I wrote in my previous post, any female-presenting readers will know what I mean when I say she "talked to me like a girl."

First off, she called me in by my deadname. She is the only doctor at this clinic who does this. Everyone else knows to call me by my real name even though it's not officially changed yet. There's a big obvious note on my file. But she called me in by my deadname (in front of the entire waiting room) and when she saw me, she didn't quickly apologize or correct herself.

I explained the issue: I have covid (they tested me and confirmed it) and I want to try antivirals because my chronic health problems (still in the process of being formally diagnosed) put me at greater risk of long covid.

And suddenly I was a child again, facing a mean lady doctor who wanted to lecture me about how I was wasting her time. She didn't scold me, didn't get angry. She just laughed. She chuckled at every concern I brought up. She raised her eyebrow. She rolled her eyes several times.

She refused to check my file. She refused to take my temperature. She kept telling me to "stop worrying so much."

I explained, calmly, rationally, that I would like to try antivirals to reduce my risk of long covid. She explained, holding back laughter, that I "wasn't that sick" and "it's not like you're at risk." She specified, "It's not like you have an autoimmune disorder or something." I countered, calmly, rationally, that in fact I was at risk, or at least there was a strong chance of me being at risk. That I had a lot of chronic health problems that have been documented for years, that one of my doctors suspects and autoimmune disorder such as MCAS (given that I have bad allergic-seeming reactions to almost everything including most medications, even antihistamines, and severe acid reflux that prevents me from taking most meds that might help me), and that while the process of getting a diagnosis might take a very long time, my symptoms ought to make it clear that I am at a higher risk than a typical person. What's more, it's the middle of summer, in a heat wave, the infection rate being reported is extremely low, and there should be no shortage of antivirals for those who want them.

Refused to check my file. Rolled her eyes. Scoffed. Repeated that I'm not that sick. That I'm not at risk. Put on her "okay, sweetie" voice and insisted that I was fine, that I just needed to "stop worrying", that "covid is mild now," that I just needed "vitamin c and a bit of rest," and that she "wasn't worried."

If I found myself with a bad cough or a fever, I could come back to her (she specified) in a few days for a check-up. I told her I already had those symptoms. I'd been suppressing the cough with menthol candies to avoid frightening the other patients and spewing germs everywhere, but I'd been kept up all night hacking up phlegm.

She raised her eyebrow and told me to take some Robitussin.

I told her I already had a fever, which was going up and down, but at its highest was high enough that adults are advised to seek medical assistance. She rolled her eyes and refused to even check my temperature.

She gave me two prescriptions for the symptoms and sent me on my way. I grabbed them at the pharmacy and looked at them closely when I got home.

One was a nasal spray. I can't use nasal sprays because of sensitivity in my nose, so that one was out immediately.

The other was pseudoephedrine (good, that's good stuff and not available OTC in this country)... combined with Loratadine. A fucking. Antihistamine.

She prescribed this to me less than five minutes after I finished explaining to her that I can't take most antihistamines.

Despite my increased confidence now that I'm on HRT, I still freeze up when faced with a hostile doctor. I have too many years of trauma (and too many autism gremlins) to be able to stand up for myself the way I should. I've tried memorizing the scripts - please write down in my file that you refused to give me this treatment and your reason why, and I would like a printed copy of that when I leave - I feel like you are treating me differently because I am transgender or because you perceive me as female and I would like that reflected in the notes for this visit - etc. But in the moment, all I can think of to say is "but... but.... but....... but I really am sick....."

And I've been masking my autistic traits and hiding my pain and illness for so long that a doctor who has already decided I'm a hypochondriac will always reply, simply: you don't look sick to me.

I wrote to the clinic asking for a written explanation for her refusal to give me antivirals, as well as a request for a different prescription because, "As I mentioned during my visit today," I couldn't take the antihistamine.

She replied by apologizing for the medication error and sending me a new prescription (pseudoephedrine + ibuprofen - you can't get pseudoephedrine on its own in this country). She did not respond to the part about refusing me antivirals.

I have booked an appointment later this week with the good doctor at this clinic, the one who takes me seriously and actually wants to help me. The one who gave me a referral for a pain doctor (something I'm still trying to get an appointment for - there's a shortage of specialists in this country). This time I'm going in prepared. I will follow up with him on my current state, and I will bring notes. I will tell him what happened with his colleague, how it made me feel, and how frustrated I am. I will ask him if there is any avenue for me to lodge a formal complaint. I may not have been able to stand up for myself in the moment, but I will not simply let this slide. It's too late for antivirals, but I will ask him to at least make sure the visit I had last week is recorded accurately in my file.

Fortunately my covid symptoms are mostly gone already and it seems I was lucky. Still, it will be some time before I am 100% sure I haven't gotten any long covid symptoms. And the fact that there was a medication readily available that could have increased my odds and I was refused it for no reason other than misogyny (doubly frustrating when directed at a trans man!) is utterly infuriating to me.

I am still better off than I once was. Most doctors DO take me more seriously now.

But my doctors will always know I'm trans, even when I get my paperwork updated.

And there will always be doctors who treat me like a woman.

And there will always be doctors who treat women like shit.

They shouldn't have talked to me that way. They should never talk to anyone that way.

[obedienttransgirl]

Hello everyone. My name is Amber. I am a 31 year old closeted trans girl. Due to circumstances within my life, I am sadly not in a place where I can be able to transition and live as my true gender. I suffer with depression that I have been living with ever since I was a kid due to being born in the wrong body, OCD, and some trauma from my childhood. I wanted to create this blog so it can be a place where I am able to be myself and not have to pretend to be a man, as well as a way to escape from crushing reality of my life. This blog will contain a mixture of my interests and hobbies, expression of my femininity, and to engage with my kinks.

Before I created this pinned post I used to engage with some kinks that….. well I’m not really proud of. They felt really good and aroused me, and I don’t think I’ll ever get rid myself of desire to engage with, the fact is they made me feel worthless and made me even more depressed. I think I was using them as a form of self destruction because I don’t really like myself that much but no matter how much they turn me on it only made me feel worse about myself. So I went through my blog to delete posts I made or reblogged and unfollowed tags and other people who engaged in those kinks as well. In a way I’m hoping to make a fresh start to my account. If there happened to be people who followed me explicitly for those types of posts I am truly sorry but I no longer wish to take part in those kinks. I think that’s most of what I wanted to say so I’ll finish this post off with a little info about me.

Interests: Video Games, Anime, Metal Music, Alt and goth aesthetic, and cute kitties and cats

Sexuality: I’m bisexual and 100 percent a submissive bottom

Kinks: Gentledom, feminization, mind control/hypnosis, Bimbofication/dumbing down, having someone take control of my life, tell me what to do and to make all decisions for me because they know what’s best for their good girl better than I do. Basically I want to be someone’s obedient good girl pet. And also I love degradation(within reason) and I have a misogyny and patriarchy kink

Hard Limits: Pain play, hardcore degradation ( I like degradation to a degree, like telling me I’m a dumb slut that needs to submit to a man is fine for example, but I don’t like being told that I’m worthless, or disgusting or being told no one will like a freak like me or similar extreme degradation) ,homo and transphobia, pedos, misgendering, and no matter what, never ask me where I live. Other than what country I live in I will never disclose my location. Anyone violates my hard limits and I will immediately block you. Edit: I am personally ok with the term sissy. Most trans women are not and for good reason but I am ok with it but with limits. I am not a sissy fa**ot. I am not a sissy boy or boi or whatever. I am a woman, and if you want to call me a sissy girl that’s fine. But I am not a gay boy, femboy or whatever kind of other boy you can think of. I am a trans woman that happens to be ok with the term sissy. Please respect that.

One last thing, I would love to roleplay as a pet but I will never meet anyone in person nor will I talk via voice chat or show pictures of myself. I am not ready for that and I just can’t do it. I have severe social anxiety due to childhood trauma and I can’t go any further than text chat. I will also never do tributes. If you are under 18 years old, LEAVE THIS BLOG IMMEDIATELY!

I am not looking for masters or mistresses. I’m a closeted trans woman and for now I need it to stay that way.

[qiyra]

hey uhm your addition about faggots being specifically made to cause more pain during witch burnings is just straight up wrong.

like stop spreading misinformation???

it's just a bundle of sticks to use in a fire. that could be your oven at home, a campfire or whatever else you'd need a fire for.

where did you even learn that blatantly wrong information and just accepted it to be true???

Quick answer: you don’t know the etymology of the word beyond the 1300s definition and you’re mad that other people do.

Here’s a resource that semi supports your statement that faggot doesn’t mean what I said, however, historical accuracy doesn’t quite matter when in the face of people actually using the word to mean something else

And here’s an answer that directly references the historical usage. Surprise! It comes from the church!

https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2009/07/a-burning-question.html

Q: I am 58 years old and I learned back in sixth grade that “faggot,” the derogatory term for a gay man, is derived from a term for bundles of wood used to burn witches and anyone else thought to be evil. The last time I looked, Wikipedia pooh-poohed this idea. What’s the scoop?

A: When the word “faggot” first showed up in English around 1300, it meant simply a bundle of sticks, twigs, or small branches bound together for fuel, according to the Oxford English Dictionary.

There was no suggestion that the resultant fire would be used to burn witches, heretics, or anyone else thought to be evil. The word is still used today in the sense of kindling, especially in Britain.

It wasn’t until the mid-16th century that the term was used in reference to the burning alive of heretics. The first citation in the OED, dating from around 1555, is by Hugh Latimer, an Anglican bishop.

In a collection of sermons and other writings, Latimer refers to “a few flying apostates, running out of Germany for fear of the fagot.” (Note that the term here refers to the kindling, not the heretics.)

In the late 16th century, “faggot” also came to be “a term of abuse or contempt applied to a woman,” according to the OED. The first citation for this usage is in a 1591 discourse on the immorality of Athens.

Thomas Lodge, the author of the discourse, uses the term “faggot” in reference to “an Athenian she handfull.” Why would a woman (even a “she handfull”) be called a “faggot”?

The word sleuth Dave Wilton, on his website Wordorigins.org, speculates that the usage “probably comes from the idea of a faggot being a burden or baggage (not unlike the modern ball and chain).”

Not until the early 20th century did the word “faggot” come to mean a male homosexual. The OED describes this usage as “slang (orig. and chiefly U.S.).”

The first published reference is from an entry in a 1914 slang dictionary: “Drag, Example: ‘All the fagots (sissies) will be dressed in drag at the ball tonight.’ “

It’s no surprise, of course, that a term for a woman would one day be applied to a gay man. Another feminine term, “queen,” has been used since the 1890s to refer to a male homosexual.

“Fag,” in this sense, is simply an abbreviation of “faggot.” It’s been around since the 1920s.

In an early citation (from Death in the Afternoon, 1932), Hemingway sneers at “those interested parties who are continually proving that Leonardo Da Vinci, Shakespeare, etc. were fags.”

The noun “fag” has many other meanings today, especially in Britain. For example, it may refer to a cigarette or to a younger student who performs chores for an older one at an English public school.

Why is a public-school drudge called a “fag”? This meaning comes from the use of the verb “fag” in the sense of to work to exhaustion.

As for the cigarette sense, the OED suggests that it may be derived from the use of “fag” to mean something that hangs loose, as in the fag end of a piece of cloth. But where does this hanging-loose business come from?

It seems that an obsolete meaning of the verb “fag” was to droop, decline, or flag. The OED says this sense is of “obscure etymology,” but “the common view” is that it resulted from a corruption of the verb “flag.”

[jackmanifold-daily]

In defence of jackmanifold-daily

better call kettle

Earlier today a despicable, scathing callout was posted by our own mod luigra… it was a painful betrayal for all of us, but thankfully, I can categorically disprove each and every allegation and mistruth contained within this evil post. Smash that like button and lets jump right in

MOD STRAD

Okay I cant lie Strad definitely did that, more than once too. But there’s something that was… conveniently omitted. He got Food Poisoning from the foul dogs. 

Strad is the VICTIM here, and painting him as being the problem is just one example of the egregious twisting of the truth all throughout this callout. 

MOD SNALZ

Maybe I can’t prove that Jackity is a pure and unproblematic ship… but I can prove that the call comes from inside the house…blog, and the crew goes down with the ship…house *epic guitar riff*

In the image provided on the original callout post you can see the usage of the word “y’alls” … which doesnt seem too strange, until you remember that I am BRITISH and would never use the word “y’all” 

No, this tag was typed by someone else… mod luigra itself. My source? Trust me. 

MOD KEY(S)

Frankly, keys has literally never done anything wrong. Keys is a chronic haver of certified 🔑 moments, and is once again being victim blamed here, kinda weirdchamp, kinda gloopydoinky. Everybody wishes they were keys, unburdened by suffering and full of swag, this was clearly a callout spawned from jealousy.

MOD PEP

This is an OLD message, from long before pep had met our beloved keys, who changed their beliefs wholeheartedly. Pep does now ship jack manifold. The lgtbq community has forgiven pep cosmosisfold. People can change, man, thats so beautiful.

MOD TEA

Was that night not dark for us all? During the long, cold jack manifold lore drought? Did it not hurt most of all for poor tea???? Democratically elected owner of c!jack, who made this prediction, only a light joke, to be struck down unwillingly by the gift of prophecy…. also xe is sleeping and cant defend themselves??? You wouldnt call out a sleepyguy. So immoral. 

MOD CASEY

sigh… this is the worst accusation of them all. First of all, martyn is neurodivergent AND a minor. Which speaks for itself. Secondly, As circled in the image above you can see a difference in white colour, the wrong font for discord, the covered up original text. sloppy work tbh

Here you can even see the harshly named channel: martyn-hates-gay-people-and-women created by joy… who first sent this same supposed image… curious. Seems… sus.

MOD LUIGRA

Didn’t think I would made a defence for every mod here and leave the perpetrator out, did you?

No, listen well, good people of tumblr. Despite my clear evidence that the original callout post by the traitorous mod luigra is like, cringe or whatever, luigra is in fact… innocent too (gasp)

Joy is… literally a woman? The only woman on the server, which shows that we really need to do better, im sorry women. God forbid women do Anything. Also she goes through the horrors and maybe even the terrors every day, so, completely innocent. 

Let out that breath of relief, dear follower, you can continue enjoying the jackmanifold-daily blog free of fear, happy april fools <3 thanks for all the support, these guys are my best friends and im glad i got to meet them through this silly blog <33

[patricia-von-arundel]

Okay, here's the thing -

One of the arguments trotted out about people who are trans is that their genitalia may not match their "outward appearance."

(Though honestly, who cares? Does a "masculine" woman get a pass simply for not having a penis? Or a "feminine" man for not having a menstrual cycle? Do we draw the line only at whether you have innie bits or outtie bits??? Because my belly button would like a word, if so.)

Let's talk a little more about that - the genitalia thing.

First of all, one of the "gotcha" arguments is that if you are a gay man, you wouldn't have sex with someone with a vagina, and if you are a lesbian woman, you wouldn't have sex with someone with a penis. Let's keep it simple as that, for the moment, though I realize there are shades of bi, pan, etc., in as many colors as a pride flag. So - simple.

But even there... is it?

It's rarely referenced as dating someone with certain genitalia. Only sex.

But not every relationship, even romantic ones, is sexual. For all sorts of reasons. People may be ace, may have pain during "traditional" intercourse (PinV intercourse), may have trauma related to sex, damage to or development of genitalia such that it isn't possible to have "traditional" sex, may be celibate for their own reasons, or any other reason. Can someone not date, even if sex is out of the picture?

Of course they can.

And here's where the dating-vs-sex thing really comes into play. Those who insist genitalia must be both "normal" and used for sex to qualify as male or female clearly believe "relationship" is defined by "sex."

But it isn't.

And that's something that has to be factored in in using genitalia and sex as defining what is a man or a woman. Especially considering there are conditions where chromosomes don't match up with physical and sexual development. Individuals may have the XY chromosomes generally seen in those with male development and genitalia - but have some or all female genitalia development (aside from the uterus) and secondary sex characteristics (such as breasts). On the other hand, there may also be an individual with XXY chromosomes, and they develop with male genitalia, but few secondary male sex characteristics (such as increased body hair). In either case, individuals are often sterile (though genetic research is slowly finding ways to circumvent this), but regardless, develop female sex organs, male sex organs, or some combination (and there is some debate about including these conditions as being intersex, but I'm not informed enough to speak on whether I would agree with that or not - and regardless, it is irrelevant to my current focus).

Okay - so there are situations where a woman (with female genitalia and secondary sex characteristics) is XY, and situations where a man (where male genitalia and some secondary sex characteristics) is XXY.

So to loop back around, we already have situations where chromosomes don't match the development of sex organs. Already well on the way to having to rethink genitalia = gender. Let's then consider genitalia = sex = relationship.

I'll offer my own preferences as an example: I am physically and sexually attracted to women. If I were to seek a sexual relationship with a woman, would I consider penetrative sex if they have a penis?

Probably not.

But - would I consider having a non-sexual or non-penetrative romantic relationship with a woman who has a penis?

Absolutely!

And here's the thing: if there was someone I was very into as a romantic partner, would I be averse to that if they were 100% asexual and not interested in any sex?

Nope.

Love and relationships are built around partnership. Having a penis (or vagina) isn't what I would immediately discount in looking for that. By the same token, I'd be fine on the other side, if I found myself attracted to and compatible with someone asexual and sex-averse. Sex is not the central part of a relationship, for me, and it isn't intrinsically for anyone else! Again, this is partnership, and partnership is two (or more) people coming to a mutually-agreeable consensus about what each requires in a relationship. That can include sex, too, of course - someone is not a bad person because they do feel there has to be a sexual element to a relationship, just as they aren't a bad person if they never want to engage in any sexual behavior at all. Both are fine! And a healthy relationship is built around compatibility, open communication, and healthy boundaries.

So again - I would not personally want a sexual relationship with a woman with a penis, but that doesn't mean any person in a lesbian (or bi, or pan, or poly, etc.) relationship would share the same preference. There are probably lesbian, bi, etc., women who want penetration, and wouldn't mind or even prefer a penis. Strap-ons exist for a reason! 🤷‍♀️ And it's much the same as wanting a BDSM relationship, an open relationship, etc. - your preferences and theirs need to be considered and a decision reached if the relationship is to remain healthy and happy. Having preferences does not make a person good or bad, nor does it mean anything is wrong with their own comfort zones. Just as you shouldn't have a sexual relationship with someone who wants an open relationship if you would prefer to be 100% monogamous, it's fine to prefer to date a woman with/without a penis (or a man with/without a vagina). And, again, a romantic relationship doesn't have to be sexual at all! Nor does a committed relationship have to be romantic, but that's beyond the scope of this discussion.

The scope, in the end, is this: chromosomes and/or genitalia don't 100% define what makes a man/woman, any more than being into bondage 100% defines BDSM.

There are plenty of people who would prefer a woman with a penis or a man with a vagina, plenty of people who have a preference but not one so strong they can't try to find ways to work around it that are mutually enjoyable for both parties, and plenty of people who do not want a penis or vagina even if they would prefer a sexual relationship. Point being, relationships, like chromosomes, are something that should be considered and agreed upon by both (or all) in the relationship.

Scientifically, intersex people, genetically male people with female genitalia, and genetically female people with male genitalia, all exist. I don't care how you feel about those who are trans or GNC, that is scientific fact based around our current understanding of sex chromosomes.

Saying you prefer not to date a woman with a penis does not mean women cannot have penises. Saying you prefer not to date a man with a vagina does not mean men cannot have vaginas. Some people prefer those taller than them - it doesn't mean, if you prefer tall men, that short men do not exist. And it doesn't mean you can't adjust your preferences or comfort levels based on other aspects of the relationship. There are some who are asexual and sex-repulsed, some who are neutral on sex if a partner wants it, and some enjoy sex even without initial sexual attraction. If these things aren't difficult to understand, and find examples of in your own relationships, why is the line drawn at genitalia as defining gender?

It shouldn't be.

Hi - I prefer women who do not have penises. I would not be in a penetrative sexual relationship with a woman with a penis. Were I in such a relationship, we'd need to discuss how we can either find mutually-agreeable sexual alternatives, or end the relationship as friends who realized their respect for one another means a romantic, sexual partnership where each has different needs is not going to work out, but neither has done something wrong.

Regardless, I still think women can have a penis. Trans women are women, whether they have surgery to change their genitalia or not. Trans men are men. And for all those who shriek about science as justification for their transphobia - check above. Science says women can be XY and men can be XXY.

A relationship is not inherently centered around sex and genitalia. Neither is gender.

Deal with it.

And if you start giving me bullshit in the tags, especially transphobic bullshit, I'm just going to chase you off my blog with an axe. 🤷‍♀️

[bookishlifeofal]

book #47: The Power of Now (Eckhart Tolle)

I planned on doing book reviews and use this blog extensively, but for days I've been doing nothing. Then just today I recognized how nice it would be to see reviews of things I read five or ten years into the future, when I will have read much, much more and will know better than I do now. And then I can pride myself with how far I've come and all...motivational stuff, you know.

First: Why did I read the book?

I saw it on the desk of a friend and in its German translation (Is it a translation? Does Tolle write in German?) I saw it when visiting a relative. Since both people seem to be more spiritually connected, somehow more enlightened and serene (they might just NOT have an anxiety disorder) and I desperately searched for something to save me from my panic attacks and my depressing evenings, I picked it up (more like I found it online for free and didn't hesitate). I expected it to calm me down or give me some kind of help (help that the German health system does not give me right now, for some reason).

Second: self-help stereotypes

I recognize that my expectation might have been a bit high for a book written by a person now making lots and lots of money just selling self-help things (Have you visited Tolle's website?). I am generally a bit wary when it comes to popular self-help books exactly due to this reason: the money-making off of people's struggles. I also feared another thing, which is the rampant individualisation of mental health issues. YOU have to fix what is wrong with YOU, while not even critizing the system (capitalism!) that lies at the foot of these problems.

Tolle's book is no exception to this and it really pissed me off. His methods for spritual enlightenment are inherently very isolating and individualist (and sadly fit right into times where loneliness spreads around like the plague).

Third: gender essentialism and "gay people exist.." + sexism

He is sooooo gender essentialist and the book in general really perpetuates heteronormativity (he proclaims wanting to change the world. Who can change the world for the better without dismantling gender as it exists today?).

example 1: "You are either a man or a woman, which is to say, one-half of the whole." (p.191)

example 2: "Would a women still feel incomplete without a man? ... Enlightened or not, you are either a man or a woman, so on the level of your form identity you are not complete." (p.211)

example 3: "This incompleteness is felt as male-female attraction." (p.211)

He does save himself by mentioning gay people for about two pages and proclaiming that because of their exclusion from society, they're closer to enlightenment. I mean thank you....?

Later on, this gender essentialist thingy he got going on also moves into a kind of weird stereotypical reduction, where he says that women are closer to enlightenment than men (positive sexism?) and then stumbles into a whole rant about how women need to be careful when they're menstruating, because their pain body wants them to not continue on the path of enlightenment (the Now). Even crazier: he states that women's pain body is greater than men's (that's still an okayish claim, but wait), whereas men's mind is stronger. Both the pain body and the mind are obstacles for the Now.

Let's take a closer look on what he claims here indirectly: the pain-body is essentially emotions, brought about by pain experienced in life. He is saying here that women are more emotional than men and wants to kind of form that into a weird positive thing by claiming that it brings women closer to the Now. Wtf?

fourth: the rest

I think that the rest of the book is a lot of repetition. A lot of talk, with great words and all. If you like that, then this is your book.

fifth: the positive

I sometimes found reading the book quite calming and could apply some of its methods directly (concentrating on the Now and realizing that you are a part of the flow of life and meditating on that knowledge). Especially the first part (up until page 100-150) was great. And it felt like I was doing something for my mental health (except the gender essentialism, this part actively felt as if I was spitting myself in the face). And the reading in itself is pretty easy, so if you're looking to heighten your StoryGraph non-fiction count easily (this sentence is not based on my wishes and wants), then this book is for you.

3/5 (only because I hate giving authors less than 3 points)

[erigold13261]

this might sound weird, sorry, but uh how exactly do u write a character’s struggle with their gender (ex.: trans umbrella) and/or sexuality (gay, bi, etc.)?

Made this a lot longer than I meant to, so putting it under a cut. I hope it helps since this is how I do it.

Actually, I realized I kinda didn't answer how I specifically write characters struggles, just how to do it. So basically, for me, I pretend to be that character and just allow myself to have an identity crisis.

Don't know if that actually helps, but I have such a weird fucking relation to my gender and sexuality that it helps me figuring out how a character might react to figuring out their gender or sexuality.

Anyway, under the cut is a lot more information that might help you figure out how to write a character struggling with their gender or sexual orientation! Hope it helps!

Make them confused and experiment? Or make them in like denial or something like that? That's what I would do.

You can also give them imposter syndrome if you want. That can be something people struggle with. Honestly just picking one thing can be a good start since some people only struggle with one part of their gender while others struggle with it on an entirety.

Even just making them ignorant can be a good starting point on why someone is struggling with their gender or sexuality.

For an example I can use 1010 for you, though their struggle with gender comes mainly from being robots and not humans, since I am a human writing them the feelings can be seen as something a human could have.

Haym is a version of imposter syndrome. For him, it's because he was given a male body even though his first body and code was for a girl. So technically he is trans, but he never went through any of the struggle of being trans and feels like calling himself transgender is lying to himself and others.

This can be seen as something an accepted and/or passing trans person could feel. Like a trans woman who who was fully accepted by family and is able to pass as a cis woman might have these thoughts that she never truly struggled and so isn't "trans enough" to actually be in the community.

Which isn't true at all, but because she feels like an imposter (like how Haym feels) then it creates this sort of grey area about how the trans person feels about themself. They are happy to be being their true self, but also feel guilty and afraid that they aren't really trans or haven't suffered as much so they tend not to celebrate their transness or won't participate in queer spaces because they feel they don't belong.

Another situation could be whatever the fuck Purl-hew has going on. They put their safety and comfort of everyone else about their own opinions and feelings.

Purl was a girl who was forced to be a boy, never felt like either because of his robot nature, and so just constantly struggled with the idea of being queer at all, but also never wanted to explore that because they felt they would be alone and isolated.

Even after the rest of 1010 came out as queer before Purl did (even though they were the one to first have any queer thoughts at all), now Purl wouldn't want to come out because it would look like following a trend but they also had the whole "there has to be someone NORMAL in 1010 or else we will die" mentality.

Purl felt safer in normalcy and routine. So breaking out of that routine and safety to be their "true self" was not something they were willing to do until they were forced out of their comfort zone/the closet. And the only reason they were forced was because being in the closet for so long seeing how other people were having fun and being happy by being their "true selves" was so mentally painful for Purl that they just ended up having a breakdown and saying their thoughts about their gender to someone (pretty sure I have it so that it is Zuke that Purl confesses to first).

But before Purl ever even thought about being any flavor of queer legitimately, they were experimenting (with drugs, alcohol, and sex) with the excuse that it doesn't matter because they are a robot. So technically they aren't queer at all.

This is kinda the mentality I see straight men have when they have gay sex. They will say that this doesn't matter because they have a wife and kids, or that because it's a one night stand or a paid prostitute that it doesn't actually count as gay sex. Or even because they are the one penetrating that it doesn't count.

You can have your character try to justify why their queer actions aren't actually queer to have them be in denial of their identity even when they are absolutely experimenting with their identity. And even when they realize that something is wrong, you can have them go into full blown denial and have them jump away from their coping actions or even dive deeper into them if you want.

Even after Purl came to terms with being queer, they still had plenty more to explore about themself. It doesn't always just end when you say you are trans or a lesbian or something like that. You continue to grow and explore yourself to see what is more right (or to see if you have changed over time).

Purl was able to figure out that they were asexual but just with a high libido because of their experimentation. They are probably also more closely tied to agender-ism but prefer the nonbinary label even after all of this time.

Which is another thing you can do. Experiment with labels and show a character's preference.

Haym uses the term bisexual even though he could very well be omni or pan or whatever else like that. Rin uses genderqueer even though it could be agender or libramasculine. Purl doesn't care to be called trans but doesn't mind being called nonbinary even thought nobinary is under the trans umbrella.

You can also a character just be wrong about themselves to show them changing. I'm sure Zimelu for the longest time identified as bisexual before and after she came out as trans because working on BOTH sexuality and gender identity can be difficult for some people.

Like even though Zimelu always liked girls and only girls, I can see her saying she is bisexual because there was one boy that looked kinda attractive to her and so she immediately thought that meant she was bisexual. And once she realized she was trans, now she kinda believed she would have to be bisexual because of a "women are supposed to like men" mentality.

You can have characters just be wrong about themselves and struggle to realize WHY something feels wrong to them. Zimelu, who struggles a bit with being feminine because she was basically built to be "masculine" in a way that shows "negative" emotions such as anger, bluntness, other stereotypical "male" emotions, thought that she would have to be bisexual because she was trying to fit into a more "standard" role by pretending to be heterosexual.

When Zimelu was a man, she could just say she liked woman without a second thought because that was "normal," but as a trans woman, she feels like she has to force herself to like men because that is what a "normal" woman would do.

Thankfully she was able to figure out that she only liked women by just having thoughts about being with a man that felt wrong. So Zimelu never really experimented with being with men. Though that did pose the struggle for Zimelu on whether to call herself straight or a lesbian because she didn't know if transing her gender would affect that label at all. So she tends to use WLW or sapphic probably.

Even with just gender stuff, Zimelu for a bit after coming out did the whole 180 thing where she tried to be hyperfeminine to make up for her "natural masculine" tendencies. This could be a good way to show an identity crisis of someone being fake and not being their true self.

Let's say you had a super badass guy who could kicked anyone's ass and drink anyone under the table. He could build anything from scratch and was your stereotypical man. But then she realizes that she is trans and goes in the complete opposite direction because she feels like she NEEDS to be this way to be seen as a woman. She hates it because it's not who she truly is, she still wants to build stuff or fight people, but those things aren't "lady like" so now you have a character who is having an internal struggle to follow society's standards for gender norms or be true to herself and act similar to how she was before.

Same thing for transmen who start acting like a stereotypical man, trying to overcompensate for their years of being a woman. This is basically an exploration of gender, which is good, but if the trans person ends up keeping the mask on and not being their true self, you can show a real identity crisis as well as a gender crisis as they learn to unpack all the learned cisheteronormative culture they were taught from childhood.

Another thing you can do is to just show ignorance of queer culture in a character. Like Neon J for the longest time didn't have the words or connections to queerness that a lot of modern day people have thanks to the internet. He grew up in a time without internet (or very rare internet for personal use) so he was completely blind to the queer culture that might have been around him but hidden.

He was walking purely on instinct of who he was. Though he wasn't one to really hide who he truly was, but he also thought that everyone wanted to be the opposite gender or likes both sexes. He was ignorant to cishetero-ness as well as queerness. He had no idea why he wanted to be like his big brother or the other guys, or why he would stare longer at girls than the other girls in his class.

Neon J had to do some trial an error, and definitely made some mistakes, but also stayed true to himself and was willing to fight people for what he thought was his true self. He always thought he was a girl, even when he knew something was off. The only reason he even started to think he was a guy truly was when he got into a car accident and his hair and breasts were cut off.

Every time before that he was just kinda playing it off of like "yo lol, what if I was actually a guy? haha!" It was all just jokes and laughs, but I'm sure his friends kinda knew it wasn't and so just always went along with the "jokes" that Neon would say.

Tatiana on the other hand, she knew something was up as a kid and by the time she was a teen was pretty sure she was a woman. Probably because her father was the time to say things like "don't be such a girl" and so Tatiana was able to figure out she wasn't cis even without constant access to the internet or any real queer spaces at a young age.

She had less of an internal struggle with her gender identity as much as she had an external struggle with the world around her constantly telling her she was wrong, confused, just going through a phase. Things like that where she was being constantly questioned and doubted for her identity.

Honestly I sometimes have Neon in this mindset too, though he was more like this with friends, while Tatiana was unapologetically herself with the whole world. The two are stubborn people who are willing to be themselves, but to different degrees.

Neon needed the accident that basically gave him free top surgery to start being himself truly against the world, but he also needed to break free from his past entirely and so moved away and never looked back. He couldn't be around people that knew him before he transitioned because he wouldn't be able to be his true self as easily as he could be with strangers who never knew him as a woman.

Tatiana on the other hand was fighting pretty much the entire time to be her true self and so was okay staying in contact with people who knew her before she transitioned. She also never looked back with her family (which was just her dad as she barely saw her step mother or half brother as family) but did stay in contact with other people who did know her when she was a man.

Both of these characters show external struggle, with Neon also showing a bit of internal struggle while Tatiana was more of a "this is who I am, I am going to change and make it everyone else's problem" kind of struggle.

You can really show all kinds of struggles with characters figuring out their identity. Even having them be sure about one part of themself and questioning another.

This is something I have a lot of asexual and/or aromantic characters go through because trying to see the LACK of something can be harder than actually seeing something in yourself. It's why a lot of asexual people start off saying they are bisexual or pan or something, because they think since they have the same reaction to everyone, that they must be attracted to everyone (not knowing that it was no reaction that they were feeling).

Like Tatiana and Eloni both are asexual (with Tatiana being aromantic), but are totally okay with their gender identity. Tatiana was sure she was a woman, but struggled a bit with relationships. At first she thought she just wanted to grow her band up, but even having one-night-stands and stuff because of her high libido didn't really give her the fulfilment she thought she needed (and just having sex/high libidos are definitely something a lot of asexuals have a hard time grasping. Even non ace people sometimes think if you are asexual that means you can never have sex at all or else you are lying about your identity).

Eloni on the other hand was trying to force himself into a relationship as soon as possible basically because he thought he needed that to complete himself (which was something 1010 pushed for so long that honestly all of 1010 thought this way, that you literally NEED someone to complete you, which Eve also told them was true as well since she believed it too).

Actually, speaking of Eve as well, she kinda falls into the ignorance category but not in the sense that she doesn't know about the queer community, but in the sense she doesn't know about herself. Even though she explored herself thoroughly, and always tried to dive into her mind, she still didn't KNOW about who she was and what she wanted. She couldn't figure out what was wrong with her because she was looking for herself in other people instead of within herself.

You can always have a character just refuse to look into themself, or to refuse a part of themself. Either because it is too much work and they don't have time, because they are scared about what they might find, or even that they are indifferent and just don't want to unpack all of that right now.

I mean, fuck you can have a character KNOW something is up but refuse to look into themself because they just fucking hate themself and don't WANT to try and be happy. Show a character getting toxic with themself and going in the opposite direction of what they think they might be.

Like a man who might be gay or trans just ends up embodying the hyper masculine dude-bro persona and becomes super homophobic and/or transphobic because of his internalized hatred for himself. This would be a good character to work on deconstructing world beliefs and helping them heal from whatever fucking broke them enough to make them hate themselves.

You can even show how them healing and finally being able to accept themself as who they truly are could lead them to apologizing for their actions and possibly inspiring someone else to change as well (you can also just show them changing and apologizing but not getting like forgiven, which is not a gender/sexuality thing, more of just a story plot point, but just know if someone changes their gender or sexuality it doesn't negate every bad thing they did because they were denying that part of themself or because they are now queer that means they are free from criticism).

Even going in that direction, you can show struggles between the queer spaces, like how a lesbian might not like a transwoman because she has a dick or won't trust a bisexual woman because she slept with men/is in a relationship with men.

How binary trans people might shit on nonbinary people, or how asexuals and aromantics are seen as not queer enough (bisexuals and trans people too if they are in a "hetero passing" relationship/are passing). Bisexuals are told to pick a side, microlabels are told they are doing too much, nonbinary people are seen as a "third gender" or "woman lite" (which honestly opens up a lot of good story struggle idea explorations for masculine or amab nonbinary people and how they are treated in the community).

I am realizing that these ideas I was giving recently are more external struggles rather than internal struggles, but that could be a reason for someone to have an internal struggle.

Someone could be absolutely sure of themself UNTIL someone comes along and questions their identity. That spark of doubt or hatred put forth can end up sowing the seeds of questioning your identity, or at the very least realizing you have to fight for your right to be present and accepted.

There are lots of ways you can show someone struggling with their gender or sexuality. You can mix and match what they struggle with vs what they are confident in.

Have someone be okay identifying with a different gender, no problems there at all, but they are afraid to use neopronouns.

Have a passing trans person wonder if they are still trans because they don't struggle anymore (or even someone who is passing trans and refuses to identify as trans because now they just see themself as the gender they identify as, which itself can be a whole struggle they went through to get to that point).

Have people experiment and get mess. Give them regrets for what they did or have them realize what they experimented with wasn't for them but they were happy they tried it.

Have someone realize they are actually gay and not bisexual. Or even that they weren't actually trans and now have to deal with the idea of detransitioning, which itself is scary in how the media and queer community ends up portraying that.

Let characters make mistakes, have fears, have wants and desires. Try to put yourself in their shoes if that helps at all! For me, that is why I end up making a lot of asexual characters, I am ace and want to explore that with characters.

Honestly, a LOT of the reason I even explore so much queer headcanons and stuff is because I want to explore my own sexuality and gender. I have no idea what I really am still. Other than asexual, I am still trying to figure out what I am.

I have a gender and sexuality crisis every couple of months, when I have this like realization that I am alive and a human being which scares me into thinking too much about myself.

I don't know if I am aromantic or just afraid of commitment. Or if I am genderfluid, librafluid, agender, genderqueer. I don't know so I just picked a label and just put my gender on the back burner until it starts to boil over then I remove it to give it some attention before putting back there to simmer and repeat all over again.

I hope this helped, I don't think it actually would have all that much since I don't feel like I went into any real helpful specifics, but if it did help then I'm glad!

Really just have fun and experiment! If pretending to be the character helps, then do that! If reading other people's gender/sexuality experience helps, then do that! Have fun and explore!

[kidkintsugi]

another epic transmasculinity moment in combination with everything that went to shit recently.

tw for below cut: dysphoria, slight n/s/f/t topics

aye so this week was absolute bullcrap?

i started hating my flatmate with a burning passion. i tried to excuse his laziness multiple times but ive given up on him. hes just an ass and a useless one at that.

i usually dont talk about other people like this because it makes ME feel bad because im being "mean" or whatever but with him? holy COW hes crossed multiple lines. very little to no remorse on this one.

he does not clean his shit and makes me buy things that are shared, like soap for example. i bought a new container of soap once i noticed that were running low, not ONCE did he make the effort to get some soap himself. its like this with other things as well.

his only humour is making a fool out of me (which i can handle. its just annoying) or sexual shit (also mostly involving me) and since im running a 2 person household on my own essentially i had some type of meltdown/breakdown this last weekend. developed a nervous tic because of it too which gets worse the more tired/frustrated i am. i also seem to have some stomach problems whenever im out of it nowadays and its gotten to the point that people asked me if im hungry because its just. that loud. REALLY uncomfortable especially in class.

today he overslept, which happens multiple times, but today was also the first day he actually had some consequences due to it which i like! but THEN he has the audacity to ask if i "tried to wake him up" which, to me, implies that he thinks im obligated to. almost yelled at him right then and there i had to leave the fucking room.

its also kind of my fault i guess? i could just communicate my problems with him more openly, directly order him to clean/buy/whatever but then i remember.

this guy is as old as i am.

i am NOT his fucking dad or something he should be doing these things UNPROMPTED when living together with someone he barely knows!!

on another note, the guy that realized that im trans is spending more time with me recently and i genuinely enjoy spending time with him as well, hes one of the very few people that doesnt get on my nerves. he plays my favorite videogames with me which are my special interest :)

this comes with a problem however: were both mlm and openly mlm at that, so people began "shipping" us (eugh. hate to use this word in this context).

usually i would find it funny, he finds it funny too because we both know that its not gonna happen but this comes with a certain problem.

people begin putting you in boxes, whether conciously or unconciously. especially with gay relationships, a lot of people seem to be fascinated by the idea that same sex couples still somehow have to fit into heteronormative "standards" (stuff like "who wears the pants" "whos the woman" "who takes it up the ass")

obviously im in a bad position. next to my friend, i am smaller. have wider hips, the face of a twelve year old and when i get nervous my voice goes higher in pitch.

if we WERE in a relationship, i would be percieved as "the woman".

that is so, so painful. no matter how hard i try, unless i end up with a super feminine twink bf (lol purposefully exaggerated im sorry), im gonna be the more feminine one and that is extremely shitty when it comes to passing in public.

had it happen today: i go out to grab boba with my friend.

this might just be my paranoia, but i have a feeling that for mlm couples, due to the way that society is, we dont really look like couples to the average heterosexual because unless we were to make out right in front of them homosexuality just isnt a possibility that comes to mind.

so we go up to the counter to place our order and the guy asks if "my friend is paying for me". nothing unusual BUT my language uses the same word for friend platonic and boyfriend/girlfriend romantic in some cases, meaning that it was very, very ambiguous, but to us it sounded like he meant it romantically.

my friend of course just laughs it off and i would like to be able to laugh too, but the truth is that HE was the one referred to as my "boyfriend". what does that make me in the eyes of a heteronormative society? with wide hips, a high voice and a babyface?

exactly. the girlfriend. checkmate.

dysphoria has been bad in general this week and in combination with all the other shitty feelings i couldnt shower. lower body dysphoria reached its peak too.

people joke about me being the bottom, stereotypically the more feminine one in the relationship and its beginning to hurt because they dont even KNOW. i just kinda wish i could talk about it, say that it makes me uncomfortable but that would make me suspicious and everyone in my class is already suspicious enough.

theres nothing i can do. i will have to live like this forever probably. i think i need to readjust my personality again just so i dont come across as androgynous or whatever. i also really need to get rid of my customer service voice, as i like to call it.

[d3nt4l-d4m4g3]

A few days ago, I emailed my former professor about a paper on women’s food practices in the middle ages. At least, that’s what I told him it was about, initially. 

But actually, I wanted to discuss heresy. This professor teaches a women’s rights course every year. Every year at the beginning of the class, he calls attention to why he, a man, is talking about women’s rights. He looks us in the eyes and says, no one else is doing it, and I’m sorry it’s me.

This man made us read the SCUM manifesto, Gerda Lerner, Maria Mies. He grazed the subject of the Lesbian Sex Wars, delicately, so gingerly, posing the question: “Can sex work ever be just work?”  And my  (all woman) classmates, generally mute—in a Women’s Rights class, they all seemed averse to saying the word “woman,” at all. Then one woman raised her hand. and she said, “Sex work is real work.”  A statement that, as I hope you know, is a deflection and a discussion killer.  

At the time I was non-binary. Hah. I submitted a comic at the end of the year of my final project. My thesis for that project was this: the very language female people have to use for themselves was constructed by the patriarchy. for example, the english word “vagina” comes from the latin word for “sheath”. so the vagina invokes the act of penetration upon its utterance. Whereas the word “penis” has no clear etymological root, implying that it is original while the vagina is constructed for him. Why should I carry the fact that I will always be a tool, the hole, of the human that is man? My solution, at the end of the comic, was to continue using they/them pronouns, to shield myself from the horror of being a wo-man, a s-he—an appendage of Him. 

I got a good grade. A stellar report. And it wasn’t a bad comic, for what I knew then. For my condition of blindness and deafness. I made a compelling argument, using sources from class.  But oh, how much older I feel now. I’ve always felt old but now I feel almost like I’m dying. Like I don’t have enough time to fix the world before I disappear. And women’s stories never survive. They are not surviving. networks spring up like mycelium and then every century at least they are burned. Witchcraft is in the air shared by women in a room of their own, and witchcraft is doused in gasoline.

I don’t have enough time to explain how the veil lifted for me. Maybe I forget the big moment. the days after were a blur of searching the no-no tags like radical feminist, GNC, gender critical. Amazed at the wealth of journals that these women linked to with real statistics showing that children are being sterilized for no reason. Mostly gay children. like me, a lesbian, who now lives in a house with three  “non-binary afabs”. This summer, one of these women, who I have known since freshman year, will start taking testosterone, a procedure I took up  for three turbulent months during my freshman year of college. I get to watch her become what I turned away from, knowing the experience fractured my sense of self to a point of  terror and estrangement. I get to watch her hide from her problems and cut herself off from womanhood the way I did for 3 years. I am not a woman, so do I not feel Woman’s pain, she is telling me, I told myself, when I was in a dream.  She has so many problems, she laughs. But trans is a separate problem that has nothing to do with those other problems. A coincidence.

 (For any trans people reading this, you may think: This transtrender fake-trans never-was-trans woman is treating these nonbinary people as if they were dead! as if they weren’t happy people finally living their truth! —well. I put my mom through the process of trying to convince her that I should have always been a man. and I did lose her, for months. For her it was the height of cognitive dissonance that I should want to go on a life-altering hormone to cure my lifelong social awkwardness and self-hatred and self-harm and depression. And I blamed her for not accepting my real self. I was basically made to shun her and my family because of transphobia.. It is disrespectful to anyone’s sanity and integrity for me to perpetuate that cognitive dissonance in this post.)

So I eventually got through to the professor. I knew because of the texts he had us to read for class. He is gay.  He has read all the theory, and lives by it.  And no (woman) student wants to speak to him. To bring the theory alive. They cannot breathe into it and it sits dead in his mouth.

Maybe it is because he is a man. because the presence of one man in a space of all women immediately sends up alerts.  lockdown. Certainly that is the case. Radical Feminists here: I know he’s a man. But I don’t have a woman. And I felt on the strength of the texts he’d given us that he would be my best bet. Maybe somewhere in the corrupted, rotting heart of my college there was a person who knew about thoughtcrimes and was thinking them anyway.

My professor starts with diversion. He starts by talking about my paper. I find it disconcerting that he starts that way. I worry that he won’t want to refer to my email. Where I say: I have woken up from a dream to the apocalypse—Does this man think I’m crazy? Chipper and kind of frantically, he lists off  primary sources of medieval nuns and women saints. for my paper.  Does this man think I’ve turned into a bigot?  Am I confessing lunacy, like a flat-earther?

But I steer the conversation to the meat at his first tentative encouragement. I tell him something like: “children, mostly gay children, a whole generation of gay children, are being sterilized. Porn is a symptom of late-stage capitalism—men’s ownership of women’s bodies. trans is an extension of this. I was part of this. I was in a cult.” I was shaking a bit. I don’t think I’d uttered those words out loud. They sound crazy. Some of the things I said did sound far-fetched. disorganized, remote. But I prayed that my professor would believe some of it, any of it. 

 What I will say is that he believes me.  Thank fuck, right?

He tells me something along the lines of this, vocalizing my fears: 

that all of academia is being scrubbed of anything that doesn’t support Trans.

And it is trans-identified female students and women who are reporting him to Title IX, who spend all their time in his classes fuming at the lack of validation for trans women in the  history of women. My sisters, footsoldiers for the cause. What cruel irony. This man is holding onto this class by his fingernails, speaking through his teeth, hoping any of the twenty young adult women staring blankly or angrily at him will hear him and listen.

 Looking back, the professor’s responses to my emails are vague, completely refusing to acknowledge a point of view other than “WOW. I look forward to discussing this.”  I think he thinks he could be blackmailed. Anything he says on gmail dot com can and would be used against him. It’s like, really, really, really that bad. 

No ideology should involve a cultural cleaning of women’s history feat. witch hunts. 

I will end here with an excerpt from my first email to this professor:

I'm sure you know what a total bummer it is to realize this.