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dalekofchaos · 4 years ago

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Rian Johnson did Finn dirty and we gotta stop pretending he didn’t

Every now and then I am reminded how I hate how dirty Finn was done in the Sequel Trilogy. TFA started it, but TLJ continued it. JJ started it with the bait and switch, Rian continued by making sure Finn would remain a side character, which JJ would finalize in TROS.

Like I like TLJ for the visuals and Rey and Ben’s dynamic, but let’s be clear. It absolutely did nothing for Finn, Poe or Rose. Pretty much all the characters of color were given the shaft.(and one of them didn’t even get any speaking lines, NO I WILL NEVER NOT BE MAD ABOUT THIS)

Let’s take a look at what Rian Johnson did with Finn

Finn is repeatedly harmed for comedic effect. Most of his important scenes were either cut or rewritten. He is constantly belittled and mocked throughout the movie.

The beginning of Finn in the movie. Finn awakens from his coma. Does he struggle to come to terms with his near-death experience? Is he fearful that Rey is dead and he failed her? Is he scared, in pain? Nope. He falls on his face and squirts juice everywhere. The medics on-duty were on a coffee break and allowed their patient to wander the fucking halls unattended. And with that, his duel with Kylo is worthless and made a joke to laugh at.

Finn’s deleted scenes. The deleted opening where Finn wakes up. Finn and Poe’s scene on the Raddus where Finn declares he’s not joining The Resistance, but Poe simply says “you are where you belong” and hands him his coat after stitching it up for him. Then the scene where BB-8 shows Finn Rey’s last moment with Finn. Then the deleted scene with the one Stormtrooper where Finn shows restraint. and Finally the scene that shows a better death scene for Phasma......why were any of these scenes deleted? ESPECIALLY THE PHASMA ONE! I will never understand why this was deleted. Finn calls her out about her betrayal of lowering the shields and when this information is revealed, the Stormtroopers near her look suspicious and it looks as if they are going to turn on her. Phasma like the ultimate survivalist she is kills them with no hesitation. Finn cuts her hand off and blasts her into the abyss, giving Phasma a more deserving and better send off. Seriously, this is way better than their actual confrontation. What I really like about this scene is its direct connection to The Force Awakens plot point and that it acknowledges Phasma’s survivalist attitude which was introduced into her novel.

Finn’s injuries do not get attention, but Kylo’s injuries do. In The Force Awakens, Finn fights Kylo Ren. He does well, but is ultimately defeated. He is slashed in the shoulder and the spine by Kylo Ren and falls into the snow, unconscious. Now if this were in the first 6 movies, Finn would be dead or would be paralyzed. But because it’s a Disney movie, Finn heals up. Rey continues the fight and slashes Ren across the face, leaving him with a gash. The characters all escape, but Finn has to be carried to a medical station, unconscious until TLJ. Kylo Ren seems fine, ultimately jumping in a TIE fighter to try and kill his mom before getting patched up further. Finn, again, has to wake up before doing anything. Here’s the difference between Finn and Kylo’s injuries. Finn awakens in a medical bed wearing a bacta suit. His first instinct is to call out for Rey. As he jolts up, he slams his head against the medical container. He slams against it again. Regaining awareness, he opens up the medical container to find himself alone in a cargo room. He falls out of the bed, spraying medical fluids all over the place. He trudges down the hallway until Poe and BB-8 find him. His injuries are never mentioned, shown, or even referenced again. Kylo, on the other hand, is asked by Snoke how his wound is, to which he responds “it’s nothing.” He then takes that ridiculous thing off, complete with a close-up of a sad kylo Ren face, with his sutures framed to draw attention to them. This happens again in the elevator. Then we get a scene of him getting patched up soberly by a medical droid. Then we get a shirtless scene as a final showcase of his other two scars. Throughout the film, Kylo’s scars are present and framed as a constant reminder that he went through pain. Finn’s injuries are used as a joke once and promptly forgotten, and let’s not pretend that these injuries are one-to-one aside from how they’re framed. Remember Finn received injuries trying to protect Rey, while Kylo received injuries trying to murder Finn and bring Rey before Snoke, a fate worse than death. Finn received a deep wound across his spine, which can often be fatal in the real world. Kylo received a gash across his face. Finn’s injuries were worse and nobly gained. Kylo’s injuries were comparatively tame and well deserved. Yet the movie uses Finn’s pain as a joke, and Kylo’s pain as a humanizing factor. That Rey, as well as the director, cinematographer, and a considerable portion of the audience sees a scar and is willing to find sympathy with the person, no matter what they have done, is pretty reprehensible. Not only is Kylo Ren’s scar not enough to be considerably a change to his appearance, as Rian Johnson specifically modified the location of his scar because, “it looked goofy,” the scar is not the mark of an accident or from an assault, but rather from a failed assault on his part. Also, I could get into how messed up it is that scars that don’t fit Rian Johnson’s preferred model are considered goofy. Is a scar that isn’t kept to one side of the face not worth showing? Is a person with a scar you don’t personally like somehow less able to be taken seriously? By treating Kylo’s minor wounds as a big, life-changing deal, and treating Finn’s life-threatening wounds as a trivial matter of no more consequence than a joke, The Last Jedi reinforces century-old stereotypes about Black people. Specifically, it implies that Black people are somehow less affected by pain, have higher pain tolerances, or cannot be physically damaged the way White people can. This is a demonstrated, dangerous trend, where white people actually perceive Black people as experiencing less pain than White people under the same situations. Older textbooks, including some used as recently as late 2017, suggest Black people over-report the pain that they are experiencing. Doctors have declined to give painkillers to Black patients expressing the same level of discomfort that would grant a White patients the same painkillers, and some surgeons even believe that less anesthesia is needed for operations on Black people. This, of course, goes beyond the medical field, where Black people are not believed when they speak about suffering, and are expected to take more physical abuse than their White counterparts. However as the injuries are framed in a medical setting in this movie, I wanted to primarily address the medical bias as in the real world. This has been referred to as an empathy gap. When two people are hurt, with everything except the skin colour being the same, and White people feel worse for the hurt White person, there is a gap in empathy. Now, when the conditions are not the same, and the White person deserves to be hurt, and is hurt much less, and is still empathized with more, and the White man’s acts of attempted murder are framed as romance, while the Black man’s friendship is framed as harassment. Let’s also talk about Finn’s treatment. He’s placed alone in a room filled with cargo, without any monitoring. It’s almost like the medical staff doesn’t even deem his injury serious enough to receive attention. He’s not on the medical ship, which we know they have. He’s not even in the Raddus’s Medical Bay, which, again, we know they have. Finn is isolated, left unattended, injures himself, and stumbles out into the hallway without any assistance. All for a joke. Finn’s injury should have been treated with respect and acknowledgement. A scene with the doctors examining his injuries, telling Finn he is medically clear to join The Resistance and Finn sorrowed by his inability to help his friends, would have been light-years better than a scene where Kylo looks sad getting hurt while trying to kill people.

Finn’s rivalry with Kylo Ren drops instantly. Like Finn’s injuries, Finn’s rivalry with Kylo Ren is dropped for no reason whatsoever and never mentioned again. Finn and Kylo Ren are narrative foils, yet after TFA it’s dropped??? From the start they have been prominent foils to each other: dark from light and light from dark, both in the First Order but in drastically different positions. And Kylo too obviously has strong feelings about his defection. I also believe that Finn is the awakening in the force that Kylo and Snoke felt. Perhaps that is why Kylo focused on Finn and is so angry about him. Finn is also the first person to use the legacy lightsaber and is the first to actually fight Kylo. TLJ could've focused on Finn and Kylo being narrative foils having a force connection and Kylo wondering why Finn would switch to the Resistance while Finn wonders why Kylo joined The First Order and Rey standing in the middle of it all wondering with the new realization that her family has a mixed past of good and evil and her questioning where exactly does she belong? The way at the height of tfa when Kylo Ren rejected Han Solo’s offer for redemption and killed him he looked over and noticed Finn. Like they both locked eyes and in that moment was a surge of emotions between them— shock (and some fear) on Finn’s end, and anger on Kylo’s as he shouts at Finn that he’s a traitor— and those circumstances set Finn and Kylo up to be the dynamic for the sequel trilogy. They were foils, and the trilogy had the potential to truly expand on that and see their development in a final standoff/rematch at the very end. But it was wasted, because why have good movies.

Finn repeats the character arc from the last movie. Finn’s character arc from The Force Awakens was dropped completely in The Last Jedi. He does want Rey to be safe, but TLJ paints it as if Finn just wants to run away, despite the fact that he learned to be courageous, face his fears and stay and fight at the end of TFA. The First Order kidnapped Finn as a child, from his family(possibly killed his family) he was able to leave The First Order and resist the indoctrination. He no longer wanted to fight, he wanted to leave everything, he wanted Rey to come with him. When Rey was captured, Finn had something to fight for and when Kylo Ren pushed her. Finn finally stood up to his past and The First Order. He overcame his fear. So Finn should have been wanting to fight The First Order and become a big deal in The Resistance, we could have even seen Finn inspiring a Stormtrooper rebellion against Phasma and The First Order. Finn just wanting to leave is just bad writing and backtracks his entire character arc from TFA.

Went from one of the major focuses of this trilogy to a side character. Finn is the very reason why The Resistance is alive. Finn breaks his life-long brainwashing, informs Rey and Han about the importance of BB-8 and helps out in getting BB-8 to the resistance and provides vital information that lead to the destruction of STB and gets nearly killed while helping to achieve this. If it were not for Finn saving Poe, BB-8 would’ve been scrapped for parts and Rey never would’ve left Jakku. The map would either be destroyed or be in the hands of The First Order. Starkiller Base would’ve destroyed D’Qar and Ach-To. He is the reason why Poe is still alive. He is the reason why BB-8 isn’t parts and Rey left Jakku. Because of leaving Jakku, this is the sole reason why Han and Chewie were able to find the Falcon. And he is the reason why The Resistance was able to find out about Starkiller Base’s weakness. he Helps out in sabotaging STB so that Poe, the very pilot he saved in the beginning can deliver the finishing blow to Starkiller Base and destroy it completely. In the Last Jedi, Finn awakes from a coma with no one attending him. No medics or guards. He's not even on a medship, he's in the fucking cargo hold. Finn recovering from his injuries is meant to be seen as a joke and his injuries are never mentioned again, while Kylo gets sympathy and shown his scars. There was also no marketing for Finn in the build up to TLJ. Despite Finn knowing that the First Order must be fought and knows there is something bigger than himself and Rey, we then see Finn attempting to flee in an escape pod to hide with Rey. Then he meets Rose. Rose in mourning meets Finn and expects him to be this big Resistance hero, only Finn never officially became one. Rose thought he was deserting. Finn wants to escape to save Rey and because The Supremacy is tracking them through hyperspace, but Rose sees this as desertion….Desertion? You taze people for desertion? How exactly am I supposed to root for either side again? This is probably the same only less lethal treatment one could expect from The First Order. And what if The Raddus took critical damage? Are you trying to tell me Rose would taze anyone going to the escape pods? I thought she was supposed to be a mechanic, not someone who prevents escape. Despite Finn explaining himself, she tazes him. She spends the majority of the movie berating, insulting and belittling him. It's even worse in the novel. Finn, who was the main focus of the last movie, and one of the main protagonists, is now made the sidekick to Rose in a pointless side plot. Finn and Rose then get caught because none of them could bother park their ship legally. Finn, the child slave doesn’t even get to say they should save the child slaves of Canto Bight, instead he blindly follows Rose into freeing the space horses. Then they openly trusts a man who talks like a snake and is shocked when DJ betrays them. Finn and Rose are made to fail their mission pointlessly, when they could've succeeded and get caught on the way to the escape pods. Finn gets to face his oppressor and fight Phasma and end her, but Phasma's better death scene was stupidly cut for reasons I don't understand. Finn then makes one last effort to save The Resistance, the people he loves. Rose stops him. She takes one last chance to insult him and kiss him without his consent as the bunker is destroyed while The First Order prepares to kill what Finn loves....and people see this as love???

The racist undertones of how RIan Johnson wrote Finn. Finn is treated like a racist slapstick caricature. The first real problem for Finn. He is reduced to a slapstick joke in his very first scene. Finn awakens from his coma, slams his face and it is revealed that he isn’t even on the medical ship or even in the medbay on the Raddus...he is in the cargo hold and is made to be a joke. This is the Co-protagonist of the trilogy, and he’s reintroduced as a slapstick joke. Then once again he wants to runaway. I am getting a real racist vibe that Rian Johnson sees Finn as the cowardly black man troupe. That’s just downright disgusting. Moving on. Finn is paired with Rose Tico, honestly I want to like her, but bad writing prevents that. Finn is put with someone who abuses him and we are supposed to root for this and see it as romance? Let me explain. Finn is then tazed by Rose, which is understandable, she thought he was running away and she was in mourning. He also was objectively posing absolutely no threat to her, wasn’t running away, and was even trying to explain himself. Additionally, just the threat of the taser seemed to have been enough to stop him from leaving. But Rose attacked him anyways. The difference between Rey and Rose attacking Finn is Rey subdued Finn just enough to stop and interrogate him, Rose went completely overboard by paralyzing him and knocking him unconscious. It was completely unnecessary and gratuitous. Rey and Finn have a real friendship and partnership from the last movie. Rose, on the other hand, spends the rest of the movie belittling Finn and talking down to him. The book also says that she thought about using violence against him more than once after the tasing (for annoying her) and even pushed him. This displays a really problematic pattern of violence and disrespect towards Finn so yeah, multiple uses of violence and expressed desire to inflict violence on him as being abusive. I would argue that she is undeniably verbally abusive with Finn. In the movie and in the book (more so in the book) she often belittles him by calling him names and using other put downs. It seems she wants to make him feel bad about himself and bring him down, which is abusive. Of course, it doesn’t really matter what her intent is, even if she doesn’t “mean to be mean” it still counts as verbal abuse. So, in summary, her repeated threats and use of violence against Finn and her continual use of insults and put downs causes me to come to the conclusion that she is abusive to Finn. For the record I am not saying Rose Tico is abusive towards Finn, I am saying how Rian wrote Rose towards Finn is hostile for no reason whatsoever and could be interpreted as abusive and it’s downright tone deaf how the abuse and tazing is directed at the black man of the trilogy. Then Finn is made to fail. The only time he is allowed to be portrayed as a protagonist is him facing his abuser and taking her down. My only problem is they cut out Phasma’s better death scene. Finn reveals Phasma shut down the shields for Starkiller Base, and that gets the Stormtroopers to turn on Phasma. This is what I would hope starts a Stormtrooper Rebellion. Finn’s defection was withheld information by Hux and Phasma in fear of a full on rebellion. Humanizing Stormtroopers and having one become a hero is kind of genius, but the way they did it in Episode 7 made it seem like Finn was the ONLY good Stormtrooper, which has to be an impossibility. If one Stormtrooper can suddenly switch sides, what's to say that others couldn't? And since Episode IX will most likely see the fall of the First Order, I personally think that Finn should convince all (or most of) the Stormtroopers to turn against Kylo and Hux, leading to a cool final scene where the First Order is ultimately destroyed by their own henchmen, children who were abducted and indoctrinated take back their narrative. That would be cooler and more unique, I think, than another Resistance vs. First Order space shootout, or Rey and her possible Jedi apprentice army taking them down. The most insulting part of the movie is the last part. Finn’s suicide run. Finn was the best Stormtrooper and knows about The First Order’s weapons, he should know full well that speeder would be destroyed trying to destroy the mini death star. Finn’s attempted sacrifice was pointless, Finn was treated like garbage throughout the movie, he deserved better.

Finn was almost a big deal for the Resistance in the beginning. It is shown through cut material that Finn was in Cobalt Squadron uniform. If this was the case, there is something real simple they could’ve done. Have Finn be with Paige, have Paige and Finn have a short friendship(this actually gives Ngo Thanh Van speaking lines), Paige being in awe that Finn, someone who escaped The First Order helped The Resistance destroy Starkiller Base is working with him and she is more than happy to show him the ropes. They are co-pilots. Finn was able to save Paige from dying in space and instead she dies in his arms while leaving a bloody handprint on his heart, working as a callback to when Slip died in Finn’s arms and left a bloody handprint on his helmet and her last words being “tell my sister I love her. Finn brings the bad news to Rose and gives Rose Paige’s pendant. Rose breaks down and hugs Finn. Both Finn and Rose have a good relationship at this point and there is no pointless hostility. You could even have Finn and Rose together finding the hacker and having their plan succeed and just having DJ betray them as they make it to the escape pod. And Finn and Phasma do have their fight, but keep in the deleted Phasma death scene. Instead of that? Nothing and instead of that we get a conflicting and hostile relationship between Finn and Rose and Paige has no speaking lines.

Rian Johnson rejected any and every possible character arc for Finn. Rian squandered a proactive, clearly-defined character from TFA, trying to make him fit moment after moment because he had no real big-picture idea what to do with this guy. And in light of Rian presenting himself as a progressive voice, he deserves to be challenged on why he failed a complex, heroic black character so abysmally while giving clear focus and dignity to the white male villain of the piece. (And this isn’t to say I want Kylo Ren’s character development to be worse, it’s saying I want Finn’s to be better.) But he shouldn’t just have treated Finn with care and dignity because it would’ve been more “progressive” - he should’ve done it because it would’ve made a better MOVIE.

Finn is brought to a white man, put on his knees, and is slapped in the face by said white man who once commanded him. Why? No Answers

Rian Johnson had Finn and Rose arrested and locked in a prison cell. Him and Rose are the only characters to be arrested (as in, not kidnapped by evil regime) in the Skywalker saga. PLUS they were immediately electrocuted after being pointed out to the space cops.

Rian admitted not wanting Finn and Poe together because he can't see them as two separate characters(he can't see two men of color as two different characters, let that sink in) and because in his words they "got along too well" and Rose is only there to give Finn 'conflict" We were robbed of Finn and Poe being boyfriends. I love Rose Tico as a character, but I will always want Finn and Poe to be together, aside from the amazing chemistry Finn and Poe have together and John and Oscar have together, if we get to see a gay relationship portrayed in Star Wars, it will show boys and girls who are gay that nothing is wrong with you, you are perfect the way they are and the way they love is beautiful. Oscar Isaac fought to have Finn/Poe together, he encouraged the shippers that the relationship they want is valid and supports it. And I feel so bitter after finding out Finn and Poe were meant to have scenes together in Canto Bight but were separated because Rian Johnson said “those two were getting along too well and that would be boring” aka Disney doesn’t want gay characters in their cash cow. Despite Oscar’s fight, FInnpoe did not happen and it’s a damn shame.

Rian Johnson joked about keeping Finn in a coma

Rian had a scene written where Finn was too bumbling/confused to know how to put on a tuxedo. He also had a scene where he sees alien ass unconsensually.

Finn’s suicide run. Finn knows about the weapon during his time as a Stormtrooper, so he should know full well that speeder would be destroyed trying to destroy the mini death star. Finn’s attempted sacrifice was pointless as he knew that it wouldn’t work.

Rian has Rose explain to Finn, A CHILD SOLDIER, that war and child slavery are wrong. Surely you see the issue there.

Finn almost had memories of his upbringing, but Rian chose to cut it. "In the original scene, Rose’s story of her childhood was a bit tamer and Finn shared his backstory with her, revealing a further connection between the two characters – that they both had family members taken by the First Order. Most of the sequence was reshot."

Rose stopping Finn. “that’s how we win, not by fighting what we hate, by saving what we love.” That makes no sense and ignores the entire narrative of Star Wars and heroism of the saga. Paige, her sister sacrificed herself to save The Resistance. Holdo sacrificed herself to save The Resistance. The Rogue One crew sacrificed themselves. Kanan Jarrus sacrificed himself to save what he loved. Finn’s entire arc in the movie was learning not to just think about running away with Rey and fight for a greater cause and when the time comes for Finn to prove that he’s grown as a character, he can’t? What was the point of Finn’s arc in the movie? And let’s talk about Poe. Shouldn’t Poe be sacrificing himself? Poe has spent the entire film watching others die and give their lives and he’s never backed down, so shouldn’t Poe be in Finn’s place? And if Rose stopped Finn who would save The Resistance? We saw after Rose stopped Finn, the bunker was blown up by the battering ram. Absolutely NO ONE knew that Luke was going to make his surprise entrance and save everyone. For all we knew, The First Order would’ve moved into the bunker and killed everyone and The Resistance.

I am well aware that JJ Abrams did Finn no better, I even talked about it here. But let’s be honest, Rian didn’t know what to do with Finn and truly did him dirty.

This was really the easiest character arc for them to write. Indoctrinated Child Soldier turned Elite Soldier who after realizing what he was doing was wrong, wants to make things right, hunted by the FO for treason and because he knows too much, he slowly finds his path with the resistance and trains in the force with Rey and together they rise as the new Jedi, oh and Poe is his boyfriend.

It is my own personal headcanon that The force chooses Finn because he chose empathy for his fallen brother and chose to walk away from killing innocents.

Finn had potential to be one of the best characters we ever got in Star Wars. It’s been over 3 years since he was sidelined in the sequel trilogy and it still upsets me to this day. John really deserved better, to be marketed like this and then sidelined is just awful.

Finn in The Force Awakens: trooper number as call back to Leia, Awakening in the Force, & call to the hero’s journey/defending the symbolic hope of the Skywalker family is peak Star Wars & whatever was Abram’s original intent for Finn’s prominence in the ST; undone by studio interference because KK and China did not want a black lead.

Finn was the literal 1st face we saw when they teased The Force Awakens, it's clear he was supposed to lead the way for the future of Star Wars, criminal what they did to the character and god forbid a person of color saves the galaxy because some of ya’ll can't handle it

Finn was setup as the male lead and co-protagonist of the sequel trilogy. That’s not an opinion, that’s not a headcanon, that’s a literally fact. He was set up to be equal with Rey & Kylo’s foil and we all know why that changed.

At the start of the trilogy, we all thought people of color would have a prominent role in the new trilogy and there was a potential for the first LGBT relationship in Star Wars. But no, it’s clear that both TLJ and TROS gave us the impression that only white people can be Jedi and save the galaxy, people of color can only have secondary roles. And the blink and you miss it kiss? Only white women, not two men of color who clearly love each other.

Finn deserved to be a main character alongside Rey and Ben. He deserved a good character development, a great arc, an interesting backstory. he had the potential to become one of the most epic star wars characters. TLJ and TROS was an insult for him and he deserved better. nobody will EVER change my mind.

Finn should have been a Stormtrooper turned Jedi. It doesn’t matter that you think it tells a better story for him to not be a Jedi. “Finn being a hero who is not a Jedi is important.” Poe and Rose are great examples of ordinary heroes coming from nowhere. Rey was supposed to be a jedi related to Skywalker or Kenobi legacy while Finn was the perfect "nobody from nowhere" that becomes a Jedi. And honestly, Black kids deserved to see themselves in the Black Jedi and black kids deserved to see themselves as one of the three protagonists of the trilogy.

#Star Wars #Finn #Finnpoe #Finnrey #Reylo

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sifeng · 4 years ago

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Review: Love and Redemption

While I first started watching this drama out of pure curiosity of why people claimed it to be “the second most tragic drama” (after GMP, of course). While there are certainly aspects of this show that could be better, I find it fair to claim that it is a wonderfully made xianxia, and certainly one of the best in the genre within this decade.

Plot:

According to legends, the god of war saved the heavens in a deadly battle against the demon a thousand years ago. Both fell from the heavens and disappeared from the world. Chu Xuan Ji was born to the world lacking in the six senses which makes her rather clueless and inept. She befriends Yu Si Feng, the outstanding head disciple of Lize Palace who falls for her, thus beginning a xianxia romance that is entangled with the conspiracies from the past. The Zan Hua Tournament is being held in the Shaoyang Sect and its leader Chu Lei has two daughters - his trusted eldest daughter Chu Ling Long, and the youngest daughter Chu Xuan Ji who is lazy and terrible at martial arts. When Yu Si Feng and Chu Xuan Ji meet through a coincidence, they forge a friendship with each other. Yu Si Feng falls for Xuan Ji despite the harsh consequences that he must face as it is forbidden for students of Lize Palace to fall in love. Meanwhile, Ling Long clashes with Wu Tong after she criticized his foul actions at the tournament. In retaliation, Wu Tong accidentally injures Xuan Ji and gets expelled. Having recovered from her injuries, Xuan Ji promises to concentrate on cultivating. Four years later, Xuan Ji and Yu Si Feng meet again. Si Feng wears a mask due to a curse that can only be broken if he finds true love.

Cast:

Cheng Yi (成毅) as Yu Sifeng (禹司凤)

Yuan Bingyan (袁冰妍) as Chu Xuanji (褚璇玑)

Liu Xueyi (刘学义) as Hao Chen (昊辰)

Zhang Yuxi (张予曦) as Chu Linglong (褚玲珑)

My Opinions:

Plot (My Rating - A-):

First of all, I quite like the pacing in this drama. As the matter of fact, towards the end I actually feel like some things were rushed, not dragged out. It’s never a show that allows you to press the fast forward button, because 1. the tragic moments are super intense and dramatic, and 2. you don’t dare skip over the cute/funny moments because you know there won’t be many left. Second of all, I really appreciate that the writers of this drama really decided that they were going to make the most tragic drama ever. They really dedicated themselves to that craft, and I think they succeeded wonderfully. In terms of plot points, I absolutely loved the whole 9 lifetimes idea. It really brings out the tragedy and beauty of Yu Sifeng - he will do anything to protect those he loves, especially Xuanji. I would not complain if every single lifetime was made into a 45 minute episode, though that would be 405 more minutes of Sifeng being tortured by love on top of the infinite amount of minutes that already exist in this drama.

One problem I had, again, was with the misunderstanding that separated our two leads. I understand that this misunderstanding was one that had to do with the morals, backgrounds and fates with both of them, and thus was obviously meant to be a separating factor, but with the way the two characters were written, it felt odd that it created such an amount of misunderstanding. Overall, the plot was good, it didn’t have any revolutionary ideas, but it turned up the tragedy factor and had consistent pacing (if not too rushed towards the end). I’m sure there were probably a few plot holes here and there (one of which is why is it so easy to destroy that huge jar thing towards the end? If that’s what’s keeping the universe at balance, shouldn’t it take more than just one Yuan Lang to destroy it?), but overall, solid plot.

Characters (My Rating - B):

Sifeng is an absolute angel. He’s probably the most heroic lead in a drama who acts totally out of selflessness, who will help his loved ones no matter what pain it puts him through, and who can remain so kind, so unbothered mentally by whatever pain everyone puts him through. However, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have faults. He acts irrationally in the face of love and he often mistrusts the people around him. He’s a very complete character that not only evokes viewer’s sympathy, love and admiration, but also makes sense when taking into consideration his morals. He rarely does things that are out of character. If I were to rate just his character I’d probably give an A+.

But, there are other characters in this drama. I do like Xuanji, not as much as I like Sifeng, but I like her more than most drama leads. Despite the whole lacking six senses thing being a super confusing plot hole of sorts (like she clearly likes people in the beginning, Linglong, Minyan, her father, and dislikes people, Wu Tong, but isn’t she supposed to be unfeeling? Also she screamed out of fear when she fell using the teleport tool etc etc), I liked how she wasn’t stupid, but simply naïve. She’s actually a pretty smart person, especially in the first half of the drama, when she defended Sifeng against the Five Sects, and then Minyan after he was caught from Tianxu Tang. She didn’t let herself be manipulated by her father or Hao Chen, but rather thought for herself, took into account what she knew of their characters and came to the correct conclusion that the Five Sects were being stupid. I found myself a slight bit annoyed when she took the Five Sects side on the whole Mosha Xing issue, but given that the argument was no longer Sifeng vs. her father, but rather demons vs. humans, I can sort of understand why she didn’t trust him. Also, he did lie to her a bunch of times so, I suppose that adds to the fact. Though, she failed to use the trait that I used to really like, which was the ability to take logic and character into consideration. Did she really think that Sifeng never loved her? Because like, with all the evidence right there in her memory, I find it hard for anyone logical being to come to that conclusion. Also, I really like how she eventually became as loving of Sifeng as he was of her. She was literally willing to destroy the world, and herself, just to save him.

As I have said before, no one likes Hao Chen, and that’s good. He’s obviously written to be a character that you should dislike, not only because he gets in the way of Sifeng and Xuanji, but because he is clearly so biased against demons (despite the fact that most demons aren’t even bad at all); because he manipulates Xuanji/God of War so many times and doesn’t even feel guilty whatsoever; because he always says “for the three realms” and yet happens to do things that will completely destroy the peace of the three realms. There are things to like about him, like I am pretty sure that he does actually care about the three realms, and he does want there to be peace, but his ideology about peace, and love, and war are just so skewed that he ends up doing the opposite of what he wants to do.

Other characters were mostly likable, like Linglong, Zi Hu, Teng She, Minyan (most of the time), Xiao Yinhua, Ruo Yu (sometimes), Wu Zhiqi, etc etc. Some were evil for no apparent reason like Yuan Lang (why does he want to control the three worlds? What happened to him in the past for him to become this power hungry? If these questions were answered this character could be sooooo much more compelling) and Wu Tong (again, why did he start out so violent and cruel? I understand why he become a demon and helped them, but like does he not realize that it was clearly his fault first?) Also, the Heavenly Emperor seems like such an odd character. I understand he is the emperor and so he shouldn’t hold his relationship with Bailin and Xixuan above their faults, but like why was he so okay with like letting a totally faultless Xi Xuan endure several mortal trials all ending with painful deaths? And if that was because he was being a good and fair emperor, why does he let a game board decide fate? He also just stood there while the world was ending, and it took Xuanji to convince him to help her. I would like to know more about this guy and his complete lack of ability to care about anything.

So overall, while I think the main characters were written very well, with complex characteristics, some of the villains were just left tools to push forward the plot.

Acting (My Rating - A-):

So first of all, Cheng Yi’s portrayal of Yu Sifeng was absolutely amazing. He brought out all of Sifeng’s traits super well, from shyness initially to the cruelness Mosha Xing to his loving gaze at Xuanji to the heartbreak in tragic parts. I’m pretty sure he’ll become a star after this show, and can I just say, he totally deserves it!

(Like can you see the pain in his eyes?)

I was pleasantly surprised by Yuan Bingyan here. I really like how her acting style changed along with the new role she took, as Xuanji she was bright and cheerful, as God of War she was heartless and cruel. You can see in the nine lifetimes that the way she reacts to Sifeng’s death slowly changes. Her crying scenes need a little more emotion, but overall, a super stable performance.

Chemistry/Romance (My Rating - A):

The chemistry was just amazing. I find it interesting that their kisses slowly got more and more passionate as time went on.

I think part of the reason they have such good chemistry is because of the acting. Like oh my god their tiny reactions to when the other gets hurt really gives it away that they love each other.

The romance was also written nicely. While some people complain that Xuanji didn’t suffer enough, I feel like they don’t have to be equal in suffering in order for them to be a good pairing. You could tell from the very beginning that Xuanji liked Sifeng in a different way from other people. And the fact that they went through nine lifetimes together, each one when Sifeng died because of Xuanji... it just makes their romance so much more epic. Add that with good chemistry, good kisses, and good acting, well of course people love this ship so much! Xuanji would destroy the world for Sifeng, because the only person that matters in her world is Sifeng. Sifeng would put himself through ten lifetimes of torture just so Xuanji can be happy, because so long as Xuanji is happy, he will be happy.

Music (My Rating - A): this one is simple. Just listen to the soundtrack and you’ll understand my rating. I didn’t give it an A+ though, because while all the songs are great, there isn’t one in particular that I love.

Costumes (My Rating - A-): Sifeng’s costumes are really pretty. Some of Xuanji’s are pretty too, they get prettier as the show goes on, but some of the ones early on were kind of meh.

CGI (My Rating - A+): the best CGI in a cdrama. Just look at the scenes where Sifeng shows his wings!

Overall Rating: A-

Recommend For: People who like xianxia dramas and dramas that try to incorporate a lot of themes. People who don’t mind their heart breaking a thousand times while watching a drama. People who want to find a couple that you have to root for. People who like super epic guzhuangs with lots of subplots, mythology, reincarnations etc.

#cdrama #Cdrama Review #I actually like this more than AoL #cheng yi #成毅 #Yuan Bingyan #袁冰妍 #I love the otp okay #they have such amazing chemistry

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kshitij1997 · 5 years ago

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Welcome back!

In the last chapter, I just included a bunch of original characters without commenting anything whatsoever. Talk about being modest :P

Oh well, great ready, because the sisters will arrive in this chapter and the next! And one of them is an OC!

As for the historic events, most are true, but some of them have been invented or moved around in in the European historic timeline to keep the dramatic states high, and to show how vast, small and dangerous this universe is all at the same time. I swear all the ‘world-building’ will make sense as we move forward :D.

All frozen characters belong to Disney, all I own is this head-cannon and the original characters.

On with the story :D

Chapter 4: The birth of someone magical, and the disappearance of another

In the first few months of their marriages, the lives of the royal couple of Arendelle and Corona were good and full of hope, despite whatever happened in the rest of Europe and the world. The British had had enough of their mentally ill monarch, who was on his way out. The loss of the thirteen colonies still cut deep to the British, and when the Confederacy had decided to further challenge the them in Canada, the British proceeded to burn Washington to the ground, even going so far as to provoke the Native Americans to fight on the side of the British. The Confederacy turned to Arendelle for help, which resulted in Arendelle with its considerable naval forces confronting the formidable navy of the British. The duke of Weselton had a vested interest in the transatlantic trade, and so joined on the side of Arendelle. The three naval superpowers fought and ground the war to a stalemate by taking the war to the sea away from the shores of North America. With peace ensured by the Confederacy agreeing to leave Canada be, the British bought influence in Africa filling up the duke’s coffers. And with peace made on good terms with the confederacy thanks to Arendellian diplomacy, Arendelle now found a powerful new ally in Great Britain, moving away from the French. Furthermore, the confederacy was grateful, and called for further imports from Arendelle.

All this happened while the Corsican madlad was subdued in Elba, which was a good thing as when he showed up again to be finally defeated in Waterloo, the Arendelle crown was well backed by Great Britain into a powerful negotiating position regarding the fate of the fallen dictator. As a result, king Agnarr and queen Iduna found ample time to bring long-lost prosperity back to Arendelle. The days of Agnarr being a ditherer desperate to please everyone were long gone; here he was, with the love of his life beside him, ready to take on the world.

However, there was a bout of tragedy in his friend’s life, as King Reginald and Queen Sophia’s first child due in the spring of 1815 turned out to be a stillborn, despite the painstaking efforts of some of the best doctors in Europe. The whole ordeal of a painful birth and the dead infant took a heavy toll on the Queen, who was emotionally broken from the experience. The palace servants found it increasingly common to hear the queen screaming into the night in self-pity and self-loathing, turning to alcohol to ease the pain, and having shouting matches with the king. It was one of those times, when things came to a head.

“It was unfortunate what happened, but we are young and healthy, we can try again.” The king reasoned, holding on to his own stoicism lest he crumble too.

“You don’t get it do you?! It came out of me, lifeless and stiff! HOW COULD I EVER EXPECT TO TRY AGAIN! Who’s to say it won’t happen again?!” Shrieked the queen, weeping tears full of rage.

“So, he’s already an ‘it’, isn’t he?” the king asked with a woebegone face.

“Listen to yourself Reggie, it’s been buried in the ground for almost a month, and you are the one who wants to move on from ‘him’?” the queen sobbed.

“I have been seeing you for that entire time, you think I haven’t tried to move on? I have tried to weave myself through all false sympathies, hoping that maybe I could have my wife for comfort by my side. But now, I can’t even talk to her anymore. All I can sense are the alcohol talking, and a woman who’s admitting defeat. I can’t recognize my wife at all in you right now, Sophie” The king said quietly, with the tears starting to flow from his eyes as well.

The queen fell silent at this. She observed her husband for a good long moment; the loss was acute for him as well. Reginald was always sensitive about those he loved and cared for, and overtly emotional. She may have lost an infant, but both their futures were in jeopardy in the moment, and ultimately, for now she had to think like a queen first, motherhood could come later.

“You’re right. We must think about our futures too, we can’t stay in this quagmire forever. I have been selfish in my sorrow and have left you alone out in the cold to fend for yourself, for that I’m truly sorry. You know what Reggie, let’s regain our strength, and try again after some time. I’m sure we’ll make it. And if I must give up drinking, so be it.” Sophia declared as things became clear to her.

“Yes, we will make it. Hang in there Sophie.” “You too Reggie.” The royal pair told each other as they held on to each other, their hearts placated.

Throughout this time, king Agnarr had provided all the help that he could to his dear friend, and the morbid incident was the talk of the Arendellian royal household.

“I hope they recover from this soon, they deserve a lot better.” Iduna mused during one such conversation.

“I hope so as well, I can’t bear watching Reginald like this, and poor Sophia too” Agnarr said.

“I think there’s a lesson here” “What?” “I think they were not ready for a child yet, they were not serious enough about it. I knew back then that was a mistake. I tried warning the both of them, but they were too excited to listen.” Iduna observed as her husband agreed.

“Who’s to say we are ready ourselves?” Agnarr inquired expectantly.

“Only time will tell; I think we should wait to be better prepared.” Iduna answered.

And so, the royal couple decided to wait. Just as well, as the British and the Russians were twisting Agnarr’s arm to intervene in the Balkans. That was the thing with the British, while the rest of Europe was looking at Africa and Asia, they had their eyes set on the whole world. Anyway, at Sophia’s request, Iduna convinced Agnarr to send a team of diplomats to the region, getting the local leaders to pledge fealty to central Europe, while the British proceeded to wrest control of Egypt from the Ottomans, rendering it a vassal state to the Ottomans to keep them from corpsing and leaving the region unpredictable. The Russians on their part, help instigate a popular uprising against the Sultan and his Janissaries in the fall of 1817. Nasty business, the Arendelle Monarch thought, but at least it would keep his staunchest allies secure. The king of Corona was saddled with enough worries as it was at the time, being nervous about his wife’s second pregnancy, and tried his hardest to keep all stress away from her. But even he couldn’t have guessed what could happen.

The Habsburgs of Austria-Hungary, the Russians and the Ottomans had always seen the Balkans as the buffer that kept everything in check. The day that powder keg blew up, all three would go down. While the Habsburgs had family in the Balkans, particularly in Serbia, which was unsurprising at this point, both the Ottomans and the Russians claimed to be the protector of all Christians in the region. In a surprising and morbid turn of events, the Ottoman Sultan, seething at such an open blow to his power, moved first, and sent in his special troops/assassins to storm the imperial palace of the king and queen of Serbia, shot them multiple times at point blank range, and destroyed their bodies by chopping them to pieces and throwing them into the palace moat. The sheer audacity of the event, not to mention the horrific assassination and the barefaced flexing of the Sultan’s powers, sent Europe by storm, but none more than the queen of Corona, who was the second cousin of the king of Serbia.

The shock made Sophia faint when she heard the news, which unfortunately led to a miscarriage.

The king was beside himself with grief, and the queen was inconsolable. The event affected them so much that they cancelled the thanksgiving service that year, and the queen sunk into depression as rumours started circulating about queen Sophia being victim to the Habsburg curse of madness and melancholy. But the queen asserted herself to the public by putting those rumours to rest. In an unprecedented move for the time, she made a speech to the public, addressing that while the loss of a potential heir and family was tragic, it was not doomsday for the country or Europe yet as they were still led by a courageous and wise monarchy and a common belief of maintaining peace after the fall of Napoleon, and they would weather these storms, as they had done before.

While the public’s beliefs may have been restored, only Iduna learnt the true sorrow that hounded Sophia about the whole affair when she visited:

“I swear I’m fucking cursed” cried Sophia. “That’s silly, Sophia” Said Iduna, as she tried to calm her down.

“Is it really? I lost a second cousin and a child in the span of 48 hours. I honestly believe the forces of nature are out to make me miserable. Various forces at play to ruin my life.” Sophia continued sadly.

“Look, those animals who caused this anguish to you will pay; that does not mean you stop living and give up-” Iduna began but was cut off by Sophia.

“First of all, I know I can handle it, nevertheless by accepting that bleak truth, I would stop being caught fucking unawares whenever such a thing happens.” Sophia claimed.

“That’s a bizarre argument, woman. By that rationale, I’m also cursed, as I lost my entire family in a battle my late father-in law waged. Agnarr should also be cursed, as he also lost his father in said battle. It’s a bone-headed way of thinking, and it leads us nowhere.” Iduna proceeded to coach the aggrieved queen, “What happened was life itself, and it is seldom under our control. Everyone’s surroundings affect them. No one could imagine those killers could stoop to this action, and no one could have known what would happen afterwards. All we can do is to do the next right thing when facing such darkness.” Iduna finished.

“The next right thing? What do you think that should be?” Sophia asked.

“For you, it should be to stand beside your husband in this time, he shouldn’t suffer separately and alone.” Iduna advised. “As married people, we find our strength in our better halves, you know.”

“You’re right. To take a step and step again indeed.” Sophia rose up to embrace the queen of Arendelle.

“Stay strong, Sophie.” “You too, Iduna.”

The British saw this event as an excuse to be the moral voice of the situation, in comparison to king Reginald and the aging monarch of Austria-Hungary, who also happened to be the maternal grandfather of Queen Sophia, who threatened invasion and war. The British struck first by trapping the Ottomans in an embargo that blocked them from the west Mediterranean Sea. The Russians, on the other hand forced them into a crippling treaty that made Greece independent; further reducing the European holdings of the Sultan.

Agnarr on his part, wanted nothing to do with the Balkans or the Ottomans, focusing instead on efforts to pacify king Reginald and observing The Southern Isles. King Christian’s latest wife, his fifth, a princess of Greek origin, had been blessed with triplets, so if there was anyone truly fertile in the continent, it was the king of The Southern Isles. Now a proud father of twelve, the king was well and truly ensured his succession and the crisis that would precede it. Not that it bothered the aging king; he was raised to get what he wanted, by god if he wanted a private army of his own kids, he would get it.

Agnarr mused, that man has clearly nothing else left in his life except an illusion of health and merry. Any romantic dreams that he had died with his second wife, every other lady he courted after became a brood mare. When it came out that his latest wife was involved in an affair, he proceeded to divorce her summarily within the next twenty-four hours, seized all her possessions, and left her destitute and ruined. Agnarr was generally put off by his careless hounding attitude towards everything but was truly disgusted to find out that he had married a sixth time, this time to a rumoured Polish noblewoman in the beginning of 1819.

A fine set of examples the royal couple of Arendelle had around them; the Tsar who was childless, and his younger brothers weren’t too keen to succeed him. Then there was Corona, where queen Sophia had gotten pregnant for a third time, against all odds. Finally, there was king Christian who had already consummated the marriage with his Polish wife, and a rumoured thirteenth kid was on the way. However, the king of The Southern Isles narrowly survived a heart attack during said consummation and decided that even by his standards, he was done.

Well, speaking of pregnancies, Iduna had broken the happy news to Agnarr in the April of 1819, and the kingdom was in celebration. 1819 was an important year in this respect; a lot of future monarchs were born in this year, not that anyone could say for sure at that time. As the summer solstice drew near, queen Sophia started experiencing complications in her pregnancy and panicked, sending king Reginald into a frenzy, calling up all the physicians, doctors and midwives available. As Sophia’s situation grew worse, king Agnarr sent his personal doctor, Dr. Klaus. If anyone had consummate knowledge in medicine and lifesaving, it was this guy.

Dr Klaus took one look at the queen and gave his verdict; if they were to save the queen and the baby, they needed an exotic herb made from a plant called the sun-mirror, a variety of lettuce whose luminous flowers had the rumoured quality of giving eternal life and healing all predicaments. However, it was extremely rare and was critically endangered as a plant, only growing naturally on the island of Cyprus, unfortunately controlled by the Ottomans. The Ottomans found the opportunity to weasel out a deal with Russia in exchange for safe passage to Cyprus for Reginald’s troops, and since king Reginald threatened to blockade the Baltic with Arendelle’s backing if Russia didn’t abide, the Tsar was forced to give up the southern ports of the Black Sea, exposing Crimea to the Ottomans.

However, no harm was done, as the plant was found, brought back to Corona, crushed into herbs and medicine and fed to the queen. The result could not have been better, as the queen had a surprisingly easy birth, becoming the mother to a lovely, adorable, healthy and lively baby girl on the eve of the Summer Solstice. King Reginald was overcome with joy and emotion as he hugged his baby girl and spread the happy news throughout Europe. The baby princess had a full head of blonde hair long enough to cover her whole body, like the golden stocks of the sun-mirror lettuce. She was officially christened as princess Eva Rapunzel, but the king and queen endearingly called her Rapunzel or Punzie. At that point Dr. Klaus took his leave, to care for queen Iduna’s pregnancy.

Arendelle waited with bated breath as Iduna faced a complication of her own by contracting hypothermia; her situation grew serious as her body fell colder and colder, and all the nutrition, medicine, hot coalbeds and blankets couldn’t keep her warm. Moreover, the queen’s eyes had begun to glow with a pale ice-blue glow, and the queen had begun to enter trances, where she would sing in kulning for hours on end. King Agnarr grew desperate; asking Dr. Klaus for any cure or treatment, maybe another sun-mirror herb. Dr Klaus declined; the flower bloomed once in 75 years, and the latest bloom had saved princess Eva Rapunzel. As the king dreaded the worst, Dr Klaus gave some hope:

“Send for Grand Pabbie.”

Said creature was a curious one; a being made of half rock, half human flesh, with leaves and wines for hair. This self-sustaining being used to meditate for six months of the year, and had a massive following of similar beings, living on the borders of the impenetrable mist separating Arendelle from the North, surviving various disasters throughout history by blending into mountainous rocks. It was a testament to Dr. Klaus’ knowhow and network that he knew of this mystical being and his tribe.

The king in his desperation personally went with Dr. Klaus and his royal guard to fetch the rock hermit from the wilderness. At first, Grand Pabbie refused; he had greater responsibilities to the nutrition and survival of the land than some as temporary as human beings, hence the meditation during winter. But when Dr. Klaus explained the whole situation, Grand Pabbie agreed to accompany them at once. Upon reaching the queen’s chambers, the hermit proceeded to put a rocky hand on the queen’s belly and declared “Your majesty, your child has been blessed by the fifth spirit.”

King Agnarr was stunned to hear that “It can’t be, the pass has been covered in mist for years, there’s no way the Northurldra, let alone the fifth spirit could have come to the south, much less affect my wife and child’s health.”

“Calm down, your majesty, for I am yet to finish. Your child and wife are in perfect health; despite the cold and other supernatural symptoms, the queen has no breathing problems or health issues. Her pulse is stable as well. This constellation of symptoms must have puzzled Dr. Klaus; thus, he may have recommended my services.” Grand Pabbie assured the tense king.

“What shall you do now?” asked the king.

“I will perform a simple gesture on the queen’s belly, that should bring her comfort and ease of birth. Now, why exactly did the fifth spirit bless your wife is a mystery, we can assume that either of you have committed a great deed that has placated the lost souls.” With that, the hermit made an eight-cornered crystal shape on the queen’s abdomen. This placated the queen and she drifted into a restful sleep. With that, the hermit turned to the king ”Worry not your majesty, the queen is perfectly safe. However, your child would have a resistance to, or maybe even mastery over a force of nature. Since your kingdom is on the coast, it would most likely be water. As the queen is due near the Winter Solstice, it may be a power over snow, and ice.”

The king was gobsmacked to hear this but was gestured by Dr. Klaus to remain calm. The king realized the prudence of not offending the hermit and thanked Grand Pabbie for his services.

On the eve of the Winter Solstice of 1819, king Agnarr couldn’t sleep; queen Iduna had gone into labour and the process went much smoother than expected. He had just become the proud father of a baby princess with hair a very light shade of blonde, taking after her grandmother, or so the people said. She was most certainly a bundle of joy, bursting into giggles as soon as seeing her parents for the first time and burying her face into her mother’s bosom, which was deemed adorable by the Monarch. The king bent in to pinch her nose and cheek, which prompted a sneeze from the baby princess, showering a whole layer of snow onto her father.

The queen was shocked “What the fuck?! Where did that come from?!”

The king wiped the snow off his face and said ”Iduna, there’s something you need to know.”

At the end of his story, the queen calmed down and kissed the baby princess on the forehead “She truly is a gift from the almighty. Let’s call her Elsa.”

“Very well, Elsa shall be her name.” Smiled the king.

“She seems to like the name” grinned the queen as the giggling baby princess had already started making snowflakes on her fingertips.

Just then, a guard rushed into their bedroom ”Your Majesty!”

“What is it? Are we under attack?” bellowed the king and queen in unison as the sudden noise made the princess cry.

“I don’t know for certain…. I’m sorry for frightening you at this hour of night. But a messenger from Corona brings worrying news.” The guard spoke after catching his breath.

The king and queen met the messenger at once, who gave them the news that made their blood run cold;

“Princess Eva Rapunzel has been abducted in the dead of night.”

Woohoo! That was an action-packed chapter, I think.

Some cute moments, some gruesome moments, some sad moments and some moments of joy.

Or as Murray, the Joker or Iduna would say, that’s life!

The OC family would definitely become bigger next chapter, and we may say goodbye to some characters already, just like life.

As always, constructive feedback is always welcome.

#frozen #frozen elsa #elsa #frozen fanfiction #frozen fandom #frozen fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #frozen agnarr #frozen iduna

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 5 years ago

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A Letter to Rev. Moon

Dear Reverend Moon,

Although you have passed into the spirit world, your followers say you are now omniscient and omnipresent so I feel I can still address this letter directly to you.

I myself followed you for a number of years, received your blessing and looked forward to living in the society of co-prosperity you promised us (DP page 445). It took me some time to realize that prosperity was only meant to be enjoyed by yourself and your family, because as you said:

‘The only thing that matters is that my children take up positions as the leaders of the cosmos.’

There are of course a fair number of church leaders who also manage to enjoy a modicum of prosperity – which is, I’m afraid, the only reason why many are still ‘believers’.

I know you deserved to enjoy the good things of life to make up for all the indemnity you say you kept paying. Unfortunately, I’m still unsure about your indemnity – in all the years I knew about you I never saw you working, cooking for yourself, doing your own laundry, making your own travel arrangements, doing your own tax returns, taking any care of individual members or even of your own children, so apart from giving directions to your assistants and talking to church members, what was the indemnity you say you kept paying? Ah! It must have been prayer. No, I’m afraid not:

‘I haven’t prayed for the last twenty years. Mother was very surprised to see me start praying again, but I knew the time would come when I had to guide Heavenly Father.’ USA 1999

So you started praying again in order to guide God, very considerate. So if you weren’t paying indemnity by praying how were you doing it? Fasting? Not according to your overworked kitchen staff. Ah! Fishing for long periods? But you loved fishing, and like most fishermen, you were happy to stay out all day. So maybe it was talking to the members for long hours? But again you loved that – all the adoration and sycophantic applause. No, sorry, you’ve got me beat– I can’t see the indemnity anywhere.

Something else I’ve found difficult to understand is to do with the matching and blessing. I was originally given to believe that God was working through you during the matching process, but on at least two occasions in Europe you matched physical brothers and sisters together, and I heard of it happening in Japan and America also. So what gives? I know you said in one of your speeches that Jesus should have married John the Baptist’s sister – who according to you would have been his half-sister – so maybe such relationships are allowable in your kingdom of heaven. Either way, you changed those matchings after being informed they were brothers and sisters, but isn’t it strange that God didn’t know about them?

So anyway blessed couples are supposed to produce children substantially free of original sin, and your children are especially pure – being the progeny of the messiah and his bride. But, I then read one of your speeches where you said, ‘I knew this time would come, (when some of my children would disunite with me) maybe I should turn to the son of the concubine. The children of the concubine are better because there is more passion.’ (involved in their conception) Korea 1996

Now here I’m really mystified. If the child of your concubine is better than those from your marriage, where does this leave the idea of the blessing?

Let me think awhile. Adam and Eve fell because they had sex out of wedlock – they fornicated and because of that the original sin was passed down through the generations. So, the messiah, the Second Advent, is supposed to restore this by establishing the blessed marriage (the marriage of the lamb) and then the children from that marriage are supposed to born without original sin and establish a new lineage, thereby creating the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth.

So where does the excuse for the concubine come from? In order to restore the sin of fornication does the messiah have to commit it again but this time for God’s sake? Does he have to restore Cain’s sin by murdering someone for God’s sake? What about all the other sins? Where does it end?

I know you were trying to restore gambling by spending many hours in casinos. I also know you said you had to enjoy the luxuries of life sometimes, because otherwise when the rich people die and go to the spirit world they would be ashamed in front of you – because they enjoyed the high life and you didn’t. So you stayed in luxurious hotels, were driven around in expensive cars and flew in private airplanes all for the sake of the rich people, again very considerate.

You know, I really have to come back to this concubine thing. If, as you said, the children of the concubine are better than those from a blessed marriage then surely that means the blessing has no value whatsoever, and that blessed children are no different to any other. That must also mean there is no restoration providence and that you weren’t really the messiah after all.

I’m sorry Reverend but I’m starting to have serious doubts about this whole business.

Another aspect of your vaunted dispensation that I found confusing was your use of numbers. Most of the people counted in the 360 million couples blessing didn’t even know they were blessed. For example, in India sachets of holy wine were thrown into reservoirs and anyone drinking from them was counted as being blessed. The amazing thing is, however, that you then announced that all the newly blessed couples should now make a ‘total living offering’ of $10,000 and come to Jardim Training Center in Brazil for a workshop.

Considering that $10,000 is more than most of these Indians will see in a lifetime, that they don’t even have a hope of affording a flight to Brazil, and that they have no idea they’ve been blessed, then surely your expectation of 360 million couples turning up at Jardim with suitcases full of cash was a little fanciful to say the least.

This ancestor liberation is something else I find confusing. After only a few thousand members had attended these liberation ceremonies it was announced that 36 billion ancestors had been liberated. Later it was said that more than 360 billion had been liberated. Now considering the most generous statistics state that only about 150 billion people have ever lived on this planet in the past, I’m left wondering where the other 210 billion are from. Mars maybe? Maybe all these numbers are just symbolic – except of course until it comes to financial offerings.

I was extremely happy to read your speech of June 14th 1999 where you said,

‘There are no more hardships or indemnity.’

Again on Sept. 9th 1999

‘Satan has completely surrendered.’

Sept. 10th 1999

‘Therefore the time when Satan can oppose us is passed.’

And finally my favorite was on Oct. 27th 1999

‘No more indemnity is needed. The providence of restoration is completed.’

However, after Young Jin’s suicide in Las Vegas (as reported by the Las Vegas Police Department) you changed your tune yet again.

Nov. 14th 1999

‘Take responsibility by paying indemnity.

‘Satan tried to attack True Parents directly.’

‘Can you live a life of complete indemnity?’

Now while I have every sympathy for the loss of Young Jin, who appears to have been a very nice young man, this still does not explain this complete contradiction in your speeches. If Satan had completely surrendered how was he still able to attack your family? And if the providence of restoration is completed why were you asking the church members to continue paying indemnity? (Which anyway appears to be a waste of time because you said,

‘Did you pay indemnity? No. Only Father and Mother together did.’)

I’m getting really confused now, because you said on Aug. 8th 1999

‘The lord of the Second Advent is a person with no property.’

However, on Jan. 2nd 1996 you were boasting as follows:

‘You may not know, but I already own a small airplane company and have several airplanes.’ And you also said ‘In Montevideo I built a landmark hotel, which is the biggest and the best in South America.’

‘I have the desire to become the richest person in the world…’ Dec. 1st 1997

‘I could buy a Mercedes Benz 600 series if I wanted to.’ Feb. 13th 1997

And I suppose the palace at Cheongpyeong and the new one on Geomun island off the coast south of Yeosu are solely for God to live in. Oh, my mistake. I forgot you had become ‘the god of the day’, the incarnation of God on earth.

There are actually quite a few of your statements that I have difficulty with:

‘While Oriental people sleep on their backs and face God, asking Him to embrace them, Westerners sleep on their stomachs, facing down like animals; that’s why free sex and homosexual problems predominate in the Western hemisphere.’

Has the world really waited 2000 years to receive such wisdom from the Second Advent?

‘I did not blink my eyes for three hours once. So I overcame the number three.’

It’s lucky number three didn’t call in four and five or you’d have been well hammered.

‘A woman who does not love Father is not a complete woman: something must be lacking.’

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most delusional of all?

‘Our goal is to create a world where everyone has affection for me.’

Really? So whose definition of the Kingdom of Heaven would that be then?

‘That is why widows, widowers and people who do not marry are to be pitied. They have no place to settle in love, so they just fade away. They have no foundation for eternal existence.’ Feb. 7th 1999

So all the monks and nuns, all the young unmarried soldiers who died in war, (even the Korean one that was supposed to have been fought just to save you,) all the children who have died throughout history – all of these poor souls will just fade away and have no place in the spiritual world?

I’m afraid your concept of the Kingdom, whether it be in this world or the next, appears to be very cold and heartless – and does not reflect anything of God’s loving parental nature.

‘A person with no descendants will have no place to rest or play in the next world.’ Feb. 4th 1999

So all the church sisters who were kept fundraising for so long that when starting their married life they were too old to have children, they will have nowhere to rest or play in the spirit world?

Let’s get this straight, Jesus, the Dalai Lama, and all those celibates throughout history who honestly dedicated their lives to God or the betterment of mankind, they will just fade away, but someone like Genghis Khan, who was responsible for the slaughter of millions but fathered hundreds of children, after serving his time in hell he will eventually be able to live it up in heaven? Give me a break!

When I originally joined your church we were told that the dwelling place of God was in the ‘Original Mind’ of man. This apparently was some unpolluted area of the spirit mind that always directs man towards goodness. Now, however, His abode appears to have changed.

‘My sexual organ is the original palace of love… the palace where God can dwell.’ Jan. 1st 1997

This to me would seem a rather appalling drop in living standards to inflict upon the Almighty. I also find it a little difficult to understand, because surely you don’t take that organ with you when you enter heaven, whereas your spirit mind is eternal (unless of course you are unmarried).

Anyway, maybe I should put aside all my doubts, sell everything I possess and use the money for a trip to Cheongpyeong. I could then donate much of the cash to liberate the spirits of the Martians or Venusians or whoever we’re liberating now. I’ve heard the people in charge of Cheongpyeong are also selling houses in the spirit world – very useful because it means you don’t have to spend time finding a real estate agent once you cross over, because you know what crooks real estate agents can be.

Yours in search of sanity and a good laugh,

Sloe Gin

P.S. All of these quotations were carefully checked against the original Korean.

_______________________________________

Unification Church shampoo for evil spirits

Cheongpyeong: Evil spirits stop Korean and Japanese women from having children.

“Ancestor Liberation must be done” Hak Ja Han 2015

Sun Myung Moon and Hak Ja Han bow to a pig’s head

Moon is God’s original sperm

Sperm in the Holy Wine of the Unification Church

#Sun Myung Moon #indemnity #ancestor liberation #scam #Hak Ja Han

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werewolves-are-real · 7 years ago

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Hi, i am really sorry for asking, especially because you might be really busy or if it is annoying, but can you maybe write a drabble thing (sorry i don't know the terms) of Laurence and Tem's first meeting with Napoleon from Napoleons perspective? (Laurence/Napoleon of course) My life's a mess and i am feeling really down so i need something to sorta cheer me up... HOWEVER if you can't/don't feel like it or just don't have the time then just ignore this, i totally understand it

You don’t have to apologize so much!! Sorry it took so long but I hope this helps :)

except for the first few paragraphs, dialogue is taken directly from the end of Empire of Ivory.

the reference to an 'old Roman general' is to Marcus Atilius Regulus, also mentioned in the text

Choice of Regulus

“He will not stay,” says DeGuignes.

Napoleon is busy with a thousandthings, and he inspects a missive in his hand even as he disapprovesthe remark. “He came here,” the emperor counters. “It wouldbenefit him nothing to return to England; nothing at all. And thesafety of his dragon will tempt him.”

Napoleon has encountered many dragonsover the years, yet possessed no true notion of their intelligence oruse until Lien joined the court. It became at once clear to him thathe must reassess all strategies of the Armee de l'Aire, and furtherapparent that dragons have been sadly wasted. From a practical level,he considers them intelligent and clearly self-possessed - in otherwords, worthy of the all the same considerations as humans, so longas those considerations benefit the state.

“I have met him only briefly, Iadmit,” says De Guignes. “But my impression in China was thatCaptain Laurence is a man of excellent moral character. I should nothave expected him to betray his country.”

“And yet he did,” says Napoleon,handing over the letter and waving forward his secretary. Togetherthey and a convoy of guards walk down to Lien's pavilion, and evenfrom a distance the two Celestial dragons there are visible, likereflective obelisks; one creature, black and scarred, and the otherwhite as the horizon.

Napoleon ignores De Guignes' doubts todictate another letter, this one to the Spanish ambassador, which hissecretary pens hastily. He cannot suppress his own anticipation,though, and when he stands before William Laurence he at once grabsthe Englishman to kiss his cheeks.

It is no small thing what this man hasdone – no exaggeration to say that he ought to be considered a heroby all the world. To fight a war with plague, Napoleon thinks, isjust like the English; it was ridiculously ill-considered, when heonly imagines how easily the outbreak might have affected England'sown allies, and poisoned the whole world to them, besides. It mightbe a good tactic from a place like China, with thousands of their owndragons to take the world by storm; but from England it was juststupid cruelty.

He makes a mental note to pen anotherseries of letters; France must be quick to offer their own mushroomsto allies, though the farmers have not yet managed to cultivate them.With all luck no other countries will be infected yet, and thegesture shall be appreciated but unnecessary. In any case Napoleonimagines that French will leave this situation looking much betterthan England, who has endangered all her own friends.

Napoleon finds Laurence to be just asDe Guignes indicated – polite, careful, and firm in his everyrefusal to betray his country more than he already has. He displaysan admirable concern for the sake of his draconic companion, and noconcern whatsoever for himself, which Napoleon must respect evenagainst his own disappointment. Good men are rare, but hard to sway.

And then Captain Laurence refuses hisoffer of haven, and after Napoleon tries – sincerely tries – toexpress on him the superiority of his vision, of his future forFrance, Laurence says simply this:

“Your Majesty, I am a soldier, not astatesman; and I have no great philosophy but that I love my country.I came because it was my duty as a Christian and a man; now it is myduty to return.”

- Throughout his life, Napoleon hasadmired the stories of classical heroes, ranging from the myths ofHercules to the more concrete feats of Hannibal Barca and Alexanderthe Great. And here before him stands a hero in the making, herecognizes – a figure tired and resolute, but whose significancefuture historians must recognize and applaud.

He is reminded with abrupt force ofPolybius' writings on an old Roman soldier, a general captured byCarthaginians in years long since past. He was paroled and sent backto Rome as a messenger, to negotiate peace; instead, he urged acontinuation of war, and then returned against the advice of allfriends to Carthage where he suffered torture and death in the faceof his defiance. The general's honor, on both counts, could allow fornothing more.

Napoleon noted the story both forrecognition of the soldier's convictions, and also for beingludicrous. If a man so spurned the morals of his enemy, what would itmatter, to neglect vows to that corrupt power? But there is somethingabout the story, some nebulous and abstract quality, which alwaysstuck with him.

And now here is a man whose act isgreater – who moves not to preserve the intentions of his country,but to follow his own morals; follow them sorrowfully, regretfully.And yet he loves his country anyway. It is a dichotomy Napoleoncannot fully understand, even as he appreciates it. Napoleon hasfought hard for the power to shape France to his vision of greatness.Laurence, lacking that authority, and chained to service, hasnonetheless been compelled by the righteousness of his convictions.

Napoleon cannot agree with theCaptain's interpretation of duty. But perhaps that does not matter.

“God forbid I should alter such aresolve,” he says at last, after every effort has failed – noteven the grim certainty of the captain's execution can sway him.“Your choice is the choice of Regulus, and I honor you for it. Youwill have your liberty – you must have your liberty.”

He sends off the captain with a troopof the Old Guard, and the promise of Accendare's formation to see himover the Channel, under a flag of truce. It is the least he can do –it is all that he can do, and when Captain Laurence leaves hedismisses his retinue to sit with Lien in her Pavilion. The dragonleaves him to his thoughts, and he finds his gaze ever straying tothe sky. Even now, as he sits here, a man moves resolutely toward hisdeath; not a soldier's-gamble, but a sure death, and one that he doesnot deserve. A good man – a wasted man.

He will be hanged by the month's end,Napoleon thinks; and he only hopes, in an odd spirit of sympathy,that the English do not leave the captain to suffer long.

Then he returns to the palace andresumes writing letters.

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antthonystark · 7 years ago

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I‘m not really a fan of jace that much (mostly because of the demon who plays him but I try to look past it) but that shit that happens to him now is harsh and horrible no one deserves that and that shit will hurt like i know he isn‘t perfect no one on the show is they all made their fair share of mistakes but just because it‘s jace doesn‘t mean the abuse is okay it never is

yeah, like i’ve said before, i never take issue with people disliking jace for whatever reasons they have, whether it’s because of dom or something else, it doesn’t matter. people can dislike a character just cause they dislike him, that’s not a big deal to me. it’s when people take that opinion and try to make some kind of comment or analysis on jace that doesn’t take into account the full reality and circumstance of the character, and instead ignores that all in favour of the usually minor transgressions he commits against the characters they do like, that i start to actively disagree. it’s not the opinion that i care about, but the fact that people like to make analytical comments on the character of jace from a very, very biased perspective which i often do disagree with - the analysis, rather than the opinion itself, if that makes sense.

jace is, like i’ve said, deeply flawed - he acts out, he pushes people away, he can be unnecessarily obnoxious - as are all the characters in their own ways. if you don’t like him because of these flaws, that’s cool. also though, the thing is, it’s common and popular on this site to say that past abuse or past trauma doesn’t “excuse” a character’s actions, but i genuinely, genuinely don’t know what is so terrible that jace has done that he’s that level of inexcusable, that his circumstances of abuse and constant trauma should hold absolutely no water whatsoever in considering his actions or his behaviour. certainly not all of them are related to his life circumstances, but some of them are and i think that his history of abuse/trauma (and his present situation, which is still quite horrific) should be considered in order to do an appropriate and level-headed analysis of the character.

and the hypocrisy is self-evident when it comes to jace compared to other characters, e.g. the flood of sympathy for magnus when he was possessed by valentine’s body, but not even a single ounce of consideration or empathy for jace whatsoever when he’s being robbed of his agency and his body in a very similar way over a sustained period of time (and that’s just one example)

but this is just a lot of waffling TLDR i agree with you 100%

#jace herondale #am i ever gonna gain followers again #i've stopped making gifs and stopped withholding my opinions #so i think that's a no #sh spoilers #shadowhunters #Anonymous #letterbox

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years ago

Text

Life Story Part 78

The neighbor dad next door liked to drink every night – often in packs of other men just like himself, in the back of his house. Sometimes these nights became violent. We could hear his kids crying, his wife drunkenly screaming for order while causing a fair bit of confusion herself. Once two men fell into our back yard and were grabbling and drunkenly trying to pin one another down in what they must have thought was a high end fight scene in the movie of their sad little lives.

The neighbor dad came over to our house one night and started accusing my brother David of stealing his shitty Coors Light beer. David was not stealing his beer at all of course. There was some other son of one of his friends that was eventually found to be the culprit, but this guy was adamant that it was David, threatening to shoot David if he saw him on his property, as if anyone with any self respect wanted to be seen on his shitty property. He eventually convinced the other men who were just like him in our town that David was coming onto his property to steal his missing beer, his most beloved drink, and they all took to calling David names as they drove by. If we were taking our nightly stroll, men would stumble out of the bar and accuse David of being a thief, and once in awhile they called David a 'dob'. We wondered for years what that might mean. It was all very weird. It seemed like from age thirteen on, other men wanted to fight David. I am not entirely sure why.

David signed up for football. I knew he didn't want to. The only reason he had signed up for football in the first place was because my father had been adamant about it for so many years and David didn't feel like he had the right to say no. It was something deeply personal to my father, some big momentous ordeal that had to be done. I think he felt that David had to live the life that he himself hadn't. He wanted David to become a strong football loving American white man – and not the strange hippie that my father had chosen to be at that same age. He wanted to live those wholesome boring American dream victories vicariously through David, perhaps to stave away the fact that he himself had never left the area he lived in, had two failed marriages, thirty-five failed online relationships, a failed business, a growing reliance on alcohol, and a wasted thirty-five years working at a factory who wanted him gone before he could receive the retirement he deserved.

I knew David didn't want to play sports anymore. Not even boxing really. I was sitting on the computer in the living room one night, as David was sleeping on the couch. David started talking in his sleep. He was panicking in his dream, stating over and over that he didn't want to play football. I looked over alarmed, and he had the look of someone who was drowning. A dream like that speaks volumes. David didn't want to go through with it, but he had already signed up. And it was eating him alive that he was doing this. He wanted to listen to music and collect albums, and read and challenge and critique everything he liked against the world. He had no interest in being brawny or masculine – at least not in the way my father wanted, and he hated everyone far too much to have any ambitions whatsoever. He felt completely outcast, and it happened at a young age all at once. It was harder for him than for me I think. I was born an outsider, and had ambitiously worked my way into a system anyway. I had that humility. David just woke up one day feeling like everything was a lie.

For two weeks David went to practice. His coach was that same foul disgusting man that I remember talking inappropriately about the teenage girls in my class and what he would like to do with them. He had talked about my best friend Ava and her weight. He was a loathsome hideous pretentious sick fucker with a whistle. I don't blame David for hating it. He went to practice for two weeks. They forced the boys to run around the field for a very long time, essentially going for miles or until the boys crumpled, at which point, the football coach would crouch over them and scream in their faces until they pulled themselves up and continued to run. David threw up several times. This didn't in an of itself stop him, but it would have stopped me. And then one day, David quit.

This caused my father to have some kind of meltdown. I remember sitting in the kitchen, and not knowing what had happened. I remember he was grimacing with fury and confusion, and leaning over the kitchen sink and then telling me to leave him alone – as if someone had just died. I thought getting upset because your son isn't going to be a small town football star was exceedingly lame. Later he blamed me almost entirely, as he had started to catch on that I had become a cold undermining force to him. His younger kids listened to me, not him. I guess there had been a fight, and David had said to my dad 'STOP TRYING TO LIVE THROUGH ME!'. Which did sound like a very 'me' thing to say, but it was all David. I think anyone around could see the dynamics for what they were. And if it was me, I feel very little sympathy. David's dream self was telling him not to play football, which to me means serious business. You don't fuck with dream stuff. It knows you in a way you don't. Plus, the world has too many 7th grade football players. It really does.

Of course, I wasn't happy with David either, but for different reasons. He went from being a sweet considerate person to being malicious towards Allison and I. It was getting harder to deal with, and I was trying not to hate him, but that resolve was breaking. I just couldn't go between two different realities, my brother as one of my best friends and my brother as someone who wanted to really hurt me. We ended up going up to my grandmother's house in my mother's van. My grandma was trying to get rid of her possessions. She had collected a lot over the years in her line of business. She couldn't sell things on eBay they way she used to. She was tired of packaging and shipping books. Plus, some weird asshole priest in town had taken it upon himself to see that the St. Vincent de Paul shut down – somehow in the complexity of the tax world this was going to financially benefit him personally. And that left my grandma out of work. So she was giving a lot of it away to my mother, who is almost a hoarder.

We drove up there, and a lot of it was work we couldn't really do. My uncle who remodels homes for a living, was also up there at my grandma's, remodeling a part of my grandma's house. It was kind of strange to see that room go. It was a special room full of crafts and beads. Different little tiny shelves went up to the ceiling, each one had a different kind of item inside. As a child I had been mesmerized and wanted to get into everything. He changed that room into something far more spacious – it's a better room ultimately, but for nostalgia reasons I will always miss the old room.

During our three or four day visit, we would sleep on the floor, and wake up early in the morning to the sun beaming down on us and to the snotty little noses of the Yorkies who excitedly sniffed us and licked our faces. On the second to last day of our visit, our uncle Rick wanted to take us rafting down the small river close to where my grandma lived. I was skeptical, as our last rafting trip had been pretty terrible with our father, but given that Rick had all the proper equipment and boats for all of us to use, and the fact that the water was manageably shallow – it wasn't some major north American river, just a forgettable small one, I eventually felt more optimistic.

My uncle Rick is an alcoholic/workaholic. He never had children, and he once told me this was intentional, as his alcoholism would destroy his kid's childhoods the way that my mother and her brother's childhood had been ruined by their own father. I don't particularly think my uncle Rick is all that great, but for some reason this answer was one of the most socially responsible and respectable answers I had ever heard come from someone in my family. It made sound sense to me.

Rick would work very rough jobs that gave him a lot of money and that took up most of his time. He was very anal about his work, and if you were trying to help him but weren't, he would shoo you away in a hostile fashion. After a job well done he would take that money and buy alcohol with it, get into insane fights, wreck his cars and get massive DUI's which cost him just about all the money he could have ever saved from the job he was doing, which would intern require of him to work even harder – causing him to stress and feel like drinking, and when he drank his life would fall apart rapidly and it all would happen over and over again. He will die an alcoholic. He even used to run his own AA meetings back in the 90's when he had a few years under his belt of sobriety – so he knows full and well what he is doing.

For some reason my uncle Rick reminds me intensely of my mother and father mixed together. It's uncanny and weird. He's not related to my father of course, whom I am sure sees nothing of himself in any member of his ex wife's family. But it's true. They are similar. And the differences are made up with the similarities he has with my mom – his sister. It's truly weird to me. The only addition to the mix is that he's a worse alcoholic than either of them. For this reason, I see him as a sort of parent to me, though I have never told him this, as it's a half handed compliment. Not that we are super close, but he's the complete hybrid of those two people who brought me into the world for whatever reason. And he's probably right, if he had kids he would ruin their lives. But since he didn't bring me into the world, I don't really have to hate him.

We ended up going on this rafting trip which was a lot of fun. Allison and I shared our boat. My uncle Rick and David shared another, and my mom was given her own. My mother didn't heed his warning that you should avoid the rocky shallow parts, since the rocks will eventually find a way to break a hole in your inner tube boat, and she felt sheepish and had to get in one of our boats when her boat collapsed. It all worked out though. It was a fifteen mile stretch of a shallow river/large creek (I don't know which). It was a perfect temperature. It was relaxing, and beautiful. All around us we saw fish in the clear water, and deer. I put it down as one of my more cherished wholesome memories – unconnected to anything sinister or complex. Just me out in the water. It is weird at moments of simple clarity and softness in living that I wondered about how I had stayed up all night contemplating suicide from a academic standpoint, or trying to make sense of human nature in my thought so it could be corrected. It was rare that I ever just had a day like that.

David ended up throwing this massive hateful tantrum towards me. He freaked out over a game of monopoly, and I don't remember what happened from there, but he was acting really rude and mean towards us. My blood pressure was up. I wanted to slam him in the face, but that wasn't something I was going to do now. I didn't want to do that ever again actually. So I kept my calm. I also could tell that he was trying to upset me and Allison. He wanted to see tears, and he was going at any length to get those tears. I was eventually made so mad I was afraid to speak, afraid to give him the satisfaction of upsetting me. I just pretended that he wasn't getting to me. Actually, it was really hurting me. It was disappointing me and making me feel horrible, and I didn't even know how to comprehend it. Eventually, as we were packing the van on the last day he caused some kind of chaotic issue with Allison and refused to pack this van. It wasn't a matter of packing your average van. It was like, two hours of work. And he just refused to help. My mother's back was out, and David said he would scream if Allison went out there – so my mother relented and sent Allison inside. If David had instead decided on going inside, seeing as he refused to be of service, this would have made it easier for Allison to come out and help, but he was intentionally setting it up so that I had to pack the van by myself.

My grandma watched, and I could tell she was frustrated. David had a way of using domestic terrorism to get his way. Everyone was afraid of him when he turned into this person. All the same, I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of frustration or tears. So for three hours, I worked up a huge sweat, my muscles tingling as I packed all of my mother's hoarder stuff into the van box by box, bag by bag, furniture piece by furniture piece. On the way back, Allison and David lived buried in stuff. They had only a little bit of breathing room. They must have resented the fact that I always got to sit in front, account of the fact that I was bigger than them, and the fact that I have always suffered extreme car sickness, making it inevitable I would be put up front anyway.

I packed the van, and while I did it David would glare at me and laugh at me and stick his face out at me like I should punch him. He sat there intentionally looking at me working, getting some weird satisfaction from sitting and doing nothing. Of course, maybe this was some kind of punishment for how I had babysat when I was thirteen years old. But I was twenty-one now! If we are all to suffer the consequences at the age of twenty-one, eight years after the fact, the god help us all. I was infuriated, but I somehow learned to use that fury and turn it into one psychotic grimacing smile. I held back, and when I finally had a half of a house worth shoved into the back of the van, I ran to the back room of my grandma's house, flopped face first into the blankets where my mother had slept on the floor, and just extruded this agonized fury in silence. I opened my mouth and nothing came out – only some black evil smoke that I had been holding in for several hours as I whistled past David. I closed my eyes and vividly imagined popping someone's eyes out of their sockets, clawing away at skin, snapping off fingers and toes. I had somehow held into this rage that was almost too much for me to bear. I felt shaky and weak and disoriented. And something emotionally strained in me broke. I loved David, but I didn't see him as my friend anymore. He was an enemy. He was old enough to know he was ruining the relationships he had with everyone around him and he didn't care. I had rarely if ever felt so hurt and frustrated as I had then. I could hear my mother's pampering voice in the kitchen, trying to appease him. I realized that ultimately, Allison and I were going to have to work around him, just like we worked around our parents. He was toxic. I hadn't let go of him as my brother. But I sort of knew from then on that things were going to go south for us. It had already started, and there was no way for me to reverse it.

At around this very same time, a totally bizarre situation happened, and it changed our family's dynamic forever. My dad had started occasionally visiting the local bars both in Kendrick and Juliaetta, a small town not far from there. He had met this young woman, this very young woman – only two or three years older than me. My father had just turned sixty. He didn't look that old – he still looked like he was in his late forties, but he was indeed sixty. It's not illegal, and I am not in the business of judging what two consenting adults do, but I really don't see a twenty three year old woman and a sixty year old man have in common. They had literally nothing in common. They had no shared interests or experiences. They didn't even really know how to talk to one another. She seemed confused and unstable. She had two kids, and a sad story and she needed a place to stay. I don't know if my father honestly deluded himself into thinking that he was going to be some kind of hero in a nonromantic way towards her, or if he had it in mind all along. He will always point to the woman and say it was her who initiated the relationship.

It started out he just gave her some money to help her out. He told me about it, chuckled nervously and assured me they weren't going to be in a relationship. And then she was calling him and soon they were suddenly an item. It all happened literally within a week. I remember the day it happened, and it was so strange. I had spent the day out in Lewiston with Sarah. We had listened to the Tom Waits record 'Heartattack and Vine' and Mr. Seigel had played. I ended up getting Mr. Seigel stuck in my head over and over again. And somehow I knew like, reality had shifted. Something had cracked to pieces and things were going to begin shifting all around me relatively rapidly. I didn't associate it with anything, I just knew everything was wrong, but it wasn't the kind of wrong you cry about or try to understand. It's the kind of wrong that has pushed the wheel towards sheer absurdism. You laugh in self defense because nothing makes any fucking sense anymore. Down is up. Something in the back of my head just tingled.

So I went in, and my father said that Crystal was going to be living in our house now with her two little boys, and she was suddenly just going to be the wife I guess? It was very weird. This woman was my age. Her father had sexually abused her, and she could never stop talking about it. It was very tragic. She was obsessed with older men who played some kind of role that her father had played. She literally talked about her father every single night. I don't really feel like this was wrong per say, but like, shame on my fucking dad. This in a way went beyond anything he had ever managed to do. It didn't even really effect me that badly. I just looked at this strange sister-mom and felt bad for her and thought my dad was a disturbed fucking idiot for bringing her in the house. I knew then and there too that he would never learn. Because he always was some kind of expert at the end of each failed relationship, and he always went on and on about how they were bad and he was good and he had learned his lesson. He imparted all kinds of confusing and harmful and clueless rhetoric. But never had I thought he would date someone this young, someone so obviously dealing with mental illness – someone who was literally looking for an old man to take her father's place in some horrible abusive scenario she kept reliving every day of her life. I remember just coming in the house and starting at my father straight in the face and shaking my head. He couldn't even go against me for that.

At the same time, he was in some kind of existential crisis because David had quit football. He had only now decided to see David's behavior as some kind of problem, conveniently when he wanted to punish David for something entirely stupid. David was staying up later than normal, which is totally normal for thirteen year olds. Furthermore, my father sometimes kept us up till midnight, so he was also just as guilty of letting us stay up late on school nights. But my father had his douchebag pants on I guess, and when he was in the upstairs hallway, he looked into David's bedroom and saw that David was awake. He started shouting at David to go to FUCKING BED!!!!! like a lunatic, and then David gave him some attitude, and My father lunged at David, grabbed him by the neck and slammed him against the wall and punched him in the face and accused him of being a 'faggot homosexual'. Then he kicked David out.

I only found out later on, once David's side of the story came to light. My father was very vague about the entire thing. I later found out the reason that he kicked David out was in part because Crystal thought David was 'weird'. My father was so insecure and was so embarrassed to have a nonfootball playing son who some local hillbilly woman-child of low intellect that he barely knew for two weeks had thought his own son, whom he had spent his entire life raising – and though indeed flawed, didn't deserve to be kicked out or abandoned or abused by his father for the very personal choice of choosing not to partake in school sports was worth throwing away on behalf of. I looked at this entire situation with absolute disgust. Despite my issues with David, he really did get fucked over. And if you haven't learned better by the age of sixty, you will never ever learn. You will forever be that hopeless.

I had actually been secretly planning to send Allison to live with our mother up till the point where David got there first. Between my father and brother, Allison's life was getting pretty shitty. I wanted her to experience a new school, to maybe find opportunities somewhere else. I knew the ship was sinking. Crystal was not the cause of it, she was just an indication. I didn't hate her at all. It was weird because we were both so close in age, I would invite her to take walks with us at night, and she would generally talk about her abusive childhood, drifting between idealizing how great it all way, and feeling abused and empty. I just listened to her. Her sons were totally unruly, but I learned to appreciate them as well for what they were. I knew Crystal couldn't help what she was doing really. She had little to no experience outside of bars and living in the middle of nowhere with old cowboys. She had never visited a big city before. She told me that she thought that the horror movie, The Ring was real. She thought all horror movies were real because she couldn't fathom that anyone could think something like that with their own imaginations.

The family unit was combusting. I knew I would be fine because wherever I went, Sarah and Allison were still my family. I suddenly found myself certain I would be getting out of there. Whenever I was feeling unsure of myself, I realized that I almost didn't have a choice, and Sarah was pushing me along and helping me so much. Compared to me, she seemed so organized and sociable and competent. As for David, what could I say? It's not that I didn't love David or worry about him. I wanted to beat my father's brains out for hurting him. But he really was on his own because every time I tried to get close he attacked me or Allison and it got to where saw him as a threat, though not as an enemy. There was nothing further I could do for him. I was really sorry because I knew that we were at this pivotal point where, the things that were going to happen in the coming year or so were going to effect and ripple throughout the rest of his life. The decisions he made now was going to shape his future in a way that was going to cause him to struggle horribly when he got older and realized the consequences of it all.

When David lived at my mother's I only got tidbits of their altercations. Eventually David shoved my mother, but then again, maybe it was my mother that shoved David? I couldn't tell the truth. Because my mother was having some kind of crisis, and so was David and they were both at each other's throats. And then, my mom started telling me that she had called the cops on David. David denied this ever happened. I know that it did a few times because I remember him saying so himself. But then again, my mother really could be lying. Talking about it now with anyone is hard because everyone's memory is warped by intense emotions. I knew the both of them to be half crazy. I also know my mom – if she finds out someone wants to hit her she does everything in her power to make them hit her. I remember once fighting with her and she started screaming with this big wicked smile on her face 'HIT ME!!! HIT ME!!!' and I just looked at her with confusion and disgust. Like she was putting her cheek out at me, and it was beyond stupid. She wanted to get the satisfaction of believing herself to be a victim. It's my mom's thing. She's always a victim. I just looked at her and said 'What the hell? I am not going to hit my own mother.' I felt bad if I even cussed at her, even when she full out deserved it. It's just not in my nature to get in the hog pin with my mom. It's debasing and unclassy and ultimately giving into this notion that my life was and forever would be so small, that conquering her pathetic self with an arrogant and mindless jab in the face in our dirty ass kitchen was the most I could ever hope for. I just had to keep my eye above them all. My revenge would be my freedom from it someday. I had to look to the great big beautiful and mysterious world I lived in and not into the abysmal eyeballs of these maniacs that I called family. I wanted to transcend them, not give into their awful ways.

David stopped going to school. A lot of it was my mother's fault. She didn't really care at first – probably didn't get him where he needed to be because she couldn't understand that you need to keep your kids in school. But then it became a legal issue, and David still refused to go to school and they had fights about it. He wasn't old enough to be making this decision for himself, and yet he was because nobody was in his life to create any kind of stability for him. My dad had thrown him by the wayside for Crystal's minor convenience. My mother was a selfish and distracted chaos queen. He was too young to even realize the consequences of not going to school. But on the other hand, how can I really blame David? I myself stayed in school only because I am thirty percent more afraid of authority than David was, and I had friends and romantic interests that kept me curious about my school life. I barely hung on by a thread, and if I hadn't had those things I might have stopped going altogether as well. David didn't have those minor favors that I did. And at his very same age, I only went to school half the time as it was. I just did it differently, and I went to a school that nobody in a position of state power was going to step in and force me to go to. Idaho is one of the most ungoverned states. You wouldn't believe the kinds of things people get away from outside of the major cities.

At around this same time, my sister Roxanne and her husband Jeremy split up. It was a long time coming, too long a time. Jeremy had become more and more violent and abusive each passing day. He raped Roxanne. He was selling drugs, and he was prepping Sagen, Roxanne's daughter to molest her. At one point, shortly before Roxanne had reached this point with him where she couldn't handle it anymore, her second youngest daughter Hayley, who was only six at the time woke up from a night terror and Jeremy ran in there, grabbed her off the ground by her hair mid sleep, and shoved her against the wall violently. All for having cried out loud in her sleep – which woke him up. The guy deserved to be dead in my book. I couldn't visit there anymore because Jeremy was such a horrible person I couldn't hold it in anymore. My mother had called CPS on Roxanne with my strong eager encouragement, and she had lost her three children she had with her ex, Jody. Jody was also awful, but not a cruel and sadistic monster like Jeremy. I mean, I would cross the street to avoid him for sure, but I wouldn't wish death on him. Sagen Roxanne kept, since Sagen was older and had more say in where she went, and Roxanne's youngest little girl, Meliah she kept as well. Meliah was temporarily kept with Jeremy's sister, who was strangely normal compared to her folks.

It all ended I guess when Jeremy, whilst high on meth, held a knife to Roxanne's neck and threatened to kill her, as he believed she was stealing his drugs. He held her hostage, and eventually one of his friends had to tackle him down to get Roxanne free. So Roxanne finally told him to leave. And at first, we were all relieved. She had been with Jeremy for nearly six years, and every time I thought about what Roxanne and Jeremy were both putting those kids through, whenever I tried to contemplate what Roxanne was going through I felt this sick jab in my chest. It was strange to see how Roxanne had evolved from the hyperactive little girl she had been into this adult. I loved Roxanne a great deal. I believe her bright personality is part of the reason I get excited and feel up for anything. And of course I liked her. But given the damage she was doing and had done to her children at the behest of a man, it was hard to feel like I could warm up to her. So we all thought that Jeremy was the key element in her life, and if he was gone everything would get better. It's not what happened.

Jeremy had kept Roxanne on drugs, but he had always been the master of the drugs and he chose how much she used and how often – in order to keep her competent enough to take care of the chores and the kids. With him gone, Roxanne was able to use all the meth and pills she wanted without him controlling her doses. And then she and Sagen started using together. It was crushing to hear about. Sagen had literally won an award at her school, hand signed by Barack Obama for her gifted intelligence and her excellence as a student. People had seen her as some future lawmaker or someone of great future thinker. Her principal cared about her on a very personal level. So when Roxanne got her own twelve year old daughter on meth with her, we were all besides ourselves. I couldn't believe it. And then soon Sagen just stopped going to school altogether. The state tried to tie her down. They tried to give her to her father, but she ran away. Sagen's father had molested her, and had very little to do with her life, and she hated him. She stole from him and fled. When she ran away, Sagen's father had the audacity to write the Dr. Phil show and told Dr. Phil about Sagen's behavior, and the show actually offered to fly her over with her parents and have it out on the show, which Sagen refused. It was so crazy. Like, I can imagine how absurd it would have looked. Sagen would have randomly called her father out as a molester, and Dr. Phil would have tried to throw her in some kind of boot camp or rehab or something in between. This is just how far my family's madness had gone. Dr. Phil wanted us on his show! I mean, not me obviously as my problems largely manifested themselves internally in a way that would not make for that great of entertainment. But that general anxiety and dysfunction permeated pretty much throughout everyone in our family.

To bring this down to the more mundane, and to mention something before I forget. All that summer, and well into the fall, Allison and David owned rabbits. They joined some kind of FFA rabbit club, that was run by this really creepy dude named Frank that lived at the end of town. Frank had always been this guy on Halloween that dressed in a gorilla suit, all four hundred pounds of him, and chased kids. He chased me when I was five, and it almost scared me to the point where I had to stop trick or treating. I imagine this might have bent my bias against him. He was well known to walk about town until he found someone to talk their ear off, and he thought of himself as an inventor, though he never invented anything.

Allison started talking to his son Wayne, this very heavy kid in her class who was always cruel to due to his weight and I was always prodding her to be nice to him. I had watched him once when he was five in the store. He was always a very outgoing and nerdy boy, and had always been fat. He came up to some girls who were my age to show them some toys he liked. He was absolutely innocent and adorable, and they had pretty much called him names and were incredibly cruel towards him. I remember seeing the look of hurt on his face, and when Allison was in his class, I always urged her to go against the grain and be nice to him. From a very early age, he learned that he wasn't equal to anyone else, and it was massively fucked up. He never was a very good friend to Allison however. He was guarded and kind of crazy. I mean, he wasn't awful – just kind of know-it-allish, and it turned out he was obsessed with Stalin and dictators and most definitely voted for Donald Trump in the last election, and that was really weird.

Allison got this Dutch lop. He was a soft and adorable. If you turned him on his back and cradled him like a baby he would close his eyes. Rabbits are very simple creatures though. I loved him, but we never could do much with him, and it felt weird to keep him locked in a cage his whole life. It's not the way rabbits should live. We also had to make sure he ate the right stuff. My father ended up feeding him some bulb plants at first and it nearly killed him. And it turned out being gay. It never would mate with other rabbits, and got frenzied with disturbing rabbit lust and slobbered sexually whenever it was around other males. He was normally a very soft cuddly creature, but when Allison took him to the fair that year, he hopped across the table and began attempting to forcefully mate with the other rabbits, and it became this huge fiasco at the local fair that nobody will ever forget. David ended up getting this English lop, which are huge, and have the big ears. At first the English lop was really cute, but he soon became vicious. He would attack you if you got near him. He was hard to feed, and he would look at you and bite the cage with his teeth. We ended up having to give him back.

Allison and David eventually left the Rabbit Club. Frank was getting really weird for the both of them. David's rabbit went mad being caged up and full of hormones, so he gave the rabbit back and left the club. I think Frank ate that poor boy. David just remembers staring at Frank as he was conducting a meeting, and Frank had this insane smile on his face. One of his toes was infected and green and there were flies eating away at it. David looked up at Frank, who know that David had been looking at his toe, and he smiled into David's eyes – sort like 'see?' Which was a very disturbing for David. He imagined that Frank was perhaps secretly feeding the flies on purpose or something, and liked the flies eating the infection of his toe. They were literally covering the wound.

Allison's rabbit we found a home for with one of my father's girlfriends. She had a big space for the fuzzy guy, and as far as I know he lived a happy life – considering. Allison left too because Frank and his wife wouldn't stop trying to force Allison to date Wayne, and that got very strange for everyone. Frank was so forward about it, he would talk as though Allison and Wayne were going to keep up his legacy together, and one time accused Allison and Wayne of 'humping in the back of the pick up as Wayne's parents drove' something foul and crude and it just made everyone really uncomfortable. Frank was very good at being just the most uncomfortable person. He always said the most disturbing things. His house was filthy and he kept his rabbits in inhumane conditions. The inside was filled with the filth of rabbit, and they never did the dishes. Allison just didn't want to go there anymore.

On the upside, David caught a kitten around Wes's house, the guy my mother took care of for a living. I haven't mentioned it a lot, but all three of us, me, Allison and David spent a lot of our time at Wes's for those years – mostly going with our mom and leaving with her after her work was done for the evening. It was sort of boring – the walls were stained with nicotine, there were always old westerns playing on television, occasionally some gross old perverted man would stop by for a visit. But Wes was kind of a member of our family. And he bought us things. He wasn't shouting that my mother marry him or any of that disturbing stuff anymore. He paid my mom's bills though, which was kind of weird. It really amazes me just how often my mother has gotten other people to pay her bills. She works hard, but spends hard and often is low on money, but she always found a way. Wes's was ultimately a lot nicer than staying at our mom's for the day. Wes in his wheel chair and his scratchy voice, usually getting slight better from some illness that had really taken him down. He would buy us shrimp dinners and give us birthday money and jobs to get paid for outside. After his previous animal companion had been killed by getting ran over, he bought a new dog. Her name was Samantha, and she is by far the most well mannered easy going creature I ever met. She was half Chow, half Newfoundland. She was all black, and there was absolutely nothing that would upset her in anyway. She was very fat because she had a thyroid issue and Wes kept feeding her sandwiches and KFC. We often had to shave her in the summer because it was too hot for her, and she looked like a gray ridiculous potato. Thankfully dogs don't know what they look like – otherwise she might have been a bit embarrassed.

The kitten that David managed to catch was a stray male cat. I asked if I could keep it and my father said yes. I had had a kitten the year before. But that neighbor dad drunk had caught her and sent her to the pound because he didn't want her to grow up and beat his outdoor cat up, Tux, whom he had declawed. Her name had been Frances, and to this day I am slightly furious. I had a collar on her and everything. You can't just go taking people's cats to the pound. Anyway, this new kitten I named Nim, after Nimue from Arthurian Legend. I believe it was Merlin's lover, if my memory serves me well. But then we found out a month later that Nimue was a boy, so I shortened it to Nim. It was nice to have a kitten to take care of.

Nim eventually grew to be very aggressive though. He went wild and ripped into me one day with the intent to kill me. My mother came over to pick up once, and he bit her so hard she needed stitches. He was nobody's favorite cat. And he had pica, which sounds cute but is actually a disease that causes cats to eat stuff they aren't supposed to neurotically. The delight in question was my little sister Allison's sausage curl locks. Never anyone else's hair, only hers. While she slept, he would creep up to her face and begin eating her curly black hair. She would wake up in the night with half of her hair literally wet with his saliva and chew up. It was aggressive and simultaneously like he was nursing I noticed as I watched him in horror a few times. Allison's whole face would be covered in Nim's drool and it smelled. We slept in the same bed, so eventually I stayed up and waited for him to guard her against such intrusions. I would take him and throw him off her, and he would immediately run manically back up to her head and begin chewing aggressively whilst looking me dead in the eye, and I would throw him off. It became a war where I blocked him as he attempted obsessively to get to her hair. Eventually, he sort of gave up, but I had to keep waking up occasionally to make sure he wasn't up to trouble.

PART 77 - https://tinyurl.com/yc8bathg

PART 76 - https://tinyurl.com/y95kx2bo

PART 75 - https://tinyurl.com/y9afl9of

PART 74 - https://tinyurl.com/ydfkomx9

PART 73 - https://tinyurl.com/y6vy2jeu

PART 72 - https://tinyurl.com/yaegqs9x

PART 71 - https://tinyurl.com/y6v3ln9a

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-70 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-70

#text #writing #life story

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so-caffeinated · 7 years ago

Note

I loved this week's chapter and the look into Ameliam as "friends"! You told me to mention the Amelia and Oliver flashfic after this weeks chapter, so here I am mentioning it...

lol… i completely forgot that i said this… OKAY, let’s flashfic it. Giving myself an hour and 20 minutes, no edits. Let’s see how this goes…

November is colder than usual this year and the bustle of holiday shoppers in the streets is both fast-paced and well-populated. It’s a good sign for the economy, Amelia thinks, and she’s happy for it even if her focus is entirely on work. She’ll get her shopping done later. Or… well, probably her assistant will get it done for her, but presents will be bought and isn’t that the point?

Passing the retail shops, she ducks into a higher end restaurant and slips off her hat and coat as she looks around. It doesn’t take long to spot the person she’s got a lunch meeting with. Oliver Queen has the sort of presence that draws people’s attention, after all.

With six solid years in the state senate under his belt, Oliver Queen has increasingly become a man of influence in this state. He’s an ally you want and an adversary you don’t. As chief of staff for Central City’s mayor, Amelia’s found herself on both sides of that coin with him on various issues, but today is definitely the former and she’s glad for it. Going up against Senator Queen on anything is never a pleasant experience. Or, generally, a successful one.

“Mister Senator,” she greets, as she approaches. He rises from his seat and shakes her outstretched hand clasped between both of his.

“It’s Oliver, Amelia,” he corrects, looking more amused than is really warranted. “Unless you want me calling you Madam Chief of Staff throughout lunch?”

She wrinkles her nose up at that and relents, taking a seat and a sip of the ice water already in place at her setting. “Fair enough, Oliver. We’ll play it your way. For now. But the minute we start talking about the corporate tax rate, I’m going back to Mister Senator.”

He chuckles at that and grins at her, the amusement makes him look a couple of decades younger for a moment. “Well it won’t exactly be a friendly meeting anymore then, will it?” he asks.

“Probably a good thing that’s not on today’s docket,” she agrees. “Plenty of other things to focus on… like your pending crime prevention initiative. Central City is absolutely on board. The mayor likes what she’s seen of it so far, but we clearly have special considerations, given our population. Metas aren’t a huge percentage of our offenders, mostly thanks to The Flash, but the ones we do have tend to be violent. Talk to me about how we address that and then we can sort out how to lock down Stanley and Whitter’s votes. That’ll put pressure on McIntyre and Powers.”

They’re all business for the next hour as they map out details and fine-tune plans. By the time they’ve both eaten and are both savoring a truly fantastic French Press coffee, Amelia’s confident both that Oliver’s initiative will pass and that it’ll make a difference in her city. Not a dramatic one, of course. There’s no full, fast, or complete fix for crime. But even a tick in the right direction in a good move and she’ll take what wins they can get.

Business is more or less concluded when her phone chirps and she means to just give it a quick glance and get back to discussing plans for the holidays but the message itself distracts her.

God does it distract her and she bursts out laughing before covering her mouth with her hand to muffle the noise.

“I’m sorry,” she says, still grinning as she shakes her head at Oliver. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he tells her, one eyebrow ticked in mild curiosity.

“Just…” she stops and shakes her head again, not sure why she feels compelled to explain. “Definitely not a text I expected.”

She holds up her phone for him to see and his reaction is very nearly the same as her’s had been.

But then, that’s not surprising considering there’s a photo of his son with a face full of very poorly applied makeup. He’s staring deadpan into the camera, his six-year-old sister’s hand barely visible in the frame, holding a tube of the brightest pink lipstick Amelia’s ever seen.

Why is that so endearing? It makes her want to rush over and teach little Beth all about how to put on makeup, makes her want to guide the little girl’s hand as she uses Will as her model, makes her want… well she can’t even think about the rest of what it makes her want, can she?

Just a friend or not, Will’s a painfully sexy guy and one of the most charming people she’s ever met. She can’t help being drawn to him. That’s been a problem from day one and, if she’s being honest, it’s worse now that they’re friends, now that she knows him. And seeing him like this? Like someone so incredibly devoted to his family, so willing to play the fool for their amusement… It builds a steady sense of longing in her that’s far deeper than attraction or that ever-present chemistry that zings between them.

She wants to be there, wants to laugh and kiss that ridiculous lipstick off of him and knock them both over as she laughs against his lips. She wants…

“What are you doing, Amelia?”

The question is soft, lacking any sense of accusation whatsoever, but it snaps Amelia back into the moment. It’s only then that she realizes she’s biting her lip and staring at her screen with her finger tracing Will’s face. The idea that she let that much show in front of anyone, much less in front of Will’s father, is a bit terrifying. Later, in a more honest moment of soul searching, she’ll wonder if part of her did this on purpose, if some bit of her was looking for the conversation that followed.

“I’m… nothing,” she says nervously, locking her screen and pocketing the phone. “I’m not doing anything.”

The weight of Oliver’s eyes on her is tremendous. It feels like it’s burning right through her and she knows his scrutiny sees everything there is to see, everything she’s fought to hide, even from herself.

“Can we pretend for a minute that this isn’t a business lunch?” Oliver asks her. “As Will’s dad, I think it’s past time you and I had a talk.”

Amelia stares at her cooling coffee for a moment, letting those words rattling around her head before she nods and gives Oliver a sideways glance. “Sure,” she agrees.

“I like you,” Oliver tells her. “But I love my son. And he’s in love with you.”

That’s a hell of a lot more sudden and blunt than Amelia could have expected and she finds herself sucking in a sharp breath and staring down at her lap as she fidgets with the edges of her napkin.

“I don’t know what you’re doing,” Oliver continues. “I’m not even sure you know. But if you aren’t going to let yourself love him back, I’m gonna ask you to let him go.”

The very idea of that is like a punch to the gut and she finds herself nauseous at the words. She blinks rapidly to clear her vision before glancing back toward Oliver. There’s still no judgement there and for that she’s grateful. He’s just a father trying to look out for his son and it strikes Amelia quite suddenly how much she likes this entire family.

“He’s my friend,” she defends. It’s thin and Oliver sees right through it. His face is all sympathy as he smiles sadly back at her and it’s almost too much to take.

“No, Amelia,” he counters. “He’s not. He’s your road-not-taken. And he deserves better than that.”

She doesn’t know what to say to that, so she says nothing. Instead, she looks back to her lap and wonders how, exactly, it came back to this. Thad or Will. She’s already made this choice. Made it more than once. So why, exactly, does it never seem to stick? What is it about Will - or about Thad - that keeps bringing her back to this decision.

“I just want my son to be happy, Amelia,” he tells her. “And the longer this goes on with you two… If it ends up going nowhere, you and I both know it’s just going to hurt him. Neither of us want that. …Do we?”

“No,” she breathes out. “I don’t want to hurt him. That’s the last thing I want.”

“Then I think you know what you need to do,” Oliver tells her, standing up and straightening his jacket.

But the truth of it is… she doesn’t. Because there’s a reason she keeps coming back to this, keeps finding herself questioning that same decision she’s already made. She’s been comfortable calling him a friend these last few months and there’s been a steadily growing seed of something at the core of their newly minted friendship that feels like it has deep roots already firmly fixed in her soul. And she thinks… she thinks maybe Moira was wrong. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe Will is inadvertantly proving that to her every single day in little ways. Maybe if the best part of her day is when she FaceTimes him during a coffee break at work instead of a dinner date with her boyfriend at night, that says a lot.

Maybe she needs to make a change.

“Honestly, Oliver…” she says, looking up at him. “I’m not sure that I do.”

#FiCoN #flashfic #ameliam #amelia prescott #will queen #oliver queen #DAMN IT AMELIA

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