#like on the paper they are exact opposites of each other- not only personality wise but also visually

[kurv4]

I miss wwx………

[seraphscrypt]

Here is where I'll ramble about my Dandy's World OTPs and other small things (probably)

Template by faworkiio

Firstly, I include Razzle and Dazzle under platonic with Scraps and Goob because Dazzle calls Scraps his "paper sibling", so to me they're the third and fourth of the craft siblings!!

Angryhugs Literally my first pair ever in this fandom because of their interaction. The argument I see of "Shrimpo hates Goob!!" drives me up the wall because Shrimpo hates EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, it's not targeted. I personally view Shrimpo as someone who internalized looking down on himself and instead says he's the best/better than everyone else, it's easier to keep people at arms-length, and in general anger issues. Goob, on the other hand, loves everyone/is the exact opposite of Shrimpo in that. Goob tries to show Shrimpo a kindness that, because of his own doing, he struggles to comprehend. In the vain of "Everyone wants a reaction out of me so they'll get the worst kind." No matter what Goob tries to reach out, sometimes he backs down but he really wants to try. I wouldn't say my OTP of them is romantic (like a lot of them) but it's that close bond and a lot of working through, a space for healing.

Moonlightshow Definitely my second pair that grew into a poly. What I love about these three is that they're always there for each other. Astro is always willing to help Vee, Vee does similar in return (even in regards to Twisteds, which Vee would die way faster than Astro could gameplay-wise). Brightney and Vee have sort of awkward interactions but it's very apparent that Vee finds interest in hanging out with Brightney, especially because Brightney is so knowledgeable on a lot of things. Astro and Brightney are together often, especially in regards to what to read. Astro overall isn't the most talkative but his girlfriends fill the quiet space and he enjoys that a lot.

Mirrormystery Anyone who follows should know this is one of my favorites as of late, especially with all the content between these two in particular (officially). Rodger and Glisten fit together very well, not only design aesthetic wise (their color palettes literally compliment each other so well I can't stop talking about this it makes my brain tingle), but in their dialogue. Rodger teases Glisten, which he rarely does with others if at all, to which Glisten reciprocates as part of their dynamic. Rodger doing that also comes from a place of care for Glisten. As with the new letters in Glisten's room, it's shown that Glisten struggles a lot with being seen as perfect and does overwork himself to the point of dizziness (which might worsen if not tended to). The one who tries tending to him, although Glisten rejects it, is Rodger. Glisten makes it a point that he wants to hang out with Rodger more too. Another silly addition, with Toodles (practically) being Rodger's daughter, Glisten gets along with Toodles so well. Glisten is willing to play with make-up with her and give her all the glitter ever (best step-dad ever). Toodles is also aware that Glisten "cries and complains to Rodger." All three of them are literally a family, I love Toodles and her two dads.

Dinoteaharbor This is one of the rarest pairs I have in this fandom and I haven't talked about it yet so here it goes. A lot of this I take from Teagan's perspective because she's literally my everything and they deserve the best. Teagan themself is an intelligent woman who enjoys having tea parties with any Toon she can invite and is more of the aristocratic type compared to everyone else. I'm also under the belief they have a type for shorter Toons with special interests (she'll listen for hours to them). Dinoteaharbor is less of a love triangle more of a "love acute angle." Shelly I view as sapphic and has no romantic interest in Finn (to which they're comfortable with) and has interest in Teagan. Teagan adores Shelly and really wants to spend more time with her, going as far as to (in canon) invite Shelly to their room for tea time. On the other hand, Finn is someone who likes Teagan and after asking about the tea in her head (sweet tea) said she was sweet. His love for her is less in affections and more in little gifts or cool things he brings from fishing trips. Shelly's love is plenty in affections and adorable dinosaur related flirts that are definitely cheesy. Teagan loves her partners a lot and is the one who has to reach the top shelf everytime.

[turnpage]

send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[tsukishumai]

sakusa kiyoomi x gn!reader word count: 1.8k tags: fluff, slight internal turmoil, accidental confession (kind of) summary; Why should Sakusa care if you make plans with his captain? a/n: for my bby @imarizaki

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“I’m going to the cafe with Tsukasa-senpai this weekend.”

Sakusa couldn’t stop the words from repeating in his head as he jumped up and hit his serve. He winced at the impact, the force of it being much harder than he had intended. The flick of his wrist sent the ball flying over to the opposite side of the gym, crashing loudly against the metal bars that protected the windows.

Sakusa bent over to place his hands on his knees, and sighed deeply.

You had looked so excited about your upcoming plans, and the image of your beaming smile suddenly flashed in his mind. He supposes he should feel some sort of happiness for you, but at the moment, the only word he could use to describe his emotions would be frustration.

He always thought volleyball managers were useless. His teams always had one, and they hardly ever did anything other than compliment his serves and gave him water.

But perhaps that said more about his previous classmates than it did about the job itself, because ever since he’s been on this team with you, he’s not sure he could have it any other way.

He remembers when he walked into practice, three weeks into your stint as their manager. You’ve gotten into the habit of wearing a mask during practice, the black cloth fitted snugly across your face as you happily bounced over to speak with him.

“I researched different wrist exercises online,” you had said, handing him a stack of paper you had printed, “These seemed to be the ones that had worked out well for others.”

He nodded his head in thanks, not telling you that he already has these exact exercises memorized -- appreciating the effort you had put into helping his game.

He thinks back to when he arrived back from a training camp in a sour mood; feeling angry, frustrated, and insecure at the rate of his growth in comparison to the famous Ushiwaka. He grabbed his issue of monthly volleyball from his locker, flipping it open to the aforementioned ace’s page when his lips burst into an incredibly uncharacteristic smile.

On his rival’s photograph were devil horns drawn on his head, his front tooth blacked out and his eyebrows penned into a unibrow, your writing nearly inscripting “Ushiwaka Stinks! Sakusa Rocks!”

As he walks back to the volleyball cart, his mind wanders to when you let him borrow your manager notebook, and as he flipped the pages filled to the brim with your scribbles, he realizes that you were taking notes on much more than just Itachiyama players — your attention to detail had left him in a state of awe. Though, now he’s figuring out that you seem to do that just by existing.

It dawns on him that he seeks your attention past your daily scheduled practices. His routine has changed, and instead of eating his lunch in empty classrooms, he walks out to the courtyard of his school, passed the crowds of people and to a bench situated under a tree, so he can find you saving a spot for him next to you.

Every time he hears his phone buzz, he wishes it was you. Every time he wins a game, he looks to see if you’re watching him. His so-called useless manager.

He feels more uneasy as he wonders why he’s even thinking about such things in the first place. He turns and grabs another ball before taking his position behind the end line.

If you wanted to go to a cafe with tsukasa-senpai, then you had every right to do it. Who was he to be upset about it? Wait, was he upset? The sinking feeling in his gut and the irritation swelling in his chest tells him that he is.

But why? It’s not like it was a date. Or was it? But you just said you were going to the cafe. You never told him it was a date.

So what if it was?

Sakusa throws the ball into the air, and smacks his palm against the blue and yellow leather. The stinging in his palm matched the velocity of which it flew across the room yet again, and he curses at his lack of control.

“You’re still here?”

He snaps his head to the doorway, the echo of your voice mingling with the bouncing of the volleyball reverberating on the walls.

“I thought you went home,” he said, walking to his bag placed on the bench, grabbing a towel to wipe the sweat off his forehead.

“Something told me to come check on you before I left,” you said, walking into the gym.

“Well, you should get going,�� he said, in a much sharper tone than he had intended, “It’s getting dark.”

He ignored the way you frowned as he grabbed yet another volleyball, and repeating the same movements he has done for the past half hour since practice ended. He could feel the way your eyes burned into his back as he landed gracefully on his feet, clicking his tongue when his ball not-so-gracefully catches into the net.

“What’s up with you,” you quip, crossing your arms and popping your hip, “First, you ignore me all day, now you won’t even walk home with me?”

Your question only serves to confuse him even further. Is not walking home together now considered an odd thing? Since when did that happen? Had he really been so lost in your presence that he didn’t notice? He hadn’t realized things had gotten this far -- to him, time with you never felt like it was enough. And right now, he’s not sure if he likes that. Not when the end result is this.

He didn’t reply, choosing instead to walk over to the other side of the court, and collecting the balls that had gone astray.

But he should have known you wouldn’t have let things go, and he should have expected your footsteps marching behind him.

“Sakusa Kiyoomi,” you say sternly, and it irritates him even further.

What, do you think that just because you say his full name, he’s going to bend to your will? Is that the kind of hold you think you have on him? The audacity of your familiarity was bothersome and aggravating.

Because it worked.

“You’re going to the cafe with Tsukasa-senpai tomorrow.” he says quickly, turning around to face you. You nearly collided with his chest, stopping abruptly in place. You blinked your eyes at Sakusa dumbly, trying to comprehend what he’s saying.

“Yes… and?”

“Is it a date?” he cuts to the chase, no longer wishing to prolong the agony he’s been in all day.

You looked at him in surprise, jaw hanging slightly and dropping your arms to your side. You quickly regain your composure, straightening your back before giving him a hard look.

“What, am I not allowed to go on dates?”

“I never said that,” Sakusa fumed, wondering if you were trying to dodge his question.

“Then why do you —“

“Can you just answer the question?”

You huffed a little at Sakusa’s interruption, and shot him a half hearted glare. Sakusa stood his ground, looking dead into your eyes.

“It’s not a date,” you finally respond, and Sakusa let’s go of a tension in his shoulders that he had no idea he was carrying.

“Good,” he said, turning around to continue his previous task of collecting his equipement.

“Why is that good?”

Sakusa shrugged, balancing four volleyballs in his arms as he made his way back to the cart. “You shouldn’t be going on dates with guys like Tsukasa-senpai.”

At this, you scoffed in disbelief. “Excuse me? And pray tell, o wise Sakusa-san, just what exactly kind of guy should I go on dates with?”

“Me,” he said before he could stop himself. He stopped all his movements for a moment, time suddenly freezing as he comprehends what just slipped from his lips. A feeling of dread soon began to slowly creep up from his gut, spreading across his body until it reached up and grabbed hold of his heart.

He pretends he never said a thing, depositing the volleyballs back into their rightful place before heading over to collapse the net. In his peripherals, he could see your shocked expression, eyes following his every move as he starts to lower the net. He could feel the sweat forming on his forehead like bullets, but he continues on.

“So...what you’re saying is,” You finally broke the silence, walking over to the other side of the court to help Sakusa with his task. “You want me to go on a date with you.”

“I never said that,” he replied, quickly gathering the material that had bunched up on the floor. He felt awkward doing this errand in front of you, something you must have picked up on, because you finished the job for him.

Still the ever dutiful manager.

“No, I’m pretty sure you just did,” you say, grabbing onto the folded up net before walking over to place it into the storage room, not giving him a chance to reply.

Sakusa uses the ten seconds you were gone to slap himself in the face.

He solemnly walks over to gather his things, the silence growing louder and louder by the second as you choose to continue closing the gym instead of saying anything further. He takes his time switching out of his gym shoes, and slowly looped each side of his face mask on his ear.

He was zipping up his jacket when you stood in front of him.

Goosebumps raise in his flesh when you glare at him, tapping your foot on the wooden floors.

“Well?” You ask.

Sakusa tilts his head. “Well what?”

“Are you going to ask me out on a date?”

Sakusa is thankful for the fabric covering his face, though surely redness spread across his entire visage.

He was sure steam was wafting up from his head, the clock in the wall ticking tocking his nerves deeper into his bones.

You raised your eyebrow at him, and he wonders if this is a trap. Or perhaps a cruel joke. But regardless, he couldn’t keep you waiting.

“Will you… go on a date with me,” Sakusa spoke slowly, coughing into his hand before continuing, “This weekend?”

You smiled at him, brighter than he’s ever seen before. He feels as if the skies have opened up, and the sun herself graced him with his own personal ray of warmth.

“Let’s go home, Omi,” you beckon him out of the gym before turning off the lights, “I got a big date to get ready for.”

You don’t see his smile, but you se the way his joy crinkled at the corner of his eyes.

“Preparing already?”

You laugh. “I’ve only been waiting for this moment my entire life.”

He hadn’t realized things had gotten this far — though, he realizes he doesn’t mind if the end result was this.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

6:39 PM [From: Captain Tsukasa] :

so? did it work?

6:42 PM (To: Captain Tsukasa) :

senpai… ur kinda scary

6:45 PM [From: Captain Tsukasa] :

I know my little kohai better than u think 😌

[theycallmebun]

love is love

yachi hitoka x fem!reader

wc:~3900

warnings: homophobia, internalized homophobia, cursing. let me know if i missed any. 

a/n: i am not going to lie, this is not one of my better works so i apologize in advance if it’s not what you expected. (who knows, it might be a huge waste of time idk) but i had a nice time writing it. it was kind of just me projecting on here. also sorry for mistakes. 

for anyone who needs to reach out, you can always talk to me! i’m always here for you guys. i love you all so so so much<3

- bun

You know, it’s funny how some people will preach peace and love but do the exact opposite and live their lives filled with hate and venom. And how unlucky you were to have those people as parents.

Of course in the beginning, you agreed with their values, didn’t even question it. You were just as conservative as they were. Suppose you didn’t know any better. 

You didn’t start questioning it all until you were in your first year in high school. You were introduced to so many things, new and refreshing. 

Throughout the year, you met new people, made new friends, learned new things(about yourself and academic-wise), learned about other people’s opinions on such things, helping you open your eyes a bit more and it couldn’t have been better. 

Well, that wasn’t until you met Yachi Hitoka. 

It all started towards the end of the school year. You had a project to do for your science final. A grueling 10 page research paper along with a trifold presentation. Of course the teacher would give the absolute hardest assignment for your last weeks at school instead of giving students a break. 

On the bright side, it was a partner project. You didn’t have to do all the work yourself, or you hoped, at least. When you heard your name drawn, you listened out for who your partner was going to be. The name drawn after causes your lips to curl upward. Yachi Hitoka.

Now, you didn’t know the girl personally, but from what you’ve seen from sharing a class with her, she works very hard and is very intelligent. You were glad. Not only because the work would be split evenly but also because she was super cute. Cute. Cute? Wait. Huh? Never mind. Scratch that. I didn’t say cute. Me? wha-

She confused you, to say the least. 

“Hello?” your inner conflict was interrupted by a soft, sweet voice.

Yachi.

“Uh ehem, hey,” you responded, face blank. She sat in the chair next to you, quiet as ever.

“So for the project...” She and you continued on about the project; exchanged numbers, where and when to meet up, what to get done on each day, so on and so forth.

Except, you couldn’t really focus on the project now could you? You were with Yachi. You hadn’t realized before but she was so cute, so pretty, you liked everything about her.Was this ok? Girls aren’t supposed to like girls, though. Not in that way at least. No. I don’t like her like that. Only as a friend. Only as a friend.

Friends! Of course. You only wanted to be friends. That’s it. Nothing more. You couldn’t. You wouldn’t.

As weeks passed, the two of you grew more friendly with each other. Saying your ‘hello’s and ‘what’s up’s in the mornings and after club activities. With the time passing by, your project soon finished.

As glad as you were that you could finally catch a break, a part of you was somewhat sad? You wouldn’t see Yachi as frequently anymore. You didn’t have the excuse of the silly project anymore. Your parents would grow suspicious if you were to spend that much time with a girl for no reason. 

You spent the last two weeks of school back in your old routine. With the occasional 2 minute conversation you had with Yachi in class before the teacher walked in.

Wake up. Go to school. Walk back home. Homework. Dinner. Sleep. Repeat.

It was boring. You knew that but after being exposed to the warmth of Yachi Hitoka it wasn’t bearable anymore. She was different compared to any other girl you had met in your whole life. She made you feel things no one else had, never even scratched such a surface You wanted to see her. Talk to her. Hang out with her. Just be with her. What? Never mind. You dusted off the thought again.

Summer came around and you felt yourself wasting away the days. You couldn’t hang out with your other friends because they all went on fancy vacations for the summer. You didn’t see nor hear from Yachi in the beginning, figuring she was busy with her own things.

Until you got a text.

Yachi Hitoka

-wanna hang out? im free today

Your eyes sparkled at the text. 

After a little begging from you, your parents found it alright for you to go out. 

You texted Yachi back as soon as you got the OK.

Me

-sure! let’s meet at the park, i’ll bring some snacks

Yachi Hitoka

-sounds good:)

You love those smiley faces.

When you got there, you saw her. Sitting on the grass, on a blanket, in a cute summer dress. Wow, she’s beautiful,  you thought shamelessly.

Your eyes met and you smiled softly at each other.

Settling on the picnic blanket, you put down [insert favorite snacks] along with some water.

“How have you been?” you started the conversation.

“I’ve been good, kind of preoccupied with the whole volleyball club thing though,” she said.

You hummed, encouraging her to talk about it more.

“The whole team is working really hard to get better. Even though it’s summer, they don’t want to take a break. We’ve all decided that we get Saturday off though, so they get a teeny tiny break,” she added.

You mentally noted to keep your own Saturdays free in case Yachi wanted to hang out again. You hoped for it.

“And you?” she asked.

“Nothing much, you know? Now that it’s summer, I have all this free time but I can’t even do anything with it,” you told her.

“And why is that?” she inquired.

“I have nobody to spend it with or have anything to do with it so I just sit around all day,” you answered. 

“Well, you can always hang out with me, Y/N, I just told you I’m free every Saturday,” she brought up.

You were shocked at her words.

“R-really?” You questioned.

“Of course! We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Friends. Right. You knew that so why did that hurt so bad?

“Mhm,” was all you could respond with along with a small smile gracing your lips.

The rest of the day was spent talking about the mundane things in life but in such a lively conversation that flowed so naturally. You especially liked that about Yachi, her ability to make everything so much better.  

The sun was setting and it was hitting her figure just right. It did her all the justices and in this moment, you’ve come to terms with your feelings for her. I’m in love with Yachi Hitoka. Surprised how long that took you to stop denying, you finally admitted it to yourself. You also realized love was scary.

How could she love me back? I’m a girl, she’s a girl!

This is wrong. Mom and dad said these kinds of things were wrong. They’re going to hate me. They’re going to be disgusted with me. She’s going to be disgusted with me.

What if they find out before I tell them and never let me see Hitok-

“Y/N?” There it was again. That soft, sweet voice, pulling you out of your haunting thoughts.

“Yes?” you responded softly.

“Want to walk me home?” she asked so sweetly with that closed-eye smile.

“Sure, Hitoka(as she told you to call her),” you said.

You could worry about those things later.

Saturdays. You loved Saturdays. You lived for Saturdays. You got to see Yachi on Saturdays. 

Whether it was at her place, the park, or a near by cafe(wherever really). Never a dull moment with her. Driving with the windows down and music on full blast, beach days, painting, more picnics,  sunsets on the roof, and so much more.

She helped you discover more of yourself on these Saturdays. 

On one particular Saturday, you were hanging out with Yachi on her bed. Listening to music while talking about who knows what. You aren’t quite sure how the conversation got there, but it slipped from your mouth like butter.

“Is it ok to like girls?” you questioned. Head buried in your arms, cringing at your words. Of course it wasn’t ok. What had mom and dad been telling me all these years? you thought. 

“Of course it is, Y/N. Love is love,” she said in that voice laced with honey, propping herself up on her side to face you.

“Love is love?” your head snapped up, now looking at her.  

“Love is love, Y/N,” she said again, a small giggle following while brushing hair out of your face.

You could feel the blush creeping up your face.

Was that true? Love is love? She really doesn’t care if I like girls? Does she like girls?

You wanted to ask, but it would be too obvious. You couldn’t ask, she’d see right through you.

You hummed in acknowledgement of her words and turned your back to her. You couldn’t see but Yachi frowned at that.

“Why do you ask?” Yachi pondered.

You were scared at the question. How am I supposed to answer that?

Screw it. All the doubt leaving you for a second, you confessed.

With your back still facing her, you respond, “You see... there’s this girl. I met her a couple months ago. She was super shy but as time went on, I got to see all sides of her. I learned new things from her. I learned how important it is to live my best life. She taught me how I could do things by myself. She’s got the cutest smile, cutest blonde hair with star clips in it, everything. And when she speaks, it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Surely it has hints of vanilla and sugar. She’s so passionate about everything she does, it’s admirable. It wasn’t long before I realized I was in love with her. How could I not? She’s perfect.”

You were crying but you didn’t notice until you stopped talking and the room filled with silence. The regret and doubt now overfilling in you. Taking the silence as a bad thing, you got up, wiped your tears, and you didn’t even look her in the eyes.

“Um, I have to go,” you said, not even giving her a chance to say anything, and left.

That was the last Saturday you saw Yachi that summer.

The last couple of weeks of summer felt long. You would cry, scream, laugh. It was concerning. You stayed at home, locked yourself in you room, ignored all the messages from everybody and anybody.

Your parents, your damned parents, were worried about you. It hurt to see you so down. What happened? You were fine weeks ago.

“Why don’t you go out and see Yachi?” your dad asks through the door.

Your eyes tear up just at the sound of her name.

“Don’t wanna,” you replied weakly.

They tried and tried again just to get you out of your room but you didn’t budge.

Soon enough, they stopped bothering you, just figured letting you be wouldn’t be too bad. You couldn’t stay in there forever. You’d have to come out eventually.

And you did... for the first day of school. It was hard. All that time you spent on your bed crying really took a toll on you. It was like all the life was sucked out of you. It was exhausting just thinking about what the school year had in store. More assignments to do but only harder. And on top of that, you were avoiding her. All the more difficult when your classes are right next to each other.

“Attention all students. Welcome back to school! Since it is only the first day back, club activities will start next week so our first years have time to pick and choose. Have a nice day!” you heard through the speakers.

In the hallway, you were walking, staring at your feet, hoping they’d take you to the right classroom.

They did, thankfully. But when you look up, you see a wide-eyed Yachi. As fast as you could go, you walked into your classroom, quickly closing the door.

That was close, you thought.

You were most definitely not ready to face her after what happened that day. It all came rushing back to you. Your confession, the deafening silence following, running away; it all filled your head. You were not going to be talking about that for a very long time. It’d hurt too damn much.

I wish I had never said anything. Why did I have to go in and ruin it? If I never confessed, I would be completely fine right now, and with Yachi!

You carried on with the rest of the day. Trying to think how you could get out of class without being stopped by Yachi. You let this carry on for as long as you could. Days, weeks maybe, you weren’t sure as the time just blurred together.

As soon as the bell rang, you would be the first to slip out of class. With no traces of the girl behind you, you continued to the gates of the school and could begin your journey home. This got easier as club activities started back up again and Yachi would be too busy with volleyball in the gym on the far side of the school.

The journey home was the same as it always was. Uneventful, long, boring. You normally lost yourself in your thoughts and just hoped you ended in front of your house by some miracle.

One particular day, you didn’t notice until you were at your doorstep but someone had been following you all along. You could feel her presence behind you. You were frozen.

“Y/N, I don’t know if you want to talk about this here so let’s go to the park,” she whispered behind you and headed to the park.

Standing still for a couple more minutes, you slowly made your way. Your legs just took you there.

When you got there, you saw Yachi sitting in the grass, in your usual spot. You sat yourself a foot or two away from her and started fiddling with the grass. This can’t be good. What is she going to say?

“I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to talk to you, Y/N, it’s been too long,” she started.

You were still busying yourself with the grass, tears brimming at your eyes.

“What do you want, Yachi?” you asked, voice wobbly.

She shivered at the use of her last name.

“You ignored me for weeks and I had so many things to say to you. You didn’t even give me a chance! How is that fair, Y/N? Hm? Just leaving me there,” she was almost yelling. You didn’t have to look at her to see she was crying.  

She’s right. It wasn’t fair.

“Give you a chance to what, Yachi? To reject me? To tell me that ‘we should just stay friends’?” you questioned, tears spilling down your face.

“No, Y/N! How can you not see-- not see that I’m so fucking in love with you!” Yachi sobbed.

You looked up to see her hands covering her sobbing state. Tears running down your face, as well.

“So please, stop pushing me away. I know you’re scared, but that’s what I’m here for. To help you, to love you, to be by your side every step of the way” she said gently.

You inched closer to the girl who was still covering herself. You grabbed her wrists and gently moved her arms out of her face.

She gazed back at you, eyes still watering. You moved your hand to cup her cheek and she leaned into your touch.

You kissed her. It was soft, tender, sweet, just how you imagined. It took both of your breaths away.

When you pulled away, you stared into her red, puffy eyes, hand still cupping her cheek.

“I’m sorry, Hitoka. It was stupid of me to do all that let alone not even hear what you had to say. I was just so scared. My whole life I grew up thinking that this love was wrong, I didn’t know how to go about it” you explained.

She grabbed your hand and kissed your palm, a gesture that gave you butterflies.

“I know, Y/N. Like I said, that’s what I’m here for. I’m going to be with you in whatever decisions you make, I’m going to help you whenever you run into trouble, I’m always going to be there for you,” she declared.

Surprisingly, she was able to teach you so much more. With the time you spent with her, she managed to open your eyes more and more. She helped you unlearn all the things your parents taught you and helped you see the rest of the world. 

That year, your second year at Karasuno, had to have been the best year of your life. You spent your time with your girlfriend. You sneaked around with her, making nothing but memories you’d carry with yourself so far into the future. 

With that, the time flew by and now, you were half way through your third and final year of high school.

Was it sad? A little. Were you excited? Hell yeah. 

It wouldn’t be too long before you and Yachi would enter university and the both of you could live as freely as you wanted. Now that your relationship had grown more serious, you didn’t just want to sneak around anymore. 

It didn’t seem like too bad of a plan to just wait it out and never tell your parents. 

We can wait a couple more months, you constantly told yourself. 

After all these years, you were still scared. But Yachi still stayed by your side, just like she promised. 

How would mom and dad even react? What if they hate me forever? What if they never want to see me again? What if they send me away? Away from Hitoka?

It was a constant battle within you, so holding off until you weren’t under their roof anymore seemed like a secure plan.  

But it was out of your control. You and Yachi saw each other almost everyday, they were bound to find out the truth one way or the other. You just never thought of it. 

It was a regular day. You had just got home from school but what you didn’t expect was your parents sitting quietly around the table. 

“I’m back,” you started. 

“Welcome home, Y/N, come have a seat,” your mom said. 

You could feel your heart beating faster through your chest as you sat in the chair across from them. 

“We have something important to discuss with you,” your dad added. 

Uh oh. This couldn’t have been good. 

“We know you’ve been seeing someone. A girl, Y/N” your mom said. 

You were biting your lip so hard, it could’ve started bleeding. 

“You know you can’t do that, Y/N. It’s against everything we stand for. It’s unnatural, wouldn’t you rather be with a man?” 

Tears were brimming at your eyes. How could she say that?

“No. No, no, no. I love her,” you said as sternly as possible. 

“You can’t love her! It doesn’t work like that, Y/N! It’s wrong! Two girls are never meant to be together,” your dad chimed in. 

“Love is love! It shouldn’t matter whether I like girls or boys. Shouldn’t you be happy for me? Happy that I found it? Aren’t we all deserving of a love like this?” you rebutted. 

They had never thought about it like that before. They were left speechless. 

At that, you got up and headed for the door. 

“I’m going to go see my girlfriend. Expect me back later or tomorrow even,” you mentioned before you were out the door. 

Me

-can i come over?

Hitoka bby

-sure baby, everything ok?

Me

-yeah, just wanna see you

You texted her. 

When she opened the door for you, she didn’t expect to see you red and puffy eyed. 

“What happened, baby?” she asked, concern filled in her tone. 

“They found out,” you answered, sniffling. 

“Oh, Y/N, let’s get inside, ok?” she pulled you into her apartment. You’ve grown to love the warmth the room emitted, and the scent that you only associated with Yachi. 

She got you to change out of your school uniform and into some of her pajamas.  

After you settled down a little, she listened to you as you told her exactly what happened and she wrapped you in her arms when you started crying again. 

She reminded you that everything would be ok and that she would be with you throughout the whole thing, just like when she promised when she confessed.  

That evening, the two of you spent it in each other’s embrace. Yachi made efforts to reassure you that in the end, everything would turn out fine. She and you even devised a plan in case things did turn to absolute shit. 

It wasn’t long after until sleep overcame the both of you. It was simpler moments like these that made you love her even more, as impossible as it seemed. 

In the morning, you headed back to your place, eyes still swollen from all the crying. 

You wish you didn’t have to go back. If you could, you’d stay with Yachi forever. But you had to resolve this. Or at least talk some sense into your parents. 

When you entered the house, it was quiet. Until your parents came rushing down the stairs at the sound of you. 

“Y/N-”

“Yeah mom,” you waved her off. 

“I know you’re going to bring up the whole ‘that is disgusting and all gays go to hell’ crap so just don’t. Yes, I am in love with a girl. Her name is Yachi Hitoka. She’s the best person to have ever come into my life. I see my future with her. I don’t know where but if it’s with her, I’m going. And if you can’t accept that, that is simply not my problem,” you told them. 

They were wide-eyed and silent in response. You were exhausted and just headed to your room. 

The rest of the day was quiet. No one said anything to you. You didn’t quite know how to feel. 

You were excited you didn’t need to sneak around with Yachi anymore. You would finally be able to show her off and love her freely. 

You were left unsure about your parents as they continued to say nothing to you.  

After that, you could definitely say that your relationship with them had changed. They saw you a little differently, no one could tell whether it was good or bad. 

Sure, their daughter liked women, but you were still their daughter, none the less. Not much was spoken between you and them, they just agreed to keep on living as if nothing had happened. They’d come to terms with it eventually. 

Again, Yachi was there with you. You couldn’t be anything but grateful for her. She really was there for everything and she was all you needed to keep on going. 

“I love you, Y/N” she always told you. 

“I love you too, Hitoka” you always replied with. 

Love is love, and you loved Saturdays, the park and Yachi Hitoka. 

a/n: that took a lot longer than expected. i am so sorry. also i know this story was all over the place so if you read the whole thing, was it ok? it kind of turned to word vomit there. 

[nuttyrabbit]

Giovanni Conti Bio

“Nutty, are you only going to show up to post about Archie Sonic and your OCs?” Yes, yes I am

Anyways, I decided to throw together a quick bio for Gambit’s dad because hey I figured his stuff out and I’m doing shit with him now.

Shoutouts to @pidgeonspen​ for doing his design for me.

Anyways, as always, everything’s under the readmore

Name: Giovanni Conti (Real name Brando Romilla)

Age: Approximately 50 years old

Height: 3'4"

Occupation: Auto mechanic/Conman

Location: Unknown, last confirmed sighting in Westopolis. Originally born in Lugaio, Spagonia.

Sexuality: Bisexual, though greatly prefers women to the point of denying any male attraction

Personality: Giovanni's personality is what one would expect from a seasoned conman: charismatic, self-serving, and conniving, the weasel finds success in his trade thanks to his natural talent in dealing with others. To his victims, Giovanni appears to be a charming, compassionate, smooth-talking individual who seems to go out of his way to help others in their time of need. But of course it's all a farce, a way to con unsuspecting victims out of their hard-earned cash. In reality, the man formerly known as Brando Romilla is the exact opposite. A selfish, grumpy, and temperamental weasel "behind the scenes", Giovanni finds himself unwilling to engage with the world around him outside of whatever con he's cooked up or to get out of whatever mess he's gotten himself into this time.

Giovanni's most defining personality trait however, isn't his sardonic attitude or his smoothtalking ways, but instead his paranoia.  Giovanni has spent the majority of his life on the run and it shows.  He often finds himself looking over his shoulder both figuratively and quite literally, hoping that his latest victim hasn't found out about him or that the law or the mafia or whoever he's crossed hasn't tracked him down to enact their revenge.  As such, Giovanni is extremely hesitant to give out his name unless absolutely necessary for the con, even going so far as to make up fake names in emergency situations, though the truth eventually comes out.  In addition, he trusts absolutely nobody and almost always looks for a way to backstab/escape any sort of partnership he's found himself on the receiving end of, willing or otherwise.

All of this being said, it isn't *all* bad for Giovanni personality-wise, for when the weasel finds something he actually likes, one can see a softer, more eager side of him come out. Despite his professed hatred of his previous job, Giovanni has a rather deep appreciation for the intricacies of vehicles and vehicle repairs, even going so far as to sneak into antique car shows to gawk at the new vehicles and reminisce about the "good old days" before it "got so complicated" in terms of technology. Oddly enough, he also loves vinyl.

Skills: Giovanni is of course, an incredibly skilled con-man, imploying a variety of cons and scams to trick people out of their money, ranging from simple "tourist trap" tricks such as "no change", "toll booth", and "free gift", to more complicated ones such as "flat tire" schemes and even reselling stolen/counterfeit items at a significantly marked up price.  His variety in terms of cons is helped by his ability to sell them thanks to his smooth-talking charismatic persona that he puts on during them.  As a result of his occupation he's also extremely adept at pointing out other cons/knowing when he's being duped.  Not only that, but he's even picked up some basic lockpicking/hotwiring and ID forging skills, though they aren't quite as honed as his other talents in the area.

Surprisingly enough, again despite his professed dislike of his childhood job, Giovanni is an incredibly skilled mechanic, being able to assess the issues with (mostly older) vehicles just from a few minutes of observation and testing alone and fixing it in record times. OF course he'll complain about how he's "too fuckin' old" for it, but he'll do a damn good job...and even enjoy himself somewhat.   He claims he would be unable to work on "new-fangled" vehicles such as Extreme Gear but if he were to get the chance, would find that he'd be a natural at it.

Likes: Antique vehicles, wine, the feeling when he pulls of a con, vinyl records, fresh pressed suits, rare steak, expensive cigars, older women, working on antique vehicles.

Dislikes: The law, organized crime outfits, his ex-wife, his kid, getting caught, prison, cheap beer, "new" technology, people who talk too much, his grandfather, working on vehicles (his relationship with auto repair is..complicated), staying in one place for too long.

Backstory: Brando Rombilla was born into anything but normalcy:  born to a pair of younger Spagonian lovers, the result of a tryst gone wrong, he was abandoned on the steps of his paternal grandfather, the widowed mechanic Angelo Rombilla, who would raise the weasel as his own.

Angelo was an old, stubborn, hardworking man who had spent his entire life toiling away as a mechanic, even coming to own his own shop...yet despite it all, he never quite had a lot to show for it, and Brando grew up in not quite poverty, but in...less than modest means

Despite this...unusual situation, Brando would, at least for a time, grow up as any other child would, going to school, making friends, and living as a normal Spagonian child would--at least until he hit the age of 12-13, where his father suddenly and inexplicably ground his childhood to a halt, pulling him out of school and telling him that he was going to be a "working man" from now on, that he'd have to help out at the shop and help put food at the table--and that is indeed what happened.

From then on, Brando found himself working at the modest repair shop, working the front desk, doing oil changes, and learning the ins and outs of auto repair--and he fucking hated it.

Not just because he'd been robbed of the experiences his peers were getting, but it served as a constant reminder of the (at least to him) pathetic conditions in which they lived and worked. In addition, it only served to exacerbate his sheer irritation at his father's stubbornness and near-perfectionist standards.

But over time, as he aged and saw his peers move on to bigger and better things, he realized something else: all this work, all this "good, honest, hard" work he'd been doing, that his grandfather had been doing, that he wanted him to inherit, it was getting them nowhere

The both of them spent years and years doing the same shit over and over, and they were no better off than when they'd started. They still lived like shit, ate like shit, and worked like dogs, and the idea of doing this his entire life revolted him.  Yet when he'd bring this up, he'd just get shouted down, beaten down, and told to get back to work. He loathed it all.

Then one day, around the time Giovanni hit 19--it all changed. In a moment of what his grandfather would call laziness and what Brando would later call ingenuity, he accidentally charged a customer for something they hadn't done--and with it, more money than he should've had.  It suddenly hit him, his way out, his way to actually do something about all of this. It started off slow, an overcharge here, a useless job done there, a job not done this way or that, even some front product sold off of lies.  Before Brando knew it, the shop was actually making money for once, and more than that, he was making money.  And the best part was, that for once, Angelo seemed like he didn't have a stick up his ass. He seemed...happy, over the moon really that things had begun to look up.  Things seemed to finally be getting better!

....until Angelo caught Brando in the act, after which the mother of all shouting matches ensued, of the grandson and grandfather screaming at each other about this and that, about everything--and saw Brando being thrown out of the shop, out of his grandfather's home--and out of his life

Out on his ass with only the money he'd pocketed and the clothes on his back to his name, Brando  by all rights should have been terrified about his future, livid about what had happened, but instead he found himself excited. Now that his grandpappy or his stupid shop wasn't a problem anymore, he could finally do something with himself, and he knew exactly what that'd be--putting to use the same bullshittery that'd gotten him here to begin with.

And so the young weasel found himself hopping all over Spagonia, honing his craft. Whether it be through  pinching wares from stores and selling them nearby at an outrageously hiked price,  snatching and selling bootleg items, or even using his mechanic skills to craft "wonder items" that were quite literally just old scrapyard junk,  Brando soon became quite adept at the art of the con.  However, with that adeptness came attention, and with that attention came the watchful eye of the law, which attempted to crack down on the weasel multiple times as he traveled about Spagonia.

Soon enough, his face and name were plastered on wanted signs, in local papers, and in time, he couldn't run any longer, finally being booked on fraud charges and placed in prison for ~ 3 years at the age of 22.   Upon getting out,  Brando realized that he couldn't exactly do his work here anymore, lest he get thrown back in for good.

But Soleanna wasn't exactly appealing either, especially since the SPD were notorious for cracking down on fraudsters.  He was at a loss at what to do, until he managed to catch a TV broadcast talking about Empire City and it hit him- EC would be the perfect place to disappear and get a fresh start.  It was big, it was far away, and it was full of suckers just waiting to be parted with their money Forging himself a new identity (quite literally) as "Giovanni Conti" , he smuggled himself on board a ship and soon found himself in Empire City, where he almost immediately got to work--and found the results to be not what he expected

While the toursts were complete suckers as expected, the residents were anything but, and he found himself on the run from the law once more--and in addition, the various criminal orgs that made their homes there and had no tolerance for being scammed.   Needless to say, the whole thing frustrated him, and with no other way to vent his frustrations, he turned to drinking, and with it, found himself at a small bar in downtown EC, drinking away his frustrations...and chatting up an equally frustrated, and rather attractive young woman. He didn't catch her last name, but certainly caught her first- Artemis

What should have just been a simple one night tryst suddenly got a lot more complicated once the young woman had tracked him down almost a week  later with some soul-crushing news: She was pregnant, and it was almost certainly by him.  To make matters worse, Artemis was an up and coming politician, someone in the running for the EC City Council, and she would be DAMNED if it came out that she got knocked up in a one night stand, that would ruin her career! Despite Giovanni's attempts at arguing otherwise, she also insisted on keeping the child, claiming that if word got out she got rid of it, it would ruin her career. Threatening to hand him over to authorities, she blackmailed him into sticking by her side for the following 9 months, appearing in front of the cameras as a pictureesque pair of parents-to-be, Artemis embracing the newfound attention and Giovanni absolutely loathing all the eyes on him, and not only that, but also moving in together to her (admittedly) lavish apartment.

This continued up on through the end of the pregnancy and into the birth of their son, who Artemis named "Tai", a (perhaps ironic) homage to an old Apotosian patron of Luck.  From then, things continued normally, well as least as normal as could be for the unwitting parents-to-be, up until the child was around a year old, when Artemis went on a sudden vacation.  Left alone with the child and feeling helplessly trapped, Giovanni contemplated making a break for it, perhaps faking his own death and figuring out the details later, when a hooded figure burst into the home and attempted to shoot both him and the child dead.  Through a near-miraculous stroke of luck though, the intruder's gun jammed, giving Giovanni the chance to brandish a knife and stab them in the jugular.  His heart pounding, his mind racing, Giovanni quickly put two and two together: someway, somehow, Artemis had tried to get the two of them whacked.  Quickly disposing of the body and without really thinking about it, Giovanni grabbed the child and made a break for it, bolting from the apartment and leaving Empire City under cover of darkness, trying to make sure he left no trace that he had left--or was even still alive.

Soon arriving in Westopolis, Giovanni and Tai found a small apartment to squat in for the time being. Quickly settling in, Giovanni quickly fell back into his old ways, and found the people of Westopolis far more vulnerable to his schemes than in EC. Still, the weasel wasn't happy. His "new start" that he'd hoped for had fallen apart before it'd even gotten the chance to get off the ground because of *her*, Artemis. Giovanni's frustration gnawed away at him--not helped by the tiny weasel at home, his little boy--the *mistake* that'd gotten him into this mess.   He often found himself verbally and physically taking out his frustrations on young Tai, even more so when it turned out the little brat wasn't even good enough to help him on cons.  He wished he could get rid of the little bastard once and for all, but for some reason, he just couldn't bring himself to kill him despite his best efforts.

Years went by, but nothing truly changed for the pair, until young Tai was 8 years old and Giovanni found himself on the bad end of a con gone wrong, having inadvertently found himself attempting to swindle an undercover cop.  Rushing back to the apartment he and Tai shared, he quickly grabbed whatever tools he could and attempted to disappear, leaving the young Tai behind for good.

Throwing himself out of the frying pan and into the proverbial fire, Giovanni had managed to disappear and evade the cops---and run right into one of his "victims": "Downtown" Ebony Hare--a "made man" in the Carnades, one of the major local outfits--and someone who he'd given a shoddy brake job.  Ebony recognized the weasel almost immediately and motioned to off him for messing up his car, but after Giovanni pleaded for his life, Ebony spared him-- on the condition that he work off his "debts" to him and the Carnades.

Faced with either paying his dues or paying with his life, Giovanni made the obvious choice and ended up doing quite a few small jobs for Ebony over the course of the next decade and change (approx  13 years) not only fixing his car but also fixing the other vehicles in the outfit--and giving a disgustingly large portio nof the proceeds from his other "work" directly to Ebony.  Once again, Giovanni was trapped doing the very thing he'd been stuck doing since childhood and not only that, but also indebted to a mobster who had no intention of letting him go.  He desperately tried to find a way out, but it was to no avail--until a near miraculous stroke of "luck".

The Black Arms invasion decimated a significant portion of Mobius, especially Northamer, and no place found itself worse off than Westopolis. For most living there, it seemed like the end times as  the city burned around them. But for Giovanni, it was an opportunity to finally disappear--and never come back.

The invasion soon ended, the repairs soon begun, and the Carnades began to operate once more--but Giovanni was nowhere to be found. Despite a thorough search of the city, the weasel had just...vanished, presumably killed by the aliens or escaping to parts unknown after.  

Giovanni's current location is unknown and those who know of him believe him to be dead, but there have been some apparent sightings of the aged con-man.  Some say they've seen him on the outskirts of Sand Blast City, others say they've seen him working his trade with another individual down in the Southern Baronies, and some even say that he's still in Westopolis, working his craft, and sticking close to the headquarters of the East Side Pack, a noted rival of the Carnades.

[longinglook]

I may or may not have spent my entire Sunday binge watching all of I told sunset about you and Gaya sa pelikula and now I have so many thoughts and feelings that I need to write about them so here we go! Under a read more (if tumblr allows me to) because it’s 2k words hehe

First of all, I knew next to nothing about both shows before starting them. I had seen a couple of gifs here and there, but really had no idea what I was in for.

I started with I told sunset about you, which has 3 episodes out of 5 out. All I knew is that it was going to be beautiful and possibly sad, and it was. Everything about this show is so high quality, from the audio to the dialogue to the locations to the acting, just wow. The production is better than a lot of movies I’ve seen, and every technical aspect is perfect. I am really loving the plot so far as well, I find the childhood friendship to stubborn rivalry to grown up friendship again very relatable. I think it’s a very common experience for a lot of non straight folks to develop an extremely close bond with a same sex friend when you’re too young to realize what you’re actually feeling for them until you’re a lot older and suddely the jealousy and possessivenes all make sense.

I love the recurring themes sprinkled throughout the episodes, starting from the chinese vocabulary that expresses the core thoughts of the two main characters: rival, intimacy, secret, male protagonist, as promised. They could easily be the episode titles, or the names of imaginary sections the show could be divided into. It’s a great way to integrate metaphors and deeper meaning into the plot.

That’s how most of the communication goes in this show, deep emotions are never conveyed through words because words are scary and loud and they can’t be taken back once they’re out there. The plot advances though stares and gestures and touch and gorgeous shots of the landscape. The pace is slow with hour-long episodes that could each be a movie of their own. This worried me a bit before starting, and I have to admit that at times I struggled to stay focused, especially during scenes that set the mood but don’t do much plot-wise. This is just a personal preference, though, and in no way I see it as a flaw. 

The dancing around each other the main characters do, sometimes literal, is frustrating but it determines an emotional build up that’s just starting to reach its peak. This is one of those shows that has me screaming if only they talked to each other, but the silences and unspoken words are so well directed and acted that it works. I struggle a lot with keeping in mind that they’re still in high school, they’re very young and I can’t expect them to act rationally just yet. 

I was really worried about Teh possibly going the insufferable Theory-of-love-khai way, and I am still not 100% sold on him. When he started helping Oh-aew again it felt like he was just doing it to make himself feel better about the whole thing. It was frustrating to see him so possessive and jealous while also so deeply in denial about his own feelings, to the point where he had me rooting for Bas instead. He was getting better, but then he fled at the end of episode 3 and now I have no clue what’s going to happen next. About this, I really have no idea if they’re going for a happy ending or a sad one. I’m really hoping it will be good, because so far there has been barely any emotional payoff for all the repressed longing and misunderstanding the show has put us through.

I do like their dynamic a lot though, I have a weak spot for childhood friends reconnecting and an ever weaker spot for informal mentor/mentee relationships. Oh-aew asking Teh to tutor him until he passes the admission exam was an almost exact mirror of Yuri on ice Yuri begging Victor to be his coach until he retires and I loved that a lot.

Now on to the one issue I have with this show: it feels too much like an art film. It reminds me of Moonlight and Call me by your name, in the way that I wasn’t able to connect with those movies because they are too perfect. They are so beautiful and carefully crafted that I can’t fully immerse myself in them. There’s a filter that stops me from relating to the characters and constantly reminds me that this is not reality. It’s pretty, it’s extremely well done, but it feels like art. It has some quirks, some scenes that feel too artificial. One scene in particular, the one where Teh buries his head in the paper Oh-aew wrote with his coconut scented pen to sniff it, which is a direct parallel to Call me by your name, bothered me in particular. Just as it felt over-the-top and purposefully weird in the movie, so it feels in the show. It’s a way of showcasing how a confused teen deals with attraction he barely understands, it’s raw and animalistic in a way, but it’s so quirky that all it accomplishes is to remind me that I’m watching an lgbt show. It makes me wonder if a scene like this would make sense in a straight relationship because here it seems to highlight how different and primal his attraction is. If I had to pinpoint it, I’d say that I have a problem with media showcasing queerness though peculiar, purposefully awkward scenes like these instead of normal kissing and cuddling.

Overall, I can’t wait to see how this show ends and I still think it’s one of the best bls to air in 2020, if not ever. It’s refreshing to see something with a big budget used well! So far my rating is 8/10, which I know is a lot lower than what everyone else seems to think but it’s still very much subject to change! Just hoping they won’t pull a Make our days count, but I doubt they’ll go there.

And now Gaya sa pelikula. Wow. Again, I knew next to nothing about this show before watching, and I was coming from a 3 hour I told sunset about you binge watch, so the bar was pretty high.

And boy, did this show deliver. I was blown away by the depth and the humor of it. It feels like the writers had fun taking all sorts of common tropes and stereotypes just to show everyone how well they can be evolved and made complex. Two strangers who somehow find themselves sharing an apartment sounds like the start of so many fanfictions out there, but it’s so well executed and interesting that you don’t even stop to think about how weak the premises for their meeting are. It doesn’t matter and it’s not even that far-fetched, either. The sister and the neighbor are also two characters that start off as extra stereotyped, but in just a few scenes they unveil an incredible depth and backstory. It blew me away.

Each character is so realistic. Everything they do and say makes sense, they all have their reasons and their past and they react accordingly, it’s so coherent. It’s impressive how everything takes place inside the house and you barely realize it because things happen and the plot moves anyways, and the way information about external events and people is conveyed is so seamless that you don’t even notice it. In only 7 episodes (so far) they have managed to give everyone a complex background and personality through the use of objects and small details and wow don’t get me started on the music.

The soundtrack is SO GOOD. I never really pay attention to music in shows but it plays a very important role here in my opinion and, well, it’s exactly the kind of music I like listening to and ahhh I just spent 4 hours playing the first kiss song on loop so I might be biased. Right from the start in episode 1, when Karl gives in to Vlad’s music and starts dancing to it, it’s established that it’s an important element to the mood of each scene. I love how the dancing I talked about for I told sunset about you comes back here, but while I saw it as a hesitant dancing around each other there, here it’s the opposite, it’s freeing and it’s about accepting yourself. And the end of episode 6 highlights this, with the beautiful quote “You are entitled to a love that lets you dance without fear and shame.” It made me cry a looooot.

I think the development of their relationship is masterfully done. It doesn’t happen too quickly nor too slowly. Karl goes through some needed shocks that act as his wake up call. When I’m watching bl shows I care the most about them feeling real and relatable. I don’t want to feel like they were written by a straight person trying to guess what it’s like to be gay. Now I didn’t look anything up about the Gaya sa pelikula writers, but I’d be very surprised if they were straight. I can relate to both Karl and Vlad for different aspects of their stories and their worries and thoughts. There was one part in particular that hit so close that I had to take a few breaks because it hurt too much. I am a lesbian, I’ve had relationship with a girl that lasted over a year, I am out to some friends but not all. I never came out to my parents, who are both very open minded and friends with a lot of gay people and would love me just as much if I told them, and yet I can’t. It’s not just that, I am terrified by the idea of them already knowing or being able to guess. When Karl freaked out over his uncle guessing, it hit me so hard because I’ve felt the same way so many times.

Episode 7 was amazing. I hate badly written drama the most, and 99% of shows can’t come up with any good reason for drama but they have to put it in there anyways and it sucks. This was the complete opposite, I adored it and I say this as a lover of fluff. It feels right, I think it’s an issue that would come up between two people like them. They are both right and the only thing that could happen there is what actually went down. I definitely think things will be fixed by the end and I am looking forward to it, but I am very glad this issue was included because it’s so important and so true to many lgbt people’s lives.

Another aspect I absolutely adored are the multiple references to lgbt theory and language, and Vlad has some of the best lines I’ve ever heard coming from a bl. When he tells Karl not to be afraid of the word, when he explains that “you don’t look gay” isn’t a compliment, when he scolds his sister for not acknowledging the things she used to say to him by covering them up with her ally act, those are all such important and educative moments that I hope everyone listens to. I love that Vlad is not correcting some ignorant bad guy, but it’s his accepting and loving friends and family that make the mistakes, because sometimes being supportive your own way isn’t enough if you’re not actively learning from the ones you want to support.

This is a 10/10 for me right now. I can’t find anything I don’t like about it. It never feels boring, it never feels overdone, it never feels cheap or unoriginal. It went straight to the top of my favorite bls.

And now I can’t help but compare the two a bit, because yes they are two different shows but right now the relationships they portray have reached the same point: there has been a climax and now the one who is more confused about his sexuality is panicking and taking a step back. It’s a coincidence that I watched both shows on the same day when their last aired episodes end in such a similar way, but it really leads me to compare the two. I don’t want to put them one against each other or say which one did it better because that’s not the point of this, they are both two amazing and important shows who are excelling in what they’re doing. 

Gaya sa pelikula is down to earth, it’s explicit and it’s straight to the point in explaining what’s going on inside each character’s head. It feels like watching real people deal with real struggles. I told sunset about you is a lot more subtle and quiet, and since we don’t really have a clear insight in the characters’ heads sometimes it’s hard to completely understand what’s going on with them. It’s a completely different way of narrating, and while Gaya sa pelikula makes me feel like I’m a part of the events, I told sunset about you feels like I’m just spectating from an outside perspective. They are different choices, but one of them ends up feeling a lot more emotional to me than the other.

To wrap it up, I highly recommend both shows and I can’t wait to see how they’ll end! They are both among the best shows of the year, both free of all those annoyingly stereotyped characters and plot points that most bls tend to overuse.

[fandomarchiveilyd]

You’re my Favorite Shouta Aizawa x reader oneshot

warning: Fluff

Word count: 1748

masterlist

When y/n agreed to teach at UA, she didn’t understand the exact amount of stress it would add to her daily life until she actually started the job. However, this is not to say that she hate’s her job. y/n thrived over helping students train towards their ultimate goal to heroism. Her bubbly personality is loved by all of her students and for the most part, her class enjoyed every lecture. She was always so engaging and hands on with her explanation, and she made sure to keep each individual students’ quirk in mind in order to help them push through their limitation.

And as much as she loved her job, y/n would be the first to admit that being a UA teacher takes a lot out of your personal life. She rarely has time to herself in order to remind her that she is more then just a teacher, but she is y/n, who had her own loves and hobbies outside of the UA walls. Ever since she had to move on campus and start nightly patrols, the rare hours to herself dwindled down to almost nothing.

That’s why y/n is so grateful to her work best friend Shouta Aizawa.

y/n has no idea how stoic, sleeping bag wear, stone faced, no emotion Aizawa became her best friend when she’s the exact opposite to him personality wise, but nevertheless, they kept each other sane at work. A feature that they need to survive their chaotic work environment, especially when you have to work with a living boombox and a walking BDSM master.

It was one of those days where y/n could barely keep her eyes open. The night occupied her time with grading homework and patrolling the campus. She was barely able to get two hours of sleep before she had to wake up to restart the whole routine. Her normally bubbly personality was lack luster as she treads through the day.

During her lunch break Aizawa plopped his sleeping bag at the table she was napping at. y/n shot up from her resting position.

“I swear I was not sleeping Principal Nezu!” She insisted, even though her eyes were barely open. Aizawa let out a single chuckle and sat at the chair in front of her.

“Yeah, you’re very convincing.” y/n groaned and tried to wipe the sleepys out of her eyes.

“What time is it?”

“It’s only been 10 minutes.” She groaned again. “How are you so awake right now? One more nightly patrol and I am going to pass out in the middle of class.” Aizawa looked at her in bewilderment.

“Have you met me before? I am never awake. I just mastered the skill to do things in my sleep.” y/n sighed. “I don’t think my body is happy with me being up for more then 24 hours.”

Aizawa gestured to the bright yellow sleeping bag that he laid on the table. “You can burrow my sleeping bag. There are a couple of filing cabinets in the back that you can hide between. I gurantee you that no one will notice that you were ever back there.” Aizawa suggested. y/n lifted an eyebrow.

“How many times have you done this?”

“So many times that there are already a couple of pillows placed on the floor. They have been here for about 4 weeks now.” y/n let out a shallow laugh. “Why am I not surprised?” Aizawa shrugged. He shoved the bag closer to her side of the table.

“Take the sleeping bag. You need to sleep.” y/n slowly shaked her head as she tried to will herself awake. “I have a class in 15 minutes.”

“It’s just study hall isn’t it? Let me cover for you.”

“I can’t let you do that!” She protested, “Next period is your lunch break.” Again, Aizawa shrugged. “I didn’t even bring anything to eat for lunch. I think I can live a day without my lunch break.”

y/n sighed as she can see that Aizawa would not take no for an answer.

“What would I do without you?” She asked as she gathered the bag in her lap.

“You probably would have passed out in the middle of the hallway and get trampled by a bunch of pre-hero students and died on impact.” y/n giggled as she got up from her chair. She walked towards Aizawa’s seat and unconsciously kissed him on the lips. Her head to foggy and eyes to drowsy to notice what she did.

“You know you’re my favorite person right?” Aizawa turned away from her to hide the slight redness spread across his face. Yes, it’s just redness, it’s hot in the room. Aizawa would never admit that he just blushed. He faked a cough as he tried to avoid eye contact. Unfortunately, he was not staring right at Hizashi teasing him and making kissy faces.

“Yeah, I better be.” Aizawa muttered.

When y/n woke up from her nap, she immediately wanted to punch herself in the face when she remembered what she did.

“I can’t believe you kissed him!” y/n muttered to herself in the comfort of her own room. “God what kind of idiot are you! He most be so uncomfortable with you now! How am I going to fix this?” y/n was pacing so much that she was sure that she had started leaving track marks on her wooden floor. She rubbed her face furiously and pulled at her own hair.

“There is no way that he doesn’t know about your crush for him now! Oh god Hizashi was there too! He is never going to let me forget about this! How can you single handedly ruin the best friendship you had just because you were tired?” y/n was really yelling at herself at this point. She was surprised none of her neighbors had come in and told her to shut up yet.

She nervously bit at her thumb nail as she tried to figure out how she can explain why she kissed him without revealing her massive crush on him.

“Maybe I can say I was so sleep drunk that I didn’t know what I was doing!” She theorized, “Or maybe I can pretend that I didn’t do it if he never brings it up.” She groaned and threw her hands in the air.

“No, y/n there’s only one way to save this. Say you’re sorry and move on and pray to whatever god is listening that our relationship doesn’t change after this.” She took a deep breath as she tried to come herself down.

“And if I want to say sorry, I will have to bring presents.”

And that is why y/n was attempting to make her first bento box at 2 am in the morning. 5 failed attempts at making a cute hotdog octopus later, she finally felt proud of her creation and anxiously waited for the right time to hand him her peace offering. Let’s hope that this was enough for him to forgive her.

y/n bit her lips nervously as she lingered outside the door that lead to the teacher’s lounge. She knew that Aizawa would be grading papers at this time. She knew that Aizawa had a habit of not bring himself lunch and he never had time to go to Lunch Rush, so she hoped that today he didn’t decide to deviate from his own schedule.

Her heart was pounding against her chest, the blood rushing to her ears was the only thing she can hear despite the bustling feet of students hidden in the background. She took a deep breath, letting the air escape through her mouth. You can do this y/n. Just go in there, and say sorry, and move on.

“Whatcha got there?” y/n yelped and jumped so hard she almost felt herself leaving her own body. She spun around and noticed Aizawa leaning down to look at her. Her eyes darted up to him. The hallways were clear and there was no one else in sight.

“W-what are you doing out here?” She asked. Aizawa squinted at her. “I was going to ask you the same thing. Why are you waiting outside the teacher’s lounge? I know I joke that you look like a student, but you know that you don’t need permission to enter right?” y/n chuckled nervously.

“Um, I was actually looking for you,” She admitted. He nodded. “Well you found me. What can I do for you?” He asked, crossing his arms across his chest as he leaned against the door.

God it has to be illegal to be that attractive. His tight black shirt clung to his toned arms. Aizawa left his scruff in class 1-A so you can clearly see the 5 o’clock shadow perfectly shaping his already chiseled face. His hair tied in a mess bun.

y/n swallowed hard as she tried not to imagine how his hair would feel if she carded her fingers through his locks—

“I wanted to give this to you!” She said suddenly, jotting out the cute bento box that she clenched in her hands. Aizawa looked down at it curiously.

“What did I do to deserve a bento box?” Aizawa propped himself back up as he grabbed the box, he opened the lid and smiled at the poorly cut hotdogs. y/n chewed on her bottom lip nervously.

“It’s a thank you for letting me burrow your sleeping bag yesterday. If I didn’t take that nap, I don’t think I would be able to walk home las night.” She explained, “I also wanted to apologize for kissing you yesterday. It was inappropriate and despite the fact that I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time, we’re co-workers and best friends. I don’t want to ruin our friendship and I understand if you don’t feel the same way—” y/n was not able to finish her sentence, however.

Aizawa gently wrapped his free hand around her jaw as he leaned down to capture her lips against his. It was weird at first. The kiss was sudden with no warning and their teeth clashed, and their noses bumped against each other. But when y/n’s mind can finally understand what was happening, she melted completely into him.

When they pulled apart, y/n took a minute to find her voice.

“So… does this mean you like me?” She asked stupidly, her mind dizzy from his lips. Aizawa chuckled lowly and nodded.

“I’ve liked you since day one.” y/n nodded.

“Good.”

[lunetheaveragefan]

one day...

Hi, y’all! Sorry there’s been such a delay for Chapter 2. I’ve been super busy with school and dance and other activities and all that. Also, I decided about halfway through my original Chapter 2 that I was going to alternate between Virgil and Roman’s perspectives so I had to start a new chapter from scratch. But that means that now-Chapter 3 has already been started, so hopefully I’ll have it done by Friday this week!

A Sander Sides high school AU

Pairing: Prinxiety and some background Logicality

Summary: Virgil is used to being alone. He only has one friend, Logan. But when Logan makes a new friend, things begin to change as two more join their group. Roman, a boisterous theater kid, seems determined to destroy Virgil’s lonely, average life. How much will Virgil’s life change?

Warnings: Some cursing and quick mentions of a possible fight/hospital. If you notice anything else, let me know!

Word Count: 1,919

anyway, here it is!

--------------------------------------------------------

CHAPTER TWO

Roman Princeford is absolutely, completely, terribly humiliated. 

He can’t stop blushing in embarrassment, and it only makes it worse when the classes are boring and he can't stop his mind from drifting to that morning. Like now, for example. 

Stupid, stupid Roman, he chastises himself. Why didn’t you notice him there, you oblivious dumbass? 

He groans and buries his head in his hands. 

“Is something wrong, Roman?” the math teacher asks. “Do you need help?” Yes, but not the help you can give me, Roman thinks. He takes a breath and fixes a dazzling smile on. 

“No, Mrs. Perry, I’m doing fine! Thank you for your offer of assistance, however!” he exclaims in his usual lyrical way. Roman always makes an effort to seem like he’s reading off a script, especially one where there’s a heroic prince he can play. It always makes him feel better when he plays a part. Then, Roman can imagine that he is the character. The same qualities, traits, life, everything. 

He can ignore how stupid he is and pretend he’s a brave, dashing prince. The princes in stories would never have the problems Roman’s been having. 

Mrs. Perry walks off, rolling her eyes, not without fondness, and Roman turns back to his math. Shoving his mind out of fantasy, he tries to solve the problems. It seems like he’s gotten nowhere by the time the bell rings. Throwing his paper into his bag, he hurries out of the room. 

“Heya, Roman!” Patton Hart, his best friend, calls through the throng of people. Roman slows down so Patton can catch up. “How ya doing?”

“Uhh, Patton, I am a disaster!” Roman proclaims. “You’ll never guess what happened this morning!”

“Oh no! What did you do this time?” Patton asks jokingly as they enter the classroom. History is one of the few classes they have together, so they always walk from fifth period there. 

“I was telling a story, a great one, mind you, and knocked over a poor, innocent student!” Roman throws down his bag next to his seat and plops into the hard plastic chair. “I didn’t mean to, I swear. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was who I hit!” Pausing for dramatic effect, Roman finishes, “It was Virgil! I knocked over Virgil Tempest!”

Patton’s mouth forms a small ‘o’. He starts to laugh, but after seeing how embarrassed Roman is, he stops and places a hand on his shoulder. “What did he say?”

“Nothing much. Just some mumble-jumble. But now I can’t stop thinking about him! I didn’t get a single thing done in math! It’s terrible, Patton. My entire life is all going to go downhill from here! I’ll become ineligible for the play because I’m failing all my classes! I won’t be able to graduate, and then I’ll have to work.” He shudders. “That’s it! I’m done for. I’ll never accomplish anything!” He collapses back against the chair for dramatic effect. He knows he’s being very extra, but honestly, what else does anyone expect at this point? He’s Roman Princeford, after all. 

If only I were the brave, loud, daring person the whole school thinks I am.

“Woah, woah, woah there buddy!” Patton comforts. “I’m sure you’ll do fine. You aren’t going to fail high school. You just gotta tell him how you feel! Then you won’t have to worry about it anymore!”

Roman looks at Patton in shock.

“Tell him how I feel?” Patton nods, encouraging. Roman sits back up. “And make a fool of myself yet again? No thank you! He hates me, you know that! I’d be better off flunking high school! How could I look into those beautiful brown eyes in that beautiful face and tell him I had a crush on him! Impossible, I say! Impossible!” He throws out his hands, but then remembers that the exact same movement started this whole thing. Quickly, his hands fall back to his sides.

Patton chuckles. “It’s not as hard as you think, Ro-ro! You’ll do great. And I’m sure he doesn’t hate you.” Roman sighs. “Hey, why don’t you—”

“Boys in the back,” the history teacher says, shooting a look at Roman and Patton, “it’s time for class. Pay attention please.” They both nod at turn away from each other and towards the board. 

Roman doesn’t pay attention to a single word of the lecture. All he can think about is Virgil’s freckles and his eyes and his lips and his laugh, which Roman had only heard briefly while walking past him but loved nonetheless. How come I’ve never noticed that Virgil had freckles before? he wonders. Goddammit, is that boy just going to keep getting more and more amazing? 

Roman chuckles to himself, thinking, Oh my god, I’m so gay. Deciding he should probably start listening to what the teacher is saying, he shoves any and all thoughts of Virgil from his mind and fills the gaps with information about the buildup to World War 1.  

After class, Patton rushes up to him. He pulls Roman to the side of the hallway in a little nook where the row of lockers end. 

“After school, you should come with me to this coffee shop,” Patton says, a little smile on his face. Roman knows that smile. He’s up to no good. 

“Why?” His voice rises with suspicion at the end of the word. 

“My lab partner, Logan Wise, you know him, said that we should meet up to work on our project after school.” A blush rises to Patton’s cheeks causing Roman to smirk as he figures it out. 

“Someone’s got a cru-ush,” Roman teases, voice sing-songy and laughing. 

“That’s not the point,” Patton says, blushing even harder. 

“Fine.” Roman lowers his voice to a whisper. “But you can’t hide it from me. I’m the love whisperer, remember?” Throughout their years of high school, Roman had been responsible for setting up many couples. It’s gotten to a point where almost every day, he has someone walk up to him, asking him to help set them up with whoever their crush happens to be. 

“Well, maybe I have a crush, but so do you. And you do know who Logan’s best friend is, right?” Patton responds, that same mischievous smile. Roman chuckles, looking around in a fond mix of exasperation and amusement. 

“Virgil,” he finally says. Patton’s smile grows wider. “Look, I told you. I can’t talk to him. I’ll just make a fool of myself!”

“Fine,” Patton says. “Suit yourself.” He pats Roman on the shoulder and starts to walk away. Before he’s completely out of sight, he turns and yells, “Just think about it, okay?” Roman rolls his eyes at his friend’s shameless attempts to set him up and heads to choir. 

------------------

Slinging his bag over his shoulder, Roman shuts his locker with a bang. He joins the flood of people heading towards the front doors. He spills out of the school and heads towards his car. Once he’s only a few yards away, he unlocks the doors and dumps his things inside the passenger door. After waving to a few other kids on their way out that he knows, he gets into the driver’s side.

Alone, finally, Roman allows himself to drop the fake smile. Ugh, you goddamn idiot. How did you not notice him there? Now he hates you even more. Good going, Roman! Love whisperer, yeah right.

If only I could just talk to him…

Shoving his embarrassment and frustration aside, he starts the car and pulls out of the school, heading home. His route home winds its way through the downtown streets. Roman is so used to driving the same streets, he’s startled to notice something unordinary. 

A few cars ahead of him is Patton’s silver car. What is he doing over here? Patton lives on the opposite side of downtown as Roman, and while the town is relatively small, it’s still strange. Roman is sure he’s never seen Patton drive this way home before. 

Turning onto 4th Street, Roman watches Patton, now directly ahead of him, park in an open spot in front of one of the little shops lining the street. The sign above says “The Sanders Cafe” in swirly cursive lettering. A decal of a little cupcake sitting next to a cup of coffee accompanies it. 

Oh, right, Roman remembers. Patton and Logan were meeting up to work on their chemistry thingy. 

And Virgil is probably going to be there. No matter how much he tries to block the thought, it still shows up. Roman has tried to get Virgil out of his mind, but it never works. He always pops up when Roman least expects it. Frankly, Roman finds it quite frustrating. 

Lost in thought, Roman turns one intersection too early. “I guess I’ll just go around the block,” he sighs. It had been a long day, and he was looking forward to crashing when he got home. The detour would only cost about 5 minutes but still. Annoying.

Roman’s phone buzzes in the center console while he’s waiting to turn back onto 4th Street, the one with the cafe on it. One quick glance down at it tells Roman it’s from Patton. Checking the road to make sure he has the time, he looks back to read what it says. 

“Patton…” he groans. 

“I think you should come to the cafe with me. I’m waiting outside. Just give it a chance, kiddo!” reads the text message. However much Roman would like to deny it, he does want to go with Patton. On impulse, he finds a parking spot and pulls in. Patton is parked a few spots down, still sitting in his car. He hasn’t noticed Roman yet, and Roman’s glad for that. 

“Come on, Roman,” he says, trying to give himself a pep talk. “Think about what a prince would do. He’d charge in there without a second thought. It wouldn’t matter what would happen because it would be in the name of love. You got this. What’s the worst that could happen, besides Virgil hating the sight of you so much he instantly fights you the second he sees you and you lose and have to go to the hospital and become the laughing stock of the school because while under anesthesia you admit your feelings for Virgil and now everyone knows and—”

A knock on the driver’s side window cuts Roman’s worrying off. When Roman looks up, he sees Patton’s grinning face. The other boy waves enthusiastically and gives him a thumbs up. 

You got this. Be a prince, Roman. It’s in your name, after all. Taking a deep breath and clenching his fists in determination, Roman grabs his phone off the console and double checks to make sure he has his wallet. 

Patton practically assaults him the moment he steps outside the car, talking in a rapid stream of words, but Roman can’t hear anything over the ever-increasing beating of his heart. They walk up to the front door, Patton ahead of Roman, still rambling about something from foods class. 

The moment they walk in, the little silver bell dinging above them, Roman forgets all his worries because there Virgil is, sitting in a booth with another boy, — Logan, probably — his hair falling in front of his face, teeth gnawing on his lip in concentration and Oh god, that boy is beautiful. 

And then Virgil looks up at them, and Roman swears he can feel his heart drop all the way to the ground.

[imnotoverlyobsessive]

Aight my dudes here’s chapter four of Oopsie Daisies have fun. Thanks again to @edward-or-ford for editing!

Looks Like Someone Picked a Whole Bushel of Oopsie Daisies Chapter Four: Shadows

You’re all I want and I don’t know why. This new addiction is all I know, and it’s safe to say that I’ve lost control. - 2 in the Chest, 1 in the Head, New Years Day

Mabel knew a great many things. She knew how to fix rips in tights and leggings without making it noticeable (and if it was noticeable, it was fucking fabulous, okay?). She knew how to straighten and re-curl her hair in just the right way. She knew how to contour her makeup to change the way her facial structure appeared, and how to paint a mug while keeping it dishwasher safe.

Mabel was, of course, interested enough in those things to learn about them. What she was not interested in is how things work. It was far more important that they do work rather than how, as far as she was concerned. So whenever her Grunkles, dad, and Dipper got together to watch a marathon of How It’s Made on the Shack’s frankly ancient TV, both Mabel and her mom were bored out of their minds.

She was forced to learn plenty in school, thank you very much. It was winter break. She didn’t wanna learn on winter break. Gross. That’s the exact opposite of what winter break is for, and Mabel was of the opinion that doing otherwise is positively blasphemous, but under the careful tutelage of her mother, she’d long since stopped trying to understand the males of the species. Or rather, the males of her family specifically (she’d managed to obtain a vague grasp on the male minds outside of her family, or at least some of them, she thought. Perhaps the boys at her school were just easy to read, or maybe it was teenage boys in general. Not that they were strictly logical in her mind, of course; she just understood how their brains worked to some degree).

And so, an hour after they return to the Shack from the hike, Mabel found herself standing at the kitchen counter, carefully stacking the fifty-seventh (she hadn’t counted, of course, but it was indeed the fifty-seventh) mini marshmallow on top of its companions in her mug of hot chocolate while the beginnings of their silly show blared in the background.

She was humming an old BABBA song as she plucked another marshmallow from the bag, swaying her hips back and forth to the beat in her mind. She stopped when she heard the sound of footsteps, looking over her shoulder to see Dipper shuffling into the room on socked feet.

He was looking everywhere but her. Mabel found this unusual, but what was infinitely more odd was the way he walked over to her quietly, dropped a folded piece of paper at her feet, and then promptly moved to open the fridge as if nothing at all had occurred.

Dropping the marshmallow into her mug, she reached down to retrieve the paper.

“Uh… Dip, you dro-“

“What do you think I should have to drink?” Dipper cut in quickly, the words sloppy and thrown together without proper enunciation.

Mabel blinked. He didn’t want her to ask about it, that much was evident. A note for her, then, perhaps? A secret note?

“Well… I’m having hot chocolate, myself,” she suggested.

“With an obscene number of marshmallows, I see.”

Mabel gasped and put a hand to her chest. “Me? My dear brother, I am positively offended that you would even suggest such a thing!”

He grinned. “Maybe I’ll have some more cider.” He poured himself a glass and left the room before Mabel could think to ask about the paper again.

Glancing around to make sure nobody was coming, she turned back towards her mug, just so, if needed, she could shove the paper into her sweater pocket unnoticed and pretend she was still preparing her hot chocolate. She unfolded it carefully. Dipper didn’t write her handwritten notes. She was a bit excited (more than a bit, but she would never admit to such a thing). Sue her. His handwriting was messy, and she had some minor difficulties reading it, but she did manage to decipher it after a brief moment of staring at the page.

I need to talk to you in private. Once everyone’s gone to bed here, I’ll pick you up from Candy’s. I’ll text you if anything goes wrong.

In private? Mabel’s heart might very well have stopped. She’d never been alone with Dipper. This afternoon had been the closest she’d ever come to it. Even then, though, they hadn’t been actually, truly, genuinely, legitimately alone. Their parents had been right there. And then they’d been interrupted. Their parents were always there.

She was so nervous, so focused on the way her heart was pounding in her ears, that she completely forgot to put the marshmallows away.

—————

If Mabel could see how nervous Dipper was as he pulled on his jeans and shoes, she wouldn’t have believed it was in any way related to her. If it was somehow proven to her that it was related to her, however, she would have been thrilled beyond all measure.

But Mabel couldn’t see Dipper, as he was on the other end of a text message that read leaving now, and so she remained wholly unaware of the absolute terror he wasn’t bothering to keep from his facial expression, as there was none of the usual audience present.

With no one around to request an explanation, Dipper felt no need to keep his anxiety in check as he placed his shaking foot on the last stair of the Shack.

He was about to walk over to the coat rack by the front door when-

“Dipper,” rang out his father’s voice, the low tone sounding like a roar in the quiet of the house.

Dipper whirled around to face his dad, who was seated in an armchair hidden in the shadows of the living room. It was no wonder Dipper hadn’t noticed him before he spoke; he could’ve been a shadow himself.

Dipper was relieved it was too dark for Mr. Pines to see his expression clearly, the man’s face obscured by darkness. He instead concerned himself with his body language and voice. He hunched himself over as if he were barely awake and faked a yawn.

“Dad, you scared me.”

“What are you doing up this late?” Mr. Pines asked.

“Getting a glass of water. Woke up thirsty,” Dipper explained, careful to keep his voice tired-sounding.

“Mmm,” Mr. Pines nodded. “Kitchen’s that way,” he pointed in the opposite direction Dipper had been walking in, as if Dipper didn’t live there and was not fully aware of the Shack’s layout (note: Dipper was indeed fully aware of the Shack’s layout and could certainly navigate it half asleep).

“Huh?” Dipper said with false bleariness. “Oh, right.”

Shuffling into the kitchen, Dipper poured himself a glass of water and moved sluggishly back to the living room with it in hand.

“Goodnight, son.”

“Night, dad,” Dipper mumbled with more fake sleepiness.

If Mabel had seen it, she wouldn’t know what to feel. But she hadn’t seen it, because Dipper was on the other end of a dad’s awake, we’ll have to tomorrow text.

She also couldn’t see the expression he made when she replied, asking why he couldn’t just text it to her, and not to keep her in suspense, nor could Dipper see her inflamed face (and neck and ears, if we’re honest, but don’t share such observances with Mabel) or the way she was biting her lip nervously, perhaps he might not have been as nervous. Perhaps he might have even been hopeful.

But alas, neither twin had the other in their sight, and were therefore doomed to be eaten alive by their anxiety and respective insecurities.

If one knows anything about teenage girls (and perhaps even a fair percentage of women as well), one is fully cognizant of the rather unfortunate tendency many of them have to analyze, reanalyze, and overanalyze each individual word, action, and tone of voice that emerges from the object of their affection.

In Mabel’s case, she was seated on the cold tiles of Candy’s bathroom, back leaning against the locked door. It was late enough that Grenda and Candy were asleep, thankfully. Recently, Mabel had been taking forever to fall asleep. Which was strange, because she had never had any issues that could be anywhere near insomnia before. Thus, everyone else fell asleep before she did.

It wasn’t her fault. Honestly, it wasn’t! It was just that Dipper was so damn attractive and sweet and funny, and how could she sleep when she could only fight her thoughts of him while conscious? He plagued her dreams, so she couldn’t even escape him in sleep the way she used to be able to do. He had invaded her every thought, every moment, every breath. He was in her bloodstream. In her veins. She could not escape her yearning for him.

And so, as she sat on the bathroom floor staring at her phone, at Dipper’s last text of I need to tell you in person, she typed out a slow, resigned okay and leaned her head back against the door.

What was going on with him? He’d told her so many things over text before and it had never been an issue. Why was this different? Maybe he was only insisting on telling her in person because they were so close distance-wise, which wasn’t a regular occurance, of course, but maybe he’d have been perfectly fine with telling her whatever it was over text if she hadn’t been visiting Gravity Falls? Or maybe he’d want to FaceTime or Skype instead? Or maybe it was so very important he tell her in person that he’d actually been waiting since the last time they had seen each other?

But what could be so important? How was it so important he needed to tell her in person? Was it truly so different than every other thing he’d ever told her? Countless stories and anecdotes and complaints and late-night phone calls and existential discussions; how was this different?

No matter how much she thought and analyzed it (which, rest assured, was a great deal indeed), she kept coming back to one thing, one unthinkable, horrifying, terrifying, heart-wrenching, devastating scenario:

What if he’d found his soulmate?

What else would have been so important, made it so essential he told her in person? The more she thought about it, the more it made sense.

Dipper had never mentioned how he felt about the prospect of having a soulmate. He knew how she felt about hers, and having a soulmark, but he’d never shared his own feelings with her in return.

Which was fair, honestly, because soulmates and soulmarks were intensely personal things. She might as well have asked him to strip down and do some nude modeling for her (which, side note, that sounded positively heavenly. She never drew him or painted him where anybody could see; only in the secret sketchbook she kept in a locked drawer in her bedroom, and those drawings were primarily focused on his jawline and facial structure, although she had drawn his butt on more than a few occasions. And his arms. And his torso. What could she say? She looked at him a lot, studied the way he moved, and he inspired her to create. In any case, she’d absolutely love to see him naked, obviously, because who wouldn’t, but to draw him… get it together Mabel, you’re getting all worked up!), which… was not going to happen, tragically.

He’d never shared anything regarding his soulmate with her. That meant, of course, that he hadn’t found his yet, nor was he in the unusual soulmarked-but-not-knowing-with-whom situation that Mabel herself was in. As indicated by his insistence on telling her in person (which he had, of course, never insisted upon before, or even expressed a passing desire to tell her something in person rather than digitally), whatever it was must have been more important than anything he’d ever told her.

What was more important than him finding his soulmate? She couldn’t think of another possibility. Couldn’t even fathom it, no matter how hard she tried. Unfortunately, she couldn’t really fathom the possibility that he might’ve found his soulmate, either, but that was primarily because she didn’t want to.

What would that be like, to watch him with his soulmate? Knowing Mabel’s luck, she’d never find out who hers was (she’d clearly been around him her whole life and had yet to find him, so what were the odds she’d figure it out later? Once she left school, she’d probably start experiencing withdrawal symptoms, which would be horrible, but she had long since accepted the likelihood of that), and since she saw Dipper regularly and talked to him all the time, it wasn’t likely she’d get over him.

Family gatherings could be a real bitch.

Which meant, of course, that Mabel was doomed to suffer withdrawal symptoms for the rest of her life while watching the man she loved, who just so happened to be her twin brother, find his soulmate, fall in love, get married, and have children. It was when she considered things like that that the idea of regularly consuming Smile Dip sounded fan-freaking-tastic. At least then she’d be too out of it to suffer.

Mabel wasn’t one for wallowing in self-pity and misery. She was a fairly positive person. Whenever she found herself moping or depressed, she could usually pull herself out of it. In that respect, she was tremendously lucky, as not everyone was capable of that.

But with this, loving Dipper (or rather, being in love with Dipper, which she very much was)... there was this sadness deep inside of her that she just couldn’t seem to shake. She could tuck it away in the back of her mind, pretend it wasn’t there. At least for awhile, anyway. But it never left. Not really. It was always there, in the box she’d locked it away in. Sometimes, though, the box broke open, and it would consume her, like shadows consuming light.

When she thought of Dipper with his soulmate, smiling at a nameless, faceless stranger, beaming at his wedding (knowing Dipper, he’d insist she be a bridesmaid. What agony that would be), holding a child that wasn’t Mabel’s, could never, ever be Mabel’s (Mabel would probably be the godmother, too), the shadows never failed to consume her.

She pulled her legs to her chest, resting her forehead on her knees, and let the tears fall.

[little-miss-dumpsterfire]

I think I made you up inside my head - chapter three

Chapter three my select few darlings! Yes, it’s already on wattpad (sorry if you’ve read it already) but I like to share!

Are you ready kids?

Chapter Three - I am only what you made me. I am only a reflection of you

Trigger warning - mental health issues and blood/gore.

If you're not comfortable, please skip. 💛

******************************************

Sharp tears prickled in his hazel eyes as the ability to form coherent words seemed to escape him. He had known the minor details surrounding Lindsay's untimely death - a reality tv darling dropping dead was headline-worthy - but her family were tight-lipped about the exact circumstances of her demise. His mind raced as he tried to comprehend how Izzy had known all of this; her knowledge rivalled that of a fly on the bathroom wall. As if she could hear his innermost thoughts, Izzy answered his unspoken question.

"I knew the right people to ask," she told him, brushing the hair out from in front of her eyes, "I knew she didn't just die. I wasn't going to let her death be treated in such a blasé fashion."

Axel choked, the words lodged deeply in his throat. "Bu- I mean... how did you get the mirror?"

"I found it one day. It was in a box on my doorstep. Any sane person would leave it be, but if the media established anything, I'm clearly not seen as sane. So I opened it. I don't know who sent it to me. My money's on a producer who revels in the sadistic thrill derived from the torment and suffering we went through. I couldn't throw it away though, because what would be left of her if I did? She was already condemned to the ground. I wasn't going to be the one to throw her memory to the wind."

Izzy looked to her left, her reflection dimly lit in the glass cabinet on the far wall. "In my head... all I think of is when it's all over, is this how I'll be defined? The final victim of Total Drama... that's etched into my brain. I'll become another knick-knack in a hall of curiosities. We're no longer people in here, Axel, we're collectables."

Thoughts bounced around erratically in Axel's head - conflicting notions manifesting like an angel and a devil on his shoulder. In front of him was a woman who was struggling with the turmoil outliving all of her friends. Yet, the magnetic pull of the almighty dollar swayed his actions towards chasing stardom.

He lightly gripped her forearm, giving her his best convincing empathetic smile.

"Tell me the stories. Let the voices out of the purgatory that is your mind. Everything...one, everyone in here will not be relegated to the sidelines, I won't let that happen." Axel assured Izzy, his warm smile twitching at the corners of his mouth.

Ignoring the suspicion that washed over her thoughts - for the time being at least - Izzy continued walking down the aisles of shelves. Axel shadowed her, following a few paces behind, mindlessly fiddling with the items on display. Two tarnished faux-gold lockets sat near each other, the two halves of the 'BFF' heart separate from one another. As he went to push the two sections together, Izzy stopped him abruptly and pushed his hand away.

"No," she started, startling Axel with the sudden sternness. "They can't be together. They don't share a heart anymore."

"So what? They grew out of being obnoxious teenage girls and went their separate ways. Big fucking deal!"

She stared daggers into him, holding the shelving for support. "You've got no idea, kid. Just because the sun's covered, it doesn't mean your shadow's gone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As far as appearances were concerned, Katie and Sadie were almost each other's doubles. Matching short pigtails with bright pink hair ties, coordinated short shorts, crop-tops and wedged sandals... the two looked like they fell from opposite sides of a funhouse mirror. To all of us on the cast, and the audience at home, no doubt, the only differentiating factor between the two was their build. Katie was slim and taller than Sadie by about four inches, whereas Sadie was shorter and carried more weight.

The two 'BFFL's sat together on the stairs leading to the dock, ready to film their segment for the opening sequence. Waiting for the crew to finish setting up the camera equipment, Katie busies herself with refastening her hair ties.

"Okay girls," an unseen producer informs them, "we need your best-infatuated expression. So give up wide eyes, big smiles, the whole nine yards."

The girls nod in response, awaiting their cue. Sadie clasped her hands against her chest - a wide smile plastered on her face - and Katie bit her lip coyly.

"And.... cut. Alright, move set to the dock for Beth's fire-baton stunt. Doug, remember the extinguisher this time." The producer called about. "Great job, girls. Especially you, Katie. That lip bite was dynamic."

Sadie looked to her right at her best friend. "Wait, you bit your lip? We agreed on a wide-mouthed smile."

"It's no big deal, I just wanted to try something different," Katie shrugged, readjusting her shoulder strap. "We can't always be the same, you know?"

Personality-wise, once you got to know them separately, it was like night and day. Katie was free-spirited, leading with her heart. Her passion for all things fashion was evident through her and Sadie's matching outfits and her behind-the-scenes chats with the likes of Lindsay and Heather. Sadie, on the other hand, was more logical, leading with her head. She was more likely to be the sheep as opposed to the shepherd. And when Katie was eliminated early? It was like leading a lamb to the slaughter.

Sadie sat on a jagged log at the campfire, head in her hands violently sobbing. Bridgette futilely offered her support, attempting to coax the girl from her hysterical state.

"Hey, Sadie, it'll be okay. You've got all us Killer Bass on your side." Bridgette lightly rubbed circles on the crying girl's back.

"No!" Sadie snapped at Bridgette, tears staining her cheeks. "It's not okay! I need Katie. When she's not near me, I break out in hives. She's my everything! I need her more than oxygen! Without her... I'll just die!"

Concerned expressions flashed on the faces of their fellow teammates as Sadie's wails echoed through the woods of Camp Wawanakwa. She clutched the debris from the dock closer to her chest; small cracks formed as wooden shrapnel shattered from around the edges.

What we thought back then was just a toxic 'uber' friendship between two sixteen-year-old girls was far more deep-rooted than any of us anticipated. Regarding Sadie... the best way to sum that up is to quote my dearly missed best friend Noah: 'Sadie is a whackjob with more baggage than an airport terminal'. But I suppose that is giving her a disservice. Upon Katie's departure, Chris was notified by Sadie's therapist of the extent of her mental state. I found out too because back then, well, let's just say you couldn't leave me in the dark for too long.

Sadie's childhood wasn't easy in the slightest. Her relationship with her birth parents was relatively non-existent. Therefore, she was surrendered into the custody of the state. The conveyor belt life of passing through the foster care system took a toll on the girl, with an absence of permanent parental love leaving holes in her heart. Her talkative nature and inhibitions to talk and hug strangers lead to her first visit to the therapist. She was a clear cut case for the child behavioural scientists: disinhibited social engagement disorder, an attachment disorder. Looking back, this was evident in all her future actions, particularly those with Katie.

The bell rang on the first day of their last year of high school. Sadie - dressed as per usual in fuchsia shorts and a striped crop top - eagerly skipped over to the locker of her best friend. As the locker door slammed and her friend came into view, the excited expression on Sadie's face dropped.

"K-Katie? What's this?" Sadie questioned, holding her sticker-covered folder flush against her chest.

Katie raised an eyebrow quizzically, straightening out her paper timetable to find her first classes location.

"What do you mean, Sadie?"

"I mean that!" the shorter girl exclaimed, gesturing at Katie's outfit. The taller girl had moved away from her typical Total Drama outfit, substituting it with a pair of denim jeans and a pastel pink cardigan.

"Oh, this? I just wanted to branch out a bit. I mean, matching outfits? What are we, twins?"

Katie giggled at her observation, with Sadie clearly missing the joke.

"Anyway, I have to get to English, but I'll see you around, yeah?" Katie chirped before walking off with two other girls.

Sadie stalked over to Katie's locker, using a spare hairpin to open it. Her heart broke upon looking at its contents. Gone were the photos of her and Sadie plastered onto her locker door. Cutouts from fashion magazines and runway shows lay in their wake and stuffed under a pile of books was the BFF necklace Sadie gifted her years prior.

Following their graduation, the pair had drifted apart. Katie received an offer to the most prestigious fashion school in Canada and left their small town for Toronto. Unbeknownst to her, Sadie followed suit and got a job at a sewing goods store. Sadie became Katie's shadow, desperately following her every move. Her morning routine was memorised, her coffee order became part of her mental wallpaper. Sadie's infatuation only grew, as in her mind, distance made the heart grow fonder. If only Katie knew that this distance was all of a few metres.

A harsh squeak dripped from the tired hinges of the ladder as Sadie climbed up the rungs, fastening something onto her wall. For her neighbours, the sound had become a part of their daily lives, as day after day, Sadie adhered more photos on the apartment wall. The collage of the lush green of leaves, the yellow of the bustling taxis and blue of the cloudless sky swirled around on the wall, catching a person's attention as they entered the room. A timber coffee table was neatly placed on the left, adorned with additional photo frames and miscellaneous decorations. The centrepiece to her display shimmered brightly when the morning sun shone through the gap in the curtains. Perched in a small, open velvet lines box was one half of a golden heart-shaped 'BFF' necklace.

Sadie took a step back and tilted her head, taking in the view from as many angles as she could. She had finally achieved the pinnacle of her undying love and infatuation for her former 'BFFL'. Neatly arranged across the length of the wall was a mural, dedicated to her muse, to the reason she woke up every morning. Candid photos of Katie walking down the street, exiting cars and meeting friends for coffee dates were carefully taken by the shadow she didn't know that she had.

A year and a half passed. There was a stark dichotomy between Katie and Sadie's lives. The final year of her fashion degree was approaching quickly, and Katie was not entering it alone. I don't know how many of us predicted it - probably Noah with his impeccable 'gaydar' - but Katie had fallen in love with an architecture student called Daisy. From what was depicted on their respective social media accounts, it was clear to us that they were enamoured with one another. The presence of another woman in Katie's life infuriated Sadie, as she believed that that position was reserved for her and her alone.

Then came the drop in the ocean that caused the whole tsunami. If it wasn't for Katie's selfless nature... well, I imagine things would've turned out a lot differently.

Katie sat cross-legged on the couch, a decorative throw rug draped across her lap. Their rescue cat, Archibald - a male calico - rested behind her head, purring with content as she opened her laptop. Her fingers barely touched the trackpad as she scrolled through her Facebook feed, bypassing ads for strange items and memes about the current political climate.

"Ekaterina," an auburn-haired girl walked through the doorway, a basket of washing in her hands. "I'm making something for lunch after I finish this washing. I'll probably use what's left in the fridge and make a frittata. D'you want some?"

"Ooh, yes please, Dais," Katie smiled at her partner, who poked her tongue out at the use of her nickname.

Katie clicked on her latest post to see who had reacted and liked. A smile crept across Katie's face as she clicked onto the picture: a photoshoot in a field on flowers where a bright ring sparkled on Katie's ring finger. She looked down at her left hand, still in a state of shock at Daisy's proposal. One name stuck out as Katie scrolled through the comments. She hadn't thought of them for years now and wondered what they were getting up to.

She clicked on their profile to compose a new message. Daisy walked up behind her and scratched Archibald's head before planting a kiss behind Katie's ear.

"Oooh, who are you talking to? Not your girlfriend, I hope," Daisy taunted, giggling breathlessly.

Katie threw her head back against the couch cushion and looked up at her fiancée.

"Yeah, I'm shopping elsewhere. I need someone who appreciates my nicknames!" Katie threw back, puffing her cheeks out comically. "No, you goose. It's this girl I used to go to school with. It's been forever and a day, and I thought I'd see how she's going."

"Sadie Calhoun... isn't she that one you went on that show with?"

"Yeah... I felt like such a poser back then. I don't think I've ever squealed since," Katie responded.

"Hey, people change. I had such a crush on you when I saw you on TV, and look now!" Daisy told her before walking away towards the kitchen. "I snagged the girl of my dreams!"

Katie laughed as she typed an introductory line, sending it through before closing her laptop.

*********

A sudden buzz from her phone against the wooden table shook Sadie out of her delirium. She had been sat before her photo wall, carefully cutting out photos of her face for what could have been hours. Paper scraps lined the wooden flooring like irregular speckles of snow as Sadie rose to her feet. Picking up her phone, her eyes shone brightly with its blue light as a squeal escaped from between her lips.

On her screen - behind the myriad of cracks and scratches - sat a notification that held Sadie's heart in a tight grip: Message request from Ekaterina Byers.

If this were a sitcom, I'm sure Sadie would've pinched herself at that moment to assure that she wasn't dreaming. But with one olive branch in the form of an instant message, Katie had signed her own death warrant.

Sadie opened the notification with bated breath, her cheeks aching from the smile that was cemented in place. Her heart fluttered with anxious butterflies as she read the message.

Ekaterina Byers:

"Hi, Sadie. I wonder if you remember me, probably not! High school seems like forever ago! Haha! 😝  I just thought I'd reach out and see if you wanted to get a coffee sometime and just catch up on life!"

The words swirled and danced before Sadie, who lovingly took in every single one with deep adoration and love. Everything she had wanted to tell her, the praise she had wanted to shower Katie in bounced around in her head. She placed her phone down, forcing herself to calm down before she wrote a response.

Sadie Calhoun:

"Oh, hi! OMG! Of course, I remember you! I'd love to catch up! You're the busy fashion designer, so you pick a time when you can squeeze an old friend in! 😎 💕" Watching the three dots in the bottom left corner caused Sadie's breath to hitch in her throat. She was typing... Katie was typing. They'd finally be reunited, not just from behind a camera lens. She felt as if she was in the painting 'The Creation of Adam', just a fingers touch away from her god, her whole world.

Ekaterina Byers:

"Haha, as if! I'm not there yet 😂  Would next Friday suit? Say about 9am at the Good Coffee Co. I need to hand in my portfolio at 8:30 so that'd work well."

Impulsively, acting out of desperation alone, Sadie immediately responded.

Sadie Calhoun:

"Yes! I'll be there! See you soon, Katie! 💕"

Sadie locked her phone before focusing her attention back to her craft. She picked up her scissors, skilfully manoeuvring around the edges of the photos. She stuck the product onto the wall and gazed upon it proudly. Hundreds of small cut out photos of her head were plastered on the wall, covering up any person Katie was with, replacing them with herself.

They did meet up, that much we do know. Testimonials from five different individuals confirmed that they saw the two girls at that café on Friday the 25th. What they talked about is up for speculation, because that stayed between the two of them. Why were testimonials needed if two young adults were just catching up over a cup of coffee? Because that was the last time Sadie Calhoun and Ekaterina 'Katie' Byers were seen alive.

Katie's eyelids drooped as she sat in the passenger seat of Sadie's car. Sadie - the 'good samaritan' that she was - had offered to drive Katie home after she suddenly felt light-headed following her coffee. Sadie parked in the driveway and opened Katie's door for her, helping her up as she tiredly hobbled towards the front door. Katie wearily collapsed onto the couch, her eyes barely registering the environment around her. She could hear faint crashing and shattering sounds as she struggled to keep her eyes open. She looked down upon the couch she was dozing on and sat up with a start.

"This isn't my house," she whispered to herself, scanning the room for any familiar objects. She froze in place when she spotted something utterly recognisable to her: her face. Hundreds of different angles of her face created a mosaic, a shrine to a friendship that was never meant to last.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Sadie smiled sweetly as she entered the room. "It couldn't be anything but. Not when the subject is as exquisite as you."

Confusion washed over Katie's face as Sadie approached her, a clothed parcel delicately held in her hands. Sadie reached up to caress her old friend's cheek; Katie snaked away from the touch, petrified of the girl in front of her.

"Hmm. That's the problem, isn't it?" Sadie soliloquised, her grey eyes meeting Katie's scared onyx eyes. "You stopped being Katie. You stopped being my best friend. I know Katie is living in those photos, not 'Ekaterina'. Katie wouldn't have left me. No, not at all. Forever isn't a term to just throw around."

Black tears dripped down Katie's face as she silently sobbed. "W-we were kids. What we were wa-wasn't healthy. We're two separate people, Sadie! I couldn't live being so connected to a shadow. I wanted t-to shine on my own."

"But I don't wanna be separate people! I want to be with you... to be you. To never be apart from you!" Sadie passionately yelled as Katie started to slump down in front of her. The world around her became dark as her lids closed tightly. As her consciousness drifted, a phrase echoed through her head.

"Don't worry now. We'll never be apart again."

*********

Excruciating pain emanating from her side woke her with a jolt. A dull haze covered her field of vision, but as she pulled her hand away from her waist, she could see it as clear as day. A warm layer of blood coated her hand like a glove. Her eyes slowly settled to the room she was in. Metres ahead of her was the collage of photos, but the furniture has been removed, leaving a wide-open space.

Her fingers felt around to find the source of the pain, coming across thick strands of string attached to her waist. A scream silently bubbled up inside her, threatening to explode.

Rough, uneven strands of double-wound fishing wire had been haphazardly sewn into both her and Sadie's sides, connecting them to each other.

A groggy smile spread across Sadie's plump cheeks as she revelled in her actions. "I told you we'll never be apart again."

An extreme shock was the only emotion Katie was able to come to terms with. Her body was statuesque; set in place by a fear-driven paralysis. A dryness inhabited her mouth, inhibiting her ability to swallow the truth in front of her. The room swayed and distorted around her - a prison cell painted with her face - as she forced her eyelids shut. This couldn't be reality. It was the sick dream of a girl trapped in the suffocating world of a teenage girl.

The pain Sadie felt in her abdomen only further fuelled her pleasure, letting every wave of pain wash over her in euphoric ecstasy. Her heart felt complete again as if she had regained a long-lost limb.

"I knew we'd become one again," Sadie hummed, intoxicated by being in Katie's presence. "Daisy was just a placeholder... keeping the bed warm for me. With every thread... every stitch... our closeness is now defined. We'll never be apart again. Best friends for life."

"...for...life," Katie mumbled, fresh blood weeping from her wounds.

Night and day passed slowly, the shadows cast from the pair forming contorted, misshapen dark splotches on the walls. A sickening warmth surrounded Katie, whose heartbeat pounded heavily in her ears. Her waist was bruising a deep purple, with the surrounding blood vessels snaking across her abdomen. Sadie was shaken awake by Katie's convulsions as her body became slick with a layer of sweat.

"Katie? I'm here, it's okay."

"I don't feel good... I want Daisy," Katie slurred, lazily searching the room for her partner.

The 'tethering' procedure was as wildly unsuccessful as one could imagine. Sadie's homemade suture kit - a sharpened metal knitting needle and fishing line - only managed to pierce through Katie's large intestine. Bile and stool seeped into her abdomen, eventually finding their way into her bloodstream. The coroner estimated she died two days later of septic shock.

A thin beam of light eclipsed the drawn curtains and rested on Sadie's face as dawn broke. Her hand moved softly to caress Katie's hand; a stiff claw lay in her wake. An overwhelming panic flooded Sadie's system as she attempted to wake the other girl from her 'deep' slumber. Half-lidded blood-red eyes stared back at Sadie, a trickle of dried blood pooled at her temple. Sadie's heart shattered like a golden locket as she cradled the limp body in her arms, pulling the skin taut around her suture wounds. The shadow had won. It had succeeded in snuffing out what was left of the light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What happened to Sadie in the end?" Axel asked, taking a minute amount of sadistic glee from the story.

Izzy turned to face the young man. A single tear crept down her cheek as she fiddled with her rings. "She refused to live without Katie. She starved to death, all the while she left Katie's decomposing corpse attached to her hip like a growth."

Izzy wiped the tear from her eye, suppressing sniffles as Axel glanced around the room.

"Hmm...Alright. Who's next then?"

[relationshipstats]

Covid! An end of good relationship

The word “Lock Down” enough is enough. Believe it or not but Covid 19 has changed us entirely. More than just spending time on the couch relaxing, this home arrest actually brought us all family members closer to one another.

Few things that we never could have recognized of a person we are living with came to light after spending almost two years together of Covid 19.

Few that believed spending time together makes a relation healthy, broke up the first this Covid? Being together for a few moments and 24*7 makes a difference.

This widely spread virus has brought major negative impacts, especially on the recently married younger couples. If you feel you are the one among many then keep reading you are just a few steps away from making your relationship strong bold and beautiful.

Mental stress What if you are under observation 24/7 in front of a surveillance camera? Just thinking of it is enough to piss off one mind.

Exact becomes the case when you are around the same person 24/7 for a longer duration. Especially, staying together in a closed environment makes it tougher.

Family is a strength but being surrounded all the time causes a bit of mental stress. While you’re with your family, you’ve few responsibilities and when you stay surrounded by family round the clock, you end up getting stressed.

For those who have a big family living together with a wide fake smile on their faces yet it is manageable you have lots of monkeys inside the house. But for all those only couples inside the house, No doubt your neighbors are the first who want you out of their living area.

So without spending any of your time here are few things that can relax your mental stress.

Do try to make room for yourself 24/7 together inside a room will obviously create world war 3. So make time for yourself. Do not keep on talking to one another as if you do not have a phone. But make sure it is not exceeding your limits of talking over a phone.

Now when you have so much time left sitting at home utilize that to fulfill your hobbies. This will make you feel happier and present.

Exercise and yoga are most important for all sitting at home. Do you know people are suffering more from heart problems than from Covid 19?

Exercise has a lot of advantages, Just Google, and your life will come to end reading only about the benefits out of exercise. Reduced stress, a calm and patient brain are what we need the most during the lockdown, and no other than yoga/exercise can provide you at this time.

No matter what, exercise and do yoga on regular basis. In my opinion, meditate daily will give you extra energy to stay cool and calm when your other half has decided to turn you into a green monster the great Hulk.

If not exercise, engage in playing mobile games of your choice. This will help pass time full of enjoyment. If you are good at shooting try your hands on games like PubG or Call of Duty.

Couple problems For all those dirty minds, say no to regular sex or there are chances you may develop a dislike for each other. Though you are a new couple try not to have sex on regular basis, especially during this lock down time. You may put your sexual life for a toss.

Minimize the sexual intimacy Being around each other doesn’t mean you end up sticking to each other on bed round the clock. So try to keep minimal sexual intimacy as this helps you to engage in good sessions whenever you engage.

Keeping minimal engagement will help you not feel like you are engaging forcefully. This will help you enjoy your sexual life better than anyone else. But at the same time make sure it is not too late, where the horse is been fed by some other field owner.

Don’t engage unless you feel so Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, Science says. So is the case with sexual life. It has no second thought that Having sexual intimacy makes your love life good and even communication becomes uninterrupted.

But this works well only when both parties are actively trying to get involved. Hence, do learn to engage only when both have the consent of each other. This assists the couples to mesmerize good moments.

Use contraceptives Better avoid giving good news to each other? Everything goes planned, but some uncertainties are likely to occur, unlike pregnancy. Already the pandemic causes a bit of burden on your pocket and pregnancy can cause much stretch.

Even if you are rich enough to feed the entire street, my suggestion would be to wait for things to settle down. Healthcare sectors are full of Covid Patients so why risk your, your wife, and your newborn baby's life.

Financial condition What is gone is gone. What is left spend wisely? The most common reason for relationship spoiler is financial problems and especially if you have lost your job during Covid 19 all the best.

Here are few tips on how to manage your spending when time is not in your favor.

Spend responsibly Spending is a necessity and is a responsibility. A lot of bigger companies have shut their business down. Things should not go in your direction but you never know the job you’ve today might not be there tomorrow. Hence, spend wisely and only on necessities. If your wife thinks the latest iPhone is a must for status make her understand eating a real apple is more important at least for now.

Add to emergency saving Add more amount to your emergency Quota then filling up your wardrobe. Anyways you are not allowed to move out of your home so why to waste money on outfits and looks. In fact, save money and be prepared for any bad situation that comes your way.

Budget makeover Don’t worry, you don’t need to decorate the paper on which you might jot down the points. Simply reconsider the expenses that you make. The situation is not normal and uncertainty is likely to continue.

Reconsidering the budget doesn’t mean you do cut down the necessity, do only cut down the options that really are an option. Well, financial instability does affect the relationship of the couple and at times you end up yelling at your partner.

I hope I am clear with what I wanted to express. If there is any problem in the relationship that is affecting do write in the comment section. Maybe I or someone reading can help you suggest some good advice and tips.

Stay Safe and Healthy.

[teddybeardoctorr]

Professional Environment

Characters: Dean Winchester x Reader, Castiel

Summary: You’ve had the hots for your boss, Dean Winchester, since day one. You always do your very best to please him in any way possible. What happens when one day, you don’t?

Words: 4,270k

Warnings: 18+, Angst, Dean being authoritative, spanking, smut, cunninglus, fingering, rough sex, p in v, some dirty talk/cursing (let me know if I’ve missed anything!)

A/N- A big fantasy of mine that I thought I’d write. Not my best written smut, but meh, this helped me release my sinful thoughts and this is all for fun anyway. I hope you enjoy!

“Y/N, can you make me copies of these?”

You looked at the papers Dean clenched in his hand, stretching them out to you. Looking between the papers and his eyes, you asked, “I don’t know, can I?”

"What are you now, a teacher?"

"Not a teacher, but I can make you a copy."

"You will make a copy because I told you to."

"We'll see if I'm capable."

He rolled his widened eyes, a smirk ghosting his lips. "You're gonna get it, sweetheart."

"Not if I get to HR first."

You took the papers from his hand, smiling while he said, "I am HR!"

Shaking your head, you couldn't help but giggle. The banter between you and your boss always made the day go by faster. 

But what made the day inch by slowly was the sinful thoughts you had of Dean Winchester, the personal/work injury lawyer you worked for.

A little over a year, you were hired into your office manager position. You were a little surprised to have landed the position, since you're younger than the typical leader. But he needed a person way more organized than he was. In the first fve minutes of your interview, he knew he would hire you for the job. As he put it, you had a vibrant energy to you that needed to be added to the office during all the chaos. 

At first, you weren't sure how you would meld in here. Dean was a very stern, to-the-point kind of man, but he also joked around every minute and made sure you had everything you needed. It's hard to come by bosses like him.

You'd be lying if you didn't admit that your flirting wasn't also a perk of the job. He also wasn't a terrible sight to look at from time to time. 

Especially when you saw him in his full suit, like today. The fabric hugging his arms so well.

Shaking your head at the thought and not wanting to get too lost in your daydream, you typed in the amount of copies you wanted to make before loading the papers in the tray.

"You know, it might actually help if you press the 'Start' button on the copier."

You turned your head to the right, snorting at Castiel's remark. "Funny."

"Any plans this weekend?" 

You shook your head. "Not yet. Think I might just stay in with Netflix and cleaning. You?"

Castiel shook his head. "Nothing. I was hoping you'd be able to help me with my garden."

"Your garden?"

"Yes. I can't seem to keep my tomatoes alive, and you're just so vibrant, I thought you could show me a few tips."

Elbowing his arm, you took your copies and watched him laugh. "Shut up, Cas. Not so loud.”

"Come on, Y/N. It's no secret. You can let it go."

"Not to you."

"Anyone with eyes can see it."

On your way to deliver Dean his copies, you said quietly, "I think you really just want an office scandal to liven up the place."

"I can't be the only one giving this office life, even if I am an angel."

"An angel of the devil, sure."

"The devil was an angel."

Reaching Dean's office, he continued typing with one hand and reached his other one out to you for his copies. "Do I need to put you two on a leash?"

Castiel replied, "No, sir. But I will take a Starbucks puppyccino."

Dean rolled his eyes, but ended up smirking. "Funny, Cas. I need you to meet with Mr. Singer today and call some of these insurance companies. We need to get these settlements out of the way.”

He nodded with a "Yes, sir," and headed off. As you were about to turn on his heel, Dean gestured with a flick of his hand. "Close the door and sit."

A little surprised by his change of tone, you closed the door with a quiet thud and sat in the chair in front of his desk. While Dean finished typing before pushing his keyboard away, taking off his suit jacket, and fully facing you, you couldn't help but notice how clean his desk was. He was a bit of a neat freak, wanting everything in an exact place. His hands were gathered on top of it, and just by his sharp posture, you knew you couldn't have been in here for anything good. 

"What's wrong?" You immediately asked.

Dean shook his head, seeming unbothered. "Nothing. I just wanted to ask you about yesterday."

"What about yesterday?" 

"Were you busy throughout the day?"

Not sure where he was getting at, you decided to throw a bone and think about it. You talked with some clients that needed administrative assistance, held two office meetings, and organized case files in the storage room. The usual, along with some other busy tasks throughout the day.

Finally, you answered, "I suppose, but we're always busy."

He thought about it for a few seconds, his tongue poking out as he nodded. "Okay, I thought I'd ask, because I noticed our supply order was not sent, and the trash was not taken out.”

As soon as he said it, your cheeks burst with embarrassment. You knew walking out of the office yesterday that you felt as if you were forgetting something. But you couldn't pinpoint what it was, because once you left for the day, so did your work-brain. 

"Additionally," he added, "I couldn't help but notice when I took a look at yesterday's cameras, that wherever you were at, Castiel followed. And you both didn't move away from each other."

He sat silent and let it hang, thick in the air. You took it as a sign to speak next, maybe offer an explanation, but you had no idea what to say. In fact, you were shocked that this was being brought up at all. 

"Uhh," you started, swallowing thickly, "you looked at the cameras?"

"I did. Care to explain?”

There was that expectant look on Dean's face, annoyed and ready for you to leave his office with a conversation that pleased him. It annoyed you and a blush crawled under your skin, threatening to flood your throat with nerves. What were you supposed to say? 

"I'm sorry for forgetting the trash and the supply order. I can get the order done now-"

"But this still doesn't explain why Cas was attached to your hip.”

"We were getting work done.”

"Want to look at the cameras?"

You tried keeping your face neutral, feeling the frustration rise behind your eyes. Tears threatened to prick the back of them, so you carefully shook your head, daring to keep eye contact with him. All you did every day you were at the office was trying to perform every task of your job correctly and accurately. Why was there suddenly an issue now?

You did everything you could to please and impress Dean, so hearing that you did the opposite made your heart sink. 

"All I'm saying is that I think your time wasn't managed wisely," he continued, sighing while pinching the bridge of his nose. "I came in to find these things not done, and then when I looked at the footage, I was really disappointed. You're a leader here, and I trust you with everything I have at work, which is why I felt it would be wrong if I didn't address this."

Angrily, you nodded once, hoping your face looked as neutral as possible, since you felt anything but.

But this still didn't seem to satisfy him, as he commanded, "Tell me what's on your mind."

You shrugged. "Well, I'm sorry that this discussion had to be had, but I'm not going to make excuses for myself."

His eyebrows pinched together as his eyes narrowed. You couldn't tell if he was annoyed or curious. And honestly, you didn't care either way. You were just annoyed that he looked so fucking sexy when he was pursing his lips together. Especially when he runs a hand through his hair like that, a tiny bit frustrated and looking for something to do while he thought a bit.

Why did you have to have such a hot boss?

"Why do you say that?" He asked, prompting you out of your thoughts.

You sighed, biting your lips and explaining, "Well, if I say why I wasn't able to get these things done, then I am just making up excuses. So instead, I will correct my behavior and make sure it doesn't happen again."

For what seemed like a few long, awkward minutes, but was probably only six seconds, Dean stared at you pointedly. Disappointment, anger, and confusion all blended in, trying to figure out how to resolve this conflict. Truthfully, his gaze made you uncomfortable, but what else could you do or say to make any of this better?

The fact that this conversation of time management was had at all with you, an office manager, made you embarrassed in a million different ways alone.

And after all of his pondering, all he could seem to say was, "Okay."

Waiting for him to say more, you asked, "Okay?"

He nodded once and dropped your gaze, letting you know this conversation was over.

Usually when this happened, Dean had a lot to think about. Whether it was about dropping a business partner or battling an insurance company about paying for a claim, that look was reserved for deep contemplation.

Maybe for the rest of the day, he was going to think about what he was going to do with you. 

The thought alone scared the hell out of you. You didn't want to lose this job. You honestly enjoyed all of the people you worked with and the work you dedicated your time to doing here. Imagining yourself anywhere else was a bit strange. 

Losing your job over something like this would crush you. 

Yeah, you were definitely overthinking this, but what else were you supposed to think about during after that conversation? 

The end of the workday rolled around, and everyone started their departure. You hadn't received the chance to talk to Cas about what happened in Dean's office, but you knew you would text him after your commute home. You had to know; did Dean have this same discussion with Cas? Why was he so nice to the both of you before he pulled you in for a one on one? 

Stuffing your phone in your dress pants pocket, you stood up from your desk and slung your purse over your shoulder. Frustrated with how today went, you knew a good few glasses of wine and pasta were in need tonight. 

"Y/N, before you leave, come see me."

But of course, what you really needed was going to be delayed. 

Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you turned around and made your way to Dean's office. What else did he possibly need to talk about after making you feel like absolute shit earlier? Dean sat down on top of his desk, flattening his tie against his chest as he watched you sit in a chair in front of him. You tried analyzing his expression, wondering what this was going to be about.

But beyond those green eyes, the ones that made you want to swim and drown all at once, held something you couldn't place. 

Clearing his throat, he asked, "What should I do with you?"

Knitting your eyebrows together, you tilted your head. "Excuse me?"

"When we spoke earlier, you seemed very ...whatever about the situation. As if you couldn't accept what you did," he explained, his hands gathered in his lap. "If talking doesn't get through to you, what will?"

Now, you were completely lost. "I…...uh-"

"Do I need to discipline you?"

Thinking at a moment like this was beyond you. Not only did you have no idea what to say, as the day taking a turn like this was unexpected. But also, those eyes turning a dark shade of green, dancing with ideas behind them, made it incredibly difficult to focus on talking, breathing, or even looking at what was right in front of you.

Where was he going with this?

"Do you…" you began, swallowing thickly. Suddenly, you needed five glasses of water. "Do you want to...suspend me?"

"Suspend?" He scoffed. "What use are you to me absent? No. I need to know what to do with you."

Making your back straight, he stood up from his seat. As he slowly walked towards you, the slightest hint of a smirk could be detected at the corner of his lips. Not quite there, but almost. He was holding it back, as if he wanted to keep his composure.

Then, he stopped on your right side. Looking down at you, lifting your chin with his index finger so you could meet his eyes. You practically shivered at his touch. 

And that's when his smirk couldn't contain itself. 

Voice steady, yet stern, he stated, "I think you need to be punished and shown who's boss."

You found his hand traveling down your shoulder, bringing your purse down and flopping on the floor. For just a second, it felt as if you were leaning into his touch. The goosebumps rising on your skin in the wake of his finger set you ablaze. And just when you thought you caught a break, his hand returned to the bottom of your chin, making you stare him in the eyes as he was level with your vision. 

"Is that what you want?"

Just above a whisper and all too quick, you breathed, "Yes, sir."

He looked at your lips before diving in, pressing his against yours and drawing a gasp along with it.

Who could believe this was actually happening?

Right now, your boss was poking his tongue gently against your lips, demanding entrance. You granted it, letting his slide across yours as you tasted him. Just like you thought he would taste. Just how warm and inviting and sexy you thought it would feel.

When he smiled against your lips, that's when you registered the whimpering coming from your throat. Crimson warmed your cheeks, but he shook his head, rubbing his hands up and down your arms soothingly. "No need to be embarrassed, sweetheart. I love hearing what I do to you."

Your brain had a way of turning on autopilot. If you thought about what you and Dean, your boss, were doing, you would find any way to stop this interaction and run away from the office. But his fingertips were electrifying. And you couldn't stop, because that would mean not being able to run your hands over his chiseled chest. That would mean not being able to meld his mouth with yours, feeling him sigh into yours. 

You pulled on his tie to deepen the kiss, chest pressing against yours. His hands traveled from gripping your arms, your hips, and your ass, squeezing the flesh in his hands as he groaned.

Muttering against your lips, Dean said breathily, "I can't wait to fuck you on this desk."

You smiled, clenching your thighs together. You could've swore you felt a drip of arousal down your thigh at his words.

Unbuttoning his dress shirt, he broke the kiss to look at you darkly. Those eyes roamed up and down, surely thinking of all the sinful things he was about to do to you.

"Bend over the desk," he commanded, loosening his tie.

You nodded once, but before you obeyed, you pulled your blouse over your head. The air conditioned space hit your nipples and caused a slight shudder up your spine. Then, you slowly stalked to the desk, drinking him in before you bent over, the smooth dark wood sticking against your skin.

Hearing shuffling from behind you, you smirked, giddy at what was to happen next.

Maybe he'd wrap that tie around your wrists and do whatever the hell he wanted with you.

You definitely wouldn't mind being slapped around by your lawyer. What a fantasy this had been for you; replaying in your mind ever since you interviewed here.

But the expression was quickly wiped off your face when you felt a hand spank your ass.

After shrieking, you started, "Dean-"

"I told you to bend over, not strip," he replied gruffly, massaging the spot he assaulted with his palm. Swiftly, he pulled your pants down your legs, pooling at your ankles so you could kick them off. The urge to wiggle your ass was resisted as his hand came down hard on your other cheek, stinging more than last time. "And you're not wearing a bra to work. Are you trying to kill me?"

Massaging your cheek before coming down on it again, softer this time, you whimpered, "No, sir."

He tsked, and you could just see the corner of his lip curled upward in a mischievous smirk. He was probably eating up this display of you spread out, legs apart, completely bare for him. And you enjoyed it just as much, bent over, at his mercy, enjoying the treatment he was enacting on you. 

"And you're so fucking wet for me," he growled, grinding his hips against your rear. You were sure your hips would probably be wounded with his fingers digging into the flesh. "Are you always this ready for me?" 

"I'm always wet thinking about you," you rasped before you could stop yourself.

That earned you another smack to your ass. A moan erupted from your throat, and your back straightened even more so. 

"Dirty girl, you are," he drawled, massaging your assaulted skin. "That earns you a treat."

In seconds, you heard him kneel on the floor. His hands gripped onto the front of your thighs to bring you out further. Instantly, he dragged his tongue from your clit to dip inside of you. 

"Oh fuck, Dean!" You gasped, letting your head curl up in pleasure.

His hands and tongue showed no mercy to your body. Bruises were sure to form from his hands. He kept gripping and bringing you closer to his face to the point that you felt like you were drowning him.

But hungrily, his mouth showed your clit extra attention. They made sure to suck on it long and hard while his tongue flicked against it back and forth, while his nose dove up and down your slick. All of the sensations encouraged the endless sounds falling from your lips. The tension in your stomach grew tighter and tighter as the coil kept unwinding. The way his mouth made you feel was indescribable. You couldn't even think with the way his tongue fucked your pussy and swirled down to your bundle of nerves, making sure to taste every bit of your arousal that he could.

The vibrations against your sex shot through your entire body. Dean couldn't contain his own sounds of pleasure. It made you feel even better, the way you could make him starved and show your dripping folds attention in a way no one else had.

When not one, but two fingers pushed inside of you, you struggled to keep your legs grounded. 

"Oh my god," you whined, wiggling your ass out a little further into his face. 

He chuckled, adding a third finger into your pulsing sex. "I can't wait to have this pussy around my cock, sweetheart. You feel so fucking good."

The way the pads of his fingers rubbed against your softest wall with fast precision made your eyes shut tight. His fingers curled into you and made you clench around him. He fucked them into you so fast you heard your arousal echo in his office, which only made him grunt with his own satisfaction. 

You could only imagine how amazing his face looked, focused on making you feel so good and ready to take him inside of you.

At just that thought alone, you lost every sense as all you felt was your orgasm wash over you entirely. Luckily, Dean was there to hold you close, still fucking you with his fingers as he lowered his head to suck on your clit. Even when you felt oversensitive, you still shuddered and screamed his name and rode out each wave of bliss that you could.

The right side of your cheek pressed against the desk as you huffed. Your arms folded in front of you to still keep you bent over. It was the only support your body provided while it recovered. That one orgasmed alone ripped through you unlike one you had in awhile. But you already felt the building sensation in your stomach as Dean slammed his cock into you without warning. 

Moaning in unison, he gripped one hip and massaged your ass cheek with the other hand. "That's it, Y/N. Take my cock."

With your back to him, you couldn't see, but you knew from the feeling that his cock was long and thick. It had to be, with how he instantly filled and stretched you. It was so deep, it rubbed against the most sensitive part inside of you. But you relished in it and just wanted him to fuck you into this damn desk until you couldn't walk anymore.

He thrust out until just the tip was inside, and slammed into you again. You clenched around him each time he thrust slow but hard. His skin slapped against yours, slow but measured. You relished in hearing the sound. It was like ecstasy to your ears. So beautiful that you pushed back to meet him halfway, feeling his thick cock stretch you.

Taking the hint, he grabbed your hips forward. He started slamming into you at a fast, unsteady pace. Over and over, his cock rubbed against your walls and filled you entirely. Your hands desperately clung to the desk. They needed to grab something, anything, in order to hold you in place instead of surging ahead with the desk each time he fucked into you. At this rate, you would fall down into bliss all too quickly. Not that he didn't make that too easy.

Involuntarily, you started chanting, "oh fuck," until it became a mantra that easily fell from your mouth. It was like a song, each sound becoming the melody. Even if your throat was growing dry, you didn't care one damn bit. No thought could even form with his thick, swollen cock filling you to the brim. It hit a part of you that you didn't know could feel such pleasure, with just a slight sting after. 

"You like your boss fucking you like this?" He grunted, his fast pace unwavering. "You like being fucked like a dirty girl?"

"Mhmm fuck, yes!" You screamed, arching your back.

After your last word, Dean effortlessly hooked his hand into the inside of your right knee, bringing your leg up until it was supported by the desk. At the new angle, you cried out, feeling your upper half unstick from the desk so you could push back against him easier. At this angle, you could feel his cock slam into you and rub against every part inside. You didn't know if it was possible to be any wetter, to feel any better than you did right now. 

One of his hands traveled up your back and laid down flat while the other still dug into your hip. Breathily, he let out, "Fuck, Y/N, you feel amazing."

You whimpered in response, feeling the coil about to break loose. Just when you thought the impending orgasm would draw out with his erratic thrusts, he grabbed a fistful of hair and brought your head back with it. This allowed your swollen, throbbing clit to rub against the desk. Just the friction and roughness you needed to come undone.

"Oh my god, Dean," you moaned, feeling your cum drip onto him as your pussy clenched over and over around him. 

"God damn, I'm gonna-" he muttered right before you felt him spill into you, hot strip after hot strip filling you so deeply. 

He wouldn't still and instead kept thrusting inside of you, hard and fast and unrelenting. It was only when he started to slow down and enjoy his high crashing down that you felt the pit of your stomach spark with a newfound tension. Before you knew it, your orgasm came crashing down again, causing you to yell explicits even louder than before. 

By his uncontrollable grunts, he didn't seem to mind.

After slowly rocking into you, letting you squeeze every last drop from him, he pulled out and rested his softening cock against the crevice of your cheeks. You leaned forward, spent and trying to catch your breath. Feeling a bead of sweat race down your temple. 

Did that really just happen?

A soft hand rubbing small circles into your lower back brought you back to attention. "You liked that?"

You scoffed, rolling your eyes. "I fucking loved it. But I didn't get to taste you."

Practically yelping from the sudden sensation of two fingers poking at your entrance, you relaxed once you saw two fingers in front of your mouth. Instantly, your lips captured them. You ran your tongue along the bottom and hummed around his skin, hollowing your cheeks. There was a slight tinge of you around him, but you mostly tasted the saltiness and distinct flavor of Dean. It made your taste buds so satisfied that you knew you would have to enjoy the full thing next time.

"God," he groaned, laughing. "You dirty girl. Whoever knew you were so hot for your boss?"

SPN taglist <3: @donnaintx, @lauravic

[judgmentofcorruption]

Episode 4–Farewell My Friend; Scene 3

Judgment of Corruption, pages 115-124

Gallerian’s injuries hadn’t completely healed up.

Rather than the wound from the bullet Shiro had fired at him, the frostbite had been more severe. It seemed he still couldn’t really move the pinky on his right hand.    

Gallerian was resting in ‘Lunaca Labora’ again today for the purpose of recovery.

Though, he wasn’t doing anything special in particular. He had just swallowed a medicine capsule that Ma had prepared for him and rubbed some clear gel on his finger. But according to Ma, these medicines were of a sort that couldn’t be refined at this facility. And Ma was the only one who could make them.

“I’m not a doctor, so I don’t understand all of it. –However, you’ll probably never be able to use that finger again,” Ma had told him, yet even so she continued to apply the medicine to give Gallerian at least a sliver of hope.

Though he couldn’t move his pinkie, he could at least hold a pen.

That night, he was reading over something on a sheet of paper at the desk that had been set aside for him.

“—Don’t work too hard.”

Before he knew it, another man was in the room.

“Bruno. You came.”

“Yeah. I wanted to see how you were doing. How has it been living here?”

“Outside of it being inconvenient to head to other towns, it’s been alright.”

“You’re not in any position to be going outside much anyway. You need to be patient a little while longer—How are you for food? Have you been eating well?” Bruno said, bringing out a largish package. “I might not look it, but I’m quite skilled at cooking. I don’t know if it’ll suit your tastes, but I’ll make something for you now.”

“Ah…That’s very kind of you. But—"

Before Gallerian could finish speaking, a girl appeared from the opening in the space carrying a tray lined with food.

“Sorry to keep you waiting~ I’ve finished your supper.”

Bruno looked surprised at seeing her face. “Lady…Mira! What are you doing here—”

“Oh, Bruno. So you’re here. Good evening!”

“…You as well. –Hey, Gallerian.” Bruno walked up to Gallerian and whispered in his ear, “Why is she here in Lunaca Labora? Isn’t she Loki’s girlfriend!?”

“Yeah…She insisted on taking care of me. I figured I might as well let her.”

“Are you a fool?! If Loki gets wind of this, the plan will be ruined!”

“Mira won’t betray me. And her brother has promised to help us. –Mira’s already our ally.”

“…It’s not wise to be so trusting. Have you forgotten so soon that you were betrayed by your best friend?”

Dumbfounded, Bruno tossed the package he’d been carrying aside and sat down in a nearby chair.

Mira casually set some food down on the desk and turned to Bruno. “I made quite a bit—will you be having some, Bruno?”

“No, I—”

“You’re already here, join in. The herring quiche she makes is delicious.”

Thus urged by Gallerian, Bruno reluctantly nodded.

“Wait right there. I’ll go get some now.”

Mira happily passed through the opening and out the room.

“—How often does she come here?”

At Bruno’s question Gallerian replied, while continuing to write, “On days when she doesn’t meet Loki after work. Probably about two or three times a week.”

“Does she stay here?”

“Mira drives here by automobile, but even so it’s dangerous for a woman to be on the road at night alone.”

“A woman driving a car. I’m surprised.”

“You didn’t know?”

“She’s Loki’s girlfriend. Naturally I’ve seen her many times before, but I’ve never had an actual conversation with her.”

“Well, Mira is a daughter of the Yarera Zusco Conglomerate. She should at least be able to rate driving as one of her accomplishments, wouldn’t you think?”

“—You’ve been writing something for some time now…”

When Bruno asked his question, Gallerian stopped writing and turned to him.

“I’m preparing my bill of indictment. I have most of the information assembled here so I’m putting it all together. –I’ve also properly put in the details you wanted me to add, so relax.”

“Thank you. If you hadn’t I don’t think there would have been much point in having you work with us.”

“—I think now that I’ve heard all that, I have the gist of why you bear a grudge against the Freezises, Bruno.”

“…I don’t bear a grudge against them. I just want to stop their evil deeds.”

“To keep there from being any more victims like you, you mean?”

Bruno’s expression grew more severe. “…Who did you hear this from? Ma?”

“I didn’t hear anything from anyone. I was just able to put together a guess based on the contents of your complaint and your current circumstances.”

“You shouldn’t be drawing conclusions on someone like me based solely on a guess.”

“Then tell me the true version yourself.”

On seeing Gallerian’s gravely serious gaze as he pushed, Bruno made a resigned sigh.

“—I was born a slave. From a young age I worked for my master, a farmer, in the United States of Maistia alongside my parents, my older brothers, and my little sister. I can’t say we were happy, but we weren’t necessarily unhappy either. The work was hard, but at least our family was together, and we never had to worry about our next meal. But when I was twelve years old, our master fell on hard times and sold my family to the Freezis Conglomerate. …Our hell began from that point on.”

There was bitterness in Bruno’s eyes as he spoke.

“The Freezises are the largest trade organization in the United States of Maistia. So naturally my parents and siblings had hoped for better treatment. But the reality was the exact opposite. They thought of the Black Valkyrians who are native to Maista as little more than chattel. They furnished us with filthy shacks as small as animal pens, and worked us twenty-four hours a day—The fact of the matter is that the Freezises’ lofty achievements are comprised of the sacrifices of us Black Valkyrians. …And then, one day, I and my entire family were made to play in a ‘game’ with one of the Freezis Family’s sons.”

“…Loki?”

“That’s right. At the time he was a very young brat. About the same age as my sister, but he wore much nicer clothes and had a healthier complexion, probably because he was always eating good food. –We were set loose to run in a forest, and then made into prey for Loki’s ‘human hunt’. My little sister was the first one he shot. She was his first kill in his life. So, ghastly enough, my sister’s body was stuffed and put up in Loki’s room, where it remains to this day.”

“—This story makes me ill.”

“My parents and my older brothers were all killed as well. A child though he might have been, unarmed we had no hope of fighting back against someone with a gun. …I survived to the end, and as a “reward” I was elevated in status to being a butler of the Freezis Family. Despite that though, nothing really changed in how I was treated. On the contrary, you could say it got worse. There were several other Black Valkyria stewards like myself. But all of them had died off by the time I became an adult. Sometimes they would break down and die from overwork, and sometimes they would despair of their circumstances and kill themselves.”

“But…you managed to survive.”

“I just couldn’t let myself die. I knew that I had to find some way to live until the day when I could settle the score for my friends and family. During that time, little by little I made my preparations, and gained new friends. …The first one I met was Shiro Netsuma.”

“The woman who shot me.”

“Would you just forget that already? Ordinarily she’s a very kind girl. Even her shooting you was solely to save your life. –Shiro is a Netsuma. And you may know this already, but Netsuma are a race that’s always been discriminated against here in the Evillious region. Just as the Black Valkyrians are in Maistia.”

“So you two were able to sympathize with each other over your similar circumstances.”

Bruno faintly smiled at Gallerian’s words.

“Though, the way she was treated by the Freezis Conglomerate is far superior to how I’m treated. Surprisingly enough they’re quite hospitable to the Netsuma clan.”

“That’s because the Freezis Conglomerate has deep ties to the Sisters of Clarith. The founder of that organization was also a Netsuma, if memory serves.”

“Shiro was hired on as the bodyguard for Commander Freezis. Banking on her skill with a gun, you see. That she would promise to aid me despite being in such a position—they truly offended her sense of justice. After that, I quietly added Hel Jaakko and Feng Li to my group of allies.”

“Hel is a clerk for the conglomerate, and Feng is…a pet, wasn’t he?”

“Feng’s origins are fairly interesting. He was born in ‘Mukoku’ to the east.”

“’Mukoku’…Is that that legendary ‘nothing country’?”

“I think if you have a spare moment you should ask him about it next time you see him.”

“—There is one other, that fellow called Postman. The delivery person who doesn’t speak.”

“Ma brought them along. As for what kind of person Postman is…Frankly, I don’t know myself. They never say anything, so we can’t exactly talk about it. Well—I’m certain of their job at least.”

“How did you and Ma meet? I wouldn’t think there’s much that the Freezises’ butler and a screenwriter would have in common.”

Bruno had been quite loquacious up to this point, but when Gallerian said that his expression immediately grew conflicted.

“Well…That’s not really worth going over.”

“Whether you or Ma, you both clam up on the issue of your relationship. –You two wouldn’t happen to be dating, would you?”

“Absolutely not,” Bruno firmly denied.

“…Ah, whatever. Doesn’t look like I’ll get an answer out of you no matter how much questioning I do. Let’s change the subject. About this indictment here—” Gallerian showed the paper he was writing to Bruno. “Even if, for the sake of argument, I send this to the World Police, I don’t know if they’ll do anything. There is a very strong connection between the World Police and the Freezises. In the worst case scenario they may just crumple it up.”

“I know. That’s why—we’ll use the media. When you hand in your bill of indictment to the World Police, at the same time we’ll send a letter with the same contents to the newspapers and radio stations. The media may not lend an ear to a mere Maistians’ grievances, albeit… But the indictments of a man who’s an elite as a judge of the Dark Star Bureau, and was publicly thought dead to boot—the response would be different.”

“So if it’s reported on a broad scale, you’re saying that the World Police will have no choice but to take action.”

“Our biggest concern is whether or not Hanma Baldured will act according to our expectations. Hel has met with him several times already, but apparently he’s a hard man to read. Honestly the fastest method would be to have you act as the head judge, but—”

“The one making the lawsuit can’t work as the head judge for the trial.”

“That’s true. So ultimately the deciding factor is going to be how much money the Yarera Zusco Conglomerate is able to set forward. And how Hanma will act in response to it…”

“’Money is the best lawyer in hell’…so it goes.”

Mira returned with the food in her hand.

“Sorry for the wait! It took a little time to heat it back up. I don’t really know how to use the kitchen here…Alright, help yourself.”

“…Thank you very much.” After being handed the herring quiche, Bruno gave his thanks and then brought it to his mouth. “—It’s tasty.”

“Right?” Gallerian then butted in, grinning, “—Five days from now I’ll finish this indictment and head to the World Police. Is that alright?”

“Yes. We’ll have our preparations set in order by then.”

“Are you going to stay here today?”

“No, it wouldn’t be good for Loki to take issue with me for being absent. And—I feel I’d get in the way.” Bruno looked at both Gallerian and Mira’s faces and then got up from his seat. “I shall have the leftovers of my quiche on the way home. Well then—”

He scooped up the bundle that he’d carried in, put the quiche inside, and left.

Five days later, Gallerian sent the bill of indictment to the World Police as planned.

At the same time, his survival and the contents of his indictment were sent en masse to every media company.

Another day after that. Second Level Judicial Aide of the Dark Star Courthouse Loki Freezis was captured and arrested by the World Police.

The primary charges were “Attempted murder” of Gallerian at first, but later it was changed to “murder” in accordance with the contents of the indictment.

.

One month after that Loki was prosecuted, and made to receive trial at the Dark Star Courthouse.

The one acting as head judge was Hanma Baldured.

--About a whole year had passed since Gallerian was almost killed by Loki in the snow field.

<<prev------directory------next>>

[gofordrakgo]

Dwelling Chapter Thirteen

“He didn’t notice the note she slid across the desk at him until she smacked his shoulder. It took him a moment longer than it should have to make out “What are you doing?” scrawled across a loose sheet of paper in perfect handwriting. He began grumbling out an answer, before stopping halfway through.”

Dwelling Summary

Dwelling Chapter One

Dwelling Chapter Twelve

Dwelling Chapter Fourteen

He had just been in the middle of saying she could shoot the cannon again before bed, just not at him, when her face went slack, almost scared, in a way he hadn’t seen from her in the few days they’d known each other. He reached out to her, worried he’d said something horribly wrong. Maybe enough for her to actually follow through on her threats to blast him - which she hadn’t done so far, but it scared him anyways. Or, as she’d persistently - insistently? - corrected him that morning, anyway. 

She knocked his hand away from her arm, and maybe it was his fault for touching her like that in the first place. He wasn’t sure how he’d let himself be goaded into drinking far more than planned but he was sure that he didn’t love the way the room flipped upside down as he watched her run off. Her bedroom door - since when did he declare it hers? - slammed shut, slamming him out of his stupor. 

He stumbled and staggered - shit he had class in the morning! What was he thinking? - to her door, and knocked loud enough to make himself flinch. Not loud enough, apparently, to make his runaway roommate open her door. 

“You could at least tell me what’s wrong,” he grumbled, leaning against the wall. His eye caught on the smattering of grape bits that still lined the door frame from when he’d accidentally shot at her. He supposed now that he no longer lived alone he was going to have to get used to the fact that someone else could very easily walk out of their room while he was working. He’d have to stop being so easily startled. Even if it was four in the morning - at least he thinks it was - when she joined him. Was she really mad at him for that? 

“Shea?” Drew called, growing a little worried by her lack of response. She clearly didn’t like being cared for or worried about but he couldn’t help it. She was just so… so small. And everything she said about her parents made him feel all weird and wobbly inside like he needed to make up for it somehow. He wasn’t even sure if he actually— Oh, screw it. It wasn’t worth the effort to try and say he didn’t like her. He did. He was sure he did. What he didn’t like was just how… good it felt to know she liked him too. 

He knocked a third time, shaking his head and reminding himself that she was only sixteen. A child, no matter how often (or loudly) she said otherwise. 

When his offer of, “I’ll let you shoot me if you just tell me what’s wrong,” failed, he found himself doing the one thing he’d mentally sworn not to do from the moment he asked her to stay - he opened her door without permission. 

A fluttery sense of relief coiled in his chest as he blinked hazily into her room, and spotted her pacing, thankfully still fully clothed, along the side of her room with her back turned to him. He took a cautious step into the room, her name slurring off his tongue yet again. Something in her body language made him want to reach out and hug her, and also turn and run the other direction and just leave her be. He reached a hand out to her instead as he stepped closer, but dropped it, his fingers curling around air before he could touch her.

“Did I do something?” he asked softly and was immediately grateful that the alcohol flowing through him had made his speech so slurred - he’d come to understand rather quickly (easy to do when she frightened and intrigued him the way she did) that being spoken to in any gentle way made her feel like she was being treated like a child. Which she didn’t like. At all. Even less than she liked cantaloupes, however that stupid word was spelled. 

His emotions played tug-o-war inside him, between concern and annoyance as she simply continued to pace, not bothering to turn a few inches and acknowledge him. 

“Shea,” he whined - he didn’t mean to whine, damn it - inching further into the small bedroom. “Come on, you can even shoot me twice if you’re so upset if you just tell me what’s wrong!” 

Not even a twitch. 

What was wrong with her?

What was wrong with him? 

“We can borrow another horror movie if you want,” he offered, pleading more than anything. He found himself crawling up to kneel on the edge of her bed, inches away from where her pacing had come to a pause, staring outside the window at an odd angle, like she was looking for something. Or, more likely he assumed, deliberately not looking at him. “Shea, come on, I know you can hear me. This is getting childish.” Even his goading wasn’t getting her attention.

He watched the back of her head as she dragged her hands over her face. Maybe like she was wiping away tears? Or maybe rubbing at her eyes in annoyance? He wasn’t great at other people’s emotions as it was… being drunk didn’t help. She didn’t seem like the type to cry, but maybe that was just because he cried too much and her personality was a far cry (ha!) from his - or at least she tried to make it seem that way. She did kind of confess to having liked Elements of Robotics which had to be the geekiest show (science-wise) he had ever watched. And she even outright stated that she enjoyed Fancy-Free so maybe she wasn’t as much… not a dork as she wanted to seem. 

“What do I have to say to make you knock this off?” he snapped, annoyance only very-much momentarily breaking out from behind his concern.

He sighed every last breath of air out of his lungs - How many molecules of carbon dioxide left a persons’ body every time they breathed out? Did it depend on how slowly they breathed or their lung capacity? What about breathing out through their mouth or their nose, did that change it?- and let himself slump down. He was pouting and he knew it, and he knew he should care because he was twenty-one years old and just a few years from being a doctor and doctors shouldn’t pout, but he didn’t care even a little bit. 

“Is this… Is this because of the whole kidnapping thing?” Nothing. “Are you that worried about having to go home?” He sighed again, his fingers twitching. He wanted to reach out to her, to comfort her the way he’d always preferred to be comforted, with hugs and cocoa moo and… “Do you want hot cocoa m– um… Hot cocoa? I won’t make you talk if you don’t want to, you know.”

Shea’s own shoulders slumped and she slowly turned toward him, the heels of her hands (what a weird term… he didn’t want hands to have heels) pressing into her eyes. He sat up a little straighter, a bit more proud of finally getting her attention that he maybe should have been.

She dropped her hands, opening her eyes. And then she took in a sharp breath of air through her nose - how much oxygen did she just breathe in? - her eyes going wide, as if she were somehow surprised to see him. In the exact same instant, her hands shot out, smacking into his shoulders and sending him sprawling off the opposite side of the bed. 

He yelped as he fell, which certainly wasn’t as masculine a sound as he would have preferred to make. He scrambled to his feet and fixed his glasses, glaring her way, despite being very glad she was at least acknowledging him again. 

“What was that for?” he demanded. Not that she seemed to take any of his demands seriously. And not that he wanted to be super demanding. 

A different sort of concern, the kind that made his stomach get all flippy and made his fingers twitch, replaced the confused concern that had had full control over him the moment before. She bit her lip, staring at his with her eyes still wide in a way he supposed would be funny if it didn’t make him so nervous. His eyes flicked across her - not in a creepy way! - as she stood frozen before him, her mouth working a bit like she wanted to say something and couldn’t. She looked alright, the only thing worthy of note was her hand dangling at her side, clutching something little in a closed up fist, hiding whatever it was from him. 

“What is that?” he asked, immediately distracted. Her eyebrows only furrowed together. She looked cute when she– sixteen! She’s sixteen! He pointed at her fist and she glanced down, before taking a hurried step away leaving her with her back pressed up against the wall. 

She looked… scared. What had he done to scare her? Had he said something he shouldn’t have? Was it because he’d said he liked her? But she said it first! And it wasn’t like he’d meant it in any way that she hadn’t seemed to mean it… He just… liked her company, he supposed.

“Shea?” he asked, finding his hands floating up in a sort of surrender/innocent gesture of their own accord. She bit her lip again, then sighed, the first sound she’d made since first running away from him on the couch. With a small step that almost entirely closed the distance between them, she held up her hand. She seemed reluctant, but she slowly uncurled her fingers from around what she was holding, letting him see. 

It took him a moment to place what he was seeing since he’d only seen something like it a few times in his life - mostly at Christmas when his extended family came to visit. His… second cousin? had them too. Although he suspected, given the understanding that she was at least fairly wealthy, hers had been paid for unlike Georgie’s. Georgie had been randomly selected for a trial of a new design - he hadn’t minded being a test subject one bit… though he’d also only been two. Still, they’d worked and the few times he and Georgie - George by now, Drew supposed since he must be fifteen or so - had met, Drew had never seen him without them. Of course, that meant he’d also never seen them off, either, which made him forgive himself for not recognizing them right away.

He tapped the two tiny devices with drunken curiosity. Had she been wearing them since they met? Why did she take them… 

“Are they broken?” he blurted, and then immediately started to blush. Obviously she couldn’t hear him… And, thankfully, that meant she may not have heard anything else he’d said to her. Especially thankfully to his comment that he knew she could hear him. No, she couldn’t. No wonder she pushed him off the bed! She hadn’t actually known he was there! It probably shouldn’t have felt so good to know he could startle her, especially when she looked so upset. Traces of guilt mingled with guilt-worthy giddiness. 

Shea pointed at her ear with her free hand, obviously telling him she couldn’t hear. I might be able to fix these, he thought, without actually opening his mouth to try and speak and make himself look even more ridiculous. At least he was drunk. That always made for a good excuse. 

Gesturing in a way he could only hope conveyed his desire to take a look, he held his hand out. Shea’s jaw worked - She could still talk, couldn’t she? - without sound again, and she slowly, almost looking scared again, dropped the external transmitters for cochlear implants into his palm. 

Part of him wondered in a sort of absent-minded way if she had styled her hair to cover her ears the way it did to hide them. He didn’t understand why if she had. They were cool! And then her comment about not wanting to trust anything he called cool rammed into that thought like a freight train and he decided he wasn’t going to say that to her if he could fix them. 

He looked them over, wishing he was more familiar with the fairly obscure technology - it would make it much easier to fix. But he could fix anything! That’s what his mother had boasted during the heatwave the summer before his first year of college when a whole bunch of his neighbors flocked to him to fix fans and air conditioning units and once noteworthy...ily… a refrigerator. 

He’d made fifty dollars in a week and was even given an old beaten up bicycle which he’d promptly traded to his older cousin Eddie for his Mighty Martian action figure collection. Eddie had laughed later about how he was planning on giving them to Drew anyway, too grown-up for ‘toys’ as he claimed to be, but Drew didn’t think the trade had been half bad for him. What was he going to do with an un-rideable bicycle, with bent handlebars and rusty chains, that was way too big for him anyway? Just like Eddie would have given the action figures right over to him, he would have been perfectly content to pass the bike over without question. 

Of course, the downside was that Eddie fixed the bike and managed to sell it for another fifty bucks. Drew had spent an entire day calculating how much the action figure collection was worth to make himself feel better about losing out on the extra cash. (It was worth almost two thousand dollars, all because Eddie had always been good at goading people into trades, even if he didn’t care about what he was trading for. Not that it really mattered since Drew was never going to be willing to sell any of it anyway.)

With a shake of his head, Drew forced himself to refocus on the devices in his hand. They’d gotten wet, at some point, he realized as he gave one a quick shake and droplets of water splooshed out onto his fingers. He almost opened his mouth to ask what happened, before remembering and turning on his heel (which belonged on feet, not hands) and starting the walk to his own bedroom. 

She trailed after him by no more than a step or two, following him in a way that was even more stray-puppy like than the night they had met. He shot her a small smile, hoping he could convey his confidence that he could fix them up for her. She only shrunk in on herself, hands stuffed in her pockets and looked away from him. His smile dropped and he turned away himself to step into his room. 

There was no real reason for him to not let her in, but he was tempted to shoo her out anyway as she followed him. A glimpse of her face made him decide not to. Her gaze was fixated on his hands, on her external transmitters, and she was wringing her own hands and biting at her lip and if she was as scared as she looked he couldn’t just make her go away. She didn’t even look like she fully realized that she was standing in his room, and she made no move to come in any further than to hover over him when he took a seat at his desk, so he decided it was fine. It really didn’t matter. 

As he started looking the transmitters over, calculating the best way to begin repairs on them he was reminded of the joke his father used to make when he was little. He used to say there were two people inside of Drew’s tiny body. There was the one who couldn’t pay attention to anything at all, not even a little bit - the one who had a million and two questions to ask unrelated to what was actually happening. And then there was the one that focused too much. The one that couldn’t be distracted by anything at all until whatever he was working on was done. Once, when he was maybe three he’d decided to build a spaceship out of blocks and cardboard boxes, and when his mother came to pull him away and make him eat his dinner with the family he had pitched a fit, screaming and crying and kicking and when he’d finally been allowed to go back, he knocked the whole thing down, so upset that he couldn’t make himself remember exactly where the next piece had been about to go.

The second person took over almost instantly, and his focus wasn’t taken away from his new little project even when Shea helped herself to sit on the corner of his desk or when she started rummaging through his notebooks. Well, he noticed it and smacked her hand away, but he only noticed it in the back of his mind. He didn’t notice the note she slid across the desk at him until she smacked his shoulder. 

It took him a moment longer than it should have to make out “What are you doing?” scrawled across a loose sheet of paper in perfect handwriting. He began grumbling out an answer, before stopping halfway through. Stupid. 

He snatched the pencil from her hand and wrote “FIXING” in all capitals (it was easier that way) below her question, relieved when she didn’t smack him to get his attention again. Mostly because of the focus, but also because it hurt. He suspected she might not realize how strong she actually was. Or he was weaker than he suspected, which would be embarrassing. 

Once he found a way to crack them open where they would reseal without needing so much as a drop of glue, drying off the transmitters took precedence… Which he did by unprofessionally dabbing at the insides with the fabric of his shirt. Whatever. If she complained he could still point out that he was drunk. Which, actually, was a little concerning, because he might be more likely to mess things up that way, but he was too drunk to even care about that.  

One part of the internal mechanism had completely fried, which was a shame. He needed some small piece of metal to replace it, he determined. Without any tools to cut metal on hand, he couldn’t… His body caught up to his brain before he had even caught up to his brain, and he found himself turning to snatch the pencil from Shea’s grasp again. It took a little bit more effort than he’d hoped but he eventually managed to snap the little piece of aluminum away from the eraser end of the pencil. It took even more effort, and some even further-from-professional biting, to gnaw off a piece that was the right size to replace the part that had been severely damaged.

The moment that was done, his mind snapped into a haze. He wasn’t sure - as always - if he even blinked the whole time he was completely zeroed in on fixing the devices. All he knew was that by the time he was done and looked up again, his eyes were burning, the sun was threatening to rise outside his bedroom window, he wasn’t sure if he needed to use the bathroom worse than he needed some water, and Shea looked absolutely adorable. 

She had dozed off at some point, still sitting on his desk with her head leaned up against the wall and her arms pulled across her chest. He didn’t mean to stare at her, and he didn’t stare for too long, but he couldn’t help it any more than he could help smiling at her as he did. She didn’t move much in her sleep aside from an occasional twitch of her fingers. She didn’t even snore, which was sort of frustrating. Logistically - logically? - he knew she wasn’t perfect. She still seemed perfect and that frustrated and scared and intrigued him. She didn’t even snore, for goodness sake! 

Shaking her awake, he decided as he began to squirm uncomfortably, would be something he did after he used the bathroom, and sprinted out of his room. 

She’d woken up after he left, he discovered with a startled scream when he stepped out of the bathroom a minute later to find her standing tensely outside, one hand raised as if to knock. Her shoulders slumped a bit, relaxing when she saw him. At least she didn’t hear him scream.

It was an impulsive movement brought on by his overeagerness to see if he’d managed to fix her transmitters, and therefore give her back her hearing, but he grabbed her hand and started to drag her back to his room. He couldn’t help but notice her slide her hand out of his grasp and cross her arms back over herself again, not cruelly or harshly, but she still did it. Commenting wasn’t worth it. What would he have even said?

He had to usher her back into his room as if she was only finally realizing that it was, in fact, his bedroom. He tried to not present the transmitters to her with too much of a flourish, considering he still didn’t know if he got them working again. From the way she rolled her eyes and smirked up at him, he must not have done a good job of not being pridefully dramatic.

Shea stared down at the devices, as he watched her hopefully. She took them from his outstretched hands, and instead of putting them back on then and there the way he had hoped, she grabbed them and ran off. He watched the bathroom door swing shut, and a moment later she’d clicked the lock shut, leaving him to anxiously pace the hallway as he waited for her. For a moment he debated making breakfast, but his stomach churned at the mere idea of food and he decided that that could wait until a more reasonable time. 

The very second he heard the bathroom door creaking open, he whirled around to face her, nerves wiping any trace of a smile clean off his face. That was, at least, until she shot him a small smile, her face a few shades greener than before. He couldn’t help breaking out into a grin, stopping his pacing a few steps away.

“Are they working now?” he asked, glad to not feel stupid for talking again. 

“Yeah,” she replied almost sheepishly with a quick, snappish nod. “Um… thanks. For– for fixing them. Can we…”

“What?”

“Just pretend you never saw them?” she finished so quickly and so quietly he could barely make out her words.

“Why?” he asked, mere curiosity earning him a glare. 

“Just… Don’t,” she grumbled– growled, really. 

“Shea?”

“Look,” she snapped at him, and he took a step away from her sudden wrath without really meaning to, “I’m enough of a freak already without this, okay? Nobody is meant to see them. Ever.”

“How long have you had them?”

“Drew…” Her voice sounded like a warning, a very tired warning, but a warning. 

That didn’t mean he had any self-control. “Well?”

Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, and if he wasn’t so fond of rolling his eyes himself he’d tell her they’d get stuck there. “What did you put in your pocket earlier?”

He felt his brow furrowing as he tried to figure out what she meant. Eventually, the only thing he could do was shrug.

“When you knocked down the photo of you and your mom,” she elaborated. “You put something in your pocket. What was it?”

He quickly shook his head as an understanding of what she wanted to know washed over him. “Nothing,” he told her, which he realized a moment too late was exactly what he’d said when she caught him the first time.

“Fine, but if you’re not going to tell me then you’re not allowed to even remember this happened, got it?”

“What do you expect me to do?” he asked, “Suddenly develop amnesia?”

Her hands flared up at her sides, and though she was quick to hide them behind her back he still felt suddenly wary, casually reminded that she could seriously hurt, maybe even kill him if she wanted. Somehow he suspected that she still never would.

“No,” she groused. “I just… Nobody is supposed to know, alright?”

“I won’t tell anyone,” he promised, hating how meekly his voice came out. 

Shea crossed her arms and slouched past him to throw herself down on the couch. “You’re not meant to know either.”

“Well, I’m glad I do,” he stated. And he was glad. If he didn’t know then she’d still be deaf and he’d still be terrified he had done or said something wrong and upset her. He was more glad that he’d been able to help, but that was beside the point. “Shea? I’m sorry, I don’t…” With a sigh he sat down on the opposite end of the couch, neither one making a move to look at the other. He slumped forward with his elbows on his knees, while she continued to glare in the direction of the kitchen, turned bodily away from him. 

It took five minutes of waiting, of hoping for her to break the silence and say something, for him to finally give in. “It was another picture,” he said, the words slip-sliding their way out of him, too quickly for him to decide to take back. 

At least she looked at him, even if it was with a calculated blank look on her face and a monotone, “What?”

“What I put in my pocket earlier. It was another picture.”

“Oh,” she said. 

“Does that make us even?”

“Not really. What’s it a picture of?”

Too late now… He reached into his pocket, glad to find he hadn’t accidentally folded or crumbled the wallet-sized photo in his working haze. She shifted closer to him at the same time he shifted closer to her, landing them with mere inches of space between them. He didn’t mind, and since she didn’t move away he wagered a guess to say she didn’t either. 

Even looking at the picture made him feel like someone had reached into his chest and ripped his heart right out. He hadn’t shown it to anyone since he was nine. It was nice, in a not-at-all nice way to show it to Shea. He held it low between them, and slowly flipped it over, willing himself to just let her see it. 

“Oh look, a fledgling dork,” Shea said, somewhere between laughing and sounding entirely unenthused. 

“I’ll have you know I was a full-fledged dork already, thank you very much,” he retorted, delighting in the smile she gave him and the brief peal of laughter that bubbled out of her. 

“That your dad?” she asked, her voice going soft as she pointed at the photo. Good thing she didn’t touch it - he may well have burst into tears… he had kept it so well preserved. 

Drew nodded and, deciding that thus far they had traded a secret for a secret, he told her, “It’s… It’s the last photo of just the two of us that we ever took.”

“How old were you here?” she asked, gently goading him. 

“Eight. This was just a few weeks before I turned nine.” He couldn’t even remember why the picture had been taken, there hadn’t been a special occasion. Just him, in a Mighty Martian t-shirt that fell down to his knees (one he still had tucked away in the very back of his closet for the absolute safest of keeping) and his father, in jeans and a striped polo shirt, working together to build a model rocket. 

“What… happened to him?” Shea murmured. 

Drew screwed his eyes shut, managing a shrug before letting out a shuddering breath. His words came out choked as he told her, “I don’t… really know. He just never came home one night after work just a few months after this was taken. He’d called to say goodnight to me as always since he didn’t get home from work until after I was asleep. But that night he said if I waited up for him we could watch a movie together since it was a Friday and I was a high school student. So I did. I stayed up all night but he never walked through the door.” He blinked back tears, hating that twelve years later he still wanted to cry. “The police spent half a year searching for him. My mother and I had to bury an empty casket.” 

He cautiously, nervously, terrified beyond reason...edly, risked glancing at her expression. He’d never told anyone before, about what had happened, too worried about how they’d react. In high school, rumors had been aplenty about Teddy Lipsky, the deadbeat who abandoned his wife and son, or about Teddy Lipsky, the poor soul who had been murdered so brutally they couldn’t even find the tiniest chopped up pieces of him. The first rumor would be hissed in his ear, “Even your dad doesn’t want you,” between classes, the second more cruelly recounted to him by Jack Bendtner - who had been a senior when Drew got to high school, and who Drew could only assume was still a senior - as he shoved him into lockers or dumped him into trashcans. 

Shea didn’t suggest either of those things had happened. She simply nodded and whispered a quiet apology. “That sucks,” she added, shrugging slightly. “Sucks to not know what happened, I bet. Or… does that help?” “I don’t know,” he told her. “I’m not sure I want to know. I hope… whatever happened to him… It wasn’t too painful.” 

He watched her bite her lip again before she gestured vaguely then dropped her hands in her lap. “I got hit by the comet first. So, I guess when the explosion happened I was the closest to the– the center or something, I don’t know. All I know is by the time we stopped being dead I couldn’t hear anything, and then like a week later I had these things surgically implanted in my head and… Wow, magic, I could hear again… Well, after the third try.” 

“I’m sorry too,” he told her, only because it felt like the right thing to say. “If it makes you feel any better, I think they’re cool. You’re like an android!” Which was exactly what he’d told himself not to say to her… 

Despite her amused sounding scoff she glared at him. “Not helpful.”

“Well, I’d want to be an android.” 

“That’s because you’re a dork, dork.” 

He could only smile as he leaned to rest his head against the back of the couch. 

“You know what?” Shea said a few minutes later, looking more asleep than awake. “Being nine fucking sucked.”

He snorted in surprise at her curse but nodded anyway. “Fuck being nine,” he agreed. Her laughter really ought not have been as nice a sound as it was. And fuck going to class, he thought to himself as early morning sunlight reflected around the room. 

[fantasyuta]

the first snow

[ haechan x reader: fluff ]

[ wc: 1872 ]

a/n: hnggg heard my boy donghyuck hurt his leg and i miss him a lot so 😔👉👈 here y’all go i guess! merry christmas if you celebrate! i’m too unmotivated to finish the ending well!

lee donghyuck’s been your best friend for nine years, but you had been sure for nine years it wouldn’t go anywhere past that. until senior year hits you like a bullet to the chest.

it’s winter, and the weather is dark and gloomy. even though it’s the afternoon, the sun has disappeared behind some grey clouds. you’re at the cozy cafe that happens to be walking distance from your high school with donghyuck, studying for finals and working on college applications. you sip at an iced americano out of all the options on the menu (‘cold weather makes me crave cold drinks, ok hyuck?’ you protest while donghyuck giggles at you), and donghyuck drinks a warm latte. papers are sprawled out between the two of you on the table like a madman’s work, and it doesn��t help that hyuck chose to sit at a tiny table, forcing you to squeeze in next to the wall. but the intimacy that you share, working in this tiny space, makes you feel a tiny bit more optimistic about your academic struggles.

everything around you feels like a blur; as a desperate attempt to stay awake, you stretch your arms and gulp at the coffee. hyuck frowns at you, asking a muffled question you can’t make out. you’re still yawning from spending too many sleepless nights writing up multiple essays that you (of course) wisely chose to procrastinate on. without warning he comes up right next to you, studying your eyes. he scrunches his nose in annoyance and he asks again: ‘y/n, how much did you sleep last night?’

you can’t respond. you’re too distracted by the suddenness of his presence pressing against you and his piercing brown eyes staring into yours, and your breath is caught in your throat. normally, you would laugh it off or retort with a joke. but now you’re flustered, your ears and cheeks blushing rosy pink. why the heck are you blushing?

hyuck frowns again. ‘why are you blushing?’ he demands.

you snap out of your daze, averting his gaze. ‘someone must’ve opened the door and let some cold air in. haven’t you noticed that it’s like 2 degrees outside?’ you finally retort.

donghyuck rolls his eyes and moves away, giving you a chance to catch your breath. ‘whatever. at least i’m not the idiot who decided to get a cold drink when it’s freezing outside,’ he jokes, his gaze softening.

‘but seriously y/n, please take care of yourself. even though school is important and all, your health is important too.’ he peers at you, pouting. ‘please?’

something about his words, his tousled brown hair and his concerned doe eyes, makes your heart clench, and you suddenly realize the mess you’ve gotten yourself into: even if you won’t admit it out loud, you know deep inside that you have caught feelings for donghyuck.

but you just force a smile on your face and say, ‘don’t worry about me, hyuck. i’ll be fine.’

you remember the first time you’d laid eyes on donghyuck. it must’ve been kindergarten or pre-school, when you were still learning to read and write. you’d giggled at the way he spelled his name in crooked letters, half of them backwards and even a couple upside down. he’d scowled, his round cheeks forming into pink balls like mochi, and scribbled all over your perfectly lettered paper as revenge.

but for some reason, he’d stayed your best friend. through elementary, middle, and high school, you’d shared ice creams together on hazy summer days and trudged through the snow with heat packs when it snowed. he acted as your makeshift boyfriend when guys asked for your number, and you let him come over to your house to do homework together. nothing really changed; he was still the hot-headed sassy donghyuck you’d known for almost a decade.

from the window, you watch the first snowflakes of the year fall out of the sky with childlike giddiness, and you excitedly wave donghyuck over. it’s winter break, christmas eve to be exact, and once again, you’re at donghyuck’s house. you were able to escape your own house by telling your parents you were having a sleepover at your friend’s house -- not a lie, exactly -- after deciding it would be a good idea to spend part of the holidays with hyuck since his parents were to be away the entire break.

‘they have some sort of business deal in japan or something,’ hyuck had shrugged nonchalantly the day before break started. ‘i stopped keeping track a while ago. but that means you can come over whenever you want,’ he added with a cheesy wink.

you had pushed at his arm, laughing. ‘okay, i guess i’ll keep your lonely butt company while your parents are gone.’

there’s a tiny sliver of hope in your soul. maybe it’s possible that donghyuck likes you too, not just as a friend.

you decide to focus on the present moment, the happiness that christmas is supposed to bring you. donghyuck hands you a warm mug of hot chocolate as he watches the snowfall with you, smiling.

‘you know, y/n, i haven’t had a snowball fight with anyone since i was a kid. sounds like a really good idea right now.’

‘is this an invitation to a snowball fight, lee donghyuck?’

he grins, grabbing his coat and gloves. ‘race you!’

you and donghyuck spend hours out in the snowfall, cold but carefree. you build snowmen and snow angels in the powdery snow, occasionally screeching at the boy when he steps in a snow angel or knocks over a snowman. and of course, you build snow forts on opposite sides of donghyuck’s huge front yard and assault each other with snowballs; finally, you overcome donghyuck as he protests, ‘i’m letting you win on purpose!’

‘whatever, you dork,’ you say, rolling your eyes. ‘please, let’s go inside, i’m freezing, and it’s getting dark. it’s been a few hours since we came outside,’ you pout. hyuck grudgingly obliges, whining as he trudges back toward his house.

once you’re inside donghyuck’s house, you shed your damp outerwear, shivering, and shyly ask hyuck for a pair of sweats, as your pants got wet and cold from the snow. after you get changed and dry, you huddle next to donghyuck for warmth in his huge bed. he wraps a fuzzy blanket around the both of you, and you lay your head on his chest, drowsily listening to his soft but steady heartbeat. you can feel yourself falling asleep, and you hear hyuck humming a christmas song you can’t pinpoint (white christmas?). above your head, you distinctly hear him say, ‘y/n, did you know that if you’re out in the first snowfall of the year with someone you like, then true love will blossom between you and that person?’

you look up into his deep chocolate eyes with your sleepy ones, and then your eyes shift to his mouth. everything feels like it’s in slow motion as his lips, still flushed pink from the cold, draw closer to yours, and you can’t help but close your eyes. you drift off to sleep, and the last thing you feel is a ghost of a kiss on your lips.

you wake up tangled in donghyuck’s sheets to see dim sunlight filtering through the enormous window in donghyuck’s room. you shut your eyes, wanting to avoid getting up, and cling to donghyuck’s warm body instead. donghyuck groans in his sleep as he instinctively hugs you back, making your cheeks blush. what even happened last night? you wonder, and you can’t help but think back to donghyuck’s words and the kiss. it might have been a weird dream your sleep deprived mind conjured up; nevertheless, your cheeks flush even redder at the thought.

hyuck slowly opens his eyes and blinks a couple times before smiling. ‘merry christmas, y/n,’ he croaks, his voice husky from sleep. luckily, he doesn’t seem to notice your blushing face.

you give a small smile in return. ‘good morning, donghyuck,’ you whisper. ‘merry christmas, you dork.’

the boy’s doe eyes begin to flutter shut again. ‘y/n… let’s stay here like this a little longer.’

you squeak an ‘okay’ as he shifts over and hugs your waist. you can’t help but giggle at the sight. his oversized grey hoodie, fuzzy bedhead, and clinginess makes him look like a big, soft koala. you pat his fluffy hair and let sleep consume you too.

when you wake up again, the light has shifted, and the bed feels empty without the presence of donghyuck; you blearily check your phone, which reads 1:32 pm. the smell of pancakes and the bustling of someone moving around (while clanging pans and singing to himself) hits you, and you quietly climb out of bed and tread downstairs.

you encounter a mess of a kitchen, with the counter covered in flour, multiple pans covered in burnt pancake, and a stack of pancakes in varying sizes piled up on a pink plate. there’s pancake mix splattered everywhere, even on the ceiling (how did that even get there?), but amidst the disorder, donghyuck is swaying around with a spatula in front of the stove. as you walk closer to the boy, you burst out in laughter, and hyuck whips around with a sheepish smile.

‘i tried to make breakfast?’ he confesses.

‘well, it seems like you’ve been having fun,’ you reply, pulling up a chair to his huge kitchen island and waving him over. he happily prances over, grabbing the pancakes and a bottle of maple syrup on the way. as you devour your breakfast/lunch, hyuck only watches you eat with a tilted head and eyes crinkled in a smile.

cheeks full of pancake, you peer up at him suspiciously. ‘whaf’s wrong? do i have somefing on my face?’ you ask, words garbled by your full mouth.

the boy only nods his head and leans forward, swiping his thumb across your lips to brush off crumbs. you almost choke on your pancakes at his sudden gesture, but you manage to swallow, cheeks reddening and eyes avoiding his gaze, instead focusing on your hands fidgeting in your lap and your feet swinging above the floor.

you hear donghyuck take a deep breath before he blurts out, ‘y/n, this is probably going to ruin everything, but i’ve had the biggest crush on you--’ your eyes widen ‘--and i know you’re my best friend, and this might ruin our friendship, and i’ve waited forever to ask you but then i kissed you yesterday a-and --’

he stammers before he takes another deep breath and grasps your hands in his warm ones, and you peek up into his worry-etched face. finally, he stutters, ‘w-what i really want to ask you is, will y-you let me be your boyfriend, y/n?’

you grin and respond, ‘well, how could i say no to that face?’ donghyuck’s face immediately brightens, and he leaps off his chair to embrace you. you hug him back, laughing at his enthusiasm and giddy giggling.

‘after all,’ you tease, ‘we were out in the first snowfall of the year together. looks like you’ll be stuck with me for a while, lee donghyuck.’