#like just so I can have the whole queer experience. I feel like im missing out.

[aliosne]

Came out to my mum 5: electric boogalive

[cosmic-giraffe]

PLEASE make that post about reducing hasemura and hirojima down to just their ships im desperate to see people complain about this please i hate it so much

Ask anon, and you shall receive

First of all, I touched on this issue a few weeks ago, as you can read here, so I'll try and explain my thought process better! Secondly, this less of a complaint, and more of a study in fandom etiquette and the like.

I think people narrowing down the characters of Ken, Kazutoshi, Ojima and Hiroaki to their respective ships isn't an issue solely in the Tetro fandom, or Danganronpa as a whole. It's an issue in any media that includes queer ships, or ships in general (which is literally any media ever). As a gay person, I'll be speaking from my experience with this problem in fandom.

First of all, Hasemura. Both Ken and Kazutoshi are very interesting characters on their own, and their chemistry is undeniable. I'm a sucker for these two; for somebody as shy and socially awkward as Ken to befriend a brooding, jaded guy like Kazutoshi makes for some very fun and insightful interactions. Their contrasting lives and personalities are one of the draws for their dynamic. There was obviously something going on between the two of them, even if they never got the chance to vocalize or even understand the feelings they had. But this will-they-won't-they aspect of their dynamic isn't all that's to them.

Kazutoshi was a very depressed individual. He'd faced many hardships in his life, from losing his family at a young age to his myriad of health issues, to his mental illnesses resulting in multiple failed suicide attempts. But outside of his trauma, Kazutoshi was a very smart person. He was a forensic crime scene cleaner for God's sake, which definitely isn't an easy profession, mentally or physically. He wanted to study, he wanted to move past his hardships and flourish, he wanted to live. Just like everybody else in the killing game. But Kazutoshi was a total asshole, which I love. He didn't hold his tongue and kept people at arm's length out of fear of being hurt again.

Ken is the inverse of that. He has a supportive family, he has wealth, he has a support system in place. He might not be the loudest personality in the room, and he might stumble over his words more often than he can get a full sentence out, but Ken is a very kind and considerate individual.

For people to reduce all the intricacies and nuance of their characters and writing to their ship is doing them both a huge disservice. There's so much more to them than that. It's so much more interesting to view Kazutoshi and Ken's potential for a relationship as a small piece in the puzzle of their lives, instead of it being all-encompassing.

Going back to Kazutoshi, it is very sad to see the main takeaway from his death being "He never got to tell Ken that he loved him!" Which, yes, is undeniably tragic. In media, there's a sad trope called "Bury your gays", in which gay characters are killed off before they can ever have a happy ending.

I'm definitely not accusing Von of this, as Danganronpa has plenty of queer characters that die off (Chihiro, Mondo, Taka, Ibuki, Nagito, Tenko, etc.). But for people to look over all the missed opportunities Kazutoshi will never get the chance to experience because of his brutal death in favour of making his loss about Ken again is not the best look.

Now, onto Ojima and Hiroaki, because BOY do I have thoughts about these two, mainly Hiroaki (the little shit he is, I love him so much lmao).

These two suffer the same issue as Hasemura, that being all their characterization being boiled down to their shipping potential. Which isn't unsurprising, as they're two skinny pale twinks in an anime art style, which is like crack for teenage fujoshis lmao

But on a serious note, Ojima and Nakamigawa are more similar to each other than Ken and Kazutoshi are. Both have tense relationships with their families and their reputation, both have unresolved trauma, and both of them have an interest and career in the arts.

But that's where they differ. Ojima is an illustrator, and has a very intense crunchtime to navigate under in his profession. The stress of having to create art for countless projects definitely has its toll on him, but he still retains the passion that got him into this sector in the first place. Ojima doesn't have a bombastic personality, but he is stern when he needs to be, and is definitely one of the more mature students in the killing game. His bouts of disassociation are also an integral aspect of his character, and they are intermittent and uncomfortable.

And Hiroaki is one of the most annoying students ever and I love him. He's crass, pompous, has an irritating holier-than-thou attitude to anybody he deems to be beneath him, and can't take what he dishes out. He constantly picks fights and insults people, and then acts surprised when nobody wants to be around him. But underneath all that veneer of flashy designer clothes and bad boy image, Hiroaki is a very insecure boy that needs somebody to reel him in and let him know that being open, honest, and in touch with his feelings isn't at all a bad thing to be. He's shown his more sensitive side when he thinks Ojima is dissociating, when Tsuno was upset and she sought comfort from him out of all the other students in the school, and when he helped Hama and Wada grieve the loss of Isono, Chiba and Harada.

Hiroaki has the capability to grow and become a better person, and due to recent events, he is starting to do so. I hope he stays on this path and doesn't backtrack when things get tough.

Now, onto their dynamic. Ojima and Hiroaki obviously contrast and compliment each other well. This is all thanks to Von's writing. When Hiroaki shoots his mouth off, it's almost always Ojima that reels him in. When Ojima is in one of his lapses, it's usually Hiroaki who keeps him company by simply staying in the room, drawing, while he patiently waits for him to come back. They share dorm rooms to the point they're basically one room, they share clothes, they even share beds sometimes. The chemistry between them is undeniable, and that's why they're such a good pairing.

But what irks me is when people make their personalities completely revolve around the other. Hiroaki this, Ojima that, Hiroaki this, Ojima that. No mention of their interesting dynamics with other students, like how Ojima and Wada bonded over their respective histories with trauma, nor how Hiroaki and Tsuno confide their problems in each other so as to not burden anybody else with them (I'll take any opportunity to bring up Tsuno lmao).

And this is never more prevalent with Hiroaki's coming out scene.

It doesn't take a genius to know that being closeted is a very stressful time in a queer person's life. It's hiding a huge aspect of your life for fear of being judged by outsiders, or from being judged by yourself. That's why some people never come out of their closet, and are unable to accept and be their true selves. Which happens all too often.

Hiroaki's internalized homophobia kept him closeted for years of his life, which definitely wouldn't have helped his self-image issues. Being thrust into the public eye as the Ultimate Fashion Designer definitely wouldn't have helped, either, as now he had thousands of eyes on him. Due to this pressure, he played up his bad boy image by dating and sleeping with girls he had no attachment to, just to cover up for his own crippling insecurities and inability to accept himself.

When Hiroaki does come out of the closet for the very first time, when he finally accepts an aspect of his life he'd been repressing for years, he says it to Yanagi. Not Ojima. Yanagi. Yanagi, the guy who almost sold them all down the river during the first trial when he covered up for Sasaki (who they also both had very differing views on). Yanagi, the guy who beat the shit out of him and broke his nose, dislodged his tooth, and bruised up the face that he'd kept in immaculate condition for the public constantly watching his every move.

Out of all the people in the killing game, Hiroaki told Yanagi, and it was excellent writing for that to be the case. There was no judgement, no criticism, just acceptance, which is what Hiroaki has been seeking his entire life. But was forced to wear a costume that wasn't really him, just to avoid the pain of rejection or judgement.

And for some people to take this monumental step in Hiroaki's journey of self-acceptance and make it all about Ojima is INSANELY insulting. It's obvious that Hiroaki has feelings for Ojima, which definitely added to the mounting pressure of him being closeted, but in that moment, it was about Hiroaki and loving himself.

Now, in summary, I'm not saying shippers can't ship Hasemura or Hirojima. Quite the opposite. Be unapologetically gay!! But also keep in mind the harm they're doing when they reduce the participants down to their attraction to the other, as it is a disservice to Tetro's excellent character writing, and also perpetuates the issue that has been prevalent in fandom spaces for way too long now.

This was a very long post and I didn't realize just how much I had to say about this subject, but here we are!! Tetro has definitely wormed its way into my heart, and its characters are constantly rotating in my brain like a microwave lmaooo

[genderkoolaid]

advice on how to get over the fear that t is going to make me ugly? or that i’m going to miss “the old me”

i’m a queer trans guy and i’ve been questioning going on t for years now and i know i definitely want bottom growth, body fat redistribution and more body hair.

but im err on the side of face and voice changes. i’m scared of disliking my new voice and suddenly growing dysphoric over it (i dont have too much voice dysphoria now) and disliking how my new face will look. i’m kinda genderfluid as well so it’s complicated. but i don’t want to go my whole life without knowing what it’s like to be on hrt. but i can’t get over the fear of looking/finding myself ugly and undesirable and losing my community... which is ironic cuz i find other trans men attractive as hell. i discussed this in therapy and i still feel this way :/

i wish there was a way for me to start without telling anyone and then breaking the news when i’m experiencing changes and feeling more confident about it. i have my gender dysphoria diagnosis and i can start if i want to, but i need my family’s financial support. i don’t want to make it a big deal since it’s just something i’d be trying out to feel more like myself in certain ways.

sorry this turned into a long ass rant and you don’t have to reply but i’m just gonna kindly leave it in the ask box 💀

There's a post that goes like "all of life is irreversible. i cannot go back a single second" and I think thats something good to keep in mind when you are thinking through this. You are already living with a body that has changed and will continue to change in ways largely out of your control. You are already living in a post-irreversible-alteration body.

If you do go on T and find you don't like how your voice sounds: for one, you can stop at any time (& if you haven't checked out microdosing as an option, you should). But two: plenty of people live with a deeper voice than they want. Plenty of people live with facial hair they dislike. You can pursue the same therapies and procedures they do. Or maybe you don't, and you find ways to live with a voice or face you aren't totally in love with.

So much detransition fearmongering, especially directed at transmascs & assoc. trans people, heavily relies on the specter of the fallen woman, itself steeped in trans-misogyny & intersexism. The idea that, for one, a "woman" who has mixed-sex features is ugly and undesirable, and two, that a "woman" made undesirable is forever doomed to be miserable and worthless. The transphobic story of detransition keeps our bodies stuck in this moment of revulsion and regret, narratively preventing us as characters from being able to move on and live happy lives in atypical bodies. Even if you do regret/dislike some things about T, you are not forever stuck in that feeling. The story does not stop at that! You will just keep living and find new ways of dealing with your bodily feelings!

The social aspect of this is a bit more complicated but I also have some firsthand experience with it. Because, as mentioned before, there's a lot of transphobic misogyny/misogynistic transphobia that affects transmascs & others who go on T, who have to confront the feeling of losing your potential desirability. And then there's also the way many people are treated after going on T, facing a whole new area of bodily scrutiny: you may suddenly have people making comments about how someone needs to force teenage boys to shave because their facial hair is a personal offense. I went from being self-conscious about how high my voice was to being self-conscious about how undeniably trans my voice was. And, specifically, my facial hair, voice changes, etc. were all signs of my transmasculine desire, and I became self-conscious about how obvious it was that I desired being trans, I desired this body. I could no longer let everyone pretend I was a cishet girl at family gatherings and avoid confronting these issues, because I had essentially written I WANT TO BE A TRANNY all over my physical form.

This is something I'm still struggling with myself. I, like many other queer & autistic people, already struggled with feeling desirable or worthy of being seen alongside conventionally attractive cishet people who could act normal. Being visibly trans, and taking a huge step away from the desirable cis-perisex-girl body, can really open up that can of worms. Especially being genderfluid/genderqueer! Because we often cannot find a comfortable space for ourselves within the conventions of attractiveness for cis men, like some binary trans men are able to.

But ultimately, I don't regret going on T at all. I would have had body issues regardless, and I got a lot out of going on T. I think mentally preparing yourself to struggle with these things, and seeking out other transmasc people, is a big help. Again: all of life is irreversible. we cannot go back a single second. We are already living in imperfect bodies we struggle to love or see as worthy. If you know you want some of the things T can offer, and you don't want to go your whole life without knowing, then just do it. Dive in, and don't feel any shame if you decide to get out. Just keep living and finding ways to live better right now.

[fairycosmos]

not brave enough to go off anon but oh my god you are so right about fatphobia in the queer community. i finally started actually prioritizing my health over aesthetics and gained 100 pounds and while i'm still on the smaller side (right in between straight size and plus size) holy SHIT the way people treat me and my body pivoted so fast. i used to get so much positive attention from other queer people no matter how i was dressed when i was skinny from being sick, but now that i'm fat and healthy i only get the same treatment when i'm dressed up and have contour to hide my double chin. it's literally unreal how fast people's attraction to you goes away when they see you're not built like a twink

omg im so sorry to hear that has been your experience, unfortunately it doesn't surprise me at all!!! honestly as a plus size person it's like. people go on about the crazy beauty standards and bodily expectations straight dudes have for women but my experience with other lgbt has not been wildly different. like the whole skinny twink thing is clearly coveted in the community even if people rarely direct address it and being overweight still gets you ostracised in the eyes of other lgbt people and it's like. there is nowhere on earth safe to just have a body that isn't a size 6. because if you're actually plus size that is immediately going to call into question whether or not you're loveable even through the eyes of other marginalised people!! it's such a harsh way to exist and anyway. all this to say im so glad you're feeling healthier and that you yourself are at a more comfortable place with your body. lately i have literally no energy from not eating right and struggling with body image and i don't have the like physical or emotional capacity for anything and it literally feels like i don't exist. i can barely interact with others or go about my day and i miss when i cared less about what i eat. so hearing that you are genuinely doing better and that you feel good means a lot to me and i truly hope the dumb ass people who have made you feel weird about gaining weight get fucked fr. anyone would be lucky to have you especially the healthiest happiest version of you! X

[prettyboykatsuki]

u don’t have to answer but how do u long for someone u loved so much at 14 while also being deeply committed to your partner. no judgement in pbk land i am just a lil drunk and trying to understand

i will try my best to explain this but being very frank (and not at all in a negative way!!) i think we are probably just two fundamentally different people with two vastly different concepts of what constitutes love and longing

the short answer is simply bc they are different people. my love for this person (ill call them j) and my partner are separate things. because they are just separate humans and separate experiences. the things i love about them sometimes overlap but they are both my people in different ways. i would never compare them.

its all very messy but all three of us are close also. like this person is my partners best friend and the whole arrangement is kind of complicated and idk how much i wanna air my business out kfjfshdkj. tldr is that me and j love each other very deeply in a way that is not romantic nor quite platonic and they are someone that will always be in my life. we did try romance sort of but they are aro and i dont think that feeling is what i feel for them anyway. its different to what my partner makes me feel.

so the sense of love and longing is not the exact same though it's probably closer to 'romance' then what we view typically as friendship. like i hold them in my lap and other gay shit lol

im the kind of queer that is very free love about these kinds of things. my partner has a qpr who i dont know and everything too

my partner is my life partner and the person i feel closest to in my life. it is romantic of course but its also more than that. i talk to him about everything and trust in him to communicate and vice versa. if im jealous or lonely or scared - i tell him and we work it out and he does the same for me and we check in on each other all the time. he comes first and he always will.

but my love and affection for someone else does not dim my love for him. love isnt a scarce resource i have to preserve but something i give of my own will. its not a threat because there's nothing to threaten. no love will replace him because it's not like anyone can be him any way.

when your love for someone transcends the role they fill in your life, a lot of doors open about who and how you love i think. i fall in love and experience affection for people as they are if i had to put it to words. not because of what they can do or a desire for connection but because the experience of them, specifically, moves me. i cant really speak for other people but for me its like that.

im not someone who really personally subscribes to monogamy and i never really have. my partner and i have had a more open relationship for all of it pretty much with some years and my trust in him has only deepened over time and through several wounds.

i long and crave and miss people because they are who they are. no person is replaceable ykwim. so the absence of someone cant be filled by someone else and it also cant be changed by another person. my partner is my life partner and the man i want to marry someday.

but j is my j. i love them because they have silly idiosyncrasies. theyre a talented artist and skittish with affection and sensitive. and i love them so deeply it makes me sick. i love how much they try for me.

and i love my partner just as much. we'll spend new years together, all three of us (and j's whole family dsjfjsld) - but im seeing them both separately and im sure they'll see each other separately too

so its like these things are not contradictory to me in anyway. they're not feelings in conflict with one another inside of me at all. its complicated but relationships are always that way

i hope that made a little sense!! its kind of hard to explain without extra context!!

[tea-and-secrets]

something ive noticed in my transition - women just do not treat me the same. its weird /: it felt like one day i was the butch everyone hid behind & felt safe with, and the next i was scaring ladies by just like existing

idk it just hits me really fuckin hard every now and again yk? like tn for example. i work at a restaurant, we close at 11pm, i typically take the last bus of the night home. tonight there was this woman (20s? 30s?), real pretty, real white, and obvs new to town. anyway, she got on at the same stop i did, and she got off at the same one i did (i live in company housing, and most all of us have 2nd jobs so its quite routine to see another [redacted] employee on the city bus to/from work #2). now its a mile long walk right on the edge of the creepy ass woods, in the pitch black, to the company apt complex. and i was walking behind her the whole way 😐 she got so freaked out y'all! mace open n ready, keys in the fingers, pretending to be on the phone, etc. and im jus over here takin my sweet ass time walkin so i can star gaze. i felt bad for her feeling scared, so idk i just made noise and turned my flashlight on and tried to let her get as far ahead of me as possible. mostly cuz i was Not about to have her call the fuckin c*ps on me, an entire ass queer brown man, for daring to walk home in the dark behind her. BITCH WE GOT BEARS OUT HERE like if ur so "scared" of me wtf u gon do when u come face to face wit them? die??

sorry that was all over the place im just. so tired!!!! of cis women & white people being "scared" of me because of who i am and what i look like (ive been told i look like an ndn chulo 🤔 sorta danny trejo mixed wit rez kid, but fagged up real good). i miss the "innate" kinship, the "i do not know you but that person is being creepy af so ig we've been besties since grade school" or "hi, ik im walking so close behind u but its cuz ur bleeding. heres a tampon hun" or "were bonding over having a very similar experience within this society" kinda thing yk?

of course, i still have that with [most] other queers it just, hurts ig. to have my "role" flipped so suddenly. i *like* being someone ppl flock to for safety. i *enjoy* protecting others and providing comfort. i *want* randoms to feel comfortable enough with me to ask for help if they need it. idk 😐 hard bein 🫳🏽 and a 2Spirit fagdyke

.

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen!! i wanted to let you know how much your advice means to me as a young butch as well as ask you for some advice.

i live in a tight-knit community and go to a small school. because my school is so small, we are allowed to attend prom all four years of high school. i didn't go my freshman and sophomore year despite my friends encouragement. last year i got asked by a girl as well and i turned her down. im in my junior year now and i still don't want to go. the thing is that there's this girl (who i like) who wants me to go. i feel like she likes me too and i don't want to disappoint her.

my avoidance to prom has to do with the whole dressing up fancy deal. ive avoided the first two years because i am uncomfortable wearing dresses and am worried about what people would think of me if i wore not-a-dress. the area where i live isn't super homophobic, but i know plenty of people that are. some people i know and care about are a little bit homophobic too. im worried about what people would think of me if i dressed unconventionally like that. people talk, as im sure you know. im worried about being discredited or belittled for my sexuality. i know some other queer teens, but it feels like such a jump to show up to prom in a suit. especially since im not explicitly out to many people yet and am generally cautious/apprehensive.

im considering wearing a dress to prom so i can show up with this girl, even though i know ill be uncomfortable. shes a nice girl and would probably encourage me to wear what i want if she knew how i felt, same with my friends.

i don't know if it's worth it though. i am scared of what people will think about me. im a year and a half away from college and living my best, queerest life. i could just wait. but i also don't want to regret not going and missing out on those classic teen experiences.

my heads swimming and id love your input!! i really admire you and want to be like you someday. thanks <3

I remember high school. I too went to a small rural school back in the 1980's. IT is not as easy as some people say. Those of us older often forget that high school is bascially a "closed" society that we are stuck in for all for years so every decision seems to hold weight. Doing something out of step with the "status quo" can have consequences we have to deal with for whatever is left of our 4 years.

SO older lesbians telling youngers to "do what you want" or "just be yourself" or "you have it so much easier than I (we) did" is not only unhelpful it can be detrimental at best and dangerous at worst. Some of my generation look back to high school through the lens of time and experience that think we "would have been more brave" and that NOW young lesbians have the freedom to do as they please because public sentiment and laws have turned in our favor. High school is just not that different now and laws and adult reactions do not apply.

SO here is my advice. Go with your crush. But ask her to go with you to pick an outfit. You do not have to wear a dress. It is wholly acceptable for women to wear suits. You don't have to wear a generic man's tux or suit, they are often ill fitting and boxy anyway, especially on women. GO to a tux or suit shop that sells women's styles and fit. You don't have to do the man's style with the tie and suit coat. A pair of black slacks, a white button down, can be pleated (woman's style) or not and a nice black vest without a tie is perfectly nice formal wear for a high school prom. To dress it up you can wear a colored vest either solid or with a pattern.

Any decent place that sells or rents formal wear will have women cut suits. Rental is not cheap but it is worth spending your hard earn bucks to look fabulous and feel confident. Check in your local suit shops, even department stores like JC Penneys or similar. Many offer women's suits and even have a list of local tailors that can do a fitting.

You might have to compromise a bit on what you would really like to wear but I think giving a little on the outfit and still having a style you feel okay in will be a small price to pay to spend a wonderful night out with her.

[anulithots]

Link click yapper here sorry but Im dying to know how many lasts/first did CXS forget/never got to experience again. Like I think that CXS did off himself in the flashback LG has when he got shot so I wonder what changed in that timeline for the ending to change (although the results were the same)

TW for discussions of CXS’s suicide

Oohhh so like what differences there was in this timeline from the last? The things CXS experienced the last time around that he won’t be able to experience in the current timeline for the sake of keeping him alive?

(I am in pain. Also note that plot theories are slightly out of my area of expertise - character and theme analysis - but I’ll try my best!)

Okay so this is partially inspired by @snowpoet123’s amazing fic - three time’s the charm - so I think that CXS doesn’t get to experience becoming close with Lu Guang in this timeline, and there MUST be some things he missed there. Not to say that Lu Guang and CXS aren’t as close in the current timeline because they are close in literally every timeline and every medium they are so queer for each other afjaskdfjasd. (I have a whole essay on the trust between them /exaggeration but not by much). So I imagine that CXS would miss a lot of those ‘firsts’ with Lu Guang like… idk what do normal freinds do… okay nevermind what would these two nuerodivergent sillies do… I imagine they would play a lot of basketball and just hang out before and after a lot before they did the whole ‘moving in together and being business partners thing’ (apologies for my pandering the headache is headaching today).

Like in the current timeline he ‘miraculously appeared in their lives’. So I imagine there would be lots of little misadventures - similar to the chibi shorts - before they trusted each other to such a degree. Paticularly in college and such… and I’ll have to see the yingdu arc to be sure but… hmm I imainge tihngs would be different there as well. And I don’t think it’s needs to be dramatic at all, like it would be wonderous if their first tiem around they are just.. there for each other.

I saw this one headcannon where CXS would speak for Lu Guang if Lu Guang didn’t know what to say (in social situations). And I think it would go both ways tbh. With Lu GUang doing things for CXS if CXS is upset (similar to post-ep 5)

… I feel like I’m not answering this right. mmm i’ll come back to this and add more thoughts… after I nap.

OKay what changed for the timeline to change -

If one goes with the ‘Lu Guang didn’t have powers in the first timeline and CXS passed them to Lu Guang when he died in Lu Guang’s arms (very queer of him)’ theory, then they wouldn’t have had their time travel business in the first timeline. Perhaps CXS went on his own through photos, and one can theorize whether he went back in time for the same purpose of getting information from the photos… because a part of me is like: ‘what if he tried to find his parents?’

But considering that CXS brought up the idea of the time travel business to Lu Guang, one can assume he came up with the idea first… and after sleeping my brain still isn’t working sooo I might come back to this.

But perhaps the time travel business originally was CXS diving into photos on his own, Qiao Ling getting clients, and CXS is still becoming friends with Lu Guang.

Without Lu Guang’s guidance, I do imagine CXS might mess around in time, and wouldn’t know the parameters of what can and can’t happen. ANd perhaps because he went back into time on his own, could not tell anyone and didn’t have much support for how emotionally draining the photos are…. perhaps then he dethatched from the world (See CXS post s1ep5) and did off himself because of that.

Lu Guang is horrified because at this point they’ve gotten very close, and he goes back in time to save him. Ta da ta da!

Thank you for the ask!

(My apologies if this is incoherent, I might write some more on this later!)

[dungeons-are-too-cold]

just got home from i saw the tv glow...

SPOILERS FOR I SAW THE TV GLOW

thats gonna need a rewatch

and a long long long long nap

because i am not entirely sure how to deal with everything i saw and the ending and my emotions???? I did not cry (its been a weird day and i am cried out) but like im kinda stunned by it ya know? it was really hard, and really rewarding, and really hard. like not depressing just, sobering? like really hard lmao

like theres something about it thats not frustrating or difficult but like dry and bland (the plot and the feeling not like the movie was bland, but like the emotions within the movie were emmulating a sort of bland unmoving everyday feeling that the characters were feeling) and like overwhelmingly mundane. Just the whole experience owen has throughout the film is so quiet and deeply shameful and protectively mundane, like how he says hes too scared to look inside to check if something is missing... like thats, holy shit man. ya know?

and that's not to say that's bad, i don't want that to be what people think i think, cuz its very very very the opposite of bad. its an incredible piece of cinema in general, but especially queer cinema. I am absolutely dumbstruck by its brilliance. Its just hard. and that's good and the point and okay that its hard. its supposed to be, because it is.

i feel like an asshole in away though because i didnt cry. But I think i was just like, stunned by it more so. Like i was sobered by it, and i have this quiet sort of emotional hollowness in relation to owen and maddie and their friendshipn and their journeys and everything. I feel at a loss for words. I feel like i dont know what to do or say or how to live my life now? like i feel like im in the midnight realm. but the pink opaque feels so incredibly far from my reality that there is almost no attachment to it. I know its real, i just cant get there.

I feel like, in my queerness, i cant see a pink opaque for me. But not in the same disbelief and fear and insanity owen has for maddie in the planetarium like it cant be real at all, but idk like in a resigned kind of dead ache on the inside of me kind of way. I know its real, i just cant get there. And i think that's whats so unsettling and terrifying and humbling and subduing and solemn about it i guess. Its just like, its hard

im sorry I keep saying its hard, its the truth.

as u can see i am unwell about this film in a very scary way i think.

[mommyclaws]

look as a lesbian I don’t get why it’s so awful to just want lesbian spaces?? We as queer people all have different experiences and we can have smaller spaces while still embracing the whole community.

Lesbians go through different experiences than bi non-men do. That DOES NOT mean “we suffer more” or whatever because I hate the whole oppression olympics shit. We are not attracted to men neither sexually nor romantically, and that’s what makes us oppressed in this heteronormative world. We go through harassment, corrective rape, violence, and conversion “therapy” because we are homosexual. If my dad ever found out I was exclusively attracted to women I would get kicked out. Why is it suddenly so awful and “gatekeepy” to ask us to have our own spaces? We still have sapphic spaces! We even have bi spaces and pan spaces! Heck, I see gay non-women are allowed to have their own spaces!

It’s harmful to be treated as a monolith. I’m not attracted to men, and saying im an “exclusionist” for this is lesbophobic. I’m not evil for being exclusively attracted to non-men. I’m not evil for saying we should have our own spaces while we’d still have sapphic spaces!

Words have meanings, and the lesbian label is important to me, for all of its history and all of my struggles. I’m tired of us all being seen as “big mean lesbians who hate men” so so much. It reeks of misogyny to me.

I am heavily disappointed, and I ask everyone to please understand why bi lesbians are harmful.

I'm disappointed you've missed the point of my post. I was talking about the history of different lesbians and sapphics being excluded and hated in our community through generations. The conversation wasn't about bi lesbians specifically, it was about the butches, transfemmes, Pan/Bi, Aro/Ace, nonbinary, and countless other identities that were or ARE still considered not "valid" members of our community at point or another. I was pointing out how this "Bi Lesbian exclusion" is just a repeat of past mistakes and in the retrospective it is rooted in radfem/terf ideology that claims sapphics have to present and feel a certain way to be accepted. I didn’t say anywhere that being attracted to non-men is evil, I didn’t call anyone a “big mean lesbian”. You’re putting words into my mouth. That entire post was about defending sapphic’s right to attraction and expression.

Lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, non cis women and etc can all be oppressed, harassed, hate crimed, rejected by friends/family and other terrible things for their non heteronormative attraction.

Some people are failing to realize these exclusively “one identity spaces" they feel are being threatened don't actually exist in real life. Sure someone can have like, a "nonbinaries only" discord server or a meet up with friends who are all the the same identity. But a majority of queer spaces in real life? They don't have those rules because theres no way to separate queer identities neatly like that- There isn't a need to. You're going to find bisexuals and pansexuals and nonbinaries and trans people and all sorts of other identities at the same lesbian bar, the same sapphic support group, the same circle of friends.

So what exactly are these "spaces" that every other identity has and lesbians supposedly don't? Maybe ask why bisexuals, pansexuals, etc also being in a sapphic space feels so threatening to some in the first place? They have a right to be there as well. We are a community.

A label can be used and defined as whatever the owner of the label is comfortable with! "Lesbian" has always been an umbrella term. It can be a singular identity or it can describe any sapphic experience or it can do lots of things, labels have always been flexible in this way. Someone using the label differently than another person isn't harmful. It's expression.

[13tinysocks]

Anon from the post where you put a pic of shitting lamb here hi hello!!

Predictions were on point since you write your characters very consistently! Or I am in ur walls. Mice behind the sink watch out watch out!!

The chapter was SO GOOOD you cooked you ate!! Real excited about that Natalie tidbit teeheehee I miss her a lot can't wait for Joan to experience the ribbed neon monster dildo 3000 and a facefull of pussy yessirrr yessirr 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Also jack was so cool! He definetly feels more secure in ho1c. On one hand, the whole concept of him giving joan some space and encouraging them to do something else than brood and have sex is cute. However, BARKBARKARFGHRRRRRR CRAZY TENTACLE PORN. I think they need a good stereo playing type o negative's christian woman or some other and they can get it ON!!! If joan knew what a spotify was they'd be fucking soo nasty to horny songs with religious themes plsplspls Holy virgin groove coverage WHO??

Dog shit anon... Little Lamb anon... Stinky anon... Many names for you...

Jack is just a guy. Joan is just a freak who has no social skills. The popular boy nerd loser archetype is archetyping in the chat right NEOW!!!

Im a little nervous putting in a character trait of Joan's being a slut. Because it's such a nuanced and difficult situation they're in and filling emotional holes with sex well- to some commenters its off putting. The amount of people who wanted Joan to be uwu virginal, monogamous, sex for love only girl, is astounding. Like you do you, I get that mass relateability is something we typically go for but idk. It's more interesting this way.

And why I can say house isn't super popular. Plus all the queerness, a lot of people don't like that lol. Brings me back to my favorite comment I've ever revieced

I'm not afraid of faggots.

Ok kind of camp slay....

Joan's music taste is... Imo ass. Im sorry ghouls but Joan only listens to male manipulator, why does everyone leave me, the world is against me, fuck ass music. Like straight to jail for that Spotify wrapped girlie.

[arden-wings]

i have been so in love with chappell roan's music for the past several months. it's beautiful and fun and poppy, but it makes me extremely emotional and i didn't realize why until i burst into tears after listening through the whole album for the first time.

growing up in the deep south, in fear of your love of women, being so desperate to talk about it but so reserved at the same time, dreaming of kissing women, dating them, loving them, having sex with them. but you are in the south in a mormon family who fears it just as much as you do.

i never did any of the things i dreamed of. in many ways i feel like i missed out on something, some kind of pivotal experience.

now my gender has expanded past just "girl." im more than that, somehow, even if i can't fully define it. her music gives me very deep transmasculine feelings sheerly based on the fact that i did find myself in women's queer spaces, and now i just. don't identify fully with that anymore.

i am still girl in many ways, but i have had so many experiences a cis girl would never have. im just a bunch of stuff cobbled together and that's a cool magical thing, but there is a certain grief to evolving past something you were once desperate to understand and be a part of.

i like being a girl. i still don't fully understand it. i love my masculine side. i don't really fully understand it either. i am in a long term relationship with a smart, kind, gentle trans man who opened my eyes to how vast and wonderful gender can be.

i think the point of this post is- gender is so much more than you think. it is whatever you understand it as or want it to be. you are perfect. you were meant to be.

oh, and chappell roan is perfect. but you all know that.

[coulson-is-an-avenger]

I’ve never read moby dick in my entire life but seeing you post about it so much made me want to give it a try! any warnings before I go into it? :D

oh my god gbskxjs okay first of all im honored that my mad posting has had this effect :DD!! you are so powerful for this, genuinely 💙💙

and secondly YEAH ok i can absolutely give some warnings!!!! this answer got long tho so I'm gonna put it under the cut 🐳💙

Firstly: the main thing most people struggle with in Moby Dick (myself included) is how utterly rambley the narrator is.

there WILL be pages upon chapters at a time where he simply Cannot get to the point, which is frustrating!!! something that helped me to keep in mind, though, is that Ishmael is doing that on purpose to avoid having to relive his trauma. It helped me to think of his whale rants as either a friend infodumping, or a desperate plea for the story to stop repeating.

if that doesn't help, you can always look up a summary for a chapter to see if there's any plot you'll miss by skipping it lmao

The Racism. This is a novel written by a white man in the early 1800s. There is some bullshit in this.

Although Melville does try to be conscious abt race and stereotypes, and has a very diverse cast, he still majorly fucks up. He regularly refers to several major characters as "s*vage", uses outdated terminology for Black people, throws out all sorts of shitty descriptors for folks, and rarely lets the characters of color speak for themselves. It's important to be aware of that going in.

This one is a weird dichotomy though, bc like. on one hand. all of that is infuriating. but on the other hand, the love interest of the narrator is literally a Pasifika man who is a gorgeous character that undercuts a ton of stereotypes and is allowed to be a nuanced person with a life that exists outside of the white characters. There's several characters of color who get to be People and have nuanced experiences and vibrant lives!! Pip and Tashtego and arguably Ahab himself are all fascinatingly nuanced folks that are not entirely bound by stereotypes!!

Animal death — this is a book about whaling gbsjfjjf

However comma, there's also an entire character who isn't allowed to exist outside of "evil zoroastrian stereotype" so hgbbjggbngmdhhf. it's a whole thing. Be aware of it.

Child Endangerment

This is a rough one. Whaling in general was a very deadly profession for everyone, and a lot of people, including kids died on these ships, some by accident, others from abuse.

There is a VERY important scene later on in the book where one such child is shamed, threatened, and ultimately left for dead. That isn't the end of the story for this particular child, but it's good to know going in, I feel.

Seriously though a significant portion of the book is dedicated to violently killing and then harvesting the corpses of whales. It does get sad! Some whales are killed more brutally than others. There is gore.

Rope violence/strangulation

This is just a safe one to mention. Lots of shit goes wrong with the rigging/harpoon lines in the book. Several characters are seriously injured or killed directly due to this.

Suicidal themes/tragedy

The first chapter literally starts off the book with this gbskfjwjd but it is a present theme throughout, and especially in regards to the final tragedy. A significant portion of the story involves characters thinking that they have no choices left but to die.

In tandem with that, this book is a tragedy. Like a "everybody dies" kind of tragedy. Do not go into this story thinking that you're getting a happy ending out of it LMAO. there's love and joy and good times within the story, but it ultimately ends in tragedy.

This is a long ass post, but hopefully it's thorough enough to give you answers!!! On the more uplifting side: I did have a fantastic time reading this. The characters are all super compelling, the queer and disabled rep is genuinely incredible for the time, the narrative is truly awesome, and it left a huge impact on me. It definitely earns its place as a masterpiece of American literature imo.

I will also note that if you would prefer to engage with an adaptation of MobyDick that is not narratively racist to its characters, generally more accessible, and also gorgeous, I will always recommend @pocketsizedquasar-3 's Moby Dick (Or, The Webcomic)! It is, as of yet, unfinished, but they're currently releasing pages weekly, and it's what got me to read the book in the first place. There's a ton of heart here.

But yea thanks for reading this long ass ramble, and definitely do whatever you need to keep yourself safe! 💙💙💙 happy reading if you choose to!!! :D 🐳

[creabirds]

the lovely @albonoooo tagged me to share my 10 favorite reads of 2023. oh boy, here we go.

so far i've read 61 books this year (which is below my goal grrr but whatever. when life hits you or something) so it's a tough decision. these are in no particular order:

once there were wolves - charlotte mcconaghy | a really haunting novel set in the scottish highlands revolving around a woman who is working on a project to rewild wolves to the area. the writing is brain-meltingly beautiful. please look up the content warnings tho!

middlegame - seanan mcguire | i do not know how to explain this one except it is absolutely brilliant??? about a boy and a girl with very special talents in language and maths, respectively (and they're not in love!). and like, alchemy and human experimentation. it's very weird but alas, i love weird books

girl, woman, other - bernardine evaristo | a beautifully interwoven story about the lives of twelve black British women (& other) that explores family and love in such a compelling way!!! it certainly didn't win the booker prize without reason

bunny - mona awad | if you like weird things this is the book for you. also if you enjoy unreliable narration, (toxic) female friendships and dark academia. it's a girl's right to be weird and slightly cult-ish

yellowface - r.f. kuang | i cannot make this list without mentioning r.f. kuang bc she is the loml. this book is not my favorite by her but it was certainly a banger, as always. if you're interested in topics of post-colonialism and systemic racism you should never miss out on her books

the deep - solomon rivers | magical alternate history about a mysterious mermaid population in a vaguely post-apocalyptic world. lovely portrayal of culture, (shared) memory and generational trauma

she who became the sun - shelley parker-chan | just another asian-inspired fantasy to add to my list of favorites because i just love them so much. this one was so fun and has queer and nb rep!!!

none of this is serious - catherine prasifka | i didn't really ENJOY reading this bc it kept calling me tf out the whole time. if you, like me, find yourself living in existential dread, the anxiety of a small rabbit being chased by lions, and a crippling social media addiction, this will be a fun one to get through

the raven cycle - maggie stiefvater | i've just finished my THIRD reread of this series in 5 or so odd years. yes it is that good. if you haven't read it GO NOW. it's ya but i promise it's not very ya-ish. paranormal fantasy / magical realism / legends and the most likable cast of characters you will ever see (did you say: where can i find ya books with female mcs that have a personality? the answer is HERE)

her body and other parties - carmen maria machado | i've never really read a short story collection before so this was an interesting experience. i loved some of them more than others but they're def worth a read, some even mind-boggling

sorry for rambling but if you truly expect an english major to not go on a rant about books you've been sorely mistaken

if you ever need book recs please feel free to slide into my inbox/dms i am a walking library

tagging @wanderingblindly @grubbyraccoonhands @drivestraight @maxcuntstappen and whoever wants to do it im not sure who of you reads books besides slurping down fanfic like its melted gummybears so uh.

[tarotmantic]

ages ago i remember seeing an orientation prefix that like basically meant ur orientation was influenced by neurodivergency which I definitely feel fits me. I don’t remember the term but yeah, i believe my autism informs my aromanticism (it probably also informs my asexuality and my gender identity but that’s not for this post).

I consider myself on the cusp of loveless, i feel very allied with that community and generally see my experience reflected most there. I’m very solidly on the end of the aro spectrum, I’m not even remotely grey-aro. Never experienced anything I could label as traditionally romantic lol. I often say I love my friends but that’s mostly for ease of communication. I care for them, and I care for many other things- but love? I don’t know. I don’t consider myself aplatonic though.

This is kind of where I see myself in the loveless community because I’ve read people talk about the rejection of the idea of love, and all the baggage attached to it. You can say “oh there’s other kinds of love, love isn’t just romantic” all you want but you can’t deny all the connotations it has within ~society~. Even if I could “love” my friends, because I fundamentally miss out on the experience of romantic love- an experience so entrenched in society and the popular conception of humanity- I feel disconnected from the entire notion. Love doesn’t mean anything to me.

On a minor tangent, this is definitely why I like narratives that twist love, that make love the villain. A lot of the poetry I write takes love and write it like obsession. I like playing with it, because I don’t have any sentimental value on true love, because I don’t know what it’s like to love but I know what it’s like to hurt.

I don’t have any aromantic friends, and I haven’t really talked about it to the friends I do have. I think about discussing is with them but I have no clue how to raise that lol. I kinda wanna know what they think about it, if they have any questions. Especially since they’re starting to get into relationships now.

I am out to my friends, but I’m not out in any capacity to my parents. I don’t think they’d be against it, they’d most likely be supportive but they also definitely wouldn’t get it. I don’t have the energy to explain it to them. I don’t know if they’ll ever ask, especially since I’ve never had a partner. Do they think im just hiding it from them? Who knows.

There’s a lot of things I’ll never experience, like first crushes or break ups or dating apps. Since im also asexual (also no grey, will never ever have sex in any capacity) I won’t ever experience those supposedly universal things like losing my virginity or even just like the feeling of being horny either lol. Whole swathes of the human experience that aren’t for me.

That’s where the grief creeps in, so many things I’ll never have. Ugh, I shouldn’t have to mourn things I never wanted. That’s where voidpunk comes in. I know the creator originally made it for aroallo folks, but also left it open for anyone who felt it fit. The nonhuman thing is very attractive to me with being very queer and very autistic. Especially since my identities are kind of all the absence of something.. void feels very apt.

Anyways.. this was a long post, I enjoyed rambling on though. I don’t put my thoughts about this to metaphorical paper often, but it’s always rattling around my head. If anyone else wants to chime in im all ears! As I said, I don’t really have anyone with similar experiences to talk about this with so im always willing to hear what the community is thinking.

[normal-thoughts-official]

This feels like the mortifying of being known, except I'm still mostly unknown, but desperate times (replaying ilitw) require desperate measures, ajsjsjdhjs I'm Identity Thief Anon (and Chilenon but I already told you that i think)

Anyways I NEED more thoughts on ilitw (if you can, if you already got too tired of it obviously you dont need to answer or anything)

I JUST REALIZED IN THE "INTRO" OF EACH CHAPTER MR RED MAKES THE SCREEN DARK WITH HIS "HAND" I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T CAUGHT IT BEFORE !!

Also I think there are plotholes about Ava ? But maybe not, pls tell me if you have any idea of her timeline being friends or friend-ish with the group, because she didn't know or didn't remember mr red but she was in the woods a few times? Idk maybe I got confused

And what do you think of Lucas's mom, like we barely get info on her but do you have any thoughts? (I still think the teacher was a jerk and Im glad the snake bite him ajsjs)

Also I do have the choices app hacked now (not sure if I told you or not before sorry) and I need to know

Do you get all the weapons / info / pet companies when you play?

Because when I first played I did but now I'm not sure if I want Everything-Everything because I want a bit more of pressure ? Like to feel even more concern for everyone, but also it feels like a waste not getting everything and I do want all the info so maybe not just all the weapons ? Idk, so I was wondering how did you played

And I was curiously if you ever ended up playing Perfect Match?

Okay, that's everything I think, sorry if this is like creepy or anything (?)

♡♡♡

Also Andy is still the funniest guy

[ID: Andy from ILITW smiling and saying, "Yeah, I know. I don't mind that you're Asian, either". End ID]

You had NOT told me that you're chilenon, although you did tell me that chilenon and identity thief anon were the same person. Hello! It's nice to see you. I've missed you a lot, I even thought of turning anon back on for you but unfortunately people are unbearable and turning off anon improved my mental health and general tumblr experience SO much

It's been a hot sec since I last replayed ILITW but from what I remember Ava does remember Mr Red? She even tells Stacy "you know damn well he wasn't imaginary" when she calls Mr Red their imaginary friend.

As for Lucas' mom... Now that's an interesting question. Again it's been a hot second, but I did rewatch the scene where MC finds out about Lucas' pills on youtube, which I'm pretty sure is the only scene where he talks about it in depth, and I think she has the potential to be pretty interesting

Like... The whole "she came to the US as a kid, was poor, worked 3 jobs, built herself from the ground up" story sounds pretty fucking traumatic to me, and I think it'd be interesting if that was the root of her.............. shortcomings as a mother

Lucas says that his parents "can't hide how disappointed they are" in him, but I'm not gonna take that at face value because we never see them interact except for a one-sided phone conversation. I'm not saying he's lying or making shit up or exaggerating to be clear, I just don't think Lucas is in the best place to evaluate his worth and the perception other people have of him right now. We know what anxiety is like, you assume everything means people are judging you, and you are actively turning whatever you see into proof of that

Not that she didn't push him very hard. She obviously did and it was traumatic as fuck and just, what the fuck, lady. I just think he may be misinterpreting her reasons for it. His mom had to suffer a lot to be able to survive, nevermind thrive, especially considering that she was a brown immigrant woman in the US. And I think she's kind of scared that she could lose what she built at any time, because it still feels so precarious, like if she ever took a break from all her stuff she'd be back to square 1. And I think she knows that, as a brown queer kid, Lucas will have to work twice as hard to get half the recognition, and I think that prospect scares her

Which is why I think that she pushes him so hard - because she wholeheartedly believes that he needs to if he's ever going to "make it". Unsure what "make it" means to her, but the truth is that in her experience she only had two things: horrifying poverty and back-breakingly hard work. So... I think that, in her head, if Lucas is not killing himself studying, he's gonna end up like she was at the beginning. And with him being a brown man there are other worries associated with that, like racial profiling with the police and etc (not that non-men don't have to worry about that, it's just more common among them)

In short, I think this might be coming from a genuine place of love and caring and just... Unprocessed trauma leading her to think this is the only way to make sure her son has a good life. And I think she could be a very interesting character to explore in that sense. Just... Pushing herself so hard because she feels like she's in a constant race against poverty, always looking behind her back, never truly believing that she can keep the good things she's earned

With that being said... Girl, go to therapy. She's rich as shit now so she can afford it. You're ruining a perfectly good Lucas. Look at him, he's got a pill addiction

In short, Lucas deserves better, but I like to believe that this is coming from a place of genuine love and care for him, especially because I think that's more interesting than just pushing him super hard for no reason. #Lucas'MomGoToTherapy2023

As for the weapons and info... The first time I played, yeah, because I wanted to have all the information possible, you know? Like I wanted to enjoy everything there is to enjoy about the story. But when choices matter I do always make a playthrough later where I make the same choices but without any diamond ones, just to see if I would still get a good result. I'm competitive :p and then if it doesn't matter I just get the ones I really want to or am curious to do. Like I'm not gonna go on the Connor dates cuz I don't give a fuck. But if I want to do something I see no reason not to, unless it's to test myself

I'd say just do what you want, tbh. There's no reason to feel like you "should" get everything, and it's fun to have a bit more pressure as you said. It's kind of sad that Choices keeps making diamond choices have a massive impact on the characters' wellbeing because it's frustrating both from the side where you don't use them (cuz you know... fuck you) and on the side where you DO (because I want to date Lucas but I also want to feel like I EARNED my good ending).

And I did end up playing Perfect Match! I can't believe I hadn't mentioned that to you before. I really liked it. Polyamory rights. Sloane is the best. I had fun daiuhsaiudhaiudash

And it's not creepy, I'm happy to have you <3

(And yes, Andy is perfect. But I'm biased)