#like that's ever been even remotely the biggest of my problems

[seawitchkaraoke]

Adhd is just so fucking annnooooyyiiiing! Like I can do one (1) task a day and that's on a good day, on meds. I can either go to the doctor OR clean my room OR do my uni work OR write like three emails, and doing any of these lowers the chances at still being able to cook proper food or floss or go to sleep at a healthy time, I have SUCH a light work load uni wise this semester and all it results in is me being able to at least keep my place slightly cleaner than usual, how am I ever gonna work a full time job? I hate this shit

[shurisasthmaticgf]

wait a damn minute: max verstappen x black fem! reader

summary: in the midst of the biggest worldwide IT outage you realize your name has come up at the worst time possible

author's note: i wrote this on friday when the entire thing happened, i thought i posted it but turns out it was camped out in my drafts still. this is my first max fic so i hope it's an enjoyable read! feedback and comments are always appreciated and highly encouraged, i like to know what you all think of my work!

warnings: google translated dutch

the hungarian grand prix was only days away and you couldn't wait to surprise your boyfriend with a visit. it killed you to miss his races but you'd recently been promoted to a new position in your company which required more days in office than remote. you'd managed to balance work and personal life pretty well but when you weren't missing due to your new job, you had something else happen last minute. finally, after weeks of working long hours on end in an office, you were in the clear to start remote working more frequently.

you managed to clock out of work right on time so the minute the clock hit 6:00 pm, you were logging out and grabbing your already packed bag. one of your coworkers passed by you in the elevator, he was the only one around your age in the entire department so immediately you both clicked. he lightly bumped you with his shoulder and commented, "three side profiles and a headshot or selfie." you furrowed your brows in confusion and he clarified, "photo requests for my husband of course." the two of you burst into laughter as you teased, "was the autographed photocard not enough for you, théo? i even decorated it and put it in a holder for your desk." the young man smiled fondly thinking of the small 3x4 inch card that sat on the corner of his main monitor. he brushed one of his locs from his face and dramatically sighed, "fine i won't be pushy...i only want the selfie." you shook your head and refused with a chuckle, "i'm not asking toto wolff for a selfie, théo." your coworker let out a fake sigh of disappointment and lightly pushed you in the other direction as you parted ways to your cars. you laughed and called out, "i'll see what i can do, no promises though!" his face lit up and he blew your air kisses before calling out a goodnight.

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

just thinking about seeing your boyfriend racing again brought butterflies to your stomach. although he was doing well this season a few problems had cost him a few wins here and there. fans had jokingly mentioned that you not being at races was the cause of the missed first place wins because coincidentally, every race you've ever attended, max has won exactly that. for weeks fans have asked about your whereabouts and you'd practically ghosted them simply because you were working so much. you were known as one of the more down to earth f1 WAGs who had no problem interacting with fans in person and over social media. so you suddenly not showing up for max and not interacting with people online made them wonder what was going on with you during the past few weeks. now that work had chilled out, you were happy to be back online again, and even happier to be able to make it out to hungary this weekend.

the moment you stepped into your apartment you made a beeline for your bedroom to change out of your professional clothes. you snatched a pair of scissors, a spray bottle, conditioner, a towel, a comb, and a crumpled up paper bag and cozied up on the couch with shrek queued on the tv. you sprayed your head with the warm water in the bottle and spread a glob of conditioner all over the roots of your hair. you pulled one of your braids forward and snipped the end before unraveling it and picking out whatever knots formed in the 6 weeks your hair had been tucked away. thankfully this time it didn’t take too long to get your braids out, only 3 hours compared to the usual 5 when you didn’t have your boyfriend’s help.

right as the last strands of synthetic hair slipped out of your own curls, your phone rang the familiar tune and a picture of your boyfriend flashed on your screen. a warm smile spread across your face as his camera turned on to show face. you braided you hair on each side to get it out of your face as you spoke, “hi my love how was your day?” he rolled over to his side and grumbled sleepily, “long, usual press day so you know how that goes.” you frowned slightly, “i wish i was there with you today.” max hummed and admitted, “i do as well. but your work is more important so i can deal with this.” you watched as his eyes lingered on your face and you giggled while moving out of the frame shyly, “stop looking at me like that.” although it was dimly lit in hotel room you could see the light pink tint to his cheeks as he smiled, “i can’t admire my lovely girlfriend?” he yawned mid sentence and you insisted, “as much as i love talking to you i know you’re tired and you need to go to sleep. so i’ll talk to you tomorrow, yeah?” he sleepily agreed and murmured, “welterusten mijn liefste.” you blew him a kiss and whispered softly, "goodnight baby." [goodnight, my love]

instead of heading straight to sleep you chose to wash your hair rather than waiting until the morning to do so. the flight you managed to snag last minute to hungary was set for tomorrow evening and you hadn't packed anything. not wanting to get onto a plane with a damp head of coils, you decided to just deal with it tonight. the entire process didn't take as long since you were speeding through just so you could sleep. by the time you were done it was around 2 AM and you were more than happy with the results. a dozen thick twists hung past your shoulders until you wrapped them up into a scarf and covered them with your bonnet to head to bed.

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

when you woke up in the morning you noticed your phone had over 50 missed calls, messages, and emails. your mind conjured up the worst possible thoughts as you called your boyfriend to see what was the matter. max answered on the first few rings and you anxiously stammered, "baby? maxie? what's going on are you okay? where are you?" on the other line max answered clearly confused on what you were talking about, "schat? i am fine, i'm heading to the track. nothing is wrong here, what are you talking about?" you started to calm down realizing that he was fine but you responded, "i thought- didn't you blow up my phone early this morning? i was worried something happened and-" your boyfriend interjected with a calm tone, "y/n, i promise you nothing is the matter-"

an incoming call from théo, your coworker cut max off and you spoke up, "i'm sorry i think it's work related because théo is calling me." max let out an annoyed sound and you laughed, "i don't get why you don't like him." max scoffed, "he is too touchy and handsy with you." there was a playful groan, "oh god here you go- max, we've been over this. théo is a 27 year old gay man from san francisco who's convinced he's princess diana's reincarnate. he's the least of your worries okay?" max conceded, "okay fine i guess...but i still have my eye on him." another call from théo interrupted your conversation and you added, "but he's blowing up my phone so i need to see what's wrong. i'll talk to you later okay?" max agreed and bid you goodbye before hanging up the phone.

meanwhile you answered théo's call and he was literally running through what looked like the parking garage of his high rise. he panted, "you- you nee-...oh god i'm out of shape- you need to get up right now.. i'll be there to pick you up in fifteen minutes so be ready downstairs." you looked around confused and your coworker/ friend explained, "there's some massive outage or something happening. i know we had off today but they're calling the entire office in to see if we can figure it out." you were already climbing out of bed and you pressed for more information, "what do you mean an outage?" théo shrugged and wiped sweat from his brow as he tried to make himself look less winded, "i dunno i was thinking a breach or something? whatever it is we'll find out but we gotta go right now babes." you hurriedly grabbed an outfit from your closet and started to get dressed and ready to go, keeping him on the line.

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

when you finally managed to get to his car, théo pointed to your phone and told you, "check twitter too, the fans are making jokes that you did something to the platform." despite having no idea what the hell he was talking about you opened twitter to see the flood of tweets under your name on the trending topics list. a pit formed in your stomach and you nearly fainted when you realized what he was talking about. you were completely new to this job and panic coursed through your veins on the thought of losing everything you worked hard for. the look of panic drew a laugh from your best friend and coworker as he jested, "they're funny aren't they?!" you shook your head and nearly shouted, "no it's not i'm gonna get fired!" théo waved off your concern, "girl the issue is definitely not from you and nobody thinks so. besides, dante from marketing and eleni from HR were sending the funny ones to our group chat...not that this isn't serious but just to make light of a shitty situation you know?" you shifted in your seat unsure how to feel and he promised, "i guarantee it's fine."

when you actually got to work with théo you were pulled into a meeting where you all were briefed about the situation. they clarified that they knew it was an issue with an update that was sent out early in the morning. after the meeting your boss told you that he knew you weren't supposed to be working today but you did need to stay and potentially over the weekend as well to help your team mitigate the issue as much as you all could. despite it being a global issue and not directly an issue from the monaco office, you knew that he meant he needed you there to help deploy the solution when it came through. he let you have a fifteen minute break to rearrange your travel plans and make the cancellations you needed before having you start work.

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

the work day ended later than usual, the later hours were spent at your home office while you were on meetings with other people on your team. luckily you were able to catch up with the results of max's first and second practice sessions through peeking at live updates while you worked. when you got the okay to clock out, you nearly fell asleep on your desk but waking back up when your boyfriend's ringtone jump scared you.

you kept your head on the desk as you opened the video call, "hey you." max's features softened when he noticed the look of exhaustion on your face, "it was that bad huh?" you gave a silent thumbs up and sighed, "i wish it didn't happen...i was so excited to come surprise you and finally be there to see you again. i'm sorry i can't make it work." max rushed to your defense, "er zijn nog genoeg andere races over in het seizoen, je kunt in plaats daarvan naar die races komen kijken." you let out an annoyed groan, "i know but i wanted to be there this time. now you'll have bad luck." max chuckled at the mention of the running joke of you being his lucky charm, "it's alright. don't worry your pretty little head about me. now come on let's go to sleep, i know you're tired." you shuffled your feet against your bedroom floor as you took your phone with you to get ready for the night. [there are plenty of other races left in the season, you can come and watch those races instead.]

as you lay in bed with your lights off max asked, "did you see they asked me about you today?" you hummed a soft, "nuh uh." he smiled at the memory and explained, "i was in an interview and they mentioned that your name was trending on twitter and asked if i saw it. i only saw that your name was trending but i didn't see what for so they told me fans made jokes that you crashed the mercedes, mclaren, and williams servers so that i could win this weekend." a sleepy smile crossed your lips and you asked, "what'd you say?" he turned over in his bed and answered, "i told them it wasn't you because you don't make mistakes in your work. you're too good at what you do. also that you aren't the one that sends out the updates so people don't need to use your name in a bad light." you grinned wider already knowing what he was going to say, "and how did that go over?" max let out an sigh and small chuckle, "the guys have been making fun of me all night for it." you let out the loudest laugh max has heard from you in weeks making him somewhat more fine with getting teased by his friends.

your laughter subsided and you told him, "tell me about something interesting." max thought for a moment then started rambling on about the geologic history of the netherlands, watching as your eyes started to droop with the passing minutes. falling asleep with your boyfriend still on the phone became a habit especially in the early days of you dating. but now you were spending more time with him that occurrences like this just started happening once more, leaving you missing his presence at night. as for now, this was the best you could get.

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

the end.

[vi-trying-to-survive]

We Can Share

Anthony Lockwood x f!Reader

Warnings: None this pretty much fluff only :) 💖💖💖

Summary: Lockwood and Y/N have to stay overnight in a hotel for a case, which is not the biggest problem until the room only has one bed

A/N: I hope you guys like it :) 💖💖💖 I wasn't sure how to feel about it and it is a little cliche but I couldn't get it out of my mind also :') 💖💖💖 Also sorry if updates are slow :') 💖💖💖 Hope you have a great day :) 💖💖💖

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So you're telling me they didn't have a cheaper room", she frowned, chasing after him.

He didn't look back, crumpling the receipt into his pocket, "Yes".

The straps of her bag weighed down on her shoulders, pulling her down close to the ground, as they walked up yet another flight of stairs. Her feet ached. If this hotel was so brilliant why were all the elevators broken ? It was probably because the location of their next job was far out of London, next to the middle of nowhere. She probably should have seen it coming when the train station was just a misshapen shack that was barely standing. George and Lucy had rather conveniently decided to sit this one out, something about providing assistance remotely. She rolled her eyes.

"Remind me again why we took this case", she groaned, finally catching up to him.

He chuckled, shaking his head, "They are paying us highly for our services".

"Mmhm", she closed her eyes, leaning against the wall. Money. It was the denominator of every fraction in their lives. She longed for a time when they wouldn’t be so dependent on it, to the point where they put their lives on the line just for it. It was a harsh reality, one they were used to, but if anything she could at least thank it for the people that had come into her life, for him.

"Oh come on it's not that bad", he grinned widely, readjusting the bag on his shoulder before handing her a dull looking iron key.

She gave him a pointed look, “That's what you always say"

"But is it ever a lie", he raised a brow. She couldn’t help but smile. It was never awful, not even subpar, not if she was with him. He just knew all the right buttons to press with her, granted he also knew the wrong ones but it didn’t happen often enough to be a concern. He was reckless and overconfident, but he was also sweet and funny. It was hard for her to not have a good time when they were together.

"No, but I am allowed to miss the comfort of home", she grinned. She twisted the key through the lock, swinging the door open.

"Well, you'll be there soon enough", he laughed.

"Oh", her smile faltered. The room itself was relatively normal, no expensive sheets or fantastic views. It was clean and tidy, the covers folded in neatly under the mattress. The only problem was that there was only one bed. She thought this only happened in books, but the universe decided to prove her wrong this one time and of course it had to be with him. She chewed her thumbnail. It was already too late for them to request another room. She wondered what to say. Who would even know what to say ? No one, because no one ever ends up in these kinds of situations, except her apparently.

"Right, this is fine, you take the bed, I'll take the floor", he dumped the bags haphazardly at the foot of the bed. He was already gathering some pillows off the bed.

She felt a twinge of sympathy and maybe something more. Call it a careless decision. In the moment she felt brave, or maybe she was just desperate, she wasn’t sure. Yet she was aware of the consequences, even as the words spilled out, “Don't be ridiculous, we can share".

"I- Only if you're alright with it", he was surprised. She couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad one. If she was being honest she was surprised too. It would have been easier to let him stay on the floor, kept a solid barrier between them. What had she gotten herself into ?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was dark when all the lights were turned out. Fortunately, she was quite accustomed to the dark. It didn't scare her. What scared her was the fact that she was lying in a bed with a boy next to her, a boy that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about for the past 6 months. It was not the most ideal situation, but she figured they'd been stuck in more compromising positions. Yet, her heart was still pounding like she'd run a marathon and she was working a little too hard to keep her breathing quiet. They had always been close, even from when she had first joined the agency. She had always summed it up to them being a good team. That was until it developed into something more elaborate. When had things changed ? When had they become complicated ?

"Are you comfortable ?", he turned towards her, whispering.

"Very", she hoped she sounded confident. Her hands were clasped together tightly over her chest as she stared at the ceiling. She refused to look at him. She just might explode from anticipation alone.

"You're practically falling off the mattress", he scoffed. So maybe she had forced herself to be at as close to the edge as she could without falling off. It was only to put a respectable amount of distance between them, so she could manage the night with some semblance of relaxation. She had been hoping that he would be ignorant enough for her plan to work, but he seemed to be the exact opposite. She sighed. This was going to be one of those long nights.

He wrapped an arm around her waist, "Come on".

"No I-", she pressed her lips together. Her body went rigid as he tugged her closer to the middle of the bed, closer to him. She felt overtly self-conscious, choosing to concentrate on breathing in and out, instead of the fact that her back was pressed tightly against his chest. It was a more difficult task than what she had anticipated, especially when the warmth from his body spread to her. Her confidence faltered, and she felt herself relax into him, “This is nice, actually".

"Surprising isn't it ?", his tone was sarcastic, but his hand still rested comfortably over hers.

She was confused to say the least. They were always close, but sharing near-death experiences could do that to a person. Still, the last few months had been different. His touch would linger a little longer before he pulled away hurriedly. She would feel his stare in a crowded room, but he never met her eyes. Maybe it would have been simpler if she had been more forward with him, but she hadn't, and it put her in a vulnerable position. She could have gone to sleep, but she didn't, "Lockwood ?".

"Yes ?", his hot breath left the hairs on the back her neck standing.

She pushed herself to sit up, "I can't keep doing this".

"Doing what ?", he mimicked her position. His brows were furrowed and he sounded unconvinced.

"This", she groaned, throwing her head onto her knees. Why was this so hard for him to understand ? Why was it so hard for her to tell him ? Why wouldn't her heart stop pounding ?

She took a breath in, "We always act like a couple but somehow we're just friends, I just- I need- I-". He watched her closely, eyes dropping to her lips, before pressing his against them. He tasted faintly of honey and tea. She was quick to respond, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and tugging him closer to her. Her racing heart finally seemed to slow. She felt relieved and desperate all at once. She hoped he felt the same too, and to some extent he must be, seeing as he was kissing her like she might disappear if he didn't.

"Was that a good enough answer for you ?", he chuckled, pulling away.

She was breathless, but stood by a nonchalant facade, "Well you didn't really say anything".

"What? I was trying to make a romantic gesture?", he pressed his lips together, falling back onto the bed. The springs creaked under the sudden weight.

She giggled, smoothing his hair and patting down the stray strands that were sticking out, “Just kidding".

She lay down on the bed, settling into his side. She wondered if this was just a dream, and that she would eventually wake to a version of him that was unaware. The thought alone made her eyes grow wide. Well, it wouldn't hurt to check she thought. She poked him harshly in the side, "Just so you know, I really like you".

He only grinned, "Thanks, I really like me too".

She hit him across the chest, "I hate you". Only Anthony Lockwood could be that big-headed. At least she could be sure that this was reality. Where he had gotten his ego, she would never know, but at least she could go to sleep in peace.

"Don't worry I really like you too", he laughed, softly pressing a kiss against her temple. Though, she thought, when he wanted to, he could also be sweet.

[niuniente]

YES THAT'S THE THING! The only negative thing I have heard about Buffy since it started airing in the late 90's is that Buffy always goes back to Angel, no matter what, and it can get boring.

After all, this is an extremely popular series. A cult classic. It has won lots of prizes and gotten nominations. Has gotten books, comics, a movie. Angel even got his own series!

And here I am, not believing what I'm seeing because the writing just sucks SO BAD AND MAKES NO SENSE and no, you can't say it's because the series is old.

This all is happening in S5. There have been inklings over the course that this series is indeed made by a man, because only a man would write romance or women like that. Nothing super big, just slightly annoying like "oh my god, no woman would actually think or do that".

The problem in S5 is that the series/creator clearly can't either understand what a healthy devotion is OR/AND can't commit to write Spike in one way only. He constantly contradicts himself without any given reason, which in this case would only be a severe mental health issue.

Spike is pictured as this lovesick puppy who would do anything for Buffy, a bit shy and really taking his time to gather his courage to confess his feelings, and who is also making sure that his actions won't hurt Buffy or her family, even if it would hurt or kill him. Like, this soft, gentle, sensitive man who will do anything to keep his lover safe and would never harm them in anyway. Every mother's dream son-in-law.

But Spike is also, at the very same time, pictured from this male perspective of a lovesick man; oh, isn't it romantic how he steals Buffy's clothes to smell them, has built an altar for her, has a Buffy mannequin at his crypt he treats violently when he gets angry, stalks her around her home because he can't help his feelings, how Spike asks her current girlfriend to roleplay Buffy in bedroom because otherwise he doesn't want to have sex with her, how he commissions this personal Buffy sex toy for his own pleasure and orgasms only, and how he kidnaps Buffy and tells Buffy he kills her if he can't have her? Oh, what romantic devotion, this man is SO in LOVE!

AND HE KEEPS GOING BACK AND FORTH! THIS EPISODE, HE WANTS TO KILL BUFFY. NEXT EPISODE HE ALMOST GETS KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WOULD NEVER ALLOW ANYTHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO BUFFY. WELL NOW HE STALKS BUFFY AND WANTS HER FOR HIMSELF ONLY, BUT NO, WAIT, HE'S ACTUALLY PROTECTING BUFFY'S FAMILY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BRING ANY SADNESS TO BUFFY.

Like, who the hell is he? Do you want him to be the every woman's dream man or every woman's nightmare? He can't be both at the same time, not without an explanation and no, him being a vampire and sensitive isn't a valid explanation for such drastic differences.

And BUFFY? Sweet lord, Buffy! She's all just "eew, no" about this whole ordeal of having an obsessive man who has killed two Slayers (and is apparently the only vampire who has ever won against a Slayer) after her. No worry in the world. No concern that this man could kill or rape her, or hurt her family in his temper tantrum? Just scolds him by saying "gross" and "leave me alone".

And here I thought the biggest issue for the upcoming Buffy and Spike romance would be Angel's existence.

Of course, the series is probably going to brush all this freaky stuff off like "Nah, never happened and look, he was just so desperately in love and Buffy is so very strong she is not afraid of anyone and has no sense of self-protection as a woman".

I just don't understand how this level of character writing is considered even remotely plausible, not to mention something to be celebrated as an excellent cult classic?

Maybe it's just the Season 5. Maybe I'm just too old. And too sad. I just want better for Buffy and Spike, separately and together.

EDIT: OK TURNS OUT THE CREATOR OF THE SERIES HATED SPIKE AND HIS ACTOR FOR MAKING SPIKE A FAN FAVORITE AND RUINING HIS ARTISTIC PLANS, AND THAT THE CREATOR IS BASICALLY JUST A MAN SIZE WALKING DICK. A clear attempt to make fans hate Spike in S5 writing.

[mecachrome]

What are your favorite moments between Lando and Oscar?

Do you read any books? If so, what kind, because I'm looking for inspiration for reading.

hi anon! 🧡

i've alr made 2 posts of my fav moments (oct 2023 / april 2024) so i'll gather some recent ones if that's ok !!! it's genuinely insane how much content we've gotten in the past 2-3 months hlskdh writing this made me realize i hadn't properly registered how ridiculous they've been ever since miami 😭

f1 24 ratings: i really think landoscar stand out sooo much in this video compared to the other grid pairings which are usually some combination of more diplomatic/reserved/normal/antagonistic around each other, like yes each pairing on the grid has a unique dynamic & many are friendly as well don't get me wrong! but here it's just... the sheer combination of how unreserved 814 are around each other, how they bicker/banter naturally, how they focus only on each other and get off-track and ramble about random things that have nothing to do with the ratings etc. that makes me so... @___@ basically against the much more "careful" interactions of other teammates you can tell landoscar are very evenly and comfortably matched and that's basically the ethos of why i like them in the first place !!!

the insanity of lando's praise kink in their android video (i did a good job? 🥺) + oscar indulging him the entire time + lando telling oscar that he has a SOOTHING VOICE before immediately getting all shy about it and trying to laugh it off... girl

Are you more of a moaner or a grunter: like first of all What on earth. but also in general i always find landoscar soo amusing on filmed radio shows because it really highlights their sense of mischief + ability to communicate with nothing but meaningful glances LOL. like they are so good at feeling out the other's sarcasm and going along with jokes on the fly / knowing where the limit is which is why lando can be like oh we hate each other oscar is my biggest rival 🙄 and oscar just thinks lando is being silly & cute 😭😭😭

entirety of silverstone wknd esp post-race fan stage esp "you're going to let down sooo many people :(" and oscar immediately giggling and going "well since you put it that way!!" + the fact that lando stroked oscar's shoulder and stared him down for an eternity before patting his arm and oscar teasingly elbowed lando back about being the home favorite + just the shoey and the face oscar made at lando when he was trying to egg him on + oscar continuously ragdolling at everything lando says or does even when it's not even remotely funny?!?! 😭 Don't even get me started on the bracelets.

team hub tour has such a wealth of different moments but i think the one people talk about the most is You Frickin' Muppet which frankly permanently lives in my brain ! but it's also once again just sweet to see how comfortable they are in their personal/shared space and how oscar pleasantly nods along to all of lando's commentary (even when he's LYING). also the hammock moment 😔 anon i like them

last but certainly not least -> POST-AUSTRIA LANDO INTERVIEW.... (head in hands) actually felt unwell about this moment for days the entire thing is still so crasy to me. like the barely suppressed impatience and lando's emotions clearly running high and you can tell he's still feeling unwell and just generally Done with the weekend, and then oscar suddenly passes by and before lando even really properly sees him he's running off to congratulate him??? out of everything we've gotten in the past few months this one really krills me...

2. for books: anon i'm afraid i haven't read properly in wayyy too long i'm sorry! 😭 my health problems and brain fog make it difficult to focus although i know i should really get back into it...

anyway this is even more embarrassing but i almost exclusively read books about gay people HLKSDFH. like literally. i mostly enjoy bittersweet gay fiction & non-fiction, recently-ish i read garth greenwell - what belongs to you and some of my old favs are carmen maria machado - in the dream house, el-mohtar/gladstone - this is how you lose the time war, and kira t madden - long live the tribe of fatherless girls... for example 💀 was also like halfway through young mungo and all this could be different but i kind of forgot about them whoops

otherwise i loooove love love graphic novels !!! i'm a big fan of all forms of sequential art & animation and take Supporting The Arts very seriously :') some of my favs are tillie walden - on a sunbeam and trung le nguyen - the magic fish — i adore tillie walden and in general am just a fan of a lot of stuff published by first second *__*

also if you want to read about f1 i genuinely find jenson's autobiography (life to the limit) so entertaining LOL... it's a really quick n breezy read but "his" writing voice is still witty & fun imo :') also last year i listened to the first book of the beartown trilogy while i was stuck in the hospital and immediately read the other two after and the entire experience lowk CHANGED MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE... tbf i am a hockey fan so this somewhat influenced my perception but it's really so much more than a hockey series the hockey is just a vehicle for like dissecting the human condition and what not. fredrik backman is literally crasyyy 2 me how does he understand people so well how does he dig into people's psyches like that... *__* anyway i won't say too much but benji ovich is unironically the character of my life. my blorbo if you will 😔

ok sorry this was probably a useless ramble HKLSDFH but thank uuu for the ask <3 let us reminisce on all these beautiful 814 moments

[thelreads]

sigh.

Alright, let me put my thoughts down. But first, put this song to play as you read them

oh my god where do I even begin?

Look, it had been a long time that I had given up hope on this story having some sort ending that was remotely close to what it was supposed to be, but this one... I'm honestly kinda bummed.

Again, feel free to disagree, I do respect you if you like it and the manga in general, but me... God, I'm actually kinda down because of what happened.

As it approached the ending it all just started getting more and more contrived, more and more nonsensical, but I still kept going, because I wanted to see it through. Now... I don't regret it, I still like all the potential it had from the get go, it's just the execution that let me down.

I think the biggest problem is that it wanted to be a lot of things all at once, and above all, it wanted to be bigger than the main series. The series was too ambitious for what it was supposed to be, and it all came tumbling down.

I like koichi and pop, I like the designs, I like all the sweet promises that the story whispered into my ear as it all began. I'm just not happy with how they came to end.

Because, at the end of the day, what was the point of it all? It was all so koichi could be a real hero? He already was a hero for the people of Naruhata, but the story treats it like it was just a kid messing around, the story itself treats what koichi did as just playing around without taking it serious.

The story itself degrades itself and at the end goes and says "Now Koichi is a REAL hero, alright, NOW he is making a difference"

this is all so... sad

It's so sad that the whole story just points and laugh at itself, and treats the whole journey like it wasn't important, the only thing that mattered was only koichi becoming a pro hero.

And I reread the first chapter again, and it was actually really good, I think that almost on par with the one from the Main series. It set the tone, it set the stage, it set the characters, it set conflict, and then somewhere along the way it all just... changed

And it wasn't more a story about how a person could fight for justice and make a difference in spite of not being a licensed pro hero. It was just about heroes unknowingly fighting AfO while koichi was around.

And not only the plot was mistreated and abandoned, the characters started to more and more being flanderized into caricatures that fitted the standard tropes so they could be more digestible to the public. God forbid they were unique on their own ways with their own flaws.

...

I will be revisiting this manga eventually. I will reread it, and I'll take those promises and this potential and I will write that fanfiction. I said it once before that I didn't want it to be seen as me spiting the author, and going "I can do it way better than you", and now more than ever I want that to be known. I won't write this fanfiction because I disliked the story, on the contrary, I will write it out of respect for what it could've been. Because I love the forest that could've grown rather than the charred remains that the fire left behind.

And now... I think I need to go watch something to cheer me up. Catharsis is not always a pleasant thing to go through.

[jyndor]

atla fans can be pretty orientalist ngl like TEXTBOOK orientalist.

like okay I know I know the original show is so good but it isn't perfect and there is PLENTY of room for improvement. plenty. we all knew this at the time, back when it was airing and then there was that long break between books 2 and 3. like we all knew it was great but also had its problems. idk why fans from the original run act like this show is perfect.

one of the biggest problems has always been how white the writers room was. how the creators, especially bryke, were profiting by selling the aesthetics of various asian and indigenous peoples to a us american audience.

this is how you get the borderline weird anti-indigenous focus on sexism and misogyny in the water tribes without much exploration of how sexism and misogyny impacted other groups. like actually I'm GLAD that it's toned down but still present in the live action show because sokka was mostly around women and girls for a lot of his teen years. why would HE be so over the top sexist? like in comparison with anyone else, it makes no sense. unless of course you think about it through the lens of how white colonizers tend to think of indigenous peoples - backwards.

I think it's interesting that this show is mostly being worked on by Asian and indigenous people and so many fans never even wanted to give it a chance. I know, I know- I remember the film too. but from the jump, fans have been so quick to dismiss EVERY little detail* or leak without even seeing it first.

bryke are a big part of the story, I know. but they are not all of the people who were behind it. it seems to me that a lot of the fans of this show are weirdly protective of these two white guys who decided to part from the show. they weren't forced out, they left. and yes I'm biased because I saw just how shitty they treated fans of zutara (largely girls and VERY, VERY diverse) at literal conventions, how they egged on some toxic bullying from other parts of the fanbase to the point that frankly it's never really worth engaging in non-zutara fan spaces because people are so reactive and weird about even the mention of zutara. and then these same assholes will make comparisons to reylos as if zutara fans EVER harassed poc fans and especially actors. but whatever, that's my bias. but I can respect that they also created this amazing show that I've loved for half of my life.

I still see it as a good thing that the people working on this show come from the cultures bryke and nickelodeon profited off of without giving anything back.

so I guess my question to white fans is this: if you haven't watched yet because you are mad about bryke or some of the changes you've heard about or whatever, why do you not trust people from the cultures atla draws upon to adapt this story? are you just here to consume exotic aesthetics? why are bryke the only people who can sell those aesthetics to you?

*btw I'm not talking about the sokka casting shit, that's different and should be criticized. Also Albert Kim was the showrunner of Sleepy Hollow and was complicit in racist treatment of Nicole Beharie so he is not someone I trust very much. also there are definitely critiques I have of the show but it's not bad, not even remotely. it's worth watching.

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #1171: The Diary of Beartrap (Epithet Erased)

Dear Diary,

It's been a while, hasn't it?~ I'm sorry it took too long for me to write to you. Quite a lot has happened to me as of late: Some hectic, some exciting, a few rough patches and there, but I promise you there's a lot good after that. In fact, my life has gotten a lot better since it ever been, but I'm getting way ahead of myself already, so let's get started , shall we?

To get the bad and obvious out of the way, my relationship with my family hasn't improved at all unfortunately. Lorelai's still as lazy and self-centered ever while always constantly butting heads with me every chabce she gets, dad-no, Martin, is too investing in his own little world to even care about anything anymore, and I always had to spend the last few years of my life, watching over the toy store and keep it up float while cleaning up THEIR messes on a daily basis! And yeah, I HATE every second of it and EVERYDAY!!

.....But it couldn't be helped. The day mother left has been really rough for all of us since then, so it's not too hard to understand why our relationship became so....distant, hollow, dysfunctional and so.....messy. I should've realized sooner that things would turn out the way it did and be more prepared, but even then, I doubt it would've been any less stressful and draining than it was now and after everything Lorei put me and my friends through in her fantasy world of hers that night, I decided enough was enough and leave everything behind me: the toy store, the people I used to call my family, and.....my previous life up to this point..........

And I'm happy I made that choice, because like I said, my life really turned around for a whole lot better since then. I'm doing a lot better in school, I get to spend more time with my friends stressed-free, I even did a few other things I've never thought i would ever get to do in whole life: like being a part of school plays, attend football amd basketball games, and making these suuuuuper yummy cinnamon apple raisins waffle in cute cub head shapes~

To tell you truth, I don't think any of this would be even remotely be possible if it weren't for the two people who are working their butts off into looking after me as of late: Crusher, the biggest teddy bear of a sweetheart I have ever met (Which is pretty ironic considering he actually went as a teddy bear for Halloween last year. So freaking adorable!~ i should really remember to him again when he and the others come back), and my one and only boss: Giovanni Potage.

I honestly don't think I have the proper words to express how much he means to me or even how thankful I truly am for everything heaven done for me so far. He taught me how to be more confident in myself and become more assertive, he goes out of his way and beyond to try to help me with stuff in general, and he even went out of his way to take me our of my miserable home life and does his very best to look after me to this very. He sees a lot more value and importance in me than I even realized I have any myself. He did all of this is.....because he cares about me. Because he loves me. And......I love him too. So much that.....I wanna do whatever I can to help him out: with our new villain group, any of his newer evil schemes, and everything else in general. It's the least I can do for everything he have done for me thus far.

To this day, I still don't think I have a clue as to what the future will have in store for me or what to expect going forward, but I won't let it scare me off that easily. I won't let my past life take a hold of me any longer. I am going to live rest of my life to the fullest by my own accord and with the people I truly love and cherish. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can go screw themselves right off to the blazing sun, cause I'm not stopping one bit!

Giovanni: (In the Other Room) Ohh Beeartraaaaap!~ Dinner's finally ready!~

Crusher: And we finally return with SNACKS!

Spike: Annnnd a good amount of decent quality movies we can all watch!~ None of which were chosen by Ben thank God!

Ben: Dude, seriously!?

Car Crash: Hey, we're not the ones who brought tickets to that knock off Ice Age movie that one time, didn't we?

Ben: ('Let's Out a Frustrated Scream')

Molly: (Giggles Softly) Coming! (Finishes Up Writing on her Diary)

Okay, as much as I would love to stay and wrote, I gotta go now. We're having lasagna and a whole movie night tonight. They said they'll be a lot a movie to watch through this time around, so fingers crossed for at least a few of them to be decent. But until then, I'll try and write to you more often. It is one of my many New Years Resolutions after all, might as well make the most out of them.

Love,

Molly Blyndeff A.K.A. Beartrap

@aprilbrowines

[andreal831]

I just don't see the appeal for Haylijah. Aside from them having nothing in common or any chemistry whatsoever, they were easily the most cringe, disgusting, trashiest, and incestuous ship to ever exist. There's nothing beautiful and romantic or even remotely hot and sexy about a ship, where a man falls for a woman pregnant with his brother's child, and said woman is a terrible mother as a result of being more worried and thirsty over jumping her daughter's uncle's bones, rather than worrying about her pregnancy and daughter, which were far more important. Just look at how she wasted no time cheating on Jackson the first opportunity she got. I mean, I understand she was basically marrying Jackson for convenience, but come on. She literally just told Elijah she's engaged, and she goes and does that.

And don't even get me started on what a complete bitch and straight up cunt she was to Gia when she found out she was seeing Elijah. And at this point, she's already married to Jackson and has already found out about Dahlia. This just once again proves what a terrible mother Hayley is, because instead of being more concerned with the looming threat after her child, she's more concerned with banging two dudes at once and having all the attention on her. She can't even be bothered to be the tiniest bit grateful that Gia helped her out with her daughter, which she was under no obligation whatsoever to do, since that's not her problem anyway. 

And same goes for Rebekah, who spent six months of her life with Hope. And once Rebekah's nanny services were no longer required, Hayley is quick to turn on her at the drop of a dime and ready to kill her too and for what exactly? And on top of that, thinking Klaus and Elijah would agree to that? Talk about being the most selfish, disrespectful, and ungrateful bitch to ever exist. Rebekah was a way better mother to Hope in those six months than Hayley ever was throughout Hope's whole life.

Now, let's go onto Elijah and his views of women. He doesn't genuinely love the women he falls for. He loves the idea of them and whatever image and picture he paints of them in his head. And the minute they don't live up to the ideal pure, innocent, and virginal woman he pictured in his head, he drops them like a bad habit. I guarantee if he knew who Hayley really was as a person and about her history on TVD, and if he was anything in character at all, he'd have thrown her ass to the curb the same way he did with Katherine. 

And you say Elijah is not a hypocrite? He's the biggest hypocrite to ever exist and there's plenty of proof on both shows to prove it. Being buddy-buddy with Elena and even sympathetic to her for losing her brother, and even dumping Katherine over that. But having nothing to say about Elena having killed two of his brothers, and then having the gall to say on TO, "No one hurts my family and lives." Or what about having the gall to judge Cami for letting her feelings for Klaus cloud her judgment (which she wasn't, she was being very reasonable), when he did the exact same thing with Hayley, which is why he daggered Klaus and let Hayley run off with Hope in the first place? Yeah, Elijah is not the perfect, moral, and noble man you've all been brainwashed into thinking he is. 

Before you assume anything or put words in my mouth ... no, I don't ship Klayley or Klaroline either. And let's also not forget that Julie Plec promised fans that TO would be more about the family dynamics and exploring more of the Originals past and wouldn't have the same love triangle drama TVD did. Talk about the biggest bold-faced lie ever told. If anything at all, Klayley and Haylijah solidified for me why a love triangle was not needed for TO. Julie Plec should've just kept her word. Now, Elijah/Francesca and Elijah/Gia would've made for far better, more interesting, more compelling, and definitely way hotter and sexier pairings. 

Hello love. I adore the fact that you are still thinking of me after all of these weeks. Although I hope you haven't spent too much of your time being this upset.

Despite all of that, I'm going to take this ask seriously, or as serious as possible. It will be the last one from you I respond to, the rest will simply be deleted. But if that is how you wish to waste your time, have fun!

So your first complaint is that you don't see the appeal of haylijah. And that's fine! There are a lot of different ships for different people. I don't make it a practice to tell people who to ship. Rather, I love talking about things I love, like haylijah. Thank you for providing me another opportunity to do so!

To me, haylijah has so much chemistry. From the first moment they met, I knew they would be a main ship. They had so much chemistry that the show dropped the whole brothers love triangle because it didn't compare. Again, that's too me (and the show runners), if you disagree, that's great for you! I don't get how it's incestuous since they aren't related... But if you find it that way, maybe this show isn't for you. If they are problematic for you, I'm not sure what ship you can really like.

I think Elijah falling in love with Hayley was so beautifully done. I also want to point out the way you talk about Hayley as a human incubator for Klaus is not the move. Elijah didn't fall in love with Hayley as a woman who was pregnant with his brother's kid, but as a woman. Full stop. Let's not reduce women down to their sex lives or mother's down to one aspect of their being. Also you saying Hayley is a terrible mother destroys any remaining credibility you had. Hayley is the best mother in this show, even though the bar is on the floor. At no point did she put her relationship with any man over Hope. In fact, so much of the fandom hates her for that. To finish that up, she never cheated. Hope that helps. She was not in a relationship with Jackson when she slept with Elijah and she told Jackson about it, who didn't have an issue with it. So I don't know why you do.

Your language you use to discuss women is curious. You act like a warrior for Gia and yet you would use derogatory words to talk about women. Yes, Gia deserved better. We all agree. But Gia and Hayley have like four scenes together. A couple of which show them working together. I promise you, ever woman on that show has made immature comments to another woman because the writers are immature and sexist. She was grateful to Gia though. Or are you conveniently forgetting that scene?

You also seem awfully concerned abut a character's sex life when she has maybe one sex scene a season. It's almost like you are trying to tear down a woman for having sex. So I think you are the issue here. Not Hayley. You try to use it to say she is a terrible mother and wife, again reducing her down to two aspects of her personality and are essentially trying to slut shame a woman whose bodily autonomy was robbed from her in so many ways.

I can't even take you seriously on your take with Rebekah. The only time she ever threatened Rebekah's life was when she was possessed by Eva and she did so in defense of her daughter, which seems to cut against your stance that she's a bad mother. And again, with your sexist language. Rebekah only had to be a mother for six months when she got to live safely away from the chaos and war of New Orleans and then Rebekah bailed when Hope needed her most. Hayley raised her and never once abandoned her daughter.

Your idea of Elijah is comical and based on nothing but your own spite. It's concerning how upset it makes you. At this point I don't think you even agree with half of what you say but you think everyone here is as immature as you and try to attack our "weaknesses." I promise you, I am not so immature as to be affected that you don't like my favorite characters. I love people always say "virginial women" and yet you clearly don't understand what that means. Elijah has never once been attracted to a "ideal pure, innocent and virginial woman." First of all, you say it as if these ideas are black and white. You either are or you aren't. Saying this is discrediting the amazing, strong, witty women that he loves. I think it's funny you don't think Elijah is aware of what happened in TVD with Hayley. But he does know what she did in TO and still loved her, so your point is invalid. He left Katherine for betraying him, yet again. Which is fair.

I love the amount of research you've done though. Each paragraph is clearly targeted at different posts I've made on here. I'm really flattered. That being said, I've already discussed the hypocrite thing, so I'm not going to get into it again. But you clearly don't know what the definition of hypocrisy is so it doesn't even matter.

I don't have to put words in your mouth. You are incapable of brevity and make yourself look bad all on your own. But I am laughing out loud at a Elijah/Francesca and Elijah/Gia triangle. Talk about Elijah being a hypocrite and being with the woman who is trying to take down his family. Have you even watched the show?

This is fun and all and I appreciate you came more prepared than the last time we spoke. I also love that you can't respond because you have to hide behind your anonymity in the ask box so I get to have the last word here.

I say this with all of the sincerity in the world, I think you need to take a break from this fandom. I know it is a safe space for so many people, but for others, it becomes an unhealthy obsession and will only serve to make you more upset. If this fandom is no longer a happy place for you, it isn't worth staying in it. Try to use this fandom to build each other up and connect with people who love the same things as you. For so long, this fandom has helped me because of the amazing people I've met. There are so many beautiful souls who would love to have genuine conversations with you, but if you keep acting this way, you are only serving to isolate yourself.

If you ever want to talk, to genuinely talk, my inbox is open. But if you only wish to spread hate, please stay off of my page.

[jawritter]

Carry On

Chapter 5

Summary: It was just a simple hunt, found on a pie festival. It was supposed to be easy. Something they’d all done one hundred and one times a million. No one could have told Y/N, Dean, and Sam that nothing from that point on would ever be the same again.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader x Sam Winchester

Word Count: 2023

Warnings: Pain, Angst, Just generally feeling like things aren’t getting any better. 

Due to the graphic nature of this fic, and the fact that it will eventually contain Smut. This fic is an 18 + only fic! If you’re under 18 DO NOT read this fic!

A/N: This fic is beta’d by @kazsrm67 Thanks so much love! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! I hope you all enjoy this ride with me!

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“Dean, come on, you need to at least try and eat something, even if it’s not but a few bites,” Y/N pleaded as she sat there with a piece of grilled chicken stuck to the end of a fork. 

Dean shook his head with a grimace and turned away from her. She sighed heavily as she sat the food back down on the dinner tray the orderly had brought in and placed in front of her so she could help Dean eat. 

“Dean, if you don’t eat they’re gonna want to put a feeding tube down your throat, and they will put you back in the ICU; you have to eat something.”

Of all the challenges she thought she was going to have to face with Dean over the first week that he’d woken up, eating was not one of them. Dean Winchester liked his food. While she knew it wasn’t a double bacon cheeseburger, she’d seen the dude eat prison food for fuck’s sake, hospital food wasn’t much different, she never would have guessed he’d all but refuse to eat a bit of food once he’d woken up. Yet here they were on day five, and it seemed to be getting worse and worse. 

“Stomach hurts,” he murmured, and Y/N didn’t deny that it most likely did. He was on a lot of pain medication, as well as nausea meds, but if anyone has ever been on a Morphine pump like Dean had been for days, or was on the amount of IV antibiotics they were shifting through him roughly every four hours, it did tend to make you queasy, even with the anti nausea meds. 

“That’s probably because you’re not eating enough Dean. You’re on a lot of medication and you’re weak, you need to eat to regain some of your strength,” she tried again as she picked up the small bite of chicken on the fork, and brought it to his dry, cracked lips. He reluctantly took the bite. 

There was no easy way of saying it, but Dean looked horrible. He’d lost a good bit of weight, between the struggle of eating since he’d been awake, and his time in the coma. His hair was everywhere. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes, and he was still a good bit pale. 

What hurt her the most, more than all of that, was the light that seemed to always be in those candy apple green orbs of his had just simply gone out. The joking, annoyingly charming Dean Winchester she knew was just gone. It was almost as if he’d just given up.

“There we go,” she smiled at him, “one bite at a time.”

Technically, Dean could probably feed himself. He had pretty good use of his right arm. His left on the other hand, that one he could only bring up so far before the pain started an excruciating track from his back to his chest. The problem seemed to be sitting up, even just inclining the bed a little became unbearably painful very quickly, and it was hard to feed himself when he was stuck laying flat on his back. 

Pain management had become another one of the biggest challenges since he’d woken up. At first, they thought they had it under control, but then two days later, the pain medication didn’t seem to be working for more than two hours before he was literally withering in pain again. So after a very long day of adjusting and readjusting medications, they finally put him on a Morphine pump, which worked so far. Even though about thirty minutes before the light would turn green on his remote, indicating that he could give himself another dose, he was fingering the controller, which let her know that the discomfort was very much still there, and as soon as the light turned green, he didn’t hesitate in pushing it. 

After only a handful of bites he turned his head away, with a grunt. “I can’t,” he admitted. “Please don’t make me eat any more of that.”

“Okay,” Y/N agreed with a heavy sigh, glad he’d at least taken a few bites of food, and pushed the tray away from him as he coughed and flinched from the action. She wasn’t about to force feed him; that would  just be cruel. “Why don’t I call Sam later, see if he can get you some pie in here, or maybe we can split a burger, how does that sound?”

Dean pouted slightly, as he took the straw in his mouth, and drank a good bit of the Sprite she was holding for him. He wasn’t on any dietary restrictions that she was aware of, and at this point she was willing to try anything to get some food in him. 

“Maybe… Maybe he could bring one of those chicken strip baskets from Dairy Queen, you know, the ones that have the white gravy with them?” he said after a moment, and she hurriedly picked up the phone to text Sam his order. 

“If that’s what you want, handsome, then you got it,” she said, before coming to sit down on the bed next to him, taking his hand in hers again; careful not to jostle him at all, or cause him any more discomfort. 

A heavy silence fell into the room, as it often did in moments like this; moments where neither of them seemed to know what to say to one another, because nothing that she could say could take this away, or make it better for him.

She hated this. She hated to see him lying helpless in this bed. She hated not having the happy, annoying, cocky hunter that Dean was walking around hitting on everything that moved, and annoying the fuck out of Sam and Eileen. She hated that she couldn’t take his place, because she would have in a heart-beat. Dean had been through so much. He’d lost so much. He’d given more than anyone else she’d ever known to everyone’s plight but his own. This wasn’t fair. 

“What are you thinking about,” Dean asked, his voice rough and barely above a whisper, but it startled her out of her daze all the same. 

“Nothing,” she lied, giving him her best fake smile. “Nothing at all.”

“Liar,” Dean accused. “Sweetheart you’re looking at the king of everything’s fine, and nothing actually is. You’re gonna have to do better than that.”

Y/N narrowed her eyes at him, hating the way he could seem to read her, even though this is the most time they had ever spent with one another… well ever.

“It’s nothing you need to worry about. All you need to do is focus on getting better.”

Y/N reached over Dean and grabbed the remote that had the nurse call button attached to it, and placed it in Dean’s reach before turning the volume up slightly on what looked like some old horror movie playing on the small screen, in hopes of attracting Dean’s attention to it, and away from her worrying. The last thing he needed was to get stuck in his head, and some of the thoughts she’d been struggling against lately would effectively stick him there. 

Dean’s eyes trained for the TV for a moment, but it didn’t seem to capture his attention the way she’d hoped it would. Instead he just huffed a shallow breath and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. 

“Dean, what’s wrong? Is the pain back?” she questioned, quickly reaching for the call button that was on the remote. 

Dean shook his head slightly and cleared his throat before looking back at her; she released the remote she was still holding, letting it fall back down onto the bed.

“Everything’s gonna change now,” he murmured after a while, finding his favorite spot to stare out of, which happened to be the only window available in the room.

Y/N nodded, knowing it would do no good to lie to him, because if Dean was nothing else the man was smart, and she was sure that he’d had plenty of time since he’d woken up to lay there and think about everything that happened to him, and what it might mean for him in the future; even if he hadn’t vocalized it yet with anyone. 

“Change isn’t always a bad thing ya know. One door closes, another opens. Chuck’s no longer an issue. Hunting has gone back to old school, very little demons and big bads left out there. It might be time for a change. I’d say you’ve given more than your share of time Dean. Even if you can’t hunt anymore, I’m sure there are other things you can do. It’s not the end of all things.”

Dean ran his right hand down his face, as he stared off into the distance, a tired expression on his face. 

“I don’t know how to be or do anything else,” he admitted. “Everything I wanted to do, even if it was something other than hunting, it’s just not gonna happen now. If you hear the doctors tell it I’m lucky to even be breathing, much less walk again.”

“Dean, it’s all still so fresh, it’s too soon to make those kinda calls. Just give it some time. They said when the swelling goes down, then you will most likely regain some feeling. They said it’s gonna take time. Give it time. Don’t rush it.”

Dean licked his lips, and his nostrils flared as his face turned red as he fought against his own emotions before he was able to shove it back down. 

“I’m just someone’s burden now. I can’t even fucking sit up to feed myself. I would have been better off if—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence Dean Winchester,” Y/N cut him sternly. “Don’t you dare think for one minute you would have been better…” She couldn’t finish the sentence, but instead looked away from him for a moment as she tried to collect herself. Him seeing her upset is not what he needed right then. 

“You’re not a burden Dean,” she said after a moment, squeezing his hand in hers. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but trust me, things will get better. You’re right, they won't ever be what they were, but that doesn’t always mean it’s a bad thing. You’ve given up and lost so much, it’s past time that you let someone take care of you, and it’s a damn honor to do it as long as you will let me. There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing; nowhere else I’d rather be. That’s not a burden, I promise you.”

Dean said nothing, just kept his gaze anywhere but her as he played with the sheets that were laying across his stomach. He didn’t believe her, and Y/N knew it, but everything she said was the truth. She did count it as an honor to take care of him. That he trusted her enough to stay there with him in what was probably his most vulnerable state. Right now, Dean was thinking about none of that, all he could see was pain, and she understood that too, because anyone facing what he was facing, anyone as independent as Dean had always been anyway, would be able to see nothing but pain and loss. Change usually does hurt, but this was a little excessive. 

Y/N reached and placed her free hand on his thigh, and Dean’s eyes widened, his head snapping over to look at her with shocked green eyes, and she narrowed her own as she looked back at him, trying to figure out what she had done wrong, instinctively removing her hand. 

“No, no,” Dean said, grabbing her hand and placing it back down on his leg again, this time putting the force of his own hand behind it along with her own.

“What’s wron—”

“I can feel it,” he said, suddenly, the voice of someone who’d just had the wind knocked out of him, “I can feel your hand.”

Forever:

@demongirl1996​​​​​  

@as-lost-as-sams-shoe​​​​​

@jensenslady79​​​​​

@wittysunflower

@spnwoman​​​​​

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@unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men​​​​​

@stixnstripesworld​​​​​

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@nancymcl​​​​​

@christycreature​​​​​

@whiskey-infused-dreams​​​​​

@supernatural79impala​​​​

@deandreamernp​​​​​

@forgetthisbull​​​​​

@miraclesoflove​​​​​

@slamminmine​​​​​

@deanwanddamons​​​​​

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Jensen and Dean’s Babes

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[crplpunkklavier]

can we perhaps get an apollojustice analysis🧐👉👈

he’s rude he has no volume control he cries in court he punches his clients he’s my sonsband he’s the light of my life. greg davies vc its LITTLE APOLLO JUSTICE

alright so i don’t know that i’d call any of what i do here a character analysis. i know you sent this in response to my post with klavier writing advice, so i’ll try to do the same here. this is a collection of things i try to keep in mind when i write apollo.

1. he’s rude

this one’s great. followers may know this about me, but i am also rude. it’s come up in my posts sometimes, because i actually have such poor manners that it becomes a problem for me every now and then. i swear a lot! it just comes out of me. sometimes, i have to write characters who don’t swear, or who swear very little, and that’s hell. that is hell for me. it’s a miracle i haven’t cursed yet in this post. just makes it easier to express shit, you know?

but apollo swears. i promise you that. apollo justice swears like a fuckin sailor. i…… will be honest i can’t be assed to find it, but there is a post on here where a lovely tumblr user broke down the speaking styles of various aa characters in the japanese original. if anyone wants to go find it and let me know, be my guest!! but what i remember about that is that apollo justice has a pottymouth. and ever since i’ve read that, i have clung to it with all my might. look me in the eyes. let apollo justice say fuck.

he also has no social skills. he isn’t rude on purpose! although i think sometimes he can be. i think he can be a mean little pissant when he doesn’t like someone. you know he would have ended daryan crescend’s life then and there if they hadn’t been in court.

but anyway, i think sometimes he is also just pretty bad at talking to people. he’s a lawboy! he’s built to practice law! he doesn’t know how to do anything else!! when he sees that vera is scared in the detention center, he makes the perhaps worst attempt at smalltalk we ever see in the entirety of the series. he doesn’t know how to be tactful, and he isn’t going to learn, because aside from law apollo is also all about truth. he sees lies, and he’s a bad liar himself, but sometimes lying is expected of you in social situations, and he’s not going to do it, and he won’t like it when other people do it. he’d rather be rude. and he will be. he will be very rude.

2. he has no volume control

as a person with adhd. very nice to write. i’ve never uttered a quiet sentence in my life. everything i’ve ever said i’ve screamed at the top of my lungs. also not on purpose! it just comes out that way.

if you write apollo justice, just remember to make him scream now and then. whenever he’s remotely excited about anything? scream. have him animate it with his body too! apollo’s sprites don’t just slam the desk, he hits it with both fists! he jumps back in surprise when something happens, and he pokes his big old forehead when he has to think. he’s an animated guy, and whatever reaction feels exaggerated to you in the moment is probably the one to go for.

3. he cries in court

and now, for something completely different.

he’s a little softie. :] we all remember apollo being in tears when he thought trucy had been kidnapped, even though he barely knew her then. he also mentions journaling in canon, where he goes back and leaves intricate retellings of his adventures in his diaries. also!! he really enjoys lamiroir’s music. for all that he’s loud and brash and impulsive, at the end of the day, the man probably sits down with a cup of tea and a soft-lit desk lamp to write about his day.

i would also like to take this moment to remind everyone of his reaction to meeting plum kitaki.

???: You, kid with the hair. You want something? Apollo: Urk! M-M-Me? No, not a thing! Bye! Trucy: Apollo! We can't leave without questioning her! What if she knows something! Apollo: B-But th-the Kitaki Family...! (They're the biggest organized crime syndicate in town!) ???: If you're going to ask something, ask it. If you're man enough. Apollo: Waaaaugh! R-Right! Trucy: Yay! Way to whip him into shape, ma'am! Apollo: (Does she know no fear!?) Plum: I'm Plum. Plum Kitaki. Wife of the fourth head of the Kitaki Family business. Friends call me Little Plum. Apollo: I-I'm l-little Apollo Justice, attorney at law. *gulp*

that’s right. he’s little apollo justice. :) cmaaahn. he’s just a little guy, and it’s also his birthday.

4. he punches his clients

ok, he punched one client.

i’m bringing these up in this order though because i think apollo’s impulsiveness is a really fun juxtaposition to him shaking and sobbing at having to speak to a woman on the street and in broad daylight, across from an active police scene swarming with cops no less, just because her name is kitaki. because i still think he IS impulsive.

i’ve had klavier bring this up in exorcism because it’s still one of my favorite apollo bits:

Klavier: Let us imagine you are walking through the park. You see two men facing each other. One with a pistol trained on the other. ...What would you do, Herr Forehead? Apollo: Well, I... I guess... I would try to stop them. I'd probably shout, "Stop!" Klavier: And you, Fräulein? Trucy: M-Me? Well... I'd probably scream, "Eeeeeek!" [a bit later] Stickler: Tossing the pistol aside, he fled from the scene. Apollo: [Hold it!] You didn't try to apprehend the criminal? 

i just… i mean, who would. who in their right mind would “try to apprehend the criminal.” i’d shit my pants, klavier, that’s what i’d do in that situation.

but apollo seems pretty sure that he would intervene, and you know what? i believe him. i think if apollo justice walked through a park and saw a guy shoot someone and then take off, he would fully chase after him like a fucking rabid dog, and then he’d probably jump him and call the cops, and when they’d get there they’d find bite marks on the guy for some reason.

he just also gets really scared when he sees mafiosi, instead of attempting to arrest them. essentially i just think, apollo sees something, anything, and reacts to it in the biggest, wildest way possible. a mafioso will have a normal conversation with him and apollo will scream and cry. a passerby will hold a knife to someone’s throat and apollo will single-handedly beat him to a pulp. phoenix wright will smile at him and apollo will uppercut his childhood hero. it doesn’t have to make sense. it just has to be batshit.

5. other stuff

two more things i’ve thought about a lot while learning to write apollo are his loyalty and his confidence.

loyalty first: there is not an ounce of misplaced loyalty in this man. once it became clear that kristoph was the borscht bowl club killer, apollo was on him, and he took him down. i fully believe that if phoenix had been the killer, apollo would have done the exact same to him. there is one moment in turnabout succession when kristoph first takes the stand, where apollo kind of gulps and thinks that this still feels like he’s his mentor, but he gets over that PRETTY quickly lol. and he wasn’t thinking about sparing kristoph for being his mentor, he just remembered to stand up straight and be a good lawyer in front of him.

confidence second. i get. SO bothered. when people write apollo without it. you listen to me. this five foot nothing freak thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, and as a german person it’s difficult for me to say this about bread, but he’s right.

apollo thinks he’s fucking fantastic. he’s VERY proud of his vocal routine, he thinks it’s GREAT that he screams every thought he’s ever had. he’s really nerdy about law, he tells plum and trucy that he loves long and boring procedures as a lawyer, shamelessly. he very firmly believes in his hairstyle. everything you see apollo justice do he does on purpose. (which also makes me think that he knows EXACTLY what he does when he rolls up his shirt sleeves every morning. whore.)

the few times we see all of this slip is when he has to deal with rock star klavier. there’s a couple of times where he thinks that he wishes he could be as cool as klavier, but i’ve honestly never read that as apollo suddenly becoming self-conscious. i genuinely think he’s just annoyed that there’s someone whose shtick (being a very weird very loud lawyer but tall and with a guitar) looks cooler than his own shtick (being a very weird very loud lawyer but short and with no guitar). apollo thought he was hot shit before he met klavier and he continues to think he’s hot shit after he’s met klavier, but now he also thinks that he should be rich and famous for being apollo justice because that would make him even cooler. and, again, i kind of agree.

i think that’s mostly it? he’s a good guy and i like him. he gets annoyed with his clients for being weirdos sometimes, but there is that underlying theme in aa4 where all of apollo’s clients did commit a crime, just not murder, and apollo never drops them for it. he is an almost exact replica of hercule poirot in that he is short, weird, REALLY sure of himself, and doesn’t care if people commit crimes except if it’s murder, in which case he cares so much that he becomes a feral animal. all he needs is a mustache. and he’d probably think he’d look really cool with one too.

[crippled-peeper]

Can you please stop tacking "ADHD" onto insults like it's a bad word?? Like literally prove to me how that isn't ablist AF. Everytime someone acts like an idiot on your posts suddenly it's "these ADHD bitches" like it's too fucking obvious you've been bothered by people with ADHD so much that you assume everyone acting stupid has it and it's exhausting. Im seriously convinced you hate people with ADHD and autism because you explode at anyone that misunderstands you even a little which is something people with ASD do and you suddenly label anybody you're screaming at with ADHD. Like seriously how is the way you act not ablist? You don't have to be nice or likable but leave someones diagnosis out of it for fucks sake.

y’all are so annoying and are literally so obsessed with yourself and with ADHD being the face of all disabled ppl you can’t even SEE how annoying you are and how y’all dominate literally every single discussion and space remotely related to disability and you shove every disabled person who even slightly makes you uncomfy out

how do you expect me to take any of you seriously when you’re in my inbox on anon crying that the biggest ableist aggression you’ve faced ever is reading a post on my blog? when y’all beg to have the wheelchair user kicked out of the support group for not “validating” your “paralysis”?

keep crying idc maybe I’d take you more seriously if you at least pretended like you had real problems. nobody is holding you at gunpoint forcing you to read my blog you dumb bitch

[hotforharrison]

Life has been kind of crazy in the worst possible way this month.

It feels like so much more than 3 weeks since the day I filed for divorce on July 1, which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I meant every word of my vows on that Thursday afternoon in September 2010 when my marriage began. I thought we were going to be each other's person for the rest of our lives, not for that to slip through my fingers because I was careless with his heart, and I can't put into words how deeply I regret it.

I never expected his embrace to hurt the way it does now, and the worst part of it is that he's the only one here to hug. He was the biggest source of my comfort for so many years, and even if he was here to hold me right now, it wouldn't be the same. What we had is completely gone.

It still kill me that I don't remember the last time we had sex, the last time we shared the bed we slept in together every night, and I woke up to him like I did so many times over the years.

He told me that we could have sex again on a friends with benefits basis, but I don't want to. It would destroy me.

Anyway, the power has been back on for a full week now after 8 days without in the godawful Texas summer heat, with only a few brief interruptions, mostly tonight when we had a thunderstorm.

We've spent the last week and a half, starting before the power even came back on, getting quotes from contractors for repairs for the extensive damages. The hurricane damages to the house I live in are in the tens of thousands of dollars.

(The house was downgraded from what was my home before my marriage ended because it feels like I'm surrounded by the devastating loss and ghosts of him and the love and life we shared for so long. It's agonizing just being here a lot of the time.)

We're not sure what the homeowners' insurance is going to cover for the repairs, which is terrifying, and we need to figure out how to work with FEMA if the insurance isn't helpful.

I'm also worried the HOA we're in will start giving us problems if we can't get the repairs done very quickly.

This month has been such shit in so many ways.

I desperately need my weekly counseling sessions, and my counselor cancelled this week. I've had only one of my weekly appointments this month due to cancellations and the hurricane, which is taking its toll on me.

In more positive and hopeful news, I had an appointment last Thursday with my job counselor at the state run employment program I was accepted into.

They'll pay fully for my schooling, textbooks, and supplies to get a degree or certificate from a local community college and offer job placement services after graduation.

I need a job I can do remotely, and I originally intended to pursue a year long certificate program in medical billing and coding. However, all of the local programs required on campus courses and capstones, which I cannot do.

I looked into every single fully online degree or certificate program that the local community colleges offered that aren't any longer than two years (my ex-husband agreed to let me stay here rent free for a few years while I get myself sorted) and settled on an Associate degree program in mobile/web application development.

I applied for the program today.

I wanted something with a decent level of job security, and I don't think phones are going anywhere. There's the possibility of freelance work on the side as well.

Considering and pursuing a career in technology is nothing new to me.

I went to a public university for an information technology program for 2 years after I graduated from high school, followed by a technical school for computer network operations for a year.

I never ended up working in the industry because it was saturated at my time of graduation, and they wanted me to have experience for an entry level position, which I found endlessly ironic.

I was told more than once by potential employers that I should have done an internship before I graduated to gain experience, which would have been fantastic to know while I was still in school and not with the days ticking down until I had to start repaying my student loans.

I desperately hope that I can transfer some of the roughly 20 year old credits over from the university I went to to cover the general education portion of the degree and maybe trim off a semester. (While technology absolutely has changed since the 2000s, some things haven't changed, like an introductory English or history course.)

[moody4world]

okay so i was thinking

singer reader surprises Jack on tour , they had gotten into an argument but he questions the status of their relationship. so she sings him a song to let him know that she forgives him and still loves him

( idk if you watched victorious but that song " youre the reason" would be perfect )

hi hon!! i changed it up a little bit but i hope you still enjoy it!!<3

You’re the reason

A/N(?): i am !!NOT!! a writer, everything i write and post is simply for fun and not to be taken seriously

You’ve been in the spotlight for almost your entire life. From being on Disney at the ripe age of 10 to appearing on the big screen with A-listers at only 17. You were not only an actress but also a singer. You had become one of the youngest female R&B artists on the charts at just 20 years old and you couldn’t be more proud of yourself.

Your parents never forced you because it’s always been what you wanted and they were your number one supporters and nobody could argue with that. Nobody except for Jack. Jack claimed that he has always been your number one fan and he would die on that hill. His words though not yours, he couldn’t believe that he was dating his childhood crush. The first time you met Clay he didn’t hesitate to embarrass his brother by telling you how Jack always fought him for the tv remote when he knew you were going to be on their tv screen.

Jack was proud to call you his and he would turn all his social media accounts to fan accounts dedicated to you if he could.

The two of you met at the MET gala two years ago and ever since then its been a down low friendship, to dating and now relationship. Jack always kept his celebrity connections as private as possible and you were no different. You were also proud of Jack and the fact that he was your boyfriend. Only problem was that you haven’t gone public with a relationship since your last very public and dramatic breakup in 2018, something that took a huge toll on you for a couple months. Once you finally got over that situation you told yourself it’d be best to keep future relationships private.

Jack understood this because he also agreed but he always told you private doesn’t have to be secret. You knew he was right but you were still scared of your relationship with Jack falling apart the way your last one did. You were so in love with him that you refused to let anything to ruin what the two of you have.

Unfortunately this topic was the main cause of your current argument. Jack has been touring for the past few weeks and the two of you have been facetiming every single day like you were doing right now. “Look at youuu all snuggled up into my hoodie” He had the biggest smile on his face as he always did when he looked at you. “It’s so comfy, thanks for leaving my favorite ones by the way” “It’s nothing baby” “I really want to post a screenshot of this right now” your smile faded with worry and Jack didn’t miss it “Y/n it wouldn’t kill us to post each other every now and then baby we’ve been over this.” “I know but I just don’t want to risk anything Jack, we’ve been over that too haven’t we?”

“At first I got it but now i’m starting to think you just don’t want to be seen with me y/n.” “Oh come on Jack you know it’s not that” “Then what else is it huh? Cause if you’re scared to even mention me to people or let me just post an innocent photo of us what am I supposed to think?” “Now all of a sudden i’m the bad guy for wanting to protect our relationship?” “This shit doesn’t need any protection y/n, you’re sinking this ship with your overthinking. I’m trying here baby but you gotta help me too.” Jack made valid points but in that moment you were too butt hurt to acknowledge any of that.

You shut down like you always did during moments like this, you didn’t want to talk about it anymore and just wanted to hang up. “Okay well I have a performance later so i’m gonna go get some rest. We’ll talk later, okay?”

You didn’t even want to make eye contact with him anymore because you knew you’d let some tears slip if you did. “Y/n you’re not hanging up on me like this. Talk to me baby tell me how you really feel. I’m sorry I got a bit heated. I just want you to let go of that fear, i’m nothing like him and you know how much I love you. Crazy fans and fake articles are the last thing you should be worried about. I want to show you off cause it’s what you deserve. We both know that.” You couldn’t say a single thing. His words had felt like a soft and warm hug of reassurance and safety. It was hard to express how you were feeling so you simply said an “I love you” and hung up.

Jack thought he had hurt your feelings because of the way you hung up. If it was up to him he would blow up your notifications with apologies and i love yous but knew that when you got like this he simply had to give you space. It was insane to you how loving and supportive of a boyfriend Jack was to you. But It was something completely new for you which made it slightly overwhelming in moments like these. You decided to get some rest before your performance of the night and once you woke up you were certain of one thing.

Which was, you were tired of keeping him a secret. You wanted everyone to know that you’ve found a man that treats you how every girlfriend or boyfriend should be treated. Loved how anyone in a relationship should be loved.

That night at your concert you surprised the crowd with a new unreleased love song you had written specially for Jack. You told your friends that it was a song you wrote for a very special person in your life that you would tell them about soon.

Your cousin had recorded the whole thing and sent it to Jack. To say Jack was surprised when he saw the video was an understatement. You had never mentioned that you were writing a song about him. He knows it must’ve been hard for you to keep that from him because he was the first one to know every thought process you had for any song you were writing or any show or movie you were casted in.

The song was called “You’re the reason” and the lyrics explained how he’s the reason you’ve become so much more confident in yourself and your career after such a hard time. He’s the reason for the huge genuine smile you’ve had for the past year and a half. When news of the performance got out everyone was curious to know who the special person could possibly be. You haven’t been spotted with anyone for a long time unless it was a co-star from the same movie.

That same night you and Jack decided to post a photo of the two of you announcing your relationship to everyone else.

y/n ☑️

Liked by neelamthadhani and 503.856 others

y/n very few of you guys guessed it right, “You’re the reason is about jack!!! i’m gonna keep this caption short so i don’t simp on the main but just know i l*ve this guy

y/ngotcake queen is this white man bothering you🤨

user1 I KNEW IT AND NONE OF YOU BELIEVED ME

jackharlow ☑️

Liked by urbanwyatt and 489.677 others

jackharlow Always been her #1 fan and i’ll die on that hill. Love her forever🤞🏻

user2 First tom holland gets his celebrity crush and now jack too?! i really gotta start manifesting

druski ☑️ Aw shit we done lost another one man somebody better call dr. umar

y/n @ druski stop it😭

[perilus]

Hey Tina, hope you're doing well :)

I don't usually do this, but I thought I'd ask for your opinion given the fact that we're of similar age and you seem really smart :)

So I'm turning 23 in 2 weeks and I feel.. stuck

I feel like I can't separate myself from my family (who aren't very supportive haha) and subsequently, I feel an intense need to leave and be independent. But I can't grow in the things that I love because I feel like a song as I don't do what they want me to do, then I'm not entitled to the things I want to do. Besides that, I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I just can't bring myself to develop in any way.

I feel like I'm stuck in my own little dream world that I created, and the biggest problem is that you don't want to leave. I wonder if you have ever been in a similar situation or if you just have any advice

Thank you either way (even if you don't have time to answer ♡ I know it's kind of a heavy question)

Lots of love♡ stay safe :)

Hey :)

I’m not usually this vulnerable/open about my personal life online either, but:

Funny enough, (hardly funny at all actually), I am in the exact situation as you are 😭. My family is not supportive of my growth at all. They don’t know much about my dreams, and what they do know, they use against me. They reduce my interests in things like literature and music to signs of immaturity and lack of real discipline. What my family wants is obedience. They care about me as a daughter, but do not care about me as a person. At all. I cannot be my full self around them. I cannot share my dreams with them. I have learned to avoid sharing myself with them, to keep them from gaining more ammunition to use on me when they want to belittle me, call me unrealistic and incapable, punish me for being some way that disagrees with them, etc. They definitely do not know about my blogs/vlogs, haha. I feel like I’m more myself here than in everyday life.

I feel stuck too. All I can do is develop my mind in my free time through literature and media I find online, at night when I’m finally alone and no one expects anything from me. I suppose if I had any advice it would be to stay curious, keep learning, and keep discovering the things you like and want.

It’s hard. You love them, you want them to love you, you’ve done so much for their approval but they’re never really satisfied, you’ve never done enough, maybe you have a sibling who is half as disciplined as you are yet is effortlessly favored whereas you are not, despite having put in twice as much effort for that approval they so effortlessly receive 🙄😔. They might have more freedom than you do, because maybe you were born as a gender you cannot control, and despite how smart you might be, you cannot control that they will only ever see you as a woman, who should perform the “female” duties of the house, stay at home, work remotely, whereas your sibling is conveniently male, granting him freedom that you can’t have, because he does not have the responsibilities that were forced on you. By “you” I meant me. Yet, I don’t want to sever myself from my family, they are all I have. Ugh. Anyway, I have to help take care of my family because they’re the only people I have, but it inhibits me from growing. It’s such a confusing place to be in. And depressing and unfair and it makes me feel so so alone. I know I said in a previous Q&A that you should leave the people who don’t appreciate you at your most authentic, but in the case of family, it’s a bit different. It’s complicated.

I really wish I was in a position to give advice on this. I need it too.

But, I hope a window opens up for you soon; some opportunity to help you out of where you are in life, if that’s what you dream about. If that opportunity takes a while, I hope things aren’t too hard on you in the meantime. I see you, you’re not alone.

Much love,

Tina

[sentientgopro]

Hey y'all, not exactly active on here, especially when talking about myself, but I really need to get some shit off my chest right now. I had a couple realisations yesterday that culminated in some shit I never thought I would be saying or thinking.

I never thought I could be anything but straight. I liked women, so I mustve been straight. Im definately an advocate for everyone giving their gender true consideration, even when most will come out the other side cis, and confidently so, as did I.

Then I realised I didn't like women in the way most straight guys do. Afer clearing up some prior misconceptions about Aromanticism and asexuality, I realised those two labels fit me perfectly. But sometimes I wonder why I still feel a certain way about girls. There's just something about the way they look that's appealing to me, even if I dont find girls attractive...

Oh shit. That wasn't attraction. That was envy.

So that train of thought kind of went from 0 to 10 real fucking fast. This realisation brought to my attention feelings that Ive had for a good while, but have passed off as r/196 induced brainrot. Besides, and this is the biggest thing that stopped me realising this earlier, I dont feel that who I am now is wrong. I look in the mirror, and I see myself. But I've only recently kinda grasped the concept that being trans isn't all about dysphoria, having dysphoria is not always the way to tell. Although I dont think being a man is wrong, fucking hell, being a girl would be much better. And it feels so fucking weird actually typing that.

But what I'm saying is, atleast for the time being, I could manage to just not do anything. Which is for the better seeing as my parents would start screaming at me for saying anything remotely in the direction of being an ally. And I live on TERF Island. Transitioning would be an absolute pain in the ass, especially right now, so it kinda feels like why bother when the way I am doesnt really feel wrong. Transitioning could be quite dangerous and have big risks, it kinda just feels like I dont need that shit in my life, Im already running on fumes and a list of people I need to outlive. I usually hold a mindset of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", but this usually applies to binary things, like if my team wins using the same strat a few times in a row in CS, "Do it again, ain't broke, don't fix", but this is not nearly as binary as that, this isn't a win/loss.

Something that is both comforting and a little concerning is that no matter what, there is atleast a 2 year hold on this. I should be able to go to uni after that and start living my own life, but as of right now, doing something like transitioning is NOT an option. Ive got a 2 year long planning phase and Ive kinda just been taking stock tbh. I don't think "that" period of my life hit too hard, Im still skinny (Yeah, ik skinny =/= feminine but its better than being buff imo) kinda fuckin tall, if my growth follows the same as my brother did which it is so far Im gonna be like 6'3 by the end of that 2 years (6'1 now) so thats probably gonna be more of a mild annoyance than a genuine problem. My voice varies ALOT, I can have a pretty damn low voice, and a bit of a higher pitch, it naturally varies, I normally find I talk in a higher pitch when I'm happier and lower when Im trying to appear more... normal? idk, theres probably somrthing to think about in that.

Honestly idk, theres no real end point to this, I just wanted to talk about this somewhere. As much as I never saw myself being in this position, I use r/196, play ULTRAKILL, and Study Computer Science and want to continue it as a career path, cmon, it was only ever a matter of time, this was inevitable.