#like on bad nights i will convince myself that every single part of my personality is consciously manufactured

[hella1975]

omg that tams update fucking INCREDIBLE I adore the role reversal of azulas hope in the avatar and zukos skepticism it makes me ache so much in my heart

also this is now me just gushing about how I love your characterization for the fire siblings just in an overall general sense, like I know it's probably not purposeful the autistic traits I get out of them, that really IS just how they are whether I read into it deeper or not lmao, BUT I STILL ADORE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ESP FROM YOUR WRITING. LIKE YOU JUST GET IT SO MUCH I LOVE IT. Taking everything from social interactions at face value Zuko and responding very honestly abt it paired with very aware of everything Azula who expresses emotional attachments differently than others are my BELOVEDS thank you for them

im gonna be honest azula in particular ive mentioned a couple times in the tams outline that she's definitely got Something going on and it's v much the same canonically imo. like at the very least she's low-empathy but i definitely lean towards neurodivergent hcs with her and i think tams in particular highlights that (you'll understand later but to summarise briefly without spoilers we get a real recurring thing with azula of her treading on toes/hurting feelings without meaning to and getting very confused and not understanding social cues. it's written in her pov as her just not being used to being around so many people/people who aren't zuko when she's a low-empathy person anyway, but it can definitely be interpreted as autism). zuko also leans into this if you want him to but it's definitely azula i've focused it on

[purplecoffee13]

Nemesis with Benefits - Part 4*

Keep me awake, buy me a coffee

Summary: “You go on a horrible date, and there’s only one address that pops in your mind when you think about blowing off some steam…”

Wc: 4.3k

Tropes: enemies to lovers

Warnings: SMUT, degradation kink (kinda), use of sex toy(🤭), bit of bondage, tiny bit of jealousy/possessiveness

A/N: I passed my exam and in celebration I have written for you this new part of Nemesis with Benefits chapter! Hope y’all like it😋

General Masterlist

Series Masterlist

"And so, he said he couldn't get it, so I had to get my brother's car and drive an hour to get the keg!"

You fake a laugh, noticing that the sentence is supposed to be some sort of a punchline. Oscar's eyes twinkle with amusement at the sound of your fake giggles, and you have to do your best not to shiver at his prideful nod.

It has been three weeks since Tyler's party, and since... the events that occurred in Tyler's bedroom. Afterwards, you had picked up your life as usual, convinced that the itch was scratched and you could go back to more important things.

However, the memories of that night resurfaced your mind every single fucking day, like clockwork. Some nights you'd give in, bringing yourself to an orgasm with the help of your vibrator, but most nights you pushed the sinful thoughts down as far as possible. It made you less fun to be around, though. A bit snappy, huffing and puffing about every little thing that didn't work like you wanted it to.

So, when Benjamin suggested to set you up with this guy he knew, you couldn't agree quicker. You didn't quite care if you would get a love match out of it, you were mainly hoping for a good fuck.

Unfortunately, that wasn't going to be on the program tonight. The guy, Oscar, was the biggest fucking bore you had ever met.

Okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration. He has his interests... or better said interest: drinking beer. Every story he has told so far this evening is about drinking in some kind of way. He doesn't tell any jokes, he just says the ends of his sentences a bit louder and waits for you to laugh on cue. After about three stories, you caught on.

So far, you're on story number six, and he has not yet asked one thing about you. This date is a bust, you're going to have to admit defeat.

"Excuse me for just a minute, I'm gonna go to the bathroom." You say with a polite smile, sneakily grabbing your phone as you stand up and walk away to the toilets.

Once you're out of Oscar's sight, you hurry to the bathroom and quickly get into a stall. Unlocking your phone, your fingers work fast to get to Rebecca's name and click on 'call'. You put the phone to your ear, waiting for her to answer. She is quite quick, answering you in just a few seconds.

"'Sup girl, how's the date?" She asks casually.

"Unfortunately, he's got the personality of a wet sock. I'm gonna need you to fake an emergency, please?"

"Oh my god, is it that bad?"

"I can't listen to one more second of this guy's stories. All he talks about is beer! I mean, I like myself a beer, but you can't possibly fill up an hour and a half of stories about beer!" You exclaim, making Rebecca giggle.

"I'll call you in five minutes."

With a bit more hope, you walk back to the table, and brace yourself to be bored with another beer story. You almost laugh to yourself when Oscar, like you predicted, brings up another story of the time where he drank almost half of the keg and puked in the bushes. With your jaw clenched, you lay down your fork, having lost your appetite entirely. This is the worst fucking date ever.

You count down the seconds until the phone rings, and your heartbeat rises in excitement when it does. You fake a frown, telling Oscar that you need to pick up really quick. The second you answer the call, a string of screaming and crying sounds from the other side of the line.

You should have known that Rebecca would go all out, she's a theatre major after all, but it still throws you off a bit. Holding in your laugh, you put a bit of your own acting skills to use.

"Rebecca?! What— what's up?" You hold the phone closer to your ear again. She cries out something along the lines of 'He cheated on me!'. You glance at Oscar, who is positively terrified. Mission accomplished, you think.

"Stay where you are, okay? I'm on my way!" You say as you get up from your seat, grabbing your purse. Rebecca says something else about wanting to die, and after that you hang up.

"I'm so sorry, I've got to go. This was fun, text me." You spit out before speed walking towards the exit. You hear Oscar shout out how he doesn't have your number, but you act like you don't hear him.

The second you are outside, you dial Rebecca again. Like before, she immediately picks up.

"Did it work?"

"Yes, you're a genius, thank you!" You smile, looking around to see if maybe there's a taxi near. "Now I just need to get out of here before he catches up with me or something."

"I already called an Uber for you."

You let out a dreamy sigh. "Are you an angel sent from heaven?"

"Actually, yes, I am." Rebecca jokes, and the two of you chuckle. "No but seriously, it's not big deal. It should be there now I think. It's a black Volvo."

And as if on cue, a car matching the description pulls up in front of you. You put your hand up, signaling that the driver is here for you, and walk towards the door.

"Thank you so much babe."

"No problem. Debrief tomorrow?" She asks as you slide into the car and silently greet the driver.

"Yes, over lunch?"

"Sounds good, I'll text you tomorrow. Love you."

"Okay, love you, bye." You say before hanging up the phone. The driver turns around, asking where you want to go. You give him your address, and he begins driving. It is quite a drive from your place and from campus, this restaurant.

You look out the window, reeling the ridiculously bad date. You're a bit disappointed; you were really hoping to have a fun night tonight. Sighing, you look at your phone screen, allowing a forbidden thought to crawl to the front of your mind.

After fiddling with you hands for about five minutes, going back and forth with your stance on your own idea, you make a decision. Swallowing, you unlock your phone and go to your message app.

You

Where r u?

The realization kicks in your mind the second you send the message. What the fuck are you doing? You go back to the chat, holding your finger on the message to delete it, but then you see three dots.

+1-334-555-0383

Home, why?

You

Text me ur address

+1-334-555-0383

Why?

You stare at the word he sent you for a couple of seconds. You scoff. As if he doesn't know why you are texting him right now. You think for a bit, deciding on what to send him.

You

I want my panties back

*****************************************

It doesn't take long after you've banged on Harry's door that he opens it. He wears a smirk on his face, his signature look it seems. He likes this, the fact that you're going to give in. Technically, you already have, but you aren't going to admit that.

He doesn't say anything, merely stepping aside to let you in. You stride into his apartment, letting your eyes fly over the apartment. It is not what you expected at all. The boring beige and grey colors you had imagined would dominate the color palette of his living room is instead a navy blue. There is nothing grey about this place at all.

Nevertheless, you ignore all the things you want to say about his apartment, and turn around, hands on your hips.

"So?" You shrug, insinuating for him to give you your panties back. You both know it's not what you're here for, and Harry raises his eyebrows, as if having accepted the challenge to see whoever can hold up this act the longest.

"It's probably somewhere in the panty drawer."

"You have a panty drawer?" You frown, disgusted with him even having such a concept.

"Women always seem to leave them here." He says, casually strolling towards his bedroom. You follow him with a sigh. Entering his bedroom, you try your best not to look so surprised over how beautiful it is. The deeper shade of dark blue that coats the walls looks very pretty in comparison to the light bedding, curtains and other furniture.

When you turn around, you see your panties in Harry's hand. He holds it out for you to grab, but pulls away just when you try to do so. You give him a pointed look, but he doesn't seem to care. The second attempt to snatch the panties from his grip fails as well, and you find yourself groaning in frustration.

"Stop being a fucking dick." You bark at him.

"Fine." He shrugs. You reach for the panties again, but Harry catches your worst with his free hand. His eyes search yours. "Tell me why you really came here, and I'll give you your panties back."

"I came here to get my panties." You say through gritted teeth, blood rising to your cheeks. The touch of Harry's fingers on your wrist heats your skin up even more than his infuriating actions do.

"Try again." He grins, dimples showing and everything.

"I came here to get my panties." You repeat, glaring at him with nothing but fury behind your eyes. He throws the panties behind him, and they land back on his drawer.

"See, I think you're lying." Harry says, stepping a bit closer to you. You lose your breath at the proximity, and you feel like you might start sweating. Harry notices, and smirks, pressing his thumb into your wrist. "I can feel your heartbeat, you know."

You huff, not sure you're able to keep this up any longer. Harry lets go of your wrist and sneaks his hand around your neck instead. You feel the blood pumping through your veins as he leads you backwards towards his bed.

"I think you're a little bit frustrated. You couldn't get me out of your system, so now you're here to beg for my cock." His low voice vibrates through the room before he pushes you onto the bed, standing over you. "Did I guess that right?"

When you don't answer, Harry scoffs.

"Fine, you won't mind if I find out for myself, will you?" He asks, pushing your legs apart. You obey him silently, shaking your head. You refuse to admit defeat, but you're afraid that the second his fingers touch your pussy, it'll be game over.

Harry's fingers slowly trail up your leg, taking his time with his victory. You hold your breath, the pounding of your heart making it feel like it might jump out of your chest, as you stubbornly hold his stare. His fingers wrap around your panties and gently pull them down, the smirk on his face only growing the further the panties are pulled down your legs.

The cool air that hits your cunt nearly makes you shiver, but you resist the urge, and focus on maintaining the last shred of dignity you have by holding up that poker face of yours.

You watch Harry observe your pussy, as if it is the first time he's ever seen it. Despite knowing that he is dragging this out to tease you, you can't help but ball your fists in anticipation of what he's going to do or say. When Harry's eyes flick up to yours again, you let out a hint of a sigh.

"Well, well, look who's turning out to be a liar." He says cockily, tongue running against his cheek. Your face remains stoic, and you refuse to say anything. "What am I going to do with this, hmm?"

He looks at you for a few seconds, a thought running through his mind. Then, he suddenly walks away from you and to his closet. You lean on your elbow to sit up a bit, trying to see what the hell he is doing. When he turns around, he is holding a small box. Your eyes widen when you see the picture on the box.

"Are you open to trying out this toy?" He asks, nearing you again.

"I'm not going to put a vibrating egg inside of me that has already been inside of like seventeen other people." You argue, shaking your head in disagreement. Harry quirk up an eyebrow, the right corner of his mouth tugging up.

"Seventeen is an oddly specific number." He notes, and you roll your eyes. Of course that is what he pays attention to.

"It's the first number that came to mind." You reply, unimpressed by his attempt to seem funny. He laughs softly, putting the box down beside you.

"It's new, I just bought it. It's not even out of the plastic wrapping yet." He tells you as you scan the box. The shiny plastic coat around the box makes you believe he is indeed telling the truth. You think it over for a second, still not entirely sure.

"Why'd you buy it?"

Harry shrugs. "Well, technically I didn't buy it. The website had this deal about getting an extra secret toy, or something. I honestly don't really remember, truth be told I was kind of high when I ordered it."

You sigh, your lips cracking into an unavoidable smile. Of course he orders sex toys while he's high, the bloody idiot.

"Okay, yes. I've always wanted to try it."

Harry looks pleased with your answer, and he is quick to return to business. "Alright then, get further onto the bed and lean your head against the headboard."

Your stomach bubbling with excitement, you crawl towards the headboard and wait until Harry comes walking over with a belt. When he signals for you to give him your wrists, you don't hesitate to do so, biting your lip impatiently as he ties your wrists above your head.

You wait for him to put the batteries in the toy and test it out on his hands—which seems like it takes forever—before he finally saunters back to you. He sits down on the side of the bed, and brings his hand down to your cunt, inspecting it with his own digits.

You gasped out at the sudden contact, not having expected it to be so much and out of practically nowhere. Without a word, he pushes a finger inside of you. You try to catch up with your breathing but it is hard with Harry pumping his finger in and out of you, especially when he decides to add another one.

The frown that paints your face and expresses the emotion that your shut eyes can't portray, have Harry picking up his pace a bit. The squelching sound of your wetness only increases with every time he sticks his fingers inside your hole, but you manage to keep quiet despite the immense pleasure that makes you want to scream out.

It is only when Harry removes his finger that a slight whimper falls from your lips, and Harry feels the immediate results of it: tighter pants. Figuring you are wet enough now, he grabs the toy from his lap and brings it to your pussy.

"'M gonna put it in now, okay?" He announces. You squeak out an 'okay' and watch as Harry lets the toy disappear inside of you, filling you up ever so slightly. He softly restrains your legs from closing, watching in awe at how your chest rises and falls at the hand of your breathing.

"You okay?" He asks when he's put the toy all the way in. Your heavy eyes fight to stay open as you answer him with a soft 'yes'. He nods, looks down at the remote in his hands, and gets up from the bed. Your eyes trace his every movement, heart pounding at the thought of what his next step could possibly be.

He walks over to his dresser, and grabs the panties which you came to retreat in the first place. He turns around and stalks back to you, standing in front of you now on the end of the bed. One hand in his pocket, the other one holding your panties.

"You wanted these, right?" He asks. You nod, and open your mouth to respond, but the feel sudden vibrations cause you to let out nothing but a string of moans.

"I asked you a question." Harry taunts you, walking over to you. "Did you want these?"

The chance at an answer is interrupted once again by the increasing speed of the toy, and you shriek out at the intense feeling of it. Your body squirms, and you feel yourself getting fed up by these stupid games Harry is playing.

"Alright then, let me ask you a different question. Why did you come here? Honest answers this time." He warns, sitting down next to you again. He strokes your shaking leg. You take a deep breath.

"I was on a date." You confess. As soon as the sentence has left your mouth, the rhythm changes. Your hips buck at the sudden switch. Harry, with his jaw clenched, nods at your honest answer.

"Doesn't explain why you're here." He replies nonchalantly. You sigh in frustration.

"I— I needed... I was frustrated, and I thought he could help me, but he couldn't." You say, hoping he's catching onto what you're saying. From the look on Harry's face, it seems that he does.

"So you came to me to relieve that frustration? How sweet..." He concludes arrogantly. You can't put him in his place, though, because that's exactly why you came here.

You don't expect him to add his thumb to your clit for extra stimulation, but he does. You cry out his name along with a few profanities at the increased pleasure, especially now that he's changed the speed to its maximum.

"Hmm, just this once, that's what you said, right?" He taunts, pressing his thumb down a bit harder, leaving you nothing but a whimpering mess under him. You lower your arms unconsciously, but Harry pushes them back.

"Wish you could see yourself, tied up and crying for me like the desperate slut you truly are. Knew you'd come running back, begging for my cock. Knew one time wouldn't be enough for you." The filthy words fall from his lips so easily, as if second nature to him. It sounds so good with the combination of his voice and accent. The degrading words bring you to the edge, and his fingers push you right over it.

"Ah, shit! Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!" You whimper, eyes shut as your entire body moving along with the aftershocks of your orgasm. While still coming down from your orgasm, you hear the faint sound a belt unbuckling, but you only open your eyes when you feel the bed dip.

You watch in awe as Harry leans over you, and hiss when he takes out the egg. He puts it on the nightstand along with the remote before aligning his hard, bare cock with your wet hole. And just like that, he pushes himself into you.

You wince at the change of size, breathing deeply as he enters himself entirely. It is easy to slide in considering how drenched you are, but you still have to get used to his girth again. Harry sighs at how tight your pussy feels around his cock, uttering out some curse words as he lets you adjust to him. And then, he begins to move.

"Shit, you’re so big… it feels so good." You pant, your eyes fluttering shut. Your senses are entirely focused on the way Harry is building up his pace inside of you and his lingering touch on the rest of your body. He is everywhere; he massages your tits, grazes his fingers over your thigh, and grips at your waist.

"I know baby, just the way you needed, hmm? Worth breaking the one-time rule, isn't it?"

"F-fuck... yes Harry."

"Glad you came to your senses and called me, sweetheart. Not like that guy could've satisfied you the way you needed." He cockily remarks, and it almost feels like the comment is more for himself than to you.

"Maybe he can." You decide to stir the pot. Your core flutters at the low chuckle that leaves Harry's mouth. He pulls himself almost all the way out of you, before he thrusts into you with way more force. You moan loudly at the feeling of him reaching your g-spot.

"No he can't, sweetheart. Otherwise you wouldn't have texted me after your shitty little date, begging to be fucked dumb by me." He says, resuming to deeply thrust into you. You have lost nearly any ability to truly form coherent sentences, only borderline pornographic moans managing to escape you. Your face is curled up, and you clench your fists together.

"Fuck you—" is all you manage to croak out.

"I am fucking you, baby. And you love it so much, I can tell you’re close. Are you gonna do it, baby? You gonna soak the cock of the guy you hate most?" Harry teases you with his words, but his fingers are back on your clit. It doesn't take long after his touch reaches your most sensitive nub before you begin to spasm under him. A long string of high pitched whines accompany to euphoric orgasm that overcomes you.

Instead of slowing down, Harry begins to chase his own orgasm, driven by the way you are clenching around him, and picks up his pace. The sound of your bodies clashing against each other and your panted moans are like music forming a symphony and you can't quite fathom how good the two of you sound together. During sex, that is, not in any other situation.

"You fuck me so good, Harry. I hate it." You confess, still woozy from your orgasm and how deeply Harry is driving into you right now. Not even a few seconds later, Harry's hips still, and he lets out the sexiest groan you have ever heard in your life. He falls over you, catching himself with his hands. He keeps himself and his seed buried inside of you as he tries to steady his breathing and looks at you, curls hanging in front of your face. A smile creeps on both your lips.

"So... can I have my panties back?" You joke, and Harry laughs accordingly. A silence follows soon after, one in which Harry pulls himself out of you, unties your wrists, and carries you to the bathroom to clean you up.

Afterwards, you walk back to the bedroom together, where Harry puts you back on the bed and tells you to wait there while he grabs you some water. You obey, but your eyes fall shut by accident.

When Harry returns, he sees you, lying on your side with your eyes closed, breathing deeply. For a second he thinks about walking you up, but it quickly dawns on him that he doesn't really feel the need to do that. He has tired you out quite a bit, and he's already seen you naked, so what does a few hours of sleeping next to each other really matter?

*****************************************

*The next morning*

It was quite the shock to open your eyes and realize you weren't lying in your own bed. It had come back to you swiftly, the events of last night, and you were quite disturbed with the fact that a smile was the first bodily reaction you had to the memory.

You didn't want any unnecessary drama or awkward conversations, so you decided to sneak out.

Now, on your way home with the bus, that same smile paints your face again, that is until you are interrupted by the ringing of your phone. You immediately pick up when you see Rebecca's name.

"Hey, how are you?" She asks once you've greeted her.

"Good. Better, knowing that I am never ever going to date again." You exaggerate, mainly for fun.

"Don't say that! You'll be fine." She urges, her voice letting her gentleness shine through like it always does. "Anyways, I wanted to ask, where are we having lunch?"

"Uhm, how about that new place across your street?" You suggest, and Rebecca contests in an agreeing hum.

"Sounds good!”

You smile. “Okay, then I’ll meet you there at… twelve?”

“Perfect, and then you can tell me why you didn’t go home last night.” She says, and you can tell she’s holding back her laugh, but your face pales entirely. When you don’t respond, she’s quick to continue. “I saw that the Uber ride ended on some street near campus, so you definitely didn’t spend the night home right?”

You take a deep breath, a thousand possible lies running through your brain as you think of a response.

“I’ll tell you over lunch.” You finally say, and distance your ear from the microphone at the sound of a high pitched squeal coming from the other line. You giggle at your friends’ enthusiasm, but your stomach is heavy with the weight of this blown up lie.

After that night at the party, you thought, that would be that. You’d never hook up with Harry Styles ever again, and the event would be erased from your memory. Although, it didn’t exactly, as you thought about it every night, but you didn’t expect yourself to do this kind of shit. And the worst thing is, it feels too good to stop. You don’t want this to be the last time.

So, you better think of some elaborate lie to tell Rebecca.

Your head shoots back to your phone screen when it lights up and the familiar ping of a text sounds through the bus. You lower your volume and unlock your phone to see who texted you this early in the morning.

+1-334-555-0383

You forgot your panties again

[outfitqueer]

The Tipping Point

Deciding to Come Out @outfitqueer 🏳️‍⚧️

Deciding to come out was like reaching the peak of a mountain I had been climbing for years, often without realizing how steep the incline was.

For so long, I had been carrying the weight of my true identity, hidden beneath layers of fear, uncertainty, and societal expectations.

But there comes a point where the burden becomes too heavy, and the idea of continuing to live a life that isn’t yours feels more unbearable than the fear of what might happen if you finally let go.

In the months leading up to my decision, the internal struggle became almost constant.

It was as if every aspect of my life was being filtered through this lens of dissonance.

Simple interactions—buying clothes, talking to friends, even just walking down the street—were charged with a quiet but persistent reminder that I was living a life that didn’t align with who I truly was.

I’d look at other women, not with envy, but with a deep sense of recognition and longing.

They were living the life I wanted, the life that felt like it should be mine.

One of the most challenging parts was the internal dialogue that raged on, often late at night when I was alone with my thoughts.

I’d go back and forth, trying to convince myself that I could keep going as I was, that maybe it wasn’t so bad.

But the truth was, every day that passed where I didn’t live as my authentic self felt like a day wasted, a day where I was denying the very essence of who I was.

There were also those moments—sharp, crystallizing moments—where the dissonance was impossible to ignore.

Like the time I found myself avoiding my reflection in a store window, not because I disliked how I looked, but because I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me.

Or when a friend casually commented on how they couldn’t imagine being anyone but who they were, and I realized with startling clarity that I had never truly felt that way about myself.

But the final tipping point wasn’t a single moment; it was a culmination of many.

It was the slow, steady realization that the pain of hiding was greater than the fear of being seen.

It was recognizing that every time I pushed my true self down, I was only prolonging the inevitable.

I remember sitting alone one evening, the weight of everything pressing down on me, and thinking, “I can’t keep doing this.” That thought was followed by another, softer but more resolute: “I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be me.”

From that moment, the decision was made.

It wasn’t sudden or impulsive; it was the result of years of internal struggle and self-reflection.

But once I allowed myself to acknowledge it, there was no turning back.

The fear was still there—of course it was—but it was now accompanied by a sense of determination, a quiet but firm resolve that I was going to come out, no matter what.

In that decision, there was a strange mixture of terror and relief.

I knew the road ahead wouldn’t be easy, but for the first time, I felt like I was moving toward something real, something that truly belonged to me. And that made all the difference.

Coming out wasn’t just about telling others who I was; it was about finally telling myself, and in doing so, beginning the process of becoming whole.

It was the moment when I chose authenticity over fear, truth over silence.

And in that choice, I found the strength to step into the light and begin living the life I was always meant to live.

@outfitqueer 🏳️‍⚧️

[wolfjackle-creates]

Wow. I am blown away by the response to my bang fic so far. I did not expect a Jazz POV fic with a (relatively) rare pair to do half so well as it has.

But here's another scene I love from the first chapter. Consider checking out on AO3 if you haven't already!

-----

Twenty minutes later, they were curled up together on Dick’s bed with the lights out. Jazz had insisted on being the little spoon. After the last few days she’d had, she wanted nothing more than to have her boyfriend curled protectively around her.

“Jazz?”

“Hmmm?” she replied, already half asleep.

“Do you— Are you— Is it good for you, to work with metas in trouble?”

Her eyes flew open and she stared into the dark room. Any hint of sleep was gone as she lay there tense. Dick’s arm tightened around her stomach. She took one deep breath, then another. “You’re worried because of my brother.” It was a statement, not a question.

Dick hummed, “We’re similar in some great ways and some terrible ones. I want to make sure taking cases like Callum’s isn’t going to keep you wallowing and unable to move on.”

Jazz screwed her eyes shut against the burning. “My brother is dead,” she said, the half-truth ash in her throat. “He is dead and I couldn’t stop it. His powers only made him more of a target and not a single adult tried to stick up for him.” Each word was harder to say than the last. “If I can keep it from getting that bad for anyone else… I need to do it. I wouldn’t be able to face myself in the mirror if I didn’t try.”

“Okay,” said Dick. “Okay. I believe you.”

Jazz forced herself to relax again. Of course Dick would be worried. If their positions had been reversed, she would’ve asked the same thing.

Just as she was starting to relax, Dick spoke again. “Would he have liked me?”

Jazz sucked in a breath; behind her, Dick tensed. Before he could apologize or try to take back his question, Jazz replied. “Danny hated every guy I dated in high school.”

Dick’s arm tightened around her, and Jazz grabbed his hand to thread their fingers together.

“I can’t blame him, though. I dated some horrible guys. The worst, get this, he only dated me because he was part of some weird magic cult. They fucked up a ritual or something and he wanted to use my body as a host for his real girlfriend’s soul when her body got destroyed.”

“What the fuck?” asked Dick. “Didn’t you grow up in the middle of nowhere? That’s some Blüdhaven or Gotham shit.”

Jazz laughed and squeezed his hand. “The corn makes people crazy. Now hush, let me answer your question.”

“Sorry,” said Dick, but Jazz could hear the smile in it. And feel it when he kissed the back of her neck.

“Quite all right. Now, Danny, as I said, he hated every guy I dated.” She bit her lip. Despite the jokes, she struggled to talk around the lump forming in the back of her throat. “But none of them were good guys. If I had been able to introduce the two of you, he’d be mistrustful. And probably try to interrogate you.” She chuckled, though it was a bit wetter than her normal. “Not that it’d phase a police officer like you.

“But… Yes, Dick. Once I’d convinced him to give you a legit chance? He’d have loved you. The two of you have the same sense of humor, the same sense for justice, and the same disregard for personal safety. I’d go gray worrying about what the two of you were up to behind my back.” She let out a shaky breath and repeated, “He’d have loved you.” The truth of that statement burned more than the lies and Jazz kept herself still so Dick wouldn’t notice the tears she couldn’t stop.

It was a long moment before Dick replied. “Good. I’m glad.”

“Now, let me get some sleep.”

Dick kissed her spine again. “Good night. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

-----

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[sourbinnie]

do you miss me? | changbin x gn!reader angst | does she miss you too?

there was no denying she was a beauty. she's so bright, bubbly and so full of comfort, it's hard not to fall for her. i feel sorry for her and at the same time not at all. it was a weird feeling that my chest was mixing whenever i saw them together. he looked so happy with her yet it was all fake (or maybe it was all fake when he was with me?). he's gotta date her because that's what their contracts say, he's gotta be with her, love her, cherish her, be seen with her, fuck her and just overall have her in every way, shape or form. 

it was no lie that the biggest magazines said they were the "it" couple. the one to watch out for as they were both rising stars in the industry. different companies that came together to be even bigger just by having two people date in front of the cameras was pathetic really but who i was to discuss these decisions? i knew nothing. hidden like a secret that nobody wanted to keep, i found myself in my apartment that i shared with him once again. wondering why he still kept me around and why he wasn't with her, maybe because he chose me first or maybe he just felt bad about leaving me. the angel and devil on my shoulder kept fighting about the worst of possibilities and i was just tired at this point. 

the most permanent news were going around that the new it girl group was dating the stray kids producer. i shut it off as i looked at the tv screen one last time to see that damn image of them kissing on the red carpet. it wasn't professional but it sure as hell looked convincing under all the facade that i was facing every single day. he didn't even come home lately, he just stayed at the dorms because it was easier to not be seen going to an unknown apartment in the middle of the night. no messages would pop up, no calls would come in and no keys would jingle at the door.

it was almost as if i lived alone here and i was starting to get used to it. as if there was a break up that happened that i didn't take part in deciding. even now thinking of it, what would i even say? that i wanted to stay? he didn't want me and it showed. so much debate going on in my head, made me miss him walking in the apartment. a sense of stress washed over me as soon as i saw him. 

"i missed you." he said calmly and i sighed. even if it did make my heart beat faster, i knew it was a lie. i didn't want more pity in my life, it was enough with my friends, my family and his bandmates making sure that i was okay all the time after seeing what was going on.

"did you?" i asked bitterly. i wanted to cry but i wasn't going to, i was stronger than my tears this time as i kept my position clear. "we haven't talked in so long changbin".

"and i'm sorry about that but you know how it is with the comeback and-". as soon as i knew what he was gonna say, i cut him off

"and the new relationship, yeah i get it." i responded as i tried to keep my composure and remain as calm as i could even if it felt like the world fell apart 300 times whenever i heard him mention it.

"i didn't want this (y/n)! don't pin the blame on me." he said and i knew his temper, he quickly lost it whenever we fought but this time it felt like a lie. putting on a mask to make it seem like he truly did love me and he was just playing along because his company forced him to. i knew better than that (or did i?).

"yeah sure, like it's not easy to be with someone who looks like a model and has the most lovely personality. oh yeah your life is so hard." i backfired and crossed my arms as i looked at him, trying to think of how to answer that without getting too mad.

"what do you want me to do? it's already everywhere and if i tell our managers what i want, they won't take me fucking seriously." he said like it would make things better that he even considered telling them about it. they chose the one member in a relationship to do this, they were so fucking cruel that it just didn't matter did it? this was better for the band and it will never be good for us. even if they did get more fans, what was the point? well...

"just tell me the truth changbin, i don't want any more lies." crystal tears were now falling from my eyes as all composure and calm was lost. "do you love her?" i asked or mumbled as best as i could.

"what? you're seriously asking me if-" he saw me sobbing and then stopped what he was saying. he got closer to me but i just backed off, i didn't want to be touched by him anymore. "baby please. you know well that i-i only love you."

"answer my question please." i insisted and i just got the worst response i could ask for.

"i don't know. it's probably because i've spending a lot of time with her but that's it!" he said and i just shook my head in disbelief. of course he was falling, just like i said it was impossible not to fall for someone like her. everything resembled perfection itself and who was i to deny him how he felt? he needed to get out of here immediately. "but i do need you, i do want to be with you and as soon as this is over, i'm announcing you as my significant other like you deserve."

"i won't be here anymore." i said almost not believing myself as i got up with all the strength that i had in that moment 'cause all i wanted was to curl up into a ball and cry. "i can't wait for you anymore, especially if you're already falling for her."

"no, you know i can't let you walk away." he said as i was already on my way to our shared bedroom. i grabbed my suitcase and started throwing stuff in, not even looking what it was but knowing most of it was mine. "don't do this, we fucking said forever and now you're throwing it away?"

"so now it's my fault huh? tell me if you saw me kissing, holding hands, hugging, fucking another guy would you like it? if i told you i was falling for him would you stay?" i asked knowing the answer and being met by complete silence. i zipped the suitcase once i was done 'cause i needed to go as soon as i could. "hope you don't do to her what you did to me 'cause it was a living hell waiting for you."

"you know it's always gonna be you right?" he mumbled as i could feel the tears coming in any second now. "i don't want anyone else and even if i did feel something for her, it doesn't compare to what i feel for you."

the quiet was so loud that i almost felt a little bad for doing this. but no, i could not walk straight into those arms as much as i wanted to. i could not do this to myself once again when all i did was love him and i got stabbed in the back. 

"too bad you didn't show it." i said, looking at him one last time as i stood right in front of the door. "please don't text or call me changbin, it was good while it lasted but you really did lose me this time."

and i walked out of his life.

forever?

[mysteriouseggsbenedict]

coming on here to express my love for episodic storytelling and TV

i often struggle with watching movies, but man, TV shows hit different. They are formatted perfectly to allow for a consistent viewing routine that makes my brain buzz. Every night after dinner I watch an episode of my current show. Every night, I get the next chapter of the story, and when I spend a couple weeks to a couple months on a show (depending on its length) it becomes so familiar while still delivering new and interesting content every time.

I love getting to know characters over long periods of time. I love seeing them on screen for many more hours than I would in a singular film, learning their beats and feeling connected to them and the weird feeling that makes me think of them like they're real people even though I know in my brain that they aren't. It's what lets me write convincing fanfiction about them. I learn their voices so well that I can imitate them with great success.

TV is one of the most looked-down-upon modes of entertainment (it's mindless, it's what the people in apocalyptic narratives are addicted to, the television drones on while real life passes them by) but I just want to defend it as an art form that adds value to my life. The most meaningful scenes in a show will stick in my memory and change my mind about something or make me think about it differently or give me advice that I remember and follow. Those scenes inspire me and teach me about being human.

I don't know if it's a bad thing that I choose TV shows as my hyperfixations and spend months to years thinking about their characters every single day. I guess it's just part of autism and part of me. I do often find myself disliking the ends of shows because they are so rarely ever the happy ending I want. The couple doesn't get together or the person's dreams don't work out because the writers (maybe rightly) think that says something more meaningful about life than letting the ending be purely happy.

But I think just because shows become my escape and my obsessions I want those happy endings. I usually just pretend like the story never ends. In my head, and in my fanfiction, the characters live on forever, happy and domestic and healing, never aging or losing or ending. Because that's what I want to be true. During my hour after dinner I'm under no contract to the real world.

[lexxiie]

Hi! I’m kinda new here and I read a few of your works and I just read you rules so I’m sure I’m not breaking any, but I was wondering if you could write how Chisaki would react o take care of his S/O who has cancer? I was recently diagnosed and it would make me happy to have my fav character take care of someone who has the same thing as me. Love your writing! I hope you have a wonderful day/night! <3

Hello, darling! I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through something so difficult, I truly hope everything turns out just fine for you. Sending you a hug and my best wishes. I myself had a close person to me suffering from cancer, I hope i'm able to write something decent.

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Pairing: Kai Chisaki x Reader

Kai and you found out that you had cancer about a year after you started dating. He had never experienced love before you. One morning he just found himself realizing that his whole life now belonged to you; his dreams, hopes, thoughts, and his soul. All of them yours, only to wake up the next morning being met with the news that it could all go away.

It's really... weird to think about how someone who is now a part of you, someone who you view as so strong and lively can actually just disappear. Logically, he knows no one is immortal, but you are just so bright and present that somehow it's almost impossible to believe that you could ever leave.

Upon your diagnosis, you tried to be positive and strong. Optimism was important to you, knowing that if you lose hope, then you'll lose everything. You made the choice to try to live as normal as possible the moment you saw the look on Kai's eyes when the doctor said "cancer". You had never seen him so... vulnerable? He had always been a man who reflected strenghth and power, there was a time when you would've sworn he had no feelings at all, that he was just an empty shell of a man. Of course, you now know that he could, in fact, feel. You knew he loved you, but this was something completely new. You realized that if you were to crumble, he would to.

Kai isn't stupid, though. He knows you are trying so hard because of him. During the first few weeks, he started researching everything there was on your condition. He would memorize every single appointment you had, every medication needed, one of his worst fears being the thought of how much pain you were going to face. The treatment is certainly not easy, it takes up so much energy off of anyone, and though you tried hard to remain strong, the change was impossible to ignore.

Kai had once been a man who lived for himself, no one was as important to him as he was, but right now, he just wished there was a way of trading places with you, he wouldn't think twice. If there's someone who deserves all of this, that's him. One thing I can assure you, though. He won't let anything happen to you. Whatever it takes. If he has to travel across the whole world searching for someone with a quirk that can cure you, he will. If he has to take you to a hospital at the other side of the globe to get you a better treatment, he will. He'll do anything. And once he sets his mind on something, he can't be stopped.

He argues with doctors from time to time since he gets frustrated whenever you have bad days where you truly are hurting. He sometimes wishes he had become a doctor because he's convinced he would do things better. Going in and out of hospitals disgusted him because of germs and all, but that fear is now his last priority.

He totally tries to make your life as comfortable as possible, he doesn't want you to get even more tired than you already are. If you are honest with yourself, you kind of feared that he would get away from you once he felt like this was all too much, but if anything, it has just brought you closer, he never leaves your side. Of course, you are much weaker that before, on some days even more so. That's when he'll take care of you the most. He helps you shower, or even dress in hopes he can be useful. And though it may be hard to imagine, he constantly reassures you. You are everything to him. No amount of changes in your attitude or even your body will ever change that, and he's confident that one day, this will all go away and you´ll be able to fulfill all of your plans and dreams for your future together, this is just a rock in the way.

Onto some other small details on what he does for you, he totally carries you through your home so that you don't waste energy walking. I truly believe this man has always cooked for himself because of germs, however he wasn't great at it, but he learned just to cook for you everyday. He'll read to you whenever you feel too drained, to distract you. Also trying to hide the fact that he's absolutely terrified so that he won't terrify you. This whole situation has given him perspective. He wasn't one to constantly show affection or say I love you, but now he sure does all the time. Overall this has just helped him realize how much he needs you in his life, for the rest of his life, and he's not gonna let anything or anyone change those plans. You will be fine, he'll make sure.

MASTERLIST

[lost-in-faith]

Unconditional Love: Yourself.

I wonder if there are people who really exist out there that love themselves unconditionally. 100% Every single part, and that have always been that way.

I haven't always been that way. I'm not totally convinced that I am that way now, but life has shown me so many reasons why loving yourself entirely (and unconditionally) is so important.

It's so easy to love yourself when you're looking good. It's easy to love yourself when you notice that you lit up the party. It's easy to love yourself when everything in your life seems to be going well.

It's not easy to love yourself when you can't find the right outfit in a closet full of clothes. It's not easy to love yourself when your phone hasn't rang in a few days. It's not easy to love yourself when you feel like you're trying so hard to do things right and everything seems to be going wrong.

But why? Why do we feel like only under certain circumstances are we deserving of love and acceptance? The truth is, we are all ALWAYS deserving of feeling loved, appreciated and worthy at all points of our lives. Up or down, good or bad.

I had to learn to stop beating myself up when I did something wrong. I had to learn to stop beating myself up when I didn't do something to the best of my abilities. I had to learn to love myself when faced with mistakes I've made in the past.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I came to this conclusion, I am just eternally grateful that I realized it at all...

Even if you vent to someone about absolutely everything, and you tell them how you feel and you describe the ache in your gut when you feel down or in despair.. they might say they understand it, but they will never share that feeling with you. Yes, they might have felt it as well, but when you are feeling it and it is living inside of you, you are alone with it. You have to make peace with it, and you have to be able to pick yourself up to carry on.

I tried a healing exercise that I came across on tiktok and it basically said to envision yourself as a child, and envision the present you walking up to them, picking them up and telling them that everything is going to be okay. Although in the moment, I felt like the childhood me felt safer, it was just a fleeting feeling, and it didn't actually fix any trauma I have buried deep inside of me.

What did resonate with me about this exercise was that, I was the one saving myself. After that, I found myself envisioning hugs, words of encouragement, or giving myself tough love. And I always felt better.

Which brought me to the thought- why do I have to keep saving myself? Why not just walk myself through it while it was happening? I kept picturing a strong, calm version of myself walking me through these difficult times as if this person who accompanied me was a stranger. But it's me.

If I have to picture someone else giving me this unconditional love, it is because subconsciously I understand that I do deserve it and I was no longer willing to allow myself to live another day without it.

Me today:

I am happy. Yes, I still can get sad very easily, but it is not a familiar feeling anymore. I no longer have a home in my sorrows. I know that by loving myself all the time, I do not feel alone, nor is it too hard to pick me right back up if I stumble.

Mistakes are inevitable, and although I understand that they suck, I also understand that it happens, and tomorrow is another day to make something better.

I do not always have 100% to give everyday, and I no longer carry the guilt on for a week. If there is a day when I'm too tired to play, I might give my son a little extra screen time. If there's a night where work kicked my ass and I had to run a million errands, I might just order dinner instead of cooking it and I don't feel like a lazy mom. Cause I love myself on those days, no different than I love myself on the days where I give it my all and don't even break a sweat. If no one else on this planet will love me exactly how I need to be loved, exactly how I require it, the least I can do is give it to myself.

Learning how to have unconditional love for myself (which for me- translates to having patience, compassion for myself, understanding towards myself) has not only allowed me to thrive in different aspects of my life, it has taught me how to be unconditional for the people in my life. It has taught me how to show up for myself, and how to show up for them. It has taught me that although life can get hard- I will not add on to that burden. I will never do it to myself again. And learning how to do this- I will always show unconditional love for the universe.

[eternalmaverick]

Murder by Memories.

Hey, Love.

It's raining outside. As I sit by the window, in the comfort of my room, I open my whatsApp to re-read our old texts. Partly, it's because I still miss you but mostly, it's because to remind myself about why I left and why I should not miss you.

To be honest with you, I compel myself to focus only on the bad parts of our relationship while reading these text messages. Because it has already been hard enough to move on from you, I don't wanna make it more arduous by remembering the good parts. I know that I sound selfish but can you really blame me? I'm just trying my best to do whatever it takes to fix my broken heart. I have not felt like myself since the day I walked away from you. Everything that I do, every thought in my mind, and everywhere that I go reminds me about you. You've been deeply and indelibly entrenched in each and every bit of my life. You have left me with an emptiness inside of me - a void - that can never be filled.

You know that I loved you more than anything in my life and I would have done anything for you. All I ever needed was a sincere effort from you towards healing. You know that I would have stood by your side throughout the whole journey. I would've loved you the same(probably more), regardless of the outcome. I wanted you to try therapy and healing, not for the sake of myself, but for the sake of yourself and your own happiness because I have seen you carry that immense pain, tormenting grief, and agonizing sadness at the core of your heart and I couldn't just sit back and bear witness to you living in such misery. It hurt me more than it hurt you because the pain inflicted upon my heart from the despair of not being able to help the person I love the most is truly indescribable. A real tragedy, to say the least.

Perhaps, In retrospect, I feel like I just didn't know when to give up. Despite everything, I stuck by your side and blindly hoped for a miracle. My heart convinced me that maybe if I love her hard enough, I can take away her pain and sadness. I, desperately, held on to any semblance of hope that one day, everything is gonna work out - you and I, both, are gonna be happy and live the rest of our lives together. This hopeful imagination, as fleeting as it was, has been the happiest dream of my life that never came true. The night I broke up with you, I was lying on my rooftop, looked at the stars with my teary eyes and whispered to myself : "I really wish it didn't have to end this way". That's probably the saddest moment of my life.

Some days are easy and some days are really hard but there's not a single day that goes on without thinking about you. Today's one of those really hard days. Something happened today that reminded me about you, more than the usual. Needless to say, I felt a strange and hollow sensation in my heart. Felt weak and empty. For a moment, I was amazed by the fact that you still have so much power over my heart, after all this time. Makes me question myself - is there something really wrong with me that I love you so much and think about you so much, even if it hurts.

I really needed to get this off my chest. Now, I'm gonna distract myself with life until the next time when your thoughts flood my mind and drown me, again. I hope you're happy, wherever you are. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care, Love.

Miss you.❤

Goodbye.

[benjaminalphabet]

i feel so inhuman lately. so objectified, and i wonder if it’s my fault.

i’m so sick of playing games with men who just don’t give a fuck about me. i’m so sick of being commodified, of being sexualized, of being on other people’s rosters. goddamn, it hurts me. no one ever looks below the surface. i just want to go home, i just want to be cared about. i feel like no one has ever looked at me and seen anything other than something that they can fuck. and god, everyone tries, and i let them because i can’t go home alone. i let them because i hate sleeping by myself. i let them because it gets so cold in my bedroom, and in my head. but my body is a barren wasteland, and i feel so empty. and god, i just want someone to see me as a real person.

i don’t want to wear lingerie anymore. i don’t want to be trapped inside this body that no one can see through. i don’t want to be one of your hoes. i don’t want you to call me when your other plans don’t work out. i don’t want to give you my number. i don’t even want to be the manic pixie dream girl that teaches you how to love again after someone else destroyed your heart. oh, brave wounded soldier let me kiss it all better! fuck this!

i’m so tired of thinking people are so interesting, so smart, so funny, so whatever - only for them to look at me and think that i’m so sexy. or they like how i look in that color, in that lighting,… i am real! i am so much more than miscellaneous body parts. i hate this body! i have worked so hard to disconnect from this body and still, it’s all you can see. i am standing in front of you with my heart in my hands! and i’m not going to give it to you, and you’re not going to reach out and grab it. i am standing in front of you with prose behind my eyes, and all you can see is my tits.

that is so heinous, so ugly. men are so evil. i am so much more than this body i didn’t ask for.

i feel so exhausted with the unavailability of it all. when did we decide it was better to lock all our feelings up in cages, fuck anything that walks, and tell no one we love them? how is it better this way? and i’m so tired of going to bars, and i’m so tired of men asking me if i know this or that band while they come up with ways to sneak into my pants. it’s so empty!! i feel so alone.

the worst part is how complicit i have become in all of it. i do nothing to stop it. i do nothing to try to prove my worth, i adamantly refuse to campaign for myself. i will not waste my breath trying to convince someone who just wants a doll that i am real. i wish so badly i could just be okay with it. i wish so badly that all i wanted was to be a sex symbol, was to be touched. but i’m so nonchalant you would never know how bad it hurts, or how pushed aside i feel. and if my facade cracks, i’ll just tank the whole thing. i’ll just tell myself you never wanted me enough times until i convince myself that i never wanted you either.

i don’t understand how my friends seem so okay with it. i don’t understand how my beautiful, loving, complicated and multifaceted friends can seem so unbothered by being so unnoticed. never forming connections, never getting used to anyone, never asking questions if the answers mean anything at all. how is this better? i go out with my friends and watch them take home men that will never give a shit about anything about them, and i do the same thing and we pretend it’s so fun? we get drunk, and we dance and smile all night, and no one ever admits to how violent this routine really is. every single morning i wake up feeling so sick with myself. how do i keep letting these people touch me? is it worse than isolation? is it healthy? is that possible? have i really fallen so out of touch with my own sense of worth that this is what i’m fucking doing? i’m fucking nauseous.

it is so easy to have sex. it is so easy to pretend that’s all you want. men love a machine. men love when you can make them laugh, and then shut the fuck up, and swallow it all. your words, your feelings, your moral compass, and anything else they can get in your mouth. men love when you love to be left. i do not love to be left! i do not love to be left!

please please please treat me like i’m real.

please please please treat me like i am more than a body.

[excedrinpm]

Every time I learn more abt illnesses / sicknesses it’s like I gain forbidden knowledge.

Like I work with animals so it’s good to know about them but also my OCD now convinces me I am actively dying every single time I don’t feel 100% normal.

Space out a little bit? Dying. Head hurties a little bit? Dying. Back hurts? Dying. Tummy hurts? Dying. Got a little cut/bruise? Dying. Heart beating? Dying

The issue is I have chronic joint problems & fatigue so like… over the past year I’ve just convinced myself that I’m dying all the time. It was really bad in February - I wound up going to urgent care multiple times about it and I thought it was getting better, but I’ve realized it’s just because my boyfriend is there. I live by myself and I FREAK OUT if I feel just a little bit off because I convince myself that I’m fucking dying or I’m going to have to go to the hospital, but when another person is there I can relax bc if something does happen they’ll be able to help.

But when I’m alone? It’s still really really bad. And I feel awful knowing that I’m relying on him like that. I’m afraid to tell him because I don’t want to guilt trip him into coming over all the time but I think he knows because every time he spends the night at his own place I keep texting him about how I can’t sleep I’m anxious I’m panicking I’m freaking out etc. it’s especially bad bc he travels for work and I feel so so awful that he has to worry about me while he’s away.

I just want to be “normal” again. I want to be able to go home and enjoy my evening and not fucking panic all the time. I want to be able to have a headache or joint pain and not think I’m dying. It makes everything so so hard it’s part of why I sleep so much because my only thing every time is just “try to go to bed and sleep it off so I don’t have a full blown panic attack”. I don’t know what to do anymore, I had an anxiety medication prescribed to me but it made me even MORE anxious and I was having sleep paralysis every night. I want to be able to go one week without having a panic attack or sleep paralysis, and all the doctors say is “you’re too stressed” fucking actually help me please I don’t know how to not be this stressed. I have a fucking anxiety disorder telling me to calm down, charging me $300, and sending me home does nothing but make me feel even worse.

I just had got a handle of my OCD and it fucking changed. I feel like my brain is systematically figuring out ways to make my life unbearable and any doctor I go to is just pointing and laughing. I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel like panic is just going to be a daily part of my life forever.

Please please please god make it fucking stop

[randadrives]

A Year in Review

It has officially been an entire year since the last shift I worked in law enforcement. That means it has also been a year since I moved out of a house, rid myself of most of my belongings, and moved completely into my new (to me) travel trailer. I had many moments in time this past year that I would stop, breathe in, and marvel at where my decision-making has brought me. I could not have predicted the paths I would take up to this point. I reflect often to help keep myself grounded. Today I want to reflect specifically on how life has improved and in what capacities. I wasn’t sure how I would summarize the things I have gained this past year, so I’m winging it. Most of what I’ve gained in this year is interconnected in some way: a sense of adventure, independence, human connection, new experiences, a decrease in stress, better sleep, knowledge from making mistakes. I believe I couldn’t have one of these things without the others.

Disclaimer: As many of my close friends and family are aware, the first two months of this lifestyle change were difficult for me. This was mainly due to my own negative attitude, but looking back and granting myself some grace, I was going through a lot at the time. We will call that my “transitional period.”

The most difficult part in the beginning of a big lifestyle change isn’t the actual execution, but convincing yourself that you are capable. I’m a big proponent of exposure therapy. Don’t feel like you can do something? You won’t know until you try. Are you really bad at something? Doing it more will probably help. Don’t have the knowledge to do something? Surround yourself with podcasts, books, articles, Facebook groups, and YouTube videos on the subject. Doing things independently was not an natural task for me in the beginning, because up until that point I’d be in group situations my entire life. I did almost nothing alone in my jobs as an adult, and all the sudden I was doing literally everything alone. I had the choice to hide in my trailer all day every day, or embrace being my own best friend. I forced myself to drive to states I had never seen. I had everything I needed between my travel trailer and truck, so that eased my anxiety for the most part. Then when I’d get there, I would make myself do the things I thought were interesting. Look at landmarks, national historic sites, go to museums, eat local cuisine. I’d make myself hike alone in environments I’d never experienced before. It was terrifying to think about. I would over prepare, which isn’t a bad thing! I had downloaded offline maps, I would share my location with at least 3 friends, carry a GPS satellite device, a bag full of tools I might need if things went wrong, and beforehand I would research every predator in the area, so I knew what to do if attacked (honestly I don’t suggest this one . . .). It was uncomfortable. But I never regretted a single moment. I would be scared until I started, then the fear would drop, and I couldn’t imagine anything I’d rather be doing. I started gaining confidence in my choices and movements. I was feeling more like the independent person I so desired to be. I was slowly letting go of the fear of missing out, because I was not waiting on anyone to do the things I wanted to do. My wants were shifting as well. The thought of a night out in Pittsburgh repulses me now, but 25-year-old me would have thought a 6 mile hike in the desert or the mountains would be daunting and she would be incapable. I wish I could say my brain has shut off all my “worst case scenario” ways of thinking, but some things take time to change – or don’t change at all. Realistically, as long as I don’t let that get in my way of enjoying things anymore, I call it a win. I have gone from being afraid to be alone, to cherishing my solitude. Going solo has spoiled me, giving me the ability to do things at my own speed and budget.

      Learning how to do things alone leads me to so many new experiences, as well as the ability to find and feel joy in everyday life. Nights at a dive bar after a 3-11 shift turned into nights of stargazing. All the sudden the sky, and what it was doing at any particular time, became very important to me.  I had time to keep track of the moon phases and start learning constellations like when I was a child. I was able to catch meteor showers and super moons. Sunrise hikes were my favorite way to avoid doing activities in the heat of the afternoon, and having a drink at sunset with friends or dogs was exhilarating. One evening in Tucson, I was doing just that: Sitting in my favorite chair with one of my favorite people and my dog, surrounded by Ironwood trees and globemallows, enjoying a seltzer with sunset views; all the sudden, what looked to be a rocket in the distance appeared over the mountain range, and we unexpectedly were enjoying a fantastic seat for a SpaceX launch from 500 miles away in California.

This past year I’ve pursued experiencing all of what the U.S. has to offer by taking advantage of National Parks and state parks. These areas are a great testament to the diverse geographical features of the land, as well as preserving nature and history. I value living in the moment now. When I see a plant that is interesting to me, I find out what it is. I rely heavily on my Merlin app to keep track of the birds I see and hear. I have time and the conscience to actually stop and observe my surroundings, to breathe. I hate to admit before the lifestyle change, these things were difficult for me to do. I was too wrapped up in the stress of my life, in work, in my phone and my notifications all day long. That’s one thing I noticed early on about hiking, as well as driving long distance, was I enjoyed the trails and sections of road where I had no service because not a single notification would get in the way of me being present. I was addicted to the convenient distraction. Now when I visit friends, I notice more how badly we are all addicted and absorbed in our screens. I’m still working actively on the effort it takes to put it down. Unplugging more frequently, letting go of mindlessly scrolling, had great benefits on my mental health.

A huge part of being in the moment for me was cutting back on alcohol. I will keep that topic short, but I rarely drink now, which means I rarely miss out on things I want to do due to being hungover. I remember more of what I’m experiencing because I’m not drinking. I will not lecture anyone on why alcohol is evil, and I’ll have the occasional beverage, but there was everything to gain from not drinking the way I was before.

Traveling the road solo had me concerned that I would miss connection, had me thinking I would have to learn to live in loneliness. If anything, I believe travel has led me to more genuine human connections. Meeting other travelers, nomads, and even locals opened my mind to alternative styles of living you won’t run into often staying in the northeast. I have made friends with other work campers and with people who have retired early and adventure full-time in their vehicles. The conversations are different with people who live so intentionally. I don’t think “small talk” exists in this type of life! At one point I was making an income pet sitting and dog walking. I was at Dead Horse Point State Park, dog sitting for a wedding officiant who ran her own business. Another business owner, the photographer of the wedding, stopped and looked at us both and said something to the effect of “I just think it’s so cool that the three of us don’t even know each other but are standing at such an amazing spot in the country, making money our own ways.” Sharing that moment with these two women was fantastic. I think back to another moment, a night I had decided to take myself out for dinner. Being solo, I tend to sit at bars so as not to take up an entire table. The bar I happened to be sitting at was FULL of other solo travelers, and we all spent the next hour eating together and swapping stories of where we had just come from, and where we were headed next. Recently I was able to meet a person I met through Instagram all the way in California for a concert (apparently that’s not just for influencers). Connection has a different meaning for me after this year than it did before.

Above all, my biggest gain has been learning to let go of the constant need to accomplish goals or to be achieving tasks. I have learned that not every single day is meant for self-improvement. It is permissible to just exist some days. I’m not sure how I consistently worked 16 hour days at one point in time. I was not living, just surviving. At the time, I was so grateful to live that way. Now I would be pissed if I still felt like it was necessary for me to do that, to work my life away. I feel sorry sometimes for the woman I was in my 20’s, forever the people-pleaser. There is a freedom I have gained. There is not an exact moment I can pinpoint that my attitude changed, but I don’t think it happens that way. It is a buildup. It’s one too many injuries, just a bit too much stress, it’s not enough time to balance everything deemed important. It required a lot for me to say I was done and walk away from everything I felt I was responsible for.

Honorable mention: I learned how to ask for help. I cringe just typing it, but there it is. If I didn’t have the ability to do that, I wouldn’t have been able to do any renovations to my trailer, or to even back it into a spot half the time. Here’s a shout out to every random old man I made feel like it was my first time towing, every single time.

As I reflect, I wish I could bottle up this feeling and gift it to everyone I care about. It was not an easy year, but that’s what I loved about it most. If it were easy, I would not have gained so much. I hope everyone has the opportunity to try something that makes them uncomfortable, and I hope having that courage leads them to experiences they never imagined. But . . . maybe I’m just a weirdo who likes “type B” fun.

[yeah-they-call-me-d]

today, i have been thinking a lot about if that first night would have went different. what if you hugged me? what if you held my hand? what if you kissed me? would i have felt your love, or is it my naivety speaking?

in my head i had this thought that you loved me, but it was far less than that. you didn’t love me. the saddest part is that i was in love with you. i tried so hard for so long to have love reciprocated, but it was always about having the “worse” thing for you. honestly, i was fucked up before, but always competing for last place against terrible people made me think i was more awful. i think for a very long time i embraced that i was awful. l am slowly learning, through extensive therapy, i am a genuinely good person. i made very poor decisions, i acted rashly on a lot of things. i fell in love with someone who told me multiple times i just wasn’t it. i sat around 6 years ago waiting like a sick animal for the small gestures. they came, but far too late. i had already convinced myself that i did not win against the a***’s and the p******’s of your world. that may have been the smartest decision i ever made. i don’t win to them. you may not love them, but you are forever drawn to them. you’re a moth to their flame and i forever dimly burn in a distance too far to feel the heat, too far to see the embers. i am a different person than i was 10 years ago. that makes me sad. i don’t know when my life flipped upside down. it wasn’t your fault, but you were the vehicle i tried to escape with. i clung to you for the hope of feeling less alone. little did i know, that vehicle drove straight into a wall. i think i fell in love with you because i felt a lot of similar energy in the way you spoke. that may sound narcissistic, but i felt fully seen with you. the problem is, being seen and despite all of that, continuing to watch you give the attention that i so desperately needed from you to other people made me feel so small. it has always been like this. i always tried to hold my past relations close to the vest because i did not want to hurt you. then you consistently told me things about the people you’ve fucked around with. do You really wonder why the tables flipped and i threw every single person i had slept with, dated, saw naked, etc down your throat? i was so incredibly hurt by you. i was going out, but by god i was going to go out swinging. you can have the p******’s and a***’s, if that makes you happy. that was never my problem with it. my problem always was, We could have been so good for each other. you balance me out in ways that i haven’t ever experienced. the problem with you has you have always been one foot in the door but you never come in. you keep the door open, but you never let it shut. whether you are on the inside or the outside, at this point i don’t know if i prefer either or. they both hurt in a different way. if you come in and close off the rest of the world, i have to face every shitty thing i have done. i have to 100% come clean to what i have done to wrong you. i am okay with pulling the ground from underneath my own feet. i am okay with admitting my faults, taking the accountability in the situations i have created. i am fully aware i have done bad things. whenever i do bad things though, it always seems to stem from trying to catch you. you don’t want to be caught, and you especially do not want to be caught by me. the other side is you completely close the door. sure, i probably will move on, i’ll find someone i can build a life around. the problem in that is my hearts never going to fully be in it. i will always long for you, but again, you have never wanted me.

i have really thought about the fact that we were “never together” in your eyes. i look at all the things that happened, and i genuinely wonder how you could have ever thought that. i was going to introduce you to my family. i was going to come out to them with you. i was so sure of you. i brought you into my friend group, that at the time was so closely knit. i loved those people so much and they opened their arms so wide to you. you got mad at me for the brief period we spoke with each other for calling it a situationship, but what else was it if not that. i thought it was more than it was, but you were only in it because you were physically in it. you weren’t in it for loving me, the situation was pushed upon you and you rolled with it. i don’t fault you for that. i just wish you would have stopped me and said “we aren’t together, you know that right”. i went so long feeling so slighted by you, feeling so abandoned and unworthy of love. the more i reflect on this the more i realize that being in love with you has been one of the most mentally trying experiences i have been through. i guess that speaks volumes on i haven’t faced much emotional hardship, trauma, etc. but it really has hit a core piece of me. that piece is so fractured from all the push and pull. Why couldn’t you just say you loved me? Why did it always have to be this push and pull? Why was it always me fighting for you? When in any of this were you planning to fight for me? you never loved me. you never cared. i am starting to really genuinely believe that you are incapable of loving someone. for someone like me, who wears their heart on their sleeve, it is so emotionally damaging. i have always gone into anything with you willing to give you all i have to give. you may have thought you did the same, but i was always on the sidelines fighting to play the game. you had written me off so early on. i think you only ever really wanted me because you were scared of losing the person who fought so blindly for you. you didn’t want anything from me until i was leaving. that hurt so fucking badly. i deserved to be your number one, maybe that’s my ego speaking, but i genuinely gave you every piece of me. i opened up to you completely. i told you all the dark pieces. i realize now, i will never give that to any relationship i am in. i feel like the problem in 99% of the shitty things that happen. you pointed the spotlight on all my insecurities and made me feel like even with them, you enjoyed me.

the worst part of all of this, is that i still am in love with you. i still miss you. i say i wouldn’t but i would put the same effort for you. i would land on my face again. there is no keeping my feet beneath me when it comes to you. i fall so hard, every single time. the problem is, despite me falling, you have never been there to catch me. you watch me fall and continue to walk away from me. you see me catch back up to you, just to fall and for you to walk away. the only time you turned back was when i got up and turned around. you have only ever wanted me when i turned my back to you. when i did what you had done to me repeatedly for so long.

i don’t know how to feel anymore. i crave you back in my life. i fear for what you coming back means. i don’t know if i am strong enough to handle what comes from you leaving again. you have left me behind so many times that i don’t even know if i would trust you enough to believe you would stay. i don’t think you ever would stay.

[newmusicradionetwork]

King Falcon Drop Revved Up Single/Video “Cadillac”

New York rock outfit King Falcon have released their new song ‘Cadillac’ on Mascot Records. Melding indie-rock adventurousness with Classic Rock swagger, King Falcon’s ultra-catchy songwriting recalls artists like Black Keys, Cage The Elephant, Tame Impala, The Killers, Royal Blood, and Beck. ‘Cadillac’ was produced by Marshall Altman (Citizen Cope, Matt Nathanson, Kenny Wayne Shepherd, Mark Broussard) and mixed by 12-time Grammy-nominated mixing engineer and producer Mark Needham (The Killers, Imagine Dragons, Fleetwood Mac, The Airborne Toxic Event). The song is brimming with earworm-worthy guitar riffage, a soaring chorus, soulfully melodic lead vocals, and vibrant indie-rock atmospherics. In talking about the genesis of “Cadillac’, King Falcon’s Michael Rubin says “My best friend has had this 1957 Cadillac Eldorado parked in his garage for as long as I’ve known him. Every single time that we saw each other, I would   pester him about trying to get it started so we could take it for a joyride. The car hadn’t moved in years – but it wasn’t in bad shape or anything, it had just atrophied as all mechanical things tend to do when they sit around unused and unloved”.  He continues “One day I decided to take matters into my own hands. I showed up at his house with a couple of tools and a can of starter fluid and before you know it, we were cruisin’ down the boulevard in this unregistered Cadillac with 40 year old tires. Totally unsafe and illegal, but it was the single most fun I have ever had riding in a car. That old Caddy turns WAY more heads than any new Lamborghini or Ferrari!  The second I heard the engine roar to life I knew that this was a special moment that I wanted to write about. The song came together after about 8 days of sitting in front of my computer screen listening to the bass part on loop (much to the chagrin of my neighbors). I felt that the song had to embody the coolness of the moment but also the excitement and danger of driving around in a 5000 pound car with crappy brakes and no license plates”. The “Cadillac” video snapshots an actual Ferris Bueller-like joyride with his buddy’s red, rare bird 1957 Eldorado Cadillac. Rubin continues “I got to drive this beauty with no brakes, no plates, and a flat tire—everybody, including the cops, waved as I cruised this spaceship around the neighborhood. It broke down twice while we were filming, and we had to push that two and a half ton beast uphill on a gravel road. I now have a chronic injury from doing that – as a reminder of an experience I will never forget. We were able to mix in some cool animation to enhance the storyline of the video, we hope everyone enjoys it!” Michael Rubin is the creative driving force behind King Falcon, but drummer and sometimes recording engineer James Terranova is essential to the band’s spirit. His fastidious, plan-ahead persona is the perfect counterpoint to Michael’s freewheeling personality, and the pair have an old-married-couple kind of connection. “I would take a bullet for him, but I may also be that person to shoot him,” Michael jokes. Up until now, King Falcon has been a guitar and drums duo, but the twosome is welcoming drummer Tom Diognardi and moving James to bass. In 2020, the duo released the funky and infectiously catchy single, “Shake! Shake! Shake!” However, the pandemic cleared King Falcon’s calendar before it even got a chance to play a show. The guys made the most of the situation by sending the unreleased song, “When The Party Is Over,” out to labels. “That song represented me trying to convince my parents, and myself, that I could get somewhere playing guitar,” Michael says. The song turned out to be aces for the band – they emailed the song to Mascot, and the next day was awarded with a recording contract. “When The Party Is Over” is an irresistible, moody mid-tempo rocker teeming with ear worm melodies. The song explores lonely New York late-night living with gritty candor, and it comes alive via a darkly alluring video. “We got chased through the park by a crazed man with a knife while making the song’s video,” Michael remembers. King Falcon has resumed its pre-pandemic plans of playing its first live shows and touring. “It took two and a half years to get here,” Michael says, pausing thoughtfully. “If you asked me when I first got my guitar if we would get a label and be where we are today, I would have said, ‘oh yeah, no problem,’ but I’ve learned the reality of it all isn’t that simple. It is amazing to be where we are today, but it was definitely a challenging journey.”  The band is set to start a 2 month residency at the famed Bowery Electric in NYC, with tour dates being booked for the summer and plans to release additional music later this year. Connect and Share with King Falcon Official website / TikTok / Instagram / Facebook / Twitter / Youtube Read the full article

[frosnpls]

cw rhory (and suicide) talk again and general mental health talk

following on from that post yesterday i do definitely need therapy because as much as i convince myself ive healed (and to be fair i have, his death may have been traumatic but its incredible how quickly you realise you were being abused when youre... not being abused anymore) i do sometimes miss him and i hate it. ill see things like accounts from others who've lost people to suicide and it triggers that deep emptiness i felt when he first died despite the fact that he essentially ruined the first few years of my adult life

part of me wishes id never even met him but then i dont know if i would be as close to the friends i have now without him having been there (most of them anyway, if we pretend he didnt have one my best friends blocked because he would get jealous of how much fun i had speaking to her) and i also think he would have. died a lot sooner if i hadnt met him. his brother in law once told me it seemed like id afforded them two more years with him alive and i think it was meant to be grateful but in a way it was just upsetting because it made me feel guilty for all the times i had wished i didn't know him. it felt like i couldnt even afford a theoretical past version of myself that release. i know ultimately his death wasn't my fault and in fact i actively prevented it for a long time but it always always feels like i should have done something else. i feel like i shouldve told his brother that he was actively suicidal again but id come to his brother about it so many times that i think he just didnt think anything of it anymore.

and like despite how much i suffered through everything i dealt with with him i. do miss how we were sometimes. not him specifically, but the relationship we had when it was good. sometimes it upsets me that i cant even remember most of the positive times despite there being so many of them for the first two years we knew each other. sometimes i catch a glimpse of the tattoo on my arm when im getting out of the shower. the tattoo of one of his drawings, one of the only ones i managed to save when he deleted every single message he'd ever sent me. and sometimes it makes me feel like shit because i have this constant reminder of the boy who abused me emblazoned on my body, and nobody's first tattoo at the age of 21 should be a memorial to their boyfriend who killed himself, and it just makes me feel like shit because under everything else i really did love him and thats why i never walked away. thats why i didnt give up on him even when i started realising how damaging it all was for me. i loved him so much and i fucking hate saying it because logically i shouldnt have. its. a lot and its so complicated and nobody but me ever, ever saw it because he masked it around other people or would just dm me instead of saying anything out loud, and i could only tell people very nervously in private and i never had a way of proving it.

i think the hardest part is that my aocial circle now is almost exactly the same as it was when he was in it. all of our friends mourned that loss just the same. some of them know about the abuse now, but most of them don't, and the grief they will occasionally express (though never directly around me, which i appreciate) is so plain and easily explained and i almost feel jealous that i can't grieve the way they can. without any of the complicating factors. and that sounds so horrible but i wish my feelings about him were just SIMPLE.

i have a floater in my left eye. when i was with him, i developed stress stims. i would bash my hand against my head or bash my head against the corner of my desk. floaters are caused by head trauma. im consistently reminded of what that time was like every time i move my left eye in the right lighting.

i remember one particularly bad night where i cried for four hours straight because he just refused to talk to me like a normal person, blamed me for everything that was happening between us and told me to leave him alone and never speak to him again. i knew if i agreed to that he would kill himself as soon as he could. i knew i was the only thing keeping him alive, and that he resented me for that. i used to get acne on my nose and sleeve burns on my eyelids from crying so often and for so long each time.

it was fucking horrendous and i can't even vent to anyone because most of them grieved his death too. we don't even say his name - if he comes up it's always "you know" or "someone else, you know who i mean". so i think i... should really do a proper therapist hunt.

[in-decisivo]

sparks fly

we said sparks fly back in 2016, my memory will never falter what i feel that night in megamall with arielle and janina even when you heavily teased me to a point i needed to pinch you so hard i love doing karaoke w u, makes me woner why we never do it alone

i think of all the times i was gushing about you, remembering your face and just smile because i cant help it; you to me is my safe space when i think of you it felt like home, it feels like breathing and im reminded that everything is going to be alright

i really adore u so much u dont even know it

but how fast sparks fly, can sparks can stay a bit longer so we retain this familiar and light atmosphere between us? how did u know my sparks went off? (honestly asking u)

to me; & this is im certain is that night of 2020 in october when i actually have to convince myself that youre not actually drifting away from me; when i have to also convince myself repeatedly that it will be alright if i show myself to u and it will not hurt and it does until this day, to change parts of me bcause you wouldnt like it - admittedly there r but it was a big leap

honestly i cant remember all the little things we fought about but i know from what i felt u pull back every single time and parts of me needed to be scratched or bruised to mend what happened; a its sad to be reminded everytime of what every little thing i ever did to you everytime -

learning about your online nuances on Twitter i think thats when things shifted for me, trust / trust issues could only be the thing thats making my walls standing - i was in a place where i felt so insecure about the way you present yourself to people you just knew, and it was never clear to me- your words could simply mean nothing but your actions takes a lot of space in my head during those time;

i dont trust the rest of the world but you

only you will make or break it

maybe I didnt trust you enough

but trust is actually a big thing for me

youve seen me hurt before youve seen me struggle all these years even were just friends at school even before then being friends with me needed to have a solid foundation on trust alone

somehow thats slowly creeping away i second guess myself now i doubt myself most of the time i lean into you bcos my confidence is not so great anymore

in times of uncertainty you were the one i run too and in time i dont know how to actually trust myself on most things

because of u

u stopped acting on our nuances so i never forget how you:

*make a video greeting messages every new year; you did this for two years only

*stopped making round trips at cubao manhattan area bcos you said you were tired

*you wake up so late you dont even greet me good morning for so long but i understand youre not a morning person but there are so many days you just dont even bother

*my hyper fixation to Starbucks could be a bad thing to you and has brought it up so many times and drove me off to actually disliking it

*the things we do are not relatively inclined but when I learned how to be a homebody you suddenly resist the idea why i haven't asked u out for so long - while I thought it was a nice feeling just spending my days with u

*everytime you want to go with that group of friends u somehow conceal half of everything then leave me wondering who are these people u r going out with

*you stopped flirting with me in public; stopped holding my hands; stopped doing sneaky kisses; you stopped clinging to me like the way it was

*it feels bad when i feel like you are just obliged to do the things to make me happy when in fact u r not a fan of the things i do

cont…

maybe that's how my sparks went off