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mwolf0epsilon · 4 years ago

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“Eps’s Notes on The Illusion of Living”

It's taken me nearly three months to get this done due to writer’s block kicking my sorry butt. But, as promised, here are my notes on the "Illusion of Living". Good god has this been painful… But I did have a lot of stuff I initially thought of Joey somewhat confirmed for me, and got a few extra interesting tidbits of info that I feel are very curious...

--{Key}--

Italics are my opinion

--{Key}--

--{Quick retelling of the book’s contents}--

The Drews were among the more impoverished families in New Jersey, and Joey's father briefly worked in the silk industry to make end's meet before opening his own shoe store (that his mother oversaw profits for as the accountant). As such there were obvious limitations to a lot of Joey’s upbringing (like a lack of toys to entertain him with, and very few family vacations/trips that were memorable).

According to Joey, the shoes sold at his family’s store were primarily designed for people in the working class (clunky shoes and boots that would endure wear and tear rather than be flashy or comfortable to wear, which Joey complained never really fit him right), and had one singular design that was simply improved upon rather than any variety (I suppose the saying here would be “don’t fix it if it ain’t broke” but Joey really seemed to have some sort of issue with this, as he disliked his father’s works).

Joey's mother was a hardworking housewife and the primary parent when it came to rearing her child. She educated and played with him more than his father, so Joey was much fonder and emotionally close to her than to him and, while Joey’s father wasn’t an absent parent by any means, he was definitely more engrossed in working to sustain the family.

This family dynamic definitely had some impact on Joey, especially since his mother got him interested in the art of storytelling in general, and he seemed to have a lot more respect for her than for his father. In fact he even had a few reservations regarding his father’s mental integrity when he discovered his talent for making voices in a rather odd manner.

It should be noted here that, while Joey's father was strong, he looked deceptively frail and wasn't considered a particularly brave man by any means. He was however regarded as a bit of an entrepreneur, and Joey was very concerned that he may not be sane (which was a bit of taboo at the time, considering treatment for mental health issues hadn’t advanced past lobotomies and other disturbing medical malpractices) because he talked and sang to himself in curious little voices while he worked. Curiously enough, while a patient and loving man, Joey's father wasn't aversed to cursing around his young son (although Joey himself doesn't seem to use crass language, even if it was normalized in the household). Another curious thing to note is that Joey greatly dislikes mud, and especially hated it as a child (alluding to his later obsessive cleanliness as an adult).

Because of the financial issues his family suffered through, Joey didn't have a radio or many books growing up, and was thus more fond of Vaudevilles (specifically theatrical comedy, tragedy, and bizarre/surreal acts) which were pretty common in his city of birth. This interest for theatrics and third person story perspectives mixed terribly with later events in his life, like how at age 10 he witnessed a potential murder/suicide (Jesus christ...). Through this event he realized that there were different kinds of people in specific situations, especially when faced with the finality of death. Joey goes so far as to describe how theatrical the death was (Almost sounding disconnected from the reality of the situation as he noted that the crowd and even his own father seemed more like characters to him than real people). However, since Joey's neighborhood was ripe with strange people, he wasn't unfamiliar with bizarre events happening around him. Seeing a motorized ambulance was more amazing to a 10 year old him than actually caring for the death of a stranger at the front of his father's store.

At age 12, Joey went to Coney Island for the first time, and the journey excited him greatly since he didn't get to leave home very often. The trip to Coney Island was magical in a sense, and later in life he hoped to replicate it in Bendyland to a more permanent degree (the trip back home ruptured the magical effect, which he didn't want to happen with Bendyland).

Joey has his own set of rules he plays by which he considers his life’s philosophy that he calls "The Illusion of Living". This was inspired by several events in his life, including his father passing the time by playing make believe (the Shoemaker and the Elves). This unique perception of what illusion and reality are (“the same thing”), seems to point to Joey having developed a dissociative personality disorder from a young age, which got progressively worse as he grew older. This in addition with the ADHD patterns he displays in his confusing rambling writing (and Joey rambles a LOT), and the almost OCD behaviour in regards to cleaning up after himself, indicates Joey lacked impulse control and was more prone to listening to intrusive thoughts.

Joey's view of reality was often confusing to others and he greatly enjoyed poking fun out of slowly getting them to his point of view. Conversations with Joey were thus quite frustrating to some, but no less curious to others that actually tried to understand what the “Illusion of Living” was about (Like Nathan). According to Joey, only a few people ever got close to understanding it.

Joey enlisted to fight in the first war after he lied about his age (He was 15 years old, a year younger than the required age to enlist at the time). Out of all the positions in the army, he seemed most interested in comms, and considered himself more decent in communicating than actually fighting in the front lines.

It seems like Joey greatly enjoyed how he looked in uniform, and was also particularly finicky about his looks in general despite being in boot camp.

He made friends in the army, Private Donaldson and Private Eckhart, which Nathan (who worked at the tech lab that Joey later worked for) attests to being accurately described in the book. They were slightly older than Joey and were also interested in communication tech and shared his sense of humor. They also influenced Joey's social life, and tried to get him to date some gals that he wasn’t remotely interested in (the first indication that he may not be straight).

Another close friend Joey had in the army was Lottie (a communications officer) and he used to "chaperone" her whenever the four went out to party. He seemed to have a considerable amount of respect for her (which is likely a result of growing up observing his mother, thus understanding that women were competent in positions where other men would scoff at the idea of them working at all). As such he was quite supportive of the War's “Hello Girls” (comms female officers). Interestingly enough this contradicts Joey's sexist persona that he seems to take on in Dream Come to Life (a mask that seems to be among many others he employs to fit in with the rest of society).

Lottie was his special gal pal in the platonic sense and, while he often ate alone to be left with his thoughts, she usually sought him out to talk to.

Joey only ever empathized with people he was close to, often reserving telling stories to comfort his friends specifically. It was the only way he could brighten their day (which later supposedly helped a disillusioned Lottie when she was sent to serve in London). What one could take away from Joey’s days as a soldier was that he was incredibly perceptive in terms of studying people. He easily recognized people’s handwriting, and was greatly fascinated by others’s personalities.

He could also easily charm people just from reading into what they might be interested in, and liked the thought of subliminally impressing others (which he later incorporated into his cartoons). It’s never mentioned, but Joey was likely honorably discharged since the war ended in 1918 and didn’t need to return to the service of the military when the second world war hit (keeping in mind Joey appears to have mobility issues later in life, he might have not been fit for field duty).

At age 19 Joey ended up involved in investigating the murder case of Walter Richmond, a signal corps soldier Joey met briefly in his service days. The victim in question was responsible for documenting the war efforts, not being necessarily that great of a photographer, but taking a certain amount of pleasure in capturing the most viscerally gruesome pictures possible for shock value. How Joey got involved was a curious thing in of itself, since he didn’t know the victim all that well, nor cared to get to know him. Detective Adam Sinclair (a tall hulking man wearing the typical trenchcoat and fedora combo, who’s most noticeable features were his aged face and unshaven 5’o’clock shadow) tracked him down to his little minimalistic (and obsessively clean and tidy) apartment to question him. Joey was initially unsurprised that an ex-soldier ended up dead (not from the war, but likely ptsd), and was instead surprised that it was a murder case. He ended up inserting himself into the case as Sinclair’s shadow to help solve it. The reason was mostly out of self-interest, but his perspective did seem useful to the detective in the end. Throughout the investigation Joey displayed a few particular traits that indicate his attentive and peculiar nature, such as the way he reads others (their way of dressing and upkeep of posture), the manner of which he judges a good handshake, his distaste for smoking (which was taught to him via the idea that if something smells bad it’s usually bad for you) and drinking (he tries to be careful with alcohol intake in general, as he’s more accustomed to beer than drinks like champagne which one could over-indulge recklessly without noticing). Joey’s fascination for taboo subjects (war, violence, and death specifically) is also noted when he observes the victim’s photographic works.

This is a prevalent theme in an art gallery event where these particular subjects seemed to linger strongly in his mind, to the point where he noticed when one of the photos he recalls having seen before during his brief meeting with Richmond, appeared to be missing from the display. A detail that appeared to be dismissed by others, but of great interest to Sinclair.

During this same gallery event, there was an incident set up by the murderer that involved a firecracker and a crowbar that set off a lot of panic. Joey’s work at the signal corps labs saved him from the brutality of the trenches, but he's apparently familiar with the effects of severe PTSD (And ironically notes that reliving the same painful event over and over again is his definition of true horror/personal hell).

It became very apparent to both Joey and Sinclair that the murderer was amongst them, and that this onslaught of panic was a message: That the murder of the frontline photographer was personal.

They did in fact come into contact with the perpetrator and, after a while of radio silence between Joey and Sinclair, the case was solved with...Minimal success. While Sinclair knew who killed Walter Richmond, he unfortunatelly did not have enough proof to convict her (the sister of a casualty of war that could have easily been saved, had Richmond not left him for dead because it fit his narrative of the war just fine), thus allowing her to get away with literal murder. Worse yet, the resolution of the case seemed to further disconnect Joey from reality and consequence. He gained a disdain for Adam Sinclair where once he’d respected him as an authority figure of sorts, finding that he’d accomplished his role and still failed miserably. In the end, the only thing to come out of teaming up with Sinclair was learning a social skill that Joey employed later on, by mirroring back certain aspects of a person so they’d be more comfortable around him. Otherwise the detective became nothing more than a distant memory. Unimportant in Joey’s later narrative.

Two years later, Joey started working for a bookstore where he began satiating his vast hunger for knowledge, now that he had access to all sorts of books he could never afford as a child. Joey is fairly well read with an interest in various genres, although it was previously noted that during his army service people made fun of him for especially liking fictional novels. Joey being Joey however, wasn’t overly fussed about others’s opinions on what he sought enjoyment from, especially when it came to storytelling. Aside from getting his reading quota filled out, his bookstore job also helped him develop his salesperson skills through reading his customers. Through his experiences with his father’s shop and shadowing Sinclair, he had by now understood that people were highly superficial, and that he could apply whatever knowledge he gathered from them into how he sold his pitch to them. His charisma seemed to lure in customers.

While working at the store he met Abby Lambert who he immediately noticed had an eye for art. Joey quickly became friends with her and seemed to greatly appreciate her no-nonsense attitude towards life in general, going so far as to respect her capabilities as a working lady where other men would be disdained with her difficult attitude. In fact, he wondered why anyone wouldn’t hire her to do a job she could clearly handle, just because she was a woman (again contradicting his sexist persona). As a connoisseur of the arts, Abby was the one to fully introduce Joey to her favourite craft. He especially took an interest in Impressionism and its influences.

Abby also supposedly introduced Henry to Joey, which the latter insists wasn’t really that remarkable of an event since Henry was “unimaginative” and “lacking in talent” due to his specialty in cartoon caricatures, and not the richer awe inspiring paintings Joey seemed to prefer (basically Joey spends any given time in the book trying to make Henry seem as insignificant as possible out of pure unadulterated pettiness, which physically pains me).

Ironically, in terms of entertainment, Joey later favoured cartoons as the more appealing form of films since most other mediums didn’t really spark his interest, even if the genres were ones he found fascinating (I suppose that despite films being works of fiction most times, Joey likely thought real life actors were far too limited in their acts due to the natural limitations of the human body).

Returning to Abby, her friendship seemed to be more impactful to Joey than most others. Like with how he preferred his mother’s company to his father’s, Abby seemed to be one of few people he actually felt comfortable around, to the point where her criticism didn’t bother him. She was also mindful of him, where she could recognize Joey’s “preferences” and made it a point to clarify to him that their outings were purely platonic so he wouldn’t get uncomfortable in those situations.

Three years after meeting Abby and Henry, Joey became a manager at the bookstore and Henry began working there as well (by Joey’s suggestion it seems), and only then did they sort of start developing a meek little friendship of sorts (although Joey seems very dismissive about it and focuses primarily on Abby).

During that time, the idea to start his own business came about from two different events that happened that year. The first being his first ever theatrical script that he wrote and performed with Abby at a gallery event. During the performance of this little play (the theme of which was an angel and a demon discussing their role in influencing a mortal’s life), Joey discovered that he greatly enjoyed controlling situations and got way too into it (even considers what he could get away with in the name of entertainment, such as if he could act out actual violent or scandalous behaviours if he proclaimed it a part of the show).

The second event was his father sending him shoes once a year (which, because Joey disliked the make of his father’s shoes, he tried to get him to stop by pretending they weren’t arriving at his address or that they were getting stolen). As a means to ensure he got them, Joey's father started sending the packages to the bookstore. A doodle and writing on the package ended up inspiring Joey to create his own studio as he wanted to take flight in the entertainment industry.

Having thus decided that he wanted to open up a film studio of some kind, Joey immediately set off to get himself a memorable mascot. He had a vague idea of what he needed and what might be appealing to an audience, but he wasn’t particularly skilled in character design and openly admitted to this. Abby, who was also not particularly good at drawing cartoons, understood that her more realistic style wouldn’t really help (or appeal to) Joey, so she enlisted Henry’s help. Knowing that Joey was a bit picky in regards to how he evaluated art, she thought perhaps she could persuade him to take a liking to Henry’s works (which he wasn’t particularly fond of, due to Henry mostly working with pen-drawings of cartoon characters and caricatures that looked very unremarkable to him) if he could only see him actually work his “magic”. Joey was reluctant to bring Henry into his business plan, but upon actually reaching a design within a few minutes (that took a few tries experimenting with animal and human features in more detailed and then simplified ways) of Joey giving some directions, he seemed to be sold on bringing Henry on board.

Henry designing the company mascot was thus the final push to open up Joey Drew Studios.

The two began their partnership not too long after, and from then on out things got interesting very quickly.

The history behind the studio is...Not an easy one to validate in terms of whether or not Joey is sincere or even really knows certain dates (the more I look into the beginning of the book and the later exposition of information, the more I realized either Joey was starting to trip himself up on dates or his memory was visibly failing him). There are a lot of discrepancies in the dates provided, with some going back on how long Henry remained in the studio (even claiming to have at some point surrounded him with other animators and even a lead artist a year prior to his departure), when Sammy and Jack were hired (He says he hired Sammy in 1929 during the Wallstreet Crash, but later says he hired both him and Jack after the Wallstreet Crash), among other things... Joey Drew Studios was primarily funded by Mrs. Richmond (the mother of Walter Richmond), as Joey had forged friendships with the people involved in the case he’d helped Sinclair investigate (including the murderer whom he had grown to respect).

While other investors aren’t really brought up, it’s implied Nathan also had a hand in helping the studio taking off, as Joey often met up with him at the Russian Tearoom whenever he could. During these private meetings, Nathan would impart advice on Joey. Advice which he seemed to not care for, as he already had his own concerns at the time.

It seemed that his main plan was to acquire a talented and capable team to achieve his dream. A team Joey thought he wouldn’t need to "baby-sit", as he specifically wanted to hire individuals that were as studious and capable as he saw himself (curiously Joey mentions that Henry’s work ethic was exactly what he wanted, as Henry had never held work back or needed to be checked up on, which to Joey was an invaluable attribute).

For at least two years, the Bendy Cartoons were nothing but silence and sound effects (something we actually see in-game in BatIM Chapter One when the projector suddenly turns on and we hear nothing but the clicking of the projector and Joey’s whistling), which put them at a bit of a disadvantage when it came to competing with other animation studios.

This soon changed when Joey came across Sammy Lawrence and Jack Fain at a party he was attending on his 30th birthday (which he wasn’t celebrating, the party was a completely different event so supposedly Joey doesn’t care much for his own birthday).

He was already familiar with Sammy’s musical skills (mostly playing the piano quite masterfully), as he’d seen him perform at the theater when Sammy was still a teenager. Noticing him and Jack at the party was entirely accidental and was mostly due to the fact that, while Sammy was trying to keep out of the spotlight as he played, Jack’s showmanship shone through and caught Joey’s eye with how boisterous he was in their musical performance.

Joey approached them once their act was done and managed to convince them to work for him. Jack seemed to be immediately on board, while Sammy was a little more guarded in his agreement and immediately set up his stipulations for the job. This seemed to lean Joey’s interest towards Sammy (who Joey was unhealthily fascinated with because he was clearly not an easy man to control) more than Jack (who he likely considered too easy a read in terms of character, thus not much of a challenge to sway or condition).

By 1933 Joey officially bought the entire building the studio was set up in (which up until then was occupied by other people seeking their own ventures). Expansion and new hires likely started a year or so later and continued on despite financial instability, and between 1941 and 1942 Joey was already starting to work out how he’d get Bendyland to be just as perfect and spectacular as he had always envisioned (which was difficult because he never really got it to feel just right in his eyes, and something felt off to him).

In between listing several different projects, vaguely describing an innovative techniques (Sillyvision which seems to be linked with the Golden Ink?), and even setting up his own 7 rules on how to animate to help set up a guide for aspiring animators, Joey slowly drifts away from the studio topic and finalizes his book rather abruptly.

He insinuates there’s a lot more for him to tell but little to no connection with the “Illusion of Living” philosophy and he’d rather focus on his actual physical work with the Studio than sit down and write further, so he finishes off on a rather...Vague note.

--{On Joey Drew}--

Year of Birth - 1901 (Day and month are never mentioned, but it's possible that his favouring of the autumnal season alludes to a fall month) Year of Death - ??? (Supposedly he's died, hence why Nathan claimed the Bendy IP) Birth City: Born and raised in Paterson "Silk City", New Jersey (Joey doesn't seem to have an accent, so he likely masks it, or made an effort to lose it). Physical Characteristics: As a child he used to have curly hair (Considering the era’s general fashion and style, it’s very likely that Joey either cut his hair too short to see the curls, or simply uses too much gel to seem more presentable) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Homosexual with Demiromantic subtones (Joey seems to be closed off in general, but more appreciative of the male figure. Could be interpreted as demisexual however, since Joey himself doesn't seem to like wasting time around people he doesn't have much of a bond with) Notes: Here are several notes I’ve compiled about Joey and his opinions on certain things and people. There’s a lot to look at as this man rambles like an old lady at a friday night bingo event, and thus I had a lot to take in!

Laughter is important to him.

Seems to be a dog person.

Likes Cheerios (yes this was a super necessary detail I had to jot down).

Considers having his ideas disclosed without permission to be disloyal.

Seems to have some sort of dissociative personality disorder (likely brought on by trauma or another undiagnosed mental disorder).

People-Watcher by nature.

Was taught by his father that the shoe makes the man (aka the art of studying people through their shoes).

Joey believes in the saying "The Truth is in the Pudding", a saying his mother often employed.

Never had enough money to own a pair of nice fitting shoes until he was 26.

Is narcissistically vain. Easily takes insult if people assume he can't look presentable.

His service in the army gave him experience with "experimental tech".

Enjoys music a lot, and he was considered a great dancer.

Finds modern feminine fashion standards appealing.

Disliked the way those with money romanticized lacking material gains. Found it personally disrespectful in a way, since he himself came from a poor family.

Seems appalled by too much color on one's wear (Joey is the goddamn fashion police).

Very picky about the arts.

Apparently disliked Henry's art style(???).

Lets people believe Henry is the creator of the toons, in an act of being holier than thou. (You lying son of a gun, stop lying to everyone and yourself whaddahell).

Joey's analogy of Henry starting a journey but Joey being the one to reap the benefits, is likely the truest thing he's said in this nightmare of a novel (boastful bastard...).

Thinks of Bendy as his firstborn, muse and messenger.

Took an art class with Abby (likely not a full art course, just a simple class to get the gist of it?).

Considers art the doorway to immortality.

Doesn't like post-mortem success (it frightens him, even). He'd rather be successful in his lifetime.

Admits to making mistakes, but not many. He also thinks mistakes don't need to be permanent.

Doesn't know what true rest is like, and is unsure if he'll ever be content enough to rest. On that same note he seems to really hate sitting still and his mind tends to wander, which he notes Nathan recognized with ease, even reserving a specific look for him (It’s the ADHD baby).

His friend Kyle was a lazy person and a gossip, which were traits Joey found annoying.

On their first meeting, Joey described having a desire to shove Sammy off a roof to see a more human reaction from him.

Assumes Jack is jealous of the attention he gives Sammy, or that the duo's relationship is strained, despite him barging into their lives out of the blue and making him feel like a third wheel.

Seems to think of himself as some sort of a messenger (going so far as to akin himself to the god, Mercury). His life’s mission is to help those who don't know they need to be helped (mostly through spreading happiness and laughter in such a dark and dreary era of human history). Bendyland is essentially Joey's means to fulfil this desire, as well as to chase his own need for a properly realized mixture of immersion and illusion.

He wanted Bendyland to be perfect, even the plot of land it might be built in needed to be perfect, so he inspected it himself with Nathan once he bought the deed.

Appears to refuse to call Bertrum by his proper name once he’s corrected the first time. Referring to him instead as either Bertie or Bert (toying with him perhaps? Testing boundaries?)

Doesn't drive. He instead hired a personal driver, Simmons.

For a little while he was living the American Dream, but thought of how he lived as less of a shared goal and more of a personal one (again setting himself apart from others).

His days were quite flexible and he seemed to despise set routines. He also doesn't like sleeping in. He liked to take a walk in central park early in the morning.

Joey used to make his rounds around the studio but the installation of the Ink Machine changed that habit a bit.

Nonchalantly notes that Shawn Flynn got a little defensive if he needed to be corrected on his work (OCD much, Joey? He was painting a lot of dolls by hand, slipups happen...).

He had priority meetings with Sammy, "meetings" with Jack (Sir what are these quotation marks for, are you snogging Jack while no one’s watching???), then met with the art department preceding the writing department, and finally he met with Grant Cohen in accounting to discuss finances and budget.

He had the final say in ALL paperwork regarding studio affairs.

Upon reading about it, found the concept of bringing in real animals to produce Disney's Bambi as funny, and joked about how trying to do so with Bendy and Boris would be chaotic.

Noted that Abby and Sammy were likely the only two people who closely understand the philosophy of the illusion of living, but not quite…

Was terrified of being misunderstood. Joey didn’t want to only be able to show half-truths, like a mirror reflecting the world darkly. Rather ironic considering he was quite deceitful in his adult life.

His desire for the world to love Bendy seems to be a projection of wanting to feel loved himself (quite honestly if one were to apply the theory of the id, ego and superego, it seems to me that Bendy is essentially Joey’s id, while Joey himself could be considered the Superego. The chameleonic social mask he wears is thus the ego. At the end of the day Bendy and Joey are and aren’t the same entity...).

Originally he didn't want to make a memoir (likely because he can't be direct and needs to work around the truth to fit him). It could also be that Joey didn’t want to linger on the past nor in death. He wasn't sure where it fit with his philosophy and thus tried not to explore too deep into it (existential dread?).

He wore custom tailored suits, and as of beginning writing TioL he had recently taken to wearing cravats (ever the vain man I suppose…).

Despite considering revisiting the past unnecessary, he couldn’t deny doing so if the time called for it. In fact, the Archives are Joey's memories of the past and he's sentimental enough to collect mementos of bygone eras.

Joey has trophies at home, the deeply personal things he couldn’t bare part with. Like the first sketch of Bendy, a napkin with the design of Bendyland, a letter from Henry, a ticket from a Vaudeville show, and his set of shoes he wore when he was surveying the plot of land where he planned to build Bendyland.

--{On Bendy}--

Notes: Here are a few notes I’ve compiled about the Little Devil Darling himself, and a few curiosities about his creation and the inspiration behind his character.

Bendy was officially created in 1928. According to Joey he was born of a dream, supposedly out of necessity, and he always had this idea of a little devil character doing mischief.

Bendy started off as a realistic little boy with a tail and horns (Abby’s attempt to bring to life Joey’s vague idea). Then, when Henry got involved, he became a cartoonish goat creature. The concepts were quickly worked out from a toony clothed amalgamation of both previous concepts, to a more intermediate design more closely resembling Bendy, and then finally, after Joey requested a simpler more shapely and less detailed toon, Bendy became the iconic little imp clad in only gloves and bowtie.

Joey named him upon seeing the completed design. There are two origins for his name: That of Walter Benjamin Richmond, who’s nickname in life was “Bendy” (a rather morbid homage considering what happened to him), and the mere fact that in Joey’s eyes, his little cartoon imp “bent all the rules”. Henry seemed to appreciate the name.

Bendy is meant to be the devil on one’s shoulders, much like the devil in Joey’s first theatrical play. He is however, a lot more like a little kid playing pranks on people. He is also a sort of embodiment of both the population and human morality (society at its most flawed point, but also quite relatable).

Buster Keaton was an inspiration for Bendy’s many shenanigans and movements, which were always meant to be fluid and a bit bouncy.

--{On Henry Stein}--

Year of Birth - ??? (It’s never mentioned how old Henry is, but I assume he’s around the same age group as Abby, since they were friends and likely went to the same art course. It’s likely that he’s younger than Joey, but not likely by much.) Year of Death - 1963 (It’s not really confirmed if Henry died when he was put into the Cycle, as he doesn’t seem to notice anything odd about himself, but it’s safe to assume the process very likely involves human sacrifice). Birth City: ??? (Unknown, it could be that he was born and raised in New York but Henry lacks a noticeable accent) Physical Characteristics: Average looking? (Irrelevant, he could honestly look like anyone really...) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Presumably Heterosexual (He’s a married man in the 1930s-1960s, he’s either straight or hiding his sexuality, he seems to really like Linda however so could go either way really...) Notes: Here the few notes I could gather of the Henry info we got from TioL. It’s not much but its at least something to work with!

Henry is unremarkable appearance wise (to the point Joey forgot his face easily at first).

The way Henry dressed (mismatched and ill-fitted) indicates he likely grew up in poverty and likely only had hand-me-downs.

He mostly worked with pen-drawn cartoon character designs that were unremarkable but distinctly caricature-like (the Butcher Gang concepts were likely displayed in the gallery Joey attended, as noted by a comment he makes about them). Even if Joey apparently didn’t particularly like his style, Henry’s artwork was one of the final inspirations for the creation of Joey Drew Studios.

He is described as able to draw quite fast, great at taking directions, and as being a good animator. Overall Henry never really had any real need for someone to keep an eye on him which made him an exemplary worker.

According to Joey, Henry used to give pep-talks before he left the studio. This seemed to annoy Joey considerably for some reason (perhaps he was envious that Henry was generally a more likeable person).

Henry is remembered as forgettable, whereas Joey is flashier and more memorable.

Interestingly enough, Henry never claimed to own the design of Bendy, and was more interested in being business partners with Joey than starting a fuss about who owned the rights to Bendy’s creation (It’s very likely that he willingly gave Joey the design because Bendy was his character, and that instead the designs Joey did steal were that of Boris the Wolf, Alice Angel, and the Butcher Gang, the five other more notorious characters in the Bendy franchise).

--{On Abby Lambert}--

Year of Birth - ??? (It’s never mentioned how old Abby is, but I assume she’s around the same age group as Henry, since they were friends and likely went to the same art course. It’s likely that she’s younger than Joey, but not likely by much.) Year of Death - Possibly 1946 (Upon finally losing himself to the ink, Sammy seemed to have been actively hunting the Art Department and any stragglers that he encountered in the studio, so it can be assumed she died in the chaos) Birth City: ??? (Unknown but more likely to be born and raised in New York than Henry) Physical Characteristics: Frizzy hair, even when bobbed. Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Bisexual (She seemed to be acutely aware of Joey’s “peculiarities” so it’s possible she’s either a member of the LGBTQ community or perhaps an ally. Whatever the case it’s up for debate and interpretation.) Notes: Here are several notes I’ve compiled about Abby and some of her traits and mannerisms. There was surprisingly a lot more to work with than I expected.

She wasn’t really into the typical female fashion of the time. In fact, Abby wasn’t exactly fond of the typical mannerisms associated with women and was both notoriously rude and dressed herself in a “scandalously” modern manner (which is basically code for more practical less femenine clothing).

According to Joey, Abby is a very focused and determined person, which is why he admired her greatly. She didn’t know when to quit, however, and sometimes took things too far or involved others in situations or projects they didn’t want to be involved in.

She wasn’t very good at drawing original cartoon characters, and Joey was apparently not overly fond of her attempts at putting his ideas to paper due to her more realistic art style.

Abby was very insistent on Joey looking at Henry's works, even if he wasn't particularly interested in them (While it’s never said if she enjoys his art herself, it can be assumed she appreciates it enough that she’d want their mutual friend to see the potential Henry had).

She didn’t join the studio as the replacement Director of the Art Department until 1931, as during its founding she was still finishing art school. She and Henry never worked together. Despite this, she and Henry remained in touch even after he left for Pasadena.

--{On Sammy Lawrence}--

Year of Birth - ??? (From how Joey describes him, it can be assume Sammy was a teenager around either Joey’s early or late 20s before they officially met on Joey’s 30th birthday) Year of Death - 1946? (Sammy is one of few people who was turned without being killed first so it’s hard to tell if he’s really dead even within the Cycle since it’s a time loop...) Birth City: ??? (Sammy lacks a noticeable accent so it’s hard to tell where he’s from). Physical Characteristics: Has been described as bird-like and insect-like, with either brown or blond hair that’s kept longer than the typical fashion of the time (Not much more is known about his actual appearance but it can be assumed he’s either average sized or on the tall side considering his in-game height and build) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Biromantic with a lot of Demiromantic subtones. Possibly Asexual? (Again this is pure speculation on my part because he did seem interested in Susie but isn’t really a people person in general. Does seem to know how to reign in people tho, so ???) Notes: Here are a few curious notes I’ve compiled about Sammy, the circumstances behind his hiring, and how much control he actually had as the music director.

He has an unusual appearance that, while not necessarily described as ugly, was clearly outstanding enough that some people were put off (Buddy) and others thought him handsome (Susie). His hair is also described as messy.

Sammy is an avid smoker.

He was among a few other musicians employed by the theater to drown out projector sounds and match the mood in silent films. Because he was good at improvising music on the spot, Sammy was excellent at carrying the story presented on screen through his melodies, which was what caught Joey’s eye when he first saw Sammy perform.

Sammy also recognized Joey and didn’t believe his dismissal that he was a “town person”. In fact, Sammy pinpointed the recognition to the fact Joey was that one loner that sat in the front row of the theater he played at.

It becomes very apparent that Sammy is suspicious of people in general. The way he observes others indicates he’s had some sort of struggle growing up. As such, he’s not big on sustaining conversations and he managed to aggravate Joey slightly by the way he addressed him on their first proper meeting.

Sammy had a songbook he shared with Jack, meaning they had a strong trust bond, which is why he only agrees to work for Joey based on Jack’s willingness to also be hired. Even so, he immediately set up professional boundaries for his position. He hired his own people without Joey’s interference, and he only ever indulged him if Joey was being particularly exasperating.

It’s very likely that since Sammy was the one hiring who worked for the music department, that he was the one who hired Norman Polk. This theory is made stronger by the fact he immediately demanded a projector and projectionist booth so he could better do his job.

Despite his surly disposition, Sammy is a no nonsense sort who wants things done and over with, rather than sit around and stall. As such Joey considered him one of the best decisions he made in terms of career.

Funnily enough, because the band seemed to be skittish around Joey, Sammy specifically prohibited his presence in the music department unless they had a scheduled meeting. This likely meant Joey was scarcely ever seen in the music department so as to not aggravate Sammy in person.

Alice Angel’s bigger (and failed) presence in the franchise is likely a consequence of another one of Sammy’s stipulations upon being hired. He had immediately noted that if the studio wanted to go anywhere, they’d need a female character (Perhaps Sammy really believed what he told Susie due to despising Bendy and actually favouring Alice as a character).

--{On Jack Fain}--

Year of Birth - ??? (Possibly around the same age as Sammy or a little older?) Year of Death - ??? (He was gone long before a few other people in the studio, likely in the first few experiments Joey performed) Birth City: ??? (Hard to tell, he doesn’t have an easily identifiable accent). Physical Characteristics: Has been described as an atrocious dresser (This man likes wearing bright colors!) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Homosexual subtones (Not enough information provided to tell) Notes: Sadly lacking in the information department for Jack.

Jack is incredibly sociable and trusts easily. He's described as making bad jokes but laughing genuinely at them. His smiles are contagious.

Jack is an optimist sort who sees the good in any situation (even when being led around in a dark creepy room by a peculiar stranger).

--{On Bertrum Piedmont}--

Year of Birth - ??? (He was retired, so it’s likely he was around his 60s or early 70s when Joey first met him) Year of Death - ??? (It’s unknown when exactly he ended up in the Ink Machine but it’s very possible he was killed when all hell broke loose in the studio) Birth City: ??? (No clue). Physical Characteristics: Joey describes him (rather rudely) as a very portly man. Sexual/Romantic Preferences: ??? (No idea, chief...) Notes: Lacking in the information department like Jack, but what we get is a lot more substantial.

Bertrum was actually retired when Joey managed to get a hold of him. It took a bit of detective work on Mrs. Rodriguez's (Joey's secretary) part to actually find him as well, so he was not an easy man to get an appointment with.

His creative vision impressed Joey enough that the latter he ignored his apparent dislike for reminiscing so as to get him on board of the Bendyland project.

While discussing the Bendyland Project, Bertrum confidently jokes about it being quite the catch. He agrees to joining forces with Joey as long as he gets full creative control of the entire project. Although Joey agreed to this, he still managed to fight Bertrum on a few ideas, which annoyed him greatly.

It’s very likely that it didn’t take long for their initially friendly relationship to sour into open hostility on Bertrum’s part.

--{On Wally Franks}--

Year of Birth - ??? (No clue, but he was very likely in his late teens or early adult years when he was first hired as the studio Janitor) Year of Death - Supposedly still alive (I really do hope he got outta there like the letter insinuates...) Birth City: Brooklyn, New York. Physical Characteristics: ??? (All we know is he likely wears overalls and a sport’s cap) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Possibly Heterosexual (Unless the letter is a forgery, he apparently has a wife, kids and grandkids) Notes: I’ll admit I didn’t expect to get Wally lore, but here we are!

Wally's actually quite skilled with maintenance. He can tinker with the projectors, other machinery and even plumbing. His schedule is a little off however, but Joey turns a blind eye to it because he gets the job done without question.

--{On Allison Pendle}--

Year of Birth - ??? (No idea! But she was relatively well known when she was hired!) Year of Death - ??? (She was likely lured back to the studio after everything went down but before Henry) Birth City: ??? Physical Characteristics: She’s a beautiful tall blonde according to DCTL Sexual/Romantic Preferences: ??? (She and Thomas are married but I honestly have no clue how to feel about her, she’s a mystery to me.) Notes: Extra minimal Allison lore for your Allison Pendle lore needs.

She was a famous Broadway actress before joining the studio. Interestingly enough, Joey was the one to hire her to replace Susie, not only breaking Sammy’s stipulation on the matter but also stirring Susie into becoming resentful towards Sammy and actually trying to recover her former role at all costs (even her own life).

--{On Nathan Arch}--

Year of Birth - ??? (He was likely a little older than Joey since they were in the army at the same time but Joey lied about his age to enlist earlier) Year of Death - N/A (Still alive and kicking) Birth City: ??? Physical Characteristics: ??? (I guess Boswell Lotsabucks is sorta modeled after him so go off on that???) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Heterosexual (He has a wife and son and doesn’t give me any other vibes besides and overall instinctual distrust) Notes: Oh boy...I do NOT trust this man...

Immediately upon beginning reading TioL you get the impression that Nathan is not only trying to appear friendly and trustworthy by referring to himself as Nate A, but also that he’s trying to cover for Joey and make him appear more personable to the reader. But to what gain exactly?

Nathan is, like Joey, very narcissistically vain, and is also writing a book of his own (an autobiography maybe?)

He’s a smoker and prefers cigars.

When Joey discusses his childhood, Nathan is unable to contradict or confirm anything as he noted that Joey was always very private about his origins.

Nathan seemed truly surprised and impressed with Joey’s ability to make up uncannily believable stories, even suspecting that his accounts of “Lottie” might have been false as he couldn’t find any of the supposed letters Joey sent her when he started working on republishing TioL (it’s likely he could see that Joey often lied to himself just as much as he lied to others).

It seemed to Nathan that Joey was rather oblivious of subtle compliments.

By the manner of which Nathan phrases it, he seems to think of Joey as a professional and kind man, capable of seeing the good in others. That said, Nathan remarks that Henry's departure was a great betrayal for his friend, and that the latter shouldn't have been so "gracious" and "forgiving" towards him…

When the studio began to struggle financially, Nathan worried that Joey might not be aware of the issue at all, or that perhaps he was lying to himself to cope. He also later notes that Joey’s memories seemed to have deteriorated in his old age. He was often mixing up information and seemed rather guilty, which Nathan considering to be very unbecoming of the man he knew Joey to be.

A lot of the deeply philosophical Joey and Nathan interactions seen in the book might actually have occured between Joey and Henry (the "I think therefore I am" conversation is an especially telling one for me), hence why Nathan doesn't recall them. It also seems more likely because they contradict the way Joey portrays Nathan, but seem to fit his portrayal of Henry better.

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #BATIM #The Illusion of Living #TIoL #Notes #Reference

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fictionadventurer · 4 years ago

Note

Have you seen the new little women movie? If so what do you think of it?

My initial thoughts on the movie are here. I just rewatched it for the sake of answering this ask. My thoughts can be summarized as follows:

This is a beautiful movie. So much loving focus on the things and the textures. The clothes are extremely Pinterest-and-Hallmark-movie aesthetic rather than anything remotely resembling history, but it’s hard to mind when every character is wearing three different textures and patterns at all times and giving the eye so much to look at. (Also, I was knitting during rewatch, so the knitwear was especially satisfying).

But I’m still not sure it succeeds as a story. Much like the outfits, there are so many different bits and pieces layered together, with different textures and colors that make it interesting to look at, but I’m not sure they come together into a coherent whole. Individual scenes could be good, but it was hard to connect emotionally to any of the characters when the backstory was chopped up into so many pieces.

I found it easier to differentiate between the past and the present this time--I finally figured out that the golden light is for childhood and the blue light is for adulthood. Noticing that also made me like the ending more, which I’ll get to later.

I liked the dancing scenes a bit less. They were a little less joyful and emotionally uplifting than I remembered. I did find it interesting how Jo and Laurie’s dance at their first meeting turns into a sort of silent film for part of it, until Meg intrudes and brings them back into the real world by telling them about her hurt ankle.

I liked the Meg and John story less. Emma Watson just doesn’t seem very motherly or wifely. However, the ending scene of the silk subplot was very touching and one of the few scenes in the movie that showed the self-giving side of marriage.

I still wish there had been more focus on the virtue development part of the plot--the “Meg falls to vanity” scene falls kind of flat because Laurie is just scolding her for...wearing a fancy dress? In a way that makes it seem like he’s just scolding her for being feminine and liking pretty things. We don’t have the context to make it clear that she’s bending her morals for the sake of being liked. The scene does set up a contrast between Laurie-the-moral-guardian and Laurie-living-a-life-of-vain-pleasure in the very next scene, but it’s not enough to make the Vanity Fair scene work on its own.

And why didn’t the movie have more of Mr. March? Let us see the marriage that has shaped the girls’ ideas of what marriage is supposed to be.

I found it interesting that the devoted spinster Aunt March who believes in marriage as a purely economic concern rejected offers to enter Meg’s wedding dance twice. She keeps herself but missed out on the joy.

I found Amy and Laurie slightly more believable as a couple. Though when Amy has the struggle of “marry for financial gain or marry for love”, it’s rather too convenient that the resolution is that she decides she’s really in love with a different rich guy than the one she was going to marry solely for his money.

Beth was a lesser character than I remembered (both in terms of screen time and emotional impact). However, I did like her role in the story far more because she’s kind of key to some of the themes (which I’ll get to in a moment).

I still hate Jo changing her mind about Laurie. It makes her choice of Bhaer seem like she’s settling for second-best.

Now’s the point where I’m going to talk about the themes and the ending. Which was the primary reason I wanted a rewatch--to clarify my ideas about this movie’s message and resolution.

SPOILERS AHEAD. FAIR WARNING TO ANYONE WHO HAS NOT ALREADY BEEN FRIGHTENED AWAY BY THIS WALL OF TEXT.

This movie is about three things: Marriage, Art and Money. Money is necessary to survive. Marriage and art can both be a source of money, but they are also pursuits that should be entered into out of love.

This movie harps and harps upon the fact that marriage is an economic proposition. It’s the most stable way for a woman to get money. She also gets love, ideally. But where the movie falters is focusing so much on the getting part of marriage and rarely on the giving. Laurie wanted to marry Jo because he wanted to get her love. Jo’s “I’m so lonely” scene specifically has her say that she wants to be loved, but not to love--she wants to receive rather than give. I’m not sure there’s any indication that either Jo or Laurie ever give or give up anything when they finally do enter into matrimony. It seems that they just get who they decide they want. Amy gets a rich husband and gets a man who loves her, but what does she ever give up for him, aside from another man who she also did nothing to love?

The silk scene with Meg and John is one of the few times where we see a married couple giving to each other, rather than focusing on what they get out of it.

Art, too, is a love that can be turned toward money, and most of the characters have this out of balance as well. Jo loves writing, but she wants to be seen as good, and she mostly cares about the money that she gets out of it. Amy gives up art completely when she realizes she’s not a genius. “I’d rather be great or nothing” is the exact opposite of doing art for the love of it--what she cared about was getting praise rather than giving something of herself to the world.

Beth is the only one who understands the giving nature of both love and art. She performs for no one’s praise or payment--she plays because she loves music. She’s the one who gives up her time to bring the donations to the Hummels when her sisters are caught up in their own pursuits. When she gets the piano, her sisters are the ones who are caught up in admiring it as a thing, but she runs off (without any of her sisters even noticing, too caught up in the wealth in front of them) to thank Mr. Lawrence because she recognized the love behind the gift.

Jo starts to understand the importance of love within art after Beth dies. We have the lovely scene of Beth encouraging Jo to do her writing for someone--give of her art. When Jo returns to her writing, the camera beautifully focuses on the For Beth at the head of the manuscript--Jo is not writing this for money or praise, but out of love for her sister.

I like the ending much better than I did before. I can see the golden sunlit ending as the “real” end of the story, because I noticed the lighting trick. When Bhaer is leaving the March house, Jo is standing in the blue light, but Bhaer is in the golden light. It’s as if Jo sees that a life with him could provide the same level of happiness that she knew in childhood.

It’s still odd that her family has to convince her every step of the way that she’s “in love”. But because of the lighting trick, I can more easily believe that she really did want to spend her life with him.

That dumb scene with the publisher is what ruins everything. We had Jo writing her book out of love. We had Jo deciding to give Bhaer a reason to stay. But it’s derailed by this weird focus on money. Jo keeps insisting that she’s “selling” her heroine into marriage, and that she’s willing to sacrifice her artistic vision just because this ending is what sells. I feel like if they’d cut out all that stuff about the contract negotiation--which seems only to have been put in because Gerwig wanted to show off this bit of trivia about Alcott’s business acumen--the ending would have been a million times more coherent on a plot and thematic level.

I can believe that the sunlit ending at Plumfield is Jo reaching happiness by giving of herself to others. Everyone is using art to give to others--Bhaer is teaching music, Laurie’s teaching some kind of drama class, Amy’s teaching painting.

The shot of the gold leaf being stamped onto the cover of Little Women, which had seemed like the final stroke saying “this ending is fiction” now seems to be saying that “this is the way the story really ends.” It’s helped by the fact that after Jo gets the book in her hands, we cut to the image of a group of little girls playing pretend--it’s Jo being satisfied in her book not because it’s her achievement or a source of money, but because she knows it will inspire another generation of little girls. Thus we can have Jo achieving artistic and personal fulfillment by publishing the book and teaching at Plumfield.

If it wasn’t for that contract negotiation scene, there wouldn’t even be a question of what the real ending was supposed to be. There’s only one version that shows Jo prioritizing the giving part of art and marriage over any selfish gain, and I hate that the ending muddles it so badly for the sake of misplaced meta-feminism.

#little women #little women 2019 #answered asks

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peachdoxie · 4 years ago

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It’s always an experience to look back at myself as an adolescent and realize how much of my behavior was influenced by the fact that I am asexual and aromantic but didn’t yet know that.

In elementary school, I mostly wore t-shirts and pants of some sort. They were vaguely feminine, but not very much. To be honest, I don’t think I paid that much attention to what I wore in elementary school, though I was obviously influenced by external factors. But in the fifth grade (age 10-11) is I think when I started to actively reject femininity. It definitely happened once I started middle school (11-14). I opted more for a gender neutral look rather than a masculine look, though I didn’t think of it that way - just “not girly”. This trend followed me into high school (14-18), though around age 15 or so I got over my “not like other girls” mentality, which was never super strong but definitely present.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to dress more femininely. There were times when I wished I could wear a blouse instead of a t-shirt and get a hair cut or something. I didn’t want to be super feminine and wear makeup or jewelry or whatnot, but the t-shirt look is hard to pull off and still be seen as mature and have people take me seriously as I grew older. I actually enjoyed the chances to look rather feminine when the circumstances allowed it – namely, dances at high school (until I stopped going to them entirely) and prom.

The problem was that I didn’t like the attention I got whenever I made a change. If I wore a nicer shirt one day, people would comment on it. If I got a hair cut, people would comment on it. If I did anything out of the ordinary, people would comment on it. And save for social situations that were intended for fancier clothing, such as school dances, I did not like the attention. At all. It was mostly from teachers and other female friends who were genuinely nice about it, not even unwanted attention from boys or men. It didn’t help that I went to a small K-12 school, meaning I was with the same 100-odd classmates every year and regularly encountered my old teachers. There were no good transition moments to make any changes besides summer, and even then I didn’t.

I used to wear my hair in a ponytail all the time – initially just to keep it out of my face, but then because I did that constantly, any time I would wear it down on a normal day, someone would comment on it. It got to the point where I would keep it in the ponytail all the time. It was somewhere past my shoulder most of the time. One day when I was 15, during my regularly scheduled hair cut, I decided to cut off enough inches to donate the hair and my stylist straightened my hair for it. It was cut to a bit above my shoulders. I wore it down the next day at school and got a lot of compliments about it. It made me so uncomfortable that I put it back in a ponytail the next day.

(I eventually got so sick of the ponytail and the way it made me look too gender neutral that I forced myself to get it cut short enough that I couldn’t put it in a ponytail and I just dealt with the discomfort until my shorter hair was normalized.)

It did vex me, back then, why I didn’t like any attention that focused on how pretty I looked whenever I made some change to my physical appearance. I didn’t think that it was because I didn’t think I wasn’t pretty and that’s why I didn’t like the attention – I was fairly aware of how body image problems in teenagers worked, and to my recollection, that never played a big role in my dislike of attention. I knew I had good skin and pretty eyes and did think my face was pleasing when I looked in the mirror. And rejecting femininity a bit helped me find solace in not conforming to beauty standards. I also must give credit to my mother, who was nothing but supportive and never pressured me to perform femininity, and neither really did any of the other adult figures that had a significant influence on me, which certainly helped.

As an adult who has studied queer theory and feminist theory, and who has reflected on my experience as a young acearo woman, I’ve come to realize how much my sexual and romantic orientations impacted me in this regard. It resolves the paradox of wanting to be more feminine-presenting to look more mature while simultaneously dreading any attention I’d get for making a change towards femininity.

To a younger me, any attention to my appearance when I presented even a tiny bit femininely meant that it increased the chances that a boy might ask me out. Not hit on me, but ask me out. It was one of the interpersonal things I dreaded the most during high school. I did not want a boy to ask me out because I knew I would say no because I wasn’t interested in dating. I was desperately afraid of making things awkward between me and whoever it was, because the boys that were most likely to ask me out (in my mind) were the boys I was close friends with. In my mind, knowing that a friend of mine in high school had a crush on me was a terrifying prospect – knowing that I had rejected them while they were still “in love” with me. The influence of media was definitely there, as I’d seen way too many Disney Channel TV shows and movies where the guy was rejected by the girl and it made things awkward. I didn’t want to lose any of my friends that way. (I won’t go into details, but my reluctance to date anyone did end up backfiring on me and I did lose a friend, though that was largely due to my own awkwardness on not understanding why I was so reluctant to date anyone.)

The romance part would have been okay-ish, but at that point I didn’t yet have a split-attraction model to go on and so, to me, any act of dating would necessarily involve holding hands, cuddling, and kissing, and possibly sexual activity, all of which I knew as early as age 11 that I did not want. And because I was repulsed by the idea of physical and sexual intimacy, dating was out of the question. I knew it was okay to not want to date anyone and to not want to have sex with anyone, during high school or ever, because my mother had raised me to think those are valid options (thanks Mom), but at the time, I didn’t have a concept of what being sex-repulsed was.

I think that made it difficult and uncomfortable for me to process the idea that someone could be sexually attracted to me. I wasn’t so ignorant to believe that other people were also repulsed by sex and I knew other people enjoyed sex, especially teenagers. But the mere idea that someone could view me in a way related to sex – even if they didn’t want to act on it – was so unsettling to me that I couldn’t stand it. I don’t think it was about being seen as a sexual object by boys, since those were easy to turn down (and I did have a few male classmates ask me out), but rather seen as being sexually attractive to boys I already had a good friendship with.

Also, while I was aware of homosexuality from a young age and had no problems with it, there were no girls out as wlw while all of this was going on, so it didn’t occur to me to be wary of their attraction. I knew as well that I wasn’t interested in girls, so – because my framework was “straight or gay” without a concept of asexuality – by default I must be interested in boys, and them with me. There’s also the gendered stereotypes of girls sharing everything with their girl friends, but not sharing emotional intimacy with boys. But most of my good friends were boys, and so if I were to be emotionally intimate with any of them, I’d have to date them.

Of course, I lacked the knowledge and self-awareness to figure all of this out until much later, and it took longer to come to terms with the relationship I had between femininity, others’ sexual attraction, and my own self-image (though none of that is static, nor should it be). I also lacked the awareness that the boys I was friends with who might be interested in asking me out might also not be interested in a physical and sexual relationship. I didn’t have the concept that an emotionally intimate relationship in high school could be anything but physical or sexual. I think a lot of it came down to the fact that I didn’t know how to process any potential awkwardness, but I wasn’t fully aware of my inability to process it, so I just avoided it as much as I possibly could. Looking back, there were definitely some contradictions in how I thought and behaved, but hey, I was a young and socially awkward teenager navigating an uncharted territory that I didn’t know was uncharted.

Besides being fairly vocal to my friends about the fact I wasn’t interested in dating (which I explained away by saying “I don’t want to be distracted by dating during high school”, such a typical excuse of non-straight folk) the best weapon I had against people finding me attractive was to downplay my appearance. And so I desexualized my appearance – or, rather, maintained the neutral appearance I’d had from elementary school and made it even less attractive to boys (at least, in the opinion of my adolescent self.) Any act of femininity that was noticed by a teacher or female classmate was something that could be noticed by a boy in my high school, which meant that they may be inspired to ask me out, which meant sexual attraction, which was repulsive and uncomfortable to me.

I hold no ill will towards myself for not understanding this when I was a teenager, and I don’t blame any of the authority figures or educators in my life for not helping me understand this. It’s likely they didn’t understand any of this themselves, and it’s not like I was fully aware of why I felt certain ways and did certain things either, nor was I very open about all of this either because I can be a rather private person at times. It’s also not like asexuality, aromanticism, and sex-repulsion are well-known things, let alone discussed frequently in books about childrearing and queer adolescents. It’s just another sign of how the hyper focus on heterosexual monogamy (also known as amatonormativity) in Western culture and society actively hurts queer people, especially when they’re young and aren’t aware that they’re not straight, or are but are struggling to come to terms with that (it also applies to non-cis folk, but that’s not relevant to my experience.)

Ultimately, I see my struggles with gender presentation and interpersonal relationships, and the stress they caused me, during middle and high school as a symptom of our culture and society’s failure in general to represent a wide variety of queer experiences – particularly outside of lesbian, gay, and trans identities – to young people so that people like me can better understand themselves. I can’t deny the fact that the social norms about dating and relationships in high school that I found in the media I consumed had a major impact on me, to the point where they sometimes contradicted how my mother tried to raise me. This post is in part a reflection on myself that struck me recently, but also yet another piece of evidence about how the lack of representation for ace and aro people actively damages our lives.

#wow this ended up getting long #anecdotes by peachdoxie #asexuality #aromanticism

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digitaldreams0801 · 5 years ago

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Tecna Profile

Name: Titania “Tecna” Petra Aster

Age: 16

Gender: Nonbinary (she/her, they/them)

Birthday: December 16

Sexuality: Pansexual Polyamorous

Magic: Technology

Astrological Sign: Triton

Status: Commoner

Occupation: Student

Affiliation: Alfea College for Fairies

Planet of Origin: Zenith

Hobbies: Upgrading electronics, building technology, playing video games, coding, reading

Family: Medea Edith Aster (Mother), Preston William Aster (Father)

Position in Team: Tactician

Pixie: Digit, Pixie of Data

Likes: Technology, being alone, cold weather, strategizing, inventing

Dislikes: Crowds, her father, heat, being awkward, meeting new people

Appearance: Tecna is the tallest out of the Winx girls, standing at an impressive 6’4”. This also has her being taller than the Specialists due to her large quantities of Zenithian blood. She has pink hair, another trait from Zenith, cut in a pixie hairstyle close to her face with her hair covering one of her eyes. She has turquoise eyes leaning on the blue side of the spectrum. Tecna is lanky and skinny, appearing to be mostly skin and bones at a first glance. She lacks physical attacking strength due to her minimal amounts of muscle. Her posture is nearly perfect, but since she is so tall, she rarely makes eye contact with anyone. Tecna tends to wear more modest clothing due to growing up on one of the coldest planets in the Magical Dimension, hiding most of her skin under loose t-shirts and hoodies with long pants. Her skin is incredibly pale since she grew up without much sunshine and rarely went outside when it was light out. Her favorite colors to wear are on the cooler spectrum such as green, blue, purple, and turquoise. Tecna has pointed ears and a lower body temperature than usual, making her feel like ice to the touch.

Personality: Tecna is emotionally distant, to say the least. She doesn’t talk much with other people on matters of the heart, making her struggle to portray how she is feeling. When it comes to technological data, on the other hand, Tecna is natural at communicating. She seems to show off how smart she is without even intending to, seamlessly portraying all that she knows. She can figure most things out at a first glance, and if they do challenge her, it won’t take long for her to find the truth. Tecna doesn’t talk to many people unless they approach her first, having been taught as a child not to speak unless someone speaks to her first. She doesn’t know what emotions are meant to feel like after not being shown much affection growing up. When people show love towards her, she tends to respond with confusion and numbness, unsure of how to respond to such. Tecna holds confidence in herself simply because it hasn’t ever been challenged. Growing up, Tecna was told more of how to be rather than being allowed to develop on her own, making her come off as a robotic conglomerate of everything an upper-class family would want an heir to be like. However, she does want to connect with others after years of being alone without any children her own age to be friends with. Upon getting closer to other people who treat her with kindness, she tends to throw herself in danger if need be to ensure that they are protected. She loves her friends immensely, even if she isn’t sure how to display it. She’s an introvert by nature, preferring her time alone to being with many other people. She loves to learn more and researches new subjects often. Tecna is patient, calm, and smart while also being unsure of how to interact with others.

Background: Tecna was born to Medea Edith Aster and Preston William Aster, an upper-class couple on Zenith. Preston led an important company producing technology with heavy ties to the leaders of the planet, making him partially a politician and partially a businessman. Medea was born to another important family in the business world and was pushed to marry Preston for the sake of increasing the power of her bloodline. Together, the two had a single child, who they named Titania. Preston had been looking forward to a son to pass the business onto, so when he wound up having a daughter, he grew angry. Medea was found to be infertile soon after giving birth to Titania, and Preston started to ignore them both to focus on his business. Titania attempted to reach out to him to the best of her ability, but he ignored all of her attempts to reach out due to his anger and disappointment, claiming he wasn’t able to reach out due to his focus on the business. Medea did her best to raise Titania, but she was often arguing with Preston while he was home and grew numb to the world, meaning she was a lackluster mother at best, even if she wasn’t openly horrible to her daughter. Medea did care, but she struggled showing it due to years of being manipulated causing her to grow distant from her emotions. Upon realizing Preston wanted a son instead of Titania, she attempted to adapt into a more masculine young girl with hopes of gaining his approval. Even so, Preston continued to ignore her, and the lack of care started to have a negative impact on her. Now, Titania was roughly ten. Throughout her childhood, she was tutored by many specialized teachers before going to a private school paid for by Preston, seemingly to get her to stop pestering him. Once she started going to school, Titania began to go by Tecna as a way of distancing herself from her father. Regardless of who was teaching her, Tecna excelled, showing herself to be a prodigy in her own right. Even with her success, Preston didn’t support her at all, leaving Medea as Tecna’s only supporter. Tecna started inventing things at around this time, finding a particular interest in technology. She also found herself to be a fairy, something surprising given that Preston and Medea both had minimal magic and couldn’t fight at all. After doing some research, Tecna decided that she wanted to go to Alfea, and she wound up getting a scholarship there based on academics alone since her father refused to support paying her way there despite having more than enough money to pay for Tecna’s tuition. Just before setting off, Tecna bid Medea goodbye, meeting with Preston one last time before leaving for Alfea. The two got into an argument about Preston’s lack of involvement in the sixteen years of his daughter’s life with Tecna saying that she never had his support growing up while countless others her age did have a father to lean on. Preston shrugged her off saying that he was too busy to involve himself in such trivial matters. Tecna snapped at him that he was selfish and would have been in her life if she had been born in a way that would have been optimal for him. She called him neglectful for ignoring her nearly all her life and manipulative for the way he treats Medea. Preston told her that she would never be able to understand his place in the world and the pressure that it brought, and Tecna vowed that she comprehended a lot more than he knew, not that he would realize it due to his absence. She internally decided to make a good life for herself as a way of getting back at his neglectful behavior before leaving for Alfea. Tecna held no guilt over the argument with her father since he never cared for her to begin with, allowing her to set out with a clear conscience and a wish to make a better future.

Other: Tecna enjoys writing in her free time. After reading for many years as a child to escape her real life, she grew to hold a deep fondness for fiction regardless of the genre. She started writing when she turned roughly thirteen and has been ever since, but she doesn’t share her stories with anyone. There are some theories that she publishes her works online under an alias, but no evidence has ever been found of such due to her innate ability to hide things easily. Tecna has a fear of emotion, burying her thoughts in logic to keep from being swept up by feelings. As a child, she didn’t see much out of her mother, and she was only the subject of two primary emotions: disappointment from her father and pride from unnamed people who only wanted her for her prodigious mind. Since the disappointment was negative and the pride was empty, Tecna grew to be partially afraid of how people would feel towards her since it wasn’t ever genuine and positive. She doesn’t like to be excessively praised at first since it comes off as empty and manipulative since so many people only wanted her for her mind in the past. After a while, she learns about sarcasm and humor, and she takes full advantage of it at all times.

Position in Team:

Tecna is an impeccable tactician, enjoying playing strategy-based video games in her free time. She can use logic to find her way out of most situations, and her mind works quickly enough for her to find solutions in a timely manner. Tecna excels at using the environment to her advantage and can devise a strategy using the area around her quickly. She often gives the group orders in battle due to her position as the strategist even if she doesn’t hold an optimal demeanor to be a leader.

Dynamics:

Bloom: Bloom is a naturally patient person, and the two are polar opposites in the matter of emotional versus logical. The two are learning from one another slowly, with Bloom showing Tecna that emotion isn’t something to be feared and Tecna teaching Bloom how to think with her head in crucial moments. Even if they’re opposites, they value one another’s opinions greatly and listen to what the other has to say both in and out of battle, helping each other to expand their world views.

Stella: Stella and Tecna spend a lot more time together than one would expect. They enjoy guilty pleasures together such as watching cartoons and reading mangas, discussing such often. Stella is happy to help Tecna with opening up to people more due to her extroverted nature, allowing them to mesh easily in an odd way. Stella gladly drags Tecna into talking with people, though Stella is careful about making Tecna overly uncomfortable while still taking her out of her comfort zone slowly.

Flora: Flora and Tecna are the two quietest girls in the group, and they enjoy quiet time together often. Flora approached Tecna first with hopes of pulling her out of her shell to talk with people a bit more often. Tecna was unsure of how to respond at first, but she slowly started to open up to Flora, realizing that perhaps emotion isn’t quite as bad as she was led to believe. Flora is the best at guiding Tecna through her steadily-developing emotions and is constantly patient with her.

Musa: Musa and Tecna are roommates at Alfea, and they get along perfectly. They understand the need to be quiet and are comfortable with enjoying silence around one another. Both of them have issues with their fathers and get along because of this. They never get into arguments either, understanding one another without even needing to speak. While both are quiet, they communicate well through body language, picking up on the other’s odd habits near instantly.

Aisha: Since Aisha was so physically apt and put a lot of focus on self-expression, Tecna didn’t know how to respond to Aisha’s joining the group, being the complete opposite. After a while though, the two did try to spend more time together, learning about different ways of expressing themselves (through actions from Aisha and words from Tecna) in the process. Aisha and Tecna are slowly working their way to showing their feelings openly after years of repression as well, being similar and treating each other with immense respect in that regard.

Roxy: Tecna invited Roxy to the party as soon as she joined the group, helping her into the ins and outs of being magical quickly. Tecna has grown to be much more open and emotional by the time Roxy joins the group, and she helps Roxy as a mentor figure, showing her pride openly and without hesitation. Tecna does a great job at teaching Roxy at a solid pace she can understand. Roxy, in turn, introduces Tecna to Earth media, which they enjoy together often.

Diaspro: Tecna and Diaspro are both emotionally distant from their parents and hid their feelings for many years. While Diaspro showed how she felt as an act of rebellion and a wish to take over her own fate, Tecna never had the drive to do so. Diaspro is the one to encourage Tecna to take charge of her life and to not let her father define her. Despite being radically different, they have a surprisingly strong relationship and enjoy talking a lot about what they’re going to do with their futures.

Sky: Tecna and Sky don’t have the chance to talk to each other much. Their relationship is based strictly on business, and they fight together well. They share a similar relationship to Tecna and Diaspro’s, but they don’t reach out to one another as often. They both long to take control of their own lives after years of being manipulated and pressed into a fate they didn’t wish for, making them both quiet rebels, though they don’t talk about such nearly as often as Tecna and Diaspro.

Brandon: Brandon is surprisingly one of the more tactical members of the Specialist team, even if he’s not the designated strategist (that person being Timmy). He and Tecna get together every once in a while to test their mettle on strategy games, though Tecna beats him every time. Even so, they can learn from one another and devise new plans each time they meet up, allowing each other to see what the other would do in the same situation, improving their futual plots in battle.

Riven: Riven and Tecna can get the most sarcastic out of their respective groups and are similarly the most emotionally distant. Riven has a much greater temper than Tecna, easily growing angry and violent where Tecna is calm and patient. They don’t get along all that well due to their large differences in personality, but they don’t hate one another either. They rarely get into fights since Tecna refuses to respond when Riven gets too hostile, as in particularly bad moments, it can remind her of her father.

Timmy: Timmy and Tecna connected the fastest out of any Winx and Specialist combination. They’re both awkward, patient, love technology, and are distant from how they feel about other people. They’re best friends through and through, easily understanding each other without the need for words. Slowly but surely, they’re working on communicating how much they care about both each other and other people. They care greatly for each other and use one another as emotional rocks in a way.

Helia: Helia and Tecna don’t talk to one another very often but still get along well. They’re both quiet and are working on opening up to other people regarding their emotions. They express themselves differently but hold a strong relationship regardless. Helia found out where Tecna posts her writing online and figured out it was her after seeing into a notebook she dropped. He began to read her stories and found himself in love with them, but he doesn’t tell anyone the truth about her online identity as per Tecna’s wishes.

Nabu: By the time Nabu finds his way into the party, Tecna is much more open with herself. As such, she uses sarcasm often, and the two of them have snarky competitions from time to time, and it’s hard to find a winner. It’s all in good fun at the end of the day. Nabu finds himself indebted to Tecna due to her closing the Omega Portal before they met, and he’s incredibly grateful to her for saving his planet, causing him to go out of his way to ensure she’s safe and alive after meeting her, not that he would openly admit such.

Preston: Tecna holds a quiet enmity towards her father, even if she refuses to admit it to others. His lack of affectionate behavior towards her caused her to shut down emotionally as a child, leading to her immense struggles later in life. Preston’s open neglect and refusal to give her attention strained their relationship. Preston holds disappointment towards Tecna for not being the son he always wanted, and Tecna hates him for not accepting her as she was, instead being more in love with the image of a nonexistent child than her.

Medea: While Tecna does love Medea, the latter isn’t a good mother. Medea grew emotionally stunted after years of living with Preston, who openly manipulated and blamed her for his issues. She struggled to show her love for Tecna while the latter was little, and she wasn’t able to support her child due to her disconnection with reality. When Tecna grows up, Medea tries to better herself to improve her relationship with her daughter, and after a while, they connect in an attempt to make up for lost time.

Digit: Digit is similar to Tecna in their love of technology, but they are much more open with how they feel. Digit is outgoing and leads the pixies fearlessly, the complete opposite of quiet, reserved Tecna. Digit is happy to try and get Tecna to open up to others, believing that if she can build stronger relationships, it will help her greatly in the long run. Digit is Tecna’s biggest fan, encouraging her always. The two play video games together often, and Digit is the sole person Tecna has told about her secret online writings.

#winx club #winx rewrite #winx tecna #tecna #winx #digital's winx rewrite

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sunnymoon-sunshine · 5 years ago

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After having finally broken and read a Warriors book for the first time in years, I have been met with overwhelming joy at the familiarity behind the words and stories that make up the clans. Additionally, it sparked the inner need to analyze any piece of fiction I get my mittens on.

Mapleshade’s Vengeance is a fascinating short story in that I’m not entirely sure what they wanted to do with it in the end. The best summary I can think to come up with is that “Everyone is an awful cat, except Nettlepaw”. At times their motivations, once you dig through it, makes sense - and other times, it has absolutely no basis in common sense. It feels partially as if it is the perfect storm of bad circumstances, and partially cats acting in a way that the author is writing to push the story.

ThunderClan is filled with cats that are motivated by personal reasons, rather than that of any sound logic. This, however, I can forgive. It brings depth and points out the flaws of the clans. Oakstar, for instance, is emotionally motivated - he has lost his son to a clan they’ve long held a rivalry against, during a bitter and bloody conflict. His motivations in the story line up - he’s bitter against RiverClan, mourns his son, and has had his hopes raised and then ultimately dropped when the truth comes out - Mapleshade’s kits are not Birchface’s, but that of his apparent murderer. While it would have made much more sense to keep the kits, Oakstar does not run on logic. He is an emotional cat.

And frankly, his and Frecklewish’s reactions to Mapleshade’s lie makes an excellent argument for the addition that leaders should not have kits. If a medicine cat not taking on a mate or kits supposedly makes them unbiased caregivers, then it would only make sense that a leader - the one who ultimately makes decisions for the clan, and can even propose additions to the warrior code. Oakstar is the perfect example of an unbiased leader whose reaction could never have been unmotivated, because it involved that of his dead son.

That isn’t to say that Oakstar was a terrible leader in general, or that his reaction was entirely unjust. Just that it was emotionally motivated, as was Frecklewish’s.

On the subject of Frecklewish, that poor girl. She mourned her brother so hard to the point that she clutched onto Mapleshade’s unborn kits as if they were an extension of her brother. Mapleshade was justified in her heated reaction to this, “I will not have my kits judged before they have even begun their warrior training!”. The extent of this latching on of Mapleshade’s kits is both heartbreaking for them, and yet terrible for the kits involved. They never deserved their heritage shoved onto them, anyway, with such a strong insistence that they’re Birchface’s kits that Frecklewish shows dismay when none are to be named after him. Like, excuse me? I have this feeling that, if the truth had not come to fruition so quickly, the kits would have grown up knowing themselves mostly as an extension of their father. They were judged against Birchface at every step, by the Rabbitfur and Ravenwing and everyone else in the clan. For as much as she missed her brother, Frecklewish (and to some extent, Oakstar) show an alarming trend in viewing these kits less as children of Birchface, and more that they are extensions of Birchface’s legacy.

Which shows an interesting period in clan history. It isn’t only ThunderClan who shares this idea, but also Reedshine’s declaration that Appledusk will live on through his kits. Be it a case of the author writing it in to give the story more impact or not, the idea that this period of clan involved a much stronger emphasis on warriors living through their children is a period that doesn’t seem present in many other eras, save for the notable cats such as Tigerstar, Firestar, etc.

Mapleshade herself is likely the best written in the entire book. She’s emotionally driven, like much of ThunderClan. She’s sympathetic in her plight. And yet she’s selfish. For all Mapleshade is, for as likeable as she can be, she refuses to accept consequences for her actions. ThunderClan will accept these kits, she thinks, if they just get to know them. There will be no negative consequences because I did nothing wrong. She has dreams of grandeur, which ultimately, are born from the desire that her kits will be loved by both clans, which is unrealistic to say the least. Her idea of reality and what the inevitable is are two very different things. Even when her kits are dead, and she’s faced with so many realities at once - that RiverClan holds no love for her now departed kits, that Appledusk himself holds no love for her, and that ThunderClan has cast her out and RiverClan holds no obligation to allow her to stay - she denies it, and finds any way to make it someone else’s fault.

And to be fair, I should say that it is partially on the shoulders of ThunderClan that those kits died. However, the extent that Mapleshade went to enact her revenge on them, to shift the blame anywhere from herself and her actions, is both fascinating and terrifying in its extremes. And I wouldn’t say that it was carrying them across the river that led them to their doom. Mapleshade was pushed into a corner, and convinced that RiverClan would offer her a home when ThunderClan could not. And very likely, they would have at the very least taken in her kits. Ultimately, it was her affair with Appledusk, and the lies she allowed to fester that caused her to be banished from her own clan. The river did not kill those kits - it was their mother’s actions before that point that did.Mapleshade is possessive refuses to accept the reality of the situation she’s created. Her conviction when - after she murdered ThunderClan’s sole medicine cat and still found no peace - to target Frecklewish, “Frecklewish needed to pay for the lost kits, just as Ravenwing had done.”

Oof.

Though I will say, Mapleshade is entirely sympathetic. Her heartbreaking reaction to seeing her lost kits is a real, raw reaction. And I must say that, her losing her mind after her home cast her out, her children died, and her mate turned his back on her is something that is entirely realistic. They did Mapleshade dirty. She had done a great wrong, but she had her entire life ripped out from under her. It’s just that ThunderClan chose to do this to the literal worst cat. She may have done wrong, but ThunderClan’s decision to cast out her and her kits both led to the creation of something far more horrific than a break of the code.

Which leads me to the fascinating case of Ravenwing, the ThunderClan medicine cat. I’ve thought long and hard about him, and I still feel as if he is... far too neutral. He has no emotional stakes, in a story that is run on nothing but emotion. He has no reason, other than an old rivalry, to cast out the kits. Medicine cats are supposed to be neutral, and yet the basis of even casting the kits out is based on his suggestion that “reeds do not belong in the forest”. It feels very odd for a medicine cat, but odder still is that he is just so maddeningly neutral. He has no real emotional reason to do this, he’s calm and collected, just doing his medicine cat duties. Medicine cats are neutral enough that a RiverClan cat came to ThunderClan in their time of need, even during a bitter conflict. Ravenwing’s insistence that the half-RiverClan kits do not belong in ThunderClan, though they’re two months old and still on milk, is baffling. It would be a sound Oakstar decision, but not that of a Ravenwing, from what we see of him. He isn’t malicious, he’s just. There. A medicine cat. It would have made far more sense of he was acting on some kind of dislike for RiverClan, but the text reads as though he’d simply seen a sign and decided, oh, we don’t need silly half-RiverClan cats in our clan.

But even then, while not present in the text, it can be assumed that his actions are to protect ThunderClan, ultimately something to protect themselves from a scandal, and a refusal to allow Mapleshade to indulge in her lies. While he did push for her kits to be exiled, he did not want her to lie about the true identity of their father - something she never said aloud, but allowed to spread. It’s just, in a story filled with cats who act on emotion, he remains the one that seems to react on the basis of justice - which does his character wrong, I feel. It would be easier to empathize if he had some sort of emotional stake, like Oakstar or Frecklewish, but frankly, I agree with Mapleshade. He had a hand in killing her kits, by not standing up for the two moon old children who were being cast from the only home they had ever known. They could have grown up fiercely loyal to ThunderClan - they had all the makings for it. But they would always be scrutinized for their RiverClan father.

Speaking of Appledusk, I should make an amendment to my thoughts on Ravenwing. I said that every character made decisions based off emotion. That is a lie.

Appledusk thinks only with his dick.

I mean, that’s it. That’s the worst part of the novella. Appledusk gets forgiveness because Darkstar thinks he’s sorry? Excuse me? It’s understandable that RiverClan wouldn’t accept Mapleshade into their ranks - they had no reason to. She was not one of their warriors. But oh, my god, Appledusk seems slightly sorry because uh-oh, his cat weenie went flying around to ThunderClan and now his side hoe came to ThunderClan with his three dead kits because they’ve been exiled and he gets forgiveness because he’s sORRY? AND BECAUSE REEDSHINE’S LIKE, AW IT’S OKAY I’M SURE HE DIDN’T MEAN TO.

REEDSHINE, YOU COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH BETTER. BOTH YOU AND MAPLESHADE COULD HAVE.

Appledusk didn’t deserve death, he deserved to be mauled.

I feel very strongly about this.

In the short story, it feels as if every character is motivated by personal reasons, which does it justice and also detracts. ThunderClan created their own problem, something that is seemingly not acknowledged anywhere else, though Mapleshade was no angel herself. The lies from her mouth and the heated reactions from ThunderClan created a force that would haunt the clans for generations afterwards, causing so much bloodshed and harm. While it has its problems, the Mapleshade’s Vengeance is an interesting look into an ancient ThunderClan, and the problems that arise when literally everyone is an awful cat except Nettlepaw.

And I conclude this with a thought that the ending seemed off. It doesn’t feel right for Mapleshade to be content with not seeing her kits ever again. From how fiercely she loved and missed those kits, I would have wanted to see a Mapleshade that would have clawed the moon out of the sky to see her kits again, no matter the cost.

Poor, poor Mapleshade.

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lettersnorth · 5 years ago

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Aislinn North

Name: Aislinn North

Race: Hyur

Gender: Female

Age: 32

Sexuality: Demisexual

Server: Balmung

Residence: She has a small apartment in Limsa Lominsa and is employed by a Free Company based out of Gridania.

Birthplace: Ala Mhigo

Religion: Adheres to the Eorzean religion of the Twelve.

Patron Deity: Nymeia, goddess of Fate. Her life, being as filled with chaos as it has, has taught her that the individual has very little control over what happens to them in life. All a person can do is control themselves and their reactions. “I’ve done all the preparation I can. Once the arrow leaves the bow, I have no control over whether it hits the target.“

Occupation: Takes on various odd jobs mostly related to engineering and aetherological research. Works for a mercenary company based in Gridania.

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Proficiencies: Sharpshooting, Aether manipulation through arcane maths, Engineering

Interests: Tinkering, Philosophy, Travel, Aetherlogical Studies

Relationships:

SPOUSE: None.

CHILDREN: None.

PARENTS: Deceased

SIBLINGS: None.

OTHER RELATIVES: None.

Likes: Learning new things, reading, travel, people watching, letting her mind wander, triple triad, fixing broken things.

Dislikes: Large crowds, bullies, pushy men, being touched, Ul'dah, wordplay

Fears:

Abandonment - For one reason or another Aislin has lost everyone important to her over the years; childhood friends, mentors, family. She doesn’t realize how much of an impact this has had on her over time, slowly chipping away at her willingness to open herself to new people. As a result, she tends to keep her distance, using her work as an excuse to maintain space.

The Dark - She had an unfortunate experience as a child at the hands of her bullies. To this day she can’t sleep without the glow of a lantern or candle nearby.

Black Magic - She once found herself on a mage’s bad side. The harrowing experience left her convinced there is some knowledge no one is meant to possess.

Being Dependent - Spending years as a refugee in Ul'dah, Aislinn and her father were constantly reminded of how much their survival depended on those with the coin and the power. Ever since then, Aislinn has worked hard to make sure she’s never at the whim or mercy of someone else ever again.

Personality: Generally even-keeled with a steady hand. Aislinn is easily overlooked, she’s never the loudest or the most flamboyant one in the room, but loyal and steadfast to those she’s close to. More often than not, she will put the needs of others above her own, even to her detriment. She gives off a quiet and calm energy but does light up when she gets a chance to nerd out about one of her interests. Some see her quiet disposition as aloof but Aislinn was raised not to use seven words when three will do. As a child she spoke so infrequently that some thought her mute. And while she is well past that, rhetoric is better left to someone more eloquent than she. She still trips over her words or speaks in broken sentences when she gets flustered. In combat she is often underestimated due to her diminutive stature. But what she lacks in brute strength she’s learned to make up for in speed, being quick and light on her feet has saved her many a time. She’s also a crack shot with a variety of ranged weapons. An avid student of philosophy, she prefers to retreat to quiet nature spaces for reading and reflection when she finds herself with free time. Analytical and logical, Aislinn relates best to a person when they are frank and forthright. Her weakness lies in her inability to discern subtlety and innuendo or to read between the lines.

Traits –––

* Bold your character’s answer.

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between / Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

Love and Romance:

Turn-Ons: Strength, protectiveness, kindness, warmth, confidence, tenderness, a sense of safety

Turn-Offs: Loudness, Yelling, Mercurial personalities, pushiness, arrogance, cruelty, inexperience, alpha males, roughness

Relationship Tendencies: Aislinn has built quite a shell around her due to the hardships and abuse she’s experienced in life. She doesn’t trust easy and has a tendency to withdraw. If she ever reaches out or touches someone of her own volition, it’s a pretty clear indicator that she cares deeply for that person. She’s absolutely monogamous and has no interest in playing games or competing with rivals, she will cut and run and she senses this is the case. After all she’s been through she has trouble believing anyone could see her in a romantic light and subtlety is lost on her so the other person would have to make their interest abundantly clear. Any romance with her would take time and care to build.

Physical Description: Aislinn is on the shorter side though she’s slender and fit from a life lived outdoors. Her most distinctive features are her red hair, which is usually pinned back just enough to keep it out of her eyes, and a scar across her face, just under her eyes. She carries herself with the quiet, earthy confidence of someone who is comfortable in her own skin and knows what it’s capable of. Her attire tends towards the simple and understated as if she’s trying not to attract attention. She eschews bright and garish colors in favor of subtle, muted tones. Instead of a distinct style, she will readily wear whatever is best suited for the city or destination in which she finds herself. She prefers to blend in whenever possible. Her expressions are subtle, a twitch of an eyebrow or slip of a smile is usually as animated as she gets. She’s soft-spoken, with a husky quality to her voice.

History: A general background and more in depth stories can be found here

RP Hooks:

Tinkering - Have some piece of machinery on the fritz? A clockwork that’s gone haywire? Or maybe that gunblade of yours just isn’t shooting straight. Aislinn knows her way around a variety of magitek and only too happy to get her hands dirty repairing old pieces of machinery or devising new ones.

Ul'Dah’s Seedy Underbelly - Aislinn is no stranger to the street gangs of Ul'dah. She used to be a runner for a cartel during her time in the city. Though she’s left that life behind it’s possible she would be recognized by someone who traveled in the same circles.

Limsa Lominsa - Though the nature of her work has her frequently traveling, she currently calls Limsa Lominsa home. When she’s in town, she can usually be found in the Missing Member tavern, or lounging in the sun, her nose in a book.

Aetherlogical Research - Aislinn is always up for talking about the finer points of aetherlogical study and loves to collaborate on experiments or research.

OOC:

I’m 30+ and prefer to RP with fellow adults. Pretty chill and patient, I’ll roll with most things though I would like the people I play with to be emotionally mature. I don’t have time for toxic behavior, people who can’t keep IC and OOC separate, tantrums or guilt trips.

I’m in the EST time zone. My weekdays are pretty busy between a full-time job and a side job that takes up a significant amount of time. I’m usually around a couple of weeknights long enough to run some roulettes or do some light RP but lengthy RP scenes would probably need to happen on the weekends or in Discord.

I’m interested in plots and long story arcs, relationships that take time to build. I don’t really do tavern RP as my RP time is limited and I’d rather spend it building depth in story and character. Aislinn has a lot of walls and while the potential for romance is there, she’s not going to jump right in off the bat.

I’m absolutely up for plotting a variety of previously established relationships or how our characters might know each other.

I do love running all sorts of content and am happy to have people to run with. So if you’re looking for company for roulettes, maps, raids, etc. I’m there.

#ffxiv rp #balmung #crystal lfrp

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thingr1 · 5 years ago

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Okay, that Atonement episode?

I was not expecting everything to be fine and dandy after Dick confessed the truth. That would frankly be unrealistic and a little bit cheesy.

However.

That being said.

What the heck?!

Hank’s punch? Expected that. Was it deserved? Probably.

But everything after? No. So much no.

They were all upset that Dick lied to them, and RIGHTLY so. But if this is their reaction to him telling the truth UNprompted without ANY villain or other such outside force revealing it for him, they are freaking terrible friends. Dick said it completely of his own volition so that they would finally know the truth, and ADMITS that he didn’t tell them before because he was afraid they would all leave him. It was OBVIOUS how guilty and nervous he was when he finally told.

And then they berate him physically AND verbally...and THEN LEAVE HIM.

Hank’s (initial) and Rose’s reactions I think were perfectly proper and in character.

Donna, Jason, and Dawn? Heck no.

Donna would do Dick a little more justice than that. Would she have been mad, yes. But simply make a crack about how many other half-truths he’d told them over the years and then walking out? I would’ve expected something more along the lines of “okay, I’m angry at you, what you did was not right and you should have told the truth sooner, but thank you for telling us” and then something about how she needed time or couldn’t do this anymore and then left. Or maybe stayed for more explanation. But she would’ve given more disclaimer before leaving and given him a chance to explain himself more first as his BEST FRIEND who knows him best out of EVERYONE ELSE. Not to mention, she also knows BATMAN and how his influence affected Dick; she was a PART of those years where Dick was struggling under Bruce’s shadow and even after. She should know better. She should have given him a bit more grace, even if she didn’t agree with his choices.

Jason, that little SNOT. Dick tells him all this in order to help JASON feel less like a screw up, so that he feels less alone, and then Jason just goes off and throws it in Dick’s face as if nothing happened and ditches with Rose. What the heck?? You ungrateful little brat. Granted, that seems to be Jason’s character in this show and I think it’s fitting, but I don’t think even Jason would be so cruel as to throw the guy under the bus who just stopped him from committing suicide. It’s likely part of an unhealthy, self-serving, defensive coping mechanism he’s learned from his time on the streets, but it still seemed out of place, especially right after all his talk about being “poison.”

Dawn? She did sort of hold Hank back after the first punch. But of all people, she should have recognized the fact that they were ALL IN ON THE ORIGINAL LIE that got Jericho involved in the first place. They all agreed to go with Dick’s plan and carried it out until Dick decided it was time to let Jericho into the fold. And she was the one who coaxed Dick into being honest with Jericho in the first place.

And maybe that was also part of the problem. Dick kept making decisions without their input. And they’re right to be mad about it.

But at the end of the day, the events leading up to Jericho’s death was ALL of their faults to some capacity. I got excited when Rachel started addressing how they each had a role in it with Donna in the car, but then she up and left to do whatever and didn’t finish the conversation to bring the (obviously very emotionally driven) Donna to that realization that I think everyone needed and may not have recognized in the heat of the moment.

(Quick aside, I think Rachel’s got a different plan in mind and didn’t leave as a direct result of Dick lying. If I recall correctly, she didn’t say much against Dick and just asked Donna if she could go with her, and is now off on a probably crucial side mission we will hopefully see more of soon.)

Plus, quite frankly? Jericho ultimately made the decision to save Dick, which resulted in his death.

The fact that the Titans immediately threw it all on Dick and walked out when Dick explicitly said that Jericho died to save him, when the events leading up to it were in part ALL of their faults whether they liked it or not and the actual outcome of the whole ordeal was the result of JERICHO’S decision to save Dick makes me upset.

I get it, dramatic tension and all that. Got to keep the plot rolling somehow.

But it all seemed highly out of character. Some team they are if they can’t support each other through their flaws. Full disclaimer, I wasn’t expecting hugs and sunflowers and roses after Dick spilled the beans. The anger makes sense, especially since Dick has lied to them in the past. But walking out without so much of a “thank you for telling us” and a “let’s work this out” or at the very least “but I don’t think I can be part of a team that’s not honest with each other anymore” would have made more sense.

AFFIRM HE TOLD THE TRUTH, GOSHDARNIT.

I also thought the fact the mom had no remorse for him either to be extremely odd. Mostly the fact she didn’t blame her husband in the slightest when it was his lies, his career choice, and his sword that resulted in her son’s death. It makes me wonder how much she actually knows about the circumstances of Jericho’s death, because she’s made it clear she is not pleased with Slade’s life choices and the impact they’ve had on her and their son.

Yes, I may be biased towards Dick Grayson and want him to get the love and attention he deserves. But I also acknowledge he hasn’t been making the best of choices in this reality and this show is about dealing with the consequences. However, at the same time, that whole scene was just...OFF. I’m sure it’s going to serve some greater plot purpose and whatnot, and hopefully it will all tie together eventually, but I personally think the creators did the characters a disservice by making all of them collectively stubborn, unforgiving jerks who are quick to dump the blame on the easiest target (heck, it was all dumped on JASON just before Dick spilled his secret) and then stomping off in a huff when they find out the truth rather than trying to work through it.

#Titans #Titans (2018)#Dick Grayson #Titans DCTV #Titans spoilers #Atonement #this episode made me angry and sad #rant #opinion #as much as I LOVE how emotionally focused this show is this whole scene played out more like a soap opera than anything else #yeesh

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dbhilluminate · 5 years ago

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DBHI: Redemption- "The Open Door", pt. 3

ARE YOU A FAN OF DETROIT? DO YOU LIKE GAY SHIPS AND COMPLICATED, LOVEABLE BOYS?? Then please keep up with our fic, you’ll love it, I promise!

(Chapter art by dark_dumb)

**Co-authored by grayorca15

Characters: Trevor Langley, Dylan Fleur, Dennis Lenore (mentions of Rhea Fleur, Dahlia Fleur, Spencer) Word Count: 6,875

A rocky introduction leads to the beginnings of an unexpected mutual understanding, and an unlikely friendship more welcomed by one than the other.

• Archive link • Chapter Index • • Related Works • Characters •

Previous Chapter

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July 4th, 2041 - 9:18 PM The remainder of the trek back to the house was surprisingly short. Compared to the winding, off-road path their chase had taken through the trees, this road they traveled was a straight shot with only a few gentle curves right, left, and another slight left. It ended almost right back where they’d started- the trees opened up to a hill that sloped down toward the house, where the balcony stairs led up to the studio. Now that he had a moment and wasn’t just blindly running away from the house, he noticed that a grotto has been carved into the slope of the hill below the veranda, and made into a nook furnished with several lounge chairs and a few stone fireplaces for illumination and warmth. Small, open archway entrances on either side ruined the potential for complete privacy, but with the hill blocking the view at a distance, it seemed like the kind of space he’d like to pass the time in. Dylan trotted up the staircase while skipping two steps with each stride, draped his soiled cardigan and shirt over the banister, entered the house barefoot and shirtless, then grabbed another sleeveless cardigan off the back of a chair and threw it on without stopping. Trev crept in behind him with his hands in his pockets while minding the globs of paint on the floor that were still a little wet (even after nearly an hour’s drying time), then stopped to examine the room. It was exactly as he’d glimpsed the first time through, more of a studio to work in than a chamber to rest, even if the couch in the far-right corner from where he was standing (which was covered in blankets) said otherwise. The beamed, vaulted ceilings framed out to beige and walnut walls, otherwise covered in abstract impressionist paintings, displayed whatever work-in-progress charcoal sketches he’d been working on in his spare time. There were at least three tables, each home to a different art medium, the perimeter dotted with cloth-covered easels. A number of empty paint cans held dozens of broken-in paintbrushes among other drawing tools. A large, plastic tarp had been strung up behind the largest canvas to the left, protecting the wall behind. The fourth wall, the closest to his right, was taken up by a brick oven, a tabletop anvil, a metalworking workbench, and a pottery wheel, of all things. Stacks of books littered the floor, handfuls of canvases leaned against the walls, piles of assorted paint cans were arranged in small caches beneath the tables, on shelving, or stored in cabinetry like the one in the middle of the room blocking a trapdoor leading to the room beneath it. In the back-right corner (on the other end of the couch) was a deep, well-loved stainless-steel sink spotted with countless layers of dried pigments that had never quite washed off. The last thing he noticed was a ten-gallon aquarium filled with greenery and scratchy substrate, resting on a table in the back-left corner of the room next to the door; what it could have housed was a mystery, because the animal wasn't present. Altogether this was clearly the space of someone who spent a lot of their time trying to find their muse, and it was by no means a cheap vocation. The many paint cans alone ran into the hundreds of dollars, budget-wise, but the clue that most interested Trev sat opened on one of the tables: a ripped plastic bag, still half full of unfilled water balloons, next to an old paint encrusted funnel- also known as an ammo dump, in tonight’s case. Lovely. Langley feigned rubbing at his chin to hide a reflexive twitch. Surrounded by this breadth of creative thought brought to inanimate life made him realize how foreign it all was. He felt more like the outsider here than at any time prior this evening. “If this is the part where I state the obvious... I’ll skip it, if you prefer.” But Dylan said nothing of the sort. “What I’d prefer…? Or what you’d prefer?” His tone piqued from around the corner of the wall dividing the side of the room to Trevor’s right, and he glanced up from digging around in a laundry basket to flash him a friendly grin. “Cause I’d prefer you say what’s on your mind.” Fleur tossed him a white V-neck top and a pair of black joggers as he passed on his way across the room, presumably to give him the space to change, at which Trev had only hesitated long enough to be reasonably sure he wasn’t being watched. When he was satisfied that he was not, Langley slipped the slacks and jacket off, meticulously folded them both, and briefly inspected the top beneath before he took it off and decided to bag it as well. If he was going to change into something clean and dry, he might as well have gone the whole nine yards. All the while, he thought on his reply. Dylan probably expected him to disclose something in return, but what was more benign than talking about the weather? “What’s on my mind is how much I prefer not to say what’s on my mind,” he replied idly as he pulled the shirt on over his head and fruitlessly tried to finger-comb his gummed-up hair back into something neat so it wasn’t sticking out at such odd angles. “I was only going to say your space suits you. Obvious as it gets, right?” “Obvious? Or observational?” Dylan countered as he fussed with the canvas tarp over a six-foot square canvas against the opposite side of the room, unfolded the corners and pulled them out from under the wooden frame. When he put it that way, Trev supposed, one adjective did sound more negative than the other. “Regardless,” he paused just long enough to grab two fistfuls of the canvas tarp, then yanked; the fabric fluttered through the air and settled onto the ground beside him in a huge heap. “That wasn’t so hard, now was it?” he asked with a smile as Trev stopped beside him to examine the piece.

Removing the cover revealed a painting obscured by a few random splotches of paint deposited by the impact of water balloons, a sensation which he had been intimately introduced to that night. Even with chunks of the painting covered by mostly opaque layers of gesso, he could see what it was supposed to be: a man doubled over, hugging himself, fingers rending deep, clawed cuts into the skin of his ribs, the punctures leaking inky black shadows rather than life-giving crimson. The face had been turned away from the viewer, intentionally left obscured against a foggy, muddled backdrop of red, black, and gray. It was certainly a far cry from the hyper-realistic portrait hanging just outside the room- the erratic, emotionally charged brushstrokes, vivid colors, and sharp contrast of this piece were much more in line with what he’d expected after hearing about Dylan Fleur from his family members. The style was every bit as edgy and eccentric as he.

“Do you make art or war with it?” he murmured as he approached, still distracted by the thought that the painting may have been a self-portrait. He could hear Dylan scoff as another stray balloon hit one corner of the canvas and splashed a clashing layer of green over the top of an existing spot. Trev flinched ever so slightly as it splattered just a few feet away; the movement reminded him to blink, not stare in such overt confusion. “What’s this supposed to be?” “Another failure, like me,” Dylan half-joked as he wandered away to find dry pants. With no reason to follow, Trev stayed where he was and gave the piece another slow look over. It counted as evidence of something- the act of depicting what he could only interpret as some sort of inner turmoil, rather than keeping it bottled up in one’s head, was a tried-and-true coping mechanism, but not something he himself could relate to. Trevor’s closest comparison was having a department sketch artist work with a witness to a crime to recall facial features and distinguishing characteristics of a person of interest, which was similar in its intent only to identify the concept of someone. “Only failure I’m seeing here are the new stains you added.” Tempting as it was to reach out and try wiping the unsightly green off the defaced piece, Trev contented himself with working out another stubborn flake of yellow clinging to his hair. “I mean, it wasn’t finished yet, was it?” “It was, but I didn’t like it anymore, I’m gonna start over with something different,” he explained, then added as an afterthought with a frown after checking a grouping of paint cans on the floor under the coffee table. “Gotta go buy more acrylic gesso before I can, though.” “And this is why you had balloons filled with paint? You were going to trash it?” “You almost sound offended,” Dylan teased, noting the way his brows lifted in reserved judgment at the idea. Trevor cast a corrective, brown-eyed glance at him, but stopped short when Dylan met it with a disarming smile. “I’m not, I just-... don’t understand why you’d put so much effort into creating something, only to destroy it.” “It’s common practice for artists to recycle canvases when they get sick of looking at old pieces and don’t want to stretch a new one,” Fleur explained in his most educational tone as he crossed his arms and turned to step toward him. “It might have been therapeutic to paint this at the time, but I’m ready to move on from what inspired it.” “And what was that?” Dylan swallowed the answer to that question; apparently, he hadn’t earned the right to know yet, but he was perfectly fine with that. It was just one less reason to get attached. Instead, the boy ventured another risk, his voice weaker with a hint of melancholy. “Can’t you feel it…?” Trevor clenched his teeth and shot him a sharp look, not in the mood for a guessing game. “You’re the one who painted it- so you tell me.” “I could, but that would defeat the purpose of painting it.” For a moment he gazed at the painting and seemed to lose himself in the feelings it evoked, feelings that were readable on his face clear as day, even if he didn’t want to see it. “Art is a wordless form of communication that makes it a hell of a lot easier to explain thoughts you might otherwise had a hard time articulating,” he explained with a sideways glance in his direction; already, Trev could feel the prickling sensation in the back of his mind, and he didn’t like it. “Why tell what you can show?” Trev scowled, more obviously this time. He could feel it, all too vividly, and he didn’t want to. That was the problem. It wasn’t the painting itself or who its artist was, it was the similarities of the imagery and the read-into meanings that hit too close to home for comfort. It was anguish if he’d ever felt it (and he had, after he’d lost everything he’d ever known to the rise of Purgatory, the day that Boston fell), and a deep desire to cut oneself open to bleed it out just to feel the release the bloodletting would deliver. It was dark, unnerving, and passively comforting to know they shared this common pain. And that was exactly why he refused to answer him. “Thing about art is, it’s not always meant to be permanent,” Dylan continued, undeterred at his audience’s voluntary silence. “Sometimes it’s transient, transformative- like pain.” “So, you’re saying that art is pain?” It was a suitable comparison, considering the subject matter of this particular piece, and just enough of a diversion away from the uncomfortable subject to merit a response. “Sometimes… yes,” Fleur answered thoughtfully, his green-eyed gaze too transfixed to pay him any mind as Trev eyed the ink on his skin one more time and took a closer look at the flowers on his left arm. In the case of tattoos, it was more than sometimes. “Why bother with it, then?” he asked, genuinely confounded by the contradiction. “Compulsion,” he stated plain and simple as he closed his eyes, shook his head, and lowered his chin. “The pain I suffer when I don’t create is often worse than briefly facing it to scream it onto the page.” “If you say so.” Much as he detested the urge to, Trev could relate. It was very tempting to go sour at the thought of someone at Cyberlife thinking to get creative enough to the point they would try to dupe one of their products (i.e., himself) into thinking it was the real flesh-and-blood deal. Had he the pleasure of making that person’s acquaintance, it would not have been a peaceable meeting of minds. To equate it to Dylan’s example, he was the canvas upon which something new had been redrawn. Then that second layer had been unceremoniously torn off, like garish wallpaper stripped away to reveal the bare panels underneath. No one ever asked the paper if it wanted to be removed, was the only difference. Far as it was concerned, who knew if it had simply been content as it was? Not a fan of the phantom ache that seemed to settle in between his ears, Trev shut his eyes to scratch at the leftover paint flakes above one ear. The oldest spot was turning stiff, and therefore itchy. “You sound a lot like your- sisters,” he commented, cracking an eye open once the scratching was done. “No coincidence, I’m sure.” Dylan attempted a faltering smile that spoke loudly of insecurity and he turned toward one of the tables covered in brush cans, and swiped up a chunk of brush soap. “If that were true, I’d be better off,” he mused morbidly as he returned to his side and reached for the worst of the clumps in his hair. “But I’ll take that as a compliment, ‘cause they’re the best people I know, even if they can be a little...” Trev smacked away his hand when he reached up to try and help get the paint out of his hair. He thought he had made it clear that with their game over, he wasn’t of a mind to be touched, but Fleur just chuckled in response and tossed him the soap and a comb before taking a step back. “...overbearing.” “You know a touch of that yourself,” the android countered with a grumble. “All the earnestness of you three combined…” He let the words hang unfinished and tried running the bristles into his hair, wincing as they stuck against the clumps before eventually pulling through with enough force applied. “It’s contagious in this family,” Dylan joked with a short laugh as he busied himself with filling a bucket with hot, soapy water and finding a couple of sponges. “Can’t really help treating everyone else the same ‘til I know their boundaries.” Boundaries. Trevor nearly snorted. If he’d really given a shit about those, he wouldn’t be wearing his loaned clothes and scraping paint out of his hair. If this was how Dylan treated family, then he actually felt sorry for Dahlia and Rhea. “My classmates rarely say hello to me outside of courses, yet here’s a whole evening full of coddling people to make up for it. Ugh.” He didn’t mean to sound ungrateful; it was just his reality. Even the instructors tended to give him a wide berth- with no official report delivered accounting for who he was, he supposed he couldn’t fault them for being leery of what they didn’t know, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt some days. “What are you, then...?” he diverted, after a brief pause. “A student, or a hobbyist?” “Third-year fine arts at Cranbrook Academy of Arts,” Dylan replied as he knelt to wipe as much of the paint off the floor as he could with some dry rags, then followed up with a wet sponge. “I do my schoolwork from home and video call to talk to my professors or participate in classes when I need to.” Another clue to file away in the growing dossier, one that sufficed to explain why he was such a homebody. The sight of him cleaning his own floors gave Trevor pause. If he’d grown up in a house this size, with a plethora of servants to do the work for him, wouldn’t it be logical for him to leave the mess for one of them to clean up? Yet here he was, humbling himself to scrub paint off the hardwood, already damaged by years of splashed oil and turpentine. “And when you’re not doing all that…? Pranks are it?” “Pranks are reserved for special occasions, and special people…” Dylan insisted as he crawled from one partial shoeprint to the next, dragging the bucket with him. “But I do a lot of this thing called sleeping, too… y’know?” He flashed him a small grin and popped his brows. “What about you? What do you do in your spare time that’s better than...” One hand gestured around the room at ‘all this’ was enough for him to understand the question. To immediately draw a distinction as one hobby being somehow better than the other, Trev didn’t care for that presumption. Not one bit. “I study.” He left his retort at two words and resumed brushing his hair, though the movements turned sharp and jerky, the more frustrated he became. As far as he was concerned, coursework was not inherently more rewarding than art, it was just what he knew; and by the numbers, he was already better at it than eighty percent of his classmates. Though, fitting in the occasional ride-along patrol with Dennis didn’t hurt either. It served to get him outside, at least. “And that which I’m expected to learn is as boring as it is privileged information, not for the general public to know. Not much else to it.” “So, you’re a student, too,” Dylan noted without looking up. The virility in Trev’s inner thoughts was lost on him, and for the best since he’d apparently misread his implication to begin with. “Believe it or not, I do like quiet nights in, it’s just that...” Dylan’s eyelids fluttered momentarily as he paused between cleaning spots on the floor. “...it does get really lonely.” That bordered on too close to his own thoughts. How was it their experiences could be so different, yet so universal? “And this is how you force people into spending time with you?” Langley growled quietly but a whine of distress slipped through as the comb finally snagged in the tangled knot he’d been brushing it all toward. Snagged and stuck. Fleur stopped what he was doing, walked over to the sink, and filled a brush can with hot water. “You know, you could have walked away the first time you tried,” he reminded as he strode back over, leaving it at that instead of further rubbing it in that he’d made the conscious decision to stay. In a wordless movement, he took the soap out of Trev’s hand, dunked it into the can, and lathered it into a frothy mess, then tried at touching his hair again. As expected, Trevor flinched away like a wounded animal; but instead of giving up, Fleur just took in a breath to steady himself, and waited for his feral instincts to subside. “You’re making it a lot harder for yourself than it needs to be. This will help, if you let it. Please.” In spite of the mess of mixed up feelings working overtime to push him as far away as they possibly could, Dylan still wasn’t intimidated by his snarling. How could he be so calm in the face of anger? Where everyone else would have given up, he’d persisted, against his better judgment. Whether it was just sheer stupidity or naivety, he couldn’t say, but the boy’s patience was admirable. Or, maybe, learned. Trev’s brown eyes shifted focus over his shoulder at the painting one more time and withered just enough to drain the tension out of his expression. He wondered just what his trauma could have been to have left such a deep, festering wound, and how he could have remained so patient in spite of it. Hesitantly, he lowered his hands, but not his guard; for the moment, he was tired of feeling so tightly wound. Fleur fingered the solidified chunk of hair and softly worked the soap into it from root to tip until he could feel the paint start to break down. The sensation of discomfort in Trev’s scalp subsided almost immediately, to his relief, but when Fleur reached for the comb, he snatched it out of the way and recoiled back to brush it out himself. No gloating smile or snarky grin came in response. Instead he just gave him the smallest hint of a smile as he watched him comb the knot out with considerably less effort. “Better?” A mumbled, disgruntled ‘Yeah, thanks’ was all he could offer in return amidst the combing. The paint came out easily now with the help of the soap, whether or not he wanted to admit that accepting his help had done him some good. The large, almost rubbery paint clumps rolled out with the lather in thin strands which dissolved into thinner pieces the longer it sat in the suds. As Dylan turned back to his cleanup, Trev made the short trip to the sink in the back corner of the room with the sofa and stooped to attempt to rinse the mess out of his hair. He took his glasses off to fold up and hook over the collar of his shirt. Even if it was only a partially-simulated shower, it still served to do what running water over the head at the end of a long, tiring day did best: it made him think, made him wonder… Trev reached for the faucet and turned it off, wrung the water out of his hair as best he could, then reached for a hand towel and rubbed as much of the remaining dampness as he could out of it. If Fleur was really such a misanthrope that he rarely bothered to come out of his studio, then what had made him want to try and get to know him? Or rather, what made him ‘special enough’ to want to pull such an infuriating prank? Somewhere between the boring and the interesting, he was on the more favorable end of that scale, and that necessitated investigation. “Why me?” he asked softly, his focus directed at the drain, towel still draped around his neck and hands gripped tight on the edge of the sink. Dylan paused mid-scrub and briefly met his eyes as Trevor looked his way. The look in them said everything and more, but Dylan answered anyway, in the simplest way he could. “...because you get it.” “Despite efforts to the contrary,” Trev noted pessimistically as he resumed brushing. This earned a quiet chuckle from his company, and Dylan paused to remain sitting on his knees for a few moments while cleaning up the last shoe print. “...you’re hardly the most difficult person I’ve encountered,” Fleur admitted, to his surprise. Privately, he wondered if Dennis knew this, and if he did, to what degree- the whole ugly truth, or just a partial account. Alternatively, to have anyone describe him as somehow not difficult gave Trev another reason to pause. He stopped brushing a moment to peel gathered paint crumbs from between the bristles and hesitated, the question hitched in his throat. “And if I was, would we be having this conversation?” “Knowin’ me…? Yeah, probably,” Dylan snorted as he dunked the sponge in the now-lukewarm water and wrung it out. “But it also depends on what you mean by difficult, because it takes a lot to piss me off- narcissism, chauvinism, egotism, prejudice, bein’ an asshole just because you can.” The last two terms actually drew a curl in his lip as he scrubbed harder to scratch the dried paint off the hardwood with the rough side of the sponge. “Fame chasing, glory-seeking, hurting someone because it’ll benefit you or because it just makes you happy to cut someone else down- that’s the kind of shit I can’t deal with in large doses, an’ I’ve met a lot of people like that in my life to know em’ when I see ‘em. So, you tell me, Langley.” He paused long enough to spare him a questioning look. “Are you any of those things? Or are you just hurtin’ and still a little too raw for comfort?” As he slid his glasses back on, Trevor swallowed, equal parts affronted and not that Dylan could see right through whatever he had passing for a mask. He blinked a few times to cover the involuntary twitch in his eyes, if not hide the nervous tremor in his throat that generated from nowhere to derail the sardonic retort he’d put together. And here he once thought getting away from Rhea and Dahlia would mean avoiding discussing this. A response to the former query and not the latter would be an answer in itself, no matter how he worded it, and that would have to suffice. “If I am those qualities in any measure, it’s not intentional. I… I’m still figuring it out.” Trevor focused on a stretched lock of hair and picked a few remaining paint clumps out, to avoid focusing on how hot his cheeks had become. “It’s- complicated.” “Well, take a breath, then, ‘cause as far as I can see, you’re not.” Dylan pushed himself up off the floor and stooped to pick up the bucket, then turned and looked over with a reassuring smile. “I can handle damaged, Trev. I’d be a hypocrite if I couldn’t.” The flush faded and Trev set his eyebrows in a flat line to mirror his mouth. It was nice to offer, but… “Not sure mine’s the kind of damage you’d care to hear about,” he deflected half-heartedly. “Then try me some time, you might be pleasantly surprised.” Part of him wished he hadn’t said it, but another, slightly larger part of him felt relieved at his offer. Persistence was starting to get through to him, or maybe he was just tired of arguing semantics. He watched as Fleur crossed the room, a rag and bucket in hand, and bent down to wipe up the small bits of yellow that had spilled out into the hallway. This whole encounter had started off so completely opposite, he was having a hard time believing he was still talking to the same person that had him so thoroughly pissed off an hour earlier. Instead of being at odds with a new enemy, he now found himself in the company of someone who was just as misunderstood as he- someone genuine, someone kind, someone with the potential to be a real friend if he was ever brave enough to venture out of his shell again. Which he had already begun to do, whether he wanted it or not. The charm had been one of the first things he had joked about, but self-deprecating or not, there had been truth in what he’d said: Dylan was magnetic and charismatic, much more so than he was repulsive. And out of the hundreds- hell, thousands of people he’d probably met and decided he wanted nothing to do with, he saw something in him that made him determined enough to dig his heels in and persist despite Trev’s resistance. In the end, he had taught him a valuable lesson about loosening up- and how accepting help wasn’t an admission of defeat, but a valuable tool in overcoming problems (as demonstrated by the comb now gliding through his hair with ease). He didn’t have to be alone if he didn’t want to be, he didn’t have to bury his trauma under so many layers of irritation and short-tempered reactions and never again trust another enough to open up. But he wasn’t quite there yet, brave enough to face the full scope of all that wasn’t on the agenda. Dylan had somehow managed to throw back the curtains on his gloom and doom and let the light in, but he wasn’t ready to open the window. “Not today,” he finally replied after several minutes of silence, not wanting to sound too much like he’d be willing to consider acting on his offer, if their budding friendship even made it that far; even still, the implication of his word choice was apparently obvious enough. Dylan smiled, more happy than mischievous initially, but because it was in his nature to not let things get too comfortable (which Trev quietly thanked him for), it tainted the otherwise lighthearted mood with coy suspicion. “You mean you might come back one of these days…? After everything I put you through…?” Instantly, Trevor backpedaled with a defensive finger point at his teasing. “Hey- don’t push your luck,” he warned, eyes squinty and head tilted. “It’s almost like I knew you were a good egg…” “Alright, that’s it- visitation rights have been revoked.” “What!?” Dylan’s fake-outrage was overpowered by laughter and a charming smile Trev found himself growing fonder of every time he saw it (and deep down, it terrified him). “But I just complimented you…!” “Keep it up, and I might just relocate to the next zip code, and change my name.” It might have been the best thing for him, if this kept up. “Oh, come on now, don’t be so dramatic…” Another ten minutes of idle banter elapsed before the world outside saw fit to make itself known again. Appearing with as little warning as he had the first time, Dennis Lenore didn’t knock. To find them right back where they began wasn’t a big leap of logic, having last seen them at the onset of the chase, although he probably did wonder why Trev didn’t simply return to the dining room. The sight of him perched atop one of the stools -in a fresh set of borrowed leisure clothes, listening to Dylan chatter on and on with a faint smile, a few stubborn flakes of paint still entrenched in his hairline- got an instant smirk out of him, though no questions were asked, about the fate of the suit or otherwise. “Well, I see you two are gettin’ along great.” His choice of adjective was enough to get a mildly-irritated glower out of both of them. This was, in part, all the older officer’s doing. ‘You’ll thank me later,’ he’d said, somewhat premonition-like. There was absolutely no way he hadn’t known what he was doing. Trev breached that new silence first with a mannerly stretch. “Yes, sir. Mr. Fleur is… different from what I expected.” “So, it’s Mr. now, huh?” Dylan teased with a sideways glance and a smirk. “Don’t get used to it,” he quickly amended once he realized how awkward it sounded, given how Dennis’ expression curdled a bit. “In any case, he was generous enough to not leave me a mess afterward.” “Hey, aftercare is important,” Dylan chimed in with a smirk and a ribbing nudge as he got up and passed Trev on his way to dump out the water bucket. The double meaning went over Trev’s head initially, but it came back around like a boomerang when it got an uncomfortable snort and a chuckle out of Lenore, and he flushed softly with an annoyed scowl. “Just glad to see you’re both in one piece.” “We had a rough start, but… we came to an understanding, of not understanding,” Fleur explained with a sideways wink in Trev’s direction that was met by a sigh and an eye-roll that somehow bordered on amicable. “It could have been much worse.” “Or better.” A sputtering choke on his next words at the evolution of Den’s expression from amused to devious did well enough to convey that the context had not been lost on him that time, but the blushing helped. “So does that mean you’re stayin’ the night, or do we need to get gone?” Trev sat up a bit straighter and practically jumped out of the chair as he made a note of the time. “I have classes tomorrow,” he reminded in nervous tenor, almost as if he’d completely forgotten. It was, technically, a few short hours away; even if he didn’t need to sleep, he could use a recharge after the events of the night. Thankfully, the courses were held during reasonable daytime hours, so there was still time. Looking less than compelled to back him up, Dennis shrugged and eyed him with no small measure of skepticism. “Don’t blow a gasket. You’ll only need a few hours’ recharge. Could stay and have a new uniform at the front door tomorrow morning.” “No, sir. I already-“ Trev’s stuttering insistence got the better of him momentarily, and he paused to take a calming breath. “Your suit is already going to need washing; I couldn’t impose any more expenses.” “Ah, give it a rest, Den… if he wants to go home, it’s fine by me. Wouldn’t want him to OD on my company the first night.” There was a twinge of disappointment in Dylan’s voice as he shut off the faucet and placed the bucket aside to dry. He crossed his arms and pulled the sleeveless cardigan shut over his bare chest as he crossed the room and set his gaze on the floor. The motion came across like curtains on a stage show being drawn closed. Reminded of the quiet, empty dorm room waiting for him back in the city, Trev was a bit taken aback at how he didn’t sprint right out the door. Given the chance, Dennis offering to arrange it so they might stay was and wasn’t tempting, for a multitude of reasons. On one hand, the realization that for the last half an hour, he’d felt more even-tempered and calmer than he had in months, insisted he stay; but on the other, paranoia that this wouldn’t (or maybe couldn’t) last compelled him to go and pretend none of this ever happened. Fleur’s upbeat mood suddenly deflating with the realization they’d have to pick this exchange up another day, was strangely not as satisfying to see as he’d thought it would be; if anything, it was a disappointment he understood, as much as he didn’t want to. But he hadn’t made any promises to come back, only to consider they stay in touch. That wasn’t necessarily a binding contract, or even a verbal agreement. Still, being the eagle-eyed detective that he was, Dennis read between the lines just fine. “I can always pull him off a patrol to send over as needed, Dylan. The socialization will do you both a world of good.” Trev hid another twitch by grabbing up the plastic bag containing his spotted garments, looked down at himself, then sidelong at Dylan. “I will need to return these at some point,” he debated audibly. The notion perked him up ever so slightly, and his eyes caught Trev’s flicker of brown with a sideways glance. “You can keep them if you want. You said you don’t have many clothes to begin with, right?” he offered as he meandered toward the painting and leaned one shoulder against canvas frame. “They’re not really my… preference,” he declined, but as expected, Dylan was un-dissuaded. One hand lifted and rapped a knuckle against the wooden stretch beam behind him with a grin. “Then maybe next time, we can throw this shit where it was supposed to go- maybe show you an old black an’ white?” Dennis squinted at the canvas, gleaning only a surface impression before mutely shaking his head. Nick probably wouldn’t have found this work along the same lines of ‘nice’, were he there to see it. Trev barely managed to not cringe; he still couldn’t understand his reasoning for why he’d want to wash away all that hard work with a new coat of paint. “I don’t know when that might be. I have- assignments to tend to.” Lenore called the excuse out for what it was and shot him a scowl accompanied by a light slap on the shoulder. “Stop lying, kid. It’s unbecoming of any policeman,” he scolded over his shoulder as he turned out the door. Dylan tossed Dennis an annoyed look that screamed ‘knock it off’ as he walked away, ineffective as it was when aimed at the back of his head, then turned back to respond to Trevor with an open-ended offer. His fingers nervously twitched and squeezed at his arm just trying to get it out. “Well… if you get lonely or want someplace else to chill, you know where to find me. I’m always here, don’t have much else goin’ on.” One hand extended to gesture around the room with a flourish and a chuckle to illustrate this. Decorated or not, it probably wasn’t as lively-looking as he made it seem. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” To Trev, it sounded ideal. A chamber within which one was pretty much guaranteed isolation was the best possible setting to ‘introvene’, as the made-up term would imply. Dylan made a face, clearly not of the same opinion. “It can be, when you start goin’ stir-crazy from bein’ cooped up inside for so long.” And...? He wasn’t already half crazy by default? Trev scoffed, pushed his glasses back into place. “That’s what walks are for.” His second favorite pastime- it might not be as exciting as some alternatives, but after what he had been through, monotonous was right up his alley. “Yeah, and we’ve got a lot of land to do that on, and you wouldn’t even have to worry about running into other people…” Fleur raised his brows, probably expecting him to come around to the idea. “How’s that sound?” “Almost perfect,” Trev replied with a slight smirk that dropped as soon as it appeared. “But you’d still be there.” Dylan rolled his eyes, smiled big and shook his head. “C’mon… I thought we were past that.” “I also told you not to push your luck, but here we are.” “Who’s bein’ pushy…?” The coy grin lingering on his lips almost reached the apples of his cheeks. “I’m just gently planting seeds.” Artists had a penchant for using such poetic phrases, it was true. “So- what? You’re a gardener now, too…?” LANGLEY! YOU COMIN’ OR STAYIN’? “COMING!” Trev shouted back, almost jumping as he nervously made for the door. His own impulsive reaction to yell versus use the com left him cringing. “I mean- I’d say it was nice meeting you, but it was easily one of the worst introductions I’ve ever suffered.” Not the worst- it was up there, as far as he could remember. But it had also somehow segued into the smoothest recovery he’d ever witnessed. Not that he’d ever tell him that. Dylan chuckled again, perpetually amused. “Hey- Mom always said it was better to leave an impression than to be immediately forgotten…” “Yes, well, you’ve certainly done that.” Looking down at himself, Trev managed not to lose it to another flustered tirade. One way or another, these clothes would have to come back. “I’ll… drop these off when I can.” The look that crossed Fleur’s face was that of surprised contentment, even a little bashfulness. Somehow, he’d evidently gotten the response he’d been waiting for out of him, and it seemed even he didn’t expect to succeed. Before he could delay their departure any longer, he turned on his heel and made for the stairs, Dylan’s voice calling out to catch him just as he passed through the threshold of the studio. “Don’t feel like you need to bother with calling ahead, the door’s always open.” Letting Trev make the decision as to when that would be, compared to Dennis’ indirect attempt to force him into making a commitment on the spot, went a long way in fostering his slowly developing appreciation for Dylan Fleur, however irksome he was. Perhaps that was why he’d been finding it so hard to leave. After all, there had only ever been one other person he’d gelled with so quickly after meeting. Langley’s hand balled into a fist at his side as the tremor returned, his pace quickened to a trot down the bottom steps, and he nearly sprinted out the door to catch up with Dennis before he missed his ride home. He didn’t want to think about this right now, he didn’t need to be reminded of that gaping wound in his heart. That had been the real problem with this situation- the fact that he simultaneously saw too much and too little of a dead man in him. Maybe it needn’t have been so difficult, but he hadn’t wanted it to be this easy either.

#detroit: become human #detroit become human fanfiction #dbh #dbh fanfiction #dbh fanfic #dbhilluminate #dbhiredemption

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readingwebcomics · 6 years ago

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Analyzing Questionable Content: Pages 51-100

No Faye, it only looks that way because he’s playing Final Fantasy X-2. Good God, I just realized that Final Fantasy X-2 is someone’s first experience with Final Fantasy. That’s a depressing thought. Although someone starting out the series with Final Fantasy XIII is probably way worse, now that I think about it. At least X-2 had fun.

…huh? Oh right, the comic. You sure you’d rather not listen to me write an essay on Final Fantasy, instead? I have this great point about how Final Fantasy IX has the most emotionally impactful narrative but as a game it only really clicks with long-time players of… no? Okay fine, let’s get back into QC.

The very next comic has Marten getting a tax return check for $1,100, and being the wise adult that he is, decides to spend that money on a new guitar. Tagging along, Faye brings up something that gives us new insight on her character:

And clearly didn’t bore her, considering how much of that information she retained. Here we have yet another example of a shared interest between these two, Marten clearly being into Guitars if he’s invested enough to blow a fat wad of money on it and Faye carrying around quite a bit of information on the instrument herself. I’ve made the point in the last post, but to reiterate – at this point in the comic, it’s clear these two are clicking as far as interests go. They can keep up with each other, can and have provided support for one another, and challenge one another… okay granted that last one isn’t entirely true, it’s clear Faye challenges Marten more than vice-versa, but still. There is a clear, acting relationship dynamic between these two, whether platonic or romantic. The reason why early QC works as well as it does is because these two have clear characters to them and their relationship FEELS real – they feel like people you’d know who’d really be friends – or maybe more than friends. This is Jeph’s character writing at… well I hesitate to call it at its best because to imply he peaked as early as the 53rd comic would be an insult to him as a writer, and I’m not looking to do that here.

I’m looking to do that a little bit later on in this part when we discuss Faye’s “character quirk.”

Before that however, we’re going to get a little bit on insight on Marten:

The story is elaborated on in a future comic, but here we get Marten’s backstory – traveling across the country for a girl, the relationship falling apart and leaving him stuck in this part of the country. This will go on to explain several of his character choices, including Pintsize (although that’s something we’re not going to approach until MUCH later on). It also further elaborates on Marten’s character as a whole: He doesn’t make many active actions as a whole, but when he does, it tends to shift the entire dynamic of how he lives. He decided he wanted to follow this woman across the country, and that action ended up completely upending his life. Could this be part of the reason why Marten is so passive? Does he skew towards this lifestyle because he’s been “trained” to take any kind of affirmative action as an intense, life-changing event?

While I’m not certain myself, and I have a damn good feeling Jeph wasn’t thinking that far ahead when writing Marten’s character, it’s an angle I’m willing to continue exploring as we further our journey down this comic’s history.

This comic was written in 2003. I’m half-tempted to believe Meme culture can be tracked by indie bands now. Wonder if there was any zeitgeist with neo-nazi indie bands ten or fifteen years ago then, if that theory holds true?

…I just made myself really, really sad.

Later on, Pintsize proceeds to eat a cake when he really shouldn’t – again – and we are gifted with… this lovely image.

Okay. I understand Pintsize is an AI, so it makes total sense for him to be able to be uploaded to a PC like this (ignoring for the moment modern commercial hardware can’t possibly support the resources necessary to maintain human-level sapience and ESPECIALLY not in 2003), but this is one of the freakiest fucking things I’ve seen from this comic. Mostly because at the time of writing we’re on comic 4000 and AI as a whole take an entirely different turn in the world of QC around that time, so… this is just kinda surreal to look at.

…We’ll get to AI in regards to QC’s universe later on when it becomes more relevant. Needless to say, it becomes one of the core “themes” of the comic as a whole.

The narrative reason for this turn of events is simple:

Pintsize is now in a new visually appealing model, capable of moving his joints around so he can do more than just stand around and talk!

…also one that has a horrifying government-level laser built into it! Believe it or not, this DOES become a relevant plot-point later and it’s not just for the sake of a gag. This is a great example of Jeph taking a tiny detail he may have originally written in as a joke and building off it to create conflict… although I’ll be getting more into that later on when it actually DOES become relevant.

Pintsize agrees to turn the laser off, and a few comics later Marten and Steve go to the bar to discuss their lives – specifically Marten’s love life.

Further showcasing of Marten’s passive nature and his straight-up lack of confidence.

Say goodbye to Sara everyone – for real this time, I’m fairly certain this is the very last time we ever see her. I could be mistaken, but I highly doubt it. Plus, while we don’t see it in detail we get enough information to gleam Steve as Marten’s exact opposite – charming without being overwhelming, confident without being cocky. Steve is just straight-up a cool dude, and it’s easy to see how he can easily get into relationships while Marten stays there floating along, too scared and/or passive to make the move that comes to Steve naturally.

Wait. Shit, I may have the hots for Steve. Abort, aboRT, ABOR-

I’m showing this in part to showcase the next point of conflict and also to draw attention to the new style Jeph is trying. He’ll do this throughout the run of QC, trying out brand-new styles to see what fits and what doesn’t. I’ll be including this in my comparison pictures at the very end of this post to give a clearer image of what changes and how he improves… although you can see even in this comic he’s struggling against old habits as Marten’s face in the final panel looks drastically different than in the rest, looking more akin to how he looked in older comics. That’s okay! Habits die hard, it’s worth applauding the fact that Jeph is trying. God knows I can’t draw to save my fucking life, so I’ll always support artists trying new things.

I’m mostly including this panel for two reasons: The fact that Faye’s stuck in the closet right now – if you don’t get why that’s funny, you will in about 3700 comics from now – and the way she’s talking. Do you notice something different about the “feel” of Faye’s dialogue? Keep an eye on it, I’ll try to include more panels of her talking from this point onward.

Anyway, Marten dismantles the previously established conflict by revealing he managed to get Faye’s prescription for her and got her a new pair of glasses.

Mark this as the second time Faye has actually displayed real physical aggression against Marten.

Again, depending on how much you know about AI in QC’s world from future comics this could either be a lot funnier or a hell of a lot less funny. Although… the subject of AI mortality would make for an EXTREMELY interesting plot point in more recent comics. Remind me to touch on that when we get further along.

Again: Pay attention to Faye’s dialogue in this comic, especially in that last panel. You’re noticing it, aren’t you? The fact that she sounds a little… different? Give me a little more time, I promise I’ll touch on it a little later.

Hey, guess what? It’s later!

Faye does not punch Marten whenever she says something nice about him. In fact, she has ever only assaulted Marten twice – both times for completely arbitrary reasons not related to her saying anything to or about Marten. Nor has Faye ever spoken completely without contractions, as you see she’s doing now. Later comics will go on to point out how odd it is that Faye only speaks with contractions when she’s drunk and dips into her southern accent… when we’ve seen in previous comics that she is capable of speaking with contractions and talking like a normal human being. This change has shifted the entire “feel” of every line of Faye’s dialogue, as she no longer “sounds” like the Faye we started the comic with.

These are both examples of a writing mistake that a lot of long-form regular updating writers make, be it fanfiction or daily comics – retcons. If you’re reading this, you most likely know what a retcon is. For the few of you that don’t, a retcon – short for retroactive continuity – is the practice of in later works of an ongoing series introducing a fact that changes what was previously established in previous works. This is most commonly seen in Superhero comics from Marvel and DC, but the kind of retcon I’m talking about is more common on smaller scale works, like fanfiction or unedited novels or ongoing RPs.

See, when the writer realizes they wanted to change up something, introduce a plot element that would require them to go back and change something previously to make it make sense and find that for whatever reason they can’t, they may go ahead and introduce the plot element anyway while assuring the reader that no, of course this element was always included. That’s what’s happening here – Jeph had an idea for a plot element he wants to include, realized he can’t exactly go back to older comics and change them considering it’s a regularly updated webcomic, and so decided to retcon these facts by introducing them like they’ve always been a part of things and assert their truth while continuing on.

Not that I can necessarily blame the man – in a situation like this, realizing there’s an important plot element that you want to work with but can’t due to you leaving it no room in what you’ve previously published, there’s not much else you can do besides either retconning things or accepting you can’t introduce that plot element and just move on. However, there are other ways you can work with this that abide by previously established continuity and lets you introduce a plot element you want to introduce. For example, Faye punching Marten: You could introduce it as something she feels more comfortable doing the longer she’s around him. Have more frequent comics of her following saying something nice up with a punch, let us see her actually assault him more, and draw a correlation between her getting more comfortable around him and her getting more physically aggressive – something Jeph does touch on later, so it is entirely possible to introduce this new dynamic without asserting things have happened that we clearly see haven’t happened.

…as for Faye not speaking in contractions however, that’s just stupid. It’s a gimmick for her character, plain and simple, without adding anything to her as a character. If you want something big to showcase she’s keeping herself restrained, just continue as you were, having her speak in a southern accent when she’s drunk. That works as a fun gag to attach to her character without seeming like a dumb gimmick. And I’m sorry to say… this whole “Faye doesn’t speak in contractions” thing? It’s a dumb gimmick.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that all off my chest, let’s introduce ourselves to the new main character of QC…

This is Dora, the owner of the Coffee Shop that Faye works at. She’s a cool cat and (seemingly) supremely chill. She’s introduced as another secondary character like Steve, but will swiftly become a mainstay character and join what will become a growing ensemble cast.

Also, potential conflict is seeded when it’s revealed she’s totally crushing on Marten.

And if you doubt Faye’s assessment, let’s hear it from the woman in question herself.

Also say hello to Dora’s cat. The cat has a name, I just can’t remember it for the life of me considering the little fella joins Sara on that island eventually. But yeah, Dora DEFINITELY has the hots for Marten, sewing another potential seed for conflict later on – Marten and Faye are certainly in the “will they or won’t they?” phase, and here sits Faye’s own boss with a clear, vested interest in Marten. Will she make a move and push Faye to take action? Time will tell.

Jeph enjoys trolling his audience, and Marten is suffering because of it.

Dora goes on to establish herself in the reader’s minds by having a clear, distinct personality that bounces off Faye’s beautifully. They banter so comfortably with one another it makes it so much fun to read, which goes on to make Dora a more appealing character to the reader. The more she talks, the more you want to see her because she’s such a genuinely charismatic individual… which can further serve to establish her as a very real conflict in the potential Marten and Faye relationship. After all, what’s a greater spanner in the works of this “will they or won’t they?” relationship than a character who will gladly say “Yeah, I will” that the audience likes enough that they are completely on-board with seeing go through?

The most dangerous thing to a romcom relationship is a third wheel that a good portion of the audience prefers over the teased relationship, and that creates good drama.

(Also Sara’s name is spelled wrong but eh it’s not like she’s around to complain anyway)

…that said, Dora goes on to assure Faye that she has no intention of swiping Marten off his feet away from her when it’s clear Faye’s interested in him. Then again… the more Faye insists she’s not interested in him, the more likely it may be that Dora believes her.

True story, I found this concept so funny that in a campaign I ran a few years ago, I actually had one of the players – who was supposed to be stuck as a worker in a dreary 9-to-5 job that he’d desperately want to escape to go onto adventure – be labeled as the Office Bitch. My only regret is that I didn’t print out a real business card for his player. That either would have gotten a laugh from the table or gotten me punched.

This here is Scott, Marten’s boss. He’s a cool dude, but for reasons that will become evident later on we don’t see very much of him. At first, I thought he was going to end up being the future husband of Marten’s father – and if you haven’t read through QC yourself that sentence will probably completely catch you flat-footed – but looking it up later I found that Marten marries a man named Maurice, not Scott. I only thought they were the same person because they’re both blonde and the art style changes so much later on anyone could look like anyone else.

Actually, fun fact: I started reading QC when 2512 was the most recent comic, so before she was introduced I thought Faye and Marigold were the same person because of how drastically the art style changed and I only recognized “curvy white girl with glasses and brown hair”.

Anyway, Scott’s pretty chill and… yeah. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. He’s a chill dude to work for, and that’s probably the only reason Marten hasn’t outright quit his job yet. The worst job in the world can be made tolerable with a good boss, and the best job in the world can be made unbearable with an awful boss.

Further evidence of the lack of contractions hurting the way Faye’s voice comes across than anything else. Seriously, is it just me or does this not sound like Faye? Like, at ALL? I’m open to being told I’m wrong, just… seriously.

Aaaand here we have Steve officially having broken up with Sara. Also, it’s a small thing but like I’ve said, I’ll give Jeph credit where it’s due – that visible wince on Marten’s face is the most expressive any of his characters have been thus far. Good work man, I’m happy to see you improving with your art!

After drinking together, Marten and Faye decide to go to an all-night diner for some drunken late-night pancakes when we get this bit of information from Faye:

That is Faye, if you can figure out which of the two Martens your fist will connect with. But yeah, the fact that Faye speaks in a southern drawl while intoxicated went from a joke to actual character – she’s legitimately from Georgia and that’s her natural way of speaking. Which may raise the question to the reader, why does she repress that voice so much? Don’t worry – they touch on it in later comics. For now though, another round of applause to Jeph for slowly and organically creating new information about his characters.

Faye is clearly not telling the whole story – the lack of eye contact being a key indicator of just that. Still, we’re getting a little bit more information on her, and the fact that she kept her wording vague leaves a lot to still explore in her future. Needless to say… it was a LOT more than just her mother being over-protective that led her to moving up north.

Marten’s just kind of accepted his lot in life by this point. Although when I was first reading through these I honestly thought this was going to be the headbutt-into-crotch moment.

Once again, if you haven’t read through QC yourself that sentence made zero sense to you. I’m kind of giggling at the thought of someone reading that and doing a double-take, actually.

Finally, we have the last comic of this batch, setting up a bit of conflict for our next batch…

Wuh-oh! Marten walked in on Faye changing! One really nice detail is that you can see the scar on Faye’s chest right there in the first panel, which means Jeph had a LOT of Faye’s backstory already planned out while he was drawing this stuff. Which just leaves me to wonder… how far back did he have this planned? When Faye first showed up in the third comic? When he had her start speaking in a southern accent while drunk? When he decided to have her stop speaking in contractions? I’d love to ask him, but I know for a fact he wouldn’t give me the time of day. Oh well, either way: He’s got shit planned out, shit that we won’t see until Comic 500 or so, and that’s always good for a long-form comic like this.

Like last time, let’s do some quick comparisons between the first comic of the batch, the comic where Jeph made a clear and active effort to change the art style, and the last comic of the batch:

It looks like Jeph found a happy medium between the style he was originally going for and the newer style he tried to incorporate, keeping the relative size and position of the characters’ facial features while rounding out everyone’s faces, making things much less angular than previously. The bodies are also beginning to get some real texture to them, looking closer to real human bodies than stick figures with a shirt.

Overall, what did I think about this batch of comics? Well aside from my complaints about Faye’s lack of using contractions and the sloppy way Jeph tried to incorporate that into the narrative, I thought it was better than the first batch! Marten and Faye are getting into a comfortable rhythm with each other, and we’re falling in-line with that rhythm ourselves. We just met a new character who’s going to be a mainstay of the series and in the few comics she’s shown up in, she’s made her presence stick with the reader. Even if I didn’t know how important Dora would become, I’d be saying I’m looking forward to seeing more of her.

You know what time it is now? That’s riiiiiight! Data compilation time!

Between comics 51-100, the following characters’ proportional “screen time” as it were are as follows:

Marten: 46/50 – 92%

Faye: 45/50 – 90%

Pintsize: 12/50 – 24%

Dora: 8/50 – 16%

Steve: 6/50 – 12%

Sara: 2/50 – 4%

Scott: 2/50 – 4%

Dora’s Cat: 1/50 – 2%

And the grand total of each character’s screentime, not including non-canon or guest comics, from most to least time shown:

Marten: 91/100 – 91%

Faye: 83/100 – 83%

Pintsize: 27/100 – 27%

Steve: 14/100 – 14%

Dora: 8/100 – 8%

Sara: 7/100 – 7%

Jim: 2/100 – 2%

Scott: 2/100 – 2%

Raven: 1/100 – 1%

Dora’s Cat: 1/100 – 1%

Yes, I’m counting Dora’s cat among the statistics. I’ll change the name when I learn what the critter’s name actually is. Also, I was reminded that when the Secret Bakery becomes a thing later on in the comic there will be another character named Jim, with this particular construction worker being called Jimbo instead. I’ll change the name properly when he’s called “Jimbo” proper in the comic, don’t worry. I’ll be doing my best to keep this list from getting confusing… it’s in as much my best interest as yours seeing as I want to keep track of everyone properly.

Tune in next week when we see the exciting conclusion of this spicy “Marten happening to walk in on Faye undressing” drama! And Dora flashing someone. See you then.

#Questionable Content #Analysis #Long-form analysis #Faye #Marten #Pintsize #Dora #Steve

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askanonbinary · 7 years ago

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Hey there. I'd like some support please as right now I'm bringing myself into a dark place (emotionally). Long story short, I'm AFAB and had come out as FTM over a year ago. This has improved my life drastically, made things easier to handle, overall I felt comfortable for once in my existence. After I first came out, of course I was very eager to try out all of this "manly" stuff. I concentrated on masculine mannerisms, wearing strictly "men's" clothes, had a resistance to makeup. (part 1).

My appointments with the Gender Clinic are coming along nicely. They’ve even given me the “thumbs up” for HRT and I have been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. I’m happy to start hormones, as there are things such as having a high-pitched voice that brings on the discomfort, and I know for sure I’m opting in for chest surgery. It’s just that… lately, I’ve been allowing myself to explore my gender presentation a little more, and to think about things. I know I came out as FTM, but.. (part 2).

But it just doesn’t feel… well, at first I felt “yes! I’m a boy! I have always been a boy!” but now that I’m out socially, and my hormone treatment is going to begin soon… I begin to realise that I don’t feel 100% male. In fact. I don’t really feel like anything sometimes. Just me. Just myself. Now, nobody knows about this besides you. The fact that I’ve transitioned socially makes this awkward. I feel shame. Nothing but shame, and I know there’s nothing to be ashamed of but.. (part 3).

But I can’t help the shame, I can’t stop the shame, and it’s only hurting me. Originally I wanted to start HRT to pass as a full-time male, but then I’m realising that I don’t feel comfortable being too masculinised and would rather take T short-term to deepen my voice and then pursue top surgery. I realise that deep down I don’t feel comfortable being seen as 100% male. And I know there’s no “right” way to be a man, yet… oh dear, everything is awkward. (part 4).

I read about non-binary and it feels like it suits me more. And I then see a lot of rubbish online about “non-binary being fake”, the “2 genders” thing and “special snowflakes” and I’m scared about backlash. I know this is the wrong way to think, that things are okay, and my feelings are valid. But I keep trying to shove away this part of myself, and it’s awful. It doesn’t help that the NHS here doesn’t cater too well to non-binary transition. I can’t talk with them about it. (part 5).

It scares me, my parents and friends are waiting for my therapy. Everyone knows me as a male. They think I’m staying on hormones full-time, but I might not. I might stop halfway through. I might not feel comfortable with male pattern baldness (not saying it will happen), the fat redistribution or infertility. I might not be comfortable with hair growing on my chest. Even if I can shave it off. It’s a different part of dysphoria. I know this is more of a vent than a question. (part 6).

I’m very stressed. I can’t think. I don’t even know what I’m saying. And honestly, I’m so very sorry if anything comes out as offensive! I really didn’t mean to.. I brought up the NHS as they don’t know about this feeling. If I discuss it with them, they may take me off hormones or keep the HRT further back. I can’t wait any longer than I have. I just need to stop feeling ashamed, disgusted and scared of being non-binary. I need to accept myself, but I find it hard… I wish I knew what to do..

Mostly, I just want offer you the biggest, warmest hug and pile of love. I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. Recognizing exorsexism/transphobia and unlearning it are two very different processes. We live in a very binary, transphobic society. Even when you recognize problems, that doesn’t mean it absolves you of your thoughts or emotions. Unworking and untangling all this is a difficult journey. So don’t beat yourself up because you have hurtful or invalidating thoughts or feelings or reactions! That’s a part of being human. Being nonbinary doesn’t make this process any easier. We’re just as exposed to exorsexism and transphobia as everyone else. It just impacts us more personally.

As for re-coming out, you don’t have to. You’ve absolutely no reason to feel any shame for better discovering who you are, but if you’re not ready to or plain just don’t want to, you do not need to tell this to anyone else. Don’t force yourself to put your mental health in jeopardy for some odd sense of what you feel you have to because you don’t. It is hard to come out as nonbinary! It’s hard to come out when you’ve already come out as something else! It’s hard to come out, and that’s I say that doing so is an incredibly personal thing for ourselves. You should want to come out or need to come out if you’re going to come out. You don’t have any “duty” or “responsibility” to come out again here.

However, I will encourage you to follow what you want regarding HRT. If you want to stop HRT at some point, then you should do so! You can always get back on hormones if you decide later. This is your decision - you do what you need to in order to achieve the transition you’re looking for.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. You are always welcome here, okay?

~ Mod Sock

#Anonymous #q&a #exorsexism #internalized exorsexism #internalized transphobia #advice #acceptance #validation

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duskfloret · 7 years ago

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And all of the crystals for Aris too!! (only if you want to do so many, because that's a lot)

「 ♔ it’s a lot but i brought this on myself so :’) (also i only did like… half of it, so there’s that) ❞ @therapcn / accepting. 」

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionally

For him, it’s rather simple: if something bad happened to anyone he cares about. Nothing else can crack his calm disposition quite like that, but fortunately, he does have a lot of restraint (that he shouldn’t ever have to use, though it happens).

aegerine: my muse’s opinion of the supernatural

He believes in it! Given his own situation and the fact that he’s met a couple gods, he has no reason not to, though he hardly knows anything about the supernatural beyond how it affects him personally. It’s just not one of his priorities.

agate: how my muse calms down

Looking at pictures of his friends and family, mostly. Doing so reminds him of what he has to be happy about. While it’s difficult to get him worked up to begin with, it’s always been easy for him to calm down.

blue lace agate: my muse’s favorite form of communication (verbal, letters, texting, etc.)

He likes talking to people face to face! He likes seeing their reactions, how they move when they talk, hearing their voices, everything! Texting and phone calls are also nice, but he definitely prefers seeing the person he’s talking to.

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly

Probably brave… or just an idiot. He’s reckless more than anything else, even if he has figured out his limits. Still, he’s usually the first person to volunteer to do something questionable.

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themself

He thinks he’s pretty average overall, and his self-esteem is neither particularly high nor particularly low. If he’s proud of something he’s done recently, it’ll go up a bit, but other than that, it’s just average. While he doesn’t think too highly of himself, he doesn’t think there’s really anything that’d make him a bad person either. It balances out.

amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse to be dishonest

Very few! Recently, it’s been the whole “keeping reincarnation a secret from the ones who don’t have memories” thing, and he’s had to make up stories to cover his tracks once or twice when he slipped up, but other than that, he prides himself on his honesty.

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift into

A dog! Dogs are amazing, and he’s also curious about what it’d be like to be pet, so definitely a dog.

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my use is

He thinks he’s been rather lucky so far! For starters, he’s still alive (in his past life, he only lived to about sixteen, but now he’s pretty well beyond that). Add to that the fact that he was born into a good family and has been surrounded by great people his entire life, and he has no reason to think he’s been anything but lucky.

apatite: a headcanon about my muse’s intuition

It’s slightly above average. Not great, but far from being terrible. He can usually tell whether or not someone is trustworthy, at least.

apophyllite: my muse’s religious/spiritual beliefs

Hellenistic polytheism, of course. He’s not terribly open about it (mostly just because he gets tired of explaining it to people) and he’s not the most diligent when it comes to practicing, but still.

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxed

With family or friends (or both)! He finds their company relaxing in general, so spending time with everyone is always good for him.

bloodstone: how my muse sees themself as part of the world at large

It’d be nice if he had a bigger impact on the world, but he’s also content if the only effect is that he’s been a positive influence on the people he cares about.

calcite: my muse’s social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.)

He’s an extrovert who loves being around people, whether it’s spending time with them one-on-one, in a small group, or at a party! He has no real preference as long as he enjoys the company he’s with.

carnelian: an art-related headcanon

Going to art museums has always been one of his favourite hobbies, and he likes going to the same ones over and over to see how the exhibits change over time!

celestite: how my muse deals with anxiety

He’s not really an anxious person to begin with, so…? But on the off chance he does get anxious, he deals with it by making himself a nice cup of tea (though he prefers coffee in general, but tea is more relaxing) and calling someone and chatting with them. Sometimes, he’ll make food and watch a movie. All in all, he’s definitely more of a “distraction therapy” type of person.

chalcedony: the saddest my muse has ever been

A few months after Nona moved away, he lost his phone and had to get a new one… and a new number, which he had no way of telling her about because all of her contact information was saved in the one he lost. He tried to remedy the situation via social media, but she’d deleted all her accounts (because her stalker had used them to keep tabs on her), so it was a lost cause. Though he asked around school to see if anyone had her number, he was sad to discover that when she’d changed it after the whole incident, she’d only given the new one to him. And that’s the story of how he lost contact with his best friend on the planet.

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationships

He’s always been of the opinion that it’s best to be honest with his feelings and talk things over in a mature manner–that’s just the kind of guy he is. If he’s unhappy or doesn’t think things will work out, he’ll say so. After all, he’d rather be honest about the situation than lead the other person on.

charoite: who my muse looks up to

Anyone he cares about, really! If he spends a lot of time with someone, it’s because there’s something he admires about them! In particular, he looks up to his parents and the family maid, who’ve all been great to him growing up!

diamond: a sex headcanon

While he personally identifies as pansexual, he has a heavy preference for men over anyone else. He’s also the type to only sleep with someone he’s in a relationship with (the thought of doing otherwise makes him uncomfortable, if only because he sees it as such an intimate act). He’s been in one relationship–well, two, technically, but the other only lasted a few dates, so he doesn’t count it–from towards the end of his senior year of high school to the fall, when the guy went off to college and Aris took a gap year. The break-up was amicable: they simply decided that a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work for them. They still talk from time to time, but not very often.

nebula stone: how good my muse’s memory is

Better than average. He can remember most things, but stuff still slips his mind, and he doesn’t remember everything, to say the least. In particular, he forgets half the dumb stuff he does.

pyrite: a physical health headcanon

Overall, his health is good! He doesn’t exercise as much as he should, but he eats well and (usually) gets enough sleep and whatnot.

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see them

He’s very much aware that he’s always been the Odd But Nice kid, and that that’s how most people see him. And he’s completely fine with this.

rhodonite: if my muse prefers elegance or convenience

He likes to keep a balance between the two, but he’s started leaning more towards convenience the more time he spends away from home, where things tend to be a bit more elegant.

rubellite: if my muse has any ‘triggers’ that inspire painful memories

While he’s fine with looking at and being around large bodies of water, being in them causes him to panic. The one and only time he’s attempted to swim in the ocean, he passed out and almost drowned… again. Suffice to say, he hasn’t risked it since.

serpentine: how my muse would seduce another [alt: how my muse makes their money]

Despite the fact that he’s a smooth-talker with an A+ in flattery, he would get too flustered to seduce someone. Please save him.

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fate

Yeah, but like Pyrrha, he only believes in fate in terms of broad strokes and not in the way that every day of everyone’s lives are planned out.

verdite: my muse’s ethnicity/family history

His whole family’s from Greece! Every now and then, he goes back to visit the rest of his family (since his parents are the only ones that live in the States), which is always fun.

zoisite: does my muse believe everything’s going to work out for them in the end or not?

He assumes it probably will! So far, there’s no real reason to think otherwise, since everything is going pretty well for him.

#therapcn #♔「 ooc ; ask 」even the stars are whispering to each other ❞#☼「 aris ; about 」he fell: but first he dared to soar ❞#i did half because i couldn't summon up the motivation to do all of it #and something is better than nothing #thank you for sending all these!

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scripttorture · 7 years ago

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So, I have a plotbunny where what happens to the MC functionally = partial(?) Solitary Confinement, but it's a little odd so I'd like your thoughts to see if I'm on a realistic track? MC (16yo girl) voluntarily agrees to "give her life" to a supernatural being to save her mother. However, classic Fairy Logic applies - she THINKS she'll die or disappear, but it's actually "you must devotedly guard this isolated magical place". What this amounts to is a situation I'll detail in more Asks...?(1/7)

2/7) So, MC thinks then that she'll be obligated to do this forever/rest of her life, in order to save/protect her mother. She's compassionate/strongly attached to her loved ones, so keeping BOTH her parents from suffering from what would happen to Mom is "worth it" to her (note: effectively there is also another "her" who is their kid. The parents don't realize a "version" of her is doing this, so they're blissfully ignorant too). This gives her a Purpose automatically, but it definitely (...)(3/7) changes what she thought she was resigned to. The (humanoid) entity she's serving does spend time with her each day, including gentle touch, and leaves its familiars (two very friendly big cats) with her always, but it does leave her by herself for long periods (hours at a time), and she is forbidden from leaving without permission and even when one of her friends winds up finding the place, she's not allowed to admit to them it's really her/have proper contact with them. However (...)(4/7) Shortly after that, she is told that it was never intended to be permanent - it was for "a year and a day" - a test, which she's just passed. So, she is abruptly told she can/should "go home", when she thought she would be there indefinitely. She winds up with a version of her family who have lost their version of her. They know she's an alt-universe version, but to them, she's so similar to their kid, and anyway, "biologically her twin", that they feel emotionally attached to her (...)(5/7) + they empathize with/feel responsible for her, especially as she's still so young + they're horrified to learn she was apparently "alone" (or at least without her loved ones/normal contact) for so long. They immediately accept her as their kid, and she can't help but see them as the "same" people, so she's drawn to the idea of being adopted/with them but, obviously the whole thing is kind of traumatic and weird for her - and this is what I'm wanting to run by you? So far, I have her (...)(6/7) struggling to adjust to the sudden shift in routines (they try to send her back to normal school, which feels "noisy" and "chaotic" to her; she puts up with it b/c she "has to", but winds up "spacey and distracted" [dissociating] during some of her classes, and struggles with focus on academic material); being twitchy/hypervigilant (she reduces her anxiety by always plotting physical exits and practicing kata every morning/evening); having poor sleep/trouble falling asleep/nightmares (...)(7/7) + suffering anxiety/self-doubt, questioning whether these versions of her loved ones really accept her or if they just feel obligated to pretend/secretly internally reject her or worse, see her as a daily reminder of the girl they lost and feeling pain that they're hiding from her. She also tries to pretend nothing is wrong when they ask how she's doing out of worry, b/c she doesn't want to "burden" anybody. Plausible - yes/no/maybe? (Also - sorry for the length of this, wow)

I actually really likelong asks. They tend to mean I have all the detail I need to give a proper,helpful answer. (They are a little intimidating but so satisfying once answered).Sorry it took so long to get this answered.

You’ve got a reallyinteresting scenario here and I think generally speaking it’s really plausible.

I always link to Shalev’sSourcebook when solitary comes up because it’s a brilliant free resource.

All of the thingsyou’ve hit on are possible symptoms of prolonged (ie over a week) solitaryconfinement. And they’re symptoms that can persist for a very long time afterrelease.

She should also showthese symptoms while she’s insolitary. You could write it asthough she had these symptoms but didn’t consciously notice most of them whileshe was acting as a guard. If she was spending most of her time alone or withanimals she might not necessarily have processed her dissociation, anxiety orhypervigilance as unusual.

People aren’t alwaysaware of the symptoms they have. Sometimes it takes interaction with others torealise that what’s happening isn’t ‘normal’. She may also have seen her symptoms as normal for her situation and expected them to stop instantly if she ever got out.

If the only human-likeinteraction she has is with a mythological creature (that from the sound ofthings doesn’t think or act like a human) well then she could potentially go ayear without realising these are symptoms. She’d feel them and she’d feel‘bad’, but she might not have the words to express them or think of them assomething that’s caused by her circumstances.

The interaction she haswith her ‘captor’ sounds as though it’s mostly positive and never violent. Thatwould help her hugely.

The main negative factor is her going throughthis thinking that she’ll be stuck there forever. It sounds as though she madepeace with that and accepted her fate. So suddenly being jerked out of thatsituation would be a helluva shock. And that would impact her symptoms.

Overall I think you’vegot a very solid scenario here, but there are two things I’d suggest adding toit.

The first is physicalsymptoms. Solitary does have a set of physical symptoms some of which may becaused by prison conditions but some are harder to pin down. The eye sightproblems Shalev lists may be causedby the conditions in the average solitary cell, which isn’t similar to her situation. But the headaches, joint aches and insomniaare harder to pin down. They could be applicable to her situation and thephysical symptoms of solitary confinement/isolation are rarely discussed infiction.

The second thing ismemory problems. Difficulty concentrating and learning are common in torturevictims and can persist for years after torture. I’d expect a noticeable dropin her grades if she returned to school. I’d also expect her to find learningand remembering information from her classes more difficult, and for that to befrustrating and perhaps stressful.

It’s the kind of thingthat feeds into a victim’s negative feelings about themselves, whether they‘belong’ in their community and their self worth. And since you seem to befocusing on that through her other mental health problems I think includingmemory problems could add to your story.

It sounds a lot likeyou’re exploring the social isolation victims can feel, or at least as thoughthe story could be heading there. I think that’s great because it’s notsomething we generally see in fiction. At least not from theinside.

Instead social isolation tends to be something victims are blamed for:either because their symptoms are deemed socially unacceptable (and thereforetheir fault) or because they’re not ‘trying hard enough’ to interact. The wayyou’ve used her symptoms to show whyshe feels out of place and how that can lead to further isolation is reallyvery good. And probably true to a lot of people’s experiences.

Some further points youmight want to consider-

How well known is thissort of magic in your setting? If your character doesn’t have to constantlyexplain what happened to her and if this sort of situation happens often enoughthat she’s believed that will helpher recovery a lot. But it will probably also affect how the people around herinteract with her. Do kids at school pester her, point her out in thecorridors, or want her to recount every detail of her ordeal?

Would the kind ofsacrifice you character made be regarded as exceptional, or would it be anexpected/proper show of familial devotion?

Would the people aroundher make any kind of allowances for her behaviour/experience? For example ifshe finds school noisy and chaotic would the other children talk more quietlyif she asked? If they do makeallowances would she be grateful or resent them as a reminder that she’s‘different’ and doesn’t fit in.

Arethere any other people who might have experienced something similar? Could shecommunicate with them? Mental illness is usually pretty scary but it’s a LOTscarier if you can’t recognise what’s happening to you. Being able tocommunicate with someone who could tell her that the anxiety, the hypervigilance,the (possible) memory problems are normalwould help her immensely. It would put these symptoms into context and enableher to recognise them as symptomsrather than something fundamentally ‘broken’ about herself.

Beingable to exchange coping strategies can also be hugely beneficial.

This is also going tobe hugely stressful for her parents who are probably trying very hard tosupport her, but may not know exactly what to do. My own family has generallybeen pretty shit about mental health so I have rather more examples of thingsthat don’t help than things that do.

One ‘normal’ thing thatstands out which could potentially have a huge negative effect is how theyrespond to her falling grades and the way she’s struggling at school.Approaching it as though she’s not working hard or trying could be hugelydamaging and feed into her doubts and anxiety.

I hope that helps.Generally I think it sounds like you’re doing really well. :)

Disclaimer

#tw torture #isolation #solitary confinement #psychological effects of torture #memory #physical symptoms of solitary #mental health #recovery #vorpalgirl

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