#like ivan saves him when they get attacked by fjerdans

[kasagia]

Innocent

Pairing: Aleksander Morozova/General Kirigan/The Darkling x fem! heartrender! reader Summary: You're not like the other Grishas. It took you some time to master your power, but you're still unsure of your control over it. That's why it scares you when you're chosen for a special mission in Fjerda. Luckily your general cares about all his people... or at least about you... actually way too much, but you're not going to complain at all. Requested by: @dreampissybaby I hope you like it! 😊💙🖤 Warning(s): the reader is unsure of herself; the reader does not want to kill (but is ultimately forced to for Aleks); blood; mentions of murder; sharing body heat, Aleks comforts the reader; Words count: 5,7 k ~•♤♤♤•~ Aleksander Morozova's Masterlist ~•♤♤♤•~

The time has come. Your first mission.

You spent years in the Little Palace training, going to classes with other heartrenders, practicing under the supervision of Baghra and Botkin. And you had potential. You were the most powerful of all the heartrenders in the Little Palace...

There was only one 'problem' with you.

You didn't kill. Nor control your powers as you should.

You were supposed to be a healer. This is what you always wanted as soon as your Grishas powers as Corporalki manifested. But due to fate and the fact that there was a greater demand for heartenders in the Second Army than for healers, you became someone you did not want to be. You were supposed to take lives, not heal or save them, and you never really came to terms with that.

Not that anyone asked for your opinion. Certainly not Baghra, although she was one of the few who noticed that the problem with mastering your powers was in your head and not due to lack of control or powerlessness. Which didn't mean she didn't give you a hard time at every training session you had. You would rather have Botkin's training than spend your time in that's hag's hut.

That's why you laughed at Fedyor when he told you that he chose you as a replacement for Ivan (who was unexpectedly sent on another mission) as an additional heartrender for their secret mission in Fjerda.

"Very funny. Be careful, you start to adopt Ivan's sense of humor." you say, walking with him towards your rooms after sparring together. However, you start to get a little worried when he doesn't respond to your taunt. "Saints, Fedyor, it was a joke, right?"

"You have to go on your first mission someday. Besides, it will be an easy and simple task. We'll do some spying and go home. A few weeks and you'll be back in the Little Palace, and I promise I'll watch over you."

"Have you lost your mind?! I will get stressed, reveal my powers, and the Fjerdans will skin us faster than you can eat sweets from the palace kitchen." you lament, imagining all the worst-case scenarios.

"Nothing will happen. Besides, general is coming too. With him, no Fjerdans or Drüskells will attack us." you freeze at his words, realising how much worse your situation suddenly is with this one statement.

"What?!" you ask, but Fedyor has already disappeared into his and Ivan's room.

You start to get even more nervous. Since you had relatively completed the most important parts of your training, you were often at either Fedyor's or Ivan's side, 'improving' your skills and getting used to your new role in Little Palace.

This also meant often being near General Kirigan's side. Who was dangerously becoming more and more curious about you (at least that was what Fedyor was telling you in great secrecy.)

And his unexpected interest in your abilities only grew when Ivan blurted out to him that Baghra was also training you to be a healer, not only a heartrender. You don't know if this little act of mercy by the old witch was to help you overcome the internal conflict inside you since you put on the red-black kefta of a heartrender or if it was another one of the woman's ways of ruining others' lives.

Anyway, one day you walked into Kirigan's war room behind Ivan and the Black General's dark eyes, and instead of being glued to the maps and reports in front of him as usual, they were focused only on you. A shiver ran through you as you felt his piercing gaze on you. He seemed to be assessing your capabilities based on the rumours that Ivan and his men had been feeding him. You knew that he was judging how useful you could be to him. You held his gaze for a moment before looking down at the maps on the table, hiding slightly behind Ivan as he began to give him the most important information from the camp closest to the fold.

Since then, you've been seeing him more and more. Be it on your way back from Baghra's hut to the palace, in the library, or even late at night in the gardens or other parts of the Little Palace when you never expect him to appear.

He was always polite and nice. He spoke to you in such a gentle and calm tone, so different from the way he spoke to other Grishas, that it took you a moment to adjust to the soft side he was giving you. You didn't expect that the Darkling would ever be understanding of your insecure, shy nature or try to help you control your powers and come to terms with them by giving you small advice and even giving you accessories from Materialki, which allowed you to feel more confident while using your little science and controlling others hearts, bodies, and minds.

But that didn't matter anymore. Any sympathy or hope he had for you and your powers would end in the coming days when he saw that you were actually a nobody and were only wasting your power, which someone else could better use than you.

You might as well start preparing to be sent across the fold to Western Ravka and certain death at the hands of the volcras.

With trembling hands, you tied your small bag to the saddle of your horse. Fedyor, Zoya, Inferni, and Tidemaker, whose names you didn't know, were also preparing their horses to leave.

You were about to leave the Little Palace in a few minutes. The only person missing was General Kirigan.

Which made you very happy. You had trouble tying that damned bundle so it wouldn't fly off your horse's back. You weren't going to ask anyone for help and show how weak and hopeless you were in the group from the very beginning. You won't be defeated by something like this. If you were going to embarrass yourself, at least in a fight… or at least not before you set out.

But as always, you must have been unlucky.

"What are you doing here?" the general's question didn't make you the only one to freeze. The rest of your companions also stopped what they were doing and now looked at you with interest while you were trying to calm down your beating heart and respond to the Darkling. You turn to him and hold your little bundle of belongings that you failed to tie to your horse behind your back, so he can't see it.

"Fedyor thought I would be suitable for this task and appointed me as a second heartrender, sir." you reply without looking him in the eyes.

"He did?" he asks unemotionally, turning his gaze to your friend. You swallow nervously, waiting for his next words.

"Yes, General. Y/N is doing better and better. It's time to test her beyond the walls of the Little Palace, so she can use her power in a more beneficial way." Fedyor responds as your main "mentor". If you were brave enough to raise your head, you would surely give him a grateful look for the confidence with which he assured the general of your readiness.

"Well then." The general nods. You see him send a stern look at the rest of the Grishas, who are still staring. They immediately go back to their preparations.

You mentally curse as the horseboy leaves the general's horse next to yours. You try your best to ignore him as you continue to tie the damned bundle with trembling hands to your horse. And at the same time, you try to reject the uncertainty and doubts that began to grow even more intensely in you after the general's question.

"I don't see you being particularly excited about your first mission." the general's remark made you turn your head towards him. You shivered as soon as you realised his piercing gaze was directed straight at you. "Nervous?"

"A little." you admit, glad he's not a heartrender and can't hear your heart beating madly. You're about to have a heart attack here... if you don't first make a fool of yourself and cry from helplessness in front of the general. You were so pathetic...

You are brought out of your dark thoughts by the sudden presence of someone behind you. The general's warm, large hands gently take your bundle with your things from your hands and tie it to the horse's side. And if you didn't know better, you'd think he was extending the moment on purpose, just to keep you pressed against his chest, embraced by his arms, a little longer.

"You don't have to." he whispers, responding to your earlier words, and pulls away from you as if nothing had happened. He went to finish his preparations for the road himself, leaving you with the feeling of his warm breath on the back of your neck.

You get goosebumps and feel your cheeks heat up. Your hands tingle in the place where the general's hands were on them a moment ago. And your traitorous mind imagines what it would be like to feel his touch entirely somewhere else.

You shake your head and get on your horse, praying to the saints to help you survive this journey with dignity. Or at least that you'll come back alive. After all, you should keep your expectations low.

Surprisingly, you managed to survive the first week without any relative disasters. It was more than you could expect from yourself. Things may not have gone as you expected, but at least you all managed to ride safely through Ravka to the border with Fjerdans.

But every day you got closer to the border, your fear grew more and more.

You set up camp in the forest, each following your established routine. The General and Fedyor went out scouting, exploring the surrounding areas, when the rest of you were setting up a small camp and trying to hide it from human eyes as much as you could.

You were feeding and watering the horses when you suddenly heard a heartbeat next to you. You didn't even try to explain to yourself how you knew or when exactly you started to recognise General Kirigan's heartbeat. It just happened over time. And you didn't have the courage to admit to yourself that it meant something more.

The general took one apple and gave it to his black stallion, tenderly stroking its muzzle. You couldn't hide your small smile at how gentle he was with his horse (whose name was, ironically, Nightfall).

The black bastard even had his mane braided by him. Not that you watched closely as his hands braided it for the whole 6 minutes before Fedyor noticed and started teasing you about how your heart would go into failure from pumping blood so fast. You had never considered being a horse, but in that moment...

"Anything funny, Captain?" he asks, and if you hadn't learned over the course of this week the difference in the tone of his voice when he was teasing, you would probably have died of fear there.

"Nothing, General." you reply with a smirk, laughing in your head at your own ridiculousness and the stupid attraction you had for him. "How long do we have to be in Fjerda?"

"Until we get what we came here for. But I think it will take us two weeks at most. The Little Palace can't stay unattended for long."

You nod, partially satisfied with his answer. But you can't shake that unsettling feeling that something bad will definitely happen by then. Either you ruin the entire mission or you die miserably at Fjerdans' hands, revealing your powers in enemy territory.

"What's wrong?" His voice breaks you out of your thoughts better than the hand he suddenly wraps around yours. After thinking about it for a while, his touch shouldn't be that familiar to you.

"Nothing, General. I was lost in thought." you lie, trying to hide your insecurities and fear by looking down at your hands because you know he can read people like an open book.

"Don't insult my intelligence. I won't be convinced by such a flimsy excuse, and you definitely have better, more persuading answers." he takes a step towards you and gently grabs your chin, forcing you to look into his piercing, dark brown eyes. "What's the matter?"

"I..." you stutter as you get lost in his eyes, which are studying you so intently, as if the answer to his questions were written in your eyes.

And for a moment, you want to tell him.

You want to say that you are afraid of your powers and that you don't know if you will be able to control them when you are in a critical situation and help others. That you don't know if you'll ever get used to the role you've been thrust into. That you don't belong, and even his soothing presence isn't worth the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty you're going through every day. That you want to be someone completely different, but you know that you can't be a brat and throw away an opportunity that thousands of Grishas in your place would gratefully accept.

But you can't show him that you're broken...

"Y/N. Talk to me." he says  firmly.Worry and concern are obviously written on his face, and it irritates you that you are unaware of what's causing it. That you don't know why he even cares to notice, let alone ask you what's bothering you.

"It's nothing serious. You shouldn't worry about me. I'm perfectly fine, sir." you say it emotionlessly and move away from him. You turn your back at him and start to comb your horse's mane.

But he doesn't give up. He places a hand on your shoulder and holds it in a tight grip, turning you back to face him.

"Something's clearly bothering you. You're going to tell me this now and here. This is no longer a question, Captain." if possible, his eyes will become even darker. But he's not the only one who's starting to get mad. Unlike him, you can't keep your emotions bottled up inside you so well.

"Why do you even care?! I'm just a captain, another one of your heartrenders; you shouldn't care about me at all!" you shout at him, shrugging his hand off your shoulder. Ivan would have a heart attack if he saw you talk with the general.

But Kirigan also seems to forget that you should be more respectful towards him... or maybe he's relieved that you're not as afraid of him as everyone else, and this new revelation is refreshing for him.

"It's not up to you to judge what I should care about. Even a blind person could see that you've been behaving strangely for a week and that something is tormenting you. Your hands tremble more often, you are more silent and paler, you eat less, your eyes no longer shine like they used to when Fedyor teases you, dark circles start to appear under your eyes, and every night I hear you rolling over next to me on your sleeping place. So you are going to tell me now what's wrong, so I can fix it."

His long speech leaves you stunned. You didn't realise that he noticed things like that or that he watched you closely enough to find a difference in your behavior. And what bothered you most was the reason why the Black General knew you so well.

And you probably would have crumbled in pieces there in front of him and poured out all your insecurities and fears on him if the sudden crunch of branches hadn't caught your attention.

You didn't even have time to blink before you were behind the general. He holds your arm with one hand, making sure you stay behind him so he can shield you from any danger. And in the back of your mind, despite how enchanted you were by his closeness, the thought occurs that you should be the one protecting him...

Then he threw his dagger in the direction the sound came from. After a while, a painful groan echoed through the clearing.

"Fedyor?!" you ask and run out from behind the general when you recognise your friend's voice. You disappear behind the trees, finding the heartrender, who was wearing a regular cloak (you had to drop your keftas since you were getting closer to Fjerdans), leaning against a tree and holding his arm where the dagger was embedded. "What the hell?! You scared us!"

"Well, you're not the one with the dagger stuck in you. It was starting to get dark; the others sent me to get you, since we are practically on Fjerdans' territory."

You nod and help him sit on the ground. After a while, the general appears behind you. You see him blush awkwardly, realising who his dagger hit.

"My apologies, Fedyor. You shouldn't have sneaked up on us like that, though."

You take the opportunity to have your back turned to him and roll your eyes at him. While Fedyor is busy answering him, you quickly take the dagger out of him. He hisses in pain and gives you an offended look.

"What? Would you rather I count to three?" you ask sarcastically, pulling back his coat and lifting up his shirt to place your hands on his wound. Blood sticks to your fingers, staining the sleeves of your shirt.

"The last time you did that, you took the arrow out of me before you could count to two." he grumbles as you begin to heal him, the wound tingling unpleasantly as it closes up.

"I don't remember you complaining when I let you eat my chocolate cookies later. At least I wasn't the first to get hurt; you should be proud of me as my mentor." you don't miss the general's quiet chuckle behind you as you taunt with your friend.

"Come on, veteran." he pats Fedyor on his health shoulder. "Let's get back to camp before they send a whole search party after us, shall we?" he asks, his dark irises trained on you, watching as you let go of Fedyor's arm, which is fully healed now.

The general extends his hand towards you and helps you up. He doesn't shy away from grabbing your bloody hand; he holds it even tighter, making sure it doesn't slip away from his grip. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Fedyor give you a significant look. You roll your eyes at him.

"Here." the general says, and he hands you his black handkerchief to wipe the blood from you. But before you can take it from him, he catches your hands in his and wipes the red liquid from your hands himself. "Allow me." he whispers, looking into your eyes. Blushing, you realise that Fedyor is long gone from sight, leaving the two of you alone once again.

"Thank you." you clear your throat, feeling his fingers gently wipe the blood from your hands. And you feel ashamed, admitting to yourself that this simple touch makes you shiver.

"You should change that shirt when we come back."

You look at your shirt and see that it's stained with Fedyor's blood. You wrinkled your nose, knowing this was your last shirt. You will have to stay in it until you reach a village where you can buy a new one.

"I'll be fine," you say, trying to change the subject. You don't want to seem even weaker than you already are in his eyes.

The general frowns but says nothing more as you return to camp. And if he thought you didn't notice that he was still holding your hand and keeping you close to him as he walked lightly in front of you, he was sorely mistaken. You were glad that no one was around to hear your heartbeat and that his fingers avoided the place on your wrist where he could feel your racing pulse.

If anyone else notices that there is blood on your shirt, they don't comment on it. You go through your evening chores, and finally, after hours of driving and being on your feet, you lie down.

You put your small travel bag under your head and are about to go to sleep when suddenly you hear the rustle of fabric falling next to you.

You open your eyes and stare in surprise at the black shirt that is clearly an intruder. A shiver runs through you as you feel someone's burning gaze on you. You look up and see the general sitting a few steps away from you, watching you carefully.

If the delicate, skin-friendly material or colour of the clothes didn't give you a clue as to who they might belong to, then the look in those hypnotising dark eyes that didn't leave you until you took the clothes in your hands was an eloquent suggestion of the shirt's owner.

And after the intoxicating smell that engulfed you as you changed in a secluded place, you were even more overwhelmed by this unexpected gesture, knowing full well that you shouldn't recognise his scent that easily. Or wanting it to stay with you for a long time.

You walk back to camp and ignore the smirk Fedyor gives you as he stands guard by the fire. You lie down in your place and pull the blanket tighter over you, wrapped in a cocoon, with the general's scent wafting around you.

You shiver, feeling the chill of the night despite it. You roll the oversized sleeves of the Kirigan's shirt around your hands, limiting the air from reaching your skin. Out of the corner of your eye, you see the others move closer to each other, taking advantage of the warmth of each other's bodies.

You sigh, realising that it will be a few hours before you can do the same to Fedyor once he stands off his watch. Now you had to endure the cold that was starting to sting your cheeks and slowly seep into your uncovered skin.

You roll from side to side a few times, trying to find the best position to limit your heat loss, until you are stopped by strong arms that suddenly wrap around your stomach and press you against the hard and warm wall. You blush as you realise from the pounding heartbeat behind you that you're pressing against SOMEONE'S chest.

"It's a cold night." he whispers, his warm breath on the back of your neck making you shiver. "Do you mind, milaya?"

You shake your head slowly. You knew that right now you would do anything what he would ask of you. And you were both terrified and excited about that damn exhilarating closeness with him as he was sharing his warmth with you.

"Thank you, general." you whisper into the night, afraid to turn and look at his face lit only by the flames of the fire and the light of the stars, because you know that if you did, you would be lost for good.

You close your eyes, trying to protect yourself a little from your obvious feelings for him—the man you will never truly have.

"Call me Aleksander." he whispers in your ear, making you shiver. He takes this as a sign that you're cold and ends up pressing you closer to him, so that you feel every inch of his body touching you.

He could have anyone. And you knew both yourself and his habits too well to pull the wool over your eyes that you could ever be someone more to him... but that didn't mean you didn't enjoy this momentary attention he was giving you.

You relax and lean into him more as he buries his nose in your hair and falls asleep. His rhythmic heartbeat and breathing, his scent that immediately makes you feel safe and protected, and the warmth that floats around the two of you curled up against each other, lull you to sleep.

After all, it was a cold night. And General, contrary to all the rumours you've heard, turned out to be very warm... at least when he held you protectively close to his chest.

Fedyor watches the two of you with a mischievous smirk, knowing full well that he'll be teasing you with this the next day. He already knew what he would write to Genya and Ivan in his next letters.

Your informant did a good job. He perfectly determined the location of the hidden cellar in the Fjerdans' forest, where their soldiers' base was.

It took you several days to prepare. You were supposed to break in, steal the necessary plans and reports, and get out of there before anyone noticed you. Of course, everything went to hell as fast as it was possible.

At one point, you scattered, each trying to find a way out on your own, when one of the soldiers detected Inferni, who was with you and was using his powers to warm himself up.

You didn't know what happened to him in the end. Or with Aleksander, the rest of the group.

You ran forward, towards the exit you remembered, avoiding all heartbeats along the way.

You're walking down corridor after corridor, corner after corner, when suddenly someone grabs your elbow and pulls you towards him, keeping a hand over your mouth to block out any sound from you. You struggle for a moment until you hear a quiet whisper that haunts you both at night and in your dreams:

"It's me, milaya." you freeze in place at the sound of his soothing whisper in your ear. You turn around, wanting to make sure your mind isn't playing any tricks on you, and sigh in relief when you see Aleksander's concerned face in front of you.

"Where's the rest?" you ask, swallowing, trying to calm yourself down and maintain an appearance of composure in front of him. Even though your heart was now beating like crazy with fear.

"Fedyor and Zoya are outside. I'm not sure about the others." he says, taking your elbow and pushing you to the side of the hall so that you're more shielded from anyone's view. You frown, processing his words while he looks around to see if you can leave your hiding place and continue on your way to the exit.

"You came back for me?" you ask, trying to catch his gaze to read something in his impenetrable eyes.

You see the gears stop in his head, all thoughts of your escape and safety being forgotten as he stares at you, speechless.

You've never seen him like this. No words, no wise comment or answer. He just stood there and stared at you. A blush slowly took over his cheeks, and after hearing his heartbeat quicken, you had never been happier that he had technically forced you to qualify as a heartrender.

"Aleksander?" you whisper questioningly, waiting for any word from him that will either confirm your suspicions and make your wildest dreams come true or make him break your heart more than the most powerful heartrender could ever do.

You hold your breath when, after a moment of internal struggle that is going on inside him for some reason, he takes a step towards you and confidently cups your cheek with his hand.

"Y/N... I... For a very long time... I haven't met someone like you. I've never wanted to meet again. I've lost so many... But you... you make me question everything I promised myself a long time ago."

You see pain and longing in his eyes. You have no idea what he's been through or why he feels the way he does now, but you are sure of one thing. And you are ready to promise him this one thing, regardless of any consequences.

"You won't lose me." you whisper, looking into his teary eyes. He leans forward and rests his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and inhaling your scent. You shiver as your noses touch, brushing gently.

You open your eyes only to see Fjerdan behind him, pointing a gun at you two. You are both without your keftas, but you know that the Fjerdans know how the Darkling looks like and can recognise him.

You act automatically. You push Aleksander away and link your arms, stopping the man's heart in front of you before he can even put his finger on the trigger of his gun. The body falls to the ground with a thud, and a deafening, terrifying silence reigns in the corridor. The smell of blood irritates your nostrils.

You lower your hands shakily, only to realise that you've done more than stop his heart. The weight of the organ that ripped from Fjerdan's chest and flew straight into your hand weighs on you more than your growing guilt. Your heart falls out of your hands and onto the floor, and you still feel the blood staining your fingers.

You killed someone. You actually killed someone...

The cold permeates your body. You shiver uncontrollably as tears fill your eyes, and you stare at the dead body in shock until Aleksander stands in front of you. He cups your cheeks and pulls you closer to him, making you rest your head on his chest.

"Shhh... It's fine, milaya. We are safe, you saved us both." he whispers into your ear, hugging you even tighter as he presses you against his chest with one arm, and his other hand strokes your hair to calm you down.

"I… killed… I…" you can't stand it. You fall apart completely in his warm embrace, his coat perfectly soaking up both the blood you shed for him and the tears flowing from your eyes that you simply can't stop anymore.

The realisation comes to him with a delay, and you feel him freeze when he hears your words. He is wise. You know that he realises that this was your first... and that you never wanted to do this, and that this was what you feared most when going on this mission with them.

If possible, you sob and tremble even more, aware that soon his soothing embrace will disappear, that he will throw you out of his inner circle, and that you can start preparing to be sent out across the fold and to West Ravka since you have proven to be so useless to him.

But, much to your surprise, he didn't pull away. He didn't make any malicious remarks, and he didn't threaten to throw you out of the Second Army, as he often did in the worst-case scenarios your head could imagine.

Instead, he pulls you as close to him as possible and places a tender kiss on your forehead. You tremble as his hands cup your cheeks and gently brush away your tears before he presses his soft lips there.

"Shhh… I have you, lapushka." he whispers while kissing off your tears. "You did a good thing. He didn't deserve to live, moya milaya. He would have hurt us if you hadn't reacted first. And I gave you my word; this is the last time you have to do something like this." he says, pressing his lips to your tample in a promise.

He tangles his hand in your hair and presses your head against his shoulder. You bury your head between his neck and shoulder as he holds you tightly against him and strokes your back while cradling you.

You cry into him until you run out of tears. He is with you until the very end, silently comforting you with a warm hug and a gentle touch of his lips on various parts of your face.

He places one last kiss on your forehead and cups your cheek in his hand, lovingly wiping the tears from your cheek with his thumb. You instinctively lean into his touch and stand as if hypnotised, staring into his dark irises that look at you with so much affection and care like no one has ever done before.

You don't know who leans in first, you or him, or who is the one who kissed the other first. All you can feel, all you can think about, and all your world is limited to now is him and his soft lips caressing yours as gently as if you were the most fragile thing in the world. As if he was afraid that in any moment you would disappear.

At some point, his kisses became more intense. He tangles his hand in your hair and pins you to the wall, his hand making sure you don't hit your head against the stone wall as he doesn't let your lips leave his for the slightest moment.

He breaks the kiss and pulls away to look at you. You feel your cheeks turn bright red and your lips swollen from his kiss. You clear your throat and shyly look away from him as he watches you intensively.

"We… we should go… the rest are probably waiting for us…" you stutter. He lets out a soft laugh and leans in to steal another quick kiss from you.

"As you wish, milaya. This way." he says, and he grabs your hand, pulling you close to him. His shadows surround the two of you as he wraps his arm protectively around your waist and leads you outside.

When you walk with him with your hands together, you feel complete. Calm. And glancing at your general as he removes any Fjerdans from your path and surrounds the two of you in a protective shield of his shadows, you know that if you went back in time, you would do everything exactly the same.

You wouldn't change anything if it meant you would ultimately end up in the arms of the Dark General. He was worth evereything... maybe even losing your innocence too. Though something told you that he liked taking care of his little corporalki.

[play-exy-be-sexy]

i’m rewatching shadow and bone for the third time and THE SECUAL TENSION BETWEEN IVAN AND FEDYOR IS SO OBVIOUS. LIKE LITERALLY THEYVE BEEN IN TWO SCENES AND THE LITTLE GLANCES AND TALKING AMONGST THEM SELVES AJJAJQIJANA. THEYRE IN LOVE YOUR HONOR

[jomiddlemarch]

I too have been covered with thorns

After Aleksander ordered the Stag’s collar to be put around her neck, even after his explanations, the anguished look in his dark eyes, the alteration in his posture that told her he’d kneel before her, Alina declared she’d never forgive him. Never.

“Fine, make me—"

And then before he had taken two steps away from her, they heard the cries and shouts, the desperate keening of wind and flame just outside the tent. Ivan, his face streaked with blood, ran in, and told them in a few, rasping words.

Shu-Han and Fjerda had invaded.

The encampment was overrun.

They were at war.

*

“You and Fedyor must go to the Little Palace and secure it,” Aleksander said, his clipped tone one Alina had never heard before, the General under duress.

“And leave you here, moi soverenyyi?” Ivan said, clearly completely opposed to the order but unwilling to challenge his superior directly.

“There is no one else I would trust to save the younglings at the Little Palace. Botkin cannot defend it by himself and the Shu-Han will be merciless to him if he is captured,” Aleksander said.

“You don’t even know they’re in danger at the Little Palace,” Alina said. Ivan looked at her as if he’d very much like to rend her heart.

“If they have attacked us here, they will be waging war on every location the Grisha are known to congregate, to destroy us beyond regrouping or recovery, beyond any surrender,” Aleksander explained.

“The First Army would protect the Grisha at the Little Palace—”

“Perhaps,” Aleksander said. Ivan grimaced and Alina noticed there was a dark stain on the left sleeve of his kefta. Was he in pain or merely annoyed by her? “I cannot take the chance, risk all their lives, on the First Army perceiving this as an attack on Ravka and not solely the Grisha. There are First Army officers who would gladly join the Fjerdans in murdering any Grisha they found, however young.”

“Your mother, Dame Baghra,” Alina began, stopped when Aleksander laughed, a brief, harsh sound, that had something in it of respect and something more of an endlessly long despair.

“She’ll survive if that’s what she wants. I wish them joy of any attempt they make on her, they will tremble and wish for oblivion if she decides she will make them suffer,” he said. “She is the one person in all Ravka I needn’t worry about. Ivan, the ambassadors, who has them?”

“Nazyalensky. She rounded them up, put them under guard, and then called forth a storm. It rages worst where she has them,” Ivan said.

“They’re hostages?” Alina said. Aleksander opened his mouth to speak but Ivan interrupted.

“What part of a war don’t you understand, Starkov? They are high-ranking officials, they have to be kept safe from Fjerdan bloodlust and the Shu-Han ‘serenity clinics.’ The Grisha are the targets, not the aggressors. We wouldn’t even be this vulnerable if you had not run away—”

“Enough!” Aleksander exclaimed. “Go now, Vanya, get Fedyor and the fastest horses you can find—make haste for Os Alta. I will send word to you when I can.”

“Saints guide your hands, moi soverenyyi,” Ivan said, bowing. Alekander gave him a quick nod and clasped his shoulder for an instant, in what was clearly a Grisha ritual.

“I could go with Ivan, help to protect the younglings,” Alina offered, warming to the words as she spoke them. “I could blind anyone—”

“You cannot leave my side,” Aleksander said. “Not for a moment. Our best chance lies in our conjoint power and now, with the collar—”

“I see,” Alina said. She felt the weight of the Stag’s horns against her throat. This was what he’d wanted, to use her as a weapon, to wield her light as readily as his shadow.

“You can’t fall into their hands. The Fjerdans would only kill you. The Shu-Han would make you into such a devastation as cannot be imagined,” Ivan said, almost kindly. “I go now, General Kirigan. We shall not fail you.”

Ivan left and they stood there, the same tent where they’d just been arguing so fiercely, now silent, even the sounds of the raging combat dulled and distant.

“I could not fight for the rest of them if I didn’t have you with me, Alina,” Aleksander said, his eyes lowered.

“You need me to defeat our enemies, I understand,” she said.

“You don’t,” he said. “I could not think of anything, anyone, if I could not be sure you were safe. I cannot lose you, even if you despise me.”

“I never said—”

“Later. You and I, we must make sure now that there will be a later,” he said. “Now, there is only this war.”

*

Outside the tent, it was chaos.

Alina had not known how loud a battle of Grisha and otkazat’sya would be. Could be. It was not only screaming, not only the Fjerdans’ ululating battle-cry and the percussive shouts of Shu-Han soldiers, but the tumult of the air, wind raised by Squallers, Inferni casting great gouts of flame that roared through the wooden houses of the town, the shriek of metal as Corporaliki made whatever they came across into knives and bullets. Alina’s ears rang with the noise and she knew she could easily have been caught up, cast adrift, unequal to the brutal forces of the fight.

Aleksander kept her close. As much as he could, he kept her hand in his, not only to access her amplified power but to make sure she was in the least possible danger. After only a few seconds, she understood how being at his side made her the best protected Grisha in Ravka, his fury honed by centuries of experience, in perfect proportion to the threat they faced. He was keenly focused, creating order among every group of Grisha they came across, forming squadrons and strategy with a breath-taking swiftness and surety.

The losses were great that first night, but with the dawn, he had secured a perimeter, the combined army of Fjerda and Shu-Han driven off into a valley to the east; they were a poison contained but not purged.

At daybreak, Alina touched his hand, turning her palm to clasp his, and spoke.

“General Kirigan, what will we do next, moi soverenyyi?”

*

“Are you sure it can’t wait, David?” Alina asked, just above a whisper. Aleksander slept uneasily if at all and had only dozed off at his camp-desk a half-hour earlier. He looked terribly uncomfortable but she wouldn’t risk waking him to get him to lie down on the rude pallet she’d cobbled together for them when she’d naively thought he would sleep beside her.

“He told me to come as soon as I’d resolved the issue with the device,” David said. “He said every second counted and it could change the arc and duration of the war.”

“It works then? The device you created,” Alina said. David had come to Aleksander in the third week of the invasion, when incursions were increasing and they’d gotten word that Ryevost was under siege, and announced he had an invention which could amplify and disperse Grisha power at a scale heretofore unknown. He had actually said heretofore, which had made Alina smile, a little grimly, but the expression on Aleksander’s face had been one that she felt like a hand at her throat. He hoped.

“It seems to,” David said.

“Seems or does? He’ll ask you the same thing and he’s barely slept since the invasion,” Alina said. She had no name for how she felt about Aleksander, but she no longer saw him as a power-hungry monster; the collar at her neck was still heavy but she didn’t wake in the night trying to claw it off. When he looked at it, she saw how he was torn over his decision. Without it, without his access to her light, they might already have been annihilated.

“It works,” David said.

“All right,” Alina said, walking over to Aleksander and laying a hand on his shoulder. Before she could shake him awake, David interrupted.

“Have you heard anything of Genya Safin? No one I know has any information about her.”

“No,” Alina said, wishing she had another answer. “But she was engaged in espionage before the invasion began. She had her own resources.”

“It’s not much to go on,” David said.

“No, it’s not. But your device may change all that,” Alina replied, squeezing Aleksander’s broad shoulder lightly, knowing how he’d look first for her face when he felt her.

“General Kirigan, Mr. Kostyk has something for you,” she said.

*

The war went on.

All Ravka went hungry, ports blockaded or the sites of battles, but the Fjerdans and Shu-Han were so indiscriminate in their attacks that the Ravkan otkazat’sya did not turn on their Grisha brethren. The Tsar was useless, but the Zlatan and the rest of the First Army generals did what they could to coordinate stratagems with Aleksander and created a division of runners to aid in communication among the Grisha in the Little Palace, Novokribirsk, Chernost and Ivets.

Aleksander called in favors and made promises. He walked among the Grisha, his Grisha as they slept and visited whatever shelters were created for the wounded; he said the prayers for the dead. He gave orders and Alina learned that if she did not understand them, she could ask and he would answer her. She learned that if she spoke, he would listen, and that she could get him to sleep by creating the most delicate veil of light within whatever room they were in. She learned he never wept, except in his sleep.

The collar around her neck began to withdraw beneath her skin. She began to run her fingers along her clavicle and felt the coldness of snow in the pale blue moonlight, becoming aware how that was another kind of light she could command.

The war went on.

He touched her hand but that was all.

*

“Prince Nikolai has assumed command at the Grand Palace. Os Alta is clear,” the runner, a First Army private with a scruff of beard a poor imitation of Aleksander’s, said. Aleksander nodded and the man retreated, dismissed, leaving them alone again.

“The blockade is broken, the supplies from Kerch have gotten through,” Alina reminded Aleksander. “The Shu-Han have withdrawn based on Nina Zenik’s intelligence. It’s just the remnant of the Fjerdan forces left and they’re walled off in the south, they won’t survive the summer. You could declare victory—”

“Not yet, Alina,” he said. It was rare that he used her name. Among others, he referred to her as the Adjutant, a rank he’d created for her, or Miss Starkov. To hear her given name on his lips had now become something fraught, the softness of the final a uttered with the tenderness of an endearment. “It will not be enough to drive them out. We must make sure they will not make another attempt, at least not while we are rebuilding. This was too near to devastation.”

“How long will that take?” she asked. She meant, how long can you bear it, seeing how drawn his face was, the chronic tension in his shoulders, the change the war had wrought in him. She reached out to urge some of her own vitality into him. She found she was dissatisfied by the touch, her true desire to take him in her arms, to feel him rest against her.

“Perhaps months,” he said. “Less than a year if we’re fortunate.”

“You need to let me help you more,” she said, returning to an argument they’d begun to have after her name-day, when he’d left a crown of irises for her to find and wear if she willed.

“You do enough. I won’t take more from you than I already have,” he said.

“It’s not taking if I offer it to you,” she snapped, startling him. “This isn’t about the Stag’s collar, not everything is. You’re not being fair to me if you think I can’t move past that.”

“It will always be between us,” he said.

“Yes, along with plenty of other things. You were wrong and I was ignorant. What you did was worse, but it has made a difference as you said it would.”

“For the war, yes. Not for us,” he said.

“You never cared then? It was all a manipulation, a seduction?” It seemed so distant, those days spent riding together, the timbre of his voice at the fountain, the night of the Winter Fête, how he’d embraced her as if the world had fallen away.

“If you can ask that question, then I’m right. We’ve not moved beyond that last moment before the war—”

“Answer me, Aleksander,” she said, taking a step closer to him.

“I cared. Or whatever you would call it when you discover your heart’s joy,” he said. “If I was seducing anyone, it was myself, persuading myself that I could feel as I did and do what I did.”

“And you don’t feel that way any longer?” she said.

“My feelings are mine to manage. Not to fetter you with,” he said. His dark eyes had never looked so tired.

“Honesty is not a burden,” she said. “It’s what we owe each other, no matter what we are to each other.”

“What I felt for you then was only the least of what I do now,” he said and turned his face away. She reached up to lay her hand against his bearded cheek, pressed lightly but enough to make him look at her.

“You won’t ask me if I feel the same, so I’ll tell you. I do,” she said. “I want you. Will you find out how much?”

“No,” he said, taking the hand at his cheek and kissing it, her knuckles and her palm and the pulse at her wrist. “Tell me, Alina. Please.”

[lonslibrary]

things the netflix shadow and bone got right and wrong—my reaction to the show (🚨 contains spoilers, pls read at your own risk!!)

- to start on a positive note! the shadow and bone characters: i, like many others, didn’t care too much for shadow and bone with the exception of nikolai and am also half convinced a different person wrote soc judging by how little i enjoyed reading s&b compared to soc and crooked kingdom. however, i thought the show was enjoyable and got the characters spot on. alina was more likable, mal was not bland/douchey at all, and i thought ben barnes as the darkling hit every right note.

- highlights included genya and david; though they didn’t have too much screen time, genya was stunning and david was almost exactly how i imagined him when reading the books. i’ve grown attached to them, and yes, i’m pretending row chapter 20 doesn’t exist :-)

- cgi and costuming was also super impressive. loved the keftas, loved the crows’ outfits, and the stag, the fold, and all the grisha powers were really, really good.

- moving on to the crows, i will say i thought casting was some of the best i’ve ever seen throughout all ya adaptations, although i know there are some things that could have been improved, including the fact that danielle galligan, who plays nina, isn’t plus size (no hate to the actress, pls). however, all the reviews i read praised kit young and i could see very obviously why. his jesper was spot on—exactly as i had imagined in the books. i’m willing to bet kruge on the fact that he falls within everyone’s top 5 characters. loved his character in the books, and kit was perfect for him.

- amita was also a stunning inej. her knife/acrobatic skills were all there like i imagined and i thought she portrayed the character very well on screen. i was so invested in her menagerie backstory when reading so i was happy to see some of that get into the show as well.

- ok, now my thing about kaz: freddy carter’s performance was perfectly good! i had no issues with his acting, but i think the show, meaning the producers/writers, haven’t fully understood kaz. don’t get me wrong, the introductory scene with all the crows in ep 1 was fabulous. jesper shooting the coin, kaz’s cane being on screen first, inej’s silent appearance. i really enjoyed the grittiness of kaz, the way his bare hands weren’t shown once, his hair, his cane, how he sweat, etc. however, i thought they overdid it with the pekka rollins backstory, which i think could have been saved for later seasons, and i wanted non-readers to be introduced to a more brutal, calculating, brooding, and genius kaz. i know he isn’t like that all times, but i felt like he was kind of on the defensive(?) very often, raised his voice when it wasn’t needed, etc. i wanted more of his smart, scheming moments like when he double crosses the conductor. not sure how to explain it, but his character felt a bit off at times. maybe i’ve read the books too many times to the point where i’ve kinda made him in my head very specifically.

- nina and matthias: loved danielle and calahan’s performance, i know some disagree but i think the actors were also pretty spot on to how i imagined in the books. their lines most alike to the books as well so i loved hearing the quotes. i did feel that their relationship moved too quickly, though. i definitely feel like matthias would have taken up a bit more time than that to warm up and i know how it goes in the books, but on screen it felt really sped up to the point where i was like already?? i feel like with how much they put into the very little screen time they had, this could’ve been saved for flashbacks in season 2.

- the combination of the two series did worry me but it was pretty smooth! i liked where the crows went, how they kinda came together in the end, but i’m also glad that they’re separating after all. i’m so invested in seeing the soc and crooked kingdom storyline come to life exactly how it is in the books so i don’t want any more interference lol. i am worried about how the timeline is gonna work in season 2 because obviously the civil war has not ended, but i really liked how the last episode set us up for season 2. (also a random note, but the show was very dark lol i had my brightness up all the way the entire time)

- HIGHLIGHTS: milo the goat (mvp of the show), jesper tumbling the stable boy, all of jesper’s lines, really, the darkling’s office/room setting, genya and david’s one (1) singular scene together, the darkling’s kefta, the child actors portraying alina and mal, the way the stag’s bones connected alina to the darkling (super grotesque, but a good portrayal of her becoming his prisoner), the CUT omg, that one scene when jesper pretends he didn’t shoot on dime lions territory, the scene where the fjerdans attack alina in the forest, kaz avoiding the cut, kaz saving jesper from the cut, inej’s knife battle with the heartrender, kaz stepping in front of inej to face the volcra, FEDYOR AND IVAN omg, kaz’s “jes?”, queen baghra, the darkling coming out of the fold at the end with his monsters that are impossible to spell, and more i can’t remember after binging the show until 3AM.

- in conclusion, it lived up the excitement for sure, and i’m ready for season 2!! especially with the way the last episode ended. i’m very eager to see my faves, nikolai and wylan, and cannot wait to watch where the grishaverse takes us next.

do you agree or disagree with my thoughts? i want to hear everyone’s opinions!! feel free to drop comments below :))

[qqueenofhades]

Since you’re actively trying to Kill Me Dead with your fivan fic prompts, I’ve decide to embrace a ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ philosophy. Ahem. /clears throat. It’s truly a tragedy that I’ve not yet read a fic where Jesper compliments Ivan’s pretty face and Fedyor overhears. /bats eyelashes (is this working???). :)

It is two months since Fedyor and Ivan have been reunited, trying to stumble their way into understanding what on earth they're going to do now and what side they are supposed to fight for, whether these rumors of Kirigan being alive are real and what that means for them, when they arrive in a tavern close to the Fjerdan border and decide to stop for a drink. And it's there when Fedyor looks over, does a double take, and hisses, "Nina? What are you doing here?"

His fellow Heartrender, his friend, who he valiantly tried to save from the maniacal druskelle in their last meeting like this, stares back at him. "Fedyor," she says. "What are you -- ?"

"It doesn't matter," Fedyor says. "Are you alone? You should come with us. Ivan and I will keep you safe."

"I'm not..." Nina looks deeply uncomfortable. "Not... alone."

"What?" Fedyor follows her eye line to the other five people gathered at a table across the way, who seem vaguely familiar. Then he catches sight of the same maniac druskelle, the very same, and leaps to his feet. "Nina! What in the name of the Saints is -- "

"Shut up!" Nina hisses, jumping up with him and putting her hand over his mouth. "You don't know what's going on here!"

"That's the druskelle, Matthias Helvar, who -- "

"Fedyor, if you ruin things for me with him again, I swear -- "

While this is going on, a sudden, sepulchral roar echoes through the tavern, rattling off the roof. "YOU!"

Everyone whirls around, just as an utterly apoplectic Ivan leaps to his feet, throws out both hands, and the tall Zemeni man across the way chokes and staggers sideways as he suddenly can no longer breathe. Nina shrieks, then grabs Ivan's arm and pulls it down, breaking his stranglehold on the other man's heart. "Ivan! Don't -- "

"That," Ivan roars, "is the bastard who shot me three times in Ryevost and then pushed me off the skiff in the Fold! I am going to KILL HIM!"

The tavern patrons are scrambling for every available exit, desperate not to be caught in the middle of a Grisha throwdown, as Fedyor snaps upright like a hunting dog catching the scent. "He did... what?"

"Oh no," the Zemeni man says. "It's Kirigan's crazy sidekick. I knew I really shouldn't have been such a softie, but the pretty face -- "

Fedyor doesn't bother answering. His eyes turn as red as his kefta, as he slams his power at the other man so violently that it launches him bodily across the room. Someone yells, "JESPER!" and the Zemeni man -- Jesper -- barely manages to catch himself. Then he throws out a hand in reflex, and the knives on a nearby table speed back toward Fedyor, who ducks. What the -- ?

"I knew you were something!" Ivan bellows. "A Materialki, is it?"

Jesper stops short, swears, gets driven to his knees again as Fedyor redoubles his efforts to give him a serious heart attack, and the melee is only broken by Nina diving in the middle and disrupting Fedyor's line of sight. He tries to push her aside, but she pushes back, and Fedyor stumbles backward, still breathing like a grampus. "You did," he snarls at Jesper, "WHAT?"

"I wouldn't have if I knew he had an equally pretty but very fierce boyfriend. Saints." Jesper, panting, holds up his hands. "Come now. Truce? All right? Truce. In my defense, he was also trying to kill me."

"Maim," Ivan promises, face deadly. "At least."

"No maiming!" Nina screams, startling everyone. "I swear it's like nursery school all over again! Shall we start over?"

Fedyor and Ivan fold their arms and glare. Jesper and company do likewise. Nina sighs deeply.

This is going to be even harder than she thought.

[mizelophsun11]

Mizeloph's Tale Chapter 4

Pairing - In the beginning it will be General Kirigan x OC Sun Summoner then switch to Kaz Brekker x OC Sun Summoner

Summary - Anna has a lot to learn in a very short period, there is nothing like almost being killed to appreciate life. Only nature can understand the pull a Sun and Shadow Summoner have for one another.

Word - 1694

-

A sudden jerk of the coach woke Anna up, she looked around noticing that the sun had risen and that the coach had come to a stop. She looked at Ivan and Fedyor, seeing that they had  worried looks across their faces. Ivan was talking to one of the soldiers about something but Anna was still a bit groggy from just waking up.

“What is going on?” Anna asked while looking around

Fedyor looked over at Anna smiled a little “well good morning sleeping sunshine, it seems like there is a roadblock, it could be a ploy for an ambush, so be careful, I am going to go check on it with Ivan, do not leave this coach unless it is with a Grisha or Oprichniki”

Fedyor stepped out of the coach, closed the door, then followed Ivan to help in any way that he could. As they were trying to see if anyone was out there, someone yelled ‘Fjerdan!’. It had been an ambush after all, Drüskelle swarmed the Oprichniki and Grisha catching them off guard. From the coach Anna could hear yelling and the sound of weapons clashing. Anna ducked in the coach as she barely missed being hit by a bullet that flew through the window she had just been looking out of. She tried to stay close to the ground but a gas grenade was thrown under the coach, a thick gas was let out making Anna cough. As she made her way out of the coach to try and get away from the thick gas she was grabbed by a Drüskelle.

“Grisha!” the man yelled at her with his thick Fjerdan accent, he dragged her away from the fight then held her down

“No! Please let me go! I am not Grisha! Please I am just a map maker! Let me go!” she tried fighting with the man on top of her

“What you are is a witch, now die!” the man said as he went to raise his axe to kill Anna

Darkness, but to Anna it felt different, very familiar and almost comforting. General Kirigan had arrived along with his following shadows. The Drüskelle on top of Anna turned around still holding the axe above his head realizing that this is where he would die instead of Anna.

“Darkling” was the man's last Fjerdan word as he watched General Kirigan create the Cut and then thrust it at the man splitting him in half

Anna gasped as she watched the man above her be sliced in two then fall off of her, General Kirigan walked up to Anna and held his hand out to her “are you hurt?”

“No..” she took his hand and got up “I’m not hurt.. Just a little bit shaken by what just happened” that same feeling of comfort she felt in his tent earlier washed over her, it was strange to feel this way with General Kirigan, only a few moments ago Anna thought she was going to die but now those worries had been pushed down

“The others will have fled by now, they should know that I am here. Everyone else will continue on but you will ride with me to the Little Palace” General Kirigan brought Anna to his horse

They got onto his horse and started their ride to the Little Palace, there was a long journey ahead of them. Anna continued to think about what had just happened, she was attacked and almost killed. She knew that with General Kirigan she was safe, but Anna wondered about the deeper feeling she felt in his tent and just now. Riding together was their first close interaction and she felt like there was an even stronger natural pull. Anna tried thinking reasonably, if she was the Sun Summoner then she was the natural opposite of him, the Shadow Summoner. Eventually it was decided they would take a small break, the horse had been going for a while and they had put a lot of distance between them and where the attack had happened.

As Anna stretched glad to be standing for a little bit, General Kirigan held out a handkerchief, she looked at him with a confused look “for your face” he gestured to the blood on her face from the Fjerdan that had almost killed

“Thank you” she took the handkerchief and whipped her face “Never in my entire life have I felt like I was going to die, until today. Even in Ketterdam I knew how to survive.. But today was something else”

General Kirigan watched her “I am glad I got there in time, I couldn’t imagine.. Not being able to save you”

“About you saving me, you cut that man in half with a shadow. I am thankful that you saved me.. But it was also a little bit scary to see” Anna was seeing and learning so many new things today and that was some of the terrifying aspects of her new life

“Would you rather I have used a sword?” General Kirigan asked looking at her curiously

“Oh.. uh I don’t know, it was just something I was not expecting” she said looking down feeling bad for what she had said

General Kirigan stepped closer to her and lifted her chin up with his hand for her to look at him “it is alright, I understand that this is new and scary, but know that I will always be ready to protect you” he let go of her chin and Anna continued to keep eye contact with him. She looked up at him, their height difference a bit more obvious, she had only stood this close to him once and that was when he cut her arm. She wondered if General Kirigan felt the same comfort and natural pull that she felt. Anna wasn’t planning on bringing it up, but it was something that she was thinking about, maybe a bit too much.

Anna knew that there was still more to being Grisha than what she knew, her conversation earlier with Fedyor was helpful in understanding “I do want to learn more though, after all this is starting to becoming my life”

“Well, we can start small, think of how there is matter to everything, in air and shadow, but it is too small to see, does that make sense?” he asked her wanting to make sure that she understood what he was explaining

“Yeah that makes sense” Anna appreciated him taking the time to make sure everything made sense to her

“For example, The Cut is something a Summoner can do, but it requires tremendous skill and I try to use it in a last resort situation”

“Last resort like that ambush.. ” Anna wondered how often this happened, an ambush on Grisha “how did they even know about me? It has barley been a day since everything happened”

“Well your little light show from the Fold was visible from miles away, they must have been on some other mission and abandoned that to come and find you” General Kirigan knew that there was a chance of this happening “this is why I wanted you to leave Kirbisk right away, and since you were attacked like I feared, it is better that you travel with me until we arrive to the Little Palace”

“They are really that scared of you?” Anna knew that General Kirigan could be scary, but for skilled enemies to not want to attempt anything while he was around really spoke volumes to her

“I think that they are more scared of you” He reasoned, this was not what Anna was expecting him to say, she was no threat. She had no training with her powers, the only reason she was able to do something in the Fold was by pure unknown instinct.

“Why? I have no control over whatever I am and you can cut people in half from many paces away. What damage could I do?” Anna wanted to understand since this would impact her life

“Miss Mizeloph, your power means a lot to the people of Ravka, you could be the first of your kind, we have always had a name for you. You have the potential to do so much, the people hope for what you can do, when you eventually enter the Fold and destroy it from within. With the proper training and some amplifiers..” General Kirigan went to keep talking but Anna stopped him

“Wait..” this was becoming very overwhelming for Anna. “I haven’t even been Grisha for a day and I feel like my destiny is already being set up for me without my control.. I mean, I am trying to take this in strides and accept who I am becoming, but there is so much more. I was just dragged away from my friends, I never asked for any of this... I mean I was always a freak, an outsider, but this is just just so much…” Anna played with a strand of her white hair that was kept out of the pony tail, it had always been a symbol of her being different, something she could never change

“Miss Mizeloph you are no freak, you are Grisha, no matter what, there will be other Grisha with you along with myself to help you every step of the way. This might seem like a lot, but you will have so many others to help you along the way to taking down the Fold” General Kirigan held her hand in a sense of comfort wanted to make sure that Anna knew she was not alone, they where two sides of the same coin, they would always have each other.

They got onto the horse and rode to the Little Palace, this would be the day when Anna Mizelophs life changed forever. She would not be the map maker she had continued to convince herself that she was. A Sun Summoner, maybe she still had one more step to prove that is who she was, but starting this day as she passed through the walls of the Little Palace she would become something new.

-

Author Note - I am so sorry that this chapter took so long to get out. I wanted to be happy with this chapter before it was put up, it took a few hours of editing and getting through the holiday to finally be happy with it. I also wanted to thank everyone who is reading my story. If anyone wants to talk about it please feel free to pm me!

Tag List - @rika90 @itsemy01 @hotleaf-juice @teatimeforusreaders @benbarnes-supremacy @graciefullygracie @aleksanderwh0r3

[sirenprincess15]

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 4

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

In this chapter: Aleksander deals with the aftermath of the attack on Marie.

Chapter 4

Aleksander was struggling to keep the darkness in check long enough to interrogate the suspect. His anger at the attempt on Alina’s life demanded that he unleash it, but he had to maintain his calmness long enough for him to get information from this man who fit Nina’s description of the Conductor. It was worth holding off his revenge long enough to try to get information on who else was involved in this assasination attempt and if this man knew anything on what had happened to Nina.

When it became apparent that he might actually not know what had happened to Nina, then there was no further reason to stop the shadows. A simple hand on Ivan’s shoulder and his heartrender understood the warning to get out of harm’s way. He appreciated that level of understanding.

He laid his accusations out before the man. He didn’t need Ivan to confirm anything. He already knew from the rumors of what was happening in West Ravka and the clear motive. The Conductor had been sent by General Zlatan to kill Alina for what she was. He had not expected to be told the Conductor had agreed over money. Rage overcame him. A million kruge for the life of a saint. As if she were nothing. As if she weren’t everything.

He wanted to stay and watch the man suffer as he had planned, to truly enjoy his pain, but he was anxious to get back to Alina to ensure her safety now that he knew there was a price on her head. Feydor was trustworthy, but Aleksander wouldn’t feel she was truly safe until he was by her side again. He moved his hands to call the shadows and then collapsed his fingers to cause the strangling. The shadows would obey his command even if he moved on.

“Search the palace and the grounds for any sign of his companions. They will be long gone, but we search anyway,” he informed Ivan and Zoya as he entered the hall. “Detain anyone who is spotted somewhere they don’t belong. I don’t care the reason. Ivan, keep one of your personal guards with Alina at all times that she is not directly with me. I don’t want her alone under any circumstances. Only people you personally trust,” he insisted.

“Sir.” Ivan nodded his acknowledgement.

He paused, thinking of Alina. “Alina can’t know about Marie. They were becoming close friends.” He stopped as he thought about the loss. A strong Grisha gone for hate of what they were. Alina had been bonding with her. Marie had brought Alina happiness. “It would destroy her to know a friend died for her. I will not put her through that pain.” It was a pain he knew all too well. How many Grisha had he lost? Good people who cared enough to die for him. The closer he was to them, the more it hurt.

He shook the dark thoughts off. “She was close to Nadia. Find out what Marie dreamed of. Tell everyone she was attacked and fought bravely. As a reward for her heroism, she is being given a trip to the destination of her dreams. We will bury her privately at night. I still want it done properly. She died for Alina.”

“Of course, sir,” Ivan agreed.

He resumed his stride to return to Alina.

“There is one other matter.”

“Oh?”

“The tracker.”

“Oh, yes, the tracker.” How had he forgotten? He was off his game. Was he distracted by the beautiful woman in his bed? Or perhaps the dark memories that the killing and hunting of Grisha were causing him? Getting the Stag was absolutely paramount, now more than ever. Without it, Alina was too fragile. “Well, I suppose my plan of having Marie disguised as Alina meet with him to get us the location of the Stag is no longer an option.”

“I can do it, sir,” Zoya volunteered. “I’ll pretend to be her to get you the Stag.”

She would like that, wouldn’t she? To be the one to get him what he wanted. She didn’t realize she would always be nothing compared with Alina, but there was no harm in using her motivation. He stared at her as he thought it through. “You haven’t been around Alina enough to pull off her mannerisms or speech pattern.”

She shrugged. “We will keep it short, say I am meeting with ambassadors and have Ivan come sweep me urgently away as soon as I have the information.”

He nodded his agreement. “Very well, but after Genya feels up to it. We can stall him with the promise to see the Sun Summoner soon until Genya is up for the task. After we have the information, have him stationed nearby. We should be able to find the Stag with his information, but he could prove useful in case it’s elusive.”

They parted ways as he reached his ready room and returned to his bedchamber. “Fedyor, how is she?”

“She sleeps well, sir. She is dreaming.”

“Thank you, Fedyor. Go get some rest. I will likely need you to stay with her tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to wake her?”

He shook his head. “Let her do it naturally.”

Alone, he stared at her. He wanted to rush back to her side to feel her warmth, but he found he could not move. She had nearly died tonight. He had almost lost her. If that had happened … He could not think of it, but he also could not stop thinking of it. If he hadn’t asked Marie to be a double, what hope would any of them have now? So close to losing everything. They had to find the Stag. And he would be hard pressed to let her out of his sight for any reason anytime soon. At least he knew he could trust Ivan and Fedyor to protect her, but after nearly losing her … He wasn’t sure he would feel safe until she had antlers around her neck.

She stirred. How long had he been staring?

“You never sleep. Why do you never sleep?” she asked as she stretched on his bed, still covered only in that beautiful black kefta.

“I sleep,” he corrected her.

“I have been in your chambers at all hours of the night over the last few weeks. You never sleep.”

“Ah, I don’t sleep well,” he emphasized. “That is quite a difference.”

She laughed, and his heart relaxed just a little. “So, what is stopping you from sleeping well now?” she asked.

He sighed. He did not want to have this conversation with her, did not want to bring this darkness into her light, but she would notice Marie’s absence. There was no way to fully keep it from her. He moved to the bed to join her, noticed again how she looked exposed in the black kefta, and then quickly grabbed his robe to wrap her in. He could not have this conversation with her body and vulnerability distracting him. He pulled her into his lap, pressed his forehead to hers, and let himself absorb a bit of her warmth before he spoke. “There was an attempt … Our enemies were ready to kill you for what you can do before we even gave the demonstration.”

Alina gasped. “Marie?”

“Good thing she’s an inferni. I’m letting her have the trip of her dreams to thank her for protecting you. It’s not enough, but it’s the best I can think to give her.”

She leaned her head against his shoulder. “I could be dead right now. That’s twice you’ve saved my life.”

“Alina, we need to increase your security. Our enemies will not stop with this attempt. I’m going to have Fedyor or Ivan or a very few select guards stay with you at all times.”

“But …”

“You are too special to lose, too important. We need you. I need you.”

She looked into his eyes and nodded. “Okay.”

“There is one other thing. What would you think of permanently staying here in my rooms?” He held his breath, afraid she wouldn’t want to constantly be with him. He wouldn’t force this one. It would just logistically be so much safer. “You end up visiting my rooms most nights anyway. I can keep you safe. If you’re with me, then I can let the guards rest at night and keep the number of people I trust to protect you during the day limited.”

“You’re asking me to move in with you?”

"Only if you want to, of course,” he emphasized. If she still wanted her privacy, he would understand.

"For security. Not because you want to? I mean if I'm going to be disturbing you …"

"I would like it very much," he admitted, a small smile playing across his face at the idea of her in his bed every night, at knowing she would be safe with him. “You could never be a bother to me, Alina.” It was the damage from her past that made her think that she would be in the way, unwanted. He vowed right then and there to dedicate himself to banishing those feelings inside her. “You belong here beside me.”

“Then, yes," she said, nodding her head.

"Yes?"

"Yes," she said with a smile. He leaned in to kiss her, softly, gently. They would be okay. She would be safe in his bed every night. Ivan and Fedyor could protect her in the day until they found the Stag, until he could be assured of her safety forever.

[amiramorozova]

Dual Summoner x The Darkling pt. 36

Pairing: Dual Summoner x The Darkling/Aleksander Morozova/General Kirigan

Word count: 1926

Glossary: Sol Koroleva - Sun Queen, Moye Serdtse - My heart

When morning came I was still very comfortable laying here in Aleksander's bed where it was just us. We laid there like that for just a bit longer but then we heard the sound of the door opening. I opened my eyes not moving as I felt Aleksander adjust on his side looking towards the door seeing Zoya there with two plates. The smile that was on her face was soon replaced with a frown as if she'd been set up to see us like this in his bed. Then I remembered that Aleksander had talked with Ivan last night before we'd left.

Did he intentionally set her up to see this?  I thought 

I sat up as I watched her, Aleksander walked, overseeing her shock as he took the plates before she could drop them. Zoya looked like she was going to attack me or something and I couldn't figure out at first why. My hand moved on the black silk sheets and then it dawned on me that he might have kept most women out of his bed. I stood up as I looked at her while I fixed my hair from where I was asleep. 

"You can go Zoya." Aleksander said in a dismissive tone, that caught her attention as she looked at him his back to her as she looked hurt. Most girls knew he was never committed to them but that was different with me. I looked at her wrists out of curiosity seeing both were blank that she hadn't found her soulmate yet. Aleksander might have been hope for those he'd convinced with time to give in to him. "So this is really how it is?" Zoya asked 

Aleksander sighed as he walked over to me and he took my right hand before showing my wrist. I knew she would never understand that his initials were AM but she looked at it. "Those are not your initials." Zoya said, he was without his shirt and he showed his wrist by mine revealing AS. "I don't need to remind you that there are things I don't share with everyone." Aleksander said to her

The hurt among her eyes was pretty clear and I knew that there was just so much I could do. I wanted to just disappear for a few moments but she didn't seem to be wanting to give up. "So when is the wedding?" Zoya asked, "we haven't decided." I said as I wasn't going to rush soon, "Possibly in a few weeks." Aleksander said 

I looked at him knowing that I just said we hadn't decided but then he seemed to be set to send a message to Zoya. "Well the youngest tsarevich is going to be returning." Zoya said as she left. I remember Genya talking about the royals. Prince Vasily was here and the other one that I didn't know his name she referred to as the sobachka which I thought was pretty rude. Looking up at Aleksander he didn't seem bothered by this but he wasn't calm either that I could tell. I got close putting a hand on his cheek which made him look at me as I leaned up kissing him as I felt him kiss me back along with calming down.

"It will all work out." I assured him, he leaned his forehead against mine for a moment. "Moye Serdtse, you seem so confident of this and you haven't even met the sobachka." Aleksander said and I didn't see why everyone referred to this Prince as a puppy. Walking over to the table we sat there just as Ivan came in, setting down drinks and I felt like royalty, not a Grisha engaged to the General but this was normal for him. 

"Ivan, have the fabrikators make something presentable for Amira to meet the sobachka when he arrives." Aleksander said to Ivan, "Of course General." Ivan said as he left.

I ate without saying much after all what was there to say when everything was being decided for me except the wedding details. I hadn't noticed if they had the dress done yet or not. Maybe that was what held me back was my uncertainty of what it would be like. Maybe I wanted to make sure Aleksander was truly what I wanted even though we were connected through the stag's bones. Even when I thought about the stag I couldn't shake that feeling of failing to save it but it was with me. 

"Amira, you control the amplifier a little more than I thought you would. How is that possible?" Aleksander asked, "I am the one who killed it so I should have most of the control." I ate a bit while thinking before I smiled with a slight tilt of my head "I could have killed it, but I chose to spare it. I'm not a killer, I have never killed anything innocent in my life but it chose me. I already had part of its power before you had the necklace." I said as I saw his surprise but I just continued eating my breakfast.

"You have a good heart, something I am trying hard not to corrupt." Aleksander said as he ate from his plate, "You can ease your way into places the royals would never let me go being the Dual Summoner. Also since people call you Sol Koroleva, it allows more places where you are welcomed. " I finished my breakfast but I could pick up He was threatened by that, that there were other options. "Are you threatened that the youngest Prince is heading to Os Alta and knowing what we know people look at me as the solution." I asked

Aleksander didn't say anything right away as he finished his breakfast and his drink. "I won't allow the tsarevich or the sobachka to interfere with us." Aleksander said, I finished my breakfast but I knew that Zoya wasn't going to give up yet. '' Once I was done I walked over and kissed his cheek "I need to go but I will see you soon." I assured him

Going back to my room, I sat there looking at myself in the chair knowing Genya would show up. As if on queue she walked in and started to do her work as I was glad to get back here. Genya seemed to notice I was in a rather good mood and she smiled.

"You look good, what has put you in such a good mood?" Genya asked, I shrugged a bit "I guess it's seeing Zoya's expression when she found out General Kirigan is my soulmate. It was rather amusing but I saw a hint of disbelief that it isn't my initials but someone else's around here." I said to Genya. Genya watched my expression as she had me close my eyes for her to do what she needed with her kit.

"You seem to be enjoying this time with the General, but then you seem very close like there are things only the two of you can talk about." Genya said, "You're no longer a soldier in the army but more than what we could expect. A symbol of the future." 

I questioned those words a bit knowing there was a lot to still do. Then there was a knock on my door when Genya went to open it. There were three boxes brought in as they left. Walking over we opened them, seeing everything inside them, noticing that one was my wedding dress. I blushed a bit. The other is my new kefta for my promotion status once General Kirigan's wife and a new outfit to wear today.

"Well one way or the other they wanted a new Kefta on me." I said

We got me dressed for the way things were going today and I just went about my day as I would. When I walked out to be with the others Botkin looked at me seeing I was dressed in a little better clothes. "Dual summoner, you have the time to grace us with your presence. I heard you were in a fight with Fjerdans and lived. Good for you." Botkin said, I nod as I knew there were so many people I didn't know. 

I almost felt normal for once but then I saw Adrian was struggling and without a Kefta since he wasn't even part of this. "Why is he out here?" I asked, "they saw him using Grisha power, so they brought him out to train." Botkin said as I knew I could say otherwise. "No." I said as I looked over "Adrian over here." I said 

Adrian's fight was stopped as he came over as I put my arm around my cousin "Botkin, he went up against a Fjerdan with me. I don't need him to work so hard when I am going to work to get Grisha back where it needs to be." I said, "Everyone needs to know how to fight, what is he to you?" Botkin asked as I knew Adrian came with me. "My cousin." I said 

Botkin backed up as it was known that Aleksander proposed to me, all of the summoners knew so they were able to tell. I walked away with Adrian knowing that this was not going to be the end. More was coming and I just needed to get us through but I still wanted to wait. My authority would always be questioned until I was Aleksander’s wife.

"Did you need to do that?" Adrian asked, I smiled "yeah, we're going to Baghra, she can help you out a bit more than they can.  I'll work with you on Physical fighting and when you're ready we'll get you your own Grisha Steel weapon." I said leading him down the path

When we reached Baghra's home I was going to walk in with him as we stopped listening to her talking. "She knows how to use the stag, she really is the future." Aleksander said as he was pacing. "You must remember she can change her mind about this whole arrangement if she wants to." Baghra said but it was only him pacing. "I am well aware of everything, mother, but she wants you at the wedding. Look at it like a mercy that I don't do something more." Aleksander said

Baghra was calm from what I could tell "She's more powerful than you if she chose to be. She doesn't want all this and you can't push her into it. If she walks down that aisle I will watch knowing that I prepared her for all your manipulation tactics." Baghra said, I couldn't see but I could just tell from the voice. "Yes, she is perfect because she keeps me from going too far. I wanted to send the fold into West Ravka and she stopped me." Aleksander said as I smiled, even I heard Baghra chuckle "Good for her, maybe she is your redemption." Baghra said 

I opened the door, making our presence aware, surprising him as we walked in "Amira, I had no idea you were coming here." Aleksander said, "Yes, I thought Baghra could train my cousin. Don't you think Aleksander?" I asked with a smile. He didn't say anything, just composed himself and he nodded. "Of course, I couldn't ask for a better teacher." Aleksander said as he started to leave but not before kissing him. "See you later." he said before leaving

he used my words right back at me. I thought

Taglist: @lifeisingrey, @anonymous-storyteller

[orangegreet]

No Minor Miracles | Chapter 5

War-Front Redux

A little reunion, a little madness, a little passion on the heels of a brush with death.

Aleksander saw the Inevitable now. He understood it. At least, partially.

When he grasped the tether that evening after hours spent collecting himself and setting his own expectations, it was with deliberate calm and confidence.

He pulled.

She didn’t answer.

He waited an hour but she still had not responded.

He poured himself a drink.

Standing at the window of his study, shoulders straight and head tall, he pulled again.

Minutes passed. Then several more.

No response. No twinge, even.

He swallowed the rest of his glass and set it down.

Cracking his neck to ease the tension, he straightened the buckles of his undercoat and then gave a real tug.

Nothing.

Nostrils flaring, his tossed the empty tumbler. It shattered in the fireplace.

Something flared inside him and looked around.

“…Alina…” his voice loses it’s commanding edge thanks to a wayward hopeful-uplift at the end of her name. He rolled his eyes at himself, his fingers rubbing against the skin of his forehead.

The raw and reopened hollow in his chest pulsed and he searched it for what he knew was also there. That imprint of her. Perhaps she would not come but her feelings were not as easy to hide away from him.

Could he sort out her emotions from his? He had never properly tried.

Seating himself back in the armchair he prepared to search the depths of his soul for the loose scraps of her.

He found an anger there. It was…odd to acknowledge. Anger he knew intimately, but the flavor of this was different. He could not place it.

It must be hers, nevertheless.

She was not coming.

He repeated this fact to himself over and over, forcing himself to come to terms with it.

The disappointment he felt was tempered only by his determination to meet her in a collected manner.

He resolved to give her space.

He tried again the next week. A hardy pull to the line as he leaned against his fireplace.

She did not answer.

Even if he tried he could not have stopped the whip of fury he hurled deep into their connection.

He burned for her to feel his displeasure. How dare she hide herself from him now?

She was hoping to drive him back into insanity, no doubt.

Aleksander forced a deep breath.

He would not succumb. She wanted to play him for a fool.

The continued silence he endured from her still had an added taste of her rage returned.

This was puzzling. Not having seen her for years—what could he possibly have done to earn this disdain?

Redirecting his efforts into war was reflexive. Months were spent wiled away on the war front.

The General was gifted in the field. The ability to think on his feet, to act with precision and merciless retaliation was honed by years of ugly lessons hard-learned.

His best ideas were born from the chaos of the destruction of battle.

It made sense that one such flash of brilliance would be sprung from this environment; his mind constantly worked in the background to resolve this issue with his petulant Sun Summoner.

How would he get the attention of a woman whose whereabouts were utterly unknown to him? One who refused to answer his commands and who responded to his displeasure with her own stubborn anger?

Pleasure. Raw and unrefined desire. Pressed into her very being by him. He would weave a Siren’s song into their connection and lure her to his side.

Honestly he was remiss for missing the obvious sooner. He had direct access to her emotions—enough that he could channel his own into her and light her up like a little lamp if he wanted.

She could ignore his summons as she pleased. Ignore his wrath.

She would not be able to ignore his lust.

It was a risk. Revealing the depth of his lust and his desire was admitting to an obscene vulnerability.

However, he had exhausted his options. He could not very well send her the debilitating ardor and affection he felt for her. She would hold that over his head for eternity.

He would not be dominated in that way.

A twitch of a manipulation to her emotions was not a bad concession. She desired him as well, anyway. Whatever ambivalence she wished to convince him of at this moment, he had experienced her craving for him in return. Had she not once gripped his hair to the point of pain while he drank from her trembling little cunt? He remembered with a surging heat through his body exactly what her lust-filled moan tasted like on his tongue.

This was simply a matter of reminding her.

In the safety of his tent and long after his men retired, Aleksander reclined on his bed.

Alina would not deny this, could not block it nor see it coming. She expected his rage, his resentment and wrath. She would not be equipped to guard against his lust.

He drew on the memories he had of her. Of her lips, of her fervor, her legs clamped around his waist, her thighs against his cheeks, the silk of her wrists enclosed in his hands when he pinned her to the forest floor and placed a tongue to her throat.

All those recollections folded into the same space which stored his future designs. The ones predicated on joining his body into hers and staying in her as long as he pleased. Stripping her down and filling her up again with himself, his body, his power.

Internally, he was accumulating his own ball of light as he knitted memory and fantasy into a single globe that cast tendrils of heat into his limbs.

The swell in his pants begged for attention but he ignored it for the moment, holding his concentration.

When he thought the thing potent enough, he released it, forcing it along his end of the tether and into their shared connection.

He did not need to wait long. When it hit her, he knew. The tidal wave of desire returned to him and on the heels of it, more fury than he had ever felt from her before.

Aleksander tugged. An incessant, needy pull at their connection.

She did not respond.

Under his direction, the Second Army took out camps across the enemy line, the Fjerdan permafrost was painted with wolf blood to draw out their masters and then drüskelle and Fjerdan soldiers alike were slaughtered with the ease of a plow anointing a field.

The dark mood harbored by the General made him vicious and on more than one occasion he left the confines of his tent to enter the battlefield where he personally ripped flesh from bone with disquieting pleasure.

Ivan and Fedyor monitored their General. Hesitant to challenge or even acknowledge the new state of his disposition.

Eventually the lack of intervention caught up with them.

The General, newly emerged from the blackened night with blood and victory splattered across his face, grunted in surprise as a Fjerdan wolf leapt from the shadow and latched to his shoulder. It was Ivan who stood in a panic-induced shock, frozen in place as he watched the attack.

Ivan, who lifted his hands to stop the beast, determined to crush the heart inside it’s savage chest.

Ivan, who in an inexcusable moment of complete ineptitude, forgot that his powers did not work on animals.

A sickening crunch came from the spine of his General before Fedyor stepped into the brawl to sink a blade into neck of the wolf.

Healers were called. The General lay quite motionless with a thready heartbeat. The wolf had snapped his spine and when the Healer knitted the bones back together, his eyes shot open.

Ivan watched as his superior stared into the empty snow beside him. He was muttering though Ivan could not make out the words.

After a few moments, his eyes closed again.

When the General woke, it was to a flurry of people around him.

Healers made their assessments, declared him mostly recovered and assigned him to bed rest. He fell in and out of sleep.

Ivan and Fedyor took turns keeping vigil.

Alina was there sometimes, sitting by his feet. His eyes closed.

When he opened his eyes next she stood at the end of his bed. He blinked a greeting at her. Something inside him warmed in her presence.

Though he could not keep himself awake. Again his eyes closed and he only hoped she would be there when he woke again.

A couple days passed before he had the stamina to keep his head held up and his eyes open. He found her seated on his bed, her hand inches from his.

At the sight of her, a smile twisted his face against his will.

He dismissed his lingering guests. Soldiers filed out, unsure if they should follow his orders given the state of him.

Everyone was gone save his sunbeam and the warmth was back. His eyes caught on her lips and he thought if he did not speak he might try to pin her down before she could disappear. He would capture her like a lightning bug in a jar and keep her as a trophy on his nightstand.

“My little Saint has come to call at last. Or…is this still a fever dream?”

He began to edge into a seated position and groaned. She glared at him.

“Are you in pain?” She asked.

He shrugged cautiously and adjusted his pillows for support. “Mostly healed now, I imagine. The rest will pass.”

When his eyes met hers, he found a fire in them. He could not hold her gaze; his brow furrowed.

He fiddled with his bed clothes, eventually pushing them off himself and stacking one leg over the other in repose, hands clasped in his lap to contribute to the picture of ease he was arranging.

“To what do I owe the visit, Alina?” He asked, business-like.

She scoffed. “You do not—I felt it, you fool. You. On the cusp of death. I figured I should come check you kept your pulse.” She spoke with derision in her voice. As if it was appropriate to arrive furious next to someone’s sick bed.

He sneered and looked away.

“Thoughtful of you to pay the courtesy then. However, I am very much alive as you can tell. If that is all, you can run along now—“

She cut him off, “In case you are too dense to pick up on this, I find your latest attempt to get my attention entirely deranged. I am disgusted by it.”

His composure dissolved into disbelief.

“My latest attempt?” He raised his voice at her, “You think I would cut my line at the edge of death just to lure you to my side?”

Her smoldering glare was unmoved. Plainly, she did.

“Am I so desperate for your company that I would gamble my life on a battle field in hopes that I could—what? Endure another five minute row with you across this—“ he gestured between them, “measly connection only to be abandoned by you for a few more years?”

Someone stirred at the tent flap at the sound of his raised voice.

He cast a wall of shadows around them, dense enough to muffle his sounds.

“Forgive me for thinking you would stoop to such depravity.” Alina stared at him, her tone dry, “Your prior attempts at getting my attention were quite dignified, after all.”

Then as if she could not stop the words from flying out of her mouth, “Constant attempts to pull me over, to force me to bend to your commands. And then when I did not answer—it was pathetic to think I would fall prey to some burst of carnal lust for you. As if what you have to offer me is so special.” The fire in her eyes flashed, “Your cock and your mouth are entirely replaceable, I assure you.”

He seethed through the sting of it. “Let us leave my cock out of it considering you have not yet sampled it yourself. And let it be known I tried appealing to your good sense and you would not comply. Was it so wrong to try and tempt your baser instincts?”

“I will not be called on like a dog. Beckoned to your side when you’re bored and looking for someone to torture.” Alina hissed.

He his anger tinged with confusion.

“I was not aware you found me so wholly undesirable. Forgive me thinking it, I must have been misled by all your physical advances in the past.”

She clenched her jaw and looked away. He thought he saw tears and felt even more bewildered.

Alina brushed her hands down her dress and began to get to her feet.

“Now I’ve satisfied myself of your survival, I’m leaving.”

“No.” Aleksander’s hand reached for her shoulder before she could stand. “Stay a little longer. Alina—”

She tried to yank out of his reach, her collar rolling away to expose her skin in the process.

His eyes caught on a cluster of yellowing bruises around her neck. Unmistakable in origin.

She stared at him with a flash of worry, pulling her collar back in place.

His breath seemed to have left him for a moment while his heart ramped up into a jarring pound.

He pushed a short breath through his nose, a rueful smile hung on his face. “Squirreled away a lover, have you? Adorable.” His tone was dangerous.

“You do not own my pleasure, Aleksander—”

“Enough of this. Whoever it is. Him. Her. I don’t care. End it.”

She doubled down, tipping her jaw up at him. “You do not own me, Aleksander.” She repeated.

“You gave yourself to me—“ He shouted, “You were made for me. I endured centuries waiting for you—“ They were both on their feet and his words were snarled as he shook her by her arms.

“I was made to be your balance,” she shouted back. “Not to be your pet. And centuries have done wonders for your maturity—behaving like a petulant child who sets aside his toy and then acts surprised that he’s lost it.”

Alina’s voice trembled with her anger and tears collected in her eyes again. “As if you remained some celibate monk in honor of me these last few years.”

He said nothing.

She shoved his chest, “Well? Have you?” She was screaming at him, eyes blazing and he was sure if they were together right now her light would burn him.

She pushed him again and he gripped her wrists. His chest throbbed and he squeezed his eyes shut against it.

Something clicked into place.

The pounding in his chest when he was with Inna for the last time. The pounding that was foreign to him after years of disuse.

Alina tried to jerk her wrists back but his grip tightened and he kept them, palms still pressed to his chest.

“Answer me—” she demanded, pushing him again where she had leverage.

Aleksander fell back a step. “You were there.” The change in volume made the words practically a whisper to her ears.

“Yes.” Alina growled at him, savage as the wolf who broke his bones, “Thank you, by the way, for inviting me to watch as you fucked some otkazat’sya woman as if your fucking life depended on it.”

Her breath was hot on his jaw even as he backed his head away from her challenge. “Was it good for you? Saints, you were desperate for it, I could tell.

“Then you insult me by trying to bring me back to you the next night after? You are pathetic. Petty.” She spat in his face.

He didn’t respond. He didn’t let her go. She struggled.

She could leave at any moment if she wanted. He tried to cling to the fact that she still had not left.

“Alina.” He held her palms to his chest with one hand and pulled her body into his with the other arm wrapped around her waist.

“No—“

“I swear I did not know. I did not mean to—”

She turned her head away and screamed again, “I don’t care I don’t care! I will burn you from the inside out when I see you again, Darkling. I will fill your eyes with the light of a noon-day sun and I will not stop until it comes bursting out of your mouth and scorches your tongue,” She promised. Her hands tried to conjure but he would not let go of her wrists and it would not work over their connection.

They both knew it would not work. She tried anyway.

“You will wish that wolf had snapped your neck and your back a thousand times over while I set your live body on fire with my power. You will burn up like a dry leaf and I will be the one who feels all the pleasure. Just me. Only me.”

Tears were streaking down her face and their eyes were locked and he did not let her pull away.

“I did not know, Alina—I would never have—” His voice was cooling to her temper and he kept a steady gaze on her, willing her to gentle.

The passion she contained never failed to surprise him. That she spoke with ease about eviscerating him should have unsettled him. Instead he found himself drawn deeper into her. The Light within her could strike him anywhere she pleased and he would reform again at her back. He would surround her greedily, his Shadow unable to do anything except press itself to Light. It could not detach. Shadow did not exist except at her mercy. He could accept this now.

“Do not lie to me, Aleksander. I saw with my own eyes. I saw how you touched her. I cannot stop seeing—”

“Wait. Please, wait.” His hand held tight to her wrists, keeping her in place as he crossed spotted his discarded kefta, still crusted with his blood. With a furtive glance at her, he reached for it and sorted through the pockets.

When he stood in front of her again, he held up the blue and gold scarf for her inspection.

“That is mine.”

He nodded.

She touched it and then dropped her hand.

“This means nothing to me. This is a distraction.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. “For a little while these last years, I did a thorough job of shutting you out. Letting you go again. It was not easy but it made not being with you more manageable. The day I called out to you—though, I swear I did not know that I did, this was returned to my room.”

Alina flicked her eyes to the scarf and back to him, distrust stubbornly clinging to her face.

“You must have left it in your room at the Little Palace. Seeing a real piece of you, proof of you after years of pretending you did not exist, undid me. What you saw—though I did not and would not ever have willingly invited you to view it—was me trying to shut you back out.” He shook his hair back and met her eyes.

“It did not work. Clearly. I will no longer pretend that it is a possibility, never again. You know what I am. You know what I want. I will possess you as I am doomed to be possessed by you and I will not be satisfied until I stake my claim for the world to see.”

Alina leaned in to him, eyes blazing in want as her fury was cooled by his words. He delighted in how quickly she whirled through emotions, delighted in persuading her.

“You will not skirt your punishment.” She said.

He leaned into her ear, pressing his lips there and whispered, “My punishment only promises your body will be next to me again.”

His hands wrapped around her hips. “I would take your fire and let it consume me if it brought you a hint of ecstasy.” Palms moved up her ribs and his thumbs brushed the sides of her breasts.

“There is nothing I would not do to bring you pleasure, Alina.” His lips moved to her neck. He grazed his teeth over her pulse.

His hands were closing in on her breasts; fingers long enough to curl around her ribs even while his thumbs circled over her clothed nipples. A soft moan fell against his chest. Her hands fisted into the black linen of his shirt and he smiled.

“You own my body.” He spoke into her jaw, “I will own yours and you will never want for anything.” Cheeks brushed against each other as she nodded. “I do not share, Alina.” Her hips pressed into his involuntarily. “I will keep you sated to the point of recklessness, insanity. This is my vow.”

His eyes looked into hers and as he sat on the bed, pulling her into his lap. The rigid peak of his clothed cock met her cunt and they both hissed. Aleksander watched as she rubbed herself over him in a slow slide.

He still had not kissed her. As if realizing it in that moment, Alina glared at him, grasping his jaw in her hand and reigning her lips upon his. Her hands kept his shoulders in place even as he fell back on the bed.

He matched her intensity, pulling at her face with his hand while his other adjusted her position back over his cock. The moan she exhaled into his mouth spurred him to lick at the seam of her lips until they opened for him.

They wrestled, rolling over each other a couple times before settling on their sides. Her hands explored his body and his sought the wetness between her legs and when his fingers slipped into her they shared a groan. Her mouth never left his. Aleksander pulled back only far enough to watch her eyes squeezed shut in blunt ecstasy while they panted.

She squealed and quieted and he kissed her lips and slowed his fingers, wiggling them in a test of her sensitivity. The answering smile was lazy.

When he brought his fingers to his tongue, she watched with half-lidded eyes as he made slow laps.

It was not prudent to tell him that she would have to re-do this orgasm when she returned to her body. She stored the memory of his fingers, covered in her slick and cleaned with his tongue.

The promise of insanity did not seem so objectionable.

“This is new.” He brushed his fingers over the glittering scales clasped around her wrist.

She blushed and withdrew her hand. He did not know for certain what it was but he had a strong suspicion.

“A gift, only.” She looked away from his eyes and kissed his jaw. The lie burned between them but he did not mind it. He played on her guilt, calculating that she would be reluctant to lie to him twice in a row.

“Alina, how is it possible that no one yet knows about the Sun Summoner? You bandy about using your powers—presumably anyway because rumors do emerge about you yet no one proclaims your existence with any certainty. It should not be possible.”

Alina shrugged with a secret smile and pressed her lips to his neck. “People believe what suits them best. You know this. The commoners want for a savior so rumors are born. Those in power want to keep it and therefore will not acknowledge a threat even when the evidence is delivered to their doorstep.”

It was casual, brisk even, the way she spoke of herself as a threat. Aleksander could not hide the surge of heat it brought on and descended to her ear where nipped and pulled like a hungry beast.

She laughed. A breathy, delighted thing and he smiled against her cheek. All else forgotten.

“Let me come to you. I need your skin against mine. I need your power twisted in with mine. I will have it.”

Her breasts pressed against his chest under the force of his hand at her back. The way her breath quickened was sign enough that she wanted it too. If that weren’t evident, the pull on their tether was so tight it was almost uncomfortable. His forehead fell to hers.

“N-not yet.”

He growled and she placed consoling hands to his face.

“We are dangerous, you and I. And I’ve told you before, I have business to take care of before I can come to you. I will in the end. I swear to you it is in sight, just…be patient for me. Believe me when I say you are mine and I am yours.”

A rumble answered from his throat as his nails scratched at her yellowing love bites. Placed there by some unworthy set of lips and teeth.

Her answering laugh was uneasy.

“They are nothing, Sasha. Nothing to me. You will see.”

He forced himself to change the subject. Even speaking of someone else, someone who had access to the taste of her skin began to spin him.

“We are dangerous? You said just now. Because of the threat we make to the throne. Because together we are the rightful rulers of Ravka. You do mean for us rule in the end?”

She glanced away and he smoothed a thumb through the crease in her brow.

“Not just threats to the throne, no. Not just rulers of Ravka.”

He waited while she weighed her words.

“We are a threat to the world. I am a threat…”

Aleksander watched her lips, waiting for her to continue. She looked small and fearful.

He imagined her as a child, waking in the night from a bad dream.

“I have felt it…when we were together. The only time we were together,” she amended, glancing at him apologetically.

“Within my powers—when they mingled with yours, it was like…like a kind of certainty that if I wanted—” She twisted her face to look at him with the full force of fiery gold eyes, “If I wanted, I could break the whole world open.

“Split everything and everyone and the whole of the universe apart until all that was left was Light and Shadow. Just us. Left in the quiet of it all.”

His heart was racing.

Or perhaps it was the tether vibrating on the frequency of a humming bird's wings?

Both of their breaths became heavy and they sunk closer into the empty space between them.

Alina’s eyes rested on his lips and her voice was breathy again.

“It is ridiculous, isn't it? Thinking I could do that?”

He shook his head, surprised at his inability to string coherent words together.

“Not if you want it, no. If you want it, then it is simply a fact. A truth.”

“It is not what I want.” She whispered.

He nodded in understanding, sinking further into her.

“Is it what you want, Sasha?”

A smirk twitched on his face and then he claimed her mouth again. When he pulled her body over his, running his hands over the backs of her thighs as they opened around his waist, he thought he would not mind it.

If centuries of walking the earth taught him anything, it was how expendable everyone and everything could become, given enough time.

Her Light was creation itself. It lit up within him because where there was light, the shadows would cluster around it; to smother or to worship, he could not be sure. Though he knew it was her Light that began it all.

It would be fitting for her Light to finish it.

His little Sun, expanding around him, swallowing up the whole of the universe in her Light then falling back on him where he could surround her like a cooling Shadow shroud until she decided to burst forth to create something new again.

[organic-sprolden]

(shadow and bone episode 5 spoilers)

oooo Genya(the tailor) has a crushh

Watch him be evil and then she's heartbroken

only jesper would be so carefree and flirty while they're in the middle of trying to steal the most important person in the country.

Alina really has no care for her wellbeing does she?

Fedyor my man, I love how wholesome he is, I feel like he's going to die....

Was Mal even really shot??? like how is he so mobile? and damn stubborn, dude calm down she's not going anywhere, recover for a sec. And I'm still upset that his friends Mikhael and Dubrov are DEAD.

The little details are the best, when the conductor said not to leave it in your pocket if you plan of having children, Inej smirked a little. She knows.

The vibes are off with Kirigan today... those gloves seemed weird and now the way he's looking at Alina is too intense.

NO THEY DID NOT JUST KISS

Jesper pausing for a second when he made eye contactwith stable boy... details again.

Zoya is back??¿?

Fedyor and Ivan are my favourites now. Do not kill them please. I beg. (the details for them too though, I don't know their relationship but in episode 2 you can see Ivan look like he's telling himself "screw it" before dashing into the line of fire to check on Fedyor when they were attacked by the Fjerdans. And then this episode when Fedyor fed him a little dessert. Adorable.)

I repeat, Alina does not care for her safety.

Fedyor and Genya look so proud of her during the demonstration, I love it.

The spiritual advisor creeps me out I don't like it at all.

This conductor guy clearly has never done a heist before, you don't go attacking someone in front of a mirror. Amateur.

OMG MARIE? here I was thinking they would just get a healer for Alina... why can't they though, they're just letting Marie die in place of Alina?? That scene where she asked Genya to remove the tailoring so she dies with her own face was really sad though.

Ahhhh there's Kaz, 10 steps ahead of everyone else. I knew he didn't really trust the conductor.

Ew no kirigan used the blue lilies. I hate it here.

Mal, be smarter. This one guard is taking you somewhere in the night and asking questions about the valuable information you have?

No no no I feel it coming. Why is he closing the door...

He's gonna reveal something evil and then she's trapped and scared and-

oh

I guess not🧍🏽‍♀️

at least he asked for consent! (if him saying "are you sure?" and her responding with the softest of nods counts as consent).

Bahgra (aka old cave lady) I love you.

Oh my oh my oh my I knew it

HE'S THE BLACK HERETIC???

AH BAHGRA IS A SHADOW THINGY TOO?

OMG THE VOLCRA WERE PEOPLE?? THIS IS TOO MUCH

So are all shadow summoners immortal?

Wait does the spiritual guide know? and subtly trying to warn her? or is he just crazy.

Now I don't trust Bahgra, why would she keep Alina alive? I feel like she'd just kill her to save like everyone else's lives. So I'm sort of with Alina on going the other way buuuut, YOU DONT KNOW WHERE IT LEADS YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.

Does this inferni have a name or is Kaz just gonna kill him nameless.

Gosh those cracking sounds.

OH HE'S ALIVE

OH INEJ KILLED HIM

This poor girl managed to be on the dregs evading murder for how long and now she kills a man in a church.

Mal better be smart about having this information...

Kaz and Inej: desperately trying to find the one and only sun summoner to secure their million kruge, almost getting caught, killing an inferni, having to leave empty handed.

Jesper: flirts with the stable hand instead of secure their escape, ends up sleeping with him, chilling outside and seeing the sun summoner in question go and hide in their carriage, grinning as Kaz and Inej are bummed about going through all that without getting anything.

I really truly love jesper very much.

i finally finished the first episode of shadow and bone over the course of 2 days.

totally whipped for jesper lol

Mal and Alina are great, I've never read the trilogy but I like these characters for now.

Alexei though, I thought he would end up being my favourite side character just cuz he was so cute and funny at the start .... if Alina hadn't burned the maps... do I blame her? nope

nonetheless.... Alexei 😔

kaz in this seems more, idk, desperate? generally frustrated and stressed I guess? in the soc books I pictured him as more calm, collected, and ten extremely calculated steps ahead. But in this the way he just seems so shaky? I suppose, it seems a bit out of character, at least in my image of him.

inej I feel is more like the books in the times when she felt more like a 16 year old girl rather than the wraith. can't wait to see her in action in the episodes to come.

I loveeee seeing the grishas work, especially the heartrender scene. Hearing the pulse was so shskskajjs.

anyway, episode 2 tonight, maybe I'll liveblog rather than try to recall all my thoughts after the fact😃

[jomiddlemarch]

I posted 867 times in 2021

445 posts created (51%)

422 posts reblogged (49%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.9 posts.

I added 1,125 tags in 2021

#shadow and bone - 318 posts

#darklina - 225 posts

#romance - 130 posts

#alina x aleksander - 89 posts

#helnik - 81 posts

#evening reblog - 65 posts

#mercy street - 63 posts

#humor - 56 posts

#angst - 49 posts

#alina starkov - 49 posts

Longest Tag: 123 characters

#alina seeing the beautiful and jeweled ladies of the court and getting self conscious and ivan giving her a little pep talk

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I too have been covered with thorns

After Aleksander ordered the Stag’s collar to be put around her neck, even after his explanations, the anguished look in his dark eyes, the alteration in his posture that told her he’d kneel before her, Alina declared she’d never forgive him. Never.

“Fine, make me—"

And then before he had taken two steps away from her, they heard the cries and shouts, the desperate keening of wind and flame just outside the tent. Ivan, his face streaked with blood, ran in, and told them in a few, rasping words.

Shu-Han and Fjerda had invaded.

The encampment was overrun.

They were at war.

*

“You and Fedyor must go to the Little Palace and secure it,” Aleksander said, his clipped tone one Alina had never heard before, the General under duress.

“And leave you here, moi soverenyyi?” Ivan said, clearly completely opposed to the order but unwilling to challenge his superior directly.

“There is no one else I would trust to save the younglings at the Little Palace. Botkin cannot defend it by himself and the Shu-Han will be merciless to him if he is captured,” Aleksander said.

“You don’t even know they’re in danger at the Little Palace,” Alina said. Ivan looked at her as if he’d very much like to rend her heart.

“If they have attacked us here, they will be waging war on every location the Grisha are known to congregate, to destroy us beyond regrouping or recovery, beyond any surrender,” Aleksander explained.

“The First Army would protect the Grisha at the Little Palace—”

“Perhaps,” Aleksander said. Ivan grimaced and Alina noticed there was a dark stain on the left sleeve of his kefta. Was he in pain or merely annoyed by her? “I cannot take the chance, risk all their lives, on the First Army perceiving this as an attack on Ravka and not solely the Grisha. There are First Army officers who would gladly join the Fjerdans in murdering any Grisha they found, however young.”

“Your mother, Dame Baghra,” Alina began, stopped when Aleksander laughed, a brief, harsh sound, that had something in it of respect and something more of an endlessly long despair.

“She’ll survive if that’s what she wants. I wish them joy of any attempt they make on her, they will tremble and wish for oblivion if she decides she will make them suffer,” he said. “She is the one person in all Ravka I needn’t worry about. Ivan, the ambassadors, who has them?”

“Nazyalensky. She rounded them up, put them under guard, and then called forth a storm. It rages worst where she has them,” Ivan said.

“They’re hostages?” Alina said. Aleksander opened his mouth to speak but Ivan interrupted.

“What part of a war don’t you understand, Starkov? They are high-ranking officials, they have to be kept safe from Fjerdan bloodlust and the Shu-Han ‘serenity clinics.’ The Grisha are the targets, not the aggressors. We wouldn’t even be this vulnerable if you had not run away—”

“Enough!” Aleksander exclaimed. “Go now, Vanya, get Fedyor and the fastest horses you can find—make haste for Os Alta. I will send word to you when I can.”

“Saints guide your hands, moi soverenyyi,” Ivan said, bowing. Alekander gave him a quick nod and clasped his shoulder for an instant, in what was clearly a Grisha ritual.

“I could go with Ivan, help to protect the younglings,” Alina offered, warming to the words as she spoke them. “I could blind anyone—”

“You cannot leave my side,” Aleksander said. “Not for a moment. Our best chance lies in our conjoint power and now, with the collar—”

“I see,” Alina said. She felt the weight of the Stag’s horns against her throat. This was what he’d wanted, to use her as a weapon, to wield her light as readily as his shadow.

“You can’t fall into their hands. The Fjerdans would only kill you. The Shu-Han would make you into such a devastation as cannot be imagined,” Ivan said, almost kindly. “I go now, General Kirigan. We shall not fail you.”

Ivan left and they stood there, the same tent where they’d just been arguing so fiercely, now silent, even the sounds of the raging combat dulled and distant.

“I could not fight for the rest of them if I didn’t have you with me, Alina,” Aleksander said, his eyes lowered.

“You need me to defeat our enemies, I understand,” she said.

“You don’t,” he said. “I could not think of anything, anyone, if I could not be sure you were safe. I cannot lose you, even if you despise me.”

See the full post

114 notes • Posted 2021-10-30 18:52:29 GMT

#4

If this doesn’t scream for a Darklina modern AU or even any Darkling/pairing AU, I don’t know what does. I think a collection of drabbles on the theme of Aleksander in a Pink Bathrobe would be a solid addition to the universe as a whole.

And I haven’t see it floating around Tumblr, so, you’re welcome :)

159 notes • Posted 2021-07-30 18:24:51 GMT

#3

178 notes • Posted 2021-03-26 21:38:40 GMT

#2

what it is to be a thin crescent moon

Chapter 17

“I’d rather go to the Library, but not like this,” Alina said, gesturing at her First Army uniform. “Could we go to the Vezda suite first so I can change quickly?” If Ivan thought it was odd she said the Vezda suite and not my rooms, there was certainly no way to tell.

“You do not have to make requests of me, Miss Starkov. I take my orders from you,” he said.

“But only if General Kirigan approves,” she replied. “If it came to it, you would do what he told you, not me.”

“That would be…a complex situation. One I cannot imagine encountering,” he said. Alina glanced up at him. His eyes were dark but not brown like her own or black as Aleksander’s. Ivan’s were a very deep grey like stone wet with rain or the sky filled with storm-clouds. He could imagine it, had imagined it, she saw that, as well as noticing that he hadn’t decided what he would do if it happened, what duty was supreme, and it troubled him though he wouldn’t admit it. Not even to Fedyor.

“You have more pressing matters to occupy your thoughts,” she offered. “Rather than hypotheticals.”

He looked almost thankful she’d given him an out instead of pressing him to dissect which obligation was greater, his duty to Aleksander, his General, the leader of the Grisha, and the oath he’d sworn to Alina after nearly killing her.

“I’ll only be a few minutes,” she said, since they’d come to the door of the Vezda suite.

“No,” he said. “I go first if there is no maid within to open it.” He didn’t look fierce, only grim, and she wondered how many assassination attempts on Aleksander’s life he’d foiled. She let him pass in front of her and waited for him to call out that she might enter. Once she stepped inside, he withdrew.

When Genya had first pinned the veil to the shako, Alina had imagined tearing it off afterward and wadding it up and throwing it into a corner of the suite for Genya or the maids to find and shrug over, but Aleksander had transformed it into something precious with his hands and his voice and his dark eyes watching her face. Alina took the fur hat off her hair and unlatched the catch of the brooch, then let the shako fall to her bed and folded the veil as carefully as she would have touched Aleksander’s face, tracing the line of his jaw, the delicate skin of his closed eyelids, the bridge of his nose, his lower lip. She put it away in the same locked chest she kept his kefta in and then hurried to shed the First Army uniform and throw on a shirt, trousers and her blue kefta over it all. Her hair and face were still Tailored, but the Librarian was unlikely to make any remarks.

“You didn’t need to rush, Sun Summoner,” Ivan said as she walked out of the room. “Not because you think I am impatient or have something more important to do.”

“But General Kirigan—”

“General Kirigan would not have dispatched me if he felt I was needed at his side,” Ivan replied.

“The way you spoke of Dame Baghra, I don’t know, it made me uneasy,” Alina said, working to match her pace to his.

“No Grisha would blame you for that,” he replied. “It has been many years since my own training with her and I wouldn’t want to relive it.”

“General Kirigan has not introduced me to her,” Alina said.

“However soon you meet her will be soon enough,” Ivan said. Alina sensed this was as informal as he was likely to be with her or perhaps anyone other than Fedyor. They’d arrived at the Library and she went over to the table that had become hers, Ivan nodding at the Librarian when he was told the security measures were all in place. The texts she had been studying were still stacked where she’d left them and she told herself she’d immerse herself in the philosophy treatise she’d been reading and let everything else fall away.

It was a miserable failure.

First, Alina told herself it was the chair and she wriggled around in it trying to find some ideal position that would let her focus her attention without it making a lick of difference. She moved the treatise around, picked up her pen, put it down, dipped it in the inkwell, wrote Notes on Treatise of Merzost and Zalitnuud, underscored it and made a tick mark with nothing to follow. She fiddled with a piece of her hair which was not loose in the least, until it was loose in the least and then she brushed the end across her cheekbone and sighed and took a series of deep breaths and even conjured a sfera the size of a onion beneath the table and worked to keep the light the even dimness of a winter dawn, but while she felt marginally better and would happily have eaten a roasted onion with good appetite, she was no more able to concentrate than when she’d started.

She’d asked Aleksander what have you done? because there was part of her that suspected it was enough for him to have recited the vows, that he hadn’t simply said some beautiful words or proposed but actually joined them in some attachment that couldn’t be broken, a marriage or a bond that went beyond what any ozkazat’sya would consider a marriage. There was part of her that hoped he had, that he’d done something irrevocable that would mean she could go to him or he could come to her and it wouldn’t need to be concealed or barely tolerated, but required, accepted, celebrated. And there was part of her that felt she was tipping on the edge of an abyss, one she could never light to its utmost depth, no matter how hard she tried, and she couldn’t tell if Aleksander was trying to pull her back or push her in.

“Making faces won’t help,” the Librarian commented. Alina had not been able to divine whether the Librarian was a man or a woman, a Grisha or some creature willing to work alongside Grisha, but Togtuun was patient, prescient, delighted with Alina’s endless questions, and only annoyed by a disregard for the proper care and shelving of the books given to Alina for review. Alina supposed that last might be a characteristic of any good Librarian, as a stablemaster might fuss over his horses and a Healer the proper preparation and storage of their pharmacopeia. “The treatise won’t mind that grimace, but it won’t give up its secrets any sooner.”

“I’m sorry, I’m bothering you,” Alina said.

“You’re not but I can see you cannot do the work you wanted to. Cannot lose yourself as you wished,” Togtuun said.

“You can see all that, even through the Tailoring?”

“The Tailoring was for the Tsar,” Togtuun said, adjusting the cowl of their deep brown kefta, as unlike the Apparat’s habit as rich loam was to ash. “Nothing about you looks different to me, except that you’ve had some sort of a shock, beyond the discovery of your light.”

“That’s not wrong,” Alina said.

“Stop reading and draw,” Togtuun said. “Let your hand guide your mind until you can ask the question you need, of the one you need to ask.”

“I should leave—”

“You don’t have to,” Togtuun said. “The Library is not only for reading. You need to think and you can’t think how. See what the ink says to your palm, what your palm says to your eyes. The treatise has no feet, it won’t run away from you.”

See the full post

249 notes • Posted 2021-08-13 18:36:54 GMT

#1

Here are two choices (among others) for options to support women in Afghanistan right now:

Women for Afghan Women: https://womenforafghanwomen.org/

A GoFundMe “Women Globally Working to Protect Afghan Women” here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/protect-women-leaders-in-afghanistan?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=m_pd+share-sheet

Both allow anonymous donations and both are vetted. Even if you can’t afford to donate, you can share these options with others.

3838 notes • Posted 2021-08-16 11:43:24 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[sirenprincess15]

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 11

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

In this chapter: Alina learns the truth about Aleksander's identity and confronts him. Can their relationship survive?

Recommended music: P!nk Please Don't Leave Me

Chapter 11

The creak of the door opening pulled Aleksander’s attention from the maps in front of him. His men were following the Stag where the tracker had spotted it, in Fjerda, and there was no way there that wouldn’t endanger them. He trusted his power to protect them when he joined them, but they needed a sure plan to minimize any risk of running into the Fjerdans. The situation was stressful enough without worrying if Alina would cooperate willingly. He refused to let his mind go over the possibilities if she wouldn’t. He had to remain focused on the priority, which was assuring her safety. He had learned that lesson well. Amplifier first, details later. He was so distracted that he didn’t really look at who was at the door until they entered. He had expected Ivan with an update, but to his surprise, it was Alina. Perhaps she had come to her senses and had come to apologize.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” she snarled.

For a moment, he thought she meant about destroying the Fold, but something had dramatically changed in her from even earlier. The hatred in her eyes left no question as to what she meant. He stared in disbelief a moment, but he was sure. She knew his true identity. He wondered how she had found out, but it was a fleeting thought. To see her give him that look he’d seen so many times before, disgust mixed with hatred and fear … it stopped his heart. The entire world seemed to shatter around him as he realized all he was losing in that instant--Alina, not just her powers, no he would find a way to control those, but her partnership. The girl who always managed to surprise him and make him smile, she was gone, as was the girl who had dared to ever try to comfort him. Instead, she was replaced with someone possessed by the disgust and fear of so many who had come before her.

“So you could look at me like that?” he asked. “No.”

“Black Heretic! What? You said I could say it!”

What did she want him to say? Perhaps she was just so full of anger that she couldn’t resist screaming at him until she could not speak anymore. He shrugged. He did not feel like having this fight. He just wanted to close his eyes and realize that this was another nightmare.

“Was it all a lie then? An act for me? To manipulate me? The scared little boy who was overwhelmed with the ancestral guilt and shame of a mistake that happened hundreds of years before? You created the Fold. You isolated and nearly destroyed Ravka. You didn’t care about the people in the way you hurt because you wanted power. You’ve killed thousands with the Fold. You killed my parents!”

He wanted to scream back at her, to remind her who she was talking to. He never let anyone speak to him without reverence, but she had always been different. He couldn’t stand to let her think that. “It wasn’t all a lie. It was … as close to the truth as I could explain. If I had told you, would you have trusted me to protect you? To get you help with your power? To work together? I never meant … I didn’t want people like your parents to get hurt …”

“More lies! You wanted to make the Fold! You wanted to show how very powerful you are. You only cared about proving how strong you were, how much better than everyone else you were. Tell me, did you enjoy making people so scared? Did you cheer when you turned men into Volcra?”

“Who have you been talking to?” he hissed through gritted teeth.

“Baghra. You know, your mother. Left that bit out too, didn’t you?”

So that is what his own mother thought of him, that he’d plotted the whole thing and enjoyed the pain he caused. That rejection stung like a hornet, but he’d accepted his mother’s disapproval some time ago. It was the hatred in Alina’s eyes that tore him to the core.

“So you talked to Baghra and you know everything now, is that it?” he raged. “You know everything about that day? How it all happened? You’ve got it all figured out, have you? You. Know. Nothing!”

“Then tell me!” she screamed back, not backing down at his anger. She had never been intimidated by his authority. “If you wanted me to know your side then why didn’t you ever tell me?! We have been sleeping together for months, Aleksander. You had every opportunity to tell me! So let’s hear it. Tell me what it is you’d have me know!”

He raised his hands to cast darkness around her face. A small shot in her direction would be enough to temporarily deprive her of oxygen and knock her out. Ivan could resuscitate her. They’d keep her captive until they had the Stag, and then they’d use the amplifier to control her power. It would be simple, really. He didn’t need to have this conversation, but when he tried to pull his power to send her direction, he just couldn’t rid himself of the image of her comforting him through his nightmares. She was always so gentle with him. She never mentioned it again when he was out of one of his spells. She never looked at him with anything but love. Until now. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing all of that forever. But what choice did he have? What path didn’t lead to more pain? She would never forgive him. The hate and disgust would never leave her. His head couldn’t shake those brief moments of heaven she’d given him in her arms. He couldn’t harm her, not even if he wanted to. There were no words to make her understand, and yet, somehow, he had to try. Slowly, he lowered his hands. Now they seemed more like they were begging her to stop her verbal attack than they were yielding what had almost been his physical one.

She seemed to realize what had almost happened, what he had stopped himself from doing for her, because she seemed softer now. “Just tell me?” she begged.

“Alina, have you never made a mistake? Thought you were doing the right thing to protect people, and then suddenly, everything was all wrong? You said you feared you would be the new heretic if you messed up. Well what do you think happened to me?! You listened to the accusations of an angry old woman who has always wanted me to be alone. Don’t believe her.”

“So tell me. If it was a mistake, then tell me. What happened?”

He swallowed. He’d never tried to talk to anyone about that day. How did he even start? “I didn’t create the Fold on purpose. To understand what happened, you have to understand what led to it. I was in so much pain …” No, he realized. He couldn’t just start with the mistake and say he had been hurting when he had a lapse in judgement. No, he had to go back, so she could truly understand, but that meant going back to Luda. “They …” The word ‘killed’ wouldn’t cross his lips. He couldn’t get the image of Luda, helpless, her arms tied behind her back, begging him for help as they … “She …” he tried again, but no more words would come. He saw them stab the sword through her heart. He yanked to free his wrists of the bar that rendered him helpless to use his power to save her. Oh how he had loved her. He’d tried to protect himself because she was bound to die sometime, but he hadn’t been successful. There was nothing he could do to save her. As many times as he saw this nightmare over and over again, nothing in it ever changed. He was helpless. And she died. Because of him.

A single tear slipped down his cheek. He tried to blink back the rest. He couldn’t let Alina see him like this, not now, not while she hated him. He had to pull himself back together, but he found that without the anger, he was left with only pain that he could not control. Without the monster he unleashed to send darkness to protect him, he was vulnerable and hurt … and he couldn’t let her see …

More tears were falling. He could not erase the image of Luda’s anguished face … until it became Alina’s that they were about to murder in his nightmare.

Alina reached out and caught his arm. It was only in that moment that he realized that he was hyperventilating the way he did when he awoke from his nightmares. He couldn’t catch his breath. His throat was swelling shut. He would lose control of the shadows next if he didn’t get himself under control.

“Aleksander?” Her voice was suddenly full of concern.

She’d used his real name. Not the Black Heretic, not you, not even Kirigan. Aleksander. He dared glance up and saw her eyes had changed. She was worried. About him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but he found himself frozen staring into her eyes. What could he possibly say to stop the hatred from coming back? He wanted to stay just trapped in this moment where her eyes actually cared again. But how? He was so petrified at the idea of losing … her … in any sense he was facing losing her, and he could not survive it.

“You’re trembling,” she whispered. She fully wrapped her arms around him. “Let’s just go sit down on the chaise. Okay?”

He was confused why she would show him kindness now, but as he couldn’t manage to get his emotions under control, at least not without unleashing darkness so strong it might kill half the creatures in the woods, he found he could do little more than nod. He would have done anything she asked in that moment, to keep her gentle touch on him. She led him through the war room to his bedchamber. Sitting on the chaise, he simply stared into her eyes. He wanted to memorize every detail of this look, so he could hold onto it forever after she hated him again. He found himself matching his breathing to hers as she often had him do after a nightmare. And then she released her light, her warmth to envelop them. After some time, seconds, minutes, an hour, he wasn’t sure, he found he could swallow again. “Thank you,” he finally managed to whisper while hopelessly praying that wouldn’t mean the moment was over.

“Let’s try again,” she commanded. “To be clear, I’m still really pissed at you, but I do want to hear what you have to say. Perhaps with a bit of the truth this time?”

He nodded, but he wasn’t sure he was any more able to fulfil her request than he had been before. “I’ve never talked about it with anyone,” he confided. “It’s never not been with me, every waking nightmare, but I’ve never tried to put it into words. Without the monster that growls at anyone who gets close and uses the dark to protect himself … I’m not sure the man who is left can talk about it.” He wasn’t making much sense, he realized, but he hoped she understood.

“Let’s try,” she insisted. “Aleksander, you’ve lied to me about who you are from the beginning. How can you expect me not to believe Baghra’s version if you won’t tell me yours? I want to know if you’ve just been manipulating me this whole time or if … if …”

“No!” he gasped. How could she think that? “What I felt for you was always real!”

“I cannot truthfully return it if you are hiding who you are from me. So tell me. What drove you to create the Fold? If it wasn’t for power and control, then … what?”

He took a deep, shaky breath as he tried to think of where to begin to help her truly understand. “They were hunting Grisha, burning us on the pyres. Nowhere was safe. Ravka, Fjerda, Shu Han, they were all the same. Grisha were tortured and killed everywhere. We fled from one location to the next. My entire childhood. Once, they burnt … he was … I thought we could be friends if we stayed--he was just a child like me … right in front of me. I can still hear his screams. And the cheers of the otkazat'sya as he burned. Baghra said we couldn’t flee until it was over or they would suspect us. And then when it was clear, we would move on. But the king … when he discovered my powers, he thought I could have a use. Win his war. And I thought … I thought if I could show him that Grisha could be useful, could be allies, then he would stop the killing of Grisha. That I could help keep Grisha safe.”

“But that didn’t happen.”

“I won his war, but then they came for us to kill all known Grisha. All, Alina. They wiped out entire villages. Women. Children. It was my fault. I know now. All of their deaths are on me. I brought more attention on us. I should have known the king would never trust Grisha even though I was loyal to him. Luda … she was … my … lover? That word doesn’t seem to cover it. I loved her. I tried not to, but I did. They came for us. Shot me full of arrows over and over again. And then again. They think that Grisha cannot feel pain, but mortal wounds still hurt the same even if they do not kill you. Those scars, I still feel them. She … she … she …” He took a breath and focused on Alina. He had to stay focused on the now and not get lost in the nightmare again. She grew the warmth of her power to calm him so he could continue. Her sun could always soothe his darkness. “They killed her right in front of me. To punish me for being what I am. Hands bound behind my back, I was powerless to protect her. She was a healer. She was good and caring. She never harmed anyone. And they slaughtered her. Because of my stupid mistake of believing that people might accept us if we helped them. Because of me. Her death is on me.”

“And that’s the nightmares?”

He nodded his confirmation. “Sometimes the nightmares are of her death. It’s worse when they are of yours. I created the Fold because of the pain I was in for what they did to her. They would have kept coming until we were all dead. It was going to be genocide of our entire people. I needed something to defend us. I had never imagined the Fold. It wasn’t what I wanted, not what I was trying to make. I wanted an army to defend us, to protect Grisha so no one else would have to feel what I felt! What Luda felt when they ran a sword through her just for being Grisha. But the Fold came out. It was a mistake. Baghra warned me that Merzost is unpredictable, but I had no other choice! I couldn’t stand by and watch all Grisha die as she wanted me to. I didn’t know … I didn’t know any of it. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t still use it to protect us! It has protected us. How do you think I gained control of the Little Palace? We have a sanctuary for all Grisha! A terrible thing can still be used for our benefit.”

“Kirigan,” she said firmly. “We are destroying the Fold. That is my goal. A united Ravka. No more suffering.”

“Don’t you see, Alina? Don’t you get it yet? I created the Fold when they destroyed Luda. What will I do when they kill you? Because they already are trying. They attacked … Marie …” He still couldn’t bring himself to tell her the truth about Marie’s death. Surely just the attempt alone would help her understand. “Your power is more than anything they have ever seen. They won’t let you simply be with that power! Without the Fold to protect us, what will stop them? Zlatan will not stop until he has your power or you are dead. If I kill him, then the Fjerdans will come for your power and kill you. And then what monstrous thing will I do? Will anyone survive my reaction to that pain? Because I love you a hell of a lot more than I ever loved her, and …”

And there it was. Out in the open. Of course, she knew he loved her. He delighted in making her feel loved and special after so many years alone. Still, he hadn’t meant for her to know how very deeply she owned his heart. There was no taking back the words now. “I’m scared of what I will do if I lose you,” he admitted. In any form, her death or her abandoning him. He’d grown too close, let his heart get too attached. He knew better! Love only ever resulted in pain. “It could be the end of Ravka.”

She stared at him a long while, not responding, simply … scrutinizing him. He held his breath, hoping he hadn’t frightened her with his revelation. It hung heavily in the air as he waited for her reaction. “I just don’t know how I can trust you. Are you manipulating me just now? It seems real, but … after talking to Baghra …”

He grabbed her hand and pressed it to his chest so she could truly feel him. He called to her power, but she tried to stop her power from responding to him. “I love you! You can feel that, Alina.”

“I don’t trust myself to be able to tell with you anymore.”

“You’re angry that I lied,” he whispered. He understood that. “So punish me, Alina. Punish me however you deem fit, but don’t leave me for being afraid you’d run from the truth. Please. Please don’t leave me.”

“Baghra told me to, you know. To run, to never look back. She had a way out for me.”

“But you didn’t,” he whispered, realizing she had chosen to come back to him. Ivan hadn’t hauled her in for running. She hadn’t even tried. “Why?”

She was quiet for a long moment. “I am Grisha. You’ve taught me that I can’t hide who I am. If I ran, went into hiding, concealed my power … no, I couldn’t go back to that, to not sleeping, not eating, not being myself.”

“I see.” He chastised himself for hoping he might have been a part of that reason. “And us?”

She opened her mouth to speak several times before she finally sighed in frustration. “I’m sorry. I’m just really struggling to deal with knowing that the man I fell in love with isn’t even real. The love for that man is still there, but he doesn’t exist.”

“Is who I am so vile that you can no longer see the man you love now that he has a name? A past?” His face contorted in anguish at her rejection. His eyes filled with tears again; his muscles quivered with the effort of trying to blink them back.

“I just don’t know what, if any of that, is real!”

“I’m real. We are real. I never faked any emotion with you. I just … if I tried to tell you a story about my past, I had to alter it so it would make sense with what you knew, but … I wasn’t manipulating you, Alina. I … this, us, happened so much faster than I expected. I was enjoying letting you in.” It had been stupid, but he had let it happen.

She shook her head. “I don’t want to hurt you, Aleksander. I want to trust you. Trust must be earned, especially after all you have hid from me.”

“We have eternity for me to earn it back,” he whispered. “If you will give me the chance. I will try, every day, forever, to show you that I am worthy of your trust if you will just give me that day with you.”

“Eternity?” she gasped, shaking her head. “You, but me?”

He tilted his head and looked at her with curiosity. “Had you not realized? Power is what determines a Grisha’s lifespan. I told you that. Your power rivals mine.” And the amplifier would get her there.

She shook her head. “I don’t … I’m not …”

He squeezed her hand. “You are so much more than you realize you are.”

She looked into his eyes and stared there a long time. She seemed almost lost in the blackness there, but finally she nodded. “I will give you the chance to prove to me that I can trust you. I do understand why you wouldn’t introduce yourself to me as the Black Heretic from moment one. You’re hurt, and ashamed, and broken, even all these years later. Don’t try to deny that,” she quickly stopped him from speaking. “I’ve seen the real you, Aleksander. But that’s just it. If we continue this relationship, it’s with Aleksander. No more lies. No more manipulations. You let me see the real you. I get to know you again, the real you. And, together, we decide on the best course of action. Together we fight the darkness that I can feel tries to overwhelm you. Together we fight to protect Grisha and Ravka. But as partners. I will not be your pawn.”

He nodded. What choice did he have? It was terrifying to let her in like this, but she had seen glimpses of who he was inside, when he let his guard down. If he refused, he would lose her for certain, and that was the most terrifying option of all.

“We’re agreed then? No more secrets? No more manipulation? Because if I catch you trying to manipulate me again, we are done.”

“I’m not very good at that, Alina,” he admitted. “I’ve never … there’s never been anyone I could be fully honest with. Not ever. I’ve been taught to lie since the moment I could talk.”

“You’ll try,” she said firmly.

“I’ll try,” he agreed, “for you.” He would do anything for her. “Please be patient with me, Alina. Hundreds of years, I’ve always lied to everyone.”

He began to think through what it might be like to share everything with her. It would be nice to be able to tell her the truth about his past, in his stories, to better explain his emotions, but he would struggle to not keep things from her, particularly when she wouldn’t like the truth. How many truths had he kept from her to protect her? Where should he even try to start to fill her in on the truth? Then he remembered what would probably irritate her worst of all. He closed his eyes and cringed. No, there was no way she could ever forgive him, so he couldn’t possibly tell her the truth about … But if she was giving him a chance to prove his trustworthiness and he continued to hide this ...

“Oh, I think you’d better tell me what that’s all about.”

“Alina …”

“Right now,” she insisted.

He moved his hand to his head and massaged his temple. Trying to figure out how to stay on her good side was going to be the end of him. And yet, he could not bear the alternative. No matter how he tried to manipulate things, if she could read his emotions so easily, she would eventually find out the truth. She was directly telling him she would not forgive further deceit. He had to tell her. “Very well,” he finally agreed. “As long as you are forgiving mistakes of the past.”

He strode to his desk, opened a lower drawer, and pulled out a large black box. He carried it back to the chaise in his bedchamber and sat it in front of her before opening the lid to reveal the letters from the tracker and her letters to him. They were rumpled from being read many times; the ink bled in a few places.

Alina gasped when she saw the handwriting, but then the anger clouded her eyes as she saw how many of them there were.

“How could you?!” she yelled.

“Alina …”

“You knew how much he meant to me! How it hurt me that he wouldn’t write back! I poured my heart out .... You let me think that he had abandoned me … so that I’d have no one to turn to but you,” she realized, her eyes turning on him with accusation.

“So that you would have nowhere to go but forward,” he clarified.

The sting of her hand slapping his face for the second time that day was enough to make him wince. “Alina, I really do not like being hit.” It made him feel like a child. He wouldn’t stop her, though. He knew he deserved much worse.

“How could you? How could you? You knew what that did to me. Didn’t you care about me at all? About my feelings?”

“I didn’t kill him out of respect for you,” he said coldly. “It would have been simple. Army accident, my army. But I couldn’t do that to you.”

“Am I supposed to thank you for that?” The anger was fully back, as he expected. But any forgiveness until he admitted this would have been false. He was stupid enough to want her to actually fully accept him, even when he knew that couldn’t be.

“You could thank me or you could just read your letters, Alina. Be glad I decided to give them to you. From the first one that I read it was obvious to me that he was holding you back. You would never let yourself move on as Grisha with him. I did what you needed.”

“You don’t get to decide that!” She shook her head with anger and opened her mouth to retaliate, but then instead started scanning the first letter.

“Keep them,” he whispered. “I’ll give you some space to read them if you wish.”

Her eyes met his. “You will fetch him for me at once.”

Of all her reactions, he had not expected that one. He stared at her dumbfounded.

“Mal,” she clarified. “Don’t tell me you don’t know where he is. I know better now. You will fetch him at once.”

“And you think that’s a good idea? Putting me, you know what I’m capable of, in the same place as your, what? You think that’s going to go well?”

“Aleksander, if you want a relationship, it must be a partnership. I am allowed to have friends. I won’t be involved with you trying to seclude me anymore. You feel very alone, but that does not give you the right to make me feel alone.”

“I let you have friends,” he stubbornly insisted. “Friends who lift you up--Nadia, Marie, Genya.” Okay, one of them was dead and one was his spy. It seemed an inappropriate moment to bring that up, and she was continuing her tirade anyway.

“If we are going to make this work, then you will find a way to control your anger and those impulses to manipulate. You will let me talk to Mal, uninterrupted. And if you don’t agree with that, then let’s see how your shadow magic matches against my sun as I try to leave!”

She was calling his bluff. He couldn’t do that to her and she knew it. “And what happens when he makes you realize you truly have been sleeping with a monster?”

“Then I tell him to shut up because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You have to trust me enough to handle that.”

He stared into her eyes and wondered if this would be the last time she’d talk to him civilly. Mal would tell her that he’d tried to get to her, and he’d stopped him. Mal would make her fear his dark “shadow magic.” Mal would tell her to get away from him, but she had already directly told him that if he opposed this, he would lose her. Oh, he would win the power test. Her natural talent was strong but he had the experience. Having control of her power would not change her heart. Ever. If he let her have as she requested, was it possible it wouldn’t go the way he imagined? It was worth the risk. “As you wish, but remember who you are. You are Grisha, and he is nothing.”

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Author Notes: I do hope you enjoyed this chapter. This is actually the very first chapter of the entire story that I wrote many months ago and that inspired the whole thing. What if Alina had bonded enough to Aleksander that she confronted him when she learned the truth? What if Aleksander had bonded enough to Alina that he actually let her behind his walls and was willing to open up to her with the truth? How would they get there? Where would they go from there? It's my favorite scene, and I hope you enjoyed it too.

I'm sure people will ask if she's actually going to meet with Mal. The answer is yes, but don't worry. There will be no lusting after Mal here. It's Aleksander's POV. Mal isn't even on screen. Aleksander has no desire to see that crap, I don't want to write it, and you (probably) don't want to read it. It seemed important for me to let Alina realize for herself that Mal is bad for her (and she will). This Alina has had a bit more time to develop her self-esteem and she doesn't feel as tricked by Aleksander and shamed by Baghra's words. She's seen enough to realize there's more to the story. The next chapter is sad-puppy-eyed Aleksander angsting over Alina. You will definitely want to cuddle him.