#like my desire to categorize is so strong when it comes to songs but my choices are so limited 😭

[paeinovis]

My toxic trait is that since that only 90% of the music I listen to isn't character playlist "worthy" (i.e. not mostly instrumental or like oughts pop/80s) I end up having the same like three artists

[bangaveragewhitewine]

Clean Slate

Steve Harrington X Reader 

It’s summer in Chicago, 1994. Being single in the city isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You feel less strong single independent woman, and more like the lonely teenager who floated between friend groups. A blind date with a familiar face might just be the clean slate you didn’t know you needed.

Clean Slate playlist

Word count: 2.3k

Warnings/Content: Both you and Steve are in your late-twenties. Some mentions of anxiety and feeling lonely. Other than that, flirting. Steve being dreamy. No use of Y/N and the reader is referenced as a being woman.

Author’s Note: Being in your late twenties sucks, huh? I’m just getting back into writing again, inspired by the amazing authors who have made me fall in love with Steve Harrington & Eddie Munson again and again. I had such fun writing this and fucking around on Canva 💖

Please do not do any AI fuckery with my work or repost on other sites.

(divider by me, that’s why it sucks)

edit: Read Pinch Me a follow up to Clean Slate

This was a bad idea. With every step you took from the subway, your desire to be back on your sofa eating pasta in your pyjamas grew more and more. A blind date? You definitely hadn’t been in your right mind when you agreed to this. Thinking back on it, when had being wine-drunk with your best friend ever cultivated a good decision?

After a steady stream of bad first dates, disappointing situationships and one walking red-flag you had called your boyfriend for eight months, Annie had finally taken pity on you and took charge of setting you up with someone. Over almost room-temperature white wine and an empty pizza box, she had made you pinky-promise to trust her as Mermaids played in the background. She couldn’t stand any longer to see you cry over preppy yuppies and wannabe grungers who only wanted to meet you to hook-up or string you along (alongside several other women who also deserved better). She had seen how deep it cut when you were stood up, left waiting by the phone by some mediocre poser who had already moved on. Slurring her words, Annie had held your tear-stained face and told you that you were wasting the best years of your life on idiots who stamped on your big heart and dimmed your light. Bolstered by her words, and more wine, you ended up dancing and scream-singing in your little studio apartment to a mixtape of songs from your college days and fell asleep on your second-hand sofa with your pinky fingers linked.

A few days later, after the hangover had subsided and you had done your best to forget your tearful confession of just how lonely you felt in the city, Annie called you up to ask if you were free on Friday night. Thinking another girl’s night was on the cards, you said yes. 

“Great. I have someone I want you to meet, he works with my brother. Does Hardy’s at 8 work for you?” 

The pinky-promise with your best friend since college could categorically not be taken back and so you found yourself reluctantly agreeing. As long as he wasn’t a murderer, or as emotionally unavailable as your last three suitors, how bad could it be? 

“Well when you fall in love and have beautiful babies, just remember who set you up, m’kay?” Annie had said when you called her up, considering cancelling. “You’re going!”

After going away to college from your small town upbringing, a move to Chicago was supposed to be the ultimate dream, but inside you still felt like the awkward teenager from Hawkins, Indiana. The outsider at every party, every hang-out at the mall or the arcade. The add-on to every friend group who said ‘you can come with us if you want to’ instead of an actual invitation. When you called your mom on the phone, she insisted that you had it all, that you were a real modern woman. She had been married and was already a mother at your age, and she was proud that you had the opportunity to be the bright independent woman you always wanted to be. It just didn’t seem so shiny now that it was your reality. 

With the bar in your sights, you took a deep breath and swiped the tiny beads of sweat that gathered over the bridge of your nose. Summer in the city was heavy with humidity; you could feel the lining of your long slip dress clinging to your thighs, riding up under the delicate black floral. The claw-clip holding up your hair was truly doing the lord's work, keeping your freshly washed blow-dry blind date-ready. 

You knew very little about your date - his name was Steve, he was a teacher with great hair. He was going to be wearing a blue shirt and would be on the lookout for the girl with the pink rose embroidered on her bag. Your entire outfit had been put together around the one piece you loved that could be picked out in the Friday night crowd of the bar. Classic first date; Annie was committed to helping you live the rom-com fantasy you deserved.

Des’ree’s words of wisdom, and your best friend’s blunt insistence that you were a hot bitch, echoed in your head as you took a moment to compose yourself and let your hair down over your clammy neck. Inside the bar was barely any cooler as you made your way through the stragglers from after-work drinks mingling with those who were just starting their night out. The desire to go home had never been stronger as you propped yourself by the jukebox and waited, trying not to cringe as you thought about what you looked like to the couples and groups of friends drinking and laughing around you. It felt far too similar to the house parties of your youth. What if he didn’t turn up? Or worse, what if he did and turned on his heel after realising you were his date? What could be best described as an overwhelming feeling of dread crept over you as you fidgeted with the strap of your bag, trying not to look too eager for the mystery that was Steve. 

Hearing your name brought you back to reality and out of your doom-spiral. As if. Steve Harrington was making his way over, the crowd parting with ease for him. Surely you had hit your head and this was some sort of dream…

“Hey…” A smile crept onto his face as his eyes darted between you and the beacon that was the rose embroidered on your bag. A city of millions and your blind date was the boy who had defended your honour at the age of five years old after Daniel P. pushed you in the playground; Steve had called him a ‘butthead’ and told Mrs Holland on the other boy.

You hoped that the dim light of the bar hid your pink cheeks as Steve stopped in front of you, looking even more dreamy than he had at junior prom. The blue shirt made him glow golden, fitting just right over the breadth of his shoulders. His hair was coiffed perfectly, defying humidity and gravity and giving him a few more inches of height. 

“Steve..” You couldn’t help a shaky laugh as the realisation washed over you both. It was easier to tune out the rest of the bar as he pulled you in for a quick but tight hug. You could have sighed at the feeling of his arms around you; you might have done just that, melted into a puddle of a girl had he not peeled away to get a good look at you. An irritating little pocket of anxiety in your chest could hardly believe he remembered you. 

“Nice bag. I think you’re the girl I’ve been looking for.” 

You felt like you could swoon. Or moan. Steve Harrington was effortlessly charming, more so than when he reigned in Hawkins High. Losing his crown had humbled him, that and working retail in your dead-end hometown. He looked genuinely pleased to see you, someone familiar in a city of strangers. You feel your teeth sink into the dusty-rose of your lip as you smile. 

“Thanks.” You will your voice not to shake as your heart pounds hard. “Annie told me you had great hair. I should’ve known it was going to be you.”

His laugh is soft, but you can still hear it over the music and voices in the bar. With one huge gentle hand on your elbow, he steers you to the bar to order drinks, standing close enough to see the sprinkling of moles and freckles on his neck and cheek and the hair peeking from the unbuttoned top of his shirt. Steve Harrington was a man now, all grown up. 

“She did, huh? I think I’ve met her once, I work with her brother,” Steve edges closer so that you could hear him. “How long’ve you been in Chicago?” 

“She didn’t even know you were ‘The Hair’.” You smiled and felt the weight of his gaze; you couldn’t ignore the sparkling feeling in your tummy. “Um I left Hawkins in ‘86, went to college in Indy. Moved here in ‘93.” Steve leans in to hear you, nodding as you count up the years in your head. “You’re a teacher? So are you more Scott Clark or Coach Kelly?” 

Steve laughs again and shakes his head as he pays for your drinks. “Neither. Maybe a little Clarke, without the sweater vests. I teach third grade so they would definitely roast me if I did.” He runs a hand through his hair, smirking, “But I do coach basketball after school too, you got me.” He spots a seat and steers you to a little high-top table, pulls out the stool for you before sitting opposite, visibly relaxed. There’s something about how you have bypassed the awkward introductions part of the date that makes you feel a little more at ease. But this is Steve Harrington. Any minute now he’ll make a polite excuse to leave after remembering how bookish and weird you were in school. 

Except he doesn’t. 

“I still can’t believe it’s you. You look great,” he says, not trying to flirt too hard. Steve is looking at you like he’s happy you’re here. Happy you’re his date. 

“I can’t believe you remember me. I was.. so boring,” you laugh at your own expense before sipping your drink, looking at the ice clicking against the glass. 

“Quiet maybe. Not boring though,” he ducked his head, making you look into his golden brown eyes. “Hey. Clean slate? That’s why we left Hawkins. If you can forget how much of an ass I was in high school, I can forget…” Steve pauses and hums as he thinks back. 

Forgettable. Unremarkable. That’s how you felt, blending into the background everywhere you went. You hadn’t been a cheerleader, or even a band-geek. Yeah you went to parties, but usually left early. You didn’t monologue on the lunchroom tables or get detention, and in the one play you auditioned for, they asked you to paint the sets - you couldn’t fade any further into the background if you tried. 

And Steve had never been an ass to you; his kingly confidence had burned fast and bright in the school halls until his fall from grace. He had always been polite, kind even; he asked to borrow a pen a few times, scolded Carol Perkins when she pushed past you and made you drop your lunch one time. He did just enough on a group project on Macbeth to keep him on your good side…

“Huh.” Steve frowns, looking a little fond as you snap yourself back to reality. “I can’t remember anything embarrassing about you. All good.” 

Your cheeks flamed and you couldn’t stop the nervous giggle that bubbled up from your chest. “Smooth, Harrington. Wow, remind me how you’re single?” He was definitely just being nice. You could remind him about the time you drank way too much peach schnapps and lemonade at Tammy Thompson’s 18th birthday and had to be picked up by your mom, or when you said ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism’ in ninth grade - both of which still haunted you when you tried to fall asleep. But Steve just grins back at you. 

“I mean it! You had that pink scrunchie permanently attached to your body, and a little snort laugh. Totally cute, not embarrassing at all.” He stays smiling as he sips his beer, seeing how you’re stunned that he remembers. Not smug, totally hot and he’s not even trying. You’re aghast.

“You remember my fucking scrunchie…?”  “If you tell me you still have it…” “Steve, it’s literally on my bedside table.”

Steve’s laughter makes you join in, snorting involuntarily as your shoulders shake, which just makes him laugh more. It's been a long time since a date made you laugh like this, let alone feel like you’re floating. 

When you both settle, Steve reaches over and takes your hand. You remember how you had wondered how holding his hand might feel when you saw him walk Nancy Wheeler to class way back when. It felt better than you ever dreamed it might. 

“Hey. Lemme tell you something, when I saw you over there I wanted to come right up and say hi. And then I saw your bag…it made my week.” 

Butterflies soar in your belly and you feel your cheeks heat up again. “Steve..”

“But just know, I thought you were cute in school. I just.. had my own shit going on and I was pretty shitty for a few years. So if you can give a reformed asshole a chance, I’d love to hear about how you’ve been, and actually get to know you.”

Steve squeezes your hand as CeCe Peniston sings Finally to the bar. The song totally sinks in now as you squeeze Steve’s hand in return, making him beam a smile your way. 

“Okay, Clean slate. But Steve? I totally had a crush on you. Even when you were doing keg stands and goofing around in math.” You make him smile even brighter, even as he shakes his head. 

“So cute. Damn, you’re definitely trouble.”

“Guess you’ll have to find out.” You raise a brow and sip your drink again, feeling less anxious now. The drink helped, but knowing that you could make an impression on Hawkins High royalty was certainly bolstering. 

“One question. Very important.” You straighten up before leaning toward him, almost conspiratorially. You don’t miss how his eyes dip to your lips before meeting your gaze. 

“Go for it.” “Are you sure about the sweater vests? I think you could really make them work.”

Now it’s your turn to grin into your glass as Steve throws his head back. “Oh I’m so in trouble with you.” 

He lifts his glass, meeting you in the middle to clink it against yours with a signature Steve Harrington wink. Maybe something good could come from a wine-soaked pinky promise.

bonus Steve inspo for the girlies who made it to the end - ily💖

[arlechinav-blog]

Mediterranean Trancework Part III: Prophecy

Prophecy is a bit hard to categorize in English. It can basically be distilled into the concept of truths humans shouldn't be able to pull out of thin air without divine assistance. And it can be hard to separate prophecy from divine madness without understanding the different ways that these things manifest. Probably the most important aspect of it comes in the form of Proof of State.

Proof of State is established in a lot of different ways in trancework but it is always present where gods and spirits are concerned. This helps to weed out charlatans because proof of state is hard to fake. If you can do it then you can do it, if you can't then you can't. End of story.

Spoken Prophecy is a skill and proof of state is established by being able to perform that skill. There is a reason why prophecy is given in verse in theatrical representations of it. It is because traditional Mediterranean forms of prophecy (not divination, there is a difference in mediums there) involves spontaneously composing accurate prophetic verses--often in song or some kind of rhyme. There are expected poetic formats for it as well. These link the number of lines, syllables, and meter to symbolic numbers related to whatever they are doing.

For instance, those who speak for the dead traditionally compose their utterances in 6 lines with each line possessing 9 syllables. Always in divisions of 3 because death dances and death traditions in general play off of the number 3 quite a bit and all of those things go together. These songs are usually improvised on the spot at funerals where these practices are still observed. These songs form the background of funerary dances so they have to fit the pattern to go with the steps that everyone knows.

A good living example of this tradition exists in the Corsican voceru (singular) or voceri (plural). A voceritrice will speak from the perspective of the deceased to call out the living who wronged them in life. They speak on injustice endured by the deceased as well as express feelings of longing and desires for what they have left behind. These poetic expressions are often then carved as epitaphs on the deceased's gravestone. Giving everyone a unique voice in death and giving the living a chance to atone for their misdeeds before facing the cursed consequences of a pissed off ghost. (Perhaps not exactly a haunting--unless they were murdered--but more of a curse that befalls the living when they do something bad to someone and that person then dies.)

Prophecy has very strong celestial associations. Gods and spirits associated with the stars, with birds, and with pretty much anything that floats in the sky will usually have something to do with prophecy in some context. I think the folkloric idea behind that is that the sky itself sees everything and therefore knows everything but I am sure there are multiple layers to it. Certain cults focus on it more than others. For example, the cult of the Mountain Mother involves some aspects of prophecy. It is an ability given to the Deity Brides of the Mountain Mother--who compels all kinds of spirits. It is also associated with the sun, poetry, music, and gods like Astraios in particular. It can sometimes be applied to the Muses as well because they compel certain individuals to speak divine truth--which is in the same family of concepts. Birds and snakes are both envoys of prophecy in that they embody spirits and pass freely between the spiritworld and the mortal world.

Not all snakes though. Snakes are kind of a wildcard in iconography. Their exact meaning depends on the other context clues that surround them. So, snakes shown in the context of Dionysian ritual are not implying prophecy--just the presence of spirits. And if you have been reading along on some of my other posts you may also be aware that spirits heckin lie all the time. So, you may very well receive messages from spirits but unless those messages are true and they pass from your lips in appropriate verse, that's largely regarded (folklorically) as spirit gibberish/ divine madness.

And before we go any further on prophecy, let us take a moment to talk about spirit gibberish. Glossolalia is the language of spirits. I believe the classical Hellenic concept for this can be translated as "belly talk." It is usually described as being done in a demonic voice--basically using your 2nd set of vocal cords--which hurts like hell if you aren't used to doing it. It sounds like gibberish, it is gibberish. You may be able to understand it in the moment but nobody else will and that is the big difference between these things.

Prophecy is true, comprehensive even if cryptic, and rare. Spirits babble pretty much constantly so divine madness and spirit gibberish are neither rare nor really something to act on. It is there as part of the expected landscape. It happens in trancework quite a lot, especially in spirit possession traditions. But even the highest ranking spirits that possess mortal bodies are full of carp. It is always best to ignore it.

(Bet you thought that was a spelling error. lol)

Divine madness may not come to you in a demonic voice. You may just feel an idea or phrase pop unbidden into your mind that sounds kind of wise. Go ahead and tell somebody about it or write it down and read it later and it will sound neat but will ultimately be completely useless. Divine madness is like a windfall apple. You didn't ask for it. You have no way of knowing where it came from. And if you put it in your mouth there is a good chance you will find it rotten. It is fun, sacred in its own way, but it is not prophetic and should not be treated as anything special.

We are all just human and all divine stuff can seem wise and actionable but only prophecy is true. Proof of state keeps these concepts separate where we can enjoy each of them for what they are. the other thing that helps to compartmentalize these concepts is the ritual itself. Prophecy, like other forms of deeper Mediterranean trancework, is initiated by a combination of legomena (sacred words) and deiknumena (sacred items) to get to the desired dromena (responses/behaviors).

To have some control over where your divine inspiration is coming from, and making sure you get a good source for it, you make an opening prayer to a trusted deity or spirit associated with the type of prophecy that you are seeking. Asking that deity or spirit to guide you by forming the words in your mouth and asking that those words be true. You will also burn fragrant things associated with that deity or situation. This establishes a proper divine link and gets you into a receptive state. Covering the eyes and removing excess stimuli can help a lot, veiling is pretty essential to maintaining the receptive state. Others might close their eyes. This is part of why the archetype of the blind bard is so entrenched in Aegean and wider Mediterranean prophetic folklore. It is because the eyes are a distraction and being without them implies a naturally more prophetic state.

The entranced will then hum or drone, sometimes while rocking in a seated position, and wait for the inspiration to come. If and when it does, it will be improvised completely on the spot. Some prophecies are short and sweet. If we add the divine composition of epics into this then they can just go on and on for hours. Droning and polyphonic chant are associated with states of divine inspiration, partially because they can be sensory blockers. Like closing or covering the eyes, the echoing sound of a drone (such as you might get while singing in a cave) reverberating back at you can help block out other sounds and make it easier to receive divine inspiration. Basically you are engaging in ritualized sensory deprivation.

So the opening prayer constitutes the initiatory legomena, the incense, veiling, humming, and rocking motions initiate the deiknumena, and the prophecy spontaneously composed in verse is the expected dromena--which also provides the proof of state if the utterances are true.

This can happen to anyone but it most frequently is associated with women (including Trans) and non-binary persons. Gender does have traditional spiritual authority here but folklore gets a vote, not a veto. The gods and spirits choose who can do it and when. Sometimes an affinity for doing it repeatedly can arise in a person. That can be taken as a sign of favor from a deity and may lead to a relationship as a Deity Bride.

Which brings us to the last post in this series. Read more in Part IV: Deity Bridalwork

[ditttiii]

Enchanted To Meet You || 5.5 || JK’s Interlude.

Banner by: @thebannershop​

◈ Summary: No one ever told you that you had a soulmate or—soulmates, for that matter. Humans don't have soulmates, but shapeshifters do. What are you supposed to do when the seven members of the worlds biggest boy band turn out to be your soulmates—only for you to realise that they aren't even human

BTS is on a hiatus and ARMY thinks they are completing their mandatory military service. You believe that too, at least you did until you realised that you had adopted them and that one way or another they were gonna live with you—as Hybrids because apparently, you all are soulmates. 

◈ (Hybrid AU // Soulmate AU) (Fluff // humour // smut // angst  // eventually NSFW) (NC-18) (Ot7 x Reader) (slow burn)

◈  series master-list

◈ Word Count: 2051

◈ Warnings: Maybe one curse word? PG-13 (sfw)

You're the debt that brought me back to my life 너는 내 삶에 다시 뜬 햇빚 The Second Coming of My Dreams as a Child 어린 시절 내 꿈들의 재림 I don't know what this feeling is 모르겠어 이 감정이 뭔지 Is this a deceitful dream? 혹시 여기도 꿈 속인건지

Jungkook hates quite a few things in his life at the moment—hates having to hide from his soulmate, hates that he has to pretend like he was just a rabbit and not a living, breathing human too, however more than anything else he hates himself. 

God, he despises himself now more than ever. He had hurt you, made you cry, made you fear your own home. He was supposed to be someone you felt safe with, and yet he almost gave you a heart attack today.

Jungkook at the moment feels like a fraud, a sham as he gazes at you—looks at your peaceful, sleeping face. Small, warm puffs of breath hits his head and he feels his fur move under the soft force. 

‘Tingles’, He thinks.

He feels your warm presence cocoon him as his body heat mingles with yours. Here, curled beside your sleeping figure like this, he can't help but curse himself. His self-loathing at an all-time high, as he thinks back to what had happened a few hours ago. 

He knew it was a possibility, knew that it could happen.

The chance of you coming home suddenly and catching him in his human form wasn't an improbable one.

Jungkook, though, couldn't stand it anymore. It wasn't like he would have died if he hadn't shifted, but being a rabbit all the time wasn't the most comfortable feeling ever either. 

His bones ached, and his muscles were sore because of the prolonged shifted state. 

He also wasn't used to being in his animal form for an extended duration of time. He'd usually shift back after a few hours, and so this wasn't a problem he had been aware of before. 

The feeling of staying shifted for days on end had him feeling claustrophobic. It was the kind of claustrophobia he thinks he would experience if he was locked inside a too tiny box with his limbs wrapped awkwardly and uncomfortably close to his body. 

Suffice to say it wasn't the most comfortable state of being. 

His plan was to make use of the few minutes while you were out shopping to shift back to his human form and just stretch. He hadn't planned on staying like that for longer than maybe ten minutes. But when he had shifted-back the relief—oh god, the relief was almost intoxicating.

It's potency so concentrated, he had ended up groaning out loud as his eyes rolled to the back of his head. 

The numbing, constant aching of his bones and muscles, more than anything else, had left him feeling exhausted for the last few days. The pins and needles feeling when he had shifted back was enough to send him tumbling down onto the floor, as his unsteady feet refused to hold his weight. 

Jungkook had been practising boxing with his trainer before all of this had happened. He also had a black belt in Taekwondo—the very principle of which was to harness an indomitable spirit. He was fit, active, athletic and buff. Staying shifted for extended periods into a form so much smaller than his human one, was borderline torturous at times. 

Jungkook simply did not know how he was supposed to hold back. 

He had many qualities that he was admired for, but iron like self-restraint wasn't exactly one of them. Maybe, more like the lack, thereof the aforementioned, self-restraint would be more appropriate. 

Jungkook wasn't born talented. Not like the rest of the band members. As a student, he wasn't really the brightest pea in the pod either, his math skills are still nothing to boast about. 

What most people saw was the end product, the final result that would come out after Jungkook would spend hours, days—months, perfecting it. He had said it before, but in reality, he wasn't as perfect as his stage persona portrayed him to be. While BTS's Jungkook was perfection personified, with his precise dance timings and on-point vocal notes, Jeon Jeongukk struggled.

When Jeongukk had first joined BTS, he had been more of a dancer than he was a singer. He had never, ever had the assumption or even the hope, that he would be chosen as the main vocalist. When he was rejected during the auditions for Superstar K, the talent show, Jeongkook was heartbroken.

It wasn't something he had ever talked in-depth about to ARMY, but his confidence in his vocal skills had taken a hit that day. He had chosen his then idol, IU Noona's song, and had sung it for weeks, perfected every single note until the feel of that vibration, the beat of that rhythm had synced to his very pulse. 

But he was rejected, cast out before his audition could even be broadcasted. 

He till date can't fully understand why bighit, let alone seven fucking agencies, had thought he was worth their time. Maybe it was fate playing its card and bringing him together with his soulmates, or it was just a coincidence—he didn't know why and probably never would. 

He knows that it wasn't exactly a necessity for all of his soulmates to be idols, you clearly weren't. He knew precisely how lucky he was, and was therefore so utterly thankful that he could share his passion and love with all of his soulmates. 

Yes, All of his soulmates, you included.

Jungkook isn't a snooper, not really. Sure, he has always been curious by nature, and his maknae persona only fuelled that image, thus overtime making him seem more like the baby in the group—but no he wasn't a snooper. 

He knows how much he values his personal space and, so would never deliberately try to breach upon someone else's but you—god you, made him do things he would never choose to do before. 

He hadn't wanted to, or well maybe he did want to, but he definitely didn't mean to. It wasn't like he had been planning to check your laptop folders. 

No, because when just stretching hadn't quite fully loosened his body, he had thought he'd do a quick dance routine and get the blood flowing. How was he supposed to know that he would find BTS songs, their songs, his songs on there?

He shouldn't have been surprised, but he still was. Their fandom was pretty big, and the chances of a college girl listening to their music were pretty high. You were part of the demographic that they aimed and catered most towards, so it was to be expected, but it still caught him by surprise. 

Dressed in one of your loose hoodies and a pair of loose pyjamas, he looks at the screen. 

His breath still hitched in his throat as his eyes widened, glossy, doe-like large and oh so so curious.

His grip on the back of your chair slips, as he stumbles before getting a hold, and slowly sinks down onto the empty seat. Thinks about how you have probably spent hours pouring over your medical texts in the same exact chair, and that makes him feel closer to you. 

He has been curled around you, has slept with his face literally pushed into your cleavage, but somehow the simple act of sharing a space that you spent a lot of your time in, sends his heart racing as a small smile overtakes his lips and he bites them to stop it from spreading entirely.

He fails, of course, he does. 

He clicks on the folder titled 'BTS' and watches a list of sub-folders pop up on his screen. His heartbeat rises—thuds and beats strong enough that he feels it in his ears, in the back of his throat, in the wrist that touches the table as he glides the mouse across the surface. 

His palms feel sweaty, and he feels this anxious feeling pool somewhere deep in his stomach, as his gut squeezes. It feels like his conscience is telling him something. That he shouldn't be doing this. This feels like something dangerous, but something he desires. The folder the screen displays the apple to his Adam. 

You? his forbidden fruit.

His breaths grow shorter, as he unconsciously tries to be as quiet as he can be and leans forward to look at the vast array of songs you had. As his eyes rake over the meticulously named albums with their years after them written in brackets, he almost chuckles. 

He isn't surprised to see that you were anal about categorizing your songs too. From what he had observed of you in the last few days, he would be more surprised if you weren't.

His finger glides over the scroll wheel of the mouse, as he reads the titles of the songs. Every single song they had released was on there—Official and covers. 

Every. Single. One.

Whether you were just a really dedicated ARMY or it was because of the soulmate bond, he didn't know, but it doesn't matter to him what the reason was. 

Because there they were, he and his hyungs splayed all over your computer screen. Their photoshoots all lined meticulously year after year, their random pictures that you had probably picked up from twitter or weverse grouped by year and then there were screenshots. 

Screenshots of tweets, weverse, certain parts of interviews of theirs, that you had ever liked were all there. It was fascinating, surreal, insane to be able to see himself and the hyungs through your eyes, the eyes of their soulmate. 

Somewhere, between finding you in that shelter, to now living with you, he had stopped thinking of you as human, as someone different. 

Yes, you weren't quite the same as he was, but he didn't care anymore. Because you loved him, you cried for him, you laughed with him and more than anything else you completed him. Filled his aching, longing soul with love until it overflowed and he felt full, content—sated. His thirst for your presence quenched, for once in all his life. 

However, the realisation that he had found his last soulmate hadn't fully sunk in yet. He couldn't even imagine what the others must be feeling right now, he was sleeping curled around you and, yet all he wanted to be was closer, it was this all-consuming feeling that kept pulling him under, dunking him in its depths. 

The crazy part was he didn't even mind it anymore, he would drown in the deepest depths if he could feel your hand pulling him closer in there, your lips locking with his as you breathe air into him, save him, make him yours.

Kami, he wanted you to make him yours, mate him, mark him.

He knew it wouldn't happen anytime soon, you didn't even know they were your soulmates. Sure, you liked them as artists, but what teenage or college girl didn't have a favourite band? They could very well just be a passing fascination for you at this point, a fleeting interest, a secret guilty pleasure before you move on with your life. 

Wasn't that how fame usually worked? It was eager, intense, loud until it suddenly wasn't and one was left with a gaping hole in their heart, that they aren't ever able to fill after. 

Jungkook didn't want that, he didn't want that for his hyungs either. It was something he had figured out years ago. He wasn't about to let this fickle, fleeting fame catch him in its lusty claws. 

He would give this life his all, pour literal sweat, blood and tears into it, but once his extended contract ends, he will step back. 

He will bow down low as the curtains close for the stage of 'The Golden Maknae' and, the path paves for Jeon Jeongkook. The boy who had come from Busan with a heart full of hopes and dreams and had ended up achieving and getting more than he had ever even imagined or hoped for. 

He would be thankful to his fans, to his company, to his Hyungs, to this industry, for taking care of him and letting him fly under their warm protection, but he would be done. As the curtains fall close, the mask will slip, and he'll turn, and you will be there. 

You with your bright grin and glimmering eyes would look on at him proudly, and he'd kiss you, hold you and know that he didn't want fame because he had you. 

And you were all he had wanted for as long as he can remember. 

After all, you are the cause of his euphoria, a home with you his utopia. 

Filling in the plot, adding it the finer details. 

Since the taglist is pretty long now and I can’t continue to keep them all in my comments, I will be putting the taglist up here from next chapters onwards. Tumblr is glitchy and some of you might not be notified so I am sorry about that. However, if you are a regular reader and have left me feedback time and time again, whether it was a comment or an ask with your thoughts on this story, I’ll tag you down in the comments since I know you definitely do read the work and appreciate it and I am so grateful for your support.

Thank you for reading  💖

[flickeringart]

Sun conjunct Mercury

(in the natal chart)

In astrology Mercury represents communication, the capacity to categorize and label things, the ability to relate to the physical world through concepts and words, the play of duality and the mutable nature of thought. In mythology he is the god of financial gain, commerce, messages, boundaries, luck, trickery and thieves, shop keepers and merchants. He is also the god of divination, the phenomena of foretelling, receiving signs from the gods and interpreting patterns. He also has the function of guiding souls into the underworld. He is the Roman equivalent of the Greek god Hermes who shares many similar traits.

I’ve come to perceive Mercury as very slippery figure that you can never trust completely. He is quick and clever but lacks a fixed set of morals and responsibilities. He possesses a certain charm and playfulness, a childlike carelessness and a humorous cunning twinkle in his eyes. He can adopt all kinds of traits and pick up on social cues without much effort. This is probably why he is the god of financial gain. Mercury can ”pretend” his way to financial success and take on the role that will yield the desired results. However, he is never completely sincere and serious in his endeavors. He’s not completely cruel but everything he does has a faint scent of dishonesty to it, even if he attempts to play honestly. He’s the god of thieves and tricksters after all, much like a magician that doesn’t mean much by his act, but takes some pleasure in outsmarting people and watching them act bewildered by his tricks. Mercury can be anything he wants to be and anything that the situation requires. He is a skilled actor that is difficult to see through – easy to get frustrated with but impossible hold a grudge against. He is too much of a wild card, a joker, too much of a a lucky little devil to get into any real trouble. If he happens to find himself in a tight spot, he is the god of luck so he’ll wiggle himself out somehow.

In mythology Hermes (Mercury) is the son of Zeus (Jupiter) and Maia. He was born at dawn and by noon he had invented the lyre by killing a tortoise, stretching seven strings of sheep-gut over the shell. Even though he was just a new born, he had stolen the cattle of his older brother Apollo and went back to his cradle, playing innocent. Apollo didn’t buy Hermes’ attempt to ward of his suspicion, and was completely enraged by his dishonesty and trickery. Strangely enough, Apollo was ready to forgive him after Hermes had played him a song on the lyre. There are many stories like this about Mercury which illustrates my point that he gets away with a lot of things. He is so skilled and valuable an asset to others that they’d be foolish to dispense of him.

When the Sun is conjunct Mercury in the natal chart, the identity of the individual is embedded with the traits of the messenger god. This means that the person’s individuation process is to unfold in the direction of the trickster. The person may not have a clear direction or purpose for their self-development other than to embody mutability and duality. What I mean by this is that the person feels strong and accomplished through being able to be anything and anyone at any given time, depending on their own mood or what is needed in the situation they’re in. They’re mission could be to pick up on people’s patterns and way of thinking and emulate traits to navigate their way through life effortlessly. Since the Sun relates to one’s father/father figures, the person’s father might be talkative, inclined to connect with other people over shared interests, outgoing and versatile, good at speaking or writing. Sun-Mercury individuals would have things in common with Gemini Suns, although Sun-Mercury conjunct represents an identity entanglement with the messenger god, while the Sun in Gemini merely represents the identity expressed through mercurial traits.

It is of course possible to have a Sun-Mercury conjunction in the sign of Gemini. This is the case with the famous Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962). She was, as we know, an American actress, model and singer that became famous for her sex appeal and blonde pin-up esc appearance. Her star image became that of a ”dumb blonde”, which could have been a deliberate promotion tactic rather than a reflection of her own character. More likely than not she was not dumb at all (Mercury is not unintelligent), but she didn’t mind playing on those qualities for whatever reason. Her Sun-Mercury conjunction forms a quintile aspect to Neptune in the 1st house of self. Her strong neptunian influence probably sought to reflect and merge with the image that other people approved of and liked. She didn’t have a very pleasant childhood after all, with time spent in an orphanage and foster homes where she was sexually abused and molested. Her mother was unable to care for her due to mental illness and no father was ever part of the picture. With an upbringing like her’s, it’s easy to understand why she would want to appeal to people’s desires and dreams, which she ultimately did by embodying an image of beauty and allure to establish some kind of closeness, even if it had to be done through a persona. The 1st house doesn’t reflect our ideal personal identity but rather a way of responding and reacting to the environment. It’s a set of behavioral patterns that constitutes our manners and presentation. Monroe had a Leo Ascendant (the cusp of the 1st house), which would give her the presence of a diva, in the sense that she would stand out and make an impact through her presence.

Mercury is really a god that favors the lower class because he is the god of deals and trades, financial gain and luck. With a Sun-Mercury conjunction a person would be equipped to climb from the bottom and up, bridging borders of status and social class with less effort than the average person. Monroe certainly succeeded in moving herself up the ladder of success and independence, which no doubt had to do with her ability to be mutable and adaptable like a true Gemini. To have the radiance of Leo and emotional receptiveness of Neptune didn’t hurt either in that sense. She was generally a troubled soul however, suffering from addiction, depression and anxiety. Mercury and Gemini are known for being a bit high-strung, mentally nervous and stressed, but it’s usually not a question of soul sickness, but rather of over-stimulation. In Monroe’s case her Sun-Mercury doesn’t make any hard aspect to other planets. Her Moon is the only personal planet with major hard aspects, sitting in the 7th house of relationships opposing Neptune and squaring Saturn. The Moon represents personal, emotional and instinctual needs. When the Moon is in the 7th house, the Moon expresses itself through relationships with other people. She presumably needed relationships (romantic or otherwise) to feel in touch with her own unique needs, to feel satisfied on a fundamental level. With Neptune opposing the Moon she would’ve experienced a conflict between emotional reflectiveness (Neptune in the 1st house) and her own personal feelings in situations with people (Moon in the 7th house). She must’ve felt a clear conflict between merging with the emotional atmosphere and establishing her own emotional identity. Saturn squaring the Moon would cause insecurity of having her own needs met as well as deprivation and critique around her basic nature. Her Moon is in Aquarius, which indicates that she would need mental understanding of her feelings more than anything – not to mention space and autonomy within relationships. This was apparently hard for her to establish and as it seems, she suffered for it immensely.

[threeletterslife]

Chana! I was reading thru your about page and I saw that you like Harry Potter 😄😄 I'm a really big fan of HP too! Would you mind sorting the BTS members in their houses? And I know you said you're a Ravenclaw! Would you choose any other house if you could? -Hufflepuff reader

yes! i was literally obsessed with hp for five(?) years now, which isn’t a lot compared to others, but it’s a fandom i’ve been in the longest LOL so happy to see another potterhead!!

and I WOULD NOT MIND AT ALL!!!! I LOVE HP X BANGTAN OMG (i will eat any hp x bts crossover ff uP)

but to answer your questions,,, this might get a lil long lol

namjoon actually sorted the members in their respective houses a long time ago himself. (not sure if it’s still accurate now, but i think what he wrote back then was all true.) also as a side note, these are my opinions, so you don’t necessarily have to agree with them! and aLSO i think there’s a common misconception going around with new harry potter fans. your hp house is NOT what you are the most—it’s what you VALUE the most! i’ll explain more later

GRYFFINDORS

seokjin

seokjin has always been a bit easy for me to categorize in terms of hp house

he just screams gryffindor to me

he tries to do what’s right

he’s the oldest in the group so he’s always taking care of his younger brother-like figures

he does his best to make sure the other members feel safe and comfortable in new environments (that’s why he cracks so many corny jokes—to break the ice!)

though he’s not the official leader of bangtan, he does a LOT of behind the scenes leadership work

i think seokjin can be mistaken as a hufflepuff (just because he’s so friendly and kind) BUT this is where the values come in. seokjin might have some hufflepuff-like traits, but he actually values the gryffindor traits even more. he values his passions, his confidence, his valiance

he doesn’t take himself too seriously, but he knows what’s right and wrong (great moral compass)

that puts him in gryffindor

namjoon

i’ve literally seen so many pple put joon in ravenclaw just because he has an insanely high iq

but i mean,,, as a ravenclaw myself, i don’t see him in my house

yes, namjoon is creative, yes, he is intelligent, and YES! he is indeed insightful!! BUT,,, it all comes down to his values

namjoon uses his intelligence, his creativity and insight for the good of everyone! he’s a team player (not an individualist, as most ravenclaws tend to be)

and, not to mention, he’s bangtan’s official leader, and he does extremely well with that extra responsibility (gryffindors are great leaders)

namjoon tries so hard to do what’s right

he doesn’t try to cut corners to get to his goals. he’s very moral and fair

he likes peace and justice

gryffindors are drawn to good morals (they’re always trying to fix what’s wrong too)

namjoon is the staple gryffindor in my eyes

HUFFLEPUFFS

hoseok

hoseok is so easy for me to categorize, but i’ve seen him be sorted into gryffindor sometimes

i don’t think he’d be in gryffindor, though. hoseok is someone who doesn’t exactly like the idea of *risks*

gryffindors are all about risks (stereotypically they don’t think about the consequences that much because all they want to do is wrong the right)

hoseok (though he is passionate and charismatic) is more fit for hufflepuff

he’s bright, kind and always has something nice to say

the persona he puts on in front of the camera is close to his real personality—he’s just a sunny person in general

what makes him such a hufflepuff is the fact that he’s so hardworking! hoseok just dOES NOT give up (he’s extremely loyal to the people in his life, and he’s loyal to his talents too)

he chased after his dancing talents and look where he is right now

he wasn’t originally a rapper but he practiced and practiced until it became one of his talents

he’s dependable, honest and values friendship

hufflepuffs are people’s persons. and hoseok is just that—A GIFT TO THE PEOPLE

taehyung

taehyung’s the hardest one to put in a house in my opinion. he’s what you’d call *divergent* (and yes, in theory, everyone is divergent. we ALL have traits of ALL FOUR hp houses. BUT there are some people who exemplify all four traits more equally than others. so now, it all comes down to what taehyung values the most)

taehyung, in my eyes, is such a people’s person. that makes him a strong candidate for hufflepuff

the tae that i know has many friends—and he’s extremely good at reading people too (like his vibe check DO BE trustworthy)

hufflepuffs are often underestimated because they’re written canonnly as just being “nice”

hufflepuffs are much more than that. hufflepuffs are essentially gryffindors but with higher eq LOL (hufflepuffs would ONLY right the wrong if righting the wrong didn’t hurt anyone on the ‘wrong’ side—does that even make sense??)

tae is someone i see as extremely trustworthy—he’s someone who’d die WITH your secrets

he’s also very emotionally available to the people in his life

therefore,,, i sort tae into hufflepuff

RAVENCLAW

jungkook

ravenclaws are intelligent, insightful and most of all, they value creativity!!

jungkook is the staple ravenclaw

i can’t see him in any other house

like if i see jungkook, i see ravenclaw. they are literal synonyms

ravenclaws are stereotypically jack-of-all-trades because they genuinely enjoy learning new things

i mean,,, jungkook’s lowkey perfect right? he’s good at everything right? yeah it’s because he has the thirst to LEARN! he wants to be good at everything! that’s such a mf ravenclaw trait

sorry i get so excited explaining about my own house omf

jungkook’s naturally curious; he likes to poke at new things because he wonders what it’ll be like to learn about it and do it himself

ravenclaws are also stereotypically the “artsy” kids (and i mean, this man can DRAW)

ALSO! just because ravenclaws get called jack-of-all-trades often, it doesn’t mean they’re good at EVERYTHING. it means that they’re good at what they’re interested in!! (jungkook doesn’t exactly care too much about math, which is totally fine! he has his other interests)

ravenclaws are smart, yes, but just because you’re smart, doesn’t mean you’re necessarily a ravenclaw. (i.e. hermione isn’t open-minded enough to be ravenclaw.) being a ravenclaw doesn’t mean you just read a lot lol. it means you read a lot AND you take the adventures from the protagonist in the book and then apply it to yourself. hence, the *imagination*

idk man i can’t see jk in any other house

SLYTHERINS

yoongi

yoongi’s also really easy to sort

i mean, the man screams slytherin

a slytherin would do anything (maybe even cross a few rules) to get to his desired end result

some people call it evil (usually gryffindors and hufflepuffs), but i call it working smarter not harder (to slytherins, it’s not immoral to cut a few corners to get to their desired result—if they don’t get caught, that is)

if yoongi were not slytherin, he would not have cut corners in those bts run episode games LMAO (icon behavior)

slytherins also value individuality (like ravenclaws) but in a COMPLETELY different way. ravenclaws love to be unique because with their insight, they conclude that everyone has dealt with different experiences, making them their each, special person. slytherins like to be individualists because they like to feel special (sometimes paired with a superiority/god complex BUT i don’t think that’s necessarily bad. but slytherins do tend to be more close-minded than ravenclaws; slytherins value tradition)

in turn, slytherins find more success than ravenclaws. sometimes, ravenclaws step back when they find that their ideals will be replaced with success. slytherins would rather replace/reform their ideals to find success (i.e. yoongi became an extremely successful idol rapper when he could’ve actually just become a producer instead)

slytherins also tend to have trust issues. they don’t like to trust others except for themselves (smart, really)

yoongi is very self-driven and self-reliant, making him a perfect slytherin candidate

he’s the staple slytherin

jimin

i lowkey wanna copy paste what i wrote for yoongi into jimin’s explanation lmfao

personally, jimin was easy to place in slytherin, BUT i’ve seen a lot of pple put him in hufflepuff

so lemme just refute that for a sec

jimin is very self-orientated (and i’m saying that in the nicest way possible)

he wants to be unique! he wants to be special! he wants to shine!! 

jimin’s just a naturally giggly, bubbly person

but behind the scenes (behind the cameras), he beats himself up to be his very best self; slytherin behavior

slytherins are perfectionists, okay? they value what others think of them a lot OR they value the INFLUENCE they have on other people

remember? slytherins are about pOwEr! and power comes in many shapes and forms

jimin likes the idea of being well-liked! he likes the idea of being thought of as charismatic and talented

he may act like a hufflepuff to fit what people want to see in him, BUT the fact that he has to ACT like a hufflepuff to be in people’s favor makes him a slytherin lol (i mean,,, remember his whole FILTER song???)

anyways i wouldn’t call him a staple slytherin (that’s for yoongi) but he’s pretty close to being one

anyways, to answer your other question,,,

i’ve mentioned before that everyone is *divergent* 

of course i have all four traits of the hp houses, but the traits aren’t very equal for me. i have all the traits of ravenclaw, hufflepuff aNd slytherin. except i’m not very gryffindor. i have a few gryffindor traits, yes, but i don’t value them as much as my other traits. with that said, it’s hard for me to acclimate in environments where people value things that i don’t necessarily find as important

i think it’d be best for me to be in ravenclaw (just because every ravenclaw i know has been my best friend). i think i’d also do well in slytherin (but sometimes, i can’t handle their intense ambition lol). i’m also a good hufflepuff candidate, but i don’t think i could trade up being a ravenclaw for that

in the end, your house is your choice (it’s what you value the most)

i would like to say i’m friendly, ambitious and creative. but when it comes down to it, i’m picking my creativity and RUNNING. so no, i would not change my house. never! i’m a solid ravenclaw!!

i am so sorry this is so long wtf 😭😭

*also disclaimer* this was written in the pov of a ravenclaw,,, it may or may not be biased 😀😀😀😀😀😀

[lokilickedme]

Because of "The Department", I am starting to become interested in Hozier. Are there any songs you would recommend for new listeners? Does he have anything romantic and sad?

Ohhhh my goodness.  Does he have anything romantic and sad…DOES HE HAVE ANYTHING ROMANTIC AND SAD?!  (sorry, I’m hyperventilating with excitement here)

Sit down honeypants, have I got a playlist for your listening pleasure.

First, you’re fortunate that he’s only got two officially released albums, two EPs, and a handful of covers and film tracks - because frankly the world couldn’t handle much more than what he’s given us so far.  We need time, we need to acclimate, we need to be strong enough to take it.  And for what he has given us thus far, we are thankful.  *amen*

I don’t even know where to start categorizing his songs individually, but since you specifically asked for “romantic” and “sad”, I’ll begin there:

ROMANTIC AND/OR SAD HOZIER SONGS TO PINE AND/OR YEARN TO:

Work Song - Gotta start here, for reasons.  This song is what I would call the epitome of romance.  It’s a nod to the field hymnals of the deep south, with the religious solemnity replaced by a mournful sort of romantic adoration for a lover who somehow saved him from a past he had all but lost himself to.  Sweet and gentle and worshipful, it fairly reeks of bad man redeemed by the love of a good woman.  He thanks the higher powers every day for the gift of his lover, whether the gods are listening or not, whether he is worthy of their attention or not - he no longer cares about that, because if there’s no eternal heaven for him, this moment on earth with his love is more than enough.  You are his deity now, his redeemer, his savior…and he’s at peace with his past because he knows you love him as much as he loves you.  Beautiful and hopeful, and almost painfully romantic.

Like Real People Do - Gah, I don’t even know where to start with this one.  It was inspired by Seamus Heaney’s series of poetic odes to the bog bodies discovered in the wilds of Ireland, which in itself doesn’t seem like a very ripe field to plow for romantic sentiment.  However, let me direct you to the following verse:

I will not ask you where you came fromI will not ask, and neither should youHoney just put your sweet lips on my lipsWe should just kiss like real people do

Yeah, we’re done here.  Basically it’s a vague fairy tale whose implications you’re free to ascertain for yourself.  Is it grave robbing?  Murder?  Some dark fae magic resurrecting an ancient being for some dark purpose he can’t recall? A lonely woman enlisting a disreputable spell to conjure a lover for herself from the long-dead bones of a forgotten victim?  Or was he simply buried by his grief/pain/sadness and “dug up” by the love and care of a stranger?  Whatever it is, it’s lovely.

To Be Alone -  Howling and intense, feral and wild, this is a tune to fuck to.  Romantically, of course.  The Celtic drums, the yowling chorus, the stomping that brings to mind a tribal Druid ceremony, untamed and darkly sexual in all its heathen glory…

Honey, when you kill the lightsAnd kiss my eyesI feel like a person for a moment of my life

Need I say more?  How about this:

To feel your weight in arms I’d never useIt’s the god that heroin prays to

Powerful, right?  And any song that has Feels good, god it feels good as a repetitive chorus can’t be anything but babymaking tunes.  Trust me.

Better Love - This is a film soundtrack song that appears on the ending credits of The Legend Of Tarzan.  Lush and frantically heartfelt and literally gushing with a profound romance that rises and rises until it hits a crescendo that you just gotta listen to on headphones with your eyes closed.  It’s a religious experience, the kind that’s easy to imagine yourself screaming OH GOD!! in the middle of.  Yeah, that kind.  The rising fury of the music, the piano, the horn section, his voice, is all very reminiscent of that kind of love.  Just beautiful, urgent, and will have you imagining yourself in a Victorian dress standing on the bank of a river somewhere waiting for your love to return from some distant place.

Dinner And Diatribes - Speaking of that kind of love, here we have a song that uses those very words to describe what loverboy wants and is asking for from you, his passionate yet momentarily bored significant other.  The two of you are stuck at some hideously stale social engagement and his soul is dying slowly with each dull conversation he has to participate in; his only reprieve is in staring at you from across the room and sending you subliminal messages about what he would very much like for you to do to him as soon as he gets you out of there.  Let there be hotel complaints and grievances raised, yeah that kind of love.  Romantic?  Not strictly, no, not on the face of it.  But really, what’s more romantic than knowing your partner well enough to know that one look from you across a crowded room will have them searching for a way to excuse themselves from the party so they can go home and absolutely rail you?

Scarcely can speak for my thinkingWhat you’d do to me tonightNow that the evening is slowingNow that the end is in sightHoney, it’s easier knowingWhat you’d do to me tonight 

 And we’re not even going to discuss the pounding Celtic tribal drums that set up a rhythm through the entire song that subtly mimics a headboard banging against the wall.  Rowdy loud romance at its pulse pounding best.

In A Week - Nothing says romance like two lovers decomposing in a field together, scaring the cows and slowly turning into food for the foxes and crows.  A beautiful tune, gorgeously sung as a duet with Karen Crowley.  He claims this was meant to be very tongue-in-cheek, and god I hope he’s not lying because I worry about the boy sometimes.

Nobody - My personal favorite, this one is a road song chronicling a love through comparison.  He tells his sweetheart how much he misses her, not with the actual words I miss you, but through a series of either/ors:

If I had the choice between hearing either noiseThe excitement of a thousand, or the soothing of your voiceAt first chance I’d take the bed warmed by the bodyI once warmed my hands over a burnin’ MaseratiStill I’ve had no love like your love

A cute love song full of playful devotion to an absent lover.  Just perfect.

Shrike -  I should have put this higher up on the list, I know.  You’ll understand what I mean when you listen to it.  A Shrike is a murderbird, btw.  Yeah, he’s comparing his powerful desire to express his love (after having tragically/stupidly missed a prior opportunity to do so) to a Shrike (him) impaling food on a thornbush (her).  Again, it’ll make sense when you listen to it.  A beautiful, haunting, lushly lyrical song about wistful longing.

Wasteland Baby -  This song, geezus.  The world is ending, it’s here, it’s happening, and he’s watching it all come down while sitting next to you, holding your hand, waiting for it to reach the pair of you as the flames lick the sky.  Neither of you are scared, just at peace, together, waiting for the end of it all to take you.  Oddly beautiful, and his voice - god, his voice.  Wasteland baby, I’m in love, I’m in love with you.

Movement - A love song to all the things you see in your lover that are lacking in yourself.  Poetic and poignant, coming from a towering giant with a tendency to trip over his own feet, singing about his lover being graceful and feeling moved by the way she moves.

NFWMB - Yes, it means what it looks like.  Nothing Fucks With My Baby, and yes he says that word every other line.  But the way he utters it with such dreamy conviction is just…ugh, it’s a horny song okay?  Just unabashedly horny.  And romantic, because he’s not making a bar room threat as in NOTHING fucks with my baby!!, he’s issuing a laid back warning that if you DO fuck with his baby, she will straight up fuck you up and he will sit back and watch, shaking his head in an I told you so sort of sympathy.  His baby is so terrifying that the goddamn apocalypse willingly averted itself when it saw she was in the vicinity.  An ode to a strong lover that he respects with every fiber of his being and by god you should too.

From Eden - Basically a love song from the devil’s point of view.  I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door.  That’s romantic, folks.

Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) - My second favorite song in, like, the entire history of music.  Remember when I said NFWMB was unabashedly horny?  Well, this is a song about oral sex.  No qualms, no masking in flowery terms, and a whole lot of borderline blasphemous comparisons to religious verbiage to boot.  And it’s one hell of a banger, with Hoz howling like his baby just put her mouth on him (which is the chorus, more or less).  A no-apologies hard driving ballad devoted to fellatio, which I find oddly romantic in the simple fact that he speaks of it as a holy act of devotion.  He worships his lover, who is, ironically, the one on her knees in the holy posture of prayer in front of him.  And god does he love her for it.

Jackie And Wilson - This one is tricky, because it’s a rousing catchy tune flowing around a set of words that, once you listen carefully to them, become a whole lot of not what I thought.  He speaks of love, and of being saved, and of the attentive care that his lover gives him.  Only later do we hear the truth behind those words - that the love was obsessive and immature, that the savior casually abandoned him without even saying goodbye, that her care was no more than an amused tolerance to his childish adoration.  She knew all along that she wasn’t in it for the long haul, while he was making plans for forever.  But all hope isn’t lost - he’s not irreparably damaged, he isn’t ruined for life.  He simply goes and digs up the version of himself that he buried at the beginning, and starts again.  A little more experienced, a bit more jaded, but ready to do it all over again because maybe it’ll be right next time.  A hopefully romantic little cautionary tale that somehow doesn’t lose its playfulness, even as he’s putting out his cigarette and noticing that she’s gone.

Do I Wanna Know - this is a cover/retool of the song of the same name by Arctic Monkeys, and it is sublime in its sad yearning.  While the original is a driving, dark, sexy ode to obsessive love, Hozier’s version is a gentle, tender, hauntingly heart-tugging song about longing and uncertainty.  It’s a slow game of she loves me, she loves me not being played by a lover who is unsure if it’s worth the bother to try to fall in love with someone else if the current object of his laconic affections is no longer interested in him, or if he should just keep trying to win her back and keep the status quo as is.  And his voice…god, the way he caresses words is like he’s making love to your ears without the messy cleanup afterward.

There are more - but I’m going to draw the line here and say ENOUGH FOR NOW, YOU’RE NEW, YOU’RE NOT PREPARED FOR THE REST.  I mean…Angel of Small Death?  Sedated?  Arsonist’s Lullaby?  The hardcore underlying symbolism of his flagship ballad Take Me To Church?  It Will Come Back, for god’s sake??  No, not yet.  Go, dip your toe into the waters, and then come back when you’re ready for more…because everything this man has ever done is brilliant and beautiful and profound, and oh boy do I look forward to ruining another innocent with it all :)

[dippedanddripped]

YouTube has always been a hub for an often-voyeuristic form of conspicuous consumption, but for the diehard devotees of influential designers like Raf Simons and Helmut Lang, there's now a veritable abundance of channels dedicated to nuanced discussions of niche men's clothing. Though far from being the most-followed men's fashion accounts, these channels have slowly built sizable audiences by geeking out over a set of hyper-specific references familiar to anyone who's put in time lurking on a particularly heated r/streetwear subthread. Unboxings and shopping hauls still abound, but they're complemented by lengthy commentary on, say, the latest Rick Owens collection or a breathless breakdown of a seminal Margiela show from the '90s.

Like the men behind #menswear, the movement birthed on the blogosphere that peaked in popularity in the early 2010s, these YouTube "creators" are often friends IRL, appearing in each other's videos to compare notes on their latest cops or pal around the local flea market looking for covetable vintage finds. More recently, like some of their #menswear predecessors, many of the creators behind these channels are launching their own clothing brands that mimic the cadence of streetwear drops and sell out almost as quickly. These collections go far beyond branded merchandise: They typically debut in small batches at premium price points and are seamlessly marketed across social media to relatively small but highly devoted followings.

Leveraging the spending power of an existing audience to sell product that's sure to be a hit is a symbiosis the fashion industry is already betting big on. There's Danielle Bernstein of WeWoreWhat's multimillion-dollar design partnerships with Nordstrom and Onia; Aimee Song of Song of Style's collection with Revolve; and Arielle Charnas of Something Navy, who is ending her Nordstrom licensing deal this year to kick off her own lifestyle brand after a $10 million investment, valuing her brand at roughly $45 million. Increasingly, these types of relationships look like the future of the industry. Yet for the most part, retailers have yet to tap into influencers in the menswear space. YouTube represents a new frontier.

In the summer of 2018, Jacob Keller and Cole McBride released the first drop under their Bare Knuckles brand. Keller is a certified YouTube OG: His channel, though now largely inactive, was one of the first to capitalize on the opportunity for menswear-oriented content on the platform, and he's frequently shouted out as a big brother of sorts by other YouTubers. Keller shares an unusually strong connection with his fanbase, many of whom have been interacting with his content since day one. Scroll deep enough through his timeline and you're bound to come across old images of him in full Mishka 'fits, some of which Keller occasionally reposts as a winking nod to his followers.

Bare Knuckles's debut collection featured a medley of washed denims, vintage looking tees and cropped work jackets — an authentic extension of the aesthetic Keller began to hone on YouTube and later made his signature via the 'gram, where he has almost 90K followers. On any given post there's dozens of comments asking where to buy what he's wearing, which today, more often than not, is Bare Knuckles. The collection was a near-instant success, selling out entirely shortly after it released online.

For influencers, profiting off of their online presence is par for the course. Keller and his cohort, however, are pioneering a more creative alternative for a group of guys weaned on a steady diet of conventional fashion content coupled with obscure menswear memes. Many of them cite similar reasons for launching their own lines, as well as a desire to maintain a certain degree of separation between their cut-and-sew collections and the YouTube channels that, they readily concede, in no small way helped make those collections a reality. "Cole and I wanted to start Bare Knuckles so that we could make clothing that we’ve wanted to wear for years but could never find," says Keller, who still largely keeps his collections separate from his channel.

For Ken Iijima, who started uploading videos to YouTube documenting snippets of his life after moving to Tokyo in 2018, keeping that sense of separation is crucial. When Iijima co-founded Vuja Dé earlier this year with Ringo Chang, the two of them agreed to keep the brand at a distance from Iijima's rapidly growing channel, though both acknowledge YouTube as a powerful tool for engaging with their audience. Their first drop included paint-splattered sweatshirts (acrylic, applied by hand) and bondage cargo pants, all made from Japanese-milled cotton and available exclusively through their website, where each size sold out quickly.

"We always knew what we ourselves have wanted and liked to wear, though we were unsure if our preferences directly translated into products an audience would purchase," says Iijima. "In order to realize this, interacting with our audience was a form of validation in allowing us to gauge viewer support… [and] proceed with the project altogether." YouTube, the two note, has "facilitated interaction and provided a way for our audience to get to know us and see we are just as clothing-obsessed as them."

When Magnus Ronning set about launching his eponymous label, he saw his collection as an organic extension of his wardrobe: well-made, approachable basics with a twist, like a denim jacket in a green paisley print, or twill work pants in a dusty pink hue. Ronning is similarly appreciative of the platform his YouTube presence affords him. "YouTube has without a doubt been the most significant incubator for the brand. It has essentially given me a platform to share my interest in clothing, Ronning and everything else with a larger audience than I could ever imagine," he says. "I love the community on YouTube, and I find it amazing recognizing names of people who consistently interact and comment on [my] videos."

Ditto Owen Hyatt, who started posting videos on YouTube in the summer of 2017. Hyatt always wanted to be a YouTuber, even as a kid. "All my idols back then were YouTubers," he remembers. "It was amazing to me that recording videos about your interests could be a job." In early 2019, he debuted Colette Hyatt, a collection that openly pulls inspiration from some of Hyatt's favorite and oft-referenced designers. (Hyatt dutifully shouts them out in the product descriptions on his site.)

The brand's aesthetic skews slightly avant-garde: Its first collection included hand-distressed hoodies with detailed, gothic-looking graphics and an embroidered vegan leather crossbody bag that wouldn't look out of place hanging on the dimly-lit racks of some iconic institution of downtown cool. "At the end of the day I just design clothes that I love and want to wear, and if my audience and customers love it too then even better," Hyatt says. "Getting input and seeing people's reactions to new pieces is always great insight but it doesn't have a major impact on what I create." Yet Hyatt maintains YouTube still holds a lot of value for him "when it comes to showcasing Colette Hyatt, since it's hard to get 'personal' on Instagram."

Hyatt could've just mocked up a few graphic tees and called it a day. Instead, he (and Iijima, Keller, Ronning, et al.) are creating thoughtful, high-quality clothing by aspiring to a level of craftsmanship on par with the luxury labels they admire. For the most part, these guys are making product they like and figuring their followers will, too, all the while responding in real-time to a constant stream of feedback from fans. Internet influence, though, is fickle and fleeting. Pivoting away from content creation is a great way to guarantee a degree of career longevity beyond making a quick buck promoting another company's products. Tapping into the rapidly growing market for men's clothing is a savvy way to capitalize on demand from followers who are constantly clamoring for an "ID on the 'fit, bro?!" Why promote another brand when you could be promoting your own?

Keller sees his brand and others like it as a natural progression of what he was already doing on YouTube. "We go from consuming products, and showing off other people's creations, talking about other people's designs and details. Eventually, we want it to be our product and our details that we're showing off," he says. "We consume so much product and buy from so many brands that we start forming a vision as to what we want our own clothing to look like and take cues from those clothes we've bought in the past." The easy thing to do, Ronning points out, is to release a limited-run of a few cutesy printed t-shirts. In his opinion, the channels currently churning out some of the most exciting menswear content out there are defined by a "want to do better." The bona fide brands he and his friends have started are "well past the point of [T-shirt] blanks and are developing actual cut-and-sew collections."

Vuja Dé's Iijima and Chang share a similar sentiment: "We think there is a common misconception that all YouTube brands are automatically categorized as 'overnight sensations' or 'cash grabs.' We wanted to distance ourselves from this association… It would not do Vuja Dé justice." Hyatt wouldn't be surprised if the nature of menswear content on the platform changes, too. Videos will become "more oriented around our brands," he predicts. "There will be less pickup videos and more behind-the-scenes videos. How our next lookbook photoshoot was shot, how to take product photos, that sort of thing."

Despite the handwringing caused by an Instagram personality with over 2 million followers who couldn't sell 36 T-shirts, influencers still move a lot of merchandise. Keller and McBride have since dropped two more Bare Knuckles collections, further developing the ideas they introduced in earlier designs and expanding into new product categories each time. Most pieces currently in stock on the brand's site are still available, but there's no reason to assume that's cause for concern. Keller uploaded a video to his YouTube channel in early August, just over a year after his last update. Among the hundreds of comments — largely roasting Keller good-naturedly for his inactivity — one fan noted: "As weird as it sounds, every time I watch your videos... it's like seeing an old high-school friend. Crazy it's going on 7-8 years since I've been watching your videos! Glad to see Bare Knuckles doing great bro!"

[scarletwritingwolf]

The Art of Healing

Previously

Chapter 12: A Most Murtagh Evening

Memories are a most remarkable thing, but rarely are they perfect. The one thing I could be certain about; was that my memory was categorically flawed when it came to Jamie Fraser. I knew this to be true because each time I saw him; it was as though I was seeing him for the first time. Red hair gleaming, his wickedly beautiful smile displaying his perfectly straight, pearly white teeth, the expression on his face; friendly and trusting. For lack of better words, he took my breath away, and I relished in the thought that there would always be something new to learn about him, because my memories never allowed me to remember.

He was coming towards me, looking cool and casual, dressed immaculately in a navy blue suit that was clearly designer. He smiled when he caught sight of me, and took faster and greater strides to reach me sooner.

“Good evening Jamie” I said cheekily. “You, sir, are a little late.” I tapped my watch jokingly.

“I’m sorry, I feel terrible. My meeting ran late, and I couldna shake Murtagh and his questions about what I was doing tonight. I really am verra sorry.”

“It’s ok Jamie, really.” I stroked his cheek with my hand, my eyes lingering on his only for a moment. “Come on, lets go in, I’m starving.” Taking his hand I led him into the pub where he had suggested we meet.

I really wasn’t sure why I led him in, because it was quite clear from the moment we entered that he was very familiar with this particular place. Every staff member greeted him, and even some of the patrons.

I quizzed him, “Is there a reason why everyone seems to know you?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact there is, I own this place. I thought perhaps ye’d like to see it. The food here is verra good.”

“You are full of surprises. I love that you brought me here. I only have one question; is there at least a juke box?”

“Ye willna be disappointed my lady, the juke box is over in that corner there.” He pointed to a modern little box obscured by a group of rowdy Scottish men who appeared to be having some sort of a bucks night.

We ventured towards the bar, where Jamie ordered us two glasses of whiskey.

“What do ye want to eat? I can have them make anything ye like.”

I shrugged. “I’m happy to choose off the menu Jamie, I don’t need special treatment.” He promptly gave me a menu to peruse.

Jamie looked to the bartender. “Whichever drink the lady wants she gets, ok Duncan? Claire I just need to go and speak to the manager, while I’m gone choose a table we can sit at if that’s what ye’d like.”

I waved him away. The menu was quite extensive for a pub, and I was pleasantly surprised to find my favourite dish; pork medallions with mashed potato and a creamy mushroom sauce.

I ordered an espresso martini, and I watched Duncan make extravagant movements as he created it.

“Here ye are marm, enjoy. Will there be anything else?” Duncan asked.

“I’m not sure.” I admitted, I had no idea what Jamie would want, another whiskey?

“Do you know what Mr Fraser’s favourite drink is Duncan? A whiskey?”

“Mr Fraser is partial to his whiskey marm, but he enjoys his beer just as much, he is most fond of Fyne Ales Jarl.”

“Excellent, I’ll have one of those as well please.”

Jamie returned a short time later, his face alight.

“Well what is it then Mr Fraser?”

He looked at me with raised eyebrows and an innocent expression, waiting for me to elaborate.

“Nothing at all Miss Beauchamp, can a man not have secret men’s business.”

I laughed, and I felt myself getting more comfortable in my surroundings with each exchange we had. I removed my jacket as we began to discuss the different types of alcohol he had in the pub, and how he had come to own the pub itself. After twenty minutes I realised that the patrons of the pub had gone silent, and all were watching one of the male staff members wave his arms about.

He began to speak in a half yell. “Sorry ladies and gents, we’re closing early tonight, our kitchen is already closed, we are just havin’ some staffing issues. We’ll be shuttin’ shop in half an hour.”

I glared at Jamie, he returned a wide eyed look and shrugged. I suspected he had something to do with this sudden closure, surprisingly none of the people in the pub seemed irritated with this announcement. There were two other members of staff making individual apologies to each guest of the pub, and they appeared to be handing them something with each apology.

“So what do ye want to eat?” He asked me coolly.

“Didn’t that gentleman just say that the kitchen was closed?” I tested him.

“He did didn’t he? I suppose it’s good that I own this place then. Ye’ll have time to order and get your meal Sassenach.”

My heart was pounding out of my chest, he’d just called me Sassenach. I’d heard him start to call me the peculiar nickname multiple times since we’d been reunited, but he’d been good at catching himself before actually saying it.

“I’m sorry Claire, I didna mean to call ye that. I’ve been trying to forget it was ever something I called ye. Please dinna be mad.” His eyes were pleading.

“I’m not mad at all, it’s just strange to hear the name again after all this time. Please don’t apologise.” I kissed his cheek, trying to ease his tension. I wanted to change the subject quickly. “Any chance of some decent music?”

“Anything for my beautiful guest, but we may have to wait for a while before we hear our choices, the juke box has been banked up with this dance music garbage since those men from the stag party were over there.”

“I don’t mind, I’m perfectly fine with a little waiting, as long as it’s for something good.” I winked at him.

He strode over to the juke box, I watched him the entire time, admiring him. I knew I wasn’t the only one who had eyes on him, but I was content with knowing that each time he looked up his eyes connected only with mine.

“I feel like I’ve made some good solid music choices on yer behalf. Perhaps another drink?”

I had another two espresso martini’s, Jamie seemed to drink his beers as though they were water. I was beginning to feel light headed, I knew I needed food before the effects of the alcohol got worse. I looked about to realise that the pub had emptied at last.

“So lassie, would you like to dance?” Jamie stood above me holding out a hand for me to accept.

As I took his hand and he led me to the dance floor I heard the voice of Kenny Rogers on the juke box, his song ‘Islands in the Stream’ was playing. I stifled a laugh. “A favourite song of yours Mr Fraser?”

“Weel sort of.” He took me in his arms, he was warm, and the buzz of the alcohol seemed to draw me closer to him; I rested my cheek on his chest. I felt the steady movements of his breathing as he swayed gently. “Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton sang this song together at a show they put together to play for us lads in the army. I ken it’s an old song, but I heard it for the first time that day, and it always stayed with me.” I wondered how much else of his time in the army had stayed with him, I vowed to spend my life finding out.

‘Islands in the stream, that is what we are,

No one in between, how can we be wrong.’

“What do ye think Claire? Can ye live with my taste in music?” His question seemed to be silently asking more than it’s words. I was sure he wanted to ask if I had a desire to be around him long term.

“I am a big fan of Dolly Parton, so I think we’ll get along just fine Jamie.” I hoped that the reassuring smile I paired with my words would help to answer his veiled question. It had never been a question for me, there wasn’t any way for me to live my life without him. We hadn’t discussed our time apart much, it was too painful for us both to talk about just yet, but I wanted to.

‘We start and end as one, in love forever,

We can ride it together, ah-ah,

Makin’ love with each other, ah-ah.’

We danced our way through Frank Sinatra, U2 and a little Coldplay. He had most definitely chosen music to ensure that I stayed in his arms, but I had absolutely no problem with this.

I noticed when the music on the juke box came to an end, but I wasn’t sure that Jamie had, he continued swaying, holding me to him as though he was afraid to let go. I gently nudged him.

“Come Jamie, let’s get something to eat, I’m famished.”

He seemed to come out of a trance, and looked at me with such adoration it almost tore me in two. This gentle, giant soul wanted me, and I knew I could never let him down again.

We sat at the nearest table, Duncan came bustling over with more drinks, while Jamie disappeared into the kitchen with our food orders. As Duncan fussed over pouring drinks, I wondered what Jamie had in mind for the rest of the evening, and for that matter where we stood going forward. The fact that I was even asking myself the latter was a testament to how much had changed in me since I met him, after Frank I had become a strong, educated woman, and at times with Jamie I felt vulnerable, concerned that I would allow myself to go back to a place where I was so undermined by my own feelings. My feelings for Jamie were so intense they terrified me.

I heard him approaching first, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, worried that he would read my expression.

“Are you ok Claire? You look...” He trailed off, clearing trying to decide how I looked.

“I’m fine Jamie, just hungry, that’s all.” I took his hand, drawing lines over his prominent veins with my thumb. I had been about to ask him what his plans were for the remainder of the evening, when his head suddenly snapped up to look at the door. It hadn’t been locked, the closed sign was most definitely visible, but the man walking in didn’t seem to care much.

“Ah there ye are lad.” The man in question clearly knew Jamie.

“Here I am, Murtagh. What can I do for ye?” His tone sounded playful, but his stance gave him away, he was concerned about this Murtagh being here with us, or more so, with me.

“I just wanted te see this lassie for myshelf.” He slurred the last words, obviously intoxicated.

Jamie not letting his good manners slip said “Claire this is my Godfather Murtagh, sometimes I just call him Uncle. Murtagh this is Claire.”

“A pleashure to meet ye Claire. Are ye havin’ a good time with young Jamie here?” As he asked, his eyes pierced mine. His purpose was quite evident; that was to interrogate me.

“I am, thank you.” I responded politely, being very careful to keep my tone light.

Jamie kept our fingers interlocked, wanting to keep a protective hold, but he was feigning a casual demeanour as he sat back in his chair. He was waiting, I just wasn’t sure what for.

Murtagh continued. “I’ve known Jamie since he was a small lad ye ken, and I would do anythin’ for him. I want him te be happy, I willna ever begrudge him tha’, but I want ye te understand that if ye hurt him again ye will be sorry.”

“That’s enough Murtagh. Ye’ve had too much to drink man, go home. I dinna need yer protecting.” Jamie was doing his very best to conceal the snarl in his voice. “ “Claire isna out to hurt me.”

“Aye sometimes I think ye do lad.”

I wasn’t sure what to say, I could feel tears welling, but I forced them to abate. Jamie’s grip on my fingers tightened.

“Ye’ve talked about what she did te ye have ye then Jamie? What it did te ye?” Murtagh was plainly on some sort of crusade.

“We’ve settled it Murtagh, now that’s enough.” He got up, taking his Godfather by the arm, and dragged him towards the door. “Ye need to leave, we will talk in the mornin’.”

Jamie closed the door, pacing next to it, running his fingers through his hair. I got up to go towards him.

“I’m so sorry Sassenach, I didna mean for that to happen. He’s drunk, and too focussed on my life. He willna disturb us again.” He looked truly remorseful.

“It’s ok Jamie, but I think I’m just going to go home, I’m exhausted and it might be best that you see your Godfather home safely.” I wanted time to be alone for a little while, so I could get over the sting of Murtagh’s words. I ran my hand across Jamie’s cheek reassuring him. “We should meet tomorrow Jamie, I thought perhaps we might talk properly about our time apart, so we might put it to bed so to speak.”

Jamie hesitated, I knew he wasn’t sure what to do. “Ye are a good woman Claire, I dinna want ye to be worried about what he’s said, he’s just a silly old coot.” He bent to kiss me. “I’ll come to get you tomorrow, we can talk when you feel like it. But I want ye to understand that I’ve put it to bed already, there isn’t a need for ye to feel guilt.”

As usual it was as though he could understand what I felt without my saying so.

“I’ve been thinking that I’d like ye to meet my sister and her family, if ye want to.”

“I’d like that Jamie, but warn me if I have more scorn to look forward to won’t you? Just so I know to pack my armour.” I grabbed his tie and kissed him back.

[gibsonmusicart]

The Many Benefits of the Songwriting Process

By Del Boland

I think we've all heard that we should enjoy the journey. This may be applied to many things including life itself. However, this adage is particularly true in the process of songwriting.

Songwriting has been an enjoyable avocation for me. Of course, there are ultimate goals that I would like to achieve, but there is also the everyday enjoyment that comes from learning and creating something new. Besides, we all have a choice. We can rush through the songwriting process to make millions of dollars, or we can enjoy every step along the way with better probabilities for retaining what we learn. Taking the process one step at a time allows us to truly appreciate songwriting as an art and it teaches us the more important reasons for writing songs in the first place. That is, we can find fulfillment from songwriting even when the songs do not produce income. It is a wonderful form of expression, but there are many examples of great songs that never received the attention they deserved so there are no guarantees. It makes a lot of sense to me that we, as songwriters, should sit back and enjoy the process and build on the elements of songwriting. In the process of learning, you can build musical collateral for the future.

In my foray into songwriting, I developed a better understanding of the music business environment. I think it is very important to understand the roles of publishers, A&R professionals, labels, producers, agents, managers, song-pluggers, and recording engineers. In addition, I continue to learn about the various types of songwriting contracts as well as better understand the various organizations that support songwriters such as ASCAP, BMI, SESAC, and The Harry Fox Agency.

I believe success is part inspiration, preparation, perspiration, and opportunity, but it is also somewhat dependent on the order. We sometimes take our preparation for granted when it is in the context of growing up, but, as kids, we are in preparation for our respective careers from the day that we are born. In essence, a true opportunity cannot exist unless we are ready, willing, and able to take full advantage of it. For example, an executive interview with a Fortune 500 company would provide no particular value to a toddler. Additionally, some events can be characterized by our state of readiness at the time that it occurs. If I had met Paul Simon when I was 10 years old, for instance, it would most likely fall into the inspiration category. If I met Paul Simon today, I would like to think it might fall into the opportunity category.

This leads very nicely into the element of developing relationships. We should learn the importance of developing relationships along the way. You never know when you might be talking to someone that can help you get your big break, so it makes a lot of sense to treat everyone you meet with respect. It is difficult to see clearly through the haze of uncertainty during these times, but it pays to give consideration to every aspect of the music business and not develop harsh opinions too quickly. Unfortunately, there are a lot of negative opinions about recording labels today. While there is greed and excess found in all industries, the recording labels are taking a beating as some artists have found success outside the influence and control of the labels. It still makes sense to maintain all options and to consider any opportunities that might be presented without harboring ill feelings or preconceived notions. While the labels are certainly struggling, they still have strong relationships in the areas of mass media, marketing, and distribution.

Some folks believe that the new music paradigm is a road to success for ALL independents, and it is simply not true. This problem has not changed over the past 50 years. The problem is getting mass media exposure. The Internet is great, but it is vast and still somewhat random in nature. Stated differently, if everyone knew your name or the name of one of your songs, they would be able to find you. However, if everyone knew your name or the name of one of your songs, you would have already achieved your goal. It remains necessary for independent artists to be discovered and then promoted in a mass media setting. Word of mouth is certainly a viable alternative, but you must have a product that grabs the attention of a large audience which is not so different than the more traditional forms of media exposure when you think about it.

So far, I have concentrated on the surrounding elements, but it is also possible to experience more direct personal gains. For example, as a self taught musician, I find myself frequently searching for new techniques and opportunities for development. I was surprised to find songwriting as an opportunity for improving as a guitarist.

In short, I have learned a lot from the necessity for producing the very same sounds with my guitar that I can sometimes hear in my mind. It has proven beneficial beyond any other traditional forms of learning such as guitar lessons, articles, methods, video tapes, or techniques. For me it was a wonderful discovery to find this particular benefit as an extra bonus while continuing to learn about songwriting. Learning more about the guitar is only one example of my particular songwriting journey. Obviously, each learning opportunity will be different for each individual.

Songwriting has opened doors for me in other areas as well. Before I began my journey into songwriting, I found it very difficult to express myself lyrically and musically. It was like a barrier existed between me and the ability to write songs. The songs were very fuzzy to me and not particularly well defined during that time. I knew the songs were there, but I did not know how to tap into this creative yet seemingly elusive resource. After reading books and taking some courses, I managed to find some valuable resources and I am now in the process of "finding my voice". In the meantime, I am finding new doors to open and new areas to explore.

One of the benefits I discovered in this process of learning was building confidence in my ability to write songs. After writing a few songs, I found it easier to write even more songs. The more I write, the more I write. I am now taking a little more time to address specific elements, so I haven't been quite as prolific, but I know what I am able to accomplish.

Perhaps the greatest single benefit that I've discovered is the ability to express myself without fear. Yes, it does get me in trouble from time to time, but it is also important to know when NOT to express our innermost thoughts. For an aspiring songwriter, this ability to express oneself is a desirable trait. That is, a songwriter must be comfortable enough to express many thoughts and emotions that we as humans have learned to suppress. However, an additional word of caution may be necessary. Similar to our relationships with people, our songwriting success is dependent on our ability to provide a point of view with which many others may be able to relate. Alternatively, as a form of art, we may be at liberty to create points of view that are difficult to understand but we are also at risk of not finding an audience when we fail to appeal to the general public. Such songs exist, but many of these songs may be categorized as "lost art", as it is unlikely that a lot of people will hear songs that do not speak universally to their unique sets of circumstances. For the pure songwriter, it is almost impossible to get an "artsy" song published or recorded.

Of course, singer songwriters have the distinct advantage of playing their own songs, which allows them to jump over the barriers that exist for pure songwriters. That is, performing artists and producers, set apart from singer-songwriters, are very selective in the songs (written by others) they include as part of their CD or compilation. This brings up yet another possible benefit of the songwriting process. That is, folks who feel very strongly about their art might be less likely to adjust to the rather narrow market for songs. This creates the necessity to develop as a singer songwriter. It makes sense for the singer-songwriter to also find opportunities to perform in front of an audience. Of course, becoming a singer songwriter may satisfy one condition for this particular group, but it also makes it twice as unlikely to breakout. In particular, the artist must now write songs that connect with a significant portion of the listening public and have a sound, as an artist, that is appealing as well. Playing in front of an audience provides feedback that can be very useful for "developing a voice" for this group of songwriters.

I have learned the importance of communicating thoughts very efficiently. Songwriting generally gives us about 3.5 minutes to convey a thought or an idea. This is the reason why you don't hear songs that explain how to build the space shuttle. It is not possible to convey thoughts that are too complex in a limited amount of time, so decisions must be made. This process involves organizing my thoughts and making the best use of the time available, which requires me to select my words carefully.

I have learned how to work together with others in a creative environment. Collaborating can be very rewarding for songwriters as it provides an opportunity to learn from others. It also provides the opportunity to lend a particular strength to a collaborative effort that may have a greater chance for success. For example, a great lyricist can sometimes find a great composer. Perhaps the lyricist and composer may also find someone with a great voice to help capture the attention of an A&R professional. With the availability of inexpensive recording equipment and the ease with which files are transferred, this can now be done long distance via the Internet.

Finally, like the adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step", it is important to begin the process. I'm not an expert on psychology and building momentum, but it seems likely to me that the moment we commit ourselves to accomplish a goal, then the burden of the initial decision making process is usually set behind us. It also seems reasonable that our own acceptance of a desired goal is key to success. Taking the first step requires that we accept the task or project in which we have selected. This act alone can provide sufficient motivation to begin the process because we have convinced ourselves of the potential value for starting such a journey.

Source: EzineArticles .com

[eloquenceuniverseofficial]

Didnt know, i knew what you know, you now know i know you know.

We all know we aren’t alone...you hear me, you see me tumblr, i hear you, i see you tumblr

Good and bad

Coincidences or not, where it applies or not.

I like you tumblr and keep coming back for your opposition, your mind, your story, your message back.

You guys have good motivations and love!

The new music has been a great gift!

Helped because it was your hands reaching out.

However, The creative side is constantly cock blocked. no the alluring illusion of a weekend with benefit is not what i want. Creative you and me on our own together! Our own success and progress.

I am in need, Needing the reality of a permanent “our” “we” forever filled with the same amount of self confidence.

Teach me Patients and passion to slow down.

being queened by my king at night... im not afraid to be me anymore, be free.

Yes i see the coincidences, click the like anyway. not afraid to hold the leash. Good balancing the dark side of the moon.

Hi i am all natural bell, lost in a frozen parallel of tired memories. Hi i am awake unlike sleeping beauty but scared to take this start of my life alone like 27scores worth of broken agos.

Yes now we know i know what we all know

Not mad at anyone but me. The rest? thats just lyrics to move a mind stuck in a museum of “don’t be yourself���.

so strong, all natural woman, so modern but too weak to leave this place.

Need that romance to be here, why hide my desires like a good girl anymore, for whom?

Not asexual and nothing against it. People categorize a backstory they have not and will never read.

Straight so straight it hurts deep.

just not aloud to be sexy or sexually attractive from years of shaming and suffocating oh i mean caring friends wolves and family.

you read this, the say, I opened the account... #not sorry still

Telling it how it is, as quickly as the tragedy appears

Can do the same in a positive position,

if i get out of this labyrinth of doubt and shame.

Surround me with love with water ill fucking grow a smile, a sexual desire. Until then I’ll keep pretending not to know what we know.

If my words are of a half assed socrate dreaming

it’s because there are no new thoughts, theres no one here in person to take me home.

Help me Not return to the stale mental state as 18, him telling me not today. Treat this woman to the things she needs. Including love.

String free lyrics,

so why then dose my body remember the same song same place?

Oh ya because nothings changed.

To much asking for someone to do more than post.

Someone ready to help heal so we can move to the next part of our chapter.

Hello once again. yes lost.girl sitting here. i should be writing instead of dwelling on a dribble of a tear. Instead of writing about nothing important.

I should work on me more, should be writing down things that matter not problems.

Wrote about love and it’s season

i have helped so many throughout to balance all the negative karma my broken ass made.

All the years, years, fighting the same stupid scenario and scenery.

when is it my turn for the hero to go beyond the romantic style of my very real life

When will he say hello in person, lets go in person, let go together in person.

is he enough to knock on my window, instead of look in from the outside.

Sorry fam “real eyes, realize real, lies”.

Too nice to assert the fact none of this is a coincidence every hour of every coincidence of every day.

I dance and move it is the leash holding back the veil between my window and the world

Yes there is love to be found.

Yes you are appreciated not mad at the posts glad you guys hear see feel understand

You also have a half to make whole.

I hope we know this is just another ramble though...out of touch at best.

But I wrote from the mind isn’t that’s what matters? One day now that we all know, we will make it 1+1=2 2+1=creation, God, harmony

You will make it 1+1=2

We will make it together tumblr till infinity ♾

Sober for so long it hurts. Sober even in love no wonder i wont open up correctly. Flower stunted in the cement of “comfort”.

[thisis-jas]

I answered them all because I know y’all won’t ask 🤷🏾‍♀️😊

VALENTINE'S DAY | ASK SPECIAL

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? I’m crushing on someone

2: Have you ever been deeply in love? Nope no idea why that feels like

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in? Couple weeks 🙃 I don’t count it though

4: Have you ever changed for someone? Nope

5: How is your relationship with your ex? Nonexistent

6: Have you ever been cheated on? Ehhh not by definition. Played most definitely though

7: Have you ever cheated? No

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating? Absolutely not

9: What's the most important part of a relationship? Tie between trust and communication

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"? Nope

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? No regrets over here

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? When they can handle it mentally including ALL that comes or can come along with sex

15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"? Sort of

16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"? Lust* at first sight

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet? No.

18: What do you consider a deal breaker? Lying

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship? The vibe is gone and you don’t desire to get it back

20: Are you currently in a relationship? Nope 😔

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Yes

22: Do you think people should date their friends? I think people should consider it a possibility.

23: How many relationships have you had? Ehhh 4🤔...none of them count though 🤷🏾‍♀️to me anyway 😊5

24: Do you think love can last forever? Yes

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? Yes if it’s strong enough and equal between two

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of? If that’s the sole reason, no

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? Don’t waste your time on that

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? No

29: What do you notice first about another person? Presentation is everything so their appearance/cleanliness

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? Straight

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? I’d be sad for them idk if bothered is how I’d categorize it

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No

33: Do you want to get married one day? Yes! 💍

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed? We’d have to be married for a couple years with a kid or two 😂. Nah I use to think it was a jinx* now i think it just is what it is between two

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

36: Are you still a virgin?

37: What's more important: Looks or personality? Equally important

38: Do you enjoy love films? No

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? From my dad...doesn’t count

40: Have you ever had a valentine? Once

41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"? Who wants a perfect love story anyway *sung in my Beyoncé voice+

42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"? Yes

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends? I’m not ranking them

44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"? Yes

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? No

46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"? No

47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite? Teyana and Iman

48: What's your favorite love song?

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart? No

50: If you're single, why do you think you are? God hasn’t sent Him my way or we’re not ready for each other...

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy? Neither

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? Nope I don’t even offer I’m single don’t listen to a word I say

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single? No

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)? Not important

55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"? No

56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship? No

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? I don’t think anything about suicide is “silly” people handle situations different ways, but I would never want someone to think suicide is the answer

58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?

60: What's your opinion on open relationships? Cool for ppl who like them but it’s a no from me dawg

61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family? Again not ranking them

62: How do you define "cheating"? 😒

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? No

64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated? Yes

65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"? 🤔🤷🏾‍♀️

[morsmordrehasbeensaved]

CONGRATULATIONS JOSIE, YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED AS BARTEMIUS CROUCH JR. WITH THE FACECLAIM OF BILL SKARSGARD!

Josie, all of us admins here absolutely loved your application! In particular, we loved the detail put into his character traits, as well as your interpretation of his relationship with his mother. The headcanons were a nice touch as well! Barty freaks me out, but I mean that in the best way possible! I’m so excited to see Barty on the dash. Welcome to Morsmordre, Josie. We are so happy to have you!

Check out our acceptance checklist right here on what to do next!

♔ OUT OF CHARACTER INFO ♔ NAME/ALIAS:

Josie.

AGE:

23.

PREFERRED PRONOUNS:

She/Her.

TIMEZONE & ACTIVITY:

EST – activity would be a 6 out of 10. I try my best to be online as often as I can, but I have a full-time job that takes a lot out of me as well.

TRIGGERS:

REMOVED.

ANYTHING ELSE:

REMOVED. Request approved.

♔ IN CHARACTER INFO ♔ FULL NAME:

Bartemius Crouch Jr. However, calling him Bartemius could land you on the wrong end of a hex. Only his father calls him Bartemius, you see. Barty is muchsafer.

BIRTHDAY AND AGE:

April 14, he is 16 years old.

PRONOUNS:

He/him.

SEXUALITY/ROMANTIC ORIENTATION:

Barty is asexual and biromantic. While he can handle physical affection, he much prefers a match of the minds and needs no physical contact to reassure him of his relationship with anyone.

EXTRACURRICULARS:

I love him in Knitting Club, though if possible could we add him to Chess Club? He enjoys showing off his intelligence and especially enjoys beating blood traitors and befriending possible allies.

PERSONALITY TRAITS:

POSITIVE (+): Intelligent, Perfectionist, Driven

Intelligent - Barty was placed in Ravenclaw for a reason and that was because the hat immediately saw the desperation for knowledge and thirst for learning as soon as it was placed upon his head. His mind moves at an incredibly fast pace, taking in situations and details and calculating the right actions in reply to this. He sees through facades and anything of the like with ease – and has long since put school work and the frivolities that come with it aside as irrelevant.

Perfectionist - Never a detail unseen, never a stone left unturned, Barty’s keen mind has never allowed for anything other than perfection. He works systematically, mentally categorizing new information for later use (his eidetic memory is a big help with this, too) – and makes sure there is never any flaw to be found in his works. Another positive aspect of this is that Barty can always sense whenever there is anything off when it comes to others, he picks up on lies and mistakes easily because he always remembers the little things.

Driven - There was a second of doubt from the Sorting Hat when it came between the choice of Ravenclaw and Slytherin. It could sense the ambition inside of him, the determination to become something even greater – in the end, his intelligence won out, but being placed in the house of Eagles did not quell this part of his personality. Barty enjoys improving himself, driving himself to become smarter, better and stronger. He was well aware his genius was above most of his peers from a young age on, but still, he pushes for more.

NEGATIVE (-): Obsessive-compulsive, Desperate, Manipulative

Obsessive-compulsive - The negative side to his perfectionism shows through in this side of his personality. He needs everything orderly, neatly sorted and coordinated the way he wants it to, or the chaos messes up his mind – it pushes him towards something that could almost be classified as madness. Barty absolutely cannot stand when things are unorganized, messy and chaotic, it makes him feel like he’s losing control – like he’s losing the grip on his sanity, and sometimes, that might actually be the truth.

Desperate - His father always seemed so disappointed in him, nothing Barty did was right, nothing Barty did was good. Compliments were rare in the Crouch household, but he craved them more than he did air. His mother, sweet as she was, tried whatever she could to satiate her son’s need for his father’s – his namesake’s – affection, but it did not work. Only last year did he find someone who’s praise was good enough to replace that of his fathers’, a man who branded him with a mark on his forearm and fed into his madness. He will do anything, anything at all, to please his Dark Lord.

Manipulative - Barty has always found it easy to toy with his peers. He could see through their petty little games and start one of his own, where he pulled the strings and have them dancing like puppets. While it is not something he occupies his days with, these manipulations are something he occasionally enjoys when he’s bored, running plays and watching the reactions they gave, things he could use in the future, the information he gathered. Ironically enough, something that has always been nothing but a game to him has quickly become one of the skills the Death Eaters find very promising in Barty.

BIOGRAPHY:

Bartemius – or Barty as he was affectionately known by his mother was born to a slightly dysfunctional family, of which became very apparent as he grew up. Whilst doted upon by his mother, and he to her his father was someone that had always been cold, distant – almost as if he had expected more of his son, and his only heir. Within this household, Barty came to be aware of the phrase that he as a child was to be seen but not heard. It was almost as if his father had been disappointed by the child he had, that he wasn’t good enough.

This affected him so much as a child that he strove to reach his father’s attention in any way possible. Encouraged by his mother, Barty began to work studiously in his work, reading any and all old textbooks that his father contained in his library so that he could become a son that his father was proud of, so that he would be acknowledged more than just Bartemius Crouch Junior; that he would be recognised by his father to be someone he was proud of. Unfortunately, this seemed to not be the case when he seemed to not reach his father’s attention even at the young age of five when he seemed to be displaying a natural talent for wandless magic.

His mother, on the other hand, showered him with praise. Whenever he picked up a new language, she let him babble on for days, listening intently to every word rolling off his tongue. Whenever he learned to play a new instrument, she clapped loudly, much to the annoyance of his music teacher. Whenever he showed a new piece of magic, she watched on with bright eyes, amazed by her son’s prodigy. Fiona Crouch absolutely adored her little Barty – and some part of her resented her husband for not doing the same, which was evident in the heaps and heaps of owl’s she sent him. Begging him to come to a recital, to read the recipe for a Potion he’d reinvented, anything at all. He never replied.

Fiona blames her husbands’ negligence for the attraction Barty quickly grew towards the Dark Arts. Even before Hogwarts, he had put aside normal spellwork and turned his eager eyes towards forbidden things; curses, hexes, and potions that harmed instead of helping. He’d whispered the word ‘Imperio’ at the neighbors’ boy when he was only ten, having him take the blame for a mess he’d caused. He’d screamed ‘Crucio’ at a rat, hiding in their cellar at home, his curiosity to see how the animal would react to pain like that too strong to overcome. There was only one Unforgivable he saved – one he refrained from casting until he could use it on the person who deserved it most. Despite the eagerness for his praise and love, the Dark Arts had unleashed in him the strong desire to kill his father.

There was not much mentionable for his first six years at Hogwarts. Barty was well above his peers when it came to his studies, he didn’t care much for social activities, and there was rarely anyone worth his time when it came to friendship. The only thing that pulled him through the bore that was school came with the approach of Lord Voldemort. A cousin from his mothers’ side had first come to Barty with a promise to be more, to stand above others and step on those of filthy blood. He’d never paid pureblood supremacy much mind before, but as soon as they started whispering in his ear, he quickly agreed with their views. In fact, it was one of the few things he felt strongly about since – though from the moment he met the Dark Lord, he knew that he would agree with anything that left this man’s mouth.

His mother had a faint expression of disappointment as soon as she realized what her son was getting himself into, especially with his fathers’ profession. It were mostly worries that crossed her mind, not wanting to see her precious Barty hurt. Fiona had learned to keep her lips sealed, however. She loved her son, and if this was the path that made him happy, that made him feel content in his life, she would not stand against it.

In Voldemort, Barty found more of a patriarchal figure than his own father had ever been to him. No one’s praise had ever been good enough to satiate his need before, but whenever this man told him ‘well done, Barty’ – he finally felt it. Satisfaction.

ADDITIONAL INFO:

Some more traits are:

Analytical (+), Cynical (-), Intrinsically Motivated (+/-), Intuitive (+), Sneaky (-), Systematic (+/-).

Songs I associate with Barty:

MUSE ––– MADNESS / THE PRETTY RECKLESS ––– MY MEDICINE / WOODKID ––– RUN BOY RUN / HOZIER ––– ARSONIST’S LULLABY / BLUE FOUNDATION ––– EYES ON FIRE / STEPHEN ––– CROSSFIRE / X AMBASSADORS ––– UNSTEADY / JRY ––– PRAY / HALSEY ––– CONTROL / ST VINCENT ––– ANTIDOTE / CIVIL TWILIGHT ––– HOW’M I SUPPOSED TO DIE / DAVID BOWIE ––– LIFE ON MARS.

Some headcanons:

ONE ––– In the summer before the start of his Third Year, he developed a tic of sorts. It was uncontrollable and unmanageable and the harder he fought it, the worse it became. His mother pretended she didn’t notice it and his father tried not to appear as visibly disgusted as he was by it. While it gets worse when he is around his family, it is still present every day in Hogwarts.

TWO ––– His OCD reached a meniscus, bubbling over into an obsession with the number five. He has to shake people’s hands five times, nod his head five times, shut his wardrobe door five times, and every night before bed he has to tap his wand against his bedside table. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

THREE ––– Since the start of this school year, Barty has decided to break off all contact when it come to his father. He stopped writing him letters, and made sure to tell his mother to do the same. The worst part about this is that it seems the lack of interaction hasn’t even been noticed.

[how-to-disable-your-text-blog]

HtDYT Guide: Writing Borderline Characters

Hi all, Mod Amaranthe here with another guide. I only recently accepted that I am borderline and I don’t have some of the most notable traits of BPD, so I’m sorry if I miss something here.

What BPD is

Borderline personality disorder, also called emotionally unstable personality disorder, is…well, it’s a personality disorder, so I will describe what a personality disorder actually is. Personality disorders are inflexible patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that are inherent parts of the people who experience them. Like with any mental illness, personality disorders have to cause significant distress and difficulty engaging with society in order to be diagnosable.

The borderline community is fairly split (ha; I’ll tell you why that is funny later) on whether or not “emotionally unstable personality disorder” is a respectful or even accurate label, so I’m going to stick with “borderline”. Whether or not borderline people use “borderline person”, “person with borderline/BPD”, or both mostly depends on the person, and I polled some of the Facebook groups for borderlines that I’m in and found out that most borderline people say “I have BPD” and “I’m borderline” interchangeably. (I am usually a fan of identity-first language. I might do a post on why later.)

What being borderline feels like

Being borderline feels like you don’t know who you are and everything around you has the potential to change, especially for the worse, at any time. Half the time you hear a friend or family member—especially someone you care about—sound disinterested, bored, or, powers that be help you, angry, you become paralytically terrified that they are going to leave you alone forever. You spend a lot of time desperate for others’ approval, seeking validation by any means necessary, because if you don’t have proof that you deserve to live, well, you deserve to die. You may feel like there’s nothing to you that doesn’t change; you can’t pick a career or a fashion style or a favorite genre of music. You find yourself imitating fictional characters or acting entirely different based on whom you’re interacting with. You might fill what feels like a vacuum where your soul should be with impulsively spending tons of money, getting high, or overeating.

I also wrote a song about how it feels to be borderline. I’m the enemy of my own mind. Always walking on the borderline. The void in my head has me paralyzed. Behind my eyes, there’s no one inside.

I paint my face up like a mask so you think there’s a person behind it. Don’t tell me about that time I cried it off, I don’t want to be reminded. There’s nothing you can do to me I haven’t done to myself. Don’t tell me I’m on my way there; I’m already in hell.

I’ll put you on a pedestal Then smash it and laugh at your funeral. Bathe myself in high-end perfume Or seal my wallet; who knows what I’ll do.

I paint my face up like a mask so you think there’s a person behind it. Don’t tell me about that time I cried it off, I don’t want to be reminded. There’s nothing you can do to me I haven’t done to myself. Don’t tell me I’m on my way there; I’m already in hell.

I’m the enemy of my own mind. Always walking on the borderline.

I paint my face up like a mask so you think there’s a person behind it. Don’t tell me about that time I cried it off, I don’t want to be reminded. There’s nothing you can do to me I haven’t done to myself. Don’t tell me I’m on my way there; I’m already in hell.

That is a fairly extreme version of what it’s like to be borderline. Some borderline people experience this kind of instability almost all the time, some just enough to cause a significant disruption in their life. I am led to believe that it doesn’t always suck this much. My borderline traits are exacerbated all to hell by my comorbid conditions.

Common borderline traits

Here is a long list of traits a borderline character might have or behaviors they might engage in:

-Fear of abandonment -Splitting (to be explained later) -Self-hatred/feelings of worthlessness, possibly suicidal ideation -Self-harm -Unstable sense of self/being easily influenced by other people’s ideas -Fear of the future -Frequently changing appearance, hobbies, and jobs -Constant feeling of being mistreated, misunderstood, or victimized -Unstable interpersonal relationships (neediness, mistrustfulness, anxiety in interpersonal matters) -Extreme perfectionism -Unusually intense emotions, especially rage; this usually happens in response to outside stimuli, not semi-randomly like bipolar or cyclothymia (I get deeply annoyed when people call borderline “bipolar lite”) -Underreacting when you’re not overreacting -Disordered eating patterns -Using sex as a coping mechanism/to prove to themselves that they’re desirable -“Favorite person” attachments (to be explained later) -Impulsive behavior, especially when it comes to spending money or doing dangerous activities -Substance addiction -Constant need for validation, especially proof of other people’s positive feelings about them (I literally forget that people care about me if they’re not actively demonstrating it; yes, it sucks) -Dissociation when under stress -Difficulty retaining information about people and events -Lack of awareness of how their actions may affect others -Crappy executive function, especially if you have no idea what your feelings are doing and have to spend all that time you should be spending cleaning the apartment wrestling with your brain -Dermatillomania or trichotillomania as a stress response

Favorite person attachments

A favorite person, or FP, is someone a borderline person is obsessed with. Borderline people may think their FP is better than everyone else. A borderline person would walk to hell and back for their FP (well, unless they’re splitting on their FP; more on splitting in the next section). Having an FP is also sometimes called “imprinting” on someone.

Having an FP is simultaneously the best and worst feeling. It’s the best feeling because when they smile at you or say they care about you, it’s like everything is right with the world and you feel amazing. But you’re also constantly afraid of your FP abandoning you, and if your FP isn’t actively demonstrating that they care about you, you are probably wringing your hands about how they probably actually hate you. You also may be jealous of or even hate the other people that your FP interacts with.

Another downside to having an FP is that, most of the time, a borderline person will forgive their FP even if their FP is seriously hurting or abusing them. Mentally ill people are more likely than mentally healthy people to experience abuse (and not more likely to be the abusers), and the borderline tendency to forgive your FP for anything is definitely a predisposition to experiencing abuse.

A borderline character may spend a lot of time thinking about their FP and seeking their approval, and even more time worrying that their FP hates them now. The fear of abandonment will get especially strong when the character reaches out to their FP and their FP doesn’t respond right away, e.g., if the character calls their FP and the FP doesn’t pick up. A borderline character may or may not have romantic feelings for their FP. A borderline character will also be also quick to passionately defend their FP to other characters.

Many borderline people form FP attachments, but not all.

Splitting

Splitting is best described as black-and-white thinking about people. To a borderline person, most other people are either perfect or completely terrible. When a borderline person says they’re “splitting on” someone, though, that usually refers to thinking that that person is The Worst. Borderline people can split on anyone, including their favorite person and themselves. (I spend most of my time splitting on myself, thinking I am The Worst and don’t deserve to continue breathing. It’s very irritating.) Splitting on someone ordinarily happens in response to something the target of splitting does; it isn’t random. Splitting on a favorite person often happens because that person has already been on a pedestal, and when the pedestal gets shattered, a portal to hell opens under it. (Yes, borderline people can either split on their FP over practically nothing or forgive them for abuse. You read that right.)

Splitting on a person and feeling like they are The Worst is often accompanied by feelings of intense rage and hatred. If a borderline person is splitting on their favorite person, there also may be feelings of betrayal. Splitting may often include fantasize about being angry and violent; these thoughts are usually cathartic and help the borderline person calm down without actually lashing out. (Borderline people split; assholes lash out. Sometimes assholes are borderline, but not all borderline people are assholes, and BPD does not turn someone into an asshole.)

When a borderline character splits on someone, don’t write about them acting on their feelings of anger and hatred. Keep it in their head. As I said above, splitting is a borderline trait; assholery is not. If a borderline character’s splitting-related thoughts extend to violence, make sure to clarify that the character would never actually act on these thoughts. They may also feel guilty after the splitting goes away (I know I do). A character will probably only be splitting on someone for one scene; it doesn’t last long. If a character is not splitting in the “I hate you now” sense at the moment, they still are likely to categorize other people as “overall great” and “overall terrible”.

Splitting is a very common borderline trait, but not all borderline people split.

Self-harm

This isn’t exclusive to borderline people, of course, but self-harm isn’t just white high school cis girls cutting their wrists with scissors. Self-harm can take the form of cutting, of course, but here are other forms of self-harm:

-depriving oneself of food or other necessary things like medication -unsafe participation in extreme sports -scalding/burning oneself -banging or hitting body parts -ingestion of toxic substances

A borderline person may self-harm when they are splitting on themselves or otherwise suffering from feelings of self-hatred.

Unstable sense of self and relationships

This has already been touched on a little bit in the list of common borderline traits, but it’s likely to come up when writing a borderline character, so I will go into more detail.

A borderline character with unstable sense of self may have a good amount of trouble deciding what they want to do with their life. They may job-hop or have a hell of a time deciding what they want to study in college, vocational school, or whatever equivalent of tertiary school exists in your setting. A borderline character may throw themselves wholeheartedly into new studies or career paths, love it at first, and then rather suddenly find themselves disliking it. They probably also get varied results on personality tests and those aptitude tests that are meant to help people decide what career to pursue.

Another thing I mentioned earlier that a borderline character might do is change their appearance. Your borderline character may go through many different hair colors and styles and have a giant wardrobe because they rapidly cycle through fashion phases. Characters with facial hair may do many different things with it. When writing this kind of behavior, it’s good to point out that the character isn’t doing it just for the sake of trying new things, but they feel like their new look is an accurate reflection of how they’re feeling.

A borderline person may also frequently change their political stances, religious beliefs, diet, taste in music, etc. These changes may be influenced by the people they are spending time with, but not necessarily. But your borderline character may go through a lot of changes. Expect criticism of your character being inconsistent from people who don’t get it.

Unfortunately, the unstable sense of self in a borderline person can result in them being taken advantage of, because shady and manipulative people might see how a borderline person is easily influenced. (Said shady and manipulative person doesn’t have to be an FP.) A borderline character might end up spending most of their time with someone who is controlling and isolating them. What I’m saying here is that borderline people are susceptible to being abused because of our unstable senses of self. Because of that tendency, we may have unstable relationships with people who hurt us but we aren’t secure enough to permanently leave.

On a slightly less depressing note, unstable sense of self can also result in a borderline character frequently changing the crowds they hang out with because they feel like they have less in common with their former friends. This can also happen with romantic and sexual relationships and QPs, and even with the borderline character’s FP. The people a borderline character interacts with may point out this behavior or how different they seem/how frequently their likes and dislikes change.

What to avoid

When referring to borderline people, avoid saying “borderlines”. That’s kind of like saying “the gays”. Also, it’s language that people who are actively engaged in perpetuating saneism use. The safest language to use when discussing a borderline character is to say “person with BPD”, since borderline people who are okay with using identity-first language for ourselves may not like someone else referring to us as such, and few borderline people object to “person with BPD”.

Don’t write criminals with BPD if you aren’t borderline yourself. I’m writing a story about a vigilante who kills rapists and whose identity is so subsumed by her vigilante/superhero identity because she is borderline and had an extremely unstable identity to begin with. But I can do that because since I’m borderline, I have the knowledge and experience required to separate the character’s disorder from her actions.

Don’t write about “toxic borderlines” or how being borderline affects how an abusive or toxic person acts. Do personality disorders affect pretty much everything about how a person with a PD acts? Yes. Should people without the disorder in question write about that in terms of abuse? NOOOOOOOOO. (This is especially relevant to NPD—the idea of “n*rc*ss*st*c abuse” is an extremely ableist one that floats around abuse survivor circles and drives my abuse survivor cluster B ass up the wall—but BPD gets that kind of crap too.) If you write a borderline character that ends up accidentally hurting someone, you should 1) have them understand what they’ve done wrong, apologize, and not do it again and 2) get a sensitivity reader to make sure you’re doing that right.

Final notes

There’s a lot of diversity among borderline people. There’s no one right way to write a borderline character. However, there are a lot of wrong ways, and since borderline is so ridiculously stigmatized, I would be tempted to suggest that anyone who isn’t borderline and wants to write a borderline character get a sensitivity reader.

*crickets* Erm…yeah, that’s all I have.

-Mod Amaranthe

[octaviaquadratum]

Reading Ally's blog was amazing because I feel the exact same way about some things, and she worded them so well, way better than I've been able to.

The first post -- about love -- really hit me.

When I started playing with Kurt, a struggle I had was that I was actually *not* in love with him. What a weird struggle, right?! Well, I'm used to falling in love with people easily, and playing/doing boudoir things with only people I'm in love with. This meant that Kurt presented me with new feelings that I did not know how to handle, because all of my models are based on romantic love.

Our first time playing was unplanned, it just kind of happened after he cut my hair at my house. He asked me for a back rub. I gave him one, and then put the moves on him. It felt natural and necessary and it went very, very well.

Our next playdate was at his house, scheduled, about a month later, and it was also amazing. The next day I messaged him to say I really needed to call him to process. "You're in love with me", he said on the phone. "No, that's just it, I'm NOT in love with you, and I've never done this stuff with someone I wasn't in love with, so I'm having trouble because I don't know what box to put this in", I said. He was surprised -- "that's a relief, usually people always fall in love with me", he said, and we talked about why I felt the need to put the relationship in a box. (Answer: I need to categorize things in order to make sense of my world and to know where I fit -- a need very common in most people!).

The part of my brain that grabs small details, holds onto them forever, and uses them to inform future thought and action went, "ok. He's relieved that I don't love him."

That same brain-part also grabbed onto a time when I visited him after Allyson had been here, and he and Amy and I were casually chatting, and he started talking about how she had told him she loves him, and how he doesn't want people to tell him they love him. Amy asked if he meant just Allyson, or everyone in general, period, and Kurt answered that he meant everyone -- if no one ever told him they love him again, that would be great, he said.

.... Brain went, "ok, never tell him you love him, if that ever happens, because he doesn't like that."

Fast forward several months, and... well, shit... I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him.

My ability to say that comes at the end of a huge amount of mental gymnastics wherein I questioned if that was true:

Why do I love him?

Is this really love, or is "love" just a placeholder word, the most readily understandable thing to label what's actually a more complex emotion?

What even IS love? I found some solace in Howard Jones' song, "What is Love?" (lyrics included below), as I began to realize that I, the one my friends come to for relationship advice, the one of my friends who has been in their primary relationship the longest and who was the first to marry, the one who has played matchmaker for other friends who ended up getting married themselves, the one who frequently uses a heart symbol as a stand-in for their own name, and has regarded themselves as uniquely blessed by the deities of love that they acknowledge, DO NOT KNOW WHAT ROMANTIC LOVE IS.

This created a sort of identity crisis. It made me question my whole self. Love is at the center of everything I do, isn't it? I've said that for years! But I came to question what that means. I realized that in that sense, I define love as the respect and compassion I have for other beings. I could tell pretty much banyone I love them and mean it in this way.

But romantic love? I was always one of those people who answered "how do you know you're in love?" With "you just know", AND I ALWAYS JUST KNEW. But with Kurt? I didn't "just know". What the hell?

And... enter those little snippets my brain has held onto, telling me that a) he does not want me to fall in love with him, and b) he most certainly doesn't want me to tell him, if I do....

And cue me feeling a large amount of angst. What the fuck am I gonna do? What CAN I do?

But... Ally's post made me realize something incredible: he already knows how I feel.

A few times he and I got together ago, I was trying to explain some thought process I was having. I forget exactly what it was. It did not involve my feelings toward him. But he was like, "you're in love with me", and he kept saying it, kept bringing what I was saying back around to it, in a sort of "a-ha! Gotcha!" way, like he thought that's what I was trying to talk about. But it wasn't, and I felt like what I actually wanted to talk about was important, and in that moment I felt unheard and was kind of getting annoyed because he kept pushing the idea. So I kept denying it -- "no, that's not it. What I'm trying to say is [other stuff]".

Now I see clear as day that that, frustrating as it was at the time, was his acknowledgment that he perceives how I feel. He does read me very well, why do I think I can hide what I'm feeling from him? It must be so obvious to him. I wish I had leaned into it at the time. But the fact that I didn't doesn't really change anything. He knows. (I would have just made it awkward, anyway, haha).

I have another non-primary partner who I've been with for 4 years, and I'm in love with him. But he is not in love with me. We have talked about it, and I learned that he has never felt an emotion that made him go, "oh, that's love!" And I understand that, because of my belief that when it's love, you know. It *did* hurt at first that he didn't love me back, but I eventually reconciled it because I realized it wasn't personal -- It's not like he's been in love with everyone else he's dated, but finds me unlovable; it's across the board (I'm pretty sure he's aromantic). We find our "Leia: I love you / Han: I know"- style exchange comfortable at this point.

Kurt has made me thankful for this other partner in an unexpected way: I do not expect Kurt to love me, and I understand if he does not or cannot, and furthermore, that it does not have to be personal. It does not upset me... and I would not be able to feel this way presently if i was not experienced with it because of my other partner.

But DOES Kurt love me? Can I look at specific words or actions and go, "that's how he tells me he loves me!"?

I don't know. And it kind of doesn't even matter to me.

The thought "I have strong feelings for you" has also come to me often when I think about him. I feel like that's the closest I would be able to get to telling him how I feel, and in a way, it would be more accurate than Those Three Words... because I feel a lot more than love. I feel respect, admiration, and such a strong desire to serve him and dedicate and commit myself to him. I felt these before I realized I love him. Love is just the cherry on top. And strong feelings are what he has shown me when we interact -- When I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, he makes sure I know it.

And that is all I need.

---------

"What is Love?" -- Howard Jones

I love you whether or not you love me. I love you even if you think that I don't. Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you, but I don't mind. Why should I mind, why should I mind?

What is Love anyway? Does anybody love anybody anyway? What is Love anyway? Does anybody love anybody anyway?

Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear? Never worry, never be sad? The answer is they cannot love this much, nobody can. This is why I don't mind you doubting.

And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be -- The door always must be left unlocked To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you, And not to spend the time just doubting.

~~~

[akanemachurida-blog]

2016/07 - My Girl Vol. 13 Interview

This interview is from My Girl Vol. 13.

Here’s Churi-chan, who is on the cover. She revealed her charming cuteness in the photoshoot for this magazine, posing in many different ways and with various expressions. She’ll now talk about her theory of cuteness!

From my impression you’re a rather difficult person to categorize as being sexy or cute. (laugh)

Takayanagi: That’s right. (laughs) I’m… unique?

Oh, that’s it!

Takayanagi: I feel like I want to be someone who can change depending on the circumstance. I could therefore be cute as well as sexy depending on the situation. It’d be nice if I could be like that.

Speaking of uniqueness, there was a time where your hair was pink.

Takayanagi: Yup. I dyed my hair for a role in a musical, it felt like I sort of went over my limit. (laughs) As soon as the musical ended I cut my hair short. Compared to that time I’ve more or less calmed down now.

Do you feel like you’re finished being adventurous?

Takayanagi: No, I still want to be adventurous but I don’t have a flashy hairstyle.

Is that so? (laughs)

Takayanagi: Yes. (laughs) I don’t have any particular hairstyle for work purposes right now. To be honest, my ideal job is one like Kyary Kyary Pamyu’s where you have to change your style a lot, and while I don’t want to sully SKE48’s image in any way, it’ll be nice if I can continue to be unique and do unique things. It goes without saying that that would apply to my appearance, but I’d also want it to apply to my character as well. It’s boring if everyone resembles each other.

Ah, I see. Then if the unique Takayanagi had to mention a moment where she was cute, what would it be?

Takayanagi: I can give off a strong idol impression when I’m on a stage, but I wonder what a cute moment during my regular life would be like? The clothing I wear during a photoshoot strongly influences my decision to make a cute expression. The real me is a quiet, gloomy person. (laughs) My face brightens up when I wear something flowery. So there’s a switch that happens with my personality, however I think that the outfit precedes that. It would be rather difficult to laugh in an idol-like way if I was only wearing a simple white one-piece.

So it all starts with the shape?

Takayanagi: Yup. Then there’s a lot of different types of cuteness. I have the desire to be able to be naturally cute. My character is not that of an orthodox idol, so it’s nice when I can inadvertently smile naturally. The truth is I don’t have much confidence in my smile, however when I look back at a picture in which I was laughing naturally I think to myself, “I was really happy at the time.” I get some courage from the past me when I see how much I was able to smile at that time. I therefore get very happy when I pull off a wonderful smile during the photo shoot.

Speaking of photography, you’re pretty serious about it.

Takayanagi: Yup! Ever since I started holding a camera I now imagine myself through a lens while preparing for a shoot. Recently the cameramen have been telling me more and more “Ah, that angle is what I wanted.” It seems like it’s correct for me to think in the position of the photographer so that my body naturally moves in a certain way. I think it’s great when I can closely follow the feelings of the one taking the photo. Such as when I say something like, “Like this, like this? Like this right?” (laughs)

You’re a capable idol, huh.

Takayanagi: Ahahahaha. Usually I’m the one who’s being taken pictures of, however I love taking pictures, so it would be nice if I could get camera-related work from here on out.

Next up is a question to get to know you better. Could you please tell us about your “instruction manual“?

Takayanagi: I’m rather easily depressed, so while I want some advice to improve myself, I want it to be said kindly. For example, rather than saying “Why weren’t you able to do it more like that?”, I’d rather something like “What if you were to do it this way instead?” Although they both essentially mean the same thing, the way those sentences are said feel entirely different for the listener, so I’d be happier if told something gently if possible. It may be that during those times I am also aware of what I need to improve on. Being reprimanded in a harsh tone only makes me more depressed and leads me think rebellious things like, “I, of all people, know that.”

So it’s not about telling someone something without listening to them, but rather trying to understand their feelings?

Takayanagi: That’s right. I’m happy if I’m told something in a way like, “I understand how you feel, but next time try doing it more like this.”

Anything else in your instruction manual?

Takayanagi: Yup, if you want to go out with me or become my future husband you need to take care of my birds with me.

That’s absolute? A must?

Takayanagi: It’s a must. If I really felt that that person was the only one for me and that person hated birds... then I’d need to rent another house just for my birds! So it’d have to be someone who would allow that (laughs).

So you’d go back to your bird house on certain days?

Takayanagi: Yes, absolutely. Birds are essential for me. By the way I’ve been living with birds for nine years already, and in my opinion birds’ lives are as valuable as those of  humans’. They might be even more valuable than my husband. (laughs)

Your future husband can’t afford to lose to parrots.

Takayanagi: That’s right. (laughs) Speaking of things in my instruction manual, I’d be happy if my future partner was good at cooking. I think it’s nice when I see female personalities on TV say that their husbands cook for them. I like cooking, however I’d definitely be moved if my husband were to cook for me when I’m busy or tired! I’d also like to cook together in the kitchen during holidays.

On the topic of SKE48’s new single, Kin no Ai, Gin no Ai, what should we pay attention to in the song?

Takayanagi: This single’s lyrics are very gloomy. At any rate, they make you think. I wouldn’t have thought that SKE48 would have sung such a dark song.

As the theme song of the drama Death Cash, which Matsui Jurina is appearing in, could there be a link between the lyrics and the content of the show...

Takayanagi: That’s right. I haven’t been able to see the drama yet (this interview was conducted during the first ten days of July) but once I’ll see it there will probably be some parts that I’ll be able to connect with the lyrics. The first chorus was made public just a few days ago, and some of the fans’ reaction is that it feels new. The MV feels like nothing we’ve done before, it seems like... the SKE48 members are blending with daily life in the city. There’s scene with Suda Akari-chan and Oba Mina-chan and myself, where we’re acting as women coming back from a club in Shibuya early in the morning while we’re surrounding by the salarymen and office ladies commuting to work. (laughs) It might be hard to understand but I’d like you to try and find it.

Does coming back from the club have a sort of fashionable feel to it?

Takayanagi: No, it doesn’t feel showy or anything like that. Rather, the shooting was quite early in the morning for me, so I probably looked like someone who’s half-asleep? But I think that being tired fit with the scenario of girls coming back from the club. (laughs)

Other than that, the MV has a scene with everyone dancing, right?

Takayanagi: Yes. It was filmed on top of a building, and although summer had just started it was really cold. Everyone was using pocket heaters and endured the cold. Therefore our expressions might be firm but I think it’s good since it’s a serious scene (laughs).

There’s something meaningful about thinking positively about whether your expression fit the thematic style of the MV. I’d like to ask you about Happy Ranking, the coupling song. Who are the “Ranking Girls 2016”, who sing this song?

Takayanagi: It’s a unit of every member who ranked in this year’s sousenkyo. It’s a very bright, idol-like song, the lyrics have a feeling of “thanks for supporting me!” to them. It’s a school play song so it’s not like we’re directly saying thanks for the sousenkyo, but the song has that sort of message to it. I’ll be happy if those who listen to it feel like they’re glad that they voted!