#like these are all different pairings of the triangle points lol

[byjillianmaria]

I need y'all to know that while I'm not working on anything super formally right now because I'm settling into a new position in my day job, I am plucking away at something that has the potential to be the most melodramatic thing I've ever written, and I'm having a great time

[asahicore]

real me, real you - psh

pairing. sunghoon x fem!reader (ft. jay... sorry)

synopsis. You’re your school’s popular pretty smart girl, but with a twist - you lead a completely different life at home, where you are messy, lazy and foul-mouthed. Only your family and best friend Sumin know about this, until Park Sunghoon, of all people, finds out. The resident cold and arrogant heartbreaker of your school decides to blackmail you into doing his biddings - but you can’t say no, not even when he asks you to be his fake girlfriend, otherwise he’ll ruin your reputation. But as you and Sunghoon get closer, you realize that maybe he’s not so bad after all, and you may be more similar than you'd originally though - all while your old childhood friend Jay watches from the sidelines.

genre. fake dating, high school au, very slight love triangle action, fluff and angst

warnings. this is the first thing i ever wrote so there may be slightly cringe and awkward things but i didn't wanna change anything lol, hoon is a meanie at some point and everything is dramatic and very fanfic-y, mild childhood trauma for both of them <3

word count. 22.9k

author's note. @end-hyphen genie this one is for you... i hope you still like this fic after all this time lol ! as i said in the warnings i only changed a few typos and punctuation from the original but i decided to not make any major changes bc i think it's nice to see what my writing was like when i had just started out!! hopefully i've improved lol, also this was not inspired by true beauty!! i've never seen the show nor read the webtoon. i was inspired by two mangas called switch girl and kare kano (or his and her circumstances) which have this plot of a girl being two different people at school and at home. anyways hope u guys enjoy this and if u do pls lmk <333

Nobody was supposed to find out.

You were the most popular girl in school, known for your looks, good grades, and kind personality. You had a nice group of friends and the whole school at your feet, students and staff alike. As the student representative, you had an image to keep up and needed everyone to think you were perfect; and they did. So you always wore a smile on your face, kept your head up and made sure your uniform was creaseless, all while maintaining the highest scores in your year. Always being friendly to your peers and helping them out prevented anyone from thinking you were a stuck-up goody-two-shoes. You made high school look like a breeze.

But such a life didn’t exist. Who was happy waking up at 6 a.m. every day and dedicating all of their time to schoolwork and student life? You certainly weren’t. What you thrived off of was having everyone think you were. Hearing whispers in the corridor of, “She’s so pulled together!” or “I wish I had her life”, now, those skyrocketed you to heaven. The cherry on top was a nod of approval from a teacher or an “outstanding job again, Y/N” as they handed you back your graded paper. Your favorite color had become the red of the pens your teachers used to write A+ at the top of the page. 

You’d always been academically gifted, but as you heard those words more and more, you’d started craving them and doing everything to hear them again until they started controlling you instead of the other way around. Everything you did needed to be perfect. And that was how you had created this persona of the perfect girl who had it all together at the ripe age of 17. But that’s exactly what it was; a persona. 

As soon as you stepped off the bus and waved goodbye to your friends, you became another person. Or more accurately, you reverted back to your natural self. You weren’t an evil person by any means; it wasn’t your intention to actively deceive everyone at school, it was more of a side effect of keeping up appearances. Only your family and your closest friend Sumin knew what you were truly like: greedy, messy, short-tempered, self-centered, and sometimes downright insufferable. Your younger siblings, Sunoo and Yeeun, liked to joke that you had a button you switched on and off whenever you left the house. When on, you were the sweetest girl ever, but when off, all your vices crept up and let themselves known to the world, or rather to your family. You didn’t mean to make them suffer, but after a long day of being perfect, you needed to blow off some steam; if they had to be your metaphorical punching bag, so be it. 

When Sunoo entered high school, you made him swear he wouldn’t say a thing to anyone. You trusted him and knew he wouldn’t let your secret out - it was too entertaining for him to see you act perfect at school and reveal your true self at home. There was no risk of anyone finding out - you were so intent on keeping the act up that nothing ever slipped you. It had been that way since middle school, and your senior year of high school was going to be no different.

Nobody was supposed to find out, so what was Park Sunghoon doing right in front of you in the frozen aisle of the corner convenience store, just when you happened to be bare-faced, with thick glasses on and a pimple bright red from just having been popped, in your comfiest pajamas, and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s in hand?

“Kim Y/N? Y/N, is that you?”

You froze in place, not knowing how to react. There was no way this, your worst nightmare, was actually happening.

When you regained your senses, flight seemed the best way out of this. You avoided Sunghoon’s curious gaze and curtly replied, “No, sorry, I don’t know who that is,” before walking away, iron grip on the ice cream.

But the boy was quicker than you and grabbed you by the wrist, forcing you to turn around. “It is you! Come on, Y/N, aren’t we friends? Do you not recognize me or something?”

If it wasn’t for the panic coursing through your veins at that moment, you might’ve laughed at his question. How could you not recognize the Park Sunghoon? Along with Park Jongseong and Sim Jaeyun, or Jay and Jake as they liked to be called, he was only the most popular guy in your year - hell, in the whole school. The three of them had gained attention from freshman year as the three handsome soccer players. Jake and Sunghoon had been attached at the hip since kindergarten, Jay joining them sometime in middle school when he came back from his year abroad in Seattle. 

Your parents and Jay’s had been college best friends and you two had therefore grown up together, and even used to be quite close. You’d grown apart when he joined Jake and Sunghoon’s friend group, and although you still got on well, there was always a bit of an awkward atmosphere when you caught up with each other.

The three friends had quite different personalities but their complicity and shared history made them stick together. Jake was known for his academic achievements, rivaling yours, and his friendly personality; Jay, for his surprisingly funny antics once you got past the somewhat menacing appearance (which he blames on his resting bitch face). Sunghoon, on the other hand, was as cold as ice, so much that he’d earned the nickname of ice prince, but girls continued to swoon over him due to his incredibly handsome features. When turning down girls, Jake and Jay always tried to let them down gently, but Sunghoon wasn’t one to hold back: he’d laugh in their face or straight up say no, staring them right in the eyes. Most confessions ended in tears (not his, obviously), but girls kept on testing their luck, thinking they might be the one to melt the ice prince’s cold, dead heart.

Clearly, you weren’t Sunghoon’s biggest fan.

His behavior had always made you wonder why Jay and Jake were friends with a person like him. They went back a long time, but how did Sunghoon not become a nice and approachable person like his two best friends? They both seemed so genuine, but he looked like he was hiding something. This was what had made you weary of him; you knew all too well how easily an image that was the opposite of reality could be created. So on one hand, you sort of felt for him, thinking he might be in a similar situation as you. But on the other hand, you couldn’t help but feel some kind of jealousy: if you acted the way he did, you wouldn’t receive half the admiration you did. Hell, you’d probably be hated for it - no one likes a girl that’s both successful and bitchy about it. 

One thing was sure, though, and that was that you wouldn’t call the two of you friends, as he just had.

“Y/N? You okay?”

The pure panic in your eyes must’ve made Sunghoon realize something was wrong. He released you and looked you up and down, trying to take your appearance in. The Y/N he was seeing right then was worlds away from the one he was accustomed to at school. 

You realized there was no ignoring him, so you collected yourself and faced Sunghoon. “Uh, yeah, hi, Sunghoon. Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting to see anyone I knew here.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, no wonder. You look quite… different from what you usually do,” he said, voice laced with sarcasm.

This whole situation got you dumbfounded. You usually knew exactly what to retort when somebody messed with you, your friend or a classmate, but this time, you were completely speechless. You just wanted to escape.

“Well, it was nice seeing you Sunghoon, but I need to get home.” You pivoted on your heels and started walking again, but Sunghoon had other plans.

“Aw, come on, so quickly? We barely got to chat!” He followed you through the aisles as you picked up the remaining ingredients on the list your mother had given you as quickly as you could.

“I didn’t know you needed glasses. Do you wear lenses at school?”

“Yes. I need them to see.”

“I figured.” You could hear the smirk in his voice, and your shock was slowly morphing into anger. Were teenage girls so blind that they’d have a crush on someone with such an abominable personality, no matter how angelic his face was? 

“I really like your outfit, by the way. Looks super comfy.” And as if your embarrassment couldn’t grow any bigger, he added: “Too bad you got a stain on the shirt.”

You looked down at yourself and noticed a huge grease stain on the collar of your shirt. Admittedly, you didn’t always have the best table manners. 

You swore under your breath. It was quiet for a couple minutes as you arrived at the register and paid for your items, Sunghoon still on your tail. He had apparently given up his purchases to focus solely on tormenting you. When you walked out of the store, you thought he might finally be done. But of course, he wasn’t.

“You know, my sister has this really effective pimple cream she uses. Do you want me to ask her what brand it is?”

That was it. You sighed deeply. “Alright, Park. What do you want?”

When you turned to face him fully, arms crossing over your chest and an obviously tired expression on your face, the mischievous glint in his eyes made you realize something. That idiot was enjoying this. 

Indeed, he beamed down at you. You had probably never seen him smiling so widely. “Wow, Y/N, didn’t know you could have such an attitude.”

You stayed silent and continued staring at him, waiting for an answer. He mirrored your pose, out of instinct or to irritate you, you weren’t sure.

“You know, when I moved to this neighborhood before the start of school, I was definitely not expecting to see Perfect Miss Y/N out in her pajamas buying ice cream. I thought you were more into, I don’t know, rescuing puppies from fires or something. That sounds like something you’d do in your free time.”

“Well, is there anything wrong with what I’m doing?”

“Oh, absolutely not! Just a surprising sight. Makes me wonder what the rest of the school would say…” He looked intently at you, clearly waiting for a reaction. You weren’t about to give him one, though.

You chuckled and rolled your eyes, shifting your weight on your right foot. “Yeah, like anyone would believe you if you said you saw me looking anything else other than perfect.” It might’ve sounded arrogant, but that was the image people had of you. Even your friends asked you how you did it - if only they knew the truth.

At that, his smile got even brighter. “Don’t worry about that, I won’t need to tell anyone. I’ll just show them!” He pulled out his phone, showing you a picture of you in your god-awful pajamas searching for your favorite flavor of ice cream.

He watched as your face fell, taking your silence as an opportunity to go on. “You were so engrossed in the tubs of ice cream that you didn’t notice a dashingly handsome and tall young man very obviously taking pictures of you.”

This put you into panic mode again. It might have seemed foolish, but you hadn’t worked for years to create a perfect version of yourself only for a stupid boy to destroy it all with one picture. 

You sighed and lowered your head, taking a moment to think. You didn’t know Sunghoon that well, but you didn’t put it past him to send that picture to everyone and ruin your image in the process. You opted for honesty instead of bluff. You took your glasses off and looked back up at him; even if you couldn’t see him as well without them, maybe he’d see the despair in your eyes better.

“Park. I mean, Sunghoon. You can’t show that picture to anyone, okay? You have no idea how bad I need to keep up appearances. It’s really important to me, so just delete the picture and let’s never talk about this again, yeah?”

You tried smiling at him, but his expression infuriated you. You could tell he had something else up his sleeve. “Now, Y/N, why would I do that? If I’m gonna do something for you, you should do something for me.”

You weren’t sure if you wanted to hear the rest of his thoughts, but you needed to know. Eyeing him suspiciously, you told him to go on.

“Well, I can’t think of anything right now, but I’ll let you know when I do, okay? I’ll see you around, Y/N.” He flashed another one of his smiles, patted your head, and walked away, just like that, leaving you standing outside the convenience store on your own, a melting tub of ice cream in your plastic bag. At least for now, you were safe.

Right?

—

“You saw Park Sunghoon? As in, the Park Sunghoon?” your little sister Yeeun asked, looking at you with huge eyes. You two and Sunoo were sitting on your bed, sharing the ice cream by eating it directly from the tub.

“Yes, that’s literally what I’ve been saying this whole time. How do you know him anyway? You’re still in middle school…”

“Are you crazy? He’s famous in our whole school district! I wish we had cute boys in my school as well,” she sulked, pouting.

“That’s not the point, Yeeun,” Sunoo chimed in, then turned to you. “Well, this is either bad news or the start of a beautiful romance.”

“Sunoo! Take this seriously! I’m in a huge dilemma right now.”

Your siblings shared a knowing glance and snickered.

“Hey! I’m right here. I’m not overreacting, you know. If he does send those pictures around, I’m done for.”

“Oh, come on, Y/N, you’d be so much better off if you could be yourself at school. I see you there almost everyday, and the way you laugh always sounds so fake. Nobody would care if you forgot to put makeup on one day or had a crease in your shirt. If anything, it’d make you look more human.”

You could see where Sunoo was coming from, but you chose to ignore it. You sighed deeply. “You guys just don’t get it. They all see me as this perfect, put-together girl. If I showed them even a glimpse of the truth, everything would shatter. It’s too late to go back now.” You ignored their pitying looks and took another big spoonful of ice cream.

It was their turn to sigh. As always, it was impossible to reason with you. Deep in your thoughts, you added: “You know, there was something really off about him today. I’d never seen him act that way before.”

Your siblings looked at you questioningly. “He’s always so cold and distant towards everyone. I’ve only seen him smile when he’s laughing with Jake and Jay or when he makes fun of someone. But just now, he kept smiling at me like he was having fun. He even patted my head when he left.”

At that, Yeeun swooned dramatically, hands over her heart. You looked over at her and said, “I’d be swooning too if it was any other guy than Park Sunghoon. I’m more confused than anything right now, he was a completely different person from when I see him at school.”

They exchanged another look. “You guys stop doing that!”

“Well, it’s just that that sounds an awful lot like someone I know,” Sunoo replied. Realization hit you and you scoffed, mildly offended. At least you were nice to others at school and didn’t act like an asshole with a superiority complex.

“Anyway,” he continued, “what will you do about Sunghoon?”

“I’m not too sure. I guess all I can do is wait and see whatever it is he could want from me.”

“Yeah, do that, and then date him, please. If I can’t have him as my boyfriend, then I’ll have him as my brother-in-law,” Yeeun joked. You didn’t have it in you to retort anything back and started laughing along with her. 

If everything did shatter, at least you’d have your siblings to make you laugh.

— 

The next day, you made your way to the bus stop after your daily morning routine: jogging, showering, eating a filling breakfast, choosing the perfect accessories for your school uniform, applying just the right amount of makeup and going over your subjects and tasks of the day. As always, efficiency is the key. You had become so used to this routine that your body did it on its own, which let your mind wander wherever it pleased. Usually, you’d use this time to prepare yourself for the day ahead, but today, the only thing on your mind was Park Sunghoon. What was that boy up to? Was he up to anything, or did you completely imagine his mischievousness yesterday? In any case, you hoped it would all be over soon. 

You got on the bus and sat down next to Sumin. Your close friend group at school consisted of her, Park Sieun, Lee Heeseung and Choi Jiung, but she was the only one who knew about your secret. You had been friends for so long that you hadn’t even been able to hide it: she’d seen you from all angles, both before, during and after your transformation to who you were now. It was nice having someone else than your siblings to rely on and tell everything to. 

“Minie, you’ll never guess what happened yesterday. I ran into Park Sunghoon at the convenience store next to our apartment unit.”

She raised her eyebrows in surprise, but her reaction wasn’t as big as you thought it’d be. She smiled and said, “Huh! I knew he’d moved to our neighborhood, but I wouldn’t have thought he’d live so close to you that you’d even shop at the same place.”

She registered your confused expression and continued. “Didn’t you hear? He moved out of his parents’ house at the end of summer. Something about a huge fight with them that made him move out. But there are always so many rumors about him and his group that I don’t know what to believe.”

“Oh,” you mumbled, unsure what to say. Now that you thought about it, Sunghoon had mentioned moving in your conversation yesterday, but you were so preoccupied with him seeing you in your wild state that you hadn’t paid much attention to his comment.

“Wait, did he do something? Your face is telling me he did something.”

You got closer to her face and gestured for her to do the same. With lowered heads and in hushed tones, you said, “He saw me on off-mode.”

She gasped and jolted back in surprise, eyes wide and eyebrows shooting straight up. “What?”

You shushed her and pulled her in by her shoulders. “He even took pictures.” Your grip tight, you held her from jumping again. “That’s not even it. You know how he's always really cold and distant?”

“You mean how he’s always being a douchebag?” She scoffed. “Yeah, I know.”

You remembered that Sumin had been one of the first of many girls who shot their shot with Park Sunghoon, only to get rejected. You both grimaced at the memory that always left a bad taste in your mouth.

“He was completely different yesterday. Kept following me around the store and, I’m not sure, teasing me? Like trying to get a reaction out of me? In a weird half-friendly half-bully way.”

“Hm, you’re right, that doesn’t sound like him,” she mused. “It does sound like a stupid teenage boy though, which I guess he is, no matter how hard he tries to pretend he’s not.”

This is what you loved about Sumin. She could see right through people, and never hesitated to say what she thought of them, especially when they acted the way Sunghoon did. Sure, there were some personal feelings attached there, but she had quickly gotten over them when she realized how much of a douche he was towards everyone else.

When the bus stopped to pick up some more students, Heeseung hopped on. You quickly told Sumin to keep it a secret, at which she smiled and made a motion as if zipping her lips and throwing the key. If you told your friends about Sunghoon, you’d have to tell them the truth about how he had dirt on you, but you wanted to keep your friendship clean. You chatted the rest of the bus ride away and tried not to worry over Park Sunghoon too much.

When you finally got to school, you, Heeseung, and Sumin made your way to your classroom to join Jiung and Sieun. Before you could get there, however, Jungwon, an underclassman you had talked to a couple times for student council meetings, called out your name. You told your friends to go on without you and turned to the younger boy.

“Jungwon! Hi, what’s up?”

He seemed flattered that you had remembered his name but quickly got on with his business. “Um, I’m not sure why, but Sunghoon told me to come and get you? I’ve never talked to him, I think he just picked me randomly and assigned me a task…”

You sighed. Park Sunghoon truly was something. “Thanks for telling me, Jungwon. I’ll make sure he gets an earful for this, he has no right to boss students around like that.”

Jungwon’s eyes doubled in size as he frantically waved his hands in dismissal. “No! No need to do that, I don’t want to get in trouble with him. I’m just here to relay the message.” At that, he scurried off, and you headed towards Sunghoon’s homeroom. 

When you walked in, a few people were in the room, some girls gossiping with each other, a couple students doing some last-minute revision for a test. You found Sunghoon sitting at his desk, snickering with Jay and Jake and hoped that the subject of their laughter wasn’t you. They noticed you approaching and the two decent boys greeted you; the other one eyed you, that mischievous glint back in his eyes. What could he possibly have in mind?

“Hi, guys.” You smiled at Jay and Jake and reflexively stood closer to Jay. “Sunghoon, Jungwon said you wanted to see me?” you asked, trying to keep your impatience at bay.

“Oh, was that his name? Well, thank heavens for him, ‘cause I forgot my lunch at home. Would you be a sweetheart and go buy me something at the cafeteria? You know how everything runs out as soon as lunch period starts, and I get really cranky when I’m hungry.”

You stared at him, wide-eyed. His two friends’ reaction wasn’t very different from yours. Go buy him lunch? That’s what he wanted you to do?

“What? You don’t want to? That’s too bad, cause there’s a picture I think everybo-”

You cut him off before he could finish. “No! Of course I’ll do it! Can’t have our star player go hungry, now can we?” You cringed at your own words and Jay eyed you suspiciously. Sunghoon beamed, and Jake’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of you in pure confusion. “Um, any preferences?”

His smile got wider. “A tuna mayo would be amazing. Thanks, Y/N! You’re the best!”

“Sure…” you mumbled and quickly walked away, more bemused than ever. You checked your watch. You had 10 minutes before the first bell rang, and you could not be late for class, which meant you needed to hurry. 

You got back to Sunghoon’s classroom just a minute before the first bell. To your dismay, the class was almost full, and girls had gathered around him, trying to get his attention, but he seemed unbothered by their presence. You braced yourself and walked towards him. As your presence rarely went by unnoticed, most eyes were on you and Sunghoon. Not only were you two some of the most popular kids in school, you also happened to be handing him his lunch, a never-seen-before sight between the two of you. 

“I also got you banana milk, for good measure…” 

What had seemed like a great idea a few minutes ago, something to appease the devil in him, now felt like the biggest mistake of your life. The girls around him started whispering left and right and you weren’t sure whether they felt bad for you, sensing an incoming rejection, or wanted to tear you to shreds for even trying. 

The whispers grew even louder when Sunghoon took the sandwich and milk from your hands, thanking you with a smile. You’d be lying if you said your heart hadn’t done a small jump in your chest at that moment. As much as you hated to admit it, if looks were the sole factor for popularity, then you could definitely understand why Park Sunghoon was so loved. His face looked like it had been carved by the gods themselves. When his eyebrows weren’t turned in a frown, his eyes looked almost sweet, especially when he laughed. His two moles gave him so much charm, the curve of his nose was so delicate and his pink lips looked so, so soft… 

You cleared your throat and smiled back at him before turning around to walk to your own classroom.

“Wait, Y/N!”

You turned back around, all eyes on you. You could feel Jay’s eyes burning holes into you. Sunghoon was still smiling. You thought you’d seen him smile more in the past two days than you had in all the years you’d known him.

“I’ll see you later.”

—

And indeed see him later you did. You always hung back a bit after classes ended to get homework done or work out student council issues. Being in an empty classroom brought you some peace and quiet, very different from the busyness and noise of your home. You couldn’t even focus in your own room, your siblings or parents always barging in to disturb you. The after-school janitors now knew you by name and saved cleaning the classroom you were sitting in for last. 

You had been barely sitting there for 5 minutes, nose buried in a math problem, when Park Sunghoon graciously strode in, swung the chair in front of you around and sat on it, arms crossed over its back as he peered at you. You didn’t even bother to look up at him as you spoke. “What, Park?”

“Oh no, back to last name basis already?” he joked. You didn’t laugh. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Wow, tough crowd. Anyways, thanks for the sandwich today.”

This made you look at him. Or rather, shoot daggers at him. “Yeah, what the hell was that all about? Did you have to pull that little stunt in front of everybody? You know what our school is like! Rumors are gonna start spreading like wildfire.”

“I already told you,” he said with a defensive tone. “Forgot my lunch, everything was gonna run out, didn’t want to get hungry later,” he said as he shrugged, completely ignoring the latter part of your complaint.

“And you couldn’t have gone and gotten it yourself?”

He beamed. If it wasn’t so damn beautiful, you probably would have started getting tired of his stupid smile already. “Why would I do that when I could get you to do it?”

You sighed. “I knew you weren’t the nicest guy, but I didn’t know you could be such an asshole, Park.”

If you hadn’t been staring him down so intently, you might not have noticed the falter in his smile, so quick it was.

“Oh, come on, Y/N. If anything, I’m doing you a favor by not sending out to everyone that picture you so desperately want to keep secret. Thing is, doing that wouldn’t benefit me in any way, except for getting the satisfaction of seeing everybody realize you’re not as perfect as they think you are. Whereas holding it over your head allows me to do basically anything I want with you. And that, that is just so much fun,” he beams, lowering his voice into a whisper for the last sentence.

What a psycho, you thought. You just sighed once more and returned to your textbook, too weirded out to say anything back. You hoped the silence would make Sunghoon realize how creepy what he had just said was. 

It was quiet in the room, only the sound of your pencil scratching your notebook could be heard. Sunghoon sat in the same position and watched you working. He often saw you like this, focused and benched over a desk, in the library or walking past your classroom. But it was always in passing, and looking at you so closely made all the world’s difference. He could see how you scrunched your nose when the problem got particularly difficult, or how your smirk as you solved another one made your left dimple appear. He also liked the annoyed looks you gave him every once in a while, as if his presence was disturbing your focus. He wasn’t sure what it was, but there was something about seeing someone who always went about their way with such purpose sitting in such silence.

He decided to break that silence. “You know, Jay was asking about you earlier.”

You kept your eyes trained on your notebook but abruptly stopped writing, your pencil leaving a small scratch on the paper. This didn’t go unnoticed by Sunghoon. “Did he?” you said, trying to sound as uninterested as possible, although you couldn’t help but be curious. Ever since Jay and you had grown apart, there was always a part of you wondering what he was up to, how he was doing, if he thought of you once in a while or reminisced about the good old times as you sometimes did. 

“Yeah. I mean, everyone did, but I didn’t really care,” he answers simply, and even though you’re itching to push him to say more, you stay quiet. “You’re right, by the way, I do know the people in our school. The rumors have already started spreading. Up to you whether you wanna deny them or not, though,” he said with a smirk.

“Don’t even think about it, Park. There’s not a chance in hell I’ll let them think we have a thing going on. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.”

He chuckled. “Trust me, I know. Anyway, he wanted to know why you did that for me. Guess he was jealous you didn’t do it for him, too.”

“Why would he be?” you asked, trying to make the question sound as innocent as possible. 

“Well, you two go a long way back, right?” he asked tentatively, as if testing the waters.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Then it was probably weird for him to see his childhood best friend and his best bro interacting out of nowhere, even though we’ve both seen each other around a lot and nothing has ever come out of that. Don’t you think?”

A beat passed as you thought about it. “Yeah, I guess that’d look weird to him,” you replied, trying to keep the disappointment out of your voice.

You quickly wrote down your last answer, packed up your things, and stood up. “Well, I’m off now. I’ll see you around, unfortunately.”

Sunghoon, surprised at your quick departure, scrambled to get off his chair and chased after you. “Do you want me to drop you off? I’ve got a car, you know. Much more glamorous than the bus.”

You turned around and looked at him. “I’d rather get hit by said bus than get in your car, Park.”

He stood there, watching you walk away with a smirk on his face as your ponytail swayed from side to side. This was going to be a challenge. You were going to be a challenge. 

Thing is, he loved a good challenge.

—

Back home, you flopped down on your bed and buried your face in your pillow. You laid there for a few minutes, taking some time to gather your thoughts and try to understand Sunghoon’s actions. It was of no use; you weren’t a mind-reader, and he seemed impossible to figure out. He could make you do basically whatever he wanted to, and he decided to make you get him lunch, creating rumors along the way? What could he possibly get out of that?

Your reflexions were quickly interrupted, however, by a flurry of incoming messages on your phone. Someone had posted a photo of you handing his banana milk to Sunghoon on your school’s Instagram account - because apparently, your school was so obsessed with gossip that they had created an Instagram page just for it. The photo had blown up among your peers and it made you wonder if people really were that bored with their lives.

People you barely knew but that felt entitled to knowing your relationship status were DMing you, asking about today’s events. You quickly got tired of it, so you texted your worried and confused friends that you didn’t feel like talking tonight and would catch up with them tomorrow. You opened your textbook, deciding that studying would be the best and most efficient distraction.

When your parents called you and your siblings for dinner, you still weren’t feeling great. Your family quickly registered your annoyed expression and could only hope for the best. You already weren’t the easiest to live with, but when you were tired, you just got a hundred times worse.

“So, how was everyone’s day?” your mom asked cheerily.

Yeeun’s eyes lit up instantly. “Mine was great! I met a really cute boy. His name is Nishimura Riki and he just transferred from Japan.”

“Oh, that’s nice!”

“You’re too young to be thinking about boys, Yeeun.”

Your mom and dad had replied at the same time, then gave each other a stern look.

“I’m not thinking about him, Dad, just looking,” your sister replied, earning a chuckle from your concerned father. 

“Mine was alright. I guess the start-of-a-new-year excitement has already worn off. After a week,” Sunoo said with a sigh. 

Your mom turned to you. “What about you, Y/N?”

“It was fine.”

The sharpness of your tone changed the atmosphere in the room at once. You ignored the looks your family exchanged and continued eating your food, eyes not leaving your plate.

For some reason, Sunoo thought it’d be a great idea to chime in. “She’s not happy because she had to buy Park Sunghoon his lunch and everybody went crazy over it.”

“Sunoo!” you protested. Your parents didn’t need to know about this sort of stuff.

“Park Sunghoon? Is that someone we’re supposed to know?” your dad questioned.

Yeeun scoffed. “Uh, he’s only the most popular and handsome guy at Y/N and Sunoo’s school, dad. Duh.”

“Right. Duh,” your dad said, imitating your sister’s tone.

“And why did you have to buy his lunch, Y/N?” your mom asked.

“Because he saw what she looks like when she’s not at school,” Sunoo said, not even giving you the chance to reply yourself.

“Sunoo!” you scolded again.

“And now I guess he’s using that against her to get her to do what he wants? Right, Y/N?”

You glared at your brother and let a beat pass. “Right,” you reluctantly admitted.

“Lucky…” your sister mused, expression like she was daydreaming about being Sunghoon’s personal assistant.

Your dad ignored your sister and looked straight at you. “That’s inadmissible, Y/N. You can’t let him do that.”

“Your father’s right, sweetie. It’s not right,” your mom added when you stayed silent.

With everybody’s eyes on you, you felt obligated to reply. “It’s fine. It’s not like he asked me to do anything crazy. I’m sure he’ll stop soon enough.”

“You know, boys that age, they’ll do anything to get a girl’s attention,” your dad warned. “Just ignore him and he’ll go away.”

“If she ignores him, he’ll tell everyone what she’s really like,” your brother explained.

“And what’s so bad about that? I’m sure it’d be easier if you stopped lying to everyone.”

Everyone suddenly stopped in their motions, wondering why your mom would say something so true yet so controversial. You looked up at her. “What’s so bad about that? What’s so bad? I don’t know, maybe the fact that I’ve worked so hard all these years for everybody to like me and look up to me only for a stupid picture taken by a stupid boy to ruin everything,” you said all in one breath, voice coming out harsh. You were tired of having to explain the same thing over and over again - your parents just didn’t understand why you did what you did.

Your mom opened and closed her mouth again, knowing it was useless trying to talk sense into you. It never ended well when you had this conversation.

“Who put mushrooms in this anyway? You know I hate mushrooms,” you said before filling up your bowl and taking it to eat in your room, making sure you’d slammed your door behind you.

—

On the bus the next day, you tried to explain the events of the previous day to your friends.

“There’s nothing really to it. He just asked me to get him lunch so I did, and when I handed it to him, his whole class was there and saw everything.”

“I get that, but I just don’t understand why he made you do it in the first place, or why you agreed,” Heeseung said, “it’s so unlike the both of you to do something like that.”

You hadn’t even thought to come up with an excuse for your and Sunghoon’s yesterday - your friends were definitely super confused, but you didn’t want to tell them the truth, so you had to quickly find something to say that was somewhat believable, and change the subject.

“I have no idea why he did what he did, but I didn’t want to cause a scene so I just agreed. I don’t really care, to be honest, I just wish it didn’t have such consequences. People seem to think we’re characters on a stupid Netflix coming-of-age series or something, when we literally just go to their school.”

As soon as you’d turned your phone back on this morning, it started pinging with all the messages that had flown in since last night. People were talking about it everywhere: Kim Y/N, highly sought-after bachelorette, had offered Park Sunghoon, notorious rejecter of girls and breaker of hearts, a sandwich and a banana milk, and he had taken them. What’s more, he had been seen at lunch heartily eating them. This was serious.

You didn’t think things could get any worse until you got to school. You were used to random people coming up to you in the hallways or in class for help, except today they weren’t asking for help at all - they were asking what was up between you and Sunghoon, as though handing him a tuna mayo was like asking for his hand in marriage. Most of them were just curious, but some, especially his fanclub members, had an aggressive tone to their voice, which you weren’t used to. If people started liking you less because of Sunghoon, you were going to kill him.

But you had to hold onto that thought, because an all too familiar voice had suddenly called out to you on your way to class. You took a deep breath and turned around, watching him take long strides towards you. You immediately became aware of the amount of people in the hallway and realized you couldn’t talk to him like you had the previous day in front of everybody. You mustered the fakest smile you could and greeted him.

“Hi, Sunghoon. What can I help you with today?”

He smiled, obviously enjoying the fact that you had to be nice to him. “I’ve got my sports bag because of practice later tonight. Mind holding onto that for me for the day?”

Your fake smile turned a bit crazy as your eyes widened in disbelief. "Don’t you have a locker for that, Sunghoon?”

“Yeah, but it’s so much more fun if you’re the one to hold it.” And with that, he threw the bag in your direction, leaving approximately 0.5 seconds to catch it. “I’ll need that later today. Meet me in front of the locker rooms after school, yeah?”

He didn’t bother to wait for your answer and walked away, Jake and Jay following closely behind. Jay sent you a questioning look, to which you could only reply with a shrug. If it wasn’t for all the students in the hallway, you would’ve been yelling Sunghoon’s ear off at that point. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a possibility, so you just smiled to your friends who were looking more confused than ever.

“Let’s just go to class, guys.”

—

Throughout the whole day, you could feel people staring at you, then at the bag you were holding, then starting to whisper among themselves. You tried your best to concentrate in class so you could momentarily stop pondering over what Sunghoon’s evil master plan might be, but everyone seemed bent on making that usually simple feat impossible. When 3:30 p.m. finally came around, you bid your friends goodbye and headed to the boys’ locker room. Every boy walking in eyed you suspiciously, unsure as to what you could be doing there. Of course, Sunghoon had to take his sweet time to get there. 

Staring at the opposite wall and planning Sunghoon’s murder in your head, you hadn’t noticed Jay and Jake arriving. Jay signaled for his friend to go inside the locker room and told him he’d join him in a minute. He waved his hand in front of you to get your attention, a smile on his face. You sighed in relief at the familiar sight of your friend.

“Hey, Jay. Sorry I didn’t see you.”

“You okay, Y/N? You look like you’re about to murder someone,” he said, slightly amused.

“If only you knew,” you mumbled.

He noticed the bag in your hand. “You waiting for Sunghoon?”

“Yeah. If only he could hurry up a little bit. I’ve got stuff to do.”

There was something about Jay that made it impossible to lie to him. Maybe it was the fact that you had known each other for so long, way before you’d turned into what you were now, that made you feel as though showing a side of you that gets annoyed and impatient and doesn’t smile all the time was okay.

Jay looked at his feet before looking back up at you. You were still staring at the wall but your murderous thoughts had somewhat calmed. “Mind telling me what this whole thing with Sunghoon is about?”

You turned to him and were about to fumble for an answer when someone interrupted you. “What whole thing with me?”

Whew. Saved by Sunghoon. You didn’t like that it was thanks to him that you could get out of answering Jay, but at least you didn’t have to come up with yet another stupid excuse.

Jay turned his attention to his friend and stood up straighter. “You know, making her get you lunch or hold your bag all day. There’s dozens of girls who’d be more than happy to do that for you, so why Y/N? She doesn’t have time for this stuff.”

You looked at Jay with surprise. Sure, you were friends, but you hadn’t thought he’d defend you like that in front of Sunghoon.

“Well, Y/N’s just such a nice, reliable person. No one better to ask to do those things.” What a reason, you thought. He turned to you and took the bag from your hands. “Thanks, Y/N. I’ll see you outside in a couple minutes.”

“Huh? What do you mean? I’m leaving,” you said, body already headed towards the other direction.

“What? You can’t leave before practice has even started. Go to the benches outside, we’ll be out in a few.”

You were about to open your mouth to protest, but he cut you off. “You don’t want to?” He started pulling out his phone. “That’s funny, because there’s a pict-”

“I’ll be on the benches! See you soon!” you quickly said, pushing the two boys inside the locker room, Sunghoon smirking, Jay looking at you in utter confusion.

Girls sat in a few different groups in the bleachers. You recognized the girls in one of those groups, so you decided to sit with them. As you approached, they quickly looked at each other and then back at you, expressions half-friendly, half-what-the-hell-are-you-doing-here. 

“Hi guys! Mind if I join?”

“Hi Y/N! No, of course not, come sit,” Jake’s girlfriend, Yujin, said. 

“Are you guys here to watch practice?”

“Yeah! I’m here on girlfriend duties for Jake. These two are just here for the eye candy and to keep me company,” Yujin explained.

“Yeah, but mostly for the eye candy,” added her friend Wonyoung. 

“What about you, Y/N? I’ve never seen you here,” asked the last girl, Gaeul.

“Oh, um, Sunghoon asked me to come, actually.” You regretted your words as soon as you’d let them out. They all ooh-ed at your response, making you blush, which just egged them on. This was nothing to blush about, Y/N. You’d just made the rumors get a hundred times worse with one sentence.

“The whole school’s been talking about you two, you know. Anything you wanna share? Don’t worry, we can keep a secret,” said Wonyoung with a wink. You chuckled awkwardly.

“Oh my gosh, yes, tell us!”

“Guys, don’t make her uncomfortable,” Yujin chimed in, smiling at you. You returned her smile, grateful, once again, that you didn’t have to explain your new link to Sunghoon. “Look, practice is starting.”

You turned your head towards the field as the soccer players started doing laps as per the coach’s instructions. Your eyes immediately drifted towards Sunghoon without you even realizing it. His lean figure hypnotized you. The last time you had had PE with him was in freshman year, and puberty had hit him like a fine, fine truck. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him as he lightly jogged next to his friends, chatting like it was nothing. You weren’t being very subtle with your stare and he eventually noticed you, sending a wink your way. This made you snap out of your reverie and you scowled at him, as if he could make out your annoyed expression from such a distance. You turned back to the girls, who were giggling at you.

“Wow, those were some serious heart eyes you were giving him, Y/N,” Gaeul giggled.

You opened your mouth in mild shock. “Was not!”

“Sure, whatever you say,” she replied knowingly. “Well, look all you want. Warm-up is the best part. It gets boring when they actually start playing.”

“No way! Watching them play is my favorite part,” Yujin disagreed.

“Yeah, that’s cause you’ve got someone to root for,” retorted Wonyoung. She looked at you slyly. “Well, I guess Y/N does, too.”

You scoffed. “Believe me, I will not be rooting for him.”

You started staring at him again, this time with a glare in your eyes. From their silence, you deduced the girls must’ve judged it a better idea to not question you too much. After the boys were done with running exercises and stretching (which you had enjoyed watching a bit too much, if you spoke truthfully), they started playing. The coach split the boys into two teams, Jay leading one and Sunghoon the other. It was a very close game. You could never tell who was leading, although that might have been due to your extensive lack of knowledge in the sport. All you knew was that you desperately wanted to see Sunghoon lose; that might put him down a peg. What you told yourself, however, was that you wanted Jay to win. So when he scored a goal, you surprised the girls next to you, the boys on the field and yourself as you jumped up and down, cheering for him. Realizing what you were doing, you quickly sat down and sent him an awkward thumbs up.

Jay tried to hide it, but he was blushing. Hard. Truth be told, he had noticed your little eye contact moment with Sunghoon during warm-up and hadn’t particularly enjoyed it. So seeing you cheer for him like that made him swell with pride, which only grew when Sunghoon scored and you barely reacted. 

When the game was over, you thought you might be able to finally go home and start studying. But Sunghoon had other plans for you, as always these past couple days. Heading towards the showers, he motioned for you to come down from the benches. As you did, Jay walked past, and you smiled at each other.

“Good game.”

“Thanks, Y/N.” He continued walking as Sunghoon reached you.

“What about me? I scored a goal, too.”

“Oh, did you? Didn’t even notice," you said, looking at your nails. The polish was starting to chip - you’d need to reapply a layer tonight.

“Whatever. Wait for me, yeah?”

“What? No! I gotta go home!” But your protests were in vain, as he completely ignored you. 

You waited outside the school with Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul. After a little while, Jake, Jay and Sunghoon joined you guys, having successfully showered and not smelling of sweat and dirt, thank God. Yujin was dropping her boyfriend and her friends off, so they bid their goodbyes and headed towards her car. Sunghoon and Jay also started to walk towards the parking lot, leaving you standing alone, not sure what to do. Sunghoon turned around and looked at you with a frown.

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t know, what are you doing?”

“I’m dropping you and Jay off.”

“Oh,” you mumbled, taken aback. “Didn’t know I was just supposed to guess that.”

As soon as Sunghoon started to drive, you noticed the awkward air between the three of you. Luckily, after years of being a people-pleaser, you had become somewhat of an expert in making small talk, which helped prevent a silent ride. You don’t think you could’ve gone through that without a mental breakdown.

Because you and Sunghoon lived closer to each other (and we all know the consequences of that), Jay was dropped off before you. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow at school,” he said before giving you a last glance.

“Bye, Jay.”

“See you, bro.”

Thankfully, you only lived a couple minutes by car from Jay’s and hoped the rest of the car ride would be peaceful. Which was really stupid of you to hope for, because you were in the car with Park Sunghoon.

“So, Park Jongseong, huh?” he said, eyes trained on the road in front of him. Even though he was trying to keep his tone light, you thought you detected a slight harshness to his gaze.

“What about him?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

“There’s nothing to say. We’ve just been friends for a long time.”

It was silent for about five seconds. “You really feasted your eyes during warm-up, huh?”

“Shut up, Park.”

“No, it’s alright, I get it. I’d do the same.” He laughed at his own joke that wasn’t really a joke. Why was he laughing, anyway? 

You looked at him. His face was so different from all those times you’d seen it at school. His eyes, rid of the harshness you’d seen earlier, crinkled at the edges and had an amused glint in them. His smile dug pretty dimples into his cheeks and you let your gaze linger long enough to notice he had sharp, vampire-like canines, which were surprisingly cute. You didn’t know why he was showing you a side of him he never showed anyone, except for his close friends, you assumed. You weren’t sure what overcame you, but you chuckled with him. 

“So, do you already know what task you’re gonna give me tomorrow?” you asked, genuinely curious.

“Hmm, haven’t really thought about it yet. I’d rather keep it a surprise, anyway. Keep you on your toes.”

“Pfft. What a great surprise.” He laughed again, and you couldn’t help but join him. He was unusually giddy that day, but you didn’t want to complain. This was a thousand times better than the arrogant Sunghoon with his I’m-better-than-all-of-you facade. What you didn’t know was that he, too, liked your snarky, no-nonsense side infinitely more than the model student, pretty girl persona you had created for yourself.

Finally at your house, you got out of the car and headed to your house after waving goodbye to Sunghoon. He rolled his window down and leaned out of it.

“Y/N?”

You turned around. “Yeah?”

“About your task tomorrow…”

“…Yeah?”

“I’m sure you’ll love it.” He gave you an umpteenth wink, rolled his window back up and drove off.

You weren’t so awful to your parents and siblings that evening.

—

The next day at school, you were wondering why Sunghoon had said you would love your task. Because you were, in fact, quite loathing it. He had found you studying during your free period after lunch and dragged you to the part of the library where it was okay to talk a bit over whisper level. You were currently going over a scene in The Tempest which you had seen in AP English Lit last year and clearly had no time for. But obviously, that wasn’t a problem to Sunghoon, who just wanted to get a passing grade on his English essay without putting in too much effort. 

After twenty minutes of going over the same five lines, you were about to give up. “Look, Sunghoon, I don’t mind helping you. I’ve tutored dozens of students before so I’m used to it. But you’re not making any effort! If you want to get it, you need to at least try.”

“But it’s so boring,” he whined, not unlike a child. “How am I supposed to find any meaning in this? It’s just stupid people doing stupid stuff on a stupid island.” You cringed at his words and hoped Shakespeare wasn’t listening in on this conversation. 

“It’s not stupid. It’s about power, and being punished for chasing it, and it’s a metaphor fo-”

“Ugh!” he groaned loudly. “You know what, I don’t care enough about this. Just write the essay for me, okay?” He got up and left, again not waiting for your answer. You wanted to protest, but you know what would happen if you said no to any of his requests, so you just quickly got to work.

Everyday over the next couple of weeks, Sunghoon would find something for you to do. Most days, he’d just get you to buy him lunch (although he thankfully had started paying you back) or carry his stuff around like the first two times. He didn’t ask you again to tutor him, however, so you had gotten used to sitting in an empty class together after class, you doing his homework for him and attempting (and failing) to explain it to him, and him alternating between playing on his phone and looking at you. Although it’d flustered you at first, not used to having someone stare at you while you were trying to concentrate, you’d grown somewhat okay with it - all of your complaints were ignored anyway. One time, he even got you to work on his science project with him, a weirdly-shaped volcano he needed to paint and decorate before actually putting the chemicals in. You’d be lying if you said it hadn’t been fun painting it together, occasionally ‘accidentally’ getting paint on the other’s hand or cheek instead of the volcano. 

You went to see him at practice two to three times a week, although you weren’t sure what use that had for him. If anything, you were probably the one who enjoyed yourself more. Perhaps, after being forced to spend so much time with him, you had started to soften up to him. And, perhaps, that made you appreciate his good looks even more. You couldn’t deny the effect his damp hair, stuck to his forehead with sweat, had on you. 

The rumors hadn’t died down, but people had started getting used to seeing the two of you together around, so they didn’t ogle their eyes at you everytime you and Sunghoon had some kind of interaction. Not liking that you couldn’t control people’s opinion of you anymore, you were still a bit bothered by them, but Sunghoon’s little posse of fangirls didn’t seem to be. They’d been the one to question you the most, and you got a few nasty looks in the hallway, but the gossip around school hadn’t stopped them from keeping on following him around, harassing him from morning to afternoon by going to his homeroom at breaks, sitting at a table near him at lunch, and going to see him at practice. Their group had dwindled down, though; most likely, some of them thought you two might be dating and had finally realized they didn’t stand a chance with the one and only Park Sunghoon. Thank God you had your friends and now sometimes Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul around you during those times, otherwise, you’d probably have been jumped. Spending so much time with him had kept you a couple times from your friends, which they’d complained about, but sensing that they couldn’t do much about it, they let you be, even though they hadn’t gotten a satisfactory explanation yet.

One person who didn’t want to, or rather couldn’t let it go, though, was Jay. He still couldn’t figure out why you’d started spending so much time with Sunghoon, seemingly overnight, and it created an unpleasant, sour pit in his stomach. Out of all the people you could’ve decided to form a new friendship with, why’d it have to be his best friend, meaning he saw you more often now than before, but not because he was the one you had come to see? Why did you never get him banana milk for lunch, and why’d you only start coming to soccer practice because Sunghoon had asked you to? He’d tried to ask both of you about it, but you always gave him half-assed excuses that didn’t make much sense. 

He realized what he was feeling was jealousy the day you came into their homeroom before the first bell rang and asked Sunghoon how his science project had gone. You’d never asked him how his science project, or any of his projects or tests, for that matter, had gone. He recognized it as the same feeling he had harbored when he had come back from the US in middle school and saw you dating Choi Soobin, or when Lee Heeseung had joined your tight-knit group of friends in freshman year. You and Soobin had only dated for three weeks and a half because you had a relationship-terminating argument over mint chocolate ice cream, and you and Heeseung had never become more than friends, nor had the intention to. But Jay didn’t care about that; all he saw was that there were boys around you that weren’t him. He had never acted upon those feelings, dismissing them as over-protectiveness for someone he had known since forever, but seeing Sunghoon and you laughing together hit too close to home. He couldn’t ignore how he felt because he was reminded of it everyday, but he didn’t know what to do with these newfound emotions.

And what’s the best thing to do whenever you don’t know what to do? Talk to your friends. Or well, in this case, your friend. He didn’t wanna talk about you to Sunghoon. He was a firm believer of bro code, but he didn’t wanna bottle up his feelings like he had all these years. So he went to Jake and told him everything, from your childhood friendship to Soobin, Heeseung and now Sunghoon.

“I know it’s stupid. It’s this whole cliché of, you only realize what you have when you lose it.”

“Well, you haven’t really lost Y/N, you know. It’s not like Sunghoon and her are dating.”

“I guess not, but he clearly likes her. It’d be a dick move to go after her now that they’ve got something going on.”

Jake hesitated for a second, debating whether he should say what he was thinking, but ultimately deciding it might be better to do it. “You know, I’m not sure that he does. You know what Sunghoon’s like. He’s never very honest about his intentions. I don’t wanna bring the subject up with him, cause I don’t wanna cause any drama, but it’s so suspicious to me that he’s suddenly spending time with Y/N when he’s never mentioned her all those years and when he rejects all these girls all the time.”

“I think it’s weird, too,” agreed Jay. “I just can’t seem to figure it out. And I’m a bit scared for Y/N, to be honest. Remember that girl in freshman year? They’d gotten along really well when he suddenly dropped her. I still remember his cold-ass stare when he turned her down. It even chilled me, man.”

“God, yeah, I always forget about that. He may be a jackass to all those girls, but when you know what he’s really like like we do, it seems so unlikely that he’d do something like that.”

Jay sighed and looked out into the distance. “I just hope he doesn’t hurt Y/N.”

Jake looked at his friend, thinking how to phrase his next sentence. “Like I said, I don’t wanna cause any drama… but, man, if you don’t want him to hurt Y/N, just don’t let him. If you make a move on her, you might get to her before he does. Better to do that now than to have to pick up the pieces, don’t you think?”

Jay mentally thanked the heavens for gifting him with a friend like Sim Jaeyun. “Yes, that is much, much better.”

He was going to stop sitting on his feelings and finally let them see the light.

—

But before that, Sunghoon had another one of his requests for you. You were sitting together in an empty classroom after school as you often did these past weeks. For you, today was an ordinary day, but the boy in front of you had something else in mind. He wasn’t saying anything but you could feel his nervousness and it was starting to make you feel anxious as well.

You lifted your head from your notes and looked at Sunghoon who seemed lost in his thoughts. “What is it, Sunghoon?”

This made him snap out of his reverie. “Um, nothing.”

“Well, seeing how you’ve been tapping your foot at the speed of lightning ever since we got here, it doesn’t seem like nothing.” You crossed your arms over the table and looked at him more intently, eyes asking him to tell you what was on his mind.

He sighed, giving in. “I was just thinking… there’s something I wanna tell you.”

“Go on. “

“I need you to date me.”

Your breath caught in your throat. Park Sunghoon… needed you… to date him? Was he asking you out? The way he’d worded it was a bit odd, but you didn’t put it past him.

Taking in your silence and wide eyes, he quickly added: “Not in that way! I, um, need you to be my fake girlfriend.”

Oh.

So he wasn’t asking you out. You weren’t sure why that made you so upset, but you tried to keep the disappointment out of your eyes and voice.

“Right,” you said, tone a bit harsher than you’d meant it to, “and why would I do that?”

Sunghoon smirked lightly. “Well, first of all, you don’t have much of a choice.” You rolled your eyes at that. It’d been a few days since the reason why you had started hanging out in the first place had come up, and you didn’t like to be reminded of that god-forsaken picture. 

“And second of all… I guess I should be completely honest with you.” This piqued your interest, and you leaned back on your chair to listen to him. 

“When I saw you at the store and took pictures of you, I wasn’t really thinking of doing anything. Maybe just get a laugh or two and tease you about it. I even told you outside the store that I didn’t know what I was gonna do. To be honest, I didn’t really think there was anything you could do for me that I’d need to force you to do. So I thought about it all night. And I asked myself, what’s the thing that pisses me off the most at school that you could change?” he looked at you expectantly, as if you could figure it out. You just shrugged.

“It’s those girls that keep following me around. All these years, I’ve acted like a giant asshole with them and still they think they have a crush on me or whatever. And I’ve never liked any of them, they’re all so superficial and ask me out without having ever talked to me before. So I thought, hey, maybe if I have a girlfriend, they’ll leave me alone. Which is why I made you do all those things for me.”

“So that they’d think we were dating?” you asked, trying to take all this information in. You’d sort of known it this entire time, but Sunghoon blatantly admitting he’d been using you hurt nonetheless.

“Yeah. But obviously, you always denied the rumors, so it hasn’t worked as well as I thought it would. It still did a bit though. So I think, if we take it the next step, and actually pretend we’re dating, it should really work. But I need your full cooperation on this, okay?” He looked at you, hopeful eyes and hands in prayer.

You sighed. As he said, it wasn’t like you had much of a choice.

“Please, Y/N? I really want them off my back.”

“Fine, Park, I’ll do it. But this better be the last thing you make me do.” You couldn’t help but sound cold. This made you rethink these past few weeks’ events. Were you the only one actually enjoying spending time together?

“Thanks, Y/N. And yeah, of course. You won’t have to carry my bag or get my lunch anymore if you want. Maybe it’ll be more believable if I do that for you.”

You had focused your attention back to your homework, wanting this conversation to be over as soon as possible.

“I’ll also pick you up in the morning, so you don’t need to take the bus.”

You hummed in response.

“Um, and I’ll also drop you off after school and after practice…” Sunghoon trailed, troubled by your silence. You hadn’t been so cold since the first couple times you two had talked, and he hated the idea that that might be because of what he had just said. So he took a chance.

“You know, Y/N, this doesn’t change anything. I wouldn’t have made you do all those things if I didn’t like spending time with you. You’re really nice to be around,” he admitted shyly.

You were far too flustered to lift your head and let him see your face. You just grinned and murmured, “Whatever, Park.”

—

Sunghoon kept his promise and picked you up in the morning. He called you at exactly 7:55 a.m., saying he was waiting outside and you rushed out of your house, piece of toast still in your mouth. In the car, you two went over what being in a fake relationship would involve.

“We just need to be seen around together, right?” you proposed, hoping your lack of experience wasn’t showing.

Thankfully, Sunghoon had no idea what being in a relationship, fake or not, entailed either. “Yeah, I think. And maybe…” he hesitated. 

“Maybe?” you prodded, hoping he wouldn’t (or actually would, but you’d never admit it) say what you thought he was about to say.

“I don’t know, like, hold hands, and… kiss.” The last part had barely been audible, but you’d still heard it.

“Kiss?” you echoed, voice almost a shriek. “I don’t think we need to go that far, Sunghoon.” A little voice in your head was saying that you’d really like to go that far but you made it shut up.

He was blushing profusely but didn’t want to drop the subject there. “At least on the cheek, or something. We do have to make it believable.”

And there it was. The little sentence, reminding you none of this was real. Seemed like that was a pattern in your life.

You looked out the window. Sunghoon glanced over at you, cursing himself for always saying the wrong thing. He was trying so hard to drown his blooming feelings for you that he kept on hurting you in the process. This whole fake-dating plan was the perfect excuse for him to spend more time with you without having to come to terms with his feelings. 

“C’mon, Y/N, it’ll be fun. Promise.” He nudged your arm playfully, making you look at him. His smile was contagious; you could never help yourself but start grinning when you saw his face light up like that. Maybe he’s right, you thought. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

When you arrived at school, Sunghoon told you to wait for a second. He got out of the car and quickly walked around to your side, opening the door for you. You hated how your heart fluttered at the sweet gesture, reminding yourself it was just for show. The important part was that it fooled everyone else, and it did - as you took Sunghoon’s hand, letting him help you out of the car, and walked with him hand in hand towards the school gates, you could feel all eyes on you. You could hear whispers of see, I told you they were dating! and defeated no ways. 

You realized you didn’t care about what anybody might be seeing, which was a first for you. You’d always made sure everybody saw you exactly the way you wanted to see them. As he was the most popular guy in school, dating Park Sunghoon at once helped your reputation and put you on many girls’ bad side. But holding his hand, you felt as though there was some kind of barrier protecting you. You’d never felt so exposed and so safe at the same time.

You noticed Jay standing next to the gates, looking particularly antsy. He’d texted you that morning, saying there was something he wanted to tell you. Usually, you’d have stayed up, overthinking what that could be, but what with today being the day you’d announce yourself to the world (your school) as Park Sunghoon’s (fake) girlfriend, you had had other things to worry about. You gestured at Sunghoon towards Jay. Your friend only saw you when you were calling his name, standing right in front of him.

“Oh, hi, Y/N! I-” 

He immediately cut himself off when he saw yours and Sunghoon’s interlaced fingers. Embarrassed, you took your hand out of your fake boyfriend’s, opting for holding onto his pinky instead, not realizing that it was a much cuter action that made one boy’s heart flutter and the other’s fill up with sadness.

“There was something you wanted to tell me?” you asked with a small smile.

“Uh- yeah, but it’s not important, actually. We can talk about it later.”

“Oh, you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” He returned your smile, hoping to make the situation less awkward. It was very obvious he didn’t want to say whatever it was he needed to tell you in front of Sunghoon, which you had both understood.

Sunghoon spoke up. “Right, well I’ll see you in class, Jay. Y/N, I’ll walk you to yours.” And with that, he started walking, holding his friend’s gaze for a few steps. You turned back to look at Jay for a split second, trying to decipher what had just happened, but Sunghoon grabbed you by the waist, making you look up at him in surprise, and breaking Jay’s heart even further.

—

Once Sunghoon and you got to your class, you felt as though you were in one of those movies where the boy drops the girl off at her house after their first date. Except that this was in a crowded school hallway two minutes before the first bell rang. What you had in common with that girl from the movie, however, was that you were freaking out over what your boy was going to do next. In the car, you’d ended up agreeing to a kiss on the cheek, but you hadn’t realized it would be happening so soon.

As you two hovered around your classroom’s door, you looked at each other and giggled. Damn, you were selling this well. So well that if you could have ascended out of your body and looked at the scene as a third party, you’d probably have barfed all over yourself. 

You were still holding his pinky. You could tell he was too hesitant to do anything now that you had reached the classroom, and so you mustered all of your courage, stood on your tippy toes and softly pressed your lips to his cheeks. (You were pretty sure you’d heard gasps around you.) Your courage went as fast as it came, and as realization hit you, you quickly squeaked “bye, Sunghoon” and practically ran to your seat. The boy stood there for another second or two, hand going to his cheek where you had just kissed him. He walked happily to his own classroom, completely oblivious to the stares he was receiving.

Heeseung, Jiung and Sieun were looking at you in disbelief as you approached them. Sumin, on the other hand, looked like she had paid no attention whatsoever to the scene.

“Y/N,” Sieun teased in a sing-song voice. “Care to explain what just happened?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve actually managed to make the oh-so-great Park Sunghoon fall for you?” Jiung asked jokingly. 

You looked down in an attempt to hide your grin. You usually did that sort of stuff to appear humble when someone complimented you, but this time it was completely genuine. The mere thought of Sunghoon made you all giddy inside. “Um, yeah, he actually asked me to be his girlfriend last night.”

Your three friends gasped dramatically and Sieun pulled you into a hug, as if you’d just received an award of some kind. Heeseung and Jiung patted your shoulders, congratulating you.

“Sumin? Did you know about this?” Sieun enquired, turning to your friend.

“What? Oh, yeah, Y/N called me last night,” she answered, briefly looking at you before turning back to her phone. Sieun looked at you, surprised, not understanding Sumin’s reaction to what seemed like happy news.

You had indeed called Sumin the previous night, and the call had gone similarly to the way she was behaving this morning. Although you usually told her everything, this time, you didn’t want to share the fact that you and Sunghoon were only fake dating. You found yourself actually wanting it to be true - and you thought it’d be easier to believe it yourself if everyone, including your best friend, did too.

“Minie! I’ve got some news,” you’d said as soon as she picked out.

“Ooh! Hit me,” she’d replied with as much excitement in her voice as you.

“So…” you’d started, already giggling. “Sunghoon’s just asked me out. I haven’t told anyone else, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

There was silence on the other end of the line. After a while, you added, “Minie, you still there?”

“Huh? Yeah, um, that’s nice, Y/N, I’m happy for you,” she said, not sounding happy at all. There was no trace of excitement left in her voice.

“Yeah, thanks,” you replied, voice ten times smaller than a minute ago.

“I’m sorry Y/N, but I’ve got to go, my parents are calling me. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She hung up suddenly, giving you no time to say bye in return. You were completely confused. Was Sumin bothered by you and Sunghoon dating? Other than a reminder about his past behavior, she hadn’t said anything when you two were getting closer. So what was wrong? You’d hoped you’d find out the next day at school, but the way she was acting didn’t help at all.

You snapped out of your flashback when Heeseung nudged you, faking a pout. “Not fair! Why did she get to know before we did?”

You forced a smile and said you’d known you’d see them the next day and thought it was better to tell them in person, and that you had just wanted to rant to someone quickly. Your teacher came in as the bell rang and everyone went to their seat. During class, you tried getting her attention so you could ask her if she was okay but she kept her attention on the teacher the whole time. 

After that, as time went by, you kept up your charade of being the perfect student as usual, adding to that of being the perfect girlfriend to Sunghoon. Time with him passed by so quickly: you hadn’t realized you were more than halfway through the semester until you needed to wear a thicker jacket outside and the leaves had started falling, covering school grounds in shades of brown. The plan had worked: he was finally left alone by his admirers. Sumin had stopped being weird after a few days, saying she had had some problems with her parents but hadn’t gone into more detail. Everything was as great as it had ever been: good grades, good friends and a good boyfriend. Well, fake boyfriend, which you needed to remind yourself a bit too often, on the days Sunghoon didn’t do it himself. You felt a pinch in your heart every time he said something like, “there’s my fake girlfriend!” when it was just the two of you, or “great job today, Y/N” after dropping you off.

One day as you arrived home, Yeeun was waiting outside your house, trying to catch you red-handed. She dragged him inside by the arm and you panicked, not wanting him to see how you lived. But your messy room and invasive siblings didn’t scare him off at all; on the contrary, he smiled one of the biggest smiles you’d ever seen on him, canines and dimples on display. Your mom made him stay over for dinner and it was probably the happiest dinner you’d ever had. The idea of bringing someone home and having them see your habits and odd family dynamics had terrified you for the longest time, but you felt so comfortable around Sunghoon that it felt as if he was part of your home as soon as he’d stepped foot inside. You didn’t feel the need to hide anything from him.

After dinner, he helped your parents clear up the table and even washed the dishes, even though they kept insisting he didn’t have to do anything. He had completely won them over. They sat at the table and watched you two laugh together in the kitchen. They looked at each other, knowing they were thinking the exact same thing: their daughter hadn’t looked this happy in a while.

When you were done cleaning up, you two headed to your room under the pretense of needing to study. 

“Alright, but keep the door open!” your mom had yelled after you, making you groan and Sunghoon’s face turn crimson red.

You really had planned on studying - there was a big test coming up and you couldn’t afford to get a bad grade. When you got your physics textbook out, Sunghoon groaned in protest.

“What? You seriously want to study right now?”

You sighed. “I don’t necessarily want to, no, but I need to. And so do you, may I add.”

“We’re not even in the same physics class!”

“Yeah, but we both have Mr. Cho, so I know you’re gonna have a test as well.”

He rolled his eyes and dramatically flung himself on your bed. “Fine.”

When he didn’t move for a few minutes, you guessed what he had meant was that he’d let you study but wasn’t going to do it himself. But after ten minutes, he suddenly got up. “I’m bored to death, Y/N. The test isn’t in another week. Show me what you do for fun,” he said, on the verge of desperation. It had only been ten minutes, but you felt bad having him over and not entertaining him.

“Well, I do have a Switch…” Sunghoon’s eyes widened in awe. “I guess we can play Mario Kart.”

He almost squealed in joy at that. You just chuckled at him, not knowing he was such a fan of car video games. 

“I’m gonna crush you, Kim. Get ready,” he said, already looking victorious.

You smirked, not wanting him to get his hopes up. “Oh, it’s on, Park.”

As expected of a pro player like you (on non-schooldays, you could stay up all night playing this game), you won every single round. Sure, he gave you a run for your money, but you always came on top. He took it surprisingly well, congratulating you each time. After your fourth win in a row, you wiggled your face in front of his with a devilish smile, as you couldn’t help but torment him a little. But he wasn’t smiling. At first, you’d thought he was finally getting mad he kept on losing; but then the proximity between you two hit you. You noticed his eyes flicker momentarily to your lips and had backed off immediately.

“Um, if we go for another round, I’ll go easy on-”

He cut you off by putting his hand on your cheek, making you turn to look at him. You’d daydreamed about this moment before, but you hadn’t imagined your heart beating this fast or the butterflies eating away at your stomach. He was now fully staring at your lips, and you couldn’t look at anything else but his either. Too scared to move an inch, you felt him get closer and closer, so close that his lips were almost on-

“Y/N, mom says it’s late and Sunghoon needs to- AH!”

Sunoo had walked in, eyes riveted on his phone until he looked up and saw you and Sunghoon suspiciously close to each other. Sunghoon practically leaped off of your bed in surprise and you flung a pillow over your face, not believing you had almost kissed Park Sunghoon but that your stupid little brother had ruined everything.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” the culprit squeaked before running away. You and Sunghoon looked at each other. It was awkward for two seconds, then you both erupted in laughter. 

“Alright, guess I should get going then. Um, thank you so much for tonight. I haven’t had a family dinner in a while, and… Well, it was really nice,” he admitted shyly after you’d calmed down.

“Of course, Sunghoon. I’m sure my parents would love to have you over any time.”

You walked him to your front door, where you exchanged goodbyes and I’ll see you tomorrows. You watched him take a few steps, then turn back and jog towards you. He stood in front of you for a second, then leaned down and placed a kiss on your forehead.

“Bye, Y/N.”

You were too stunned to say it back.

—

After the almost-kiss, it felt as though something had changed between you and Sunghoon. The event had somewhat revealed your feelings: you both knew you wanted to kiss each other. But since those feelings hadn’t been acted upon, the transition from fake-dating to real dating couldn’t happen as smoothly. Well, it could, if you two stopped acting like idiots and told each other how you felt. But the author wanted to get a couple more thousand words in, so it had to wait.

You’d gotten used to Sunghoon’s little requests at school, but you definitely hadn’t anticipated a phone call at past 11pm on a Wednesday night. 

“Sunghoon? Why are you calling me so late?” you asked, groggy voice because of sleep. Since you woke up so early to get ready in the morning, you always went to bed around 9:30 to 10 p.m. Sunghoon was making you lose precious minutes of slumber.

“Late? It’s barely midnight, Y/N.” You groaned. “Whatever, put on some clothes and come outside! I’m waiting for you.”

“You’re what?” you whisper-screamed, suddenly feeling very awake.

“I’m waiting for you! Hurry up!” 

As always, he hung up without waiting for your reply. You couldn’t really turn him down anyway; although you were somewhat obligated, you had stopped seeing it that way and started doing things for him out of your own volition. 

Not wanting to get out of your pajamas, you just threw on a warm sweater, a scarf, some socks, and headed down the hallway on your tiptoes. Your parents weren’t the strictest out there, but you still didn’t wanna get caught sneaking out, and with a boy, at that. After putting on your shoes, you left your house, closing the door behind you as quietly as you could.

The late October night was a bit chilly, but you had wrapped up warm enough. Sunghoon was indeed waiting for you outside, wearing a denim jacket over his gray sweatshirt and matching sweatpants. 

God, he looked good.

“Finally! Took you long enough.”

“Quit it, Sunghoon. Just tell me why you wanted to see me.”

“There’s a place I wanna show you. Come on,” he said, taking you by the hand. You felt tingles in your palm and fingers wherever his hand touched yours. How could something feel so natural yet make your heart race so at the same time?

“Are we walking there?” you asked.

“Yep, it’s not too far. We’ll be there in five minutes.”

Those five minutes felt like five seconds walking with Sunghoon. You chatted and joked around the whole way, not letting go of each other’s hand. You hadn’t even noticed you had reached your destination until he stopped walking.

“Here we are,” he said, facing the building, which made you turn in the direction he was looking.

“The ice rink? What are we doing here?” you asked, confused. It was 11:30 pm; surely, the rink would be closed.

“You’ll see!” he said, heading towards the entrance. To your surprise, he pulled out a key from his pockets and opened the doors.

“What? Sunghoon! How do you have a key to the ice rink?”

“I’m chummy with the janitor. I just need to let him know when I’ll be coming and he doesn’t tell anyone,” he replied, an easy smile on his face, as if this was the most normal thing in the world. He led you first to the shoe rack, helping you find skates your size, and then to the benches next to the rink’s entrance. He knelt in front of you and helped you put on your shoes, doing the laces for you. 

He looked up at you, a glint in his eyes. “I’ve never taken anyone here, Y/N. I know your secret, so I thought I’d show you mine.”

You didn’t know what to say, surprised at the sudden confession, so you just looked at him curiously as he took ice skates from his backpack and laced them up.

He stood up, turned to you and said, “Ready?”

You followed him to the doors leading to the ice. He stepped inside without a trace of hesitation, but you were much more doubtful about your ability to stand on the ice without falling instantly. He turned around and saw you looking helpless. He took your hand in his, helping you step onto the rink. 

“Don’t worry, Y/N. As long as I’ve got you, you won’t fall.”

“Don’t let go of my hand, then,” you said pointedly.

Too focused on not slipping, you didn’t see his smile. “I wasn’t planning to.”

He helped you get your footing, skating backwards in front of you and holding both of your hands. After a few minutes on the ice, you got brave enough to skate on your own, and you miraculously managed to stay on your feet. However, after a while, your bravery turned to hubris, and you dared attempt a spin, resulting in you miserably falling on the ice, butt first. Sunghoon was worried for a second until he saw you laughing uncontrollably. You looked at him, wide-eyed, and said, “This is so much fun, Hoon.” You were so exhilarated that you hadn’t noticed the nickname slipping from your lips but the boy’s cheeks and ears turned redder than the bruise you had surely just earned yourself. Thankfully, if you commented on it, he could just blame it on the cold. 

He helped you up, and you skated on as if nothing had happened. This went on for another thirty minutes, you skating hand in hand and occasionally falling together (but most of the time, just you falling on your own). Sunghoon had been so nervous before bringing you here; he was scared you’d think his hobby was unmanly or lame, as he’d been made to feel. But seeing you have the time of your life, all his worries dissipated. This place was like a second home to him, and bringing someone into your home was always nerve-wracking, but he thought you fit perfectly in it. 

When you told him you were getting tired and wanted to sit for a while, you skated back together to the benches and he gave you some water from his bag. You sat in silence for a while, waiting for your breathing to come back to a normal pace. 

You broke the silence first. “So, why’d you take me here? Not that I’m complaining.”

He hesitated a second before speaking. "I used to come here all the time as a kid.” He didn’t look at you when he answered, keeping his gaze on his hands. “My mom would take me. She left us for another man the summer before middle school started. She left me alone with my asshole father.”

You let out a small gasp, not expecting such a confession. You placed your hand on his back for comfort and said, “I’m sorry, Sunghoon.”

He quickly glanced at you, a half-smile on his face. “Don’t be. Anyways, he had to somewhat start taking care of me now that my mom wasn’t there to do it.” He chuckled darkly. “I guess his idea of taking care of his son was forbidding him from doing the one thing he loved. He thought it was a stupid sport for a boy. He stopped all of my lessons and made me sign up for soccer, even though I hadn’t ever said I wanted to do that. I still came here from time to time, but I didn’t wanna risk getting caught. God knows what he’d have done if he saw me here.”

You weren’t sure what to say. You felt as if no words would be enough to express how his story made you feel. “I- it’s awful, what he did to you. No parent should ever make their child feel as though their passion isn’t worth it. If it’s any comfort, even though you were mostly helping me, I thought you looked ten times better on that rink than scoring any goal. And that’s saying something.”

He finally looked at you and grinned. “Thanks, Y/N.” He seemed to be thinking for a few seconds, and then continued: “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I think that’s why it’s hard for me to open up to people and make lots of friends. I only trust Jake because I’ve known him forever and I can’t really get rid of him now,” he said with a chuckle, “and Jay, well, Jake took to him instantly in middle school so I guess I didn’t have a choice there either, and he’s not so bad anyway. The more people I let in, the more likely I am to get hurt. It’s much easier pretending I don’t wanna have anything to do with anyone than try. 

“I guess it’s also why I talked to you on that day. Sure, I ended up thinking you could help me with all those girls. But at first, when I saw someone like you, who looks like they have it all together, who’s actually the opposite in real life - no offense - it reminded me of myself. And I thought, maybe she’d understand. Which is why it was so easy to be myself around you.”

You took his hand in yours and pressed it slightly. “I’m glad you were.” You didn’t feel the need to say anything else, hoping it was enough.

“Now, your turn. What made you the person you are today?” he asked with a grin, trying to approach lightheartedly this heavy subject, which you appreciated.

“It’s all about making people think you’re someone else, isn’t it? Because, depending on who you are, they’ll treat you differently. I found that out as a kid, because I, too, have a tragic childhood backstory.” He gasped jokingly.

“It’s not as bad as yours, so sorry about that. Back in primary school, I already had this… attitude that I have today. I had quite the ego, and I didn’t want anyone doing better than me at school. I didn’t care about how I looked, if I was the prettiest girl in class or had the cutest shoes. I was the smarty-pants of the class, basically, and a lot of the kids teased me for that. But I also didn’t let myself get trampled over, and fought back, quite aggressively at that, so I was somehow the nerd and the troublemaker at the same time. I didn’t have the best reputation, but I did have a friend. Jay. Or Jongseong, at the time, before he got too cool for his real name,” you joked. “The thing is, I didn’t see him as a friend. Sure, I was only eight or nine, but I really liked him. And the day I was planning on confessing, I saw him hold hands with the prettiest girl in our class. So I never told him, and then he left for the US a few months later.

“During the time he was gone, I had a complete makeover and actually started caring about my appearance, especially when middle school started. So now I had academic validation from teachers, which I had craved since forever, and both female and male validation from all the girls telling me how pretty I was and all the guys liking me. The people who were in my primary school and went to the same middle school told them how I used to be, but nobody believed them, and if they did, they didn’t care, so everybody just gradually forgot about it. And I just got addicted to the validation, which is why I always studied harder and tried to be prettier, even when it turned into a complete lie. I thought that if I could make everyone believe I was perfect, then it didn’t matter what I was like in real life, so at home, I just let myself completely go. And even now that I’m aware of all of this, I still can’t stop.”

Sunghoon looked at you like you had just slapped him. “So, you used to have a crush on Jay?”

You looked at him in exasperation. “Seriously, Hoon? That’s what you get from everything I just told you?”

He smiled shyly. “Sorry. Thank you for telling me.” You sat there in comfortable silence for another few minutes, still hand in hand. Then, Sunghoon got up, grin on his face.

“Wanna see something cool?” You nodded at him, returning his grin. He headed back inside the rink.

You thought he was gonna show off by doing some fancy trick. But he started gliding on the ice, and you couldn’t believe what you were seeing. He took long strides that looked as natural to him as walking. He spinned one, two, three times, and continued skating as though it was nothing. You were completely mesmerized. You already thought he was out-of-this-world beautiful, but his beauty was brought to another level when he skated. His elegant moves rendered you breathless. When he skated back towards you, you were looking at him with only awe and admiration in your eyes. 

After what he’d told you and what he’d just shown you, you couldn't help but get a little emotional. You engulfed him in a hug as soon as he’d stepped out of the rink, your arms around his neck and his naturally coming to your waist. Your hands came up to his cheeks as you leaned back to properly look at him.

“That was- wow. That was amazing, Sunghoon. Thank you for showing me.” You could see the gratefulness in his eyes. There was something else there, and whatever it was, you knew you were looking back at him with as much of it. It was only you two in the building, but it might as well have been the two of you in the whole world. 

All too similarly as in your room, his gaze went from your eyes to your lips, and you couldn’t help but mirror that. This was the perfect moment. You inched your face closer, letting him close the gap between you. Your lips touched and it was as if everything fell into place. The kiss was shy at first, neither of you sure what to do, your mouths moving at a slow but steady pace. But as your hands traveled from his cheeks, to his jaw and down to his neck, and you felt him sigh in the kiss, something unclicked in you, making you want more. You deepened the kiss, and he returned it with just as much force. Your right hand came to grab at the nape of his hair and his hands gripped your waist tighter. After minutes or hours, you broke the kiss in need of some air. Your eyes met again and you smiled at him, relieved it had finally happened. 

You thought he’d have a similar reaction, but he suddenly looked panicked. Realization hit him like a truck. He liked you. Far too much. And even if the kiss and these past weeks told him you might like him back, it scared him. He’d unlocked his heart for you but couldn’t let you keep the key. Otherwise, he’d let you open it more and more and more until there he was completely bare in front of you, and you decided you didn’t like what you’d found and left him. Just like his mom did. Just like everyone eventually does. Just like his dad never even tried.

He took a step back. His panic was rubbing off on you. You called out his name, but he quickly got his bag and said, “Sorry, Y/N, I have to go. I’ll um- I’ll see you.” He took a few steps, turned around, and said, “I think you should take the bus tomorrow morning. Sorry.”

He started walking away. A few steps before he’d be out of your view, he turned back around. He hated the look on your face, how sad, confused and helpless it was all at once. Above all, he hated that he was the reason behind it. But he told himself it was better to leave you now than be left in a few months when you got bored of him, and started walking again without another word.

—

You walked home alone. It was a dark November night, and you were shivering from the cold and from sadness. Try as hard as you might, you couldn’t figure out why Sunghoon had reacted like that. The past month had gone so well, you were only getting closer and more comfortable with each other. The only logical conclusion you could come to was that kissing you had made him realize he didn’t like you. Thankfully, you didn’t live too far from the ice rink and you got home in five minutes. Lost in your thoughts, you couldn’t even be bothered to be quiet closing the front door and walking to your room, and you woke Sunoo up.

At first, he looked like he was about to scold you for making so much noise; but upon seeing your disheveled state, he started worrying. 

“Y/N? What’s wrong, why are you only coming home now? Where were you?”

You couldn’t hold it in any longer. You fell in your brother’s arms and started crying your heart out.

He held you for a little while, but not wanting to wake the others up by staying in the hallway, he said, “Come on, let’s get you in your room. You’re freezing.”

He left for a few minutes and came back with two cups of tea in his hands. He joined you on your bed. You had calmed down a bit and took a sip of the tea, already feeling warmer.

“So, tell me everything.”

And you did. Not just about what had happened at the ice rink, but everything before that: how yours and Sunghoon’s relationship was fake, which you hadn’t even told your siblings, but that it hadn’t kept you from falling for him, and how you really thought he felt the same way. When you got to the part where you told each other about your stories, Sunoo grabbed your arm in surprise, and said, “I can’t believe you told someone about that. Good for you, big sis.”

You sat in silence after a few minutes when you’d finished telling him everything, you, still reflecting on your evening, and him, trying to think of something good to say. He took a deep breath, and started: “You know, this might be completely useless, but I feel like there’s no point trying to figure out why he did that. We’re not mind readers, and assuming things will just go wrong. I think the best thing to do is just ask him tomorrow, or whenever you’re ready to face him, really.”

You looked at your brother fondly. “How can you be so stupid sometimes, yet so wise right now?”

Sunoo and you talked for another minute, but when you yawned for a good seven straight seconds, you both agreed it was time for bed. Before you fell asleep, you told yourself that tomorrow morning, you’d find Sunghoon and make him be clear with you. You at least deserved that.

—

Heeseung and Sumin were clearly surprised to see you the next morning in the bus, but you told them you didn’t want to talk about it and they didn’t push, although it very obviously had something to do with Sunghoon. As you rode the bus and psyched yourself for your conversation with him, you had no idea he was currently in the midst of a heated argument with Jay. The latter pushed him with force, making Sunghoon’s back hit the classroom wall behind him.

“What the fuck did you just say about Y/N?” Jay asked, venom in his voice and fury in his eyes.

Despite the pain, Sunghoon smirked, wanting to rile up his friend even more. “I said, Y/N’s just as stupid as all the other girls. She probably thinks she’s so much better than everybody, but in the end it was so easy making her fall for me. It was almost boring, really, how easy she was.”

Jay pushed him again. “Don’t fucking talk about her like that.”

“Aw, little Jay is getting upset over his little Y/N? You sad that the girl you like actually likes an asshole like me?”

Jay hadn’t had many reasons to get angry in his life. This was making him discover another side of himself; he didn’t know he could get this angry. He didn’t know rage could fill up his veins like that and make him want to destroy absolutely everything around him, but above all, the person in front of him who’d he considered a friend all these years. On the verge of losing control, he reared up his fist, before Sunghoon said:

“You know what’s even sadder? She used to like you, too.”

His arm dropped. “What?”

“Yeah, in primary school. Didn’t you think it was weird how different she was before and after you left? Her little heartbreak made her change everything about herself just so that people would like her. And now all she can do is lie to everyone. I pity her, really. And to think that she thought I liked her. What an idiot.”

That was the last straw. Jay punched Sunghoon square in the nose, making him stumble back a few steps until he hit the wall again. He held onto his bloody, and possibly broken, nose and looked Jay straight in the eyes, still smirking. Thinking his job was done (but not sure what the job was in the first place), he walked away, heading to the nurses’ station. The scene had gathered quite an audience outside. It was less than ten minutes to the first bell, so already quite a few students were there, but no one had dared to venture inside. Jake, arriving too late to prevent any damage, looked wide-eyed back and forth between Sunghoon walking out and Jay standing inside, fists clenched by his side and panting from anger.

Sunghoon barely spared him or anyone a glance as he left the room. What he did notice though, were a crumpled tuna-mayo sandwich and a banana milk on the floor, looking as though someone had dropped them.

What had he done?

—

You had already run back to your friends and were currently crying for the second time in twelve hours in Sumin’s arms. It was the first time ever you cried at school, and probably also in front of your friends, spare Sumin, so it was a curious sight to most; she took you to another room for privacy. 

There, you practically told her everything you had told Sunoo the night before, including the fake dating.

“Wait… so, you and Sunghoon weren’t actually dating?”

You nodded, embarrassed by your lie.

“I- Why didn’t you tell me, Y/N? How could you fool everyone like that?”

You looked up in surprise at your friend’s harsh words. You probably deserved them, but you weren’t used to hearing her speak in such a way, nor to the cold stare she was peering down at you with. 

“I don’t know… I’m really sorry…” you mumbled, ashamed.

She scoffed. “You should be. I just- I just don’t understand how you can already be living such a lie, and still add onto it. It makes me wonder how I’m still friends with you.” The bell rang right at that moment, and she got up, saying, “Let’s go to class. You wouldn’t wanna be late.”

You followed her, but you felt sick to your stomach. Usually, you could always hide your discomfort or sadness, no matter how bad your period cramps were or how serious an argument with your parents had gotten. But this time, it was too much, and fifteen minutes into the class, you asked the teacher to go to the nurse. Not used to you needing to leave class and trusting that it was for a legitimate reason, your teacher let you off and you quickly packed your bag and left. 

When you got to the nurse, you sat down in front of her and said you weren’t feeling well and wanted to go home. For the same reasons as your teacher, she said she’d let you but needed to ask you a few questions before about your general well-being. You answered them quickly, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible and just go home. 

When you finally were able to leave, you only took a few steps out of the nurse’s office before someone grabbed your wrist, making you turn around. Sunghoon, who was resting in the room next door, had heard your voice and gotten up as soon as he’d heard you leave. His nose was covered in bandages and his eye had started swelling and turning blue, and you mentally thanked Jay. You ripped your arm out of his grip and continued to walk away without a word. You were too tired to argue.

“Y/N, please, hear me out.”

This made you stop in your tracks, but you didn’t turn around. “Hear you out? I’ve already heard enough, Sunghoon. No need to explain, you made it very clear what you think of me.”

You started walking again but he doubled you and blocked your path in the narrow hallway. 

“Y/N, I’m sorry, if you’d just give me a minute-”

“I don’t care that you’re sorry, Sunghoon! Sorry doesn’t cut it. I trusted you. Actually trusted you. You out of all people should know how hard it is to do that. Or was that a lie too?” Seeing him in front of you, your sadness retreated to the back of your heart and you were left with only anger. 

“It wasn’t, I prom-”

“That doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.” You pushed past him and walked on. And this time, he let you go, even though the only thing you wanted him to do was make you stay. You so desperately wanted to hear him out and forgive him, but you knew you couldn’t do that. You had too much dignity, and it would only end up hurting you even further. 

So you didn’t shed a tear the whole way home. When you finally got to your bed, you didn’t have the energy to start crying. You fell asleep, tears quietly rolling down your face. 

—

You slept the whole day, waking up to a soft knock on your bedroom door. It was your mom, telling you Jay was here to see you. Everyone had been surprised to see you already at home when they came back from work or school, but they knew better than to wake you up.

“I’m surprised, you know. He’s gotten so handsome.”

You rolled your eyes at her. “Just tell him that I’m not feeling well and he should go home, please.”

“Oh, I’ve already tried to, honey. The boy is adamant on seeing you.”

You sighed. “Fine. Can you bring him here, then?”

A few seconds later, you heard another knock, and Jay opened the door just enough to peek his head through, asking if he could come in.

“Well, you’re already here, so might as well.”

You sat up and gestured for him to sit down on your bed.

He looked around, taking in the messiness of his surroundings. “You know, I thought your room would be much more… organized.”

“Didn’t Sunghoon tell you? I’m a big, fat liar who hides the truth from everyone,” you said sarcastically.

“About that… did you hear everything he said?” You hummed in response. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that, Y/N. I don’t know what happened to him. He’d never said anything like that about you, and then, all of a sudden… What an asshole. I can’t believe he was my friend.”

“Was? You shouldn’t end your friendship over me, Jay.”

“Are you kidding me? I can’t be friends with a guy who talks about anyone like that, let alone you.” After a few minutes of silence, he asked, “Did um- did anything happen, for him to say those things?”

You sighed deeply. “I’ve already told this story twice in the past few days, so I’ll give you the short version, but basically, we were fake dating, and I started really liking him, and I thought he did too, until we kissed, and he left me completely stranded, and then the next day I hear him say all those things.”

Silence again. You suddenly remembered something Sunghoon had said that you had completely put to the side: Jay likes you. At least, according to Sunghoon. You didn’t know if it was true, but judging by his disappointed face, it looked like it. Seemed like all of your friendships were going to hell.

“Oh,” he simply said.

“Yeah…” you murmured back. 

“Well,” he turned to you, “that just confirms to me that he’s an asshole. Cause no guy in his right mind would turn you down, Y/N. I know I wouldn’t.”

He looked straight at you as he said that. Yep. Jay liked you. It was a nice feeling, but it was also about ten years too late. 

“Do you- do you know what I’m trying to say, Y/N?” he asked, gulping.

You hesitated for a second before saying, ”I think I do, Jay. I have to say, your timing isn’t great.”

He chuckled a bit lifelessly. “Yeah, I guess right now isn’t the best time to say this.”

“I also meant, you know what Sunghoon said, earlier? That I liked you before you left for the US? That was true.”

He looked at you, mouth agape. “Oh, was it…” His head hung down in defeat. “I can’t believe I’ve been such an idiot. I feel like it’s my fault that Sunghoon hurt you like this. If only I’d been just a bit earlier…”

“None of this is your fault, Jay. Please don’t think that. It’s mine for thinking Sunghoon could actually like me back.”

Jay took a deep breath. “God, as much as it hurts me to say, Y/N, I think he did. Or does, actually.” You furrowed your brows at him. “Sunghoon, he has this thing where he goes into retreat mode as soon as he gets too close, too personal. It’s a stupid defense mechanism, and when he realizes he’s let you in a bit too far, he snaps everything closed and hurts you before you can hurt him. At least, that’s how he sees it, I guess. He’s done it to Jake and me a couple times, and it takes some getting used to, but he stops after a while. When he knows for sure that you won’t hurt him.”

You didn’t know what to do with this information, so you just stayed quiet, which Jay took as a sign to go on.

“I’m not saying forgive him. Believe me, if I could smack him into space and never let him see you again, I would. But I think maybe, just maybe, and you don’t have to if you don’t want to, hear him out.”

You smiled at him. “You’re a good friend, Jay. And I don’t mean just to me but to Sunghoon as well. I hope you know that.”

Jay tried to ignore the pinch in his heart at the word ‘friend’ and smiled back.

“Oh, there’s another thing I needed to show you.” His tone was suddenly much more apprehensive, and he looked both sorry and scared to say whatever he was about to say.

He pulled out his phone and searched the thing in question. Before showing you anything, he warned, “Nobody knows who did this. It was sent out to the whole school on a library computer-”

Expecting the worst, you snatched Jay’s phone from his hands. And there they were. Pictures of you from your primary school years, recent pictures of you in your comfortable clothes, at home or in close proximity to your house. Sent out to the whole school, as Jay had said. You were horror-struck. You could feel all the years you had spent perfecting your image and maintaining it crumbling around you as though they were paper. Charismatic smiles and trendy accessories had been your brick and mortar, but a sledgehammer had hit them, destroying your foundations further with each swing.

And that sledgehammer had a name: Bae Sumin. You’d figured it out in an instant. You’d been friends your whole life, she was the only one apart from your family to know about your true face; only she would have access to such photos. You knew it wasn’t Sunghoon because the pictures he had taken that day weren’t there.

If what had happened with Sunghoon had made a crack in your heart, then this had shattered it into a million pieces. The person who you’d trusted the most, who you’d thought would never do anything to hurt you, had done the worst thing anybody could do to you.

“Y/N- are you okay?” Jay asked tentatively. You had forgotten he was there.

“Um, yeah, yeah- I think I just need to be alone for now, if that’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind staying a while.”

“Sorry, Jay, but I’m sure.”

He looked at you for a few seconds. He’d never felt more distance between you two, not even when you had been oceans apart. “Alright. Call me if you need anything. I mean it.”

You smiled a tiny, tiny smile in response and he left your room. On his way out, your mom hugged him, saying it was nice to see him again and that he was welcome anytime, and he thanked her.

As he walked home, he couldn’t help but bitterly laugh to himself. Even when he confessed, he hadn’t been able to say the words he’d wanted to tell you this whole time: I love you.

—

You didn’t go to school for the rest of the week, the only stain on your perfect attendance record. All of your friends had tried to reach you, asking if you were okay, and you replied in a few small messages, telling them you’d be back when you could. Other people had contacted you, asking if those pictures were real. You obsessed over your school’s gossip Instagram account: the past few days, all the posts had been dedicated to your pictures and Sunghoon’s and Jay’s fight. You had ten missed calls from Sunghoon and seventeen from Sumin. You ignored each and everyone of them, only giving Jay, Heeseung, Sieun and Jiung the time of day. 

On Sunday morning you woke up, already dreading going to school the next day. You could already picture the nasty stares and whispers you’d get in the hallways. You thought about facing Sumin and Sunghoon again, and you thought the worst thing possible would be to have to do it at school. So you decided to wait until they called you again, as you knew they would, and finally picked up their call.

Sumin contacted you first, at eleven in the morning. You agreed to have her come over to your house to talk. When she appeared at your front door, you realized you weren’t sad, angry, or disappointed; you were just confused. You didn’t understand why she’d done it. Looking at her face, you couldn’t imagine her sitting down at that computer and sending out those pictures, writing the comment This is what Kim Y/N is like in real life.

You let her in and walked to your room, your siblings’ eyes burning holes into her soul the whole time. You sat down on your bed, sighed, and said, “Go ahead.”

“Thank you for letting me come here and explain myself. I don’t know what took over me, Y/N. Well actually, I guess I do. Jealousy, as stupid as it sounds.” She chuckled at herself. “I’ve always tried to hide it, but I’ve always been a bit jealous of you, Y/N. You’re the prettiest girl, the smartest, the nicest, and I’m just the best friend. That’s all anyone knows me as. Everybody loves you, yet I know it’s all a facade. And I’m not saying that to be mean, because I know you’re an amazing person even without all the glamor. And when I saw you with Sunghoon, I mean, you saw how I was. I didn't fight with my parents. I was so, so jealous. You hadn’t shown interest in any guy since Choi Soobin and all of a sudden you were dating Park freaking Sunghoon, and he knew about your quote-on-quote ‘real’ face, so I couldn’t even comfort myself that he didn’t know who you really were.”

“Wait- why would you be jealous of Sunghoon and me?”

She took a deep breath. “You remember, freshman year, when I confessed to him and he turned me down?”

“Yeah, but I thought that was in the past.”

“Do you also remember that guy I told you about later on, who I’d gotten really close with but completely shut me off when I thought we were about to start dating?”

Something clicked, but you didn’t want to face it. “Yeah…”

“Well, surprise surprise, they were the same person. Ha. I got mad at you for lying to me, but I did the same thing.”

“Sumin… Why did you never tell me?”

“I’m not sure. When we were in that talking stage, I could’ve bragged about it to anyone, you know, that Park Sunghoon was actually being nice to me, but I didn’t. I wanted to keep him my little secret. And then I confessed, and we all know how that ended.” A beat passes as she takes a deep breath, shaking the bad memory away. “I am over it, it was more than three years ago. Maybe there was a nice part of me that thought he had changed, because you seemed happy with him, and I didn’t want to ruin that. But maybe there was another part that hoped he might hurt you like he did me. And that’s such a shitty thing to do, I know. I should’ve told you when I saw you get involved with him. I can’t believe after all these years, he did the exact same thing to you that he did to me. What an asshole.”

You were staring at the wall in front of you, feeling empty. Why did everything have to happen at the same time? You were just drained of any willpower.

“This doesn’t explain the pictures,” you said plainly.

“Right. When you told me you were fake dating, I guess something snapped in me. I couldn’t believe it was another lie, I thought we had gone past the stage where you hid things from me. So that, plus jealousy, I just went a bit crazy, I think. I really wasn’t thinking, Y/N, and I promise you with all my heart that if I could go back and undo everything, I would. I’m so, so, so sorry. I regretted it as soon as I hit post.”

You looked at your friend and knew she was telling the truth. You believed her, and yet you couldn’t quite look past it.

“I know you are, Minie. It’s just… what am I gonna do now at school? Everybody must hate me.”

“I won’t lie, some people haven’t been saying the nicest things, especially Park’s fangirls. But God, Y/N, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but who cares? They’ll talk about it for a week, two at most. Your life at school won’t be the same, but you’ll still have all of us. I’ve talked to Heeseung, Sieun and Jiung, and they’re not the tiniest bit mad at you. They’re just worried to death. A bit confused too, but mostly worried. And you know what? Even Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul, who I’ve literally never talked to before, came to ask me how you were. Jay and Sunghoon are barely on talking terms but they always team up when it comes to practically verbally assaulting anyone they overhear talking behind your back. Jake has to hold them back sometimes but he always glares at those people too. You don’t wanna see Jake Sim glare, I promise you. It’s so scary,” she says in a confessional tone, visibly shuddering just at the thought of angel-faced Jake looking angry, and you can’t help the small chuckle that escapes your lips.

Her face softens as she places a warm palm over your hand. “We all love you and care for you so much, so screw literally every single other person in that school. They don’t matter.”

There was something refreshing about Sumin’s words. The idea that you could live your life without worrying about other people had always been in the back of your head, but you always told yourself you were in too deep to go back. Now that you had been forced to, you understood why you felt so empty: the immense weight of having to keep up a persona, had been lifted off your shoulders. You would only have to carry yourself, and not a second person, which made you feel weightless. You’d just have to get used to it and come to enjoy that feeling.

You took your friend’s hands in yours. “I want to forgive you, I promise I do. And I will. I just don’t know if I can do that right away. I’ll need some getting used to this new life.”

“I completely understand, Y/N.”

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you around anymore. And you know what, I’m sure one day I’ll look back at this moment and thank you.”

—

Sumin left a few hours later and you were now waiting for Sunghoon to call you. You waited and waited, until your phone rang with a small ding: he wasn’t calling you, but had sent you a message. A very, very long message. You were very tempted to reply with a I ain’t reading all that. I’m happy for u tho. Or sorry that happened, but you thought it might not be the appropriate moment. 

You opened the message, which had come after thirty unread texts, and started reading, slightly appalled by the lack of paragraphing.

Dear Y/N, 

Is this how you start a long text? I would much rather be telling you this than writing it, but someone hasn’t been picking up my calls. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t be giving you much attitude right now. Where do I even start? The ice rink, I guess. Asshole move #1, obviously. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that. That kiss was really really good and I really really liked it. Because I really really like you. And I think I’ve known that for a while now, but the kiss confirmed it. And I was happy for a second, but then I panicked. There’s no other word for it, I panicked. I’ve never liked someone this much before and I was so scared. I still am. I’m terrified shitless. But I know that my fear is completely irrational, and that you’re literally the best person on Earth, which is why I’m writing this. I know it’s cliché to say my mom left me and now I think everybody will. And my first reaction to that is to hurt someone before they can hurt me, which is what I did. But as much as I wanna fight it, it’s always there at the back of my mind. You can even ask Sumin about it. Should I be saying that? I feel like I might as well. I was an asshole to her, and I’m so angry at myself that I did it again with you. I didn’t mean a single word of what I said about you to Jay. Not a single one. You’re not stupid, you’re the smartest and most amazing girl I know, and I never pretended I liked you, because I never had to. I think I just wanted Jay to punch me, really. I wanted him to run to you and make sure you were okay, because I was too scared to do that myself. But I regret doing that so much. I hope you know that. And bless Jay, he’s a real one. He told me to get my shit together and talk to you. I can tell he’s still mad at me but still wants to make things good between us. I was already trying to call you before he said that, but I probably would’ve said something stupid that would’ve made things worse. And I can’t afford that, Y/N, I really, really can’t. You get me like no one does and being with you is the most liberating thing ever, I’m never myself more than when I’m around you. You just bring out the best in me. Well, except for that thing I did. Which I promise I’ll never do again. I am so extremely sorry, and if you wanna hate me for the rest of your life, I completely get it. But I would also be very happy if you didn’t. I hope I’ll see you tomorrow at school. I really miss you.

Your Hoon

You wiped away the tears that had formed in your eyes and typed back:

You’re such an idiot, Park.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

—

The next day, as you imagined, was mostly hell. You’d decided not to dress up as usual: there was no point trying to look good after this, it would only make you seem more ridiculous. You put less makeup on, not bothering to hide your eye bags, and didn’t bling your outfit up with accessories or fancy shoes, opting for your worn-out Converse you’d had since your feet stopped growing. On the bus, where people usually ignored each other, you could already feel the gossip being told about you. You avoided people’s gaze like the plague and sat down next to Sumin. You laid your head on her shoulder and sighed.

“I already wanna go home.”

She laughed, “I know. We’ll be with you the whole day, so don’t worry.”

You spent the bus ride catching up on what had happened when you were gone (nothing much), and although there was some awkwardness there, it was nice being with your best friend. When Heeseung got on, he practically screamed your name and suffocated you by means of greeting.

“I’m so glad you’re back. You know, I think you look really cute in those pictures. All these people are just jealous they don’t look as good as you even when you don’t dress up.”

Sumin shot daggers with her eyes at him and he cringed, saying, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned that.”

You reassured him, saying that it was fine since it was all you were going to be hearing the next few days. “Might as well get used to it.”

It was somewhat easy to ignore the stares coming your way when you walked into school with Heeseung and Sumin flanked at your sides like bodyguards. When you reached your classroom, Jiung engulfed you in a hug and Sieun was almost crying. How the hell had you gotten such sweet friends? 

In the hallways, some people tried to get reactions out of you by calling you out, yelling liar! or you can’t fool us anymore. You couldn’t ignore them as they were very much in your face. When at lunch, a table of girls next to you was very clearly talking about you in the nastiest way possible, you took your tray and were ready to get up and leave, but a very familiar voice stopped you in your tracks.

“You think it’s funny talking about someone like that?” Sunghoon was practically screaming at the girls. “You think you’re any better than her? I bet you do the exact same thing but are just glad someone else got called out for it.” You weren’t sure if that made you feel much better, but you appreciated the effort.

“As a matter of fact,” he continued as he pulled out a chair and got up on it, his voice getting louder, “I’ve got something I wanna say to everyone.”

Somebody whooped (probably Jake) and you tried to get Sunghoon to come down from the chair, but he just smiled his radiant smile at you and turned to look at the students in the cafeteria.

“All of you who judge Y/N are hypocrites. You wanna tell me you’re all as perfect at home as you are at school? That you never relax a little bit? Sure, she pushed it a bit far- (hey! you grunted in protest), but nobody shows who they truly are to everyone. We all judge each other in this stupid high school, so Y/N did what she had to do and protected herself. If anything, this should make you respect her even more. And it’s not like she did anything wrong to you. She didn’t use her popularity against anyone, so you better not use this against her.”

From the crowded tables in the cafeteria, somebody yelled “Nobody cares!”

Somebody, whose voice you thought you recognized as Jungwon’s, joined in: “Yeah, what is it about you seniors and thinking the whole school revolves around you? We still like Y/N!”

Sunghoon, taken aback, simply said, “Oh. Alright. Well, you better keep it that way then!” and got off his chair. 

He turned to you, already a pleading look on his face and said “Y/N, I’m so sorry-”

But you cut him off right away. “I know, Sunghoon, I know. I think this proved it.”

“I really wanna make it up to you. So just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it. Buy you a house, move to another country, you name it. I’ll do it.”

You chuckled at him. “You don’t need to go that far.” You looked down, then back at him. “I think I just want to pretend like nothing happened. Like it was all a huge, awful fever dream. Even if I can’t forgive and forget right away, I don’t think I want you out of my life while I figure it out.”

He let out the biggest sigh you’d ever heard. “My God, you don’t know how happy to hear that, Y/N. Thank you so much.”

“Thank you for defending me just now. That was… definitely something.”

He smiled down at you. "I did my best. Too bad those sophomores ruined everything.”

You could feel eyes burning into your sides, so you turned your head a bit and noticed that your friends and the table of girls that had just been gossiping were staring at you, some of them teary-eyed. When they saw you notice them, they all turned back to each other and pretended that they were having some other conversation. You and Sunghoon chuckled, and you realized how much you had missed him.

Yes, Sunghoon and Sumin had hurt you, but you were a strong believer of second chances. Even if it was hard at first to stop thinking about Sunghoon’s voice when he had said those things or Sumin’s intentions when she posted the pictures, they’d made it up to you in any way they could and you’d reciprocated that by being completely honest. No more trying to look perfect all the time; you were human and were allowed to have low moments. Your grades even dropped by two points, because you’d started spending more time with your friends than with your textbooks. You’d spent whole Saturdays at the ice rink with your now real-boyfriend Sunghoon, and had invited the whole crew. Heeseung was surprisingly good at it. You had even caught your little sister Yeeun on a date with the cute Japanese boy she’d talked about. 

As promised, Jay came once a week or every two weeks to have dinner with your family; Sunghoon always insisted on being present. The tension between them had turned into friendly competition, and you could tell the two friends were glad to have each other back. 

You’d never felt so free. Your relationship with Sunghoon felt like uncharted territory and home at the same time; so daunting and exciting yet so comfortable and relaxing. You kept the PDA at a minimum at school, but when it was just the two of you, your whole body never failed to heat up, even in the cold of the ice rink. He had been nicknamed the ice prince, but he was so, so warm.

In the end, everybody found out. But you had Park Sunghoon by your side, so it was alright.

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[nadvs]

push and pull (part one)

pairing twin!rafe x female reader x twin!zach

summary life felt complicated enough when you started falling for zach. then you meet rafe. he’s the complete opposite of his twin brother, but he captures your attention just the same.

author’s note finally wrote the zach/rafe twin au!! i won’t be making this a series but it was so fun to write as a one-shot (that had to turn into a two-shot because i ran out of post space lol)

tags college au set in the obx universe. mutual pining. angst. love triangle. miscommunication. no smut. rafe endgame (s2 bangs supremacy) (sorry to my zach girlies)

content warnings alcohol use, mental illness, mentions of parental abandonment

» intro post

» masterlist

Everyone can tell the Cameron twins apart by their hair.

Zach’s is short and unkept, always looking like he just ran off the soccer field, while Rafe keeps his a little longer, soft strands hanging over his forehead, every edge neat and clean.

From the moment you first see them together, you can tell that the two couldn’t be more different. And you don’t need to rely on any tricks like looking at their hair to know who’s who.

It’s their eyes that give them away. While they’re the same captivating shade of blue, Zach has a sense of hope in his eyes that Rafe doesn’t.

────୨ৎ────

Your father has been coaching your college’s men’s soccer team for most of his career. When the directors of the athletic department kept pestering him about the team needing a social media presence for the school’s PR, he asked you if you’d be interested.

As a freshman, the part-time job seemed like a fun way to get to know people, so you accepted the position and made a TikTok account for the team.

Since the start of the season, of all the soccer players, Zach has been the most welcoming. He goes along with whatever you need for work, humoring you when you hold up your phone and ask him trending questions for videos, like what his lockscreen is or what superstitions he follows before a game.

As time went on, you felt yourself gravitating more and more towards him, watching him in awe whenever you came by the field during practices and games.

Eventually, he started inviting you to the close-knit team’s hangouts. You quickly and seamlessly joined the friend group within a few weeks.

Before you knew it, you had a serious crush on him. He’s handsome and funny and a total sweetheart. What makes it so complicated is that you can’t read him at all.

He’s nice to you, but he’s nice to everyone. Maybe your feelings are unrequited, but you hold onto hope that he looks at you the same way you look at him.

It’s a Friday night when you visit Zach’s place for the first time. You’re sitting in the living room with a few of his teammates and their girlfriends, your empty takeout containers scattered over the coffee table, the sound of the autumn wind rushing past the windows reduced to a whisper beneath your loud conversation.

Zach had already told you he had a twin brother that he lived with in a loft off-campus, but when you rest your eyes on Rafe for the first time as he comes through the front door, it’s surprisingly jarring to see someone identical to Zach.

The chatter continues around you as you watch Rafe toss his keys onto the end table, drop a duffle bag, and silently walk into the open-concept kitchen. He swings open the fridge, keeping his head down.

His hair is damp, sweat glistening on his skin. His shirt is plastered to his torso, the planes of his muscles angular and sharp, not leaving much to the imagination.

“You haven’t met my less handsome brother yet,” Zach jokes to you. He points to Rafe, then to you, introducing you to each other.

“Hi,” you say kindly.

When Rafe meets your gaze, he stills for a moment, eyes almost imperceptibly widening. A couple seconds of silence pass.

“Hey,” he finally offers with a quick, tense nod.

“How was your workout?” Zach asks.

Rafe pulls a protein shake out of the fridge and swings the door closed.

“It’s so fucking busy in that gym,” Rafe replies, stepping away. He turns the corner and paces up the stairs towards his bedroom.

He and his brother have always lived in different worlds. They host parties sometimes, but that’s usually as close as their social circles overlap.

Right now, though, it’s like his aching muscles are willing him to turn around and keep talking to the pretty girl sitting in his living room. But while he’s never been good at ignoring his impulses, he’s not about to flirt with his brother’s guest, knowing how much it bothers him.

Before Rafe reaches his bedroom to get ready for a shower, he hears Zach come upstairs to stop him in the hallway.

“I’ll make sure they’re out by nine,” he says quietly. “That cool?”

Zach has always enjoyed having people over and surrounding himself with friends. But he’s aware of how much it annoys his moody brother when he just wants to chill at home. Despite how much Rafe parties and hooks up, when he wants quiet, he wants quiet.

Because Zach naturally wants to keep the peace, when they moved out of Tannyhill, he set ground rules. One of them is that they’ll check in with each other to make sure they don’t let guests overstay.

Rafe looks at his watch to see it’s nearly eight and says, “Sure. Whatever. I’m having a girl over later anyway.”

As soon as Zach left the living room, you heard one of the other soccer players, Chance, quietly make a joke about how that was the most words he’s ever heard Rafe say.

It makes Rafe all the more intriguing to you. Everyone here has some sort of history with him, albeit small and meaningless. But you’re still fairly new to the friend group. You know nothing about Rafe. For some reason, you want that to change.

Zach’s eyes meet yours when he comes back into the living room.

“Still a warm and fuzzy guy, isn’t he?” Chance says.

“Like always,” Zach quips with a shrug. And that’s that. Nobody brings up Rafe for the rest of the night.

When the hangout comes to an end about an hour later, Zach trails you all out through the front door. You bump into a girl you recognize from one of your classes.

“Hey,” she says. “I know you.”

“Hi,” you say with a laugh, holding the door open for her when you realize she’s coming into the loft.

Rafe appears behind Zach and by the way his eyes hungrily travel down her body, you quickly surmise she’s here for him.

And for some reason, it stings that she’s physically the complete opposite of you. If that’s Rafe’s type, you definitely don’t measure up.

You’re not sure why your mind is running away from you so fast. Why do you care about Rafe’s type? It’s his brother you’ve been pining over for the last month.

“How’d you do on that quiz?” she asks you.

“The grades are already up?” you reply.

“On time for once,” she laughs.

“Let’s go,” Rafe mumbles to her, his hand finding the small of her back.

You know it isn’t personal. He clearly just wants to hang out with her, not entertain any small talk. But the way he’s acting like you’re not even in the room hurts.

You say bye to Zach one last time before you follow your friends down the hallway towards the elevator. Your shoes are padding over the tiles when you hear your name half-whispered.

Zach stands with a foot out his door, beckoning you. Butterflies swirl in your stomach as you scurry back to close the distance between you. You look up at his warm eyes expectantly.

“Sorry. Don’t take it personally,” he murmurs with a gentle smile. “Rafe’s like that with everyone.”

You’re sure he’s not like that with the girl he just led upstairs. But you don’t know why you even care that much.

Zach’s the one you like. Obviously if you find him attractive, you’ll find his twin brother attractive, too. You figure your brain is just getting used to it.

You return his smile, appreciative. Stuff like this is why you like him; he cares enough to try to comfort you after his brother brushed you off.

“It’s okay,” you reply. Your friends call your name, urging you to get to the elevator before the doors close. “Thanks. I’ll see you.”

Zach watches you rush away, hoping he managed to make you feel better. He loves his brother. He understands why he is the way he is. But he doesn’t like that he made a girl who was nothing but nice to him feel bad.

As he tidies up the mess in the living room, thinking about how sweetly you had offered to help clear the table, Zach realizes that he enjoys not having housekeepers.

He never liked watching people have to clean up after him. Getting used to cleaning took some time after he and Rafe settled in here when the school year began, but now, it feels good.

Moving out was the best thing they could’ve done. Even though Zach’s only minutes older, he always felt protective of his brother, and being at home with their dad and stepmom just messed with Rafe, bringing out his self-destructive tendencies.

About an hour later, Zach’s doing schoolwork at the kitchen island when he hears the front door shut. He’s used to his brother’s habits, having random girls over, never letting them spend the night.

“She’s new,” Zach says when Rafe saunters into the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Rafe says, ducking into the fridge. “Do we have any food?”

“I saved some takeout for you.” Zach points to the container by the oven.

“Sweet.”

“What’s she like?” Zach asks.

Rafe shrugs. Thankfully, his hook-up wasn’t interested in getting to know him, either. She just wanted to be physical. Losing himself in the feeling of a girl’s legs wrapped around him, melting into emotionless pleasure, shutting his mind up, is Rafe’s comfort zone.

“She’s cool,” he mumbles. “It’s nothing serious.”

Zach watches his brother pick at his dinner at the counter, not bothering to sit down.

He never understood how he could have these meaningless hook-ups. Zach can’t imagine sharing a bed with a girl he has no connection with. Or never talking to her again after.

He shuts his laptop, pinching the bridge of his nose before he speaks.

“Hey, you think you could be a little nicer to my guests?” he asks. Rafe tenses up.

“This again?” It isn’t the first time Zach is giving him shit for how he talks to his friends.

“It makes them feel unwelcome when you act like that,” Zach replies. Rafe’s temper flares.

“Did they tell you that?” he snips.

“They don’t have to. Just… be decent, okay?”

“I am. You care too much about what people think,” Rafe mutters.

“Maybe you don’t care enough.” Zach’s lips firm into a thin line. “I don’t want to have to apologize for you.”

“Oh, come on,” he chuckles. “Who’d you have to apologize to? For what?”

Zach mentions your name and how sad you looked as you were leaving. Rafe sighs, but a hint of anxiety pricks at his skin. This happens a lot. He thinks things are fine, and then he finds out later that apparently, he was rude.

“I hope you’re at least nicer to the girls you bring over,” Zach says.

“Not every girl wants a nice guy,” he jokes with a snort. “Can we skip the lecture?”

“Dude,” he sighs in exasperation.

Rafe rolls his eyes. Zach never got that Rafe doesn’t have the ability to read people all that well, that he doesn’t know when he’s expected to tiptoe around feelings. Rafe wishes everyone was just upfront like he is.

Despite the frustration rolling through his body, he hates to lose his temper on his brother. He always regrets it after if he does. So, he relents.

“Fine. I’ll be nicer,” Rafe sighs. He thinks back to the way you looked sitting in the living room earlier tonight, your voice sweet, your smile pretty.

“She’s cute,” Rafe mumbles. “New girlfriend?”

He wonders if Rafe’s mocking him. Or maybe Zach’s just being overly sensitive. His younger brother has teased him in the past for how he’s hardly ever single for very long.

Zach does prefer to be in a relationship, to live in a promise of commitment with someone who wants to love him. But is that so bad?

They deal with their trauma in different ways. Zach runs towards comfort and connection, while Rafe would rather die than be vulnerable with a girl.

Zach would never say it, but he believes he copes much better than Rafe does. But then again, Zach is pretty sure Rafe has mental health issues that he refuses to acknowledge.

“Just a friend. Her dad’s my coach,” Zach replies flatly. “She does social media for the team. She’s off limits.”

“Off limits?” Rafe echoes. “Why? You like her?”

“No,” Zach lies on impulse. It’s not just his brother he considers you off limits to. He can’t pursue you, either. Although he wants to.

But if he admits to not wanting to date the coach’s daughter because it could end badly and leave things awkward for everybody, Rafe’ll whine about how stupid it is to be living life like that, always afraid to upset people.

They’ve had this exact conversation so many times. Zach would say that it’s not stupid to be considerate. Rafe would tell him to be selfish for once. And they’d get nowhere.

“I already told you that you can’t hook up with my friends,” Zach states.

Rafe sighs. He’s done it in the past, had flings with girls Zach befriends, then caught shit for not calling back, even though he’s always clear that he’s not looking for a relationship. Zach hates losing friends as a result of Rafe’s impulses.

“I know,” he finally says. “Relax.”

It frustrates Zach how much his brother acts like he’s high-strung. In reality, he is relaxed. Among his friends, he has a reputation for being chill and fun.

But with Rafe, he has to play this role. He’s had to since they were kids.

Zach stands, taking his laptop with him as he paces towards his bedroom. It’d be nice to talk to his brother about how much he likes you, about how excited he gets when he sees you coming to talk to him, even when it’s just to film a video.

It’s not like he can tell any of the guys on his team. As close as he is with them, he’s sure it’d spread and get back to you.

Rafe’s the only person he’d gush to, but he’d rather not listen to him whine about how Zach needs to stop giving a fuck about consequences. Because that’s who Rafe is.

“Night,” Zach says curtly.

“Hey, I’m sorry, alright? I don’t try to be a dick,” Rafe says. “You don’t want any more of this?”

Zach looks at the food.

“I’m good.”

It’s another lie. He still has an appetite, but he’d rather let someone else eat if they’re hungry. Because that’s who Zach is.

────୨ৎ────

“Whoa,” you say, scrolling through your notifications.

“What’s up?” Zach asks, leaning closer to you.

You’re sitting in a loud and overcrowded on-campus bar with your friends. It’s been a few days since you hung out at Zach’s, being pulled out of the conversation from your phone buzzing incessantly.

Zach’s chin is almost touching your shoulder as you drag your thumb over your phone screen. He smells like soap and warmth, making your heart race.

“This one video randomly blew up,” you say. “From like, two weeks ago. It has almost ten thousand likes.”

“Which one?” Chance asks, sitting across the table from you.

“The one where I asked you guys what’s on your lockscreens,” you tell them. “I’ll send the link.”

Your friends gaze at their phones around the table after you share the video in the group chat, but Zach stays in his spot, preferring to watch over your shoulder, closer than he’s ever been to you.

It’s stuff like this that makes you think he’s crushing on you, too.

“Well, that’s good, right?” Zach offers. “Makes you look good if you get us viral.”

You breathe a chuckle as you read through the comments.

“I don’t know,” you say. “You’re all kind of getting objectified.”

“What?” Kacey, Chance’s girlfriend half-shouts.

“Oh, that explains why I’m getting all these random follow requests,” Chance laughs. He looks at his girlfriend. “I’m not accepting them. Don’t worry.”

“Sunrise guy is so pure,” Roy, the goalie, reads a comment aloud in a teasing tone. “102 likes. Jesus.”

“Am I sunrise guy?” Zach mumbles to you.

You smirk, finally turning your head to meet his eyes. In the video, Zach said his lockscreen was ‘a cool picture he took of a sunrise.’

“I think you are,” you reply. Admittedly, he looked adorable in the video, just coming out of the locker room after a game, his hair messy and his skin flushed.

“Pure,” he repeats, his lips twisting. “Is that good?”

“I’d say it’s good,” you shrug.

“Sunrise guy is fine as hell,” Roy reads, laughing. “And there’s a whole thread under trying to find your Instagram.”

You swear you notice Zach blush as he shuffles to take his phone out of his pocket.

“What are they saying about you, huh, Roy?” Zach teases. “Share with the class.”

“Nobody’s saying shit about Roy,” Chance laughs, scrolling.

“Shut up,” Roy says, punching Chance’s shoulder.

Your stomach twists with unease when you see Zach open Instagram, the red message bubble mocking you.

Sure enough, a few girls dm’d him. He opens a message from a girl with a pretty profile photo.

Hiiii :) please don’t think I’m a stalker lol I just saw you on tiktok and I’m wondering how I haven’t seen you around campus?

You look away, feeling guilty for snooping. It’s a girl who goes to the same college. A girl he could very easily meet and date.

He’s not your boyfriend. You have to remind yourself that he owes you nothing. But jealousy doesn’t care if you’ve claimed someone as yours or not. It still finds a way to seep in.

You shift in your seat, pretending to continue to read comments while your heart squeezes in a vice.

────୨ৎ────

The next weekend, Zach and Rafe are hosting a party. As you get ready, you put extra time into getting pretty. You wonder if you haven’t been obvious enough.

You’ve been flirting with Zach like always, but he might think you’re just being nice, so if the air feels right tonight, you’ll try to make it more clear that you’re interested.

You arrive at the loft, trying to act unfazed when Zach pulls you in for a quick hug. He does it with everyone, though, so you’re not sure if you’re special to him at all.

Rafe notices you walk in. He’s standing just outside the kitchen, a cold beer bottle in his hand. You’re even prettier than he remembers.

Zach leads you to the kitchen where drinks are laid out on the counter, then quickly gets pulled away by the doorbell ringing again.

You pace into the bright space, gazing over the ridiculously large array of alcohol. Ever since you saw the size of this place, you’ve wondered if Zach comes from a wealthy family.

Regular college students couldn’t afford a home like this. And they wouldn’t so generously buy all the many drinks scattered atop the counter.

You meet sharp blue eyes. Rafe raises his beer bottle slightly in greeting. You offer a smile in return, your body numbing.

You notice yet another difference between them. Zach dresses like most other guys on campus, while Rafe is in a crisp button-up, a small logo stitched on the front. You know that brand isn’t cheap. Neither is his watch.

They must be well off. Zach doesn’t seem to want to show it. Rafe does.

You find a drink you can stomach, picking up the cold glass bottle and looking around for an opener.

“Apparently, I was rude to you the other day?” Rafe’s voice cuts over the music.

You look up to see him stepping a bit closer, putting his beer down on the marble with a clack and gripping a metallic bottle opener. You take his silent invitation, handing him your drink.

“You weren’t not rude,” you reply.

Rafe’s dimples cave into his cheeks when he chuckles, looking down, popping the lid off with ease. He likes that you call him out on it, instead of appeasing him.

“My bad.” His voice is husky, his words said with a drawl. He hands your drink back to you. “Zach’s always giving me shit about my manners.”

“He’s right to,” you joke.

You take a small sip from the bottle, your face pinching with a hint of distaste, and Rafe finds it ridiculously cute.

“Don’t like it?” he asks, eyes glinting.

“Just a little bitter,” you admit. You look out at the crowd, some faces familiar, some faces not.

You’re not close enough to the girl in your class, the one you saw Rafe with, to have asked her what their deal is. The curiosity has oddly been gnawing at you.

It’d be weird to mention it to her. Or to him. But you do notice that she’s not here. You take another drag from the bottle, tapping your nails against the counter to the familiar song.

Rafe can’t tear his eyes off of you, noticing the way you’re slightly mouthing the lyrics. If he wasn’t this close, he wouldn’t be able to tell.

“You know this song?” Rafe asks.

“You do, too?” you say, looking up at him again as he towers over you.

“It’s my playlist.”

“Oh,” you laugh, surprised that you have something in common with him, that you both like this fairly unknown artist. “Yeah. This whole album is good.”

Rafe nods. You try not to stare. He has a magnetizing pull that you can’t really make sense of. There’s something so naturally dominating about him, like he’s silently demanding your attention.

The night Zach mentioned your job, Rafe looked through the account you run for his soccer team. Truthfully, he wished you were in the videos instead of behind the camera, but at least he could hear your voice.

You intrigue him. There’s no way to ignore it. His brother doesn’t want him hooking up with his friends, but what’s the harm in talking?

“So, you do TikTok stuff for my brother’s team?” Rafe asks. Zach has obviously talked about you to him. You wonder what else he said.

“My job description technically says ‘content creation’,” you reply. “But I guess ‘TikTok stuff’ works.”

Rafe can’t stifle his smile. He thinks Zach’s an idiot not to like you.

Maybe he’s lying. But it’s unlike him to lie when it comes to girls. He always wears his heart on his sleeve, so much so that it confuses Rafe why, after growing up around so much instability, he’s still so open to being hurt.

“You’re not into soccer?” you ask. He shakes his head no. “Do you play something else?”

“Nah,” Rafe says. “I golf sometimes, but that’s it.”

You can’t help but breathe a chuckle. Of course a rich guy like him would play golf of all sports.

“What?” he asks.

“Nothing,” you say.

“What’s funny?” he teases, his stare penetrating.

You have to look away, heat flushing through you. Everything about him, about his appeal, is overwhelming.

“Come on,” he beckons, teasing.

“I was going to say that I’m not surprised.” Your eyes dart down to the small logo on his shirt. “You would play golf.”

Rafe’s amused. Zach never liked making it obvious that they come from money because he says it’s in ‘bad taste.’ It’s another thing about his brother that never made sense to Rafe.

“Really? Who’s being rude now?” he asks.

You look up at him with doe eyes. Right now, it’s really hard for Rafe to give a fuck about you being off limits.

“Still you,” you reply. He laughs.

It’s a surprise, the way Rafe’s not as cold as you first thought. He has a guard up and he doesn’t smile much, but he has his own type of charm.

You continue to chat with him about music and school and even your dad being the soccer coach. Zach must have mentioned that, too.

Thankfully, you’re not quite drunk yet, because if you were, you might ask him what else Zach has said about you, and that could be a giveaway of your feelings for him. And if you show interest in Zach, that would probably kill your chances with Rafe.

Uncomfortable realization pools your senses. While these men are complete contradictions of each other, unalike in so many ways, you like them. Both of them. Shit.

You down the tiny bit left of your drink, a sign of just how long you’ve been standing here talking to Rafe. Time with him has a way of slipping.

You gaze out at the party again, noticing that the living room has gotten much more crowded. And then you see Zach, sitting on the couch, beaming brightly as he talks to a girl.

Rafe catches the way your face falls. When he sees your eyes on his brother, he’s sure of it. You like him. And here you are, making conversation with him while you’re pining over Zach.

He thought you were having fun together. He felt a spark. The sting of rejection tears into him. His gut reaction is to be spiteful. To say you should just go talk to Zach if he’s boring you. Or to really make it hurt, to tell you Zach said he doesn’t like you like that.

Truthfully, as much as he loves Zach, he’s always been a little jealous of him. Everything just seems so easy for him, while every minute of Rafe’s life feels like a fight he’s losing.

Instead of hurting you, he swallows down his words with a swig of beer. Maybe all of Zach’s scolding for his lack of manners is finally working.

“Enjoy the party, yeah?” Rafe says to you. He steps away before you can reply.

Later on, you’re chatting with Kacey when you feel rhythmic buzzes in your pocket. You pull your phone out to see Zach’s name on your screen.

“Hello?” you answer.

“Finally,” he laughs. “Can you open the front door for me? I got locked out.”

A moment later, you meet Zach on the first floor, wishing your heart didn’t skip the way it does when he smiles at you through the glass door.

“I’m an idiot,” he says once you let him in. “I forgot my keys. Thanks.”

“Sure,” you laugh.

“You know, you’re the fourth person I called.” Zach puts an arm around your shoulders as you walk through the lobby. He’s never touched you like this and it’s comforting, but then again, everything about Zach is comforting. “Nobody else answered.”

By the way he’s being more affectionate than usual and slurring his words, you can tell he’s drunk.

“Why were you outside?” you ask.

“I walked someone down,” he answers. “Actually, a girl I met because of that video you posted.”

Likely the girl you saw messaging him just a few nights ago. He must have replied and liked her so much that he invited her tonight. Your heart aches.

“How’d it go?” you ask, feigning indifference.

“Good,” Zach replies. “I think she had fun.”

Of course he answers selflessly, more concerned about what she thought of him. You enter the elevator and he parts from you, pressing the button.

“Was Rafe being nice?” he asks. He obviously noticed you talking to his brother.

“He was actually telling me to leave,” you reply. Zach’s eyes widen and you laugh. “Wow, you’re gullible. I’m kidding. Yes, he was nice.”

He did leave your conversation pretty abruptly, but you’d rather not tell Zach in case he feels the need to apologize for his brother’s behavior again.

“Okay. Good.” Zach looks up at the changing numbers on the screen, smiling proudly as he leans back against the elevator wall.

His younger brother can be brash and reckless, but Zach knows it’s all because his feelings overwhelm him. He sees right through Rafe’s attempts to hide it from everyone, including himself.

Everyone thinks Zach is the emotional one. He isn’t. He doesn’t even come close to how sensitive and unstable Rafe can be.

“He’s a good guy,” he says. “I love him to death. We’ve been through a lot together and when our mom left, he…”

You look over at Zach’s profile, his lips curved into a frown.

“He took it hard and I don’t think he ever really got over any of it,” he finishes his sentence.

His inhibitions have clearly been silenced by alcohol, and you’d ask for more information if it didn’t feel like you were taking advantage of his drunken state.

The elevator dings. The doors slide open. Rafe’s standing in the hallway, holding his phone, having just caught up with Zach’s missed notifications.

“Where were you?” Zach says, mocking offense. “Do you even care that I was left out in the cold? You know I don’t like being alone.”

“Alright, come on,” Rafe says, shaking his head in disapproval as he pulls Zach forward by the shoulder. He meets your eyes for a second. “How much did you drink?”

“Relax,” Zach says, then laughs. “Wow. For once, I’m telling you that.”

The three of you walk down the hallway towards the loft. Your arms are crossed, still confused about your feelings for Rafe, still hurt that Zach doesn’t see anything worth pursuing in you.

“I love you, you know?” Zach mumbles to his brother. “I was just saying how much we’ve been through and how much I love you.”

Rafe’s body goes cold. He glares at you.

“What did he say?” he asks you, tense.

“I could barely understand him,” you fib. You don’t want to embarrass either one of them.

“You’re not gonna say you love me back?” Zach says to Rafe.

“Dude,” Rafe scoffs. “You cannot hold your booze. You’re going to bed.”

“Never,” Zach murmurs.

After everything that’s happened tonight, you feel too disoriented to be able to laugh.

(part two)

[concreteburialplot]

Wallflower 🌸

Pairing: Sam Kiszka x Fem!Reader

Series Masterlist: Here | Crossposted: ao3 | Word Count: 7.6k

Summary: Overwhelmed at your first college party, you catch the attention of the most popular guy in the room. Not only does he offer a comforting escape from the chaos, but he also provides a place to stay when your roommate kicks you out for a hookup.

Warnings: mutual pining, panic attacks, overstimulation, alcohol consumption, college parties, frat boy!danny lol, minor altercation / brief angry sam, hint of forbidden twin?, weed, one bed trope technically?, very soft, enchanted by TS vibes, eventual smut in future parts, 18+ MDNI

A/N; This is my first fic for gvf, pls be kind 🥲 - this is a work of fiction and does not reflect any members of the band or their real lives/actions/etc. - i hope you like it 🥲💞🌸

It was only your 3rd weekend away at university and your extremely extroverted roommate somehow talked you into a frat party. You followed Katie into a massive, bustling house illuminated only by strobe and neon lights. The air was thick and hazy with cigarette and marijuana smoke, making your nose scrunch up at the pungent smell. 

She pressed a gentle but firm hand on your back and nudged you forward, not realizing until then that you had been frozen in place.

Katie somehow managed to glide through the crowd effortlessly, skillfully maneuvering without bumping into anyone. She even asked someone for directions to the kitchen, to which they eagerly pointed out the way. It was so foreign to you, the concept of speaking to strangers and receiving such kindness in return so quickly. Perhaps it was her brighter face and friendlier persona that made the difference. 

Following the directions from a blonde girl wearing only a bikini, you made your way across the house into a surprisingly spacious kitchen. The room had an unconventional layout, resembling a triangle with an oddly-shaped island at its center. 

There were people scooting around the edges of the crowded kitchen trying to reach the liquor bottles and jell-o shots strewn across the counters. Surrounding the ample island were party goers all engaged in a rowdy conversation. You followed their focus to the one commanding their attention and landed on what could quite possibly be the most beautiful man you’d ever seen. Long brunette hair flowed past his shoulders and had a slight wave that framed his face perfectly. Even in the dim light of the kitchen you could make out the sharpness of his features. The air in your lungs seemed to vanish and your ears tuned out the booming laughter and thumping party music. Your chest swelled with a feeling of rampant heart rate and your stomach dropped into a flurry of butterflies. Suddenly, you felt even smaller and more out of place than you’d ever felt perhaps in your entire life.

Your life-of-the-party, sunshiney roommate wrapped her fingers around your wrist and dragged you to the group of people on the opposite side of the island, next to where the stunning man stood. She made it to a tall male in a t-shirt with cropped sleeves, large enough to show his ribs.

“Danny!” Katie exclaimed, getting his attention.

“Oh hey!” He smiled wide as he turned away from the counter to face her. “You made it!”

“Y/N this is Danny,” She gestured to the boy with dark curly hair that was tucked beneath a backwards cap, “I met him at the bookstore yesterday.”

You wondered what sort of magic Katie possessed that allowed her to make friends everywhere she went.

He kept a kind smile on his lips as he waved to you.

“Hey.” You sheepishly smiled and waved back to him.

Your roommate gestured back to you, “Danny this is Y/N.”

He gave you a soft grin before directing his attention back to your roommate. “Did you ever get your textbook situation figured out?”

The party had only grown more unruly in the short time you’d been there. You slunk into the background of the lively kitchen until your hips met the cold counter. You tugged at the pink top Katie had lent to you in an attempt to cover a bit more of your midsection. Not only had she persuaded you to party tonight, she also convinced you to borrow some of her clothes, since yours were too “casual comfy”. She managed to get you into a baby tee paired with a high-waisted white skirt paired with your usual white Converse. You didn’t necessarily feel exposed or vulnerable in the outfit, it was just not your preferred level of comfort.

Loud cheering rang through the house and even though you could tell it was from a distance, the loud sound still made you wince. Almost immediately afterwards, a clearly wasted man in a tank stop shoved his way past you, pushing you into the granite counter. The encounter caused you to tuck your crossed arms even tighter against your body. 

“Sam,” Danny spoke over the blaring music to the male that was keeping the group laughing to get his attention. “Sam,” He repeats, though the lanky boy was too caught up in whatever conversation he was in to notice. Danny gently tapped his shoulder which finally got the boy to look over at him. “I’m gonna go find Josh.” He nearly yelled over the music and thumbed over his shoulder towards the living room.

“Okay.” The male nodded in acknowledgment.

Just as his gaze fell from his friend, it landed on you. It was clear that he didn’t expect there to be anything to get his attention as he blinked to do a subtle double take. His eyes flickered over to his friends across from the geometric-shaped island. He snapped right back into the flowing banter like a puzzle piece. The ease of how swiftly he melted back into the conversation reminded you a lot of Katie and her magic socializing powers.

While Katie didn’t originally know the people beside you, it only took for her to ask them to pass the tequila for a friendship to be born and for you to have a mixed drink in your hand. You swirled the contents of your plastic red cup, watching as the ice cubes crashed into each other. It felt as though you’d faded into the background and became one with the cabinets and counters. You weren’t anywhere near as outgoing as her and you knew nobody else at the party. It was just you and the shitty alcoholic punch that was quickly getting watered down in your cup.

“Well, you sure look like you’re having fun.” Spoke a voice from beside you. It wasn’t until then that you realized you had zoned out. Your eyes snapped up to the now half-empty kitchen, and you wonder when it was that everyone cleared out, including your roommate. Finally, you followed the voice and trailed your eyes up to find the long-haired boy from before.

Your cheeks heated up and your gaze immediately dropped back down to your cup. “Oh um, yeah.” You forced a quick smile back up at him. “Having a great time.”

He let out a laugh that was more reminiscent of one someone would offer after a witty joke. “Well that was incredibly convincing.” He said sarcastically although his tone was light and playful.

You could feel the redness spreading on your cheeks getting caught in your (quite obvious) lie. “I just don’t know anyone here.” While it was the truth, it wasn’t exactly the whole reason you were miserable. “Except for my roommate, who,” You sighed and motioned towards where she had stood before. “Disappeared on me.” You let your arm fall to your side in utter defeat.

“Well, let’s fix that.” He said, holding out his hand. “Hi, I’m Sam, I’ve also been known to go by Sammy, Sammy Boy, whatever tickles your fancy really.” He grinned, big and wide, and most importantly, kind .

You offered a small, timid smile back before reaching out and slipping your hand into his. “Y/N.”

His smile only grew as he firmly grasped your hand and gave it a good, firm shake. “An honor to make your acquaintance.” 

You couldn’t help but giggle at all his eccentric verbiage. “Nice to meet you too, Sam.”

The alcohol must’ve been hitting your system more than you thought since you probably would’ve barely been able to speak a single word to this man if you had been sober.

“Is this your party?” You asked, trying to cover your bases before talking any more shit about the ensemble.

He laughed hard that time, “Me? In a fraternity? God no.” He shook his head and took a sip of his beer. “It seems like everyone ended up at this party, even you, Wallflower.” He offered a playful smile.

Your cheeks burned hot at the nickname even though it was meant to be comical. “Oh,” You chuckled nervously and your gaze fell back to your red cup. “Parties just aren’t my thing, my roommate just dragged me here.”

“What couldn’t you like about a party like this?” He stepped back and stretched his arms wide. If you weren’t mistaken, his tone sounded half facetious. He smiled then stepped back towards you. “Besides the god-awful music, of course.” He kept his grin as he took a sip from his beer bottle, a lime wedge clunking against the glass walls.

You chuckled at his theatrics, he was quickly becoming one of the most interesting people you’d ever met. “The music isn’t so bad, not really my taste but, it’s not the worst part.” You shrugged. “It’s mainly the people.” Your gaze followed past the boy, through the kitchen arch entrance into the living room where the hoard of college students danced and mingled. “Too many people.” 

“You sound like my brother Jake.” He laughed fondly. “He loves to party, but with the right people. That’s why he’s not up here. My other brother though,” He peeked over his shoulder at the party. “He’s in there somewhere having the time of his life right now.”

“And you?” You questioned, turning your face up to him. “Why aren’t you out there?”

The corners of his mouth turned up like it was the easiest thing in the world, like forming a smile was what he was born to do. “Well, because I’m talking to you, silly.” He stated as if it was obvious.

Heat rushed to your cheeks once more. “Oh, well I don’t wanna keep you from your friends.” You shook your head and tried to keep your eyes on him as you spoke but failed and your gaze fell back to the melting ice in your cup. “I’m sure they’re waiting for you.”

“I’m not in a rush.” He replied simply, keeping his focus earnestly on you. “I’m sure that I’m the last thing on their minds right now.” He joked.

“I suppose you’re probably right.” You chuckled and met his eyes.

Suddenly, a visibly wasted frat boy fashioned in a neon green tank top shoved his way between the both of you. The abrasive action not only shoved Sam backwards but also bumped into your cup splashing a bit of drink onto your shirt. You gasped at the unexpected force then hissed at the coldness now spreading across your skin. 

Sam set his beer down harshly on the island, hard enough for the glass clank to ring through the small space. “What the fuck man?” His tone was irritated but not quite angry yet, until his eyes noticed the blue alcohol bleeding across your baby pink top. 

The boy, who looked like his name was Kyle, drunkenly smirked at the remark, as if irritating Sam seemed like fun to him. “You should be thanking me for getting your girl wet.” 

You’d only known Sam all of maybe 30 minutes but you could tell he wasn’t one to pick fights, however you questioned that truth when you watched his brows lower at the male. He stepped towards him with a strongly pointed finger. “Really bold of you to be so disrespectful to someone who could easily get your ass kicked out of here.”

The boy scoffed at him, “Oh what are you gonna do, ban me from every party?” He asksd as if it’s a joke.

“That exactly.” Sam stated calmly though you could tell it was anger he was suppressing. “I know every fucker in this house, all I’ve gotta do is point you out, and boom,” He shrugged casually. “Say goodbye to every party of the year.”

It was obvious that the boy only half believed him but the threat of being exiled from the campus’ largest and most anticipated parties had his eyes widening. 

“That’s what I thought.” His arm swung towards the kitchen exit. “Now get the fuck out, and don’t let me see you again.”

He nodded quickly and sped out of the kitchen. When Sam’s gaze returned to you it quickly softened and his hands immediately found your arms to comfort you. “I’m so sorry.” He apologized even though it wasn’t his fault. His eyes landed on your chest though you knew it wasn’t disrespectful. “Here.” He swiftly pivoted behind you to snag the roll of paper towels, snapping off a few squares before dampening them in the metal sink beside you. He brought the dampened pieces and went to help clean your shirt but stopped himself before making contact. His chocolatey eyes snapped up to you with a look of apology. “May I?” 

You were stunned by everything that had just occurred so you just nodded. His touches were gentle, patting the colorful stain away. “I’m sorry that happened. I know you just said how you were already overwhelmed with everything.”

You sucked a breath in through your nose trying to steady your breathing, attempting to act normal even though the event overstimulated you enough to border a panic attack. “No it’s okay, I just-“ You closed your eyes and let your chest fall as you exhaled. “This stuff is just, it’s a lot.” You kept your focus off of him feeling somewhat ashamed of it. You’re in college, something so minor at a party shouldn’t bother you, right?

He paused his actions to glance up at you before returning to his work on your shirt. “Don’t apologize. Like I said, my older brother Jake doesn’t like crowds either.” He informed softly, taking extra care to not touch you too much or make you uncomfortable. “I’m used to this.” His shoulders pulled into a shrug. 

“Thanks.” You nodded, grateful for his kindness. You allowed a quiet fall between you as you focused on calming down. After a bit of him going back and forth with new paper towels with little success, you sighed looking down at the vibrant blue splotch. “It’s okay, it doesn’t look like it’s gonna come out.”

The edge of his mouth curved into a slight frown knowing that despite his best efforts, you were right. “I’m sorry.” He added the last used paper towel onto the pile beside you. “Hey, let me at least get you a fresh shirt.”

After cleaning up the mess of paper towels, he led you away from the crowd and upstairs to rows of ample bedrooms. 

“I thought you weren’t a part of this frat?” You asked as he went directly to a specific door. 

“I’m not,” He twisted the doorknob to a surprisingly empty bedroom. The rest of them seemed to be …preoccupied. The room looked like a stereotypical college dorm just in an elaborate fancy house. There were sports posters on each side of the walls above two separate beds, along with soccer and golf gear spread over the floor. It was surprisingly clean but you wondered if that was by design, if it was only clean because they anticipated having company tonight. Without turning the light on, Sam found his way to a wooden dresser and dug through it. You furrowed your brows in confused concern since he just informed you that this was in fact not his room. If you knew him better you’d scold him and ask what he was doing rifling through someone else’s belongings but you held your tongue in favor of curiosity. 

The moonlight peering through the window casted a sparkling light across his features. He seemed to glow, the light loved his smooth tan skin, the sharp edges of his face and the honey in his eyes. It felt wrong to ogle at him like he was some Greek sculpture but you couldn’t help it. He was just so beautiful .

You promptly averted your stare when he finally turned back to you and held out a folded shirt flat on two hands like a gift. “That guy your friend was talking to in the kitchen? That’s my best friend Danny.” He smiled fondly, evidently proud of his friendship. “He does live here and so I end up crashing here all the time so, I have some backup clothes.” He tilted his head to the shirt. “It’s clean, you can borrow it for the night if you want.”

You couldn’t help the small smile that crept up to your lips at his gesture. You gently took the rusty brown shirt and thanked him. He led you to the nearest empty bathroom for you to change.

Being alone in a bathroom at a party tended to be a great place to gauge where your head was at so, when you stood in front of the mirror and assessed yourself you noticed a couple things. You looked absolutely ridiculous with the giant blue splotch across your chest. There was a slight warm redness in your cheeks indicated that you were a little tipsy but not enough to numb your fingers or lips. And finally, a fluttering had made home in your tummy and a smitten grin kept threatening to creep across your lips. You wondered if the pink in your cheeks was truly the alcohol or something else entirely. 

After you changed into the borrowed shirt, you stepped out of the bathroom to find Sam leaning against the stairway railing mindlessly waiting for you. Once his eyes finally landed on you, the edges of his mouth tugging into a smooth and soft smile. “Ah, it looks great on you!” He exclaimed with an arm stretched out to his side before softly landing on your shoulder. 

The warmth in your cheeks worsened at his compliment, which you quickly tried to squash by telling yourself that he’s just being nice. “Thanks.” You replied in a voice smaller than you intended. 

If this had been any other night, with anyone else, you would’ve definitely already been on your way home by now, but you couldn’t possibly cheat yourself out of time with the most interesting person you’d ever met. Even so, the idea of going back to the chaos downstairs wasn’t appealing at all. 

Almost as if he could read your mind, he straightened up a bit like he’d just thought of an idea. “By chance, do you happen to play pool?”

Your brows furrowed and your head tilted slightly like a confused puppy. “Um, a little, a long time ago. I don’t really remember how though.”

His lips tugged into a wide smile. “Perfect! Let me show you something, follow me.”

Now, it wasn’t your brightest moment, letting a random boy at a party lead you downstairs into a basement but for whatever reason you trusted him. He was far too kind to be devious – besides, what sort of sinister person wears a cream-colored knit sweater to a frat party?

You followed him down some carpeted steps into a brick-lined basement. You looked around the room taking it in fully. While it was still busy with people, the atmosphere was much different. The music was softer, and the chatter wasn’t nearly as loud. The room was full of games, from pool tables to air hockey to darts and even some arcade games. It was accompanied by an espresso-colored leather couch and wooden bar stocked with what looked like every bottle of liquor imaginable. The basement was much more your speed than upstairs would ever be.

Sam must’ve noticed your amazement, giving you a tiny smirk. “Much better, isn’t it?”

“Worlds better.” You grinned up at him in gratitude, though a twinkle of fear sparked in your stomach at the thought that he may just leave you there to rejoin his friends upstairs.

That worry melted away when he was instantly greeted by nearly everyone in the room. You were beginning to learn that he had friends everywhere he went. The only one you recognized was Danny from earlier which surprised you since he seemed like the life of the party earlier and it was his party after all. Next to him stood a shorter boy with long brown hair somewhat reminiscent to Sam’s. In opposition to Sam’s sweater, this boy wore a button down held together only by the last two buttons before being tucked into his jeans. Your eyes couldn’t help but follow the long corded, crystal necklace that laid down his exposed chest. When you heard Sam’s voice beginning introductions, you blinked your eyes up to the mystery boy’s face only to find his eyes already on yours with a smirk. Your cheeks burned in hopes that neither of them noticed your wandering eyes. 

“Well you already met Danny, but this is my brother Jake.” Sam grinned introducing him. “Jake this is Y/N, Y/N this is Jake.” He gestured between you both. 

Jake smiled at you but you took note of the corner of his lip curling into another smirk. “Nice to meet you, Y/N.” He pulled the pool stick he was using off the table until he stood it up beside him holding it like a staff. 

“Hey.” Your lips tugged into a tightlipped smile as you tucked a loose piece of hair behind your ear before waving at him. 

Sam then grinned wide and clapped his hands together, startling you a bit. “Okay! Now you said that you don’t know how to play, right?”

“Not really, no.” You shook your head, stepping back to turn towards the vacant pool table parallel to the one Jake and Danny were playing on. Your eyes lingered on the green fabric table top and tugged your bottom lip between your teeth as you realized that you absolutely did not remember how to play. 

Sam noticed your lingering apprehension and placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder, "Don't worry, it's easy! I'll walk you through it, Wallflower." He said the nickname in a playful manner, poking light fun at your timidness.

Out of the corner of your eye you caught Jake take note of the nickname and it made you wonder why - was it because it was clear why it was your nickname or the fact that Sam had already given you one?

He picked up a pool cue and handed it to you, demonstrating how to hold it properly. "First, you want to get your grip right. Hold it like this," he said, gently taking your hands and positioning them on the cue. His touch was soft but firm, and resembled electricity against your skin.

You tried to mimic his stance, but it felt awkward and unnatural. Sensing your struggle, Sam stepped closer, his chest barely brushing against your back. "Here, let me help you," he murmured, his breath warm against your ear. His hands gently adjusted your grip and guided your arm into the correct position. "Now, keep your eye on the ball you're aiming for."

You nodded, trying to focus despite the buzzing in your stomach. Sam's presence was both comforting and extremely nerve-wracking. "Like this?" you asked, lining up your shot.

"Exactly," he confirmed with a large, prideful smile. "Now, just take a deep breath and strike."

You took a breath, steadying your nerves, and struck the cue ball. It rolled smoothly across the table, colliding with the intended target and sending it into a pocket. Your eyes widened in surprise and delight. "I did it!"

Sam laughed, clearly pleased with your success. "See? I told you it was easy."

As you and Sam continued to play, Jake wandered over, with a mischievous grin playing on his lips. "Hey Sam, I got a few pointers to give, don’t you mind?" he asked, already picking up a pool cue before the other answered. 

Sam’s tone and deadpanning glare made it obvious that he was used to but far too old for the competitive big brother behavior. "Alright, Jake, let's see what great pointers you got." Sam rolled his eyes already knowing where this was leading but stepped back with a good-natured chuckle to keep peace. 

Jake sauntered over, exuding a casual confidence with every step. While he and Sam both oozed confidence, they were much different in their own ways. Sam was self-assured in the way he could be the center of attention in any room by being solely his authentic self. Jake’s composed demeanor was different. He didn’t make himself the center of attention in the room, he just was - you’d barely been in the room 60 seconds before he captivated you.

Jake stood beside you, his presence more imposing than Sam's, but there was a playful glint in his eyes. "Alright, Y/N, let's see how you're holding that cue."

You showed him the way Sam had taught you hold, feeling slightly nervous under his intense gaze. He shook his head, clicking his tongue. "Nah, you've got it wrong. Here, let me show you."

He moved behind you, much like Sam had, but his approach was different. Jake's hands were firmer, his touch more assertive. He adjusted your grip with a practiced ease, his fingers lingering on yours for a moment longer than necessary. "You need to be more confident with your shot," he said, his voice low and smooth. "Pool is as much about attitude as it is about skill."

Sam watched from a distance, his expression unreadable. You tried to focus on Jake's instructions, but his proximity was a bit overwhelming. "Like this?" you asked, adjusting your stance under his guidance.

"Exactly," Jake replied, his breath warm against the shell of your ear. The sensation alone had goosebumps erupt across your skin. "Now, don't hesitate. Just go for it."

You struck the cue ball, and it collided with the intended target, sending it into a pocket with a satisfying clink. Jake's grin widened. "See? Not bad at all."

You glanced over at Sam across the room, who surprisingly gave you a thumbs up, his smile genuine despite the shift in dynamic. "Nice shot, Y/N!" he called out.

Jake stepped back, leaning against the table with a satisfied look. "Alright, Sammy boy, she's all yours again," he said with a perpetual smirk and a wink in your direction.

Sam rejoined you, his demeanor as warm and patient as ever towards you but you caught him shooting a slight glare over at Jake. "Great job, Y/N. You did so good!" Even though Jake’s proximity had your heart thumping, you were happy to have Sam’s comforting presence back.

Blood rushed to your cheeks at the compliment, “Thanks.” You replied meekly. Between Sam being well, Sam, and Jake’s oddly competitive behavior, you had to admit that you were a tad overwhelmed with it all. Although, it wasn’t necessarily an entirely bad feeling just, a lot for someone who never went out all that much before. It was a lot and your social battery was quickly depleting.

You ended up finishing your rounds with Sam while Jake and Danny continued to play their own game. Every so often you found yourself peeking over at Jake who was cool and focused with a cigar perched between his fingers. 

Surprisingly, you won your game but wondered if Sam had let you win. Regardless of whether your success was genuine, it filled you with a rush of accomplishment. If the night hadn’t been so long already you might’ve even initiated another game, but the ache of sleep started to weigh heavy on your bones. 

You rounded the table with a smile wider than you’ve had in weeks, thinking that maybe college wouldn’t be as scary as you spent so much time stressing over. 

“Thanks for teaching me.” You used both hands to keep the cue in place while you leaned against it tiredly. 

“Ah, you were a great student.” He waved away your politeness. 

You blinked up at him, finally able to see his face clearly in the better lighting of the basement. He looked even more striking under the warm glow, the soft yellow light highlighting his beautifully sun-kissed skin. His features were defined, with sharp angles and a complexion so smooth it was almost unreal. But the most captivating part of him was undoubtedly his eyes. In that light, they were a mesmerizing shade of dark caramel brown, drawing you in and momentarily distracting you from everything else.

“Oh, um,” Blood rushed to your cheeks, turning them a deep pink. “I don’t think so, but I had a really good time.” For some reason the admission felt vulnerable. 

He smiled, “Well, I’m glad. I did too.”

You glanced over to the circular wall clock to find that it was well past 1 am. “Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize it was so late.” You sighed and met Sam’s gaze again. “I really should get going.”

“Oh,” He faltered a bit, “Did you need a ride? I’m sure I could find someone sober around here.” He twisted his body around to check the room for any candidates. 

You chuckled and shook your head, setting your cue on the pool table. “No it’s fine, I was just gonna walk.” 

“Oh, I can’t let you walk home alone! There’s creeps out there!” 

You mulled it over in your head and while you didn’t want to inconvenience him further, he had a point that hadn’t dawned on you yet. “Well, I wouldn’t wanna bother you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s no bother at all.” He gestured towards the exit upstairs. “You ready?” 

You nodded and followed him up the stairs. Despite it being so late the party still raged on and kept the house chaotically crowded. Before you could really process an escape route, Sam grabbed your hand and began weaving through the crowd. You knew it was just precautionary and in reality it didn’t mean anything, but the action still filled your tummy with rampant butterflies and your chest with rapid thumping. 

Once you were safely on the porch, he released your hand and looked down at you. “You okay?” His brows curved up in concern. 

“Yeah.” You nodded with a small smile. It was almost embarrassing how brave you felt after surviving a rowdy frat party. 

“Okay good.” The smile he gave you was so sincere it almost made your heart ache. “Which way we headin’?” 

“That way.” You pointed to the left where the freshman dorms were located. 

“Cool, I live that way too.” He hopped off the porch while you opted for the three steps down he had skipped. 

You were both grateful and disappointed for the fact of your dorm was rather close to the party. As much as you craved your bed, it meant the end of this night with him would come sooner and you weren’t sure you were ready for that just yet. 

“Don’t take this the wrong way but,” He prefaced a question, “Was that your first college party?” 

A gush of warm August wind washed over you, blowing your hair back. You let out an embarrassed chuckle, “Was it that obvious?” 

He let out a genuine laugh, “Not necessarily.” He lied, his shoulders pulling into a shrug. “Just a hunch.” He teased in a way you could tell wasn’t meant to be malicious. Even though he couldn’t relate, his words somehow sounded completely understanding. 

You fidgeted with your fingers since you didn’t have pockets in your borrowed skirt to shove them in. “You see, I have a history of being dragged to parties.” You joked even though you were exaggerating just a bit, only being ‘dragged’ to maybe 2 large high school parties, 3 if you count the one in middle school. You weren’t a stranger to alcohol or partying though, just preferred it in small, controlled settings with people you knew. “Like I said, I just don’t like strangers.”

“Well, strangers aren’t always bad.” He leaned a little in your direction with a raised brow. 

You giggled, “I guess you’re right.” And paused, “Afterall, I met Jake.” You pressed your lips together, trying to stifle a laugh at your own joke. 

He stopped dead in his tracks, turning to look at you with a completely deadpan expression and eyes filled with mock disapproval. The sheer dramatics of his reaction shattered your resolve, and you burst into laughter, throwing your head back.

“Ha-ha. Very funny,” he said, rolling his eyes with exaggerated exasperation, a playful smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth.

“I’m jokinggg!” You defended nudging his shoulder and felt better once his smile returned to his lips. 

You went to follow him once he resumed on the designated path but stopped short. “Hey, actually this is my dorm.”

He spun on his heels crunching the gravelly asphalt beneath his shoes and pointed up to the brick building. “You live in Lakewood Hall?” 

“Yeah?”

“I live in Lakewood too!” He exclaimed in a way you’d never seen someone be so excited over something so mundane. You were certain that he could probably find joy in just about anything life had to offer.

“Really? That’s cool. What floor?” You attempted to remain nonchalant about living in the same dorm as this wonderful man you thought you may never see again.

“3, you?” 

“Wait, same! How have I not seen you around?” You asked then began walking towards the keycard protected door. 

“I don’t know.” He said, “I guess maybe because like I said I spend most of my time at Danny’s?” As he spoke, he slipped his hand into his back pocket and pulled out a keycard. The door's light blinked green, and the lock clicked open, confirming that he did actually live there too.

Once on your floor, you headed to your door and felt your stomach drop when you spotted a dreaded sock on the handle of your door. Katie must’ve ended up with that tall tattooed boy you’d last seen her dancing with. You let out a defeated sigh, not knowing where else to go at this hour. 

Sam laughed and tilted his chin at your door. “Good for your roommate.” 

You shook your head, “Yeah good for her, not for me, I have nowhere to go now and it’s like 2 am.” Both anxiety and anger began to fizz in your chest.

“Hey, it’s no big deal, I’m just down the hall.” He pointed in the opposite direction of your room. “You can come chill with me. If you want.” He made it a point to add the last bit, not wanting to push you but definitely looking to spend more time with you. 

“Oh no, no.” You shook your head vehemently. “I’ve already bothered you enough tonight, I can’t possibly intrude on your bedtime.”

He laughed hard at that one, “It’s no big deal, I’m a night owl.”

“Well, I-”

He rolled his eyes playfully before getting behind you and grasping your shoulders gently pushing you down the hall. “I’m not leaving you out here alone all night.” 

As much as you wanted to protest, just about anything sounded better than sitting alone in the hall for god knows how long. 

Once he opened his door and flicked the light on, your eyes widened. It was so much different than Danny’s - most notably the smell. Before the door was even fully open you were smacked in the face with a mix of patchouli incense and weed, each one trying to cancel the other out. He closed the door behind you as you fully took it all in. Aside from the potent smell the first thing you noticed was the two beds pushed together, a clear indicator that he didn’t have a roommate. Next was the giant earth-toned mandala-patterned tapestry that hung above the beds while the wall across the room from it was covered in vintage records and posters of various artists. Unlike the sports gear in Danny’s room, Sam’s floor was littered with instruments, more than you’d ever seen in one room outside of a school band room. 

“Whoa.” Was all that managed to tumble from your lips. 

“Cool ain’t it?” He stretched his arms out wide with a proud grin. “Got this place all to myself.” 

“Lucky.” You muttered, still a bit salty you weren’t lying in your own bed right now. “You play all of these?” 

“Yup!” He plopped himself on his double bed. “I’d play something for you now, if it wasn’t so cliche.” He joked. 

You wanted to protest but you weren’t about to argue with the keeper of your temporary sanctuary. As you scanned the room once more you noticed a couple things - thumbtacks shoved into every decoration and the bong casually out on his bedside table next to a glass jar full of green. Your brows furrowed, “How do you get away with all this?” 

He shrugged with a cocky smile, “I know people.”

“I wish I knew people.” You replied sarcastically. 

“Well, ya do now.” The edges of his mouth pulled to a soft, kind grin. It was really beautiful the way his features always seemed to light up any time he smiled. 

“You’re right.” You agreed mischievously, walking over to where he sat. “I know Jake.”

His smile fell flat at your joke. “You think you’re so funny huh?”

You giggled, “Yeah, I do.” 

His eyes glanced up at your face and lingered there longer than he intended. Now it was his time to study you - not that he hadn’t already been doing that all night but now that you were alone together and he could properly take you in. He cleared his throat when you tilted your head a bit at his stare. 

“You wanna smoke?” He offered, gesturing to the glass bong that was poorly fashioned to look like a vase. 

You shook your head, “No thanks, I think the alcohol was enough for the night. But you can if you want, I don’t mind.” 

Although it was traditionally his bedtime routine, he didn’t mind skipping that night. “No I’m okay, I was just offerin’.” He tilted his head towards an expansive vinyl shelf. “You wanna pick somethin’ to play?” 

Normally, Sam was a show-and-tell sort of guy but he was interested in what you’d choose. 

You twisted around to the long row of stacked cubicles full of records. As you stepped closer to them and ran your fingers along the spines you noticed they were all weathered with tattered edges. Almost all of the records were older artists, some big names but also some you’d never heard of. You were tempted by the only modern one you spotted being Hozier but it was obvious he wasn’t a fan of newer music and you wondered if this was some sort of test. If it was a lighthearted test, the last thing you wanted to do was seem uncultured by picking the only modern artist you saw. You thought hard about a Fleetwood Mac record but instead, you opted for an Elvis one and spun around to showcase your pick. 

“An Elvis fan? Interesting.” He eyed you curiously. “Wouldn’t have initially pegged you for one. But I’m familiar with those too, Josh is a huge fan of the king.” He chuckled, pushing himself off the thin mattress to set it up on his record player. “May I?” He outstretched his hands to take the record from your grasp.

The truth was that your knowledge on music was quite limited to mostly newer artists, except for the names everyone knows. It made you wonder if there was a world that existed where he’d be the one to help you expand your musical palate. 

You shrugged, “I just like his music.” Then obliged to his request and handed the record over for him to take it gently. 

He carefully removed the black disc from the worn sleeve. “ ‘Aloha from Hawaii’ you know this is a live recording right?” He questioned as he spun the record by the edges with his fingertips.

You playfully rolled your eyes at how naive he assumed you’d be. You stumbled a bit in your turn towards the bed, the alcohol and fatigue starting to weigh you down. Finally, you reached the edge of the bed and plopped down. You watched as he precariously placed the record down and set the needle at its edge. It was a buzz at first before the grand orchestra intro broke through the silence like a punch. “Mhm, I do.” You hummed. “I love old live recordings. I think the banter with the audience is funny. Things were so different then.” 

He let out a small chuckle, “You’re so right actually.” He crossed the room to a mini fridge filled with what you saw a glimpse, just a bunch of drinks. “Water?” He plucked a fresh cold one out of the glaring white interior and held it out for you.

“Yes! Thank you!” You let out an excited sigh of relief as the alcohol and exertion had dried up your mouth. 

You snatched the water from his grasp and cracked it open before taking a greedy gulp. In the moment, that crisp cool water going down your throat felt like heaven. Your finger tapped your phone screen to illuminate it for the time, it was almost 3 am and you had no messages from your roommate. You sighed and flipped the phone upside down. “Nothing from Katie. Looks like I’m locked out of my room for the night. I don’t wanna intrude on whatever… is going on in there.” You’re focused on the water bottle in your hands, crinkling a bit with your fingers. “I can get out of your hair though, try to find a cheap motel or something.” You anxiously fiddled with your thumbs at the mere idea of doing that.

“Don’t worry about it, really. You can crash here, it’s not a problem.” He said, taking a sip of his own water. “You can even have my bed if you want, I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Oh, oh absolutely not!” You protested, using your arm to slice through the air. 

“Then you don’t mind sleeping next to me?” His voice was smoother than silk and it made a buzz fall to your core. You were now regretting your decision to debate his offer. How on earth were you supposed to fall asleep in the same room as him nonetheless beside him. 

“Nope, don’t mind!” Your voice coming out squeakier than expected and it brought warmth to your cheeks. 

His brows furrowed and perked up a bit at your response before following it with a playful smirk, like he had picked up on your nervousness and found it flattering. “Alright then.” 

He pulled open a drawer from his oak dresser and pulled out a stack of clothes before making his way to the small bathroom. When he emerged, his top half was baring his tanned skin while long sweatpants rode low on his exposed hip bones. You couldn’t help your eyes from taking a glance over, then quickly diverting your gaze away to not be caught admiring him.

He tossed his dirty clothes into a half empty hamper and made his way to the bed. He crawled beside you on the other side of the bed, pulling the gray duvet up over his shoulders. Despite he kept his distance, you could still feel the warmth radiating off of him. Against your better judgement, when you finally sunk into the bed you laid facing him since you weren’t ready to knock out just yet. His sheets smelled like cologne, woodsy and herby, similar to the patchouli in the room but with some added notes of bergamot and cedar. 

You tucked your hands flat in a prayer position under your cheek, looking at him. His brown eyes were already on you, a hint of surprise in them at your chosen position to face him.

“Thanks for saving me today.” You said quietly, just then noticing that he’d kept the record playing softly in the background. 

“It’s no big deal, Wallflower.” He matched your gentle tone with a soft smile. As silly as the nickname was, it didn't stop the swelling in your chest and the flutter in your heart. 

“I had a lot of fun tonight.” You added genuinely. Even though you got abandoned at the party and locked out of your dorm, it had been the best night you’d had so far since the semester began. 

He chuckled softly, his eyes flickering to your lips before meeting your gaze again. "We'll have to do it again."

You mirrored his glance for a moment, then smiled up at him. "Yeah, I’d really like that."

A comfortable silence settled between you, filled only by the soft music playing in the background. The warmth of his presence and the cozy scent of his sheets made you feel safe and content.

Between the long night and the calmness he brought, your eyelids grow heavy. As you let your eyes give way to slumber, a smile lingered on your lips, the events of the night replaying in your mind. In this unexpected place and with this unexpected person, you found a sense of comfort you hadn't anticipated. And for the first time since starting college, you felt truly excited about what it might bring.

Next Chapter -> 02 - I Can See You

Taglist; @deathblacksmoke @sacredthefran @measuredingold @persuasivus @broken0mens

A/N; Thank you so much for reading! Lmk how you liked it and if you want a part 2 🫣

[offtorivendell]

The possible significance of Azriel and Elain Archeron, the Embrace of Solas and Cthona, the paired blades Gwydion and Truth-Teller, and thin places; a theory

Disclaimer: this is a theory that came to me while reading HOFAS, and as usual it makes absolutely no claim of being canon. It builds on past theories that my friends and I have written about Elain, Azriel, the revival of certain lands, the blades Truth-Teller and Gwydion, and brings in some new info from the latest CC book. It also won't be my best effort, as time is currently lacking. I meant to get this out for @elriel-month but yeah, that didn't happen lol. As usual, rambles and overly long sentences ahead. Sorry!

Thanks as always go out to @wingedblooms and @silverlinedeyes for listening to me rant, and believing me when I say I'll actually get around to writing out my thoughts, even though it takes me ages. I love that so many of our theories tie in well together - please check out their theories, too!

Spoilers: Maasverse spoilers ahead, please proceed with caution if you haven't finished reading.

Gwydion (aka the Starsword) and Truth-Teller; the Made blades

In CC 1 we got a brief description of the stylised version of the Embrace of Solas and Cthona as a necklace, worn by Bryce's mother, Ember:

Five minutes after Bryce got there, Jesiba’s client—a raging asshole of a leopard shifter who believed he was entitled to put his paws all over her ass—prowled in and purchased a small statue of Solas and Cthona, portrayed as a sun with male features burying his face in a pair of mountain-shaped breasts. The holy image was known simply as the Embrace. Her mother even wore its simplified symbol—a circle nestled atop two triangles—as a silver pendant. But Bryce had always found the Embrace cheesy and cliché in every incarnation. - CC HOEAB, chapter 22

Firstly, could this be the (hypothetical) wyrdmark on the left shoulder of the figure on the HOFAS cover? The two mountains are there, but the mark between them isn't exactly a circle, so it's not blatantly obvious, but it's possible (I'd love it if the marks on her arms represented the different gods, or Urd in all of her forms). Perhaps light and dark light cancel each other out in some way? And how relevant will the spiral mark be? Does it represent a vortex/portal opening? Or is it the Cauldron's swirling eddies?

Secondly, I also think the two mountains/triangles and the circle/dot in between them look a little like a basic depiction of Gwydion/the Starsword and Truth-Teller (ie. the points of two blades) with a black dot/black hole/portal to nowhere. It's not exact, because the triangles aren't meeting at the tips, so I'm not super confident in it, but I don't think it's impossible, and it could tie back into the six pointed star, and three pairs of powers gathering in the space where they meet. I promise I'm not trying to claim every little thing for Elriel, and given Nesta has her own trio of Made blades, I suspect they could also be relevant here (if Narben is also found, then there would be six blades for the six siblings and six star points), but as Azriel and Elain were the first two to use Truth-Teller (in recent history), I think it's fair to consider their specific importance here.

Elain, Azriel and the Made blades

I've previously suggested that Elain may have powered Truth-Teller with her light, in order to pierce the fabric of the universe before shadow walking to save Nesta and Cassian in ACOWAR (here and here); this is a theory which is not unique to me, as quite a few of my friends think at least some version of it may be true. However, I believe that what we learnt in HOFAS about “thin places,” and the paired blades Gwydion (the Starsword) and Truth-Teller, could take this a step or three further.

To recap as briefly as possible, Elain previously used Truth-Teller to shadow walk in ACOWAR, and we have since had hints that she may use it again in the future. There are many questions left unanswered about Elain's successful use of what we now know is a Made blade, so we'll have to wait and see.

“You honestly think he’d ever give up Truth-Teller?” “He gave it to Elain,” Mor said, admiring a moonstone necklace in the counter’s glass case. “She gave it back,” I amended, failing to block out the image of the black blade piercing through the King of Hybern’s throat. But Elain had given it back—had pressed it into Azriel’s hands after the battle, just as he had pressed it into hers before. And then walked away without looking back. Mor hummed to herself. - ACOFAS, chapter 4

As a brief aside, there are also moments tying Elain to the shadows (whether or not it ends up being Azriel's shadows specifically, her own, or the Void in general remains to be seen), and I think we could find out that the middle Archeron sister, who is canonically observant and wise, may have learnt by watching.

Behind me, Mor took Nesta and Cassian by the hand, readying to winnow them to the camp, while shadows gathered around Azriel, Elain at his side, wide-eyed at the spymaster’s display. - ACOWAR, chapter 50

Does Elain hear Azriel's shadows singing, and can she and Azriel privately communicate this way?

Did she also hear his siphon singing beautifully in ACOWAR? Perhaps as kin?

The Truth-Teller scene in ACOWAR, below, was also important enough to be included in the ACOTAR Colouring Book.

She refused the knife Cassian handed her, though. Went white as death at the sight of it. Azriel, still limping, merely nudged aside Cassian and extended another option. “This is Truth-Teller,” he told her softly. “I won’t be using it today—so I want you to.” His wings had healed—though long, thin scars now raked down them. Still not strong enough, Madja had warned him, to fly today. The argument with Rhys this morning had been swift and brutal: Azriel insisted he could fly—fight with the legions, as they’d planned. Rhys refused. Cassian refused. Azriel threatened to slip into shadow and fight anyway. Rhys merely said that if he so much as tried, he’d chain Azriel to a tree. And Azriel … It was only when Mor had entered the tent and begged him—begged him with tears in her eyes—that he relented. Agreed to be eyes and ears and nothing else. And now, standing amongst the sighing meadow grasses in his Illyrian armor, all seven Siphons gleaming … Elain’s eyes widened at the obsidian-hilted blade in Azriel’s scarred hand. The runes on the dark scabbard. “It has never failed me once,” the shadowsinger said, the midday sun devoured by the dark blade. “Some people say it is magic and will always strike true.” He gently took her hand and pressed the hilt of the legendary blade into it. “It will serve you well.” “I—I don’t know how to use it—” “I’ll make sure you don’t have to,” I said, grass crunching as I stepped closer. Elain weighed my words … and slowly closed her fingers around the blade. Cassian gawked at Azriel, and I wondered how often Azriel had lent out that blade— Never, Rhys said from where he finished buckling on his own weapons against the side of the wagon. I have never once seen Azriel let another person touch that knife. Elain looked up at Azriel, their eyes meeting, his hand still lingering on the hilt of the blade. I saw the painting in my mind: the lovely fawn, blooming spring vibrant behind her. Standing before Death, shadows and terrors lurking over his shoulder. Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two. The only bridge of connection … that knife. Paint that when we get home. Busybody. - ACOWAR, chapter 69

Firstly, @silverlinedeyes has a post that details how similar this passage is to the six pointed star scene from HOSAB, and the potential significance of it with regards to magical balance and the gathering of power(s). It's outlandish, but I think it could be important for any travels to Hel or beyond that the IC may undertake.

Secondly, I find it really interesting that Elain said to Feyre she didn't know how to "use" Truth-Teller; what if she meant she didn't know how to use it magically? I suspect it's possible that Elain didn't open a portal to nowhere (which appears to require both of the paired blades - perhaps their singing wavelengths cancel each other out?), but rather she created a portal to somewhere, and that's how she shadow walked across the battlefield in ACOWAR (aka she "slipped into shadow" and fought anyway). However, as we all heard her say that she didn't know how to use Truth-Teller, but then did, she obviously figured at least some of it out.

Alternatively, as @wingedblooms, @mrspettyferr, @cassianfanclub and myself have all wondered, did she possibly have some help?!

Was it Azriel, who told us in his ACOSF bonus chapter that he didn't need his shadows to read Elain?

Perhaps is was Nuala or Cerridwen, or maybe even Rhys?

Was it Koschei, the Mother, or a prince of Hel who gave Elain a helping hand?

Even then, how did Elain (hypothetically, of course) activate Truth-Teller? Just like Ruhn found Gwydion and Bryce accessed its magic, so I suspect Azriel found Truth-Teller, but it was Elain who first truly used its power (whereas Nesta, who was at the time full of the Cauldron's death magic, appeared to use it as a simple blade, hastening the king's death after Elain struck a fatal blow). Was it because her light stood in for Gwydion’s own magic and charged it? Is that why Azriel - who I have long thought may have Starborn heritage hidden underneath his shadows - has dark light, or shadows, instead of light? Is Truth-Teller actually devouring his light? Or - less likely - could the obsidian (wyrdstone?) blade be possessed by a Valg, or similar being? Though I'm less certain about that last point, as I wouldn't be surprised if the king of Hybern was possessed by a Valg (or similar) type creature, maybe a Daglan, and if that was the case then why would Truth-Teller decide to behave for Elain, unless the Valg* and Asteri/Daglan are enemies… anyway!

*What we learnt in HOFAS, about the blackest salt/obsidian drawing in the princes of Hel (while simultaneously repelling the Asteri/Daglan) makes me wonder about their possible ties to the Valg from TOG, who used obsidian wyrdstone rings and collars as a way to possess host bodies.

I'm not sure. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because I think Truth-Teller and Gwydion could be stand ins for Elain and Azriel (not necessarily in that order, though I do think a dagger suits Elain better than a sword does in terms of function); a bond needing to be reforged between them has always screamed “renewed shall be blade that was broken” to me (the Ballad of Strider), and the Truth-Teller scene could be suggesting that the grey - as in the blend of light and dark - could be a thin place between them. It would follow that this imagery, albeit very loosely, could be evoking The Embrace of Solas and Cthona, which Ember wears as a necklace, and that could possibly be a wyrdmark on the cover of HOFAS.

“Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two..." Just seems so relevant here.

Cthona and Solas represent dark and light.

Gwydion/the Starsword and Truth-Teller are (bright) light and dark light.

Azriel and Elain are dark and light... or perhaps light and dark?

Are Void and Chaos (the Mother?) involved?

Is the statue of the primal goddess that Nesta notices in ACOSF another hint here?

If being carranam ties into this, would it include Feysand and Nessian?

Light and dark have grey in between them, and the thin places are described as “gray.” Elain was even engaged to a man named "Graysen" for crying out loud; his family’s colour was even cobalt. I would be so surprised if all of this ends up meaning absolutely nothing in terms of her story.

How could Elain and Azriel stand in for Cthona and Solas when Elain is light and Azriel is darkness?

I could definitely be wrong, but instead of purely life, I (and @wingedblooms) prefer to think of Elain as rebirth, which inherently straddles the murky realm between life and death - the grey between light and dark (and grey) - and beautifully fits with her role as a gardener (relevant theories are here, here, here and here), the Book of Breathings rambling about "rot and bloom and bone," her position as the middle Archeron sister, her ability to blend quietly into the background, and definitely the grey of dawn and dusk. Azriel, though? The one Feyre described as the knife in the dark? Well, he has shadows that can brighten into sunlight, and I suspect that may have been what Elain was referring to in ACOWAR, when she said she needed sunshine.

So...

Azriel's shadows lightening into sunshine: Solas.

Elain and her many ties to the earth: Cthona.

I'm unsure if this is trying to tell us that Azriel will be the stand-in for Truth-Teller, because he is "dark light"/has shadowsinging abilities, while Elain is represented by Gwydion due to her prominent (so far) association with hope or brighter light, or whether it's the other way around, and we're actually being told that, while Elain appears to be light and warmth personified, in the future she will carry Truth-Teller, the blade that is her apparent opposite, as Azriel will wield Gwydion* (if they both end up having surprise powers, being able to swap between light and dark). It's all very murky, one might say a grey area. But I do think it likely that Elain and Azriel will each end up carrying either a blade that represents themself or their partner in some way.

* Yes, I know that Bryce gave Gwydion to Nesta, but she already has her own trio of Made blades. If I'm putting money on who will wield it, I think it will be Azriel, Elain or Feyre.

Thin places and Made blades

Before HOFAS was published @cassianfanclub and I had discussed the - we thought - insane possibility of the differently coloured mountain rock in Prythian being significant in terms of their possible salt content, and that it could be no coincidence that the black and grey rock of the Hewn City was in proximity to a known appearance of one “Lord Thanatos.”

Black salts were used for summoning demons directly—bypassing the Northern Rift entirely—or for various dark spellwork. A salt that went beyond black, a salt like the obsidian … It could summon something big. - CC HOEAB, chapter 18

Bryce stiffened at the moldy, rotten earth scent that crept from the bundle as he unfolded the fabric to reveal a handful of rust-colored salt. “What the fuck is that?” Ithan asked. “Bloodsalt,” Bryce breathed. Tharion looked to her in question, but she didn’t bother to explain more. Blood for life, blood for death—it was summoning salt infused with the blood from a laboring mother’s sex and blood from a dying male’s throat. The two great transitions of a soul in and out of this world. But to use it here … “You can’t mean to add that to their water,” Bryce said to the Astronomer. The old male hobbled back down the ramp. “Their tanks already contain white salts. The bloodsalt will merely pinpoint their search.” - CC HOSAB, chapter 38

Mor went right up to the obsidian dais, and I halted at the foot of the steps as she took up a place beside the throne and said to the crowd in a voice that was clear and cruel and cunning, “Your High Lord approaches. He is in a foul mood, so I suggest being on your best behavior—unless you wish to be the evening entertainment.” - ACOMAF, chapter 42

The mountain underneath the House of Wind - the one that houses the library in which I think a certain cat-like darkness could be a prince of Hel - contains both red stone and obsidian doors, with veins of silver running throughout (which reads like hope in the void, like the Velaris Weaver's tapestry, and I suspect may be important for Elain's journey, given she is frequently associated with hope).

Rhys stepped into a hall at the foot of the stairs, revealing a wide passageway of carved red stone and a sealed set of obsidian doors, veins of silver running throughout. Beautiful���terrifying. Like some great beast was kept behind them. - ACOWAR, chapter 20

If @silverlinedeyes, @wingedblooms, @ladynightcourt, @cassianfanclub, @psychologynerd and I are right that Clotho and some of her priestesses are involved in something massive, and have been contacting at least one of the princes of Hel, this would make sense! Black salt to summon something big, and red salt to pinpoint their search. And obsidian doors?!

We then learnt the following in CC HOFAS:

“The black salt, in such high quantity, keeps them away. They never realized that its presence drew us as much as it repelled them,” Apollion said with satisfaction. “It has the same properties that made us immune to the thrall of their black crowns.” - CC HOFAS, chapter

“The black salt only repels the Asteri; the mists repel everyone else. But certain people, with certain gifts, can access the power of thin places—on any world. World-walkers.” Aidas gestured gracefully to Bryce. “You are one of them. So were Helena and Theia. Their natural abilities lent themselves to moving through the mists.” - CC HOFAS, chapter

Elain is almost certainly a world walker - doe eyes searching across the world! - and Azriel may be one as well, but what if it is everyone who can winnow? Or just those like them, with a deeper affinity to the Void? And are they walking thin places themselves/as a partnership (remember the charged glance they shared last winter solstice), or do they just have a natural ability to make use of those which exist in the wild? Or is it some combination of the above?

Additionally, the obsidian hilts of Truth-Teller and Gwydion appear to be incredibly important here. In addition to the possibility that the Illyrian runes Truth-Teller carries on its scabbard may in reality be wyrdmarks, what if the obsidian hilts both summon the bearer in a way that allows them to access the void/murky realm and provides protection from any prying Asteri/Daglan eyes? Are the hilts made from wyrdstone? What about Koschei? Is Truth-Teller the reason his magic captured Cassian instead of Azriel in ACOSF?

There are so many possibilities beyond shipping, though given this is romantasy we know the relationships are more important to the story than your average romantic side plot, so we really can't separate the two while theorising. But either way, I'm so excited to see where this leads, and if we'll finally get detailed information about the gods in each or SJM's worlds, and how they may function throughout her extensive literary universe.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading!

[daisynik7]

Rush

Chapter 7: Don't Blame Me

Pairing: Eren Jaeger x f!reader

Rating: Explicit

cw: vaginal fingering, handjob, mutual masturbation, cunnilingus, vaginal sex (missionary), creampie

Summary: Your relationship with Eren becomes more intense and more complicated than you ever bargained for.

Notes: Beer pong rules are different for everyone. Personally, I always thought it was gross having to drink the alcohol from the cup the ball lands in. That thing is tossed all over the place (like the nasty floor). These rules are a slight variation. Also, RIP Sandra’s bedsheets lol. Song is “Don’t Blame Me” by Taylor Swift.

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Playing beer pong versus your fuck buddy Eren Jaeger with a Spartan warrior as your partner is not what you expected when you agreed to go out on Halloween night. 

Mike drags you through the crowd, coaxing you into playing the game alongside him. Nearing the beer pong table, you notice Eren standing to the side next to a Delta Mu who’s dressed in a bumblebee costume. 

“Has anyone called dibs for the next round?” Mike addresses the crowd. “This angel and I would like to play next.”

When no one claims it, he looks at you, grinning. “You ready?”

“Sure. But I might be really bad.”

“It’s easy. Just throw the ball into one of the cups. If you make it, they have to take a shot.” He points at a small table to the side that has rows of shots lined up. “If they make it, we have to drink.” He puts his arm around you. “Don’t worry. I’ll teach you.”

You and Mike step towards the table at one end, rearranging the cups in the standard triangle formation, checking that they are still partially filled with water. Across from you is Eren and the Delta Mu woman. The opposing team. 

“Eren! My man. I guess we’re playing you. What’s your pretty friend’s name?”

“I’m Pieck,” she responds with a friendly wave. You return her smile, introducing yourself. You sneak a quick glance at Eren, who wears a scowl. He doesn’t look at you; his focus is on the cups on your side of the table. 

What’s going on in that head of his? Is he taking this game that seriously? 

Or could it be that he’s jealous? 

Eren, who fucks you like a madman then cuddles you lovingly, only to pretend that you don’t exist. Eren, who calls you baby and sweetie as he plows you into his mattress but acts as if he doesn’t remember your name at the parties. Eren, the man who refuses to share a meal together in public, while being totally obsessed with eating you out.

Can the guy who refuses to recognize any feelings for you really be jealous? 

You decide to test it out. 

Mike asks, “You guys want to go first?”

“Sure,” Pieck answers, offering the ball to her partner. 

He still doesn’t speak while he lines himself up and releases the ping pong ball, sinking it directly into the middle cup. 

“Nice,” Mike compliments. Eren simply shrugs. The urge to roll your eyes at his forced indifference is strong, but you manage to reel it in. 

Mike reaches over to the other table to grab a shot, ready to chug it until Eren finally talks, demanding, “I want her to take it.”

You look at him, startled by his sudden acknowledgment of you. He stares at you with an intensity you’ve never seen before. You recognize a hint of a smirk on his face. A glint of wickedness in his eyes.

“Fine,” you oblige, taking the liquor away from Mike and throwing it back. It burns trickling down your throat, but you do your best to avoid a grimace, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing you falter.

“Can I take the first shot, Mike?” you ask your teammate. 

“Of course.”

“Can you show me how?” 

It isn’t difficult to throw a ping pong ball. You’re fully aware of how this simple game works. But with Eren staring daggers from across the table, you can’t help but milk this for all it’s worth. And knowing Mike, he’s going to take full advantage of teaching you all the right ways to play this silly game. 

He stands behind you, his voice low and husky. “You gotta angle your body, make sure you’re center.” Hands on your waist, he positions you correctly, pressing himself against you. His warm breath grazes your ear. “Just shoot straight and you’ll make it. You got this.”

Eyes forward, you avert Eren’s glare as you release your arm and toss the ball, landing it at the top of the triangle.

“Atta girl!” Mike exclaims, rubbing your shoulders. 

“I think the lifeguard should take the shot.” You point at Eren, refusing to say his name. He walks to the table and chugs it, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His brow twitches, either from annoyance or amusement.

The game continues, Pieck going next and scoring, resulting in Mike drinking. This goes back and forth, tosses sometimes landing and sometimes not. Whenever either of you make it into a cup, you and Mike high five each other. A few times, he gives you a one-armed hug. Even once does he smack your butt, which at this point, you’re tipsy enough to not be embarrassed by. 

Eren broods in your direction, not at all interacting with his poor teammate, who still seems to be enjoying herself. You and Eren are playing your own private game with each other, your partners totally unaware of the unspoken tension hanging in the air. Every time he scores, his gaze drifts towards you, a slight crack in that frown of his, trying to contain the cocky smirk you know he wants to show off. 

Just a few cups left on both sides of the table, Mike prepares to launch his attack. Before he does, he turns to you, raising the ball to your face. “Blow on it. For good luck,” Mike says, winking. You give him a cheeky grin as you blow out a puff of air into his fist. From your peripheral, you see Eren roll his eyes, giving you a sense of satisfaction. 

It goes into the second to last cup on their side. Eren lets out an obvious groan, retrieving a shot from the table and downing it aggressively. Slightly wobbly, he gets ready for his turn. It lands into the corner cup, leaving one remaining on both sides now. 

Pieck and you both miss on your turns. There’s still one cup remaining at the very end of the table as Mike prepares to throw. 

“How about a kiss this time?” he asks you, tapping on his cheek. “For good luck, of course.” 

You hesitate for a split second, fully aware that Eren is watching. You want to see how far you can push his buttons. How upset you can make him. If he truly doesn’t have feelings for you, he wouldn’t care about your actions. But here he is, huffing and puffing all night because of a silly game. Maybe if you up the ante, he’ll break.

Besides, this is payback for all the times he made you feel like shit.

Leaning in with a pout, you plant an obnoxious smooch on Mike’s cheek. Smiling, he propels the ball and lands it straight into the remaining cup, winning the game.

The nearby crowd cheers, patting you and Mike on the shoulders. Smiling, you wrap your arms around his neck as he embraces you in return, his hands gliding to your waist. Eren stands at the other side, jaw and fists clenched. Pieck has a grin on her face, clapping. 

Mike reaches out to them. “Great game you two. That was fun.” You follow suit, shaking Pieck’s hand first. When you approach Eren, he takes your hand and squeezes it gently, thumb brushing lightly over your knuckles. You can almost feel him tugging you in closer, but he doesn’t. As soon as you let go, you miss the feeling of his skin on yours.

With one last glance at you, he goes to the corner where his big bro and Bertolt are, crossing his arms, sulking. 

Back to the same bullshit. 

Thinking this is the last interaction you’ll have with him tonight, you join your friends again in the kitchen, bragging about your win. 

“Eren looks pissed,” Connie chuckles. “He must really hate losing.”

“He looked like that the entire time. I feel bad for Pieck, but she was a good sport,” Mike mentions. He turns to you, smiling. “You did great, by the way.”

You wave him off. “Beginner’s luck. Besides, I had a really good teacher.”

“Yeah? I can teach you something else. If you’re up for it.” There’s thirst dripping from his low voice. You’re nervous and excited all at once, cheeks flushed with heat from the alcohol you’ve been consuming. Feeling a little reckless and loose.  

Entertaining the idea, you ask him, “What do you mean?”

He leans into you, breath hot on your ear, the sickly-sweet smell of liquor wafting from his mouth. “Follow me.” 

You swallow the saliva collecting on your tongue, letting him lead you out the kitchen. Mikasa wolf whistles, causing the rest of your friends to giggle while you head upstairs.

The two of you enter the first bedroom in the hallway, Mike shutting the door behind him. He steps towards you, brushing a few strands of hair behind your ear. You look at him, lips parted and breath shallow as he leans in closer to kiss you. 

His lips are plush on yours, facial hair rough against your skin. Your tongues slide around each other’s, kisses getting messier as he directs you to the bed. You lie on your back, angel wings crushed beneath you, legs dangling off the edge. He surrounds you, scattering soft kisses onto your neck. 

His body is hot and heavy. Your skin tingles with frenzy having him on top of you like this. 

But it doesn’t feel right. 

“Mike.” His name sounds foreign on your tongue. Unfamiliar and new. 

“Is this okay?”

“Yes. But I…” your voice trails off as his fingers drift down to fondle your breasts. His hands are bigger than Eren’s. The itch of his mustache on your neck is unusual. 

“What is it? What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” He turns his face up to suck on your ear lobe, dragging it down with his lips. More heat rushes into your cheeks, overwhelmed by the sensation growing between your legs. You’re aroused; there’s no denying it. He’s sexy and titillating. Still, something isn’t right. 

It has nothing to do with him. It’s you.

You’re thinking about Eren. 

As Mike reaches the hem of your angel dress, you can’t help imagining Eren on top of you instead, his nimble fingers toying with the fabric of your white lacey panties. He mutters, “Fuck,” rubbing at the wet spot from your arousal. “Can I finger you?” 

In a daze, you nod, feeling his middle finger slip pass the lace into your slick entrance. 

“Fuck,” he groans. “You’re a good girl, aren’t you?”

In your mind, Mike’s dirty words are replaced with Eren’s low voice whispering good girl to you over and over again. The thought of him makes you wetter as Mike continues to pump into you.

“Can you jerk me off, princess?” He kneels beside you, shoving his Spartan kilt down his waist to free his erection. You wrap your hand around his shaft, stroking him. Wishing it were Eren instead.

Another finger slips into your pussy while he thrusts into your fist, grunting. You lie still on the bed next to him, flustered and hasty for him to come. Feeling guilty, thinking of someone else as he tries to pleasure you. He’s nice, he’s fun, he likes you. 

It’s not the same. He’s not Eren.

Mike’s dick twitches in your fist as he orgasms, cum dribbling out of his slit and dripping down your knuckles. He pulls out of you, observing your slick on his fingers. “Did you come?”

“Yes.” It’s a lie. You didn’t. 

Chuckling, he kisses you. He hoists up his kilt and hops off the bed. “Should we head back to the party?”

You sit up, stretching your defiled hand out. “I’m going to use the bathroom first. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

“Right. See you later.” He gives you a wink before exiting the room. 

Conveniently, there’s a bathroom in the bedroom. You walk to the sink, rinsing Mike’s cum from your hands. Searching the cabinets and drawers, you find a pack of baby wipes and clean yourself up, removing any evidence of your naughty deed.

Finally alone, you let out a prolonged sigh, processing what just happened. Everything feels wrong. Mike has been nothing but kind to you. And yet, Eren still lingers in the back of your mind. You’re in deeper than you ever expected. No matter how much you try to escape him, you always find yourself back in his clutches. It’s your own fault for letting yourself sink so far down the abyss. 

Checking yourself in the mirror one more time, you exit the bathroom. You’re startled to see an all too familiar figure leaning against the closed door of the bedroom. 

~~~

Eren doesn’t remember the last time he got jealous. In fact, he never gets jealous. 

That is, until tonight. 

He didn’t think he’d be playing beer pong with her and Mike fucking Zacharias. His whole plan was to do this foolish game to escape any interaction with them throughout the party. 

Maybe it’s karma. All the times he’s disappointed her are coming back to haunt him. The universe is telling him that he has to suffer for what he’s done. 

And suffer he does. He hates seeing them exchange high fives, one-armed hugs, little touches. Watching Mike rub her shoulders, even smack her ass at one point. The way he leans in close, just to show her how to throw a fucking ball into a cup. It’s repulsive. It makes him sick. 

She’s no better. She knows exactly what she’s doing, giving him little glances all while flirting with his frat brother. Challenging him. Testing him. It’s diabolical. 

It makes him want her more. 

He doesn’t focus on anything else besides her the entire time. Each shot he lands is to impress her. To prove something to her. Prove that he’s just as good as Mike fucking Zacharias.

When they lose, he’s tempted to flip over the goddamn table. Mike getting all the fucking glory for doing the bare ass minimum is revolting. She’s eating it all up, wrapping her arms around his neck, letting him put his hands on her waist. Eren doesn’t miss any of these tiny details. He memorizes it, stores it in his brain for later for whenever he wants his blood to boil. 

He’s jealous. He’s very fucking jealous. 

She comes here, dressed in that, only to ignore him the whole night to focus all her attention on Mike. It’s a taste of his own medicine, and he doesn’t appreciate it one bit. He’s losing his mind over it. Does he deserve it? Absolutely. He knows he’s been a dick to her. Still, it doesn’t feel good to have it handed back to him like this. 

He retreats to the side of the room where Reiner and Bertolt are, chatting with their friends Porco and Marcel. Reiner nods in greeting before saying, “Can’t believe you let Mike and that SNK girl beat you.”

“Whatever. It’s a stupid game.”

“At least you got to play with Pieck. She’s hot, right? Think you’ll hook up with her tonight?”

Eren forces a grin. “Yeah, maybe.” He won’t, but he doesn’t want to deal with Reiner at the moment. 

Porco joins them, pointing his thumb in the direction of the kitchen. “I’ve never seen Sigma Nu Kappa’s out at a party before. So weird. I thought they didn’t go out.”

Reiner rolls his eyes. “I wish they weren’t here. It’s killing the vibe.”

“What’s your beef with them?”

“I just don’t like seeing ugly bitches at a party,” he says, a shit-eating grin on his face.

Porco snickers, “You’re fucked up man.”

Bertolt remains his quiet self, observing Annie from afar as she talks to Armin by the refrigerator. Eren crosses his arms over his chest, exhaling deeply. He’s always known that his big bro is an asshole. It hasn’t bothered him much before, but for some reason, it irks him now. Reiner has made no efforts to socialize with any of the women of Sigma Nu Kappa. For him to spew misogynistic comments shamelessly solidifies the fact that he is a dick. 

Is Eren any better though? 

Reiner nudges him, asking, “Isn’t the chick you played the one who was with us at the food bank? She said some stupid shit about me having a shitty personality.”

He’s taken aback by his acknowledgement of her. “Uh, yeah. That’s her.” There’s a lump in his throat, nervous for what his big bro is about to say next. 

“Mike is all up on her. He really is a dog. Always going for the virgins and fresh meat.”

Alarms start ringing in Eren’s mind. As if he couldn’t hate Mike Zacharias even more, Reiner has to mention this. There’s a growing dread building in his chest, imagining the two of them together, Mike defiling her the way he did not too long ago. His ears are hot, either from the rage surging through his body or the alcohol he’s guzzled throughout the night. Is he supposed to stand here and watch this unfold in front of him? 

He watches Mike lead her away from the kitchen and up the stairs. She’s actually going through with it. 

Frozen in place, he stares at the staircase in the dark hallway, waiting for her to come down any minute, hoping she changes her mind. After several minutes, his hope dwindles, fearing the worst. Should he barge in and interrupt them? No, that’s fucking crazy. They’re not a couple. He has no right to stop her from hooking up with other guys. No right at all.

Several minutes pass. Mike descends the stairs with a goofy expression. Eren makes his move. He maneuvers through the crowd, sneaking into the kitchen to eavesdrop. The Sigma Nu Kappa sisters have since retreated to the dance floor, Armin and Connie joining them. Mike is surrounded by Erwin and a few men that Eren recognizes from another fraternity. He opens the fridge, hiding himself behind the door, listening.

“Where have you been, Mike?”  

“Just hanging out with a friend upstairs,” Mike answers. He can practically hear the cocky smirk forming on the douchebag’s face.

Erwin says, “I hope you were a complete gentleman to her. She’s a good girl.”

“Yeah, she is a very good girl, if you know what I mean.”

Eren nearly punctures the can of beer settled in his grip, but he keeps his cool and continues to listen. 

“Does Big Mike have a new girlfriend now?” one of the men teases.

“Whoa, hey. She’s a nice girl, but you know I don’t really do girlfriends. We’re just having a little fun together.”

“Where is she?”

Mike chuckles. “She’s still upstairs, cleaning herself up. Left a mess up there.”

Eren slams the refrigerator shut, having heard enough. Before he knows it, he’s dashing up the stairs, trying to determine which room she’s in. He goes into the first one, turning the handle slowly to check if it’s unlocked. When he enters, he notices a small lamp illuminated on the bedside drawer. There’s a sound of rushing water from a faucet. He turns in the direction of the bathroom, which is currently occupied. Shutting the door quietly, he leans against it, waiting with palms pressed to the wood in anticipation.

When she opens the bathroom door, her eyes widen at his unexpected appearance. “Eren?”

He fucking loves the way she says his name. She hasn’t said it all night until now, and he feels himself melting because of it. 

“Hey.” 

“What are you doing here?” She moves to the bed, sitting at the edge. 

“I wanted to check on you.” He steps towards her, noticing the halo sitting crooked on her head. He reaches out to adjust it, hand gliding down her hair to tuck it behind her ear. 

She peers up at him with delicate eyes, watching him carefully. “How did you know I was in here?” 

“I overheard Mike talking.”

“What did he say?” She sounds embarrassed. He isn’t afraid to rat Mike out for being a total idiot. 

“That you are a good girl. How the two of you are having fun together. Said you left a mess up here.”

She buries her face into her palms. “I can’t believe he’s telling people.”

“So, what did you do? Did he fuck you?” He doesn’t care anymore how brazen he’s being. He wants to know. He needs to know. The curiosity is eating away at him like acid.

She crosses her arms, taking a defensive stance. “Does it matter? It’s not like you and I are exclusive.” They’re fighting words. Hostile, especially that last statement. 

He shrugs, trying to seem unbothered. “I’m just curious.”

Stalling for a few seconds, she finally confesses. “He fingered me, and I gave him a handjob. That’s it.”

Despite his cool disposition, deep down, Eren can’t help but celebrate. That’s it. As if it was underwhelming. Mediocre. 

They’re silent, neither knowing how else to continue this conversation. She changes the subject, leaning back on her hands, asking, “Whose bright idea was it to put you in some red shorts and call you a lifeguard? It’s very half-assed.” 

He smirks at another one of her witty comments. The tension appears to be easing up a bit. “Hey, I’ve got a whistle on my neck, too. How much more accurate can I get?”

“Maybe if you perform mouth-to-mouth, it’ll be more believable.” She stands to tug at his whistle, pulling him in closer. 

“You’re naughty for an angel. You sure you’re not the devil in disguise?” He places his hands on her waist, lips grazing her ear. Fingers flirting with the risqué tear on her dress. “God, you drive me crazy. Getting me all riled up and shit during the game. Was that your plan all along? Make me jealous so I would fuck you like a slut?” His cock hardens beneath his shorts, the promise of sex palpable in the confined space between them.

There’s a mischievous smile on her face as she glides her hands up his bare chest. “So you were jealous. Interesting.” She tips her head towards his, lips barely touching as she whispers. “And who says you can fuck me tonight?” 

Before he can close the gap, she turns her back to him, slowly sliding the hem of her dress over her waist to reveal white lacey panties. 

His knees buckle. “Fuck, when did you get these?” He skims his thumb underneath the fabric, tugging it away just to hear it snap against her skin. 

“I bought them for my costume. Do you like it?” She cranes her neck to give him a playful smile, teasing him. It’s so fucking sexy. 

“What do you think? Look how hard I am for you.” He shoves his shorts down to free his erection, stroking himself as he marvels at her beautiful form in front of him. 

“I’m not going to give it to you that easy.” She lowers her dress and turns to face him again. Eyes gleaming with something Eren has never seen before. “You need to work for it.”

This is a different side of her. Usually, she’s obedient to him. Now, she’s tormenting him. Forcing him to beg for it. And he finds himself more than willing to do it.

“What do you want me to do? I’ll do it,” he mutters, salivating. Cock unbelievably hard in his fist, shorts pooled around his ankles. 

“Get on your knees.”

Without a second thought, he kicks his shorts aside and kneels on the floor, gazing up at her. Worshipping her. She presses herself against his face. He inhales deeply, taking in her scent. 

“You want me, Eren?” She grabs the top of his head by his hair and shoves it towards her clothed pussy. “Tell me you want me. Beg for it.”

“Fuck. I want you. I want you so bad. Please.” He continues to stroke his dick as she smothers him with her sweet cunt. 

She lifts the hem of her dress again, revealing the lingerie. Eren opens his mouth to feel the fabric on his tongue, licking at her covered clit. Frantic for any part of her that she’ll give him. 

“Were you really jealous?” 

“Can you blame me? You have no idea how fucking sexy you are. I want you all to myself.” 

“You do?”

He nods, rubbing his face across the lace covering her bud. Her slick seeps through the thin fabric, inviting him to indulge in her arousal. A guttural moan escapes from him as he sucks on it with his lips, drawing out as much of her as he possibly can. 

“Have you been with other girls?”

He shakes his head earnestly. “No. I haven’t.” This is the absolute truth. He hasn’t been with anyone else besides her. No matter how much he wants to live out this fuck boy lifestyle he idealizes, he can’t. Not while she’s around.

“And do you still want me? Even after someone else has touched me?” Her voice trembles. Guilt-ridden. Remorseful. She doesn’t need to be. 

He pulls away to gaze at her, confessing with conviction, “I want you more than anything.” 

Her breath hitches before she demands, “Take them off.” 

On her command, his hands slide up the sides of her legs, delighting in the familiar softness of her skin. He drags the white lace off her body, cock rigid against his abdomen, electricity surging through his veins. Patiently waiting to have her, to hold her, to be inside her. 

She picks up her feet to help him remove her panties completely. “You like feeling it on your cock, don’t you? Show me how you do it.”

“Holy fuck, you’re bad,” he groans, taking the lingerie and wrapping it around his stiff cock. Knowing these were just on her makes him even harder. He doesn’t know how much more he can take. It’s agonizing and thrilling all at the same time, having the roles reversed. He’s delirious under her will.

She walks backwards towards the bed, sitting at the edge again. Thighs spread enough to show him her luscious, glistening pussy. Eren’s not even a little embarrassed at the expression he’s making. Slack-jawed, eyes glazed, totally dumb and drooling over the vision before him. He has no shame anymore. He wants her. He wants all of her. 

He crawls over to position himself between her thighs, leaning in until he’s stopped. 

“Not yet. I want you to watch me play with myself.”

Fuck. His cock aches in the best possible way, enduring her torment as she leans back, masturbating in front of him, massaging circles onto her clit with a naughty look on her face. She knows what she’s doing to him. She’s enjoying it. Relishing how deranged he’s getting from being teased like this. 

“Let me eat it. Please, baby. I need it. Please.” He sticks his tongue out, too fucking eager to pleasure her, to be the reason she moans in ecstasy. Her fingers look delicious, shimmering in her arousal as she works them into her sopping cunt. 

“Go ahead. Give it to me.”

Arms spreading her open, he presses his face into her, lapping her up like a fucking rabid animal. He’s out of control, fisting his cock vigorously as he fucks her with his mouth, cherishing every emphatic moan she breathes out. The sounds of the party below are overtaken by the wet noises of Eren’s face buried in her arousal. The bass of the music from the stereo speakers is drowned by the pounding of his heart driven by adrenaline.

He slips one finger into her easily, then another. Pumping them in and out as he slobbers all over her puffy clit, sucking and licking as if his life depends on it. It’s erotic, obscene. Nasty. He wants to make a fucking mess. He yearns to see her pussy drip with cum and his spit. 

She starts to chant his name, gripping the sheets into fists and rocking against his sloppy face, climax quickly approaching.

“Come for me. Come all over my face, sweet angel,” he murmurs into her skin, delighting in the way she tightens around his fingers, now coated in her slick.  

“Fuck, Eren!” she cries out, bucking her hips as she orgasms on his face. The temptation to come with her is staggering, but the desire to make love to her overtakes it. 

“Baby,” he hums, kissing her swollen bud. “I want to come inside you. Will you let me? Please?”

In her blissful state, she manages a small nod while she scoots up the bed, laying her head on one of the pillows. He sits adjacent and starts to undress her, first by extracting the disheveled wings off her back. The halo is next, his fingers carefully tugging it from her hair, ensuring not to yank on any loose strands. He leans in to kiss her on the lips, face still damp with her wetness as he slips his tongue into her mouth. 

“He didn’t make you come, did he?” he asks, reaching for the bottom of her dress to hoist it off her.

“How’d you know?” She raises her arms above her to shimmy out of her costume. 

“I know your body. I’ve memorized everything about it.” He kisses her forehead, feeling her back to unclasp her bra. When she’s finally naked, he caresses her breast, lightly pinching her nipple between his thumb and forefinger until it’s firm to the touch. They kiss passionately while he positions himself on top of her. 

“Tell me what you want,” he mutters to her. “I’ll give you whatever you want.”

She gazes at him, eyes flickering with anticipation and desire. “Make love to me.”

His heart beats faster. He smiles at her, whispering, “As you wish.”

~~~

He gently guides his cock into you, filling you in the most exquisite way. Your wet and needy cunt swallows him up perfectly. Once his whole length is inside you, he starts to thrust slowly, only increasing the pace when you wrap your legs around him, gasping in pleasure. You start to unravel beneath him, still dizzy from your first orgasm and so fucking desperate for the next.  

“You’re a greedy little slut tonight, huh? Getting finger fucked by Mike and now taking my cock,” he grunts out.

“Fuck, Eren. Right there. Keep fucking me like this,” you encourage him, tightening your hold on his waist. 

“He doesn’t make you come the way I do, does he?” 

You shake your head, agreeing with him. Unable to speak coherently to validate his statement. 

“I want to hear you say it.” He slows his thrusts, penetrating you deeper, hitting that sweet spot he always finds oh so easily. 

It’s exhilarating, has your heart racing and thumping in your chest. All you can muster is a frazzled, “Fuck.”

“Say it,” he demands again, aggression in his gruff voice. 

You swallow hard, blurting out, “He doesn’t make me come the way you do.”

He picks up the pace again, his cock pounding into you mercilessly. “It’s your fault I’m like this. For making me addicted to you.” 

His fingers travel down to your arousal, caressing your overstimulated clit. The sensation causes you to cry out his name. Your body feels on fire, a fever spreading from your core all the way to your fingertips.

“I can’t get enough of you. I want you all the time.” He slips his tongue into your mouth, his saliva spilling down your throat. Determined to fill you with as much of him as he possibly can. All you can do is whimper and succumb to the madness.

You grind your hips on him, matching his rhythm. He growls, “Fuck me, baby. Just like that. Fuck me. Make me come. Let me fill you with my fucking load. I’m so fucking close.” 

He slides his hands up your arms, holding them above your head. Interlocking his fingers with yours, fucking you senseless into the mattress. You can’t formulate words, only moans pour out of your mouth. Feeling your second climax approaching, you manage to breathe out a staggered, “Coming.”

Eren whimpers your name, moaning, “Fuck, baby. I’m coming too. I’m coming with you.” Your pussy tightens around him, gushing all over his cock as he releases inside you, filling you with his load. His eyes are shut tight, focused on riding out his high. 

When he’s done, he pulls out of you, cock dripping with cum. He retrieves your lingerie from the floor and slides them up across your legs and ass until they’re back on you. “Can you keep my cum inside you the rest of the night, baby? Please?”  

You nod at him with a dazed look on your face. He smiles at you, leaning down to nuzzle his nose against yours. You kiss, tongues out and mouths open, licking each other sloppily in the afterglow of your rapture. He cups your cheek, thumb brushing your skin tenderly. It’s different from all the other times. It means something. 

You let out a giggle, feeling relaxed beside him. He kisses you on the forehead, then once more on the lips. The two of your remain silent, basking in each other’s warmth for one more minute. 

“We should probably go back to the party,” you suggest.

He chuckles. “Yeah. I guess.”

The two of you hastily clean up the mess you made. He helps you with your costume, giving you soft kisses while readjusting the halo on your head and the angel wings on your back. Double checking yourselves in the vanity mirror one last time, you walk to the door, turning the handle to leave.

When you open it, you hear shuffling and snickering on the other side. You step away from the door to inspect whoever’s been eavesdropping. It takes a few seconds to register in the dimly lit hallway, but when your eyes meet, you recognize them instantly

Hitch and Annie stand against the banister, shocked expressions on their faces. Staring at you, Eren, then back to you.

“What the fuck?” Annie yells out immediately. 

“That was you two in there?” Hitch asks.

You’re at a loss for words as Eren glares at them. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“We needed to pee, and the bathroom downstairs had a long line. Sandra said we can use her room,” Hitch quickly explains, twiddling her thumbs nervously. 

“What the fuck?” Annie repeats. 

“I’m outta here.” He leaves in a hurry, shutting the bedroom door behind him as he sprints down the stairs. Leaving you alone to deal with the shitstorm that’s about to unfold.

For a third time, Annie states, “What the fuck.” 

Hitch says your name softly before asking, “Are you two together?”

Shocked, confused, and alone, you’re unsure how to respond to the current situation you find yourself in. Eren just up and left you to deal with it on your own. 

You stammer, “I…Yes. Well, no. We’re not together.”

“What then? You’re just fucking?” Annie spits out, clear disgust in her voice.

You give her a simple nod, reluctant to say your answer out loud.  

She hisses out your name, exasperated. “Are you fucking crazy? You’re fucking Eren fucking Jaeger?”

Hitch tries to calm her as you stand there, rooted to the floor, a rush of thoughts clouding your brain. The secret is out, Annie is pissed, and you’re alone. 

“How long has this been going for?” Hitch looks at you with a concerned expression on her face.

“A couple weeks.” There’s no use in lying to them now. Lying will only make it worse. “No one knows. Not even Mikasa.”

“Why is it a secret? Did Eren put you up to this?” 

You hesitate for a few seconds, contemplating how you want to answer. “It was a mutual agreement.”

Annie’s voice rings out again. “That’s bullshit. He told you to keep it a secret, didn’t he? And like the dummy you are, you agreed. Am I right? Or am I right?” Her words hurt, not because she’s trying to be malicious. But because it’s the truth.

“Annie, cut her some slack.”

“No, I will not. You’re better than this. You deserve better than this.” 

You do your best to blink away the tears welling up in your eyes. This is not happening right now. Your mind is all over the place. “You don’t know him, Annie.” Your voice is small; it comes out as barely a whisper.

“Do you?”

“Of course I do.” That’s what you want to think anyways. In all honesty, Eren remains a mystery to you. 

In a softer tone, Annie says, “He will break your heart. I guarantee you.”

“Annie,” Hitch warns.

She continues. “Guys like him will say whatever you want to hear so they can get what they want. He’s using you. You’re too naïve and stupid to realize it.”

“Annie.” 

“There are people who care about you. And you choose to waste your time on him? You have to end it. Before you really get hurt.”

She’s right. It stings to hear it, but it’s all true. Can you take to heart all of what he says to you in the bedroom? Or is it all a ruse like Annie suspects? 

Still, you can’t let it go just yet. Not when there’s an inkling of hope in the dark void. 

“Give me time. I think…I think maybe he likes me.” Sniffling, you wipe the tears away from your cheek. 

Hitch comes beside you, rubbing your back affectionately. “If he really likes you, it wouldn’t be this complicated.”

Annie nods in agreement, her tough exterior softening as she steps forward to console you.

In a span of just a few minutes, you find yourself reeling from your immense high only to come crashing down to a new low.  

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End Notes: Thank you VERY much to everyone who’s read, liked, reblogged, or commented on this story so far. I can’t even begin to describe how much it means to me and how much I appreciate every single interaction! If you’d like to be added to the tag list for all future chapters, go ahead and interact with the Tag List post (linked above) or comment below. You are all the best! Thank you 🥰

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Tag list: @roronoazorosbxtchh @f4irycafe @hello-juuliana @sideofthemoonn @imaddicted-b @belovedackerman @alicebleu @bunnyxgirlxo @butterfly-skinnylegend @bettydes8 @invisible-mori @yesv01 @letig0 @av-sos @stevelacyismyhusband @redhalia111 @rheeves @arminsgfloll @ayaahaddadd @kashxyou @midnightdrearyyy @mxddietherat @ilygia777 @6sakusa @nonsensicalblogging @chrollohearttags @erenputurchildreninsideme @batafuraikisu @berriesandcrem @trippycolours @alocalsimmer @liliorsstuff-blog @unfoldingmysteries @privthemis @sadprincelyhours @thelovewitch0v0 @hippiecultz @silver-foxling-blog @eren-slut @littlelaur27 @mokyowife @thenamesaceee @mxnst3rz @itswhits @diamandveins @ritzzberitzz @xartisticoutletx @izukusupreme @erensfavblackie @sniffindaisies

[ladyluscinia]

Tell me if you've seen this one.

You're watching a romcom. A beautiful woman with a wealthy, city-boy fiancé goes to visit family in a small town. (Let's be honest... It's Christmas. It's basically always Christmas.) While there, she has an instant connection with the film's hot small-town love interest and starts reevaluating her city life. Does the fiancé work too much, or not like dogs? (Does he not understand the joy of Santa Claus?) At the movie's end, she makes a dramatic choice to break off her engagement, quit her job, and move back home to date the guy who was obviously the only love interest in play all movie long.

It's a very standard romcom love triangle.

It's also the kind of love triangle that OFMD is setting up, with Izzy and Stede antagonizing each other and representing two possibilities for Edward to choose... all the way down to how the final choice has been pretty obvious from the start. He's going to end up with Stede. (And hopefully have an overall better written arc than the one described above. That's a standard romcom, but not often a good one!)

Now, this works because love triangles are a narrative tool. They can be purely a source of shipping drama (especially in a drama genre) like tumblr fandoms seem to define them as, but that's only one variation, and far from the most interesting. Or even, I would argue, the most common.

So let's get into what love triangles actually are, and how this applies.

---

I would say most stories - especially character focused ones - use a love triangle as a way to take an abstract choice the protagonist needs to make, and give it some grounded symbolism in the love interests.

Hell, even in its most basic forms, there is a reason the most classic love triangles are a man choosing between Good Girl "Betty" vs Bad Girl "Veronica" or a woman choosing either the Respectable Gentleman or the Sexy Scoundrel. Which love interest the author makes endgame will correlate pretty strongly with whether the story ends on social conformity or encouraging passion, and social conformity always has the edge. This comes through even when the character differences are mostly personality, but it will get a lot more blatant if something like "finding a spouse" is a major plot point and we start getting material concerns like finances involved.

OFMD, though, is not really being basic about this - the ship for a "social conformity" option has long sailed, for one - so what are some more complex choices?

First, we can loop back to the small town Christmas romcom from the start. The men are potential lifestyles. The protagonist starts in very career / finance focused place with a partner from the same. They won't have children or be planning for them. The new guy is small town living - community, family, holidays, etc. He's got a respectable working class job. Maybe a kid. He'd be traumatized by an urban public transport map but he can probably ride a horse. These movies are targeted at small town housewives, so the "better" lifestyle is that one.

Or, another great example, the options can symbolize political or moral values. This also gives you a nice out from the love triangle when one love interest proves their unworthiness by finally crossing a line the protagonist won't. The Hunger Games had shades of this and fans definitely picked up on it (though I definitely remember being a "ditch them both" truther myself, lol).

And what about character growth? This can come into play when a story is about a protagonist fixing their life or self-improving. It's why - seemingly paradoxically - the established relationship is almost always expected to lose out to the new person in their life, despite being, well, established. They end up paired with the one who knows them as who they are becoming, not who they used to be.

...I think I've made my point about symbolism.

So. Back to OFMD! You'll probably notice all of the above could apply to BlackBonnet - Stede being the better lifestyle and values is kind of his whole thing, what with the acceptance boat culture and all (even if Stede himself needs to work on practicing as he preaches). Plus Edward is on an arc of self-improvement to fit into that culture. This is why absolutely nobody is going to be shocked that he doesn't end up with Izzy. But I do think (or at least hope 🫠) that the writing is good, and that's probably going to entail a bit of complexity in the choice.

The choice being "Stede, Stede, 100% definitely Stede, why would I even hesitate?" is rather boring. Especially since they have to make Edward hesitate so the show has a plot and stakes, and that's how you get plot contrivances and drawn out drama between two people (despite framing them as perfect for each other).

Conversely, if choosing Izzy aka his current life (the competing love interest angle is barely subtextual with the wife comparisons) actually has some appeal for Edward, then even though the endgame is obvious, it still makes sense why he's hanging back. It gives him a conflict with Stede / Stede's life that can take time to resolve, and one that will slot really nicely into the main story beats of a romcom. Edward is struggling a lot with identity, so tying the two men to different aspects he needs to choose between for himself is very compelling. (I'm just gonna drop my main Edward meta here.)

And, finally, how they handle the choice part is going to inform what they do with Izzy once Edward picks Stede. Yeah, there are the love triangles that make the bad option a horrible person, destroy their life, and skip away to the happy ending, but those can be kind of fucked up? And I think an unsympathetic ending for Izzy is unlikely for a few reasons... But that's a different meta.

(Maybe they should just OT3 for us??? 😆)

Anyway... This is why anyone starting from the stance that OFMD is not doing a love triangle because there's not actually a chance of BlackHands endgame has fundamentally misunderstood the argument being made, which unfortunately has been a common point of dispute. And with Season 2 coming I imagine it will come back with a vengeance, so I'm getting this out of my drafts now. 😘

Here's to love triangle shenanigans!!!

[whateven333]

Did you know L.J. Smith was fired from writing the Vampire Diaries books?? Do you think this relates to the show at all? It's oddly coincidental that she was planning to write more Bonnie and Damon content. She even said her publisher didn't like the direction which she was going with all the relationships, particularly that Damon had more than platonic feelings for both Bonnie & Elena.

Hi Anon !

Yes I have heard about the controversy surrounding The Vampire Diaries books and how the original author of the first couple books was fired to be replaced by a ghostwriter.

-I only learnt about this from a TVD analysis video I watched a while ago by a YouTuber called Jenny Nicholson, (the video is really good btw and I definitely recommend giving it a watch if you haven't already seen it !)

A very brief summary: L.J. Smith was hired by a company to write a book series and so she came up with TVD, at a certain point in the series the company didn't like the direction L.J Smith planned to take the books (I've heard this may have been due to her planning different endgame couples for the books compared to what the show was planning at the time and I've seen some conflicting ideas about which couples she intended exactly) so they fired and replaced her.

I've personally never read the TVD books, but from what I've heard L.J Smith did seem like she was a lot more open to exploring different romantic pairings in the books compared to how close-minded the writers of the TVD show were.

I think the TVD show writers definitely missed out by not including what seemed like Bonnie and Damons complicated feelings/ romantic connection for each other that the books seemed to be building, I think it would have been much more messy/ entertaining to watch rather than the Stefan-Elena-Damon triangle that they rehashed every 2-5 business days 😭

By deliberately leaving Bonnie out of so many storylines, the TVD show writers missed the opportunity for a much more dramatic/ engaging show overall.

Also, I'm sure it goes without saying but fuck the company that fired L.J Smith from writing for her own books that she came up with, fucked up and greedy smh

*Though apparently L.J.Smith continued to write for the series as unofficial "fanfiction" (I'm not sure where/ if its still available to access tho sorry) and in those fics Damon and Bonnie did date/ fall in love from what I've heard (and were maybe endgame too ?)

So I think that's everything I know about that situation lol, also I'm so sorry in advance in case of any inaccuracies about the situation, this is just what I've seen online but since this all happened a while ago there seems to be some debate/ inconsistencies regarding certain parts that were a bit confusing but this is what I've gathered from the situation in general, hope its okay.

Thank you for the ask ! 💖

Here's the link for the YouTube video I mentioned if you'd like to watch it :

[1-mini-1]

Curiou Cat Q+A Compilation

So since Curious Cat is officially dead (rip), I decided to put some of the Q+A's I answered in like 2019 here. Most of them are Mafumafu-related song analyses and some of my basic opinions on Vocaloid and utaite, so if you wanna read some yap, knock yourself out. Also, I like yapping. So feel free to submit more asks LOL

What are your thoughts on 'last stop' by mafu (lyrically n musically) ?

Sometimes I feel like Shuuten (Last Stop) has lyrics that are really dark compared to Mafumafu's other songs, but then I listen to them and realize that they're not really haha. I think, to me at least, that they come off darker, because of the song's execution and composition. I think Mafumafu mentioned that when he was writing this song, he was basically having an existentialism crisis but then realized that, "oh, well, in the end we all die anyways…". So yes it's really dark, but then in end it's kind of comforting? I mean I don't think anything's harder than this life, honestly haha. And I think another thing Mafumafu said is that he realized it doesn't matter who we are, we all get off at the same last stop. I think the song follows this thought process, as it goes from rolling in angst, to reveling in angst, to accepting that angst.

The one thing that did stand out to me in the lyrics is that he referenced "Swaying from Season to Season". In my head, I divide Mafumafu's songs into different categories. So we have songs that are more rock and dark (like Shuuten), songs that are related to Yume Hanabi, and then… I guess I just stick Swaying from Season to Season with Ouka ni Tsukuyo to Sodeshigure lol. Anyways, my point is, he doesn't mix the lyrics he uses with songs in these separate categories too often, but for some reason he referenced Swaying from Season to Season in Shuuten. Why he did that? I really don't know lol. It might just be another contrast thing, since that song is everything Shuuten isn't.

Musically, Shuuten is fantastic. The whole song seems to be built on contrasts. I love how the verses are sung low and fast and are paired with an uncomplicated instrumental that has no bass guitar. I think this makes it sound like mumbling and causes the chorus to be that much more startling. When bass is introduced, the instrumental gets more complicated and Mafumafu starts screaming (lol). Usually in music, high notes and melodies are associated with fast tempos, but I like how Mafumafu did the opposite in Shuuten by having the lyrics slow down when he reaches the chorus. Not only is there a build up when the chorus is reached, but there's one continuous build up throughout the whole song until it reaches the last chorus but then falls again. I guess you could say that the chorus is our… Last Stop *ba dum tsh*

What are your thoughts on Sekai Shikku ni Shounen Shoujo?

Ahhhh I really like this song. Yes, while it is full of existentialism like mafu's other songs, it still makes me feel happy. For me, I really think about it as a song that ties all of us fans together. We're all sick of the world, and nameless boys and girls who haven't really found our place in the world. I also like how the lyrics mention the Summer Triangle. When I think of the summer triangle, I think of the Japanese holiday Tanabata. In the Tanabata story, Orihime and Hikoboshi (represented by the stars Vega and Altair, which are two corners of the Summer Triangle) can only meet once a year. I think it's really similar to how fans and After the Rain don't meet very often and basically only do through their live concerts. So it's bittersweet but something every one looks forward to every year.

Since people are asking about your thoughts on certain songs, I was wondering what your thoughts are on Mafumafu's Nuko series?

I probably don't have as much to say about this series as I do about others lol. I think they're really cute and fun songs. My favorite song in the series is Neko ga Maruku Natta (actually, is this song even in the series haha). It's a lot calmer compared to the other songs but surprisingly deep. I love it's message about how we should try to do our best with the life we're given and make the world rounder by trying to understand each other. This may be different than what Mafumafu means, but I'm literally trying to do that by studying and translating Japanese lol. Also, it has all of Mafu's friends as cats in the MV???? And that's super adorable???

What are your thoughts on Antivirus from Izanaware Traveler?

I mentioned this in my translation, but I feel like Antivirus has a similar meaning to Merry Bad End and Hello Dystopia. I don't want to assume anything, but to me at least it seems like the lyrics talk about toxic fans.

I feel like AtR had a really rough year last year. I mean, they've written a couple other songs before last year that were kinda calling out how their fans conduct themselves online, but I think last year had about 4 songs that were like that…

Um, so, I guess rather than going through Antivirus and highlighting what destructive behavior fans could be doing, I rather talk about what good things fans can do. I think it's important to not just be a fan, but also a supporter of your favorite artists. It's good to send them good messages, fanart, etc. In fact, I'm sure they love it so much! I wanna just shower everyone in good vibes and affection gah. On the other hand though, it's not ok to treat them like they're an anime character. They are very real people. This has kind of been on my mind since I started translating and interacting more with the international utaite fandom, but I think we're just as accountable, if not more, for what we post online about utaite. I feel like the English fandom is kind of like the wild west and people can get away with saying a lot of things because most utaites don't speak English. However, this also means that they can't address problems that may arise in the fandom. I've been really surprised about some of the things I've seen posted, and if the same things were posted in Japanese, I know that they would affect utaites and their fans. More than anything though, I get really sad about it because I respect these musicians so much because they've played such a positive influence in my life. It's also good to be mindful of what content we post because perpetuating misleading or toxic ideas doesn't set a good example to new international utaite fans. I want a lot of artists to get popular and perform internationally (and in the states, where I'm from), but when that time comes, I want to welcome them as a proud international utaite fan and not someone that is embarrassed about what their peers post online.

Sorry, this got really heavy and long :< On a lighter note, I thought Mafumafu's choice of using the word "Antivirus" was really funny because I work in cyber security and the song was using the definition as more as medical term. But then again, maybe it was intentional, considering that the virus AtR has had to deal with is online.

Who is your favorite utaite and why? (Or I guess who are your favorites, if it's too hard to choose one!)

EASY. My favorite utaite is Soraru and everyone that knows me knows that LOL. My friends ask me "How's Soraru?" instead of asking how I am. It's been super fun seeing how much he's improved over the years and how hard he works. I'm also just very used to his voice so I guess out of all utaites I prefer his.

I think I got attached to him pretty fast forever ago because we had similar interests? Like idk, a lot of the games he played and songs he recorded were my favorites too. I didn't understand Japanese when I first became his fan, but after learning Japanese I've come to really appreciate his personality. I've had tooooooo many times in my life where I would be struggling with an issue or feeling down, and somehow Soraru would say something that would help me out. And he's just so nice and takes care of his friends and is really thoughtful and considerate towards his fans but still blunt and true to himself.

I mentioned this in a previous ask, but yeah I learned Japanese because of Soraru. And Japanese has had such a huge influence on my life, that I can't imagine my life without it. I've made so many good friends, and ended up focusing my career and schooling on Japanese. I literally have no idea where I would be if I didn't learn Japanese because of him. He ruined my life because I was supposed to be a STEM girlie XD but I love him for it :D

What are your favorite vocaloid songs and who are your favorite vocaloid producers (and why)?

To make it easier for me to answer, I'm going to focus on your second question first lol. My favorite producer's are Deco*27 and MikitoP.

When I was in 7th grade, I was convinced that I would never need to fall in love if Deco*27 kept writing music. Love seems like a really basic feeling, but Deco*27 never fails to capture both the good and bad sides of it. It's been fun seeing how his songs have progressed from cute/normal/sad love songs, to twisted ones. I like how his songs are both pop but rock at the same time? And while his music has definitely changed a lot from when he first started, he somehow still manages to use the same distinguishing synths lol. Also, his lyrics are just straight up amazing. They have so many puns and double meanings. He references and recycles the same words a lot, so it's fun listening to recent songs and then hearing him reference a song he wrote 10 years ago. Also, in terms of actual Vocaloid usage, I like how his songs still sound like they use Vocaloid (like he doesn't try to make them sound human) but are still really easy to listen to. My favorite songs by him include Chocolate Beats, Mukashi Mukashi no Kyou no Boku, Dokusenyoku, Starlight Girl… there are too many lol

MikitoP is my other favorite because I feel like his music is really similar to classical Japanese poetry. Instead of telling a story, he captures a single moment and uses that scene to convey a certain emotion. His use of seasonal words really help in painting the scene and making the songs more Japanese-y too. In his songs that do tell a story, they're never super specific and so it's fun to speculate what's going on. So lyrically wise, they're amazing enough, but then he somehow manages to create the perfect instrumentals and melodies to go along with everything. Also, I feel like a lot of his songs are summer themed and summer's my favorite season :D Idk how he makes his music so chill, but then manages write freaking bangers too. My favorite songs by him include Yuugure Twitter, Yuudachi no Ribbon, Shutter Chance, Natsu no Hanken, Ballerina Girl, and Boku wa Hatsune Miku to Kiss wo Shita.

What's your favorite song written by Soraru and what's your favorite Soraru song regardless of the writer?

My favorite song written by Soraru is poco from After Rain Quest and my favorite Soraru song in general is... oof that's a really tough question XD I'm pretty sure I've heard like 500 or something songs by him. Yeah, I don't think I can answer haha. Sorry! There's just too many and I love them all

Do you have any advice for someone who also wants to start posting covers online? Also, what's your favorite Vocaloid/Utaite song to sing?

I might not be the best person to ask about this, considering I've only posted one video, but Soraru said something before in an interview that helped push me to upload something. He said that it's really hard and scary in the beginning to post things because you're a beginner and obviously not perfect or the best, so what he did was find one thing that he really liked about his cover that no other cover had, and used that as motivation to upload and contribute to the community. It could be something really small, like just one note or how you pronounce something, but take that and embrace it so you don't get scared of putting yourself out there.

However, even though no one's perfect in the beginning, I think that's one of the things that's the most fun about utaites. I love going back through utaite mylists and seeing how much they're improved over the years. It makes me excited to see how much I'll improve in the future and uploading stuff will give me an easy way to track my progress.

To answer your other question, I really like singing everything by MikitoP and Deco*27 hahaha. But aside from them, I really like singing songs by Ishifuro like Yuugure Sensei :D

[lopsidedtreetrunks]

Here is my submission for @dribbonart 's amedot fusion competition! I like her a lot, although there are a couple of things I probably could have done a bit better lol

Steven is there for height comparison. All of the text on the page is in the alt text :)

I have A LOT of notes under the cut, which can get a bit stream-of-consciousness-y (because I can never just be chill about something bsdjaksjdlskd),, so I apologise in advance for how long it is 😭

Early research notes:

Mixing amethyst and peridot's skin colours together gets you a kind of sage green colour, so I researched to light green gems

Aventurine stuck out to me as it was the only one i found where it was actually described as sage green, so i thought 'that's perfect' lol

A lot of the healing properties of green aventurine I think resonate with both amethyst and peridot's personalities, from its promotion of friendship to its emission of positive energy

I liked that one of the sites i used to research aventurine mentioned ancient civilisations' usage of green aventurine and i wanted to incorporate that into the fusion's design/personality

It's important to me for her to have aspects of both amethyst and peridot shown in the design somewhere. Most of the time when i design fan fusions I do this in their hair, which is not different this time. I made her hair long, with a bushy tail on her braid representing amethyst, and her three skull braids representing peridot's triangle hair. Her hair is also in a braid bc when i hear the word adventure for some reason the first thing i think of is Lara Croft so,,, thats why i gave her a braid 😅

I wanted her body design to kind of resemble athleisure-wear since she loves relaxing but can get up and go at any point, ready for adventure! She also doesn't need to be complicated. I don't think she needs extra limbs etc since she has her vision power.

Obviously the crystal gems are very important to both amethyst and peridot, so I wanted to give her at least one star on her body. Her torso seemed like the most obvious place, but I'm not sure if she should have more elsewhere, too. The star on her torso can be like a tattoo.

I think she would be very intense in her love for her friends, which might make people uncomfortable. She will back off if she senses this, but she means well I promise!!

She can be spontaneous when it comes to her adventuring, sometimes dragging Steven and the other gems from their beds to go on a Cool Adventure (pearl is NOT a fan of this lmao)

When I say 'adventuring' I really mean just travelling and/or exploring new places, which could be anything from a new city to a deep jungle. Normally these adventures don't last longer than a couple of days... unless they get lost..........

A few amedot related rambles notes:

One of my favourite things about amedot is that they're sooo opposite. I'm such a big opposites-attract truther almost everything I ship there's one puppy dog and one wet cat there's nothing i love more than polar opposite pairings <3

With that said they also share a few things (cough being short asses cough) such as their love of their friends (even if they show it in different ways) and they can both be pretty headstrong. They both had their own journeys - amethyst with her self confidence and feeling inferior, and peridot with unlearning the system of homeworld and the traditions she was so used to. They both had to learn how to love themselves enough to be able to stand up for what they believe in and to let themselves be true to themselves (i hope that makes sense lol)

I think their opposing traits can be quite complementary. Peridot is quite intense; she gets excited about her favourite things and she gets embarrassed easily. Amethyst is more laid-back and tends to roll her own way. They complement each other well.

More refined notes:

Amethyst's personality: Mellow Lazy/messy (affectionate) Improved self-esteem Fiercely loyal

Peridot's personality: Self-confident Smart (robotics) Analytical Intense interests/personality Learned to enjoy life/appreciate Earth

Aventurine properties:

Quartz

Name comes from Italian for adventure

Known as a heart-healer for it's relation to the heart chakra

Said to bring prosperity in all facets of life

Emits a positive energy, slows overactive minds, guides lost spirits, promotes friendships

Ancients Tibetans used it in statues, believing it's glimmer gave them higher vision

Amazon tribes used it in jewellery, believing it gave their royalty and warriors guidance in battles

Aventurine personality:

Self-confident

Enjoys seeking adventure but really values her downtime

Adores her friends - loyal

Can take charge if needed

Can be spontaneous with adventuring

Emotional decision-maker

Although she is very smart, she tends to think with her heart rather than her head

She has a special power - higher vision grants her the ability to see for miles and can focus in any person/thing in the present

Similar to Sapphire's future vision but stays in the present

She gets her street smarts and go-with-the-flow attitude from Amethyst

She gets her intense love and confidence from Peridot

Hyper but content in life

[cocomere]

hello i have made more fanart but i actually like it this time

also i finished reading fool's gold and. why. why did you do this 😭

first off we have my wonderful child innit (yes i've adopted it, no there's nothing you can do about it)

secondly i tried to draw Vio. surprisingly the thing i was most overwhelmed about was the jewelry. i just couldn't cope with the lack of hair so i gave him some more hair.

the first one is with the colours i picked and the second one is "canon" colouring. i wasn't entirely sure what his tail or the triangle pin looks like but i tried. yes i used the splatter tool for the marking i tried drawing them by hand but it looked terrible. i also tried to include the second joint in how he bends his arms. originally i has the lab coat's colour to be more obnoxious than the one you had picked but it hurt my eyes so i changed it

also i noticed the mention of his second pair of eyelids a lot. so he has a nictitating membrane? i'm assuming that's what it is, since it fits the description and the way those open/close would be considered wrong (from left to right instead of up and down)

if it is a nictitating membrane- i remember seeing somewhere that his planet had glass(?) storms, so i was wondering if that protects his eyes like a camel's protects its eyes during a sandstorm? sorry i just find this sort of- not world. uh species-building interesting lol

!!! MORE ART FOR THE FRIDGE AYYYYY

You aren’t the only one to adopt Innit. Askblog is interesting. You can see the evolution of Daz in it, too!! I did it because I feed on reader’s tears :3c Also, Innit Going Away was pretty much inevitable. There was no way for it to be on the askblog suddenly without it having vanished, because Innit was created LONG after Daz had been introduced. I had to work backwards to figure out what would have made that happen. I think the answer is kind of heartbreaking, ngl, but like...I don’t see another way it could have turned out. It led to some fun content tho!

Oh, right, you didn’t see the very top. The canon colors are to give a better idea of what I had in mind. Sky blue could mean a LOT of different shades! I know that actually drawing with those PRECISE colors might be difficult, and I have a disclaimer about “yes, I know it could shift in Actual Art, this is just to have a solid baseline to work off of.”

The tail is more like an alligator’s, and it’s the spines along the top of it that can go flat or Not Flat as he so chooses.

And, yes, that’s what I mean by that lmao. I honestly didn’t consider it re:glass storms, but you’re right! That’d definitely help with those, as well as with general sand blowing about.

I loooooove world and species building. It’s SO fun to really dig into the minutiae of how do these things work and WHY? Vio has a lot of really interesting quirks in particular-- like, magic is basically poison to him. A LOT of enchantments either don’t work at all or cause a huge backlash if he tries to use them (water-based ones in particular. That’s why he hates tridents lmao). Others only kinda-sorta work. Silk touch is one that straight up has zero effect. Even with a properly enchanted pick, it fails to activate. This will eventually become a plot point in the rewrites, hehe!

I have a lot of lore sunk into Sanctuary itself (and a fair bit of it is in Sibling Acceptance Rituals and onwards!!) as well as Blood & Gold. A LOT of stuff that never actually made it into any fic was figured out! For instance, one of the few things bgWilbur DIDN’T lie about was his mom being Lady Death. This comes up in a few AUs, but not in the main timeline nor Welcome To The Inn/Creepypasta.

[annoyingfobbie]

Tropes Game

Rules

How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 -> don’t care either way

10 ->  very enticed

nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged.

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

thank you so @telegraphavekiss for tagging me, i love talking about fic! disclaimer for this, i haven't looked through the list yet, but i'll probably have no zeros bc i love tropes and i love fics

Trope List

Age gap: 0/10 but also this one heavily depends on the age gap. most age gaps i'm not particularly into, but if it's appropriate then i don't DISlike it necessarily, it just doesn't affect my decision to read a fic much. but also sometimes i do like myself some college student/young professor stuff. maybe thats just cause pete wentz would look hot in a college professor getup idk.

Codependency: 5/10 this is a really tough one bc like it reeeeeeally depends how the codependency plays out, you know?? i personally love reading some well written angst and emotional turmoil and shit, though, so it's usually a positive tbh. Like some explorations into codependency are wrtiten so fucking well.

Enemies to lovers: 8/10 i've gotta stop starting these with "it depends" but like i guess they ALL depends and thats got to be inherently assumed but like dfkljhgklhjgf generally yes enemies to lovers is so good lol. The only times i dislike it are when i feel like stuff was forgiven that shouldn't have been? or like when it doesn't make sense that they get together? but thats usually really just poor writing. if i like the writing then this one is always really good.

Enemies with benefits: 10/10 yessssssssssss y'all don't understand how much i love this unhealthy ass dynamic oh my goddddddd! no elaboration its just hot to me

Fake dating/relationship: 3/10 I've read SOME really really good fics with this, but i don't particularly gravitate towards it i guess.

Found family: 0/10 i love found family in general but when i see it as a tag in a fic it's just usually not really the fic i'm looking for? but i don't run away from it either though. some found family fics are absolute favorites of mine (i'd say the whole Girl Out Boy verse is very found-family-esque and its one of my favorites, for example.) but it's not something i go looking for. i do love good well written friendships like SO much but i feel like thats slightly different than found family.

Friends to lovers: 8/10 similar to enemies to lovers this one can be sooooooo fucking good and usually is, BUT sometimes when the pair are just randomly thrown together or like theres not enough setup or tension then it falls flat. it's kind of all about the tension. i fucking love myself some tension.

Friends with benefits: 7/10 usually i'm actually kind of indifferent to this one, BUT i had to give it a higher rating bc in the specific case where the story is "we're friends with benefits but i want it to be more and i'm secretly pining but i don't want to ruin everything" then that is 10/10 all around and i fucking love those stories.

Hurt/comfort: 8/10 i love angst and emotional turmoil, what can i say

Love triangle: 8/10 see above

Mistaken/hidden identity: 0/10 i haven't actually seen a lot of this, but i think i'd be indifferent to it as a tag if i came across it.

Monster fucking relationship: 7/10 i mean, like....... listen, it can be interesting, thats all i'm saying

Obsession, possessiveness, etc.: 8/10 i fucking love angst and emotional turmoillllll sdjkfghklfjgdh but also i didn't give it a 10/10 bc i tend to not enjoy it much when it leans into a situation where one party feels trapped.

Opposites (like grumpy×sunshine, etc): 5/10 this once again just depends a lot on the author, but when its done well, i do really like it.

Poly: 0/10 it doesn't really sway me either way if i see it as a tag. it also kind of depends on the people involved. i love panic at the disco poly for example but not so much fob poly.

Pregnancy: -3/10 i don't HATE it like i don't avoid it like the plague but i'm definitely not as likely to click on it if it has pregnancy lol

Second chance: -2/10 most of the time i just feel like i can't get behind these unless theres been a huge misunderstanding or its a situation where no one did anything wrong? bc a lot of times when i read this i end up just not rooting for the couple, which is what i always wanna be doing.

Sex to feelings: 10/10 i mean you saw my friends with benefits explanation. it's all right there.

Slow burn: 10/10 the more fic the better. the more tension the better. win win.

Soulmates: -2/10 controversial take from me but i DON"T like fics where it's a pre-decided/fate thing. i just prefer the writer to really convince me these people have CHOSEN each other you know?

Arranged marriage: -9/10 see above, basically. in real life i don't view these negatively but it's just not what i look for in a fic.

And I'm tagging:

(sorry if you've already been tagged lol) @mickjustmademylist @vampyerika @pyrchance and @earlgreytea68 ! if you don't wanna participate tho then please don't feel bad or pressured or anything lol its no biggie! also anyone at all who wants to do this can do it and tag me as the person who tagged you, bc i love seeing what people have to say about this stuff!

[eolewyn1010]

Interesting stuff and stuff I'd like to believe too! Frankenstein's not the only story that has incest, one of them she wrote pretty much a self insert who had an incestuous relationship with dad, and she sent it to her dad (who hated it lol), and she lost her virginity on her mom's grave... so I can't help but wonder

O...kay then?

See, you can believe about Mary Shelley whatever you like, and it'll probably be better informed than what I believe, seeing as I don't know all that much about her, biographically speaking. But I do have to wonder why you keep coming back to me about a point I have already said I don't care much for.

In the name of good faith, I'll discuss this to my best knowledge (which is, as mentioned, not much). Trigger warning for mention of child abuse, so I'll set a cut this time. Will be for the best anyway since this essay is longer. tl;dr - still no.

I looked up the story you mentioned, and I found Mathilda. I haven't read it, and it sounds way too dreary for me to invest money in it, so I'll work with what I've gathered from articles. Please note that I am obviously not completely informed.

Mathilda doesn't feature an incestuous relationship between the father and daughter. It features the father confessing his desire for his daughter, and then promptly committing suicide. As it was with Victor Frankenstein and Elizabeth, the incest itself doesn't take place; the "pair" is parted by death before consummation.

I think the evidence for Mathilda being Mary Shelley's self-insert is pretty thin. She's a depressed young woman dealing (or rather, failing to deal) with loss, fair enough, and her mother died shortly after her birth. So yeah, that sounds like a good case for autobiographical elements - but the crucial relationship doesn't qualify. Mathilda is raised away from her father and they only meet when she is already 16, and off we go with the unholy desires. Mary Shelley was very much a daddy's girl, was raised exclusively by him for the first several years even. We have a very different emotional situation here. So no, this doesn't convince me of Mary Shelley's incest fetish.

The theme of suicide is as present in Mathilda as is that of incest - more so, perhaps, because while the father's desire seems to be one-sided, both he and the daughter wish to take their own lives at some point; he does so successfully, she dies another way. If I had to take Mathilda the autobiographical way, this is what would jump out at me, hinting at a severe depression Mary Shelley might have had after the death of her children. The incestuous element may have been the trigger, but the tragedy discussed is loss - it might even be guilt, seeing as Mary Shelley's relationship with Percy Shelley resulted in the suicide of the latter's first wife.

Incest in literature was kind of a Thing in Regency. Jane Austen dealt with it before Shelley, Emily Brontë dealt with it after Shelley, and especially Gothic literature features it a lot. Percy Shelley had it occuring in Laon and Cythna, Lord Byron strongly implied it in Manfred (although he actually had a direct autobiographical reference for that), Edgar Allen Poe had The Fall of the House of Usher. It seems to me like that was just the shortcut for Romance Doomed To Fail back in the day; compare today's dead horse trope in YA literature - the goddamn love triangle wherein our heroine tragically has to choose between two equally attractive, equally bland love interests. Incest was Regency literature's go-to for a tragic romance subplot, and frankly, it can be just as cheap.

Then there's the angle of doomed to fail, of never consummated. Comparable to the medieval idea of courtly love, incest as Mary Shelley depicts it is a desire never to be fulfilled. Elizabeth dies a virgin, Mathilda's father rather kills himself than touch her. This plays into the argument I've already made before - that, at least when it comes to Frankenstein, the entire incestuous relationship is weirdly de-sexualized. Even if Shelley's interest in this subject were singular in Regency literature, I still wouldn't read it as fetish material. There are no overt sexual fantasies in it; the relationships are tragic and leave one party seriously bitter and broken.

Compare this with Flowers in the Attic. Or, worse, compare it with basically all Marion Zimmer Bradley has ever written. And the latter sexually abused her own children - if anyone can safely be said to have had an incest fetish, it's her. These days, I'm incapable of looking at her writing without getting nauseous, because she used to milk incest for all the titillation she could get out of it. The way she wrote it, that was fetish material. It was sexually explicit, it was apologetic, it was even glorifying. Mary Shelley writes about incest as a tragedy, as a cruelty of fate, not as a big opportunity for smut.

And finally, the anecdote about her losing her virginity on her mother's grave. Uhm. Sure? That seems to be a thing? Couldn't find more than anecdotal reference to it; I don't have sources. If I wanna be petty, I can say that the references went on about the churchyard, not the grave, but that's a moot point bc I wouldn't know either way. It sure is a weird thing to do, although the relationship consummated here is still that of Mary and Percy Shelley, who is about as far removed from either of her parents as can be. Her mother was a nonentity in Mary Shelley's life. No idea if she fantasized about her, but it was not as if there was any real relationship to build upon. She had an actual and pretty complicated relationship with her father, but the fact that he hated her choice of a partner and advised her not to publish Mathilda doesn't convince me that there was anything incestuous between them.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

swerving so real you can’t escape Karasu (me fr) but YES the dark spiky hair blue eyes big brain….and the banter fits Karasu SOOOO WELL ugh I miss my man

FRRRRRR HIS GOAL SO GOOD AND HE ACTUALLY MOVED but SO REAL nagi finally becoming more and more expressive and not lifeless as he actually starts interacting with more people him being friends with yuki is actually so cute im so glad they added those additional times and you’re so real for that it IS deep like once you look past the main reo drama that they use as like the main focus for marketing and whatnot and see his relations with the other players >>>>>>

Im laughing so hard its the three itoshi brothers and their hair progressively gets more emo its like the Jonas brothers and then their other forgotten younger bro and that’s Niko

The way I blanked out and read that as nagi11 and I was like idk what that is but yeah that works too NOW IK SHSHSJ but LMAOAOA im loving the vibe check team assignments trust I would be asking Shidou to wingman and steal the hair wax and rip Karasu’s shirt off and double date time FR LMAOOOO

No because the ending was so unsubstantial….like at least others have some sort of lasting impact or future pointing direction I fr have no idea what was going on also im not even like a giant mega gojo fan like I am Karasu’s but the way gege never circled back to him at all….and generally all the loose ends ugh I can’t help but think that there were so many reasons to expand a bit better considering how much it blew up it really feels like a waste but wtv im not the author

LMAAOAO ALSO YEAH I remember looking at your masterlist at some point in the past and thinking “wait there’s only two nagi works here” but WILL DO its by @/earthtooz from their 5k event let me look for the name after I finish writing this so I don’t lose my spot in our convo but also disclaimer I read it a long time ago (like a year ago ish maybe) and idk if my tastes have matured or changed since then but from what I remember it was notable enough for me to give them a follow sooo but that might’ve been because of the drought too but ANYWAYS hope you like it I thought it was one of the more in character (???) works for nagi LOL

LMFAO OOPSIES real the title reminds me of isekai a bit so I haven’t gone near it oops LMAOA IDGAF WARRIOR CHEMICAL REACTION real I was also gonna say I had pi Tullia in mind and I feel like that dynamic would be pretty fun too EXACTLY the he asked for no pickles vibe captures it perfectly her beefing with Shidou would be really funny too

LMSPDISOA REAL glad we established that because if I see Karasu especially in a side couple I would swerve so bad wait actually have you ever considered Tullia and Yukimiya…I feel like the vibe is completely different from all of the established potentials pairings you have right now but something about it speaks to me for some reason LFMAOAOAOAOAO RIN SAE LOVE TRIANGLE wait not to hate or anything but idk if you ever saw at some point in time this request was floating around for a love triangle with the itoshi bros so like fifty fics with that idea were posted it was crazy wait also at this point in time I can’t tell if we’re talking about male lead or Tullias pairing so if this is about male lead ignore me and I’ll rethink my answer LMAOOO

Ok….so that’s also the thing…..I hate using the website on mobile because of the weird formatting but I HAVE tried on my computer but that’s the device that’s fighting the most for its life right now literally like 1 singular gb of storage available and it fans when I don’t even touch it so it’s SLOW I actually realllly wanna upgrade it because every now and then when I go to turn it on it’ll blackout and crash like five times before I can even like log in and open shit which also scared the shit out of me every time because I’m like hahahahahahahajajajahapleasewakeupineeydocumentspls but um yeah!! My WiFi also just completely died for no reason right before I came to respond to this and then it came back in like ten minutes so idk wtf is going on but hopefully something works itself out this was long oops

No because Karasu pulls it off so well Kaiser is just…Kaiser…(also coming from a Karasu glazer) ok but seriously that ATROCIOUS hair cut like COME. ON. Karasu’s is unique but at least it’s not THAT like double rat tails paper mache pin feathers what the hell the automatic beef is so funny though but also so real

YOUR WRITING IS ACTUALLY SO GOOD I LOVE the subtle references and foreshadowing and all the little details that point to underlying meanings and themes and whatnot maybe it’s the lore/analysis nerd in me but it makes a work soooo much more satisfying to read imo I also love intellectual reads like YES give me something that keeps me on my toes my fav fr (and yeah that’s the word reading turn off LMAO no hate ofc also why I don’t usually like those mass character posts or some

Smaus because it’s like…really informal to the point where it’s like me speed spam texting a friend (or lowk typing in this convo))

LFMAOAOSHAHAJA SEICHIRO KAGI your aegislash era fr I’m laughing to hard every time you say something like this and make a painfully obvious character reference by changing like one letter of their name I cry my eyes out from laughter it’s so funny to me

TRUEEEEE OMG we could fr get episode Karasu out here you should actually just write and draw it im sure it would cook so hard (wait speaking of have I ever seen you draw Karasu/have you ever drawn Karasu….i fear we may need a visual in the near future….if you have time ofc…)

SO REAL FOR THAT LITERALLY any pairing of nagi platonic or ship that isn’t reo is like sending peoples worlds off axis (i somehow forgot how the exact saying goes as I tried to edit the phrase but you get what i mean)

No that’s actually insane like I’ve also seen people straight up refuse to look interact or like buy from small artists who don’t like reo/nagireo and they full on like deep dive background check people for any nagireo hate and im like it’s NOT that deep what the fuck but anyways nagi rin so true they have some interactions in pwc too (where nagis like damn you have no friends huh rin as if he should be talking LMFOAOA but they’re so funny but the parallels from before too ugh so much potential) but LMAOA NO FR I don’t ship either but I’m also surprised at Isagi nagi not being more popular?? Isagi and his chemical reactions LMFAOO but he does always praise nagi for that sooo Wait also back to nagi rin it’s even better when you factor in all the recent talk about genius vs prodigy because according to the manga it’s like a genius is someone born with an innate talent that can’t be learned or trained but a prodigy is some who has an advantage at learning/mastering things and adapting using their knowledge or something (I think er) but based on what we’ve seen about rin and how he wasn’t naturally as gifted as sae based off their performances in their childhood pre blue lock rin almost feels more like a prodigy I mean esp compared to nagi right so more parallels anyways

LMFAOAOSOAOAO you really said Aiku only looks good from a distance (real I think so too) but FR the otoya glazing from the studio is actually crazy because I never would’ve expected it??? I’m not complaining though I love it I know barous moment will be majestic too (yk I’m always a little off put by the fact that no one from tabieitaken scored a goal like damn we got Isagi (ofc) and then ranks 1,2,6 but where’s 3,4,5….anyways…)

LMFAO DIFF BREED /NEG IS SO FUNNY but real that’s also why I generally just stay far far away from ship discourse but it’s unfortunately almost like 90% of what people like to talk about sigh and they’re usually insane so….our convos are really like a breath of fresh air LMAOOO

YAY stay warm too!! I’d assume it’s generally getting colder and sorta entering sick season too and WAHOO almost holiday time!!!

LMAOAOA YEAH I think at that point you hadn’t edited it (I could be wrong) but I also distinctly remember the octopus TikTok (I hope ykwim) that was so funny I love these Easter eggs proud to be a miraverse expert wait also what’s even funnier is I’m pretty certain we talked about y/n and Hiori ganging up on Karasu so lowk it works

ALSO ok I know the carnivorous pegasi thing was really funny but I actually think the idea cooks like genuinely…ngl I shied away from the fantasy au option for your event (and actually just reading in general) only because I had in mind like the typical like idk arpg knight dragon fighting group journey sorta thing which Im not the biggest fan of like it’s not BAD but it’s not something I’m particularly drawn to yk but the whole pegasi equestrian idea is actually so unique and I love the way that it’s still fantasy (for obvious reasons) but doesn’t feel SO outlandish or cliche like it’s the perfect balance between a normal world system plus fantasy if you get what I’m saying so KEEP COOKING IDK IF ITS SAE IM EATING UP THE PEGASI IDEA lowk maybe I should’ve tried for a more interesting typing to see what you’d cook oops (also SAE NEXT??? YOURE ON AN OPP STREAK WITH THIS EVENT LMAOOOO)

- Karasu anon

HAHAH i miss him too…i’d say it’s been forever since i wrote him but tbh it’s been forever since i wrote ANYONE so that’s not really saying much LMAOOO anyways yeah i think in a more traditional story with that trope yukimiya would make more sense but given the specific vibe of the story karasu actually fits better?? there’s actually other aspects to megumi’s character in the story that fit karasu more too (for example he has an older sister [yayoi feature??], he’s from a different country than everyone else so he used to have a different manner of speaking until he was basically forced into adopting the accent everyone else has, he likes telling stories about mythology [karasu likes literature and world history iirc] LIKE HE’S ACTUALLY MORE LIKE KARASU THAN HIMSELF IT’S HILARIOUS omg wait he actually also calls somebody mediocre at one point KLHFSD CANNOT MAKE THIS UP)

ok so he was literally destined to be karasu SLKDHF i’m lowkey cracking up at this i clearly have two (2) types: sassy dark spiky haired asshole with sweetheart tendencies and quiet light fluffy haired cutie pies who are way more talented/stronger than you’d expect

IT’S ALWAYS THAT DEEP FOR ME LMAOOOO and yeah i love seeing him starting to open up and make friends with the other players like yuki, chigiri, isagi, etc i feel so proud of him 🥹 agreed i think people can sometimes overlook him being friends with other characters even more than they do with reo…side note but i feel like i see a lot of posts on tumblr and tik tok that are like memes (obviously) but they’re like chigiri making fun of nagi because he’s team reo (if that makes sense?? i hope yk what i’m referring to) however imo chigiri would pick nagi between the two of them?? he was with nagi for way longer in second selection and they seemed to actually get along and be really good friends (especially in episode nagi but even in the main manga) meanwhile when chigiri was with reo he was mega emo so chigiri mostly just hung out with kunigami HAHA and based on the additional times i think chigiri lowkey thinks reo is kind of a freak 😭 but maybe that’s just me being biased towards nagi ANYWAYS

HELPPP the bangs get longer and longer as they go until finally they completely cover the eyes (niko) PLEASE niko as kevin jonas (i think that’s his name) is killing me lowkey valid though

PLEASE nagi11 is just me because i value nagi above all else…anyways YES omg shidou and karasu anon bffs era?? LMAO that would be shidou’s dream actually SDLKJH someone finally accepting his wingman services HAHA okay wait imagine bachira trying to help otoya though 😭 absolute chaos i think that would actually lead to otoya’s reformation somehow

i really do think gege just got tired of the story atp like he just wanted to finish it and be done with it because there’s really no other reason for why he just wrapped it up so quickly yk?? agreed there were so many loose ends but also it didn’t feel like anything changed??? like they’re still going on missions and fighting curses truly nothing except sukuna being gone really shifted which doesn’t feel satisfying to me whatsoever

RIGHT IT’S CRAZY people think karasu is my fav because of how much i’ve written for him and like don’t get me wrong karasu is def #bfnumbertwo but like…nagi…SDKFJHSK i need to write for him more but i think specifically because of how picky i am with his characterization and whatnot i find him really difficult to put in Situations unlike karasu who lends himself very well to Situations…like imagine nagi in freaky friday for example he truly just would not care abt being in someone else’s body he’d just be like “ok” 😭 and oh i think i have read that one actually!! way back when i was like first getting into bllk and was too scared to write for it myself so a while ago fs

yeah the title throws me off it just feels like it’d be catered towards men somehow which i try to avoid so no plans of really watching it but yeah the actual idgaf colliding with rin’s fake idgaf would be SOOOO funny and a more pi-type tullia would also be hilarious…help imagine her and shidou beefing at family reunions (because shidou just shows up alongside sae) OR alternatively imagine the itoshi extended family is also crazy so they’re at like an itoshi reunion and everyone is being all weird and…itoshi-like?? and tullia + shidou have to make a “only normal people here” alliance to make it through the night

OKAY wait i think i phrased that weirdly HAHHA i’m trying to think of who i would put reader with in a story where tullia and rin is the side couple because i wouldn’t write tullia as the mc ykwim so i would need a main love interest for reader in order to have tullia and rin on the side….that’s why i was like yeah i think it would have to be nagi because if i make karasu the reader’s love interest then someone like hiori or otoya would make more sense than rin for tullia meanwhile if i’m going the other way and trying to pick a love interest for reader based on rin it’s 99% opps (sae, isagi, etc) or characters i’m not really attracted to (bachira, hiori) so i wouldn’t be able to write an entire story for them…tullia and yukimiya would actually be cute though hm…HELP I AM NOT INFORMED IN THAT LORE did somebody just go around requesting a rin and sae love triangle to a bunch of authors?? ngl personally i find it awkward for a love triangle to be with siblings idk why especially when the siblings’ relationship is ruined because of some random girl ykwim 😭 i think the only way i’ve ever conceived of something similar to that is that one au i made the smaus for where it was meant to be a play on the reverse harem genre but none of the other love interests hold up on further inspection and in it sae only loves the mc because she’s the top women’s soccer player so he feels like he should?? don’t get me wrong he absolutely thinks he likes her but she’s like erm no you just like what i represent meanwhile rin only likes her because he knows sae likes her and so he thinks that if she likes him back it’ll be another way of him proving himself to sae (again he’s not really aware of this and it’s less sinister with him because he also does genuinely admire her but the ROOT of him liking her is that) but it’s not really a love triangle because she ends up with neither of them 🧐 the only love interests in that au that don’t have weird motivations for liking her are nagi and karasu (surprise…) where nagi just thinks she’s really nice (we love a #personalityvaluingking) and karasu doesn’t care that she’s a girl he just appreciates her talents (there’s like a whole arc that’s literally her getting over hating every single male soccer player under 20 and the catalyst for it is nagi because he’s not a jerk and then karasu furthers it because he doesn’t judge or talk down to) actually ironically in that au tullia’s love interest is originally isagi but then it kinda shifts to barou??? which is interesting to me…barou and tullia feels like rin and tullia on crack like they’re BOTH beefing with people constantly but then they’re also the most healthy couple somehow 😭

HELPP i am praying for your technology curse to be lifted…agreed the website is kinda eh i never use it on my phone i only really go on it on my ipad when i’m trying to do formatting stuff and post writing because the app sucks for that

i feel like (karasu glazing aside) dark funky spiky hair is a pretty typical anime design?? like there’s that one guy from haikyuu who i see people reblogging (idk his name i just call him fake karasu), megumi, etc etc so it doesn’t feel as weird and random meanwhile w kaiser it’s like what 😭 the haircut is crazy WHO allowed ness to cook fr DSKLJHF GET HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN

HAHAH I LOVE BEING INTELLECTUAL like i know it’s just fanfiction but i love layering deeper meanings and themes and whatnot into my stories and it makes it so much fun to talk about with people…i could go ON about pomegranate ink and everything in that story i feel like just because of its length there’s so much happening in it to the point that even now when i reread it i’m like “omg i didn’t even mean for that to connect to this thing that happens later but it DOES” tbh there aren’t a lot of stories like that in the bllk fandom it’s mostly smaus/short one shots/headcanons which yeah are fun to read but for ME they’re kinda like eating potato chips?? not as satisfying which is why i prefer just writing my own unnecessarily complex stories and then just reading the shorter ones for fun if i have time

I ACTUALLY HAVEN’T DRAWN KARASU i think technically i sketched his outfit in pursuit but that doesn’t really count…okay i took a five minute break from answering this to sketch him quickly #episodekarasu hehe he’s just a silly baby chick also his hair is really annoying but i didn’t feel like putting effort into figuring it out so uh this is what we get….like i said done in five mins so it is in fact horrible BUT at least now karasu has officially entered the miraverse artistically as well

IT LOWKEY BOTHERS ME i don’t complain about it because i’m not a whiner and also because it’s kind of unpopular but i do think a lot of people boil nagi’s character down to reo (and vice versa but i don’t care abt reo quite as much so) it’s kind of the same with shidou actually like you’ll never see a post talking about him and karasu or anything like that because he doesn’t exist in fandom outside the context of sae it’s like…come on now guys…they talk to other people and have other friends and interactions let’s discuss THAT also i was talking to somebody and i think the reason why i like “rare”pairs/duos (like nagirin, tabiryu [is that their official duo name?? idt they even have one so i’m just calling them that from now on]) is because you really have to understand the characters to explain why it makes sense ☝🏻 like it’s so so easy for people to create fanon characterizations or just straight up mischaracterize nagi when talking about nagireo because it’s SUCH a popular ship and has canon basis so you don’t need to create believability?? whereas with something like nagirin i have to go down to the basics of their characters in order to explain why they work really well together…same w tabiryu like when i was presenting my case to jeirin i had to pull up panels of shidou getting pissed at rin and talking about how he hates his freedom being restricted and then comparing that to him being like 😄 when karasu is bossing him around in bm vs pxg HAHAHA like yeah it’s easy to just say whatever about shidou and reduce him to being 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 if you’re discussing him and sae but if you’re trying to convince the public that he and karasu are actually bffs (kind of) you have to really go deeper…i think that’s why rarepair fics also tend to be better written on the whole (it’s why i only ever read stories for rare pairs if i’m reading ship fic) anyways long story short i love looking at unusual dynamics in stories but people sometimes take it personally so if i ever post about it i’m always quick to add a bazillion disclaimers (i was SO scared making the post that i think shidou and karasu have a diff relationship than shidou w the rest of the bllkers as well as shidou w sae because i could already envision people coming into my comments and being like “erm NO shidou is NOT freaky with karasu he doesn’t CARE about karasu he’s only like that with SAE ITOSHI 🤓☝🏻” LMAOOOO like no i don’t think he’s being WEIRD with karasu but i do think that he holds karasu in a higher regard than the other blue lockers…no idea why but it’s canon to me #cryaboutit (also he’s very real for that like i’m fr a shidou kin in that sense SDKLJFH if karasu told me to shut up i simply would!! and i’d be happy about it too!!)

PEOPLE GO CRAZY ABOUT SHIPS IN SUCH WEIRD WAYS it reminds me of jjk where people would cancel artists for shipping gojohime??? like bro is the art is good it’s good why do you care…i used to be scared to reblog smth that wasn’t a popular ship (i liked utahime back in the day and the best utahime artists are in fact usually gojohime shippers) but now idgaf if people want to fight they can fight!! <- me when i reblogged a nagisagi art the other day LMAOOO listen it was fire sorry i don’t ship but i also shouldn’t need to justify that?? like if i think something is pretty i’m going to rb idk why people expect like paragraphs of “omg i DON’T ship this but it was just SO good i was FORCED to reblog like i was held at GUNPOINT but I DEFINITELY do NOT ship” SHUT UPPP goofy asf why do y’all care sm 😭 anyways yeah isagi is lowkey nagi’s number one glazer i feel like in ANY other anime they would def be super popular but oh well…anyways yes i think i mentioned that wayyy back in the beginning when we started talking with how i would want rin to be a second lead to nagi because i think that would actually be the most tortuous thing he could ever endure especially because nagi is a genius (i think i used the word prodigy but in the general sense not bllk sense i meant it the way bllk refers to geniuses though) and rin isn’t?? or isn’t as much?? but yet he still looks down on nagi even though i think nagi is eventually going to surpass him (my prediction is that by the end of the manga that top three will be isagi barou and nagi…they have been there from the START of the manga and have consistently been highlighted as well as they feel more like isagi’s actual rivals whereas rin is more of an obstacle [they call each other rivals in-story but isagi fr just says anything so that doesn’t mean they’re NARRATIVELY rivals yk]) but in a nagi PLUS rin way i think that def adds to their dynamic of like each of them having what the other unknowingly wants SKDJHDSH NAGI RIN PARALLELS WORLD DOMINATION

aiku looks better the further you are from him fr and that honestly is such an oaeu line i feel like karasu or someone would say that (lowkey barou in a particularly hater mood too) but yeah the studio LOVESSS OTOYA??? i’m here for it though #miraeita also side note the way he called darai an idiot was so karasu somehow?? idk how to describe it but bro has definitely gotten meaner i think he’s been spending too much time with karasu because now they’re both assholes 😭 not that otoya was ever NICE but ykwim

every time i consider deleting tumblr because the people in the fandom are too annoying i literally just wait until you send an ask and then i’m like phew yes normal people do exist it’s CRAZY why are people so weird 😭 also wait this is just something really funny i’ve noticed but maybe because the fandom is so small there’s like…friend groups?? IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT i almost made a post abt it but i have mutuals in both of the main groups i’ve noticed and i don’t want to seem like an opp or anything and i also DON’T want to get involved in either group because erm i can’t say it aloud without seeming bitchy but uh…let’s just say that both groups have consistent takes and thoughts that i find by and large #goofyahh but anyways there’s like one really large group that seems to consist of mostly 16 and under fans and then there’s another group of like…kaiser fans?? i think?? and they are the BIGGEST haters you will ever see on this earth KJSDHF PLEASE TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT IT’S CRAZY TO ME BECAUSE LIKE I’LL LOOK AT THE NOTES OF ONE OF MY MUTUAL’S IN EITHER GROUP’S POSTS AND IT’S THE SAME PEOPLE EVERY TIME actually cracks me up lowkey like this fandom is so unserious anyways lowkey may delete this paragraph once you’ve responded because i don’t want proof and evidence of my haterism to remain on here (not that i think most people are reading all of this anyways but jic) but suffice to say i feel like i post a lot for bllk because i love it but i don’t interact with many posts anymore besides like…episode screen caps that i reblog…HAHA

YESS IT HAS BEEN GETTING CHILLY AS OF LATE!! i don’t like the cold but even i’m saying finally just because global warming is going crazy…why was i wearing shorts and a tank top and feeling FINE on halloween?? i used to have to wear coats over my costumes 😭 but omg yes it is entering sick season as well and i have such a frail immune system that i always get something or another but usually it doesn’t happen until december and then it’s kinda nice because i have nothing else to do so i can just cuddle with my dogs and some blankets on the couch and be all nice and cozy and invalid and wallowing

I DO REMEMBER THE OCTUPUS TIK TOK i don’t even remember what it was but i just remember i sent you a funny tik tok that perfectly described the vibes of the aquarium date HAHAH and yeah i do think it was like y/n and hiori making karasu pet the manta rays and stuff with them and him freaking out LMAO they are fr the biggest bullies but it’s okay because karasu kind of deserves it…my strongest fwtkac memory though is when we realized that yukimiya is one cm taller than karasu LMAOOOO it’s the most perfect thing ever because realistically would anyone gaf NO but fwtkac karasu (actually just miraverse karasu in general because they always end up in that one sided beef) CRASHES OUT abt it LMAOOO also somewhat related but all of the moments with karasu standing next to yukimiya crack me up because yeah they both look so handsome together hehe but also it makes the miraverse karasu vs yukimiya one sided beef funnier as there is NO canonical reason for it to continuously keep happening but it DOES 😭

i think the carnivorous pegasi thing is partially just funny because of how random it is?? like as an idea i think it’s cool it’s just very errrr out of left field LKSDJHF someone already commented on the post and said they’d want to read it + the request is from one of my mutuals who isn’t SUPER into bllk and just wanted to make a request to be supportive so i do think i’m going to continue with the idea especially because i already wrote over 2k words for it and i don’t feel like deleting and coming up with smth new sooo we will be getting carnivorous pegasi racing au!! listen no one can ever say i’m unoriginal i do not think those words have ever been put together in that order before (and if another carnivorous pegasi racing au comes out before i post mine i will be calling plagiarism)…i do think that that’s the vibe that most people were EXPECTING when they requested fantasy (like royalty, knights and dragons and wizards etc) but i find those kinda boring and repetitive?? i wanted to do smth different that was still TECHNICALLY fantasy (like kaiser being an angel or the characters racing pegasi) but different kinds of fantasy than what your mind automatically goes to (that’s why i made the event request format very general…i wanted the freedom to cook up my own ideas while still doing what other people wanted if that makes sense??) but YESSS okay it’s so silly but i do think i’m pretty good at writing sae like he’s unfortunately really really easy for me to write which is annoying because he’s definitely an opp but like idk smth about him just fits with the miraverse male lead conventions super well he also handles Situations super nicely…idt anyone else could pull off being the male lead of a rivals to lovers carnivorous pegasi racing au but he’s taking it with grace so props to him for that

IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOU CAN!! just send it in a separate ask ofc so i can respond once i get around to writing it but idm if you change since i haven’t even begun to write it yet…i already had to replace one of the requests because the person who made the reo req deactivated their account and i was like ok well i feel like it would be kinda unfair if i write a request for someone who isn’t even on tumblr and ergo will never see it so i opened up reqs again for like half a day and said the first person in can come up w something to replace it LMAOO so now instead of reo + childhood friends to lovers and angst we have enemies to lovers/love triangle with hiori (and yukimiya as a second lead) so yeah feel free to change your tropes or the character you want or whatever HAHA it’ll probably be a while before i get to yours (i still have to finish this sae one and then idk what i’ll do next so) so you def have a bit to mull it over if you want

[bikelock28]

10 & 15 please?

10. Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

Many of the reviews for An Autumn say how they dislike Sirius in that fic. This surprised me because I thought I think his actions are understandable- also he's like 13! If the audience consistently feed back something you weren't expecting or aiming for, that's probably your writing not doing what you want it to. But when I tried to edit that fic there wasn't anything I wanted to change.

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

Lol, someone asked me this on Ao3 and my chaos was truly revealed. Here is the answer I wrote there:

I find titles tricky and cringey to come up with. I don't particularly enjoy it and usually leave it until last.

This fic is called Pluto because the original (since-deleted) Chapter 1 was saved on my laptop was LupTo, as in LupinTonks. I realised it was an anagram of Pluto and thought that was a cool title. It's not an intentional metaphor for distance/ loneliness, but you can read that into it if you want.

- This chapter's title was Sticky Wicket, which is an British idiom (possibly also in other English-speaking countries, I dunno) meaning a tight spot/difficult situation/a Catch-22. Which is obviously what's happening in the chapter, and I thought it would be more fun, weird and interesting to swap the first letters. - Sardines For Dinner is a line from Juicy by Notorious BIG- nothing whatsoever to do with the chapter. - I don't like calling all multi-parters Part 1/2 etc, so I sometimes name them after pairs: Marmalade/Jam, Phobos/Deimos. - Strawberry Moon is the full moon in June, the one which happens in the chapter. - For the chapter with 3 points of view, I called it 180 because, like, triangles, angles, degrees, 180. #maths - Q is because, like, there's lots of questioning going on in that chapter. - Ziekenhuis is German (?) for Hospital (?) and Cabina Di Confessione is Portugese (?) for Confessional (?) - I might be misremembering those languages and translations. I found them by shoving the chapters' working titles into Google Translate and messing around until I found a translation I liked. - Glittery was because it's about excitement and attraction. - exweyezed is random. - Kips is named after the Friends episode The One With The Kips, when Chandler thinks that Monica 's breaking up with him because they have one fight, like Lupin does in the chapter.

In conclusion, the titles are all disconnected from each other. There is no pattern. As you can see, some of them relate to the chapter in some way or other, while others are completely irrelevant. Ted Talks are my favourite titles, I think that was pretty clever.

....see? Chaotic.

[transgirlfiend]

Went back to compare with the references! Adam - Yay! so cutes! Lilith - I fucked up the top of the cross she's crucified on and the angle of the lance of longinus stabbing her should be rotated 90 degrees, but Lilith Herself is pretty much accurate. I just don't think I executed the drawing very well, something about her is fucked up to me. Sachiel - Happy with this one! all I'm missing here are the thin thigh plates, very tiny "bones" around the face, and one dot per shoulder, which while i feel kind of sounds like a lot written down, makes very little difference in the image itself (to me). Shamshel - Wonky posture, shoulders are too low, and so is the ribcage thingy. While I don't think I got anything exactly wrong, my Shamshel plushie has definitely distorted my memory of the show's proportions/appearance. Ramiel - :) She's unforgettable! Gaghiel - Sheesh it turns out i barely remembered what this one looked like, I got the head shape right, but the little mask face isn't supposed to be outlined, and pretty much everything else is completely off. oh well, it's a fish, I drew a fish. Probably registers as 'close enough' though. Is it my least favorite angel? Maybe. Sorry Gaghiel. Israfel - It's not too far off, but I didn't remember that it had feet and it's missing the bigger pair of "ribs". I also drew it's "armor" incorrectly, neglecting the 'plating' on the legs, and the semi-circle cut outs above the head and at the crotch area respectively. Sandalphon - I was pretty confident this one was close at the time, turns out- not so much. Majorly forgetting that the design of what i thought was the tail was actually supposed to be two arms(!!) and also neglecting the iconic eye spots! Apologies Sandalphon, you deserved better. Matarael - Center eye on the bottom maybe a little too big, circular 'eyes' on the side should have been upside down triangles, and it has flat feet instead of points. However I am willing to consider these 'small details' and say that this is another one I'm proud of! Sahaquiel - Only giving it three fingers per side instead of 5 jumps out as an obvious miss when presented with the reference, also I fucked up the eyelashes somewhat severely, but it's still pretty recognizable I think. Ireul - Is it kind of cheating to just draw the infected magi display? maybe, but it's not like Ireul actually looks like *anything*. Leliel - What can I say? I know what Leliel looks like. Bardiel - I am not good at drawing the evas, and didn't just want to draw a terrible rendition of unit 03, and the fucked up entry plug all covered in strings is one of the only shots we get of the angel's actual "body". I think this one I think is "close enough" for resemblance to the shot, but my version has the entry plug extended a bit too far and it is also coming out of just like, a football shape with no additional details. Zeruel - I was like 100% sure while doing this that Zeruel's body was not all black, but couldn't visualize what the patterning actually was. The head is a little too low (and too big), and is missing the mask outlining that I drew on gaghiel for some reason. Also no back triangles. Arael - Kind of? It's close-ish but the silhouette/shape is undeniably off compared to the real thing unfortunately. Armisael - This one would be very hard to fuck up I think lol. Kaworu/Tabris - So no head?

Angels drawn quickly from memory