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borisbubbles · 4 years ago

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Character analysis: Vivienne de Fer (Dragon Age Inquisition)

So, if you’ve wondered where I popped off to the past two months or so, I’m going to give you an answer - I finally bought Dragon Age Inquisition (legit on my gaming wishlist since its 2014 release) and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since.

The main draw to this game however, isn’t so much the gameplay (if you want a game that feels similar but has better gameplay - Assassin’s Creed Odyssey is what you’d want instead), but the storytelling and particularly the character development are top notch. All nine companions are fascinating and fleshed out in such a realistic manner I’m still gasping in awe on my fifth playthrough. Thus, a post on it is in order. It’s a bit different from my usual content, but don’t let that discourage you - clearing my head from Dragon Age will allow me to let Eurovision back in and continue my unfinished 2020 ranking. In this post, I will be analyzing one of DAI’s most interesting characters - none other than Madame de Fer herself, Vivienne. Now, I’m under the impression that this is a rather unpopular opinion but I absolutely love Vivienne. And no, I won’t apologize for it. As a Templar-thumping elitist with a icy, sardonic demeanor the sheer ‘Idea Of A Vivienne’ is meant to make your head spin. Dragon Age has always been a franchise in which mages are a socially surpressed group and to be confronted with a socially confident enchantress who likes Templars and seemingly supports the social shunning out of her own ambition is the walking embodiment of flippancy.

and yet, I feel a lot of sympathy for Vivienne.

Yes, she’s a bitch. She knows she’s one and she’s a-ok with it. I won’t argue with that. Sadly, the “Vivienne is a bitch” rhetoric also drastically sells her short. Vivienne is highly complex and her real personality is as tragic as it is twisted.

Madame de Fer

So let’s start with what we are shown on the surface. Vivienne is a high-ranking courtier from an empire notable for its deadly, acid-laced political game. She seemingly joins the Inquisition for personal gain, to acrue reputation and power, and eventually be elected Divine (= female pope) at the end of the game. She presents herself as a despicable blend of Real Housewife, Disney Villain, and Tory Politician, all rolled into one ball of sickening, unctuous smarm. Worse, the Inquisitor has no way to rebuke Vivienne’s absurd policies and ideas. You can’t argue with her, convince her to listen to your differing viewpoints or even kick her out the Inquisition. She has a way with words where she can twist arguments around in such a fashion that she lands on top and makes the other person look like the irrational party.

“Thus speaks the Inquisitor who has made so many mature and level-headed choices so far. Such as releasion malcontents upon the population without safeguards to protect them should they turn into abominations. Very wise. I rearranged some furniture. Lives aren’t thrown into jeopardy by my actions. Perhaps a little perspective is needed.”

She’s Cersei Lannister on creatine, Dolores Umbridge on motherfucking roids. If you look at merely the surface, then yes, Vivienne looks like the worst person ever created. I love a good anti-villainess however, and she’s definitely one.

Yet, she never actually does anything ‘evil’? Yes, she is ‘a tyrant’ as a Divine, but 1) the person saying this is Cassandra, whose dislike for mage freedom is only matched by her dislike of being sidelined 2) Divine Vivienne isn’t bad to mages either? (hold that thought, I’ll get to it). She never actually sabotages the Inquisition, no matter how low her approval with the Inquisitor gets. She never attempts to stop them, no matter how annoyed she is. She’s one of the most brutally honest companions in the cast, in fact. (It always surprises me people call her a ‘hypocrite’ - you keep using that word and it doesn’t mean what you think it means.) The ‘worst’ display of character is when she attempts to break up Sera and the Inquisitor and even then - are we going to pretend Sera isn’t a toxic, controlling girlfriend with a huge chip on her shoulder? I love Sera, but come on.

Vivienne is a character where the storytelling rule of Show, Don’t Tell is of vital importance. The Orlesian empire is an empire built around posturing and reputation. Nobody really shows their true motivations or character, and instead builds a public façade. It’s like how the Hanar (the Jellyfish people) in Mass Effect have a Public name they use in day-to-day life, and a Personal Name for their loved-ones and inner circle. Vivienne’s ‘Public Visage’ is that of Madame de Fer - this is the Vivienne who openly relishes in power, publicly humiliates grasping anklebiters with passive-aggressive retorts, the woman who is feared and loathed by all of Orlais, and this is the Face you see for most of the game.

The real beauty of Vivienne’s character and the reason why I love her as much as I do (which is to say - a LOT) are the few moments when - what’s the phrase DigitalSpy love so much - Her Mask Slips, and you get a glimpse of the real woman underneath the hennin.

This is the Vivienne who stands by you during the Siege of Haven and approves of you when you save the villagers from Corypheus’s horde.

This is the Vivienne who comforts you when you lament the losses you suffered.

This is the Vivienne who admires you for setting an example as a mage for the rest of Thedas.

This is the Vivienne who worries about Cole’s well-being during his personal quest, momentarily forgetting who or what he is.

This is the Vivienne who, when her approval for the Inquisitor reaches rock bottom, desperately reminds him of the suffering mages go through on a day-to-day basis because of the fear and hatred non-mages are bred to feel towards them and how this can spiral into more bloodshed without safeguards.

This is the Vivienne who shows how deep her affection for Bastien de Ghislain truly is, by bringing you along during his dying moments. I love this scene btw. This is the only moment in the entire game where Vivienne is actually herself in the presence of the Inquisitor - needless to say, I consider anyone who deliberately spikes her potion a motherfucking psychopath ^_^)

“There is nothing here now” fuck I *almost* cried at Vivienne, get out of my head BioWare, this is WRONG -- people who delude themselves this is an irredeemable character.

So, who is Vivienne really?

Understanding Vivienne requires recognizing that the mask and the real woman aren’t the same person. I think her relationship with Dorian is the prime example of this. I love the Vivienne/Dorian banter train, obviously - an unstoppable force of sass colliding with an unmovable wall of smarm is nothing short of a spectacle. However, there’s more to it than their highly entertaining snipes. As the incredibly gifted son of a magister, Dorian represents everything Vivienne should despise, and should be a natural enemy to her. And yet, she doesn’t and he isn’t.. Their gilded japes at each other are nothing more than verbal sparring, not dissimilar to how Krem and Iron Bull call each other names when they beat each other with sticks. In what I think is one of the most brilliantly written interactions between characters in DAI, I present Vivienne’s reaction when the Inquisitor enters a romance with Dorian:

Vivienne: I received a letter the other day, Dorian. Dorian: Truly? It's nice to know you have friends. 🙄 Vivienne: It was from an acquaintance in Tevinter expressing his shock at the disturbing rumors about your... relationship with the Inquisitor. Dorian: Rumors you were only too happy to verify, I assume. 🙃 Vivienne: I informed him the only disturbing thing in evidence was his penmanship. 🙂 Dorian: ...Oh. Thank you. 😳 Vivienne: I am not so quick to judge, darling. See that you give me no reason to feel otherwise.

Madame de Fer can never be seen directly expressing approval to a relationship between the Herald of Andraste and an ‘Evil’ Tevinter ’Magister’. By this subtle, subtle conversation, Vivienne indirectly tells Dorian that she considers him a good match for the Inquisitor and approves of the romance. It’s one of those reasons why I could never truly dislike Vivienne - between the layers of elegant poison lies a somewhat decent woman who never loses sight of the bigger picture. Not a good person maybe, but not one without some redeeming qualities.

The crux of Vivienne’s personality is that she, like all DAI companions, is a social outcast. She’s a mage in a fantasy setting where mages are psionically linked to demons, and grew up in a country where the majority religion has openly advocated the shunning and leashing of mages (’Magic exists to serve man’ - the Chantry is so, so vile in this game.). Vivienne’s “gift” was discovered so early in her life that she can barely remember her parents. Vivienne grew up in a squalid boarding school, learning from a young age that she’s dangerous and her talents need to be tamed and curbed. She is also terrified of demons, as her banters with Cole point out:

Cole: You're afraid. You don't have to be. Vivienne: My dear Inquisitor, please restrain your pet demon. I do not want it addressing me. Inquisitor: He's not doing any harm, Vivienne. Vivienne: It's a demon, darling. All it can do is harm. Cole: Everything bright, roar of anger as the demon rears. No, I will not fall. No one will control me ever again. Cole: Flash of white as the world comes back. Shaking, hollow, Harrowed, but smiling at templars to show them I'm me. Cole: I am not like that. I can protect you. If Templars come for you, I will kill them. Vivienne: Delightful. 😑

Vivienne’s Harrowing is implied to have been such a traumatizing event to her that she’s developed a pavlovian fear of demons ever since. (Hence her hostility towards Cole.). Vivienne is fully aware of the inherent dangers of magic, and projects this onto all other mages.

Besides, given how Dragon Age has a history with mages doing all sorts of fucked up shit, ranging from blood magic, murder, demonic possession and actual terrorism (yes, *ElthinaBITCH* had it coming, but let’s not pretend like Anders/Justice was anything other than a terrorist), Vivienne’s policies of controlled monitoring and vigilance are actually significantly more sensible than the options of ‘unconditionally freeing every mage all over Thedas’ and ‘reverting back to the status quo before the rebellion’. They’re flawed policies, obviously. When Vivienne says “mages” she pictures faceless silhouettes foremost and not herself. Regardless, unlike Cassandra and Leliana, Vivienne is aware of the fear others harbour for her kind, and how hard it is to overcome such perceptions.

Additionally, Vivienne’s a foreigner. She is an ethnic Rivaini, a culture associated with smugglers and pirates (Isabela from DAO and DA2 is half-Rivaini). This adds an additional social stigma, again pointed out by Cole:

Cole: Stepping into the parlor, hem of my gown snagged, no, adjust before I go in, must look perfect. Vivienne: My dear, your pet is speaking again. Do silence it. Cole: Voices inside. Marquis Alphonse. Cole: "I do hope Duke Bastien puts out the lights before he touches her. But then, she must disappear in the dark." Cole: Gown tight between my fingers, cold all over. Unacceptable. Wheels turn, strings pull. Cole: He hurt you. You left a letter, let out a lie so he would do something foolish against the Inquisition. A trap. Vivienne: Inquisitor, as your demon lacks manners, perhaps you could get Solas to train it.

This is the only palpable example of the casual racism Vivienne has to endure on a daily basis - Marquis Alphonse is a stupid, bigoted pillowhead who sucks at The Game, but remember - Vivienne only kills him if the Inquisitor decides to be a butthurt thug. She is aware that for every Alphonse, there are dozens of greasy sycophants who think exactly like he does, and will keep it under wraps just to remain in her good graces.

Finally, there’s the social position Vivienne manufactured for herself, which is the weak point towards her character imo. Remember, this woman is a commoner by birth. She doesn’t even have a surname. Through apparently sheer dumb luck (or satanic intervention) she basically fell into the position of Personal Mage to the Duke of Ghislain. Regardless, ‘Personal mages’ were the rage in Orlesian nobility, and the prestigious families owned by them like one may own a pet or personal property. By somehow becoming Bastien de Ghislain’s mistress and using his influence, "Madame de Fer” liberated herself from all the social stigmata which should have pinned her down into a lowly courtier rank and turned the largely ceremonial office of “Court Enchanter” into a position of respect and power. This is huge move towards mage emancipation by the way, in a society where, again, Mages are feared and shunned and are constantly bullied, emasculated and taught to hate their talents. Vivienne is a shining example of what mages can become at the height of their power. Power she has, mind you, never actually abused before her Divine election. Vivienne’s actions will forever be under scrutiny not because of who she is, but because of what she is. The Grand Game can spit her out at any moment, which will likely result in her death.

Inquisitor: “You seem to be enjoying yourself, Vivienne?” Vivienne: “It’s The Game, darling. If I didn’t enjoy it, I’d be dead by now.”

Whether Vivienne was using Bastien for her own gain or whether she truly loved him isn’t a case of or/or. It’s a case of and/and. The perception that she was using Bastien makes Vivienne more fearsome and improves her position in the Grand Game, but deep down, I have no doubts truly loved him. Remember, Vivienne’s position at the Orlesian court was secure. She had nothing to gain by saving Bastien’s life, but she attempted to anyway. That Bastien’s sister is a High Cleric doesn’t matter - Vivienne can be elected Divine regardless of her personal quest’s resolution. She loved him, period.

No, I don’t think Vivienne is a good person. She treats those she deems beneath her poorly, like Sera, Solas, Cole and Blackwall (characters I like less than Vivienne), which I think is the #1 indicator for a Bad Personality. But I don’t think she qualifies as ‘Evil’ either and I refuse to dismiss the beautiful layering of her character. I genuinely believe Vivienne joined the Inquisition not just for her personal gain, but also out of idealism, similar to Dorian (again, Cole is 100% correct in pointing out the similarities between Dorian’s and Vivienne’s motivations for joining, as discomforting it is to her).

In her mind, Vivienne sees herself as the only person who can emancipate the mages without bloodshed - her personal accomplishments at the Orlesian court speak for themselves. Vivienne isn’t opposed to mage freedom - she worries for the consequences of radical change, as she believes Orlesian society unprepared for the consequences. Hence why she’s perfectly fine with a Divine Cassandra. Hence why her fellow mages immediately elect her Grand Enchanter of the new Circle.

Hence why Vivienne is so terrified by the Inquisitor’s actions if her disapproval gets too low. The Inquisitor has the power to completely destroy everything she has built and fought for during her lifetime. Remember: Vivienne’s biggest fear is irrelevance - there’s no greater irrelevance than having your life achievements reverse-engineered by the accidental stumbling of some upstart nobody. This is the real reason why she joins, risks her life and gets her hands dirty - the only person whose competence Vivienne trusts, is Vivienne’s own.

Even as Divine Victoria, I’d say she’s not bad, at all actually. Vivienne has the trappings of an an Enlightened Despot, maintaining full control, while simultaneously granting mages more responsibility and freedom, slowly laying the foundations to make mages more accepted and less persecuted in southern Thedas. Given that Ferelden is a feudal fiefdom and Orlais is an absolute monarchy, this is a fucking improvement are you kidding me. (Wait did he just imply Vivienne is secretly the best Divine - hmm, probably not because Cass/Leliana have better epilogues - but realistically speaking, yes, Viv should be the best Divine and it’s bullshit that the story disagrees.)

Underneath the countless layers of smarm, frost and seeming callousness, lies a fiercely intelligent and brave woman, whose ideals have been twisted into perversion by the cruel, ungrateful world around her. Envy her for her ability to control her destiny, but know that envy is what it is.

The flaw in Vivienne’s character isn’t so much the ‘tyranny’ or the ‘bitchiness’ or the 'smarm’. Her flaw is her false belief that she is what the mages need the most. Her belief that her competence gives her the prerogative to serve the unwashed mage masses... by ruling over them. For all intents and purposes, Vivienne is an Orlesian Magister and this will forever be the brilliant tragedy of her character. She was created by a corrupt institution that should, by all accounts fear and loathe her but instead embraced her. It’s that delirious irony that makes Vivienne de Fer one of the best fictional characters in RPG history. the next post will be Eurovision-related. :-)

#RPG #Dragon Age #Dragon Age Inquisition #Vivienne #Vivienne de Fer #Madame de Fer #DAI #Dragon Age 3 #BioWare

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fratboykate · 3 years ago

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Ok, I am very confused with all this talk of nuking the blog. Like I get that you want to, but do you HAVE to?? Is it like bad PR to have a tumblr blog? I mean from what I know plenty of people do, even lesbian Jesus and TS... and now there's people coming back to it.

I've had Tumblr since like 2007. I've grown up here. We've had plenty of discussions here, some really smart but also some really fucking idiotic ones. Some that you can sum up in a single ask, some that you need 50 asks to get the full context and that if you screenshot only one of the 50 asks and isolate them it's very easy to twist and turn it into something that it's not.

Also, again, been here for like half my life at this point. Over the years I'm sure in one ask or another I'm bound to have said something stupid or have phrased something in a way that could be twisted into something that's not. You also change, mature, and learn but the internet has zero fucking critical thinking skills and we all know that. We've seen the hive mind at work. I've worked too fucking hard for too fucking long to make a difference in queer and Latin representation in media for some fourteen-year-old, holier-than-thou, keyboard warrior, with an under developed frontal cortex, no reading comprehension, and a bad case of celebrity worship to get butt hurt, twist a screenshot a conversation we were having back in like 2014, take it to twitter, twist it completely out of context, and ruin my life. It might not even be a fourteen year old. We know there's WAYYYY too many people who hate me already and are salivating at the idea of watching me fail. As if it wouldn't be great to destroy one of the few Black Latino women in media to ever maybe come close to getting a shot. Wouldn't it be great to fuck over a WOC over petty fandom drama from years ago??? What heroes they would be.

White women get fifty chances once they drop a few tears. Women of color barely even get a quarter of a chance to begin with. I'm not going to let that happen. The internet is a cesspool and all it takes is one ask.

I don't remember the exact context of the conversation at this point but, does anyone remember the ask where an anon mentioned Br0ck Turn3r and Blobbity in the same ask together and I didn't even address that point of their ask, I just answered another thing they said and for like TWO ENTIRE WEEKS the Blorkeys were losing their whole entire fucking minds insisting that *I* had called their boy a r@pist? My inbox and mentions were INSUFFERABLE for legit almost a month. Twitter was lit up in vitriolic rage. How dare I call an MOC that without proof?! How racist of me!

1) The anon was the one who mentioned Br0ck. It wasn't even me who typed the name. AND THEY WERENT EVEN CALLING BOLOGNA THAT EITHER. THE ANON JUST TALKED ABOUT THE TWO PEOPLE IN THE SAME ASK but it had NO insinuation that this dude was in any way assaulting people his stans were just doing Olympic level mental gymnastics to get from that basically generally innocent ask to "She accused him of SA" lol

2) I literally never even talked about that part of the ask once. It was just MENTIONED in the anon's ask at the same time as their King and that somehow got twisted into "CB called Bazinga a r@pist". That shit spread like wildfire and no one questioned it. No one cared to fact check it because that's just how the internet works. That statement was simply treated as a fact and to this day there's people who believe I called that dude a r@pist lol. That's a total fabrication. Never happened. Never even came close to being true. But it's out there. And there's people who SWEAR by it.

All it takes is one ask. I'm not about to give the internet like 15 years of free ammunition to take out of context lol. We've seen people get fucked for some tweet they sent out in like 2011. If you're a fucking [email protected] fucked. But hanging something over people's heads forever is stupid. It's never made sense to me. Like, what is the point of even being alive if you're not going to let people evolve? I'm not the same person I was ten years ago, five years ago, three years ago, a year ago, six months ago, a month ago. Isn't that why we pay our therapist a lot of money every week? Lol. Normalize letting people continuously grow. It's part of the human experience.

#who the fuck is lesbian jesus lol #I get asked this question every time I talk about nuking the blog #and I've avoided it every time #but feels like whatever today #answers #anonymous #rants

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aprito · 4 years ago

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hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me)

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please)

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since.

so finally we can move to the first question

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara.

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

#nonitxt #meta #another hot take from me #but seriously if you're offended over these #unfollow me lol idc #defending predatory content is not a hill im gonna die on in this life

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writingwife-83 · 4 years ago

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My 2020 Sherlolly Self Interview

Thanks for organizing this fun activity @sherlollyappreciationweek! 🎉 I’ll start out with a very brief “about me” section-

I live in the northeast area of the USA, I’ve been married for seventeen years, have one teenage son, and I’m in my *gulp* late thirties now. I do volunteer ministry work and also work part time from home. Among other leisure activities, obviously I love writing! I started writing original fiction when I was a preteen, but I’ve been writing fanfic under the pen name “writingwife83” for over six years now. I discovered fanfic and the world of online fandom after becoming obsessed with BBC Sherlock in 2014 after s3 aired. I read The Full House, fell in love with the whole concept of fanfic, specifically for sherlolly, and couldn’t help but give it a go myself. And as they say, the rest is history!

Below the cut I’ll talk about some of the topics and fics suggested by followers/readers. Buckle up cuz it’s a lot lol...

Ok, first up to be kind enough to give me some feedback is @readstoomuch. You said- “what inspires you. Any story (I love them all!). Who do you love writing? Who is hardest for you? And which is that one story that you had fun doing?”

As for what inspires me, first and foremost it’s the show and characters itself. Watching those two on screen, it’s not hard to be inspired! But beyond that, I find a lot of inspiration in music and art, and just generally in other creative works and people. I think for a while I had my own internal inspiration and no lack of it, but as months dragged into years lol, I have found that the rest of the shippers are invaluable in filling the gaps when I lack inspiration and motivation. Some prompts I’ve gotten from others have taken on a life I never would have expected, and that’s pretty great. I honestly don’t think writing works best as a purely solitary activity. I know myself and although there is an aspect of my writing that will always be “for me,” that’s absolutely not all it is. It’s the fun of creating with others and it’s the fun of sharing with others.

As for who I love writing and who’s hardest, I think I’ve always felt pretty comfortable writing the main characters in Sherlock. I probably especially love writing Sherlock himself because he’s fun to break down and really dig deep into his emotions and thought processes. There have definitely been times some of the side characters have overwhelmed me and made me nervous about conveying their voices accurately. For instance, Mycroft can be tough if it involves pulling him out of his shell in a way that still feels believable and true to character.

That one story I had fun doing? Well there’s no way I can say just one. 😆 As far as reader response, there’s no other fic that can compare to the fun of I Told You So, that’s for sure. But as far as the actual plotting and creating, I think the fics I’ve had the most fun with are the multi-chapters I’ve done since becoming good friends with @thisisartbylexie. Having her as a sounding board, plotting buddy, and editor has absolutely increased my creating fun and has definitely also made me a better writer.

Thanks so much for asking @readstoomuch 🥰

Alrighty, @thisisartbylexie, you asked- if there's a fic that you ever wanted to go back to change in some way, which one would it be and why? Which one do you feel "oh wow, did I write that?" in a super positive way?

Idk how to choose just one fic. There are plenty that could use some changing lol! One I’d like to fix though, would be Pleased to Meet You. I know (because I’ve been told) that there’s inaccuracies in that one seeing as I’m not personally familiar with university settings in the UK. I did actually attempt research and I thought I got the idea, but apparently it didn’t work out terribly well. But the plotting and progression of that fic is one I’ve always been happy with, so I guess I feel like it’s a shame if it came off messy in some general ways and distracted from the rest of it. I like how I was able to weave that one into the canon of the show up to that point. And tbh it actually still fits as a uni backstory for them without any conflicts to the canon. As much as I enjoy canon divergence and AU, I also have a big soft spot for fics that simply connect seamlessly to what we’ve already been given.

As for “oh wow, did I write that?” I think one of my proudest accomplishments has been Zephyr. That fic kinda has it all lol. The tropes, the pining, the romance, the Victorian setting...ugh I love it. And there’s a climactic kiss moment in that fic that’s one of my faves I’ve written. I’m so glad I wrote it because of the Sherlolly Remix Challenge in ‘16, and at your suggestion, Lexie. But I will also be forever sad that I had to release that fic all at once on AO3 once completed. That fic would have been great fun to be writing and posting as I went along! And on top of being happy with the fic itself and how it came out, I’m awfully proud of the fact that you were excited enough about the fic to illustrate it, and that @goodshipsherlolly enjoyed it enough to record it as an audio fic. Honestly, what more could a writer ask for? 🥺

@mizjoely, you said you’d like to hear anything about The Queen’s Man. Okey doke, you got it lol!

I actually went back and read through most of that fic when I got this because it had been a long time since I’d looked at it. I gotta be honest that in hindsight...I’m a little surprised it did as well as it did.😂🙈 As some may remember, it started because I saw a magnificent manip and wanted to write something to go with it, and then because that was well received, somehow it just kept going. I did very little world building and development of characters in that fic. It was largely just one shippy, romantic, pining scene after another lol. At the end I did kinda tie it all in and wrapped the story up ok, but it was definitely one of those self indulgent fics where I didn’t feel like doing the hard parts and really just wanted to write the fun stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I loved writing it, and I’m so glad it got the positive reception that it did! But it just kinda makes me laugh because it goes to show sometimes you don’t know what’s going to do really well. You could agonize over clever plotting and world building and character development etc, and be so super proud of the finished product and all your hard work, but then you share and the response is like “meh.” And then other times you legit just throw something together with barely any careful thought, and the crowd goes wild! But aside from all that, the visuals in my head of that AU are just too drool worthy to me. Molly in Medieval royal attire? Sherlock in dark armor with a Purple Tunic of Sex™️ underneath? The two of them lingering in the dimly lit hallways and rooms of a castle and gazing endlessly in mutual pining? Yes to all.

Thanks for asking @mizjoely 😘

Ok wow, see what I mean? That was long! 🤣 If you read all the way through this whole thing, *Moriarty voice* thank you...bless you. Honestly, this ship is amazing and I don’t think I’ll ever have a writing experience anywhere else like I’ve had here. I’ve seen the other side of things in another fandom now, so I can all the more so confirm that there’s no ship quite like sherlolly. The warmth, reception, and longevity is mind blowing and I’m just awfully happy to have played a part in creating for the beauty that is Sherlock Holmes and Molly Hooper. 💕

#sherlolly #sherlollyselfinterview20 #I spent too much time on this lol #hope some of you enjoy reading it!#I hope I remembered to link everything #there were lots of links to be added lol

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ifshewantsme · 4 years ago

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tagged by @freshfruuits to answer some questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obliged to know better. thanks chat!! <333

name/nickname: rach

gender: fuck knows

star sign: leo

height: like 5’8 i think??? maybe 5’7

birthday: 19th of august

favourite bands: belle and sebastian, lcd soundsystem, the cure, death cab for cutie, arctic monkeys, glass animals, radiohead

favourite solo artists: sufjan stevens, declan mckenna, hozier, lorde (idk i vibe less with solo artists)

song stuck in my head: babooshka

last movie: babyteeth

last show: preacher but i’m getting a bit bored of it tbh

when i created this blog: idk like 2014?? 2013??

last thing i googled: aerospace engineering

do i get asks: only when chat indulges me in an ask game lol :))

following: 191

why i chose this url: it’s a song that means a lot to me

average hours of sleep: 7-8 plus a nap in the middle of the day

lucky number: don’t have one

instruments: clarsach (traditional scottish harp) and clarinet although i’m v bad at clarinet for how long i’ve been playing. also a passable level of piano, a few chords on the ukelele and a slight ability to play saxophone since it’s basically the same as the clarinet. clarsach is the main one though.

what i’m wearing: a jumper that says “larry’s mobile deer hunting tours” and pj trousers

dream trip: i wanna go back to amsterdam on my own (genuinely for the museums not for the 🌿) but right now i just really want to go to london to see my brother and see a musical but i guess that’s not happening for a while

favourite food: pizza hut’s cookie dough dessert. also smoked salmon.

favourite song: of all time it’s nobody’s empire by belle and sebastian and all my friends by lcd soundsystem. honorable mentions: john my beloved, 505, i will possess your heart, a forest, not in love, gimme shelter, sprawl ii, heart it races, take it easy (love nothing) and smalltown boy

top 3 fictional universes i’d like to live in: idk dude maybe berk from how to train your dragon?? legit the only thing i can think of

i’m not tagging anyone bcos i only talk to chat lol which maybe suggests i should tag people to get to know them but i have The Fear. but feel free to say i tagged you if you wanna do this

#rach's rambles #thanks again chat this was v fun

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thefatalmarksman · 5 years ago

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𝟎𝟏. ( ALIAS / NAME ) —— screamy

𝟎𝟐. ( BIRTHDAY ) —— march 5th

𝟎𝟑. ( ZODIAC SIGN ) —— pisces (yeah, i know, go ahead and slaughter me, i wouldn’t blame you)

𝟎𝟒. ( HEIGHT ) —— 5′2″ (and yes i am one of those Angry Short People)

𝟎𝟓. ( HOBBIES ) —— writing (been really into rping on here lately), drawing/doodling nonsense, and i’ve been trying to get more reading done recently, since work will allow book-reading but soon enough, when the workplace opens up, i’m sure phone use will go back to being... limited :/

𝟎𝟔. ( FAVORITE COLOR ) —— dark violet-reds and bruise-y colors

𝟎𝟕. ( FAVORITE BOOKS ) —— frankenstein by mary shelley (i’ve been told my writing is similar to hers?? and i am so flattered :’3 ); i, lucifer by glenn duncan; fight club by chuck palahniuk (i know, sooo edgy, but he knows how to follow a narrative and a theme with consistency), the great gatsby by f. scott fitzgerald (i know everyone reads it in like high school but it’s legit good okay), and like??? i really do like reading i swear and i’m probably forgetting a bunch of titles i could add here, but i’m mostly enamored by victorian literature (currently working on jane eyre, and sometimes it’s WILD to think how, way over a century later, i can STILL get SCANDALIZED by someone ALMOST ADMITTING THEIR FEELINGS for someone they’ve been secretly pining for, but that’s just being human, huh??)

𝟎𝟖. ( LAST SONG LISTENED TO ) —— been listening to the Radiooooo app all day, where you can listen to music all over the world from different eras and i’m on russia from the 1990s. it’s awesome, toootally worth the download

𝟎𝟗. ( LAST FILM OR SHOW WATCHED ) —— the office is on right now---tbh i usually just have the tv on as background noise

𝟏𝟎. ( INSPIRATION FOR MUSE ) —— well ooobviously xig is not my own original character, but i do try my best to draw inspiration for my own interpretation from different sources. dumb story, but i made xigbar’s blog back in 2014 when there was stiiiil some hype around DDD and someone casually suggested i’d do a decent job portraying him, but no one seemed particularly hyped on him so his muse just kinda vanished for a while. :/ buuut when kh3 popped its head up his muse came back in full and violent force, and when he became a MAJOR character given that epilogue (oh, how could i not recall that XigThirst that ensued all over the internet B)c ), now he’s basically my entire focus. i’ve been doing my best to explore all the different facets behind his character, put him in unique situations and AUs that draw out all the “what ifs?” canon might not allow. i will admit, while i depict him as a brilliant and intelligent person, i’ve also projected some of my own personal troubles onto him, with his bouts of depression and doubts and a thoughtfulness that can stem from very dark places, which is covered up with his witticisms and shameless, point-blank sarcasm. he’s just a fascinating character to me with a lot of potential that i sincerely hope won’t be squandered in future titles.

𝟏𝟏. ( STORY BEHIND URL ) —— it actually stems from the german opera der freischütz, which is actually what his alias “the freeshooter” is based on, as it can also be translated as “the marksman.” i scoonched “the fatal” in the beginning because, well... he’s just a dangerous kinda man. B)

tagging: y’all

#outofammo

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thecomedybureau · 5 years ago

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The 100 Best Things in Comedy We Were Witness to In No Particular Order of 2019

OK, 2019′s officially over and we’ve wrangled our 100 truly favorite things in and around comedy (and it really spans all of comedy) that are not ranked whatsoever. It’s just like the title says and, it’s, as it is every year, quite long, so we won’t waste any more time with this intro.

Oh, in case you forgot and/or curious and/or need a quick refresher, here’s our 2018 list.

1. Rory Scovel Live Without Fear-This documentary follows Rory Scovel and his journey through six nights of completely improvised hour sets. In a single word, it’s inspiring. You see the way Scovel truly connects the audience and keeps it that way through his indelible charm and endless curiosity. The near unbelievable story of the Relapse Theater in Atlanta is also beautifully threaded in the doc as well. The clips of the improvised performances capture the magic that stand-up comedy can be that’s absent from the majority of comedy specials. You should be required to see this whenever and wherever it comes if you have any level of interest in comedy at all.

2. Naomi Ekperigin-From her own stand-up, to her podcast with husband Andy Beckerman, Couples Therapy, and her writing across TV, and everything else she does, Naomi is such an thoroughly commanding, yet delightful presence that we love seeing every time anywhere (and she should already be way bigger of a star already).

3. Cait Raft’s Presentation on “Bradley Cooper’s a Star Is Born Takes Place in an Alternate Reality Where 9/11 Never Happened”-Witnessing the imagination of Cait Raft up close was a privilege for us. This amazing dissection of the zeitgeist left us in stitches and with our mouth agape for how thoroughly it proved its point.

4. Corporate Season 2-The second season of the ultra dark workplace comedy delivered once again on its hysterical nihilistic satire that’s so prescient, yet still so unbelievably funny.

5. Mom-Prov Presents Family Therapy-Improviser Izzy Roland was daring enough to have her mom and her grandmother, both of whom are also in showbiz, to join her on stage for one of the most madcap, fourth wall-breaking, entertaining improv shows we’ve seen all throughout 2019.

6. Jena Friedman-So, this year, Jena delivered yet again with her subtle delivery and calm demeanor that hides her absolutely killer jokes. The follow-up to her Adult Swim special, Soft Focus, upped the ante with an interview of a gun-toting John McAffee and her brilliant Conan set about everyone’s true crime obsession.

7. Brendon Walsh’s Afternoon Delight-This last year, Brendon Walsh let everyone know that he was and still is one of the best at pulling prank calls, which is so much harder now than it was even ten years ago. This live show actually has Brendon place live prank calls in between stand-ups and the ride you go on is absolutely thrilling.

8. Jacqueline Novak’s Get on Your Knees-Novak’s solo show has more than earned its spot as an Off-Broadway show with bringing such an exquisite, almost never before seen comedic sensibility to the topic of blow jobs.

9. #F*ckF*ckJerry-Props to Vulture Senior Editor Megh Wright for sparking the fire to take out the egregious social media accounts of F*ck Jerry that just lifted jokes from comedians all across the Internet without pay or attribution.

10. Lorelei Ramirez-We’ve known distantly about Lorelei Ramirez for so many years, but seeing them up close was a breathtaking experience that had us laughing so hard. Their artistry in comedy that gracefully borders on performance art and even horror is absolutely inspiring.

11. Aaron Urist-Denver’s Aaron Urist is such a killer joke writer and joke teller and has been for years. We just were reminded about that with his burning bush joke during his latest LA trip.

12. Booksmart-Olivia Wilde’s directorial debut was not only a reinvigorated take on movies that specifically hone in on the end of high school, but also had a sincerely hopeful vision of the future generation. We hope that Booksmart finds its way to the top of the coming-of-age comedy films pantheon.

13. Rachel Mac on Lights Out-One of the highlights of Lights Out with David Spade is how unfiltered and raunchy they let comics get during their sets on the show. Rachel Mac took that amount of comedic license and thrived in getting into the nitty gritty about her last teaching job.

14. What We Do In The Shadows-The FX TV adaptation of the seminal Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement film in 2014 exceedingly succeeds in nailing the comedy of minutia in the world of the undead that also happens to be in a (somewhat) grounded reality.

15. PEN15-Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle’s vision of 2000 and their performances as teens were so spot on that PEN15 would deserve acclaim just for that. However, the heart of this show made its humor stand out in an ever crowded field of coming-of-age comedy.

16. Tiffany Haddish’s Black Mitzvah-A lot has happened for Tiffany Haddish since her last special (she’s a legit A-list celebrity now), but it’s clear that she is still her unapologetically positively, life loving self. This special is evidence of that, especially with her bit about her New Year’s show that she got undeserved flack for.

17. Straw Men-Lindsay Adams, Danny Palumbo, and Sam Wiles (and producer Kimmie Lucas) put on what is our favorite imagining of a comedic debate that we’ve seen thus far. The encouragement to make the most ridiculous, baseless arguments and being transparent about the whole thing is a golden goose of comedy.

18. The ending of Gloria Bell-Well, we can’t very well give away the ending to this English language dramedy remake from Sebastián Lelio that has Julianne Moore shine as bright as she has ever shone before, but just know that we stood out of our seats, applauding what she did to John Turturro right at the end.

19. I Think You Should Leave-Tim Robinson’s unflinchingly absurd sketch series unequivocally has many of the best sketches of 2019. The hot dog costume and Mexican restaurant sketches will have us busting up through, very likely, the next decade.

20. Les Miz and Friends-Bonkers (and we mean that in the best way possible) doesn’t begin to describe how wild this meta and great this puppet and human hybrid take on the theater institution of Les Miserables. The sheer cleverness on every level is awe-inspiring.

21. Dave Ross’ The Only Man Who Has Ever Had Sex-Ross has been a longtime favorite of ours for the contrasting bounciness and darkness of his comedy. His debut album captures this dichotomy perfectly.

22. Nikki Glaser: Bangin’-Nikki Glaser’s first Netflix hour special started off with a bang, pun intended. Her frank, but heartfelt exploration of all facets of sex is so damn funny that Glaser gets away with being as blue as she wants.

23. Super Dating Simulator-This live, interactive version of various Japanese video game dating simulators is one of the more innovative and surprisingly charming things we saw this year. Creator Sam Weller did a bang-up job not only making a video game work as a stage show, but doing so with a very off-beat sub-genre of video games

24. Emmy Blotnick’s Party Nights-Blotnick’s latest album shows Emmy at the peak of her delightful observational powers. The concept of a “Self-Potato” is just priceless.

25. Tammercise!-Folks in comedy are getting all sorts of clever these days to redefine traditional formats and disciplines and push the art form forward. Madeline Wager does this exquisitely with a solo show of a woman unraveling that doubles as legit aerobics class.

26. The Cherry Orchard w/Chad Damiani and Jet Eveleth-Damiani and Eveleth explore a new angle on postmodern clowning by supposedly doing a Chekov play going through dress rehearsal without any of the players knowing what they’re supposed to do. The back and forth between the live direction and the tomfoolery on stage is truly hysterical.

27. Bake Stuff with Lindsay LIVE-It’s about time for a comedic cooking show that actually does teach you a wonderful recipe and also explores and resolves(?) childhood trauma. Lindsay Adams’ Bake Stuff with Lindsay, which we indeed saw live, accomplishes all of that and inspires all those watching to cook through their feelings.

28. Shalewa Sharpe’s So, You Just Out Here?-Shalewa imbues homespun wisdom with marvelously colorful descriptions all throughout this very satisfying album.

29. The Amazing Johnathan Documentary from Ben Berman-The Amazing Johnathan’s life story is pretty captivating as is. The story about Ben Berman trying to tell his story amidst several other people trying to tell his story is absolutely engrossing and is somehow all true.

30. Julio Torres’ HBO special “My Favorite Shapes”-Torres’ special is simultaneously one of the most daring and silly hour specials in recent memory and his elevation of prop comedy to a whole new level is to be commended.

31. The Underculture with James Adomian-James Adomian has been one of comedy podcasts’ most in-demand and bright shining stars. It comes as no surprise that his own podcast that revs up all his characters has some of the best, most dynamic, absurdist interviews in political and pop culture satire.

32. Daniel Van Kirk’s Thanks Diane/Together Tour-Van Kirk’s first, complete hour that he both toured with and released as an album is so impressive with how deftly Dan manages a balance of sincerity and mischief from wire-to-wire.

33. Conan in Greenland-Conan marvelously turns his travel specials series Conan Without Borders on its head by attempting to buy Greenland based off of Trump’s stupid tweets.

34. Mary Beth Barone’s Drag His Ass: A F*ckboy Treatment Program-Mary Beth Barone’s live show exploration into her dating life is illuminating and hilarious throughout, but the actual interview that she does live with a “f*ckboy” is transcendent.

35. Obvious Plant’s Carnival of Toys-Jeff Wysaski AKA Obvious Plant really outdid himself this year in his quest to permeate everyday reality with a satirical twist. He not only made a whole line of custom toy figures that satirize pop culture on so many levels, but opened up a whole pop-up museum for several days to exhibit them in all of their bizarre glory.

36. Sports Without Equipment with Coach Keith Alejo-This Dress Up Gang sketch is one of those ideas that are simple, yet so out-of-left-field. Literally, they take sports without equipment to its funniest conclusion.

37. #Squatmelt-Howard Kremer’s desire to keep the spirit of The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail alive has evolved into its own very special thing in the form of a DIY stand-up comedy show/walking tour that periodically migrates around LA.

38. Catch-22-Trying to adapt such a monumental literary work like Catch-22 is almost a fool’s errand, but writers Luke Davies and David Michôd do a smash-up job for not only bringing Heller’s immortal words to life, but also sticking the landing for all the darkly absurdly comical moments that run rampant throughout the story.

39. Get Rich Nick-Even if they didn’t have the fantastic banter, riffs, and asides from the very funny duo of Nick Turner and Nick Vatterott, this podcast that explores how to make money real quick is one of the best new podcasts of the whole year. Fortunately, Nick and Nick’s humor runs rampant through every episode and makes Get Rich Nick engrossing and makes you actually laugh out loud.

40. MK Paulsen-The comedy of MK Paulsen can be faster than a bullet, but as satisfyingly silly as a gun that shoots a flag with the word ‘bang’ on it. Every time we see him do stand-up, it’s a fun, rollicking ride that’s equal parts offbeat whimsy, clever wordplay, and an agile sense of timing and play.

41. Father Figurine by Matt Kazman-The dour faces of the family in this dark comedy short play to the highest comedic effect perfectly. A dead patriarch and an apathetic family make for some of the best dry humor in 2019.

42. Funk Shuffle-Danny Cymbal, Dennis Curlett, and Michael Gardner comprise Funk Shuffle, an improv group that manages fly freer and more untethered than almost any other improv group that we’ve ever seen. They make their defiance and experimentation with improv forms really work due to the trio’s unflinchingly playful spirit.

43. Gary Gulman’s The Great Depresh-Gulman, as one of comedy’s premier craftsman, of course, delivers an hour of stellar comedy with this special. He also manages, this time around, to destigmatize depression and, in general, be hopeful. That particular comedy trifecta is such an impressive feat that very few can accomplish.

44. Greener Grass-The scope and ambition of Jocelyn DeBoer and Dawn Luebbe’s directorial debut hints at some really special things to come from them in the future. Their absolutely demented, pastel drenched absurdist vision was a shocking delight through and through.

45. Jenny Slate’s Stage Fright-Slate’s best comedic strength is her unshakeable vulnerability. This hour special lets Jenny present that trait as intimately as she has ever presented it and gives an in-depth look as to where that hilarious vulnerability comes from.

46. Heather Anne Campbell swatting a baby out of someone’s hands in an improv scene-At this point, it should come as no surprise that Heather Anne Campbell is one of our absolute all-time favorite people in comedy and thus, she kind of just ends up making it on this list annually on her own someway, somehow. This year, during a performance of her improv group, Heather and Company, we laughed as hard as we’ve ever laughed at Drew DiFonzo Marks initiating a scene by rocking a baby back and forth and then, Heather insanely swatted it out of his hands and stomped on it. It sounds ludicrous, but trust that Heather made that so unbelievably funny.

47. Adam Cayton-Holland’s Happy Place-Cayton-Holland’s live solo show based on his critically acclaimed book of the same name pulls off oscillating between cleverly wrought and self-aware comedy and some of the most heartbreaking stories you’ll ever hear about his late sister. Holland’s focus and calm make it all miraculously blend together.

48. The Authorized Unauthorized My Favorite Murder Musical-In the world of unauthorized musicals about things that you wouldn’t really think about being adapted into unauthorized musicals (it’s a bigger ever-burgeoning world every month it seems), the staged reading of this My Favorite Murder-inspired musical that we saw was phenomenal. The full stage production to come in 2020 will undoubtedly be something really great.

49. Pedro Gonzalez-Pedro’s jokes are so expertly written and crafted that you forget that he immigrated to America as a teenager from Colombia and learned English as a second language.

50. Garry Starr Performs Everything-UK comedian Garry Starr’s solo show is a genius send-up and celebration of theater as a whole. The physicality and the sheer madness of the whole show are so thoroughly hysterical.

51. Kira Soltanovich-We just want to take a moment to appreciate the agility of the comedy of Kira Soltanovich. Not only does Kira play any room or any show as far as we’ve seen, but her drive is just unstoppable (see ep. of The Honey Dew).

52. Mike Birbiglia’s The New One-Though it seems almost too routine that Birbiglia comes out with a new hour special that garners tons of acclaim for its ornate and complex and, ultimately, very satisfying tapestry of stories, Birbiglia delivers exactly once again with one such solo show/special on fatherhood.

53. Michelle Buteau-We saw Michelle headline just a few months ago at Dynasty Typewriter and were reminded of just how good Buteau is. She combines being heartfelt, having a fun bit of attitude, and an absolute command of the stage in such a beautiful way.

54. Gareth Reynolds’ Riddled with Disease-Many folks know how great Gareth is from his madcap riffing on The Dollop, but Reynolds shows he is fantastic with a sharp, hilarious, yet still fast-and-loose-feeling hour.

55. Sara Schaefer’s LIVE LAUGH LOVE-Sara, above most folks working in comedy today, goes to great lengths to be considerate, inclusive, and vulnerable in her comedy and it’s so, so wonderful because of that. This album is yet another great example of that mix.

56. Sean Patton’s Scuttlebutt-Sean Patton’s latest album is a fantastic note to any and all that Sean is, hands down, one of the best comedians ever to spin a yarn (and also share some damn fine true stories) and deserves way more accolade and attention for that now and going forward.

57. Matt Rogers’ Have You Heard of Christmas?-Rogers had quite a 2019 in putting culture on notice, but his queer and subversive holiday musical extravaganza might be one of the best pieces of holiday themed comedy of all time.

58. The Chris Gethard Show with Robby Hoffman-Not only does Robby Hoffman keep the punk rock, conventions-be-damned spirit of TCGS alive, but she makes it so much her own and lets her hilarious, domineering persona transform the show into another very special, unique round of controlled chaos.

59. The taping of Eddie Pepitone’s latest special-Eddie’s sound and fury and his irreverent stream-of-consciousness-seeming comedy were flawless in this latest hour. Everyone in attendance, including ourselves, were in stitches for the whole taping. Props to director Steven Feinartz for one of our favorite looks of a special that we saw last year (which you’ll all get to see soon in 2020).

60. Eric Dadourian’s closer on Nebraska 2-Dadourian is always all in for the sake of a real bold, imaginative bit and, as such, pulled off one of our favorite closers of the year on his very first full length album.

61. Jessica Kirson: Talking to Myself-Kirson’s hour special on Comedy Central really let Jessica cut loose and let her showcase her stand-up expertise. From the way that Kirson contorts her face to her deep well of voices/characters to razor-sharp quick wit to, of course, her signature asides to herself, Jessica really kills it in this hour.

62. Brody Stevens-Long live the “jock doing performance art” comedy (one of our favorite descriptions of Brody’s comedy by his dear friend Zach Galifianakis) and may he rest in peace. Yeeeees! Enjoy It!

63. Byron Bowers on Colbert-Byron Bowers and his clever, yet sincere, dark, vulnerable comedy put up one of our favorite late night sets this year. From the opening to his frank jokes about his dad make us think that it’s just a little crazy that this is his network TV debut.

64. Desus and Mero on Showtime-With the upgrade of being on Showtime, Desus Nice and The Kid Mero are having the most fun in late night with the freshest voices and format (and they’re able to pull that off with only being twice a week).

65. Fleabag Season 2-creator and star Phoebe Waller-Bridge assuredly has more masterpieces ahead of her, but managing to top herself from one masterpiece season of dark romantic dramedy with another one is something that deserves all the accolades and awards that it has gotten.

66. Kenny DeForest on Corden-Kenny dismantles toxic masculinity so incisively through the whole set that he most certainly earns all the applause breaks he gets the whole way through.

67. Josh Gondelman’s Dancing on a Weeknight-Gondelman is often thought of as one of the best, sweetest people in comedy. This latest album, for all of its being clever and genuine, is proof that he indeed really is that sweet and funny.

68. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Season 3-The perennial prestige comedy from Amy Sherman-Palladino earns its keep by having some of the best writing (it’s almost impossible to write jokes that are contextualized for the 50s/60s and make them actually funny for 2019 audiences) and also being one of the most gorgeous looking shows in all of television.

69. Nick Ciarelli and Brad Evans-Whether it be pulling pranks on Twitter, their plethora of hysterical sketches doing an impression of Jack FM on shows around town, or their monthly live sketch character showcase Atlantic City, Nick and Brad are a damn fine comedy duo and have been for quite some time.

70. Caitlin Gill’s Major-It’s quite the magic trick to make an hour of comedy that’s entirely clean and have it being clean not be a thought that you’re thinking about at all when listening or watching it. Caitlin Gill spectacularly does just that with this album as Gill can make all of her earnest rants, imagery, and observations work in any way that she needs to.

71. 97.9 The Rat Race-Ben Roy’s satirical reimagining of a morning radio “zoo crew” is so spot on, then gets real twisted to make this one of the most surprising and rewarding podcasts of 2019.

72. Mike Lane’s Picture Frames-This short film from Lane heightens the idea of remembering those you love after they’ve left this mortal coil to such a ridiculous level every step of the way (and is more and more enjoyably unpredictable the further it goes).

73. Paige Weldon on Corden-Paige’s upbeat self-deprecation is just hard to resist and it makes the best impression in this late night set on The Late Late Show with James Corden.

74. The Righteous Gemstones-Danny McBride’s latest HBO series that darkly and comically dissects the South might be his most ambitious yet, but, of course, he nails it. The constant suspense perpetuated by hysterically tragic characters in the world of televangelists is profound.

75. My Friend Chuck-Comedic erotica author Chuck Tingle (one of the absolutely most unique voices and cadences we’ve heard in awhile) and friend McKenzie Goodwin celebrate their friendship every week for a podcast that’s preposterously funny and, also, more heartwarming than almost anything we’ve heard or seen.

76. Joey Clift’s Telling People You’re Native American When You’re Not Native Is a Lot Like Telling a Bear You’re a Bear When You’re Not a Bear-Clift makes such biting, pun intended, commentary with this short film/PSA that is also so playful that the message about Native identity will undoubtedly stick with you.

77. Megan Gailey’s My Dad Paid For This-Gailey strikes a wonderful balance of charm and attitude and fervent desire to burn down the patriarchy. Such a mix accents her very delightful observations about herself and the world around her in this marvelous debut album.

78. Robin Higgins as Baby Yoda at Tournament of Nerds-Higgins might have made one of the best, first attempts at Baby Yoda cosplay. She also, for what’s supposed to be a roast-style competition between fictional/pop culture characters, perfectly imagined how Baby Yoda would roast someone while maintaining Baby Yoda’s sweetness that has captured the hearts and minds of the Internet.

79. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote-Terry Gilliam went through hell, did a few laps, and came back over several years to get this meta-quixotic tale about reimagining the legendary novel Don Quixote made. The finished film, for us, was worth the wait.

80. Jo Firestone on The Tonight Show-Jo’s sense of play is so pure and present that it’s kind of irresistible. Combined with a perfect amount of self-deprecation, Jo really delivered a terrific set we’ll probably never get tired of.

81. Paul Rudd continues his time honored tradition of playing that one clip of Mac & Me on Conan-Rudd evolves the arc of this long running bit on Conan where, instead of playing a clip of what he’s on Conan to promote, he plays the same exact clip of the universally panned alien comedy Mac & Me. We all know what’s coming and yet, without the benefit of surprise, Rudd’s annoyance of Conan still keeps on being so damn funny.

82. Billy on the Street featuring Reese and Mariah-This year, we were lucky enough to get two instantly classic episodes of Billy on the Street with Reese Witherspoon and Mariah Carey that gave us our fix for our obsession with Billy Eichner yelling at strangers on the streets of NYC.

83. The Dollop England & UK-As Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds embarked on an entire England & UK tour of The Dollop, they thought it prudent to do a mini-series specific to Great Britain and did a smashing job making fun of British history. The Cyril the Swan episode is particularly brilliant.

84. Lost Moon Radio-The live musical sketch comedy theater troupe (Lost Moon Radio truly lives up to such a description) marked their 10th anniversary and put on an absolutely fantastic “Summer Block Party” this year that both showed that they still got their ingenious musical sketch comedy chops.

85. Nate Bargatze’s The Tennessee Kid-The calm with which Bargatze pervades all of his comedy is part of what makes it beloved by nearly any and all that see or hear Bargatze’s stand-up. That’s such the case now that Nate gives updates to stories from previous specials on this latest hour.

86. Beth Stelling on Kimmel-Every detail of this set on Jimmy Kimmel Live is pretty stellar. That includes Beth, in general, for her warm demeanor, smile, and cleverness, the Chippendale’s story, Beth’s mom being there in the crowd, and, of course, the surprise guest at the end.

87. Liz Climo’s Please Don’t Eat Me-This illustrated book is just the latest in a long line of uber-adorable and genuinely-funny-for-all-ages books from Climo. Liz seems to have quite the knack for making unlikely animal friendship jokes.

88. John Hodgman’s Medallion Status-Hodgman’s journey through the various statuses of airline privilege/celebrity is a superb serving of existential humor, done up with Hodgman’s painstaking attention to the exactly right details.

89. Jane Curtin’s 2019 New Year’s Resolution “My New Year’s Resolution Is To Make Sure The Republican Party Dies”-Said during a CNN interview with the SNL alum, this was the first thing to make us heartily laugh in 2019.

90. Alex Kavutskiy’s Squirrel-Kavutskiy’s short film dives into the concept of forgiveness unlike we’ve really seen and, as is Kavutskiy’s style, is so darkly spellbinding and so pointedly funny at the same time.

91. Astronomy Club: The Sketch Show-The long running comedy troupe known as Astronomy Club really ran with their chance to do a full-fledged sketch series on Netflix. They’re so endlessly clever on in their sketches, especially when it comes to the subjects of identity and oppression, and pack in so many jokes and sight gags that you’ll definitely want to watch it more than once so you don’t miss anything.

92. Dolemite Is My Name-Eddie Murphy seems poised to make a real return to comedy (and stand-up comedy in particular) and this marvelous biopic of comedian and blaxploitation star Rudy Ray Moore AKA Dolemite is the perfect way to start.

93. Anna Drezen on Corden-Drezen has such a perfect sense of farce and misdirection and puts on a beautiful display of those two things from start to finish in this set on The Late Late Show with James Corden.

94. BUTT’s Yoda themed dating app sketch-This sketch is so prescient of the resurgence of the world’s current (baby) Yoda obsession. Also, while this is so absurd with its deep dive into various Yoda fan art and cosplay, Joe McAdam and Chris Stephens’ take on dating apps is so sharply and deeply funny.

95. Mel Brooks Unwrapped-The never ending bit of attempting a documentary between Mel Brooks and the BBC’s Alan Yentob is yet another display of the true, unquestionable genius of Mel Brooks.

96. 50 First Stephs-The amazing, hysterical Steph Tolev kicked off 2019 with a show where 50 or so of her compatriots and contemporaries did various impressions and characterizations of her. Part roast, part loving tribute, part amazing showcase of the depth of creativity in LA comedy, Tolev’s night for herself was something really special.

97. The Bongo Hour with Sandy Honig and Peter Smith-Honig and Smith brought their wild variety show that featured such wonderful bits, characters, drag, and burlesque to LA and showed, truly, how much better life is when you’re fluid about nearly everything.

98. How Did This Get Played?-Hosts Nick Wiger and Heather Anne Campbell and their take on the “worst and weirdest” video games do their namesake, the beloved How Did This Get Made?, proud. Even if you’re not a gamer, the way they dissect the most bizarre video games ever made along with Heather and Nick’s chemistry is very, very enjoyable.

99. Joe Pera Talks With You Season 2-This second season of Joe Pera’s unique talk-to-the-viewer series is so calming that the comedic twists sneak up in the most delightful way possible. There is a certain beauty to Pera’s show that makes us want to have Joe Pera Talks With You playing on a loop in a contemporary art museum.

100. John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch-John Mulaney does “it”, yet again. “It” being releasing another hour of comedic brilliance that’s so markedly different than whatever he did before, yet, somehow still stamped with an indelible mark of Mulaney’s comedy of obtuse hyper-specificity.

#top 100 #100 best #best of 2019 #2019 comedy #best sketch #best stand up #best improv #best comedy specials

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heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon · 5 years ago

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The deal with my deer tail: Continued from the last tagged post (MENTIONS OF EX’S AND OHS OFF THE PORT BOW).

Like, I’m very painfully aware that this is %200 a trauma/coping thing that I’ve developed for myself now because deer were … My exe’s absolute favorite animal of all time ever and he associated with them deeply in regards to certain aspects of his personality and hobbies and this kinda plays a little bit into why I was attracted to him in the first place because it was such unique interest for someone to have and then ….Of course his favorite film ever was “Bambi” like, to the point of having the plushies and the original ORIGINAL book by Felix Salten along with it’s original sequel book and everything and it’s like …So odd for me because I live right by the woods in the middle of nowhere anyway and not a day goes by without discussion of these creatures in my house or without an offer to go “deer spotting” or “Bambi Spotting”… And I don’t have much room to say “no” because who would say “no” to deer sighting so I typically just go along with as if it doesn’t effect me because I have no choice….. And anyway outside of my home life I know tumblr typically loves deer and deer aesthetics as well and while I thought I’ve been trying to go out of my way to avoid this particular animal (at least on social media if I’m unable to in my home life) for the longest time because I associate them so deeply with my ex … Because deer were *HIS* thing … I’m slowly coming to terms with this creeping realization that I’ve had that I’ve not only been surrounded by the actual animal since before I met him …. But I’ve also just … Been surrounded by just …. All these deer characters and deer aesthetic since he left me…. And that also hurts me ….Because ….Since he’d been trying to find ways to get back in contact with me for the better part of the decade yearly since then, without ever apologizing, and since 2017 I’ve only had two years without receiving something from him in order to fully process how he’d been in my life for a near full decade like, wether I wanted him to be or not … That sort of just … devolved into this odd habit of me projecting unto certain characters with these kind of aesthetics and relationship dynamics to help cope because he never gave me anything else and it’s weird because I started to seek out these things and look at them in context to my relationship with this person and I just felt ….. bittersweet but okay because I would think of him and I would think of the way that he used to make me feel and feel and I would feel sad but because of the nature and narrative that I was projecting toward I would also feel comforted in a way and validated and calm? Which is also the way I’d start to feel whenever I’d see an actual deer or mention of deer or even see clips or concept art from “Bambi” or a baby deer …

But ………

So back in 2018, just a couple days after what would have been one of our “anniversaries” had past, and I hadn’t even keeping track of how many at that point but like, basically something happened that triggered me into a remember the time that in 2013 he had found my tumblr and followed me without warning, context or permission, without even speaking to me after finding me the year before this just to let me know how much he couldn’t care less about me, apparently ….. which, sure, Jan.

But … This time he was freaking me out because he was just following me silently on a blank account out of nowhere and I kind of managed to find what could’ve been considered my first ever girlfriend within the six months to a year that he’d been out of my life and it is me and this new girl had only “official” for 3 days after like, 6 months of slow burn flirting with each other and then this other cowardice arsehole who didn’t even have the dignity to speak to me proper was … Someone who had known for me for 3 years and someone whom I had once shared the most intimate parts of myself with.

In short I could already foresee this becoming a pattern after he’d managed to contact me the last time so I ended up breaking down and having a panic attack.

I didn’t know what to do and I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot, so… I made a screen cap and a post and kind of explaining who he was and how he hurt me and how I didn’t want him hurting my girlfriend or anyone else so just PLEASE don’t talk to him etc. And then I blocked him and threw up. And would-be-girlfriend blocked me the next day because of this…

A couple weeks later around New Years, I decided to log into the old hotmail account that I had just because I was curious….

The first email that he sent me was to let me know that he was going to follow me on tumblr and he was asking how my Christmas was and inquiring how I was doing, he wanted to know if I was “fine”. His version of pet names all included as if nothing had gone wrong between us ….

The next three emails, sent within minutes of each other, each only sentences long, were all responding to my reaction to his following me on tumblr without a word, without context, and seemingly without context …. These emails all of which I did not end up saving or screen caping because…. I’m pretty much 99% freaking. Percent. SURE! That he stated something passively along the lines of: “ If I REALLY wanted to *BLANK* , I would have done so… >.>” cause I distantly remember his little side eye emoji that he placed after the words “done so” and like, it’s really easy to kind of place the words “HURT YOU” in the middle of that, because that’s what I was talking about him doing in context, which would lead to at least vaguely remembering this in a full sentence as: “If I REALLY wanted to hurt you, I would have done so … >.>”

So yes, I’m at least 99% sure that he had threatened me, like that …

And of course I didn’t respond, but I do remember feeling threatened enough that it made my heart race and it made me cry and I needed to ask my mom for champaign to calm and I also remember that the whole reason why I didn’t save those emails was because if I did it would make the threat real and would need to tell my parents and I just didn’t want to think of him that way or what he’d meant by that and because this was already becoming a pattern, I didn’t want to spend another entire year of being paranoid he was planning something …

And he also kept going about what a nice guy he was and told me to have a nice life and told me he was gonna check up on me anymore and said that I treated him like shit …

So I just took a sip of my champaign, told myself I’d see him in a year, and deleted his emails… This was in 2013.

In 2014, I caught him spying on me through the visitors page of an account I’d already gone out of my way to block him on, and I noticed that, even though it been two years, he still had the icon that I had personally picked out for him as his avatar, an odd memory to keep from someone you claim to not care about, constantly ….

In 2015, he sent me a silent skype request…

In 2016.. He found my tumblr again …Actually saying something where I could access it this time … He sent me like, 7 IM’s and for the most part was back to being nice as pie, back to his version of calling me pet names and everything … claimed that he just wanted to say Hello …

He said that we could talk someday if I wanted to and that it was up to me … I still didn’t answer, because for one this was past midnight on Friday The 13th and when I saw that I had 7 IM’s and a new follower I just …. I got this sinking gut feeling that I knew that it was him and then I told myself that I was being paranoid again and that he couldn’t possibly because I’d already blocked him and so I opened up the messages just to prove to myself that I was wrong and got met with his username and a single smiley face emoji like:

“:)” Was the first thing I saw when I opened his messages…

And I immediately closed them out again and I closed tumblr out and I just sat there …. for awhile … Because the last thing he did say to me verbally was to threaten me and tell me that I treated him like shit … And I had no way of knowing what could be behind that smiley face …

But I needed to know … So I opened the messages and read them …

And that’s when he went back to being as nice as his own pie recipe and seemingly pretending like those emails and the spying didn’t happen …

Like, I don’t know if he knew I knew about them, but I have an inkling he must’ve otherwise he wouldn’t have been that cocky … “:)” is not a friendly smiley face, nor will it ever be.

And in the middle before all that he was like: “Let’s hope you don’t bite my head off this time …. xD” referring back to only the 2013 incident when I said something indirectly and that scared away the girl I was about to maybe start something with, again as if that didn’t happen ….

So, I didn’t answer him, because he didn’t earn it.

So like yeah, back in 2018, due to …. certain contexts of certain things which would also lead into me having anticipated myself getting caught up in an over abundance of people’s appreciation for deer, due to something that I not mention, I’d also been triggered/hit with a sharp realization that, October 27th, 2019 would have been the 10 year anniversary of having met that person in the first place, if he hadn’t discarded me after 3 years and then spent like, the better part of the decade trying to get in contact with me, upon the deeper realization that, even as of now, I’ve only really officially had this person out of my life for two years, and on top of that, he’d still find a way of showing up in my life Every. Single. Year. For the past four years. And now I would have to be dealing with an over abundance of deer and ‘Bambi’ references and puns, even more so than I obviously did and still do now, in my home life…

So my reaction was to laugh. REALLY fucking hard. And then I realized that deer might actually just…. LEGIT be my trigger always and then I started crying laughing cause I was just like “OH dear GOD… (and I can’t even like, say that that or type that without it already being a pun without it being a pun …which only makes it FUNNIER …) I might LEGIT have Bambiphobia!”

And then I broke down. Because I didn’t know how to feel about this or how I was gonna deal with it.

I’m still figuring out how I feel about this and how I’m dealing with it ….

My ex …. Was….He wasn’t a very complex boy but, he had always been more ,… In touch with things like femininity and sensitivity, or at least made a show of it, but I’d like to think he was genuinely like that considering what his interests were and he might’ve been autistic too just, looking back on things in context?

(His absolute FAVORITE music to listen to was also Owl City and he loved Adam Young, and considering Adam Young is self diagnosed and my ex’s special interest in deer, and Bambi and the books and the plushies and the the way he could just …talk and talk to me about anything for hours and hours and hours and we’d never we’d never get tired of each other…. I’ve just been doing all this math in my head I’m not trying to imply anything bad about these things and they all play into factors of why I was originally attracted to him to begin with).

He openly identified as Bisexual before I even knew what that was for myself and still kind of considered myself “Straight but not Narrow TM” or whatever kind of definition I saw on Television.

He wrote poetry as a hobby and of course knew how to play the piano while I did none of those things.

He was 17 when I met him but due to cultural difference of where he lived… he enjoyed wine and opera.

He was extremely well spoken and charming and articulate, and he also loved Mr. Rodger’s and Albert Einstein to the point of just having just … One big black and white poster of Albert in his room and one time, he was going on about his admiration for Rodger’s and so innocently told me how he intended to write and send him fan-letters one day and then reasonably became extremely upset when I informed that Rodger’s passed away, and I felt even more so helpless to comfort him when he asked me if I could tell him a little bit more about Rodger’s life to make him feel better and I knew absolutely nothing about the man aside from vaguely remembering that I used to watch his show when I was small …

So yeah my ex’s personality could essentially be summed up as: “ Eccentric, Silly “Smart” boy”, if I needed to …

He once excused himself when I told him that I needed to eat soon and came back, all decked out in a tuxedo to “have dinner together”, and I was about to eat a taco…

This one time he noticed that I was super uncomfortable and upset because I just watched this disgusting ableist film that had like incest in and shit and I didn’t wanna tell him but he got it out it out of me and HE KNEW WHAT FILM I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND THEN WANT ON BIG RANT AND ESSAY ABOUT HOW VILE IT WAS AND HOW I SHOULD PAY IT NO MIND AND AFTERWARDS HE WAS LIKE: “You know what? We need some music to wash the taste out of our mouths…” and then he just started playing the piano to calm me down further.

And I’m only saying it like this because incase no one has noticed it’s been a little bit more… Confusing? For me to try and throw a man like this into everyone’s typical “FuckBoyTM” box and call that “Healing”.

I wouldn’t even wanna put labels on him …

I genuinely feel as though I would need to think back to olden times in order to find a way to insult him that would accurately combat and deconstruct the amount of passion we brought out in each other, if it is appropriate to speak of my feelings for him in this context.

His mistreatment of women that he did not like …. Left much to be desired in regards to his attitude. Though his comments were mostly reserved for his half sister, my half sister, and fictional characters and I’m not bringing this up to try and say that this was justified or frame it into a: “Well, he never did that to ME sort of picture …” Though, the odd thing is that, for all the things that my younger self had shared with him, after his abandonment, ever year for four years I’d kept on waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to call me names and slurs and for the verbal abuse to finally commence and he just …

He wouldn’t do any of that. He never did. Not once. Not even during times he would get angry with me when we were together.

So when HE DID, lose his patience with me, he never resorted to name calling, so when he said and did things that hurt me, that he should’ve known better for doing, that meant he was really fucking harsh ….

So harsh, that one night….. It would be the final night I’d ever thought I’d speak to him again. Or at least begin to test him to see if he would come back and apologize and therein lies the the issue: HE ALWAYS came back, HE NEVER apologized.

Perfect. Gentleman. (Of course I’m using sarcasm).

Seriously, you know that new chat post about Male Victorian Novel Protagonist has fucked by his Lady Love and Knows This, BUT is Too Proud to admit this though still pines for her so when he speaks to her now he just: *sweats*…Is your family in good health?

Legit triggers my PTSD cause for the past four years with me it’s been just: Hey mate. Wanted to see how your X-mas was. Is your family okay? Are you fine? I’ve got some time off… Okay fine, I won’t check on you anymore, it’s not like I still love you or anything, baka! >.< *cue two more years of silent bating before* Hey kiddo you doing okay? I know it’s late but my days off today and if you wanna talk someday you can I’ll leave you alone now! :)

Like I know I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty much it (and I know I know I’m sorry for the “baka” joke, but he WAS a huge otaku nerd to a certain extent and all the anime that I would watch before I really started interacting with AMV editing community on YouTube was recommended him so needless to say I do not watch Anime so much anymore but I couldn’t resist making a “baka” joke in my own mind while reading his poorly veiled passive aggression and it’s written down and out of my system how I’m gotten to properly share one of the ways I’ve teased him for this if only in my own mind.

The thing that makes me feel weird/guilty about all this though is despite his behavior suspicious as shenanigans, he’d only ever attempt close contact once per year (as far as I know) and as far as I know aside from that one time I’d caught him spying on an art group from an account I’d already blocked him on which I don’t really know how he found (which okay, still a little shaken up about that one every time I type about it) his way of always popping up in my life somehow never really strayed from his ordinarily open way of trying to do it, and he’d never verbally abuse me or call me names or slurs while this was happening, despite how condescending or ominous he was while trying to get a razzle out of me …

MEANWHILE, because I let him get a razzle out of me, no matter how long ago it was before I found cpunk, I ended up deliberately calling him an extreme ableist slur just to send him away from away from me, over what was nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and classic case of miscommunication because I couldn’t see his first email and didn’t think to check before I went off on him, regardless if the misunderstanding could’ve been prevented if he communicated directly or not.

And I was too caught up in my reaction to him choosing being ominous and condescending when once he finally decided to try to speak to me again after two years of silent lurking after the last time he tried to speak to me he passively threatened me, that I didn’t get to take back the use of my ableist language toward when I had the chance. Which is the only thing that I’d ever apologize for before his, if he ever gave me one, and of course not conditionally for the both of us.

My ex’s most sensitive spot has always been his mental health and I’ve always known this because I found out once in the early stages of our relationship when we were roleplaying and I went a little too far with my character, so that’s in 2013 when I panicked I decided to say something…like that to upset him in hopes that he would leave me alone but I was really more hurt than I was scared and I would have confronted him directly but again I had a putting it quite bluntly flakey rebound “girlfriend” at the time and I had no idea where she was and I was freaking out and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot and I didn’t know what would happen if he left me alone. And this was at a time when I was taking the “stealth” mode about being disabled. Partially because of him (Gee I WONDER what could’ve happened).

The only person who knew this about me, very intimately (not intimately enough), was him and of course at the time I would NEVER tell my silly abled-bodied brit of a rebound girlfriend.

So, I did what I did and I said what I said.

At the time I only became slightly afraid when I read his reaction in those emails, and then the next year when I caught him spying on already blocked account and the blocking system worked both ways so I had no way of confronting him about it even if I wanted to ether way.

Though, I was admittedly slightly comforted knowing that he never changed the icon I’d picked out for him ….enough to kinda calm me down a bit…… Is that weird of me? It was weird of him.

Now because of this trigger and the context of certain things as to WHY this was such a strong trigger and in context of certain things that we both said… and in regards of the way he handled trying to get back in contact with me for four years and responded to the one reaction he got out of me and proceeded to continue the pattern for 3 years when he couldn’t just used that time to apologize like I’d been waiting for him to do and meanwhile I’m still… confused and guilty … because the first and final reaction he ever got out of me was …that.

For the past year now…. I haven’t been able to stop myself from crying and I just don’t feel like I can let it be like this anymore because I already felt awful about everything before but relating everything in context of the trigger which is another case where I could actually use it help cope is just making me feel so much worse.

What makes this even worser though is that this particular trigger is not only very popular and very public and with this substantial involvement of deer and deer aesthetics and then certain aesthetics and even names …. That I feel like only the two of us would get that it’s just ouch… But like, this thing is also interconnected with Owl City, like not officially but in it’s own way? Which is one of the first things that I thought of once I let the trigger settle because one of the FIRST questions that my ex asked me the day that I met him was wether or not I liked Owl City and I had never even heard of them before so I looked them up and my heart melted and I just knew I had to keep this God Damn Fucking Ray Of Sunshine in my miserable life and never let him go….

And I like to think obviously that the tables must have turned a little bit since then which is another part of what makes using my triggers as coping mechanisms if I can, so cathartic and funny to me and why people can pry this method from my hysterical hands …..

But what I’m getting at here making the Owl City mention even though I hadn’t had myself listen to a single Goddamn thing of theirs for 7 years up until this FREAKING. YEAR (because the tears were already flooding, my honey’s, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL! And yes I did end up crying my eyes out like I knew that would happen if I’d ever let myself listen to Adam Young ever again …) is that… This this thing….. That I love….. Is also a thing my ex would love ….And the reason that all my projectional coping mechanisms work so well is because the dynamics that remind me of our relationship tend to work both ways and is probably part of the reason how I was able to keep (at least reasonably) calm through the 4 years he kept tabs on me was because I felt like I had this very specific trope-y outlet to project my feelings onto and I know that he was a nerd so, if he was … paying attention and absorbing the same media I was …(he would’ve already learned how to apologize…)

No, but seriously, the difference is with THIS media though… Is because it has so many ties to so many of his own aesthetics and things he enjoys …..I just know ….. That he was seeing exactly what I was seeing. I was DREADING the concept of knowing that I was going to fall in love with this thing from the very beginning and it got to the point where I’d be reminded of certain elements I’d forgotten or I’d see certain things play-out for the the first time and, my breath would hitch in my chest …. and I feel guilty (You cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this. Not THIS time. Not again. Never again. Stop it …. Stop it…Stop it. Because ether way this is bad. This is terrible. This is going to be by far the WORST one because you know it involves the actual THING now for both you instead of just elements of the thing why are you subjecting yourself to this?! You know he’s seeing this right now….If he watched the Owl City thing that we’re not watching, then he’s watching this. And YOU shouldn’t be watching this ether!

And so, I would discipline myself to disassociate: You will NOT project THAT relationship onto these two characters, they haven’t even interacted yet!

And then …. that happened. They interacted. And it obviously felt so much worse then…. I prepared myself two seconds in for how it was gonna play out. But I wasn’t prepared that it would end ….or even be that close to home. And then I reminded myself that he was probably watching the same thing that I was, as I’ve always done because it was fun being reminded I was right, my only solace really because projecting myself through these characters was the closest I’d ever get to an apology, but the time that the first viewing was over, everything just felt so wrong and I just felt so uncomfortable about everything and I started to cry cause I knew my reactions to this dynamic were gonna be the most intense from here on out and ………I was so confused and afraid of my own emotions at that moment… And I was feeling a lot of them.

What concerned me the most here though, was being almost certain of the fact that that, if I was watching and it triggered a reaction, HE was most likely watching and it triggered a reaction.... And given the context of the trigger that I’m talking about .... I mean, if it hit close enough to send me into a freaking emotional whiplash and make ME breakdown and make cry and make sick enough to tell my parents and they didn’t even care ... because they said that they already “knew”...(not even discussing the fact that a year later, I would be assaulted by the one man in my family who should have never been the one to guide me through something so awkward but who “helped” me through this emotionally but, again would beat me a year later while my useless mother watched and laughed and would tell me it was it was my fault and I would end briefly removed from my home because of this because he’d left me with bruises and a permeant physical scar ... over food)

...then, I can’t help but think of how my ex would ....Ether be absolutely disgusted with himself or... be... very entertained by all of this. Or both. I know I’ve been both.

And oh, remember all that emotional whiplash I just mentioned in the above paragraph? Well it’s only gotten worse as time went on. Right now I’d say it’s at it’s peak.

Funny this thing is ....I’d been trying to fight back against this temptation to reach out to my ex since this whole thing started and like .... Once we were well into 2019 I just .... realized that fighting this wasn’t going to work anymore if certain circumstances were going to be what they were and things ended up cutting so close to what I feared that it almost doesn’t matter anyway and it still hurts me just as much if not now more so, because of other certain happenings that I will not mention.

And now I can openly admit why the entirety of 2019 has just felt like a ticking time bomb to me. Like of course there are plenty of other factors adding into why .... I’ve been preparing to go through with reaching out to him now but ,like... My paranoia has been like, trying to tell me that this has all just been one big long game or a test and has been making me feel as though he had somehow pre-planned this all and is he currently anticipating me contacting him before 2019 is over.

And that notion is driving me just as bananas as the idea of actually letting myself go through with contacting him.

So I might as well.

I mean ....

Our relationship was taken extremely seriously by the the both of us for the most part... up until the end.

And we were technically each others first times.

We weren’t even dating, really... I just refer to him as my “ex” to make things less complicated..... But for those three years.... We were each others partners....In a way. It just makes things easier to say He Vas My Boyfriend.

I’m suggesting it that would make sense if he would want to try getting back in contact with me and check on me but feel shy and not know how to make it better since he’d have to understand how he fucked up that badly. And for a time... he was the only one who kept extending the invitations for contact.

At least this way I can check to see if he’s okay.

Everything is so fucked up. I know this.

Though Christmas might be the right time to except his last open invitation, all things considered.

I would’ve originally had more time to plan this out had it not been for everything that happened.

My coping mechanisms are as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a doubled edge sword.

I’m just a creature. That’s it. I cannot change this.

I might not be online for a while.

Another Friday the 13th.

Well fancy that.

#Moon Outta' Spoons #ask to tag #ask to tag better #I watched Bambi and Bambi II for the third or maybe fourth time in the last couple of months and like .... Also really for the first time #ever. I don't really know how that's impacted me yet but like it's gotta be good for something taking the leap that I'm about to.#You guys ever notice how MegaraxAladdin was a really popular crossover ship? That's pretty neat huh?#If I ever allow myself to express specific inspiration it's just gonna play out like ...#EX: *FINDS ME* ME: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME? EX: BECAUSE IT IS YOU YOU HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD YOU JUST #YOU JUST SLIGHTLY CHANGED YOUR URL!#I told you guys that this was gonna get weird and you have no ideer but it's like now after all these years and I've finally been presented #The opportunity to be able to vent about something that's been causing me so much pain for so long SO SPECIFICALLY that I wouldn't be able #to go through with if I wanted to because SOMEBODY OUT THERE WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDEA!#So I guess no more playing Hide and Seek then .......#Again I don't really know what to say I just might not be online for a while.

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borisbubbles · 5 years ago

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Eurovision 2010s: 15 - 11

15. Ieva Zasimauskaitė - “When we’re old” Lithuania 2018

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[2018 Review here]

~wen wir owld HOOOOOOOOOOOO~

So close to the endgame it’s time to open all of the emotional registers. Much like Hovi, I did not expect to love Ieva as much as I do, however unlike Hovi I had already fully embraced Ieva and “When we’re old” long before rehearsals started.

And for good reason because Ieva fucking disarms me every time without fail. She herself is of course a hilarious, relatably weirdo indie girl, this time in the guise of a Born Again Hindu who ~FELT A COSMIC PRESENCE~ on the stage with her. 😍 Telling the true story of how she overcame depression by falling in love with her hubby. Flanked by holograms that project Ieva’s life dream: to be happy and grow old with the love of her life. All my hopeless romantic triggers are activated by this song. ALL OF THEM.

People are generally divided on Ieva’s voice, but um hello welcome to BorisBubbles. I ranked Nina Kralic and Jana Burcheska hellow-high. I LOVE Ieva’s husky, nasal, ovine, falsetto whine of a voice. It makes “When we’re old” for me. Ieva injects so much vulnerability and authenticity into a song that whenever she performs it, all I can do is sit in silence, tears welling up in my eyes, bleating along with the WHAOHHHHHs. Time truly stands still during “When we’re old” and I’m speechless.

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14. Conchita Wurst - “Rise like a phoenix” Austria 2014

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You can be damn’ sure the highest ranked powerballad on this list is “Rise like a phoenix”. It isn’t as much as a song as it is an INSTITUTION.

Which is why, symbollically, “Phoenix” is a very important winner. It’s a plight for overcoming hate, for overcoming bullying, from being yourself in the face and of adversity and rising from the ashes reborn, reinvented, reinvigorated. Its presentation is provocative, yet secondary, putting vocals and song on the foreground. It is rooted in the political zeitgeist of its winners, like most modern winners, obviously,

however, ask yourself this:

Would “Phoenix” have won if it hadn’t been a great performance of a great song?

I don’t think it would have. Take away the powerful composition and leave just the politically correct message, and you get Bilal Hassani. Take away the beard and you have, well, a really good song bond theme by a talented vocalist, that probably would’ve finished top ten, if not top five in most years.

It’s easy to get distracted by Tom’s stick because a “Bearded drag queen” provides a lot of cognitive dissonance, which I personally love because it forces me to think, keeping my mind sharp. The use of a gimmick does NOT cheapen the talent on display here, however. Tom’s delivery of the song is flawless, hitting every note, delivering both ‘feminine’ nuturing comfort and ‘masculine’ strength to his glorious song. He even throws in some small nuggets of fierceness, providing levity, reminding us of Conchita’s drag queen roots

The act is cut from the same professional cloth; it is maybe a tad provocative, but at it’s core it remains dignified and classy, maintaining a moral high ground that instantly sheds a bad light on any hater. You may pull her down, but she’s gonna FLYYYYY.

Conchita Wurst is the best winner of this decade, period. No winning performance is as ironclad, vocally, musically or stagingwise as hers. No other winner has shown as much raw performance talent as she has. No winner has been able to make such a statement while at their core maintaining a high-quality musical standard. No winner has been such a champion of those whose voices are trampled for being different. To use Conchita’s own words after she won: “WE ARE UNITY. AND *WE* ARE UNSTOPPABLE.”

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13. Zlata Ognevich - “Gravity” Ukraine 2013

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This is the last female fronted act from 2013, you know what that means: EPIC ENTRANCE TIME 😍

What a beautiful dreamscape. I felt bad ranking Elina Nechayeva in a fairly low 39th place, but honestly, “Gravity” vibes very similarly and does the same things a lot better: Breathtakingly regal woman, a mirage of near-divine grace, stunning visual effects... SIGN ME UP ALREADY. At the core we of course find Zlata, the winner of the Best Human Award in 2013. Zlata’s backstage bits were rife with personality facts that instantly endeared her to me. A praraphrased selection from her infinitely quotable interview gold: ”I PRACTICE BIG VOICE BY HOLDING BREATH UNDERWATER”; “I COME FROM PLACE IT’S CALLED CRIMEA, IS LARGE ::reads from online dictionary:: PEN...EEN...SYOO..LA(?) WITH BIG MOUNTAIN AND LARGE SEA ^_^”; “I LOVE UNICORN IS FAVOURITE ANIMAL”. GODDESS. 😍

Fortunately her overpoweringly loud, yet disarmingly weird personality is also omnipresent during her big screen performance. “Gravity” is a mirage of Disney mojo and Zlata absolutely fucking hits it like A SHTRIKE OF DUNDAR

I don’t think I’ve ever listened to a song that is legit quotable at every interval? There is not a single line in “Gravity” that doesn’t bring out the bedroom karaoke: “IMMA LIIIKA BADDERFLYYYYY.” “NOTHING COMES FROM PRIDE, -*HAYLALE*” “NOW I FEEL NO FEEEEE-AAAAAAR.“

And I’m not even done because Gravity ALSO features an excellent backing choir (the male backing vocalist is incredible). It’s just a perfect example of world music, conjuring three minutes of pure, unicorn-endorsed magic. IMMA LIIIKE A BADDERFLYYYYY. 🦋

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12. Juliana Pasha - “It’s all about you” Albania 2010

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YUARDAWAN 😀 YUGIMMEDATSAMTINANEED 😀 ITZMI 😀 ENDAMFOLIN 😀

We are at #12, which means we’re at that Olympian milestone where every entity ranked is a fucking supernatural force. In Juliana’s case a forced of pure, unfiltered, streechy harpism. 😍 It is so weird to think that she was the first of Albania’s now iconic ‘Shrieking Boss Hag” archetype because it feels like a alliance older than time, sealed and styled in cuneiform onto a shard of Sumerian pottery, blessed by the Annunaki and then embedded into the muddy banks of the Euphrates.

Anyway, Juliana earned my HEART once she greeted us with her uncanny-valleyesque diction and cheshire-catesque leering, all YUARDAWAN! and proceeded to throw everything, both vocally and facialexpressionly, into the mix, in ascending degrees of deafening loudness. 😍

With a criminally addictive electronic schlager song too boot! One which, like Zlata features an INCREDIBLE supporting cast in a bangin’ gospel choir, as well as a very generous dollop of ❤ ELECTRONIC VIOLA REALNESS ❤

One of the fave musicians of NaziPope, btw. “It’s all about you” is such a Triumpf of the Shrill. 😍

Anyway, this high quality list of ingredients make for a very replayable ride that never spoils or grows stale, no matter how often I listen to it. Which is actually a lot. I’ve looped “It’s all about you” at countless occasions since 2010, making it perhaps the song on this list that I have to the MOST often. (Or second most because there IS a song I still have to rank that may challenge Juliana for that title.) If that ain’t a hallmark for quality, I don’t know what is.

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11. Koza Mostra ft. Agathonas Iakovidis - “Alcohol is free” Greece 2013

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Has life been letting you down? Have you been struck by a financial crisis? Do you no longer know how to continue living. Fear not, because :cracks knuckles: we are about to embark on a MASTERCLASS of unabashed drunken REVELRY:

Um a small disclaimer though. This song has a really really, really, REALLY irresponsible title. DO NOT at any circumstance use alcohol as a coping mechanism, engage in drunk driving or other activities under influence that you may life to regret later, if you live to regret it later. Also don’t drink if you’re underage. Also also, alcohol can cause obesity and cardio-vascular arrest. and cancer, possibly. Drink, but do so RESPONSIBLY.

HOWEVER, what if this song is... a PSA???😈 An Anti-Crisis PSA that is, lol. A group of folk hipsters literally PARTYING AWAY the misery of the financial crisis in a delightfully self-deprecating fashion is just the pinacle of fun for me and Koza Mostra fucking ROLL with it. Watching them dart out in all wind directions, interacting with each other gives me LIFE.

It’s exactly that sort of industriousness which sets “Alcohol is free” apart from other party songs. There is a LOT of randomness going on in the background and it gives you ZERO time to process all of it, making every rewatch an easter egg hunt.

This approach to staging usually doesn’t work, but here it is actually very intelligent and I’ll explain why: The act places a lot of focus on Agathonas (which it should because he’s the lead singer despite his featured status), but by the same token offers constant distraction by all the Koza Mostra shenanigans in the background... In other words, it’s an act that forces your attention away from the main event by confusing your senses, requesting all of you concentration keep up with everything that’s going on... which is actually a brilliantly accurate simulation of how 'being drunk’ works.

(btw if you listen closely you can hear the sound of Agathonas tapping his skull lol <3)

So the next time you listen to this song, pour yourself a drink (ONE drink!) sit back and embark on a Waldo-esque hunt to see how many beautiful nuggets you can find hidden in that splendid act, as the upbeat sirtaki madness fills your head with cloudy thoughts. As far as I’m concerned, Koza Mostra have WON the Eurovision Fun Contest.

EVERYONE RISE AND APPLAUD THE 10 BEST ENTRIES IN THIS DECADE:

From now on, I’ll only include maximum 2 songs per update :o

And in this update we finally say goodbye to Greece, Albania, Ukraine, Austria and Lithuania. Read my thoughts on them, below:

LITHUANIA

Lithuania was hands down the worst country in the 00s and look at their chart now. They are slowly getting their shit together and it shows. Keep on going, darlings!!

AUSTRIA

God Austria are so boring. At least they occasionally provide us with a great entry here or there, but they’re so inconsistent in their entertainment. 2 great - 6 okay - 1 terrible is NOT a great ratio by any means.

UKRAINE

ALBANIA

Albania are very hit-or-miss, but I really like their presence in Eurovision actually. Like Georgia they entries are so left-field that they are always *interesting* even when they’re not good. Except “Fairytale”. Fuck “Fairytale”.

GREECE

Fuck this decade was ROUGH for Greece. They are a shattered nation and if you think this chart is bad, let me remind you that their best result in the past five contests is 19th place. Same in fact, as San Marino’s highest and lower than the highest placements of Albania, Montenegro, Slovenia, UK, Ireland, North Macedonia,...

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chelsanitys · 6 years ago

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Updated thoughts on The Show for those of us who missed it???

i’m glad i watched it again. knowing what i know now, my takes are far hotter, and actually

1. wow i legit forgot what a DICK scott was in ths. maybe it was just his reticence to do the show but he treats tessa with such disdain and exhaustion throughout this whole thing. like i have no idea how people who watched this came out shipping them because he is an ASS to her 85% of the time. the whole show is just her trying to connect with him, and him refusing, and her panicking because their connection is flailing and doesn’t seem as good

2. 2014 tessa was such a trainwreck in this. i am proud of her and the growth she’s made since then, even if she hasn’t actually changed much at all and has just learned to hide it better. like watching the show again, i don’t blame her for going all alexa on us? the edit they gave her in this was so pathetic. no wonder she stepped out with ryan so fast and worked so hard to create her own brand post 2014. i would too. i would hate for people’s lasting impression of me to be the emotionally unstable doormat they saw on the show and i really do understand why she wants to be seen as a Strong Independent Woman outside of scott

3. tessa is….so insecure about her relationship with scott? i feel like i missed this the first few times i watched the show, or it didn’t jump out to me as prominently. but watching it again, literally half the show is just her having some kind of breakdown or panic attack about their connection and why they’re not connecting and maybe their friendship isnt even real because they can’t connect??? i’m surprised everyone calls her ‘the head’ of the team, because she seems so focused on abstract things like emotion and feeling. there is literally one scene at hpc where she’s babbling about ~warmth and ~touch and ~feeling that connection and scott is just like ‘anyway. that lift. remember the exit.’

4. i should’ve watched this show before the comeback because i feel like their growth since would’ve been more gratifying. like tessa wouldnt let herself be walked all over like this anymore. scott wouldn’t be this much of a dick. idc how many of u think he hasnt changed just bc he has a new gf blah blah BLAH, but as a fan for a long time, their growth since 2014 is striking and marked. they are different from those 20 something yr old headcases. she’s stronger, he’s mellowed out. you are lucky to be fans of them now

5. i was very much on team ‘you have no right to be upset, you broke up with him’ before this, but now i think i am leaning towards team ‘you should have wooed her harder and longer, dickface. one trip to one vogue photoshoot does not make up for yrs of douchebag behavior’. like he is SUCH an immature dick in this! i was shocked how much of it i didn’t remember. he’s never known how to deal with his feelings for her, and has constantly been trying to fight it or hide it (hence why the comeback was a rousing success - because he wasn’t anymore) and taking his frustration out on her. and obviously she cant see it’s because of repressed sexual desire due to her low self-esteem….but as a purveyor of the hottest vm takes, i can

#Anonymous

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tampon-on-the-sidewalk · 5 years ago

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Kaden Watches the 2014 Grand Final

First off, I AM SO STINKIN HAPPY THAT IT ISN’T REGION BLOCKED I legit cried when I saw they uploaded it to the official youtube. This was the first show that I was able to watch live and be on Tumblr during, and it was such a fun, amazing time. I’ve been wanting to watch it in full again but couldn’t find it anywhere, and the DVD is extremely rare.

All of my thoughts under the cut, enjoy as this American watches the grand final for the third time since it aired. Feel free to watch along!

Ukraine: I still have this song on my Spotify playlist tbh it’s such a bop. I still love the hamster wheel as a prop and the vocals are pretty on point after the first verse.

Belarus: Hilariously enough I literally JUST listened to this in the car on my way home XD Another iconic song, honestly this whole year was pretty great. The background dancers are a mood. The vocals are pretty great, and it’s just such a silly and fun song. Plus I remember all the memes from this performance XD

Azerbaijan: I don’t remember this song?? But she has such a gorgeous voice omg. not to mention the TRAPEZE. Golly this is such a great performance. Also that dress is absolutely stunning

Iceland: Another absolute bop and meme song that I listened to for years after this. This is just. Such a fun song and the LOVE pose at the end always gets me

Norway: Why does he look like Kobi Marimi. Okay but real talk it’s a pretty ballad, but that’s really it. Not something I should watch close to bed. But seriously he reminds me SO MUCH of Kobi and I have no clue why. Something in the eyes.

Side note, I forgot how great the postcards were for this year.

Romania: I prefer Playing With Fire, but this was still very fun. Always a sucker for the 360 piano.

Armenia: This song was so strange to me when I first heard it, and it still is now. There’s something charming about it though. A simple performance but still really captivating.

Montenegro: Another song I don’t remember? Love the ice skating and the graphics on the floor. His voice is very rich and I always love when an artist sings in their native tongue.

Poland: I had to skip this one =w=‘’ I could barely stomach it when I first watched it. Too much fanservice and the song is awful. I’ve heard other songs by them and they are so much better.

Greece: This plays on Spotify every so often. I really like it, it’s definitely a great party tune and songs like something you’d hear at an American dance club. It’s definitely a lot of fun. Not to mention I love the raps =w= Also the trampoline is great =w= singing while on a trampoline is super not easy

Austria: MY HEART Okay Conchita stole my heart from the first time watching and I have both albums(PLEASE listen to the newest one). Absolutely stunning as always and just. U g h so many feelings. I’m just a puddle of tears again.

Germany: Another one that I still play all the time, I just love the traditional instruments in this. The vocals live aren’t the best, but seriously heroutfit is a look. Oddly enough something in her face reminds me of a good friend of mine. Honestly this performance really feels.. forced =w=‘ Love the song, not too much of a fan of the live. Also the accordion player lowkey looks like Anna Kendrick mixed with Lena. The ad libbing at the end really didn’t sit well to me.

Sweden: While this song did nothing for me when I first heard it, I revisited this performance a year later when I lived with my parents and became absolutely OBSESSED with this song. I still absolutely love it. listen to that CROWD. Great vocals.All the Sanna wigs in the crowd tho

France: Another fun song, the one guy reminded me of Weerd Al upon first watching it but now? He actually low key reminds me of Michal Szpak. And Weird Al. This is so fun and in-your-face after Sanna’s performance.

Russia: I’m still so mad that they were booed because they did so well during this. I really loved the performance. I love the balance beam/seesaw as a prop, and the entwined ponytails. Still one of my favourite songs of the year.

Italy: Ooh, this is a very fun performance? Not too much a fan of the vocals but the music is pretty great. Pretty great performance in terms of Energy.

Slovenia: yet ANOTHER one of my favourite songs that I still listen to. I love this performance, she does such a great job live. Simple staging, but the lighting effects are great. I’ve listened to it so many times that I’ve choreographed a contemporary routine to it in my head, and I still see it during this XD. Seriously this is such a great performance, I hope this made the top ten.

Finland: I feel like this is a song I should have paid more attention to. I really like it and want to look into more by Softengine. I love the high notes, he does them so wel live and the band has so much energy. This is just. So great. This is definitely a song younger me should have gotten into but I think I’ve only listened to it like, Four times? Legit.

Spain: I don’t remember this song at all =w=‘ I like the rain effect. It’s a pretty song and she has very pretty vibrato and her power notes are incredible, but the song itself isn’t doing anything for me.

Switzerland: Oh my lovely Sebalter. Guess what, yet another song I still love and listen to regularly. I remember all the memes that generated from his performance, too. Did we ever find out if the whistling was live? I still love this performance either way. It’s a lot of fun. Most iconic violin next to Alexander Rybak.

Hungary: I remember being so mad watching the Jury section live because I really did not like this song XD The shift from the verse to the chorus just didn’t work for me, felt very disconnected. Plus the song it just really darke? I’m seriously surprised this qualified. The dancing is really well done though.

Malta: I remember everyone calling them Malta and Sons. Not particularly my cup of tea, but still a good performance regardless. I really love their voices.

Denmark: The Bruno Mars comparisons were endless back in the day. This is still a super fun song and I still can’t BELIEVE the studio version was explicit. That one back up dancer is going so hard and I absolutely love it. The Love flag is so cheesy and perfect.

The Netherlands: so SLEEPY. Good performance sure but not when you’re watching right before bedtime. More good use of the floor screen. I’ve noticed there were a lot of instruments on stage this year? Something that didn’t click back in the day. Also is it bad that I lowkey find Waylon attractive

San Marino: Is it bad I forgot that Valentina did manage to qualify one year. All I can think with that prop is Peacock. Interesting song, I really like her vocals in this. She defo deserved to qualify this year.

United Kingdom: It’s funny that I remembered the name of the song and artist but couldn’t remember the song to save my life. Definitely one of the better UK acts of the decade.

~I went to bed bc it was obvious I was getting too tired =w= ~

Graham’s “That’s me!’ got me =w= And all the streamers and such

Watching the recap as soon as I wake up and golly is it a wakeup call =w= Seriously the 2014 Grand was one of my favourites minus Poland =w=;

Took the recap as time to see how many songs from this year I still actively listen to, and that would be 11/26.

Momoland Interval Act: Okay the staging of this is incredible? I know they had harnesses on just in case but when they stood on top of the ladder my heart started palpatating

12 Points Interval Act: Okay this is fun =w= A lot of fun. I’m laughing so hard.

Museum of Eurovision History clip: I REMEMBERED THIS SEGMENT AND I AM CRYING Those poor kids. Also completely unrelated, I had to carpool to a meeting with a co-worker and found out she was actually born and raised in Sweden and moved to the states when she was 11. She remembers dancing around her room to Diggaloo Diggeley.

Green Room Interviews: Amazing that they brought all the foods from the contestants favourite places and the fakeout with France.

Emelie De Forest performance: I know people call this the second most overrated winner next to Euphoria but I really like the song still. A very nice performance and those branch wings are incredible. I also really like Rainmaker. I really like how they brought all the contestants on stage to sing and dance with her.

~I’m gonna miss Jon Ola Sand ; (

Jury Votes: I cut in and out bc I have to do laundry but I still remember how excited I was when Conchita won. I forgot that they said the 8 and 10 points as well as their 12 points. I am so MAD that Russia got booed whenever they got the 10 or 12 points. I also didn’t realize there were only 37 countries this time.

My thoughts on the Top Ten: Y’all know I’m ecstatic that Austria won, I’m actually kinda surprised by the top ten? But this is just based on the Jury votes right? Either way I’m bitter that Slovenia did so poorly and surprised that Hungary did so well. I would have been content with Sanna winning but I am surprised that The Common Linnets did so well. CONCHITA’S REACTION TO WINNING BREAKS ME EVERY TIME

All-in-all, this was a great year, and I am so veryvery happy that I was able to watch it again. Thanks for reading!

#esc2014 #eurovision #eutovision2014 #conchita wurst

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roswelldetails · 6 years ago

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Episode 110: I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing - details

Episode Summary Isobel de-pods, reconciles with Noah, and sets out to gain back her blackout memories via more antidote. Michael tells Alex all about his origins and upbringing, and shows him his super fun alien science basement. Alex and Kyle try to figure out the coded message Jim left. And, Max and Cameron start trying to catch an alien bad guy. (Plus, other stuff happens.)

Details - this is not an exhaustive list of every single detail, just just a few that might be important now or later.

The cave & Max’s house

Isobel is de-podded and cured (we hope), then goes back to Max’s house to immediately begin making fun of her brother. (As a good sister should.)

Max isn’t telling Isobel about the 4th alien yet, wanting to give her the day to get her life going again.

Sanders Auto

Michael has told Alex the alien stuff offscreen, and Alex decides he now wants to know more about Michael’s childhood.

It turns out Michael was placed with: a couple of angry meth heads in Albuquerque, a violent drunk in Santa Fe, and then back in Roswell when he was 11 with fundamentalist religious freaks.

He was relieved to see that Max and Isobel had an easier time.

When he asks how Alex had already known about aliens, Alex tells him it was a “massive government conspiracy”

Michael thinks it’s funny until he realizes Alex isn’t joking.

Cam & Max

Cam tells Max about the 14 phoney autopsies she’s discovered. Her contact suggested that the real autopsies were destroyed but -

Max interrupts her, so we don’t find out how many of the real autopsies they’ve found in Jesse Manes stash of alien conspiracy paperwork.

Max apologizes for lying, but not for protecting his family, and Cam just hopes she doesn’t have an alien STD, and can we please catch the bad guy now?

Kyle & Mama Sheriff

Kyle, now pretty sure that his dad’s illness was no accident, interrogates asks his mom for more details.

Jim and a CT scan after an accident on Valentine’s day 2014 that showed no abnormalities, but by March 1 he had a huge tumor in his brain.

The doctor said they thought the cancer was accelerated due to “some environmental exposure”.

Hmm. Like Jesse’s cancer ray gun, I bet.

Apparently, Jim and Jesse had been friends until they’d had a falling out when Kyle was a teen.

The reason Jim gave was that Jesse had no code - or at least not one Jim agreed with.

Jim’s “unbreakable moral line” was “protect your children at all costs.”

Mama Valenti thought Jim was cheating on her with Rosa, but Kyle assures her it was Mama Ortecho, not Rosa, and Rosa was his daughter.

Also, according to Mama Sheriff, Jim wrote those letters for Kyle.

Michael’s fun alien science basement

Michael shows Alex the ship he’s been working on - something he’s never showed anyone.

The pieces naturally meld themselves back together when they’re close enough.

Apparently, offscreen Alex has told Michael that his family has been targeting Michael’s for generations. So why is Michael showing him everything?

Because Michael is tired of secrets and figures if anyone is going to destroy him, it might as well be Alex.

He thinks it’s the ships central control panel, and the key to getting him off the planet.

Meanwhile, Alex is freaking out that Michael is suddenly talking leaving Earth, and he excuses himself to “process”.

“Process” means go drink at the Wild Pony.

Wild Pony

Max and Cam are investigating one of the 14 murders - a girl (Carla) who was killed last year in May.

It turns out all the murders had the Wild Pony bar stamp on their wrist.

The stamp is only used twice a month when the bar gives out free food to people in need.

According to Racist Hank, Carla had been talking to someone he thought looked shady the last night she was seen.

Max assumes “shady” means not-white.

Isobel & Noah

Isobel goes home and tells Noah everything.

He’d freaked out and bought a gun when he’d seen her in her pod, but she convinces him not to use it.

Noah still loves Isobel after her story, and they decide to have a romantic picnic together, only to have their plans interrupted by Isobel’s flashback of Rosa.

In the flashback, Isobel talks to Rosa for the first time, starting a friendship and saying “I’m sick of being Isobel Evans.” She also doodles the alien symbol on a post, telling Rosa “it’s nothing.”

Hoping to get more flashbacks, Isobel convinces Noah to head to the hospital with her to get more antidote from Liz.

Protestors are blocking the hospital entrance, but Isobel uses her powers to make them move aside.

The hospital shooter is there protesting with the group.

Wild Pony

Maria’s power is legit! She’s able to tell what cards someone is looking at even when they’re trying to trick her.

Alex arrives for his drink, and Maria asks the reason for his day-drinking, hoping it’s nothing more than a boy problem.

When Alex confirms that it is, she senses that it’s about the mysterious museum guy from ten years ago. She begs him to finally tell her who it is.

Eventually, Alex admits that yes, it’s Michael Guerin, and he knows that Maria recently hooked up with him.

Maria assures him that it meant nothing to her, and she never would’ve done it if she’d known Michael was his museum guy.

The hospital

Isobel tells Liz how the antidote has started giving her her memories back, and she wants more.

Liz is reluctant, having no idea what side effects there might be, but Isobel insists, so she says she’ll give her a micro dose.

They’re interrupted (maybe - it’s unclear if she actually finishes the injection) by an alarm - there’s a shooter in the hospital!

Liz goes to stash the antidote saying “they can’t be exposed to light this long” while Noah is busy getting shot in the arm.

The government bunker

Kyle, now apparently having his own access to the bunker, has called Alex over to look at his dad’s papers.

Alex enters saying, “I was this close to embarking on a real bender at the Wild Pony.”

Alex immediately notices that Jim’s letters have symbols that match the symbols on the alien fragment, so he shows Kyle and starts talking about the complex algorithms he could use to decipher them.

But Kyle reminds him his dad was a regular dude, not a mathmetician, so Alex guesses maybe it’s a simple code.

Using “Magoo”, Kyle’s childhood nickname, they’re able to decipher the letters.

It begins “Hi Magoo I love you” - proving that they’re on the right track

The scene changes before we see the finished translation for the rest of the pages.

Hospital

Max goes in to find Liz while everyone else is exiting the hosptial to escape the shooter.

Liz and Co. are hunkered down in the lab, but once the lights start flickering, Isobel realizes it’s Max and opens the door for him.

Max escorts them out, then immediately heads back in to catch the shooter.

Meanwhile, the shooter enters Liz’s lab, breaks everything in sight, and then sets it on fire.

We do not see him take anything from the lab or open any drawers.

Outside, Isobel has another flashback of Rosa: they’re on the roof of the Crashdown, and Rosa is ranting about how the town will never let her change. She says “if I even am an Ortecho - my mom is a liar” indicating that she may have been aware that her mom had an affair.

Flashback!Isobel hugs Rosa because it seemed like she needed one.

Then we see another flashback where Isobel remembers talking to Rosa at the Crashdown the night of the prom saying, “I wish I could be who I am with you all the time.”

Then she has a flashback of finding Rosa by her vandalized car, and learning that Kate and Jasmine were responsible.

Michael runs and hugs Isobel, asking where Max is, and they all look towards the hospital waiting.

Inside, Max finds the shooter down in a basement, having no memory of what he’s done. The shooter then has a seizure.

After catching him, Max and Cam talk about how people getting amnesia after committing crimes is starting to become familiar.

The airstream

Isobel tells Michael about her flashbacks and how she felt like she had feelings for Rosa and wanted to hurt anyone who hurt her.

Michael isn’t shocked and welcomes her to the bisexual club.

But Isobel wants to get all her memories back, and assumes Michael has stolen some of the antidote.

He totally has. So he gives her some and she drinks it.

Kyle & Mama Sheriff

Kyle wants to know what Caulfield means, because it’s appeared repeatedly in Jim’s letters.

She tells him it’s a prison 100 miles north of Roswell where his grandfather first started as a corrections officer. But it’s been closed for decades.

The real-life town approx. 100mi north of Roswell is Santa Rosa, and there is a prison there, but it’s not called Caulfield. (FYI)

Wild Pony

Maria is working after the bar is closed, when Michael walks in to return her necklace.

He’d also like some free booze.

She immediately lets him know that she knows about him and Alex and that she never would’ve slept with him if she’d known the had history. It can’t happen again.

He says, “You keep saying that. I got it.”

Back turned, she tells him to come back when they’re open.

And he leaves.

Hospital lab

Liz’s lab has been damaged by the fire, and since nothing else was burned, Max is sure it was a targeted attack.

Regarding her “normal” science work, Liz says “The damage is gonna set us back months. We’ll have to start over - if the baord even lets us.”

But as Max and Liz talk, Liz realizes that it’s more likely someone was targeting her alien work in the lab.

Her antidote and serum is all missing.

Liz suggests to Max that the 4th alien is using some kind of mind-control power to make people murder.

She also suggests that the 4th alien is able to do that by taking control during someone’s blackout.

Wyatt was blackout drunk

The shooter had epilepsy

And Isobel was getting blackouts due to childhood trauma

Liz theorizes that Isobel is innocent, and has been controled by this 4th alien during her blackouts.

Isobel’s house

Isobel has another flashback, this time of the night Rosa died.

Rosa is looking for her backpack when Isobel shows up, telling her she doesn’t need to go anywhere because she’s already taken care of her problem with Kate and Jasmine.

When Rosa isn’t interested Isobel says, “This isn’t me, Rosa. This isn’t my body. I can be anything you want me to be.”

When Rosa assumes she’s just high, Isobel continues, “I’m not Isobel. You want someone strong, someone who will protect you, who won’t leave you. I can be that man. I killed those girls for you.”

Then she specifies that she snapped their necks, and they’re outside. She’d like Rosa to come see.

Rosa, seeming afraid of what will happen if she says no, agrees to go.

But “Isobel” reads her mind and says “You’re lying to me. I can feel what you feel. You hate me know, don’t you? You don’t want to be mine?”

Isobel glow-hands Rosa to death, telling her everything she’d done had been for her.

#roswell new mexico #liz ortecho #max evans #michael guerin #alex manes #kyle valenti #mama valenti #noah bracken #episode 110 #details #roswell nm season 1

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madness-of-lost-memories · 6 years ago

Text

Tagging Game

I was tagged by @sanhatipal , thanks for the tag! ^_^

Answers under the cut, since it ended up a bit long.

How tall are you? ♠ 157 cm! So, 5'2 inches. There was a time when I thought I'd grow more, but meh, at this point I'm pretty fond of my height (I can fit in pretty much every bath tub in existence like how cool is that).

What colour and style is your hair? ♠ I'm a brunette (shade-wise, "brown chocolate" looks the closest). Since my hair is naturally wavy (lol, apparently a "waviness" level exists; looks like mine is "Wavy 2A", aka the softest one), I pretty much only get it layered and leave it like that. As for length - right now it reaches my upper waist. During the summer, I wear it in a low ponytail. Oh, and I have side-swept bangs. Overall - very low maintenance, lol.

What color are your eyes? ♠ Light green, with a bit of yellow-ish brown around the iris. That said, as most light eyes, they can look a bit blue-ish or grey-ish at times, depending on the light.

Do you wear glasses? ♠ No, though my eyes aren't in a perfect condition (I'm slightly near-sighted + I really tire my eyes these days... years... xD).

Do you wear braces? ♠ No.

What’s your fashion sense? ♠ Erm, a simple one? Primarily skinny jeans + blouses/shirts. Main colours: black, red and white.

Full name? ♠ (H) Elena (of Troy).

When were you born? ♠ June 23rd, 1996 (technically, on the 3rd astronomical summer day here).

Where are you from and where do you live now? ♠ Bulgaria and I still live there.

What school do you go to? ♠ I barely remember anything before "high" school, so I'll talk mainly about that + university.

I went to a "Professional technical school"... Erm, kinda hard to explain to non-eastern european people, but basically a school that both teaches the normal subjects regular (high) schools have + special subjects, connected to a specific course (computer technology, optics, etc.). My course was called (lit. translation) "Cinematography, audio and video systems" and it contained pretty much everything from handling old-school movie projectors, to handling movie cameras, video editing, as well as some basics on sound capturing / editing, etc., etc. When you graduate you get 2 different diplomas and I guess you can skip on going to university, but I actually use what I learned there to earn money and pay my university fees xD

As for university - I study law, which many people here consider to be a “useless” degree, as unless you have solid connections (and relatives that work as lawyers, etc.), getting a job can be rather difficult... Still, I'm going to give it a try the "normal" way (aka via legit interviews, etc.) and we'll see how things will work out.

What kind of student are you? ♠ I was actually the student with the 2nd highest grade in my class, but I wouldn't say I had an interest in high grades in general. I was just scared of failing my teachers' expectations, so I tried my best.

As for university - it really depends on the subject, 'cause civil law is not something I'm too interested in and, naturally, my grades aren't too high xDD I try to prioritize the subjects I like / will need in the future and learn just enough to pass for everything else.

Do you like school? ♠ Yup, overall. My class was kinda split into groups, so there were conflicts, but there were a lot of fun moments too.

Favorite subject? ♠ I'd say Biology and later on - Literature. As for university - Criminal Law and Criminology.

Favorite tv shows? ♠ In no specific order - Victor Ros (Murder Mystery/Thriller), Victoria (Drama/History) and Anne with an E (Drama/Based on a book). As for anime - Psych-Pass, Durarara!! and Pandora Hearts (maybe it's the nostalgia, but I still love it, regardless of it's flaws).

Favorite movie(s)? ♠ At the top of my head - The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Red Dragon (2002), Phenomena (1985), Van Helsing (2004), Dog Soldiers (2002), Labyrinth (1986), Pan's Labyrinth (2006), The Hound of the Baskervilles (2000), The Never Ending Story (1984), When Marnie Was There (2014; though a lot of Ghibli movies come to mind), The Lion King (1994; + many other Disney movies), The Stoning of Soraya M. (2008);

Favorite book(s)? ♠ Oh, boy... Crime and Punishment (1866), all of the novels about Sherlock Holmes (The Hound of the Baskervilles being my favorite), Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949), The Chrysalids (1955), The Secret Garden (1911), The Picture of Dorian Gray (1890), The Silence of the Lambs (1988), Red Dragon (1981), Psycho (1959), Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming (1991), Dracula (1897), The Phantom of the Opera (1909), Memoirs of a Geisha (1997), the Grimm brothers' fairy tales aaaand more.

Do you have regrets? ♠ I don't really think so. Or should I say, I do, but they don't stay for long. I mean, just because I failed today doesn't mean I'll fail tomorrow as well, you know?

Dream job? ♠ As a kid I wanted to become a vet. Right now, I'm aiming for the position of a police investigator, though working as a prosecutor or private detective (at some point later on) is still a good option in my book.

Do you like shopping? ♠ Only online one, lol. I find (clothes) shopping to be slow and tedious for most of the time.

What countries have you visited? ♠ I've been to Germany for 4 days, during a music festival. At the time I was only 13, so I barely remember anything, aside that it was very cold, the natives seemed nice and I really liked the architecture of the houses + how quiet the small town was.

Scariest nightmare you have ever had? ♠ Once I dreamed my home city was hit by nuclear bomb (I literally saw the explosion out of my window), so I guess that. It's kinda funny how stressed one is after such a dream, before they realize (well, more like their brain realizes) that it was a dream and not reality.

Any enemies? ♠ I don't think so? Though I presume a handful of people online dislike me, but that is to be expected.

Do you believe in miracles? ♠ Not really, not in the classical sense. I think some things, good or bad, happen "at the roll of a dice". Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win. No more, no less.

How are you? ♠ In a good mood, probably since I'll be visiting the seaside soon ~

I’m too lazy to tag, so if you see this post and feel like sharing some info about yourself, consider yourself tagged!

#to the about me trash tag #I just noticed #I confused braces with bracelets #rolf

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