#like rather than be something painfully obvious if circumstances were different i want it to be terribly hard where it sometimes makes sense

[seasaltmemories]

Honestly this might be the hipster in me, but the more ppl extol about the beauty of enemies to lovers, the more I think I might like it more in the concept then in practice

[mizutori-heiko]

Mizutori’s bakudeku fanfiction master list [complete works]

Really really good writing by these incredible authors. In no particular order! These are all Top!Bakugou and Bottom!Deku. If A/B/O dynamics then it’s Alpha!Bakugou and Omega!Deku. Yes, I have preferences.

Canon World – until 15k

What The Fuck Did You Just Call Me? by reading_raindrop | 8,303 | Izuku starts calling him Bakugou and it pisses the explosive teen off a lot more than he thought it would.

Oh right, you were a little sh*t by SaysiWrites | 5,653 | When Midoriya Izuku gets hit by an age-reversion Quirk, the last thing anyone expected to find out is that Toddler-Izuku is a little shit. Except for one Bakugou Katsuki, who has seen this phase one too many times already. (Bonus+ the entire Little Sh*t (Kidfic) series)

Do Not Disturb by surveycorpsjean | 10,010 | Apply enough force, and something is bound to break.

And Atlas fell by supercrunch | 15,185 | They move in together, after a while. Katsuki joins Best Jeanist and Izuku trains under Gran Torino. They still take comfort in each other every day, curl up in bed and kiss and talk about how life is going. Their live are tumultuous, after all, what with villains and training and rescuing people every week. It’s nice to have something certain. At the end of a day filled with violence and adrenaline, Izuku knows he can come home to someone concrete. It’s perfect. Being a hero is scary and grueling and uncertain, but this part is just right. And then, one day, a child dies in Izuku’s arms.

be loved by bonnia | 5,403 | The kidnapping incident leaves bakugou traumatised about being touched on the back of his neck, and midoriya decides to take matters into his own hands.

Big Protein by Mysecretfanmoments | 13,683 | Bakugou Katsuki has a thriving hero career, an agent to manage his famous attitude, and absolutely zero romantic interest in anyone. With the exception of his favourite health food joint refusing to expand to his city, his life is pretty damn perfect—so why does a viral video revealing Deku's stash of dirty mags involving him and Deku together turn everything upside-down?

Chocolate cake and resin preserved flowers by Anoksun | 11,396 | Izuku loses his memories. Katsuki struggles not to lose Izuku too.

Twin Stars by theperksofbeinglarissa | 8,435 | When Deku saves a woman's life, her quirk is accidentally activated. Her quirk? She reveals a person's soulmate. A star-shaped mark appears on Midoriya's left arm... and on Bakugou's as well. Kirishima is the only one who knows that Bakugou is Midoriya's soulmate, and Bakugou isn't taking the news very well. Can the twin stars of class 1-A work out their differences and find their happy ending?

Unhealthy Fixations by Thesis | 12,522 | Izuku is an adult who knows better than to crush on his childhood bully. AND YET.

Like the Moon by osakakitty | 14,781 | Katsuki Bakugo is having constant, erotic dreams about Izuku Midoriya. He isn’t sure why, but they won’t go away. In order to make them stop, he needs to figure out what Izuku Midoriya means to him.

Worth a Second Shot by cinnabee | 13,080 | Katsuki and Izuku celebrate registering as a Hero Duo together with a big party. What could go wrong?

Like Something Out of A Shoujo Manga by Merrywetherweather | 2,971 | Deku ends up in a rather interesting quirk accident, one that triggers flag events as if he were the protagonist of an otome game.

Canon World – 15k++

Blood Moon by lalazee | 94,860 | The Thank-Fuck-We-Aren’t-Dead Sex had started then, and had never really stopped. Then came the feelings and the fights. The ego, the pride, the jealousy. And then there was Us.

The Way You Used To Do by edema_ruh | 669,463 | During a battle, Midoriya gets hit by a villain whose quirk detaches his soul from his body. Stuck in a ghost-like state, the boy enters a race against time in order to save himself from permanently dying. Much to his luck - or lack of it -, the only person who can see and talk to him in this state is no one other than Kacchan.

Just Like Breathing by MD_Daydreamer | 35,423 | Izuku got engaged. He didn't mind. If that made Uraraka happy, he could do it. He thought his life wouldn't change much.But then, Kacchan went to live in the USA.

briar roses (and hundred years of sleep) by vannral | 15,951 | In which Izuku is hit by a ‘Sleeping Beauty’ Quirk, Class 3-A tries to find his True Love and get them to kiss him, and Katsuki’s very angry about it all.

"what's your type?" by sapphicflower | 20,192 | In order to increase their popularity rankings as up and coming pro heroes, Izuku and Katsuki participate in the most popular late night talk show for hero duos - ‘Heroes Rising!’. They’re killing it, obviously, because they know each other from inside and out. Until one question stumps the two of them: “What is your hero partner’s type?”

and it was Just Right by cinnabee | 23,759 | Katsuki spends two years post-graduation in a furious one-sided competition with his childhood friend and rival's promotional photos - until they finally run into each other, and, well. You shouldn't believe everything you see in magazines. A love story about size differences.

Notice Me, Nerd by useless_donut | 40,000 | Bakugou is in love with Midoriya. He doesn’t hide it, in fact it’s so painfully obvious that the entire class of 3-A has him figured out in a matter of months (days, in some cases). Too bad Midoriya is the most oblivious motherfucker out there, and Bakugou is too damn stubborn to actually ask him out. A love story as witnessed by the class of 3-A.

in your dreams, nerd! by sapphicflower | 37,639 | In a strange and unexpected set of circumstances, Izuku and Katsuki find themselves sharing their dreams together whenever they happen to fall asleep at the same time. Being hopelessly in love with each other, they don’t mind it all that much. What better way to spend time with your crush than in a stupidly vivid dream?

Hear Me by my_name_is_Levi | 22,419 | It wasn’t as if nightmares were uncommon for the freshman class of Yuuei. They’d seen plenty of things, heard and felt and witnessed enough travesty in their lives to last them a lifetime. But Midoriya Izuku was screaming, and no one, not even Bakugo Katsuki could ignore it.

Bridges by supercrunch | 18,018 | Bakugou is signed up for a Calvin Klein modeling gig. The thing is, they really do need the money. And Katsuki's technically the leader of this bunch of morons, so he finds himself taking the job even though his pride will never recover. And even though nobody thought to tell him that he'd be working with his ex-boyfriend. You know, the cute freckled guy from high school who went and broke his heart. So, yeah. This whole situation kind of sucks.

objective truth by mamalade | 15,390 | Izuku gets hit with a truth quirk, as one does. He seems to be handling it well—until Katsuki shows up.

catharsis by dollcewrites | 15,071 | It's been six years since Izuku graduated.It's been six years since he confessed to his childhood friend; his classmate and his inspiration. It's been six years since he deleted Bakugou's number, asked his friends not to mention the name, spent every last effort of his heart turning off the TV and averting his eyes from the newspapers. It's been six, long, long years since he gave up on Katsuki Bakugou ever loving him back.

Here here, my friends and me (You are my familia) by Jeka | 128,832 | Bakugou Katsuki has made a great job of ignoring the fact that he is tragically in love with Deku, someone who could never love him like that and let's face it, he doesn't deserve. Now that he can't ignore it anymore, he has to find a way to keep his childhood friend and move on for his own sake. Or so he had thought, maybe he can have Deku, after all. Izuku has everything he always wanted in life. But suddenly he has to navigate the most important relationship in his life through different eyes.

Canon World – Jealous! 

Hands Off by SaysiWrites | 7,140 | When a new girl at school starts flirting with Bakugou, his friends quickly become invested in the idea of their friend experiencing love - even if he doesn't seem at all interested in her. What they don't see is Midoriya fuming in the background. But how can he get rid of her when they've spent so long keeping their relationship a secret?

Surfaces by surveycorpsjean | 25,225 | Katsuki has a new girlfriend, but something isn't right. As impossible as it is, Izuku can't help but wonder what it'd be like to be called Katsuki's girl.

Green-Eyed Beast by SecretKiwi | 4,721 | Everyone wants a piece of Katsuki Bakugou, but they should beware of the Green-eyed beast always lurking close behind him.

Green with Envy by Sol_Morales707 | 2,611 | Izuku Midoriya is not as innocent and pure as everyone thinks he is. The truth was he was very jealous and willing to do anything for a certain blonde.

Happy Camper by Arysa | 7,074 | Wanting a break from the stress of dealing with the rookie Pro Hero grind, a handful of students from Class A decide to go on a camping trip. Izuku's excited to relax and catch up with everyone, especially Kacchan. But, well, Kacchan's... Kacchan. And dating Kirishima.

How to stop time: kiss by Teddingtons | 31,693 | Deku finally asks Uraraka out. Everyone's supportive except Bakugou who can't even look him in the eye. Deku seeks him out after and is hit with truth.

What I Deserve by s_the_queen | 16,671 | When Izuku starts dating a student in General Studies, everyone is happy for him. She's super sweet and really caring. But something doesn't sit right with Katsuki.

Deku's Already Fucking Taken by asdfjkl129 | 20,704 | 5 times people don't realize that Deku is already in a very happy relationship and try their hand at asking him out, and then in Bakugou's unique and special style, get very firmly corrected, +1 time where no correction is needed.

His by sister_elric | 6,206 | Izuku would like to consider himself a pretty level headed individual. Sure, he had the occasional tunnel vision, especially when it came to training. And hero work. And Kacchan. But, overall, Midoriya felt as though he typically kept his cool. Well, maybe that was a stretch. But, at the very least he could understand his own emotions. So, it surprised even him when an unfamiliar emotion coursed through him as a first year approached his boyfriend, Katsuki.

Down the Red Line by MinervaHope | 7,804 | Izuku has been able to see the red strings of fate since birth. It's no surprise that his is connected to Katsuki.

Canon World – Fake Relationship Goes Wrong

how he should’ve known (and how it turned out) by vannral | 43,918 | In which Katsuki and Izuku pretend to be a couple to avoid journalists, the plan backfires magnificently because of course it does, and the act goes on. Includes feelings, pining, domestic fluff and jealousy.

Vicious by feelslikefire | 105,173 | Midoriya and Bakugou wind up in the very last position either of them thought they'd be in: Hero Partners. It's not fun, but they learn to cope. Their first big assignment together takes them undercover to infiltrate a cult, but the situation turns out far more sinister than they first thought.

What I can never tell you by Mikacrispy | 27,067 | After living in the US for 5 years, Izuku returns to take care of a concussed Bakugou who believes they're engaged. Now, Izuku has to pretend he's in a relationship with the man he's loved for most of his life, knowing that it's just a matter of time until Katsuki gets better and realizes it's all a lie.

Not-Dating by MiraChaDoodles | 14,290 | Katsuki takes Deku on a not-date to save his career, only to find himself wishing it were real.

we'll do the things that lovers do by ethereals | 29,544 | Izuku gets an invitation to Shouto's wedding and Katsuki is PISSED that he asks Kirishima to be his date (also he wasn't even fucking invited

Canon World – Friends With Benefits (?) 

Four Times Bakugou Katsuki Doesn't Intend to Sleep With Midoriya Izuku (And the One Time that He Does) by fallingraine85 | 17,601 | He hadn’t planned for any of this. He isn’t about to go delving into the ball of yarn that is Midoriya Izuku’s heart; he isn’t equipped to try and untangle and make sense of it all. He isn’t about to try to analyze how he’s feeling about all of this, either.... How many times can you repeat the same mistake?

We Wear Chains on the Weekend by surveycorpsjean | 35,086 | Well, in a day of revelations, it turns out that Izuku isn't as vanilla as Katsuki previously thought. Unfortunately, that fascinating discovery is overshadowed by Izuku's dumbassery, because he has zero concept of aftercare."Don't go to anyone else," Katsuki says, because screw it. He can do a better job anyways. Or; Katsuki finds Izuku on a bad drop.

Just for Now by Shiro_Kabocha | 48,135 | Katsuki's parents are out of town over a school break and to keep him from getting up to any shenanigans, they ask Izuku to house sit with him. What are two teenaged boys to do when left alone to their own devices? (Bonus+ the entire Just for Love series)

safe in the darkness by yoonskisses | 20,855 | Izuku and Katsuki had been meeting up secretly for months, with absolutely no feelings involved. Or so Katsuki thought at least. The dorm gossip about Ochaco and Izuku's new relationship seemed to set a spanner in the works for their arrangement.

Alternative Universe – No Quirks

Bluebird by EtherealBeing | 53,108 | Dialing a wrong number was no unusual occurrence. Everyone did it once in a while, and Katsuki was well aware of that fact. However, possessing this knowledge made it no less aggravating for him to discover — a full two minutes into his rant about his day — that he’d been venting his frustrations to a complete stranger. As if that wasn't enough, said stranger was also inexplicably determined to hear his story to its end.

Someone Borrowed by mynameis152 | 138,996 | It felt like hours that he stared at Izuku, coming to terms with the fact that a man, his childhood best friend, whom he hadn’t seen since their senior year of high school, was there in front of his very eyes. Then his brows furrowed and his jaw clenched before he uttered through gritted teeth the very name Izuku had longed to hear for years. “Deku.”

Dark Side of the Sun by Synnie | 51,598 | Staying up too late playing video games, Kirishima wasn't expecting to get an urgent call begging for help. Next thing he knew, he was letting his classmate Izuku Midoriya take refuge in his apartment - without consulting his always angry roommate.

Manage Me by Justaperson1718 | 10,756 | Izuku becomes Katsuki’s model agent.

Don't Set Your Drink Down by Crandberrycrush | 88,424 | With sudden clarity Izuku realized he had broken the first rule of going out. Never leave your drink unattended.

Livewire by pretty_rekless | 18,160 | Per Ochako's request, Izuku downloads a gay dating app in hopes to finally find a partner. Except every single one of his leads keep ghosting him or standing him up... That is until one hot, fiery blond enters the chat. Grindr/Tinder AU fic.

Drinking Watermelon by warschach | 8,906 | Katsuki works as a camp counselor, and Izuku is a boy made of summer heat and sunlight.

Precious Pet by Mikacrispy | 6,379 | When broke college student Midoriya Izuku found a job that offered lodging, food, and good pay for four hours of work each day, he thought it was too good to be true. But he called anyway. Turns out all he has to do is to be the spoiled little puppy of a rich businessman.

Our Eleven Summers by Dark_Mage_Ayumu | 34,472 | The first time Katsuki met Izuku was when he was eight. For the next eleven years, Izuku changed his life, and no one even knew. Their relationship was something they shared in secret.

sticky note crushes by ladyofsnails | 3,239 | Katsuki hates his roommate. The green-haired, freckled, artsy son of a bitch with his dumb pun t-shirts and paint-stained hands he can’t fucking keep to himself. Katsuki can’t leave a single assignment or paper out in his room because that idiot will just grab anything to draw on it. He’s like a shark that can’t stop swimming else it’ll die – he can’t stop drawing. Ever.

Don't Play Pretend by SweetSide | 10,103 | Actor AU: Deku and Bakugou get the leading roles for an upcoming TV Drama. They weren’t aware that they would be working with each other for who knows how long. It would’ve been completely fine if they weren’t exes.

97.6 FM by jamjars | 32,249 | Izuku can’t stop listening to the radio host with the deep voice who sounds like he’s stuck in 2010. It’s a harmless crush. That is until he starts calling into the show under the pseudonym Deku.

Read {between} Your Lines by greatcloudninja | 52,252 | Midoriya Izuku, up-and-coming actor, has finally hit his big break (...), Bakugou Katsuki, who has been acting for over twenty years.However, Bakugou seems to have it out for Izuku, leading to tension both on and off set. When some incriminating photos surface, the studio suggests (...): having Bakugou and Midoriya fake a relationship to get ahead of the rumors. 

I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts by PassingShadow | 5,522 | Izuku is a professional cuddler and Katsuki is his new client that’s just a little rough around the edges, and needs a natural healing touch.

Alternative Universe – Quirkless Deku

A Good Old-Fashioned Tattoo AU by lalazee | 14,437 | After their paths had split, Bakugou & Deku meet again as adults. While Bakugou begins to repent for the kid he used to be, he also starts to prove himself as he the man he is now.

Call Me a Safe Bet (I'm Betting I'm Not) by WTTTD | 10,803 | He wished he had some sort of heads up before seeing Deku again for the first time after nearly two years, looking like the essence of a lazy Sunday, smiling and surrounded with brand new, adoring friends. It was a little fitting that Katsuki burned for him so badly. (Support Department Deku)

In Which Kacchan Has a Ruff Time by OneshotPrincess | 14,511 | Bakugou Katsuki gets quirked into a dog, gets adopted by an unknowing Izuku and generally has a very rough few days full of realizations

While You Were Sleeping by Belkacaramelka (annabelleg) | 71,197 | The one where quirkless fanboy Midoriya Izuku rescues Pro Hero Todoroki Shouto, gets mistaken as his fiancé while he is in a coma, and gets caught up in the most unlikely fake engagement... until his childhood enemy and Todoroki's classmate Bakugou Katsuki tries to catch him out, and they both end up discovering a lot more about each other than they'd expected.

Let Me Assist You Personally by Seeress | 32,806 | Izuku is long-suffering Personal Assistant to #1 Pro Hero Dynamight.Dynamight can't keep a PA to save his career. They all quit crying after a few days weeks. Enter, Izuku—with enough money problems to brave the jaws of the cranky beast. Childhood friend turned glorified paid slave. Somehow it all works out. ‘Kill them with kindness’, his mom had told him once. If that were true, Bakugou Katsuki would be stone-cold dead by now.

Smile For The Camera by kurokonekokilled | 19,179 | Midnight has a cam site, home to millions of users, but one catches Katsuki's eye when he goes scrolled through it in search for something to help him release a little stress. A live stream and the best orgasm of his life later, his wallet is lighter, and he might be almost as obsessed with this Deku guy as the cam boy is with him.

Just Like The Comics by brichibi | 24,935 | Where Izuku works at a comic book shop because that’s as close to a hero as he’s gonna get, and Katsuki plays the part of heroic ex-boyfriend who is good at everything except winning Izuku back... maybe

Alternative Universe – Quirks

Get on my Level by Mikacrispy | 92,273 | Bakugou Katsuki is a Pro Hero whose boss demands him to take an intern. Midoriya Izuku is a UA student who needs an internship. When the two of them are put together, they learn about what it truly means to be a Hero and what it means to be in love.

A/B/O – Secret! Baby

Home by Emerald2402 | 87,214 | Midoriya Izuku left Japan in a rush, moving to America without a word to anyone else. But then almost 11 years later he arrives back Home and Bakugou Katsuki's Alpha is furious. Fuck that, Bakugou is furious, because Midoriya Izuku, an omega he tasted one time, has been keeping a very big, very blonde haired, green eyed secret.

Those Under the Same Stars by PerpetuallyPerturbed | 325,553 | When Katsuki Bakugo left Izuku Midoriya five years ago, he thought it was for forever. He put aside dreams and wishes of the omega to focus on his career. He was going to be the best hero, after all. He couldn't have an omega getting in his way. So when he's stopped on the streets one day by a pup begging for help for his mom, he isn't prepared to face what he gave up, and what the consequences of his actions were. (Quirkless Deku)

A/B/O – Quirks

Mark Me. Make Me Yours. by decadentbynature | 10,062 | Midoriya is the only Omega at UA and he's been hiding it well but there's one issue that threatens to expose him: his attraction to an Alpha, Bakugo. After being told to give some paperwork to Bakugo, Midoriya lets him into his dorm room and is immediately overwhelmed by his scent. Unable to help himself, he gives in to his urges, only to be discovered by Bakugo but instead of becoming enraged, Bakugo decides to give Midoriya exactly what he wants

Claim Me by ScientificallySinful (VampireGaaraCheesepuffs) | 114,449 | Being an Alpha has nothing to do with Katsuki's success as a Pro-Hero, the same way Deku's Omega status hasn't kept him from becoming Number Two. Secondary gender doesn't mean anything nowadays and “mating” is an antiquated practice. So when Izuku, his rival, asks Katsuki to Claim him in the middle of the night, there is only one logical thing to say. “What the fuck?”

Change of Plans by Mikacrispy | 185,965 | Alpha Pro Hero Bakugou Katsuki never planned to get married to some random omega but what he wants isn't an option anymore. One for All wielder Midoriya Izuku has suffered injustice too many times and doesn't plan in allowing his secondary gender to dictate how he must live his life. Falling in love was never in the plans.

Going Feral For You by ANGIE_fic | 17,977 | Bakugou has an aggression problem that might have to do with his Alpha. His job is on the line because of it. So what do you do with a pent up Alpha? Yes.Rut. (Quirkless Izuku)

i live for you, i long for you by jeonjeonggukkkkkie | 19,165 | The five times Izuku hinted he wants Katsuki to spend his next heat with him, and the one time Katsuki took the hint.

Baby's First Bloom by ContraryBee | 44,945 | Izuku blooms for Katsuki one warm day in their third year of middle school. What follows is both boys learning about themselves, their bond, and the society they live in.

As Fate Would Have It by ScientificallySinful (VampireGaaraCheesepuffs) | 88,737 | Katsuki Bakugo had plenty of reasons why he wasn't mated yet, not that he was going to explain why to just anyone. But now, Ground Zero was running out of time. If he didn't find someone soon, he'd lose his position as a Pro-Hero and he'd never get to be #1. So, when he finds out there's a male Omega recently arrested for prostitution that's headed to prison if he too doesn't get a mate…well it must be fate. (Quirkless Izuku)

A/B/O – No Quirks

Gravity by warschach | 71,477 | Izuku is back in his hometown and plenty hasn't changed much from the 8 years he was gone. Except, Katsuki Bakugou, the alpha king of their small town. He's hotter- because that's fair, right, God? -, stronger, a now-famous pro fighter, and noticeably nicer this round.Not that he cares, pfft. (Fine, he cares.)

Nine Months by greatcloudninja | 23,303 | Omega Midoriya Izuku connects with Alpha Bakugou Katsuki through an online singles ad. Izuku pays Katsuki to help him with his heat, ending up pregnant in the process. What follows is a pregnancy filled with ups and downs, but whatever hurdles come their way, they can make it through together.

The long dark by Ominous-Anonymous (Ominonymous) | 13,289 | He could have been really dangerous. He could be a fucking murderer for all he knew. But Izuku Midoriya, ever the reckless daredevil, was not thinking of that when he got into a car with a complete stranger. Completely ignoring the part where his mother always taught him to never gets into cars with alphas he didn't know...

[papabearbobbynash]

Bathena’s not likely retirement/promotion

I see a lot of speculations and theories around a retirement arc for Bobby and Athena or a possible promotion for either of them, so I wanted to share my thoughts on it, since these seems to be a popular speculation/theory in the fandom, cementing a lot of discussions (and I love talking about my favorite TV mom and dad).

I do get the writers played with the idea of either Bobby or Athena retiring in the latest seasons (mostly in S4), hence the reason it opened such discussion in the fandom, because the characters themselves already mentioned these possibilities.

The first time in S4 the idea was introduced, we were welcomed to a Bobby who seems very open to the idea of retiring (when the time comes), even suggesting it to his wife as a possibility if they found the money in “Treasure Hunt”. Meanwhile Athena is very restrict, not being very founded by the possibility. This is the general sense we got of these characters over the idea of retiring.

With that said, in my perspective I really don’t expect a retirement to happen until the show is in it’s a series finale or either Peter and Angela asking to leave killing them is not allowed. 

The first thing that comes to my mind regarding the idea of Bobby or Athena retiring is that both are the leads of the show and if they retire I don’t know what they would still be up doing on the show or how the show would continue without them taking big part. So playing with the idea and being viable to execute are different things. 

For Bobby, while retiring would be in character, it would affect the dynamics of the 118 (and we saw how that isn’t really a place we liked to be). I honestly don’t think the writers would do a retirement arc for Bobby so soon after a season we painfully watched how the dynamic of the team was severely affected in negative ways by missing characters (Eddie/Chimney) and also by the impact of the new characters execution so far (yes I’m talking about Lucy poor introduction, Jonah’s obvious problem, and I’m also including how Ravi has been basically erased even tho he was the one working the best with the dynamic of the team). 

And for Athena, even if there is people who does not like how she behaved as a cop in the beginning of the season (completely valid, the writing there was a mess) or want Athena to see a problem with her career and quit to do something else... In the end of the day, cops are still part of the “first responder system” in this show and we all knew very well what we were signing up for in the first season, when the main lead (Athena) was a cop. Considering this, I do wish for her to revalue her career and fight against some problematic behavior she had or might have, but not to retire, even because, currently, Athena is the only link to that “cops are first responders” part, and for the writers to make she quit, they would have to introduce someone first and ground the character way before even thinking in making Athena, the main lead, retire. 

Also back on how she felt over the possibility of retiring. She already refused retiring because she was too proud and stubborn to let the fear she got out of the Jeffrey attack to take the best of her. I’m not sure if the writers will bring the possibility of retiring for her ever again in different circumstances, but by the general sense we got from her character she never really looked interested in retiring.

I also don’t see promotions in the spectre for either of their characters. 

Bobby already said he prefers to be in the field rather than doing a desk job (pretty much the way a promotion would lead his character to). Bobby prefers to work with his team and would be doing that until he is allowed to. We also learned Bobby is a legacy, being the 4th generation of a family of firefighters, what means he probably grew up in stations surrounded by a team and most likely never saw his career as anything different of “being in the field with my team”.

So in my perspective, taking a promotion wouldn’t make much sense with his character. 

Now Athena literally refused a promotion by similar reasons. She likes taking an active part and being on the field to help people.

Being a detective also wouldn’t really fit in the “first responder” dynamic the show has, unless she ended up working with a new character who would becomes a link for the cops part in the first responders system. (Like for example how Romero sometimes works with her. He isn't a first responder, but sometimes ends up working with Athena to solve cases).

So with that said. As much as the idea sounds interesting, I don’t see a retirement or promotion happening anytime soon for their characters, mostly from how their characters were established.

[marcspectrr]

A word or two on Kiara's mental health...

Before I attempt to summarize the 39 page slideshow living rent free in my brain, a preface! This will include spoilers for s2, as well as a few mentions of suicidal thoughts! Also. I love Kiara Carrera with all of my heart so if you're not a fan of her, you might wanna keep scrolling. If you don't vibe with her that's perfectly fine, but this post is heavy with Kiara appreciation, be warned, my respect for her runs deep. The choice is yours, of course, just understand that I'm writing this bc @yellowlaboratory among others have encouraged me to get it out there because it's all I've been thinking about since I watched s2. This is not to start anything.

(This is also not me hating on Pope because I genuinely like his character, he's just made some very questionable choices throughout the show, some I can forgive and some that still don't sit right with me.)

Deep breath, here we go.

It's no secret Kiara has been poorly handled by the writers and therefore the characters at times. We got little development in s1 compared to other main male characters, leaving us to fill in the gaps as far as her ambitions, motivations, family, overall interest in the boys, etc. While I do keep this in mind, I could rant about it for days so for this I'm going off of what we have as well as what's been implied.

Kiara didn't have the same upbringing as the boys but it's clear the Carrera's had/have their struggles. She's got her foot in both worlds, not quite 'rich' but not entirely 'poor', inevitably giving her a fragile sense of belonging and identity. 16 is a hard age even without societal pressures and growing up in a classist environment, but here is where we're assuming the boys come in. They give her a place to feel comfortable in her own skin, with shared interests and accepting her for who she is, which we know the kooks don't provide. Just being around them helps ease those deep insecurities, helps her form meaningful bonds. We weren't given an explicit scene where this was shown but over the course of the two seasons it's clear how she feels about them and what they do for her mentally.

Her relationship with the pogues, however, puts a rift between her and her parents. Mike and Anna clearly want what's best for Kie but it's also obvious they've struggled with her even before the pogues. Anna wants Kiara to have the things she never got growing up, breeding a disconnect since Kiara doesn't share in her mother's interests. This leads into my biggest problem with Kiara's arc in s2, which was how Anna and Mike were written. 

Yes, Kiara didn't/doesn't treat them the best but it went both ways -- they all failed at communicating. Instead of finding a common ground and compensating for the things Kiara cares about, Anna shuts her down and ignores her, leaving her to feel like a problem rather than a person, further perpetuating even less healthy communication. Kiara even says in s2 that's why she doesn't like going home, because it always means walking into an argument and not feeling accepted.

I sorta expected a little more understanding from Anna considering her own background with pogues but instead it backfired. And Mike...he didn't contribute much at all. They could've all done better and need some work. Kiara could be more grateful and Anna and Mike are the parents, the adults, they need to make the space feel safe to talk. Kie didn't just wake up one day and decide to act out and keep her parents in the dark all the time, that stems from not feeling listened to when she does try and open up.

Expanding on this with...the whole Blue Ridge plot. Moment of silence for the show neglecting to acknowledge the academy,  even though it clearly had a big impact on Kiara's life. In s1 we got a brief look into how her 'kook year' affected her and it was not good. More isolation, blurred identity, insecurity and this time suicidal thoughts, with no one to turn to for support, assuming she was not on good terms with her parents then either. I'm assuming this because for them to send her to the academy, hoping to give her better opportunities only for it to end with her wanting to cut her wrists, to then thinking the best option is to send her away again? At this point I hope they didn’t know how badly the academy affected her because sending her away a second time with that knowledge is such a hurtful and oblivious move.

Kiara already thinks her parents see her as a burden, hurting her sense of worth as is. I really wanted to like the Carrera's and I still feel like they genuinely love and care for Kie, I just need to see more communication maybe. And if they choose to include the Blue Ridge plot, which I'm leaning towards yes on that one, I hope it's handled somewhat well, preferably not a tool to create drama even though I know a lot of people want to see it be used that way. I'm very particular, I'm sorry I'm this way.

Things I've seen her being criticized for in s2 is her behavior. The thing that people have to remember is that she's 16 and teenagers are just not the best with navigating their emotions. She made questionable choices (the 'murderer' thing and 'abusing' Pope) but these are both things that fit the plot and her character. She was by no means the only one grieving so I don't know why she's being targeted for it (although I'm not surprised, the fandom treats her horribly). Some of her core characteristics are her high moral integrity as well as her headstrong belief in people and causes. She's never been one to make herself palatable for people and s2 shows a lot of this (calling out the Cameron's, going off in front of the court, etc). Even if it caused them problems and even if they are flaws, that doesn't make her an inherently intolerable character, it makes her realistic. She was not in a good place emotionally and it would've been wrong to shy away from depicting it any other way, especially in a show where the teenage experience is decently represented.

Now with the Pope thing. I think it was handled as well as it could've been considering the circumstances. It really should've never happened but to justify it, emotions are messy, relationships even messier and they were both spiraling at the end of s1. I don't agree with the way it started (why give Kie the line of literally telling him she wanted something different only to show them together next episode, I'm forever confused) but I'm not mad about how it ended. They were both in the wrong at times so only bringing up Kie's faults is just unfair.

I believe they both tried their best and even wanted to feel the right things but learned quickly that's not exactly how it works, which was how it was supposed to be shown. Not as this romanticized, idealistic healthy relationship but as one that has its bumps and was bred out of all the wrong things. All of their body language pointed towards this. Pope didn't deserve to be hurt but Kie clearly didn't intend for things to turn out how they did. She wasn't mentally comfortable enough for a relationship and I can appreciate them showing this in the ways the writers framed it. Even the conversation with Kie describing their night on the beach, I think it was perfect. It was awkward but it was honest, which is so important.

Overall, I think Kiara's gone through a lot mentally that the show could be better at exploring. It doesn't have to be big, obvious lingering shots, they can be subtle and still mean so much to people who relate to her. Seeing someone on screen grapple with real life struggles (even if the show walks a painfully fine line as far as realism), it means a lot. Especially when mental health (more prominent than ever) is so rarely portrayed to translate in any significant way in media now. It's definitely something I would love to see get more time and effort so until then, just know I'll be manifesting the screen time Kiara Carrera deserves.

[poetrusicperry]

A Meddling Friend

charlie dalton one shot

word count: 2,380

warnings: none

notes: soooo i wrote a matchmaker!charlie one shot because i felt like it heh (also there is no way charlie isn’t the best matchmaker around tbh)... here it is (: 

A Meddling Friend

When Charlie “Nuwanda” Dalton set out to do something, hardly anything could stand in his way. A meddler by plain terms, Charlie butted his way into any situation, whether he saw a benefit in it for himself or for others. Oftentimes, Charlie’s triumphs would stem from wanting to succeed. In what? The possibilities were endless. He had once convinced his entire chemistry class to fudge their hardest experiment of the year (“Look, the teacher can’t possibly fail all of us; a failure on all of us means gigantic failure on him,” he’d said pointedly), he’d tricked his younger sister into begging their parents for a dog, despite her allergies (when asked about why he didn’t just ask his parents for a dog, he claimed they were much more inclined to appease his sister), and he’d smooth-talked his way into a date to the Ridgeway Junior Prom at a diner in town on a dare (“Now I have a hot date and five bucks from all of you”). His successes were plentiful, and there was no end in sight.

So when Charlie had endured months of secret glances between his best friend, Neil, and Neil’s roommate, Todd (not to mention the awkward, weighted silences and painfully obvious unsaid words), Charlie decided to do what he did best: meddle.

The leaves were in their adolescence on the trees; varying shades of orange and red made campus seem ablaze. Charlie would find himself, on multiple occasions, staring out the window when he was supposed to be paying attention in class. Today was no different– the leaves were beckoning, and Charlie’s eyes sat fixed upon them until he heard his name being called from the front of the room,

“Mr. Dalton?” being at the back of the room, everyone turned in their desks to look at Charlie.

“Yes, sir?” he replied, unfazed. Dr. Hager had begun to go into detail about the question he had just asked Charlie, but Charlie’s gaze was, again, caught. This time, by Todd, who was the only person not looking at Charlie; Todd was looking at Neil. Charlie hadn’t heard a word his teacher had said, more focused on the fact that Todd was gawking at Neil and Neil didn’t even seem to notice. Rolling his eyes at Charlie, Richard Cameron (Charlie’s roommate), raised his hand to answer the question Dr. Hager asked.

“That’s a demerit, Mr. Dalton,” Dr. Hager deadpanned before calling on Cameron. After everyone had turned back around to face the front of the room, Charlie sat forward in his seat, watching Todd, who was still looking at Neil. Upon dropping his pencil, Neil bent to pick it up, locking eyes with Todd on his way back to sitting normally. A smirk played on Charlie’s face when Todd’s face flushed as he turned back toward the front. And Charlie couldn’t help but notice that Neil’s cheeks had also turned slightly cherry-colored as his eyes darted back to his notes. Charlie sat smugly back into his chair and began to hatch a scheme in his head. If he could just get them to admit their feelings for each other, the world would be a better place.

A few weeks prior to the day, Charlie had caught Neil drawing a heart around Todd’s name in the margins of a trig textbook. A few days before that, Todd had read an original poem out loud in their English class that was so clearly about Neil it was painful (“Richest coffee eyes / That paint the stage wonderful”).

Charlie didn’t dare bring up the subject with any of his other friends, but once alone with Neil after Chemistry, he began to work his magic.

“What’s bugging you?” he asked Neil, nudging him slightly as they walked down the hallway.

“What?” Neil returned, confused.

“You dropped your pencil during chem. I’ve never seen you do that. So that either means you were distracted by something, or you were falling asleep, which means you haven’t been sleeping well because you’re stressed out. Which is it?” Charlie prodded, looking at his friend as they continued down the hall, “Come onnnnn, Perry,” he goaded, elbowing Neil, who sighed in exasperation.

“It’s nothing, Charlie,” Neil groaned, adjusting his books in his arms and casting a nervous look at Charlie.

“Lie to anyone else, Neil. Anyone else but me. It’s just embarrassing at this point,” Charlie smirked, “And offensive.”

“It’s just… the play. It’s hard to memorize without help,” Neil sighed before turning to Charlie, “You could help? Do you want to help me, Charlie?” Neil said excitedly. Bingo, Charlie thought.

“I’d really love to, Neil, but I’ve got some Latin stuff with Meeks for the next few days,” Neil sighed, “I do, however, know someone who can help you,” Charlie finished, pleased with himself.

“Who is it?” Neil cocked an eyebrow.

“I don’t know if you know him, but I’ll just tell him to meet you somewhere tomorrow? What time?”

“How do I know this guy isn’t crazy?”

“Again, I’m hurt. You don’t trust me to put you into good hands?” Or Todd’s hands, Charlie thought, laughing to himself.

“Of course I trust you, Charlie, it’s just… I don’t know, I’m stressed out, and my father is all over me, I just need some help. If you know someone who can help, I’m more than willing to accept. I don’t mean anything bad by my reactions, I promise.”

“I know you, don’t, Neil,” Charlie clapped Neil on the back, “At the dock, tomorrow at 4. He’ll be there,” he looked at Neil, “Everything’s going to be okay. I promise,” Charlie smiled as they made their way onto the landing of the boys’ floor.

After parting ways with his friend, Charlie bursted the door to his own room open, startling Cameron, who was sitting at his desk studying.

“Jesus, Dalton, you scared me half to death,” Cameron clutched his chest.

“Sorry, darlin’,” Charlie smirked, jumping into bed (with his shoes still on). He turned onto his back and put his hands behind his head, crossing his outstretched legs.

“Can you look at this trig, see if it makes sense?” Cameron asked, holding his textbook up to Charlie.

“At any other time, any other day, and in any other circumstance, I totally would, but I have some things to plan. Sorry, Cameron,” Charlie shrugged, closing his eyes.

“Come on, Charlie. I rarely ask you for help, and the one time I do, you won’t do it?” Cameron groaned. He opened one eye at the redhead across the room.

“Trust me when I tell you, the thing I’m planning is a lot more important than trig,” Charlie shot Cameron a knowing look, then closed his eye again, beginning to visualize and scheme as his roommate huffed a sigh and turned back around to his desk.

The following day brought giddiness for Charlie; he’d gotten Neil committed to going down to the docks, now he just needed to get Todd alone. The only thing Charlie was still figuring out was how. Todd was the biggest introvert Charlie knew.

Charlie’s proclivity for picking up on the ins and outs of his best friend had led to having more insight into Todd as well. Todd Anderson was new to Welton this past fall. And he was Neil’s roommate, so by association Todd had slowly, but surely (and slightly excruciatingly) joined Neil and Charlie’s friend group. He mostly listened and watched, but always sat near (although not too near) Neil when they were hanging out.

Since they were kids, Neil had always been personable; every new thing he learned about a person, would be spun in a positive way, even if the trait was inherently “bad.” He and Charlie would spend hours talking about people, but not in the “let’s gossip” kind of way– they both found a lot of intrigue in the general population. Even as children they were constantly surveying their peers in a way normal children wouldn’t. When Neil had met Todd, it was no different; he would go on about his sandy-haired roommate for ten minutes straight without taking a breath. Why Todd had transferred schools, where his family is from, what kinds of activities he liked. Charlie found the answers to these questions interesting, but perhaps nothing was more intriguing to him than the fact that Todd had willingly shared all this information with Neil. From what Charlie had experienced, Todd was not a talker, and would rather sit in a painful silence for hours on end than open up to the friend group or start a conversation… but he was doing so with Neil. Granted, Neil asked a lot of questions, but Todd seemed comfortable enough around him to share. That was the first thing Charlie noticed between the two of them, and the catalyst that had sparked Charlie’s master plan of getting them together.

After breakfast, which entailed a small conversation about Playboy models, gross scrambled eggs, and of course, a silent Todd, Charlie hung back to catch the boy before he slipped away to the dorms before class.

“Hey, Anderson!” Charlie called, jogging after him. Todd looked as if he’d seen a ghost.

“H-hey Charlie, what’s up?”

“Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor?”

“Um, s-sure?”

“I’m meant to help out one of my friends with his poem later, but I have Latin tutoring with Meeks, and I figured since you’re so good at it, you could meet with my friend to help him out?”

“I… I don’t know, Charlie,” Todd knitted his eyebrows at the idea of meeting and talking to who he thought was a perfect stranger.

“It’d really mean a lot, Todd,” Charlie pulled his most innocent face and looked at the boy in front of him. Todd was quiet still, “Listen, if you really don’t want to, it’s no sweat. I just figured I’d ask you since you’re so good at writing,” Charlie smiled small, not wanting to push Todd that far.

“I… um, no I-I”ll do it. Where?”

“Ah, Todd you’re a lifesaver! It’s 4p.m. at the dock. You’re sure you want to?”

“Yeah, just… tell your friend I’ll be there,”

“I will, thank you!” Charlie called, backing away from Todd and turning away to head to class. I won’t be telling anyone a thing, Charlie grinned to himself, feeling pleased.

When the clock read 3:56, Neil began to get nervous. No one had shown up. Was Charlie pulling his leg? I’ll give them five more minutes, Neil thought, sitting criss cross on the dock and twiddling his shoelace between his fingers. His “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” script sat on his lap, frayed edges and all.

4:04, Neil sighed, looking at his watch. Just as he was calling it curtains for Charlie’s friend, Todd, flush-faced and sweaty, was making his way over to him. He was looking down at his shoes, careful not to stumble,

“H-hi, sorry I’m late, I got stuck in the dining hall behind–” he looked up to see a confused Neil. Neil’s disorientation spread to Todd’s features, “Neil?” he whipped his head around both ways to make sure someone else wasn’t coming.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Neil stood up from the dock, dusting off his pants and clutching his script apprehensively.

“I… um, I’m supposed to meet… Charlie’s friend… he needs help with–” Todd trailed off, looking at Neil quizzically– “Wait, w-what are you doing here?”

“I’m… supposed to meet Charlie’s friend… he’s supposed to help me rehearse lines…?” Neil’s voice upticked at the end of the sentence, confusion prevalent between the two of them.

“Wait, you’re supposed to meet Charlie’s friend, a-and I’m supposed to m-meet Charlie’s friend, too?” Todd shook his head, unbelieving. Neil’s face changed on a dime, a green light going off over his head.

He smiled slightly and huffed a laugh, “I think we’ve been made, Todd,”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I think we’re meeting… exactly who we’re supposed to be meeting,” Neil blushed, looking at Todd, whose cheeks were rosy from rushing over to the dock (and probably at the situation, too).

“We’re… you’re the friend that needs help with poetry?”

“Todd, I think Charlie meant to get us here alone…” Neil looked to Todd, fidgeting even more with his script.

“W-well why would h-he do that…?” Todd chewed his bottom lip. Neil shut his eyes, almost as if the next thing out of his mouth would cause endless pain. He breathed an unsure sigh,

“Because,” he swallowed thickly, looking at Todd, “Charlie knows I have the biggest crush on you, and this was his way of making me make a move,” Neil’s cheeks were a deep crimson.

“You have a-a crush o-on me?” Todd gestured to himself, bewildered. Neil grimaced and nodded, squeezing the script tighter than before, averting his eyes, “Oh…” Todd’s eyes widened slightly as he looked around them once again, “I… are you sure?” Neil sighed again and sat back down on the dock.

“Yep,” he looked at his hands, the script clutched tightly between them, “I’m sure,” he sounded tired all of sudden. Todd stayed frozen for a few seconds before he trudged over to Neil’s slumped body and sat down carefully beside him.

“I guess Charlie’s g-good at this thing, then,” he laughed incredibly lightly.

“What do you mean, why?” Neil cast a glance up at Todd before looking away again.

“I don’t know… b-because I like you, too,” Todd mumbled.

“What?” Neil looked at him again, not daring to turn away this time.

“I like you… t-too,” Todd’s volume stayed the same. Neil raised his eyebrows, his eyes searching Todd’s.

“Really? This isn’t some prank that Charlie is pulling? You’re being serious?” Neil interrogated, his hands still wrapped around his script. Todd just nodded, earning a huge grin from Neil. Silence fell over the pair and their newly learned information, but when Todd spoke, his conviction surprised even himself.

“So can I help you read lines?” Neil’s smile was vibrant.

“I think I’d love nothing more.”

Charlie watched from his dorm window, smiling as the two boys sat down to read lines. He climbed down off of the windowsill and dusted his hands off, another victory in the books.

[destielshippingnews]

Edvard's Supernatural Rewatch & Review: 1x05 Bloody Mary

In this review, I’ll be discussing suicide, survivor’s guilt, and bad dialogue.

1x05 Bloody Mary enjoys a rating of 8.4 on IMDB. It’s a strong, atmospheric episode embodying the horror-show vibe the show was intended to evoke. It was originally conceived as being episode two or three of the show, and would have made a better episode two than 1x02 Wendigo due to its themes of guilt and bereavement linking into Jess’s death and Sam’s role in it.

Mirrors are one of the defining symbols of this episode, something made painfully obvious by the incredible number of mirrors the family owns. They are both the means whereby Mary kills her victims and the means whereby characters reflect on themselves. Sam’s info-dumpage that ‛mirrors reflect our soul’ should make it explicit to viewers paying attention that Mary is a metaphor for guilt. This guilt, however, is not necessarily the guilt that comes of commission of a crime or a moral evil, but the feeling of guilt borne of not being able to save somebody, or survivor’s guilt. A person burdened by such guilt looking in the metaphorical mirror must face a metaphorical Bloody Mary waiting to pass judgement.

Quite rightly, this judgement is not just, as indeed feelings of guilt, self-blame and survivor’s guilt are unjust. A discussion of the subject on Supernatural Therapy podcast raised the topic of self-blame when in fact one is not to blame: blaming ourselves is an attempt to feel in control of something and to understand it a little better. The deaths which the ill-fated father and Charlie blame themselves for are incomprehensible.

I can say from my own experience that losing a friend or loved one to suicide is impossible to understand. Grandparents dying of age is natural, and older relatives dying of long-term illness is understandable, though unjust. But when our driving instinct is supposed to be to stay alive, a friend’s or family member’s commission of self-murder undermines completely our comprehension of the world and our reality. It’s traumatic, and the mind seeks to understand and cope with something it simply can’t handle.

Returning to Supernatural Therapy, our feelings of guilt are misplaced attempts to control and understand, but they are more negative than positive. Thus Bloody Mary is an apt villain to don the role of avenging spirit in this episode, as she attacks people who feel guilty, regardless of whether or not they truly are responsible for a death.

This episode ties itself into the Sam’s character particularly closely, as Sam feels himself to blame for Jessica’s death. At first, his guilt is depicted as completely natural: he watched his possibly-pregnant girlfriend burn to death on his ceiling and was utterly unable to help her. Anybody in that situation would be dealing with guilt on top of bereavement and trauma, so he is naturally somebody Bloody Mary would go after. However, the revelation that he had ‛dreams’ (read: premonitions) about Jess’s death for days before it happened add another layer to his guilt.

That layer, of course, being his actual guilt in taking no measures whatsoever to ensure Jess’s safety. Sam is not a blue-eyed baby in 1x01: he is a man with deep knowledge of the supernatural world and was reckless to ignore them. It is never made explicit – unless something has slipped my mind – whether Sam had any experience or knowledge of humans with psychic powers, but it is clear that he knows about the paranormal. Any Muggle would be disturbed by having exactly the same dream of a loved one dying night after night, but would likely pass it off as stress, anxiety or some such. Sam’s no Muggle, and knows better. Was having a ‛normal’ life so important to him that he dismissed and ignored warning signs that the abnormal was coming for his lady? Is Sam partially responsible for Jess’s death here?

Knowing what I know of the circumstances surrounding Jess’s death, he likely couldn’t have stopped it, even had he called Dean and John for help. But he should have called them, and chose not to. If he had done so, she might have been saved. This is death by negligence.

What makes it worse is that he is aware that keeping his visions a secret got Jess killed, but at the end of the episode acts as though he is perfectly justified in retaining his secrets from Dean. Dangerous secrets overtly related to their mother’s death and the demon responsible for killing her, information which would be very useful to Dean and John if shared, but a danger if kept quiet. He learnt that not divulging his secret is dangerous for people around him, and elected to continue not divulging said secret to Dean. Please, dear viewer, bear this in mind in series 7, 8, 9, 15 and every other time Sam gets pissy at Dean for keeping things secret from him.

He even knows in this episode that keeping his secrets almost got Dean killed by Bloody Mary, but ‛just because we’re brothers, doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything’. Sam is supposed to be the hero of this piece...

Yes, some people are genuinely like that, but that doesn’t mean I have to like them, and I sure as Hell don’t like Sam. In the first five episodes, Dean is established as a flawed, contradictory hero who actually brings something to the table. Sam’s an entitled, spoilt prick who treats his brother like a joke and an embarrassment.

Returning to the theme of suicide and guilt, one thing that is not addressed in the episode is the dad’s own relationship to the mother’s death. That she overdosed on sleeping tablets heavily implies suicide, but for about half of the run time the viewer is expected to believe the father was somehow involved in her death, i.e. that he killed her, especially as the second victim was guilty of a hit and run where a boy died. What is never addressed, however, is that his guilt and the reason Bloody Mary targeted him is that he blamed himself for not being able to prevent his wife’s suicide. Charlie is allowed the catharsis of expressing her grief to Dean and Sam, but the father is not afforded the same opportunity.

Apropos Charlie, her precise meaning when she said her ex-boyfriend got ‛scary’ is left occult. He clearly suffered serious mental health problems, something which a lot of people simply aren’t equipped to handle, especially when the one suffering is a close friend or partner. Young male victims of suicide also tend to have been very good at wearing a mask to hide: did he try taking the mask off for her, and she didn’t like what she saw? From what little information she gives us, the implication is that he threatened her with violence or that he used hard drugs or something, but the viewer is at no point privy to what she means by ‛scary’ or to the man’s side of things.

Whether or not the young man intended to frighten and manipulate Charlie by threatening her with his suicide is also unclear. ‛If you walk out that door, I’ll kill myself’ can mean different things depending on tone and context, ranging from a desperate plea for help against an overwhelming mental illness to abusive, sadistic mind games. Having lost more than one man to suicide, the idea that someone would use it as a weapon is inconceivable, but without further information I simply can’t say.

From what little information we have, the man’s suicide was not Charlie’s fault. If we assume he was threatening her to keep her with him, she was right to run. Nobody should be mistreated or burdened like that, and no relationship should be built on a foundation of such abuse. She is important, too. Even if it weren’t a threat, the situation was intensely unhealthy for everybody involved and she was very justified in distancing herself. It wasn’t her fault, and I just wish Dean had told her that in the motel room, rather than simply talking about it to Sam in the car afterwards.

Speaking of said conversation in the car, Dean’s heart was in the right place as he tried to get Sam to stop blaming himself, but he perhaps revealed his own lack of coping tools whilst doing so. Dean is intelligent and empathetic, and far more caring than people give him credit for, but he was raised in an environment where he was not allowed to talk about his fears and anxieties. Nor was he provided any tools whatsoever to facilitate understanding and processing his traumas and illnesses; John wanted him as an emotionally-dead weapon to use in his war against Mary’s killer.

Dean feels, but with no healthy tools nor anybody to acknowledge and help in processing his issues, he bottles things up and pushes them aside as best he can. Of course, the best he can is not all that best, wherefore the drinks and the sex and the gallows humour. This is John’s echo in Dean: John silenced him, and Dean therefore is not best equipped to process his own trauma at the beginning of series 1, much less counsel somebody else (though this changes as the years go by and he learns how to act without John stymieing him).

He meant well in telling Sam he can’t carry on blaming himself for Jess’s death, but the problem is Sam can’t stop blaming himself. Nobody in Sam’s situation can stop themselves feeling what s/he’s feeling, and has to simply feel it. I knew my friend’s suicide wasn’t my fault, but grief, bereavement, and survivor’s guilt are not rational and can’t be controlled by the cognitive mind. The feeling mind is the one in control, all the cognitive mind can do is make suggestions and hope for the best.

Regarding grief and Sam’s situation, Sam’s nightmare and his conversation with Dean at the beginning of the episode are about as explicit as Sam’s grief for Jess gets int eh show, and it’s not much at all. They were together for maybe two years, she was possibly pregnant with his child and died on the ceiling above him, but he doesn’t do any actual mourning or grieving most of the time. That itself is okay as some peolel take years before they’re ready to process grief and bereavement, but Sam behaves like a slightly disgruntled, moody teenager which we’re supposed to interpret as him grieving Jess’s death, but we see next to no actual grief, trauma or expression of loss.

His discussion with Dean is supposed to give us the idea that this is a recurrent event, but it is very, very far from sufficient to genuinely make us believe that Sam is anything other than a little bit sad for Jess.

We have, however, already established that Sam is partially responsible for Jess’s death, but Dean doesn’t know that. In spite of it not being the most productive thing Dean could have said, it was valid. Grieving is natural and uncontrollable, but how we react to it is at least partially within the jurisdiction of the cognitive mind. We can’t resist grief, as even denying it acknowledges its presence, but rather we have to accept it as a natural part of life to be endured and felt, but not be controlled by it.

Similarly, Mary is herself a victim of trauma, having been murdered by her lover. Understandably, her mentis is significantly non compos after the experience, and killing people she deems to be guilty is perhaps her way of trying to process what happened to her. Referring once again to Supernatural Therapy podcast, Jovanna Burke (who played Mary in this episode) states she believed Mary saw herself as a vigilante trying to get restitution for people wronged by killing their murderers, but her world-view became so skewed and she lost all concept of a grey area. For her, things were black or white: guilty or not guilty. Dean as good as says that there is only guilty or not guilty for Mary: if somebody thinks their actions or lack thereof got somebody killed, that person’s guilty. Sam, after all, didn’t kill Jess, Charlie didn’t kill her ex-boyfriend and I don’t believe the father had a part in the mother’s death.

I would add to this that such thinking sounds like a trauma victim’s survival mechanism. If things are easily understood as either / or, good / bad, safe / dangerous, the risk of danger is theoretically reduced. Think wild animals assuming humans are going to kill them: it’s safest to assume and run away.

This has been quite the lengthy discourse on mirrors, but it’s time to switch from the metaphorical and symbolical to the more practical, that being the exact nature of how the magic works. Mary was bound to the mirror she died in front of, but as long as that mirror remained intact, she was free to wonder the mirror world when summoned. In the climax of the episode, Dean and Sam summon her to her mirror in the antique shop, smash it, then face her manifest form in the real world. Dean defeats her by showing her her own reflection in another mirror, whereupon her own reflection deems her guilty of multiple homicides and kills her.

Hawk-eyed readers will have noticed already, but if Mary’s power was bound to her mirror, how then could her own reflection have killed her when the mirror binding her was smashed? Was the source of her power in her, then, rather than the mirror? If so, then how would her seeing her own reflection killed her? A ghost in Supernatural doesn’t have the power to destroy itself like that: it simply can’t. A ghost has refused the Reaper’s invitation to pass on, and can’t therefore pass on, yet Mary does. I can’t make this make sense.

One more thing about that scene is that Dean’s eyes began bleeding, implying he is also hiding a secret where somebody died. Fans made a big number out of this at the time, and Kripke promised us we would find out in due course… but we never did. This is the first instance of one of Dean’s storylines getting dropped by the show, and it’s far from being the last one.

Kripke didn't like Dean. Dean was supposed to be the dumb, womanising popular guy who always gets the women but 'treats them badly' in comparison to Sam's sensitive nice guy act. Sam was Kripke's insert, and Dean was just a character the audience wasn't supposed to like either, so he didn't bother giving Dean his own storylines. Even series 3 is more about Sam's anger and 'grief' than it is Dean's.

Now that the main points are out of the way, there are more minor points in the episode to comment on. One is the lovely cinematography, especially during the cold open / prologue. I began this review by stating that mirrors are important in this episode, and the camerawork in the beginning really drive that home. Moreover, seeing Mary reflected in so many mirrors – and indeed seeing so many reflections – blurs the line between the real world and the mirror world.

The children’s sleepover is also pleasantly lit, with very dark shadows and lots of candlelight evoking the feel of a ghost story. The shot in the library with the rays of light shining on the boys also looked wonderful, and the visual storytelling in the antique shop at the end was impressive. Said visual storytelling refers to the close up shot of a blinking red light, followed shortly after by the headlights of the police cars drifting across the wall. This is intelligent storytelling that expects the viewer to be paying attention, and it’s definitely appreciated.

In spite of my apathy for Jess as a character, the final shot of Sam seeing her on the pavement was fantastic cinematography: as with the flashing lights, it told us a story without needing to tell us anything. Sam saw her, and then she disappeared. Coming at the end of an episode about Sam’s guilt, and roughly a minute after his advice to Charlie about not blaming herself, this strongly suggests something has changed in Sam: the guilt that he was holding on to has begun to ease, or even vanish. It is, however, just a suggestion, and Sam giving Charlie a therapy session he sorely needs doesn’t mean he’s going to follow his own advice.

I wish, however, that more had been revealed about the kind of pills the father was taking in the cold open.

Speaking of the library – which we weren’t –do you remember when Wi-Fi didn’t exist? I remember. Currently I’m sitting about two metres away from my computer which is tethered to my mobile phone, typing on a wireless keyboard, using a wireless mouse in a room with no working ethernet cable or modem, listening to sounds of an oil rig on Bluetooth headphones, but in 2005 none of that was possible. There’s almost as much time between now and then as there was between my birth and ABBA winning Eurovision in Brighton in 1974.

Which is a nice segue into the soundtrack of the episode. The music in the opening is effective, being both reminiscent of the prologue of 1x01 with its minimalistic, slow piano track building tension and unease, but with an underlying hollow, howling wind sound that I can only liken to the dementors in Harry Potter.

Less impressive, however, was Mary’s dialogue, showing a complete lack of effort put into it. ‛You killed them, you’re guilty’, ‛you did it, you killed that boy’.

I rewatched this episode for the first time in 12 years in December 2020, by myself in a silent flat very late at night. I was 29, and this episode still creeped me out, making me hesitant to look at the window in case my reflection moved. Whilst it’s not my favourite episode, it’s certainly a solid effort with a memorable – if dated – antagonist in a self-contained MOTW story. Like the pilot, it showcased Kripke’s initial conception of the show as being about American folklore (although Bloody Mary is very much a British thing, too), and boasts a very atmospheric miniature horror show. It also offers character development and growth, even thought Sam’s claim that he would die for Dean is laughable in retrospect.

After once more exploring folk tales in 1x05, in next week's analysis of episode 1x06 Skin I'll be looking at how the show expands its daemonology by introducing a series staple.

[lances-wormhole]

More Than Any Title, I Love You (Fraxus One-Shot)

Read on Ao3 here

Please leave a kudos on there if you have the time : ) But I’d also really appreciate a like and reblog on here!

(Not Beta-Read)

***

Freed ignored the mud that splattered against his boots as he paced back and forth in the heavy rain. He was alone. Or rather, he kept telling himself he was alone just so he could save his heart from the unpleasant feeling of someone else hiding and watching him when he wasn’t aware.

Now, everyone gets the gist. This job was “different from typical jobs”. Every member of the guild has probably heard those words a billion times before… so many times. But this time it is painfully true.

Laxus Dreyar asked Freed to go with him alone, so he went along with a severe lack of questioning… And now here he is, standing in the mud, soaking wet, with only one question now on his mind:

Where is Laxus?

Freed didn’t fear many things outside the typical “I hope my friends are alright” mentality that seemed to be strikingly popular amongst the wizards of Fairy Tail. And you could say that maybe, just maybe that sense of protectiveness peaked around the Raijinshu… and, according to Bickslow, it especially showed when Laxus was involved. Freed couldn’t quite help that. The large lighting mage had a knack for getting himself into tricky situations. He found that he had no choice but to always be by Laxus’s side to get him out of it… Not like he minded being near him anyway.

Grunting, Freed pushed his sopping wet bangs out of his face, squinting across the field in lookout for the missing wizard.

“Laxus!” He called uselessly, shivering slightly. “Laxus! You’re out there somewhere, I know it!”

No reply.

Freed frowned, rubbing his hands against his arms as he slowly spun in a circle. He could feel his heartbeat steadily picking up his pace because of all the what ifs floating around in his brain.

“The storm is picking up!” He continued, one hand drifting down toward his sword. “We should call it a day and head back towards the hotel! Laxus!”

Again, no reply.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Freed unsheathed his sword and pointed it down to the ground. Trying to think around his panic, he attempted to cast some sort of rune that might be able to help him get in contact with his team mate. But before he could complete it, a loud crack of lightning flashed off somewhere towards his right, into the woods.

“Laxus?” Freed gulped, pushing back his wet bangs again as his gaze darted around the area. Without a second thought, he found his feet already running off towards where the lightning had striked, ignoring the buzz of electricity and static in the air.

Breathing heavily, Freed could tell he was starting to lose any sense of composure he may have left. But the mere thought of just finding Laxus, not completing their job, and going back to their hotel rooms where it is safe was just oh so compelling… he couldn’t even think of anything else.

Coming to a stop where the lighting striked, Freed could feel the static in the air causing the loose strands of his hair to rise to the sky. It was a familiar feeling. Whenever Laxus got too worked up, he would emit electricity ever so slightly into the air around him. And Freed, often being at his side, had slowly grown accustomed to it.

“Laxus…” Freed called, stalking into the woods cautiously, “Please.”

The Rune Mage could feel his throat start to squeeze, every ounce of emotion starting to bud at his eyes.

“I don’t…” He clenched his hand tightly against his sword, “I don’t know what you were thinking. Just bringing you and myself out on this quest. You can really be a big idiot sometimes.”

He expected to hear Laxus’s all too familiar disgruntled grunt, but all that could be heard was the continuous patter of rain against the leaves.

“I know you enjoy taking charge. I know you think you're strong enough to do these jobs on your own…” Freed spoke, an unwanted hiccup escaping his lips. This wasn’t like him at all. “But please. I can’t take it when you get hurt more than you’ve been. I’ve seen you suffer and I don’t want to see it anymore.”

He couldn’t help the tears that began to roll down his cheeks. If anyone else were here he would excuse it as rain.

“I could never live with myself if you were to be suffering more without me around to be with you.” He sobbed, body shivering from the overflow of emotion and the freezing rain. “Laxus—”

Another loud crash of lightning boomed from nearby, so close that Freed had to take cover, shielding his head with his arms.

Breathing heavily, Freed anxiously surveyed the area before running off where the lighting had struck.

“Laxus!” He shouted, nearing a mass of rock and rubble. “Are you—”

A low mumble from the wreckage interrupted his question. Overwhelmed, it took Freed a second to process before finally spotting a torn piece of Laxus’s jacket wedged in between a few rocks.

“Hold on.” Freed said seriously now, wiping away his tears as he neared the rocks, but before he could get further, a wall of runes blocked his path, surrounding the entirety of the scene. “Ah…”

Composing himself, Freed quickly dispelled the runes, keeping a mental note of the style and formation of the spell for later aid in the job, and hurried over to where Laxus was buried.

“Can you hear me?” He asked, already tugging the large rocks off and throwing them behind him with little care or attention. “Are you hurt? What happened? Why aren't you speaking?”

“Give me a second to explain myself and I will.” Laxus finally said, weakly pushing the final boulder away from himself.

Freed looked down at the lighting mage with a glare, whilst simultaneously looking over his body for any injuries. Fortunately nothing too serious, but he couldn’t miss the obvious signs of magic drainage. “Go on.” He urged impatiently.

Laxus watched him for a moment, noting the redness in the whites of his teammate’s eyes… however he chose to ignore that for now in the matter of current circumstances. “Firstly… I'm sorry for leaving you behind. It must be an undying habit of mine to go off and do things on my own.”

Freed clenched his jaw but stayed silent so Laxus could continue.

“I chased after what I thought was one of our targets. I remembered hearing something about a rune mage, that's initially why I thought to bring you along I guess. But I guess it didn’t cross my mind that he was a trickster like you and probably set a trap.” Laxus sighed, patting a rock that sat beside him. “The runes were slowly draining my magic energy. On top of that, a stupid second thief trapped me down here the minute I let loose that first lighting strike. He must’ve caught on that I was trying to lure someone over… that being you.”

“An idiot you are for using such large blasts.” Freed scolded, his hand subconsciously moving to cup Laxus’s cheek, letting his thumbs brush over the dark circles beneath his eyes. “I would have known it was you with the smallest sliver of lighting.”

“You would,” Laxus agreed, watching Freed with amusement. “I’m as much an idiot as you are reliable it seems.”

***

Getting back to the hotel, Freed forced Laxus to promise that they’ll postpone their raid on their targets until he had properly regained his lost stamina. Although the job requester didn’t seem too happy with the news, all it took was for Freed to give a dark, haunting glare, and they were well on their way.

After compelling Laxus into taking a bath, Freed immediately got to work cleaning and patching up the lighting mage’s wounds.

“Back in the forest,” he started, spreading ointment generously onto Laxus’s collar bone, “You said you thought of me initially. That makes me assume the reason changed.”

He was greeted by silence at the theory.

Looking up and away from the wound, he noticed that Laxus was looking away towards the window with an odd expression on his face. “Laxus? Is there another reason you brought me, and left without Ever or Bickslow?”

Freed watched as Laxus’s facial expressions flowed between different emotions before landing on one that could only be described as a calm dedication.

“Since the war ended, I’ve found myself talking to the old man more. Both of our run-ins with near deaths helped us mend whatever crack in our bond we still had.” Laxus closed his eyes for a second, thinking over his words. “He started to talk about seriously stepping down… wasting no mercy in saying that he was deciding between Erza, Mirajane, and… me.”

Freed’s eyes widened at the reveal, forgetting about the wound he was treating. “That’s… wow… But that doesn’t explain why you brought me.”

Laxus shook his head weakly against his pillow before continuing with his story, ignoring Free’s statement for the time being. “I thought he was crazy to think of me. After everything I’ve done. My selfishness in the past... But he didn’t give me a chance to argue. And he left to go think about his decision.”

He paused for a moment, nibbling at his lower lip.

“Since then I started thinking over and over about what the future had in store for me. If I were the guild master, I couldn’t imagine what I would do. All those past thoughts of ruling and taking control… it's all so… undesirable to me now. But I know that if he picked me, I would never say no to him. So I just had to figure out how I felt. I knew that once I became guild master I wouldn’t be able to go out on these missions with you or the Raijinshu as much as I like to. Maybe not ever since our guild is rather… crazy.” He chuckled, looking up at Freed now who was watching him with such pride and adoration. “Evergreen urged me to take this job with you… alone. Originally it was going to be the four of us as usual but she turned it down and promised that you alone would give me the answer.”

Freed couldn’t help the blush rising to his cheeks at the sentiment. “Answer?”

“I needed a reason to decline his offer. Straight up. Before he could even say anything to anyone. I… I planned on this job going much easier. I lost sight of my purpose here in the first place really.” Laxus huffed out a laugh, his eyes never leaving his partner’s. “But the way you found me, dispelled those runes, patched me up and ordered me to take care of myself. The way you look at me, Freed, I am so fucking helpless.”

Freed gripped onto the bed sheets, lower lip quivering despite his efforts to remain stoic.

“Even though I have a habit for getting myself into this idiotic situations ending in me usually getting hurt, I would still miss it so much if I can’t just be out here doing jobs with you. I know as a guild master I’ll always be able to see you but I’d never see you in action when I want to.” Laxus spoke softly, moving his hand to rest on top of Freed’s shaky ones. “I don’t want to lose any time I have to watch you conquer the way you do. I’m afraid that I love that too much to lose to paperwork and meetings.”

Laxus watched as Freed started to move closer, and in turn he slowly started to rise from his pillow to match the other’s movements.”

“I love you more than any responsibility and title I ever thought I wanted. I love you.” He spoke quickly before colliding with Freed, cradling his jaw in his hands as he pressed a fiery, yearning kiss against the other’s lips.

“I love you too,” Freed whispered, smiling against the other’s lips as he leaned over him from his forgotten seat beside the bed. “I love you so much.”

[seasaltmemories]

I posted 3,742 times in 2021

107 posts created (3%)

3635 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 34.0 posts.

I added 898 tags in 2021

#fruits basket - 259 posts

#revolutionary girl utena - 94 posts

#seasalt talks - 83 posts

#arc v - 79 posts

#princess tutu - 77 posts

#kingdom hearts - 71 posts

#tohru honda - 67 posts

#fe three houses - 60 posts

#yuki sohma - 60 posts

#ahiru - 48 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#like rather than be something painfully obvious if circumstances were different i want it to be terribly hard where it sometimes makes sense

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

So the only logical thing to do after binging about 500 chapters is to make memes, right?

29 notes • Posted 2021-10-22 20:52:45 GMT

#4

Rescue Breathing

Juri wasn’t around when her sister almost drowned.  The boy, the man, and everything in between was recalled to her after the matter.  

Even Misaki’s fractured ribs seemed intangible and abstract.  The only visual evidence it existed at all was the cold press she kept held to her sternum.  And so as Juri grew up, she treated the event more like a fable or fairytale, something strictly told to keep children in line.

It wasn’t until the locket broke that she found her mind wandering back to the memory.

“Sometimes, you have to hurt a person to save them,” Her mother had told her when explaining Misaki’s injuries.  The CPR had kept her blood pumping until the ambulance got there.  Spending a few weeks resting was better than dying.

Still Juri couldn’t help but wonder how much the pain might have weighed on Misaki, how much sleep she might have lost as her chest ached and ached like something vital had been stolen from it.

Juri couldn’t see herself recovering so quickly.  She tried to imagine what a month, a year, or even a decade might bring, and each time she found herself faced with the same suffocating loneliness she has feared since she stopped tried to imagine boys she might tolerate dating.

The only thing that held Juri back from getting the locket fixed was the dream that came to her one night.  In it, she was in her sister’s place, drowning and flaying around for any sort of escape.  This time, Shiori was the one who jumped in, and despite her fragile frame, she managed to pull Juri onto the bank.  Like a prince from a story, she leaned down and kissed Juri with all the magic of a miracle.

Yet for all the breath Shiori pushed through Juri’s lungs, she couldn’t revive their old feelings for one another.

29 notes • Posted 2021-05-09 22:27:22 GMT

#3

To this day I think it is such a clever trick to have Xion’s appearance shift depending on who was looking at her

30 notes • Posted 2021-08-21 18:29:51 GMT

#2

This is technically a continuation of my Arctic Monkeys plus RGU series lol, except the twist this time is that I added some PMMM footage as well, I've always enjoyed this song so this time I kept things light and loose for our fave purple/pink girlfriends

31 notes • Posted 2021-06-24 23:25:34 GMT

#1

Trypanophobia

Rating: PG

Summary: In which Anthy threads together her fears and her desires

~

If there’s one thing Anthy didn’t expect about the outside world, it was the amount of paperwork required to do anything.  Ohtori had been a land powered by desires and secrets.  While Akio had typed at his computer a few hours each day, it was always the pointed look or sly remark that truly set things into motion.

However, it seemed here the most equivalent force was bureaucracy.  Every time she wanted to do something or go somewhere, it seemed like their was a new form gating off the rest of her path.

“Oh, immunization records!”  Utena leaned over Anthy’s shoulder. “I forgot if we’re traveling overseas, they’ll want that.”

On instinct, magic buzzed at Anthy’s fingers tips. Although it was much more difficult to cast outside of Ohtori, she had managed to pull it off under select circumstances.  A birth certificate there, an id here, flashes of proof she existed.  However before she could try and weave any spells, Utena grasped her hand.

“Leave this to me.  In the long run, it will be easier if we do it the normal way.”

Reluctantly, Anthy handed the laptop to Utena.  “If you say so.”

Three days later, Utena led Anthy to a small clinic about fifteen minutes away from their apartment.  In short time, they were led into an examination room, where a middle-aged nurse attended to them.  

“You’re here for your Hepatitis A and B vaccine?”

“Mmhm!” Utena hummed.  She might have said more, but Anthy quickly lost interest in the conversation.  Instead her attention was drawn to the needles laid out on a nearby tray.

She didn’t know how long she stared at the it.  The only noticeable passage of time was the whoosh of air that followed Utena returning to her seat beside Anthy.

“Your turn.”  The nurse pointed at Anthy.

The Rose Bride rose and followed without complaint.

“Do you want one in each arm, each leg, or a mix of the two?”  The nurse asked as Anthy settled in front of her.

“Whatever you think best,”  She answered blankly.  Her gaze was still focused on the tray.

The nurse grumbled something to herself but otherwise went to work.  Carefully she balanced the shot in one hand while gripping Anthy’s left arm with the other.

“You need to relax.  It’s difficult to find a vein if you’re all tensed up.”

“I’m doing my best,”  Anthy responded with clipped politeness.

“I just don’t want to poke you more times than necessary.”

“Well, there’s no avoiding that, is there?”  Her voice grew steely.  Somewhere faraway, Anthy agreed with the Rose Bride that this was the right tone to take.  She had tasted this same fear many times before. “There’s no other option.”  Blades swam before her eyes.  There was no use running.  Trembling saved no one.  The best you could to do was lie back and accept your fate.

“Give me a moment with her.”  Warm hands encircled her own, and suddenly Utena was dragging her outside into the hallway.  Once the two of them were alone, blue eyes set upon her.  “Are you alright?”

Considering there were still in public, her first instinct was to perform, to lie and keep everything smooth and functioning.  But memories of a dark balcony came back to her.  Ever since that night, she had promised herself she wouldn’t like to Utena.

“No,”  Anthy breathed for the first time since she saw the needles.  “But there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Well I should of!”  Utena groaned.  “I should have known you’d have bad memories of this.”

“Should have’s don’t fix anything either,”  Anthy said with venom this time.  “We all have our limits.  The only thing we can do is try our best to navigate around them.”

“So let’s do that.”  Utena put a hand on her hip.  “If its really too much, then we don’t have to go to Paris.”

Anthy blinked, remembering all the documentation she had done up until now.  Somewhere in the hustle and bustle she had forgotten their initial plan.

See the full post

35 notes • Posted 2021-07-30 21:42:18 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[saiki-in-jsl]

No Powers Saiki AU (3k)

Where he also has anxiety and selective mutism. (But also, nobody has powers. And that volcano issue never happens because I SAID SO.)

Uhm uhhhh, in no way am I a doctor, so this may not be very accurate. Sorry!!

TW: Panic attack, I don’t think this one needs a skip so I’ll just leave it as that (but if you need one, tell me :eyes:)

Also on my ao3!

Also well shit, I do like myself some good Kusuo and Akechi friendship :,)

Also also, ugggghhhhhh, the italics stuff don’t go through when I copy and paste from my docs rip. This is why I prefer ao3 more (and because their tagging system is HEAVENLY) so if you wanna read with all them proper italics I suggest switching to my ao3

ALSO ALSO ALSO, RIGHT WHEN I FINISHED THIS, I DISCOVERED ASL AND JSL ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SO D A R N H E C K I’M SORRY. I did a big oopsie,,,let’s,,,pretend that asl,,,is,,default,,?

Saiki Kusuo was not your typical boy.

Since he was young, it had been painfully obvious that he was a gifted child, surpassing his brother by intelligence and strength. This had drawn many curious scientists to him, and after several tests that went on for hours and hours, he finally broke. He stopped talking and he stopped wanting to be around people.

His mother, equally as tired of the scientists as her son was, decided to hide his identity away from the public, constantly moving from location to location to avoid the people who knew of her son’s abilities.

This barely helped with Kusuo’s social development as a child, so the more he moved, the more he decided that he would much rather live in an isolated world than a world filled with people with prying eyes and loud mouths.

He did make a friend once though, but it barely lasted due to unforeseen circumstances that involved a few beat up bullies, and it had surprisingly hurt when he had to move away again. Akechi was his first real friend, and realizing that he won’t be seeing him again felt weird.

As much as he loved being alone, a friend would’ve been nice.

So the night before they moved away, he had pushed open his parents’ door, gripping his pajama top tightly, and whispered really really softly to his mother, “Mama. Will I ever make a friend?”

It was the first time he had spoken in a very long time, in fact, his mother couldn’t remember the last time he had spoken to her without pointing and hand gestures. So predictably, she cried and hugged him tight, mumbling how sorry she was for ruining his chance at making a friend, too caught up with trying to avoid those nosey scientists.

Middle school went by like a blur, aside from the occasional school switch that still happened, yet not as often as elementary. He didn’t remember a single thing that happened during those school days, maybe a few anxiety attacks in the bathroom and a sad attempt at trying to socialize, but that was it. Maybe it really was easier to be alone, at least he wouldn’t have to worry about losing his breathing from the sheer amount of stress he got from the assembly hall.

Highschool came and Kusuo had a new plan: Accept that having friends are not necessary and speaking with your mouth is dumb. 

He quickly learnt how to use ASL, much preferring that language over vocally speaking, and made sure his grades were as average as possible. He had excelled through middle school and elementary school like it was nothing, but it had led him to be placed on stage many times because of this. So no more of that, because that was a recipe for disaster to him.

Kusuo made sure everything was in perfect place before heading to school. He made sure the school knew about his condition, and he also made sure to let them know he didn’t want to be publicly known as the school’s “mute kid”, so he’d definitely blend in without an issue.

Kusuo couldn’t believe what was happening. He hadn’t even fully registered his first year of highschool properly and his second year was already here. 

To start off, he had friends, something he did not expect to have. He could predict many things, the weather, what people were thinking, and if he tried hard enough, he could even predict who would walk by his classroom in the next second. But he did not see this one coming.

He didn’t even know how. Nendou was a dunce who went from copying his homework to hanging around and inviting him out for ramen and Kaidou was a chuunibyou who thought Kusuo’s hand gestures was some sort of secret language and ended up perceiving Kusuo as some ally to Jet Black Wings.

Yumehara, for no reason other than the fact that Kusuo looked cute, decided she was meant to be with him. A lot of effort was taken to avoid her, but just as she lost interest in him, the class- no, the world’s idol decided she’d have a crush on him too. Then there was the class representative, Hairo, who constantly screamed and moved and how does he not get tired? 

Then there was Kuboyasu, Toritsuka, Aiura, and so many people it made his head spin.

But they all had one thing in common when they communicated with him, and that was the fact that they all thought he was deaf. Granted, people who use ASL were commonly deaf, so he wasn’t blaming them for assuming so, and it did help him a little since this made them talk less around him and gave him a good excuse for ignoring them half the time.

Two years he spent in this highschool, and not once had he fired rapid ASL before. He never got the chance to, and he didn’t have much care for doing so. Mostly because most of the people around him didn’t even understand sign language.

But sometimes, listening to Toritsuka talk on and on about some cute girl could really put you on edge. Especially when he kept egging Kusuo on about the type of girls he liked.

The thing was, Kusuo didn’t like romance. He liked observing it and the idea of it, but he would never want to be a part of it. Frankly enough, he didn’t find any joy in it, he much preferred a life of solitude.

“C’mon, I know you can understand me, Saiki,” Toritsuka poked, grinning widely. “What kind of girls are you into? Or perhaps are into boys? Seriously, tell me, maybe we can go on a double date sometime. What about Teruhashi--“

Kusuo scowled, taking a step back and suddenly flying into fast ASL that roughly translated to several insults and long explanations as to why Kusuo wasn’t going to tell him. Toritsuka only blinked in surprise, because he swore he just saw the middle finger between those fast hand gestures, and he took a step back, raising his hands in defeat.

“Relax! Alright!” Toritsuka said, dropping the subject for good. “Next time fling me a note or something, that is seriously intimidating!”

Kusuo winced, feeling the third piece of paper Kaidou had just flung at him hit his head. This had been going on for the whole period, and Kusuo wondered why the teacher hadn’t noticed it yet. Most of the notes Kaidou sent weren’t serious anyways, and clearly not worth writing back to him.

He barely understood the references the boy was making anyways. 

“How about we hang out after school? Do you like cake?” The last note read.

Kusuo smiled softly. “Yes, I do like cake.” He wrote, and with ease, he strategically threw it back so it would land perfectly on Kaidou’s table.

Being around Teruhashi was not ideal at all, because wherever she went, many people would follow. Kusuo hated crowds more than anything, it made his throat close up and his face a little sweaty, though his facial expression would never express his discomfort.

It would always remain blank and devoid of emotions.

Which always peaked Teruhashi’s interest. She found it a challenge to make the “deaf” kid who barely spoke gasp at her beauty, it would be a mighty achievement, yet no matter how hard she tried, it just never worked, which only pushed her to try harder. It resulted in her falling in love with him, unfortunately.

“Saiki does have a cute face though,” Teruhashi mumbled under her breath right as she walked along with Kusuo. She assumed he couldn’t hear her, so she regularly said things like those quietly to herself whenever he wasn’t looking her way. He appreciated the compliment at times, but sometimes, they do get a little creepy.

Nendou probably didn’t understand the idea of deaf people, or perhaps he thought his idea was pretty smart. Either ways, Kusuo sometimes couldn’t understand why he had to shout at him to communicate.

Did Nendou think deaf people just had very very poor hearing? Probably. But it often got annoying when they were in public places, and Kusuo couldn’t even tell him to quiet down because he couldn’t tell when exactly he was actually shouting.

Both his shouting and talking volume were around the same range.

But, it was rather nice of him to go out of his way to learn a bit of sign language just so he wouldn’t have to shout at Kusuo anymore. It was actually pretty nice having an ASL buddy.

Note to self, do not use ASL around Kuboyasu too much. He will and can mistake them as gang signs and get either sappy or angry. Kusuo said in his head as he watched Kuboyasu stare off into the distance with his fists clenched, reminiscing about his gang days.

Several times Kusuo had mistaken Hairo’s sad attempt at ASL as actual words and once spent half an hour straight wondering why the boy had signed refrigerator geese to him during that dodgeball game.

Saiko had once walked up to him and declared that whatever “nonsense” Kusuo was going to sign, he’d know right away what they would mean. At first, Kusuo found it hard to believe that the rich boy had taken time to learn ASL within his one day of being in this school, but as it turned out, all Saiko did was hire a translator to follow him around to translate Kusuo’s words.

That was possibly the most amount of effort he’d ever seen from Saiko, and it was good enough.

Kusuo wondered if learning ASL had magically made him more attractive. Aiura would not leave him alone, with her blonde hair, tanned skin, overly accessorized things, and bubbly personality. She wasn’t like Teruhashi, who attracted more men than Kusuo could count on his fingers, so she wasn’t as annoying to be around with.

But then again, she was more forward than Teruhashi too, so it didn’t make her more appealing either.

Seeing Akechi again resurfaced too many feelings. He hadn’t really realized how much he missed his first friend, but then again, the same boy was probably very aware of Kusuo’s high intelligence and may accidentally reveal his secret with that blabbering mouth of his.

Though, Kusuo had to admit, Akechi hadn’t changed one bit since the last time he saw him. Besides the haircut of course, and some other details, like how good he was at deducting now.

Being around Akechi was always strangely comforting back then, there was just something about listening to him talk that made Kusuo feel comfortable. You could say his talking was like white noise to Kusuo.

“Why does everyone assume you’re deaf? You’re not deaf, you just don’t like talking a lot, right? Why don’t you tell them that? Is it because you find it easier to pretend to be deaf? I can understand that, you were always really quiet, which was nice because you were a great listener too. I never found out why you up and left our elementary school without saying goodbye, but you were crazy sma--” Okay, that was when Kusuo made him stop talking, and Akechi took this as a hint to keep it a secret. There was a pause before Kusuo finally signed something to him.

Sorry. 

“Nothing to apologize! I don’t think it was your fault anyways, but your plan worked like a charm honestly,” Akechi smiled. “I hope you missed me, because I know I missed you. We have a lot of catching up to do, I’ll start! So basically…”

Kusuo did. He really did miss him.

A play. Their class was doing a play.

After all that effort of trying to stay off the stage, he still couldn’t avoid it.

He’d feel bad if he didn’t show up to contribute, so he definitely couldn’t just ditch them. The most he could do was play a background role, but even then he’d still be painfully aware that he would be in front of the whole school, and he just couldn’t handle that.

But seeing everyone giving their all to make this play work, Kusuo couldn’t help but join along, regardless of his own condition.

Practice for the play went smoothly, and he found himself being able to cope with it. All he did was sway around like seaweed, since that was his role, and then walk off when his scene ends. Easy, nothing too complicated, he would be fine.

Until Saiko got his sensitive feelings hurt and decided to pull their budget on literally everything, including the costumes. Now, Kusuo couldn’t care less about that issue if it weren’t for the fact that; if the other cast didn’t have their costumes, they wouldn’t stand out as much, and there’d be a higher chance of the audience staring at him.

Yet there wasn’t much time to do last minute preparations for props and clothing, so everyone was encouraged to try their best in making their own costumes before the deadline. Kusuo predicted that no one would actually follow through, and for once, he wished he was wrong.

Apparently he didn’t wish hard enough, because that was exactly what had happened during the play. Everyone mostly came in their gym clothes, some with small props to make it look like they’ve tried, and some who just didn’t do anything at all.

When Kusuo’s scene finally came up, he and the rest of the people who played as seaweed scrambled onto stage, making waving motions with their arms to simulate seaweed underwater. Things went well for the most part, Kusuo did as practiced and waved around just like his other seaweed playing classmates, but the longer he stayed, the more aware he became.

Eyes, everywhere, in front of him, staring too hard, too long. Their mouths are moving, but he can’t hear what they’re saying, it was like they were on the other end of a glass wall. Were they talking about him among themselves? 

Had it always been this warm on stage? Was it normal for his hands to shake? Was he breathing? He didn’t remember exhaling, nor inhaling. His throat went dry, his whole body rigid from...fear?

Someone was pushing him, someone else was pulling him, but he can’t properly grasp what was happening. 

The world went a bit blurry before he completely went dark.

Kusuo woke up in the nurse’s office, body aching and throat dry. He wondered how long it took for him to wake up, but depending on the sun outside, it may have been an hour or so. He sat up slowly, groaning slightly from the pain, before suddenly being attacked by a hug from a familiar person.

“Pal! You’re okay,” Nendou cheered, finally pulling away from the hug to double check on his friend. He lifted his hands, proceeding to sign to him, You just suddenly fell over after they pulled you off stage.

My bad, Kusuo signed back tiredly. Sorry.

“What’d he say?” Kaidou nudged Nendou. Did he really have to ask? It was quite obvious.

“He says he’s fine.” Nendou answered, completely leaving out Kusuo’s apology, which he found strangely comforting yet offensive.

“He literally had a panic attack on stage, what do you mean he’s fine?” Kaidou argued, then he looked over at Kusuo with a deeper frown. “Why didn’t you tell us you were having an attack?”

“He wasn't being attacked,” Nendou said blankly.

“A panic attack, it’s different,” Kaidou huffed. “Saiki, not to be intrusive, but do you have anxiety?”

Did...he? He honestly never thought about it properly. Sure, he did have anxiety attacks every now and then when he was a kid, but this was the first one he had after a long time, so he never really considered he might’ve had anxiety.

Actually, it was starting to all make sense to him now that he thought about it.

“I’m going to take that as a yes but you didn’t know,” Kaidou said slowly, concern laced in his tone. It made sense that Kaidou would know, it did seem like he used to have the same issue.

“Oh for sure, can’t you tell from the way his eyes had widened just now by half a centimetre?” Akechi piped up from behind. 

Good freaking grief.

He knew his mother didn’t trust doctors, but Kusuo really needed to see one after literally fainting in school. Not only that, it wasn’t his first time having an attack either, this was just the first time it had gotten this bad.

Sitting in a psychiatrist's waiting room felt odd, because it seemed a lot more homey than a regular doctor’s waiting room, with paintings hung on the walls and carpeted floor. He wasn’t particularly nervous, but he knew his mother was, because the hand she was using to hold onto him was shaking.

It’ll be okay, he reassured, squeezing his mother’s hand tight.

And it was okay. The lady was really nice to him, gentle and understanding, she barely pried and most of the questions she asked were pretty normal. She was a little surprised to learn that Kusuo could speak, but not in a way that was obvious, only Kusuo could tell that she was.

Communication with her was sorta slow. He had to type onto his notes app on his phone for her to read to answer her questions instead of hand signing, which he didn’t really mind all that much.

His mother, who had been waiting outside for them to be done, immediately got up when Kusuo was finished and asked several questions, one being: Did he need to take medication now?

Fortunately enough, it seemed like his case wasn’t too severe yet, mostly because he could still handle being around people without an issue, so he didn’t need to take any meds for now. Although his selective mutism was pretty serious, it wasn’t too bad either in his case, due to the fact that Kusuo spoke through sign language rather than verbally, so he wasn’t completely mute per se.

He came back next week, and the next, and many more weeks after that. He really liked this therapy thing.

“So your friends think you’re deaf, so you’re using that as an excuse to ignore them sometimes?”

Oh, when she put it like that, it just made him sound like an asshole. But yeah, he pretty much was doing that.

“Is there a particular reason why?”

Kusuo drummed his fingers on his lap. There were many reasons why, but those reasons had long lost their meaning. At first, it was because he didn’t want any friends, but now that he did have friends, there wasn’t any reason for him to keep following them through. No matter how many times he told himself he didn’t like them, they were still his friends.

“And why do you not want any friends?”

“Making friends was hard, keeping friends was hard, and losing them was even harder.” Kusuo typed out. “I guess I stopped trying. But then they started coming to me, and it was weird because I had already accepted it.”

“So you got scared?”

She could say that.

She uncrossed her legs, only to cross them back moments later, and adjusted her glasses, leaning forward, “It’s okay to feel scared about losing your friends, but if you’re going to push everyone who wants to be with you away, then how are you going to know if they’ll truly leave you? There’s nothing wrong with wanting space, but people do need other people to survive.”

One of the many things he did like about his friends was the fact that they all knew he enjoyed sweets. It was pretty obvious that he did, with the way his face would smile softly and soften at the taste of coffee jelly.

Surprisingly, they never notice that he’d much rather be left alone. Either that, or they don’t care.

It was a small outing event, they were mainly just eating and talking, but also trying their best to include Kusuo as much as possible, even though he didn’t mind being left alone with his coffee jelly and cakes.

“Man, I feel bad not including Saiki in conversations sometimes,” Kaidou mumbled, assuming Kusuo didn’t know what he had just said because he wasn’t reading Kaidou’s lips. “Since it’s hard to talk to him sometimes.”

“I’m sure we’re trying our best,” Teruhashi beamed, making Kaidou flush red.

“We should probably just learn sign language like Nendou did.” Kaidou hummed, rolling a fork between his thumb and finger. “It’d be a lot easier.” Though possibly soul crushing for him, considering Kaidou had cram school and such already on his schedule.

“Sounds fun,” Kuboyasu commented. “I’d be down. Maybe we can surprise him.” Oh that was just too much, too nice, Kusuo didn’t even know what he did to earn this much love.

Nendou snorted, grinning widely as he pumped his fist on his chest, “I can teach you all!”

“That would save a lot of money.”

Kusuo stopped eating, a rare sight to see despite him being undisturbed, and he placed his spoon down. Everyone stopped talking, looking over at him in confusion before he finally opened his mouth, surprising them even more.

“I can hear you,” Kusuo managed out. “I always could.”

Teruhashi was the first to react, eyes widening and her face turning bright red. All those comments she muttered, he had heard them all.

Nendou blinked, smiling widely with his arms spread wide, “Congratulations on learning how to hear, pal!” Not quite there, but appreciated.

“Uh, uhm, OF COURSE! I knew the whole time,” Kaidou flashed a charming grin, which would’ve worked if it weren’t for the awkward pose he was doing.

Kuboyasu only stared, and drank his tea, “Oh. Well.”

“Sorry.” Then Kusuo paused, and raised his hands to sign. Felt more comfortable being like this, but you all are too nice to me. So the least I could do was tell you the truth. I don’t talk because I have selective mutism.

Nendou translated for them, and they all softened hearing this. Kusuo pressed his back against the booth seat and fiddled with his spoon before taking another bite. That felt easy, and weight lifting. Now that they know, he didn’t have to feel so bad about them going out of their way to do things for him just because they thought he was deaf.

“Of course I knew from the beginning,” Akechi boasted slightly, eyeing Aiura and Toritsuka with a smug grin. Aiura rolled her eyes at him, but pointed at Kusuo with a narrowed look.

“So you, like, could hear us the whole time,” she confirmed with him again. “I always thought you were just stupid smart, or something, at figuring things out despite not being able to hear, y’know?” Well, she wasn’t wrong about the smart part.

“That is so annoying!” Toritsuka blurted. “You’re annoying! Jeez! Would’ve been so much easier! Did you not tell us because you want an excuse to ignore us?” Kusuo recounted the number of times he avoided Toritsuka running towards him from behind, pretending he couldn’t hear him.

He proceeded to shake his head, very very slowly.

“He’s lying, by the way,” Akechi whispered. Kusuo clicked his tongue at that, earning himself a cheeky grin from Akechi.

Well that was that, now they all knew Kusuo wasn’t some deaf kid, even though that info might’ve spread throughout the school, which he really couldn’t care less about.

It was really nice, though, having friends he could trust.

[an-absolute-travesty]

Royal Screw-Ups

(it’s a bit of a different format for chapter 3 but I hope you’ll like it! I don’t know if I ever posted chapter 2 here so I’m posting it now along with chapter 3 but you can also find it and the rest of this story on my Wattpad @ohwowhatethis. Also, you can find chapter 1 under the tags “kotlc fic” and “keefex” on my blog if you haven’t read that one)

Tag list (tell me if you want to be added or taken off as a whole or for this fic specifically): @you-are-the-vacker-legacy @ruewen-and-rising @lemontarto @a-lonely-tatertot @clearlykeefitz @percybetn  @holesinmyfalseconfidence @vibing-in-the-void @sewersewersewercouch

Chapter 2/3:

Word count: 2,285 combined

Warnings: relatively mild swearing

Ch. 2:

“Keefe?”

“Yes Miss Oralie?”

“Is there any particular reason that you have dirt smudged all over your tunic?”

“Why Mademoiselle Oralie, I’m sure I simply have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He didn’t want Oralie to know that he had been outside. He had a schedule and he wasn’t allowed to stray from it. It was easier to play dumb than to say ‘actually Oralie, funny story. I completely disregarded my father’s, the kings, orders! Which is basically treason if you really want to stretch it, and dear old daddy always does!’

A gentle rapping came at the door and Oralie opened it. 

“The king has asked to see the prince...again.”

Oralie looked at Keefe.

“Give us one moment, sir.”

After she closed the door she turned back towards Keefe.

“Keefe…”

“Neiti Oralie, there’s nothing to-”

Oralie led him over to a chair in the small class room and sat him down before crouching in front of him. 

“I know that your father isn’t the kindest person in the world-”

“You can say that again.”

“But, you have to respect him. If nothing else at least don’t run away when he calls for you” She took a pointed glance down at his tunic. “Or go outside when you’re not meant to. You turn 16 in 4 months and then you’ll be the one to take over the country. You must be responsible.”

“I’m too young to rule, my father is in perfect health and so is my mother. There’s no point.”

“Keefe, your father has ruled Eternalia for 200 years. We need a new, responsible, leader. That leader is you and the responsibility starts with going to talk to your father. Now, what are you going to go do when you leave this room?”

“I’m guessing that run away into the gardens isn’t the right answer.”

Oralie gave a small laugh.

“No, it’s not.” She stood up from her crouch and Keefe followed as she walked to the door. “Go on now, you know what you need to do.”

Keefe walked out the door and almost considered running right back to Dex’s house, but he decided to put up with his father just this once. 

He dragged his feet as he walked to the King’s study at the end of the hall. He knocked gently, honestly hoping it would be so quiet his father wouldn’t hear it.

A sharp voice came from inside, “The door is unlocked.”

As Keefe walked into the large, almost disturbingly pristine, room, his dad gestured for him to sit without even a glance up.

“I have some great news, Keefe.” He said it without the slightest trace of a smile on his face.

“You’re moving to Ravagog?”

“No.” He snarled. “I’ve found you a wife, as you didn’t seem to want to choose one, yourself.”

Keefe stood and slammed his hands down on the table. “But you only gave me a month! Please, Dad, just give me one more I promise I’ll find one myself-”

“No!” His father stood up to match him. “I gave you all the time you needed and my word is final.”

He slowly sat down and smoothed his hair, even though there wasn’t even one hair out of place.

“Her name is Sophie Foster, she has a slightly complicated past but what matters is that she’s a noble by blood, if not by name.”

Keefe sat down, defeated. “What’s she like?”

“Pretty enough, you’ll have good children.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“You’ll meet her in 2 weeks. Now, get out of my sight.”

Keefe walked out and slammed the door behind him, hoping that just maybe something fell off his stupidly perfect desk. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ch. 3

Keefe flopped down on his bed face-first. It had been 3 days since he was told who his wife would be and he wasn’t any happier about it.

Maybe he just needed a walk, some fresh air would clear his head. Maybe help him understand why he had to have a wife rather than a husband.

Walking through the grounds, he found himself slowly drifting towards the servants homes. He wasn’t even supposed to be outside right now, much less hanging out with servants.

But he couldn’t stop himself. Soon enough he was standing outside Dex’s door. 

With a look in the window (well, actually it was more like a hole in the wall but Keefe wasn’t one to judge) he saw the family sleeping on their beds. The whole house was about the size of his bedroom. 

Suddenly, one of the figures got out of bed. The familiar red-headed boy shuffled to the small bucket of water in the corner and took a sip from a tin cup. 

Keefe knocked on the window gently.

Dex turned, confused, and his eyes went wide at the sight of the prince. 

Keefe waved with a wide smile on his face. Dex furrowed his brow and shook his head in a ‘what the hell are you doing outside my house at midnight?’ kind of way. 

Keefe motioned him outside and he hesitantly creeped towards the door and walked outside. 

“What the hell are you doing outside my house at midnight?”

“Couldn’t sleep, you’re the only person I thought might let me bother them.”

Dex sighed. “Yeah, ok, you’re right.”

Keefe beamed. “Fantastic, in that case, follow me.”

After around 5 minutes of walking in awkward silence, Dex’s voice filled the void.

“So...where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise, I think you’ll like it.”

As they turned a corner, there stood two guards talking by the castle wall. Keefe quickly grabbed Dex’s arm and pulled him back so they guards wouldn’t see them.

Even though it wasn’t his intention, the contact revealed his emotions to Keefe. 

Flustered, a touch embarrassed, and mostly anxious. 

No, don’t get hopeful. It was probably just a weird fluke.

Another peer around the corner revealed that the guards were now walking off to complete their rounds. Keefe ran ahead and waved Dex forward. 

Dex panted as he ran along beside him. 

“Why are we running?”

“The last guards just got done with that part of their round. That means the next set of guards are coming soon.”

After only a minute more of running Keefe saw what they were looking for.

“There it is!”

~*~

Dex rolled out of bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes. It was the middle of the night so as he crept out of bed he had to be quiet. 

As he made his way to the corner of the room and took a sip of water from the bucket in the corner, he heard a light knocking by the window. 

He wasn’t expecting a prince to be peering in. 

As he went wide eyed, he was met with a handsome, lopsided smile and a wave. 

Dex only shook his head, confused. 

Keefe motioned him to come out of the house.

At first he didn’t want to, but there was just something about the Keefe that he couldn’t say no to… and not just because he was the prince. 

“What the hell are you doing outside my house at midnight?”

“Couldn’t sleep, you’re the only person I thought might let me bother them.”

Dex knew he was correct. “Yeah, ok, you’re right.” he sighed. 

He was rewarded with an even wider smile from the golden haired prince. 

“Fantastic, in that case, follow me.”

As they walked, Dex could only think about the odd circumstances of his situation. 

Three days ago he accidentally ran into the prince. With most rulers that would probably get him executed. Instead, he same prince was now leading him somewhere in the middle of the night. 

“So...where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise, I think you’ll like it.”

He was paranoid. What if Keefe was taking him to be executed? What if King Cassius was even crueler than the legends? What if his family woke up in the morning to an empty bed and a notice from the royal guard?

Or worse, what if Keefe touched him and felt how the butterflies in his stomach were doing loopty-loops as he walked closely by his side?

As they approached a corner, Dex was yanked back and a finger was in front of his face telling him to stay silent. He complied. 

Keefe soon ran ahead again and motioned for Dex to follow. 

“Why are we running?”

“The last guards just got done with that part of their round. That means the next set of guards are coming soon.”

Dex was panting hard, despite his long limbs he wasn’t a runner. Yes, he was strong from physical labor but running never really came up a lot in that. Especially not running from guards. 

“There it is!” Keefe explained as he halted. 

From where they stood, it seemed to be a large wall that stood about 6 feet tall and closed completely around what was a long abandoned part of castle grounds. 

Keefe approached it excitedly but Dex hesitated. 

Keefe heaved himself up on the wall without issue despite its height. 

Jeez he was strong. 

Once he found his seat, he turned back to Dex and gave him a ‘why aren’t you coming?’ look. 

“Are you sure we’re supposed to be doing this?”

“Techmaster, we aren’t supposed to be doing any of this.”

“Techmaster?”

“Yeah, it’s your nickname now, you like it?” He immediately started talking again, as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. “Anyway what I was saying was, we’re not supposed to be doing any of this. But, with my help you’re not going to get in trouble. I’d recommend you decide fast though, the guards should be coming around this way soon.”

Dex thought about it for a second. 

Keefe reached his hand out. 

“Don’t you trust me?”

His smile was irresistible, after only a moment of hesitation he grasped the prince’s hand. So much for fearing him reading Dex’s emotions. 

Keefe helped him up to sit on the wall with two hands. 

“Wow you’re heavy, must have a lot of muscle packed on that body.”

At that moment it became painfully apparent that the boys were still holding each other’s hands. They quickly dropped them but it was obvious Keefe felt every emotion that Dex did at that compliment. 

Keefe glanced over Dex’s shoulder and gasped. 

“Guards!” he said in a harsh whisper and quickly pulled Dex down into the walled area. 

They landed with a hard crash into some bushes.

“Ow…” Dex said as he slowly sat up. Only then did he see what resided in the wall.

It looked like it was a garden, or rather used to be a garden. It seemed long abandoned now. Where there used to be white marble statues, vines obstructed the figures. What looked like it used to be a fountain was now dry of water and covered by foliage. The garden beds were overgrown with weeds and rustled like a creature had made their home in them. 

“Wow” Dex said as he took it all in. 

“It used to be my mom’s private garden. Then she got married to my father and, well, she didn’t exactly have the time for it anymore.”

“I bet it was beautiful.”

“Yeah, I mean I wouldn’t know but...yeah.”

Keefe started down the path that led through the garden and Dex followed. 

“I figured that...well you’re a gardener so maybe you’d like it? I don’t know, it probably just reminds you of work-”

“No, I love it. It’s amazing.”

~*~

“Guards!” Keefe said, quickly pulling Dex down and diving into the bushes. In reality there weren’t any guards there, if he had his timing right then there wouldn’t be any more guards for another 5 minutes. But after feeling how embarrassed and flustered Dex got he just didn’t know how to respond. He had taken it too far, obviously Dex didn’t like him. 

“Ow…” Dex groaned as he sat up. Keefe was worried he hurt him when he yanked him down for a second. 

He wasn’t worried anymore after Dex said, “Wow” at the sight of the long abandoned Queen’s Gardens. 

“It used to be my mom’s private garden. Then she got married to my father and, well, she didn’t exactly have the time for it anymore.”

“I bet it was beautiful” 

“Yeah,” Keefe was more focused on how beautiful Dex looked in the moonlight. “I mean I wouldn’t know but...yeah.”

The Queen’s Gardens were abandoned well over a century before he was born. He had only seen artwork of when it was still neat and kept. 

Keefe started walking down the path that he knew led to the prettiest spot in the garden. He only knew about it because he and Fitz would always explore this place when they were little. His mother had gotten on to them about it more than once but they always came back. 

“I figured that...well you’re a gardener so maybe you’d like it? I don’t know, it probably just reminds you of work-” 

“No, I love it. It’s amazing.”

Keefe let out a relieved sigh as they came upon a small pond right at the center of the garden. It was still relatively clear despite the lack of upkeep and reflected the bright stars in the sky. It looked like a tiny portal to a far away galaxy contained in the ground. 

“Woah.” Dex said as he sat down on the bank. Keefe sat next to him. 

Keefe couldn't focus on the scenery. All he saw was the kind, funny, cute, boy sitting next to him. 

Dex noticed him staring. 

...fuck.

He was expecting something awkward, maybe he would swear at Keefe, or even just ask why he was staring. 

Instead, he was presented with a gentle smile. Dex then looked back out to the water and reached for Keefe’s hand. 

Keefe interlocked his fingers with Dex’s and looked out at the pond, too. He specifically tried not to read the redheaded boy’s emotions. 

They sat that way until they could barely keep their eyes open anymore and headed back to their homes. 

They both slept well that night.

[we-are-inevitable]

when you’re gone // jack & crutchie

hi !!! so, i’ve made the executive decision to delete one of my collections of fics, but i’m posting each one as their own thing instead of all being in the same ao3 post. therefoooore, have this !! i’ll be posting all four at varying times today!

When You’re Gone

some good things about this fic: -WHATTTTTT??? JAC WROTE SOMETHING IN CANON ERA??? SAY SIKE -crutchie crutchie crutchie -Big Brother Jack Kelly -bonding !! light angst/comfort !!! -Accents (TM)

i hope you guys like this !! (side note: please do not tag this as a romantic ship when reblogging.)

He's different. A bad kind of different, and it's written all over his face.

The strike was won. Jack took that job as a cartoonist down at The World, though he's still staying in the lodging house- just until he has some money saved up, just until he's stable. Everyone else carries on like normal, and for the most part, it is. Jack is still gone at the same time as the rest of the boys, and usually comes back just a little bit earlier than most, but nothing has really changed. Jack is still there.

Yet Jack knows something is wrong with Crutchie.

The kid barely talks to him anymore. Jack isn’t sure why, but he had thought back through their conversations, overanalyzing his comments and picking apart everything he could remember from what Crutchie has said, but there's still nothing that stands out.

But still, something is wrong. If it isn’t painfully apparent by the way Crutchie only says a few words to him a day, it's obvious because Crutchie has moved. He no longer spends his nights out on the rooftop with Jack; no, instead, he shacks up with Race and Albert, which… has to be a lot worse than facing the elements outside. The thought causes Jack to shudder.

It's rough, really. Jack can feel that he's losing Crutchie, who was the one person that Jack knows he couldn’t live without. Katherine is his friend, ex-girlfriend, and self-appointed stylist, David is his lover- he still gets butterflies in his stomach whenever he thinks about that- and Race and Albert are his built-in annoyances, but Crutchie… Crutchie is his brother. Has been for years.

Jack can’t lose his brother.

***

Saturday is a warm welcome. Not necessarily warm- no, no, the temperatures are nearing freezing, but at least Jack doesn’t have to go into work. Pulitzer had graciously given Jack the day off, probably because Jack had turned in five drawings to his supervisor instead of one, and, quite frankly, he was sure that Pulitzer was tired of him for the week, so Jack didn’t protest when he came to him and told him to take the day for himself.

He figures that he'll just spend the day with David. David is back in school now, so his Saturday is free, and the university isn’t that far of a walk from the lodging house, so Jack won’t be freezing his ass off for too long.

Part of him is considering selling again, too, for old time’s sake, but now that he has an actual job, standing on a corner in freezing conditions and hoping that someone is stupid enough to brave the elements for a newspaper just… doesn’t sound appealing. He feels bad for the boys, though. Most of his crew are getting older, so they won’t have to do it for much longer, but it seems that they're getting more and more littles each week and it hurts him to see the young ones have to go out in this weather.

Jack sighs to himself as he climbs out of bed. As the weather took a turn for the worst, Jack had made the executive decision to stay in a spare room in the lodging house rather than risk freezing to death on the rooftop. Besides, this is the room where he stores his nice work clothes anyway- the clothes that he was still going to try to pay Katherine back for, as soon as he has the funds. He decides against wearing any of his work clothes, though, settling instead for an old undershirt from his selling days and some paint-stained trousers. He checks his watch and huffs, knowing that the boys are likely already gone.

Jack makes his rounds anyway. He walks through the lodging house, noticing that a few of the littles decided to stay in, under the careful watch of Smalls. No one else seems to be in the building, though. No one but…

Shit.

Jack takes in a deep breath as he walks toward the door, shaking his head when he hears one of the beds inside shifting. He doesn’t want to disturb him, but then Jack hears something- a sound of pain, a whine, a whimper, whatever it is- and he decides to open the door. Slowly, Jack peeks his head in, a look of concern on his face. “Crutch? Are ya… You okay?”

Crutchie doesn’t answer. Instead, he looks up at Jack with tears in his eyes, and Jack knows that look. He hurries over to sit on the edge of the bed, pulling the blankets back, and Jack winces as soon as he sees the contracting muscles on Crutchie’s bad leg. “Shit… Is it bad?”

“Couldn’t even walk this mornin’,” Crutchie answers with a groan, rubbing his forehead. “Jackie, can ya--?”

“Yeah, I got ya,” Jack murmurs. He rubs his hands together for a moment, then gently moves up against the wall, maneuvering Crutchie’s leg into his lap. This reminds him so much of years ago, doing the same thing as a twelve year old, trying to do whatever he can to help his friend with the debilitating pain. It had always been so scary back then, because Jack didn't know what to do and Crutchie was often too in pain to instruct him, but Jack did his best under the circumstances. After all Crutchie had done for Jack, it’s the least he could do.

They sit in silence as Jack massages his leg, continuing on for about ten minutes, until Crutchie’s face relaxes and he’s able to take a deep breath. He gulps, opens his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. “Thanks, Jack. You- You can go now.”

“Go? Nah, Crutch, I ain’t leavin’ today,” Jack says simply, looking down at the younger boy. He's only sixteen, and won't turn seventeen for at least five months... Jack can't stand the thought of making Crutchie- a kid- stay alone in this condition. “I’s off today. Don’t got no work. I was, uh, gonna spend the day with--”

“With Davey?” Crutchie says with a smirk, nudging Jack’s shoulder with his fist, and Jack just shakes his head. “Go, go, have fun with your man. I’s fine right where I is.”

“No. I said I ain’t leavin’ today, Crutchie, and I mean it. ‘Specially since your leg’s all outta sorts today,” Jack gives him a pointed look. “Smalls’ takin’ care of the littles, so if I do need to go do somethin’ I have her keepin’ an eye on ya, but my schedule is free. ‘Sides, I think… I think we need to talk.”

Crutchie swallows. “Talk?”

“Well, yeah. We ain’t been able to talk for a while,” Jack shrugs, then sighs. “You’s been avoidin’ me, Crutchie, and don’t act like ya don’t know it. I just… Did I do somethin’ to piss ya off? Is it somethin’ I said?”

“I ain’t been avoidin’ you, Jackie!” Crutchie lets out an incredulous laugh, then looks away. “What makes ya think that? I ain’t--”

“Charlie.”

That makes him stop. Jack is the only one allowed to call him by his real name, and even then, he only ever does so when it’s important. Crutchie takes in a deep breath and sits up, wincing as he moves himself to sit next to Jack with his back against the wall, legs out in front of him. “‘S just… hard, y’know? You’s gonna be gone soon. For real. You already stopped sellin’ and- and don’t get me wrong, I’m real happy for ya ‘nd all, but… I dunno, I just… don’t want ya to leave yet. Figured it would be easier if I stopped talkin’ to ya now, ‘stead of waitin’ for you to go.”

“Charlie, just because I ain’t here don’t mean I ain’t gonna talk to ya,” Jack says softly, wrapping an arm around Crutchie’s shoulder. “You and I- we’s brothers. Always gonna be brothers. You know that, right, knucklehead?” Jack nudges Crutchie in the side, which makes the younger boy let out a laugh. “Once I got enough money to get myself a place, you’s comin’ with me, ya hear? You and me, Crutch.”

“Thought you was gonna live with Dave?” Crutchie tilts his head, a lopsided grin on his face.

“Davey’ll be fine on the couch,” Jack shrugs. There’s a few beats of silence before they both break out into soft laughter, which results in Crutchie resting his head against Jack’s shoulder, just like he used to do when they were younger.

After a few moments, however, Crutchie sucks in a deep breath. “...What am I gonna do with ya gone? Who’s gonna help me get down from the roof?”

“Uh, no one, ‘cause after I’m gone, ain’t no one stealin’ my roof.”

“Who’s gonna antagonize the Delancey’s with me?”

“Where the hell did ya learn the word ‘antagonize’?”

“Who’s gonna make sure I don’t mess up? What if I mess up, Jack? I don't know what to do, and you--”

“Crutch, calm down,” Jack says gently, then rubs the younger boy’s arm. “You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna do good things, kiddo, I promise. I am so, so proud of you, Charlie… You’re gonna be just fine.”

Crutchie looks up at Jack and gulps, but eventually nods, biting his lip. “I... I guess you's right. Thanks, Jackie.”

They settle into a comfortable silence after that. Things will be a lot different once Jack is actually gone, sure, but Jack has a feeling everything will be alright. He's going to make sure of it.

For his friend.

No, for his best friend.

No, for his brother.

[alloftheimagines]

billy hargrove | heaven-sent | part six

masterlist | series | part five

words: 2k+

warnings: mentions of death, abuse, fighting, swearing, drinking, aggression, non-consensual kiss

disclaimer: i in no way support the actions of billy. i just find his character interesting and want to explore it more with my oc. takes place from season 2. OC is hopper’s daughter.

summary:  she’s an angel. he may as well be the devil. one would not exist without the other.

The gentle hum of the engine is peaceful as the Camaro cruises through Hawkins. Billy doesn’t try to cover it with his music the way he usually would. After the night he’s had, he’s grateful for the quiet. He’s unable to forget the way his father’s fist collided with his face earlier, his cheek still throbbing painfully. His jaw aches, too, and he realises he’s been clenching it for hours. He relaxes it now as best he can, his attention drawn away from it entirely when they pass a bunch of wilted flowers placed randomly on the side of the road. There are unlit candles, too, the wax melted into the concrete.

“Someone die there or somethin’?” he asks without thinking.

From the corner of his eye, he sees Frances flinch and regrets asking. “Yeah. Her name was Barb.”

“Did you know her?” He glances at her, but she isn’t looking at him, her head turned away as she gazes out of the window.

“She was my best friend.”

Jesus. I’m—” He sucks in a breath, his grip tightening on the steering wheel sub-consciously. Sorry, he wants to say, but somehow the word doesn’t do it justice. “What happened to her?”

“She was killed.” She tucks a strand of brown hair behind her ear, her eyes hardening as she turns them back on the road ahead. She still won’t look at him.

“Shit,” he whispers. “Did they catch ‘em?”

“No.” She shakes her head, her voice cracking. Her chest is heaving as though she’s suppressing a sob or is struggling to breathe. He shuffles in his seat, unsure what to do or say. He doesn’t need to force anything out: she continues before the right words come. “I should have been there that night. She begged and begged for me to come to this stupid party with her at Steve Harrington’s house. Nancy was forcing her. She wasn’t really part of that crowd and she didn’t wanna be alone, always said it was easier for her when I was there. She died alone.”

“It’s not your fault,” Billy replies softly. It’s easier for him to be soft in the dark; easier to allow himself to sound as though he gives a damn. “You couldn’t have known.”

“But I did,” she hits back, looking at him now. Her eyes are shiny with tears, her hands clinging to her camera desperately. “I had this awful feeling in my chest, like I couldn’t breathe, all fucking night—only I thought it was because Jonathan’s brother was missing. I was so busy looking for him with my dad that I wasn’t there for Barb. Now she’s gone. And I knew.”

Her face is illuminated in the pale headlights passing on the other side of the road, and for a moment her eyes seem to flicker, blaze, change. Her irises, once a green that reminded Billy of the Californian sea on a rare, grey day, are now golden. He does a double take, almost swerving the car in the process, but when he looks again they look as they always did: murky ocean eyes half-hiding behind dark lashes and unruly bangs.

“Shit,” he curses, forcing his eyes back on the road. “Your eyes.”

She frowns, paling and pulling down the overhead mirror with enough force that Billy is worried she might break his damn car. “What?”

“Nothin’, I—” he stutters, blinking and looking at her again. Had he imagined it? Was it the light off the other car? “I thought you had something in your eye. It was nothin’.”

He pulls into the clearing where the trailer stands, lonely and grey against the black lake. The tyres roll against the gravel unevenly, the engine cutting out and replaced with silence.

“Your dad home?” he asks, just as he had the previous night. The trailer’s windows are dark, the house empty and solitary where it stands. He can’t imagine calling this place a home, even with his own circumstances.

“No,” she replies, unfastening her seat-belt slowly. “You wanna come in for a while? I could use that drink, now.”

He nods, a small smile playing on his lips as he takes the keys out of the ignition and grabs the bottle of whisky from beside him. “Sure. Why not?”

* * *

The trailer isn’t as small as it looks from the outside. It’s cosy, earthy, and he can imagine Frances pottering about on it on a Saturday, drinking coffee with the patterned curtains closed to block out the low winter sun. Still, he can’t imagine sleeping in this thing alone. They’re basically in the middle of nowhere. He can’t even smell cow shit out here, and the lake is eerily still even in the wind.

“Your dad work a lot?” He places the whiskey on the kitchen counter and she pulls out two glasses from the oak cupboards, standing on her tip-toes and arching her back to reach.

“Yeah. I’m used to it now.”

“You don’t get scared out here alone?” he teases, leaning against the counter.

She pours the whiskey carefully and slides his tumbler towards him, taking a sip of her own. If the burn fazes her, she doesn’t show it. “I’m always scared. Doesn’t make a difference if I’m out here or in the middle of town.”

“Because of Barb?”

She shrugs. Her cheeks are flushed from the short walk between the car and the trailer, making the small cut on her cheek appear redder than it did before. “Because of a lot of things. You need ice for that bruise?”

He had forgotten about it for the first time tonight. He touches it now as if to remind himself, trying to hide his wince as he realises how tender it is. “I’m good,” he says despite himself.

She rolls her eyes, kneeling down to rifle through the freezer. When she comes up, she’s holding frozen peas. She chucks them at him, and he catches reluctantly, pressing them gently to his face. “Thanks.”

“So, where did you move from?” she questions, leading him to the couch and sitting down, whiskey in hand. He follows, sitting beside her, perhaps a little closer than he had meant to. He doesn’t make an effort to budge down.

“California.”

“Yeah?” Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “That’s a little different than Hawkins. What was it like?”

“It was …,” he sighs, unable to find the right words. Nobody had asked him that yet, really. Nobody in Hawkins cared about Billy’s old life. Sometimes, it no longer feels as though it exists at all. “It was home. I basically lived on the beach. Had bonfires most nights, spent my days out in the sun. There was always something happening, too. Carnivals, fairs, gigs. You’d love it. You'd get some amazing photographs.”

“Yeah,” she smiles, hanging on his every word. He can’t help but look at her again, at her eyes that he’d been sure had changed. They were still green, still the closest he could get to his favourite place. “I bet. You must miss it like crazy.”

“More than anything,” he admits, sipping his drink to distract himself from the sudden attention. “What about you, you lived here your whole life?”

“Actually, I lived in New York for a while when I was a kid. My mom still lives there with her new husband.”

“Did you like it?”

She shakes her head, leaning back into the couch as her eyes glaze over for a moment, remembering. “I did. Now, it just reminds me of things I’d rather forget.”

“Like?”

“I think I’ve told you enough of my little sob story tonight,” she laughs, but Billy can tell it isn’t genuine. He can’t help but wonder if they’re more alike than he thought, looking at the cut on her cheek again. Did the chief do that? He seems to walk around town in an eternally foul mood: it wouldn’t necessarily surprise him if he took it out on her.

He finds himself inching closer to her, so close that their foreheads are almost touching. “I like talking to you. You’re the only person in this shitty town I can stand to be around, even if you are all gloom and doom.”

“Gee, thanks.” Sarcasm drips from her words without conviction. He can hear her breath coming out quicker as he looks down at her soft, pink lips longingly. She doesn’t close the distance, so he takes it upon himself.

Their lips press together for only a moment before her hands are on his stomach, pushing him away. She stands up, crossing her arms over her chest as though she’s naked rather than fully clothed with layers of knitwear. Her face is bright red, her eyes blazing. “What the fuck, Billy?”

“What?” he replies cluelessly, raking his hand through his hair and pretending as though his cheeks aren’t heating up in embarrassment. He can’t remember the last time he was rejected.

“What?” Frances repeats in disbelief. “God, what was this? Were you just trying to get into my pants the entire fucking time? Driving me home, getting back my camera, listening to me when I talk about my dead friend and my cheating boyfriend because I’m a fucking idiot who thought that maybe you weren’t so bad, that maybe you actually gave a shit?”

He’s speechless, licking his dry lips as he tries to figure out what to say. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“Why would I ever want that? I just ended a two-year relationship with my best fucking friend.”

“And I’m great at rebound sex,” he answers as though it’s obvious. He can feel anger beginning to bubble in him, not because he’s mad at her words, but because she’s yelling—and he still doesn’t know why. “Why else am I hear, Fran? You wanna talk about feelings all night while you braid my damn hair? Cuddle by the fuckin’ fire with a mug of hot cocoa, marshmallows on top? You’re not stupid. You know I’m not that guy.”

Tears are pricking her eyes again, and this time she doesn’t blink them back. He’s not sure she even knows she’s crying in her own, blind rage. “So all of this was just for sex? All of it?”

Billy softens at the sadness in her voice, his elbows digging painfully into his thighs as he puts his head in his hands and takes a breath. “No, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t plan all this just to screw you. I just … When you invited me in, I thought—”

“Thought you’d shoot your shot,” she finished bitterly. “Of course you did; of course opening my door to you automatically meant opening my legs, too. You’re a fucking asshole, Billy. I don’t know why I let you in. I don’t know why I let any of this happen. Just get out.”

“Fran—” he says desperately, standing up from the couch and walking around the coffee table to meet her.

“Get out, Billy!” Frances shouts. “Get the fuck out!”

She pushes him backwards with more force than he’d been expecting, sending him flying straight into the door. It falls open against his weight, and he falls with it, landing on the porch. His defeated, shocked body is illuminated by the white porch light.

Frances stands in the doorway, speechless. Clearly, she had been expecting this as much as he had.

“Jesus!” he yells when he’s able to find the words. It hurts him, being treated this way. He could take it from his father, his friends, the shitheads he beats up at school and parties, but he hadn’t been expecting her to touch him like that—and it’s clear she hadn’t meant to by the way she looks at him as though he’s broken, as though she’s broken him, though she can’t know what this means to him. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re a crazy bitch, you know that?”

“Fuck you,” she whispers weakly as he pulls himself up, using the fence as support. “Leave me alone, Hargrove.”

“Gladly,” he responds, his upper lip curling in contempt. His hands are balled into fists as he marches away, barely sparing her a glance as he slams the door of the Camaro shut after sliding into the driver’s seat. His tyres struggle against the gravel, spitting out dust and dirt as he speeds away, watching her retreating figure standing in the threshold of the trailer in the rear-view mirror.

part seven

[gascon-en-exil]

Bottom Ten Three Houses Characters

I decided after a while that I couldn’t fulfill an anon request to do a top 10 list for the whole series, because it would overlap too much with ones I’ve already done - lord privilege is a thing that exists, and I’ve ranked those before - and because it’s really difficult to compare so many characters (~600 if we’re being thorough) across so many different games.  Instead I decided to go negative with it, although around 2/3rds of these ought to be totally uncontroversial at least in my corner of the fandom. Starting from the one I dislike least:

(Dis)honorable Mention: Anna, for putting in such a lackluster showing that she doesn’t deserve a spot on this list despite technically being in the playable cast. It’s not only the lack of supports, although that hurts, but also how obvious it is that the writers have no new material for her. Anna’s gimmick worked fined when she was an NPC and perhaps for the space of a single game as a playable character, and Fates originated the meta idea of making her paid DLC so you have to shell out real money to use her, but that’s the extent of her here too. As a unit she’s far from spectacular, and her paralogue isn’t even good for much but a ton of (mostly mediocre) drops and a tiny bit of context for that Pallardó guy from non-CF Chapter 13. Here’s a revolutionary idea: for the next original FE it might be good to have Anna back to being only a wacky dimension-hopping NPC shopkeeper.

#10 Constance - It pains me that she’s on this list, more than anyone else by far. I really wanted to like Constance, and at first glance she’s right up my alley as a haughty impoverished aristocrat coping awkwardly with her diminished status. I like the dark flier class she’s built around, and her default personality is an even louder pre-timeskip Ferdinand whom you know I love. However, it’s that “default personality” bit that sours me on her, because she’s got two of them. What could have been an interesting take on Constance’s struggles with identity and self-esteem in the wake of her family’s disgrace is presented in such an over-the-top comedic manner that it’s impossible to take her very seriously. It’s more reminiscent of FE13′s Noire than anything, and at least she has the excuse of a mother who performed dark magic experiments on her and fractured her psyche. Constance also supports Jeritza and yet somehow they do no more than lightly allude to their personality issues which is as much a missed opportunity as you can get with such a terrible character (see below), opting instead to try softening Jeritza with his fondness for roses. Lovely.

#9 Leonie - Fandom exaggerates her Jeralt fixation, although it does pop up at the worst times (see: her Byleth support right after his death). As I’m not very concerned with Byleth’s nonexistent feelings though this placement more comes down to general indifference. Leonie feels completely disconnected from the rest of the Deer, and although she’s a supposed reflection of the house’s more egalitarian bent there’s nothing connecting her to the politics or larger culture of the Alliance until you learn about her student loan debt. She really is best understood as a Jeralt fangirl first and foremost, which is why perhaps the most surprising thing about her is when reality comes knocking in her endings and it turns out she picked up her mentor’s vices as well. Jeralt himself would be even further down this list were he playable, but as he isn’t I’ll have to settle for side-eyeing all of his adoring fans. Which brings me to....

#8 Alois - Remember that dating sim Dream Daddy that people were talking about a few years ago? The one that willfully misunderstands what the term “daddy” means in gay male spaces to write fluffy dad joke-laden romances intended for a presumably not-gay audience? Alois is the spirit of that game personified as an FE character, which is not something I ever would have thought to know that I didn’t want. He’s got some funny lines here and there, but that’s the most you can say about him when otherwise he’s just passable midgame filler (of a unit type each house including the Wolves already has one of) standing in Jeralt’s imitation Greil shadow. I don’t even mind the platonic S support all that much because it’s still only Byleth, but it occurs to me that just about the only thing that would have made Alois memorable would be if his S support was romantic but he remained married to his wife. I can’t think of a time when this series has allowed the player to indulge in adultery, so even if it had been limited to an option for f!Byleth it would have been a fascinating option.

#7 Cyril - This isn’t about his devotion to Rhea, which is fully understandable given his circumstances. Nor is it about his performance as a unit which in my experience at least is actually rather good for a Donnel/Mozu-style villager archetype. No, what gets me is that he’s a self-righteous workaholic which makes for quite the grating personality trait. I understand that he finds meaning in his work and that he’s got some entertaining supports calling other characters to task for their terrible work ethics or ignorance of the lives of commoners (VW should have really dug more into his back-and-forth with Claude), but the lectures on not interrupting him or telling Byleth to get back to work are as tiresome as they are frequent. It’s petty I know, but one can only hope he grows out of it eventually. At least he doesn’t wear a pot on his head....

#6 Mercedes - Like Constance, she’s the type of character I wanted to like from the start. She’s pious pseudo-Catholic clergy, with a quirky thing with ghosts and some quiet lesbianism with her BFF that I can take or leave but that I know some people really enjoy (and also she’s bi-for-Byleth, but no one talks about that). Unfortunately as I touched on when talking about Marianne in my Top 10 characters list, Mercedes’s appealing points are sharply contrasted against her more annoying ones. The breathy voice acting I can mostly get used to, but her backstory is unnecessarily convoluted - three families and two flavors of evil adoptive father - and as is also true of Constance her association with Jeritza drags her down a fair bit. To this day I still have no idea what we’re meant to make of the Lamine siblings’ dynamic, but Mercedes’s eagerness to overlook her brother’s crimes and unrepentant bloodlust so she can coo over what a sweet boy he is deep down say some pretty odd things about her personal moral code. Maybe it was implied all along with the paranormal fascination that she’s not as orthodox as she appears to be, but the dissonance is real especially in CF where she gets a support line with Jeritza that tries to woobify him and affirms how much she loves him...and meanwhile in monastery exploration she’s wringing her hands over how much she hates the idea of fighting Faerghus and the church. There’s no through line here, and as justification for characters siding with Edelgard go this one is pretty flimsy.

#5 Gilbert - Similar to Cyril, I don’t dislike Gilbert for the reasons that most of the fandom does. Yes, he’s a crappy father, but as I’m pretty indifferent to Annette and to father-child bonding in general I can appreciate the fresh spin he places on the archetype of the devoted knight. In short, he’s a knight who wasn’t devoted and ran away from his duty, and his arc in AM is all about making up for his past failures both to his family and to his liege. This is an angle to knighthood FE doesn’t delve into often, and it makes him an explicit foil of Dedue as explored in their supports. The reason that Gilbert is on this list though in fact has more to do with that opposition, because I am painfully aware that had AM not killed off Dedue by default in service of self-insert romance Gilbert would not have had to be scripted as Dedue’s replacement both as a unit and as a retainer figure. It’s not his “fault” of course, insofar as one can ever blame fictional characters for the actions of their writers, but whenever I’m running AM and have to take those randomized supply run quests from Gilbert instead of the route’s actual retainer I’m reminded of how we were robbed of power couple Dimidue (in AM anyway - CF of all routes delivers on this point). Gilbert could have been father of the year to Annette and freely given Byleth his (grand)daddy dick and it still wouldn’t overwrite the fundamental problem that Byleth screwed over all three AM-exclusive characters in different ways. As to that, well...look at #1.

#4 Raphael - It’s hard to describe just how much wasted potential there is to this guy. Along with Ignatz and Leonie he could have illustrated the greater social mobility of the Alliance and the increased opportunities non-nobles enjoy there, but all three are mostly side characters. He’s repeatedly positive in the face of tragedy and remains motivated by his love for his remaining family, but 90% of his dialogue revolves around either eating or training to the point that he’s arguably the closest FE16 comes to gimmick character writing (something almost every FE is guilty of, but that has come under heavy scrutiny in recent years because of how much Awakening and Fates used it). He has a sweet friendship with Ignatz with even a bit of chemistry that sits in good company with the kind of simply affability he has with almost everyone he supports, but they have a no homo ending involving one of the game’s eternally offscreen characters. He supports Dimitri, but the bara content is thin on the ground and their line stands out as easily the least substantial of the house leaders’ cross-house supports. Even as a unit he’s lackluster, in the same repetitive category as Alois with nothing that makes him really stand out from the other axe-and-brawling guys. Highest HP growth in the game...whee. I’ve seen arguments that Raphael’s simplicity is the source of his charm, and while I can sort of see that he feels like he belongs in a game like the GBA or Tellius titles where characters have a much smaller amount of overall content to their name. In a game like Three Houses the sheer torrent of lines about food and training wear thin quickly.

#3 Bernadetta - see #8 here. To sum up, she’s annoying, her sex appeal falls flat with me and is frankly just kind of confusing, it bugs me that a significant portion of the Ferdibert fandom headcanons her as Hubert’s bestie when the man clearly does not do besties, and the most positive thing I can think to say about is that based on her habit of befriending known murderers among other things she might be a bit of a sociopath. That’s not very flattering, but at least it’s somewhat interesting. Oh yeah, and Edelgard setting her on fire at the Gronder rematch is good for a meme although I suppose that isn’t technically attributable to Bernadetta.

#2 Jeritza - Jeritza sucks. Everyone, apart from the small number of fans into Bylitza for some reason, is aware that he sucks. He’s a bloodthirsty serial killer we’re meant to like because he killed his father to protect his sister and also because he likes ice cream and kittens...and because he’s clearly mentally ill in some way and Edelgard is weaponizing his illness for her war which means all the murder is okay, I guess. Jeritza is like FE7 Karel if he was somewhat important to the plot and that instead of a redemption arc between games he got Karla and some other characters swearing that he’s really sweet deep down and also he can romance the male self-insert - yay. I love the line of thinking sometimes espoused in anti circles that M/M Bylitza is the only non-Problematic™ Byleth ship because he’s their only gay romantic S rank partner who’s not one of their students, a loli, or Rhea who is obviously the most evil character in the game. As I’ve mentioned above Jeritza also makes other characters he supports worse by association, although he’s not quite as bad in that regard as #1. Do I even need to bring up the painfully affected voice acting? It’s ironic that the vocal director for the English localization turns in unquestionably the worst performance among the named cast, and I have to assume he picked the role for himself solely because he sounds like an imposing Death Knight and not because his voice is at all suited to the troubled twunk underneath the armor. Just about the only thing that would have salvaged Jeritza for me would be if he and Hubert got to have an epic competition to determine once and for all which of them is more evil. Hubert would wipe the floor with this poser.

#1 Byleth - see here at the bottom. They fail as a self-insert, they fail to be a properly realized character even more than previous Avatars, they damage other characterizations and arcs all over the place, and Three Houses overall would have been vastly improved if they didn’t exist or at least weren’t the PoV character. In that previous post I listed just two reasons why I still prefer Byleth to Robin as an Avatar, one being that their significance to the plot is set up before the game even begins and the other being that their lack of a voice makes f!Byleth a less obtrusive presence when it came time for me to have her S rank all the guys to fill out the support log...not enough to where I could treat her as a self-insert, but any amount helps. I do however have to add a third small bit of praise for Byleth, in that they apparently drive antis up the wall for the most asinine of reasons which is always entertaining to witness. I recall when this game’s school setting was first revealed that everyone in the fandom nodded their heads and made the easy prediction that there would be teacher/student sex because that’s just how FE rolls, but somehow still there’s outrage over it. Even so, Byleth is horrible by every significant parameter, and it’s a shame we’ll only be able to imagine what FE16 would have been like had the developers not felt the need to write the whole thing around an Avatar.

[reliciron]

Exploring Arcann’s Romance: Part 1

So Arcann’s romance, huh?

Kinda sucked, didn’t it?

So I’m going to throw down some ideas that might flesh it out a bit. Again, these are just some of my interpretations, and since I love thinking about his romance I would really like to hear other ideas because some of mine are getting stale from how often I’ve run through the scenarios in my head.

Strap in, it’s another long one.

Part 2 here

Like any in-game romance, there are as many different ways to introduce a romance as there are fans of that pairing. No two are going to be exactly the same, but I’ve found that fans seem to get more creative about a romance the less satisfactory the in-game scenes are. If there’s several scenes with good emotional weight that lead to a satisfying confession/kiss/sex scene then a fair number of fics will include the canon scenes in some form. I’m not saying that this is lazy fic writing, I’m saying that its a testament to how good the canon content is. If what we got is shit, then we’re more motivated to make our own; if it’s good, then then we can focus more on the unseen parts of the existing scene, like their internal dialogue, rather than creating a completely new one. Ex. Fenris from Dragon Age 2. All these years later, I still love his romance. I find the flirting and romance scenes satisfying and true to the characters. I’ve read a lot of Hawke/Fenris fanfics, and a large portion of those who addressed their getting together tend to follow the canon scenes closely. They’re not exact of course, often there’s enough of the author’s flavor to make the scenes feel new again, but I feel like this illustrates the trend.

On the other end of the spectrum are romances like Arcann’s. I understand of course, his romance is an afterthought in the game. An addition that came after the story was concluded and tacked on in a single companion alert that could easy be overlooked. Add that little scene variation before The Nathema Conspiracy flashpoint, and we’ve got two measly little scenes and one or two messages. Compare that to Theron Shan’s romance. Assuming you ran through the Prelude, Shadow of Revan, and Ziost, then you’ve been flirting with him for months if not years. (Quick note, I’ve only romanced Theron as an Imp-side character so I’m not sure how different it is Pub-side) We get to see him flustered by our interest in the Prelude. He subtly checks if we’re still interested when we first see him again on Rishi and acts more accepting of our flirtations. He’s even more confident on Yavin 4, going as far as expressing his worry and his own flirtations. We even get kisses! One on Rishi, one on Yavin. And he seems genuinely regretful that we have to part ways. We don’t get much on Ziost, which makes sense since things are happening so fast, but we get enough to know that he hasn’t forgotten us, and he still harbors interest.

In KotFE, we find that sweet, sad, nervous message waiting for us once we get to a mailbox, and once he enters the story we get plenty of opportunities for flirting, kisses, and soft emotional scenes straight through to the end of Nathema (assuming you didn’t kill him or break up).

Arcann’s content looks pretty pathetic in comparison, so it’s no surprise that the few people putting out fics for him have their work cut out for them.

The first major division we can make are: fics that assume Arcann fell for you after he joins the Alliance, and fics that assume his interest started much earlier, when he was still the villain. The second one is: fics who include the canon confession scene, and those who make their own.

Honestly, I think I speak for everyone in that the content for Arcann is so sparse that most readers don’t have a preference. Beggars can’t be choosers after all. But such categories can help us corral our ideas on his romance.

The companion alert itself is seems very heavily predisposed toward someone looking to romance him. He made you armor so you can always be protected for god’s sake! Even if you’re not looking to romance him, it still makes you think that he’s crushing on your character big time (which he actually admits in a message post-confession). Add those pre-romance messages to this scene and it makes it painfully awkward for anyone who doesn’t romance him.

But even then, the whole thing is extremely abrupt. The last we knew in the game, our character is at least on civil terms with him, but his speech is still very formal and his actions still scream nervous subservience. He still seems very unsure of his position in the Alliance, so he’s probably falling back on what he knows from his years serving Valkorian. Emphasis on serving.

I don’t think I need to tell you guys how bad that is; going into a relationship with the person you feel subservient to.

So it’s little wonder that most fics either put way more distance between the end of KotET and the confession or put more work into advancing Arcann’s headspace into a healthier place, often a little of both.

It’s important to me that I don’t fall into the trap of “love fixes everything” because I don’t personally like that kind of relationship.

Arcann’s so messed up that it would take years to get him in to a completely healthy state of mind, and most fics don’t have that sort of time, but we can at least try to get him into a more confident position before we dive into the romance.

Now, to the romance scenarios. Specifically, the ones where he started being interested in you after he joined the Alliance.

The fics I’ve read who do include the canon alert scene, tend to change it a little. It seems best to let it play out normally without picking the flirt option. That awkwardness can then be used in a more natural confession later on.

Either your character hadn’t even entertained the idea of romancing Arcann, or they had but assumed he wouldn’t return their feelings. Depending on how careful and emotionally insightful they might be, they could also worry that their interest would not be appropriate for the situation. They could worry that even if Arcann was interested he wouldn’t be ready for a relationship. At worst, if they’ve noticed his subservience, they could even worry that he wouldn’t refuse their interest out of some misguided need to appease them or because he feared for his position in the Alliance if he refused. After all, your character is the Commander and they are technically in a position of power over him. Do I think he would actually do that? No. But an overly anxious character, or one looking for any excuse not to confess, might worry about it.

Either way, Arcann gifting them armor, showing an almost desperate need to protect them, and his messages paint a pretty obvious interest. They could be too surprised or flustered to properly respond right then, but they could take the hint to start making moves on him. Whatever that means for your character, whether it’s blatant flirting looking to get a reaction out of him, or its more subtle, like little innocent touches and spending more time with him. The response is up to you.

I admit, I’m all about that pining, so I tend to assume that he has already come to the conclusion that he’s interested in your character and that there’s no way they could possibly like him back. So I figure that any flirting will be coming from your character. How long it takes for him to catch on depends on your character’s personality, what kind of flirting their doing, and how unusual it is for them to act that way.

For those who disregard the confession scene entirely, the sky’s the limit. I have a few ideas of my own but there aren’t really any guidelines here so long as you try to keep them in character (if that’s something you want to do, writing OOC characters is an option, just not one I enjoy). And if you DO need them to do something that would be out of character, then spend the time and do the work to get them to a point where it wouldn’t be. If you need Arcann to take control and push your character up against a wall you can’t go from an unsure regretful man to playful sexy man in 3.5 seconds, work on him to get him there. Throughout a reasonable amount of time and circumstances, boost his confidence, make him feel as if that action would be welcome to your character and not frightening. The actions that lead us there, however, are up to you.

As for Arcann’s falling-for-you process:

I think it was first rooted in respect and a little hero worship.

Assuming that he was honest when he said he didn’t feel anything but negative things for you pre-ritual, let’s consider what those might be.

At minimum you were an annoyance. Some little shit who didn’t have the sense to bow down, and kept foiling his plans. The longer you kept making yourself a nuisance the angrier you made him. You somehow managed to find the one ship who could stand up to the eternal fleet, effectively spitting in the face of his military might. You survived what should have been a fatal blow. You had the gall to come back to Zakuul while there was an active bounty on your head. You subverted his own subjects, showed his automated army was not immune to sabotage, stole the majority of his treasury, and came within striking distance of disabling the entire fleet. He went from being mildly amused and faintly irritated at the mention of you, letting you run around Zakuul with only an offhand warning to the people, to being so fixated that he willingly ignored that Scorpio had taken the throne just so he could attack you.

You were willful, persistent, cunning, and absolutely infuriating. A Robin Hood to his Prince John.

But now he’s on the other side. He’s part of your Merry Men. And those qualities take on another light.

With his rage pacified, his newly reemerged empathy has shown him the cost of his actions. Actions that Vaylin is now mirroring. Suddenly facing down the might of the eternal fleet with its legions of Skytroopers and Knights, the shear impossibility of the task finally hits home for him. This is what the Commander has been fighting for months. Through charisma and shear force of will, they’ve managed to convince people to band together against ridiculous odds, and through guerrilla tactics and their own considerable strength they’ve actually been able to hold their own.

If that doesn’t earn his respect nothing will.

And with their continued dogged attacks, even in the face of such adversity, I don’t know how he wouldn’t admire them.

But your character’s been through a lot by the time he joins up. They’ve been at this for months if not years, all the while toting around the ticking time bomb known as Valkorian. We don’t see it in-game, but they have to be exhausted. Mentally and physically. And now he’s in a position to see those cracks start to form. The shadows under their eyes grow darker, their movements more sluggish, and their patience thins. He watches the way their gaze goes distant or they track someone with their eyes when there’s nothing there, and knows that it’s his father haunting them. Every loss hits them harder and weighs heavier on their shoulders, and Arcann’s admiration for them grows alongside his fear.

Fear that they will break under the pressure.

But to his increasing surprise, that worry is less and less about what that would mean for the galaxy, or even the Alliance, and more what that would do to the Commander. He finds that he’s grown to actually like them. The perseverance that once enraged him now leaves him in awe. The tone he’d thought was mocking is now charming or soothing. The depths of their strength is no longer frightening, but inspiring.

There is a light in their eyes. And every day, every appearance from his father, every loss, causes it to dim a little more. And he’s become terrified that it will go out.

I agree that the scene in the throne room is the turning point for him. When admiration and fondness turned into romantic feelings.

“It was not until you defeated Valkorian and took the throne that I realized my feelings had evolved beyond admiration.” - In-game Message

Seeing his father taking control of the Commander must’ve been terrifying. I’m sure he felt it.

There must have been a surge of Valkorian’s power, and then the Commander’s presence all but disappeared.

Our character was so badly broken that they took on Valkorian’s image just to survive. [Brief side note: I loved those scenes where you have to reassemble yourself by stringing your memories together. But taking on Valkorian’s image never made sense to me. If I address this in a fanfic, I’d prefer being a formless glob of light, or maybe a walking collection of shattered glass.]

You were unconscious for so long and Arcann got so scared that we was willing to go in there after you. He even expresses his worry to Senya that he “wouldn’t be strong enough”. Whether he meant he wouldn’t be strong enough to resist falling to the dark side again, or he simply wasn’t powerful enough to defeat Valkorian is unclear, but the important thing is that he was willing to risk it for you.

I cannot emphasize this enough, he was so scared of losing you that he was willing to face down the man who abused him for decades.

And this close call made him realize how important you were to him and how deep his feelings for you actually ran.

Part 2 here

[dcwdrops]

interrogation one — jillian mercer.

     Well, shit. Jillian had never liked Ismail — in fact, she hated him, and hated Joja. That was no secret to anyone in the Valley. But to have someone die, especially so suddenly: that kind of thing shook a town, and it shook the people in it. She was no exception: she’s a little stunned and a little shaky, and she was going to ignore Mayor Lewis’ pleas for voluntary interviews until her parents pressure her to talk to him. It’d be better if you did, Jilly Bean. You’ll feel better about it. As if she was traumatized by the death of Ismail Haq rather than death in general. As if she’d done anything wrong. 

one. where were you on the night of tuesday, october 6?

Her hands are shaking and her heart is practically beating out of her chest. Breathe, Jillian, breathe. Why is she so freaked out over this? Maybe it’s because she knows the obvious:  there had been no one in town more vocal of their hatred of JojaMart than Jillian Mercer. And she’d been a little ... volatile recently. Especially with Mayor Lewis interviewing her, after her whole spat with Sasha. But this was a freak accident, right? He probably was drunk and fell or something. No one could have hurt him, right? Her voice is quiet when she finally speaks.:  

     “ I was at the saloon. I’m there pretty much every night. I finished off my shift at the store, and then went over there for it to open. I stayed there until closing, when I just went home.  ”

two. can anyone confirm your whereabouts?

Who the fuck was at the saloon? She tries to remember. Really, she tries. But between entry and exit, lines blur. She’d had far too much to drink, which wasn’t exactly unusual. But telling the mayor she didn’t remember would certainly rouse more suspicion. Her tone is weaker still, now, uncertain.

     “ Sure. I mean, probably. Uh, plenty of people were at the saloon. I don’t really remember who else was there specifically. But ... I go there every night. I got served drinks. People saw me. It’s not like I’m standing in the middle of the fucking saloon like hey, everyone, Jillian’s here! Someone must have. Seen me, I mean. Finley was probably there. You can ask them.  ”

three. what was the nature of your relationship with mr. haq?

There it was. Of course. The million dollar question. She can’t even look at Lewis as she answers, still painfully quiet as she stumbles around her response, picking at a hangnail. It hurts, but it’s a better distraction than the thump, thump, thump that’s increasing her heart rate. She has to remind herself to breathe. You didn’t do anything. It was possible no one did anything. But ... she had a bad feeling about this. Suddenly, it spills out, a little louder than she intended: 

     “ I think you know the answer to that. I’m not gonna — I’m not gonna elaborate on how much I hated him, okay? Hating someone isn’t evidence. This is for evidence. Did you know he fucking hit me with his car? Yeah. That about sums up my interactions with him. But that doesn’t mean anything. Like — not to speak ill of the dead or anything, but plenty of people didn’t like that guy. It doesn’t mean I wanted him ... it doesn’t mean he deserved to die. I didn’t do anything. ” 

four. how often did you interact with him?

She feels like kicking herself. What kind of answer was that? Her head is spinning, and she takes a long beat of silence before she answers. It’s truthful, but she worries it might not be enough. She already looks like a mess. 

     “  Not that often. I mean — it’s not like I would have ... gone to Joja Mart. But we were around in the same town and everything. And ... things were stressful between them and the store. We were pretty limited, in how we spoke. You know, other than when he hit me with his fucking car.  ”

You said that already, dumbass.

five. when did you last see him?

Was he in the saloon that night? Was he? She doesn’t remember much, that much is evident from her alibi. She tries to wrack her brain for the last time she’s certain she saw him: of course, it had been when she’d been gloating over the Mercer’s victory over Joja Mart. Not exactly a good look. Her foot taps on the floor.

     “  He was throwing some kind of tantrum in the middle of town over Joja. No, wait. I think — I think he was also at the saloon, that night. Maybe? But I obviously wouldn’t have talked to him. But I’m not sure if he was there for long, or not. I was occupied with trying to have a nice night. Like, I guess — full disclosure, I was kind of drunk. So, I don’t know. Don’t ... quote me on it. Or I guess do. That’s what this is. — Sorry. I’m a little ... rattled.  ”

six. did anything seem out of the ordinary either in town or in your interactions with mr. haq prior to tuesday, october 6?

Ismail. He’d been weird. Of course he’d been weird, given the circumstances. But — what else constituted as out of the ordinary? 

     “  Uh, I mean — yeah? He’s always seemed pretty stone faced and stuffy or formal or whatever, but he was kicking lamp posts and stuff. Maybe he had a breakdown or something and just ... keeled over from stress. Nothing anyone else did, though. No one seemed ... different. Other than him, I mean. ”

seven. do you know anyone else who might have information pertaining to mr. haq’s death?

Finally, she looks at the mayor, putting sweaty palms atop the table instead of nervously playing with them in her lap. She looks a little frazzled, but her tone is genuine as she speaks with real advice. As much as she hated Ismail.... she wanted to help, really. 

     “  I mean — I don’t. As for ... if he was at the saloon, or who was there or whatever, anyone who was drinking water all night and might have better recollection than I do. I don’t know anything. I didn’t ...  ”

... do anything. See anything. Hear anything. Great defense. 

eight. do you have any other insights or information about the case that you wish to share?

She takes a deep breath, hands falling back into her lap for a moment before she stands up, pushing her chair back to leave before she can even answer the next question. Her eyes point at the floor. 

     “  No. No, I don’t. ”

[destinychose]

Does Giyu like hugs? What are his hugs like?

When he was younger, Giyu used to be the clingy type. His hugs were warm, tight and full of love. To him, hugs were the biggest source of comfort, especially from his older sister, Tsutako. After she died, he shifted his attention to Sabito and latched onto him instead. He didn’t care if he was called a crybaby by his best friend, so long as he was allowed to seek out the comfort he craved.

Needless to say, a lot of that changed after Sabito’s death. Giyu closed his heart to the world that had caused him so much pain and stopped reaching out to those around him. While he never lost that kindness his sister nurtured within him from childhood, his warmth was locked away.

As things stand now, Giyu doesn’t much enjoy physical closeness with others unless he can avoid it, and certainly not for personal fulfilment. These days, embraces are never initiated from his end and are met with stiffness if offered, often going unreciprocated.

However, this is untrue in the iterations of Giyu’s canon verse where he’s in a relationship, such as with to Toshiro ( yeonban ) or with Sabito ( wordwove ).

With Toshiro, while Giyu isn’t always fond of physical affection due to the fact that he closed so much of himself off after losing those he held dear, he slowly begins to open up to it as his relationship with Toshiro deepens. Toshiro is able to tap into the warmth and kindness he’s kept buried for years, coaxing it back to the surface. Eventually, it’ll get to a point where his affectionate side shines through and Giyu’s hugs will last as long as Toshiro ( or circumstances around them ) allows them to.

With Sabito, Giyu isn’t as cold or aloof in verses where he loses him. While he mellows a lot in adulthood, traumatised by the experiences he goes through as a Demon Slayer, he’s quicker to smile, easier to talk to, even gentler than usual. Hugs are offered regularly when the two of them have a chance to be alone, with great attentiveness and affection. He hugs Sabito a lot in his sleep, so good luck trying to get away from him.

Is Giyu good at flirting? How does he flirt?

This perhaps goes without saying, but no, Giyu is not good at flirting. He wouldn’t know where to start, not that he’s ever really in a position where he needs or wants to. He’s much too straightforward for something like that, and any attempts at flirting with him will typically go over his head. If he ever says something remotely smooth, the likelihood is that it was completely by accident and it’s best not to look into it too much.

Is Giyu good at gift-giving or does he struggle to get it right?

In verses where Giyu isn’t in a relationship, his gift-giving is terrible. He doesn’t pay enough attention to those around him for him to be able to succeed at getting things the recipient will like, and it’ll often end in disaster.

However, with Toshiro or Sabito, things are much different. As he pays close attention to both of them in their respective verses, he has a better idea of what the other might like or find practical/enjoyable. Typically, he’s more likely to offer affection as a form of gift as opposed to something materialistic, but he’s not opposed buying a good tea, or something that reminds him of either of them when out on his travels.

Is Giyu quick or slow to give his heart away?

Painfully slow. Giyu does not fall easily, nor does he notice when he’s starting to. He’s buried his emotions so deep, that it’s virtually impossible for him to recognise positive feelings such as love. After all, he equates love with loss ( every person he’s ever cared for, with the exception of Urokodaki, have died ) and tends to keep people at arm’s length for that reason, which is without touching on the fact that he doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of love in the first place.

If someone is able to get past all of that and ease their way into his heart, it will still take him time to come to terms with what he feels for the other and accept it, but acting on it is another thing entirely.

Does Giyu find ‘I love you’ easy or hard to say?

He’ll never say it with words, even if he feels it, not because he finds it hard to say, but due to the fact that the words ‘I love you’ will never hope to hold a candle to what he truly feels. Giyu doesn’t see the point in saying something without meaning, and much prefers to show his partner how he feels instead.

Does Giyu get jealous in a relationship?

Giyu isn’t the type to get jealous in the slightest. He’s much more likely to fear not being good enough for his partner as opposed to getting jealous.

Is Giyu a good kisser? Why / why not?

At first, not at all. He’s awkward, stiff, lacks emotion and doesn’t really know what to do with his hands ( much less his lips ). As his relationship deepens and he warms up to the idea, he’ll start to relax more and properly engage with his partner, but those first few kisses will be rough. Once he begins opening up to his own feelings, kissing becomes easier — it turns into an act of affection that allows him the perfect way to express himself as opposed to attempting to use words, which is something he’s always struggled with.

Who does Giyu love?

In a romantic sense, he loves Sabito ( wordwove ) and, in an alternate verse, Toshiro ( yeonban ) without question. The two of them bring so much light to his life in different ways, and I personally can’t imagine him having better partners. In their respective verses, they’re both there for him at a point in his life where he needs them most and keep him from falling into despair. They help him heal, in different ways, and give him the chance to love and be loved.

In a platonic sense, Giyu has come to love and cherish Kyouka ( florabled ), Tanjiro and Nezuko. He sees them as younger siblings, has witnessed their struggles and cares for them a great deal. There is very little that he wouldn’t do to protect all three of them.

What is Giyu’s ideal date?

Visiting a restaurant to share a meal, or walking through a pretty garden/forest, with either Sabito or Toshiro.

Is Giyu a romantic or a cynic?

Giyu falls somewhere in between — he cares very little for romance, as it’s not something he thinks he’ll ever experience ( nor does he believe he deserves to ), so he certainly can’t be called the romantic type; he wouldn’t have the slightest idea of where to start. However, he’s not exactly cynical either. While he remembers very little about them, Giyu’s parents were very much in love while they were still alive, often going out of their way to show the other that they cared/thought about them. Their kindness, and love for each other, definitely helped shape him as a person, even if a lot of it has gotten buried beneath his crippling survivor’s guilt.

Does Giyu like / use pet names?

Giyu won’t ever use them with a partner, but a lot of his feelings are rather openly conveyed through the tone of his voice and the use of his partner’s given name. So, if you know what to listen for, it’ll be pretty obvious how much his partner means to him.

As for pet names directed at himself, Giyu is largely indifferent at first. He neither dislikes them or likes them. However, over time, he definitely gets used to them and even comes to anticipate them. Once he gets over the fact that he’s allowed to be loved and love someone in return, it feels nice to be called something affectionate by his partner that’s meant just for him.

Does Giyu get protective easily?

Yes, incredibly so. When it comes to those he cares about, whether in a romantic sense or a platonic one, Giyu is fiercely protective of them. After losing so many people he loves, Giyu is, in a sense, frantic to protect those he has left, even if it were to be at the cost of his own life.

In a scenario where death or injury isn’t a threat to his loved ones, Giyu will step in to quietly assist his friends/partner if he thinks they need it, but he isn’t the type to be overbearing unless their lives are at stake. He tends to let his friends/partner stick up for themselves and only act as a back-up when it seems that the situation isn’t taking a turn for the better.