#like that shit was so dry next
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made a mushroom pin that's also the hardest object to photograph on earth. I still have a brick and a half of air dry clay left so I hope to make more :]
#bakuspecial#I dont think I have a craft tag lmao. well#really wanted to make the gills on these shrooms more uh. physical. but I did Not have the patience for it fskjdfhdj#next time hopefully I will have more.#also the matte spray is really cool... its cocomelon shit to me it really does dry matte......#the other pins in that first pic are from a saigon art shop and a prize for a queer art contest I placed in two years ago#I need a good way to display them lol. mostly so I dont lose them#need to make like a scroll of fabric or something to hang on the bookshelf#my vision for this thing is a nice wide brimmed hat thats earth toned and I paint it to look like a log#and figure out how to embroider moss on it. and then mushroom pins#its genuinely not my style at all lmao I just wanna try and make it#alright I should go to bed soon.... Im gettin another stretch of sleepin at normal human hours for a while. best to make use of it#have a good night lads! making some fucked up little things really is so fuckin good for ur brane n mind
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It took me, ugh, MONTHS (2), to get to cleaning the two shrimp tanks I have... I had IRL issues going on that would have made it extremely difficult to do a water change especially while injured, and I just had to keep putting it off. It's just shrimp, so it wasn't like, the worst situation, especially since I have established plants and the tanks are a couple years old. There was just a lot of algae build-up on the glass, and, well... Let me just say it was not contributing to my mental health and well-being while the tanks were in that state.
I tested the water before I started cleaning and the parameters were fine (like, I could have left the tanks even longer if I would be okay with selling my soul to the Algae Collective), and the plants and shrimp look fine, too (I mean, I've obviously been keeping an eye on the tanks bc I sit right next to them). Actually, I'd wager to say that the plants are looking really great (the lilies haven't died off [yet? This is the longest period of time I've seen them stay... foliage... fol... foliated? Idk.] and the cryptocoryne in the 10gal is fucking huge and needs to be rearranged, just not right now). That fucking algae was a motherfucker to get off the 10gal (it's a plastic tank and I think that makes the algae grip harder than the glass 5gal).
[Also, fyi, depending on the tank's needs and stability, recommended water changes are a small one every week or every other week. My parameters don't seem to do anything dramatic, so I usually aim for a 20-30% water change every third week (just depends on how much vacuuming needs to be done and how cooperative the shrimp are with moving aside). So 2 months is still a lot. I still did the normal 30% ish amount, since doing more will risk the shrimp's well-being if there's a sudden change in everything, and my water parameters indicated a change was unnecessary - but I don't test for more than the minimum freshwater tests, so there could be a buildup of some mineral I'm not testing for, which is why the change IS actually necessary regardless of what my test kit says - because these tanks were evaporating a lot in summer, it condenses the minerals added with each water addition, even tho I usually top up with R.O. water.]
My back is fucking killing me lol. It has been killing me since spring when it 'went out' for the first time, and I'm not getting any relief, it sucks. But this had to be done.
The 5gal is looking pretty cloudy still, since the filter was super gunked up and I accidentally spilled gunk back in, so I may need to retest the 5gal parameters tomorrow just to make sure I don't have to do another water change, but it'll probably be fine, right? Shrimp love mulm and detritus. I did give both tanks a big ole algae tab for their trouble, tho. (I need a fuckening dish for the big tank. I really wanna clean off that white quartz rock again, but being white means it's an algae magnet, and it's just gonna go green again after a month or two.)
Anyway, shrimp tax:
I lov thees widdle oange bebies.
Wish I could take better pictures rn, but I am. Like. Dying. My recommendation: never live in an A-frame style room if you have the option. The wall above my tanks is slanted, and NOT fun for my back to bend underneath the wall for maintenance. (My only flat wall in the room is for my TV/PC.) Also, treat your back nicely, in general. I unfortunately have not had the option to treat my back nicely since spring (fall now), because 'when it rains it pours,' and heavy shit that needs to be moved will not move itself. Once I get a few more things in my room in order, I will hopefully be done with the IRL chaos, bc I have Halloween socks to knit, and I'm not putting that off for another year. (I'm still mad that I couldn't make the ones I planned last year. And I found more Halloween yarn I forgot I bought, so I'm gonna try to make multiple socks.) And I just really need to fucking chill and knit and stop having panic attacks and meltdowns.
#me earlier today: oh i should bleach my hair since i havent been able to shower for 2 days it wont damage it as much#me now: i dont know if i can even stand long enough to shower after this#anyway im gonna try to eat something and then shower and pass tf out.#maybe i shouldve taken a before picture to show how much i did...#...but i do Not want to remember 'that one time i didnt do a water change for 2 months' the algae was gross lol i couldnt even get it all#but honestly idc ab the back wall having algae as long as the front and most of the sides are clear#seriously the algae was textured like sandpaper tho. does algae do pearling? if it does then its calcium buildup too#edit while typing bc i looked it up. yes algae pearls. so the bubbles it was making were drying enough to cause calcium deposits#oH also lmao i found the tiniest pinch of hornwort left in the 10gal. idk why the hornwort doesnt like that tank but its hilarious that...#...that one little fingernail sized piece is still alive floating in there. i stuck it next to the lily but the shrimp will prob dislodge it#the hornwort in the 5gal is just freefloating i cant get that shit to stick#the shrimp love that stuff and they look like little birds in a pine tree#im in so much pain im procrastinating food lmao 'order pizza' crossed my mind but my jaw wont let me eat pizza so fml#anyway. just wanted to show an accomplishment even if its not a praise worthy one since i didnt go the extra 10 miles to water change sooner#awwww tho i love seeing them glide around the tank and now i can see them clearly its so chill#shrimp#aquariums#crustaceans#bugs#Cori.exe#Post.exe#Image.exe#also my therapist started cracking up this morning when i said like 'i can finally rest now tht i dont have a Saw trap bathroom to navigate'#seriously tho it was bad and then another issue in the bathroom came up 2 days ago but theyre both fixed now. my br is normal now.#im not normal tho (normal for myself i mean) and unfortunately thats not gonna be an easy fix but im trying#man can i ever make a post where i dont type a million words lmao. inability to focus and then i start typing more stuff#oh ab the hair bleach man my roots are so dark i just trimmed off the last of the bleach from last time so i got 2tone hair rn#idk when ill get to that. dependsnon my back. i already wasnt in a great state of being when i did the aquariums but i needed to clean them#ok i rly need to try n make food and shower before i start growing algae on myself
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finally did my goddamn dishes. and that wasn't all i managed to do today. fuck yeah.
had a meeting for thesis prep. bmv trip. rough plan for friday's discussion lecture. cooked dinner for the first time in like 3 weeks. read ~50 pages of academic text for 2 classes and a paper revision.
feels like i didn't do enough but. considering that yesterday i managed... going to classes and nothing else! and monday i was only capable of doing the required meetings i had, this is a pretty good day!
#it's been. a tough few weeks. i couldn't focus at all last week. only got work done on the weekend. yesterday was........ tough.#monday wasn't as rough but was equally exhausting#so! proud of myself that i got. stuff done. big stuff even!#started keeping a task/reward journal to help out too :)#so every night i'll write out some tasks that need to get done the next day#and as i finish them i check them off and give myself silly little stickers to track what i managed!#so i get like. 1 sticker per 10 pages read (bc i usually need a break every 10 or so pages rn) 1 sticker in a diff color for chores.#1 for teaching stuff (laying out a lecture plan/finishing the lecture/doing a dry run/doing the lecture) 1 for meetings etc etc#it's helping bc i have a dumbass brain that doesn't give me dopamine for completing tasks anymore#it all gets lumped into 'yeah i did the bare minimum bc that's what i need to do. that's not special-#-no reward for you! you didn't really *do* anything. just scraped bare minimum!'#turns out that's bad for you lmao to get No Rewards#so i have a journal now! so i have hard proof that shows that i've Done Shit.#and i think the last two weeks i've been 1. underfed 2. overtired and 3. on the verge of burnout#so i haven't been able to do much. but a major stressor is gone now! (the bmv trip...)#and it like. immediately lifted a veil from my brain. 0-60 in like 40 minutes flat.#i hadn't realized how stressed about that i'd even been. it was taking up so much of my brain's metaphorical CPU.#so i'm hoping tomorrow i'll be able to do what i was doing two weeks ago. just plugging along at my usual pace#instead of just barely dragging my carcass forward#so! anyway. update that was unasked for but you sure are getting#i fuckin did stuff today! fuck yeah!#it is now an hour past my bedtime i'm gonna crash tf out. bedtime. sleepytime. good night
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#i realy want to finish this chapter already so i have SOMETHING to send my supervisor but i also know that i should at least take a nap#but also. i know myself and i know it won't be just a nap bc as soon as i get myself under that blanket i'm gone#and i'm not even sleepy i just know that my brain needs a rest bc words are not wording how they should#my sleep schedule is going to be SO fucked by this omg#academic writing will suck the life out of you leave your brain dry and damaged and literally for what. FOR WHAT. a stupid degree.#okay maybe i am sleepy just a little#istg if i didn't have to go to work yesterday and end up having a killer migraine i'd already be writing the next chapter ;-;#but nooooo#also i'm the world's shittest friend but that;s a conversation for another time#feel like shit want to sleep want some fucking peace and quiet#agnes talking
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imagine a 15yo boy running up to a 92yo retired blind woman & judo flipping her into the ground. this is a bit rude, right?
#how do i explain to my 1 & 2 year old cats that they can't wrestle with the 19 & 20 year old cats#Prettyface was so fucking mad at Cinder for doing that she yowled at him & Creach puffed up his tail#i think he's learned not to do that shit but Cinder hasn't yet so he keeps trying to wrestle with everyone#he needs a lot of mental stimulation cuz he's weirdly smart so he starts doing weird shit when bored#like he'll just walk around a room & bite things. like. bite one thing. hold it in his mouth. drop it. move on to the next thing. repeat#& he'll sit on my laptop & watch whatever i'm doing on it#i think i might set up every single one of his puzzles tonight & put all of them out at once & see what happens#for the record he ALSO has a catio but he's not the biggest fan of being in there. he likes hanging out with people#so he has like a million pet puzzles & he eats dry food out of them because he likes that better for some reason#he loves treats. he just likes dry food being the reward for solving puzzles. i don't know why
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this is our balcony door
this is the apartment next to ours
#so there was gunfire last night#a bullet hit the sprinkler system and flooded out the top floor#our floor had water raining down in all the apartments along our side of the building#there were standing pools of water in the hallway#the video is of the unit next to ours#and somehow our apartment is the only one where the cleanup guys were like ''yeah we just have to dry out your ceiling and repaint''#all the units around us have water damage and ours is okay enough to stay here instead of having to get a hotel room#idk how we got as lucky as we did. holy shit.#personal
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i haven't been this social & talkative in Years someone drag me out back
#rambling to myself in the tags just go ahead n pass by 🫡#u've been warned#i can feel the burnout(?) creeping up on me & its been. two days.#at least my friend is reassured i'm still in their life every few months 👍#even if i end up hating being dragged out places i know a little relief feels like a lot to other ppl#but i also just. hate being involved at all. esp if its pity but also when they genuinely want to talk with me. which sucks!#i hate thinking like that. however it just feels like the most logical path sometimes yk? after (gestures vaguely) everything?#i'm childishly obsessed with the aspect of destruction. me or them carrying it out it doesn't matter#any sort of socializing feels like grinding stone together whether or not their intentions seem as pure as possible#it feels like my socializing button is broken and my battery is locked at 2% 24/7#its not that i actively try to keep myself locked in self serving cycles to stay pitiful lord knows i hate being pathetic#i despise being miserable. it may not be Everything i know. it may be comfortable or familiar or whatever edgy shit#but it takes so much energy to have any emotion. i feel like i wrung myself dry in elementary school#ultimately i know i'm capable of Having Emotions. they're just all buried beneath 78 layers of static that don't seem to be there for other#i try to be social. even when i know Deep down i like them i end up hating every interaction. no matter how smooth or funny or whatever#i seem to have this blanket that makes everything heavier on me. i don't like being weighed down but sometimes i have to comply else#i know i'll just fucking crash out for the next however many years & end up being more hurt than i began with#<- metaphor doesn't make sense bc i ditched it half way thru but you get the point#be social to the complete detriment to my health & appease others or hurt other ppl (something i don't like doing bc i know how it feels) &#end up ''''saving'''' myself (trapping myself further. lose/lose). i wish i was completely exempt to people paying attention to me#i Hate wallowing in this fucking pity. this whole woe is me evvybody huwt me so now i feel nudding :( schtick makes me feel so weak#i like feeling strong by socializing. sometimes i get this litttlee inkling of maybe i should try & put myself out there More but it always#comes with the same results. one of these days surely it'll change (<- bearer of the curse) (<- but still has hope despite denying it)#yes i'm in therapy yes i'm working on my social capacity slowly instead of getting my boundaries ran over at top notch speed by my abusers#sometimes i need to say the self pitying shit out loud to knock me to my senses & be like 'if a friend said this i'd criticize them'#'if anybody else thought that you'd cringe so hard and be filled with That Specific Misery you feel & hate so much' ohhh right. my bad
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they're so awful i'm obsessed
#this is about iwtv s2e2 for future me#crying sobbing throwing up#i want to watch their masterful takedown again but molloy's sad vulnerable little face is HEARTBREAKING#he's been so dry and sarcastic this whole time and they FINALLY punched through and seeing him truly vulnerable is like a gut punch#saw the good vampire bad vampire strats coming but i did not expect louis to be bad vampire#man is COLD when he wants it to hurt#the little breath of a laugh when molloy finally responds to the alice question#i cant i cannot#and then molloy actually asking “what happened next?” because he was so shaken THEY PLANNEDDDDDDDDDD THIS SHIT#i truly didn't pay attention to that line earlier and then he SAID it and i can see clearly now the rain is gone#truly the scary thing about vampires is how long they get to learn what words DO break bones#high school mean girl is a lifestyle#climbing the walls#they're so good at this and so toxic#and why is it a little bit hot. who said that#chatter
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dunno if this is just placebo effect but I do feel like it's already helping a bit. usually at work I'm fighting for my life trying to write emails or ask ppl for things bc I find it so hard to put my words in order in a way that makes sense to other people but it's been 100% fine.. and I've managed to just Do every task I need so far without rly needing to think..... I feel so calm wtf
#can't really tell if I have any side effects so far. apart from dry mouth but I had that yesterday.. I think im catching my roommates cold#also a bit sweaty but thats bc we STILLLLLL dont have functional AC at work and im working with an 80c water bath this morning 😭#its like a sauna in here rip#my stomachs being weird but then again when is she not. and its usual for me to get the shits on my period#so nothing definitive......#maybe sounds strange but I also just feel more aware of my environment. normally when im walking around I look at the ground a lot#but this morning on my walk from the bus stop I realised I wasnt doing that. actually maybe first time ive even noticed I DO do that#its too early to tell if this IS from meds but we'll see the next few days.. im glad i took it on a work day bc its much easier to see-#how it might affect me. i think last time i wasnt sure if there was any effect bc it was a weekend so i didnt have much i needed to do#but also last time i didnt have any side effects until the insomnia hit so we'll see how bad tonight is 😝 at least its a friday so if-#i cant sleep i can just play elden ring its whateverrrr#.diaries
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god gives his biggest bleached buzzcut dreams to his most sensitive scalped soldiers
#i literally have such a bad scalp#its always dry and itchy and sore#like that shit is medicated#but i still want to bleach it!#even though the last time i did i got actual chemical burns! with scabs!#but my sisters engagement party is next week and ill be damned if i go to it with brown bullshit hair#i had an ultrasound yesterday and bought some shit from bigw so i was out for ages and while i dont feel as bad as i expected#i do get significantly worse every time i move#so of course i should bleach my hair which causes pain and a major adrenaline dump!#i want time to make sure its light enough and even so fuck it today it is#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt
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I don't believe in saints
They never make mistakes 🖤
#just a shots in the kitchen kind of day#its my last day off this week and i know im not gonna be home much until next week#so im deep cleaning the apartment today!!#sweeping and mopping all the floors and putting away like 4 loads of laundry 😅😅#honestly gonna start air drying more things on hangers because holy shit..doing his laundry is so much easier then doing mine 😂😂😂#no folding except for pants like fuck what a great idea lmao#sorry guys im tipsy#but having so much fun#me#spookylilbimbo#selfie
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knit sweater i made drying out after i dyed it in my kitchen sink.//.
#uploads#fashion#fibres#the color is kinda weird but i like it alot that really washed out wine red#gonna fuck around with this more still myb do a little bleaching and some more dying but for now she rests#also shrunk a bunch lowkey after i washed it so hope i can stretch it back out a bit we will see#reflecting several hours later now that its mostly dry and i got to try it on#i think the color looks kinda washed out cause i wrung it out really realyl hard when i was washing it#i feel like that wasnt super smart cause i do wish it was a bit darker but also maybe i just need a darker dye mix#but i really was squeezing that shit to get the water out and i think it probably desaturated the color a bit#lessons for next time#also rewrote and made a edited version of the pattern ive been working with so its more my own#changed a couple things so im gonna try and make another sweater soon i think#gotta figure out what wool i wanna use maybe ill go back to the galler yarns WOW wool but also the mohair was really nice#i have a ton of fine alpaca but ive been using that for my woven project instead and its alot thinner#idk how it would look esp cause im using such big needles#maybe i could size down and try that but id have to really figure out a whole new pattern n knit counts idk maybe#anyway just thinking out loud cause its 5am and i cant sleep but i also cant work on sweater anymore cause its just chilling#n i need bleach n some other stuff#also gonna knit a trim for the bottom and sleeves fuck weaving it thats too hard#but then im gonna have to figure out how to dye it so it matches but uhhh haha idk#good thing its kinda a tester
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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when I was small my cousins would take me to the beach and some days the waves would be really big and we’d all float over them and it was so fun getting swept upward like that. And then every so often an even bigger wave would come along and our tactic was to dive into it and come out the other side and we were okay and it was fun! And then, here and there, a wave would come along that we wouldn’t be prepared for or it would be badly timed with the current dragging us into it and we’d be tumbling around inside the wave, no idea which way is up or how to get out and sometimes it would throw us onto the sea bed with more waves hitting and hitting and the current pulling us back into them and this is also life this has always been life too
#id like to just have the first two but the occasional feeling of oh shit I’m drowning am I gonna die now loves to come back#I have scars on my legs from this like actually happening but yeh.#I remember not having been at school long . and I was forced to stay w my mother more#and things were bad and I was not in a good place and I was 6 maybe?#god it was so so bad#and it kinda never stopped#and it got so much worse over the next 10 years#and then it eased and I had some great times#but I keep getting hit again and again#and mostly. when things are bad. it’s Situational#like I’m actually unsafe and stuck in that#like this time last year#and sometimes. like currently#I just get hit with it for no reason.#like stop I’m tired 😭😭😭😭😭 I wanna be on dry land for a while
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i have sicknesses and diseases again
#:)#it's been like 3 months so time for my quarterly dose of Plague i guess!#been on a steady decline the last ~4 days but i'm hoping i'll bounce back this weekend-ish#this is why the umineko writeup's taken so long since i went from dealing with genderstuff to being sick and it took a lot out of me!#luckily i am very much almost done with it so it should only take a couple days once i'm well enough#also the pokespe queue may dry up in the next few days if i don't have the energy but if it does i'll restart it the minute i can#thank you for bearing with me! sorry that i have a direct access pipeline to illnesses and viruses that semiregularly do this to me lmao#it's not even that i have a shit immune system or anything i just live with a parent that works with young kids in a post-covid world
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sometimes you do have to cry gently into your french fries while sitting in your car with the windows down in the parking lot listening to quiet piano music
#today i went to the hairdresser for a consultation about getting an undercut#she told me we absolutely HAVE to thin my hair first. there’s SO much of it we HAVE to take the weight off first#so that it won’t be so poofy and it will actually lay nice (it was poofy because she just dry brushed it)#and if i still want it lighter after thinning it then i can do the undercut#to her credit i want the undercut to have lighter hair. but i like my thick hair#i like that it’s kind of poofy#and i didn’t know what to say so i didn’t really say anything#now i have an appointment next week and i feel like i can’t go in and say that i actually don’t want to thin it#i know i CAN. it’s just scary and awkward. mostly i had a rough day for other reasons and it’s bleeding thru#between this and getting my shit rocked earlier by a prof neglecting my disability accommodations im just not feeling the best pala#a special kind of sad i have not felt in a while.#orating!
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