#like putting out these amazing works for FREE???? and the complexity

[lellokitty]

CHAT SHOULD I KILL MYSELF???????????? i took notes while i read and i stg half of them are just me saying “SHOULD I KMS?????” but here are my other thoughts:

1. sera & sukuna i’m in love i love the way they love and how he dgaf but for her he gaf… sera being on yn’s side like IMAGINE if she actually knew all that yn was going thru omg it would be hell on earth for everyone doing yn dirty. also gojo did sera SOOOOOO dirty like so dirty like seriosuly i feel so bad for her for just BELIEVING the man she loved like how was she supposed to know… but im so glad her and sukuna are together now like she truly deserves someone like him

2. i’m glad akemi resigned because we get QUEEN YUKI NOW!!!!!! like im sad for yn but YUKI!!!!!!

3. THE HORSE???? i’m in denial im so upset over that like i was hoping she was just having some angina induced hallucination and that the horse would actually still be alive. i love horses. i know she’s devastated because IM DEVASTATED.

4. it’s so sad that she just keeps thinking she’s a second option and she’s not good enough for those around her and that she should just give up like i need her to have her happy ending i need her to be happy it’s VITAL to me atp… because her and toji’s breakup was so sad because yk they love each other it just won’t work and the fact that HE WAS SAD TOO… hurts so much more

5. i’m glad shoko & geto worked it out and im glad yn is maid of honor!! in a perfect world it would be matron but… also shoko queen PLEASE dgaf abt patient confidentiality and just TELL!!! what’s going on like we as reader know but IT DOESNT MATTER!

6. i read this in class on my phone and i actually turned my phone off laid it face down and covered my face with my hands and took deep breaths when i got to the part about satoru RUSHING TO THE HOSPITAL ONLY TO SEE THE GOODBYE BREAKUP KISS????? SHOULD I KILL MYSELF???? THE MISCOMMUNICATION HERE IS INSANE WHY COULDNT HE HAVE SEEN THE BREAKUP

7. her wanting him back. gen saying he was never here and never will be ???? should i kill myswlf like ????

8. please i need ian to just come clean with satoru like ik he’s trying his best to be impartial and to stand by his wife/her family but jesus christ i need someone to tell gojo and who would it be if not ian??? the way he reacted when gojo said “what kind of mother is she?” i bet he was close to breaking and being like SHUT THE FUCKJKKKKKKK UP YOU DONT EVEN KNOW

and last but not least, 9. i’m gonna kill myself no way he said he’s gonna have akemi help STOP PLAYING HAPPY FAMILY. STOP IT. ian should’ve just told gojo everything then and there

sincerely yours. (10)

↳ gojou satoru/reader

when a twist of fate led their marriage to the path of a quintessential tragic romance, two past lovers go through another series of experiences on love, heartbreak, identity, illness, and trauma along the road to a happily ever after. 

genre. heavy angst, amnesia, modern au, 18+ 

tags/warnings. depression, intoxication, trauma, implied suicide attempt, toxic relationships,

notes. important announcement ! as you all know, this series has always had an extensive approach into detailing the events in its side stories (ie. sera x sukuna x naoya, yuuji x megumi, maki x yuuta x miwa, etc), but while writing the chapters, the word count and the plot building had become too exhausting for me to produce consistently, esp with the amount of scenes and side stories i was introducing to the story, so i've decided it's best for me to stick to the main characters, reader & gojo, and will only add side stories as necessary. this really hurts me knowing that i can't achieve the level of comprehensive writing and world building that i did for sincerely not, but i really want to finish sy as soon as possible and removing a chunk of side stories would be some of the things that'd help me achieve that 😭 i hope you guys understand. hopefully i'll figure out a way to write those side stories instead of completely abandoning them mid-way in this series. but as always, thanks for ur continued support <3

series masterlist -> episode eleven

“It’s a little weird.”

What was supposed to be her bed time had turned into a moment of reflection for Sera who, instead of being fast asleep at this time of the night, had unconsciously brought herself inside Sukuna’s home office to join the up-and-coming tech mogul in his late-night programming. 

She wore her silk pajamas, pacing back and forth in her boyfriend’s office as her mind flew back to the recent encounter she had with her ex-boyfriend. Who knew that Satoru’s kid would look just like a carbon copy of him? No, actually, the question should be: who knew it would be a different woman by his side acting as the mother of his child? Sera had to laugh at herself, shaking her head as she realized how truly and undeniably ridiculous her ex was. It was clear that day that he wasn’t really as loyal of a partner as he claimed himself to be. 

Did he really just go through all those crazy things with you, only to look like a whore-hopping fool now? 

If he was bound to end up with someone else other than you, then why did he have to make Sera’s life miserable in the first place? 

She may have done terrible things before as a selfish and materialistic lover of his, but that wouldn’t change the fact that Satoru also contributed to her role as the side-piece in his marital relationship. He allowed her to cling to him like a mistress. Being his side-piece wasn’t even something that she had forced upon him. It was his promise, an idea that he planted on Sera’s head, saying that she would need to stay by his side and that he would marry her guaranteed that he had already secured the merger and divorced you. He swore like a fool that he would divorce you. But guess what? The jerk ended up falling in love with his wife and suddenly had no use of Sera. Suddenly, he was such a good husband who couldn’t be more loyal. Suddenly, he was a lovestruck man who had always been in love with his childhood friend. If he had downright dumped Sera the moment his engagement was announced, if he had not been prideful and ambitious since the beginning of his marriage, he probably would have had better luck at having that healthy relationship he yearned from you. 

But how come the blame of being the third-party was all on Sera when her only mistake then was loving the person who promised her all the good things in life? 

Now, you see, this was all just bitterness brewing at the back of her head. She knew what she did was still wrong and that she wasn’t innocent. Sera swore to herself that she would never look back on those awful days ever again, but seeing how Satoru was running around freely with a different woman just reminded Sera of his days as a spiteful, two-timing man. Somehow, it felt like he had changed and yet didn’t at all. 

Ha ha ha. How ridiculous was that? 

“What’s funny?” asked Sukuna, her present boyfriend and thankfully so. He was Sera’s blessing, because she never would have thought that a man like him could still exist in a world full of Satoru’s and Naoya’s. “You look cute smiling to yourself, though.”

“I know,” she responded to the compliment, shifting to settle herself on his lap, though his attention remained fixed on his laptop screen. “It's just strange to me,” she continued, her voice thoughtful, “how Gojou appears his usual self, yet there's something off about him.”

The question clouded Sukuna’s eyes in confusion, tilting his head to the side as he tried to comprehend her description. “You mean dude got uglier?”

I wish, Sera thought. “No, he’s… he’s different. The vibes are different. For a second, he even looked like he was dissociating the whole time he was with that girl,” she said, referring to Satoru’s new girl as though she was your cheap alternative, “But then again, why is he with her in the first place if he looks absent-minded the whole time, you know what I mean?” 

“Was he like that with you before?” 

“At times, but it’s not like the way he’s acting right now… I don’t know, I can’t explain it. The energy is off. That’s just not how he acts when he’s really, really into someone.”

To be honest, Sukuna didn’t give a damn about Satoru Gojou’s life and any normal boyfriend wouldn’t really like hearing their girlfriend talking about another man, especially her ex at that, but he knew Sera found joy in old money gossip and he was aware of the demoralizing past she has had by associating herself with them. Sukuna was acting all engaged in their conversation because he wanted to make her feel heard and that he shared her simple joys in life. Besides, it was through her that he learned so many inside scoops about the people that ran the country’s biggest conglomerates. It was like watching one heck of a messy episode of Dynasty. 

“Didn’t he get into a car accident?” he recalled, remembering the headlines on the news that day, “Then, we saw him at the expo and he couldn’t really remember you. The guy’s probably got his head all messed up.” 

Sera was bitter at the time thinking that Satoru was toying with her when he asked who she was, when the truth was, he was actually diagnosed with amnesia. It was such a shock to her, truthfully, because having amnesia felt like something you would only see on a movie’s screen. Well, in that case, she could also say karma’s a bitch. The director might be onto something here.

“He’s probably not mentally fine, but still…” she thought carefully and played the scene in her head again. What was it about the Gojou that she saw the other day that was different? “He just has a different vibe to him that it feels uncomfortable. It’s like he’s rude, but not so rude? He doesn’t have much of a personality anymore. Like a complete stranger.”

“Maybe it’s the new girl rubbing off on him.” Sukuna was back to typing on his laptop as he said that. Frankly, he was just saying anything at this point. 

Sera shook her head in response. “Well, I don’t know about that girl he’s seeing and I don’t really care, but it’s common knowledge to the filthy rich that she’s Y/N’s best friend. That’s why I recognized her right away, and that’s why it disgusted me,” she pressed on, “Tell me, would you—and be honest about this—would you fuck your best friend’s ex?” 

The humor on her boyfriend’s face came right as she asked that. “Babe, you fucked a married man. It’s worse than fucking somebody’s ex.” 

“Shut up.” Rolling her eyes, she got up from his lap and sighed, but Sukuna wasted no time in pulling her back onto his lap. His chuckle was mingling with the gentle kiss he had planted on her cheek, unaware that his actions made Sera’s heart flutter. “Forget it. I shouldn’t even be talking about Satoru with you.”

The man stretched his arms and finally closed his laptop, patting Sera’s thigh afterwards. “On that note, I do have another ‘dude from your past’ that I gotta meet tomorrow.” 

Her reaction alone was a response for him. “Naoya?” she protested, face contorting with disgust. “What for? I told you not to take on that project.”

“Yeah, I considered it, and you know, the partnership could really benefit CleaveTech,” Sukuna reasoned, leaning back as he outlined the situation to her from a business standpoint. Given her own background working for the Gojou Group before, he expected her to grasp the significance of this partnership and set aside any personal grievances or emotional attachments. “The Zen'in Group is a major client. It’s all pros and no cons here.”

“The contra is the guy you’re gonna work with,” she highlighted with a hint of annoyance rising from her throat, “Naoya is nothing but an opportunistic motherfucker. Mind you, he’s a stupid elitist, too.” 

He held back a laugh, not even threatened by a man who had a terrible history with his girlfriend. “Nah, I’ll deal with him. Just trust me on this.” 

As much as Sera wanted to object, she knew Sukuna had a point and that she really shouldn’t hinder his company from being partnered with such a large conglomerate. She just didn’t like the thought of her boyfriend being around a man who manipulated and humiliated her to the point where she had been blacklisted by multiple companies, leaving her to resort to being somewhat of a prostitute just to make ends meet. 

The world was harsh for the not-so-rich, and all Sera wanted was to give those upper class people a taste of their own medicine. But seeing as her desire for revenge would clash with her boyfriend’s chance at company growth, she had to set aside her personal grudge and support him on this one.  

Still, there was nothing wrong with being curious. “Is there any other reason you agreed to this partnership?”

Sukuna smirked as if he expected that question from her. “Blame it on my little brother, he’s been bugging me ‘bout it.”

“Yuuji?” Sera asked, clearly confused. 

To which her boyfriend quickly answered, “Yeah. He said it’ll give him an opportunity to work with his best friend. You know that kid, Fushiguro, right?” 

Ahh. Toji’s kid aka the heir to the Zen’in business empire. Sera had met Megumi before, and while that other brat Mai used to be unreasonably rude to her, the younger boy was always civil and respectful at least. He never even once treated Sera like dirt when she was spending time with Naoya at their mansion. Perhaps their upbringing really differed because he was raised by Toji and the other Zen’ins were raised by demons. 

Nevertheless, with a connection now established between Sukuna and Naoya through Yuuji and Megumi, Sera couldn’t help but feel that her peaceful days as a nouveau riche were about to become far more intriguing. Depending on the cards she would choose to play, they could even turn into a living nightmare. 

— —

You weren’t exactly abandoning your company; you were merely taking a break, a necessary pause given your current mental state after the whole break-up with Toji and the Osaka thing. Your mind was just too overwhelmingly occupied to even properly function. Each day, mustering the energy to show up at Hearte's head office became increasingly challenging, especially when faced with individuals who relied on you for major decisions and creative direction. 

To make matters worse, Akemi’s sudden resignation hit hard.

You received her decision by a simple letter, a mere piece of paper, without even having the guts and decency to meet with you in person. Was she scared? Or was this her way of rubbing salt on the wound, shoving it in your face that she was now taking things to the next level with your ex-husband? 

She did cite in her resignation letter that her reason for resigning from the role was due to conflict of interest. You wanted to laugh when you read that part. No, you wanted to choke in your fit of laughter after reading through her asinine reasons. She could have been upfront and mentioned that the so-called ‘conflict’ was the very man her best friend had previously married. 

Obviously, everyone in the office felt sad knowing that a core member of the company left without at least a 30-day notice, but they were all also aware that her resignation was due to personal albeit controversial reasons. Did Akemi not care about her image at all? The same colleagues she had trained, managed, and collaborated with would now likely gossip about her behind her back. She would become a hot topic of disrespect among the people that once heavily respected her. Did she also not care about the company you two created together anymore? This was the same company you two had passionately dreamed of during your late-night conversations on a New York rooftop. She was the one who wanted to build a fashion house together with you.

Yet, it seemed she was willing to throw it all away for a man already entangled in complicated familial dynamics. Her immediate resignation and refusal to speak to you in person just further confirmed it to you that Akemi was willing to forsake your friendship by choosing a man who already had a child with someone else. 

Since she chose that path, you couldn’t help but interpret Akemi’s actions as a deliberate slight against your friendship. It seemed clear that she no longer viewed you as a friend and was essentially cutting ties with you. Otherwise, why would she take such a step? Akemi wasn’t the type to be vindictive; she likely believed she was sparing you further pain by severing your connection. However, regardless of her intentions, her actions felt deeply disrespectful and hurtful.

If this was what she wanted, then kudos to her and her unbelievable confidence to choose a man like Satoru Gojou. Besides, it didn’t even take you a week to find another replacement. Your family connections were powerful after all. You readily had a pool of potential candidates for the role of the Head of Sales, Retail, and Merchandising—all from prestigious backgrounds and unparalleled expertise. While the competition was tough, you selected the person you deemed was the most qualified to be your second-in-command. This was someone you had esteemed since college, a person who excelled in both business acumen and creative vision.

Yuki Tsukumo. She was influential in every sense, and you trusted that she would be able to manage the high pressure environment of a start-up fashion house and transform it into an iconic brand, a household name that would one day rival Chanel and Miu Miu. 

You may have succeeded in replacing Akemi. You may have shown her that her position in the workforce was easily replaceable, but her role as your friend still left a lingering, repugnant mark that proved far more difficult to erase. This underlying sentiment could explain the unreasonable anger festering in your heart—a visceral reaction born from feelings of backstabbing betrayal. 

It was hard enough for you to travel all the way to Osaka with a broken heart, but it became much more agonizing to watch your own son run up to Akemi like she was his mother. It was a goddamn slap to your face, indeed, to see that your ex-husband had already chosen a woman to have his happy, little family with. That he wanted to be a good man and be everything you wished for in a husband for her. 

As they say, nothing hurts more than building a man for another woman. 

And honestly? You cried so much on the way home that you became numb. Now, you were just trying to get over it. You were trying to bury the searing pain in order to forget the betrayal you felt. It was all too much for a person to handle and it wasn’t like you hadn’t gone through the same old shit before. Wasn’t it worse before with Satoru actually cheating and all? He technically wasn’t crossing any lines here, so it shouldn’t hurt you. It shouldn’t. You had been here before. If you had managed to get through such an awful time as his previous wife, his relationship with Akemi shouldn’t be too hard to accept. No, you weren’t trying to lowball your pain, but it was better to be an optimist in this situation than be a suicidal, self-destructive person. You had a business to run and a child to raise. You had to be strong. 

Or at least, that was what you told yourself. That was what you had been telling yourself over and over, each time you got up from bed forcing yourself to have a false positive mindset. In fact, that was also why you had to take this extended break because you had to have your peace of mind. You had to have some form of release to remember why you needed to stay alive and keep yourself going.

Not just for Sachiro’s sake, but also for your own. 

Your safe haven for now was at the horse ranch, where the tranquility of riding and the beauty of nature provided the perfect ambiance for reflection. How long has it been since your last visit to Willow? Your father had been joking that you shouldn’t be leaving a beautiful, white Friesian horse unattended for years, especially not for the expensive price he paid her for. True enough, because the moment you saw the mare again, you almost forgot how majestic she was for her breed. Willow was a completely docile and graceful horse, so alike to you in many ways. However, one thing that was unlike you, was that she lived in peace, existing solely for herself and not for anyone else.

If only you could be like her. 

As you reached out to stroke your rare-breed horse, a new and unfamiliar stallion in the stable caught your eye. To think of it, your family shared this equestrian estate with the Gojou family. This realization meant that the strikingly elegant and tall gray horse in the adjacent stall belonged to none other than Satoru.

“It’s a Thoroughbred,” the equine caretaker informed while guiding your horse out of the stable, “Mr. Satoru got him recently and named him Six.” 

A gray Thoroughbred, renowned as the most expensive horse breeds out there. It could fetch a price as high as $70 million, and of course, Satoru was the perfect owner for such a prestigious horse. The stallion embodied his essence completely—its color, its build, its rarity. On the other hand, you couldn’t help but find his naming convention by number a bit odd. His previous black stallion was named Eight. This time around, it was Six. Couldn’t he be more imaginative?

“He’s beautiful,” you mumbled, nonetheless, in awe with the regality of the horse. 

“He’s a good boy, too,” added the enthusiastic horsekeeper in a thick country accent, “Mr. Satoru was here yesterday and played polo while riding him. They were perfectly in sync even if it was his first time riding him.”

Of course, he would play polo. That was one of his favorite recreational sports. The burning question at hand was, who was with him during his visit? Because if the caretaker mentioned Akemi, you would certainly lose it. This was your private space with him. This estate was a place that none of his other women had access to, not even Sera. This was a location filled with memories from your childhood. For him to bring another woman here would be crossing the damn line. 

“Did he bring anyone with him?” you asked, trying to sound casual as you dusted off your boots. 

The caretaker denied. “No, he was alone. He just came to play polo and check the horses he recently bought.” 

Oh… “He bought more than one?” 

Did he seriously get Akemi her own horse? Your heart was racing at the thought, but the caretaker led you to the stable near the exit to show you the other horse than your ex-husband had purchased. It was a brown Shetland pony. 

“He got a fully trained Shetland for your son,” the horsekeeper proudly declared, showcasing the pony as if he had been instructed to do so in anticipation of your visit. It was obvious that Gojou had already briefed him on introducing Sachiro’s new pony to you because he knew you would be asking about it. “His name is Elmo. He is kid-safe and very friendly.”

Frankly, you wanted to sigh in relief, but at the same time, it warmed your heart to know that Satoru got his son his own horse at such a young age. You could already sense him planning to make Sachiro take equestrian classes when he gets older, and probably join him on his horseback riding sessions, too. You could imagine just how perfect it would be to see the father and son bonding here, racing together, playing polo together… yet it would not be you who would be watching them on the side.  

This future he was setting up with his son would be an experience he would share with Akemi. 

There was no you in that vision anymore. 

The caretaker likely questioned your sanity when he noticed the bitter smile on your face as you mounted your mare. He might have even doubted whether you were sane enough to ride alone, without a guide, particularly through the woods since Willow had not been ridden for some time now. However, you had done it countless times before and were quite familiar with the trail, and so you dismissed his offer to lead you and assured him confidently that you knew your way back.

You needed this solitude. You craved this moment of peace, alone with your thoughts and surrounded by nature, to reflect on the ceaseless torture of your life. It was just never-ending, squeezing every drop of happiness out of your system to make sure that you would only live to suffer. You really thought you had your happy ending with someone else? You actually believed you had found the perfect man to be your actual husband? 

Well, unfortunately for you, Toji was not the one. 

At first, your mind flew to Toji as you went on to the trail, allowing the mare to continue trotting as you held the reins to control her. You remembered Toji’s text that morning, asking you for the hundredth time if he could meet with you. He likely wanted to apologize in person, but you doubted he would change his mind and take back the things he said. Because they were true. He could never fill the void left by his deceased wife by being with another empty soul. It was painfully, unmistakably true. You were better off dead if that was the case, because even if you did end up marrying him, you would never be regarded as the person he loved the most. After all, your role in this world seemed to always be the second option. You were never the first in other people’s books. Not with your ex-husband. Not even with your family, especially with Gen around. You were meant to be a bystander, watching others live their perfect lives while you were forced to be in your misery. Someone like Toji would not have a guaranteed blissful marriage with you and you had to spare him from that. You had to draw the line and step back from this charade that you were playing with him, knowing that you were never the right person to be with him, so at some point, you had to accept his drunken words. They came from a place of truth, and that truth would set the both of you free. 

Even it hurt. Even if it fucking hurt to hear his words. You couldn’t deny them. 

You could easily forgive him, but his words might take a while for you to forget because even thinking about it now was bringing a wave of pain into your chest. You didn’t even notice that you were losing control on Willow’s reins by the time you entered further into the woods, bouncing on the saddle as you galloped along the challenging path. With the speed you were riding right now, inexperienced riders would certainly find it unsafe and scary. But for you? It was just what you needed. The breeze of fresh air, the thrill of riding alone, the peaceful sound of nature—you could die there and be at your happiest. 

Maybe that was where you had to be; to disappear and leave them all behind. Wouldn’t that be best for everyone? If you were to vanish, they could finally be free. Your presence, even from the beginning, was a burden for everyone—for your dad, Gen, Satoru, Toji, and even Akemi. The people you trusted the most would be the same people who would secretly celebrate your demise. So, what else was hindering you from taking matters into your own hands and ending it all yourself?

“Giddy up!” 

Was it Sachiro? Definitely. But now he had his father, and he was likely starting to see Akemi as a mother figure as well. Your role as his beloved mama could be easily replaced if you were to leave him now. It wouldn’t hurt him as much that way. Three years with Sachiro seemed sufficient enough, and he was at an age where he could grow up alongside his father. In this short span, he would have lasting memories with you, yet not enough to deeply grieve your absence. He was a young child, surrounded by people who would offer the whole world to him. At least, for that, you were eternally grateful. It brought you comfort knowing that your son would have support after you were gone, and that he would find a mother figure in Akemi. Given the brief time he spent with you and the rest of his life with her as his stepmother, Sachiro would likely come to love and accept Akemi as his own mother. This was the best outcome you could hope for.

My child, my son, my baby… please don’t get mad at mommy. 

Tears were gushing out of your eyes and you hadn’t even realized it until they started blurring your vision. You were far too lost in your own thoughts, unaware that you were now in an unfamiliar and seemingly dangerous part of the trail. The path was getting a little bit too steep and poor Willow was clearly stressed at your inconsiderate handling. There were multiple obstacles on your rocky terrain and you weren’t as steady and controlled as you wanted to be because the horse wasn’t comfortable navigating such a difficult path with the pace you were forcing her to.  

“Ah!” 

Your attempt to balance was interrupted by Willow’s loud neigh, signaling her distress before she bolted into a full rampage. She was sprinting at an estimated speed of 20 miles per hour. Not even a skilled rider like Satoru himself would be cantering that fast on unfamiliar terrain and an unfit horse. But you, you clearly had a death wish, because instead of fearing for your own life, you were far more concerned at the thought of how dreamy Satoru and Akemi’s wedding would look like after your demise. They would definitely make Sachiro their ringbearer. Suguru would be the best man. Shoko, the maid of honor. People on the internet would praise them for being an attractive couple. They would anticipate their beautiful kids together, living in the same mansion he bought as a gift to you. He would kiss her good night, tell her loves her, and offer the whole world to her. They would exchange vows and promise themselves a lifelong commitment to be by each other’s side through sickness and in health, and only in death would they part. 

“Willow!” 

You let out a shriek as the reins slipped from your grasp, causing you to tumble off the saddle and crash onto the ground. The impact was first felt in your elbow, and a sharp, searing pain then radiated through your body. There you lay, sprawled on the dirt, helplessly watching Willow galloping out of control up the mountain, and then tragically plummeting off a cliff.

“Nooo! Willow, no!”

Utter hysteria overtook you. You sobbed uncontrollably, unable to determine which pain was more agonizing—the clearly broken elbow, the loss of the horse you had inadvertently led to its death, or the heart-wrenching reality of Satoru starting a family with someone else.

You were pathetic. You were such a pathetic excuse of a human being and this was why you deserve hell. 

“Willow!” 

Toji couldn’t love you. Your own son didn’t want to be around you. Satoru had gotten over you. And now, you drove a poor innocent horse to its demise because of your recklessness! 

You were crying hysterically as you held your pained elbow, crawling by the cliff’s edge as you screamed for your horse’s name, but in the end, there was nothing you could do. You could only apologize to poor Willow for having such an irresponsible owner, and now she was dead because of you. 16 years of her life, she was able to live in peace until you came and ruined it all for her. It should have been you. You were the one who should have jumped off a cliff. You should atone for your sins and follow her, but you were too weak, far to overcome by the excruciating pain on your hip and your broken elbow to move or do anything at all. 

That was, until your mind had completely shut down, leaving you as a mere body to be discarded alone in the darkness of the woods. You hoped that no one else would find you soon. 

— —

“A-Angina?” Satoru’s eyes went wide. His whole world stopped before him.

“Yes. She was diagnosed with stable angina,” Dr. Mori confirmed, much to your husband’s horror. “But there is another factor that requires her to have more rest. You need to take good care of your wife, Mr. Gojou. Her body needs a lot of nutrients so she can carry safely.”

He could barely process the whole thing in his head because the news kept coming one after another, leaving him in a befuddled state with a flood of unanswered questions running through his mind. “What do you mean…?”

“Your wife is seven weeks pregnant.”

…

…

“Y/N?”

“Y/N!”

“Are you out of your mind?!” 

You could barely pry your eyes open, but when you finally managed to, you were met with the concerned expression on Gen’s face. The harsh glare of fluorescent lights and the antiseptic scent confirmed to you that you were in the ER, likely an hour or two after the incident in the woods. The memory of the trail quickly flooded your thoughts, and a pang of sorrow gripped your heart as you recalled Willow's final moments before she fell off the cliff. The poor horse had lost her life, while the one responsible for her tragic death remained alive, save for the bandage wrapped around your arm.

“Why did you ride into the woods alone?” Gen persisted with her barrage of questions, standing by your bed as you attempted to sit up. “Are you suicidal or what? Riding your horse in a dangerous trail like that—”

“You know what, maybe I should have just died back there!” you snapped, wincing from the pain in your elbow. Her choice of words struck a nerve in you. “Maybe I’d prefer that over sitting here, listening to your sanctimonious lecture like you're so perfect yourself! How obnoxious.”

“Then, maybe you shouldn’t be riding so recklessly and causing alarm to everyone else!” 

“Did I literally ask you to come save me?!” 

The atmosphere around you two just became even more uninviting, with discomfiting silence seeping through as you and Gen were engaged in a sharp glaring contest. Your father stood behind her, clearing his throat to cut the tension. 

“That’s enough, Gen.” Your dad placed a hand on her shoulder, and although she wanted to protest, she knew better not to keep stirring the pot after receiving his strict gaze. “Let’s just be thankful your sister is safe. There’s no need to be so overwhelming.” 

You rolled your eyes, drawing in a deep breath before you looked away from them. None of them would ever understand your pain unless they were in your position. They didn’t carry the same baggage as you, so they would never fully comprehend the weight of your suffering. You had already dealt with similar pain on your own before and that was why you didn’t need any of them to come to your aid, meddling with your life like they knew exactly what you were going through. “Just leave me alone, you guys. I wanna rest.”

Since when did your relationship with your sister start to get rough? It wasn’t really like this before, but ever since she started to become too overprotective over you and your choices in life, particularly choices linked to Satoru, Gen had started to become insufferable in your eyes. She was acting too much like a mother; controlling your decisions, lecturing you about your personal relationships, being too involved with your private life. There, ever since that, you started to distance yourself from her, and she didn’t like that. Her stubbornness wouldn’t allow her to cease acting like this mature, picture perfect big sister to you. 

With that said, Gen would have normally gotten annoyed when you asked them to leave you alone, but this time around, she seemed to have reflected on her insensitivity a lot better with your father around. “I’m sorry, okay?” she said, her tone still tinged with stubbornness, “I just got worried. I don’t know what’s gotten into you to put yourself in danger like that, but… please, Y/N. If you’re going through something, you can always speak to us. Dad and I, we’re here for you.” 

To be fair, if you had to put yourself in their shoes, it really would have been alarming to know that your sister almost died. This wasn’t the first time you were at death’s door either, so they were probably scared shitless when they were informed of your situation. Your absolutely reckless situation. You didn’t mean to cause a scene, neither did you intend to bother them on their already busy schedules. You just had so many things in your mind while you were horseback riding, too engulfed by your own sorrow that you didn’t realize the repercussions after the incident had already taken place. 

“I’m sorry, too.” Your voice softened with humility. “I didn’t mean to worry you guys. It was just really an accident.” 

Of course, Gen suspected it was more than just an accident. Your dad did, too. It was obvious on their forlorn faces that they were worried for your mental and emotional well-being, but none of them dared address the elephant in the room. It seemed they didn’t need to, anyway, since one of the many reasons that contributed to your earlier breakdown took a peek from behind the curtains, clearing his throat and sending you a look of sympathy. 

“Y/N?” Toji looked at your father and your sister for approval before stepping further inside your space in the ER. “Can I talk to you?” 

There was no escaping Toji’s presence anymore. No more hiding, no more avoiding. You knew you had to have this talk with him no matter how many times you ignored his flood of texts and calls. While this may have struck as an opportune moment for him to speak to you in person, facing the painful truth of your situation weighed heavily on you. Besides, hadn’t the irony presented itself right there? If Satoru were the one trying to speak to you, even if he was the father of your child, Gen would have been quick to lash out at him. Yet with Toji, even with the general knowledge of what had transpired between you two, your sister still showed no hostility towards him, allowing him to approach you freely and without interference.

But then again, Toji was far from being a cheating, manipulative scumbag who not only caused you suffering but also sought to selfishly acquire your family’s company. Therefore, he wasn’t considered a threat. 

Alright, then. Since Toji genuinely wasn’t a threat to your current emotional state, you agreed to talk with him. It was the first time you had seen the not-so-confident side of Toji Zen’in. He was typically a man of virtue, often holding his chin high, offering the best advice, and having insightful perspectives on life. However, it seemed you had shattered that confidence in him. You could sense his cautiousness around you as he stood by your side in the ER, assisting you with your needs, and eventually agreeing to your request to walk you to the rooftop garden.

“I don’t really think there’s anything else we should talk about.” It was you who first broke the silence, staring at the cityscape while sitting on a wheelchair. The calm breeze allowed your mind to seize the moment with a peaceful mind. “I already heard what you had to say.” 

Toji found it better to kneel down in front of you to meet your eyes as he spoke to you in a sincere and earnest voice. “Y/N, I was drunk when I said all that shit back there. I didn’t mean them. I didn’t mean to hurt you with my callous words, and I feel awful that you had to hear them from me. You trusted me. You sought comfort from me. I wasn’t thinking like a normal person when those things came out of my mouth.” 

“That doesn’t mean they weren’t true,” you replied with quiet resignation. It was the acceptance in your face that seemed to have caused Toji’s heartbroken gaze. “It’s okay, Toji. I think, when you said all those things, it actually made me realize some aspects of our relationship that had to be addressed. It made me more self-aware and it opened my eyes on the bigger picture.” You touched his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze as you mustered the courage to speak your next words. “It’s for the best that we part ways. It’s not fair to me to become a placeholder for your wife the same way it isn’t fair to you to have to deal with my ex-husband always being present in my life. Our unresolved feelings won’t really be resolved by being together.”

“Y/N…” Toji’s voice hinted at his vulnerable emotions, though he restrained himself from showing it fully. And you didn’t miss the apologetic look he had presented to you. “Despite all that, I hope you know that I’d been true to you. I do love you and will always love you. I’ll always be someone you can rely on, someone you can seek comfort from, someone you can turn to when you need help…” 

Damn it. Why did he have to make it sound like an actual break up? Now, it tugged at your heartstrings and hit you in a place it shouldn’t have. You weren’t good at these things and it certainly was your first time dealing with such a mature and mutual separation, but wasn’t that a good thing? No further drama was to happen, leaving a stark comparison to your separation with Satoru. While this one didn’t hurt as much, it still brought a hollow feeling in your chest. 

“Same for me,” you agreed, displaying a weak smile. “You’ll always have a spot in my heart, Toji. I’ll always be grateful that I met you.” 

Sometimes, two people didn’t need to be together to love each other. Friendships could still thrive between ex-lovers, and that was why closure was so important. It not only closed a certain chapter of your life in a healthy way, but also allowed you to heal and open yourselves to a new beginning without any bitterness left behind. 

It shouldn’t be considered bad to remain friends with an ex. It also shouldn’t be bad to give a parting kiss from said ex, right? 

You weren’t the one who initiated it, after all. It was Toji’s hand that gently stroked your cheek. It was him, who leaned forward and pressed his lips onto yours. It wasn’t forceful, but neither was it passionate. It was simply a tender kiss of goodbye, feeling the warmth of each other’s lips for one last time before you two would transition from being lovers to friends. What you didn’t understand from this supposedly bittersweet moment was the faint tears that somehow managed to escape your eyes, perhaps because you knew that once Toji left, you would be alone again. 

You had no one by your side to love you, cherish you, choose you, and offer their entire world for you. You were meant to live this cruel world all by yourself. 

As he pulled away, he pressed his forehead against yours. “Please learn to love yourself before anyone else, Y/N. It’s what you need and what you deserve.” 

That night, while you were getting your MRI, your mind kept flying to the possibilities of a future without having anyone by your side. Any normal person would tell you to focus on loving yourself first, as Toji did recently, focusing on what matters most, and ridding yourself of the toxic things that hinder you from moving forward with your life. Things weren’t as easy as they sounded. Besides, it was different being on the receiving end of the said advice. How could you do those things when the primary cause of your pain was someone whose life would always be linked to yours forever? 

Based on the result of your MRI scans, your doctor recommended that you undergo elbow arthroscopy. It was just a minimally invasive procedure compared to open surgeries, but considering how much of an overthinker your dad was when it came to your health, he insisted on your confinement at the hospital until you had been completely cleared of any other issues. He really placed a big deal on your condition and emphasized to the doctors that they make sure nothing was missed. It could have been worse; you could have had a broken hip or a fractured leg, but at least you only had a dislocated elbow. Nothing that couldn’t be easily corrected by surgery and physical therapy. 

The decision was for you to stay there for two days, and on your first night, a crying Sachiro ran inside your private room because his ‘mama has a boo boo’. Gen said he was picked up from daycare and dropped off at the hospital because the poor kid was looking for you. She didn’t mention who dropped your son off to you, but you could tell it was Satoru. You could sense it by the glances she exchanged with Ian after you asked how Sachiro came to the hospital. 

So, in that case, Satoru must have found out about your little incident and didn’t care enough to see you. Did he not even have an ounce of care anymore? Or was it Gen who stopped him from seeing you? 

“Did you ask him to leave?” you confronted Gen in a mellow voice, rubbing Sachiro’s back as he snuggled into you on the hospital bed. 

Your sister knew exactly which man you were referring to, and she denied having done such. “No, I didn’t even talk to him. He took Sachi here and left.” 

You didn’t know why you looked at Ian to confirm the truth of his wife’s words, but hurt yourself upon seeing his bowed head. It was an apologetic expression that did signify your ex-husband’s blatant act of ignoring you. To hear about your near-death experience and simply leave without even checking on you should be your wake-up call. He didn’t care anymore. No, why should he care? He had Akemi. His only responsibility with you was to be a supportive father to your son. 

Why did the pain in your heart feel far more agonizing than the discomfort on your dislocated elbow?

If anything, you wanted to ask for the strongest anesthetic they could offer to numb your pain. You were desperate to have anything even if they had to put you into an eternal sleep. That would have been much easier to deal with than feeling disregarded by a person you supposedly had moved on from. Satoru did nothing wrong here. It was you who had that expectation, only to disappoint yourself when things didn’t happen as you imagined. 

And just when you thought things would get better as long as you ignore your torturous thoughts, it didn’t help that being in the hospital kept giving you flashbacks of the time you were in this exact room, hearing Satoru crying helplessly from outside and begging for you not to terminate his child. What comes around certainly goes back around. Or worse. 

Such depressive thoughts had you occupied throughout your stay there, and your unusual placidness alarmed the nurses instead of being assured that you were doing well. You heard your doctors telling your father and sister to always keep a close eye on you as the incident may not seem serious, but the trauma would undoubtedly be present somewhere and somehow. Were they aware? Of your intrusive thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself? 

The elbow arthroscopy was successful and by the second day, you were free to go home. You were placed on certain medications to help with the swelling and the pain, and while you were walking around the hospital with a listless mind, you happened to pass by the Obstetrics and Gynecology Department. What a deja vu it was, remembering the time you had seen Satoru there waiting outside for Sera. Back then, it was one of the climactic events in your life that led to a domino effect on the downfall of your marriage. Not that you were reminiscing, but it did remind you that Shoko was probably there in her consultation room and it would be nice to talk to a friend who had witnessed the wild history of your marriage. 

You asked Gen to wait for you in the car while you headed to Ieiri’s consultation room, assuring your visibly worried sister that everything was fine and that you wouldn’t take too long. You had to give Gen some slack, because despite the strains in your relationship as sisters, she was still always there for you. At the end of the day, she was family. 

Shoko, on the other hand, was the next closest thing you had for a sister. She welcomed you inside her room in a very worried embrace, telling you that if she had known about the incident, she would have gone straight to your hospital room on your first day, but you told her not to worry about it and understood that being in the medical field already had her schedule tight. 

“Well, I guess it’s perfect that you’re here, too.” Shoko smiled warmly, sitting behind her desk. She had exciting news to offer, it seemed. “I just wanna say that… of course, I’ll still be sending you a formal invitation and everything. I actually have a few gifts along with it.” 

You shared her enthusiasm. “Hmm… is it what I think it is?” 

The wedding. The most eventful day of her life would be arriving soon and you were the first one to hear it. 

“Yes!” she answered, with the utmost joy coruscating from her eyes. “I want you to be my maid-of-honor, Y/N. I’d be extremely happy if you could make it. I know you just got into an accident, but it won’t be until two months, so—”

“Hey, it’s okay.” You eased her worries by chuckling. “I’m completely fine, of course I’ll be there. I can’t miss it.” 

Shoko was grateful to hear your answer, relieved even, because by asking you to be her maid-of-honor, you should already understand who Suguru’s best man would be. That was a touchy subject for you and she was keenly aware of it, but you didn’t want her to worry. You didn’t want your relationship with your ex-husband to have a negative impact on the relationship of all the other people surrounding the both of you. It was already bad enough that Shoko and Suguru almost called off their engagement after they fought over their morals as you and Satoru’s friends, and you were glad that they somehow made things work. They somehow set aside their disagreements and ultimately chose their love over anything else. 

Their love was beautiful, and while that wasn’t something you could easily have, it was something you deeply admired. 

“Where are you guys planning to hold your wedding?” you asked, steering the conversation away from any mention of your ex-husband. “Here or overseas?” 

She delighted you with her answer, sounding as if this was the perfect wedding she had always dreamed of. “It’s an intimate wedding on the lakeside. Suguru chose the location, actually, since he wanted our wedding to have the view of Mount Fuji.” 

“That’s perfect,” you said with wide eyes. “Lake Kawaguchiko?” 

“Yep. That’s exactly where it’d be.” She smiled with her eyes. “You know this resort… Hoshinoya Fuji? We already booked the place, and we have a luxury cabin for friends and families to stay at.” 

You had been there before, but you were too young to remember. All you knew was that it was a high-end resort that had the best panoramic views of Lake Kawaguchiko and Mount Fuji. The hotel owner was also a close friend of the Gojou family, so that was probably why they were able to rent the entire place for the wedding, especially at a peak season for tourists. 

Since the fall season was arriving, you could only imagine the stunning views of the autumn foliage there. It offered the perfect weather, too. It wouldn’t be as hot as summer, nor as freezing as winter. Surely, it would be nice to do some nature walks and stargazing, maybe ride a boat or bathe in a hot spring. You looked forward to it, except for the fact that your ex-husband would also be there. 

And just what a perfect timing it was, because as Shoko sorted through her patients' medical records above her desk, a file slipped from the pile, revealing the name of your very friend, Akemi. 

“Oh,” Shoko murmured apologetically as she retrieved the record, not wanting to ruin the mood of your conversation. “She, uh, came by a few days ago... with Gojou.”

You didn’t need to ask. You didn’t need to hear any further detail. Akemi’s visit likely revolved around her desire to conceive, as she wouldn’t have visited Shoko otherwise. Why? If it were simply to monitor her polycystic ovary, why did she choose Shoko instead of her own gynecologist? Thinking of how your ex-husband and best friend were attempting to start a family together left your heart shattered in unimaginable pieces, stirring up painful memories of your pathetic marriage with Satoru and reopening old wounds you thought had already healed from. Wasn’t it ironic that a couple of years ago, you were crying over the same situation with Sera? 

You couldn’t stand this feeling anymore. You thought you had already freed yourself from the pain of loving him, yet here you were suffering from the same heartbreak over and over and over again. Tears threatened to spill, but you held them back, the ache in your chest too raw to confront just yet. 

“It’s funny.” Although you displayed an outward smile, the sadness in your voice reflected your otherwise inward thoughts. You didn’t know why you said that. You were just too… too emotional. Almost like you couldn’t breathe. “He was never this passionate with me. They seem so in love.” 

Ieiri’s eyes carried sisterly concern in them. “Y/N, it’s not really what you think.” 

Was it? You weren’t sure what to feel anymore. You certainly weren't there to hear it anymore, either. Satoru chose her, just like what you wanted for him to do. Just like what you asked him to do. He had moved on, he had found someone who would love him for who he was, he had chosen the woman he would share the rest of his future with. Call yourself ridiculous for even feeling hurt about it, because you had no right to be and you definitely chose this. Either you own up to it, or you cry about it for the rest of your life. 

Both choices had no happy endings. 

— —

When Satoru learned about your incident in the woods, he thought he was going to lose his mind. 

Was it out of love that he swiftly left the office in the middle of a meeting just to get to where you were? 

He still had to pick up Sachiro from daycare, and he felt bad telling his son on the way to the hospital that his mother was hurt. It actually gave Satoru a hard time explaining to the 3-year old that they had to go to the hospital because his mommy was there and that she had an unfortunate encounter while riding a horse. 

“Dada, is… is mama okay?” Sachiro pouted with wide, tearful eyes as he clung to his father’s hand. “Sachi wants to go to mama!” 

“She’ll be okay, Sachi.” Gojou carried his son and soothed him as they went inside the hospital, searching for you. “Mommy’s strong, remember?” 

Was it out of love that he wanted to be the person that brought your son to you when you most needed him? 

According to the nurse, your room was on the seventh floor, but when he got there, your room was empty. It was Ian who told him that you went up the rooftop garden to get some fresh air, insisting that if Satoru wanted to go and talk to you, that it was best to leave Sachiro with them. 

And so he did. He ran hastily, almost out of breath, until he reached the rooftop, scanning every face within the vicinity until his tired blue eyes finally landed on you. 

Satoru laughed in disbelief. He scoffed bitterly, with each breath full of disgust. The tips of his fingers felt cold, while his breathing grew thin and ragged. He could feel his stomach clenching at the humiliation of seeing you engaged in an intimate make-out session with Toji Zen’in. 

How sickeningly sweet. 

At that point, he was laughing at his own expense, ignoring the elderly lady who looked at him like he was a crazy person. He stood there frozen for a few minutes, watching you kiss another man before it finally woke him up from reality. 

It was out of love that he let you go. 

You see? This was where his attachment to you would lead him. It was pure and unreasonable selfishness, but he would gain nothing at all from even seeing you. He didn’t need to care for you at all, no. You had Toji. You seemed to be goddamn happy with your life with Toji. And what a romantic fucking moment that was, too. 

Satoru couldn’t think straight when he hurriedly left the hospital and got inside his car. He desperately wanted to forget the painful image of you locking lips with somebody else. How? How would he? Fuck! He was mad, mad at himself for choosing to come to your aid like he still had any role in your life. He was disgusted at himself for ignoring Akemi’s calls after promising her a movie date after work. He couldn’t believe he had her waiting all by herself in that cinema, waiting for him to come while he was stupidly running around the hospital to see his ex-wife. 

You chose Toji, then you better be happy. Satoru hoped you were happy, and that wish came from a place of genuineness. He genuinely hoped the best for you. Because for him, it was time to fully let go and stop himself from trying to be the superhero whenever you were in danger. You weren’t his wife anymore. 

So, was it out of love that he headed straight to Akemi’s apartment that night with a bouquet of red roses? 

She didn’t know what happened nor was she given the full detail as to why he unintentionally stood her up on their date night. He had just briefly explained that he had to drop Sachiro off to you at a hospital because you got into a small accident. Akemi, being your friend, got immediately worried upon hearing the situation and asked if Satoru was able to check on you. 

He said no. He said Toji was there. He said he left as soon as dropped Sachiro off. 

And in an effort to apologize for not paying attention to the current woman in his life, Satoru pulled Akemi in a tight embrace. He held her in her arms, drunk from the sweet and citrusy notes of her perfume, before pulling away to kiss her. He kissed her with the same passion as you did with Toji. Perhaps even more, even better. He completely devoured her lips, with a hand on her cheek and the other on her waist. The taste of her tongue was sweet like strawberries, while her lips were red like cherries. 

This woman was all he needed. 

But was this love? He didn’t know. It was too soon to tell, too early to answer, too hasty to even consider. 

— —

The current situation you were in reminded you of your younger self after your mother had died. It was the same before; you never left the house, often locking yourself in your room, shutting yourself off from the world, and drowning yourself with the pain and loneliness of losing somebody important. 

Sure, no one really died for you to be acting this way right now, but the feeling was still the same. Was this really a comeuppance to all of your wrongdoings before? But just how terrible were you of a person to be hit by this unbelievable truckload of sorrow? You might as well spur on the physical pains of your angina again if this torment continued. Otherwise, how else do you avoid it? 

You were being a terrible mother, too. You were too engrossed by your own misery that you couldn’t even properly take care of Sachiro. He didn’t deserve to have an incompetent and irresponsible mother like you. He deserves someone better, someone like Akemi, who not only has all the motherly traits a woman should have, but also the physical and mental capacity of being a true, strong woman. 

Sachiro was bound to have that, anyway. Now that his father was planning his lifelong journey with another woman, and now that he was trying to build a happy family with her, you were no longer needed in the picture. There was no need for you. 

How many more times would you tell that you have accepted it? 

Because, god be damned, you knew you couldn’t. You knew you were lying to yourself when you said everything was fine, lying to Satoru when you told him you didn’t need him in your life anymore, lying to Toji for telling him that you wanted to marry him, lying to Akemi that you didn’t care if she was seeing your ex-husband, and lying to Sachiro when you promised to him that you would never leave his side. You were a liar. A terrible liar. A pitiful, terrible liar. 

How would you tell the universe that you couldn’t take it anymore? That, for once, you wanted to be showered by happiness and all the good things in life? 

Sera was right. Not everyone could have it all. There were people of lesser fortune who weren’t blessed to live a lavish life like you, yet still work hard to achieve what they want. Why couldn't you achieve your own happiness without blaming it on the universe? If this was simply a lesson, then weren’t you the top student at this rate? 

God. God, help me. You really didn’t know how to deal with this life anymore. You weren’t sure how to proceed. You couldn’t rely on anything other than the bottle of alcohol on your hand—what was once full was now half empty after you took another swig. This was your second bottle already, wasn’t it? Or third? 

You got up from the floor and failed to walk in a straight line as you made your way towards the balcony. Your steps were unsteady, wavering like a leaf caught in a gentle breeze. With each attempt to move forward, your body swayed from side to side, struggling to maintain balance. You almost lost grip of the bottle you were holding. No, it did, in fact, slip from your hand and ended up crashing into the floor. Shards of glass lay across the ground, ready to pierce the soles of your feet to mirror the same physical pain your heart was experiencing. 

“Stop,” you muttered under your breath, begging for your chest to stop hurting. But it only worsened, and your antidote to that was to wash it down with even more liquor. No matter how expensive it was, you didn’t even like the taste of alcohol. You hated the sting on your throat whenever you drank it. You despised the bitterness it left on your tongue. However, it did great at numbing your emotions. 

It just felt wrong in many ways that you were seeing Satoru’s face whenever you closed your eyes. You could see his smile, his loving eyes, his beautiful lips. You missed his embrace, his kiss, his touch. You missed hearing his I love you’s. Him. You missed him. You yearned for him. Three goddamn years, and you were still undeniably in love with him. 

“Satoru…” you cried, sitting on the floor. Each breath made it harder and harder for you to catch as tears continued to stream down your face. You were tired of pretending, denying that you no longer had feelings for him when you knew deep down that you would always choose him. “S-Satoru… come back to me, please.”

Was it him coming inside your room? Or was it your vision making a fool out of you? 

“Baby, what are you doing?” Satoru’s expression was engulfed in immense worry as he knelt down and reached out to you, touching your cheek and looking at your eyes somberly. “Don’t do this yourself, Y/N.” 

Your head hung low, your gaze unfocused and glazed, as you fought to keep your eyes on the path ahead. You had to reach him. You wanted to touch him, hug him. And despite your best efforts, your movements were disjointed and erratic, betraying the effects of the alcohol coursing through your veins.

“Y/N, that’s enough.” Gen had to use force just to be able to snatch the bottle away from you, forcing you to wake up to the reality where Satoru no longer existed to be there for you. It was her who came rushing inside your room in the middle of the night. The bottle of liquor was now spilled all over the floor. The same could be described with your emotions. “Get it together. You haven’t been acting like yourself lately!”

You couldn’t, even if you wanted to. You were in delirium after having dealt with all the terrible things the world had thrown at you. If you couldn’t drown yourself in alcohol, how else would you have been able to numb the pain? How else would you have been able to… forget? 

As much as your sister tried to hide the obvious sympathy in her voice, even your drunken mind could recognize it. “We all know you’re going down the depression lane again, but never to this extent.” Her voice cracked in the middle of her sentence, cradling you into her arms as a tear fell down her face. The Gen who would usually lecture you, was now holding you in her arms as her only baby sister. “Stop this, Y/N, please. Don’t ruin your life the second time. I-It’s hurting me. It’s hurting Dad. Do you… do you realize what Sachiro’s gonna think of you when he sees you like this?” 

“Gen…” Muffled sobs unwillingly came out of you, leaving you with such excruciating pain in the chest, so much so that it didn’t even feel like you had done surgery to fix your (quite literally) broken heart.  “I w-want him back,” you continued to cry, “I want my husband back. I want to be with h-him, Gen.” 

“Y/N.”

“Where’s S-Satoru…? D-Did he leave? Please take me to him—”

“Y/N, listen to me.” She gently cupped your cheeks, forcing you to look at her pained eyes. “You’re intoxicated. He was never here, and he’d never come for you. You have to let it go.” 

“But—”

“He’s not good for you. He never will be.”

— —

It had been two weeks since Satoru last heard about you. Miwa was the one who updated him that you had already returned to your family’s mansion, letting him know that you were okay and that you were recovering well. Frankly, Satoru was starting to get annoyed at the fact that his secretary was still giving him updates about you. What did he care? He wasn’t your husband anymore. 

Besides, Toji was probably visiting you every day, so why did he have to worry about you? If there was anyone he should be worried about, it was Akemi. She had been experiencing terrible pelvic cramps lately, which needed to be given serious attention, but you would never see her being dramatic about it. The only thing she needed was for Gojou to accompany her visits to the OB-GYN, and even then, she never showered herself in self-pity. She carried herself like an independent woman, and that was exactly what Satoru needed in his life right now. 

He had a son to raise. He had a company to run. It wasn’t the perfect time to commit himself to someone lawfully. Heck, he didn’t even believe in marriage anymore. He realized that two people could still love each other without getting married. As long as Akemi didn’t pressure him about such things, he was fine with having her around. She didn’t ask for anything much, anyway. 

As for you, well… 

“What are you planning with that mansion you gifted Y/N?” asked Nanami, seated on the couch inside Satoru’s office, casually reading a newspaper. “Do you even remember that?” 

He certainly did. “What about it?” he questioned, idly toying with a pen on his desk. “It’s her property now. She can sell it if she wants.”

Better yet, you should let Sachiro inherit the property someday. His son was already set for a life of privilege having wealthy parents on both sides, but wouldn’t the mansion be a substantial addition to his assets in the future? Satoru couldn’t help but envision the kind of man his son would grow up into. He hoped Sachiro would not inherit his father's immaturity and pettiness but would embody the kindness and altruism of his mother. From a business perspective, however, Satoru planned to groom his son to be a leader, as he was the sole heir to the Gojou Group. Additionally, he would also inherit half of Creston and the entirety of Hearte. No wonder Sachiro was recently listed as the wealthiest kid by Forbes Japan. He even beat Megumi Zen’in from the list even though the teenager was the heir of the Zen’in business empire. 

These were the thoughts that should consume Satoru—the future, not the past. His kid, not you. And he was right about doing so, because when he came home to his penthouse, he was told that he had a visitor. 

A visitor on a Wednesday afternoon? 

Your brother-in-law, the esteemed prosecutor who sent his evil stepmother to jail, appeared on his front door, carrying Sachiro in his arms. It was hard to tell what type of emotions were visible on the man’s face, but he definitely didn’t bring any good news. 

“Ian?” Satoru promptly made way for the man to come in, ushering him into the penthouse and allowing him to set Sachiro down. The young boy was quick to dart off to his playroom, leaving the two men in an uncomfortable silence. “What’s going on? Weekends are usually my schedule with Sachi.” 

Ian cleared his throat, a hand on his pocket. “Do you mind looking after Sachiro for the time being?” 

By saying ‘for the time being’, it seemed like Ian wanted to actually say ‘until further notice.’ But that confused Satoru even more, because what was happening for the man to come here and ask him to let Sachiro stay beyond the agreed schedule with his father? He couldn’t read through Ian’s expression and it was making him uneasy. 

“I can, but… why so suddenly?” Gojou asked, glancing at his oblivious son. 

“It’s Y/N’s idea, Gen doesn’t know about it.” Ian released an awkward chuckle. “You know how my wife is.” 

Gen would absolutely hate it, Satoru was aware for sure. Though the questions lingered in his mind. “Why would Y/N want Sachi to stay with me? Where’s she?” 

Was it him or was Ian having a hard time explaining the situation? It felt like he was walking on eggshells, deciding between what had to be said and what shouldn’t. He was careful with his words when he spoke again, “Y/N flew to Monaco this morning and will be back when she’s ready. She says Sachiro should spend all of his time with you while she’s gone.” 

Monaco? Why would you be there?

Confusion bathed Satoru’s eyes. “Is it for a fashion event or something?” 

“No, she’s just…” Ian struggled heavily. “Well, to sum it up, she has to go there to sort some things out. It’s a personal thing, but she really needs this time for herself and we think it’s the best for her right now. I don’t know how long she’s gonna stay there or when she’ll be back, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say here.”

No, he didn’t. Satoru found it difficult to fathom his ex-brother-in-law’s words, seeing as he had no general idea of what was truly going on. But if you were flying to Monaco, surely Toji wouldn’t allow you to go there all by yourself? 

Ahh. It made sense now. I see what’s happening here. 

Satoru’s lips curled into sarcasm. You would be vacationing with the love of your life. Is that what it was? Planning your halted wedding? Choosing wedding gowns? Looking for venues? There was no way you would be flying to Monaco alone, especially without Sachiro around when you two had been inseparable since his birth. 

“What kinda mother is she?” Satoru muttered in disgust, unaware that Ian had overheard him. But Ian had heard loud and clear. How could you leave your son behind like this? Couldn’t you face your ex-husband to discuss it, instead of just dropping Sachiro off as if he were some unwanted toy?

“Hold it right there,” Ian interjected, becoming defensive at the accusation. “You have no idea what she’s going through.”

How would he know? No one was telling him shit. No one was giving him details, so did they expect him to understand things and accept them as they were? Did they do the same thing to Satoru when he was at the verge of losing his sanity asking everyone for forgiveness over and over? 

“I've never taken sides between you two, Satoru, you know that,” Ian continued, trying to maintain a calm demeanor and speak with clear judgment, “But one thing I’m not gonna let you do is call Y/N a bad mother.”

Satoru’s chest tightened at Ian's words, a mixture of guilt and frustration bubbling up inside him. He knew he shouldn’t have spoken out of turn, but the pain and resentment were too raw to contain. It felt like you were abandoning him and your child, like you were off to a new chapter in your life again, and leaving everything behind. Perhaps this was his trauma from the New York thing crawling back at him, but it definitely reminded him of the day you had abandoned him. For three fucking years. How long would it take you to return now? 

Why do you keep doing this? He was sick of it. You kept running away instead of talking to him. He gets it, people change, circumstances change, but couldn’t you at least have the decency to talk to him about it? Was it wrong for him to wish you’d handled this differently? To wish that you’d talked to him, involved him in the decision-making process, instead of just making this unilateral decision and leaving him to pick up the pieces? 

Satoru took a moment, collecting his thoughts before continuing. “It’s fine, I’ll take care of Sachi,” he reassured, “I’ll take some time off work and have ‘Kemi help me out.” 

He looked back at Ian, his eyes pleading for further details, for answers, for some semblance of clarity in the midst of this emotional turmoil.

Yet none of it was given. 

And so, would it still be wrong to assume that he could now completely forget about you? That this opportunity to be with Sachiro would allow him a chance to share it with someone else? If you spent three years of your life playing house in New York with Toji, would it still be unfair for Satoru to do the same with Akemi? 

[enanansbbg]

Anhane’s relationship, and it’s complexity:

this was originally uploaded onto twt, but I wanted to reupload it here because I was very proud of this analysis, so please enjoy and feel free to add anything I may have missed or skipped over!

With that being said, here we go! ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

Let’s start with the basics. The pure power of their aibouness, and its connections to vivid street.

To begin, you must understand what a partner is in VBS terms. In this case, it’s ‘a person who brings out parts of you never knew existed’.

In relations to Anhane, this is based off pure raw emotions. This is shown through An’s abandonment issues and Kohane’s want to make her heart pound.

Kohane wants to recreate that feeling she felt when she first heard An singing inside of An, to ‘make her heart pound’, while An’s abandonment issues cause her to fear Kohane’s rapid growth may lead to Kohane abandoning her.

This also plays into a certain factor about Kohane and the idea of her and angst, I believe.

Many people want Kohane to have some kind of angst event, especially related to her backstory, but that would go against all her motives.

See, Kohane’s pure movies for pursuing music—for working to surpass Rad Weekend all tie back to An. It was hearing An singing at WG that made her heart pound and An asking her to be her singing partner that caused her to even consider music as an option.

From here, their relationship develops into a lot more, and it’s when the idea of partners ‘bringing out an ugly side of you’ comes to play.

You can see even in the maim story An not seeing Kohane as an equal. It only gets called out and resolved in Singing in Sync.

Singing In Sync, ep. 1 and 3

🎧: “In the unlikely event that something does go wrong, I’ll cover for you and get you back on track, okay?”

…

🎧: “I failed as her partner…I couldn’t protect her…

…

🎧: “I mean, she’s my partner…And I wanted to guide her so that she could sing without worrying…”

…

🥞: “You don’t think of Kohane as one of the team.”

An telling Kohane “I’ll protect you if you mess up” subconsciously puts the idea into Kohane’s head “I’m not good enough, so I’ll probably mess up” This is what caused the entire issue in SIS to begin with.

But it’s once An tells her “you can protect me too” that Kohane is able to subconsciously think “I have the power to make her heart pound too”

Singing in Sync, ep. 8

🎧: “If I miss a cue at the next event…”

🎧: “Could you cover for me?”

🐹: “An… Sure, I can do that!”

After this we get Awakening Beat. Kohane is able to come out of her shell and fully adapts the idea “I can make her heart pound too” and has a large boost in confidence because of it. An both brought her confidence down and back up in the spam of one rotation.

Awakening Beat, ep. 8

🎧: (“It’s like she’s not even the Kohane I know. Could this be because she’s completely resolved herself?”

🎧: (“But even with just that, she can really change this much…?”)

However….In the same event, An’s insecurities begin to bloom and in Bout for Beside You, An has to face them for the first time.

Awakening Beat, ep. 8, BFBY, ep. 4

🎧: (“I was just gonna tell her she did amazing… That I never knew she could sing that amazingly, but…”

🎧: (“What’s going on? I just can’t get the words out—”)

…

🎧: “Kohane is…going to leave me behind?”

Here, An realizes her and Kohane ‘perfect’ relationship is more complicated now. While Kohane’s adapted the idea of “I want to make her heart pound”, An opens to idea of “I wont he able to make her heart pound anymore” (they doki doki more than ddlc i swear)

At the end of the event, An ask Kohane the golden question. “If I were to leave somewhere far away, would we still sing together?”

BFBY, ep. 8

🎧: “But what would you do if I said that I’d be going somewhere far far away someday?”

🎧: “And I wanted to reach greater heights just like what Uncle Taiga did exploring the world. If I were to go to someplace even greater and far far away from here—”

Of course, Kohane affirms this. Naturally, Kohane takes a lot of pride in being An’s partner, being the only partner for her. (as said in ORS) She wants to keep singing with An forever.

BFBY, ep. 8

🐹: “Even so, I would want to keep singing with An-chan!”

🐹: “No matter where you go or what you become, I’d still want to be with you!”

🐹: “I want to properly stand beside you and sing with you!”

We’re gonna skip ahead a bit and jump up to KIUAN, where we get our lovely “She looks like Nagi-san” line, the line that killed every Anhane shipper in the tristate area.

But what makes this line so special? Well, for that let’s discuss what made Nagi’s death (and the lie surrounding it) so impactful.

Nagi was someone An looked up to highly. So, when she was suddenly told that Nagi moved, not even saying goodbye, to pursue her music career, it left a mark on An. Added to the fact that Nagi wasn’t returning An’s messages or calls, just completely disappeared.

Now, looking to Bout for Beside you and KIUAN, you can see the importance of these lines. An fears that Kohane will improve so much that she leaves without a word, never talks go her again and just moves on. It’s why she looks so distressed.

VOT ep. 8, BFBY, ep. 8, KIUAN ep. 7

🎧: “…Aww. I wonder what Nagi-san is doing over in America? I wish she’d give us a call at least.”

🎧: “Ah! Maybe I’ll send her a text then! I wonder if she’ll be surprised~?”

…

🎧: “But what would you do if I said that I’d be going somewhere far far away someday?”

…

🎧: “…She looks just like Nagi-san…”

And, it’s why she can’t even believe Kohane when she says just how important An is to her, how much she loves her and wants to sing with her because Nagi said the same thing and now Nagi is gone.

This manages to reach a resolve in WTWG, where An ‘fights’ Kohane, takes all those raw emotions out in a healthy way, through her song.

An’s card in WTWG is more than just ‘An takes her anger out on Kohane’, because in truth that’s not entirely what she’s doing. Instead, it’s An’s raw emotions taking form.

An wants Kohane to grow, she wants Kohane to thrive fully, but that fear of abandonment—Fear that Kohane will leave and never speak to her again makes her want to hold her close and never let her go anywhere.

So what about Kohane?

Well, starting with thr WTWG card/story, Kohane wants to be An’s best partner. As she states, ‘to make An’s heart pound’.

So, to be vulnerable here is to accept all of An’s raw emotions. Let her lean on her and feel everything because to Kohane, that makes her a worthy partner.

She says over and over throughout the fight that An is amazing, that she wants to be like her, how much it makes her heart pound. Really, it reminds me of Kohane’s colorfes story.

WTWG, ep. 7

🐹: (“An-chan…really is amazing.”)

🐹: (“…Whenever I hear An-chan sing, it really makes my heart pound like nothing else. It makes me wish I could sing like her.”)

In it, Kohane goes to Vivid Street, but everyone thinks she’s An. This happens after she thinks about what it would be like to be An, but only going through this dream does she realize that she doesn’t want to be An, she wants to be her. She wants to be An’s partner.

Colorfes Kohane ep. 1 and 2

Record Store Onee-san: “You caught me off guard, using polite like that, An-chan!”

🐹: (“Did she just say An-chan…?”)

…

🐹: (“—An-chan’s so cool and strong…and there’s times I wish I could be like her…”)

🐹: (“I have to be me! Because—”)

🎧: “—Y’know, I was thinking, your singing is always so amazing, Kohane.”

🎧: “Whenever I hear your singing, it makes my heart race. The tension rises, and it makes me feel like I have to start singing right now!”

🐹: (“Because I’m An-chan’s partner—!”)

And to be An’s partner, is to drag all those raw, vertical emotions out of An, just like she does in WTWG.

In conclusion, Anhane explosion their relationship is so complex and strong and I love it

[gatorbites-imagines]

John Constantine x tattoo artist?? Smut or no (you choose!) I think it would be cute if john gets his tats from the reader (also kind of a possessive/marking quality there lol)

John Constantine x Tattoo artist male reader

Headcanons

Sorry there’s been no posts this week, classes have started up again, so as you can imagine I’m exhausted and have a lot less free time. I’ve been using most of my free time to read JJK, ngl.

Imagine being a magical tattoo artist, something like a seal maker. You do large complex and beautiful pieces, but you hide different seals and protection markers inside the patterns. It keeps the real purpose of the tattoo a secret, but is also pretty to look at.

John already has tattoos in the hellblazer comics, but imagine you giving him different ink. Something a lot less obvious and more attractive.

It makes him pass as a hot blonde British guy covered in a lot of fancy ink, instead of some brit with lotsa weird cult looking tattoos.

John becomes one of your most common customers, mainly because a lot of the tattoos you put on him disappear after the seals been used, since its all defense and storage. He might also use it as an excuse to see you more, so he can flirt.

John being John, would get a tattoo right above his crotch, think like a reverse tramp stamp, or a succubus tattoo, just so he can have you sitting between his thighs as he gives his flirting his all.

You definitely end up railing him within an inch of his life in the tattoo chair, tsking and “punishing” him for straining the tattooed area too much, and “messing up your work” when he writhes too much.

In the beginning its just a friends with benefits situation, something like a “happy ending” you might say. John wouldn’t be someone to do relationships for the most part, since most of the ones he’s been in haven’t ended great.

He subconsciously also wouldn’t want to paint a target on your back, since hes always involved with all kinds of stuff. But he cant help but always find himself back with you, getting some new seal inked onto his skin.

And if every visit ends up with him bent over the tattoo chair, or down on his knees to “thank you”, then who will judge him.

John would end up finally acknowledging his feelings when you save him from his big bad of the week, using your complex and intricate tattoos to pull out weapons and spells, and later seal the being that’s after him.

Its hard to deny how he feels after that, and though he wouldn’t put it into words, he would act differently. Like just showing up at your parlor to spend time with you without getting anything done, or sending you little protection charms or trinkets.

At some point you guys just start kissing and acting like a couple, without actually putting a name to it. It’s a dangerous life you both live, and words mean everything, so you never tell anybody you guys are lovers, since that would make the target on you both even bigger.

It doesn’t keep you guys from pretty much living together and acting all domestic, or being completely exclusive to just each other. John turning down all advances made on him confuses people in the beginning, until they just come to accept it.

John ends up with even more tattoos, these a lot more complex than average useable seals. These are the kinds that you have spent your entire life developing, and had only used on yourself because they’re that powerful.

The league are knocked back by how powerful his spells have become, and how much damage he can withstand. Only other magic users with the knowledge know just how amazing his tattoos are. He never tells them where he got them, just because he’s an ass.

You end up helping out more with his business, and he ends up being free advertisement for your parlor. Of course, no one gets tattoos like you or John, you would never give a possible enemy that kind of power, but it helps pad your pockets quite a lot.

John’s enemies end up targeting you as well, but they’re easily dealt with for the most part.

He ends up getting teased be friends and allies that he’s getting soft and domestic, cuz he doesn’t go out to bars like before, and wants to be home in time to watch a movie with you, or just go to sleep together.

He ends up a lot less stressed too, since you rock his world whenever he needs it, and become someone he can let down his defenses and just be vulnerable with.

In the end he probably gets pavloved to get in the mood when you tattoo him, or he hears the noise of the tattoo gun. John always blames you for making him this way, because you always go down on him after giving him new ink, not that he’s complaining.

[yeontaescumslut]

Happy Anniversary ◯ ♱ ۫ 🪽𝄞 ❀ 𓂂 ࣪ ა ₊

Pairing Jay x (Fem) Reader

Genre non- idol au, smut

Synopsis: You’ve never been the dominant type in you and Jays relationship, but tonight that would change when you want to surprise him for your anniversary…

Warnings: Oral, Fingering, name calling (good girl, slut, daddy, etc), face sitting, squirting, car sex, public sex

Word count: 2,781K

Authors note: For all my Jay Stans 👹 I’m making my way through all of enha so if you have anyone in particular you want me to do next lmk!! Thank you so much for reading my stuff it makes me so happy 🖤🥲

Today started out as any normal day at your job and Jay was working in the office per usual. As you’re researching something for a project at work when your phone suddenly chimes, you look over to see that its a message form your Boyfriend, Jay. The message read…

Jay: Be ready by 6:15, we’ve got dinner plans beautiful girl.

You smile at your phone cheeks getting red at the message. He did this often knowing it was your love language. You continue your work now excited for your work day to end so you could get all dressed up for your boyfriend. Today was your 4 year anniversary, so you knew he had something really nice planned. Typical of him to do so, he has always been the romantic type knowing just the way to get your heart racing with a look from his soft smoldering eyes.

Luckily for you your work day wrapped up rather quickly especially considering how for the rest of your shift you were daydreaming about how your evening with jay was gonna go, and boy had you mustered up something special for him in the meantime. You quickly rushed home trying your best to beat the 5 o’clock traffic so you could have as much time as possible to get ready.

you shower, and doll yourself all up for jay curling your hair and smudging your eyeliner just the way he loved. Your hand shakes slightly as you put on your deep red lipstick too entranced in your thoughts about what you had planned to stay still. You do your best to shake the feeling as you go to get dressed into the little black dress that you had bought about a week prior for this occasion specifically. Zipping it up you get goosebumps at the thought of how jay has once traced this pattern on your back to discard of a little dress like this.

Before you know it, time flies and its time, you hear a honk coming from outside you and jays shared apartment complex, knowing it was him 6:15 on the dot not a minute early or late. Your skin textured with bumps thinking about how to execute this plan successfully and not be awkward about it. You rush out of the apartment grabbing your purse on the way out. As you walk out of the complex doors you see Jay standing in front of your passenger seat door hands placed in his pockets. When he spots you exiting the complex doors he stands up straight from leaning on the car door. His eyes wide, a smile slowly stretches across his face.

Fuck. He is wearing that silk black button up that highlights his body line like no body’s business. This has your knees slightly wanting to buckle as you approach him. Jay takes you by the hand using it to spin you around for a 360. His free hand giving your bottom an encouraging tap as he playfully whistles at you. “You never fail to amaze me beautiful” he pulls you into his chest, a waft of his familiar woodsy scent filling your nose as he kisses your forehead.

On the road jay rests his hand on your upper thigh without fail of course, its his favorite thing about your body. This would come into great play to know for later.. his veiny tan skin is a contrast to pale elegance of yours. It almost felt sinful to look at sometimes. The cool metal of his silver rings leaving indents in your flesh as he gripped your thigh at each light you caught, him glancing over to send you a little smirk or bring your hand up to his lips to kiss it. This had your core gripping around nothing, he surely knows what he’s doing to you right?

You glance over at your stunning boyfriend analyzing his little details, his gelled hair, his dangly silver earrings, the subtle five o clock shadow peaking in, the little bit of skin is showing from the first 2 buttons he has undone, the Gucci belt locked around his hips it was all too much to handle. Jay was a simple sexy man. He was your man.

You arrive at the restaurant, you’re staring at Jays veiny tan hands as he grips the gear shift, shifting the car into park. You’re pussy dripping at the thought of his hands tracing your body like that. Jay calls to you snapping you out of your daze. In his deep raspy voice he asks if you’re ready to go inside. You shake your head as though shaking off the thoughts and reply with a confident yes.

Jay exits his side of the car coming over to yours to open your door for you, extending his hand out to grab yours, helping you out of the passenger seat. You take his arm, wrapping your hand around his thick bicep, he walks you both into the restaurant, keeping you on his arm the entire time. When you enter the host takes you to the most romantic table you have ever seen in your life. Rose petals strone across the table, a bottle of your favorite wine placed in the center and chairs placed right next to eachother instead of across. Jay knew you loved sitting next to him instead of in front of him.

Jay walks over to the table pulling your chair out for you, his hand gestures for you to take a seat, once you’re sat in your chair he places a white napkin across your lap, then pushing your chair in, following suit he sits in his chair. As soon as he slides his chair closer to the table his hand is immediately back on your thigh. It was at this moment you new your boyfriend was on the same wavelength as you tonight.

you order an appetizer and that gives you and jay some privacy from the waiter for a while, his attention is immediately on you. He’s leaned back in his chair, not in an ill mannered way but rather just comfortably resting but god does he look incredibly sexy doing it. He brushes a hand through his dark locks as he gazes over at you, simultaneously raises his place on your thigh but not higher, more inner. His pinky grazing your clothed core shamelessly. A sultry smile appearing on his lips when he realizes just how wet you are already.

however he doesn’t address it up front,he doesn’t have to because you can read the look right off his sexy ass face. “ you look so beautiful..as always.” He coos tucking some hair out of your face with his free hand. “ I’m so lucky to have such a stunning woman inside and out love me.You are my entire world sweet girl, happy anniversary.” He closes the space between your faces using that same hand to cup the back of your neck to kiss your lips quickly. The only reason he doesn’t linger this kiss being the fact that he’s reaching into his pocket to bring out a cute little box wrapped in a red ribbon.

The shock on your face is apparent as he pulls out the little box. Your mouth falling open as a reaction. You reach out to take the box with both hands, tears welling in the corners of your eyes. You untie the ribbon softly, pulling the longer string allowing the bow to fall into your lap softly. Jay is leaning back in his chair his face riddled with anticipation as he watches you open the box. You lock your fingers under the lid of the box prying it open softly, anticipating what’s inside. As the lid slowly reveals what’s inside your heart rate rises higher and higher as you see more of the pendant peeking from behind the box’s lid. Once the lid is fully off your eyes widen as your eyes are graced with the most beautiful necklace you had ever seen in your life.

“Jay, this is Beautiful, you really didn’t have to” You say to him tears peaking out of the corners of your eyes. Jay reaches his hand over to caress your face softly. “Of course i did my love, you deserve this and more” a smile painted across your face as you hold the pendant in your hand admiring the beauty of it. “Would you put it on for me?” You hand Jay the necklace and begin to lift your hair so his hands can snake around your neck easier. The cold metal of the chain giving you slight goosebumps that is until jays hands graze your neck, he is so gentle his fingers tickle your neck as he claps the necklace. When he sees the beautiful pendant draped around your neck he runs his hands down your back resting them at your waist, “It looks stunning on you darling” his mouth right next to your ear as the words hit your ear drum, you feel his plump pillowy lips make contact with the back of your neck, making you clasp your hands together tightly in your lap. He knew exactly what he was doing and knew exactly what it was doing to you. Just as your breathing steadies the waiter arrives at the table to ask for your orders.

As you’re waiting on your meals, Jay pours wine in your glass, your favorite that he specifically requested to be had at the table. “Here you are princess” pouring the wine with two hands, you look at him admiring his sharp beautiful features. Your top teeth catch your bottom lip as you stare at Jays hands, thinking sinful thoughts just wanting to eat and get him alone but you push through. You’re snapped back into reality when Jay asks you if you’re going to drink your wine or just stare at it.” He lets out a little giggle swirling his wine in his glass taking a sip. You giggle back at him raising your glass to your lips letting the tart red wine stain your lips.

The meal has finally arrived to you and Jay, you both enjoy your meal and chit chat through it. Once you’ve finished the waiter brings over the bill and Jay pays. As you get ready to get up to leave Jay pulls your seat out for you making it easier for you to get up. He has always been a gentleman, even 4 years later. He reaches his elbow out for you to take. You grab ahold of his bicep giving it a little squeeze. Preparing yourself for what is about to take place.

You and Jay make it back to the car safely, like the gentleman he is, he opens your door for you waiting until you’re fully in and settled before he closes the door. You twiddle your thumbs waiting for him to get in the drivers seat. Once he gets settled he lets out a happy sigh patting his stomach. “Did you enjoy dinner sweetie?” He asks patting the back of your head sweetly. Your brain is fogged at this point, you’re distracted by him and he’s right here. The thoughts of how you’re going to pull this off clouds your brain, you’re never the type to be dominate and initiate things between you and Jay but you had always wanted to and thought tonight would be perfect. He tits his head looking at you “baby?” He questions softly. You snap you’re head up coming back to reality once again, “sorry baby, yes dinner was delicious thank you so much for dinner, and this” you grab the pendant around your neck smiling softly. Jay smiles at you, “so where do you wanna go now?” You respond very confidently having had this in mind “how about we go to d the park where we had out first date? Maybe watch the stars?” You were absolutely bullshitting, you know that the park has the darkest parking spots near you and no one is ever there. He agrees with you thinking it was also a great idea not having a clue what’s coming.

You and Jay pull up to the park, you direct him to the darkest spot in the lot, he definitely has a clue what’s going down now, from how nervous you’ve been all night to the way you had been distracting yourself. He rests his arm on the steering wheel turning his body to face you, “mmm so this is what you’ve been wanting all night” he thinks you want him to fuck you but that’s not necessarily what you had in mind you’ve had enough and decided to just go for it, no more stalling. You look up at him, your eyes look different than usual they’re lust filled tonight. “Shut up and lean your chair all the way back” you sit on your knees in your chair pushing his chest down as he obeys what you say. He leans the chair all the way back to where it’s basically flat on the backseat. You make your way over, straddling his lap in the driver seat, your dress hiking up your thighs making the bottom of your ass hang out, jays hands find their way to the tender skin ,giving it a squeeze. Your lips find his, his lips as soft as cotton, your tongue fights with his for a taste of eachother, his hands roaming your body, yours entangled in his chocolate brown hair. You pull away from the kiss sitting up from your position, you grab jay by the jaw telling him to open, he follows suit opening his mouth, your saliva leaving your mouth as you spit in his. Leaving him no time to think you shimmy your way up to where your pussy is directly on his mouth, his hands find your hips steadying you and holding you in place, his tongue immediately finds your clothed clit sucking on it gently, his hands pushing your dress further up your body, his hand finds the seam of your panties pulling them to the side, his tongue making contact with your now bare folds, your hands gripping the back headrest for stability, your body jolting at the feeling, your core so sensitive in this position. Jays lips wrap around your bud as he pointer and middle find your entrance, pushing them into you curling them in just the right way to where it hits your g spot, a cry ripping from your throat, your hand placed on the window leaving traces of pleasure. Jay grunts into your pussy, his free hand reaches down, his tan slender fingers finding the buckle of his belt, flipping it open, the button sliding through the fabric the sound of his zipper makes you realize what he’s doing, his zipper slides down, pulling his cock out of the confinement of his pants. His hand gripping the base of his cock tight as his tongue navigates your folds.

Your eyes shut tight as the knot in your stomach burns with greediness. Hes giving you all he can yet you want more, Your voice echoing through the car as you beg for more “Jay more, please daddy” youre on the verge of tears, Jay does not hesitate as his lips wrap around your bud sucking pulling the sensation to one spot, his finger tips prodding at your cervix at this point, curled hitting just the right spot. Hes now bucking his hips into his own hands, the feeling leaving his grunts vibrating against your pussy. The heat from outside mixed with the air from the car leaves the windows foggy the only thing visible is your handprint on the window. The sinful sounds leaving your throat being covered by the music filling your ears. The pit in your stomach burns hotter as Jay speeds up, his fingers pounding into your cunt leaving his fingers soaking wet, his suction on your clit not letting up pulling you to the end. His fingers scrape your cervix one last time before youre squirting all over his fingers and face, he follows suit shooting his seed all up his stomach mixing with your fluids. His tongue lapping up every drop you release as he strokes out every drop of his own.

You plop down on the back seat not having any strength left in your legs, his car seat soaking wet, your breaths heavy, shaky. Jay looks over at you as he licks his lips and wipes the mess you made from his face “Good Girl” you look back at him with a heavy smirk. “Happy Anniversary”

[cerastes]

It's kind of amazing that a horny game like Nikke actually included stuff like Cyberpsychosis. Nikkes going insane or committing suicide if they are reminded too much that they are actually full-conversion cyborgs. The reason why they don't have a lot of cool gadgets like built-in thrusters or weapons. And then you have someone like Snow White who replaced a large chunk of her body with enemy robot parts.

Nikke is this really cool thing to have Existing in the space, even if I don't play it anymore, because of how charmingly unbalanced it is as a whole, making the charming parts of it all the more apparent.

It's got barebones gameplay, the seams of which burst the moment you do high level content and realize there's not much it can do due to its limited concept. Combat rarely translates to whatever is going on in any story thematically, being thus gameplay being more of an abstraction. There is a gulf and an ocean of power between fellow characters of the same rarity, meaning a max rarity character might do absolutely fuck all while another one, with the same odds, might snap the game in two with ease. It's story is absolutely nothing to write home about. It's a setting that can be best described as "self-indulgent incel nice guy heaven", where your character is The Only One to be nice to all these poor second class citizen superpowered voluptuous supermodel living weapons with tits two times your head and asses big and heavy enough to easily crush cars. Everything jiggles. It's so insanely predatory with its flash sales after every little thing you do.

And yet, the basic story it tells, it tells well. It's fun. It's entertaining. It knows what it is, and it has fun with itself, but it doesn't throw all pretense, either. It walks the razor-edge thin line between having a goof and telling a story with emotional depth. What it doesn't have in complexity or originality, it makes up for in sheer moment-to-moment, with good scenes, with good execution of things we've already seen. The showdown with Modernia lives rent free in my mind, Commander loading the Vapaus round, as Modernia or Marian, no way of telling, begs them to put down the weapon, because she's already back to normal, Commander shooting, and Modernia catching it with her teeth, and then growling the most guttural threat with freshest purest fury: "You shot me. Your really shot me! Shikikan!" and then drilling Commander right through the chest. And everything that happens after in that scene. It's got interactions out the wazoo, both mundane and touching. It has music that goes from "background music that really works" to "handcrafted for the moment and the character in its excellence". I think it's because Nikke knows what it is, but doesn't reach the self-mockery rung of the ladder. It knows what it's doing, and it's still sincere about it, even if it dares have fun at its own expense sometimes.

So, with that on the table, the take on Cyberpsychosis present in Nikke is incredibly powerful as a narrative tool because it tells you just how much of a jury-rigged slapdash product Nikke are. They are not cutting edge technology, they are literally something they pumped out quick as can be while telling everyone in the world that's still alive that they are cutting edge technology. And all, all of the safeguards are ultimately subject to willpower and perspective. Some Nikke go insane if they are too machine-like. Snow White has basically rebuilt herself over and over hundreds of times in her forever war. Nikke cannot aim at humans, so Crow instead puts a steel plate on the ground and ricochets her bullets off of those to shoot Commander successfully. Aiming is something you do with your senses normally, right? Rose figured out that she can just wear a blindfold and convince herself that what she's slashing is not a human, but a Rapture, and that's how she disemboweled and killed her Commander. Just by not seeing and fervently believing.

It's really, really cool how they go about it.

[kezzanza]

What type of boyfriend do you think jude would be?

A/N: first of all, i literally love this ask bc i think of this every 5 business days so thanks for making me put it in writing :)

Jude seems like the guy that would pick you up in a million dollar car, take you to your favorite high-end restaurant and ask you to be his with delicate chocolate lettering on a dessert.

But that's not really him.

The day he asks you to be exclusive, he calls you over to his place under the guise of helping him learn to cook. You both make a mess in his kitchen as you attempt to make your favorite meal—at his request, of course. You're laughing at the sauce all over his apron when he looks over at you—undeniable fondness in his eyes. It's not words written by a chef or spelled out in balloons when he asks. It's Jude's hands cradling your face, his voice softly saying your name and asking: "will you be mine?"

He kisses you when you say yes and you feel like crying—the tender moment scraping your heart raw. Your relationship starts with tears and somehow, that aspect never leaves.

Mostly, it's happy tears. You tear up whenever you watch Jude lift up a trophy, knowing how much hard work he put in. You tear up when he brings you to award ceremonies, his blinding smile meeting yours from the stage.

Sometimes, it’s simply tears of sadness. You fight over Instagram likes, tabloid headlines and models in his DMs. The argument only ending once you started crying, Jude stopping mid sentence to embrace you in his arms.

He hates seeing you cry, especially when it's because of him.

It takes a few weeks, but not you had both grown past that—Jude keeping his likes and follows clean, you doing your part to ignore the media.

Still, even now when you knew it was all fake, you hated seeing articles with Jude and random pretty faces paired off with him. But the media's presence in Jude's life is just one of those things you had accepted.

There are other things about Jude that you came to terms with. His competitiveness would always mix into your relationship in the form of jealousy. He wouldn't get angry but he hated the way men would drag their eyes all over you. You always assured Jude there's no man you wanted how deeply and intensely you wanted him. On nights he was particularly tense, you would laugh and tell him women were doing the same to him—just more subtly.

That would only make him frustrated, which was what you wanted, because it made Jude fiery. Passionate. He made love like he played football, which is to say with intensity, stamina, and unyielding focus. Every touch deliberate. Every movement full of energy. Leaving you breathless and exhilarated, as if you were in the final moments of a thrilling game.

Jude is charming, talented and good looking, but that was just the surface. In reality, he is one of the most complex people you know.

He wears thousand dollar designer but nothing made him happier than your homemade gifts—the pottery you made for your six month anniversary, the scarf you knitted for his birthday, the scrapbook you put together just cause. His attention to detail when it comes to you is second to none. You told him your favorite flower once months ago, now your shared apartment never lacks the pretty petals.

But the thing about him that never fails to amaze you is how much love he has to give to the world. A young fan would never be denied a signature. A grandma would always get a kiss on the cheek. No matter how busy or tired he was, he always made time for others.

There's nobody that knew this more than you.

When he is traveling between cities or stuck in traffic, he calls just to hear your voice. On rare free weekends, he whisks you away to charming little towns and quiet villas.

You ask him once, "Me or football?", and your voice is more sincere than the humorous tone you intended.

Jude looks at you with eyes dripping honey and says, "You, always you. The game is my passion, but you're my heart and my everything."

[notafunkiller]

Attending the Berlinale (The Berlin International Film Festival | February 15-25, 2024) will bring more opportunities for Sebastian.

He wanted to have more power over his projects aka to produce since he was in his 30s (producing = freedom and control). He always wanted to have an input when it comes to his characters, and I think he managed to do this the most with "Fresh" (before "A Different Man"), and it's a project very dear to him.

I know "I, Tonya" was the film that made directors notice him, take him seriously, and want to work with him more [internationally too], but he's always had range. He never chose "the pretty but boring boy" role. He loves grey and dark characters because they are human and there is more to explore.

He was just ignored.

Even though he's American too, not just Romanian (he moved there when he was 12), he's still seen as a foreigner by the film industry.

I think Sebastian believes he still needs to prove himself to get awards. So getting an award is even harder in this case because no matter how much PR you do, how hard working you are, how great you are at What you do, how much passion you put into your work and your roles, you're still (seen as) an outsider.

[Don't get me wrong, I think the roles he chose and chooses are challenging and send a message in general. They have layers and are human. He always gets out of his comfort zone, which is incredible.]

Also, it's "funny" how journalists and reviewers have ignored Sebastian for decades and now praise him as a new star (they did it for "Sharper" too), even though his filmography is varied (different roles, different genres) and it displays how talented and hard working he is.

This also says a lot about the prejudice they have:

[source: Deadline]

"In another type of movie" as if: "I, Tonya," "Monday", "Endings, Beginnings", "Fresh", "Sharper" etc are the same type of movie, and the fandom is limited in general...

They overlooked hin just because he became famous with Marvel, and he's seen just as the guy who plays Bucky Barnes... And they say it in an offensive way, anyway; as if Bucky has no complexity, no depth... as if he's just a flat character, so Sebastian playing him shows nothing. But they are so wrong!

He played so many versions of Bucky (40s Bucky, TWS, lost WS, Bucky trying to figure out who he is, trying to adapt etc).

The way he acts when Bucky's finally free of the brainwashing will always haunt me:

His eyes, in general, are so expressive. It's just amazing!

And Craig Gillespie worked with him three times ("I, Tonya", "Pam & Tommy", "Dumb Money"). He even chose Sebastian to give him an award [source: The Messenger].

A director like Craig wouldn't work with someone with no range.

Sebastian proved himself so many times! He always chooses challenging projects and roles and doesn't care if he's the main or the side character. He always wants to learn and be better.

I really hope more people will start to recognize how great he is.

[iamnmbr3]

what are some really outstandingly written and creative hp fics. (please no wholeslae canon rewrites tho. AUs are fine).

Here are a few fics that I find to be especially outstanding and creative and well written.

Amulette d'amour by The_Carnivorous_Muffin, Vinelle (words: 58,092 | not rated | Tom Riddle/Alphard Black)

Tom is commissioned to repair a magical amulet.

Why I rec it: Listen. This fic is absolutely phenomenal. It has a fascinating and well developed exploration of wizarding society, brilliant and highly complex and multifaceted characterization, and very original and unique plotting. It's extraordinarily well written and is both thought provoking and dramatic as well as laugh out loud funny in places. It's not a fic premise or pairing I would ever have imagined but it's legitimately an outstanding piece of writing that will live rent free in your head.

At Your Service by Faith Wood (faithwood) ( words: 95,752 | rating: E drarry )

Hogwarts students are in danger; Harry is determined to save them all. There’s only one thing he knows for certain: Draco Malfoy is somehow involved.

Why I rec it: This is the closest to book 8 that I've seen. Stylistically it really recalls the feel and structure of the canon books and it has a lot of really cool plot developments and world building. It follows on nicely from the rest of the series and expands on whats there. It feels like a book 8 where drarry happens.

the pleasure, the privilege by asterismal (asterisms) (words: 19,901 | rating: M | Harry/Voldemort | CW: Horror, Extremely dark themes)

It begins with Vernon Dursley’s body, dead across the table. In which Voldemort is dosed with amortentia, and nothing is better for it.

Why I rec it: It takes a crack plot premise and runs with it and really makes it work in a serious way. This fic is DARK and very unique and creative in its plot resolution. It kept me on the edge of my seat and is incredibly innovative and dramatic.

Running on Air by eleventy7 ( words: 74,876 | rating: T | drarry)

Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.

Why I rec it: Brilliantly well done characterization and amazing world building and plot. The relationship and characters all develop so naturally and the writing is incredibly beautiful. It never feels rushed and yet you can't put it down.

Denude by Faith Wood (faithwood) (words: 4,172 | rating: E | drarry | CW: Underage)

This is a HBP AU. It's set a few days after the Sectumsempra scene and takes the story in another direction, asking the question: "What if the Sectumsempra scene had a greater impact on Harry and Draco?" Harry and Draco are sixteen. In medias res beginning. Non-linear storytelling.

Why I rec it: Stylistically it feels like it could be taken out of book 6. The characterization and dialogue is so spot on and its very emotionally evocative.

Sparkling Cyanide by Asenora (words: 1,415 | rating: G | Gen | complete)

Tom Riddle had nothing to do with the death of Hepzibah Smith. Hokey had just had enough of being a slave.

Why I rec it: Amazingly creative world building and premise and characterization. It feels brand new and yet wholly plausible and right.

[moonshynecybin]

Do you think the ranch visit 2014 ended with like slightly annoyed sex because Vale just annoyed with Marc beating his record but also slightly admiring him

i love this because its true. marc is ANNOYING ! of course it cannot be ignored that vale is ALSO annoying (max biaggi fight. hello.) like they match each others freak in that regard, but at what point do you look at this sexy ass twink who is obsessed with your dick and your bike (sex to vale. is motorcycle racing lest we forget he keeps that m1 in GROPING distance and marc is like GOD i wish that were me so it does. work comma sexually. for them. like a lot. but i digress) and obsessed with your ability to ride it and be like hmm. maybe this habit is NOT so cute. when beforeeee you thought hey hes just like MEEEEE and got HORNY about it. well obviously if youre vale it is when he doesnt let you win at your own goddamn track at your own goddamn house in front of your own goddamn brother and various peers. that shit is irritating. which i do think marc realizes now, but is also largely unrepentant about because he's hilarious. free my girl he did all that but it was funny. our marc not famous for his wealth of tact and restraint on the track. and vale is thirty six staring down one last chance to maybe win his tenth. and earlier that week when he beat marc at that karting event he said finally somewhere you dont win. so yeah when marc doesnt roll over and let him get the lap record that day in 2014 all of those endearing traits where they overlap and are similar. change. morph. arent so cute anymore. the light shifts. the music hits a minor chord. ominous. foreshadowing. chekov's gun carefully being placed on the wall. and suddenly. kind of a theme with them huh. vale hates him for all the things he learned from vale.

so. we are here to ask how that emotion translates to nasty sex. obviously. like all of these complex emotions do NOT mean that vale does not want to get his dick sucked lmao. like he's here he's thirsty marc's been in a tiny little titty huggin black tshirt all day its happenin. AND. it should be noted that in a very real sense this is their first sleepover. first time fr hanging out outside the paddock in a place where there is PRIVACY. no real REPORTERS. an actual locking DOOR. no way to hide from the fact that theyve been all over each other for like TWO YEARS now. AND multiple yamaha M1S that can be used as somewhat SEXUAL PROPS. (vale feeling also perhaps. emotionally complex here. a lil delicate. like YEAH i can invite my coworkers i like to hang at my track thats bro stuff but what about my years long situationship that —*static noises in vale's brain* like remember this is where MARC thinks things start to change between them...)

so yeah vale ends up like. amping up that competitive edge a little in bed. making this a fuckbuddy thing more than a RELATIONSHIP thing as much as he can in his head and with his hands and failing miserably and feeling even WEIRDER about that. so he's. i think he's working hard at putting marc where he wants him. hot hands a little rougher on the curve of marc's waist. cupping his ass making him gasp. sending him to his knees and making him suck his dick hot and nasty. teasing a little edging on the little feminine nicknames theyve never talked about but that make marc squirm and flush prettily. edging marc with three fingers in his ass while he whines for it. dragging it out. exerting a little control. not mean at all everyone is having fun (marc. out of his MIND.) just. excising some tension. its probably nothing hes just in his head. holding marc in his hands as he looks up at him. and marc trusting it. marc going. marc being just where vale wants him. just like he never does on the track. and marc thinks everything is fine when its happening thinks everything is AMAZING. but after that is when vale starts to go a little cold......

[joonebugg]

hey … you should def … yap about horror sans heh 😈

Mutual....oh em gee....i should I shouldn't...unless😼

Sorry if this doesn't make sans

GAH I LOOOOVEEEEE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS MY FAV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And like ik I'm a huge simp for him but I genuinely love his character, I love characters who are mean and honestly a bit screwed up. They are so interesting to think about...canon horror is genuinely an enjoyable character. Asshole characters are my fav

His dynamics with people are my fave...ESPECIALLY with my personal version of him, it's like that with everyone tho lol

To me he has a lot of negative relationships

In terms of Horror and Dust they tolerate eachother, Horror thinks Dust is absolutely disgusting for killing his brother, but he understands the situation and how Dust's intentions maybe mattered, they understand that complex situations can get and Horror understands how haunted Dust is by this.

Horror and Killer are the complete opposite, Killer likes Horror but Horror hates Killer. Killer's battery posses him off, there was no necessity in what he did; Killer killed people because he was bored. That's how Horror see's it anyways. He doesn't realize how Killer's past haunts him, and what lead him to working with Chara and killing his whole au, because he refuses to understand. Horror has such a bias against Killer because of how he views him as weaker and blindly loyal to Nightmare, he hates it, it makes his blood boil how someone could be so loyal to this man who emotionally torments people for fun, to say the least Horror and Killer do NOT get along

Nightmare and Horror is so...chefs kiss, their dynamic is amazing to me. They are my two favorites because of how bad they can get, how terrible of people they can be. And Horror hates this man with every fiber of his being, Horror only listens to Nightmare out of necessity. With the others a simple promise to get them away from their past and out of their au was good enough, but Horror isn't dumb, Horror doesn't work for free, Horror wanted his au taken care of. Nightmare sort of has an admiration for Horror because of that, but it doesn't stop Nightmare from the emotional turmoil he puts Horror through. Horror is also just scared of Nightmare, he's like Undyne in a sense, except successfully taking his eye💀(Nightmare has everyone's weakness on a necklace in order to have more control over everyone)

Once Cross joins I think Horror is suspicious of him off the bat, in my version Cross is sent as a spy by Dream in order to gather any information he can on the gang. Obviously Horror is kind of opposed to this, Nightmare's plans being foiled makes him in a bad mood, which causes worse treatment. As much as Horror hates Nightmare and wants him to suffer, he knows he will just take it out on the gang, especially Horror due to how rebellious he is. Horror ends up not pursuing evidence of Cros being a spy though, he knows Cross is too careful for that, they have a more strained relationship basically, Cross doesn't want to make friends with people in the gang and neither does Horror, they respect that boundary they've set. They'd never get along though, I feel it in my bones.

But uhm yeah :3 if you want anymore rants please tell me, especially if it's like specific to an extent lmao..sorry if this doesn't make sense again💀💀💀

[ilys00ga]

bodyguard boyfriend to the rescue.

synopsis: your comfort person, aka your secret boyfriend, saves you from falling into the abyss, once again.

genre: angst, fluff.

A/N: this is not my first time writing something like this, but it is my first (very random) public post of such. I hope this is decent enough, I will maybe post more, but I'm not sure. until then, here's this.

warnings: anxiety attacks and overthinking. no explicit mentions, tho, just dark thoughts.

_____________________________

the walls of the room stare back at you as you sit on the floor. body so stiff and brain so busy running nonstop. almost feels like it would pop legs out and escape out of your scull at any given moment as you lean your head on the edge of the bed. too tired to blink, too tired to move a limb or even get into bed and give your body its long desired rest and warmth.

days like these have always been your most despised. but as hard as you try, you can't make it stop.

nasty thoughts keep on going on and about, keep on getting nastier and darker.

what is it that I want the most? what is it that I dream of the most?

quick puffs of air start leaving your lungs as they run through your mouth, yet you can't seem to breathe. you don't know how to breathe.

what the hell am I even doing. I'm not good at anything. everything I have ever fought for was never by choice. what the hell am I going to do next?

you try and take deep breaths, you really do, but the white ceiling is becoming way too blurry for you liking. everything surrounding you in the room feels too far away from you as the floor is getting too cold and hard.

you try to remind yourself, I'm still young. this can't be just it. I'm too young, I have a lover, I have power, I have much more to look forward to, to wish and dream for..

you try telling yourself that it's gonna be okay, everything will work out just well for me, all I have to do is wait.

but-

you blink. once, twice... you blink as hard as you can as you feel the tears that have been lingering heavily at the corner of your eyes running free. you blink as you try to snap back to reality, to your room, to your bed and to your floor. you blink.

just then, the sound of your phone arises, screaming loud and clear as if saying: here, let me guide you. listen to me and snap out of it.

the weight that's been sinking the back of your head to the bed finally lightens, allowing you to lift your head as you keep on panting for air.

you slowly reach for the phone, praying that whoever's calling will help ease your pain. and your prayers are answered immediately as you feel a ghost of a relieved smile starting to creep up to the corners of your lips.

yoongi..

your mouth feels terribly heavy as you put the phone to your ear, unable to speak while your heart beats so fast and loud in your chest.

"hey...you alright?"

there it is, his voice oh so warm and delicate. so gentle and calm. he is probably worried sick as he realises this is yet another one of your episodes. oh how he hates those episodes.

the caring tone does nothing but fill your eyes with freshly new tears as it embraces your aching heart. it is quite a complex combination of feelings his existence provides to your soul. incredibly healing, yet dangerously consuming.

still unable to utter a word, you close your eyes as you desperately sniff one more time, and he hums. oh, how good you are for me.

"I'm on my way. I'll bring your favorite meal with me as well. we can lay together after filling our bellies and then you'll tell me what it is that's bothering you. a princess should never carry a burden with her."

you smile as you hang up. he never fails to amaze you.

and so, you just wait. sitting in your quarters as you wait for your bodyguard's arrival. for his hands to wrap so tenderly around you as he soothes your sore bones. for his breath to bathe you in warmth and comfort as he pulls you closer to him, whispering words of pure love to your awaiting ears, for your tired brain to listen and oblige as his knight speaks to it.

and you wait for yoongi to bring his love to you.

[magicpotatoobsession]

GIVEN | Hiiragi Mix Thoughts Part 1

So I haven't been super active on this blog not because I don't love Given anymore, but any ounce of brain energy dedicated to Given means I have to feel the agony of waiting for the two movies to release. BUT ALAS the time has come because @aarinfantasy is the GOAT thank you thank you thank you~~~ Spoilers and screenshots below the cut 👇👇👇

GENERAL NOTES:

How can Mafuyu be animated even cuter than before? Like I don't even know how but how can he look even more adorable???!!

I love the intentional placement of sound and music in Hiiragi mix, moments of silence are so effective in highlighting tension, awkwardness, release, nervousness. Like even 1 minute into the movie, you hear the boys breathing as Uenoyama is tuning the guitar and Mafuyu is sitting beside him. It's those little details that show the atmosphere between characters perfectly.

I like the balance of Hiiragi/Shizu's storyline and Mafuyama's storyline, it's following the manga closely and shows the complexity and intertwining of their stories. It's a good way to juxtapose the different struggles between the two couples and what they needed from each other to overcome their miscommunication! I think the team took feedback from the Given Movie 1 2020 and OVA broken up into two parts when it should have worked better as one longer movie.

I saw on reddit I think that Hiiragi's VA is still relatively new to the industry but I saw a HUGE improvement in his voice acting in this movie, the range he gave to Hiiragi is amazing!

SCENE REACTIONS

This scene was so funny I CACKLED Uenoyama and Hiiragi with their catty energy I LOVE THEM

2. I fell off my couch at this scene HHAHAHA

While Uenoyama's face is funnier in the manga, something about the animated rocket launch from earth JUST GETS ME HAHHAHA. Ok serious talk though how did I not notice that when Uenoyama got confessed to and when Haruki told him he's about to debut, his brain turns into astronaut footage? I think it's a very smart way to illustrate that for Ue, music = love and one cannot exist without the other.

3. OMG Uenoyama's face HAHAH awww man I know he's bummed as hell at Mafuyu's "I'll think about it later" (to the debut proposal) but his face, Ueki and Itaya's faces send me straight to heaven

You know how Ue feels? Our munchkin cat feels like he just proposed to his lover and his lover said, hmnnn I'll think about it. 😭 Chemical, emotional, physical, psychological damage right here>>>

4. The voice acting here from Hiiragi's VA Fumiya Imai SLAPS SO HARD

It's definitely giving deja vu, similar energy to Uenoyama panicking about Mafuyu, gosh I love Hiiragi and Uenoyama's baby gay panics it's so cute.

5. Kageyama is that you?!

6. The sound design and use of silence in this entire scene....incredible, showstopping, amazing, impactful yes yes yes

7. This scene animating Shizu's flashback to childhood was really well done.

It's interesting that in the movie they didn't speak too much about Shizu being transferred from foster home to foster home, or what he had to do to get by. But also, in the manga, I'm pretty sure that they didn't have this scene of a child Shizu closing his hands over "precious stone" but I think it absolutely elevated my connection to Shizu as a character. It really shows that he believes he has been selfishly holding Hiiragi back and that he has been trapping Hiiragi all this time. It gives so much more context to what he did next which if it wasn't clear already, he tried to push Hiiragi away in order to free Hiiragi from him. 8. HOLY SHIT wow goddamn I would not want to live where Akihiko is living oh my 💀💀💀

Watching this scene animated with the noise of the highway really highlights how bad Akihiko's living conditions are. I flagged this because in the Given Manga sequel 10th mix [SPOILER AHEAD], there is this whole thing of Akiharu's disparity with their living conditions so....this is interesting....just putting it out there.....

I also don't remember this scene in the manga, but I really appreciate it, it shows the contrast of Akiharu in the first Given movie vs. this one and how their love and care for each other has evolved! Very cute! I'll make a part 2 soon!

____

My Given Metas

[hms-tardimpala]

Ficbinding: The Bone Eater by CluckU

(Listen, taking pics is not my talent. Just ignore the Wrestlemania tier list in the background.)

The fic: SPN, Castiel/Dean Winchester, E, 119.3k This fic is amazing. It's dark as I like and breathtaking, and it's a fantastic exploration of my favorite character, Dean Winchester. He's completely believable as CluckU writes him, there's not a doubt in my mind that that's how he would react if kidnapped and fed on by a minotaur, even at the times in the story when I wished he'd go against his instincts to protect himself. Also, the monster in this fic is so cool. He's well written, menacing, pathetic in a way, and so terrifying because of the way he feeds and how implacable he is. Special mention to the whole Misery vibe of this fic and especially chapter 15, that was so well done. Read the tags.

The bind: This is one of my most complex works to date, for several reasons. Let's start with the palette. White for te very bare cell Dean lives in and to contrast with other colors; red on the endbands and ribbon for blood (and there's a lot of it here); silver on the edges and endpapers for the medical instruments and table; black because I don't have grey cloth and I thought it'd contrast better with white to make the prison bars pattern.

The first difficulty was trimming and sanding the textblock. It was too thick for my ream cutter and as I said before, I'm losing my faith in it. So I trimmed each one of the 18 signatures by hand, then sanded the block with my new power sander. It took a long time and made a lot of noise, and the heat made it hard to work for long, but I'm loving this new tool. The smoothness of the edges was so satisfying.

Then I spray-painted edges for the first time. And it didn't go so well. It seemed okay, but for some reason paint still rubs off my fingers even though it's dry, so I have to be very careful when handling the book. I'm thinking of giving up acrylic paint in favor of laque spray next time.

Another thing I was apprehensive about was the straight spine. I'm a round spine guy, I have very little experience with straight ones, but it went alright! It's good! I don't think I'll make it a regular occurrence, though, I find it nerve-racking.

The last tricky thing was the cover pattern. (You can see it well in the sun if you click on the picture above.) It wasn't hard to think up or to figure out, mathematically speaking, but it was long, hard work in the July heat to cut the strips and glue them on the cover in a regular fashion. Took me hours. But it came out looking great! I did make a little mistake, though: I prepared the casing last night and I was so tired I glued the book in it by automatism, but I should have added the stripes before putting the book together.

Now, the typesetting!

I could have used a Greek theme throughout, but the minotaur myth is too modernized in this story for that, so I confined these references to the front page. A non-serif font because this is mostly Dean's POV and if you've read my previous ficbinding post, you know my feelings on that. And then bones! For the chapter headings, I used a pelvic bone that cradles the chapter number. The only chapter with a different heading is chapter 15, with the hand, for reasons obvious to those who have read the fic. And a nice femur as a divider. Really, the pelvis, hand and femur are the most important bones in The Bone Eater. The all look crisp, I'm happy with that.

Any reservations?

I wrestled with my printer a while and couldn't get it to print the right shade of red, I'll have to look into that next time.

Wow, I had a lot to say this time! It was a very interesting one, craft-wise.

Fonts: title and chapter numbers: Lethal Craze Demo, author name: Hey August, text: TT Fors Trial. All free on Dafont.

Materials: Black and white cloth from Schmedt, 2mm grey board, 70g/m² white copy paper, synthetic bookmark and headbands. Silver endpaper bought in store.

Feel free to ask me more about materials and fonts (or whatever), it won’t bother me at all to tell you what I used, I just can't think of anything else right now.

[arpmemething2]

Shibari Meme

A list of prompts that could be said while practicing Shibari. This can be used for NSFW or SFW roleplay. Feel free to change pronouns as needed. Send one for the muse's response.

“My right ankle hurts, please don’t touch it!”

"I used to practice this on stuffed animals."

"Make sure to store the rope properly."

"This is called a ball tie."

"That looks sexy."

"Are my legs far enough apart for you?"

"Could you get on the bed spread eagle please?"

"Shibari is a form of art."

"This feels calming."

"This is called shouldering the rifle."

"Please put your hands together."

"I'm glad you are enjoying tying me up."

"I would like to be hogtied please."

"Is there anything you don't want me to do?"

"Is there anything else you'd like to use other than just rope?"

"We don't have to do anything with suspension."

"I feel like being tied up today."

"Can you bend over a bit?"

"I'm going to tie a rope harness on you."

"What type of knot is that?"

"What are the safe words for ‘stop’ and for ‘slow down’?"

"Some people can tie themselves up."

"Where would you like my wrists?"

"Your body is a work of art, especially when tied up like this."

"This is hemp rope."

"This is called strappado bondage."

"We should go buy some more rope."

"Your shibari work is a work of art."

"Could you get into the lotus position?"

"Could you cross your legs please?"

"What is the mood of this scene going to be?"

"Would you like to be the bottom this time?"

"Where are the safety scissors?"

"What is the name of this position?"

"You look amazing all tied up like this!"

"We should go to a shibari event."

"What kind of aftercare do you prefer?"

"That's a little bit too tight."

"Can we have a talk first before we do this?"

"This is a single column tie."

"I'd like to do some suspension."

“I really don’t feel like getting tied up today.”

"Is that comfortable?"

"Are you comfortable with a crotch rope?"

"Could you tie it tighter please?"

"Hold your legs apart please."

"How do I look all tied up like this?"

"Please put your ankles together."

"Please place your hands behind your back."

"I'm going to bring your ankles up and tie them close to your wrists. Is that okay?"

"You look fantastic all tied up like this."

“My left wrist hurts, fix it as soon as possible!”

"This is called a reverse shrimp tie."

"I'm perfectly comfortable."

"This is a reverse prayer position."

"Wait, you are a shibari teacher?"

"Please put your knees together."

"This is called a hogtie."

"This is called a frogtie."

"Do my wrists need to be closer together for you?"

"Some enjoy the art and beauty of the rope and its placement on the body. Others enjoy the intimate connection between partners."

"I'm sure I'll be able to get out of these ropes."

"What type of rope is that?"

"Would you like to be the rigger this time?"

“I don’t think that knot goes there,are you sure you know what you’re doing”

"Do I have your consent to do this?"

"Shibari doesn't have to be complex and difficult."

"This is called a crab tie."

"The rope is merely an excuse to interact with each other"

"Is that too tight?"

"Shibari isn't always about sexual pleasure."

"What type of tie is this"

"This is called a box tie."

"This is a double column tie."

"I think of myself as a rope artist."

[eriochromatic]

Your impel down modern au is absolutely amazing is it okay to ask more about it ?

Like is Jinbei the legal guardian or is Garp around ? Is the Sabo situation like in canon?

What about the warden is he like the landlord ?

(If I ever get inspiration/time would you be down for this to be a fic ?)

Thank u for liking my AU! To be completely honest I intentionally didn’t add other one piece characters since I wanted to explore a different dynamic, so in this AU, Garp (or Shanks or Whitebeard for that matter) wouldn’t be around too much, Sabo also probably wouldn't be too present. 

For this AU specifically, the influential parental figures around Luffy and Ace are Jinbei (legal guardian), and then Crocodile (takes care of them when Jinbei is busy), and then the rest of the apartment residents when both Jinbei and Croc are occupied. The only other one piece chara I might consider adding in is Magellan as the landlord, but he’d be pretty hands off and not really part of the main dynamic anyways.

And of course, feel free to turn this into a fic if you’re feeling inspired! To be completely honest this AU in itself was inspired by a fic from a completely different fandom where they took a bunch of characters who never interacted w/ each other and put them all in an apartment together for a modern AU; Oda already did the job of getting random characters to work together so I just wanted to do the modern AU part!

Certain headcanons that I wasn’t able to add in the post itself:

Jinbei is a highschool teacher! The area they live in isn’t well funded so he probably doubles up as their guidance counselor as well,, he’s super busy which is why the rest of the apartment complex all collectively helps out watching the kids

Crocodile’s income bracket is technically a few steps above the others but because he’s paying 3 apartments worth of rent his quality of life ends up around the same LOL technically he could always move out but he’s too attached to everyone (would never admit it)

Drag race is still rupaul’s show in this universe and not Ivankov’s HAHAHA Ivankov is definitely more of an underground queen, almost urban legend like… But yeah they’re never home much so Inazuma has been using Ivankov’s apartment as a glorified storage unit for fabrics and outfits

Ace is still the grumpy kid like in canon, but having Crocodile around as a vaguely bad influence (“I am not going to stop you from committing violence” type) makes them strangely close… Croc is trans in this AU and if u wanted Ace to also be trans that can be another bonding point

Since Crocodile manages a casino (with a nightclub), Bentham has been pestering Croc to let him put on a drag show, so far Croc has been saying said no. Croc’s frame of reference is Ivankov (aka someone who’s waaaay to good) so unfortunately anyone who’s not at Ivankov’s level isn’t worth the effort of changing schedules and reorganizing things. Bentham has seen Crocodile proposition Daz constantly for that bouncer job so now there’s this weird one sided rivalry between Bentham and Daz lol

that’s about all the ideas I have for now! hope that was fun and interesting to read!

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

It Is Time For 'Baddie Hibernation'

Hey babes we have 3 months before the summer! It is time to tighten up! This is the time to work on your physical and mental I know we all want to be hot girls this summer so now is the time to prioritize ourselves!

Routines

♡ Routines are super important. they are your key to success and living an organized life. If you have not created a routine already I created a blog post on how to create a productive routine. This is the time to stick to your routines in the morning and night and adjust them if needed. 

Physical 

♡ Hygiene. Consistency is key for your facial care routine to work so be consistent in applying all your products. If you aren't seeing results with a certain product you have been using for over 3 months maybe try and find a better product. I recommend using a gua sha three times a week there are so many benefits in using a gua sha blog post coming soon! Don’t just focus on your facial care focus also on your body care use African exfoliating net sponges, shave regularly, apply lotions and body oils, and use feet masks to peel dead skin.

♡ Diet. For my girlies who are on a weight loss journey and want to be snatched before summer, it is time to be dedicated to sticking to your diet. I don’t have any specific diets to recommend do what works for you. If you struggle with Binge Eating Disorder like me I have a book that I can recommend that will help you work on your ED and also help you lose weight “The Binge Code” by Allison Kerr and Richard Kerr. This book has been a game-changer for me!  For my babes who aren't focused on weight loss, it is still important to try and eat healthier try including a variety of whole foods into your diet and drink waterrr!!! Water is so good for us from our skin to our digestive system try and drink at least 50oz but aim for 100oz of water daily.

♡ Movement. Try and include some sort of movement daily we must move our bodies daily. Figure out what type of exercise you like walking is very simple and costs absolutely nothing. Start small with 10 minutes of outdoor walking daily. Natural light is so beneficial for our mental health and mood. Yoga and pilates are such amazing slow and impactful forms of exercise. I've been including yoga in my nighttime routine there are so many channels and videos on YouTube you can follow. There are so many other forms of exercise you can try some free and some that cost money.

♡ Supplements. Help and maintain our overall health they can also help with our daily requirements of essential nutrients. I will be listing a few supplements below <333

Multivitamin. Find a reputable multivitamin and take it daily or as instructed. Multivitamins can boost energy and give you vitamins and minerals you might be deficient in.

Magnesium. Improves mood, sleep, exercise performance, regulates blood sugar, and so much more. Magnesium is overlooked by many but so beneficial for us. I've been seeing the bedtime magnesium mocktail I have yet to try but I plan to.

Omega 3(fish oil). Helps with typical brain and eye development. It can fight inflammation and help prevent heart disease and the decline of brain function.

Vitamin D. A lot of us during the winter time have a deficiency in vitamin D because the sun is not out a lot so vitamin D supplements are a must-have they help with regulating mood, reducing depression, healthy bones, and so many other amazing benefits.

Vitamin B Complex. Helps boost energy levels, brain function, digestion, and cell health. There are so many other benefits.

Probiotics. Helps improve gut health, puts healthy bacteria into our gut that in turn helps our digestive system, and inflammation, and can even help aide your weightless journey. 

Mental 

♡ Sleep. Our bodies function so much better when we are getting a good amount of sleep. You think clearly and your mood is better. Try and set a bedtime for yourself and stick to it. I had to sleep train myself at the beginning of the semester it was so harddd but I'm reaping the benefits now I have energy during the day, my mood is better in the morning, and my brain functions better during the day.

♡ Journaling. We have a lot of emotions that we carry throughout the day and it is important that we let them out and journaling is the best way to do so. I have three journals. One journal is for my emotions, another for gratitude journaling which I highly recommend you get into, and finally my last journal for shadow work. You do not need to have three journals but I like to have everything separate it helps me. 

♡ Book. I love reading and listening to self-help books. We all have issues that we need to fix and thankfully we have so many self-help books dedicated to so many different issues people face on a daily. I have so many recommendations I’ll list below.

The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest (self-sabotaging)

The Most Powerful Woman In The Room Is You by Lydia Fenet (confidence and career)

Atomic Habits by James Clear (building good habits)

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson (living a carefree life)

The Binge Code by Allison Kerr and Richard Kerr (binge eating, weight loss)

The Shadow Work Journal by Keila Shaheen (internal healing)

The Eldest Daughter Effect by Lisette Schuitemaker and Wies Enthoven (eldest daughters)

The Game Of Life And How To Play It by Florence Scovel and Joel Fotinos (from pessimistic to optimistic, affirmations, and manifestation)

The Power Of The Pussy by Kara King (femininity and dating) 

8 Rules Of Love by Jay Shetty (dating and psychology)

The Muslim Woman’s Manifesto by Kashmir Maryam (religion, mental health, and women)

These are the books I can recommend so far there are more searches for books related to the issues you may be facing or things you want to improve on in your life<3 

♡ Therapy. I'm a big mental health advocate and it is very important that if you are dealing with mental health issues you get help<3. I've dealt with my issues before and I used better help I found the best therapist who helped me through so much. I love the way they allow you to choose your therapist. I recommend that you use better help. For my NYC teenagers between the ages of 13-17, there is a website called talk space that offers free online therapy for NYC teens NO REFERRAL IS NEEDED. If I find more websites that offer free therapy for other teens around the world I will let you all know<3.

If you have any tips that you want to share down in the comments please do I want all of us to be happy and glowing this summer!