#like not every relationship - platonic or romantic - is gonna be clear cut or 'typical'

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Sometimes I feel that Barnaby and Wally have this friendship like big bro/Lil bro, and Howdy being Barnabys bf has to put up with a lot of Wallys shenanigans for Barnaby (doesn't mind cause he also adores Wally I'm a big bro way)

i view them (as a trio) Similarly! though a little to the Left cause i don't view Barnaby & Wally's relationship as big/lil bro. rn to me they're very close friends - borderline queerplatonic! like... Wally is Barnaby's special little guy, yk?

so in my mind, in this trio, Wally's not exactly a. uh. third wheel to Barnaby/Howdy i suppose? oh this is difficult to translate into words - he's part of the relationship without being Part of it if that makes any sense? like of course he's gonna be With them a lot. Barnaby's not gonna be like "ok go do something else so i can make doe eyes at Howdy". that's his Little Buddy. they're gonna Include him as much as possible, i'd imagine. and i doubt Wally would mind being around while they flirt chat. he'd probably love being Barnaby's "wingman"

[ranboo5]

whats 'the clip' and knifetrick?

Augh. Under the cut for shipping discourse and p/dophilia ment (nothing graphic or specific). Gets long bc I discuss my thoughts on DSMP shipping in general. You are setting me up fr anon

Some quick vocab -

intimacy here is used to refer to. Well. Any kind of intimacy between characters, of any sort, as an umbrella term /r, /p, and /qp here are used as shorteners to denote "romantic," "platonic," and "queerplatonic," both as adjectives And as verbs ("to /r" = "to portray romantically") shipping here is used to refer to any focused examination of intimacy between characters

And some clarity that Should follow from the essay next but may not - """anti-antis"""" and RPF writers delete forever

The Clip is from one of if not the? most recent Discord stage(s) Mr Live has done (which I missed when it was live RIP) wherein he issues a hard ban on shipping him ("do not ship me, in any way, with anyone!") which would less influence c!beeduo (which has been portrayed/stated to be romantic AND nonromantic both conflictingly for a while until being confirmed unconfirmed several months ago, that being the last was heard) without its direct invocation if he hadn't also cited for the reason as being underage ("'Cause, one, it's straight up pedophilia") which is! a) immediately applicable to At Least his DSMP character, Partially and b) while not Strictly True (should b obvious that portraying a relationship within the bounds of what it is in canon and in a nonsexual way is not That, and /r-ing c!beeduo etc was possible to do Appropriately again by remaining w/in the bounds of canon) is Clearly Indicative of the fact that baggage-wise it IS associated with people being fucking creeps

This Really complicates things bc like okay the apparent solution is "lol just don't /r it" but it's really like. A Worse issue than that bc like.

Okay the reason shipping in terms of fictional characters is a Different Bar is bc it's an examination of Intimacy and certain lines exist in certain dynamics of intimacy that Isn't Shown (which is the whole Within The Bounds Of Canon thing) which is important in a medium like DSMP because of the smaller gap + more personal relationship b/w character and streamer. Examining intimacy beyond th bounds of the consent that has been established in that regard is Weird at best and Violating And Creepy more often and, As Mentioned In Ranb's Stage, Literally Evil at worst

Which is why writing abt like. QPR or platonically intimate Techno and Philza (characters) is smth that is fine because that's smth that has been shown and repeatedly stated onscreen; it's in the bounds of canon n thus within th bounds of what the streamers've consented 2 be done with their characters. But writing T3chza making out or whatever is fucked up because it's smth that's beyond those consent barriers

And the thing is right

Slapping a /p on T3chza makeout doesn't. Make it less violating

Like what you CALL romantic is not the measure or whether it's past those barriers yk? And if it's indistinguishable, if it's in extrapolative territory that is Past The Bounds, it Does Not Matter how much you /p it EVEN IF IT IS TECHNICALLY PLATONIC y feel? Like at the end of the day placing a moratorium on some/all forms of shipping is placing a moratorium on certain examinings of intimacy

And okay 2 go back to Mr Live and his character. What it implies taken in context w/ older portrayals of c!beeduo and said by invoking smth that both evokes Really fucked up baggage (that does unfortunately exist btw I'm sorry if you didn't know that but People Really Do B Fucked Up Abt Beeduo) AND applies to his character is a revocation of consent to examining deep intimacies:tm: with his character, which is gonna apply regardless of the nature of that intimacy (even if nonromantic)

Like I don't /r c!beeduo myself, do not, never have, but I talk to people who have and have consumed content where they r background /r; I also don't think it matters. Like I don't Actively /r it and I don't Actively Not /r it because imho w/ the intimacy regarding c!beeduo that is plot relevant and character important whether that intimacy is /p /qp or /r doesn't really matter. I don't consider myself Less of a c!beeduo shipper than someone who /rs them because that would be dumb as hell and while none of the content I've made* is Intrinsically or Intentionally /r it certainly can be read tht way as much as it can be read /qp or /p. It's be dumb and hypocritical of me to like, dunk on ppl for /r-ing c!beeduo when I'm also invested in these two and my tonetags r not gonna suddenly Delete the picking apart I've done of the dynamic @ hand

Which Has Been. Within Bounds Of Canon. It's been what's been shown (sometimes to my great distress. There is a reason that the :canon_beeduo: emote looks the way it does) Directly Onscreen and in general keeping with the tone n intensity/directions of what they've Done With The Characters

HOWEVER

As mentioned up there. Revocation of consent

It makes. Full sense 2 me that Mr Live wants to place a moratorium or fullon ban on shipping his characters perhaps where he wouldn't have before because of the Unfortunately Very Extant trends of people being Fucking Weird about shipping his characters AND of using them as a Thinly Veiled Excuse to ship HIM, which. I should not have to explain why shipping real people is fucking abhorrent

THIS creates a problem which is a. Bit of a vacuum in interacting with what is a facet of c!Ranboo's arc, decision making, and character. Like you CAN have c!Ranboo w/o cbeeduo but you Can't Really have his plotline without examining c!beeduo. And as I mentioned earlier: even if your examination of c!beeduo is fully platonic, the significance of it To the plotline means that any examination of it and its relevance to the plotline and characters IS gonna be an examination of intimacy, which. Regardless of it's platonic, Is Still Shipping

Unless some HARD retconning happens it leaves this like. Hole in an aspect of c!Ranboo's arc and decisionmaking and it's very. Uncertain? God. Fucking months ago I was already kind of :huh. Does he know what the fuck he's doing: irt c!beeduo and desperately wishing for things to be cleared up and now it's only That Much Stronger

NOW. KNIFETRICK, FINALLY

Knifetrick (or, as it’s actually listed, Bishop’s Knife Trick) is a fic about "Ran and Jackie from The Pit TFTSMP" in a "canon-typical ambiguously romantic relationship." As you can tell from the scare quotes, especially if you've seen me vague, both of these are, to put it politely, Doubtful. I've read the fic; I will not be sharing my opinions because that would be neither productive nor responsible (I will just say I can't recommend it and leave it at that) but I WILL say the following that Is relevant to the conversation:

Ran's and Jackie's characterizations respectively have very little to do with characterizations from The Pit, and bear a dollar-store-version resemblance to tropes and personality motifs found in ESPECIALLY fanon c!beeduo, especially later in the fic. I would not go so far as to say they are Intentionally Literally Ranboo and Tubbo but they are transparent expies and were clearly written at LEAST unintentionally w/ c!beeduo in mind (esp since. Ran and Jackie barely interacted in The Pit), and for a readerbase that, as far as I can tell, is HUGELY dominated by /r c!beeduo shippers. Like. Sorry. This is off-brand c!beeduo.

The dynamic between the two is pretty unambiguously romantic, also; despite what the fic's white knights claim, romantic tropes and implications/motifs/imagery from at LEAST chapter two, and is very much explicitly romantic by the most recent chapter.

FROM CH1:

"And now, with raised eyebrows and a pursed lip, the newly named General Jackie observes Ran in such a way that makes the enderman’s skin crawl. Ran reminds himself that this kid, as short and harmless as he may look, is trained to kill. [...] Jackie narrows his eyes and tilts his head a little, as if he’s trying to read in between every one of Ran’s imperfect scales."

FROM CH2:

"It makes Ran’s skin itch with discomfort. [...] 'That actually doesn’t explain much of anything at all,' complains Jackie, and he pops a few croutons into his mouth with one hand. 'Tell me what you’re thinking, pretty-boy.'

"Ran feels his face flush, no doubt mildly glowing green.

"Yes, that was the other thing. The unnecessary compliments to his physical appearance.

"They don’t happen very often, and don’t seem to have very much meaning or intention behind them— Jackie often speaks like an unthinking kid— but when they do happen… they’re embarrassing. [...] It’s annoying how the rug is pulled out from under his feet in these moments when he’s 'embarrassed'. Like the conversation see-saw has temporarily shifted weight in the general’s favor."

I am not going to include excerpts from Chapter 6 because it's just the entire chapter.

I WILL SAY, HOWEVER, STEPPING ON THIS SCORPION BEFORE IT STINGS: they are not written in an RPFy manner and I don't think there's any grounds, including Vibes, of accusing Knifetrick of being like. Closet truthing or whatever. Also, while I think there's certainly Some Weirdness ESPECIALLY around the reaction, the romance itself is Not written in any way I'd call weird or problematic pre-clip; it's nothing inappropriate or like Weirdly Fetishy or whatever. Knifetrick is not #problematic or anything and I don't have beef with like the concept of liking it intrinsically; if I thought it was like. Abhorrent I wouldn't be sharing excerpts lmao dhjfnhdsbvdnfjh. Hence: if anyone uses this post or anyth like it to send harassment or bad faith ANYTHING to anyone involved with Knifetrick I will hunt you down in the fucking night even if it WAS #problematic that'd be the LITERAL OPPOSITE of productive and as it stands it's Literally Not. Essentially: Knifetrick is a (questionably-written /mean) fic using Ran and Jackie from The Pit as a vessel for a large chunk of the dynamics and headcanons of fanon /r c!beeduo in particular

And again, I would not call it problematic in any way (aside from the disingenuity of the insistence that it's TOTALLY UNRELATED TO BEEDUO and TOOOTALLY WASN'T INTENDED TO BE ROMANTIC GUYS like own your shit please)... IF it weren't for the advent of The Clip, which is calling in2 question the Entirety of the problem of /r-ing any variant of c!beeduo or any of Ranboo's characters at all

I really do not have an answer for this tbh. I genuinely wanna hear from the streamer on this more specifically because I like,,, I got no clue where 2 go from here? Do I just consider an arc retconned? Was it an issue of speaking abt a troubling subject kneejerk wise and I'm reading too much in2 it?

I just. I dunno

Tl;dr (AT LONG LAST)

- The Clip is a clip of a Discord stage where Ranboo (streamer) loudly explicitly decried shipping in a way that implicitly applies to characters he plays - This would be all well and good but is rendered complicated by the plot relevance of c!beeduo, which does not stop being shipping if it's /p'd due to it still necessarily being an examination of a particular intimacy in a way that is in canon hard to distinguish the /p, /qp, or /r nature of - Bishop's Knife Trick is an AO3 fic centered around using TFTSMP characters as /r c!beeduo expies which is not a bad thing in and of itself unless it also is covered under this moratorium - Things remain unclear until and unless we get clearer word from streamer, but considering Mr Live seems to be allergic to clarifying anything abt c!beeduo this is doubtful

*very little if any of the content I personally have made 4 c!beeduo has been posted publicly, for related reasons. You May have seen it if you're in servers w/ me, depending on Which Ones

[redsplash1]

Alright y’all, I was bored and wanted to ignore my hw, so I made a tier list on everyone’s lore and a quick writeup for each placement. Just an fyi this is my opinion and will most likely change as we get more story content, but right now this is where I stand (no arguing please, or at least nothing that’ll result in name calling and such)

But yeah this is something I’ll probably look back on and be like “hmm maybe I was too harsh with my rankings” but rn it’s like 2:30 in the morning so yeah

TW: mention of abuse in Octane’s section

All of it will be under the cut

S Tier

Bloodhound: Maybe I’m biased because I’m a BH main, but imo their lore is the most interesting and nuanced out of everyone’s. From their parents, to their uncle, to Boone, and now their planet, Bloodhound’s backstory, current lore, and character is fantastic and honestly peak writing from Respawn atm.

Wraith: I understand that not everyone loves the “I lost my memory and am now trying to find out who I am” trope, and maybe this is also biased because I’m a complete Wraith simp, but her lore to me is also very unique and well done. The entire Voidwalker cinematic alone is what’s basically putting her in S tier, but I also love how she is the prime definition of “Looks like they can kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll” instead of your typical edgy girl that coldly pushes everyone away.

A Tier

Horizon: Interstellar but make it Scottish. She has really nice interactions with Mirage and Wattson, and there’s plenty of potential with where her character can go now that Ash is in the picture.

Gibraltar: While his lore isn’t as flashy like the ones in S tier, I still think it’s really good. For one, it’s consistent, and the stuff with Nik and Michael is very bittersweet. I really like how despite the tragedies in his life, like BH, that only made him more determined to do the right thing. 10/10 he’s got your back bruddahs

Mirage: Respawn’s poster boy, so it’s only natural that he gets a shitload of lore. Fortunately, it’s not shit and actually fleshes him out as a character greatly. I also really like the canon sibling relationship he has with Rampart. Now that his dad may or may not force himself into the picture soon, it’s gonna be more character development for Mirage either way.

Borderline

I’ll explain this tier real quick. Basically they’re between A and B; they have the potential to be great, but they’re being held back by a certain something.

--

Bangalore: Pathfinder’s Quest did a really good job fleshing her out, but the love triangle and inconsistent behavior towards Wraith isn’t doing her any favors. It’s a shame, because characters like Anita are really unique and not seen often. I can only hope Respawn realizes that no, love triangles are not the peak writing they think it is.

Loba: Same deal here, that love triangle and her rebounding off Valk is really not doing anything good towards her character. They’re adults, are they not capable of communicating? Like Bangalore, she’s also really unique in the sense that she’s a bisexual woman of color in a video game who is a complete girlboss and inspiration. Respawn stop fucking up your characters please!

B Tier

Revenant: He’s really badass, and his lore is fun, it’s just that the writing is making him look like a complete joke. He gets clowned on every time he’s about to do something cool and it’s honestly kinda sad. If the writing could give him a few kills to his name to actually establish that he’s a threat, I’ll put him up higher.

Octane: If this was fanon Octane, he’d be an automatic S tier. Respawn needs to flesh out his backstory some more, like most of the fanfics do. That one comic where he confronts his dad was 10/10, we just need more of that and actually tackling the effects his father’s abuse had on him. Also the potential history he has with Seer is a good opportunity to explore more of his character, so that’s a good start.

Rampart: Just recently she’s getting lore, and all of it is very good so far. The relationships she has with a lot of the legends are very strong, and the foreshadowing towards Big Sister returning is also a huge plus.

Fuse: The Maggie stuff was honestly really fucking lame (I blame the ingame comics for this), for me what’s really carrying his character rn are the Fusehound interactions. Idrc if it ends up platonic or romantic, all Ik is that there is a lot of potential in fleshing out Fuse as a character either way.

C Tier

Pathfinder: Okay I’m not gonna lie, I have conflicted feelings on Path. He got an entire book to himself dedicated to his own lore, along with a cinematic that gave a visual on what actually happened to his creators, and yet I don’t care for his lore??? Thinking about it, it’s probably because he didn’t really get any character development, he ultimately stayed the same (except that one moment where Revenant screwed with him, but he bounced back literally one chapter later). Also, it honestly looks like his story is over anyway, he just has to find his kid. At least his personality is 10/10 though

Lifeline: Y’all are probably thinking, why is Lifeline here and not Octane + vice versa, isn’t their lore basically the same? It’s because imo Octane has more potential character development atm, and Lifeline doesn’t really have any character interactions that don’t have to do with her childhood friend, so that to me is what’s separating her from Octane. Lol again if this were fanon Lifeline she’d probably be in A tier, borderline S tier.

D Tier

Valkyrie: Literally the first thing that happens to her in the lore is that she gets thrown into a love triangle. I understand that it’s in her character to be flirty and stuff, but a love triangle? Really? Ms. Kairi Imahara deserves sm better than that. Honestly the only reason she’s not in F tier is because I like her personality, along with the Northstar cinematic.

Seer: Tbh, there isn’t a lot we know about Seer. However, what we know about him so far isn’t detrimental and for me the reason he isn’t in F tier. The interactions he has so far have the potential to be explored.

E Tier

Wattson: Man. I wish she wasn’t here, but the fact that almost all her lore involves babysitting two grown men really killed her character for me. Fanon Wattson is a million times more enjoyable to me, Respawn needs to seriously consider giving her independent lore and/or branch out to other characters that aren’t Crypto and Caustic.

Crypto: Same thing, the fact that he’s strictly tied to Wattson and Caustic rn is annoying and stupid. It also doesn’t help that literally nothing about his personal lore has been addressed recently (Mila, clearing his name).

F Tier

Caustic: If he were actually established as a proper villain, he’d be way higher. But no, Respawn wants to play rock paper scissors with this guy; one second he literally wants to gas a city, the next he’s playing nice because “Wattson blackmailed him?” Lol I don’t fucking think so. I’m not saying a redemption arc for Caustic is impossible, it’s just that Respawn did a really shitty job in actually convincing people that he deserves it. And yes, even the whole deal with his mom isn’t doing it for me. Nah fuck this guy sorry y’all, he’d be way better as a villain imo

TLDR: Fanon does it better

[stomp-that-ho-regard]

I typically don’t do asks (I've only ever gotten a few), but a recent one got my gears turning and I wanted to reply.

(This is a secondary blog, so I can’t answer asks in the usual way.)

Your post about the retcon is so fucking good, I wish every critter saw it and actually thought about how shitty it was done, but then their belief in the cast and show would probably start cracking.

Thank you for liking the retcon post. I’ve seen various people in the tags thank me for making that post and have said that it’s helped them ‘feel less insane’. None of us are insane. We are not delusional. We didn’t experience a mass hallucination. These things happened, and they’ve been thoroughly documented. Hundreds of hours of material over the course of three years.

The people who should read that post won’t ever see it because I have all those assholes blocked lol. If they did manage to find it somehow, I know they would just mock it, as they’re wont to do with any of our criticisms. They’re so far up CR’s ass, they’ve convinced themselves that a retcon didn’t happen. Even shoving the literal definition of the word in their faces wouldn’t wake them up.

It's just so fucking weird to see how the group is acting now, and I'm pretty sure we're never gonna get a Laura&Marisha episode picture and a TM episode with those 2 for the rest of the campaign. It feels like when a non-canon wlw ship gets big on a TV show and suddenly the actresses can't be seen or interact with each other anymore🙄 it's the same fucking pattern and like you, I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this on a d&d show.

I specifically want to address the “It feels like when a non-canon wlw ship gets big on a TV show and suddenly the actresses can't be seen or interact with each other anymore” because I’ve thought about that pattern too. (Not so much with Marisha/Laura ‘cause them being on TM together is already a rare combo. If they don’t appear much or at all going forward, I don’t think it’s because of this, though it really wouldn’t surprise me. But, I have been thinking about that specific pattern in regard to their characters.)

I can make a comparison between this situation and what happened with the show A/gent Carter and the way the ship Cart/inelli was handled.

I know that might sound weird, but stay with me here lol...

I want to make it clear that I’m not comparing the relationships at all. Cart/inelli did not have nearly the same amount of build-up and depth as Beaujester, (or quite frankly, their level of possibility.) What I am comparing is the creators over-the-top reactions to these characters being shipped so hard and the extreme measures they went to in order to ‘remedy’ that.

The ship included P/eggy Carter and A/ngie Martinelli. The show was set in New York. Angie was a waitress (who wanted to be an actress/be on Broadway) at the diner that Peggy frequented. They ended up talking quite a bit and became fairly close. That ended up kind of becoming the core relationship in the entire first season, and LOTS of people started shipping it.

At the time, no one was calling us crazy or delusional. At most it was, “This is ABC! They’re not gonna pair her with a woman!” and of course the obligatory “But Peggy’s not gay!”. But no one was calling us names or being generally cruel. And anyone who tried it was ignored because everyone else drowned them out. The ship became extremely popular on Tumblr and Twitter. Both actresses were very positive and supportive. They regularly liked/retweeted romantic Cart/inelli fanart on Twitter. Even one of the female writers on the show got behind it too. It was asked about frequently at conventions and no one booed or rolled their eyes. The questions were never dismissed or made into a joke. (Honestly, this was one of the better overall fandom experiences I’ve had on here.)

And all of us were super excited for S2. Not just because of all the support, but because they had ended S1 with Peggy and Angie moving in together. Peggy had purchased, either it was a really fancy apartment or house (my memory is fuzzy on this), and she literally asked Angie to stay with her. Needless to say, that fueled the flames even more.

But despite the actresses and at least one writer being on board, between S1 and S2, something shifted.

Clearly, the showrunner and/or the execs, took a look at all of this and deemed it a ‘problem’. When S2 finally came around, suddenly everything was different. Instead of both of them living together in New York, instead of it being an organic (I’m beginning to hate that word) continuation from where they left off, Peggy decided to move to Los Angeles to do work for some agency out there or something, and Angie stayed in New York. It’s never explained why. It’s never explained why a woman who so badly wanted to be an actress would NOT want to go to LA, where Hollywood is. LA was never mentioned in S1. There were no hints that Peggy might want to fly out to the West Coast at some point. She seemed perfectly happy in NY, basically setting up house with Angie.

And they didn’t even ease into the change. They just got rid of the character. The actress was bummed about it and Cart/inelli fans tried to put pressure on the showrunner/writers to bring Angie back, which the actress completely supported, but even that fell on deaf ears. So, Angie was simply no longer an entity on that show. Conveniently removed. All the excitement we had was crushed. And of course, the second that Peggy got out to LA, she suddenly had a very obvious male love interest. What a surprise.

The showrunner/writers were not subtle about what they thought about our ship and us. They made the most extreme, nonsensical writing decision in order to permanently separate these two characters. Because, hey, that’s the only way to get the shippers to STOP, right?

This was what I was reminded of when I started seeing the turn that post-hiatus CR was taking. It ended up being a weird combination of kneejerk erasure (BJ) and heavy-handed overcompensation (BY).

But of course, CR is not a TV show, it’s D&D. And they can’t force one of their PCs to just disappear, so what do they have to resort to? Not interacting.

We all know how severely neutered Beau and Jester’s general relationship has become. It’s clear to me that both Marisha and Laura felt they had to do that. They had to suddenly have their characters stay away from each other as much as possible so they could prioritize Fjord and Yasha, and speed-run into romances with them. They started acting as if either of them giving the other one ounce of affectionate attention (like they had been doing so often and so naturally before), would be breaking some sort of hidden ‘relationship code’. Almost like if they ever hugged again, the studio would go down in flames.

The very obvious fact that they went to these lengths, to me, proves two things...

One, it proves the retcon even more, because you can tell that the way they behaved with each other DID in fact change. The frequency of interactions and the way those interactions would play out. Whenever they interact now, it seems like they’re trying to keep it as short, thin, and almost comedic (to the point of goofiness, and not in a good way) as possible. Their engagement seems half-assed and dull. The sounds of their voices, their facial expressions... completely sanitized. Even all the physicality they had is gone; the touches, the hugs, the cuddling. Every single aspect is different and they absolutely did that intentionally. This had to happen because they needed to dupe the viewers into believing that despite overall interest waning, their threadbare connections to Fjord and Yasha are more important, and were always more important then their connection to each other, that we all watched them steadily build. (And watched them pick up steam from about ep70 onwards.)

And two, that whole intentional decision to cut themselves off from each other, proves to me that their interactions pre-hiatus were indeed tinged with ‘something extra’, that was more than just friendship. They both recognized it and that’s why they pulled back so hard. That’s why soft touches and hugs and cuddling are no longer ‘allowed’. That’s why quiet, heartfelt conversations are no longer ‘allowed’. Because if there was absolutely nothing there, if they didn’t see/feel any romantic chemistry simmering underneath, and it was all just platonic BFF stuff, why would they suppress their behavior so drastically?

I think that all of this really does cement what I said in my retcon post: That there are disingenuous patterns being used here that I’ve seen far too often in media. In A/gent Carter, it was a character separation, in CR it was a character dynamic separation. Both done on purpose, to make the shippers shut up, and to push a different plot.

One is scripted, the other is unscripted, but the situations feel disgustingly similar, don’t they?

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

JNPR Berries Week 2020

Day 6: Alternate Universe

Okay guys i hate aus and i always avoid au days for ship weeks but i actually have so many Pyrrha Lives/Fall Maiden!Pyrrha AUs and i got carried away i wrote almost 2k in bullet points

@jnprberriesweek

After Fall of Beacon Pyrrha has two options: 1) enroll at Haven with JNPR and continue to chase her Huntress dreams while paparazzi continue to make most things she does public, indirectly informing Salem where she is at all times. 2) drop off the face off the Earth both to avoid Salem/Cinder and to continue the Fall Maiden's job

Pyrrha being Pyrrha (self-sacrificing) goes with option 2

JNR decides there’s no way they’re going to let (a freshly discharged) Pyrrha go running into unknown with no friends or backup

She’s worried about putting them in danger (even though that’s the Hunter job description) but Goodwitch reminds her that she’s only at half power so she should accept the extra protection, and friends since she’s about to leave her whole life behind to live as a nomad which makes making friendships difficult to create and maintain

(Pyrrha doesn’t mention that she’s pretty sure she sees all of them in the more romantic light)

JNR help Pyrrha change her whole appearance. Which is very important since she’s also famous

She looses her iconic armor and has to leave her weapons behind

JNR tries to convince her to cut her hair but she’s worried about not being pretty

Jaune unhelpfully reminds her that that’s probably a good thing considering they’re trying to make her as non-noticeable as possible (poor boy just meant she’s so pretty already she'll probably never be able to blend into the background of any crowd)

Ren is actually the one who has to go "Pyrrha you’re gorgeous shorter hair isn’t gonna change that at all"

Then Ren goes "look at Nora she has short hair and she’s stunning for all we know you’ll look even better with short hair"

Pyrrha and Nora are practically speechless because Ren thinks they’re beautiful

Pyrrha is like okay but I won’t let you cut it any shorter than here (gestures to mid-chest level). (JNR tries not to look at her boobs)

Nora then tries to get her to dye it. Pyrrha holds out

JNR end up in Vol 4 outfits

Pyrrha makes the difficult choice of deciding to fake her death. She makes sure her friends (she unfortunately is unable to contact Blake or Weiss) and family still know she’s alive (but they still grieve her as if she’s dead. They most likely will never see her again. The only ones likely are her parents) but to the world Pyrrha Nikos is dead, killed in the Beacon Massacre

JNPR sets off through Vale (Fall Maiden's territory)

Pyrrha has a hastily made vaguely similar weapons to her last set. She may be a professional but she’s a professional with her chosen weapons and semblance, not most other weapons

JNR sees how Pyrrha dies inside every time a little kid or random citizen tells her "did you know you look a lot like Pyrrha Nikos?"

Pyrrha is also now getting hit on without her celebrity pedestal to keep people at bay

The first few times its truly pathetic how Pyrrha responds

JNR doesn’t intervene because they remember how sad she was about no one asking her to the dance

What JNR thinks is they’re coming into rescue her only occasionally. The truth is Pyrrha is getting rescued every time by a different member and lots of times one of them will step in before anyone even approaches her

Most of the time she’s happy one of them intervened

Some times she’s mad that no one will let her handle this herself (no one has realized that yet)

A lot of the time she feels all warm and fuzzy because for a few moments she gets to pretend. She’s given a free pass to slow dance with Nora, or to lean into Ren when he puts a arm around her waist, or get away with kissing Jaune on the cheek

(JNR are also very happy when they get these excuses.)

Jaune typically intervenes because he’s a nice guy and watching Pyrrha flounder is horrible. Ren and Nora always intervene because they’re either being protective or jealous (Ren has perfected the evil eye. People will back off before they even finished crossing the room)

They almost always camp out but when they stay in town they usually share beds to save money

Originally they were doing girls in one bed boys in the other but Nora is the whole kicking, sprawling, blanket snatching package so they typically pull straws on who gets to share with her

Sometimes even her bed buddy will leave in the middle of the night and see if they can squeeze in with the other two

On the other hand Jaune drools, Ren sleeps like a vampire, and Pyrrha snores

With Pyrrha, Jaune, and Ren all pushing six feet whenever two of them pair up touching is unavoidable

Most of the time everyone but Nora (who can fall asleep instantly) stay up freaking out about being so close to their crush. Ren actually freaked so much the first time he moved to the floor and activated his semblance just so he could sleep

Pyrrha is a side sleeper so she always ends up tangling her legs with her bed buddy. She’s always embarrassed but tries to stay in that position as long as she can (its the only selfish thing she allows herself)

Winter however quickly forced JNPR to start sharing sleeping bags

They always zip both bags together but all decided spooning is the way to go after too many cold nights. They also bought a tent just big enough for the four of them in order to trap escaping body heat

Jaune is dying from so much close contact. Was it not bad enough he has to see all of his (recently discovered) crushes get changed twice every single day? Was accidentally seeing Nora's abs and walking into a door frame in Beacon not enough?

Nora and Pyrrha on the other hand are loving it (when its not absolutely freezing)

Ren has caught all three of them arguing over who gets to sleep with him that night several times. Apparently he’s the best big spoon

A pack mule joke turns into them actually looking into getting one

Originally they wanted a horse, but when they actually were looking they ran into the problem of 1) its too tall for Nora to pack the bags 2) horses are massive and JNPR quickly realize they're scared of them

So that leaves either a pony, donkey, hinny, small mule, or llama

They end up with a donkey and name her Betty. Nora wanted "Bessie" but Ren refused to give in on the basis that she’s a donkey and not a cow

They also take this opportunity to purchase more bulkier items that would make their life more comfortable that they were unable to carry by themselves before (tents, pots and pans, extra shoes, more jackets, books)

They're over a year in when Ren of all people gets high and talks about his feelings

He thinks he’s talking to Betty but really he’s been talking to a tree stump for the last hour

He got high by taste-testing the mushrooms he was cooking

The team came back from getting firewood and unpacking Betty to find him laying in the mud giggling at the sky with their questionable mushrooms burning on the fire. It was pretty clear what happened

JNP have been making sure he wont hurt himself but mainly they’re enjoying the show

"Psst Betty. Betty. You wanna hear a secret?" JNP lean in "I’ve managed to fall in love with my entire team. You can’t tell anyone though. I don’t think I’ll ever tell them either. Im not good with feelings, and that would probably make me a terrible boyfriend"

He then goes on about what he likes about each person. He goes off on a tangent about someone’s eyes for seven minutes. He talks about his favorite facial expressions everyone makes and the best parts of their personality. Nora's been red for awhile now, Jaune is leaning so far forward Pyrrha's worried he’s gonna catch on fire, and Pyrrha is actually tearing up

He says how he feels guilty whenever he cuts in on whoever is moving in on Pyrrha, that he feels guilty about being jealous but also about sending someone away when he knows Pyrrha wants that experience, and how he doesn’t realize he’s already moved in to stop the person until they’re walking away

That he feels like he could mess up everything he has with Nora, not by going into a relationship with her but by being unable to open up any more emotionally than he is now which he knows she'll expect (they’ve talked about being “together-together” before)

He laughingly mentions that one time Pyrrha said she wanted a guy taller than her because Ren gets it now because when he’s bunking with Jaune in the winter he’s found he really likes being held by someone taller than him

Ren then goes "oh no. No no no its bad enough I’m talking about my feelings out loud I’m not going to tell you who has the best ass. Aren’t donkey's also called asses? What’s it like being a donkey?" And everyone is laughing

Pyrrha is the first to break after they fall back into listening. She looks at the fire the whole time. She admits she feels the same way about all of them, that she also planned on never saying anything.

Then Jaune pipes in that he just figured it out for himself pretty recently. That at first he was worried it was either teenage hormones or that he was reacting to a vastly shrunk dating pool and therefore the feelings weren’t real. (Unlike Ren and Pyrrha his feelings didn’t begin romantic and then expand his started sexual until realized what he thought was strong platonic feelings might actually be romantic)

Nora is still red with her hands over her face but eventually she says that she’s been attracted to all of them since team JNPR formed and "since we all clearly feel the same way about each other can we stop with the super embarrassing love confessions and makeout already"

When Ren wakes up that morning he remembers very little since he doesn’t know what were dreams and what were hallucinations. He has a dehydration headache and rolls over but Pyrrha sees he’s awake and she comes sits next to him. Ren doesn’t uncurl until she started playing with his hair. "How much of last night do you remember?" "Mostly just colors." "Ummm okay. Remember anything anyone said?" "I think I had a conversation with Jaune about rocks." "That was to Nora actually. But you did think she was Jaune." "Mmhm." "So last night there was a development, but since you were high I wanna ask you again now that you're sober." "Okay." "So ummm, we're kinda all dating now? But if you wanna back out now that you're sober you totally can." "What do you mean by 'kinda all'?" "All four of us." "And you all want to date me?" "Yeah, you don’t remember all the love confessions that happened last night." "Oh. Did my rock conversation interrupt all that?" "No. You actually confessed first." "I WHAT."

[teaboot]

whats the difference between romantic attraction and platonic attraction? i'm trying to figure out if i'm aro or not but all these terms are just a blur and i'm v confused lol. i thought i'd ask you since you kindly explained different attractions to the other anon but i just don't get it. i'm sorry i'm dumb and thanks

God, I have no idea. From what I've read, romantic attraction typically involves a desire for sexual intimacy, whereas platonic love does not, but like... As an asexual person, I find that muddles the waters a bit?

I feel like love is a bit like a cloud, where we're all looking at it and trying to give it a different name for each different shape it takes on, but like... It's a cloud. It's cloud shaped. Most of the time, it's probably gonna be a bit different from the diagrams.

I figure personally? Every person is different, so every love is probably different too. Do you have a friend you want to kiss? A stranger you enjoy sex with? A soulmate you don't want to date? I think whatever makes you all happy is good.

I think our concern- or at least mine, privately- should be less on what to call it, and more on what feels good.

I love a lot of people in different ways. It would take a lot of work and a lot of lawyering to put all those relationships in clear-cut boxes, and I don't think it would make me any happier.

I don't know. Go out and make some mistakes, I guess? I'll have to think on it.

[millennial-star-gazer]

Fire And Gold: Chapter: 1: A Simple Spark (Nalu lovefest 2019)

Fire and Gold

Nalu Lovefest 2019 Prompts: Magic, Memories, Reckless, Worship & Cravings (All Implied)

Genres: Romance, Humor, New Adult Fanfiction

Pairing: Nalu/Endlu (Natsu x Lucy & E.n.d. Natsu x Lucy)

Rating: T-M for language, steamy and mature adult sexual content (all consensual) in these and future chapters. Reader Direction is advised.(You've been warned!)

Summary: Let the day be known when fire tested gold in the most intimate sense. The forging of a mating bond between the dragon-demon hybrid and celestial maiden while further strengthening the relationship they already have. Natsu finally confesses his romantic feelings for Lucy at and asks to claim her as his mate and queen; though not without it taking a bit for it to fully sink in for the poor, baffled woman. The first chapter is one of my entries for  @nalulovefestofficial 2019 and part of my ongoing Nalu (The Demon-Dragon and His Celestial Princess) anthology series set not too long after the events of the original manga/anime.(Slight Au).

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Chapter 1 : A Simple Spark

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A/N: Hey peeps, I'm back! You miss me lol? Anyway, this time I'm coming at you with the first chapter of my one new Nalu fics, (Fire And Gold) which is also an entry for Nalu Love Fest 2019. ( @nalulovefestofficial). Fun Fact: This fic along with Tantric Flames and other upcoming Nalu WIPS are now part of my ongoing The Demon-Dragon and His Celestial Princess (TDDACP) anthology series (slight au) with Fire and Gold set before the rest- a prequel of sorts. Course, this entire series is a slight au on account of it being set not too long after the events of the original Fairytail manga/anime and other reasons as you may all know. Please see the summary, A/N at the end of this chapter or Tantric Flames for more info. Anyways, I don't have too much else to say here. A special shoutout to the fantastic @bmarvels, ( @bmarvels) @doginshoe ( @doginshoe) and @goddesofimortality ( @goddesofimortality) (tumblr) for taking the time to help me proofread, edit, and further develop this chapter—thanks guys! Oh and an extra kudos to, Brit ( @bmarvels) who provided great suggestions for the title of this fic, chapter title and literary quote (which include all of those that you see here. Thanks again girl! Anyways, I'll let you all get on with the story. Without further ado, here is Chapter 1 of Fire and Gold! Enjoy!

(Note: Scroll down past the cut/read more button for the links and actual chapter).

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Disclaimer: I don't own Fairytail which instead belongs to the one and only Hiro-sensei instead!

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Read More Fire And Gold On Here and Other Platforms

 If reading this on the desktop, then copy and paste the links into another window on your browser.

1. Fire And Gold

A. Tumblr

Chapter: 1      Next:(Click Here:) (or here: https://millennial-star-gazer.tumblr.com/post/189326665518/fire-and-gold-chapter-2)

B. Fanfiction (Click Here:) (or here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13410012/1/Fire-and-Gold)

C. A03 (Click Here:) (or here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20851052)

 2. Master Rec Post  Of All My Writing(Click Here) or here:

(https://millennial-star-gazer.tumblr.com/post/179665258923/master-fic-rec-post)

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Legend

Italics: Flashback/literary or song quotes (If Any For The the Most Former)

Bold: First Person Thoughts

Bolded Italics: empathized word

Bolded Italics: outside of main story): A/N

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"He felt now that he was not simply close to her,

but that he did not know where he ended and she began."

(Leo Tolstoy: Chapter XIV in Part V Of Anna Karina)

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"I love you ."

"Oh hey, Natsu. Sorry— couldn't quite hear you over all the commotion. Can you repeat that please?"

Lucy turned to face her coral-haired best friend whose onyx eyes met her gaze; with what only could be described as genuine earnest; Most often seen when a critical weighed heavy on his mind—- aka a stark contrast to her cordial interest. She wasn't fibbing in her request for Nastu to reiterate his previous statement either — what with the whole guild being abuzz from the usual activity and all. Anyone who cared to listen in would most likely hear the various conservations between other guild members: Warren bemoaning to Max about his "complete and utter lack of a non-existent sex life�� the hell man? I'm a freakin' dreamboat!"

Said sandmage's less -than - complimentary - quip of "if you're calling yourself a 'dreamboat', then no wonder none of the ladies aren't exactly jumping at the chance for a hookup. Hell, pretty sure I'd much rather be forced to look at picture of Ichyia in-assless-chaps-riding -a- gay unicorn than knock boots with you regardless of whether I was female or into dudes. "

"Fuck you man!"

"What does a chump like you know about getting laid anyway? "

"Lot more than you think, ya' piece of—- yeowwww! The hell dipshit?! Did you just ram a broom-handle up my ass?!"

"Yeah? So what if I did? What exactly are you gonna do about it?"

Elfman's crow from the sidelines about how "settling your differences with fists is so freakin' manly!" Macao and Wakaba squabbling over who "the rightful owner" of a much-coveted, lottery ticket was— typical chatter, really.

Not that any of this matters at the moment when Natsu’s  trying to talk to me.

Nastu on the other hand, didn't pay the background noise any heed; who instead letting his eyes stay trained on Lucy.

"I really do wanna hear what you have to say. What were you trying to tell me?"

"Okay," he let out a measured breath, as if steeling his nerves, "Just wanted to say that I love you."

"Aw Natsu—I love you too! " the celestial mage gushed, touched by the dragonslayer's sentiment even it was a little out of the blue. " it's kinda out of the blue that you're telling me this— but I appreciate it just the same. There's no one better I could have as one my best —".

"No Luce," Natsu cut his blonde partner off with a slight shake of his head—- extremely perplexing to say the least. "That isn't what I meant."

"Okay... what did you mean? Lucy questioned, the intensity of the fire wizard's gaze sending her pulse racing."

"Something else" came his sober reply . "Not to say that you're not one of my best friends or that I don't consider myself extremely lucky to have ya' in my life— but my feelings aren't exactly the platonic kind. Hasn't been for a while. Guess what I'm trying to say is I'm in love with you."

Natsu's last words really threw the key- holder for a loop.

"W-wait? What?" was all she could utter in response with an owlish blink.

What he's saying? I mean, yeah, I'm totally head-over-heels in love with the dude— but he can't possibly feel the same way, right?

"I don't understand..."

"Still not sinking in yet, huh? Fine— I don't have a problem with repeating what I said if that helps."

"You don't?"

"No. I…"Natsu began to reiterate, enunciating each and every word with deliberate precision. "Nastu Dragneel, am in love with you Lucy Heartifila— as in head over heels."

"No, no, no, you can't be!" Lucy was still in vehement self-denial; or should she says her, poor addled-brain was short circuiting from trying to process her teammate's words. Not to mention how mortifying the heated-infused blood she could feel rising in her cheeks was. "You're my best friend and I'm not exactly the only single woman here. Far prettier girls here if you ask me—pick of the lot. No, you can't be in love with me—- just no way."

"Oh for the love—"

The celestial mage swore she caught a glimpse of slanted brows above scorching emerald fire in Salamander's eyes before his mouth was smashing down on hers in a searing kiss ; Needless to say, said female was caught completely off guard. Still, smooth lips were moving against hers with such insistent urgency that the mage couldn't help but automatically respond in with just spirited vigor; even during a rowdy chorus of catcalls, whistles and cheers heard from onlookers that she vaguely registered.

Natsu's hand meanwhile was instinctively pressing on the small of Lucy's back; while the other arm snaked around her waist to pull her flusher against him. Just as hers circled together around the nape of his neck at the same time. The next thing the celestial mage knew he was further deepening the kiss by running his tongue along the seam of her bottom lip; that was then being sucked into his mouth. Not only was the tactic tantalizing enough to light sparks of in Lucy's blood, but it also drew an airy moan out of her; which was more than well received by Natsu who growled in approval against her lips sending a tingly shiver down her spine.

My God is he  a stellar kisser! Was all the only thought that crossed the summoner 's mind could; before all else was scattered by the insatiable fire wizard's velvet tongue slipping past her lips. The sensation of his tongue massaging hers though before sweeping/dragging along the roof of her mouth; Oh and a heady suck on Lucy's own for good measure—- all of that was what the stars were behind the mage's shut eyes were bursting from. Not to mention the rush of liquid heat between her legs.

More, more, more, Lucy craved more—- drowning in the ecstasy of it all, courtesy of Natsu. The fire-breather's defined leg wedging between the gaps her thighs, her fingers through his hair with a snug grip. Supple, masculine, hands all over creamy skin before skating down to—

"A-hem..."

The distinct noise of awkward throat clearing along with dry coughs of "a freakin' room you two— get one" from one nauseated-sounding Gray  burst the pair's intimate little bubble. The blonde-haired member of the two meanwhile, just barely managed to bite back a noise of protest when the other pulled back ever so slightly.

"Huh—- looks like we got a little carried away just now" Nastu panted with a chuckle, though there didn't seem any hint of sheepish repentance in his voice at all — quite the opposite actually. More like he was extremely pleased with the turnout of events, if the smug grin spreading across his lips was anything to go by.

"Yeah—I'll say," came Lucy's reply, voice coming out a little ragged. Mavis knows that the euphoric high of the kiss was still singing in her veins. Not to mention the Natsu's forehead touching against hers; along with onyx-green piercing thrift honey-brown that the zodiac wielder swore she could get lost in too— profoundly intimate beyond words.

It's like he can see straight into my soul.

"Definitely attracted an audience."

"An audience, she says?" Cana's voice broke in from somewhere on the sidelines; which was practically dripping with dry sarcasm. "Gee—I wonder why."

"Yeah, me thinks our dear friend Lu stated the obvious" came Levy's wry quip." She did."

"Those two did get pretty hot and heavy," Lexus put in as a thoughtful observation. "Gotta hand it to Natsu though— dude has major kissing game."

"That's for sure" Gajeel concurred, sounding impressed." He managed to get bunny girl all hot just now. And she's clearly no slouch when it comes to kissin' either."

"Really?" The ice wizard cut in, with what sounded like a derisive snort." Cuz I beg to differ. I mean Lucy, sure, she did a great job. But lava - breath?! Watching him suck face was beyond nauseating! Ugh... So much cringe—pretty sure I just puked in my mouth just now. Anyone got some bleach on hand to permanently burn the gag-worthy image from my retinas?"

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Fic Tag Squad: @fuck-yeah-nalu @fortheloveoffandomevents @nalubookclub @nalulovefestofficial @nalulovefestofficial @fuck-yeah-nalu @nalubookclub @fortheloveoffandomevents  @nalulovefestofficial @fuck-yeah-nalu @nalubookclub @fortheloveoffandomevents

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A/N: That's the first chapter of Fire & Gold folks! Hope you enjoyed and feel free to let me know what you think! Now for a little background info on this fic and rest of the TDDACP anthology series including tantric flames) for those who are wondering. As stated previously, TDDACP that's set shortly after the events of the original Fairytail and 100 years quest in a way (which explains how the series is slightly AU and canon divergent). Team Natsu managed to successfully complete the century quest in a matter of a few months which enabled resume their normal lives at the guild. Natsu is still a dragonslayer-demon hybrid with full access to his dragonslayer and etherious magic that he can tap into from either mode . Moreover, all elements of his heritage can play a major influence on his personality and strength as wizard (among other aspects). Anyways, said wizard is fully aware that he's head over heels for Lucy though finally worked up the courage to confess as seen in this chapter. I'd like to point to point out that Natsu technically being an etherious dragonslayer -demon hybrid is still pretty much established canon based on what we've seen in the anime/manga series (including in 100 years quest during that battle with Ignea).

Same goes for Nalu being mutually and passionately in love and other with all the types of passion attraction that comes from it- the physical and sexual types included (even if they have yet to fully confess). (Sidenote: Levy is still expecting but isn't that far along in her pregnancy yet). All in all , this pretty much sums up why this series is only slightly au and canon divergent. Hope this background information provides enough insight to you all!

In other news: major bummer about the Fairytail anime-aka one of my favourite animes/manga series ending for now, huh? I mean talk about there being a major void in our hearts now lol.  That said, we still have 100 years quest, city heros, Eden's Zero along with that giant crossover manga(Fairytail, EZ, and Rave Master combined) which are all excellent series for us to continue to enjoy and look forward to! Plus, there's a great chance of that animated FT sequel/ 100 year quest anime adaption being in the works based on what we've been hearing.

Anyways, pretty much said all that I wanted to for now folks ! Don't forget to let me know what you think, like, reblog and share! Oh and be sure to stay tuned for the next chapter and more Nalu Wips. Feel free to check out the rest of my writing, my other lovefest entry (Chapter 8 of Tantric) and those from the other amazing participants as well! (Corresponding links are above, in the navigation bar and bio if reading this on tumblr. See other writing platforms for links as well! ) All right, that's all for now folks ! Until next time— take care!

[jandiistheworstandhereswhy]

Jandi Is The Worst And Here’s Why Part 3: Life After Happily Ever After

This is part three in my series “Jandi Is The Worst And Here’s Why”. To read the previous installments, click the links below. 

Part 1, Humble Beginnings

Part 2, He Was A Boy, She Was A Girl, Can I Make It Any More Obvious?

You know its funny, as going into this project I wasn’t expecting to have too many positive things to say about Jandi, yet the first two installments of this series have been relatively focused on the better parts of this ships, hinting at its eventual downfall. Well kids its time to get into what exactly lead Jandi to becoming the dumpster fire it currently is, meaning we’re going to have to look back (*wink wink*) at season two. 

So by the start of season two, Andi and Jonah are finally together which means that we won’t have to focus on all the awkwardness of becoming a couple and delving into the more interesting part of a relationship, the relationship itself. Is what should have happened but instead the show seemed quite adamant about not making these two official for as long as possible. At first this would make sense, as since Jonah had just gotten out of a toxic relationship he probably wouldn’t be interested in starting a new one. Here’s the issue though: the show never makes this explicitly clear, and Jonah’s wording leads Andi to believe they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Instead of having Jonah say something along the lines of “Hey I’m sorry I let Amber treat you that way, she’s gone now, and I want to try to be friends for real this time” which would align with Andi’s speech in “Were We Ever?”, he just says he wants to hang out with her more, which Andi misinterprets as a start for their relationship. And one thing I want to make clear here, and this is something that will come up a lot as we talk more about Jandi, is that many of the problems here are not character issues but writing issues. What I mean is, the problem isn’t the character’s behavior that lines up with their established traits are creating issues, but rather that circumstances forcing them into tedious and arbitrary situations are being manufactured by the writers in order to maintain a poorly thought out story. It’s not Andi nor Jonah’s fault for this miscommunication, as this was something put in place by the writers to extend the story line further. Why? Well that’s a question I’ve answered on several occasions but for those of you new here....

The reason that stories tend end a story with the start of a relationship instead of having two people get together and showing the ways in which a romantic relationship can affect a person is because the romantic leads simply are not interesting enough as a couple to carry an engaging story. I like using the show Friends as an example since its so well known, because it perfectly displays the difference between a couple with chemistry and without. Monica and Chandler were able to get together and stay together in the show because they were entertaining enough as a couple that having to constantly restart their relationship was not necessary. With Ross and Rachel, however, they had little to nothing in common and wouldn’t really contribute much to the show if put together, so they are constantly put in a state of will-they-won’t-they as the constant instability and drama is the only way the writers know how make the audience care even a little bit about them, which a lot of them still didn’t. That’s why saying Jandi would be good if they stopped having drama is a worthless statement because its never going to stop because Andi and Jonah do not have enough romantic chemistry to carry out a descent story line for the rest of the show and the writers know this. And for the first half of season two, it seemed like they were actually going to say something about it. 

See, during 2a, a lot of people thought that the show was going to subvert the typical middle school romance by having Andi realize that Jonah wasn’t what she really wanted and that instead of chasing after this idea of a perfect boy she should be with someone she actually shares interests with and doesn’t cause her so much emotional stress in the form of Walker. A lot of people though that was the direction they were going in, including myself, because honestly that would’ve been genius. Take a couple the audience just assumes will be together, than show why they shouldn’t actually be together in the first place and we’re only rooting for them because we’ve been conditioned to like the idea of this kind of couple. The biggest reason so many of us believed this was what was going to happen was that Terri Minsky in an interview when asked about her favorite storyline in Andi Mack said how she was most proud of Andi realizing she didn’t need to be in a relationship, and thusly Jonah. So a lot of us pretty much saw 2a as biding time before the inevitable break up (and in my case the inevitable beginning of Jyrus but we’ll get into that later). From the constant miscommunications, to the distrust, to the absolute failure to find any common interests, the writing seemed to be on the walls that Jandi was gonna sink and sink hard. This all came to a head in “We Were Never”, actually referencing the episode that first broke off Jandi, where it was revealed that Jonah never wanted to be Andi’s boyfriend, and that this whole time Andi had completely misunderstood him. This is frustrating for a multitude of reasons, the biggest being it makes out both Andi and Jonah to be completely incompantent at interpreting basic social cues. It was a story beat that just lead to more questions like, why did Jonah mean when he said he didn’t like labels but considered him and Andi together? He tells Cyrus that him and Andi aren’t broken up, but yet doesn’t think that saying he doesn’t want the label of boyfriend could be interpreted that way? How could Jonah not tell when Andi was very clearly upset when he said he didn’t want the bracelet? Was his hesitance towards labels because of Amber? I know most of these are directed towards Jonah, and to be fair Andi did jump to the conclusion they were dating, but not without reason. What would’ve been so difficult of just having them be an official couple? That’s the assumption everyone else watching it had to begin with so why not? Simple, to continue to drag out the storyline. 

If Andi and Jonah had been official, there would’ve been far more of a sense of finality with their “break up” in “We Were Never” but instead the show can say “Well they never really were together meaning they didn’t actually break up so we still haven’t seen these two get together”, meaning that the writers have created a scenario in which they can technically repeat the same story beats without it actually being the exact same thing. Now anyone with basic brain functioning knows that’s total bullshit, and pretty much everyone has seen through it. It’s quite frustrating but not as frustrating as what was to come. 

Looking back at Bash Mitzvah is truly disheartening, as it was an episode that set it self up to be the turning point for pretty much every character’s storyline but ended up being for the most part an empty promise. One of the bigger examples of this would be the final ending of Jandi, as with Jonah seemingly having lost Andi for good now that she had hung out with Walker and realized that a relationship shouldn’t have to be as emotionally draining as hers was with Jonah, and it seemed that unlike last time when she cut Jonah off, Andi was still willing to be with Jonah in a platonic way. This isn’t what happened obviously and the fans were furious. Of course they would be, since the show was so blatantly being lazy when it came to the writing around Jandi. Surely there’s no other reason that the fans would have a problem with alright you know where this is going and we’ll be getting into that next time. 

[starstruckpurpledragon]

So earlier today I saw an ask on @fuckyeahasexual​ talking about there being articles on Vice about aromanticism and asexuality.  Well, mostly asexuality, but there was apparently one on aromanticism too.  I didn’t really have time to read it then, but I wasn’t super impressed by the tagline “They're never gonna fall in love—because they don't want to.”

A person’s orientation isn’t a choice, so I tend to be kind of wary of phrasing that implies the opposite.  So not a great start for the article.

It’s actually not bad.  It was written in 2014 and despite being 5 years old (well, in September it will be), its information hasn’t aged badly  (there’s still the 1% of the population is ace figure that’s outdated, but... 2014).  I really don’t like some of the author’s tendency towards flippant humor, but I’ll get to that some below the cut.  Overall, its a decent take on aromanticism from an outsider’s perspective and, better yet, the aromantics interviewed for the article aren’t all aroace, there’s a lesbian aro and straight aro who get quoted, and a few other aros who may or may not be ace mentioned throughout the article.  I also think it does a fairly good job of addressing common misconceptions like ‘aros are late bloomers’ and ‘it’s a tumblr thing’, though your mileage may vary on that one.

I particularly like the closing paragraph:

It’s clear that the human experience that sits under the label of “aromantic” is not simple. Aros may feel sexual attractions, they may not. They may want to be intimate, they may not. They might want relationships with one special person, or have squishes, they might not. Their ideal Christmas present might be a Blu-ray copy of The Notebook, or they might have taste. But all of this variation doesn’t make the label less valid. Why should minority sexual and romantic orientations have to fit into strict criteria? Straight, romantic people aren’t all easily defined either. Love is complicated, and humans are more so—and when you think in those terms, I guess the real question is why aren't there more labels for the way that we relate to each other?

Okay, so I do like some of the flippant humor because I’ll never not find taking potshots at The Notebook funny.

If you’re looking for some 101 resources to start explaining aromanticism to a non-aro friend, this would be a good article to toss their way.  Below the cut is a deeper look at the good and bad aspects of the article.

The Good:

While the article uses asexuality as a jumping off point for explaining aromanticism, the author makes it clear that asexual does not equal aromantic or vice versa.  She discusses sexuality as a spectrum then introduces the concept of romantic orientations as a spectrum too, moving from there into a deeper view of aromanticism. 

She debunks a lot of misconceptions about aromanticism:

Discusses how its not about disliking romantic gestures

Makes it clear that aromantics aren’t psychopaths (though this was one of the places her flippant humor irked me)

Touches on the concept that aromantics do feel all kinds of platonic love, just not romantic love

Tackles the idea that aromantics are just late bloomers, examining the reasoning behind that assumption and ultimately uses quotes from an interviewed aro to land firmly against the idea that aromantics are just late bloomers

Also tackles the idea that we’re just tumblr snowflakes, though this one is more of a mixed-bag of results and YMMV just how well she deals with it

Discusses how enjoying romance as a genre does not disqualify a person from being aromantic 

Confronts the idea that aromantics are all sex-fiends both with quotes from aros who explain why thats not true and from using her own logic skills to pick apart the fallacy

While she doesn’t discuss amatanormativity by name, she does tackle the concept to some degree.  There are quotes from aromantics discussing the harm society’s expectations regarding romance have made aros feel uncomfortable or even broken.

Describing squishes using AVEN’s definition was a good start -  “a desire for a strong platonic relationship with someone which is usually more emotionally intimate than a typical friendship.” - which makes it all the more annoying when her treatment of the term squish is immediately fumbled afterwards.  (More below in ‘The Bad’ section.)

She discusses what QPRs are and while the definition given isn’t the greatest - there’s no mention of alterous attractions and the standard ‘romantic relationship levels of commitment between intensely close friends’ description is given.  While some aros are okay with this type of description for QPRs and other aros are very intensely against it, this is definitely a spot where YMMV.  While I’m ultimately glad that QPRs were addressed at all and in a way that non-aros can start grasping the concept, I do find it frustrating that she implies that QPRs are sort of friendship+ since that’s not really what they are.

The Bad:

I admit, I really just don’t like the tagline.  In addition to my earlier complaints, it erases aromantics who do want to be in a romantic relationship.  There are a lot of valid reasons an aro might choose to be in a romantic relationship and I don’t think that ever really gets addressed in the article, which instead frames all aro relationships as either friendships or QPRs.

“Aromanticism is simply the fundamental desire to not be in a romantic relationship.” - That’s... not really a good explanation of what aromanticism is.  While it, thankfully, doesn’t imply that aromanticism is a choice, it doesn’t actually describe what aromanticism is - not experiencing romantic attraction - and equates aromanticism with behavior - not wanting to be in a romantic relationship.  This once again erases aromantics who are in romantic relationships for any number of valid reasons.  

“Unlike psychopaths or people who just don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you (ugh, weirdos), aros are capable of love.” - While I’m glad she addresses both that aros aren’t psychopaths and that aros do feel love, I could do without the amatanormative joke in the middle there.  The idea that only weirdos wouldn’t be romantically attracted to a person is really entitled and creepy and gross and just jarring to have there.  The semi-flippant treatment of dismissing the psychopath misconception isn’t all that great either, but YMMV.  In this particular context its just very uncomfortable to me, perhaps largely because the person making the joke isn’t aro.

The dismissive attitude towards aro culture because we make jokes about auto-correct, discuss fandom headcanons, and create pride flags.  These are all things that pretty much every LGBT+ identity does and its insulting to single us out for being comfortable enough with our aromanticism to start having fun and taking pride in ourselves.  None of that is inherently childish and I really can’t tell if she’s being ignorant or indulging in ageism by classifying things she’s not interested in as things that adults don’t do.

The equally dismissive treatment of aromantic terms, like ‘squish’ and ‘zucchini’.  ‘Squish’ is no more childish than the term ‘crush’ and plenty of adults use the word ‘crush’ to describe their romantic feelings.  And while ‘zucchini’ may sound weird without knowing the history behind it (or even when you do) slang pretty much always sounds weird.  It’s even more frustrating because one of the quotes in this section are used to reinforce the author’s disdainful attitude towards the adequacy of our terminology.  Not every aro finds these words useful but its downright hurtful to see an aro quoted calling the word ‘squish’ juvenile or equate it with being ‘emotionally stunted’.  (Seriously, while I can understand wanting equivalent terms we can use that are less likely to be dismissed by non-aros, I hope everyone will try to remember that dismissing words like ‘squish’ is really hypocritical when similar slang terms are widely in use for conveying romantic emotions and are not treated as childish.  It’s just another form of aromisia and one that is very easily internalized.)

Overall, the author seemed extremely open to understanding what aromanticism really is and the parts of her writing that conveyed amatanormative and aromisic sentiments could be put down to her simply still being ignorant on the subject.  It’s definitely a good starting point for non-aros to learn some of the basics about aromanticism.  I don’t know if I’d recommend this to someone trying to figure out if they themselves are aro, though.

[musicmixtapes]

October 10, 2018 Mix

Welcome to this week's installation of music! I loved finding tracks that blended well in terms of sound and meaning, as well as playing around with the pace of the pieces so not to cause monotony inside the eardrums. Enjoy and any suggestions/opinions, send my way

Spotify Playlist (Listen in order!) 1. Walls by The Lumineers - First off, can I just say how excited I am to see new music from a group who never seems to disappoint both my ears and my heart. While listening for the first time I thought, "Wow what a great song, but this sounds kind of familiar" so when I showed it to my mom she said "Of course it sounds familiar, it's a cover of one of Tom Petty's songs" and then it made my heart that much fuller knowing that. Petty is known to have the American writing way of describing through metaphor exactly how love and relationships feel at a moment suspended in time. Using that craftsmanship and words that cut to the bone, The Lumineers created a cover that is so folky and vulnerable sounding, I am sure that Petty would not be disappointed in it. 2.  I've Just Seen A Face by The Beatles - Continuing with classics that we may find hidden in corners of our mind, that pop out into existence from time to time, is this wonderful treasure from the Help! album, a beloved album to me and most of the world, I'm sure. I specifically chose this track because the title definitely created a supernatural element in my mind that translated to the feeling that love often gives, which is that it transcends regular human volition. It causes this reaction that cannot be expressed through regular conversation and absolutely needed to be sung about, which to me, is fantastic. Also, the really fast and frantic pace of the song adds to the urgency of the message of seeing someone in passing and instantly feeling a surge of love and the need to be with them at the moment. Falling in love is sometimes done in a slow motion type fall, but in this instance, it seems more immediate. 3. Moon Barks At The Dog by Saintseneca - The lyrical value that this song has is endless, and quite honestly, I could spend a long time doing an in depth analysis of this piece line by line, but for now I won't. The main thing I wanted to go in depth with a little bit is this image of the moon barking at the dog, which is just such a strange and abstract concept to grasp. Of course, the typical thing that someone would refer to is the dog barking at the moon, which is apparently a reference to the famous statement (I had no idea this existed): "It is common for the dog to bark at the moon, but if the moon barks back, the dog becomes famous." As a person who loves strange expressions, this has quickly become one of my favorites. There is also an entire verse that nods to Bruce Springsteen and his music not being the singer's cup of tea, which I disagree, but appreciate the reference anyway. 4. Los Ageless (cover) by The Wombats - I would say I'm sorry about including another version of the same song within two months, but I am not sorry at all because it is my firm belief that different versions of the same song can change it entirely and bring fresh perspective and possibly a new interpretation of meaning. Originally a St. Vincent song from her amazing album Masseducation, it was a more techno rock sound for sure, but this alternative group brought it down with a more acoustic sound fleshed out through it. I don't think the sound was altered so much that it changed the composition entirely, but the male voice for sure gave it a perspective which I was not expecting. To have a male singer express the notion "How could anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?" makes me feel a glimmer of hope to diminish toxic masculinity. 5. More Than Romantic Love by St. Lenox - I don't know exactly what to classify this as and to be fair, I'm not sure that putting this artist in a box would be serving him justice in any way. I felt that I was having a conversation with a fellow new yorker while really really cool, eclectic music was playing in the background. And I loved it. Just all of the references to living in a place in time where you are losing someone because you cannot accept the fact that they only want a platonic love, not romantic. This goes deeper though, and examines how to deal with someone who is going through personal struggle and how to reach them emotionally while being sensitive to their needs. St. Lenox has such a soulful conversational tone that speaks freely about mental health, breakup and the nervousness of the city, also shout out to Washington Square. He's an artist on the rise for sure. 6. This Is The Day by The The - This is a classic example of a song with an upbeat, generally happy sounding tune that literally step by step tells about the woes that a person with depression has to go through. It actually really reminded me of a Smiths song, where the mood totally does not match the words, and this is a trope I absolutely love to see in older music. The image of eyes being red and burning when seeing daylight is so profound because insomnia is one of the main traits of depression, so this feeling of always feeling tired in the daytime is so relatable to hear about in song, which I never have before. The synthesized sound and the acordion that are strung throughout the song really emphasize the dichotomy of the sound and feeling, which also add the layer of how you look on the outside doesn't always match how you are on the inside. 7. Greyhound by Calpurnia - Have you ever made future plans with someone you are in a relationship with, thinking that basically you'll be with them forever, and then suddenly, the time for that plan comes around, except you're not together anymore? Yeah? Me too, and apparently the writer of this song was in this exact position because that's essentially what it's about to put it in base question format. But what really satisfied me concerning this song was not the super relatable storyline aspect, but the sarcastic way of telling something pretty sad, which seemed like an epic breakup and heart break. The whole "hats of to you, for you to go" is so sassy and like a middle finger in the center of a song about still having feelings for an ex-love, which was so fun to see. I hope the subject of this song listened to this song. 8. 15 Minutes by The Strokes - Whenever asked my top favorite bands, they are always at the top of the list. I don't know exactly what resonates with me, but I have been trying to pin point the moodiness and exacerbated feelings for awhile that me and this band seems to always share. I think it's the way that Casablancas always mutters some really sad yet humorous things while hard core guitar comes in and really great drum beats and a bass line are right in line with it. This song is no exception because it totally defies the meaning of telling someone how you feel and being comfortable with oneself about it; if I may be so bold, I think it generally classifies how one with lots of anxiety would go about telling feelings from a real perspective, rather insecurely and with the approach of joking about emotions in a very honest way. 9. Think I'm Still In Love With You by Joyce Manor - A new album by an awesome punk, angsty, emo rock band, news I will never be upset to hear about. Specifically, this artist has so many different qualities going past the initial relatable angst you feel when listening to the many, many, many songs they have about not being able to get over something or feeling like a burden in someone else's life constantly. This song has a clear shift in feeling though because the uncertainty is definitely present in terms of wanting to still be in love with someone because of a past emotion, but now things seem a bit hazier and they aren't so sure if the feelings are still quite there. This song comes about midway through the album, a really great placement on their part because it signifies perhaps a shift in weather during a one sided relationship and perhaps things will change thereafter. 10. So Tied Up by Cold War Kids and Bishop Briggs - Oftentimes I speculate from an outsider's look at a song, and piece together the meaning in relation to both the music and my own life. In this instance, I didn't really have to do so because the artist actually shared exactly what his intentions were with the meaning behind this song. He said, "With every new relationship, you either talk about previous relationship stuff (warts and all), or you just pretend like they never existed. Both are kinda terrible. When you go the full disclosure route it’s probably sincere, maybe you’re even praised for your vulnerability. However, you know it’s probably gonna be used against you later, in a fight, in the worst way." So that's that, and in terms of the gospel vibes I received from this alt rock song, I am very happy and get really pumped walking down the street to it. 11. Days On A Wire by Case - This instantly gives me the image of watching a movie scene where one person is lovingly thinking about another and kind of like sitting on a train looking out the window and considering their feelings, all wrapped up in desire. So now that I have shared my mental scene, let me explain that the really awesome acoustic with horns sounds that are produced in this piece add to the love song vibes that is perceived while listening. Also, the singer's voice is super dreamy and light, at some points seeming like barely more than a whisper of phrases, adding to the whimsical elements involved in the song. Actually, the horns in this song kind of act as a guitar usually would in terms of a melodic riff that occurs between verses and choruses, and I love this difference of instruments, a unique sound. 12. In The Morning I'll Be Better by Tennis - Taking some else's pain away is the hardest thing to do, especially when it's something not curable by care and devotion on it's own, but that's precisely what the artist is intending to say in this piece, which is tragically beautiful. So originally, I perceived this to be about someone's mental anguish and a relationship of sorts attempting to remedy this suffering by acceptance and love. In fact, this is not what the artist meant, but it's still a cool interpretation if I do say so myself. It was revealed that the writer's friend was deemed terminally ill and this was their way of processing the emotions that go into realizing that someone is most likely not going to get better. It is a love song that goes beyond love, but more about the wanting to take someone's pain and endure it so they don't have to. 13. Clueless by The Marías - Yes, yes, yes. My exact thoughts when seeing that this group came out with new music, when listening to the first few bars of the song, and then again when hearing the song two full times through (once for sound and another for words and meaning). The palpable tension heard in the song is so real for so many people when having an argument and to match the tension is the dialoguing throughout that basically says they can't handle the ups and downs going through the relationship anymore. I read that this was inspired by a spat between the vocalist and her significant other, drummer-producer Josh Conway. This revelation was incredible because imagine being in a band and a relationship with someone and having to create music while a major fight is going on. Me neither. 14. Running by Nicotine's Famous Honey - If I could title this anything other than what it is, I would title it "The Art of Just Barely Getting By In Our Fucked Up World" but that would not be as aesthetic as this aptly titled name. In the past, I have publicly argued against certain styles of music, simply because I knew less about music and didn't listen to enough genres on a regular basis. I am still trying to broaden my horizons, especially in terms of R&B and the Hip Hop genre in general, but this under emphasized artist is such a beautiful example of taking one genre that is criticized for being cliched and overdone and taking it to a whole different level. I love this combination of dream-pop, low-fi indie and hip hop and R&B all in one piece, and if you haven't looked into them, definitely check out some of their other music, it is so enticing. 15. Weird Honey by Elvis Depressedly - I'm taking the meaning of this song entirely from the artist because I think it can be interpreted a hundred different ways, depending on who you are thinking about while listening to it and what kind of mental state you are in too. Also we love to see an iconic guitar riff thrown in sporadically to a pretty sad low fi rock song, so that's a pretty cool spot in hell. The meaning though: "I lied before. It’s just an homage to Jesus and Mary Chain, and has no direct meaning. This is a love song so it could be seen as a pet name, or even a symbol of a love that is strange and new but full of sweetness. I find it incredibly strange that so many people have interpreted this song to be so negative, or even a break up song, when it’s the opposite. It’s a song about new love." There you have it. 16. Wings In All Black by Gregory Alan Isakov - If you are looking for an acoustic folk artist who puts emphasis on literally every single word and note of a song, look no further, he is right here, and also in my soul forever. Hailing from his brand new album, is this gem which sinks your heart to your stomach almost immediately upon listening. I believe this to be about having to rise up out of a really dark time in your life, despite not wanting to, the fact that instead of feeding the beast of loss, you have to grow wings of your own and fight against the demons you are experiencing. The image of having "wings in black" is a nod to the struggle between staying down in a bad place and having to come out of it no matter how impossible it seems at the time. I am now noticing a lot of these songs have to do with dealing with loss and mental health day by day, which is very important. 17. Should I by Arum Rae - I have to give entire props and credits for this song to my wonderful mother, who is always good for sending me songs to listen to on a weekly basis. Particularly, I first heard this song on my ferry ride home to New Jersey for the first time since leaving for college this year, so it has earned a really special place in my heart for the year. The piano is so present in this song, which as I have mentioned in previous posts, you don't get to see a lot in newer slow songs, which have become taken over by guitar a lot of the times. Also, Rae's voice questioning her every move and overthinking all her choices for the future is so heart felt and honest that you can't help but empathize with these feelings. The message of the song is maybe taking things one step at a time is the healthiest thing you can do when things get overwhelming in life. Yes. 18. How by Daughter - Ok, so finding out that most of the songs I have chosen for this week's mix surround the topics of loss and grieving past versions of self has become super illuminating in terms of my own maturation process. Staying topic though, this group always sheds light on the painful emotions rather than the pleasurable ones, which sometimes creates a dreary mood, but I like to view it as not being afraid to voice some negativity in order to clear it out of one's mind, which many people are apprehensive to do. This song describes pain as being in slow motion and I can't explain why that is true, but it is. The lines "hold me back, hold me back" in reference to wanting to go get someone that they have lost is so crucial to the theme of the song which is moving on from something while still having regrets in regards to the situation, feeling cheated or let down by someone. 19. Killer by Phoebe Bridgers - This playlist began with this song all by it's lonesome, but all along I knew that the rest of the pieces would be built around this, so I guess this has to be the reason why all the songs are so deeply related with one another. You may be thinking, wow I can't believe this song is about one's own death, this is really morose and ominous. Yes, I totally agree and think that it's really sad and death related, but knowing that it goes deeper than that is really vital to appreciating it's beauty. This is about a relationship being buried away and while doing so, dredging up all the past memories of loving a person. There is no remedy for knowing that two people are too much for one another, but this soulful lament is definitely a start. Also, Bridgers has noted that this song is in reference to Ryan Adams, famed songwriter who had a short fling with her when she was pretty young. 20. WALLS by Kings Of Leon - I did this on purpose, I made the first and last song both titled "walls" for a particular reason. I think they both serve very different purposes and perspectives to the metaphorical walls that are being broken down and simultaneously built up within a relationship. In the covered song that the Lumineers did, we see a shift to a more positive message of hearts having walls and climbing them is a struggle, but that it is worth it for the love we get to experience on the other side of it. In contrast, this very low tempo song (especially for Kings of Leon) is about kind of the exact opposite. This is about a man's ego being utterly shattered, exemplifying walls being torn down, in order to love a woman who just took his heart with her when she left. I don't think it's all sad though; I think this experience of walls coming down around someone to experience true loss of a person is so important for personal growth and strength. Thanks for listening and reading into things really deeply with me, catch you next week! Love & Listening,

Julia 

[whichwitchami]

I’ve been thinking a lot about self growth lately.

A LOT has happened in my life the past year and a half and especially in the last week, and its all got me thinking about self growth. So have a little rambly post under the cut: 

tl/dr version: self growth is super subtle man. You may not realize how much strength you have or how much growth you have done, so give yourself credit even if you think you haven’t done much lately. 

I was at fave shop last night. I impulsively bought a new set of runes (they were bone runes with super neat, bold, clean lines for the rune shapes which make them super easy to read!!!) Well there are several major players at fave shop, the most important to this story being the owner and her husband. Mr. Shop owner saw me playing with the runes and came over to talk to me about how cool they were. I told him I wanted to start using them at the shop when I read every Friday because they were more ‘authentic’. I LOVE my current set of runes but if you’re going for a vibe....bone runes are pretty good. 

He just kinda grinned at me and in a very ‘proud father’ kind of way said “You’ve really come so far.” and at first I didn’t know what he meant. He followed up with “a year ago I wouldn’t have seen you doing this, planning ahead for readings for other people.” and he’s right. A year ago I would have meekly sat in the corner of the shop watching other readers succeed, but be too shy to even consider reading for someone else. I hadn’t really thought about this as self growth, it was just kind of something that I was doing now. 

Self growth can really surprise you....Another thing that I’ve spent a huge part of the last year and a half trying to work on is knowing my own worth. I’m super insecure in a lot of ways. I need near constant reassurance from loved ones that they actually like me in their life and aren’t just hanging out with me because they pity me. I have a hard time rocking the boat or standing up for what I deserve because I fear that being bold and ‘confrontational’ will make me  undesirable as a friend/ partner/ whatever. 

Those insecurities won’t go away any  time soon. I’m still gonna have to put time and effort into challenging them. Some of them come from anxiety and depression. Some of them come from years of socialization that ‘women’ aren’t supposed to do anything to make them noticed, take up as little space as possible, be the peacekeeper, make sure everyone is taken care of before you take care of yourself. No one person gave me those expectations, I want to make that clear. Just society as a whole, especially in the smack dab middle of the Midwestern United States (Thanks Iowa values. Y’know I love my home state but....) 

I surprised myself a lot this past week. Some really unexpected events occurred that hit me like a ton of bricks (Nothing scary right...like my health is fine, my family is fine, just....relationships...that’s all I’m sayin’). After spending some time going through the typical stages of grief (which I’m still cycling through) I came to the realization that I am a LOT stronger and a LOT more confident than I realized. 

I think back to who I was 10 years ago when I was last in a situation where a relationship fell apart. I was a wreck, and I wasn’t strong enough to see my own self worth. I don’t want to get into too many details of either situation, but I let myself believe that I was worthy of what I was getting 10 years ago, despite that wholly not being true. I was a doormat so to speak, letting this guy walk all over me and break my heart over and over. I had thought that I was doing something similar now, but on a much smaller scale if that makes sense, and not just with any one relationship, with all of my relationships, platonic or romantic. 

Nah fam. My reaction to this latest bombshell surprised me more than the bombshell itself. I have so much more confidence and understanding of my worth that I realized. I think back to who I was 10 years ago and who I am now and the difference is night and day. I am so much stronger and so much more confident than I was at 15. I have a ways to go yet but I am in a much better place now. 

So here’s my whole point to this rambly rant: self growth sneaks up on you. You may not realize how much you are growing and changing. It’s so easy to focus on “I still have so much _______” and see your continued ‘shortcomings’. In some ways those will always be there. We’re only human right? We’re always going to have negativity and unhealthy thoughts to work through. The trick isn’t conquering them completely, the trick is realizing that we are so much more capable of handling them than the last time the Universe challenged us. That’s what real self growth looks like. Subtle, behind the scenes, there to support you when you haven’t even realized how much you have grown. 

[lolbtsaus]

Player!Jin

It is time for the next series, which I’m really excited for bc this is so different from what I believe BTS is like, it’s gonna be a player/fuckboy type of series bc that series won the poll so without further ado, to start us off as he always does is one member of the hyung line, a total sweetheart with such a goofy personality, I love that Jin has come out of his shell so much recently, I love the flying kiss bit he does all the time, I love seeing him be loud and not be afraid to make weird faces I just love him, Kim Seokjin aka Jin (also happy Transgender Day of Visibility!!)

This is gonna include a bit of college!Jin (here) just to set the scene a bit more

Okay so I gotta do some visuals first bc I’m so ready for this shit

Choppy fringe!Jin is cute as fuck but I’m gonna throw the war of hormone look into this bc it is such a good look, it was fluffy haired!Jin, it was puppy!Jin, it looked so cute on him

He has a stage where he dyes his hair blonde and everyone is super heart eyes and then he dyes his hair gray and everyone !!!! bc have you ever seen gray haired!Jin that’s some good shit

Jin is such boyfriend material, from the way he acts to the way he dresses

He’s got a super cute style, he’s always in these really comfy looking clothes but when Jin wear black jeans mmhmm that’s some top quality shit but then again, anything Jin is top quality

He can make any outfit look niCE that should be considered a talent at this point bc he could probably wear neon pink and still look adorable and boyfriend as fuck

There’s this one airport outfit that he wore that i s fuckboy!Jin, it looks like it may be from the Danger era?? idk but he’s in these black jeans and a white t-shirt with what I assume is the brand name on it and he has a black snapback and some black sneakers and he even had a lil backpack and it’s just wow 10000/10

Typically he does for the sweater and jeans look but occasionally, the snapbacks come out and

I don’t think Jin would ever purposely play with people’s emotions just for the hell of it so he’s not the type of fuckboy that just wants to hit it and quit it or drag people along

He likes to date, that’s his thing

He has a different date almost every time and things never get serious bc he's got his major to focus on

He mainly goes on dates to help de-stress bc he gets to go sit down and talk and get to know people but things never go past the third date bc that’s when his dates tend to start asking the “are we together” question and he hates having to say no

Typically, what happens is he spends a week with his dates, he’ll take them out on one or two dates within the week and then try to dial it back to friendship again or sometimes have to cut it off if they don’t wanna be friends

He’s never been in a serious relationship, all of his relationships have been just casual, we’re kinda together but we’re kinda not type of relationships

He’s the type of player that you don’t realize is a player at first

Like he’s so friendly and sweet and he really is genuine about his interest in his dates but it’s just he doesn’t want anything serious and he’s not afraid to make that clear in the nicest way he possibly can

He doesn’t enjoy the “breaking up” part, sometimes he’ll even do his best to keep things friendly so his dates can’t even fully tell if it’s a date or if it’s just two friends hanging out 

No one seems to hate him despite knowing very well he’s got another date already planned and he builds a reputation of casual dating so typically, people going on dates with him know that it’s not gonna go far

Of course, he’s had a couple of people who are less than happy with him for disappearing after the second or third date

He is a sweetheart, he’s always such a gentleman about everything, he opens every door, pulls out every chair, always brings a flower for his date, he just doesn’t take things very seriously

He’s a really friendly kid so it doesn’t take long for people to grow interested in him and start flirting and he joins in and things just go from there

A bit of a flirt tbh

Loves winking when he notices someone looking at him, blows kisses at his dates, super affectionate all the time

Jin is such an affectionate person, he loves having his arm around someone, he loves hand holding, he loves giving their cheeks lil kisses, he’s a really charming person naturally so when he actually tries to be flirty it’s game over, they’re head over heels at that point

He’s a cooking major so he uses that to his advantage and will prepare picnics for his dates or make dinner/lunch bc there’s something really romantic about a home cooked meal on a date

You two are friends, he’s not your best friend in the entire world but he’s always fun to sit next to in classes, you’ve had more than a few together and he always seems to end up in the seat next to or behind you

You’ve heard about his reputation, that he doesn’t really call back after a couple dates and that he’s always got something planned with someone

So when he starts acting a bit more flirty in one of your classes, you don’t think much of it and ignore it for the most part bc you already know if you do go out with him, you’re gonna really really like him and it’s gonna sting when he cuts it off

But it’s also really hard to not develop a crush on him when he’s so goofy and sweet and gentle with everything he does, he grabbed your hand to help you out of your seat once and his hands were so warm and soft and he squeezed your fingers before letting go and all you could think about was holding his hand bc that’s a really nice thought

It’s the day of finals and Jin offers to make you some dinner to celebrate making it through finals season and you figure since summer’s coming up and there’s not a hu ge chance that you’ll get another class with him next term, you might as well go for it

He’d been flirting with you all term, which he’s not fully used to, normally people are pretty quick to say yes to the date so he does get a bit flustered when you say yes and that’s actually really cute to see Mr. I have a different date every week blush and get this huge smile on his face when you say yes

He sets up this cute lil date area on the rooftop of his apartment complex, he has some fairy lights lighting the area up, he has a big warm blanket with tons of pillows, he has dinner all ready to go and he’s actually kinda nervous??? since when does he get nervous he does this shit all the time this is nothing new to him

He’s s o sweet the entire date and it’s really personal bc it’s just you two and the view with the blanket and pillows to cuddle with and you find him really funny and you say yes without hesitation when he offers a second date and then that turns into a third date

After that third date, he finds himself still texting you, which is also v e ry new, he doesn’t try to be platonic, he doesn’t try to cut things off, he just keeps flirting and planning more and more dates and it turns into a summer romance and now it’s his turn to ask the infamous “what are we” question

"If you promise I’ll be your only date, I’d say you’re my boyfriend”

“I can definitely do that”