#like more than usual tumblr crush levels

[collaredkittyboy]

YES THE EXACT RESPONSE I WANTED, GET OVER HERE PUPPY LEMME SNUGGLE YOU TO DEATH❤️❤️❤️❤️

[feli-052]

Love struggles

[justagalwhowrites]

The Savage and the Sanctuary - Ch. 1: Wrong Foot

Joel takes on a new contract as a bodyguard. A continuation of The Savage and the Sanctuary, a no outbreak TLOU story, from the prologue found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

CW: Non-consensual groping (not by Joel.) Mention of grief and child loss. No use of Y/N. Whole fic will be explicit so minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 7.1k

Fic Masterlist | Masterlist | AO3 | Prologue | Next Chapter

Two years later - September 2024

“You really want me for this one?” he asked as he rode up the elevator at the nicest hotel in Austin. Even after two years protecting wealthy assholes, Joel wasn’t used to shit like this. The fast elevators and the plush carpets and the trappings of wealth that provided everything his charges needed. Everything, it seemed, except safety. 

For that, they needed him. 

Protecting people, as it happened, was something Joel was good at. It almost surprised him how good he was at it. It forced him to be aware of what was happening around him for a change instead of just moving through the world like a ghost. It took that awareness for him to even realize just how dead he’d been in the years since the death of his daughter.

Usually, things went fine. Most often, he was shepherding tech or oil executives with inflated egos from business meeting to business meeting while they were in town and looking the other way when they cheated on their wives or put half his salary up their noses. Nothing ever happened with those assholes. 

Occasionally, though, his job got interesting. Rabid fans tried to mob some pop star Joel had never heard of at a club on 6th Street once and he had to carry her out, forcing his way through the crowd before she got crushed. Then there was the supermodel who was posing for photos with fans when one little college-aged fucker thought it would be smart to grab her ass to cop a feel. Joel took a little too much pleasure in punching him so hard that he fell to the floor, knocked clean out. The football player had been the biggest trouble, though. Some hotshot asshole who’d just won the Super Bowl coming back to his college town to party. He picked a fight with the wrong drug dealer and damn near got shot for it, Joel whisking him away and getting winged in the shoulder by the bullet for his trouble. 

He didn’t want to admit, even to himself, that he liked when the work got dicey. Being shot at was the closest to alive Joel has felt in years. Getting to lay out some asshole without the cops trying to arrest him for it had been the highlight of his month. It made him very good at his job and he liked that, both things that surprised him. 

“You’re my best guy,” Tommy said. “You’ve seen more action on this job than almost any of the other guards and they want someone with a good history. Plus you don’t give a shit about… higher profile clientele. I can’t put fuckin’ James on a job with someone he knows, he’ll fan boy over ‘em. Remember when that one band came through?” 

“Jesus,” Joel groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. It had been an easy job but it was one that he’d had to do most of the work on, James practically giddy the entire time. “Yeah, you’re right. So, what, this some pop star or somethin’?” 

“Not sure,” Tommy said. “They’ve been playin’ it real close to the chest, won’t ID ‘em until we sign an NDA.” 

“So you got no idea what we’re workin’ with,” Joel said, grinding his teeth. 

“Just that it’s someone people know,” Tommy said. “Long term contract, real good money. They mentioned a stalker, they’re bringing all the information along on that to review, wanted you to see it before we signed on.” 

Joel nodded slowly. 

“Well,” he said. “Least it’ll be interesting.” 

They made it to the top floor of the hotel, only four doors and Joel fought the urge to laugh. God, this breed of rich asshole was a whole new level. 

Tommy led the way to a door labeled Presidential Suite and knocked, a young woman with close cropped dark hair and a headphone in her ear answered the door. 

“One second,” she said, tapping her headphone before she smiled at the two men. “Thank you for coming, Mr. Miller. My boss prefers to have people come to where she is when she travels, I’m sure you can understand…” 

“Of course,” Tommy said. “Happy to go wherever you need.” 

“Can I get you anything?” She asked, leading the way into a hotel suite that had to be damn near the size of Joel’s entire house. “Coffee? Water? Tea? Also have a variety of Coke I think you call it here if you’d like that.” 

“Water’s fine,” Tommy said. 

“Still, sparkling?” She asked. “Also have cucumber, lemon, mint…” 

“Uh,” Tommy blinked for a moment and Joel fought the urge to laugh. “Still’s fine. None of that other stuff.” 

She nodded before she looked to Joel, her brows raised. 

“Coffee,” he said. “Black.” 

“Of course,” she smiled, leading them to a sitting room and gesturing to a couch. “Quinn will be with you shortly.” 

She disappeared and returned with their drinks, handing them to each of them with a smile before she tapped the headphone again. 

“Thank you,” she said, her voice almost syrupy sweet as she went to another room. “I appreciate you waiting since you’re apparently so willing to try to fuck us over…” 

Tommy’s eyes went wide and he looked at Joel, the conversation becoming almost silent as she closed the door behind her. 

“Definitely ain’t from around here,” Joel said. 

“Guess not,” Tommy said. 

It wasn’t long - Joel only drank half the coffee which was far better than he was expecting it to be - when another door opened, a woman closer to his own age coming out, dressed in an expertly fitted gray suit, her dark hair in long, tiny braids that hung to her waist. Sarah had always liked hair like that, always begged Joel to let her get them. He wished he had whiskey for his coffee. 

The woman was on the phone, too, but she was on speaker. 

“I don’t care,” she said. “You know the deal and I’m not going to just sit here and pretend that you don’t because you decided today was the day to play fucking games. Call me when you want to handle shit like a fucking grown up.” 

She hung up and sat heavily on the couch opposite them, the girl who answered the door almost scurrying into the room and hovering near the large coffee table. The woman in the suit - Quinn, Joel assumed - giving her a single nod and she rushed off, quickly returning with a bottle of water and several folios. 

“Tommy,” Quinn smiled. “While it’s good to see you again, I’m sure you’ll understand when I say I’m looking forward to getting this settled so we can stop meeting like this.” 

Tommy smiled back. 

“Can’t say I disagree,” he said. “Wanted you to have the chance to meet Joel, he’ll be the lead on this contract assuming we go ahead. He’s one of my best guys, got the history you asked for…” 

“I’m sure being your brother doesn’t hurt,” she smiled a little. Joel raised his eyebrows and looked to Tommy but she answered his unspoken question. “We pulled backgrounds for everyone on your payroll. We can’t be too careful.” 

She tossed one of the leather folios on the table. 

“This is what we’re up against,” she said. “Redacted, of course, so you can’t ascertain who my client is but you’ll have access to the full versions should you accept the contract and sign the necessary NDAs. We’ve naturally brought them to the police and they believe the threat is credible. They have a lot of information - some of these were sent to my client’s private residence, for example - and it’s clear they’ve seen my client in person numerous times. We have reason to believe they will follow my client wherever she goes and there is genuine concern for escalation…” 

Tommy picked up the file and looked it over, nodding slowly, before passing a page off to Joel. It was the photo copy of a printed letter. 

You were beautiful today in that green dress. 

One day, you’ll come home to me. One day, I’ll make you see. 

Joel passed the page back to Tommy. 

“I can see why you’re concerned,” Tommy said, handing the folio back. “Don’t seem like anything we can’t handle. I think we’re alright to move forward with the contract as discussed…” 

There was a knock at the door and the girl ran to go answer it, Quinn ignoring it completely. 

“Excellent,” she said, grabbing another folio and passing it over. “This is the contract and the NDA, already reviewed by your legal team. We just require a wet signature.” 

Tommy nodded, looking over the pages, anyway, and Joel was starting to wonder why he’d had to be trotted out like some kind of prize show pony just to sign some damn paperwork when there was a commotion at the door. 

“This really isn’t necessary,” the girl was saying, her voice oddly pleading, the total opposite of how she’d been on the phone. 

“Oh I’m sure Quinn won’t mind,” another voice - a new one but there was a tug of familiarity to it that set Joel’s teeth on edge - said. “I am her favorite client, after all.” 

Quinn’s head snapped in the direction of the sound and, in a sweep of gauzy clothes and floral perfume, you were there. 

Joel recognized you immediately, everything about you seeming to have been built to be remembered. The whole world remembered you, it had been years since he’d been able to escape you. The biggest movie star on the planet, helming major franchises and winning fucking Oscars, on the cover of gossip rags at the fucking grocery store and on billboards advertising perfume and on Saturday Night Live. In person, from the second you appeared, you were a force. Your face, your voice, the way you held yourself, no wonder he always noticed you when you were all around him. No wonder his daughter had been obsessed with you. 

Your face was a poster on her wall, a picture where you had the slightest, confident smile on your lips but your eyes always seemed sad. You turned those eyes to him, ranging over him like you were taking stock and Joel’s heart stuttered before your gaze turned to Tommy and back to Quinn. 

“So glad you got the meeting started without me,” you said, all saccharine sweetness, stepping over Joel’s legs and sitting down on the edge of the couch between him and Tommy. You crossed one elegant leg over the other - your pants ever so slightly sheer so Joel could just make out your thigh below the loose fabric - and leaned forward, taking Joel’s white china coffee cup off the table and helping yourself to a sip with a jingle of your bangles that were piled high on your wrists. You gave him a wink as you did, setting the cup back on its saucer before leaning onto your leg, your arms folded in front of you. “I’m sure the fact that I didn’t know it was happening has nothing to do with wanting to cut me out of the decision making for something that’s going to be apparently integral to my life over the next year.” 

“I just don’t want to bog you down with petty things like this,” Quinn waved you off. “You have enough on your plate, that’s what you pay me for…” 

“Oh I’m sure that’s all it is…” 

Quinn leaned forward, too, meeting your steely gaze from across the table. The knowing smile that had been on her lips just a second earlier was gone. In its place was a no nonsense expression that Joel imagined carried her far when dealing with Hollywood assholes. She, it seemed, was done coddling you. 

“The studios know,” she cut you off. “Someone at the police station leaked it. And they won’t insure you without higher levels of security, especially if you want to spend this much time outside LA. You want to keep working? You need security. At least until we get to the bottom of whoever is sending you letters.” 

“Have you tried telling them how well the tickets will sell when I die?” You asked, brows raised. “I’m sure they’ll be champing at the bit then, especially now that they can just replace me with CGI for whatever isn’t in the can…” 

“That’s not funny,” Quinn said sharply. 

“Oh, come on. It was a little funny.” 

She glared at you. 

“Do you really want someone like that getting close to her?” She asked, her voice almost unsettlingly earnest and gentle. You almost deflated then, giving in. “It’s not safe, babe. I’m trying to keep you safe. It just so happens that it’s also in the studio’s best interest so you don’t have to foot the entire bill.” 

“You must not have told them about the boost in ticket sales, then,” you said wryly. She rolled her eyes. “But fine. If you really think there’s a risk to her? I’ll do it.” 

Joel wondered who this “her” was. Knowing movie stars, probably some tiny fucking dog you carried in your goddamn purse. 

You looked to Joel for a moment, your gaze oddly cutting, like you were seeing through every part of him before turning your attention to Tommy. 

“When does your contract begin then?” 

Tommy glanced at Joel, almost asking if he was actually OK with this. Clearly, this wasn’t what Tommy had expected either. Joel gave a minute shrug. 

“Tomorrow,” Tommy said, looking back to you. “Joel here will be your point man but you’ll also be working with a few other guys from my company. He’ll get you oriented tomorrow and we can work out a way to ensure your protection that’s minimally disruptive to your daily life.” 

You scoffed. 

“Something tells me having a wall of muscle follow me everywhere is going to disruptive,” you said. “But the studio says jump, we say how high, right?” 

“Hey, I don’t make the rules,” Quinn said.

“We all know who does,” you muttered darkly, getting to your feet. “Well, since all this was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not, I think I’m done wasting my time here.” 

You turned to Joel and he found himself in the unnatural position of looking up to someone, his jaw tight as you levied those exacting eyes on him again. 

“See you in the morning,” you said, reaching down and helping yourself to another sip of his coffee with a wink before stepping over his legs and heading out the door in a whirl of soft perfume and flowing fabric. He looked back to the coffee cup. Your lipstick was on the rim.

Joel tried not to think about how you looked at him as Tommy finished up with the formalities, the conversation between his brother and Quinn a drone he couldn’t really make out over the noise in his head as his leg bounced impatiently.

When Tommy had looked at him just now, the silent request for permission, he should have bowed out. He should have said he didn’t want to put his life on the line for some spoiled fucking brat and gone home. But he hadn’t and he couldn’t back out of this now. It didn’t matter how much you made him think of his daughter. It didn’t matter how your eyes seemed to cut him to the quick. He owed Tommy. When he’d started in this business, he’d told his brother that he could do this work and sometimes that meant doing shit he wasn’t comfortable with. He would just have to live with that. 

Eventually, Joel gave up on sitting still. 

“Be downstairs,” he said gruffly to Tommy when the conversation with Quinn lulled for a moment. He didn’t wait for a response before going for the elevator, relieved that it as empty on the way down to the lobby as it had been on the way up. 

But the ground floor of the hotel was not the quiet place it had been when Joel had arrived. Instead, there was a press of people just outside the doors, phones up and loud enough that he could hear them through the glass. He frowned for a moment before he realized what it was, the metal of your bangles catching the light as your arm rose above the crowd, a phone clutched in your hand as you took a selfie. 

“Jesus,” Joel muttered, stalking over toward the door. 

At least, he thought, he wasn’t on duty until tomorrow. If you really wanted to handle shit that bad on your own? Fine by him. 

The doorman held the door for him and Joel gave him a stiff nod as he tried to force his way from the building, but the press of people was becoming suffocating, every inch of sidewalk crammed tight. 

“Can I get a selfie?” 

“My girlfriend loves you, can you say hi to her on video?” 

“Can I have an autograph?” 

“Look, I’m happy to give you all whatever you want,” you said, voice friendly but still curt. “But I need a little room to breathe, OK? I’m not in a rush, we’ve got time, it’s…” 

Someone from the outside edge of the crowd shoved forward, sending the press of people toward you, Joel tall enough that he could see how they tripped and jostled, sending you stumbling into the person at your back. You had to fight for the space to stand up again, the man you’d fallen into’s hand running up your side to your chest, cupping the underside of your breast as you tried to find a way to separate from him. If it wasn’t for the look on his face, Joel might have given him the benefit of the doubt. But his lecherous smile gave him away, and the thinly veiled look of disgust on your face told him you knew exactly what this man was trying. 

Something that hadn’t existed much since Joel lost everything took over. It was rage, blind and violent and coursing through him sharp and heady. That rage didn’t give him a chance to really think, but then, it never had. Not when he was a kid and his dad was on some bender, not when he was some hotheaded teenager looking to pick a fight with a bully at school, not when he was at a bar and saw someone who could have killed his daughter. It was no different now as he practically dove into the crowd, forcing the group apart and not caring if people got pushed into the street or shoved to the ground.

“Move!” Joel yelled, not that it seemed to do much beyond warn people that he was coming for them. He reached you in a matter of seconds, towering over the man who’d decided to take advantage of your vulnerable position to grope you. The man - more of a kid, likely some student at UT who didn’t know his ass from hole in the ground - gaped up at him, his eyes wide and his hand still on your breast. 

Joel took your arm and pulled you, roughly, away from his grip, tucking you behind him before refocusing on the kid in front of him. 

“You think that shit’s funny?” Joel asked, his hand curling into a fist. “Touchin’ a woman without permission?” 

“I was just…” he looked afraid and something inside Joel flared with pride at that. Look at what he could do, he thought, it looked like he was capable of something after all. 

“Know what you were just,” Joel cut him off, mockingly, before grabbing him by his shirt and slamming him back into a marble pillar. The kids head smacked against it with sickening crack. “Do that shit again and I’ll bust your jaw.” 

Joel released him and the kid slumped to the ground before he turned to find you, looking down at the kid with your mouth slightly open. 

“C’mon,” Joel said, throwing his arm around your shoulder and pulling you into him, ducking your head down low to ruin the picture for anyone who might be trying to take one. “Let’s go.” 

He looked around, the crowd thinner now but all watching him. 

“Move!” He roared again. This time, they listened, parting like the Red Sea as he ushered you quickly away, back into the hotel. He looked to the door man, trying not to glare at him too hard. “Those assholes don’t come inside, we clear?” 

“Yes sir,” the man said quickly.

Joel looked to you next. 

“Where’s your car?” 

“Valet,” you said, your forehead in your hand. “I didn’t get a chance to even grab it yet, someone must have tipped off some fucking gossip blog that I was here…” 

“Got the ticket?” Joel asked. You sighed and fished it out of your pocket and handed it over before Joel took it to the front desk and told them to have your car brought out back. He also got directions to the loading dock before going back to find you, in the same spot on the plush lobby couch, fingers laced together, elbows braced on your knees. 

“C’mon,” Joel said, making you jump before looking up at him. “They’re bringing your car around back, we’ll get you out of here without those fuckers knowin’.” 

You looked back down at the ground before giving a stiff nod. 

“Thanks.” You got up and took a deep breath, raising your chin, an almost serene look on your face before looking to him. “Lead the way.” 

He did as you asked, watching like a hawk for anyone who might be stupid enough to try to talk to you. But no one seemed to pay you any mind, even as the two of you cut through the dining room - closed between lunch and dinner service - and into the kitchen, where dozens of cooks were working to get set for the evening. They just ducked around the pair of you, sometimes giving Joel a dirty look for getting in their way, and then you were at the loading dock. 

“Here,” Joel said, jumping down from the edge of it to the alley still damp from rain from the night before. He held his hands out to you. “I’ll help you down.” 

“Thanks, but I’d rather do it myself,” you said. You were more cautious about it than Joel but you jumped down and landed lightly beside him, brushing your hands free of the dirt from the dock before crossing your arms tightly over your chest. Your jaw was tight, the only sign on your calm, uncommonly beautiful face that something might be wrong. Joel crossed his arms, too. 

“You OK?” He asked after a moment. 

You looked at him for a second, your brows raised ever so slightly. 

“Fine,” you said after a moment before staring straight ahead again. 

“You sure?” He asked. He wasn’t sure why he was pressing. He shouldn’t care. He didn’t care.

“Yes,” you said and then you laughed once, sharply. “I mean, no, I’m not but what the fuck am I going to do about it? It’s part of the job, isn’t it?” 

Joel ground his teeth. 

“Shouldn’t be.” 

“Regardless,” you shrugged, glancing at him again. “Thank you for your help. You didn’t have to do that and… Well, I appreciate it.” 

“Sure,” he said as your car came around the corner. You dropped your arms before turning to face him. 

“Looks like it’s you and me starting tomorrow,” you said. “I’m sure your boss will give you all the details but I don’t think I caught your name.” 

“Joel,” he said after a moment. “Miller.”

You smiled, a small, almost hesitant one, the slightest upturn of your lips. 

“Joel Miller,” you repeated back to him. “It’s nice to meet you, I’m…” 

“Don’t need to tell me your name,” he said. “Pretty sure everyone on Earth knows your name.” 

You laughed again in that same, humorless way as your car stopped beside you. 

“Yeah,” you said. “I suppose they do. See you tomorrow, Joel.” 

“See you tomorrow, ma’am.” 

He watched you pull cash out of your pocket and smile more broadly at valet who was damn near gawking at you. You discreetly handed him the money as you shook his hand and Joel stayed there in the alley until he couldn’t see your car any more. 

“Holy shit,” the valet said and Joel looked down at him. He had to be about 18 years old, still wet behind the ears. Probably had fucking posters of you up in his room that he jerked off to before he went to bed. He held up the cash. “She gave me 100 bucks!” 

Joel looked down at him, making sure to draw himself to his full height. 

“You gonna tell anyone we got her out this way?” He asked. The kid swallowed hard and shook his head. “Good.” 

Joel tried not to grind his teeth as he went back inside to find his brother. He wished it wasn’t too late to back out of this. You, he thought, were going to be far more than he’d bargained for. He just hoped he was ready for it.

***

“I’m not wearing this.” 

You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose. 

“Seriously dude?” You asked, incredulous. “Can’t you wait like… two days before picking a fight?” 

“Have you seen this fucking thing?” Ellie’s eyebrows disappeared into her bangs as she held up the hem of the blue plaid skirt that, you had to admit, looked sickeningly unnatural on your 14-year-old niece. “You could put a whole circus up this thing! And how am I supposed to kick someone’s ass in a fucking skirt?” 

“First of all, language,” you said. She rolled her eyes. You ignored her. “Second of all, you shouldn’t be kicking anybody’s ass. Why are you starting your day thinking about ass kicking? You haven’t even met these kids yet, I highly doubt you’ll need to kick someone’s ass your first day.” 

“I’d like to be able to kick someone’s ass if I need to,” she said, incredulous. “Come on. You know this is insane.” 

You sighed as the doorbell rang and you checked your watch. 7 a.m. on the nose. Well, at least the man was prompt. 

“Fine,” you sighed. “Run upstairs, put on something else…” 

Ellie took off as Esmo, your household assistant, appeared next to you, Joel by her side. 

“Morning,” he said, voice gruff. You looked him over quickly, a side arm at his belt on a pair of jeans that fit him entirely too well. You doubted they were tailored, either, they just fit him like that, the bastard. Just your luck that you’d get stuck with a bodyguard who was unnaturally good looking but also an asshole. “Thought we could get started with…”

“Sorry, that won’t work, things are a bit off the rails this morning,” you said to him quickly, not giving him a chance to respond before turning to Esmo.

“Do you still have the name of the uniform store?” You asked her. “If you do, can you see if they’re open? I think we’re going to need to stop for pants…” 

“Yes ma’am,” she said, quickly pulling out her phone. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think to get pants, the requirements were very clear…” 

“It’s not your fault,” you said quickly. Esmo had only been working for you for a few weeks and it felt like the two of you were still getting used to each other. She insisted on calling you ma’am. You insisted on doing too much for yourself. It was a delicate balance. “She’s just…” 

“OK,” Ellie came thundering down the stairs in the same sweater with a button down shirt and tie but jeans instead of the skirt. “Ready!” 

“Store opened at seven,” Esmo said, pocketing her phone. “I can take her and…” 

“I want to do it,” you cut her off, catching a glimpse of Joel’s shocked expression out of the corner of your eye as you looked back to your niece. “Alright trouble maker, ready to go?” 

“Fuck yeah.” 

“Girl,” you said. “Language, please!” 

She made a face but made her way to the front door, anyway, her thumbs looped through the straps of her book bag and you turned to Joel, still surprised at just how large he was, even after being against him the day before. 

“Assuming you’re along for the ride on this,” you said, jerking your head for the door. “But we gotta book it, with an extra stop we’re already not going to be early for her first day.” 

He still had a look of almost shock on his face but he followed behind you as you grabbed your keys and wristlet from the bowl by the door, Ellie bouncing impatiently from foot to foot. 

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were excited,” you teased as you made you way to the Porsche SUV you’d gotten specifically to haul Ellie around. “Almost like you want to go to school instead of hanging out with me all day.” 

“Spending time with old people does get… well, old,” she smirked, heading for the passenger seat but you stopped her. 

“Absolutely not, you’re in back,” you said, jerking a thumb toward Joel - who still hadn’t spoken. “This man has a good foot on you, we’re not making him sit back there.” 

“Ugh, fine,” she huffed but obeyed, throwing her book bag against the opposite door before clambering in as Joel went for the driver’s seat, holding out his hand for the keys. You gave him a look but he just raised his brow, his arm still extended expectantly. 

“Please,” you scoffed. “I’ll let you follow me around like some guard dog but I’m keeping some last vestige of my autonomy. I’m driving.” 

He narrowed his eyes. 

“No.” 

“And why not?” You asked. “Because you have control issues?”

“Do you know evasive driving tactics?” He asked. “How to watch for pursuers and safely out run them?” 

“No, but I did my own stunt driving for the Fast Track franchise,” you said wryly. “Think I’ll be fine. Now move, you’re making us late.” 

He ground his teeth. 

“We’re talkin’ about this,” he muttered before stalking off to the passenger side of the car. 

“Yeah I bet we are,” you said under your breath as you got in the car and programmed the GPS for the uniform store. 

“So,” Ellie said in a teasing tone as she leaned between the front seats as you started off. “Who are you?”

“Put on your seatbelt,” he said. 

She rolled her eyes but sat back and obeyed.

“This is Joel,” you answered for him. “He’s going to be around quite a bit.” 

“Is he like another assistant or some shit?” She asked. 

“Language,” you said and you caught a glimpse of her rolling her eyes in your rearview mirror. “And no, not an assistant.” 

“Ohhhh,” she smirked. “So he’s like a boyfriend then, got it…” 

Joel rolled his eyes. 

“I’m a bodyguard,” he said. “I’ll be protecting your…” 

“Bodyguard?” Ellie interrupted and leaned forward again, frowning. “Why do you need a bodyguard? You didn’t have one of those in LA, what the fuck?” 

“I have a bodyguard because you can’t go five minutes without saying fuck,” you said wryly. “My life is under constant threat because of…” 

“Please,” Ellie rolled her eyes. “You have a worse mouth than I do. But seriously, why do you need a bodyguard? Is something going on?” 

You saw Joel moving to talk but you spoke before he had a chance to. 

“This is just a different place than LA,” you said quickly. “People here aren’t used to people like me just showing up in grocery stores and stuff. It can get out of hand quick so the studio wanted me to have Joel around. It’s just a precaution.” 

She seemed skeptical but was satisfied enough by the bullshit explanation you’d just given her that she sat back, pulling a Savage Starlight comic book from her book bag and you smiled a little. A lot might have changed in the last few months but at least Ellie was still Ellie. 

You made it to the uniform store and told the woman inside - who was seemingly trying not to gape at you but was failing miserably - what you were looking for. She grabbed a few pairs of uniform pants in different sizes before leading Ellie to the fitting rooms and you hung back, waiting for her to change with Joel by your side. He stood facing you, eyes constantly sweeping the store as though this strip mall just outside Austin were a war zone. 

“No one told me you had a kid,” he said eventually. 

You smiled, sadly. 

“Yeah, well,” you said. “I have a kid. That’s a pretty new development, though.” 

That made him pause, his eyebrows drawing together as he looked to you. 

“I adopted her,” you said. “A few months ago. Her mom was a single parent and like a sister to me. When she got cancer, the first thing she asked me was to take Ellie if… I told her that she was nuts, that she’d be around forever and she wouldn’t need me to do anything for Ellie besides take her to Europe for a cool aunt vacation when she turned 18 but… well, now I have a kid.” 

“I…” His voice trailed off. “Shit. I’m sorry.”  

You shrugged. 

“It is what it is, I guess,” you said. “She’s why I’m here. Things in LA… I’ve always been in her life. I was the second person to ever hold her. But I’ve always kept the paparazzi far away from her, I’ve made sure she has privacy and that she was as sheltered from that part of my life as she could be. I want to settle into this with some version of normal, one that isn’t possible when I’m in LA. And you, Joel, are throwing quite a wrench into that.” 

“Oh this is so much better,” Ellie threw the door to the changing room open with a flourish, in a pair of blue pants that perfectly matched the blue of the sweater. “Not as good as jeans but better than that stupid freaking skirt.” 

“Alright,” you said. “We’ll take five of those and then we have to get you to school because there’s no point in loading you up on uniforms just to have you miss your first day, let’s go.” 

You weren’t as early as you wanted to be - you’d been hoping to have a chance to meet Ellie’s teachers before the day started but that plan was shot - but at least kids were still arriving. You grabbed a baseball cap from your glove box, Joel stiffening as you reached between his legs to open it and you resisted the urge to smirk at that. As though you’d be trying to come onto him at all let alone with your niece in the car. 

Hat on so you were somewhat disguised, you walked with Ellie and Joel to the front of the stone building, one that had clearly taken inspiration from the ivy league schools the kids who went here were all but destined to attend. A gray haired woman in a charcoal pantsuit rushed out to greet you, an almost stern look on her face. 

“Welcome to Austin Preparatory Academy,” she extended her hand. “I’m Amanda Stark, headmistress here.” 

“Good to meet you,” you said, taking her hand, feeling Joel standing oddly close to your back. “This is Ellie, she’s looking forward to starting here today and…” 

“We’re looking forward to having her,” she smiled a little at Ellie before redirecting her attention to you. “But I’m afraid there’s been some… ah… miscommunication about the uniform. Girls are required to wear skirts. I’m sure we have…” 

“No miscommunication,” you smiled a little, steeling your spine. From the moment you’d caved to Ellie, you knew this was coming. But you’d been prepared to fight far bigger battles over this kid, this wasn’t going to be any different. “Ellie just prefers to wear pants. It wasn’t a problem at her last school, I’m sure it won’t be a problem here.” 

Ellie stuck her chin out, smirking a little and defiant as ever and you resisted the urge to elbow her. She could at least act like she wasn’t going to get her way. 

“But it is,” the headmistress said. “The uniform code here has been this way for decades and…” 

“And I’m sure you’re not suggesting that just because something has been done one way that it should continue to be done that way at the expense of students’ comfort and learning experience,” you finished for her, smiling tightly.

“We have expectations for our students,” she said, her jaw clenched. “Just like they will have one day to be successful in life, and…” 

“And you’re wearing pants,” you nodded to her suit. “And so am I. Of course, if you’re suggesting that neither of us is successful then…” 

“No, no of course not, that’s not…” 

“Wonderful!” You said brightly. “I’m glad that’s settled. I’m sure Ellie won’t cause any disruption wearing the uniform pants and now I won’t need to spend my day contacting every major news network here in Austin and asking them to come here and chat with me about your archaic gender rules and expectations. Sound good?” 

You watched her grind her teeth for a moment. 

“Of course,” she said after a moment of silence hanging in the air. “But we are close to the start of the school day and…” 

“Yes, I don’t want to be a distraction,” you smiled before turning to Ellie, tucking a hair that had already broken free of her ponytail behind her ear. “Alright kid, behave yourself, OK?” 

“Yes Sissy,” she rolled her eyes. Your heart still tightened a little when she called you that. She sounded so much like her mother, Anna. You loved that Ellie called you the same thing her mother had but still, it stung.

“I’ll be back to pick you up,” you said, putting your hands on her shoulders. “Have a good first day, OK?” 

“Oh I will,” she said and you watched her head into the building with the headmistress at her side until you couldn’t see her anymore. 

“OK, she’s dropped,” Joel said, his voice tight. “Let’s move, this place isn’t secured.” 

“Well that sure seems like a gap in security, doesn’t it?” You said, brows raised. 

“One I would have fixed if anyone had bothered to tell me you had a damn kid,” he practically growled. 

“Probably a bad idea for your boss to not have insisted on bringing me into the conversation then, wasn’t it?” 

He looked at you, his face hard. 

“Keys.” He held out his hand.

You laughed once. 

“Keys?” You said. “Really? Just ‘keys,’” you grunted it like he did, “that’s it?”

“Your kid is inside,” he said, hand still out. “Don’t have her to use an excuse now so, keys.” 

You looked at him for a moment, the firm set of his jaw, the flecks of gray just starting in at his temples. He was a good looking man, tall and broad with a rugged look to him. He’d make a good cowboy in a western, you thought, or maybe a hardened detective. But protecting someone like you seemed out of place for him. Beneath him a little, almost like he was a sell out.

“No,” you said simply, ducking around him and heading for the car. 

He followed closely behind you, even his footfalls gruff and angry. You sped up a little but he stepped in front of you, anyway, his oddly large body blocking your door. He opened his mouth - probably to try to order you around again - but you cut him off before he had the chance. 

“I’m not letting you drive,” you said. “It doesn’t matter what you do or what you say. If you want to drive, you’re going to have to pick me up and move me so, if you want to get out of here quickly and without causing a scene, you’ll get in the passenger seat and we can go.” 

For half a moment, you thought he might actually throw you over his shoulder. Instead, he just grunted and stalked around to the other side of the car, ripping the door open roughly. You pressed your lips together, trying not to laugh. All this pretense over some stupid letters from some over zealous fan. 

You got in the car and dropped the keys in Joel’s lap. He frowned, picking them up. 

“You want to have the keys so bad? Fine.” You pushed the button and the car roared to life. “I’ve got them right where I want them.” 

“You gotta come to terms with how this shit is going to work,” he said sharply. “You can’t just do whatever the hell it is you feel like. I get that you’re some spoiled fuckin’ actress who only ever does exactly what she wants whenever she wants but I got news for you, I don’t give a shit how many movies you’ve been in or awards you’ve won. I care about keeping your ass alive and to do that, you gotta listen to me. I ain’t one of those fuckin’ ass kissers you spend all your time with so we can do this the hard way or the easy way but either way, it’s gonna be my fuckin’ way. Understood?” 

You watched him for a moment, your tongue between your teeth to keep from snapping at him. It was something you were used to, something you’d been doing since you were a girl, always shutting up while the people who were more powerful than you - people you’d made fucking rich - made every decision for you. 

That was one thing on set and in your career and even for posed fucking paparazzi shots but not in your real life. 

“I need coffee,” you said, putting the car in drive. “Coffee?” 

“I’m sure you got people who can do that for you,” he said, his jaw clenched. 

“Yes, but where’s the fun in that?” You smirked before nodding down to his wrist. “Oh, also? Your watch is broken.” 

You pressed the gas harder than you should have, the car jumping sharply forward, wondering just how far you could push your new shadow before he backed out.

Next Chapter

A/N: OK I'm already in love with writing how these two push each other's buttons. Annoying Joel Miller is my passion, I can't wait to drive this man absolutely insane over the arc of this fic.

Thank you so much for being patient as I wrapped up Yearling and went on vacation! I'm hoping to update this once a week going forward so you won't need to wait quite so long between chapters from here on out. I hope you enjoyed getting to know these two a little better!

Taglist: @christinamadsen @eff4freddie @brittmb115 @copperhalfcent @r3dheadedwitch @pedropascalsbbg @lovelyjess69 @yopossum @moel-jiller @picketniffler

[allsadnshit]

How did you meet your husband? And what was your story like?

I met my husband on tumblr when we were both like 17-18 but actually started dating when we were 24

We were mutuals for many years, just casually friends from different cities with no plans of ever hanging out but would chat sometimes, support each other's art, and recommend music/books

I had mutual friends with him irl because lots of people from my arts high school in Pittsburgh ended up in Philly at Tyler which shared a campus with his school which was funny but we still were really only internet friends till 2020 when during the first lockdown I had been through a break up earlier that year and had spent a lot of time alone and sort of thinking more deeply and uninterrupted than I ever had about romance and love because I was unhappy where I was at. I was also really sick at the time and had been getting more sick for the last 4-5 years without finding the reason why so it was just generally a very life changing moment of needing to soul search on a lot of levels to cope with what was happening.

My long time best friend ended up asking me "If you could date anyone, not just who you know or who's around, who would you ask out?" and I had never thought about it like that because I was very much a creature of comfort and usually dated co workers or friends within my social circles out of availability - but I answered right away with my husband which felt funny because I had not ever actually considered him a "crush" up until that point but I realized he was in my eyes, the coolest person I knew.

So I dm'd him on instagram (which he very rarely used) and said something flirty for the first time like "hey nice birkenstocks, maybe we can wear them together on a lavender farm sometime" not knowing if that would be weird since I had never been suggestive towards him before then but to my surprise he reciprocated hard and fast like no hesitation! We realized it had never occurred to either of us to consider something long distance but that we were both very attracted to each other and the timing just lined up well!

We started texting every day for about a month and I also moved into a new short term lease, and within that month of talking he bought his first car so he could come and meet me. He drove in on a friday after work and didn't get to my house till like 1am, but we just had a really intense emotional/spiritual connecting right away and I think both of realized it was serious very fast. I was actually so nervous that I got constipated to the point he had to drive me to the ER on his last night visiting. I told all the nurses I had just met my true love.

After he had to go back to Philly, he drove back up a month later to stay for a whole week, during which we decided he'd come move in with me for the rest of my 6 month lease and then I'd come move to Philly to be with him. I also realized that for all this to happen, I needed to take a risk and find out what was really going on with me medically, so I also got a diagnostic surgery where they found endometriosis. It was a really hard recovery that he was there for me for, and when I was healed up enough and my lease ended he drove us back to Philly. We got married in 2021 about a year later.

He is the treasure of my life <3

[tls12lessthan3]

So. orvs metatextual nature and gay jokes. orv is an action fantasy book, a genre designed primarily for men and starring men. now most of these books are not gay, but there is often a tendency by audiences (particularly female audiences) to see some level of romantic tension between male characters. orv is no exception to this. some authors respond with outright hostility when they see fans shipping their male characters, and some simply ignore it completely - but some go the route sing shong does, and play it for laughs. before i go any further, i would like to clarify a term i will be using - shippers. while this literally refers to readers who think there is romantic potential between two characters, i will be using to specifically refer to instances where those two characters are of the same gender. im doing this because i cant think of a more elegant word to be completely honest, and this is tumblr meta so who cares.

orv is a metatexual narrative which is aware of its genre and aware of its readers. those readers are represented in the narrative, and sing shong knowing that fans would see a possible relationship between kim dokja and yoo joonghyuk made sure to represent that too. so we get uriel, the fujoshi angel who is constantly reading into kim dokjas and yoo joonghyuks relationship in a way that is often played for laughs. now ive certainly seen worse depictions of ‘shippers’. uriel is treated with affection by the main characters, who genuinely like her (and the fans she represents by association). her love for joongdok is implied to come from her having a crush on her friend and projecting, which i see as a kinder depiction than the usual ‘slavering fujo’ trope. 

and perhaps most importantly her engagement with the story seen as just as deep as any other reader if not more so! uriel is one of the characters we see most changed by kim dokjas story - in every other universe shes a fierce and furious warrior, and while she never hesitates to kick ass in this round either, kim dokjas story has given her a solace that has made her significantly softer. she helps him out sooner than any other constellation, saving his ass in many ways during the demon world arc, demonstrating a deep investment we are clearly meant to be grateful for. wherever it comes from, uriels engagement with kim dokja’s story is shown to be a genuine and deep one appreciated by the characters. through this sing shong is almost directly speaking to the shippers in the fanbase who are often mocked or disregarded, saying that their love for the story is important too, wherever it comes from. i see this as sweet, and i like that unlike so many other authors sing shong recognise the role shippers often have in a story’s success.

however, i hesitate to give sing shong too much credit. because along with the genuine appreciation of uriel as a character and all she represents, there are jokes mocking her and those like her, and there are a lot of them! like i said above, sing shong wrote orv as a metatextual narrative that engages not just with the genre but with the genre’s fans. sing shong knew that people would ship their characters, as that is what happens with books like orv. and so they wrote in many jokes about it, jokes based around the ‘silliness’ of those who would assume kim dokja and yoo joonghyuk have romantic feelings for each other. and given orv’s metatexual nature, this also mocks the nature of shipping itself. when someone assumes kim dokja and yoo joonghyuk are together and they react with disgust, as frequently occurs in the earlier parts of the novel, we are meant to laugh not just at the misunderstanding - really, these guys gay, how silly. but we are also meant to laugh at the idea that these Protagonists are homosexuals, and at the people who make those assumptions. its a simultaneous acknowledgement and mocking of the queer undertones of both this story and it’s genre.

so you get this overall impression of a narrative that ultimately loves all of it’s readers, including shippers, but also isn’t afraid to say it thinks all that gay stuff is kinda silly. and while ebook edits have largely removed many of these gay jokes, an undercurrent of this still remains. from what i know this largely reflects sing shongs actual opinions at time of writing, whether or not they have changed later on. 

dont get me wrong, i love orv, i love joongdok, i love their relationship and i do read it as romantic. i too read the scene where lee gilyoung insists kim dokja is into men and kim dokja responds aghast and gone ‘haha, gay’. as a queer person in the webnovel scene i am no stranger to taking homophobic moments like that and reclaiming them, making the characters queer and pretending the author is laughing with me and not at me. im not trying to preach to anyone here. but i also think its important to acknowledge the conversation orv is having here - its valuing of shippers and its mocking of queerness, and where they overlap.

[marvelous-llama]

Tomorrow x Together recs

most of the mentioned works is 18+ NSFW, MINORS DNI

tumblr is based on reblogs not likes, so please reblog and comment under works you like. Show love to the authors and appreciate their hard work

<<next chapters

pls don´t hesitate to hmu, if any of mentioned links doesn´t work or you have suggestions for more fics... thank you so much for all the love and comments

OT5

Seven Deadly Sins by @thetxtdevil

TXT´s Anatomy by @thetxtdevil

one shots

Don´t Move, Honey by @lovelyhyuka14

Yeonjun x fem!reader (wc - 5k) university AU, opposites attract, strangers to lovers - fluff, smut yeonjun is a well known, attractive, and respected. you two are total opposites. the last thing that you would expect is for him to take interest in you. first meeting you at a coffee shop, he becomes a regular. constantly coming back to visit, but not just for the iced americanos.

don´t ignore me by @f4irys4n

Yeonjun x gn!reader (wc - 2.2k) friends / academic rivals to lovers - angst(ish), fluff

just a little tipsy! by @aakomii

Yeonjun x gn!reader (wc - 0.7k) established relationship - fluff, crack Taehyun calling you to pick up your wasted boyfriend after their videoshoot with Suga

cliché by @heart2beom

Yeonjun x fem!reader (wc - 4k) best friends to lovers - fluff, crack, angst(ish) after yeonjun hears you referring to him as someone who's like a brother ...he tries his hardest to make you see him as a potential boyfriend.

mr. vice president by @minastras

Yeonjun x gn!reader (wc - 7.3k) rivals to lovers, high school AU - angst, fluff Choi Yeonjun was an ace, and everyone knew it. He was a star athlete, top student, creative genius, school vice-president, and prom royalty. The only person who even came close to his level was you.

calling all my lovelies by @moonhoures

Yeonjun x fem!reader (wc - 15.2k) fwb to lovers - fluff, angst, smut you thought you were okay with your fwb relationship with yeonjun, but you soon realize that isn’t the case. thinking nothing will change between the two of you, you find solace in your new coworker, heeseung. your relationship with heeseung stirs up some conflicting feelings in yeonjun, and he realizes that maybe you’re more than friends after all

series

I said "why won´t you forget?", you never wanna talk about it by @hh0320

Yeonjun x fem!reader x Beomgyu (wc - 2.7k + 3.8k) strangers to lovers, runaways AU - angst, fluff, smut, hurt/comfort, mature themes

one shots

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘓𝘪𝘱𝘴 𝘛𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘔𝘪𝘯𝘦 by @lovelyhyuka14

Soobin x fem!reader (wc - 4.2k) acquaintances to lovers, university AU, takes place after English Love Affair - bit angsty, fluff, smut You find Soobin alone at a cafe after he's been stood up. You can't help but comfort him, leaving you both crushing on each other after. Days later you ask him to study with you, but how much studying did you two actually end up doing?

luv buzz by @toruro

Soobin x fem!reader (wc - 1.5k) established relationship - fluff, smut you and soobin just want to have a relaxing night ... what better way to go about your plans than with a joint and your couch?

clever girl by @txt-trash

Soobin x fem!reader (wc - 13.8k) academic rivals to lovers, university AU - fluff, smut, angst(ish) you’ve only ever viewed choi soobin as your rival in school. he was cute and sweet at times but for the most part he usually acted cold toward you—or at least tried to. out of nowhere you hear about his grades dropping and in an effort to save your only motivation to push yourself harder, you accept his persistent offer to tutor him. you quickly learn he had an ulterior motive to always get you to spend time with him and despite how mean you think you might be, Soobin loved it.

9:26pm by @silvergyus

Soobin x fem!reader (wc - 2.5k) established relationship, husband!Soobin, parents!Soobin & reader - fluff, romance, smut all the teachers at your kids' school have a crush on soobin- but you're the lucky wife that he comes home to

series

one shots

soft by @idyllic-ghost

Beomgyu x fem!reader (wc - 1.8k) established relationship - fluff, smut waking up next to you always felt like a blessing to beomgyu, especially when he can show just how much he appreciates you

dawn by @beomie3

Beomgyu x fem!reader (wc - 2.9k) established relationship - fluff, smut

Take It! by @koqabear

Beomgyu x fem!reader x Taehyun (wc - 22k) university AU - angst, fluff, smut Choi Beomgyu was rich, spoiled, and couldn’t take no for an answer. Kang Taehyun, however, was the exact opposite. So, what’s one to do when both take an interest in you? It seems like you’ve become the new subject of their rivalry, and neither will accept a loss. 

series

𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘛𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘕𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘔𝘦, 𝘔𝘺 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘉𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘛𝘰 𝘙𝘢𝘤𝘦 & English Love Affair by @lovelyhyuka14

Beomgyu x fem!reader (wc - 4.1k + 5.8k) enemies to lovers, university AU - angst, smut, fluff, hurt/comfort You and Beomgyu never got along, if anything, you would call each other your number-one arch-nemesis. You two were known for being rivals, your reputations preceding the both of you regardless of how large your University is. One faithful day you're paired for a lab in your Intro to Chemistry class. Out of nowhere, Beomgyu’s relentless bickering has turned into flirting. You wonder why he’s acting this way all of a sudden, always gravitating toward you.  It’s as if he’s being controlled by a Voodoo Doll. 

run by @loveliestfelix

Beomgyu x fem!reader (wc - 3.9k + 9.6k) best friends to strangers - angst, fluff your best friend uses you to get over his ex-girlfriend whenever she breaks up with him. this time, though, you’ve had enough part 1, part 2

I said "why won´t you forget?", you never wanna talk about it by @hh0320

Yeonjun x fem!reader x Beomgyu (wc - 2.7k + 3.8k) strangers to lovers, runaways AU - angst, fluff, smut, hurt/comfort, mature themes

one shots

Lust For Life by @beom-pyu

Taehyun x fem!reader (wc - 8.1k) friends to lovers, one-sided crush - angst, fluff, smut "in these stolen moments, the world is mine. there's nobody here—just us together. keepin' me hot like july forever."

honeymoon avenue by @hyuk4ngel

Taehyun x fem!reader (wc - 2.3k) established relationship - angst

coward by @loveliestfelix

Taehyun x gn!reader (wc - 2.6k) friends to lovers, miscommunication - angst, fluff

Take It! by @koqabear

Taehyun x fem!reader x Beomgyu (wc - 22k) university AU - angst, fluff, smut Choi Beomgyu was rich, spoiled, and couldn’t take no for an answer. Kang Taehyun, however, was the exact opposite. So, what’s one to do when both take an interest in you? It seems like you’ve become the new subject of their rivalry, and neither will accept a loss. 

lust for life by @beom-pyu

Taehyun x fem!reader (wc - 8.1k) friends to lovers, one-sided pining, university AU - angst, fluff, smut

series

one shots

series

growing pains by @minastras

Kai x gn!reader fake dating, high school AU - fluff, angst

[blue-banana-the-first]

Annabeth Determined The Outcome of the Prophecy in the Last Olympian

I'll insert the prophecy real quick so I can talk about it,

"A Halfblood Of the eldest gods shall reach sixteen against all odds, and see the world in endless sleep. The hero's soul cursed blade shall reap. a single choice shall end his days, Olympus to preserve or raze"

ok, now that we're caught up on that let's talk;

the first two lines are pretty simple and straight forwards in a way, it doesn't mention who the halfblood is as it takes account that it would depend on who survives and so on (the only thing consistent with the timeline that Rick did was make sure Jason and Hazel were both younger than Percy in HOO)

The third line also goes with Percy so far, so no need to talk more about it.

the fourth to sixth line though are different stories,

it mentions that a hero will die but never mentions who right? i wanna talk about it , in the second book we know Percy claims the prophecy for himself, and that's what's usually talked about, but i wanna focus on Annabeth.

In that same book Chiron makes Annabeth swear on the river Styx to protect Percy, we know that anything related to the Styx is also directly related to the fates.

trust the process please cause I promise this is kinda going somewhere.

in the battle of the labyrinth Pan tells Annabeth that she has an important role, just not in the way she thinks.

then in the fifth book Percy dips into the Styx, gets the Achilles heel, imagining Annabeth, which is romantic but also correlates with Annabeth swearing on that same river to protect him as if a subconscious part of her was also protecting him so he can survive the river, like the river was just using her promise to protect him.

the fates were really pulling all the romantic strings to save Olympus

kinda ironic cause they gave out this prophecy in the first place

In the Last Olympian, two cursed blades attack Luke and Percy, the Scythe for Percy and the Dagger Luke gave Annabeth which is cursed with a broken promise and all that angsty poetic stuff.

Guess who makes the decision tho?

Annabeth, she decided who the hero is

she took that knife for Percy, because she felt like he was in danger, we talk about that being because she's his mortal tether, but i also think it has to do with her swearing on the river to protect him.

River Styx was their main shipper and I will die on that hill.

Annabeth saved Percy due to her promise, and let Luke die with his broken one (somewhat of a deep quote right?), Annabeth's role has been to decide who the hero is and I can't get over that.

The single choice she made to save Percy or not was the deciding factor in this war.

Either Luke or Percy was going to die by a cursed blade, you can also say that in a way Chiron also had a hand in it, making her swear on the river.

but it just blew my mind, Percy's existence brought the world to its near end while hers saved it

ofcourse that is not 100% accurate but for the sake of it sounding tumblr level poetic it is

idk if you all already made this conclusion a while ago and i'm just slow, but even if i just think that this series was just so beautifully tied together, and Annabeth is so valid for this, emotional, nerdy, literal puppy (not all puppies are overly enthusiastic creatures ) with so much live to give, saved the world with the power of love ( and a childhood crush)

She literally deserves so much, i also wanna talk about Aphrodite in a future post

[raccoonfallsharder]

I’m really excited for your “drink some goddamn water” chapter because water has all of the sudden become too boring for me to drink. I’ve been drinking everything except water because it just isn’t stimulating enough. My anti-depressants sure are anti-ing my depression, but it makes my adhd way worse.

✩࿐࿔ drink some goddamn water [new 12/10]

smut-free| no use of y/n | gn reader | drabbles | word count: 1,209.

✩࿐࿔ take what you need.

࿔ eat somethin. at least grab a frickin’ snack. (wc: 576) ࿔ go to frickin bed already. (wc: 737) ࿔ get outta bed & get your shit done. & stop doomscrolling (wc: 925) ࿔ take a damn bath. (wc: 1,375) ࿔ leave your frickin skin alone. (wc: 1,579) ࿔ take a fuckin study break. (wc: 1,020) ࿔ drink some goddamn water. (wc: 1,209) ࿔ stop destroying your frickin clothes. [est 12/19] ࿔ just buy the damn thing already. ࿔ did you take your meds today?

how much water you should drink depends on your body mass, activity level, and the amount of hydration you get through other foods and beverages - but you almost certainly need more than you're drinking. this is your sign to go hydrate, babe.

this is about as wholesome as it gets (for me) i think. can be read platonically or romantically. mcu-based, meant to take place post-volume 3, but headcanon however you want ♡

“You all right, kid?” Goddammit. The Captain’s caught you squeezing the spot between your brows, eyelids crushed closed and forehead creased. “I’m fine, thanks,” you say quickly, with a pale attempt at a nonchalant smile. His nose twitches and he eyes you consideringly, leaning against the wall. “Busy day?” It has been. Trying to balance maintaining some semblance of a life you can go back to on Terra – just in case – with your admittedly-far-more-enjoyable Knowhere responsibilities always feels like the equivalent of at least two full-time-jobs. Plus, regular life-stuff doesn’t stop either. There’s still laundry to do and an apartment to keep clean. “So busy,” you deadpan. Rocket is being awfully empathetic right now – which usually means he has an agenda. “Did you need something?” He raises a brow. “What, I can’t just check in on my favorite local Terran?” You snort. “It’s a well-documented fact that I am currently the only local Terran, dude.” He shrugs. “All the more reason to check in. You’re practic’ly frickin’ endangered out here.” “Well, thanks for your care and concern,” you say dryly. “I’m fine.” “Really?” His second brow joins the first and his tail flicks – annoyed, or entertained. You can’t tell for sure. “‘Cause you look like you got a headache.” You sigh and flick off your datapad, then slide away from the empty bar. “I just need to get some more caffeine,” you tell him tiredly. “Uh-uh,” he says cynically. “I don’t think so. Sit down. I’ll make you a drink.”

read more on ao3

if you find any of these at all helpful, they're meant for you.

feel free to ✩ request reminders ✩ via reblogs, asks, and tumblr or ao3 comments if they would be helpful for you. it may take me a hot minute to get to them depending on life n stuff, but i will do my best

if you’d like to join my fanfiction taglist, please comment or send me a message or ask! ♡

@suicidalshitstick ✩ @glow-autumz ✩ @evolvingchaoswitch ✩ @wren-phoenix ✩ @pretty-chips (total word count: 7,412)

[clefaiiiry]

i love every part of you

hello yosante shippers i am but a mortal making a humble offering. mind the tags.

Read on AO3

Read on Tumblr - Under Read More

-~*~-

Yone can’t sleep.

That in of itself is not abnormal, there was a reason Sett joked her blood was ninety percent caffeine at this point, but usually once she was actually in bed it wouldn’t take that long to drift off. Especially with K’Sante’s warm body against hers.

When she finally gets sick of staring at the red LED glare of the alarm clock, she carefully, very carefully, shuffles out from under the covers, and makes her way to the en suite without a sound.

The sudden light makes her flinch, taking a second to adjust. Her toes are cold against the tile as she splashes her face in the sink and sighs. Yone meets her own gaze in the mirror and is struck by how exhausted she looks. She almost looks sickly, eyes dark and skin pasty. Alune had done her makeup earlier and some stubborn mascara still clung to her lashes. Her hair is greasy, several days overdue for a wash, the dirt under her nails becoming rather dire. But there’s more to it than that.

She’s much too tall, her cheekbones are too angular, shoulders are too wide. She frankly looks ridiculous in these pyjamas. They’d been a gift from Ezreal shortly after making the announcement to her bandmates. Kayn said they made her look like a granny, but Ezreal had been so damn pleased with himself that she couldn’t possibly decline.

She wonders if her bandmates- friends had ever been just as awkward as she feels. She didn’t even know about Aphelios until she overheard Sett lecturing him for wearing his binder for too long. He seems so casual about the whole thing, something that feels so unnatural for her.

Yone turns the light off before she can stare at herself any longer.

Her side of the bed is cold when she returns, shuffling closer to press herself against K’Sante’s back. If it were anyone else she probably would have gotten away with it, but he’d had always been a light sleeper. He mumbles, tilting his head back.

“Yone?”

“Shush, go back to sleep,” she murmurs against him.

But her voice wavers, tensing as he rolls over to face her.

K’Sante’s arms curl around her, pulling her against his chest. “Are you alright?” he asks, still muddied and thick.

“I’m fine, sorry to wake you,” she says, managing to remain level till the very end this time. Even so, it isn’t enough to convince him, he knows her well enough by now.

“Talk to me?” A question, quiet and not even expecting an answer.

“It’s foolish, really.”

“Hey, it isn’t if it has you so worked up.”

Yone exhales deeply, and looks him in the eye. Even in the dark, she can see the way his brows furrow, the set of his jaw. There’s a tension in her chest, one that just keeps building even with his soft touches.

“I don’t know-” Her breath hitches. “-how you can stand the sight of me.”

For a brief moment, she swears she sees his heart shatter. K’Sante crushes her against him, pressing a kiss to her head. “Oh, no Yone.”

His voice is enough to utterly decimate her defences and wheezes out a sob, tears escaping despite her best efforts. She buries her face into his warm, firm chest, clinging to his back as though he might vanish. K’Sante strokes her hair, still presses kisses to her head.

“You’ve always been the most beautiful person I know,” he says, wholehearted and sweet.

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” she chuckles, but the sound is choked and awkward in her throat.

K’Sante’s laugh is certainly her favourite sound. “It’s done me well so far.”

The quiet between them is comfortable, only disturbed by the distant sound of Kayn and Ezreal squabbling in the living room. They’re muffled enough that she can’t quite hear whatever they’re arguing about, but it’s probably something stupid. Why on earth are they up at such an hour anyway? Yone supposes she shouldn’t judge.

She prods at K’Sante’s chest until he lets her pull away and sit up. Her face feels puffy, her eyes are sore. “I’m such a mess,” she says, raspy.

K’Sante smiles as he rocks up beside her. “Aren’t we all?”

That eases some of the tension from her shoulders and she flops into his side with a deep, low sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise.”

“You’re much too good to me.”

That gives him pause for a moment, but he swiftly recovers. “You deserve the world, and my only regret is I can’t give it to you.”

Yone stares at him, mouth slightly agape. She looks away. “You’ll make me cry again.”

“I mean it.”

K’Sante takes her hands in his. She’s not small by any means, something that nags at her heels everyday, but it’s a comfort to see the difference in size between them so blatantly on display. She meets his eyes again and sees they’re shining.

“You’re allowed to love every part of me, why can’t I love every part of you?”

Oh.

Yone surges forward and kisses him, melting into him with a weak, desperate sound. K’Sante meets her, tilting his head for a better angle, sighing against her lips. It’s a messy thing, but she treasures it all the same. He cups her jaw in both hands and kisses her, slow and deep. She’s held with nothing less than pure reverence, as though she were a holy relic. It makes her dizzy, drawing out an embarrassing little whine.

When they pull back, a string of spit lingers between their lips until she swipes it away.

“Can I touch you?” he asks, breathless.

She hesitates for a moment too long and he almost pulls away, but she takes his hand again. “Okay, but- can you leave the lights off, please?”

K’Sante’s eyes are so sincere, she feels her heart ready to burst. “Of course.”

He does go slow, much slower than he ever has. It reminds her of their first night together, like he was terrified she might break. He shifts, adjusting their position so she’s below him, pressing a knee between her legs. She shudders at the sensation, rolling her hips against him

One hand ghosts down her jaw, trailing her throat, even lower until it finds her pyjama shirt. He plays with the fabric for a brief respite until she closes her hand around his.

“You can take them off,” she says before he can ask. K’Sante obliges, pressing another kiss to her chin as he works. K’Sante only sleeps in his briefs so they’re easily dealt with, and tossed with her pyjamas into the corner to be recovered in the morning.

Yone can’t bring herself to look down at her flat chest, even when K’Sante eases his hands over her breasts with an appreciative hum. He ducks his head, peppering kisses along her collarbone, up the curve of her throat. She stifles a giggle as his beard tickles her sensitive skin and she feels him smile against her neck.

“You’re so amazing, you know that? You always work so hard, I don’t know how you do it.”

A flush spreads over her cheeks and down her chest, splotchy and uneven. He travels further south, fingertips skittering along her soft stomach. He takes her thighs and, gradually so she can pull away if she needs to, pulls them apart. He lets out a hiss as he stares down her.

“I don’t know which god I’ve impressed to share a bed with you.”

Yone tosses herself back on the bed, twisting her face to hide it in the pillow. “K’Sante-”

“I know, I’ll stop teasing,” he laughs.

He dips further still, disappearing between her legs. His fingers dance over her inner thighs, almost dainty as they go. She’s open like this, exposed for him to lick and kiss however he pleases until she turns to putty with his efforts. Despite herself, she looks down and sees the crafty little glint in his eyes.

“What are you-”

Yone’s words taper off into a high whine as K’Sante presses his tongue flat against her, dragging upward with pure intent and zero urgency. He stops just below her balls, presses a kiss to her taint, and then returns to her entrance. Each swipe is firm and deliberately slow. She’s soon panting, legs quaking as she can’t decide whether to spread them further or to wrap them around his head.

She jerks her hips up against his mouth, but K’Sante only chuckles, his warm breath making her shudder. He pushes Yone back down to the bed and earns a loud, pleading sound.

“K’Sante, you said you’d stop teasing,” she grits out.

K’Sante is a man with his self preservation instinct intact, so he correctly pulls away. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist,” he says as he leans over to retrieve a little bottle from the bedside drawer. Yone can’t help herself but to watch his cock as he moves, almost overcome with the very potent need to choke on it right that second. Almost; she’s still tired and really, really wants him inside her.

He squeezes out an excessive helping of lube into his hand and slicks up his fingers, methodical and meticulous, then he moves down once more.

Even now, with her husband carefully circling a finger at her rim, all she can think about how he’s used too much lube, it’ll make a mess of the sheets-

Yone closes her eyes as K’Sante slides one in. He stokes down her thigh with his free hand, waiting until she finally exhales before he eases the finger deeper.

“You’re so wet,” he says in awe, as if it isn’t his fault she’s so soaked.

It’s silly, but it helps in its own odd way.

The sound of his finger slipping in and out is so filthy it hauls a sound from the pit of her stomach, wet and so utterly needy. She clamps a hand over her mouth in shame.

“You always make such pretty noises,” K’Sante hums. Yone scowls.

“S-Shut up,” she grumbles, but it admittedly isn’t quite so threatening when he’d reduced her to such a state.

He shoots her a wink, lips moving up to press a kiss against her cock. It punches another filthy sound from her gut. As he pushes another finger in, he teases the underside, light and barely there but it’s still enough to make her squirm.

Yone arches against him, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. He says something, mumbled against her skin so she doesn’t quite catch the words. Before she can clarify, he pushes in a third and she is convinced she’s going to melt.

“K’Sante, put it in, now.”

His expression betrays his hesitation, but he withdraws his fingers regardless. Yone slumps back to catch her breath as he flicks open the bottle again, using even more than previous to prep if the sounds are anything to go by. She peers up at him through her lashes, lips hanging open as she watches the head of his perfect cock disappear under the foreskin with every firm stroke. K’Sante sighs, his resolve shaking and betraying just how desperate he was under his self control.

He pulls her up into his lap, cock snug against the curve of her ass, red hot and soaked. She sighs at the sensation, hooking her arms loosely around his shoulders and gazing at his handsome face in the dark.

“I love you,” she whispers, as though it was a secret from the universe itself.

K’Sante holds her face, stroking her cheekbone, wiping the tear track with nothing less than complete devotion. “I love you too.”

His gaze sweeps downward, leaning back to take her all in. It takes so much to follow his eyes, peeking down at her flat breasts and the cock that sits between their stomachs. She tries to cover herself but K’Sante catches her wrists. There’s no force behind it, she could easily push away.

“You’re beautiful,” he says.

And God, his eyes are so genuine, creased with warmth, Yone almost believes him. She pulls him closer, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. “K’Sante, please- I’m-”

“I know, I’ve got you. I’ll go slow, alright?”

Yone doesn’t trust her voice, so she only nods.

K’Sante lifts her, just far enough for the head of his cock to press against her entrance. The slick sound should be humiliating, but it only drives her further to the edge. Each inch is as agonisingly slow as the last and tempts her with the reckless desire to slam down in one go. His breaths are shaky and loud against her ear as he kisses her throat and murmurs encouragement.

“You’re so perfect.”

“K’Sante-”

She bites her lip as he finally bottoms out, panting against his shoulder. She’s drooling, she realises, regaining enough sense to wipe her face. K’Sante runs a warm hand down her back, slow and sturdy. The other stays at her hip, digging in hard enough to bruise. K’Sante probably isn’t conscious of how tight his grip is, but it grounds her, stops her slipping too far.

“I’m going to move, alright?” he murmurs, waiting for her nod before he gives a deliberate rock of his hips. Yone hums, holding him tighter. Satisfied, he repeats the action, slightly harder. They build up a steady rhythm, neither of them interested in rushing this little pocket of peace.

Yone buries herself further into his neck with every movement, taking one hand back to cover her face and muffle any whimpers that threaten to spill past her defences. K’Sante tilts his head far enough to plant a kiss to her cheek.

“Yone, plea-” He cuts himself off with a low groan as Yone rolls her hips back against him. K’Sante takes a breath, then tries again, “I want to hear you.”

“No,” Yone grunts, digging her nails into his back with the effort.

“You always sound so good, Yone,” he sighs against her skin, kissing his way down her collarbone.

The jerk of his hips is relentless and knocks the air from her, still she clutches her mouth, spit dripping between her fingers. She squeezes her eyes so tightly they start to hurt, gasping.

K’Sante sighs and stills, leaning back. Yone tries to follow, but he slips a hand under her chin. He guides her back, gazing into her eyes with that wonderful, handsome smile.

“You’re beautiful. Every part of you is,” he says, pressing their foreheads together, “and I’ll tell you as many times as I need to, until you believe me.”

Yone makes a choked, embarrassing noise. “K’Sante-”

He pulls out and she gives a mournful, desperate whine. K’Sante doesn’t leave her wanting for long, easing her back down to the damp sheets and sliding back in with one even thrust. He wastes no time returning to their previous rhythm, the slick slaps utterly vulgar and much too loud.

Yone is burning, resisting every impulse to hide her face in the pillow. She curls one arm over K’Sante’s shoulders, the other holding his face. She parts her red, bitten lips and tilts her head back. The first moan is too low, it breaks and tapers off in a sound that makes her cringe, but K’Sante picks up his pace.

“That’s it,” he groans, kissing her nose, “you’re doing so well.”

It calms her nerves, even if only a little. Yone gets louder, reaching between them to wrap her long fingers around herself. She moans again, a prettier sound than the first. K’Sante shudders and somehow gets even faster. He’s babbling now, like he often does when he gets this far-

“You’re so perfect, Yone. You feel so good. So-”

She opens her mouth, though she isn’t sure what she was going to say as her words dissolve into a high gasp. She tightens her grip on herself, jerking in fast, hard strokes. Yone throws her head back into a perfect arch, the sounds breaking from her unabashed and filthy. If she were more lucid, she’d worry about their bandmates hearing them but she’s well and truly past that point.

“K’Sante- Please,” she gasps, astonished that she had managed two entire coherent words. K’Sante nods rapidly, peppering kisses all over her face as he thrusts harder still-

She feels like she might break, but she still craves more-

Yone’s orgasm sneaks up on her, a flash of white so intense and hot that she screams, toes curling, scrambling against the covers for any form of purchase-

Eventually, it pitters out into a steady thrum as she rides it out, dimly aware of the wetness leaking out of her ass as K’Sante pulls out. He looks rather sheepish as he rubs the back of his neck.

“Hah, sorry. I should have pulled out.”

Yone hums and smiles, spreading her legs further. She’s totally going to have to wash these sheets tomorrow, but it’s worth it for the way K’Sante’s eyes darken.

“You’re going to kill me,” he says, gulping and closing his eyes in a feeble attempt to calm his breathing.

Yone giggles. “You’re adorable.”

“No, you,” he says, because he was a grown ass man and very mature.

She laughs, though the sound is somewhat rough after all that noise she’d been making earlier.

“Do you believe me now?” he asks, head tilted.

Yone shuffles against the damp sheets. “I might need some more convincing,” she says, peering up at him through her lashes.

K’Sante’s chest rumbles with a laugh. “Then I’m more than happy to oblige.”

He disappears briefly into the bathroom and returns with a warm cloth. He lifts one of her legs up over his shoulder for better access, or so he would say but Yone is pretty sure he just wanted an excuse to kiss her ankle. She sighs, watching him work as she hums the bridge they’d been working on earlier that day.

“You know,” he says, breaking the lull, “Ezreal always said you had milf energy even before you came out.”

Yone stares at him, thoroughly befuddled. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah! Guess he was onto something, huh?”

Yone wheezes, tipping her head back and giving a rather undignified snort. She laughs, breathless and unrestrained, chest heaving. When she looks back at him he’s gazing at her again, like she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

And, Yone finds, it’s easy to believe him, even just for a moment.

[mythsandheather]

I've been pretty curious about the LO Critical side. I'm asking genuinely but what are the reasons why LO has such a strong anti Fandom.

Do people not like it? I was curious because it seems like a lot of lo critical/anti lo blogs seem to enjoy certain aspects and characters. Is it the author people don't enjoy?

Like I said I'm really being genuine. I think people have the right to have like their own critical space for a free webcomic. It's just interesting because it's like. This Fandom has a second Fandom of people who seem to hate the comic.

The anti community for any fandom is sure to be a complex place that’s usually, in my experience, more built on pain and disappointment than anything else. Pain because something important to you no longer provides comfort, maybe even perpetrates harmful themes for your own personal experiences, and disappointment because this is something you used to love and you wish could be better.

There’s two parts of the anti community for LO. There’s one part that, as you said, still holds some affection for the series, for memories attached to it and for some characters. There’s also another part that, again as you said, straight up just hate it.

I’ll briefly touch on the first part. They can see so clearly how LO could be infinitely better and that’s frustrating. They can see all the flaws they didn’t notice or didn’t want to see before and are exasperated by why it’s allowed to continue this way. Let’s not forget that a significant number of LO’s critics are people who were young teens and read it in their formative years without realising what they were being so carelessly exposed to.

With that realisation, there’s a level of anger and horror at learning what was put in front of them, marketed as safe and heavily promoted at every turn, and it’s only gotten worse over time. That must be an absolutely gut-wrenching thing to feel over something you loved once.

So in that sense, you’re correct; a big part of the anger comes down to Rachel herself and her choices.

Then there’s the other part of the anti fandom, the part that just out and out hates it and always has. This is where yours truly fits in.

Now, I was super active on tumblr during 2014-2017, when fandoms like Steven Universe, FNAF and Undertale were at their peak. I had to learn, trial by fire, how to be real critical of any media I consumed. There is certainly a downside to this, I tend to see the negatives of anything I enjoy first and then find positives later. The upside is it’s certainly been one helluva way to improve my media literacy and spot the bs from a mile away.

A lot of people don’t believe when I say I got skeevy, uncomfortable, gross vibes from LO from chapter one, but I did. I don’t know what it was, but it set me off so bad that I couldn’t get past “her butt is shaped like a heart” and never read it again.

Now I’m willing to admit that this part of the fandom, like me, are the way we are because we were never the target demographic for LO.

Therefore, when it came out and got popular, we were the ones who were absolutely baffled and the ones who got dog piled and called every name under the sun by fans for a long time…that is, of course, until a lot of those fans grew up, realised what they were reading and turned on the series.

As I said, the critical side of any fandom is complicated and this is just my two cents.

I could do a much longer post about how fucking angry I am at Rachel personally for the fact she’s from my country, a country who constantly gets ignored, and given this amazing chance that so many of us wish we could have, yet chose to peddle her self insert x celebrity crush jailbait fantasy.

I could talk all day about how physically sickened I am that she’s taken so many aspects of trauma experiences by myself and millions of others and used it as ignorant, glamourised, fetishised shock-material.

I could go on at length about what a racist, misogynistic, homophobic piece of baggage she is and how she’s permanently done damage to another culture while completely misrepresenting ours…but I won’t.

I’ll just draw more mean art of Persephone’s giant lips and Hades accidentally letting the air out of them with his mosquito nose instead.

What’s Rachel going to do? Draw a goofy, technicolor caricature of me in her comic that’ll blend into the background, be only half finished and look like a recoloured Persephone in her otherwise pristine and totally professional looking masterpiece that’s definitely not losing readers? Oh wait—

[dontlikeconflict]

Part two

This is part two of my s11ep13 concept rewrite, was supposed to be a oneshot but i couldnt leave it be, so now its got two chapters, this will be the last one though! hope you like it

AO3 LINK

PART ONE ON TUMBLR

The drive to the bunker was thankfully uneventful. The fear that Sam would bring their conversation back up, or somehow act differently toward Dean constantly stuck in his mind, but the first half of the drive was thankfully uneventful, filled with the usual noise of music pushing from Baby's speakers filling the air between the brothers.

But as the drive went on for longer and they got closer to home, to where Cas was, Dean had something he had to ask.

"Sam... you -" he felt so awkward verbalising it, like a teenage girl bringing up a crush "you're not gonna tell Cas, about..."

He let the words trail off, knowing neither of them needed him to finish the thought, a demon had provided them with undeniable proof that Cas was Dean's "deepest desire", it was indisputable.

"Dean..." Sam said it in that long drawn out way of his that meant he was disappointed, right now Dean really couldn't bare his baby brother being disappointed in him too. "I won't tell Cas, of course."

there was a 'but' at the end of that, and despite the long pause they both felt it there, waiting against a back drop of Led Zeppelin

Dean got tired of waiting. "But?" he sounded like a petulant child, but he couldn't bring himself to care about being mature or level headed right now, the miles between them and the bunker lessened.

"but... you should, tell him" Dean could tell Sam was looking at him, but he deliberately kept his eyes on the road, allowing the feel of the wheel in his hands to ground him.

He thinks over a million replies in his head:

'are you an idiot Sam?'

'why the hell would I want to do that?'

He goes for a combination of a few of his ideas "what? Sam are you an idiot, what exactly do you think that will do?"

And the more pitiful:

'How do you think he'd react?'

'Do you think he feels like that? about me?'

Dean bitterly imagined Cas sneering, leaving the bunker, looking toward him in disgust; but then resigned himself to the much more likely reality. Castiel's pity, his care. In the most painful way he could give it, he would give Dean that look that said he couldn't even begin to understand how he felt, let alone return it. He would be gentle, and kind, in the kind of awkward way that would only work coming from Cas, and it would rot Dean from the inside, out.

"Honestly Dean? I don't know. But I know that Cas is family, he cares about you, about us. Nothing good can come of you bottling all this up forever"

Sam was still looking at him, Dean was still refusing to look back. He refused to accept any kind of logic from his smart baby brother, what he was suggesting couldn't be worth the pain it would bring into their lives. But he couldn't vocalise that, couldn't tell Sam just how much the rejection would tear into him, so he just said "you know me Sammy" forcing a smile. Because Sam did know him, Sam knew that if he could it would stay bottled, for as long as he could bare it.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The bunker without Sam and Dean felt slightly less like home to Cas, but it still was comforting to have a place to reside, a place to go back to at the end of the day. Cas liked the kitchen and the long hallways, he liked not being forced into poorly decorated motel rooms (although some may say the bunkers décor left something to be desired) and he liked having a place he belonged.

Cas had found home in his relationship to the Winchesters, in a way that felt realer and more significant than anything he had ever had before in heaven. And in some way, the bunker was a physical manifestation of that. It was home, it was the kitchen where Dean made his sandwiches, and had even made pie for Cas once when a storm hit and the trip to the nearest diner was too risky in Baby (a resilient car, but not one necessarily built for extreme weather). It was an apple pie and although Cas still didn't really enjoy eating a lot of foods, he smiled as he ate his slice of pie, even as the slimy texture of cooked apples filled his mouth. All because Dean, stood in the kitchen with his own slice of pie, half eaten before Cas had even finished his first bite, looked so proud of his creation.

Weather it was a trait Dean would associate with himself, he loved to support others, not just protect them, but support. Make them food, keep their needs well met and a smile on their face. He was a carer at heart, and that's what kept the smile on Cas' face as he swallowed the (for him at least) unsatisfying pie.

And Cas would never tell the brothers this - he feels they would be upset - but when he was alone in the bunker he often loved to go into their rooms. He would look at how they placed things, or what objects they seemed to give more space to than others. Both of their rooms were clean, clothes folded the same way, but Sam's desk was cluttered with the most currently relevant lore, and the shelf above littered with non-fiction books. Dean's desk was devoid of lore, but almost always had some kind of weapon gracing it, with two larger guns mounted on his wall. But if you looked in the cubby beneath his bedside drawer, and Cas did, you would find 4 different novels by Kurt Vonnegut: Slaughter House Five, Cats Cradle, Slapstick and The Sirens of Titan. Cas has been gradually reading them all when there is downtime between cases. He knows he could get his own copies rather easily, but he finds something charming about flicking through the same pages that Dean has flicked through, finding certain passages underlined, or certain pages still dog eared, despite Dean finishing the book long ago.

Cas is drawn out of his musing by the door of the bunker opening, Sam and Dean has been on a case for the past day or so, but they hadn't required his help at any point, so he didn't know the details of it, and after spending the day alone he was eager to hear the details, so he moved towards the main room of the Bunker where he saw the brothers making their way down the stairs, duffel bags in hand.

"Dean, Sam" he said in lieu of a greeting, it was Sam who replied

"Hey Cas, how's it been, no disasters while we've been gone?"

"Not that I've noticed" Cas was aiming for a joke, and Sam gave a slight smile, but Dean didn't laugh like he'd hoped. Cas still found jokes to be a hard thing to navigate. When he tried to make them they often got him a confused or bewildered look, but often when he wasn't trying to joke he would get laughter, it was confusing.

Dean finally spoke up with a brief "well I'm gonna..." and gestured towards his room as he left, barely looking up.

Cas turned to the younger Winchester instead "How was the case?" he has been bored while the boys were gone, and curious on what he missed out on

"Oh, it was fine, turned out to be a Qareen, creature that transforms into your deepest desire" he half looked at Cas, as if looking for a reaction "Dean kept it distracted while I had to fight the woman who summoned it"

"I've heard of Qareen before... you stabbed its heart?"

"Yup, just before it got its hand in Dean's chest" once again Sam was giving him an odd look, as if examining his expressions, like he was waiting for him to get a hint.

"Dean was... fighting the Qareen?" the real question, if Dean was faced with his true desire, was one that was left in the air, implied.

"Yep." Sam was busing himself with his phone now, trying to seem disinterested, although his fingers were moving back and forth, as if scrolling through the same set of texts over and over.

"Do you..." Cas cleared his throat, suddenly feeling sheepish "do you know what form it took?"

At this Sam's eyes looked at him keenly, as if seeing right through him to his intentions, but still Cas held his gaze, waiting for Sam to reply

"That's something you'll have to ask Dean" and then he abruptly left, striding toward his own room, and leaving Cas alone again, feeling significantly more off balance than he had before the brothers arrived.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean travelled light, so unpacking his bag took mere minutes, and then he was left alone with his thoughts. Alone with the knowledge that Sam and Cas were out there together. That even though Sam said he wouldn't, he could, at any moment, tell Cas everything. Tell Cas that his deepest desire is for Cas to love him, a terrifying and painful vulnerability that made Dean feel sick to his stomach. Things that only you know are one thing, you can shove them down, ignore them, deny them. But to have proof of it, to have someone else knowing it too; the truth becomes infinitely harder to ignore.

A knock on his bedroom door broke him out of his thoughts, but only brought a further lurch of panic when who it was settled in. He allowed himself to turn to stone in the face of it.

"Come in!" he busied himself with clothes he had already folded and weapons he had already checked, as he heard the door open behind his back and Cas silently step inside the room, closing it again behind him. An act that, while Dean felt the way he did, seemed like a trap.

"Dean" he said in the same way he always said it, too sincere, too tender for just a name. Or maybe that's just how Cas speaks, maybe that's just what Cas' voice sounds like to Dean.

"Hey Cas" Dean hoped his voice was devoid of any tenderness, hoped it was casual and nothing else when it held the angels name "Didn't blow up the bunker while we were gone?"

"Its a bunker... I would be more likely to blow up myself than it"

Dean let a puff of air, barely a chuckle, escape his mouth. Too tense to really laugh. "Just an expression buddy"

"yes..." Cas seems like he wants to say more but instead he lingers at the door, refusing to leave while Dean refuses to turn to face him. There's a long stretch of silence, until Cas says

"Angels don't really desire things"

This causes Dean to finally turn, a shirt, folded then unfolded, still in his hand "what?"

"I do... desire things, obviously. But when I was in Heaven, before I met you and Sam.... what I knew and understood was God, my fellow angels, my orders. I was a soldier, and I didn't truly think about myself. About what I wanted for myself, or even what I wanted for others. It was about what God wanted, or at least what we thought God wanted. So, when I raised you from perdition" a small smile raised at the corner of Cas' lips at his phrasing, they both remembered when he first said it. "I found you very confusing, very... singular. The only kind of 'desire' I understood was the desire to follow, to worship. And as I began to stray, I saw that in you Dean"

Cas paused here, clearly not done with speaking but thinking on what he wanted to say, carefully. Dean was glad, because he had no idea what to say, where he was going with this, all he could do was hope, and hope and hope.

"We are very different, I know that, but we were both soldiers, are both soldiers. And I know that desire is not a good trait in soldiers, to want, to feel, it's not always rewarded" Cas pauses and looks almost mischievous as he says "One of the main effects of war, after all, is that people are discouraged from being characters"

Dean, despite all his fear, laughs "Cas are you quoting Vonnegut to me? You sure know how to woo a guy" The laughter let the statement slip out, but as soon as it was free panic found its way back in. The urge to literally slap himself was palpable.

Cas didn't look panicked, or uncomfortable, like Dean had feared, I suppose he had said more outright things before, but his emotions were running high and it felt like everything he said could lead to his ruin.

"I wasn't aware it was that easy to 'woo a guy'" Cas joked back, he looked pleased with himself for the quote

"well you know me, I'm easy" Dean might as well dig himself a deeper hole

A silence stretched out between them and Cas' smile slowly shrunk into a more neutral expression "Dean"

He said it again, the same way, so tender Dean felt it like a pull in his chest. He felt it so strongly he let himself reply with even a hint of the vulnerability that Cas seems to ooze "Cas."

Cas lets his head tilt slightly as he observes Dean, the same way the Qareen did as it told him that it understood his longing.

"Sam says you fought a Qareen today"

The weight of what coming feels near physical and all he can allow himself to do is a brief nod in return. Refusing to allow this to be easy for Cas, if this was going to be forced out of him then sure as shit it was going to be like pulling teeth for everyone involved, not just for Dean.

"Qareen transform into what you most desire." Cas said it despite them both knowing this, despite it being established, he said it because he wanted Dean to say something. Dean just stared.

A sigh pushes its way from Cas, and he looks almost tired "What form did it take Dean?"

And there it was. Trust Cas to phrase it in the most blunt inescapable way possible. The way he said it made it feel like he already knew the answer, like lying was impossible.

"Don't make me say it Cas" Dean sounded like a broken man, like a dog preparing to bite, and yet Cas didn't flinch in the face of it, he never did.

"Please, Dean" said without any of the devastation clawing at Dean's throat, weather this was a good or a bad thing he couldn't tell.

Despite what everyone thought, Dean knew when to give up. He knew that he had to say it, say what just a day earlier he never thought he would even acknowledge out loud, he forced himself to look directly into Cas' eyes, a kind of self punishment, and he spoke.

"It looked like you." a better man would cry, but Dean knew he sounded angry. "trench coat, blue tie, 100% angel of the lord. It looked at me, just how you're looking at me right now and talked about shame and desire ..... and love" he swallowed a lump in his throat "and then it used your hands to try and tear out my heart. Probably would have worked better if I actually thought it was you but... I'd know you anywhere Cas" it was supposed to be light-hearted but it sounded too raw

Its at this point that Dean has to turn away again, hoping Cas would allow him that kindness at least. He felt his shoulders stiff, his body tense, almost as if he was waiting to be hit, but of course as usual Cas surprises him, like he so often does

"You were the first thing I ever desired."

Dean wanted to look back, but he's afraid if he did Cas would disappear.

"I felt so alone in the world, and when I looked at you, despite all your flaws, I saw the best of humanity. I saw how much you loved, how much you fought for what you loved, and I not only wanted to be like you... I wanted to be one of those people you fought for, I wanted to be loved by you"

Cas always moved quietly, but in the room his footsteps sounded almost deafening

"To know you, Dean Winchester, has been the greatest privilege of my long life" a hand is placed on Dean's shoulder, slowly turning him to look into Cas' tearful expression "to be loved by you, is my greatest desire"

The breath that releases from Dean's chest feels like dying, like letting go. This Cas may well be the Qareen, because it felt as if his heart had been gripped and pulled straight from his chest, and now in his last moments of consciousness his body was floundering. So it goes.

Cas' hand moves from his shoulder to cradle Dean's face, holding him like something precious.

Dean knows he should say something, something real and true and important but all he can get out is "me?" he sounds like a lost child.

But Cas is smart, so instead of replying, or asking for more of Dean, he does something more simple for him, he pulls him in and kisses him.

For all his fear, of queerness, of his feelings for Cas, nothing has ever felt more right than the moment Cas' lips touched his. A relief that washes through his body, and for a moment he lets himself feel loved, desired, free. A tear leaves his eye and falls onto both their faces, not so monumental if they share it, not so scary. So when Cas pulls away Dean lets himself speak "I love you Cas"

And he may be imagining it, but it almost looks like Cas' eyes glow when he replies "I love you, Dean."

[convulsionofhonesty]

top 5 books of 2023

i read many less books (for fun at least) than i read last year but it was really nice to do this kind of post for 2022 so i'm repeating for 2023

--------

1. the idiot - elif batuman - making a reappearance from last year ... i know many people don't like to count rereads in their top books of the year since they weren't new favorites but for the impact this book had on me this year i simply couldn't omit it. i read this no less than 3 times in 2023 ... it became so much more relatable and painful than it was upon first read in 2022 and instantly became my current favorite book of all time. not a day passes that i do not think about this. stunning, meandering character study about a floundering 18/19 year old who is, unfortunately, in all the best and worst ways, the fictional character that most represents myself. i have already done 10x my share of pr work for this book on this account so i will leave the review here. but please read this.

2. contradictions in the design - matthew olzmann - almost dethroned siken's crush as my favorite poetry collection ... the tumblr girls will understand how serious this is. absolutely gorgeous. i teared up at a solid 50% of the poems. contains countless life altering lines and a really profound mixture of the abstract and the concrete, the general/philosophical and the specific/mundane. love.

3. when the emperor was divine - julie otsuka - quick read with deceptively simple prose that's absolutely drenched with symbolism. demands to be read with a highlighter in hand and a murder wall behind you to decipher each iteration of each motif. under 200 pages but you could easily spend weeks trying to pull everything out of it. just on a craft level this is absolutely sublime, fiction at its finest.

4. fun home - allison bechdel - this is of course one of the graphic novels that everyone has heard of but certainly not enough people have read. because if you haven't read this i implore you to change that. from the very first page i knew that this was crafted with such unbelievable intentionality. so many little details in the backgrounds of panels carry immense weight; this is a graphic novel masterclass. everything is perfectly balanced and thought-out. again on a craft level, and an emotional level, this blew me away.

5 - autobiography of red - anne carson - most inventive book i read probably? a disjointed yet fluid verse novel that follows a fascinating main character and winds effortlessly through mythology and reality, paying no attention to the usual borders of geography, time, or the body. i don't know how to describe this other than as a deeply confusing book that you will probably not understand at all but your body will somehow still feel everything. you will understand it on a subconscious level more than on a conscious one.

--------

honorable mentions (bc last year i did a top 10 but my opinions past this point are not as strong and also i don't want to write all that)

- body work by melissa febos

- sirens and muses by antonia angress

- comfort woman by nora okja keller

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 30

You, Joel and Ellie come to new understandings following Tess' death. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-29 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: None for this chapter! No use of Y/N. Whole fic is violent and smutty so Minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 4.7k

“Should stop here for the night,” Joel said. 

It was the first thing any of you had said in hours. The sun was setting, the woods around you were stilling. 

You’d made it a few miles outside the city, the three of you trudging more than walking. You were glad that Ellie had been quiet. It wasn’t her usual way and you really didn’t want her pushing Joel’s buttons, not right that moment. You only really needed to get through the next day with him, that was all. Even though thinking of everything after that made your chest hurt.

The two of you followed Joel off the trail to a level patch of ground. He dropped his pack and just looked at you for a moment. 

“Need a minute,” he said eventually, stalking off in the woods. 

“Shouldn’t have just left her like that,” Ellie muttered, plopping down by a tree and leaning back against it with a sigh. 

“There’s nothing we could have done,” you said quietly. She looked at her own arm, which you’d patched up once you were clear of the city. “Ellie.” She looked at you. “You couldn’t have fixed her. It’s not on you. None of this is on you.” 

She tensed her jaw and looked back down at her arm. You sighed. 

It wasn’t Ellie’s fault but it was yours. You sat down, away from Ellie, and leaned back against a tree, closing your eyes. If you weren’t so fucking useless out here… 

You saw the infected go for Joel and you’d just reacted. Shooting it probably hadn’t been smart but it had been instinctual. He was in danger. It didn’t matter that Joel would have been better at handling it than you, you had a gun and you could handle it now, you could kill it or draw it away from him and that’s what mattered. For a second, you forgot that you had to protect Ellie, too. For a second, you’d only been worried about him. 

And then the gun jammed. 

All you’d been able to do was watch the clicker come for you and throw Ellie out of the way. You hadn’t thought to try to reach your knife after you threw her, didn’t have any other option but to try to hold the clicker back, you weren’t strong enough to shove it off you. Its snarling, gnashing teeth and fungus enveloped face were inches from your skin when Ellie hurled herself at it, her insignificant weight nothing when compared to the large, now inhuman body that was crushing yours. Tess had been all but forced to step in, knocking the thing away from you. All because you’d been fucking stupid. 

In hindsight, your last conversation with Tess made infinitely more sense. 

You’d sent Joel and Ellie on ahead - wanting to put distance between both of them and the museum - while you worked on Tess’ ankle. 

“Let me know if what I’m doing hurts,” you said, gently taking off her battered boot. “The goal is to make sure we can get you to walking comfortably. We’ll see if the Fireflies have something that can set you up better for a long trip…” 

She looked you over for a moment, her back against the building as you checked her ankle. 

“Shouldn’t have yelled at you,” she said. You glanced up at her. “That day, at the clinic. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

You shrugged, going back to work. 

“Wasn’t like I was being a particularly nice person,” you replied. “I deserved it.” 

She looked at you again. 

“He did it to protect you,” she said. You looked up from her ankle. “Joel insisting on taking Andrew. He did it to protect you. The raiders were getting bad and the worst thing a raider will do to a man is kill him. Maybe torture him first if he’s got something they’re after but shot quick is how it goes. Women they take. He wasn’t willing to risk that, not with you.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” You asked after a moment, grabbing a bandage from your pack and starting to wrap her ankle now that it was properly aligned. 

“Because he’s too much of a fucking idiot to tell you himself,” she said. “He’s always been an idiot when it comes to you. He’s my best friend, he’s been my best friend for a decade and a half and one of the most consistent things about the man is that he’s a fucking idiot when it comes to you.” 

“Are you sure he’s not just an idiot when it comes to most things?” You teased, glancing up at her, but her face was serious. You frowned, pausing your work, holding her ankle. “Tess, are you OK?” 

“I’m fine,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’m just tired of him fucking things up with you. If everything is going to change then you should at least know that he wasn’t trying to be an asshole. He was trying to protect you.” 

You sighed and went back to wrapping her ankle. When you finished the job, you helped her put her boot back on, tying the top as snug as she could bare to help support the wrap. 

“At least you’re going to have at truck and you won’t be walking it to wherever the hell Tommy wound up,” you said, helping her to her feet. “And now you have a great excuse to just make Joel drive the whole way…” 

She smiled grimly at that. You took a few practice steps with her to make sure her feet were under her before you started going over the board, Tess taking the crossing one slow step at a time. 

When you were both across, she looked at you again. 

“I feel like if things had been different, you and I would have been friends,” she said. And then she frowned. “Or better friends, I guess. You’re kind of the closest thing I have to a friend besides Joel.” 

“Me too,” you half smiled at her. “We can always try now. Bit hard given everything but…” 

“You still care about him,” she said. “Don’t you?”

You frowned at her.

“Are you sure, you’re OK?” You asked. 

“Doc.” 

“Yeah,” you looked straight ahead. “I’m always going to care about him, I’m always going to love him…” 

She nodded before cutting you off. 

“I need a favor,” she said, stopping in the street and looking at you. You stopped, too, your frown deepening. “If… If something happens to me, I need you to make sure he’s OK.” 

“Tess, I’m not exactly a survivalist…” you replied but she shook her head. 

“Not that way, he’ll be fine that way,” she said. “He needs someone. Right now, I’m who he has but he can’t survive without both of us. He needs someone. If something happens to me you need to make sure he’s OK.” 

“Tess…” You were going to fight her on it. Tell her that you were pretty sure he didn’t WANT you to be someone to him, but she didn’t let you. 

“Promise me.” 

You sighed but she squared her jaw and fixed her eyes on you, like she was ready for a fight. 

“Promise me!” 

“OK!” You said quickly. “OK, I’ll make sure he’s OK. I’ve come running to patch him up enough times. I think you know that I’m always going to try to make sure he’s OK.” 

She looked relieved. 

“Good,” she nodded, a sense of finality to it, and she headed for the statehouse. 

She had known, of course. She’d been bitten and she had hours left, at best. And she’d tried to make sure Joel was going to be OK. 

How the fuck were you supposed to make sure Joel was OK? 

He eventually returned from wherever he’d gone, still silent. He sat against a tree. After a bit, you went in your bag and got out what food you had. You gave some to Ellie, who crinkled her nose a bit at it, and tried to hand some to Joel. He just stared at it. 

“You’ve got to eat something,” you said. He looked up at you. You wanted to apologize but didn’t want to push him too far. “It’s been a long day.” 

He took it. You sat down again. 

It was so quiet you could hardly bear it, Ellie eventually sighing and laying down, using her backpack as a pillow. Joel got up and draped his jacket over her before turning to you. 

“Get some rest,” he said, his voice flat. “I’ll keep watch. Won’t be able to sleep anyway.” 

“Joel,” you said softly. He just shook his head. 

It wasn’t a restful night for you. Your dreams were filled with snarling, inhuman things that were always outside your control but never outside someone else’s. When you jerked awake, the sun was just starting to rise, the horizon blood red and purple. 

Ellie was still asleep under a tree, her face tight. She probably wasn’t sleeping well, either. Joel was sitting, back to you, on a log. 

You quietly got into your bag and found the notebook you’d tucked your pictures into. You found the one with Tess before heading for Joel. 

He glanced up at you when you went to join him but didn’t say anything. 

“I’m really sorry, Joel,” you said quietly. He sniffed, staring straight ahead. “She really cared about you. I know you cared about her…” You weren’t sure what to do with the gnawing guilt inside you, just that you couldn’t give it to him. “I’m here, if you need it.” 

You handed him the picture. He looked at it and it hurt too much to be beside him then. 

“I’ll be back in a bit,” you said. You didn’t wait for a response, desperate to put some space between you and Joel while you could get it. 

***

“Where’s Doc?” 

The kid’s voice was sleepy. The sun was fully up now. 

“Said she’d be back soon,” he said gruffly. 

“Oh,” she slumped back against the tree, the hair that had come out of her ponytail frizzy and wild around her face. She looked down at her lap, frowning for a second before looking back at him. “Want your jacket back?” 

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t particularly feel like saying anything. The kid just sighed heavily, got up and brought him the jacket, dropping it on his pack before stomping back toward the tree she’d slept against. He ground his teeth. 

Where the fuck were you? 

He wasn’t sure what time it was. He wasn’t great at gauging how much time had passed since you’d left camp that morning. His mind wasn’t quite keeping up with things. He’d looked at the picture of Tess for a long time. She looked happy there. Happier than she ever really looked in the years he’d known her. 

“About Tess,” the kid said. 

“Don’t want to hear it,” he snapped. 

“Well that’s too damn bad,” she snapped back. “It sucks that she’s dead but it’s not my fault and it’s not Doc’s. You and Tess decided to take us, we didn’t make you and Marlene didn’t make you. So don’t blame us because shit got bad. It’s not our fault so don’t pretend like it is.” 

He just looked at her for a moment. She was right. He knew she was right. But then, he hadn’t planned on blaming either of you, anyway. No, this fell on him. 

Him, stepping on the fucking glass. Him, not able to kill the damn thing before you intervened. Him, giving you a gun that jammed. Him, not able to get to you in time so Tess stepped in. 

Him failing, failing, failing. Tess dying. 

You came out of the trees, arms crossed tightly over yourself. 

“Let’s go,” he said, voice gruff. “We’ve got about a five hour hike ahead of us.” 

Joel led the way. Ellie had, apparently, decided one day of quiet was enough and started asking questions. 

Mercifully, most of them were directed at you. The kid had never been out in nature before and it seemed like she had every fucking question in the world about it. 

“So why haven’t we seen more animals?” 

“How old are these trees, anyway?” 

“Why was it just humans and not deer and shit who got infected?” 

It was almost like watching you teach a class. You patiently answered all her questions, making sure she understood the root concepts you were using to respond to her. Part of her, it seemed, was just hungry to be acknowledged, have her thoughts recognized and understood. He could understand that. Sympathize with it.

And then she turned to the more personal questions. 

“So,” she turned at walked backwards, facing the two of you. “Who’s Tommy?” 

She raised her eyebrows, almost singing his name. Like she was trying to get under your skin. You groaned. 

“It really doesn’t matter,” you said. 

“I mean I think it does since you were apparently fuck…” 

“What have I said about language?” You cut her off. 

“That you don’t like swearing in your classroom and that there are appropriate times to swear,” the kid said matter-of-factly. “But we’re not in your classroom and that seemed appropriate to me.” 

“Ellie,” you sighed. 

“What?” She said. “C’mon, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!” 

“He hadn’t been my boyfriend in a very long time,” you replied. “There was no reason he would have told me where he was going. He would have been more likely to tell Joel…” 

“Joel,” her nose crinkled. “Why.” 

“He’s my brother,” he ground his teeth. 

“Ohhhhh,” she said, turning back around to face forward again. “So THAT’S how you know each other, OK…” 

“That’s not…” you began and then seemed to think better of it. But you didn’t stop yourself fast enough for Ellie. 

She turned back around. 

“So how DO you know each other then,” she asked. 

“Why do you want to know?” Joel asked, before looking at you. “Kids always ask this many questions?” 

You just raised your eyebrows at him. 

“If I’m going to be traveling with you two for a while…” Ellie began. 

“Just goin’ to Bill and Frank’s,” Joel cut her off. 

“Whatever,” she waved him off. “I’m the one stuck traveling with you two and you’ve got some kind of problem with each other. Kinda shitty for me to have to tiptoe around a problem when I don’t even know what the problem is.” 

She just looked at you both, brows raised, thumbs looped through her backpack straps. You glanced at Joel. He sighed. 

“Knew each other before,” he said eventually. 

“Like you were friends?” She asked. 

Joel ground his teeth. 

“We were friends,” you replied. 

“Just friends.” She sounded skeptical. You glanced at him again and it was a long enough pause that her mouth formed a small “o” before she started to laugh. “And you went out with his brother! Man, Doc, who knew you had it in you…” 

You groaned. Joel resisted the urge to smile. Maybe the kid’s questions weren’t ALL bad. 

“So is that how you got that scar on your head?” She asked Joel. “Get punched by your brother over a girl?” 

She was teasing him. He ground his teeth. 

“No,” he said, looking for something to say. He had never even told you what happened, certainly wasn’t about to tell some fuckin’ kid. “Someone shot at me and missed.” 

“Did you shoot him?” She asked, voice serious again. 

“No,” he replied. “I missed, too. Happens more often than you’d think.” 

“Because you suck at shooting?” 

Joel glared at her. She just rolled her eyes, facing forward again. 

Joel led the three of you to a gas station that had become a hiding spot for supplies between Boston and Lincoln. Ellie went deeper inside while you looked over the shelves, not that there was much left. You picked up an old magazine, idly flipping through it.

“Anything good?” Joel asked. 

“JLo and Ben Affleck called off their wedding,” you said, turning a page. “Too bad, too. Thought those kids were going to make it…” 

Joel snorted. 

It took Joel a second to find just where he’d stashed things, but an overturned shelf was on it now. 

“Help me move this,” he called you over. You just nodded and picked up one side of it, getting it just far enough that he could access the floorboard. He kicked aside some of the remains from the shelf - mostly trash - but stopped when he noticed you staring down at something. 

You’d all but frozen where you stood, a granola bar wrapper crumpled on the floor. You looked like you were about to cry. 

“You OK?” He frowned. 

“Fine,” you said quickly, picking up the wrapper and booking it for the door. “Just need some air, I’ll be outside.” 

Joel looked toward the door Ellie had gone through for a moment before going after you. 

You were pacing the parking lot, looking at the fucking wrapper. You were crying. 

“Hey,” he said. Your head snapped up. You sniffed and wiped your tears, trying to hide it. “What’s going on.” 

“Nothing,” your voice was thick. 

“Not nothing.” He nodded to the wrapper. “Why’s that upset you.” 

“Just haven’t seen one of these in 20 years, that’s all,” you said, not looking directly at him. 

“Never seen you cry over trash before,” he said. “Why’s it upset you.” 

“These stupid things are all I could eat when I was pregnant, OK?” You said quickly, almost angrily. But then you looked up at him, almost like you were scared of what he’d say. “I’m sorry, I know it’s… it’s a sore subject but… I had just fucking awful morning sickness, I couldn’t hold down anything but Clif bars and I haven’t seen them in 20 years and I hadn’t thought about that in so long and… It’s probably the reason I wasn’t infected to begin with, these were all I was eating. It’s what me and Andrew survived on, I had a whole stash at the house that I brought with me… It just caught me off guard, that’s all. I’m sorry.” 

He just stood there, looking at you for a moment, the wrapper still in your fingers. He realized then that he’d actively avoided picturing you at that time. What it would have been like for you to make your way to Boston 20 years ago, especially knowing all that he knew now. But he imagined that you would have looked then much like you did now - small, vulnerable, scared. Part of you hurting and trying to hide it. It made his heart ache. 

“Can I hold you?” He asked. Your eyes met his, surprised. 

“You don’t have to…” you said, but he shook his head. 

“I want to,” he said. “If you’ll let me.” 

You didn’t say anything. You just kept your eyes on him and moved slowly, cautiously, until your face was against his chest, his chin on top of your head. His arms went around you, pulling you tightly to him. He could feel you breathing like this, the shuddering of you against him as you cried. He cradled your head to his chest and breathed you in, the last of the smell of your shampoo clinging to your hair through the wilderness and smoke and sweat. 

“Ew!” Ellie came stomping outside a few minutes later. “See, this is why I needed to know what the problem was, apparently can’t leave you two alone for five fucking minutes…” 

You pulled back from him, still sniffing a bit but no longer crying. You tucked the wrapper in your pocket. 

“What, Gremlin? Want a hug, too? Feeling left out?” You smiled at her, your arms out. Ellie backed away, shaking her head, trying not to smile. “Come on…” 

You drew the last word out and jumped at her, making her yelp and laugh before hiding behind a dilapidated gas pump. Joel felt himself smile a little before he realized he was doing it as he went inside to find his things. 

“Are Bill and Frank nice?” Ellie asked as they neared Lincoln. 

“Frank is,” Joel muttered. “Bill’s… Bill.” 

“I’m surprised you don’t get alone with him better, honestly,” you said, looking up at Joel. He frowned. “Birds of a feather and all that.” 

“Oh so Bill’s an asshole,” Ellie nodded sagely. “Got it.” 

You snorted. Joel glared at you. You smiled a little back at him. It felt almost normal, almost like how life had been before. He’d missed it. 

Lincoln was oddly quiet when the three of you arrived. Joel glanced down at you and he knew you felt it, too, a slight frown on your face. He waved to the camera but didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he just keyed in the code Bill had given him. 

“Don’t leave the fenced area,” he ordered Ellie. “Not only are there sometimes infected and raiders in the woods, Bill’s got the perimeter booby trapped to hell and back…” 

“Right, stay in town and don’t go looking for any fucking clickers,” she rolled her eyes. “Got it.” 

Joel kept his weapon drawn as he made his way toward the house, looking behind him to make sure you’d shut the gate and were following, too. 

He realized then some of what had made him uneasy. The plants in the planters had gone brown and were drooping. The grass was yellowing. Things that Frank never would have let happen. 

“Shit,” he muttered. He looked behind him again. “Stick close.” 

He knocked, hard, on the front door. There was no response but it was unlocked. He let himself in. 

“Frank?” He yelled. “Bill?” 

There were still plates on the table, the remains of the food rotting. 

“Ugh,” Ellie crinkled her nose. 

You frowned, going for the kitchen. You opened the fridge. 

“Definitely been a bit since they were here,” you said. “Probably a week at least, you know how Bill was with cooking and labeling things…” 

Joel started peering through the house, searching for some sign of where they’d gone, when they might return…

“Hey guys?” Ellie called from the dining room. He got to the room at the same time as you. Ellie was sitting at the table, her legs propped up on another chair. She held up a piece of paper and you frowned, going to look over her shoulder. “It said ‘to whomever but probably Joel’ so… I figured I was allowed to open it.” 

He came to her shoulder as well. She looked up at the two of you before she started reading. 

“If you find this… please do not come into the bedroom. We left a window open so the house wouldn’t smell, but it will probably be a sight. 

“I’m guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would’ve been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Hehehehehehehehe. Take anything you need. The bunker code is the same as the gate code but in reverse. Anyway… I never liked you, but still, it’s like we’re friends… almost. And I respect you. So, I’m gonna tell you something because you’re probably the only person who will understand. I used to hate the world, and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong because there was one person worth saving. That’s what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him.

“That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do. And God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way. I leave you all of my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep…”

You were gone before she could say Tess’ name. Ellie just looked up at him, her eyes wide. Almost like she wanted to say she was sorry but wasn’t sure how. 

He took the letter from her and went outside, too. He looked for you for a moment and caught a glimpse of you heading for the pharmacy. He took a deep breath, looking down at the paper again, remembering what you’d said about him and Bill. That they were the same. 

He may have been different once, back when he first fell in love with you. Back when he felt capable of it. He’d become more like Bill since then. But there were still small glimpses of who he’d been before, of the man who thought that life was worth it. They were almost all with you. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Tess. He did. There was a knot in his chest, knowing that he’d failed her. If he could have changed it, traded places with her, he would have. In a heartbeat. And the world would have been better for it. 

But she wasn’t who he was here to save. She never had been, and both of them had known it. 

He still felt it when he held you. That there was something he’d been built for, made to do: protect you. Before, that meant picking you up after a shitty date with a bad guy or making sure you didn’t overdo it when you got your appendix out. It had meant lifting your suitcase onto the scale at the airport when you flew home because he didn’t want you moving something heavy. Now, it was different. Now, it meant killing what scared you or threatened you.

Now, it meant getting you and an immune girl across a wasteland of infected and raiders in one piece. 

He poked his head back in the house and found Ellie, now standing at the piano. 

“Stay in the house,” he ordered, before going to find you. 

He found you quickly. You were in the pharmacy, rifling through the shelves. Because Bill had locked down the town so early, there was still plenty left. Almost everything you hadn’t taken after FEDRA had stopped producing certain things was still there, minus what Bill and Frank had used through the years. 

You turned and jumped when you saw him, your hand going to your heart. 

“Scared me,” you said. Your eyes were shiny with tears, rimmed in red. 

“You OK?” He asked. You just nodded, going back to sorting through medications, your back to him. “Hey,” he said after a minute. “Talk to me.” 

“I’m sorry, Joel,” you said, turning to face him. You leaned back against the counter behind you, your fingers digging into it so hard your knuckles were white. “I fucked up, I got her killed…” 

“No,” he shook his head. “You didn’t.” 

“If I’d just…” 

“Not your fault,” he said again. His voice was gentle, his eyes wide and you couldn’t seem to bring yourself to look at him. You were looking at a half empty shelf of drugs instead, your cheeks wet. 

You took a deep, shaky breath, before actually looking at him. 

“I’m going to get her there,” you said, your voice surprisingly steady. “I’m not sure how yet but I can take a few days here, make a plan…” 

“I’m taking you,” he cut you off. You frowned at him. 

“Joel, no,” you shook your head. “No, I can’t ask you…” 

“You’re not,” he replied. “I’m tellin’ you. You’re not doing this just you and her, you’ll get yourselves killed and then what the fuck would be the point. I’m takin’ you.” 

You took a deep breath and he could tell that you were getting ready to argue with him so he cut you off. 

“I already need to find Tommy,” he said. “Come with me. He knows where the lab is, right? You said he tried to get you to come there, said it was nice? We’ll find him, he can get you to the lab.” 

You looked at him for a moment, eyes still glistening. 

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Joel,” you whispered. 

“Then let me get you there,” he said softly, stepping closer to you until he was right in front of you. “Don’t make me lose you, too.” He could feel the heat of you against him, could smell your skin. You looked up at him for a moment before you just nodded and pressed your face into his chest. He put his arms around you for the second time that day. 

“I’m going to get you there,” he said. “I promise.” 

A/N: About to get on the road to Kansas City! As an FYI, we're going to get some stuff fairly in line with canon through that, then have a stretch of all OC shit for a bit. I hope everyone is enjoying this weird smushing it together thing I'm doing because I'm having fun with it!

I have a taglist, please comment below if you'd like to be added or if you've already asked but I slacked off and didn't add you like a chump.

Thank you, as always, for reading and spending time with these characters and my work! All your love for it has made this such a joy to share and I couldn't love you more!

Taglist: @paleidiot @ayamenimthiriel @ginger-swag-rapunzel @drewharrisonwriter @flugazi @pedropascalsbbg @taoyuji @starstruckmusiciansartghost @splendsay @bigboiseason123 @jpbplvr @ashleyandring @mrsyixingunicorn10 @sloanexx @ninaminaromina @lady-bellyn @hufflepuffriver @sarap-77 @storyarcscribe @mellymbee @jasminedragoon @lemonmeli @reds-ramblings @arizonadaydreamer @mumma-moonchild @blackroseguzzi @candypeaches16 @kittenlittle24 @wrappedinfiction @oatmeaiboy @pedritosdarling @winchestergypsy90 @imnotdatboii @lalalalemonade11

[crowisinthetrash]

Hello everyone! Haven't been on here in a while again

Sooo a little update on life is that someone I've had a crush on since year 7-8 (I think? It's been a while, but I dont remember the exact year level). I have been chatting with me for a few days, and my feelings are definitely reawakened when I text him. Like I perk up at every notification, I'm aware of how much I smile when I see his messages and everything

So he has me in tiktok, insta and discord and I hope he doesn't have a tumblr and find this post 😅 but ANYWAYS I don't get worried that he's ignoring me because he explained to me that he feels bad since he's moving (to my state suqiaieusu) and has a habit of not touching his phone for a few days. I also know he enjoys his alone time, so I'm trying to tone down how much I send because I don't want to spam him 😭😭

Though they did say he's okay with random messages throughout the day as long as I understand I'm not ignoring him so I don't know whether I'm just overthinking that I'm coming off as annoying or something because I do genuinely not want him to be overwhelmed by messages 😭

Also, we both have chatted, and I know they are into steven universe (obvi), minecraft, elden ring, dead by daylight, my hero academia, jjk, cats and that he cosplays and crossdresses. He also likes a few things we like, so yeah! Also for music he told me about his favourite album and I had given it a listen (he really wasn't kidding when he said it was sad) He also goes by he/they, neurodivergent and mentally ill like meee. Also, potentially, he might get into genshin impact once he's moved and settled in. I've also started today by sending a small question of the day sort of thing to get to know more about him when he's able to reply ^^

He's honestly the cutest and prettiest ever, and honestly, I want to squeeze him, but like in the most positive way possible, yk? Also, he reacts to my messages with little heart emojis, and it honestly makes me really giddy each time and it's just.. wiqiqooicwiiqjdiw

ALSO, my tiktok recently keeps giving me initial type tiktoks, and our initials keep coming uo together, and it's all on romantic relationship things. Usually, I scroll and go about my day, BUT is this a coincidence anymore?? Because this had happened more than once?? what do you guys think??

Anyway, a few other things that I have going on is that I'll be seeing Mother Mother live in November, which is coming up, so that's exciting! I heard Metallica will also be coming down next year with one of my favourite bands (Evanescence), so that makes me also really excited and gives me a lot of time to save money 😅😅 Also I don't know if I told you all yet but I do have a job and that's at Subway so yeah lol

Anyway, that's it from me for what I know, if I do become dead on here again, expect some other random update like this again haha! Also let's hope he doesn't find my tumblr and see this post..

[777-letsspam]

Why you so obsessed with me?

let me try this thing out... I've never wrote on here before, I am not at the level of Tumblr, I usually write on Wattpad and y'all like two different types of stories on here. but HERE I AM. Can someone tell me what all the !!!!! is for? Y'all love exclamation marks on here...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another day at this hell-hole of a school, The Brooklyn Visions Academy. Another day of walking the halls and "accidentally" bumping into my hallway crush, Miles Morales. Another day of falling for someone who I'm pretty sure.. doesn't even know I exist.

As I go from my Algebra class to English, I see him and my breath subconsciously stops, I've literally got to remind myself to keep breathing. I turn a corner and I know he's behind because we're going to the same hallway. His classroom is right next to mine.

I slow my walking pace so I can catch a glimpse of his face and admire him without being noticed, just like I do every other day when we get to walk together. Miles is bopping his head listening to whatever was blaring in his headphones. It was so loud I could faintly hear the bass of the song, it sounded like 'Through The Wire' by Kanye West. I love Kanye and College Dropout is one of the best albums to ever come out. His whole energy just gives 'I don't give a damn about anyone else. You're living in my world.'

But enough about Kanye West and College Dropout, I get shoved by someone trying to get past me and I fall flat on my face. Ouch :/. As I'm sitting up this voice rings in my ears "Hey, are you okay?" I look up and it's Miles. His usual scowl still adorns his face and it makes my heart flutter.

"I'm- all-kay.. I mean oh-right.. Alright! I'm okay. sorry. I couldn't decide what I wanted to say.." He blew air out of his nose like those little fake laughs you do when you're on TikTok and the video is funny but not funny enough to make you laugh out loud.

"Okay weirdo." He pulls me up "Cus don't think I don't see you seeing me.." I nodded nervously and take in the warmth and softness of his hand before letting go. His hand went back to it's natural habitat in Miles' pants pocket and we continued walking down the hall.

"Sorry..." I whispered and looked down, nervously walking next to him. He looked me up and down, smirking. I could feel his eyes wandering my body and in that moment I felt content with life.

"Don't apologize, I know I'm eye candy... what I don't know is you... I don't get it, you're just a cute little softie. You look like you go after A's on your test, not "bad boys" so.. why you so obsessed with me?" I was slightly taken aback by the question- the whole statement actually. "uh.. well.. uhm.." I played with the hem of my shirt. " You're pretty and I like your energy. You've also got this uhm... swagger-? to you and it's more admirable than I'd like to admit."

Miles shook his head "I'm no one to admire, I promise. I'm no role-model." we arrived at our separate classes and he stopped at the door. "I don't know why you're so infatuated with me but, you don't have to stare. it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I don't bite, Y/N." and he walks into his class.

He knows my name...

HOW DOES HE KNOW MY NAME????

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay and bro and hear me out. i ate a little, i did. that being said, what do you guys think? idk man, i might've wrote 42 miles a little too nice, idk idk... pls give me feedback, idk what this audience wants

***repost***

[couldawouldashoulda50]

As usual: great chapter!! Loren and William’s chemistry is so well written and amazing! I want that energy in any relationship with a man now. It’s so sexual but like intimate and light and fluffy. Like just him kissing her shoulders when they reunite at the end of the night made me feel all giddy, and then her just wanting to be with him in a corner of a club, just cause she likes him.

Excited for the Paris trip and let’s hope Margot doesn’t embarrass herself too much. Like even if she’s probably a bit superficial and all, having a crush on guy (even if it’s also a surface level type of crush) and then you end up sleeping with him, but that night is the catalyst for him to realize that he’s still wants and needs this other girl (and he thinks of her while you are both fucking); that’s so embarrassing 😳 I would be mortified…

But at the same time, William never lead her to believe that they were more than a one night stand, and if it was agreed on, like can’t blame him. And he made pretty clear not just verbally, but his actions during that moment were detached, no intimacy, and purely primal/sexual…But I can’t blame Margot for being delusional and surely Isla hyping her up and William did not help!

Anyhow, you are great and thanks for providing us with a great story that just keeps growing and growing. Hope you don’t get tired of Loren and William even after this story. The way you write about feeling and intimacy is really well done: I have read your other William AU with singer reader, and it’s also really well done!

Thanks and have a nice week and honestly, don’t doubt yourself too much: you are a very good writer 💕

This is such an amazingly thoughtful note, Nonnie - I am not even sure I know where to begin. I just really appreciate knowing that the emotion is being felt (I am a very emotion-based person lol). You've brought up some really excellent points regarding Margot. She originally in my mind was only meant to be that catalyst to make William realize how much he was truly longing for Loren - she did her part and then I didn't really give her much thought beyond that. But then, I began to realize that she's young and maybe a bit impressionable - and she slept with William...so it's likely that she would have a lot of residual feelings from that, despite knowing deep down, she's not the one for him. Isla is sort of someone that is a bit careless with people's feelings so absolutely, her trying to orchestrate things between William and Margot was not helpful. It's was a last minute thought to have her watching him and Loren in the club, as it will lend itself to a very crucial moment later on.

I not entirely sure what I'm going to do once the Loren and William story ends. I have a lot of ideas for actual short blurbs (no mammoth 11k parts but actual short stories - I think I can do it 😆) - but sometimes it seems that the fics are sort of low-key flops, just in terms of interactions. They're just not hugely popular - and I'm ok with that - but I do put a ton of time into these (especially when I should be doing other things, but that's on me) and I was honestly weighing out whether I would keep writing on here or not.

But this - your note makes me think differently, and I am so thankful that you take the time to write in with your thoughts. The William x singer lived in my head for so long prior to ever finding Tumblr - I would love to get back to her someday.

Thank you so much again Nonnie - you really made my day.