#like she has misphonia

[mystery-star]

My sister: BRO. Shut up. I can't hear people's sounds anymore for today. I'm so at the end of my nerves and can't deal with people anymore. *10 mins later* Sister: Bye, I'm off to be seeing a couple of friends

[sapphiscrying]

Tried to have a conversation with my mum about how her and ny family acts regarding my misphonia. My family (mum and older sister especially) make it seem like it's my fault for feeling the way I do about trigger sounds. My sister and brother purposefully trigger me and my mum doesn't make an effort to stop it. They also get mad as one of my coping mechanisms is to copy trigger sounds, which my family has shouted at me for as its 'annoying' and 'disrespectful', which is completely fucking wrong. It was my coping mechanism when I was younger too. The conversation ended with my mum laughing at me which is so fucking hurtful when she doesn't understand what it's like actually dealing with it. Idk if it's relevant but I'm also autistic which probably plays a part in my reactions but might aswell mention it anyway since this is a rant. My family makes me wanna tear my hair out I can't deal with this shit anymore

[medicinemane]

God my mom's such a disgusting slob

Walking up the stairs I hear the huge crunch of a tortilla chip eaten by someone who can't shut their mouth when they eat so... mouth sounds are disgusting because a mouth chewing has all the acoustics of a wet meat cathedral

It bothered me so much without even realizing it I clapped my hands to my ears as hard as I could and now they actually really hurt

[fixomnia-scribble]

Blue Bloods 8.12 Ramble

“The Brave”

Alrighty. This one's worth a proper ramble again. SPOILERS, obviously.

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Scene One:

WHO DARES to ghost Eddie? Wait. Most of the men she meets. Except for the one who looks her in the eye and tells her it's probably because she chews too loud. Hee. (Actually, I have a few friends with misphonia, who are literally nauseated by the sound of chewing. We eat in noisy restaurants to mask the sound. True story.) Anyway. As much as I want these two to quit dilly-dallying and get it on, I'm not about to criticize a woman in a tough, male-dominated, thankless job for just wanting to have fun and feel dateable, you know? And a surreptitious fistbump to Jamie for that little-brotherish poke while simultaneously coming across as being all supportive.

Their friend Bill was a sweetie. I hope he makes it to the end of the episode intact.

I liked Frank's speech to the Law Enforcement Explorer group. He really is getting worn out with the politics and paper-pushing and I don't blame him for missing the rush and satisfaction of good simple copping. And I think this was the first time I've seen him interact with a young black woman in a non-awkward way. He simply introduced himself to Sophia, and invited her talk to him further, as if her words had hit home and he wanted to hear more of what she had to say, not that he had things he needed her to understand about his position. That "Good luck" felt genuine, too.

Nicky's made her choice! I knew my girl would get behind a badge. Sami Gayle looks great all dressed up for business. She's going to make one hell of a cop, but I stand by my fanfic-Jamie's concern that she's going to have to learn to take orders and not try to solve every social problem by lunchtime. Which may be what Frank is going to try to tell Sophia-the-revolutionary. Wouldn't it be awesome if those two girls ended up in the same Academy class? Though I think the Explorers were rather younger.

Erin refereeing between Tony Abetemarco and Danny is getting a bit tiresome. I thought those two had decided they could get along, at least on their common exasperation with Erin? They could be so good together...

...waiwaiwait, within two minutes of Danny sniping that Tony used to bust down doors, the man actually does bust down a door, guns blazing, takes a hit in the shoulder and lands one in the leg of a fleeing gangster. And Danny charges to the hospital the second the call goes out, beating Erin there by mere moment, so he gets a chance to check in on Tony before he goes into surgery. And whatever differences they have, Tony's still a cop, and Danny's all over the investigation. Aww. And that'll come in handy, as the Department of Investigations is now investigatin' why Tony was shot in a dodgy massage parlour, with the implication that he was there looking for a happy ending. Because IAB and their ilk, on television, never seem to make a single phone call that goes: "So about Detective X. He have a legit reason for being in that area at the time? Oh, he was directly assigned to question someone at that address? Okay, cool. Thanks."

And now we meet Tony's ex-wife and one of his daughters, also a Sophia. Cutie pie. And of course Vivian is furious about Tony's admiration of Erin, and that he couldn't say no to Erin, even if it meant putting himself in harm's way. So much for polite, curious meetings between women with different opinions, because that can't happen on television.

Huh. Okay. The woman Tony was supposed to interview, who he was led to believe was in the massage parlour, now claims she was never in there, and has nothing to do with the place. Intriguing...

Enter Erin into Frank's office. This is going to go well.

Erin doesn't want Nicky to take the initial intake exam for the NYPD. Frank points out that it's not exactly an undercover Narco operation, which was probably not the smartest way to persuade Erin, because as she points out, that's the first step. As they both know.

Back to Eddie and Jamie, bickering in their cruiser as ever. They can't stop talking about Eddie's nowhere love life. She points out that usually, she gets dropped as soon as men find out she's a cop, because "God forbid I carry a gun and kick ass." Oh, Eddie. We've been here before. You even got the t-shirt, literally. Jamie's awfully quick to jump on that theory, and my fannish little heart leaps in case he reminds her of all the amazingly supportive things he's said about her being a great cop...but no, he doesn't. He thinks maybe she just did something the guy didn't like (maybe hoping to slip it in there that he, meanwhile, finds her ways charming?), and she gets snippety back about how Jamie always says that, and never suggests that maybe the guy's got issues, and oh, just kiss already.

Then they get called out  to a report of an unauthorized white male driving an NYPD cruiser, and yup, it's their friend Bill. And while Eddie and Jamie are quick to alert the Captain that Bill is developmentally disabled, is a cop-lover, and definitely doesn't have a gun, the Captain isn't taking any chances. So of course Jamie defies a direct order to stand down and approaches Billy, because that's what he does, suspensions be damned. Eddie hollers at everyone else to lower their guns, which are now trained on Bill and Jamie. Frankly, Jamie's proven himself to be highly effective at de-escalating situations involving people with mental health issues, and any decent department ought to have given him proper training and made him their point person for such calls.

Jamie gentles Bill out the cruiser he stole, and manages to get the cuffs on him, and even gets a "You're a good cop" out of Bill, while the other officers still have their guns trained on them. Eddie is quietly freaking out, and I'm not sure whether she's going to wallop him for defying orders and putting himself in harm's way again, or throw her arms around him for being such a damn decent guy and a good cop, or both. I think our Jam-o might have yet another suspension to ride out...

Oh my. I did not expect Jamie to call his Captain a jackass, right to his face. Um. You don't do that.

Oh, MY. I did NOT expect Eddie to do the same thing!

Double suspension. Enjoy your time off, kids. And maybe take a hint when even your Captain assumes you're dating and hasn't even bothered to say anything till now.

But insubordination charges suck. Bigtime. And I have a hunch they might have to lean on Jamie's last name after all, to get out from under this one. At least that look was definitely one of "We know we did the right thing and we'd do it again." Solidarity, kids. You got it.

Tony's awake and wincing at green Jell-o, and he and Danny are cracking wise at each other. Tony's gonna be just fine. Danny rattles through the same questions about why Tony was at the massage parlour. Finally. Tony answers honestly that he was told his contact was there, and explains that he's sure he shot the shooter in the leg. Danny has to press the issue and Tony boots him out.

Office of Frank. Good gosh, I LOVE how proud Abby looks to be waving Nicky into the office! This is a kid she's probably known since she was tiny, and now she's looking to sign up too. Nicky greets her grandfather, Lt. Gormley and Garrett with a cheery, "Hi, guys!" which she will certainly have to learn to translate into a snappy salute and "SIR." before long.

Aww, and I melt, because Frank has called Nicky up not for a talking-to but for a study session before the exam. My grandpa taught me how to tie my shoelaces when everybody else said my fingers were too small. Do not doubt the power of a grandpa with faith in their granddaughter. And Frank is freaking serious about the study session. Nicky snaps into focus mode. She is going to ace her exam.

Danny and Baez ID the drug runner who shot Tony. They find him - get this - in a pigeon-cote on top of a low-rise. He insists he shot himself with his own gun while cleaning it. There is banter, and he gives himself up, and asks to release his pigeons before they take him. They let him, and it's actually bittersweet. He loves those birds. And I know how deeply and genuinely even the most hardened awful human can feel for animals. The druggie watches them fly away and sad oboe music plays.

Now things get interesting. The older middle-aged woman Tony was supposed to interview, who he was told was in the massage parlour - she's actually a drug courier operating of the parlour. "Good cover, right?" the dude says, "Who's gonna suspect the granny?" Hm. Well, I knew something was up with her, but not that. I figured perhaps she was protecting a daughter in the massage biz or something.

Dinner table scene. Ooh. This is going to be intense, between Jamie's suspension, Danny trying to prove Tony's benign intent, Erin being held responsible for Tony getting shot, and Nicky taking the first step towards a badge.

It starts with Nicky in starry-eyed mode, quizzing her family about what they like best about being a cop. That part goes well. Then Erin wades in with some realism, and she's not wrong - it's nasty, horrific, thankless work much of the time. And then boom, Erin invokes Uncle Joe, even without naming him. As best as she knows, Joe was killed in the line of duty taking down a drug dealer. As other cops have been, and will be.

Erin asks her father to cut her some slack, with a convoluted explanation of family motivations and pride and not wanting to let people down that made sense when I first heard it, but which seems a little odd in retrospect. Anyway, she basically asks Frank to stand down and let her parent her own daughter instead of making her be the voice of reality in a sea of enthusiastic cops.

So has Frank not heard about Jamie's newest suspension, or was the entire dinner taken up with Nicky? Frank's moustache ain't saying.

Danny and Baez are interviewing Granny, who admits her granddaughter was shot by the Double-Tres, but denies that she herself was running drugs for the Warriors, the 33's rival gang. Erin offers her a pretty sweet deal if she cooperates. Granny's too smart for that. She even gets away with calling Erin "Honey" to her face, correctly guesses that their only witness is the shooter, and waltzes out of the station. Erin and Baez share a look that says exactly how drunk they intend to get together later on. Oh, wait. No they don't. But they ought to, and make Danny come pick them up after.

Erin brings Tony the sort of sub sandwich that should never be let into a hospital. He cheerfully apologizes for Erin's run-in with his ex-wife, claiming that she blames him for everything, including global warming. And then he reassures her that his shooting wasn't her fault. Aw, Tony. And then he tells her to her face that she's a hottie. Those must be some painkillers. Erin takes this in stride. And then Tony just cracks open my little heart with a speech about how Erin's smart, focussed, goes after what she wants, and she's taught Nicky to be the same way.

Baez, at sixty, says she wants to be living in a little house in Aruba, running a tiki bar that specializes in fancy drinks and Puerto Rican food. Not running drugs, like Granny. Danny doesn't look that far ahead, but hopes to join Baez for a drink at her bar now and then. Aww. By the way, does Granny seriously not know they're tailing her, like maybe twenty feet back?

Big damn warehouse shootout. Turns out it was something of a trap. And Granny is one of the shooters. Danny tells her, "You should've took that deal...Honey." Hee.

Eddie and Jamie meet for Chinese food. They've both been summoned to report to One PP on Monday morning, with no explanation as to why. Not even Frank has said anything. All they know is that they've been suspended for a week. Which I think makes this Eddie's first suspension, and about four for Jamie? Five? Yikes. Maybe he really does love his shop floor, even if he's like ten times smarter than any supervisor he's ever had.

Eddie asks for fortune cookies right up. Jamie points out they usually bring those at the end. Eddie says she knows, but she doesn't like to wait. Hee. That's my girl. Damn, these two look adorable in off-duty clothes.

Jamie's going to ride out the time working on Joe's Chevelle, and Eddie's taking kickboxing classes twice a day, and HAVE THEY BEEN READING MY FIC AGAIN? How far ahead are they filming? I love that we're all in tune with these two, anyway. Jamie better take Eddie for a sweet ride in that sweet ride, once he's done, you know? No dates for Eddie. She's taking some "me time".

And AHAHAH I just fist pumped the air while sitting in bed watching, because Eddie just admitted that the guy she was trying to date ghosted her because SHE TALKS ABOUT JAMIE ALL THE TIME. YES! That's my girl! You can't see the still image I'm looking at here, but Vanessa has pulled out this magic combination of sheepish and amused and adorable and like she can't quite believe she's even saying this out loud. Jamie does a whole spiel about "Well, I can see how your brave, handsome partner might be make other guys feel all inferior", and instead of Eddie levelling him with a verbal javelin, she just flicks him this soft look and murmurs, "It's ridiculous." Jamie agrees. AND THEN HE DOES THE LOOKING-DOWN SMILING THING that I haven't seen in an age. Oh, man. Gut me, you two. Also, nice parallel between them, and Tony talking too much about Erin to his ex-wife.

Eddie reads her fortune cookie: "The greatest risk is not taking one." And Jamie adds the traditional: "...between the sheets." Whoa, Reagan. Eddie is startled. Jamie explains. And then, good LORD, Jamie reads his own, which he claims to be: "Your partner wil make you very happy...between the sheets." WHOA, Reagan. They start tussling like little kids. Oh, ffs. Just kiss.

Monday morning. Reagan and Janko reporting as commanded to the One PP. And it turns out they're the answer to Frank's needing to give the Explorer group some real energy and information from behind the badge. Working in tandem, they tell the teenagers about Billy, about getting to know their neighbourhood, about making tough calls even at the expense of getting jammed up with the command - and that they'd do it again, because it was the right call. Gormley begins to move the group of teens along, but this time they want more, and most of them admit to considering becoming cops now. Eddie and Jamie share a look.

"I guess we do work pretty well together, huh?" Jamie asks Eddie, as Gormley leaves. "Between the sheets," Eddie whispers back. "Yeah...ridiculous," Jamie giggles.

Tony's sitting on the edge of his hospital bed, back in his regular clothes, reading a story to his daughter involving princesses going to college and demanding that their princes get real jobs. Aww. Danny comes around the corner, and gives them a boatload of good news about all the drug dealers going to jail and her daddy getting a commendation. The two agree to still not bury the hatchet. Hee.

Frank is lurking outside the building where Nicky is writing her exam. Erin dashes up, too. There's a nice little family confab about respecting each other's choices which sounds a bit contrived, but you know, sometimes things in families just need to be stated baldly and plainly. Nicky thinks she's nailed the exam. Attagirl.

This was a very sweet episode in an up-and-down season. We've had intense and fraught, and humdrum, and downright lazy. This one was heartwarming, and re-opened some very important doors that had been left hanging on their hinges. Here’s hoping they aren’t forgotten!

[lastoneout]

(Sorry to add this to a reblog I just struggle to be brief enough for tumblr's reply system's liking)

Also no worries, I have looked into it tbh and like I've always thought I didn't have autism cuz like, I'm not in to math? Which sounds dumb but like every article is like "do you find complex systems comforting or fascinating and you want to think about them and you understand them super well" and they use math as an example and my dyslexic discalculia riddled ass is like uh no(then again maye there are systems I do like that I just haven't realized are like that so maybe some introspection would help?) Also don't have long term special interests? They tend to fluctuate a lot, tho there are a few I tend to fall back on a lot so???

But I do find eye contact indescribably agonizing, I occasionally have become so stressed out that I've shut down and gone non-verbal, I cannot stand certain textures to the point that just thinking about them is distressing and there are certain clothes I cannot wear at all cuz of how horrid the fabric feels, I have had palilalia since I was a little kid, Ive got absurdly bad misphonia, I stim a lot like I rock back and forth when I'm sitting and I find it comforting and relaxing, and there are frankly a concerning amount of times where I feel like I am just speaking a different language than other people and I do not understand why people are...the way that they are??(Like one time my friend got really, really mad at me and thought I hated her and I ended up crying when she confronted me because I literally could not understand what I had done wrong and tbh I still don't get it? And not even "I don't think what I did was wrong" it's like, we were fine and then we weren't and I don't understand why.)

I just really figured my doctors would think it was just my adhd or my trauma cuz in the past I've had kinda bad experiences with doctors ignoring me or contradicting each other and such so I just assumed it wasn't worth it. Then again I could have both adhd and autism and also I was so good at masking and dealing with my adhd symptoms from going nearly 22 years without help that I very much could have learned to just deal with/mask any autism symptoms I have? I def do think I at least have adhd tho, I've been taking adderall for like 3 years and I think if I didn't have adhd I would have noticed an issue by now lol and I basically check ALL of the boxes on every checklist.

If anyone has an articles or things I could read up on tho I would appreciate it ngl, this has been on my mind like, a lot and I would like to figure it out if possible.

Turns out my palilalia hasn't stopped like I thought it had