#like the most extreme form of when a fic author keeps writing the same themes or little tics from fic to fic
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Best string theory essays are the first and last but it’s all worth reading. And also like hilarious after infinite jest
#like the most extreme form of when a fic author keeps writing the same themes or little tics from fic to fic#except it’s like Ohhhhhh you just wrote like 10 different self inserts of yourself and it somehow worked#if the reader likes your style.#FEDERER AS A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE HASHTAG GOAT
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From Afar | What the Heart Wants (1)
Qian Kun & Nakamoto Yuta (NCT)
Rating: Suggestive (18+) MDNI
Nothing explicitly is said or done, but sexual interactions are implied.
The beginning of this story has the reader underaged, but nothing happens or is implied to happen before she turns 18.
Word Count: ~14.2k
Pairing(s): Kun x AFAB!Reader x Yuta, the primary pairing is Kun x Reader, but it's kinda both for the first part.
Genre: Reader-Insert, Altered History AU!, Royalty AU!, Plot! (wow), Fluff? (not for sure that's what to call this), not quite smut (yet), Angst (but angry)
!!There are mature themes discussed…if that much isn't clear you should probably leave now!! MDNI!
Warnings: She/Her pronouns used, Arranged Marriage (ish), Harems/Multiple Wives (more fiancées…), Bullying (see Caution), Some Swearing, Borderline Misogyny/Sexism (you'll see, not from the boys, just like…society), Favoritism, Love Triangle, Jealousy, Pining, One-Sided Crush/Infatuation (or is it?)
Caution: This story is a bit darker than my normal stuff. There isn't bullying throughout, just one intense scene. It's not in a school setting, but I do want to warn anyone reading this that it could be triggering. I'll be real and admit that there is definitely toxicity here, and I know that's what it is, I try to be realistic with my stuff. There is also a part where the reader has a severe allergic reaction, so if that is something that is hard for you to read, be aware. Please let me know if you think I need to add in any more specific warnings or cautions.
Author's Note: This is based off of a dream I had while I took a nap a bit back. I changed some details because what happened in the dream was a little too unrealistic. But, most of it is pretty much the same. I have a lot of Kun dreams, but most of them I can't write a story with because there are weird cross-overs with my real life and often the video game Mass Effect (lol), so…
P.S. Kun is my Ultimate Bias and so…I held back for so long of going down the rabbit hole because I knew I wouldn't be able to crawl out once I did. I am working on another much longer series so that's why I don't have much posted for him yet since I want to get it mostly done before I post any of it.
P.S.S. The reader has a bad allergy to coconut, which is one I have. So, it might seem a bit extreme with her reaction to it, but I know from personal experience how bad I can be with it. I haven't had the same thing happen though.
I split this into two different parts because I hate reading a long story, and then the app or page somehow gets closed, and then you have to scroll to find your spot… The second part is just smut, literally just the smut part, but it was so long I needed to separate the two parts.
Part 2: Up Close (Smut)
I am cross-posting this on Archive and Wattpad. Please reblog! If you know anyone that would like this or future fics but they aren't on here my name and icon are exactly the same on the other sites. Happy reading!
Your life seemed to end before it really began. Things like harems for royalty and royalty itself should be in history books and old stories, not modern times. Yet here you were. Historians often talk about how much different the eastern world might look had Japan been successful in taking Korea nearly 100 years prior. Would they have ruled East Asia rather than the Korean Monarchy? Would China be its own country still? Siam? All you knew is that if World War II had gone much differently, you wouldn't be in the situation you were.
In order to keep the commoners and everyday folks of each country of the Korean Empire in line, the Emperor would marry a noblewoman from each land, therefore forming his Harem. When he was a prince, he had his little group of girls that followed him around and did everything with him, almost like some kind of harem anime or even American dating show. One would be picked to be his 'main wife' and the rest were concubines. That's what you were. Well, almost. You were 'in training' to be a possible concubine or wife. The king had five wives, and a son with each woman. The eldest was Taeyong, from the king's first Korean wife; then Prince Yuta, whose mother was Japanese; third born was Prince Kun, from a Chinese mother; second youngest was Prince Ten with a Siamese mother. His birthname was not used very often since most people didn't know how to pronounce it, and finally the youngest Prince was Prince Doyoung. His mother was Korean as well and since he was the youngest, he had the least responsibilities. Not necessarily in a bad way, but he was quite lazy and didn't go out very often. Each prince had a symbol that then was used to name his girls. Taeyong's was a rose and so his girls were The Petals. Yuta's was the Cherry Tree, so his girls were The Sakura. Kun's was a Bear, and his girls were The Ursas. Ten's symbol was a cat and his girls, The Tabbies. Finally, Doyoung's symbol was a rabbit, so his girls were The Bunnies. The name he chose somewhat showed how little he cared for formality. It was too much effort, and he was actually considered the best prince to follow. None of the princes were bad, though, it was simply that Doyoung was the least strict, and there were less rules overall. Taeyong's group was the most prestigious since he was the Crown Prince, and so it was hard to stay in The Petals.
Many different things could make a girl leave or get kicked out. It was pretty easy to get kicked out actually, but most of the time it was by the other girls. Jealousy and competition were rampant, but if sabotage or cheating was ever even just suspected, you were out. Each prince got their initial set at the age of eighteen, and the girls would be at the most two years younger, never older. So, when Prince Yuta hit the proper age, they sent out the search committee. Your father had told you as a little girl that he would never, no matter how much money was offered, let you go. Unfortunately, he didn't get to make the decision because he passed two years prior. Your mother couldn't manage the family estate and business well either, so she remarried, and of course your stepfather was more than willing to hand you over. You never learned how much he was paid, but you knew, to him, it was more than you were worth.
There were always five girls, two from Korea and one from China, Japan, and Siam as well. When you were escorted to the royal palace, you looked up at the tall arch allowing entry onto the grounds. Due to historical preservation laws, no one actively lived in the palace, but there was a modern campus built for the royal family. The guards let the fancy black car you were being escorted in through and it continued down the road past the elegantly preserved palace. Finally, after nearly five minutes of driving, the vehicle stopped in front of what appeared to be an extremely fancy hotel. You were told the main estate was further into the campus and was where the King and Queen lived with the Concubines. Where you were to live was where the princes and all of their entourages lived. Shakily, you got out of the car when it came to a stop, the heels of your black Mary Jane's clicking on the stone pavement. Your suitcases were removed from the trunk, and they went off to your room as you were led down the opposite hallway. Looking around at your surroundings, the building felt less like a royal residence and more of a luxury apartment building, there were even a few restaurants. Finally, after a long walk in very uncomfortable shoes, you were told to enter a large ballroom and you stood in line with what seemed to be twenty other girls. That was a surprise, you thought for sure you had already been chosen. While you wanted to pray you wouldn't be chosen, you also feared being sent back to your stepfather. Your soft yellow and white dress was probably just as expensive as the other girls’ but seemed much plainer. Standing straight, trying to remember your etiquette training, the line of girls all did the same, stiffening when a door on the other side of the ball room entered. At least, you thought it was a ballroom. There was a stage on the opposite wall and that was it. No tables or chairs, nothing. You felt the girls to your left and right turn their heads to try and see who entered, but you just stared ahead. The three people that entered stopped in the middle of the room, a bit to your left since you were toward the end of the line. The other girls were whispering, and curiosity took over and your eyes flicked to look at them. It was a servant, most likely since he was in a butler's outfit, a man in a business suit, and who you assumed to be the prince. He was beautiful, and that was an objective fact. His dark brown hair was longer, hitting his shoulders and he had it tied back into a half-ponytail. He was not dressed like a prince really; he had on a black T-shirt or tank top with a soft-looking grey sweater over it. He was in jeans and sneakers, and you looked down at your dress, then at the others. You were sixteen, but you felt like a little girl then, with your high-collared, long-sleeved white button-up with a yellow sundress over top. Though, it seemed he preferred casual, and you were the closest to that. His stance was casual as well, arms behind his back, leaning his weight on one leg as he lightly swayed, looking over the line of girls. The servant cleared his throat, and it was like some kind of primal instinct took over, and you placed your hands together over your stomach, and bowed low. No one else did. Panic set in when you realized this, hearing the other girls whispering. Now too nervous to stand back up, you pressed your lips together, but stayed bowed.
"It seems she was the only one raised correctly." A new voice, a woman's, cut in and you heard another person walk in. The woman stopped in front of you, and you only saw the bottom of her dress and shoes, she was dressed in the traditional dark green and blue hanbok.
"You may look up, dear." She prompted and you straightened, looking up slightly at the much older woman. Her hair was graying at the roots, but she was still quite beautiful. Her hair was tied back in a bun with a simple wooden pin and you swallowed under her sharp gaze.
"Prince Yuta, please come here." Her tone changed, and she bowed, stepping to the side and you froze as he left his original position and strode over to you. He stopped before you and you dropped your gaze. Don't look at his face. That was clearly something no one else learned and you were a bit worried about that, though, his handmaiden seemed pleased with you. Didn't mean he would be.
"How old are you?" His voice was soft, deeper than you thought it would be.
"Sixteen, your highness." Your hands still rested over each other, flat against your stomach and you tried not to flinch when his finger went to your chin. He lifted your head, but your eyes stayed down, no matter how badly you wanted to look at his face better.
"Look at me." He prompted and you obeyed. He was even more attractive up close, more handsome than you thought, still pretty. He tipped his head and a similarly pretty smile spread on his face.
"Her."
After that, you were quickly whisked away.
"What will happen with the other girls?" You asked the maid that was taking your measurements after you reached some sort of dressing room.
"He will pick the other nine and you will begin training." The same older woman from before entered then and you nodded jerkily, trying to process everything.
"Training?"
"It seems you have begun on etiquette already, unlike the other girls. That will help. Ten girls will start and after your four years the final five will graduate up. You will all learn everything you need to, to be a good woman of the royal family and possibly a future princess."
"I see." The same maid began holding up different swatches of fabric next to your face, flipping through different colors. Seemingly making a decision, the maid nodded to the head handmaiden, and you stepped off the small pedestal you had been set on.
"Let us go child, I will escort you to the dormitory."
~*~*~
Over the next four years, as you were told, you trained. Ten girls all lived in a four-bedroom apartment, three in two, and two in two. It was miserable. You really didn't mind the training and tutoring itself, it was the clique-like mentality the girls had even within the dorm. Let alone in the other training groups. You felt like an outlier the whole time but staying quiet and laying low helped. You yourself were not bullied, but you weren't friends with the other girls either. Not in any of the groups. Prince Taeyong's girls were a few months ahead of your group and the other three were not even a year younger. The eldest prince was only about four months older than Yuta, and he was only a month, maybe two, older than Kun. The youngest were each a month after. It seemed the King had gotten to work quickly…
For the first year you almost never saw any of the princes, not even Yuta. It seemed the first year was really used to weed out girls, and that was when some of the original twenty made a return. If one of the ten got kicked out or left, they replaced her. That was not what you expected at all, but it seemed you were relatively safe. You only got one demerit over the first year, and it was minor. The rules were strict and after your first dink you never messed up again. What did you mess up? You forgot to put in your earrings before the morning check.
After the second year, you would have more interactions with Prince Yuta, and sometimes the others. That was when you first met the third-born Prince. Kun. Your eyes widened when you saw him, it was like some kind of rose-colored filter hung around him. He was…perfect. You weren't sure exactly what drew you to him so heavily, but it was nearly backbreaking, the weight of your crush. It didn't help that your infatuation was with the completely wrong prince. Most of the girls were good at staying loyal to their boy, and if they weren't, that was grounds for expulsion. It was your first true hinderance and possible snare. The only one, really. Luckily, he wasn't around too often in the second year. For no reason, really, you hated the girls in his group. They were so incredibly fortunate in your eyes and didn't realize how much so. Was Yuta bad? Not in any way, shape or form. He was extremely sweet and kind, generous…but he wasn't Kun. To you, that was his greatest sin. Your obsession was a bit worrying, honestly. Though the girls were given a therapist they could talk with, she was there for things like homesickness and anxiety. Not near yandere-levels of love for a Prince not their own. Okay…it wasn't that bad, but you feared that if your mind ever got too weak, if you broke, it would be that bad. When third year rolled around… It got so much worse. The princes did a lot of things together and if a girl made it to year three, then she got to as well. On the new year of year three, the girls remaining were the final ones. One could leave, but she wouldn't be replaced. So, what most often happened, is the gaggle of fifty girls would each take turns with which five would go on an outing with their prince. What killed you about those, was when you were picked, and Kun would be there. It was hard to keep your wistful stares off of him and you prayed he would stick near Yuta for as long as possible, so you could look at him all the more. He was what most considered to be the handsome one among the half-brothers. Taeyong was what the girls defined as cute-hot. Could be either. Yuta was handsome-pretty, Ten was just pretty and Doyoung was just cute. Kun was handsome to the rest, but to you he was also the cutest, prettiest, and hottest. He was by no means buff, but he was able to build the most muscle tone out of all of them and you couldn't help but stare when his pants were just the right amount of tight around his thighs. When you finally got close enough to really look at him the first time, you cataloged every little feature you could. Especially the beauty mark under his right eyebrow.
~*~*~
You were truly a goner when you attended a causal tennis game the princes were engaging in. Doyoung sat off the side with his girls, and they were literally playing some kind of board or card game instead. You sat with the four other Sakuras on a bench, not even watching the tennis ball fly between Yuta and Taeyong's rackets. You were staring off into the distance, messing with a stray string at the top of your knee-high socks. If the head handmaid saw it… Wrapping your finger around it tight, you yanked to try and pull it away, the elastic tightening with each tug. You were so preoccupied with your sock that you didn't even hear the warning call, but something thunked against the back of your head. You yelped, falling forward off the bench, managing to catch yourself with your hands, but you scraped your knees up badly on the court-floor.
"Hiyomi!" Yuta immediately called and was at your side. You weren't even sure if you would have known he was calling you if he had said your real name. You hadn't heard it in such a long time.
"Good job!" Ten shouted sarcastically and you heard another come to your side.
"Hey, you okay?" Yuta helped you sit up a bit, letting your rest your forehead on his shoulder as he looked at the back of your head.
"I'm so sorry, Hiyomi." Your body froze when the other person's voice seemed to speak right in your ear and another hand rested on your upper back.
"Does it hurt there?" You hadn't even realized Yuta had pressed on your neck at the base of your head. He must have taken your sudden rigidity as a pain response. Carefully, slightly, you turned your head so you could glance out of the side of your eye, through your hair, at a red shirt. Only one of the princes was in a red shirt that day. You were sure your face turned about that same shade when you realized the other boy so close to you was Kun, and that the hand on your back was his.
"Hiyomi?" Yuta prompted again and you flinched back to reality.
"Uh, no." Your own hand came up to run over your head, wincing as you felt the small bump forming under your hair. The hand left your back and you felt Yuta move your hair so he could see where you pressed. You gasped when Kun's hand came back, his fingers gently running over the bump.
"She should probably go to the infirmary." The younger prince decided, and Yuta hummed in agreement.
"I'm so sorry, Hiyomi." He apologized again, and even though it was your alias, hearing him speak your name twisted your insides around.
"I-It's okay." You were too scared to lift your head as Yuta helped you stand, knowing that if you met Kun's gaze then you would fall back to your knees.
"Come on, sweetheart." Yuta wrapped an arm around you so he could lead you toward the building and you felt the glares of your team boring through you. It was evident even before then that Yuta favored you, and it made the girls mad. You never made more of an effort to woo him like they did, you just lived your life naturally, and that seemed to be what appealed to him.
"I guess the nurse isn't here right now." Yuta had helped you sit on the edge of one of the two cot-like beds and then he kneeled in front of you.
"Do you mind if help with your knees?" He had noticed the scrapes, and you shook your head with a hum, and he left to get the first aid kit. It was then you really felt the pain in your head, but you hadn't even seen stars, so you doubted you had a concussion. The tennis ball hadn't been going that hard, it had bounced on the court before it hit you, slowing it down pretty good. When the prince came back, he cleaned the scrapes and you winced at the sting. He was so gentle and put ointment on as well before the band-aids. As his thumb smoothed over the bandage, he opened his mouth to say something, but the nurse decided to return right then. He went back out to the tennis court as she looked you over and she suggested you rest for a bit, there was no concussion evident, but you did still get hit in the head.
You had managed to drift half-way to sleep, and you somewhat registered hearing the nurse step out, and someone not too long after coming in. It was a different person for sure, they weren't in heels, and you wondered if it was the head handmaid. Flittering your eyes open when you felt them move to your bedside, you jerked in shock.
"Sorry, did I wake you up?" You tried not to panic, eyes falling quickly to the white logo on his red shirt. You were allowed at that point to look at Yuta's face, but you weren't sure about the other princes. Plus, if you did, you might just explode.
"N-No." You shook your head against the pillow and shuffled under the light blanket. Fuck. You tried not to wince when he kneeled down so he could meet your gaze. He smiled. You were done for.
"Sorry, I really didn't mean to let the ball hit you. I tried to go after it, but I'm not very fast." Kun huffed bashfully and you just gaped. Speak! Say something, stupid!
"I-It's okay."
"Can you tell Yuta you're not mad at me? He looked like he wanted to kill me." You knew the look. Yuta was definitely the scariest of the brothers.
"Y-yes." He sighed in relief at that and stood back up.
"I should probably go before you get in trouble for me being in here." He huffed in annoyance and then waved as he left the little infirmary. You were truly and royally, ironically, screwed.
~*~*~
Of course, it got worse through the third and into the fourth year. All the teams had been narrowed down to the final five, the girls that were weeded out were essentially turned into the reserve team. You didn't know what that meant until after you graduated. And you did. You were in the final five for The Sakuras, the little junior harem of Prince Yuta. You were also the forerunner, the informal leader despite being the youngest, but you were the least popular. Out of all twenty-five girls, they all either hated you or didn't care to acknowledge your presence. To them you put in very little effort to get to your rank, well, how you ranked to Yuta. In actuality, you put in the most effort, and had no demerits and never had to make up in any of your training. All of the other maknaes, the youngest, were the favorites of the other girls. Not you. You didn't fit the cutesy, sweet image you were supposed to it seemed. The graduation wasn't going to be until April. Because the princes were so close in age, they decided to just do everyone at the same time, and that just made the internal competition even worse. Though, your favor with the head handmaiden granted you a privilege. Early information. You knew things before anyone else, you were warned. That's how you saw it anyway. It seemed that there would be another year of training after graduation. Everyone was of age by then, which meant the sexual teachings started. It had to wait till you were finally assigned to your prince, since he would head your 'studies'. You were to learn what he liked, how he liked it and so on. It was a rumor by that point, and many girls were unbothered by this. It made sense and they were okay with it since they would be future wives anyway, and some were even looking forward to it. You didn't hate Yuta, not anything close. You did like him, but… You decided then that you had to give up on the younger Prince. You were Yuta's, and that was final. You also learned that the girls that fell through the cracks more or less joined a brothel, modern day gisaeng for the princes and their friends. Not only did the girls graduate in April, so did the princes. And that meant everything changed. You wouldn't say that they turned into scoundrels, but finally they were more-or-less unrestrained, so they let loose. Parties. Drinking. Sex. Lots of it. You never asked about the other princes, not wanting to learn that your beloved prince had fallen into debauchery as well. Their personalities hadn't changed, they weren't abusive or even rude, but they turned into animals. You heard that Ten and his friends had full orgies with his girls and the extras. You knew when Johnny showed up that something utterly filthy was about to go down.
Taeyong seemed to be more restrained, but he was somewhat selfish. He didn't want to share his Petals, but that didn't mean that it wasn't just as naughty what happened in his quarters. Doyoung preferred more low-key engagements, but just because there was only one girl in his bed didn't mean they weren't going at it for hours on end. The only first-hand knowledge you had was with Yuta. Obviously. Honestly, you seemed to be corrupted more and quicker than the other girls. It was one of the few times you felt like you could be yourself, not constantly worried about doing and saying the right things. It was a good outlet as well for all the emotions you pushed down and hid. You were open to most things, mostly because Yuta was by no means selfish. You preferred the more carnal and kinky acts honestly; you weren’t sure you could ‘make love’ to him. The only thing that first gave you pause was when he asked if you would be okay with two of his friends joining. No other girls, just the three guys and you. It was a bit scary at first, and you wondered if your future husband had some sort of fetish, but his reasoning shocked you.
"You let me do whatever I want, Hiyomi. I want to spoil you." He spoke between kisses along your neck, your shoulder exposed from where his shirt had fallen over it. Yuta wasn't that big for a man, but he was bigger than you, his clothes baggy on your body. If you asked him, he probably would be okay with just one wife. And it would be you. You wished it wasn't though. Even with the comparatively few interactions you had over the years with Kun, you had hopelessly fallen for him, and you were content to pine after him in the distance for the rest of your life. That was better than nothing at all.
"W-which friends?" You shivered as his fingers ran over your back under the garment you had on, one finger slipping under the waist band of your lacey panties.
"Jungwoo. Mark?" His arms wrapped around you and pulled you down further into his lap, his hard cock straining against his pants. It seemed the thought alone turned him on. Those two? That was fine. Most of the princes' friends were shared, but Yuta was the closest with the two he offered. It made sense. It was odd at first to think about it, but if you weren’t sleeping with Yuta out of love, then it wouldn’t be too much different with them. And, based off what you knew the other girls did, it was actually relatively mild.
"You don't have to, sweetheart." Yuta nuzzled under your ear, and you sighed.
"That’s fine." It became a somewhat regular occurrence. And, as far as you knew, the other girls were not in a similar arrangement. But they knew, or at least, knew parts. This made them hate you more, they saw it as favor. It was one thing for a prince to indulge himself in three women, it was another for one woman to get ravished by a prince and his two friends. That was the ultimate sign of favor, you were good enough to not just get solo access to Yuta whenever but get the same treatment from his two just-as-attractive friends. The other girls knew, but they didn’t realize it was a common thing, just once in a blue moon. You didn't talk about it, because you knew how the others would be with it, and it honestly made you want Kun more. Somehow. Even with three men only wanting to please you, you wanted more… Not more, just someone else.
~*~*~
You had a close call though, you almost got found out. There was some big event that the princes were having, some formal party. It wasn't a drunken orgy or anything, almost like some kind of game night with all their friends. All of the girls went as well, it was supposed to be childish fun. You hated it. Not minding cuddling up with Yuta, you hated doing it with all the girls glaring at you. Mostly the other four in your group, because it made his favor toward you all the more obvious. You managed to get through the night, taking the chance to watch Kun without restraint when they decided to start some karaoke. He was the second-best singer after Doyoung, but none of the brothers were slouches. Some of their friends were pretty good themselves, could have been their jobs. It wasn't you ogling him while he sang that gave you away though. And, either fortunately, or horribly, Kun was the one that noticed. The guys were all taking random pictures together, and you stood at the side watching, honestly enjoying the random things they were doing. At some point Kun ended up sitting on the floor, holding up his closest friend, Chenle, so he didn't fall off of Jeno's back where he stood. You covered your mouth and giggled, eyes flicking to Kun as they tried to hold the pose for the picture. His eyes flashed to meet yours and you felt yours grow wide. He smiled, straight at you, and not the sweet one he normally gave at formal events or to diplomats and other public figures. It was a smirk, and it was the sexiest thing you had ever seen. You knew your face was once again red as a cherry, you could feel the heat leaving your skin. You quickly avoided his look; hand going to try and cover your face as you slipped away from the crowd and toward the restroom. You splashed cold water on your face, then met your own frazzled gaze in the mirror. Taking a few deep breaths, you moved to leave but heard voices in the hall, so you halted.
"You know that Jingxian girl is a bitch, right?" The voice was familiar, but quieter than you were used to, so you almost didn't recognize it was Chenle.
"That's harsh." Another person replied. Renjun?
"It's true." That was Yangyang.
"Wait, was she the one who threw her soup at that maid while they were in Europe?" Renjun asked.
"Yeah. She also apparently pretty much stole some girl's necklace that she liked when she went to Japan with…I think her name is Eiko?" Chenle replied.
"Kun-ge told me that she had taken some book from one of Yuta's girls and threw it in a fountain. It was signed or something. He made her replace it and she had to pay like a million won." Your arm jerked away from the handle then. Yuta told you a maid had done it on accident…
"Was it the quiet one he got the leather satchel for?" You shook your head a bit in shock. Yuta got that for you…you thought.
"He told me he tried to get Yuta to let him have her in the beginning, but he said no." Chenle continued, and their voices faded as they continued down the hall. Your head was swimming and your heart had started to race again. There was nothing you could do if all that was true. You were Yuta's, and that was final.
~*~*~
There was a final straw for the other Sakuras though. At it would be their downfall it seemed, and they only fell because they weren’t careful when trying to push you over the edge first.
You were in the lounge, the area big enough to easily accommodate all of the girls and let them have all kinds of fun. Your favorite place was on the top bunk, of essentially a bunk-couch. Instead of a bunk bed, there was a nice soft couch with a wooden loft over it, and another couch on top with ladder-like staircase to get you up on. That was your favorite place. It was removed from the central conversation-pit-like area where most of the girls gathered. They would play drinking games and tell all sorts of lurid stories and secrets, while you would sit under the dim light of a lamp and read.
"Hiyomi, come here!" The girl that called you, Eiko, was the second eldest of your group. She was the only one that was actually Japanese herself, but even then, she was given a different name. You each were granted one from Yuta himself, you weren't even sure he knew any of your real names. Your birthnames didn't matter anymore.
Sighing, you reluctantly put your bookmark in your novel and trudged over to the group. Not everyone was there, Ten's girls were probably off getting drunk and defiled, and three of Taeyong's were with him abroad. Sitting down gently in an armchair, you smoothed your skirt down as you did and stiffly rested back.
"We're playing truth or dare." Of course they were.
"Okay?" They never invited you to play anything or do anything with them unless they were forced to. The competition had gotten much worse lately. As the Princes all approached the grand age of 25, they would finally choose their main wife. You were in the lead, to no one's surprise, but to everyone's chagrin. Yours included. You shot a quick glance at Jingxian. She was the forerunner of the Ursas…Kun's favorite seemingly. She was refined, elegant, beautiful. To many she was kind, sweet, but she was cold to you. She was never rude in person and as far as you know, after the book incident she didn't do anything. That was better than cruel though. She was close with Eiko, and you assumed that was why she disliked you so much, since Eiko cared so little for you. You didn't associate much with any of Kun's girls, but still you hated them. No, that wasn't the right word, you envied them. The worst thing was, you knew that Jingxian didn't love Kun. Just like you didn't love Yuta. She was enamored with Taeyong. Well, maybe not him, but his status. He was the crown prince, which would mean she could be queen if she was chosen. You weren't sure who else knew this, but you knew it was grounds for her to be more-or-less banished. If you really wished, you could out her, and get her kicked out, but what was the point? That wouldn't help you any, and there was no point in lashing out at her out of jealousy. That would make you just like all the others.
"Come sit here." Eiko was being way to friendly, which made you way suspicious. You followed her prompt though; you were the youngest after all. There was an empty soju bottle in the middle, the girls clearly having finished it off earlier.
"I'll start." One of the Petals started; her name was Anjeong. She spun the bottle, and you held your breath, only sighing gently in relief when it landed on Eunhwa, the eldest Bunny.
"Truth or dare, unni?"
"Hm." Eunhwa tapped her finger on her chin, "truth."
"How big is Prince Doyoung's cock?" She prompted and the girls chattered with curiosity. You zoned out then, knowing how this whole thing was going to go. Your eyes drifted to watch the gas flames in the fireplace. As you glanced back at the bottle as it was spun again, not even hearing her answer, your eyes passed over Lumei. She was the maknae of the Ursas, and you hated her the most. You could have been her; she was only about a month younger than you. She didn't seem to notice your glare and she giggled when the bottle landed on her when Eunhwa spun it.
"Truth or Dare, Lumei?"
"Dare!" She decided quickly and Eunhwa looked thoughtful for a second, looking around. She smirked and cast a devilish look at Jingxian before looking back to Lumei.
"Show us what Prince Kun's favorite position is." You wondered if they noticed you go still. Completely. You couldn't show a reaction, you didn't want to let any of them know your secret. They would use it to assassinate you. Jingxian scoffed at the question, over-dramatically.
"I don't think she's can." She grinned coyly, taking a sip of her wine and Lumei sent her a playful sneer.
"Honestly, I can't really show you, because I myself can't do it. But…" Lumei looked around and then climbed onto the couch behind her. She sat on it backwards, knees on the back of the couch, back to the cushion, her head hanging over the edge, hair flowing to the floor. She opened her mouth wide and just sat there a second, the other Ursas giggling. Your jaw clenched, eyes stinging, but you still didn't move.
"Her gag reflex is too sensitive." Jingxian pressed on her throat, and she hacked, sitting up to catch her breath around laughs.
"I can't even open my mouth that wide…" Mianyu mumbled, and the girls chattered and giggled. Your tongue ran over your lips, and you pondered if you could. You were all too familiar with that position Lumei mimicked, and at first you had been disgusted at her pose. But now you would enjoy it with Yuta more, you could imagine Kun instead. Like you often did. Your gag reflex was practically nonexistent, whether it was genetics or a fluke, it had always been that way.
"Okay!" Your eyes flicked to the bottle as Lumei spun it, still giggling, clearly tipsy. You sagged in relief when the bottle landed on Aikiro then. She was your biggest rival…in her eyes anyway. She outright despised you, she felt she should be the favorite just because she was the ‘leader’. Okay…whatever.
"Trush or dare?" The Ursa maknae hiccupped and you wondered if the blood going to her head made her drunker.
"Truth." She leaned back against the couch she sat in front of, sending a wry look your way. What did you do? You rolled your eyes and looked back at the fire.
"How many times have you done it with Yuta, and Jungwoo and Mark?" she asked, and silence fell over the group. Your eyes widened a bit, but you didn't look back to the group.
"You idiot!" Mianyu slapped the back of Lumei's head, and she yelped.
"What?" Aikiro nearly growled.
"W-well. I mean, everyone knows that Yuta invites them over a lot. Jinyu said…"
You felt four heated gazes fall on you and you licked your lips, looking slowly back at everyone else. Your eyes flicked to Jinyu who was staring at the floor, zoned out.
"What do you mean, a lot?" Aikiro looked back at Lumei who shriveled under her glare, pressing closer to Jingxian.
"E-every Friday." She replied. Before you could look back to your fellow Sakuras, you flinched as Aikiro stormed over, dumping her wine all over your head. You exhaled in shock, closing your eyes to prevent the alcohol from running into them.
"You fucking bitch! You told them? I bet you brag about it." You grit your teeth, reaching for the nearby tissue roll, but Eiko snatched it from your reach, her own drink joining. The fruity scent of whatever kind of pre-mixed cocktail she was drinking stung your nose and your hair started to drip.
"H-hey!" Gyuri, the kindest one there, the maknae of Doyoung's bunnies, tried. She really did try, but… You winced and grunted when a hand grabbed the back of your hair, yanking your head back so were forced to look up at the owner. Keiho was the oldest, out of all the girls actually, but she was the most cruel. She was the most two-faced as well. Your eyes flicked to her drink, expecting her to dump it on you as well, and your face fell. It was a bottled pina colada. Coconut. Everyone knew you were super allergic to it, couldn't even eat anything made in the same factory as coconut products.
"Hm, I wonder if you would like the taste of this?" Keiho took a sip before looking at the label on the bottle and she let go of your hair just long enough to let Eiko take over.
"Wait, Keiho-" Mianyu stood then, trying to go forward. Before she could get very far though, Jinyu grabbed her wrist, halting her. No one but you seemed to notice Gyuri slip away from the group and out the door. You prayed she was going to get help. Your heart was pounding, you were scared, legitimately. This wasn't a joke, not a game anymore. They were seriously out to hurt you. Keiho swirled the bottle a bit, and let it tip slightly, a drop falling from the mouth and landing on your cheek. It didn't take any more than five seconds for your skin to start itching, and the girls around you could see the skin already starting to redden, following the path of the drop before it landed on the floor. You tried to wiggle free at that point, out of Eiko's grip, but the final Sakura, Yumi, sat behind you in the chair, holding you in place. She giggled, leaning down to whisper in your ear.
"Should I tell them about Kun?" Her voice was so soft you almost didn't hear her. You froze then, eyes wide, looking toward Jingxian.
"She knows too, you know." Yumi whispered and then you saw the other woman smirk. The other girl still didn't let Mianyu go and help you. Aikiro kneeled then, joining Yumi in restraining you, her hand going to your face and pressing on your cheeks to force your mouth open. A tear fell from your eye, and you tried to shout, but Eiko's hand left your hair and landed on your throat. Not enough to cut off your air, but in just the right spot to silence you. Keiho swirled the drink again and was just about to tip it again, but she hesitated. Why? Your eyes met hers and she seemed to realize how bad it would be to do what she wanted, seeing the raising red welt on your face from just a drop. It wasn't like your tongue and throat would slowly swell shut, it could shut your body down faster than anyone could get help.
"Don't be a fucking coward." Jingxian snapped, slamming her wine glass down onto the side table so hard it sloshed from the glass. She snatched the bottle from Keiho, and she tipped it-
The sliding door slammed open, the loud noise startling her. The girls all looked in horror at the door, and you watched in terror as the bottle fell from her hand, the alcohol splashing onto you, and a swig or two fell into your still open mouth. You choked, trying to spit the liquid out, your mouth already burning, and the girls let you go as Yuta stormed into the room and straight to you.
"Hiyomi!" You spat more out, nearly tempted to force yourself to throw up…if you even could. Your mouth and face burned, your skin and eyes itched, and tears fell from your eyes as your head grew foggy. You were already wheezing, and Yuta was at your side immediately. A second person landed on your other side.
"Sit her up." You let Yuta move you, slumping back into him and watching blearily as the nurse brought the EpiPen down and injected the medicine into your thigh. You felt some relief at the moment, and you grew tired quickly but your breathing was still shallow. The nurse went ahead and injected the second shot and your body seemed to get enough relief that it wanted rest then.
"Hiyomi!" A third voice hit your ears and you blearily looked to see someone else dash in, heading for you as you fell unconscious.
~*~*~
You awoke to the sound of beeping, and distant voices. You blinked to clear your vision and it was clear you were in a hospital. You cringed, looking down at the IV in your arm…You really preferred it in your hand. You felt like you couldn’t bend your arm, and they had put it on your dominant side to boot. Groaning, you adjusted in the bed, your body and head felt heavy. The voices got louder; you could recognize one was Yuta's.
"They did it on purpose, everyone knows how allergic she is to coconut."
"I'm not saying what they did wasn't bad, but are you really okay with getting rid of your entire harem but Hiyomi?" It was another man, a voice you only ever heard in person once. It was the King.
"Father, if I had to pick only one wife, ever, it would be her. She was going to be my main wife anyway. I think having five of them is ridiculous anyway."
"Yuta-"
"I'm not the heir, anyway, so why does it matter?" You didn't hear a response if there was one.
"What about Jingxian and Jinyu?" Jinyu? She was there, but she hadn't done anything that you remembered.
"Get rid of them." Kun's voice was clear. And sharp.
"Didn't you tell me Jingxian was most likely your choice?"
"Not anymore."
"Jinyu too, then?"
"Wasn't it her idea?" Silence.
"Yuta, did what those six tell you not matter?"
"What?" Kun asked then, confused. You strained to hear Yuta's response.
"Yumi. She…she told me that Hiyomi likes you." Finally, your prince spoke. You heard the beeping of your heart monitor increase and felt it in your chest.
"Your highness, I found it!" A maid's voice joined, and you furrowed your brow, listening.
"There's a lock on it." What?
"Just snap it off." Your mouth went dry. Your journal. How'd she know about it? You were more than careful. Or so you thought.
"Did Miss Janyeon have the key to her lock box?"
"Yessir." Fuck. But, if the King requested, it wasn't like she could refuse. That was it. You were out. At least you didn't die.
"I knew all this." Yuta's soft voice was loud in your ears and your breath hitched. What?
"You did?" Kun and the King asked at the same time.
"She's careful. But I know her too well by this point."
"Why didn't you say anything?" the King prompted.
"She was mine, that's all I cared about. It was selfish, but… It is a bit worse than I thought." Yuta huffed.
"What do you want to do, Kun?" Their father moved on.
"It's up to her." It was hard to read his tone, and even in the other room, you could feel the tension rise just by the lack of response from Yuta.
"She's mine." His tone was harsh, you had only heard him angry one other time. Right before you passed out. It felt like minutes of silence passed.
"If that's what she wants." Kun spoke finally.
"I think we owe her a decision, since she went through such an ordeal. It’s impressive she kept it hidden so well, and didn't ever act on it, or act out against the other girls. I might not be around much, but your mothers are, and they tell me everything. She's brave and strong for all the shit the other girls put her through. For now, let's keep it hidden we all know, let her choose her next actions without interference. If she chooses Kun, what will you do Yuta?"
"If you love something, you gotta learn to let it go." His defeated tone made your throat clench. You didn't want to hurt him, you really cared for Yuta. You also knew that your feelings for Kun were borderline insane, if not straight-out irrational. It was infatuation, you weren't allowed to get close enough to him to call it love. You were starting to realize then, that it was probably Yuta's doing. Especially if he knew. Maybe that was why he kept you at his side if the others were around, you thought it might be to protect you from the other girls…
"That's a lot different than what you said three years ago."
"Fuck off."
"Yuta, if you allow her to choose Kun instead, you won't have anyone. It would look bad on me." their father pressed.
"If she leaves me, I'll abdicate." You gasped at that. Yuta was second born, even if he wasn't the crown prince, he was closer to the throne than anyone else. He was right after Taeyong, which would put him in a high position when the eldest became King.
"Yuta-"
"If Kun ditches his girls. If Hiyomi chooses you, you can only have her. She deserves the world, and you better fucking give it to her." You closed your eyes, a tear leaving your eye as you made your own decision. No matter how desperately you had wanted Kun the last four years, Yuta was willing to risk everything for you. You couldn't let him do that.
"Would it look bad for the third-born to have one wife?" Kun asked then and you clenched your jaw, the beeping on the machine picking up. You glanced at it, not sure how to read the numbers, worried if you got any more emotional it would set it off.
"I'm going to tell you boys something that no one else can know. Doyoung already requested that he only marry Gyuri. He's tired of dealing with the girls' drama. Ten doesn't care much for an actual marriage to anyone. Taeyong is willing to have the harem if he's king, since it was the deal for the imperial alliance. He already chose Sooyoung to be the crown princess. I remember when I was your age, all of the crap the girls did to each other, the backstabbing, the gossip. The only girl I've seen that hasn't played into any of it was Hiyomi. Even your mothers love her. If she chose Yuta, what would you do Kun?" More silence.
"If that's what she wants-"
"What the fuck do you want?" Yuta spat.
"Honestly? I want to take her from you. I have for years. I know you said, father, to let her decide without us interfering, but… I'm not going to just sit by." The King sighed so hard that you heard it, your head was spinning trying to process everything.
"If she feels safe with it, I want to bring those six to her. Make them apologize. Hiyomi can decide if they will simply be expelled or if she wants to press charges legally." Your mind ran rampant in that moment. The king was letting you decide? All of your hurt and anger, resentment, jealousy; everything bubbled inside.
"I will have someone speak to Mianyu and Lumei as well. I have a hard time believing they had no part to play, or at least that they didn't know." The king finished and the conversation died, and you assumed they left. A door opened and you realized they had been in the room next door, sharing the wall that was behind your head. Your own door started to open, and you partially shut your eyes, pretending that you just woke up.
"Miss Hiyomi?" A woman spoke a nurse entered, with Yuta behind her. No one else.
"Yes?" You opened your eyes more, continuing the act.
"Do you know where you are?"
"The hospital." You hadn’t hit your head, why wouldn’t you know?
"It was good the nurse had those EpiPens ready, you had a very quick and severe reaction. We're going to keep you here overnight and if all is good, you can go back tomorrow." The nurse smiled and then left after taking note of your vitals, leaving you with Yuta. He sat in the chair next to your bedside, taking your hand in his.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like crap." You admitted and he couldn't help but sigh with a defeated smile.
"I would think. Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"Could I have some water first?"
"Oh!" He got up and went to get what you requested, probably from a vending machine or something. You hated tap water… Yuta returned, and he helped you sit the bed up more as you took a swig from the bottle. You noticed his brow furrow, and his thumb rubbed over your cheek, it must have been a bit red still.
"What happened, (Y/N)?" You nearly choked, luckily you hadn't taken a sip.
"W-what?"
"(Y/N)." He reiterated and you closed the bottle, lip quivering a bit. It had been so long since you heard that name…
"I didn't know you knew my real name." you whispered.
"I shouldn't. But I asked." You had a hard time meeting his eye, so you just rested back, eyes closed.
"I was stupid. I was just reading, and they invited me over to play truth or dare." You huffed in annoyance, "I was suspicious immediately, but I went along with it. I…" You didn't want him to know you heard their conversation, or that you knew he knew about your feelings for Kun.
"I hadn't even been picked, but Lumei asked Aikiro about…about Jungwoo and Mark." You finally looked at him and he nodded, realization painting over his worried expression.
"It was clear that only I get the…privilege." You weren’t sure what else to call it.
"Aikiro got pissed and so she dumped her wine on me. Eiko dumped her cocktail on me and they with Yumi held me while Keiho threatened to make me drink her pina colada." His brow instantly furrowed, anger clearly taking over. But he was the quiet, scary angry type.
"Keiho hesitated, so Jingxian grabbed it from her and decided to do it herself…" You shivered a bit, feeling angry yourself. You never felt so mad. Sad, upset, hurt, frustrated? Yes. Not anger, not the rage you felt taking over.
"What about Jinyu?"
"Jinyu?" You played along. Yuta sighed.
"Apparently it was her idea. We decided that those six need to go. Father wants them to apologize first. He said it was up to you if they get expelled or if you want to get the police involved." You knew all of that already, but you were able to put on a bewildered expression.
"I can decide?" Your prince didn't say anything, and you wondered if he was thinking about his willingness to let you decide about him, or Kun.
"Yes, of course."
"What…what about you and them?" He didn't look at you and you wondered how he would word what you already knew.
"I only need you." He told you softly and you tried to hide your wince.
"Will you meet with them? You don't have to."
"No, I want to hear them apologize. And I want to tell them they're expelled. And I want to press charges." You turned your determined gaze to Yuta; he had never seen you look so harsh. But it made him smile.
"Good."
~*~*~
The doctors determined you were good to be discharged the next day and when you got back to the Sakuras’ dorm, it didn't look any different. You then remembered you wanted to be the one to tell them they were expelled, so you got to. The rest of them weren't in there, but there were maids scurrying about in their bedrooms, packing up their stuff.
"Hiyomi!" You turned as the head handmaiden came in and her hands went to your face, looking you over.
"You poor child." She sighed after you told her in detail what you went through.
"I'm sorry I had to help them find your diary." She pulled the journal out of the top of her hanbok, the lock had been broken off.
"It's okay." You took it from her, "did you look at it?"
"No, child. I know how to respect someone's privacy." You nodded in thanks, and she left to attend to other duties and so you entered your own room. Nothing had been touched, at least it seemed that way, but you still checked. Finding everything was in line, you got changed into something a bit more formal for the rest of the day. Looking in the mirror, you put on the brown and black plaid jacket that matched your skirt. Adding the beret of the same pattern, you pulled it further back, then readjusted your thigh-high socks. After, since you had about an hour to kill before you were supposed to confront the girls, you rummaged through your things. Many of your nicer accessories and little trinkets were from Yuta. Your mind went back to the conversation you had overhead nearly three years prior. Plucking the familiar book off your shelf, you looked over it, the spine was wrinkled from many read-throughs and the signature was in a slightly different spot than the original. It was your favorite book, and it made sense why Jingxian targeted it, but how did she know? Probably Eiko… You then looked at your leather satchel, you used it constantly, and you had nearly forgotten that apparently, Yuta hadn't got it for you. Did Kun really get it instead? Or did he suggest it? Get it for Yuta to give you? You didn't know. The other little gifts started to leave a sour taste in your mouth, making you wonder if he had lied about any of the rest. Your glass paperweight in the shape of a cat went missing, and supposedly a maid found it in your laundry, so he brought it back. A set of manga you liked had a limited edition only sold in Japan that he got for your birthday. But…he hadn't been in Japan when they were on sale. Kun had been though. Letting your thoughts loop into the negative, you gathered all of your gifts, minus the bag, and piled them on your desk. The bag was a practical item, so it was allowed some grace, but you wanted to ditch the rest for some reason. Why did you feel so mad at Yuta? It wasn't like he did anything wrong, technically, he just continued to act like he didn't know about your feelings for his half-brother.
"Lady Hiyomi?" A soft voice called after a knock on your door. A younger maid had come to escort you to a sitting room where you were to meet with the girls. Swallowing the few nerves you had, surprisingly, you followed after her and entered the room. It was empty, no one else was there-
"(Y/N)." You startled, only noticing Kun as you got further into the room. He was sitting on the couch under a window, and you wondered why Yuta wasn't there. He looked gorgeous as always; his hair dyed a dirty blonde and slightly wavy, and he had on a navy and white letterman jacket.
"(Y/N)?" If Yuta wasn't supposed to know your real name, how did Kun? That didn't matter, you were there with him, alone. And he was coming toward you. That's when you got nervous, and you gripped your hands together to hide their quaking.
"Yuta told me. I…I needed to show you something before everyone else gets here." He pulled his phone from his back pocket, and you glanced up at his face to see his clearly upset expression. He tapped on the device, and you heard an audio recording start.
"Can you help me or not?"
Yuta?
"I can, but what's in it for me?"
Was that…Jinyu?
"I'll make it so you can leave. Get out of here." "What do you want me to do?" "Come up with the plan yourself but figure out a way for the other four Sakuras to get expelled." "Can't you do it yourself?" "Not without a reason. Public image and shit. I really don't care about the rest of them, I just want Hiyomi. Can you do it?" "Probably. You wanted me to drag Jingxian too, right?" "Please. She's gotten on my last fucking nerve. She has to know about Hiyomi and Kun, why else would she be such a bitch?" "I know that's it. What was the last thing she did again?" "Something petty, poured bleach on her favorite dress. I got her a new one and she didn't even notice, but…" "How many things have you replaced?" "Like seventeen or something crazy. Those are just the ones she doesn't know I did, too." "You know, if you weren't my cousin, I wouldn't do this." "Bullshit, you know that's not why. We're only second cousins." "I'm serious, Yuta. I couldn't care less about the others." "Even Kun?" "Kind of hard to like your future husband when you're a lesbian."
It was clear there was more to the recording, but he cut it off. You were silent for some time, trying to process everything you just heard. You stumbled and Kun quickly pocketed his phone and reached out to stabilize you, then led you to the couch.
"Did…did Yuta know what the plan was?"
"I doubt it. But…it still was partly because of him." You slumped against the back cushion, resting your cheek on it, mind swirling. Your hat fell from its place, and you just pulled it all the way off.
"W-what do you make of it?" You needed more information; your emotions were so turbulent you couldn't even decide for yourself what to feel.
"Well…I know Jingxian was such a bitch because I like you." He just straight out admitted it and your body froze, your default response. He must have noticed the jolt you gave as your body stiffened and his hand went to your chin, prompting you to look up at him. Being so close to him, it took your breath away, he was even more stunning up close. And his eyes were so gentle and warm, not the same sharp heat you normally got from Yuta.
"Honestly, early on I tried to get Yuta to let you go, so I could have you instead, but he refused." Kun sighed, then huffed with dry amusement, "I'll admit I'm a little crazy when it comes to you."
"Birds of a feather…" You mumbled and he let your face go and you just slumped against the couch again.
"You know how Yuta gets you two presents for your birthday?"
"One's from you, huh?" You guessed accurately it seemed.
"How-"
"A few years back, I overhead your friends in the hall. They said that you made Jingxian replace my signed book. I know my bag was from you. Looking at it now, those gifts make a lot more sense. They would be so different from each other. Yuta would get me a pretty set of earrings and a necklace, but then there would be a full book series. Or instead of nice shoes, it would be a galaxy print. The year-long pass to the planetarium?" Kun was more of an intellectual than Yuta for sure, he was the only one of the princes that went to college. That was part of the reason you liked him so much, he was more similar to you than anyone else there. You knew that even with the restricted amount of time you had around each other.
"How did you get that recording?" You asked when it seemed he was struggling to find a response. He glanced up at you, head still bowed, dirty blonde bangs falling over his brow.
"Jinyu sent it to me with a caveat. She made me promise that you wouldn't press charges against her. She doesn't mind the expulsion, would welcome it…"
"Did you know that she was…?"
"Yeah. She told me early on."
"Yes, it was her idea, but… Yuta prompted her, and if you promised her that, I'll respect it." Your expression hardened then, so quickly it made Kun raise his brow in surprise.
"I can't believe him. I know…" You swallowed hard, "I guess he did it because he loves me. Or that might be what he says, but for all this time…" You exhaled hard through your nose, brow furrowing.
"Yes, I want to get back at the girls even past kicking them out, pressing legal charges. They put me through so much shit for so long…And I shouldn't be this mad at Yuta, but… I want to get back at him too." Your last sentence was much quieter, you felt ashamed of your rage toward him, but that recording just bubbled everything over. You looked up then, fully to make eye contact with Kun.
"I just…I don’t know how. Help me?" The other prince hummed, leaning into the back cushion himself, looking pensive.
"I shouldn't be as sadistic as I want…" Your phone alarm went off then, meaning the others would be coming rather soon.
"Think on it, I'll go with what you plan." You told him, standing to adjust your clothes. Stepping over to a mirror, you put your hat back on, fixing your rumpled hair as well. The king was coming too after all. As you primped, Kun stepped up behind you so you could see him in the reflection as well. He wasn't any taller than Yuta, but that did still put him nearly a head taller than you since you weren't in heels. You gasped, watching his arms wrap around you from behind, his cheek pressing against the side of your head. The black fabric of his sleeve smelled amazing, like him of course. Your heart started to beat so hard you were sure he could hear it, maybe even feel it where his chest met your back.
"Tell me, what does Hiyomi mean? Do you know?"
"Something with sunlight and beauty." You had learned Japanese in your training, but that didn't mean you knew name etymology. Yuta had mentioned it before though.
"How do you like Yuhua?" You assumed it was something similar…was he already thinking of picking a different name for you? Honestly, it was the next best after your birthname.
"Perfect." You whispered and nearly whined when he pulled away abruptly, the door opening not even thirty seconds later. Your posture immediately corrected itself, and you bowed your head as the King entered, followed by Yuta, then the six girls were escorted in by a few of the royal guards. Though, they looked more like federal agents…
"Sit." One of them ordered and the clearly dismayed girls followed. There was still evidence of mascara running and their faces were blotchy and red. They weren't in their fancy clothes either, having been dressed in clothes similar to the uniforms worn as trainees. Plain pleated skirts and button ups with a cardigan. For once, you weren't the plainest dressed one in the room, and you felt more smug than angry looking over them.
"Come here, child." The king prompted and you stepped to his side at his prompting, head still bowed to avoid looking at his face. You didn't notice the glare Yuta had sent Kun's way when he realized he had arrived there early. And that he had access to you without your prince being there as well.
"Tell them, Hiyomi." He motioned with his hand, and you turned to face them fully. They were clearly shocked by your cold gaze, and your eyes met Jinyu's. She looked significantly less nervous, and it was clear she was putting on an act.
"Expel them, please, your highness." The five other girls had various reactions, all forced down and if glares could kill, Jingxian would succeed in her mission.
"Of course. Now, you six. Apologize." The King's tone was hard, and the girls shakily stood and moved to face you. They clearly didn't want to do what followed, but they had little choice. They fell slowly to their knees, and bowed low, foreheads on their hands pressed to the floor. You barely registered the clearly scripted words they spoke, and you turned to look over your shoulder at the princes. Your gaze first went to Yuta, and it was clear he had no idea that you knew everything. He gave you his classic smile, but it just pissed you off then. You then looked at Kun and he gave a subtle nod.
"Jinyu can go." You then noted and the King was curious why you only let her go, but he allowed it. He knew there was something unspoken since Jinyu seemed to sag in relief as she left.
"We'll tell them the rest, father. Would you mind leaving us to it?" Kun stepped forward and his father turned to look back at him. They exchanged something unspoken through their gaze.
"Very well." He nodded and he left along with the guards, who stayed stationed outside the door as it closed.
"Hiyomi?" Yuta stepped up closer, but you ignored him, going to where the girls had sat back down. The other Sakuras looked a bit more nervous, but Jingxian was steaming. All of her hard work over the years, desperate to get whatever wealth and power she could, gone. The sneer she shot you pissed you off, hand flying up without thought, smacking her hard enough to snap her head to the side. She just sat there, not looking back at you. Not sure what to say to them, you turned and looked at Kun who was in the same spot, a little behind his slightly older brother. A smug look fell on his face, and he stepped around the other prince, shedding his letterman-style jacket and laying it on the table. You wanted to swoon as he rolled the sleeves of his white button-up, so they bunched above his elbows. Paired with his watch and the ring he had on his index finger, it was so little, but so hot. Yuta must have noticed how your expression changed, recognized it even, but you knew it was different than anything you gave him.
Kun sidled up next to you and he raised a brow, silently asking if you were ready. You nodded so slightly, with a tiny hum and you gasped as his hand grabbed your chin. The move was a bit rough, but your gasp was of delight, not fear or shock. His eyes were still warm, and he had the sexy grin back, your thighs twitched along with your core.
"You know, it’s a shame that only Yuta could get a girl so good." His grip softened, and he cupped your jaw instead. The room was so quiet you could hear Jingxian's jaw clench and made her teeth grind against each other. Kun's face was so close to yours that you felt his breath on your lips.
"Kun, what are you-" Yuta started, coming closer.
"But it's also a shame that she got stuck with him." His tone was incredibly patronizing, derisive and you just took the chance to bask in his presence and attention as he pulled his phone back out, stepping back slightly. He still had the audio clip paused where he left it off before, and you saw then it was half-way through.
"At least you only have to deal with one guy. He also knows. I have to get it up for four other sluts I couldn't care less for."
The four other Sakuras gasped, and your eyes flicked to look at Kun's phone, but his hand at your jaw turned you back to focus on him. It was hard to get mad with the following audio while looking over him, so close to you. You didn't even care to look and see what Yuta's expression was. He had frozen, just behind his half-brother, almost scared to move.
"Viagra?" "No, I just pretend they're Hiyomi. Hard to do though. Eiko's so fucking annoying and won't shut up. Sounds like a bad porno. Aikiro still doesn't know what the fuck she's doing even after training for a year and more. Yumi has no stamina and is selfish to boot. Keiho-"
Your eyes flicked to the phone again, waiting for him to finish. It seemed he paused to take a drink or something, because the audio kept progressing.
"Keiho is a fraud. She thinks I don't know that she goes to Ten's little orgies or whatever. I know she's slept with half of the guard too."
All the girls looked at Keiho then, her cheeks that were bright red with anger were now horribly pale.
"She acts like she wants stuff vanilla, loving. I know she can only get satisfied with two cocks in her."
Kun shut it off then, only a few seconds left but you had heard enough. How dare he criticize Keiho when he was the one that brought his friends in to fuck you at the same time? Did he think it would be flattering that he only thinks of you when he's with the others?
"Hiyomi-" Yuta tried to start, and you wanted to push around Kun, smack his stupid pretty face. But you trusted the other prince to come up with the best thing he could. He already tore down the girls, that much was obvious from their faces and the devastated looks they sent Yuta.
"Despite his supposed love for you, sweetheart, it’s a shame you don't feel the same." Since it wasn't directed at you, and it would still be incredibly hot if it was, the smug sadistic grin he had riled you up all the more. Kun hummed, prompting you to respond and he chuckled at the dazed look you had.
"No, I don't." It was like he was some kind of drug; your thoughts were foggy, and you needed more of him. He had taken out the girls, they looked like all the fight had been ripped from them, slumped on the couch. It had hit Yuta too, but not enough, not yet. Though, Kun needed to finish Jingxian first.
"Do you know how hard it was for me? From the moment I saw you, I wanted you. The only reason I was going to choose Jingxian was because I hate her. I couldn't live with myself if you weren't my wife, my princess, but I didn't want to hurt the other girls. They didn't deserve the hurt like her. She's a horrible human being and she seemed all the worse compared to you, (Y/N)." Hearing him say your real name again did it, you were head over heels in love with him and you thanked whatever higher being finally graced you with something good. All of the shit you had put up with came to the best moment of your life, knowing Kun wanted you just as badly as you wanted him. Even if you both knew it was crazy, even sick; at least you could be lovesick together. The final hit to the girls, hidden from Yuta since Kun blocked you from his sight, was the extremely gentle kiss he pressed to your forehead, followed by him gently brushing his nose over yours.
"Guards, take them to the police." The prince let your chin go, just enough so he could step back so as not to shout in your ear. The door opened and the suits came in, quite literally hauling the girls away, Jingxian now just as broken as the others.
"Only one left." You whispered when Kun came back to you. He shifted where you stood with a hand on your lower back, making you visible to Yuta then.
"Show him you're mine." He told you and it seemed your minds were linked. At graduation, each girl would kneel before the prince and swear their loyalty, almost like being coronated. You sank to your knees, but you looked up at him instead. The normally practiced display of reverence for a girl's monarch was corrupted by the desire you looked at him with, and he you. You were submitting to him as a man, not as a higher-up, nor a prince. He grinned when your hands gripped his belt, not moving to remove it, but the implication was clear-
"You fucker." Yuta shot forward, hand burying in Kun's shirt and yanking him away from you. You flinched back as Kun was pulled away and you quickly stood as the brothers stared each other down.
"You lost, Yuta. Move on, she's mine now. Ready to abdicate?" You flinched back with a gasp, hands covering your mouth as Yuta's fist moved toward his brother's face. Kun deftly moved his head the little bit he had to for the blow to miss.
"Wait!" You tried to weasel your way between them before the elder landed a punch on the younger. Even though they were the same height, Kun was bigger, Yuta had a hard time gaining any kind of bulk and he looked like a twig next to the other prince. While he wasn't the most muscular man you knew, he was outright perfect to you, and it was clear he was strong because Yuta barely budged him with his tug on his shirt, he moved with the pull. That was beside the point… You got back at Yuta, what happened was enough, you could tell by the hurt etched into his face. Your anger had immediately dissipated, a better solution hitting your mind. Neither of them knew you had heard the full conversation the day before, but that didn't change that you had.
"Don't abdicate. You already are losing your harem, but you told Kun to only have me, right?" Both men were clearly shocked that at your words and you took the chance to shove Yuta off, standing in front of Kun, clearly in a show of protection. Like you could really do anything…
"Y-yes." Your prince's voice was soft and rough. He didn't deserve how much you really wanted to wreck him. Your rationality had kicked in, logic taking over, he was already defeated.
"We’ll tell the press that the other four turned against me because I didn't want to be involved with you. Turn it on me. You take the three from Kun, and I go to him. You're second born, you can't just give up those rights-"
"(Y/N), I don't want to be a prince without you as my princess." Your chin quivered a bit at his tone, his eyes glassy.
"And I don't want to be a princess without Kun as my prince." You countered. You needed to break his heart for him to let you go. You didn’t turn to look at the other man even though Yuta's eyes flashed to look over your shoulder.
"Take the other three, add two more from wherever, do whatever. Wouldn't you rather move on and find someone else than love me and know I don't feel the same? If you love something let it go? Do you think I want to be restricted to you, when I love someone else?"
"You love him?" You didn't respond to his question. It wasn't the real definition of love, it wasn't that pure, but you had some twisted loyalty to Kun that you never did for Yuta.
"Do you love me?" You pushed back. You weren't sure, it seemed somewhat like you were a trophy, a luxury item that he might adore, but…
"You're supposed to be mine." He didn't answer the question. Not directly.
"You don't love me, I’m just your favorite. You liked that I didn't fight the other girls tooth and nail just to get your attention. You liked the challenge. If you really cared you would have told me all the shit that Jingxian did, and the others, I'm sure. You never even bothered to learn who I was, getting me pretty, girly things. You played up the romance but never did anything I liked with me. I might have been in your bed the most, but I wasn't in your heart."
"And you were in Kun's?" Yuta nearly spat, not trying to defend himself, because you were right.
"What's her favorite thing?" The man behind you cut in and you turned to look at him. You didn't answer, genuinely curious if Yuta knew, because he never acted on it…
"Books."
"Wrong. Space. She goes out at night to watch the stars. All her books are science-fiction. Her favorite sweatshirt is of the milky way and if there's ever a special event at the planetarium, she's there." How did he know all of that? The other prince was silent, clearly not sure what to do or say next. His eyes went back to you, and you couldn't meet his look, and stepped closer to Kun.
"Favorite animal?" Kun continued.
"Dogs-"
"Goats. She just can't have one as a pet, she asked. The keychain on her bag is a goat. So is the plushie she takes with her on out-of-country flights. She tells people she likes dogs because it's more accepted.”
"Her favorite color is dark purple because it looks like the night sky. She loves snow but hates rain. She's the only girl fluent in all four languages. She hates moths and loves fireflies." He kept going and you wondered how he knew all that. Though…it was all things that were more or less common knowledge, things your friends knew. It wasn't creepy, just observant, and it should be things Yuta knew. But, based on his face, he really didn't.
"He loves planes. He took lessons to learn to fly one. He loves cats but doesn't have one because Lumei is allergic. He wears a lot of black and white, but he always uses a blue pen because he likes blue too. He hates cold weather; he knows how to cook, and he even is scared of butterflies." You smiled softly, realizing all the things he knew about you, you pretty much knew about him as well. It was things you overheard while near him or figured out by watching him from afar. After an uncomfortable silence, you finally looked up to meet Yuta's gaze.
"I'll go talk to father. I'll… if you ever break her heart, I'll fucking kill you." The prince exhaled, seeming to get some kind of closure and he stepped closer, reaching for you. Midway though, his hand stopped, and his eyes flicked to the side, at your earrings.
"They're moons." He noticed.
"Yes." Your voice was quiet, and the prince dropped his hand, cast one more look to his brother, and left. Watching him go was…a relief. You thought you might feel something else, be a little sad, or hurt, but you just felt at ease. As you turned to face Kun once more, he was already there, his hands at your jaw and he pulled you to him, kissing you so hard your teeth clashed against his. The force of him pulling you into him knocked your hat off, falling to the floor. You whimpered, hands holding his wrists as you try to meet his fervor. Your butt hit the table when he turned you with his leg wedging between yours. One hand left your jaw to cup the back of your head, blunt nails scratching your scalp. The other hand found its way to your waist, then his arm snaked around your middle, helping you up to sit on the table. Kun finally pulled away, both of you panting and your dazed eyes met his sharp ones.
"Fuck." He sighed, leaning forward and resting his forehead on your shoulder. His hands rested on the table, holding him up so he didn't rest his full weight on you, and he stood there for a while. You pressed your cheek to his soft hair, basking in him finally being so close to you. Slowly, you brought your arms up, shaking, and wrapped them around his shoulders. The hug was quickly returned, Kun enveloping you back, and you pressed your face into his chest. With your ear over his heart, you closed your eyes, listening to it beat, soaking in the scent of his cologne. Neither of you really wanted to pull back, but never-the-less did so. He took your hands in his, bringing them up so he could kiss them.
"I need to talk to father as well, sweetheart," his hand cupped your cheek, thumb rubbing your soft skin, "wait for me."
Due to formalities and legalities, you weren't Kun's right away. Because of all the rules, you both were moved into a guest house more or less, still on the royal campus, but not one of the official palaces. You had to wait for nearly a week as the ministers convened, trying to figure out what the hell to do. Taeyong remained the heir and was the only one that kept the harem as promised. Yuta didn't abdicate, but he didn't rebuild his harem either. He ended up moving to Japan then, becoming the ambassador for that part of the empire. Kun adopted most of his roles and rights, and it was well received by the public that he wanted to marry for love instead. He wasn't the heir, so the ministers didn't mind too much. Ten had some of his privileges revoked when it was revealed how debaucherously he was living, but he didn't mind. Doyoung too gave up his harem, minus Gyuri. A lot of things changed fast, but it was welcome. Finally, once everything was official, you stood in the middle of the foyer of your new home, watching people mill about as they moved the final things in. Looking around, you startled when someone snuck up behind you, hugging you.
"It's done, sweetheart." Kun nuzzled behind your ear, and you bit your lip, giggling.
"Once everyone leaves, I'm going to take you, since your mine now."
Part 2: Up Close (Smut)
Master-Master List
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writer asks... 🥺🛒🤡✨🎶🎨👀
��� Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels? I think that something that always gets me is when the interaction is nice and good and lovely, and it could continue to be nice and good and lovely, but there are underlying circumstances that will not let it be and even now the cracks are starting to show. I love it when you can see the painful dissolution of a relationship long before it actually comes to fruition. it's so hhhhh and I write it a fair bit with characters like arabella and j'zargo, torr and astrid, pax and martin, and so forth
🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc. the thing that draws me most to writing is the characters; I think most of my writing is in some form a character study. I'm perpetually fascinated by how people react to difficulty, how they relate to one another, how their experiences inform their actions. so I think most of the themes that crop up often relate to that. I like using a lot of images and motifs, as well, but I can't think of any that are ubiquitous, though most of my characters have one or two specifically assigned to them that I like to reference
🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh? hmm... I'll be honest almost anything with efri has at least one thing in it that is extremely funny to me. she just says things. I'm looking through her document to give an example and there's just so much in here. in her first meeting with savos she asks him how old he is and then raps her stick on the ground and says "you're dead," before he can finish answering. she announces to the group of vampires she's sitting around a campfire with that she isn't sure how she feels about her choice to free them, you know, ethically speaking. she refers to the eye of magnus exclusively as "the ball" and when mirabelle informs her what they've been calling it she says "huh. that's a weird name" (she does not know who magnus is)
✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉 I'm genuinely really happy with where my writing is right now. I'm proud of how much improvement I can see over the last few years in how I portray scenes, atmosphere and dialogue, and I see a lot of potential for growth which I find really exciting! since I was a little kid I've wanted to be a published author and I feel like that's actually in the cards for me at some point in the not-too-distant future (assuming, you know, I actually write a book)
🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately? I cannot play music or listen to literally anything when I'm writing. I close the door and the windows and ask my siblings to turn down their youtube videos or else I Cannot Focus An Inch. however I do love to listen to music to help me think through my stories and characters... it helps me get into a Mood and I've gotten a lot of ideas that way. most recent song I've begun to associate with a character is the amazing devil's the calling. it's pax (ish) at a very specific story beat
🎨 How do you feel about fan art of your stories? LOVE IT FOREVER. I still regularly look at art fight attacks and go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I want to give each of them a turn as my profile picture but I keep forgetting :(
👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! the Ludicrously Big Project.... if I keep the other sections to a similar length it will end up over a hundred thousand words, which is ABSURD. if I don't, the first bit will feel like such an insane outlier. I guess we'll see... I don't want to go into too much detail since I am only about a quarter of the way in (ridiculous) and I might trim the section I've written down a Bunch, so I don't want to like. jinx it. or say anything that ends up not being true. I will say that each main part focuses on the same story from the perspective of a different character and it is an exercise in not writing in little scenes pieced together (the reasons it is SO STUPID LONG methinks... if it was just the one character in vignettes it would have ten thousand words cut out and it would be done already) and that none of the characters in it are mine. unless you count the ones I made up expressly for this story. also it is pretty dark... which isn't super uncommon for my longer stuff it seems. I guess the more intense topics demand more space to resolve themselves. but there are parts that might be hard to read (definitely will be hard to write). whenever I post it in fifty years I will be sure to include comprehensive content warnings
#thank you muchly for the ask! sorry it took me a while to reply I was busy putting slime on my head#and then I wrote way too much about it#ah I'm kind of nervous about the Long Thing tbh. I always get worried about writing sensitive topics Well#I really don't want to mishandle stuff#but I will do my research and my best. and I'll see how it goes!!!!#ask
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did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? (a.i.)
right where you left me: prologue
pairing: ashton irwin x olivia jones (oc)
warnings: uhh a kinda grieving theme i guess? but no deaths. it has a sad tone overall, but nothing major (in this chapter hehe). foul language because i can't help myself. the tiniest mention of alcohol, but as a memory. think i should probably warn you that this contains a very sad ash. also not much dialogues. this is mainly for explanation and introduction, but very important for the story. if you find anything else that might be triggering, please let me know so i can add it here !!
author's note: oof okay. so. this is the prologue of a series very very dear to my heart that i've been working on for what it feels like my whole life but really it's been just a few months. but i'm in love with the story (which rarely happens with my own writing) so i hope you can enjoy it too !! this is also my very first time posting a fic since 2013 so pls keep that in mind <3 no i am not shaking as type this ofc not also: although i have the full story ready in my head, this is the only chapter that's written. i wanted to wait until i had at least a few ready before posting this but i'm too anxious for that lmao just saying this bc it will take a good while until i have any more chapters, so <3 (p.s.: i went over this thing a million times since may so if you find any errors pls look away, i'm not fixing this thing anymore. thanks <3)
another note: anna from the future here to say that i completely forgot about the playlist i made for the story lmao here it is in case you're interested k thanks bye <3
credits: title is from taylor swift's song right where you left me. model in the picture: paola locatelli. banner by me.
i also wanted to take a minute to thank some really nice friends that i've made here over these past few months & that i'm extremely grateful for @wastelandcth @suchalonelysunflower @littledrummerangie i cannot thank you babes enough for inspiring me the way that you do & for letting me yell about this to you && for encouraging me so much 🥺 i'll never be able to explain just how much this means to me, so i'll have to settle for saying thank you at any change that i can get <3 i love you all 💜 also gem my baby, thank you for the inspo with the banner 💚
@bluesdelis look babe i did it 😌 you know how grateful i am for you & for you letting me have a breakdown every week about my writing for the past 8 years so let's not dive into that or else i will write something bigger than this prologue jsjsjdjd love you 🖤
i hope you all have a good reading and a nice day ♡
let me know what are your thoughts about the fic ! ♡
word count: 4.1k
☆☆☆
Cold. That was the first thing that Olivia’s brain processed.
Still with her eyes closed, she buried herself more into the duvet, while her arm blindly reached for the furnace in human form that she calls boyfriend. However, as soon as her arm was only met with cold sheets, her eyes shot open.
Blinking the sleep away, she sat up on the bed, searching for the infamous red clock resting on Ashton’s bedside table that was supposed to look like a vintage alarm clock. Olivia had ordered it online at an auction website a couple of years back, as a gift for his 23rd birthday, since it was something he had mentioned multiple times prior that he was looking for, but still hadn't found. But when it finally came in (two weeks after the due date), it looked nothing like the picture she saw on the website. Feeling beyond frustrated, she wanted to send it back immediately and ask for a refund and maybe leave a not so polite review on the seller's page. But Ashton stopped her right away, laughing like the situation was absolutely hilarious to him, while saying, 'I like it, it’s quirky'. So, the clock stayed and found a home right next to him in their room.
Some days, however, she would wake up at some ungodly hour because of the blaring noise of the only ringtone the clock had. But whatever annoyance she could feel towards the object, it always vanished as soon as she felt Ashton's lips gently touching her face in a good morning kiss before he would get up to start his day, leaving her to catch some more hours of well deserved sleep.
As the furthest from a morning person as a touring musician could possibly be, Olivia had always feared that living under the same roof as Ashton would turn her into an early bird like him, but she's thankful that it never happened (not that he needs to know about that).
When she sees the red clock, she smiles at the sudden but welcome memories of them flooding her foggy brain, but frowns slightly when she realizes it reads 12:13 pm. Ashton rarely lets her sleep past 10 am.
Gathering all her strength and will, she rises up from the bed, smoothly picking up a grey wool sweatshirt from the chair (way too baggy on her slim body, but it smells like him), pulling it over her head and relishing on the soft material warming up her body. Making her way to the door and calmly going down the stairs, she can’t help but stop for a minute to admire the picture frames on their walls, one in particular catches her attention – probably one of the most prized pictures and memories they had. It felt older than it actually is, but it was around 4 years ago, she's sure – a little while after the two of them met. The picture was of their group of friends that still remains the same: Ashton and his best friend, Luke; Olivia, her best friend, Calum and their old hometown friend, turned into Calum’s new friend at college, turned into everyone’s friend, Michael; and her then newly band members, Suki, Eli and Ravi. Together, their group was the life of the party through all their college years, and it showed by the big smiles and drinks in hands they all had in the picture. It was a very special night, the first time Olivia’s little band played for the public – for a small audience sure, but it was a wonderful night nonetheless. What a long road it had been since that night.
Her nostalgic thoughts were interrupted by a shiver that went through her whole body, and it made her realize how oddly cold the whole house was, not only their bedroom. Which, granted, it was November in New York and the weather was just getting colder, but that’s exactly why Ashton always made sure to keep the house warm enough. As much as she loved the chilly season, the warm weather always reminded him of his hometown, and who was she to deny him that?
The smell of fresh made coffee could be sensed even before she reached the kitchen. Arriving there, the curly haired woman still found no signs of her boyfriend, so she went straight after the coffee maker pot sitting on the far left corner of the cream marble counter. Smiling softly at the tons of memories of Ashton's sleepy figure making their favorite beverage, she reached for a coffee mug on the cupboard on top of the counter and poured the remainder of the hot liquid on it (it's her favorite mug, if she must choose – it was a gift from a fan, and it had printed on it a collage of the pictures of her and Ashton that were posted on social media through their first year of relationship).
Moving to the glass doors that lead to the mini garden they cultivate, she didn't have to open them to spot the 6-feet-tall man sitting on a bench outside, looking oddly small in his oversized clothes, coffee mug tightly held between strong hands. Something about his figure made Olivia frown, however: he was staring with an unwavering look at her small but eye-catching pot of yellow daffodils that were almost as much of a pet to them as Stitch at this point. Sensing that there’s something definitely off about his semblance, she made a mental note to talk to him and find out what’s wrong later. So she goes back to the kitchen, knowing that he might need this quiet and private moment for himself.
She lost count of the minutes that went by (couldn't have been more than five) before she hears the garden's door opening and closing, and then his bare feet are dragging his brawny body to her. Except, he goes over to the sink, walking right through her, not showing any sign that he even saw her hunched figure over the counter table in the middle of the room.
Alright, someone's in a mood.
Olivia tries to swallow the annoyance already bubbling inside her – he knows how much she hates to be ignored, no matter how mad he might be – by trying to think of what she can say that won't piss him off. This is always a hard feat to accomplish when Ashton gets in these moods, but there’s a reason for them to work so well together.
“I missed my favorite body heater when I woke up,” she says in her best sweet voice, knowing how quickly his resolve crumbles when he hears that voice.
Still, no reaction.
That settles a worry at the pit of her stomach, because Ashton is never like this. Even when he's not in the mood to talk, he always gives some kind of reaction to her words; it doesn't matter how small, just enough to make her feel acknowledged.
When he's finished washing his mug and the few scattered dishes across the sink – she noticed that he already had lunch, if the lone plate in the drying rack is anything to go by –, he dries his hand in a towel, turns around and throws it on top of the same counter Olivia was leaning up against. Once again, he walks away not even sparing her a look.
Indignant, she leaves the now empty coffee mug on top of the table and follows him as he walks up the stairs, any determination to not aggravate his mood now well gone.
“Hey! In case you didn't notice, I'm right here. Whatever got you in this sour mood, I'm certainly not to blame, so can you stop being a child now and talk to me?!”
Ashton just keeps walking – more like sluggishly dragging his body – until he reaches their bedroom and suddenly stops just merely two feet inside the room, looking around with vacant eyes; like he was expecting to see something that wasn't there.
“Okay, that's really mature of you. Are you planning on ignoring me all day then?” Olivia questions exasperated, staring angrily at the back of his neck, where the condor tattoo lives – her favorite of his, but that sight doesn't bring her any peace today like it usually does.
Her glare only breaks when she hears the familiar sound of dog tags swaying on her right side. Shifting her gaze to the direction of the sound, Olivia notices Stitch, their small, black & white French bulldog – who she thought was outside in the garden – slowly trudging his way from around the bed until he stops at Ashton's feet, looking up at one of his humans with sad eyes. That realization only makes the worry in her stomach grow uncomfortably.
“Hi buddy,” Ashton's voice cracks a bit from the lack of use, but he smiles softly at the sweet dog, and crouches down to pet him.
Olivia can't help but gasp as she notices three things all at once that leave her overwhelmed: first, how she didn't even notice Stitch was in the room when she woke up – which never ever happens, in fact, most days he wakes her up whenever he deems her bedtime as finished and can't ever contain his excitement when she finally gets up; second, how the windows blinds are closed, which, again, rarely occurs under their roof, not if Ashton can help it. And third, how sad and melancholic the whole scene in front of her is – how sad and melancholic Ashton is. Pointless to say by now – that's also a very rare occasion.
A chill creeps up Olivia's spine, putting her body into high alert and also serving as a reminder of how everything looks out of place today. Trying to keep her head from spiraling down way too soon, she wraps her arms around herself and crouches down beside her two favorite boys, trying once more.
“Ash? Can you hear me?” even with her throat closing, she softly asks, purposefully putting her face in Ashton's point of view. Her only answer is the low whispers he's letting out to Stitch, while cradling the tiny dog in his arms, spreading gentle kisses on his head.
“I know, bud, I know. I miss her too,” is the only whisper she could understand and immediately wishes she hadn't. The weak wail that comes from Stitch's throat seems to fit perfectly with how the three of them feel.
Ashton then looks up and for a couple of seconds, and Olivia can swear he’s staring right into her eyes. But when he shows no reaction, she knows he’s just staring ahead and not at her, with that look that says there’s too much going on inside his head. She feels the urge to embrace him and get him to talk about whatever is on his mind, so they can share that weight like they always do, but when Ashton gets up from the ground and settles on the bed with Stitch, Olivia can physically feel the crack in her heart caused by the feeling she’s left with.
While Ashton is pulling the duvet over him and the dog, with clearly no intentions of getting up anytime soon, Olivia stands up on her feet with a new-found determination – she needs to figure out what the hell is going on.
This nightmare had to be just that, right? Nothing but a very vivid dream – she's had those before. Scary sure, but they always go away, and soon enough she's back into Ashton's arms, with Stitch jumping on the bed ready to lick their faces off. She just needs to wake herself up from whatever fucked up dream this is – right?
She's running down the stairs this time, frantically in search of something, of what exactly, she doesn’t know – but she knows she needs an answer. The more she looks for something, the more desperate she gets, not knowing what to look for. Then suddenly, something catches her eyes.
The white and blue calendar that's held up by magnets on the side of the fridge. She knows their calendar is red and yellow. They got it from their favorite flower market. Slowly, as if scared of what it might be there – “It's just a calendar, for fucks sake” – she approaches the damn thing. Upon inspection, she deems it as a normal calendar – she really doesn't know what she was expecting – until.
She knows what's wrong with it now.
It's November. She knows it, because the Asian and last leg of her first world tour is about to begin November 21st, eleven days from today. Right after Mike's birthday, she knows this.
Then why does the calendar say today is January 14th?
☆ ☆ ☆
Ashton woke up with a jolt. He quickly sat up, frightening the little Frenchie that was asleep right next to him on the bed. Trying to make sense of his surroundings, he roughly rubbed his face to get some sleep off of it and soon reached for the dog that was staring at him with sleepy but sad eyes. Ashton is sure Stitch understands far more than a dog is supposed to understand about their current situation.
The room is covered in shadows, almost pitch black, but he can see the sunlight even through the thick dark grey blinds covering up the windows. Ashton knows he won't be able to sleep again at that moment, so he gets up from the bed – much slower than he used to. His heartbeat is still out of control because of the nightmare that woke him up, but he can't bother to pay attention to it when Stitch is softly wailing beside him. Ashton lets out a ghost of a smile when the dog rests his head on his right upper thigh, looking up at him with an expression Ashton knows all too well.
“C'mon you little ravenous creature, let's feed you,” the bulldog excitedly jumps to the ground, already running his way down the stairs, not even waiting for Ashton to get up.
That gets a real smile out of him, but it vanishes as soon as he glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table. It reads 5:13 am, nothing out of the ordinary for him. But that small and inoffensive clock, with its red paint peeling off, holds a lot of memories for him. Memories that two months ago would bring joy to his heart, but now he almost wants to throw the object across the room.
It was a stupid thing, really. He had been wanting a vintage alarm clock and Olivia got one for his birthday. But the product they received was definitely not the one she bought, and if he's being honest, he didn't like it as much as he made out to. But seeing her so excited in the weeks before it arrived, and how disappointed she was when it did, he couldn't help but try his best to make her smile that luminous smile again. It's part of his nature by now.
That's also the reason why he lets her think that he doesn't notice when she wakes up at some ungodly hour (her words, not his) along with him, because of the annoying and only sound the alarm clock is able to produce. He always leaves soft kisses in every inch of bare skin he can find on her sleeping figure, so she goes back to the dream land and doesn't wake up before 10 am. No one wants to deal with that kind of bad humor, not even him.
As much as he likes being a morning person and absolutely enjoys her company in the mornings, he knows she'll take any and every extra hour of sleep she can get before starting the day. And that's why he loves that she's so stubborn that his early bird tendencies never got to her – he knows she feared that this would happen when they moved in together, but he met her like this, fell for her like this. He wouldn't change a single thing about her.
Ashton drags himself out of the bed, wincing slightly at how cold the wooden floors are under his bare feet. He doesn't bother putting some socks on, or a sweater – the cold weather in the house is uncharacteristically comforting to him. Nothing feels warm without her anyway.
While descending the stairs, he mentally curses himself for not being strong enough to look past the picture frames on the wall. One in particular catches his eyes – a picture from the night of Olivia's first concert with her band. The memories of that night are still painfully vivid in his mind: the laughter among their group that eventually infected everyone at the pub, Suki and Luke's first kiss and the silly smile that didn't leave his best friend's face all night, the standing ovation Olivia got after her three-songs set, and her captivating and breathtaking smile that made him realize right then and there, while watching her sway to the music, that he was definitely falling in love with her and there was nothing he could do to stop it – not that he wanted to.
So many memories held up on that wall, in the relatively short time since they met, that he can't help but wonder if that's all they'll get in this lifetime.
Ashton is abruptly taken out of his thoughts by Stitch's barks coming from the bottom of the stairs. He quickly jogs down the few steps left and goes straight after the dog's food in the kitchen's cabinet. After Stitch starts to happily devour his breakfast, Ashton goes to make his coffee, doing enough for two people like he always does, since Calum drops by most days for a chat or to drop Duke before going to work. Although all three of them know he just can't bother to make food for himself in the morning, while Ashton is the group's elected chef. Ashton always says he just needs a boyfriend – Olivia says Calum already has one who makes him breakfast every day.
He grabs an apple from the fridge and makes his way outside to their garden. Even though a lot of their memories took place there, the garden is the only space in the house where he doesn't feel like suffocating all the time. At least here, he can breathe some fresh air and look at the sky when he's feeling overwhelmed – which is basically all he's been doing for about a month now.
Yet, a lot of the garden has Olivia's name written all over.
He remembers vividly the day she came home after spending two weeks in LA doing some pocket shows, with a pack of daffodil seeds and the largest smile. She excitedly told him that a friend gifted it to her when she mentioned the little garden they were planning to build together at their new house. The friend told Olivia that daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, so as the good lover of symbolism that she is, Olivia loved the idea of having those flowers to symbolize their new beginning.
Ashton, on the other hand, wasn't a fan of the flowers at first – he just didn't see the appeal to them. But nonetheless, he indulged her, letting Olivia plant the seeds near the bench they used to sit during the quiet and unrushed afternoons, so they could admire the sunset, and she could happily look at the daffodils.
Pointless to say – the damn flowers grew on him.
Now, however, looking at them without Olivia and her contagious joy next to him, they were back to be as dull as they were before, if not more so.
Still lost inside his head without any sense of how much time went by since he sat down, Ashton doesn't hear the front door closing, and doesn't notice that he's no longer the only person inside the house until someone sits next to him on the bench. Yet, he doesn't show any sign of acknowledgement to them.
A few minutes go by before either of them speaks up.
“Luke said you didn't go to see her yesterday,” Calum starts softly, not wanting to disturb the calmness of the morning.
Ashton takes a few seconds to respond, “No point in doing that.” The black haired man licks his lips while thinking carefully about his next words.
“You know staying inside this house all day by yourself won't help either,” Calum turns his head to his left and takes a good look at Ashton's uncharacteristically hunched over figure, and immediately thinks that anyone can tell this man is not himself anymore. His second thought is that Olivia would hate seeing him like this.
“And what exactly do you expect me to do? Move on with my life like nothing happened? Like I'm not slowly and painfully losing the love of my life? Just because it’s easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for me.”
Calum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows Ashton doesn't mean it, it's the anger and frustration talking. He knows it. Doesn't make it sting any less.
“I'm not telling you to move on with your life, because that's far from what I'm doing, and I certainly don't expect you to do it. I'm just saying you need to occupy your mind or else–”
“I'll go insane? Think it's a bit too late for that,” Ashton interrupts with a bitter tone that doesn't belong to his usual chirpy voice.
“You know it's not,” Calum sighs and drinks the rest of his coffee, moving his body slightly, so he's facing the blonde man, “I got a job interview for you at that school you talked about so much last summer, the principal said you can go any day this week. I went ahead and sent her your resume as well as explained everything that she needs to know about Olivia, so you don't have to. You just gotta put on some decent clothes and show up.” he sees Ashton's face softening a little and takes it as a victory. A few beats go by and then, “Maybe take a shower too. That's gonna make you feel better.” Calum leans in closer to his friend's personal space and takes a sniff, causing Ashton to deflect from him slightly, but not to push him away – another small win.
“Definitely take a shower, you stink. When was the last time your hair saw shampoo?”
“Fuck off,” is Ashton's only reply to the younger man's inquest. But Calum can see a smile creeping up on the blonde's face, which brings out a smile of his own.
“I'll send you all the details later today,” he checks the hour on the watch on his wrist and gets up, “Just please, Ash, go. I can't lose you too.”
Calum gently lays a hand on Ashton's shoulder and squeezes a little. The man doesn't look up, but gives a curt nod to his friend, who's satisfied enough. Calum stops on the threshold of the garden glass doors to give some kisses to Stitch – who came to make Ashton company as soon as he finished his food –, and then he puts the coffee mug on the dishwater. And soon enough, he's on his way out of the door. But not before snatching a tangerine from the fridge.
Ashton is left by himself once again. As he hears the sound of the front door closing, he thinks that this might be his life from now on. Just him and Stitch, trying their hardest to make it through another miserable day without the love of their lives. While everyone else comes by just to make sure he's still breathing. Breathing, maybe, but alive?
Swallowing the tears, he looks up at the sky. It's a deep, beautiful mix of orange, pink and blue, but he knows that it won't last long and soon the rain will be pouring down. He thinks about how much Olivia loves the rain.
God, he needs to pull himself together. She would hate to see him like this. Maybe he should take Calum's offer after all, he really needs to occupy his mind.
Making a mental note to thank Calum later, and also to apologize for how rude he was to him this morning, Ashton slowly gets up from the bench to put his mug on the sink and makes his way to the living room, with the small dog loyally following his every step. He puts on some cartoon that for once doesn't remind him of her (she always lovingly made fun of him for still watching those) and cuddles with Stitch on the couch. He can take a shower later.
Not half an hour goes by, he falls asleep and has a good dream for a change. He dreams of the days he spent with Olivia in the Philippines last February, right before her first world tour started. Some of the most magical days of their lives – surrounded by delicious food, a whole new culture to learn about and the warmth of the sun. Infinite counted days full of love and passion, where they were the only people in the world.
Even his subconscious knows to hold on to that brief moment of happiness, because he might never live that again.
#anna writes#perhaps she does write after all#alright i'm gonna go hide somewhere now bye#ashton irwin fanfiction#ashton irwin fic#ashton 5sos#ashton irwin x oc#5sos fanfic#5sos fic#ashton irwin imagine#5 seconds of summer#5sos imagine#anna writes: rwylm
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(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5
This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.
Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k) - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas.
What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)
The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.
Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.
Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.
But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.
Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.
The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.
And now on to some other authors, I promise!
IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)
Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.
if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.
Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)
flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.
Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.
this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.
Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!
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TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 4 of 26
Title: Educated (2018)
Author: Tara Westover
Genre/Tags: Nonfiction, Creative Nonfiction, Memoir, Autobiography, First-Person
Rating: 8/10
Date Began: 1/21/2021
Date Finished: 1/28/2021
Tara Westover was born into an isolated, fundamentalist, conservative, anti-Government family in rural Idaho. She lived a life of neglect and abuse, never going to the doctor and never receiving a formal education, while being forced into unsafe and life threatening working conditions. When one of her older brothers became violently abusive, no one stopped him.
However, things began to change when Tara self-studied the ACT and scored high enough to be admitted to college. At age seventeen, she stepped into a classroom for the first time, and soon found just how little she knew about the world at large. Westover's Educated is a deep dive into her experiences growing up, her emotional struggles with an abusive family, and her road to recovery.
To admit uncertainty is to admit to weakness, to powerlessness, and to believe in yourself despite both. It is a frailty, but in this frailty there is a strength: the conviction to live in your own mind, not someone else’s. I have often wondered if the most powerful words I wrote that night came not from anger or rage, but from doubt: I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Not knowing for certain, but refusing to give way to those who claim certainty, was a privilege I had never allowed myself. My life was narrated for me by others. Their voices were forceful, emphatic, absolute. It had never occurred to me that my voice might be as strong as theirs.
Full review and content warning(s) under the cut.
Content warnings for the book: Graphic depictions of childhood neglect and domestic abuse. Graphic depictions of severe, traumatic injury. Derogatory use of racial slurs. Racism, misogyny, and antisemitism are discussed. Somewhat graphic animal death.
I don't have a lot of experience with nonfiction outside an academic setting, so writing a review about a nonfiction book, even one that's basically a story, is challenging for me. I've written and rewritten my Educated review a few times and none of them have felt right. So I'm going to keep things as short and simple as I can.
I've got complicated feelings about memoirs. Autobiographical works can be fascinating to read! But since I don't care about the personal lives of celebrities or politicians, most of the genre is dead to me. Memoirs like Educated are much more interesting; stories about ordinary people living through extraordinary circumstances. But there have been enough bad actors with this type of book (like Three Cups of Tea or A Million Little Pieces) that I'm always a little skeptical. So I approached Educated with a cautious yet open mind.
Educated is a thought-provoking memoir for a number of reasons, as it explores both the dynamics of familial abuse and the importance of receiving an education. Westover clearly experienced profound trauma as a kid. Apart from multiple disturbing injuries, she also suffered physical and emotional abuse, medical neglect, and a total lack of typical social and academic education, all of which hindered her ability to function as a normal adult. Despite this, she's managed to accomplish a lot, especially in terms of formal education, which her memoir details.
However, I think most official descriptions for the book do it a disservice. Yes, Westover was born to survivalist parents, and yes, she did not enter a classroom until seventeen. On a surface level the book is about her journey through education. But as Westover states, most of that education was social and emotional. A lot of the book actually focuses on her relationship with her family, and coming to terms with the abuse and residual emotional damage from her childhood.
As a survivor, I really identified with Westover's difficult journey with the abuse she suffered. While my own story is not as extreme, I was also abused as a child by family members. My father witnessed it happen and refused to intervene, gaslighting me and my mother + sister the entire time. There is so much irrationality and manipulation in a situation like that, and reading about her parents' denial that her brother Shawn was ever abusive struck very close to home. Like Westover, it took me a long time-- well into adulthood-- to finally establish boundaries and cut my father out of my life. Her emotional struggle and recovery are especially poignant to someone who knows on some level what it's like.
The academic portion of the book is also interesting. Westover's shock, frustration, and sometimes ostracization for not knowing certain things is just fascinating. It floored me that she had no knowledge of the Holocaust or Civil Rights Movement until college. While I have plenty of criticism for the US education system, it's better than starting with absolutely nothing. Educated made me realize just how much of my accessibility to formal education I've taken for granted.
I admit I actually finished the book a little skeptical, because there were some details that seemed weird or not adequately explained. Memoirs and other works of creative nonfiction inhabit a gray area in terms of truth. On one hand, they have to be entertaining to read about. But on the other, reality isn't always entertaining-- so embellishment does happen. One also has to consider how unreliable human memory can be, which blurs the line between fact and fiction further.
On previous versions of this review I obsessed over financials, or how people recovered from injuries, and so on. Honestly, though, I'm not sure how much the small details matter in a story like this. Westover acknowledges several times where she remembers things differently than others. Memory, and how it changes with time and context, is a central theme of the book. I'll never know Westover's full story because I'm not her.
But even if only half her story is 100% factually true-- and I think it’s way more than that-- it's still super interesting and discusses some very important topics. Westover comes off as genuine, and she describes her struggles in a very believable way, often going into detail that I'm not sure someone would even think to make up. I think it's nice she doesn't use her achievements as a form of self-aggrandizement. And while Westover accomplished some amazing things considering her background, the book also doesn't come off as a preachy bootstraps narrative. Maybe in five years there will be a huge scandal over this book, but as of now I'm willing to believe it for the most part.
Educated gets an 8 because while I found it fascinating, it wasn't a life changing piece of work to me. A lot of people feel more strongly about it. Nonfiction also doesn't scratch the same itch for me as, say, really good spec fic. But I'm glad I read it, and I think it's a good thing to read outside one's comfort zone sometimes.
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Unit 6: Making it Real
When we say realism, we mean capturing both the voice of the canon characters while providing an OC who realistically fits into the narrative. This can be one of the hardest things to grasp as a writer, and a fanfiction writer on top of that because the cards are inherently against you. While your OC is your own character and can have whatever voice you want it to, the canon characters (cast) are voices you have to mimic. They are not and will never be your own voice, just an imitation of someone else’s voice. Some of the best fanfictions capture the voice of the cast extremely well which is why their fanfictions work. Because we as readers see how they have interpreted the cast and find it believable. There are many tips and tricks we as writers can use to mimic the voices of characters. To start, we are going to discuss some of the easiest mistakes and how to correct them.
Just because a piece is a fanfiction doesn’t mean you can come up with ridiculous plot lines and reduce the cast to one-note personalities. It is very easy to rely on the most blatant part of a character’s personality to carry over their impression, but it isn’t enough to make realistic fanfic. In Harry Potter fanfiction, for example, Hermione Granger is often reduced to a clenched butthole who never stops screaming about homework. Hermione the canon character is a muggle-born witch who sees magic as an opportunity and wants to be the best she can possibly be, as well as a character who staunchly opposes injustice. She will not ignore injustice for the sake of academics, which is how organizations such as SPEW and Dumbledore’s Army were created. As a writer, it helps to flip back through Harry Potter and make notes for yourself on the themes of each character’s personality and flaws. For Hermione, instead of focusing on the academic, the writer needs to remember the bravery and the pursuit of injustice. They also need to remember how stubborn she is and how much she hates to lose or be proven wrong (See Harry beating Hermione in potions in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince). If you’re including characters like Hermione in your fanfiction, it requires some research, and having a cheat sheet will be helpful in developing a more realistic voice.
Some issues in realism also come from the writer having way more voices than what they know what to do with. This means that maybe you had one OC, but that OC interacts with a large group like One Direction or The Avengers. There’s an easy solution: Your OC does not need to interact and be best friends with every single character. That itself is unrealistic. Take your own friend group for example. There are some members of that group you text every day, there are some you only see at events, some you only see on weekends, and some who are around all the time. It is perfectly ok if you as a writer are uncomfortable, to have some characters back up and take on a lesser role at the start of a fic. As you grow more confident with larger groups, you’ll still have the option to reintroduce them, or you can even have a specific arc in the story with your OC and those background characters. What the Editor and I see all too often is groups being forced to stick together as a group. What happens then is that the watered-down personalities infect all the characters as a whole and decrease the value of the fic overall. Take One Direction for example. In these fics, because it’s so important for the group to stick together as a group, Louis’s personality is reduced to screaming about carrots. Liam screams about spoons. Zayn does it with mirrors, and Harry, his hair. Not only are these boys reduced to the bare bones of personality, but all the writer has also done is taken the most ridiculous parts of their personalities and made it represent their entire beings. It’s not realistic. What you can do as a writer is send them off to other places or keep them in the background. You have no clue how to write for Zayn? He’s gonna be on his iPad for this scene watching a movie. You don’t know what Louis would do during this part? He’s gone to the store or gone for a walk. The characters don’t have to be together all the time. The same is true for Avengers fanfiction, and I’d argue that it’s easier to do this for Avengers because you can be more creative with the excuses. Clint’s at the farm. Natasha and Steve are on a mission. Tony got dragged to some event with Pepper. Bruce is in his room- he asked to not be disturbed. There is no rule that says a group has to stay together at all times, and if you’re uncomfortable you can find ways for those characters to leave, or put them somewhere in the background where they won’t interrupt the scene.
Let’s talk briefly about love interests. The notes for the romance chapter are already horribly long, as the Editor and I have been discussing all the common mistakes and errors we see in romance fictions, but we’re saving that for after Exam 2 since I already have to apply a curve to Exam 1 for everyone who didn’t study. I digress. Love-interests can get just as bogged down as regular members of the cast. We’ve previously discussed how characters wouldn’t drop their entire personality the minute their love interest appears. That still stands because it isn’t realistic. Another thing that isn’t realistic, is amplifying a rival’s personality to make your pairing better by comparison. I see you people, and making a character or member of the cast more obnoxious or annoying so your pairing looks better is unrealistic and needs to come to an end. For example, say you’re writing a The Vampire Diaries fanfiction and your OC is madly in love with Damon. Fine, whatever, I don’t care. What I do care about is you the writer making Elena more obnoxious or more of a bitch to force your Damon/OC pairing. That’s not kosher. In the real world, relationships can fall apart and come together for reasons other than this person is suddenly super annoying and controlling and I don’t know why but oh look this new girl I’ve never seen is totally nice and super chill. Relationships are a partnership, and as a shortlist, they can fall apart because of: differing levels of commitment, they’re no longer on the same page, they’re afraid of being alone (yes relationships can fall apart because of this), someone compares their relationship to everyone else’s, someone tries to rely on their body language as a form of communication and as such, they don’t communicate, someone sees their partner as inferior, and so on and so forth. Another helpful way to naturally push a breakup is that in many couples who have been together for a long time, what originally were quirks and cute becoming obnoxious flaws that are too much effort to deal with. An example of this can be found in Neil Hilborn’s spoken-word poem OCD, where he describes how his ex fell out of love with him because his tics that were at first fun and cute became annoying and too much to handle. It’s sad, but it is more realistic for two people or two characters to break up over these reasons than one character waking up and turning into a complete nuisance. We will cover more of this in the Romance Unit.
We sometimes find an error in the Meet Cutes or the way in which the OCs first meet and interact with the cast. These can range from they came to the coffee shop I worked at to they saved me from xyz villains. However, if this story is taking place in the real world we’d appreciate a spoonful of realism. If a character is planning a trip abroad, they would not get to the airport 10 minutes before the flight leaves. That is a fun way to suddenly not have a trip abroad. It doesn’t build tension for the audience when things like this occur, it just sets up unrealistic circumstances and makes the entire scene less believable. The same is true for say, One Direction fanfics where the fan somehow miraculously sneaks backstage and meets the band. That wouldn’t happen in real life. I understand it’s hard to figure out how two characters can get into the same room, but you have other options. Going back to One Direction, a teenage girl becoming the personal assistant for five teenage boys is very unrealistic. I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t write those kinds of fanfiction. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t write One Direction fanfiction though! You just need something more realistic. You could have:
The daughter of an executive producer or choreographer or stylist for the boys who have to bring their parents something they’ve forgotten.
The store manager at a shopping mall who lets the boys sneak out the back of the store when they’re running from paparazzi.
They could be a musician who is trying to get signed to the same label as the band.
So long as your fanfiction is realistic fiction, I want you to lean heavily on realism. This does not apply just to One Direction fanfic. Every universe has a set of stakes and standards. We covered this in Chapter One. What we need to do now in realism is to apply those standards and make sure that when two characters meet, it feels natural. It feels like something that could happen and not something that was forced to happen.
Speaking of forced to happen, let’s delve into character flaws. We talked about in Unit 5 how some writers appear uncomfortable with seeing their characters struggle. What some authors fail to realize is a tougher uphill climb makes the view so much more worth it. Seeing your characters struggle is a fact of life: not everything comes naturally to you, so why would it to your characters? When I was first trying to force myself to give my character flaws I would scour lists online for “common character flaws.” There is an easier solution. Your character’s flaws can mirror the positive attributes of a character. For example, If your character is very loyal, they may be headstrong and unwilling to hear or believe criticism of the person or thing they are loyal towards. You can think of that in terms of a devoutly religious person who won’t hear criticism of their beliefs, or of a loyal friend who won’t believe the person they know did something wrong. A character who is very giving may not take time for themselves or would let themselves go without before seeing their friends suffer. A character who is romantic and loves to try and woo their significant other may be jealous when they can’t spend time with that person or may be needy, and struggle with being alone. As an easy trick, try and view your character’s positive attributes through a negative lens and see what flaws you can pull out, so like me, you can stop scrolling the lists online just to say your character bites their nails or smokes.
The best example of flaws and consequences of those flaws is Percy Jackson. Riordan makes a point for the heroes to have “fatal flaws” with Annabeth’s being pride and Percy’s being loyalty. You see consequences for these flaws throughout the book, and you see bad things happen to the characters because of their pride or loyalty. Annabeth wouldn’t have gone after the spider alone if it weren’t for her pride. She wouldn’t have tried to hear and survive the siren’s song. She makes mistakes and falls down and even lands in Tartarus because of her pride, which makes her a more realistic character. The same is true for Percy, whose loyalty to his friends and those he loves forces him to act recklessly and to even defy the gods in the name of those he cares about. You can see it in Nic DiAngelo as well because his grudge against the demigods is what kept him out of the books for so long. Until such a time where Bianca could tell him to get over it and forgive. Flaws are important to have and vital to character development, but we should also see consequences for these flaws otherwise we won’t know they’re there. Remember, we as readers can only infer from what you give us, and we’re not doing character bios anymore. So if you want your character to have flaws, the only way we can see that is by consequence of their actions. It’s okay for your characters to fail from time to time. It makes the victories better by comparison.
In the same vein of character flaws, let’s finally talk about Mary Sues. A Mary Sue is a character who can accomplish any task no matter how difficult with little effort and is adored by all. Depending on the story, we can see this play out in different ways. Often, we see authors try to disguise the character’s Mary Sue-ness by giving her some random flaw to prove she’s not perfect; however, that flaw doesn’t seem to impact her life in any way at all. For example, in Avengers fanfics, our Mary Sue has some vaguely defined powers that allow her to do absolutely everything imaginable but may have a flaw that was added as an afterthought like being bad at math. This flaw may later be ignored as in another chapter she could/would solve a physics problem that stumped Tony Stark. Her flaw had no impact on her ability to be better than everyone around her, and this makes her a Mary Sue. As a side note, when you give your characters superpowers, the character should have a consequence or rule for using those powers. The book Magic or Madness starred a family of witches, who had to use their powers because they would go insane without them. However, using those powers cost them years off their lifespans. In Mary Sues, we see characters who make themselves the plot, instead of joining or coming along for a storyline that they participate in. We see this happen a lot in Victorious with Tori Vega. Anytime something, all of the characters turn to her to magically swoop in and save the day. For example, in the Great Ping Pong Scam episode (season 1, episode 11), Robbie ordered way too much caviar and now they’re unable to pay their bill. Don’t worry though, Tori has this shit handled. We see her borrow Jade’s dress and sing her way out of that situation. There was absolutely no reason for that to happen; we know Jade is a talented singer, she could have easily done that herself. Make it mean something, and make there be consequences for these characters.
Another common trait of Mary Sues is a tragic backstory. The character might have lost their family, may have been abused, may have been homeless, had depression, been suicidal, or even all of the above. It’s not a bad thing to have a character with a tragic backstory. What makes that character a Mary Sue is when that backstory does not impact who they are as a person. The backstory is there for the audience to sympathize with the character, not as an internal conflict of the character herself, and more often than not the tragic backstory manifests itself in being closed off and, “refusing to trust people,” while still having a large group of friends like the Avengers or the cast of Harry Potter or the Heroes of Olympus. There are consequences for actions. Things people do and say can have lasting effects and carry on with someone for the rest of their lives. It can manifest in rational fears, and irrational fears and a character may have both healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. If you write in a terrible instance that has occurred for your character, you need there to be consequences for the actions of both that character and those who hurt them. A good example is in Bill Willingham’s Fables: Legends in Exile in the characters Snow White and her sister Rose Red. The short and long of it is that Snow White was rescued by the prince, and abandoned her sister. Rose Red was eventually sent for, but only after a great deal of time had passed. This made her feel unwanted, and as revenge on her sister, she slept with Prince Charming and destroyed their marriage. Beyond that, years later, Rose Red still struggles with inadequacy compared to Snow White and still resents her for abandoning her. She can’t keep a stable relationship and feels she isn’t good enough for any of her potential love interests. Rose Red is a great example of a character still feeling the aftershocks of a traumatic event. She was abandoned, and she grew bitter, and she got the revenge she wanted but it still wasn’t satisfying and did more harm than good to her in the long run. To avoid Mary Sues, you need to make your characters have flaws, make them have secrets (beyond their superpowers that inevitably get revealed later in the story), make them have selfish moments, make them afraid, and make sure that if they experienced tragedy and heartbreak that it is something they’ve never forgotten.
The next few notes are not specific to one genre or fandom but are aspects of realism that need to be addressed. First and foremost, it is biologically impossible for boy-girl twins to be identical. This is because when two haploid cells make a diploid zygote, which is how babies are made. Identical twins are always the same sex because they come from the same egg, and all the DNA is copied twice, making them completely identical. Because they are completely identical, they are the same sex. Fraternal twins, which are also more common than identical twins by a longshot, are made when two individual eggs are fertilized at the exact same time. They then grow together in the uterus and make babies who don’t look exactly alike. All boy-girl twins are fraternal because it is biologically impossible for them to be identical since they can’t have a difference in chromosomes while still coming from the same egg. The biology major in me is really coming through in this paragraph, and I apologize for that, but what we’re trying to say is that you can’t have a set of twins that are boy-girl twins and describe them as looking exactly alike. That is unrealistic. Fraternal twins are way more common, and more realistic than identical twins. Give them a shot.
Song lyrics written out in their entirety are a very quick way to ruin the immersion and take your reader out of the story. Having a character sing to another character, very often it is in an unrealistic set of circumstances, and it comes across as cringy and extra instead of emotional. This is more abstract in terms of what is okay and what isn’t and it does go on a case-by-case basis. The good rule of thumb is if you the author have seen this happen in real life or it is something that can actually happen in real life, go ahead. But don’t put the lyrics of the song. Instead, while the character is singing describe how the character they are singing to is reacting. Romanticize the shit out of their surroundings, and make something that’s charming and sweet, instead of cringy. If you need help, our examples of good scenes that involve singing are:
Two people in love singing badly while they dance drunk around the kitchen.
A little boy or girl sharing their favorite song with a stranger to show the innocence of children.
Sports fans singing during a match or a game
The dying rebellion singing their battle cry only after loads have died as a means to try and reignite their hope.
The happy and alive rebellion singing at the top of their lungs because they’re young rebels with a cause and no one has died yet.
The old homeless man getting a guitar for the first time in 2 years and singing a cover of Creep that breaks your heart a la the Youtube video that will be linked below.
Nightmare musical numbers
Songs sung by two voices in two different time periods a la Bojack Horseman’s I Will Always Think of You
Sad reprises
If it can happen in real life, go for it. But don’t tell me what the lyrics are. If you’re worried the readers won’t get it, put a link to the song at the very end of the chapter. Or, if music is a big part of your character, make a soundtrack and put it at the end of the story. A memoir I read recently, Rustbelt Femme, the author Raechel put her mixtape at the end of her book because the music was such a big part of how she came into her own identity and discovered her sexuality. This was something she wanted to share with her audience so in the book itself she would mention the bands or songs in passing, and at the end of the book, she put them in a list for people to listen to on their own. I can understand wanting readers to grasp the importance of the scene, but let them explore that in their own time. Don’t force it down their throats by putting song lyrics in the middle of a story.
Next week we’re talking about crossovers. I am very excited, as I love a good crossover fanfiction. We’ll discuss how to make crossovers work, how some don’t work and why, and tie it back to both characterization and the Rules for the Universe. Xoxo, gossip girl.
Additional Reading (Listening):
youtube
Neil Hilborn’s OCD
youtube
Homeless Man Singing Creep by Radiohead.
#ff101#fanfiction#fanfiction101#writing#OC#realism#fandom#Harry Potter#DC#Marvel#Victorious#Addams Family#Rose Red#Supernatural#Twilight#Sherlock#Original Works#Percy Jackson#percy jackon and the olympians#Avengers#self-insert
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DVD commentary meme! Whatever part of Family Before Honor you'd like to talk about, please!!
Alrighty, since there isn’t much of it posted and chapter two isn’t very long to start with, I’ll just do that then. Author’s commentary on chapter two of “Family Before Honor” beneath the cut:
Two Months
Domestic: 1) of or relating to the home, the household, household affairs, or the family. 2) no longer wild; tame.
I suppose the first thing to note is the pattern of the chapters and summaries—each chapter, and there’s only going to be three, is titled based on how long it’s been in the fic since Cut’s death and each summary is the theme on which the chapter is built. “Two Months” is more meant to bridge the gap between “Two Hours” and “Two Years” and is based around Rex making the transition from military life to civilian life. Settling into a rhythm with Suu and the kids that works for everyone.
Rebuilding the La’Cuane farm is an undertaking both larger and smaller than Rex had first estimated.
Ah, yes, “La’Cuane”. Because fuck Dave Filoni. Before I watched The Deserter, I was under the impression that Lawquane was most likely pronounced more like “lah-kayn” but, as is my custom, when I learned the “official” version I said “nah, fuck that” and came up with my own. So, “Lawquane” is a mistranslation as so many Basic Twi’lek names are. Because fuck you, Dave.
The first few days are an unending game of hurry-up-and-wait: for Republic forces to finish routing the Seps, for Jesse and the boys to come back to retrieve him when he didn’t answer their comms, for Suu to sniffle and stutter her way through the story they’d cooked up to explain his ‘death.’
I just don’t like “Seppies”, okay? I just don’t. “Covies” I’ll accept from Halo, because Marines, but “Seppies”, “tinnies”, and “shinies”? Mmm, how ‘bout the fuck not?
Then waiting for various scans of the remains to come up positive for Fett’s genetic material, for ‘his’ chip to come up too damaged to ping as more than simply present, for Kenobi—well, it turns out that Kenobi had a softer heart than Rex had ever thought. From what Rex spies, he looks damn near devastated for a few heartbeats after Suu tells him the news.
Departing from @norcumii’s version, “Dead Men Tell No Tales”, I decided that it’s too early in the war for Rex and Obi-Wan to have actually started a romantic relationship and kept it as more of a “what if” kind of thing for them to regret. More pining, that way ;)
Then the children march up to him and Jesse, carrying Rex’s armor in their undersized little arms, and Jek loudly proclaims that they want to keep Rex’s bucket. “He was like a, a superhero,” Jek says earnestly, and next to him Shaeeah nods vigorously. “He was so brave and he saved us from the monsters and we’ll take really good care of it.”
Listen, the La’Cuane kids are just insanely cute, okay? And according to Legends (I think?) they were aware enough that they had several million uncles out there in the universe that Shaeeah wrote a book about it, so they absolutely grew up with stars in their eyes about their extended family.
Suu makes a little scene of chastising them, calling it disrespectful, saying that his brothers should have his helmet, it was only right. Rex is dazed by the layers of manipulation they all go to just for him to keep his face; he’s even more dazed by how well it works.
Kenobi clearly melts at the display but looks to Jesse, Kix, and Hardcase for the final decision. Rex can read the silent conversation between them as clear as day. When Jesse crouches down to gaze intently into the visor of Rex’s helmet, he knows the children have won.
“I think that’s a good idea,” Jesse says decisively, and it’s settled. Quieter, he adds, “I think he’d like that…”
If Rex wasn’t so traumatized right now, he’d be absolutely indignant that Jess just blatantly lied like that. How dare you slander the good name of Captain Rex, good Lieutenant, by implying this small child whom he only knew for a few hours and “died” to protect should keep his face when Kenobi is standing over there trying not to cry. Come say that to his helmet, coward!
Rex doesn’t think about where Cut’s bucket had ended up.
I like throwing out lines that if you think about them for longer than it takes to read them then they might become incredibly depressing. What did happen to his helmet? What happened to his armor?
Jek clutches the helmet to his chest in victory and Shaeeah smiles sweetly and Suu has this fond, exasperated look on her face that Rex assumes comes standard with being eyn buir. The children magnanimously offer the rest of his armor to the men, stacked as neatly as they could manage. Rex stares as Kenobi helps pack it away with the supplies for safekeeping, subtly pocketing his left vambrace as he does.
I’m gonna be honest, at this point canon and fanon have merged so much for me that I don’t even know what’s true and what’s not. Just go with it.
Rex doesn’t think about maybes and what-ifs.
Then Kenobi turns back to Suu and his gaze goes past her to the ruined farmhouse and Rex gets the feeling that Kenobi’s about to do one of those terribly un-Jedi-like things he had never, ever admitted to sometimes doing. He pulls out a credit chip and Rex knows.
He has to turn away from the scene and take careful breaths. Kenobi wasn’t perfect—Cody has spent hours venting to Rex and Wolffe and whoever else managed to meet up at once about his hypocritical, sanctimonious Jedi—but just like Skywalker, just like Tano, just like Windu and Yoda and Secura and every other Jedi, he had his moments of breath-stealing goodness.
Listen, I love some Jedi characters to death, but I have—had, now that Tumblr filters out posts with words like “fuck” and “wank” in the tags when you search for them and pretends they don’t exist—a #fuck the jedi order tag for a reason. The narrative tends to frame both the Jedi Order and most Jedi characters as Righteous and Good, while also having them commit pretty heinous acts and tossing the audience horrific implications/pieces of information at the same time. I’ve said it somewhere before, but The Clone Wars wants to have its “deep, edgy, grimdark exploration of war” and eat its “fun, wacky space adventures” too and while we’ve all noticed the tonal whiplash that the show gives us, it plays hell with the narrative itself. Unspeakably bad shit happens in one arc, and nobody ever mentions it again. The Jedi control a slave army, and that’s Bad, but we’re told that they care about their troops and want to help them Later, which cancels out the Bad and keeps them Good Guys. In universe, it absolutely doesn’t work. We all know the Jedi pull some fuckshit every two weeks, so you bet your ass the clones know it too and routinely get sauced and rant about it to each other where no one can hear them. But they also can be extremely helpful and empathetic between three to five every other Thursday. Sorry, just mentioning #fuck the jedi order sends me off into a rant and I actually deleted a lot of other stuff from this part because Not Important.
Rex should’ve known his last act as a captain, and his first act as a free man, would be finally witnessing one of those moments.
And then Kenobi is gone, his brothers are gone, and the work begins.
- - -
It’s slow-going, and at times back-breaking, and it quickly becomes apparent that the nerve-damage Kix had warned about has set in good and proper. After the children have gone to bed, Rex and Suu go outside to have a rousing argument about what to do—the first of many on the horizon.
I know, I know, it’s common wisdom that disagreeing with your partner are normal but knockdown drag-out arguments Are Not and while I absolutely understand that, I come from a family with an absurdly large number of siblings that subscribe to the Taika Waititi School of Siblings and therefore it’s perfectly reasonable to shout yourself hoarse about some nonsense or other and get mad and stomp off and then two hours later throw a pillow at the other person’s head and say “hey dickhead come look at this funny post what’s for dinner later”. And as such that’s how every sibling relationship I ever write will function because I genuinely don’t understand siblings who don’t drag each other at every opportunity and then pop up around a corner like an awful gremlin to scare them at 2:30 in the morning just to fuck with them.
Suu demands they use part of Kenobi’s credits to pay for surgery to remove and replace the dead arm; Rex counters that he can function with only one arm, but none of them can function without a roof over their heads and walls to shield them from the elements. Suu says that they will contact a doctor she knows on the other side of the planet tomorrow and that’s final; Rex blinks, says understood, sir, and stands down.
The next morning, between frying eggs and waking the little ones, Suu apologizes for 'pulling rank’ on him. Rex can tell the words sit strangely in her civilian mouth. He accepts her apology and says nothing about how he hadn’t even noticed his own automatic reaction to her tone the night before, but. That was exactly how he’d reacted, wasn’t it?
When next they argue, about him ‘overdoing it’ and ‘exerting himself too much’, he’s ready for the gut-punching Commanding Officer Voice and shouts back when it’s his turn to talk. It works for them.
Listen, I don’t know about you, but when I hear certain tones of voice I automatically respond in certain ways. Like the vocal version of being full-named.
- - -
“White is death,” Rex explains once the final layer of base paint has settled on the plastoid. He runs his hand firmly down the prosthesis in its finalized form, from the ball of the synthetic shoulder to the tips of each finger. It’s as much to test that the molecules of paint bind properly as it is to get himself used to the difference. “White is the bones of those long gone. White is the snow that covers the fields in winter. It… stifles, and kills, but it’s also. Possibility, I suppose. White armor is shiny and new, but that just means it has yet to prove itself. You never know what you’re gonna get when you scratch beneath the surface.”
I had a lot more of @izzyovercoffee’s Mandalorian color theory stuff that I ended up cutting just because it didn’t really fit, but you should check them out because they’re suuuuuuper interesting. I love cultural worldbuiding shit like that.
Hanging on his every word, Jek and Shaeeah nod breathlessly. They watch as he picks up a foam brush and dips it into a small pot of 501st blue. He sets it to the very top of the arm and brings it down in a smooth, careful, practiced motion.
“Blue is reliability,” he continues. The unbroken line he draws down to the wrist is thinner than it was on his armor, but copying his armor isn’t the point; the point is to create something new out of its loss. “It’s faithfulness, and consistency. It’s the sky—the very air—and you can always in trust that.”
Listen, if you want subtlety, go read deadcat’s stuff. If you want to get bashed over the head with this shit, you’ve come to the right place.
Lastly, he picks up a fine detail brush and dips it into a second pot.
“This one is different,” he says eventually, gauging his little cadets’ avid expressions. “You use red to honor a parent and the word for ‘red’ in Mando’a is ge’tal—literally, ‘almost blood.’ It’s a complicated word, because to Mando’ade, your family isn’t always going to have the same blood as you. It might not be red at all—it might be green, or blue, or something else entirely. But with family, you’re always ready to spill others’ or your own in order to protect them; it’s about honor… and love.”
“Mom,” Shaeeah deduces, her voice quiet as a mouse as they all gaze at the sharp, cutting magenta that coats the brush.
Rex nods.
“Just so.” He twirls the brush around and offers it to them. “Now, what should we do with it?”
Listen, it’s very important to me that we cut that toxic masculinity shit out of Star Wars, stop linking pink to femininity, more important stop linking femininity to weakness, and ultimately I want to see more clones wearing pink. Pink flowers and curlicues mixed in with 501st blue on Rex’s sick robot arm? Sign me the fuck up.
—
Aaaaand that’s the Author’s Commentary on Chapter Two of Family Before Dishonor, hope you enjoyed!
#ask meme#dvd commentary meme#answered asks#by apples#norcumii#family before honor#star wars#the clone wars#captain rex#suu lawquane#sw fic
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Recent Great Naruto Fics I’ve Read List
Seeing as the actual series now suck... here’s a list of the fics/one shots I’ve recently read (past year) that you might enjoy, have fun xx
Warning: List contains all kinds of pairings. Some stories have no pairings at all (those are labelled as General).
Directions: story name - author - summary - status - pairing/gen - rating
Pulling My Weight by Invisible Shadow - During the mission to Wave, Sakura realises that she has to become a better ninja for her teammates' sake and be someone they can depend on. She vows to take her training seriously, and receives help from the most unlikely of sources; Genma Shiranui. The two form an unlikely bond and stick together through thick and thin, while Sakura improves and meets other people along the way. Ongoing | General so far | T | This story is fucking amazing
A Wrinkle in Time by rightforlife - The Fourth Shinobi War ended in disaster. They won, but at a price too great to bear. Given a second chance, what exactly can Konoha's three most powerful men do? Time travel, old enemies, and old friends that all leads to a new future. Ongoing | General | T
The Colder Water by Quillslinger - The devil is in the details. Shisui. Itachi. A sorta love story. Novella. Complete (52,784) | ShiIta | T
Uneasy Coexistence by DeGlace - One grinning shark–man. One pink–haired medic. Ankles. Teeth. Kisame x Sakura. Yes, you read that right. Complete (70,111) | KisaSaku | M
Blind Stars of Fortune by 100demons - Thirty year old Kakashi was supposed to have been killed by Pein during the Invasion. Instead, he wakes up in the body of his twenty year old self. (It gets a lot more complicated.) Time travel. Complete (78,591) | General | T
To Promise Forever by Hellsig Otoupeim - The war's over, Kaguya has been defeated and the five great Shinobi Nations have gone back to their homelands to nurse the wounds left behind. In an attempt to preserve peace, the five Kage have agreed to implement in a new measure; war veterans between villages are encouraged to take part in the Five Nation Letter Exchange Program. Or how a girl from Kiri ends up in Konoha. Sly AU. Complete (14,442) | ShikakuOC | M
Heart Under a Blade by fineillsignup - Sitting on a bench after being told by Sasuke-kun that she's annoying, Sakura thinks that it's the worst day of her life. Lying in the hospital wanting to hurl from heat suppressants later that day and grappling with the revelation that she's an omega, Sakura knows that it's the worst day of her life. (ABO, extremely slow build). Ongoing | KakaSaku | M
Phantom Pains by mapplepie - There is something going on with Kakashi, but Minato can't figure out what. All he has are distressing deductions, each one progressively worse than the last. It's no wonder Minato can't help but fear and fear and fear. (To be fair though, it really wasn't his fault he never considered the possibility of time-travel). Complete (22,153) | General | T
A Twist in Time by Wolf08 - With Konoha on the verge of destruction, Sakura is sent on a last-resort mission to save her world by travelling to the past. Join her in coping with her old body's shortcomings, testing the natural laws of time, falling in love all over again, exploring the depths of her mind and rediscovering who she is. Time-travel. Ongoing | SasuSaku | T | I don’t even like SS anymore (I almost hate them) but this is my favourite fic ever.
Deadly Decisions by Alrissa - Haruno Sakura that actually caught a glimpse of the real world and woke up to smell the blood. Basically a 'what if' preview of what could have happened if Sakura didn't revert after the Chuunin exams. No princess to be rescued here. Complete (17,819) | General | M
Contagious by rabid behemoth - Konoha's citizens are being controlled by a virus, and it falls on Sakura's shoulders to save them. A double agent among the most hostile, unrepentant criminals in the world, she finds herself navigating between competing loyalties in a sea of moral uncertainty. But that's impossible for a faithful Leaf nin like Sakura. Loyalties aren't contagious...right? Complete (119,552) | ItaSaku | T
The Lives Worth Saving by cywsaphyre - Naruto, at 26, has lived through 10 years of war. At the end, with nothing left to call home, he sends himself back to the beginning, to the day of his younger self's graduation, in an attempt to change it all. Time travel AU. Discontinued | General | T | best time travel fic I’ve ever read
Kill Your Heroes by Evil Is A Relative Term - Because, sometimes, we are what our adversaries make of us. Because Gatō only needed Zabuza to neutralize Kakashi. He isn't afraid of one little pink-haired genin. But even mice will bite when cornered. A story of where fear drives the most vulnerable member of Team Seven, from Wave and beyond. Ongoing | General | T
I Found You Missing by Wolfy Tales - 'They're asking us because these soldiers have absolutely no one left to write home to,' Sakura thought with a frown. So she signs up for the Shinobi Letter Exchange, not realizing how large the consequences would be. Complete (18,586) | KakaSaku | T
Teach Your Children Well by AvocadoLove - After Madara final attack on the village, Rokudaime Kakashi uncovers a time-travel scroll. Now he's Team Seven's sensei again. And this time, he's going to do things differently. A time travel fic. Complete (37,849) | KakaIru | K+
The Arrangement by Yuugiri - "We're already getting along bad enough. Why don't we just get married?" Complete (111,453) | GaaIno | T
Sabotage by therealesther - When her fifth date got food poisoning, and her sixth date cancelled in over the phone in a tone bordering on hysteria, Sakura decided things were getting out of hand. Complete (1,637) | KakaSaku | K+
To Love and to Love Again by animequeen100 - Love blooms even in the strangest of places, and darkest of hours. Sasuke has a daughter who needs a mother. Sakura has a son, who needs a father. When the shadows that follow her threaten to take her away from him, his dark secrets resurface to keep her in his arms. They were fated to love and destined to love again. Complete (401,061) | SasuSaku | M
The Good Wife by ReiraKurenai - Sixteen-year-old Ino is stuck in the body of her older self. Now she must embark on the journey of an adult, a wife and a mother while deep down she's still just a child herself. What does the future have in store for her? NarutoxIno and various pairings. Ongoing | NaruIno | T
Ripples by Yellow Mask - AU from 309 onwards. Following a botched mission, Sakura is made a slave by Sound, a position that could very well alter the future…especially concerning a certain familiar missing-nin. Complete (143,883) | SasuSaku | T
Set in Ink by TappityTap - "From then on, it became their own private ritual: She'd arrive at his place, they'd talk, she'd undress, he'd draw her, she'd look at his work and compliment it, he'd touch her until she quivered and cried out his name in a sweet burst of release. This ritual was always the same but somehow different and exciting every time. " Pure SaiIno smut. Some canon pairings mentioned. Complete (7,422) | SaiIno | M
The Cursed Geisha by wingedmercury - He's beautiful, in the same way that predatory animals are beautiful—dark, mysterious. Dangerous. Only this time, instead of being the predator, Sasuke will learn what it means to be prey. AU. Complete (43,612) | SasuHina | M
Will of Fire by Cynchick - Forced to flee their village and the new regime, the loyal shinobi of Konoha must find a way to preserve their way of life and take back their home. As they fight for their future, Team Seven struggles to overcome the past. Complete (223,234) | KakaSaku | M
The Secret Life of Teachers by tabine - Romance is a bit difficult to do when you spend a majority of your time within fifty feet of the object of your affections and somehow still don't quite understand that you're falling in love with them, if only because being a full-time high school teacher while taking graduate school courses takes precedence over everything else. A Nejiten high school teachers AU. Ongoing | NejiTen | T
The Line by livezinshadowz - When a young Ino tries to use the Shintenshin for the first time on Naruto, something goes wrong and the two find themselves temporarily stuck in the other's body. A series of moments depicting the evolution of their relationship, from acquaintances to friends to something more, all by crossing that metaphorical line created when a boy and a girl forge a bond. Complete (46,692) | NaruIno | T
In Another Life by CelestialCircumference - Kakashi never believed in soul mates until that fateful day. Written for HatakeFran for the KakaSaku Secret Santa 2016 on tumblr. Complete (18,350) | KakaSaku | T
House of Crows by SilverShine - War is coming to Konoha and Sakura is far from home, uncertain of her future. But one thing is for sure, Sakura will protect her unborn child at all costs, whether it be from Konoha's enemies... or from its own father. Complete (400,508) | KakaSaku | M
Better Off Dead by wingedmercury - When Hinata leaves Konoha, heartbroken but resolute, the last person she expects to see over the rim of her tea cup is him. "You look like you've just seen a ghost," he smirks, and Hinata thinks that some people are just better off dead. Complete (68,768) | SasuHina | T
The Song Of Kakashi by ZatannaZatara06 - If you want forever, you are going to have to suffer for it. For the KakaSaku Week 2016 Day 2 Theme: Fairy tales / Legends Myth: The story of Achilles and Patroclus. Complete (2,472) | KakaSaku | T
Kunoichi's Burden: Village First by lilac haze - She was dying. She should have died. She was supposed to die but the Gods had other plans. Sakura is thrown back in the past, where a dangerously attractive blonde and a loud mouthed redhead have taken it upon themselves to make her life even more difficult. If Naruto's parents didn't get together, kami, she would be in a lot of trouble. MinatoXSakura. Time travel-fic. Complete (378,854) | MinaSaku | T
On a Leash by thekatthatbarks - Kakashi's new puppy ends up being his best wingman. Complete (1,082) | KakaSaku | T
House Calls by Spoiled Sweet - Always the Team Mom, Sakura opens up her home as a clinic for the hospital-phobic ninja of Konoha. At the same time, her relationship with Kakashi begins to evolve in a way she never expected. Complete (262,803) | KakaSaku | M
Things You Just Don’t Talk About by Enodia - "Do you enjoy sex?" Shikamaru asked bluntly. I just can't believe I'm talking about this, and with Shikamaru, of all people, Sakura thought." Sakura is in for a surprise. Or, rather, a series of surprises. Complete (118,175) | ShikaSaku | M
Players by Kukaburraxxii - Ino joins the league of players. Discontinued | GenIno | M
Heatwave by Yahboobeh - When she found her breath again it was ragged. Only one thought tore through her mind: Consume me. The Suna sun wasn't the only reason their faces burned. Ongoing | NejiTen | M
The Art of War by leafygirl - Entry for the LJ Kakasaku AU contest. Sakura gets stuck following her teacher after a bet with her friends. But his mysterious life is nothing she ever expected. Complete (20,591) | KakaSaku | T
The Shinobi Princess by Winged Lady Colette - At the end of the Fourth Great Ninja War, Sakura takes an unexpected trip into the time of Konoha's Founding. Ongoing | HashiSaku | M
Dawning by deleria - After years of silence the Akatsuki are active again. Her allies uncertain, the Godaime sends two teams - one for a potential offensive strike and another for covert surveillance. Who would have guessed that Shikamaru and Sakura could fake it as newlyweds so well? ShikaSaku with early (one-sided) hints of SasuSaku. Complete (101,994) | ShikaSaku | M
Genius Sensei by AlexDnD - What if Kakashi had recovered from his deep depression? What if he turned out to be a true genius as a sensei? Watch as team 7 develops into a truly capable shinobi team! Complete | NaruSaku-ish | T | A fun read
We Are Never (ever getting back together) by natanije - In which Sakura waited, got tired of waiting, and decided to never wait ever again. (Or, in which Sakura never chased after Sasuke when she got pregnant). Complete (2,592) | General | T
A Poor Imitation by leafygirl - Sakura is injured on a mission, forgetting everything she knew of life in Konoha. Complete (88,913) | KakaSaku | M
The Girl From Whirlpool by SilverShine - When Naruto's father met his mother, his only impression was that a village out there must have been missing its idiot. Complete (248,299) | MinaKushi | T
The Way of the Wind by just enough - ANBU Captain Uchiha Itachi had things well planned out, until a medic-nin with ridiculous hair went and made herself interesting. Sakura insisted she was just doing her job, but Itachi didn't quite see it that way. Non-massacre. Complete (158,542) | ItaSaku | M
Cause for Conversation by firefly - Hinata has always been intimidated by Sasuke, but when she serves as a substitute for Sakura on a mission, she comes to learn that the stoic Uchiha is not so bad after all. Complete (4,858) | SasuHina | K+
The Price by Nenagh24 - This would have almost been hilarious, the renowned copy ANBU almost petrified of a small unarmed girl, had it not been happening to him. The price of this tiny bride was going to break him. Hello, fiery flames of eternal doom. Complete (19,067) | KakaSaku | T
Better Having Met You by KakashiSauce - Tenzou is wide-eyed, bright faced and unprepared for the ANBU life ahead of him. MOSTLY because of the unorthodox team he's placed into. However, it was done in his best interest, and Hiruzen is smart enough to know what is best for most young shinobi. Kakashi disagrees, but he is one of those young shinobi who doesn't know whats best for him. Ongoing | KakaYama | M
Icha Icha Gambit by TheSilverScarecrow - It was a risk; one that could potentially ruin their team, however, who was Hatake Kakashi to argue with the Hokage? But when a never to be finished Icha Icha draft falls into his possesion things start getting wildly out of hand as Sakura does whatever it takes to protect their village from a devastating weapon. Ongoing | KakaSaku | M
Nutrire by Wolfy Tales - As Ino traverses the world with Yamato after the war to neutralize potential threats, she finds out that they share more in common than just an interest in plants. Complete (32,251) | YamaIno | T
Let's Get Married by luvtoshi - It was supposed to be a simple solution to their immediate problems. But maybe they took more than they can chew? Complete (59,760) | NaruSaku | M
Hot Medicine by Saphri - Kakasaku one-shot. AU. Fighting fires was a tough job by all accounts. But when the job requires getting treated by beautiful pink haired paramedics it was worth the hardship. Complete (26,05) | KakaSaku | M
A Noble in Secret by WhiteMint - Side story to the Imperial Princess. C originally hated the people of Konoha, often referring to them as "Konoha dogs". But as he got to know the small pink haired girl who followed him around like a puppy, he no longer considered the term as maliciously as before. After all, he found his own little Konoha dog, and he planned on keeping her. Ancient Chinese AU. Complete (4,420) | CSaku | K+
Cherry Blossom Flames by Winged Lady Colette - A seven year old amnesiac awoke in a stream, being rescued by two brothers. Ongoing | MadaSaku | M
Adaline by Nikki1212 - I would choose you in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I would find you and I would choose you. AU. Ongoing | KakaSaku | T
Tempest by cywsaphyre - Back in time and armed with years of future knowledge, Sakura is ready to take the world by storm. Except... she's four again, not twelve. Ah well, nobody said she couldn't start a little early. Gen, time travel, AU, Sakuracentric. Discontinued | General | T
All This Time by thekatthatbarks - "I may not have fell like you did. I didn't fall gradually and slow over the span of twenty years. It was fast and sudden. It had me stumbling looking around trying to figure out where I was. I didn't even know it had happened." Complete (2,472) | ShikaSaku | K+
Team 8 by S’TarKan - What if Naruto had been selected for a different team? What if he'd had a different mentor? Who would guess the consequences would be so large? Ongoing | NaruHina | T | I don’t even like NaruHina anymore but this story is amazing (plot-oriented)
Better Man by Kakashisgf - Sakura and Sasuke have been married for over a decade, but things are far from perfect, and Sakura's beginning to realize that maybe she deserves better. Complete (179,759) | KakaSaku | M
Dirty Laundry by Slinkymilinky - Sakura had never been a fan of airing her dirty laundry in public…but Kakashi was often the exception to the rule. Lemony Oneshot. Complete (6,593) | KakaSaku | M
Time and Again by KyLewin - Time Travel fic. In a war torn future, in the burning ruins of Konohagakure, Naruto fights Orochimaru and loses as the world collapses around him. From that ending comes a new beginning and a new chance to set things right, if only he can figure out how.. Complete (456,787) | General | T
The Samurai and the Oni Girl by Silberias - AU KakaSaku set in Edo-period Japan. Sakura is the descendant of a red-haired foreigner as well as a merchant's daughter. Kakashi is a local samurai who has fallen on hard times, a man whose pride has been broken down to this point. Love comes after. Complete (131,644) | KakaSaku | T
Chippendales by Voyna - [AU] Sometimes, a girl needs a lap-dance to put life into perspective. Complete (15,645) | SasuHina | M
Once More, With Feeling by JinnySkeans - Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. Complete (127,462) | SasuSaku | M
In Case of Blue Scroll by Leola Majora - In Case of Blue Scroll the Hokage must lock himself in his office and pull his hair out as what he thought were memories of a long lost love turn out to be the memories of a mission he was about to assign his former student, Sakura Haruno. Complete (48,635) | KakaSaku | M
[I’ll update this again soon!]
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How Indy writes
Sometimes people ask me about this so I decided to do a rundown. You might find it helpful, you might not. This post is long.
How she begins:
Most of the time, like this:
Title, who I’m using, what the main plot is. Title is good to know in order to get the feel of your fic, but if you can’t think of a title just leave that. You do kind of need the synopsis though. If you aren’t able to come up with a synopsis, it’s likely you don’t know the core message of your fic and where you’re going with it, which’ll make it really hard to write.
The fic itself:
This happens a few different ways. For the sake of this example, I’ll use the same fic as above. This is what I have to start:
It’s just a summary. I did not start this fic from page one. The place I actually started this fic when I started writing it was page five:
I started with what I knew was going to happen instead of worrying about starting from the beginning, and just did that. I do this throughout the fic:
I’ll have the story written out for what I felt like doing at the time, and then a plot summary in boldface for what I don’t feel like doing right then or what I am not entirely sure works just yet. Sometimes I do that as a paragraph but usually as a list. From the Misophonia AU:
The second and third parts of the Misophonia AU right now are mostly a list with some paragraphs of story slotted in where I felt like doing them. This is how I work out plot details without worrying about getting all my ideas done at once, because even I can’t type that fast. Doing it as a list can also help you identify themes and pinpoint threads you need to wrap up later on: in the above paragraph, the first sentence tells me that when I get to the end of part three I have to remember to address why Misophonia became successful and why they get along. They can’t just magically have become a success. The list is also helpful in pinpointing exactly where you want the fic to go and in smoothing out plot details.
Sometimes I will be writing a paragraph and I’ll want to get the general idea down of what should happen in the scene, but I’ll know it’s not quite in character or how I want it. From the retirement in Canada fic I have:
The bold part is what I wrote and liked originally, but after rereading I don’t like it and need to change it. I don’t know what to change it TO right now, so I just made it bold to remind me to change it later. I don’t usually do this with entire paragraphs, mostly just sentences that feel a little out of character, but that retirement fic I’ve been working on for maybe a year and a half now and as I’ve been working on the series it belongs to it has undergone a lot of changes.
Very rarely I will write something I like for a fic and not use it. For We Get Along, I had a paragraph/scene I kept moving around because I couldn’t find anywhere to put it and eventually the part I liked best had to get axed:
I have that all in italics to reuse later for something else. I should probably give it its own document so I for sure don’t forget about it but I’ll leave it there for now. Sometimes I will have a similar situation where I write something I want to put in a fic, but I realise that would make it too long or it doesn’t really fit with where the story is going in general, so I just give it its own document. This was originally going to be part of the retirement fic but as we can see it doesn’t have a whole lot to do with retiring or learning to pretend you have morals to fit in with society:
So instead of trying to fit it into a fic it doesn’t belong in, I moved it. It gets its own fic later when I feel like writing it.
Keeping track of what you’ve already written:
You gotta just read it. Over and over and over again. For all my fics, especially the longer ones, I read them probably ten times or more. Some of this is the editing passes, but after I’ve posted I just keep rereading what I’ve done. Even if you have to do it fifty times, it’s the best way to keep things consistent. Another way would be, if you were using the list summary method, to keep the list summary in another document and refer to it as you write the whole fic. I personally just delete the point after I’ve written it.
For most of my fics I keep the entirety of the story inside of one document; We Get Along is twenty chapters and a hundred sixty-two pages all in one word doc. I have one fic divided into a hundred and thirteen documents because it got too long to keep track of in one document. I used to keep my author’s notes in a document separate from the fic as well but I like to write the note as I write the fic/chapters so I stopped doing that.
Folders are your friends. My Portal folders:
This keeps my fics organised by main character and if I start to have too many in the main character folder I divide them up by the secondary character. Name everything meaningfully. No ‘ashiofdsho.docx’. That’s not helpful.
Quality assurance:
The best way to know how quality your fic is is to have a beta, and if you’re super super lucky your beta will also identify themes for you and threads you missed and tell you about them so you can elaborate on them in future chapters or tie them up in the end of a one-shot real quick so you can look really clever. I have a longfic that only is a longfic because I had one reader who kept asking questions about how the threads of the fic worked. I didn’t know, but I sure did have to come up with a way to explain it.
Something you also have to do is come up with your own writing rules and follow them. This will form your style a little bit too. I have a few rules I know off the top of my head: chapters have to be between eight and twelve pages, always spell out numbers, avoid proper place names, and I cannot repeat words (except for prepositions) in a single paragraph or even consecutive ones if I can help it.
How to improve:
Write. Just sit down and do it. That’s literally the only way. Just as with drawing, writing a lot will enable you to eventually realise where you often go wrong, what your weaknesses are, etc. At my most productive I was writing six to ten hours a day: at home, on the bus, during my break at work. I don’t recommend ten hours a day because it starts to get a little trippy but if you want to git gud you have to put in the work. You will not be good at one thousand or two thousand or even ten thousand words unless you’re a prodigy, in which case congratulations! You just gotta write. A lot. More than you think you have to.
Do NOT tell yourself you suck. That is super extremely counterproductive. Don’t. Tell yourself you’re amazing, that your idea is fabulous, and if people don’t read it, hey, that’s their loss. It’s always gotta be for you, first off. You are the one who is going to read that fic fifty times, not anyone else. Write it because you love it and you love writing and you love reading your own writing. And if you don’t, pretend. Pretend until you believe it.
Read authors you admire. If they are Internet authors and you have the opportunity to know them, don’t be jealous of them. Being jealous helps nobody. Read their stuff and let it be something you aspire to, not something you think about resentfully when you’re writing something of your own. There are a few people I admire and one I will never, ever be better than or even come close to, but I’m not jealous of her. She made me a better writer just by existing and I am grateful for that. Acknowledge that they’re better than you are, accept it, and then try to figure out why it is they’re better. Is their vocabulary better? Are their fics more nuanced? Do they put a lot of detail into their fics? To be a good writer you need to learn to be an active reader. You likely don’t have an editor (beta), so you have to be able to identify things yourself an editor would be finding for you. A good independent author is usually good at self-editing.
If you happen to find a beta, l i s t e n to them. Unless you have a great friend who is willing to tell you what you need to hear, don’t have a friend as a beta. A lot of people ask for a beta, the beta says some nice things and some points to improve on, and the writer then only sort of acknowledges what improvement needs to be made. If you’re getting a beta, and they tell you you have a plot hole, you have a plot hole. Nine times out of ten they’re not wrong and they’re not misinterpreting your vision. Telling you you made a mistake is not them being mean. They’re doing their job. If you have no beta but some random comments a question or criticism on your fic and it’s not hostile, do not get offended. Do not take it personally. If the reader doesn’t understand, the reader doesn’t understand. You can get mad and rip them a new one, or you can acknowledge you did forget something and now you can fix it because they pointed it out. Every writer forgets that the audience does not know what they know. Do not shoot down people who genuinely do not understand things. You made a mistake and that’s okay. Learn from it.
And that’s about it! Hopefully that helps someone.
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Steal My Heart (steal my whole life too) Chapter Thirteen
Steal My Heart (steal my whole life too) 13/24
Genre: Chaptered, fantasy AU, Prince!Phil, Thief!Dan, romance, enemies to lovers, angst and fluff, slow burn (like serious slow burn)
Warnings: some violence, mentions of death (no main characters), dark magic, descriptions of wounds/blood, some hints of sexual scenes (but no actual smut), murder, dangerous situations, stealing/thievery
Summary: Captain of the Royal Guard and Prince of Morellia, Philip Lester has never been given the chance to find love. Instead, he’s run from a system that works to end class differences and improve equality for its citizens. Happy as he is to make the world a better place, Phil can’t help feeling bitter towards his ancestors for making it impossible for him to find someone who will actually love him for more than just his title, and strives instead for a life of justice and doing good - only to meet his match in the King of Thieves, a man who will change everything he once thought he knew in life. Together, they must depart on a quest to save the kingdom, and, in the process, destroy their differences and find their own form of love.
Word count: 240,000+
Updates: Sunday
Thanks so much to @botanistlester for betaing this giant monster, as she’s been super helpful and encouraging with her little comments and endless excitement. We couldn’t have done it without you <3
Disclaimer: In no way do I claim that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil
For reference, @snowbunnylester is Phil, @ineverhadmyinternetphase is Dan
Hey guys! I just wanted to make a quick note at the top of this chapter. There’s been a lot of… backlash and comments regarding the previous chapter of this fic, and it’s been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for both me and @ineverhadmyinternetphase. We’d like to address a few of these things here.
1. We promised/warned at the beginning of this fic that the rating would never go over pg-13. There will never be an overabundance of nsfw content other than implied and a little bit of nudity. This is down to a few things. I am ace flux, which means that I experience every form of asexuality at different levels at different times. There are days where I am completely repulsed, and days when I am fine, but I am always asexual. Julia, meanwhile, is always sex repulsed. This means that, as a duo, we made the decision to never write anything more than implied smut, particularly as that is something Julia is completely against, and I understand her completely as I have days where I am completely against it as well. I would like to reassure our readers who were worried we’d change the rating or include nsfw that this will never happen, while also informing those readers who are disappointed by this why we choose to keep the rating at pg-13. If this is a deal breaker for you, we apologize, but we will not be changing the rating at any time.
2. The entire debate/fight over Phil being a bottom has extremely upset me. I talked a lot about it on my blog, but essentially, I just want to say that both Julia and I feel that sex isn’t about power, but about mutuality, and affection, and that is why, as you will see, Dan and Phil share a very versatile lifestyle in this fic. Please don’t attack us for choosing to write them in this way; there is nothing wrong with preferring Phil as a top, but there is something wrong in attacking the others for doing something that defies the norm in the phandom.
3. Please do not go to Julia (@ineverhadmyinternetphase) regarding anything that has to do with the implied nsfw content of this fic. I’m super sex repulsed most of the time, so anything to do with asking for smut/nsfw content makes me want to throw up. Feel free to come chat to me about literally anything else though, including why I want to write fics that don’t have nsfw themes (there’s a whole bunch of acearo goodness in that answer xD)
4. We will never write any scene outside of this fic that is nsfw as a side chapter or a bonus chapter etc… This is because this makes Julia incredibly uncomfortable to think of her characters as doing nsfw things in general outside of the implied stuff we did write, and it makes me uncomfortable to even consider writing something without my co author for our co-authored fic, if that makes sense.
5. Please read this post, in regards to some of the unfriendly comments we have been receiving in some ways.
(AO3 Link) (Masterlist) (Previous)
Chapter Thirteen
The stars were out.
Phil was shivering and emotionally drained, giggling against Dan's lips and shuffling to get more comfortable pressed against him, limbs curled around his thief’s. His thief was so warm against him, even in the cold of his cave; maybe it was the fact that he was flushed, or maybe Dan was just always warm, but it hardly mattered. Phil was soaking it all up, warm from the inside out, and impossibly giddy after what they’d just done, what they’d shared together. He’d never felt so… close, to another human being, and to have shared that with Dan… it meant more to Phil than he could explain.
The animal skins beneath their bodies were covered in sweat, but Phil didn’t care. He was too busy kissing Dan, smiling against his lips, enjoying the way the other man had relaxed completely next to him, pliant to his every desire
They were dressed again, sort of. Phil had blushed so much at the end there that Dan had chuckled at him and retrieved both pairs of pants for them to pull back on. It had soothed Phil quite a bit, to not be completely exposed anymore, and Dan had been respectful as always, keeping his gaze above the waist as Phil got dressed. Now, though, now Phil couldn’t seem to stop touching all of Dan’s scarred and exposed skin, drawing pointless patterns against him like the love-sick fool that he was, and teasing at the dark marks Dan had taught him to leave properly.
“How’s that, then?” Phil mumbled, pressing two fingers into one such mark on Dan’s skin - one of the very few marks on Dan’s body that Phil himself had left, rather than - someone else.
Honestly, Phil had so many questions about all that. He wanted to trace every single one of Dan’s scars and ask him he’d gotten them, but he was far too busy feeling all fluttery and giddy inside to bother the warm atmosphere the two of them had buried themselves inside.
Besides… they’d have time for questions later, surely.
Phil was warm, so warm, against him as Dan lay on his bed of furs, their limbs entirely wrapped together. He had his head on Phil's shoulder, with Phil's arms tight around him, and their legs entangled under a soft blue blanket. The stars twinkled delicately through the cavern roof, providing just enough light for Dan to watch the way Phil's chest moved as he breathed, to stare at the contrast in their skin tone as he splayed his fingers out across Phil's ribs.
Dan shivered a little under Phil's touches, as Phil seemed to have an unnecessary desire to touch Dan everywhere, all over his scarred and marked flesh. Dan didn't understand the fascination. His body was a mess, beaten and broken from a hard life on the streets, but Phil... Phil was a creature of beauty, and Dan could stare at him forever.
Lightly, because he could now, Dan's fingers trailed down Phil's chest, exploring again the flesh he'd come to know so well. Phil's skin was soft and warm and so, so smooth, showing his life of comfort, but the way his muscles bunched belied his strength and years of training. Dan was fascinated, and he traced the pattern of Phil's freckles in the same way Phil traced Dan's scars. He could spend hours just lying here, in casual intimacy, tracing patterns on Phil's flesh and watching the way his eyes softened when he looked at Dan. Dan would never be over this. He'd never had intimacy like this before - not after he'd got what he wanted.
Phil was going to destroy him.
The oval locket Dan had given Phil earlier was still around his neck, lying against Phil's chest, and Dan felt a pang of longing when he saw it. It was so right to have it sitting there on Phil - like it belonged, like he carried part of Dan with him. Because he did. Dan had slowly but surely given his heart to this Prince, and there was no taking it back now. Dan was going straight to hell, but as he lay gently on Phil's chest, in Phil's arms, he couldn't even bring himself to regret it.
Dan gave a little shudder when two of Phil's fingers pressed against a mark at his collarbone, and he tilted his head up just enough to send Phil an unimpressed look. "Excuse you. I was busy; quit distracting me." He shifted a little closer, sliding a leg around Phil's and winding his arm securely around Phil's waist, nuzzling his head into Phil's collarbone. He snickered against his skin. "Besides, I think you're a bit more marked up than me. With a bit more practise, we'll get you there."
Phil couldn't help but laugh at Dan’s comment even as the flush raced down his chest all over again. He was so tempted to shove Dan away from him for it, except he really didn't want Dan to move. It felt so good being tangled up the way they were, like nothing Phil had ever felt before. Sure, he and Dan had shared a bed last night, cuddled a few times before now, and even been pressed together more than once, but this? This was different. This was so much more, unafraid as they were to tangle their bodies together completely now they'd seen all of each other.
Besides… it was true that Dan had managed to lay more waste to Phil’s pale skin than Phil had managed to Dan, but he didn’t mind so much anymore. His body still prickled a bit with the feeling it had given him, and that was nice, wonderful even. Phil pressed his nose to Dan’s curly hair instead, and just kind of took all of this moment in.
He was still grinning when he asked, “But I’m distracting you with what, exactly?”
Phil’s fingers trailed up Dan’s back. He could just about see a particularly nasty scar from his position curled over Dan’s head, right at his shoulder blade, and his fingers curled around it automatically. It looked kind of like a stab wound, if Phil had to guess, and it hurt him to know what Dan had to have been through in his short life so far. Still, though… he wanted to know it all.
“I don’t see you doing anything but touching me, after all. I couldn't possibly be distracting you from that, my thief,” Phil said, and pressed a quick kiss to the top of Dan’s head.
Dan stretched out luxuriously under Phil's touch, purring like a cat. He lived for having his hair touched, even in its current curly state, and so he unashamedly pressed his head into Phil's touch to demand more affection there.
"Precisely," Dan sniffed, "I was busy looking at you." He traced his fingers in one smooth swipe down Phil's ribs to his hip, tapping them lightly against Phil's skin and delighting in the way Phil shivered under his touch. Dan wanted to tease every possible reaction out of Phil, to watch his face shift as Dan grew to know his body, grew to know him. He was itching with the desire to be as close to Phil as possible, emotionally as well as physically, in every sense of the word.
Phil's hand continued down Dan's back, and he stretched again, enjoying it, until Phil's fingers brushed a scar just under Dan's right shoulder blade. Dan winced, just a little, and shifted out from under the touch. It was an old wound, but a painful one, and much as Dan didn't want Phil to stop touching him, well, ever, there were some things he was a little vulnerable about.
Dan hated being vulnerable, even if Phil was surrounding him like a warm, comforting blanket. He loved this intimacy, but it would take some getting used to.
When Dan flinched, Phil glanced down to see if he was okay, and then moved his fingers away from the spot he'd been touching before. He reminded himself not to bother that particular scar in the future, and moved his hands instead back up to Dan's hair where he knew his thief seemed to like being touched. In fact, Dan seemed to enjoy any touch to his hair, because there had been a point when tugging on it was a thing, and Dan had only seemed to encourage it.
"Mm, well. I'd much rather be bothering you, so pay attention to me," Phil teased, pouting a bit as he reached down to tip Dan's chin up to look at him, wanting to see those warm brown eyes boring into his own. He grinned when Dan did look up, and leaned down to press a soft kiss to his forehead, closing his eyes when he was done and pulling away on the slightest bit. He wanted to be close to Dan.
After all, he liked the way Dan was so comfortable with him now, and that he himself was able to let Dan touch him so easily. His body still shook under the unfamiliar touch, but it was in a pleasant way, and Phil just wanted Dan to keep touching him like this, in casual sweeps of his hand that showed he loved Phil's body just as much as Phil loved Dan’s. Phil didn't quite understand why Dan would want to look at him though; he was just Phil, bulky and pasty skinned. He personally found Dan far more attractive than himself, but then he figured this whole thing wouldn't have worked out if Dan didn’t feel quite the opposite to Phil.
"And you call me needy," Dan snorted, turning his face up when prompted and grinning cheekily at Phil. He closed his eyes briefly when Phil kissed his forehead, and returned the gesture by lightly running his nose up Phil's jaw until he could press a kiss to his cheek. Phil's hand was back in his hair again and Dan made a soft noise of contentment, curling up even closer. His arm settled around Phil's chest, wanting to hold him, to feel him near.
"So. Tell me something..." Phil trailed off, suddenly a bit nervous. For all that Dan had given him, Phil didn't want to push any boundaries. Moving one hand down to Dan's chest, Phil pushed his hand over a patch of skin that was discolored and patchy. "If I may... I want to hear your stories," he requested, pressing his palm harder over the mark in curiosity, hoping Dan would understand him.
Dan shifted a little, rolling onto his side more when Phil drew a line down his chest. As Phil pressed his fingers there, questioning, Dan blinked and followed his gaze to see a discoloured patch of skin - one of his very oldest wounds, barely noticeable now. Dan had almost forgotten it was there.
"Oh, that old thing." Dan shifted a little further to give Phil more room to explore, glancing up to look into Phil's intense blue eyes. Curiosity was the prevailing emotion there right now, and Dan smirked a little. "Want to hear my traveller's tales, Phil? I assure you, they're not as exciting as you might think. But I can indulge you for a while."
When Dan shifted to move onto his side, Phil followed him, resting his head on a bundle of fur right next to Dan's. He was surprisingly comfortable despite missing the silken sheets of his own bed and the royal pillows that took up a good half of his bed, because he was here with Dan, and there was something amazing about sharing his space, learning about him and the life he lived on a daily basis. Settling in for a few good stories, Phil kept his gaze locked on Dan’s face for a moment, until Dan started to show Phil where his scars lay.
Dan stretched again, lifting his hand reluctantly off Phil's chest to instead trace the mark that Phil was still pressing against. "This is an old scar - from when I was a boy, stealing in the markets the first time I ever got caught. My brother was sick, but I'd used up all my father's old herbs and I hadn't got any supplies left, so I went to try and steal from a healer. Unfortunately, I didn't see her rather large son." Dan shook his head, his tone wry. "He only had a small knife on him, thankfully, and the cut didn't last. My brother laughed at me when I got back." Dan closed his fingers around Phil's wrist and moved his hand away from the mark, instead dragging his waiting fingers over to a thin, jagged line that crossed Dan's hip. “This one, though, is more interesting.”
Phil hadn't known Dan's brother was sick. The thought of it made him ill, and his brow furrowed because his people weren't meant to leave orphans to die on their own. Phil didn't know what Dan's brother had had, but the way he spoke of it, it was something his father might have been able to heal had Dan's family not been gone by then already.
Knowing as little as Phil did about Dan’s family didn’t change the part of Phil that wished he could have saved them all, just for Dan.
Phil’s fingers moved gently over each scar as Dan moved his hand, tracing them softly and memorizing the feel under his fingertips. He wanted to know all of Dan, and this was part of Dan, even if it hurt to hear the dangers he’d faced.
“This one,” Dan murmured, pressing against the jagged line, "I was headed into the capital city for the first time. Ages ago - I was fourteen, so - yes, five years ago. I'd heard there was a royal parade going on for the Queen's birthday, so naturally I wanted to cause trouble." The corner of Dan's mouth twitched up. "I snuck all the way into the Town Hall, where you and your family were up on stage. The King was speaking, if I remember correctly, and I was all set to run up there and make a nuisance of myself, but a Royal Guardsmen caught me before I could get more than two feet in. I ran, of course, but he chased me. Nicked me with his blade just before I disappeared over a wall." Dan chuckled. "I think my dislike of the Royal Guard stems from then, as well."
Hearing that even five years ago Dan had intended to be a menace to the royal family surprised a laugh out of the otherwise horrified Phil, and he had to stop and consider what he might have been doing at the royal birthday party back then, if he’d come close to running into Dan himself, maybe had an encounter he’d pushed away…
Ah. Phil remembered, now. He’d been up on stage next to his father, all dressed up in his royal guard gear, still so young and new to the fold, pretending as though he was keeping his family safe when really, it was the men he’d grown up around always protecting him instead. That hadn’t been all, though; no, ironically, that had been one of the first times Phil had felt confident enough to leave the city on his own, sneaking away when everyone’s back was turned, weapon at his hip ready to pick up and use to defend himself should the need arise.
Nudging Dan, Phil smirked at him.
"I remember that celebration. Mother hadn't wanted anything so grand, but father had insisted, saying the world needed to see more of her, and so she'd gone and let father throw the biggest celebration possible. I remember I used that celebration to my advantage, and for the first time in my life, I ventured outside of the city walls all on my own. With everyone so distracted, I was able to slip off into the forests. I had just turned eighteen, thought I was so cool because I'd finally been named an official Royal Guard, but I forgot all my training that night when I ran into a Unicorn. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen," Phil stated softly. "Nearly let myself be killed when it turned and saw me, but… well, better ending than your night," Phil explained, still tracing his fingers over Dan's wound there.
Dan's eyes widened a little. "You saw a unicorn?" He sat up excitedly, shaking his head. "I can't believe it! They're so incredibly rare." Of course, now Dan thought about it, if anyone he knew was going to manage to see a unicorn then it would be Phil. Phil's good heart and moral compass would be more than enough not to scare away such a shy beast, even if it had almost got him killed. That wasn't the first time Phil had mentioned the forest, either. Dan would ask him about it later.
Unable to help his grin, Phil nodded enthusiastically. He'd never actually told anyone that story before, not wanting anyone to know or use it against him or to find another excuse to "want" him. Dan was the first he'd ever told, and he felt kind of proud of it when Dan actually sat up in excited surprise, a tinge of jealousy showing through his words.
“Maybe I’ll tell you all about it another time, but for now… tell me about this scar,” Phil said, interrupting Dan’s excitement to instead trace his fingers up to a strange white crease on Dan’s shoulder, not wanting Dan to stop talking just yet. He wanted Dan to tell him everything, and Phil feared if they turned the attention back to him instead, Dan would forget himself and avoid any more conversation about him.
Glancing down, Dan watched as Phil traced the oddly shaped scar on his shoulder and successfully making him forget about the unicorn, at least for just then. Dan let out a little sigh, staring down and away from Phil's gaze. "Well. Actually, that scar is a little embarrassing." Dan coughed into his hand, then wriggled himself back in close to Phil, so he could hide his face in Phil's neck.
"I got cocky," Dan explained. "I'd been living out on my own for quite a while, generally terrorising the local villages - no cities yet, I was still working my way up - but people had started talking about a King of Thieves who was plaguing the area. I quite liked the title. So I went into the village centre one night, all ready to break into a house, but there was another thief there who'd beaten me to it. He recognised me straight away, laughed at me for being so young. So, naturally, I, um, challenged him." Dan grimaced.
"You're still pretty cocky," Phil teased, ignoring it when Dan thumped his chest lightly to shut him up. The whole idea of Dan being cocky and stupid enough to challenge someone older than him made him smile, and the only reason he didn’t succumb to the small prickle of fear at the idea of a young Dan fighting someone older than him was the knowledge that Dan had survived, and was here now, safe in his arms. Phil snuffled a bit, and curled himself tighter around Dan.
Dan huffed. "Rude, though I can’t say you’re wrong. Never mind this thief was about twenty years older than me. Anyway. I had a knife I kept flailing at him, but he dodged easily, jumped on me and cut my shoulder." Dan shrugged, lips twitching. "I was furious, but then he cut my knee too - look," Dan paused momentarily to show Phil the matching scar on his knee, "So I couldn't move. I passed out, I think, and next thing I knew he was building me a campfire and offering to teach me how to fight." Dan shook his head, smiling again. "I stayed with him a few months, until he kicked me out to go my own way again. I'd learned a lot, though. I owe him most of my skills in fighting."
At that, Dan glanced back up again and grinned straight at Phil. "And you know how skilled I am at that, hm? I reckon I could still take you in a fight."
Grumbling a bit when Dan started to shift around in order to show Phil his knee, Phil went with it, desperate to take in all of Dan’s body and all of his stories. He wanted to know all of Dan, so he looked at the small cut on Dan’s knee for the length of time Dan was willing to show it to him, and then grumbled a bit more when Dan started to shift around some more, really getting into his story.
Finally, though, Dan stopped moving, and Phil laughed as his thief returned to teasing him.
"I'll be honest,” Phil said in reply, “I'm more than happy he taught you how to fight… but I still think I could take you, my thief," he teased, tugging a little on a stray curl that lay against the side of Dan’s head, before placing it back in the nest of Dan's hair.
Dan huffed at Phil’s response, though he more than happily moved back into Phil's hold, tilting his head and giving a little sigh as Phil continued to run his fingers through Dan's hair. Dan was also pleased that Phil was still calling him his thief. He liked the way that tied them together, but without making Dan feel like he had to change. Dan was starting to entertain the very dangerous possibility that he might somehow be able to remain a thief and keep Phil.
The thought was too precious, and Dan had to let it go.
"Excuse you, I could totally take you in a fight." Dan sounded vaguely affronted. He rolled a little, pressing himself carefully on top of Phil and grinning down at him.
Phil made a small "ooph" noise as Dan rolled on top of him, but he liked the way it looked and felt, head tilted back as Dan hovered over him. It was especially good now, though, after all they'd done, and he grinned, reaching up to press his hand to Dan's dimple again. He knew it annoyed Dan, but Phil couldn't bring himself to care. He just loved Dan's dimple so damn much.
Dan's face screwed up when Phil pressed his dimple again. Phil seemed to have an utter fascination with it, or maybe he just did it because it annoyed Dan. Dan didn't know.
Though he'd be lying if he said he hated it.
Sniffing, Dan added, "I'm not cocky without reason, now. I don't think you ever managed to lock me away in your dungeon, did you?"
Phil shook his head, knowing Dan was right. Phil, as good as he was as Captain of the Royal Guard, had never quite been able to take Dan down.
"But I've also never had the chance to take you in a fair fight, with no advantages on either side. I feel like I might have a chance," Phil explained, tugging Dan down until he could kiss him soundly on the lips, sighing softly and unable to stop smiling into it. He liked that he could do that anytime he liked, now, heart fluttering in his chest as Dan moved to rest against his chest. Legs tangled together, Phil hummed and pressed his fingers back through Dan's hair.
Dan smiled when Phil kissed him, unable to help it. There was something so casually intimate about being able to touch each other whenever they wanted, kiss each other however they liked, and Dan was growing to love it. They could build a life based on this, he thought, if only they could find a way to keep both of them happy.
Still, Dan couldn't let Phil go unchallenged, so he pursed his lips, thinking. "I suppose - if there were no advantages. We're kind of evenly matched. One difference though, my Prince." Dan's eyes gleamed wickedly as he leaned back in, tracing his nose slowly up Phil's jaw until his lips were brushing Phil's ear just enough to tease him. "I fight dirty."
He pressed a kiss there, right under Phil's ear, before moving back around to lie on his chest with a snicker. He could feel Phil shivering beneath him.
It was ridiculous, the things Dan could do to Phil, even now. The way his nose felt tracing just under Phil’s jaw, his lips brushing over his ear, and his voice all soft and heated, made something stir in him again, and Phil could do nothing but let out a soft sigh as he shivered underneath Dan. His lips parted slightly, and his eyes fell closed for just the briefest of moments.
“Fair enough,” Phil agreed lightly when he got his breath back, his heart having picked up speed at the way Dan had spoken to him. Swallowing thickly, Phil tried to clear his mind, and ended up letting out another surprised sigh as Dan shifted on top of him. He licked his lips, remembering that first day he’d met Dan on the rooftops.
“Considering the way you flirted with me the day we met… I can see you playing dirty to your dying breath,” he said.
Dan laughed at the reminder of how he’d flirted with Phil that first day, his eyes glittering as he stared at the mess he’d made of Phil. Reaching up with tender fingers, Dan went ahead and carded his own fingers through Phil’s hair affectionately, before moving to settle himself on Phil’s chest all over again. He may be a tease, but he had no plans to push Phil any further tonight than they’d already gone.
Instead, Dan changed the subject. Besides, he very much still wanted to hear about that unicorn, and his prince’s adventures, so he said, “Anyway, enough about me. You said you knew the forest well?” Dan tilted his head up to meet Phil’s eyes lightly, smiling when Phil traced his fingers through Dan’s hair again. His voice was light hearted now, a bit teasing, but mostly, he just wanted to hear Phil talk.
Dan closed his eyes, and nestled himself close to Phil again, listening to the slow, rhythmic beating of Phil’s heart. “I never ventured there - it was always too risky for me. What’s the forest like?”
Phil didn't really want to talk about himself, was much happier listening to Dan speak, but knew Dan wanted to know just as much about Phil as Phil did Dan, so he rested his head back against the furs underneath him, and thought for a second.
“It’s amazing, Dan,” he started, humming a little. His eyes sought out the night sky above them, in the little hole in Dan’s cavern that Phil couldn’t help feeling Dan was so lucky to have. His fingers played lightly against Dan’s body wrapped up in his arms, and he sighed, smiling. “There are so, so many creatures in the forest that I don’t even have a name for, rare and incredibly beautiful, just like the foliage and plants they inhabit. The further you venture in, the less traversed by humans it’s been, and the paths disappear until you’re left with nothing but natural trails to follow and strange nature to take in. Nothing’s man-made, there.”
Phil couldn’t help wanting to go back there now, thinking of the day he might get to take Dan with him. He’d not seen nearly enough of the forests in his lifetime, not yet, despite the sheer amount of times he’d managed to explore on his own. There was so much in there, so much unstudied and unknown, too terrifying even for most researchers and adventurers to seek out on their own - or at least, those known to Phil’s people. Perhaps their neighboring kingdoms knew more… some day, Phil would travel there as well, to learn… perhaps Dan would come with him.
Phil cleared his throat, continuing.
“I once found a pack of wood mice, down some strange trail I doubt I’ll ever be able to retrace again. They’re just as big as you’d imagine, huge fuzzy creatures with antenna as long as my arm. They sniffed the air when I came near, but didn’t fear me. One turned to me with big, beady eyes, but dismissed me almost immediately. They’d taken down one of the oldest trees I’ve ever seen when I stumbled upon them, and were gnawing at the bark inside, and yet it seemed as if they’d picked the tree on purpose for it’s age, not wanting to destroy the world they lived in… It was amazing, seeing nature at work like that,” Phil explained, thinking back on that wondrous day.
Dan sat up a little, staring at Phil with slightly wide eyes. Wood mice. Dan had only ever read about those mysterious creatures, they played a key part in one of his favourite fairy tales. He’d used to act that out with his brother all the time as a child, in happier times, before he’d fallen sick and Dan had watched him wither away. But wood mice - they were notoriously shy, travelling in their tight-knit groups and rarely seen by human eyes.
For all that Dan had seen and done in his life, there were some things that Phil had done much more.
Jealousy twisted in Dan’s gut for a moment, before he calmed himself. Phil had seen things Dan had only ever dreamed about, or read about in his books, but never thought could be reality. But they were for Phil. For Phil’s world.
Why couldn’t they be real for Dan’s world, too?
Phil smiled to himself, turned his head to face Dan.
“Maybe one day I can take you,” he murmured, and watched as Dan’s lips began to quirk up in a smile. Too afraid to face his response, however, Phil turned his gaze back up to the roof of the cavern, searching out the stars once more.
Dan wriggled. Maybe - maybe it could be real for Dan’s world, too, if Phil wanted to take him there. But that would involve some kind of future where they could stay together, and honestly - honestly, as much as Dan wanted that, it was difficult to imagine.
Phil was still a Prince. Dan was still a thief. They were joined for this quest to save Cornelia, yes, but after that… after that, the royals would have no use for Dan at all. And while he dared to believe that maybe Phil would want to keep him around, it was… hard to imagine. Unless Dan gave up his thieving, but that would mean abandoning all the black markets he’d ever set up, all the ways he tried to help his people.
Could he do that? Would he do that, for Phil?
Phil let his mind wander a bit, thinking of the other strange sights he’d seen in the forest, and then laughed as he remembered one in particular.
“There’s a lake I like to visit sometimes, deep in the middle somewhere. I’ve got the trail memorized, from all the time’s I’ve visited. It’s really peaceful out there, and no one but me seems to know about it, so I’m always able to find security out there. Anyway, I’ve never been in the lake, but I’ve seen something even more amazing than experiencing that water. An Articuno lives there.”
“You’re joking.” Dan shot straight up and raised both brows excitedly at Phil. “An Articuno. Like, actually, actually an Articuno.” They were almost as rare as dragons, talked about in fairy tales with just as much reverence, although they were mostly loved. Dan couldn’t count the number of stories that included a great knight being guided on his way by one.
Well, maybe that was happening now. Phil was a great knight, too, after all.
“I’m not,” Phil explained, his voice going low and conspiratorial. “I swear it. I caught them sunbathing once, and they looked at me with one, huge eye, like they knew who I was, and then flapped their wings and disappeared back into the lake like I’d never been there at all. Legend has it they don’t usually come out when people are around, but sometimes, they toss dead fish up at me, like a peace offering,” he continued, curling his fingers through Dan’s hair.
Sighing once more, Phil closed his eyes, and bit his lip.
“One day… I want to take you there. One day… I want to show you everything.”
He couldn’t help how nervous he felt saying those words a second time, terrified that Dan might reject him.
Dan held in a breath. Slowly, carefully, he lowered himself back down to Phil’s chest and hid his head in his favourite spot in Phil’s shoulder, ducking there to hide his expression for a moment. Phil offering to take him there - making future plans like they were possible - it was doing strange things to Dan’s heart.
Maybe, once they returned, Phil would be able to sneak out of the Palace sometimes. Maybe he’d be able to escape his duties and come and spend time with Dan, at least some of the time. There was also the fact that Dan’s capital city hideout was right on top of Phil’s office, something that Phil was still ignorant of, but maybe Dan could use that to his advantage in the future. The idea of swinging unannounced into Phil’s space… that was a good thought.
If only it was possible.
For now, Dan wanted to enjoy what time he did have. So he lifted his face out of Phil’s shoulder and looked back at him, shaking his head gently. Phil sounded so enamoured whenever he spoke of the forest, and it was evident enough that he loved animals and wildlife. For now, Dan would focus on that.
"Why am I not surprised you went chasing after animals." Dan's lips twitched a little, and he went back to idly tracing patterns on Phil's chest, leaning into the hand in his hair with a low hum. "I sense that's a recurring theme. I'd love to see your forest, Phil. In fact..." Dan trailed off for a moment, tilting his head to to look Phil in the eyes again. "...I think I'd like to see everything you want to show me."
When Dan didn’t reject Phil’s proposal to show his thief the wonders Phil knew, he felt a burst of excitement flare through him. Knowing that Dan wanted to see all that Phil had to show him, just as much as Dan wanted to show Phil so much, made him giddy to the bone, and he laughed as he sat up rather suddenly, dislodging Dan from his chest.
“Yeah?” he asked, rolling over on top of Dan and pushing him back down on the furs below them, arms coming up to cage Dan’s body in. He liked having advantage over Dan, was quickly learning how to play dirty himself, and nudged at Dan’s lips with his own. “You really want to see what I have to show you?” he breathed against Dan’s lips, laughing breathily again when Dan nodded underneath him. “You’ve seen more of the world then me, my thief… and yet, I still want to show you everything I know…” Slowly, Phil trailed his lips down Dan’s sensitive neck, chuckling at the way Dan tilted his head obediently in reaction
Dan gave a disgruntled squawk when Phil dislodged him from his comfortable resting place cuddled up to Phil's chest. He slid onto his back with a huff, though his eyes brightened again when Phil trapped him in place, body folded around Dan's. Phil was growing more and more confident with this, initiating more and more, and it was quickly making them equals. Dan had thought he'd be annoyed by that, but actually, it calmed him. Imbalance did neither of them good. Dan couldn't wait to keep pushing at Phil's boundaries, to see how many things he could teach him, how many firsts he could steal from Phil.
“Though, I do have to admit,” Phil continued, “That I am jealous of all that you have seen. Perhaps it would be better for you to show me the world after all,” he whispered, pulling back to look Dan in the eye, his own twinkling with something more than mirth. He pressed his hand over Dan's heart, lifted himself a bit, tried to take the mood back to something a little more serious rather than sexy. "Would you do that, Dan? If I asked you to? Would you take me away? Show me everything I've been missing out on?"
His eyes bored into Dan's. He wanted so badly to know if that was an option. Would Dan take care of him, look after him, be willing to have Phil so included in every aspect of his life?
"If I wanted to run away with you, even if just for a little while, in small spurts at a time, would you take me anywhere, my thief?"
Phil lifted off him a little, and Dan wound his arms gently around Phil's back, bringing him close. He loved holding Phil, making full use of his slight height advantage to curl his long body entirely around Phil's.
Dan shivered a little at Phil's questions, though. He could see the sincerity in Phil's eyes, hear the honesty in his tone. Phil meant what he was saying. He wanted Dan to show him the world. And if that didn’t tie in with Dan’s earlier thoughts - that maybe, possibly, there could be some kind of future for them. Somehow.
Dan's heart raced a little with excitement.
He reached up to card a hand through Phil's hair, eyes trained on his face. "Do you even have to ask? I'd give you anything you want, my Prince, anything at all to make you happy." He nudged affectionately at Phil, close to kissing him again, but not quite meeting his lips. "If you truly wanted to get away, to come with me - I could show you so many things. You'd love the menagerie in the Arkha mansion to the East, and you haven't lived until you've seen the sunrise over the coast to the North. So much I could show you, my Prince, if you step into my world for a while."
Dan meant the words, spoke them with true honesty, but there was a heaviness to his heart as well. Because however much he might want to, Dan knew he couldn't keep Phil. Phil had his duties, and he took them seriously, and Dan wished he could whisk them away from it all. He meant what he'd said when he declared he wanted to give Phil his freedom.
It was just - that freedom would mean taking him away from his family. From his job, a job that Phil clearly loved, and from a people who loved him back just as fiercely. Dan couldn’t take away their Prince. He couldn’t take Phil away from everything that made him happy.
But, if he was allowed short bursts of time… then maybe, maybe Dan could have that.
Slowly, the grin took over Phil's features all over again, Dan's eyes brilliant and sincere as he stared up at Phil. There was so much happiness bubbling up inside of him that Phil thought this might actually work, and then he was leaning back down and cupping Dan's cheeks to kiss him, open mouthed and giddy. He was grinning far too wide to make much progress here, but Dan wasn't complaining, laughing at Phil despite it all until Phil was pulling away with a happy sigh and settling his weight on top of Dan, resting his head in the crook of his neck.
Dan laughed into the kiss, laughed as Phil pressed close to him, but the sound was one of pure joy. Usually he laughed at someone's expense, the sound snide and jeering, but with Phil, he felt true happiness radiate inside him. It was like Phil reached between all of Dan's nasty little corners and instead found the true, warm, soft person he could be.
It made Phil smile, made him so happy, to hear Dan laughing with him, the sound soft against his lips, soft in his ears. He wanted to bathe in it, find another million ways to make Dan make that sound, and he curled into him, let himself be held, buzzing with more happiness than he could explain. He'd never been this happy, and it was strange because he shouldn't be just then. So much had happened to his family, so many things had changed, and his kingdom was in peril, and yet, Phil just wanted to have this moment with his thief.
"Dan," he whispered, and closed his eyes, searching with one hand for Dan's so he could slot their fingers together again. He wasn't sure if he was pushing too far yet, but there was so much Phil wanted to say. He bit his lip, afraid to scare Dan away, and nuzzled closer still, reaching up with his other hand to close his fist around the pendant around his neck. "Dan," he said again, and sighed.
Dan held Phil tight as Phil nuzzled against him, holding in another burst of laughter. He was buzzing with happiness, listening to the way Phil sighed his name. Hardly anyone knew Dan's name, and no one spoke it aloud without risking Dan cutting them. He’d kind of… ditched it, after his family passed and he became known as the King of Thieves. It was perfect and strange to hear Phil saying it, even now.
"If you promise to take me, if we survive this month... then I promise to go with you," Phil insisted, voice quiet.
Those were the most perfect words ever. A sealed promise that Phil would come with Dan, would let Dan show him the world. That this wasn’t going to be the last of their travels together.
But Dan's eyes narrowed a little at Phil's comment.
"What do you mean, if we survive? I have absolutely no intention of letting you escape my clutches so soon." He ran a hand down Phil's back, digging his nails in just a little, just enough to make his point. "I don't let my belongings get damaged, Phil, and you most definitely belong to me."
Phil's back arched into Dan's touch, a thrill going through him at the use of nails and the way Dan said his name, claiming Phil all over again. He might have once found that horrible, or rude, but knowing that that was how Dan showed his affection when things were getting too close to matters of the heart, when he hadn't yet pushed himself into being open and vulnerable again, Phil didn't mind it. He collapsed back against Dan, his own hand moving up Dan's side's, caressing the skin.
"Protect me," Phil whispered, nosing Dan's neck. "As I protect you.” His lips brushed against Dan’s skin, and he pressed a quick kiss there, gentle as ever. His eyes fluttered closed as he held tight to Dan. He wanted nothing more than to believe that they would both come home safe from this adventure they were about to go on, but there was still something niggling at the back of his mind, a thought he’d had just that morning.
“Can I ask you a question?" Phil asked, waiting for Dan’s hum or approval before continuing on. "You promised my family to bring me back alive. That doesn't mean at the expense of your life, does it?" he asked, voice hushed as his palm spread over Dan's skin, took in the softness of him, the way it felt to be able to touch another human being. He nosed up against Dan's jaw once again, and then adjusted his head, looking up at Dan with something like fear in his eyes. "I know you, or I think I know you, but I don't want you to ever put me before yourself if it means you getting yourself killed."
Dan couldn't help but stiffen a little when Phil asked if he could ask Dan a question. Dan's first instinct was to fear the worst - that this soft moment between him and his Prince couldn't last, that Phil was finally going to ask Dan something that he couldn't answer, or at least not in a way Phil would like. Dan's mind raced with possibilities, thinking how many terrible things Phil could ask him - not least the truth of Phil's Uncle's death, which Dan really did not want to divulge.
He relaxed, then, and even gave a small laugh, when Phil's actual question was of a much kinder nature. He simply asked whether Dan intended to protect Phil's life over his own, if it came down to it. The question was still serious, as Dan could tell by the worried look in Phil's eyes when he looked up at Dan, reiterating that he didn't want Dan to get killed, but there was such a protective nature to it, betraying just how much Phil didn't want to lose Dan. Dan felt his heart expanding in his chest until he feared it would burst.
Dan chuckled again, low in his throat, and tightened his grip around Phil until he was hugging Phil tight against his chest. "You fool," he murmured fondly, and brought a hand up to tangle in Phil's hair. "I don't want to die for you. I'm not saying I wouldn't, if the situation came to it - don't argue with me, the life of a Prince will always be worth more than the life of a thief - but I would much rather we both survive." Dan tipped his head back a little as Phil nosed at his jaw, and he gave a happy little sigh. "Such a fool, my Prince. I'm not going to let either of us die, and certainly not by a dragon, of all things."
It felt good to have Dan tightening his arms around Phil, chuckling as if Phil's question was ludicrous. It helped Phil to relax, the fear that had been plaguing him since before they'd left the Castle finally being settled a bit.
Until Dan kept talking, of course.
It didn't matter that Phil was the most comfortable he'd ever been, didn't matter that Dan had a hand threaded through his hair, didn't matter that Phil didn't want to pop their bubble of bliss. Hearing Dan say that the life of a Prince meant more than a life of a thief, whether or not he bookended that with the reassurance that Dan had no plans on either of them dying, not only broke his heart but pissed him off, and Phil sat up against Dan, pinning Dan’s lower half with his own weight by sitting on top of him.
The glare he sent at Dan was the worst Phil could muster, and he reached down to punch Dan in the shoulder the same way Dan had done to him when Phil had nearly walked into quicksand back there, in Dan’s desert. He was absolutely seething as he stared at his - his - person, his heart beating rapidly in his chest.
“No. Fuck you, Dan. Don’t you dare say those words to me,” he hissed, teeth gritted as Dan stared up at him in surprised awe. “Your life is just as important as mine. If it comes right down to it, you let me die,” he continued, his voice a low growl. Uncaringly, Phil pulled his arm back and punched Dan in the arm, because the idea of Dan dying for Phil, leaving Phil, not least of all because he didn’t think his life was important enough, killed him.
“I’d be more willing to accept that you couldn’t live without me than that you didn’t think your life meant enough in this world. You are just as good, just as important as me, Daniel Howell, and I will personally kill you myself if you ever let yourself leave me for something as - as - ridiculous, as that.”
Phil's chest was heaving, and he thought he could feel the tears prickling again, but he didn't shift away from Dan, just continued to glare at him as he grit his teeth. He realized his words might not make so much sense, but he thought he might have gotten his intent across clearly enough for Dan to get it. Phil wouldn't accept Dan thinking himself less than Phil.
Dan's eyes widened when Phil sat up, pinning him in place, and punched his shoulder hard. He blinked, shocked. Phil was speaking so passionately, as if he truly meant what he said, and his tone brooked no argument. He was adamant that Dan was worth as much as him, that they were equal. That was so rare for their world, and also just not true - if Dan returned without Phil, he had no doubts at all that the royals would not look kindly on him. Losing a Prince, one of the royals, was so, so much worse than losing a thief.
Never mind that Dan literally couldn’t imagine leaving Phil in danger and not doing something about it. He’d promised Phil’s mother that he’d bring Phil back safe. Dan was not one to break his promises.
But still, the fact that Phil was willing to literally punch him to show how much he didn’t want to lose Dan… Phil must truly care about him, then, if he was so passionate about Dan's survival.
Dan knew he couldn't let that stand, though. The thought of living in a world where he'd let Phil die was completely unthinkable, and he had no desire to allow that to happen.
So Dan narrowed his eyes right was back at Phil.
"That's a nice ideal world you're living in, Phil. Do you think your parents would forgive me if I brought you back dead?" Dan's words choked a little, his voice cracking at even the thought. His eyes hardened. "As if I would let that happen. We are equal, Phil, yes, but I will not lose anyone else in my life. You hear me? I'm not letting you in this much just to go and lose you."
Dan's tone was final, and he turned to stare determinedly up at the ceiling, past Phil's shoulder. He didn't want to fight with his Prince, but he could sense a disagreement coming, and it made his heart sink. He didn't want to burst their little bubble, not yet, no matter how much the world was against them.
Phil was choking up, blinking hard to try and keep himself from crying, able to feel the lump forming in his throat. He'd never, not once in his entire life, cared for someone the way he cared for Dan. He'd never thought he could have this, and the idea that he might lose everything was tearing him up inside. But Dan was right. As he spoke, words nearly as venomous and passionate as Phil's, Phil realized where he was coming from, what they were up against, and he let a little sob break through at the reminder that, at least in their society, Phil was above Dan. In the end, if Dan were to allow Phil to die… Dan’s life would be forfeit, whether Phil thought that fair or not.
More than that, though, the last thing Phil ever wanted to do was force Dan to lose another person he cared for, no matter how much he didn’t want to lose Dan. It was just… Phil needed to make it clear that he would rather be dead than live without his thief. The biggest problem was - it seemed the same was true for Dan, and that made it all the harder still, because Phil had this terrible feeling in his gut that if it came right down to it, the person throwing themselves into the line of fire first… would be Dan.
Phil couldn't let that happen.
With eyes burning with tears, Phil shook his head vehemently at Dan, and leaned in close to him. He was not going to let this go without a fight. Not so carefully, Phil moved his hands to grip Dan’s wrists in his, and slammed them to the ground, bracing his body over Dan’s and trapping him beneath him. His thief did not even struggle, something that lit a fire inside of Phil, and then he was leaning down and dragging his thief into a fierce, demanding kiss.
His lips were hot on Dan’s, teeth digging into his skin, nipping and sucking and taking as his tongue pushed past Dan’s mouth to devour him whole. His tears were dripping onto Dan’s face, but he didn’t care as he kissed him hard, sobbing into his thief’s mouth and taking all that he could. Dan gave him everything - Phil could feel it in the way he yielded to him, fingers shifting into fists under Phil’s hold, body pressing up into Phil’s to reassure him that he was here, and alive, and Phil’s.
The way Dan touched him, even without the use of his hands, reassured Phil that this man belonged to him, and slowly, the kiss turned from demanding anger, to soft, desperate love, Phil whining soft cries into Dan’s mouth, panting against his lips, and just trying to… take.
The King of Thieves belonged to Phil Lester, and there was no way in hell he was ever going to give that up.
By the time Phil pulled away from Dan, his grip was bruising, desperate to shackle Dan to him.
“Then we’re not going to die,” Phil insisted, voice broken but hard. “Neither of us, because I am not losing you when I only just found you.”
Dan gasped a little from the ferocity of Phil's kiss, from the sheer, deep, true emotion behind it. He could feel Phil trembling against him, sense a hold hard enough to hurt against his wrists as Phil held him pinned to the ground. Dan had absolutely no desire to move, but he wasn't sure he could break Phil's hold even if he wanted to.
This was strange, for Dan - to feel so loved by someone else, held so dear to someone that the thought of losing him made them react like this. Dan couldn't really remember a time he'd felt love quite like this - and it physically hurt. It hurt, because he wanted to take Phil away from every danger, to stay with Phil in a quiet little corner of the world away from any horrors, and yet, that seemed impossible. Especially now, when they had a Princess to save.
Dan wriggled his fingers a little, shifting in Phil's hold until he got Phil to release one of his wrists, and then his hand went straight to Phil's cheek, holding him in place as Dan looked at him firmly. "As I said - I have absolutely no intention of letting either of us die. You said you'd trust me, my Prince - trust me to keep us safe. Us, together, equally. I'm not going to let you die, but I don't have any plans to die for you, either."
Dan's tone was stern, but his hand was soft against Phil's cheek. Dan caressed the skin there gently, until he had Phil leaning into his touch. Dan kept his eyes trained on Phil's face at all times, hating the hurt he saw there, the fear hidden away in those intense eyes. "Think of it this way, my Prince - I have survived many situations before, and I always live to tell the tale. Now I have you to protect, I just have extra incentive to live. I promise you - do as I say, and we will survive." Dan's lips twitched a little. "You'll have to get better at obeying me, though."
It was hard, to let Dan go, release his wrist and wait out his reaction, purely because Phil didn't want to let go. He just wanted this entire situation to be over and done with, for both of them to be safe and to act as if nothing was wrong. If only there were another way to get that dragon scale, to save his family, without putting either of them at risk. Not for the first time, Phil once again wished he wasn't a prince, that he didn't have duties to a kingdom he half hated half the time, the he and Dan had been handed a different lot in life.
He nuzzled into Dan's hold on his cheek, too scared to close his eyes, and let the tears drip down some more, because what else could he do? Dan wanted him to trust him. Phil did, he really did, but he just wanted things to be perfect and okay. Anything could happen with a Dragon. They were ancient beasts, and they hoarded treasure. They were unlikely to be happy about two grown, armed men walking into their lair, whether they intended to steal their treasure or not. Perhaps their scales meant just as much to them at their treasure.
Fingers tightening on Dan's other wrist, Phil nodded, letting out a watery laugh at Dan telling him to obey him better.
"I'll do anything for you," he insisted, shaking his head and finally closing his eyes. "I'd do anything to stay with you. Don't let me go, no matter what,” Phil begged. “I swear to you, we'll get through every hurdle thrown our way. I don't want to lose you."
Phil's words washed over Dan, and for the first time, he let himself truly believe them. He imagined, for a moment, that what Phil was saying was true - that he'd truly do anything for Dan, go anywhere with him, work to keep him safe and happy. And much to Dan's shock, he felt an odd burning in his throat.
Someone legitimately cared about him, someone he wasn't related to or stealing for or giving handouts to. Someone actually wanted Dan for Dan.
The thought was almost too precious to bear.
Dan swallowed thickly, blinking. The hand on Phil's cheek traced down slowly, wiping away his tears before moving along his jaw and down his neck, until Dan could touch the locket hanging about Phil's neck - Dan's locket. It looked right, there - a reminder that Dan was tied to someone else, tethered to this place by his connection with another person.
The best kind of connection possible.
Dan shivered a little, and despite the serious nature of their conversation, he could feel a smile beginning to spread slowly across his face. He splayed his fingers against Phil's shoulder, and let out a small bubble of laughter.
"I'm just happy," he explained softly, eyes meeting Phil's gaze again. There was always so much emotion in Phil's eyes, like they were saying so much more than Phil could put into words. Dan's smile widened still further. "You actually care about me, don't you? You care what happens to me."
Dan's voice was a little awed, no trace of his usual arrogance. He itched to pull Phil against him again, to nuzzle close, but he wanted to dispel Phil's fears a little more.
"You give me something to live for," Dan murmured, almost too softly to hear, pressing his thumb gently into a mark he'd left on Phil's collarbone earlier. "I didn't think I had anything but hatred and fight left in me, but you - you give me something to live for, Phil Lester."
Phil's heart was in his throat. It seemed like it always was with Dan. Their relationship was just still so new, so fragile with the possibility to break. There was trust between them, but it wasn't as established as it could be. Phil understood that real trust couldn't form without time, and time was something he knew he could give his thief. Whether he was never believed, Phil would always keep his word to Dan, get him out of any and all situations he managed to get himself locked into, and never give up on the bond they'd formed between them. He would never betray Dan's heart.
Phil shivered as Dan's hand moved down his body once again, over his neck and down his chest until he was settling fingers over the very object Phil now treasured above all else. Phil watched the way Dan's lips trembled, watched the way his eyes went soft and clear, the way he seemed to open himself up in a way he still hadn't fully done, until he was looking up at Phil with eyes wide open, a window to his soul.
Lips twitching himself, Phil snorted out a small laugh, sniffling against his tears.
"I care about you so much. I think I always have, really," Phil whispered in return, nodding his head emphatically, sniffling again. "And I will fight for us," he insisted, nodding assertively.
His heart fluttered, body aching where Dan was pressing his finger, reminding Phil of what they'd done, how they'd sealed themselves together in a different, special way that Phil didn't want to break. Leaning forward, Phil kissed him again, eyes closed as he sighed against Dan's mouth. He moved the hand still pinning Dan's wrist down again, and pushed his fingers through Dan's.
Dan sighed against Phil's lips as he was kissed again and again. He could lose himself to this feeling - of being cared for, of being loved. A part of Dan still recoiled at the word, not wanting to admit to such a strong emotion again after so many empty, lonely years, but being here with Phil made everything seem so easy. It would be easy, to let those words slip out for this Prince with the heart of gold and the desire to do what was right, what was good, to make everyone around him happy.
They kissed for a while longer, a sensation that Phil would never get tired of, and he let his eyes drift closed as he let himself slip into Dan, falling in love with him over and over again. He wanted so much, wanted to stay here forever, but he knew this happy little bubble would have to break eventually, and they'd have to move back to the real world. That was never going to change Phil's plans or his words, though. He'd always want all of this.
"You are my reason to live, Daniel Howell," Phil whispered in return, right against his lips.
Dan gave a little start at hearing his full name spoken aloud again. It brought back memories of his family, memories that were all too prevalent lately as he lay curled up in Phil's arms. Dan linked his fingers with Phil's happily, and then rolled them now he was free, so they were lying side by side on his furs and he could get his head resting against Phil's chest again. He loved to hear the steady beat of Phil's heart, reminding him that this was real.
Phil let Dan move them so they were laying side by side again, sighing as Dan settled his head over Phil's chest again, and relaxed, turning his gaze back to the view from Dan's cave to the starry sky above him once again. He couldn't help it as he wished on those stars that things would be okay, and that they could both return here one day, well and alive.
"I could love you, Phil," Dan mumbled against Phil's neck as he curled his long limbs sleepily around Phil's. His restless night in Phil's bed in the Castle, accompanied with the comfort of being back in his own space, was making Dan's eyelids heavy, despite the fact they’d literally stayed in bed for hours. He nestled as close to Phil as he could possibly get, throwing an arm around Phil's waist and holding him close. "I'll fight for us, too. For our freedom. You deserve so much freedom, you know? Your smile is so much wider when you're away from your duties."
Phil glanced down at Dan, unable to help the smile, as he admitted to being able to love Phil, but didn't push it. He didn't think he was ready to say I love you yet either, despite being certain of his own feelings, and let out a small sigh of contentment instead, wrapping his arm around Dan's shoulders to drag him ever closer. They needed to sleep, and the way Dan was cuddling up to Phil told him he was ready to drift away.
Phil had a feeling he wouldn't be sleeping so soon, but that was okay.
He grinned again at Dan's soft words, and then leaned down over him to kiss the top of his head. "Then perhaps we should fight for both our freedom," Phil whispered to him, kissing his head again. "Sleep, my thief. We have a long month ahead of us," he said.
There were so many thoughts and questions and problems at the back of Phil's head that he knew they needed to deal with, but not now. Not now, not after they'd made love, not when things were still so bright and happy and good. Phil had Dan in his arms, never wanted to let him go, and everything else could wait.
Thoughts of Phil's uncle still plagued him, his heart still ached, but he didn't want to push Dan yet. He wanted to give them both some more time, wanted to let them develop more, and then they could touch the hard issues. For now, as Phil stared up at the night sky, the view more beautiful than anything he'd ever seen before, he just wished and prayed that things would turn out alright.
It didn't take long for Dan to drift into sleep after that, Phil's whispered words accompanying him into his dreams. He was comfortable back on his furs, although he had to admit that Phil's bed had been softer, and the royal silken sheets were more comfortable to wrap up in, as well.
Dan could hardly complain about his sleeping conditions when he had a Phil to cuddle up to, though. Phil was warm and strong and his heartbeat was slow and steady in his chest, reminding Dan that he miraculously wasn't alone. He had someone to stay with him, and he was safe in his cavern, which meant that for once, Dan was allowing himself to completely succumb to sleep, rather than nap with one eye open in case of intruders.
It took a good, long while for Phil to sleep, busy as he was dealing with his own messed up and confused emotions. There was so much happiness in his heart, bubbling forth and wanting to leap right out, but there was pain too, and so much worry. Phil was scared. He was scared for his relationship with Dan, he was scared for the future of his kingdom, he was scared about his own future, and he was scared for his family and the Palace and the Dragon he was about to face. Dan could reassure him all he wanted, Phil could trust him to the end of the Earth and back, but he was still scared.
He didn't know if they would succeed, or what casualties would come if they did, and that was the hardest bit for Phil because he was determined to do all that he could to keep Dan alive with him for as long as he could. He didn't want to lose his thief. He truly, truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.
The sky soothed him, though, as did Dan's steady breaths and the comfort of being wrapped up in someone else's arms, and soon, he found himself drifting to sleep.
Dan slept soundly, relaxed, curled up in Phil's warmth, right through until dawn sent streaks of light angling through his cavern. Dan stirred reluctantly, not wanting to blink open his eyes. Somehow, during the night, he'd lost all of his furs again, and he was lying mostly bare under the crisp chill of the desert morning air. There was a warmth around his waist, though, and a steady sound of breathing in his ear that told Dan he was still in Phil's arms.
Dan smiled, blinking open his eyes to look at Phil, and oh - that was where his blankets went. Dan rolled his eyes a little fondly. He didn't want to disturb Phil just yet, not even to steal back his furs, so Dan settled himself down onto his stomach, content to watch his Prince's face and maybe drift in and out of sleep for a little longer.
Their little bubble was soon to break, as they had a journey to start and an urgency to their mission. But Dan didn't quite want to give up their newfound intimacy yet.
When next Phil woke, he did so with a giant yawn, the early rays of the sun streaking through Dan's cavern warming up his skin already. He felt kind of sticky and sweaty, and realized with an embarrassed start that he had indeed stolen Dan's furs in the middle of the night. Dan was still in his arms though, neck twisted as he slept on his stomach, breathing even but not like last night. It took a few blinks for Phil to realize that Dan was in fact awake, and he grinned, slow and happy, humming as he unrolled himself from his fur cocoon in order to reach out and touch Dan's cheek.
That warm something that had long since settled in him was back, and fiercer than ever. He could still remember the way Dan had looked at him last night, touched him, and it only fueled everything even more between them. Letting his eyes slip closed, Phil bathed in those memories. He'd given up so many firsts to Dan, firsts that he would never forget or regret.
The touch to his cheek roused Dan again, if reluctantly. He was enjoying simply lying on Phil's chest and savouring the moment, listening to his quiet breathing and feeling safe wrapped up in his arms.
Dan shifted away from the touch, his face screwing up. He grumbled something inaudible and shoved his face determinedly into Phil's shoulder, refusing to wake up unless he absolutely had to. There were precious few mornings that Dan could truly indulge himself, and lying in was one of his favourite things to do. Phil was going to have to learn to deal with that.
"Thought I was supposed to be the thief around here," Dan mumbled slightly louder, shifting around just enough until he could recover the furs that Phil had somehow appropriated while they slept. Phil had unrolled himself now, though, so Dan snatched them back and settled under them, pressing his face back against Phil in a show that no, he definitely did not want to get up any time soon.
There was something particularly intimate and sweet about a sleepy Dan who was also incredibly comfortable with Phil now, and Phil couldn't help laughing as Dan shifted about, stealing back his furs, and slumping back into Phil's slide in an impressive show of not being willing to get up. The entire moment was a stark contrast from yesterday morning, and really made it clear to Phil that Dan had actually slept really well here, compared to in Phil’s rooms’.
Pressing his hand into Dan's curls, Phil slipped his fingers through the soft hair and sighed. They needed to get up and start their journey soon, but a little while longer of resting couldn't possibly hurt, right? And besides, Phil hadn't slept that well either.
On the other hand, he also really wanted to get up and explore Dan's cavern, only he wasn't entirely sure Dan would be okay with him doing that on his own, nor was he sure Dan was going to give up his Phil shaped pillow considering the way he kept shifting his head into Phil's touch like he couldn't get enough.
Sighing, Phil allowed himself to relax a bit more instead, deciding he could get up later. For now, he was just going to let himself enjoy the way Dan nuzzled him and showed him a different kind of trust by being so vulnerable to Phil that morning.
Phil didn't drift, however. Instead, he let his eyes cast about the cavern, taking in all the piles upon piles of objects and lines of exotic plants everywhere. There seemed to be some kind of order to the chaos of the room that Phil wanted to go and figure out. He itched to get up, to discover more about his thief, but Dan was so warm and cuddly right then.
Eventually, Phil couldn't take it anymore. Sure, cuddling with Dan had become his favorite thing, but Phil wanted to see, and so he found a way to finagle himself out of Dan's grasp, stood up with an excited grin, and began to explore. He hadn't had the chance last night.
Dan let out a small muffled groan of complaint when Phil disentangled himself, but he was too sleepy to bother with getting up yet. He missed the warmth of his Prince by his side, so instead Dan rolled himself up in the furs until he was cuddled up in a ball, and stuffed his face determinedly in the rough rug they'd been using as a pillow. It still smelled like Phil - that would do, seeing as Phil had seen fit to abandon him.
Dan could hear Phil moving around the room, apparently stopping to take things in, so Dan opened one eye to make sure Phil didn't accidentally fall on something, or trip and hurt himself. He also wanted to check just what exactly Phil might find - Dan kept his most precious things here in his cavern, and although the significance of most of them would be lost on Phil, Dan was still a little worried about being entirely open with someone new.
And yet, as Dan watched Phil moving around his things, he was struck by the notion that this was completely right. Having Phil among Dan's belongings felt natural, and good, and Dan liked to see him there as if he belonged in this cavern as much as Dan did. Perhaps he could pretend, for a while, that Phil belonged in his world. Dan so wished he could be here permanently.
Dan's home contained a lot of priceless objects and scrolls, but very little of the room was actually made up of gold or jewels or other common objects that the thief stored in his cloak. Instead, there were scrolls and crowns and things Phil couldn't even begin to understand. Of course, there was still the occasional jewel, and as Phil moved about he even found Dan's stash of money, but the more he looked around, the more he began to realize just how much of what he stole Dan actually gave away.
It made Phil’s lips twitch up happily as he looked around Dan’s cavern. The room seemed to hold nothing more than Dan’s favorite things, including the beautiful rugs and draperies hanging on the walls, soft to the touch and full of so much beauty and culture that Phil quickly realized Dan just loved art. Dan seemed to love a lot of things Phil hadn’t realized he might be interested in, and he squatted down next to a bunch of children’s toys, all worn out and old.
Something told Phil that Dan hadn’t stolen these items. Perhaps he’d found them. They were too well loved to be anything Dan would steal away. Phil knew better of his thief; he only took from those who had too much, and no rich child would ever allow their toys to become this worn.
Fingers shifting over item after item, Phil eventually lifted up something very familiar to himself, and he gasped a little as he picked up a little stuffed lion, badly made and rough around the edges, but nonetheless his.
Slow smile taking over his face, Phil brought the tiny item up close to his face, and took in the tiny patch under it’s left foot with a small "M" underneath it.
Martyn had made and given this lion to Phil when he was seven years old and having nightmares every night. It had been a toy meant to protect Phil, and he'd lost it when he was eleven and had gone out into the market alone for the first time, wrapped up in a cloak, and tried to pretend he wasn't the prince.
Dan had found it, and somehow it felt like fate that Phil would find it again here.
Dan watched with mild surprise as Phil paused by the selection of toys he had in the corner of his cave, tucked away like the memories that accompanied them. Dan had kept those from when he and his brother were small - before his brother had died. Mostly they were objects Dan had stolen from market stalls to try and make his brother feel better; even then Dan had taken things from the rich stall owners, even if his parents disapproved. Dan had just wanted to give them a better life the only way he knew how.
Dan sat up a little, ready to stop Phil if he had to - he didn't want to reveal too much about his past - but Phil seemed to be fascinated by a small lion. Dan couldn't recall too much about it - one of the collection of toys he and his brother had played with, before everything got too terrible. Dan hadn’t stolen that one, though, he remembered being gifted it by the older boys he used to run with as a child. Dan had kept it, though, as a constant reminder. He didn't want to forget his past, no matter how much he didn't want to talk about it.
Dan was curious why the lion had caught Phil's attention so much, out of all the many mysterious trinkets Dan had in his cavern. So he sat up a little more, still wrapped in furs, and disturbed the silent peace of the morning. "You know, I thought a Prince might have finer taste than that ratty old thing."
Phil was startled out of his reminiscing by Dan speaking up from across the room, and he whipped his head around to look at him. Dan was sat bundled up in his furs, hair a wreck, and eyes glossy with sleep. It made Phil smile again, and he sat up with the lion still in his hands to return to Dan's side with it.
"Fuck off, I have great taste," Phil complained, though he was teasing. He wasn't too offended by Dan's rude comment; after all, the object clearly meant just as much to Dan as it did to Phil if he kept it here in his cavern, exactly where he kept the rest of his most precious items. Playing with it between his fingers and re-memorizing the feel of the tiny stuffed animal that had seen him through some of the worst few years of his life, Phil let his lips quirk up fondly.
"I think I know where you got this," he whispered, and finally looked back up at Dan. "The market place about… ten or so years ago, right? Twelve," he corrected himself, voice quiet. "I've never been much for the finer things in life. Surrounded by money and able to have anything I could ever ask for, ratty old gifts have always been my most treasured items," he explained, and looked back down at the small, tattered old lion plushie in his hands. He'd loved this thing so much.
"This? This right here feels like fate," he continued. "It's mine, Dan. This toy is mine.”
For a moment, Phil didn’t say anymore. He just kind of stared at the toy in his hands, and played with it between his fingers again, enjoying the silent moment between he and Dan, and reveling in the moment of reveal. Then, finally, he turned back to face Dan with a small grin.
“My brother made this for me when I was seven because I used to have nightmares, and when he gave it to me, he said 'This lion will keep you safe, from now on. He'll be like your spirit animal, and so long as you have his spirit with you, no one will ever be able to hurt you again,’” Phil said, mimicking his brothers voice and laughing a little at how ridiculous he sounded. The memory was a fond one, for him. “At the time, of course, I believed him about spirit animals, and I was convinced that this lion was in me. The nightmares started to go away, and I… well, I got braver. I started to get reckless, to feel annoyed at being cooped up at home, unhappy in my roll as a prince��” Phil trailed off, rolling his eyes at himself.
“How cliche, right? But it’s true. Even then, I was unhappy, approached by girls who wanted me for no other reason than my title. I got my heart broken the same year I lost this toy, the same year -” Phil trailed off, sighing a bit, and running a hand through his messy hair. “The first time I ever ventured out into the marketplace on my own, I was in disguise, and I had my lion on me just in case. I thought he’d give me the strength to survive on mine, that maybe I could run away from my own life for just a little while… but, that very day twelve years ago, I was beaten up in a back alley by some boys. Probably homeless, orphans, like you. They stole all my money, beat me so bad I almost didn’t think I’d survive, and left me to die. If I hadn’t managed to crawl home, I don’t know what would have happened, but a Royal Guard found me curled up at the West Entrance and took me inside. He’s one of the reasons I decided to become a guard, you know, because he took care of me and didn’t rat me out to my parents, offered to teach me how to fight…” Phil trailed off again, remembering, and then shook his head. “Anyway. That was the day I lost my lion. It feels like fate that I would find him again with you.”
Dan listened in astonishment as Phil explained exactly why he'd got so attached to the lion out of all the things in Dan's cavern. The story was an incredible coincidence - and Phil called it fate. Dan had never believed in such a thing, instead sure that you made your own destiny, but this was certainly a coincidence of the highest order.
Slightly in awe, Dan watched the way Phil handled the lion with such gentleness and familiarity. He had no doubt the story was true. Dan leaned into Phil's side a little and grimaced at the idea of a young Phil so brutally injured in the marketplace, his first time out in the market. He must have been young, so sheltered, twelve years ago. Dan felt a sudden ferocious burst of protection for Phil, wishing he'd known at the time, had done something to stop it.
"You should keep it," Dan murmured, his eyes fixed on the lion in Phil's grip. "It's yours, then. I recognise your story. I didn't - I - I wasn't one of the ones there," Dan explained hesitantly, wincing at the idea of hurting Phil, even in the past. "But I - ah - I ran with a bit of a nasty crowd, back then. My father never approved, but my brother was tiny and frail so it was easy for me to slip out, and - there was this group of older boys. Thieves and orphans, mostly, but they gave me stuff if I lied for them, taught me how to steal. They gave me that." Dan nodded to the lion, his voice soft. "I gave it to my brother. We played with it, a lot."
Dan let out a low sigh. His and Phil's pasts, which Dan had always thought were so separate, were in fact not quite so different. At least they intercepted at this one point. It made Phil feel more real - as if he could exist here, with Dan.
If there was anything that could make Phil feel even happier that he'd lost his lion so long ago, it was hearing that Dan had given the toy to his frail little brother, and that the two boys had played with it far more than Phil probably had. Phil had always kept it on his person, tucked away in his pants or shirt pockets, keeping it locked up on himself for every adventure he went on. But knowing that Dan and his little brother had probably given it more love and attention, in a way, made Phil's heart swell, and he shook his head at Dan's offer for Phil to keep it.
"No. It's yours, then. I want you to keep it," Phil said. "It holds so much more for you. I - I'm happy you're the one who ended up with my toy," he explained, and took Dan's hand, turning it over so it was palm side up before dropping the stuffed animal there.
Imagining a young Dan running with a rough and tumble crowd even before he'd lost his parents somehow didn't surprise Phil. Even his brother had been a bit of a horrible menace as a child. It was easy for bigger, older boys to make you think they were cool and draw you in, and the fact that Dan had grown up in the worst parts of the streets made it make sense. Still, there was something else Phil felt like he needed to stay.
"You don't have to tell me you weren't there, Dan. I know you weren't. I think I would have recognized you. But it's important that you understand… I never would have blamed you. If it had been you, if I did recognize your face, if you had beaten me to a pulp...I wouldn't have blamed you.”
Dan tilted his head, narrowing his eyes and studying Phil for any kind of falsehood to his words, because surely he couldn't mean that. He couldn't mean that he'd completely forgive Dan for some of the terrible things he'd done in his past.
And yet, there was nothing but honesty in Phil's face and voice. His eyes held a little sadness, or sympathy, or nostalgia for a time long gone, but he truly meant everything he was saying. And that was just shocking to Dan. How anyone could be so gold hearted, to forgive even the worst of crimes done against them personally - Dan would never have believed it before he met Phil.
“You're quite something, aren't you," Dan murmured with a small shake of his head. He glanced down at the lion in his hand, thumbing over the small 'M' printed underneath it - and now assuming that it stood for Martyn Lester was just incredible. Dan's lips twitched. "My brother would be thrilled. He loved to imagine living in the castle - imagine his face if he knew he'd had an actual Royal toy."
Phil flushed at the compliment, ducking his head and reaching up to scratch the back of his neck awkwardly. He wouldn't say he was anything, really. He was just Phil, and he hadn't always been a good person. In fact, he was of the opinion he hadn't changed for the better until he'd faced off against a great thief who'd reminded him that it was the royals’ fault that bad things happened to good people in the kingdom.
Phil nudged Dan's shoulder as he spoke of his brother, lips twitching and face showing that twinge of guilt and pain that gave away just how much he hurt speaking of them. Yet there was a bit of happiness there too as Phil wrapped an arm around Dan's shoulder. He couldn't imagine what it was like to lose his family at so young an age. He could understand how not speaking of them could be the best way to cope. Phil liked that Dan could open up to him, though.
“I shouldn't have been out that day,” Phil added. “I shouldn't have been carrying so much gold. I shouldn't have been flaunting myself the way I was. Maybe it's hard to believe, but I was so cocky. I'd snuck out of the castle for the first time on my own, I was traversing the streets feeling on top of the world and like no one could touch me, and I'd called those boys out for robbing another kid, acting as though I knew more than I did. It was my fault I got beaten up, and honestly, I think I needed to be knocked down a peg," he explained, grinning.
He remembered that day like it was yesterday.
"It even felt just that I'd lost my lion. I was prideful, even more so then. I thought I was better than everyone. I deserved what I got."
Dan frowned at Phil at that. "But, Phil - I don't ever want to think of you hurt. You didn't deserve it. Cocky or not." He smirked a little. "And believe me, I know just how arrogant you can be. No child deserves that kind of pain, though, and you were just a child. I did far worse, and never had such treatment."
Shaking his head, Phil couldn't agree with Dan. Perhaps he hadn't deserved it, but he'd brought the pain on himself, and it had only served to better him as a person, to help him grow up and make same changes to his character. If it weren't for those alleyway boys, Phil might never have met Dan at all, might be as cruel as those he claimed to fight against the same way some of his royal guardsmen were.
"I quite disagree, my thief. How many stab wounds do you have? I think it may be fair to say you've had just as bad a treatment growing up, and deserved it as little as I did," Phil murmured softly, thinking on the stories Dan had told and the wound under his shoulder blade he'd refused to talk about but which made him uncomfortable when Phil touched it.
Dan pursed his lip, conceding that Phil had a point when he compared Dan's stab wounds to his own upbringing. Dan would never say he hadn't had a hard life, because he absolutely had. He just meant that seeing Phil in pain was never ok, and Dan was going to make damn sure it never happened again. Dan couldn't help but smile a little. "Perhaps, Phil. Though I have to say - the idea of you sneaking out of the Castle is really quite adorable. Tiny Phil wanted to see the world, did he?"
Chuckling, Phil nodded his head, pulling Dan closer and resting his chin on top of his head. "Phil has always wanted to see the world. Phil had always wanted to be free," he murmured, and pressed a kiss to the top of Dan's head. "I think perhaps I was just waiting for you, though," he said and chuckled as Dan shoved him a bit, both men feeling quite playful. Phil meant it, though. Having Dan in his life felt like everything Phil had been waiting for.
"Soppy bastard," Dan huffed, though he was grinning. "You'll never turn me soft." His hands were gentle, though, as he reached up to cup Phil's face in his hands and turn him to face Dan, attention right where it should be.
Phil scoffed, rolling his eyes, but he was grinning so wide, because he most definitely had turned Dan soft. He just wasn't going to point that out yet if Dan wasn't willing to admit it. They both knew the truth as it was, and so Phil just grinned to himself, feeling his insides curl with affection.
"I would give you your freedom, Phil," Dan assured him. "If I could - I'd take you everywhere. All the parts of the world you've never seen, or even the parts you have would look different without a Royal escort. You should see them. You should have the chance, I mean, if you want it."
And, simply because he hadn't spent nearly enough time close to Phil yet today, Dan leaned forward to press a small kiss to the corner of Phil's lips.
Allowing Dan to turn him so they were face to face, Phil's grin softened until it just a small, sincere smile, sweet and softened by love. He took in Dan's alluring features, those eyes he'd grown so fond of, and leaned into him, knowing already he wanted all of that. He was going to make Dan take him everywhere. He was going to steal back his freedom, no matter how long it took.
The moment his family was safe.
Dan's lips pressed to the corner of Phil's, and he closed his eyes, breathing out softly. He leaned his forehead against Dan's, leaned his cheek into Dan's hand, and reached up to place his hand over Dan's.
"I do want it," Phil admitted. "And I'm going to take it. But first... I have a duty I must perform," he insisted, knowing and hating the fact that he would be the one to pop their bubble.
Dan sighed, though he'd known this moment was coming. As much as Dan might wish to stay here, in his cavern with Phil where no one could find them, and keep up their happy little world, he knew they had to move. Phil's family were in danger, which meant Phil might get hurt, and hadn't Dan just sworn to himself never to let that happen?
So, Dan pulled Phil in for one more lingering kiss before pulling back with a reluctant sigh. "You're right. Sadly. Come along then, my Prince."
#phan#phanfic#phanfiction#ineverhadmyinternetphase#snowbunnylester#fanfic#fanfiction#dan and phil#writing#fic#fics#steal my heart (steal my whole life too)#chaptered phan
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