#like sometimes i think about if i were to get married and i had to invite both sides of my family it would be so weird
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So... I see this a decade after i decided to simply... Stop instigating conversations because i felt like im simply burdening others with my presence and that they actually felt annoyed having to hear from me and wished i wouldnt send messages.
The thing is that none of them ever approached me afterwards. When we saw each other after a while we would be ecstatic but there was a wall between us already and i dont know if its simply life going on and us being very different than back then, or that they truly didnt see me the same as i saw them (as my besties).
One time i met one of them (this one specifically was my best friend from first grade until twelve basically) on the street and i see that she's married and walking with her husband. Turns out the wedding was that sunday and i wasnt even notified of it happening or of the engagement. I wasnt mad about not being invited, but i was hurt for not even being notified! She then turned to her husband and said that im a friend of her from high school.
Its been a decade from high school so i can see why she said that, but that hurt me so badly that the moment i waved them goodbye and they disappeared around a corner, i collapsed and just sobbed. I was so heartbroken. It seemed that i was the only one who still thought of her as my old school's bestie or had thought of including her in any future milestones simply because she was so important to me.
So i dont know how i feel about this post. I understand where you guys are coming from and its in good intentions, but the main issue is that many kids who become the sole instigators were never shown that they can be vulnerable in front of their friends about this matter. It felt like its your duty and how you contribute to the group. And when it became harder and harder, the friends never questioned why you pulled away or asked for your wellbeing. It turned into a situation when you feel more like a nuisance than a leader.
Fortunately, i have now friends who instigate so much more than me and i keep telling them how i appreciate it and apologise for how terrible i am at texting back and that its never because i dont want them to text me. Its simply because texting or answering messages had become so hard for me and so mentally taxing i sometimes shut down when i see messages i need to reply to.
So rambling aside, as much as i appreciate your sentiment, i think a different approach would be helpful.
My approach (which is not better or worse, just a different approach) is to get comfortable with a 'friends for one day' reality. I go so many times to so many places and meet so many amazing people, we always say we'll contact one another and keep in touch and then never contact one another again, and that's alright.
You have to be comfortable with being friends without focusing on the 'keeping the friendship going' let people come and go. Those who truly want to stick around will stick around, and they usually have a much deeper connection with you that isnt dependant on who instigates the conversations.
My friends are those that mostly text in memes and reels since we dont see each other often. And i do the same in return. Its easier and relays so much more. We have proper conversations here and there, but our actual interactions happen physically. And they instigate meetups much more than i do and i always make sure that they know that i appreciate it. One of my friends and i also have some differences in opinions, so we have some long discussions.
I also have a friend who i dont text to at all but invites me to shabbat meals once in a while and i come over and its like no time had passed. I invite her back for bbq or shabbat as well, but thats also once in a blue moon.
Another friend is across the ocean so its mostly photos and small comments and talks about our lives and since the war began, she keeps checking if im alive and well.
Another friend is also across the ocean and we mostly speak about our realities of being jews or squeal over her precious daughter or make plans for when she finally comes to Israel.
So my friends arent part of one group but many branches of different aspects of my life. I would say i have around seven/eight of them that arent my current co workers (work friendship is also temporary and i accept that fully and enjoy our time together) and im truly blessed because i had let go of the desperate need to keep my friends together.
So please dont call us a bitch for not willing to talk about it. And we're certainly not mini community leaders, we're just people who are friends with those that never cared about reaching out first or affirming our friendship in any kind of way. Its not fair to put the expectations of reaching out onto the one who constantly did that. Friends who truly want to keep up a friendship will attempt to do so when they see that the other side isnt as present as previously.
Sorry im all over the place, im on my phone and its harder to articulate on it
every now and then the internet decides it should revamp the ole âstop texting first and see how many friends you loseâ when in reality you could literally just communicate that u feel bad that ur the only one texting first
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Too Hot for Snow
Pairing:Â Jaehyun x reader x Jaemin
Genre:Â angst, drama, romance, smut, love triangle
Word Count:Â 17k
Warnings: There are two smut scenes with the same mc, but nothing that really needs a tw. If you aren't here for him, you can skip them without missing out on anything tho! The other mc won't come short in terms of romance either, trust the process! But it's a bittersweet ending.
Summary:Â When your husband decides to file for divorce, you find yourself back in the arms of your first love. After all, things are different now and you're not kids anymore. But after a weekend lost in heavy snowfall and wishful dreams, you come to the painful realization that some people don't want to change, and others change too much.
A/N:Â I wrote this inspired by my own experience from a time where I had to decide between my situationship and now-bf. I thought I could pass this message on to ones who need this as well. Sometimes, we make the right decisions, sometimes the wrong ones. Sometimes, it's too late, sometimes it's not. (Also, I miss Jaehyun :( D-497)
Three years. That was how long your marriage had lasted.
âI want a divorce.â
These words shouldnât surprise let alone hurt you - but they still did. After all, nothing could prepare you for the day your husband decided to divorce you.
You had talked about it before Jaehyun had moved out and mutually agreed on seriously thinking about an official separation while taking this six month break from each other.Â
Yet, hearing this final decision out loud from your own husbandâs lips made it real. And even though it had been foreseeable and up to a point even inevitable, you hadnât been prepared for reality, for the fact that now, this was indeed real.
Your husband didnât want to be married to you any longer.Â
How was that even possible?
We walk down the aisle, thinking it will be forever. Donned in our white gown, the veil in our hair and the flower bouquet close to our chest, we are full of hope, light and love for the person who awaits us by the altar.Â
âTill death do us partâ is considered the love line of our lives as we all desire to vow it one day to our partner.
But thinking about it, it sounds morbid. We stand in front of witnesses and promise to the heavens that it will literally take a terminal illness, a fatal accident or another forced act of nature to tear this love apart.Â
The painful truth is that it takes much, much less.
It often takes minimal profound, heroic and inspiring reasons for two married people to never look at each other again. Oftentimes, love doesnât get torn apart by death. It gets torn apart by pent-up arguments, lack of commitment and the belief that everything you already own still isnât enough.
âWhat about Kang Kang?â
Your throat was so dry, you didnât even recognize your own voice, and Jaehyun ran his fingers through his hair. He had dark circles under his eyes and his clothes were wrinkled, hair completely askew.Â
There had been a time, back then in university, where on weekends, you both had looked like that, but for entirely different reasons. You were just staying at home, playing games and watching movies together. It had been the best and most carefree time of your lives. The strict business man Jaehyun had turned into throughout the years would have never left the house looking like this.
At this moment, you could see your past boyfriend in your husband again, who you had long deemed missing, and you wondered where you both had taken the wrong turn in your once fairytale-like relationship.
âHeâs your dog on paper,â Jaehyun said nearly matter-of-factly. âYou can keep Kang Kang.â
You bit into your bottom lip, so hard that you swore you could nearly taste something metallic. âIs this your final decision?â
In the break of the second that he needed to answer, you grew hopeful again. Hopeful that your husband would admit this decision was wrong, that he wanted to work on things for you two to be happy again.
Because this was the conclusion you had come to last night. You didnât want a divorce, you didnât want to give this all up. You wanted your little family, you wanted your husband and your dog, and children of your own in the future.
But instead, Jaehyun said with a tired, but determined voice,
âItâs my final decision.â
____
If Jaehyun were a season, heâd be summer.Â
He was the feeling of getting woken up by sunshine tickling the tip of your nose. He was the salt on your skin when you emerged from the sea, the sand beneath your toes and the water dripping from your hair tips. He was the shade under a tree on sweltering days and flowers blooming in all colors.
He was everything good, fair and bright.
⊠Until summer vanished and you were left alone when seasons changed. It didnât only become clear by change in weather, but also by the fact that Jaehyun had taken every last piece of himself out of your once shared apartment.
By the next week, he had officially filed for divorce.Â
Summer had come to an end.
____
If Jaemin were a season, heâd be winter.
He was the feeling of thick sweaters when you got dressed on a cold day. He was the sound of snow crunching under your boots, the cup of hot chocolate you drank while watching the icebound lake. He was the snowstorm that came overnight and locked you in, causing chaos and destruction.
Jaemin was charming, tempting and dangerous.
But who, after a hot, sweltering summer, had never not anticipated a beautiful winter wonderland?
Luckily, winter came early that year.
____
âWhy are you calling me at this hour?â
You stared at the skyline stretching in front of you. The few cars passing by were only recognizable by their headlights, but apart from that as well as a handful of windows reflecting some light in the building across from you, it was a quiet and dark night, the clock showing 3am.
âWhy are you picking up?â you asked.
A light hearted laughter that made your heart jump followed. âI will always pick up when you call, you know that.â
âI know.â
A beat of silence passed by as you opened the balcony door and stepped outside, closing it again behind you. You turned your head to the sky and watched the moon, and you knew Jaemin was doing the same right now.Â
âDid you already sign and send out the papers?â Jaemin questioned.
âYes,â you answered, and as you spoke, you could see a small cloud forming in front of your face. âThey are at my lawyerâs now to get checked. So perhaps, by next week, his lawyer will get them and send them out to him to sign too. Then, Iâll be a divorcĂ©e.â
âDonât use that word.â
âWhy not?â
âIt sounds like youâll be a lonely, sad woman.â
âWell, if anything, Iâll be a lonely, sad dog-mom.â Your gaze wandered aside to the balcony door from where you could see Kang Kang sleeping peacefully on this dog bed in the very corner of the living room.
âYouâre neither going to be a lonely, sad woman nor a lonely, sad dog-mom. Youâre going to be free. You should be happy.â
âI can only be happy with you.â
Jaemin let out a chuckle that came in unison with a cool winter breeze grazing your skin, and only now you noticed how icy it actually was outside, only dressed in your pajamas and a bathrobe. But right now, you didnât mind the cold. You only tried to remember the last time you had felt so⊠like Jaemin had said⊠happy.Â
It had been half a year since Jaehyun had come to you to file for a divorce and already a full year since you had actually started living in separation. That was enough time to move forward when you had been long unhappy before.
You could finally quit pretending, quit fighting, quit caring. You had finally reconnected with the man you had always referred to as your first love, willing to start all over again with him.
Then why, when you looked at the night sky, the only thing your mind wandered back to was still the night Jaehyun had proposed to you?
Back then, he had just graduated from university and you had been working in your job for two years already. He had saved up all the money that he had earned while being enlisted to buy you the perfect engagement ring that was now kept hidden in your drawer along with the wedding band. A very beautiful ring that had once been a symbol for a very beautiful relationship.
His proposal had taken place under the night sky too, in privacy like you had wished for, with only the moon and stars as witnesses. It had hurt to look at the night sky for a very long time after your separation. But it didnât anymore now, it was more of a nostalgic feeling.
As though Jaemin could read your thoughts, he said, âDonât worry, when we get married, we donât have to go through a divorce, Iâll get you an even more striking ring.â
âStop joking.â
âIâm not joking,â he obliged. âI mean it.â
âJaeminâŠâ You swallowed, hard. âWhat are you even saying?â
âIâm saying,â you overheard him taking a deep breather, âif I had done things right the first time, we would have stayed together after high school and you would have gotten married to me instead, and you wouldnât need to go through all this now.â
You both knew that this wasnât true.Â
There had been grave things that had led to the downfall of your first relationship and you into the arms of your soon-to-be ex-husband. Things that had been totally out of your might to control as you had been so young. But that was long in the past and you had both grown enough as people to pick up where you had left off and do it better this time.Â
After all, Jaemin was your first love. That meant something, that was something special.
You sighed. âWe were only kids. But now weâre adults. We now have the chance to do it better than back then, Jaemin, and that means to always be honest with each other.â
âI mean every word I said.â
You felt your heart turn heavy. âBut for me, it means that I donât think I will be ready to get married again in the next few years. Iâm sorry.â
âDonât worry about that.â His light-hearted laughter took the weight from your chest at an instant. That was what had always fascinated you about Jaemin. Everything seemed so easy and carefree with him. âIâll wait. One year, two years, five years, ten years⊠Iâll wait until youâre ready again.â
âBack then, you never wanted to get married and always dreamed about getting famous, moving to America....â You only then realized that it could be taken as an insult and wanted to correct yourself quickly, but he preempted,Â
âBack then, I chose foolishness over commitment. But this time, I mean it and I will come get you next week.â
âGet me?â You raised a brow. âTo where?â
âTo Jeonju."
âTo do what?â
âTo be with me.â
âI canât move to Jeonju so suddenly, Jaemin. I have a job here, my apartment, my dog, my family, especially my grandmaâŠâ
âThen only for the weekend. Bring Kang Kang with you. And the rest, weâll figure it out together.â
Silence from your end, but he was being patient. âDo you mean it?â
âI mean it this time too. Itâs been two weeks since weâve last seen each other and we only met twice overall since back then. I know there is so much going on in your life right now, but I need more of you. And you could need a break from your daily life. So come to me.â
A romantic weekend in Jaeminâs home in Jeonju sounded exactly like what you needed right now.Â
So you answered, âOkay, letâs do it.â
You were looking forward to winter.
____
The first family gathering without your husband took place two days later, the weekend before you planned on leaving for your short trip to Jeonju.
You had informed your mother about your separation two weeks after the official decision via a text message, very short and dry. You hadnât wanted to speak to anyone as to why and when, ignoring all upcoming calls from every family member since the news had spread like wildfire. It had been hard enough the first time already when you had to explain why your husband had moved out. You couldnât do this all over again.
Not because you were rude. But because you were still hurting and you feared that speaking about it stirred up feelings you had long locked up deep inside your heart. Only now, you were ready to face everyone again. Because half a year later, you were fine again.
Your big family adored Jaehyun so much, especially your grandmother, so you still met her with a heavy heart. To her, Jaehyun had been the perfect grandson-in-law, everything she had ever wished for you, and the feeling had been mutual since you had rarely seen your own relatives act with your grandmother as closely as Jaehyun had.
Whenever you had visited, he had brought her gifts, helped her with the chores and told her stories that made her laugh her heart out. Nobody else had done all this with such sincerity and continuity as Jaehyun, and it broke your heart to know that you had robbed her of this experience forever.
Your grandmother was celebrating her 80th birthday that Saturday, and with her declining health you didnât know for how many more birthdays she could still be around, so you wanted to spend the remaining time with her, even if it was only you alone.
âHow are you doing, sweetheart?â
You were sitting on the couch in her living room while everyone else was still dining, chatting and laughing.
âI think Iâm doing quite fine.âÂ
âAre you sure?â
She reached out her weak, fragile hand and touched your cheek. You started to wonder when your grandmother had aged so much. The woman who had watched over you when you were still a child, had driven you to school, had made you food, and had let you spend the weekends with her. The one who had dried your tears when you had gotten your heart broken in school, who had picked up every single broken piece of you throughout the years.
She couldnât do all that anymore, but she still could tell how you were feeling just by taking a brief look at you.
You couldnât deceive your grandmother, so you just shrugged and her hand slipped from your cheek right into yours, squeezing it meekly.Â
âItâs alright to still mourn him, sweetheart. If, at some point in your life, you realize that you have made the wrong decision, donât hesitate for a single second and tell him.â
âWhat do you mean?â
You didnât believe in the term âthe one that got awayâ which people would commonly use to describe a lost lover they were still thinking about all the time. You believed that you could grow to love someone just as much as you could grow to stop loving someone. If humans could never move on, how were they supposed to continue living?
âYour grandfatherâŠâ Around your grandmotherâs thin lips played a mild smile that gave her face back something very youthful. âHe was and will always be the love of my life. I married him young and I stayed loyal to him until he passed away. I loved him with my whole heart and he was the only person that had ever evoked such feelings inside of me.â
It tightened around your chest as it reminded you painfully of Jaehyun.
âBut there was a time before our marriage,â your grandmother continued, and although the smile around her lips was still present, it wasnât quite merry anymore, but rather pained, âwhere we were separated, because we didnât know whether we should get married or not. There was still so much to see in the world, so many people to get to know. Why would we settle so early? So we decided we wouldnât.â
âGrandma, you never told me that.â You squeezed her hand back to comfort her.
âI got back with my first ever love from when I was still a teenager. The timing was just right, we both seemed to have evolved so much. Maybe fate wanted us to take this path and meet again much later.â
Now, warmth grew in your heart as it reminded you of Jaemin.Â
You had gotten to know each in the second year of high school when he transferred to your school, and the two years that followed was a whirlwind of ups and downs that, looking back at, you wouldnât have wanted to miss a single second of. After all, it had forged you into the person you were now, and also into the one that had met Jaehyun and had now led you back to Jaemin.Â
But you feared your story would separate from your grandmotherâs at this point. âHow did you then end up with grandpa?â
You now understood why your grandmother was wearing that expression. It wasnât a fully happy core memory anymore, nor a completely sad one either. It was bittersweet. âIt didnât work out the second time around as well.â
â...May I ask why? You sounded so happy. What happened?â It wasnât like you wanted to push her boundaries, you were genuinely curious as you secretly found yourself in a similar position now.
âWhen one day, I returned home, I encountered your grandfather by my house. Apparently, he had waited two days and nights for me and refused to leave unless I talked to him. So I did and he officially proposed. I wanted a week to think about this, and when I, following this event, wanted my first love to make a decision, he couldnât.â
âHe didn't want to marry you?â
âEven after all these years, he didnât know whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And I wanted a man that knew.âÂ
You inhaled deeply. âAnd you never went back to your first love.â
âI never went back to him,â she repeated. âNot because I didnât love him, but because I knew your grandfather would show up in ways he could never. And that was what I wanted.â
You were asking yourself whether your grandmother told you this story on purpose. But then again, she never did anything without a purpose. She wanted you to learn something from it, and it actually hurt you quite a bit that she was questioning your decision.
âI donât regret it. Do you regret it, grandma?â
âI donât regret anything either, sweetheart, absolutely not.â You were worried that she might conceal the truth from you, but from her voice alone and the way her mien changed to the one she was always wearing when she talked lovingly about your grandfather, you were assured that she was being honest and always had been. âSometimes, I still think about him and wonder where he is, what heâs doing if heâs still al-... And itâs normal. Sometimes, I wonder what if. But if I could turn back time, I wouldnât have chosen differently.â
Your grandmotherâs gaze wandered to the coffee table where you spotted something very familiar for the first time since you had arrived: a pink bouquet consisting of different summer flower arrangements. The one Jaehyun and you usually got together and brought over to your grandmother whenever you visited.
This time, you hadnât had time to bring anything, and admittedly it had also slipped your mind completely. Yet, the very same bouquet was standing there on the coffee table.
âJaehyun was here?â you breathed.
She nodded. âThis morning.â
You weren't surprised. This was typical of Jaehyun. He always thought about others first, never missing an event, always reliant and considerate. With your own mind always wandering, you had very much relied on him and he had never complained about taking matters into his own hands.
âGrandma, I-â You didnât know why your heart suddenly felt so heavy.
âIâm not telling you what to do, sweetheart. Iâm just wondering if nowadays, before a couple decides to divorce, they have already given everything. There is a reason you were married in the first place. Thatâs all. That is something you should always think of.â
Yes, you had given everything, every day and minute of your marriage.Â
When Jaehyun had stayed for work longer, then worked during the weekends and then rarely came home anymore. When you had started to feel lonely, not appreciated and unheard of your feelings. When, every time you had still seen each other, every minor thing led to an argument where one of you needed to leave the house.Â
You had tried, over and over again.Â
âI have given it my all, grandma. I have.â
âIf you can confidently say that, then move on, sweetheart.â
____
âIâm sorry.â
âItâs fine.â
You followed Jaehyun into his new apartment, Kang Kang passing by you. He was jumping up and down, circling around Jaehyun like the happy labrador he was. As you had figured out, there were no dogs allowed in Jaeminâs apartment, so you had asked Jaehyun to take care of him this specific weekend.
You wondered whether it was selfish of you and quickly came to the conclusion that yes, it was, and cruel on top of that too. That was why you hid the truth from your soon-to-be ex-husband and had told him you had work in Jeonju this weekend and no other family could take Kang Kang. At least the latter was the truth as you had earnestly tried it everywhere before, but to no avail.
At least, you knew Kang Kang was in good hands, and he hadnât seen his human dad in so long either. You put your dogâs belongings in the living room, which consisted of his bed, a few toys, his bowls and other necessities.
âDonât you have to work this weekend, though?â you asked Jaehyun politely.Â
You still didnât know how to behave in front of him whenever you had to interact. This was actually the third time you met since your official separation half a year ago with the first two being the time he had to pack his stuff and move out completely. How did one interact with the person you were soon to be called ex-husband?
You were nervous and anxious, but also somehow happy to see him, because you hadnât seen each other in three months. Jaehyun was still Jaehyun, he hadnât changed. You wondered whether he was dating someone new now too, though.
âI actually requested time off this weekend when I knew Kang Kang would come,â he answered almost nonchalantly. âDo you want something to drink? Iâm sorry, I only have water.â
You werenât sure whether the water would help the lump that had built in your throat to disappear, so you declined. And just like that, Jaehyun had requested an entire weekend off when you had had begged him in the past to do so over and over again. You were hurt, once again, and it showed all over your face.Â
âIâve started a new job, actually,â he quickly explained, but you didnât know whether it would make it all better, truth to be told. âLess salary, but since Iâm living alone now, itâs fine. They still pay well enough and I have more time to myself.â
You deadpanned, âGood for you.â
It shouldnât bother you anymore, it really shouldnât. But you couldnât shake off the fact that Jaehyun had changed his work and lifestyle almost so easily right after separating from you when he hadnât been able to do exactly that while still with you. What had hindered him all this time?
Jaehyun, sensing already where this conversation would lead to since you had been there over and over again in the past, quickly changed the topic. âHow is your grandma?âÂ
You unpacked Kang Kangâs stuff while he arranged the bed for him where he thought your dog would like it.Â
âQuit playing, I know you visited her.â
He let out a shy laugh. âDid she tell you? I purposely told her not to.â
âShe didnât have to, really. I saw the flowers and knew immediately.â
You turned around to him, and even from the side, while he was kneeling down and petted Kang Kang, you perceived how shy he had gotten as his ears had turned slightly red.Â
âI was worried about her since she hasnât been feeling well these past months. So I wanted to check up on her. I didnât want to break tradition, you know. Yet.â
âI know,â you admitted and quietly added, âThank you for that.â
âI hope sheâll get better soon.â
He shifted in your direction and smiled, and this reaction made you longing for easier times where you didn't have to deal with the fact that this was the last time he had seen your grandmother.
Had you been too greedy, wanting too much that he hadnât been willing to or couldnât give yet? Had you pressured him too much and driven him away instead? Should you have been more patient with him and supported him, even though you hadnât condoned any of his actions? Had it only been a rough patch and you would have come over it by now?Â
Those were questions to which you would probably never get an answer. It was all too late now anyway. The papers were signed from your side.
âJaehyunâŠâ you whispered and wondered whether he had heard it as he suddenly interrupted you with,
âAh, Iâm sorry but you have to leave now.â He arose from the crouch and scratched the back of his head. âI actually have a visitor over the weekend and sheâll arrive soon.â
âSheâŠ?â
He nodded with a hint of reluctance.
You couldnât explain why this revelation hurt almost just as much as the day Jaehyun had opened up about wanting a divorce. You were seeing someone else too, probably for longer than him, but you didnât want him to be dating anyone else, giving her everything you had been asking of him for so long.Â
You should be happy for him to have finally changed and wanting to make it better with the next woman he would grow to love. Yet, all you could think about was that he had never been able to give it to you.
You were so selfish.
âOkay,â you said breathlessly and grabbed your purse, moving to the entrance door.Â
âHey.â You heard footsteps, and before you could grab the handle, Jaehyun was already holding you back by your arm. âIâve known you for too long to unsee the fact that youâre upset. And let me tell you, I understand why youâre angry.â
You lowered your head so that he couldnât read your exact expression. But he didnât need to. He never needed to. To him, you had always been an open book. âIt doesnât matter anymore, JaehyunâŠâ
âYouâre probably asking yourself why I couldnât change my job to have more time for you too. Just like Iâm asking myself why you couldnât have been more independent and wouldnât rely on me only. Weâve both come quite a way, haven't we?â
You took credit for the not independent enough part. After all, since freshman year, youâve only had Jaehyun. He had been the center of your life, of your universe, and this view had shifted into a toxic direction you never wanted to look into again. You truly had turned codependent at some point, you owed that part.Â
All that was left to do was not letting these negative traits affect your new relationships. That was a promise you didnât only need to make to yourselves, but to your new partner, too.
âDo you think⊠Do you think we could have reached this point too if we had stayed together? This is what we have wanted, right?â
After all, it didnât matter anymore. But you really wanted to hear this opinion, whether he thought the same.Â
He admitted, âI donât think we could have evolved like that if we had stayed together.â
âI think so too.â You shrugged off his grip and pulled down the door handle.Â
âIf you ever need something⊠Iâm always here, okay? Call me, text me, no matter how late, I donât care. I will always be here for you.â
After all, he was still so good, fair and bright.
It was unfair that you couldnât offer the same kindness in return. Envy never looked good on anyone.
You switched to a cold business-tone. âMy lawyer told me you received the papers already.â
âI did yesterday. Iâll sign them this weekend and pass them on on Monday.â
âSee you on Sunday then when I come to pick up Kang Kang.â
And then, you left without another word.
____
âI have a gig tonight, but donât worry, we can drop off your things first and head right there,â Jaemin declared. âI already told them to start the soundcheck without me.â
âGig?â Jaemin had picked you up with his car from the train station and you were currently on your way to his house. âI thought we were going to spend the whole weekend⊠you know, at your place.â
âWe will, we will!â he repeated and put his hand on your thigh while the other was still holding onto the steering wheel. âDonât worry about that. Itâs only tonight. Besides⊠youâll get to know all my friends and bandmates too, so thatâs gonna be fun!â
You should actually be excited about getting involved with his life right off the bat, but you couldnât help but to feel more anxious about meeting new people when all you wanted to do was to spend a cozy weekend at Jaeminâs place, just the two of you. You wanted to take your sweet time, learning about each other, and only each other, again.
Jaemin had always been an extrovert while you were the complete opposite, and in all these years, this fact hadnât seemed to have changed at all - just like him always forgetting how hard it was for you to come out of your shell. But you decided that you werenât going to be hurt over this and see it as a compliment to get introduced to his friends and lifestyle so short into the relationship.
Perhaps, this was also a sign for you to break out of your shell that had only hardened throughout the years you had spent with Jaehyun as he was very similar to you. You couldnât always live that way and accepted Jaemin offering to show you a new lifestyle.
âIâm looking forward to it!â you exclaimed and shifted your head back to the street, swallowing your anxiety and just hoping it wouldnât resurface.
____
But it did later that night when you stood by the bar in that very small club, the crowd dancing and singing along to tunes you had never heard before, and you suddenly felt so alone and lost.Â
Back in the days, Jaemin had also been in a band, just one of many self-formed ones in school, but his band had always been the most popular, because, well, he himself was so popular. And even now, he was remaining true to his image, flirting with the crowd through his mimicry and gestic, radiating a charisma that would have all girls on their knees in front of him if only he asked.
Since he was with you now though, you felt proud and a bit haughty that he was still so popular and you had him all to yourself. But also, on the other hand, you were questioning if the negative feelings from your teen years would resurfaceâŠ
The irritation when he hadnât looked at you even once during his performances. The doubts when he had always winked at another girl during his solos. The jealousy when he had eventually talked to said girls after his performances, treating you like air.
But this Jaemin⊠he was different. Just when he finished and you viciously feared that it all would be repeated again, he passed by the entire crowd, not sparing his female fans even a single glance, and walked straight up to you.
âHow was I?â he asked with a beam and you fell happily into his arms.
âAmazing!â
He laughed. âIâm so happy you liked it! Here, let me introduce you to my bandmates.â
So many new faces, but you were feeling welcomed from the very first moment on. There was no need to be anxious about feeling left out and to be nervous about nobody wanting to talk to you. You were having so much fun and everyone wanted to talk to you, wanting to know more about Jaeminâs girlfriend.
You hadnât known he had already introduced you as such and felt very honored.
âLetâs have a toast!â Jaemin then raised up his shot.
âThis will be our fourth toast!â a band member pointed out. âWhat do we still have to celebrate?â
You felt Jaeminâs strong arm around your shoulder, claiming you in front of all his friends and his entire band. âWeâre celebrating her divorce. Iâve waited many years for her to separate from her husband, and now I can have her all to myself, for my entire life!â
You blushed at his loud confession. That didnât seem like your Jaemin who you had known for so long at all. He had always been openly flirty and charming, but love confessions were never really his thing. Until now, apparently.
âSo you want to marry her and spend the rest of her life with her?â someone teased. âWhat happened to Jaemin and when do we get him back?â
You quickly shook your head and waved aside. âPlease, heâs only joking!â
âIâm quite offended you think Iâm joking!â Jaemin objected and turned to you to make the conversation more private. âI mean it. We will spend the rest of our lives together. No matter where.â
This had suddenly turned into such an intimate moment, and all of his band mates sensed it which was why they pretended to be occupied with each other.
âYou canât say things like that so casually here!â you chided. âYouâre probably drunk.â
âIâm actually quite sober and can think straight, and these thoughts currently always lead me to one desire: I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I donât care if you marry me or not, I just want you to always be with me. We will make it work. With your job, your dog, and your family. Even if it means I will have to come to you and live in the capital.â
âThe Jaemin back then wouldnât have uttered these words at all. He was always talking about going to America, getting famous with his musicâŠâ
âWell, I can still go to America. But with you. And one day, when you decide that youâre ready, even if weâre old and grey, we can get married.â
He then kissed you, and you dared to daydream just a little bit. In one possible future, you actually saw yourself watching your husband, Jaemin, standing on the stage of a big stadium in America while the crowd cheered, but he only had eyes for you who stood in the first row.Â
One faraway possible future, you didnât dare to venture in further, because in this one, you were still married and it would take so, so much time until you could actually think of accepting a proposal ever again.
Forgotten was the toast still, and you and Jaemin called it an early night. You were surprised, because back in the days, he would have partied until the sun went up, and longer.
âI want to spend the remaining time with you,â he only said and led you out of the venue by your hand.
Maybe, just like you and Jaehyun, Jaemin had evolved too - to the man you had always needed him to be.
____
The next morning, it had started snowing.
The blanket slipped from your naked shoulder when you arose, the mattress giving in under you as a result of you bracing your hands against the surface. Jaemin was still sleeping soundly next to you. Of course, because a brief look at your phone told you that it was only 7am on a saturday.
Yet, you didnât want to miss this beautiful, quiet hour and slipped out of the bed. Throwing on Jaeminâs t-shirt from the night before, you walked to the big window that offered a panoramic view of the landscape.Â
There were only a handful of high rise buildings in his city and no skyscrapers were seen far and wide. The horizon was a bit cloudy, but the beautiful landscape was still recognizable through the falling snow.Â
You had been to Jaeminâs hometown only once when you were together as teenagers. He had been sent to Seoul to attend a better school and eventually university, but had moved back after his degree.
You loved it here, it was the entire opposite of the bustling and ever lively capital. But living here, you wondered, would you get bored eventually? It was quite the contrary to your personality, but you had always enjoyed your environment being fast and never sleeping while you stood still. It gave you the feeling of never being alone while actually being alone.
A kiss on the back of your neck let you shudder, but in a good way. You giggled and turned around to Jaemin who had his arms wrapped around you now. His muscles were well-built and tense in your grip.
âLook Jaemin, itâs snowing!â you pointed out. âIsnât it beautiful?â
âMhhmm,â he muttered, but he didnât look. âI know a more beautiful view, and itâs also in front of me.â
His voice sounded so sexy when he had just woken up. He embraced you tighter and kissed your temple. âYouâre so charming as always.â
Jaemin chuckled. âWhy are you up so early already?â he then asked you and gently rocked you in his arms. âYou can still sleep.â
âI know, itâs justâŠâ You shrugged. âI want to spend as much time with you here as possible.â
âOh, does that mean I have to get up now too?â he seemingly wailed. âBut what if I donât want to get out of bed yet? Is there something we can do in bed together?âÂ
You didnât need to be told twice, but let yourself get carried, with both of your legs hooked around his waist, back to the bed. Letting out a laugh, Jaemin threw you onto the mattress and then crawled on top of you. He was still naked from last night, his muscles flexing nicely in the dim morning light.
You stretched out your arms and placed them around his neck. Gently, you pulled him close to you so that your nose tips touched, and smiled. You wanted to stop time right here and now, and bathe in this intimate moment for a while longer.
Jaemin didnât know the words âenjoyâ and âpatienceâ though as not much later, sweat droplets started to collect on his chest, making his skin glisten with every shift that he performed on top of you. Your breathing came in hitches and caught every time he pushed himself deeper into you.
âYou like that?â he whispered into your ear, causing goose bumps to spread all along your neck.
âI lotâŠâ A gasp passed your lips when his wet tongue licked your earlobe.
It had slipped your mind when you had last felt this deeply satisfied. What Jaemin was doing right now even topped the events from last night when you had returned to his apartment, even though you had thought that it was impossible to top that.
You stretched out your legs and placed them around Jaeminâs waist, pushing your hips up.Â
âHm?â He raised his head and locked eyes with you, revealing a sneaky smile that was accompanied by a cocked brow to emphasize his feigned surprise. âWhatâs that? Youâre impatient already?â
âItâs you,â you said. âI just canât get enough.â
Jaemin lowered his head again and started sucking on the side of your neck. You were sure you would be able to see a few faint bruises later on, but it was the time to wear scarves anyway and you wanted him to mark you in every way possible.Â
Your fingers entangled in his soft hair that then slipped through the gaps between them, and after a few bypassing moments of absolute stillness from his side where you slowly grew even more impatient, Jaemin started to move inside of you again.Â
When you were a teenager, you had lost your virginity to Jaemin after a few months of dating. He hadnât been as insecure, nervous and awkward as you, because of course, the most popular boy from the band had already gained experience. And it seemed like he hadnât lacked keeping to do so.
Or how else did he know to slip out with only the tip remaining so that you could quickly catch your breath, just to thrust back inside you with full force again? You couldnât help but scream every time he penetrated that sweet spot, and he made sure to hit with every single motion.
The sheets grew wet under you as you were sweating so much, and in the peripheral of your blurry vision, you noticed that it had turned a bit lighter already in the apartment. God, for how long had this been going on, and how much more could you take?
You were already calling out, âJaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin!â, mixed with dry screams that only grew more hoarsely, but you couldnât seem to reach the anticipated release. Whenever you faced him, you only encountered his wicked, charming grin, and were assured that release was nowhere near yet.
Time and space blurred together for you and your mouth hung open, longing for air as he ripped you off it with his thrusts, again and again. The neverending string of a nearing orgasm was always graspable, but remained out of reach as each time, Jaemin took a brief pause by halting his motions and never pulling out entirely.Â
âPleaseâŠâ
You didnât know why he was doing that or where he had even learned to be this skilful to drag it out for so long, and truth to be told, you also didnât want to know. At this point, you were only worried that he was punishing you on purpose, for dumping him back in the days, and for letting him wait for so long. Fair enough, you accepted this kind of punishment over anything else.Â
Jaemin drew his face close and licked over your dry lips. âI want to hear you beg.â
You didnât care anymore at this point. You pressed him close to you, drawing your thighs even tighter around him. âPlease, Jaemin!â
âLouder.ïżœïżœïżœ A low growl into your ear. But eventually, you felt him moving again.
âPlease, Jaemin. PLEASE!â
âLouder!â he summoned.
âJAEMIN, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, PLEASE!â
The next moment, it felt like a wave came crashing down over you after trying to swim away from it all this time. It only took Jaemin two more skilled thrusts at the right angle until you let out a long-lasting scream that was on the brink of waking all the neighbors up, but you didnât care.
You felt your insides clenching around him, your legs shaking in the aftermath while your fingers simultaneously dig deep into his skin as though you were holding onto a lifeline, nails grazing along his back and leaving long marks that would also be visible for quite a time.
Jaemin followed almost directly after you. He was gracious and quiet about it, but you knew him well enough to see that he was still enjoying it a little too much as he revealed himself by a low whimper that he tried to hide in the side of your neck, followed by a long sigh. His arms were shaking as he lost all strength and limply fell on top of you.
Your fingers were still on the back of his head, slowly stroking and comforting him while he was coming down from his heights. Your sweaty chest heaved up and down with Jaeminâs head on top of it.
For a moment, it was silent, only your regular breathing rhythms audible.Â
In that moment, you wondered when you had last felt this happy.
____
âAre you with Jaemin this weekend?âÂ
Jaehyunâs anger was palpable through the phone. You moved away from the queue, signaling Jaemin that you had to take this call while he was lining up to buy you octopus skewers.
âUh⊠I-â
Your still-husband had caught you red-handed and you didnât know what to answer, because you hadnât been prepared for this kind of situation. Only now, you realized that it would have been better to not have picked up the call at all when you had seen his name popping up on the display - âhubbyâ and a heart. You still hadnât brought yourself to change it to his government name.
âAnswer me,â he demanded when your stuttering slowly grew uncomfortable and you settled for a quiet corner to talk to him.
âJaehyunâŠâ
âSomeone sent me a video of his stories from last night and you were in it. I should have known the first thing youâd do would be running to him.â
How was that possible? You didnât have mutual friends anymore from back then who would have cared enough as all contact had started to dwindle down at some point. And as far as you knew, these two had each other blocked everywhere. Unless they didnât anymore and Jaehyun was lying to cover up that he had been digging.
âJaehyun, thatâs not fair at all.â
You heard a snort, followed by dead silence, but he didnât hang up. âWhen did you want to tell me you were spending the weekend with my best friend?â
Dead silence again, but this time from your side of the line. Eventually, you reproached, âYou havenât been best friends for four years.â
âYou told me you werenât in contact anymore since he tried to creep back into your life even shortly after our marriage and I had to nearly physically fight him when he suddenly stood in front of our door.â
âWe werenât in contact!â you defended yourself. âBut he had gotten wind of our separation and then hit me up again. Initially, it was just small talk, how I was doing and dealing with the situation. This is only the third time we've seen each other ever since. I really wasnât in contact with him all this time, Jaehyun.â
âYou never blocked his number or his socials as you had promised or otherwise, how could he have reached you?â
âI did! I told you I did, and I immediately did so back then! He contacted me from another number as he had changed his phone contract. Iâve never lied to you throughout our entire marriage! Donât doubt me now just for me to fit your narrative, Jaehyun.â
âHm.â He always let out this sound when he was at a loss for words, but didnât want to drop the topic just yet. âI see.â
Somewhere in the background you heard Kang Kang and suddenly felt so guilty. Yet, you shrugged it off. You were too happy to get dragged down by his double standards right now. âIâm sorry I didnât tell you the truth about why I wanted to go to Jeonju. But honestly, Jaehyun, you also have a female over this weekend, donât you?â
âI told you straight-forwardly. Also, sheâs not an ex or your best friend, and certainly not my first love.â
He was right. The way you had handled this situation was certainly not pretty or fair at all. Why hadnât you told him the moment you asked him to take care of Kang Kang?Â
Perhaps, because Jaemin had always been a threat to your relationship, long before your marriage and after it too. And it had always been your fault, even though you had complied with Jaehyun's requests about blocking and deleting him.
Somehow though, whenever Jaemin wanted to find you, he always did. And he was lucky to now have found you at a time where you had wanted to be found as well.
âJaehyunâŠâ
He let out a long breather and you imagined him shaking his head at this very moment. âIâm sorry, I donât even know why Iâm calling. I just thought⊠Itâs not even my right anymore to know who youâre with and what youâre doing, but⊠really, him out of all people?â
âJaehyunâŠâ
He hadnât been in Jaeminâs band, but in the same class. You had always seen him around, but never interacted as you had rarely hung out with Jaeminâs friends. He hadnât wanted that. And when you had finally had enough of his shenanigans after suffering in your on-off relationship for two years, you moved on in university - with your exâs best friend who had happened to be the complete opposite, and everything youâd ever asked for.
In the beginning, you had tried to keep it a secret, but eventually came clean with Jaemin after a few months, who had reacted in a very mature way. Or so you had thought. You didnât want to be friends with him as you rarely saw him anyway, but you let them be friends. Eventually, you warmed up to this new dynamic as Jaemin had once been a huge part of your life too. Nothing had seemed weird at first and Jaemin seemingly was okay with it.Â
Until it all went downhill.
âDo you remember the day you told him we were engaged?â Jaehyun then asked.
Of course you remembered. Jaemin hadnât let his true emotions slip, he hadnât thrown a tantrum, he hadnât said anything more than,
âGood luck. But you wonât be married for too long, because sheâll be mine again.â
And ever since then, best friends Jaehyun and Jaemin had never spoken a word to each other again.
It was eerie and sad how this prediction had eventually turned out to be true.
âI chose you, because you are kind, dedicated and warm, Jaehyun. Jaemin was fickle, unreliable and unfaithful, yes, but we were almost still kids! Heâs changed.â
âThatâs what you also said when I was in the army and he tried to test the waters with you again. That heâs changed, when you went back to him shortly. And look how that ended.â
âAre you bringing this up again? We were never involved in that sense again! You were in the boot camp and could only text me for one hour on the weekend, I felt lonely and we wanted to meet up as friends! I was young and stupid, how many times do you still want to hear it?â
â... And he never turned up.â
You bit into your lower lip. If you didnât know it better, Jaehyun was hurt and jealous. But there was seriously no room for him to feel this way anymore. You were separated and it was only a matter of days until it was official. You didnât even need to talk to him right now, but somehow, you also couldnât bring yourself to just hang up.
âThis time, he did turn up. Among many other things.âÂ
Only then did you realize that tears were pricking behind your eyes. In your peripheral, you could watch Jaemin ordering the skewers already, he was not supposed to see you cry.
âAnd you know that from a day of spending with him?â
âYou know, I donât have to justify myself in front of you, Jaehyun.â
âIf you still love me, then say it out loud!â that was what you wanted to tell him. You wanted to grab him by his shoulders, shake him and ask him why he hadnât told you so earlier. Why Jaemin had to come in between you again for him to finally open his mouth.Â
At the other side of the line, it had suddenly turned quiet.Â
âAre you sure about it?â you whispered into your phone. âAbout the divorce.â
âWhat is this about?â Jaehyun almost seemed angry now. âWeâve talked about it over and over again. This is for the best.â
âThen stop bothering me!â
Finally, you hung up and took a deep breather. Wiping a tear from your cheek with the back of your hand, you turned your head against the sky. It was still snowing, and the flakes melted immediately on your hot cheeks.
âEverything alright?â Jaemin asked when he had reached you. âDid something happen?â
You shook your head and accepted the skewer he was holding out to you. âNo, nothing. Letâs go.â
____
Jaemin rolled his head back, his mouth falling agape.
âYes, just like that.â
You felt his fingertips grazing over the back of your head, and then, with a firm tug, he had your hair between his fingers, tightly pulling on it. You swallowed a pained squeal, but the discomfort passed quickly as you realized it even added up to the sensation of sucking Jaemin off.
You let it slip past your mouth, only trapping the upper part between your lips, and then halted. With the tip of your tongue, you pressed down into the slit where you already tasted his sticky precum. You smiled when you heard him groan.
This time though, Jaemin didnât let you get away with teasing him so easily. He pushed your head down his length, and as you didnât have time to prepare yourself for this sudden action, you almost choked at him hitting the back of your throat.Â
You werenât trained in deep throating at all, the only time you had tried, you had wanted to gag so badly. Even now, it wasnât really a cakewalk for you to suppress the reflex. But as you turned your gaze up and caught Jaemin stretched out gloriously on the couch, enjoying it with angelic moans, you gladly complied, no matter the circumstances.
Jaemin set the rhythm with his fingers still entwined in your hair. He pulled on your strands and lifted your head up his length just to slam you all the way down again until you nearly met his pelvis with your lips. It took you three tries to get rid of the gag reflex and another two to adjust to this submissive act.
âNow, suck it.â
You happily did so as it meant having a break from the excessive motions earlier, and only dedicated yourself to the upper half, sucking him off like a lollipop. You also used your tongue with which you teased him again by letting it glide over the smoothest part, just passing the frenulum. The sound he let out as a result was the loudest you had ever heard pass his lips during an intimate act.
âWhat was that?â he asked almost breathlessly, and looked down at you.
âYou like it?â you wanted to know shyly.
âI love it!â he exclaimed and laughed. âDo it again!â
You felt Jaemin releasing himself into your mouth without a warning not much later, though you felt it pumping past your circled lips. Patiently, you waited until he was done and only let him slip out of your mouth then, falling back into a crouch and wiping over your stained mouth.
With a smirk, Jaemin patted the top of your head, then dropped his hand and angled your chin with his index finger. You faced each other, and you observed his expression changing.
âNow, your turn?â he asked with a bit of danger in his voice.
You swallowed, but didnât hold him back. You were in for a wild ride.
That was until Jaeminâs phone rang and he needed to interrupt your act. You wanted him to ignore it, but he had already told you beforehand that he was expecting an important call. Just talk about timingâŠ
You wondered what it could be about when you arose after Jaemin had left the room to go to another and take the call. It was kind of a long conversation as you only remembered how you went on to lie in bed, mindlessly scrolling through your phone and losing track of time. The next moment, when Jaemin came out again, it was already dark.
You were standing by the window now, the snow still hadnât stopped falling. As a matter of fact, it was snowing even harder, and you wondered whether by tomorrow morning, the snow would have put a white blanket over the whole country.
âWhat happened?â you asked, unsure what to read out of Jaeminâs undefined expression.
That was until he broke out into a beam, closed the short distance between you and swept you off your feet. He had his hands placed under your ribs and swung you around with your feet dangling above the floor.Â
You laughed and asked, after he had placed you down again, âWill you tell me what happened now?â
âGreat news!â Jaemin declared with your hands remaining in his. âThat was a producer whoâs called me. Iâve been sending demos to different companies for years now, and finally this one is interested in my music! The producer wants to meet me tomorrow, isnât it great?!â
âOh, Jaemin! Thatâs amazing to hear!â
âI know, right?I have to prepare a few things for tomorrow since I have to drive to Gwangju where the company is located, do you mind?â He suddenly drew his brows together and looked very concerned. âI know we had dinner plans, butâŠâ
You immediately shook your head. Of course, disappointment sank into your stomach as you had especially looked forward to this fancy dinner with him. It was your last night together as you were supposed to go home the next day, but another part, a bigger part, didnât want to be so selfish. She knew that music had always been Jaeminâs dream, and if he could make it his main occupation, who were you to stop him?
âIâm gonna make up for it!â he immediately apologized, led your hand to his mouth and kissed your knuckles. âTomorrow, fancy brunch or lunch before you leave?â
You nodded, very well aware of the fact that knowing Jaemin for the passionate man that he was, neither brunch or lunch would take place tomorrow. Somehow, it was all high school again, but you were more mature now and there was no room for your own, selfish needs.
Jaemin let go of you and dedicated himself to his music station where he gathered together a few documents. âImagine,â he then summoned, âif itâs really going to work out and I am really going to be big with my band, we could play so many shows or even do a tour - maybe internationally too! And I would take you with me of course! To America!â
âJaemin, I have a dog to take care of and a job Iâm really dedicated to, you know that. I cannot be on the road for months.â Had he forgotten the words from last night where he had offered to move to the capital for you? Had your wants been overshadowed by his daydreams once again like back in the days?
âOh yeahâŠâ He scratched the back of his head, but then beamed again. âDonât worry, weâll find a solution!â
Again, he was proposing something so far off into the future without asking what you wanted. Aside from the fact that you liked living a domestic life with a stable job and a routine, you didnât want to be separated from your dog. Or your family, especially your grandmother yet.
And that was what Jaemin didnât get⊠again. Just like the fact that you couldnât think of another marriage already when you were still with one foot inside your current one.
He was impulsive, dreamy and so demanding. But this was what you had wanted, right? Someone to take things into his own hands and consider you in his future, whether you fit in or not.
âYes, weâll find a solution,â you eventually replied as he was expecting an answer. And who knew, perhaps you would really find one.
Jaemin turned back to this work and rambled on about how great of a life you two would have together.
Would you, though?
Your current life as it was, was already perfect for you. Just the man in it hadnât been.
____
With shaking hands, you swiped over your phone screen until, from your blurry vision, you finally saw your husbandâs name pop up. Hubby and a heart next to it. You still hadnât changed it, and for now, you were glad for that as it had made finding his contact easier.
It was only 7am on a sunday, but you knew Jaehyun would pick up no matter how early or late, no matter what, regardless of your dispute from the day before. He had promised.
âGrandmother is in the hospital,â you cried into the phone the moment the ringing stopped. âAnd I- I canât go back. I-I donât have a car and Iâm in J-Jeonju, the trains are not running because of the heavy snowfall and I donât know how to get back, how to get to my grandmother. Jaehyun⊠C-can you-â
It was rustling on the other line and from your peripheral, you could see Jaemin watching you with a displeased face.Â
No questions asked. Jaehyunâs voice was still so deep and raspy as you had just woken him up, but his head was as clear as ever. âSend me the address, Iâll take the car and come pick you up.â
âTh-there is snow everywhere! Itâll probably take hours.â
He didnât ask why Jaemin wouldnât drive you or why Jaehyun himself should do this even though you were separated. At this moment, none of this mattered except the fact that he needed to bring you to your grandmother.Â
âI donât care.â There was some noise on his end of the line, and you could have sworn you also heard a female whispering something, but none of this mattered. âIâll get going now and will text you the estimated arrival time.â
He didnât care about the weather, the amounts of snow blocking the streets, whether he would even get through the traffic, none of this mattered.
âThank you,â you whispered through your sobs.
It was like he still wanted to say something, but only brought himself to end the call with, âSee you.â
Jaemin waited for you to finish typing the address for Jaehyun first before he spoke up. âI wish I could change things.â
âYou can!â you yelled at him, having suppressed your anger for an hour already.
At 6am, you had been unexpectedly awakened by a call from your mother that held unfortunate news you never wished upon anyone to ever receive: Your grandmother was in the hospital as she had fallen in the bathroom that night and had been unconscious for a few hours before she could call anyone for help.
And Jaeminâs reaction?Â
He fell into silence again.
âYou can change things, but you donât want to,â you repeated through tears and fled out of the bed as you couldnât physically bear being close to him anymore.
âThatâs not itâŠâ His feeble attempts to defend himself were all to no avail as expected. âItâs just a once in a lifetime chance, if I need to cancel, I might not be able toâŠâ
âMy grandmother can also live just this lifetime! I only have her for one lifetime,â you hissed, not sparing him a single glance as you started to throw your belongings into your bag. âSheâs fighting for her life in the hospital and you think your music appointment is more important than driving me there? Itâs only in the evening, and youâre worried you wonât make it back to your appointment on time, because of the snow?â
âWe called your parents and the hospital already.â His voice got louder, more determined now, though it was nothing compared to yours. âSheâs fine. You can probably take the train by midday, maybe even forenoon, anyway. Iâm just being realistic.â
âYou just donât get it, donât you? Probably because no one has ever been this important to you.â
The moment you had spoken the words out loud, you already regretted it, but an apology refused to pass your lips as Jaemin only said,
âYou are this important to me.â
âI donât believe you as you cannot even do this for me.â
His music was more important, his career and everything connected to it. It would always, always come first, and this was something that was never going to change, and had never changed, you saw it clearly now.Â
Your relationship in your adulthood was merely a projection of what it had already been in high school.
Nothing had changed.
____
Jaehyun picked you up from a nearby cafĂ© four hours later.Â
You had directly left Jaeminâs apartment the moment you had gathered all your belongings and hadnât looked back - neither had he. He hadnât changed his mind about the situation and he hadnât tried to hold you back, no matter how much you had wished for it.Â
You were standing in front of the café, still in your joggers and with tousled hair, freezing to your bones as the snow touched your naked ankles, but at least Jaehyun was here, regardless of the weather, his appointments and the time.
He was here.
He had always been here.Â
You had just been too blind to see it.
The moment he opened the car door at your side, you broke out into tears again, unable to move, and it caused him to actually get out of the car himself to then approach you.Â
Suddenly, it got so warm around you despite the weather, and even with your teary eyes closed you realized that Jaehyun had pulled you into an embrace. With his slender fingers, he brushed over the back of your head in a comforting gesture as you sobbed into his jacket.
âYour grandmother will be fine,â he whispered into your hair, unaware of the fact that you were currently not crying over your grandmother anymore, but over the fact that he was here regardless of how ridiculous it might sound.
He had made it through the snow chaos and traffic just to bring you home safely. If this wasnât what your marriage vows had been about, then what was? Was that what your grandmother had been talking about?
You had two hours to think about it as you made your way back to the capital. There were many things you wanted to ask Jaehyun. How serious it was with that woman, if she was mad he had suddenly left her for his soon-to-be ex-wife and if he himself was mad that he was here now. But first and foremostâŠ
âWhy did you come?â
âI told you, you could always call me. No matter how late⊠or early in this case, Iâll always be there. Despite that, I care about your grandmother and your entire family, too. For a large part of my life, they were also my family.â
âThey will always be, Jaehyun.â
âI know.â
His gaze was too focused on the street ahead of you as though it was taking him everything in his might to just keep his eyes averted from you. The majority of the snow had been cleared from the streets already so that cars could drive without many obstacles again.Â
âAre you sure about it?â you repeated from your disrupted phone call the day before. âAre you sure about the divorce?â
âWhy does it matter?â he asked back strictly. âHavenât you moved on with my former best friend already, this time for good, because heâs changed so much?â
âThatâs not an answer, Jaehyun.â
You had no reason to feel so attacked, but it still hurt, because he was wrong, even though Jaehyun didnât know it yet. Jaemin hadnât changed at all, and you were too proud to admit it. Perhaps though, you had overreacted as well. Perhaps, everything would have gone so well if only you had been calmer and more rational, and had actually listened to Jaemin. Perhaps, you had done Jaemin so wrong.Â
But Jaehyun was now in the car, driving you back home, and not Jaemin, right? Jaehyun was here, and not Jaemin.
âOn the way to Jeonju,â he started, âI had a few hours to think about everything. Have we given it all? Was a divorce really our last solution? What could I have done differently, what could you have differently for us to avoid this outcome. And I just⊠couldnât come up with an answer.Â
âWhich means, on the contrary, perhaps a divorce was not a solution either,â you concluded. âBut weâve lived in separation for half a year at that point, Jaehyun. And we were fine with it. Weâve had many talks, so why are we here, ripping open this wound again? Whatâs the purpose? I just canât wrap my head around the fact that it only took one weekend for us to doubt this decision.â
âPerhaps, there is none,â he said, and shrugged. âPerhaps, itâs all about what makes us happy, after all. And finding out you lied to me and spent the weekend with him, didnât make me happy at all.â
Now that he was so honest with you, you could be honest with him too. âI also wasnât happy when you told me you would get a female visitor this weekend.â
A long pause followed the conversation before you confessed,
âBut you picking up the phone and being here with me now, makes me really happy.â
âYeah,â he agreed quietly, âIâm also happy you called me and didnât rely on him.â
He didnât ask what exactly had happened with Jaemin, and you also didnât ask him about the other woman when you arrived at his empty home much later that day to pick up your dog after having visited your grandmother together first.Â
She didnât get hurt except for a bruise by her hip and would be fine after being taken care of in the hospital for a few days. You visited her every day for one week straight, but on neither of these days did you see Jaehyun or Jaemin.
The fact that you were disappointed would be an understatement, but you were too caught up with everything going on at this point that you couldn't waste too many unnecessary thoughts in their behaviors.
____
A week later, you and your mother returned home with your grandma. Despite her refusing your offer, you had still insisted on taking one week off from work and living with her, just in case something could happen again and until she regained her health.Â
Nevertheless, you as a family had all agreed on hiring a caretaker that would look after her half a day and who would start right after your week off with her. After a few attempted protests from your grandmaâs side though, she had eventually given in as well.
âWhereâs all the food I requested?â you asked in astonishment as you opened shelf after shelf in your grandmotherâs kitchen, but each of them you found empty. âDidnât father and uncle do grocery shopping? I made an entire list for them and they knew sheâd return today.â
âOh, they were busy last night,â your mother explained after she had taken your grandmother to her bedroom. âTheyâll do it later today.â
You rolled your eyes as you tried to fight the wave of reproach against your family. âBusy with watching football all night long probably. What did they think would happen when we came back home with grandmother? There are no ingredients to make food for her and when I looked into the bathroom, she had also run out of toilet paper. What were they thin-â
âHoneyâŠâ Your mom placed her hands on your shoulders to calm you down, but somehow, her not getting as heated up as you was making you even more disappointed. Were you the only one who cared? âPlease be reassured that everything is going to be fine.â
âHow?â you asked back, a tinge of anger in your voice. âWe come back and the sheets are not washed, we have nothing we can make food of for her and we cannot even-â
Your mom exhaled deeply as she tried to convince you again, âLetâs just order the most important necessities online, okay? Then your father and uncle will bring the rest later today, itâs really not a big deal.â
âSweetheart, will you come here, please?â you heard your grandmother suddenly disrupt your conversation.Â
You let out a long sigh, threw another glare at your mom and then left for the bedroom.
âIâm sorry, grandma,â you apologized as you popped into her bedroom with your head first. âI will go to the store right now to bring you the necessities. You donât need to worry about this, please relax.â
âI do not worry about this,â she reassured you. âI feel so fine here. And you do not need to worry that much either, itâs all going to be fine.â
âNo,â you cried out and shook your head, tears welling up on the brim of your eyes. All your feelings came crashing down on you at once, feelings that you had tried to push aside for an entire week. âNothing is ever going to be fine again!â
You sat down by her bedside and dropped your head. Her soft, warm hand found your fingers and gave them a comforting squeeze. âIs this about your husband?â
âYes,â you admitted, and ânoâ you wanted to say simultaneously as this wasnât about your husband alone. Perhaps, now ex-husband on official papers even. âWhy did he never show up again after going to the hospital with me the first day? I thought⊠he still cared, not only about me, but about you too. Iâm so disappointed. I thought he was different.â
The last sentence was dedicated to both of them, though you confessed silently to yourself that you had never expected this from Jaehyun, out of the two.Â
âBut dear⊠he did come.â
You lifted your head and wiped away a tear that had dangled on the corner of your eye as you faced your grandmother with much surprise. âWhat are you saying, grandma?â
âHe came every single day in the morning before work, we talked for half an hour when I was awake. I thought you knew?â
You had no idea, and looking at your grandma now, who was grinning widely and also a bit sneakily, made you assume that perhaps, she had kept it a secret on purpose - because the effect, when you found out, would be so much more impactful.
And it was.
âGrandma, I had no ideaâŠâ
âThatâs why I asked you, before you decided to separate, did you really give it your all and tried everything possible to fix your marriage before moving on? Because, as far as I can see, youâre not the only one not ready to do so entirely.â
âI⊠I canât say. I donât know. And it doesnât matter anymore, grandma,â you eventually said. âEven if we both wanted it, itâs too late. He has probably already signed the papers and sent them out.â
âFine. But donât forget my words. If, at some point in your life, you realize that you have made the wrong decision, donât hesitate for a single second and tell him.â She leaned back into the pillows. âItâs almost afternoon, I want to sleep. Can you close the door behind you then, dear?â
âOf course.â You gave her a kiss on the forehead and quietly walked out of her room.
Back in the kitchen, you saw your mom sitting at the table, scrolling through her phone. Why was she not up and about yet to do some grocery shopping or at least call your father to do the trip? You were fed up by now, fueled by your grandmotherâs words too.
âMom, Iâm going to the store and Iâll take your car.â
âOkay.â
That was it. You knew she had had a lot on her plate too, but why did everyone not take this situation seriously enough?Â
When you put on your jacket as it was freezing outside, you wondered whether you were overreacting and just putting all your time and energy into this situation, moving here and taking care of things, just so you didnât need to think about how your own life was falling apart. As long as you could take care of someone else, you didnât need to face your own problems. Hadnât this been the root of your downfall as well?
After all, when you returned home after this week, you would get a call from your lawyer to confirm that the divorce was through. You had specifically requested for him not to call while you were here.
What then, after that? Then, you were a divorced woman, and you werenât ready to settle with this term yet.
âCareful!â
You nearly ran into a tall figure when you opened the entrance door. A familiar scent touched your nose, strong hands holding you by your arms so that you could keep your balance after the impact.Â
âWhat are you doing here?â you asked Jaehyun as your gaze simultaneously scanned his appearance, and you spotted two big bags of groceries to either of his sides on the floor.Â
âI thought since your grandmother would come home today, you would need a helping hand,â he stated and pointed at the grocery bags. You saw toilet paper, rice, water, and other necessities peeking out. âI didnât know what to buy, so I just brought a bit of everything. Is that⊠okay?â
You couldnât help yourself but fell into his arms, hot tears streaming down your cheeks. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off your shoulder, and suddenly, this entire situation didnât seem so difficult and hopeless anymore.
You had felt so left alone, like you had overreacted and that your feelings werenât valid. But now your husband was here, having shown up in ways nobody else was. Your feelings were valid, they had always been to him.
Perhaps, your grandmother had been right all along.Â
No, you hadnât tried everything possible, because this clearance came way too late now, and you couldnât apologize anymore for sometimes being a selfish, spoiled brat that had demanded much more from her husband than he was able to give. And always, you had wanted more and more.
Your views on life and the way you wanted to live it had started to take separate roads and you had thought this was not fixable anymore, but was that really what mattered after all?
It wasnât about who was there for you all the time. Your problems couldnât have been solved in that way either. That was why it couldnât have worked out with Jaemin too. It wasnât about this at all.
It was about who showed up during the times you truly needed someone. And it was always Jaehyun. When you needed support, a helping hand or someone to call during an emergency, he had always been there.
If you needed someone at all times, it could be anyone. But if you needed someone when times were hard, it was Jaehyun.
It had always been Jaehyun.Â
âYour grandma is going to be fine,â Jaehyun whispered and gently patted the back of your head.
But you werenât crying over your grandmother anymore, but about your failed marriage.
Because yes, you regretted it deeply and had not given it your all.
Because now, it was too late.
Neither of you spoke about the divorce papers that day.
____
Jaehyun didnât come over anymore and neither did you reach out to him during the week you lived with your grandmother.Â
You were determined to make it on your own from then on. Very soon, you were an official divorcée and single dog mom, so it was better to start early with this new lifestyle. Knowing you too well, Jaehyun might have already sensed it as he was leaving you completely alone during that time.
You brought Kang Kang with you to live and thus your days started with walking your dog before helping your grandmother get ready and preparing breakfast that you eventually ate together just like the other meals. Even though your grandmother was still able to do most things by herself, you noticed how slower, shakier and sometimes disoriented she had become.Â
Time was not stopping, for nobody.
During the day you were occupied with doing chores, taking care of paperwork as well as your grandmother and Kang Kang. At the end of each day, you fell into your bed, absolutely exhausted and tired. Your mind was always occupied as well and there was no space for other things except for those brief moments during nighttime when you were alone and neither busy in a physical way or in your mind.
Then, you stared at the ceiling and wept.
Because you missed Jaehyun so badly and wished for him to be with you. You would have done anything for him to be here right now, but your marriage was over and you needed to move on without him.Â
Everyday with this realization was hard, but luckily, no day grew harder than the day before. Eventually, they would only grow brighter.
That was your silver lining.Â
____
Realizing that you wanted to be with Jaehyun after all, meant in retrospect that you couldnât be with Jaemin. And just because you couldnât be with Jaehyun, didnât mean you should be with Jaemin. That was not how it worked, unfortunately.
âHey, itâs me,â you spoke on the phone, watching the skyline from your window the first night you had returned to your home.Â
He had promised to always pick up when you called, but this time, he hadnât. You were struggling to come to terms with the fact that he indeed didnât want to be reached by you either this time. Perhaps, not anymore at all.
You remembered why you had married Jaehyun.
You had married him, because he took care of the people he loved, because he made things seem more bearable when they werenât and because when he said he would pick up whenever you called, he actually did. That was not a void Jaemin could just fill.
You would always search for a Jaehyun in his eyes, and that was not fair, because he was not. He was Jaemin, an entirely different person. And there was a person out there that would be perfect for him, too.
âI just wanted to tell you that this is the last time you will ever hear from me.â Softly, Kang Kang was snoring in the corner, filling the pause that then followed.
Maturing was realizing that just because you wanted to be with someone, you shouldnât be with them. Maturing was realizing that only because you didnât want to be alone, you should be with someone. Maturing was realizing that even on the third try, some people still werenât meant to be together.
Tears sprang from your eyes, but your voice gave no hint of it. âTruth to be told, I am very disappointed that you never showed up again⊠called me, or at least sent a message, asked me how we are. It was a very hard time for me and you just⊠werenât there.â
But someone else had been. You dried your cheeks with the back of your hand.Â
âYes, I could have messaged or called you too⊠but why should I have when I was the one suffering? Admittedly, I also didnât need to. I handled it all myself very well. That made me realize⊠I wanted this, Jaemin. I wanted this so much, with you. But I didnât need it. I donât need you. And the past weeks made me realize that you feel the same. You donât need me either.â
You could live without Jaehyun and you could live without Jaemin, you just had to be strong enough to make it on your own now that you had neither.Â
And you would make it on your own.Â
You had the drive, passion and strength all within you, you just had failed to notice for so long. After all, you had been able to take care of your grandmother, dog and everyone around you for the past weeks. So taking care of yourself wouldnât be harder than that.
Had you broken down and experienced weak moments? Yes, several times. But that had only made you stronger.
âIâm strong and not afraid, I will always make it on my own. And you will make it too. Go out into the world, perhaps even travel to America where you always wanted to go, make your dream about music come true⊠I wish for you to achieve everything youâve ever wanted, with my whole heart.â You swallowed hard and added, âItâs just not going to be with me. I donât know where my place is yet, but itâs not by your side.â
For now, your best companion was yourself. And your dog. And actually, that was enough.
You finished speaking on the mailbox with, âGoodbye, Jaemin.â
You didnât hesitate to delete his number and block him all across social media. This time, for good.
The fact that you cried yourself to sleep that night would be your own little secret to keep, but it would also be the very last time you would find yourself in a position to cry over Jaemin, ever.
The next morning, you felt free. The air was clear and crisp. It was cloudy, but not snowing. Thank god.
____
âI apologize for having to tell you this, but Mr. Jeong hasnât signed the divorce papers.â
âPardon me?âÂ
It had been a dreadful feeling to take the call from your lawyer the next morning. The more surprised you were about the actual message he had just passed down to you. Your breath caught.
âHis lawyer told me he refuses to sign them and sent them back to me unsigned, thatâs why I couldnât send them to you yet.â
You frowned as you suddenly turned utterly confused. âBut why? What did he say? Is there something he still wants to negotiate over?â
âThey didnât tell me, just that he refuses to sign them. Iâll resolve this for you, be at ease.â
âDonât,â you held him back. âIâll do it myself.â
âYouâre not allow-â
But you had already hung up and were halfway out of the door, he didnât even come to end his sentence.
____
Not even an hour later, you were standing in front of Jaehyunâs apartment door, ringing the bell like a maniac. He looked at you like he had expected you already as you stood in front of him with your arms folded in front of your chest.
âTook you long enough.â
âCare to explain to me why you sent the documents back unsigned?â
âCome inside,â he invited you calmly.
Your eyes narrowed. âYour girlfriend doesn't mind?â
âWe havenât seen each other since that weekend⊠and I rather want it to stay this way.â
Your heart jumped. That basically meant they werenât together anymore, you concluded as you followed him into his apartment and took your shoes off in the corridor.Â
âWhat about Jaemin?âÂ
âSame.â
It seemed that you both didnât want to talk about your past lovers, and even though you were curious, if he had to elaborate, then you needed to as well, and there was no way you would ever want to live through the past weeks again.
âI was thinking about our conversation in the car back from Jeonju,â he began as he shifted around to face you the moment you arrived in the living room, âabout what makes me happy. When we were separated, we didnât see each other, and I was happy living a life I havenât gotten a taste of before. I was happy doing new stuff, trying out new things, being untied from you. Because what made me unhappy⊠was you.â
Your eye twitched as you didnât know whether you should feel offended now. But when you let the words sink in and contemplated them, you felt exactly the same. Seeing and spending time with your husband had dreaded you of all your energy and happiness as you two had forgotten how to be happy together anymore.
And you told him exactly that now.
âI agree.â He nodded. âAnd then I thought about what made me really unhappy. Because up until two weeks ago, I was really happy. And then came you, and you made me feel so miserable.â
You drew your brows together, not quite sure if you had heard right. But you had, and it stung. No, it actually hurt very much that it took all your might to refrain yourself from crying right now. âI⊠still make you unhappy?â
But Jaehyunâs facial expression didnât match his words as he nodded. His features were soft, a slight smile playing around his lips. There was no way he could find this amusing?
âIt makes me unhappy to see you unhappy. It makes me unhappy to see you suffering because of your grandmother and simultaneously getting mistreated by the guy who is supposed to make you happy. Because if he canât do it, who will? I was just too blind to see this.â
You dropped your gaze. Jaehyun had. He had shown up in ways nobody else ever had. Just to⊠see you happy, because he couldnât stand the thought of you being sad and miserable?
Knowing he was pushing so far, he didnât wait for you to reply, but instead wanted to know, âWhat makes you unhappy?â
âWhen youâre not with me.â
With slow steps, he approached you until he stood tall and calm in front of you. You lifted your head and looked into his clear and sincere eyes.
âPlease donât ask me what will make me happy, Jaehyun,â you pleaded him straight-forwardly. âBecause Iâm not sure whether youâd like the answer.â
âWhat if Iâd like to hear it?â
You furrowed in worry. âAt all cost?â
Jaehyun inhaled sharply as though in tension, but his soft features remained.Â
âWhat if you donât like it?â you asked.
âYou will never know if you donât try, right?â
âIf, at some point in your life, you realize that you have made the wrong decision, donât hesitate for a single second and tell him.â You remembered your grandmotherâs words too well.
He didnât expect it though when you threw your arms around his neck and pulled him down to you.Â
He still tasted exactly like in your memories.
____
âAre you excited, Kang Kang?âÂ
Your dog yelped and ran around in circles. You patted his head when he eventually came to a standstill in front of you and looked up to you with big eyes.
âAre you excited to live with your dad again?â
As though in response, Kang Kang started to whirl around again and you laughed. Lately, you found yourself laughing very often, and every time it came from deep within you with all sincerity and happiness.Â
In the past two weeks, your grandmother had started to settle with her new caretaker so that you could cut down your visits to once or twice a week, because you were currently busy moving houses. But each time, Jaehyun came with you, and your grandmother was overjoyed.
You had decided to move into a new home together that wasnât riddled with memories of a very unpleasant phase in your marriage that had almost ended it for good. It was just as big and beautiful as this apartment, but you had already agreed that that one would only be a temporary home as well.
Maybe, not too far in the future, you could move outside of the city where Kang Kang would have a garden to run around in and where he would have playmates, maybe both, a boy and girl.
You blushed at the thought and looked at the engagement ring and wedding band that you had been wearing again since the day you had found out that your husband had never signed the divorce papers.
Just because you could make it on your own didnât mean you wanted and needed to. After all, you had given a vow to each other, because somewhere in the past, you were so happy, you had agreed on spending the rest of your lives with each other. And that meant something, so much more than anyone not married could imagine.Â
You werenât walking down the aisle thinking youâre going to get divorced. You got married, because this was supposed to be forever.
Yes, it was right that it took much less to turn âTill death do us partâ into âTill your lack of time for me do us partâ, but unlike the worst case scenario, everything else was fixable.Â
The movers were busy carrying down the last boxes with your stuff while you put Kang Kang on a leash. Looking around your old apartment for one last time, you bid farewell to this home of yours that not only bore bliss, but also destruction. But you had come out of it stronger, better than before.
You wouldnât say that all your differences were now solved by deciding to get back together. Love alone couldnât magically make them disappear, that was not how it worked. But you had talked long about this, what you needed to get back to where you had once been.
You had thought of your grandmotherâs words every so often. No, you had not given it all yet, you eventually had to admit to her personally too, and she had only smiled, as though in knowing. Jaehyun and you both still had, apart from love of course, the passion, the determination, the strength. And hope.Â
As long as there was that, your marriage was fixable.
And this time, you would make sure nothing would do you part again.
âThe movers are ready, so we should get to the car. Here, let me take Kang Kang.â
Your heart was full of love and hope too when Jaehyun appeared at your door with a smile and took the leash from you after giving you a kiss on your cheek.Â
Jaehyun was a husband who took care of things, so that you wouldnât need to. Wasnât this what marriage was about? Making each otherâs lives easier and happier, because life itself was already hard enough.
Your grandmother had realized this very early. What a woman.
You didnât think of Jaemin that often anymore. Only every now and then, he involuntarily crossed your mind and tugged on your heartstrings as a strong memory that day by day slowly faded, too. His face became blurry when you tried to remember his exact features, and eventually, he would only be a flash of a picture among a string of memories when you thought back to this time. As it had always been.
The only difference was that you had shut down every possibility of reaching out on either side. When you caught yourself wanting to unblock him and look him up on social media, you put your phone aside and let the feeling pass. It really worked wonders.
And one day, even this urge would perish.
When you stepped onto the streets that were still layered with a thin sheen of snow and ice, you noticed that the sun was shining and a touch of spring lingered in the air. The temperature would start to get warmer soon as well.
Your husband helped Kang Kang into the back of the car before he circled it and opened the door for you. And that was it, the huge difference. So subtle, but so grave all at once, it nearly made your heart burst.
âAre you ready to go home?â Jaehyun asked.
And finally, you answered, âYes, I really want to go home.â Â
Winter was still here, but in your heart, it was already summer when your husband took your hand.
You wanted rays of sunshine, warm breezes, salt on your skin and the chanting of crickets.
You wanted it to always be summer.
You wanted your husband.
____
One month prior
Jaemin had followed you all the way back to Seoul that very same day your grandmother had been admitted to the hospital, ditching the biggest opportunity in his entire life after all.
After he had seen you so disappointed and sad, mostly because of him, your expression hadnât left his mind for hours. When it dawned on him what he was doing to you, letting you down in a very crucial situation, he wanted to beat himself up for being such a selfish idiot once again and had directly made his way to the cafĂ© where you had fled to. But when he had arrived, you were already gone.Â
Following you all the way to Seoul, he had been thinking of all the ways he could make it up to you. He had booked a hotel in the city and prepared to stay there for as long as you needed him. But when he had arrived, he saw you in front of the hospital and you werenât alone.Â
You had been with your husband and he had held you close as you cried in his arms, he had seen it all from his car.
He was too late again, he had thought. But when he had looked closer, the way Jaehyun was holding you and consoling you, he knew that timing wasnât the problem, it had never been.Â
You couldnât be hugged like this by anyone. Jaemin couldnât embrace you the way Jaehyun did, and it turned out to be a painful realization for him. It couldnât be him, it also couldnât be anyone else. It had to be Jaehyun.
It had always been Jaehyun.
___
âMay I come in?â
Jaemin stood in front of Jaehyunâs door later that fateful day after you had left with your dog, facing his former best friend in person for the first time in many years.Â
Occasionally, he would look at his social media after he had found out on a random day that Jaehyun had unblocked him and vice versa. Somehow, they still wanted to know what the other was up to, who they were up to with. The irony of that.
Jaehyun remained quiet, but pushed the door open for him.Â
âWhy are you here?â Jaehyun then asked him when they reached the living room. âSheâs not here.â
âI know,â Jaemin answered. âI came for you.â
âSo?â He braced his arm against the table and leaned back. âThe invitations for the tea party are not out yet.â
âThere is no need to be so condescending.â At this point, Jaemin was just so tired and wanted to leave this all behind him. âAfter today, I will be out of your lives, forever.â
âSounds tempting. But as you know, we will be officially divorced soon, so sheâs all yours to have.â
âBut Iâm not the one she needs.â
Jaehyun drew his brow together. âYouâre the one she wants to be with.â
He smiled mildly and repeated, âBut Iâm not the one she needs. We donât need to be together a fourth time to figure this out. You show up in ways I will never be able to, youâre the one she needs, even if she doesnât see it yet.â
âWell⊠youâre too late.â Jaehyun shrugged. âIâll sign the papers and will send them to my lawyer tomorrow. You think sheâs some puppet you can toss around when youâre done playing just to pick her up again when itâs convenient for you? Thatâs not how relationships work.â
âI know.â Jaemin dropped his head in regret. âIâve never wanted all of this. Iâve always wanted the best forâŠâ
â...yourself,â Jaehyun ended the sentence aloud.
â... her,â Jaemin ended the sentence in his head.
And even though everything was different now, even though he had evolved and grown so much as a person, it was easier to let them believe that he was still the selfish, hard-headed Jaemin from the past.Â
After all, he couldn't hold her like Jaehyun to make her feel so happy.Â
It had to be someone particular. It had to be him.
And if he would be gone, then no one could make her happy anymore.
So Jaemin dashed forward and grabbed his former friend by the collar. Jaehyun was too perplexed to instantly react and just faced his opposite with a shocked expression.
âListen up,â Jaemin growled, âif you send out signed divorce papers, I will come for you in the worst way possible. If you donât rekindle this marriage with her, I will make your life a living hell. We might not like each other anymore, but we both love her, and if I ever see you making her sad again, you can dig your own grave. You will fix this marriage, no matter the cost, are we in the clear?â
He slowly let go of Jaehyun after luring out a reluctant nod from him. Latter cleared his throat and asked, â... but, do you think she even still wants to be with me?â
This time, Jaeminâs smile was sincere. âIâm absolutely sure about that. Show her again the reason why she was picking you over me, again and again. Remind her of all the traits that make you so much better for her than me, and she will choose you again. If she hasnât already. Or do you not want t-â
âI do!â Jaehyun blurted out. âI absolutely do.â
Jaemin stretched out his arm and gave his former friendâs shoulder an encouraging squeeze. âVery well.â
When he made his way to the door, Jaehyun stopped him with the words, âThank you. Honestly.â
Initially, he wanted to turn around, but it was starting to burn behind his eyes, so Jaemin kept his back turned to Jaehyun and said,
âDonât make me regret this.â
____
Jaemin threw his phone into the bushes on his way out.
So, what now?
He turned his head to the sky, and even though the tears started streaming down his face now, he tucked his hands into the pockets of his jacket and smiled through the blurriness. The wind was cold and burned his wet cheeks, and suddenly, it started snowing again.
This pain would vanish, he was sure of that. When you had fixed your marriage, got children and grew old together, his pain would eventually pass in this timeline.Â
Yet, at that moment, it felt like it ripped Jaeminâs heart to shreds, even to the point where he wondered if he was actually tricking himself into believing that he would be fixed again or had to live the rest of his life with this ache slowly eating him up from the inside until there was nothing left of him anymore except for the frayed edges of his once so lively soul.
Jaemin took a deep breather and swallowed the next wave of tears.
He had no regrets, despite everything. And he still had hope. As long as there was that and he was able to hold onto these faint strings, he would continue on.
A fresh start, that was what he needed now as he trotted to his car. Far away from you and Jaehyun so that your paths would never cross again in this lifetime. That was the last selfless act he could still offer to you.
America sounded good.
#jaehyun#jeong jaehyun#jaemin#na jaemin#nct#nct 127#nct dream#jaehyun smut#jaemin smut#jaehyun imagines#jaemin imagines#jaehyun scenarios#jaemin scenarios#jaehyun x reader#jaemin x reader#jaehyun x you#jaemin x you#nct smut#nct imagines#nct scenarios#nct x reader#nct x you#nct 127 smut#nct dream smut#nct 127 scenarios#nct dream scenarios#nct 127 imagines#nct dream imagines#nct 127 x you#nct dream x you
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More thoughts for my juvenile delinquent turned fighter pilot Jake au
Previous post
Jake finishes high school in juvie at 16 cause he was bored and getting his GED was easy
Heâs 17 when he starts at the academy cause that sounded better than sitting around juvie for a year til he turned 18
Due to his history and being 17, Jake is assigned to an admiral to go stay with on breaks and check in with since they couldnât put an ankle monitor on him
The admiral is Sam âMerlinâ Wells who over time becomes like a dad to Jake along with his husband slider
Jake isnât allowed to drive until heâs 18 cause they think he might try to run if given the chance
Before stealing that high performance car at 16, Jake hid his own car at a friends uncles junk yard and paid him all the cash he had and promised to pay him another significant sum of money when he comes back to get the car
The car is a skyline (like Brian drives in fast and furious)
Jake goes to pick it up when heâs 26 (in this au police can no longer search a vehicle after 10 years after a crime is committed (so if he committed the crime in March 14, 2006 he would have to wait til March 15, 2016 to be able to drive the car again without the police being able to search it for evidence) (no clue if this is how crimes and evidence works irl but itâs how it works in my au
So in my mind the ship for this is Beau/Jake cause I imagine Beau being a car guy
They meet at a car meet when Jake is in flight school (Jake is like 21-22)
They end up getting married 3 weeks after meeting (neither knows the other is in the navy but they told each other they both travel frequently for work)
They only find out cause beau is in charge of all the squadrons on the ship doing carrier training and Jake is on that carrier doing carrier training after flight school
Javy and warlock were both at the courthouse as witnesses when Beau and Jake get married
So the big crime that Jake actually does to get arrested at 16 is to steal a prototype car from an event where he pretended to be a valet
What attracts the navy to Jake, is that during the chase Jake uses a homemade EMP device to disable police vehicles en mass which has never been done before as the ones at that time required you to basically âlock onâ to another vehicle and could only be used on one vehicle
Essentially, the military want Jake to teach them how to replicate the one he used since Jake destroyed the one he used during the police chase
Jake would roll up to dagger family dinner (mav has the daggers over for dinner every other week or more, sometimes ice is there sometimes he isnât) with his skyline once he could drive it again, running late
Mav doesnât allow phones at dinner cause itâs âfamily timeâ which is fine by Jake but Jake makes a comment about â how being phone free means his husband canât bitch about Jake spending $$$$ on new tiresâ
Ice getting home and laughing cause the neighbors are bitching about Jakeâs car cause itâs old and is bringing down their property value
This is the first day Jake is driving his skyline again after getting it back
No one knows about Jakeâs history at this point, not even Javy, he just thinks Jake is super in to cars
Thinking about having it be a slight crosser with fast and furious where Brian and Jake are friends but idk for certain yet
#jake hangman seresin#tom iceman kazansky#icemav#daggers#beau cyclone simpson#Jake / beau#juvenile delinquent Jake au#sam Merlin wells#ron slider kerner#this au is the last thing i think about at night before falling asleep
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Hello, Jen! I hope youâre having a lovely day today. đ
Iâm not sure if youâve ever experienced this, but I feel like thereâs a specific kind of loneliness that comes with being a lesbian. Having a sexuality that stems from the absence of men makes me feel very removed from other people, sometimes even other queer people. Have you ever felt that way? How do you handle that? As much as I love being a lesbian, sometimes I yearn to be attracted to men just so I feel a little less lonely.
I would say I have felt the isolation and loneliness you are talking about even in LGBT+ spaces.
In high school many of the girls around me were "boy crazy" and they were at once made to feel bad for that and praised. It was weird to me as I watched them talk about how great boys were only to also hear them in secret being grossed our OR worse, scared of the boys they publicly "chased".
Since I felt the no real need get the attention of boys but knew it was expected I thought it was a phase. That we were all like of faking it until the attraction was real. That set me up to very often second guess any feelings of sexuality towards women, thinking it was me misinterpreting the way everything was supposed to play out.
As I got older most of my friends in college were gay men or women who dated women but did NOT use lesbian and almost all of them them went on to marry men while the gay men continued on as gay men. This made me feel like perhaps I was the odd one out. I did have an RA who was out and open but I was skeptical I could ever be as brave or confident in my sexuality as she was. What happens if I too was in a phase and had to leave behind any woman I formed a relationship with only to grow up and marry a man?
I literally was waiting for the "phase" my mom and my peers and media was telling me I was in to finally end. Thankfully (because I LOVE being a lesbian) it was not a phase. The phase we being unsure and repressed about it.
The good news that I can impart from experience is that the more lesbians you meet the more you see that you are not alone and we can experience different things and still deeply connect on our sexuality. It gets less lonely as you get more life under your belt and truly love your sexuality as a lesbian for things that media can't explain but other lesbians can. The deep connection to women, the intimacy that is mutual and so warm it makes your entire body and mind content while in each other's arms.
I used to want to be straight just because it looked easier and safer. Now I would take on hell or high water to stay just as a I am.
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for the one shot request: give us sexy basketball jean (i actually hate basketball but i love jean so...idk what came over me)
EB, thank you for the prompt!! :D I'm not too into basketball either, but I gave it my best shot anyway. I did write this stoned. I hope this satisfies your basketball Jean itch :)
this song fueled my inspo and is the namesake, and hereâs the ao3 link :p
NSFW, 18+ ONLY
Jean Kirstein x Female Reader wc: 3.1k, Ch. 1/1
"Grins"
Dating team captain Jean Kirstein meant occasional bouts of loneliness during late night practices. He always planned to come straight to yours after though, as you were both shamelessly clingy.
Being around Jean made you feel like a giddy schoolgirl, or a crazy fan meeting her idol. He was admirable in every way, and he carried himself like a fuckinâ jerk. He was tall and grew his hair longer at the nape of his neck. His shoulders were wide and his hands were bigâheâd grab the ball with one hand to show off when he knew you were looking.Â
You met when you accompanied your roommate Hitch to a weekly pilates session at the campus gym and rec center.Â
In her seemingly expert planning, Hitch timed your walk to the class with the end of the menâs basketball team practice.Â
âThereâs the blond thatâs gonna marry me one day,â she quipped in a low voice, and you nearly choked with laughter.
The sweaty, shirtless players would share the short stretch of hallway with the two of you before diverging away to the showers. It was hard not to ogle.
Hitch had given you the rundown about who was who and who was hot in between reps at pilates. You never gave much thought to the sports at EU, but it turned out the varsity basketball team had a reputation.Â
Over time, you understood her fascination, and had picked out your own pretty boy from the lot, just for laughs. Jean was eye candy and you had an embarrassing sweet tooth.Â
You didnât think much of the sightings, just enjoying the times youâd walk past each other at the gym and occasionally on campus, and wonder hopelessly if he had really locked eyes with you, or if youâd made it up.Â
Sometimes you happened to arrive early enough to watch some of their practiceâseeing the boys banter and puff up their chests, dunking on each other and arguing.
By some miracle or twist of fate, one day Jean began to lag behind his friends, catching your stride, with a cocky smile that made your stomach drop.Â
âYou know, youâve got pretty eyes,â he said politely, hushed low and so restrained, yet something about his tone made you nervous. His headphones dangled from his neck and his shirt had a dark ring of sweat at the collar. He was looking at you like heâd decided on something. âWhatâs your name?â
âOh, me or her?â You jerked a thumb at Hitch. She was a catch, and more likely to be approached between the two of youâbut your friend stifled a laugh and said nothing.Â
Jean shook his head.Â
âYou.â As if it were obvious.Â
Jean rotated his shoulders lightly as you chatted with himâhe asked about your major and where you were from, and you wondered if he was flexing on purpose.
From then on, Jean seemed to be everywhere. Heâd catch you in the student parking lot, walking you to your car and leaning a hand on the door just to watch you squirm. Heâd be across the study room at the library, and youâd catch each otherâs unsubtle stares until you eventually asked him to join you.
After weeks of torturous flirting and late night phone calls, he convincedâpractically beggedâ you to come to one of his games.Â
Hitch was thrilled to get such good seats and cheer Reiner on from the stands, and you couldnât help but smile when you saw Jean point right at you and wink.
You werenât really into basketball, but god, you were into him.Â
You couldnât take your eyes off him as the game went on, and he couldnât stop flirting your way in between plays. He was still carrying out his duties as a captain though, and his determination and set jaw entertained you just as much.
After that first game, Jean offered to take you home. He didnât tell you until later that he skipped out on a team dinner to spend time with you instead.Â
He had let you wear his Eldia University sweater as you settled into his passenger seat, and later when you arrived at your apartment, he let you wear his jersey as you settled into his lap.
You both had some beersâsome peach flavored shit that was forgotten in the fridge. You had no idea how Hitch hadnât finished it all. You had knocked so many back that you were unabashedly straddling his hips and rubbing his biceps in a drunken haze.
âSo, Y/nâs first game with the Devils,â Jean takes a swig. He was shirtless after giving you his jersey, lounging in his boxers on your comforter. âWhat did you think? Feeling the school pride?â
âA little,â you laughed. Watching him play was a delight. âWhat happened towards the end there, though?â
âLack of discipline.â Jean rolled his eyes. Heâd lost his temper just a bit when Eren had fouled out . âOtherwiseâdid you have fun? Because yâknow, that three in the last quarter was for you.âÂ
âOh thank you!â You laughed. âIâm honored. Youâre so intimidating on the court.â
âYeah, really?â He asked, his voice level and nonchalant. âI didnât know I intimidated you. Iâd hate for that to cause a problem.â He pulled you a bit closer.Â
Your faces are only inches apart all too suddenly and you blush hard. Asshole. He wasnât subtle about what he wanted.
âI didnât say that,â you averted your eyes and gave him a little shove, creating a few more inches of distance. You adored the curve of his chin, and the soft color in his lips.
Fuck, heâs pretty.
Jean was a sight to have in your bedroom, so handsome and ripped like heâd walked off a movie set. You almost couldnât handle it. You never dated âpopularâ guys. The sentiment was a little high school, but it was a fact. Jean was charismatic. He was sure of himself. You donât know if you could ever admit to him that you were still completely starstruck.
âI canât imagine how you do it,â you said with a small smile.Â
âWhat?â Jean said softly. You could smell the alcohol on his breath. He moves a strand of hair gently away from your face and watches you with his intense gaze, pupils blown.Â
You chug the rest of your beer for a bit of bravery and toss it off the bed.
âBeing EUâs golden boy,â you say dryly. âBeing under those bright lights, all those people counting on you. Youâre so damn good at it.â You moved your hands to his shoulders, inevitably sliding down to his biceps again. You can tell that heâs staring at your lips now too.Â
 It was hard to focus in the dim light, against the warmth of Jeanâs bare chest. You were all too aware of how he circled his thumb gently against one spot of your leg, torturing you. He smells so good.Â
âWell, I like being good at things,â he said simply, running his palms against your thighs. He watched your face as he rubbed your legs slowly, inching higher up a little bit every time. âAnd I like coming home after a game and feeling exhausted. The full body burning from working so hard. The muscles aches are proof Iâm living to my fullest potential, and I think thatâs what my life on the court is all about.â
You were trying not to shake from his touch. Jean was practically massaging you, full contact with both his palms, warm and rough as they ran right above your knees and every inch up to the smallest part of your waist. Heâd trace lines and shapes, squeezing your flesh. Your breathing was uneven and light.Â
âUm,â you swallow quietly. âThat sounds.. Interesting.âÂ
Jean slipped his hands under the jersey, pawing at your tits before lowering his head and kissing your neck, trailing up to your jaw. Your breath catches at the sudden sensation.
âThatâs right.â He said, reassuring and stern.
You were shaking now. One of his hands supported you while the other kept rubbing your thighs. He was manhandling you as you were limp in his grip, dazed and drunk, simmering in pleasure. His breath was tingly and hot against your neck. Longing grew in your core and you ached for him.Â
âJean, kiss me..â You whine and grab at his face with desperation.Â
He laughed softly, amused at your neediness. Your heart was pounding when your lips met, and he sighed softly at the contact.Â
Jean tasted so good. He pushed against you, probing your lips gently, the friction was perfect and you couldnât stop yourself from going back for more. He ran his tongue over your bottom lip and you shuddered. You loved how warm he felt against you, how comfortable he seemed. Thrill and lust surged in your veins, humming inside you.Â
âPlease..â You murmured against his lips.Â
You fold so easily for him. You were thrilled to have the honor of folding for him, becoming undone by Jean was heaven.
âYouâre too cute.â He said breathlessly. He unhooked your bra and tossed it aside, and returned to rubbing your thighs and groping you.Â
God, fuck him.Â
He was glistening in sweat, breathing deep and heavy. Your thighs rub together in his lap and he cradles your ass with one hand. He kissed you deeper, biting your lips and sucking on them.Â
âOh my god..â Youâre grinding against him, kissing him like you were deprived. âFuck off..â
Jean rolls his eyes at your faux defiance and curls a hand around your throat. He kisses you harshly, urgently, his hands rough against your stomach, your thighs. Your neck is in his one hand, and he grazed your skin with his teeth.Â
Fuck him for looking at you like this, like he was starving. Fuck him for how big and hard his cock feels through these boxers. He preoccupied you with one kiss after another and you drowned in the burning pleasure that was growing in between your legs.
Jean pulled away for a brief moment and jerked his head to the opposite wall.Â
âIs that a mirror?â He said, a crooked smile forming with delight.
Your cheap mirror was small and thin, glinting in the dark, leaning against your closet door.
You nod and blush, realizing his idea.
âCome here,â he pulls you onto his lap again, your back against his chest.Â
You swallow nervously and try to look away, but he holds your chin.
âWhatâs wrong?â
âItâs just..annoying, how impressive you are,â you mumbled.Â
âOh, sweetheart,â Jean breathed. He had the perfect view of your shaking legs as he took the waistband of your panties, pulling them off. âYouâre easy, you know that? You get groped by big, strong hands and now youâre fucking soaked.â
His boner was pressed up against your ass, and he hooked his hands under your knees and spread your legs apart.
Youâre flushed and dazed, and let out a soft sigh as he cups your cunt, tapping it gently. You were so wet.
âIâm.. not..â You grip his wrist, not to stop him, but for support.Â
âYeah?â Jean challenged. He dipped the pad of his middle finger against your pussy and spread the wetness around the folds, barely brushing your clit. âWhatâs this?â He said, his voice dark and rough. âYou love this, donât you?â
Jean takes his time playing with you. He rubs your puffy clit with care, achingly slow. Your sighs fueled his dexterous movements, rubbing circles and making lines. He traced the folds of your pussy, spreading your wetness all over and making you twitch with pleasure.
âYeah, good girlâŠâ He said softly, and your hips buck at his filthy encouragement.
âFuckâŠâ Your breathing grows heavy. You whimper as he pets you in the dim light of your bedroom. You were both watching him violate your cunt. âJean, please.. Fuck me..â
âMy pace, sweetheart.â He used your slick to slide his middle and ring fingers inside you. He guides them in and out, soft and slow.Â
The room is filled with your pathetic moans and the soft squishing of your cunt gripping his fingers.
Jean canât stop sucking at your neck, biting you, leaving marks all over your skin. You buck your hips against him, fighting the overstimulation and losing poorly as you lose track of how many times you cum.Â
Your clit is throbbing. Itâs soft to his touch, and he adores the flush on your cheeks, and how pretty you look lost in pleasure. He gropes your tits, squeezing them, and running his thumbs over your nipples. You buck your hips again, it was too much.Â
âYou ready?â Jeanâs voice is strained. It was hard to hold back now, he wanted his turn with you.
âYes please,â you whispered.Â
He pulls his cock out, precum oozing from the tip. It was flushed pink, and veiny, and you wanted nothing more than to kiss it.Â
Jean grabbed your hips. He positioned his cock at your opening, tapping it against your clit and relishing the sight.Â
âLook at me, pretty girl,â he whispered roughly.Â
You were so hypnotized by the sight of your reflectionâlegs in the air, your hole perfectly aligned with his member. He teases you with the tip, pumping his shaft with his hands and rubbing it against your cunt. You met Jeanâs eyes in the mirror, the desperation and lust in his expression made you quiver.Â
After the agonizing wait, he finally thrusts into you.Â
Jean sighs at how your cunt flexes around him, hungry for more friction. He holds your waist with both hands and bounces you. You feel him go deeper and gasp. It was so big, and he was so strongâyou loved how he gripped you, how he fucked you.Â
You were so lost in pleasure that you were completely unaware of soaking his sheets. He pumped you up and down on his cock, and you bounced eagerly on top of him, moaning obscenely.
âCome on baby. Drain this fucking dick, come on.â He growled, watching cream dribble down your pussy.Â
You were squeezing him tight, so wet and messy. âM-more, Jean... please..â
âHere,â Jean gently disconnects himself and drags you by the ankles to the edge of the bed.Â
You giggle at his strength, and he shoves you lightly and you fall onto the mattress with your ass in the air.Â
âPerfect fucking view.â He smacks your ass with a moderate sting.
âYeah?â You say coyly, grabbing a pillow to stuff your face into.Â
âOf course. You look good in my jersey,â Jean smiles wistfully as he winds your hair around his knuckles. He puts a hand on your back and you barely have time to take a breath before he sheathes himself inside you again.Â
âOh, shit,â you whine as Jean drills you from behind. He fucks you mercilessly, spanking your ass with resounding smacks. The pain was wonderful and fleeting, and you prayed he wouldnât stop.Â
You felt your cum paint your inner thighs, your clit was throbbing and you tried to rub yourself while he moved behind you. It felt so good to surrender to Jean, to let him split you open. You whine into the pillow and buck your hips. You adore the sound of his ragged breaths as he fucks you.Â
Jeanâs moans are so tender, his pleasure is so real. He loves watching you coat his cock in your juices, the cute little flourish of your lips around him.Â
âSpread it,â he pants. âSpread it for me, baby.âÂ
Your shaky fingers reach for your cunt, and you try your best to spread yourself open while he fucks you. Jean groaned at the display, he wanted to remember the way you look bent over forever.
He fit perfectly inside you, and you felt every vein and every inch of him in your walls. You were dizzy and seeing spots as you drifted in pleasure. You were a little tired, but you didnât want him to stop. It was heaven, the way he thrusted into you, cradling your body and using it.Â
Your eyelids flutter as you fight the weight of them.
Jean pulls out slowly and gently rolls you onto your back. You almost tip over until he supports you again, petting your hair.Â
âYou okay?â Heâs breathing heavily, covered in sweat. His hair is drenched, and he holds your jaw in one hand.
All you could give was a nod as you caught your breath too.Â
âYouâre so cute,â he mumbled, and slipped his thumb into your mouth. You close your eyes and swirl your tongue around it, tasting yourself. âYou wanna keep going?âÂ
You nod again.
âCan I eat your pussy?â He pants desperately, taking his thumb away.Â
âOh,â the surprise escaped you quicker than you could stop it. âIf you want to.â
âY/n,â Jean laughed. âItâll make my fucking night.â
You shed his jersey and he guided you onto your back again.Â
Jean wedged a pillow under your neck and kissed you on the forehead, on both cheeks, on your nose. He kissed down your neck and in between your tits, down your stomach, until his face was positioned in between your legs.Â
You reached down to spread yourself out for him, teasing yourself. The sight drove Jean crazy. He was stroking his cock desperately while you showed him how wet you were, and he leaned forward, resting his nose at the soft valley above your clit.
Jean moaned softly at the perfect taste.
He made out with your pussy like his life depended on it. Jean adored the way the flat of his tongue would make you shudder, how flicking it against your bud would make you cry out.
You pulled at his hair, knuckles white as you rocked back and forth. You tried to keep from crushing him, but Jean practically encouraged it as he darted his tongue in and out of your cunt. The motion made your hips buck and he had to pin you down to keep you from writhing away.Â
Jean bent your knees back till your ass was on full display, round and still red from earlier. He smacked your pussy as he left kisses over his handprints.Â
Your legs were shaking uncontrollably, the heat was overwhelming as your head pounded, and you gave in. Your body spasms as you cum all over Jeanâs mouth. He worshiped your sensitive folds, licking you clean, and wouldnât stop until you came again.Â
#aot fanfiction#jean kirstein smut#jean kirschtein x reader#jean kirschtein smut#aot smut#18+ mdni#attack on titan#aot#jean x reader#jean x you#jean aot#college au#jean kirstein x reader#jean x y/n#aot x reader#attack on titan fanfiction#attack on titan smut
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Anyone but him | Arthur Hill
âSame Building, same friends, zero patience for each other. For now.â
Kirstie stood in front of her mirror, adjusting her hair for the third time. She felt a mix of excitement and anxiety about attending Chrisâs dinner party. After moving into the flat below him, sheâd only heard stories about his friendsâ ArthurTV, and Bach. Chris had promised they were fun, but that didnât ease her nerves. What if they didnât like her? What if she didnât like them?
With a final deep breath, Kirstie grabbed her jacket and made her way upstairs. She knocked on Chrisâs door, and it swung open almost immediately, revealing a beaming Chris.
âYou made it! I was beginning to think Iâd have to come and drag you here myself!â he teased, pulling her into a quick hug.
âThanks for the vote of confidence,â Kirstie replied, rolling her eyes but smiling as she stepped inside.
The flat was warm and inviting, the scent of something delicious wafting from the kitchen. The living room was filled with laughter and casual chatter, and Kirstie felt her heart race as she spotted three guys lounging on the couch.
Chris led her over, gesturing grandly. âThis is Kirstie! Although I feel like I didn't need to say this.â
Bach looked up, a cheeky grin on his face. âYeah you didn't.! Chris wonât stop talking about you. Welcome to the shit show.â
ArthurTV smirked, raising his drink. âIf heâs been hyping you up, you must be something special. Iâm Arthur.â
Bach, sitting cross-legged with a warm smile, nodded in greeting. âPleasure to meet you, Kirstie. Donât mind Chris and ArthurTV; theyâre just jealous Iâm the best-looking one here.â
Kirstie chuckled, feeling her tension ease slightly. âOh really? I'm pretty sure that changed when I came in, but Iâll have to make that judgement for myself,â she quipped back, earning a round of laughter.
âYouâre going to fit right in,â Chris declared, clapping his hands together. âLetâs eat before everything gets cold.â
As they gathered around the dining table, Kirstie found herself seated between ArthurTV and Bach. Chris had gone all out, with a spread that looked as good as it smelled.
âSo, Kirstie,â ArthurTV started, leaning slightly toward her. âWhat games are you streaming these days?â
Kirstie took a sip of her drink, feeling more at ease. âI just started streaming GTA V. Itâs been a wild ride so far. Lots of chaos and swearing and laughing. I Play with Ginge sometimes and I play Fifa every so often too, ill play anything my stream ask me too to be honest, I did a sims challenge during a 24-hour stream, they asked me to make Chris and harry and let them get married, so I did.â
Chris annoyed âyeah and thanks to that I keep getting fan fiction written about itâ
Kirstie impressed with herself âyup and thanks to that I bought my new pcâ
Bach leaned in, a mischievous glint in his eye. â I rate that, Are you a total wild card, or do you play it safe?â
âDepends on my mood,â Kirstie replied with a smirk. âBut Iâd say I enjoy a bit of reckless abandon now and then. I like leaving a game like sims or  on while streaming when I take a stream break and grab a drink or answer a call.â
ArthurTV raised his glass again with a grin. âThatâs what we like to hear! Welcome to the shit show. I can imagine that Ginge is an annoying twat sometimes, though.â
Kirstie laughed, raising her glass to clink with his. âThank you! Heâs one of my favourite people to stream with, though. I try to get him on a stream three or four times a month. We balance each other out, I think.â
Chris groaned, rolling his eyes. âYeah, I know heâd like to âbalance you outâ too.â
Kirstie shot him an unimpressed look. âChris, actually shut the fuck up.â
The group burst into laughter, ArthurTV slapping Chris on the back as he tried to maintain his mock-wounded expression. Kirstie felt her nerves melting away, blending seamlessly into the banter.
As dinner was served, Kirstie found herself surrounded by playful jabs and hilarious stories. She exchanged quips with Bach and ArthurTV, who were both delighted to test her sense of humour. Chris chimed in with a few anecdotes about their friend group that had Kirstie nearly in tears from laughing.
At one point, Chris disappeared into the kitchen to check on dessert, leaving Kirstie and the guys to chat. She noticed Arthurâs name come up in conversation, and her heart raced a little.
âWhatâs Arthur Hill actually like?â Kirstie asked casually, trying to keep her tone light.
âHeâs a bit of a mystery,â ArthurTV replied, a knowing look in his eyes. âTalented musician, but he can be a pain sometimes.â
âYeah, like a lovable pain,â Bach added, rolling his eyes. âHe has his moments.â
âHeâs got this knack for thinking heâs cooler than everyone else,â ArthurTV added with a laugh. âBut deep down, heâs a softie.â
Kirstie felt a strange flutter at the mention of Arthur. Despite their less-than-friendly encounters, she found herself curious about him.
Just then, Chris returned with a tray of desserts, interrupting her thoughts. âAlright, whoâs ready for some sweet treats?â
The laughter and chatter resumed, and Kirstie felt grateful for the warmth of the evening. Maybe fitting in wouldnât be as difficult as she had feared.
--------------------------------
Part 1 - here!
#arthur hill#arthur hill fics#anyonebuthimfic#athurhillmastermind#george clarkey#chrismd#chris dixon
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"Well, if the Keeper was to put up a bit of a fight about it, he'll have his hands full with my sister out there. Hopefully he'll at least work with her so that doesn't happen, because she isn't the greatest at pulling her punches. Then again, if the Keeper has a personality like her, well, I guess a fight is unavoidable." Blitz had seen a lot of time gods, and they sure loved to be in control of things. Made sense given their job.
"Well, I had a feeling you might be tempted to ask if there was something we could do to not have them marry. Figured I'd get it out of the way first." Blitz would take a seat. "I wonder if dream tea still stays after you leave the dream," the fox said before taking a sip.
"Oh, trust me, I know all about divine twins. When I became a primordial all the others were up in arms, well, expect for one. Anyway, they decided to ask Forger to create an opposite for me, just to take me out and take the power I was given back. And they nearly got me to a lot of times." Blitz then looked off to the side seeming to think before looking at Sol and leaning forward slightly.
"They said I only had one choice, end them and each one who holds their power next. Though I knew that would only start a cycle, one that wouldn't end. So, I made a different choice. I let them get back up, watched them recover, and we just kept going at it. Fought for six months, and made he realize there was another choice, to exist together."
"Because if there's one thing I learned about fate, is that it can bite me. Sometimes, we have to make our own branch. I won't say we get along, though we don't try to kill each other. We keep the balance in the universe, just in our own ways. That said, it's easier to find a balance when it's broken. Wish I could give you an easy solution where everyone walks away happy." Blitz doubts his story would even help, though never hurts to share in this situation.
The fox then looked at the orb, chuckling a bit. "Sorry, not finding your offer funny. I just have a bit of a better way." He would pull out a seed from his pocket, holding it out for Sol to take. "A primordial seed. Plant it, and you'll always be able to contact me and I you. Besides, it's a bit safer than me carrying something I could lose. I get in a LOT of fights. As for the Keeper, I think I'll let my sister handle that. By now she should've gotten the ticket I made. Can't have something with a small amount of my energy around."
Sol wasn't a fool, she'd lived long enough to see stars born and blink out of existence. She knew any change to a timeline could ripple along the sands of time creating a great wave that could shatter reality. It was why only gods of time were ever allowed to manipulate time in any capacity. She knew the care taker would see that nothing was damaged or changed to drastically. It was his duty to oversee time until such time as the keeper returned. Still she knew that this would happy the moment Poppy decided to bind herself with that Flora girl. But it made her happy, and that lone made Sol happy.
" The Keeper of Time's assistant is the only one who can truly facilitate any alterations to the time stream. With the Great Keeper missing, he is all that maintains the great clock. His realm is not easily accessed however. "
She only smiled as she poured them both a cup of tea and nestle down onto a great chair. Her smile as bright as the sun, there was naught but joy in her smile when speaking of her daughter.
" Talk my daughter out of her notion of marriage? I doubt i could or you or anyone else. She is quite smitten by Poppy, though i hope she does not grow to regret this choice. She has all to often rushed into love without thinking... but i suppose that is the mortal part of her... "
She glanced to one side her eyes looking softer still as the conversation shifted to her cycle. Her inevitable death, and the ascension of her daughter. It wasn't sadness at her own passing but of the trials that yet awaited her daughter. She knew every goddess faced there own troubles and Blazes she feared might be the greatest yet.
" I understand what you intend and i do appreciate the kind sentiment. But i must decline the offer, there are reasons i am locked away as i am... "
She spoke with a somber tone as her eyes looked out her window toward what appeared to be a great darkness in the distance. As if it threatened to consume her dream and yet the bright light kept that darkness at bay.
" You must have guessed by now that i did not lock myself away out of simple paranoia. Or to avoid the war, the truth is... every divine being has there twin. A divine opposite, whose power is equal to there own. In my case... we are eternally bound together... two halves of the equation. If i were to wake so to would he... and his darkness would consume all of Sol... so i must remain, until the fated time arrives... "
The dark truth revealed, a truth not even the priests of Sol knew. That the darkness that nearly consumed all of Sol during the cataclysm was her dark sibling. Together they were life and death two halves of the coin. She could not wake without also waking them, and so to protect Sol--- She remains in her slumber eternally.
To his final question she looked conflicted as if she was unsure if Blaze was ready for such power. Ready to take on this mantle, and to assume the role of guardian. To keep the darkness in check, to become its warden.
" Blaze is far from ready to face the trials of Ascension. But make no mistake... she's far more powerful then she knows. I have confidence that my little flame will be ready when the time comes. until then i shall be there in her dreams to console her as best i can. "
She created a little orb in her hand, a well of knowledge a simple way for gods to pass on information. She offered it to Blitz with a humble smile as she held it toward him.
" The location of the great clock... you will still have to convince the Caretaker of your plight... and do be careful. Not all gods in Sol are as kindly as Morpheus and myself. There are those who will see your presence here as a threat... "
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#i was curious bc i'm pretty sure my relatives from my mom's side have literally never interacted with the one's from my father's side#like sometimes i think about if i were to get married and i had to invite both sides of my family it would be so weird#but also for my family there's the issue of language barrier and racism so i don't know if it's different for other people#simone says
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#was on a call with this man today who's got 10 years on me#somehow he ended up asking me if Iâd been In relationships before and I was straight up about it#then I ask bim the same and he proceeds to tell me of all the haram heâd get up to but is now looking for something serious#so Iâm like idk why you needed to tell me all that but okayâŠ#do you know what he said next????? that my voice sounds like I have a sexy body#!!!!!!#and he kept asking for my weight and body proportions đ€ą#I donât understand wtf runs thru mens heads sometimes#but my stomach was churning#such a shame coz the convo was going good and we were talking for 1.5hrs and he also had a French accent which was attractive#but ofc he just had to ruin it đ„Č#and also not to mention I was on speakers and his friend was in the background FILLING in words for him in the conversation#like excuse me?#you'd think 32+ years would be more respectful and serious but nope#sigh#I think Iâm better off marrying a potato at this rate
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read the scratch upd8. little too close to home
#tw vent#in tags at least#when i was reading hs like 3 ish years ago i related a lot to vriska and terezi cause i was in what i think was a really destructive#friendship qpp thing with my best friend online and a boy who liked both of us but mostly her.i was incredibly isolated irl as was my friend#and all my other online friends. i really should have seen that something bad could happen but i didnt and i got into a really deep#depression for like 3 months after but. my dearest friend girl decided to start befriending a 30 yo man and i. like an idiot. followed her#like a lovesick puppy even though all the warning bells were going off. we were in a gc with him that we texted in at all times of the day &#night and we shared selfies and dreams and our daily problems with isolation or hw or whatever. he got more and more creepy and my dearest#friend lashed out at him because she was scared while i sort of stopped talking as much because i was scared but. he still talked to me lots#in dms. he talked shit about the authority figures in our lives and isolated us from our ither online friends he made creepy picrews of me &#my friend getting married and he talked about moving in with us one day. we blocked him but sometimes he still tries to contact me. after it#blew up my friend left me and discord which is probably best and after my depression time i eventually got an irl friend or two but. i never#got over it. he did it to other people too we found out later. he always complimented me on being so sharp and talented and it was nice caus#it was really my first compliment from an adult who wasnt my family and. ig it got to my 14 yo head. anyways. the update made me cry. i had#read that it was bad and knew it would be bad for me specifically cause doc scratch always reminds me of that time in my life but. i didnt#think it would be that bad. i dont blame hs2 creators or anyone else and ig im glad i braved the storm but it was really painful to read#gonna go watch a more light hearted thing now.#if anyone sees this dw ill get over it#anyways. believe the warnings this update is very triggering and you can skip it if you want#glad i have like 5 followers rip
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when i was seven and our trailer burned down, i thought about leaving my father there, grabbing my brother, and getting us the hell out
i didn't. i ended up waking our father and we all ended up at the neighbors' house
but i should have
i fucking should have
because the minute he had a chance to be alone with me (after we got to my grandma's trailer) guess what he did! shortly after our fucking HOME burned down and the firefighters gave my brother and i teddy bears and wrapped blankets around us for shock!!!!!! fucking christ i hate our father more than anyone on this earth
#haha :) feeling normal abt this!#all i cared about was my brother being safe. thats all. i still remember holding his hand and walking him to the neighbours house#i couldnt see because i left my glasses in the trailer. they put on the little mermaid cartoon for us. i even remember what episode it was#but i genuinely considered leaving my father there and honestly that scares me#honestly i was afraid to wake him up bc i didnt want him to get mad at me. if he got mad at me i would always suffer for it later#milo murmurs#fun fact we lived w someone & his son and his son ended up becoming my cousin when his mom married my uncle#i am so so glad neither or them were home that night#he was so young. im several years older than him & he was so little that he doesnt even remember we lived together#csa vent#tw csa vent#csa tw#also feeling fucked up abt the fact that my father wld put his cigarettes out on me when he was pissed#sometimes i wonder if the fire started because he was smoking smth and passed out while doing it but my brother slept in his room#i feel like they wouldve been much more worse off if the fire started in their room#anyway im pretty sure that the fire was set intentionally bc he had some ties to the wrong ppl#and either they didnt know me & my brother were also there and were only going after our father or they didnt care we were there#to this day even bonfires make me nervous if i can only smell them & cant see them. i hate smelling smth burning & panicking#we live in the country now so its very common for ppl to burn leaves and wood and what have you. its still scary sometimes#i think abt this a lot actually bc any fire still makes me lowkey nervous. less so if i know where/what its coming from but still nervous
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You know the Riverside Shakespeare 1973 was not a comfortable book to read sitting on your lap or lying down in bed but the RSC Complete Works Second Edition 2022 is noticeably worse. The difference in size isn't very significant; the RSC uses a different kind of paper but I'm not sure it's even thinner (they're both very thin, somewhat see-through paper) (not because they're cheap, but because it's more practical, considering these are unwieldy tomes exceeding 2000 pages). But since the RSC doesn't have double-column text on the pages like most Complete Works do, the extra margin space given requires somewhat more pages for the text. I'm not gonna check exactly (these are searchable though), but if the Riverside is about 2000 pages, then the RSC is about 2500. You'd think I had managed enough comfort with the Riverside over the years that the adjustment wouldn't be that terrible. No, it's terrible.
#it's so uncomfortable to read a scene that lasts more than two pages#bc i always have to adjust my position about every two pages#depends how im starting w#there's no comfortable position there's just a least uncomfortable position and it's still quite painful#i very much dont have a desk or any surface i usually read on#best i do is the kitchen table. sometimes#a coffee table is too low to be not a pain in the neck (literally)#it's not a big improvement to laying it in my lap#tales from diana#anyway unrelated but i read the first 2 acts of king john last night#and when i went to bed i was thinking a lot about my impressions of the play#bc i had read a lot about it before actually reading it. and of course#i do find the nonfictional historical Bad King John and the other angevin kings just interesting#so i had/have high expectations for this play#and i dreamt that i finished it and it just sucked#it had a happy ending bc where i left off awake was blanche and louis the dauphin getting married#and it was like. pro-john propaganda#so hilarious bc i can't. i can't picture it. john might be the least popular english king of them all#bloody mary and richard iii and charles i and henry viii i have scene serious defenses for#(some more valid than others but im just grouping them bc theyre all controversial in history)#ive never seen a serious defense or justification of john other than well maybe richard lionheart was just too popular#lol. but to be fair if i were the favorite son of henry ii i would probably be a tyrannical narcissist as well#that's it that's the best defense i can make for john
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"creature of myth."
pairing: vampire!gojo x fem!human!reader summary: when you receive an offer of marriage from a mysterious wealthy lord, itâs too good a deal for your family to turn down. but nothing could be so perfect... right? content: MDNI (18+Â ONLY), dark content, nsfw, gets dubcon/noncon in some spots, yandere behavior from gojo, implied death/k*lling of a character (not reader or gojo), arranged marriage, victorian au, plot that ends with porn lmao, spooky dooky vibes, blood, blood sucking/eating, praise, biting, unprotected sex, creampie, virgin!reader, discussion of virginity, cherry popping, pain, pet names (princess/love), reader is highkey clueless about sex, discussion of masturbation, ideas of masturbation as âsinfulâ, very minor religious themes, fated âmatesâ, gojo is highkey insane, coercion and manipulation, like SO much neck kissing, ooc gojo??? (had to alter his character to match a victorian vampire lord LMAO). a/n: PLEASE READ THE CONTENT WARNINGS. THERE IS DARK CONTENT AHEAD. is this a gojo fic or a twilight fic?? Going back to my roots fr fr. straight down to the âSAY IT, SAY ITâ. this fic is also way too long my apologies bbs. i hope you like a hefty side of plot with your porn. parts of this fic feel way too cheesy to me but sometimes i eat that up, yk?? this fic was inspired by this amazing work by @rice5x ! and, finally, thank you all for the support on my most recent fics. i'm just getting back into being active on this blog and it's been amazing reading each and every comment/reblog/ask. they genuinely fill me with so much joy. keep them coming hehe. anyway, i hope you enjoy and remember, ALL AGELESS BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED. credits: dividers by @cafekitsune. banner art by @ndsoda on twitter. wc: 11.6k (sowwy)
You remember perfectly the way your motherâs jaw dropped when Satoru Gojo proposed to you. Youâd never seen the man, and you still hadnât. Heâd asked to marry you via messenger, a simple letter delivered by hand with a list of all the things heâd be willing to pay for your hand. Offers of money, land, protection, connection- anything so long as he got you. Youâd thought it was a joke. Your father nearly took a shovel to the head of the poor messenger, thinking the letter was some kind of cruel prank, some sort of targeted disrespect. Youâd only started to believe when you really looked- saw the Gojo crest embroidered on the manâs suit, the fine leather of his boots. If it was a prank, somebody had spent a great deal of money and effort to pull it off.Â
Youâd asked for proof nonetheless, and youâd gotten it. Documents signed and sealed with a well-known waxen crest, gifts that could only have been purchased by a wealthy lord. The one thing you never got was the lord himself. He refused to see you, to come down from his mysterious castle on the hill. It didnât surprise you. He rarely deemed town worthy of his presence. He had a reputation as a recluse, as a man who only ever liked to see and never be seen. What little glimpses people got of him were usually through the dark window of his carriage. Still, his appearance preceded him. White hair, light eyes⊠âhauntingâ said those who had the luck to see him. Those who went to work for the lord tended to return⊠changedâ if they returned at all.Â
You accepted, of course. How could you not? You were a peasant family with no status or wealth to your name. The promises Lord Gojo had made would make your parents into aristocrats all on their own. But that left you wondering⊠why did he want you? You offered him no benefit. If anything, you sullied his bloodline. The question scratched at the back of your mind. It came to you while you ate breakfast, while you washed your clothes, while you weeded in the garden. Some part of you told you that you needed the answer before you ever stepped foot in that castle. You needed that answer, but youâd never get it.Â
Your wedding wasnât even a wedding- just a piece of paper that had already been signed and witnessed, once again delivered by a familiar messenger. You signed at your dining room table and⊠that was that. You were married.Â
Later that night the carriages arrive. Men flood your home, all dressed in blue velvet, the Gojo crest embroidered on their chests. They seem puzzled when you tell them youâve packed all your belongings into a measly three bags.Â
You say a quick goodbye to your parents, drawing them into stiff embraces. You love them, and they love you, but you canât bear to see their faces as they send you away to a man who couldnât even show his face for your wedding.Â
The carriage ride is somehow longer than youâd thought it would be- apparently, the castleâs size makes it seem deceptively close. The trip is rocky and twisty and altogether unpleasant as you steadily make your way toward the castle gates. By the time you reach them you think youâve probably dozed in and out of consciousness at least half a dozen times.Â
The castle is even more intimidating up close. Spires that swirl into the clouds, sculptures that stare, doors that look more suited to being locked than opened. Itâs⊠terrifying.Â
When you finally roll to a stop, you move for the door. When you swing it open you get your fair share of strange looks from your attendants and remember that you should have waited for the footman. Your face heats as you climb out anyway, unwilling to subject yourself to the further humiliation of waiting for assistance.Â
Your feet hit gravel and all you can do is stare- up, up, up, to where the castleâs peaks disappear into the fog. When your eye flashes to a window on the east side of the manor you think you see a swaying curtain. You tuck your arms around yourself and shiver, but itâs not from the cold.Â
You nearly stumble over your feet on your first step inside. The entrance hall is larger than your former house, with ceilings that stretch so high you can hardly make out the figures on the frescoes that adorn it. Silver and blue drape everywhere, the Gojo family colors. You swallow when you see a chair that is most definitely worth more than your familyâs annual income.Â
The floors are marble and when your worn heels clack against it, you only feel reminded that you donât belong here. That question pricks in your mind again as you pass portraits of every Gojo heir to have lived in the last three hundred years. Why me? Why me? Why me?Â
Your footman deposits you in your room, a place more lavish than youâve ever seen. You have a four poster bed with a canopy of blue velvet, a window that overlooks a sprawling estate, and more square footage than youâve ever dreamed of.Â
âPull this if you need any sort of assistance, maâam.âÂ
You turn to see your footman referencing a silver cord at your bedside. You assume itâs one of those contraptions that rings a bell in the servantsâ quarters. You try to hide your amazement- youâve never seen one in real life before.Â
You clear your throat and give your most ladylike nod. âThank you, um-â you pause, your brow furrowing. âIâm sorry, I donât think I asked your name.âÂ
Your footman appears stunned to silence, like heâd never expected you to care about his existence, much less his name. He recovers quickly, though, and forces a small smile. âThomas, maâam.â
You smile and itâs genuine. âThank you, Thomas.âHe bows and makes a beeline for the door, but you have one more question. âOh, um, Thomas-â He freezes, turning slowly on his heel to face you.Â
âYes, my lady?âÂ
You cringe at the title. The sound of it creeps across your skin, foreign and⊠wrong. Why me? Why me? Why me?
You clear your throat again. âDo you know, um, well-â You shift, trying to word your question properly. âDo you know when I might see the Lord?âÂ
There is a pause, a moment of tension and silence, and then an answer. âNo, my lady.â
Thomas does not stick around for more questioning. The door clicks shut behind him and then you're left with only the sound of retreating footsteps.Â
Youâre stunned to say the least, mouth still halfway open, more questions on the tip of your tongue. Should you seek him out? Was that proper? Would he come to you? Would he meet you for dinner, perhaps? Surely he would come to your room tonight to⊠consummate. Would that be the first time you lay eyes on him? When heâs over you?Â
You sigh. Thereâs nothing much to be done about it now. You find your way to the bed and sit down hesitantly. It feels like a crime to rumple such primped and polished cotton. You do it anyway- itâs going to happen sometime, right? You fall back against the mattress and donât fail to notice how utterly comfortable it is. The silvery patterns on your canopy swirl and bend together. Youâre tired. You didnât sleep much last night, anxious for the morning⊠and itâs only mid-afternoon now. You had time for a nap, right? Your eyes are closing before you can convince yourself itâs a bad idea and then youâre swept away into a world of warm darkness.Â
You wake with a start. Your first thought is that itâs dark now. Your room is pitch black except for the stream of moonlight passing through your stupidly large window. Your mouth feels dry and your skin is cold, like youâve just woken from a nightmare. If you have, you donât remember it. Perhaps thatâs a blessing.Â
You sit up, combing a finger through your hair and laughing pitifully when you realize that you left your shoes on as you slept. You hope Thomas didnât walk in to find you in yet another unladylike position. A glance at the foot of the bed reveals he might have. Your bags have arrived- all three of them. You eye them with a combination of longing and contempt. They don't match this place. Theyâre worn and used- everything here is shiny and new. Still, theyâre all you have, and all you have left of your life before. All you have left of home.Â
You stretch your arms above your head, nearly groaning at the burn in your muscles. The carriage ride did your body no favors and you suspect youâll be sore for many days to come.Â
You rise, no longer content to lie in bed. Youâve had your rest and, from the state of darkness outside, you suspect your new husband might be joining you soon. The thought twists a certain tightness into your gut, but you push it aside. If that was the price you paid for all he gave your family⊠then youâd pay it gladly.Â
You start with candles, finding a box of matches at your bedside. You light every candelabra you can find. The room, the castle, seems so perpetually⊠black- like it soaks up every ray of light it touches. Even when youâve finished it doesnât feel like enough. You make a note to ask Thomas for more in the morning.Â
You find a meal, carefully prepared and preserved, on a table near your dresser. Judging by the fact that itâs still warm, you conclude that it canât be much past mid-evening. You originally intend to pick at the food as you unpack, but one bite has your mouth watering. It is the most delicious thing to ever touch your lips, complete with dessert waiting on the side. You clean your plate before moving onto your bags.Â
You lay your clothes out on the bed. A few dresses, riding pants, undergarments, an assortment of ribbons and bows. At one time these items had been the finest things you owned- now you owned a castle.Â
You find an armoire that looks like a master sculptor carved its edges and grab a dress, intending to hang it. Instead, your dress hits the floor when you part the doors to find the hangers already full. Your lips part. Luxury dresses of silk and satin line the rack, fading into some that appear more casual outfits of cotton and linen. You stretch a hand out, curious and utterly⊠amazed. To think your new husband had gone to all the effort⊠Your hand brushes purple silk and-Â
âDo you like them?âÂ
You screech, jumping to face the voice at your back. It takes a moment for your eyes to find him, leaning casually against one post of your bed. Your breath is stolen for a second time. Snow white hair, piercingly blue eyes, pale soft skin⊠you know who he is even without looking at his dress, at the air of authority he claims. Heâs your husband⊠and he is the most devastatingly beautiful thing youâve ever seen.Â
He laughs, then, and itâs a warmer sound than youâd thought it would be- rich and full. A sound that seeps into your bones and settles in your soul.Â
âSorry. Didnât mean to scare you,â he says, but the twinkle in his eyes makes you think that perhaps thatâs a lie.Â
Your heart pounds and your eyes flash to the door. Itâs shut. You didnât hear it open, nor did you hear it close behind him. You also didnât hear footsteps, didnât hear breaths, didnât hear him.Â
He follows your gaze and laughs again, though it sounds a bit⊠strained?Â
âI have a habit of being unintentionally lightfooted. I apologize.âÂ
Your heart is still pounding but you find it in yourself to have some decorum. You snap your jaw shut and bow your head slightly in respect. âYou must be Lord Gojo. Forgive me for my insolence.âÂ
Thereâs a beat, and then footstepsâ ones you actually hear this time. You clench your jaw when he stops before you and then nearly gasp when he takes your hand and brings it to his lips.Â
âSatoru, please,â he winks and you think you might stop breathing. âI am your husband after all.âÂ
You force yourself to nod, to swallow, to act normal. But how can you in the presence of a man that looks like⊠that? Thereâs something too unreal about him, too perfect. Itâs almost⊠unsettling.Â
âOf course⊠Satoru.âÂ
He straightens and shows you a close-lipped smile that digs a dimple into his left cheek. You have to look away to avoid stumbling over your own feet.Â
âSo, do you like them?â Your brows furrow- âThe dresses,â he clarifies.Â
âO-oh.â Your features relax into an easy smile. You turn back to your armoire, running a hand along another gown. You donât think youâve ever touched something so⊠finely made. âI like them very much. I donât know how to thank you.âÂ
Thereâs a little chuckle as you turn to face him again and you have to steel yourself before you meet his eyes. Heâs mesmerizing, too mesmerizing. You think you could probably lose yourself in those eyes foreverâŠÂ
âNo need to thank me. If they donât fit, weâll call for the seamstress in the morning.âÂ
You nod softly, still lost to the situation. Thereâs a beat of silence in which your husband does nothing but⊠look at you. His eyes roam freely and the hair on your arms stands under his gaze. He traces the lines of your nose and jaw and lingers on your pulse. Can he see just how fast your heart is pounding?
âDid you⊠get dinner?â Itâs a stupid question, you know, but you donât think you can bear another second of that look heâs giving you. âI fell asleep and found a plate. I hope I didnât prevent a proper mealâŠâ You trail off. Perhaps you shouldnât have pointed out your own shortcoming?Â
He gives you another smile and you swear he inches just a little closer. âYou did no such thing. Iâm⊠perfectly satisfied.âÂ
You nod, glad that he doesnât seem upset at the very least. Your lips press together, unsure of what to do or say. Youâve never had a husband before. Wasnât he supposed to just sort of⊠put you on the bed and⊠do it?
Your eyes flit to said bed and your husband must see because he hurries to continue.Â
âWell, Iâll see you in the morning then, hm?â His eyes flit to your armoire and back again. âWear the blue dress with the lace to breakfast, yeah? Been dying to see it on you.â He chuckles like heâs just told some sort of amusing joke.
Your brows furrow. That was⊠not the topic youâd been expecting. âYouâre notâŠâ You feel your cheeks heat and tighten your jaw. âNot staying the night?âÂ
His lashes lower a fraction and those eyes pierce you again. You donât think you could move even if you wanted to, even with him prowling closer, each step eating up the space between you. He doesnât stop until youâre nose to nose and you can feel his breath fanning over your cheeks. Itâs cold somehow, chilling, and you shiver. He smirks.Â
âNot tonight.âÂ
His head dips and for a moment you think heâs going to kiss you, but then heâs bypassing your mouth altogether and- his lips connect to your pulse. His mouth is cool, just like his breath, and you shiver uncontrollably under his touch.Â
His touch is just a fleeting moment, just a wrinkle in time, and then heâs gone. His footsteps are quiet brushes on the hardwood and the creak of the door even seems tamed in his presence.Â
âGoodnight,â is all he says, and then heâs gone.Â
You climb into your bed an hour later wondering what in the world just happened.Â
~Â Â
You do wear the blue dress to breakfast and you can only gape in the mirror when you realize that it fits perfectly. It has you second-guessing yourself. Had you sent your measurements in advance and forgotten about it? No, youâd only sent a handful of pieces of information to the Lord prior to your marriage and you remembered all of them very clearly. Everything had gone through a messenger, everything had been clear and directâ you would have remembered sending your measurementsâ you didnât. So had he just⊠guessed?Â
That seemed impossible with how everything fit you like a glove, but it was the only explanation you had. The only one that made sense.Â
When you join Satoru for breakfast itâs in a sitting room as lavishly decorated as the rest of the castle, but perhaps organized to be a bit more⊠liveable. He has no plate in front of him, only a tin cup that hides the contents of whatever heâs drinking. You assume coffee or juice. Perhaps heâs just not a breakfast person.Â
âIt fits!â he says. His hands clasp together in front of him and he smiles again, dimples and all.Â
You nod and fight the heat that bubbles beneath your cheeks as you take your seat. âYes, perfectly.â
A plate is set before you and a glance up reveals itâs Thomas serving your breakfast. You smile, hoping for some acknowledgement from him, for a small piece of comfort. Instead, you get his averted gaze and quick retreat. Your brows furrow, but before you can say anything, Satoru is back to speaking.Â
âI hope Thomas treated you well yesterday?âÂ
You glance up, but Satoruâs eyes arenât on you, theyâre on your footman. His smile is bright, but itâs anything but friendly. You fight a shiver.Â
You glance at Thomas. Heâs perfectly still, perfectly straight, but you think you see a muscle clench in his jaw. You clear your throat. âY-Yes. Thomas was very helpful.â When Satoru keeps staring the boy down you add, â-and very respectful.âÂ
That seems to satisfy. Satoru breaks his stare and some of the tension in the air instantly eases. He shoots you another dimpled smile, this one with a little more warmth. âPerfect.âÂ
Thereâs a beat and then heâs standing, draining whatever he has in his cup and then straightening his jacket. âWell, I have some work to do. Iâll see you for dinner?â Heâs grinning again, like itâs so normal for a man to abandon his bride on their wedding night and then again the morning after. All you can do is nod. He chuckles. âSee you then, princess.â And then heâs gone.
~
If this is to be your life you don't know how you will survive it. You spend the day milling about. Through the gardens, through the castle, through the stables. Thomas is never far behind, but any attempt at conversation is nipped in the bud by hit shortness. Itâs like he fears coming too close. Heâs never closer than a couple paces except when he has to bring you something, only to retreat again as soon as possible. The other servants barely pay you any mind apart from giving you a respectful greeting and then immediately averting their eyes. There is no work to be done, no guests to be had, no parties to plan⊠and no Satoru. You donât see your husband once on tour around the grounds. You ask Thomas where his office is only for him to vaguely point out a window in the east tower. You donât see so much as a ripple in the curtains.Â
Dinner comes around at the pace of a snail. When itâs finally time to get dressed a ladyâs maid whose name you donât even catch arrives to help you lace your dress. As soon as your corset is deemed tight enough sheâs back out the door with a curtsy. Thomas leads you to the dining room and your eyes roam the whole way. Even after having spent the whole day exploring, there are halls and corridors that youâve yet to step foot in.Â
The dining room is just as gorgeous as the rest of the placeâ filled with singular items that could feed entire families for years. Somehow, you think youâve already grown accustomed to such things, since the only thing you truly care to look at is your husband. Satoruâs already seated, but he stands when you enter, looping around the table to pull a chair out for you.Â
You give him your most genuine smile, accepting a kiss to your knuckles in greeting before you settle. âHow was your day?â you ask as he takes his seat again.Â
He chuckles. âPerfectly fine. And how was yours, princess?â Your nose crinkles. Thatâs the second time heâs called you that. Something about it feels wrong. Youâre still getting used to being a lady. Princess feels even worse.Â
âIt was⊠good.â
You watch a perfect white brow arch in the candlelight. âOh? Just good?â You donât miss the way his eyes flicker to the cornerâ to Thomas.Â
You hurry to elaborate. âWell, I justâ I canât help but feel as if thereâs not much⊠use for me.â Servants flood in, some carrying wine, others carrying trays that hold more food than the both of you could ever possibly consume.Â
That brow arches impossibly higher. âUse?â His lips crack into that smile again, but itâs tight this time. Too tight. âYou have no use. You only enjoy yourself. Surely Thomas has told you that.âÂ
A plate of steaming food plops in front of you. Even its heavenly smell canât quell the sudden dread in your gut. âOf course! Of course he did.â Your stomach twists and you decide that perhaps now is not the time to press the subject. âIâll just⊠Iâll try riding tomorrow.â You hate riding, but itâs the first thing that comes to mind.Â
Satoruâs smile thaws into something less menacing. âIâm sure youâll enjoy that.âÂ
You nod eagerly. âIâm sure I will.âÂ
You grab your fork, eager for a new subject. From what you can tell, dinner is roast chicken and vegetables, though itâs the luxury version as everything seems to be. The spices are intoxicating and the green beans are even arranged in a pretty little pattern that makes them look too good to eat. You do anyway. The first bite nearly makes you moan, but you chew slowly, delicately, trying not to let your upbringing show.
Itâs not until several bites later that you realize youâre the only one eating. A quick glance reveals your husband has no platter, no chicken or green beans. Heâs only⊠watching you. You clear your throat, dabbing at your lips with a napkin.Â
âYouâre not⊠eating?â
That permanent smile grows a little wider and you canât help but feel as if thereâs something⊠menacing about it. âAte before I came.âÂ
Your brows furrow. âOh. Were you on the road?âÂ
You think you see something wild flash in his eyes. âNo.âÂ
The rest of dinner passes slowly, almost painfully. Satoru doesnât eat a bite, doesnât even look enticed. You wonder how thatâs possible when it smells like a spice bomb went off in the dining room.Â
By the time youâve cleared your plate youâve discussed everything from the number of horses in the stables to kinds of crops grown on the estate. Itâs comforting to know a little more about your new home, but itâs not enough.Â
âIs there a library?â you ask. Youâre on dessert now. Itâs the best chocolate cake youâve ever had and it takes everything in you to hold back a moan each time it touches your tongue.Â
âOf course.â Your husbandâs eyes flicker to Thomas again and youâre honestly starting to fear for the poor footmanâs life. Everytime you ask a question itâs like Satoru is angry it hasnât already been answered. âItâs yours to use as you please.âÂ
You smile lightly. âPerfect. Thank you.âÂ
He softens a bit at that. âIs there anything specific you wanted to read about?âÂ
You shrug. âThe estate, I suppose. I should know my homeâs history, no?â
His eyes get that wild look again, that sparkle that you know speaks to nothing good. âOh, absolutely. I have some personal favorites to recommend. Iâll leave them aside for you?âÂ
You swallow and give him a shallow nod. âThat would be perfect. Thank you.âÂ
He chuckles. âMy pleasure.âÂ
When dessert is finally over, you stand slowly. Satoruâs not far behind you, saying heâll walk you to your room. Your heart leaps at his words. Will he stay with you tonight?Â
He offers you his arm in the hall and your mouth runs dry when you feel the corded muscle beneath his jacket. By the time you reach your room, youâre thinking of tugging him in behind you. His denial to stay with you last night was not only confusing, but⊠off putting. Nearly offensive. Did he not like how you looked? Did he think something was wrong with you?Â
You muster all the courage you possess and force your lips apart. âWill you stay with me tonight?âÂ
His eyes spark again and you hold your breath. He presses closer. This is it, you think. His lips hover over yours, eyes glimmering in the candlelight. And then he dips his head, his mouth pressing to your pulse.Â
âNot tonight,â he whispersâ and then heâs gone.Â
~
You wake suddenly. Itâs the middle of the night, you gather. The light streaming through the window is weak enough to only be that of the moon.Â
Your heart is pounding and your skin is slick with sweat despite the chill in your bones. A nightmare, you think. It must have been a nightmare.Â
As you settle back into your sheets you swear you see a ripple in the darkness. You close your eyes. If your nightmare is real, youâd rather not see it coming.
~
The library is huge. Itâs sprawling and smells of paper and leather and everytime Thomas lights a candle you flinch at the idea that one misplaced spark could end thousands of years of knowledge.Â
The books Satoru left you are⊠perfect. Just what you were looking for. Theyâre all comprehensive volumes of the history of the estate, many of which reference each other. Youâre stunned to see that several are written by very well-known authors of both the past and the present. You knew the Gojo familyâs influence reached far, but not that far. You peruse the titles. The Gojos: A History, A History of the Gojo Crest, History of the Gojo Castle, Revisiting the Gojo Family: A Comprehensive History. Altogether you have well over a few thousand pages of informationâ but thereâs one book that doesnât fit with the rest. Itâs relatively unassuming. A black cover with some sort of gold rune etched onto its front. When you flip to the title page it reads âCreatures of Myth and Where To Find Themâ. Your brows furrow. You slide it to the sideâ must have gotten mixed in with the others, you think.
~
You ask Thomas to bring the books to your room. He does. Very respectfully. He sets them on your bedside table and then retreats like a kicked puppy with only a polite goodbye. You sigh. His behavior has only gotten stranger in the past few days. You think the servantsâ coldness must have something to do with Satoru, but you canât figure out why. Had he ordered them to stay away? Why would he?Â
You decide itâs a question for another day and dive into your books. You spend hours, days, reading every chapter, page, and word. The pure amount of information is dizzying. Apparently this specific estate had been in the hands of the Gojo family since the eighth century (with several razings and consequential rebuilds). You also learn that Satoru was not only the most wealthy lord on the continent, but the most wealthy man. Even wealthier than the king apparently, though that fact was kept fairly under wraps to protect the crownâs ego. The estimates of your husbandâs net worth made your head spin.
Satoru joins you for breakfast and dinner every day. You never see him eat a morsel. Itâs⊠unsettling to say the least. Itâs always just that tin cup, filled with something you could never quite see. You develop a pattern of waking in the night, too, with the overwhelming sense that something is watching you. Sometimes you could swear you feel the bed shift as you jerk awake. Each time you simply close your eyes and try your best to slow your heart, convinced your mind is playing tricks on you.Â
Your days feel a little more productive with a book in your hands, but youâve read them all three times over by the time a fortnight has passed. You find yourself packing them up to return to Thomas when a certain black cover catches your attention. You grab it from the pile and settle back into your seat. Youâve nothing better to do, right?Â
You flip back the cover, revealing a familiar title. âCreatures of Myth and Where to Find Themâ. You donât recognize the authorâs name. A quick scroll through the table of contents reveals nothing particularly interesting, but you pick a random chapter on ghouls and decide to start there.Â
Itâs fascinating. Nothing about the style is boring and the words fly by. Your silly little myth book is a page turner. By the time you notice the light has started dying youâve read about ghosts, fairies, werewolves, and goblinsâ all of which have been a delightful little read. A glance at the clock reveals you have a half hour before dinner. One more chapter, you think. Your eyes skim the title. âVampires [Vampyr]â.Â
You skim the first paragraphs until your eyes settle on a line that catches your eye.Â
âContrary to popular belief, vampires are not always crazed blood-hungry monsters. Many live among humans quite comfortably and are able to avoid detection with a little well-placed effort.âÂ
You purse your lips. What a⊠terrifying thought. You skim a little further.Â
âA vampireâs key characteristic is, of course, their desire and need to drink human blood as sustenance. However, a vampire can be spotted sooner if one is able to recognize their subtler traits. Vampires often have skin lacking any sort of flush. The lack of blood in their veins results in a sickly pallor, even after the most rigorous exercise. Their skin is also noticeably cold to the touch. At best, a vampireâs body will reach room temperature. Vampires can also be noted for their preternatural beauty. They will stand out as the most attractive person in any crowd. Finally, a vampire will have fangs. If one wishes to identify a vampire, one only needs a good look at their teethâ.
A chill settles over your skin. You flip ahead a few pages.Â
âVampires are unable to consume typical human food. Should they attempt to, their bodies will immediately reject any and all foreign substances.âÂ
Your stomach drops. You donât want to think about why. You skip the rest of the paragraph.Â
âVampires possess several supernatural abilities that set them apart as a humanâs predator rather than their equal. Vampires are known to move unnaturally fast and are notably light footed. If a vampire does not wish to be heard, they will not be. A vampireâs strength is inhuman, well over ten times that of the average man. They also have a penchant for darkness, an ability to hide away in the shadows that cannot be explained. Oftentimes they will seem to appear from thin air.â
You skip ahead again.
âVampires have been known to take mates. Mates usually come in the form of another vampire, but in some cases a human has been chosen. Vampires are fiercely protective of their mates, bordering on obsession. Any person deemed a threat to their bond or their mateâs safety is usually disposed of quickly. Oftentimes, vampires make these decisions with haste, with little regard for whether or not the threat was real. A vampire will do everything in their power to please their mate, but have been known to forcibly restrain their mates in situations of unrequited feelings. Above all else, vampires wish to possess their mates. Two bonded vampires will sometimes spiral into gloriously destructive fits in their endless desire to protect and possess one another. A vampire bonded to a human will show an increasingly protective nature, often isolating their mate from others.â
Your heart pounds. A bead of sweat rolls down your back. You flip the pages, desperateâ desperate for a piece of information that will save you from the thoughts spilling in your mind, from the thoughts you will do anything not to believe. You reach the âWhere to Find Themâ subsection and nearly gasp with relief. Surely, vampires do not pose as wealthy lords of Europe?Â
âVampires can be found everywhere. They do not exist in only one country or continent, but all over the world. Odds are that you have faced at least one vampire in your life, unknowingly or not. Some vampires choose to live solitary lives, surviving in the wilderness where human society will not attempt to tame their wild nature. Others choose to live among humans, some even existing in positions of very high authority.âÂ
No, no, no. This canât be happening to you. It canât be real. Youâre dreaming, youâre having one of those nightmares again. Youâre going to wake up any second.Â
âOne tale recounts a razing of the Gojo estate in the 12th century.âÂ
Youâre panting, hyperventilating. This isnât happening.Â
âSoldiers of the enemy force recounted a singular man, the son and heir of the then Lord Gojo, taking out a minimum of 800 men. He was described as having his familyâs characteristic white hair as well as blue eyes. Eyewitness accounts depict the Gojo heir as covered in blood and killing savagely and with inhuman strength.âÂ
No, no, no.Â
â(See next page for only existing portrait)â
Your fingers tremble but you canât stop them. Thereâs no way. Itâs not possible.Â
You flip the page and Satoru stares back at you.Â
Knock! Knock! Knock!
You nearly scream. Your door rattles angrily, but youâre not sure you can answer it, not with the knowledge flooding your mind. The knocking continues. You run your hand over your face and smooth down your hair. You feel frazzled, dirty, despite not having moved from your chair all day. Another knock prompts you to set your book aside and stand. You do your best to compose yourself, to put on a straight face. You fail instantly when you pull back the door not to reveal your faithful attendant, not Thomas, but Satoru.Â
You bite back a shriek and instead force a smile. Youâre suddenly very aware of the blood pounding in you veins and of the fact that he most likely knows.Â
âHello,â he says, but his voice is lower than usually, more intense.Â
You force a breath into your lungs. âHello,â you answer, but it sounds more like a squeak than a greeting.Â
Something flashes in his eyes, something familiar, something that is no longer interesting but rather terrifying. âAre you alright? You seem a little⊠flushed.â The concern on his face feels anything but genuine.Â
âIâm fine,â you answer, but even you can tell that reply too quickly, too eagerly. You rush to cover it up. âIs it time for dinner? Whereâs Thomas?âÂ
His lip twitches and you see a muscle in his jaw flex. âThomas has⊠left us.âÂ
No. This wasnât happening to you. There was no way this was happening to you.Â
âHe⊠what?â Thereâs an unmistakable wobble in your voice that only causes Satoruâs face to fall further.Â
âItâs no matter. Heâs gone. Now itâs just you and me, hm?â He chuckles and the sound rattles your bones. âIn fact, I was thinking Iâd cut down on the number of servants we have entirelyâŠâÂ
You mind races with the memory of knowledge you wish you didnât have. âVampires are fiercely protective of their mates, bordering on obsession. Any person deemed a threat to their bond or their mateâs safety is usually disposed of quickly.â
You nearly stumble, but lean against the doorframe just in time. Your husband had disposed of a man, all because he brought you meals and books?
âWhat have you been up to today, princess?â The question breaks your trance just in time for you to see your husbandâs eyes flicker behind you.Â
You wet your lips. âJust some reading.â You plead that he doesnât ask anything further. He does.Â
âAbout the estate?â he asks.Â
You nod and try to swallow the lump in your throat. âYes.â
His smile returns and this time itâs not forced. âYou got my books, then?âÂ
You try smiling back, but youâre fairly sure it looks more like a grimace. âYes.â
âAnything interesting?â he presses.
This isnât happening. This canât be happening. Does he know? Does he know that you know? âYes, of course. Lots.âÂ
He pauses and you see the debate and then the decision in his eyes. You think itâs the first time youâve felt true terror when he meets your gaze again. âI think we should skip dinner tonight. It seems we have so much to discuss.â
You donât even have the wherewithal to scream when he steps into you, forcing you back until heâs shutting your door behind him. He doesnât stop there, though. He keeps pressing, keeps pushing until your knees hit the bed and youâre falling to the mattress. He crawls right after you.
âWho knew my little wife was such a reader? All those books in such a short time⊠You must be simply spilling with information.âÂ
You retreat across the mattress, squeaking when your back hits the headboard and his arms cage your waist. Youâre trapped.
His hands find your hips and youâre all too aware of how cool his touch is. Even more so when he pulls you right into his lap.
âSatoru-â your voice is pitiful, breathless, and youâre ashamed to say itâs not just from the fear in your gut. Heâs never been this close before, never touched you, held you like this. âThomas-âÂ
âDonât speak his name.â His face pulls into the first scowl youâve ever seen and the sight is enough to root you to the spot. Never have you seen anything more frightening. A creature so beautiful, so perfectly angelic, filled with an insurmountable rage. Itâs wrong. âHeâs gone. Heâll never bother you again.â Heâs closer now, his breath skating over your skin. Itâs cool and now you know the reason why.Â
You shake and tremble and you knowâ Thomas is dead. Your husband killed himâ killed him for getting too close when all he did was stay at a distance. Satoru killed him. Killed him.Â
He buries himself in your neck, his voice a near whine. âThought I could put up with it, just so youâd have someone to take care of youâŠâ He groans. âI was so wrong, princess. Couldnât stand it. Couldnât stand the way you smelled more like him than meâŠâÂ
You feel him melt against you then, relief washing over his body in a wave. âBut heâs gone. And now itâs just you and me, hm? Just you and meâŠâ He hums, like remembering that fact is all heâs ever needed.
Heâs kissing your pulse again, now, and your heart is racing faster than ever. Your fingers curl into his shoulders. You should push him away, away, away. Heâs a killer, of thousands no doubt. Youâve never felt at home here, never felt like you belonged. This is why. Youâre not even the same species. Heâs something else, something your hands were never meant to touch.Â
Your mind screams at you to do go, to shove and kick at him and leave this place behind. Go, go, go your gut says⊠but you donât. You canât. Itâs too⊠good. The feeling of his cool lips against your skin, of what youâre sure is his tongue prodding at your pulse⊠itâs intoxicating. He is intoxicating. How could anyone blame you for wanting more of someone, something, so divine?Â
âHave you figured it out yet, love?â Your breath hitches and he chuckles, licking a long stripe up your neck, before he settles back at your pulse. Always your pulse. âI can feel those little gears turning. Tell me, what have they discovered?âÂ
He knows you know. But heâs going to make you say it. You swallow and feel his grip on you tighten. âYouâreâŠâ Your breaths come faster. You canât. Not aloud. Aloud makes it too⊠real.Â
âYessss?â he prods. Heâs licking at you again, all the way across your throat to find your other pulse-point.Â
âYouâre notâŠâ Something sharps nicks at your skin and you bite your lip to hold back a whimper.Â
âGo on, princess.â You think heâs just smelling you now, just burying his face as close to you as possible and taking you in.Â
You close your eyes tightly, holding back tears. âNot human,â you breathe. A piece of you breaks with the admission.
He huffs a little laugh against your skin and pulls back to look you in the eye. âThatâs good,â he purrs. âBut I think you can be a little more specific, no?â His lips press to your chin, then the corner of your mouth, then down to your jaw⊠âTell me.âÂ
Your lips wobble, muscles clenching tighter with each passing moment. You donât want to say it, donât want to speak it into existence, but you also donât dare to disobey him.Â
âYouâre aâŠâ You shake and tremble. He draws a line up your neck with the tip of his nose.
âMhm?âÂ
You open your eyes, thinking this might be the last time you see. âVampire.âÂ
He chuckles and you feel his teeth press to the skin of your neck. âThatâs right, princess. So smart.âÂ
He smiles and you suddenly realize youâve never seen his teeth before. Everytime he smiles at you itâs close-lipped and dimpled. But this⊠this is the smile of a predatorâ all white and pointy and fitted with a set of menacingly long fangs. You sob at the sight.Â
âShhhhh,â he coos. He has your chin in his hand, forcing you to truly look at him, to see him for what he is. âI wonât hurt you, love.â You want to believe him so badly it burns, but his laugh washes away any fire and turns it to ice. âNot unless you want me to.â He wiggles a brow like itâs just a little joke, like heâs not an actual fucking vampire that had his fangs over your neck just moments ago.Â
âSatoru,â you beg. Youâre not sure what youâre begging for. Release maybe? But, no, thatâs not right. You donât want him to let you go, not when you finally have him close after all this time. âWhy did you pick me?âÂ
The question slips out. You hadnât even been thinking about it, hadnât even noticed it scratching at the walls of your mind, but it made its way out nonetheless.
His brow creases, but not in confusion. Moreso in⊠thoughtfulness. âDo you think about that a lot, princess?âÂ
You nod and you suddenly want him closer, want him to touch you everywhere, hold you like his life depends on it. You want him, no matter how horrible it might be.Â
He nods and hums, kissing the tip of your nose lightly. âWellâŠâ he says. His thumb swipes over your lips when he leans in to whisper in your ear. âAt first I wanted you for this.â His head dips to your neck again and you feel the familiar brush of his lips against your throat. âYou smellâŠâ he chuckles. âLike heaven. Which is a place Iâll never get to on my own, so I had to bring my own little slice home, no?â He laughs again, a little louder this time, genuinely amused. âWent into town one day and caught your scent on the street. At first I thought I must be walking past the bakery, but, lo and behold, there was no baker in sight.â Heâs still kissing at your pulse, worshiping it. âWent crazy, princess. Didnât think I was going to be able to contain myself when I found you. Thought it might be quite the scene.â He huffs a laugh and you shiver, somehow both terrified and intoxicated. âBut then I saw youââ he groans and something clenches deep at your center. âAnd I knew I needed more than just your blood. Needed you.â Heâs rocking into you now, and your breath catches when you feel something firm against your backside. âWent to you in that little room you slept in every night. Watched you. Couldnât stay away. Knew I had to have you.â You feel him smile against your skin. âAfter a week I couldnât take it anymore. Sent you that letter, married you. Made you mine.â He groans again. âThen I met you and you were so pretty, princess. Already knew it, but hearinâ you talk to me, look at me.â Teeth graze your pulse. âNeeded you more than ever. Almost took you right on the fucking floor in here while you were lookinâ at those dresses.â You whine when his hips roll into you again. âOh, but I knew I couldnât. Youâre so fragile, love. Had to wait, had to make you feel safe, yeah? Spent all this time forcing myself to stay away, âfraid of what I might too if I was in your presence too long. Had to control myself. Had to make you realize you could trust me.â He panting, like heâs so pent up he can hardly sit still. âDo you trust me, princess?âÂ
Your brows scrunch. Say no, say no, say no a part of you screams. Run, run, run. You canât. âYes,â you breathe.Â
You feel him smile again, feel the pleasure of submission. âGood girl.âÂ
Youâre on your back. It happens so fast your eyes donât even have time to gasp. You donât see Satoru, but you feel him. Everywhere. His hands are roaming your body softly, sliding under buttons and laces and popping them off. Your dress loosens with every passing moment until Satoru reappears above you, diving straight for your neck again. âSo good, princess. Letâs get you out of this dress, yeah?âÂ
You nod wordlessly, entranced. He finds your mouth as he rids you of your clothes. His tongue presses in and you flail against him, unsure of what to do, of how to handle the intrusion. The kiss is heavy, too heavy, but Satoru canât seem to stop. He devours you as he gives up on laces and buttons and simply shreds your dress down the back. You tremble when the cold air hits your skin, when his cool fingers dust your collarbone.Â
âI always forget how many damn layers they make you ladies wear,â he chuckles. His hands run beneath your shift, up across your bare thigh. You gasp at the touch. No one has even been so close to you before. You feel the threads of your corset snapping away, feel your breaths growing deeper. You tremble when he pulls your sleeve down past your shoulder and runs his mouth along the newly exposed skin.Â
âSatoru,â you gasp, and your hand pulls at his flowing white shirt.Â
He chuckles, pulling back just enough to see your face. âYou wanna see me too?â You nod, lips parted and eyes glassy, and he laughs again. He lips dust over the corner of your mouth. âAlright.âÂ
His hands shift from you to himself, working at the laces on his chest. His movements are speedy, practiced, like heâs been lacing and unlacing shirts for hundreds of years. Your throat tightens when you realize that he has.Â
You gasp when he reveals himself, when his shirt slides away to reveal an expanse of pale skin and carved muscle. Youâve never seen a man like this and seeing one this close up for the first time is nearly blinding. Heâs art, you think- nothing less.Â
âTouch me, princess,â he says. You canât. You shouldnât. Heâs too beautiful, too perfect to be beneath your insignificant hands. âNeed a little help?â he asks, and thereâs a lilt in his voice that makes you sure heâs grinning.Â
His hands find yours and bring them to his chest, running your palms over his collarbones, his pecs, down, down, down across his abs that you can feel each and every one⊠You whimper, watching your own fingers grope his skin. He pulls you lower, lower, lower, and you gasp when your fingertips brush the waistband of his pants. But then heâs laughing again and heâs throwing your arms over his shoulders and pulling you closer, kissing your neck like it pained him to be parted from your pulse for so long.Â
âNot so fast,â he says, like he wasnât the one nearly stuffing your hands down his pants. His hands are on your corset again. You can feel it dangling onto you by a thread, literally. All he needs is a couple more pulls and youâll be bare. By the look he gives you, you can tell heâsÂ
thinking the same thing. âYou touch me, now I touch you, yeah?â Thereâs a tug and a tear and then so much⊠cold. Youâve never realized how cold this castle is, not until youâre exposed to its elements fully. Youâre naked.Â
Satoru sits back on his knees and just watches. His gaze is searing, burning, despite the iciness of his being. Itâs too much. Your hands move to cover yourself, to maintain some modicum of your dignity-Â
âNo.â Strong hands find your wrists and pry them apart. âLet me see you,â he says. His tongue darts out to lick his lips.Â
Your jaw clenches and your frame shakes, but you do as he asks, letting your hands fall limply at your sides. Thereâs silence for many more moments and it seems to go on so long that you can only squeeze your eyes shut under his gaze. Surely he will turn you away now, get up and leave, tell you this was a mistake, tell you that youâreâÂ
âBeautiful,â he breathes. Your eyes snap open to find him already staring at you. âBeautiful,â he says again, and then heâs on you, lips at your pulse, hands on your skin. His touch is cool and you squeak at the chill that runs up your spine. Youâre not sure itâs entirely from his temperature.Â
His mouth seeks yours and he devours you. You feel as if heâs sucking your soul out through your lips. âTell me youâve never done this before,â he begs. âTell me Iâm the first to touch you.âÂ
You whine against his mouth, both aching for more and overwhelmed by what heâs already giving you. âY-Youâre the first,â you whisper.Â
His groan is deep, primal. It rattles through your chest and you whimper when his hands dig into your waist hard enough to bruise. âYes,â he breathes, and you shiver again. âLie back, princess.â Your eyes widen, with anticipation or fear youâre not sure. Probably both. He chuckles. âDonât worry. Iâll be gentle.âÂ
You pray he means that. âJust relax, love. Here, hold my hand.â His fingers find yours, twining them together. When you swallow, his eyes follow the bob of your throat. He leans back again and your body twitches when his free hand skims the skin of your thighs. His tongue darts out to wet his lips as he finds your knees and you gasp when he parts your legs, revealing you so completely to his gaze. The way he stares, like heâs committing you to memory, itâs nearly enough to make you snap your thighs shut, but a squeeze from his hand reminds you to relax, to trust.Â
His palm skates up your thigh and settles near your hip, his fingertips inching closer to where you can feel an embarrassing throb.Â
âTell me, love. Have you ever touched yourself here?â His fingers dust low on your tummy- just low enough for you to catch his meaning, but not low enough to give you any relief. Your face heats and your teeth dig into the flesh of your cheek. You have, you have touched yourself there, but itâs the last thing you want to admit to your new husband. Itâs shameful, itâs dirty, itâs- âDonât think Iâll judge you, princess. Just wanna know.âÂ
You gulp down a breath. You should come clean. âY-yes,â you stutter, and the sound of your voice so weak and helpless only makes you flush further.Â
He chuckles and squeezes your hand again. âOn the outside or the inside?âÂ
Your eyes widen. I-inside? Youâd never considered that⊠âJ-just the outside,â you answer.Â
Your eyes grow even wider when his head rolls back and he moans straight up to the ceiling like your answer is heaven-sent. When he looks back to you his fangs are on full display. âWell, I think you and I are in for a little treat today, hm?âÂ
Your brow furrows and your lips part to ask him what he meansâ his fingers travel those last few inches down your tummy and find your clit. You squeak and jolt so violently that he presses a hand to your hip, holding you to the mattress. âSomebodyâs sensitive,â he chuckles. He holds you still for a moment and then lets your hips go free. âTry to stay still. I promise itâll feel good.â
You nod hopelessly, but this time youâre prepared for when he touches you again. Your muscles clench at the first touch, at the foreign sensation of a touch down there that wasnât your own. But then itâs more. Itâs languid, slow circles around a spot that youâve never been able to pinpoint so well on your own. Itâs heat building in your tummy that seeps through every vein and into every pore. Itâs relaxation that youâve never known, that has you melting into the mattress despite the chill of the touch.Â
Thereâs a little huff of a laugh and then his voice. âGood girl. Feels nice, yeah?â You nod hesitantly and squeeze desperately at his hand, searching for an anchor. His head cocks to the side and you watch the smile slide across his lips. âItâs about to feel even nicer.âÂ
By the time you realize what heâs doing itâs far too late to stop him. His mouth closes around your cunt and you yelp, trying to wiggle away from the overwhelming sensation- but heâs got his freehand on your hip again and his grip is bruising, punishing, as he holds you in place. He licks a stripe through your folds and you find yourself jolting again, uselessly so against the pressure of his palm on your hip. âStop that, princess.â Your heart drops at the admonishment until you feel his guiding touch. âRock into me like this.â His hand rocks your hips into his mouth and the pressure of his tongue against your clit is so delicious that you whimper. âGood girl,â he says and your heart rises right back up. âKeep doing that, now.â You donât dare defy him. You rock like he showed you, a little jerkily at first, and then you find a rhythm that has you seeing stars. âThatâs it, love,â he says, and the sound is muffled against your cunt. âHere, put your hand in my hair.â He finds your wrist and guides you forward until your fingers are tangling in those snowy locks. Theyâre even softer than youâd imagined. âGood girl,â he whispers and suddenly heâs taking one last long lick and lifting his head to meet your eyes. ââM gonna put my fingers in you now, princess.â Your chin wobbles. âIt might hurt a little bit, but stay still, okay?â You canât do anything but nod.Â
His eyes return to your cunt and you can feel him prodding at your entrance, circling the hole as you clench in anticipation. âRelaaaaaax, love,â he says and you nod. A deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouthâÂ
You feel the exact moment he pushes into you and a whine of pain rips from your throat. Your walls clamp down like a vice, angry at the intrusionâ but itâs already too late. Thereâs a beat of silence, of anticipation, and then heâsâ laughing?Â
Your brows furrow when you hear it, your head lifting to a sight that locks your limbs in shock. Satoruâs hand is lifted in front of his face, his pointer finger coated inâ blood, you realize. Your blood. And heâs a fucking vampire.Â
âOh princess,â he coos, and the manic look in his eyes makes you tremble. âYou really are perfect.âÂ
Things seem to slow as you watch him take his blood covered finger into his mouth. Youâre sure youâve never seen an expression more blissful, more lost to sensation. His eyes roll back and his body shivers, like heâs ascending to some higher plane. Maybe he is.Â
When he pulls his finger from his mouth itâs completely licked clean. You hold your breath. Heâs going to go for your neck now, right? Heâs had a taste and now heâll want more of it, all of it?
âFuck,â is all he says. His mouth is back on your cunt so fast you donât even see him move.Â
Your mouth falls wide. It hurts, the way he is so desperately licking at you. You feel his finger again, pressing in, in, in, only to pull back and suddenly be joined by another. The stretch tears at you. You thrash and jolt, but Satoru doesnât bother telling you to stop this time. His arm wraps over your hips, holding you in place. He seems immune to how hard your legs squeeze at his head or your hands pull at his hair. Heâs lost. You can feel him licking, lapping, and prodding at you like youâre a fucking gold mine. Heâs lost to desperation, to the need for more, more, more. Every so often he lifts his chin and you see his mouth smudged with a mixture of your wetness and your blood. He laps at his lips like an animal, dragging his thumb across his chin and sliding it into his mouth to make sure he gets every last drop.Â
Youâre not quite sure when the ravenous pain turns to a ravenous pleasure, when it turns from terrifying to downright delicious. You donât notice your moans filling the air until Satoru joins you, groaning and whining into your cunt and telling you to keep going, to keep making those sounds. The hand you have buried in his hair doesnât fight to push him away any longer, only to pull him into those now practiced rocks of your hips. His fingers thrust deep, curling into a spot that makes you feel so good and his mouth has found your clit again. He sucks your nerves lightly between his lips, tongue swirling in little circles. Your thighs start to shake.Â
âYes. Yes. Give it to me.âÂ
âS-Satoruââ you breathe. Warmth and tightness pool in your tummy, and you recognize it as your approaching orgasm, though you know this one will be far different than any youâve ever managed to give yourself. Your body shakes and your breaths tremble and thenâ you fall over the edge, rocking your hips senselessly, losing all form of rhythm. Warmth tingles in your spine and seeps all the way down to your toes. You think you cry out, cry for your husband, cry for more, cry for less, but if you do you donât hear it. All you hear is the pounding of your pulse, of pleasure throbbing in your veins until the world slowly seeps back in through the corners of your vision.Â
Satoru is grinning. A speck of your blood clings to his chin and his fangs peek out from behind his lips. The sight makes your blood run a little colder. If any part of you doubted what he was before⊠well, there was no doubt any longer.Â
Thereâs a shift between your legs, his hips slotting between them, and youâre suddenly snapped back to reality. From the look in his eyes, youâre not done.Â
Frantic hands find his pants and he undoes each button with a quickness that is almost inhuman. You wonder if he could go even faster, if heâs holding back so as not to scare you. If he is, it isnât working very well. Fear surges in your veins right alongside anticipation.Â
âS-Satoruââ
âItâs alright, love.â His hand finds yours without his eyes ever looking up. His grip is just a little too firm, a little too cold. âJust stay still.âÂ
You whimper, but you donât think heâs paying attention to that, and soon enough, neither are you. His pants slide down just past his hips, just enough. You gasp.Â
Youâve never seen a man in the nude, never even dared to think about what it might look like, though it seemed you no longer had to guess. His hand wrapped around his shaft, giving one long and slow stroke that made his breath hiss through his fangs. The tip was flushed, angry, and leaking something that looked clear and sticky. You couldnât help but notice it was a lot thicker than a finger, or even two. If his fingers had hurtâŠ
He moves with that alarming quickness again, leaning down to hover over you, chests nearly pressed together. âGonna take you now, princess. Gonna make you mine.â His eyes bore into yours, blue and shimmering with something wild. His hand presses into the mattress beside your head. âStay still, now.â
Itâs all the warning he gives you. You feel like youâre splittingâ straight up the middle. You wail, hands flying out to claw at his back. It hurts. It hurts.Â
âSatoru, p-please! ItâsââÂ
Lips catch yoursâ hungry, feral. The kiss is not gentle, not soothing. It shuts you up, it keeps you quiet, it keeps you still as you feel him sinking further, deeper into you. Itâs too much, you try to say, but the poke of sharp teeth against your lips keeps you silent. Your hips jolt and wiggle trying desperately to escape the stretch but itâs no use. By the time heâs fully inside you, tears are streaking down your cheeks, fat and heavy. His lips break away and his eyes reappear. You shake when you see that none of the wildness has been tamed, that youâve only just begun.
âGood girl,â he coos, and a cool finger traces a line across your jaw. âTook me so well.â You hold back a sob when his hips shift a little, testing, prodding. He must see the pinch of your eyes, the twist of your mouth, because heâs quick to comfort. âJust hold my hand, princess.â His hips rock in earnest this time and you whimper, squeezing down on his hand with all your might. Youâre panting as he chuckles. âBreathe, love. Breathe. Soon youâll be begging for more,â he laughs. Itâs not long before heâs rocking into you sincerely, setting a pace that stretches you to the brink of breaking. At first itâs all you can do to grasp onto him, to bite your lips through the whimpers and hold his hand. And then itâs⊠more. Itâs heat and warmth despite the coolness of his body on yours. Itâs sensation and⊠pleasure. He laughs when the first moan slides past your lips, burying his face in your neck once again. You hear him at your ear, panting his hot breath across your skin.Â
âFeel good, princess?â You nod, letting your hips rock against his as he showed you before. It feels goodâ it feels right. He chuckles, but thereâs nothing light about the sound. âWanna feel even better?â Something sharp pokes at the skin of your neck, hard enough to make you squeak, to make you freeze at what you know he wants.Â
He pulls himself back, pressing his forehead to yours, searching your eyes with his. Something like a cruel smile dances on his mouth. âJust a taste, love. I promise it wonâ hurt.â His tongue darts out and licks across your lips, his thrusts rocking just a bit faster. âYouâll feel sâ good anâ Iâll only take a little.â He laughs again and it sends a chill through your bones. âPromise.â He sounds breathless, like heâs struggling to restrain himself. The increase of his pace makes you whine and you squeeze his hand again. He buries himself back in your neck, panting. âCome on, love. Say yes. Say yes fâ me.â Your eyes glaze over. Your body justles with each new thrust. Heâs desperate now, seeking a release that you donât think is any kind youâre familiar with. âYes, yes, yes,â he chants in your ear. Youâre not sure when his words twist in your mind, when they settle on your tongue and push past your lips, but you know it feels so right when they do.Â
âYes,â you whisper.Â
His fangs clamp around your pulse. You scream when the sting rips through you, violent and savageâ but it only lasts a moment. Pain fades to⊠ecstasy. You feel his throat bobbing with each swallow, feel your blood seeping from your skin and onto his tongue. Youâd thought it would feel slicing, draining, like the life was being sucked from you. It doesnât. It feels wonderful. Heat spreads under your skin, emanating from your neck and down to your toes. It feels like breathing for the first time, like sugar being pumped into your veins. It feels like heaven. Your hand tangles in his hair, holding him close. You donât want it to stop, not ever. You could die like this, have him suck every last drop of blood from your veins and thank him for it with your dying breath.Â
Heâs moaning now, hands curling into your hips while he fucks into you relentlessly. The pace is grueling and brutal. You know it should hurt but only feels perfect. Anything less would not be enough. Anything else would leave you wanting. You feel it building, feel that familiar twinge at your core. The ecstasy flooding through your veins has it coming faster, has you teetering on the edge in moments.Â
âSatoruâŠâ You hadnât noticed how dizzy you felt until you tried to speak. You wonder why⊠ââM gonnaâŠâÂ
He fucks you harder, something menacing and deep rumbling in his chest. The sound makes you shiver, makes you whine, makes you come.Â
Your body shakes and a cry rips from your throat, cunt clenching like a vice around him. Your eyes roll back, hands scraping trails down his back. Your thighs quake with the intensity, with the overwhelming senses of pleasure that erupt throughout your body. Every nerve is firing, every hair rising. Itâs an unstoppable current, one that sweeps you away, helpless to its pull.Â
His thrusts grow sloppy and untimed. His grip on your hips tightens, holding you in place while he makes you his. His teeth break from your neck and when you look up through blurry eyes you see his head thrown back, your blood streaming down his chin in thick little globs. You feel it when he cums, feel the thick ropes of it seeping into your womb, feel the way he keeps fucking you, pushing it deeper and deeper inside. Heâs moaning, chanting your name like a prayer at the heavens.Â
When the moment ends he slumps over you, eyes half lidded and tired. Thereâs a familiar grin on his lips, one that inspires both comfort and uneasiness in your gut. You canât help but stare at him, at the blood that stains his chin and cheeks, that reddens his lips so beautifully. You want to reach out and touch him, touch his blood-soaked skin and see what it feels like, what it tastes like. What you taste like.Â
His eyes slide to the side, finding your pulse again. You groan. Yes, you think. Please, yes. More. You donât think youâll ever get enough of that. Of his teeth in your flesh, of the euphoria flooding your veins. More, more, more, your mind chants.Â
He chuckles lightly and shakes his head. âNo, princess.â He raises a finger to trace the curve of your neck. âI took more than I should haveâŠâ His expression doesnât tense with worry. His cheeks pull into a smile, those little dimples shining through. âBut what can I say? You just taste so good.â Like he needs to emphasize his point, his tongue darts out to trace his lips, lapping up some of the remaining blood on his chin. âYou taste like mine.â
You whine. More, more, more. Itâs all you can think about. You lift an arm weakly. You want to pull him to your neck, to make him drink, to make him fill you with the heaven you had just moments ago.Â
He catches your wrist and brings it to his lips, inhaling deeply. His lips split into another grin and you see his eyes spark again with the wildness you crave.Â
âNot yet, princess.â he coos. âBut soon.â His smile grows even wider, until those fangs are on full display, until youâre trembling again. âForever,â he whispers.
taglist (dm me or send an ask to be added!): @lacheri, @la-undercover-latina, @keiva1000
please consider leaving a comment, sending an ask, or reblogging! interacting with authors is the best way to support them! thanks for reading âĄ
#gojo#gojo smut#gojo x reader#jjk gojo#satoru gojo#gojo satoru#jjk x reader#jjk#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen#satoru#jujutsu gojo#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk x reader smut#vampire gojo#vampire#tw: loss of virginity#tw: yandere#jujustu kaisen#gojo x you#bree's fics!
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The Pirate King of the North
Main Themes: Villain Sanji, Alternate Universe, Zosan Ship
AU where Straw Hat Pirates meet old Sanji from a reality where Reiju didn't have emotions.
Warning: Long post ahead and some One Piece spoilers. Contains strong language.
Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9
Young Zoro hates the fucker but those scars and piercings are doing a number to his soul.
Old Sanji's story goes like this:
He didn't experience compassion from anyone else aside from his mother, who--you know what happened.
Judge kept him locked away until he was 13. He had him released when he was deemed too broken to do anything, and he was apparently a waste of space. As far as the world was concerned, he was already dead. He gets left behind at some random pirate town in the North.
His swirly brows were recognized by the pirates who took him in--only for him to be enslaved because people would pay a lot to have their way with royalty.
He picked up some skills from the other slaves and became cunning af--because he had to be.
At 17 he started a revolt against the slaver pirates, effectively taking over as their new pirate captain.
He became the feared "Mr. Prince" and his words are as sharp as his bite.
He's underweight because he doesn't give two shits about good food.
"The All Blue? It's nothing but an old fishwive's tale," he says.
He used his cunning mind and new pirate crew to hunt down and kill his own father from the shadows.
He enslaved his own siblings and becomes the new ruler of Germa Kingdom. Over the years, he used them for warfare and expanded the territory of the North.
His heart is a bottomless pit for power and control.
He had a fling or two or several with is closely allied with Doflamingo because god damn they're both mad like that. The alliance eventually lead to direct connections with Celestial Dragons.
Sanji gains more power and becomes the notorious "Pirate King of the North"
Meanwhile at the other side of the world, Luffy didn't make it as far as he could have without a good cook.
Luffy would have recruited one from Baratie but the restaurant was absolutely destroyed before the smaller Straw Hat crew could make a difference. Some of the staff didn't make it.
Zoro left the crew when it fell apart at some point.
Due to Zoro's reputation and bounty that he had occurred during his limited time with Luffy, he was offered a position as a Warlord, ultimately taking over the late Jinbe's old role. He accepted and served for several years before he was assigned a job that he didn't know would be the most challenging one yet.
The Celestial Dragons didn't like the fact that Sanji had started to have more worldly control over their own, so Zoro was quietly assigned to hunt down the great Pirate King of the North. Zoro accepted because he felt that he needed more experience before he could take on Mihawk again.
Zoro quickly realised that this mission is not a walk in the park.
Sanji loves toying with the Demon Warlord so he insists on taking him on by himself.
It becomes an endless game of cat and mouse. Sometimes Sanji chases and sometimes he runs, sometimes he wins and sometimes he loses.
They're at each others' throats everywhere in the world. Any person, city or being of any kind that gets in the way usually gets torn apart in the chaos. The hunt goes on for a lifetime. They're currently in their 40's.
Zoro severs Sanji's left arm during one huge fight.
Because of this, Sanji relentlessly tries to get Zoro to marry him to use him in so many ways he can think of--both as an asset and under the sheets--oh the things that he wants the swordsman to do and beg for.
Sanji likes to refer to the tiniest scar on his lip as "Zoro's love bite"
He was about to get a nice fresh one on his chest when some fuckers teleported him away.
Hearing old Sanji's backstory was a bit much. It was young Zoro's turn to have a nosebleed that day.
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Oh yes I had fun drawing old silver fox, damaged Sanji. I wish I have the time to colour it up. I've also been very much into reading AU stories, especially soul brand ones. Keep them coming, you beautiful people.
Edit: Woo! I finally decided to make my own AO3 account. It's about time. Link here for the story: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60686077
#old sanji#villain sanji#zosan#zosan fanfic#opfanart#op fanfic#fanfic#one piece#vinsmoke sanji#sanji#one piece fan art#one piece fanart#one piece fanfiction#op zosan#one piece zosan#zosan art#roronoa zoro#sanji x doflamingo#sketch#one piece au#alternate universe#time travel au#dimension travel au#sanji x zoro#zoro#zoro x sanji#one piece zoro#one piece vinsmokes#young zoro#pirate king of the north
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Nanami sat at a quiet corner table in a small cafe, one hand wrapped around a coffee cup that had long since cooled. His gaze drifted out the window, taking in the sights of the street but focusing on none of them.
The hum of the cafe, the muted conversations and clinking cups, was soothing. A moment of quiet felt surreal as he waited for you to meet him.
âExcuse me?â
Nanami looked down to see a small girl, maybe six or seven years old, standing by his table. Her eyes were round and curious, and she was staring at the healed web like burn scars on his face and the scars that peeked out from under the cuff of his shirt.
He felt a pang of self-consciousness and was about to glance away, but the girl tilted her head, undeterred.
âWhat happened to your face?â she asked, her tone as innocent as her question.
Nanami blinked. He wasnât used to such direct curiosity. Most people (adults) either looked away out of politeness or offered a sympathetic smile that he never quite knew how to respond to. But this child simply waited, eyes bright and expectant.
He took a steadying breath. âI got hurt while I was working,â he said, choosing his words carefully. âBut Iâm alright now.â
âOh,â she replied, digesting this. She looked at his hand, tracing her gaze over the marks on his fingers and wrists. âDoes it still hurt?â
âNot anymore.â He found himself softening a bit, his usual reserve giving way to something gentler in the face of her openness.
She nodded, apparently satisfied with this answer, and then broke into a grin. âI think it looks cool. Itâs like super hero scars. You must be one!â
Nanami couldnât help the small smile that tugged at his lips. âThank you,â he said. âBut Iâm not a superhero.â
The girl crossed her arms, as if deep in thought. âMy dad says superheroes donât always wear capes. He says sometimes theyâre just regular people who help.â
Nanami felt something twist in his chest at that. âYour dad sounds like a smart man.â
âSometimes,â she said, scrunching up her nose. âBut he doesnât like coffee or chocolate. He says it tastes like dirt.â
Nanami let out a quiet chuckle. âIt does, a little bit. But I like it anyway. And chocolate? That sounds criminal.â
The girl laughed with him âThatâs what I think! Chocolate is yummy. Heâs nuts.â For a moment, it felt like the weight of everything heâd been carrying was a little lighter.
âMy name is Emi.â
âIâm Nanami. Itâs nice to meet you Emi. Where are your parents?â
âBehind the counter. They own the cafe.â She smiled as she waved at her dad who gave an apologetic look towards Nanami.
âDo you come here a lot?â she asked, swinging her arms a bit as she looked around the cafe.
âSometimes. Me and my wife like the pastries here. Or I come here to think.â
She seemed to consider this, then pulled a bright red crayon from the front pocket of her Bluey bag and placed it carefully on the table. âHere. In case you need to write something while you think. Or your wife!â she offered earnestly.
Nanami took the crayon, holding it between his fingers as if it were made of glass. âThank you,â he said, voice soft. âThatâs very kind of you.â
The gentle wind from the door opening brought Nanamiâs eyes up and to you as you walked over. âHi darling.â
You bent to kiss his cheek and smiled before looking over at the little girl. âWell hello! Do we have a new friend?â
âIâm Emi! Is Mr. Nanami your husband?â
You nodded sitting down at the table but still keep contact with the girl.â âUh huh. He is.â
âThats so cool. Youâre married to a super hero! Did you know that?â
You looked up to Nanami, confused as he chuckled and traced his thumb over the crayons paper wrapping. âItâs.. weâll get to that in a second.â
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#nanami kento#jjk nanami#nanami x reader#nanami fluff#nanami x you#kento nanami#nanami headcanons#nanami kento x reader#jjk fluff#Lu.logs
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The more I think about it, the more Laios and Falin's different perceptions of their parents are a case of "same parents, different childhood".
Whenever someone asks Laios about his and Falin's family, he comments on how they treated Falin but never comments about how how their childhood affected him - in fact, he kind of glosses over it. It's Falin that everyone is rallying to save, it's Falin that's Marcille's friend, it's Falin that everyone has a positive opinion of - he's just the weirdo brother that gets to share some of her light sometimes. He's the one who's only tolerated when he's useful in a dungeon. Falin's treatment is a large part of the reason that he left, but it's the symptom of a larger issue.
When we see Laios' thoughts of his parents in his nightmares, it's all about the expectations that he's supposed to live up to: the expectation to stop being "childish", the expectation to get married (to who his parents picked) and have children, the expectation to take over from his father as the village chief, the expectation to adapt to something that he isn't able to be in the way that people want him to. And these are all things that he has had to be told in some way: he had to be told that Shuro didn't like him, he had to be told that told that the gold-peelers were taking advantage of him - these aren't thoughts that just appeared on their own, these are all failures that someone has explicitly pointed out to him and they haunt him. Some of the things he considers his biggest failures are his failure to provide for and protect Falin and those have very tangible examples he can point to.
We get a glimpse of what happens when he fails to live up to his father's expectations when Falin is born. He expects a certain reaction from Laios and when he fails to give that reaction he physically puts him down, dismisses him, and underestimates how much he understands.
And that's something that's shown to be a bit of a sore point for him - people thinking that he doesn't understand something because he doesn't express himself like people expect. The few times we see him snap at people are because people think he isn't understanding something because he isn't reacting "normally".
On Falin's side, the expectations seem to be a lot different - she's the younger one, for one, she's a girl, and she was so young when the fallout from her having magic happened. She too had an arranged engagement, but that was broken off when she was sent away to magic school and since then, their parents only seem to be passively involved in her life. She's mostly been freed of the expectations that their parents had for her in her village - she won't be coming back after all. She understands why they sent her away, she wasn't completely oblivious to the villagers treatment of her and it was, arguably, for the best so she is at peace with what their relationship is for now. But she still wants to go to her hometown and see for herself with adult eyes because she has never really had the space to do that.
I don't think their parents are inherently evil people - the truth is probably somewhere between Laios and Falin's version of the story, Laios' side tinged by too much cynicism and Falin's by too much naivete.
It just strikes me that when he tried to provide the "normal" way he failed, but given the space to do something similar to what people expected of him, but in his own way, he succeeded. He isn't perfect but his efforts are ultimately fruitful and he is able to carve out a place for himself, Falin, and others who had been ostracized like them to call home.
#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#dunmeshi analysis#laios touden#falin touden#i have a lot of touden feelings#i'm not letting mama and papa touden off the hook that easy#dunmeshi spoilers
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