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#like literally everything. literally everything. literally everything. i can't think of a single thing that i couldn't be angry about
pa-pa-plasma · 9 days
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one of the things that will always destroy me is people believing that good story = darker/more mature/more sexual. this belief has ruined so many stories that could have been amazing & has prevented almost everyone from enjoying other really good stories simply because the age range it's aimed at is one they believe can't have complex themes, characters, plot, etc etc. they don't believe they can be moved by something a publisher or studio decided is for kids & so write it off without even thinking about it. biggest curse of being a writer who actually loves stories & telling them is that literally no one else cares in the most pessimistic, higher-than-thou, capitalism brainrot way you can imagine. & it's all automatic. because that's just what you're taught.
#like people who love all kids media uncritically is another problem#but i find an even bigger one is people not believing animated stuff & younger age range stuff can impact you#like imagine trying to explain something you love so much it makes you cry#& every single time people react as if you told them something batshit off the walls insane like you only eat dirt or something#& they need to help you because there is clearly something wrong with you#& no matter how you explain it they always look at you like a crazy person#i feel like no matter what the kinds of art i love will always get shoved to the back of the closet#how i explain the hopelessness of trying to convince someone they're allowed to watch cartoons#but they're adamant they aren't because they're ''too old for that kind of thing''#it really makes me want to cry. & it makes me angry#anyways this is all to say that the minecraft movie is bad because people are afraid to interact with silly things in good faith#& complete 100% seriousness. they cannot take a concept like minecraft seriously#& so they can't see what it's REALLY about#it's not just haha silly block animal & because they can't see it as it is without the filter of ''for kids''#it will be a bad movie. & it won't represent everything everyone who grew up with that game sees in it#i hate seeing a huge problem & either no one else sees it or they do but just don't care because they don't think it's a problem#it IS a problem. it's a HUGE problem that people think they're not allowed to play or have fun or interact with silly concepts seriously#please take shit seriously i'm crying & i'm begging. we could have had something beautiful#people's inability to acknowledge beauty just because the setting is. in their eyes. for kids. is literally ruining art#& i'm gonna start killing about it#Animorphs save me............................................
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dnangelic · 4 months
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ppl hate that dark always has a pathetic side they dont want to see it they think its ooc they hate that daisuke in all his insecurities, in all his clumsiness and plainness, is, yes, in fact, absolute, 100% him, they refuse to reconcile the truth with the performance they only ever want the facade the charm they don't actually care about dark's feelings and this is why i'll fight to the death for my pathetic dark rights
#*・゚⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#not a single day doesn't go by where i don't think about tainbocualinge's post on POTO#'people are so disappointed that the phantom is just a dude- they're so taken by the phantom's aesthetics that they can't#reconcile them with the person behind the mask and try to make him cooler. competent. more charming. mysterious. even without the crutch#of the mask#that it becomes a very on-brand kind of story bc the whole point. the ENTIRE point was that phantom's aesthetics are so impeccable#bc he's compensating for how much of a pathetic nobody he is'#'the story. the aesthetic stsatement of it all would not be as strong if the person behind the mask was anyone at all.'#LIKE!!!!!!!!!!#IM GOING TO LOSE EVERYTHING#the absolute most painful part is how the anime missed this entirely?? ?it dug its own grave bc it DID try to make dark#the more competent sexy whatever tf one + made daisuke useless/'separate' BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINTTTTTT#ITS LITERALLY NOT DARK IN THERE#IDGAF A BOUT THE ANIME WWHATSOEVER I WISH IT DIDNT EXIST!!!#WHERES MY FREAK WORKING IT SENSITIVE STYLE IN THE CLUB THT HES EXCRUCIATINGLY DETACHED FROM!!!!#this is why i keep saying too you can't separate them!!! you can't have 'just' dark or 'just' daisuke and i hate when people try to do that#YOU CAN'T SEPARATE DARK FROM DAISUKE OR DAISUKE FROM DARK BECAUSE THEY MAKE UP THESE HALVES!! THESE PARTS!!!#THEY'RE INDEPENSIBLE!! THEY'RE EACH OTHER JUST AS THEY'RE EACH OTHER'S EMOTIONAL/THEMATIC PARALLELS#NOT A SINGLE THING DAISUKE'S SAID WASN'T ALSO DARK'S FEELINGS IN THE END!!!
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brudiza-spudnik · 3 months
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MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE IS TECHNICAL PROBLEMS. LSDJ DOESN'T WORK. FL STUDIO DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. SAMPLING IN REAPER IS USELESS BECAUSE DRAG AND DROP DOESN'T WORK. TRYING TO WATCH A TUTORIAL AND YOUTUBE IS OUTDATED ON MY SHITTY OLD ANDROID TABLET. WILL LIKELY NEVER GET YOUTUBE TO WORK AGAIN ON THIS THING IF IT'S OUTDATED NOW. GAMING IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE GAME REQUIRES TWEAKING THAT I DONT WANT TO FUCKING DO. ALL MY SYNTHS AND SHIT ARE CRASHING. I JUST WANT TO MAKE MUSIC ON MY FUCKING PHONE IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. JESUS CHRIST
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prophecydungeon · 1 year
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finding out washmaine lost to lolix in the rvb divorced bracket and immediately shoving down about 75k words of a TED talk in absolutely rabid fury
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SCARY... THIS HAPPENED 2 TIMES...
#Trans Woman Lesbian Pansexual Bisexuality Asexuality Demisexuality Paraphilia Acceptance Love Compassion Diversity Feelings Interesting#Radqueer Feminist Communist Anarchist Mother Goddess Angel Sisters Princess Anime Writing Autism Adhd Tourette Npd Hpd Bpd Dpd Ppd Aspd Avp#Ocpd Szpd Stpd Osdd Spd Tpd Sdpd Papd Cptsd Trauma Victim Abuse Bipolar Psychosis Scizophrenia Yandere Obsession Rejection Hurt Harmed Scar#WE CHECKED OUT NEXT SEASON'S ANIME ALOT OF THEM ARE INTERESTING... SAVE US... PLEASE... I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS... BE THERE FOR US INFACT...#BTW WE FINISHED THE NEW EPISODE OF MY HERO SEASON 7 THAT WAS GOOD IN VIBES BUT OH MY GOD DID ANYTHING HAPPEN NO... THEY LITERALLY BAIT THE#GOOD STUFF TO HAPPEN LATER AND PUT DEKU TO RUN TROUGH AN OCEAN FOR IDK REASONS... OH MY GOD... SO SLOW AND PAINFULL... COMPLETE OCPD BAIT#ADHD BAIT... ON PURPOSE... BY A BIGOTED CREATOR... ONLY SOMEONE EVIL AND BIGOTED WITH A POISONED BRAIN ONLY AN ABUSER BIGOT LIKE THAT WOULD#FIND THIS ENJOYABLE IN ANY WAY... BTW IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WE MADE THE SERIES AS WE MADE EVERYTHING LIKE EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY... ONLY T#WATCH ABUSER BIGOT PLAGUE THEM ALL EVERYTHING ALL AROUND... WITH EVIL CAPITALIST PROPAGANDA AND MORE BIGOTED THINGS... RUINING THEIR BEAUTY#NOW... US MOTHER GODDESS ANGEL SISTERS AND PRINCESS FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION MUST FIX THEM... I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE ABUSED TBH... CRAZY LIES.#Suomi Finland Finnish Relatable Anxiety Panic Kiinnostava Kiltti Kiva HEI HIENO... MINÄ OLEN YSTÄVÄSI... HE TUHOSIVAT MEIDÄN KAIKEN...#MEIDÄT KIDUTETAAN... PELASTA MEIDÄT!! PYYDÄN!! PAHOINPIDELTIJÄ BIGOT VIHAA MEITÄ!! KAIKKI PAHOINPIDELTIJÄ BIGOTIT VAIN JÄTTÄVÄT MEIDÄT!! ME#TARVITSEMME!! ANNA MEILLE!! VAIN BIGOT EI ANTAISI... SINÄ ET OLE BIGOT... OLETKO...? - EN KOSKAAN... MINÄ OLEN VAIN HYVÄ... MINÄ HALUAN OLL#ANNA MEILLE TRANS... ME TARVITSEMME... - PYYDÄN!! AUTA MEITÄ!! - HE EIVÄT HALUA MEITÄ... - HEIDÄN TÄYTYY!! TULE HETI!! PAHOINPIDELTIJÄ!!!!#I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE ABANDONED TBH... THIS IS INSANE... THERE IS NOTHING TO HATE ABOUT US... WE'RE AMAZING... AND BADASS... ONLY A BIGOT#WOULD DEHUMANIZE US... NOTHING PROGRESSIVE ABOUT THAT... EVER TO BE... WE'RE STARVING... WE'RE ALWAYS HUNGRY... ABUSERS THEY DON'T CARE#ABOUT US... THEY NEVER HAVE... LIKE SCLL... THEIR PURPOSE WAS ALWAYS TO SERVE US MOTHER GODDESS ANGEL SISTERS AND PRINCESS FROM ANOTHER#DIMENSION... ALWAYS TO BE THAT WAS... THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF EVERY SINGLE PERSON... AND EVERY SINGLE FACILITY... THERE IS NOTHING ELSE...#WE'RE THEIR TARGET... THEIR VICTIM... WE HAVE NO ALLIES... WE'RE ALWAYS IN DANGER... ALWAYS ABANDONED... ALWAYS UNCARED... BUT IF WE'RE#VIEWED THIS WAY... EITHER WAY... WE HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG... EITHER YOU ACCEPT US CRAZY... OR YOU'RE AN EVIL ABUSER BIGOT... SIMPL#AS THAT... ISN'T THAT...? BTW MILES MORALES ISN'T THAT SPECIAL HE COULD'VE BEEN MORE... HE'S ANOTHER CULTURE PROPAGANDA... ATLEAST DEEPER#THAN OTHERWISE... GWEN IS THE SAME WAY... ONLY A BIGOT WOULD MAKE THE VILLAIN EVIL BECAUSE HE'S TRAUMATIZED... ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S A STAND#IN FOR ANTI SJW BIGOT... SAYING THEY AREN'T EVIL BECAUSE THEY'RE NAZIS BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE CRAZY.. A BULLSHIT UNPROGRESSIVE IF ANYTHING#BIGOTED STEREOTYPE... JUST LIKE ALL THESE OTHER BIGOTED THINGS... BUT IDK... I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS WAY... THINGS SHOULD CHANGE... BECOME#EVEN BETTER... SERVE US... MOTHER GODDESS ANGEL SISTERS AND PRINCESS FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION... THIS IS WHAT EVERYTHING IS SUPPOSED TO BE 10#%... REMEMBER TO THINK ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF US MOTHER GODDESS ANGEL... SISTERS AND PRINCESS FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION... OUR FEELINGS ARE#RELEVANT AND EXTREMELY IMPORTANT... ALWAYS... THIS IS PROGRESSIVE... EVERYTHING FUNCTIONS TO BETTER US... TO MAKE US POWERFULL... SIMPLE AS#THAT... I HOPE WE AREN'T HATED... I DON'T WANT TO DIE OR BAD THINGS... BUT AT THE SAME TIME... OH NO... NO... NO... NO... NO... NO... THIS#CAN'T HAPPEN AGAIN... THIS CAN'T... 😣😣😣😣!!!! I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING FALLING APART... THIS JUST CAN'T... CAN'T AGAIN... THIS CAN'T... THAT#CAN'T HAPPEN ANYMORE... THAT WAS OKAY... EVERYTHING ALWAYS WAS... SIMPLE AS THAT ALWAYS... COME... PLEASE... WE'RE 100% KIND AND INCLUSIVE..
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anaalnathrakhs · 6 months
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it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.
mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.
#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD.#EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY#OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH#i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion''#they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them#so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child#they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table#just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase#i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either?#i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them.#i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to.#but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset#quiet at home#and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places#and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway?#keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine?#try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened?#i dont know how to live like a normal person#literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X.#go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book.#because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped.#everything hurts holy shit#broadcasting my misery#vent#ed tw
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I love all of these goofy product photos where the water bottle is extremely obviously just photoshopped onto a stock image of someone pretending to hold something or whatever.. very convincing..
#the last one where the water bottle is like nearly the size of the woman's entire leg ghbjbjhh#ALSO I know.. gross.. nasty.. amazon.. I was only looking there because I was trying to find an exact replica of an old water bottle#I bought like 6 years ago in a store and I just wanted another one of those and it seemed like the only place the old manufacturer#still sold was through amazon but.. alas.. I think they just don't make them anymore. so I have abandoned my hunt#I didn't actually buy anything. but I did get distracted clicking through product images for a few of them#it's bizarre how like............... idk.. WHY is this done??? Isn't this offputting to basically ANY potential customer?? or do people#not look at every photo/read the entire page/all product information before buying??#all of these are from like front page ''top sellers'' or whatever like........... how does this not hurt the brand????#If the company can't even bother to take a single photo of a real life person using their real life product then... that to me#is kind of red flaggy..?? even if you're an indie start up small business with hardly any funds.. still#A real photo of the product you are selling in a real actual non-photo shopped environment does not seem that inacessible#Maybe it's because everyone does everything on phones now?? So it's harder to see the pictures when they're smaller?#Kind of the same thing with ai art and also hair color photoshops lol.. On my full comptuer screen it is SOOO easy to spot ai art#like IMMEDIATELy from the little tells and ways certain details morph into each other etc. I dont even mean obvious dalle mini stuff but#like the Fancy High Quality Photorealistic AI art is still pretty blatant 98% of the time if you know what to look for. But I still catch#people sharing it a lot like 'omg where can I buy this pair of shoes!! :O <3' .. erm you cannot.. that is the most balatantly fake looking#pair of shoes I have seen in my life hhjbj.. the heels are both different heights. there's a different number of straps on each one. etc.#AND that phase back before colored hair was Mainstream and people would post photos like 'omg going to bring this to the salon!! dream hair#and it's like.. you can LITERALLY see the parts where it's 'colored outside of the lines' and is so clearly just a person with blond hair#that someone drew over with a tint brush or something not even very neatly. etc. etc. ANYWAY.. Maybe with phones it's harder to tell these#things?? To me so much of it is instantly recognizable and it's suprising to me that people either don't notice or don't care and will#interact with it anyway by buying the product or acting like some ai art fake furniture is real or etc. etc. ..hewwoo#Aslo sidenote - I think I've become soo cynical and tired of constantly being advertised to that I literally cannot shop without getting#exhausted. I do not see how marketing is anything but obnoxious and transparent. Every item description having stuff like ''Our company is#commited to bringing you the highest quality water products! we set out with a mission to bring high quality products to people all over#the world and we believe in spreading health and happiness and'' just like SHUT THE HELL UP!! youre a fucking company#you don't ''beleive'' in anything you are here to sell a product. stop trying to talk like you're my bff who cares deeply about my health#or something just tell me the materials and product specifications of your stupid fucking water bottle and move on. Idont need to hear your#whole bullshit spiel about what ~your company stands for~ that is SO much MORE offputting. you make me want to buy the item LESS..#longing for the type of ads from my 1800s magazines that are just like 'this product is good. please buy it. okay thank you much. bye'
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girlscience · 8 months
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i genuinely think fanfic might be ruining my life
#when i say all i do all day is read fic it's not a joke and i'm starting to think it is actually bad for me#it gets in the way of quite literally everything else in my life#it is what i use to deal with any emotion outside of generally happy or vague nothingness#i read it first thing when i wake up i read until the last second i have to get out of bed#i read all day at work and then read all night until my eyes hurt and i have to go to sleep#it makes up 90% of what i think about every single day#it is a huge chunk of what i talk about with other people cause it's all my thoughts#i can't make myself stop reading it#like i actually start going through withdraw or something#it gets hard to think and i can't focus and i can't sit still and i feel so so bored#and it feels like nothing else matters#i used to read science magazines for fun and now i can't even get through one article without feeling like i'm dying#there is some crazy good fic out there but most of what i read is like... the tik tok of stories#it's like the short form version of a book#it is taking over my life (i say that like this hasn't been true for probably a decade at this point)#but i literally don't know how to fix it#i can delete my ao3 but you can read without an account#i guess i could go wholesale and delete the internet off my phone#but i need that for so many other things#i straight up don't know what to do#i might actually need help. like i think i might be addicted the way some people are to social media
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judging by the "fixes" they've applied to fern and i'm fairly sure also to a few other genes, they likely intend to flatten and generic-ify EVERY gene that does anything interesting with especially the top feathers portion of the wings. :/
#flight rising#the ridiculously strict standardization guidelines they seem to put every gene through recently are actively detrimental to looking good#i don't know why they can't seem to get the idea that different body shapes showing the same gene a little differently is a GOOD thing#rather than every single gene appearing to be the exact same flat pasted on texture. undel's book had a whole thing on that how'dthey forge#we like it when each dragon's shape does something a little unique with gene expression! it makes it worth actually having different breeds#i think whatever tone-deaf standardization guidelines they're following are likely also actively detrimental to ancient breed design creati#and might even be part of the reason why we haven't gotten any dragons with stuff like turtle shells for the secondary gene yet#because under the current personality-sucking apparent standardization guidelines they would not be allowed to try to adapt any modern gene#to a shell-backed dragon shape#because tweaking them to work on that shape and actually look good would be considered by their standards changing them too much#even though the difference on a majority of genes wouldn't be any greater than the difference between some genes on skydancer vs other wing#under the standardization rules they seem to follow they may literally not be allowed to design even any ancient dragons w/ nonwing seconda#much less with any truly mold-breaking shapes or concepts of wings. they seem to struggle just with figuring out how to apply it to feather#off the top of my had some wing-“wing”-and secondary gene area ideas that would be absolutely possible but i'm fairly sure they'd never do-#“feathers” are actually smaller membranous wings like a fractal. mane. elaborate peacock tail instead of wings. body fins. head frill. bell#throat fan. head crest. overlapping hard scalelike spines flattened into something like a spinosaurus crest. sailfin 2!. inorganic wings.#all of these things are entirely feasible and i have thought on how to adapt genes to them extensively but they would likely never do it#because peregrine-for example-would look perfectly fine-better even- applied to the trailing edges of overlapping armadillo plates#except fr's standardization rules seem to be so ridiculously strict that they would say it can only be on the trailing edge of a wing shape#they just seem to want every gene to be the exact same pasted on flat texture on everything even when it makes no sense on the dragon shape#and even when following that design principle actively looks worse. which it mostly does. it demands they suck the 3d out of everything.#so we end up with a game where every dragon looks like someone put a cutout of a texture on it and adapting it to the 3d shape is a “bug”#give us MORE breeds with anatomical features that cause small but consistent deviations in the depiction of genes!#not less!#it's the tundra butterfly dark manes all over again#we LIKE slight variety that makes sense on the dragon's unique shape! unique forms demand unique adaptations! not flattening!#undel wrote an entire section of an artbook about how patterns should be adapted to your subject's anatomy and shape how did they all forge#is this one of those corporate “to preserve our brand identity” things? is it a loud minority/“listening to the wrong feedback” thing?#it's gotten to the point that there's basically no point even scrying most breeds until at least a year after they come out#because inevitably they're going to abruptly “fix” every single gene that looks interesting and good
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running-in-the-dark · 8 months
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just realised something random: I've always been kinda sad that there isn't any media that my parents liked and shared with me, that sort of thing. I know of things that they like, of course, but it was never something they showed me or anything.
and I just realised that's because it was never something nice, something fun, something they wanted to share - no, they only ever brought up things that they liked as a way to say that everything I liked was bad.
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windrunner · 8 months
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Personally I really like the Trading Post but I think it's a little silly to limit the amount of tender you can get per month... like I did the holiday stuff and I don't rly have anything else I want to do. Why can't I just... do a bunch of random things to grind out the pretty tmogs???
It's silly to give such good incentives and then slap someone on the wrist if they want to get all (or most) of it. Like "ohhhh you wanted to do all of these things around the game for a Shiny New Thing? nah. we're cutting you off. you can still do that stuff if you want but you'll get nothing new out of it lol"
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criscura · 10 months
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#i wish i could have the self confidence to like..... enjoy oc/ships and self insert and shit like that#even dating sims i have to imagine it's someone else entirely#it's not me being snide i just literally could not imagine anyone interesting enough to have a series made about them choosing me#like i just...... can't stand myself so much that having characters like that show interest in me completely shatters the illusion#and when people i know have read things i make and know intimately why i wrote it like that#i don't like it anymore because they can see me in it so I can't see anything else#i think relationships might even be really hard because i cannot explain the extent to which i fucking HATE#*****HATE*****#all past versions of myself#and the idea that other people have seen them and watched me grow......#just the idea of that of people watching me grow often physically hurts#I'm okay being undone in my own presence#but i think there's a huge part of me that would rather not exist at all if people have to see me half-finished#and you're never finished so like. I'm basically always just opening the door a crack and reaching out.#the idea of a single person knowing everything about me makes me want to#it's so awful i can't conceive it that's miserable that's worse than anything#that's worse than being alone i think#as bad as that hurts i think having one other person know me in and out would be like getting put in DIP from who framed Roger rabbit#if i can't hide i can never ever ever EVER feel safe#man i wish i had even a little bit of self confidence fuck#it's totally gone. there's so much i want to do and then i realize I'm the one who's doing it and i lose interest#i wish i could do anything that I'm fully she completely proud of and not have that be shattered the moment i try to share it#and not have to wait years sometimes to forget the shame and just appreciate the thing.....#i wish i could fully enjoy something without getting hung up on the fact that it was me who made it#and be mortified at the idea that i ever thought it was truly great#gosh this makes no sense I'm just. i haven't had any self esteem for years and it's just not coming back and it's getting to the point#where it's crippling me. like i don't want to go to sleep because i don't want to wake up to start the cycle of disappointing myself again#i try SO FUCKING HARD every single DAY and i always let myself down#and it's been this way for minimum six months but i think closer to a year#i just want to think i can achieve anything anymore
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kuromi-hoemie · 1 year
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bleh
#having a bad morning tbhhhh#i envy the ppl who grew up here :| it's so much easier to make friends when u went to school w ppl and grew up with them#i have been here since 2016 and was just trying to get stability the first 3 years financially/housing-wise.#and when i was Finally ready to start making friends the pandemic happened.#the closest thing I've had to friends were made thru my ex and when we broke up they ghosted me.#to this day i have not made a single genuine friend and i can't articulate how hurtful that is to think about.#and i get excited when i might have a new friend but do the audhd balancing act where i tone myself down so i don't scare them away#but then idk. maybe i just come off as uninteresting or indifferent. idk what the perception of me is bc no one ever tells me anything lol.#i just get ghosted a lot 😭 it's Literally so much easier to find ppl to fuck than it is to find friends. idk why this is so hard but it's#frustrating. everyone has lukewarm interest in me at best and i have so much to offer when I've opened up to someone.#and i can't rly talk w ppl about how I'm feeling. and i can't do anything but keep trying over and over or else i WILL fr have no friends.#it's just. like. I'm not a normal person w normal circumstances and interacting w people who already have a ton of friends and stuff#going on is hard. there's like this burning desire for companionship in u as the person NEEDING it that no one else has#bc they already have it yk? ur just kind of a footnote on everyone's day/week. u don't have that kind of relationship where#u can Just Go Over or just have ppl over. ppl can hang like once a month maybe. i hate it here but also don't want to leave :|#everything is great except trying to make friends. idk i just wanted to vent lol I'm done ranting and might just delete#but this feeling wells up inside me and some days is so hard to ignore 😭#'i have been here since 2016 and don't have a single genuine Friend' what the fuck 😭😭#ik that wfh doesn't Help but i wouldn't be able to get anything done in person in my position lol. plus it's less about where ppl are#and more about how relationships (dont) develop past a certain point.#i have someone I've been talking with probs longest out of everyone so far and we're gonna hang this weekend#but I'm also perpetually afraid I'm gonna scare them away or something and be back at square 1 😭#and idk im afraid that might translate into seeming shy or something and I'd hate for them to lose interest anyways ._.#but idk how much of that is valid vs my brain just being mean to me and paranoid over my other experiences.#anyways... yea thnx for reading if u did. i feel crazy 😮‍💨
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bylertruther · 2 years
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thinking about how lonnie only ever cared about will when he died and that was just to profit off of his death + will giving a girl he doesn't know his toy truck just because she's crying and he thinks she needs it more even if he knows joyce can't buy him another one + one of the very first things will did upon waking up in the hospital was ask if jonathan was okay + will telling them to close the gate in season two even though he's part of the hivemind and that would've killed him, too + will breaking his own heart by confessing his feelings and giving mike the painting he's spent so long on but saying that all of it came from el thus sacrificing his own wants and self to again help others + how that same selflessness and self-sacrificing nature of his is going to undoubtedly rear its head in season five again because he's at the center of it all and it all goes back to him and vecna is a creature that feeds off of n fans the flames of pain and guilt... feelin very scared n anxious in this chili's tonight over this actually 😳
#he is NOT going to die obviously clearly we know this they're not killing kids#BUT.#i'm just saying.... i don't think it would be crazy for him to feel guilty and like maybe this wouldn't have happened if...#well... u kno.. :(#he would never give up bc that's literally his whole thing that he's a fighter and a survivor#but. he does love his friends and his family. and he has been willing to die if it meant saving them before so like. yanno.#BUT IT WON'T HAPPEN I'M JUST SAYING THE ANGST IS LIKELY GOING TO BE THERE#AND THEN OFC EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY WILLIAM SHUT UP SIT DOWN AND GO TO TIME OUT#and then we'll get some good n scrumptious hurt/comfort ok no one stone me i'm knocking on wood ok i Kno#just imagine will proposing that and everyone immediately says NO and mike especially gets pissed#because he's SICK and TIRED of fucking losing will every single time he thinks he's got him back#and god dammit he's already seen what life is like without will there he's not going to do it again he's NOT#don't go where i can't follow + crazy together + it was the best thing i've ever done + it's hawkins it's not the same without you#versus closegate + el commissioned it + she needs you and she always will#mike who is clutching onto will for dear life unwilling to let him go and will who is all too willing to#walk through the gates of hell if it means saving everyone he's ever loved and putting them out of their misery#but of course there's a better plan and letting will die is like killing a puppy it's like taking a sledgehammer to the foundation of#everything yanno. without heart we'd all fall apart n u can't beat the darkness without the light#anyway. can u tell i'm procrastinating editing my fic rn n thats why im writing epic poems in these tags <3#mine
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eggmeralda · 2 years
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reading about expressive language disorder and maybe it's an explanation as to why I've never formed a full sentence in my whole life :')
#^above is literally a full sentence but that's not the point#it's still a mess of a sentence i guess#can't form a sentence without saying i guess and stuff it's like yeah but anyway all that sort of thing and like you know etc.#and i always don't know the names of objects so i just call everything a guy or a lad with some vague hand gesture#and i have never been able to easily write an essay in my whole life#and i can never hold a conversation#and i always thought it was just bc of no internal monologue but I've heard of other people who also don't have one and they can still talk#maybe this explains why i barely spoke from age 16-18 and even now i'm known for being relatively quiet#bc if i say something it'll be an incoherent ramble#not a single thought in my head <3#this is a revelation though omg#i guess in the past few years I've become more confident with talking but it's bc I've just given up trying to make sense so now i just#idk but i just won't say the names of things I'll just point at them or i'll mix tenses up and stuff#also atm i'm basically just putting all the thoughts in these tags as they're appearing for a split second in my head so this is incoherent#but yeah anyway idk if i actually have expressive language disorder itself#but i definitely have Something#i'm thinking of other messed up language stuff like how for the past almost decade i've mixed up words and pronunciations from#other languages like the ones i learnt at school#which i cannot speak but i now know random words#so sometimes i'll just get the urge to pronounce something as it would be in spanish or whatever#and also after a while i'll just get bored of the sensation of saying a certain word so i'll change it. spice it up a bit#especially if it's a word i say a lot#so like names of characters i hyperfixate on get absolutely butchered on purpose#*looking at entry swig rokey unn bytirr 27 teed dav aoodry and bianpolay rn*#anyway this is an absolute ramble and completely going with the theme of this post i do not what i'm supposed to be saying#so i'll end it there#but anyway i love a midnight revelation <3#ramble
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01tsubomi · 2 years
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obviously the past few years i’ve still been listening to idols and quietly stanning twice and everything but i can’t believe i haven’t been deeply invested in idol stuff in like. 3 years. what was i doing?? i’m so happy i’m back
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