#like she hits a few times but out of all 31 of those fucking songs…maybe 10 of them are actually good

[placeinthisworld]

the more i listen to ttpdta in it’s entirety, the more and more obvious it becomes that she was trying so hard to find that same energy as folklore but it just wasn’t working….which is why she kept writing more and more 🫠

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, MAY 31, 1998 All I had today was a few chicken wings and some graham crackers, so I’ll soon be having a baked potato. I’m still 122. Been here a little too long now, so hopefully it’ll move on down to 120 soon and stay there for a week.

I forgot to mention earlier that I definitely heard packing sounds before the freeloader left this morning. It was banging around packing something for a good 10-15 minutes or so. My vibes don’t say it’s going anywhere, though.

SATURDAY, MAY 30, 1998 I’m doing laundry now and making a CD. Or hoping to, anyway. It’s hit or miss. I made one CD successfully and now I’m working on another.

It’s getting pretty hot out there and oh my God! As I knew there’d be, to make up for last summer’s low bee count, there are tons of bees! One after another come to the pool for drinks. They’re like flies too, where they’re so fucking brave. They’re not the least bit scared to badger something that’s hundreds of times their size.

El Cocko left early today at 9 AM. One thing I don’t get about our little fucks - if the dog’s really gone cuz she got caught with it and wasn’t supposed to have it, and if he’s not supposed to be there, why is it that she can hide him, but not the dog? Guess they found the dog’s shit in the yard and carport. El cocko may flush his shit away, but haven’t they been inside the house enough to see his stuff? Maybe the teenage boy is supposed to be there, too, and they just assume his shit’s the boy’s shit. Both freeloaders are about the same size.

I don’t have a bad vibe for this weekend, but you never know. They have a way of springing shit on me when I least expect it, and this heat’s gonna stir them up at some point.

I hung a few of Tom’s shirts outside. I figured the heat out there could do a better job than our little dryer.

Blackie’s still in and out. We shared chicken wings earlier.

I’m still exercising daily, but I’m mainly focusing on target toning, rather than aerobics. I’m gonna have Tom bring over our treadmill that’s been at Ma’s for a while. I’ll put it in the music room and maybe I’ll walk to some of my custom-made CDs.

Playing CDs while I’m writing or doing something other than rocking or singing, is gonna be great, cuz I won’t have to program out the songs I dislike. All tracks will be stuff I like.

Later…

Oh, I’m so sick of this hit-or-miss shit! Every other CD’s a bust. I don’t mind it taking time to make CDs, but if there’s gonna be a problem with every other CD, then I don’t want to bother.

If I continue making CDs, I wasn’t gonna edit Linda and Gloria’s older stuff. Just the newer stuff where I don’t like many songs on their albums. Tom also suggested I make a singing CD of the songs I like to sing. That’s a damn good idea, but like I said, I don’t know if I’m gonna bother if the thing won’t record the shit the way I tell it to.

So, our little bitch next door filed her taxes with H & R Block, huh? Got a letter for her here saying they wanted to teach her how to file others’ taxes now that she’s filed her own with them. So, Joely, gonna go to school this summer?

Anyway, all we got for mail today was her mail. Guess our illiterate mailman felt we had to get something in the mail.

Later…

Tom got a pool cover. It was a bitch to get on, but the reason he didn’t get a reel, is cuz we want to see how well it works first. The reel costs more than the cover, but if the cover works well enough, we’ll invest in a reel.

I’m taking a break from making CDs for a while till Tom can get a more reliable setup created.

I knew those fucking freeloaders wouldn’t stay quiet forever. I knew it was just a matter of time. Oh, those fucking mother-fucking freeloaders! Do you know how hard it is to keep my promise to Tom and to restrain myself from going over there and setting them straight!? It wasn’t El Cocko’s gray car, but the company’s getting testy again. They want to see how far they can push me every few months. First an aqua-colored car came in and it sat with the music blaring for 2-3 minutes, then left. All I saw was some tall freeloader, but they all looked the same. So I couldn’t say if it was Mike, teeny-bop, or someone else. I was seriously considering going after them once and for all, but then it left. Who knows how often this car will be by?

Then about an hour later, in a pearl-colored van, out popped Miss Bitch herself. This van stayed parked there for about 10 minutes. Its music was at a soft, reasonable volume.

Do these fucks have any cars or know anyone with any cars that do not have stereos that are all bass and no music? And do they have or know anyone with a less-than-average car? Again, someone over there must have a job connected to cars and car stereos. All the cars are nice, and they all have the same fucking stereos.

I must admit that this bitch looked the best I’d ever seen her (she came out of the van with a stroller) and she’s one of the best-looking mothers I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if it’s drug-induced thinness or what, but she has a great figure. She may have an ugly face and she may not be able to talk or spell, but she’s got a great body. She also had her hair done nice, too, for once. Instead of having it up, she had it down to about the middle of her back. Also, I wish my last name was something like hers, instead of my geeky name.

Anyway, if they go back to their old shit and if I hear them on a regular basis, they’re gonna be dealing with me. That I promise.

They’re like spiders to me. Every time I find a spider, I got the willies for a while. With them, every time they act up, I’m stressed out for a while. I know this isn’t it and I know that if the company banged in, then so will Mr. Fuck.

FRIDAY, MAY 29, 1998 Tomorrow’s Paula’s birthday. She’ll be 31. I made and sent her a birthday card. Using a glossy coated paper, the card came out great. I hope she likes it.

I’m hoping that Melanie will call me any time now to remind me of the appointment I could never forget.

I woke up at 120 pounds right on the nose! Good, cuz I crept up to 123 pounds yesterday.

It’s getting closer to being how it should be weather-wise, but it’s still been quite mild for this time of year. It’s to be 97º today and tomorrow. We’ll have our first 3-digit temp on Sunday of 100º.

At 7:15 I heard music at a so-so volume. I ran to see who it was but never saw anyone. The freeloader usually leaves at 7:30, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if that were him. Getting pushy and testy, huh? Well, I’m not going to be harassed by a houseful of freeloaders. That much is for sure. Especially when some of them aren’t even supposed to be there, so if we go back to our old shit here of them desperately seeking my attention, I’ll push for eviction and risk retaliation on their part.

Yesterday, Tom brought home a couple of pictures. One was of mom and her sister Neva from Michigan. They do look like sisters. Another picture was of Ma and Neva with Cindy and Mary.

Later…

Melanie just called. We only spoke for a minute, but I let her know that tooth has finally come down some more.

THURSDAY, MAY 28, 1998 Burning away and making CDs! It’s fun but boring. We got some CDs that are blue on the writable side and silver on the other. We got some that are green on the writable side and gold on the other. He also got a CD label maker, but I doubt I’ll use it. It’s not worth the hassle.

Tom’s gonna try again to pick up a pool cover today. He tried yesterday, but they were all sold out.

In my parents’ email to me, they said cousins Boo and Max were coming down for a week, so if I wanted to leave them a message, do it here. So I sent them a quick hello and asked Boo how she got her nickname. Why would they be going down for a week at this time of year, though?

Although very soft, I heard that freeloader’s music this morning and I better not hear it any louder, or else in goes another city letter (if I can restrain myself from killing him). If the city letters are only good for a few months at a time, fine. Every time it acts up, it gets a complaint sent in.

Later…

Ma says Boo and Max send their love and that Boo got her nickname from a long-ago uncle.

El Cocko has been quiet. Maybe it’s not in yet. Don’t know for sure.

I’m making my last CD for the day. So far, we’ve been having lots of trouble with copying tapes. The CDs are coming along OK for the most part, but there were some screw-ups. One song got recorded twice, and twice I ended up with the wrong track. So I went and CD’d two songs I didn’t care to have on CD.

My allergies “seem” better since upping my nasal spray dosage. Remember, though, things seem to work for me in the beginning.

Gotta step up the action on the weight loss. It’s great to have gotten down to 122-123, but I don’t want to stay here too long. Time to take it down some more.

I’ve been leaving Tweety outside when it’s not too hot. He really likes it out there. He’s quiet now cuz the sun’s gone down, but in the daytime boy is he chirping up a storm!

Blackie’s still very loving and affectionate. He’s in and out all day.

Still no pool cover yet.

Tom’s old car failed emissions.

Mary’s got plumbing problems, David’s got computer problems.

I haven’t been able to tell yet if the freeloaders have changed their security bulb. No, they haven’t. It just came in and no light went on. It made a quiet entrance. Just one door.

Blackie’s watching Velvet now.

Bunny’s in a good mood and the other two cats just don’t get it. They still hang out back here as if they get all the love, attention, and food in the world from me.

Well, I guess there are not so many yards that are safe enough. They’d be hard-pressed to find a dogless yard in Arizona.

The dog vibe I had had in regard to the beautiful freeloaders has faded. God, I hope that they don’t get another dog! I thank God for every second that that yard is dog-free. If there were a dog there right now, it’d be nothing but yip, yip, yip! It’d be anything but peaceful. I know this is purely a dream, but if these freeloaders could stay as quiet as they have been, then yes, I’d love for them to be our neighbors till we move. I’ll keep dreaming while I can, though, cuz all good things must come to an end.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27, 1998 Tom should be in any second now. He’s gonna get more recordable CDs and he mentioned picking up a pool cover, too.

I just dipped my feet in the pool and spa. The spa may be something I could immerse myself in, but I don’t know about the pool. I’d have to be really desperate. The spa’s always warmer by a few degrees cuz it’s so much smaller than the pool.

I’m still usually weighing around 122, but I’m psyched to finally have my waist down to 29½ and my legs are now under 23. Still got a way to go, though.

The freeloaders never took in their recycle bin from yesterday. I’m sure they’re still there, though, so I guess they’re just lazy.

I talked to Andy. So far, his new job’s going well, but he’ll quit or get fired. I know him.

Got a thank you card from Jen (now that I know she spells that with two Ns) thanking us for thinking of her and for sending her the confirmation card. She also enclosed a picture I’ve seen before of Larry Jr. and one of her. I would never have known it was her, either! She looks like she’s in her early 20s and truthfully, I wouldn’t have recognized her if she fell on me.

We screwed yesterday and he didn’t cum as usual, but it was much better for me. I used the vibrator before he got on top. This helped to get me off easier. It pisses me the fuck off, but I still get irritation down there. Sometimes it gets bad enough that it bleeds. But we hardly ever screw, I said to Tom, and he said that maybe that was why. Just like with the braces. Cuz the braces are there full-time my mouth has toughened up to them. Well, we can’t have full-time sex, nor would I want full-time sex. Too much of anything, be it good or bad, gets to be a drag after a while.

I asked Tom if he’d be upset at my saying no to any procedures to fix me if that were possible since he swears he does want a kid. He said that he couldn’t tell me for sure how he’d feel, but going by past experience, he’d accept me as I am. Just like he accepts my ear, my hyperness, etc. Oh, I’m sure he can get by just fine with our never having a kid.

You know it’s funny, cuz here I am not only blaming others for mine and Lisa’s problems, but I even have my bouts of self-blame, too. I feel like I started this arm-cutting cycle and that somehow, some way, Lisa got it from me. I know this isn’t true, but sometimes I can’t help but feel that way and feel that if I had been a normal enough kid, so to speak, maybe I wouldn’t have had to deal with all the funny farms, foster homes, schools, and pills to begin with. Again, though, I know it was my folks who copped out on me. Maybe I was a bit different as a kid, but I wasn’t a bad kid. I didn’t hurt anyone, and I wouldn’t have hurt myself if they weren’t so negative. They just didn’t want to deal with me, but when they did, they didn’t usually do so well at it. In a sense, they were victims too, besides perpetrators. They only knew what they were taught growing up. They trusted the professionals without knowing they were quacks waiting to brainwash us.

So, this is the last journal that I’ll be writing by hand, then I’ll just be typing them into the computer and I probably won’t bother to print them out. I’m not sure what my new system will be like. Maybe I’ll have monthly files or two months per file.

TUESDAY, MAY 26, 1998 Gosh, it feels like I haven’t written in weeks! That’s cuz I’ve been so busy burning CDs. When I say “burning” that’s cuz that’s what lasers do. Been burning myself too, but one thing at a time here.

Tammy called and we ended up having a pleasant talk, believe it or not. She told me she was never pissed off at me. She just needed space and time to deal with Lisa. Fortunately, Sarah and Becky didn’t get beaten. Just Lisa did cuz Lisa’s not naturally his. I swear that all guys are the same. If they don’t beat or molest their kids, they ignore them. Lisa, though, is having suicidal thoughts and is in therapy along with Tammy to deal with the beatings, but even so, this poor girl’s gonna be affected by this for the rest of her life. She’s never gonna forget it. And what further burns me up is that Bill’s allowed visitation rights. This guy should be killed, but if he can’t be, he should be locked up and have no rights to the girls. Oh, how I’d love 5 minutes alone with that boy! And leave it to my folks to tell me not to judge until I know both sides of the story after I expressed my opinion about Bill to them. Yeah, they ought to love Bill. They all have common ground. They all believe it’s right to hit kids. Well, I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to doubt my niece or sister when they say Bill was violent.

I asked Tammy how she could stay with him as long as she did if she hadn’t been happy for years and since the beatings have gone on for years. Her answer is totally baffling to me. She said she felt it was her fault. How can any mother think it’s her fault that some sick fuck hits her kid? As I told her, she’s not responsible for others’ actions.

Well, at least she’s making it and trying to improve her life and the kids’ lives. I could never make it alone with one kid, let alone with three.

Tammy’s also understandably hurt and angry with Mom for playing favorites. Yes, Mom’s always been into favorites. Sometimes it’ll be Larry she adores, then me, then Tammy, etc.

She says she’s through with Mom and Dad and had tried to call Mom on Mother’s Day, but Mom wouldn’t go to the phone.

She says that Larry told her that if Lisa has any more problems, she won’t be hearing the last of him. What’s he gonna do? Have Lisa taken away? I don’t think so. It’s next to impossible to take a kid from their mother, even if kids have more rights nowadays like they do. Anyway, Tammy’s pissed at Larry for saying she’s a shitty mom when he was a shitty dad. Larry may have a great sense of humor and he may not have beaten or abused his kids emotionally and verbally, but he was never home and was a slut and a half. He even admitted this to me and that’s why he got off the road and into business.

Tammy says Lisa’s upset over Jen’s freedom, which I can understand. I mean, I’d be a bit envious too at her age. Yeah, Lisa’s bitching about Tammy’s rules cuz she sees how at 10:30 on a school night Jen’s running around the neighborhood with no rules or restrictions.

Later…

I finally got to talk to Lisa for the first time in quite a while. She was in Natchaug Hospital for a while. The same place they took me. She hated it there and says it makes her “feel good” to cut her arms like she did. I tried to tell her that there are other ways to feel good and that when she gets that upset she should remember our promises to each other and go listen to music, talk to someone, and do anything but harm herself. Her anger is at her father, not her arm. Her arm didn’t do anything to her. I also told her that things do get better even when we don’t see how they ever could. It’s her arm and her life, but hopefully, she’ll get better and do what’s right. She swears she isn’t smoking, either.

There’s something I don’t get about Paula. If the state took Robert away feeling he was abused, neglected, and molested, then what’s Justin still with her for? Wouldn’t the state feel he was in danger, too? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s such a screwy system. So screwy, that I think it must be deliberately designed that way. If you ask me, though, if a parent fucks up with one kid, they’re gonna fuck up with the others. If she can’t mother one kid, she can’t mother any kids, and if they take one kid away, they should take them all.

See, this is why I’ve come to be so glad I can never have a kid and I wonder how I could’ve wanted one in the first place. Just to go through what my parents did and what Tammy’s going through? No thanks! But I was bummed out yesterday over God’s taking away my right to choose. I know God did the right thing and is just looking out for me. He wouldn’t let me get into anything I couldn’t handle and that’s fine, but what burns me up is that these fucking assholes never tested the DES and these quack shrinks, who were so obsessed with controlling me, never thought about my future, and all the while God sat back and allowed my body to be used as a guinea pig. He let it happen. He let them use me as a toy to be programmed to suit other people’s standards of “normal.” All cuz I was too hyper, wanted the attention my parents wouldn’t give me, and had far-out dreams of becoming a singer.

Later…

As I told Tom, I’m a very curious person who likes to know how things work or why they don’t work, and it’s my right to know what’s wrong with my plumbing if they can tell me. So when I’m 35 I’m gonna go find out. Then later, he told me 35 was too long and that when I turn 34, that’d be a good time to go to a doctor. Oh right! Like he really would go?! That’s what he said months ago, and he’s never gone to a doctor yet. So, I told him I’m not stupid. I know that when I’m 34 he’ll make more excuses to put it off even longer cuz he doesn’t really want a kid. Fine. He doesn’t have to go to a doctor. Not now or ever. I just want to go, with or without his support, with or without his going too, to find out what’s wrong with me. That’s all. I don’t want a kid. I don’t want to make a big deal of it.

His actions just don’t go with his words. They really don’t. We screwed around Sunday, which was boring, but at least he got in there, and he said for the thousandth time how he wants more sex. Yet yesterday he didn’t touch me. He could’ve found the time, but nope. So, even if I’m hardly ever horny and even if I’d rather take care of myself, I hate it when he says one thing and does another. To me, it’s all the same as lying.

Out of curiosity, I asked him how he could not want to go to a doctor if he wants a kid and knows something’s wrong with me. Doesn’t he think it’s best to try to fix something that he thinks can be fixed (he thinks I can be fixed, but I know I can’t be)? He thinks yes, it’s best to try to fix something he thinks can be fixed, but not that instant. Yeah, I know, he likes to put off things for years. Especially things he’s afraid of and doesn’t really want to deal with or change. So now that makes two of us. Now we’re on common ground. We both don’t want a child.

Speaking of kids and how much I hate them in general, excluding those related to me, of course, Tom said he was mean to the neighborhood kids yesterday. He said they were kids he’d never seen before and that he just can’t understand playing in the street. There were a few kids playing ball in the street that ended up playing in our driveway. Right in our fucking driveway! Such rude, bold, brazen fucks! What if our front door was open? Would they just waltz right in and play in our living room? Use our bathroom? Eat whatever was in the kitchen? I’m sure they would! So Tom went out and told them to go play in someone else’s driveway. Good for him!

Anyway, it was a miraculously quiet weekend. I couldn’t believe it!

Mama bitch, who went from being fat one day to smaller the next, wizened up and had her kittens elsewhere. So I’ll be seeing them once they get a little older.

I’m now the smallest I’ve been since peaking at 128! I’m down a couple of inches all around and woke up at 120½!! And I had had a setback, too, where I almost jumped back up to that famous 124. Well, I know it’s a bit fast, but if losing weight the wrong way is the right way for me, so be it. I’m still exercising and firming things up even if it’s not much yet and Tom says my craters have smoothed out, too. I’m also amazed at how regular I’ve been since not eating as much. It’s nice to see the old me slowly, but surely emerging. And what’s neat is that I’m charting my progress. When I lost all that weight when I was 19, I didn’t document it, cuz I wasn’t writing journals back then.

My allergies have been a nightmare! They were so bad yesterday that I thought I had a cold. I was tight and wheezy and had sneezing fit after sneezing fit. Nothing’s really changed since quitting smoking but our financial situation and my weight. I still have ridges in my nails, dry skin, etc. If I had known that I’d have times where my lungs still felt like they smoked, and if I had known I’d get so big, and that not much would change for the better by quitting smoking, I would never have bothered to quit and put myself through those 4 months of hell.

So far, I’ve got 4 music CDs made, one edit CD, and 6 killed. Yeah, I fucked up a few times and got the songs out of cinch. I’d get the last half of a song and the first half of the next song, all on one track. It’s so cool, though, and although it’s time-consuming, it’s totally awesome to have the edits on CD! Can’t wait to surprise Andy with it, but I’m afraid he’ll ask me to make a whole shitload of CDs for him, but no way!

SUNDAY, MAY 24, 1998 Woke up again at 122 pounds. This is the longest I’ve stayed under 124, but I’ve still got a long way to go. If I can ever get there! I practically have to eat just barely enough to stay alive for the rest of my life if I want to be thinner. I was right as to my theory about why crunches and certain exercises won’t take to me. They won’t work, said a fitness expert on TV, till you lose the fat. Yes, just like I figured, I have to get some of this fat out of the way by dropping pounds by not eating much and by doing cardiovascular workouts before they’ll start to work.

Guarding Blackie against the others getting his food has never been easier. This is cuz he now eats inside. He wants to be indoors more and more and I let him in when I’m around to watch him to make sure he doesn’t trash anything or harm the mice. We even got a disposable litter box.

So will the freeloaders pitch their fits today, tomorrow, or Monday? I think it’ll be mostly Monday that they’ll make total fools of themselves. In a sense, I’m sort of embarrassed for these sick fucks. Don’t they know what complete asses they make of themselves? I mean, hey! I’m not impressed. Not with your car, not with your bass, not with nothing, you sick freeloaders!

Later…

The bitch is back, and no, the bitch hasn’t had her kittens yet.

Before I get into the project that Tom and I are gonna work on when he gets up which is sort of an illegal operation, Paula called a couple of hours ago. She’s the same old Paula, but it was great hearing from her since she doesn’t call me as often as Andy does and would like to. She’s got restricted service now and was using a phone card. She cracked me up, as she usually does. She sounded more uppity, too, and even laughed more herself. She said Disability has got her listed as a paranoid skitzo which only comes out when she’s depressed or upset. I was shocked and said, “You mean you have multiple personalities?” Then she said she couldn’t sleep. Whatever. She’s what I call a “funny ditz.”

She beat up yet another girl and put her in the hospital and got arrested. I’m probably one of the only ones she would look out for. She could be rip-shitting mad at me and she wouldn’t touch me, but she could be somewhat pissed at someone else and deck them.

She said she had a friend who died of AIDS, who gave her her furniture, and she thinks her spirit’s in her place.

She has no rights to Robert, her older boy, till he’s 18, cuz she was accused of molesting him. Paula says his father did that. I believe her.

Her Jewish friend is going to “church,” if she died, her ghost would look out for me, diet pills screwed her up, she cut her hair off short cuz she got pissed off at some guy, and sent a letter to me with pictures of her and Justin that I never got. She said she’s been having problems with the mail there. Or maybe our lovely mailman gave someone else her letter and pictures.

We jumped from subject to subject so fast, that I can’t remember every little thing we talked about. I should take notes when she calls!

Later…

Damn! Is Tom ever gonna get up? Half my day’s already gone. I’ve been up since midnight and he was already asleep. He’s had at least 8 hours of sleep, so I hope he gets up soon, cuz I want to begin making CDs. Yes, you heard right. We got blank CDs and the equipment to copy CDs, tapes, whatever. Just think - the edits on CD! Yippee! And I’m gonna edit my CDs. I have so many CDs where there are just one or two songs on them I like. Now I can condense all my CDs.

FRIDAY, MAY 22, 1998 Well, I’m not losing weight all that fast after all. I’m still around 122-123, and this is the longest I’ve held it down there, too. I’ve also been lucky with not being so constipated. They say exercising helps that, too. Guess so.

Yesterday I had much more stamina than I’ve had in a while. I felt like my old self bopping to that aerobics show. Yes, you can see I’ve lost weight everywhere and I do feel better, but I’ve still got a long way to go. Tom feels I don’t need to lose weight or reduce in size; just increase in fitness. Well, I certainly want to do all of the above. So, I shall take it as far as God will allow me to.

Speaking of God, and speaking of our beautiful neighbors, I know God, I know the freeloaders. It’s inevitable, I mean, I just know this weekend’s gonna be hell. God always makes me pay for everything. Even the little, simpler things in life that no one should have to pay for - peace and quiet within their own homes. I also know that not only are these freeloaders capable of lying low for 3 days in a row, but that they’ll use this holiday weekend as the perfect excuse to torment me. Most of their sick buddies will be coming to them, cuz they have a house. Most of these sick fucks live in apartments. I can already tell you what’s gonna happen. Hell, it’s like a script already written out, just waiting to be played out. There’ll be about 4-6 cars, each will blast in and out. Mr. Fuck himself will bang in and out at least 5 times. The bitch and other adults will probably talk so loud you’d think they were all severely hard of hearing if you didn’t know any better. The little animal will be squealing away and zipping up and down the carport in its little car it peddles around. And to top it all off, there’ll be 8-10 kids playing ball for hours.

Yeah? What goes around comes around, you mother-fucking freeloaders!

Later…

Another hour and a half and we’ll see how el cocko leaves. There was no music yesterday that I know of, but he sure slammed that door real fucking hard.

I did the puzzle I got in one day, and now Mom can have it.

Later…

I never heard the freeloader leave. Maybe it left while I was listening to music or maybe it’s still there.

THURSDAY, MAY 21, 1998 Just thought I’d update till Andy calls.

We’re almost at this dreaded 3-day weekend. As I told Tom, maybe I can get out of the party I’ll be forcefully invited to and made to be a part of by going to his ma’s house. I still have to vacuum like I told her I would. There’ll be parties there, too, down in Mexico, but it’s different when you know those people aren’t deliberately trying to bother me and piss me off.

These freeloaders are so fucked, though. They don’t give a shit what I think of their music and they don’t give a shit that it bothers me (although there hasn’t been any yet), but they do give a shit what I think of them. They give a shit that they make sure I know that they’re just as good as whites. They give a shit that I acknowledge and notice their existence.

Evie’s back. Yes, she left me a message a few days ago, so now I’m sure I’ll have the long, daily messages all about boring shit I can’t relate to, but I’ll live.

Later…

Andy called back but was too tired to talk.

I’m going to have a TV dinner, cuz my legs feel a bit weak. You know, that rubbery kind of feeling. Then I’ll cover what we got yesterday.

Later…

OK, if eating doesn’t help, I’ll see if an Ibuprofen will help the achy muscles in my legs.

We went to Tower Records yesterday, but they had a shitty selection. Still, I got a Cars CD, the Judds, Olivia Newton-John, and Juice Newton. There are still others of Olivia and the Judds I’d like to have, and there’s The Dream Academy, Nicolette Larson, and one of Linda’s I hope to find, too.

We also went to OSCO Drugstore where we got a puzzle, mace, a lotto ticket, wax, and a toothbrush since I just dropped the second one down the sink.

We went to the pet store for supplies, too. Guinea pigs must not sell as well out west. They almost never have baby GPs. All I ever see are older ones. We got sawdust, alfalfa, and nibble sticks for everyone, and the mice got a new toy. A colorful little “spaceship” by a brand called Critter Trail. They suck, though, cuz it was really hard to assemble this thing. Their parts are too tight. Anyway, all this thing is, is a little dome-like thing with a ledge they can sleep on. I put some food in it for them. They have houses, wooden burrows, and all kinds of cute things for them to sleep in. The only trouble is, is that the aquarium only has so much space. I also got a bright, colorful ball for Blackie. It’s a soft ball and it’s big enough so it won’t roll under the gate or the old easy chair that’s out there.

This mace I got was bullshit. It’s a combination of tear gas and pepper and it’s useless on cats. Cats move much quicker than humans. Also, it ran out after just a few shots. Well, the new feeding arrangement has worked so far on getting rid of mama bitch, but not White Paws. Unless the bitch is only gone cuz she finally wised up and had her kittens elsewhere. Great. Now I’ll have to deal with all those, too, when they can get into this yard. They can’t be too far away.

Later…

I just realized something about the freeloaders. There is a way I can get an idea of what’s to come this weekend. He usually tells me a “change” is coming, so to speak, by playing his music louder than usual. A day or so before there’s gonna be a party or he’s gonna split for a few days, he gets loud. So I’ll report in if there’s anything he tries to tell me. My biggest worry, even bigger than dealing with their shit, is restraining myself. How could I keep from going over there, beating the shit out of them, and ending up in jail for either assault or murder if I got carried away? I just hope God, who knows my temper, will keep them off my ass like they have been, for all of our sakes. Besides, I would think that these sick fucks would want to hang onto a place to live and not have all kinds of city complaints and risk eviction.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20, 1998 I forgot to mention that the weekend was another miraculously quiet one from next door as far as we both know. God’s really gonna compensate me for all this quiet time! I can promise you that this Memorial Day weekend will be a whole different story. There’s no way they’ll sit still and be quiet for 3 whole days.

Yesterday I called to thank Mom for the new AC/heat pump. She laughed when I said I wish it could be December or January just for a week so I can test out and enjoy the heat coming out normally, instead of through shitty wall heaters and portable heaters.

Just 12 more days till I see Melanie and this time, she should be seeing less of me.

The day before yesterday I had a TV dinner and that was it. Yesterday I weighed 123½ and had some grapes, graham crackers, and popcorn. Today I weigh 122 and I had grapes and graham crackers and will later have some potatoes and probably something else, too. I took a dump today, so that’s good. Been drinking lots of water and coffee and taking my vitamins. Still exercising as much as I can too, but again, if you looked at me and were told I’ve been exercising for a month, you wouldn’t believe it. Tom said to wait till I’ve been doing aerobics for a month. We’ll see.

I know I’m losing weight too fast and that this is the wrong way to lose weight, but it’s the only thing that’s been right for me and that’s worked. I’m amazed at how well I’ve been doing. No constant severe hunger, but I was tired yesterday. Today I feel fine. I don’t feel weak or tired, and I will eat a little more today. I certainly don’t want to get sick. I still don’t know how far down I can drop my weight and for how long, but we’ll see.

Later…

The two vibrators came yesterday. There was also a porno tape. I’ll let Tom watch that. I’ve never been one for watching people fuck. Anyway, I used one of the vibrators and came in less than 60 seconds. I wish I could do that with Tom.

TUESDAY, MAY 19, 1998 There goes Caddy Kid who I’ve only seen once in the last couple of weeks or so. What? Are we back to blasting by 3 times a day? We’ll have to see what happens when school lets out, but this may be no high schoolboy. It could be a 22-year-old going to a job for all I know.

Paula left a message saying she doesn’t have a phone. Yeah, I knew it was just a matter of time before the ditz lost her phone. And yet she gets close to $1000 a month between her and that kid.

Got another package yesterday that was pretty much useless to me. All it had in it was a blanket, a few throw rugs, and a couple of knickknacks.

Believe it or not, I haven’t had anything but a few grapes, water, coffee, and vitamins in close to 24 hours. I haven’t shit today and am gonna get my period anytime now, so I’m all watered down, but so far, not so good. I haven’t weighed myself yet, but I feel like I haven’t lost a pound. It’s hard, but I have to do this. It’s the only way I’m gonna know if something’s wrong. Also, I thought about it and asked myself if I wanted to be thin again if I could, and be hungry all the time, or not be hungry and be fat. I decided that if I could get thin again by eating barely a bite a day, yes, I’d rather deal with the hunger. It’d be worth it. However, it looks like what my gut initially told me, is true. I think that if I don’t eat, it’ll keep me where I’m at, but if I go back to eating, I’ll eventually keep gaining weight. There is no “right” way to lose weight. At least not for me there isn’t. Starving’s all that’s ever worked for me, but like I said before, I don’t know if the weight loss would keep accelerating like before, once I started eating again. Eventually, I’m gonna have to have a little more than grapes, cuz this isn’t worth dying over either. Well, we’ll see, but I still think it’s now in my nature to be heavy and if that’s so, I’m not gonna put up with all this hunger just to stay big. If there’s no significant change in another day or so, I’m just gonna eat what I want and never worry about that or my weight again. I don’t know if I’ll exercise, though. Again, it doesn’t really do much for me, but maybe I’ll do it just to say I’m doing it.

The new AC/heat pump is now installed. I was right about the times. They came two hours late, and 3 hours’ worth of work, my ass. A freeloader came right before 8:00 and forklifted the AC off his truck and put it by the garage. At 8:30, two guys came and began prepping for the new AC by ripping apart the old one. It sure sent down a lot of dust through the vents (fortunately I didn’t have another attack, but we’re back to the 4-hour wake-up calls) and it sure sounded like they were gonna come right through the roof at some points. At noon, the crane came, and it was cool! First he pulled out some extensions to brace his truck from tipping over from the weight of the crane/AC, then he picked up the old one and set it down (someone came later to pick it up for scraps), then he brought up the new 500-pound AC and using hand signals, they put it in its place. Then they took an hour lunch and didn’t leave till 2:30. So they were two hours late and were here for 6 hours, but it was well worth it, and we survived.

The only bummer to them being here was that they made all that noise and not a damn soul next door was there to hear it. I guess this was a Monday that no one was there, cuz no one came to take the recycle bin back up. Well, it wouldn’t have disrupted their day anyway. They like noise.

It’s gonna be another erratic period for me. Yesterday I had spots for a handful of hours and since then, nothing.

Later…

I sat outside at the table and wrote for a little while. Although cloudy, it’s getting pretty warm out there, so I just came in. Tweety was out there singing till it got warm. He likes to go out and sing in the mornings. He’s a strange bird.

I left Andy a message asking how his new job’s going. He started yesterday. Hopefully, he won’t be a little slut with his coworkers and customers this time! Not a slut. I mean a flirt. He should get a job doing phone sex. That’d be the perfect job for him. He loves phones and next to talking about music and people he knows, he loves to talk about sex.

I’ll also have to ask Andy why Laura wanted my number. She called me (I thought it was him) and she said she hit the last number redial by mistake and got me. She assumed I was someone else calling, she said. After, I thought about it, and what she said made no sense. Couldn’t she just check her messages and see it was me who just called? She called me right after I called there. So I put 2 and 2 together and that tells me that she wanted my number. I should’ve thought to block my number when calling there, but didn’t.

MONDAY, MAY 18, 1998 I’m kind of heavy-headed and groggy right now, but I thought I’d record some thoughts, anyway.

Amazingly, I haven’t heard from Evie, who’s been back from CA for a while now. Is she just busy? Or does she feel I’m too distant and don’t want to bother with her? Is there something else? Well, I won’t contact her unless she contacts me.

Yesterday was a really shitty, frustrating, depressing day.

First, though, we ripped the portable AC out of the back room wall, since in just a few hours from now we won’t need it.

What happened to me shocked the shit out of me. It’s really fucking scary to think that as a non-smoker, I can still wake up with bad attacks. I thought those days were over. You mean, I still have to live in fear of knowing that that can happen as a non-smoker? I thought my bouts of wheezing and my allergies would be gone with the cigarettes, but I was wrong. I still have bad allergies and I wheeze a little every day. I still need my inhaler once or twice a day. Yes, I’m much better overall since quitting, but to have this reality slammed into me in an instant that this old enemy is not entirely gone really freaks me out. It happened at that cursed fourth hour of sleep and it felt like something was literally lodged in my lungs. I had a pain in between the shoulder blades. For the first time since quitting, Tom had to whack my back to help kick up all the goop that was in my lungs. I thought at first I could cough it up in just a matter of minutes. Right! It took closer to an hour to settle the fucking thing. One really can never be totally free of old enemies, can they?

Later…

I still don’t want a child these days. I know that I’d just end up more miserable than I could ever imagine and than I’ve ever been before and that it’s something I could never handle. But this man of mine still says he does. Then why the excuses? He won’t go to a doctor and doesn’t think I should right now, either. But just last month he said I should do something and see a doctor. I’m tired of this man jerking me around, saying one thing then another, and playing on my emotions with this issue. He says we shouldn’t go to a doctor till we have full-time sex. Even if we could have full-time sex and even if we both wanted that, that’s irrelevant. What’s that got to do with my being sterile? We don’t need to prove to ourselves any more that I’m sterile. We both know it. He said he feels there’s a 95% chance I’m sterile. And I know I am. My gut instinct and woman’s intuition have always told me that, but despite his lame excuses and his games, lies, and the way he jerks me around, God made me how I am for a reason. It’s for a reason. He wanted me this way for a reason and if he feels I should be sterile, so do I.

I would love to know what’s wrong with me. I’m curious to know what it is. Is it my eggs? My uterus? But I’m afraid I won’t have his support. He told me months ago that not only would he make an appointment for himself, but that I should do something about my situation, rather than bitch about it. And now I come to find out that he wants us to screw up a storm first? Fuck that shit! And how he wants me to be tolerant of how he is in bed. So in other words, he wants me to just let him do what he wants to do in bed, and put off going to a doctor for as long as possible, if not forever, right? After getting nowhere with this man year after year as far as finding out what’s wrong with me, I guess I can count on the fact that I’ll never know the cause of my fertility problem. All I can ever know is that there is a problem. But did the DES do it? Did the years of different medications do it? What did it? I know God did it, but what method did he use to ensure my sterility?

What with how I’ve always been cursed with sex, and what with this sterility, like it or not, something up there surely has a beef against my womanhood and sexuality. Something’s really wanted to twist and toy with that and boy has it succeeded!

SUNDAY, MAY 17, 1998 Tom and I talked more after last night’s bullshit. I got the same old sob story and excuses. He tried to convince me that things aren’t always the way they appear. He said people do tend to get obsessed with believing certain things about people that they see these things in their actions and sometimes they’re not really there. He has a point, but there’s no way I could be that stupid and that wrong about his playing games in bed and about his fearing a child and not wanting that. I don’t know if he knows his true fears and what he really wants, though.

I just know that the more he wants something, the more he puts forth the effort to achieve it. He still claims he wants a kid. Then why has he shown the same lack of desire for sex as I have? Why hasn’t he gone to a doctor? He still swears he wants full-time sex and that we will have full-time sex. How many more years would it have taken for him to see that by his own will and by God’s will and by fate’s will, there’s no way in hell we could ever have had a full-time sex life if we tried? He’s got too many conditions on him as far as sex goes, and our schedules clash a lot. And the excuses he made in bed year after year just got way too old and too obvious too, as far as I’m concerned.

What’s his latest excuse for not going to a doctor? He says he didn’t see any point in going till we had this full-time sex we never could’ve had. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me when he decided this, he said he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea and think it was cuz I wasn’t good enough. Sorry, bad excuse. Say we did miraculously have full-time sex for a while, there’d only be a new excuse. Then he’d find some other reason to put off going to a doctor.

Then he had the nerve to tell me that our sex “didn’t count” till he was able to get on top. It never counts for him. Before he got on top, he said that it “didn’t count” till we were sleeping in the same room. Nothing ever counts for him. Eventually, his getting on top will never count. Well, I hate to tell you this, Tom, but that was a whole two years ago. It’s been two years since you got up top.

He’s the only one I’ve ever heard of who got hard and didn’t cum, then got hard and sometimes came. What normal, red-blooded man does that? One who’s scared of cumming, obviously. All I’ve ever heard of was guys who get hard and cum regularly or those who can’t get an erection. They can’t cum cuz they can’t get hard enough to in the first place. But any man who can get hard can get off. He got hard nearly every time we got together. Last night was one of those nights, though, where he just wasn’t into it and wouldn’t admit it. I got him rock hard by hand, but then when he went to go in there, he got soft. I just couldn’t guide him in there. He was too soft. We went through this twice before I’d finally had enough. I don’t know if it’s to cover his doing this when I was mid-cycle, or if it was cuz of me, but I’ve just had all I can take.

Just cuz I no longer want a child doesn’t mean that I’m not pissed off by the what-ifs. What if I still wanted a child and what if God would’ve allowed me a child, but not without paying for it and working for it by way of a doctor? I wouldn’t have stood a chance in hell with this husband of mine who’s got his head buried so deep in the sand. Who would’ve lied, manipulated, and conned us out of that child. So, even though having a child is no longer a dream of mine, I don’t feel like it’s a dream God and God alone stole, but I feel that he stole it, too. The only way we’d have had a microscopic shot at a child would’ve been through either adoption or a sperm donor if I was miraculously fixed by the doctors. The sperm donor would’ve been more likely since adoption rules are so strict. It’s no wonder there’s a huge waiting list for adoption and it’s no wonder there are so many kids waiting to be adopted. Yes, the world’s full of unwanted children, but they’re asking for the kind of parents/people that are one in millions. Most people aren’t rich, but they mostly want doctors and lawyers. Fuck the secretaries and homemakers. I still say I’d have given them bad vibes, too, and made them wary of allowing us a child. And also, I’d have been judged by my past.

What I’d like to know, God and Tom, is how many more years did you expect me to put up with this shit? Another 5 years? More? Well, my emotions have been strung out to the max with this sex shit.

Fuck sex! Just fucking fuck sex! I’m so sick of being hexed sexually. Anytime I’ve had sex, there’s always a problem. Brenda and Kacey wanted it 24/7. The guys I was with for more than one night all had their little problems. I mean, they were fucking freaks. Maybe they couldn’t help it and maybe I’m being mean and insensitive, but one had a weenie that was practically invisible, one had premature ejaculation, and this one’s so scared it doesn’t cum 98% of the time. If I had been straight all along, God, how many other freaky dicks would you have sent my way? Well, I’m tired of wacky and abnormal sex and it’s been way overdue that I empty the garbage. My way is that if I can’t fix a problem, I throw it in the trash if I can. Kind of like a defective object. If I can’t fix it, or it’s not worth it, I dump it. I couldn’t say to my cigarettes when they first started to give me problems, “You’re a problem, so out you go,” for 15 years, but I eventually took the old trash out and dumped the garbage. It took me 4 months to take out the trash and dump the NHA, and other garbage. Now it’s time to empty this very full garbage can and throw away the sex for good. I cannot stand it anymore. Whether or not I wanted sex and a child tomorrow, I will never again subject myself to God and Tom’s pain and humiliation. Never will I beg my husband for full-time, normal sex and have my emotions toyed with while he knowingly, unknowingly, or both, plays his games with me. Never will I hopelessly fight him year after year for a child just to see him lie and con his way out of that while God watches on and refuses to help me help myself or to help us. Sex can’t be a problem for me if it doesn’t exist. When couples have fights, they should do whatever they can to remove the source of the fighting. I just did.

Later…

I was right. I haven’t been able to shit yet today and I doubt I will and I’m up 5 pounds. 5 fucking pounds in one day! Once again, I’d have to starve completely to lose weight or maybe eat a bite a day and I don’t want to live like that. I can’t lose weight. I won’t lose weight. Period. Once again, got a problem? Get rid of the problem if you can, and in my case, I can quit trying to force my body to be what it can never be, and get on with my life.

SATURDAY, MAY 16, 1998 That fucking freak of a husband of mine! Oh, I’ve had it! This is it. If he wants sex ever again in his life, he has to do it with someone else. He has to decide whether or not he’s willing to spend his life with me without touching me. I’m sick of his sex games and his trying to pin his problems on me. I’m not responsible for his fears and denial. I don’t know anymore if it’s games, a legit problem that’s out of his control, me, or what. But the point is, he has been a problem with sex since day one and I’m sick of it. I can’t take another 5 years of this shit. I was horny all night and I waited for him to take care of me and he can’t even do that. He’s had his head in the sand and has been in denial since day one. If that’s how he wants it, fine, but he’s not gonna get sex from me anymore. He can get a hooker, a coworker, anyone but me. If he had told me he had a problem up front, which he didn’t, and if he had been willing to own up to it and do something about it, that’d be different.

Later…

I don’t believe it. I actually woke up at 123 pounds. Yeah, but it’s just one of those short-lived, rare moments. I got lucky and happened to shit 4 days in a row and I slept a long time. As soon as I get backed up in shit again, I’ll be back to that famous 124 or higher.

Tom was out from noon to 6 PM today so he couldn’t confirm my bad vibe on next door. Guess there weren’t any music or ball games today, but the weekend’s not over yet.

Tom picked up a thing called Eurosealer. It seals up plastic bags like potato chips and stuff like that.

We talked about getting some type of mace or pepper spray to use on mama bitch and White Paws. Maybe that’s what it’ll take to get rid of them.

We’re also talking about getting the equipment to not only put stuff I have on audio cassette onto CDs, but that can also edit my CDs.

Speaking of CDs, we’re gonna be going out Wednesday so I can pick up some. Some of the old tapes that I’ve had for 10-15 years have had it and I want to see if I can get some of these tapes on CDs.

FRIDAY, MAY 15, 1998 God, are the weeks flying by! Once again, it seems like it was Monday yesterday. And once again, am I gonna get lucky with next door? It seems like that’d take a miracle.

Andy got a job. Still waitering, of course, at a nearby restaurant.

Later…

The kid and some white girl of the same age that probably belongs to the Lopez’s, are out zipping up and down their carport right alongside our house screaming on little tricycles. Again, it’s better than bass or having a screaming kid in your face 24/7, but this thing’s now at an age where it could become a nuisance throughout the 10-13 months we have left here (Tom thinks we’ll be out of here March of ‘99 and I say June of ‘99). Anyway, this thing’s now around 3 and it doesn’t need much supervision anymore. Well, I guess it can’t zip up and down the carport now cuz its sick fuck of a daddy just slammed in. I wonder if it was sent out for the noise Tom was making working on the door. Well, if that’s the case, wait till Monday, freeloaders! They say they’ll only be banging away for 3 hours, but I’m not stupid. I know it’ll be more like 5-6 hours and I also know that someone is there on Mondays, so it’s not gonna be peaceful for them.

THURSDAY, MAY 14, 1998 It fucking figures. I woke up at 124 cuz I barely ate yesterday which is nice, but now I can’t shit. Every one to two days I can’t shit. So now I’ll skip shitting for a day or two, then I’ll be forced back up to 127. Something just doesn’t want me losing weight and when you diet, you gotta diet for life. You can’t just diet, then reach your goal weight, then go back to eating how you were before. What I’m saying is, if I have the slightest chance in hell of losing weight, it could only be by eating just a bite a day and I don’t know if I want to live like that. It’s too hard.

Tom insisted I could do aerobics and that I should try to follow along as best I could. It’s the motion that’ll tax my heart that’ll cause my metabolism to rise and for me to lose weight. Well, I’ll do the best I can, but he’s wrong. The only way for me to lose weight is to not eat. Especially since I don’t shit out half the stuff I eat. It’s my time to be big, now.

My arms are kind of a different story than my lower body, as with most women. Yup, I’m actually like most women where our arms are stronger than our lower bodies. In just a few days after I began working my arms, I could see/feel a difference.

There’s another way to tell the two Cocoas apart. Not just by how one has a little patch of white on her belly, but one Cocoa is distinctly bigger than the other.

I have Tweety outside now and boy is he singing up a storm. I wish I could say he was annoying our now door-slamming freeloaders, but I know how much they adore noise.

The AC people are coming Monday between 6:30-7:00 AM so I’ll have to finagle them around my schedule, but doing that for one day won’t kill me. I thought it’d be a 5-hour job, but the woman who called to confirm said it’d be closer to 3 hours without any complications.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13, 1998 I have a lot to say today, but a good chunk of it’s the same old sob story.

First, though, my mother didn’t have back surgery today. Instead, she’s trying a 7-day pill pack and if this doesn’t work, then she’ll have to be put out for the needle in the spine. Guess she’s really doing everything to stall having that surgery.

It’s drizzling out there now. Blackie’s still as friendly as can be, but sometimes too friendly. He claws and gives me little love bites I don’t appreciate. Bunny still runs up to say hi and get his nose patted. And mama bitch and White Paws are still hanging around acting as if they’re a part of the clan. They’re so damn determined to be loved and fed, but it ain’t gonna happen. Sorry God, but I didn’t ask for all these cats. Blackie’s enough.

The AC people came to check the ducts and all that and check things on the roof and give us an estimate. The thing will cost $2,700. I had him thank Mom for me when he called her, and I’ll call her, too.

Tom worked on the security door, too, and I saw the bitch come in while he was working on it, but the bitch didn’t see me. No freeloaders have seen me since the freeloader’s December birthday party that I know of. They may have heard me, though. Speaking of hearing, I know they had to have heard the activity going on over here, and if Tom’s right about them giving noise if they get noise from here, then I’m sure I’ll be paid back in some way shape or form. I hope they remember that that means they have to lose sleep and they must’ve when I’d make a racket, cuz why else would God have given me trouble sleeping there for a while? Just for trying? Just for hoping to wake them up and have them get the message? Maybe, but if I’ve got to lose a little sleep, which I’m not anymore by the way, then I will.

Later…

Here we go again. Time to play the let’s-wait-on-Andy game. I told him I’d call him back after I finished working out, and where is he? Tied up on the phone. He just can’t stay off the fucking phone for a lousy 10 minutes! Well, I’m just gonna go about my routine as usual. I’m not putting my night on hold for him. And if he calls too late, too bad. He may not have a life, but I do.

Coordinated my ass! Tom said I’d have no problems doing aerobics. Well, I’ve got news for him cuz I couldn’t do one thing they did. They change routines so fast that I couldn’t keep up with them. Just when I’d get used to one move, if I was lucky, they’d be off to another move. Half the time I couldn’t even see what they were doing from the waist down, too, cuz the camera would be on their upper bodies.

I’ve been on this trying-to-lose-weight trip for too long. I should’ve followed my gut instinct when it first told me I wouldn’t and couldn’t ever be thin again. Guess there is something normal about me after all. Your average middle-aged adult is heavy and so am I. Everything’s going as I predicted. If I could lose this weight, I’d have lost it by now. It’s mine to keep, plus any more that God decides to add on. I’m his little puppet and there’s nothing I can do about it but accept it. I’ll keep doing the isolation exercises cuz they help my back to feel better, but that’s about it. I lost about an inch from the hips and waist and that’s where it stops. I’m still gaining weight and I still have a huge stomach and huge thighs. I did all I could realistically do, I lost the battle which was never mine to win in the first place, and now it’s time to move on. I’m not gonna make the same mistake I did with the woman, singing, and the kid and let something I can’t change ruin my life and drag me down. I can still live a healthy, productive life as a heavy woman.

I’ve got to stop making the mistake of getting cigarettes thinking I can go back to smoking and trying to go back to smoking. For so many years I asked myself how I could get off of those things. And last night I asked myself how could I have started in the first place. And how could I rehook myself? Well, I can’t. It’s just too gross. It tastes and smells like shit and it upsets my stomach. I don’t want my old lungs back, anyhow. I wanted my old body back. But I can’t have it. Not now. Not ever. I’m older now and being heavy is a fact of life for those who are older and who don’t smoke. So whenever that or anything else gets me down, I remind myself of the wonderful things I do have. I have a wonderful husband and life. I have great animals. Well, I wouldn’t consider two of these three cats as great, and Tweety’s not all that great, either.

Later…

I talked to Andy. All’s still the same with him, but at least he’s now trying to get a job.

Later…

Good evening, freeloaders. Yes, it just came slamming in and the security light’s still dead.

TUESDAY, MAY 12, 1998 I made Jen a confirmation card on the computer. I called her too, and she says she doesn’t know much about her confirmation, just that she’s done what she needs to do and is glad it’s over. She didn’t pay attention, she says, but she had to attend classes for two hours every Sunday for a year and do community service. It’s a silly ritual like baptizing and bar mitzvahs, etc.

I called Larry at work, but he was in a meeting.

Tom’s talked with an AC company. They’re gonna come out and give us an estimate tomorrow afternoon.

Last night really sucked. I was depressed, frustrated, and so confused. Once again, I can just accept the fact that I’ll never be thin again, I can go back to smoking, I can take laxatives, or I can stop eating. I know the signs of defeat. I know the patterns and when it’s a no-win situation. This is just like with the woman, the singing, the kid, etc. If I were smart I’d just live life as I normally would and not worry about that or what I eat and not waste my time exercising, cuz these pounds and inches aren’t going nowhere.

Tom suggested I do this half-hour program that’s on Monday - Friday that does high-energy aerobics. He says the exercises I do may shape and tone, but this will make me lose weight and have more energy. Right! Like God’s really gonna let this work for me? I don’t think so! Meanwhile, I’m doing it and giving it my all, just to show him it won’t work for me.

I finally took a shit, so now I can look forward to not doing that again till Thursday or Friday.

Later…

OK, the freeloaders should be tucked in for the night and that should be the last of the door slamming, although it’s still been mild. They’ve slammed doors much more often and much louder in the past than they have been.

The mutually sick Lopezs were a whole different story. Again, thank you God for sterilizing me! Those fucking kids, who usually don’t get on my nerves all that bad being two houses away, were screaming bloody murder, and that, of course, got the dogs going. It was a fucking circus from over there. If only they didn’t get the monkey bars and basketball hoop out back. They never used to play in back. Only up front and you couldn’t really hear them well unless you went outside, and we never sit out front. We use the backyard for whatever. Although, if they hadn’t gotten the hoop, they’d be here using the freeloaders more often.

Later…

And the kids are still screaming their heads off. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think the Ms were back, but then again, those could be heard inside the house. Well, thank God these things can’t be heard in here, and anything’s better than bass.

I could’ve sworn I saw Blackie start to screw White Paws. Why couldn’t they both have been males? Now I’ve got two cats’ worth of litters to relocate.

I’m about a week away from doing these isolation exercises and where have I gone? Up two pounds. I should be really proud of myself. I worked for it, so I earned it.

Later…

God, I’m sick of this unavailable shit! Of course, they don’t leave messages and if you do pick up on one of them, they usually hang up. What was 2-3 unavailables a day has turned into 5-6. What? First God got me back from waking up people with prank calls by taking away my sleep and now he’s bugging me with calls to make up for those that I bugged with calls? Meanwhile, Andy gets to get away with it. He never had to have his sleep stolen and he never gets all these fucking calls. Although some girl that wacko Karson knew was bugging him, and Laura’s druggie friends bug him, too, with their calls.

I also asked my mom if I had false memory syndrome, or did her mother have something to do with ballet? She said yes, she taught ballet and modern dancing for years. That’s so hard to picture. I’ve only known Nana as a big, fat, old woman. You’d never know, knowing her as I did, that she ever danced. And all the while she’d taunt me about my weight. As if she was oh so thin herself. I hated her. I loved her, but I mostly hated her. She’s a major reason for my mother being the way she’s been.

She said Papa Joe was a nice man whom she never heard anyone utter a bad word about. I had asked her to tell me more about my grandparents and great-grandparents. She said she’d discuss this with me in person, cuz I’d have questions. She said dad’s like his dad was. Then what happened to Marty? I guess we really are individuals, cuz my dad and his brother are as opposite as my dad and mom can be. Marty and I may be on stable terms right now, but this guy’s still an asshole in general. He’s insensitive, he’s aggressive, and he’s violent. Philip said he fathered a lot like my mother mothered and I believe him. I’ve seen Marty push him around, I’ve been slapped and threatened by him, so I know how he is. Both my uncles have always been one and the same.

The weather here has been unbelievable. It’s cool and a bit rainy too, which Tom says is unusual for this time of year. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear it was February or March out there and not May.

Ma got her card and reacted as I predicted. She said I was lucky I was not near her! She also said it was a clever idea that she may steal.

I looked up last Memorial Day and there was no freeloader shit. Remember, though, things were a bit different back then, so I’m sure I can count on them rounding up kids to play ball for me for a good 3 hours.

Tom swears they won’t get a dog cuz they’re not allowed to. Well, I hope he’s right, cuz she can’t be that weary of breaking rules. Not with that cock over there. It doesn’t belong and I’m sure high school boy doesn’t either. I don’t know exactly how many sickos are over there, but I’ll bet it’s only supposed to be the bitch and kid.

MONDAY, MAY 11, 1998 Wow! Tom sent off for the vibrator. It should get here in 3-4 weeks.

Got lucky again with another peaceful weekend. All I heard were some door slams. No one even played ball. I was shocked but pleased.

There’s a white car at the freeloader’s now.

Gotta do my hopeless workout later, although it may not be entirely hopeless. It’ll just have limited results and will take me forever. This may shock you, but I don’t mind keeping the 124 pounds. If I can lose inches, that’s what matters. Not what the scale says. In fact, I’d like to stay at this weight and shrink. There was once a time I weighed 115 and everyone thought I was 95 cuz I was solid.

We took the legs off of Velvet’s cage. The wooden planks we added just didn’t firm it up enough, so we set the cage on the floor and now I have the most perfect cage I ever had. It’s so much easier for cleaning and filling up with sawdust this way.

Later…

I’m making some chicken wings, but in the meantime, I thought I’d do some updating.

Ma left me a message yesterday saying she was a coward, all afraid of having to have a needle in her spine this Wednesday. They’re gonna put her out, though. This is to hopefully help the back problems she’s been having. I told her needles are nothing and not to worry, but to call me if she wanted to. So she called me up all scared and Dad and I reassured her that she’d be fine. I reminded her that when you’re having surgery, you don’t know it, cuz you’re out of it. It’s afterward and the recovery that can be a bitch. But this is a needle. Not a hole being drilled into her head. So, she just has to lay low for a day or so, but as I told her, her only concern will be being bored.

She said she’d keep me posted in her email to me and she thanked me for my support. She also said she was glad I kept music in the family. I don’t know what she meant by that one.

I also told her Tom’s got a nickname too, which is T-bone cuz he played the trombone in the Air Force. Then Ma jokingly replied saying Dad was an opera singer and she was a dancer. I asked her what kind of dancer and how much of her clothing she kept on (ha, ha).

Mom and Dad also told me that Jen’s having her confirmation so they suggested I send a card. I made one for her and I’ll be giving her, Larry, and Sandy a buzz soon.

Tom went to a banquet today and he, along with other employees from this state, New Mexico, Texas, Nevada, and California got plaques for excellent service. He also got a check for $100, a pen, and a bandanna. He doesn’t do bandannas and neither do I, so I’ll just shove it in the Andy and Laura box. I’ve got some more towels for them and some knickknacks.

In today’s package, we got a Florida panther figurine and a couple of sea otters, too. A glass rabbit candleholder that I’m using as a Q-tip holder in the bathroom, some candles, towels, a wicker serving tray, coffee, a stuffed animal, 3 T-shirts, and a few other odds and ends. One of the tees says America’s Funniest Home Videos. Ma said it was sent for Chicken, their bird, but that it was too big for him!

Once again, we’re still playing the game of waiting for a company to call that sells ACs/heat pumps. Well, we’re not paying for it. His mom is. So with God knowing we’re getting this for free, he’s gonna make us work for it in other ways.

He’s also gonna “talk her into” getting a chair that lifts you out of it if you have trouble getting up. I asked her why she’d need to be talked into something that’d help her and he said that to her, asking for help would be like giving up.

Andy is so so so lucky. I could never get this lucky, but get this - I was wondering how the hell he expected to get a job when he got around to looking after being fired more than once for sexual harassment. Well, his landlord also owns a restaurant. One he wouldn’t want to work in cuz its business is shitty. Meanwhile, the landlord said he’d vouch for Andy and say he worked for him for years. Now he has a God on his side alright! But God will never let him have love.

Later…

It fucking figures. Just when it “looks” like something will work for me, it doesn’t. I’m still constipated a lot and that’s a big factor in why my weight won’t budge. The potatoes, just like the lactose and other things, seem to work in the beginning, but then they don’t. And also, I said I didn’t mind staying at 124 pounds, not going up to 127 pounds. If I could just fucking shit regularly, maybe I would stay at 124, but I’ve only shit once or twice in the last 4 fucking days. I’m gonna have to get into laxatives here. They’re gonna make me sick, but if that’s what it’ll take to keep regular, that’s what I’ll do, but if I do get into them, I’ll have to take them every day. Or at least a few times a week, cuz that’s how often I’m stuck. Why do I always have to work for and suffer for things that are natural?

SUNDAY, MAY 10, 1998 Yes, the freeloaders did get in last night at just after 10 PM. That same silver car that was there in the morning brought them in. After a brief door-slamming spree, it left. That car was there earlier today, too.

I sent my mom a Happy Mother's Day message on AOL and she replied thanking Tom & Mystery. That's the first time she ever used my nickname/former stage name.

It's also nice that I don't feel like this is one more Mother's Day that God stole from me. I felt like that for a long time. Instead, I feel like this is one more day he gave me to live and enjoy life and my freedom.

Share to Pinterest SATURDAY, MAY 9, 1998 I never heard the freeloader return last night, but I’m sure it did.

These last two days my allergies have been a nightmare. I had to take an allergy pill for it earlier and it knocked me out cold for a couple of hours. Tom slept for a couple of hours, too, in the bed with me. Now he’s out doing errands. So much for screwing today, but I’m not in the mood, and if God wanted us screwing more often, we would be.

Tom mowed and I’m doing laundry.

Yes, my hips have definitely shrunk, but there’s still no real change elsewhere. This is a start, though. I really realize how important it is to burn the muscle. Meaning, to really feel it working. You want to work the muscle till it’s tired, or else you’re wasting your time. The hip exercises are the ones that burn me the most, so as Tom agrees, maybe that’s why they’re showing the most reduction. Sometimes an exercise you see someone else do doesn’t quite work for you as far as its positioning goes and you have to find your own position that works best for you. Well, I couldn’t quite get into a good enough position to get my left thigh to burn, but I could with the other one. I’ve found the best position now, so I can begin burning the left one, but for now, the other thigh’s a smidgen smaller. I’m gonna start burning my arms, although they certainly don’t need the toning that my lower body needs.

Tom’s doing just what I knew he’d do - stalling on ordering the vibrator. He says it’s cuz he now wants to look on the computer to see if there’s a better selection there. Well, why didn’t he think of this in the first place? I asked him if he’s sure he doesn’t have a problem with it (I’m sure some of it’s due to his wait-on-me obsession) and he says he has trouble remembering actions. I pointed out how he remembers things about me that no one, not even Andy, could remember if they were told a million times. He says he’s absent-minded with actions, not with me telling him stuff about me. I don’t know if this is an excuse or what.

My ma didn’t get her Mother’s Day card. So unless she’s lying to avoid giving me a reaction to the confetti I stuck in her card, that sucks. Tom agrees, though, that she did get that card.

Later…

Tom just got in and is now working on making Velvet’s cage sturdier. It wiggles and shakes his water out of his water bottle. So he’ll firm it up so I can give him back his bottle without having to worry about a flood. He’s now using a bowl to drink out of.

He got me a floor mat for my office. Now my chair can glide from desk to desk with ease.

Later…

It looks like our beautiful freeloaders went somewhere today, believe it or not. I haven’t heard one car door.

So much for potatoes cleaning me out. This was the second day I couldn’t shit.

Something was dead-set against me taking those diet shakes. I mean, something did not want me taking them. First the shakes made me sick, then the lactose did. I wonder why? It’s not the end of the world and it’s no biggie, but I still wonder why.

I asked Ma if she was fibbing about not getting the card. She swears she didn’t and will get it on Monday. Whatever.

Tom asked me how they met Yaz (Carl the baseball player’s nickname). Ma apparently did some work for Hillshire Farms. This was in the 80s. Hillshire does kielbasa, sausages, and shit like that. She said that Yaz, being Polish, was president and that’s how they met. She said she’s got an autographed picture of Yaz, her, and Dad together.

Later…

The freeloaders are in. I heard car doors (amazingly just a couple mild ones) and there are lights on in the living room. I also heard someone walking around on their back patio just now. At this hour? I hope it’s not to feed a dog that they brought in with them, but nah. It’d be barking its ass off. Anyway, no security light, so I’d say that yes, the bulb is burned out.

FRIDAY, MAY 8, 1998 Yuck! That dreaded weekend’s here once again. Am I gonna get lucky yet again? Or will there be more to hear than ball games?

El cocko just left on two semi-mild door slams.

I used the new squeegee that Tom bought to clean the back room windows.

My mom and I have been exchanging some fun messages. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles are both blind black singers and at one point I jokingly said that I heard she went out with Stevie Wonder on a blind date. She said no, that was with Ray Charles.

I told her it was hard to picture her at 20 years old, and she said it’s hard to picture me at her age. Yeah, that’s hard, I’ll bet.

I asked her out of curiosity what my Jewish name is. She’s hunting for it, she says.

I found a way to feed just Blackie and just Blackie only. For a while there, I’d put the food on the patio right on the cement. He’d eat what he wanted while I guarded him against the other two. Then when he was done, in came the other two to finish off his leftovers. Not anymore, though. He loves to sit on top of the recycle bin, so using a dish, that’s where I’ll feed him. He let me pick him up and put him up there today, so it’ll be no problem getting him up there even when he isn’t. As for his leftovers, I’ll take them in, put them in a baggy, and refrigerate them till later.

I’m still not sure what to do as far as my weight goes. Do I give up now? Try to fight a little longer? Stop eating? Start smoking? I just don’t know, but for now, I’m still eating sensibly and still working out. So it seems, once again, that I’ve lost an inch in the hips and waist. Tom says it’s hard to tell if the gut deflated at all. My thighs are the same, but I’ve got a plan to work them harder. Even if I have lost an inch, I know it’ll be right back. It’s like something’s been teasing me. Jerking me back and forth. Just when it looks like my measurements are gonna drop for sure (I’m still the same weight) up I go again. I still say it’s hopeless. Exercising’s never done anything for me in the past, so why should it start now? It’s just like with most things I’ve ever wanted - I fail if I don’t try, I fail if I do try.

Tom had a class to attend yesterday at work. It was all about accepting that there are all different kinds of people - Jewish, black, gay, etc. We both think it was a stupid waste of time cuz you can’t make someone like/accept people they simply don’t like.

Later…

UPS brought two packages yesterday and one today. I’ve certainly gotten more packages in 1998 alone from them than I have in all the years I’ve been on my own since late 1985.

Again there were a lot of cosmetics. I kept some, but why she’d send me ash-blond hair dye, beats me. The color chart said it’d make medium-brown hair light brown. I thought about it for a minute there but then decided against it. If I were to dye my hair, I’d go darker and not lighter. She also sent that sunless tanning lotion that irritated me and made me orange.

There were belts, a scarf Andy may want, a pretty pink/purple sequined cap, potpourri spray, colored tumblers, candles, a flashlight, an air pump, an electric bug zapper, a mini travel alarm, a little rug, a speakerphone, 8 cute little photo albums, a wicker basket, the stand that goes to this chest she sent earlier, and more.

There were fashionable sunglasses with her name on its tag from when she sold those. They were too big for me and I didn’t really like their style compared to the ones I just bought at Venice Beach, but I’ll hang onto them.

There was a nice southwestern wind chime with a cowgirl on a horse, cactuses, and bells with stars on them. There were 3 cushions that went to who knows what? I used two of them for the bench swing outside and one for Blackie to nap on. The two license plates she sent were way cool. I remember them, too. They’re their old MA plates. One says DUREEN, the other ART•DOE. There was a picture of Lisa and another small wedding picture that wasn’t too dark. Two stuffed teddy bears. One said Happy Chanukah. A string of lighted dreidels, a shower curtain (or liner that can be used if ours rips anymore), and a really cool tile board. It’s heavy, in a wooden frame, and consists of 6 tiles. Tiles just like you’d find in a bathroom. There’s a teddy bear on it, a few flowers, and a couple of hearts. You write on it with dry-erase markers. There were also some wooden tulips with a yellow ladybug in a small wooden pot that I put next to the one of wooden carnations and a red ladybug that she sent earlier. There was a Jewish troll doll. It had a Star of David on its little shirt.

My favorite thing she sent was the Brita water filter system. Oh, I love it! No more needing to buy bottled water ever again. As I’m sure I’ve said, the tap water out here is disgusting. It tastes like bleach. This thing makes it tasteless like bottled water. It’s so simple, too. You just fill the pitcher with water and its filter up top takes care of it. All you have to do is change the filter every two months.

As for the collector’s items Tom got – well, it was just what I guessed it’d be. I was telling Tom how I’d never known them to be into coin or stamp collecting and figured it had to do with sports. I told him how my dad was to be a pitcher for the Red Sox till his heart doctor said not to, and how he was friends with Carl Yaztrimski AKA Yaz. I’m sure I spelled his last name wrong, but anyway, Carl was a well-known baseball player who was around my dad’s age. It turns out I was right and Tom got a poster, a picture, and a pin of Carl. However, I was half right altogether. Mom confirmed that Dad was never a ballplayer, but he was friends with Yaz.

In today’s stuff, there was a kite that I think I’ll hang onto till we move. Better to play with it out in all that open space than have it get hung up on a tree here, or maybe the freeloader’s house. Got a picture of Nana and Pa and one of Mom with Minnie Mouse. Also, there was one of Charlotte Rome holding Becky as a baby, with Lisa at around 4 years old next to her. This may be the only picture I have of Char, a lady I always loved.

Got a beautiful denim jacket with shiny stones on it, a 1998 planner, a license plate with flamingos and palm trees that I have by the computer, and funny signs. One says: I’ve been beaten, kicked, lied to, cussed at, swindled; taken advantage of and laughed at, but the only reason I hang around this place is to see what happens next! The other says: God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I’m so far behind, I will never die.

Lastly, they sent big and mini flags. Does she realize she’s duping me? I’ve got 3 cow flags, 3 ducks, and other dupes. Anyway, there was this really cute mini flag holder where you can put 3 flags in it. I put it up in the back room.

Fuck! Just when I thought Caddy kid disappeared - it’s back. I should’ve known better.

The freeloaders parked out front so it’s not in for the night unless it’s gonna stay parked there all night like it did before.

Later…

And the freeloader is gone. I’m sure it’ll be back between 8:00 - 11:00.

THURSDAY, MAY 7, 1998 El cocko’s off to a late start this morning. It just left. Still no music yet.

Got an email from Kim today. She’s taking Spanish classes and has a test coming up.

Still keeping in touch with my folks every day.

Andy wrote on March 4, 1998, in the original handwritten journal:

Happy belated birthday my sweet angel. You are and will always be my best friend in this whole wide world. Knowing you has certainly enhanced my life. You have helped mold me into the person I am today. You bring me much laughter and joy and wisdom. I love you more than words on paper could ever express. It’s been a long time since I talked to you or even spoke to you. Several of them knew which way to drown in sorrow, but I lived my life under rocks. Xena said that even though know no one taught her about how to dress. She still plays with butterflies and fireflies in the outback. Stevie has a boxset and Lamaris has a train set and I’m Stevie’s sister-in-law and she doesn’t know anyone named Lisa…

Later…

I asked my parents where they lived before the house they had in Springfield before moving to Longmeadow and if I was an accident due to Tammy being 8 years older. I told her I wouldn’t be hurt or offended since most of us aren’t planned. I guess it really does take years to conceive usually. There are usually at least two years or several more in between siblings. In her reply, in mainly small letters, she wrote:

Married in 1951…1st apartment dad in service…2nd apartment in 1952…built willowbrook 1953…married at 19 and dad 20. Larry born 1954…tam born 1957…you born 1964…accident, I don’t think so or I would have aborted…built Berkeley Dr. while pregnant with you 1964…moved to Birchwood around 1977-8.

Then I reminded her I was born in 1965 and not 1964.

Also, I thought they didn’t legalize abortions/birth control until the 70s. I suppose there were ways around that, though.

Lastly, I thought we moved from Berkeley Dr. to Birchwood Ave. in ‘79 or ‘80, but I guess she’d know better if she said it was ‘77 or ‘78.

Later…

Mama Bitch is pregnant again. God, you’re such a screwball creating all these waste products!!

I hear some banging now that I swore was the freeloaders, but their security light’s not on. So unless the bulb’s burned out, it can’t be them.

Later…

Just a couple more journals, then I’ll be setting up a whole new system on the computer. I don’t know if I’ll bother printing anything out, though. I may do monthly files, I don’t know yet. I’ll probably still use plain, easy-to-read fonts, too. I may use my last journal, 160, which is Winnie the Pooh, for a special project. I thought I’d use that for cover info, dates, entry dates, etc. I still have blank pages in 77. Don’t know what I’ll do with them. Maybe use them for letters, but who knows?

They put Tom on a screwy schedule this week. He didn’t go in till 4 AM this morning, then he got off at 10ish. At 3 PM he left for some class that’s to run till 11:30 which he says is a waste of time. Supposedly, they had a meeting to stop jerking him around with so much overtime, but I still say they’ll keep fucking with his hours, along with God’s help. They got him at an average of 50 or more hours a week. I’ll bet that’s why they offer stock to their employees. Gotta do something to hang onto employees you’re gonna fuck around. I kind of like the space, though, nowadays, but they can really run him ragged and not leave him much time for other things.

I made a comment about us getting together this weekend when it’s safe for a real woman. He claims he was in the mood every day.

Right!

Then he goes on the defensive when confronted with the truth of what he’s really doing, and tries to pin things on me. If I tell him he’s controlling things, he says I’m the one that’s controlling things. Hell, if I told him he had blond hair, he’d say I did. Why’s it gotta be so damn hard for him to use his voice to match his actions and to come out and say, “Jodi, I don’t want a kid. I fear it happening cuz I’m not as convinced as you are that you’re sterile and that’s why I make sure there’s no time during mid-cycle for sex or that I just don’t go in there for the most part.”

Then we could sit down and discuss either birth control, or preferably, avoiding mid-cycle sex. And it’s obvious too, that he’s not just putting off seeing a doctor cuz he doesn’t like seeing doctors like most of us don’t, but to use it to his advantage. I’m sure he hopes that his at least “appearing” afraid of doctors will help to keep me a bit wary of the idea of us seeing a doctor together. Well, he has nothing to worry about.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 6, 1998 Still the same weight and size. Just a little longer, then I’m gonna just hang it up. The only way I could lose weight would be to stop eating. Then when I began eating again, the weight wouldn’t keep coming off like when I was 19. It’d come right back on. I’m not gonna live my life like most women do. I can tell you that right now. I’m not gonna live trying to lose weight I could never lose. It’s not natural for your average adult, especially a middle-aged or older one, to be thin.

Bob did get the manila envelope of journal excerpts OK. He hates his cellmate who’s in for child porn (how lovely) and that’s it. Same old from him.

I’m surprised to say that there haven’t been any calls or mail from Tammy. She usually goes right on the defensive when she’s confronted in one way or another with something she doesn’t like. Maybe she’s just embarrassed to be caught lying. Tammy’s always underestimated me in certain ways, so maybe she was shocked and ashamed to be caught on so many lies by her little sister. Of course, some of them are just so obvious from the get-go. I know her style and what she would and wouldn’t lie about or twist around and hype up. I don’t give a shit how much my sister denies wishing she could sing. She does. And she knows I can sing and it makes her jealous, so she figures that it’d make me jealous if she made up some bogus break for Lisa on Broadway (she doesn’t realize I no longer want to sing professionally). Same with Sarah’s hot modeling career. You think she wasn’t jealous that her sister was once a thin model? Think again, cuz she was (although you wouldn’t know it by looking at me now). Well, no one can help her and her jealousy but her, and I’m not about to hold back and watch what I say to someone for fear of making them jealous. We all have our jealousies at times, but people’s lives still have to go on.

I turned down Tom’s offer for sex yesterday. I just don’t want to have sex with this man anymore. Period. But I’ll feel guilty as hell, even if I’m sure he can live without it if I don’t touch him at all. So, I’m gonna do what I can do to avoid mid-cycle sex with him cuz I don’t need his games. As long as he’s not gonna come out and tell the truth, I’m not gonna play games in the meantime. We both don’t want a child, but as long as only one of us can admit that, that’s tough shit.

TUESDAY, MAY 5, 1998 Gonna put the pictures of my parents’ place into photo albums later.

I just got done working out and vacuuming. I also changed the stupid bird’s cage, and now it’s time to update.

I’m halfway through my 30-day thing where I’m supposed to have the foundation built for getting smaller. So where am I so far? Right where I began. Maybe even a pound heavier. My inches may have slipped back to what they were when I began the program, but we’ll see. If there’s no significant change in two weeks, and especially in 4 weeks, then something’s wrong. Maybe then I can really suspect my thyroid’s out of whack, but if it were, I bet God wouldn’t allow it to show up on any doctor’s test, so I can’t treat it and therefore, can’t do shit about it.

Our beautiful freeloaders are still unusually quiet. Their last childish, negative attention-getting outburst was on Easter. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s cuz of the city letters or cuz they’ve finally come to realize that their dishing shit ain’t worth being dished shit right back. Maybe I really did wake them up, they put 2 and 2 together and decided they wanted to sleep. Maybe that’s really why God’s been waking me up (to compensate), although yesterday I slept right through. Usually, though, I wake up for a while 4-6 hours after I crash. Maybe I woke up other neighbors, but not them. Who knows? Well, whatever it is that’s shut them up, I know it won’t last forever. They’re bound to get desperate to act up and make a scene again in due time. Hopefully though, if they’ve just got to do something, they’ll use the kids and not music or dogs, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if another dog came anytime now. I doubt it’ll be theirs, though, and that’s the good side of it. I’m sure it’ll be a dog they’ll just borrow from someone on account of me, but that it’ll be gone in a few months, cuz they’re not allowed to have dogs.

I never thought I’d have to throw a guinea pig on a diet, as rodents are supposed to be a little chunked out, but this is overkill. I never had one this fat. He got way bigger than both of us thought he’d get. He’s so fat he can’t even touch the ground with his foot cuz he can’t get it over his fat belly! So I’m cutting out the extras. No more graham crackers, peanuts, popcorn, or stuff like that. Just lettuce, carrots, and pellets.

Typical, typical game-playing Tom. The thing about it is that it didn’t get me as angry as it used to. In the past, I’d be so mad and so frustrated, but I’m just so damn used to his games and lies, and a child just doesn’t mean what it used to mean to me. A good 75% - 80% of the time, I don’t even want a child. Thank God! Anyway, he used one of his old and very familiar tactics (he just “couldn’t” get inside) and then boldly tried to lie his way out of it. Sorry, Tom. It’s too obvious. It’s just too damn obvious you’re scared shitless, and you didn’t want to get in there. How can someone try to lie their way out of something so obvious? How can he underestimate my brain and even think for a millisecond that I’d buy his excuses and lies? It’d be like me trying to tell people I’m tall, thin, blond, with brown eyes and dark skin. Not short, pudgy, brunette, with green eyes and fair skin.

Then he went on insisting he wanted to continue on, but I put a stop to it right then and there. And truthfully, I just couldn’t get in the mood, as usual, these days. There’d have been no way I’d have cum.

Just like I wouldn’t take this curly hair in for a perm, I’m not gonna put birth control over sterility and put myself through all the BS of it just to ease his fears. He’s gonna have to either come clean or from now on, we won’t have sex unless it’s around period time. No more mid-cycle sex with this guy.

Other than that, I love him as always, he’s been great to take me to my appointments and not letting my talking about and being attracted to Melanie bother him. I’m surprised he’s not jealous, but nope. He’s never had a problem with my discussing any woman I’ve ever been attracted to. That’s good, cuz he has nothing to fear, cuz even if she came begging me to spread my legs for her, I wouldn’t. It’s my husband that I love, but I lust for them both. In different ways, that is. A man’s still a man and a woman’s still a woman and while my husband’s got gorgeous eyes and a killer smile, I have always been more turned on by women in general. Not guys. I’d love to see her more often and be her friend, though, but I know that’ll never be. If I could just know that she was just as attracted to me too, and found me just as interesting, and had me on her mind a lot too, I’d be perfectly happy and content with that. I prayed to God for what I wish and like I said, Melie was never so talkative and happy to see me as she was this time. Ever since our phone call, it’s like something clicked between us. But the big question is, is it all in my head? Is it just pure wishful thinking? Am I falsely flattering myself? Yeah, I probably am, but still, it’s nice to fantasize.

Later…

That silver car is at the freeloaders again. I just quickly glanced out and saw the bitch. Yesterday I heard those packing sounds, but my vibes still say they’re not going anywhere. Watch. Now that I went through all the work of copying/pasting their own excerpts for them, they’ll move first. Nah, I highly doubt it, but we’ll see. I mean, the city’s gotta wean them off of them sooner or later, don’t they? I don’t just know that there are some weekdays where no one’s in that house all day, but I do know that someone’s in that house on Mondays, too. This is cuz the recycle bin always gets pulled back in right after they do a pickup.

Later…

Am I just dreaming? Or have we really not heard our little Caddy kid lately? Well, if it’s gone, I hope it stays gone, but as long as they’re quiet with the music next door, I expect God will compensate me with other stereos. It’s just a lucky, unusually quiet spell we’ve had from stereos these last few days, but things have a way of making up for themselves.

MONDAY, MAY 4, 1998 Got to see that beautiful Melanie again! She looked great. Her hair was a lighter red/brown than I remembered, and she trimmed it. It’s not quite to the middle of her back anymore. She seemed the gladdest to see me, so to speak, than ever before, and she was more talkative than ever before, too.

She got a real kick out of a dream I told her I had about her. I forgot to tell Tom, too. In the dream, I went to see her for a check-up and Tom had to go to a meeting and told me to find my own way home. She offered me a ride home, but the house was gone. So then she offered to take me out for pizza, then I woke up. She co-starred in some other dreams, too, but I can’t remember them.

I told her she was lucky she still looked good in braces, while I looked like a geek. She said I didn’t look like a geek. I was flattered she thought so, but getting light blue bracket holders, or whatever the hell they are, was a mistake. They’re a bore. I think I’ll go back to pink. It’s my favorite color and it didn’t clash with my lipstick.

The tooth hasn’t come down anymore, so who knows when it’ll be that she’ll reattach an anchor to it? I didn’t ask, but she didn’t seem worried.

She’s quite the adventurer. She asked me what I did over the weekend, and I asked her what she did, too. She went bowling and hang gliding. She’s got guts!

I told her to let me know if she gets a computer. She said, “OK.”

We talked about our interests. I told her I was into music and art and I guess she’s more the athletic type. She told me she played basketball and did track in high school. Yeah, I can picture that and she’s tall, too. She’s gotta be between 5’ 6” - 5’ 8”.

She has very curly hair and it’s natural. She said she was thinking of getting a straightening iron. I told her that’s what I use.

I really, really, like this girl! She’s gorgeous. She’s interesting. But I can’t see her again till June 1st. I hope she’ll be the one again to call me to remind me of our next appointment, which I could never forget! I just wish I could see her more than once a month!

Got the pictures of my parents’ place. Yup, it’s gorgeous. Nice and modern with gorgeous furniture and decorations.

SUNDAY, MAY 3, 1998 To my utter amazement, things have been quiet around here so far. Today’s subject to change, but as of yet, all there’s been is a little bit of door slamming and I know the freeloaders have had a lot of company as they do on weekends, cuz I’ve seen different cars pulling in and out. But so far, no ball games, no music, in fact, all day yesterday, from the time I was up early in the morning to around 6 PM, I didn’t hear one stereo cruise by all day. Not even Caddy Kid went by.

Tom asked if we could get together yesterday. He didn’t know if I’d be uncomfortable. Yeah, right! Isn’t he supposed to be asking himself that? Anyway, we screwed, but the room reeked of his fear. He couldn’t even get very hard.

Well, whether or not we screw today, Tom won’t cum, let alone touch me till next weekend, and God too, will make sure we don’t screw during the weekdays cuz he’s gotta protect this oh-so fertile woman from conceiving! Hey, it’s just not my time yet! But don’t worry! God will let us join together and let Tom cum right at the right time and have us hit it right when it’s time. Right now I’m just too young and not ready. I have all kinds of other things I gotta do first, but we’ll be parents when the time’s right. We’ll hit it right. Someday.

Like I even want a child? Luckily enough, I find that more and more, a child just doesn’t matter so much anymore. I just don’t know if I want to throw what I have away when all I’d do is end up more miserable for sure. As soon as the curiosity and excitement of carrying, delivering, and seeing that newborn wore off, I’d become totally depressed once the reality of how trapped I was set in. And once I realized all that I had lost. No freedom to do as I please whenever I please. Fuck not having to worry about maintaining a schedule. Fuck having time alone with my husband. If I think not being able to sleep with him is so bad, imagine how shitty it'd be not to even be able to sit down and have a 5-minute talk with him.

To say more about how shitty things were Friday, just when I think I’ve curbed my fits where I knock things around in my rage/frustration, yeah right! I was lying face down in bed at one point when I let God get the better of me for adding inches to me for rebelling against how he wants my body when I flung my arm out and smashed my beautiful cactus/flower bowl, nearly broke the lamp that’s there permanently (if it weren’t for Tom, I’d be having to throw it away, but he fixed it), and got coffee all over the wall. That included my Bugs Bunny wall art. It’s amazing the dog mug didn’t smash.

Yet through it all, Tom still loves me and wants to be with me forever. Yes, I’m so blessed. How dare I ask for more? How could I even ask for more?

When we discussed how I feel like such a failure, he told me to compare myself to Andy. Andy’s a good person, yet where has his life gone since he left Springfield? I know I’ve made many accomplishments, but I still feel like nothing’s good enough. Nothing I do/have is ever enough to satisfy me. Tom says that’s good. Keeps me working towards things. He’s right, though, about my being successful, even if I don’t always feel it. Andy’s life is pretty much the same as it’s been since I’ve known him. Tammy’s just starting over at 41 years old. And her life ended at 24 when she had Lisa. That’s how it usually works. Since having those kids, that’s what her life’s been about. Just kids, Bill, a little bit of work on the side, and that’s it. And it’s still the same. Only difference is that it’s Mark, instead of Bill.

Before quitting smoking, I never would’ve thought that once I was home free I’d wonder if I made a mistake by quitting. I always thought that once I got to where I wasn’t dying for a cigarette every 5 minutes I’d never ever in a million years consider smoking again. But I am. I also thought quitting would boost my self-confidence big time. Tom said it’s normal to wonder if we did the right thing, and if I do question if I should’ve bothered quitting, it’s cuz I wonder - what would I weigh right now if I didn’t? Would I still be around 108? Down to 100? Where I am now? Or would I be around 115? Guess I’ll never know for sure, but it’s pretty logical to assume that no, I wouldn’t be 124 pounds.

Later…

I just took a bath and soon I’ll do my nails.

Can’t wait to see Melie tomorrow! Of course, if God would’ve let this exercise program work for me, she’d be seeing a slightly smaller version of me, but instead, she’ll be seeing a slightly bigger version of me. I’m not gonna let God win and give up this time, though. I’ll keep getting bigger and bigger, but I’m not gonna stop working out.

Tom found me a font editor (as part of our bet as to when the packages would arrive, and the kind of bet I knew he’d be willing to keep) that works not perfectly, but better than any of the other font editors he’s gotten. I was able to weed through and delete most of the duplicate fonts or fonts I don’t like.

Speaking of packages, we’ve got 4-5 of them on their way and an envelope of pictures and something for Tom.

Today I’m gonna do some proofreading. If I was smart, I’d proofread all the way up to around journal 115, cuz I did find some errors in some of the later ones when I was copying/pasting excerpts for the freeloaders. I’ll probably just leave it as is, though, and only go for fixing the ones that I know are bad for sure.

Yeah, good morning freeloaders (it just slammed its door and I just saw it pulling out. It’ll be back soon).

Later…

The sex we just had was very predictable. I knew he wouldn’t cum. Not at this time. Although, maybe if I’d remembered to turn the cooler on he would’ve. It was awfully hot and he seemed awfully close. So, unless it was for show to try to prove me wrong about saying he’s scared, is there some far-out chance that what I’ve been “seeing” every month is true? Could I really be OK? Is God just waiting for something? Nah, cuz I don’t “feel” it. I’d know if my plumbing worked. My woman’s intuition would tell me so if it did work. I can’t ever see a child in the picture, and I know that’s not something I could ever handle. I’m perfectly content nowadays to just keep things the way they are. I don’t want anything stirring up all I’ve worked so hard to achieve. And as usual, I didn’t get off. Again, I don’t know if it’s age or what, but I’m definitely not as horny as I once was (which is OK) and when I am, it’s usually when he’s not around, and it’s Melanie that’s on my mind.

SATURDAY, MAY 2, 1998 Yesterday turned out to be a shitty day in the end there. Inch loss guaranteed in 30 days? More like inch gain guaranteed in 10 days! I not only gained a pound but gained an inch, too. Finally, I said fuck it, I’m not gonna be insulted by working out just to get bigger. I’m sure this program and these exercises do work, it’s just that something up there won’t let my body take to these exercises. It’s just like with the hair removal system. It probably does work. God just won’t let it work for me. As Tom pointed out, a big factor in why I was thin for a while there, was cuz of all the worrying I was doing over money and shit like that and that takes a lot of energy being a bundle of nerves and it burns calories. So I’ll be a “happy fatso” cuz I’m not about to be humiliated anymore by having my efforts rewarded with additional inches.

FRIDAY, MAY 1, 1998 I have an awful lot to say this time. My mom has got 4 boxes on their way, plus something of value for Tom coming via regular mail in an envelope. Wow! That’s a lot. Then she says she’ll have another box going out soon, too.

That shit of a sister of mine should get my letter today or tomorrow if she hasn’t already, so who knows what “fuck you” messages she’ll leave me via phone or AOL? When she’s been had, or when you tell her something she doesn’t want to hear, whether it’s true or not, she gets nasty and makes up all kinds of stories/lies. She’s gonna be fuming when she reads this letter. I only hope she doesn’t take her anger out on the kids.

Kim’s taking Spanish classes, so she and I have been sending each other messages in Spanish.

Last night I had a good 5 hours of fun with the freeloaders. My original compromise with Tom was that I wouldn’t lay a hand on them. Instead, they’d get two eggs and a letter if they’re still here when we go. I decided that rather than send them a 2- to 3-page letter I’d really give them and their sick friends their reading pleasure by sending them everything I ever wrote about them. Within reason, of course. I have small hands and cannot hold two eggs so easily in one hand while the other opened the car door, so it’d take too much time to open the door with one hand (I’d have one egg in the other hand), then pick up the other egg, throw them, then turn around and reach for the manila envelope that’ll contain my journal excerpts on them, and toss that. So, I’m copying and pasting into a file, all these excerpts, then I’m cutting out names, etc. I know the laws, though, and that names or not, threats or not, the pigs can’t do shit. They don’t do shit till shit’s been done. They don’t act on talk or letters, or else the bulk of the population would be in deep shit.

Once I print these pages out, I’m gonna wire bind them, and I was gonna have the cover page say something like: Everything I ever wrote in my journals about you assholes while we were neighbors, but Tom said not to identify myself. I’m sure it’ll be rather obvious to them who I am. Again, I’m not worried and know what the law entails, but I’ll still watch what I say. I changed, for example, the word “bottle” to “seahorse.” Did the same for the plural versions, too. So I’m fessing to throwing a seahorse over the wall and into their carport. Now, the freeloader will know exactly what I really mean, but from a legal standpoint, there’s nothing that can be done. Tom says that we’re the only neighbors they had at the time (1996+) that they had problems with since they’re chummy with the people next to them on their other side, and since most people wouldn’t consider houses across from them to be their neighbors. Like I said, though, it’ll be fine. The freeloaders may be worth the fun of copying/pasting all the wonderful things I’ve had to say about them, but they’re not worth the postage. So I’ll put the shit in a manila envelope and put their address on both sides, so it can be seen no matter which side it lands on, as I throw it up their driveway. Wish I could be there to see their reactions! And I know that they, and their sick pals, will read away! Yeah, they should get a kick out of it. Maybe send chills up their spines once they realize just how closely I watched/analyzed them and their antics.

So the freeloaders are lovey-dovey with the Lopezs? (that’s their name according to what we learned at the library, though they’re blond and not Hispanic-looking). How fitting, though. I always did say that the Lopezs were complete scum to treat their dogs the way they do, they were assholes to that woman in back of us, so they’re good for each other. I mean, how utterly cute. Tom says he sees them chatting a lot and that the bitch has even been seen getting out of their car. Well, they can have happy lives together! Assholes should be with other assholes.

In other news, I have mixed emotions about how abnormal, different, freakish, and limited I am. I usually do, though, don’t I? I was gonna get into it now, but I think I’ll wait and get into it some other time.

Later…

Half an hour till the freeloader leaves. It’s been leaving at 7:30 for the last couple of mornings. I am so utterly amazed that there haven’t been more ball games than there have been. I really thought that’d be close to a daily thing. It’s May now, so by the end of July, I expect the dog to be here.

I also expect to see my worst fears confirmed in 20 more days, too. I’ve been sticking to doing these exercises every day and I haven’t changed a bit. Just when I thought I would, nope. I’m still the same weight, the same measurements. I know nothing’s wrong with me or else I’d have symptoms saying so, so this tells me that there really is something up there that wants me fat. Along with nature. It isn’t in your average adult’s nature to be thin. That’s why most adults are fat. It’s natural for my body, as a non-smoker, to weigh 124. And nature can’t be altered all that well, trust me.

Sometimes I’m back to my old self - not hungry most of the time. But other times, I could eat non-stop, so I really have to control myself and make sure I eat little and it’s been months now since I’ve been back to my old eating habits of not eating much. Instead of my body adapting to the little amount of food it gets, it stays hungry. I’m always hungry. But like I said, I have to just live with it, cuz if I eat every time I’m hungry, I’ll have food in my mouth about as often as I used to have a cigarette in my mouth.

Tom and I were talking earlier about how out of shape I’ve gotten. Here I am a non-smoker, yet I got so out of breath walking up this little hill on the beach when we were in CA. So God really is sparing me from shit I can’t handle after all, cuz if I can’t even walk up a hill, I can’t have a baby. I still have a lot of hyper energy, but that’s about it. Maybe if I keep exercising anyway after the 30-day fat/inch loss guarantee, my psychological knowledge of knowing I’m exercising daily and putting forth the effort, will at least increase my stamina and make me feel better, if it won’t decrease my weight/fat/inches.

As I said earlier, I still like and hate myself and the way I am, if that makes any sense. I wonder, though, why did God make me so damn incompetent? There’s got to be a reason why he made me like I am and why my life is what it’s like. It’s both wonderful and pitiful. I mean, I can’t even sleep with my own goddamn husband, that’s how abnormal I am. It’s like the more I fight to do what’s common/normal, the more I can’t, but the things that most people can’t do, come easily to me.

I admitted to Tom that I faked orgasms with him lately. He said he loves and accepts me as I am and wants to be with me forever, but that it bothered him most that I lied. Well, we all do it every now and then. He should know. And I think he only said it bothers him as a cover for his own fibs pertaining to sex, but nonetheless, I did what I thought was best at the time. What I didn’t tell him was that I prefer to just quickly and easily take care of myself and just get it over with that way.

I can’t lie here and say I don’t like how my appetite’s decreased for sex. I don’t want to want sex as much as I used to with him, cuz he couldn’t take care of me. We’ve always had part-time sex and we always will. He doesn’t have a high drive himself, and due to our schedules and all he has to do, there’s no way we could screw regularly.

I also have periodic spells where I wish things could’ve been different with me and that I could have a child. I know, though, that the longer I stay as I am, the happier I’ll be that I did. I can’t afford to waste my time, as much of it as I have, on trying to get by both God and Tom on issues I could never win on. It only exhausts, depresses, angers, and frustrates me. I could never win. And what if I could? Would that really be best? Or would I just be even more miserable with a million more problems? I’ll bet I would be, and the good thing about never having a kid is that I’ll never have to find out that I was right about fearing more misery/problems. Like I said, God knows what I can and can’t handle both physically and mentally. What goes for me may not go for others, but he’d never let me bite off more than I could chew.

So, while it’s easy for me to say I wish I could be thin again, and be normal, and sleep with my husband, have a normal sex life, have a kid, and a career, and not be afraid to drive, this can never be. These things aren’t me and that’s that. Again, though, everything has its pros and cons and had that been me, I’d wish I could be as I really truly am. Well, I wouldn’t want the rather odd sex life I’ve had, and maybe I wouldn’t want to be unable to sleep with my husband, but I’d wish I didn’t have to work. And I’d wish for damn sure that there were no kids in the picture.

The only unique things I like about myself are my abilities with music and art.

The freeloader just left after 3 door slams.

Later…

The object of my lust just called to remind me of Monday’s appointment. How could I forget! At first I was like, who’s this? Then when she said she was Melanie I was shocked. She sounded like a 15-year-old. She said she probably sounded different cuz she had to have her braces put back on. I said, “Oh you poor thing!” and asked what happened. She said something about a tooth slipping back. Then I was kind of like, haha! And we were laughing like old buddies.

I brought up the pen pal thing by asking her first if she had a home PC. She doesn’t have one. Bummer. Then I told her I hope she feels better since I know how it can be at first, and she said it was good for the diet. I told her she’s not fat, she said “yeah right,” then that was it.

[seongsangi]

i think about you

pairing: jaemin x reader

summary: you may or may not have a slight thing for your roommate jaemin, where will things go from here 👀

word count: 6.3k

warnings: drinking (stay responsible!! and always!! get consent!!)

It's 2 am and you can't sleep. How could you when your roommate has brought home another girl to fuck, knowing your walls are thin as hell? You think they're being extra loud on purpose to get on your nerves and it's working. You're tired and frustrated with Jaemin, can he not do this at her place? This is the second time he's done it, and you told him after the first time that he should respect your wishes to sleep peacefully, especially since you live here too.

You can't lay in bed and listen to this bullshit any more, so you throw the covers off angrily and walk down the hallway, banging on his door. "Can y'all please shut the fuck up!" The moans and groans coming from his room come to a halt and you're glad they got the message. As you turn on your heels to head back to your room, a half dressed girl comes running out of his room and shoves past you, almost knocking you over. She heads for the door before you can even see her face. You turn to look at Jaemin, covering the lower half of his body with his sheets. He's shirtless and sweaty, which would look good on any other day but you're too mad at him to think of him in that way.

"Oh shit, I didn't know you were home, I'm so sorry Y/N," he apologizes. He thought you were spending the night at your friend's house.

"I'm going tomorrow night dumbass. Do you bring someone home every time I'm not here?" you ask, hands on your hips.

"Maybe not every night," he responds, unable to look you in the eye. You scoff and head back to your room, finally able to get some sleep. You snuggle under the covers but feel your phone vibrate from a text.

jaemin [2:30 am] Are you mad at me?

you [2:30 am] yes

jaemin [2:31 am] You weren't home when I got here, I swear I didn't know you came back :(

you [2:33 am] ok i guess

jaemin [2:36 am] Sooo, there's a party my friend is throwing Saturday night, wanna go?

you [2:38 am] ... yes

jaemin [2:39 am] <3

The next morning, you're no longer mad at Jaemin. You did come home after him so you can't blame him for not knowing. You make your way into the kitchen to pour yourself some cereal. As you turn around, you almost drop the entire bowl when you run into Jaemin.

"Can you put some damn clothes on?" you huff, annoyed that he wasn't watching where he's going but even more annoyed at yourself for getting a little warm in the cheeks seeing him in only a towel, fresh out the shower.

"What, not like you haven't seen me like this before," he responds, grabbing some water out of the fridge.

That's true, but you wish he would cover up sometimes. Most days you don't bat an eye, but some days you can't deny that he looks good enough for you to swoon over him. He has to know what he's doing when he waltzes around the place shirtless so often, it's like he wants you to stare at him. You take a bite of your cereal instead of responding, not knowing what to say back.

"I know you like it," he teases with a wink, rushing back to his room before you can hit him. You hate to admit that you do. As much as he gets on your nerves, he's still fine as hell and you've caught yourself fantasizing about him more than a few times when you're together. You imagine how his lips would feel on yours, kissing you til you're out of breath. Or how his lips would feel on your neck, leaving hickies as he moves down to your chest, nipping and biting on your breasts, tongue ghosting over your nipples. Or how his hands would feel on your thighs, inching closer and closer to where he makes you tingle the most. You imagine him with that annoyingly hot smirk on his face, asking you if you want him. You think about how he'd feel underneath you as you straddle his waist, grinding your hips on him. The thought of it all makes you extremely hot and bothered.

You quickly finish your cereal and hurry to your room. If you can't get the thought of Jaemin pleasuring you out of your mind, you might as well do something about it. You need some kind of relief, and you sure as hell weren't about to ask him to help you with it. You'd die of embarrassment if he knew you lusted over him sometimes.

You keep a small box of toys in your bottom drawer, locked with a key so pesky little Jaemin can't stumble upon it if he were ever in your room. You pull out your favorite lavender bullet vibrator, glad that it's pretty quiet but oh does it get the job done wonderfully. You spread your legs, imagining Jaemin is kneeling between them. Your hands run up your body, fondling your breasts, imagining his hands in place of yours. You close your eyes and bite your lip, trying to be as silent as possible so he doesn't hear you from his room. Your fingers slide underneath your shorts, circling your clit slowly, feeling how wet you are even through your panties. This is what he does to you and he doesn't even know. You pinch your nipple, wishing Jaemin was here to bite on your sensitive bud.

When your imagination gets to be too much, you discard your shorts and panties, turning on the vibrator and gliding it along your core, gathering your wetness. Pressing it lightly to your clit, you turn it up to your favorite setting, letting the vibrations take over your body. You let out a small moan, which you doubt he could hear but you turn on some music anyway on your speaker, not wanting to take any chances. Your toes curl as the stimulation on your clit sends tingles up and down your spine, thinking about Jaemin pressing soft kisses to your core. You slide the vibrator in yourself, moving it in and out slowly as if it was his fingers in you.

jaemin [10:12 am] Turn your music down I'm trying to study.

you [10:15 am] since when do u study??

jaemin [10:16 am] I'm trying to ace this exam before I party hard on Saturday

you [10:18 am] oh ok, sorry good luck u can do it :)

You throw your phone back on the bed beside you, letting the thoughts of him flood your mind again. You imagine how cute he would look sitting at his desk, brows furrowed because he's stuck on a question. You imagine yourself distracting him from his studies, running your hands along his chest from behind the chair and nuzzling your face in his neck, kissing every inch of him, leaving hickies for everyone to see. You love the thought of marking him, letting the world know he's yours. He'd tell you to quit but you don't want to leave him alone. You think about how sexy it would be when he gets frustrated at you, pushing you against the desk and giving you his undivided attention that you crave so much. The vibrator is sending you into overdrive, pulsing against your clit as you think of all the ways you want Jaemin to use your body. Your high washes over you and a long drawn out moan escapes from your lips. After you calm down from your orgasm, you check your phone again, throwing it away from you in embarrassment when you see the notification.

jaemin [10:30 am] Wow, I love that song you're playing, what's it called?

Saturday night comes by and you're waiting for Jaemin to finish getting ready so you can head to the party. You're wearing an all black outfit: long-sleeve mesh sparkly shirt with a VS lace bra underneath and your favorite skort with a slit, loving the way it hugs your figure perfectly. You have on your favorite dramatic lashes and a bold red lip for a pop of color. You look and feel good about yourself, wanting to dress up a bit since you haven't been to a party in a while. As you scroll through your phone aimlessly, you're getting impatient waiting for him.

"Jaemin hurry up!" you yell at him from the kitchen. He comes out of his room in an all black outfit too, looking delectable in those tight jeans. "You look hot," he wolf whistles at you. You flip your hair and respond with a cocky "I know."

"Why are you matching me?" he checks you out as he opens the door for you. You scoff, "I was ready before you so technically you're matching me."

You climb in the driver's seat, opting to take your car instead of his. Jaemin directs you to his friend's house and you turn up the music, cruising along the dimly lit streets. As you continue driving, you can sense Jaemin stealing glances at you every once in a while. When you come to a stoplight, you turn your head to look at him. He doesn't look away like you thought he would. He's eating you up with such an intense gaze, it makes you a bit shy, body temperature rising.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Cause you look good," he responds, resting his elbow on the console, leaning in too close for comfort. You can't stop the smile that forms on your face, enjoying the simple compliment from him. You hold your hand up in front of his face, blocking yourself from his view as the light turns green. He pushes it back down, wanting to keep looking at you. His hand doesn't let go of yours, though. He traces small circles on your hand, his light touch making you tense up. You don't know why he's acting this way but you don't pull your hand back. The car ride is silent after that except for the music playing.

When you reach the house, you can tell there's a lot of people already here just by the number of cars parked along the street. Jaemin seems to know everyone he comes across, while you only recognize a few faces. You follow behind him, exchanging greetings with his friends.

"Jaeminnnn, glad you could make it bro," one of his friends turns his gaze to you, happy to see a new face. "And who is this beautiful lady?" He shoves Jaemin aside, clearly more interested in you.

Jaemin pushes his way back between the two of you, "This is Y/N."

"I'm Jeno, nice to meet you." He extends a hand and you shake it. "Do you guys want a drink?" You shake your head, telling him you're driving tonight. Jaemin doesn't waste any time following Jeno into the kitchen where they start mixing drinks. You try to maneuver your way through so many people, finding a seat at the kitchen counter where the two guys are.

"I made an A on that exam I told you about so I get to celebrate now," he winks at you, raising his red cup to do a cheers with Jeno.

"Aw, see I told you you could do it," smiling at him, resting your elbows on the counter and leaning forward. Jaemin glances at your chest, noticing the way your arms are pushing your breasts together. You don't realize it and take a look around at all the busy bodies chatting with each other. You're always doing that to him, so oblivious to the way you make him feel even from a simple act like that.

Jeno whispers in Jaemin's ear, both of them taking a look at you. Jaemin calls out to you, "Y/N, Jeno said he'd let us stay the night since there are two extra rooms."

"Yeah, my parents are out of town and I'm only offering you guys so you don't have to worry about other people," Jeno chimes in.

You're not opposed to the idea, seeing as how they're both good friends and you feel like you can trust Jeno. "But I don't have any of my stuff to spend the night."

"I may or may not have snuck a duffel bag in your car earlier today, don't worry I packed everything you needed," he says as he hands his drink to you, cocking an eyebrow, inviting you to have a little fun.

"...Did you plan on getting me drunk or something?" You take the drink from him anyway, downing it in one go. Fuck it, why not? Jaemin and Jeno cheer you on as the alcohol burns your throat. He's already making another one for you and you laugh at him. So this is what he meant by party hard.

As the time passes by and Jaemin keeps handing you drinks, you eventually have to tell him to stop. You're reaching your limit and you don't want to get too drunk at a function when you don't know most of these people. Jeno sets up a beer pong table in the living room and challenges you and Jaemin. Turns out, Jeno actually sucks at beer pong and he looks like he's about to pass out. When you feel like you can't take any more drinks, Jaemin steps in for you.

"Are you gonna be okay? You've been drinking a lot," worried he might be passing out with Jeno too.

"Nah, I'm okay, I haven't had that much, you've actually drank more than me," he says, landing the ball in another cup for Jeno to drink. You hit him on his arm, "So you really were trying to get me drunk!"

"I wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle babe," the word makes your heart skip a beat and you feel tingly, unsure if it’s the way he said it or if it’s the drinks getting to your head. "It's your turn, you can make the last shot right?" He hands the ball to you, turning you to face the table again. You aim, hoping you can make it. Your vision is a little off as the drinks are making their way through your system. You jump up and down with excitement when the ball lands in the cup, almost stumbling over. Jaemin holds you steady, hands around your waist and your skin burns where he touches you.

"Nah, I need a rematch," Jeno slurs, obviously past his limit and trying to set the table again. Jaemin calls over a few other people to play, taking your place. "Here, sit down I'm gonna get you some water." You sit on an empty chair in the corner of the living room, trying to come back to your senses. You realize you're not as drunk as you should be given all the drinks Jaemin handed you tonight. Guess he really didn't put as much alcohol as you thought he did. You feel good, eyes a little heavy but nothing too bad. The chair next to you is suddenly occupied by someone else, and you wonder where Jaemin is gonna sit when he comes back.

He hands you the bottle of water and tells you he'll be right back. You watch him as he makes his way back to the kitchen, talking to a few of his friends. You feel a little sad, wanting him to be near you. You feel more comfortable around him than anyone else. But you don't want to pull him away from his friends just to cater to you in your drunken state. You blame your neediness on the alcohol, trying to push away the possibility that you actually want him to be around you that badly.

jaemin [11:40 pm] How are you feeling?

Your face lights up, it's cute he's still thinking of you.

you [11:40 pm] im okay :) thanks for the water i needed it

jaemin [11:41 pm] You sure you're okay? Did I give you too much?

you [11:41 pm] you didn't give me anything i couldn't handle ;)

You repeat his words from earlier, adding a wink as your inhibitions slowly fade, looking up at him to see a small smile on his face.

jaemin [11:42 pm] You're so cute

You smile widely this time, the simple text making your heart flutter.

you [11:43 pm] are u just saying that cuz im drunk

jaemin [11:43 pm] No you're always cute. But you do look particularly good in that outfit

You bite your lip, feeling warm after reading his text. You're glad he isn't saying this to you face to face. It's not much but you still don't think you could handle it.

you [11:44 pm] is that why you couldn't stop staring at me in the car

jaemin [11:44 pm] With the way you look, how could I not?

you [11:44 pm] hmm i'll give u that, i do look good tonight haha

jaemin [11:45 pm] You're confident. I love that about you

you [11:45 pm] yeah? what else do you like about me?

You press further, letting the alcohol take over.

jaemin [11:47 pm] What's there not to like?

You groan because his answer is so vague and not what you wanted to hear.

you [11:47 pm] tell meeeee i wanna know :(

You look up from your text when he doesn't respond as fast as he was earlier, seeing Jaemin lost in a conversation with his friends and not currently on his phone.

you [11:51 pm] jaeminnn come back

                          talk to meee

                         text me back :((( im gonna cry

You don't know why you feel so sad, it's only been a few minutes. You can't believe you just sent that pathetic text to him. Maybe the alcohol is doing more to you than you thought.

jaemin [11:55 pm] Babe, I was just talking with the guys. We're about to go out to the patio but I'm right here

you [11:56 pm] ... i like it when you call me babe

jaemin [11:58 pm] I can do a lot more things you might like.

Fuck, you want to find out what he means by that.

you [11:58 pm] show me what you can do jaemin

jaemin [12:00 am] Don't say that unless you really want me to.

You lock your phone at the same time the text comes in, missing the notification. You have to go to the bathroom, trying to steady yourself on your jello like legs as you get off the chair. After using the bathroom, you feel like you should chill upstairs for now, getting away from the party. You make your way into the room Jeno pointed out was yours for the night. Luckily no one is hanging out in here. You collapse on the bed, head spinning but in a good way. You close your eyes and rest for a bit, listening to the music coming from downstairs.

jaemin [12:15 am] Where did you go?

Shit, you forgot to text him back.

you [12:16 am] im in my room, im ok dont worry just needed to use the bathroom. im probably not going back downstairs tho

jaemin [12:20 am] We're kicking people out rn. We just carried Jeno's drunk ass to his room and he passed out so it's only right people should start leaving. We'll clean everything up

you [12:21 am] ok ill be here. can you get the bag from my car thx <3

The next time you open your eyes, the clock reads 1 am. The music isn't playing any more and you don't hear any voices. The duffel bag is near the door and you head to the bathroom to take a nice hot shower, head still buzzing. When you come back to your room, you see Jaemin sitting on your bed scrolling through his phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Well you took the whole bag with you and my stuff is in there too, so I was just waiting," taking the bag from you and heading to the bathroom.

15 minutes later, Jaemin comes back to your room, looking as fine as ever, clad in only a towel as he always is around you. You're starting to think he does this on purpose, to get a reaction out of you. You're still feeling the effects of the alcohol and your mind begins to wander again as it usually does. His hair is wet, a few droplets trickling down his chest and you just want to throw him on the bed and take your time with him, kissing his skin and leaving all your love marks on him.

"If you stare at me any longer, you're gonna start drooling," he laughs, snapping you out of your thoughts.

"What are you still doing in my room?" Laying down on your stomach and facing him as he pulls out the chair from the desk, taking a seat across from you.

"I didn't think either of us wanted to go to bed yet, but I can leave if you want me to."

You bite your lip, of course you don't want him to leave. You take the opportunity to bring up his earlier text, feeling a surge of confidence rush through you. "Don't go. You said you could do things I might like earlier... show me what you can do." You're beyond eager to find out, core beginning to throb at all your dirty thoughts.

His hand traces his lip, eyes narrowing at you as he takes in the curves of your body on the bed, acting all innocent for him when he knows you're being playful with him right now. "I said don't say that unless you really want me to."

“I wouldn’t be saying it if I didn’t really want you to Jaemin,” you say in a low voice, trying to make it as obvious as you can. You’re tired of him beating around the bush. The sexual tension you feel between the two of you can be cut with a knife and you want to take it to the next level.

"I don't think you're ready for it," he says, leaning back in the chair. You let out a loud groan, wondering why he won't just come over and show you what he's talking about.

You take matters into your own hands, climbing off the bed and making your way to stand in front of him. He looks up at you, waiting for what you're about to do next. You lean on one hand against the desk, cocking your head to the side and ask quietly, "Why do you keep playing with me?" Your other hand fidgets with the hem of your shorts, frustrated with the way he's eye fucking you instead of actually fucking you.

"I don't know what you mean babe," he lies through his teeth.

"That! I mean just that! You can't stop staring at me in the car, holding my hand, touching my waist, telling me how good I look tonight, calling me babe all of a sudden, and then telling me you'll do a lot of things I might like. And then! You come into my room looking like THAT and I'm supposed to just act like you don't turn me on every single time I see you." You huff, getting all your frustrations out.

He leans forward in the chair, pulling you closer to him by your thighs. "You think I don't feel the same way about you? How you walk around the whole place looking so fine when you're not even doing anything? You look good without even trying and I can't believe you've never noticed me staring at you before tonight," he responds, his eyes never leaving yours, sending shivers up your spine.

"So why didn't you say anything about it?" You ask, heart racing at his confession.

"I assumed you just thought of me as a friend. You know that reminds me, I heard you in your room the other morning." A smirk is plastered on his face as you remember. He texted you after you had just finished playing with yourself and you ignored it, thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. He didn't know you were fantasizing about him so you didn't want to say anything more about it.

"Who were you thinking about?" he continues, voice getting lower. He knows now you were thinking about him after your little outburst but he wants to hear you say it.

Your cheeks get hot and you can’t look at him any more, staring out the window to avoid his smoldering gaze. “No one in particular... I was just in the mood.”

“It wouldn’t have been me right?” His hand reaches out for yours on the hem of your shorts, gently sliding his fingers along your thigh. “You could have asked me to help, I was just one door away.” Your thighs squeeze together, unable to stop your arousal from pooling.

“But since we’re already here… do you want me to help now?” His fingers travel further underneath your shorts, inching their way along your exposed skin. He leaves a burning sensation where he touches you.

You can’t hold back any longer. You pull away from him and walk slowly back to the bed, laying down on your back, giving him your best bedroom eyes. You want him and he wants you, no doubt about it anymore. “Come here, Jaemin,” you beckon to him, hands running under your shirt, pulling it up but stopping underneath your breasts, teasing him. He makes his way towards you, standing at the edge of the bed, taking in your beautiful figure splayed out on the bed for him.

“Show me what you did the other morning,” he doesn’t touch you, wanting you to do it yourself.

“I could show you, but I want you to do it. Please?” Pulling your knees up and spreading your legs slightly, an invitation for him to make a move. He can’t resist you when you look so perfect, begging for him like that.

“Like this?” his hand finds his way to your inner thigh, so close yet so far. He gives you a squeeze before his fingers reach your core, sliding them up and down, giving you some much needed friction.

“Mmm, keep going,” you stare up at him as he keeps his eyes on you. He looks so good standing over you, making you feel reduced in his presence. His hand slips underneath your shorts, loving the way your arousal is making a mess of your panties. “I haven’t even done anything and you’re this wet.”

“I’m always like this because of you,” you tell him, knowing it’s true and wanting to feed his ego. He hums, finally making contact with your core, gathering your wetness on his fingers. The sound of your slick is like music to his ears and he can’t look away from you when you let out a soft moan. He rubs slow circles on your clit, just the way you like it. His fingers on you are even better than you imagined and you want more. You pull your shorts and panties off, inviting him back with a smile.

“You’re incredible,” he gives you what you want and slips two fingers in, making you throw your head back as he pumps them in and out of you.

“Just like that baby,” you moan out, lost in the way his fingers are making you buck your hips.

“What else did you imagine?” his thumb rubbing your clit at the same time his fingers are moving in you. You pull your shirt up further, exposing your perfect mounds to him, nipples hard and ready for his mouth. You squeeze one and play with the other, pinching it between your fingers as a silent response. He gets the message loud and clear, kneeling on the bed and wastes no time in attaching his lips to your skin. He leaves soft kisses on your stomach, moving to your chest and sucking everywhere he can. Several hickies are littered across your breasts before he takes one nipple in his mouth, making you sigh in pleasure. You watch him as he closes his eyes, focusing on giving you what you’ve imagined him doing to you. You couldn’t be more head over heels for him with his hand in your core and lips wrapped around your sensitive bud.

You hold his face and bring it up to yours, asking him to lay down, pecking a soft kiss on his lips. He reluctantly pulls his fingers out of you, bringing them to his own lips and licking your arousal off. You groan “that’s so hot” as he lays his head on the pillows, waiting for your next move. You crawl slowly towards him, swaying your hips as he’s getting more and more eager. You straddle his waist, making sure to position your core over his member, grinding back and forth on him as you pull your shirt off. You’re completely naked now and the friction of the towel on your clit makes you bite your lip. His dick twitches at your naked body on top of him, moving your hips against him.

“I imagined this too,” you lean down and kiss his neck, hands balancing yourself on his chest. You run your hands along his skin, finally getting the chance to touch him everywhere. He enjoys pleasuring you but also loves that your lips can’t seem to get enough of him. You bite at his skin gently, leaving hickies just as he did to you. You pull back a bit to admire your artwork, and he can’t look any more perfect underneath you. You’ve got him wrapped around your finger, and you don’t want to let him go. You press more kisses as you travel further down his chest and stomach, settling yourself in between his legs. You tug on the towel, asking him with your eyes to take it off. You’re both naked now, and you can’t be more excited to take him in your mouth and make him moan your name. You grab him from the base, slowly moving your hand up and down, keeping your eyes locked on his as he bites his lip. You lick him from base to tip, repeating the action several times to get his dick wet.

He’s so infatuated with you, so needy for you to do whatever you want to him. He didn’t know how much longer he could hold himself back. When he saw you tonight, something sparked in him and he couldn’t control himself. You looked so gorgeous, so sexy and you don’t even realize the effect you have on him. He originally came to the party to have a good time for himself, but he was more focused on getting you to have fun with him. His gaze would linger on you when you weren’t looking, checking you out every chance he got, wondering how it would feel to have you scream his name. Every time you laughed, your smile would make him fall more and more for you. He noticed several of his friends eyeing you, talking about you like he didn’t know. He would feel a slight tinge of jealousy, wanting you all to himself.

When you wrap your mouth around him and start sucking him off, he loses it. He’s thought about this so many times. He would pump himself in his room on some days when you looked extra good, imagining it was your lips instead of his hand. He had the same fantasies about you that you did about him. Now that you’re here with your pretty lips on him, he can’t help himself. He bucks his hips up, pushing himself further into your mouth. You still, letting him take control. You’re eager for him to fuck your mouth, and he thrusts into you, hitting the back of your throat a few times. You want to make him feel good and you’ll do anything for him. His sighs and pants make you even wetter, knowing it’s you making him get lost in pleasure. He holds your hair, letting his hips do the work. Your moans around him make his head dizzy, the vibrations adding to his pleasure. He pauses for a bit, not wanting to bust a nut in your mouth before he gets the chance to fuck you.

You pull away, hand still wrapped around him, dick wet with your saliva. He takes a mental picture of you before moving to get off the bed, standing by the edge. You follow him, excited for his next move. “Get on your knees and turn around,” his voice turning you on. You follow his orders, arching your back and poking your ass out for him. His hand smooths over your ass before giving it a quick smack, jolting you forward. He lines himself up to you, teasing your entrance with the tip of his dick. Fuck, it’s about to happen and your heart is racing. You grip the sheets as he slides in, a perfect fit for you.

“Fuuuck, you’re tight,” he sighs, gripping your thighs to keep you in place. He’s trying to control himself from going too hard right off the bat, but he just wants to ruin you. When you plead for him to go faster, he grabs a handful of your hair, pulling your back to his chest, a good pain shooting down your spine. His hips snap against your ass roughly, the sound of skin slapping and your loud moans filling the room. His hand wraps around your throat and his grip on your hair tightens, whispering in your ear. “Your pussy is too good,” making you clench around him. This is one of your favorite positions because his tip hits your spot every time, making you curse with every thrust. His hand on your throat makes your head feel light and you reach down to rub your clit, making the pleasure 10x more intense.

“You gonna cum on me babe?” He asks, fucking you even harder. You can only whimper in response, feeling it coming and you don’t want it to stop. He’s making you so crazy, such a whiny mess and you feel like putty under his hands. You let out a half moan, half scream and grab his arm as your legs shake, unable to hold yourself up as you reach cloud nine. You’d fall if his grip on you wasn’t so tight. He continues to pound into you, a bit slower this time to give you time to come down from your high. Your pussy is now unbelievably tight and he can’t bring himself to go as fast, wanting to spend more time in you. He lets go of your throat and hair and you fall face first, too tired from your orgasm to stay up. He stills in you, moving your hair to the side and leaning down to press kisses on your back, making circles on your waist.

“That was hot, but I hope you know I’m not done with you.” You turn your head to look at him and say breathlessly, “I can take it.”

“I know you can babe, you’ve got no choice.” And with that, he’s fucking you again, hands gripping your ass with such force you think he’ll leave bruises. You can’t keep quiet, throwing your hips back to meet each thrust, wanting him to use your body until he can’t any more.

“Jaemin, don’t stop please,” you moan, wanting to let him know how much you love it. “Fuck, you’re the best.” He smacks your ass again.

“I don’t want anyone but you, they couldn’t compare to your pussy,” he pulls out to the tip and slams back in, pushing your body forward. He flips you around, wanting to see your face before he cums. He leans down and kisses you hungrily, swallowing the whimpers you let out. A few more thrusts and he pulls out, pumping himself with his hand, watching as you get on your knees to face him.

“Cum for me,” you beg, wanting him to paint your face and chest with his release. You slide your hands across his thighs and waist, batting your lashes at him. You look so damn sexy to him, he finishes with a loud groan, hot cum splattering your body. You move his hand away, taking him in your mouth again as he spills the last of his cum in your mouth. Your warm mouth is getting too much for him, he can’t believe you drive him this wild.

You pull away from him with a pop, opening your mouth to let him see his release in your mouth before you swallow with a cheeky smile. Can you get any sexier? He grabs your chin and angles your head up, kissing you again, loving that he can taste himself on you.

After cleaning yourselves up and getting dressed for bed, he snuggles into the covers with you. “You have your own room, you know,” you poke at him.

“You don’t really want me to leave,” he says, knowing it’s the truth. His warm chest is the best pillow you could ever find, and he pulls you in closer to him.

“I meant it when I said you’re the best. I think about you when I’m with other girls.”

“Don’t talk about other girls after you just fucked me!” you pinch him and he laughs.

“I always think about you,” pressing a soft kiss to your forehead as you close your eyes, happy that your imaginations have turned into real life.

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[storiesforallfandoms]

bad reputation ~ g eazy

word count: 1765

request?: yes!

“Diferent Geazy fan. Can I request an imagine like from enemies to lovers where reader is a bit taken aback because of gerald reputation? But in anin cliche way”

description: in which she hears he’s a bad boy and forms an opinion before meeting him, but is taken back when she finds the rumors are untrue

pairing: g eazy x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist

Although I knew it was wrong, I had formed an opinion on Gerald before we had even met.

I saw his name through tabloid magazines and websites in scandalous headlines more than I could count. Countless tales of him being a partyaholic who loved to drink, smoke weed, and fuck anything that walked, numerous cheating allegations that Ashley had even confirmed to me when I met her on the red carpet, and overall just nothing good to be sad about Gerald ever.

He wasn’t the type of person I wanted to surround myself with, which was why I tried my hardest to stay away from him. That is, until my record label decided they wanted me to do a collab with him on my next album.

“There’s so many rapper I could collaborate with, why him?” I asked my manager over the phone as I drove to the studio.

“That’s just who the label wants. He’s one of the biggest modern rappers right now, they think it’ll be a huge hit for you.”

“He’s an asshole!”

“You’ve never met him, (Y/N).”

“I don’t need to meet him to know he’s an asshole. I’ve never seen one good article written about him.”

“You of all people should know that tabloid media is not the best thing to go off of in regards to someone’s character.”

I threw my head back and groaned, earning me a strange look from the cab driver taking me to the studio.

“Fine, I’ll try to work with him, but warn the studio that if he is as much of an asshole as he seems to be that I’m not doing it. I don’t care how big of a hit it would be, I’m not working with a certified dickwad.”

My manager chuckled. “Alright, I will. Good luck, hun.”

I rolled my eyes and hung up. I rested my head against the window, dreading the moment I would pull up to the studio.

That moment came quicker than I would have liked and, before I knew it, I was paying my cab driver and looking at the entrance to the studio. I would’ve done anything to turn around and go home, or at least to go to a different studio and record on my own. But I knew the label wanted this, and I couldn’t go against the label. Not without any concrete evidence that I actually couldn’t work with Gerald.

So, I had no choice but to suck it up and walk into the studio. I felt my dread growing as I neared the studio I knew we were working in, and the moment I walked in I was hit with an overwhelming stench of weed smoke.

Gerald was sat on the couch, a pad of paper balanced on his lap as he held a pen in one hand and a joint in the other. He took a hit from the joint and exhaled the smoke into the room. I wasn’t someone who was against weed, far from it actually, I found it helped with my writing process. But something about watching Gerald take puffs from his joint and exhale them into the windowless room just made my blood boil.

“Could you put that out?” I asked him. “It’s making the room feel claustrophobic.”

He looked up suddenly before smiling. “Oh hey! Sorry, didn’t hear you come in.’ He rose from the couch and extended a hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

I glanced at the joint in his other hand before reluctantly shaking his outstretched one. “It’s nice to meet you, too. Could you put that out?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, I find having a joint helps with my creative juices.”

He stubbed the blunt out in a nearby ashtray, one I assumed he had brought with him or taken from somewhere. The studio didn’t allow smoking under any circumstances. I wondered if we’d get in trouble for that.

I sat on the other side of the room as far away from Gerald as possible. I folded myself in the usual manor that I did when writing and rested my notebook against my legs.

Across the room, I heard Gerald chuckle. I glared at him over my notebook. “What?”

“That doesn’t look comfortable,” he noted, nodding to how I was sitting.

“It’s how I write,” I snapped. “It’s comfortable to me.”

“Okay, okay!” he said, putting his hands up. “Sorry, just making a note. I figured the couch here with be more comfortable.”

“I’ll just sit about the same way,” I told him. “I like it over here.”

Gerald rested his head against his hand, looking at me. “You don’t like me.”

“What gave you that idea?”

He chuckled at my response. “I’m just wondering what I did to offend you so bad. We’ve only just met.”

I sighed and placed my pen and paper aside. It was obvious that I wasn’t about to do any actual writing any time soon. “You are a bonafide bad boy, and I don’t like bad boys. Especially not the ones that are so stereotypically bad that it’s almost comical.”

A small smirk tugged on Gerald’s lips. “Who told you I was a bad boy?”

“Believe it or not, you’re very well written about. I’ve seen basically every story - ”

“Every tabloid story?” he cut me off. “I feel like, if anyone should know how bullshit those are, it should be you. I’m sure you’ve had a good few written about you.”

“Of course I have,” I said with a shrug. “But there’s a difference between tabloids writing and people confirming. I mean, two of your past girlfriends have admitted you cheated on them, there’s numerous videos of you out partying till the brink of dawn basically every night, and when I walked in you were smoking a joint in a studio that very clearly has a sign stating no smoking.”

He looked amused by my answer, and that pissed me off a little. “Okay then, tell me all those stories are wrong.”

“They’re not wrong, but they don’t automatically made me an asshole.”

I raised an eye at him, silently encouraging him to go on. Gerald sighed and placed his notebook aside as well, sitting forward and looking at me.

“I did cheat on Lana and Ash, I’ll admit that. Fuck, I’ve admitted it so many times I can say the words in my sleep. It was a mistake, both times were mistakes. I was in unhappy relationships and didn’t know how to get out, so I just moved on to the next girl. The girl I was with after Ash, when things started going downhill I left her. End of story, that was it. I’m not proud of what I did, and I’ll never be able to make it up to Lana or Ash for what I did, and I don’t deserve that, but it’s in the past and I’m working to fix that.”

I felt myself soften with every word he said. I was shocked at how mature he sounded. Part of me thought he would just deny the cheating allegations despite them being confirmed by Lana and Ashley themselves. To hear him own up to them, and to say he was trying his best to not be that person anymore, shocked me. I wasn’t sure what to say.

Gerald used my speechlessness to keep talking. “And yeah, of course I like to party. I’m fucking 31! I’ve been doing this shit since I was in my twenties, sometimes I need an escape from the bullshit of being famous, and drinking, smoking, and partying does just that. And, to ease your worried mind, I asked the woman at the desk if it was okay to smoke a little before we started recording. She said it was fine, we won’t get in trouble.”

I sighed as he finished talking. I ran my hand through my hair and slumped back in my chair. “I’m a total dick.”

Gerald smiled and chuckled a little. “I wouldn’t say total. Only partial.”

I smiled back at him, my first genuine smile. When I did, I watched his face brighten even more.

“I’m sorry I judged you before I even really got to meet you,” I told him. “That was beyond stupid of me, I shouldn’t have just assumed you’d be a bad boy because of your image.”

“At least you’re admitting it,” he joked. “I’m fine to move past that. It’s over now, we’ve gotten it all out there.”

I agreed and, being the dorks we were, Gerald and I decided to shake on it.

The writing process went very smoothly after that. We ended up writing two songs as both of us kept coming up with so many lines that we realized they couldn’t possibly fit in the one song. By the time our studio time was up, we had figured out the two songs and the partial beats for both.

Gerald offered to drive me back to my place, which I graciously accepted. The car ride was silent, but it was a comfortable silence. I didn’t feel as tense or angry as I had on my way to the studio. I was glad Gerald and I managed to get along, and I was grateful for the new music partner I had made in the short time we were together.

“This is me,” I said as we pulled up in front of my house. “We’ll have to scheduled another studio day sometime soon. The label is gonna want these songs as soon as possible.”

“Maybe we could figure out a time and a date over dinner tomorrow night?” Gerald suggested.

I looked at him, confused, for a moment, like the naive fool I was. “If we’re both free for dinner, why don’t we just go to the studio then?”

Gerald laughed and rolled his eyes. “I’m trying to ask you out on a date, dummy.”

My mouth opened in mock offense. “Rude! I don’t think I’ll accept your dinner offer now!”

“Fine by me, we have to meet up in the studio anyways. I’ll just ask again.”

He smiled and I felt my heart racing seeing the way he looked at me. I smiled back at him before opening the door to his car. Before closing it, I leaned down to look at him one last time before saying, “Pick me up at 6:00 sharp, if you’re even a minute later I’ll lock my doors and go to bed.”

He laughed and nodded. “It’s a date then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, G.”

[shananigans402]

1-65 will do, please. Thanks fuck face :)

I knew exactly who this was and I was so tempted to not reply, but your punishment is having to read through all my answers and remember them forever or you fail the friend test. To everyone else, please do not click unless you want to be very bored, my answers are not interesting lol

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? Nope

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? Assuming 5 is the most, 1. Maybe 2. 

3. The person you would never want to meet? The person who sent me this (jk I’m excited for our eventual meet up where we hit up a strip club first thing 🙏)

4. What is your favorite word? I answered with ‘conniption’ the other day and still have not found a word I like more.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? Already answered this, fruit tree! I also like palm trees, maple trees, and willow trees. I know that’s not the question, I’m just saying random shit now.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? It took me a long while to remember where I was this morning. I honestly don’t remember, I was rushing to get ready for an early morning meeting.

7. What shirt are you wearing? My Orlando Strong shirt 

8. What do you label yourself as? Lesbian

9. Bright room or dark room? Bright room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping? Possibly checking on a feverish little beeb who was going through it with her second dose of the vaccine.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? No idea. I like various ages for different reasons, but this age so far is not bad. 

12. Who told you they loved you last? Probably my sister 🤷‍♀️

13. Your worst enemy? The person who sent this ask.

14. What is your current desktop picture? The apple pic of Catalina island that changes based on time of day (yes it’s the default, don’t judge me)

15. Do you like someone? Lol yeah I hope so 😂

16. The last song you listened to? Pretty Girl by Hayley Kiyoko 

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? Definitely @raginage

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? I feel like I can only attack Raginage so many times. Can I pick a fictional character? This week I was real mad at Dave in The Darkness. BaBe!​

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? Lol no one, you’re talking to a person who feels very uncomfortable with anyone doing anything nice for them.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) Not this again. Last time I said eyes? Still no pics, sorry

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? What would I look like? Do I get to design myself like a sim? I honestly don’t know what I’d do because I doubt the world needs another clueless white man walking around, so maybe just stay at home. 

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? Nope. And my last answer to this was awful. I do think I have a fantastic ability to annoy my friends but in a way that’s just amusing/endearing enough to make them still want to talk to me 😌

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Unique? Uhm well my two big fears are confined spaces and deep water so a submarine is like my worst nightmare.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. Oh this is going to sound so odd. To be clear, I’ve had better sandwiches, but my go-to is provolone, turkey, roast beef, and spicy brown mustard or whole grain mustard. Please don’t judge me.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? Travel budget for future trips to visit my buds and get into trouble and eat food. I know $100 won’t go far, but it’s something.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Well, after my last answer I want to visit my friends! But there are too many people to visit and I only have one ticket. So change of plans. I’m going on a solo trip to Greece. Or Argentina. Or Iceland. Or Bali. Damn, I’m indecisive. 

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? Rabble red blend. Just a solid red wine. Also because @viola-lloyds stole my answer the other day (Juneshine; to be fair I asked her this question but whatever) and I don’t want to copy her.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Oh I answered this one, something about respecting others. Yeah, a nice rule like that. Want to establish some healthy communication on this island.

29. What is your favorite expletive? It’s still fuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? But what about my PLANTS. Can they count as loved ones? Probably my laptop, I know that’s lame but like...I have a lot of stuff on here. Or the collection of cards I have that my granddad drew little drawings in, I want to get them all framed.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? To be honest, I don’t know if I’d change big life events in case it altered the trajectory of where I ended up. So idk maybe the ending of Bly, let’s give those lesbians have a happy ending!

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Italy! But wait, let’s get back to this sleeping with celebrities and super-powers bit...

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Oh that’s a really tough question. I always wanted to meet my great-grandma Olga because she seemed like a really awesome lady. 

34. What was your last dream about? I can’t remember, this is bothering me because I wish I could! I’m sorry. My gf recently had a dream where I kissed a dude right in front of her. It made us both very uncomfy lol

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? I hate this question because I can only think of one thing.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? For surgery, yeah

37. Have you ever built a snowman? But of course!

38. What is the color of your socks? Not wearing any? I was wearing blue ones earlier. Jfc my answers are so boring.

39. What type of music do you like? Lots! I tend to listen to indie, classic rock, and some pop

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? Sunsets!

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate or a variant (chocolate peanut butter, chocolate caramel)

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) LA Rams or Seattle Seahawks. I know they’re in the same division. It’s tough. (Please don’t ask me why these teams)

43. Do you have any scars? Yep, mostly from burning myself on ovens. I simply get too excited for my food.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? I...have graduated? 

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Well bestie recently said I have “lesbian hands” and I think that’s code for man hands so maybe that hahaha

46. Are you reliable? I try to be!

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? How many more times will I watch The Darkness before I learn my lesson? (Related: When does other bestie finally admit to her fetish?)

48. Do you hold grudges? Not typically, no

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? A dog and an otter? Can we domesticate otters? No, a horse and a large bird, create a pegasus and then free travel.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? Oh god. I don’t even know where to start today tbh. Damie and pokemon and cosycon and looming and feet and [redacted] and developing apps for VP. So many fantastic conversations. 

In real life, probably the time I was at a laundromat in Italy and this guy wandered in with a beer, sat next to me and my male roommate, assumed we were a couple, and proceeded to give us bizarre life advice. I wish I could remember more of it, but it was so odd.

51. Are you a good liar? Hmm I’m okay at it I think, that is, I can convince people I’m serious when I’m actually joking. But I don’t like actually lying if it’s not just teasing someone. 

52. How long could you go without talking? Probably a few days if I had to.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? The haircut I got before studying abroad! It was too short and I was so sad.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? For a birthday? No. For fun? Absolutely.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? Not well, no

56. What do you like on your toast? Butter and/or honey and/or jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? My beautiful depiction of a scene of chapter one of Private Dancer. 

58. What would be you dream car? An electric car of some sort. I don’t know enough about cars tbh

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. Nope but sometimes I’ll play music and dance and maybe softly sing.

60. Do you believe in aliens? Yep! Definitely 

61. Do you often read your horoscope? Almost never unless someone sends it to me.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? Already answered, A

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dinosaurs! 🦕

64. What do you think about babies? What do I think about them? They’re pretty cool. Just tiny little humans. 

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. I was very nice and let you correct your mistake and submit one after the fact:

In your opinion what is the best thing you can cook, like your speciality? My favorite thing to make is pasta, I started making my own sauce and I’d love to make pasta from scratch sometime.

[inthispagewestanikon]

GD scenario - pt1

I decided to divide this into parts because it’d be too long, but I hope you enjoy it :)

After returning  from the military it was well know that Jiyong was taking a break from his career and enjoying life as he pleases. So, like other nights he got ready and went out to drink with his friends.

The bar they met up was very underground and owned by an old friend so he could trust that none of what he did in there would leak to media, which was hungry for News. It was almost 5 am when the group decided to call it quits.

“Ya jiyong-ah, call a taxi” one of the noonas suggested.

“I am not that fuck up, I can drive” He answered laughing.

“Ya, I am your noona, listen to me” She said while jokingly hitting his head.

The others in the group each called a taxi, but Jiying insisted on driving his expensive car home.

“Your manager can pick it up tomorrow first thing, jus take the fucking cab” His hyung said as Jiyong kept walking away towards his car and just waved his hand as an answer.

GD’s POV

I got inside the car and sat there for a while. I was not that drunk, at this point in life I could handle alcohol pretty well, but I was a bit sleepy because also, at this point in life, I’m 30 years old so I can’t handle long nights.

I started the engine and it revved, this car was a precious item I owned and I was just not going to leave it here in this dark ass neighbourhood. I started driving and making my way home, I turned on the radio and was jamming to the song playing when I realized I was driving towards my old house.

“Fuck, I’m still not used to the new route” I cursed while I had to turn around and drive for even longer now.

I used to live at Seongsu-dong  and now I live in Hannam it wasn’t that distant, not when you have a car, specially a fast one like this, butI still had to drive back. I decided to stop complaining and just drive, it was getting lighter outside, meaning the sun was going to rise any minute now and my eyes were getting heavier and heavier. My blinks were longer and I just wanted to get home and sleep the rest of the day.

In order to get to Hannam-dong you need to cross the bridge and I could already see it but I don’t know what happened next because everything just went dark.

I woke up and there sirens all over and those blue lights shinning, I blinked a few times trying to make sense of what was happening, I tried to look down but I had something around my neck that prevented me from doing so, I was laying on a stretcher and it downed on me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck I hit my car...

As my eyes were closed and I cursed myself internally I heard my managers voice and opened them. He was by my side talking to the paramedics but I couldn’t hear much because I was still a bit out of it.

“Ya, open your eyes you idiot.” He said.

“I’m hurt, don’t you think you should be nicer?” I replied while opening my eyes.

“Why didn’t you just take a taxi, I said I’d get the car first thing” He complained “Aigoo, look at you, all hurt, you’re Lucky you only broke a leg” He sighed and walked away to answer his ringing phone.

Now that he mentioned my broken leg I actually started to feel the pain and to be honest, it fucking hurted, I really am an idiot. And, worst than breaking a leg or busting my cari s the fucking press talking about me drinking and driving, for fuck sake. Thank God I didn’t hurt nobody...

I was quickly rushed to the hospital as soon as we heard the press was coming and the whole time inside that ambulance I kept thinking about how annoying it’d be dealing with this, specially for the managing team.

The ambulance stopped at the emergency entrance and the doctors were waiting for me, they pulled the stretcher out and started shinning lights in my eyes and asking me questions, honestly it was hard to process all that, I’m pretty sure I still have alcohol running on my blood system and I haven’t slept.

As I was being rushed to a private room and all those doctors were up on me, one feminin voice suddenly said:

“Can everyone just back off?”  silence “If you keep getting all up on him like this he’ll probably die suffocated” I swear I would laugh at that comment if the “he” she mentioned wasn’t me and my whole body wasn’t starting to ache like a bitch. However, I did silently thank her, whoever she was.

Ji ae’s POV

I was working a double shift today, being a resident is tiring but I did choose this job. I was at the resting room making some ramen after checking on a patient who had heart surgery earlier today when I was paged to the emergency. I left the ramen there and just ran off, I was really hungry and all that went through my mind is that the noodles were going to be all soggy when I come back.

“What happened?” I asked as soon as I got there.

“Car accident. Male, 31 years old, fractured leg and possible concussion” The nurse described. “Ya, apperently it’s a celebrity, a really famous one” She added and I nodded, still thinking about my noodles.

Few minutes later the ambulance pulled up and we went closer to get him out and since news travel fast, everyone knew it was a celebrity and the order was to rush him to a private room in the VIP area.

When we pulled the stretcher out you could hear the gasp coming out of the nurses and doctors mouth.

“Ya, it’s Gdragon” one pointed out and all I could hear was everyone repeating this same sentence over and over.

We entered the hospital and we needed to be quick, so usually we start acessing the patient while he is being moved but since this was Gdragon every doctor wanted to check on him and ask questions and I couldn’t take that anymore.

My day had been hell, I assisted on a heart surgery that lasted over 5 hours and had to stay the night so I could check on the patient plus I had to study for the exam AND I couldn’t eat my ramen.

“Can everyone just back off?” I said loud enough for everyone to turn their attention to me “If you keep getting all up on him like this he’ll probably die suffocated” and then everyone just kind of backed off.

“Ok, so if are not from the neurology team, the GS team or a nurse then you can leave the room” I added and watched as 5 or 6 people left the room. “Alright, let’s get to work” I finished and we all started working.

A bunch of tests were done and his cognitive functions were normal, his heart was fine too, only the leg was broken and his ribs probably hit the steering wheel when the crash happened because there were signs of bruising around that area.

All the procedures were properly done, his leg was casted and we put him under some morfine due to the bruises on his ribcage area, those are going to get really dark and sore by tomorrow. Finally, he got some rest and we could get too.

When I left the room in order to talk to his team they seemed to have found me first.

“Hello! You must be Dr. Jang Ji Ae.” A man approached me.

“Yes, it’s me” I bowed back. “You must be Mr. Kwon’s manager” I said.

“Yes, correct” He smiled “So how’s he?” He asked and I could see some other people behind him, they all seemed older than him but none old enough to be his parents.

“He’s stable. His wounds were easily treatable and he should be fine. Right now he’s under morfine due to the pain, but don’t worry, as soon as he wakes up you can all see him. Also, there were no concussions meaning his cognitive abilities were untouched” After I finished my monologue they all smiled, thankful that he was good.

“Thank you so much Dr” They thanked me and the man who approached me first got closer.

“Dr, could we speak in private, please?” He asked and I nodded.

“Yes, let’s go this way” I showed him the way “Excuse me” I said to the rest of the group after walking away.

I took him to the Dr’s lounge and offered him to seat.

“So, Dr. Jang, you must already know by the blood test results that our Jiyong was under the influence of alcohol when he was driving and since he’s a public figure I’d like to ask you and the rest of the team that treated him to not give any interviews or realease informations regarding his treatment or test results” He politely asked “I already solicited a meeting with the hospital’s director and will ask him the same thing, anyhow, I wanted to talk to you about this so nothing gets released before I can do so” He added.

“Yes, of course. I will call a meeting with everyone that was caring for Mr. Kwon  and will make sure no information is leaked. However, I cannot control the whole hospital, maybe the Director can, but you can count that the team responsible for him will not leak out any sort of information” I stated and he seemed please, not entirely, but oh well...

[freewheelshippin]

FIC: “What Do I Call You?”

There was something so honest about how she hyped the crowd, leaned so forward she seemed like she might leap into a crowdwalk, pointing at her ear until the whole crowd bellowed in their own guttoral harmony. And she smiled so much at her crewmates -- Ranmaru realized he was smiling, too, while she played guitar and accompanied the others’ solos, only breaking from her deep sway with the music to look at them with brightness and joy in her eyes. 

In those moments, Ranmaru understood something he hadn’t before, but it also made him realize that the hunger in him wasn’t being sated so much as it was deepening. 

So! I had some fun writing for the roleswap AU, where I’m the punk rock idol and Ranmaru’s the freelance artist getting some juice from all the love and music.

Not much by ways of content warnings -- lots of eating, a fair amount of alcohol, too, and you know, we utter the word ‘fuck’ a few times.  

Ranmaru swore as he dropped the case on his toe. He could tell immediately that this was one of those jammed toes that would hurt for days from the bruising, especially when he still had half of the city to cross before he could get back home. And what was home? His shithole apartment and limping around while he went on his rounds for the local cats? 

At least the train was empty enough he could sit alone, even comfortably with all his equipment. He was still cross that the live house didn’t have it themselves. Weren’t they professionals? Stupid. The show had sucked, too, with the band spending more time fucking around then putting on the damn show they were paid for, that their fans came out to see, that Ranmaru had put such care into getting the tech just right to enhance. And that one jackass trying to throw hands with anyone in the crowd. Nobody on staff did a fucking thing to kick him out until Ranmaru dragged him out himself, and now he had a black eye and the stink of shitty beer and stale cigarette smoke hanging on him to show for it.

Thirty minutes ‘til his stop. He could listen to some music to smooth over this shitty...everything. He slipped his headphones on, ready to mute the rest of the world and stop anyone from entering his. 

Reiji (12:42 AM) : Iiiiiiiiiit’s dropped!!!!!

What, your balls, Ranmaru thought ruefully to himself, unconsciously clicking his tongue in annoyance. He moved his finger to swipe and mute him for … a week, maybe, from how shitty he was feeling right now, but Reiji was too fast. The link appeared, and Ranmaru hit it, if only to have something concrete to be annoyed with him for. 

It was a preview for a new PV. That’s right. It was technically tomorrow already, the day this content was due, but this was still early. Reiji must have found a leak. Lucky he was such an otaku, Ranmaru never had to go hunting for sketchy files or talk with weirdos he knew he wouldn’t be able to level with outside of the crowd. There was a long windup before the music even started playing, the visuals building dramatic lighting and obscuring anything but their silhouettes, but there was the low fuzz of an amp before it all hit at once. 

Ranmaru didn’t want to admit that his eyes darted right to that flash of turquoise as the lights came up in the PV, because it would mean that he might’ve smiled at just the sight of her. No, it had to be the sound. That clean, driving guitar, that strong bass, it felt like Deep Purple and Iron Maiden, but pushed to be danceable and idol-friendly with synth and a digital drumkit beat Ranmaru could vaguely recognize parts of.  

His toe and face didn’t stop hurting and body didn’t stop aching, but he stopped feeling so mad about it for the minute he watched and listened. There was professional polish there he’d missed seeing at the shitshow that was tonight’s gig, but there was still that rawness there of a good, irreplaceable concert. Something less precise than other idol groups’ practiced, saccharine perfection, but Ranmaru found it more welcoming than any other group he’d seen or worked with. 

The camera cut to a focus shot. Her hair was as bright as ever, styled like she were one of those princely girls from anime, just somehow made real, and she turned to look right at him-- 

Reiji (12:44 AM) : Ranran~~ how are you liking your girlfriend in this one :3c 

Ranmaru actually growled a little. He only realized he had been smiling because of how intensely he frowned at that bastard, barging into his texts --  

Ranmaru (12:44 AM): shut the fuck up and let me watch it. don’t call her that   

Reiji (12:44 AM): Isn’t she doing all the things you like??? 

Reiji (12:45 AM): So handsome! So rock! So passionate!

Reiji (12:45 AM): Feels tailor made for you ;o 

Ranmaru (12:45 AM): I told you to shut the fuck up. go text natsuki if you have to annoy someone

Reiji (12:46 AM): Aww Ranran did the show go bad? :(

Reiji (12:46 AM): But I already did, you know! And I’ve already gotten twice as many sparkly sticker replies than texts you’ve sent me in the past week!!! 

(He had to admit he laughed a little at that. Reiji was probably getting another onslaught as he was typing, his own push notifications as clogged as he was making Ranmaru’s.) 

Ranmaru (12:47 AM): I’m muting notifs since you won’t learn how to fucking shut up 

Reiji (12:47 AM): ohhhh she’s getting ranran’s full attention~! You must really like this preview, huh? I guess it’s true love 

Ranmaru (12:48 AM): WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY   

Reiji (12:48 AM): You’re right, I should, I should be listening for wedding bells! 

Ranmaru (12:48 AM): go make out with your gacha girlfriend body pillow and leave me alone 

Ranmaru (12:49 AM): hypocrite 

He finally muted all his notifications. An hour should be enough to ride it out, he thought as he settled a little into the hard plastic of the seat, restarting the video. The anger from the past couple hours melted away as he watched, uninterrupted, and replayed it with eyes closed as the sound flowed in through his headphones and released the tension in his body bit by bit. 

--- 

The hour ran out when Ranmaru was squatting over an especially runty kitten, eating noisily while the others watched from a couple feet away. Why stray cats could understand him better than anyone else when he said to piss off, he’d never know. He swiped around to turn his notifications back off for the rest of the night before pocketing his phone again. 

“...Oi. Slow down.” He pulled the plate of food away from the kitten. It shook with hiccups as it watched carefully, almost fearfully, before it pounced back onto the food, gobbling it down like it was going to be its last meal. Ranmaru sighed but couldn’t blame the little thing. He dumped out the last of the food, gave the rest of the cats one last look as he stood up to walk away, and he heard the frenzied scratch of their claws against the pavement as they swarmed the plates of food. 

 Maybe it wasn’t so much they understood him as he understood them. To hunger like that, both literally and for something less physical but just as carnal.  

He plugged his headphones back in, listening to the leaked preview a few more times on his way back to the apartment. 

--

He liked this group to begin with mostly because of her. She dressed, talked, and acted more like someone from a band than an idol, and something about that felt weirdly familiar and good. The rest of the group were more unique than a lot of other idols -- you’d expect that from a unit made up of a pack of ragtag international recruits, sure, but it was refreshing how they’d made everything about their presence wholly their own. 

Hers just made the most sense to him. The brashness, the way she talked about music, the way she performed, it all felt like someone who was chasing and understood the same things he did. She even said her music was about giving people power in an interview Reiji’d dug up for him. 

“Beyond language, or the way words reach people,” she’d said in decent but definitely non-native Japanese; she’d grown up some in Okinawa while her family lived on the military base, but mostly shuttled between America and Bangkok before getting recruited by chance here. “I want to give everyone a home that makes them feel strong through my music.” 

He wondered, dimly, as he took a hot shower and stared down at his swollen red toe, if he felt drawn to the group because he wanted that for himself, or because it reminded him why he kept picking up jobs that made him as angry as tonight’s did. 

He went to bed that night with an ice pack balanced on his swollen eye, the frustration more or less passed as he listened to the classic bands that new song reminded him of. 

--- 

He woke up to his phone buzzing, the hold on push notifications finally expired, and he murmured in bewilderment at just how many there were. Not just from Reiji, but Natsuki, too. 

Rather than try and parse whatever the hell happened while he was asleep, Ranmaru just went into the group chat well after he’d gotten himself breakfast. 

Ranmaru (9:28 AM): what the hell happened last night that you had to blow up my phone 

Natsuki (9:30 AM): Maru-chan-senpai! Ah! You’re alive!!!! 

Ranmaru (9:31 AM): I just went to bed is all 

(“Why the hell are you calling me ‘senpai’?” Ranmaru had asked him, and Natsuki had looked at him with those big dopey eyes and earnestly said since he’d been a fan longer, he was naturally Natsuki’s senpai, and any protest Ranmaru made never stuck.) 

Reiji supplied a link without any fanfare, introduction, or goofy dramatics, which almost startled Ranmaru. 

Notice (posted by Ootori Eiichi x/xx/xx): 

We are currently seeking an emergency replacement sound/stage technician for performances at the following dates and locations. Inquire immediately. [PAID] 

Ranmaru stared at the listing, barely processing the lurch in his stomach that came from just reading it. It was for them. That act. The debut mini-tour for that new single. It’d take rearranging his sound editing queue and massaging some deadlines, but he could feasibly make all of those dates and times.

He thought for a moment of doing that sound check, and seeing for himself the electric energy of that live. Of working with that group whose respect for their audience he personally felt, of watching her prepare, having to talk directly to her as she tuned her guitar....

There was the very real possibility that it’d prove everything he believed about them - about her, really, that ethos he was drawn to - was just smoke and mirrors, too. 

Natsuki (9:35 AM): Can you do it, Maru-chan-senpai? 

Reiji (9:36 AM): Ranran, you have to do it. 

Ranmaru (9:36 AM): this is just a listing, just because I ask doesn’t mean it’ll go through 

There was a long pause, where everyone went on and off typing, never actually saying anything, and he frowned. 

Ranmaru (9:40 AM): can you all just fucking say what you’re thinking already 

Natsuki (9:42 AM): You really love their magic and energy, I just wanted to say I hope you do it and get it because your heart wants it! 

Reiji (9:45 AM): Yes, Nacchan, you said it! Ranran, I’ll give you all the free bento you need to keep your tummy full to go do this! 

Ranmaru (9:45 AM): don’t fucking do that, reiji, you’ll just piss of your sister. I’ll buy them myself

Ranmaru (9:45 AM): assuming I even do this 

Reiji (9:46 AM): I really think you should. 

Reiji (9:46 AM): Not because we want the insider scoop. But because when’s the last time you had fun at a live you worked? 

Ranmaru could curse Reiji where he stood. Whenever he stopped fucking around and got to his point, it was always a good one. 

---

He got the job, somehow, after a little emailing back-and-forth and negotiating the contract. Now he was on a train to Yokohama for the first gig, his case packed full, his backpack stuffed with supplies for a week. Comping travel, hotel, and meals was enough to take the job, even if it paid like ass, but it didn’t. The contract was actually pretty decent. They -- or, well, at least that Ootori guy -- were upfront that he’d be worked hard, the hours were going to be long, and there wasn’t going to be much room for rest or leisure. But the pay was good. Enough that if he had a dryspell of jobs afterwards, he’d be okay for longer than usual. 

It was worth it for other reasons, though, he thought to himself, stuffing spare merch he’d gotten in blindbags (and a couple other last-minute buys he didn’t tell the others about) into a bottom corner of his suitcase. None of it was of her, none of it for him. Something felt unprofessional spending this job acting like a fan, but at least there wasn’t any harm grabbing some signatures for friends who never made it to meet-and-greets. 

The single was out properly, now, and so was the PV. There was a section of it he especially liked and had gotten into the habit of watching on train rides, where she broke out of the dance routine to put her arms around her teammates, grin a dumb grin, and kick her legs high. It cut to a different shot of the group in different costumes but perfect sync, and when it cut back to that first shot, she stumbled and fell right on her ass, dragging the others down with her. Still grinning stupidly, and singing through it all. 

She didn’t take many vocal solos. She only had one line in this song to herself, and she was singing with the whole group for this shot. He read in an interview she wasn’t happy with the tone quality of her voice yet -- it needed to be richer, and she still needed plenty of training before it reached what her teammates and audience deserved. 

Ranmaru told himself, as the train was minutes away from the station, that this had to be the last time he watched this video and listened to the song like this. At least for the duration of this job. Every time he watched that shot, as she kept singing and the rest of the group tumbled down with her with the same dumb grin she wore, he knew in his gut the voice she sang in must’ve sounded like the soul of rock. Even if that gesture were directed and performed, there was still something genuine there that reminded him of those moments at concerts that convinced him to walk the path he did. 

Maybe he’d get to see it live. Maybe he wouldn’t. But he had to stop imagining it. She - this whole group, rather - was about to become real, and whether or not everything he imagined would turn out to just be something he made up to deal with his shit, he had a job to do. 

------------------------------------

He had a chance to leave his clothes and belongings in the hotel before heading to the live house. Ranmaru was unsure why this Ootori guy had picked him. He didn’t have an exactly long resume with idol shows, but then again, this was a group that debuted without any typical idol sound. There wasn’t any gimmick to them (Ranmaru wouldn’t call being made up of foreigners much of a gimmick when it came to the music), and they weren’t afraid of reaching into all sorts of genres he more typically worked with. 

Right as he got to the live house, his phone rumbled with back-to-back notifications. 

Reiji (5:48 PM): Ranran~!!! Ganbarimachochho from us! 

Ranmaru wouldn’t deign the attached selfie with a response right now (he was about to work, after all), but he felt himself suppressing a smile. Reiji was sticking his tongue out and making a victory sign, Natsuki further in the background, half-buried in stuffed animals and doing the same. They were going to be streaming the event for special-tier fanclub members like REIJI, which Ranmaru had always harangued him for. If he was a fan, wasn’t it enough to just cheer their hearts out live, enjoy their music, buy a CD and shirt, and feel the energy they had to give that way? 

(He still pored over the behind-the-scenes and advance material Reiji forwarded to him and Natsuki regardless. Sometimes he translated the English from their social media accounts, even. It was satisfying, as stupid as it felt sometimes, to do those little things in between the real shows.) 

He’d never been to the live house before, but it had the same vibes as so many others he’d been to. He found the back entrance effortlessly, where a man with glasses almost took him by surprise. 

“Kurosaki?” he asked. His gaze felt just as intense as all the other communication they’d had over e-mail. 

“Ootori,” he grunted back. 

“You’re early,” Eiichi replied, grinning at Ranmaru. Not that it surprised him in the slightest, but it made him look less approachable and instead even more intense. “Good. I like that in a recruit.” 

Ranmaru gritted his teeth quietly. This guy was going to be an absolute bastard, he could feel it, but at least he seemed like he knew how to run a show. “Don’t say that like I joined your agency. Tell me where the group’s at with setup, and I’ll get started.” 

 Eiichi’s eyes glinted from behind his glasses. He looked too satisfied with himself for Ranmaru’s taste. “I liked how you didn’t beat around the bush when you reached out for the job, and it’s good to see you hold to it. They’re rehearsing in the space, but we still have equipment to unload and cues to sync. You read the notes I sent you, I trust.” 

“All forty fuckin’ pages of it.” Ranmaru left out that he’d actually found it pretty impressive, appreciating the thoroughness and ambition of the show for a smaller group and venue. “Are we going to stand around shooting the shit or are we going to get started working on them?” 

Eiichi laughed at that. Ranmaru wasn’t sure if it pissed him off or made him feel eager to get to work. 

“This way,” he said, showing him to a van stuffed full of equipment. 

------ 

Ranmaru went straight to the live house staff to start doing his work. The master controls were kept in a little room that overlooked the stage. His gut flipped when he first saw them all, rehearsing some specific-looking choreography that needed to adjust to a new stage.  He wasn’t about to let that interrupt work. This was just like any other job, except he liked the performers a whole lot more, and things progressed like any other job. Until she looked dead at him from the stage, calling out. 

“Heeeeey,” she said. “Scuse me, are you the new tech guy?” 

“Yeah.” Ranmaru forced the feeling rising in his throat back down (as much as he could with sheer willpower, anyway). “Whaddya want?” 

“I just wanted to ask your name! We gotta call you something!” 

“Ranmaru,” he answered, hoping dearly that whatever he felt burning on his face was hidden by the dim lighting. 

“Cool, OK. Ranmaru-san,” she continued cheerfully. Ranmaru felt his chest tighten as he heard his name on her lips. “Are we queued up enough that we can do this number with music?” 

“This is the one for the new single, right,” he called back. He took a look at the levels, gain, and so forth as they were and instinctively nudged the knobs where the countless plays of that new song told him to. He’d imagined the vision of its stage presence for weeks. “I’m gonna test out some different settings for the levels ‘n stuff while you do that.” 

She made an expression of surprise as it came on. Delight, even, as she rode out into the following beats. Ranmaru couldn’t help crooking into his own smile, satisfied his know-how just helped that vision become a little bit brighter. She flashed him a thumbs up, then a gesture to pause, still grinning. 

“Can we take it from the top? Five, six, seven, eight---” 

-------- 

Ranmaru had never felt this sort of contradiction. She was restringing her acoustic guitar, from steel to nylon strings, as she hummed and practiced segments of songs, and Ranmaru was adjusting amplifiers and other equipment on the stage nearby. His head swam with the thought and excitement they were sharing the same stage, even just as a tech and pre-show performer, but approaching her felt like being both sides of a magnet at once. 

But that push and pull gave way, eventually, as the guitar finished being re-strung and tuned, and the humming turned into full-on singing. Ranmaru fought desperately to make sure he wasn’t just confirming what he’d already imagined, to just appreciate her live voice on its own merits and flaws. But he could feel in his chest that that character, that quality he’d responded so much to was there, that even with some lacking technical skill, there was still a rich tone color you could only get with passion and the spirit for rock. 

“You doing any solos tonight?” he asked in English. 

“Hm?” She looked caught by surprise. 

Ranmaru answered, already anticipating the question. “I’m half-American. I speak it fluently enough.” 

“Well, shit,” she said with a grin. “That’s convenient for us. I mean, I don’t mind Japanese if it’s easier…” 

“‘Sfine. Do what you want. I won’t complain about the practice, though.” 

She chuckled. “Man, maybe losing our usual guy from the agency was a stroke of good luck.” 

Ranmaru laughed challengingly. “Say that after the show goes well. And you still haven’t answered my question.” 

“Oh, uh. Right. Not really? Why do you ask?” 

“Why not?” 

She took a moment and laughed brightly in reply. Ranmaru could practically hear the insecurity she was covering up. 

“‘Cuz we’re an idol group.” 

Ranmaru gestured and murmured in vague acknowledgement. “You still have less solo lines than everyone else.” 

“Oh, do I,” she replied flatly, going back to her guitar, trimming overhanging strings. “I guess you would know, now that you’ve gotta manage all our sound.” 

“I just think it’s stupid you’ve clearly got your own voice but can’t think of sharing it without hiding behind everyone else’s.” 

She looked up at him incredulously. “Ranmaru-san, right?” 

“...Just call me Ranmaru.” 

“Alright, Ranmaru.” She looked at him again. Somehow when she looked at him dead-on this time, nothing went to mush inside of him. “Don’t fucking talk to me like our group voice isn’t the backbone of everything we’re trying to do.” 

“Nothing’s wrong with your group voice,” he shot back, getting heated. “It’s good. I can feel the soul behind it all, even when you’re rehearsing.” 

“So why are you fucking complaining?” She was still smiling, laying cheer and energy over her growing frustration. “Is there something you wanna say to me about my crew’s voices?” 

“They’re fine!” he barked back, frustrated she wasn’t getting his point. “This isn’t about them! You have something your audience is gonna be lit on fire hearing more of, that’s all!”  

Some eyes were starting to fall on them, but Ranmaru could barely notice them over the way her chest rose sharply and her expression became inscrutible. 

“...how about,” she said, speaking slowly as she deliberately, diplomatically pulled out her words, switching back to Japanese. “You save any notes you have for after the show.” 

“......Sure.” His stomach flipped again, more intensely and more painfully than the last few times. He went back to fussing with the amp, and she laid the pliers she’d trimmed her strings with on it before heading backstage until the show started. 

--- 

The show was electric. Ranmaru couldn’t say he was the right audience for most idol groups -- not so much out of distaste as much as incompatibility, he guessed. The way Reiji and Natsuki would lose their minds over their favorites’ cheerful cuteness or the kindness in their voices, Ranmaru wouldn’t. The fanatical, cult-of-personality devotion some other idols could curate with otaku-types, he didn’t connect with, either. What spoke to him was passion, backed by steely sounds and the sweat behind them; the excitement and fervor of rock and a crowd stinking of sweat; how well you could make someone scream themselves hoarse for that one, shining moment without any care for how sore they’d feel the next morning. 

Maybe it was the adrenaline from earlier, but when he could look away from the tech, he felt that here, too. There was no drum or bass player onstage, but he could still feel the beat thrum through his chest and rumble through his bones until his breath quickened, like he were jumping and dancing with the crowd. There was joy in their teamwork. In how they shaped their bodies together in song and in voice, and pushing and pulling the spotlight until it was something brighter, something shared and tangible between them and the audience.

His eyes fell on her. What should he call her? She had a stage name in Thai, but she was open that wasn’t her given name or anything friends and family called her. “Aroon” was just something she picked so she could wear her heritage proudly. It meant ‘dawn,’ it sounded cooler, more idol-ish than her Western name, which wasn’t a secret, by any means, but he heard her called by so many versions of it, none felt real. 

It only felt so weird because seeing her onstage, he felt far beyond any confirmation bias he could’ve had that the person he’d seen in the PV’s was every bit as real as he’d hoped. He saw someone who didn’t just fit on stage, but relished and grew like a plant in the hot lights burning down on them. There was something so honest about how she hyped the crowd, leaned so forward she seemed like she might leap into a crowdwalk, pointing at her ear until the whole crowd bellowed in their own guttoral harmony. And she smiled so much at her crewmates -- Ranmaru realized he was smiling, too, while she played guitar and accompanied the others’ solos, only breaking from her deep sway with the music to look at them with brightness and joy in her eyes. 

In those moments, Ranmaru understood something he hadn’t before, but it also made him realize that the hunger in him wasn’t being sated so much as it was deepening. 

They got cheered back on for an encore. And towards the end of that last song, Ranmaru watched as she broke choreography to literally lift the one Natsuki was convinced was a fairy, spinning them around as the practiced moves dissolved into joyful chaos. The whole group ended the song arm in arm, sloppily holding mics for each other as they alternately laughed, belted, fumbled, and shouted thank-yous into the audience.

Ranmaru still felt something tug at him as the mic got held in front of her, she grabbed it, and handed it to someone else. Just sing, damn it, he thought to himself. It didn’t matter if it was perfect, it just mattered that it was hers. 

Didn’t she realize she deserved to be adored the same way she wanted the rest of her group to be? 

Ranmaru cut everything as they filtered offstage, staggering and softening the mics as they put them back and let them go. He took a deep, sighing breath in and out, almost like he’d been holding it for the entire concert, as his stomach growled. 

Maybe he should’ve taken some more of Reiji’s bento, after all, and give Natsuki’s cookies another try.  

-------- 

They closed up quickly. With the group no longer bound by rehearsal, takedown went faster than ever, and there wasn’t any meet-and-greet at today’s venue. Ranmaru dimly considered looking at the merch table, but he had a week to do that and had other things to finish with today’s closeup, anyway. 

He could hear the group discussing amongst themselves in English about where to go for a late dinner celebrating a good show.

“I want chicken,” she pleaded. “Is there one of those Taiwanese shops where you can get boba and chicken around here? You know, the kind that comes in a little bag and a toothpick?” 

Eiichi approached them, and she started to repeat herself in Japanese before he asked to interrupt her. 

“We’re all headed to the izakaya two blocks from here,” he announced to everyone. “I’ve already called ahead to reserve the space. Consider it a reward for a triumph of the first show on tour.” 

“But is there chicken,” she repeated in Japanese in mock desperation as she mussed her own hair, fussing it out of the careful styling she’d had it in for hours. 

Ranmaru’s phone buzzed from the notifications he missed, shutting them off for the duration of the show. Mostly from Natsuki and Reiji. He scrolled through the groupchat as they reacted live to the stream and tried to compliment Ranmaru on managing sound so well, though he was sure it couldn’t have possibly made much of a difference for the stream. 

Ranmaru (11:37 PM): it was a killer show, wasn’t it 

Ranmaru (11:37 PM): they’re talking about craving chicken right now. Guess it’s too bad we don’t have a kotobuki bento branch around here. 

Ranmaru (11:38 PM): i could go for a kara-age bento 

Reiji (11:38 PM): Ranran….! 

Natsuki (11:39 PM): Waaaah~! I hope you find some kara-age soon and share it with your shining star! 

Ranmaru immediately locked the phone after that. His stomach somersaulted once more time. He stood by what he said to her earlier, but he couldn’t imagine she’d want to talk after the way things had gone. Better to leave the group to that postshow glow, feed himself, and head back to the hotel. 

--------- 

The room was swimming just a little. Ranmaru blearly looked at his phone, trying to ignore the fact that he’d drank beyond his limit like an idiot. He knew he was like this, so why did he keep downing beer after beer? He’d gotten too used to needing as much as he could stomach to tolerate Reiji’s antics (and, he knew dimly, he was just too used to being able to rely on him once he’d hit his limit). 

She was seated right across from him, because of course she was, but they didn’t exchange any words or even eye contact. She was entirely focused on the rest of the group and the meal itself, laughing loudly between boisterous stories and jokes and devouring whatever snacks she ordered. 

Ranmaru got up. He could make it back to the hotel by himself, probably. Nobody asked as he left, which was how he’d preferred things, right? 

If there was such thing as taking a desolate wizz, maybe this is what it felt like, he thought to himself as he dried his hands on his shirt and left the restroom to step outside. Just for a moment. Just to get some air. 

Eiichi followed him out. 

“Can I help you,” Ranmaru said roughly after Eiichi caught the door behind him. 

“Hardly.” He had the same look in his eye as before. “I thought I’d take the opportunity to say well done.” 

Ranmaru grunted. “You still have six more shows with me. Compliment me when I’ve nailed all of them.” 

“Hm. I’d certainly expect no less. But,” he continued, that grin going places Ranmaru especially didn’t like. “I can’t say that was what I was referring to.” 

Ranmaru looked at him suspiciously. 

“She’s been a tough nut to crack,” he continued. “I’m glad my instincts were right, Ranmaru Kurosaki, your brusqueness and deep experience with music laid her heart bare enough she recognized some changes she needed to make.” 

He didn’t think, and only saw red -- he couldn’t blame the alcohol entirely, but the haziness was enough that his brain needed a moment to catch up to his gut reaction. 

Eiichi laughed, unfazed by Ranmaru’s hands on his collar or snarling expression. 

“Bastard!” he barked. Eiichi’s eyes glinted behind his glasses. 

“I heard your little conversation. Do you not stand by those words?” 

“Of course I do,” Ranmaru snapped. 

“They reached her,” Eiichi cut in before Ranmaru could think of what to say next. “She’s already asking me about extra vocal training before the next recording sessions.” 

“She doesn’t need more training!” He threw Eiichi back, finally letting go. He barely needed any effort to recover, and Ranmaru just glared at him as he kept raising his voice. “And I’m not your for-hire music coach! Is this how you treat all your contractors, you rat bastard of a producer?!” 

He just laughed that laugh of his, making Ranmaru even angrier. “Your passion for music and straightforwardness was evident, even in your initial inquiry. It was just excellent luck your technical skills were just as useful for sending this idol group hurtling towards their fullest potential.” 

“If you want her to reach it, you’d tell her she doesn’t need any extra lessons. You’d just tell her she’s a great goddamn idol the way she is right now,” Ranmaru spat. “Trusting her voice is just what’ll make her into a better one.” 

“I hear some selfish intent in that, Kurosaki.” Eiichi looked like he was burning with excitement. “But that just means I can trust your intentions more than anyone. You speak as someone whose heart’s already been moved. A fan...a loyal follower who desires their success. Perhaps even more than she does.” 

“I’m going back to the hotel.” Ranmaru strode past him, feeling himself burn from top to bottom. He gave Eiichi one last look in the eye. “If you need me before the show tomorrow, find someone else.”  

------- 

The next day and next show went uneventfully. Now that he’d met the group at Yokohama, he was travelling with them in the cars and equipment vans, and he made a point of finding a back seat nobody wanted to share, stretching out, and napping the whole ride. The setup at the next live house was a pain in the ass with their unusual devices and systems, but Ranmaru was quietly grateful to have his hands full. He liked having a good reason for not wanting to talk to (scold) anyone but the live house staff itself. Being irritated they went for weird, cheap models with lower quality helped him double down on the attention needed to make the group shine. They collectively got ramen afterwards. The only words he exchanged all meal were with the one Reiji liked so much, ferrying his ramen order for him when he got frustrated with the shop crowd and left to go wait outside. 

(He’d have to find a way to talk with her later about Reiji. Not just for the autograph -- he opened up his phone, ignoring any notifications that weren’t his work email, and messaged him. 

Ranmaru (9:42 PM): send me a pic of your Mae shrine 

Reiji (9:45 PM): ehh? Ranran, what for? 

Ranmaru (9:50 PM): just send it 

Dutifully, Reiji did. Ranmaru couldn’t have imagined he really had no idea what he planned to do with it, but if he wasn’t just playing dumb, at least he’d be getting one hell of a surprise.) 

It was during the third show that things started to happen a way he could scarcely believe. The show went pretty normally, except for one point where she stumbled badly enough during a complex turn she completely ate shit. But she played it off into something hammy and funny, rolling out of the way of the others, lying like she were posing in a cheesy beefcake calendar while she found the beat again to sing. 

Ranmaru still thought she needed to own up to her lack of courage and just sing more, but putting it like she was a coward was a mistake. He thought dimly to what Reiji had said that had convinced him -- “when was the last time you had fun working a stage like this?” And he wondered if he’d ever had fun onstage like he saw. He might’ve tasted the glory and passion of the stage, the delicious energy of the audience, and the power of rock -- he knew he did, he’d looked an easier, blander life in the eye and felt too desolate to walk that path, even with his inescapable debt. 

But it could be more fun. That audience could feel more, even more connected, that he could smile through mistakes when the performance came from camaraderie as much as passion and soul. Things could be better when they were shared beyond just the respect of an audience and a performer.

He didn’t realize he was smiling as much as he was until his cheeks were hurting, but that was also because he felt hungrier than he’d ever been.  

----

He couldn’t help calculating how many meals he’d be cutting into as the convenience store clerk rang up everything, even though he’d already gotten Eiichi to confirm he was going to expense him the bill and get refunded every cent. 

The show closed late. They had a special meet-and-greet he didn’t need to be around to handle, but none of them had had the chance to eat much outside of some spare snacks. He figured something fast and easy before they could collapse in the hotel would fit the bill. 

She wasn’t there when he went around knocking on the hotel room doors and delivering the goods. Gone out to relax on the roof, they said, and when they offered to hold her food, he said no, he’d take it right to her. 

The sound of the roof door opening looked like it startled her, and he didn’t know what else to do but hold up the bag full of food like a peace offering. 

“Eat something,” he said in English, tossing her a banana from the bag. She caught it before eyeing him up and down, then settled back to the outdoor lounge chair she’d been resting on. Ranmaru took a seat in the one across for her, setting the bag on the ground as he pulled the rest of the food out. She looked hesitant, only speaking until he’d laid everything out, even the drinks.

“...That smells good,” she said in Japanese. “What’s that, kara-age?” 

“I heard you guys were craving chicken.” 

 “I mean, I sure was. Thanks.”

“I told you English was fine,” he said, back to Japanese. 

“My Japanese is fine,” she said, tearing into the banana first. 

“Yeah, but if you’re tired of speaking outside of your native tongue,” Ranmaru started, already feeling himself get heated. “Why wouldn’t you take the chance to just rest?” 

She finished her bite of banana before giving him a look. “...If you insist.” 

They just sat in silence as she ate for a bit. 

“Is there something else you want from me?” she asked. She left half the kara-age and bottled tea.

“...No, not really. I wanted to say sorry for the other day, though.” 

“Ah.” She smiled knowingly, though she didn’t look happy about it. “Don’t worry about it. It sure isn’t the first or last time I’m gonna be criticized in this industry. I can handle it.” 

Ranmaru murmured in acknowledgement, not sure to what end making himself clear to would earn, but he had to, anyways. He stared down the half-full kara-age container. 

“...This is your goddamn food, you know.” He pushed it closer to her. “Eat it.” 

“Oh, you’re sure?” 

“I didn’t have a meet-and-greet that made me miss dinner. Do you really wanna work a tour on an empty stomach?” 

She scooped it up with a knowing ‘hmm’ and a half-smile. After polishing it off, she let out a heavy sigh. 

“You are right, though. I’m being a coward, not singing more.” 

“You’re not,” Ranmaru grumbled. 

“Sure,” she said dismissively. “But I guess I should apologize for getting so defensive. I thought you were just another macho shithead trying to talk the piss out of our group and the voice we have.” 

“That’s nothing to apologize for,” Ranmaru said resolutely. “....when I was in a band, I wish I’d had bandmates who’d do that kinda shit for me.” 

“Oh, shit, what’d you play?” 

“Vocals. Bass. Rock.” 

“Aw, c’mon, get more specific than that. Surf rock? Indie boy shoegaze? Folk punk with a little dash of polka?” 

Ranmaru gave her an incredulous look. “...Oi. Do I look like a polka guy?” 

She grinned widely, looking very satisfied with herself. “I dunno, you never know who’s got a secret accordion! I could see you, maybe you painted half of it, like, red to match that edgelord RPG hero heterochromia thing you got going.” 

Ranmaru grumbled, looking away. She laughed. “....I just like rock. If you had to pull my leg I guess I’d tell you hard rock. Maybe a little alt and prog.” 

“Ooh!” She exclaimed, barely letting the sip of tea get down her throat. “That’s the good shit! Did you ever record anything?”

Ranmaru hesitated. “...Yeah, but nothing that anyone can listen to anymore.” 

She seemed to understand without much more explanation. “...Well. You’re fucking good at the sound engineering side of things. Don’t tell management this -- or well, just don’t quote me on this --  but I like you a hell of a lot more than the guy we were supposed to have from the agency. He doesn’t know shit about how to make music that’s about soul and hype. It’s like, all one level the whole time, you know? Like it’s just sitting at an 8 the whole time, we don’t really get to do stuff like crescendos. Or like, punch someone in the dick by taking it from a three and shoot it to an eleven, you know?” 

“Yeah,” Ranmaru said, throwing a hand up. “What’s with that shit? There’s a bunch of stupid clients I had who were like that. Just one kind of loud, the whole album or concert through. What’s the fucking point if you aren’t gonna make people hear something other than just fuckin’ loud?” 

“Yeah! You get it!” she whooped, before she held her hand out for a fistbump. 

It surprised Ranmaru enough that it took a moment to register. But he smiled a little and pounded it. 

------

“Man-eating momma, steam-driven hammer

Sorts the men out from the boys--” 

She slid her arm around his waist, and he nearly choked on his beer. 

They were at Korean barbecue tonight, their own private room. The last meal, after the last concert, after the last meet-and-greet, after the last frantic merch sales. Ranmaru tried to buy himself a shirt, but instead was presented with a staff hoodie for the tour and a “one of everything” comp for the rest of the merch. They were now safely tucked with other goods he’d gotten signed for Reiji and Natsuki last night while everyone hung out in their big hotel suite. Hotel management made a mistake and upgraded the whole crew to their biggest room with extra cots to fit them all, and they spent the entire post show in a dizzying, joyful, communal haze. Ranmaru even told stories of the embarrassing depths of his groupchat’s devotion to the group and each of their favorites, and everyone took turns recording chaotic, personalized videos for Ranmaru to share later. They fell asleep at a truly stupid hour, and Ranmaru wondered if this is what having sleepovers as a kid felt like. 

“Takes no messing, all-in wrestling

Is one of her pride and joys” 

Ranmaru recognized the words as she pulled him closer, swaying after slamming her beer to the table. Maybe less the tune, since that was being yelled more than sung. 

“She's a classy, flashy lassy

Imitation sapphire shine-- c’mon, dude, you know!” She looked at him expectantly. She was very, very flushed, and at this point, he had to be, too. 

“We’re not at a karaoke bar!” he barked. 

“Where’s all that ‘you gotta sing more, fuckass’ energy now, huh,” she said, lowering her voice so much to mimic that Ranmaru briefly questioned if this is what he sounded like to her. 

“....Fine! If you’re gonna sing it, actually fuckin’ sing it, don’t just yell!” 

“Oh yeah,” she said with what passed for a shit-eating grin with her. “Then show me, partyboy. Hey, everyone, meet my new vocal coach! Hold onto your dick, folks, he better fuckin floor you with all the shit he’s been talking --”  

Ranmaru looked at her a moment as she kept ranting, first with incredulity, then with a weird surreal awe. What the hell was happening?  

Why the hell should he bother questioning it? 

“-- Two-faced liar, full of fire

But I know the flame is mine!” He cut off her rant, singing as much as he could like this were a stage. 

She -- and a bunch of other staff at the table -- whooped and cheered and laughed, but she and only she joined in with him without a care in the world. “Rocka Rolla woman for a Rocka Rolla man

You can take her if you want her

If you think you can--” 

He let the arm that’d been just awkwardly dangling behind her wrap around her shoulder. He felt warmer than he’d ever had, burning all the way to the tips of his ears. 

“Rocka Rolla woman for a Rocka Rolla man

You can take her if you want her you can!” 

They hung on the last note of the chorus -- she hung on comedically long before dragging them both up to bow while everyone else clapped, laughed, cheered. A server came, yelling that they had an order of grilled beef up. Eiichi, from the other end of the table, gestured that he’d ordered it, but passed it down until it sat in front of Ranmaru. 

-------- 

They had an overnight bus trip to get back home -- or close enough to home, anyways, Ranmaru still had another long train ride waiting afterwards, so he’d planned to sleep the whole bus ride. 

But she wound up sitting next to him, and even if he could pretend like that didn’t make his heart thump now by itself, she was chatty. 

He didn’t mind the conversation, though. They mostly talked about music, sharing concert stories and albums. He even talked a little about what he wanted to do now in between all the freelance work, and when she wished him luck and couldn’t wait to hear it, he didn’t feel like she was just blowing smoke. 

There came a pause while she downed a bottle of tea. 

“...I meant it when I said there’s something in your voice the audience oughta hear,” he said, looking at her intently. 

She laughed uncomfortably after she swallowed. “Thank you. I’ll…..I guess I just have to go for it, huh.” 

���What’s stopping you?” 

“I...hm….” She paused in intent thought for a while. “Well, for one, the technical control isn’t there.” 

“Yeah, but you’ll improve that by doing it.” 

“Yeah, yeah. But there’s more than just that, I guess.” 

“Like what.” 

“...Well, you know how this industry is. It’s…hard. Finding the balance of what you’re good at, what people want, and what the higher-ups think they want. I don’t think I’m anywhere near figuring that balance out...”

“Forget all that.” Ranmaru looked at her very seriously, shifting in place so he could look her in the eye a little better. “Don’t worry about any of those things.” 

She laughed disbelievingly. “Okay, sure, lemme just. Throw out my job description while I’m at it. Dude, the whole point of this job and this work is to make other people happy.” 

“I was happy hearing your voice just as it was that first day. You just. Sang the way you wanted to. I liked that. It felt good. Genuine.” He took a moment to recall the words he found at the beginning of the tour. “...You like it when people connect with your group’s voice ‘n adore your groupmates. So let ‘em adore you some.” 

“Oh, cuz I’m so adowable,” she joked, laughing as Ranmaru scowled. 

“I mean it. I….” he started. “...The audience is going to be better for hearing more of you. Whatever that means.” 

She thought about that for a moment. “...I...you know. I don’t think I’ve ever asked myself what that looks like. Or let myself realize it, anyway.”

“You can handle the criticism if it comes. If that’s something you’re scared of.” 

“...Maybe it is. Thank you, Ranmaru, I’m going to think about that and kick everybody’s teeth in the next time we record.  

“‘Snothing,” he murmured, but he felt like his heart was going to soar out of his chest, and later, as they both nodded off and slumped over each other as the road stretched on, he realized he felt sated in a way he couldn’t remember being. A weird sort, that took away the pang of hunger, but made him feel it more deeply through his whole being. 

---- 

When he arrived ‘home,’ it was lunchtime, and he was too dazed, hungry, and tired to weather one last long walk home without some food in his stomach. It was on the way-- he may as well go to Kotobuki Bento and make Reiji make good on the free bento offer. 

(His sister rang him up, and Ranmaru paid up.) 

Reiji found him after the meal, and he wound up heading to Reiji’s room. To give him the merch, theoretically, but after Reiji earned enough grouchy monosyllabic replies, he brought something that sounded like an actual question. 

“...So, Ranran, while you were away…” 

“Just say it,” Ranmaru muttered, eyes too tired to focus. “I’m too fucking tired for you to take the long away around.” 

“Nattsun’s friend wants to join our little fanclub!”

“....And.” 

Reiji shrank a little, speaking more sheepishly. “The thing is...we mentioned you and....he’s pretty sure you two already know each other and you’d want nothing to do with him.” 

Ranmaru hazily tried to recall who that could be. There were too many people whose guts he hated for him to figure it out by himself. 

“Who is it,” Ranmaru growled tiredly. “Just fucking say it.” 

“Does...Hijirikawa ring a bell?” 

It did. Ranmaru fumed in silence for a moment, thinking about the whirlwind of disaster that name was attached to, but also the vague memories of that quiet, serious boy in traditional dress who fretted after him when they were too small to know of things like debts and bankruptcy...

“...Whatever,” Ranmaru muttered. He looked at Reiji’s bed and decided he wasn’t going to tolerate any more of this exhaustion -- he had a reliable neighbor to leave food out for the cats, anyway, what was a couple more hours? “It’s not really much of a fanclub if it’s just the three of us. He can join if he wants. It’ll give you ‘n Natsuki someone who’s better at responding to your crazy nightlong gushing than me.” He tossed the dakimakura on Reiji’s bed, dented in the middle from so much hugging, to him, before he shrugged closer into his staff tour hoodie and slumped into Reiji’s bed. 

He could practically see Reiji stammering, even as he turned away and settled into the comfort of eyes closed and a real bed. Clearly, that wasn’t the answer he was expecting, and it wasn’t the one Ranmaru was expecting to give, either. 

“-- R...Ranran, you really--” 

“Yes! What the fuck wasn’t clear about what I said! Masato can join! Go add him already! Just let me sleep, you noisy bastard!” Ranmaru barked one last time at Reiji. 

Ranmaru ignored whatever last jabbering Reiji had for him, already carried off to proper sleep. He wondered what he could possibly dream about that would rival the past week and this satisfying feeling, cradled in his new hoodie.  

(I perform semi-professionally -- not as an idol, mind, but I’m still getting up on a stage/camera to entertain people on the reg -- and it was so weird but also really......doki-inspiring, let’s say, to imagine Ranmaru being a fan of my stage bravado :’’’’’D To be honest I’ve been feeling a little discouraged and burnt out by it lately but this really refilled my tanks!!!) 

[unsettledink]

Back in the days of LJ, I used to try and do a post at the end of each year, looking back primarily at fandom and fic. I fell out of the habit when everything moved to tumblr, and then it seemed like I didn’t have anything to say since I wasn’t writing or really participating any. 

But I always liked the idea of it, because I love to be overly reflective on stuff. And talk about my fic. Any excuse! I shuffled around some of the topics I used back then and added a few I’ve seen around that I liked. It got… long, because I TALK, so I split into two sections. 

*

Your main fandom of the year? 

    Marvel (MCU) for sure. Primarily with characters from Spider-Man and Iron Man movies.

Your favorite film watched this year?

    The Old Guard - I saw a couple trailers and everything about it looked like catnip. ‘It’s probably going to be so dumb, but I don’t even care,’ I thought. And then it was so good. It was so much fun and so much smarter than I expected and I loved each and every character and it just made me happy in so many ways.

Your favorite book read this year?

    Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston - I read it twice this year actually. It’s so… cute isn’t the right world. Sweet and hopeful and soft and comforting and intense. I liked every single character which is pretty rare. I cried during the sad parts and then again at the happy ending, like straight up sobbed - both times. I already want to read it again.

Your favorite tv show watched this year?

    Schitt’s Creek - I started it on a whim and because a lot of people had said it was good. The episodes were short so it wasn’t a huge time investment. The first season was a little rough, but there were enough funny moments that I hung on, and then… I kept getting fonder and fonder of these idiots as they grew. And THEN… it kept not disappointing me? 

     You grow to expect certain scripts, twists, jokes, especially in queer story lines. To wait for the bad thing to happen, because it always does. Instead, Schitt’s Creek kept going, ���hey, here’s the set up for that! Guess what? We’re not doing it. Here’s the happy version instead.’ The relief of having that happen again and again - the last season I’ve watched (I’m sort of saving 6) I cried a bunch but it was always because I was happy. 

Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?

    1896 - I’ve been waiting for the new Steam Powered Giraffe album so eagerly for aaaaaages. Finally getting recordings of Zero’s songs! Lying Awake remains my favorite off the album, with Eat Your Heart and Bad Days on the Horizon high up there as well. I’m loving what Zero brings to the band.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?

    I don’t know if I really did discover that much? I stuck pretty closely to old fandoms and the ones I picked up in 2019. Maybe Zodiac? It was definitely inspiring, and I want to write and read more in it. 

    Maybe the couple discords I joined? I still really dislike discord and am not on there much, and mostly lurk when I am, but having somewhere vaguely like the comms I remember makes me feel a little less isolated. It’s the potential, that maybe if I said something I might make a friend, or someone might actually want to hear what I say. 

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

    The Watch - I mean, I knew it was going to be a disaster with every word said during pre production. I wasn’t ever going to be happy with it. And then it came out and was even worse and uglier and … disrespectful not just of the source material but of actual people connected to Terry. I’m beyond disappointed that this is what we got, and it’s probably going to be a long time before we get anything else. 

    Devil All the Time was terrible, but I didn’t have especially high hopes. It still didn’t manage to meet them. Yikes.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

    Maybe MASH? Someone I follow started talking about it and I was reminded all over again of the wonderful fics in that fandom. I went looking and a lot are gone (still on my computer, lol, but not online), but rereading was such a trip. A slightly depressing trip, but still. 

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

    Hmm. I’ve kind of not had the energy to invest in other fandoms at the moment? When The Witcher was having it’s big moment back in January, I had a feeling I might enjoy it enough to fall headfirst into the fandom, so I avoided watching it. Ikr? I don’t have the time or the energy to actively seek anything out. 

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?

    SO EXCITED about Winter’s Orbit. I mean, the third Spider-Man movie for sure, with worry. The second Venom movie, ugh yes. I have tentative hopes for Jungle Cruise? Jumanji was stellar and I always enjoy Dwayne. I have both hope and dread for the new Suicide Squad - I did love Birds of Prey, so if it’s along those lines, yay. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard because it should be some fun garbage, my favorite kind. I don’t know how I feel about Dune, but, uh, I’m anticipating it. It seems highly unlikely it will actually happen, but The Wheel of Time TV series. 

I want to be excited about Black Widow but it’s hard. It’s not the story I’ve been wanting to see, and I’m angry about Natasha not getting a movie until she’s dead.

You know. If any of it is released for real.

The Good: 

I moved to a better place. I got a better paying, better benefits, better environment job that lets me work from home. The house acquired 3-7 more cats depending on the month. I was able to get some serious problems on my car fixed. I have insurance and was able to start on some health stuff. No one I know got sick or died. I wrote a LOT.

The Bad: 

Aside from the obvious? Depression hitting extra hard during the winter. Having to put two kittens to sleep. Have my car be hit three times in our parking lot. Being driven INSANE by one of the cats for months while the vets were all closed. Kidney stone. Dealing with several health problems. Stalling for months on Gotcha.

The Indifferent: 

Not leaving the house often or easily. Enjoying a new fandom but not doing great at making connections (still real awkward, bud). Raising kittens and saying goodbye. Need new tires. Reading a lot of fic but not a lot of books. Having more pay but more expenses as well (wth insurance??). 

*

2020 fic stats

Number of stories: 39

Number of fandoms: 6? Or 2, if you cluster the others under mcu

Total number of words: 152049

Average word count per story: 4kish

Longest fic: Causality (18k, P/Q)

Shortest fic: Can’t, Won’t (1k, P/Q)

Most comments received: Sieche (49, T/P)

Fandom you wrote the most of: MCU Spider-Man - I only wrote TWO fics that didn’t feature that fandom, wow. And one of those was still MCU.

Fandom you wrote the least of: Zodiac (1!)

Events you participated in: Marvel Trumps Hate, Kinktober, IornspidersGeorg Exchange, Starker Festivals Exchange, MCU Secret Santa, Spiderio Big Bang

*

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

    SO MUCH MORE OMG. I mean, even just counting posted stuff! (I probably wrote a solid 300k of Gotcha this year.) I did not expect or plan on doing Kinktober, so that’s a whole 31 fics right there. I also wasn’t planning on doing any exchanges - I have a History - but then I did three? And beyond that, I did not expect for everything to get so LONG.

Topic you wrote that you would never have predicted in January:

    Tony/Quentin. Goddammit @the-me09 They were like hey, they could be interesting! And while I agreed, I had no ideas for them. THEN they had to go and write Just Bodies That Collide and next thing I know, I’ve got ten fics featuring them and two-six series focused on them or Peter/Quentin/Tony. What the fuck. 

Leitmotif of the year:

    Vulnerability, I think. I had a bunch of things typed up and they all circle back to vulnerability in the end; sex, being seen, being wanted, sharing trauma, asking for help, trying something new. Offering a soft spot in the hopes it won’t be hurt. 

Favorite character to write about: 

    Tony Stark, for sure. There are just a bunch of slightly different takes, and a lot of canon to work with (kind of frustrating too though). And I’m a sucker for emotionally damaged snarky traumatized characters that are viewed poorly both in universe and out. 

Favorite kind of fic to write:

    This year? Fluff and smut combined. Maybe that’s not the right term really. I keep looking for and writing, even in the angstiest fics, for those soft moments. Sure, maybe it’s a super smutty kink scene, but I want the affection to be obvious. Maybe everyone is consumed by guilt, but I want it to be based in caring too much. Maybe there’s no real love, just sex and even that’s messed up, but I want to find that tiny bit of fondness. 

    And I want happy endings. Or endings that look like they’re going to be happy, at least, even if there’s all the angst first. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone this year? Who AM I? 

Biggest disappointment:

    Not finishing the rough draft of Gotcha. I was making such good progress in 2019, from August to December. Even after the move, I basically finished part 6 in January. I fumbled around and fussed with 1 a lot, but that had already been given one draft, really, and I got through half of 4 before I slowed to a stop. I’ve barely gotten anything accomplished on it since June. Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing significant, not like I was doing. I can excuse October, due to 80k invested in Kinktober (yikes!), but aside from that… I’m sad. I’ll finish it eventually, but I really thought I could have the first draft done in a year. I’m sitting at about 480k out of what I’m almost certain will be 700k. 

Biggest surprise:

    Kinktober! It was kind of spur of the moment, decided just a week in advance. I’ve tried month long or even like, 20-25 day long challenges and I don’t think I’ve ever completed one. I thought there was a good chance I’d do so again, so I gave myself a little help and made my own list of prompts, things I knew I liked and hadn’t done much of yet. And it worked? I actually completed it, what the hell? Despite spending five days travelling near the end! Despite falling behind in getting ahead and writing a bunch of stories the day they were to be posted! Despite apparently forgetting how to do short form! 

    I, uh, could have done without the spawning of eleven series or sequels or continuations jfc WHY SELF.

Something you learned this year:

    Ideas breed ideas. I swear to god, the second I sit down to think through a current idea, I wake up the next morning with three more. 

    Words need to be restocked. I need to consume new - not rereads, not fic - content every so often to refresh my word bank. It is astonishing how quickly writing goes again after I’ve done so.

    I can write so much more than I thought I could. I can do so much more than I thought I could. Yes, I can complete challenges without dropping out early. Yes, I can do exchanges and not regret it. Yes, I can write more than 100k, more than 200k, more and more - and I can write 10k+ easily too. Though I wouldn’t mind if I could once again write less than 10k without feeling like I’ve cut off in the middle. 

    My time is shrinking, and if I want to write as much, I’m going to have to make the time. I can’t rely on three days off a week, on seven hours of uninterrupted overnight shifts, on hyper focused writing binges that leave everything else around me on fire. 

Most memorable comment: 

    So, so many! I can’t pick one. I’ve been really lucky to get a bunch of really detailed, enthusiastic, analyzing comments across all different fics. One of the types that always sticks with me are the ones like ‘I didn’t think/know I liked this ship/kink/twist, but fuck, apparently I do? You made me, what the hell?’. 

What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

So with writing Gotcha but not posting until it’s done, my view of what I’ve written vs anyone else’s is extremely skewed. I’m sitting here thinking, hey I’m 400k in and got another 10k done today, so much writing! While anyone looking at my AO3 account (for most of the year) is like, you’re averaging three months between fics :(

    All that to say I want to try and get something posted more frequently while I’m working on Gotcha.

    Also, writing for kinktober was really interesting - pushing myself to write every single day, often for that day’s post, forced me to get back into shorter form fic. Which used to be all I did? But it was surprisingly hard to just stop and not write more. So I’d like to challenge myself to write more fics under 10k at least. Maybe even under 5k though that might be asking a lot lol. I might get there with the many continuations of those fics I’d like to do. Does that count?

Goals:

   I want to hit 365 fics. :) I’m only 32 away!

    Aside from writing - 

    I’ve really enjoyed the reading record sideblog I started this year. I’ve let it lapse a little the past month or so, but I’d like to keep it going strong. 

    I’d like to leave a lot more comments. I want to get better about allowing imperfection - I want to write The Best Comment, but in the end? Probably 90% of fic writers are going to be happier with a comment expressing enjoyment in any way over no comment at all. 

And not just on fics, but on general posts as well. It’s hard not to feel… weird and stupid and invasive and rude leaving any sort of comment on someone’s post if I don’t know them at least a little. I have godawful rejection sensitive dysphoria and a lot of interactions that ended poorly; I’m really not good at people. But as dumb as it feels to say those things, I know I am thrilled and warmed and happier when there’s a reblog with tags or a note or a comment or an ask or just, any small interaction that shows someone out there notices and cares, at least a little. There’s no reason I can’t at least try to offer that to other people. 

    I’d like to make/run a couple challenges of my own, later in the year. I’m still figuring out what I want to do and what I could do. I’m really interested in doing something that’s not focused on creators, but the readers; some sort of comment or rec challenge maybe.

    I want to find a cheerleader for Gotcha. I’m struggling to keep up my motivation to write it when it’s already in my head, where I can ‘read’ it any time. There’s a line between depending too much on external validation and trying to generate all your validation yourself, and I’m getting to a point where I think I need to ask for help (gasp! The hardest thing EVER). 

*

(Part Two: Pick Some Fics)

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 46

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.4k // 4.7k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: sex was vanilla but i liked it idk lol! i know the Horan & Rose event was in may i just changed it a bit for the story and pushed it to july. this goes downhill from here, sorry :X

PLEASE, i would love to know what you think about Louis and Olivia’s relationship/friendship or what you want to happen or expect to happen to them. he’ll be a LOT more present in the next few chapters so i really need to know.

requests for this chapter! (i suggest you dont read them if you dont want spoilers for this chapter)

Chapter 46 : His chapter

NIALL

After the evening at karaoke, we jumped in my car and drove away. I kept glancing at her, enjoying the large smile on her face and somehow, it made me happy just to see her happy. I watched her hair dance around her face from the wind coming from her window and she moved her purple and pink heart-shaped sunglasses down on her nose, making me smile more.

"No one wear those unironically, by the way." I pointed out just to tease her.

"I do!"

"And it's dark outside." I added, raising my eyebrows.

"I wear them for the style."

She turned to me and sent me a huge smile, making me chuckle and shake my head. I had a hard time to admit it to myself but i was happy with her and I wanted to spend every single minute of my free time with her. The fact that it was mostly what I used to do before we started dating hit me and It made me think of what Louis had said when we met at the bar right after Liv told me how she felt. The only things that really changed was holding hands and having sex... and everything else.

"So where are you taking me?" she asked, moving the window up as we got on the highway.

"You'll see."

"More or less romantic than the gift you gave me this morning?"

I laughed again and licked my lips, glancing at her.

"Cheesier than romantic." I let out after a while.

"Am I gonna like it?"

"Definitely."

The rest of the ride was short enough and when I parked, she started laughing before turning to me again. I loved the way her eyes shined and realizing that I wanted to spend the night cuddling her more than spending it shagging it proved me that I was in it very very deep. I held my breath at the thought and swallowed. She didn't notice and just chuckled before getting out of the car to reach the door. I blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the scary thoughts running in my head, and finally followed her, my eyes roaming on the lodge Harry had rented a few months ago. She stopped in front of the door and stared at me as I unlocked the door and finally pushed on it. Instead to walk in, she waited until I turned to look at her and sent me a fond smile.

"Why did you bring me here, Niall?" she asked in a low tone, tilting her head slightly on the side.

"I know we had fun here, thought it'd be cool to rent it again, spend a few days, just you and I this time." I shrugged as I watched her raise her eyebrows.

I sighed and raised my nose up before shaking my head.

"I just thought we had a few weird memories together here and maybe I want to change them. Maybe I want to make love to you in every damn room and watch the fucking stars all night laying  outside in the backyard. With food and wine and a stupid fire." I stared at her a few seconds and sighed again. "I love you, I just want to make you happy."

Her lips curled more and she moved closer to me quickly, getting on her tiptoes and cupping my face. I closed my eyes when her lips pressed against mine and felt one of her hands slip in my hair. I remained motionless until she got back down on her feet but she didn't say a word. She walked inside and I just followed her, closing the door behind us.

I watched her as she took her sunglasses off and put them on the kitchen's table as a bunch of memories rushed to my brain. It was only a few months ago but it felt like it's been forever and watching her in this kitchen again made something in my stomach twist. I got out of my thoughts when I realized she had taken her shirt off and was doing the same thing with her pants but I decided not to move to just enjoy the view.

"The first thing we did when we got here was to jump in the pool in our underwear." she pointed out, taking a step my way and leaving her clothes on the floor. "I had kept my shirt but not today. You were only in your boxers though."

"Oh you remember that?"

"Clearly and vividly." she added, making me smirk. "I remember masturbating to that sight."

The memory of catching her masturbating came to my mind and I felt my whole body throb. I tried to push it away but the next memory that came to my mind was when I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Harry and her completely naked and wet on the side of that same pool and it made me hold my breath. I didn't want to tell her I saw them simply because I didn't want to talk about the relationship she had with him. All I wanted was to spend time with her. Maybe I shouldn't have brought her here, maybe it was a bad idea and maybe i'd spend my time remembering her with Harry but I would try not to.

It was not like me to think about that kind of things or be jealous about ex lovers but when it came to Olivia, I barely recognized myself and it wasn't new. All the weird reactions I had had here when we spent the weekend with our friends were the proofs that even before we started dating, I had reactions that really didn't fit with my personality.

"Come on." she added with a head movement. "Let's go."

I noticed she had placed her arms around herself, hiding her stomach and I wanted to tell her not to do that but she left too quickly and I watched her get in the pool slowly before taking my shirt and pants off too and leaving my shoes and socks by the door.

Instead to walk down the stairs to join her, I decided to just throw myself in the water. When I came out, I smiled at her as she pushed her wet hair away from her face.

"You think you're funny mm?" she asked as I tried to move closer to her.

"I'm hilarious." I let out, making her chuckle.

"Admit it." she started as I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer. "The cheesy thing you had planned was to watch the stars."

"Oh congrats, such a clever girl, pretty sure I mentioned that only a few minutes ago." I joked, rolling my eyes with a smile.

"The lodge was just an excuse. You could as well have brought me camping."

This time I grimaced and her laughter came to my ears in a sweet melody. I didn't want to stress about the future, I was a man of the moment and that's all I wanted to focus on. I knew these doubts and questions would come back eventually, they always seem to, but not today.

"I almost did, I admit." I finally said. "Because i do want to watch the stars with you until morning. But i'm not against a good and warm shower tomorrow."

She laughed and my amused smile turned into a fond one and she smiled back before to move her chin up. The sky was dark and when I glanced up too, I noticed the incredible amount of stars shining from the sky. Her lips curled more and I licked my lips as she was staring up.

"I just want you to have a perfect birthday."

It took her a few seconds but slowly, she looked back down and her eyes found mine.

"It is, Niall." she whispered, bringing both her hands on my cheeks. "It's perfect."

                                                   ---

I knew that only using a blanket wouldn't be comfortable so I brought a small mattress and a few cushions outside, near the campfire. It took me a bit too long to actually start a fire but when I finally succeeded, I sat with my knees up and my legs spread and it only took a second for her to move between them. I wrapped my arms around her and she leaned her head back on my shoulder, her gaze once again turned up to the sky. Her hair was still damp and a shiver crossed her body as she shook against mine. It only made me hold her tighter and she sighed again, a cute smile gracing her face.

"I just want this forever." she let out in a low tone as I felt her hand on one of my thighs. "You and me together and nothing else."

I remained silent but held my breath without really realizing it. I could feel the warmth of her body on mine, I could feel her hair tickling gently my neck, I could smell her shampoo, the mix of honey and vanilla invading me... and I wanted to tell her that it's what I had planned, too. I wanted to tell her that spending my life with her was not scaring me, that it was exciting me, making me impatient and overjoyed... but I remained silent. I didn't know how it make me feel other than fear and some bad stomach twisting.

"Do you remember how we always used to get on top of my roof and watch the stars?" she finally wondered in a sweet tone.

I felt her hand squeeze my arm gently and I smiled at the memories.

"I do."

"And sometimes you'd bring your guitar and play for me." she added quickly.

"I brought it." I let out, staring at the flames of the fire near us. "And there's a song I want to sing to you."

She moved in my arms and turned slightly to look at me better. After a while, I gave in and looked at her, my eyes roaming on her face. I hadn't really planned to play her my new song, I thought i'd wait until it was finished, but at that exact moment, I really wanted her to hear it. I wanted to bring her into the process of my writing and my music and I was not sure why.

"Go get your guitar!" she urged me with a smile, her eyebrows raised.

I chuckled and quickly got up, running to the car to get it and grabbed the sweater I left on the backseat at the same time. When I came back, she was laying down, her arms under her head staring up at the stars. I stayed motionless a few seconds just looking at her and when she noticed me, her lips curled more and she sat up, turning my way. I handed her my sweater as I sat in front of her and she thanked me before putting it on. I had this fascination with her wearing my clothes and I bit my bottom lip for a few seconds before clearing my throat and letting my fingers run on the strings.

"Okay tell me everything." she asked, moving her legs up and wrapping her arms around her knees. "What's the song about? Are you thinking about a solo career?"

"Maybe." I asked, raising my eyebrows, a bit unsure of her reaction. "What would you say?"

"I'd say you're the most talented person I've ever met and that you should totally go for it."

I chuckled, raising my nose up. "You're a bit biased."

"I'm not." she shrugged, leaning her chin on one of her knees. "I can recognize talent when I see it. You just also happen to be my best friend and the love of my life."

She shrugged again and I smiled more before nodding.

"The song is about you, but also not really." I tried to explain as she frowned. "It's a concept song, but I also wrote it thinking about you and how... i'd feel without you."

She stared at me a few minutes and tilted her head, squinting a bit before licking her lips. I knew she was curious and I knew my words didn't really make sense but after a while, she pressed her lips together and nodded.

"You know, you don't have to write about me." she pointed out in a low tine. "I don't want you to feel like you have to write songs about me if you don't feel like it."

I felt my heart melt a bit at her words and bent closer to her, raising my eyebrows.

"I want to." I let out just as low. "I have to. I can't help it."

She ended up nodding again after a while and I tried to focus on my fingers as I started singing.

"Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air It's hard

Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running 'round It's funny how things never change in this old town So far From the stars

And I want to tell you everything The words I never got to say the first time around And I remember everything From when we were the children playing in this fairground Wish I was there with you now

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you Mmmmm

I saw that you moved on with someone new In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you It's so hard So hard

And I want to tell you everything The words I never got to say the first time around And I remember everything From when we were the children playing in this fairground Wish I was there with you now

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

And I know that it's wrong That I can't move on But there's something 'bout you

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you Mmmm Everything comes back to you Mmmm"

When I ended the song, all I could hear was the thumping of my heart against my chest. I looked at her and she looked back at me in a way I couldn't decipher. I hadn't realized before this exact moment how desperate I was for her approval and how much her opinion meant to me. She let go of her knees and crossed her legs. Her hands were hidden in the sleeves of my sweater that she was wearing and she glanced down before quickly looking up in my eyes, licking her lips.

"Which parts are about me?"

I hadn't expected this question and instead to enumerate all the parts of the song that I wrote thinking about her, I let out the only thing that felt completely true to me.

"'Everything comes back to you,'"

Her traits softened and she sent me a small smile, blinking a few times.

"I'll never leave you, I hope you know that. I'll never find someone new. It was always you, Niall, and it will always be you."

                                                 -----

Most of july had been quite warm and now that it was almost over, I tried to enjoy it as much as I could. I was about to get into recording a few songs, working on an album and promoting it. Still, I had wanted to work on the Horan and Rose event even if I knew I was about to be very busy. For the very first time, I had brought Olivia as my official date, which was not something very usual for me or for her, but I had insisted a bit and she had given in.

It was late when we got back and maybe we had drank a bit more than intended but still not enough to be drunk, just to be slightly tipsy. She laughed at all my jokes and for some reason, it made me feel good.

"Although very beautiful, that dress is fuckin' uncomfortable." she admitted as we stepped foot inside. "And the shoes are even worse."

It had taken her an eternity to pick a dress even if I thought she looked amazing in every single one she tried on.

"You're such a softie." I joked with a laugh.

"A girl has the right to enjoy her sweatpants, can't she?"

"Such a hypocrite!" I laughed again. "You love when I wear a suit!"

She smirked and turned to me, taking a few steps my way as she nibbled on her bottom lip.

"I do. And when you wear sweatpants too. Oh, and golf pants, they help showing how incredible your ass is."

I laughed again and bent down to press my lips against hers.

"I'll remember that." I winked, making her chuckle.

"As if you didn't already know that!"

I watched her get upstairs and quickly followed her. My hands found her waist as soon as I reached her and I bent down slightly to kiss her neck. I would rarely see her with her hair up but she looked pretty and I smiled when a few tiny hairs coming out of her ponytail tickled my nose.

"Niall James Horan, are you trying to get in my pants?"

I laughed and shook my head, making her tilt hers on the side. I let my lips run on her skin again and I could swear I heard her whimper.

"More like under your dress."

She laughed lightly and turned around in my arms. Seeing her smile made mine grow and I moved forward, obliging her to take a few steps back as my hands reached for the zipper of her dress. I slowly moved it down and she smiled more.

"Are you gonna keep your suit on?" she asked, her cute smile turning into a smirk.

"Not all night, no." I smiled too.

"No I meant, are you gonna keep your suit on while I ride you?"

My eyes roamed on her face and I knew she could see all the lust I felt in the way I was looking at her. She took a step back and I kept silent as she pulled on her dress. She stood in front of me in her underwear and even if I knew she felt self-conscious, I couldn't help but let my eyes travel on her body slowly, catching every curve. I ended up smiling more and decided to sit on my bench, smirking when I remembered there was a mirror right on front of it.

She licked her lips again and reached for the tie in her hair, sliding it down her ponytail gently. Her hair fell in a cascade over her shoulders and the pink on her cheeks made me want to be rough with her.

"Come here." I let out. "And get on your knees, petal."

Slowly, she did what I asked and when I felt her hand wrap around my cock, I breathed through my teeth. I looked at her back in the mirror and reached around her to unclasp her bra. Her mouth on my growing cock felt incredible and her pace didn't falter at all when I gripped her hair to help her head move up and down.  The way her tongue and lips moved on me made me want to thrust deeper in her mouth until I came and I felt one of my legs shake at how close I already was.

"Get up and straddle me."

I let go on the air I was holding when she stopped touching me and I watched her get up and take her panties off. She was naked and I was still completely dressed, making her look suddenly more vulnerable than I thought was possible. Slowly, she put her knees on each side of me and sat on my lap. Her lips reached mine and I quickly deepened the kiss to taste her.

"Get up on your knees, pet." I whispered. "I want to touch you."

Keeping her lips against mine, she did what I asked and I quickly slipped one of my hands between her legs. She twitched when it rubbed gently on her clit and I smiled more. I slid two fingers inside her, making her moan in my mouth, but remained motionless for a few seconds.

"Fuck yourself on my fingers. Do it like it's my cock."

She didn't make me tell her twice and started bouncing on my fingers, coating them quickly and making me groan low. Her moans were getting louder and she shook her head to push her hair behind her shoulders. Watching her all fucked like that made me even harder and without thinking, I took my fingers away and grabbed her waist, pushing her down on me. Her skin was burning on my palms and I pressed my fingers more against her skin, hoping it would leave an imprint on her.

"Jesus christ." I let out when I was completely inside her, "Fuck me petal, do it."

She quivered lightly but just started moving over me again as I let go of her to give her full control. I felt my cock slip in and out of her fast and hard and every single time I was balls deep inside her, I could feel her clench around me. I tried to keep my hands to myself, just watching her breasts move right in front of my face but after a while, I couldn't resist.

"You feel so fucking good." I let out with a short moan, bringing my hand to her chest. "I love when you do exactly what I ask you."

Swiftly, I slapped one of her breasts, making her moan and shake over me.

"Don't stop," I ordered, spanking her hard before slapping her breast again. "Keep riding me."

Seeing her ride me was incredible but the pleasure was multiplied whenever I would glance at the mirror, watching her also from behind, her body bouncing and shaking at the same time. I moved closer and ran my lips on her shoulder as she kept fucking herself on me. I sucked a few spots as I ran my hands on her waist and breasts and when I felt her fingers slip in my hair to grip it tight, I let out a moan.

"Niall, I'm gonna cum." her voice came to me in a mix of a whisper and a whimper and when her body started jerking over mine, I felt her clench hard around me, making me reach my orgasm too.

I grabbed her waist and pushed her hard against me as I moved my hips up to feel myself as deep as possible inside her. I let out a few curse words and when my name escaped her lips again in a moan, I felt myself get dizzy from the feeling. We were both a panting mess and she brought her parted lips to mine. We kissed very slowly as I let my fingertips run on her burning skin until we both came down from out high.

"Thanks for inviting me tonight." she said shyly after pulling away, nibbling on her bottom lip. "I know you had to insist a lot, but i'm glad you did."

"T'was my pleasure."

She sent me a fond smile and finally got off of me before staring at me and tilting her head. I tucked my cock back in my boxers and ran my fingers through my now messy hair.

"How hot was it to be dressed while I was completely naked?" she asked, making me laugh.

"The truth? Very hot." She grimaced and I laughed more. "Come on, go get those damn sweatpants."

She laughed as she left the room and I decided to go back downstairs to grab water bottles for both of us. I saw the tags of her dress we had left on the counter since we were in a hurry and threw them in the bin but what I saw made me stop all movements. I bent down to grab the box laying there and I could swear my heart stopped beating. It was impossible, we had been cautious, right? She was on the contraceptive pills, wasn't she? Then why did she felt the need to get a pregnancy test without even telling me. In an impulse, I searched through the bin to find the white stick that would tell me the result and when I realized my search was useless, I just ran back upstairs.

"I decided on your oldest pair of sweatpants, I hope it's okay." she let out as she turned around, probably hearing me rush in the room.

Her face immediately changed when she noticed what i was holding and her lips parted. I could read fear in her eyes and she shook her head slightly.

"It's not what you think..."

"You're pregnant?"

I barely even realized that these words came out of my mouth and as soon as I let them out, time seemed to stop. My whole body was throbbing with fear and so many thoughts rushed to my brain that I could barely think.

"No!"

I thought that i'd feel relieved when I would hear that word but my body was still tensed, my hand gripping the box so tight it started hurting.

"No, Niall, of course not!" she took a step my way. "I would have told you."

"Really? Because you didn't tell me you thought you could be."

Her face changed and she frowned, looking down. I knew she felt guilty but I couldn't seem to feel bad for her at that exact moment.

"I woke up one day, realized I was late, bought a test and did it. It was negative so I thought hey, no big deal." she explained with a shrug before looking back up in my eyes. "It's not like I waited weeks or anything, it was all in the span of a few hours and you were out."

Realizing I had kept my air in, I exhaled slowly, trying to relax my body and finally closed my eyes before rubbing them. I didn't want to be mad at her and if I wanted to be honest, it was a bit wrong of me to be mad anyway. I knew she just wanted to spare me the stress, I just wasn't sure I liked that we kept things from each other.

"If this happens again, I want to know, even if it's negative."

She nodded and I sighed again, walking up to her and taking her in my arms. We hugged for a few seconds and I finally moved back.

"Let's just sleep."

I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth before getting undressed and throwing my dirty clothes in the laundry basket. When I came back, the lights were off and she was already laying down in bed. I walked up to her and sat on the mattress,noticing the frame on the bedside table with our young faces on it. I smiled despite myself, not being able to read the little card placed in the corner but knowing exactly what was written on it.

"I love you, Olivia."

I felt her move behind me and closed my eyes when I felt her chest press against my bare back. She leaned her chin on my shoulder and I felt a shiver cross my back.

"I love you too, Niall." she murmured. "I'm so sorry."

[nirfanatxt]

La La Lost You - Part 1

A/N: inspired by La La Lost You - NIKI

He had his hands inside the pockets of his jacket, Chelsea boots hitting the pavement as he walked up to his new apartment. Some of his things were already there from days ago, being arranged by his sister. All he brought was a black backpack during his flight to the city, no hint of someone who was moving across the coast. Although, his hooded eyes and dark circles could be a giveaway. Tired did not even cut it close, he was extremely exhausted not being able to get any sleep on his flight even the doorman didn’t nearly look as dead as he was.

The building was so different from his previous one. Los Angeles was hot and sunny, living in a shared house with his college friends had been chaotic but warm. New York on the other hand is all about tall buildings, cold and intimidating but gave him hopes and dreams nonetheless. They said the city never sleeps, everyone buzzing at any time of the day tirelessly chasing their dreams and they might have been right to some extent as he saw his sister waiting in the lobby holding a cup of coffee. She gave him a small smile before embracing him in a tight hug.

“Glad you can finally be here.” she whispered. Her smile was as bright as always but he could see a frown making it way to her face upon seeing his eyes.

“You didn’t sleep? You have your first day today!” she scolded, pushing him into the open elevator. He just chuckled at her behavior and shrugged.

“Well, you know me. Not really a fan of sleeping on a flight when it can be free entertainment for hours.” His sister rolled her eyes at that. Not much had changed about her brother, apparently. But even then, she could sense the hesitation in his eyes when he came in, that was so different from how he was when he first visited his dream city.

“It’s not free, it’s all in.” The floor was 31, he had never been that far up in a home unit building. He could kind of see why his sister chose this particular apartment, the hallway is warm and welcoming like home. It was unlike how he first pictured it upon seeing the towering building when he walked in.

“Whatever. You’re one to talk, it’s not even nine yet.” gesturing to her attire and that iced coffee that seems to just completely melted away all of the ice. She didn’t bother to respond, adjusting her bag and checked her watch.

“Shit, I have to go like now but I promise I will be home to take you out for dinner. Enjoy your first day, little brother!” she quickly handed him the key to her apartment and scurried away quickly in her heels. He thought it was crazy how it was only six but she already had places to be but he had to leave in three hours anyway.

When he got to his room, he was faced with a huge window overlooking the city. The view from up here, New York City in all its glory. It looked like it came straight out of a movie with all the skyscrapers and taxis littering the streets. A sense of realization hit him at that moment feeling like his dreams finally came true ever since he moved to the States. Then he looked around the room, finding it perfectly decorated by his sister who had gone to work a few minutes earlier. Some of his books were arranged neatly in a wall-shelf, pictures that he used to put on his bedside was on his new desk, and his posters up on the wall. His gaze fell on a pile of folded clothes near his bed. One shirt stuck out with its colorful tone compared to his usual darker ones. Tugging it out, he saw that it was a white Malibu shirt with 80s neon colors in the middle. It was her shirt.

His first day had gone well he decided as he boarded into the subway. Never once he had thought he would be working the Culture desk for The New York Times so early in his career but he guessed a little push was all he needed when he applied for the job. Everyone in the newsroom was very welcoming and his little cubicle near the window was a just a dream came true. But as he glanced at the time on his watch that he had not changed since his arrival in the city, he realized just how far away he was from her. She must have been asleep by now on the couch in front of the telly with her dog right beside her and here he was, on a train on the way to his supposedly new home.

The morning was not as beautiful as it was in Los Angeles he realized as he stared into the sky on his way to Empire. His sister decided that today would be the day they finally explored Chelsea, even go as far as taking a day off, and she believed a small little diner serving the best breakfast is a good place to start. He appreciated it, really, but his mind was wandering too much ever since he remembered her. It wasn’t like he could stop.

Leaving the sunny heaven was not easy, nor it was leaving his friends, and her in particular. Then again during his short time studying there, he didn’t expect to have fun, didn’t expect bond that well with his housemates, didn’t expect to fall in love. He was a reserved person, focused and determined. His only goal when he came to UCLA was to study and study only but life has a funny way to turn things around, he supposed. The shared house was the cheapest option he got when he decided he wanted to save up for a life in New York. His sister had recommended it since one of her old friends was living there and it lived up to expectation.

The college experience got way better than he expected. Sure, he still was studying his ass off and his housemates respect his ambitious way but they also never let him became too holed up in the study room, occasionally pushing him to go out with them. Had it not been because of them, he still would be the antisocial kid that he was. It was during one of those days did he met her. Light brown hair, ocean blue eyes, rosy cheeks, holding a cup of wine so elegantly while laughing at something her friends said.

“Take a picture, it lasts longer.” she had said. He had expected a mocking tone to come with the sentence but there was only a playful smile on her face. She had noticed his t-shirt and it turned out, both of them were a huge fan of The Maine. Coincidentally a show was set to roll that very weekend and they found themselves in front of the barricade a few days later, hand in hand. Everything seemed to go smoothly ever since. A day would not be complete without each other; a little bit of laughter, a couple of coffee cups from Alfred, and end tangled up in each other embrace.

“Are you okay?” his sister asked, breaking him out of his trance. He gave her a small smile gazing at the small diner. It wasn’t as big as he thought it would be, it looked and felt old school. Not surprising at all when it comes to his sister choices. A little bit of familiarity in such a busy and modern world. Maybe she was looking for home the way he did in LA, just in a different form.

“You’re my only brother, you know. I can see it. Talk to her.” she said as he closed the menu. He didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t like he never thought about it. He couldn’t count how many times he picked up his phone, ready to click her contact just to close it again. A relationship is not a familiar territory for him, not real ones, much less miles apart.

“You know why I can’t. I was never meant to fall in love.” he sighed. It was such a foolish answer to blame his feelings, he knew, but he wasn’t about to explain the way he didn’t have much faith in himself to keep a long-distance relationship intact. It wasn’t his forte and he didn’t want to risk scrapping his knees in the process once it all tumbled down.

“No one ever plans to.” she countered. He grumbled but kept quiet, not up for an argument so early in the morning. She was about to say something when the waiter came with two plates of waffle. If it wasn’t for the fact that she had been craving it, she probably would bombard her little brother with questions. As she glanced at his face, content even for a moment, she decided she would leave it at that today.

It was midnight when they got to the apartment. He hadn’t felt at ease during his time in the city until he properly reconnected with his sister. They never continued their conversation even though he knew how much his sister wanted to and he appreciated her for giving him space to think. By the time he came out of the bathroom, his sister had gone to bed leaving a cup of tea for him. He wasn’t nearly as tired so he settled on the balcony, a playlist in the background.

Cherry was playing in the background when his phone suddenly lit up. A call from her. Hesitantly, he picked it up and pressed it to his ears. Her voice filled up his senses with a small hello. But it wasn’t her usual cheery voice nor angry the way it had been when he broke the news. He didn’t want to even imagine her shedding a tear but he could hear it in her voice.

“You left your Santa Cruz hoodie and it’s been the only thing I wear going to sleep. Fuck, it’s so hard to forget you.” she sniffled. Before he could reply, she had ended the call. He wasted no time in calling her back but she was long gone. All of his calls went straight into the voicemail but he didn’t leave one. He wasn’t sure how to so he stopped calling.

The song played again and it was as if the lyrics were mocking him. There’s a piece of you in how I dress. What an irony, he thought. His mind was restless the rest of the night. Sleeping didn’t seem like an option. The demons in his head kept taunting him ever since he heard her on the phone. Maybe he shouldn’t have left. His dream is here, but is it worth it when his heart is in LA? As he looked outside the window, he convinced himself that he would be okay.

[mxtantrights]

✹ 　 PART THREE (DAMSEL)

HAWKINS, INDIANA

OCTOBER 31, 1983

It's not just regular Thursday afternoon. No, this is no mere mortal Thursday. It's Halloween! One of the few times of the year where I feel a twinge of happiness. I mean, Christmas is cool and all but when will you ever hear a scream and think good things?

On halloween you will.

However-

This is halloween in Hawkins. It's never been done before and I have to set the bar. Well at least for myself. I wanna dress up for tonight and scare some kids. As I am growing older I have grown to realize that scaring the shit out of little kids can be funny on the one day that it's mandated.

"Jessie!" The teacher calls out.

I'm a bit startled but I remain still, and just glance her way. "Sorry."

"Jessie would you mind telling the class what has your attention besides the trail of tears?"

Yes. I really would mind. I really really would mind. I am so not into being called out. What kind of shit is that? So I'm dozing off in class, it's U.S. history, it's not being told correctly anyways. But I won't get mad. I don't like confrontation with- adults.

I'll just have to answer her.

"Uh.." I trail off and blow raspberries with my lips until I can think of something on the spot. "Halloween."

There are fits of chuckles in the back of the classroom. But that doesn't mean it was funny to my teacher, Ms.Sean. She dares to flash a fake smile at me and circle her desk for something. I see her reach for something- a paper, most likely. She picks up one and then walks it over to me, placing it on my desk.

"I don't think Halloween was on our latest quiz."

Uh-oh.

I look down to see the bright red F. Great. Just great. Well I can't bring this home. If my dad or my mom finds out about this they will tear my ass in two. I will not hear the end of it from them. They'll probably punish me.

I say nothing and just place the quiz under my folder.

Ms.Sean takes this as her cue to walk away.

"Maybe if she took more time studying than doing her hair she'd keep up." A scrawny voice from the back said.

The classroom erupted in 'ohs' and whispers. I turned around in my seat to look through the back to find out who said it. And sure enough, a girl with a turtle neck and the farrah fawcet hair to match is holding a particularly evil smirk.

And here we fucking go.

I wasn't gonna be mad. I really was just going to swallow any snarky comments, any comments at all. I was going to sit here like an amazing behaved teenager and take my punishment or public school call out.

But now, oh boy.

If I don't nip this in the butt now, it'll roll. Roll right into a snowball that follows me until I'm graduating senior year. Or at one of these dances, or the next class. I'm not gonna let this spiral. Dayton taught me better than that.

"I really like your costume Trina, but you might give someone a heart attack."

The class really loses it after that. Ms.Sean has to calm them down as I turn back in my seat. I don't need to see her dumb-struck face. That comment didn't rub me the right way, I've got to keep my eye on that one.

As the class chills out, I can see that Ms.Sean is trying to hide a smile on her lips. She clears her throat in another effort to hide it and it works.

"No more disruptions. Back to the lesson...."

-

I set my lunch bag down in front of Jonathan as he mumbles a quiet 'Hi'

"Hey, whats up?" I ask him

But he just shakes his head and shrugs. He bites into his sandwich.

It must be one of his moods.

For the two months and change that I've known him, Jonathan Byers has these days where he just shuts down. I don't know if anything is causing it or if it's just because he's like that. And I don't even know him well enough to pry into his business.

I just know enough to leave him alone.

"So I know you do this thing where you like to keep quiet or minimal, do you mind if I just talk a little bit?" It's very- blunt to say the least to ask him this, but he's like my only friend here. Besides Nancy but I don't talk with her much.

I watch him carefully as he nods his head.

"Okay so I was in history today and this girl made a snarky comment about my hair and my grades. And I wouldn't say anything back home, because you know back home I knew everyone and we were all on good terms. But I had to say something back." I rant a bit. Then I realize that he's actually becoming interested in what I'm talking about, so I hold off a bit.

"Well what did you say?" His mouth is still a bit full with food.

I smile and shrug, since I have brothers I'm used to the piggish behavior. "I told her that her costume might give someone a heart attack."

He goes back to nodding. Oh did he not get-

"She wasn't wearing a costume Jonathan."

He looks at me with wide eyes. And then he begins to laugh. And then I join in. Then we're both laughing. And it hits me that I don't see him laugh like this in this school. He doesn't do much here besides go to class, sulk, avert his gaze from others.

I've seen him laugh the few times I go to pick up my brother from one of the boy's houses.

I push off the thought when he holds his hand up to his chest to stop laughing.

"Ah man, what'd she say to that?"

"Nothing, Ms.Sean decided to resume class. Thankfully."

He nods, but this time he seems a little brighter. I guess thats what friends are for.

My hand digs into my lunch bag and takes out the sandwich I made myself this morning. There was no way I was letting either roof my parents make me something. They'd call a slice of cheese between two slices of bread a meal.

Dayton was the one who looked out for me in cases like this. We went to he same high school together. Sometimes he'd just pop up at my lunch table and swing his lunch over. Or he'd pack another sandwich for me.

I miss my brother.

Not surprising, but it's something.

I take another look at my friend to see if he's dozed off again, but he's not. He's looking dead ahead at something behind me. And the face he has on his face means that it can't be good. Slowly I turn in my seat to steal a glance.

It's the girl I replied to in class.

I watch her take a seat with her friends. And they are joined by Nancy. Nancy Wheeler.

I must've been staring too long because she- Nancy- looks over at me. I don't 'know what to do, to smile or to wave or to do nothing, to just turn back around. I do none and keep watching. In a few seconds the girl- my new nemesis? maybe- looks in my direction too.

And she does something alright.

She gives me the finger.

-

The doorbell rings and I run to get it.

I'm on door duty this year. Mickey is at Will's house. Him and the rest of the boys are playing D&D like usual. It feels like that's all he does nowadays. Not to take it away from him though, I'm glad he's got friends.

But with him gone so much, my parents are surely gonna be on me a bit more. Not with my grades though. I made sure to rip that up as soon as school ended and throw it away in a trashcan that wasn't mine. Kind of paranoid about it, yeah I know.

Anyways, tonights dinner was an indication of my parent's peek interest.

They asked me how I was doing, if I was making new friends, how my grades were doing. Then my mom asked about how the job was going. It wasn't really going though. Yes I went and got an application but I didn't submit it.

It's been sitting in my drawer for a few nights now.

If I take that job then I'm really not gonna have time for my music. There is no way I can get away with blasting the radio in my room and try gin to strum along to the songs after nine pm. I barely get away with it now.

And if I don't make time for my music, then I'm really just a nothing. I'm not doing too good in school because I want to make something out of myself with music. And If I don't practice that then I just won't be doing too good all around.

You know what's also not too good? Whoever's kid is at my door.

I look at the young boy who seems on the verge of crying. "Are you okay little man?"

He looks to me with those wide cartoon eyes. And it ties in with his costume, the kid from E.T. The kid's got the basket in his hands and I really do want to take a peek inside and made sure E.T. isn't actually in there.

"My alien needs candy to survive." He quips.

Laughing I grab the bucket from the table beside me and give him like five different kinds of chocolates. He deserved it.

The boy smiles, thanks me and begins running away.

I thought I was gonna scare kids this year. But my parents told me they don't want to be 'the bad house' on the block. I guess even adults deal with peer pressure and social hierarchies. What was I gonna do, disobey them?

To their face? No.

I'm already doing that with my grades.

I shut the door and head back to the dinning room. My parents are watching some old people movie on tv which leaves me all by my lonesome. Which I would like if it weren't Halloween. I thought my night would be more entertaining than this.

The phone from the kitchen starts ringing. And I'm running again.

I pick it up after the second ring. "Hello?"

"Jess? it's me."

"Dayton? isn't it like early there in Stanford?"

"Yeah-just, don't alert mom and dad alright. I didn't even mean to call-"

"Okay I won't, but why are you calling?" As soon as I ask him it's like the line foes dead. I sure thought it did because I begin beating on the receiver. "Hello?!"

"Keep your voice down alright!"

"The reason for your call brother o'mine?"

More silence from him, but I can hear him moving around. "I'm- no just forget it. I didn't mean to call."

"Well you did anyways, so that must mean something..." I trail off thinking he might just say what's on his mind but he doesn't. Which is weird since he's always talking, that's why he's going to law school. "I miss you."

He sighs on the other end.

"I miss you too dude."

"Okay, so then let's leave it at that. You miss me, that's why you called."

I can hear him a bit of movement and a short laugh. "Thanks."

"Goodnight, or early night or whatever."

"Goodnight Jessie."

[smoljoelito]

Prompt List #1

For accurate life prompts or AU’s, this list will inspire many whether for CNCO or other fandoms. Feel free to reblog to get requests as well :) My requests are now closed!

1. “Tell me who hurt you and I swear to god I’ll end them.”

2. “Truth or dare?” “Dare.” “I dare you to let me give you a shotgun kiss.”

3. “I’ll give you $50 to be my date tonight.”

4. “How long are we going to hide our relationship?”

5. *jumps on the back of a person’s motorcycle* “Fucking drive!”

6. “You’re a brat, you know that?”

7. “You could speak Spanish this whole time?”

8. “If we are going to date, you’re getting rid of those tan shoes.”

9. “Tu sonrisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, te amooooooooooooooooooo!” “You’re so drunk.”

10. “Holy shit, she can dance too.”

11. “Wait, you don’t like our music?”

12. “Wait, you’ve wanted to be with me this entire time and you’ve never said a word, but now that I’m in a relationship you do?”

13. “99% vanilla my ass.”

14. “Aren’t you supposed to be on tour?”

15. “When I told you to leave, I meant never come back, yet here you are.”

16. “You’re going on live television and wearing that?”

17. “It’s either me or that outfit at the award show, one is not going.”

18. “Babyyyyyy, why’d you stop touching my hair?”

19. “The way you get along with my family just melts my heart.”

20. “I think my mom loves you more than me.”

21. “Te dije que me querías pero no me creíste. Pensaste que lo era un chiste.”

22. “Why do you keep staring at me, what do you want?” “You.”

23. “Who wouldn’t want to date you? You’re a total package.”

24. “You say stuff like that then wonder why I’m insecure.”

25. “You need a filter for your mouth!”

26. “You wrote a song… for me?”

27. “Truth or dare?” “Truth.” “If you were to date one of us, who would you pick?”

28. “She thinks I’m adorable!” “Isn’t that a good thing?” “No! I don’t want to be adorable! It’s infuriating!”

29. “So are you just going to stand there and stare at me all night or are you going to buy me a drink?”

30. “You’ve been watching me all night and haven’t done a thing about it, so I decided too.”

31. “Wanna dance?” “Hmm… I don’t know are you good enough?”

32. “You have commitment issues so I’m going to go find someone who doesn’t.”

33. “If you’re going to watch my lips all night might as well do something about it.”

34. “So those other girls don’t mean anything to you? Well sorry, they mean something to me.”

35. “Apparently, all the other boys have a bet that we are going to end up together.”

36. “Hold my hand tight and don’t let go, I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.”

37. “Dímelo otra vez.”

38. “I’ve been waiting so long to do that.”

39. “Stop ignoring it! How can you say we weren’t made for each other?”

40. “Do you feel the same way when he touches you?”

41. “I don’t need you to tell me you want me, I can see the goosebumps that rise on your skin when I even so much as whisper in your ear.”

42. “Stop biting your lip like that.”

43. “Mom, I swear to god I’m going to marry her one day.”

44. “I’m going to kiss you and the only one that can stop me is you.”

45. “I will spend the rest of my life making you laugh, I swear it.”

46. “Don’t lie and say you don’t feel it too!”

47. “The universe keeps bringing us back together for some reason, and I think maybe we should listen to it for once.”

48. “Who the hell is that?”

49. “Oh shit, that girl is your cousin? My bad.”

50. “By the end of our first date, I knew you were it for me baby.”

51. “Are those my rings?” “…No.”

52. “Please, I’m begging you! I need you to help me. What will it take?” “Go on a date with me.”

53. “Baby, you’re trying to say you don’t like me back, but your cheeks are as red as cherries.”

54. “Do you believe in soulmates?” “If you would’ve asked me that a few years ago, I would’ve told you you’re a fool, but now, yes.” “What changed?”

55. “Is this a date?”

56. “I’m not leaving you, not now, not ever.”

57. “Can I pet your dog, please?”

58. “Do you like me, or are you just hitting on me because you’re a flirt?”

59. “Why should I take a chance with you when you’ll most likely break my heart?”

60. “Why are you so mad that I’m going on a date?”

61. “God! I love you, okay?”

62. “You’re such a tease.”

63. “You need to stop wearing those headbands.”

64. “Hey there mami, what’s your name?” “Y/n, and I’m not your mami.”

65. “Does it look like I speak Spanish to you?”

66. “Hi, sorry to bother you, but that man standing over there at the bar with the girl in the red dress is my ex. I’ll give you $20 to help me make him jealous tonight.”

67. “You’ve never seen Harry Potter?!”

68. “You told me you loved me then ran away, what am I supposed to do with that?”

69. “Oh fuck me.” “Gladly.”

70. “This is probably the worst moment ever to say this, but I really want to kiss you right now.”

71. “How did you get my number exactly?”

72. “I’m really not looking to date anyone right now.” “Not even him?” “Never mind.”

73. “Why are we standing so close together?”

74. “You made falling in love with you so incredibly easy, I didn’t even know it was happening until I realized I loved you.”

75. “That guy has been watching you all night baby.” “Who… Oh shit he’s hot, what do I do?”

76. “Let’s call it a hang out, but I pay for everything and we dress really nice.”

77. “Stop inviting people out on our date!” “Since when did it become a date?” “Yeah… uh… a friend date of course!”

78. “They’re not good enough for you!” “Well, then who is?” “Me! It’d be an honor to love you!”

79. “When did you learn to kiss like that?”

80. “So… uh… how did we end up making out exactly?”

81. “Why do people always think we are dating?”

82. “I’m sorry, I have to say this. You literally have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

83. “God, making you blush is so easy.”

84. “What are you scared of?” “Well… you.”

85. “Don’t just kiss me like that then walk away!”

86. “Sing to me, please.”

87. “I’m trying to write a song right now and I need you to come over.” “Okay, why?” “You inspire me just get over here.”

88. “So you’re hot, funny, and smart, yet you’re still talking to me?”

89. “Have you been taking wrong turns on purpose?”

90. “So is your personality only comprised of flirting? Cause I’m getting bored.”

91. “I knew you were a hopeless romantic oh my god.”

92. “You put Nicholas Sparks to shame.”

93. “I finally worked up the courage to come and talk to you tonight, and you just break my heart from the get-go?”

94. “You’re a bitch.” “Yeah, you’re right, but I’m not your bitch so I’m still winning.”

95. “You’re like a ray of sunshine.”

96. “Why do you hate me? When did this start exactly?” “Now that you ask, I don’t actually know.”

97. “You fell asleep on me.” “Oh god, I’m sorry.” “Don’t be, it was cute.”

98. “There wasn’t any specific thing you did to make me fall in love with you, but many little things.”

99. “I believe God put you in my life for a reason.”

100. “You always know the right thing to say.”

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 31

Catch up on AO3

EMMA

What a crazy fucking weekend.

I watched Sebastian walk through the doors before I drove off. I was barely back on the main road when the weight of the time together really hit me. We shoved a lot into a short period of time, but the short period of time wasn’t that short. Total of four days. Four days isn’t that long to get to know someone, unless during those four days you were apart for maybe ten hours. Two before dinner and eight after. We weren’t apart from Saturday at eleven until just now. Three full days, minus him leaving equals sixty-eight hours of an uninterrupted time, add in fifteen minutes at the grocery and nine and a half for dinner. Now were at seventy-seven hours and forty-five minutes together. I have no idea why I did this math. Usually when you’ve known someone for four days you’ve hung out, talked on the phone, did a few things. We didn’t do that. We spent seventy-eight hours together. Barely any of it sleeping. The problem, which isn’t much of a problem, is trying to accept how I'm feeling about Sebastian after four days and seventy-eight hours sound like more time, which makes the difficulty saying goodbye make sense.

I need to talk to my best friend. My drive isn't nearly long enough. I told my vehicle to call Angie and waited for her to pick up.

"My favorite person!"

I smiled at the sound of her voice, "Even on a long weekend Tuesday morning?" Those are almost worse than Mondays. The short week being the only redeeming quality.

"Always." We both laughed. "I'm dog assed tired. We didn't leave Eli's parents until late. There were too many one last songs. How was your weekend?"

"Apparently it was the weekend for visiting parents. I met a man who was up here helping his parents move."

The excitement in her voice was clear, "Did you? I want to hear absolutely everything. Wait, is this a good meet or a bad meet? I still want details, but need to be prepared."

"Ang, he is incredible. I... he's incredible. It was such a good weekend. I want to flop down on my bed kicking and screaming. He is sweet, funny, and we talked for hours and hours. We had so much fun. And that was before the sex. Parts of my body are still tingling. When I get home my sheets are going to smell like him." I took a shuddering breath. Wow, it felt good to get that out.

"Holy shit!" Angie's laugh was pretty close to the best part of my day and I’d had a really good day. "You're gushing over this man. I can’t wait to hear everything. Why didn't you call me last night?"

"Because I only just dropped him off at the train station."

"Explains your still tingling parts."

Yes, it does. Meet up on FaceTime about four?"

"Sounds good."

We hung up and I felt like I could make it through the day without exploding. There is something about a new romance, especially when it comes out of nowhere, that fills you with so much energy. It's fun and exciting. I walked into school with a ridiculous grin and an idea.

I had to work fast. My kids would be coming soon. I ducked into Mallory's room on the way to mine, "Hey, can you come help me for a minute?"

"Sure. Right behind you."

Mallory was a fifth grade teacher. She would definitely corroborate that age were smart asses, but she liked smart asses. We'd started the same year and became friends going through all the orientation and training stuff together. Mal had clued me in on the gossipy teacher I'd gone out with a few times. I would not have been the first story he'd told.

Mallory caught up to me, "Everything ok? I missed you yesterday."

We were good friends, but not good enough for me to tell her about Sebastian before talking to Angie. "Yeah, I was enjoying the long weekend and wasn't ready to be social."

"I hear you. Felt like a work pot luck."

My day had been much better. "I laid around all day." Truth. We walked into my room and I sat my stuff down, handing my phone off to Mallory. "I want a new picture for my final newsletters. Wanted to get it before all this white got dirty."

Mallory took my offered phone, "You look really pretty."

"Thank you." I wanted a very first grade teacher picture. I went to the bookcase in front of our nearly full word wall. I held one hand out like I was showing off our year, which I was, but I was showcasing the words baby, blue, and boy. She took a few pics, I gave her a quick hug, and told her I'd see her at lunch. I took a couple of close up selfies before sending the full body one to Sebastian with a text saying, "Ready for the week."

I got back, "Damn..."

My kids started arriving and it was lunch before I checked my phone. I had a two word message this time, "Closer, please." I picked the selfie I thought he'd like best and sent it before heading to the teacher's lounge for lunch.

It would be after school before I heard from him again.

Sebastian ~ So pretty

Emma ~ Glad you think so. TY

Sebastian ~ Posting something on IG. Not creepy to follow now.

Emma ~ We're past the creepy zone?

Sebastian ~ More or less. My thoughts about a first grade teacher are more inappropriate than creepy.

Emma ~ Completely different.

Sebastian ~ Good day?

Emma ~ Very! Heading home. You?

Sebastian ~ Meeting with manager. Tell you all about later. Safe drive home.

Emma ~ TTFN

I headed home, skipping my usual trip to the gym. Volleyball practice could count. I was out on my deck with a glass of iced tea when Angie called right before four.

"Start at the beginning."

I went through how we met, dinner, and the festival on Saturday. The falling asleep on the couch got us laughing.

"He sounds adorable, Emma. Tell me about him. Where's he live?  What’s he do?”

Angie knew all about Ed and she was married to a musician, so I wasn't concerned about her reaction to him being a celebrity.

"He's tall and works out. His body his amazing. Gorgeous blue eyes, brown hair with just a little wave, and a beard. His lips ... his smile lights up his face and he has crinkles at the corners of his eyes. He's gorgeous."

"Of course, he is."

The slight sarcasm in her voice wasn't doubting what I said, but the level.

"You think it's the sex haze." We call the tendency to find someone more attractive if the sex is good being caught in the sex haze. It will blur a lot of faults. "Except he is objectively gorgeous. Want to see a picture?"

"You bitch! You should have led with a picture."

I laughed, "No, I shouldn't have." I sent her the silly picture with the bear from the festival. "I wanted you to hear about him before knowing who he is."

Her eyebrows pulled down, "Who he is?" I heard her text notification and watched her face go from confused to wide eyed, "Holy fuck, Em! That's Sebastian Stan."

"I didn't recognize him until we were outside the grocery. I started laughing." I told her about him not wanting to be anything more than a guy on a date and our conversation about Ed. I could see the disbelief on her face. I didn't talk about Ed. "I thought it would make things easier."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. It's just weird how you meet this famous actor, but aren't all that impressed because your second dad is in Pearl Jam. It's like some weird fate thing. Ed's not going to be happy."

I laughed loudly, "Oh, he’ll fucking hate it."

I told Angie the rest of the story, leaving out some of the more personal bits. When I finished we sat silent for a minute.

Angie smiled, "What do you need from me? You already know the complications that come with being famous. Not particularly stable relationships, paps, and fans. He doesn't sound like a paranoid narcissist, which is a bonus."

I nodded. I did know the pluses and minuses. "I don't need anything really." I took a deep breath, "I needed to talk to someone who wouldn't give a fuck about who he is. My dopamine levels have got to be astronomical. I like him. It started in the grocery, when I realized he was lost and not a rehab patient. There was something about him, how he felt. I immediately wanted to know him and the more I got to know the more I wanted to be with him." I paused, smiled and shook my head a little. "There was this connection. It's comfortable and exciting at the same time. I know it doesn't make sense, but it makes perfect sense. He just feels right."

Angie let the fingers over her lips fall away, "Em, if any one deserves someone, something wonderful it’s you." We shared a smile. "When are you going to see him again?"

"This weekend. He’s coming up for the volleyball tournament." Just thinking about seeing him made me grin.

"Hey," Angie's eyes lit up, "I think Eli met him." She picked up her Macbook and started walking. "A party or something." I could see she was in her living room. "Hey babe, didn't you meet Sebastian Stan?"

I couldn't see him, but recognized Eli's voice, "Who are you talking to?"

I yelled, "Hi, Eli!

His face came into view as Angie sat next to him, "Hi, Em. Shit, are you two fangirling over a Marvel movie?"

I said no at the same time Angie said yes.

Eli rolled his eyes at us. A frequent occurrence when we were all together. Still, he answered. "A couple of times. He's infuriatingly better looking in person."

"What's he like?" Angie, not me.

Eli looked between us before answering, "Nice guy. Funny as hell when he's drunk and they start talking shit. Boone's husband, Kirk, worked on Gossip Girl. Seb's been to gig, a couple of parties. He was filming something and couldn't come to the wedding, but he was at the bachelor party."

Angie shoved him, "Where were we at these parties?"

He looked at her like she was crazy, "You could have been there. No one pays any attention to him. If anything, he tries to blend in. He’s kind of an introvert. And really, would either of you recognized him before Civil War?"

Angie smirked, "One of us wouldn't recognize him if she ran into him."

Eli narrowed his eyes at her then looked at me, "What have you done, Emiliana?"

I waved my hands around in front of me, "Why am I getting the dad voice?"

More eye rolling, "What have you done?"

I rolled my eyes right back at him. "I went to the grocery and there was this guy in a baseball cap and hoodie cursing and talking to himself in the baking aisle. Turns out he was Sebastian Stan."

Eli snickered, "Sounds like him." Angie put her phone in front of him. I could see the wheels in his head spinning. "You would never ask for a selfie. Hook ups don’t include photos. You went on a date."

I raised my eyebrows.

Eli copied me, "You're dating him."

"It would seem so."

"And I’m providing a character reference?"

I shook my head, vehemently, "No. I was having a teenage girl moment calling my best friend to rave about the new guy and she remembered you'd met him. I promised not to Google." They stared at me, "I want to get to know him not research. Fuck knows I don't want him to find me on Google."

I guess Eli could till the last bit shook me, "Em, he would never know where to look."

I shook myself out of the mood, "Yeah, so no, I'm not wanting details on him. He’s a good guy. He’s sweet, good to his mom, was nothing but respectful to me. He’s good to me.”  These were my best friends. “I know he partied too much for a while and there was an ugly breakup where they fought in public, said some mean shit. I don't want information unless you need to wave me off."

Eli frowned and shook his head, "I wouldn’t ask your permission to wave you off."

"I love you too, Eli."

[mccoys-killer-queen]

Here it is- this week’s playlist (1/31)

My attempt at a so called “radio show” where I recommend 10 songs to everyone. Take it or leave it, I’ll still do this either way lmao.

This week I gotta start off with some of my more obvious picks. There’s gonna be a lot of feel-good songs, as this is my first time doing this, and wanna start off strong. Plus, most of my all time favorites are feel-good songs.

Links to the songs are provided!

1.) I Don’t Want To Lose You- REO Speedwagon (1988) Okay, let’s get these guys out of the way first. As you all probably know by now, I’m the biggest sucker for REO on the planet, and I do believe I know I am the entirety of their fandom on this website. Some of the first music I ever remember hearing was by these guys, and even though you’re all probably sick of me talking about them, give this quick song a try to start things off. It’s super strong, and it BOPS- PERIOD. Today I had to pick up my sister and had this blasted the whole way there. This one is the leading song off of REO’s 1988 greatest hits album, and was made/included as a bonus track for it..

2.) Rockin’ Into the Night- 38 Special (1979) I feel like this list would be incomplete without including the first song I can recall ever listening to. My mother would normally drive me and my sisters to wherever she went when I was a toddler, and she’d always play her CDs in the car. One in particular that was circulated a lot was her 20th Century Masters: 38 Special disc. It was played so often that little me in the car seat behind her had it glued to the inside of my brain so early in life. I can’t say why I remember this song in particular as the “first one ever”, but I probably think it’s because of the over enunciated and consistent line of stressed syllables in the chorus. That ROCK-IN-IN-TO-THE-NIGHT just sounded like pure gibberish to a 3 year old. I guess it fascinated me somehow.

3.) Roll Away the Stone- Mott the Hoople (1973)

So far on this list, I’ve only included songs from my distant past. This song, I’ve only gotten into within the past two years (and that goes for Mott in general), so to me, it’s still a song from my very recent present. This is by far my favorite Mott song, cos it’s just so joyful, hopeful and fun (not to mention it has a nice, bright, mellow, catchy 70s vibe. Kind of half-hippie, if you will). That opening riff is undeniable. I feel like you guys will like this song apart from the others on this list- it gives off some energy that I feel will fit a lot of people I know on here. This song is definitely the odd man out on this week’s list.

4.) Sad Songs (Say So Much)- Elton John (1984) Ah, Elton. How do you pick only one song by him? I only picked this one because it was probably the only good thing that came out of my first job. I worked at a department store, and heard the same 50 songs EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I’d never heard of this when I started working there, but in due time, it was just about the only thing I had to look forward to every day in that job besides going home. It’s a real 80′s-sounding anthem about “suffering enough to write it down” in which he and Bernie really capture the universal feeling of shoveling sad songs into your ongoing dumpster fire of sadness.

5.) Shakin’- Eddie Money (1982)

I was deeply hurt by this wonderful man’s passing in September of 2019, and still find it hard to believe. I grew up on some of Eddie’s hits and hardly ever knew it until very recent years, and, like many, I wish he had more time with us. It’s songs like this one that act like a cage and trap the memory of any wonderful time, making Eddie still very much alive. This song was definitely my summer anthem of last year, and I feel like upon listening to it, y’all will suddenly feel like it’s a hot summer evening, you’re in love, and you’re heading out for a good drive. Eddie’s music lets the good times roll, indeed.

6.) My Kinda Lover- Billy Squier (1981) I know my followers really like The Dirt, and I watched it again this week, so I had to include one of the few non-Crue songs from the movie. This song was used when Vince is singing at the pool party, and the Crue guys meet him. This is one of those songs where when I willingly listened to it for the first time, I went “wait, that’s THIS song??” Of course I’ve heard this before, but I never knew the name of it, or who it was by. It’s such a swinging, confident, bold, happy song about sticking with your lover because you just can’t see yourself doing anything else. Fucking adorable, and catchy as all fuck. Probably in my top 3 out of everything on this list. Someone on this site recently said that Billy Squier deserves more love on here- and I AGREE.

7.) Urgent- Foreigner (1981) This song doesn’t just bop, or bang, but it grooves. That sax just hits you in the best spot, the bass is just uGh- so good, and I can’t stop myself from busting a move at least a little bit whenever this comes on. Yes, this song is very horny, but it does it so so poetically, maturely, and it does it in all seriousness. This seriousness, I feel, is partly because it’s about a relationship between two people that is purely for the passion, but both parties believe that their lust for each other is always of the utmost urgency. What a topic for a song! Great song about a bad relationship.

8.) Photograph- Def Leppard (1983) Duh. Of course Leppard was gonna come in here sooner or later. And I know, I’m starting off with a cliche Leppard song, but this one also just so happens to be my second most favorite song of all time. A fast-paced, tragic anthem of being in love with a photograph because the real person is either dead or not real. Maybe it hits a little too close to home, being in the classic rock fandom and all, but you can’t deny that this song just SLAMS in every way imaginable. Booming guitars, earth-shattering drums, tragic lyrics, and every time Joe screams in this, I just fall in love even more. Not to mention the backing vocals are to DIE for.

9.) Hammer to Fall- Queen (1984) Also duh. You want a song that gives off Queen’s Big Dick Energy? Here ya go. I personally never heard of this song until I saw Bohemian Rhapsody in theaters, but boy, am I glad I did. This is one of those Queen songs where you can clearly say “boy, this ROCKS”. Definitely one of Queen’s more mature songs, but in the best of ways. They just scream it flat out for you, “What the hell we fighting for?!” For me, Roger’s drums are the best part of this one. Hits a huge crowd through lyrics as well as the huge rock and roll energy it gives off. Truly a Live Aid-worthy song.

10.) Only the Young- Journey (1985) I’m ending this list with this song because it really gets my excitement up a lot. Every time that intro hits me, I just feel like sprinting up a fucking mountain, across a huge bridge, or through a wide open space. This one really makes me feel like I’m running to something that I’m really excited about, or heading on an exciting adventure. It gives off that 80s energy of having more power to the youth of the generation, talking about how they’re a “generation waiting for dawn”, even after the “golden age” that preceded them that they’re expected to live up to. They’re also called brave because they have to live through the promises and lies that they “dare to tell”. In a time with so much hate towards the younger generations, I think it’s important to remember an empowering song like this. Get that excitement up, take pride in your young generation- “the bold and the strong”- and go sprint up a fucking mountain. This one’s also the first track off Journey’s 1988 greatest hits album.

Even if you take the time to listen to one of these songs, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed!

[alphabees-writes]

Glee - S1 E7 (Throwdown)

I haven’t done this for a while, and literally nobody asked, but I’ve finished most of my degree and I need something to do in quarantine! So, I’m granting myself little a shitting on Ryan Murphy. As a treat. 

Ok so right off the bat I’m pretty sure this is the “you’re all minorities” episode, and I’m placing a bet with myself. If I’m right about it, I get ice cream when I finish. Wish me luck!

Wow, for the first time, I actually needed the re-cap. I be like, wow, so THAT’S what I missed on Glee...

Sue’s fake laugh when Will touches her arm is relatable because I, too, would want to cry if he did that to me,

“It’s glee club, not krunk club” Wow thanks Netflix subtitles I thought it was spelled crunk. Also, Mercedes, please do take season 1 Rachel to the carpet. Please.

Sign #29 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He asks what the kids want to do, and then tells Mike that his dancing is “not really what we’re going for,” like ok, so you’re not going for TALENT? He doesn’t even give the boy a chance!

Sue’s pink tracksuit is wild.

Why does Figgins care about the plans for sectionals. Doesn’t he want glee club to fail?

Figgins is the real antagonist of the glee club for forcing anybody to hug Will. Yes, Sue is a criminal, but even she doesn’t deserve this.

“I’m about to vomit down your back” me too queen.

“Whatever Quinn wants is fine” Finn... You deserve better than LIES.

“No mutations... Not even any cool ones” why is THIS making me emotional about Cory? Finn just being a vulnerable kid in this scene... He’s so scared. 

Why is Mr Schue taking them to the OB-GYN...

Jacob hitting on Rachel genuinely makes me squirm. Like, I don’t find his character or these scenes funny one bit. 

I ONLY JUST NOTICED... When Sue calls the glee club “mouth breathers” Kurt snaps his mouth shut all of a sudden. It’s a split-second cutaway but I love it. 

Sue not knowing what a piano is? Iconic.

Sign #30 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole:  He gets mad at Sue for saying she wants the minority students to feel heard. I know that she’s trying to manipulate them, but like... Let them have a solo Will.

Kendra is a fucking anti-vax wow

I literally can’t talk about this Jacob thing because the p-word makes me SQUIRM. I HATE IT.

He gallops away though it’s an interesting choice.

Like say what you want about Sue in general but she’s RIGHT here, Will fails these kids and she’s genuinely showing them a great time for now. 

Hate On Me is a BOP. Amber kills it with every god damn number...

MIKE! GETS! TO! POP! AND! LOCK!

Kurt’s fuzzy sweater is such a look. I just want to pet it!!!

Kurt actually joining in with the dancing... AND MIKE AND MATT JOINING HIS MOVE... IT’S SO CUTE!!!

They’re having so much fun. God I adore these kids.

Sign #31 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He complains about Sue taking up “his time” with the kids, but he wasn’t fucking there? And hey, asshole, they actually had FUN for once!

Sue is dangerous Will, but at least she has TASTE.

...She is a straight up abusive person though and I do not vibe

Terri straight up pushing Will to make bad choices! Fun!

Quinn being like one of five Cheerios that passed Spanish is wild.

“Your psychosexual derrangement would be fascinating Will if it WEREN’T SO TERRIFYING!” Iconic

To Game. Iconic

Oh, fun! Racism. 

Please sue him, Sue. Destroy him.

Figgins posting his own stockings commercial online? Iconic

“Let me break it down for you... Nobody cares!” Iconic

SUE’S FIRST TEMPER TANTRUM?

Drizzle. 

Finn wanted to name a baby,

D R I Z Z L E 

“I read that Gwenyth Paltrow named her baby Apple and I think that’s so cool, because you know how much I love apples, right?” Baby boy...

Ride Wit Me... Look at these kids having ACTUAL FUN SINGING TOGETHER!!! WILLIAM SHOESTIR TAKE NOTES!!!

You can hear them actually laughing together and I’m w e a k...

Santana and Brittany just hugged and it was so tender my heart wiggled

Sign #31 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He literally IGNORES Quinn when she objects to being a back-up singer YET AGAIN...

I hate this number. It’s one where the backing singers sound nothing like the characters who are back-up singing... And there’s barely any back-up anyway.

Just had a thought while I tune out this shit number... Sue recruits Puck because he’s Jewish, but not Rachel? I mean, I know it’s strategic, but... Eh.

Quinn calling him the fuck out... QUEEN.

No Air put my flatmate to sleep. She’s literally snoring. 

Sign #32 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Yes you were at work all day but that’s no reason to GRAB YOUR WIFE BY THE WRIST because she hasn’t made dinner...

Sign #33 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Yes you should be able to go to the OB-GYN with your wife but like... Don’t book an appointment for her without asking???

Sign #34 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: “I can’t do a song with three kids” he says, when only 2 of those kids sang any actual lines in the first place.

...WHY is Dr Wu telling them about his bonsai? I appreciate it. I love a good bonsai. But like... What conversation did we just cut into?

Kendra is so awful it’s hilarious. Like, her terribleness makes her funny. TAKE NOTES JACOB.

The eye contact between Quinn and Rachel as she yells at her... Oof. They’re not being nice to each other, but chemistry is chemistry. 

“You obviously have a lot you need to express” “Oh, you have no idea” and then she SPINS INTO THE NUMBER... Quinn more like Queen

Quinn outside Sue’s window, singing at her begging her to set her free... To let her make a new start... God my heart hurts. I love Quinn!!!

Keep Me Hangin’ On is a bop. It’s not the best for her voice, but I still love what she does with it.

Maybe my gay ass is just obsessed with the dancing. Who knows? (I knows. My gay ass is obsessed with the dancing.)

Quinn stood in the front alongside Finn and Rachel as if Will actually gave her any lines...

Mercedes’ dad is a dentist. You heard it here first folks.

Sign #35 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: You’re a TEACHER. You can’t THROW SHIT AROUND whenever somebody makes you mad. Yes, this also applies to Sue - but at least she’s hilariously ridiculous when she does it!!!

Sign #36 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Yes, Sue sucks, but telling her she’s going to spend her life alone??? Fuck off???

“Those of us who still have two parents” Finnnnnnn

The kids: Hey, we’re more than just minorities!  Will at the end of this episode: Mmm, are you though?

“Did it fall off” No, but I wish yours would Will.

“Why do I feel like I’m about to fall through a trap door into a pit of fire” God William I wish you would!!!

YOU’RE ALL MINORITIES... [camera focus on a black student, and a gay student] Y O U ‘ R E I N T H E G L E E C L U B

2009 really was a different time

Sue be like: Quinn FAH-bray

This scene of Quinn sobbing in Finn’s arms and him just... Trying so hard to console her... Emotions. EMOTIONS.

KEEP HOLDING ON... Why did they give the female solo to Rachel in this song when Quinn doesn’t really like her, if this number’s really for her. Surely it’d be Finn and Santana, or Brittany, since they’re her closest friends in the club at this point???

KURT AND QUINN SPINNING TOGETHER... I love the few scenes we get of them together. And it’s a CRIME that they never got a full duet. They could’ve been hilarious friends to watch.

Oh god... Just... A close up of Quinn Fabray crying. Kill me why don’t you???