#like its really heavy
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weird wuestion but um do any of you get sleep paralysis but youre awake and its only in one body part
#like if u wiggle ur otes u can move the whoke thing but its reeally hard#to move#like its really heavy#and reflexes dont work right
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you know relationship drama in teufort goes crazy
#team fortress 2#art#fanart#heavy tf2#medic tf2#heavymedic#tf2#tf2 demoman#demoman x heavy#implied lol#i dont think thats really a ship but its here now. this idea showed up fully formed so who am i to deny it#also sorry for making blu demo kinda a bad guy two comics in a row if it helps you can pretend this was all one really good match for him#also its fine they kiss and make up really loudly like three days later#the old farts of new mexico developing relationship dynamics not even shrimp could see#edit: also also we ignore how small medic is whoopsies that will not happen again lol#demoheavy#that IS a tag turns out#how many tags can i put before it stops showing up in said tags now
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SEOKJIN + looks i'm not normal about (cr. 0613data, apple tape)
#usersky#annietrack#usermaggie#userpat#userkelli#btsgif#seokjin#my gifset#my content#w:bts#please lmk if i shouldnt use your tag - i havent giffed bts in a minute and im not sure what tags to use anymore 🥹#this was fun to color. took me 7 hours LMAOO but im satisfied for once. more or less#also first time trying the heavy sharpening/contrast i see a lot of creators use nowadays in both gifs and video edits#and i really like it i think. im going to alternate between this and my usual soft contrast in the future#anyways this man stays one of the most gorgeous creatures that ever graced planet earth im so serious#he doesnt even need bedroom eyes. look at that smile. the twinkling eyes. im awfully down bad for him and its embarassing#pf
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Tee bee atech I might jig this design a bit but this is what I have so far, he's a Japanese dragon because uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh he's a big tall strong handsome man and allat
#🌩nebulous' art🌒#art#digital art#mcyt#hermitcraft#so maybe i made him a dragon so i could give him a long tail#SO WHAT#i love putting little charms on the ends of the tails like yesssss make that an extra limb girl#TRINKETS#anyway yes i really hope it comes across as a japanese dragon i looked at a lot of refrence images#smallishbeans#joel smallishbeans#hermitcraft season 10#smallishbeans fanart#japanese cyberpunk#hc s10 smallishbeans fanart#dragon smallishbeans#i like the idea that hes always got horns or antenna no matter what but i alsoooo want them to be diffrent sometimes#for funsies#i almost gave him a MEGA HEAVY TECH headset with antenna but#but but b#but dragon :C#it spoke to me yall sorry#that sword....its gotta be changed
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something something the illegal street racers have now switched to being bikers and Bumblebee and Prowl decide to take part (the Race comic lives in my head rent free. the universe must let prowl give into more silliness and sassiness) as a teamwork exercise but things get out of control. possibly cuz of it again being a rigged deathly racing..
also V
cute as hell. what are you worried about prowl. he's the one getting attention. not you. smiles
#DO NOT PERCIEVE THE BIKE CLOSELY! I DID NOT TRY MY BEST !#i also want one of the racers to help these 2 out like let prowl know he'd have to change his alt form to a heavy bike to fit in if he#doesnt like the attention unlike bee who's basically begging for it all the time#and allowing bee to indulge in a huuuuge speed thrill with prowl. possibly with the help of sari's key I SHOULD add sari in this too#one of the girl racers was really cute i will have her be these faggots' helper#fun cute little trust exercise between the two that becomes hell on earth . as usual *salute emoji#you know at first i was talking with marti another version of this au i think that'll be its separate doodles for fun . teehee#i would share more but i must ramble with me friend first#tfa#transformers animated#prowl#bumblebee#scriboozles
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I don't have a silly cheeky comment for this one besides it leans heavily on my headcanons and stuff on Grujaja. (that's how you know ur in the tranches for a character.)
^face of a guy that keeps hurtin his bonds w anyone close to him. Bonus doodles i made while drawing this that are semi related due to being tied to my Gr headcanons unda the cut lol:
#great god grove#ggg spoilers#ggg capochin#ggg grujaja#ggg gr#ggg hector#<- in the readmore lol#Capo is so used to my Grujaja just quietly doing what he asks even after the bizzyboys dissolve it throws him through a loop when told no#<- this is a fact ive drawn in past images. i did that on purpose. Grujaja doing what he's told no hesitation or input#spent 3/4s of his life following these guys and not having his own personal hobbies. or having many personal items. it was his life#devoted to a cause and what it stood for because to him it saved his life meanwhile its just another festering wound.#capo is also drunk and girlrotting#capo lashing out at things and going too far fans where are u im right here#also please note the use of “kid” to a 40 year old man.#Capo still seeing gr as a small scared kid despite it being 33 years later#and getting the smack in the face this guy is a more mature adult than he is#because capo straight up broke the one thing Gruja wore on him he really cared about and instead on attacking that man he just gets up#and walks away#i cope with my evil images by drawing tiny gr because he brings me joy lol. little animal.#anyeay sorry guys for the insanity sometimes it controls me like a puppet to commit crimes and heavy headcanoning
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Memories
Old man Fiddlestan, my beloved-and what's this? It could be semi-canon compliant :O ?!?! Woof- this is one of the saddest things I have ever written. I know some of you gremlins (affectionate) love that sort of thing, but I don't. I like really really don't. This is my comfort ship, so I don't even know where this came from other than trying to figure out how they *could* work in canon. Truthfully though, I prefer my Fiddlestan heavy on the comfort when it comes to the "hurt/comfort" genre. This is my only “angsty” (i.e. no immediate happy ending) Notes-app fics, so don't get used to this level of sad from me lol.
“Stan?” an oddly familiar voice called. Mr. Mystery, Stan Pines, glanced up from the flyers he was organizing and found that Old Man McGucket stood in the doorway of his front door. The last tour of the day had just left, it was dinnertime, and he was exhausted. Stan rolled his eyes as he unfurled his tie, wishing Soos was still there to escort the crazy old man off his property. No matter what he did, the old hillbilly always managed to find his way back to the Shack. “Sweet Moses McSuckit, what are you doing in here? Shoo, scat, or whateva will get rid of ya.” Hearing no movement, he looked at the man again and found he was standing erect. His blue eyes were the clearest he had seen them in no less than a decade.
Wait, what did he call- oh. Oh no.
“Stan…ley? Did I…did I do somethin’ wrong?” the other man asked, his hands twisted in knots in front of him. Memories flashed through Stan’s mind; Ford falling through the portal, Fiddleford finding him passed out in the lab, working together to bring Ford home again…being together. Being happy. They had been happy, if just for a little while, hadn’t they?
Then there was the cult, and his discovery of the damn memory gun that had finally ruined everything they ever built. He took a hesitant step forward, a thousand thoughts roaring in his mind at once. “Fidds? Wha-what do you remember?” A bandaged hand snaked up and rubbed over the faded scar on the side of his head “I…don’t rightly know. Did we…I think we had a fight? I just woke up in the…in the dump. N’ I don’t have any shoes. Do ya know why my arm is in a cast?” Fiddleford looked so lost.
Stan knew in his heart that all of this was fleeting- “clarity” would hit Fiddleford every few years after he had finally wiped his mind of himself. Almost like his brain was trying to jumpstart itself back together. The first time they thought it was a miracle but…it didn’t last. It just started a trend that would follow them both for the next almost thirty years. Fiddleford would seemingly “wake up” and be lucid for a few weeks in the beginning, then eventually only a matter of days. It had been so long since the last time that Stan would wager, they only had maybe a few hours together if he was lucky.
The last time Fiddleford was himself…they had fought. Stanley thought he had figured the only way Fiddleford could stay; he needed to remember. Remember everything he had ever forgotten. At the time, Fiddleford had been unwilling to try. He didn’t think he could handle it; he knew he had forgotten what he had for a reason.
Stanley had gotten as close to begging as he ever had in his life since surviving Tijuanna, and when it had no effect…Stanley had told Fiddleford to leave and never come back. He had left that night, and by the next day he had faded away again. After a while, Stan thought his last words had been the final nail in the coffin that was Fiddleford’s mind. He carried that weight along with every other mistake he had ever made. But here he was. Fiddleford. His Fiddleford.
He took a deep breath before he opened his arms up. “Hey, don’t worry, it doesn’t matter. I’m right here.” Fiddleford rushed through the doorway, melting into Stanley’s open arms. “I went away again, didn’t I?” Stan could feel Fiddleford’s tears soaking into his chest, his own whispering at the edges of his eyes. Yes, and you will leave again. You will leave me and I will be alone all over again, you fucking asshole. “Hey cowboy, didn’t I just say not t’ worry about any a’ that? You’re here now, n' that’s what matters. You’re…you’re home.” A haggard laugh vibrated through the smaller man’s chest into Stanley’s own. “I know I keep tellin’ ya, tellin’ me not t’ worry is like” “…tellin’ a fish t’ stop swimmin’; I know Fidds, I know.” Fuck was really the only conscious thought that went through his head as he held his one-time lover. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, again.
Fiddleford looked up, eyes wide and searching Stan’s face. “How long do ya think we have?” Stan shook his head, unwilling to lie even if it eventually wouldn’t matter because he wouldn’t remember. You’ve always been the only person I couldn’t lie to. “I dunno, it’s been…a while. Probably not very long.” Fiddleford closed his eyes before he said “I need ya t’ know somethin’, Stanley.” Stan started to shake his head. “Fidds, you don’t have t-” The look on the other man’s face shut Stan right up-he had always had that ability. Stan wished he didn’t miss it as much as he did. “I need ya to know that even when I’m not here…I miss you. The part of me that’s somewhere in here-” A weathered hand tapped the side of his head to emphasize his point “ misses you. I’m just so sorry, Stanley. Sorry that I’m a coward. I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to be here all the time…but I’ll never stop tryin’. I’ll always try n’ come home to ya.”
Stan thought of the thousands of times he had chased Old Man McGucket, the neat little character that Stan had to compartmentalize his Fiddleford into when he wasn’t himself, out of the Shack. How many times he had found him curled up like a cat on the back porch. How every time they “met”, McGucket would say how nice Stan was or how good he felt to be around him “for some reason.” How many odds and ends McGucket would gift Stan from the dump for exhibits at the Mystery Shack with a large smile and nothing substantial behind his eyes.
It would be so much easier if he would stop trying to come back. Maybe the hole in Stan’s heart the size of the sweet, certifiably insane man would scab over. How many times had Stanley mourned him? How many times was he willing to hurt himself? They were now nearing their sixties, how long was he really willing to do this song and dance?
What’s one more time? he softly thought, his hand coming up to tenderly cup the grizzled face of Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. Mad scientist, friend, and unfortunately for them both…the love of his life.
“I miss you too, Fidds.”
#bbuzz28#my writing#fiddlestan#stanley pines#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#if anyone ever wants to expand on this idea please feel free to-bc I think its an interesting concept overall#I simply do not have the heart to write something so very sad LOL#also something I couldn't think of how to do justice was Tate in all of this#because like-Tate knows *something* is between his father and Stan#I had a line that was like 'The wide berth he gave Tate McGucket whenever they were in the same vicinity. The weight of similar eyes#to his father never leaving him whenever they were found to be in the same place always feeling heavy.'#but I couldn't figure out how to make it really fit in a quick lil one shot#and Tate deserves more than that#bc don't forget Tate is *literally* the only thing that holds Fidds mind together at any given time in any just about any timeline :')#but yeah the idea of canon Fiddlestan is actually incredibly sad bc either its this or Fidds wiped Stan's memory of him#which I recognize *is* a trope...but that just makes me so v sad.#I know people explore fiction in ways to help them feel bigger feelings- but I just want them to be happy#maybe that's naive but its my truth#alright-that's enough yapping in the tags#again if anyone wants to expand on this feel free and send me a link :)
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this old world may never change and sometimes i wonder: do you ever think of me?
#my art#ok to rb#christopher moltisanti#when that wizard cursed me and i felt indebted to his soul#sketchbook tour#sopranos#sopranos fanart#christopher your violent delights will undoubtedly have violent ends (are they even your delights to begin with?)#these are like 6 mo old now. at least the first two#i could prob make these look better if i edited them for longer but i cant be fucked. only uploading these now bc i figured if its been 6#months i probably wont ever go scan these with the heavy duty 800 dpi scanner. this works good enough#i dont really draw like this anymore it got really exhausting#i miss watching sopranos so bad i felt like i was feasting on it for days every time i watched an episode. took so long for me to watch#bc anything that makes me feel that high couldnt be good for me. had to space the episodes out by a few days
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Big cat
#ft my poorly drawn monstera leaves for vibe#I was thinking abt shinx and luxray like. I know theyre supposed to be lions but I feel like cheetah or serval would work well too#like with electricity and stuff. wouldnt speed and agility make more sense for an electric type? esp a cat shaped electric type?#maybe it would be ok for luxray to be heavy built because itd be really big by then. but I thought hey it would be cool if its preevolutions#could focus on speed for escaping. escaping and hunting yknow#maybe this is just because I watched a cheetah documentary last night and thought they were cool#I also have a hc that luxray can charge up electricity and make its whole body glow like an x ray#like you can see it’s bones through the blue parts of skin. either as a threat display or courtship#the shinier and bluer the fur is the better you can see the bones. which would mean its feeding itself well#but Im not a biology expert Im just using what I learned from birds LOL#so sososo normal abt luxray line (is my favorite pokemon)#my art#myart#pokemon#illustration#shinx#Luxio#luxray#luxray line
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firefight animatic for my lovely friend @remedyturtles [Spoilers up until Chapter 9]
unfortunately the last chunk of frames are incomplete and will likely remain that way as i have hit a massive mental brick wall -- probably an ugly mix of depression and burnout -- but I wanted to share my vision, so I edited what I had
Song Used: Dancing After Death by Matt Maeson
wish I had more to say but im dead on the floor,, sorry
#sad•leonart#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt#firefight au#animatic#rise leo#rottmnt leo#rise donnie#rottmnt donnie#disaster twins#rise disaster twins#rottmnt disaster twins#really wish i coulda finished it but im on the urge of deleteing everything i've made ever so.. yeah#if you havent read firefight and can handle heavy whump and cliffhangers please read it#its amazing and rem is still like the best author ever#this song fucking kills me everytime i listen to it#especially that last part#... anyways#o7
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GOOD AFTERNOON!! TODAYS UNI SKETCH IS : a redraw/study/doodle/whateva you wanna call it of this very dapper image of Picard and Data!! first time drawing Picard so I struggled a lil but otherwise I had so much fun drawing Data! :Pc og pic under the cut!

picard you smoke too tough... your swag too different ...
#churro art#my art#digital art#illustration#fanart#star trek#star trek the next generation#star trek tng#jean luc picard#captain picard#picard#data soong#YKNOW FOR THE FIRST TIME DRAIWNG PICARD I ACTUALLY DONT HATE HOW HE LOOKS!!! AHAHA#granted ill prob change my mind when i draw him again and look back on this but SSHSHHS FRO NOW ITS GOOD#AGHHHH i worked on this all throughout my classes bro LOLLL#from 7 am till 2 pm these two were being sketched away at...#no not really this probably took like 2 hours elapsed time i just had a heavy day today so. thats why HSHJASHJKAS#so many homeworks... so little time to take little naps and watch silly space show...#ALSO its my second time drawing Data and even though this is just a doodle im so happy with how his face came out!!!! GRAH 😭😭😭#the best way to draw a smile that didnt look too ooc was to just mimic the rankin bass smiles#u know the ones the little :3#ANYWAYS I GTG GOODBYE MORE CLASSES AGH#gotta draw more data
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pairing: narumi gen x gn!reader (no prns)
summary: he's always thought that anyone would do if he just wanted to find love but he realizes you're the one he wishes for, inspired by pop song by yonezu kenshi
warnings: some profanities from narumi
wc: 1300
Narumi Gen hated a lot of things, but one of his least favourites of all time was "true love". He despised when people would describe their love for another as "true love". It couldn't possibly be that serious. Just say you loved your partner. That was probably the extent feelings got to anyways— you just so happened to like each other at the same time. To him that was plenty of a feat alone, why would you have to make it sound like more than it is? For the sake of love? Ridiculous.
To him, that was truly all love was. If there was someone who liked him when he happened to like them too, that was enough. No need for years of pining, no need to get attached to some unrequited love. All that noise about love and destiny surely wasn't all that necessary.
Now, this wasn't to say that he didn't wish to find love— because he did. Like any other person, he truly wished to be loved. It was just that what he had in mind wasn't some deep pure love that'd last forever, nor was it a promise for eternity. He just wished for a light-hearted "I love you" here and there with someone he found special.
And for that, anyone would do. He'd find someone who fancied him along the way, and hopefully he'd like them back. That was all there was to it.
This meant his plan for finding his partner was sitting around and waiting. As horribly lame as that sounded, because he was Narumi Gen, this wasn't that hopeless of a plan. So, that's what he did. He'd go around saving people and doing his duties (to the absolute bare minimum) while making sure he was constantly trending, hoping that one day, someone would like him.
Today he was standing around for a solid five extra minutes after he defeated the honju with ease, hoping the media would snap some nice pictures of him, or he'd finally charm someone this time.
"Captain, you ought to stop that," you said. "It's rather embarrassing, you look desperate now."
"Oh, would you shut up," he said. "You're ruining my good name!"
You snorted. "What good name," you scoffed.
"I'm starting to think its your fault I'm not charming anyone. Perhaps if you didn't stop me every time, someone would have found me by now," he said.
"Yeah, right. Captain Ashiro seems to be having no issues charming people and I've never seen her try to," you said.
"You little shit," he said.
"Besides they're going to be utterly disappointed if they think this is what you're like and then they find out what you're… actually like," you said, and he was starting to think you wanted him to fire you. "It's okay. Someone will see how you're actually lovely at times soon."
"What?" he asked, shocked by what you said.
"What?" you replied, confused.
"You— you said lovely," he said quietly. Suddenly he felt flustered.
"Oh," you said, looking away and avoiding eye contact. It wasn't like you didn't mean to say that, but you didn't think it was that big of a deal. Rather, how flustered he sounded took you by surprise. “Well, you’re a little lame but you’re a good guy. Like you pretend you only do it for the media, but I know you’re always checking the alleyways that don’t have as much surveillance just in case, and checking alleyways isn’t something a captain has to do. And we both know the media isn’t writing about anything you do there. Things like that.”
“You never know!” he said, and you snorted.
“Alright then,” you said. “You do you, Captain.”
“I will!” he said back, trying to sound proud.
A week had passed and here he was, doing what he always did after arriving fashionably late to the scene and taking all the kaiju out in a matter of minutes: standing around trying to look good. Because he wanted love, and anyone would do. Anyone who liked him was supposed to do.
...
And yet he wished for you.
He wished that when he woke up, the first thing he would see was you. He wished that you'd smile at him everyday with love and genuine joy the way you did to others, and he wished that you’d smile that way to him alone. He wished that after a long day, he was the one you came home to. He wished from the bottom of his heart that you would always be safe and no harm would ever come your way. He wished that your days were filled with laughter and smiles and he knew he would risk his life to protect that.
It was so unlike him in a way he absolutely hated. True love was supposed to be nonsense and someone being ‘the one’ was supposed to be some dramatic line in a movie. It upset him, that he was so utterly fond of you. Yet, no matter how much it upset him, it didn't change the fact that he was, and he couldn't deny it anymore after trying to ignore it for the full week.
So here he was, acting stupid again, hoping that you’d scold him again or tell him he’s embarrassing himself, because that’s what it’s come down to. He just wanted another reason to talk to you.
But you wouldn’t come to stop him after 10 whole minutes.
“Why aren’t you stopping me?” he asked, irritated.
“Pardon?” you asked, utterly confused.
“Why aren’t you telling me to stop?” he asked again. He was aware how silly he sounded, but he was pissed off that you meant so much to him so he had to take it out on you.
“Because you told me to stop last time??” you replied. “I thought you were going to keep this up until you found yourself a partner.”
“You’re the one who told me to find someone that saw how I was…. lovely…. at times,” he said, but said the lovely very quietly. Remembering that you had described him as lovely made his cheeks burn and he’d rather die than let you see that.
“I mean, yeah. I do think you should,” you said.
“Don’t you notice, though?” he asked quietly, avoiding eye contact. There was a moment of silence.
“I do,” you said, and immediately he looked up to face you. You had a grin on your face and you looked so proud— you looked like you had won a game. Oh, how he hated you.
“You’re so annoying,” he said, and you raised an eyebrow.
“Rich coming from you,” you said.
“So, do you—,” he started to yell before cutting himself off. Carefully, he tried again. “Would you please… uh… be mine…?”
Oh, this is so embarrassing, he thought. Perhaps you’d laugh at him, but he wanted to do this properly, or at the very least try to. He’d be far more than just stupid to mess this up now. He was finally in love.
But your laughter never came. When he looked up your eyes were wide and you looked so flustered, but soon you had the most beautiful smile on your face.
“I would absolutely love to,” you said.
So he kissed you right then and there, because there was nothing he wanted to do more at the moment.
He laughed a little.
“What’s wrong?” you asked.
“No, nothing,” he said.
There was no way just anyone would do— it had to be you.
#narumi gen x reader#gen x reader#gen narumi x reader#narumi gen#kn8 x reader#kaiju no. 8 x reader#i do not know#i really do not know#i dont know if its ooc... i dont know if it turned out ok...#i do know it strayed away from pop song and i also know i didnt do pop song justice#this actually started rather differently but here we are i think this is still closer to pop song than i originally was#NOT THAT ANYONE WAS FORCING ME TO STICK TO POP SONG#i just think im very. augh. bc its so dialogue heavy and i think the dialogue i write after like 4 lines goes no where other than DOWNHILL#maybe the endings the issue. might try to fix the ending#augh. i hope it is alright#sorry narumi stans#ok perhaps the ending is a tad bit better now#idk IDK it is okay im MOVING ON#THANK U FOR READING THOUGH OMG I DIDN'T SAY TY FOR READING#I REALLY AM SO THANKFUL IF YOU READ IT AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED !!!
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Goofy little ACM doodle :)
#I love drawing this guy#He's so fun#And I havent been drawing him as much as I used to#I'd love to change that- alas- motivation is hard to come by#and other interests have been at the forefront of my mind as of late#cough cough its always sunny cough cough the great gatsby cough cough#But hey that's alright#Im learning to let myself be ok with finding new interests#And i'm learning to be ok with posting stuff that I want to rather than what I think other people want#We're getting there#Anyways i really like this brush#its the procreate HB brush and I fuck with it heavy#spies are forever#saf#tin can bros#tin can brothers#tcb saf#saf tcb#spies are forever fanart#curt mega#agent curt mega#my art
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how's cole's poster going? i haven't see you draw him recently, so i'm pretty excited to see how you design him (^.^)
I think I posted a sketch not long ago on twitter, I had do re-do all of the designs because I really didn't like how the hair was at first, and took me a while to get it where I wanted. Right now I'm stuck on the Possesion - Day of the Departed era, because I really want that part in specific to look good since it's a character development for him. I'm ngl it's really hard to get on the mindset of drawing these lol, probably will get to it next weekend because of Brazilian Carnaval lasts 5 days, so I can work on it without issue, I think that's what I did last year too.
#ask#I KNOW ITS TAKING FOREVER#cries#I keep getting distracted#no fr I'll get done with my university work and focus on this during carnaval#I gotta lock in fr#estimate either next month or start of april#The og 4 have SO many different clothes man#god know what I'll do once I get to Jay#I'm also concern on how Krita will handle the file#since paint tool sai I remember that at some point the thing would start tweaking out lol#also it's really funny on how for each of them I had to like resize because the original was heavy#in tumblr and even twitter#I think only reddit has the full res one#I forgot rather they had a limit of mb#did you know tumblr mb limit is only 40mb? I certainly do
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Hello Skulduggery Pleasant fandom. I just read book 8, and I am coping through memes (/silly)
Obvs warning for (heavy) spoilers!








#skulduggery pleasant#LSODM#Last Stand of Dead Men#LSODM Spoilers#Skulduggery Pleasant spoilers#Aries posts#spoiler warning#These are like. very spoiler heavy and I'm so worried I'm not tagging enough skjhdfkjf#RIP Anton and Ghastly. Got content of two of my fav characters and what was the cost? 😭#I really loved this book though. Its like my fav out of the series so far.
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An Open Letter to Dan and Phil
Dear beloved nerds,
This was originally going to be an (even longer) actual letter that I was going to give to you at the tour, but my nonprofit-employed ass can’t afford a meet and greet, so we’re doing this instead. I promise it’s not just trauma dumping— mostly, it’s about saying thank you and trying to cultivate some hope for all of us.
I’ve been a big fan since around 2014, when I was a mentally ill neurotic deeply repressed loner egg (average phannie, let's be honest). Now I’m a whole adult who got therapy and HRT and has joined the legions of transmascs with the Dan Howell haircut! What a legacy.
I’m making jokes because the thing I actually want to talk about, and the reason I decided to make this an open letter, is kind of serious. But in light of the election, I feel like I need to share this, both with you and with all the other queers in this little corner of the internet.
Here’s the gist: I’m a paralegal at a non-profit organization that works to help queer migrants get asylum. Mostly what I do is sit them down in our nasty sterile office and try to be kind, and help them get through telling me all the most terrible things that have happened to them, and then turn around and pare it all down into legalese that is digestible to the government to make the case they should get asylum.
It’s a horrible job, really, and one that shouldn’t have to exist. Some parts are plainly wonderful, like meeting so many queer people from all walks of life. But it’s also heartrending and difficult, and burnout is always looming. My horrible banal work is often literally a matter of life and death for the client, and I’m fighting a broken system for a chance at giving them the happiness and safety is owed to them by international law and, really, by any decent human standard, should never have been in question.
The thing is—and this is reason to hope—queer people really do exist everywhere, no matter how much repression and violence we face. In a tiny village in Colombia, there's a kid who’s all spit and vinegar, dresses like a boy and plays football and fights anyone who says that they can’t, who grows up wiry and gets black eyes because men still can’t handle getting their asses handed to them on the soccer field by a dyke. This client texts me at my work number sometimes to ask if I’ve eaten that day, because they wanted to check in on me. He asked me to call him by a boy’s name, recently. I don’t know that he’s told anyone else. I open every message I send him with "Hola, James."
Then there’s the sweet, babyfaced college freshman who got death threats when he was outed to his classmates back home, and whose parents kicked him out when he refused to marry a girl to protect the family's reputation, leaving him alone in a foreign country. He was couch surfing and just trying not to miss class so he could keep his student status and he was so conscientious I wanted to cry— he’s eighteen, guys. Eighteen. I’ll get him his papers or so help me fucking God I will kill for him. You know? You know. After that meeting I had to sit at my desk with my notebook and fill an entire blank page with the phrase “he’s just a kid,” over and over again, until I felt like I could breathe.
On a Friday morning recently I get up and open my laptop to interpret on a call with a soft-spoken older trans woman who's sat in the bleak phone room of the ICE detention facility because her immigration judge didn’t believe that she was really transgender. “An odor of mendacity pervades everything the respondent says,” the judge wrote in her ruling, where she determined the client wasn't "credible." To this day I’m still floored that she straight up ripped off Tennessee Williams—new frontiers in bigotry, truly. She didn’t even cite. In our meeting now, the client quietly tells us how hard it was when she came out but how happy she was the first time she wore makeup, and she'd rather stay in detention here for indeterminate years as proceedings spiral on than go back to Guatemala, where they'll kill her—boys, if I ever get within spitting distance of this fuckass judge, it is on SIGHT. Absolutely fucking ON SIGHT. For legal purposes, that was a JOKE.
So I finish the call and get up to get a snack. It’s only ten am but feel tired already because I’m angry, which is not unusual but also not something I want to hold onto, because it doesn't help anything. So I make some toast and look at my phone— two texts, which I ignore, a spam email, and, wouldn't you know it, a YouTube notification from Dan and Phil games! Jarring! That’s just sort of how life is though, isn’t it? Deathly serious and lighthearted in the same breath.
But regardless, seeing the notification makes me feel warm, so I have my toast and watch a little video of you two playing Roblox or dress up or whatever it is you do on that channel these days. I have a good giggle and I finish my toast and go back to my desk. It’s a crucial part of my diet really— the giggles, not the toast. I’m not angry anymore. I’ll be angry again, but for now my cortisol levels are manageable and I can put my head back into emails or whatever the fuck. Do you ever think about how plants make food for free out of sunlight but we sit around writing emails all day? And that’s if we’re lucky. Capitalism is hell.
Anyway, there is a point I am trying to make, and it’s not really about the banal horrors of neoliberal nation-state or capitalism or even homophobia. It’s to say thank you for coming back to make silly videos together, because I love them, and you never fail to make me happy. And yeah, maybe something about the story of that scared eighteen-year-old kid at the front of my mind makes it particularly sweet to watch you two goofing off and being openly queer. It reminds me why I’m doing what I’m doing, and it gives me the strength to send another fucking email because sometimes doing “important work that I value and believe in deeply” means having to send another fucking email. And sometimes I’ll rewatch your older videos, and then come back to the more recent ones, and my heart bruises, because you remind me what I’m fighting for and why. It’s nothing grandiose, it’s just— for queer people to get to have the ability to grow into themselves and be outrageous and silly and make mistakes and to love and be loved for who they are. To have the safety and support and security that no one should ever go without. That’s all.
So I am being dead serious when I say thank you for making top-tier light entertainment, and for coming back to a job that wasn’t always kind to you, and that it does actually matter. All this talk about terrible influences and legacies has made me think that sometimes you doubt whether you do good in the world, so let me be clear: you really, really do. I kind of get the sense that in order to accept sincerity Dan needs to be beat over the head with it, so if that’s the case, consider yourself coerced, you dickhead. You matter to me, and especially in times like these, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the joy you share is a precious and treasured gift. So please accept my gratitude in return.
All my love,
Jules
(I removed or changed all identifying information in this letter to protect privacy, but the stories are real).
#tldr: dnps queer joy helps me stay afloat and avoid burnout while trying to help other queer people#and its essential like food and water#I would love if people would consider circulating this because it's also a sentiment I want to share with the whole community really#though it's a bit heavy so I understand if you don't feel up for that.#I genuinely get so much joy out of being a weird freak online with all you guys#and im glad these spaces have helped me accept myself#and helped me survive#and i know i'm not the only one#dan and phil#dan howell#phan#phil lester#dnp#i wonder if dan and phil know that whenever my friends are feeling down i send them the wiggly line emoji#org#open letter
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