#like shes always going to know things we dont know bc thats the basic idea of it

[transgothicgenre]

i really like mole because it's like. it's about a lot of things. but one of the biggest parts to me is the paranoia . like. "i know what you want and you know what i want" is already so incredibly damning bc that's not how human interaction works so at least one of these parties is making assumptions. and then just following that line up with "information, information". again its the assumption bc neither party is saying with any clarity what the information is so they could be communicating on totally different wavelengths but there's still just that unspoken level of assumption. you know what i want. i know what you want. we don't need to specify at all. you know. i know.

[kindred-spirit-93]

GUYS LMAO HELP IM ON THE FLOOR

me when i try to explain the lore of my latest hyperfixation and brainrot that has been fermenting for who knows how long in my noggin to my beloved who has to keep up with me every dam time

find urself someone who will listen to u rant about dieties and divine law and order out of order and going on tangents of tangents <3

aight so for context me n my platonic soulmate go to different unis and have been long distance friendship-ing for over 3 years now and we barely get to see eachother irl for plenty of reasons. anyway

when we do meet for coffee and plushie hauls we essentially go over everything that happened over the past few months we havent seen each other in (outside of texts lol) and ya girl always has some hyperfixation to yap about (musicals, mythology, all of the above...)

anyway i explained to her epic the musical lore as best as i could in like 15 minutes while she had a lecture lmao (long story) and honestly kudos to her for understanding my incoherent 5678 words per second ramble and endless footnotes etc. anyway i sent her osp's odyssey video to give her an idea of what i was blabbing about lol

ANYWAY shes just texting me saying shes listened to the horse and the infant & just a man and that shes hooked. IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR DRAGGING HER INTO THIS LMAO. MWAHAHAHAAH

said shes going to binge the musical asap lol (we are both dedicated hard working students ill have u know) and now we can both giggle and ugly cry over odypen hehe. literally vibrating with excitement >:D

last sunday we met after my big exam and i was already hysterical from sleep deprivation and brainrot so i gushed about literally everything. and infodumping kindred is not a kindred u want to be anywhere near esp if ur my girl bc i bare my soul to her lol A N Y W A Y

the thing is u cant explain the odyssey without knowing a little abt the illiad and to really get that u need to know the pantheon and how everyone got into this mess in the first place and and......

thats not even the best part before epic id binged osp red's greek mythology videos and was dabbling in pjo so i was very basically explaining the mythos to her about a month or so ago (equally manically)? and this girl says to me 'wait is zeus daddy?' AND I FUCKING DIED RIGHT THEN AND THERE. my soul *ascended* it was single handedly the funniest shit anyone has ever said in my general direction. i love her

anyway so i gently but very firmly explained why hes the dipshit of all time and she messed with me further on purpose (and i quote; IF BAD WHY HOT?) anyway zeus if ur out there dont talk to me or my beloved ever again or so help me.

[twistedastrology]

hi. yap to me. about your chart. and tell me what you think about other placements PLEASE!!

god bless u omg ok lemme break it down 4 u

why im built like that: a yapping session abt my own chart

ok so firts things first we gotta go thru my absolute pride and joy- this is the placement that when i discovered it in my baby astrologer era i was like Omg thats so cool what-

we got mars and saturn in my 1st house ur honor (unless in whole sign houses in which case saturn is in my 2nd 💔)

i always loved saturn as a planet before i got into astrology n then i came 2 love it even more and this bad boy in my 1st house is why i am so petrified of losing who i am!!!! and my mars i think just makes me very energetic and driven tbh amongst many other things

ofc these 2 are largely responsible for a lot in my chart but that's the basics of what they do-

SECOND THING'S SEOCNDN-

my other pride and joy, my mercury in gemini 💞💞💞💞

i love mercury SO much and despite it largely being the reason for my adhd, it absolutely dominates my chart (along with my outer planets) and is so powerful that it colors my sun more gemini than taurus (especially since i literally dont have any other earth placement except for my lilith in virgo- im all water/fire/air 🙏🙏)

in whole sign houses it would be also be in my 12th house which makes so much sense for me bc i will psychoanalyze Everyone to an ungodly degree because i love learning how people fundamentally work and how things influence them- this and my jupiter in scorpio + moon/neptune in my 8th house is the reason for my love of psychology-

THIRD THISNGS THIRD-

my outer planets 🥰🥰🥰🥰

i was born in the pre shadow period of uranus retrograde btw so while i strongly feel the effects of it being in pisces, i also feel the effects of if it was in my 8th house-

uranus and neptune are both direct in my chart and they're also in mutual reception so they have a LOOOOOT of power in my chart especially if u read my neptune post where i said neptune actually rules cancer (and the moon rules pisces) bc then neptune is given more power via my cancer rising-

my pluto is actually In retrograde so i often have to read pluto in 5th house stuff bc i feel it way more than pluto in 6th house stuff- and like i said in my jupiter post that got fucking obliterated by god for some reason, my pluto is actually conjunct Sagittarius A* (the galaxy's black hole) with only a difference of 51 minutes, and it's in mutual reception with my jupiter in scorpio so there's a lOT going on there 💔💔💔

that pluto tho and probably jupiter too tbh is why whenever im doing something creative whether it be editing or writing or one of the other 5 billion things i do, i usually feel like i turn into some sort of conduit for something WAY bigger than myself and all my cancer energy amplifies it and makes whatever i do also have a very cathartic property to it!!!

4TH THSINSGS FORUTH

since ive been super into astrology ive also looked at my mom's chart like 1 billion times and mine too and what i find fascinating is that she's a capricorn rising and i have saturn in my 1st house, and she has mars in cancer and venus in aries just like i do, but her mars is conjunct her descendant line just like mine is conjunct my ascendant line-

she's also saturn ruled as hell but she's an aries sun/mercury and u would THINK we would hate each other but no we literally have an unbreakable bond- i know the usual idea of like a capricorn mom vs a cancer child is Not Great but her and i make me wonder otherwise 😭😭😭

5YH THINGS FIFTH-

i have some extremely slay aspects ur honor- I like 2 think anyway-

my fav aspects i have are:

- mercury sextile saturn

- uranus trine ascendant

- sun conjunct mercury

and despite it being a hard aspect and a hard 10° orbit aspect,

- sun square neptune

even tho it's within 10° i still feel a Looot of influence from that one- i am a little delusional sometimes but my saturn in 1st does a good job of maintaining it and bringing me down to earth, but in my astrologer's handbook (my fav book 💔💔) it says, and i quote, "a well developed mercury and saturn will do much to offset the negative effects of this square" and i have both of those ur honor God bless holy shit id be off my FUCK without those 2 planets-

but then it continues and says "very often peculiar emotional desires and romantic tendencies are indicated, which can range from platonic love to the most morbid and debased physical type of sensuality." which THAT part i feel immensely- Nobody should ever look in my brain please 4 the love of god for ur sake n mine dont do it thwnk u-

But that's also probably bc i got the pluto influence right bc my neptune is in my 8th house- which btw im p sure pluto is exalted in Aquarius but i can get into that in another post probably-

6TH THSINGS SSIXTH

my uranus trine ascendant also loves to make me weird as fuck- i am a very peculiar individual and my mercury in an aries degree of Gemini also makes me yap Constantly bro i am the yapatron 5000- that (and my chiron in aquarius 💔) is why i have like a whole 1 friend that genuinely appreciates my yapping- him and my mom (my mom and i yap together tho HAHAHA)

my chiron in aquarius tho hit fucking Hard when i was a wee lad and still kinda does but im workin on it ur honor- i just never felt accepted and never Was accepted in friend groups and stuff and it was only until i started going with my north node in aries that i started actually being able to socialize and stuff- bc i legitimately thought "fuck it im just gonna be weird as fuck and whoever likes me for it will like me for Me and not some dumb shit-"

basically weeding out the losers fr-

7TH THINGSS SEVENETH-

btw i hope everytime anyone has read the 1ST THINGS 1ST or whatever they read it in the tone of believer by imagine dragons like that one tiktok audio of like "1st thing's 1st!!!! 2nd thing's 3rd!!! First seocnd third thing's third???" ANAYYWAY-

if u read my cancers n rage post too ull know where im comin from w/this but my cancer rising + mars in cancer gives me this unfathomable rage that legitimately makes my blood feel like it's physically boiling, my heart starts pounding and i get SO shaky- that's only when im super pissed But with the mars energy i literally have to get it out via moshing 2 korn DUDE HAHAHHAHAAH OMG THAT REMINDS ME-

speaking of!!!! i was strugglin real bad like a couple weeks ago now right and i put my earbuds in and listened to chi and to this D A Y. i cannot listen to that song without getting that ungodly rage dude it's diabolical But i literally lost my shit so hard that day i think had i been standing and not doubled over on the floor for my own safety, i woulda broken my knee again (another story i have 🥰🥰)

i did howveer almost fuck up my nose by slamming my face into the floor a little But we're good!!!!! i get very physical 💔 i have so many injuries ive given myself bc of that insane amount of energy i have i could make a list dude it's devious-

God bless u jonathan davis 😭😭😭😭💞💞💞

genuinely tho i aint ever heard more honest 2 god screams that spoke to me THAT much like god DAMN

ANYWAY im silly my bad guys-

8TH THSING'S 8TH-

i tHIK that's it- i could probably go into more detail abt specific things but this is like an overview SO 🙏🙏🙏

thank u for readig my yapping sesison UHHHHMMMMMMMMMMM 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

[xspeter]

okay i see how much you love miss music industry herself and i was wondering if you would be open to doing a finnick x reader story like based off the betty augustine james love triangle (but like in an au where he never was reaped for the games bc when do you see that) where reader is like augustine and basically finnick has he just as a summer fling but goes back to betty and she's just kind of there watching them from afar being in love while she loves him but was only ever a heat of the moment thing but she really loves him, and then she just kind grows to hate him because he used her and her love, it would be cool if it ended on a kind of angry my tears ricochet kind of note maybe she gets reaped and he like comes back and is worried for her like he actually cares and shes all like "why tf did you come here, you dont care about me you don't love me you just feel fucking guilty bc i could die" i just love the idea of a female rage kind of ending where the sadness and love turns sour bc we never see that, its usually like the reader wallowing and losing themselves over an man and always kind of gets away without any real guilt or remorse, BASICALLY i just want him to feel all the pain and guilt for his actions and kind of just left floundering like that. idk of thats something that peaks your interests but i'd love to read it if you do( this is literally my dream fic to read)!!

𝐁𝐘𝐄 𝐁𝐘𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐘

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤, 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬.

𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ఌ

sometimes, you feel like a horrible person.

annie cresta and finnick odair were practically royalty. they were perfect for each other, and you were just… there.

until finnick and annie suddenly split, and annie went to visit her grandparents for the summer in the southern part of district four.

then, life seemed to be looking a lot better. finnick came to you for comfort. he knocked on your window in the middle of the night. he wanted you.

he helped you forget about your older brother, who had died in a fishing accident the year prior, and you helped him forget about annie. it was a win-win situation.

the beginning of june had started off awkward, because his wound was still fresh. almost everytime you saw him his eyes were glassy, but eventually, when you saw him he was smiling.

he was smiling at you.

by the end of june you had both admitted your mutual feelings for each other, and had started meeting secretly under bridges, behind buildings, anywhere you could really.

your parents and friends found it odd how much you blew them off, but you had shrugged it off, using the excuse ‘i’m just really busy at work!’

by july you and finnick had already kissed, and you had given him something important to you, your body.

he was the first to ever see it, and you were praying, that he would be the last.

the end of august was when things started to go downhill.

annie cresta had arrived back home on the seventeenth, and as soon as she did, you could feel finnick pulling away from you.

he denied it of course, saying things like, “you’re the only one for me.” or “you know i only love you.”

did you know though?

because now, mid September, you watch them enter a cafe together, holding hands.

finnick never held hands with you in public.

you watch as he kisses her sweetly, paying for whatever it was she ordered with no hesitation.

finnick had ended things with you barely a week ago, and now he’s already back with her? did this summer just mean nothing to him?

you feel the familiar build up of tears and immediately walk away from the shop.

besides, you have other things to worry about. tomorrow, one boy and one girl would be reaped for the 73rd annual hunger games.

you had survived for four years now, but you know you can never be too lucky.

when you heard your name announced, you swear your heart stopped.

“y/n l/n!” selodona, your districts announcer, reads your name from her tiny slip of paper.

with shaky legs you walk to the stage, trying to ignore the eyes on you. trying to ignore his eyes on you.

you don’t need his pity. not after he lied to you for months. not after he tore you apart.

you barely even register the male tribute, until you’re both forced to shake hands. when you do look at him, you recognize him as martin fraser, a boy you often fish with.

he manages a small smile and you attempt to do the same.

“please, a round of applause for this years tributes!”

silence.

instead, numerous people kiss the tips of their fingers, and holds them high in the air. selodona, clearly unsure of what to do, ushers the both of you into the court house.

she shows you both your private rooms where you’ll be given fifteen minutes to say goodbye to whoever you would like.

the first to visit is your mother, father, and younger brother, jaxon.

your mother tells you to stay vigilant, your father tells you to utilize your strength in the water, and your brother pleads with you to stay alive.

after they leave, your friend, masriska visits. she’s crying and by the time she leaves so are you.

you don’t expect the doors to open again after she leaves, so when they do, your heart immediately drops.

you don’t even have to turn around to know who’s entered the room.

“y/n-” finnick starts, but you cut him off.

“dont even say anything.” you snarl, wrapping your arms around your chest and turing around to look at him.

his eyes are glassy and he’s shaking, but you don’t care.

he doesn’t get the right to care about you anymore.

“y/n, please,”

“why are you here finnick?” you question, “because the last time we talked, you told me that you had never meant for our relationship to move past just a summer fling. that you had always planned to go back- go back to her!” you shout.

finnick tenses and sniffles, he stuffs his hands in his pockets and glances to the side. “i’m sorry, y/n. i… i really am. and now this is happeing to you and i just-”

“you just what? literally, what?”

finnick stutters, but before he can get out the words peacekeepers are ushering him out of the room.

selodona enters when they leave, pulling you with her to bring you to the train.

and some, sick, twisted, part of you hopes you die in that arena, just so finnick has to live with himself.

has to live, with what he did to you.

bye i hate this. throwing up crying screaming at the sky

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi cas, its talkitive mom anon. (I think thats what it was)

This ask doesnt really have that much to do with my other ask but i thought it would be helpful, so i dont have to expalin it all again.

Basically, i dont know if my parents are that bad or not. A lot of my friends tell me that my parents are bad and i always say something along the lines of "im fine, my parents are great really, dont worry about it, im not in a bad situation".

What made me send in this ask is that i had a conversation with my friend today and we were talking about our futures and how moving a lot affected our perspectives of where we want to live. She brought up that when i move back to the states she doesnt want me to 'self sabotage' by living close to my parents. It made it sound like my parents are really bad but idk if they are. I think i talk about them negatively bc im frustrated but igim frustrated at them a lot? She also asked how looking for a therapist was going (my mom wanted me to get one and i told her that i was warming up to the idea bc my mom was gonna force me anyway) i told her that i dont think its gonna happen anymore bc i think my mom decided im fine enough and that i dont need one anymore? She hasnt brought it up since we talked about it like a month and a half ago. And me and my mom have barely been able to have one conversation without arguing.

Tbh for a while now ive just felt like im a horrible child. And that im just ungrateful and i should be nicer and more positive about things. I just feel like a horrible person. I feel like i need to fix myself so that my parents like me more bc its my fault isnt it? I talked to my brother and he cant think of many times that my parents made him feel the way i do. So its either bc he never complains about my parents or bc hes just the better child. My parents have also been fighting more and it stresses me out. Im just so tired of screaming matches one second and the next my mom and dad acting like everything is normal and we all suddenly like eachother again. My mom has been telling me to stop crying a lot lately also. And i feel like she right. I overreact too much and thats probably the reason that i even think that my parents might be bad.

Anyway this has become more of a vent than a question. Sorry for ranting. Do you think im the problem though?

Hi hon! I definitely don't thin you're the problem <3

Listen, I don't know your parents but based on what you've told me, they definitely have their own issues. That doesn't make them HORRIBLE, but that means they're human and they make mistakes. I think when you're in the middle of a situation like you are, it's harder to see when people you love are making decisions that could be hurtful. If your friend is concerned, she could be right!

If it was me, I would go to a therapist. Therapists are awesome for sorting out healthy from unhealthy. Tell them about the dynamic in your family and ask them their opinion. They're professionals and they can get background that I can't. They can also help you identify where you parents have been wrong and where you may have been wrong in different situations. Plus, therapy is good for everyone.

Sending love!

[xenosaurus]

NO OKAY BUT THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THIS CHANCE BECAUSE I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS ALWAYS (and this ask will immediately identify me to anyone who knows me bc im literally the only person in the world who cares) but please never read N.K. Jemisin's "The City We Became." She's won three hugos in a row and thats very impressive, nothing but love and respect to my sister who has Made It and Paved the Way for more of us to go forward. I haven't actually read her hugo winners and i'd like to, but unfortunately i started with The City We Became and now i hold a Grudge.

Why:

on the surface this book is a Cool Woke Twist on lovecraftian horror set in new york city. the basic premise is fun: the avatars of the boroughs of new york forming together to help their city become a fully fledged cosmic entity of a sort. the villain here is the literal spirit of gentrification, and while theres a lot of good things that could come from that set up, the actual execution makes it an absolute agony to get through. everything is so hamfisted and somehow smug about recognizing the most basic ideas. its too smug and condescending to appeal to anyone in the center, its ideas too juvenile to appeal to anyone in the left, and its weird flat characterization of the villains as The Most Cartoonishly Evil Cops/N*zis You Can Think Of kind of makes the conflict feel... empty. It's hard to explain without experiencing it, but i cannot recommend anyone actually read it. or maybe u should just so i can finally talk to other people about this, maybe im insane for feeling this way.

some favorite moments of mine, in no particular order:

-the multiple instances of a side character being introduced, having their race and tragic backstory exposited in one sentence, and then they vanish, never to appear in the narrative again

-white supremacists attack the indie art museum on twitter. thankfully they start a counter hashtag and the entire situation wraps up in under 24 hours. they go from "we have to fire all of you bc of pressure from these assholes" to "actually its fine" bc of twitter. i dont even think its supposed to be part of the magic of the city or whatever. its an incredible sequence.

-"he shot out of the pool like a child fired from a hot buttered child cannon"

-theres a bit where the author sets up a neat fight between a character who does a cool transformation and a REALLY neat monster. u will not see that fight play out. that scene isnt in the book. just the leadup and the aftermath. why even bother.

-one of the main characters has a tumblr but its obvious the author hasnt like... used tumblr. this isnt a major sin but it is funny

-really have to state again that theres a line in this book that reads "hot buttered child cannon." this also isnt a sin, this is maybe poetry.

-its labeled as adult fiction, it feels like its trying to go for grit and gore and sex in places, but its also weirdly shy about engaging directly with a lot of that stuff. this one might (MIGHT) actually be a style thing, admittedly most of my nitpicks surround one specific character who has a reason to be Like That, but i also have issues with her as a whole that i do not have space 2 get into here. regardless, a lot of this book feels like ya somehow, but the concepts its playing with and some of the scenes DO also make it feel too adult to really suit that either. its... weird.

its kind of a mess in a lot of places, and honest to god it sort of drags in the middle. if you DO pick it up, i recommend the audiobook. the narrator does a fantastic job, and they do some fun sound design in a few places. unfortunately the story itself is kind of hollow. it has a lot of diversity, but the way so many of those diverse characters are tossed out for brownie points and discarded, the way so many characters go into these preachy little rants about VERY basic ideas like "white supremacy bad" its just...

im sure that the author meant well. this book wouldve raised the bar for its representation in like... 2014. maybe thats when she started writing it, idk. unfortunately it came out in 2020 and i think it just feels Dated in a very strange way.

u dont have 2 publish any of this also ofc, im just always here to Unrecommend this book. unfortunately theres a sequel and some part of me is holding out hope that the author fixed some of the things i took issue with in the intervening years, so im bound to this series via curse. even if i hate this one, i know theres gonna be at least one more, and maybe *that* one will fix it-

do not be like me.

This ask was a ride from start to finish. I feel like I was shot out of a hot buttered child cannon.

[wooahaes]

best friend's older brother/older brother's best friend–there’s rarely fics where the reader plays that part

Another rare one is fake dating but it's the idol needing the date, not the reader

ohhhh anon ur onto somethin here...

usually for any sort of sibling relationship i just go the adopted route for whoever it is so my first thought is 'seokmin's adopted brother, chan, being in love with seokmin's best friend' because i feel like chan would just sit there with heart eyes and be obvious to like 90% of ppl except seokmin and reader.

(the rest is under a read more bc i cannot stop rambling im sowwy!!)

could even go with reader being chan's first love in a sense where he's basically been in love with them his entire life (even before he figured those feelings out) w seokmin and reader being childhood friends. reader who always came to his dance showcases (alongside seokmin n his family) and any sports meet-ups he had in middle and high school. chan who shows up to all of your events to be your cheerleader, even when seokmin can't be there just so u know u have someone there to support u. its 100% reciprocated but its chan who keeps it all a secret bc he doesn't know how seokmin would react to it.

obvs seokmin would be 100% fine with it but its the 'i dont know if it'll be weird for him and i dont want to make him feel out of place' etc etc and readers like. boo ur overthinking literally all of it.

as for the other idea...

ngl i kinda had a fic w a (chubby fem) reader where she and seokmin were fake dating for mutual reasons. reader basically asked him to go on practice dates w her, and he comes back around to it after he blurts out that he's dating her to get someone else to leave him alone after the person won't take no for an answer. hopefully thats kinda in line with what u were thinking???

but for something thats purely 'he needs a date, not the reader' hmm.... jihoon. idk why but i get the vibe that jihoon would accidentally get himself caught up in something. ppl he's not friends with bothering him about the fact he never goes on dates or seems to be dating anyone, and he just gets fed up with it and blurts out that he HAS been dating someone for a long time, he's just private about it... and he just names you, his neighbor. and he just gets a plus one to some work event, saying that he should bring his partner around like everyone does :) he comes home to his roommate and soonyoung laughs his ass off over it like really??? i never thought u would get so fed up over something lmaooo and jihoons like this is mortifying and they'll never say yes if i ask them to do it

and then soonyoung is like no point in saying that when we could find out!!! and basically drags him over to ur apartment. and jihoon shows you the thing and hes like i can lie again. its ok. i'll just say you got sick. and ur like is there gonna be like... good food there. and hes like uh yeah we have nice catering and ur like im in lol i love free shit <3 and jihoons like aughgh what??? what??????? do u mean????

and basically he and reader hatch this plan to fake date for a while. his coworkers know his social media, so they'll hard launch a relationship, go on dates, make posts about each other, etc. and then they'll break up in a month or so--as long as it takes for it to not be super suspicious that jihoon just mentioned his relationship.

and then idk kiss kiss fall in love

(also know if u want skz versions of this.......... return to me sdkfhdsf i will absolutely ramble abt skz versions of these)

[rotisseries]

cough. idk if i explained how theo was brought back but basically . it was liam had the idea to bring theo back. hayden, his GIRLLLFRRIIIENND. was not on board. she used to be in his pack. anyway liam who literally almost killed scott ......... was like "we need something capable of absorbing a lightning bolt. or someone." and liam knew theo killed josh for his power. so he knows he could take a bolt of electricity. in theory he's risking a lot. (he needs someone to absorb lightning bc the ghost riders aka villain of the season travel on lightning and he wants to be able to capture one and then go from there.) he went to kira's mom and asked to bring him back. he was confused when kira's mom gave him the sword and said "youll have to do it yourself" bc he figured that she was gonna do it. and then she tells him "whatever happens...is your responsibility." hayden said she supported him in whatever but right before he put the sword in the ground where they left theo all those months ago, she said "WAIT" and he did it anyway and theo came from hell dirty and scared like a wild animal he IMMMEEEEDIATELY pins liam to a wall with his forearm on liam's throat. . listen. when i tell you he's looking around frantically and afraid its like they cant even talk to him. hayden is like "theo we're not trying to hurt you!" ans hes like . off somewhere. and he says "where's my sister?" <- in some weird growl because he is PETRIFIED RN. and they mistake theo's question for memory loss. liam says "your sister's dead. she died a long time ago." ans HAYDEN SAYS "you killed her ...remember?" hayden..... shut the fuck up. YOU DONT KNOW THAT.??? anyway and then theo says hes gonna kill liam and etc etc then liam holds out the sword as a obvious threat and theo backs off. says that they need his power to help them. AND THE DEAL ALWAYS WAS. THAT THEY USE THEO AND SEND HIM BACK. THAT THEO HELPS HIM AND HE GOES BACK. THATS HOW MUCH THEY HATE HIM. EVERY WRONG OR WEIRD THING HE DOES OR SAYS ANS SLMEONE SAYS "send him back" LIKE FUCKING CHILL GIVE HIM A MOMENT. anyway that was always the deal. but liam said "help us and you can kill whoever you want after. but if you kill US. then you're gonna be worse off than ever." <-ish. and theo says. "theres nothing worse than what ive been through." they do not respond or acknowledge that. do mind tho, liam treats theo with the most respect, more than anyone else does even tho he has good enough reasons to despise him. unlike hayden he recognized how scared he was. and didnt yell at him or accuse him of killing his sister. just said she died. anyway. so theres this contracption that they have able to hold all the jules or voltz of electricity in a lightning rod. they brought theo to it to TEST if he could handle a lightning bolt. liam tells him he can do it. he cant. he doesnt have  josh's power and he doesnt have tracy's power and hes back to classic theo. he thinks hes gonna get sent back by the way liam and hayden are talking so that mf starts going "hold hold hold on i can help" he has information on the ghost riders and he knows shit from the dread doctors and HE REMEMBERS STILES!!!!!! stiles got taken by the ghost riders and if you get taken you get erased from everyone's memory and basically reality. ans since he was in hell he . remembers him. and he also has exclusive information on the person liam ans hayden brought down with them to test the lightning. hes a science teacher at the high school. but in actuality, theo knows who he really is. i aint got time for all that rn. anyway liam lets him stay on account of knowing who stiles is and the fact he probably does know things.

imagine coming out of literal hell and some bitch is like "you killed your sister" babe one of us is going back down there and it won't be me

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ari<33 how was your day? how is it going? tell me tell me!! MY QUESTION IS what movies would be your movies with gojo n geto n shoko?? like something you're both always down to watch

i just thought about this bc i put jackass on for background noise (a totally normal thing to do i know) and i realized that jackass would absolutely be something me n gojo would bond over lmao i think he'd find it so funny and he'd react to everything sooo dramatically like he's crawling backwards over the couch he's gagging he's crying he's laughing and he will most definitely wanna fucking try some of the stunts............................ he's stupid and i love him

- @softgirlgonehaywire

MICKEY !!!!!!!! hihihi!!!!!!!!! so happy to see u here hehe. my day was good!!! 🌻🌻🌻 im trying to take advantage of my uni break to read and write a bunch!!! which is super fun :D i wanna check out more of ur stuff sometime soon too !!!!

what abt u mickey?? did u do anything fun??? i hope ur day was (or is!!) super duper lovely <33

AAAA AND. thats the cutest question ever im losing it im biting at the walls tysm for indulging my sashisu obsession….. this got long u have been warned ‼️

FIRST OF ALL i just wanna say i havent watched jackass so i cant comment as much as i want to 😔😔😔 bUT i trust u and agree w everything u say yep yep !!!! AND i 100% agree that gojo would do movie stunts w u THATS SO CUTE 😭😭 he would do the most complicated dangerous stunt just to impress u <333 and then break his ankle. and force u to nurse him back to health it was on purpose :/

ahhh but!!!! honestly mickey i dont watch as many movies as id like to……. (PLS GIVE ME RECS 🙏🙏🙏) i have some faves and genres that i love tho!! so here r just some general thoughts :3

gojo is canonically down to watch basically anything so i feel like we would hunt down the most awful/low quality/unintentionally hilarious movies we can n just lose it laughing. ALSO…. im not super into reality tv but i think gojo would LOVE that shit. obsessed w it. i would watch his silly little reality tv shows just to make him happy <333 i feel like he would have genuine beef w people on the show too PHDKDJD LIKE DAMN IS IT REALLY THAT SERIOUS… but it is. he’s out for blood.

….. also this is me being self indulgent lets be clear but: some part of me thinks gojo would love musicals <33 its the would-be theatre kid in him. i love and cherish the legally blonde musical and i know he would too. he sings along obnoxiously loud which would be super funny if he was tone deaf but sadly he has a beautiful voice LMAOO

NOW as for shoko …… she loves horror movies. loves them loves them. i think she’d actually prefer really bad horror movies though. bc she thinks the over-the-top effects are so funny… either way im suffering bc im a scaredy cat LOL. but i feel like she’d like that too <33 (i would cry and she would comfort me by explaining how splattered brains ACTUALLY look and that would make me cry more)

AH ALSO … i have literally no idea where this came from and its not a movie but!! i think shoko would be unreasonably obsessed w the office. its her hyperfixation. we would binge it together all the time <33 my favorite is michael but she would compare him to gojo (objectively correct comparison) and i would no longer be able to see him the same way

and then for sugu…….. he’s so pretentious mickey. i just know he is. ONLY watches good movies. if u ask nicely he’ll watch a bad movie w u but will silently judge it + ur taste the whole time i hate him. (i dont.) idk i just feel like he has way too much to say abt fight club and the godfather PSBDJBF TELL ME U SEE THE VISION…. will lowkey mainsplain them to u but its sugu so i think its fine <33

but jokes aside i think sugu just has Good taste. beyond the mainstream toxic man movies (and even w those i think he has genuinely good and interesting takes he’s simply Perfect)… i feel like he has a wide selection of lesser known movies that are actually really really good and he shares them w u <3 and gatekeeps them from everyone else im thinking like old monochrome french movies w really interesting plots …. indie gems …. etc etc.

but as i said im not knowledgeable abt movies at ALL so i think id just have to trust his taste n watch them w him 😭😭 i cant decide if he’s the type to pause the movie every two minutes to explain something or give u side eye if u talk while its playing PDBDJDJ EITHER WAY… i love him.

OH BUT BUT BUT …. i think sugu would love mystery movies a lot!!! and they r my favorites ever ever ever. i love knives out & the 2009 sherlock holmes movies so i would force him to watch them w me. thankfully theyre super good so we’d both be happy :) yeah.

if u pay attention while reading u can tell the exact moment i started getting carried away i think PDBDJD THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD QUESTION MICKEY ….. so fun to think abt. if u have any more thoughts on what u and gojo would watch PLS tell me i am itching to know 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

If I may, #1 ("Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?" - I am more and more curious about the technobabble you've been posting, haha), #3 ("What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need?") and #18 ("Do any of your stories have alternative versions? [...] Tell us about them.")

1."Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?"

current project is a thasmissy fic (wait do people even know that portmanteau? ive just been using it. yaz/13/missy) set between revolution and flux. it's basically vault times but with 13 and yaz instead of 12 and bill. it's about coming to terms with trauma and coming to terms with your sexuality i think most concisely put. or in other words i think ive put it like it's about "the things we dont want to touch and the things we DO want to touch". heres the video i made of it last year for anyone who hasnt seen it:

this video took a full month to make and drove me almost insane which makes sense bc editing this fic rn is driving me again insane. just need to finish two more scenes. one of which is the technobabble

it's really fun to do but also takes soooo much time. my favourite tardis wiki page is the tardis components one so im on that a lot, and then ive got a thousand wikipedia pages open about philosophical, linguistic and mathematical concepts and then i try to put words together in a way thats at least superficially a little bit convincing

it's completely incoherent of course but it sounds fun. my browser history looks like this now:

no idea what any of those things actually are <3

3 "What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need?"

honestly i dont think i have a lot of those? i think generally my writing process is just that i write the scene i want to write, and either that turns into the whole fic, or i combine it with other scenes i wanted to write and shuffle then all around for a long time until it resembles something like a story. who needs set up? just jump into the medias of res babey

18 "Do any of your stories have alternative versions? […] Tell us about them."

full stories probably not or maybe there were but i dont remember now. but theres a lot of scenes with alternative versions in this thasmissy fic bc i had to puzzle and recut and rewrite a lot until it made the least bit of sense due to aforementioned "shuffle around until it resembles a story" approach

theres one scene where there was a really clear fork in the road where first i went down one route and then i was like 'oh no i cant do this, it breaks the relationship beyond what i want it to' so i had to go back and take the other path. im still fond of that alternative scene because it was also an interesting one i think

it's a scene between yaz and missy and in the cut version yaz said/did something that sort of cemented their dynamic as an echo of what my interpretation is of vault times thoschei, ie that the doctor keeps the master trapped. half physically half emotionally. because i think the master could leave, the vault or 13's tardis in this fic, but emotionally it's more complicated than that. the power the doctor has over them is that they want the doctor's love, especially missy is super overtly driven by that. the master always is but missy is unashamed and almost unresentful of it i think. missy will say "love me" out loud, basically. "i need my friend back" you know?

and what i had yaz do put missy in that same kind of position she is wrt the doctor. and they both immediately realised that and missy was like "youre just like her" and yaz was like "oh shit i fucked up". it's an interesting scene i think because being like the doctor is what yaz wants, right? and being like the doctor is why missy is drawn to her. but yaz doesnt want to replicate the relationship dynamic of the doctor and the master. she wants to be like the doctor but she also has that I Can Fix Her instinct. and i think with missy that is way more important because missy doesnt need another doctor (even though she also wouldnt be interested in someone who wasnt a little bit the doctor, you know? hi clara. i think 12/missy/clara and 13/dhawan/yaz are like two sides of the same coin. the companion a mirror to both the doctor and the master)

[lunar-lair]

busts down the door fuck it. off the cuff gender/sexualities headcanons for the rise boys/whoever else i decide. i havent fully considered these/written these out so it might be a hot mess have fun (its also 1 am this is your warning)

see leos a little Special. surprise trans leo is my fav thing ever so what I like to do is ambs (assigned male by splinter, he didnt know the cloacas were in different areas or to start squinting when leos shell got more concave. no i did not know those facts before surprise trans madness/my egg doc i made a whole cloth new however the fuck you say it reproductive system for this fucking turtle so he and his bunny boyfriend could have kids and i could torture him with sliders being oviparous. thank you less-depresso-more-expresso for your leo egg post in december it changed me fundamentally) -> oh . those are eggs. ok *whistling sound as he continues w his life* -> wait gender is a construct. maybe this is a gift -> genderfluidity slaps the kid in the face when theyre abt 17. also hes gay cause it feels right. so does some form of demisexual or romantic but i have a lot of opinions on how his dating life would go and how it would impact his character (rhinocio gets it if u know them. were besties u see) so i think that woudnt hit until more like 18 or smth like that maybe idk

in much more basic terms. genderfluid gay leo ftw we love a trans leo in this house. this goes whether or not you believe in Egg this kid is not cis mark my goddamn words

raph has always screamed she/he to me as she has to most people. im feeling bi. double bi also feels both very right and very funny his siblings would have a ball w that

if mikey doesnt use neopronouns whats the point. gender is a game and mikey is winning. sexuality is also a game and mikey is Still winning. goes w pan but literally would nebulously date anyone as long as they seemed cool and he liked them well enough. they and leo are shaking hands except leo is hoarding like she, he, they, and maybe a couple other neopronouns meanwhile mikey is like im everything all at once fight me abt it. so nonbinary in the everything kind of way. maybe. i have no idea what the name for this is but i know exactly the kind of vibe im talking abt

and ofc donnie is in the absolute opposite direction. he/they, more nonbinary than anything else. rise apritello star lastknownstatus-alive has allured me with aroflux donnie and considering i know like two things abt the aro and ace label existence im absolutely listening. definitely think hes on that spectrum though, it just fits. think hed look at the sexuality thing and go ...none of these are right. and then forgo it entirely. their sexuality is whoever is hot and whoever they fall in love with die abt it

this is where i say that trans man draxum means everything to me and also that man simply isnt straight nor is he allistic (i mean allo as in like hes definitely on the ace/aro spectrum and i didnt realize until rereading a while later but he is also not allistic tbf)

also splinter is bi i rest my case. pretty normal gender on that rat though, even with the gnc everything

april is so . that gender is so everything. hoarding genders like mikey but less so and also less aggressively. less everything all at once and more somethings sometimes and sometimes not other things. shes a solid inbetween of mikey and leo. my brain clocked bi but i honestly dont know why. help i dont know that many names and also i havent been in love in 4 years idk how the sexuality half of this works

also as a disclaimer we as a system (not in our bio bc Fear) identify as genderfluid (not that i know what the flag looks like . look i keep forgetting to look it up ok) but thats because its easier. a lot of us are sort of genderfluid or use multiple pronouns but remembering those gender experiences is HARD . accordingly any discussion of gender and the experience might be totally fucked bc were only so many genders bc there are so many people in this brain. ok im getting off the stepladder w my megaphone where i make separate points now onto casey

my baby my little guy. think the fam wouldve given him the opportunity to explore that stuff as much as he could in the apocalypse. im feeling he/it. thinks gender is a construct. too busy to find a label. would probably like bigender or genderfluid. kind of like mikey, technically works w pan but would date literally whoever whenever wherever as long as there was a preexisting relationship. dont tell him but hes probably demiromantic

and casey sr!!! my girl my lady! i could go either cis or transgirl on her, or even she/they or she/they/he, she does whatever she wants any day of the week. absolutely a lesbian though thats undisputed. also feeling demiro And demiace

this is your last warning that i sussed half of these out based on vibes Right Now. except for leo theyre on my mind 24/7. and mikey mikey felt patently obvious. same for donnie but only gender wise

ok im done now prommy. may or may not fuck around and make a background + oh yeah! thats me!! style fic for these guys if i feel like it. probably wont come out during pride but hey. you dont stop being gay when june ends yk. either way tada ill come back if i decide i was talking bullshit and correct myself later. bc i usually decide i was talking bullshit eventually lmao. probably partially cause im like 18 its a natural side effect of growth occuring at a faster rate due to my younger age. anyways this has been your twice annually actually long and headcanons/fun filled luna post. ill see you in like, october probably, unless i get ballsy, see you then either way lmao

[rodbei]

Its been a while

ive been pocrastinating, but thats not the point. the point is i just saw a tiktok about studying teenage brain and yk maybe i wanna do aomthing in terms off psychology, i wanted to do it when i wwas younger because it has always intrested me and always been a big part of my life in a lot of ways.

But i should properly update you on whats been going on ill try and summerize it i guesss. honestly a bit confused i forget, really easily i mean that i swhy i started this blog uhh well i've gotton closer to my boarding school freind i cant remember if i gave him a name so his name is just possum now which is really obvios if someoner ever finds this blog but oh well. weve been watching horror movies since its oktober, some really got ones a couple bad ones its been fun. i also met up with my partners freinds in one of his freinds horder moms apartmen... it was rly gross but an intresing experience they figured out we were gay... also no shit my bf cant keep his hands of me when were drunk.

Did try smoking again, but thats only on what 3 times in a year so I NOT A SMOKER waaaaaa, i do it in the lana del ray way and not in the vapingg in the school bathroom way ok... i dont know if that makes it better. i also made a school assaignment the moment after it was due but i amde it rly good and thecnically delivered on the right day just acouple hours late which isss like slay? i guess

most intresting thing was a met up with some OH SHIT YEAH AND MY BIKE GOT FIXED which is a blessiing like omg i love my bike my one true love. its been getting esier to live at home slowly thank god but ist lonely, i miss my brother and siblings most of hte time i also come from boarding school so yeah very very lonely still dont speak with my roomate and my only freind is red.

but yeah yeah met up with some boarding school freinds, to just explain i have 2 groups of freinds one is my first roomate wich is basically non nerdy animation freinds, and the other is my nerdy animation freinds including my partner and possum and some other taht im to lazy to make alias for but yeah i had a party with no nerdy ones it was.. alright bit akward only 5 ppl dident know the host that well and got drunk and tired rly fast so we went to bed a 12 and i got REALLY invested in pitch perfect like INSANLY i also smoked and was sober enough to feel it for once... and my first rooate saw me smoke and she was to first person who gave a hsit and that kinda put it into perspektive that smoking is actually a bad idea no shit.

But yeah bc they are non nerdy and quite neuro typical i can never help feeling left out or looked doqn on in that freind group like i know they properly dont look down on me but keeping contact with them is haaardd, oh and i dressed up like a skeletonn and i slayed but i was the only on proper dressed up even if it was just face paint.

anyway after the party i made my way to the capitol and home to my mom and now im chilling.

i had some very profound intresting tought sto deal with u in the shower but i forgor

00:37 Tuesday 15/10 2024 two days to my childhoods bestfreinds birthday.

oh and also im going to a huge party next weekend with my childhood freinds gonna be intresting. ALSO HAPPY AUTUMN BREAK

song of today: into the Unknown from over the garden wall

ive been carving pumkins

[the-smiling-grinner]

hey uh dont read this 👍 TW vent

okay so basically everything has gone to shit. lets get a lil back story here

so ill be 17 soon (terrifying) and it will be almost 4 years sober of everything and i could not be more miserable. when i was 12 i abused perscription medication during the 2020 lockdown and in the process got into other things (cigs and alchol).

i dont really think that anyone understands how deep it goes. i mean think about it, a 12 yearold already suffering from halucinations, delusions and other things. on two kinds of anti psychotics, drinking, smoking and taking way to many pills. its pretty messed up.

my parents had never been the best but a brain tumour caused my mother to become abusive. i dont remember much of 2020-2021 bc i was either high, drunk, in a psychotic episode or sometimes all three. but i remember some things and the things i do remember are bad. it got so bad that i barely knew what was going on half the time.

safe to say my appearence was less than ideal. i wore a covid face mask constantly. even when you stopped having to at school. and i still wear it. simply bc i know people will make fun of me for it more than they already do if i take it off. as much as i want to stop wearing it, i know i cant.

my hair was dyed black and greasy, my achne was bad and my teeth were messed up. i was over weight, then under weight, then over weight again. i was hidious. evey photo taken of me, i looked through the camera. i had nothing left behind my eyes. i was so close to giving up entirely.

my mother had her brain tumour removed and my life was starting to take shape again. thats when she came in. she was beautiful in every way. i hated her but i loved her all the same. she caused me so much pain but it felt great.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. to date her. but i soon deacovered that she was not like she seemed. in many ways ill not describe. she ripped me appart, absolutly gutted me from the inside. i developed FND (look it up i cant be bothered explaining). my life was starting to go down hill again. i felt sick constantly. my halucinations were terrible and my mental state was even worse. i had sezures and headaches every day.

then we broke up. it was drawn out and long but to leave it all behind was freeing. i felt free for the first time in months. then she back stabbed me. i wont say what happend but this is the reason i can not trust people. my paranoia is through the roof. i constantly think about how everyone is conspiring against me and that they arent really my friends.

anyway. enough about her.

i am lonely and i fear that i will always feel this way. i have friends and a boyfriend yes but they also have friends. my halucinations icolate me. i behave agressively and erratically. nothing as bad as 2021 and 2020 but still bad.

i dont know what to do so i throw myself into school. its all i really do anymore. that and pretend i have friends. i sit at the kitchen bench and speak to no one. i have many friends there. i can act how i want and they like it. i have no one to talk to about this.

i try to talk to God but i feel bad burdening him with it like i am with everyone else. i dont feel good enough for God or any one for that matter.

im nothing like the pretty Christian girls on tiktok who look so pure and sweet. the look so kind. true women of God. i am not. i try to be but it never works out. i look scruffy, my hair is always messed up, i wear weird clothes, im rude, i cuss way too much and im just not a very nice person to be around.

i want to be tho. more than anything i want to be kind. i want to be good enough. and it doesnt even seem like im trying.

i really want cigs and alchaol. to medicate like i did all those years ago but i cant. sinning every day with small things is bad enough but those are worse.

i do my best in school and thats enough. it makes me feel like enough. im good at school. im good at it. im not good at many things but im good in school. i got dux in two subjects last year and finished top 10% of my grade. thats enough right?

every day i feel my sanity slowly slipping away. being replaced by paranoia and horrible halcinatoins. i tell myself that ill never get as bad as i was back then but deep down, i want it. bc this time, people would see it. they would know how bad it is and how my jokes are just a cry for help.

i have been put on more medication as of recently and im scaired. i dont know what it will do to me. will it kill me? will it make me put on weight? who knows. ive already had bulimia i dont need it again.

on top of this, im loosing my best friend. i can see how much they suffer. i can see how bad it is for them. they have made heaps of new friends recently and i am so happy for them but we so rarely talk now. when we do, its great. we used to see eachother every weekend, now we dont. i ask first to hang out and i feel bad, like im forcing them. i dont want to force them.

there was more i could have done for them that night. if it wasnt for those drugs. those fucking drugs. the dugs that i took to take me away from everything. to make me happy. but i wasnt happy. i was insane. i was deranged. surely anyone who looked at me could see it. that night i ripped out 4 teeth. one of them was an adult tooth. a mf adult tooth. i tore out a tooth. i was 13 by then.

i have to make my parents happy and when i dont i feel bad. i want to make my dad happy and go to his house but i hate that house. i want to make my mum happy but it always ends in an argument. i want to make my friends happy but i cant and if they can find friends to make them happy. then thats okay.

i just dont know anymore. everything is so blury. the paranoia is imence. i hate it. anyway. hope no one actually reads this.

there is SO much more but this is all for now

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

[sillygooseun]

okay so since i haven’t posted much recently, i have a lot to share bc i’m. Like That™️ :D

anyway so i work at a small newspaper stand and occasionally they’ll let me edit or write pieces for the article! anyway, the other day, i was talking to one of my coworkers (omg i sound so adult) about hair dye/styles, and how different hairstyle/hair color means you’re often treated differently. (basically this post here) and our editor happened to walk by and here some of what i was saying, and he goes “Hey, you’re really passionate about that. I like it! Write this down, because even if it doesn’t make it into the paper, I want it in my office.” so of course i was all like “Okay! I’ll get right to it then!” so anyway i just thought that since i shared that post i wanted to also share what i wrote (it didn’t end up in the paper, but he actually pinned it on his wall!!! i’m so so proud!)

WARNING IT IS REALLY LONG SO DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ THROUGH A LONG ARTICLE!!!

Hair dye. One of the many wonders of our world. You can look the way you want, because you have the power to choose. I’ve always loved the idea of dyeing my hair, and I’ve been dyeing it since i was 13 years old. Something that I’ve learned along the way is that people tend to treat you differently based on your hair color. A lot of people like to say the phrase “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Except for the fact that a lot of the time, the people saying this are only saying it for their benefit. It is an intrinsically human behaviour to judge and feel judged. Now, you may be reading this going “Well, that’s only some people, because I would never judge anyone!” But thats where you’re wrong, and you know it. When we see other people, oftentimes our first thought is something bad. For example; “She should get a nose job,” or “That color does not look good on her.” We all judge people, even if we don’t realise it, because we live in a society where it’s normal to do so. But if you don’t think judging people is a horrible thing to do, I’m sure you’re going to be convinced by the end of this article.

I’ve been pushed around all my life. By bigger, older people, by boys, by girls, by adults. And I’ve never felt as though it was a bad thing, because I was told that every kid my age goes through it. But when I found out this wasn’t true, I was furious. Rage can feel different sometimes, and this time it felt like betrayal. It also felt sad, and cruel. I couldn’t help but think, “Why didn’t they just tell me? Why didn’t they do anything?” I know now that they couldn’t. Or, perhaps “wouldn’t” is a better choice of word. When I found out that I was being pushed around more than others, I felt out of place, and unnatural. A month after I had turned 13, I decided to dye my hair a bright purple color. I was treated 10 times worse than I had been with my natural, brunette hair. So I continued to dye my hair every color under the sun, when I realised that it was useless. At 14, I dyed my hair platinum blonde. I was treated better than I was before. My hair grew out, and I kept it blonde until I was 16. I felt more confident, less unsure of who I am, or where my place was. But everyone seemed to put me in this box. My male teachers started dumbing down subjects for me when I asked a question. Boys at school (whom I’ve known for years) started telling me I couldn’t play football with them. I was told that I “dont even know who that is” when wearing a sports jersey. I got tired of being talked to as if I’m stupid and worthless.

My mom is someone who I’ve always been close to, always looked up to. My mom has red hair, and when I was 16, I dyed my hair the same shade as hers. As you should know, girls are a little more matured at 16. Well, a 16 year old with red hair is apparently a target for older men. I was stared at by men twice my age at the gas station, the grocery store, and I was suddenly more liked by boys at school. At the time I had thought it was a normal thing, that all girls go through this. When I was talking to my friend about it I realised this was something that wasn’t happening to her. I was confused, and angry with myself for not realising. I let the red fade out of my hair, and gave it some time to go back to its natural color.

My hair healed from the chemicals in the hair dye. I was not treated as bad as I was with colored hair, not talked to as dumb as I was with blonde hair, and not sexualised the way I was with red hair. I could simply be, and that was enough for a while. Until I got bored of being normal, and dyed it again. I was called “an attention seeker” by classmates, friends, and even family. I’ve learned now to ignore them, because even though my hair is different, I’m not. I want anyone with dyed hair to know that you are still you. Unless you’re not. Some people are changing and some aren’t, and that’s okay! I’m 17 now, with green hair, and suddenly I’m “cool” and “edgy.” I don’t care what people think I am, because I know who I am. And I hope that you, dear reader, can also someday know what it’s like to know who you are.

[heeracha]

## sneaking out. — p. jay

content/warning(s): bf!jay x f!reader, hubby!jay in the end with a daughter. daughter's in legal age. swearing (i think ? i just kinda assume now that i did swear bcs hey thats what i do), a bit of lying. basically, things you do when you sneak out lmAO anyway yeah, unproof read ofc

wc: 1.4k

note: heeracha comeback era ig ??? and not less than 24 hrs she ghosts again /j,,, and omg wow ??? its not a hee fic ???? gasps,,, anyway,, uh,,, this is kinda shit, but i got this idea and it somehowjust seriously fits jay. anyway, hope u enjoy this little something something here <3

“honey, you know we adore jay with our whole hearts.” your mom says and you know it right away, she’s not going to let you go on a date. “but we have to go to your aunt’s tomorrow for your nephew’s birthday. she’s really looking forward to this.”

“i’ll wake up early, i promise, mom.” you say and she frowns. “i’m always on time!”

“you know that’s a lie, you’re always the last one and always late.” your dad butts in as he helps you and your mom with the dishes. “just one night, honey, okay? you’re always with him. even when it was your cousin’s wedding, it felt like you two were the one getting married.”

you frown and they smile at you. “we have to leave at 5 am. you know how traffic it is.” your mom says.

“and 25 years of being married and always going there, dad still can’t memorize the way there.” you mumble and your mom laughs, hitting her hip with yours. when you’re done with the dishes, you go upstairs after saying good night to your parents. you take your phone out, texting your boyfriend.

hey, wait for me outside the window?

jay <3: youre not allowed to go?

no,, but yk how i am

jay <3: yup i do.

jay <3: if ur parents get mad at me, istg, y/n

you always say that, did we ever get caught?

jay <3: ,,,,,,,,no

jay <3: still, im scared

jay <3: and yk it’s okay if u dont go out with me tonight

jay <3: we can do it the other day

that’s what you always say, but you get pouty and sad like a five year old

jay <3: can you blame me?

im ready, r u there?

jay <3: yup

after putting your covers and blanket over the pillows acting as your body, you lock the door and go to the window, opening it. you wave at jay, who’s hiding behind the bush. he waves back, going closer and you climb out, closing the window as jay waits for you. he holds you by your waist, putting you down and he looks at you, frowning.

“one of these days, you have to actually obey your parents.” jay says and you kiss his pouty lips.

“they never told me to not sneak out.” you say, holding his hand as you two walk wherever your feet could take you. 

the two of you end up going for a drive, watching the stars and talk about the most random shit ever as if you two weren’t going to talk later that same day. jay was a nervous wreck about you two getting caught and your parents getting mad at him, but whenever you told him you should go home, he’d go whiny and tell you that you two will go home after an hour.

eventually, jay takes you home. turning the ignition off and getting out of the car. jay goes to you as you climb out, holding your hand as he pushes the door close. he locks it, walking you to your house, since he parked a block away.

four in the morning. wow.

“see, we didn’t get caught.” you say and jay chuckles, kissing your cheek. “i’ll see you next week? sunoo’s birthday.”

“okay. text me later when you arrive?” jay says and you nod. “i love you.”

“i love you, too.” you say. “even though you almost shit your pants at the thought of my parents getting mad at you.”

jay shakes his head, chuckling. “i can’t have them disapproving of our relationship.” he says and you smile. “go, sleep. you need to rest.”

“thank you, love.” you softly say. “i’ll call you tomorrow.”

“i’ll wait for you.” he says and you climb up your window, getting inside your room. you wave at jay before closing the window and he smiles. jay goes back to his car, climbing in and sending you a text before driving home.

jay <3: good night (morning lmao), beautiful. i love you.

you smile, putting your phone down as you lay on your bed, closing your eyes as you let your slumber take you in with a smile on your face, remembering the night you had with jay. even dreaming about it.

but it’s taken away when your phone rings.

you sit up, grabbing your phone and answering it. you look at your side, seeing jay sleeping peacefully with his arms loosely around your waist. you press the phone against your ear. “hello?” you softly say, not wanting to wake up your sleeping husband.

many years after, you and jay got married, started a family just like you two always planned after graduating college and being in a stable place in your careers. 

“mom?” your daughter says. “can you pick me up?”

“i thought you were going to stay over there?” you ask, slowly getting out of bed and replacing your body with your pillow in jay’s arms. you took some clothes, going to the bathroom to change in. 

“yeah, but they invited people over that i don’t know and i’m kind of uncomfortable.” she says and you hum.

“alright, where will i pick you up?” you ask.

after your daughter tells you the location, you drive right away. you wait for her to get in the car and when she does, you say nothing and simply stare at her. she stares back and you chuckle. “what did your dad tell you?” you ask.

“not to go out.” she answers.

“and what did you do?” you ask.

“he didn’t say i’m not allowed to sneak out.” she says and you shrug.

she is your daughter.

“you’re not telling dad, are you?” she asks and you chuckle.

“tell your dad?” you repeat.

“mom, please?” she says, pouting. “i promise, i won’t do it again. and i told you that i was going.”

“of course, i’m not telling your dad.” you say. “if i tell your dad, he’s going to know i picked you up and i knew about you sneaking out. we’ll both be dead.” you say and your daughter covers her face, chuckling. “does your head hurt?”

“a little.” she says. “i drank a little bit.”

you hum. “it’s only five in the morning,” you say. “we’ll go home at seven. we’ll go get coffee, get you sobered up. when we get home, you tell your dad that we went out for breakfast and when he asks why isn’t he with us, you say because he was still asleep. okay?”

“okay.” she says. “you know so much about how to sneak out.”

“i did it a lot back then.” you say as you drive away, going to the nearest coffee shop. just like planned, time was spent sobering your daughter up and getting the smell of alcohol out of her. when clock strikes seven, you come back home, pulling up in the garage as you two go out and get inside the house.

when you close the door, just in time, jay, who is still in his pajamas, comes out of the kitchen with his hands in his pocket. “where were you two?” he asks and your daughter looks at you. you only nod towards jay, gesturing to her to go and greet him.

“breakfast.” she says and you look at your husband, smiling. “i got up early and mom was here, too. so i asked her to have breakfast with me outside.” she lies through her teeth.

jay nods. “were your friends sad that you didn’t get to go last night?” he asks and you daughter shakes her head.

“i’m always out with them, so it was fine.” she says and jay nods. “i got you some breakfast. i feel bad for not waking you up to join us.” she says, holding out a paper bag of food for him.

jay smiles, nodding as he takes it. “thank you, sweetheart,” he says.

“it’s nothing,” she softly says. “i’m gonna go to my room. i’m feeling sleepy again.” she says and jay nods. she comes towards jay, kissing his cheek. “morning, dad.”

“morning. sleep well.” he says and your daughter sprints to her room, looking at you with a smile. when you two hear the door close, jay chuckles. “she really is your daughter.” he says, shaking his head as he turns around to go back inside the kitchen.

you laugh. “how did you know?” you ask, following him.

jay smiles, opening the bag as he eats. “who always helped you sneak?” he asks and you smile. “she’s using your tactics, you’re using mine.” jay says and you laugh. “i’d be mad, but you bought me breakfast, so thanks.”

you shake your head, chuckling. “i love you.” you say and jay only smiles.

“i love you, too.” 

— august 24, 2022. heeracha.