#like they’ve vented and now reality is setting in

[ibswarriors2nd]

Obviously there’s still a lot of blue self inflicted negativity and anything can happen in the next few months but I do seem to see a rise of “you need to vote” messages online the last week or so.

[nataliasquote]

The Price of Perfection | n romanoff

Summary: Natasha will stop at nothing to be perfect, but what will it cost?

Warnings: body dysmorphia, negative self image, toxic thoughts, self hatred, tiny mention of SA

wc: 1k

notes: this is depressing as shit. I wrote it one go (again) and tbh I don’t think it makes sense. I just started writing and didn’t stop. Yeah… vent fic idk. Anyway, enjoy, you angst lovers :)

-⧗-

Mirrors.

A symbol of vanity, casting reflections upon the eyes of the beholder. They’ve seen the most lavish ballgowns and the sleepiest eyes, countless discarded outfits and miniature fashion shows.

Used with friends, with families, with loved ones, a way to see one’s favourite people in the same place. They brought so much happiness without so much as a second thought, so why did she hate them so much?

Whilst the rest of the world crowded to take pictures in the mirror, Natasha had hers concealed away like an antique. A pale sheet usually covered the large reflective glass on her wall, she couldn’t bear the sight.

It wasn’t the mirror itself that caused such repulsion in the Russian’s stomach, no. It was the figure she had staring back at her that left her paralysed in disgust. She avoided all reflections like the plague, far too afraid of what she would find if she looked.

Mirrors hid nothing. They were as raw as could be, every flaw highlighted like the freckles on her pale skin. Natasha never cared for the way her body looked, it served her just fine, but something had shifted lately, something small in her mind triggering an avalanche.

How do you even begin to understand something that has been objectified your entire life? How do you view it as anything more than a way to assist a mission, anything more than something for other people to break at will. The visible scars were one thing, but the invisible marks of the many hands that had slid grotesquely around her waist and pawed at her chest like pieces of meat were what stuck out the most as she obsessed over her reflection.

Perfection was a slippery slope.

And Natasha Romanoff craved perfection.

It was all she knew. But gone were the days of having instructors barking orders to ensure she maintained that divine perfection. She was on her own now, but was that a good thing?

Her self control was impeccable but her eyes told another story. They burned across the expanse of her stomach in the dim bathroom light, slender fingers tugging at the flesh on her hips whilst her jaw was set rigid. The cool air barely raised a hair on her arms as she picked herself apart, falling deeper and deeper into her nightmares as red lines began to form across her limbs and torso.

Where was the perfection she had been told she was?

Was it buried underneath the blanket of snow that coated her homeland in its icy beauty? Or was it simply a ruse, a false pretense, meant only to manipulate her further into the ultimate weapon.

Whatever it was, she couldn’t see it now. Even through blurry eyes filled with tears that warped her reflection further, Natasha still stretched and pulled at her skin, ignoring the burn that ignited just under the surface.

How can someone possibly want to love someone like her? A freak, a mess. Bile rose in her throat the longer she panicked, her eyes frantically darting between countless scars and layers of muscle she only perceived as extra weight.

Where had she gone so wrong?

Her mind, usually her sharpest weapon, unmatched in the face of the enemy, had turned on itself and left her the victim in the lonely battlefield. But who was she fighting, if not the figure who mimicked her every move and felt so familiar yet so horrendously foreign.

She didn’t know who she was anymore. Who did her body belong to, because it certainly wasn’t her. Would anyone want her in this state, or would they be just as repulsed as she was after mere seconds of inspection.

“But you’re beautiful.”

What lies. Her grip on reality may have faltered, like fingers slipping on sodden rocks, but she knew what beauty was. And yet now, face to face with the one so many people had admired, she couldn’t see the so-called beauty.

A breathy laugh escaped her lips, yet her expression did nothing to match it. It wasn’t that of happiness, but of desperation, of insanity, the final parts of her slipping away as dysmorphia finally took its hold.

She would never be beautiful, not to herself. Maybe for a fleeting moment when the sun shone just right and her chest felt a little lighter, but that feeling never lasted. All it took was one glance at her reflection in a window for the clouds to settle back inside her mind, reminding her over and over that she would never look the way she wanted. No matter how much she craved it.

The sheet went back up. Her eyes stayed glued to the sidewalk in fear of catching herself in a shop window, and slowly Natasha felt herself slipping away. Her close circle barely saw her anymore, she didn’t want them to see what she saw, and her fork only pushed her food around her plate instead of allowing her a taste.

She knew the price of perfection was high, but it felt astronomical as she scrambled after it, neglecting her life for a glimpse of that feeling. Yet it seemed the harder she tried, the further it felt, leaving her exhausted day after day.

But she never quit. That wasn’t Natasha Romanoff. If she wanted something, she got it, no matter the sacrifice.

But she was fighting a losing battle. Her clouded mind never once gave way to the idea that she was already perfect. How could it? She wasn’t happy with her body, no matter how much she lost or how far she ran.

To the rest of the world, she was the epitome of perfection.

But to herself, she would never be enough. No matter what.

And no compliment could fix that. Not when her self image was so warped that she couldn’t see straight anymore.

She was, and always would be, the reason for her downfall. No enemy could take her down quite like her own mind could and it was the only thing that gave her a sense of control.

But for the price of perfection, could she give it all up?

[its-all-stardust]

Steven Grant x gn!reader, may-haps, something sorta fluffy, like they’ve both had a rather long day, maybe it ends with Steven reading to the reader and them falling asleep on them couch together? Feel free to ignore, it’s not particularly interesting

It's your lucky day!! I did NOT ignore this request because it gives me some writing practice and a chance to think about something else besides my current project for a little bit.

I did tweak this just a tad, but such is the nature of fic requests. I hope you enjoy!!

Masterlist

Word Count: 783

When you walked through the apartment door, the lights were turned down low, and the smell of what you suspected to be takeaway from your favorite restaurant wafted toward you. You breathed a sigh of relief, a weight lifted off your shoulders.

When you texted Steven earlier about the downward spiral that was your work day—and the resulting headache that threatened to become a migraine at the slightest provocation—you weren’t doing anything more than venting. You hadn’t asked nor expected him to take over dinner when it was your night to cook.

“You didn’t have to do that,” you said, greeting Steven with a peck on the cheek. He arranged the containers on the counter, perfectly timing everything to your arrival.

“I’ll remember that for the next time you’re not feeling well. Make you do everything yourself,” Steven teased, filling your plate for you.

You smiled, knowing he would never do such a thing. You both worry over each other when one isn’t feeling the best, doing whatever you can to make the other’s day easier. Steven taking care of you like this, without expecting it or asking for it, made you love him even more.

“Work that bad?” he asked when you pulled a bottle of painkillers from the cupboard.

“Just exhausting. This one guy was off today, which made it busier than normal. Felt like things just kept piling up.” You swallowed the pills with a cool glass of whatever, then pressed it to your temple for a moment, hoping it would ease the pounding in your skull.

Dinner, usually filled with conversations about all manner of things, was silent. Peace and quiet weren’t often found at your workplace and is one of the causes of your current state.

Steven, bless him, knew you well enough to give it to you now. Anything he wanted to say could wait for a better time.

Throughout the meal, you couldn’t help but notice Steven constantly, openly, staring at you.

“I’m not going to break, you know,” you teased, smiling softly as you sat back in your chair, finished eating.

“Well, now, I can’t have you straining yourself,” Steven said, collecting your plate and taking it to the sink. “I’ve got the bathroom ready for you wherever you’re up for it,” he continued casually as if he weren’t still doting on you.

You weren’t complaining about it, though.

In the bathroom, you found Steven had indeed done everything besides strip you and turn on the water. If your apartment had a bathtub, he probably would have it filled with bubbles. Instead, he left a shower steamer near the stall wall—something he insisted was for emergencies. Clearly, in Steven’s mind, this was one. He even had towels laid out beside your pajamas, neatly folded as opposed to the crumpled ball you usually had them in.

You half-expected soothing meditation music to pour from the Bluetooth speaker set up by the sink, but it never did. Steven probably worried it might irritate your headache more and refrained.

By the time you stepped out of the bathroom, the scent of the milk and honey steamer trailing after you, your head no longer felt like it would explode.

Despite it, you were still exhausted, the desire to collapse looming over you.

Usually, evenings were spent with Steven in some capacity, but you didn’t have the mental bandwidth for even something as simple as watching a trashy reality show.

“Lie with me for a bit?” Steven asked, of course ready to ambush you as soon as you left the bathroom. You wouldn’t have been surprised if he had his ear pressed to the door.

He was on the couch with the soft blanket that normally decorated the back spread out and waiting for you.

Even when you felt like shit, you weren’t passing up the chance to cuddle with your boyfriend. You happily crawled under the blanket when Steven lifted it up for you, and you leaned into his side. His hand went to the back of your neck and started lightly massaging, trying to ease any tension.

A pleased hum escaped you, your eyes falling closed.

And then Steven started to read. Opening your eyes again, you see he had something pulled up on his phone. 

“What is that?” you asked. You didn’t mind that he wanted to read to you—Steven’s reading voice was actually quite pleasant, narrating with the perfect cadence and tone.

“Hush. You don’t have to know what it is. You just need to listen,” Steven lightly scolded, taking his self-assigned job as your caretaker very seriously.

You smiled, settling back into Steven’s side, and let the words wash over you until you fell asleep.

[hoppipolla]

Alcohol and characterisation in The Eighth Sense

Alcohol is a recurring theme in The Eighth Sense.

In everyone’s imagery, alcohol is an inherent part of the college experience due to alcohol often acting as a social lubricant.

If alcohol is usually seen as the embodiment of excess, irresponsibility and carelessness, it isn’t always the case. In literature and cinema, alcohol is also used to shed a light on the complexity of the human condition.

Alcohol can either help the characters release their inhibitions and allow them to be vulnerable, or it can destroy emotional bonds and relationships because the characters’ loss of control under the influence of alcohol makes them say or do things they can’t take back or undo.

What I love about The Eighth Sense is how nuanced and accurate they are in showing how life is. Whether it be the way they portray friendships, seemingly mundane conversations etc., everything feels authentic because it is never two-dimensional. The same goes with alcohol. T8S subtlety highlights how alcohol is a force that can either be destructive or positive depending on the person we’re talking about.

Not only is T8S detailed in their representations, but it also brilliantly uses alcohol as a means of characterisation in the sense that whenever drinks are shared, poured etc., a lot is said about the characters.

Episode 1

Not only did the opening scene amazingly foreshadow what is going to happen next in the most beautiful yet confusing way (for now), the following scenes efficiently set the tone of the series.

One of the first scenes of episode 1 takes place in the pork’s place Ji Hyun works in. At every table, drinks are poured and shared since we’re in a university bar/restaurant after all. The camera lingers at every table and the discussions we overhear contribute at drawing a nuanced portrait of how alcohol is used to either cope with a situation or allow more personal conversations to take place.

A girl who’s been recently dumped is seen in a drunk state and her friend’s comment informs us that her drinking habits might have been the reason she got dumped in the first place. Alcohol is introduced as a paradoxical form of escapism: it numbs your pain only to bring you back to a harsher reality.

At another table, a guy who’s failed his interview complains about it to his friend who clumsily tries to show his support. Alcohol functions here in a positive capacity for it allows this one guy to vent his feelings and release tension. His friend can easily empathise with him because he has experienced the same kind of failures – alcohol thus helps people emotionally connect with one another.  

Before talking about Jae Won’s table, let’s talk about Ji Hyun for a bit.

Ji Hyun is a newcomer in every sense of the word. The starting point of his adult life was reached when he decided to leave his hometown to go to college in Seoul. Everything feels new to him – both the newly-acquired freedom he now has as a young adult but also the code of the city. He has a lot to take in but he’s doing a great job.

It makes sense that, in this scene, Ji Hyun is seen struggling to keep up with the restaurant’s effervescence – his boss tells him which tables to serve next and asks him to hurry a bit. He still needs some guidance. However, his unfamiliarity is reinforced by the “mistake” he makes when bringing another bottle of soju to the table with the three girls. It might look like a mistake of little consequence – and it is in a way – but it immediately singles Ji Hyun out and places him as an outsider, as someone who is still learning to navigate his way through the city.

Interestingly enough, Jae Won is also placed as an outsider because of his return from the military. Although Ji Hyun’s and Jae Won’s situations are completely different, they are both adjusting to an unfamiliar environment.

Now on to Jae Won’s table. To Jae Won and his so-called friends, alcohol menaces their identity or the image they’ve built for themselves. In episode 4, we learn that Tae Hyung is the teacher’s assistant meaning he must be someone the teachers trust. I’m assuming he must be a diligent student although his behaviour, so far, has been saying otherwise. I’m saying all this because although he is a good student (let’s assume he is although it’s quite hard to believe given what we’ve seen of him), he has a real inferiority complex. He feels deeply threatened by Jae Won because of his self-discipline and his family situation. His inferiority complex is only ever visible when he is in a drunken state. (I’ll talk about it a bit more later on in this analysis.)

If alcohol clearly is a destructive force when it comes to Tae Hyung, it isn’t the same for Jae Won. He drinks alcohol because that’s what college students do. He drinks because his friends drink. He drinks because that’s what socially acceptable for someone his age. Jae Won’s attitude towards alcohol highlights how much alcohol has become an almost necessary means to socialise in our society. In most cases, telling people that you don’t drink alcohol automatically makes them think that you’re either not trying hard enough to fit in or that you’re just not fun. But these are social constructs – you can have a fun college experience without drinking alcohol for instance – and Yoon Won perfectly emphasises that fact when she tells Tae Hyung to keep the “shitty tradition” to himself in episode 3(cf. the campfire scene when Tae Hyung is preparing the penalty drink.). Drinking alcohol in college has become a tradition and traditions are socially constructed and established.

Although Jae Won has come to develop a drinking habit, I don’t think he’s ever lost complete control of himself when drinking. Throughout episode 1, he repeatedly tells Tae Hyung to drink less and even tells Ji Hyun to “not drink too much” with his boss. Just like he is very attentive to the image he conveys to others and to the impressions he gives off, he wants to keep things under control. People expect him to be the “worry-free” cool guy and such a person shouldn’t be seen overwhelmed with deep emotions, both released and muddled by alcohol.

The restaurant scene gives us an overview of how alcohol influences people’s behaviours and it does so by providing us a rather polarised overview. Alcohol either makes you lose control of yourself (Tae Hyung pushing Jae Won to the ground for instance) or it can help create/develop emotional connections (the two guys talking about their failed interviews).

The rest of episode 1 then qualifies this statement with the character of Ji Hyun’s boss with whom drinking is not about being destructive or positive but about quality time.

It’s sweet how Jae Won directly acknowledges the fact that Ji Hyun does have friends once Ji Hyun tells him that he is planning to drink with his boss (see end of episode 1). By doing so, Jae Won confirms the idea mentioned previously saying that alcohol creates emotional bonds and that sharing drinks can be interpreted as quality time.   

Ji Hyun’s boss is a kind of parental figure to Ji Hyun: not exactly like a mother because she acts friendlier but her experience and the pieces of advice she gives him make him value her opinion. She’s a sort of lighthouse to him. He comes to see her on his day off because he doesn’t want to be alone in his room. She gives him a sense of home and safety which he hasn’t been able to find ever since he left the countryside he grew up in. 

Drinking with her is easy and it feels comfortable. It allows them to talk about their experience and share a bit of themselves.

Episode 2

The Free Bird lil’ trip to the beach is a means to get everyone to know each other and to introduce surfing to the freshmen. Usually, whenever you’re new to a club or when you’ve just entered college, you have to go through a fresher initiation and, more often than not, this initiation rite includes alcohol.

Jae Won warns Ji Hyun that he’ll most likely have to drink a lot since he’s a freshman and suggests that he should get some sleep while he still can – he also gives him a hungover drink after their surfing session. (“Everyone is going to make the freshmen super drunk.”) Ji Hyun had a feeling this would happen and I love how firm he was with his answer: “I can decide not to drink.”

As seen in episode 1, Ji Hyun doesn’t hate drinking but when he drinks, it’s because he wants to. He doesn’t want to give in to peer pressure nor does he seek to amaze everyone by getting drunk. Drinking implies quality time to Ji Hyun, hence the scene where we see him alone on the beach at night, listening to music, with a can of beer next to him. He is alone with his thoughts and alcohol feels like a nice companion to have in such times.   

As I’ve said before, Jae Won likes being in control and it shows in the way he behaves and the way he drinks. In episode 1, he begs his friends to drink moderately. Not alcohol-related but in episode 2, he tells everyone to be careful when going surfing (“Safety comes first.”). Jae Won always strives to make things go smoothly. This is in keeping with his habit of masking: he doesn’t want to upset anyone so he indulges them and by doing so, he is not able to show his authentic self.  

If drinking is seen as a social lubricant thus enabling someone to fit in, the way you drink is also important. In episode 1, Tae Hyung mocks Jae Won for not drinking whatever he was drinking down in one. This suggests that even your drinking style is scrutinised by others which means people can and often do assume things about you just by looking at the way you drink. However, Jae Won ignores his comment and if you pay attention, you can see that Jae Won seldom drinks beer/soju/[insert name of whatever drink is poured] down in one. It’s silly but it makes me happy that Jae Won still allows himself to drink the way he wants to.

It's also worth noting how Ae Ri is socially aware of what it means to drink when in college. She knows what is expected of her and the way she skilfully opens the soju bottle reinforces this idea. Everyone is impressed by her skills, even Ji Hyun who is clearly uncomfortable sitting in that bench with everyone but still accepts the drink he was poured.  

Then comes the campfire scene and the drinking game because drinking games are, then again, a must-have when you’re around a campfire, aren’t they? Personally, I hate drinking games because they’re awfully pressuring. They make me tense and I worry about what might happen. If the “Like You” game is thankfully rather “fun” and not that pressuring, Ae Ri and Bit Na start to worry once Tae Hyung is preparing the penalty drink (episode 3). I’ll talk about it in the Episode 3 part.

Yoon Won is aware of how alcohol can make things escalate quickly and that’s why she tells Jae Won, during the barbecue, that they should protect the freshmen if things start getting out of hand. Although alcohol is not inherently something bad, it demands restraint and that’s something many people lack hence why the presence of alcohol might make some people tense and worried.    

Episode 3

I’ll talk about Jae Won and Ji Hyun’s first kiss along with their almost kiss in episode 4.

I said that I would mention Tae Hyung’s inferiority complex again and so here I am. His complex shows when he accuses Yoon Won of looking down on him when she tells him how forcing the freshmen to drink the penalty drink is “outdated”. He says so while being drunk. Tae Hyung is such a confusing character tbh. His friendship with Jae Won is even more so.

I feel like Tae Hyung embodies everything Jae Won hates the most and yet they’ve been “friends” since freshman year. Tae Hyung never minces his words and he is even more direct and harsh towards Jae Won when he is drunk. However, they always end up hugging each other, kissing each other on the cheeks, and saying things like “You know I love you?” or “We’re bound together forever, okay?”. The thing is, despite Tae Hyung being jealous and envious of Jae Won, he somehow values his friendship with him. The fact that he doesn’t want to lose Jae Won is paradoxical because he does enjoy seeing Jae Won’s mask crack, hence him inviting Eun Ji over in episode 1 and pairing Jae Won with her in episode 4. However, the way he reacts – see the toilet scene in episode 4 – to Jae Won’s controlled anger and annoyance implies how he hadn’t foreseen Jae Won’s reaction. He is quite taken aback and it feels as though he has finally realised that the Jae Won he knows might not be the real Jae Won.

Okay, we’re back to the campfire scene now. Notice how we didn’t see Jae Won getting drunk. Most of his drinking happened off-screen and I think this is such a brilliant way to highlight the fact that most things about Jae Won go unnoticed.

Now, once again, alcohol is presented as a means to fit in or to look “cool”. When Ji Hyun drinks the penalty drink, everyone is shouting and getting overly excited when they realise that the “quiet kid” has a high alcohol tolerance, as if having a high tolerance gave you some kind of prestige.

In the same vein, alcohol seems to stretch the limits of what’s possible or reasonable. Alcohol comes often hand in hand with a sense of euphoria hence the fact that there’s always someone who wants to go for another round. Alcohol makes you feel relaxed and confident and these feelings don’t last long given the anxiety-inducing society we live in. Hence the fact that the members of the surfing club – as soon as they got back from their trip – all wanted to go for another drink. Everyone had a bad hangover but still they all went for another round (because that’s what college students should do?? See Yoon Won’s words addressed to Ae Ri “When we were freshmen, we drank until morning”.). Everyone knows how badly they’re going to regret it next morning but they’re so caught up in the moment that they don’t think about what tomorrow might bring. And so everyone just keeps on drinking. Even Jae Won asking Yoon Won “Should we get another drink?” made me smile because Yoon Won was obviously not in a state to go for another drink but Jae Won still asked. It’s no wonder alcohol is associated with excess and irresponsibility: once you start drinking, it seems as if no matter the number of drinks you have, it’s never enough. There’s always room for one more.

Although episode 3 kind of conveyed a pretty common alcohol imagery, it still manages to highlight how alcohol can also help release someone’s fears and doubts and allows for deep conversations – especially on the mysteries of the human experience – to take place.

When Jae Won and Yoon Won have a drink together, it has nothing to do with the drinking that happened around the campfire. Jae Won and Yoon Won have nothing to prove to each other. Drinking together, just the two of them, is them spending quality time with each other. Something that seems to not have happened since a long time.

It’s the first time we see Jae Won relaxing – besides when he is with Ji Hyun – and it’s so beautiful to see him being a bit giddy and genuine. He is feeling overwhelmed but he still allows himself to let go of his mask and talk a bit about how he feels. One of my favourite scenes is when he told Yoon Won that he was a bit nervous talking in English to the barista. I adore that scene!! Jae Won never voices out his worries and him telling how nervous he felt so simply was heart-warming.  

Listening to Jae Won talk about his first impression of Yoon Won and how he didn’t like her at first because she was everything he couldn’t be says a lot about his character. Yoon Won is strong-willed and speaks her mind whereas Jae Won is constantly masking and he feels like he cannot be himself around others. But the fact that these two have stuck together despite their differences makes their friendship even more precious.

Another thing I absolutely love about that scene is this dialogue:

JW: “By the way Yoon Won. It felt good to surf after all this time.” (The translation felt a bit off in this part so I changed it. It might not be 100% accurate.)

YW: “Of course it feels good.”

When you know that Jae Won initially came back to the surfing club so that Eun Ji doesn’t get blamed (for what exactly? This has yet to be determined.), this sentence is even more touching. Because Jae Won seldom does things for himself. The moment he went surfing alone gave him the space he needed to finally listen to his emotions. Perhaps he is only ever himself when he is lost at sea, surrounded by nothing but the deep water. When he is surfing, nothing matters except the next wave and what Jae Won needs is for the next wave to wash over his overwhelming feelings. The sea feels liberating to him and gives him a sense of freedom.

Episode 4

Jae Won suppresses his feelings whenever he is with other people. Back in episode 2, Jae Won tells Eun Ji that he is keeping his basic courtesy for her and so the least she could do is to have some consideration for him. Jae Won could have snapped at any time and blamed it on the alcohol but he minded his words and controlled his tone. It’s only when he notices Ji Hyun that he freezes and suddenly feels too tired to keep on talking to Eun Ji. From the moment he sat next to Ji Hyun, his mask was long gone. He looks weary and the truth escapes his lips.

I wouldn’t say that alcohol made Jae Won bold enough to kiss Ji Hyun. It might have helped but I believe that Jae Won was just overwhelmed by Ji Hyun’s presence. Ji Hyun’s directness and genuineness aren’t things Jae Won is used to. Ji Hyun cares enough to ask him if he is okay. Ji Hyun trusts him enough to tell him about his fears. Ji Hyun is everything Jae Won lost. He is everything he couldn’t be.  

Their first kiss felt incredibly intimate. Jae Won poured his heart out in the gentlest way. Ji Hyun’s confusion after their kiss is both due to the kiss itself but also because of what was silently said during the kiss. The way Jae Won looks at him afterwards… He is also taken aback by the intensity of his own feelings.   

Jae Won’s grace resides in the fact that his vulnerability is something he willingly gives to Ji Hyun. Alcohol is often said to help people lose their inhibitions and loosen their tongue but Jae Won stays in control no matter how much alcohol he drinks. Sure, he’ll start doing silly things with Tae Hyung but he’ll never drink to the extent of forgetting what happened the next day. What I want to say is that Jae Won doesn’t need alcohol to be vulnerable and the scene with Ji Hyun at the Han River Park proves my point.

Jae Won is on his way back from his therapy session. Ji Hyun is on his way to meet Ae Ri. Jae Won is not okay and Ji Hyun sees that as soon as their eyes meet. The moment Ji Hyun smiled back at Jae Won, his apprehension to meet Ae Ri disappeared and nothing else mattered except for the fact that Jae Won was standing right in front of him with no one around.

Many things happened during the Han River scene and I can’t talk about all of them in this post so let me just focus on the fact that Jae Won asked Ji Hyun to buy coffee and not beers. I might be overanalysing things but I found this to be highly relevant. Jae Won is already in a vulnerable state and he doesn’t want alcohol to muddle his thoughts. Jae Won is teaching him something new and it’s making him think that maybe, just maybe, his therapist was right. Maybe it’s not too late for him to chase after his dream. But he only allows himself to think that for a brief moment because as he was about to tell Ji Hyun his dream, he suddenly brushes it off as if it wasn’t worth mentioning. Ji Hyun is sad to see him become withdrawn but he knows he can’t force him to tell him anything. This scene echoes that one scene in episode 1 when Jae Won mentioned his brother and then let his voice trails off. Every time Jae Won is about to talk about himself, he cuts himself off as if his own feelings don’t matter. It’s so painful to see him like that.

I’m fast-forwarding a bit here to the moment Eun Ji leaves the restaurant after having relentlessly humiliated Ji Hyun at work and being disrespectful to the restaurant’s owner. Ji Hyun’s boss asks him if Ji Hyun wants to have a drink with her but he declines. His refusal to drink at that moment is in keeping with the fact that Ji Hyun associates alcohol with quality time. However, after what Eun Ji put him through, he isn’t exactly in the mood to talk and when you drink with someone, you rarely remain silent.

I know what you’re going to say. Ji Hyun then offers Jae Won to stay a bit to drink some beers on the rooftop. But Ji Hyun is not in the same mood now that he was when he left the restaurant he works in. He doesn’t want Jae Won to go just yet and so he needs an excuse to make him stay. By offering to drink some beers with him, Ji Hyun is in fact telling him that he wants to spend more time with him. He is telling him that he wants to talk to him a lot more, that he has things to ask him, and that he has things he wishes to know about him. But he can’t quite tell him all these things directly. He needs a little push and alcohol is said to make people a little braver.  

Ji Hyun needed courage to tell Jae Won about the Namsan tower. It felt a bit random for Ji Hyun to tell him that at that moment which makes me think that he had thought about telling him before. In life, everything is about timing and sometimes you want to tell something to someone but it’s never the right time. If, for some reason, the right time never comes, you have to be brave enough to say the things you wanted to say even when you’re aware that no external forces are there to make things easier. Ji Hyun couldn’t find the right moment to tell Jae Won about his wish to go to the Namsan tower with his special person and so he had to make do with the timing he was given. When Jae Won says “I wonder when you can go there.”, Ji Hyun’s eyes answer him. His answer is so loud and I found it beautiful that Jae Won leans in for a kiss at that moment because he knows what Ji Hyun is telling him.   

The mood of this scene is different from that of the Han River scene, hence the presence of alcohol. Instead of being vulnerable, I’d say they’re being honest with their feelings and it shows in their gazes. Ji Hyun feels a sense of yearning arise in his heart as he looks at Jae Won and so does Jae Won who watches him with a searching gaze.

Part 2

[tumblhurgoyf]

Feeling super negative for a multitude of reasons, some not Magic related at all, but the recent talk on Blogatog about “microset” products just feels so out of touch. I don’t want to bring that negativity on one of Mark’s posts as I’m not sure I could be polite about it and I’ve mostly just dismissed the product as not for me already anyway. But I do want to vent.

First it’s like $1 a card for random cards? That’s nuts. Boosters are already overpriced with all the commons included. They worked some really good PR speak by explaining away cutting the commons to give you more rares and uncommons, but the reality is you’re just paying more for less. It’s not like those rare slots are actually going to ever reach an EV that makes it a good gamble.

Second let’s talk about product fatigue. Like not only is this an additional release (or four) a year, but you’re doing normal and collector’s boosters for this as well? Holy fuck.

The fact that Mark’s openly work shopping what variation of this product players might actually shell out money for tells me it’s not received well. I haven’t seen a positive video about it at all.

It’s a shame though that they can’t give their golden goose a bit of breathing room though. I shared that post the other day about... let me find it for the term... trust thermocline. The basic idea is that people who like your product will stick with you through some missteps and bad ideas. And you won’t even notice how bad all of them are because sales keep increasing and people keep paying higher prices and buying new stuff and all that.

But at some point you hit that trust thermocline. Something pushes a lot of people over the edge. You walk it back but it’s too late. Because the thing is that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. They didn’t leave because of one bad story, or because $5 a pack was too much but $4.50 wasn’t, or because two dozen products a year was ok but thirty went to far.

They left because of all of it. The last thing is just what made them finally say “enough.” And once they say enough and leave, you don’t get them back. It’s hard to see because things keep chugging along and all your numbers and metrics look fine. But I feel like Wizards has to be approaching this. I wonder about why they stopped including space at the end of surveys for additional comments. Too much negativity they don’t want to put any effort into handling?

On a different front, I’m also not enjoying the lore changes they’ve dropped with this same product. I am willing to admit that I’m somehow still too close to the story to really take a step back and appreciate this; that could change with time. But my reaction right now is that desparking a lot of planeswalkers while opening rifts so anyone and anything can now travel the multiverse is just stupid. You’ve just eviscerated the story conceit that made planeswalkers special.

idk, I wasn’t thrilled with how they handled the team up cards anyway, and to me this feels like the next step of that. We got to see unlikely allies on cards, now what if we got stories where Thalia was on Ravnica fighting the Obzedat? It feels (I keep intentionally using the word feels to describe this--it’s my emotional reaction detached from the idea that they’re going to be able to tell cool stories they couldn’t otherwise tell), anyway, it feels like they just tossed out a core story concept and don’t even realize it.

Like as much shit they get for the world of hats approach, I think that really works for what they do and is part of what I enjoy. I’m honestly in part concerned that the recent big events that effect the entire multiverse and set up this situation where planes can blend a lot more freely could impact the distinct feel of different worlds. And while I’m sure that’s something that’s on creative’s radar, they’ve also burned enough trust in recent years that I’m doubtful they will handle it well.

Though at the same time this feels kind of par for the course. There have been so many let downs in Magic story over the years that the amazing part is that I’m still invested at all. But the story’s a slave to corporate needs and is undoubtedly more story-by-committee than ever. A left-right punch to KO any creative work for sure.

But I shouldn’t be surprised. They are not and have never really tried to say they’re anything else. They make blockbuster sets and want blockbuster stories to go along with it. Anyone who wants a fantasy card game with DC/Marvel story sensibilities to produce artistic short fiction is a damned fool.

Anyway this is just me venting. Could all be wrong. Time will tell. If you want to vent here feel free.

[lablakelystress]

Vent no. 26 (👺😩🦧)

It’s been a while but that doesn’t mean things have been easy. I’m becoming so desensitized to myself that I have no clue how I really look and it’s killing me. I do know that my th1gh g4p is closing and will probably be gone soon if this plan that I’m on continues. I’m so devastated right now. I feel like there’s no hope anywhere and I’ll just always be f4t. Basically a while back my parents decided that I had to start g41n1g because they found out how low I was and they started increasing my m34ls like a LOT, and of course I freaking g41n3d over the past 4 days, and it makes me feel actually sick to my stomach. I had to comply with them because my dad said if I didn’t he would force me to 34t even more f00d. I was so scared because things were already bad as it was, I’m talking 500+ c4ls in one m34l alone. (The fact that that is some people’s limit and my dream daily intake is driving me insane. If I had the freedom to do that trust me I would) So I basically just stuck it out, feeling nothing most of the time and if anything getting really awful cr4v1ngs at least once a day. I wanted to go back to f4st1ng so bad and I felt I was already starting to show signs of g41n1ng. The worst part is that I never once hesitated to 34t what I was in front of me. And I felt little regret because part of me was going “oh I needed to have that bc if I didn’t I’d be worse off later”. I would just always go back to thinking that, it’s horrible to think about now. Just remember that you should NEVER try to go back to 34t1ng a “normal” amount, not even for a few days bc if you do you’ll completely lose touch with your reality. You’ll think that “actually, I don’t look too terrible despite having 34t3n like a pig for the past 24 hrs.” “Oh, I’ll just bvrn it off later” “oh I’ll r3str1ct tomorrow for sure” you’ll think all of these toxic thoughts and it’ll just set you back, leading you to the same old lame thing you see in the mirror. Leading you to shame, disgust, and dissatisfaction. (Reminder that I say this all to only to myself. If you find it helpful, cool.)

Woah I just said a lot. Anyways the update now is that I’m stuck in a rut real bad and there’s nothing I can think to do. The only thing I’m hoping for is maybe I can quickly g41n just enough to where they think I’m ok, and then I’ll cut back hard. It’s really gonna suck and idek if it’ll work but it’s all I have. There’s no use in feeling powerless anymore, I have to try. On a side note I’m only taking one p1ll now. I think I’ve mentioned it before but the two other p1lls I’m supposed to take are capsules so I just empty them out, but I can only do one a day to lessen the chance of getting caught. I have a weekly supply in a case so that’s how I keep track of my m3ds. Seriously though it’s really freaking me out bc anytime someone is in the kitchen (where the case is located) I get so scared at any noise that even sounds close to the case opening bc I’m just really scared of getting caught. After all, they would completely lose all trust they’ve gained in me. …and that would suck… yeah I know I suck but I know I shouldn’t be taking the capsules since they make me act so unlike myself. I have tried over and over again to convince my parents that I don’t need them (which I don’t bc I haven’t been taking them for months now and I’ve been fine, well, as fine as I can be with an 3d) and they just don’t understand where I’m coming from. They think that if I stopped taking them I’d be dysfunctional. I’m glad they care but it’s also so frustrating bc they won’t budge from their stance that if the dr. thinks you need it, based on a few exchanges with someone I don’t know enough to fully open up to, then you must take it. The thing is docs have messed up before with my m3ds and given me things that have only made me worse (story for another day) before so I know it’s possibly with me. It’s scary.

Why do I keep saying so much? Anyways I suck, I’m a sad excuse for an 4n4, we’re all doomed and kinda pathetic. …yeah.

[lawain-dimensional-heroes]

Silent Scream Maroon

Send me “Silent Scream” for my muse to vent anything they’ve been keeping hidden inside.

"Oh? You haven't heard? There's been another influx of unstable dimension gates popping around other worlds that end up in other places of the universe-- most of them other worlds, but others sadly end up in space or near deadly stellar objects like stars, red dwarfs, white dwarfs, magnetars or even black holes. It's been going on for over A HUNDRED YEARS NOW and I was the first one in the family who knew about that and it's all due to his condition worsening the more energy he's being syphoned from being a dimension god without having the Azoth as his power source."

He had a glass of soda at hand, which he chugged it down quickly.

"I swear to god if this had happened for a millennia you'd think he would've done something-- ANYTHING. Hell, throw another god candidate as a replacement. But noooo. Instead he set that to the sidelines and decided that fucking like Zeus is the next best thing to do so the next hundred years he went out and married AND banged many of women, two of them being my mother and Elyia's mom, though I guess you've probably know the former already. And on top of that, guess who's really trying to fix the shitefest of an issue-- me, a guy who is a half dragon, separated from his mother and sister, having do deal with the reality that I'm going to have to become a god, while also working on fixing the broken trust between humans and dragons after a war while also have to go to other worlds to get stronger."

He nonchalantly pointed at himself upon saying the last sentence, before letting out a heavy sigh in annoyance.

"I get I'm his son and I get that my previous lives have done a lot and yes-- I get that he has trust in me to do the job-- but I'm just one guy, one guy who has to work on all of that ever since I REACHED THE AGE OF TEN. Some people just have to worry about school and get a relationship and get a stable job. Me other hand: I have to worry about keeping the dimensions save for my friends and family to live in and on top of that-- some people have the god damn gull to say that I have a fucking ego problem-- like yeah sure, tell that to someone who is basically forced to fix the mess his own father had made who just so happen to be a GOD DAMNED GOD."

He was about to take another swig of his drink-- only to remember that his glass was empty. Welp, that means only one thing..

"...'Xcuse me, can I have another fill?"

[the-bjd-community-confess]

This seems like an expensive hobby

New person: I guess this seems like an expensive hobby that’s a little hard to get into?

The usual reply: “Oh no-no-no, Anon, everyone can totally do this hobby on a budget for sure, we welcome everyone and there are dolls for every budget, here’s a bunch of links to companies that offer well-priced dolls!”

New person: Ok, here I go - Base doll + free eyes and company face-up $250.00 - ok, thats not too bad and I can afford that much, let’s do this!

Doll arrives, naked and bald, which they kind of expect, but experiencing that feels different when they actually see it that way, the reality hits and this doll is going to need some stuff right away to even keep it out on the shelf. And well, the face-up is meh, the eyes aren't really what they had in mind either. He doesn’t look or feel like their OC at all and they are not a very crafty person at all so…(here’s the part that we don’t tell new people who really are on a more strict budget they absolutely have to adhere to)

- a face-up you’d actually want $60-100+, then shipping both ways and a headless body for possibly months

- good quality eyes in in the proper color and size $30+, then shipping, rarely cheaper

- custom wig $50-75, then shipping

- suitable clothes, one set $90, then shipping, assuming something tailored decently

- shoes one pair $35, then shipping, if boots or something custom = more

- a few accessories for the character $80 and counting then shipping x 2-3 items

- mani/pedi/body blush $20-100+,  then shipping both ways, optional but often wanted

- stand $15-50, free shipping, optional but often wanted

So - tell us again how to do this hobby well without over-spending a very tight budget? Without compromising on the entire vision for a doll character OR without needing to learn 4-5 entirely new artistic disciplines quite well - including buying those related tools and supplies - which are also not within the budget. I’m sure we’ve all heard some of the (true) stories of plasma donation and people basically eating ramen for months but they are not really not ideal scenarios to recommend! (And of course recasts are never a relevant topic within this proper hobby universe, and rightly so.)

So the new person then vents a little frustration and expresses some disappointment now because basically the initial $250 is already spent and they are currently either stuck with a doll that they are unhappy with as-is or faced with spending more than they can really afford in order to improve it into something they may actually be happy with.

A common reply: “Well this is NOT a cheap or easy hobby, Anon!”

Yet anyone who dares to utter that last line from the start or makes a list of what they’ve actually spent on a doll is considered an elitist rather than just a realist speaking from their own experience. Doll base price is usually just the entry fee to this crazy hobby ride. Why don’t we just admit that?

~Anonymous

[xoxo-teddybear]

He’s Lost - Bakugou Katsuki - Part 1

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings - Angst, Physical Harm, Cursing, accused Cheating, Katsuki’s insecurities

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

A/N: This is my first writing piece but this has been stuck in my mind since v-day is coming up so I had to get it out. Plz enjoy!!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Summary: Y/N is so busy around Valentine’s, her lack of attention towards her Pomeranian is causing him to freak out and do the worst of the worst

Love is in the air! The birds are singing, The breeze is blowing, the setting sun is shining, and the explosive teen is.....well, bruting.

Can you blame him though? Y/N’s been a little distant ever since February started. Even right now, instead of enjoying their time together in a quiet park, she’s staring down at her phone doing who knows what.

Why? Was he not good enough? Has she gotten tired of him? They’ve only been together for a little over a year. Is she talking to someon- no. Katsuki stopped himself from thinking like that. There’s no way his precious teddy bear would ever do that. Not only that, he was the best there is. Why would she even try to go?

“You dumbass. You’re missing this.” Bakugou sighed. “Huh? What? Missing what?” Y/N looked around looking for whatever “this” was until Bakugou grabbed her chin to force her to look him in the eyes. “THIS DUMBASS! US! You’re so focused on that dumb phone. Jeez, can’t a guy just get his girl’s attention.” Bakugou said dramatically.

It wasn’t that Y/N wasn’t giving him attention, it’s that it wasn’t the same. Yea she right there snuggled into his arm. And yea she was petting his hair just the way he liked. And YES, she was peppering his face with kisses from time to time. But it all felt off? Like only half her energy was put into the love and affection.

“Suki, aren’t u being a little dramatic. I’m right here with you baby. I’m sorry if I’ve been a little distracted. Come here dummy.” And as Y/N pulls Bakugou in for a tighter hug all he can do is release a “hmph” while falling into it...until her phone went (ding!) once again. And she went to check it. Once again.

Bakugou was getting tired so he got up and suggested they’d head back to UA. Y/N only got up and began to walk beside him, hand in hand, while still checking her phone time to time. And Bakugou was getting sick of it

*Wtf is she doing on that piece of junk? What could be so important she would half ass our entire evening together? .....Could she possibly be talking to someone else?............no.* Bakugou let those negative thoughts die down as they continued their journey back.

——————————————————————————

A few days later

“COME ON!!” Bakugou screamed as he realeased a blast towards Kirishima. When Bakugou invited him to train, The red head initially thought it was to ...you know..TRAIN. But after some time, the blonde’s best friend began to see the bigger picture.

“Dude. What’s up with you man? We always go full on during training, but it’s not even like you’re trying to hit me. It feels like you’re just taking your anger out on me.” Kirishima said.

“Congrats on noticing shitty hair, I’m glad somebody’s noticing my damn mood.” Weirded out by his friend’s unusual openness, the red head continued to ask.

“So what’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“But you just-“

“NOPE!”

Bakugou exclaimed as he began to gather his stuff to leave the training area. “BAKUGOU!” Kiri shouted. “WHAT!” “.......it’s Y/N isn’t it?”

Upon hearing that, the blonde turned to look at his best friend with this sad puppy dog look. And man, if Katsuki had doggy ears, everyone would see how low they’d go. His best friend didn’t need to see it though, he could tell those ears would be 6 ft under if they were actually there bc there’s nothing hiding Katsuki’s vulnerability when it comes to Y/N. As the two best friends go to sit on the bleachers, Bakugou takes a deep breath before saying his thoughts.

“I think Y/N is cheating on me.”

“................HUH???!!!!”

Kirishima went from “caring and considerate” to “WHATDIDHESAYYY” in seconds. Y/N L/N?? Cheating?? Ok. Y/N was one fiesty girl, and she definitely had sass, power, attitude, and a little mischief, but she also had kindness, compassion, consideration, and honesty flowing though her. Not to mention extreme loyalty. There’s no way.

“Look man, with all due respect, I think you’ve finally lost it.” The red head laughed. “I’m being serious shitty hair.” The blonde stated. “She’s been so distracted lately. She’s always with me but it’s like her mind is also somewhere else. And not to mention that damn phone she’s always on now. She can’t go 30 minutes without checking it at least twice. And not only that, when she does leave to do whatever, she’s gone for hours at a time! What’s a guy supposed to think with all of that?! I mean it’d make sense if she wanted to leave. I get it, I can get loud, and yell, and I get angry a lot but.. she knows I never mean it, right? I call her a dumbass like i do everyone else...ugh but she isn’t just everyone else, she’s my girlfriend and she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.....SO WHY TF IS SHE CHEATIN-“ before the blonde could continue, his best friend cut him off.

“BAKUGOU” “WHAT??!!” “....talk to her.” Kirishima said. “What?” Bakugou asked. Kirishima continued. “Cheating is a real sensitive topic in a relationship. I don’t wanna give my opinion on something that could ruin something amazing. C’mon man, we both know Y/N isn’t like that but who am I to tell you what to do. I wanna help, I do, but I think it’s best if you go to her with all this. Honestly though, if you asked me, Y/N would be the last person I’d ever think of when it came to cheating on ANYTHING. Especially the guy she cares so much about.” And with that last sentence, Kirishima stood up from his spot and pat Bakugou on his shoulder before exiting.

With Bakugou left with nothing but his thoughts and Kirishima’s advice, he left and headed straight towards your room.

——————————————————————————

“Shut up!” You excitingly screamed though the phone. “You really found the last part?”

“Yup, it only took about 6 different stores across the entire city.” Shinsou sarcastically replied. “You owe me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know and I appreciate it. Katsuki’s gonna love his gift!” You said.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, you’ve been preparing only the best Valentine’s Day surprise for the best boyfriend in the world. You’ve been so busy planning your surprise that I guess you could say you haven’t been giving Katsuki the massive amount of attention he’s used to from you, but you can definitely say it’ll all be worth it when he sees one of his presents that you’ve been working on. A silencer for his gauntlet blasts that not only decreases the volume of his attacks, but also increases his attack power. You remember how Bakugou had vented about his attacks being too loud that they scare people, but when he tried to keep them quiet, the attack isn’t as powerful so saving can be quite difficult. He only spoke about it once, but you could see the look on his face whenever he was out using his quirk around civilians. So why not give him a device that’ll help with his loud little problem. Now were you a support class student who knew how to make support items? Hell no. But were you a loving girlfriend willing to give her man the best Valentine’s Day ever? Hell yeah.

The piece of gear would’ve been easier to make IF it weren’t for a pesky piece of the project getting destroyed by Shinsou after he made Denki electrocute himself while he was right next to your prototype on the table. So to make it up to you, Shinsou went all around town looking for the piece you needed to complete your support item for Katsuki. Finally, all pieces had come together.

“He better. That damn bastard doesn’t know how amazing his girlfriend is. Instead of ignoring his ass these past few weeks, you sent ME to get all this shit for you so you could keep your precious Pomeranian happy.” Shinsou said while rolling his baggy eyes.

As Bakugou approached the outside of your dorm room’s door, he heard your voice.

“You know, you’re so right. That Pomeranian is unaware of just exactly how amazing I am. I really could’ve left whenever but I stuck around.” You snorted. “Well I’m glad I had you with me through it all Shinsou.”

*Pomeranian? SHINSOU?!? Through IT ALL?!?!? YOU WERE WITH THAT PURPLE HAIRED, SLEEP DEPRIVED ASS MIND CONTROLLING FREAK?!?? AND YOU WERE WITH HIM THE ENTIRE TIME YOU’VE BEEN DATING BAKUGOU?!?*

Oh to say Katsuki was pissed was an understatement. He felt all these emotions hitting him all at once. Anger, Disgust, Pain, Betrayal. It all became too much for him before Katsuki ran away from your down with his bed down and silent tears hitting the floor. When he let himself fall to the floor in the privacy of his room he screamed into his hands. His first love, his first real relationship, his teddy bear betraying his love, loyalty, and trust for over an entire year. After hours of crying, Katsuki was able to pull himself into bed. He couldn’t even bring himself to shower even though he spent all that time in the gym with Kirishima. He just wanted to sleep to escape reality. As he looked at his phone, he saw 1 missed call from Y/N, and 1 text saying “Goodnight love💗💥!” Bakugou scoffed at the text. Figuring u must be texting Shinsou the same thing. As Bakugou placed his phone down, an evil thought came to mind. Ruin her.

Bakugou smirked to himself as he had this pyscho and sinister look on his face. He would ruin Y/N. They haven’t officially broken up yet, so he could hurt her just as she hurt him. And Bakugou wasn’t stupid or so he thought he’s aware Valentine’s is coming up, so why not break little Y/N L/N’s heart on a day dedicated to nothing but love and happiness. It’ll be the perfect revenge on a little satin like her. Bakugou finally turned on his side with an evil, satisfied smile, and fat tears in his eyes once more.

——————————————————————————

The next morning, Katsuki got up with a broken heart, but he figured if he wanted his plan to work, he had to fake this smile. Getting up, getting ready, and getting dressed was business as usual, but meeting up with Y/N in the morning was now off the schedule. Instead of going into her room to check on her like he usually does, he just went straight to breakfast and straight to class without speaking to anyone.

With Class 1-A seated and Mr.Aizawa at the head of the classroom, the students can finally start their first lesson of the day. Until, the door slid wide open. There stood an exhausted and quite frankly dishelved Y/N. “My apologies sensei. I was up late last night and overslept. Please forgive me.” Y/N said as she bowed her head in sorry. “Just take your seat L/N.” The tired eye teacher said.

As Y/N walked to her desk, she noticed Bakugou wouldn’t even glance her way. She was a little thrown off since it would be normal for him to at least give her a judgemental look for sleeping in, but no. Nothing.

Bakugou on the other hand was writhing in agony. Oh how he wanted to check on Y/N and make sure everything was fine, but that voice in the back of his head couldn’t help but tell him to ignore her since she’s a cheater. She may have been the girl he’s loved dearest, but she was also the one causing his heart to shatter.

After a few classes, Y/N tried to approach Bakugou several times, but each time he brushed her off. And when the bell finally rang for lunch, you can bet Katsuki was the first one out the door. Y/N followed him of course, in worry and concern.

“Babe! Baby! Katsuuu!!! KATSUKII!” Y/N whined for her boyfriend to at least look at her but once again. Nothing. Bakugou wanted to hug her and hold her tight but he couldn’t. Not after what she’s done. Right before Bakugou entered the cafeteria, Y/N pulled him aside and held onto his wrists.

“Baby? Hey, what’s up with you? I’ve been calling your name and trying to talk to you but you keep brushing me off. You also didn’t stop by this morning. Is something wrong, love?” Y/N was hoping for something. ANYTHING at this point. And it was like the gods heard her prayer because she definitely got....something. “My bad.” The blonde haired boy dryly replied. “....Oh, um, ok suki.” The poor girl just thought her dear boyfriend was having a bad day, so she just left it alone and let him go. But still, even on his worse days he would at least visit her in the mornings. As they sat down with the bakusquad, the entire table noticed how Bakugou sat up and moved across from Y/N after she chose to sit next to him like usual. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and Kirishima could already feel what had gone down. He at least knew his bro didn’t talk to his girl. Not manly at all.

——————————————————————————

Valentine’s Day

During lunch, Kirishima has finally decided to speak to Bakugou about this whole thing. He hasn’t been getting any updates since their time in the gym, so when it was just him and his best friend having lunch together, he went for it.

“Man what the hell is going on with you and Y/N? I’ve noticed you’ve been avoiding her like crazy,” Kirishima said while stuffing his face, nervous about the answer. “I was right all along.” The blonde sadly spoke. “She’s been cheating on me since the start of our entire relationship. And with that baggy eyed freak from 1-B.”

Kirishima couldnt believe what he was hearing. He almost choked on his food. Y/N was actually cheating. I guess people don’t know people as well as he thought. “.....wow...I’m sorry man.” The red haired friend said. He was at a lost for words and didn’t know what else to say. *sigh* “don’t be. It all goes down tonight.” Bakugou said with a sad smile. “What do you mean?” His friend asked. The blonde looked at him right in his red eyes. “I’m breaking her heart tonight, on the one day of the year dedicated to love.”

Meanwhile

Instead of going to lunch, Y/N spent her time finishing up Katsuki’s surprise in his room. Yeah, he’s been having a bad past few days so why not bring him a smile with these amazing gifts on the day of love. Although Y/N didn’t really feel the love today (due to Katsuki again being so distant and ignoring her “good morning blasty💥💗!” And “Happy Valentine’s Day my love♥️!” Texts) she was determined to make sure Katsuki knew just exactly how much she loved him. She was almost done setting up in his room. Rose petals on the bed, Candles everywhere, 4 different gifts including his new support item made by you, his favorite meal is going to be set here on his table, and you and him together spending every loving second with each other. Y/N didn’t realize that because of her setup, she missed the entire rest of the day. “Meh, so worth it when I see the look on Suki’s face.” Tonight is going to be perfect.....or so you thought.

You didn’t expect to find Katsuki in your room, sitting on the edge of you bed waiting for you with his head hanging low and his shoulders slumped.

*maybe he has a surprise for me....? Yea that has to be it!* Y/N happily thought as she closed the door.

“Suki!! Happy Valentine’s Day!” Y/N said with all the love in her heart as she ran and jumped on the boy for a hug. But Bakugou didn’t say anything. He didn’t move. He just glanced back up at her, giving her this cold stare. Y/N was too busy professing her undying love for her boyfriend to even notice his scary silence. “Suki I’m really glad it’s you who I have in my life,” the love sicken girl bashfully spoke while looking at the ground. “You make me so happy and I feel so blessed being able to spend my life with you in it. I really hope you know just how much I care and lov-“ Bakugou couldn’t listen to this bullshit anymore. He pushed Y/N off of him just before she could say those 3 words that would get him to break.

“Hey! Suki? Why would you do that?!” Y/N exclaimed while standing back up. “I hate you.” The blonde spoke coldly. As those words left his mouth, Y/N heart and world were falling apart. Her eyes went wide open and her jaw slightly dropped. As she was about to say something else, Katsuki cut her off with “I’m breaking up with your dumbass. Right here. Right now!” Bakugou yelled. Y/N was in shock. She felt hurt, pain, she was just feeling so broken.

As tears filled her eyes, she asked “w-why?” as she tried to reach out to him. “Why? WHY?!” Bakugou screamed as he stood up above her slapping her hand away. “THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WHY, Y/N. YOU’RE A FUCKING CHEATER, THATS WHY!” The blonde yelled in her face. Y/N couldn’t believe it. He thought she was cheating? Why would she even do that? She already has the best person in the world for her so why? “DONT EVEN GIVE ME THAT “it didn’t mean anything, Suki!” BULLSHIT. I DONT GIVE A FUCK, CUZ YOU’VE BEEN CHEATING ON ME AND PLAYING ME FOR A DAMN FOOL THIS ENTIRE FUCKING TIME!” Bakugou went on as his voice began to crack while tears flowed down his porcelain face. “YOU LIED TO ME. I GAVE YOU MY ENTIRE BEING AND YOU FUCKING LIED. YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH, I CANT BELIEVE I EVER LOVED A SORRY EXCUSE OF A PERSON LIKE YOU. I HATE YOU SO DAMN MUCH, I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK I SAW IN YOU!” Y/N’s heart hit the ground. No actually, it went 6 ft under because after all that he’s said, her heart is dead. Broken. In agony. “Suki I-“ “DONT FUCKING CALL ME THAT L/N.” Hearing him refer to her with her family name hit so hard. “KATSUKI PLEASE! I DIDNT DO ANYTHING I SWEA-“ as Y/N tried to reach out to him, he interrupted her again and pushed her hand away. “I SAID DONT CALL ME THAT!”

The blonde yelled, except this time....he didn’t only yell. The burning scent of smoke came into his nose and the loud explosion could be heard throughout the building. The product of what he just did came to him. He just attacked the love of his life. As much as Y/N hurt him, Katsuki still loved her with his everything. And the fact that he subconsciously attacked her broke him even more. Y/N’s screams of pain reached his ears, as he looked down and saw his precious teddy bear with a burned arm and fat tears on her face, crying in pain.

Bakugou ran down to her level to try and help her. “Y/N! Hey, hey teddy bear look I’m so-“ Y/N pushed him away before he could continue. “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU BAKUGOU?!” Ouch. His family name felt like poison coming from your tongue. “Princess, I’m sorry I didn’t-“ “SHUT UP AND LET ME SPEAK FOR ONCE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!” Y/N screamed as she stood up to face him. “I DIDNT FUCKING CHEAT ON YOU. WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT WHEN YOU’RE THE BEST DAMN THING THATS EVER HAPPENED TO ME?!..ah!” Y/N was cut off by the stinging of her wound, and Bakugou couldn’t do anything but stare. Y/N grabbed onto her wound before continuing. “I love you Bakugou. I wouldn’t even dream about doing wrong by you. I thought I was a good girlfriend or at least a good person-“ Bakugou quickly interrupted “No! Y/N you are, I just-“ “If I am then what the hell made you even think of me so lowly? What the hell did I do to make you question my loyalty? What the hell did I do that was worthy of you burning my fucking arm?!” Y/N cried out.

Silence fell upon the room. It felt like hours before anybody said anything. Both people had heavy tears in their face now. One crying because he realized he was an idiot and harmed the girl who did nothing wrong, and One crying because she did nothing wrong but ended up being a villain in her loved one’s life. Y/N broke the silence with a scoff.

“You know what Suki?” Y/N said looking him in the eyes. “Yes teddy bear?” Bakugou quickly replied with wide, desperate eyes upon hearing the loving nickname, thinking they would move on from this horrible incident. “Get the fuck out.” Y/N said in a low voice. Bakugou was shocked. He knew he fucked up horribly but after realizing the truth, he can’t leave you! He loves you too damn much for that! “What? Y/N please listen to me, I’m sor-“ “I DONT GIVE A FUCK! Leave..please.” The sad girl cried. Bakugou grabbed onto her shoulders begging her to not end this. “Y/N please! Please princess! I’m so fucking sorry! I’m an idiot, I know, and I definitely don’t deserve you but please I can’t lose you.” Bakugou said with tears falling down his face. “Please don’t do this to us. Please don’t do this to me, I’m BEGGING YOU.” “Bakugou-“ The sad boy cut you off, shaking his head, “ NO ITS SUKI. YOUR SUKI. YOUR KATSUKI.......please teddy bear I need you.......h-here let me help yo-”

You harshly pushed the boy off of you and as he tried to desperately go back to you, you used your quirk to keep him at bay. “Bakugou Katsuki. I’m leaving this room since you won’t, and I won’t come back until I know you’re out of my room.” Y/N began as she looked at him with cold, sad eyes. “From now on, you won’t have to worry about this bitch because I’ll stay out of your life, I swear. Don’t look at me, don’t touch me, DONT EVEN TALK TO ME. Just leave me alone....we’re done.” And with that Y/N ran out of her room, and out of the building, needing to get away from the place for a little bit. She could deal with her wound later. She just needed to get away. Bakugou just stood there in sadness and shock. As much as he wanted to run after you, he figured he’d give you a little breather. You guys could fix things in the morning...right?

Bakugou waited an hour in your room waiting for you, but you were right. You really weren’t coming back until he left your private area. So that’s what he did. With a heavy heart, he picked himself up and dragged his feet back to his dorm. He looked like a mess. He knew he did. Messy hair, red swollen eyes, dry lips. His entire body screamed heartbroken. When he open the door, instant regret and love hit him at once. His room was covered with rose petals and flowers, there were candles everywhere, heart shaped balloons all around, he had 4 different boxes of gifts, and two plates of extra spicy curry was set on his table, obviously cold now. What caught his eye was that one of the gift boxes had a note attached to it. With tears in his eyes, he read it.

Hey Suki! It’s Valentine’s Day! I love you to the moon and back and so much more. There’s no words that are able to describe the way I feel about you. You drive me insane in all the right ways and I love it! Lol. I hope you like your Valentine’s Day surprise. I’ve been working for weeks on it, so I’m sorry if I’ve been a little distracted. I know I’ve been kinda absent these past few days but I promise I’ll make it up to you love! Hopefully I can start with this gift that I’ve been working on. Enjoy your brand new grenade silencer! Made it myself just for you. There’s nothing else in the world like this. I love you Bakugou Katsuki!

(P.S. If Shinsou from 1-B gives you shit about it, it’s because I made him drag his ass everywhere to look for a missing part so I wouldn’t have to leave you so much)

XOXO, Your forever teddy bear <3

As he quickly opened the gift, he saw it. A silencer that would attach to his gauntlets to make the sound quieter and the blast even more powerful. It was incredible. You are incredible. He only ever mentioned the sound of his blasts once, and you listened and you fixed it.

Bakugou shook as tears began to fall onto the paper. He couldn’t believe it. Everything started coming together now. The reason you were so distracted was because you were setting this up for him. You were always on the phone because you were assembling pieces and ordering gifts for him. You weren’t cheating on him with Shinsou. You were making sure he could find something that you needed for him. Y/N L/N was truly the best girlfriend in the world. Scratch that, she is the best girlfriend in the world. No scratch that too, she’s just the best, period. And Bakugou’s idiotic self ruined everything for him. All because he couldn’t have a little faith in his teddy bear. As Katsuki cried and cried, he set everything aside.

He took the petals off his bed. He didn’t deserve it. He blew out the candles around his room. He didn’t deserve it. He popped the balloons, and ignored the food. He laid in bed with more tears than ever, and looked at the ceiling. He finally turned to his side to fall asleep, but not before grabbing the picture on his bedside nightstand. A picture of you and him. He remembers that picture oh so clearly. It was his birthday, and while he didn’t want to celebrate, you did everything in your power to make it the best one yet. And you did just that. Bakugou hugged that picture so tight, because he didn’t have you in his arms tonight. He didn’t think he would ever have you in his arms again. So Bakugou Katsuki continued to cry until he was asleep, escaping from the reality of him losing his love, his teddy bear, his princess, and his Y/N.

Bakugou Katsuki never lost, no. He’s always been ahead, always number one, always the best. He always won and achieved and nothing ever stopped him. Except this time, the only thing that stopped him and caused him to lose, was himself. He lost. He lost his everything. His world, his rock, his heart, his Y/N. He’s lost without her in his life, and at this point he thinks he’s lost at life. There was nothing that could fix him unless it was you coming back to him.

Bakugou Katsuki? He’s lost.

A/N: HOLY SHIT! That was my very first writing piece and it was just a Drabble of a thought I’ve been having. Sorry if it’s a little off and weird, I’m still new to writing but hopefully I’ll get better. This was NOT spell checked so my apologies for any mistakes. I hope you enjoyed reading this! Thx for the love!

[crystal-moon-101]

(Updated Drawing for a second time) Name: Jay Maxwell Tennyson Nickname: Jace, Jay Jay, Human Omnitrix, Lill’ Ben, Hero Boy, Omni Boy (By Feike) Age: 13 Gender: Male Birthday: February 7 Sexual Orientation: ??? (Just like his father) Ethnicity/Species: American/Japanese - Human/'Omnitrix' Personality: Adventurous, Often has self-doubt, Sensitive, Cultured, Dependable, Brave, Hopeful, Persistent, Impulsive, Jokester, Trustful, Has slight anxiety problems, Forgiving, Selfless. Hobbies: Gaming, mostly survival games. A couple of sports (He's known to play tennis with his mother). Learning and Reading up on aliens and their cultures. Collecting items/souvenirs. Photography. Designing with Family:

Ben Tennyson - (Father/Jay has always looked up to his father, striving to be a hero like. However, there are issues between them, in that Jay struggles with how often his father isn't around, out in space-saving the day on another planet. He understands why this is, but it makes it hard to spend time together, along with seeing the struggles his mother goes through, even if she accepts this with Ben. That being said, anytime Ben visits, Jay jumps at the chance to spend time with his father.)

Julie Yamamoto - (Mother/Absolutely adores his mother and vice versa. Since Ben is often away, Jay has picked up a lot of Julie's habits and behaviour, even hobbies, like tennis. He's always eager to help her around and the house and spending quality mother and son time. He's very thankful his mother raised him to be patient, kind and polite, a big part of his personality.)

Ship - (Pet - Galvanic Metamorph/He's always loved the pet blob of the family. When he was born, Ship was very excited about Jay's presence, doing whatever he could to make the baby boy laugh. It's been the same, even as Jay grew up. The happy blob will always comfort the boy, especially through his anxiety attacks or self-doubt moments.)

Muse - (Pet - Null Void Guardian/Muse wasn't the kind of pet Jay thought he'd get, but he loves her anyway. Having saved her during a mission in the null void, the creature became rather attached to him as they don't normally have positive interaction with other species, even their caretakers. She loves cuddles and having Jay's attention, but can be very protective if anyone dares to hurt her human.) 

Tundra, Orion, Vale, Neva, North, Crystal, Alaska, Micha, Storm, Gray, Raine, Arlo, Zodiac and Lux - (Half-Siblings/Jay is very close to his fourteen Necrofriggians siblings, despite the species differences. He's never really questioned how unusual it was having them as siblings, even when people give weird glances. His siblings also adore their baby brother, spoiling him whenever they visit.)

Ivory - (Kind of half sister? It’s complicated/When Jay bumped into Ivory the first time, during a mission where Khyber was running around, he had to say he was surprised to see someone who had similar features to him and to his dad. After explaining this run-in with his parents, it didn’t take them long to come to the conclusion she must be the daughter of Albedo, back from when he was still human. Since then, Jay has tried reaching out to her, not only because he believes she can find a better life beyond Khyber, but also because he has a feeling she wants family, just as he wouldn’t mind having another sibling around...But for now, she brushes him off.)

Gwen Tennyson - (First cousin once removed/'Aunt'/Much like Ben, he looks up to his aunt, always eager to hear stories she shares with her father and Kevin. Since Gwen and Kevin aren't off earth as much as Ben now of days, Julie and Jay often visit for dinners. He likes to ask her help with schoolwork during these visits, though lately he's also been interested in learning about Ledgerdomain. Gwen has a feeling it might be because of a certain spell caster he is crushing on, but he hasn't said anything.)

Kevin Levin - (first cousin once removed in-law/'Uncle'/Somehow, Kevin was often the one that both Jay and Thea were dumped on to babysit. He would complain, but he really did adore the pair, even recording some of their younger interactions and adventure, which were both hilarious and adorable. Jay likes to show his uncle love when he can, as he knows very well how rough Kevin's background is.)

Cynthia Levin - (Second Cousins/The two basically act like siblings, teasing one another, hanging out often and venting to each other when they need it. Even if the two-act like opposites, they play off each other well. With Thea being more bombastic and outward, she helps keep Jay out of all the trouble he gets caught in by mistake. She does what she can to protect him from bullies or galaxy criminals, sometimes even from himself. That being said, Jay is one of the only few who can pull her back from her aggression, showing her that there are calmer and nicer ways to handle things. His forgiving nature sometimes worries her, because she knows it'll backfire and get him hurt sometimes, but she has been amazed by it, as shown through his many connections with aliens they've met, even some who were dangerous or criminals. Even if they have hard arguments or struggle to understand one another at times, they'll always have each other's back.)

Ken Tennyson - (First cousin once removed/'Uncle'/While he enjoys his life with space and aliens, he does appreciate having a family member who is very down to earth. Ken is a very supportive and wise uncle, often knowing just what to say or do to cheer Jay up.)

Carl Tennyson - (Grandfather/Carl, of course, loves his grandson, happy to babysit him and have him over. However, because of Carl's effects of galaxy life and aliens as a child, he sometimes struggles to talk with Jay, who adores that lifestyle. Jay understands, as he and Carl both had/have Plumber fathers often off-world, along with how his grandfather was somewhat abandoned by Verdona, his own mother, in his younger years.)

Sandra Tennyson - (Grandmother/Sandra has always doted on her grandbaby since he was born. Always jumping to babysit, playing with him and proudly shows him off to her friends. She is also the one who inspired his photography hobby.)

Mr Yamamoto - (Grandfather/Despite Julie's father's issues towards Ben, he's always been gentle and kind towards Jay, often being the one to remind him of the beauty of earth.)

Verdona - (Great Grandmother/Verdona and Jay have a friendly relationship, often openly showing affection through hugs or chatting away. While it does somewhat hurt, he doesn't resent her for mostly coming around for Gwen and Thea, because of their Anodite sides. Since he can change into different aliens, he understands very well that every alien functions different, so he can't fault her in her behaviour, so he'll take what he can get.)

Maxwell Tennyson - (Great Grandfather/A legend in Jay's eyes, being who his middle name is from. Even though Max is retired and spends these days in his RV with Xyelne, he's always happy to tell Jay stories of his old Plumber days. The boy will listen to every word with wonder in his eyes. Max has even told stories on Ben when he was very young, including the summer vacation when he first got the watch. It always puts a smile on the boy's face.)

Xylene - (Great Grandfather Figure/While Xylene isn’t amazing with kids due to her background, her and Jay get along nicely since he’s a polite and calm boy. She has a way of speaking with Jay where she can be blunt and honest, but in a manner that he understands and doesn't get hurt by. Like getting that needed push to do something.)

Frank Tennyson - (Great Uncle/He enjoys the boy's soft presents and can always ask Jay for help here and there.)

Natalie Tennyson - (Great Aunt/Natalie likes having Jay around, as he's always eager to help with housework. She does love her granddaughter, but having a quieter child around is sometimes more preferred.)

Friends:

Vanessa Morningstar - (The two have a sweet relationship, despite Thea’s rivalry with her and Vanessa’s parents. They treat each other with respect and trust, and for Vanessa, this is something not common to her. He's always ready to listen to her and doesn't believe she is destined to be a villain, even with her heritage. There have also been noticeable sparks between the two, but with all that goes on, it's hard to make something of it.)

Malax Shard - (Friend/A common friend and partner in Plumber training. Unlike Thea's uncertainty towards his gentle side, Malax has full trust in it. She knows his personality is rare in this line of work and is something desperately needed at times. That being said, she's often the one to give him the tough talks about reality and how harsh it gets. He respects her for this and both would have each other's back in any fight.)

Rook Rilla - (Friend/Another common friend and partner in Plumber training. The two have known each other since childhood, due to how close their fathers were. Rilla’s dry wit and no nonsense attitude has, admittedly, gotten Jay out of some tough problems, and the two play off each other well while working on the field.)

Feike - (Friend/He started out with issues towards Feike, mostly because of his flirting towards Thea. But, over time, Jay has started to see more to him. It's clear to him Feike isn't exactly happy where he is and feels trapped, being abused and manipulated by his boss, Sciros. He's tried reaching out to him, but the other teen likes to brush it off and tells him not to get involved.)

Renata - (Friend/Because of Reiny and Ben's friendship, there had been some playdates set up between the two when they were young. Despite how hard it is to communicate with Renata, Jay has come to understand how to talk to her, thanks to these playdates. He'll often go to her for space politic problems, given her status and training. Even though she doesn't show much emotions, she can show a protective side around him.)

Azmuth - (Friend/Azmuth is normally the one to take a look at his biology and powers if needed. Ben has also dropped Jay off for rare babysitting, Azmuth can only be so thankful Jay will listen to him and be quiet when told. He's always found it amusing how gentle Jay is compared to his father. He's also to happily talk about embarrassing moments about Ben to the boy.)

Etherea’Liss - (Friend/Their first meeting had been a little iffy, as Jay had met Zs’Skayr a few months before meeting her. But he quickly came to see that Ectonurites are not like him, and she's always happy to educate him on her home planet and people. In return, he helps her adjust to life outside of her home.)

Enemies:

Eldrigma (Enemy/Ever since this man showed up, Jay has been chasing him across the galaxy, feeling responsible in stopping him. However, with each encounter, they learn something new, that there's more to the story behind this man. As much as he wants to stop him and fight him, Jay is starting to see something grim and sorrowful behind the man's dark outside.)

Professor Alate - (Enemy/Honestly, this man creeps him the hell out. His intelligence as always been trouble for Jay, often getting outsmarted by the scientist. This wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't for the fact that Alate has this dedicated goal to catch Jay and experiment on him, mostly because of his Omnitrix biology.)

Sciros (Enemy/Jay has nothing but bad thoughts about this man, stemmed from kidnapping him and hurting friends like Feike and Vanessa, tricking and abusing them. He desperately wants to keep his friends away from the man, but his grip is tight and he knows how to keep them inline.)

Vilgax ('Enemy?'/It’s mostly Vilgax’s history with his father that scares him the most. Vilgax can be a hard foe to fight and is willing to use Jay to get revenge on Ben, however, with Jay’s teachings from his father and the fact Vilgax doesn’t have that great of an understanding since it’s been twenty years, Jay can fight against him and survive him. After seeing Vilgax around, he’s come to the realization that Vilgax isn’t as scary as most of the other villains Jay is currently fighting. He’s also given warnings to Vilgax about Alate.)

Representing Song: Human - Christina Perri

Skills: Enhanced Endurance/Stamina. Alien Morphing (He's able to turn into aliens without a watch, thanks to his unique biology). Hand-To-Hand Combat. Multilingualism (Jay can actually speak and understand a few alien languages, comes in handy). Photographic Memory. Makeup, dress ups, hairstyles, Jay is amazing at finding the right outfit or disguising others.

Weakness/Flaws/Fears: Monophobia (Fear of being alone or lonely), Atychiphobia (Fear of failure), Sometimes Anthropophobia (Fear of people. But depending on what people are currently like, especially in school, also depending on his mood) Slight Catoptrophobia (Fear of mirrors. Sometimes he can’t stand looking into the mirror, easily after something sudden or traumatic) Didaskaleinophobia (Fear of school) Autophobia (Fear of oneself). Sometimes changing aliens, becoming one or turning human can fail, especially if he has barely any focus. He keeps his injuries and damage he gets from fights as his aliens, even in his human form. Lack of energy or being rendered unconscious can make him turn back to human. He gains the weakness of his aliens. He needs to focus to be able to transform. His hidden sensitivity and anxiety can hinder his progress and the mission he’s on. He has a habit of taking on too much work, struggling to say no to others who depend on him. In rare cases, his biology can go out of whack sometimes, causing things like blindness, dizziness, struggling to walk E.T.C but it’s never permanent, so far. In his human form, he isn’t the strongest fighter and barely has any defense in tanking hits.

First Ten Forms:

War Roar

Cibeetle

Lavizard

Hollow Woods

Katana

Shadow Puppet

Manta Wave

Smitemare

Power Source

Sin Reaper

[floralovebot]

Helia and Tecna friendship headcanons? -lambofzenith

AHHHHHHHHHH okay so

helia is really bad at technology right? pretty much anything that isn't covered in red fountain lessons, he's a complete no-go at. tecna takes it upon herself to try and help him understand basic technology a bit more and it goes so wrong. helia is literally the mom that squints their eyes and holds their phone away from their face while using One pointer finger to type everything. tecna hates it so much.

helia naturally doesn't understand a single thing that comes out of her mouth when she's talking technology but he still supports her nonetheless

helia is surprisingly rational most of the time! he's a firm Push All My Emotions Down And Then One Day I'll Die kind of person so even during really stressful missions, he's good at keeping a level head about things. tecna really appreciates this and it's not rare to see her, helia, and timmy discussing mission-related strategies During The Middle Of A Fight

tecna has a tendency to talk while she works (only noticeable around people she's comfortable with though) but she gets a little self-conscious about it. she knows it's not Bad or anything, but it doesn't seem Right either so she tries to keep quiet most of the time. helia on the other hand is so used to working while it's noisy that he's totally chill with it. they've gotten used to just vibing in the same room, working on their own things, and not actually talking to each other during it. they're comfortable around each other :) helia doesn't mind when she rambles out loud and tecna doesn't mind him pacing around the room every five minutes. symbiotic relationship.

tecna doesn't like talking about what she went through in the omega dimension, even with timmy. however, she does occasionally draw things out when she really needs to vent and can't think of any other way how. she's always been good at sketching due to her background in designing gadgets so this wasn't a weird transition for her. helia told her about this anonymous place for artists to submit their art with absolutely no names attached and after checking to make sure it was legit and she was completely safe, she started to submit one or two a year. she doesn't like to do it often but it does help to sort of "get it out" without actually talking about it.

while helia is notoriously Bad at video games, he does actually like the more "physical reality" ones (think that virtual reality tecmy scene!) mainly because it feels close enough to real life that he doesn't need to rely on just technology to do it. tecna and helia often have very competitive gaming matches but specifically within those kinds of games otherwise, he's really bad at it and she gets annoyed that he can't remember any of the buttons.

speaking of competitions, helia has an inner bet going on of How Much Can I Pretend To Not Know Jackshit About A Specific Technological Topic Before Tecna Notices. what he doesn't know, is that tecna knows he does this and has her own inner bet of How Long Can I Explain This Specific Topic Before Helia Gets Bored And Moves On. so far, the score is mostly even, with helia only winning because timmy isn't aware of this mental battle and will often jump in to explain things too. helia is very smug about this and tecna can't say anything to timmy otherwise she loses the fight that no one actually set firm rules on.

timmy is just really happy that his two best friends are also friends and sometimes he tries to invite helia and flora on their dates. tecna is okay with this only because she thinks it's funny. florelia were also okay with it but started to not be because they realized that their version of a date and tecmy's version of a date was extremely different. they've started to come up with increasingly ridiculous excuses for why they can't go and so far timmy is the only one that hasn't noticed. poor timmy, he genuinely thinks flora's best friend cactus is sick and needs care 😔

when timmy isn't available, helia will call tecna for any technology related issues he's having. on one hand, she likes that he trusts her and can rely on her, on the other hand, she's told him ten separate times not to leave his computer running all the damn time. (tecna: please turn the computer off when you're not using it. this will immensely help solve all of the problems you've been having. helia: okay so i'm gonna leave it on all the time?). he's not trying to be difficult though. he just forgets everything and assumes it should work regardless (he a little stupit).

roxy gets so much gender envy from both of them and it confuses her all the time. they have no idea what a gender envy is though and they're mostly just wondering how they stop giving it to roxy since it seems like it agitates her??? help please???? researching the matter doesn't help and it ends up becoming a meme on winx stan twt because tecna made a very official and serious post asking about the severity of "gender envy" and needing to know how contagious it is. now whenever either of them posts, earth teens just comment gender envy at them. helia still doesn't know what it means.

they don't watch movies/tv together but they will binge-watch the same shows and then talk about them later on. tecna's formatting is still very formal and functional meanwhile helia bounces off multiple points and forgets to make a conclusion. he stresses her out so much.

helia notices when tecna has stayed up too long for too many nights and will occasionally send her a "please sleep" message when he knows timmy is already asleep and can't do it. she doesn't always listen but sometimes she will, but not before sending the same message back because why the fuck is he up at this hour huh dumbass?????

tecna has a pet bird and helia has multiple cats and they absolutely cannot be in the same room together. her bird is constantly trying to fight his cats and while they're usually well behaved, he's genuinely scared they're gonna try to eat it (tecna: stop calling my bird an "it"; helia: stop putting your bird near my cats 😐)

they actually don't like hanging out when one of them is upset. they both have a hard time talking about their emotions (for different reasons obviously) and they always end up feeling like they have to say something when they're together. they just really prefer hanging when they're both in a good mood or at least calm. whenever one of them gets upset, they stop hanging out together until that person feels better.

connected to the last point, you'd think that would mean they don't know a lot about each other, but they surprisingly do! they're both relatively observant people (tecna gets better every year) and they're actually really good at figuring out why the other is upset and what would help. they just don't talk about it.

although, on a similar note, the one time they did have an emotional talk, it was about timmy. tecna was feeling upset again and worrying over whether or not she's "too logical/not emotional enough" and it was the one time where she actually allowed herself to hang out with him while being upset. they had a genuine heart to heart about things and especially about how she's way too hard on herself. they thought it would be awkward since they actively avoided this kind of thing but it wasn't! it went very naturally and helia even teared up a bit. he's very proud of her and the effort she makes every day and since that talk has been much more vocal about it.

when they went to earth in s4, they both spent way too much time learning about Earth Things; tecna about earth media (canon), and helia about animals since that's what flora was talking about. he started calling tecna "chip" after that because chipmunks reminded him of her. she disagrees with this assessment and he refuses to admit he mixed up chipmunks and squirrels. he still calls her chip to this day, and fortunately, it's grown on her. unfortunately, he calls timmy "chip" too, and now it's a hassle to figure out who he's talking to.

helia is surprisingly interested in zenith technology despite not understanding it all! he enjoys walking through the streets of zenith with tecna while she proudly points things out so he can go "ooo aaa" at everything. sometimes she tries to explain how things work and his mind starts playing elevator music automatically. tecna has gotten really good at knowing when helia is just. brain empty no thoughts because she recognizes the Empty look in his eyes. she enjoys catching it live and trying to figure out why he's just. not thinking (usually it's because he either doesn't understand something or got bored) (this happens often when sky starts talking) (sorry sky)

tecna is one of the winx (besides flora of course) that helia trusts the most. not in an emotional or friend way, but in a physical, we're on a mission way. she has good control of her magic and knows how to use it. she's good at thinking of strategies and applying them properly to the situation. and after the omega dimension, he had a newfound respect for her previously unknown to him survival skills. if he were even in severe danger, she would be the first winx he'd call (depending on the situation, she is occasionally ahead of flora).

helia is really bad at sharing details. he tends to go straight to the conclusion but doesn't share how he got there (adhd king 😌) and tecna is the best person to call in when this happens. her logical questioning makes it seem so easy because she has the patience and knowledge to connect the dots and ask the right questions. when anyone else tries its more like (helia: i'm sitting in a pool of blood; person: uhm do you know where it's coming from?; helia: probably the stab wound; someone: did you get stabbed??; helia: oh yeah definitely.)

[bbdaydreams]

Courage My Love// Semi Eita x Reader

Series Masterlist•next>

Chapter One: Late

You and Semi were assigned to sit next to each other in your English class during your first year which is how you initially met. About a quarter through the year Semi noticed you had the letter “X” in black marker on the back of your hand which led him to ask if you went to a show the night before. You said yes and told him what band you saw which made him light up and show you his hand as proof that he was there too.

“Dude, let me know when you go to a show! We could go together,” Semi told you with a grin on his face.

“Will do, bro,” you smiled back at him.

Since then, you’ve been concert buddies and best friends. You weren’t afraid to run up to tackle the other from a distance. Semi’s lent you multiple sweatshirts that other students immediately have identified as his considering the size difference. You’ve gone into his personal bubble many times, mostly to bother him by squishing his face. Other’s believe there’s more going on between you two but you’re both quick to shut down those comments, even if in reality you did harbor feelings for him.

You were both currently in his dorm fiddling with tunes on your guitars. “Y/n, you’re going too fast. Slow down,” Semi laughed while holding your wrists in place on the guitar.

“Dammit! I got nervous,” you responded setting the acoustic guitar down next to your body before using your hands to rub your face.

“It’s just me here. You don’t have to be so nervous.”

“I know, I know. I’ve got to get over this fear.”

Semi picked up his electric guitar and put the strap over himself so he could play properly. “I mean, I get it. It’s not easy playing in front of people, let alone perform. Did you see where I put my pick?”

“How do you do it? You honestly make it look easy. Also, dude, you have like three still stuck on your face.”

“Oh shit,” he responded before feeling his forehead remembering the guitar pick war you guys had. He grabbed one and wiped it on his shirt to take off your saliva for a better grip.  “Uhh, I don’t know actually. I definitely do get anxious sometimes but I think I get so caught in the moment that in the end I don’t care who is watching. I’m just having fun, ya know?”

“I’m so focused on what others think, I don’t think I could ever perform how you do.”

“Well, you better get over it. You gotta hold up your end of the deal since you wanted me to do the talent show so bad.”

After Shiratorizawa lost to Karasuno, Semi had more time to focus on his band, which had formed the summer of your second year. They try to put on a show every other week at a local café and managed to gain a decent amount of attention but it definitely wasn’t enough for them to break out. You wanted to push them in anyway you could which led you to annoying Semi to sign up for the talent show.

~

“Eita, you should sign up for the talent show!”

“Nah. Too many preps. They’re not gonna be interested,” Semi responded in between bites of his lunch.

“Don’t think like that. Your guy’s music is good okay? I’m not just saying that because I’m your best friend I’m saying it because I legitimately mean it. Eagle Thorns is my favorite band. I know you guys will make it big and this can help!”

“They’ve got a good point, Eita,” their bassist, Ranmaru, said.

“I think it’ll be fun,” the drummer, Subaru, added on.

“We’ll do it,” Jiro, the lead guitarist, responded as he smiled up at you.

“Thank you, boys. I’ll sign you guys up-“

“Nope. Nope, no, no, no,” Semi spoke up, leaning over to take the pen from your hand.

“What do you mean no? Everyone else said yes.”

“I didn’t agree. I’ll agree to it if you do it too. I’ll even write your name on the list for you,” Semi stated with a smirk.

“You’re an asshole.”

“Guess we’re not participating then. Sorry boys-“

“I’ll do it. I want you guys to perform.”

~

“I don’t get why you want me to participate. I’m not the one with a band,” you told him.

“I know, but you want a band of your own. This could help you too. And even if you end up not finding members, it’ll help you get over your stage fright.”

“You have a weird way of showing you care,” you laughed while pushing his shoulder.

“Oh yeah?” Semi responded while pretending to square up.

“Yeah,” you immediately bucked back standing on your toes to help you get closer to his face.

“Ranmaru, the love birds are at it again!” Subaru spoke when he opened the door to Semi’s room.

“Oi! Eita, stop flirting! It’s time for band practice,” Ranmaru scolded.

“How many times do I have to tell you? We’re just friends,” Semi retorted turning his back to you.

You made eye contact with Jiro and he gave you a sorry look. Jiro was the only one that knew of your feelings and you planned to keep it that way. He was a year younger and didn’t speak to many other third years so you felt you could trust him.

“Yeah guys, c’mon. How many times do we have to tell you we’re just friends? It’s getting tiring at this point,” you added on with a fake happy smile on your face.

“Whatever. You get a song ready, y/n?”

“Still working on it. I’ll leave you guys alone and head back to my dorm. Have fun!” And with that you excused yourself and headed off.

-

When you got back to your dorm, you immediately sent a text to Tendou asking him to come over so you could vent to him. While waiting you came up with a plan. You decided you were going to play a song that expressed your feelings and then once you came off stage you were going to walk up to Semi and confess, hoping that the high from being on stage walks off with you.

“He said that?” Tendou asked as he sat on your bed with a large plush in his lap, watching you pace around your dorm.

“Yes! I don’t know what to do! Graduation is just around the corner and I wanna tell him before we go out separate ways after high school. Tendou, I’m so scared what if we don’t talk to each other again after graduation?”

“No, that’s not happening. You guys are best friends. I doubt he’d stop talking to you after we graduate.”

“Ok, but what if I confess and he doesn’t feel the same?”

“Trust me he feels the same.”

“How do you know that? Does he ever talk about me?”

“I can just tell by how he looks at you! And I’ll be honest he doesn’t bring you up but when someone else does he immediately tells them to shut up. Incase you didn’t know, I understand guy code. That means ‘don’t talk about my girl’.”

“Okay, okay. That puts me somewhat at ease.”

“Good. Now all you have to do is play that song without fucking up.”

“Ugh, Tendou! That just made me sick to my stomach!” You exclaimed before jumping on the bed and tackling him.

“It’s the truth! Just picture the audience in their underwear!” Tendou retaliated as he grabbed a pillow to hit you with.

“It’s not that easy!” You said while lightly hitting his chest.

“Why do you care so much as to what people think?”

“I don’t care about what others think I just care about what he thinks!”

“Shit, you have it BAD, bad,” Tendou laughed while putting the pillow behind his head for support. “Y/n, he’d be an idiot to reject you. And I’d remind him daily if he did. You are such a catch, it’d be a shame if he let you go to waste,” he told you earnestly.

“I-, thank you, Tendou. It means a lot-“

“Oh shit, I didn’t know you guys were in the middle of something,” Semi voiced when he let himself into your dorm, a reoccurring scene he’s noticed.

“Eita!” You greeted him, immediately getting off of Tendou to go hug the setter.

“Semi-Semi, I thought your practice was going to last longer,” Tendou said, taking note of the small glare Semi gave him.

“Stop calling me that and we finished early,” the ash blonde responded before turning to you. “What about you? Did you manage to pick a song?”

“I did!” you told him with a smile.

-

After two weeks of practicing it was finally the night of the talent show. You had your guitar in a soft case, that Semi had given you, across your back. Were you nervous? Yes. Of the crowd? Not exactly. What you told Semi and Tendou wasn’t a lie. You didn’t care about what people thought of you, unless they were people you cared about. You cared about how your friends would react. You cared about what Semi’s band members thought. You even cared about what the members of the volleyball team would think, even if you’ve only met them a few times. But most importantly, you cared about what Semi’s opinion of your performance was.

You and Semi have sang along to numerous songs in different settings, even taking turns to do karaoke in the car. All those times you didn’t care about what he thought because you were so comfortable being around him, but now that it matters, that’s when your self doubt kicked in.

“Ready?” Semi asked you from behind, making you jump.

You took a deep breath after the scare before smiling up at him, “Nope, but I’m up soon.”

“Indeed you are. You’ll do great. I know you will.” Semi’s honesty was something you always admired about him. In your three years of friendship, he’s never lied to you. He’s always evaluated the situation and told you his thoughts without a single waver in his voice. Him believing in you, gave you all the confidence in the world.

You guys were standing side to side watching the other acts perform their talents from side stage. As your turn neared closer, he raised an arm over your shoulder, rubbing it to help ease your nerves causing you to lean your head on him.

“Hey, I gotta tell you something later,” you spoke, avoiding looking at him.

“Tell me now,” he responded gently.

“Nah. After we perform.”

“Alright,” he laughed. “Ima go find the guys, we’re up after you. Good luck, don’t fuck up or else you won’t hear the end of it from me.”

“Ha, ha, ha. Okay jackass. Good luck to you too. Tell the boys I wish them luck too.”

As soon as Semi left your side, the announcer spoke up to announce it was now your turn to perform. You took a deep breath before shaking each of your limbs to make sure they were working. Once you concluded that they were, you made your way to the center of the stage.

“Good evening, L/N, the stage is all yours,” the announcer spoke before placing the microphone on a stand and adjusting it to your height while you grabbed the chair left on stage for you to use. You gave him a silent nod before he left the stage.

“Thank you,” you spoke while grabbing the mic to tilt it a little more towards you. “I’m going to be singing a song by a band called ONE OK ROCK. This song is called ‘Wherever You Are’. Please enjoy.”

Wherever you are, I'll always make you smile

Wherever you are, I'm always by your side

Whatever you say, kimi wo omou kimochi

I promise you "forever" right now

You were almost done with the song and decided to look up and scan the crowd. You were quick to notice Tendou and Ushijima sitting in the crowd, Tendou looking more impressed than the latter. When your eyes connected with the judges you remembered situation you were in and closed your eyes to put all your effort into the last three lines. It went quiet in the auditorium after you finished which only made your eyes stay shut until loud clapping and hollering commenced, one voice sticking out from all the rest.

“Wooooo! Go y/n!” You could hear Tendou yell. You looked up to make eye contact with him again. He was grinning from ear to ear while talking to the people beside him, most likely telling them he knew you.

You grabbed the microphone again and gave a small chuckle before speaking, “thank you, everyone.”

The announcer came back into the stage and gave you a hand to help you get up from the chair. While you put the guitar away he put the chair away and spoke into the microphone as you waved the crowd goodbye. “Beautiful wasn’t it? So passionate. Thank you so much for blessing all of our ears with your voice. Now, up next we have another musical performance. This next one is a group and they call themselves Eagle Thorns! Please welcome Eita, Ranmaru, Subaru, and Jiro to the stage!”

Subaru walked up first with his drum sticks in his hand and made his way to his kit. Once he got to his seat, he raised one arm up waved to greet the crowd. Jiro and Ranmaru walked up together with their instruments and waved to the crowd as they went to their spots. Semi followed them from a couple feet behind with his guitar and made his way to center stage. “Hope you guys still have some energy after all the performances you’ve seen tonight. We are Eagle Thorns and if there’s any parents in the room, I hope you brought some ear plugs,” Semi joked.

You were standing off to the side of the stage watching them. It was funny to you because they were really acting how they did for any other gig. You’ve been to almost all of their shows and we’re still amazed every time they took the stage.

“This song is an original. It’s called ‘Late’.”

I can't stop thinking it, thinking it

I can't stop thinking it, thinking it

That it's a little too late, a little too late, a little too late, a little too late

“Here we go!” Semi yelled into the mic. What followed was Ranmaru sing the first part of the hard vocals while Jiro did the second part which made you realize why Semi made his joke directed towards the parents earlier. In true Semi fashion, he found a way to include some spice into the band’s performance.

What kept bothering you was his use of the word ‘mistake’. All it did was make you question who he was talking about. You went down the list of people you thought it could’ve been but as far as you knew, Semi didn’t talk to a lot of people regularly. He preferred to keep his social circle small.

“Thank you so much for giving us a chance to play tonight. Before we leave the stage I’d like to ask someone very special to come up to the stage. They already know who they are,” Semi spoke into the mic.

A couple of performers that had gone up before were whispering amongst themselves.

“Is he doing what I think he’s doing?”

“Super bold move of him if he is.”

“Oh my god! He’s gonna ask someone to be his date for the dance next week!”

After that last comment you could feel a bunch of gazes landing on your form. The small group of students were now encouraging you to go up, but all you could do was grip into the strap that was across your body for comfort.

“Y/n! He’s talking about you!”

“Y/n go up there! What are you waiting for?”

“It’s not me guys,” you spoke. You knew you weren’t that special someone the moment Semi turned to the direction that was the opposite of where you were. “After all, we’re just friends.”

The group around you grew very confused from your response until they looked forward and saw someone else walk on stage towards the lead singer.

“I can’t stop thinking about you. Would you go on a date with me and accompany me next week to the dance?” Semi asked the girl, who you knew nothing about. He was asking out someone you had no idea existed.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” you excused yourself from the people surrounding you and bolted to the closest restroom. When you made it outside the door, you slid off the guitar and placed it on the ground so you could run into a stall. You immediately took out your phone and started texting Tendou asking him to come to your dorm so you could have a shoulder to cry on since the one you normally rely on isn’t an option at the moment. Tendou responded immediately, encouraging you to at least wait until the event is over for the awards ceremony. You were about to text him back but froze when you heard foot steps.

“I think she’s in here,” a soft voice spoke.

“It has to be this one, who else’s guitar would this be?” another voice spoke.

“Hmm,” a third girl spoke. “Hi, we’re looking for L/n Y/n! We-“

“Shhhh! You don’t have to be so loud, Izumi,” the second voice spoke.

“I don’t think it was a good idea to come looking for them now.”

“You’re probably right, but we wouldn’t have another opportunity to talk to them.”

What could they want with you? What could some strangers possibly want to talk to you about? You quietly leaned forward on the plastic door to look through the crack to judge the situation. There were three girls total, and one of them looked mean. As much as you didn’t like judging people based on their looks, the other two girls appeared to be nicer which made you take a chance.

“You’re looking for me?” You asked, stepping out of the stall while wiping your eyes.

The girl with the soft voice immediately took notice of your state and turned to grab a paper towel and wet it before handing it to you. “Here you go,” she said with a small smile.

“Uh, thank you,” you responded awkwardly.

“Sorry we’re meeting like this but we wanted to ask you a question. Would you be interested in being in our band? We’d love to have you,” the girl you were on edge about asked.

“You want me in your band? I only know how to play acoustic guitar, I’m an amateur at best,” you responded honestly while dabbing your face with the wet paper towel.

“Okay but you sing amazingly! We need a lead singer and your voice matches our vibe! At least think about it. Please. Let’s change information,” the louder one spoke as she handed you her phone.

You gave a genuine smile to the girls before accepting the device and started entering your information as you took yours out so she could do the same.

“Award ceremony is starting! All performers please make your way to the stage!” Someone yelled from the hallways.

You were about to speak but the leader of the girls spoke up for you. “Guess that means you, girly. Good luck!” She handed you your guitar back and ushered you out of the bathroom so you’d be able to make it where you needed to be on time.

-

When you made it back to the stage, Semi quickly made his way towards you, leaving his band behind, with a smile on his face. “Hey! Where’d you go?” He asked, completely unaware that you ran off to go cry.

“Not important,” you told him dryly.

Giving you a confused look he decided to continue the conversation. “Alright... well what was it you were gonna tell me?”

Now you were having an internal battle within yourself. Do you actually confess to him after he technically just confessed to someone else? Do you tell him something else? Or, do you just not tell him anything?

Knowing the last option would just cause him to bug you until you told him something you decided to go with the second option.

“I was gonna say that there’s a big name in the crowd tonight. Someone from a record label is here to scout out a new artist but I don’t know who.”

“Oh shit. No way! Hope they liked us.”

“Yeah.”

At this point you didn’t know what to do. You were upset that he’s never spoken about this person to you before. You thought you were closer than this. Don’t best friends tell each other about their crushes? Don’t best friends tell each other about things like this? Did you see Semi more as a best friend than he did for you? Were you putting in more effort into the relationship than he was this entire time? Were you so stuck in your fantasy that every small task he did for you mean nothing to him? Was he just being nice to you?

“Semi, who is she?” you asked trying not to cry for the second time in the past hour.

“Semi?” He asked taking notice of how you used his last name instead of his first name. “She’s someone I’ve been seeing on the low for about a month now.”

A month. He’s kept her away from you for a month.

“Why haven’t you ever introduced me to her?”

“I didn’t think it was important.”

“Why would you think that?” You asked with in a louder tone.

He looked at you even more confused as to why you were acting the way you were. “Sorry, I didn’t know I needed my friend’s approval to date someone?” Semi responded with the same tone you did, but with a little more bite.

His answer left you feeling as if you’ve been stabbed in the front. Out of all the ways he could’ve said, he chose to respond like that? Not wanting to draw attention you guys you decided to end the conversation before it got out of hand. “Don’t talk to me Semi,” you told him before turning to walk away from him.

He tried to reach out to grab your arm and ask you what the hell your problem was but the announcer spoke up.

“Alright, now that everyone is here and the judges have counted their votes, it’s time to announce the winners! In third place we have the dance duo! Congrats you guys!”

You were walking behind the line of performers so that the crowd would hopefully not see you walk off the stage as the announcer spoke.

“And in second place we have Eagle Thorns!” You froze at the loud cheers that erupted and the arm that you recognized belonged to Jiro as the hugged you from excitement right when you walked by.

“And in first place, drum roll please... we have L/n Y/n! Congratulations!” Now you can’t help yourself. Being too overwhelmed with emotions is never a good thing because now here you are, letting tears fall in front of a whole room of people. Jiro immediately picked you up and spun you around before putting you down and encouraging you to walk to center stage to accept the fake trophy that you weren’t expecting. You wiped your tears for a second time that night and gave a slight wave to the crowd before speaking into the microphone that the announcer was holding for you.

“Judges, thank you so much. I honestly didn’t think I’d win this but from the bottom of my heart thank you so, so, much!”

While you were giving your thank you speech, all Semi could do is question why you were so upset. As far as he knew, you had a thing for Tendou and Tendou had a thing for you, so why were you so invested in his relationship?

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #135

Warnings: Temporary Major Character Death, Alcoholism, Depression

AN: @sunshineandchemistry wanted hurt inspired by Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then) by The Decemberists. 

This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. 

They have a plan. 

They’re supposed to stop healing together. They’re supposed to retire from the action and live out the rest of their days in Malta. They’re supposed to have decades to prepare for the inevitable day. They’re supposed to go together. 

Not-not like this. 

Joe stares down at his own body. A puddle of blood has formed around it, bright red and barely deep enough to splash if someone were to step in it. His light blue shirt, now a deep maroon, is sticking to his chest and his fingers itch to pull the fabric away before it can dry. His eyes, open and glazed, he wanted to see the stars before this death, pierce through him in a way his reflection never has.  

This feels like a joke. 

He’s bled ten times more than this and was back in the fight a minute later. When his leg got blown off, he was walking not an hour later. So why the hell is the hole in his chest, barely an inch wide and four inches deep, not closing? This is nothing but a scratch in the long list of injuries his body has sustained. 

When he first woke up, he had laughed. He just got killed by a purse-snatcher. A purse-snatcher. They weren’t even smart enough to burglar a house; how the guy got the jump on him was a goddamn mystery, not to mention insulting and mortifying. Booker was never going to let him live this down. 

It was only after he sat up and patted his chest, still chuckling to himself at the sheer absurdity of the situation, that he realized something was wrong. That he was wrong. 

His hands, normally a warm brown, like wheat just before the summer harvest, were gray and pale, every inch of life snuffed out of them. Joe had stared at them, flipping them over and over, flexing and shaking his fingers to stimulate fresh blood flow, but no matter how much he moved them, how many times he blinked, they remained the same. Cool brown and utterly wrong. 

That wasn’t even the worst part. 

No, the worst part, the worst fucking part, was when he stood up, ready to shake off this awful day in the comfort of Nicky’s arms, dinner be damned, they’ll just eat another sandwich, and his body remained on the floor, still and bleeding and-and separate. 

He freaked out. 

He immediately laid back in his body, lining his arms and legs with the body on the floor first, before sitting up. When that didn’t work, he tried picking his body up to drag back home, only his hands had passed through his own arms and chest, like he was nothing more than a cheap light show. 

It was then that it sunk in, with his hands buried in his sternum and his own lifeless eyes staring back at him.

He was dead. 

He was dead and he wasn’t coming back. 

—

Nicky hasn’t eaten in days, not since he shared the small sandwich with Joe. 

“Just a snack!” Joe pleaded, batting his eyelashes with a wide grin. He looked ridiculous, like one of those Bratz dolls that once lined every shelf in the toy section at the supermarket. Nicky was more annoyed than charmed as Joe continued to beg; he was blocking the TV and his voice was getting progressively pitchier the longer Nicky continued to ignore him in favor of watching National Treasure. 

Nicky gave in, of course he gave in, if only to get Joe to shut up now that he was reaching dog whistle levels. He went to the kitchen, Joe right on his heels and made the fastest sandwich in history, a ham and cheese sandwich on one slice of bread. After folding it in half, he stuffed as much of the sandwich into his mouth and handed over the rest to Joe. It wasn’t much, barely bigger than the bite-sized sandwiches that are usually out on the buffet tables, but it was better than nothing. He almost choked when he saw the wounded expression on his husband’s face. Joe took the half-sandwich with a pout and spent the next fifteen minutes nibbling on it, savoring each bite like it was the best thing he’s ever eaten. It was cute and charming and Nicky kissed him when he finished, swatting his ass as they broke apart because dinner wasn’t going to get itself.

He should have made a regular sandwich. 

He should have just cooked with what they had in the pantry. 

He should have gone with Joe. 

His stomach twists and Nicky cries. 

—

Nicky’s not living. He eats, he sleeps and sometimes he even goes out for a walk, but he’s not living, he’s functioning and that’s enough for Andy and Booker. 

They don’t talk much to him; then again, no one talks much these days. It became glaringly obvious early on who initiated the conversations, who had the loudest voice, who kept the discussion flowing from one point to the next. 

He doesn’t blame them; they were engulfed in their own grief too, both fresh and scarred. 

They’ve become the liquor store’s best customers; between the three of them, they easily put away six bottles of hard liquor every night. It’s the only time they’re together, late at night into the early morning, drinking with a desperate fervency to get lost in their own memories of better times. 

“The widow club,” Booker joked one night, mouth curled into a snarl. 

“I never wanted to be part of this fucking club,” Nicky spat, taking an aggressive sip from his bottle. It was whiskey that night; it tasted like shit, it always tasted like shit, and Nicky didn’t care. It made him warm and muddled his thoughts and while he was drunk, he could forget, could ignore how empty everything was. 

There was a moment of silence and then Andy laughed, sharp and vicious as she raised her bottle to clink with his, “Cheers to fucking that!” 

During the day, Nicky sleeps. A lot. 

Nicky sleeps, because if he sleeps, he can dream. In his dreams, Joe is still with him, leading him through the world with both hands and promising to never leave his side. In his dreams, Joe is bright and warm, kissing him like he never left, loving him like they had all the time in the world. In his dreams, he can savor the weight of Joe’s loving gaze, anchoring him in this sea of madness. 

Most days, he wakes up around three in the afternoon. He stares at the ceiling until his stomach grumbles, and only when the pain becomes unbearable does he get up to get something to eat.

Sometimes, the stupid wind chimes will wake him up before three and those days are always the worst. Joe had loved those wind chimes; he would run his fingers through them every morning just to hear them sing, laughing as the house filled with its tinkling sound. 

Nicky hates those fucking wind chimes. 

He hates how every time he hears them, he thinks that it’s Joe, gently pushing one tube into another, creating a new song only for their ears. He hates how he turns his head with a sleepy smile towards the chimes, a teasing remark on the tip of his tongue, only to be splashed with the bitter reality that he’s alone, has been alone for awhile now. 

Nicky hates those wind chimes and he wishes he could melt it down into something useful, something quiet, but it was Joe’s and Nicky can’t. He can’t destroy something that Joe loved so dearly. 

But God does Nicky loathe them. They weren’t even under a vent and they still made noise. 

Other times, the birds will wake him up. They never had this many birds before Joe, but after, Nicky sometimes wakes up to five birds on his windowsill, chirping and chirping and chirping. They’re loud and they arch up into nothing and Nicky hates them almost as much as the wind chimes because Joe would have loved them. Joe would’ve sat in front of the windowsill for hours, sketching and observing the birds, swallows, or were they sparrows, tossing them little seeds to keep them there longer. Hell, Joe would have set up a bird feeder to accommodate their many visitors. To Nicky, those birds are just another reminder that Joe’s gone and he wishes that they would just leave this house of grief alone. 

So Nicky sleeps and he drinks, because if he does, he doesn’t have to live in a world that’s constantly screaming Joe’s name. 

He’s not living. 

It’s not really functioning either. 

—

It works. 

It works. 

Joe gasps back to life and he’s in the quiet comfort of Nicky’s arms, just like he wanted that stupid day and everyday since. The weight of his arms, solid and warm across Joe’s chest, it’s enough to make him burst into tears.  

“I missed you,” Nicky sobs, pulling him into a tight hug and Joe can’t wrap his arms around Nicky fast enough. He clings to his husband, taking in the twin scents of Irish Spring and cheap cologne, a combination he never thought he would miss; it smells like home. 

“I was always there,” Joe whispers, “The birds, the chimes, the damn towel on the floor. I never left.” I never left you. 

They’re both shaking apart in each other’s arms, but for the first time in months, it’s ok. It’s ok. 

Nicky laughs, it’s choked and brittle, but it’s the first time he’s laughed since that day, and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world to Joe’s ears right now. “I hated all those things.” 

“I know,” Joe confesses, pulling back just enough to look at Nicky. He wipes away the snot and tears with the back of his hand. Nicky stares at him through red-rimmed eyes, a new kind of desperation shining in them that Joe knows are reflecting from his own. “But it got you out of bed, out of the house, and so I never stopped.” 

They have a plan.

They’re going to stop healing together. They’re going to retire from the action and they’re going to live the rest of their days in Malta.  

They’re not straying away from it this time.   

[yan-twst]

Hi! Would you be alright with writing a HC with dorm leaders, when MC vents to them, sharing their fear for the future? Things like "I am able to return home? And if I regret returning?" or "If I don't get back, how will I survive here? What will I be after I graduate?", etc. Thank you and sorry for my English TwT

riddle rosehearts

riddle will hear his darling out, let them talk as much as they need

he can see why they’re so worried- crowley seems to make no progress on sending them back home, yet promises that it’ll happen, they’re considered half a student and no word on how their graduation would work has been spoken...

he feels a bit helpless- he desperately wishes he had the answers to his darling’s questions to help them calm down, but he doesn’t. there’s no clear cut answer for those questions and he knows it

all he can do is comfort them and promise them that he’ll guide them trough all he can- if they return home, he’s sure they’ll build an amazing life for themselves. if they stay, he’ll help them stand on their own two feet- he can’t promise that it’ll all be easy, but he can promise he’ll do his best to help

riddle’s entire childhood was spent in a rigid schedule, a direct paved way to a future that had already been planned out for him. while it was suffocating, it at least gave him an idea of what as to come; on the contrary, his darling’s future is nebulous, clouded and ever-changing... he can’t imagine how stressful it is for them

he’ll suggest attaching to a routine- sure, it won’t really fix anything in the big scheme, but... it’s the best advice he has; a routine can be grounding, something to at least let his darling feel like there’s a sense of familiarity in the passing days. it’s something he does himself: he hopes he can at least help his darling a little

leona kingscholar

leona worries over his darling, although he tries to not appear overly preoccupied while his darling talks. he doesn’t want them to feel like they are making him worry too much, or for them to stop talking. it’s good that they’re talking instead of bottling it up- he doesn’t want to make them stop

leona has long since given up on the only future he’d imagined- being the king- and he’s just living lazily, seeing where the flow takes him. he realizes he probably isn’t the best person to give advice, but... damnit, he’s not just gonna let his darling go back to living with all those anxieties inside of them

the future... well, it’s scary for everyone, but more for them, huh? he reminds them that, even if their memories from back home haven’t returned to them, that their life is their own; no matter what world they may return, they’ve already proved themselves to be an outstanding individual. and if they stay? if crowley can’t figure out how to let them return? then he’ll guide them through this world

he may feel useless as a second prince, but... well, he’s a prince- he can help them live a comfortable life, he can help them further their education at a school much more useful for a non-magic person... he makes it quite clear that as long as he has a say in it, their future isn’t something they must stress over

leona lives life as it goes by, rarely worrying over things to come; he knows that asking his darling to do that would be rather insensitive, considering their situation, but... hey, it’ll be ok- there, just nap with him... what comes tomorrow comes tomorrow; he’ll be there to do all he can, so there’s no point in overthinking it

azul ashengrotto

hearing his darling’s anxieties, their fears for the future... azul may not appear to be a very empathetic person, but it brings a tear to his eye; his darling, who’s been so strong for so long, who’s helped others... all while holding those worries...

just like he’s let down his walls and pretenses around them, he’ll encourage them to just let it all out; all their worries, their fears, voice them. he doesn’t think it’s “overreacting” or “exaggerating”- he knows how powerful and consuming dread can be

they’re scared and anxious, and he can see why- now, he wants to know how he can help. fearing regret from going home, fearing being here forever... he’ll do his best to express how strongly he believes his darling can thrive either way

the future is what they make of it, isn’t it? look at him- he was an useless crybaby octopus, and he’s come so far, hasn’t he? no matter what the future brings for his darling, he knows they can come out of it shining

of course, if for some reason they were to remain here in twisted wonderland, they have nothing to fear. he knows crowley will sort something out- he better- and it’s not like everyone has magic, there’s plenty of jobs and opportunities for people like them! they can count on azul’s charm and wit to open any door to any opportunity they may need; he swears he’ll do all he can to assure them a good life

kalim al-asim

kalim has rarely, if ever, worried over his future- it’s not as if he has his path set in stone, but... well, he lacks no resources to ruin his dreams, and he has a pretty good job set ahead as the heir of his family’s trading business. so hearing his darling vent their worries... he’s at a loss, at first

just because he’s a cheery and highly optimistic person doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to listen or be understanding of problems he might not relate to. kalim is known to listen to students’ problems and comfort them- of course he’ll do the same for his beloved!

it’s a very complex situation, and he knows as much; is a return to their home even possible? do they want to return home having no memories of how it is, or would they rather throw that all away and remain here? he won’t bluff and act as if he knows what the correct answer is, but he’ll be sincere: whatever they end up choosing, they’ll probably have regrets... as well as a lot of joy!

also... well, he doesn’t know when his darling will even have to make that choice (crowley sure seems to take his sweet time even researching where they came from)- but... they don’t have to worry about that part of the future, either. kalim has no problem providing for whatever they need- a house? somewhere to further their education? 

it’s not like he’s telling them to depend on him, although he has no problem with that: he just wants them to know he’s more than happy to help them stand on their own two feet so they can build a life for themselves!

vil schoenheit

when his darling begins to spill their worries, vil doesn’t even hesitate to break out the scented candles, massage creams, and expensive spa-day supplies. if his darling is going to lay their heart bare, he at least wants them to feel relaxed and safe

vil won’t pretend like the situation isn’t difficult, or sugarcoat anything. his darling is... probably the first person in all of twisted wonderland to be faced with such a difficult future, and that’s coming from a land where prophecies and magic exists

everything vil believes in is achieved through hard work; and he believes this is no different. while being able to return or not isn’t a card they can chose to play or not, if the time comes to chose, both options will require work. he’s 100% sure they can thrive in both their world and here- if they put in the work he knows they can

vil will emphasize how much potential his darling holds. can the future be uncertain and messy? oh, certainly. but no matter what life throws at them, they can stand strong and move forward. he knows they can

he’ll also make it quite clear that graduation won’t be the end of the world, even if crowley is gonna have to work overtime to figure out how to give an NRC graduation certificate to someone who can’t use magic. after all, not all fields of work NRC prepares them for are related to magic- for example, nothing stops them from being outstanding at alchemy or history, correct? there’s many jobs that might not even care about magic skills if their other skills are high

and... of course he’ll be there with them for as long as he can. while he can’t promise his help if they were to return to their world, he’ll be with them as much as possible- he himself has a pretty good future set ahead, and he knows he can easily incorporate his beloved into it

idia shroud

idia suffers from many anxieties himself- he knows how he’d like to be treated when he vents his worries, and so he treats his darling that way. a gentle listener, making sure they know he’s paying attention, but not interrupting

he’ll put his darling in an oversized hoodie and give them a warm drink to help calm their nerves- does it help? he just wants them to not feel overwhelmed, after dumping all their anxieties like that...

honestly, idia can’t even imagine what he’d do if he was in his darling’s place. they’re quite strong, to be dealing with all that stuff and still be so nice to others around them, huh?

he feels a bit bad; he... doesn’t have any sort of deep philosophical advice to help guide them down the right path, or any personal story to help calm them down- hell, he can’t even say they won’t regret anything because he knows he’d be lying, but...

... well, he knows his darling is capable of many things. wherever they go, wherever the fates bring them... if they continue being as they are, he knows they’ll be ok- they’ll be able to build a life to themselves. he has no doubt of this

he doesn’t want to make his darling feel like he’s telling them to be with him forever- you know, just in case they... end up returning to their home, but... he’s gonna inherit a pretty giant house back at home- so... if they were to stay... well, he thinks it’d be nice to live there with them; help them set up their life, find a job...

malleus draconia

malleus has seen empires be born and then die, kings rise to power and fall down- to him, the future isn’t a scary concept as much as it is just another reality of life. he feels like a constant in a moving world- a world that’s moving rapidly for his darling

their future... to malleus, it feels like it could happen at any moment: for his darling, a year is a long time, while for him, he’s lived through so many of them he’s almost lost count...

he fears he might not be the best person for this; ancient beings are supposed to be wise, but in this moment, he feels about as wise as a small child as he hugs his darling close and strokes their hair, comforting them as he can

to stay here, to go home... the question of if it’s even possible to return hanging in the air, the fear of regret and making the wrong choice... oh, child of man- there’s no wrong choice, he believes. the fact they ended up here is a mystery in itself: to do what their heart tells them in this scenario won’t betray them

don’t they know? they have the powerful malleus draconia by their side; anything he can do for them, he will. his power is no joke, either; whether it’s magical to aid in a return home, or just the fact he’s royalty and he can assure a good life for them... he’ll do anything for them and their happiness

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

[lotusthekat]

I’ve felt this way before (so insecure)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Steven & Lars (please do not ship them)

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga

Summary: There’s something wrong with him.

Word count: 2.200

AO3

A/N: basically me venting through Steven and also to show off my very personal headcanon that he might have BPD.

Please be aware of the trigger warnings below. Take care of yourself. <3

TRIGGER WARNINGS - non-graphic depictions of self-harm and blood, trauma, panic attack, anxiety and depression.

--

It was weird when Steven received Lars’ text, suggesting their usual baking session could take place at the former’s house instead. As if Steven hadn’t just trapped Lars and all their friends in an enclosing pink dome.

Well, Lars still hasn’t decided whether he’d go to space or not, but considering everyone else was definitely leaving, then Steven didn’t take it very well. But he wasn’t anywhere mature about it, either. It embarrasses him every night when he can’t sleep.

Even then, Steven couldn’t reject the invitation. If anything, he’s quite relieved that Lars wants to hang out with him despite the scene. But deep inside…

There’s something wrong with him.

Maybe since his new powers developed, as they’ve only gotten stronger and more dangerous with each day. They synchronize with his emotions. And that’s exactly the problem.

Steven’s emotions have been staggering.

He doesn’t want to be abandoned, but he doesn’t want to hold anyone back.

He’s angry at everyone, at himself and no one. He’s so angry, he’s prone to lashing out and cracking walls and windows far too often.

He’s ashamed of his shameful clinging to everyone around him, and as a result, he’s isolated himself. Then Steven becomes sad and tired, too, which is why he dropped Little Homeschool in the first place.

But in the next moment, he’ll be smiling like nothing happened. Because maybe he should be getting his life together. Maybe he should smile and let it go.

In reality, his mind is dangerous. Domes and walls will imprison him, while he tries to protect himself from something inevitable.

(Loneliness? Death? War? Everything? Nothing?)

It’s confusing and terrifying and Steven has no idea how to get through this. However, the half-gem can’t let anyone know, because what if they actually leave him when they realize how unstable he is? What if Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst leave the house forever? What if Connie never comes back to Beach City? What if Dad also moves out? What if Lars really goes to space?

It’s especially harder to hide now, with Lars right next to him, laughing at the stories Steven is telling him. Lars is having such a good time, and Steven is trying, because his friend will leave if the dome disaster happens again.

Steven has shoved his pink fists inside his pockets, only helping when Lars needs. It’s been tough keeping it all in. Keeping the hurt, enraged pink to himself. It aches for something, something he’s not at all sure.

The younger boy doesn’t want to ruin their time. He doesn’t want to push Lars away. He might go to space and never come back. Maybe he won’t even want Steven to visit him.

Be quiet.

Think of love.

Flexibility, love and trust.

It’s okay.

It’s okay.

It’s not.

Shut up.

It’s not!

“… uh, Steven?”

The sixteen-year-old boys looks at his friend as if he were away to space again.

“Oh, hi,” Steven laughs nervously.

“You, um. You wanna take a break? You look a little—”

“T-That’d be great!” Steven blurts out. “I gotta go to the bathroom real quick, don’t disappear while I’m gone!” He laughs forcibly as he runs to the small door and locks himself inside before Lars notices.

He lets out the shakiest breath.

Why is this happening?

Why can’t he be okay?

He…

He needs to do something.

Steven inhales deeply, very deeply, trying to swallow the threatening tears. Not now. Not now.

It’s useless.

He’s useless.

…

He needs to do it.

Steven hates it,

but there’s nothing else he can do.

The boy takes a look at himself before opening the mirror cabinet. He’s crying despite telling himself no, and he’s glowing pink like never before.

This is the only way, then.

Beside the Diamond Aura bottles lie the small, subtle razor blades, now shining bright with his pink reflection.

Steven already shudders just by touching the blades, sharp in his fingers.

His hands are trembling badly, for that matter.

He hates, hates doing this.

But if the pink won’t comply, then he has no choice.

It’ll be quick, though.

He’ll be fine.

…

The moment the blades are close, his thoughts scream.

They cry like lost souls haunting him, the same ones that have stalked him for all these years.

Steven is angry.

Get out!

GET OUT!

…

Then there are crimson flames in his pink arms, burning like lava and poison.

It makes him sick.

He’s gonna puke.

The blades fall off his hands.

Steven will never be used to this.

Even if they’ll be gone with one healing tear…

The red hurts.

Steven’s arms wrap around himself, maybe as a way of comfort. Maybe so he doesn’t throw up and panic.

His own pathetic hug is all he has, soothing the painful but quiet sobs.

However, the world outside comes right back, knocking at his door.

“Steven?”

Gasping, the boy takes the stained razor blades off the floor and put them back in the cabinet.

“Just a second!” He exclaims.

“I- I heard you crying, is everything-?”

“Yep, everything’s fine!”

Lars soon sounds frustrated, “Dude, you’ve been weird all day, why won’t you talk to me?”

Oh no, no, no

“Wait, please!” Steven begs, please don’t be mad, don’t leave me, please—

He quickly kisses both of his arms, the crimson stains gone, and he cleans the remainders from his mouth.

Steven doesn’t waste time to open the door and force a smile onto his face.

“I’m right here!” He yells. “I’m completely fine!”

Lars opens his mouth, only for his eyes to go horribly wide.

“… Lars?”

“St- Steven, there’s blood all over your jacket!”

Indeed, his pink jacket is stained where he’d been hugging.

Something cracks.

(His mask? His lies?)

“It- I-It was an accident! I w-was… I…”

What sort of accident?

What could explain it?

“I…” tears form in the corner of his growing eyes, his skin glowing pink again. “I…”

Lars’ eyes pale. “Steven…”

Despite the seriousness of the situation, the younger boy laughs.

“You must think I’m crazy, right?” Steven asks, his smile fading to nothing. “Maybe I am. Nothing is making sense anymore,” he sniffs and looks away, avoiding the horrified stare. “You should probably leave, Lars. I-I don’t want to hold you back again. I’m sorry.”

The lonely silence meets him. It’s all so quiet, Lars might not even be there anymore. It’s probably for the best.

Regardless, steps come forward and Steven shivers.

Soft yet calloused hands carefully reach his arms, pulling up his sleeves.

“… are your arms okay?” The question is quiet. Too quiet. But not angry.

Steven gulps either way, nodding, “I-I healed them. It’s okay.”

“… okay.”

Thumbs rub where the crimson once was. They soon go for his shaking hands, squeezing both with care.

Lars doesn’t look angry at all.

At least not to the eye.

Steven doesn’t know if that’s a good thing, unsure what his friend is feeling.

Lars takes a deep breath – and Steven shivers again, expecting to get yelled at – only for him to give him a simple command.

“Turn around, will you?”

“Um- okay?” He does as he’s told and wonders what this is about, when…

Lars removes the jacket for him, leaving Steven with his black t-shirt exposed.

“We should probably wash this, right?” Lars suggests, not a hint of annoyance noted. “Where’s your washing machine again?”

“O-Oh, it’s…” Steven gulps, “it’s outside. We’d have to take the warp pad there.”

“Alright.”

Lars walks to the crystal platform inside the house, expecting Steven to come with. In spite of all his confusion, the half-gem takes them to the giant hand statue that holds the machine and the clothes that are yet to be dried.

Steven hasn’t been here with someone else in a long time, to be fair. He’s had good times here. But bad ones too.

Lars does all the work, even if Steven insists he shouldn’t. The older boy doesn’t complain.

The stained pink jacket is then inside the repetitive, circled movement inside, the crimson clues to be gone in minutes. Lars doesn’t actually question how the washing machine works, which is quite unlike his nature.

Steven is scared of questioning it, afraid Lars might actually be mad at him. Maybe he’s planning to leave soon. He must be doing all of this out of obligation, even though he shouldn’t.

Lars is waiting in front of the machine, arms crossed. They don’t share any words.

Steven has… so much to say, and yet…

He’s so humiliated.

He sits at the corner of the giant hand, holding his own hands.

“Lars…” Steven dares let out, “are you mad at me?”

The seconds that follow terrify him.

“No,” Lars replies simply, approaching him, “of course not.”

“Why won’t you say anything, then?” Steven insists, loud. “W-Why are you still here?” He burns pink, “I thought you wouldn’t want to see me again after everything I’ve done!”

He dries his own tears, ultimately hiding his face because it’s useless.

Lars is sitting next to him, but not too close.

“Do you want me to leave?” The older teen wonders.

Steven overthinks.

“… no.”

“I thought so.”

Steven vaguely looks at his friend. “D-Do you want to, though?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re my friend, Steven. And something has been wrong for a long time now,”—Lars looks back, sympathetic —“hasn’t it?”

The sixteen-year-old gazes at him, unable to give a verbal response.

Lars gets it.

“Have you…” he hesitates, “have you hurt yourself before?”

Steven clutches his arms.

“Yeah.”

“Does it make you feel better?”

Steven ponders in the setting, giant sun watching them from the horizon.

“I don’t know,” he mutters.

Lars quietly expects him to continue.

“I hate doing it, actually,” Steven admits, “I always feel sick every time I do it. But for some reason, I… I want to do it again, again, and again, because… it’s all I can do.”

He stares at his arm, as if it’s red still.

“I know it’s wrong, but… it’s all I have right now. It’s the only way I have of letting everything out, without hurting anyone else. I can’t let people know how much of a mess I am, or else—” he sniffs, “they’re going to leave me. They’re going to realize I’m a fraud. T-That I’m- I’m not as good as everyone thinks I am.”

Steven squeezes his arm, quite too tight.

Lars puts his hand onto his, silently asking him to stop.

He does.

“So, no one else knows about this?” Lars asks.

Steven shakes his head.

“I didn’t want you to find out.”

Lars doesn’t take his hand away. In fact, he’s rubbing Steven’s arm again. The latter doesn’t want to say it, but it’s quite comforting.

“I’m glad I do, though,” the space pirate says. “I mean, of course I’m upset you’re hurt… but I could never leave you for feeling that way, buddy.”

Steven looks up in hope. “Really?”

“Really. Steven”— Lars sighs —“you know how much you mean to me, right?”

The younger boy wants to say yes, but…

“Well, maybe I don’t show it that much,” Lars speaks, taking his silence for an answer. “Maybe I should’ve realized why you were so upset at the Graduation, and I’m sorry I didn’t. But Steven… you’ve changed my life so much that I could never thank you enough. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. And even then, you didn’t need to prove me anything. I always knew you were amazing, as much of a prick I was back then.”

Steven is…

He’d never imagine Lars felt this way.

“What I mean is…” the taller boy’s eyes are also shining with water. “I love you, Steven. I do.” Lars is smiling with the most fondness Steven has ever seen. “And I love every part of you, even the ones you want to hide.” This time, he’s pulling Steven close with an arm wrapped around the latter’s shoulders. “I know it’ll take a while for you to remember this, but that’s okay. I’ll be here to remind you every time you need.”

“Lars…”

Steven has absolutely no idea what he could say.

I love you, too.

I’m sorry.

For what?

I don’t know.

Lars doesn’t expect him to speak, though.

He’s then squeezing Steven in a half hug.

“Can you promise me something?” Lars wonders. “Will you tell me when you want to hurt yourself again?”

Steven hesitates.

“I… I-I’ll try.”

“Please do. You don’t deserve to hurt, pal.”

Steven tries to hold in, but he buries himself in the other’s chest, like a child haunted by a nightmare. Lars retributes the hug and even rocks him a little side to side.

“I-I’m… I’m glad you’re here, Lars,” Steven sobs.

“Yeah, me too.” Lars puts a hand on the back of his head, softening his messy curls.

The now clean jacket is set to wait out in the night. The boys end up ordering pizza, pushing the baking session for another day. They resort to the champignon pizza Steven has gotten fond of as of late.

At least tonight, he sleeps at ease.