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thatnamelessbutler · 3 years

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(OoC: So, what's the AU thing about?)

((ooc: Okay so basically I got an idea form a song completely unrelated to the fandom and long story short, Bi n Bu are no longer able to escape from the Egg except through a very specific method, and then Karl comes back along and bippity boppity your body is now our property!

So, yeah. Body-swap AU except Karl kinda dies because to get the swap to work everyone's body had to die. Karl's gets healed afterwards through magical time shenanigans-

So Billiam and Rune(Bu's new name in this AU) wake up in the library, in our current DSMP present, in the weird body of this weird guy who's apparently a weird color-shapeshifter.(yeah, i'm going with the cryptid creature Karl for this one because. it's cool as heck and I never see this anywhere)

a little while after they wake up in the present, karl wakes up after being dormant because he literally died and it's like "HEY WAIT WHAT THE HECK YOU STOLE MY BODY" and everyone else goes "shit shit shit shit"

p.s if you're wondering where hubert is he's dead. the egg killed nearly everyone except billiam and butler because bi is its main caretaker and bu will never leave his side

(more under the cut please there's so much and i actually love this au so much)

Now I'm not a system but I imagine these four(yes, four; Billiam, Rune, Piam(Billiam's Piglin side), and Tune(Bu's Other) operate kind of like one. They have an innerworld and everything, they aren't just all constantly crammed into the front. That would get confusing, stressful and difficult to manage overall. Bu's usually the one fronting because no one else wants to; Billiam doesn't wanna do it because he doesn't wanna mingle with the "poor", Tune doesn't wanna do it because it always gets tripped up with literally everything about the body, it's not even dangerous enough to protect now, and Piam doesn't wanna do it because he's kind of scared of the Overworld someone that doesn't know how to be a Human Person

Oh yeah and I've also talked about all this and more with my bestie so here's a copy-paste of that conversation-

I think an encounter with Sapnap and/or Quackity would go terribly too, until they sit down and explain things as best they can wait no actually "So basically, we killed your fiancée so we could inhabit his body and escape from a really bad situation. sorry" Acid Sapanap would go feral and I can't even begin to conceive what extremely destructive thoughts Quackoty would start having Me MHM Sapnap probably pulls a sword on them and they automatically reach for their own before remembering "Oh shit, we don't have it. OH SHIT-" and then they just gotta r u n Butler's trying desperately to teleport but without a pearl, eeeeeh that's not gonna do anything buddy I'm not sure if Karl has armor in his inventory or not but either way they wouldn't have the time or coordination to equip it Acid they just immediately die it'd be so funny Me "NOT AGAIN, WE JUST GOT FREE- death" Now lets hope either Karl has some extra canon lives, or those lives Billiam bought carry over Acid PFFFFT, BILLIAM'S LIVES GET CARRIED WITH THEM AND IT'S JUST revives ok listen we don't gotta dies revives please let's just dies revives why do you do t dies revives this is just gonna last forever isn't it? dies rev- Me wheeze YEAH "GET OUT OF KARL'S BODY!" "We can't!! It's already been done!! dies" "WHY WON'T YOU DIE!!?" "We are!!??" ohhh, bonus angst points if every time they die, Butler goes a little more dormant- Butler was only meant to have one life, he never got any Totems and his soul cannot take this in the way Billiam's can After about 15 deaths, Billiam gets Sapnap to stop for about five seconds, and in those five seconds he realizes that he can no longer hear or feel Butler Acid oh god Me If he manages to get far enough away and find someplace to hide(perhaps the library again), he dips into the headspace and finds Butler just gone. He looks around for a while and finds them far away from where they were, collapsed on the ground, flickering slightly, and entirely unresponsive. And no matter how much he tries, they just won't wake up, and their Ender half has disappeared completely. He can't do anything except wait for them. Acid fjsjdj oh my god imagine Billiam just goes feral after that he's like "what did you do to m y B u t l e r" and just jumps on Sapnap with his bare hands Me Oh absolutely, he will Murder Sapnap without a second thought and he doesn't care how many deaths he has to go through to do it even though dying more will make it take longer for butler to wake up, and then afterwards he'll be pacing around random areas stress-stimming intensely and waiting for his child to wake up Acid yeap Me Somehow he finds his way to Kinoko Kingdom and is like "oh, this looks like a good place for a walk" and then spends the entire time not actually looking at anything and drowned in anxiety

AND THEN THESE WERE LAST NIGHT'S THOUGHTS, SOMEHOW LATER ON THEY END UP AT SAPNAP'S PLACE CAUSE THEY TECHNICALLY DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO STAY Unless you count the library but I don't think that would be very comfortable-

Anyway, Rune was fronting when they fell asleep and then their chronic nightmares came back. Sapnap wakes up(or was he ever really sleeping?) to some almost animalistic gasping in the other room and runs in to find Karl Karl's body curled on the bed, barely humanoid and random flashes of color spiking over him in waves and clawlike hands digging into his head

So he tries to wake him up, and when he does Bu's first reaction is to scramble away in pure terror because he's not fully out of the nightmare yet, there are even tears running down his face that just get absorbed back into the mass of color. Sapnap tries to calm him down, and eventually succeeds enough to ask him what the hell happened, and who's fronting once he remembers that that is a thing-

Thing is, Bu's gone nonverbal, but hey at least Karl was some sort of shapeshifter so they can just shift blobs of color into the air to answer Sapnap's questions

He very quickly learns only to ask yes/no ones because he can't read Galactic which is the only thing Bu can respond in, but that whole night ends on a pretty good note :3

Acid IS KARL IN THE SYSTEM CANON? HE'D BE THE MAIN FRONTER IF IT IS I THINK Me After that nightmare Rune finds himself trusting Sapnap a little more but also not as able to front, he's just so tired of it. No one else wants to front, he always has to stay there and he never gets a break. At least before, Tune had control during the night and he got to rest some. Now his sleep schedule is just as abhorred as before and no one else even comes near the front. He tries as long as he can, for everyone else's sake, but after weeks of fronting alone he just can't anymore. So he finally leaves the front and just collapses face-first into idk a patch of grass in the innerworld or something, and he's so exhausted of being a person that he can't even think straight, He doesn't want consolation, he doesn't want promises, he doesn't even want cuddles he just wants someone else to take over for a bit. Me OOH MAYBE He wakes up and wanders around the innerworld figuring out what the heck is going on and wondering why he can't see the outside anymore and oh god is he dead, are they all dead maybe they're all dead and none of them know it, and then Rune comes out of front and practically begs to not have to be a person anymore, he tells Karl "please i just want a break, just go out there or get someone else to go out there for a while please" and, well, Karl takes a chance and goes out to front and holy shit is this the real world, holy shit are those his fiancées, holy s h i t Acid THAT'S THE BESR OUTCOME ACTUALLY Me YESSSSSSSSS MASQUERADE SYSTEM + KARL THE MAN HIMSELF JACOBS Acid YESSS Me Karl and Rune are now host and co-host, because. no one else wants to front Acid Karl tricking Billiam into fronting.mp4 Me GSHDFGBSGDHFBSF Rune and Karl lock him into front and Rune proceeds to lean against the nearest flat surface, slide down and then dissociate for the next couple/several hours Karl makes sure no one disturbs him, even if Tune and Piam are Very Worried about their exhausted Human hybrid Acid them taking care of Rune (affectionate)

Acid OK WAIT I WAS THINKING AND IN SYSTEMS PEOPLE USUALLY MANIFEST SO I WAS THINKING HOW THAT'D WORK IN THE MASQUERADE SYS AND I REALIZED THAT EVERYONE IN THERE IS TECHNICALLY DEAD IN A WAY WHAT IF THAT'S THIS AU'S LIMBO? ONE DAY WILBUR POPS UP AND COMMITS MULTIPLE CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY Me HOLY SHIT OH SHIT EVERYONE THAT PERMA-DIES JUST ENDS UP AS AN ALTER IN KARL'S WEIRD COLOR-SHAPESHIFTING BODY XDDD You can always tell who's fronting by the colors, as long as you actually know them enough to know their colors- Acid Wilbur: hello Quackity, I am BAC- Karl: oh my GOD Wilbur shut the FUCK UP we understand it you're gay now please get out of front I have a date in 10 minutes Acid OOOOO YES Me Like Rune is purple/pink(mainly pink) gray-red/dark purple/orange/green eyes(right/right/left/left, respectively), and then he has some other colors sifting through, like a dark indigo-blue and a yellow the color of Endstone Tune is all of that but some of it is darker(the pinks/purples and Endstone color), some of it's the same(the eyes, except they have a light pink shine over them) and some of it is inverted. Clouds will waft around the body when it's fronting and whenever you look through the clouds you'll see the colors inverted Billiam is solidly pale pink except for his eyes(maroon) and his hands and feet(gold, with veins streaking out and tapering off at about the elbow) Piam is a slightly redder pink, with spots of a Netherrack color here and there, and his gold is more orangey, like there's fire reflecting off of it karl is just. karl. Of course he's got the signature swirls in bright violent and teal but other than that he's just a smorgasbord of color, usually bright and neon. When he's near/thinking about Sapnap and/or Quackity, little hearts start popping off him

#Relyn Records #infodump #ask to tag #i don't know if there are any systems following me but if i got anything wrong please tell me i do not want to slander your name-#anyway i may have accidentally made them a system found-family

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tartagliaxx · 3 years

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first off, hello 🤷‍♀️ anon! sorry i missed you out

and secondly, dw, marius is my favourite too lol, he reminds me a lot of my younger cousin who i lived with when i was younger. i was always the one who took care of him and marius calling me older sister just set off so much memories of my childhood. the both of them are also vv similar in personality, attention seeking, playful and artistic so i always see him whenever i look at marius.

artem is probably my second favourite ngl, ever since i read his ssr where he was jealous and got drunk (what a good combination lmao) i just grew so soft for him. at the end of the day, he's just a vv soft sweetheart who's insecure that we'll leave him :(( i have like 3 ssrs at lvl36, two of them are artem cards and the other is luke. i vibe with luke too bc i love the childhood friends trope, it's top tier. and as for vyn... i have vv mixed feelings abt him. i feel like he could so easily see through me if he was real and i'm just like, how about no. he's rlly pretty though, like rlly pretty.

*major spoilers*

and you've finished the archon quests!!! personally, i feel like the ending felt a bit rushed(?). it's weird bc i thought the resistance war against the raiden shogun was supposed to be the center of the story, but it just devolved to us helping yae with the entire war being swept to the side. and i already knew somebody was gonna die, and as soon as i saw that teppei had become the captain, i just knew.

it's interesting bc i would love to explore what happened to la signora and scaramouche to make them so disregarding of human life. like, i don't like them, but i want to understand their minds. it's sad to read signora's artifact's background honestly. and the fact that her crown said she used to be called rosalyne, that she had perhaps once led a more innocent and naive existence. i dunno, to me it seems like a good ending for her honestly, she had already lost herself after her lover's death and brings pain to many others, i don't think she can rlly return to being her again.

and honestly, a lot of people are talking abt scaramouche not telling signora he already had the gnosis and saying that he orchestrated her death, i don't rlly think so. i feel like he's just that apathetic to human life, even if it's someone that stands on his side, he just doesn't care enough. it also says how he never got along with anyone, not even his fellow harbingers, so i don't know why ppl expect him to seek out someone he doesn't like just to warn her of danger.

i vibe with scaramouche and la signora as the antagonists bc they're good antagonists, but as characters, well. other than the fact that they're pretty, they have like one likeable trait and that is their loyalty. they would do anything for the tsaritsa even if it cost them their life. i'm rlly excited to see what the tsaritsa has in store for us in the future.

considering our sibling is nicknamed 'the prince/princess', i wonder if there's gonna be a day where we're gonna have to go toe to toe with them. if we had them backed them into a corner with no way out, i wonder if they would kill us. it would be an interesting twist if we could actually die, but i feel like the protagonist halo will prevent it lol and i'm sorry bc god, this is so long.

— r. anon

marius. that’s the tweet. man,, you dont realize how in love i am w him?? like,, this man was literally my only hope when i fell horribly sick. i cant w myself now that i’m hearing it w my own voice. it must be nice to remember the good ol’ days… i despise my cousins and i dont have siblings so i dont really have that sort of connection w him. to me, his onee-san is just a joke? a petname? idk but it simultaneously makes me so mad and giddy just like childe’s existence does

i like vyn bc his vibes are sus but at the same time, he’s cares abt our mental health 🥺👉👈 no one’s ever said shit like that to me… jokes aside, luke is seriously threatening his spot bc of his blushing bs like pls 🤲 i’m so weak for that shit give me more. artem makes me soft too like,, he keeps mentioning that he trusts us and he’s just…. HE’S A BIG TEDDY BEAR THAT BLUSHES AT LIKE ACCIDENTAL HAND BRUSHES GRRRR. in conclusion, i love them all.

but man,, give me ssr luck… literally, im in pain…

now that the excitement’s worn off, i can now judge things properly. i think that… the pacing is horrible. like the plot is good, genuinely, but there’s just,, so much to explore abt this. if you think abt it, this is the climax and yet we didnt get much. scratch that. we got a lot but it’s all underdeveloped that it felt like nothing. we go to sangonimiya, got promoted, became captain for like, one sec before we are sent onto an investigation that didnt really produce any results bc app teppei alr knows everything? and then the delusion thing is a good plot point but it’s not really explored? just… a lot of things are left unexplored and i think that story wise, a lot of the possible lore explanations went down the drain. it would’ve been nice if we saw more abt the rebellion and if we had gotten to know whats the real deal w the commissions but eh… idk… i would’ve rather done more quests abt this whole storyline than like… do that whole dance w the three people who lost their vision in 2.0.

if im going to be honest, la signora is such a wasted character. like maybe her death was just for the shock factor or maybe it’s to prepare us for more harbinger encounters in the future.. idk but she’s such a good character from what we’ve seen but we know jack shit abt her and her motives. we know a little from the artifact set but beyond that, what do we have?

precisely! that’s how i feel abt this whole thing when we’re talking seriously. like w ei, i dont really agree w whatever they’re doing but i want to understand why they do the things that they do. everything has a reason and their psychology is just interesting to me.

i think scaramouche’s nature makes it easy for him to disregard human life. call it arrogance or whatever but ultimately, he’s seeing himself as smth above all these people bc he’s more or less capable of standing toe to toe w a god. why should he bother telling signora? it’s not like he gains anything if he does. i think that when he got the gnosis, he’s just ‘well she dies if she dies. who cares abt that? i dont have any need for incompetent colleagues anw’ i agree and i dont think he orchestrated her death but at the same time, he just allowed it to happen too.

as for signora, i’m actually surprised? for the most part, i think that the harbingers took their posts for selfish reasons. for scara, it’s to entertain himself and pass time. for childe, it’s to fight and grow stronger. for dottore, it’s to conduct dubious research w/o anyone stopping him. i expected signora to have some similar motive like power or money but it seems like she does actually believe in the tsaritsa? it would be very intriguing if signora’s main motive in becoming a harbinger is simply bc she is loyal to the tsaritsa and her will. bc in contrast, i think scara and dottore are more loyal to the fact that the tsaritsa can give them what they want, not bc they actually like her. actually, idek if they’re willing to die for her lol. like i wouldnt be surprised if they suddenly abandon post in a life or death situation but who knows…

in any case, they are very good antagonists. i like yo think that the tsaritsa isnt as bad as the game portrays her to be… of all the gods, she’s the one im looking forward to the most but… haha… what version would that be….

i’m almost certain that they’ll make us fight our twin maybe before we face the unknown god? if one of them dies, i would be very sad. like legit. but knowing mhy, well, our twin is almost 100% a walking death flag.

anw i’m shutting up rn— i also spoke too much kahdjabdhakbsjansb—

#˗ˋˏ°• letters from cat island •°ˎˊ˗#˗ˋˏ°• from my darling : r •°ˎˊ˗#inazuma spoilers

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1213

Have you ever been in weather below 0 Fahrenheit (-17 Celsius)? Nah. The coldest I’ve experienced was probably something like 10 or 11ºC, when I was in Japan. At the time I still didn’t care too much for traveling and ended up being really underdressed for the weather, so I was extremely uncomfortable the whole time we were roaming around the city. Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm? LOL yes, notably on the last night of my college internship. My car was parked in another building so I had to walk outdoors, when all of a sudden it fucking poured. I ran to the nearest building for shelter but I was still absolutely drenched and ended up having to call my mom (who works in the same city) to ask her to come pick me up.

What’s your favorite macaron flavor? Chocnut or milk chocolate.

How often do you have friends over to your house? Once in a blue moon. I had my ex over all the time but since then I’ve only had one friend - Angela - come over once.

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? I mean, we’re very open with each other with regard to our frustrations at work. That could technically count as unprofessional but I’m honestly just glad we don’t have to be fake around one another and pretend like everything’s dandy.

How many times have you stayed at a hotel in the past year, and where? Just once, for my dad’s birthday. We stayed in Tagaytay for a weekend though we Airbnb’d a condo unit and not a hotel.

Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? Nah. I could try but I’m too afraid of not being able to support myself and accidentally breaking my neck or something.

What about a flip off of a diving board? Nope.

Are you embarrassed by your school yearbook photos? No. I barely look at them and I’m sure people barely look at yearbooks too.

Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? My grandma.

Currently how many pictures are on your cellphone? 8,067. There used to be around 10,000 but I had a ‘huge’ deleting spree that brought it down to around 6,000 – but clearly I’ve brought it back up again lol.

Do you think dimples are cute? Yes, super.

Would you rather chew fruity or minty gum? It’s whatever. They all lost their taste anyway.

The last time you went to the mall, who did you go with? Just me. That’s usually the case nowadays.

What’s something you used to collect when you were younger? Pogs.

Have you watched a movie today? I haven’t watched a movie since like September.

Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? Angela’s, but it was super brief as I only went in to greet her parents.

Do you love soft pretzels? Yep, that’s how I prefer my pretzels as well.

Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? I really have no clue. I haven’t been around too many people in such a long time, much less people who’ve cried in front of me. I want to say maybe Gabie???? during one of our last meet-ups. The name feels so foreign now.

Are you more likely to like someone before you really know them, or do you feel you like them more after you know a lot about them? After.

Do you buy people cards on special occasions, or do you prefer to make your own? Giving people cards isn’t much of a tradition here. We’d much rather get you a physical gift altogether.

When was the last time you were being hypocritical? I probably do it without realizing, so I can’t say exactly when.

Where on your body was the last cramp you had? Why did you have this cramp? Fortunately I haven’t had one in a while but I usually get cramps on my neck and shoulders after a whole day at work.

What is the weirdest name you’ve ever heard? My sister went to school with this girl whose name was her surname in reverse.

Do you get embarrassed when people hear you sing/compliment you on your singing ability? If so, why is that? Yeah. I’m not confident in my singing, so I never sing around people and it would embarrass me if I was ever caught/heard.

Are you good at comforting people when they’re upset? I try to be. It works for some people.

Do you have any exercises you do everyday? Nah.

Do you own one of those singing fish? Do you think they are silly or funny? I don’t know what this is referring to.

Has anyone ever accused you of being bipolar or any other mental disorder? Do you really have any mental disorders? No one has accused me; at least not to my face. As for the second question, I’m sure I have one or two; I’ve just never gotten myself professionally checked.

Did you buy the last thing you bought with your own money? If not, whose money did you buy it with? Yabu because I was craving; paid with my own money. It actually feels pretty weird because Yabu had been mine and my ex’s thing, and I haven’t had their food since the breakup. I’m looking forward to having it again tonight and finally changing the narrative for it.

Do you like to put your feet up on the dashboards of cars? Do you parents yell at you if you do that in cars? I don’t like to do it but I’ll sometimes do it if I wanna feel relaxed. No, it wouldn’t bother them too much.

Which Beatle is your favorite, or do you love them all equally? I don’t listen to them.

Do you enjoy classic rock? If so, who are some of your favorite classic rock artists? Not really, but I have nothing against it.

Did you ever own a Tamagotchi? Yep.

Are you more of a dog or cat person? Dog.

Have you ever failed math? Just the advanced courses, like calculus, back in high school. I find math pretty fun and easy if I get the topic and know the formulas; but if I find something hard, it’s very difficult for me to keep up. There’s really no in between haha I either pass with flying colors or absolutely flop.

Skittles! What's your favorite color? Whichever’s not too sour. Idk, I never buy Skittles.

Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? Nope but I used to have nightmares of watching my loved ones get shot.

What would you want your last words to be if you could choose them? That I had fun.

Can you sleep with the light on? Only if I’m pissed tired. Otherwise bright lights would bother me.

What’s the most bizarre horror movie you’ve ever seen? I know my answer won’t count as it doesn’t technically fall under horror, but Eraserhead was just very bizarre and unsettling. I’ve never seen the whole film without pausing several times.

What band can’t you stand listening to? Again, this probably won’t count as they’re a boy band/group more than anything, but I cannot stand The Vamps.

Would you ever take a lie detector test for your significant other? Yeah, sure, I guess, for fun. I think those are mostly bullshit anyway so I’ll only take a test with bullshit questions as well.

What is your favorite Mystery/Crime/FBI related show? Those genres never really were my cup of tea.

Would you ever have a bird as a pet? We had two lovebirds some years ago. They were lovely, but idk if we’d do it again. No reason, just that we prefer dogs.

How's your relationship between you and your grandparents? It’s great, even with my maternal grandpa who’s already passed. But I’m well aware of the fact that they’re also a bit wary of me since I’m the most vocal and outspoken of all their grandchildren, whereas they’re intensely conservative and traditional. Still, I always feel their love, especially through food and how they always make sure to stuff me whenever I come over haha.

Ever had a forbidden love or lover? In a sense, yeah. I was in a same-sex relationship that I hid from my family for four years.

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? I’ve never been to a funeral but I doubt I could speak at one without breaking down.

Do you know someone who’s been cremated? Yes, my grandpa was cremated.

What is your current problem? Just some deliverables at work that I would rather not think about now.

Do you like canopy beds? Eh, I don’t mind them.

What is your favorite animated movie? Toy Story.

Would you rather live in a small town or a big city? Big city. I need lots of noise, lots of activity and lights where I live. I’ve lived in suburban neighborhoods all my life and I would love a change in pace.

If you could summon any animal to come to your rescue, what animal would it be and why? Idk.

Have you ever watched The Golden Girls? I’ve watched snippets and it’s HILARIOUS. I’ve always wanted to start the series but never knew where to watch it.

Did you ever like the Ninja Turtles? Was never into it, no.

Last alcoholic drink you had? Peach soju and plum soju that got me absolutely hammered.

What are you known for? These days, probably for doing an extreme 180 and having my life be all about BTS now.

Has anyone ever threatened you? Yes.

Have you ever gone frog hunting? No? Doesn’t sound like my type of activity at all.

Do you ever suffer from dry skin? Yeah my face is a little dry, but I don’t think it’s something I ‘suffer’ from since no issues have come out of it so far. It’s just the way it is.

Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal? Not a stuffed animal but I need to hug a pillow to fall asleep.

What’s the weather like right this moment? It’s weather that says “it’s gonna get really hot in an hour or so” and I’m not enjoying that very much.

Do you bite on straws, lollipop handles, or ice cream sticks? If there’s no trash can around, I tend to.

In what type of area was your first sexual encounter? It was in a hotel.

Where is your mother’s side of the family descended from? Just somewhere in the Philippines.

What do you occupy your time with on flights? I’m honestly really happy with just staring out the window. If not that, I bring something to read or listen to music. I haven’t had a flight that lasted 6+ hours, but I imagine I would also bring my laptop for a series or movies to watch if I find myself in that situation.

Do you dog-ear pages in books? Yup.

What’s a made up word of yours? I don’t think I have any.

Do you use Q-Tips? I do.

Ever gone out with somebody you didn’t like? No. I don’t think I could bring myself to do that.

What hero or heroine do you most relate to in history, fiction, or song? I don’t really like content with a hero/ine plot.

What makes you dizzy? Amusement park rides, car rides, headaches.

Are your parents liberal or conservative? Conservative.

Do you like your teeth? Did you have braces? Not my middle teeth, but in general yeah. I did have braces but I lost my retainers at one point so my teeth just went back to their original position eventually.

Are you happy with your height? It’s fine. I’m small but it’s the average here so I don’t really complain.

#survey #surveys

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thecanadianowl · 3 years

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Justice league Snydercut review

Wow talk about a long movie. Remember Mass Effect's 3 shit endings that were later improved (sorta) with DLCs. Well that is kinda how this movie is.

Before we start this, I just wanna say that I was very impartial throughout the whole snydercut movement. I wasn't part of it but I do see the good that they did in regards to some of their charities and with how the fandom itself has been painted in a negative light. So its good that they got what they have been demanding for quite some time. Snyder as director for me, I really am not the biggest fan of. His movies have some great cinematic moments that look amazing but the context around it is what muddles it for me.

Is it better than Whedon's JL? YES. To start I'll look at some of the things that I do like.

I do like how it was split into parts. Gives it that miniseries/Comic book feel

Thank god they removed that stupid cringy flash landing on top of Diana's chest scene.

Darkseid looks good. I know some people have issues with it but I liked it. I mean looking at it first glance has me convinced its Darkseid. His voice isn't too bad either. Reminds me a bit of Injustice 2.

As much as I have issues with Darkseid being introduced so early I do like that he had a brief confrontation/glaredown with the League, foreshadowing a possible in person encounter and that the League needs to expand if they are going to fight against Darkseid.

Steppenwolf's design has greatly improved and looks better than before.

Loved the scenes between Alfred and Diana. Wish there was more of that.

I loved how the movie added Cyborg, Aquaman and Flash attempting to stop Superman from getting to Batman. I also liked how in this version, Batman pleading to Clark's humanity telling him that world needs him and he needs to snap out of it. Also bonus for taking out that scene of Batman on the ground groaning about how old he is getting.

Okay seeing Clark get the black suit and having the voiceovers of both his father's merge together works in terms of Clark's arc into becoming the person he was meant to be. Also like the use of Zimmerman's Ideal of Hope score wished they let it play out a little longer. Probably my favourite moment in the film is where Superman just takes Steppenwolf's Axe like its nothing and freezes it.

Now to go into some of the more critical stuff that bugged me when watching.

For a movie that is 4 hours long, pacing issues were bound to happen. I think the first example of this can be found in the opening with the Superman scream wave (which started to get a bit hilarious when his screams could be heard every now and then) hitting all three mother boxes. they are shown individually reacting to it and it takes time, where it could have just showed them together or an compilation of each of the motherboxes waking up. I know it Snyder's thing but tone down on the slow mo. Like some instances its fine (like with bullet time or Flash's scenes) but other instances I'm just like alright I get it.

The scene involving Cyborg transferring money into that single mother's bank account. Is he gonna do this for all the people suffering just like her? or just for that one person? I mean if you can hack into the world monetary system, you can solve a lot of financial issues affecting the majoirty and not just one person. Did I miss the scene but why did Cyborg go from helping one poor person, suggesting the potential good he can do to change the world for the better to "Fuck the world". Seems a bit inconsistent in character. Especially since he knows who Diana is (from what he says) and that Parademons are after the motherbox. Maybe her offering help, you should take it? idk Vic. Also the whole Auto defense system malfunction, would it not be better if this was established beforehand where we see Vic struggling to maintain his body's autonomy leading up to the Superman confrontation? Prior to that it seemed he had it under control and his biggest conflict throughout the movie seemed more to be with him coming to terms with his new body. With that being said, Cyborg's character here is much more interesting and better than it was originally. I can see why Ray Fisher is so pissed (well that and the abuse he faced). I am glad this was improved and gave the character a lot more to do.

The movie still has the same issue as before in regards to the whole motherbox plot and how convenient it was that all three are located on earth. You would think that with the involvement of Darkseid/Steppenwolf that separating them to distinct locations across space would make it more difficult to collect them. I mean we know that the Green Lanterns exist (we saw one get chomped), you'd think that they or the guardians would take one and secure it on Oa. The pushback to this would be "well there was only one green lantern and he died, so how could they retrieve the box?" which begs my question, why send only one? I mean it has been established that Darkseid is a known conqueror of worlds, you'd think the Guardians would be smart enough to send more than one Lantern to aid Earth in their fight. Did they not think it would be a good idea to have the corps be more involved/keep an eye on earth since it is the only planet that was able to repel Darkseid's forces?

Why is it that the best idea of security when it comes to humans is to bury it? Would it not be better in optics to look over it and know its location instead of dropping it somewhere on the off chance that someone might find it due to being curious or the land changing/altering making the box more easy to attain? A situation as dire/serious as this, you would think that the Amazons/Atlanteans would have been better prepped with armor/weapons for such an event. I mean you have the arrow of Artemis that shoots quite a distance to give Diana a message but not some kind of weapon that hurts/cripples Steppenwolf? Or better yet, how about the moment that the boxes started acting up after Superman's death, that Atlantis/Themiscarya would put aside any differences they had with one another and to the outside world to come together to secure the boxes? How could Darkseid forget the name of the only planet that was able to force him to retreat? nor does he know that it harbors the anti life?

Did this movie break Aquaman's continuity? because from the dialogue between Mera and Arthur, its implied that Atlanna abandoned/left Arthur at Tom's doorsteps whereas in the movie, we see Atlanna spend a couple of years with Tom and raising baby Arthur before she was forced to come back. You'd think Zack being a producer for the Aquaman movie would have edited that line or made it more clear. Well that or James Wan F'ed up when making the movie.

"I've never seen a being as strong as Steppenwolf" Did Diana just forget Ares aka the god of war who killed the Greek Pantheon/Old gods and orchestrated the first World War? Hell from the looks of the flashback it seemed Ares (I'm assuming its Ares, if its Hades, my bad) was getting some good hits in on Darkseid, who is superior to Steppenwolf. While we are on the topic of Diana, it's a bit odd that Snyder who was a producer on WW84 where one of the biggest focuses on the movie that Patty Jenkins talked about was how Diana doesn't solve her problems with violence (even though her primary weapons in this movie are a sword and shield but okay. Then again New 52 hasn't done a good job in disproving that), yet in this movie we see her using her gauntlet smash to fucking kill the one remaining terorrist. Like sure you can argue that they were terrorists and deserve to die, but given how easy and quick it was for her to take out the previous guys, why do something that runs the risks of destroying the very building that you are in (with hostages). I mean from the look of the blast and how much debris fell from the building outside, and it was a miracle no one (but the terrorist) got hurt/killed.

Why did Steppenwolf kidnap them in the first place? Just use that mind extracting device you used on the Atlantean soldier to see if they know. Seems like a waste of time to collect them in one location only to interrogate them later.

Okay, I'm sorry but even in this cut I still don't like Miller's Barry Allen. He isn't as bad as he was in the theatrical cut but man does it stick out. When he is helping to escort the kidnapped civilians out, why doesn't he just grab them and transfer them to a safe distance? He even makes a comment about how slow they are going. Can I also just say how weird it is for Barry to take time saving Iris to caress her hair and look at her more creepily in slow mo? Like yeah its in slow mo but still I think your priority should be to get everyone to safety as quick as possible and check if anyone else could get hurt. I will admit that Barry's speech as he is running so fast to reverse time at the end was really good. Tho the more I think about all the slow mo Flash scenes are good.

They still kept the "Let's use the mother box to bring back Superman plot". Why? This is a piece of tech that you don't fully understand how it works and you are going on the whims of someone you just met. Especially if they come back as a different person/mindset all together. If Superman 's death was the reason that allowed for the Mother box to call to Steppenwolf/Darkseid, what the hell were they doing prior to Superman's arrival on earth? I mean we've seen how easy it was for Steppenwolf to attain the two boxes even if they were guarded, so why the wait ?. I get that Batman is going through an arc and trying to change from the person he was but how does go from "1% chance of absolute certainty" to "let's go on a whim and have faith" when it comes to resurrecting Superman?

Its gonna be awkward as to how Clark will explain his sudden return from the grave around the same time Superman came back.

I was wondering when the Knightmare scene will play out. Jared leto's Joker isn't over with me, it seems way too try-hard to be edgy. Other than that yeah, not much I can say about it. Tho do we seriously need another iteration where Superman (or someone with Superman like powers) is evil?

I also love how nonchalant Bruce is about J'onn appearing in front him. However the revelation that J'onn was that army general all the time breaks so much of continuity (and just why now did you decide to show up and help and not idk the time Zod invaded and nearly terraformed earth, HELL WHY TF DIDN'T SHOW UP TO HELP THE LEAGUE IF YOU KNEW ABOUT DARKSEID, I'M SORRY TO RAG ON BUT REALLY THIS CAMEO JUST OPENS UP SO MANY QUESTIONS, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE AN "PALPATINE WAS BEHIND THIS ALL ALONG" KIND OF THING ).

In terms of getting a sequel, I am not sure if WB is going to go through with it given that their current vision seems to be a different route than the one Snyder intended so who knows. Despite my criticisms I do believe this is Snyder's best DCEU film to date and probably one of his better films. You could tell that he put in a lot to make this. The movie itself does have issues mostly due to the plot surrounding the motherbox as well as pacing. I would say it's worth the watch at least once, though I think its best to watch it in doses rather than one sitting. Ultimately this is the version that we should have gotten and I can see why so many people who were supportive of Zack wanted or vouched for him to finish it. Regardless, I think the very least I am happy for Snyder. If you like Snyder's previous stuff, you will like this one, if you don't, your perception of the film won't change significantly other than some cool bits here and there.

#dceu #justice league #snydercut #snydercut spoilers #dc comics

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escapistcatontheinternet · 4 years

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My King of Scars Thoughts and Emotions

(in no particular order)

Nikolai was my favorite character in the Shadow and Bones trilogy and continues to be an icon

most of my Nikolai-related emotions were based in him being so good at politics and watching him vibe with being a public figurehead so it took me a bit to acclimate to the fact that it wasn’t just going to be a full book about Nikolai organizing the country and having diplomatic encounters

a lot of my other Nikolai-related emotions were about his flying pirate ship, so I had to eventually accept he couldn’t spend the whole book being a sky pirate

The backstory hurt me, personally, and made me feel emotions very loudly during a road trip

Zoya is Very Very Good

didn’t really vibe w her before, mostly because I was in a fugue state while reading the first trilogy, but she solidified my emotions about her when she started bullying Nikolai

It was very mean of Leigh Bardugo to target me, a simple bisexual, with a very hot very dragon commander

I appreciate her wanting to kill the dragon at first, like absolutely no reverence whatsoever, just hatred

That backstory is vvery good as well in painting how she felt about her mother, like I get it was about her aunt being decent, but like the way she felt about her mother was cool and complex and I like it

Isaak is my son actually and I’m devastated and muy angy

not an Isaak fan at first, tbh, but he’s also horribly awkward and I think he deserved better

he just wants to simp, and he died for it

Nina being bisexual in a different country the whole time was valid

Adore that the moment Matthias’ body hits the grave she’s already found another repressed Fjerdan that could deadlift her

she’s so valid and I support her

p e r s o n a l l y - I thought the switching between Nina in Fjerda and the other folks in Ravka was a bit... awkward? Like, the story in Ravka would be gaining momentum, and a pace would be set, and then it would kind of be deflated by like, hopping over to Fjerda

I understand how the two stories intersect, and I really like both f them, but the connection just wasn’t there, and it was a little weird

roses and bees are Cool and the imagery is so Good and I hope the grishaverse tv show will extend to the nikolai books eventually and I can go crazy over these visuals

fffffucking Yuri that little bitch

i really, really like how the darkling gained a cult, not bc I want him to, but bc of how it fits the lore and how it builds the world and how the culture works

that being said I don’t know how i feel abt the darkling being back * IT’S NOT EVEN ANALYSIS IT’S JUST MY FEELINGS*

I thought he was a good villain! I thought he was interesting and complicated and sympathetic while still being Definitely the Bad Guy

However, I felt that is story had been brought to its end! Maybe because he was Alina’s villain I always saw him in the context of her story, so I just... don’t see how his story is relevant? I don’t know how to explain it. His legacy is definitely a theme in KoS, so that could be explored, but as a direct, present villain it just feels so messy to me. Messy’s not the right word, but I don’t know how else to say it

esp w the war with the fjerdans, the healing country, the shu, zoya’s stuff, the wife problems, nikolai’s stuff, it’s a Lot

i could vibe w him not being a Villain, but being an antagonist that just sorta vibes in their castle while they go to war, sowing dissent and being a general asshole but not the big baddie, but i’m sure it’ll make sense lol

other point: I see the Zoya and Nikolai romance, and... eh

i can see them being cute but i just like them as friends Too Much

Just the two ppl that are the hottest and most capable of their respective groups gently bullying each other and knowing they are the hottest and most capable pair

maybe it’s bc they had to pretend they were dating in the beginning of the book and i’m a contrarian

heavy platonic vibes from them but idk

also. not to project. but nikolai has queer vibes.

What am I supposed to think??? half his struggle this book is him dreading picking out a queen and i KNOW it’s prob bc he’s going to be w Zoya but also what if it w a s n ‘ t

okee i’m tired now

#king of scars #king of scars spoilers #just me #i watch things #grishaverse #i kinda wanna do a post abt my darkling Emotions #but also i don't want to start stuff #and it's like a Thing #whatever

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kinetic-elaboration · 4 years

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December 29: The Wrath of Khan

Today’s movie watching was Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

My overall impression versus TMP is that this is clearly a smoother and more consistently entertaining film. It has a definite story with very little filler, good pacing, a lot of great little dialogue and character moments, and a strong conflict at its center.

But its sci fi bona fides are much weaker. Like by a lot.

Mom and I are talking a bit about Genesis and the more we talk, the weaker it appears to me. First, it’s not really as believable, imo, as a lot of Star Trek. Maybe it’s because it’s not alien based, but I just have a harder time suspending disbelief to think this is possible. Second, it’s not clear why anyone thought this was a good idea. I mean, as McCoy immediately pointed out, it just seems so CLEARLY dangerous: an object meant to foster creation that could so easily be the worst weapon the universe has ever known--nothing could go awry there! Third, the reason for creating such a device isn’t obvious at all. Carol mentions the “growing population” and “food scarcity” but nothing we’ve ever seen of the Federation implies they’re running out of space. Or, frankly (Tarsus IV aside), food. And fourth, there really isn’t any point to Genesis in all its particulars in this film. Like, obviously, its actual purpose is a plot device to resurrect Spock. Within just this film, it doesn’t do anything. Khan wants it, for some reason I’ve already forgotten even though I just saw the film, and he gets it, but I didn’t even notice that happening, because it was so unimportant. His REAL mission is his single minded revenge fantasy on Kirk. Genesis is just a McGuffin/space filler/plot device for the next film.

And honestly that’s not such a big deal, except that when you compare it to TMP, ,and its central idea of a human made probe that gained so much knowledge, doing what we taught it to do, that it became sentient and then started searching for the meaning of life, and how this relates to the search for meaning experienced by the main alien lead, and how his search, in that film and throughout the series, is a mirror for humans and OUR need for purpose... well it just seems really weak. “We made this really dangerous and unrealistic thing for no reason whoops!”

Mom is now criticizing Kirk for being too slow on the uptake when he first encounters the Reliant, which is fair. That’s pretty OOC of him. The idea that he’s too old for space is both one that I must personally disregard, and one that the film would have you discard, since we’ve already heard from TWO characters, the people who know him best, that his best destiny is as a starship captain, and command is his proper role. And that he might be a little rusty is also not a great explanation imo, because the rust was supposed to have come off in TMP. So, plot hole probably.

We were trying to do some math--TMP is at least 2 years post 5YM and TWOK is at least 10 years post TMP, so at least 8 years post TMP. I can understand more rust growing but like... he was already an Admiral in TMP and the idea that he was out of practice with actual command was a big part of his arc there. So it doesn’t seem warranted to do that again.

Also, the way he was commanding poorly in TMP was very IC: he was pushing too hard, trying too much, caring too much about the mission and not enough about...the laws of physics. That’s very Kirk. Being slow on the uptake, caught with his britches down--that’s not Kirk. Plus, with no one to call him out on it, like Decker did in TMP, his poor command doesn’t seem like a big character obstacle to overcome but just like...sloppiness all around.

I thought Khan was over all... just not that interesting. I guess I’m just not into the obsession/revenge plot. Also...idk man he didn’t seem that super to me. He outsmarted Kirk, like, once, and Kirk outsmarted him like 4 times. He tortured some people--but regular humans can do that. He used those sandworm thingies, which is also something humans could do. Overall, he didn’t seem to have any particularly special skills. The only time he really seemed like a worthy adversary for Kirk was when Kirk wasn’t really being IC himself.

I’m also not into the fridging of his wife. Think how much cooler it would have been if she’d still been alive! The only non-super human in the bunch and she’s still there! Ex-Starfleet and bitter!

The K/S in this film is very soothing. Imo they are clearly together here, and the whole film is better if you assume they’re boyfriends and everyone knows. That Vulcan convo that Spock and Saavik have? Waaaaay funnier if you think she’s talking about his boyfriend (”not what I expected....very human” “Well no one’s perfect”). Every time they call each other ‘friend’ like ““friend”“? All the Looks? The birthday gift?

Also the “I have been and always shall be your [friend]” scene is a wedding I will not be taking criticism on this opinion. Could it have been written more like a vow? I think not. It’s not quite This Simple Feeling but it’s the best this film has in that regard.

I liked Saavik and I do think she’s one of the better later-movie additions (though I only like her, as far as I can remember, when played by Kirstie Alley). She didn’t necessarily strike me as super alien, though, at least not at first... But I appreciated how persistent she was about the stupid test, and her regulation quoting. I enjoyed her. I also liked how she was obviously Spock’s protege, which makes her Kirk’s step-protege, and they had just a little bit of that awkward dynamic going on. (”Did you change your hair?”)

The Bones and Kirk relationship was great in this film. You can really feel their friendship and their history with each other. Bones knows him so well and can be honest with him, just when Kirk needs it most.

I also love how Kirk has the SAME conversation with both Bones and Spock (re: being a captain again) but with Spock it’s sooooo much flirtier. In case you weren’t sure what the difference in these two relationships is.

Bonus: this bit of dialogue: Spock: “Be careful, Jim.” / Bones: “WE will.” Lol Spock people who aren’t your boyfriend do exist.

Obviously, I cried during THAT scene. Honestly AOS should have taken note about how to do emotional scenes like that: they come after the main action is over and the villain is defeated. Then they hit at the right time and to the right degree. Kirk just slumping down after Spock dies....like he’s boneless...like he doesn’t know what to do... I CANNOT.

I feel so bad for him that I’ll even forgive him that awful eulogy. Spock died for Genesis? Uh, no, he died for the Enterprise, and for YOU. Spock is the “most human”? You shut your whoreson mouth

I remember hating both Carol and David but I actually hated them less this time, Carol especially. My mom is being really harsh about her, though, which makes me feel less confident in my assessment. I mean first off, she’s the inventor of Genesis, which is a pretty big strike against her. Second...pretty lame to keep Kirk from David. Although I did some vague math and Kirk would only have been about 21, still in the Academy, when David was born, so you can see how that would work out. Also, she distinctly says “Were we together?” which means they were not--this was a fuck buddy arrangement for sure. More complicated. But it still feels weird to retcon that, like, he’s known THIS WHOLE TIME that he’s a dad and we’re only learning about it now, as an audience.

Anyway I’m getting off track. Carol. What to make of her? Is she unstable? Is she still mad at Kirk? My mom points out that she just decided on her own that David would want to join Starfleet if he knew Kirk was his father--whereas what seems to have happened instead is he didn’t just become a civilian scientist like his mom but became her specific protege--working on a project where everyone was probably handpicked by her? I would assume? Also..he hates Starfleet. Not to put everything on the mom, but how did that happen?

Also...going down the rabbit hole of this and feeling awkward about it... but David KNEW Kirk. As “that guy you hung around with.” That means Kirk was in his life for quite a while, long enough for him to have memories, and long enough for those memories to still be with him even into his 20s. But he was never allowed to know who Kirk was. That means Carol’s rule must have been “You can see your son but you can’t tell him who you are” which in some way seems meaner to me than just “please don’t contact us again.” If he was already on his way into space, that could even make sense--”I know you’re not going to be able to be a family with us, so let’s not pretend, let’s make a clean break now.” But that wasn’t what happened!

Anyway whatever not to be HAICG!Kirk about this or anything lol

David is mostly annoying because he’s so anti-Kirk lol. I found him least annoying when he came around to Kirk at the end. Another big strike against him: he wore his sweater tied over his shoulders in such a Preppy manner. I honestly don’t see what about him is supposed to be reminiscent of Kirk.

David/Saavik was definitely happening lol. I wish I could have heard that conversation. It sounds like she told him a lot!!! Not sure why she attached herself to this particular annoying human so fast but I guess she did.

....I think that might be all. The uniforms and general styling were much better than TMP (though less funny/entertaining), and it was certainly an enjoyable overall yarn. A lot to pick apart and critique but in a fun way. Will probably watch The Search for Spock soon.

#the year 2020 #2020: star trek #2020: fandom thoughts #star trek tos

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dmbakura · 4 years

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ok so i completed re3 remake! thots below (spoilers obviously)

what i liked:

-probably the coolest intro of any re game

-the story, jill and carlos are soooo much better than the original game. this is the best iteration of jill, and carlos is so likeable. their relationship also feels way more natural. kind of just a product of resident evil absolutely killing it in production value these days

-this game did remove the clocktower and park areas, which is a bit disappointing, but imo the new hospital, factory/lab and reworked RPD section are a lot better than the old game’s versions. similarly, i like the city a lot more.

-the pace is more akin to re4, more linear and streamlined, which i guess can be a bad thing to some people, but i thought it made for a much more focused narrative so i can appreciate it. it does play very differently than re2r despite sharing the same controls

-really loved most of the boss fights

-the tie ins to re2r had me yelling

-good music

what i disliked/am ??? about:

-the biggest issue is that nemesis, despite being super cool, is criminally underutilized. i only really felt threatened by him once and it’s probably the result of the “linear” point i made above. a lot of his encounters are scripted to be cinematic. the game doesn’t give you a whole lot of time to really marinate in his presence the same way re2r did with mr x (with his long chase section in the RPD)

(^^^ at the same time, i feel like this could also just be the result of people being used to mr x by now?? idk)

-this game has the same controls as re2r and 90% of the time it works really well, but the other 10% is some weird clunk where things don’t feel quite right. i died a few times to not being able to get a door open in time, or for some reason my gun didnt reload even though ive pretty much mastered the controls in re2r and i know the timing for my inputs. not sure what’s up with this?

-there is only one unlockable costume for jill??

-nikolai is so weirdly goofy. not really as grounded as the og version. minor thing, but i liked him more as a more believable villain

-i guess it’s not really a negative, but i dont really understand why this is bundled with resistance. they’re such vastly disconnected experiences with different markets. it’s just such an odd choice to me and feels like it was hastily done

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sabine-leo · 5 years

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Look Left!

Here is the second Oneshot from a raffle winner ! Hope you enjoy!! Comments and reblogs are very much loved !!

I tried to combine @marikochi ideas:

1 idea : Personally I love storys where the reader (who is friends with Tom but secretly has deeper feelings) is drunk and says some really embarrassing things about her true feelings or does something stupid and gets herself in danger 😂

2: call me weird but I love storys where either the reader or Tom gets hurt and the other one cares for the hurt person.. Idk I just think this kind of stuff is really cute 😅

Pairing: Tom x Reader

Wordcount: 3263

God! You were so stupid! So damn stupid! How could you forget THAT? How could you be so careless? Shit, that hurt…but the embarrassment hurt even more, your dented pride too. There was no way you would get home alone after this, so you had to give them the number. Mentally counting down you waited for the door to open and a familiar face to appear above yours…probably laughing at your stupidity! Seemed like you had THAT wrong too!

Some 15 minutes after the call was made the door to your room flew open and a pretty flustered and pale looking Tom rushed to your side. “I came as fast as I could!!” He proclaimed and softly placed his hand above yours, fishing for a chair with his foot to pull it close. Good, because he looked like he would pass out any second. “Darling, what happened?” Tom sat down with a little thud as if his legs gave out half way down. The young nurse rushing in after him still stood open mouthed in the doorway.

She looked like a lot of women, especially women but not only, who encountered your best friend closely. Tom turned as you didn´t give him an answer and looked at the nurse for a second.

“I´m very sorry if I was a bit bearish, thank you for guiding the way!” With that Tom dismissed her and turned his attention back to you. The nurse closed the door and gave you a little privacy.

“I thought you would not be back until tomorrow!” Tom said and squeezed your hand a little.

Taking a painful breath you tried to sit up a bit but got stopped directly.

“No (Y/N) don´t…” Tom came closer and rubbed his face as you had settled into your pillow again.

“I am so sorry if I have scared you!” You said quietly.

“Oh, you did!” Tom said but quickly added “Just tell me what happened…please!”

Sighing you rolled your eyes. “I am so stupid…” you groaned and closed your eyes.

“I came back a day early because my parents had mixed up their flight schedule for their big trip.”

Tom tilted his head. “That explains why you are back, but not why you are hurt and needed me as your emergency contact…I mean, I know I am your emergency contact and you are one of mine but…” His voice was so soft, so worried and his hand stayed on yours as he was waiting for answers.

“I freakin looked to the wrong side!” You burst out.

“After only 4 weeks back at my parents I FORGOT to look LEFT!”

You waited for the laugh…it didn´t come. Instead the door opened and a doctor came in.

“I´ve looked over the radiograph. You got lucky!” He said and smiled. He shook Toms hand in greeting after the first sentence. “You are good to go home IF your husband is willing to take care of you.” There, another one got it wrong just by judging how physically close you and Tom could get when around each other. You were about to correct the doctor as Tom cleared his throat and nodded.

“Of course, I can move my schedule around a little!” The doctor seemed to be pleased enough and carried on. “Her left shoulder was dislocated but we were able to correct it instantly so that she just has to be a little careful with the movements for a week. The right ankle is swollen and the ligaments are overstretched, walking a bit AND carefully is alright but it should be rested until it´s not swollen anymore.” The doctor looked at Tom. “She can take something for the pain… and do come back at any time if you feel somethings not right!” The doctor now looked at you.

“Rest and let your husband look after you! You got lucky that only a bicycle has hit you” With that he discharged you and handed Tom some pain meds.

Sitting up slowly as Tom closed the door behind the doctor again you huffed.

“lucky me! ONLY a bicycle…” Tom chuckled a little and came over to you again.

“Let´s get you home darling…”

You tentatively slid down from the bed but yelped a little as your right foot hit the ground.

“Gimme a second!” you said as Tom wanted to help you directly. He gathered your stuff instead and the both of you were SLOWLY on your way out. Tom helping you as much as you allowed him.

Not half way through the corridor a nurse came offering a wheelchair. You sighed but at this pace you wouldn´t be home before Christmas…and it was only June. Tom chuckled softly as he saw your face. “Thank you, but I think we won´t need that!” He carefully picked you up bridal style and smiled at the nurse. “Bye!” Walking as if you weight nothing he even managed to open the door gracefully with you in his arms. Outside you huffed. “Thomas William Hiddleston. Making woman swoon since 1981!” Tom laughed and looked at you. “No, I haven´t made you swoon till now. A bike has to hit you before I even get to swoop you off your feet!”

If only he knew…

Tom carried you to his car and helped you get in, he even buckled the seatbelt for you. Sitting behind the wheel he looked over. “I´m glad you are not hurt worse…but don´t even think about being alone tonight!” Rolling your eyes you wanted to argue but Tom stopped you as you were taking in a breath to start talking. “You know what…make that a week!”

“Tom! You are NOT really my husband and you don´t have to play that role!”

Tom grinned amused “Darling. I AM an actor, I think I am able to do just that…”

Great, the way he looked, all intense and dead set on seeing his plan through, you had no chance to talk him out of it. But you really did not know if you would be able to cope with him THAT close over an extended period of time. You had been friends for some years now. Heck, you moved to London because of him and the plans the both of you had workwise. There always had been a special chemistry between the both of you but the timing was never perfect. Your working schedules collided in the first year, then Tom had found a girl or you had casually dated someone…it just never fit and somewhere along the line you had settled for friendship.

The prospect of having him close for a whole week was scary. You were frightened that the feelings you had under control for now would emerge and taint the friendship you had with him.

“(Y/N)?” Tom got you out of your inner debate. “Hm?” You asked and looked over.

“I asked if you were more comfortable at your place or if you´d like to stay at my home for the next days?” Oh my, you really did not know how to answer that. If he stayed at your home everything would remind you of him when he was gone again. At his place everything smelled like him but you could pretend it had been a dream…

“Uhm…” you started. Tom decided for you. “You know what. Your bedroom is on the same level as everything else. It´s probably easier without the stairs. I´ll stop at my place and pack a few things then we will stay at your home.” His reasoning was sensible, but one thing he did not mention.

You only had ONE bed and you sure as hell would not let him sleep on the couch for how ever long he decided to play your nurse!

Some 30 minutes later Tom parked his car in your driveway and came around to help you after he had keyed open your door. “Hold on to me love…” He was careful not to touch your injured shoulder as he picked you up again. Before the threshold he stopped and grinned.

You just shoot him a dirty look “Don´t even think about it!”

Tom chuckled and took a very provocative step into your home. He kicked the door close and asked.

“Directly to the bed?” a smile toyed with his lips.

“You could not stop yourself couldn´t you? Sofa! Thank you very much!”

Tom grinned and carefully set you down. “Let´s get you comfortable first, then I´ll get my stuff out of the car.” And he did just that. He put a big pillow behind your back, a little one under your foot a glass of water on the table and a blanket above your legs. After dropping his stuff in your bedroom he went into the kitchen. “Darling, your fridge is empty…”

“I know, I got hit by a bike as I was out to get groceries after getting back home!”

Tom came back to you and smiled “Alright, take out it is and tomorrow I´ll go shop everything we need for the next days.” He placed the order after you both decided what you wanted to eat and started a movie you could watch.

“May I?” He asked and lifted your legs carefully to sit down and put them onto his lap.

“It´s more elevated that way…and I don´t have to sit on the floor!” He winked and you laughed a little. “You are playing the nurse, you know what´s best..” You couldn´t help but tease.

Tom laughed “Oh no, I play the husband.. YOU will play the nurse when I get the next deadly cold! Sexy outfit included!!” The joking eased you a little and soon the both of you were watching the movie and eating the pizza he´d ordered. After dinner you took the meds the doctor had given Tom. Your shoulder hurt quite a bit…

It didn´t take long for you to get a little drowsy. Tom noticed and smiled. “Time for bed love!” He lifted you up again and carried you to the bedroom. “I´ll give you a minute to change..” he said and went into the bathroom himself. There you sat, on the edge of the bed and could not even get your shirt off. Your left arm would not lift enough to get it out…and you felt a little drunk. Probably the meds in combination with the painkillers you had gotten in the hospital already.

“Tom?” you said quietly. Tom opened the door directly. He had a toothbrush in his mouth and was without his shirt. Nothing you hadn´t seen before but it felt different somehow. More intimate.

“I think I need help…” You said blushing from embarrassment. Tom lifted a finger “Onemoment” he got out with the toothbrush in his mouth before he vanished into the bath again. “Just bring the scissors and cut it off!” Tom came back with a smile “No, we will manage to get you out without ruining it…” He came around and started with your unhurt arm. He slowly pulled the shirt over your head and made a face as you winced a little. “Sorry darling…can you lift your arm just a little bit?” You tried and he got the shirt off. Now you sat in your bra and jeans before him and somehow you didn´t care. The meds had kicked in. Tom got a shirt from him and said “We´ll put this on, my shirts are bigger and easier to handle for now.”

He helped you into the shirt and afterwards kneeled before you. “Balance yourself on my shoulder, the jeans has to get off too!” You chuckled a little and swayed a bit on just your left foot.

“Aren´t you prince charming!” Your speech slurred as if you had one drink too much. Tom grinned.

“Just helping my wife undress!” He winked and you giggled. Tom opened your jeans and his hands grabbed the waistband. Slowly he pulled them down and looked up as he heard you take in a breath.

You had closed your eyes and he grinned before his hands left your jeans that pooled around your feet and softly grabbed your waist to make you sit on the bed again.

You still held on to his naked shoulders. “Darling?” He said softly.

“We are done… you can let go of me and get as comfortable as possible!”

“Ok..” you said and stroked down his chest. Tom took in a deep breath but smiled.

“The meds are working I guess…” Your pupils told him the answer, they were clearly dilated.

You managed to get under the blanket and found a position that was comfortable. Tom cleaned up your clothes and took of his pants to add it to the pile.

“Youre sooo sexy!” You blurted and watched him. Tom stood with his back to you but he stopped his movements for a second. A look over his shoulder and he said “Well, thank you…” He smiled and now turned fully. “You need something before I hop into bed too?”

You shook your head but simultaneously said “Turnround an…other time…you have a niiice butt!”

Tom chuckled softly not even the slightest taken aback. He climbed into bed next to you and propped himself onto one side. “Maybe we should go easy on the meds tomorrow.. they clearly temper with your judgement.” He killed the light and only a soft glow from outside lit the room.

“Tom?” You said quietly and somewhat straight. “Yes darling?”

“I got hit by a bike!”

“Yes, but you´ll be ok…I´ll stay with you until you feel better!”

“Then I´ll NEEEEVER feel better!”

Tom chuckled and felt your hand searching for him. “Want me closer?” He asked quietly.

“Mhmm yes please!” Tom scooted closer and you cuddled up as good as possible with your unhurt side. A sigh escaped you and you closed your eyes taking in a deep breath. Some minutes later you slurred “Love you!” before you drifted into a meds induced sleep.

Toms eyes shot open. He knew you were under the influence of those meds but his heart couldn’t help but beat faster. “Love you too! Always have…” He said quietly and placed a kiss on your forehead. Maybe this was the time where the both of you were finally on the same page. Where fate and time finally lined up. He never had wanted to be JUST friends, but the both of you had ended up that way. Maybe he had to make you see how good the both of you fit…maybe he had to push luck a bit…maybe you wanted him like he wanted you.

He promised his heart that he would find out in the next days!

After 3 days you were able to walk with just a slight limp. You could lift your arm half way again without flinching and currently stood in the kitchen trying to make breakfast. Tom had been curled up behind you as you woke up. Every night that passed he came closer and closer and this morning not even a hair would have fit between the both of you…and damn, it had felt so good!

Lost in your thoughts you jerked a little as 2 arms came around your waist from behind.

“Morning..” a soft kiss on your healing shoulder. Tom was really good at acting, you knew that but you´d never thought that he would play the role of your husband to perfection. The last 3 days he had helped you whenever you had needed him and made you realise how much you loved having him around. He had joked about why the both of you hadn´t moved in with each other sooner. There had been a lot of innocent kisses on your cheek, a lot of cuddling while you rested on the sofa and it all had felt more than right.

He hugged you close against his still naked chest. “Shouldn´t I be making breakfast for my wife?” He asked teasingly and pecked your cheek over your shoulder. You were too weak to NOT lean in and enjoy his arms around you. He really had worn you down over the last days. No, not worn you down… that wasn´t the right term. He had sneaked in through the little space you had given him and torn the door to your heart wide open with his irresistible charm and simply by being his usual loveable self.

Tom felt you cuddling up against him and he smiled. His hand slowly found it´s way under your shirt and came to rest on your belly, his thumb stroking you softly. You had always been close with each other, but that was crossing even your muddy line of balancing friendship and something else you were secretly craving. “(Y/N)?” Tom asked whispering near your ear.

“Mhmm?” You replied with your eyes still closed, absorbing his every touch.

“Do I need to play my act another day?”

Opening your eyes you tensed a little before answering. “No, I… sorry for keeping you the last days…I think I´ll be able to handle myself from now on…” You tried to free yourself but he would not let you.

“That´s not what I meant…” He said quietly.

“No?” You asked and tried to turn instead of freeing yourself. This time Tom let you but still had you in his arms. You tried to look up into his eyes, but his naked chest was more than distracting this close. Tom chuckled softly and leaned back to get your attention again.

“How much more does it take?” he asked with a deep look into your eyes.

“Huh?” you asked not very elaborate.

“Another night cuddled up together? One more day? Another hug? Another kiss on the cheek?”

Tom softly took your face in his hands. “The first night…before you fell asleep you said you loved me…” You gasped but didn´t deny it…you couldn´t deny it. “I know the meds made you drowsy, but it felt so good hearing you say it…” Tom carried on.

His eyes hunted yours. “So tell me…I need to know…do you love me as a friend, or…” he could not finish his sentence….he just stared into your eyes and searched for an answer. As you did not make a move to get away from him or to let him down easy with words of friendship a slow smile spread on his beautiful face. Your hands gliding around his narrow waist, tugging him even closer gave him the answer he wanted. He dipped his head slowly, his nose nudging yours.

“…I said it back, you know..” He whispered before his lips found yours in a soft and slow kiss that tasted of Tom and peppermint toothpaste…but mostly it tasted like a promise. Like a promise that THIS was something special, that this was the right time that your hearts finally had found their way to each other.

A year later…

After a nice dinner Tom and you walked back to your joined home. After he had kissed you in the kitchen that fateful morning Tom had made you move in with him very fast saying he would not want to miss another day without you in his arms…and you felt the same. You had wasted enough time not being with him. Stopping at a crossing Tom took you into his arms and kissed you very thoroughly. He rested his forehead against yours and smiled.

“I love you darling! And now…LOOK LEFT!!”

You did…and gasped as a bicycle slowly came into view. On it was a big sign….

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

@amazinggraces-world @drakesfiance @confessionsofastrugglingteen @inlovewithfreyamikaelson @heart-shaped-hell

@theoneanna @marikochi @xxxeatyourh3artoutxxx @awkwardfangirl2014 @rainbowsinthestorm

#tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddleston fanfiction #tom hiddleston fanfic #tom hiddleston oneshot #tom hiddleston imagine #tom hiddleston hurt #tom hiddleston fluff #tom hiddleston x you #fanfiction #writer of tumblr #thomas william hiddleston #twhiddleston #hiddles #hiddlestoners #hiddleston daily #fanfic #oneshot

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mochi-rose · 5 years

Text

|| War of Hearts || Three.

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader x Jimin Description: Thinking too much can be a bad thing, especially if you end up getting turned on without your fuck buddy to get you off. Bad quickly turns worse when your ex texts you, and worse goes to shit when you decide to let your ex in when you're in such a state. After everything is said and done, you're left feeling more confused than before and you decide that wine and sleep will be your best friend tonight. Genre: Angst, smut. Word Count: 7.0k Warnings: Heavy dirty talk, derogatory name-calling, “Daddy” kink, spit play, HEAVY breath play, lots of hair pulling, sensory deprivation & overload (y’all, i went all-in), rough sex, emotional turmoil? Tags: @lunaticgurly, @legendaryangelmoneylawyer, @mrs-jeonjk *At any point in time, notify me to be added or removed from this list!* A/N: So I’m super sleep-deprived since I traveled across country and back in 4 days by driving and I have to get up early for my wisdom teeth surgery (which I’m terrified about), but goshdamnit, I’m gonna publish this before I’m doped up on drugs. Enjoy (and please leave me lovely feedback so I can be happy while I’m dying from this procedure)! | Playlist | Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 |

You’re currently curled up on the couch, staring at the ceiling. To say that you’re bored out of your mind is an understatement; however, an unidentified, hazy feeling stops you from getting up to do something. Your brain has been floating around to multiple topics, but somehow it always goes back to Jimin.

It’s only been about two weeks since the whole break up ordeal, but it seems longer. During the time, you and Jimin have been getting quite close, and now it’s unusual for you two to not see each other longer than two days. It all still feels weird to you, especially since you were against turning your one-time-deal into a regular thing in the beginning.

“Quit running.” Jimin’s hot breath hits your neck as he pins you to the wall in his hallway. You want to ask yourself how you got in this situation, but you know you’re the only one to blame.

“I’m sorry, I was under the influence. I made a mistake, and I wasn’t in my right mind.” You start spitting out the first thing that comes to mind to help you get out of this dilemma, but as soon as they come out, you feel guilty since you know that’s not entirely true.

“I’d say you were in your right mind. At least enough to badger me about safe sex.” Jimin retorts, and that makes you forget about trying to not look at his gorgeous face— at least enough to give him a shocked expression and a smack on the arm. “Jimin!”

He quickly laughs and backs away enough for you to breathe. A part of you is thankful since you can finally breathe without getting high from his intoxicating smell; however, you can’t seem to smother that small yearning that wants to pull him right back in again. “I’m just joking! I already told you, I’ve scheduled an appointment to get checked. I was very serious and in my right mind when I said I wanted there to be a next time. I hope you were too.”

A blush creeps upon your face, and you curse Jimin for being so honest about the way he feels. “I-… I want to, but…” you start to say; however, he quickly interrupts you.

“But you’re still scared, right?” You glance up at his understanding gaze before looking back to the floor and giving a sheepish nod. Without a second thought, he diminishes the space in between you two again as you feel one arm of his wrap around your waist tightly, and the other hand comes to hold your cheek. “I won’t do anything you feel uncomfortable with. And if I do, be vocal about it. I’ll stop immediately. We go at your pace, okay? If you want nothing to do with me, tell me.”

As his thumb begins to slowly caress its way down to your lips, you make eye contact with him, and you see a small shift in his eyes as they focus in on the way you unconsciously slide your tongue across your bottom lip and softly bite it. “If you want me to kiss you, say it.” You notice how his tone’s become guttural, and there’s suddenly neediness to it, and you can’t help but lean into him more, desperately wanting to see what’s next.

He leans down and softly bites your earlobe, making you arch your back and push your chest into him. “If you want me to touch you… say it.” He whispers into your ear, gliding his hand down, and ever so lightly tracing your curves around your waist until he gets to your thigh. Smoothly lifting your leg around his waist, his hand starts slowly travelling upward again, this time under the hem of your skirt. With his other arm still wrapped around your waist, he pulls your hips closer and grinds his hips into yours, making your head fall forward to rest on his shoulder.

Jimin’s hand reaches your hip and digs his fingernails into your skin. “If you want me to—,” he begins to say as he scratches down, but hesitates as his hand quickly goes back to your hip. You feel his thumb wipe across your skin where your underwear should be. He slides your skirt up over your bum to confirm that you, indeed, were not wearing any panties. A small needy groan leaves his mouth, and you feel a puff of hot air on your neck before he pulls back, looking at you with blown-out pupils. “Fuck…” is all he could say before you leap up and he carries you back in his room.

A sigh leaves your lips as you think back to the first time the both of you saw each other after the first encounter. “Well that didn’t last long,” you mumble, commenting about your fleeting negative feelings you once had.

As you flip over onto your side, you notice how thinking back to the two of you makes you start feeling hot and you suddenly can’t seem to stop another flashback from popping up in your mind.

“By the way, I’m sorry you only got to come once during our first time together,” Jimin says as he sets you down on his bed and crawls on top of you.

You wrap your arms around his neck and gently grapple fistfuls of his smooth, black hair, beginning to softly play with it. Giggling, your eyes twinkle in amusement as you respond, “don’t be sorry. Besides, I was too focused on making you feel good to care”.

You notice the tiniest movement of him pulling back, and his eyebrows scrunch together. Afraid you said something weird, you ask him what’s wrong; however, he quickly recovers, and a bright smile graces his face. “Nothing, you just surprised me, that’s all.”

“How so?”

“Well, for starters, I don’t really think I’ve had a girl solely focus on making me feel good,” Jimin states and, this time, you raise your eyebrows in shock. “I don’t know if they do it intentionally or not, but it’s just usually always been vice versa.”

You don’t know why, but a small part of your heart squeezes at the thought that you might have been different from the other girls; however, you quickly try to smother that feeling down, mentally yelling at yourself that it doesn’t matter anyway. Before you can get into an internal argument with yourself, Jimin goes to slide your shirt up and starts peppering your lower stomach with unhurried kisses. As he gets to the hemline of your skirt, he looks back up at you with a hungry gaze and speaks in a confident, breathy tone, “don’t worry, this time you’ll be begging me to stop because you can’t take it anymore”.

Feeling heat rush to both your cheeks and your lower parts, you groan as you grab your phone quickly and pull up Jimin’s contact. You’ve been trying not to be the first one to reach out to him since a part of you is still getting used to the whole ‘friends with benefits’ idea; however, this time you’re at your breaking point.

This is the longest you haven’t seen him, which has been four days, and quite frankly, you’re desperate. He’s been busy on his end, and you don’t blame him for that in any way, but you know he should be getting his results back soon and the thought of you guys finally getting to have sex without a condom is leaving you feeling needy.

You: Hiya, how has your day been? I, uh, just was.. ya know, wondering if maybe you’re… free?

You reread the text you just sent and huff at your idiocy. Wow, _____, could you try to not make it sound so much like you need someone to talk to? Not. Cool.

You: Like, idk, you feel like coming over?

Again, you read the text that you sent too quickly and curse your trigger fingers for sending it faster than you can really think about how it sounds. Fuck this shit.

You: Look, I’m horny. And I want you to fuck me. Come over.

Does pushing yourself too far make you crudely honest, maybe, but you think that’s just something you’ll have to live with as you toss your phone aside and give him a chance to respond as you get up to get a glass of water. You run a hand through your hair and take a big sigh, maybe I’m too thirsty…heh, no pun intended. But seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?

While downing your glass, you have a mental conversation with yourself discussing what is wrong with you for acting like this, but as you finish drinking and put your cup in the sink, you decide ‘to hell with it; out of sight, out of mind’, and move on.

Leisurely walking back to the couch, you notice your screen glows to let you know you got a text, so you saunter back faster than you’d like to admit, eager to see Jimin’s response. Reading the new message, your heart starts beating uncontrollably, and your hands start shaking; however, not in a good way.

That Guy: _____. Talk to me. That Guy: At least hear me out. That Guy: I need to talk to you. That Guy: Please?

You sigh and run an aggravated hand through your hair, wondering what to do. Your mind flashes back to how Jimin told you to straight-up ignore him; in fact, he was pretty adamant about it.

Jimin rolls off of you as he plunks down beside you. You turn your head to him, smiling, and are just about to compliment on how great the sex was when your phone goes off. You roll over and grab your phone, curious as to who’s texting you at this time.

That Guy: _____, it’s been a week. Can we please talk?

You open the text, and your thumbs hover over the keyboard, planning on responding but not knowing what to say when Jimin wraps his arm around your waist and peaks over your shoulder. “‘That guy’? Who is that?”

“Jungkook.”

You swear you feel a moment where Jimin tenses around you; however, it’s gone before you can even think more about it. “What does he want?” Jimin asks while starting to pepper soft kisses on your neck.

You roll your eyes and respond, “to talk, like always”. At this, Jimin spins you around to where you’re on your back and facing him while he hovers over you. “So he texts you a lot still?” An inquisitive eyebrow is raised on his face, and you feel the need to explain yourself for some unknown reason. “Yeah. But I haven’t texted back yet. I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s nothing to say. Just don’t respond.”

“Yeah, but I dunno… I kind of feel bad for doing that. Maybe. I don’t even know…” You mutter, glancing back at your phone as thumbs still hover over the keys. Jimin tilts his head to the side for a moment and looks at you, almost like he’s trying to analyse what you’re thinking. Swiftly, he gets back on top of you and gently pins down your wrists. You instinctively tighten your hand around your phone, but Jimin’s thumb slowly slides under the phone. His eyes seem to send you a message to kindly do what he says, and you can’t help but loosen the grip on your phone.

“He broke up with you; you don’t owe him anything. You shouldn’t worry about him anymore; in fact, there’s no reason to talk at all,” Jimin says in a very persuading, yet gentle manner, and you note how it’s not fair because you know he’s going to win when he sounds so genuine. He takes your phone and sets it back on the bedside table before turning his attention back to you. “Anyway, let’s go another round. I’m almost ready,” he says once more as he begins to slide down to your nether regions. As your mind notices he’s eating you out even more passionately than before, you begin to forget what you were even talking about a few moments ago.

“Ignore him. Just ignore him, _____. You’d do good to listen to Jimin’s voice of reasoning,” you speak to yourself, trying to remember all of the reasons why you shouldn’t respond to Jungkook. You toss your phone back on the couch before walking away and beginning to pace. “Don’t do it. You’re only opening up Pandora’s box if you do.”

Your phone goes off again making you stop mid-pace once more. Looking over at your phone as if you’ve just seen a ghost, you begin to crack your knuckles, trying to stay strong.

Jeez, you’re acting as if he’s some drug that you haven’t had in years and suddenly it’s floating right in front of your face. Don’t be weak, he’s just a guy… that you spent two years with and planned on spending more… that you. CAN. GET. OVER! Come on, _____!

“But.. let’s be real. You’re alone… you’re in the mood.. and Jimin is nowhere to be seen or heard, and he’s not answering any of your texts…” You mutter and go back to pacing, except this time you swear you’re about to go mental. You run another hand through your hair, trying to calm your stress levels before glancing back at your phone from the corner of your eye. Can you blame a girl?

“Oh, fuck it…” You hiss before stomping over and fumbling for your phone. With lightning speed, your thumbs tap the screen to type out a message, and it’s a wonder they don’t get tangled together. You press the send button and then try to calm yourself from how fast your heart is racing.

You: What’s there to talk about?

Expecting it’ll be a while for him to respond, you lock the screen right as he sends an immediate response back. Biting your lip, you notice how it’s taking everything in your power not to start hyperventilating at this moment.

That Guy: Actually, I’m on a run right now, so I’m only a few minutes from you. Can I stop by? That Guy: Please?

Oh, ____, you are SO going to regret this, you think as you shake your head and bite down harder. You wince from the pain, but a quick, nagging thought says maybe you deserve that for being so stupid right now.

You: Fine. You: But make it quick.

You look around the place to make sure it’s tidy before you quickly walk into the bathroom and face the mirror. Doing a once-over, you make sure you, yourself, look nice enough for company and make eye contact with your reflection. “Why the hell am I doing this…” You mumble to yourself. Because you’re in the mood and you’re desperate, you stupid girl, your conscience answers condescendingly. You hear the frightening knock and do one last look before sighing and walking out to go answer the door.

“Jung—“ You swing the door open quickly to prove you’re not going to take any of his shit; however, the moment you see him, all bets are off. In front of your doorstep is a very sweaty, and very hot, Jungkook standing there shirtless with all of his tense muscles on display for you to see. Oh, this is not helping, you think as you shame yourself because you know your face is showing just how flabbergasted you are, yet there’s no way you can control it.

You swallow quickly and shift to your other foot to try and get yourself to stop focusing on the fact Jungkook’s shirtless right now. If Jungkook knows you’re checking him out right now, which you’re sure he does, he doesn’t show it. In fact, surprisingly, he looks rather serious as he blurts out the reason why he’s here, getting straight to the point. “I can’t get you out of my mind, and I swear, I’ve tried. I think about you all the time.”

You take a step back, holding onto the door and trying to regain your balance since he’s making your mind spin out of control. Analysing his face, you try and find some sort of guilt or sign to see if he’s lying or not; however, if he is, you sure can’t tell. Giving him one last glance, you swiftly turn around and walk in the bathroom to grab a towel before going back.

“Wipe yourself off, you’re drenched.” You softly sass as you throw the towel at his face. He grabs it with a small look of surprise, and you know that the shock he feels isn’t from the towel-throwing action, but from your acceptance of his presence. Just before you turn your back to walk towards the couch, you catch him throw a lopsided smirk at you as he shuts the door behind him. Have I just let the devil into my home?

Jungkook plops down next to you, and you’re incredibly hyper-aware of how your legs make contact with each other. He leans back with ease and supports his head by propping his elbow on the back of the couch. You know he’s doing this on purpose, presenting himself as if to taunt you ‘here I am in all of my stupidly-attractive glory’; you know it’s a fucking trap, and yet, here you are, struggling to swallow from the scene in front of you. “You need to put on a shirt,” you mumble, quickly casting your eyes downwards to pick at your fingers.

“Well, I can’t exactly fit into one of yours, now can I?” He says jokingly while giving you a lopsided grin and tilting his head to the side. You softly pout and rack your mind to try and remember if you have anything that would fit him; unfortunately, your words are tumbling out faster than your brain can keep up, and you forget who you’re talking to for a minute.

“You can wear one of Ji—.”

The words get caught in your throat as you quickly clamp your mouth shut. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I did not just almost say ‘Jimin’, you scold yourself a thousand times mentally as you wish a hole would swallow you right up. Swiftly, you glance up to see Jungkook’s eyebrows furrow together, and you can tell he’s confused as to what you could possibly mean. The silence slowly starts to gnaw at you, and the longer it grows, the more you feel like you’re starting to sweat as you watch the emotions change on his face and his jaw gets tenser. Just when you think you’re going to have a confrontation, he just sighs and looks you up and down.

“You look good… like really good,” he mumbles out the end; however, you can still hear him clearly. The petty conscience in your brain throws out the thought ‘it must be because I’m not yours anymore’, but you swallow your spite down and opt on trying to focus on Jungkook. As you watch his tongue quickly dart out to pull his bottom lip in and bite down softly, you quickly come to regret your choice because suddenly you’re blushing and finding it hard to meet his eye yet again. You’re in such a state, you don’t even notice that you’re pressing your thighs together unconsciously to seek release; however, Jungkook certainly does.

He takes this chance to slide closer, now eliminating any space between the both of you. His arm is behind you resting on the back of the couch while his other hand moves towards you. You notice there’s a moment of hesitance, but it’s such a small one that you wonder if your mind is just playing tricks on you. Gently, he lays his hand on top of your thigh, and you can smell his minty breath softly hit your cheek as he hovers over you. You haven’t been this close to him, mentally or physically, in months, yet somehow you’re struggling terribly to gain back control over your own body. “W-what do you want?” You try to sound firm and unyielding; however, neither of you miss the stutter in your voice.

“A second chance,” he breathes before closing in on your neck. You feel him lightly nip at your neck and your breath hitches in your throat. You wish you could do something, throw him away or tug him closer, you don’t know nor care which, just something damnit, but your body and mind aren’t synched, and so you end up not moving at all.

His hand has now slid your oversized sweater down to expose your shoulder, and he’s slowly kissing and licking at your soft skin. As you feel his other hand slide up your thigh agonisingly slow, you realise your body has betrayed you by opening up your legs in the slightest. Your mind is screaming at your body, yelling for it to listen, yet, it seems your body is a fucking stubborn traitor. As if noticing your dilemma, Jungkook speaks up.

“If you say stop, I’m on the other side of the couch. You know I’ll stop if you don’t want this.” You hear him say, and somewhere in your mind, you feel like that should give you the strength to stop all of this. You know you need to send him on his way and not talk to him, just like Jimin told you to; however, it seems some part of you wants the exact opposite. Your mind is hazy, and your brain is beginning to hurt from thinking so much, so… fuck it.

In a blink of an eye, you have your hands twisted and entangled into his hair and knocking the breath from you by slamming your lips to his. You’re hungry, no, starving for his touch. You’ve been craving it for so long that it seems like something in you just snapped.

It genuinely surprises you when Jungkook responds with just as much vigour as he quickly hovers over you to yank your sweater off. His mouth greedily bites down on the skin around your chest as the both of you claw your back, racing to take off your bra. You both seem like absolute animals, and the thought only solidifies when you hear him growl as he snatches your shorts and thong off.

“Condom,” you rasp as you start to tug his grey sweatpants down. Hurriedly, he reaches into his pocket to pull out his wallet before tugging one out. You’re sure you would make some snide comment about keeping them in his wallet, but your hormones are too far gone for you to focus on anything but getting fucked.

Wasting no time, he pumps himself a few times before quickly rolling the condom on. He pulls you onto his lap, making you straddle him before you notice he grips your hips as if he’s about to lift you up. “Your bedroom’s still the one to the left, right?” He asks, and it takes a minute for you to actually process what he’s asking.

You’re about to sass him that it’s only been two weeks since you’ve broken up so, of course, it’s still in the same room; however, a thought hits you like a ton of bricks. You and Jimin have seen each other so much, he’s left multiple pieces of clothing in your bedroom. You’re not cheating since you and Jungkook aren’t together, and you both know the two of you are sleeping around, so you don’t understand why it would be a problem if he saw it; however, something in you still doesn’t want him to find out its actually Jimin you’ve been sleeping with.

“I can’t wait; I need you— God— just fuck me here.” You quickly respond, slamming your lips to his once again as you sink lower onto his hips to emphasis you aren’t going anywhere. It seems to work because he leans back, letting his eyes roam your hovering body as he rubs hard circles into your hips.

One of his hands slip down to where you need him the most, and as he runs his middle and ring finger through your folds, he lets out a needy groan before pulling his hand back up in front of the two of you. He looks from his hand to you, and you can see just how blown out his eyes look as he wriggles his fingers to show just how needy you are. “Holy fuck, _____, just how long were you horny for? You’re absolutely dripping.” Jungkook grunts before making eye contact with you and sticking his fingers in his mouth, making sure you watch as he sucks your arousal clean from his fingers.

“Fuck, I can’t wait— please. I need, oh fuck, I need—“You struggle to get yourself together to at least say something; however, Jungkook firmly grabs your hips and thrusts fully into you before you can finish. Your eyesight turns bleary, and you cry out at the sudden feeling of being full, but it feels so good, you can’t help but try and move your hips for more.

“Me. You need me.” Jungkook groans as his hands help set and keep pace for your hips to move on top of him. “You need me to make you feel good like the needy bitch you are, am I right? Is that why you actually responded to my texts for once? Hm?”

You can only moan as he tells you filthy things and you feel the imaginary knot in your stomach begin to form already. It’s been so, so, long since you’ve had sex with him; however, both of you still move together as if it’s only been days. That’s one of the things that you always loved about him, the chemistry in bed between the two of you was constantly hot, and he’s always known your body so well; it’s infuriating to know your body still thinks it belongs to him.

“Ah—I can feel you getting tighter, but you’re only going to come when I tell you to, right, baby? Because you’re still such a good little slut for me?” You mewl at his words, and even though you feel the tight, burning cramp in your hips, you keep pushing forward, trying to please him.

He sits up, wrapping his arms completely around your waist and holding on tight to not let go. You’re sure his grip is going to leave bruises, but even if it does, you don’t care at this point. His head dips down to bring a nipple into his mouth, and you thread your fingers into his hair, pulling him in even more. Your hot bodies are pressed together, and the closeness helps edge you nearer, feeling him thrust deeper inside. Your hands are roaming everywhere, and as you rake your nails harshly down his well-defined abs, you hear him groan into your skin, and there’s a quick, rough shove into you that makes your hips tingle. Without thinking, you moan out Jungkook’s name; however, a growl rips from his throat, and you realise the mistake you made all too late.

In a blink of an eye, he lifts you off of him and twirls you around to face the couch. You try to complain at the sudden feeling of being empty, but he pushes you forward, and your knees fall onto the cushions. He grapples onto your hips roughly as he enters you again and you start to moan at the feeling but are quickly cut off when his other hand grabs your hair and yanks it back so your throat’s at an awkward angle and exposed. You feel his hot breath hit the side of your face as he murmurs into your skin, “It’s only been a few weeks, and you’ve already forgotten my name, darling?”

The spitefulness and pettiness that you tried to swallow down earlier surges inside of you once again as a smirk spreads upon your face. “A few weeks? Huh, try a few months,” you scoff, trying your best to move your head to the side to see a better view of him; however, the tight grip he has on your hair doesn’t let you go far, “We stopped fucking long before we broke up, Jungkook.”

You see his infamous tongue-in-cheek move that you know he does when he’s getting irritated, and you just hate to admit that you’re the one getting under his skin. “I guess—ngh— that may be true; however, I still remember just how bratty you are,” Jungkook grunts into your ear before pounding into you sharply again, “and I still remember how to tame you”. With each sentence, his hips slam into yours deeper and harder, making you fall onto the couch’s back for support.

The hand that was once around your waist slithers up and grasps your neck, tightening until you’re barely getting any air supply, and slowly, your senses start to numb as your lips tingle, and the pressure in your ears build up. Jungkook releases his hold on your hair and quickly shoves his middle and ring finger down your throat as far back as it will go. You sputter and lightly gag as you try and rush to breathe; however, with his vice grip on your airway, it’s almost impossible.

His thrusts are agonisingly slow, and he makes sure you can feel every time he slips out before ramming back into you. His pace is deliberate, taking his sweet time to let you know your release is in his hands; however, he’s unyielding at how rough he’s with you. He wants you to know he’s there; he’s the one fucking you right here and now. He continues fingering your mouth, and you can feel the drool drip down and fall on your chest. You try and swallow to lessen how messy you must look, but he quickly catches on and shoves his fingers down onto your tongue, not allowing you to do so. Your nostrils flare, desperately trying to get more air into your lungs as a sound of pleasure slips out from your mouth.

“God, baby, look how filthy you are. You’re getting so dirty, yet you love every minute of it. You hear those sloppy, slick sounds coming from your pussy? That’s you needing me.” There’s something animalistic in the tone Jungkook is using, and you haven’t heard it in so long that you swear you’re about to come if he keeps speaking to you like that.

Once his hand is completely covered in your spit, he removes it from your mouth before putting the two fingers on your clit, making you moan loud enough to worry if your neighbours two doors down could hear. The mixed feeling between the heat of his cock inside you and the chill of his spit-covered fingers on your clit makes your back arch in indescribable pleasure as you listen to the sloshing from Jungkook rubbing you. The combination of your arousal and slobber makes you soaking wet, and you know there’s no way you’re not dripping on the couch; however, you’re too far gone to care.

You notice the grip on your throat loosens by just the slightest— not enough to stop the blood pounding in your ears, but enough to breathe in a small amount of oxygen to use this opportunity to beg. “Please, please! Shit, I’m so close. Please, let me come,” the words are rolling right off your lips without you even having to think about it, you so desperately need this, and you’ll be damned if Jungkook refuses you.

Quickly, the clutch on your throat tightens again, cutting off any further words. His fingers that were once going at a moderate pace are now going as fast as he possibly can, flicking your clit and making you cry out as your heart races in ecstasy. Your knees spread out further to try and allow him more access, making you sink down and Jungkook quickly adjusts, his body in tune with yours. The pressure in your ears is at a maximum, and your lips are buzzing from the lack of oxygen. All senses are about to be deprived, and if it were anyone but Jungkook, you’d be scared to death; however, you trust him—more than you’d like to admit— during rough sex like this.

Your house is filled with nothing but vile sounds of wetness, skin slapping, Jungkook’s grunts, your extremely loud moaning. If anyone were to walk by, they’d think this was a whore house, yet, you’d have no problem with that at this point. Your voice is raspy from all of your cries, and once more, Jungkook leans in until his tongue is licking the shell of your ear before biting down on it.

“Say it. What’s my name, baby? God, no one but you can use it—fuck—, just say it, _____. Say it, and I swear you can come.” This time it’s Jungkook’s turn to plead in your ear. You almost don’t hear him from him depriving your senses; however, you can tell the needy tone in his voice, and it sparks an ignition inside of you. He’s teetering, on the verge of whimpering, and he wants this just as bad, if not more.

“Daddy! Oh fuck, Daddy!” You scream out his former name you used to call him in bed, no longer able to contain yourself, and hearing what you said, he’s right there with you. He lets go of your neck and allows the oxygen to come rushing back inside your lungs, overloading all of your senses. Suddenly, you’re hypersensitive to his cock pounding into you and his fingers playing with your clit, the impact of your skin touching and his breath hitting your skin; it all overwhelms you enough to be your final push to orgasm.

“Fuck, you’re such a good girl for Daddy— holy fuck, you’re so tight; it’s throbbing, ngh, shit!” Jungkook grunts loudly, swiftly moving up his hand that was once around your neck to grapple your hair once again. Your scalp stings in pain, but your high overrides it and makes it pleasurable.

You can feel his dick twitch from inside of you, and you know he’s close to coming. Still flicking his hand to get you off, he pulls your hair a little tighter, and you reach back to grab his ass and pull him back into you, this time deeper than he’s been. It’s enough to send him over the edge, all of his strength and weight colliding into you and making you fall onto the couch’s back. He whines out your name before biting down hard on your shoulder as he finishes riding off his high.

You have a quick thought, wondering if the bite will mark since it feels like it’s broken skin, but as he slides out of you, the question’s suddenly lost. You fall to the side, completely exhausted, and being mindful of the wet spot on the couch. Your eyes glide over to the beauty that’s still hovering in the same place, his arm supporting all of his weight and he’s heavily panting, looking completely spent. He swallows, lets out an exhale, and rakes his fingers through his sweaty hair before giving you a glance.

Jungkook swiftly gets up and reaches for the towel you threw at him earlier while sliding off his condom. He goes into the kitchen and discards it before wetting the cloth and coming back to you. Before you can ask what’s he doing, he speaks “spread your legs” and begins to wipe you down.

After he’s done cleaning you, he crashes down next to you and swings an arm around your head. Still feeling the after-buzz, you don’t think much as you lean into him and readjust your head, so he’s supporting it. He starts playing with your hair lazily, and you giggle. “Thanks for the aftercare.”

“Mm,” is all he responds, continuing his action while you both lay together, silently catching your breath. “I’m surprised you didn’t freak out when I went right in to choke you and turned rough,” Jungkook randomly notes.

You turn your head slightly until both of you are making eye contact. Making sure your face shows how serious you are, you softly respond. “You’re one of the only people that knows me so well sexually. I spent two years with you.”

Thinking Jungkook would look away from the amount of honesty you’re giving him, it genuinely surprises you when he looks you dead in the eye, returning your blow with his own words. “Spend more with me.”

Your heart clenches in emotional pain and turbulent confusion, and you can’t help but turn away, not wanting to look at him anymore. His words make the reality come crashing back down on you as you’re left realising you just had sex with your ex-boyfriend, Jungkook, when you’re desperately trying to get over him. You don’t know what makes you decide to ask, but whatever it is, it’s too late to stop it as the words are already tumbling out of your mouth. “Are you seeing anyone?” Nicee…Good job on sounding like you don’t care.. not.

You can feel his body go rigid, and his hand movements of playing with your hair come to a stop. You quietly sigh, knowing he took it the way you didn’t want him to take it, so you quickly clarify. “I know you’re sleeping around, Jungkook. Hell, I am too,” you try and assure him, “I just want to know if you’re seeing or talking to anyone in particular.” You quickly add the thought, technically I’m only ‘seeing’ Jimin, but Jungkook sure as hell doesn’t have to know that.

“Oh, then no, not really,” Jungkook responds, easing up slightly before turning the tables back to you. “Who are you sleeping with?”

This time, it’s your turn to close up and try and find an out to this. You turn to look in Jungkook’s eyes, trying to read his facial expressions to see if he’s just lightly continuing the conversation; however, he’s as serious as can be. There’s a moment of silent hesitance before speaking up in a slightly-joking tone, “that’s only ‘boyfriend-candidate’ perks”.

You sit up, needing to get as far away as you can from him and quickly pick up your sweater. “How do I upgrade?” Jungkook responds, sitting up to follow you with the same serious look on his face. You hurriedly shove the sweater over your head and stand up to hover over him, not liking the mental disadvantage of being the same level as him. “It’s none of your business.”

Jungkook sighs, letting the disappointment visibly show on his face as he gets up and puts his pants back on. As he quickly slides on his shoes and tidies his hair, you make a comment about how it’s getting late to try and get him to the door quicker. He nods, noting how he should get going now, yet his feet trudge to the door slower than you’d like.

As you open the door for him and he steps out, he turns back to you once more to open his stupidly-perfect mouth. “Think about us?” He breathes out, and you can see the pleading look swimming in his eye. All you can do is sigh, not feeling the fight enough to try and say anything snarky, so instead, you just respond “okay” before closing the door.

You make sure Jungkook walks off your property completely before your knees give out and you sink to the floor. “What am I doing?!” You scream aloud, your tone full of frustration as you rake your fingers through your hair. You’re confused and so conflicted, it feels like the world is spinning faster than you can handle.

Before your mind can spiral out of control, your phone ‘dings’ letting you know you’ve gotten a text. Pulling yourself together, you walk over to grab it and quickly read the screen, tsking.

Jimin: Got my results back, I’m clean~ Jimin: -photo attached- Jimin: I’m so sorry, I was busy at work >.< but I’m finally free! Jimin: You still in the mood? I can swing by

You should be ecstatic that you can finally fuck bareback with him; however, your mind’s shut down from all the events, and you’re definitely not in the mood now.

You: sorry, but not tonight. You: i’m not feeling too good anymore so i’m going to sleep

Locking your phone, you head to the kitchen and open the fridge, dying of thirst. You have various different fruit juices and milk; however, your eyes immediately fall to the bottle of unopened Moscato. Flashbacks to the night of you and Jungkook flood your mind, but your mood is already down, so the memories couldn’t possibly make it worse; in fact, your sour state of mind is ready to fight anything, especially the god-forbidden flashbacks.

“Fuck it,” you mutter angrily, grabbing the whole bottle and opening it. Your eyes glance back at the cabinet that stores the glasses; however, you just jeer at it as you take a swig from the whole bottle, planning on drinking the entire thing.

Walking back into your bedroom, your eyesight falls to Jimin’s clothing that’s on the floor, and it makes you check your phone, wondering if he even responded.

Jimin: That’s totally fine! I hope you feel better soon~ Jimin: I’ll check up with you tomorrow, let me know if you need anything <3

You know you shouldn’t blame things on Jimin, and you know it’s not his fault deep down; however, you’re tired and angry, and you don’t want to take responsibility for your own actions, so you choose to blame him anyway.

“Fuck you, Jimin. Why are you so good to me?” You angrily exclaim to no one before taking another hateful swig of the sweet wine. “Why couldn’t you respond sooner, damnit. Then maybe I wouldn’t have done this, and maybe I wouldn’t be so fucking confused. Ugh. I hate men and I hate fate.”

112 notes · View notes

winsister91 · 6 years

Text

Resistance...

Summary: She’s a seasoned Omega. Has her own routine and way to deal with her biology and she’s happy, to an extent. Until her Alpha shows up and throws a damn spanner in the works.

Characters: Alpha!Sam x Omega!Reader, Alpha!Dean

Warnings: A/B/O dynamics, mild dub-con maybe? and angst? IDK... chasing, submission, loss of ice cream

Word Count: 3200~

What’s A/B/O? Check out Rhi’s guide!

My Masterlist!

~ Sam and forever tags are open! ~

A/N: Uh oh. I went and fell into a Sam hole in my absence, and an a/b/o hole too! I blame @sofreddie and I’m sure she relishes that ;) This is my first go at a/b/o and I’m a lil nervous, so I kept it relatively safe and there’s no smut on this occasion, so please be gentle with me you horny animals. Here goes nothing!

The air started to acquire a chill in its undertones as Y/N walked down the high street. Her pace slightly quickened, noting the sky starting to go dark. Glancing at her watch, she realized she was due another dose suppressants soon and she rolled her eyes. It's not like she was worried about Alphas. She hated the stigma of Omega being submissive and vulnerable little things, ‘cause that’s everything she wasn’t. She carried herself with confidence, on the off chance some yappy little Alpha shithead came creeping, she could have them running with their tail between their legs with a simple one-liner and a look. She could detect them when they were near, Alphas had a particular stench about them that made her skin crawl. There had been exceptions, some of them carried a particular delectable flavor that had peaked her interests on more than one occasion, but not enough to accept a claim. Her toying with such Alpha’s had certainly had its consequences. She’d been beaten before, stalked, she’d had to resort to moving town more than once too. But not once had she ever been bitten, claimed or knotted, when it didn’t feel right, her determination to ensure it didn’t happen was beyond scary. Hence her hardened exterior to the apparent dominate gender. So, it wasn’t that she feared Alpha’s picking up on her Omega scent, more that she couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. She’d had to deal with this shit her entire life, it really was a chore and a bore now.

Clutching her bag of groceries to her chest, she continued to walk, well, more like a march at this point. As she reached the outskirts of town, her defenses lowered a little as the streets became more sparse of people. It was only another block or so until she reached her apartment, she wondered what show on Netflix she was going to binge that night, clutching to her bag with a grin as she thought of the tub of Ben and Jerry’s amongst the goods. It couldn’t be a late night though, she had work the next day and she groaned audibly at the thought. Office jobs were the definition of tedious and brain rotting, but it paid the bills. Maybe just half the tub of ice cream tonight then, she thought with a sigh.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, just outside a little burger joint she often frequented when she couldn’t be bothered to cook. She stopped in her tracks, fumbling into her pocket to retrieve still buzzing phone, just as she heard the doors of the burger place open behind her.

She looked at the screen, seeing her alarm on screen that she set to remind herself to take her suppressants. “I know,” she scoffed irritably, swiping the screen and shoving the annoying device back in her pocket.

As she straightened her back something made her body freeze momentarily. A scent. Something completely new, and she’d never encountered anything remotely like it. It was a smell that seemed to have everything desirable to her, freshly baked bread, chocolate, whiskey, and the smell of new books.

She heard steps coming from the doorway behind her, and her body instinctively turned, the scent growing stronger as her eyes found it’s source. Alpha, her mind sung to her, seeing a tall man before her, clad in jeans, flannel shirt and an incredibly cozy and inviting brown jacket. His long dark hair caressed his face, where a rough stubble beard was starting to grow through and she already imagined how it would feel scratching and rubbing against her neck.

She stepped back slightly, mild panic tingling in her chest at her body’s reaction to the stranger. This was… different. He seemed somewhat taken aback too, stopping in his tracks as his eyes locked on to her. His mouth hung slightly open and his brow furrowed a little. She could hear him breathe in deeply, given the side glances she’d been getting from passing mated Alphas in town, her scent was evidently growing potent and he was taking it in.

In a weird sensation where it felt like time stood still, they just looked at each other, not saying a word as their eyes scanned and their bodies didn’t move.

“Hey, Sam!” A voice came from inside, and another man pushed through the door. He was Alpha too, his scent unusually sweet and comforting, but the scent of the first Alpha, Sam, drowning it out almost instantly. The shorter haired Alpha continued to speak, “What’s the hold-up?”

Sam gulped slightly, blinking fast and unable to take his gaze off Y/N. “Dean,” he said lowly, nodding in her direction.

Y/N froze, watching the new Alpha’s eyes fall on her. Two Alphas plus one Omega usually equals a whole new world of shit based on her past experience.

“Hey there,” Dean said with a smirk, side-eyeing Sam with a raised eyebrow before looking back at her, “Excuse my brother, he can be a bit...off sometimes.”

“Dean…” Sam exhaled in frustration and rolled his eyes, “Just shut up for a second and listen to me.”

She watched with a puzzled expression as the Alpha’s started to bicker. Normally Alphas would start fighting over an Omega, but with actual fists. Not with snarky, almost childish, comments that made the Omega smirk.

“I’m listening and I’m hearing you loud and clear,” Dean smirked devilishly, “But I thought you were the one who always says-” he adopted a mocking voice, “-We’re on a ‘case’, we don’t have time to go chasing some Omega.”

“Hey, standing right here,” she retorted, gulping as both sets of Alpha eyes locked on her. As confident as she was with handling herself, two Alphas at the same time was always a tricky situation.

“I do not sound like that!” Sam protested, looking back to Dean.

“Listen, Sweetheart,” Dean ignored his brother and instructed to Y/N, “You just carry on home and forget you ever saw us.”

She furrowed her brow, Well, that’s a new one.

“Dean,” Sam growled with a clenched jaw as he grabbed Dean’s jacket sleeve. Y/N did tense at that, she planned on waiting for the fists to start flying and hoped she could make a sneaky getaway.

“The hell has gotten into you, Sammy?” Dean shook his head in disbelief, shoving him away, “I mean, don’t get me wrong she’s quite something,” he shot Y/N a wink and she rolled her eyes in response, “But c’mon man, we really do have work to do. I feel so wrong saying that by the way.”

If she could commend the duo in front of her of anything, it was their confidence and self-control. She’d seen Alphas practically lose their shit at the mere whiff of an Omega scent, especially unclaimed. These two were practically having their own conversation and barely acknowledging her. To say that was the opposite of good manners, she was impressed and intrigued by it. Dean was cute, and certainly an Alpha she was confident she would consider pursuing if given the opportunity. Sam though, he stole the show despite her not having any direct interaction with him other than staring. Just allowing her eyes to meet his set her pulse racing and her mind became a flood of pornographic fantasies. She felt urges to touch him, taste him, totally drown in everything that was...Sam.

He’s so damn tall… she swooned internally, I wanna just, scrunch my hands up in that gorgeous hair…What is with the size of those hands!? Heh...well we all know what that means.

It was almost unsettling, her automatic logic telling her to get out of there, but her curiosity and need screaming for her to see where this was going. The result is her stood on the spot, clutching her bag of groceries and feeling a damp patch spread through the paper bag onto her jacket as the ice cream was slowly defrosting.

“I know, Dean, all right,” Sam said frantically, eager to make his point as he looked back at Y/N and clenched his jaw, “But...that’s my Omega.”

“Y-yours?” Dean’s tone quickly changed as his brow raised at Sam’s statement, “As in… yours, yours?”

Y/N’s stomach rolled as she watched Sam nod and her mind raced.

My Alpha? She questioned to herself, eyes locked on to the taller Alpha. She’d assumed all the ‘true mate’ theories were just urban myths. Stories created to romanticize the true nature of their biology. It felt like her entire belief system was rapidly changing just by glancing into a set of hazel eyes.

And it freaked her the fuck out.

“Sam…?” Dean mumbled, scratching his head, “I...I think your Omega just bolted.”

“What?” Sam turned back to where she once stood, now just a bust bag of groceries on the ground amid a puddle of melted ice cream, and the blur of her coat dashing down the alley by the side of the burger joint.

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Fuck, I really wanted that ice cream, she whined in her head as her quick heels carried her to the end of the alley. She breathed a sigh of relief, seeing a hidden away pile of crates and boxes that she’d assembled months ago. She’d planted numerous escape routes across the city, she knew many of the twists, turns and hidden snickets. Par for the course when you’re an unclaimed Omega and a self-proclaimed pro at ditching sniffing Alphas. She hopped on the stack, being sure to kick it down once she was half over the wall at the end of the alley, before dropping down on the other side, she dared to glance behind her at the sound of heavy thudding footsteps.

There he was, pursuing. His brow furrowed in confusion as he stopped and watched her sat up on the high wall.

“What are you doing?” he huffed breathily, his chest heaving slightly from the sudden fast movement of running after her.

“Nope,” she squeaked, finally dropping down on the other side. She leaned back against the cold brick wall, panting for breath and trying to slow her thumping heart. She could still smell him, if anything his scent was growing stronger, he must’ve been right up against the wall on the opposite side. His scent was so dreamy, making her close her eyes and lose herself in it momentarily. She felt her stomach roll and her thighs clench together automatically.

What the fuck is happening? She panicked in thought, This has never fucking happened. EVER.

There was movement behind the wall and it snapped her back to reality. She looked up, seeing a pair of hands grasp the bricks at the top.

“Shit!” she hissed, panic grasping at her heart once more as she instantly dashed. She’d underestimated just how tall this Alpha was, he’s actually climbing the fricking wall!?

On her side of the wall was a small labyrinth of interconnected alleys that snaked behind numerous shops and eventually leading down to a small housing estate. She knew the twists and turns like the back of her hand, darting down different paths and even circling herself, she knew he’d follow her scent, so doing this might confuse and throw him off.

After a short while of drawing a convoluted trail with her scent, she hopped a small fence which she knew lead to a small woodland area. A small pocket of nature in the middle of a mass of houses and apartments. During the day it provided a small picturesque escape from city life, at night it was an oddly intimidating space, definitely not somewhere a lonely Omega should wander, but that’s what she counted on. He’d never expect her to go running in here, the spot was renowned for shady activities under the cover of night, safely hidden away by the trees.

When her feet crunched on the fallen leaves and soil on the other side of the fence she ducked and looked behind her again, eyes peeping over and keeping a watchful eye for her pursuer.

It was eerily quiet. She could still smell him somewhere, but it was faint and she couldn’t pinpoint exactly where it was coming from. After a minute or so she sighed, concluding she must have lost him and the scent was just lingering. She turned and slid down the fence until her butt hit the ground, she breathed deeply and ran a hand through her hair.

He could still be around, waiting for me to come out or something, she thought, her eyes flitting side to side, Just lay low here a little longer, then head home.

Bunching her knees to her chest, she checked her watch, deciding fifteen minutes is a decent enough wait time. Her mind wandered as it tried to kill time, and it could only think about one thing. Sam.

My Alpha....is he really my Alpha? She bunched herself tighter, biting her bottom lip, Nah, I mean, all that stuff is bullshit right? True mates? That’s just fucking ludicrous, every single Omega has one singular Alpha out there that’s meant for them? I mean, that’s just unfathomable! Nevermind the odds of actually meeting them being next to impossible…

Her ears pricked up at the sound of rustling leaves nearby and the snap of a twig. She narrowed her eyes and scanned around, mentally preparing herself for another dash. She couldn’t see anything...but she could still smell that lingering scent. She looked at her watch again, ten minutes to go.

But what if he really is? And I just literally bolted. She huffed a small laugh and shook her head. Nah, maybe just some new Alpha tactic to make us ‘sweet little Omegas’ submit quicker and easier. I ain't buying that, although...damn he is...heh...certainly not harsh on the eyes. If I was in heat, I’d consider letting him ‘ride’ me through it. She smirked knowingly, All that ‘My Omega’ stuff though...he’d be so fast to claim, I’m not sure I could drop everything like that. I’ve made it this far on my own after all…

She looked at her watch again, five more minutes. Everything was still quiet and the sky had grown completely dark now, the air growing bitterly cold. She pushed herself to her feet, deciding to just start the journey home now.

That scent. As she stood at her full height she felt a fresh wave of it pass her nose and she shuddered as her stomach rolled again hungrily.

“Omega…” his voice carried through the trees, his firm tone and use of the word nearly made her damn legs buckle, “Don’t try running again.”

She froze on the spot as her eyes frantically scanned around, he was nowhere to be seen, but his scent was strong, mind-foggingly strong. Is he hiding amongst the trees somewhere? How the hell did he find me?

“Can’t you just leave me alone?” she called out into the trees, the cold air and her building anxiety making the hairs rise on her skin, “I don’t need an Alpha.”

“I’m sure you don’t,” he answered, “I can tell by your scent, you’re strong, independent, but...frustrated.”

“Frustrated,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes, “So I submit to you and all my problems are over? That’s some cliche Alpha bullshit right there.”

There was a growl that carried across the breeze, it stirred something deep down and she clenched her jaw to bite it back.

“You’re mine, Omega,” he countered, “That also means I’m yours. Just wanna take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself,” she bit back, but a small tremble in her voice. Even though she couldn’t see him, just...that scent. It was damn intoxicating like she was being indoctrinated by it. Her body screamed for more of it, to find its source and drown in it, and that fucking terrified her even more. “You don’t even know me, or my name.”

“So tell me, ‘cause trust me I wanna know everything.”

She couldn’t stop the smile that tugged at the corner of her lips, she bit her tongue and sighed, relenting to give him one small slice of information, “It’s...Y/N…” she said quietly, still searching wildly for where he could be hiding.

“Y/N…” he breathed like her name was something mystical and magical, “I’m Sam.”

“Kinda figured back there,” she retorted, positive she just saw some movement amongst the leaves to her right. She took a deep breath, adjusting her footing as she got ready to move, “It’s been a pleasure Sam, but I really need to be getting home.”

She moved quickly before he could respond, her eyes set on the path she’d set in her mind. She hopped over a small pile of fallen branches, ducked under some long hanging foliage and leaped into a run. She couldn’t hear any movement behind her, her heart sinking. He’s not following. That’s a good thing brain! Not bad!

She continued to move, despite not hearing any following movements, that scent was growing chokingly thick and potent to the point it nearly made her eyes roll in bliss. W-why am I running again?

A shadow moved. Before she could react a pair of arms had whipped around her waist and pulled her to the side. She squeaked in shock, everything moving in a blur as she was spun and forced back against a tree. Her eyes focused in the darkness and it was Sam. He gazed down at her with dark eyes and a heaving chest.

“Told you not to run again,” he growled, pushing his body flush against hers so she was pinned between him and the tree trunk.

“Oh fuck…” she moaned, his scent flooding her head now he was so close. She initially tried to push back against him and wriggle free, but her body was quick to grow limp as she got drunk off that sweet smell and his body was warm and welcoming as it pressed into her. She planted her hands on his torso, trying one more time to push which ultimately lead to her almost collapsing into his chest, “Sam…”

“Y/N…” he hummed, leaning further into her and ghosting his lips across her neck. He breathed her in, a low rumble echoing from his throat, “Mine…”

He grabbed her chin, forcing her to look up at him. All she could muster was a small whimper, something completely out of character for her. In the short space of time she’d known this Alpha, he seemed to draw out numerous ‘out of character’ things from her.

He forcefully collided with her lips, moaning over them hungrily as his hand snaked up her sides and laid flat across her lower back. His hips jerked forward, pushing into her almost painfully. Her fists clenched at her sides, her eyes tightly shut as she tapped into her last ounce of resistance. His tongue stroked eagerly across her bottom lip and fingers pressed deeper into her back, her body sang and her brain struggled to hold the Omega back much longer.

Her lips parted, and his tongue dove in, finding hers and quickly capturing and twirling with it. Her fists fell loose, and she leaned into him, tilting her head so he could deepen the kiss even further. He eventually released her mouth, dropping his forehead on hers and breathing shakily as he gazed down into her eyes.

“Alpha…” she whispered, tugging harshly on his shirt to pull his lips back to hers.

Okay, this is certainly better than Ben and Jerry’s...

Think this needs more? Hit me up and lemme know!

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hogwartswnw · 5 years

Text

Week Of 29/9/19 /// WW Post

What with events, dances and wholesome romance, we've got a fair bit to get through today, so let's get into it!

Officially Dating and a Secret Past~!

(Submitted by Jules!)

Character Name: Tatiana 'Ana' Alexin

Character House: Slytherin

Other Characters Involved: Augustine Deveraux

Channel: #entrance-hall #village #madam-puddifoots

Timeline: This happened during the Hogsmeade weekend, not long after the incident where Ana sprained her ankle.

At last, they finally had their "date." Though it was more of a way for Ana to return the favors that she owed Augustine, it proved to be enjoyable for the both of them after finally acknowledging their attraction for one another. The "date" started awkwardly for Ana, who never went on dates before and had no idea how to act around the more experienced Augustine. They originally planned to have coffee at Madam Puddifoots but after seeing the bright pink decorations, both decided to just buy the drinks and cakes and enjoy them elsewhere in a picnic of sorts.

While enjoying their snacks, they started to get to know more about each other. Awkward questions were asked: What did Augustine want from her? Were they considered dating? Who was he (as a person)? Eventually, these questions led to the boy finally asking Ana if she wanted to be his girlfriend, a role which she shyly accepted. Giving him her trust, she opened up about her sad past, something which she never did before. It led her to tears and to Augustine trying to comfort her.

Halfway through, Augustine mentioned his missing silver box, the one that he was anxiously looking for at the dungeons that fateful day. From his description, Ana confessed to finding it at the underground chamber. Unfortunately, she forgot that she still had it in her bag and accidentally dropped the box, causing the contents (pieces of torn and burnt muggle photos) to spill on the picnic blanket. Augustine, seeing that Ana, a Pureblood, wasn't repulsed by the muggle objects, finally revealed his half-blood background and showed her his muggle mother's patched picture. Seeing a rare side of him, Ana was moved and felt even more connected with Augustine.

Ana was about to ask for more questions but Augustine teasingly suggested a "Truth or Dare" to make it more fun. Before they could start the game though, it suddenly rained heavily, which ended their picnic and had them scrambling for shelter.

IRP Public Knowledge: They held hands as they walked from the Great Hall to Hogsmeade village and Madam Puddifoots. Anyone who were present in those locations could've seen them.

WHEW! That was a long one, but onto the next post!

A wholesome reunion~!

(Submitted by Classy!)

Character Name: Gale Landgrave

Your Character House: Ravenclaw!!

Other Characters Involved: Flora Deniau-

Channel: #empty-classroom

Timeline: Over the weekend

Summary: Gale was quite sad after their breakup and so was flora. He found her in the classroom and decided to try and talk things over to see how she was feeling. Turns out she missed him as much as he missed her. One thing lead to another and they were practically emitting happiness. As they continued to have wholesome Funtime together. Words, kisses, and hugs were exchanged. Finally to cap it all off. Gale asked flora out on a date! They planned on meeting at the room of requirement to Gale’s delight. He finally gets to spend some quality time with his special girl once again! Let’s see how it goes! High pitched girl squeal!

IRP Knowledge: Gale hasn’t told anyone, idk about Flora. Anyone who might’ve walked past might’ve seen them because they were all over each other most of the time.

Same Classy, same. Who doesn't love wholesome romance? Onto the next one!

Bittersweet Advice~!

(Submitted by Miriam!)

Character Name: Kaithlin Lyander

Your Character House: Hufflepuff

Other Characters Involved: Christian W., Art Huntington

Channel: #black-lake, #aux-comc-class, #first-floor-corridors

Timeline: A few weeks before the break until this weekend.

Summary: In her third year, Kaithlin met Art and became friends with him. She already knew Christian, though she didn't like him too much, but she soon found out that the two were dating. Kaithlin realized that Art had his doubts about their relationship, because Christian never told him what he realy felt. Kaithlin decided to confront Christian about it, because she had been in the same situation as Art and it had ended bad for her. She told Christian to tell Art what he felt for once, before it would be too late. That happened before the summerbreak and eventhough Christian had told her he would do it, she realizes he hadn't done it after the summer break. But, eventually Art told her Christian confessed about his feelings. Though Kaithlin has some conflict with Christian herself, she is very happy to hear he finally did what she advised him to do.

IRP Public Knowledge: The only ones who know about this whole thing are Kaithlin, Art and Christian.

There's a lot of romance in the server, isn't there folks? Whelp, onwards and upwards!

New Experiences~!

(Submitted by Madi!)

Character Name: Axel Durnhollow

Your Character House: Ravenclaw

Other Characters Involved: Lucien A.

Channel: #r-dancing-hall #the-clock-tower

Timeline: Started this Monday

Summary: Axel was nervous about going to the Ravenclaw dance and was discouraged because she didn't have a date. However, she ran into Lucien and they had a conversation. Well, it was more of a shouting match, but she asked him to go with her, so it was a success. Axel was SUPER excited to go to the dance, and while she wasn't so excited about Lucien, he turned out to be nice. He showed her how to dance and she enjoyed the new experience. Although they're technically still there, that'll probably be all of it.

IRP Public Knowledge: Really just anyone who saw them at the dance or in the clock tower.

Finally, something non-romantic! There's friendships here too, everyone! XD

Level Up~!

(Submitted by Lizhi!)

Character Name: Jasmine Ze Liau

Your Character House: Ravenclaw

Channel: #greenhouses

Timeline: Since the beginning of the term

Summary: Jasmine is training to be an animagus! She began the Mandrake Leaf Cycle at the beginning of the term, and had it in from full moon to full moon. She has begun her partial transformations, and is currently on Level 2 I believe.

IRP Public Knowledge: Nobody knows, unless a roommate of Jasmine found a Mandrake Leaf in the trash.

Hold on tight, Jasmine! You've only got a little longer to go before you can transform!

An Awkward Encounter~!

(Submitted by Madi!)

Character Name: Axel Durnhollow

Your Character House: Ravenclaw

Other Characters Involved: Alex Lévêque

Channel: #tapestry-corridor

Timeline: Saturday, 9/21

Summary: Axel was pacing and reading her book when she tripped. She fell to the ground and felt extremely embarrassed, but was very thankful that the hallway had been empty. As turned out, it wasn’t empty, and instead, someone had been sitting in the corner reading. They sat and had a conversation about books and Metamorphagi (yes that’s a word). Eventually, the conversation lulled and there was an awkward silence. Axel quickly made her leave, hoping to avoid anything too weird.

IRP Knowledge: They weren’t too hidden, so really anyone trying to listen would hear them.

Whew, that was awkward! Onto a breath of fresh air, everyone!

Wholesome Quidditch Romance~!

(Submitted by LunaMoonie!)

Character Name: Lena Wolfbane

Your Character House: Ravenclaw

Other Characters Involved: Gavin Landgrave

Channel: #quidditch-pitch #astronomy-tower

Timeline: During the weekend

Summary: Gavin and Lena found each other in the astronomy tower, where Gavin wrapped his arms around her and held her. Lena suggested flying in their broomsticks for a bit, so he swooped her up and carried Lena to the quidditch pitch. They shared a broom, which Gavin flew first. In the excitement, they both stood up on the broom, Lena doing more effortlessly than Gavin. They switched sides so now Lena was flying the broom, and did some loops in the air, hoping not to drop Gavin (luckily she didn’t). Once they’d stopped looping and were just floating mid-air, Gavin started saying sweet things to Lena. She decided to trick him a little, and pretended she didn’t feel the same way he felt. Seeing Gavin hurt though made her feel ashamed, as she flew the broom back to the ground. Once the broom was back in its place, Gavin and Lena decided to forget that little trick and exchanged kisses, sweet words (mostly by Gavin) and holding her in his arms. Now Lena is asleep in his arms, in some minutes of wholesomeness.

IRP Knowledge: Anyone who was passing by who might’ve saw them being together flying or just being wholesome.

Even they admit they're being wholesome!

Wholesome Cowards~!

(Submitted by Miriam!)

Character Name: Arthur Jones

Your Character House: Gryfindor

Other Characters Involved: Minhee Hyeseong

Channel: #courtyard , #g-common-room, #astronomy-tower, #training-grounds

Timeline: A few weeks until today

Summary: At the week of the picknick event, Arthur found Minhee together with Kaithlin. They went down to the training grounds, where he ate some of the food. After blurting out to Minhee that she was cute, he quickly left the fields, because he was ashamed. A few days later, Minhee found him and she ended up confessing her feelings to him. Now, they have been dating for a few weeks, both, feeling happier then they have ever felt and finally not feeling alone anymore.

IRP Public Knowledge: Kaithlin was there at the picknick when he blurted out that Minhee was cute. But she doesn't know about the fact that they are now dating. The only one who does know about the dating for sure is Christian. But anyone who has seen the two of them together, might suspect they are dating, because they are sometimes kissing in public.

WHEW!

Okay everyone, I think that's everything for my first week!

Thanks for sticking around and being patient with me!

I also might do server themed shitposts since that's what I'm probably known for at this point skdksndjs

Have a good day, ladies, lords and non-binary royalty!

Love ya!

Queen 👑

#roleplay #harry potter #hp #hprp #literate roleplay #tea #tea sis #witch weekly #ww #witch weekly post #writing

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ravenousnightwind · 5 years

Text

My Story: Mental Illness (mondo long)

I’m going to share some things with you all that some of you may be aware of already. I’ve talked about it before, but I don’t know. I need some form of release. It’s really personal and probably going to be super long. So click below if you want to read it all. A lot of this doesn’t have much to do with paganism, but..it is part of the reason behind why I became a pagan. The sheer amount of self acceptance and reliance, along with other various things within norse paganism especially, has allowed me to be a better person. Just be aware that what you are about to read may be traumatic for some. This is my story, my thoughts, and opinions about mental health. In no way should it reflect everyone as this is simply my way of dealing with it.

I suffer from mental illness, social and general anxiety, and depression. From a very young age I was asked why I had problems with school, or why I didn’t want to play with other kids. Sometimes people tried to force me to do it. In fourth grade, my teacher hated me because I lied about things and stole some stuff. (I don’t feel good about that time.) It was when a lot of my troubles started, because I was literally carried to school by my parents and the principle. After asking me why I didn’t want to go to school, and me telling them I didn’t know, but feeling sad, they grabbed me, forced me to go. I sat on the bench that day. But for the rest of that whole year, the teacher treated me like shit and even threatened my mom for harassment when she called her at home just to tell her I took stuff. I was sent to therapy around this time to figure out why I felt the way I felt. They couldn’t figure it out, and my parents got frustrated with the faculty and the counselor I was seeing, so I didn’t go back. A lot of the emotions I felt went dormant for a while. The sheer amount of pain and fear I felt during that time...I can’t describe it.

Fast-forward it’s eighth grade one of the teachers I had literally put their hands on me and attempted to force me to play with other kids, in public, at a park. At one point, they even sent the other kids out of the room to deal with me and try to force me to get up from a desk, simply because I had my head down when I was supposed to be working (Even though I didn’t have any work to do.) I got so angry that I threw the desk at her, because she kept hitting me on the arm and poking and prodding me. Asking me WHY and screaming in my ear. I got sent home that day for the desk and she made up some stuff in the referral. The next few years again, it seemed like I didn’t have emotions and they got worse but also disappeared to some degree.

Fast-forward, it’s ninth or tenth grade. I was asked if I would hurt anyone in the school, because for some reason, the teachers were freaked out about me. They said, according to my mom “idk he just had a glaze over his eyes”. I told them that I would try to defend myself against anyone who tried to hurt me. So they left, then the principle came. He took me to his office and I sat there, then other people came, I went to the deans office. There was a security guard or some kind of cop there, he worked at the school. They all told me I had to get in the ambulance or they’d take me to the hospital in handcuffs. That’s when I was sent to the mental ward in the hospital for a while. My parents could of got me out of it, but they thought it was good for me. But none of the kids I met there seemed crazy or unusual. If anything, they seemed like normal people. Or normal in my perspective. Some of them were weird, but all and all it wasn’t an unpleasant experience, though I still wanted to go home.

For years I blamed them for a good part of my suffering. But it wasn’t like I didn’t have blame myself. I said things that prompted them to take action against me. Like seeing things, because I was into magic and the occult at this time in my life. They were thinking that I literally saw dragons flying around. I quickly learned that saying things like that would cause people to think that you were crazy and in need of psychological help. After a lot of that, I was in therapy for years. I was drugged with pills, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, etc. Because they thought I was a danger to myself and others. Eventually my mom grew concerned because my mood really changed after that and I got really fat. She knew It was making me unhappy and took me off of them. Though the effects of what the drugs did to me still remain. The often unfeeling of anything. In fact, it is through this method of treatment that I felt suicidal. It’s still the very reason why I won’t take pills regarding anti-depressants or anxiety. It literally blocks my ability to feel and takes away joy, happiness, and sadness all at once. I didn’t want to live a life feeling nothing, it felt meaningless.

One day I was so upset, that I went to the counselors office hoping I could have a moment of reprieve. I was literally about to burst in tears for reasons I still don’t know. When I told them I didn’t know why I was upset, they said I had to leave and they couldn’t help me. That sent me over the edge, and I started crying more and the threatened to tell the dean. Well he came down there and at this point I was crying so hard that I couldn’t even see. He yelled and screamed at me telling me it was bullshit, then grabbed ahold of me. This sent me into a protective state of mind. He tried to put me in a headlock when I fought him. All he could do was slide me across the floor by pushing my palms against his because he couldn’t get me down. I was sent home that day too, with threats about going back to the psch-ward.

In my JR year of high school, I dropped out because there was this guy I shared lunch with. I bought lunch for him because I liked him, and well, it didn’t go well when he found out why I was doing it. He called me faggot in front of the entire cafeteria and told me: “get your gay ass up from this table!” I refused, and him and his friends got up. I stood up to a bully, for the first time in my life, even though I was afraid. Then it happened again in gym class, but this time I ignored his homophobic slurs of how I didn’t deserve to live and how no one wanted me around. I got angry, clinched my fist, and walked away. I wasn’t going to fall into that drama or make him see that I what he was saying was affecting me.

When Christmas break came, I had a debate with myself, if I was really going back to school or not. I decided it was my life, no one was going to control it for me or make my choices. My parents demanded that I go back, then I told them why it was never going to happen, and that there was nothing they could do to convince me otherwise. I resisted every attempt they put at me. They didn’t want to see me suffer in the end, so they said that if I didn’t go back, I had to continue my schooling through a home-school program.

So, we went back to the school and discussed it. Then, the counselor said the most...demeaning thing a person like that could say. “You won’t be able to do homeschooling, that’s to hard for you, then you’ll have to come back here and it will be all for nothing.” I had been in special education for the majority of my life you see, and working at a “normal” pace wasn’t possible. I learned at a very slow pace. But I did the work anyway, with difficulty. However, depression and other such things began to set in again. My grandma was a great help to me, actually kind of doing the work for me. She felt bad..because she saw the pain I was in and wanted to make sure that I was able to get my diploma. I did, but if I’m being honest, I was way more concerned with how I was feeling than a piece of paper.

My life after that point took a turn. I spent the majority of my time in my room, alone, wishing I had someone to share my pain with. I had no friends for most of my life. I never went anywhere or did anything. In a town of nothing like Decatur Illinois, there’s not much to do if anything. Most people you encounter do drugs or other stupid shit. It wasn’t worth getting in trouble with the law just to have friends, because that’s what most other kids did at my age. Most of my life and interactions with people were spent online. It wasn’t enough however, to keep the depression at bay.

I wanted to rid myself of this curse, this sadness. I couldn’t work out why I was so upset. I didn’t see reason, I didn’t understand it. From that young age, even as young as kindergarten I remember I just did not feel well. At every turn in my life, people hurt me, or said I just had to be a man, or suck it up, blow it off. Just ignore the pain! I couldn’t just ignore it, it was there, either consciously or unconsciously, and I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I started trying to figure out how to perform magic on myself, so that I would never have to feel sad again. People said just think good thoughts, I tried, I tried everything. People said happiness was a state of mind and all you had to do was think positive. None of it worked! I figured if people had this weird happiness then I had to have it too! So I used magic and the occult to push my feelings back. I literally removed them, without pills and medical treatment. I became nothing. Just like before, I became nothing and I did it to myself this time. I locked it all away in a bottle, or inside of myself in my mental chambers.

It was there that it developed its own personality and its own way of working through my problems. Often appearing in dreams or visions as a blue furred half transformed werewolf. I struggled with this for years and years, and even today, it’s hard not to struggle with it. Because the ill effects that it had upon me made me stop feeling feelings consciously. Instead, I would feel nothing, but I knew I was sad. I didn’t cry anymore but I was still traumatized by everything that happened to me. When sadness did come into my conscious mind, I couldn’t deal with it. I’d sit or lay there crying for hours or wishing I knew the reason for my pain, wishing I could get rid of it. All of this formed a sense of self hatred inside of me that is most likely still there.

Then one day, when I was reading and contemplating myself. I “heard a voice”, but inside my head, not through physical hearing. It told me “if you feel it, it will go away.” So I did, I tried to feel what I felt, I tried to face it. I tried for years...to release the wolf I had caged inside me. From ages 19 through 29 I struggled with this. Having phases on and off with it, only to discover I was still doing the things from before. Or thinking that I had reached the top and overcame the depression. I didn’t. It was still there and I didn’t know why!

A few years ago, I finally figured it out. In the beginning, I had this. That was always there. I was predisposed to these problems in the beginning and I was punished for it. People didn’t know how to handle me, I didn’t even know how to handle myself! So they tried, and I tried...to get rid of it. But you can’t get rid of what is already part of you. That sadness, it is part of who I am, even if I don’t want it to be. I didn’t have depression because of some kind of event. I had it because I was born with it! These other events just made it become inflamed and worse than what it was. Part of it is my fault, but part of it is also people just being shitty towards me. I know there was wrongs I had done, people I affected... I’m sorry! I’m sorry and I wish I could change it all now! But I can’t..I have to move forward and make better choices.

Except the way that things were, it didn’t change. I am much better at recognizing when I’m having a problem, but it all has affected me in a very extreme way now. I have severe social and general anxiety. I have depression, and there are days I can’t even get up or do normal chores. Everything is hard and there’s not very many enjoyable things. I can’t even play video games or read sometimes. That’s just how intense the emotion is. Take pills, that’s a no go because I don’t want to feel nothing.

So what do I do? How do I cope with it? I go in phases. Some days I listen to music to calm me, some days I play games, some days I read. Ultimately though, I deal with what I’m feeling no matter what. I don’t try to ignore it, I just use these things as tools to help me cope. Because while I’m reading or playing a game, I am also thinking about why I feel the way I feel. There are days however, where I can’t do anything at all. All I can do is sit there. Don’t even get me started on the abandonment issues I have because of all of this.

So then...what is the point of telling you all this? My point is, you can’t run away from yourself. As much as people love to say “it does get better” I’m sorry, but in my experience, it only gets better for a little while. It isn’t totally bad and horrible, but it doesn’t allow me to live a normal life sort to speak. I don’t go to work, I don’t hang out with people, because every time I am in a large crowd, I get really anxious, so it’s hard for me to walk out on the street or hang with some friends. Because anything in over exposure I have to deal with after I’m alone, by myself. You know after I hangout with people, I have to come home and be anxious for hours or days? I can’t deal with anything else in that time.

So what’s the point in living then? People have hope it will be better one day, how the fuck can I deal with going through phases of happiness and then sadness all the time? I have thanks I can feel anything at all. When I was on meds, or when I did magic on myself, I wished every day, just feel something, just feel sad, just feel happy. Because I was on the verge of killing myself, coming up with a plan. I wanted to die...and that was a horrible feeling. Especially when my parents found out I was planning to do something.

I give thanks I can experience this world and enjoy it, I give thanks that I can feel anything at all, because for so long....I couldn’t feel anything.. Feeling sad, depressed, or happy, is so good. I have a reason to live because I can feel, I can want things and desire things when I feel things. I can yearn for things! You don’t have any of that when you’re apathetic. So how do I deal with this emotion when it consumes me? I take it one day at a time, and each time I feel sad, I ask myself why I feel sad. Especially after my dad dying, I took a turn for the worse. I had to go through shit and relearn it to get back to where I was. After three years and now being 32, I finally feel like I have some form of control over myself again.

So, my advice to you and everyone dealing with mental illness is simply this:

Feel, and deal with your shit. Try to work out why you feel the way you do. If you can’t handle it, find someone you trust and talk to them about it if you can. Talk to me if you can’t find anyone. Do something productive or try to, when you feel down or upset. Ultimately though, try to deal with it in your own way. Just make sure you don’t totally ignore those feelings. In my experience, by doing that, I suffered a lot more by ignoring it than I did by feeling it. I also learned to understand why I felt the way I did and how everything contributes to those feelings.

I got lucky, because I found really nice and understanding people to talk to..and when you don’t have a support system, you can really want to hurt yourself or feel like life is meaningless even when you do feel shit. Try to find your own meaning in life, enjoy what you have first before wanting more. Try to appreciate this world and ask yourself if what you want is truly realistic or not. B

What ever happens, know you are not alone. We may all have different situations and ways of dealing with things, but know that there are others just like you who feel anxious or sad. This pain you feel is not just you, even if you feel like it’s going on forever. Know, someone else is suffering with you, me, and many others. Be Proud of Who You Are. No matter if you’re LGBT+ or not! Be who you are, not who others want you to be! Forge your own path in life! Love Yourself!

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