#like shes always going to know things we dont know bc thats the basic idea of it

[pumpkinsy0]

As a preface for the hc request, I live in the middle of nowhere (and when I say the middle of nowhere I mean I live in the same town as Amish communities 😭 there is genuinely nothing to do here except for a single gas station that is basically impossible to walk to half the time)

I would love some hcs of the Curtis bros living in the middle of nowhere in a place like this AND combine that with the au of pony and curly meeting and talking online cause they live far away from each other!!

Maybe they moved there after everything that went down to give a fresh start to Pony or smth and ponyboy turned to the internet to find entertainment and friends 🤷‍♂️ country life was not as good as he imagined HE ROMANTICIZED IT TOO HARD

I am requesting because IHATEITHERE so I need him to experience it as well 💘 love literally everything you post, always a banger 🙏(also sorry for insans yap on my part LMAOO)

this is the perfect ask rn bc ive been thinking about sonething similar for the longest time, god bless u anon🙏🏽🙏🏽

for funsies lets say its like early 2000s

AND THANK U FOR UR SUPPORT,,,ily,,,

•NOW SEE, i dont think they would move out from tulsa after everything, purely for the fact that everything they have is literally there, they cant just uproot their whole lives, yknow?? BUTTT what i will say is that the curtis family gives off the vibe of ppl who HAVE lived in the middle of nowhere and just moved to some place less in the middle of nowhere and thats whats happenin here, they r moving from nowhere to somewhere!!!

•as for how pony and curly met, pony was on some internet forum for tulsa!!! hes a lil curious about where theyre gonna b going but theres a lil stupid TROLL (aka curly) going around it and thats how they met each other :3 curly was specifically targeting pony bc he was a newbie, they took it into arguing in dms but pony was actually pretty funny so they started talking, became friends, pony sent a pic, curly was like “woah mama” annnddddd we get the papercut we know and love

•curlys such an ass bc everytime pony expressed excitement to go to one area like a lake or somethin, curly always ruins it w a “we can go but” and then drops a disgusting fact about the place, if ponys gonna live in tulsa hes gonna b forced to b as unhappy as the residence, aint no frolicking in the flowers here, white boy

•LET THEM PLAN WHEN THEY WANNA MEET UP!!! ponys basically counting the days down and somewhat hiding it from darry. darrys alright when it comes to technology hes not an old man, but its still a new place and he wants to protect pony yknow??? cant imagine the first thing ur baby brother doing is going to meet a stranger and u being 100% on board w it

•soda knows about it and hes talked to curly here n there, sodas still a lil on the fense but glad that ponys making friends w other ppl his age w no help. this is lil one of the rarest instances where sodas kinda open to the idea of pony hanging w curly, revel in it while we’re here

•the video calls between them r something truly special. ponys internet is so ASS and so is curlys, they glitch out sm but theyre used to it now. ANYWAYS, theres been multiple instances if the others family coming in mid call bc theyre both using the family computer thats in the living room, they tease each other for it so bad theres so many inside jokes about it

•this means that darrys looked a lil bit at their messages “on accident” and angelas looked through it just to b nosey, she has no shame about it. darrys managed to personally talk to curly so he felt better about them meeting while angelas just straight up pretended to b curly or got online to lowkey shit talk to pony about him shes sooooo sick of hearing about em😭😭

•curly loves making courage the cowardly dog references to pony by sending him monsters or random scary images on the internet and asking if hes seen them around. does it scare pony???? sometimes, hes not admitting it however

•they gave each other their addresses, if u think them being grounded off the computer was gonna stop em from talking u were sooooo wrong. sometimes cyrly just sends pony a glitter bomb, like i said internet troll over here

•pony sometimes draws curly and sends it over to him, its somewhere hung up on his wall. if anyone ever asks, he tells em he scammed this artist into drawing it for him, he told that story to tim but tim didnt believe him at ALL. next time curly was on call w pony, tim crashed it and started questioning pony. pony was scared shitless❤️

•if ponys moving to tulsa i feel like he also told curly the location of where and curly the little fucking creep he is has been leaving lil notes for pony to see, even carved ponys name on multiple trees so pony couldnt miss it. when pony eventually does move in curly secretly gives him a week to find em all before he just tells pony he did it and shows him around to see them

[kindred-spirit-93]

GUYS LMAO HELP IM ON THE FLOOR

me when i try to explain the lore of my latest hyperfixation and brainrot that has been fermenting for who knows how long in my noggin to my beloved who has to keep up with me every dam time

find urself someone who will listen to u rant about dieties and divine law and order out of order and going on tangents of tangents <3

aight so for context me n my platonic soulmate go to different unis and have been long distance friendship-ing for over 3 years now and we barely get to see eachother irl for plenty of reasons. anyway

when we do meet for coffee and plushie hauls we essentially go over everything that happened over the past few months we havent seen each other in (outside of texts lol) and ya girl always has some hyperfixation to yap about (musicals, mythology, all of the above...)

anyway i explained to her epic the musical lore as best as i could in like 15 minutes while she had a lecture lmao (long story) and honestly kudos to her for understanding my incoherent 5678 words per second ramble and endless footnotes etc. anyway i sent her osp's odyssey video to give her an idea of what i was blabbing about lol

ANYWAY shes just texting me saying shes listened to the horse and the infant & just a man and that shes hooked. IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR DRAGGING HER INTO THIS LMAO. MWAHAHAHAAH

said shes going to binge the musical asap lol (we are both dedicated hard working students ill have u know) and now we can both giggle and ugly cry over odypen hehe. literally vibrating with excitement >:D

last sunday we met after my big exam and i was already hysterical from sleep deprivation and brainrot so i gushed about literally everything. and infodumping kindred is not a kindred u want to be anywhere near esp if ur my girl bc i bare my soul to her lol A N Y W A Y

the thing is u cant explain the odyssey without knowing a little abt the illiad and to really get that u need to know the pantheon and how everyone got into this mess in the first place and and......

thats not even the best part before epic id binged osp red's greek mythology videos and was dabbling in pjo so i was very basically explaining the mythos to her about a month or so ago (equally manically)? and this girl says to me 'wait is zeus daddy?' AND I FUCKING DIED RIGHT THEN AND THERE. my soul *ascended* it was single handedly the funniest shit anyone has ever said in my general direction. i love her

anyway so i gently but very firmly explained why hes the dipshit of all time and she messed with me further on purpose (and i quote; IF BAD WHY HOT?) anyway zeus if ur out there dont talk to me or my beloved ever again or so help me.

[twistedastrology]

hi. yap to me. about your chart. and tell me what you think about other placements PLEASE!!

god bless u omg ok lemme break it down 4 u

why im built like that: a yapping session abt my own chart

ok so firts things first we gotta go thru my absolute pride and joy- this is the placement that when i discovered it in my baby astrologer era i was like Omg thats so cool what-

we got mars and saturn in my 1st house ur honor (unless in whole sign houses in which case saturn is in my 2nd 💔)

i always loved saturn as a planet before i got into astrology n then i came 2 love it even more and this bad boy in my 1st house is why i am so petrified of losing who i am!!!! and my mars i think just makes me very energetic and driven tbh amongst many other things

ofc these 2 are largely responsible for a lot in my chart but that's the basics of what they do-

SECOND THING'S SEOCNDN-

my other pride and joy, my mercury in gemini 💞💞💞💞

i love mercury SO much and despite it largely being the reason for my adhd, it absolutely dominates my chart (along with my outer planets) and is so powerful that it colors my sun more gemini than taurus (especially since i literally dont have any other earth placement except for my lilith in virgo- im all water/fire/air 🙏🙏)

in whole sign houses it would be also be in my 12th house which makes so much sense for me bc i will psychoanalyze Everyone to an ungodly degree because i love learning how people fundamentally work and how things influence them- this and my jupiter in scorpio + moon/neptune in my 8th house is the reason for my love of psychology-

THIRD THISNGS THIRD-

my outer planets 🥰🥰🥰🥰

i was born in the pre shadow period of uranus retrograde btw so while i strongly feel the effects of it being in pisces, i also feel the effects of if it was in my 8th house-

uranus and neptune are both direct in my chart and they're also in mutual reception so they have a LOOOOOT of power in my chart especially if u read my neptune post where i said neptune actually rules cancer (and the moon rules pisces) bc then neptune is given more power via my cancer rising-

my pluto is actually In retrograde so i often have to read pluto in 5th house stuff bc i feel it way more than pluto in 6th house stuff- and like i said in my jupiter post that got fucking obliterated by god for some reason, my pluto is actually conjunct Sagittarius A* (the galaxy's black hole) with only a difference of 51 minutes, and it's in mutual reception with my jupiter in scorpio so there's a lOT going on there 💔💔💔

that pluto tho and probably jupiter too tbh is why whenever im doing something creative whether it be editing or writing or one of the other 5 billion things i do, i usually feel like i turn into some sort of conduit for something WAY bigger than myself and all my cancer energy amplifies it and makes whatever i do also have a very cathartic property to it!!!

4TH THSINSGS FORUTH

since ive been super into astrology ive also looked at my mom's chart like 1 billion times and mine too and what i find fascinating is that she's a capricorn rising and i have saturn in my 1st house, and she has mars in cancer and venus in aries just like i do, but her mars is conjunct her descendant line just like mine is conjunct my ascendant line-

she's also saturn ruled as hell but she's an aries sun/mercury and u would THINK we would hate each other but no we literally have an unbreakable bond- i know the usual idea of like a capricorn mom vs a cancer child is Not Great but her and i make me wonder otherwise 😭😭😭

5YH THINGS FIFTH-

i have some extremely slay aspects ur honor- I like 2 think anyway-

my fav aspects i have are:

- mercury sextile saturn

- uranus trine ascendant

- sun conjunct mercury

and despite it being a hard aspect and a hard 10° orbit aspect,

- sun square neptune

even tho it's within 10° i still feel a Looot of influence from that one- i am a little delusional sometimes but my saturn in 1st does a good job of maintaining it and bringing me down to earth, but in my astrologer's handbook (my fav book 💔💔) it says, and i quote, "a well developed mercury and saturn will do much to offset the negative effects of this square" and i have both of those ur honor God bless holy shit id be off my FUCK without those 2 planets-

but then it continues and says "very often peculiar emotional desires and romantic tendencies are indicated, which can range from platonic love to the most morbid and debased physical type of sensuality." which THAT part i feel immensely- Nobody should ever look in my brain please 4 the love of god for ur sake n mine dont do it thwnk u-

But that's also probably bc i got the pluto influence right bc my neptune is in my 8th house- which btw im p sure pluto is exalted in Aquarius but i can get into that in another post probably-

6TH THSINGS SSIXTH

my uranus trine ascendant also loves to make me weird as fuck- i am a very peculiar individual and my mercury in an aries degree of Gemini also makes me yap Constantly bro i am the yapatron 5000- that (and my chiron in aquarius 💔) is why i have like a whole 1 friend that genuinely appreciates my yapping- him and my mom (my mom and i yap together tho HAHAHA)

my chiron in aquarius tho hit fucking Hard when i was a wee lad and still kinda does but im workin on it ur honor- i just never felt accepted and never Was accepted in friend groups and stuff and it was only until i started going with my north node in aries that i started actually being able to socialize and stuff- bc i legitimately thought "fuck it im just gonna be weird as fuck and whoever likes me for it will like me for Me and not some dumb shit-"

basically weeding out the losers fr-

7TH THINGSS SEVENETH-

btw i hope everytime anyone has read the 1ST THINGS 1ST or whatever they read it in the tone of believer by imagine dragons like that one tiktok audio of like "1st thing's 1st!!!! 2nd thing's 3rd!!! First seocnd third thing's third???" ANAYYWAY-

if u read my cancers n rage post too ull know where im comin from w/this but my cancer rising + mars in cancer gives me this unfathomable rage that legitimately makes my blood feel like it's physically boiling, my heart starts pounding and i get SO shaky- that's only when im super pissed But with the mars energy i literally have to get it out via moshing 2 korn DUDE HAHAHHAHAAH OMG THAT REMINDS ME-

speaking of!!!! i was strugglin real bad like a couple weeks ago now right and i put my earbuds in and listened to chi and to this D A Y. i cannot listen to that song without getting that ungodly rage dude it's diabolical But i literally lost my shit so hard that day i think had i been standing and not doubled over on the floor for my own safety, i woulda broken my knee again (another story i have 🥰🥰)

i did howveer almost fuck up my nose by slamming my face into the floor a little But we're good!!!!! i get very physical 💔 i have so many injuries ive given myself bc of that insane amount of energy i have i could make a list dude it's devious-

God bless u jonathan davis 😭😭😭😭💞💞💞

genuinely tho i aint ever heard more honest 2 god screams that spoke to me THAT much like god DAMN

ANYWAY im silly my bad guys-

8TH THSING'S 8TH-

i tHIK that's it- i could probably go into more detail abt specific things but this is like an overview SO 🙏🙏🙏

thank u for readig my yapping sesison UHHHHMMMMMMMMMMM 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

[thosia]

ok i finished reading everything and i'm extremely fascinated. i have some questions if that's ok

i want to know more about the aeternum... literally anything... theyre so fascinating. they may look like freaks but theyre cutie pies to me

tangentially related zhentaer seems sooo cool and sexy can we know more about that. must be freaky for outsiders to see infrastructure based on/around infuser power

if most of this is just prequel lore then wtf is the actual plot 😭 there are at least 5 books in the insane worldbuilding you have (compliment). i'm guessing it has something to do w overthrowing astir and bringing actual justice to semmet but that's just a guess. who's the protag?

how's the rest of the world doing... what about that democracy u mentioned... the other 2 continents intrigue me... are there even more continents beyond that?

did neryla ever regret what she started or was she just like 🙄 well wtv

uhhh i think that's it this is really cool 👍🏽

HELLOOOOO picture me rocking back and forth !!! questions absolutely always okay <33

aeternums my angelsssss writhing on the floor i get so upset about them. need to make a proper intro post for elura at some point bc i love herrrr. my silly girl who knows every inch of the doom waiting for them and cant do a thing about it. anyway. i like to think bc the aeternums cant meet eo, but they can leave things behind for their successor to see, theyll basically start chatting to them like theyre recording video logs or something😭😭 'hey! me again! just letting u know i think ur the bees knees😍'. rest of semmet convinced theyre these mysterious allknowing gods meanwhile theyre all cringe allknowing losers!!!

ZHENTAER!! fascinating to me actually. bc the capital is SO old and the azhants dont decimate much when they become the high lords there, but they do add to it. so the ancient stuff is all still there, and its just. this insane mix of stuff, some of which is over a thousand years old, standing near as strong as the day it was made, and then also the newer stuff, which for all that it abandons typical northern style, isss still pretty to look at. their cathedral is sooo cool trust. all that domed glass in infusion heated glowing frames to keep the snow off. a lot of the infusion stuff is very minor, but in ways that can make a lot of stuff wayyy easier to do. building high structures is more plausible when you can temporarily make a ton of rock weigh as much as a bag of apples, carving stone is a lot easier when you can change its consistency, building beneath ground is a lot easier when you can easily ensure the ceiling wont fall in, etcetcetc. just these endless possible but vastly improbable feats everywhere all around the entire province. the goal of all the prequel era natural and architectural wonder is to make it as otherworldly beautiful as i reasonably can, because its part of the horror going between that and main era bc sooo much of it is gone by then. so all of semmet during prequel era was gorg, but zhentaer in particularrrr 💞💞💞 its fairly famous in world actually. draws visitors from all over to see hemal seva, and the cathedral in the capital, and the man made caverns and tunnel system beneath the capital etcetc and everywhere has architecture thats insane to look at, as is the nature of people, and especially people with crazy magical powers but. ouaghhh zhentaer was so pretty it was KNOWN for being so pretty😓😓😓😓

GIGGLING. erm i never talk abt my main era because it scares me but i wrote the full first book for that when i was like 17/18?? and decided it needed A Lot Of Work. and i have barely touched it since. but yeah, astirs line lasts for somewhere between 100-250 yrs (i keeeeep back and forthing on timeline) before theres a magical rebellion against them and the last of the kitsarras break the cycle and accept that whether or not theyre favoured by the gods, they are just as human as anyone else🙏. whole idea was just that fantasy media loves 'perfect monarch fixes things and the problems were because of Bad Monarch' but i think we need more stories abt regicide and dissolution of monarchies bc there is no one that can shoulder a nation alone, and anyone that tries will inevitably fail. the main for that is my girl azure kitsarra who kind of sucks real bad. but its fine she learns she abandons that fuckass crown. eventually. but yeah. point and laugh i spend all my time thinking about prequels instead🙁 theres just something so easy abt the cycle repeating tragedy of a prequel😔😔. i try not to think abt the amount of books that are gonna come out of this world bc every time i do it expands, but the original plan was 3 for mainverse and 1 for the prequel. the prequel is now at LEAST two books long, and probably more. im trying not to restrain myself much so i can just write whatever feels needed. main era i need to restructure a Lot so honestly i have no idea what that will end up as. but i like hanging out in here so ill be tolkien style writing shit abt this world forever even if its random side stories that are barely related to anything else

the rest of the world varies immenselyyyy. the main continents are prythos (where semmet is), othros (to the south), and avrashi (to the east). i have quite a bit of fairly shallow lore for a lot of it, bc Most of the outside stuff is just me using foreign political drama to foreshadow or influence plot happenings in semmet. like yeah history is a circle and everyone is always repeating mistakes that have been made before, but also it makes it super easy to have characters drop info from abroad and be like wow how crazy, good thing thats not happening here😍(its about to happen there). ANYWAY south dumeria! first democracy in prythos!!! yeah after they separate from the north, the general who helped them win the war is like ☝️i do not want to be in charge i beg☝️so theres a council which is elected by representatives of each given area of the country. early democracies are never gonna be perfect but theyre tryinggggg its developing theyre doing wonders. and they are actually doing well like beginning to roll out state education, some of the best irrigation in prythos, revolutionising sewer building, etc. keep slaying south dumeria🙏 there WERE actually originally more continents when i started making this fuckass world like 4 years ago, but i like the containment of just the three. whatever else there is is far enough away that gods be good the tricontinent will just leave them tf alone😭

ohhhh neryla <\3 i think shes just so deeply angry all the time that she refuses to entertain the idea that its her fault. its interesting bc shes the closest any ythaera gets to a decent childhood (at least. in a longgggg time). raised in peacetime with her father alive and an actual second parent in the picture. anyway something about that, the ease of it, makes the separation between ythaeras and the rest of semmet soooo stark that neryla really genuinely does consider herself a god among men. fully detached from everyone around her. and the other ythaeras do this too, but even myella has genuine connections with people beneath her and views them as worthy of attention because shes been living at war all her life and is lonely enough to have grown up depending on company from non-family. neryla sees herself as separate, and equates humanity to something like vermin which is why she doesnt really gaf that addin is obviously a nonmagicker, because the distinction to her is inconsequential. AUGHH SHES SO ODDDD. my awful awful girl

[wackywatchdotcom]

heres my weird fringe theory about tadc anyway:

the amazing digital circus, as a game, doesnt exist and never did, because its a cartoon

idk if this makes any sense but im gonna try to word it. basically the idea is that the show is operating on whats gonna be a double-fakeout. we all know the characters are trapped in a game. and thats true enough for the characters. but they werent ever technically actually outside of it. because they are cartoon characters. and their backstory IS being humans. theyre not npcs (who are characterss in the cartoon that were also created within the fake game itself) and theyre still alive- but its not a game theyre trapped in, its a show

theyre all trapped in a show about being trapped in a video game, basically. they still technically 'were' humans in the sense that they have backstories built into them that they remember

my main 'evidence' for this (if you can call it that) is 2 things: gummigoo, and the shows official description

gummigoo as a character, in my theory, is going to mirror pomni. pomni does not know she is not real. but not npc not-real, which would be two layers of not real. shes just one layer of not-real. and her having gotten to know gummigoo serves as foreshadowing to her finding that out about herself

and then, theres the description of the offical tadc episode playlist:

"The Amazing Digital Circus is a psychological dark comedy about cute cartoon characters who hate their lives and want to leave 🎪😀"

basically, the theory just takes this INCREDIBLY literally. that the characters really are... just cartoon characters. and i guess 'trapped in a cartoon' isnt 100% fitting bc w this theory its less that theyre stuck in a cartoon and more that theyve always been a part of it. its just their life

that said the lore in-universe still exists- the game operates in this or that way, the only difference is that its not really a game doing that- just a cartoon based on games

and if this were the case, i dont think any of them know, not even caine. except jax

caine responds to an audience because he assumes theres a person on the other side of the computer. and maybe there is, if the cartoon included one. but jax, somehow, gained the knowledge that this was all a cartoon, and has decided to embrace it. he knows theres viewers, and doesnt care about hiding that

pomni just happens to be the 'newest character.' but in this theory im not actually sure if the show truly existed before she joined. maybe for like 51.5 seconds. or for trailers. but thats it. shes just the newest in their backstories and nothing more

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi cas, its talkitive mom anon. (I think thats what it was)

This ask doesnt really have that much to do with my other ask but i thought it would be helpful, so i dont have to expalin it all again.

Basically, i dont know if my parents are that bad or not. A lot of my friends tell me that my parents are bad and i always say something along the lines of "im fine, my parents are great really, dont worry about it, im not in a bad situation".

What made me send in this ask is that i had a conversation with my friend today and we were talking about our futures and how moving a lot affected our perspectives of where we want to live. She brought up that when i move back to the states she doesnt want me to 'self sabotage' by living close to my parents. It made it sound like my parents are really bad but idk if they are. I think i talk about them negatively bc im frustrated but igim frustrated at them a lot? She also asked how looking for a therapist was going (my mom wanted me to get one and i told her that i was warming up to the idea bc my mom was gonna force me anyway) i told her that i dont think its gonna happen anymore bc i think my mom decided im fine enough and that i dont need one anymore? She hasnt brought it up since we talked about it like a month and a half ago. And me and my mom have barely been able to have one conversation without arguing.

Tbh for a while now ive just felt like im a horrible child. And that im just ungrateful and i should be nicer and more positive about things. I just feel like a horrible person. I feel like i need to fix myself so that my parents like me more bc its my fault isnt it? I talked to my brother and he cant think of many times that my parents made him feel the way i do. So its either bc he never complains about my parents or bc hes just the better child. My parents have also been fighting more and it stresses me out. Im just so tired of screaming matches one second and the next my mom and dad acting like everything is normal and we all suddenly like eachother again. My mom has been telling me to stop crying a lot lately also. And i feel like she right. I overreact too much and thats probably the reason that i even think that my parents might be bad.

Anyway this has become more of a vent than a question. Sorry for ranting. Do you think im the problem though?

Hi hon! I definitely don't thin you're the problem <3

Listen, I don't know your parents but based on what you've told me, they definitely have their own issues. That doesn't make them HORRIBLE, but that means they're human and they make mistakes. I think when you're in the middle of a situation like you are, it's harder to see when people you love are making decisions that could be hurtful. If your friend is concerned, she could be right!

If it was me, I would go to a therapist. Therapists are awesome for sorting out healthy from unhealthy. Tell them about the dynamic in your family and ask them their opinion. They're professionals and they can get background that I can't. They can also help you identify where you parents have been wrong and where you may have been wrong in different situations. Plus, therapy is good for everyone.

Sending love!

[wooahaes]

best friend's older brother/older brother's best friend–there’s rarely fics where the reader plays that part

Another rare one is fake dating but it's the idol needing the date, not the reader

ohhhh anon ur onto somethin here...

usually for any sort of sibling relationship i just go the adopted route for whoever it is so my first thought is 'seokmin's adopted brother, chan, being in love with seokmin's best friend' because i feel like chan would just sit there with heart eyes and be obvious to like 90% of ppl except seokmin and reader.

(the rest is under a read more bc i cannot stop rambling im sowwy!!)

could even go with reader being chan's first love in a sense where he's basically been in love with them his entire life (even before he figured those feelings out) w seokmin and reader being childhood friends. reader who always came to his dance showcases (alongside seokmin n his family) and any sports meet-ups he had in middle and high school. chan who shows up to all of your events to be your cheerleader, even when seokmin can't be there just so u know u have someone there to support u. its 100% reciprocated but its chan who keeps it all a secret bc he doesn't know how seokmin would react to it.

obvs seokmin would be 100% fine with it but its the 'i dont know if it'll be weird for him and i dont want to make him feel out of place' etc etc and readers like. boo ur overthinking literally all of it.

as for the other idea...

ngl i kinda had a fic w a (chubby fem) reader where she and seokmin were fake dating for mutual reasons. reader basically asked him to go on practice dates w her, and he comes back around to it after he blurts out that he's dating her to get someone else to leave him alone after the person won't take no for an answer. hopefully thats kinda in line with what u were thinking???

but for something thats purely 'he needs a date, not the reader' hmm.... jihoon. idk why but i get the vibe that jihoon would accidentally get himself caught up in something. ppl he's not friends with bothering him about the fact he never goes on dates or seems to be dating anyone, and he just gets fed up with it and blurts out that he HAS been dating someone for a long time, he's just private about it... and he just names you, his neighbor. and he just gets a plus one to some work event, saying that he should bring his partner around like everyone does :) he comes home to his roommate and soonyoung laughs his ass off over it like really??? i never thought u would get so fed up over something lmaooo and jihoons like this is mortifying and they'll never say yes if i ask them to do it

and then soonyoung is like no point in saying that when we could find out!!! and basically drags him over to ur apartment. and jihoon shows you the thing and hes like i can lie again. its ok. i'll just say you got sick. and ur like is there gonna be like... good food there. and hes like uh yeah we have nice catering and ur like im in lol i love free shit <3 and jihoons like aughgh what??? what??????? do u mean????

and basically he and reader hatch this plan to fake date for a while. his coworkers know his social media, so they'll hard launch a relationship, go on dates, make posts about each other, etc. and then they'll break up in a month or so--as long as it takes for it to not be super suspicious that jihoon just mentioned his relationship.

and then idk kiss kiss fall in love

(also know if u want skz versions of this.......... return to me sdkfhdsf i will absolutely ramble abt skz versions of these)

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ari<33 how was your day? how is it going? tell me tell me!! MY QUESTION IS what movies would be your movies with gojo n geto n shoko?? like something you're both always down to watch

i just thought about this bc i put jackass on for background noise (a totally normal thing to do i know) and i realized that jackass would absolutely be something me n gojo would bond over lmao i think he'd find it so funny and he'd react to everything sooo dramatically like he's crawling backwards over the couch he's gagging he's crying he's laughing and he will most definitely wanna fucking try some of the stunts............................ he's stupid and i love him

- @softgirlgonehaywire

MICKEY !!!!!!!! hihihi!!!!!!!!! so happy to see u here hehe. my day was good!!! ��🌻🌻 im trying to take advantage of my uni break to read and write a bunch!!! which is super fun :D i wanna check out more of ur stuff sometime soon too !!!!

what abt u mickey?? did u do anything fun??? i hope ur day was (or is!!) super duper lovely <33

AAAA AND. thats the cutest question ever im losing it im biting at the walls tysm for indulging my sashisu obsession….. this got long u have been warned ‼️

FIRST OF ALL i just wanna say i havent watched jackass so i cant comment as much as i want to 😔😔😔 bUT i trust u and agree w everything u say yep yep !!!! AND i 100% agree that gojo would do movie stunts w u THATS SO CUTE 😭😭 he would do the most complicated dangerous stunt just to impress u <333 and then break his ankle. and force u to nurse him back to health it was on purpose :/

ahhh but!!!! honestly mickey i dont watch as many movies as id like to……. (PLS GIVE ME RECS 🙏🙏🙏) i have some faves and genres that i love tho!! so here r just some general thoughts :3

gojo is canonically down to watch basically anything so i feel like we would hunt down the most awful/low quality/unintentionally hilarious movies we can n just lose it laughing. ALSO…. im not super into reality tv but i think gojo would LOVE that shit. obsessed w it. i would watch his silly little reality tv shows just to make him happy <333 i feel like he would have genuine beef w people on the show too PHDKDJD LIKE DAMN IS IT REALLY THAT SERIOUS… but it is. he’s out for blood.

….. also this is me being self indulgent lets be clear but: some part of me thinks gojo would love musicals <33 its the would-be theatre kid in him. i love and cherish the legally blonde musical and i know he would too. he sings along obnoxiously loud which would be super funny if he was tone deaf but sadly he has a beautiful voice LMAOO

NOW as for shoko …… she loves horror movies. loves them loves them. i think she’d actually prefer really bad horror movies though. bc she thinks the over-the-top effects are so funny… either way im suffering bc im a scaredy cat LOL. but i feel like she’d like that too <33 (i would cry and she would comfort me by explaining how splattered brains ACTUALLY look and that would make me cry more)

AH ALSO … i have literally no idea where this came from and its not a movie but!! i think shoko would be unreasonably obsessed w the office. its her hyperfixation. we would binge it together all the time <33 my favorite is michael but she would compare him to gojo (objectively correct comparison) and i would no longer be able to see him the same way

and then for sugu…….. he’s so pretentious mickey. i just know he is. ONLY watches good movies. if u ask nicely he’ll watch a bad movie w u but will silently judge it + ur taste the whole time i hate him. (i dont.) idk i just feel like he has way too much to say abt fight club and the godfather PSBDJBF TELL ME U SEE THE VISION…. will lowkey mainsplain them to u but its sugu so i think its fine <33

but jokes aside i think sugu just has Good taste. beyond the mainstream toxic man movies (and even w those i think he has genuinely good and interesting takes he’s simply Perfect)… i feel like he has a wide selection of lesser known movies that are actually really really good and he shares them w u <3 and gatekeeps them from everyone else im thinking like old monochrome french movies w really interesting plots …. indie gems …. etc etc.

but as i said im not knowledgeable abt movies at ALL so i think id just have to trust his taste n watch them w him 😭😭 i cant decide if he’s the type to pause the movie every two minutes to explain something or give u side eye if u talk while its playing PDBDJDJ EITHER WAY… i love him.

OH BUT BUT BUT …. i think sugu would love mystery movies a lot!!! and they r my favorites ever ever ever. i love knives out & the 2009 sherlock holmes movies so i would force him to watch them w me. thankfully theyre super good so we’d both be happy :) yeah.

if u pay attention while reading u can tell the exact moment i started getting carried away i think PDBDJD THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD QUESTION MICKEY ….. so fun to think abt. if u have any more thoughts on what u and gojo would watch PLS tell me i am itching to know 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[cowboyclassical]

...I can understand that quite well actually as I'm in a similar position myself, although I'm actually dating her right now. Fell hard and fast but one sided, her side not mine.. unfortunately she is also far older than me and in a completely different phase of her life and her view on the world is entirely different to mine. Another key factor is I believe I might be bisexual and her opinions in the past, although not outrightly said, have made me feel as though she might not like the fact I'm bisexual. We are in two very interesting and difficult positions, I think the choice you have made is wise and reflects quite well on you, you have made your mind up and are quite certain of it, now you let yourself lose the yearning (as you said in your own words it's more than likely not yearning in the right/healthy way) and allow yourself to find someone on a level playing field. If you believe people objectively think you're a gay man, maybe you should put an emphasis on picking up a straight hobby, although in saying that! Queer women are attracted to ambiguous and confusin queer men, so maybe just be you and don't change anything about yourself. You seem like a good person, I hope you do well. Goodnight

Anon lets talk fr im so intrigued by you

I think one thing thats tripped me up in the past is the act of getting w someone just bc they like me

Thats a great way to start a friendship, you can walk into loving a friend

But with lovers it's sometimes a trap

With lovers you have to fall

When your feelings dont totally match those of the other person, maybe you oblige them anyways, because you worry you'll never be loved like that again, or that they'll be hurt if you don't oblige their desires, or that good sex can't be found anywhere else, or etc etc

But this act of obliging is based on fear, not on love and desire. You have to put your own desires first in entering a relationship. If you don't, you end up in a situation where you feel pressured: to stay, to put out, etc. Because the fear continues even after you make your decision to be with them. Basically your energies about the whole thing have to match or you're fucked. Im not sure Ive ever been in a place where Ive been able to approach a romantic relationship with a fully reciprocal energy, and I think a lot of people are in this situation too, because they need to feel wanted. I need to feel wanted and that's maybe part of why I yearn for my esoteric girl. It's deeply selfish on my part I fear but Im getting better about it

Idk if this rings true for you, but Ive definitely experienced this trap before and I am very careful with her because I dont know whether my desire for her is genuine enough- whether I want to be with her for who she is or just how she feels. I truly love who she is even outside of my desire, but when it comes to desire I think it's hard to tell between the two, maybe even impossible; and anyways what I want from a relationship wouldnt suit her, so Im not going to compromise and bend to what I perceive her will to be just because I want someone to keep wanting me, nor do I want her to do the same for me.

Maybe this means nothing to you and you were in a different type of situation, I'd love to hear about your experiences. Im intrigued as to how you ended up with a biphobic woman; is she straight or what?????

Also super interested in ideas for "straight hobbies"

Im not playing a sport

One thing that defines the way I live and look after myself, maybe this is not exactly healthy, but I always think to myself: Ive got no one to impress anyways. I might as well do what I want and see who picks up on it. Im not very good at meeting new people so idk if this strategy is working, but it's a great weight off my back, and through this my esoteric girl came to like me, so success rate is at least above zero.

For my next relationship I really want to be the one spearheading things. I want to be the one putting myself on the line. I want to know what I want and ask for it. I can wait for someone to come along who really wakes that energy up in me. Because I know that that's a lesson I have to learn; choosing what I want and then asking for it.

Msg me im dead intrigued by you bro sorry it took 3 thousand years for me to reply i have been working every single day but i think we were both in interesting predicaments and Im glad you broke up w her!!! Theres a whole wide world out there and someone who actually suits you exists and is waiting for you right now

[nightmare8-420]

tw uhhh???? sorta ish implied possible abuse??? i have no idea how to explain this. sorry. /vent / this is so long im basically reciting one of those core issues that reply again and again

this is so stupid shouldnt this stay in the noted app

isnt this basically the open notes app?

what the fuckk everrr idc

how am i supposed to even start this. christ.

april 17th. 2022. i think at least. i dont have any of the pictures anymore. new phone and stuff. it was in april at least. i hate april for more than this reason, big factor though.

i was laying on the couch, early morning, 9-10 am ish if i remember. there was something said about going up to my fathers mothers house because she was insistant, yada yada, i zoned out, then asked for the schedule. [Fathers mothers name]s house then the store? i asked something of the like i think.

and i guess that was the wrong thing to say. she lit into me about god knows what, i can barely remember honestly. dont really wanna remember tbh. i remember some of the things she said, they make me feel disgusting just thinking about it. i wont talk about those.

it was like instead of being a normal ass rider she decided to wait 7 months and then just start fucking screaming. when i say screaming, i mean literal fucking screaming. not shouting. not talking loud. screaming. to the point shes done it so much i dont know how we havent gotten a noise complaint. or domestic violence report or something.

obviously me being 12 and an idiot, i totally took this 100% well!

i dont know why exactly i have been, but, i am to say the least, a paranoid man. kinda.?? is it paranoia if it started out as unrealistic and unjustifed but then became realistic and justified? obviously my ass hasnt trusted her since i was 8. ignoring medical issues, cheating on her husband and making me lie for her. etc. so of course, assuming that shed hit me or something bc tbh that woulsnt be shocking, i went outside, crying like goddamn i was crying bro. (note; unimportant but a habit whenever i start getting yelled at, sorta just shut down and agree with whatever they say, usually making plans on how to look like im doing what they say without actually doing it.) that stupid fucking gray sweater i was wearing. far too itchy ti be considered comfortable. shaking. vision blurrier than ever before (use this line for fanfic future j stg stg)

of course she comes out there yelling too! i think. or made me come back inside. i think it was the latter?? again, tried to forget about this. kinda hard to though tbh.

more yelling ensues, as usual, my father ends up taking me to his mothers house, because we planned to go anyways.

we didnt talk the whole ride there. he asked me on the street "still kinda upset?", god it was hard to get even a "kinda" out (note, blurry memory, dk if thats correct, pretty sure it is tho)

we went in. and i as he and them were greeting each other, i had to go to the bathroom so i wouldnt (or at least not be seen) cry. (my father worked most of the time since before i was born and theyre over protective so going mostly anywhere was always with my mother) it sucked. her bathroom really, REALLY sucks okay.

anyways i come out because i cant hide in there forever. i go into the kitchen, she has a 'gift' for me, she said so. it was a little bird house. yk the ones that arent really useable and just meant to be painted? yeah those. i actually like it still, never finished working on it though.

AND 50 FUCKINF DOLLARS FUCK YOU TO MY MOTHER I GOT 50 BUCKS OUT OF THIS BITCH 🖕🖕🖕

still sucked. (also as a note, i did smoke then, but i had left it purposefully underneath my dresser, incase she was like "HE SMOKES DID YOU KNOW THAT HUH? WHY SHOULDNT I BREATE THIS CHILD" i could be like "NUH UH I LEFT IT THERE FOR ANREASON" or some shit irdk my reasoning was so weird but id still do it today.

so after that, zoning out because god i dont remember the rest, we went to his at the time place of work (truck driver, chemicals, going to the yard to get stuff from truck to swtich it to another or just to clean or look at it is so normal i cant express it)

the yard is essentially an ass ton of those dusty gray small rocks. i stayed in the honda, it was a gray day, literally. looked like it was gonna rain.

i stayed in because everything was so much and if i got out, i probably wouldve collapsed just from being too into my own thoughts.

i guess at some point when she was yelling at me it turned into about school work and how i get nothing done.

theres actually still an app for it, but i dont think you can reset passwords, if you could, then idk how. the password was extremely long and stupid, like random numbers and letters literally. i always logged on on my laptop, by muscle memory, but the ohone keyboard is different so i texted my mother to ask if she knew, yk, to 'show initiative' and of course she was still being an ass. because why not right! so that made me feel more like shit and lowkey kinda helpless. she had been yelling sorta at my father too, so its not like i could just go get run over at this point, would make it worse on him (not actively what i was thinking but i think subconsciously)

finally he finished doing whatever he was doing, dont remember because too focused on smth else (care to guess what?)

he got back in the car and asked if there was anywhere else i wanted to go. i said something along the lines of "anywhere but home".

he said "i know, but we gotta go home at sometime.." i cant express his tone but ill try.

it was in that solem, "im about to start the process of before you cry and i can feel it but im trying not to." or "i know this isnt right, but everhthing else is wrong too and i just. cant. save. you."

i feel that its very worth mentioning that since he was 3 he was severely abused by his father and mother. as he puts it "every night was a fucking argument" i dont remember the exact words but hes stated multiple times because of said fights he used to go to bed without eating. (and his mother is SO fucking weird, i mean it in the shes literally told my mother and i quote "when his chest hair was coming in it was so sexy". im not kidding. this is a real quote from this woman. hes adopted. this makes it absolutely no better but im pretty sure thatd be her justification for that comment.)

[his first father, gene who is now thankfully rotting in hell <3, was an absolute piece of shit. a whore. an abuse. everything.

the next one, Jack because no motherfucker thats MY initial. was an alcoholic, a prick when he was drunk, but not too bad when sober, my father has told me how jacks parents used to. essentially chain him (his shirt or neck?? dont remember) to a clothes line 'so he wouldnt run off'. or smth very close. foggy memory. boils down to 'very sensitive to child abuse and doesnt take that shit' a W indeed.

third, MASON MENTIONED actually was good. he doesnt talk abt mason much (idk time period, dont think he was around too long, died of cancer i think? or tb. i think. also gene was only in his childhood. a bit of gene and then after the nexts where in adult hood)

then the last/most recent, Jimmy. hes like. fine ig????? longer story for later.]

so basically having a slight panic attack because oh god what the fuck am i going to do. i asked a question.

simple. plain. basic english.

"do you ever think she'd hit me?"

you know when youre crying and your throat closes up and is scratchy? just like that. from someone thats supposed to love and protect you.

and. the worst part? this man has been married to her for somewhere around 20? years now. and the only thing he could say?

"i dont know."

i dont know. i dont know. i dont fucking know.

i was in the backseat, so i couldnt see, but i could hear him cry. gene was in the army, so of course he was the type for everything to have to be perfect. also probably why my father is assumed to have been in the military. everything has ways had to be perfect.

and you know what isnt perfect, military or just generally being seen as wrong or effeminate?

a man crying. a grown man crying.

over his wife. not because she died. not because shes sick. but because hes unsure that his own child, his son, will be safe with her. because he has to work. no matter what.

because courts never give custody to the father here. because he doesnt have enough PTO or sick days (not that thats a thing) to see it blow over.

because in the next 24 hours he will have to come to work.

he watched his wife almost kill their newborn son because she was stressed, he stopped it. because he could. because he was there. it was understandable. i dont remember what its called but after pregnancy/birth depression is real.

but thats 12 years later. with a woman that should know so much better.

we went home. it was the first time i was glad he drove slowly.

that tension in the air. it would take more than a fingernail to cut through.

we 'discussed' some things. less yelling. more just stern talkings of 'what needs to happen', i still dont do those things.

at some point we went on a walk, there was a backhanded comment about how we didnt go to the store for some reason.

the next day her and i went to the park. the major was there, she knows him, she made me take pictures with him. and the whole time the only thing i could think of was "does he even know what happened yesterday?"

[rodbei]

Its been a while

ive been pocrastinating, but thats not the point. the point is i just saw a tiktok about studying teenage brain and yk maybe i wanna do aomthing in terms off psychology, i wanted to do it when i wwas younger because it has always intrested me and always been a big part of my life in a lot of ways.

But i should properly update you on whats been going on ill try and summerize it i guesss. honestly a bit confused i forget, really easily i mean that i swhy i started this blog uhh well i've gotton closer to my boarding school freind i cant remember if i gave him a name so his name is just possum now which is really obvios if someoner ever finds this blog but oh well. weve been watching horror movies since its oktober, some really got ones a couple bad ones its been fun. i also met up with my partners freinds in one of his freinds horder moms apartmen... it was rly gross but an intresing experience they figured out we were gay... also no shit my bf cant keep his hands of me when were drunk.

Did try smoking again, but thats only on what 3 times in a year so I NOT A SMOKER waaaaaa, i do it in the lana del ray way and not in the vapingg in the school bathroom way ok... i dont know if that makes it better. i also made a school assaignment the moment after it was due but i amde it rly good and thecnically delivered on the right day just acouple hours late which isss like slay? i guess

most intresting thing was a met up with some OH SHIT YEAH AND MY BIKE GOT FIXED which is a blessiing like omg i love my bike my one true love. its been getting esier to live at home slowly thank god but ist lonely, i miss my brother and siblings most of hte time i also come from boarding school so yeah very very lonely still dont speak with my roomate and my only freind is red.

but yeah yeah met up with some boarding school freinds, to just explain i have 2 groups of freinds one is my first roomate wich is basically non nerdy animation freinds, and the other is my nerdy animation freinds including my partner and possum and some other taht im to lazy to make alias for but yeah i had a party with no nerdy ones it was.. alright bit akward only 5 ppl dident know the host that well and got drunk and tired rly fast so we went to bed a 12 and i got REALLY invested in pitch perfect like INSANLY i also smoked and was sober enough to feel it for once... and my first rooate saw me smoke and she was to first person who gave a hsit and that kinda put it into perspektive that smoking is actually a bad idea no shit.

But yeah bc they are non nerdy and quite neuro typical i can never help feeling left out or looked doqn on in that freind group like i know they properly dont look down on me but keeping contact with them is haaardd, oh and i dressed up like a skeletonn and i slayed but i was the only on proper dressed up even if it was just face paint.

anyway after the party i made my way to the capitol and home to my mom and now im chilling.

i had some very profound intresting tought sto deal with u in the shower but i forgor

00:37 Tuesday 15/10 2024 two days to my childhoods bestfreinds birthday.

oh and also im going to a huge party next weekend with my childhood freinds gonna be intresting. ALSO HAPPY AUTUMN BREAK

song of today: into the Unknown from over the garden wall

ive been carving pumkins

[the-smiling-grinner]

hey uh dont read this 👍 TW vent

okay so basically everything has gone to shit. lets get a lil back story here

so ill be 17 soon (terrifying) and it will be almost 4 years sober of everything and i could not be more miserable. when i was 12 i abused perscription medication during the 2020 lockdown and in the process got into other things (cigs and alchol).

i dont really think that anyone understands how deep it goes. i mean think about it, a 12 yearold already suffering from halucinations, delusions and other things. on two kinds of anti psychotics, drinking, smoking and taking way to many pills. its pretty messed up.

my parents had never been the best but a brain tumour caused my mother to become abusive. i dont remember much of 2020-2021 bc i was either high, drunk, in a psychotic episode or sometimes all three. but i remember some things and the things i do remember are bad. it got so bad that i barely knew what was going on half the time.

safe to say my appearence was less than ideal. i wore a covid face mask constantly. even when you stopped having to at school. and i still wear it. simply bc i know people will make fun of me for it more than they already do if i take it off. as much as i want to stop wearing it, i know i cant.

my hair was dyed black and greasy, my achne was bad and my teeth were messed up. i was over weight, then under weight, then over weight again. i was hidious. evey photo taken of me, i looked through the camera. i had nothing left behind my eyes. i was so close to giving up entirely.

my mother had her brain tumour removed and my life was starting to take shape again. thats when she came in. she was beautiful in every way. i hated her but i loved her all the same. she caused me so much pain but it felt great.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. to date her. but i soon deacovered that she was not like she seemed. in many ways ill not describe. she ripped me appart, absolutly gutted me from the inside. i developed FND (look it up i cant be bothered explaining). my life was starting to go down hill again. i felt sick constantly. my halucinations were terrible and my mental state was even worse. i had sezures and headaches every day.

then we broke up. it was drawn out and long but to leave it all behind was freeing. i felt free for the first time in months. then she back stabbed me. i wont say what happend but this is the reason i can not trust people. my paranoia is through the roof. i constantly think about how everyone is conspiring against me and that they arent really my friends.

anyway. enough about her.

i am lonely and i fear that i will always feel this way. i have friends and a boyfriend yes but they also have friends. my halucinations icolate me. i behave agressively and erratically. nothing as bad as 2021 and 2020 but still bad.

i dont know what to do so i throw myself into school. its all i really do anymore. that and pretend i have friends. i sit at the kitchen bench and speak to no one. i have many friends there. i can act how i want and they like it. i have no one to talk to about this.

i try to talk to God but i feel bad burdening him with it like i am with everyone else. i dont feel good enough for God or any one for that matter.

im nothing like the pretty Christian girls on tiktok who look so pure and sweet. the look so kind. true women of God. i am not. i try to be but it never works out. i look scruffy, my hair is always messed up, i wear weird clothes, im rude, i cuss way too much and im just not a very nice person to be around.

i want to be tho. more than anything i want to be kind. i want to be good enough. and it doesnt even seem like im trying.

i really want cigs and alchaol. to medicate like i did all those years ago but i cant. sinning every day with small things is bad enough but those are worse.

i do my best in school and thats enough. it makes me feel like enough. im good at school. im good at it. im not good at many things but im good in school. i got dux in two subjects last year and finished top 10% of my grade. thats enough right?

every day i feel my sanity slowly slipping away. being replaced by paranoia and horrible halcinatoins. i tell myself that ill never get as bad as i was back then but deep down, i want it. bc this time, people would see it. they would know how bad it is and how my jokes are just a cry for help.

i have been put on more medication as of recently and im scaired. i dont know what it will do to me. will it kill me? will it make me put on weight? who knows. ive already had bulimia i dont need it again.

on top of this, im loosing my best friend. i can see how much they suffer. i can see how bad it is for them. they have made heaps of new friends recently and i am so happy for them but we so rarely talk now. when we do, its great. we used to see eachother every weekend, now we dont. i ask first to hang out and i feel bad, like im forcing them. i dont want to force them.

there was more i could have done for them that night. if it wasnt for those drugs. those fucking drugs. the dugs that i took to take me away from everything. to make me happy. but i wasnt happy. i was insane. i was deranged. surely anyone who looked at me could see it. that night i ripped out 4 teeth. one of them was an adult tooth. a mf adult tooth. i tore out a tooth. i was 13 by then.

i have to make my parents happy and when i dont i feel bad. i want to make my dad happy and go to his house but i hate that house. i want to make my mum happy but it always ends in an argument. i want to make my friends happy but i cant and if they can find friends to make them happy. then thats okay.

i just dont know anymore. everything is so blury. the paranoia is imence. i hate it. anyway. hope no one actually reads this.

there is SO much more but this is all for now

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

[sillygooseun]

okay so since i haven’t posted much recently, i have a lot to share bc i’m. Like That™️ :D

anyway so i work at a small newspaper stand and occasionally they’ll let me edit or write pieces for the article! anyway, the other day, i was talking to one of my coworkers (omg i sound so adult) about hair dye/styles, and how different hairstyle/hair color means you’re often treated differently. (basically this post here) and our editor happened to walk by and here some of what i was saying, and he goes “Hey, you’re really passionate about that. I like it! Write this down, because even if it doesn’t make it into the paper, I want it in my office.” so of course i was all like “Okay! I’ll get right to it then!” so anyway i just thought that since i shared that post i wanted to also share what i wrote (it didn’t end up in the paper, but he actually pinned it on his wall!!! i’m so so proud!)

WARNING IT IS REALLY LONG SO DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ THROUGH A LONG ARTICLE!!!

Hair dye. One of the many wonders of our world. You can look the way you want, because you have the power to choose. I’ve always loved the idea of dyeing my hair, and I’ve been dyeing it since i was 13 years old. Something that I’ve learned along the way is that people tend to treat you differently based on your hair color. A lot of people like to say the phrase “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Except for the fact that a lot of the time, the people saying this are only saying it for their benefit. It is an intrinsically human behaviour to judge and feel judged. Now, you may be reading this going “Well, that’s only some people, because I would never judge anyone!” But thats where you’re wrong, and you know it. When we see other people, oftentimes our first thought is something bad. For example; “She should get a nose job,” or “That color does not look good on her.” We all judge people, even if we don’t realise it, because we live in a society where it’s normal to do so. But if you don’t think judging people is a horrible thing to do, I’m sure you’re going to be convinced by the end of this article.

I’ve been pushed around all my life. By bigger, older people, by boys, by girls, by adults. And I’ve never felt as though it was a bad thing, because I was told that every kid my age goes through it. But when I found out this wasn’t true, I was furious. Rage can feel different sometimes, and this time it felt like betrayal. It also felt sad, and cruel. I couldn’t help but think, “Why didn’t they just tell me? Why didn’t they do anything?” I know now that they couldn’t. Or, perhaps “wouldn’t” is a better choice of word. When I found out that I was being pushed around more than others, I felt out of place, and unnatural. A month after I had turned 13, I decided to dye my hair a bright purple color. I was treated 10 times worse than I had been with my natural, brunette hair. So I continued to dye my hair every color under the sun, when I realised that it was useless. At 14, I dyed my hair platinum blonde. I was treated better than I was before. My hair grew out, and I kept it blonde until I was 16. I felt more confident, less unsure of who I am, or where my place was. But everyone seemed to put me in this box. My male teachers started dumbing down subjects for me when I asked a question. Boys at school (whom I’ve known for years) started telling me I couldn’t play football with them. I was told that I “dont even know who that is” when wearing a sports jersey. I got tired of being talked to as if I’m stupid and worthless.

My mom is someone who I’ve always been close to, always looked up to. My mom has red hair, and when I was 16, I dyed my hair the same shade as hers. As you should know, girls are a little more matured at 16. Well, a 16 year old with red hair is apparently a target for older men. I was stared at by men twice my age at the gas station, the grocery store, and I was suddenly more liked by boys at school. At the time I had thought it was a normal thing, that all girls go through this. When I was talking to my friend about it I realised this was something that wasn’t happening to her. I was confused, and angry with myself for not realising. I let the red fade out of my hair, and gave it some time to go back to its natural color.

My hair healed from the chemicals in the hair dye. I was not treated as bad as I was with colored hair, not talked to as dumb as I was with blonde hair, and not sexualised the way I was with red hair. I could simply be, and that was enough for a while. Until I got bored of being normal, and dyed it again. I was called “an attention seeker” by classmates, friends, and even family. I’ve learned now to ignore them, because even though my hair is different, I’m not. I want anyone with dyed hair to know that you are still you. Unless you’re not. Some people are changing and some aren’t, and that’s okay! I’m 17 now, with green hair, and suddenly I’m “cool” and “edgy.” I don’t care what people think I am, because I know who I am. And I hope that you, dear reader, can also someday know what it’s like to know who you are.

[heeracha]

## sneaking out. — p. jay

content/warning(s): bf!jay x f!reader, hubby!jay in the end with a daughter. daughter's in legal age. swearing (i think ? i just kinda assume now that i did swear bcs hey thats what i do), a bit of lying. basically, things you do when you sneak out lmAO anyway yeah, unproof read ofc

wc: 1.4k

note: heeracha comeback era ig ??? and not less than 24 hrs she ghosts again /j,,, and omg wow ??? its not a hee fic ???? gasps,,, anyway,, uh,,, this is kinda shit, but i got this idea and it somehowjust seriously fits jay. anyway, hope u enjoy this little something something here <3

“honey, you know we adore jay with our whole hearts.” your mom says and you know it right away, she’s not going to let you go on a date. “but we have to go to your aunt’s tomorrow for your nephew’s birthday. she’s really looking forward to this.”

“i’ll wake up early, i promise, mom.” you say and she frowns. “i’m always on time!”

“you know that’s a lie, you’re always the last one and always late.” your dad butts in as he helps you and your mom with the dishes. “just one night, honey, okay? you’re always with him. even when it was your cousin’s wedding, it felt like you two were the one getting married.”

you frown and they smile at you. “we have to leave at 5 am. you know how traffic it is.” your mom says.

“and 25 years of being married and always going there, dad still can’t memorize the way there.” you mumble and your mom laughs, hitting her hip with yours. when you’re done with the dishes, you go upstairs after saying good night to your parents. you take your phone out, texting your boyfriend.

hey, wait for me outside the window?

jay <3: youre not allowed to go?

no,, but yk how i am

jay <3: yup i do.

jay <3: if ur parents get mad at me, istg, y/n

you always say that, did we ever get caught?

jay <3: ,,,,,,,,no

jay <3: still, im scared

jay <3: and yk it’s okay if u dont go out with me tonight

jay <3: we can do it the other day

that’s what you always say, but you get pouty and sad like a five year old

jay <3: can you blame me?

im ready, r u there?

jay <3: yup

after putting your covers and blanket over the pillows acting as your body, you lock the door and go to the window, opening it. you wave at jay, who’s hiding behind the bush. he waves back, going closer and you climb out, closing the window as jay waits for you. he holds you by your waist, putting you down and he looks at you, frowning.

“one of these days, you have to actually obey your parents.” jay says and you kiss his pouty lips.

“they never told me to not sneak out.” you say, holding his hand as you two walk wherever your feet could take you. 

the two of you end up going for a drive, watching the stars and talk about the most random shit ever as if you two weren’t going to talk later that same day. jay was a nervous wreck about you two getting caught and your parents getting mad at him, but whenever you told him you should go home, he’d go whiny and tell you that you two will go home after an hour.

eventually, jay takes you home. turning the ignition off and getting out of the car. jay goes to you as you climb out, holding your hand as he pushes the door close. he locks it, walking you to your house, since he parked a block away.

four in the morning. wow.

“see, we didn’t get caught.” you say and jay chuckles, kissing your cheek. “i’ll see you next week? sunoo’s birthday.”

“okay. text me later when you arrive?” jay says and you nod. “i love you.”

“i love you, too.” you say. “even though you almost shit your pants at the thought of my parents getting mad at you.”

jay shakes his head, chuckling. “i can’t have them disapproving of our relationship.” he says and you smile. “go, sleep. you need to rest.”

“thank you, love.” you softly say. “i’ll call you tomorrow.”

“i’ll wait for you.” he says and you climb up your window, getting inside your room. you wave at jay before closing the window and he smiles. jay goes back to his car, climbing in and sending you a text before driving home.

jay <3: good night (morning lmao), beautiful. i love you.

you smile, putting your phone down as you lay on your bed, closing your eyes as you let your slumber take you in with a smile on your face, remembering the night you had with jay. even dreaming about it.

but it’s taken away when your phone rings.

you sit up, grabbing your phone and answering it. you look at your side, seeing jay sleeping peacefully with his arms loosely around your waist. you press the phone against your ear. “hello?” you softly say, not wanting to wake up your sleeping husband.

many years after, you and jay got married, started a family just like you two always planned after graduating college and being in a stable place in your careers. 

“mom?” your daughter says. “can you pick me up?”

“i thought you were going to stay over there?” you ask, slowly getting out of bed and replacing your body with your pillow in jay’s arms. you took some clothes, going to the bathroom to change in. 

“yeah, but they invited people over that i don’t know and i’m kind of uncomfortable.” she says and you hum.

“alright, where will i pick you up?” you ask.

after your daughter tells you the location, you drive right away. you wait for her to get in the car and when she does, you say nothing and simply stare at her. she stares back and you chuckle. “what did your dad tell you?” you ask.

“not to go out.” she answers.

“and what did you do?” you ask.

“he didn’t say i’m not allowed to sneak out.” she says and you shrug.

she is your daughter.

“you’re not telling dad, are you?” she asks and you chuckle.

“tell your dad?” you repeat.

“mom, please?” she says, pouting. “i promise, i won’t do it again. and i told you that i was going.”

“of course, i’m not telling your dad.” you say. “if i tell your dad, he’s going to know i picked you up and i knew about you sneaking out. we’ll both be dead.” you say and your daughter covers her face, chuckling. “does your head hurt?”

“a little.” she says. “i drank a little bit.”

you hum. “it’s only five in the morning,” you say. “we’ll go home at seven. we’ll go get coffee, get you sobered up. when we get home, you tell your dad that we went out for breakfast and when he asks why isn’t he with us, you say because he was still asleep. okay?”

“okay.” she says. “you know so much about how to sneak out.”

“i did it a lot back then.” you say as you drive away, going to the nearest coffee shop. just like planned, time was spent sobering your daughter up and getting the smell of alcohol out of her. when clock strikes seven, you come back home, pulling up in the garage as you two go out and get inside the house.

when you close the door, just in time, jay, who is still in his pajamas, comes out of the kitchen with his hands in his pocket. “where were you two?” he asks and your daughter looks at you. you only nod towards jay, gesturing to her to go and greet him.

“breakfast.” she says and you look at your husband, smiling. “i got up early and mom was here, too. so i asked her to have breakfast with me outside.” she lies through her teeth.

jay nods. “were your friends sad that you didn’t get to go last night?” he asks and you daughter shakes her head.

“i’m always out with them, so it was fine.” she says and jay nods. “i got you some breakfast. i feel bad for not waking you up to join us.” she says, holding out a paper bag of food for him.

jay smiles, nodding as he takes it. “thank you, sweetheart,” he says.

“it’s nothing,” she softly says. “i’m gonna go to my room. i’m feeling sleepy again.” she says and jay nods. she comes towards jay, kissing his cheek. “morning, dad.”

“morning. sleep well.” he says and your daughter sprints to her room, looking at you with a smile. when you two hear the door close, jay chuckles. “she really is your daughter.” he says, shaking his head as he turns around to go back inside the kitchen.

you laugh. “how did you know?” you ask, following him.

jay smiles, opening the bag as he eats. “who always helped you sneak?” he asks and you smile. “she’s using your tactics, you’re using mine.” jay says and you laugh. “i’d be mad, but you bought me breakfast, so thanks.”

you shake your head, chuckling. “i love you.” you say and jay only smiles.

“i love you, too.” 

— august 24, 2022. heeracha.

[moxxis-bar]

I think something platonic with the Calypsos would be cool! Maybe you all became friends on the ECHOnet as kids before they started streaming?

Internet Friends

Platonic Calypso Twins x Gender Neutral Reader

I’m so sorry it took me forever to write this! I’m a dummy who’s bad at time management. It wasn’t specified if this was a oneshot or headcanons, so I just wrote a oneshot, but I liked how this turned out so I might come back and write another part for this. I don’t remember if the Calypsos had access to the ECHOnet as kids since it’s been a minute since I’ve played through Borderlands 3, but we’re just going to assume they did lol

Content: Platonic fic, takes place before the events of Borderlands 3

SPOILER WARNING! Slight spoilers for Borderlands 3 and the Calypso Twins’ backstories.

Your phone couldn’t seem to stop vibrating because of the sudden influx of messages from two of your internet friends, a set of twins who looked to the ECHOnet to save them from the boredom of their lives, at least, that’s what they told you. You spent an amount of your time online, talking to them about everything there was to talk about, and they kept in touch with you often, creating a group chat between the three of you to talk in.

‘hey’

‘hey’

‘hey’

‘heyyyyyyyyy’

‘u should get online’

‘nd settle a fight between me n troy’

‘bc this idiot thinks pineapple belongs on pizza’

Tyreen blew up your Echo Device as she often did, desperate to get your attention. The heavy hand unit never seemed to stop buzzing, even as you picked it up, only now you were being bombarded by both twins.

‘ty is a LIAR’ 

‘that is NOT what we were fighting abt’

‘and my pizza opinions have NOTHING to do with this’

‘I SWEAR SHES LYING’

‘plz get on’

‘i need another voice of reason’

This was a very common occurrence, you can’t even begin to count the number of times you’ve been dragged into their weird arguments with absolutely zero context, but it was always fun to watch how passionate they were about these weird disagreements. Ready to join in and get some context, you typed into the group chat you shared with the twins.

‘whats this abt troy liking pineapple on pizza?’

It only took a few seconds for Troy to respond, Tyreen following shortly after.

'‘THATS NOT WHAT I SAID TY IS LYING TO YOU’

‘nuh uh he totally said that’

‘did not’

‘ok he basically said that’

‘basically and totally arent the same thing’

The conversation was taken over by Troy and Tyreen again until you typed back.

‘wait ok so what did troy say?’

‘all i said was that pineapple on pizza can still be valid if you dont like it’

Tyreen was quick to respond, excited by what she assumed was an admission from Troy.

‘y’know who would say that? people who like pineapple on pizza’

‘I NEVER SAID I LIKE IT I JUST SAID ITS VALID’

‘HOW IS IT VALID???? IT’S AN ABOMINATION TO PIZZA’

‘LISTEN SOME PEOPLE JUST LIKE A BIT OF SWEETNESS TO THEIR PIZZA’

‘ARE YOU SEEING THIS (Y/N)??? IM TELLING YOU HE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA’

The chat continued to be flooded with messages of Tyreen accusing Troy of liking pineapple on pizza, while Troy tried his best to explain himself, though you weren’t really sure if he was desperate to make Tyreen believe him, or if he was actually hiding the possibility of him liking pineapple on pizza. The world may never know.

‘whenever we meet up we gotta get troy some pineapple pizza and settle this’

‘YESSS THATS SUCH A GOOD IDEA’

Tyreen typed back excitedly, loving the suggestion, much to Troy’s chagrin you assumed.

‘im not eating pineapple on pizza for you weirdos’

‘besides’

‘even if i would’

‘its not like dad would ever let us go see you’

‘he definitely wouldn’t let you come see us either’

‘not like you could find us anyhow’

Oh. That’s right. You’d nearly forgotten. They’d mentioned before that their dad refused to let them go out. Something about him being super protective of them. Well, even if it wasn’t possible, it was a fun idea to imagine, spending actual, in-person, time with the twins. You would be able to see them face-to-face and fulfill all the other weird plans that stemmed from the strange but fun conversations you had with the twins. They’d told you that it was unrealistic to ever actually see each other, but you still held on to that slight hope that maybe one day you’d be able to finally meet them.

Tyreen texted back.

‘ugh thats right’

‘mannnn’

‘its not like he can actually keep us here all our lives’

‘even if he tried’

‘he won’t be able to stop us >:)’

‘we’ll be so sneaky nd run away’

‘and then we’ll come see u’

‘waddya think troy?’

‘i guess…’

‘but i do wanna see (y/n)’

Tyreen was often playful when she talked with you and Troy, but you wondered if any part of her was serious about that. About running away from her father with Troy. Your thoughts were interrupted as your ECHO device vibrated once again, this time a message from Troy.

‘OH UR NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHAT TYREEN DID LAST NIGHT’

‘SO SHE GOT UP LAST NIGHT CAUSE SHE GOT HUNGRY’

‘AND’

‘TROY DON’T YOU DARE FINISH THAT STORY’