#like the impact its having on my mental health is similar to when they kept lifting and reinstating lockdowns i mean im losing it

[nerdie-faerie]

Apparently I don't have classes for the rest of the week so that's fun

[ewan-mo]

On the way home

Sat 30th Sept 2023.

I started yesterday with a visit to the Benedict Medical Centre, a small hospital in a poor suburb of Kampala.   They are continuing to find funding a bit of a struggle.  It was worse in Covid but there are 3 government health centres in the locality who give free medication when they have it, and three or four private-for-profit ones.  Also Butabika Hospital, the main psychiatric hospital, is only about 3 miles away, so many people with a mental illness go straight there. The public perception of mental illness is that it means 'Butabika'. It takes quite a shift to imagine that mental illness can be treated at the level of a small hospital like Benedict Medical Centre.

They are hoping that having a psychiatric clinical officer will enable them to develop a good reputation for mental health care.    JF has sponsored Robin to train as a psychiatric clinical officer.  He has finished the course but has still to get a project approved.  We are helping them to raise the awareness of mental illness and its care in their community and to present the hospital as an alternative to Butabika.

Meanwhile, Joshua and I had agreed to look at the experiences of people with mental illness or epilepsy who have been confined at home, usually by their families. They may be chained, tied with ropes, or left in shackles and sometimes leg shackles as well, then locked in the room and dependent on someone else to prepare their food and attend to their personal hygiene. I would be really interested to know how they think of it all. Are they troubled by traumatic memories? Angry with their families? Resentful about the lost years? Or do they just accept that this is how it is during times when they are ill and troubled or overactive and moveous?

Some of you will remember James, who was kept locked in a dark room, chained by his ankle, from his late 20’s to age 42, about 15 years. When we saw him 6 months after our first meeting, he was being cared for by the team and on treatment, and was totally transformed. James taught me a little of what it can be like for our patients, and his story comes with me whenever I teach on international mental health. 

Joshua and I thought it would be interesting to interview some of the  patients we know who have been in similar situations. He’s made a good start, but the majority of the cases so far come just from Bwindi Hospital. Apparently the research journals get suspicious when that appears to be the case; you may have been making up the details!

I’ve asked our young colleagues to scout around to find us some more, as several thought there were some in their districts. Village health workers from the Village Health Teams (VHT), church leaders and local councillors often know their communities very well and will be aware if there are some individuals hidden in the darkness.

The VHTs remind me of the old wise women of the villages in earlier times in our English landscapes. I can remember some from the villages near where my grandmother lived in Somerset. ‘Aunt Em’ and ‘Aunt Cis’, for example. They knew all the local remedies, the herbs and potions that could help with everyday ailments. I’d quite like to talk with them again now, but they have long gone.

When Joshua and I talk, we find our conversation ranges far and wide beyond clinical matters. He’s not short of opinion on some of the political shenanigans that go on in Uganda and from his stories I learnt some fascinating details. He’s interested in English politics too though even he, who has long experience of goings on in Africa, was a bit surprised at the thinking and impact of Liz Truss. And indeed her very short tenure as our prime minister. Uganda’s current president has been in charge for 37 years. Just imagine….

Joshua is a great friend to Jamie’s Fund. He has years of experience in mental health research, and trained as an mhGAP Master Trainer in Geneva (and Italy!) directly under the auspices of the World Health Organisation. We have been very fortunate to have him and his support in our training programmes which have been making such a difference across Uganda. 

Market day at the roadside.

Hassan later drove us down to Entebbe where we had a late lunch in a café we have known for some years.  It has a lush green garden.

A metal baboon in the garden.

We were then dropped at Guinea Fowl guest house, where we spent time catching up on our computers. They were doing major road works on the residential road outside and I enjoyed watching the machines at work – as I used to do 60 years ago.  Not sure why they have selected this road for such major works – the fact that a number of military officers apparently live on it may not be a coincidence.

A grader at work, even after dark.

We went to the airport late evening and  all went smoothly.  In Brussels I was fascinated to make the acquaintance of a Ugandan dentist who has lived in London for a long time but still comes back to Uganda to see family. Her father is a doctor and her sister is a psychiatrist in UK! 

We changed planes in Brussels and got home late morning today, Saturday.

It has been a very encouraging visit.  Hugh, Linda and Avril have found the same encouragements visiting the hospitals in the west as well.  Although JF is stopping we will continue to visit and have tentative plans to return early next year when six of the PCOs JF sponsored will be graduating.

Thank you for reading our blogs and we hope you have found them of interest.  We have aimed to give you a flavour of what we have been doing.

If you would like to drop us an email, please do using the email the200x100challenge@gmail.com

[the-almighty-gob-john-langley]

So, Today's Skidmarks on the Underpants of Humanity are (26 Feb 2024).....

Would you punt a guess from the cornucopia of British, and beyond news today? Spoilt for choice, perhaps? Well, allow me to help you out then.

Let's begin with the asylum known as Bristol, my adopted, current home city. As I've already written at some length about this in my autobiography 'The Sexual Philanthropist' (out now on Amazon/Kindle - and, 4-star reviewed, by the way), (a) there's little point in repeating it, and (b) I simply cannot be arsed. Suffice to say Bristol is populated by more knobs than Ikea has in its entire UK national warehouse facility. Indigenous Bristolians, by the way, are generally the soundest people you'll find anywhere. You know, good-humoured, easy-going, salt-of-the-earth types who Colston would be proud of if he were alive today, and if it wasn't for the small side issue of slavery, that is. But, we'll not go there, as this was mentioned in yesterday's musings.

No, those I'm referring to are the migrants to this once great city who came here to study for degrees in subjects that result in an 'ology' of one sort, or another, and a myriad of similar fields of study that will enable them to leave university up to their neck in debt for the majority of their lives ahead, and somewhat disappointingly after three, perhaps even four years of non-stop partying, copious drugs, and enough alcohol to float the Bibby Stockholm, they find themselves qualified to serve fries and other sundries in high-end restaurants such as MacDonalds.

Having said that, in all fairness, a great many other people of all ages and walks of life come to reside in Bristol as they've found themselves attracted by national media headlines that extol the many benefits Bristol has to offer, such as the second most expensive city in which to live outside of London, and it's breathtaking public events - such as the Bridewell Riot, the Stokes Croft riot, the random bathing ceremony of Colston's statue, and perhaps by far the greatest public spectacle to be seen in decades - the slow decimation of an entire city centre by a council that's so out of kilter with its population that it's rather like an Ofsted report that tells a school it 'lacks vision', when the school is for the blind. Or, maybe even a broadcaster thinking it would be a brilliant idea to provide a radio service for the stone deaf. Now, I'm by no means a maths genius by a long chalk, but when it comes to the city council on one side of the fence, and its citizens on the other, all three quite simply aren't in any way compatible.

Now, as an isolated case, the city council could be forgiven for its ineptitude and stupidity, if it wasn't for the fact that it's somehow become viral in a way that appears to only infect those who consider themselves better educated than the rest of us poor dopes, and it appears that the better-educated someone is the more of a numpty they turn into because something as simple as common sense seems to evaporate and disappear off into the ether, never to return. Similar to yesterday's spat on Golden Syrup, today it's the turn of Bristol University. Why, you may ask? Because it has decided to remove a dolphin from its logo. Seriously, who even noticed?

I bet students were rocking up to mental health services in their thousands because a minute dolphin on the uni's logo kept them sufficiently awake at night to impact on their studies. Get bloody real! You see, the entire problem boils down to one thing in this city as much as it does everywhere else around the country nowadays, that feelings have overridden plain old common sense, and because that poor little innocent dolphin has connections with Edward Colston the mammal is the victim of the piece. So, taking this lunacy further, let's rule out the sea, boats, and ships, and maybe even demolish the university too so it can be rebuilt in its entirety. Furthermore, every student who passed through the university with a degree should hand it back immediately. Would this then finally satisfy the numptyism for once and all? Well, we can all live the dream, so probably not because the numpties will find something else just as insignificant to focus on.

Sadly, this is a pandemic there is no vaccine for, and if there were, and it was legal, euthanasia would work every time.

[talictries]

friendship vent (agane LMAO)

i didnt say this before because i was too embarrassed LMAO but a little over 2 weeks ago i ruined my best friend of 5 year's 21st birthday by getting way too drunk, breaking up the whole event, and having a ambulance called on me LMAO. i am ok (obvi) but I've always been the one who's leeched off her for emotional support shit (because i have no friends except her lol) and we've had these similar arguments in the past but because it was supposed to be her big day, and it was in front of all her friends from uni and shit, and her family (which had to deal with me and house me for that night) none have ever been this bad.

because my mental health is so shit, she often worries if I've like kms-ed even tho i wouldn't do that. but i gave her space for 2 weeks and finally messaged her today being like yo hope you're well all that shit. she messaged back (a good sign) and we talked for a tiny but but she was like I'm still mad at u abt the party thing but I'm also worried about your mental health.'

and like, sure, i could have just said 'dw I'm all good' and moved on, but in the past 3 years where I've lost all my other friends and family (no one died dw, just stopped talking to friends and family moved far away) I've always kinda leaned on her the most. and over the past few months when my mental health was at its lowest, i could tell she was starting to get anxious just by my mere existence (thinking i was dead or smth) and its been weighing on my mind that she doesn't really need that shit in her life, because her life comparatively is a fuck ton more stressful atm.

so basically i info dumped (not a slay) and was like look i was giving u space, but I've been thinking about our friendship which i am the one who always messes up, and ik we've had a few conversations abt it before but i just wanted to state my piece. already from my side this has been a slightly unhealthy relationship because i know i am far too dependant on you, and i don't want this turning into a more unhealthy friendship because before that was a v internal me thing whereas now its actually impacting your life. so i love our friendships and its happy moments but i want you to really evaluate your life and make the final decision as to if you want me in it or not. maybe not for a few weeks, or moths, or ever, but i feel guilty that YOU feel guilty about it.

and ik it isn't my place to dictate her feelings or whatever but now i fear if i just kept my mouth shut we'd be on the path to getting back to normal. but at the same time, if i didn't say this then i feel like I'm mental-health-trapping her because she thinks if she leaves me ill kms??? like baby trapping but not really. anyway idk. she said 'this is a lot, i need time' which is totally fair and i will give it to her, but honestly now i feel I've been TOO real and she'll be like 'yeah i actually don't need talic in my life' and that may send me spiralling because i have zero support systems (apart from ao3 LMAO) without her.

oh well. if it works out it will, if it doesn't then its better for both of us in the long-run ig. just sad I've ruined another 5 year long friendship because of my alcoholic clingy stupid mental-health-issue-ridden ass.

lol

im ok dw. i truly want what's best for her and if its a life without me then i accept it. i will not be selfish and take more from her like i have. besides having zero friends will legit make me go out and make more because i die without social interaction (i say not showing up to uni for the third day week in a row because I'm lowkey agoraphobic and high-key depressed)

slay. perhaps i will write the most gut-churning sad angst to cope

[crowdvscritic]

crowd vs. critic single take // ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST (1975)

Note: This is a modified version of a review originally written for ZekeFilm. Photo credits: IMDb.com.

Randall P. McMurphy’s (Jack Nicholson) latest run-in with the law has sent him to a mental hospital. At first, he breathes life into a sterile world built on schedules, routine, and negative reinforcement. For the first time in who knows how long, his fellow patients are living a little, but any hope the colorful Randall brings to this white and khaki world is challenged by the orderly (literally and figuratively) Nurse Ratched (Louise Fletcher). She sucks up the breeze Randall blew into the first half of the film and turns Cuckoo’s Nest into a tragedy born of her rigidity.

CROWD // If you want to have fun at the movies, skip the 1970s! 

Yes, I’m well aware my take is in the minority for film fans. I’ll never deny the artistry and impact of movies like The Godfather, The Last Picture Show, M*A*S*H, Saturday Night Fever, and Taxi Driver, but I also can’t deny many of the decade’s essentials leave me feeling miserable thanks to dark themes, serious subject matter, and long runtimes. And thanks to this Best Picture Project, I get to add One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest to that list!

While the first half of the film finds comedy in its quirky characters and the most dysfunctional boat heist of all time, it’s not long before McMurphy and his friends’ story turns bleak. We’ve made progress in how we talk about and treat people with mental health issues since Ken Kesey’s novel was published in 1962, but Cuckoo’s Nest is haunting because it speaks to more than its literal setting. Though most of us will never live through situations so extreme, we’ve all had to shed bits or our identities to conform for our own protection in one way or another. I put on 2002’s Best Picture nominee The Pianist while I wrote some of this, and I found the Holocaust drama put me in a mood similar to when I was watching the 1975 Best Picture winner. Both stories are built on authoritarian power structures surgically extracting undesirable people from a larger society, and the only hope for survival within them is falling in line and no longer thinking for yourself. Ratched stamps out individuality and punishes dissent with physical torture so upsetting I don’t even like looking at the pictures of her. 

POPCORN POTENTIAL: 5/10

CRITIC // Even if Cuckoo’s Nest kept me up past my bedtime because it wouldn’t stop rattling around in my mind (if you’ll pardon the crude expression), I won’t attempt to discredit its Oscars legacy. The directing and screenplay are taut as the hospital cornered bed sheets, Nicholson is at the top of his game (winning his first Oscar), and Fletcher’s icy performance is subtler and more believable than I expected. Bonus: The supporting performances from Danny DeVito and Christopher Lloyd have only aged well as they’ve become more beloved performers since this release. Cuckoo’s Nest is also a member of the exclusive Big Five Winners club (Best Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, and Screenplay) with It Happened One Night and The Silence of the Lambs. Arguably more significant, it beat out a Best Picture nominee considerably more fun (and more important to the history of modern movies): Jaws. (The other contenders were Barry Lyndon, Dog Day Afternoon, and Nashville. What a year for you ‘70s cinema enthusiasts!) Though Jaws may be more top-of-mind half a century later, it didn’t need the Oscar win to cement its legacy—Cuckoo’s Nest is a powerful essential of the decade, and its Best Picture win ensures it won’t be forgotten to time.

ARTISTIC TASTE: 10/10

[thesibfiles]

Courtney going on tour right after?

Theres a misconception that after Kurts death, Courtney went straight on tour right away. This is false. The album was already set to release a few days after and they couldnt change that on such a short notice. Promotion for the album was cancelled and she pushed back the tour 4 months.

“Live Through This was supposed to provide Love an opportunity to step out from her famous husband’s shadow. “It’s annoying now, and it’s been annoying for nine years, Love said in a 1999 Jane Magazine interview of always being connected to Cobain. Released four days after Cobain’s body was found, the album’s promotion was put on hold. Rather than retreat from the public eye, Love openly mourned and helped fans of Cobain and Nirvana make sense of the singer’s death. She sat with grieving teenagers gathered outside the couple’s Seattle home and recorded a reading of parts of his suicide note that was played at the singer’s memorial that gathered near the Space Needle. In the days following his death, Love showed a very raw and emotional side and admitted that, like many fans, she didn’t have all the answers. 

It was, and still is, impossible for people to discuss Live Through This without noting the irony of the album’s title. Love has said the name was not a prediction at all, but instead a reflection of all she had endured in the months leading up to its release, including a very public custody fight with the Los Angeles Department of Family Services over daughter Frances Bean. Rumors suggested that Cobain had written much of Live Through This (it’s Miss World, not Mister, just FYI). “I’d be proud as hell to say that he wrote something on it, but I wouldn’t let him. It was too Yoko for me. It’s like, ‘No fucking way, man! I’ve got a good band, I don’t fucking need your help,’” was Love’s response to critics in Spin’s oral history of Live Through This. Love and Cobain often shared notebooks and lyrics with each other, and while there is talk of Cobain’s influence on Love’s work, or the writing of all of it, less is mentioned in the press of her impact on his lyrics and music. Rather than sucking all the life out of Nirvana or threatening the success of the band, like many assumed she would do, she inspired Cobain. Fun fact: In Utero, Nirvana’s last album, was named after a line from one of Love’s poems.

Sadly, songwriting rumors would be replaced by other rumors. Women are often vilified and condemned for the deaths of their male partners. Love, like all women, was supposed to save her partner from death and addiction. Fans of Cobain projected all their anger and resentment over the loss of the Nirvana front man onto Love, and soon she was blamed for not only his addiction but also his death. There are even two movies devoted to the theory that Courtney killed Kurt: the awful Soaked in Bleach (2015) and the equally awful Kurt & Courtney (1998). If you think we’ve come a long way, baby, sadly we haven’t. 

One year after Anthony Bourdain’s death, Asia Argento is still being blamed, and in September 2018, Ariana Grande had to take a break from social media after fans blamed her for the death of her ex Mac Miller. A few months later, she would be blamed for new beau Pete Davidson’s mental health and addiction issues. It’s amazing she finds the time to write hit songs what with all the dude destruction she has going on. When women are not being blamed for the deaths of the men in their lives, they are being attacked for not grieving properly. “She wasn’t crying. She’s got $30 million coming to her. Do you blame her for being so cool?” a hospital staffer said of Yoko Ono following John Lennon’s murder in 1980. 

About four months after Cobain’s death, Love went on tour to promote her new album. Some questioned and judged why she would go on tour so soon, but Love has said it was a necessity. She had a young daughter to support. She needed to work. She also, sadly, still needed to prove herself. “I would like to think that I’m not getting the sympathy vote, and the only way to do that is to prove that what I’ve got is real,” Love told Rolling Stone in 1994.

Twenty-five years later, Cobain’s death still hangs over Live Through This. In the days leading up to the anniversary of Cobain’s death, former Hole bassist Melissa Auf der Maur wrote an open letter to music magazine Kerrang saying she “would not stand for Kurt’s death overshadowing the life and work of the women he left behind this year.”

“We were extremely well designed for each other,” Love has said of her relationship with Cobain. In a letter reprinted in Dirty Blonde: The Diaries of Courtney Love, she calls him “my everything. the top half on my fraction.” The two had similar upbringings, both came from broken homes and spent childhoods shuttling between relatives and friends. They both grew up longing for love and acceptance. When we tell the story of Kurt and Courtney we talk about drugs and destruction, but we don’t talk enough about love.

The two also shared an intense drive and ambition. “I didn’t want to marry a rock star, I wanted to be one,” Love said in a 1992 Sassy interview. Evidence of her drive can be found in the many notes and to-do lists she kept, some of which are collected in Dirty Blonde. There are reminders to send her acting résumé to agencies, to write three to four new songs a week, to “achieve L.A. visibility.” A scene in the documentary Kurt & Courtney features an ex of Love’s reading from one of her to-do lists, which has “become friends with Michael Stipe” as the number one task to complete (not only did Love do this, but he is her daughter’s godfather). This ambition is not surprising from a woman who, when she was younger, mailed a tape of herself singing to Neil Sedaka in hopes of getting signed. Love knew what she wanted at an early age, and what she wanted was fame.

She was certainly living by the “do not hurt yourself, destroy yourself, mangle yourself to get the football captain. Be the football captain!” motto she championed in the 1995 documentary Not Bad for a Girl. Ambition is often a dirty word when it is used to describe women and Love is no exception. She has been repeatedly described as calculating and controlling when she should be rewarded for her blond ambition and viewed as an inspiration. Critics and the press often call her a gold digger who only married Cobain for fame and money. They fail to mention that when the two met Pretty on the Inside was actually selling more copies than Bleach, Nirvana’s debut album. Even post-Kurt, Love’s intentions were always under scrutiny. On the Today Show to do press for The People vs. Larry Flynt, Love refused to talk about her past drug use, despite the host’s repeated questions, saying the topic was not an appropriate fit for the show’s demographic. She was right, but it didn’t stop a writer from describing the move as “calculating” in a 1998 Spin piece.

Cobain was ambitious too; he was just much slyer and more secretive about it. He was known to call his manager and complain when MTV didn’t play Nirvana’s videos enough, and he would correct journalists who misquoted the band’s sales figures in interviews. While success is typically celebrated and rewarded for men and it certainly was for Cobain, he also had to be mindful of the slacker generation that loved Nirvana and greeted success — and especially mainstream success —

While female celebrities like Love are criticized for their rebellion, male celebrities, like Cobain for example, are celebrated and mythologized for it. Cobain and Love both struggled with addiction, but it is Love who is repeatedly vilified for her drug use. “She was vilified for being a mess, for being a drug addict, for not being a great parent — in other words, all of the things we expect in a male rock star,” said Bust magazine in a piece in the magazine’s 20th anniversary issue, which featured Love on the cover.

We make jokes about the drug antics of male celebrities from Keith Richards to Charlie Sheen, idolizing their debauchery and depravity. The new Netflix/Lifetime movie by Jack Daniels, The Dirt, about Mötley Crüe, takes the band’s excesses to almost comic levels. Check out crazy tourmate Ozzy Osbourne snorting a line of ants by a hotel pool! Such zany antics! I would love to see Lindsay Lohan try to get away with that. We never allow women to live down their arrests and their addictions, but we repeatedly allow men to have a redemption arc. Robert Downey Jr. was in and out of jail and on and off drugs for much of the mid to late ’90s, but we rarely, if ever, talk about his past.

When Love isn’t being attacked for her addiction issues, she is being judged for her parenting. Love’s first unflattering press was “Strange Love,” the much publicized 1992 Vanity Fair profile by Lynn Hirschberg. While the piece talks at length about Love’s drug use and constantly questions her parenting ability, it doesn’t paint Cobain in the same light. “It is appalling to think that she would be taking drugs when she knew she was pregnant,” says one close friend in the piece. Hirschberg relies on many unnamed sources and focuses often on the tabloid-like aspects of Love’s life and addictions. “Courtney has a long history with drugs. She loves Percodans (‘They make me vacuum’), and has dabbled with heroin off and on since she was eighteen, once even snorting it in Room 101 of the Chelsea Hotel, where Nancy Spungen died,” she writes. “Reportedly, Kurt didn’t do much more than drink until he met Courtney.” (Even when it is reported by Kurt and Krist that Kurt tried heroin in 1989, way before Courtney, It was also known that he smoked weed and used caugh syrup to get high in 1989 and 1990.)

This double standard was common in coverage of the couple. In Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck, the 2015 documentary by Brett Morgen, Love asks her husband, “Why does everyone think you’re the good one and I’m the bad one?” Later in the film we see a scene of Frances Bean’s first haircut. The child sits on Cobain’s lap while Love searches for a comb and scissors. The camera shows Cobain nodding off, and while he maintains that he is just tired, it’s clear he’s not. The scene is painful to watch, especially because those around Cobain carry on like nothing in wrong, giving the feeling this is just like any other day in the Love-Cobain household. The scene is a reminder of how the press treated Cobain’s addiction when he was alive. They just carried on like nothing was wrong, instead directing all their judgement at Love.

[sunflowervolvimp3]

How do you practice body positivity towards your own body?

okay so firstly i want to say that body positivity is a journey like i am getting better at it but i still have a pretty even mix of good days and bad days!! i’ve been having pretty good days lately with the occasional bad instead of majority bad with the occasional good which is nice but i know this can swing in the other direction really quickly so here is a list of things i personally do to help myself that might help you

treat yourself like a friend. talk to yourself like a friend. if you want to say something hurtful or judgmental to yourself, stop and ask yourself if you would ever say it to your friend, or even a stranger. if the answer is no (which it usually is), then don’t say it to yourself. you have to be your own friend.

remember that your body is a vessel that gets you from point a to point b, and needs food to do so. you do not have to let yourself go hungry to deserve the right to eat. eat when you’re hungry. have a snack if you’re hungry. don’t force yourself to wait until dinner because it’s only a few hours away. i know being hungry feels like an accomplishment, but it’s not when you’re not taking care of yourself.

donate/sell the clothes that you’ve been keeping to wear when you lose the weight. i did a closet purge last summer and got rid of shorts that my mom bought for me when i was 15 that still had the tag on them. i’m 22 now. i kept them for 7 years, hoping that i could one day fit into them. that day never came and i do not miss them. remember that clothing is meant to fit you. you are not meant to fit the clothing.

don’t squeeze yourself into something that makes you uncomfortable, or beat yourself up for something not fitting like it used to. body size fluctuates with life and stress, and this last year has been stressful. bodies are not meant to stay static. 

purchase clothing that you feel good in and that fits you properly, regardless of if society deems them right for your body type. try things on. try lots of things on. experiment with style. find what you like and pick what you like, not what someone else has picked for you.

unfollow any influencer that promotes flat tummy teas, weight loss products, and/or any “thinspiration” content. search out people whose body type and experiences reflect your own. i don’t relate to kendall jenner or bella hadid, and following them and others like them directly impacted my mental health. i relate to people like jazzmyne (@/jazzmynejay on insta) and nicole byer (@/nicolebyer on insta), and hearing their stories that are similar to mine bring me comfort

(i also recommend nicole’s podcast “why won’t you date me,” where she discusses her dating history and experience with a variety of guest stars every week)

tiktok can also be a useful place to find people that are relatable, using the hashtags #midsize and #plussize. if you want fashion inspo from people who look like you, i would recommend looking through those tags. i personally follow @/courtneycoppa_ and @/officialmacrose for these very reasons

when you feel good, document it. take selfies. take artsy photos. take nudes (18+). save them in a private folder just for yourself and look at them if your confidence dips low again.

send selfies to someone you know is going to hype you up. let them hype you up. do not be modest about it.

remember that you do not have to be a certain size or look a certain way to deserve existence and appreciation. you do not owe society the beauty standards its chosen to impose on you.

that’s all i can think of right now!! those are the ones i try to stick to on a daily basis but if i can think of any others i’ll add them!!

[the-lightning-strikes-again]

Personal Thoughts on Pacific Rim: The Black (2021)

I watched season 1 of Pacific Rim: The Black, which released to Netflix on March 4! I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting much, after disappointments with the movie sequel. But the Pacific Rim franchise means a lot to me, so I wanted to give it a try. I’m very pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed this new show and connected with it in various ways. And given how wild my own life has been lately, it was really nice to get lost in something that validated the importance of different kinds of connections, and to not close down when the going gets tough or hard to explain.

PRTB is a pretty emotional, angsty story, and it’s not afraid to explore that over the full 7 episodes. The stakes are high, involving the loss of friends and family. So the characters have a real investment in what they’re doing and why they’re fighting.

The grittier tone of the show is a deviation from the movies, which maybe some people would like or dislike more. I think the seriousness helps to balance out having (yet again) inexperienced teenage protagonists. But the show does still get some fun scenes and quips in, and our main jaeger has a snarky AI who provides both humor and critical thinking checks for our protagonists, which is nice.

I liked the 2013 movie because it showed all of humanity coming together to fight a common enemy. Here, there’s enemies and allies on both sides of the Kaiju war, and even some who are in-between. This is a stronger nod to reality while decreasing the fun fantasy violence of the 2013 film. I don’t think this is inherently a bad thing for this series to do, because a series has a lot more space/time to fill than a movie, and even the 2013 film showed that there were significant cracks in the so-called “unity” that the Pacific Rim universe outwardly celebrated. In the midst of the 2013 movie’s talk about countries setting aside old rivalries, we still had politicians who didn’t care, criminals capitalizing off pseudoscience and unsanctioned nuclear weapons deals, religious sectors rising up to worship the title enemy, people being forced into dangerous jobs to keep from starving to death, the rich and powerful experiencing minimal lifestyle impact vs. poor people being abandoned to die or surviving through precarious means, and even toxic hero worship and intriguingly, the glorification of violence for entertainment and toy sales. So in this new show, we’re really seeing the movie’s cracks expanded and focused on. It’s even more front and center, given that the rest of humanity sees Australia as a lost battlefront and has deemed so many left behind as worth less than the effort it’d take to rescue them. So maybe a part of me misses the cool concept of human unity from the first movie, but even that movie was trying to tell people that unity is an illusion. Here, it’s just so front and center that it can’t be ignored in favor of robot fights, and I actually liked that immediate boldness.

(review continued under the cut)

Some of the details feel AU or divergent from what I remember of the movies, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing to me, so long as the show itself can be internally consistent. Transformers franchise spent forever trying to created an aligned continuity to no avail, so it’s not a detraction for me if Pacific Rim franchise wants to just flail in its own playground too.

The animation style grew on me as time passed, as it worked well for animating jaegers and Kaiju even if humans seem a bit stilted. It better captured a sense of scale compared to the sequel film, and the jaegers felt actually integrated in the animated physical space (something I really struggled with in Uprising). The sense of scale is not as good as the 2013 film. But then this show has a significantly lower budget and is a very different medium, so it was easy enough for me to accept it for what it is and to be glad that we got anything halfway decent, really.

The pacing could have been better across the different points of conflict, but honestly if no adult questioned or tried to undercut a couple of teenagers piloting the last active jaeger on an entire continent, that would have felt even more jarring and unbelievable to me.

I think Pacific Rim as a franchise has never been about reinventing the wheel when it comes to characters. But I was definitely interested in the topical similarities between the movie’s Mako Mori and the show’s Hayley Travis. They both do things in want to help/prove themselves, which results in an incredible backlash that they have to emotionally work through and overcome. In comparison, Raleigh Becket and Taylor Travis are both fairly static supporters, but when their hope drops out, it’s Mako and Hayley who kick in with other options, more energy. If we get a season 2, I’d be curious to see how the show further differentiates and humanizes these new characters. 

The 2013 movie had main characters who were very significantly traumatized. So having protagonists in the show who are very significantly traumatized as well didn’t feel like a distraction to me but instead just a nod to the franchise and how it’s closely tied with struggles to obtain mental health and connection. I’d be more worried if the teenage protagonists were people who consistently don’t think of consequences or who don’t take an apocalypse or immense power from a jaeger seriously...

PRTB definitely earned its TV-14 rating. It can be gritty and dark at times, but coming out of several TV-MA shows, the way it’s visibly handled on the human side is a nice break and sometimes even more emotionally effective than if extremely gory scenes were shown. I’m a little hesitant to get too emotionally attached to any character for future seasons, though, given this rating.

Some scenes were more personally engaging to me than others, but I’ve watched several shows lately where I couldn’t stand to actually finish them or was checking to see how much more time was left. With PRTB, I kept wanting to see what happened next, and time really flew by with some episodes.

The Kaiju shown are incredibly diverse, with some really cool designs. There’s something in here I’ve been wanting to write a fic about/daydreaming about since 2013 and this show actually does the thing in its own way, so I was personally excited about that.

If this show gets a season 2, I’d love to see our protagonists meeting up with more people from all walks of life and exploring various ways people have survived and maintained or redefined a culture in this post-apocalyptic world.

There’s an element of “connective regret” in this show that really personally spoke to me, given that I’ve lost a lot of people in real life suddenly. Like, you assume people will always be there until suddenly they aren’t, and that fact of life can really destabilize a family or found family. This show doesn’t shy away from trying to validate that stress, or from validating how important healthy connections still are in the face of loss or decoupling from other toxic relationships.

Mental health relapses, trust issues, and survivor’s guilt are also a thing in this show, which I found really interesting, and that was something we really only had time to see in small measure in the 2013 film.

I still have some worldbuilding questions, but honestly I clicked on this show hoping for a good time to lose myself in—and I feel like I received that in this season. So I ended the show feeling like, actually excited to talk about it with other people.

There’s plot twists and characters I want to flail about so bad, but that would involve dropping very significant spoilers here, so maybe I better hold off for now. 

But yeah, if anyone else watches this show, please feel free to reach out and flail with me about it!

[whosaysitsfantasy]

Juke/Maddison & Charlie

So I just want to address something about Juke and then I’m literally not going to talk about it again, because I’ve seen a few posts about people shipping the actors and then people hating on the ship a little bit because of the age gap and it’s just been frustrating me so I wan’t to kinda get this out and then just get back to enjoying the show. Also Apologies if this upsets anyone but these are my opinions and you in no way have to agree with them I just ask that you read my thoughts fully before passing judgment and to please be respectful.

Here is what I think it is ok to do:

Shipping Luke and Julie together. Why? Because in the show they are both teenagers (16/17). I saw someone say it was kinda gross because the boys should be like 42? which I think is a little ridiculous because if they had lived sure they would have been 42 or w.e. but they didn’t... they died, and it is  canon that to them no time has passed. What this means is that the boys are still mentally, emotionally and physically 17 years old. For this reason the characters are perfectly capable of being together and their biggest obstacle remains Luke being a ghost lol. 

Here is what I think it is NOT ok to do: 

Shipping Maddison and Charlie together in real life. Now I’m going to break down for you why this is gross and not ok and why saying “when she’s 18 he can date her” is also not ok. 

A 16 year old and a 22 year old have two completely different maturity levels. A 16 year old can be mature absolutely but that doesn’t mean that they are at the  same maturity level as a 22 year old. I’m 26 and I can tell you that my maturity changed DRASTICALLY between the ages of 16-24. I use to think I was very mature when I was 16. When I hit 22 and looked back at who I was I realized that I was not nearly as mature as I believed I was and now at 26 I can clearly see the differences in who I was as a person at these ages. I can guarantee that most people (if they’re self aware enough) would agree that their maturity level was completely different as a teenager then it was once they hit their twenties. A lot of this has to do with the simple fact that in your 20′s you’ve typically gained more life experience through jobs, and relationships and higher education your brain has also developed more. Now. Maddison is definitely mature for her age in no way am I claiming she isn’t however it is still very obvious through different interviews and lives I’ve seen of her and of Charlie that they are not at the same level. Mentally, emotionally, physically.They definitely have more of a brother/sister friendship. It’s clear that they care about each other and they can of course get a long as friends but friendship and an intimate relationship are two completely different things. Maddison and Charlie’s maturity’s work fine as a friendship but if you were to factor in intimacy and romance it quickly becomes problematic. Some people might still think that the maturity levels don’t matter. I’m here to tell you it does. 

While I don’t think that Charlie would be the type of guy to ever pressure a girl he is with, that doesn’t mean that the pressure would not still exist. If they were to hypothetically date Maddison could easily feel pressured into participating in things she might not really feel ready for like certain intimate acts, parties ect because she want’s to please her partner or because she might feel like this is what she SHOULD be doing rather then doing what she is emotionally and mentally ready for. That pressure can easily influence someone of a young age who hasn’t had many experiences into doing things they eventually regret or doing things that end up having a negative impact on their mental health and the way they view themselves or even how they view healthy/unhealthy relationships down the line. Now Maddison seems smart and has a good support system but your support system can’t protect you 24/7 in an intimate relationship no matter how hard they try which is why a lot of teenagers end up going through something that they end up wishing they hadn’t done because they didn’t know any better. To also say that he can just “wait” for her to turn 18 is just predatory and gross and suggests that it’s still ok to pursue someone of a young age so long as you wait till they are legal which it is not that still means you wanted to be with a minor even if you wait till they are 18.

Also it is important to note that an actors personal life is NONE of your business. An Actors job is to perform in the show/play/movie that they have been hired to perform in and to then promote that project. That’s it. That is all they owe you and anything else is entirely up to their discretion. You are not owed information about their personal lives and you are not owed a say in who they date. If you like two actors who are dating and you think they are cute that’s fine, if they are sharing their relationship and you want to support it that is fine but you have to understand boundaries. I’ve seen fans overstep in a LOT of fandoms (one example being Lili and Cole from Riverdale) where they attack other people for being close to the people in the relationship or they bother the actors to update them about their relationship ect. It’s disrespectful and it’s honestly not your place regardless of if they have shared information about a relationship previously. It’s also not cool to try to pressure the actors into dating, you don’t know what they are actually like irl you have no idea if they are actually compatible you do not have a full picture of the situation and for that reason your opinion should be kept to yourself.

Finally I want to address the whole Luke & Julie kissing issue because I totally understand why people are a little uncertain about it due to the age gap. Now normally I’d be a little put off by it but I am actually ok with the idea of Luke and Julie kissing on screen and I’m just going to list off quickly below why I think it’s ok and why I wouldn’t get upset if it happened.

1. It is very clear that Maddison’s family (specifically her dad) are very involved with Maddison and her job on JATP. Mr.Reyes is often shown on set with her at rehearsals and during shooting. He was there when they practiced the perfect harmony dance which I personally thought was kinda intimate. I feel better about it because I know she has a strong support system who will be there to ensure that if a kiss DID happen she would be safe because she has her family looking out for her on set.

2. Much like above both Kenny and Charlie are very respectful people who very clearly have a lot of respect and love for Maddison. I also don’t think they would ever put Maddison into a position she was uncomfortable with. If a kiss DID happen I am sure there will be a lot of conversations about it and it would be done in a respectful healthy way.

3. This is a job. They are not kissing because they like each other in real life they are not pursuing anything romantically. They are performing a job that they are being paid for in front of a group of people also performing a job. This for me helps me feel less gross about it because even though they are actually kissing it’s not a ‘real’ romantic kiss. It’ll be a staged one that they have gone over and discussed at length with Kenny.

4. This is a Kenny Ortega project. The show has very clearly established that the relationships are about more than physical intimacy. IF we get a kiss between Julie and Luke we are not going to get more then a PG rated kiss.. hell probably more of a G rated kiss. Not only because this is a project by Kenny but because the actors are different ages. It is also unlikely that we will get more then one maybe two kisses a season. I personally don’t think they’re going to make them kiss in season two I think it might happen if we get season 3 but I would still be ok with a season 2 kiss because again it will probably be very simple and very respectful especially cause it’ll also probably be Julie’s 1st kiss. If they were to have them  make out or something that would be when I would  feel uncomfortable, but that just doesn’t seem like Kenny’s vibe. He’s worked with a lot of young actors and it’s not like they’re going to french kiss or something. Kissing is intimate of course but a small closed mouth kiss is honestly pretty innocent in my opinion especially if done correctly. So it doesn’t bother me much.

5. Finally by the time they get around to filming a season 2 or 3 Maddison will also be a bit older (17 or 18) hopefully so she will also be at an age where it will feel more comfortable for her.

So in conclusion: shipping Juke good, shipping Maddy & Charlie bad and wanting Juke to kiss is acceptable so long as they do it appropriately which from what I’ve seen of the cast and the crew I believe they would. I personally have a lot of faith in the creators of this show it’s clearly a very healthy supportive environment and I trust that they know what they are doing. 

Again these are my personal opinions but I felt like some people weren’t really looking at it from a completely logical standpoint but more of an emotional one which is understandable because its a very serious subject matter and it could very well also be a trigger for many people who’ve gone through something similar. I just needed to get all that off my chest cause this kind of thing can breed negativity in fandoms and thats why I don’t participate in them anymore. and listen if this was a different show with a different cast and crew and creator and they had a 16 year old and a 22 year old kissing I would probably find it more unsettling but I think one of the reasons why we all love this show so much is BECAUSE it is so healthy and because the cast are so involved and vocal about the show. I have no doubt in my mind that Maddison would have the space to speak up if she was uncomfortable and I have no doubt in my mind that Kenny and her family would make sure she was safe.

So anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk and please if you disagree that’s totally ok just don’t be hateful, I’m happy to have discussions but I won’t tolerate rudeness cause at the end of the day it’s a show and it’s out of our hands and I’m not saying you have to agree with me. This is just how I feel about these issues. 

Ok thanks bye <3

[transformers-valiant-keepers]

I put so much investment into Roxie and Dadlock lately (I’m sorry) and it's all I ever think about them bc who doesn't love found family tropes. For TFTN, I took in key elements of characters, backstory and lores from IDW and incorporated the ideas into my own for TFTN.

I’ve been listening to Lasting Impression by Silent Descent when writing up Dadlock’s life (which probably fitting).

Trigger warnings for mentions of discrimination, drug use, implied dubcon, medic, shadowplay / mnemosurgery(?), child abuse, depression, implied suicide, ptsd trauma(?). 

I’ll put all of this under readmore

I've been thinking about how much similarities between Roxie and Drift in having to hide certain things about themselves from the society--with Roxie being deaf who has to constantly cover her hearing aids with her long hair, and Drift was a forged triple changer. 

Triple changers cybertronians bear the brunt of discriminations for being so different and the Functionalist Council saw them as a threat to Cybertron's future and the caste systems. Techno-organics also shared the similar reaction for being much different from others and were turned away by Functionalist medics.

It was pretty telling what Drift had gone through in his life… Before Roxie was constructed with his spark, before the Greatsword connected to his spark while unaware of the intentional true purpose in store for him and Roxie later on, and before Dai Atlas took him in to the Samurai clan. 

He did not start off as a good life living on the streets and homeless on Rodion. He was an independent, mostly kept to himself, barely opening up to anyone. He endured survival instincts living on the streets, and learnt self-defence battle protocols to defend himself when necessarily. 

Obtaining Energon for refuel wasn’t easy. He went through a dark place of sleeping rough, hooked on circuit boosters to spare the pain and selling himself for Energon through sexual activities. It wasn’t his choice nor how many times had he lost count when he came close to almost-deactivation from certain outcomes.

He never forgot the time he visited the medibay clinic to be patched up and to feel safe. That was the first time he saw Ratchet.

It was not the vivid life Drift wanted to remember for discussion. He spared the dark details of his early life and post-Shadowplay-to-Autobot’s assassin era from Roxie, because it’s not something he wanted to subject her to that exposure, even for one so young and carefree who was not exposed to the Functionalist era. He only shared his life after Dai Atlas approached and took him in, which changed his life completely, to his life amongst the Samurai clans. Dai Atlas was the closest thing he would call to a Sire. He became familiar with the likes of Cyclonus and Axe.

Axe and Cyclonus became his best friends who later became his Amica Endurae. Axe does not understand the life Drift went through--he had experienced living rough--but he was the only person he could trust enough to vent to. Cyclonus, on the other hand, understood what he went through and offered her shoulder for him to vent.

Crystal City was the safest place it had been in so long for Drift, not counting the fact a particular medical clinic had been relatively safe away from the backend alleys. Everything was good afterwards, he became a trained swordmech. It takes some adjustment for him to get used to sleeping in an actual berth provided for his own amongst other things--including Energon for refuel and to live. He did meet Ratchet, despite them having met long before when Drift lived on the rough streets.

Drift received upgrades to his frame, putting the past behind him to start anew under Dai Atlas’ mentorship, and touching the Greatsword had given him a second chance to move on from his past (obvious to the fact that the Greatsword had chosen him for a reason, or what fate had in store for him).

Becoming a Samurai was the best life-changer for him.

The Functionalists Council had arranged for Drift to be taken and captured (all the while, Pharma had secretly played a part in it) and was taken straight to the Institute where he was subjected to Shadowplay against his will.

Many years later, he eventually discovered Roxie’s existence… and somehow learnt she is his Kindred. And that instinct promptly activated his paternal Sire Coding within both his and Deadlock alter-ego’s programming. 

Life for Drift was royalty fucked up after Shadowplay had changed him into a deadly, fearless assassin with Emperor Nemesis as his handler (this was revealed in Prologue Part One). He was not known as Drift, he became Deadlock--likely a case of an alter-ego formed as the result from his traumas. Before all that discovery, he met Windblade and Perceptor who became two important figures in his life and opened up his spark. As a reminisce of his early days forcing to hide the fact he’s a triple changer, Windblade had to hide her cityspeaker ability whereas Perceptor had to hide his outlier ability and refrained himself from reading others’ thoughts. They hid this from the Functionalists and found themselves form a connetion with Drift after he saved them from unforseen situations. Drift knows what it’s like to hide and pretend, and sworn to sercery to keep both Windblade and Perceptor safe. He fell in love with Windblade and Perceptor--with an emotional deep connection with the young cityspeaker and scientist--but he never got to tell them both after they got separated apart from each others.

Roxie was constructed cold with her spark being a donor from Drift’s, thus forming a strong bond between the two--such bond between a Sire and a Kindred are considered rare in some cases. This is known as Cognatio Endurae.

Though, Roxie… didn’t have a good start after being subconsciously locked away in a stasis pod by the Emperor’s doings. The sad thing is? Drift does not know whether she was physically abused constantly through the bond whenever he was resistant against being controlled, or forced to obey commands, or goes against authority orders--and the thought alone had really broken him.

He tried to save her the first time but was caught out and forced to watch in horror as The Emperor abused Roxie in front of his optics--which played into the triggers whenever he saw Roxie was harmed and he shifted into his Deadlock persona way later on. Yes, Drift and Deadlock alter ego both genuinely care for Roxie. 

Techno-organics were not well-known to Cybertronians until the 22nd or 23rd Century, but one with an organic human DNA is considered rare. Now for Roxie, being a techno-organic and all… it wasn't easy to bring her up. Drift is new to parenting and can be a worrywart over her. His past actually helped him to adapt and care for her--he eventually grows into a better person than he used to be. 

Though, what Drift never prepared for… was Roxie diagnosed with severe hearing loss, aka Deaf / Hearing Impaired, in both audial receptors. He went as far to start his research and how to help her. He is patient and relied on the bond to communicate with her, he taught her to lipread--because he had little knowledge of sign languages. Once they get their servos on functioning Hearing Aids for her, she can hear their voices. It wasn't the best or helpful to her, Drift was relieved she was responsive to his voice like a sense of familiarity to her.

Due to the immense strong bond and prioritising Roxie first before himself, Drift turned off his pain sensors to take in the burdens and sensed her emotions and pains.

But her upbringing had its moments. Roxie hated hearing tests. It made her extremely stressed over the noise levels and the lowest ringing noises were the worst of all. She was a victim to disability discrimination by society, which she was completely shunned out and struggled to make any friends. It did hurt her and her hearing wasn't perfect that the kids relentlessly teased her for her difficulties--the aftermath forced her to cover ears and hearing aids with her long hair to hide her disability. 

She was dejected and left out, unsure whether to question where she would fit in in this universe. Drift sensed this coming through the bond and tried his best to comfort her as a father wanting to understand her. Roxie’s struggles with deafness had impacted on her mental health and she went through a dark place succumbing to negative voices and far too anxious to socialise with anyone.

She would cry herself to sleep with a wish how badly she wanted to hear, and bottled all of her emotions and issues to herself. She found it completely hard to talk or open up about her feelings--even to Drift and Axe. Such intrusive thoughts prone her despair into an emotional crying mess leading to Drift exposed his spark chamber to guide and soothed Roxie out of an anxiety attack keeping her focus onto his calming, pulsing spark and enfolded within his EM field filled with nothing more than a comforting familial love.

Suffice to say, Drift had coaxed gently, without pressuring her, got her to open up to him and listened to her confide in him. One time, she accidentally slammed Drift’s doorwing, which was very sensitive, when her emotions got the best of her during an outburst and of course, Roxie felt completely bad afterwards.

Meeting new people was difficult for her, much less making new friends without the unnecessary attention from adolescent organic males. Due to the society looking down on disabled people, Roxie doesn’t want to let anyone in, something that was passed on from her Sire, without putting her guarded wall down and succumbing to heartaches. She stayed--remained--close to Drift and Wing. She trusts them and they’re the only ones she relied heavily on for their support and speak on her behalf.

Beyond that, there were complications on their welfare over the years hiding on Earth, especially when Roxie’s health was concerned. Her height growth was stunted and slowed throughout her activated age. (At eighteen activated age as example, she stood at 5ft 4in). However, there’s major issues Drift and Axe had to deal with rationalizing Energon usage after the first time they watched Roxie overcome with extreme fatigue from low Energon. They were alerted by this despite the three of them living pretty rough to hide out on Hedonia without detecting the Autobots--they moved from one hideout to another, erasing their presence from their previous accommodations. Moving to a new place made Roxie unsettled the first few nights.

Drift’s early life resurfaced given the living arrangements on Hedonia, he was willingly to sacrifice his Energon for Roxie and replenish her energy and to avoid her body going into stasis shock. He had considered an Energon transfer reserved for emergencies only just for Roxie alone, and the process was risky that Axe had berated him for it on a dangerously low Energon withdrawal. Axe could understand due to Energon being scarce and trying to save as much credits that he had gone further to search and provide fuels for the three of them to survive.

Had they lived on Cybertron, specifically in the roughest places, Drift would’ve given away a full Energon to Roxie and spared little usage for himself to live through another day.

"A good Sire would do anything for their Kindred" Drift told Axe. And the truth is, Roxie was a beacon of light to Drift through the darker aspects of his life, even with being there for her through her low days.

That's as far I've written from my head about these two and I'm having many feelings over these two.

[swordoforion]

Orion Digest №47 - Chapters and Community Organization

While the scale of eco-socialist federalism is global, there are significant disadvantages to tackling issues primarily on the largest levels. To the average civilian, a global movement in name only is something they may see online or on the news, earning maybe a few minutes of their attention, but disappearing from their attention soon after. It is not something that, for most people, will earn significant support, nor continuous attention, unless you constantly find some way to recapture it. This is not simply apathy; the world today is so full of changing sights and distractions that one cannot expect every person to become stuck on a mere passerby attraction.

A majority of the mission will end up as a bid for attention and awareness, and though it may sound like a popularity contest, it is not out of vanity that we seek this. At the end of the day, politics is about how many people you can convince to do what needs to be done, whether inside or outside the confines of a legal system. Inside is typically easier and more streamlined, but if the system proves insufficient, the difficult task of maneuvering outside the law becomes necessary. Either way, it's an avenue where strategy will only carry you so far without numbers. We seek a combination of inside and outside support, and for both cases, we need to convince people to join or support us, our allies, and our cause.

However, simply inflating one's appearance to appear in mainstream media, while somewhat helpful, is not a sure fire solution, especially for a task set upon us so large and with so little time. The world needs to be aware that our planet is on the brink of collapse, and that the structure of society that we have become so stuck to and dependent on needs a major overhaul if we are to survive. We don't need to just accept a truth; we need to break illusion after illusion and assemble together as a species swiftly. We don't need a passing thought or recognition; we need a collective drive to change, dedication to fixing our mistakes that could consume the lifetimes of a generation, for the sake of our increasingly potential future.

The true answer to grabbing people's attention lies on a much smaller scale. The simulated world through media is a large part of our lives, but it is often still so distant from ourselves, only semi-realistic. On the other hand, the people around us, the neighborhood and locale where we reside - that has a far greater impact on the individual, and if we are to capture the minds and hearts of the world, that is precisely where we need to start. Community involvement may affect only a small area, but it is far more meaningful and impactful to those within the area then any voice on the TV screen.

Massive organizations and movements in the past saw people join not because of sensationalist stories on newspapers or from stories, but from that neighbor down the block who talked you into it. The rally in the park, the meeting at a community center, the posters on the street. The image of the movement is much larger than the community, but your involvement with it will still be contained to the area you live, simply ensuring that the goals are accomplished in your sphere of influence. The simple seed of an idea, planted over and over again in select locales, could result in many small chapters that added up to one large widespread movement, hard to pin down or find the center of. For better or worse, these movements have proved effective in the past.

Such is a similar idea with the idea of Orion's chapters. Barring Museion, a chapter will feature elements of the other two branches - the Sword and Liberius - centered specifically on contributing and aiding to their respective communities and regions. Whereas the online element of branches focuses on ESF theory and progressivism in general, a chapter will focus on how it applies and relates to the people around them. Your town is not a federation, sure, but it could always work on being greener, on providing aid to those in need and beneficial job opportunities. The people of your town could always show support for the cause, and work on self-improvement to be more accepting and respectful of underrepresented groups inside and outside of the community. In some ways, a chapter would be a miniature Orion, contained within its own little sphere.

Just like past movements, it would merely take a 'seed', or in this case, one member in an area willing and able to make their own chapter of Orion. With time, I hope to make more reading material and online resources available to streamline this process, but with the structure, theory, and philosophy laid out, my hope is that future members can apply this model to their surroundings, and build their own chapters for the improvement of their community. In such dark times, it is good to focus on accomplishing a simple task and making at least one pocket of the world a bit more hopeful. However, when done many times, in many chapters, across many parts of the world, it can add up. Democratic structure exists for coordination, so that Orionist communities can come together and work through voting and organization for larger impact.

Community interaction is not merely about asking people for support and membership. It is about giving to and helping the community with no expectation or requirement for reciprocation, merely the intent on bettering the area and all who live within it. Exactly how this will happen will depend on the region and culture itself, but the advantage there is that whoever starts the chapter will know better than I do how to approach their community. The chapter's Sword team can point out and make people aware of issues and how to fix them, while members of Liberius can provide teaching, assistance, and guidance to people on practical methods of improvement (i.e. growing food, medical aid, self defense, mental health practices, et cetera). With time, being a beneficial presence in the community will do more to build a reputation with people than a 30 second ad on television ever will.

The elephant in the room is the fact that we have little time to make change before it is too late in the grand scheme of things. The threat of climate change always hangs upon us, and the combination of government and economy only serve to worsen that threat. It is best not to put all eggs in one basket, and mere community-centric change is only one part of the structure. Orion is designed to cater to a small scale while still organizing online to fight on a large scale, and constant pressure from us and allies must be kept upon national governments to be more firm on environmental regulation, to reform the structure of the United Nations, to revamp economic systems of ownership and standardize stricter definitions of human rights and freedoms. If anything the two scales feed off and benefit one another - the more Orionist communities there are, the larger a base for online support, and the larger an online influence, the more seeds that can be planted for further communities.

A key part of the experience that I intend is for future members and chapters to fill the gaps in the human experience that I am unable to. I do not know the specific struggles of your area, nor how to fully approach them. I do not fully know the depths of the human experience when it comes to people of different identity than myself. I have not been in each house, spoken each language, or walked the same paths you might have walked. However, I believe firmly in the model lain out, that the world should be greener, united, and geared towards the benefit of humanity. I believe in helping other people not for gain but out of solidarity and kindness. I believe that, if we pull together and learn from our past, we can survive and do great things. And I believe certainly that there are people out in the world willing to make change in their city, their neighborhood, or at the very least, in their own home, and because of that belief, I entrust that these ideals can be applied by chapters to help in the way that only they know how.

More over, it cannot be stated enough that the world and its various nations are not composed of their governments and owners; they are composed of its people. The most important voice is not that of a leader, but rather the combined voice of those that follow. It is not some castle or office that holds the most importance in a nation; it is all the land and homes that belong to the people. The world is in a crisis right now, and this is only the beginning. We need to be there for the people around us, and the only way we can pull through this is together.

- DKTC FL

[makeyourdeanabi]

Finale Reaction- 2 months later

In the wee hours after the Supernatural Finale, after tossing and turning in my bed, I got up and wrote this... this was before I was actually active on Tumblr and I never thought I would share this because I was too self conscious.  I deleted it shortly after I wrote it because it brought me so much pain to relive it.  I have since watched the Finale again and have come to terms with it and I felt it was a good time to share my thoughts. I hope that my words may bring other people comfort who feel the same way.  Thanks for reading :)

Alisha

P.S. Sorry so long, I was feeling things and the words just kept coming and coming  ___________________________________________

I don’t blog.  Never in my life have I sat down to tell the world about my feelings in such a manner.  I may contribute on message boards and social media comments, but I never thought anything was worth my time to spill my guts into the ether when I am near certain that not a soul will read them.  But here I am.  I have to write because if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head, I am going to go full on insane.

That ending was bad. It was a disservice to the 15 years of an incredible show that was not only genre bending it was cultural norms bending.

I could mention the various tropes that this ending (and the previous episodes) invoked, but I am not well versed in them and would never want to do anyone a disservice with a comparison that wasn’t apt.

The buildup up of each character arc and then the glaring lack of conclusion for said character arc was laughable.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement.

I am destroyed.  

I am destroyed that the two men who have been with this franchise since day 1 wrote and directed an episode that they thought was the perfect ending. They thought this is what their devoted fandom wanted.  

I am destroyed that the lead actors signed off on this script and went so far as to call it their favorite.  I realize Jared was the only one calling it his favorite episode. Jensen admitted he had reservations about the episode and needed the wise words of creator Erik Kripke to accept it. I do have to say that taking the word of a man who left the show 10 seasons ago and hasn’t been involved in all the plot lines and inner workings since season 5 is probably not the best idea. I could be mistaken about the extent of Kripke’s involvement, but I am fairly certain that I am right in my assumptions.  

Dean spent 15 years (probably more) of his life feeling unloved, unworthy, self-conscious and convinced that his life had but one purpose and that purpose would ultimately be the death of him, and he had made peace with that.

He is given a best friend, potential love interest, who helps him to see that he is more than that, so much more than that.  He is selfless, he is caring, he is a lover, not a killer. His friend’s soulmate’s sacrifice is the catalyst for him believing that all these things are true. He even takes the step of admitting out loud that he knows he has changed.  He knows that his life is worth living to the fullest and appreciating what he has every day and honoring those they have “lost along the way.”  

To then kill him during a routine hunting trip in which the boys are up against a vampire nest they could take down in their sleep.  What could possibly have been the purpose for that?  To show that once they were no longer God’s little play toys their lives were expendable?  WHY?

Dean, arguably the greatest hunter in the SPN universe, was taken out by a fucking rusty piece of rebar, and instead of trying to call for help and get the man to a hospital (not sure it would have helped) he has his final monologue, the one he has been due for the latter half all of Season 15.  He died scared, in pain, and sad.

Dean goes to heaven, and its not the heaven we have been told of in the past where you are living in your memories.  Its truly life after death and its wonderful. He meets Bobby again and told that various people in Dean’s and Bobby’s life are close by.  His parents live down the road.  His father, who was never confirmed to be but was most likely an abusive bastard, lives just down the road with his mother.  Wonderful. (WTF?) He gets confirmation that Cas is out of the empty and he smiles, nothing more.  He sees baby and goes for a drive, not to find Cas and thank him for his ultimate sacrifice, but to just drive.  I like this part because we see a happy, content Dean, and we finally get to hear Kansas’s “Carry on Wayward Son” (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE LACK OF THE ROAD SO FAR AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE). I just wish Dean’s path to heaven had been a little easier on him.

Dean deserved better.

Castiel, the selfless angel who just wanted to find purpose in his life and ultimately found it in death. He dies never being told that he is loved, after countless times of professing his love to his found family. The angel who sacrificed himself to the Empty, a horrible place of unspeakable torture, to protect the man he loves.  A man who, mere days later (in my mind anyway), arrives in heaven after being killed in a gruesome accident, rather than fulfilling his destiny that Cas fought so hard to protect.  Some sacrifice. It turns out that Cas is saved by the Empty from Jack, but we don’t get to see his joyful reunion with Dean, the man he loves.  

Cas deserved better.

Sam is left to live this life without his brother, and potentially the love of his life because the writers couldn’t be bothered to confirm Eileen’s re-existence after Chuck’s rapture.  He has a family, and he grows old (mind you with REALLY bad makeup in a show that is known for their incredible makeup/special effects departments).

He seems to be happy, but you can tell something is missing.  We come to see that he raised his son to be a hunter.  He raised his son in a life that, at the outset of this show, he was desperate to get out of and live a normal life.  Perhaps he no longer believes that anyone can live a normal life knowing what is out there. *EDIT* Looking back I don’t believe he raised his son to be a hunter, just gave him the tattoo in case.

He names his son Dean, because of course he does. He has a wife who we see from a distance and is never given the clarity if it is Eileen or not.  He finally dies after what looks like a slow and painful illness and is sent to heaven.

In heaven he meets up with Dean.  This was lovely.  The two of them meeting again after so long, for Sam, that is. Dean only had to seemingly wait for a few hours.

Sam deserved better.

For a show that had the potential to go out on a historically significant high, this is disappointing, to say the least.  The story had the potential to end with 2 brothers who have sacrificed so much and saved so many people, find a happy ending.  Not only that but find a happy ending with a deaf partner and a gay angel. If that isn’t breaking barriers and bending norms, I don’t know what is.  I really would like to know what prevented this from happening.  Be it the CW from restricting them or maybe the absolute lack of originality from the writers, I am curious as to their reasoning. Maybe it was COVID.  Maybe because they couldn’t have those two actors physically on set due to protocols, they didn’t want to shortchange them by having them appear otherwise: disembodied voice, phone call (DONT TOUCH ME) or even a flashback… hell STOCK FOOTAGE! I don’t know and I clearly can’t imagine the reason.

I realize that there is nothing that can be done about this episode now and that accepting it and moving on is really the only way forward.  But the legacy this show has left, and its lasting impact on me and my life, cannot be ignored.  I was looking forward to indulging in past episodes of this show for the rest of my life. It is going to be a long time before I can watch an episode without anger and resentment towards what I know to be their eventual end.  That, to me, is unforgiveable.  

I don’t expect anyone to actually read this because I do not have any followers. I have never blogged in my entire life and was only recently introduced to the online fandom, but I needed to write this.  I needed to share the impact that this episode had on me.  I do hope that it does reach those in the fandom that may have similar feelings and are able to use my words to help express how they are feeling.  We can move on, and we will move on, but we need to do it together.

I know that there are people who, if they read this, would shake their head in disbelief that I became so emotionally invested in this show that watching a bad ending would take such a toll on my mental health.  

To them I say, imagine this… The Pittsburgh Steelers (my favorite team, they can imagine their own) have an incredible season.  A season where they saw a myriad of highs and lows. Veteran players making incredible comebacks, rookie players coming in to their own.  Season ending injuries that lead to the next man stepping up and contributing in ways they weren’t sure possible.  Now imagine they make it to the Superbowl and after 3 tough quarters, in which they played their best, getting better with each quarter, they lose it in the final minutes.  All that blood, sweat, and tears for nothing.  Now imagine that was their last season and the Pittsburgh Steelers are no longer an NFL team.  They are done.  No “we’ll get ‘em next season.”  No “it’s just a game and there is always another one”.  Just done.  Their entire franchise, for a brief moment in time, reduced to those final minutes where they failed to win.  Devastating. Of course, in the long run that is not what they will be remembered for.  I mean, after all, they have won 6 Lombardi trophies, and no one is taking that away from them.  But the sting will remain for a while. *EDIT* This was as close to prophecy as I will ever get, the Steelers did all of the above until the playoffs, but THANK GOD, there will be another season.

If I can’t make you understand with a sports metaphor than I will never make you understand.  

I love this show and this loss is devastating.  I do hope that it is remembered for more than their last-minute loss.  I hope it is remembered for the joy and acceptance that their fandom felt with each episode, for the laugher on set and the gag reels. I hope it is remembered for the individual players who gave it their all. I know it will be, but for me personally, this sting is going to last for a while.  

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi again, sorry to bother you.

I submitted this post because I have a few questions (I was typed ISFP 9w1).

I have doubts about Fi-Te.

▪Fe/Fi :

I mean, When I read Fi and Fe descriptions, I relate to low Fe better. I need your view on that.

I relate to the chamelion effect that is often associated with Fe.

Unlike Fi-doms who behave the same everywhere, my behavior changes from group/person to group/person, and the group dynamic and atmosphere indirectly affects me and my performance. <- 9 does this, also 3 fixers do this.

I’m usually reserved when alone, but with energetic people/groups I become more energetic, smile more and check myself less and get comfortable. While if I go into serious or cold groups, I become like that. And If I get uncomfortable vibes from a group, I may get uncomfortable as well, or I might think my presence is not desired or not important, so I try to minimize my interaction with that group. I try not to force myself upon people even though  feeling excluded seriously bothers me. <-- mirroring the group this much again, suggests 9 (and 3?); you are deliberately avoiding conflict through changing to fit the group.

It’s like I have no specific personality or characteristics. I explain my personality with doubt but try to include all functions. I envy people who maintain the same personality and energy-level with everyone or stand up and rebel against things they don’t agree with even when they’re alone. <-- 963 or 936 tritype confirmed

On the other hand, I try to maintain the group harmony and not bother others even when I internally have problem with something or don’t agree with them. I don’t rebel against the majority unless I have no other choice. <- 9 core

I assume being liked or appreciated by others matters to me a lot. As a kid and teen, I acted on this need (indirectly) by getting good grades or doing my homework and being nice to teachers. I wasn’t aware of it much. As I grew up, I became more dependent on other people, their vibe, their motivation or inner thoughts and their views. I miss my teen years because of that. <- numbing out and ignoring things as a teen? again, 9

I am not social expert. I suck at manipulating others or changing the group dynamics. I can’t “MAKE” people think/do something. I can’t stand my ground really well. I don’t even know how to comfort people. <- sounds like Fi-dom, not Fe

My view on good or bad is also relative. I can say pros & cons for things and I rarely view something as pure good or pure bad (It happens but it’s rare).<- Fi-dom has more nuance, is willing to give more benefit of the doubt, and is not as quick to judge people as Fe, since... well, Fi is subjective, ruminating, and inward based.

I also have problem defining when I “should” hold my ground and when I should stay back and keep quiet. <- lack of boundary awareness, a 9 issue

I dislike selfish people who boss others, don’t do their share of work in the group or disturb the group harmony by bringing negativity or drama. <- personal assertion of an ethical preference + 9 hatred of drama and negativity

Unlike Fi-dom stereotypes, I try my best to avoid feelings or emotion. So I try my best not to bother others to avoid potentially nasty confrontations. Every type of feeling is toxic and unhealthy to me. I’d rather deal with data, impersonal facts and professional relations than complicated people, drama or feelings. I’d rather be around impersonal, just, uncomplicated and direct people. <- 9 to the max; let’s not be unpleasant, let’s not let in anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, let’s suppress and ignore feelings as much as possible, let’s not hang out with annoying or troublesome people... this is not Fe, this is a 9 refusing to engage with anything that makes them uncomfortable

Fe-like grips for me happen during three situations. a)Failure or being hopeless about major future goals (which I try to avoid), b)Loss of loved ones or being away from them for a long time, c)Feeling excluded or being in a toxic/complecated/dramatic/unjust environment <- the first sounds like inferior Te frustration

Being in grip makes me sensitive, hopeless and paranoid of other peopl’s intentions. I then wish I could have more social skills and more connections/friends. <- Fe envy + 6ish disintegration

In general, I’m not an F expert and try to avoid that realm. But every once in a while, I wish I had more social skills, could open up to people and be cool around them. <- Fi-dom seriousness and detachment from others

________________________________________

▪S/N:

I agree with Se and Ni over their counterparts. I would be witty/argumentative and also more flexible if I had Ne.

But I still have trouble relating to Se, at least the stereotypes.

Sure, I wish I had more action, excitement and novelty in my life, and I might act on it some day (after reaching my professional goals), and I’m a visual/tactile learner and get bored by small details or impractical theories.

But still, I get uncomfortable dealing with the sensory (and social) realm for a long time and get sensory overload. I sometimes have trouble staying in the moment. Not to mention, I’m physically lazy and need someone more willful and energetic to initiate activities at first. And I’m somewhat of a homebody at the moment and bad which makes me relate to Se-aux even less.

Even my interests differ from stereotypical SP ones and look similar to Intuitive interests. I have little interest in watching team sports or car/F1 races on TV. I much prefer to learn about scientific facts, space, other cultures, different countries and their food/drinks and architecture, languages and different philosophical and psychological views and self-help stuffs. I often google things like that.

I do relate to Ni, as I have my goals/plans and, care about them and try to reach them (and would freak out if I couldn’t which means I lack flexibility about them).

Also, last minute changes of plans, or being kept in the dark about future or a project really bothers me. But I agree with you that having a cynical Ni might mean its position is not dom. Also, I’m not good at things like chess (find it boring), decision-making or guessing test questions (stereotypical Ni stuffs)

Based on the new info I added, Am I still Se-Ni?

... those are a lot of negative stereotypes about ISPs. An SP can sit at home on their butt and watch television all day long and never do anything creative with their hands, it does not disqualify them from being Se. An SP can be an avid reader and love learning about all kinds of things, it does not make them an intuitive. An ISP prefers to have a general idea of what they want and think before they act, it doesn’t make them an INJ. Basically, none of what you said disqualifies you from being an ISFP. I would look at Ne vs Se if you are still not sure, but I’m still seeing IFP 9.

________________________________________

▪T :

I do brainstorm things and read between the lines in my head. But I have little interest in sharing them with people or debating with people. Maybe I don’t debate much because of shyness. I also need time processing and analyzing the things being said, so I rarely challenge someone. <-- introvert, not a thinker tendency; high Ti knows what’s irrational without needing to process it, and will react accordingly by pointing out the illogical statement.

I’m more cynical than positive. If I doubt the truth of something or an statement or a program, I analyze and research about it if needed. I sometimes I argue with my family members or debate about social stuffs, taboo stuffs or some other stuffs. specially when I think what they think/believe is irrational. But I rarely target them directly or attack them about it, unless I know they’re thick-skinned and don’t make a big deal out of it. Also, I dislike it when people change a friendly debate into aggressive personal attacks. <- 9 avoidance of conflict / confrontation

When debating with my family, I use a mixture of facts and brainstorming results as debating tools. But In general I trust proven facts more than personal analysis and specially at school, I used to dislike too much theory, analysis and details. <- proven facts = Te, hatred of theory = Se/Ni

What makes me doubt being a thinker (or even a F-dom)? The fact that I rely on other people to describe myself and my self-worth. And the fact that A toxic atmosphere or exclusion can have impact on my mental health and performance. Also, my shyness and lack of assertiveness in social stuffs and being conflict-averse and fearing confrontations.

I think ISFP 9 is correct. Most of what you describe, as you’ve seen is simply being a 9, and you don’t have the kind of strong knowledge of Te/Ti that an ISTP or TJ would have.

[trichrecoverythings]

hi there! ive been suffering from trich for almost a decade and i was just wondering any tips you might have to beat it? ive fully regrown my eyelashes twice now but it never seems to stick and before i know it im pulling them all out again. its seriously impacting my mental health and im struggling to cope, especially with the quarantine and stuff

Hello! As always, professional therapy is my first suggestion, but I know especially now it isn’t an option for everyone. That being said, I do have some helpful at home trich tips for coping:

Especially with the quarantine, get into a routine and keep yourself busy. I know it’s hard, especially if you’re like me and rely on a lot of external structure, but having a routine and sticking to it can cut out those “boredom + stress = pull session time!” moments.

If you have the energy and resources, I highly reccomend learning and getting involved with needlework. Knitting a “stress swatch” when I got the urge to pull helped me a) track where and when I was getting the urge and b) kept both hands busy so I couldn’t pull.

Keep away from mirrors! Most of the time I pull or pick is spent in the bathroom, so if that’s a similar problem for you, set an alarm on your phone to keep your time in front of a mirror minimal.

If you own tweezers and use them to pull, I would reccomend throwing them out or otherwise making them unavailable to yourself. It can be tempting to break them out mid recovery, but it can easily result in a relapse.

If you use your fingers to pull, make note of which fingers you use. The #1 strategy I use is to create “bandage thimbles” on the fingers I use to pull. Avoid the bandaids with plastic wings - the goal is to minimize grip!

Other strategies involving your pulling fingers once you get a little more control - wear nail polish! The bright colors or patterns coming toward my face help me recognize when I’m pulling and need to break out the knitting.

You mentioned your eyelashes. If you can, wear mascara or eyeliner. Not the expensive stuff, I mean the crumbly stuff. When you reach to pull, it’ll leave some makeup on your fingers - it can help you recognize when you’re pulling and need to find something else to occupy your hands.

Be kind to yourself. Relapses happen. Sometimes you’ll be fine for months and then have a bad pull session, sometimes you’ll go years with pulling everyday but not enough for anyone but you to notice. Recovery is hard under normal circumstances, let alone during an international pandemic. You can do this!

These are some of the strategies I’ve used to help with my remission, and as such they might not work for you, but it can’t hurt to try! Unfortunately, for many trich isn’t something you can ‘beat.’ You learn about it, your own habits and patterns, and work to minimize the symptoms. Trich is a daunting, frightening, and sometimes embarrassing condition to talk about, let alone confront. I am so proud of you for fighting to recover and choosing to do so every day! Let me know if you have any more questions or need to chat about your trich 🧡

[wizardessheart-sideb]

My WH Story & Feelings on it Ending

TW: abuse, depression, y’all know my trauma by now

With the discontinuation of Wizardess, I've been thinking a lot about this game and what it means to me, but it's been hard to articulate it for a number of reasons. But reading them congratulating us on graduating from the Academy has put me into motion. So here's my WH story and lots of mushiness. I started playing Wizardess during the summer of 2017. I'd already completed a year at my four-year uni. I didn't really have any friends there. I had one friend and man that was about to GO BAD. I'd discovered dating sims a few months prior with Mystic Messenger, so I got into playing more dating sims. My first SWD game was actually Ninja Assassin, and then I played Blood in Roses. I kept seeing ads for Wizardess and like a lot of players, I thought it looked like a dumb Harry Potter rip-off. Which I don't know why considering I knew Ninja Assassin and BiR were really good, but whatever. So I downloaded WH on a whim and honestly, it took me a while to get into the game. I still didn't really know how otome games worked and stuff. I chose Yukiya as my first route and as soon as the mystery kicked in, I was completely hooked. This game quickly took over my life. Where Fire Emblem had been my biggest comfort, Wizardess overtook everything for me. And thank God it did. I never had had that many issues with school. I've had depression since I was little, but school had never been a source of stress for me. The year before I started college, that changed. I can pinpoint the moment my mental health took a turn for the worse, and that happening right before I started community college was bad. I was lucky to go to a really good community college with great teachers and my friends went too, so I still had my friends with me. It wasn't until I moved to the LA area that school started impacting my mental health. When I was younger, I get depression in waves. Sometimes it'd be bad, sometimes it felt like it wasn't even there. But as soon as I got into college, it was there constantly and I felt it hard in LA. And after a stressful first year and then a horrible second semester, I had to return home to the place I absolutely hated and even worse, I felt unsafe at home. I was born in a city up in northern California, but I moved to a small town when I was 10. My mom and I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. The thing about this small town is that a lot of families are similar and so like. My older cousin had friends who had younger siblings that were the same age as me and my other cousin, so we were alll friends. Growing up and being beaten by older cousin, it was normalized bc my friends were going through the same thing. I thought being beaten up by someone I considered an older brother was totally normal. It was only until I got into the LA area did I realize "holy shit that's abuse I was ABUSED?!?!?!" because I'd laugh when I talked about how badly I used to get beaten and classmates were horrified at what I was saying instead of my friends from the small town who'd usually laugh with me and then tell me about the time their brother pushed them off the roof of their house. I already hated the small town I'd grown up in, but now I didn't feel safe. Although he hadn't hit me in years, I'm always scared one day my cousin's going to snap and start the cycle of abuse over again. Wizardess was a huge escape for me. I could just read it and get lost in Gedonelune and forget that I was in an unsafe situation and how sad I was. I'd just lay in bed and read for hours. I started making friends through the fandom and I wasn't platonically lonely anymore. And the game supplied the romance I know I'll never get to experience in real life. This game has given me so much comfort and been my rock for so many years. It's been one of the few good things in my life and when I'm sad (which is like all the time lmao), I can just go to Gedonelune and escape everything for hours. I returned to school and things friendship-wise were looking up. I made more irl friends and I FINALLY got good roommates in my dorm. School was still taking a toll on my mental health and depression made it hard to get to class because I had no energy to get out of bed even though I wanted to and my mind was screaming at me to get up. Wizardess was still a comfort but I was also having more light-hearted fun with it. Over time, Wizardess has evolved and instead of it just being my rock, I can appreciate it for other things. As it came to light how problematic Rowling was, I could appreciate that although the rep wasn't perfect, Wizardess included wlw rep and did the best they could. It didn't feel like they did it for woke points like someone, but it felt like a genuine move to try and include rep and I appreciate that. It really shouldn't surprise anyone Harry Potter was a huge huge HUGE thing to me as a child and ngl if I didn't have WH, it would've been a lot more painful to divorce myself from Harry Potter. And as I went through uni and saw that my uni didn't really care about its students from trying to ban students from speaking out against racism and disregarding school shooting threats. Hell, when my roommate Ariana and I stayed in our dorm room after the uni did a shitshow investigation of a shooting threat and refused to cancel classes, I played Wizardess like all day. Having a school in Gedonelune that actually CARED about students was a comfort. I fought tooth and nail against my classes and depression and I finished classes this last December. I now have my bachelors and this May, I would've had my graduation ceremony. Now, to be honest, I don't really care about doing graduation for my uni bc of all the bad experiences I had there and also not every member of my fam would've been able to go bc limited space and picking who gets to go is uh a nightmare. I had a small "graduation ceremony" with my family on zoom and my best friend Julia is planning on holding me another graduation ceremony in Animal Crossing. I am as much of a graduate of Gedonelune Royal Magic Academy as I am my irl uni. Wizardess has been with me for only a few years, but it's been a huge part of my life. And seeing the team congratulating us is bittersweet. It's sad that the WH team got let go without much warning (allegedly) and there will be no more new content, but the way I see it, the torch has been passed to us. So many of us are creating content for the fandom and our own events and routes. It's true, we're graduating from the Academy, but we'll always have a part of it inside us and now it's our turn to create and use the skills and knowledge we've learned from Wizardess.

[an-abundantly-clear-answer]

Caffeine and the Brain

Caffeine and the brain

Caffeine and the brain, not something we think about every day. If you are like me, then you must wonder what effects it has on us especially if you are an avid drinker of coffee, cappuccino, soda, tea, etc. with caffeine in them. I was surprised to discover that chocolate has caffeine too but more of a natural caffeine than an additive. For a long time, I believed that there were no effects, and I could stop drinking these things anytime I wanted to but to my surprise, caffeine is addictive and hard to let go of. Caffeine has some positive and negative effects that will further help us to make the decision on whether this is something that we want to further consume into our bodies.

                                                      About

Caffeine is a stimulant and the most used legal drug in the world. Every day, millions consume it to increase wakefulness, alleviate fatigue, increase energy, and improve concentration and focus. Caffeine affects adenosine receptors in the brain. Coffee also contains polyphenol antioxidants and these act on various pathways. Studies have suggested that drinking coffee may help enhance some thinking skills and slow the mental decline that comes with age. However, more research is needed to confirm this. (Nichols, 2017).

What caffeine does do is one heck of an impersonation. “In your brain, caffeine is the mimic of a neurochemical called adenosine. Adenosine is produced by neurons throughout the day as they fire, and as more of it is produced, the more your nervous system ratchets down.” (DiSalvo, 2012). 

The talent of caffeine is to copy adenosine’s shape and size, allowing them to enter the receptors without activating them. The receptors are then effectively blocked by caffeine. This is important not only because by blocking the receptors caffeine disrupts the nervous system’s monitoring of the adenosine tab, but also because of what the brain is releasing as this is happening. The neurotransmitters dopamine and glutamate, the brain’s stimulants, are freer to do their stimulating work with the adenosine tab on hold, and that is the effect you feel not long after drinking something with caffeine in it. (Case Study 3, 2001).

 “Chemically, caffeine (C8H10N4O2) is a purine with two oxygens and three methyl groups attached. When ingested, it is rapidly absorbed and soon reaches all cells of the body, including those of the brain, where it acts as a stimulant.” (Case Study 3, 2001).

                                                     Facts

The facts about caffeine are as follows:

Caffeine is a stimulant that occurs naturally in some foods.  (Case Study 3, 2001).

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recommends a maximum intake of 400 mg a day, or two to three cups of coffee. A moderate intake of coffee may enhance weight loss, cognitive function, and alertness.  (Case Study 3, 2001).

Energy drinks can contain high levels of caffeine but are unlikely to be hazardous unless consumed with alcohol.  (Case Study 3, 2001).

Caffeine powder can lead to a fatal overdose and should be avoided. (Case Study 3, 2001).

                         Food and Drug Administration (FDA)

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) consider caffeine to be both a drug and a food additive. They recommend a maximum intake of 400 mg a day. This amount is not associated with negative effects.  In prescription and over the counter medicines such as headache remedies, diet pills, diuretics, and alertness aids, caffeine is used to treat tiredness and drowsiness, and to improve the effect of some pain relievers. (Case study 3, 2001). 

 It belongs to a group of medicines called central nervous system stimulants. Foods containing caffeine can help restore mental alertness. Caffeine’s use as an alertness aid should not be used often because it is addictive and dangerous. Caffeine is not intended to replace sleep and should not regularly be used for this purpose. Caffeine occurs naturally in the leaves, seeds, or fruit of more than 60 plant species, including coffee beans, tea leaves and buds, dola nuts, cacao beans, guarana seeds, yerba mate leaf. Caffeine features in tea, coffee, and chocolate, and it is regularly added to gum, jellybeans, waffles, water, syrup, marshmallows, sunflower seeds, and other snacks. (Nichols, 2017).

                                                     Benefits

Caffeine does have its benefits and research has found that caffeine intake may have kept people from getting certain brain and nervous system diseases.

 Caffeine may boost weight loss or prevent weight gain, by suppressing the appetite and temporarily reducing the desire to eat. This is accomplished by stimulating thermogenesis, which means the body generates more heat and energy from digesting food.

 Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease research shows that caffeine may have effects on those who are lifelong consumers of caffeine. 

Research has found that lifelong caffeine consumption may reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease and there are research studies that have also reported that people with a higher coffee consumption have a lower risk of Parkinson’s disease. 

Memory Research from Johns Hopkins University suggests that a dose of caffeine after a learning session may help boost long-term memory. Caffeine also reduced getting kidney stones. (Nichols, 2017).

                                                       Risks

There are also risks to caffeine consumption. 

A high caffeine intake may worse symptoms of anxiety and depression. Insomnia is a side effect that caffeine causes by stimulating the brain to stay awake instead of allowing your brain to release what it needs to cause sleep.

Insomnia is a side effect that caffeine causes by stimulating the brain to stay awake instead of allowing your brain to release what it needs to cause sleep.

Caffeine can lead to symptoms such as the jitters and shakes, disrupted sleep, fast or uneven heartbeat, high blood pressure, headaches, nervousness or anxiety, dizziness, dependency, incontinence, dehydration, irritability, heartburn, muscle tremors

 Caffeine is addictive and can cause withdrawal symptoms such as headache and jitters although not everyone experiences withdrawal when they stop consumption of caffeinated drinks. (Nichols, 2017). 

Caffeine also stimulates the bladder to make urination occur more often, but researchers have not proven that caffeine contributes to bladder disease. (Nichols, 2017).

                                What Caffeine Actually Does

Much of caffeine’s stimulant action is thought to be due to its blockade of adenosine receptors located in the membranes of the brain’s neurons. Adenosine is not considered a true neurotransmitter, such as acetylcholine, dopamine, or serotonin, because it is not stored and released at chemical synapses. However, adenosine is an important neuromodulator, a chemical that influences synaptic function. One of adenosine’s most important roles in the central nervous system is to promote sleep. When caffeine reaches the CNS, it binds to and blocks adenosine receptors, preventing adenosine from causing drowsiness. (Case Study 3, 2001).

Whether consumed as a food or a medicine, the blood and body tissues absorb caffeine quickly after consumption. After reaching the blood it remains there for 4 to 6 hours. While in the blood, caffeine changes the way the brain and body work. “[Caffeine has a similar structure to adenosine, which is a chemical that is present in all human cells. In the brain, adenosine acts as a CNS depressant. Adenosine promotes sleep and suppresses arousal by slowing down nerve activity. Adenosine binding also causes blood vessels in the brain to dilate, to increase oxygen intake during sleep. 

When awake, the levels of adenosine in the brain rise each hour, making the brain and the body less alert. To a nerve cell, caffeine looks like adenosine, and caffeine binds to the adenosine receptors. However, unlike adenosine, it does not decrease the cell’s activity. As caffeine utilizes all the receptors adenosine binds to, the cells can no longer sense adenosine. As a result, instead of slowing down because of the adenosine level, cellular activity speeds up. Caffeine blocks adenosine’s ability to open the brain’s blood vessels, causing them to constrict. Therefore, caffeine is used in pain relief medicine for headaches. If the headache is vascular, relief comes as the caffeine narrows the blood vessels. The blocking of adenosine causes excitatory neurotransmitters to increase in the brain. The pituitary gland notices this increased activity and releases hormones that tell the adrenal glands to produce epinephrine.]” (Nichols, 2017).

The hippocampus is the part of the brain responsible for long term memory. The researchers wanted to study the effect of caffeine on long term memory and its relation to length of dendritic spines and they used hippocampus for their experiments. “[After administering caffeine to this part of the brain, it showed an increase in the dendritic length of the pyramidal neurons of the prefrontal cortex and that caffeine affects the dendritic morphology of the pyramidal cells of this limbic structure and that this effect persists after puberty and may be implicated in boosting several brain processes. The implications are clear: Using caffeine can cause the cells of our brains involved with learning and memory to grow new dendritic spines and thus may enable our brains to function more effectively.]” (Weinberg, 2011).

                                                 Conclusion

In conclusion, Moderate amounts of caffeine appear not to be harmful, and a moderate intake of caffeine may bring some health benefits. The FDA recommends that a person should not take in no more than 400 mg a day. However, the impact of caffeine intake will vary according to the amount consumed by the individual’s size, sex, and sensitivity to the effects. Any medications or supplements they may be taking will also have alter the effect of the caffeine. Pure caffeine is dangerous, can even be life-threatening, and should be avoided. If you are wanting to give up caffeine you should cut back over a period instead of cutting back all at once. This will help you to avoid uncomfortable symptoms such as headache and the jitters. (Nichols, 2017). It is a personal choice whether to continue consuming caffeine or not. It has as many benefits as it does risks and we know that everything we put into our body has both benefits and risks.

                                                  References

Nichols, H. (October 16, 2017). Medical News Today. What Does Caffeine Do to Your Body? https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/285194 

DiSalvo, D. (Neuronarrative Psychology Today). (August 12, 2012). What Caffeine Really Does to Your Brain. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuronarrative/201208/what-caffeine-really-does-your-brain-0

Case Study 3. Caffeine and the Brain. https://learn-us-east-1-prod-fleet01-xythos.content.blackboardcdn.com/blackboard.learn

Brain, M., Bryant, C. W., Cunningham, M. (n.d.). How Caffeine Works. Retrieved from

http://health.howstuffworks.com/caffeine.htm 

Brain, M. (n.d.). How Sleep Works. Retrieved from http://health.howstuffworks.com/sleep.htm 

Weinberg, B. A., & Bealer, B. K. (2001). The world of caffeine: The science and culture of the world’s most popular drug. New York: Routledge.