#like since i started taking driving lessons my affection towards her grew and grew and grew

[cynameru]

ok so theres this car shaped cat.......

shameful self-shipping ⬇️

HELP I CANT STOP TBINKING ABOUT HERR SHES SO COOL AND SILLY AND ----

[daryldaddydixon]

Second Father

Hi guys 😄 I’m back again with another 3am crack fic!

Summary: Daryl and the reader begin to develop a father/daughter relationship and after giving Daryl a scare she surprises him even more.

Warnings: Daryl x Daughter/Teen!reader, gunshot wound, twd type violence, cuteness and fluff

*not my gif*

You were only thirteen when the apocalypse began. You and your parents had been lucky enough to stumble upon a camp of survivors in an abandoned quarry after escaping the city. At first, the group of survivors that had taken you in were wary of your family and you all understood why, but they soon warmed up to you. One member of the group was especially fond of you. Daryl Dixon. Initially, he wanted nothing to do with you, thinking you were just some helpless, scared kid. You finally started to grow on the hot-head after asking him to teach you how to hunt. You saw how he provided for the camp and you wanted to learn so you could help provide for the camp too. He rudely declined your first few requests but you hit him back with your own sarcasm and didn’t let his rudeness get to you. You persisted in asking him to teach you until he finally caved. With the consent of your parents, he promised you one hour, no more and you happily accepted.

Within that one hour you shocked him with how easily you picked up tracking skills. You even helped him track a deer and then caught your own squirrel with Daryl’s crossbow. Of course he helped you hold it up to aim since it was heavy but you still took all the credit and he gladly let you. After that day you became Daryl’s protégée and he started taking you out on lessons regularly. Your parents were very fond of the archer and grew to trust him with their only daughter’s life. At first Merle thought Daryl was stupid for getting attached to some random kid but eventually you even grew on the older Dixon. Eventually you had earned the nickname Mini Dixon, having managed to gain the affection of both brothers. Though you mainly stuck by Daryl’s side as Merle was still a bigger ass than Daryl ever was. Between your parents and the Daryl you managed to find happiness even in the middle of the end of the world.

When the new guy, Rick, arrived and you found out Merle was left behind in the city you were sad. Despite you always being closer to Daryl and Merle being an ass you knew that Merle had cared for you to some capacity and you didn’t wish for him to die. You went to find Daryl to see if he was okay but when you found him he had yelled at you for the first time since before he took you on your first hunting lesson. Being the little fire cracker you were, you yelled back before walking off so you could both cool down. Daryl had felt terrible about yelling at you and went to apologize before going back to Atlanta to look for Merle. You wanted to go with him and the other guys but he quickly shut that idea down and instead made you promise to keep your parents and the camp safe. You pinky promised him. And when the walkers invaded the camp you fought with everything you had to keep that promise but you couldn’t. You couldn’t protect your parents, let alone the rest of camp.

Once Daryl and rest of the group returned from Atlanta he immediately ran to find you, fighting his way through walkers. When he finally found you his heart broke for you. He had found you crying over the corpses that were your parents. The archer couldn’t find any words so he just knelt down and hugged you while you cried. Ever since that night Daryl had unofficially taken over the role of your guardian.

Without Merle, you were the one person Daryl cared about more than anything. He’d never admit it but over time he started to view you as his own daughter.

Daryl was beyond relieved when they group found the prison. He was glad that you would have a safe place to live and grow up in. During your time at the prison you and Daryl grew closer than ever. He showed you new tracking and hunting techniques and even managed to find you your own crossbow while he was out on a run. Now that you were slightly older and bigger you were able to hold it up on your own. He even taught you how to make you own arrows like he did.

Since you had your own crossbow and were older you finally convinced Daryl to take you on a run.

That’s where you were now, rummaging through an abandoned drug store. After deeming the store clear you, Daryl and Glenn agreed to split up to cover more ground.

“Be careful, kid. Weapon up, got it?” Daryl warned.

“Got it,” you said and Daryl smiled at you before going down his aisle.

Unfortunately, the store wasn’t completely cleared. When you crossed over into your next aisle you came face to face with a burly man who had his gun drawn. Before you could act he pulled the trigger.

Daryl heard the gunshot from a few aisles down and sprinted towards the source of the shot.

“Y/N!” He called out.

When he found your body unconscious on the ground the man who shot you didn’t have to time to finish reloading his gun before Daryl tackled him.

“What did you do!” He screamed, punching the man before grabbing his knife and the stabbing it through the shooter’s face.

“No, no, no, no,” he mumbled crawling over to your body, “Glenn!” He screamed.

“Daryl? Y/N,” Glenn called, rounding the corner to find Daryl frantically tying his belt around your torso to stop the bleeding.

“Get the car! Now!” Daryl said. He didn’t bother looking up as Glenn made a run for the car. He focused on tying his belt around you as tight as he could before lifting you up and running to the car.

“Drive! Now!” Daryl called from the backseat. “You’re gonna be okay. Ya hear kid? You’re gonna be just fine. You’re gonna be okay,” he kept repeating this until you reached the gates of the prison where you were taken by Hershel and Maggie. Daryl wanted to follow you and sit while they worked on you in your cell but Rick held him back. “Give them room to help her,” Rick had said. Now Daryl was just pacing back and forth in the hall right out side your cell. Rick and Carol both tried to get the archer to sit down and rest or eat but he refused.

Daryl couldn’t focus on anything but his thoughts. You had to be okay. You had to, Daryl couldn’t bear to loose you. Over the past year you had become the daughter Daryl never got to have and you couldn’t leave him now. Not like this. You couldn’t die like this you were only a kid.

It was nearly sunset by the time Hershel pulled back the curtain and walked out of your cell.

“Is she okay?” Daryl asked immediately, his voice slightly cracking.

“She’ll be okay,” Hershel nodded, “the bullet went clean through, it’ll be some time but eventually the Mini Dixon will be good as new,” Hershel smiled, “she’s still sleeping but you can see her now. She won’t be awake for a while.”

“Thank you,” Daryl gasped out as his system flooded with relief. Hershel nodded in response.

Daryl took a deep breath before entering your cell. Even though he had just heard that you would be okay the sight of you pale and unconscious broke his heart. He pulled a chair up next to your bed and took one of your hands in his.

“Hey, kid,” he whispered, “gave me a scare back there. It’s okay though, Hershel says ya gonna be fine. So I just need ya to rest up and then open up them pretty eyes. Okay, kid?” Daryl swallowed his tears as he watched you lay there, helpless.

Hours passed and different people came in to check on you but Daryl couldn’t keep track of who. He was too focused on you. After a while, your eyelids fluttered open and you woke up feeling severely disoriented.

“Y/N,” you heard someone call your name. The voice was echoey but familiar though you couldn’t quite place a face to the voice. That’s when you felt the weight in your hand and looked over the side of your bed though your vision was clouded with black blots. Bits and pieces of what happened slowly started to com back to you. The drug store, the man, the feeling of hitting the tiled floor when he pulled the trigger.

“Hey, kid. There’s them pretty eyes. You’re okay, ya need rest. Sleep, kid.” You heard the voice say. It sounded like a man.

“M’kay dad,” you slurred, “love you,” and you passed out again.

Daryl stared at you in shock as you fell back into a deep sleep. Sure, he had always thought of you as his daughter but hearing you call him “dad” made it so real. Letting a tear slip, he squeezed your hand and placed a kiss on your forehead.

You didn’t wake up again for a few hours and this time you remembered everything. Even calling Daryl “dad”. You mentally smacked yourself. Sure, you had thought of Daryl as a second father since your biological dad died but you knew he wasn’t one for emotions so you kept that to yourself.

Finally coming out of your thoughts you noticed the cell was empty and a sob escaped your mouth followed by a wince as you remembered your wound. Daryl was gone. Did you scare him away by calling him dad? What if he thought you were crazy?

In reality Daryl just had to use the bathroom and he was on his way back to your cell when he heard your sob. He ripped the curtain open and saw you awake and crying.

“Y/N,” he knelt down next to your bed, “what’s wrong, kid?” He gave you a moment to catch your breath before responding. “I thought you left me,” you said tearfully, breaking Daryl’s heart for the hundredth time in twenty four hours.

“Why would ya think that, kid?” Daryl was confused, he’d never abandon you and he thought you knew that. You hesitated before responding.

“Last night, I, uh, I called you dad. Thought I freaked you out and that you decided to leave me.” You admitted. Daryl was silent for a moment.

“I didn’t mind it,” he confessed. And it was true, he always saw you as his daughter and hearing you call him dad just felt right even if I was shocking.

“Really?” You questioned with wide eyes. He nodded at you. “So,” you hesitated, “would it be okay if I, uh, called you that from now on? I kinda of, um, seen you as a father since, uh ya know,” you trailed off. Daryl knew what you were referring to, the night your parents died.

“If you want ta,” he said, “I, um, I don’t mind it, kid.” You smiled at him.

“So then that makes you my Dad,” you smirked up at the man as he smiled down at you.

“Sure do, kid. Sure do. Now get some rest and heal up,” he patted your head and kissed your temple.

Looking at you smile at him before closing your eyes to sleep, Daryl silently promised to be the best father possible. He vowed to be nothing like his own father. You were his daughter, biological or not, and Daryl would protect you with everything he had.

[bookishofalder]

Pretty Girl - Epilogue

Summary: Happily ever after...

Warnings: Language, smut, fluff.  WC-3,860

A/N: Well, this was tough to write! I’ve been thinking so much about Pretty Girl and Flip these past few months that I couldn’t decide the best way to end this! Uhg, the emotions I have. Thank you for enjoying this story, I love you all! 

“Can I ask you a question, Flip?”

Flip glanced up from his paperwork to find (Y/N) coming toward him. She pulled an empty seat up next to his desk and took a seat, smiling. She had a couple of the oatmeal cookies she’d baked that morning and passed one to Flip, who took it gratefully. The bullpen was fairly quiet as it was late afternoon, and many of the detectives had either left for the day or were out on an assignment.

“Of course, darling.”

He watched as she crossed her legs, considering her words. She looked especially beautiful with her hair styled differently; he’d noticed she wore it down more often lately. He’d made one comment about liking her long hair and this was the result, it seemed. He wasn’t complaining, though he did find her distracting every time he saw her.

“I was thinking about that morning you showed up at my place and said you wanted to start driving me to work, remember?” He grinned in response, sliding his chair a little closer to hers, their knees touching.

“How could I forget?” Brushing his hand over her thigh, he winked down at her.

With a small laugh, she hit his hand away, “Come now, detective, we’re professionals,” She mock whispered, her eyes bright with laughter. “I was just wondering, what made you want to? I mean, I know you liked me, but you were determined to make it a routine, I could tell. Why?” (Y/N) tilted her head curiously as Flip thought over the question.

It wasn’t hard to remember the deeper reasoning he had gone through overnight when he'd made the decision.

He wanted to be the one to take care of her.

“I wanted,” He paused, glancing around at the now empty room, “You were always running around, taking care of everyone and smiling through it all, no matter what. Of course, I wanted to spend more time with you, outside of the office, and it was a good excuse. But moreover, it was the best way I could think to help you, make sure you were alright.” He shrugged, hoping his explanation made sense.

(Y/N) was giving him her best smile. She hopped to her feet, Flip straightened in his seat and welcomed her into his arms as she stepped between his legs. “Oh detective, you know I love you?” She sighed, hugging his head into her chest, her fingers carding through his hair gently.

Flip knew, but it was always so good to hear her say it.

+

Flip was hurrying around the CSPD’s large conference room, ensuring that all decorations, gifts and food looked perfect, even though he had no eye for this sort of thing whatsoever. He was feeling warm in his plaid shirt, so he quickly walked to the window and opened it to allow a breeze in. He was glad it was a sunny day, the light from outside brightening to wood-panelled room considerably, and casting a pleasant autumn glow within.  

Donna was arranging the cupcakes carefully, a smile on her face as she hummed and tweaked the position of one cupcake, though Flip didn’t see the difference it made. Which, he supposed, was exactly why he asked for her help in the first place. Ron was finishing moving the chairs to positions along the wall, and the room was beginning to fill with the rest of their colleagues, who were thankfully arriving on time and chatting amicably with one another, occasionally greeting Flip.

(Y/N) was going to arrive with Jimmy in about ten more minutes. His partner had graciously offered to pick her up due to Flip being required to come in early for an important meeting. Or at least, that was the story they told her, and she seemed to believe it. Really, he’d been working tirelessly with Ron and Donna to get the surprise party set up.

Glancing around the room one last time, Flip nodded to himself that everything looked perfect, stomping toward the door and turning to face the room. “Alright, everyone, stay here and stay quiet,” He called out as everyone fell silent, “Ron is on door duty here, so he’ll let you know when we’re coming back down the hall.” With that, he turned the lights off and exited the conference room, closing the door behind him.

His stomach was in twisted, anxious knots, but he was excited as well. When, a few weeks ago, (Y/N) had told Flip during one of their late-night baths that she couldn’t believe it had been nearly a year since she’d started at the station, he had made a plan. With the help of Donna, Ron and Jimmy, they were throwing her a surprise party in honour of the anniversary. At least, that was the story he’d told his friends.  

Sensing his nerves, Ron clapped Flip on the shoulder, “She’s going to love it, brother.”

With a curt nod and a brief smile at his friend, Flip made his way to the front desk to wait for Jimmy and (Y/N) to arrive. He was pleased to find the lobby quiet.

As he walked, he thought over the last year of his life and how much had changed. He remembered arriving at work that first day back, meeting her for the first time and making a fool of himself. Nearly knocking her onto her ass in his rush to apologize to her, wanting to fix her first impression of him. He’d never been affected by another person so wholly and suddenly before, as though she had a pull over him from the moment their eyes first connected.

He thought of the day that he slammed that rude man onto the counter in front of her. How he’d gone home that day and had to hurriedly relieve the pressure that had been building within over the weeks, as their friendship grew. The weeks of driving her to and from work in the torturously small cab of his truck as her scent seemed to spiral around him, the weeks of small touches, coy smiles, easy, flowing conversation. The guilt he'd felt after hitting that breaking point, and the realization throughout the following sleepless night. That he loved her, entirely and irrevocably.

That had been terrifying. Exhilarating.

He was pretty sure he’d go to his grave being able to remember every single detail of their first kiss.

That stormy night that she’d called him to help her, and he’d driven to her house so quickly he hadn’t had time to fully consider what could happen between them. The walls broke down so low in her dark, cold house, he didn't consider what it could lead to. And he was glad, grateful every day he hadn’t been sleeping well and her call had come in the middle of the night-it allowed his overthinking brain to simply fail him; his heart winning out. The moment they came together felt a lifetime in the making, as though every single action and moment in his entire life was meant to lead him into her arms, tangled together on the floor of her living room as they kept warm by the fire. It had been beautiful, perfection.

And now, they’d been living together for several months, and life was so, so good. They fell into an easy routine instantly once Flip had moved in, the days blending in a happy haze of domesticity. He felt whole for the first time in his life.

Flip had finally convinced her to take lessons with him at the gun range, even. Though he was inwardly regretting that because he’d discovered she was a better shot than him. Several of their colleagues had been at the range the day she proved that and quickly spread the word at work that the secretary had a better score than even the Sarge. When they gave her the nickname ‘Ace’, he had watched her dazzling smile light up the room and decided he was just fine with being second to her. And a little proud of his girl, as well.  

Flip perked up as (Y/N) and Jimmy came into his view, making their way to the front door. He stood straight, grinning as her eyes found his and a smile broke across her beautiful face. “Morning, pretty girl.” He said, swooping down and pecking her on the cheek as she approached, before passing her a coffee and her notepad.

“You know, Flip, Jimmy is much more talkative than you in the morning, I think I’d be alright with him giving me a ride every day.” She smirked at Flip, thanking him for the coffee and taking a sip, appearing completely at ease and unsuspecting. He hoped.

His eyes found Jimmy’s. The bastard was grinning. “You’ve been telling her embarrassing stories about me?”

Jimmy nodded, a mischievous glint in his eyes, “Of course.”

“You told her about the donut shop?”

“Naturally.”

With a groan, Flip wiped his hand down his face, (Y/N) giggling away at his embarrassment. “I’ll tell you my version, which is probably more accurate than Jimmy’s, after this meeting, darling.”

He gestured toward the conference room and they fell in step with him, Jimmy casually hanging back slightly. As they walked, Flip realized that she was wearing his favourite blue dress, the one she wore the first time he’d met her. She didn’t wear it as often nowadays, but clearly felt it made sense for the occasion, even though Flip technically wasn’t there on her first day of work.

Ron crossed the hall ahead and nodded to them, “Morning!” He cheered, before stepping into the room, no doubt signalling everyone inside to prepare. As they came to the door, Flip did two things; first, he grabbed her coffee out of her hands, wanting to avoid her sloshing it all over her outfit, and second he hit the lights on.

As everyone came into view, the room erupted, “SURPRISE!” Cheering and noisemakers paired with the decorations and the crowded room had (Y/N)‘s hands shooting to her face as she gasped in surprise. Flip beamed down at her, urging her further into the room.

“Oh!” When her hands lowered, Flip was delighted to see her bright smile, her eyes glistening slightly. Before she could look to him, she was swept into hug after hug, everyone wanting their turn to congratulate her on the anniversary and proclaim Flip as the organizer of the festivities. As she was moved around from each person, Flip stayed close. His hand pressed to her lower back both as a comfort to her, and a way to distract himself.

The Chief called for silence after a short while, standing next to the table that held all the food. Everyone turned to look at him expectantly. (Y/N) quickly stepped into Flip’s side, an arm snaking around his waist and squeezing him in a silent thank you as she grinned up at him. The knots in his stomach tightened, but he returned her smile with his own, hoping she couldn’t sense his unease at the moment.

“Thank you, everyone, for making it here today to help us celebrate (Y/N)‘s first year anniversary with us!” The Chief called, pausing for brief applause before continuing, “I don’t need to say it, but I’m going to anyway-(Y/N), you make this place a hell of a lot better to work in. You brought poor Donna’s blood pressure down,” Everyone laughed as Donna gave two thumbs up in confirmation, “You’ve organized this place and made it feel warm for not only the public but for each of us. You’re hard work and dedication have been mentioned to me time and time again. By colleagues, members of the public, and even the council! And, of course, you made us all put on a few extra pounds with your impeccable baking. Although we did have to outsource for today’s celebration, we do hope you’ll forgive us!”

As everyone clapped and cheered, Flip glanced down at (Y/N) and gave her a guilty grin, knowing full well she was going to confess to everyone. Giggling, she pointed at the beautifully decorated cupcakes behind the Chief, “No need to worry, Chief, I actually baked those.”

Ron looked around at her in surprise as everyone watched, “What? You baked fifty cupcakes? For your own surprise party?”

She shrugged, “Flip said that the Sarge asked for me to bake them, for a big meeting with the Mayor and council that I’m guessing isn’t happening. I didn’t question it.”

Ron turned to Flip, voicing the question on everyone’s minds, “Why did you make her bake-?”

Flip roared with laughter, “Are you kidding? This whole party would have been a waste if (Y/N) came in here and found out we got the desserts from anyone other than her,” Flip glanced down at (Y/N) to find her nodding heartily in agreement, “I think she had more fun baking last night than she will eating them today.” Again, she was bobbing her head, her cute grin widening.

At that, everyone burst into laughter, applauding (Y/N) for the hard work. With the knowledge that the desserts had been baked by their talented secretary, they all queued up and Donna passed them out. When everyone had either a drink or treat in hand and they refocused on (Y/N), she smiled shyly around, her hands still empty as Flip had asked Donna not to serve her until after he’d made his speech.

“Listen, thank you all so much. I love working here with all of you and I truly couldn’t be more grateful that you all took time out of your days to celebrate here with me,” She looked up at Flip, her eyes warm and happy, “And who knew this man was such a romantic, planning out a whole surprise party for me and giving me a night of busy baking! How lucky am I?”

Though Flip was sure everyone had laughed, his ears had started ringing the moment she had finished speaking and he couldn’t hear properly. His throat was thick, dry and he was sure he was sweating. Sensing the time had arrived, Flip glued his eyes to hers and swallowed.

(Y/N) followed Flip’s movements as he took a step away from her, his hand moving to his pocket while he slowly lowered himself down on one knee. Her eyes snapped up to Flip’s, mouth falling open as he pulled out the ring from his back pocket. The room went silent around them, so silent he could hear his heart beating furiously in his chest.

“Pretty girl,” His voice was low, because even though everyone would hear, the words were just for her, “You and I, we took our time at the start. But I’d never deny having loved you since that first time we met, and every day I’ve loved you more and more,” He held the ring a little higher, though her gaze-now was so intense he could almost hear her thoughts-never left his, “Today isn’t just about celebrating you working here. It’s about celebrating you and how lucky we all are, how fucking lucky I am to know you, to get to love you and have you love me back. I want to marry you and spend every day of the rest of our lives as your husband if you’ll have me.”

Silence. It stretched for a beat, and Flip didn’t know what exactly to expect, but a sense of calm came over him because he knew the look she was giving him; he could hear all the words she wouldn’t say out loud in front of their friends and colleagues, could see her answer on her face as though it were written in bold red pen. The silence was thick because no one else understood her the way Flip did. She was suddenly in his arms, tears streaming down her face as she cried out, “Of course I’ll marry you, detective!” And that silence lifted around them as everyone watching let out a breath.

But Flip hadn’t even needed to hear her say it. He already knew.

+

“Mrs. Zimmerman.”

(Y/N)’s eyes opened and met Flip’s as he stood over her. She was relaxing in the bath, the bubbles still fresh, covering his view of her curves. He’d worked a double that day and would have, really should have, bet that she would be waiting for him in there. Bathing together was one of their favourite ways to end the days.  

“You know, we’re engaged, detective. I don’t think you can call me that yet.” She replied smoothly, sitting up and bracing her elbows on the edge of the tub, smiling up at him. Flip dropped down to his knees and captured her lips with his in a brief kiss.

“Mrs. Zimmerman, pretty girl, (Y/N),” He punctuated each name with a kiss, and she giggled in response. “I’ll call you whatever you want if you let me join you.” He growled, and she giggled in response. Scooting forward to allow him room to sit, her eyes watched him as he stripped and climbed in behind her.

They lay together in the bath for a while in comfortable silence. (Y/N) traced lazy patterns along his upper leg, her head lolling against his chest. When Flip’s mind began to wander to more intimate thoughts, the evidence pressed into (Y/N)’s back and captured her attention.  

“Detective,” She murmured, sitting forward and turning in the water so that she could straddle Flip’s lap. He helped her, huffing out a breath when she settled down and his erection pressed between them. “I’ve been thinking about the wedding, and I agree with you. A backyard wedding next May, it sounds perfect.” She kissed along his jaw, her hands on his chest, which was rising and falling quickly in anticipation.

“Darling, you sure?” He cupped her face in his large hands and pulled back somewhat to look her in the eyes. She smiled, nodded in response, and Flip straightened in excitement. “Does this mean you want to go ahead with the offer on the Lower Gold Camp Road house?”

“I may have already called Edmund back and gave him the go-ahead.” (Y/N) replied, her smile brightening as Flip let out a whoop. “He hasn’t called back yet, not sure if the Riley’s accepted the offer.”

Overwhelmed, Flip gathered her in his arms and pressed his lips to hers, “They loved the cookies you brought, there’s no way they could say no.” He reassured her, feeling confident that the old Riley couple had adored them and would accept their offer. The house had been a lucky find, as it was right next to Bear Creek Regional Park in Old Colorado City. It had a huge back yard, expansive kitchen and the master bath had a giant stand-alone bathtub that could fit them just as well as the one they were currently soaking in.  

(Y/N) reached down between their bodies, her hand gripping Flip’s erection, pulling a thick moan from his throat. “Probably won’t hurt to celebrate early, in that case, right?” And before he could respond, she raised herself over him and slowly sunk down, taking his length inch by inch as they both groaned. Flip’s eyes rolled back.

“Fuck,” He breathed, as her tight warmth clenched around him, so familiar and blissful. His hands dropped to her hips, where he gripped hard enough to leave bruises and helped lift and drop (Y/N) onto him. Their sounds; moans and wet slaps and curses echoed around the tiled bathroom as she bounced eagerly. Flip slid one hand up her back, pressing her body closer so that he could lean down and capture a pointed bud in his mouth, licking and sucking to pull more whines, more sighs of his name from her lips. “That’s it, pretty girl, bounce on my cock, you take me so fucking well sweetheart.” Her moans increased, the pleasure building quickly for them both as they moved together.

They came at the same time, riding over the crest of pleasure as they clung to one another in the bathtub and water sloshed over the sides, soaking the floor. It took a few minutes to come down from the high, (Y/N) collapsed onto Flip’s chest with her legs bent somewhat awkwardly on either side of his thick thighs. They relaxed, working to catch their breath before moving.

Part of Flip could have happily topped up the water in the tub and remained soaking for another hour, but the shrill sound of the phone ringing pulled them both back to reality before he could suggest it. (Y/N) hopped up on shaky legs to race into the bedroom and answer the call.

Her recovery after sex always reminded him of their age gap; there was no way he’d have gotten up that quickly after such a mind-blowing orgasm. He chuckled to himself, pulling the plug to let out the water, the sound of it draining loud enough to block him from hearing who might be on the phone. He quickly dried himself off and grabbed (Y/N) a towel before walking into the bedroom and catching her gaze, his head tilted curiously.

Her eyes were bright, cheeks flushed, and distractingly her body glistened with water. She thanked whoever was on the line as he draped her towel around her shoulders, and then she set the phone back down. “It was Edmund.” Her voice was low, even. Unreadable.

Flip stepped back, “And?” His eyes examined her face, excitement bubbling within.

“And,” Her grin gave her away, but Flip let her have the moment, “They accepted our offer!”

With a roar of joy, Flip lifted (Y/N) into his arms and spun them around. She laughed loudly, her hands gripping his shoulders. Her towel fell, forgotten on the floor as they celebrated the news of the success of buying their first home together.

Flip laid (Y/N) down on their bed and climbed over her, his hands tracing along every inch of her body. He kissed and licked every part of her until she was writhing beneath him with need. And as their bodies came together, he thought of how this beautiful woman had come into his life. How she had altered it so completely. As he moved, drawing out the best of her sounds, he remembered their first time together and he was in awe that it still felt just as amazing, just as perfect and all-encompassing and right.

He’d never thought he deserved to be so happy, that he could make another person feel the same way about him. And yet as he made love to (Y/N) again, in celebration of the home they would get married, have children and grow old together in, he realized it wasn’t that he deserved her. No, it was about spending every single day together like it was their first and last day on earth, it was about making every moment count that they were lucky enough to have with one another because they were soulmates.  

“Pretty girl,” Flip breathed out her name between their moans and gasps, “I love you.”

“Oh detective, you know I love you too.”

And he did know.

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Tag list ✨

@tashastrange89 @finn-ray-nal-beads @fizzywoohoo @iamnotthecatladynextdoor @morby @pradaxstyles @10blurredsmoke10 @mermaidxatxheart @paintballkid711

[pucksnsticksnhockeyboys]

distraction

request: 28 and 55 with tyson jost pleaseee??? it can be both of them together or just one of them, thank you!

prompt: “Technically, this is illegal. But you look adorable, so I'll let it slide.” & “Anything for you, ‘cause you kinda scare me, not going to lie.” / numbers 28 & 55 off of this list with Tyson Jost.

summary: you find out your ex has been saying some unsavory things about you and Tyson helps to distract you.

warnings: none

word count: 2.5k

requested by: anon

If there was one thing you hated, it was liars. Another thing you couldn't stand was cheaters. Which is why you were so heated after you found out your ex was telling all of your mutual friends that you had cheated on him. With your best friend, of all people.

You were seeing red.

You had thought the relationship had ended on good terms nearly four month back. You simply realized that you didn’t have feelings for him anymore, so instead of leading him on you broke with him. He had told he felt the same as you and you both went your separate ways.

Clearly, he had been lying about not being upset over the breakup, since you had just gotten off the phone with his sister. She had called you, and you sat in confusion listening to her yell at you for disrespecting her brother for all of forty seconds before you set the record straight. Then, you spent the next five minutes after the phone call ended contemplating the best ways to get back at him. 

You were flushed with anger, storming out of your apartment with your best friend Tyson hot on your heels. He had been hanging out at yours for a movie before he had to leave the next day for a road trip when you got the call, and he was the one your ex accused you of cheating on him with. The very one you had a massive crush on and who you really wouldn't mind hooking up with, but you were not a cheater. No one knew about your feelings for Tyson, so there really was no romantic relationship between the two fo you. 

“Where are we going?” Tyson asked, a hesitant grin shining through his confusion. He saw you get angry, and then curse out your ex, but you hadn't filled him in on what had gotten you so worked up so quickly. A glance over your shoulder told you he was checking to make sure your door was locked before making his way over to you by the elevator. You were almost mad enough to take the stairs, almost, but you were on the seventh floor and not everyone could be a professional athlete like Tyson.

“We’re going to kill my ex.” You spoke to him for the first time since the phone call as the elevator doors opened. Once you stepped in, you crossed your arms over your chest and leaned against the back wall, allowing Tyson to push the button for the bottom floor. After doing so, he mimicked your position on the wall adjacent to you, with his arms crossed but less angry and more relaxed. You chastised yourself for the way your heart skipped a beat at how attractive he looked, even when he was grinning at you like he knew something you didn't. 

“Technically, this is illegal. But you look adorable, so I'll let it slide.” He teased, and you stuck your leg out to kick him gently in the shin as a punishment for his comment, his only reaction a chuckle. If your heart had skipped a beat by him just being attractive, it was surely racing at his comment. You hated how easily he was able to distract you from your anger. “Can I at least know why we’re about to go murder him?”

“He’s telling people I cheated on him.” You confessed, not expecting how fast Tyson’s happy-go-lucky smile would drop from his face and a frown would take its place. You almost regretted telling him what happened, because the frown did not suit him as much as the smile. But he needed to know, since he not only was your closest friend but the rumor involved him—the tiny detail you had left out and were now dreading telling him. 

“He’s a jerk.” Tyson commented and the juvenile comment almost made you crack a smile. Yes, your ex was a jerk, but you were focused more on trying to string together a way to tell Tyson the second part. You weren't sure how he’d react, and the idea of him getting even more upset had you shifting on your feet. 

“That’s not all.” You mumbled, anger suddenly replaced with unease. It wasn't that Tyson was unnerving you, but you were so in your own head about how your recently realized feelings for him were going to change the dynamic between you. Tyson raised his brow at you in silent question, but you didn't notice with your gaze trained on your shoes. “He’s telling everyone I cheated with, uh, you.”

You waited for a moment, trying to gauge Tyson’s response without having to actually look at him. When you reached the bottom floor and the doors dinged open, he still hadn't said anything. Your heart was pounding in your chest and you finally lifted your gaze to his, only to be disappointed to see an unreadable look on his face. His brows were furrowed, lips pressed into a line as he studied you.

“Come on.” He muttered, grabbing your wrist and tugging on it, getting you to follow him out of the elevator and across the lobby. His hold on you wasn't all the necessary, you were certain you would follow him across the world if he simply asked. 

“Now where are we going?” You prompted, following Tyson’s lead and climbing into the passenger side of his car that was parked outside your building. You didn't care much that he was taking you somewhere, you and him both knowing that you were far too annoyed to be sitting in your apartment. 

“You’ll see.” Part of you was glad he started driving in the opposite direction of your ex’s place, you really weren't up for confrontation now that your initial surge of anger dissipated. 

You watched as Tyson turn on the radio, recognizing it as being one the both of you know. He started to sign obnoxiously, exaggerating the pitch of the song and doing dances that made you giggle despite your horrible mood. You knew he was doing it on purpose, he always had a knack for knowing just when you needed cheering up. 

He looked so adorable, turning to serenade you at every red light, that you couldn't help but join in for the next song. 

“What’re we doing here?” You questioned, turning the volume down on the radio so he could actually hear you. You were facing out the window, watching the building he pulled in front of with amusement. It was a local ice rink, one that Tyson had taken you to a few times. 

“We’re going to do something fun, and not think about your jerk of an ex at all. A distraction.” Tyson stated matter of factly, and you playfully rolled your eyes at him. It was no surprise to you that Tyson had an extra pair of his skates in the back, and you waited for him as he pulled them out. When you headed towards the doors, Tyson did something that was a bit out of the ordinary—he laced his fingers through yours, tugging you closer to him by your interlocked hands. You weren't complaining, but you were almost certain he could hear your heart thumping in your chest.

Now, it was no secret that you were not the best skater. Tyson had tried to teach you, but the lessons almost always ended you with on your butt and him laughing at you. So after Tyson had paid for your tickets and rented your skates—he didn't even let you think about taking your wallet out to pay for yourself before he was handing the cash over—you didn't have to ask him to help you lace up your skates. 

“I’m going to embarrass myself in front of a bunch of families.” You groaned, holding your leg out as Tyson did up your skate. Your gaze was focused on the rink, seeing that there were dozens of people out there already. You watched a child whizz by, and you suddenly grew nervous, aware of just how much a fool you were going to look out there. 

“We could get you one of the walkers to like that kid.” Tyson teased, gesturing to small child desperately trying to stay upright as her parents stood nearby. You knew you weren't going to look nearly as adorable as her once you got out there. 

“I swear, Jost, if you ditch me out there like you usually do to show off your cool hockey skills, I will end you.” You threat fell short, the corners of your lips turning upwards and Tyson outright laughed at you. The sound was comforting, and you found yourself forgetting just why you had stormed out of your apartment just twenty minutes earlier. He had finished your skates and was doing up his own silently. When he finished, he was pulling you up out of your seat and you stumbled slightly. You weren't even on the ice yet and your balance was already off. “You better stay with me the whole time.”

“Anything for you, ‘cause you kinda scare me, not going to lie.” He teased and you moved to shove his shoulder playfully, but the action affected you more than him and he had to catch your waist to keep you on your feet. “Easy there, killer.” 

Learning your lesson rather quickly, you kept your hands to yourself and instead opted to glare at him. He chuckled, leaving his arm on your hip as he led you to the edge of the ice. He stepped on easily, disconnecting himself from you as he skated two paces away before turning back to face you. Your grip was tight on the edge of the wall, feet planted just outside the rink. 

“Come on, don’t you trust me?” Tyson teased, and by the grin on his face you knew he was planning something. You didn't think twice, responding out of instinct and honesty.

“Yeah, but—” Except you didn't get to finish, because suddenly Tyson had skated back towards you and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest with your feet off the ground. And then he was setting you down on the ice just far enough that the wall was out of your reach. By then, your senses had come together enough for you reach a hand out and grip his forearm, not letting him get far. “What the hell was that for?”

“You were taking too long.” He said simply, a giddy smile on his face. You feigned offense at his comment, but you quickly had to turn all your attention to the skates sliding on the ice, making sure your feet didn't slide out from underneath you. Once you found your balance, you let go of Tyson’s arm. He had other plans, capturing your hands in his as he started to skate backwards, pulling you with him.

“You’re supposed to be nice to me.” You mumbled, using focusing on your feet as an excuse to hide you rosy cheeks from him. He was being extra touchy-feely today, and it was driving you crazy. 

“I’m always nice to you.” Tyson grinned, to which you rolled your eyes, despite knowing he was telling the truth. He was the sweetest person you knew, which was one of the many reasons you found yourself in the unfortunate situation of falling in love with your best friend. 

As you skated around the rink, Tyson kept his hands locked in yours and his gaze on you unless he was checking over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to run someone over. It was nice, and it was a good distraction from what had started the whole afternoon. 

But that was Tyson, he was your best friend. He always knew how to get your mind off of what was bothering you. You knew you still had to deal with the rumors that your ex was spreading, but that wasn't what was important to you currently. You were skating around with your best friend that made you laugh at every one of his dumb comments, the one who held your heart and was doing excellent work taking care of it. If he was fishing for your smile, which you knew he was, he was doing a good job.

“Would it really be that bad if people thought we were together?” Tyson’s question was so casual, and he wasn't even facing you when he said it. He was looking over his shoulder when he caught you off guard, so when he turned back you saw the seriousness in his eyes. 

“People think I’m a cheater, Tyson.” You reasoned, watching with furrowed brows as his cheeks reddened. 

“Yeah, no, I get that’s bad and we definitely have to make sure people know nothing happened between us yet—” He cut himself off when his brain finally caught up with his words. Your eyes went wide, searching for the meaning behind what he said. 

“Yet?” You questioned his word choice and suddenly he was being shy. You were used to the goofy Tyson, so him suddenly hiding his face from you by looking down meant he had been thinking about the possibility of the two of you becoming more than friends. The thought had your heart racing and unable to string a coherent thought together, but when he tried to let go of your hands you just tightened your grip. His head shot up, his hopeful gaze meeting yours. 

You couldn't hold yourself back anymore. You used your conjoined hands to pull yourself flush against him, only then dropping his grip to instead wrap your arms around his neck and bring him down into a kiss. 

The kiss did not last long, at all, because when you pulled yourself to him, you did so with so much force your feet flew out from underneath you. Luckily, Tyson had already wrapped you in his arms so he caught you easily. You weren't hurt, but your ego was badly bruised when he let out a laugh at your expense.

“Shut up.” You groaned, dropping your head on his chest. Once his giggles died down, he moved one hand from around you to tilt your head up to face him. You face was bright red, but he was smiling wider than you’d ever seen him do, which was saying something. 

“I think we need to work on your skating.” He teased, and before you had the chance to come up with a response he silenced you with another kiss, one that didn't result on you almost landing on your butt, no matter how much your legs felt like jelly. When you pulled away you were breathless, despite the kiss not lasting very long since you were aware of the families skating around you. 

“You know, this was a pretty good distraction.”

[froggy-fics]

Long Past Dawn Ch.1

[Aaaah, okay so this is the first chapter of what I hope to be many! The ending is a little rushed but I hope its still enjoyable! Any comments, feedback, and/or advice is greatly welcomed. Also note the oc is nonbinary. This has been proofread by me but I may have missed things!]

WC: 3,054

The downpour outside lulled us into a quiet meditative conversation.Two Americans and two Canadians, a count of four in total, all of us students in search of degrees in education. 

Daniel spoke first, breaking the silence, a talent of his. "So," he started, "why did the rest of you get into teaching? Personally, I just want to work until I get tenure and then wild out, just absolutely go off" he guffawed, turning to another member of our party, Angel.

I hated to look at her as she smiled at the rest of us, her teeth just looked too perfect and I hated them. They were in my uncanny Valley, along with her. "I just, I don't know ya know. Kids are our future and I feel as if it's my calling to nurture that" her too perfect teeth suddenly curtained by her lips as a tight smile made an appearance on her face. 

It's my turn, a panic and sweat washing me in discomfort. "Um, well, I actually don't know. I think I'm just trying to make up for the shitty teachers I had early on in my learning" Clearing my throat I continued on, "I just feel as a mentally ill child I didn't get the care or attention I needed so I want to make up for that" I finished and gave a smile to fake a sense of calm.

Dante, our last compatriot suddenly hitting my knee, "No I feel the same! I feel as though the education system we have as of currently constantly fails those it should be helping and I want to end the cycle of educational neglect!" The words raced from him in a flurry, only to be met with my excited agreement, noise and discomfort from Angel and Daniel. Turning to me he spoke more, "Fabel, you and I, are the only two people here with any pure intent" in a shaming tone that made me chuckle.

Peeking over to a clock in the hostel room we shared the clock read 3:30 am. Our professor for the trip wanted us to stay up and go on a hike sleep deprived for some arbitrary lesson to learn how to cope under stress. Hitting my head off the wall I groaned, I didn't want to be in a foreign country sleep deprived. A shared glance and emotion feel upon us, frustration. We signed up for this, yes, but we felt as if the man who was supposed to teach us meant to belittle us. We all just needed a foreign language credit and all had picked Romanian at our respective schools, thus the event that led to our meeting. Breathing in before I rose to guzzle down another cup of coffee and grabbing the cup Daniel had suddenly flung out. The sound of rain and the smell of coffee was a perfect sleep mixture, unfortunately nothing can be perfect I found as I rubbed my eyes with my hands.

The room we resided in was average I suppose, this being my first hostel experience, plenty of room for the professor but he refused. The bunks were comfortable and the amenities worked so that's all we needed. The carpet was the best part, resembling a movie theater carpet which kept popping up in conversations. Everyone was staring into the center of the room suddenly, thoughts and movement ceased, our moving chests the only sign of life. Breaking my trance I my eyes moved to peer outside the window all of us neglected to close, instead leaving it to people watch and be generally nosey. The town we stayed in was large and seemingly filled with life. The fact that we could stay here and learn more lessons than driving hundreds of miles for a silly hike to stroke some guy's ego suddenly got to me. My chest tightened as I then remembered Daniel and his lack of coffee.

Hours had passed and the dawn was coming in just some hours as we had begun packing for the day. Angel had been seemingly the most affected, refusing to consume caffeine she began to whine to herself as she stumbled about. Daniel and Dante were throwing themselves into each other to aid in waking up even slightly. Embarrassingly, I stood and did theater exercises to help myself wake a bit. Down the hall through the door we could hear a throat clearing and coming towards us, we freezed in anticipation. 

“Good to see you kids awake! I never thought you would’ve been and hoped for a teaching moment” Our professor seemingly lamented, teaching moments his name for public humiliation and being treated like a child. I refused to learn his name, if he wouldn't show respect towards us I wouldn't show any towards him. He starts to move his body like a swiveling fan observing our room. His eyes attempting to find any mistakes, none would be found. We stood, ready for our day with bags filled as he stood like he was the embodiment of the law or something of equal importance. Finally deciding we were of his approval he clasped his hands together he began to speak in his yell-talk style.

"As you may remember me saying all week, today we will be driving to a remote part of the country for a hike. This will teach you leadership, team work, and how to rely on others. Now, this hike won't be easy nor for the faint of heart, but I know you kids should be fine" he finally spit out, his face showing a smile but his eyes betrayed him. His chest rose as he breathed and began to turn, a blessing to us as a group a few moments of reprieve needed. You could almost feel the tension in the room leaving with him. 

Realizing I had been picking at my thumbs the entire time I breathed in and shifted my weight on to my other foot. 

"I don't understand people like that. They go into teaching and act superior off some perceived amount of knowledge" I spoke with a grouchy tone. "You're not fulfilling your duty as a teacher, you're just being a dick" I spat forward as a follow-up.

"And he doesn't even offer constructive criticism, it's just straight public humiliation" Angel grumbled in agreement. Her eyes focused on the floor, brows furrowing as she continued, "he's also just plain rude. Literally has said nothing nice. I can only imagine what people say behind his back about him" she said, finally looking up and shaking her head.

Both Dante and Daniel stood like pillars, hands gripped on the straps on their backpacks. Daniel finally breaks their silence.

 

"He has off vibes, like something about him isn't settling with me" the sentence sends a chill in the room. "He's just - he's rancid. That's all I can say" he finished looking up at the ceiling suddenly.

Dante said nothing and just began to march from the room like a man possessed, we filled behind him reluctantly. The sentence "Fabel Zając faces the music" kept running through my mind. Feeling a tugging sensation I turned to look at Angel who gave a sheepish look, only asked, "Fabel, can I hold your hand? I'm nervous" thankful to have a way to stave off the panic in me rising and the ringing taking over my ears, I quickly agreed and both of us gripped hands. She wasn't a bad girl at all, I just hated her smile. She grew up in a religious home which gave her her constitution, truly you could see she was just a sweet girl. Just awkward with those outside her church. I looked forward again to see Dante's back, I reached up and tapped his shoulder and he turned to look at me as I smiled up at him and gave a wave. He laughed and waved back. Turning back again to look at Daniel, he was looking up at the ceiling of the hallway we walked through, I started to make faces at him until he gave me attention. Angel's giggles quickly gave it and he returned the faces. It brought all of us up as we giggled and leaned on one another in fits. Finally we made it to the main door, we stood and spotted our professor, he stood by a jeep and was messing around in the back. We all took a final breath and stepped out of the hostel into the cold hazy morning.

Shivering as we shuffled towards him, hopeful he would ignore us as we loaded ourselves into the vehicle, Daniel taking the front passenger seat, Dante sitting behind him, I in the middle, and Angel behind the professor. Thankfully, he did ignore us as we all began to text our respective families about our safety and the day ahead of us ensuring them we'd be okay. I shut off my phone and closed my eyes, letting my head back as I heard a grunt and the starting of our engine.

Hours had passed as the sun began to break more, it felt like purgatory. Nothing but static could be heard over the radio which caused an uproar from all members, the one moment all of us truly agreed. The urge to cry hit me, I wanted to be back in the hostel in town amongst people. I had a sinking feeling all morning and it only worsened. Suddenly a pop broke my thoughts as we began to swerve on the road. 

"I don't have a spare" The professor mumbled.

"Excuse me! What do you mean you don't have one!" I snarled out. 

"How could you not!?" Dante continued the line of questioning.

"I mean I don't have one, I had to make room for other bodies!" The professor spat.

"Dude, what's your problem? You've been a dick since we got here and now you endanger us?" Daniel then shouted over us all. 

Angel in a moment of complete stress shreaked, almost destroying our eardrums.

We then sat in silence for a moment, all of us thinking.

"We're hours from anywhere aren't we?" Dante finally spoke.

"Yes, Dante, we are" The professor huffed out, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We'll just have to walk to find help, I'm sure it shouldn't be long" he followed by unbuckling his seat belt.

Angel, following his lead, swung her legs over the ground and hopped from the jeep. Daniel rolled his eyes, popped his knuckles and followed. Dante looked at me in the rear view, he put his head back, shook it and also followed them. I sat and finally before they were too far my resolve diminished and I jumped out and ran after them. 

Hours had passed, all of us had blisters, and we had multiple arguments until we stumbled upon the outside of a village. Huffing for air I silently thanked the universe as I bent to put my hands on my knees, my chest burning. The buildings and fencing looked old, as if the people were stuck in time; appearing abandoned and void of residents, our professor began to march in yelling for help. The pit in my stomach grew as we all shared a glance and followed despite our better judgment.

Panic began to rise in my chest as I turned to my group mates after finding myself in the front. The looks I turned to see were full of fear, as I assumed mine was a match. I held my hand out to Dante as I had found myself closer to him, "let's hold hands, I'm scared" he nodded and grasped my hand quickly. Every structure was made of wood and pathways would seemingly lead to dead ends and blocks. After a never ending amount of complications and no one our professor let out a roar of frustration. 

This is where the trouble truly began, the roar back we never expected or saw in our future. They sounded animalistic and primal, nothing a human could ever produce. All our eyes locked in that moment, the calm before a storm. My legs took over me and I began to run praying that my speed came to be like Hermis. Barreling into an empty home I looked for any place I could hide, whimpers and whines escaping my throat as I heard noises only comparable to dogs, but much larger and monstrous. Cramming myself under a bed and snuggling to the wall I waited, hand over mouth shaking with ragged breathing. Closing my eyes I let go of the tears I had been holding in allowing myself to let my mind wander to the worst possibilities about my friends, how my pets wouldn't understand, how painful my end would be all causing my body to assault me with tears. Finally, the noises subsided slowly as I could hear the beasts running further into the village. Breathing in huffes of air I steel myself with resolve and crawl agonizingly slow from my spot. I crouch and make for the door, creeping to it and cracking it open like a cold one with the boys, I peer and think of my options, deciding on finding my way back to the gate at the opening of the village. I dashed out and scramble to my right, realizing quickly I'm lost, I just keep running.

Luck wasn't on my side as I found out, finding myself at the edge of the village, during my run a few of the creatures circled back causing me to scramble for cover. The attempt was unsuccessful and one had dug a claw in my leg, slicing the meat. Still I kept running and hiding, at one point I dove for another house, barricading the door and breaking through the floor to run out from below the house as they were on top. I had only made it to the center of the village before my body gave up leaving me on the ground, my blood pooling around me as I fought for consciousness. As the world faded a shadow formed in my vision accompanied with boot steps, a cold hard object lifted my chin and moved my head back and forth as a hum met my ears.

"You're tough, you'll be useful" followed by a chuckle caught my attention. Useful, for what? The question didn't stay long as my head finally became cloudy and I left reality. 

The stick of a factory caused me to stur in a groggy state. It was a soft hum, the machinery reminding you of its presence. My head hurt and the smell of oil and metal not helping in the thumping. The mattress I felt under my hands was thin enough to bring my attention to the springs of the frame. I grunted as I forced myself to sit up, finding my wounds covered and as I'd hoped stitched. I let my body fall back and slightly bounce as I began to cry and rock. I rolled to be on my side and hug myself as I try to choke back my noises not knowing what other danger I could be in. Suddenly the sound of footsteps broke my thoughts and caused my heart to leap. Pulling the covers over my head like a child I burrowed underneath hoping to feign sleep. Wiping my eyes and nose I try to control my breathing, I lay as still as I can and wait, the steps getting closer causing the beating in my ears to grow as my chest restricted and panic set in causing goosebumps to cover my body. 

"You're not asleep" I heard followed by a chuckle as tears sprang to my eyes again, I was going to be sick. "C'mon and quit your hiding" despite sounding like a request I could tell it was an order as I snaked my arm to the top of the blanket as quickly as my shaking body could manage. It wouldn't be that difficult of a task as I'd learn, the blanket being ripped from me. I threw my arm over my face and withdraw into a ball, similar to how I learned as a child during tornado drills, just on my side. It must've been funny to my capture as he burst with a chuckle. 

"I won't hurt you, after all look at you, you already look half dead." 

"Promise?" I sound like a child, I could only assume the lycans he mentioned were what attacked earlier, and as for the bitch I hadn't a clue nor a care.

After a snort a reply was given, "I won't make promises for later, but for now we'll see." It wasn't promising, but it was all I had.

I unfurled myself with a whimper, not realizing just how much it would hurt after my sudden movements. Slowly I rolled over to observe my savior and capture. He was tall or at least from this angle he was, salt and pepper beard and hair with what looked like a leather cowboy hat adorning his head, a trench coat and combat boots. My first thought was he must be a military larper of some sort, part of me fighting a laugh as I managed to rub my eyes and groan. The thing stopping me in my tracks was the giant metal hammer, no regular person could use such a thing causing my fear to spike once again. The grin he gave was full of malice and looked predatory, the inability to see his eyes only added to his aura. The full realization of the situation hit me as I freely began to cry as he studied me. I could die here or worse with this wolf left to lick up what I leave, what proof did I have that he wasn't already planning on it. Shaking my head as I tried to get out anything but sobs I found him laughing at me again, seeming to enjoy my response of overwhelmed fear to him. 

"You'll be perfect!" He declares, "finally I can get rid of that bitch." He says voice shaking with rage as he bares his teeth like a dog. My fate seemingly sealed as all I could do was let myself freely weep and a stranger laughed at me.

[thrushpot]

thick as thieves

“I am going to give you angst because... let’s face it, we love it. two and five.” requested by @fortheloveofhargrove​

#2: “Close the door.”

#5: “Why are you helping me?” from dialogue prompts

warning(s): swearing

a/n: takes place in California, starting as Billy being a dickish 15 y/o. it goes on from there, you’ll know when there’s a little time skip. enjoy:)

—

“Jesus, what’s it gonna take to get you to stop squirming?”

“You are about to stick a needle in my ear, I think I’m allowed to be a little nervous. Won’tchu just cut me some slack, alright?” Billy snaps back at you, no doubt getting wound up because of the risk he’s taking doing this.

Billy has his arms tightly grasped around a throw pillow he stole from the couch, bracing himself for the upcoming pain of doom. His eyes have been squeezed shut as you take the melting ice cube between your fingers and delicately hold it up behind his earlobe. You’ve yet to even puncture him with the needle and he’s already sweating buckets. The teenage boy had asked you to hurry up and get it over with three times already, not even helping you out the slightest bit by staying still while bossing you around either. Typically, your role being the ‘smart one’ in your long lasting friendship would assign you the task of talking him out of wanting to do a foolish thing like this. On one hand, he had plenty of safer alternatives as opposed to going to you, an amateur, for getting the accessory punched in to his ear.

This ever changing dynamic of your platonic relationship had been set aside by the boy since you two started high school this year. He stopped taking the bus with you to and from school since his temperamental father started giving him lessons on how to drive. Another petty example of pretending he didn’t even know you was saying nothing when he passed by you in the halls, or stopped ringing you late at night when he needed help studying or just to talk. Other small things had added up to you barely hearing from him unless he wanted something from you; in this case, a free piercing job. It was hard to deny, but you’d refused to confess how your heart jumped at the opportunity of spending an evening with him again just like old times.

Unsurprisingly, the teenage boy didn’t bother making small talk about his day or giving you virtually any clue about the trouble he had been up to during these recent weeks ghosting you. Of course Billy didn’t care much for what you had to say either, he only wanted one thing and one thing only.

“Stop being a brat for five seconds, then I’ll cut you some slack,” you bite back. He’d rolled his eyes then gasped harshly at the sight of you picking up the freshly cleaned and heated needle from the coffee table. “Want me to count to three or surprise you?”

“Uh, surprise me.”

“Kay. What is this even for, anyway? Last I checked this one’s the gay ear,” you snort, watching him freeze up and widen his anxious blue eyes.

“Wait, WHAT!” he howled in a panic, giving you the perfect opportunity to stick the sharp end right through the lobe, watching him cringe and practically catch flies with his wide open mouth. “Ow, fuck!”

“You told me you wanted it to be a surprise,” you smugly point out, wiping your hands on a napkin after finishing the favor. He sends you a glare at your trickery before getting up and going to the mirror that hangs in your living room.

“Hell yeah. Not too shabby, Y/N. Thanks,” he smirks at his reflection, scoping out the brand new element to his ‘cool guy’ image. Not taking his eyes off his appearance, the boy continues fiddling with his hair and turning his head at different angles to inspect the fresh hole in his lobe. You’ve sat back and crossed your arms, rolling your eyes so far back at his disgusting vanity. He might as well be humping and kissing the mirror right in your own damn house. After getting noticed by all of the popular pretty girls and patted on the back by all the designated cool guys, he thinks his dick grew over ten feet in size or something, and you’ve been downgraded on his list of priorities.

Being the best of buds since elementary school, Billy’s had your back along every step of the way growing up. You’d write all the answers to tests on his forearm for him, he’d keep all the bullies away from you. Each of you would take turns sharing lunch every week. His favorite thing to gobble up at any given chance was your squeezable applesauce, and your favorite snack coming from his lunchbox was always string cheese. There was barely ever a moment you’d be seen without each other.

Middle school went by in a flash of painful and awkward moments, but despite all the friends he made in Little League Baseball, he for some reason still stuck around with you. Maybe you couldn’t do the same sleepovers like you used to as pre-pubescent children, but he’d still give you your favorite string cheese and hugged you tight whenever you wore a frown.

Now, both in your freshman year of high school, things weren’t as easily labeled as black or white. There were cliques and expectations that Billy abided by, and you just didn’t fit in with any of that. Instead of letting you down easy, it was more of a hurtful shock the day he decided to ditch you at lunch for the girls that had been eyeballing him during gym class. Now, not only did he try his best to bury your friendship somewhere deep and never touch it again, you’d went great lengths to avoid any confrontation with him or his posse.

That all just went to shit for the first time today, when he approached you about said earring. You didn’t know how to say no, and you weren’t sure you could if you tried.

“Okay, Kiefer Sutherland, you got what you asked. Why the hell would you want some douchey hanging earring anyway? That a new trend or somethin’ I don’t know about?” you ask, not hiding your judgement the slightest bit. He throws his denim jacket over his bare shoulder exposed from the muscle tee he’d been wearing, then gives you a cheeky grin before answering.

“Sammy Anderson from bio said it’d look good on me. You know her, brunette with the legs. She thinks it’s pretty gnarly,” he nods his head back and forth, sucking his bottom lip with his teeth before not long after snapping out of whatever daze he had been in.

“Since when did you even give a shit what people thought looked good on you?”

“Since they started actually telling me,” he shrugs, not caring how pathetic it may be that he went through all this trouble just for one off-hand comment some girl from class made. You hide your scoff with a forced laugh, walking passed him and bumping shoulders on your way to the kitchen. Billy furrows his brows at your attitude and the diss, following you to where you’ve been preparing a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios for yourself.

“‘S the matter with you, huh? I thought you wanted to hang out again,” he asks, confused by the conflicting mixed signals you’d been sending. You chomp on your Cheerios and take your time swallowing the satisfying bite before looking up at him.

“I never said that.”

“Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but who called whose house every night then turned into a jealous bummer as soon as one of them started making better friends?” he asks rhetorically, petting his chin and pretending like it’s some thought provoking question. You can’t believe the audacity he had calling you a jealous bummer when he left you for good without batting an eye at the loss of friendship. Your chair screeched as it dragged on the floor when you stood up out of it, keeping your bowl in your arms before showing him the door. You nod your head towards the exit wordlessly as Billy stubbornly stays put, not through with his point yet.

“Well, Kiefer, this bummer is asking you to leave. I got you your stupid fucking earring like I promised, and let’s hope you know how to keep it from getting infected, otherwise I’m done listening to you and your new inflated ego.” you finished, ending your speech with a slurp of the milk from your cereal bowl, waiting for him to take himself out. Billy calls it a day, shaking his head and saying more pussy accusations under his breath before making it to the door, stopping to invade your space.

“This better not be in the fuckin’ gay ear, or you’ll be hearing from me again, just so you know—“

And with that, you slammed the door in his face and locked it before sauntering back to the kitchen, carefree as you pour yourself another bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.

—

Your freshman year went by without anything to really mark it as a special year. Maybe you met a few new faces, people a year above your grade that were kind enough to show you around and give you a better outlook on what high school could be. Billy only gained more and more followers, becoming the alpha dog at only fifteen years old with eighteen-year-old’s wanting to have him or be him.

With the new earring you’d pierced for him, Sammy Anderson was always seen pawing at him like an annoying house cat, and he’d put on a show most likely just for your eyes in particular. To make you envy the brunette, Billy would strut around the halls he knew you walked through like a catwalk, hoping you’d see and think he was all that. Sammy, for some reason, couldn’t pass any ninth grade classes although she was a junior, she still shared a few periods with a freshman Billy. She was shameless about riding the fifteen-year-old’s dick, and had been made aware of you being the prime target for where and when they show their public displays of affection.

You really could give a shit about the drama he put you through anymore. Yeah, it really hurt having someone you stood by a good chunk of your life leave, but there was nothing you could do about it. Other than just find your place and where you belong on the food chain of high school, which wasn’t much to brag about. You had your humble few friends that were loyal and been told about your past with Billy Hargrove. They couldn’t believe with your personality and his transformation that you’d ever been affiliated with him in the first place, and honestly you couldn’t believe it either.

Sophomore year was starting now, and it was getting to be the season for those annoying high school dances that every movie or book goes on and on about. Less than thrilled but obligated to attend, the dance was in full swing when you’d arrived in your outfit of choice. Dressing up wasn’t ideal, but you’d made somewhat of an effort trying to be presentable for the expectations that these gatherings hold. After finding your group and huddling close together, you’d excused yourself for a bathroom break and walked down the empty and eerily quiet hall to the restrooms. You had no idea what you were in for when you stepped on someone’s foot that was completely covered by the dark.

“Christ! The fuck is your problem, huh?” the all too familiar voice had shouted in anger before the sound of runny sniffling followed. He pulled the foot you had stepped on further away so that you couldn’t do it again and cursed again under his breath. Of course, it was none other than your long lost bestest friend Billy.

“Jeez, sorry. Not my fault you’re sitting in the fuckin’ darkness,” you defend yourself, still terrified by the disadvantage you have being unable to see a goddamn thing. As if God himself had been listening to your thoughts, a dim light turned on and illuminated parts of the hallway, as well as a disheveled and evidently heartbroken Billy curled up on the floor, holding onto his knees. The tux he wore had been loosened, and his hair looked like he’d ran his fingers through it one too many times out of stress. He looked like a fucked up mess.

Just as you were staring him up and down, a stuttered exhale had fallen from the boy’s lungs as his hands desperately scrubbed at his watery eyes. It didn’t take a degree in psychology or whatever the fuck else to gather what’s going on here.

You approached him cautiously, as gentle as approaching a frightened deer, knowing how deeply sensitive and guarded Billy is at all times. The walls he’d built while playing the role of California’s resident fuckboy. You’d seen him cry only a handful of times, and that was mostly when you were kids and had excuses to cry about everything. Kid cut him in line, or made fun of the design on his lunchbox. Basic things that children often cry at, but you’d remembered the one night you saw him fall apart right in front of you the night his mom had fled without a trace. All the questions Billy and even you had about her whereabouts were still unanswered, but that never got brought up again after the breakdown he’d suffered through while huddled up in your arms. The poor thing was was so confused, not even knowing if his mom had kicked the bucket or just wanted the fuck away from her husband, even if that meant leaving her son.

Point is, it was always a rollercoaster when Billy got emotional, and you just so happened to walk right into him while he was in the middle of one of his fits.

“Oh. It’s you,” the teen grumbled, obviously disappointed at you being the one to catch him having an episode in the dark hallway outside the school’s dance.

“Hey, uh... What’s going on here?”

“I’m a fucking idiot who should know better is what’s going on. That’s exactly what you wanna hear though, isn’t it?” he hisses, dark and twisted as he fails to hide the runny nose and tears spurting down his cheeks. Immedietely forgetting all the shit you both went through freshman year, you bowed down to his level and sat by where he layed dejected and despondent on the ground.

“Not exactly what I wanna hear,” you murmur, looking at him before touching his arm with apprehension. When he didn’t shoo away from your grasp, you thanked God that Billy didn’t snap at you and tell you to piss off. You’d been pleasantly surprised at that moment when instead he leaned further into your touch, covering his face with his palm as he sniffles in misery.

“I see you put a new earring in, pretty kickass. Bet the ladies love it,” you admire the cheesy new gothic pendant that dangles from his ears. Anything to get his mind off of what’s troubling him will count as a win in your book.

“What ladies, you mean Sammy Anderson? She just dumped my ass in there and started dancing with some other white trash asshole. Figures,” he takes a red and white box out of the pocket of his suit and you notice that it’s Marlboro Red cigarettes. You weren’t in the loop of what he’d been up to since starting high school, but smoking seemed to be new. He lights it up and puffs on it like a natural, like he’d been doing that his entire life, and it’s a sad picture for you to see. The snot bleeding from his nostrils hasn’t quit, and you snatch a back up tissue from your bag and hand it over without thinking twice. The broken boy looks from the tissue then back to you a couple times before taking it and blowing his nose. When he dunks it in the trash can and makes it in, you cheer him on and give a lighthearted high five. After the brief moment of silliness is over, Billy looks over to you with bewilderment in his eyes.

“Why are you helping me?”

“People grow apart all the time, Billy. It’s the most natural thing in the world. That doesn’t mean I can’t care for your well being,” you reason, biting your tongue to keep from saying anything more that you may regret in the long run.

“Uh, yeah. Guess you’re right. I care about your like... well being and stuff too,” he mumbles, taking another drag of nicotine before offering you a hit.

You shake your head and hold up your hand.

“No thanks. I came here to use the restroom is all,” you move to get up from the floor before Billy is quick to join you.

“Yeah, go ahead. Just one thing real quick, I wanted to say sorry. All the shit I pulled last year wasn’t cool at all. But I’m always here for you too, yeah?” he confirms, gazing into your eyes making you freeze on the spot.

“It’s alright. I’m about to piss myself right now though, so I’m gonna go,” you chuckle, pointing towards the ladies restroom. The boy is quick to laugh with you, urging you to do your business.

“Wait, Y/N,” he calls out, standing at the end of the hall by the entrance to where the dance is still being held.

“Yeah?” you shout back, bladder close to giving out as you stand by to watch Billy fumble from the end of the hall before hushing:

“You look really beautiful tonight. Whoever you’re with is lucky as hell.”

—

Junior year comes, and you and Billy haven’t properly spoken since the dance when you’d caught him crying in the dark and accidently stepped on his foot.

He hadn’t calmed down on his ruthless antics, but they’re not directed towards antagonizing you, so that’s a plus. You had accepted that he just wasn’t apart of the path you’d been on and you weren’t apart of his. How the circle of life goes, or whatever.

Billy had found himself yet another new beau, Ashley something, her last name had escaped your mind. He’d still been just as obnoxious with his frequent PDA tendencies at school and elsewhere. You had shared a class with her last year, so you know at least this time she’s his age, but you don’t know anything deeper than that. He wouldn’t ignore you when you passed by each other in the halls, giving you a pointed look and a little wave, which you returned every time. Unbeknownst to you, his group that ruled the whole school always wondered how the hell he even knew you and why he’d never forgot to acknowledge you if he saw you anywhere. The blomde would just tell them to keep their fucking noses from his business and never mess with you or any of your friends.

On this night, for the first time in three years, Billy had invited you to come over, insisting actually. Over the phone he made it clear he wasn’t taking no for an answer. He chewed on his fingernails while anxiously chainsmoking, his leg tapping up and down so fast it might as well fall off. He’d been waiting for your arrival the last fifteen minutes, counting the minutes and even the seconds until you finally show up. It was a hasty knock on his bedroom door that made the boy throw himself out of the chair he’d been seated in and take a deep breath. Temporarily setting his smoke down on the window sill, he raised his voice when telling you to come in.

You’d opened the door and walked in like you’d never been here before. It was difficult for Billy to see, remembering all the days you used to come in and make yourself at home in his room. All the toy cars and dinosaurs he’d collected had disappeared, now replaced with various colognes and mountains of hair gel, as well as more jewelry strung around every surface. You were astonished seeing a set up of heavy weights in the corner too, but you’d neglected to notice him grow bigger and bulkier as he matured.

“Close the door,” he whispers, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans as your eyes got bigger at the serious tone the boy had used. You softly shut it all the way, unsure about what it is Billy wanted from you this time.

“So uh, you want me to pierce anything else? A nipple maybe?” you joke, trying to ease the unbearable tension that’s making the bedroom seem claustrophobic and stuffy. Billy doesn’t laugh, feeding more into the uneasy feeling stirring in your gut and instead sits on the edge of his bed and pats right next to him, signaling for you to take a seat. You swallow audibly before doing as you were told, crossing your arms and legs on the firm mattress, thinking it’ll somehow soothe how frightened you are of whatever he’s about to tell you.

“You want one?” he offers you another one of his Marlboro’s, this time a blue pack as opposed to the red’s he smoked at the school dance.

“No. I told you I didn’t smoke,” you remind him, which he nods in understanding.

“You don’t mind if I smoke in here though, do you?“

“Fucking A, just tell me what this is all about, Billy! You invite me over for the first time in years and you’re acting real fucking weird, so if you would just... just spit it out already—“

“I’m moving outta California.”

You pause, needing to get a better grip on your rapid beating heart that’s going as fast a drum solo from some rock band tune. Billy stares at you intently, waiting to see what your reaction will be like. When he receives nothing but a gawking expression still smothered on your face, he goes on to give you more details of his departure from California.

“I’m uh, I’m leaving. Overheard my old man talking on the phone, we’ll all be outta here by the end of the month. He wasn’t even planning on telling me until the day of,” Billy explains, his lip trembling up and down at the thought of leaving everything, his home, and especially you behind.

“W-Where?” you choke out, not knowing what the fuck to even say besides spouting the endless questions swarming your mind. Billy looks at you and copies what you did the night of the school dance when he was the one in pain, touching your arm and wrapping it with his palm. He rubs his thumb in circles there for a bit.

“Some shithole town in Indiana,” he answers before going on to the reason why he had invited you here other than just giving you the news. “I um, I wanna ask you to do something,” he stutters, one dramatic tear dropping down a cheek from his right eye as he holds your arm tight as if you’ll flee away if he ever let go.

“Sure, Bill. I’ll do anything,” your hand reaches to cup his cheek to comfort him, learning that touching him when he’s in distress always helps more than it hurts.

“Come with me, please,” he invokes, leaning further into your touch as the bridge he’s spent years building keeping everybody out shatters, leaving him wipe open and terrified of being left alone. Starting all over again his senior year in some dried up small town, without his childhood best friend roaming the same halls as he will. “I’m serious. You’ll... we can do it together. Just like old times, right?” he asks, pulling what looks to be your infamous favorite snack, a cheese stick from his back pocket and handing it over to you, hope in his eyes.

“Are you fucking insane?” you withdrawal from him, not taking the stick of cheese and waiting for the punchline of some sick joke he’s pulling. Billy cannot possibly be serious, his only bribe for you to come with him being some snack he used to give you as a kid. He had the balls to think he could perfectly replace your family and your friends just for his own selfish needs and a stick of cheese.

“No. Right now I’m sure as shit making way more sense that I ever have in the past three goddamn years, Y/N. I fucking love you, and the thought of being away from you is making me fucking sick,” the boy grimaces, wishing he could pull you close to him again but the chance of getting your permission isn’t likely.

“You.... what?”

“I know. But you love me too, I can see that you do.”

“Dude, your shroom dealer is amazing. Wanna hook me up sometime, or—“

“Stop fucking around and be straight with me, okay! There’s no way in hell any of this was friendly from the start, you don’t cheer up your cryin’ ex-best friend on the floor just because you’re some goddamn saint. You did it because that’s love, alright?” he stands up, pointing his finger at you as tears stream freely out of his broken blue eyes.

“This is a joke, right? I gotta be dreaming or something,” you squeeze your eyes shut and try pinching your arm in an attempt to wake up from alternate reality you’re helplessly trapped in. Billy gets down on his knees and grasps both your wrists in his heads, staring at you dead in the eye.

“Sammy Anderson didn’t mean fucking jack to me, okay. Same goes with Ashley, too. You’re it for me. Don’t you understand?”

“No, I don’t. You aren’t supposed to ditch who you love just to chase some tail! You left me, only coming to me if you needed something from me; now you want me to take some big leap of faith for you? After all you’ve done?”

Billy hangs his head in his hands in agony before pacing around the perimeter or his room back and forth. He doesn’t know what else to say, so logic has officially left the building. Now he’s receded to throwing up all his deep secrets hoping it’ll have some affect on you or make you do something, anything.

“Y’know, when I lost my virginity to Sammy in the chick’s bathroom at school... I thought of you the entire time. She didn’t even fuckin’ blink twice after I said your name instead a’ hers, she just kept going—“

You plug your ears, desperate to tune out the boy’s filthy story telling, throwing his own pillow at him to get him to knock it off. He catches it with a stealthy hand, keeping his grip on it as he listens to you whine and moan.

“Aw, c’mon man! we could’ve easily kept discussing this without any of your dirty—“

“Stop it. Stop stalling and give me an answer right here, right now. Tell me if you love me too.”

You scrape your scalp, dreading having this painful conversation, dreading giving him the ugly truth. Once upon a time if he would’ve done this sooner, your answer would’ve been different.

“I... I just can’t keep this up, Billy. I can’t do it anymore. I gave so many parts of myself up for you, but it’s too late now. I won’t throw everything I have here away just so you can use me when I’m convenient, alright? Fucking...” you look up, watching as your childhood best friend crumbles to the floor and hugs the pillow to his chest, eerily similar to the time you pierced his ear for him in the ninth grade. You swiftly sit up off of the bed, going down to his level again, just like the night of the school dance. Getting ready to give him more soothing, encouraging words, something like ‘it’ll be alright’ or a promise of visiting him in the near future, all of that gets ripped away from you when he makes his next move.

Without any warning whatsoever, Billy takes your jaw and smashes his lips to yours, forcefully pressing you further into him. The pillow he’d been clutching had fallen to the ground between the two of you.

This was the last fucking straw, and you’re exhausted to shit now.

You shove him off of you with a hundred percent of your power, wiping his saliva from your mouth with disgust and backing up to the other end of the bedroom, as far away as possible from the weeping boy.

“Stay the fuck off me. And have fun in Indiana, I’m sure you’ll be missed by all your fans at school.”

—

Billy is equally as antsy as he is pissed off when the Hargrove family makes their way to the airport, the boy staring out the window with a permanent worried look in his eye at how he left things with Y/N.

As he boards the plane, giving his younger step sibling Maxine a death glare for the window seat, he holds his gaze out the little window at the clouds surrounding the wing of the plane. When they land in Hawkins, Indiana, he’s still filled to the brim with regret at everything he’d done. He thinks of all the what if’s, like what if he hadn’t cared so much about his reputation, what if he’d kissed you sooner, what if, what if, what fucking if. The list goes on.

“People grow apart all the time, Billy. It’s the most natural thing in the world. That doesn’t mean I can’t care for your well being.”

He’ll hate himself for along time after using you, ignoring you, and ultimately abandoning you at the beginning of the hell that is high school. But that’s just the way it goes for guys like Billy. It could’ve gone the other way, too, such as following him to Indiana and loving him back after all. But that version’s just a figment of his imagination.

—

and then they all lived happily ever after and stuff. what I was trying to pull off was showing a meaningful friendship that started dying out and Billy’s transformation to douchebag was the perfect pitch for it. then for the tables to turn on who wants to be with who in the end was also what I wanted. I’m still working on more prompts and requests and stuff as usual ! thank you for everything:)

[imamoderntragedy]

When Miss Rona Came To Town

 I woke up later than usual today. I’ve been a lot more tired recently than I was before it happened, but that’s okay because there is barely any traffic anymore so the drive to school takes half the time it did a few days ago.

 It has two names, the thing that’s caused all the traffic to disappear, and everyone around the world knows them by now so calling it by its real name is entirely unnecessary. At school everyone simply says “any more news on what they’re doing about it?” Everyone knows what it is. Either that or they call it a pet name, simply a shortened version of its full name, like a nickname I guess. Not that what we call it will matter much anymore. We’ll all be in isolation soon. The Prime Minister announced that closure off all schools in the UK yesterday, well, all the ones that didn’t already have confirmed cases. I watched the live feed on my phone with my mum as we made dinner. People had been calling for schools to close for weeks anyway so we weren’t really surprised when the decision was announced. The issue was more a matter of ‘when’ than ‘if’. My mum didn’t entirely understand why they needed to close though.

“You young people can’t get it so I don’t see why schools need to close.” Of course she wasn’t completely wrong, but she wasn’t entirely right either.

“What about the teachers mum?” I’d asked her. “What about them?” She didn’t reply to that. I had more points but I knew better than to say anything. She never liked being wrong.

 There was a power cut last night too. My sister was in the bathroom when the lights went out and she screamed which made me jump as well. She doesn’t like the dark so she stayed in my room until the lights came back on. My friends from school two towns over said that they had one about the same time. The WiFi went down for a few minutes as well. We all knew that it wasn’t what had caused the power to go out or the WiFi to go down. We made an educated guess, not that an educated guess from us would be worth much with our GCSEs and quarter of an A-Level. Either way we guessed that the power went out because of the effects of it. The lack of workers. The constant checking of the live death count online and then the checking it again. Nobody could tell for sure though, apart from maybe the government and the power companies. But they wouldn’t tell us.

 We are just year twelves.

 I arrived at school at about that same time that I always do and met with my friends at the top of the Sixth Form Center. We spoke about the Prime Minister’s speech. Everyone had watched the Prime Minister’s speech. For some reason, we kept talking about what we would do if we had some power in all of this. As if we though we knew how we could fix everything. We all knew that we couldn’t. We aren’t quite that ignorant to think we know everything that is at stake here. I don’t think the Prime Minister himself even knows everything that’s at stake here, even though we’d like to think he does.

 After that, we dispersed across the school to go to our form. That’s when our tutor announced that all of the year thirteens would have no lessons and had to clear out their lockers so they could leave after break. All of their lessons were cancelled and their school year was over. No one had expected that. No one I knew at least.

 For most of them it didn’t sink in. Or they didn’t believe it. Or they didn’t want to believe it. Their reactions were difficult to read. They ranged from stunned silence to loud complaints. For them, that email meant a year and a half of their lives wasted. What made it even worse was that they had no idea how this would affect their applications for university or apprenticeships. The uncertainty made some people cry.

 Then two free periods of wasted time, no one did their work. Most people were dashing around the room saying their rushed last goodbyes to the friends they had made in their one and a half years of wasted time. There was a person in the corner crying out that they would have tired harder in their mock exams if they knew the it was going to be the mock results that they would need for their application. Their friends were there too, trying to reassure them that the teachers would put in a good word, of course, they didn’t know if it was true or not, they were just pretty sure.

 At break, everyone was saying their final goodbyes. I wrote in some leavers books, although you could hardly call them that. The books were actually ‘Top 100 Graduate Employers: 20th Edition’ by The Times newspaper because the school had ordered double the amount that they had actually needed for the school’s post-18 programme, which would now be simultaneously a lot more and a lot less applicable because of it. The school hadn’t even put together the yearbooks yet, so there was no way the students were getting them now. All of the companies involved in the printing process were probably already closed down already anyway.

 English Literature was next. Our teacher did the same as our form tutor but with slightly more information. New emails sent out every minute. We were supposed to do a new Keats poem although we made the silent unanimous decision that reading Keats’ work wouldn’t do anything to brighten the mood. Duffy wouldn’t either. So we just talked for the entire hour about the effects that it would have and how we would do our lessons while in isolation. There were some jokes passed around about how our teacher, Mr Wilson, should keep safe because he was one of the ‘vulnerable few’ but in all reality, it wasn’t a joke. We all knew that.

 We also knew that Mr Wilson was one of the ‘vulnerable few’ however he didn’t seem like the kind of person who would leave his house on a regular basis anyway. We could all imagine the stacks of books that he would be reading. Between the jokes there were questions. Too many to count. The answer to all was the same.

“I don’t know.” His words were repeated like a solemn mantra that only brought more dread every time it was repeated.

 Politics was the opposite. There was a total of five unanswerable questions before the teacher dismissed them all with a swipe of his hand and a single shout. He pretended that it didn’t exist after that. As if everything was fine and the world wasn’t burning to ashes around us.

 From all of that I concluded that they didn’t know. I checked with the others. None of their teachers knew. But how could they not know? They were teachers. Teachers knew everything. Well, teachers used to know everything. They don’t anymore.

 All mass gatherings had been ‘advised against’ by the government since last week, but Headmaster Rhodes was determined to give year eleven a “proper send-off” as he called it. I caught a glimpse of the assembly hall. The chairs were all arranged an arm’s length apart. As if that would do anything to stop it.

 I checked the death toll in the car on the way home. The numbers rose by forty people today.

 It was getting quicker. It was getting too quick.

 “Have you heard about the rivers in Italy?” My mum was sitting in the driver’s seat navigating her way through the near-empty roads.

“I haven’t.” I glanced up from my phone and turned towards her.

“They’re blue again. They were green, you know that ones in Venice?” I nodded. “Well, they’ve turned blue again. There’s even some fish in them. People thought all the fish had died years ago, but just this morning there were reports of fish.” She smiled sporadically and then bit her lip nervously and her face grew back into a harrowing stare.

“At least some good has come out of it.” I replied, turning back to my phone.

 Maybe it could be the start of a new era. Who knows. All I know is if this is the transition from one era to another then it’s dangerous, terrifying, and full of uncertainty.

 I don’t like it.

[battlekidx2]

Star Wars Rebels Rewatch Thoughts and Partial Review

Okay this is going to be a bit long because I have a lot of things I’d like to talk about. When I talk about the characters and standout episodes those are mostly my thoughts. When I talk about seasons as a whole those are more of a review.

I remember first hearing the announcement that rebels was going to be a show, reading the synopsis, and being immediately enthralled and excited. I love Luke, Leia, Han, Chewy, Obi Wan, clone wars Anakin and Ahsoka, but I was really interested in seeing how the empire’s rule would have affected other people and liked the idea of having a survivor of order 66 be part of the main cast. I remember this show fondly because unlike the clone wars, where I got into it in season 3, I got to watch this show all the way through from start to finish in real time. After a rewatch I still hold it in high regard and think that season 1 while not the best was a solid introduction to the characters, their struggles, and the beginnings of a wider rebellion with seasons 2-4 being great. 

Characters

Ezra:

Ezra is a character I have conflicting feelings about. In seasons 1 and most of season 2 the show seemed to struggle with what exactly to do with him and force him into every storyline even if the storyline would be better with focus elsewhere. This caused the show to give the rest of the ghost crew very little focus in season 1 and it wasn’t until season 2 that you got actual development and backstory for them. In seasons 3 and 4 this isn’t nearly as big of a problem and there are a lot more episodes dedicated to the rest of the main cast and they all have plotlines and arcs separate from Ezra. He also wasn’t the most interesting and, in my opinion, the least interesting of the main cast until twilight of the apprentice, which made the intense focus on him to be frustrating at times. Once the end of season 2 rolls around they do a much better job with him. Ezra is a character that I found to be by far at his most interesting while interacting with Darth Maul and struggling with the dark side. His struggle with the dark side was over way too quickly in season 3. He’s a character that I could see being a bit similar to Anakin in that his intense fear of being unable to protect his friends and family drives him closer to the dark side and this was shown wonderfully in twilight of the apprentice and steps into shadow. I was disappointed that they didn’t explore it more in depth because it could have been incredible. My only other problem with him in season 3 was how wildly inconsistent how capable he is was portrayed. In some episodes he would really screw up in ways that he should know better by now, like turning his back on a dangerous hostage and getting him and Sabine attacked, or too capable and “wise”, like when they had him “end” the clone wars and get the separatist and republic fighters to see his point of view. That last one bothered me because it took a lot of the nuance and sad pointlessness (because in the end both sides lost and were taken advantage of by the empire) of the clone wars and had Ezra, someone who didn’t even really understand what happened, resolve the conflict. They did take steps back in his development at the beginning of season 4, which I didn’t understand, and made him relearn the lesson “how we fight is what matters”. This is quickly rectified though and I absolutely loved what they did with him from Jedi Night on. His end saving his home world was fitting and I found myself sad to see him go. I’m conflicted on Ezra because I didn’t really like him that much in season 1 and a bit of season 2 and found him to be a lacking main perspective, but really liked what they did with him in seasons 3 and 4. Overall I liked him as a character, but not as the main perspective.

Kanan:

Kanan is who I felt should have been the main character. His journey of finding who he in the midst of tragedy after being forced to cut off a part of himself for so long and having to come to grips with having to face his trauma to do what’s right was fascinating. I liked how he was knighted despite the fact that he was so counter to what the Jedi were during the republic and I felt that was purposeful. Kanan seems to be the template for the new Jedi knight in a way. When Yoda gets around to training Luke he isn’t stuck to the old ways and doesn’t discourage attachment and I think that could have been influenced by Kanan. Kanan throughout rebels opens up more and more to people and suffers greatly, but because of those connections he isn’t tempted to the dark side. Every time he is beaten down it’s his care for others that makes him get up. His blinding and how he learns to connect with others and the world afterwards was one of my favorite parts of the show. He has to learn to see not just the world differently, but the force and everything's connection to it as well. He actually grows to become more pacifistic in a way and learns to better understand the feelings of the people and creatures around him. His relationship with the people around him grow and change as he does especially his relationships with Sabine and Ezra. He grows into a father figure of sorts for them during the course of the show. When his end finally comes he seems at peace with what will happen and dies so that his crew may live and Lothal will have a fighting chance. His death, while I knew it was coming since his introduction, was one of many emotional gut punches of the show and I really cared when he died. Kanan was my favorite character and I loved his growth in the show. I thought overall they did a really good job with Kanan and they seemed to know where they wanted him to go from the beginning. He was always meant to grow as a person and teacher with him finally dying for what he believed in and the family he made. 

Hera:

I really liked Hera as a character. I appreciated that her idealism did not equal naïveté. I think those two are too often associated with one another. Having Hera be idealistic and yet have the most realistic outlook of the ghost crew was refreshing. Hera truly believes in the rebel cause and puts everything she has into it. She creates a tunnel vision on fighting for a better future because war is all she has ever known. Hera doesn’t know what to do without a battle to fight and very nearly lets herself be consumed. She even states herself that she is fighting for a better future but has never considered a future for herself beyond the fight. She is pulled back from the brink by Kanan. Kanan and Hera have my favorite relationship of the show because there is actual communication between them. There isn’t any forced drama and you can tell what their relationship is through their actions. In the quiet moments between and after battles. It was devastating to see how Kanan’s death effected her. Shutting herself off from others and even doubting the cause she’s dedicated her whole life to. Hera was always the one encouraging everyone and providing hope when it looked lost, but in this moment she unravels and can’t do either of those things. And this realization that nothing last and that her new family may also be lost like much of her birth family carries through even after she regains her will to fight. When Ezra is going to turn himself over, despite it being what she would do in his place, she begs with him to find another way and it tug at my heartstrings because we know why she’s like this. She was always the pragmatic one that put the mission first and in this moment she was throwing it out the window and acting from her hurt and desperation. In the end even when Ezra turns himself over she does command the forces alongside Sabine and successfully help Ezra free Lothal. I really liked her character and my only real gripe is that I wish they had focused on her more in the earlier seasons. She also has some incredible feats while flying and the things they had her do were really creative. I really liked how capable she was behind the “wheel” and how that was a product of her love of flying and dedication.

Sabine:

Sabine was a character that I was initially very intrigued by. The fact that she was mandalorian and was at one point in the imperial academy were enough to get me interested, but the first two seasons didn’t explore much about her. When the episodes Trials of the Darksaber came around and the bombshells about her hand in Mandalore’s downfall and her family’s betrayal I was left in shock. I really liked these revelations at the time and appreciate them more in hindsight. Everything about her character in the first few seasons makes a lot more sense knowing her past. Horrible weapons don’t have to be created by bad people. Pride and arrogance can blind you and that’s what happened with Sabine, but she chose to own up to her mistakes and try to set things right. That’s what makes her one of our heroes instead of a villain. I really liked the way they handled the exploration of her guilt and determination to do what’s right. The sibling bond that her and Ezra grew to have ended up having some of my favorite moments of the show like when her and Ezra make eye contact in the finale and she distracts Hera for him to go and turn himself over to Thrawn. Overall I like what they did with Sabine, but once again felt like she should have had a bit more focus in the earlier seasons.

Zeb:

Zeb was a big casualty of the shows problems with spreading out the focus. He’s a character that actually got more focus in seasons 1 and 2 than he did in seasons 3 and 4. There was a lot of potential with his character that the show didn’t fully explore like his survivors guilt and his anger toward the empire because of the genocide. Zeb is a survivor of a genocide like Kanan and I think the show should have put an emphasis on their understanding of each other. It’s said but not shown nearly as much as I felt it should have been. I did like the storylines that did put focus on him though especially how he plays off Kallus in the show. From bitter enemies to reluctant allies to friends. And his relationship to Ezra was touching at times like how he hugged Ezra after Kanan’s death. Zeb is a character that I liked, but thought was underused the most out of the main cast.

Chopper:

Chopper was a surprise to me. I expected him to just be the token droid and he seemed like he may be in the first two seasons, but he actually gets a lot of development is seasons 3 and 4. Chopper doesn’t want to be put in a y-wing in the season 3 premiere and in Hera’s Heroes he’s frozen when he sees the y-wing he crashed in during the clone wars. There’s and underlying sadness and trauma there that is made very clear despite not real words being spoken. It’s also very clear that below his tough, cranky exterior he really cares about the members of the ghost crew. When Kanan dies he goes and holds Hera’s hand and makes sure she isn’t alone during this time. I loved this because it shows how close they really are. Hera shuts everyone else out at that time but Chopper. I truly felt by the end that chopper truly was part of the family of the ghost crew not just the token droid.

Kallus:

Kallus started out as a character you loved to hate and cheered when he lost. Kallus was threatening despite being unable to defeat the rebels in seasons 1 and 2. He was giving a good redemption arc that was kick started in the episode “the honorable ones” in season 2 where he is shown compassion by zeb and forced to reevaluate what he thought of the empire when he learns more about the rebels and their compassion for each other. The end of the episode perfectly juxtaposes zeb being found and happily accepted back by the rebels with Kallus returning to the ship with no one noticing he was gone and his poor condition with him sitting on his bed alone and disillusioned. He is finally faced with the reality of the empire’s cold calculation and uncaring nature and the rebels’ caring, fierce protectiveness. In season 3 I found him to be one of, if not the most, interesting character in the show. He had some fantastic episodes that centered around him like The Honorable Ones and Through Imperial Eyes. I really liked his storyline and how his relationship with Zeb became a story of compassion and forgiveness. The idea of breaking free from your programming and risking your life and everything you worked for because you now know what the right thing to do is the heart of Kallus’ journey. Rebels managed to turn a character I wanted to lose into a character I cheered for and was worried about when he was in danger. I wish he was used more in the 4th season when he’s with the rebellion because I think that would have been a fascinating dynamic for the show to explore.

On a side note: One small but telling moment with Kallus was when Thrawn is first introduced and everyone is praising him Kallus instead points out that civilian casualties outnumbered rebel casualties on Thrawn’s last mission and he is told that those numbers were acceptable because he brought the empire victory. Kallus looks displeased for a split second before getting his expression under raps.

Thrawn:

I really liked Thrawn as a villain. His cunning and genius was always intriguing when shown onscreen. I always felt like he was threatening and at times he even seemed unstoppable. Through Imperial Eyes showed a lot more sides of Thrawn than we had previously seen. He was a capable fighter and noticed intricacies within art that lead to him deducing Kallus’ identity as fulcrum. He was easily the best recurring villain of rebels. I never saw Ezra and Thrawn as true adversaries until the final episode of the series. He couldn’t be taken down unless something happened that was beyond his control and, at least I thought, it was implied that the force wanted Ezra to succeed in his mission to free Lothal and rid Thrawn from the rest of the rebel conflict. That the force had influenced the outcome in Ezra’s favor which just goes to show how much of an unstoppable force Thrawn was.

Standout episodes:

“The honorable ones” is a decidedly more nuanced look at soldiers within the empire. “I was… I was only doing my duty. I didn’t ask questions.”  This the first serious look into the inner workings of empire soldiers that I had seen up to this point. Kallus’ arc was about overcoming his training, drive, and brainwashing that what he was doing was right. That it was for the betterment of the galaxy and the protection of the empire and its people. He was sent into a battle he believed had to be fought believing that “it wasn’t meant to be a [genocide]”. All I could do was sit there and be amazed that we were actually getting a look into what soldiers must have been told and expected to do and realizing that what was happening around them wasn’t supposed to happen, but there’s no going back. It’s already been done. Having their fellow soldiers killed while on routine patrols just for being empire. Zeb tells Kallus “you can’t judge all Lasats by the actions of one” and Kallus shoots back “well does that apply to the empire too?” and it’s a valid question. The possibility of people being forced into the empire or taken when they are young and trained to believe what the empire tells them without being given a choice or even not truly believing and questioning the empire but being afraid to act out because of the empire’s power are all put onto the table here. As well as it being revealed that the soldiers aren’t given all the information about what the empire is doing and what they plan to do in their conquest. Not everyone within the empire wants to wage war and genocide. Not everyone is beyond redemption. I applaud this episode for daring to go here. It was willing to try and humanize the empire’s soldiers and kickstart one of my personal favorite character arcs of the show. With Kallus’ arc it managed to turn someone who was initially shown to be pretentious, ambitious, and cruel and have him admit to his wrongs, defy his programming, and risk his life and everything he ever worked for to do what he now knew to be right.

“Through imperial eyes” shifted the perspective character to Kallus with a very interesting choice to open with the audience seeing things through his eyes. This episode showed just how good Kallus is at being the rebel spy. He pins the blame on someone else through a series of well thought out actions and uses his observations and skills to evade capture and detection. Neither Kallus or Thrawn are depicted as anything less than cunning. Kallus is only found out by a blunder on Ezra’s part and the fact that Thrawn is a genius. The change in perspective to Kallus was a breath of fresh air. The change is tone and genre from action adventure to a kind of spy thriller works to the show’s favor. This episode showed both Kallus and Thrawn at their best and cemented Kallus as one of the most interesting characters in the entire show.

You can’t talk about standout episodes and not talk about “Jedi Knight”. This episode is probably the one, next to the finale, that I got the most emotional about during my rewatch. When I first watched this episode I remember there was a foreboding feeling throughout that the Ghost crew’s luck would finally run out. The entire episode was tense and despite knowing the outcome on my rewatch I was still on the edge of my seat and hoping the inevitable wouldn’t happen. The Kanan and Hera dynamic is touching and sad. I wanted them to get around to saying what they really meant and when they finally did I was sad because I knew their time together was at a close. I still wish they could have had their happy ending. Kanan seemed so accepting like he knew what was going to happen to him, but was okay because he would go out protecting the people he loves. When Kanan’s death finally happened and the episode quietly faded to white with ashes blowing past the star wars rebels logo I had to sit back once again and let that episode sink in. Kanan was my favorite character and his death impacted me and you could tell in that moment how much the ghost crew was hurting. I really liked this episode and thought it was well done from the music, to the dialogue, to the animation. Kanan’s death scene was one of the most visually stunning of the show and that moment when he regained his sight to see Hera, the woman he loves, one last time is etched in my memory.

“A World Between Worlds” was a really good episode focusing on loss. This whole episode was fantastic and I loved the idea behind the world between worlds. Finally getting closure about what happened to Ahsoka and having the ghost crew especially Ezra and Hera get closure for Kanan’s death were really well done. I especially liked when Ezra was given the chance to save Kanan and he struggles to let go and accept that he can’t save Kanan and the rest of the ghost crew. The struggle to not save his master and surrogate father almost overwhelms him and it is only through Ahsoka’s guidance and his own inner strength that he is finally able to let go and accept kanan’s death. “He’s gone now, isn’t he? I mean, really gone?” This line hit me like a ton of bricks while rewatching because there could be no more denial by the ghost crew (and myself). Kanan’s death was set in stone. This realization happens while looking out at a beautiful view at the temple and Hera has her hand on her shoulder where Kanan’s force ghost had touched her before. Ezra get one last look at the loth wolf Dume on the horizon before he fades from view giving him closure before turning and heading back to the ghost and the future. This last scene with Hera and Ezra staring out into the horizon and then turning back to the ghost after their closure makes me think that this symbolizes them looking back at the past, the good times, and the people they’ve loved and lost and turning back to the ghost is them turning back to the fight and the future instead of letting the past continue to hold them back despite how beautiful the past is and how painful the future and present may be.

Rebels has incredibly strong season openers and finales with the most well known being twilight of the apprentice, but all of them were great. 

Spark of the rebellion was a solid beginning to the series and did a good job of introducing us to the ghost crew. While the weakest of the season openers it contains one of my favorite moments of the series when Kanan reveals himself to be a Jedi. That scene still gave me chills upon a rewatch. It was a solid introduction to the ghost crew and gave a glimpse of what was to come.

The finale of the first season was easily the strongest episode of the first season. Kanan’s rescue and fight with the inquisitor were both very exciting. The Inquisitor’s parting words to Kanan “There are some things worse than death” was incredibly foreboding and still gets me excited for what’s to come (even though I know what’s going to happen). I like it when Kanan steps up to the plate and takes out a powerful enemy like the inquisitor and maul. I still really like that the burn Ezra gets on his cheek stays for the rest of the series.

The second season premiere “the siege of Lothal” was an instant game changer and had our characters come face to face with Darth Vader for the first time and had Ahsoka discover his identity as her master. The rebels being driven off Lothal changed everything that was to come. This was where the massive jump in quality between seasons 1 and 2 became apparent. The stakes were immediately ratcheted up. The rebellion was forced to flee and Lothal was thought to be lost. Darth Vader was imposing and it was made very clear that none of the rebels stood a chance against even just Vader let alone the empire.

Twilight of the apprentice had me reeling for a few day after I watched it for the first time. I couldn’t get what had happened and how it had ended out of my head. How would the ghost crew move forward with this? How far to the dark side will Ezra sink? How will Kanan fight now that he is blinded? Was this the end for Ahsoka Tano? The second season finale is some of my favorite Star Wars content period. The long awaited confrontation between Ahsoka and Darth Vader, Maul’s return, Kanan being blinded, and much more. The final lines between Ahsoka and Vader with Ahsoka saying she won’t leave him again and Vader responding with “Then you will die” showing just how far gone he was and that he truly was no longer the caring person Ahsoka once knew, but a bitter empty husk. Everything was phenomenal in this two part finale. I think twilight of the apprentice is in a way comparable to the empire strikes back in that the good guys didn’t really win in the end. Both Maul and Vader lived, kanan is now blind, and nobody knew what happened to Ahsoka with heavy implications that she was dead (later proven wrong). There wasn’t a rebel victory. In a way this finale was truly the beginning of all the trials that would come for both the rebellion and the ghost crew. I still get excited every time I revisit it even knowing how everything pans out. This is the moment that cemented rebels as one of my personal favorite cartoons.

The third season premiere “steps into shadow” was another strong two part opening. Ezra’s struggle with the dark side and Kanan and Ezra reconnecting after Kanan distances himself were series highlights for me. The scene where Kanan tells Ezra to let go and trust him was emotionally resonant and showed that despite Ezra’s anger and frustration on the inside he was still a scared kid that just wanted to do what was right and got in over his head. While Twilight of the Apprentice got me really interested in Ezra as a character and where Dave Filoni wanted him to go these were the episodes that really got me to start liking him, kind of ironically I’ll admit. I do think they should have taken Ezra’s foray into the dark side further, but I’m happy with how they executed it in these two episodes.

The third season finale “Zero Hour” was a thrilling conclusion to the season and saw many things come to fruition. Thrawn was an incredibly threatening and capable villain. His capability and smarts weren’t undermined in his loss because his plan would have worked if his subordinate obeyed and the Bendu wasn’t on Atollon, which are both things Thrawn could not have predicted. He still gets incredibly close to wiping out the rebellion despite both of these and still survives and has the manpower to threaten the rebellion again. It goes to show the rebellion that they aren’t ready for full out war with the empire because they are outnumbered, outmanned, and outgunned with almost no advantages save their unpredictability which can only get them so far. Seeing the rebellion so close to being completely wiped out rattled me. I had forgotten how bleak the fight looked for the rebels and how many casualties had occurred.

The season 4 opener is meant to show a victory after the near destruction of the rebellion that ended last season showing that there is still hope for the rebellion. I really liked seeing Sabine leading with the darksaber and her finally being able to confront her mistake and destroy her creation once and for all. Bo-Katan’s return was exciting. I always enjoy seeing characters from other star wars media appear in rebels. Bo-Katan being the influence Sabine needs to ultimately do the right thing and getting the darksaber afterwards to lead Mandalore felt fitting as someone who has seen the clone wars.

The season 4 finale is once again emotional and tense. It’s incredibly fitting that the ghost crew’s journey together began on Lothal and ends on Lothal. Everything comes full circle and Ezra and the pergil are able to free Lothal and defeat Thrawn, but him and Thrawn are jettisoned away on a star destroyer not to be heard from. The moment where Hera is desperately trying to come up with a plan and Ezra and Sabine just look at each other and nod before she gives him an opening to escape made me emotional on a rewatch and was when I realized how much I loved these characters. The series goes out on a bittersweet note showing the liberation from the empire, but also the losses the ghost crew faced and their trouble moving on from them. It’s filled with both hope and melancholy and is easily the second best episode behind twilight of the apprentice. The lingering shot of the painting of the ghost crew was cathartic and touching. Even after everything that has happened they will always remember each other and never forget their journey that we got to be a part of.

 Seasons:

 Star wars rebels has a shaky first season, but I do think is was fairly solid. It did a pretty good job of introducing us to the personalities of the members of the ghost crew and established right out of the gate what the show would be about and what to expect. We knew that this would be about the start of the rebellion against the empire and we would get to see the rebellion grow in manpower, resources, and influence. It dropped a lot of hints of what is to come and what has already happened in our character’s past. The first season’s problems mostly stem from their struggle with the main character Ezra and trying to be a lighter toned but serious star wars story. The show didn’t really know what to do with Ezra in the first season and seemed to struggle to find their footing with him. I personally didn’t really like or connect to Ezra until much later in the series, which is a problem considering he’s the main character. The lighter tone was also a problem because it restricted what the show could do greatly considering this show is supposed to chronicle the beginning of the Rebellion that is seen in A New Hope and that period of time was a dark time for the galaxy with the empire ruling tyrannically. When the show went darker like when Kanan was captured and it dealt with loss the show was enjoyable, but there were a lot of light hearted episodes that didn’t seem to push the show forward in this first season that kept it from being better.

 There is a massive jump in quality between the first and second seasons. The second season starts off with the introduction of Darth Vader and the Empire's “siege of Lothal”. It does a much better job with the tone and keeps it fairly consistent throughout the season. They also utilize the characters much better with many more of the episodes focusing on characters outside of Ezra and giving them backstory. It introduces a lot of familiar faces, like Rex, that don’t feel forced and that I was really happy to see once again. Kanan, Hera, and Zeb got their moments to shine and got a lot of development. This season started Kallus’ redemption arc and the episode that it begins in is a standout. I appreciated that it delved into trying to show how imperial soldiers must feel, their perspective, and the idea that they too cannot be seen as a faceless mass but instead individuals where not all are beyond redemption. The show keeps its momentum and produces Twilight of the Apprentice, which is some of my absolute favorite star wars content. I already gushed about it above so I won’t go into huge detail, but it did so much right and changed the status quo of rebels forever. This season started strong and ended strong and showed just what this show could give.

 Season 3 was an even stronger overall season than the last. This is where I really started liking Ezra. Once again even more focus is put on the supporting cast and Ezra isn’t really forced into a main role in storylines that aren’t about him. Sabine finally gets her backstory revealed in two really strong episodes Trials of the Darksaber and Legacy of Mandalore. I wish they had explored Sabine a bit more in earlier seasons, but the quality and strength of these episodes make the wait worth it to me. Kallus and Thrawn were probably the highlights of the season for me though. Kallus became an incredibly interesting character and the setup for his disillusionment with the empire and potential redemption were paid off wonderfully. I love his arc and liked that it allowed the show to have an episode from the imperial perspective. Thrawn was a fantastic villain every time he manipulated what happened and made deductions I found myself thrilled and actually cheering. I wanted our rebels to come out on top eventually, but I was enjoying what they were doing with Thrawn too much to want him defeated in this season.

 The show seemed to be given less and less limitations on what it could do the longer it went on and it gradually got darker with each season. This season was the darkest with Kanan’s onscreen death, Ezra’s ambiguous fate, and multiple onscreen deaths of supporting characters. This season was the one I felt was the strongest. The stretch of episodes from Rebel Assault to Family Reunion - and Farewell was easily the strongest string of episode in the show. I was consistently on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen. Kanan’s death was what I consider to be the biggest emotional gut punch of the show. I loved that we got to see each of the ghost crew members deal with their grief in different ways. Seeing Hera have a crisis of faith in the fight she has unwaveringly fought for this entire time made me emotional and I realized how attached I was to these characters because I understood how they felt and wanted them to be happy and get the victory they deserved. The series started on Lothal and ended on Lothal with the ghost crew finally freeing the planet from imperial grasp. I was happy that they finally got the victory they strove for since the beginning. In the end I was happy to follow the ghost crew through their journey and thought this was a really strong season and note to end the series on.

[him-e]

Submission: How do you think r+l=j will be handled in the books?

Hi, him-e! I appreciate the fact that you make an effort to parse through what the show’s given us in order to make more calculated predictions about what’s coming in the books. I’d like to ask, then—because I don’t recall you ever talking about it—how will r+l=j be handled in the books. It’s a fairly accepted possibility in fandom that finding out about it will wreck Jon. And fair enough, it probably will, considering how much pride he takes from being Ned’s son. But then there’s the rub for me—a lot of people also expect Jon to be angry at Rhaegar and to revolt against his biological father by abandoning the role he was supposed to have in the WftD. That makes sense, it can be existentially terrifying to think that your actions are all a product of a prophecy and that you have no control over them. It’d also fit with the other five main characters, who will likely all be going through their own dark phases. Here’s the part where I think we should take the show into consideration. What effect did r+l=j have on Jon, exactly? Mostly, none—I’d say it served as a catalyst for Dany’s downfall. Nothing was made to challenge Rhaegar’s character or actions, and the last season was the perfect place to do so, considering he’s Dany’s brother and almost every single aspect of Dany started being portrayed negatively. But sure, one could argue that the show isn’t good at handling psychological turmoil and that he’s Jon’s father too, and Jon must remain morally pure. Still, I then think about the books. If GRRM intends to make Jon rebel against Rhaegar and what he stood for as part of the fandom believes, why didn’t he seed anything related to that yet? Anything that makes Rhaegar more challenging and least susceptible to idolization? Some examples of how he could’ve done this: * GRRM could’ve shown Doran or Oberyn still angry at Rhaegar for leaving Elia behind. Instead, they both want to side with Viserys and later Daenerys without any (mentioned) reservations. * GRRM could’ve had Ned thinking about the fucked up power dynamic between Rhaegar and Lyanna (less harshly than Robert, but still negatively), but instead Ned only thinks about how Rhaegar didn’t frequent brothels. * GRRM could’ve had Dany have her view of Rhaegar be challenged the way her view of Aerys is being (slowly) challenged, instead she still thinks of him the same by the end of the fifth book. * GRRM could’ve added a POV who is critical of Rhaegar’s actions, yet he added three in FeastDance who idolize him (JonCon, Cersei, Barristan). And that’s not even mentioning how R/L was painted as straightforwardly romantic in the S7 finale, which may well be what GRRM does—if he doesn’t think Dany was raped by Drogo in the books, maybe he thinks R/L is an unproblematic love story, even if many have pointed out the consent issues. Finally, I don’t see his friend Arthur Dayne having his reputation challenged in any way in-universe for remaining with Rhaegar despite the fact that there is reasonable criticism to hold against him. My question, then, is: isn’t it more likely that Jon’s problem with r+l=j lies with his relationships with Ned and Dany and not with Rhaegar?

Hi, thanks for your submission, and sorry it took me a while to answer! ;))

Using the show as an indicator for how the books will deal with things like this is very tricky—because, as you said, the show sucks at psychological insight, and character motivations are usually either grossly simplified or not taken into consideration at all (which, ironically, makes them seem even more obscure and complicated if you’re trying to analyze them. See: the entire debate on why Sansa didn’t tell Jon about the knights of the Vale back in season 6. The show simply didn’t address the reason why she didn’t tell Jon, because it wasn’t important to the plot, but the fandom—me included—tried to make sense of it nonetheless, with increasingly convoluted explanations. Was Sansa trying to throw Jon under the bus, and let him perish in the battle so she could be lady of Winterfell? But that clashes with her desperate attempts to convince Jon to delay the battle. Did she hope they could do without Littlefinger’s help until last minute? Was she afraid that Jon would’ve had the final say on how to use the Knights, had he known? Was she trying to prevent him from taking credit for the victory? And so on).

There’s also the fact that the show dealt very quickly and superficially with the Prince that was Promised and Azor Ahai prophecies, mostly via Melisandre’s cryptic catchphrases and more as an afterthought or book nod than as an organic part of the narrative. The prophecy was just not conveyed well in the show. We’ve hardly ever seen other characters grapple with its meaning, or experienced its importance in the context of Westeros’ slowly waking up to the threat of the White Walkers. So, if the bulk of book!Jon’s reaction to r+l=j is temporarily rejecting his supposed role in the PtwP prophecy, it makes sense that the show completely skipped it, just as it makes sense that it skipped the valonqar part in Cersei’s prophecy: it simply has no place in the show’s narrative as they devised it. There would be no point in having a major character angst about his role in a prophecy, if said prophecy is all but a namedrop whose significance remains largely unknown to the average viewer who hasn’t read the book.

So… is it possible that in the books resurrected!Jon will go through a phase of complete rejection and denial of his heroic destiny, that will climax with the reveal of his parentage and a major identity crisis? Yes, totally. It’s exactly the mix of complex character study + mystical/magical stuff that I can see d&d scrapping in favor of a more materialistic, down to earth “game-of-thrones” narrative (the whole bend-the-knee pseudopolitical drama with Dany, for example).

But what will he reject, what will he deny? Which identity will challenged?

His destiny as a prophesied hero, fulfilling which has never been an (explicit) driving force for him? (we know everything Jon’s done in the Night’s Watch was building up towards his becoming the champion of humanity against darkness, the “third head of the dragon”, the “prince that was promised”, but it was Ned’s teachings and Ned’s moral lessons that inspired his choices and actions, not Rhaegar’s prophecy) His (non-existent) relationship with a biological father that never mattered to him?

Or…

isn’t it more likely that Jon’s problem with r+l=j lies with his relationships with Ned and Dany and not with Rhaegar?

^ Nailed it.

I think Jon’s psychological conflict about his parentage will be more about Ned/his Stark identity (and Dany) than about Rhaegar. For one thing, Rhaegar—regardless what light the overall story presents him in—isn’t really present in Jon’s narrative; Jon has virtually no opinion of him, and Rhaegar’s name rarely shows up in his chapters. Sure, when the PtwP prophecy finally erupts in Jon’s narrative and he realizes what Rhaegar was trying to accomplish, he’ll necessarily develop more complex feelings for him. But as of now, Rhaegar Targaryen is simply someone from the past that Jon isn’t really preoccupied with. Secondly, and more importantly, Rhaegar is a dead character, who has always been dead since the beginning of the story. I truly doubt he is going to have more of an impact on Jon’s character evolution than Ned (the father that raised him, the only father he’s known, and the faux-protagonist of book one) or Dany (the living and breathing major character Jon will plausibly have a romantic dynamic with, that with no doubt will be drastically affected by the parentage reveal).

I actually think it’s more likely and more narratively compelling that, rather than rebelling against Rhaegar, r+l=j makes Jon rebel against Ned, and everything he represents. Make him temporarily reject his Stark identity (out of fiery anger re: being lied to by Ned, and forced to a life of bastardy and anonymity, the reasons behind which resurrected!Jon, more wolf than he’s ever been, might not immediately understand, or care to understand) and embrace his Targaryen ancestry instead, with the whole fire&blood shebang. That is… until he’s made whole again by the love he has for his siblings, and the need to protect them. I think Jon’s love for his family—the family he grew up in—will be what eventually leads him *back home*, back to his Stark roots, back to Ned’s teachings.

[jizemderler]

It’s my birthday (yayy) and I‘ve decided to post the first chapter to a story I‘ve been writing. If you like it, I‘ll post more. If you don‘t, I‘ll keep writing for myself.

Enjoy!

One Flower: Camila Monroe is a teen. With her own ups and downs. Her loves and heartbreaks. Her lies and truths. Just one...out of a million flowers. But one flower is always someones favourite flower.

{Part One}

You know those movies or stories where the nerdy but hot girl hates that one super hot guy at school who is a football player, because they always are, but suddenly something happens - let’s say a chemistry project has to be done - and they get paired. Bada bing bada bum a bit of flirtation, drama, one problems or two, making up and a happy ever after.

Yeah that’s not my story though. I am the literal incarnation of the side dish. Don’t get me wrong I’m not the main course but people still like me. But on the side. Like the baby sister of that football player. I’m not hot, not in anyway. Not nerdy hot or innocent hot or any-hot. I’m not ugly either…I’m just me. Regular and invisible. And that’s not going to change throughout the story. No big make over where every guy at school falls in love with me. I’m also not really good at anything in particular. Like I don’t have a secret talent or like a sex dungeon and weird fetishes. I’m average, whatever that means, and I’m cool with it. Always was.

And for the record I said I was the baby sister but the omg-he’s-so-cute brother of mine isn’t that much older. He is a senior and I’m a junior. Not that he would have that overprotective brother thing. He doesn’t. Which I’m glad for. Most people don’t even know that we are siblings - or they choose to ignore it-  because we don’t look alike (duh) and because we don’t talk to each other at school. He lives in his world and I live in mine. Which is also cool with me. We also have a baby brother who is only 9. My mom and pap always wanted two kids but you know…things happen and so you get a kid 7 years apart from your second one. No biggie.

“Camila!”

And that’s the name of the side dish. Nice to meet you.

“Camila Monroe if you don’t come down right away your brother will leave without you!”

And that…that is the voice of my angry mom and my cue to stop daydreaming. I take my backpack and throw it over my shoulder and push my glasses back before going downstairs.

„Why didn’t you guys give me a second name? Like it doesn’t have the same affect when you call me by my full name. Not as dictator-y as it could be.“ I mock her playfully and she rolls her eyes.

„It’s too early for you to be witty with me. And now go. Oh and he is annoyed already. Be nice to him.” my Mom tells me and I roll my eyes. „I’m always nice. Bye mom.“ I answer and give her a kiss before stepping into my boots and walking outside. „You’re late.” he says as soon as I sit shotgun and I groan. “And you’re an ass.” He frowns and I roll my eyes at his mood. Mom was right. „What? I thought we were pointing out the obvious. Can we go?“ He looks at me, his mouth slightly open -ready to shoot back but then his gaze travels over my shoulder which makes me look too. Oh and then there is Noah. His brown hair is a bunch of curls falling into his face, covering some of his forehead, as if he just came out of the ocean. His eyebrows are currently formed into a frown which I know would go away if I would go over them with my thumb, stroking them slightly. As soon as his melty chocolate brown eyes catch mine I shake my head and look back at Jace. Noah is our neighbors kid. Who also happens to be my ex. Noah and I have been close since kindergarden. We developed feelings over the time and fell for each other. We were great together. He was like me in a sence. He was normal.

But then puberty hit him. Like a truck. And things changed. He changed. And I didn’t. Right next to me is Jock number one and over there staring into the car is Jock number 2. He just grew more popular day by day and I was overwhelmed. And that he was a senior didn’t help my self-confidence either. It’s been almost a year since we broke up. You know how you talk to someone until 4 a.m every single day and suddenly you don’t talkt to them at all anymore? That’s us. "Jace.” I say, no more playfullness in my voice and he understands and starts the engine immediatly. We drive in silence and I jump out of the car as soon as he shuts the engine off. “Wait! Take the keys. I’ll be late today.” he says and throws me the keys over the car and I pick them off the ground.

“Nice.”

“Shut up.”

I turn around at the gate and see him meet up with Noah and I cringe and turn around. They’re friends, share classes and they are in the same team of course they’ll meet up. At least Jace is sensitive enough not to do it in my face. As I walk into class I see the one person I’m comfortable around. “Thank god you’re here. I thought you were skipping and I already was planing on a way out. Probably the window. Two floors shouldn’t be that bad.” she jokes and I roll my eyes “Don’t say that.”

“Sure thing. Oh, look who’s coming.”

I put my stuff down and look up while tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and stop mid movement.

I introduced to you all of the people that matter in my life…everyone besides Ethan. He smiles one of his beautiful smiles towards me and winkes before sitting down infront of me.

“I think he has a cr…” Daya starts but I shush her immediatly. Ethan is the kind of guy who could have anyone but doesn’t notice it. He has those kind hazel eyes and wavy blond-ish hair, always a little messy. He himself is really put together though, in a hot way. His muscels help too of course. Definetly not a Jock but he seems to do some kind of sport.

“Don’t even start with that. We’re good friends.” I whisper over to her and she raises her hands above her head and leans back in her chair. “Hey Daya! Why are your arms up? Want to give me a hug?” some dumbass yells and I roll my eyes again. Here we go.

“Why don’t you go fuck yourself Peter? Since that is the only time you will ever get fu…”

“Good morning people! Alissa put that mirror down you don’t look any different than two minutes ago, Peter wipe that overwhelmed expression off your face we didn’t even start the lesson yet…and Daya! I heared.” Professor Khan said and put his bag down onto his desk. He was this old, slim and tall, indian man with grey hair and a grey beard. You could practically see that he was a heartbreaker in his young days. Maybe even now. I kinda liked him as a teacher because he was always chill.

„Alright class, who’s done their assignment?“

A roar goes through class and everybody starts looking around for someone to know what the assignment was but our confusion is ended with Mr Khans gentle laugh.

„Just kidding. I didn’t give you homework over the weekend because I’m that dope.” he says and adds a handsign in there which makes us all groan and roll our eyes.

„Isn’t that the term? Dope? Or was it Lit? In our time we called us fresh but that’s another story.“ he says and laughs to himself while unpacking his stuff.

„Alright. We will start a discussion.” he says and claps his hands while coming to the front and leaning against his desk. „What does success mean to you?“

I could see people frowning or rolling their eyes and I start scribbling something on the paper in front of me. „Camila?”. Of course. Of course Camila.

„Uh, I mean…everything is based on success these days. You want to be respected and looked up on in school? You got to be successfull. But not too successfull because then you’re a nerd. You want to have it easy with the teacher? Just be great at their subject and everything will be fine. You want to go to a specific college? You got to be successfull in highschool. You want to actually work after college? You got to be one of the best in your classes. You want to keep your job? You better be the best….I guess.“ I finish my ranting and he nods to my answer.

„Yes. Aiden.” Mr. Khan says and dismisses me and I take a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

„You want to talk about something?“ Daya whispers over to me and I raise my eyebrows. „What? Me? No. Why?” I whisper back immediatly and she leans back again. „I don’t know. You seemed…troubled.“

„Nah. I’m fine. Really. Just wanted him to let me off the hook.” I answer and she shruggs her shoulders.

„Okay.“

The discussion continues and I don’t take part in it anymore. Success is overrated anyway. What about hapiness? What if I’m successfull but unhappy? Is success still more important then?

I pack my belongings after the bell rings while everybody starts to storm out. After I’m finished I throw my bag over my shoulder and start walking out too when Mr. Khan holds me up.

„Hey, Camila?”

„Yes, sir?“

„Success isn’t all that bad you know. You just have to get to it in your own way and not how other people want you to.” he says and smiles a little smile and I shrug apologetically.

„Whatever you say Mr.Khan.“ I say before backing away towards the door and saluting playfully as a goodbye which makes him chuckle and shake his head.

I walk out with a grin and forget to look straight ahead and collide with a chest. I grip onto my stuff so nothing slides to the ground and so does the person I collided with, by holding me by my arms. „Sorry.” I say before I look up and meet those brown eyes again. Shit. He let’s go of me like a hot potato and takes a step back.

„Suits you.“ he blurts out and I frown.

„What?”

„The smile. You don’t do it very often anymore.“ he says like in trance and I shift uncomfortably under his gaze. I shake my head and sigh to myself before stepping aside to leave without another word. I’m a lot of things but one thing I’m not is beeing friends with my ex. That doesn’t work. Not even in movies. I walk through the halls towards my next classes trying not to think about his face.

***

After my last class I said my goodbye to Daya and made my way to the parking lot. While pulling out the key I stuffed into the side pocket of my bag I noticed someone in the corner of my eye. „Hey! You need a ride?” I asked before my brain could catch up and Ethan looked up towards me with raised eyebrows.

„Hey! Uh…my mom was going to be here but she got caught up. So actually, yeah. If it’s okay.“ he stumbled over his words and made me laugh.

„Sure thing. Just to warn you though: I may not be the best driver.” I joked while waving him over and we started to walk to my car. „You live near the city park right?“ I ask while getting into the drivers seat and he sits shutgun. „Yeah. But you can drop me of on your way to yours. I‘ll just have to take a right and walk two minutes from there.“ he offers and I shrug my shoulders while starting the engine. I ignore the brown curls while I drive out of the parking lot and concentrate on the road.

„So who else do you have in your classes?“ I ask into the silence and he looks over. „Well we‘ve got English together with Mr.Khan. I love that guy.“ he chuckles and and I smile and nodd so he can continue, „I got Miss Hallow in math and I could die right here right now thinking of that. I feel like she is the evil witch of our school.“

„Yeah I‘m so happy that I don‘t have her this year. She made my life hell last year.“ I say before I recognize what I just said and facepalm myself in my head. He looks at me with a grin and I squint my eyes for a split second before I remember that I‘m the one driving.

„Sorry.“

„It‘s okay. I love hearing you rambling. Sometimes people habe to many filters.“ He says looking out the front window and try not to frown and decipher what he means by that.

„Anyway. I got Mr. Masselin in Biology.“

„Who‘s that? I don‘t recall that name?“ I ask inbetween.

„You know the hot one? Every girl and I think some guys too, is drooling after him.“ he says rolling his eyes and makes me chuckle. „Doesn‘t ring a bell.“ I say and he smiles. „Thank god.“ As soon as he says that his eyes go wide and he looks at me, his cheeks slightly flushed. „I mean, you know. Thank god your not one of the basic ones.“ he drives himself deeper into the mud and makes me laugh.

„Yeah. Never have been.“ I say trying to lift some of the emberrasment off of his shoulders. „Moving on. I have Mrs Khan in chemistry. And let me tell you she is nothing like her husband. That woman is feisty. Not kidding.“ he changes the topic.

„Yeah, I know! Noah used to love messing around with her, just to get on her nerves.“ I say again, my mouth faster than my brain. I start to think if I do have any filter. An awkward silence spreads between us and I repeatedly facepalm myself in my head. I‘m so stupid for bringing him up.

„That‘s the senior right? The Jock? I‘ve seen him woth your brother. They seem to be good friends.“ he says as if we aren‘t talking about my ex and I‘m so gratefull that he is taking it so light heartedly.

„Yeah that one.“ I asnwer and he nods letting go of the subject.

„You see that spot. You can stop right there.“ he says after two minutes more of driving in silence and I pull over. „Thank you for letting me ride along.“ he says with a 1000 watt smile and my heart skipps a beat. „Sure thing.“ I say and return his smile. He takes his bag and gets out of the car. I‘m about to say bye when he turns around. He has this nervous expression on his face and keeps shifting from one leg to the other.

„Uh, I wanted to ask you something? Dou you want to, you know, go out sometime? Maybe for the movies or just dinner. I don‘t know.“ he says nervously and avoids my eyes and I put him out of his misery. „I‘d love to.“

„Really?“ he says surprised and I chuckle.

„Why is that such a shocker to you?“ I tease and his cheeks flush again.

„Uh, no! It‘s not. It‘s great actually. Thank you. I - I‘ll text you when?“ he offers and I nodd with a smile and his heartwarming smile returns to his lips.

„See you.“

„Bye.“ he says and shuts the door and waves while I pull out of my spot and drive away. That was fun.

***

I‘m doing my homework after dinner and jump when I hear a loud thud from the other room where Jace is. I put my pen onto my desk and listen carefully what‘s going on.

„Shit.“

„Fuck.“ I hear him curse and I get up to walk out of my room. I remember my mom saying that he wasn‘t in a good mood and appearently that hadn‘t changed throughout the day. I knock lightly at his door and wait for an answer.

„I‘m fine.“ he says and I roll my eyes.

„I‘m coming in.“ I warn him and open the door. I stay in the door and lean against the doorframe. „Hey.“

„Hey.“ he murmurs and I roll my eyes again. I walk into the room and throw myself beside him onto the bed.

„You good?“

„Yeah.“

„You don’t sound like it.“ I press and he sighs.

„Just let it go?“ he asks and I shrugg my shoulders turning onto my back lying next to him.

„Whenever you‘re ready big bro.“ I say to lighten the mood but I make sure that he doesn‘t miss the sincere undertone.

[ocean-skies]

open journal entry

I have definitely been struggling to write this all down... between my distractions and my pride, i have too much and not enough to write down. At first, I was going to completely dig up everything... I was gonna touch more on the toxic relationship I just removed myself from, and kind of vent about the existential i guess realizations i haven't really explained all of to anyone. i've been nervous about someone seeing my innermost thoughts(why not keep it to myself? kept in secret in my own journal) but maybe it can help someone to share some of it. maybe it will help me. or maybe i should do it just because it takes me out of my comfort zone. anyways, im just gonna jump into it and get hella personal before i overthink it more so if i know you personally, this isn’t exactly something I feel is healthy to dwell and talk on anymore after this. even though the story of the end of my relationship with my ex last month goes a long while before this, what started to turn my life upside down recently was when i started short term therapy, which i'm hoping to increase. i thought it would help to go to get some advice on coping with my anxiety, and secretly, to get some objective advice on what i was only beginning to suspect was a toxic relationship. my counselor pointed out to me the emotional manipulation i was being subjected to, and why i was letting it happen... she pointed me in a direction that would start to change my entire perspective on my life. when i told her about the way my mother is and was to me growing up, she pointed out to me how spot on the way i turned out ended up being when you're the daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. why i have so much anxiety and why i'm such a pushover and especially susceptible to not just attracting toxic relationships in my life, but desiring them. the familiar is most comfortable, whether it's what is healthy for us or not, and recognition of that has only been the first step. I began after this to really analyze everyone in my life, especially my gf at the time. I knew I was being taken for granted, and that i was not taking a lot of red flags as seriously as i should have. But I didn't even know where to begin to address it. The battles i faced daily for 18 years of my life shaped me into someone who avoids confrontation as a means of survival. i have gotten better, and i thought i was past the point of not being able to speak up and say no to things that make me uncomfortable, but it's still a struggle. as experiences where im taken advantage of make me ever more uncomfortable, i get a little closer each time to handling it the right way. Sometimes, it takes an especially frustrating experience to really push me, such as one i had with a new friend at a kickback who took advantage of my inability to be firm especially while intoxicated so she could continue unwanted physical sexual contact. i felt uncomfortably taken advantage of, as small of a transgression as it was, and it was because i recognized how weak i was through my submission to someone I was supposed to be comfortable with because of my fear of offense, of saying no. that same get together, i grew close with a girl i met there, and i started to repeat the toxic cycle I find myself in. right in front of me i saw myself growing towards someone absolutely unavailable, which i realized was one of my problems- i was seeking the (especially emotionally) unavailable. all of this happened throughout the end of may into june, while I was in an open relationship with my ex who barely talked to me, but that wasn't even the beginning of my journey with addressing what was in front of me with them and finding the strength to let go. It broke my heart to let go, and i still feel guilty to have been the one to ask for my ex back last january and then be the one to give up this last june, but i know what is going to be healthiest for me. I was fighting for someone emotionally unavailable who led me on that they could be open, and that they could change. I ignored all the early red flags, like the blatant and serious lying, feeling myself turn into someone I didn’t want to be, their serious inability to commit and lack of respect held for me as well as being taken for granted. Their inability to communicate, even when we needed it most and more lies and excuses for inexcusable behavior. I fell victim to the sweet promise of change, of going back to the way things were before true colors were shown. I ignored for so long what it meant when they could make time for their friends but never for me, not even when we had not seen or hardly spoken to eachother in weeks, with our interactions slowly diminished into them being glued to their phone when we would finally get to hang out, mostly ignoring my repeated attempts at conversation for a couple hours until they wanted me to fuck them. i feel sad that i put so much energy towards someone who wanted me to fight for them, who expected me to run after them, yet still refused to even look back or fight for me when i was the one leaving. refused to even react, just sit in their room and be fine. Its only been an affirmation of toxicity. giving up is hard for me, and giving up the love i feel for someone is the hardest decision i have ever made, but the sickness in my relationship made it easy, once i started to recognize it and see that I deserve an equally reciprocated love. i was stuck on all this for a while, but now the wounds are healing and i can assess the damage and try to grow. i have always had a big soft heart, a softness someone would be lucky to have despite the pain I have endured. But my heart is finally too tired of trying to be loved- it's grown cold in a way that that i'm reluctant to recover from. Ive come to terms that my mother will never love me unconditionally, and the same with my father, and with it is my drive to believe in and seek out a love like that elsewhere, a love that could match the kind I want so badly to give. I finally know what its like to have walls up in my heart that have a solid foundation, walls that even I, who alone knows every weakness in it, can see it as almost to impenetrable for comfort. I have no desire anymore for those who can't show me that i'm wanted just as equally in their life, a desire that has me leaving many behind. I've begun the recognition stage with everyone in my life now, and i'm learning the value of watching for the people who genuinely want me in their lives enough to make real effort and letting go of those who don't have my best interests in mind and can't participate in a healthy and equal giving/reciprocating relationship. but managing my relationships is only a small sliver of my journey, and counseling has taught me that. the solution to all of my problems lies within myself already. when i hit rock bottom i realized just how much weight i put into my relationships, and especially the wrong ones, and that has been a major building block for my journey. learning to love myself, by myself, is just as important to my healing process as identifying the issues that come from my upbringing. learning to peacefully live with myself, which includes my anxieties and shortcomings, is the only way to start a path away from choosing the wrong people in my life, and letting them affect me so greatly. i can't focus on someone else in the way they deserve without first coming from a healthy mindset ready to take on that challenge. i've been improving and working on that, and progress has definitely been good 👌🏼i'm no longer self harming and having ideations because of anyone else's actions, and i've finally got a crucial lesson through my head: nobody except for myself is going to make me better. no amount of anyone else's advice or support will make me secure enough in myself to overcome my anxiety, and i can't wait for someone to come along and help me, i have to do it myself and move on. because nobody will be there, that sign will never come and i only have myself for sure in my life, and only I can go that extra mile for myself. i have to work on the very way i think, and i can't blame myself for the steps i have to take to get there. it's hard not comparing my journey to someone else's but i have to remember that my journey towards happiness is mine alone, and learning to be happy alone is the first step. it's been hard for those who know me to understand when i work on being alone, and i do feel sorry for how not responding to them can make them feel but i know what i need to do in my daily life to work on overall happiness and to maintain my emotional individuality, as it's something i'm often too quick to give up. so that's it's for now, this was a long one lol and i don't think i'll edit it since i'm tired of writing so i'll start smaller stuff later 

[xiumin-on-this-shit]

Two Bosses Ch 3: Jealous

It has been three weeks since I started working for Sehun and Kai. Things have been great! I’ve become close with Yoona and a few other of Taeyeon’s pretty friends on the few days I’m able to eat lunch with them. Like Sehun said, I accompany them on most of their lunch meetings, which they happen to have one almost everyday.  Though I don’t mind, the food is always good and the fact that I never have to pay is a bonus. Xiumin hasn’t been enjoying it though, I’m a lot busier and don’t get home till six or seven every night. He is always pouting when he picks me up from work, telling me that the guys work me too hard. But even though he is right, I don’t mind.

Yes, I have long days and am constantly running from floor to floor to get or deliver things, or on the phone with bitchy assistants and dick head bosses. But apart from those rude people I have to deal with, my bosses are worth it. Though I was kind of worried about how far the skinship would go, the worries have been put to rest. It’s freaking amazing!

As soon as we are alone they are both always touching me, back hugging me as I make coffee, insisting I sit as close to them as possible when they are having me look over papers with them. There have been a few times when tried to get me to sit on their lap and only once was Kai able to convince me. But what drives me insane isn’t their full on affection in the office but their secret little things during meetings or lunch dates. Like their hand on my thigh, when they squeeze it firmly before giving me a sweet, harmless smile. Or how Sehun always rubs my leg with his foot under the table. All of their affection is kicking my libido in the ass, much to Xiumin’s happiness. He has no problem but does have a couple questions for my sudden high sex drive.

I have found out that they both love playing with my hair. Something about my perfect curls makes them want to play with it. Even as we sit in a meet, like we are right now, Kai continues to pull on the individual curls and watches them bounce back up. I swat his hand a way causing him to pout. Sehun clears his throat and Kai snaps around to continue paying attention to the older man speaking in front of them.

The massive U shaped table is filled with older men in neat suit, papers and tablets are laying out on the tables, while secretaries are siting behind their bosses with their own tablets out taking notes. Even as I type every word on my Ipad I’m only half paying attention because of freaking Sehun, who keeps giving me these sexy side glances when he ‘accidently’ brushes his arm against mine. When the meeting is over everyone stands and bows to the guys as we leave the room. The walk through the cubicles is something I learned to dread. All the female employees are gawking without shame at Sehun and Kai, much to my displeasure.

Even some of Taeyeon’s friends, two girls I haven’t really had a chance to talk with are joining in on the staring. My opinion of them shouldn’t be affected by it but how dare they stare at what is mine! Wait, I think to myself, they are not mine. They are my bosses, my very attractive bosses. As soon as we are in the elevator we all let out a sigh happy to be out of everyone’s prying eyes.

“That was one of the most boring things I’ve ever listened to,” Sehun grumbles as he rubs his eyes.

“I would have much rather spent those two hours playing with Jimin’s hair,” Kai whines as he continues playing with my curls. My mind still on those gawking girls.

“You pretty much did, you’re lucky no one was paying attention.” Sehun snaps at him. The other just sticks his tongue out at him. What children. We exit the elevator; the boys are automatically on my heels as I walk to my desk. “Jimin-ah,” Sehun calls, “Are you okay?”

I snap out of my irritated mindset and smile softly at them, “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You always seem angry when we come back from meetings,” Kai says this time.

Of course I’m angry! I want to yell; we sit there for hours as you basically feel me up, driving me sexually insane. Then we have to walk threw a room of staring girls that are stripping you with their eyes, something I do regularly, but that is not the point. Where is Xiumin when you need him?

Who needs Xiumin when you have two hot guys right in front of you?

Not now libido!

I shake off my sexual frustration and say, “don’t worry boys, I’m fine.” They don’t seem convinced but don’t press it further.

“We should discuss the meeting,” Sehun says as he walks to his office, leaving the door open for Kai and I to follow. Kai slips his hand into mine and leads me around the desk to Sehun’s office. Sehun has already made himself comfortable on his couch with the papers from the meeting already spread out on the glass coffee table. Kai lets go of my hand to hand Sehun the notes he took and takes a seat on the couch, leaving a small spot, just enough for me to squeeze in between but instead I sit across from them in one of the lone chairs. As soon as I sit down both of their eyes snap up and their brows rise.

“Why are you so far away?” Kai pouts.

“Are you okay?” Sehun asks again.

“I’m fine, I just… need a little space,” I force a smile, I’m too horny to sit that close to you at the moment. The both frown deeply at my answer. They always react like this when I deny them skinship; though I’ve only done it two other times and both times I still end up snuggled up against one of them. Then snuggled a little closer to Xiumin a few hours later.

Sehun opens his mouth to say something but the ding of an elevator saves me. I jump out of my seat and rush out without another word, silently thanking my savior. That thanks is taken back when I see an annoyingly pretty blonde standing in the lobby. It’s rare to see another foreigner; this is my first time seeing one in the building. She looks up at me as I exit the office, closing the door behind me.

I give her a kind smile, “Hello, welcome, how can I help you?” The guys don’t have any appointments until tomorrow, a group of their friends are meeting here for lunch, guy friends as they mentioned. She scans me up and down with a look I can only describe as disgust. It takes all of my strength not to do the same as I take in her too short skirt and low hanging tube top. Not that the outfit is bad, or that she even looks bad in it, but this is an office not a club.

“Who the hell are you?” She snaps obnoxiously in sloppy Korean.

“I am Ms. Park, the secretary. Who are you Ms.?”

“Claira.”

I give her another, less kind more forced, smile, “What can I do for you Ms. Claira?”

“Kai.”

I would love to do him. I some how manage to keep those words from coming out of my mouth, I have never been so proud of myself.

“Mr. Kim is busy at the moment, would you like to leave a message?”

“Fuck no!” She snaps, this time in English. I’m surprised when she starts charging toward the office doors. Without any hesitation I’m in front of the door, blocking the bitch out.

“I’m sorry but I’m under strict orders to not allow anyone in the office without permission.” I respond in English.

“Kai won’t care!” She growls. “I know without question he would let me in! I’ve been here plenty of times!” She lies. Than why are going to Sehun’s office, you dumb girl?

I roll my eyes, “Fine,” I start, she smirks as if she has won, “I personally do not want to let you in.” Her jaw drops. “Regardless of how Mr. Kim feels, I am the one who must let you in since he is not here and I am saying no.”

“What was that?”

“I said no, now please leave. If you need to speak with Mr. Kim so urgently please call his personal phone to do so at a better time.”

“Who the hell do you think you are?” She pushes me, causing me to stumble back a step but I quickly find my footing and stand strait again, without a smile this time.

“I am starting to loose my patients. Please Ms. Claira, this is the last time I’m saying this nicely, please leave.” She opens her mouth to snap something but I hold up my hand to silence her, “but before you respond, I feel the need to mention that I grew up in New York taking boxing lessons.”

Her mouth snaps close.

“Good, now come this way,” I place my hand on her back, smiling for real when I see her flinch at my touch, and lead her toward the elevator. I watch her step in, bowing slightly as the door closes. When she is gone I can’t help but continue glaring at the door; ideas of what her and Kai’s relationship float through my mind and I can’t help but feel jealous. A nasty pinching feeling forms in my chest as I think about either of them in a relationship. I’m to absorbed in my own thought to notice Sehun creep up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist and rests his head on top of mine.

“Who was it?”

“Claira,” I deadpan.

“Claira?” He asks confused as his thumbs start rubbing my sides in small circles. A small smirk of satisfaction appears on my face at his words. If Sehun hasn’t heard of her she must not be that important. Good. I turn around in his embrace and rest my head against his chest as my arms wrap around his waist.

“It’s not important. Lets go talk about that meeting,” I look up at him and give him a genuine smile. He smiles back before leading into his office. Kai is there frowning Sehun and mine’s locked fingers.

“What happened?” Kai pouts as I sit on the other side of Sehun, away from him.

“Claira?” Sehun repeats glancing at Kai who automatically stiffens and stares past Sehun to me. I ignore him, resting my head on Sehun’s shoulder as he slouches ion the couch, papers in hand. I wrap my arm around his as I snuggle closer into his side, something he welcomes by making me release his arm so he wrap it around my shoulders to pull me closer.

[blissfullylostinarabbithole]

This Feeling that Remains Pt. 5 (Final)

Pairing: Walter x Reader (Gender Unspecified)

Word Count: 1.3k

Summary: Walter defends your honor at Karine’s party, and you decide you’ve done enough thinking.

A/N: Surprise! You guys get the final part tonight, too! Sorry it took so long. I hope you enjoy it, and as always, thanks for reading!

<< Prev  

Karine’s birthday was fast approaching, and you still had no idea how you were going to dress. Before helping Walter at the orange grove, you wouldn’t have stressed over something that seemed so trivial, but since then, you hadn’t been able to get him out of your head and wanted to look your best. Whenever the strange feeling hit while you were in town, you began looking around and eventually found him, looking right back at you. You tried to swallow your nerves and smile, sending him a short wave.

At first, he was embarrassed at having been caught, but as you didn’t react negatively, he started smiling and waving back. Every time, he grew more hopeful for a favorable result. You had told him it had happened fast, but for him, it’d been happening for a long time.

When he delivered the bags to Chris, he was pulled inside and asked if anything had happened. His jaw dropped lower and lower as Walter explained, and inadvertently made him uneasy when he frowned at your last response. He stumbled over his words, affirming what you’d told him about it not being a bad thing. Chris knew you fairly well, and hearing you’d been affected by Walter and possibly felt something for him return, he knew you wouldn’t let something like that go without exploring it.

The day of the party came, and Walter was a mess. If he had trouble before, it was a nightmare now with his emotions going into overdrive. He didn’t know how humans could handle it, or how they even made sense of it. The Orams had convinced him to ask you to dance at the party, and even offered to teach him. During one of his lessons, he had asked Karine how it was possible to feel so awful and so wonderful at the same time. She smiled sympathetically, explaining that’s what it felt like when one loses their heart to another; the anticipation and uncertainty threatening to drive the person mad. It was well worth the risk, she ensured, when the recipient of such affections returned them.

The party was in full swing, but Walter was unable to hold a conversation, too nervous awaiting your arrival. Though he was a guest, he ended up passing food and drink to the other guests to keep himself busy. As he was making the rounds, he heard someone mention your name, and quickly found the source; it was the young man who was often in your company.

He ground his teeth hearing the salacious tales about you he was telling his friends. Walter listened on as he lied about all the different ways he took you, and how he planned on taking you after you were wed. He stepped away and placed the tray down on a table before the urge to smash him over the head with it overtook him. He heard the boy say how you begged him for it, and how in love with him you were, and he couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

“You’re lying,” Walter seethed.

“Sorry?” he scoffed. “Who are you?”

“Toby, that’s the android creep that’s always staring at Y/N I told you about,” one of his friends informed.

“Oh,” he nodded, jutting his jaw. He pulled his fist back and punched Walter squarely on the nose, making him stumble back. “Anyone catches you staring again, your ass is going to be scrap!”

Everyone around them looked on in stunned silence and Walter wiped his nose of the leaking, white substance. No one was sure if the android could harm a human, even in self defence. Chris was about to step in when you walked into the room.

“What’s going on? Are you alright?” The crowd parted for you, but you were met with Toby.

“I’m fine, just putting this robot trash in its place.” He took your chin and attempted to lean in for a kiss. You smacked his hand away and recoiled from him, attempting to sidestep him. He grabbed your arm and pushed you toward his friends. “Take my betrothed out for some air.”

Just as he turned, he was met by Walter with a hard blow to the chest, knocking the wind out of him and incapacitating him for several minutes.

“Release Y/N, now,” he sternly demanded. Toby’s friends released you, rushing to his aid, leaving Walter free to check on you. “Are you alright? Did they hurt you?”

“I’m fine,” you smiled as you continued to let him check you. “What happened?”

“You should take him home,” Chris told Toby’s friends, telling them they were no longer welcome. He turned to address you and Walter next. “Go with Karine. She’ll get you a first aid kit.”

You took Walter’s hand and lead him to the hallway where she was waiting, and followed her to her bedroom.

“I must apologize, I-”

“You did the right thing, Walter,” she reassured. “The bathroom is just there, and the kit is on the counter. Take your time.” With that, she left you alone.

You gestured for Walter to sit while you fetched the kit and a damp towel, trying not to smile at the feeling indicating he was watching you.

“So, are you going to tell me what all that was about?” you asked, gently wiping his face of his fluids. He just stared quietly as before, making you chuckle. “I thought we were past this. Please don’t go back to not speaking to me.”

“He was spreading falsehoods,” he replied, growing nervous at your expression telling him to go on. “About your… intimate life…” he trailed off bashfully.

You cupped his cheek, and he leaned into your touch with a shaky breath. Leaning closer, you hesitantly brushed your lips against his. Without warning, he stood from the bed, firmly locking your lips together as his body curled into yours. The kiss was desperate, and you found yourself just as hungry for him as he was for you. You tried to pull away, but his lips followed your own and you had to push his shoulders to make him stop.

“I just need to catch my breath.” The kiss had you both seeing stars, and you grinned at each other as you calmed your breathing. “How do you feel?”

“Like my chest is going to explode,” he sighed dreamily. “Does this mean…?”

“I’d like to try, yes. We can figure the rest out together.”

“Then, would it be acceptable to kiss you again?”

You took his hands and wrapped his arms around your middle and placed your own on his cheeks, pulling him close. “Please,” you whispered. The kiss was softer, but no less breathtaking. You pulled away, grinning at the way his eyes were still closed. “So what now?”

His eyes fluttered open, taking him a moment to process what you’d asked. “Dancing,” he replied hoarsely. “I promised the Orams I’d ask you to dance tonight.”

You danced for the rest of the night, and while you were lost in thought, Walter decided to strip himself of everything; doubts, fears, unanswered questions, reasoning… he set it all aside, and considered only what remained: desire, jealousy, a yearning to be the reason for your happiness, pain… love?

“David was right...” he thought aloud.

You hummed, lifting your head from his shoulder. “What was that?”

He pressed a chaste kiss to your lips. “Nothing.”

Nodding, you buried your face his neck and continued to sway with him.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Chris smiling your way. He gave him a short nod, silently thanking him for his help before nuzzling his cheek into you, basking in the euphoria that settled the war waging inside him. For the first time in a long time, Walter felt at peace. He felt like he wasn’t so different from the humans he was created to serve; how could he be when he could fall so hopelessly in love with one?

~ ~ TAG LISTS ~ ~

Permanent -  @melconnor2007 @ria132love @psychicwitchphilosopher @sireennotsiren  @silence–in–the–library @thefridgeismybestie @hymnofthevalkyrie

This Feeling that Remains -  @mazekeene @angelicdragonn

[bambinovak]

Primadonna - Dean Winchester

summary; in which y/n is massively misunderstood and it had started to get her down. but, it only gets worse when dean, himself, decides that he can’t handle her anymore either and drives y/n into packing her bags and leaving the bunker - leaving him - potentially for good. [110617]

warnings; angst, language, mentions of past physical and verbal abuse, verbal abuse, dean being a complete asshole

words; 4.9k

Masterlist

Primadonna girl, yeah All I ever wanted was the world I can't help that I need it all The primadonna life, the rise and fall You say that I'm kinda difficult But it's always someone else's fault Got you wrapped around my finger, babe You can count on me to misbehave

THE FIRST TIME you had actually heard someone spit out those strident words about you, it had been when you got back from a hunt. You had been utterly bruised and battered by those ghouls and all you wanted to do was head home and slip into a well-earned slumber, your limbs aching incessantly and your eyes struggling to stay open, but Dean had been adamant on celebrating a job well done.

You had left to visit the lady's bathroom. You had only been gone a couple of minutes and already, they had started spewing rude comments about you.

"Dean, humour me - how is someone like you, with someone like her?" When you faintly perceived the words flowing sourly from some hunter's mouth, his eyebrow raised in amusement and his lips pulled into a hostile and malicious smirk, you stopped abruptly in your tracks on your way back to the table and slid sneakily behind a nearby wall instead - still able to hear their crude conversation centred around you.

Your boyfriend's reply was muffled and your eyes subconsciously narrowed down at him from where you stood, hidden in the desolate shadows of the dusty bar.

"But she's such a nuisance," Hearing their preconceived and cruel words, your eyebrows furrowed and your mouth fell open slightly, dejected that people who didn't even know you would voice their snide judgement about you to Dean. Upon hearing their words, vicious memories that you pushed so far down began to unwillingly resurface in your mind.

The other hunter spoke up from where she was sat at the dusky marble of the bar, perched on her seat on the other side of Dean, "Typical primadonna girl if you ask me."

Waiting patiently, but not hearing the man you loved defend you at all, you felt your heart drop; you took a step out from being consumed by dark shadows and swallowed away the sting of tears that threatened to make their escape.

It was like your previous partner, Aaron all over again, his harsh words echoing in your ears like he had only just spat them at you. Aaron was over five years ago, and still, his words affected you majorly to present day.

"You're so controlling. Everything has to be your way, doesn't it? What is wrong with you? You're so difficult to be with. It's your fault I say these things so don't start crying about it! I'm trying to teach you a lesson." You had just told him to stop moving the 'ugly' welcome mat from the front door. It had a blood red devil's trap painted delicately to the bottom side to it. You had just been trying to protect him and yourself.

"Please, Aaron, j-just trust me. Please, just put it back by the front door; w-we don't need to keep arguing about this," Your voice was quiet and barely audible as your bleary eyes stayed focused on the bleak ground below you - too terrified to look into his fiery gaze.

"There you go again! Always expecting other people to do things for you! Stop being so god damn demanding and start to understand that not everyone will hand you whatever you want on a gold fucking platter!" His hand came up to run his fingers aggravatingly through his dark hair but you couldn't help but flinch away from his abrupt action, squeezing your eyes shut and bracing yourself for the callous hit.

It hadn't been the first time that he had hit you. So, you had to hide your complete confusion when he caught you expecting the bitter and punitive slap and took an intimidating step closer - gripping at your shoulders harshly, instead.

Your body immediately tensed up at the rough contact, your figure going rigid and wince falling from your lips when his fingers dug nastily into your skin. "Don't be such a fucking drama queen. I wasn't going to hit you this time."

Most of your life, people had labelled you and given their unkind opinions on you - wrongly preconceiving you and then deciding that they didn't want to get to know you anyway.

Just because you had been trying to save as many people's lives as you could until your time was up too; sometimes you couldn't help but be rude and sometimes you shot first and asked questions later but it was only because you longed for a world not consumed by monsters.

Ever since your parents had been ruthlessly killed by demons right in front your fifteen-year-old eyes, that's all you had been trying to do - trying to make the world a better, safer place.

And so, making your way back to the bar, your mind was ridden with the same insecure thoughts as you tried to shoot Dean a believable smile before speaking up - your voice involuntarily wavering with bitter emotion, "Hey, D?"

Mid-laugh at something one of them said once they'd noticed you're arrival and changed the subject, he turned to you with a grin, "Yeah, sweetheart?" You internally winced when you realised that he noticed the slight tremble of your bottom lips, your wistful and unhappy state and your sad eyes.

His grin dropped, along with the bright and cheerful atmosphere that you seemed to helplessly tamp between the three hunters, "Hey, what's wrong?" With his tone modifying instantaneously, he asked with considerable concern.

"Nothing, Dean... I just, um, I-I think I'm gonna head back to the bunker now," You lowered your voice to conceal the quake and kept your teary eyes locked onto the bar in front of you to hide the glassy orbs when you became aware of the other hunter's stares.

"Okay, let me give you a lift," With his reply, your iris' darted towards his piercing green orbs and you had to shake your head, the thoughts from before swirling dismally in your mind.

"Not everyone will hand you whatever you want on a gold fucking platter."

You attempted to gulp down the lump in your throat before speaking up, "No, no, it's... It's fine, I can walk from here. I need some fresh air anyway. See you later?"

Knowing that you weren't alright, Dean shook his head with adamant - his gaze adequate with worry as he eyed your shaken persona, "Hey, no, (Y/N) - let me drive you; I'm turning in for tonight, anyway."

A sudden snort of laughter made your eyes travel unwillingly to the other, unnamed hunters, "Didn't realise Winchesters were so easily manipulated these days," The woman commented with a snide and a mocking chuckle as she threw her beer back and chugged - as if it were meant to intimidate you that she could drink. The other, a tall male with a seemingly permanent scowl pulling at the corners of his lips, snickered and nodded along with her rude statement.

Your eyebrows tugged inward, "Manipulated?" You repeated incredulously, the anger  in your voice a sudden and complete contrast to your melancholy mood prior.

Dean spoke up just after, his tone now bristling along with yours as his suddenly angry eyes narrowed down at the two, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" And among your red hot irritancy, you felt slightly better hearing him defend you and himself.

The woman chortled again and your exasperation only grew, "Nothing, man, just that she's got you wrapped around her little finger. It's funny."

Primadonna girl, Would you do anything for me? Buy a big diamond ring for me? Would you get down on your knees for me? Pop that pretty question right now, baby Beauty queen on a silver screen Living life like I'm in a dream I know I've got a big ego I really don't know why it's such a big deal, though

You could always handle other people's vicious and nasty words to a certain extent. Sure, their opinions of you hurt a decent amount, but they would never compare to hearing them come from the man you loved with everything you had - even if he had said them unintentionally hurtful and wounding, they still hurt.

The happily chatting family sat two tables away from where you and Dean munched on your burger and chips and Sam slurped his healthy smoothie, inevitably caught your eye when their joyful laughter rang like bells in your ears.

Not so discreetly, your eyes singled in on the big, shiny, diamond ring that fitted perfectly on the woman's ring finger and unfairly sparkled in the sunlight as she smiled contently at her husband from across the table. Their young kids, a boy and a girl, ate their lunch - well behaved and respectful. You could faintly hear their giggling from where you sat and instantly, you felt a wave of envy flow through your being.

Dean noticed your longing gaze and glanced over his shoulder to take a look at the elated family as well, "Too bad a life like that isn't in the cards for hunters, hm?"

Abruptly snapping out of your trance at the sound of his voice, you blinked slowly and focused on Dean's gleaming green iris' instead; your eyebrows furrowed - slightly offended after you took in and processed his casual comment. "Just because that's what all hunters think, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to have the life that we want or the 'perfect life'." You couldn't help but feel resentful and indignant towards his nonchalant and uncaring mood about the situation.

His reply was immediate as he dismissed your suddenly frustrated tone with a shrug of his shoulders, "Well, that would be selfish."

"Don't we deserve to be a little selfish? We save the world practically every other week and no one ever notices. Can't we let it be someone else's turn for once?" Before you were inevitably pulled into hunting, you hadn't necessarily desired a big house with a white picket fence that you shared with your loving husband and kids, maybe even a dog.

But, after your parents passed away around ten years ago and you fell into a hunter's life - teaming up with the Winchesters and inescapably falling in love with Dean, you knew that you would never be able to fulfil that distant dream. And, now that said dream seemed impossible and not in sight whatsoever, you wished for it more than anything.

"True, but the white picket fence life doesn't work out for hunters." He shrugged again.

With your teeth encasing your bottom lip in anticipation, you had to ask - dangerously wanting to know his thoughts that he kept locked, guarded, and bottled up, "So, you're telling me that you'd never propose to anyone? Or even consider it?"

"Are you asking me to propose to you?!" At hearing the disbelief in his tone and the way his eyebrows shot up incredulously, you knew that you shouldn't have even brought up the idea. You should have learnt by now that bringing up the future that you longed for is always going to be risky. You shouldn't even be thinking about it; Aaron taught you that. Why don't you learn, (Y/N)?

"Don't be so demanding, (Y/N); we're not getting married or having kids."

"N-Not even in...in, I don't know, ten years time? You wouldn't want that, Aaron?"

"I don't even know why you're thinking that far ahead, to be honest, it's quite selfish to imply that. Is that the plan? To tie me down?"

"What? No. Of course not." You lied easily, ignoring the small part of you wanting to admit that yes, that was what you had been implying, because after being together for over four years, you wanted to take the next step in yours and Dean's relationship more than anything.

But mostly, you just wanted to see his reaction, and now that you have, you won't be mentioning the future that you so desperately wanted again. "But you really haven't considered it for in the future?" You couldn't help but ask one final time, praying that his answer wouldn't be so accidentally relentless.

"No. No way. I don't get down on one knee for anyone. I just don't do marriage, sweetheart." He chuckled, lighthearted as he gulped down a sip of his drink.

But your heart felt heavier than ever as your gaze trailed to the pebbled ground, trying to will your thoughts to be consumed by the sound of the public as you sat in the outdoor section of the little cafe - of people laughing and of cars driving by - instead of the replays of the dreaded conversation you and Dean had just had. "Oh," You let out, feeling small.

"Okay, don't be such a primadonna, (Y/N), you knew that already," He lightly rolled his eyes when he noticed your sudden change in demeanour.

You looked up again, your eyes slightly hazy with emotion, "No, I know. I get it." Did he really not want any kind of future with you? Had he really never even thought about the concept of having a family, not right now - of course, but in the long years to come?

For a while, you had just assumed that he wasn't ready, and you respected that. But now you knew that it was even simpler than that, he just didn't do marriages or futures.

And that would've been perfectly okay, but having already wasted half of your life with Aaron, you just wanted someone who could love you further and promise you a future, or at least consider one for and with you. You wanted that safe sense of security that hadn't ever been provided for you before.

He raised his eyebrow up at you and you shot him a weak smile, hoping that it was good enough. And it seemed to be as he took another gulp of his drink and nodded, "Good."

And I'm sad to the core, core, core Every day is a chore, chore, chore When you give, I want more, more, more I wanna be adored

"Did you really give up hunting for her?" You and Sam hadn't properly spoken in a while - since killing Dick Roman, leader of the leviathans, had harshly shoved you, Dean, and Cas down into the dark and stormy pits of purgatory.

So, when you and Dean had managed to get out, unfortunately without the presence of Cas, you had been pleasantly surprised to find out that Sam had given up hunting for a life, a pretty good one at that, with a girl and a dog and a house.

"Yeah," Sam shot you a sad smile and you felt a wave of sympathy for your best friend; you could easily tell that he regretted leaving her and that life when you and Dean came back, even if it had been the right thing to do in order to keep her safe while he continued to hunt.

"Why?" Your query wasn't spiteful like Dean's when he had asked earlier - he had been pissed off that his younger brother hadn't searched for the three of you after you had unwillingly and inevitably vanished - but you were glad that he had found happiness whilst you were gone. And so your question was more curious than malicious, wondering how he knew she was the one he wanted to give up his old life for.

"Because she made me happy, and I didn't want to let that go," He explained softly, his eyes drifting away from your gaze and landing on the floor, unfocused and weary but a faint smile painted on his lips as if he were reminiscing the favourable memories adequate with the special girl, Amelia, that had stolen his heart.

"You can always go back for her, you know?" Your voice seemingly knocked him out his daze as his deep hazel eyes darted to yours - the furrow between his eyebrows and the slight part of his lips showed you that he was taken aback in surprise at your words, obviously no one had given him that option since he had been back but you understood the want for that kind of peaceful and happy life.

"I couldn't; you and Dean-"

You cut him off, your tone humourless but genuine as you tried to let him know that you supported the decisions that he had made the past year even if his older brother did not. You only ever wanted to see Sam happy, and this girl who you had had the pleasure of hearing so much about since you've been back made him happier than you've seen him since he was with Jess.

Who were you or Dean to get in the way of that? "Don't let this crappy life, or me, or Dean, stop you from going and fighting for the life that you want, Sam, I'm serious. You deserve to be happy."

"I could say the same about you, (Y/N/N)," He shot you a sad smile, so utterly thankful that you weren't siding with Dean on this situation but also concerned for your well-being.

His reply compelled you into a wistful silence, having to think for a moment on how to answer his unexpected comment, "It's different." You started, "Dean and I don't want the same things, but he makes me happy too, Sam. He really, really does. I can't imagine my life without him. I love him.

'Cause I'm a primadonna girl, yeah All I ever wanted was the world I can't help that I need it all The primadonna life, the rise and fall You say that I'm kinda difficult But it's always someone else's fault Got you wrapped around my finger, babe You can count on me to misbehave

"I honestly can't believe you!" Came your boyfriend's boisterous voice from down the hall, fury and outrage rolling from him in angry, crashing waves as he barged into the library that sat in the heart of the bunker.

You caught a glimpse of him over your shoulder swiftly and your eyebrows tugged inward at his accusing tone and the anger and enmity in his stormy green iris' as they glared over at you. You delicately placed the book held captive in your hands back on the shelf and pivoted on your heel to face him, "Dean? What are you-"

He cut your confused query off abruptly, "So what? Bitching to me about wanting to get married and having the picture perfect life wasn't enough for you so you had to drive Sam away with your apple pie life crap too?! Is that what this is?!" His bristling words echoed around you, bouncing angrily from wall to wall and you found yourself stunned at his accusations.

"What? No! I-" You attempted to defend yourself, taking a step forward. Your hand reached out to try and calm and console him but he sharply shook his head and took a step away from you, slicing your explanation short.

"No, you know what, I don't even want to hear it. I'm so sorry that I can't give you whatever you want, princess, but if you're really so fucking determined to have that kind of life then go, (Y/N), go for it. Leave. Because you won't be getting it here." Fiercely mocking you, he spat his orders and your weary eyes widened in shock, not understanding at all why he would be saying this to you without so much as a thought.

"No, no, Dean, I-I... I don't want that." You tried to reach out again, softly calling his name as your heart thundered in your chest at the thought of him being angry at you, "I want you."

Letting out a scoff of disbelief, it was clear that he didn't conceive or trust the desperate words that fell from your lips in stutters and confused syllables. "Sam's gone, (Y/N), and it's because of you."

"Because of me?" You incredulity repeated his allegations, your tenderness and empathy rapidly dissipating into the thick, tense air - leaving behind the raging irritancy that bubbled in your stomach, "Dean, I don't control him or his life. He chose to leave."

"Yeah, he chose to leave, because you pushed him to!" He all but roared deafeningly, his eyes darkening in exasperation and shooting daggers down at you with such abrasive scrutiny but you braved it determinedly, retorting to his indictment with a scowl tainting your features and a fuming raise of your voice.

"How are you even blaming me for this? I didn't push him to do anything; I supported what he wanted to do, because he's my friend, and what he wanted to do was be happy for once!"

"No, you did this because you're selfish! You couldn't have what you wanted so instead of being an adult and mature about it, you decided to be a brat, and it's ridiculous, (Y/N)! You need to stop being such a drama queen about things like this. I don't want to get married. Get over it. Why do you have to be so difficult about it?! You know, I should've listened to those hunters when they told me you were a nuisance and manipulative, and a-a... a fucking typical primadonna girl."

Then, all your seething anger dissolved and you found yourself stunned into dejected silence, your eyes stinging with salty tears as the harsh reality of Dean's words brutally swung into you. Volitionally, your body shrunk back, visibly affected by his relentless, verbal blows.

"Do you really think that about me?" Your voice was timid, your eyes glassy as you peered up at him. You expected him to say of course not, that he just said it in the moment, that he loved you. But instead, you watched him clench his jaw and look the other way, refusing to answer.

Through the strained silence, you finally came to a definite conclusion; you slowly shook your head, sniffling lightly in an attempt to conceal the one heavy tear that jumped from your waterline and rolled down your rosy cheek. Angrily, your hand came up to wipe it away before turning on your heel, heading towards the vast doors of the library without so much as a mutter of an explanation.

"Where are you going now?" Hearing his demanding, booming voice made your body instantaneously go rigid; you felt his enraged stare burning the back of your head as you spoke dangerously calmly.

"I'm leaving."

"There you go again! Are you capable of talking things out like an adult or do you always have to run away like a child?"

At that, you couldn't stop yourself from whipping around - your glaring eyes daringly boring into his as your jaw flexed, utterly furious. Your feet intuitively carried your stiff body towards his towering figure, your hands coming up and roughly shoving at his chest.

He barely moved at your impact, barely stumbled on his feet, but the clear surprise on his face as his eyebrows shot up and his eyes widened was good enough for you.

"I never run away! That's my fucking problem, Dean. I stay. I always stay and people like Aaron, people like you, take advantage of that and I'm done. I am done of getting torn down and ruined by people who say they care and say they love me and then walk all over me like I'm absolutely nothing!" By the end of your infuriated dialogue, you were seething with pent up anger - the fierce glint in your eyes glowering into his and your chest heaving.

But all Dean found himself doing was rolling his eyes dramatically and laughing lowly, "Didn't I already tell you to stop being such a drama queen?"

Your jaw clenched with fury, infuriation coiling in your stomach. How dare he?

"Fuck you, Dean." You spat out, wholly livid with someone who you used to admire with all your being. You broke the tense connection first by turning on your heels and taking long, fast, determined strides - vacating the library and travelling straight towards yours and Dean's shared bedroom.

Not bothering to wipe away the heavy tears that make their trek down your cheeks and slipping from your jawline, falling to their doom, you slammed the door shut with a deafening bang - blatantly ignoring how you noticed that he didn't come after you.

Hastily and uncoordinatedly, your shaking hands messily collected all your things and shoved them into various backpacks. Through your rage, you vaguely hoped that the tough walls of heavy concrete and bricks of the bunker concealed the sound of your heart-wrenching sobs that inevitably erupted from your chest.

Maybe you were cursed, you brokenly thought to yourself as you shuffled around the room, plucking various items from different drawers and cupboards. Cursed to live alone and never experience the life that you pleaded for. Cursed to live without the love that you longed for. Cursed to live unhappily until your time was up. The cursed life of a hunter.

-

Quietly lugging your multiple bags along with your exhausted body, you stopped by the kitchen and your irritated, red, glassy eyes caught sight of Dean - his fingers clutching an empty bottle of Jack Daniels as he sat solemnly in a chair, his bloodshot gaze rested on the bleak wall in front of him.

If you didn't feel so numb, all your tears and anger cried away, you would've felt a glint of sympathy for him. But, as your duffle bag weighed down in your hold, you were reminded that you couldn't live like this any longer.

Being with Dean was great while it lasted - he truly did make you happy and you had stupidly thought that it would've been forever but - you couldn't let him continue to ruin and destroy what little of your vibrant spirit you had left. Not again. Not after Aaron had done the same thing and you had spent all those years fixing and piecing yourself back together again.

Dean, himself, noticed your presence in the room but he couldn't bring himself to look at you. Whilst he had been furious that you had spoken to Sam and helped him make his final decision, he knew that he shouldn't have said what he did.

He wouldn't necessarily admit it, but he only did it because he knew that he wouldn't ever be able to provide or give you the life that you wanted and fully deserved. He knew that you wouldn't leave unless he made you despise him - you were too loving and faithful to do that. He also knew that you would find someone else, someone better, if he let you go. So, that's what he did.

It didn't make it any easier and it didn't hurt any less, however. Especially when you spoke up, your voice timid and croaky, "I... Um- I just wanted to say that when Sam told me I should go and fight for the life that I want, I told him that yes, you and I don't want the same things, but I wouldn't ever leave because you made me so happy, and I... I loved you. I-I guess... I'm just sorry that I messed everything up. Goodbye Dean..."

Despite him hearing you pour your heart out and hearing the heartbreaking crack in your voice as you told him, one final time, that you loved him, he stopped himself from replying. He stopped himself from pulling you into his arms and making you change your mind on leaving. He stopped himself from loving you like you deserve to be loved.

He couldn't help but flinch just noticeably as he perceived you drop your multiple hunting phones, with a clatter, on the table beside where he was sat. Then, visibly wincing, he heard the dreaded sound of the bunker door slamming closed echo throughout the now desolate and lonely underground bunker.

The quiet pit pat on your shoes tapping against the floor had vanished as you eluded and extracted yourself from his wounding silence. Dean immediately felt the bitter, dismal, heartache as soon as he realised that he was truly alone, and it was his fault.

But, as you walked mindlessly and freely down the paved footpath - the gentle breeze of the evening ensuring soft wisps of your hair to float in the light wind - you couldn't stop the faint smile from gracing your lips despite the salty tears that pursued their journey down your rosy cheeks.

You adjusted your backpack slightly - continuing to head in the direction of the city in the distance, dotted with bright, glowing lights and adequate with the muffled and distant sound of music and chatter - a city full of life and promise.

There was no turning back now. You were going to find and fight for the life that you wanted and nothing was going to stop you, not anymore.

[thatbookcritic]

+α no Tachiichi

Title: +α no Tachiichi

Media: Manga

Author: Yuu Geni

Criticism written by: Kai

Editor: Julie

The Review:

Howdy folks! Kai here, back with another review for you all! This time, I’ll be reviewing a manga that I honest to god hate and I think it’s a piece of garbage. It truly is a waste of time and I’m only really reviewing this in hopes that I spare all of you guys, our lovely followers, the time and effort in reading it. Now… I’m sure you are all curious as to what this manga is all about. So… let me tell you then.

+α no Tachiichi is another classic example of every other isekai manga. Our protagonist, Satoki Houma, is your typical Japanese high school student who was suddenly transported to another world with her classmate, Haruka Toudou. As expected, the priestess summon them because they were looking for the holy maiden who would save the world from the forces of evil! Just by a glance, the priestess automatically assume that Haruka was the holy maiden because Haruka is a cutie while Satoki is supposedly ugly af. In an odd twist of fate though, it seems like Satoki has the holy maiden powers! Not Haruka! What will our protagonist, Satoki to do?!

Well… if you were guess “prove everyone wrong”, “vengeance”, or “save the day”, then you are very wrong. The correct answer is “Nothing a normal person would do!” As we already established, Japanese heroines are nothing normal. They may look human but they don’t think like humans. And Satoki is no exception to the rule. After being sidelined by everyone in the entire kingdom, tossed around like an object, and overall be treated rather poorly compared to Haruka, Satoki still decided to help Haruka in the end by doing this whole complicated act of pretending Haruka is the holy maiden while Satoki is hiding in the shadow. The reason why Satoki is doing this? A) Because Haruka treated Satoki nicely for ONE time by defending her against the big ol’ meanie knight (but we all know that was a romance flag for Haruka and the knight… basically turning Satoki into an object yet again) and B) Satoki doesn’t believe that she could be a proper holy maiden because she isn’t pretty enough. First of all… WHAT?! These are such stupid reasons that it makes me wonder if Satoki was dropped on her head as a baby. It’s the only possible explanation as to why Satoki stupidly believe in such bullshit. Let’s break down these reasons.

First, Haruka being nice to Satoki is really fucked if you look at it from a different angle. For one, Haruka was only nice to Satoki only once throughout the entire manga. It was basically just so the hot tsundere knight would go, “Oh doki doki. This Haruka girl is different from the rest! She treats both the ugly and pretty the same! What is this feeling!” And yeah yeah, y’all can argue that Haruka never intended that but that’s what the author intended. Satoki was nothing more than a plot device for Haruka’s reverse harem. After that, Haruka just sort of tossed Satoki away to enjoy her little harem and the shower of affections she recieves for being pretty. While Satoki is concern for Haruka’s well being and coming up with all sort of plans to make sure that Haruka’s image doesn’t crumble, Haruka here (who promised to watch out for Satoki might I add) is off dicking around like it’s summer vacation. It’s like Haruka forgets that Satoki even exist and hardly bother to come asking if Satoki is fine or if people are treating her well. Instead, Haruka only seems to remember that Satoki is a person when Haruka needs that “generic best friend side character” to run off to and gush about all her own personal drama and ask who she should chose in her bland love triangle. Like damn bitch, Haruka reminds me of every fake friend in a group. Yet Satoki just eats this shit up, my dudes. Despite being clearly treated as a lamp, this just drives Satoki forward in wanting to “protect her friend!” Being a reader, you just feel so bad for Satoki as you read the two girl’s interactions and how Haruka basically forces Satoki to be a cuck. Oh, did a mention that Satoki is basically a cuck? Besides clearly not receiving any praise for helping fight off the demon army or protecting the castle, Satoki is always awkwardly stuck between romantic scenarios between Haruka and her harem. Satoki would awkwardly be hiding under a table or some shit while she listen and watches Haruka make out with some random pretty boy. Like, Christ Almighty. I don’t understand what’s fun about that? These scenes just hurt my heart because usually what follows before or after these “romance scenes” would be Satoki being berated or treated like an object. It’s like looking at heaven and hell side by side. The comparison is just awful. And it’s not like this is a comedy scenes either. At the beginning of the manga, sure. But then these scenes became serious and down right vicious soon after. Yet Satoki just takes it! What’s even worse, was when the story was at a big dramatic point and Haruka points a finger at Satoki and blame her for ruining things. Bitch says what now??? After Satoki went through all that hardships for Haruka and Haruka putting Satoki through an emotional ringer, Haruka had the gall to call Satoki a bad person and that Satoki manipulated her. The one moment Satoki needed Haruka the most, Haruka turns her back against her. Some “protection” that was, huh?

While Haruka is an awful person and their relationship is fucked, the real problem here is Satoki for putting up with all that and more throughout the manga. Now, there’s nothing wrong in writing a protagonist with low self esteem or lack of confidence. But what’s important is if the author plans to do ANYTHING with those traits… AKA character development. You would expect that from a manga like this but nope! Satoki enter this world as a doormat and left it as a slightly proud doormat. There’s a reason why you don’t make your main character a static character but a dynamic one (remember these vocabulary words from English class?). At most I would imagine having a static character for a one shot or a short story, but a full on manga? Nah son. That just ain’t right.   

Having Satoki’s core issue be about her looks is just fucked and honestly shame on the author. At the beginning of the manga, we see that Satoki doesn’t really believe in that issue 100%. Yes… she might say it at first by going “Oh, there’s no way I could be a protagonist because I’m not pretty enough!” But this seems more like a self deprecating joke more than anything. Satoki might believe it just a little but not entirely. We can see it by how she wanted to first speak up to the priestess when Satoki first realize that she has the holy maiden’s powers. But as time went on, how the world treats Satoki just hammered in these insecurities and made Satoki submissive to all these actions. The world turned “Ha ha ha. I can never be a protagonist because I’m not pretty enough!” into “What’s the point? My looks define me as a person and I can’t do anything about it.” With Satoki’s already doormat personality, it wasn’t hard for her insecurities to become more apparent- Oh my god! Satoki is a dynamic character, she just went backwards! My third eye has been opened. Oh gosh… sorry everyone. This revelation just shook me. The story is still shit though. Let me get back to talking about Satoki.

After reaching rock bottom with her insecurities, it was Satoki’s allies who kept her head afloat in her sea of despair. Well… I guess saying that they keep Satoki positive is a bit of a generous stretch. On one hand what’s Satoki’s oresama teacher who helped keep Satoki’s abilities a secret and (sort of) looked out for her. I guess the teacher would have been fine if he wasn’t such a dick. Every word that comes out of his mouth was just a jab towards Satoki. At least he kept his end of the bargain in watching out for Satoki (I’m looking at you Haruka). Next is the bootleg holy maiden. You see, in the manga, the prince’s younger brother came up with a scheme of making up several holy maidens to confuse people (yeah it was a stupid plan) and there was this chick. Satoki and Ms. Bootleg were forced to work together and eventually they became “friends”. Ms. Bootleg was some vain chick with her own self interest but she does bring up some good points to Satoki for her to self evaluate her life. I guess the teacher and Ms. Bootleg were supposed to prompt Satoki to self evaluate and gain confidence but honestly, they did a shit job and Satoki hardly grew as a person. At most, they gave Satoki the confidence to “do what you want to do” bullshit but in the end, what Satoki wanted to do was to continue helping Haruka. “But she help Haruka on her own accord. The end.” BAH! BULLSHIT.

In the end, I’m not sure what sort of lesson Satoki or we, the audience, was supposed to take away from this story. Anything special about Satoki was just ripped out of her hands by the author. Haruka was the holy maiden all along and that Satoki’s power was just her link to the world. Once Satoki used up all her power, she basically gets sent back home. Hell! Satoki participated in the war but she never got a chance to see who won! What a load of horse shit. Haruka and Satoki’s relationship was easily “repaired” with Haruka forgiving Satoki’s deceit (Bitch, how vain are you???) And everything is now alright in the universe… my ass. Honestly, my head hurt as I recall all this. We started at point A and never left it. Seriously… what’s the lesson, moral, or entertainment value about this? From a writer's point of view, this is an example of cool concept but awful execution. Main character is a static one and all other side characters are just plain hateable. Any “interesting” plot development are shown off screen since Satoki is technically the side character for Haruka’s main character and it was just an angst-fest of Satoki being whipped around like a doormat. I would have more fun watching paint dry… at least I get the satisfaction of the paint actually drying in the end.

Overall Score: 0/10

(Kai’s note: Btw, the art isn’t bad. It’s pretty nice actually and I don’t see why Satoki is “ugly”. She’s a bit masculine but it doesn’t take away much from her look. I also find it annoying that the author never really approach it by having Satoki prove other’s her usefulness or prove them wrong or something. In the end, people just sort of shrug at Satoki’s appearance in the end. Once again, shit story telling.)

[ryhannotes-blog]

The Memory

I walk into our house on Hanglider Drive in Telluride, CO, it smells faintly of wood because of the cabin style feel. The soft white carpet is between my toes. The house feels warm, this house feels comfortable. This house was my first childhood home until I was six years old. This was the house I lived in when my family was still the four of us. It was a place where my mother and father got to see us grow up, it was the place where we resided as a family. It is also the place where I heard a large thump that awoke me from a nap and would change my life forever.

It was my friend’s Keenans birthday and I remember being so excited for her party. It was at the park and it was May 12th, so it was just starting to feel warm again. When the party finally concluded my mom came to pick me up. I used to do this thing as a kid when we would drive the 20-30 minutes from town to home, I would fake fall asleep in the car so my mom would have to carry me up to my bed. On this specific day however, I actually fell asleep. I am so mad I actually fell asleep. I woke up to a loud thump coming from my parents room. I was a bit confused because I was in my bed instead of the car. But I curiously ran into their room to see what caused this massive noise. That’s when I saw my father laying on the bathroom floor, with my mother hovering over him on the phone screaming. He was naked because he had fallen out of the shower and I noticed blood on the bath mat. My mom told me to go downstairs and she continued to speak to the person on the phone screaming, “HE’S UNCONSCIOUS BUT HE’S STILL BREATHING.” Moments later I see flashing lights coming towards my house, first a cop car, then an ambulance, then a big red fire truck. My mom again orders me to go downstairs.      

Next thing I know as my brother and I are downstairs watching the show, Cat Dog, I see my father’s unconscious body being wheeled out on a gurney by people I recognize, some being his best friends that worked as paramedics. They were moving so fast and my father had an oxygen mask on, my mom standing as close as she could to the gurney. Then everything was silent. It was just my four year old brother, Wilder and I sitting on the couch, watching Cat-Dog. I remember us just looking at each other, not knowing what to do or say. We were so confused, scared, where did our mommy and daddy just go? A little while later, my mom’s friend came to take care of us. We were then transferred to my dad’s sister and cousin’s house. I remember as a lie awake that night about to go to sleep, I was thinking that my father would return with an eye patch and in a wheelchair. That was my thought process as a five year old after what I just saw and the worst outcome that I thought would happen.

My brother and I weren’t told anything but we were taken back to our house. My aunt and uncle had gone to the hospital so I was being watched by my older cousins. I don’t think I asked any questions, only when my mommy and daddy would be home. My brother and I were playing and all of a sudden my grandparents (my mom’s parents) came through the door. I was a bit surprised but so excited because they lived in North Carolina and I never got to see them. I had no idea, the reason they were there was not at all a happy thing. I waited as they walked through the door one by one, my grandmother, my grandfather, my mother, but where was my dad? Why weren’t they pushing him in a wheelchair with his eye patch on? Where was my daddy? That’s when I saw my mom. She looked exhausted, and her eyes were swollen and red and tears were bursting from her eyes. She looked to her parents for support but they had no answer for her. No words were spoken, then she quietly took my brother Wilder and I’s hand up to her room. She sat us down and as tears filled her eyes, she grabbed our hands and looked us both in the eye, “your daddy has gone to heaven.”

On May 13th, 2001, I lost my father a week before my sixth birthday. He passed away of an aortic dissection because he was born with only two valves in his heart rather than three. Of course he had no idea this was how he was born and it was too late to fix this when doctors finally learned about this unfortunate fate. I still can’t believe how clearly I remember that day, I was still so young but every emotion, every sound, everything I saw that day will forever be ingrained in my head.  My dad is and was my hero.

Not only did he have such a large impact on me but it reached everyone he ever encountered. He was the mayor of the town I grew up in. After he passed they named a ski run and the ice rink after him. The amount of stories I hear about the shining light he was is uncountable. He was more than a father, he was a wonderful husband, brother,  best friend, business partner, son, skier. He knew how to make anyone laugh and feel comfortable.He genuinely lit up a room and from what I have heard from everyone I have talked to, people were immediately drawn to him. He created this warmth and was able to make everyone feel special. He was considered a best friend to a ridiculous amount of people, they relied on him.  Social media has been a big part to recovering memories of my father and learning more about him whether that's through Facebook or Instagram or my dad’s friends or relatives sending me emails with pictures or funny stories about him. Since I was so young when he passed, it can be difficult for me to grasp specific recollections about him that are imperative to know about his spirit, so these little reminders of him are so special to me. I am also very lucky to grow up in the small town of Telluride, Colorado with a population of under 2,000 people. Within this small setting, mostly everyone knew him so whenever I am home and when I was growing up, people constantly come up to me bringing up stories and telling a good laugh about my father.

What I hadn’t realized until I was much older is how hard this entire experience was for my mother. His death was a complete shock to everyone and that immediate tragedy was a major hit  that would affect everything. My mother had two little kids, my brother being four years old and me just about to turn six. We were just about to move into a new house and the love of her life had just been ripped away from her. Since the town was so small in size and such a tight community, simple things like going to the grocery or checking the mail defeated her. Everyone would stare or come up and say sorry or try their best to show their condolence. But how my mom puts it at that time is she was just seeing how everyone’s life just goes on and they continue to do the things they do everyday, they laugh, they have dinner with their families, their life continues on. Whereas her life had just crumbled to a million pieces. She had no direction, even though she had all the support in the world from her amazing family and friends, the pain was so large and so heavy that it took many years to regain herself. But she had her kids and that helped her along the way. We ended up having to move away from Colorado for a few years to start fresh and find herself again, the memories my father and her had made in Telluride were just too strong for her to coincide with during her period of grieving.

My grieving was extremely difficult for me. I refused to speak about my father to anyone, I refused to grieve. I closed up completely and it took me almost till I was a junior in high school to finally accept it and to finally open up about it. No matter what stage you are in your development, getting stripped from that person that gave you life is a tragedy.  I would have these dreams all the time about him where we would be hanging out and everything would be wonderful then all of sudden he would tell me he had to leave. I would ask him why and beg him not to go but he would never tell me and he would just leave. It hurt, it still hurts but once I allowed myself to grieve and accept it, I was able to show homage to my father.

Although this experience is one of the worst events to ever happen to me and my family, what it did is taught me alot of things. Most importantly to understand life just a little bit better. I crave to honor my dad’s legacy of his easy going spirit and his assertion of humor in every circumstance, no matter how serious the occasion. This is what I try to emulate in my day to day life, I see that when I get older, this is much harder but to always remember to not take life so seriously. It is such a delicate entity and to take even the smallest things for granted spoils the bliss of existence. What I also learned deeply from his passing, is that grieving is so important. It is absolutely necessary to grieve, although I know everyone grieves in their different ways, it is a vital step in healing. It is also okay to ask for help and to carral in your support team to rebuild you. I also learned the importance of knowing death is apart of life and it will happen to us all and those we love very much. In the recent years, there has been a spike of many of my friend’s losing loved ones, whether that’s grandparents, parents, or in a rare circumstances, a sibling. I have found it interesting being on the other side of this grief-stricken hardship because now I can see how many people don’t what to do, say, or act when this happens to one of their friends. But now it makes me feel good I am able to share guidance through experience and trial and error to these friends of mine and for them to rebuild themselves. The biggest lesson I learned from my father’s death is that life is very hard. There are curveballs in life that will hit you at 98 mph. It will crush everything in you and your whole world can be shattered. But there is always room to grow. There is always areas to better yourself and to heal. There is and truly there is, always a light at the end of the tunnel. Human relationships are so important and having the luxury  of what they ecompass is remarkable. Friends,family, and nature are paramount figures in this thing we call life. Tragedy, heartache, and sadness is a battle we can all overcome. It is imperative to remember the restorative qualities we have access to and that their is always room to rise above. I miss my dad everyday. He is my hero and I am lucky enough to be able to have someone to look up to and to encourage me to remember how precious and short life is and to grasp all the goodness it has to offer and to love as much as you can.