#I genuinely get so much joy out of being a weird freak online with all you guys

[plant-ago]

An Open Letter to Dan and Phil

Dear beloved nerds,

This was originally going to be an (even longer) actual letter that I was going to give to you at the tour, but my nonprofit-employed ass can’t afford a meet and greet, so we’re doing this instead. I promise it’s not just trauma dumping— mostly, it’s about saying thank you and trying to cultivate some hope for all of us.

I’ve been a big fan since around 2014, when I was a mentally ill neurotic deeply repressed loner egg (average phannie, let's be honest). Now I’m a whole adult who got therapy and HRT and has joined the legions of transmascs with the Dan Howell haircut! What a legacy.

I’m making jokes because the thing I actually want to talk about, and the reason I decided to make this an open letter, is kind of serious. But in light of the election, I feel like I need to share this, both with you and with all the other queers in this little corner of the internet.

Here’s the gist: I’m a paralegal at a non-profit organization that works to help queer migrants get asylum. Mostly what I do is sit them down in our nasty sterile office and try to be kind, and help them get through telling me all the most terrible things that have happened to them, and then turn around and pare it all down into legalese that is digestible to the government to make the case they should get asylum.

It’s a horrible job, really, and one that shouldn’t have to exist. Some parts are plainly wonderful, like meeting so many queer people from all walks of life. But it’s also heartrending and difficult, and burnout is always looming. My horrible banal work is often literally a matter of life and death for the client, and I’m fighting a broken system for a chance at giving them the happiness and safety is owed to them by international law and, really, by any decent human standard, should never have been in question.

The thing is—and this is reason to hope—queer people really do exist everywhere, no matter how much repression and violence we face. In a tiny village in Colombia, there's a kid who’s all spit and vinegar, dresses like a boy and plays football and fights anyone who says that they can’t, who grows up wiry and gets black eyes because men still can’t handle getting their asses handed to them on the soccer field by a dyke. This client texts me at my work number sometimes to ask if I’ve eaten that day, because they wanted to check in on me. He asked me to call him by a boy’s name, recently. I don’t know that he’s told anyone else. I open every message I send him with "Hola, James."

Then there’s the sweet, babyfaced college freshman who got death threats when he was outed to his classmates back home, and whose parents kicked him out when he refused to marry a girl to protect the family's reputation, leaving him alone in a foreign country. He was couch surfing and just trying not to miss class so he could keep his student status and he was so conscientious I wanted to cry— he’s eighteen, guys. Eighteen. I’ll get him his papers or so help me fucking God I will kill for him. You know? You know. After that meeting I had to sit at my desk with my notebook and fill an entire blank page with the phrase “he’s just a kid,” over and over again, until I felt like I could breathe.

On a Friday morning recently I get up and open my laptop to interpret on a call with a soft-spoken older trans woman who's sat in the bleak phone room of the ICE detention facility because her immigration judge didn’t believe that she was really transgender. “An odor of mendacity pervades everything the respondent says,” the judge wrote in her ruling, where she determined the client wasn't "credible." To this day I’m still floored that she straight up ripped off Tennessee Williams—new frontiers in bigotry, truly. She didn’t even cite. In our meeting now, the client quietly tells us how hard it was when she came out but how happy she was the first time she wore makeup, and she'd rather stay in detention here for indeterminate years as proceedings spiral on than go back to Guatemala, where they'll kill her—boys, if I ever get within spitting distance of this fuckass judge, it is on SIGHT. Absolutely fucking ON SIGHT. For legal purposes, that was a JOKE.

So I finish the call and get up to get a snack. It’s only ten am but feel tired already because I’m angry, which is not unusual but also not something I want to hold onto, because it doesn't help anything. So I make some toast and look at my phone— two texts, which I ignore, a spam email, and, wouldn't you know it, a YouTube notification from Dan and Phil games! Jarring! That’s just sort of how life is though, isn’t it? Deathly serious and lighthearted in the same breath.

But regardless, seeing the notification makes me feel warm, so I have my toast and watch a little video of you two playing Roblox or dress up or whatever it is you do on that channel these days. I have a good giggle and I finish my toast and go back to my desk. It’s a crucial part of my diet really— the giggles, not the toast. I’m not angry anymore. I’ll be angry again, but for now my cortisol levels are manageable and I can put my head back into emails or whatever the fuck. Do you ever think about how plants make food for free out of sunlight but we sit around writing emails all day? And that’s if we’re lucky. Capitalism is hell.

Anyway, there is a point I am trying to make, and it’s not really about the banal horrors of neoliberal nation-state or capitalism or even homophobia. It’s to say thank you for coming back to make silly videos together, because I love them, and you never fail to make me happy. And yeah, maybe something about the story of that scared eighteen-year-old kid at the front of my mind makes it particularly sweet to watch you two goofing off and being openly queer. It reminds me why I’m doing what I’m doing, and it gives me the strength to send another fucking email because sometimes doing “important work that I value and believe in deeply” means having to send another fucking email. And sometimes I’ll rewatch your older videos, and then come back to the more recent ones, and my heart bruises, because you remind me what I’m fighting for and why. It’s nothing grandiose, it’s just— for queer people to get to have the ability to grow into themselves and be outrageous and silly and make mistakes and to love and be loved for who they are. To have the safety and support and security that no one should ever go without. That’s all.

So I am being dead serious when I say thank you for making top-tier light entertainment, and for coming back to a job that wasn’t always kind to you, and that it does actually matter. All this talk about terrible influences and legacies has made me think that sometimes you doubt whether you do good in the world, so let me be clear: you really, really do. I kind of get the sense that in order to accept sincerity Dan needs to be beat over the head with it, so if that’s the case, consider yourself coerced, you dickhead. You matter to me, and especially in times like these, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the joy you share is a precious and treasured gift. So please accept my gratitude in return.

All my love,

Jules

(I removed or changed all identifying information in this letter to protect privacy, but the stories are real).

[prince-liest]

Not only has 666 become like my favorite fanfic series ever, but it’s helped me learn so much about my own asexuality. Every time you release a new chapter I realize another things about myself and how alastor and I are scarily similar in this. It’s helped me feel kind of seen with me constantly being torn in how I feel about things. I feel less weird and more able to talk about it y’know? The way you write it just clicks for me. You genuinely have made such an impact in how I view sex and myself and I know you’re just like a random person online but thank you so much for your writing 💪

Aw, I'm so glad to hear that! A lot of the process of writing 666 has been similarly an exploration of the various concepts in it for me, so I'm really happy that the topic of aroace sexuality not only feels genuine but also relatable in it. It's kinda funny, because obviously the characters involved are, like, deranged little freaks, but it's because they're deranged little freaks that I'm having so much fun freely writing whatever I want with them, which turned out to leak into feeling very free to write about the aroace aspects as well! Hard to feel self-conscious about writing an ace character when he's also out here, like, eating human flesh and getting electrocuted near to death for the kicks. And all jokes about that aside, the actual acts might be insane, but the underlying emotions are genuine.

So from one random person online to another, thank YOU for reading and I'm really happy to hear that I've brought this bit of joy and introspection to your life! <3

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

Yessssssssssss!!!!!!

we shouldn't be pushing kids and teens away because they are younger, we should be making our communities safe so they can talk to WHOEVER!

we are all looking for community and acceptance, and we shouldn't be pushing away kids for things outside of their control.

because HELLO!??! I was a kid on the internet, and lemme tell you!

IT DOES NOT HELP THE KIDS.

I was forced out of spaces that were safe for me, but not "child appropriate" and left to the literal metaphorical wolves that was the 2000s and 2010s internet.

lemme tell you, someone swearing or fictional violence, sex mentions and sexual topics.

not even that bad, like I want people to know my unofficial rules for the internet have and always will be.

don't trust stuff made for kids

the kids spaces on the internet? who told you they were in anyway SAFE?????????

the safest I ever was when I was a kid on the web was unironically in the sweary-est kinda adult spaces.

because as much as people literally preach "no kids on the internet" there WILL be kids on the internet.

those MINORS DNI banners will not stop kids, age restricting your blog will not stop kids.

they won't, and this is a conversation people aren't willing to have.

but guess whattttt? these kids have already seen horrible things, these kids know half the time what they are getting into, these kids are making well informed decisions half the time to Ignore you said MINORS DNI. because? where else is there?

all kids things on the internet are literally filled with child predators this is not a joke in the slightest this is genuine and I've talked with too many kids for it to be false.

and all the "adult spaces" literally leave them to the WOLVES!!!

like some people aren't ready to hear this, that kids aren't pure bundles of joy, or naive and innocent.

they are just small and young people, they are people with rights and thoughts and opinions just as valuable as anyone!

and again, instead of actually trying to help the problem of gr00mers and child predators in adult spaces. we are slapping a shitty bandaid over the festering bullet hole.

again, and people wonder why so many kids get gr00med and abused!

open you're stupid blogs up to all, kids have seen p0rn, kids have seen gore, they do not care.

and guess what? that aren't "impure" for doing so EITHER!

guess what, all these things people keep saying will "help the kids online" are freaking lying!

they just want to control kids, and make them not look deeper into things. let it be if they are being sexually abused, or if what they saw IRL was real and okay, or if they are disabled, mentally ill, or queer.

instead of making safe communities for all, we are literally letting child predator's get away with everything!

like if someone is being weird to minors? CALL THEM OUT!

if someone has a power imbalance over younger users and is using it? CALL THEM OUT!

these are things that will ACTUALLY HELP

not excluding children for like some stupid reason.

kids don't care or mind dick jokes, kids don't care or mind if your mentally ill or queer, kids do not care if your older.

they care that unlike other people, they perceive you as-

SAFE

so again, there are huge problems and we literally screw over all the kids online.

I will never treat kids like they aren't people, and I will listen to their problems. and people wonder why I'm so for youth liberation???

tbh the culture of adult non-conservatives absolutely refusing to interact with "minors" (unless you are running like. a porn blog) and framing it as a "safety" is so stupid and extremely harmful. human beings need contact with other human beings in different age group. teens shouldnt be isolated to only their parents and other teens.

i understand that a lot of LGBT people are paranoid about being seen as predators but when we buy into that and let our culture be “only predators talk to teens” then the only adult friends teens will make will be with predators. either sexual predators or christian/terf and alt -right type groomers who will indoctrinate teens who might be desperate for validation and attention (which is literally normal and not me being mean. teens are treated like they stupid and evil. idk why people pretend they dont remember this.) into parroting their hateful ideology.

[prodtrouver]

TXT Reacts to your Classmates shipping both of you!

☾︎᯽☽︎ CRUSH AU • FLUFF • MENTIONS OF SHIPPING 2 PEOPLE, SHOVING/PUSHING, TEASING • INSPIRED BY THE SCENARIOS IN MY CLASS' DISCORD CHAT ☾︎᯽☽︎

☁︎ . . . yeonjun

It was all good until you and Yeonjun came into the classroom at the same time, coincidentally.

Your classmates started teasing both of you, happy to see you guys together (not in a couple way though) after all those cute moments in your class group chat.

You got so shy while Yeonjun enjoyed most of it. He laughed before you both went to his seat, talking about your annoying science teacher, oblivious to your classmates taking pictures of both of you.

It was only until you got home and saw the taken pictures.

Whilst you were 'fighting' with a few of your classmates about the pictures, Yeonjun was enjoying every second of it.

He even joined them, just to tease you 💔

You: pls stop taking pictures of us 😭

Yeonjun: idk I think they're cute ;)

Classmates: GET A ROOM SHIP

OTHERS UNDER THE CUT!

☁︎ . . . soobin

Shy Soobin. Just at your gorgeous and wonderous presence, he already gets flustered. The way you're so sweet and nice to everyone warms his heart.

So as soon as you and Soobin started talking in your classroom's groupchat, your classmates were freaking out.

Classmate: SINCE WHEN DID WE HAVE ANOTHER SHIP!?

Soobin would deny then while you kept going, getting some joy and delight in the shipping. Soobin would even send nervous emotes and you would send ones with hearts.

Yeah, you enjoy making Soobin flustered 💔 while his crush on you grew bigger.

Don't even get your classmates started when you and Soobin hang out personally. He is such a shy bunny and you're like his owner ♥️

Please, your classmates will make a Discord channel dedicated for you and Soobin only.

☁︎ . . . beomgyu

He's going to be teasing nonstop. If your classmates sees both of you together and proceeds to cheer for you and Beomgyu, this boy will literally give them service.

He'll pull you closer, lean to your ears or something, just to add more fuel to the fire. You would be so embarrassed.

Although, Beomgyu enjoys teasing you, he makes sure to never cross the line. That's what makes you like him, he respects you and knows of you are uncomfortable.

He's also very caring ♥️ actually, that's how the shipping started, in the classroom's groupchat.

You: I'm in tears, ma'am hates me ;-;

Beomgyu: it's okay, yn! You did great, ma'am was just being a bitch 🙄

Classmates: yieee, new ship new ship 👁️👁️

Beomgyu continues to be caring but a big tease. You're okay with it though, it is Choi Beomgyu.

Who wouldn't be okay with him? 💞

☁︎ . . . taehyun

He'll be very calm, almost like he doesn't give a damn. He's naturally caring and genuinely looks out for you. He shows this in both face to face and online.

He doesn't even hide it and that's how it was so obvious and easy for your classmates to see how much he cares for you 💞

You: I got a paper cut bcs of sir >:(

Taehyun: do you have a bandaid? Make sure to wash it first and wrap it with a bandaid so it won't sting

Classmate: why won't Taehyun talk to me like that 💔 I'm starting to think you're both dating

Not as extra as Beomgyu, but he makes it obvious. He also makes you shy sometimes but mixes it with love.

Of course, you'll both get shy too but he likes seeing you shy, he finds it cute 💘

Because of that, he'll continue being himself and won't stop your classmates from shipping you both. Just because you're cute 💝

☁︎ . . . huening kai

He'll probably be the only member to deny the shipping, even if he does like you. He's thinking you'll be uncomfortable with it.

He does add more fuel to the fire if he sees you doing it too, but if he sees you to tell them to stop, he'll do it too. He'll apologize in DMs when it gets out of hand.

He really cares about how you feel 💔

You: okay that's a weird scenario of me and Kai, stop it

Kai: guys! Yn said stop >:(

You: aw, Kai 🥺

Classmate: how can we stop WHEN YOU'RE BOTH LIKE THAT!? STOP ACTING LIKE THAT DJENDKRMDKD

Kai does take care of you though, cheers you up when down, and gives you snacks. He'll also go to you during school breaks and your classmates would witness everything 😭

Oftentimes, you both don't give a damn and pay attention on each other.

Other times, you both will get shy but lowkey enjoys the shipping. (But of course, neither of you will admit that)

Gen. hc taglist: @iminchaosnow @glorybeom @staysstrays @tonightletspretend @at-the-end-of-your-letter

[thinkingaboutyoungroyals]

Lost Boy Chapter 9: The Blue Journal

Summary: When his family moves from San Francisco to the town of Shadyside, T.J. thought his life would change. And it did. He just didn’t think it would come in the form of the ghost of a boy who haunted his new bedroom.

Prologue

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8

@delicatesleeper,@ibroughtachallah,@frenchtohste,@alittletooliteralleah,@tyrusmagocious,@tjskipping, @mirrorslover, @opatrickr, @lesbianrelateddeath, @justkimberley,@burning-hot-pan,@green-lemonboys,@anotherangelfromspace,@thebisexualweirdo,@likelightning-inabottle,@thedampjofangirl, @fizasdr, @awkward-bisexual-alien, @whipashwhipash, @abg-blah,@atthemomentimintothis,@emberofthefrost, @sana-drinks-isklar, @tyrusisobviouslyendgame, @delilahdee00, @lazymarvelfan, @glitch-ditch-canonbitch, @miracufan

A/N: I’m so sorry for the delay! It’s been such a busy week for me! Hopefully, this makes up for it!

..........

“We’re visiting Cyrus this Saturday. Are you free?”

T.J. tried not to look too excited and had to restrain himself from quickly answering Buffy’s inquiry.

He was having breakfast with her, Andi, and Jonah before school. 

(Marty would have joined them too, but he had morning training for track. Libby and Walker were also absent that morning, probably having breakfast with just the two of them somewhere else.)

After getting to know him, T.J. didn’t know anyone else who smiled as much as Jonah did. The boy was like the sun - all bright and warm - and it was a wonder why he hadn’t blinded any of them yet with his dimples and pearly white teeth. 

T.J. could see why Cyrus liked him. And if he felt a little hint of jealousy...Well, he was willing to ignore it because Jonah was just so darn nice.

“Yeah,” T.J. replied. He paused for a moment before asking, “Can I come?”

“Duh! That’s why I asked!” Buffy grinned. “I’m sure his parents would want to meet you since you live in his dad’s house now.”

“Cool. I wanna thank them for the awesome room.”

And the awesome person they raised their son to become, but T.J. kept that to himself.

Andi fiddled with her banana nut muffin. “You think they’re mad at us for not visiting in a long time?” she asked, worriedly.

“I’m sure they’ll understand,” Jonah responded, with a smile as always. “I mean, I would have loved to visit him more but I didn’t want to go alone. And…” He trailed off, his smile fading a little. “It’s kind of hard to see him like that.”

Silence fell upon them. Buffy looked down at her carton of orange juice. Andi continued picking at her muffin. Jonah just sat there, frowning. And T.J. eyed each and every one of them, honing in on the guilt and longing they were exuding.

They really treasured Cyrus. Every mention of him could cause a once jovial atmosphere to drop drastically. It only strengthened his will to do everything he could to bring Cyrus back.

It had been a week since he found out the truth and T.J. did all the research. He went through every paranormal book he could find in the school library’s limited collection and the Shadyside Public Library. He went online, reading through forums and blogs. He even considered consulting an occult witch he found on YouTube but Amber freaked out when he told her and yelled at him until he promised not to.

“So…what are Cyrus’ parents like?” he randomly asked.

The question prompted smiles from his friends (his friends!) as they all chimed in, telling their stories in a fond tone. 

….........

T.J. arrived home that day to find Cyrus sitting cross-legged on his bed, reading one of his books. When he looked closer, the title read “The Two Towers”. Cyrus was a Tolkien fan, too.

He looked up just as T.J. pushed the door shut and beamed. “Welcome home! How was school?”

T.J. tried to ignore the fluttering in his chest and the bubble of joy warming his stomach. It happened often now. Instead, he dropped his backpack by his desk and walked over to the bed.

“It was okay,” he answered, settling down beside the ghost. “Had a math quiz, that wasn’t fun.”

“But, the tutoring helps, right?”

T.J. took a deep breath. “Yeah, I guess. Just wish my brain worked right.”

There was a short, silent pause before the sound of a book shutting close reached his ears. Cyrus had put the book away and scooted closer to him, their arms touching.

“Your brain is working just fine,” he said, gently. “It’s just wired differently. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

T.J. blinked in surprise. 

No one had ever said that to him before. Ever since they found out when he got tested back in Middle School, the shame of his dyscalculia continued to follow him. Sure, his mom and sister were sympathetic, but they were just as lost and clueless about it as he was. Nonetheless, they supported him as much as they could despite his learning disability. 

But, he was never told that his brain was just fine… that there was nothing wrong with him.

“Thanks,” he managed, smiling. “So, what did you do today?”

“Oh! I went to the park for a bit! It was a nice day and the ducks were out! Then, I came back here and immersed myself in the magical world of Middle Earth.”

“Sounds like you had a relaxing day.”

Cyrus shrugged. “Yeah, well, nothing much for me to do, really.”

Right. Because he was a ghost.

T.J. cleared his throat. “Hey, so, Buffy told me that they’re visiting you at the hospital this Saturday.”

Cyrus’ eyes sparkled. “Really? That’s so sweet of them!”

“And… they asked me to go with them.” T.J. hesitated before asking, “Is that okay with you?”

“Of course! Why wouldn’t it be? And you might meet my parents! All four of them! This is so exciting!”

Cyrus’ hands were excitedly flailing about the place. The boy was practically vibrating in his seat.

T.J. had to hold back a chuckle. “Yeah, about that… is there… anything you’d like me to pass on to your parents? Any messages?”

“Oh, I haven’t thought about that.” Cyrus pursed his lips in thought. “Well… you know, one of my regrets was not coming out to them. I wish they knew the full truth about me.”

T.J. knew the feeling. He had come out to Amber first when he was 12 and she supported him when he decided to come out to their mom a year later. It was like a giant weight off his chest. Now, if only he could tell her about this other ability. It felt more daunting than simply telling his mom that he was gay.

“Oh. Well, do you want me to say something?” he asked. “It might be a little tricky ‘cause Andi and Buffy don’t know that I know. And I don’t want to make it seem like I’m outing you, you know. Technically, you’re still alive-.”

“Brain dead.”

“But, they see you as alive.”

Cyrus frowned at him before simply sighing and shaking his head. Then, his eyes widened.

“Wait… there is a way. That box in the closet still has my journal.”

“You kept a diary?” T.J.’s eyebrow raised.

“Journal!” Cyrus huffed. “It’s where I wrote my most inner thoughts and feelings to help me cope. And… I also wrote a lot about questioning my sexuality and finally admitting it. You can give them that.”

T.J. pursed his lips. “That could work. Technically, it’s coming from you, right? I can say I found it in my room… your room… our room.”

When Cyrus’ cheeks darkened, T.J. realized what his words implied.

“Oh, you know I didn’t mean-.”

“I know what you meant,” Cyrus chuckled.

Embarrassed and feeling a little red and warm, himself, the blonde took the opportunity to head for the closet. He pried open the loose floorboard and took out Cyrus’ box. The photos were now in Andi and Buffy’s possession but the blue notebook was still there.

He set it down on the floor and sat down cross-legged. He felt Cyrus move next to him as he opened the top. The blue notebook laid there, as if waiting to be revealed once more.

Cyrus reached in, taking a hold of it. He ran his fingers over the cover, looking contemplative, before opening it up. He thumbed through the pages, eyes briefly scanning them before he paused on a page. He stared at it for a moment before passing it over to T.J.

The entry was dated two years ago and in it, Cyrus spoke about meeting Jonah Beck for the first time, describing his hair, eyes, and dimples in detail using huge words that T.J. would never associate anyone using in a diary…. Journal.

And the Jonah-centric entries continued on for several more pages. The more he read, the more T.J.’s stomach churned, and not in a pleasant way.

“You…uh… really like Jonah,” he managed, hoping his voice didn’t give away his slight jealousy.

Cyrus shrugged. “He was my first crush. And the one who made me realize I was gay.” He flashed a pointed look at T.J. “I’m sure you had one.”

T.J. coughed. “Um… yeah.”

Looking intrigued now, Cyrus grinned and wiggles his eyebrows. “Ooohh...Who was it?”

“Uh…” T.J. hesitated.

“Come on, you know about mine. I wanna know about yours, too. Who was it?”

So, they were sharing crushes now like they were in middle school or a Slumber Party or something? What next? Spin the bottle?

Cyrus was vibrating in excitement, genuinely interested in knowing. 

Sighing in defeat, T.J. relented. “He was this guy who used to live in our apartment building back in San Francisco. He was about three years older than me. I met him when I was ten and he taught me how to play basketball. At first, I thought I just saw him like a brother, ‘cause it wasn’t like I had an older brother to compare him to. Then, he introduced his girlfriend to me and I… got mad. He never figured it out, though. Just thought I was being a weird kid.”

His name was Jason and T.J. stopped talking to him after the girlfriend incident.

He had been terrified of his feelings, choosing to ignore them for the longest time, just like how he ignored his abilities.

Cyrus’ little chuckle broke through his thoughts. “Crushes, am I right?” he joked.

T.J.’s lips twitched. “Yeah.” He looked down at the journal again. “Are you sure you want me to give this to your parents?”

“Yeah, they deserve to know.” The ghost followed T.J.’s gaze. “Maybe this is my unfinished business. Can I trust you to get it to them, safely?”

T.J.’s chest twitched, hating the thought of Cyrus moving on. But, he looked so hopeful. He wanted to do this. And, he did promise to help Cyrus. He would never go back on his word. 

Reaching out, T.J. took hold of the other boy’s cold hand and squeezed it. “You can count on me, Ghost Boy.”

Cyrus squeezed his hand back. “Thanks, Sixth Sense.”

……...

Although the wait felt long and excruciating, Saturday finally rolled around.

After lunch, T.J. had gotten dressed in his nicest hoodie, stuffed Cyrus’ journal into his backpack, and bid his mom and sister goodbye before heading out to meet Andi and the others at The Red Rooster. From there, they would take the bus to Shadyside Memorial Hospital.

Strangely, Cyrus was nowhere to be seen all morning. It kind of saddened T.J. as he left the house but, nonetheless, he ventured on. He had a mission to do, after all.

As he walked, headphones on, a sudden presence behind him made the hair on his arms stand up. But, he tried not to let his panic show.

“Hey,” a voice broke through the classic rock playing in his ears.

To his relief, the voice was familiar. He felt himself relax as Cyrus glided up next to him.

“What are you doing here?” T.J. asked in a low tone as he subtly turned off the music. “Not that I’m not happy to see you but I haven’t seen you all day.”

“I just needed some alone time to think.” Cyrus stared off into the distance. “And I realized that I’ve been avoiding seeing Andi and Buffy because I couldn’t bear to see them mad at each other. But, now that they’re getting along again, and Jonah, too, I want to see them. And… I want to see how my parents react when they read my journal.”

T.J. felt his stomach churn. “Do you really think that’s your unfinished business? For your parents to know?”

He wasn’t sure about this mission, anymore.

Cyrus shrugged. “I don’t know. But, it’s something that I know I have to do. For my own peace of mind and theirs.”

Well, T.J. couldn’t argue with that. So, he simply nodded and silently continued on his way. Cyrus was uncharacteristically silent and he realized that the ghost didn’t talk for T.J.’s own benefit. There were a lot of people out and about and even if he could pretend to talk on the phone, a serious conversation such as theirs was best done in private.

As he got closer to The Red Rooster, he easily spotted Buffy’s curls, Andi’s colorful headband, and Jonah’s dimples. Clutched in Andi’s hands was a bouquet of white and purple flowers.

He bounded over to them. “Hey! Am I late?”

“Only by about five minutes,” Buffy replied, teasingly. “Don’t worry, we can still make the bus.”

“Hi, guys,” Cyrus said, smiling sadly at his friends who couldn’t see him. “I miss you.”

No one caught the way T.J.’s face fell at that, eager the others were to get going.

The bus ride took about fifteen minutes and another minute or two walk from the bus stop. T.J. followed the three as they made their way inside the hospital. They gave their names to the receptionist and the reason for their visit before they were given passes. Then, they took the elevator up to the 4th floor.

All the while, Cyrus glided quietly behind them.

They found the room and Buffy knocked on the door. It opened seconds later by a woman who smiled when she saw them.

“Girls!” she exclaimed, joyfully.

She opened her arms and Andi and Buffy fell into them as she wrapped them in a hug. Then, she spotted Jonah and gave him a hug, too. When her eyes fell on T.J., he nervously straightened his back, immediately.

“Hi, Mrs. Goodman,” he greeted. “I’m T.J. Kippen.”

“He’s the one I told you about,” Buffy explained. “The one who moved into Mr. Goodman’s old house.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.” She extended a hand to him. “I’m Leslie. It’s so nice to meet you, T.J.”

T.J. politely accepted her handshake. “You, too.”

Leslie stepped aside. “Come on in. I’m watching him this afternoon but Sharon is coming by later.” She turned to T.J. “Sharon is Cyrus’ father’s wife. They owned the house you live in now but they had to sell it when it was clear that Cyrus…” Her voice began to break. “Can’t wake up yet.”

She sounded hopeful, but there was a strain behind that hope.

Across the room, Cyrus had reappeared and was watching them. 

T.J. paused by the door, his eyes immediately falling on the bed and the figure surrounded by machines that made faint beeping sounds. He had various tubes and wires connected to him, the hospital blanket tucked neatly and lovingly over the lower half of his body.

Cyrus.

Buffy was the first to reach the comatosed boy, her hand immediately reaching out to hold his unmoving hand as she settled on the empty chair beside the bed.

“Hey, Cy,” she said, softly. “It’s Buffy. It’s been a while, huh?”

T.J. had never heard Buffy sound so soft and… vulnerable.

“Sorry we haven’t come by to see you. It’s just been… difficult. But, we’re here now. All of us. Andi, Jonah, and I. And, we brought a friend.”

She turned to T.J., who suddenly had everyone’s eyes on him.

Nervously, he moved closer and cleared his throat. “Uh… hey, Cyrus. I’m T.J. It’s nice to meet you.”

Ghost Cyrus chuckled. “It’s nice to meet you, too, T.J.,” he piped, cheekily.

T.J.’s lip twitched, holding back his laughter lest he offended the others in the room.

But, they all smiled and the tension in the room appeared to dissipate.

It shocked T.J. to the core to see Cyrus’ body. His real, breathing, still body. 

The boy was pale, his cheeks gaunt and not quite as prominent, and he looked... broken. Not like the bright version of Cyrus he had gotten to know. He was almost a perfect twin of the ghost standing in the corner. 

And T.J.’s heart ached at seeing all the wires attached to him and the tube stuck down his throat. He didn’t like seeing his friend like this. He wanted him to wake up… to open those pretty brown eyes filled with life and look at T.J.

He would do everything he could to make that happen.

Andi placed her bouquet on Cyrus’ bedside before sidling up next to Buffy.

“Hey, Cy. I made you something.” She produced a colorful threaded bracelet from her pocket and wrapped it around the boy’s thin wrist, next to the plastic hospital bracelet. “Giving you a little color, okay? So when you wake up, you’ll know that we were here.” Her lower lip trembled and her voice got softer. “We’re still waiting for you.”

“Yeah, CyGuy.” Jonah moved to Cyrus’ other side. “So, you gotta wake up soon, okay? Remember? I promised to help you perfect your skateboarding. I know the last time didn’t go so well, but we’ll do it right, this time. Okay?” His breath hitched. “Okay, Cy?”

T.J. couldn’t move. He wanted to. But, every muscle of his was frozen as his friends spoke to Cyrus while Cyrus’ ghost fondly but sadly watched them in the corner.  

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned his head to see Cyrus’ mother smiling kindly at him.

“Why don’t you take a seat, T.J.?” she told him, gesturing to the loveseat opposite the bed.

T.J. accepted the offer, removing his backpack and placing it on the floor.

It wasn’t the right time to give Cyrus’ mom the journal. He would have to wait.

Cyrus’ ghost settled next to him, smiling. “That’s my mom,” he said, proudly. “She recently cut her hair. It looks nice.”

T.J. could only smile in response but Cyrus didn’t take offense, knowing T.J. couldn’t answer while there were others around.

“What do you think he would say if he was awake right now?” Jonah randomly asked, his gaze still on Cyrus.

“He’d probably pout and get mad that we were gone for so long,” Buffy replied, laughing. “But, he wouldn’t be angry for too long.”

“No, I’d never get mad at you, guys… too much,” ghost Cyrus stated.

“He doesn’t sound like someone who’d be mad at you, guys, too much,” T.J. stated.

Cyrus flashed him a grateful smile as the others laughed.

“That’s so true,” Andi stated, brushing Cyrus’ hair to the side with her fingers. “How is that he still has the same haircut?”

“Oh, I’ve been cutting his hair,” Leslie volunteered the information from her place by the door. “I figured that as soon as he wakes up, he’d prefer to still look like himself. Although…” A smile played on her lips. “He looks older, doesn’t he? And that liquid diet just got rid of all his baby fat.”

“Mom cuts my hair,” Cyrus clarified to T.J.

“That’s really sweet,” T.J. said. “He looks great, Mrs. Goodman.”

The woman beamed at him, a smile so reminiscent of Cyrus. “Thank you, dear.”

“You heard that, Cyrus?” Andi said. “T.J. thinks you look great. So, you should wake up so you can see it, too.”

A moment passed with no one saying anything, only watching Cyrus’ body laying still in hope.

Beside T.J., Cyrus’ ghost sighed.

Leslie broke the silence. “So, kids. How’s school?”

That got everyone talking again, happy at the distraction.

Leslie loved to talk, T.J. learned. He now saw where Cyrus got the trait from. She talked to them about anything – how great the hospital staff was, the antics of her neighbors, and funny childhood stories about Cyrus, Andi, and Buffy.

An hour later, she had led most of the conversations and T.J. had known more information about strangers than he really cared to know. But, at least he got to listen to stories about Cyrus, who looked like he wanted to disappear in embarrassment (he could have if he wanted to and T.J. didn’t know why he stayed).

“We best be going Mrs. Goodman,” said Buffy as everyone got to their feet.

“Thank you for having us,” added Andi.

Leslie nodded and opened her arms to hug everyone. “Thank you all for coming. I hope to see you again. I’m sure Cyrus would like that.”

“We’ll definitely come again,” Jonah promised as pulled away from her hug.

When it was his turn, T.J. hesitated. “You, guys, go ahead. I, uh, have something I need to say to Mrs. Goodman. I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

His friends flashed him curious looks but thankfully, they didn’t ask.

When the door closed, he turned back to the older woman. Cyrus’ ghost stood behind her, nervously wringing his hands. He caught T.J.’s gaze and nodded, giving him the okay.

“Um, Mrs. Goodman… There’s something I need to give you.” With that, he reached into his backpack and pulled out the blue notebook. “I found this in my room. I think it might have been your son’s room so… I figured I’d give it to you.”

Leslie carefully took the notebook, like she was afraid it was going to break if she touched it the wrong way.

T.J. nervously stuffed his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. “I’m sorry, I kind of opened it and read some of it before I realized what it was. But… I think you should take a look. I’m sure Cyrus would want you to know.”

“T-Thank you, dear,” she replied, unable to keep her eyes off it.

T.J. nodded before accepting her short hug.

“I’ll stay for a bit,” Cyrus called out after him. “See you at home.”

As T.J. closed the door, he caught a glimpse of Leslie sitting on the edge of comatosed Cyrus’ bed and opening the journal. Cyrus’ ghost sat next to her, wrapping his arms around his mother, cuddling close. The woman visibly shivered yet continued reading the page she had opened to.

Just a few days ago, Cyrus had chosen an entry and marked it with the little ribbon that served a bookmark, wanting it to be the first thing his parents read.

“Oh, Cyrus…” Leslie breathed, bringing a hand up to her mouth. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” She turned to Cyrus’ comatosed form and took his hand, holding it close to her heart. “I should have known.”

It felt like an intrusion, watching Cyrus’ mother react to her son coming out to her via a private journal.

Releasing a breath, T.J. closed the door all the way and headed down to the lobby to meet up with his friends.

………

For most of the afternoon and well into the evening, T.J. was restless and worried that Cyrus wouldn’t come back.

If giving his parents a journal full of his personal thoughts and confessions was truly his unfinished business, then T.J. may never see him again.

And, to be honest, it scared T.J.

Cyrus wouldn’t move on without saying goodbye, right?

“Nice to see you out of your room for once.”

T.J. turned away from the microwave where he had been blankly staring at the popcorn bag spinning as it made popping noises. 

Amber made her way towards him and hopped up on a stool at the counter.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, confused.

“Well, you always seem like you have no desire of ever leaving your room,” she huffed, sounding almost bitter. “You spend all your time with your little ghost boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” T.J. spluttered, his cheeks heating up.

Amber raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. “You might as well be. You barely have any time for me.”

T.J. opened his mouth to deny it but the look on her face stopped him. She was genuinely upset. And it dawned on him that in the last couple of weeks or so, he had been so preoccupied with helping Cyrus and spending time with him. He only really saw his sister during meal times at home and at The Spoon if she was working when he stopped by with his friends.

He and Amber often spent time together back in San Francisco, whether it was shopping, going to the movies, or just hanging out at home watching Netflix. But, lately, he was either out with Buffy and the others or holed up in his room with Cyrus. 

His mom never said a word about it, seeing as she was busy as well. But, it looked like Amber was feeling rather lonely. He didn’t even know if she had managed to make any new friends at Grant like he did (granted, that was due to Cyrus, but still).

He understood why Amber was unhappy with him and now felt guilty for ignoring his sister.

“Hey.” He walked closer and placed a hand over hers. “I’m sorry.”

Her lips twitched a little at his apology.

“How about you and I hang out tomorrow? We can go to the movies. We can ask mom, too, if she’s not feeling too lazy. We’ll make it a family day.”

He wanted to make a quip about wondering if he was truly the youngest in the family. But, seeing Amber break into a smile made him hold his tongue.

She played nonchalant. “Sure. Whatever.”

He grinned. “But, for tonight, just… let me hang out with Cyrus, okay? He had a pretty trying day. I just wanna cheer him up when he gets back.”

The microwave beeped, announcing that his popcorn was ready.

“You two are getting really close,” Amber stated, as she watched him pour the popcorn into a bowl. “Be careful, T.J.”

“Cyrus wouldn’t hurt me.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

He turned to see worry drawn all over his sister’s face.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt when he finally moves on,” she continued. “And I know you’re trying to find a way to get him back to his body, but T.J., he’s brain dead. There’s nothing for him to come back to-.”

“Don’t say that,” T.J. hissed, his eyes narrowing. “I can help him. I know I can. I just… need to figure out what I’m missing. There has to be a way.”

“T.J.-“

“I know you’re worried about me, Ambs. But, I know what I’m doing.”

He really didn’t but his pride and desire to keep Cyrus around was making him spout these lies. If he believed them enough, they might just come true.

Biting her lip, Amber hopped off her stool and walked over to him. “Just… know that I’m here for you, okay?”

His irritation slowly dissipated as his sister’s concern and support reminded him that she had always been his partner-in-crime and he loved her so. She was his big sister and the best one there was, even though he would never tell her to her face.

“Thanks, Ambs.”

He gave her a brief hug before grabbing his bowl of popcorn and heading back to his room.

When he entered, there was already a figure sitting on his bed, going through his Netflix selection on his laptop that he left open earlier before he went to get popcorn.

Cyrus looked up when the door closed. “T.J.! They have ‘Incredibles 2’ now! Can we watch it?”

T.J. smiled and said, “Sure.”

Cyrus scooted over so he could make himself comfortable, pillow propped up on his back and the bowl of popcorn on his lap.

“Um…so… how were your parents?” he couldn’t help but ask.

Cyrus’ hand hovered over the trackpad. He bit his lip, appearing to contemplate before answering.

“They were accepting,” he said, happy smile playing on his lips. “Mom read my journal first. She… uh… cried.” He chuckled. “I guess I get the dramatics from her. I waited until my step-mom came by a couple of hours later. Mom showed her the journal. Then, they told my dad and step-dad over dinner.” He leaned back against T.J.’s other pillow behind him. “I wish I could have told them, myself. I wish I could feel their hugs and hear them tell me that they still loved me, no matter who I chose to love.” He sighed. “But, either way, it felt so…freeing.”

“I’m so happy for you, Cyrus.”

Cyrus’ eyes twinkled as they met his. “And I have you to thank, T.J.”

T.J. beamed. “Anything for a friend.”

“If it wasn’t for you, they wouldn’t know at all. To be honest, I’m ready to move on any minute now.” 

He chuckled.

And just like that, T.J.’s heart fell to his stomach. “Do you… feel any different? Like you’re fading? Or do you see a light? Or… something?”

To his relief, Cyrus shook his head. “No. No different than usual.” He sighed, sadly. “I guess that wasn’t my unfinished business. I had really hoped…”

Feeling a lump in his throat, T.J. swallowed, though painfully so. “Why do you want to move on?” he forced the question out.

Cyrus pursed his lips. “Didn’t you see my mom earlier? She was putting on a face for you, guys. To show you that she was still holding on. But… she’s not. Her hope is dying. And the same goes for my step-parents and my dad… My friends… They’re all waiting for me to wake up but it’s been more than a year since I fell into a coma. They’re losing hope but they’re still holding on. And I just… want them to let me go so they can move on with their lives. They deserve that.”

“But-,” T.J. started to protest but Cyrus interrupted him.

“I know what you’re going to say, T.J, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t.” His tone was cold and firm and it made T.J. not speak any further. “I’m thrilled that my parents accept me and I just want to celebrate that tonight. Please?”

Who was T.J. to deny him that?

Sighing, he nodded. “So… ‘Incredibles 2’?”

A look of gratitude fell over Cyrus’ face and he nodded.

T.J. leaned over and clicked “play” on his laptop before settling back into his pillow. Beside him, Cyrus also leaned back, his shoulder touching T.J.’s lightly.

“Hey,” T.J. spoke up as the opening credits rolled on the screen. “I really am happy for you, Cyrus. You deserve everything.”

The ghost smiled up at him. “Thank you, T.J. For everything.”

The rest of the night passed, peacefully.

[stokan]

The Top 20 Things of 2019

1. “Shallow” at The Oscars How can something be so anticipated, so hyped, so seemingly bigger than the freaking Oscars themselves, and yet still somehow exceed all expectations? We now know the answer: by completely subverting them. That’s why it makes perfect sense that the greatest moment of Lady Gaga’s career would be the simplest one. Her and Bradley Cooper simply standing up from their seats still gives me chills every time I watch it (and I’ve watched it A LOT). And the close up on their faces needs to be shown in sex ed classes.

If I could travel back in time, sure going back to kill baby Hitler would be great, but mostly I’d just want to go back to the exact second the curtain starts to raise on this performance, before I knew where it was headed next.

2. Olivia Colman winning Best Actress at The Oscars If you think it’s weird that there are two separate things from the same awards show on my list of the top things from the entire year, then, well, you’ve come to the wrong place.

This is the absolute platonic ideal of someone winning an Oscar. Our genuine shock at hearing their name, THEIR genuine shock at hearing their name, the genuine emotion from everyone involved, a speech that is heartfelt, human, funny, and charming in a way that only a true star could ever dream of being, all in equal measure. And it’s all part of a YouTube clip you can watch endlessly and find new things every time. (Glenn Close’s reaction when she loses is like an entire drama in and of itself.) Sure awards shows may be dumb, but then also, this is why they’re not.

3. Sharon Van Etten - “Seventeen” in advance of this year’s Oscars I just want to be on record that my favorite movie from 2019 about aging, feeling that life is passing you by, grappling with mortality, the passage of time, and the generation coming up behind you is Closing My Eyes And Listening To “Seventeen” By Sharon Van Etten. It has it all: the creeping melancholy and regret, the sense of doom that you try to dance away, the feeling that the past was maybe just a dream, the urge to yell into an increasingly uncaring void.

Part of the curse of aging is everyone becoming their own Casandra. Now you know, but no one will listen. And part of the joy of aging is realizing it doesn’t really matter if they do.

4. The writing on Succession

“Proof that, as long as the writing is there, TV doesn’t need to be anything more than people having conversations in rooms.” - theringer.com

I have a rule with these year end lists that I can’t feature something I’ve listed in a previous year. But it’s actually illegal to write about the best of 2019 without mentioning Succession. So I’m going to get around my self-imposed rule by this year specifically highlighting the writing on the show.

The amazing thing about Succession is how watchable it is not despite, but almost BECAUSE of the fact that not much actually happens. People talk a lot about things they are GOING to do, or MIGHT do, but there’s not a ton of actual DOING. And that’s actually great, because what we’re really here for is the talking. Every character talks with the biting wit of an Armando Iannucci character, the deep intelligence of an Aaron Sorkin character, and the realism of an actual human being. I find myself constantly rewinding just to make sure I took in the brilliance of each dialogue exchange. And literally every line Kieran Culkin is given to say would be the best line of the entire season on 90% of the shows on TV.

Everyone talks about how great the acting on Succession is, and rightly so, but actors are nothing without good words to say. And on Succession, to paraphrase a president of the United States that I’m sure ACN would love, they have the best words.

5. The chemistry of Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein in Booksmart My favorite movie of 2017 was Lady Bird. My favorite movie of 2018 was Eighth Grade. So suffice it to say I was well prepared for how much I loved Booksmart. But what I was not prepared for at all was the incredible chemistry of two actors I had previously never even heard of before: Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein. It feels impossible that the two of them aren’t real-life best friends. Life-long friendship is such a specific bond it feels impossible to fake, and yet somehow Kaitlyn and Beanie pulled the magic trick off. Experiencing the giddy contact high of their chemistry felt like being in the presence of a miracle. And anyone who says the romantic comedy is dead clearly didn’t see Booksmart, because maybe the best romantic comedy of the decade was the story of two people realizing the deepest, purest, most unique love of all can sometimes be the love you have for your best friend.

6. Fleabag Season 2 What on earth is there left to say about Fleabag that hasn’t already been said? And yet somehow even with all the discourse about this show it has still maintained its status as the rare cultural phenomenon with a 100% approval rating. To be as massive and as beloved as Fleabag and yet inspire zero backlash, not even a stray contrarian take from an online troll, feels impossible, and yet also, in the case of Fleabag, totally right. If (the now VERY problematic) Louie was the beginning of giving people money to make their idiosyncratic, personal, not-quite a drama not-quite a comedy TV shows, then Fleabag is the end. The apex of the art form. There’s nowhere to go from here but down. 2019 was the year television finally peaked. It was the year we all witnessed perfection. And it was the year that we fittingly all had a priest to guide us there.

7. Chelsea Peretti’s monologue at the WGA Awards Ironic that the year that proved that awards shows don’t need hosts is also the same year that gave maybe the best example ever of what a great awards show host can do. Chelsea goes so far inside baseball it gives new meaning to the phrase “corker”, and it’s all the better for it.

8. Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride If you don’t think Father of the Bride is the best album of 2019 then congrats on not being a late-30s straight white man. But as a late-30s straight white man myself I’ve got two big things going for me:

1.) A life that has benefited from a history of privilege and near-total control over society stretching from the beginnings of civilization up until today 2.) An understanding that Father of the Bride is the best album of 2019

But what about Bon Iver and Wilco and The National and Sturgill Simpson and Big Thief, didn’t they all put out albums for late-30s straight white men this year you ask? To which I say: did any of those albums have a song on them called “Unbearably White”? No they did not! And that sort of ironic self-awareness is the kind of shit that has fueled a million straight white male sketch comedy scenes. It is the air we breathe. Also, have you heard “Harmony Hall” lately? Or “This Life”? Or “Stranger”? I mean, come on, leaving Brooklyn to make your “settled down in LA” album is the sort of late-30s straight white guy catnip James Murphy could only DREAM ABOUT. I may not have much these days, other than unlimited power and privilege, but at least I will always have Vampire Weekend, and they will always have me.

9. Lizzo Every year there is one thing that defines the year. One thing that 50 years in the future when someone mentions that year, it will be the first thing that pops into everyone’s head. And in America for 2019 that thing will be the impeachment of Donald Trump. But if there is a second thing, then it’s Lizzo. She was there when the year started, only got bigger as the year progressed and was arguably still getting more popular as the year ended. And she was everywhere. She was on massive stages and behind tiny desks. She was at the movies, she was on TV, she was coming out of every open car window. And she was definitely at every wedding you went to this year. Lizzo WAS 2019.

With the impeachment of Donald Trump I don’t know how far down the presidential line of succession we have to go before we get to Lizzo, but I know we would all be better off if we would hurry up and get there. Lizzo is the best of us.

10. This picture of Baby Yoda 

Ok I was wrong. Take everything I said about Lizzo and double it for This Picture Of Baby Yoda (you know the one, or if you don’t, click the link above). On the wikipedia entry for the year 2019 that definitely needs to be the picture. 

11. Kodi Lee on America’s Got Talent I realize you probably weren’t sitting around watching America’s Got Talent this summer. I certainly wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t happened to be working the live show tapings. But lemme tell you, if you didn’t see the show, you missed out on something truly magical this year. Something that makes you rethink what human beings are capable of. Something that goes so far beyond inspirational that I don’t think our language has a word to fully express it. Kodi Lee is a real life superhero, and provoking emotion is his superpower. Making it thru a full Kodi Lee performance without crying should be the new Turning Test. Forget America; Humans Have Talent indeed.

12. Taylor Swift - “Cruel Summer” Look I didn’t expect to ever find another “Teenage Dream”, but, well, here we are. I mean, a Taylor Swift single produced by Jack Antonoff and co-written by Annie Clark is pretty much genetically engineered to be one of my favorite things ever, but still: wow. Do the kids still use the term “banger”? Because if so, this is why the term was invented. I would have more to say about how great the rest of Lover is as well, but sorry, I gotta go now. I have to listen to “Cruel Summer” for the eight millionth time.

13. Michelle Williams in Fosse/Verdon If there was an award for best acting performance in any medium this would be the clear winner for 2019. In fact, can you win an EGOT for one single performance? What about a Nobel Prize? I can’t come up with an award or a title big enough to truly honor Michelle Williams’ work in Fosse/Verdon.

As a fellow actor very rarely a performance will come along that will make me think: ok we’re done here. Let’s all the rest of us pack it up and go home, because someone just won acting. This is one of those performances. So congrats to Dame Michelle Williams, you’re the new Pope.

14. American Factory My favorite line in all of Shakespeare is “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. And nothing is evidence of that more than the piece of art I have thought about most this year: the documentary American Factory (available on Netflix right now!). So many of the things we in western societies believe are universal bedrock virtues and value are in fact simply products of the society in which we were raised. Individualism, personal expression, autotomy, the importance of leisure time, and so many other things, are not absolute human values, only relative ones. What is important to someone in America, can be ridiculous and incomprehensible to someone in China. And vice versa. And neither side is right or wrong, only thinking makes it so.

American Factory is documentary that doesn’t say WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW WAS WRONG, but instead shows something that is perhaps even more powerful: what if everything you know is simply just that, a thing you know.

15. White Claw Life is an endless parade of infinite options, possibilities, and choices. So I have no idea how you personally chose to spend your 2019. With one exception: I Know What You Did Last Summer. You drank an alcoholic seltzer water. Probably many of them, but at least one. At a park, at a beach, in a backyard, definitely at a party. If at some point this summer your paws weren’t wrapped around a White Claw (or a similar product) then you didn’t actually experience 2019. Because this is the year we all collectively got obsessed with combining America’s two hottest drink trends: flavored sparkling water and…hold on, lemme look up the name of this stuff…alcohol?

History may record summer 2019 as Hot Girl Summer, but those us who actually lived it know the truth: it was Hard Seltzer Summer

16. Marriage Story A movie that fundamentally misunderstands things I care about deeply - theater, Los Angeles, how the entertainment industry works - is my favorite movie of the year because of how deeply it gets right the thing I care about most: human beings. The way we talk, the way we behave, the way we love, the way we hurt, the way we create bonds that never fully go away. It’s been said a lot, but part of the beauty and magic of this movie is that it doesn’t take sides. Both people are right and both of them are wrong. And that’s how human relationships often work in real life, but rarely in art. There are no heroes, there are no villains; there’s only being alive.


(Also, Adam Driver, Imma let you finish, but Raul Esparza doing “Being Alive” is one of my favorite YouTube clips of ALL TIME. If you ever need to weep uncontrollably and you don’t have time to watch Marriage Story, then Raul Esparza’s “Being Alive” will do the trick)

17. Lil Nas X - “Old Town Road” “What kind of music do you like” used to be a very important question. Your sense of identity used to be defined by the type of music you listened to and what that choice said about you. But now music-as-cultural-signifier is as dead as the concept of owning music itself. Rap music is for elementary school kids. Country music is made by queer black Americans collaborating with Dutch teenagers. Billy Ray Cyrus and Korean pop stars appear on remixes of the same song. A song about an old road and an antiquated mode of travel becomes a massive hit thru the brand new music app TikTok. What kind of music do we like in 2019? All of the “kinds” of music at once, in one marvelously inescapable two minute burst of joy. Music is dead; long live music.

18. Chernobyl If you thought it was crazy that the year’s biggest song was a novelty country/hip-hop track by an unsigned artist rapping about trying to find parking for his horse, then wait until you find out what the summer’s biggest hit TV show was about! I mean, nothing screams “summer fun” like nuclear radiation and shooting dogs. But as always, no one ever truly knows what people will want until you give it to them. And clearly what we really wanted in our LOL Nothing Matters age was a captivating reminder that life on earth truly could end at any moment. Some things very much DO matter. And that something as dramatic, devastating, and consequential as Chernobyl could have happened in the fairly recent past and already have been largely forgotten about is incredible. But if you can take such a compelling story and tell it as well as the makers of Chernobyl did, then people will watch and learn and better understand an issue of vital importance, no matter how seemingly uncommercial it might be. So in a very 2019 sentence: thank you creator of the the Hangover franchise for your miniseries about a 1980 Russian power plant explosion. It was our collective summer obsession. (2019 was a weird year.)

19. Raphael Bob-Waksberg - Someone Who Will Love You In All You Damaged Glory

“I think about how loving someone is kind of like being president, in that it doesn’t change you, not really. But it brings out more of the you that you already are.”

Back in the day, Raphael Bob-Waksberg had a tumblr that was so good it both single-handedly inspired me get much better and writing my thoughts and putting them on the internet (thus what you are reading right now) and intimidated me out of doing it more often (why I now do this only once a year). In fact, I’m almost positive I had his tumblr listed as one of my top things of a year in the past, which is really the highest honor a tumblr account can receive. It was one of the single most impactful forces in the direction of my creative life. And now Raphael has taken the voice that created that tumblr and created my favorite TV show (BoJack Horseman) and wrote my favorite ever Craigslist post, and used it to create a book about love and loss and being human. And it feels like a wonderful treasure that was written just for me. It IS my worldview, expressed better than I ever possibly could. When I meet people now rather than doing the usual introductory small talk I am just going to hand them a copy of this book.

20. The New One - Mike Birbiglia Speaking of art that felt deeply personal to me…just hearing even a rough outline of the story Mike Birbiglia tells in The New One was enough to start me on a path of perhaps reconsidering one of my most deeply held beliefs. By talking about parenthood in a refreshingly honest and shockingly open way, he is able to possibly change lives. I know finally actually seeing the show in person (and it’s now available on Netflix) felt like a possible turning point in mine. Is it theater? Is it standup? Does it matter? Here’s what there are no questions about: it’s hilarious and deeply felt and perfectly constructed. It’s an absolute master class in story telling. And it’s my favorite thing I saw this year.

[janeeet-n]

**Disclaimer: This is a really, really long post.**

You have not only provided me with a wealth of knowledge and opportunities but you’ve equipped me with probably one of the best support group a girl could have ever dreamed of. I could not have asked for a better group of friends here at Davis, so I’ve decided to do something different on this blog. I want to take this time to share with you my friends here in cow-town that have been here for me since day one. (There isn’t a specific order, friends!)

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Lizzy,

My high school sweetheart! Hahaha, we’ve known each other for a while now, and I’m so glad that we got even closer during our time here in cow-town. I’m always so inspired by your resilience and the unending love you have for everyone. You’re so down to earth and easy to talk to. You’re relatable, and you’re not shy to be who you are. I really admire your ability to understand people at all sorts of angles. Every time I come to you with my problems, you always put it in a whole new perspective. I truly am so grateful for you. To have known you since high school is honestly a blessing. We’ve literally been through so much. I remember during summer, you even went with me to get the Nexplanon when I was such a wimp. You are such a true one. You have guided me through a shit ton of mishaps, and I’m so blessed to have someone so anchored in my life. Girl, we got so much ahead of us! Thank you for everything! By the way, thank you for always being the first to reach out to me and dragging me out of the study lounge or lonely library to hang out. I always get so excited to hang out/study with you. (Sorry about your tire. I’m bad juju.)

Myat,

The badass. I remember when I went through such a hard time, you would always AMPLIFY things, and it was always so bizarre that it made me feel better. I remember when we were on the bus together to go to Trader Joe’s (?), and I was pretty sad about my recent breakup. All you said was “I’m going to cut him like filet mignon.” Hahaha, I still laugh so hard just thinking about all of the bizarre, outrageous things that you always say when you’re feeling heated. You never let anyone hurt your friends and that warms my heart. You will always fight for people you care about. If I ever need a partner in crime, I know you would be the go to girl for that. You’re literally badass. On the real though, you’re extremely sweet! I remember when our friend went through some problems, you would literally come to me and ask about what to do when s/he acts a certain way or how to comfort someone. You’re so caring and compassionate. You don’t always understand what someone else is going through, but you actually put yourself out there and find a way to understand people better. You genuinely care, and I’m so glad to have someone who is so badass yet such a softie. Also, you introduced me to the fangirl world and honestly, I’ve learned SO much about your fangirl life- things I did want to know and certainly things I wish I didn’t. (Thank you for guiding me through my ginger-basketball fangirl phase.)

Michelle,

The sweetest, purest little flower in our group. You were the first person to make Davis feel more like home to me. I remember meeting you as my roommate for the first time. You were so chirpy and happy! I was feeling pretty sad but you made the move-in experience a lot lighter, and it always felt like everything would be fine. I remember asking you if you missed home because we come from the same hometown, and you bluntly replied “no.” Hahaha, in my head, I was like, “damn, okay, Miss Independent over here.” You always have the purest intentions, and I really appreciate how hard-working you are and how you manage to “nap” for three plus hours. It’s quite impressive, I must say. I think it’s so cute how I can always find stickers on the messenger app that reminds me of you. You always fill my heart up with so much love and joy. I’ll never forget the time you set out some time of your day to sticky-note my desk, take down pictures, block out names, AND write encouraging notes on little post-its. I truly did not understand true friendship until I came back that Sunday and saw my space filled with nothing but positivity. By the way, I will never forget the times I almost died in your car and our spontaneous Jan and Mish trip to the biggest corn maze in the world! + figuring out how bad you were with your left and right. Hahaha.

Reca,

My model. I don’t know how you do it. I still don’t to this very day understand how you literally do it all. I love how you’re so 100 with everything. You are literally perfect. Reca can literally be that girl that breaks the curve in your math class to being that girl getting so lit at the parties. You are the definition of work hard, play hard. Hahaha. You literally inspire me to overcome my challenges and to never take things for granted. You always think outside of the box, and I really appreciate how real you are with the life you’re given. You bring a different perspective of hard work and passion into life. You somehow don’t ever need to say a lot to get your point across, and I really admire that. You’re such a boss lady! You’re who I would want my daughter to look up to. Seriously. Not only are you great at all that you do but you’re also a real friend. You’re always so, so easy to talk to and so understanding of the circumstances. You don’t let anyone stand in your way, and you have such genuine intentions. I am so glad you slid into my DMs before freshmen year and asked me to be your roommate. It felt like we were online dating, to be honest! (And when we did a Skype call to make sure we are all legit humans. Hahaha) I remember how you totally catfished me when I saw you in real life, and you were literally like 2 inches taller than me instead of 5 inches taller. You’re also freaking queen. You know how to transform- like damn girl. You out here to steal someone’s girl. (& thank you for sharing modern slang with me because I’m a literal grandma.)

Mary,

You’re so down to earth. You’re so funny, even if you don’t intend to be. You have a heart made of gold. I will never forget when the whole “clown scare” thing was going viral, and you told us that if a clown appears, you will run the clown over with your bike. Hahaha. Mary, I hope that you will one day learn that your heart deserves more than what you think you deserve. Never be afraid to be vulnerable at times. I’m always rooting for whatever you choose to do!  It’s always so nice having someone the same size to borrow and trade clothes with! Hahaha. If you ever need anything, I got you. You are such a wholesome person to be around. You are so easy to talk to and you really bring me home. You give off a very cozy vibe, and I really find comfort in being around you. It may sound so weird, but it’s a good thing! Here’s to many more years of us watching scary movies together, gossiping about anything, and trying to understand the quarter system of university. (And listening to each other spill tea about anything we can think of!) To tackling university together a quarter at a time and crying over how we don’t know how to study. (We’ll get there one day!!)

Alice,

I think our first time really ever interacting was probably going to Ike’s together. We made the plan randomly and somehow carried it through successfully! I remember thinking I can’t cancel on Alice, because I want to get to know her better! You’re always so calm unless you copied down the wrong BIS2C notes or dropping your pens everywhere in class. You never back down from anything, and I love that so much about you. You’d literally tackle anyone. (According to Bryan) I remember freshman year, always wondering how you did it all. You are my superwoman. You somehow manage to wake up early to go swimming everyday, whether it’s hailing or sunshine. You run marathons. You know how to play an instrument (maybe even more than one?). You study hard. You work relentlessly. You eat healthy- literally. You stay on top of your shit. You amaze me every day with all that you do. You are hashtag goals. Hahaha. You are so admirable, and I hope to get to know you even better as we spend the next two years together in undergrad plus many more!

Kat,

You’re literally the only person I bother like way too much. I love talking to you. I love being around you, studying with you, and eating with you! You are literally the best study buddy I’ve ever had. I love how I can just ask you everything, and you won’t judge me but instead guide me through the basics. You’re always pushing me to my fullest potential and always reassuring me that I’m meant to be where I am. Hahhaha, sometimes, I really do need that type of encouragement, and you always give it to me. You always believe in me, and I want to make you proud. We have such meaningful conversations, and you openly share your culture with me all the time. You’re literally the best. By the way, lets visit Kouba again! I really miss him. I remember when it was our first Christmas together, and you bought me an elephant plush! That was like after a quarter of knowing you too. We somehow got so close so fast, and I’m so grateful for you. I remember our talks about witch doctors and just really deep talks anywhere and everywhere. I love that I can get real with you and share my stories with you. I’m always here for you, girl! (PS. lets take more classes together.)  By the way, you ARE SO TALENTED. You have such fantastic art and musical skills. Don’t ever hide it from the world because we need more people like you.

Bryan,

You’re sweet. I don’t care how many times you are going to deny it. You’re just utterly, truly the sweetest. You give everyone a second chance even when they truly don’t deserve it. You have a heart made out of gold. You see the best in people, and you’re never judgmental. Since day 1, you’ve always been so easy to talk to. You love to bring people together, and you love to be around people. You’re a people person. You’re humble and kind. You’re also super funny even when you don’t remember the next day. Hahaha, you truly made NorCal feel more like home for me. I really also freaking love how you don’t understand jokes- just like me! Except maybe too delayed. I think it’s so funny how you will literally laugh FIVE minutes later after the joke has already been told. I’d be like,”what are you laughing about?” Then you’d answer, “the joke earlier.” Shake my head. Hahahah. I also admire the fact that you run for fun every day and then continue to call yourself “out of shape.” (Like how.) You’re always down to hang out and go on adventures. Growing through university with you and sharing our tragic life events together- I cannot wait to see how you’re going to continue to grow and find yourself through university. We’re going to make it out better and stronger by 2020. (Process to 2020, eh? No matter what you hide, you can count on me to get to the core!)

Neil,

Oh Neil, oh Neil. You are someone I can ALWAYS count on. You have my back every time. And you best believe I got yours too. Even if you’re going to vomit all over me, I still won’t let you down. Even when you’re out and about, I’ll still drive you home. You’ve always been so kind to me and you’re HEHlulLA funny- sometimes. Being around you is always going to be a litty titty time. (HAHAHAH) I love hearing your past stories, your struggles with fat mentality, and your hoe stories. I can always get serious with you one minute and the next minute be laughing about how you thought making out was kissing yourself on the floor. You’re such a homie. Or how you say it, HamMEE. You’re so charismatic and lovable. Your smile lights up the room. I remember coming to you and crying about nothing. I ALSO remember when you made me cry in the study lounge as well.  I would like to partake in part of your ‘glow up’ when you asked me about whether you should get piercings, and I straight up told you how those baggy ankle jeans and Nike Air won’t get you that ‘look.’ Also that time that I held you back from vomiting as you continued to vomit all over my hand and arm- true friendship. And the time I slept on the couch so that you were forced to clean up your room. You’re welcome. You’re like a brother to me, Neil!! (JaNeil was real.) By the way, you’re super handsome, don’t EVER trip about it or feel as if you’re being too full of yourself by taking second looks in the mirror. You deserve it after working so hard to get to where you want to be!

Eric,

You wizard. Your brain is literally engineering wired- it amazes me. You’re so smart but at the same time soooooo crazy dangerous sometimes. You’re definitely an engineer for sure though. You always find such creative ways to solve problems that I would have never thought of. You fix things when they’re broken and neglected. You’re always so real and straightforward as well. You say it as it is. You’re so fun to talk to and be around. You were also one of the first to make me feel as if NorCal was home. You are such a great friend, and I love that I can always come to you with my problems and you’d literally just sit at your desk and listen to me ramble on and on. By the way, thank you for always observing my cooking and telling me that I cannot boil water at medium heat. Hahaha. You used to be such a grandpa and sleep at like 11PM, but woah did that change. You sleep at like, what, 1AM? Insane. It’s always great to see you out of your comfort zone too. You need to get out of that comfort zone more, Eric!! You need to just let loose and let those spaghetti arms and daddy long legs do whatever they want to do! Another note, you are always so prepared. Literally, for everything. I am SO SORRY that I have used up all of your Tylenol. I will get you a new bottle, so that I can use it again. Hahaha, just kidding. But seriously, you are so resourceful and I know that you literally have everything just an arms length away. You’d survive an apocalypse. But then again, you did slide down the staircase head first.

Brandon,

I still don’t remember meeting you at all. It’s quite funny how I literally only remember celebrating your birthday with complete strangers. You have always shown me so much love and care. I remember when you walked me back from formal in the dark because I hate the dark. That was very nice of you. Then we just sat in Bryan and Eric’s room to talk until like 4AM. You always try your best to be so patient with me when teaching me about physics and never questioning how I don’t understand anything. Your passion for dentistry has made me really excited for dentistry, and it’s so nice having someone to talk about toothpaste and flossing with. You’re so kind and the way you think about others always amazes me and brings me to tears. I’m so excited to be your co-dental head for this upcoming year. I’m so excited to see this professional side of you as we make Benit and Roger proud. I really look up to you, Brandon. Please get into dental school and show me your ways! You’re literally so knowledgeable and resourceful. Thanks for all of the curry and pasta in return for all of the times I gave you my end products in organic chemistry lab because you always somehow failed to collect enough products or even have reliable data. Shake my head. Thanks for being weird and such a breath of fresh air.

Andy,

You keep it one hundo. You will always say things the way you think it should be. You’re so knowledgeable about literally everything. You always know bits and bobs here and there. It’s so easy to talk to you and learn more from you. I also admire how hard working you are, yet so relaxed at home. You work so much, and I don’t know how you do it!! I remember asking you once why you work so much and you responded, “well, I have 16 hours that I don’t anything so might as well just work.” Hahaha. I really admire that! I have 16 hours that I don’t do anything too, but when I work, I ain’t subtracting any of my work hours from the 16 hours of doing nothing. (Probably why I didn’t work for long, hahah!) You’re a great listener as well! You have such an open mind and you always logically think things out when us girls are literally overthinking things and being extra as hell. Or whenever we’re stuck, you’re always willing to help out. I can always count on you, Andy! Thank you for always being here for everyone. I remember how shy you were when we first hung out, but then as you warmed up to us, you got real quirky. You’re such a unique individual, and I am so excited to see what the future holds for you!

Rheymart,

Bish. I don’t even know where to start. My first out-of-same-dorm friend at Davis. It was a sea of college students taking MAT17A at like some absurd time in the morning and from a distance, I spotted you. You were SO easy to talk to the moment I came up to you. You gave me your number right away, we clicked so fast, and we’re now friends for life. Hahaha. I love how extra you are. You’re a drama queen, but you’re also so shy. I LOVE all of our memories from freshmen year, even though you were a bitch at the end at one point, but I just blame your extra, petty ass for it. You’re hilarious and such a great dancer! This is so random, but remember that one time before our MAT17A final, you took out your angel figurine and legit prayed. That was gold. You always went to office hours with me too, so I thank you for never complaining about me dragging your ass to Kouba’s office hours literally every day. The only reason I got an A in that class. We always have such great memories together. Ugh, I miss seeing your booty popping moves in the dorms and sleeping on the floor in the hallways of Tercero with you. Remember how we pretended we were studying on the floor and “accidentally” fell asleep, so that when someone caught us we’d be like “oh shit, we didn’t mean to! We were just studying.” You’re my partner in crime and remember our pact- if we end up lonely, we’re going to move in together and live life to its fullest!!

Enriquez, Matthew, 

You were the first person to introduce me to the college “life.” You are one a kind. You never fail to make me laugh from such smart jokes. You are literally the life of the party. I’m so glad that you approached me that one time that I was eating breakfast alone at the dining commons. Do you remember that? We were just eating cereal together for breakfast. You then somehow got into the topic of pot and parties. It was very interesting with all of your spazzy “woo’s” and “ooo’s” and awkward arm flails. I remember after our brief meeting, we never stopped snapchatting! We became really great friends, and somehow we connected through mutual friends. It’s so baffling how small this world is. I’m so glad to have met someone who is so free-spirited and so intelligent. I remember how after my confrontation with my ex-boyfriend, you messaged me about how you looked up to me and were proud of me. That made me tear up because I never really thought of you as one to really say such things. You were always so out of the loop and all over the place, hahaha, It really touched my heart. I really admire you, Matthew. You are such a bright, entertaining soul. I am so excited to see you doing big things in the future.

Jeff,

Jizz. I remember when I first met you, you were eating vanilla yogurt out of the big tub. You had yogurt ALL OVER your mouth, but you just didn’t give a damn. You kept eating and boy, did you keep talking and talking. I remember asking one of the other boys, “does Jeff talk this much?” Hahaha! I always get pulled into your conversations, and they are so inappropriate for the real world but you always got a point. You always do. You’re so loud and funny at home, but in public you’re such a good kid!! Hahaha, that facade you got on is too good. I’m so glad I got the chance to get to know you. You’re such a real one and your boujie clothes/fashion style are A+. You always make me laugh, and it’s never a bad moment when I’m around you! (Remember when we had a deep conversation in the middle of your room, and you legit out of nowhere just decided to strip into your pajamas.) I can’t wait to spend the next couple of years in college with you. You’re such a joy to be around, and I hope to one day conquer the Picnic Day scavenger hunt with you!

End note: I know this was such a long post, but I seriously could have kept going on and on about each and every one of you. You all hold such a special place in my heart. Y’all have been here for me through my ups and downs. I understand true friendship because of y’all. You are the reason I love Davis, the reason I look forward to coming back up after break even though I’m so, so family oriented and homesick all the time. Thank you for everything and for always pushing me to be the best version of myself while at the same time telling me to let go and relax every now and then. You are all so individually unique, and I don’t think I would have ever been able to find a more wholesome, perfect group to be around anywhere else. I understand why I’m where I am, and it’s because we were all destined to meet. We’re literally family away from home. My university experience would have never been the same without you all. Here’s to us, the Sleepy Pasta Bitches, est Fall 2016.

From the very bottom of my heart,

Janet Nguyen

  Dear Davis, **Disclaimer: This is a really, really long post.** You have not only provided me with a wealth of knowledge and opportunities but you've equipped me with probably…

[entergamingxp]

Super Mega Baseball 3 — The Secret Weapon

May 12, 2020 9:00 AM EST

Super Mega Baseball 3 is not a total home run, but the franchise and its brand of wacky baseball continue to trend in the right direction.

Growing up as a sports-loving little dork, one of my favorite franchises was the Backyard Sports series. I was also super into NHL Hitz, NBA Street, and Blitz, but the core games in my arcade sports heart were and always will be the Backyard games. Sure, they’re incredibly easy once you’ve played them for a handful of hours, but Humongous did an amazing job integrating personality into their sports franchise.

For me, that’s always been the draw of sports, whether they be digital or real-world. On-field action can be absolutely breathtaking, but if I don’t have a reason to care, I find myself quickly tuning out. I need that drama that’s unlike anything else in the world. And, for my money, Backyard Sports is one of the few series that gave me a similar level of intrigue. I care more about Pete Wheeler and Pablo Sanchez and even that loser Dmitri Petrovich more than I do most other characters in any other medium. No other game has been able to merge that fun (if simplistic) arcade sports action with players that I genuinely care about.

And then I started playing Super Mega Baseball 3. Listen, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it’s this incredible game that you have to play. Frankly, it isn’t. However, my time with the game has whisked me back to my childhood and brought up some of those same joys I felt knocking the ball out of Eckman Acres.

“…my time with the game has whisked me back to my childhood…”

Opening up Super Mega Baseball 3 for the first time, my eyes were immediately drawn to the team customizer. Given the cartoony graphic style, I instantly knew this was something I could work with. And so, I spent the first few hours of my time with the game recreating some of my favorite Backyard Sports characters and making them into my team. Now, on its own, that’s not too exciting. I could technically do the same thing in plenty of sports games. The difference, at least for me, is that the visual style looks like what you’d imagine a modern Backyard game would look like.

That’s cool and all, but a good character creator is not exactly going to light the world on fire in 2020. Plus, there are only like 20 hairstyles and you can’t even put mutton chops on the ladies. Like, what gives? No, this is a sports game. We need to talk about the on-field action.

Here’s the thing about Super Mega Baseball 3: it’s a pretty simple game. That’s not necessarily a knock on it, but if you’re coming to it looking for a difficult sim to immerse yourself in, this ain’t it. It’s more interested in being goofy and letting you blast bombs to outer space. The game has a solid difficulty system they call “Ego” that’s actually pretty well handled. You can set your overall Ego anywhere from 1-99, but it also lets you break it out further than that. So, if you’re an ace pitcher but can’t swing a bat to save your life, you can adjust your Ego settings to match. However, you really have to crank that Ego setting up if you want a challenge.

See, until you hit roughly 80 Ego, the game still gives you a ton of assists. Let’s look at batting, for example. On lower Ego levels, the game just automatically aims your bat in the right direction. As you move up the Ego scale, the auto-aim lessens, but it doesn’t go away until you bump it up to around 90. Now, the pitches are coming in much faster at higher Ego, but if you pay attention, you’re going to have a stud batting average.

Pitching isn’t quite as simple, but you’ll master it pretty quickly. Basically, you select a pitch and then try to adjust your aim as you go. Imagine you’re playing a dart game in Yakuza and you’re trying to time the cursor in the right place at the right time. That’s basically what this is. It’s a fun way to pitch. Fielding is even easier as the players pretty much just run to the ball on their own with almost no input needed.

“I’m not too fussed about the game feeling more simplistic than most modern sports games.”

Personally, I’m not too fussed about the game feeling more simplistic than most modern sports games. After all, I play a lot of them, and sometimes it feels like there’s just too much going on. Super Mega Baseball does away with that complexity and just focuses on the fun. For baseball fanatics, that might kill the game. For casuals like me, it’s a welcome change of pace.

That said, it’s not all rosy for Super Mega Baseball 3. One of the bigger issues is kind of a weird one to me. Almost without fail when I play sports games, I immediately turn off the sound. The announcers just spout the same crap year after year that there’s really no point in listening. So you would think that Super Mega Baseball’s lack of any kind of broadcast team wouldn’t be a turn-off, but, for whatever reason, it really kills the feel of the game. Maybe it’s because of my fond memories of listening to Sunny Day and Vinnie the Gooch. Maybe I really do like the sultry tones of FIFA‘s Martin Tyler. However, the lack of an announce team is an unfortunate admission. It doesn’t kill the game, by any means. It just makes you realize that this is something of a budget project.

My other problem is a much bigger deal. I don’t want to say the game is full of technical issues, but it did crash every time I tried to alt+tab and respond to someone on Discord. There were a few other small issues that added up to it, again, feeling like a cheaper game. It’s not going to take you out of the game or anything. Well, unless you actually want to get out of the game for a second. Because then it’s going to die and force you to reload your franchise.

Super Mega Baseball 3 is a weird game to review. I can’t, in good conscience, tell you that this is a great game. It’s not. It’s fine. SMB3 is like the ham sandwich of video games. If you don’t want ham, then it’s not for you. It’d be great if you also had some cheese to put on there, but you’re a poor college student and can’t afford that kind of luxury. And then there are people like me who freaking love ham. It’s so good! How could you not like ham! Can you tell I’m writing this right before lunch?

Anyways, that ham sandwich is going to hit the spot perfectly and make you feel like you’re a kid again without a care in the world. You have no group project and the gym is just the place you play dodgeball and not where you force yourself to do cardio. It’s great.

“I adore the things (Super Mega Baseball 3) lets me do, but I also recognize that I’m uniquely suited to love this game.”

That’s where I’m at with Super Mega Baseball 3. I adore the things it lets me do, but I also recognize that I’m uniquely suited to love this game. SMB3 lets me bring the smoke from the mound with Amir Khan. It lets me rocket line drives with Mikey Thomas. It lets me hose fools from deep center with Keisha Phillips. But it didn’t create any of that. I added all of that personality. I don’t care about the dumb characters SMB3 made, so can I give it full credit for the great time I’m having?

But there is something good here. That can’t be denied. It feels weird to say this because we’re on the third version, but if Metalhead can take the fun, arcade gameplay they’ve put together and really lean into the personality side of sports, Super Mega Baseball 4 is going to be incredible. If they give this franchise a wacky story mode, it’s over. We’ve peaked.

Seriously though, if you’re looking for a baseball game that doesn’t care about the intricacies of the sport, Super Mega Baseball 3 is worth a look. It’s far from perfect, but it’s a good time. And, hopefully, you can become as invested in your squad as I did mine. That player-driven storytelling really makes this game work beautifully for me. Metalhead is also a developer ready and willing to make changes after their games launch. They’ve already committed to adding things like a team import from SMB2 and online mode improvements. That dedication to the franchise and the core fun of the on-field baseball, make this a game I will likely be coming back to quite a bit during the summer doldrums.

May 12, 2020 9:00 AM EST

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/05/super-mega-baseball-3-the-secret-weapon/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=super-mega-baseball-3-the-secret-weapon

[jemappellekane-blog]

Para || Future Words

WHO: Blaine & Kane WHEN: 1/13/2018 WHERE: Kane’s car on the way back to campus WHAT: Something Kane’s dad said brings a whole new conversation topic to the forefront. Pure fluff. Pure. Fluff. That’s not even a warning, because it’s wonderful and sappy and everything good.

Blaine had had a great winter break. Between spending New Year's Eve in Time's Square with Kane and then the few days that came after that, plus the days spent at Blaine's house and then at Kane's house, meeting respective parents, it was all exciting and all a whirlwind, and truthfully, Blaine was disappointed that it was over. It wasn't all bad though, despite the fight that he'd had with his brother. There were some words that were used that Blaine had never considered before. The word 'future' had been used. By Kane's dad. And it hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time, but Blaine spent a day or two mulling it over in his head. Future was something he rarely thought about, but he found himself doing just that. About Kane. Really often. They were in the car on the way back to school when Blaine finally broke his silence on the matter. "Your dad said, the other day, that he could see you building a future with me," he said, with no real point as he watched out the window while his boyfriend drove. It was just a statement. A very ominous statement.

Kane wasn't looking forward to heading back to campus. He knew it was selfish, he did, but it'd been so nice to have Blaine to himself for the past two weeks or so and... Kane knew when they got back to campus schedules would get crazy again and getting to see Blaine during any free time they had would be a lot more few and far between as things started to get busy. It was okay, though, because they'd gotten pretty good at making time for each other. He was so lost in his thoughts that Blaine's statement startled him more than it maybe usually would have. "My dad's not the only one who can see that. You're part of next semester, Spring Break, summer break, next school year... it's right there, without even thinking about it," Kane admitted, giving Blaine a little smile before lowering the radio some so they could talk.

Blaine smiled at Kane's response. He knew exactly what the other was talking about. There wasn't a thing he thought about doing that he didn't also involve Kane in. Going for lunch? Walking home from practice? Picking out new bowties? All things that he also considered Kane in. And the other was right. Spring break, summer break... Blaine had thought about those too. "You really think that far ahead? Like to summer? Or to next semester?" he asked, not really confused or blown away, but just sort of wanting to hear it again. The other always had a way of saying things that set Blaine at ease.

Kane reached between the two of them to get a grip on Blaine's fingers and squeeze a little bit. "I do. The other day they were talking about vacations online and I had this flash that we should go to Nashville during summer break and visit some of the music attractions. Or talking about next semester, I thought about rooming with you and how we could decorate everything. Or places we can go for dinner, or movies coming out as late as 2019 I want to go see with you. Does that sound too weird?" Not that he was really worried about it, but it always helped to know that he wasn't freaking Blaine out.

Blaine squeezed Kane's hand a little as he started to explain. He couldn't help the little smitten smile on his face. Or the blush that followed after it. He'd thought of things like that too. Of going somewhere on an airplane with Kane. Or going to a beach with a boardwalk and staying out late so that they could see the stars from the sand and hear the ocean at the same time. He shook his head and glanced at the other. "Nah, that's not weird. It's just, not what I thought would happen for me. Just, cause like, before high school I never really considered dating because of what happened when I was a kid. Like, I thought it was just too much for someone. And then after the Sadie Hawkins dance thing, I just... it didn't seem like a good idea, with those things as my background... I never really thought anyone would see me for more than them. So it was just easier to focus on school and music and to not to even think about it," he said, big eyes moving up to watch his boyfriend's face. "And then you happened. And I don't wanna go back to before."

Kane closed his eyes for the briefest second, waiting until they hit a stop light before leaning in and kissing Blaine slowly. It was like... confirming everything he'd been thinking, to know that Blaine thought about the same things, wanted the same things. "You're so much more than anything that's happened to you, baby. You're this wonderful human being with a huge heart and so much talent, and you deserve love more than anyone else that I know. Knew that from the moment I really got to know you." The words had dropped down into something more of a whisper, but he knew the other could still hear him. "You won't have to. It was the same for me, you know? Dating seemed so harsh and unforgiving throughout high school, or trivial at best, and then after the suicide attempt... I never thought I'd be able to be happy again, much less happy with someone else, and you've given me so much good that sometimes it feels like it's exploding out all over the place."

Blaine , maybe for the first time in his life, actually believed that maybe he was a wonderful human being. That he was more than his own past. That he deserved love at least just as much as anyone else might. Which was something that he preached to anyone who was down on themselves- why couldn't it finally be true for him too? "I'm so glad that you're here. And that you're happy. And that we're together. I love you so much, Kane," he said, squeezing the other's hand tightly. Yes, there were tears rolling down his cheeks, probably at an alarming rate, but there was a smile on his face. A real, genuinely happy smile that reached his eyes. He never thought he was worthy of this, that it was something that might be in his cards. And yet, here he was, happier than he'd ever been in his entire life.

Kane saw something in Blaine that he didn't think he'd ever see. Blaine listening to the compliments (that he'd swear were more truth than anything meant to be complimentary), even if the evidence was on his face instead of anything said out loud. It was enough and it made his own smile waver a little. Kane didn't cry, he didn't, but seeing his boyfriend so happy... the whole atmosphere in the car was one of pure joy, and he wasn't sure either of them had ever felt something quite like this before. "I'm glad you're here too, and that you're smiling, and that you want to be with someone who didn't know how to laugh so genuinely until you came around. I love you, Blaine Anderson, don't you ever doubt that." The words weren't smooth like Blaine's. They were all over the place and a little messy but when he pulled the car over to tug the other man into a hug it's not like that was what mattered anyway.

[maesynmusing]

It’s amazing the first time you really examine your fears around your mortality and the fragility and preciousness of life. I was bitten by a dog 2 weeks ago. Walking down a rural road in Koh Phangon. I was on my way to leave the island when this happened, and had no knowledge of rabies or any protocols for handling its potential in a developing country. (Apparently I should have gone and followed the dog, found the owner, and taken the dog to a vet to get tested). Ironically, at the time I was having a heated conversation with a man I had been with romantically for a while, discussing my upset feelings about a whole slew of deceptions he had been perpetuating in the field between us. It had been clear we were not aligned for some time, but our stubborn loyal natures kept hanging on trying to fix things. The heart wants what it wants, even when the expiration point is long past overdue and red flags and logic abound. He was on the phone when it happened, and his lack of concern for my wellbeing was somewhat stunning. He just stayed cold and detached. His response to me getting bitten by a dog was to remark “the dog bit you because you weren’t being nice to me.” And of course, my metaphorical interpretation was the opposite: “this is the universe telling me that this man just keeps behaving like a dog, and he will just keep on biting me if I keep giving my heart to him. This is a sign i seriously need to let go. Now.” We were both right. And neither metaphor mattered. The deeper concern for me was why he couldn’t drop out of our argument enough to be humanely worried for my health or wellbeing upon hearing that a dog had just bitten me, in the middle of Thailand. …and the fact that… i had just been bitten by a freaking dog… (If there ever were a way to tell that someone probably doesn’t really, actually have the capacity to deeply, genuinely care about you, that’s probably a solid one…) I was in shock at the startling jolt of the bite, and once I realized what had happened and turned around, the dog had run off. I had to go catch my ferry off the island, so I kept walking. I was not so keen to get the rabies shot, having heard of horror stories about its side effects. I researched. I asked around. I posted a query on the local facebook page describing the incident and the location. I got an email from a woman who had been bitten in front of the exact same house, (by likely the same dog), a week prior. She had gone and talked to the owner, and the owner said the dog had been given its rabies shot 3 months before. It liked to bite people who walked past its house. The girl had therefore decided not to get the vaccine either. She sent me a picture of the dog. I was 82.4% sure it was the same dog. We verified mutual locations. I felt comforted. And still 17.6% unsure if it was the same dog.

On top of that, the consensus I kept getting from all my research online was that there hadn’t been a case of rabies reported on Koh Phangon in 20 years.  (Everything on the internet is always fact…right…?) I did find one website that said even if you are bitten by a dog with rabies, there is only a 15% likelihood of contracting it. And that the likelihood occurs more if you are bitten in the upper body, or near the head. I was bitten on the leg. Rabies has a 100% fatality rate apparently, once it sets in, so this was kind of a big decision. Lots of people were pressuring me to just get the shots and not play russian roulette with my life. Hmm. I took my data, checked in with myself, and chose not to get the shots. The wound had barely broken the skin, so I just cleaned it, dealt with the bruises, and moved on. It has been interesting to note, however, the power of fear, paranoia, and anxiety, to invade the mind and poison it despite rational thought. And it is also interesting to note how very passionately we cling to our precious human lives in the face of even the smallest threat that they might be taken away. Much of my adult life i’ve had a subtle on-again-off-again relationship with this painful sense that sometimes I just kind of want to escape this weird world… don’t feel I fit in or belong here on this planet. I never ever ever wanted to end my life, but on days when i just felt so frustrated at my sense that i was wasting my life, (or not accomplishing anything helpful) … there would be lingering sighing thoughts of “someday this will all be over,” or “sometimes i just wish i didn’t exist” (As if eternal conciousness could simply unexist itself) But boy, does it put it all into perspective when there is even the tiniest possibility that your precious human life might be in danger. Suddenly your existence is the single most valuable gift there is. Fast forward 2 weeks past the bite. I’m feeling great. I’ve forgotten all about it. I move into a new cottage on a new island, and the moment i walk in, there is the strong chemical smell. It sends me into sneezing fits. Allergic reaction to the smell?

A headache pops up out of no where. And stays for 3 days. Not just any little annoying headache. A truly paralyzing, brain numbing, can’t-do-anything-except-lay-in-bed-and-press-on-your-forehead kind of headache. I never get headaches. Ever. It was all very strange. I can’t sleep. I am up all night blowing my nose, in throbbing brain pain. I am feeling dizzy. I am feeling achy. There are shivers running up and down my body. Suddenly I bolt upright in bed and research “signs of rabies infection,” and the first thing I see is “headache, dizziness, flu-like symptoms” I pretty much lose my shit. I panic. I call my parents. I try to go to the hospital at 11:00 at night, but it’s raining and there are no cabs. I am suddenly so aware that i am alone in a foreign country, and i am scared. And my life is so, so, so fucking precious to me. Meanwhile my brain feels like it is swollen inside of my skull and my thoughts are woozy. I call my parents and my best friend back in the states, we decide I should go to bed and see how I feel in the morning. Meanwhile, i have also read that another sign of an impending infection is that there will be an itching sensation near the place of the bite. Of course, I lay awake all night, imagining itches all over my legs, and pretty effectively losing my shit. I pray. I breathe deeply. I eventually pass out. In the morning, my head feels better. But I still feel off. At this point, the paranoia is probably worse than the symptoms.

I go to the hospital.

The doctor looks at the wound. She assesses the data and agrees with me when I explain that i didn’t get the shot immediately because i read that they have rarely seen rabies in 20 years. She says she thinks I am fine. She suggests I could go to the larger hospital to speak to an actual brain doctor about my headache, just in case it was caused by my head bonking motorscooter accident a month ago. Being a thorough, self-protective mamabear to my inner child and body temple, of course I go. The second doctor says my brain is fine, then suggests I get the vaccine anyway, just preventatively, for “the next dog who bites me.” Then he also casually mentions that at this point, two weeks after the bite, it’s probably too late for the vaccine to do me any good, even if I was infected. (which i’m probably not) And oh yes, ps, rabies can activate in your body anywhere up to a year or two after being bitten,… and there is no way to test for it. And once symptoms hit, you die within a week. Wowsers. Holy shit. That’s a double dose of reality. I watch as irrational waves of paranoia and anxiety sweep over me. I watch them rise. I watch them fall. Deep in my core I don’t believe I have it. I know I don’t. But that tiny little fractional nugget of doubt – that little sucker is a pesky mosquito! I watch myself become so so so passionately aware of how much i have yet to do in this world. How many missions I am working on that i have yet to accomplish.

How freaking precious this gift of life is.

And how on earth could i have ever taken it for granted, or wished for it to not exist? Even with all the suffering on this crazy planet? I watch this strange sensation of deep paranoia rise up and I breathe into it, replacing it with trust, faith, and the knowing that my life is perfectly planned, and that i am not done here yet. In these times of fear, and war, and rumors of war, where so much hopelessness can arise, and so many people can feel overwhelmed or scared, or want to escape this conflicted world … it was fascinating to experience such a visceral tangible experience of how utterly fragile and valuable every moment is. Like it or not, i was shaken wide awake by this scare, and feel like i don’t want to waste another minute being afraid of life. Or not taking the chances i need to take. Or not facing my fears. Or not taking the actions I need to take to be the best version of myself I can be, to contribute to this world while I am still here. I feel like for the next year or two, I will live with the blessing and the curse of being very very aware of every itch on my leg. And every headache. And every flu symptom. (Itches are usually invisible nuisances, barely on the radar, but now each one on my leg feels like a tingly explosional reminder of mortality’s fragility). I will be very very aware that each day could be my last.
 Which is always true. For all of us. All the time.

So I’m trying to take this scare as a gift. To ground me into gratitude for each day. To motivate me to accomplish my missions. To forgive those who have hurt me, and move on from situations that don’t being me joy. To breathe deeply. To do my daily meditation. To do my chi gong. To ground even deeper into the invisible realm, (because we are all headed there anyway, and it is always Alive within us). Annnnd I just found out that this is the year of the Dog! I am going to choose to see this coincidence as some kind of beautiful initiation into a part of my highest potential that pushes through fear, trusts intuition, and releases painful circumstances. May we all live this precious freaking life with every freaking ounce of heart and determination we’ve got. And run away from dogs on the street in Thailand. That too.

Dog Biting & Fear Fighting It's amazing the first time you really examine your fears around your mortality and the fragility and preciousness of life.

[abynauts]

Storm and Hurricane

Did you know I prefer sleeping more rather going online and just sit in my computer in my spare time??

Hahahaha yeah :) Sleeping is good :) It rejuvenates your mind and body... or just pass time TIME TRAVELLING!!!

Do you love it so much that we can travel into different realities?

Next dream is about adventures, then horror, or a cat-&-mouse chase?? Or sometimes blended with romance ;)

I love sleeping and dreaming, it makes me forget my hectic lifestyle :)

But they also said that, those who sleeps a lot are the lonely ones... apparently I can see that...

A lot of things happened, I don't know where to start... The crucial ones maybe?

I had an argument with my bestfriend, and I apologized through a long letter notary and... I did not go so well.

I had trust issues with everyone I am with in my college life, I don't know if people befriend me because I am nice or

just because I am a daughter of a professor, or... they just want something for me.

Since then, I kept telling my bestfriend what I truly felt, my dormant feelings of anger and loneliness released unto her.

She understands me but when the time that she needs me... I wasn't there...

So that's how it began, bad news pouring here and there :)

Her tweets were the deadliest I've ever read... Somehow I feel like, everywhere I go is about sadness and guilt...

Maybe that's why sleeping was the best escape from me, I won't have to read them or skip on them because I am gone

from that reality...

Does this saddens you? I became even worse, even the person who believes in me is being ignored through sleep...

It saddens me, I can't tell this to any of my friends nor family... because I know the words that they would spill...

Say sorry and tell her how special she is to you. Win her back.

All of those righteous words, I don't think I can muster up the courage to...

Not in a state that I am in, all these college projects and stressful people... I don't know if I am in the right mind anymore

to make amends with her... and I can see her hurting the way as I am...

But I know there are people who are kind and loving to her, because she is someone who is kind and worth loving...

Me? I am a bit worthless...

I wish sleep would also make me travel into time and meet her on the right time and time... or messaged her I can't go.

It's reassuring to see happy... I want to be happy on my very best... even though everything left in me is just broken pieces

of my own conviction and cowardness...

I want to say sorry to everyone who have put up with me, I guess what ever they expect from me is something I will disappoint.

And here is to say that I love sleep... rather than this dense revolving world...

AND THAT WAS dark... and lonely... and pathetic... I don't know... maybe if someone could tell me how to feel...

All I feel is just self loathing... I hope someone can save me, change me... I don't know...

On the other hand... during this semester... I think I must have fallen for someone...

I don't want to say it to be true but I know how it goes haha

I've been in that madly in love state and it was the sweetest feeling ever, knowing that someone likes you...

A genuine feeling that you are a woman in this society haha not just some engineering student huh...

Well, I can say that it was a single ray of sunshine in my dark world...

This person though, he doesn't know who I really am... he can only see the outer me...

Maybe I am assuming things but here are evidences!!!!!!!!

1. He called me before, which was uncommon, he could ask someone else in our class...

2. He teased me before about my face towel, which is... WHY??? you also use face towel?

3. We tend to pass each other, which was uncommon but I really pass by him a lot when leaving the room.

4. His friends cough a lot when they are near lol

5. Once, I made him go first because its a gentlemanly way I could do (I'm a bit boyish hehe), but he insisted I go first and

it was a mini battle of me and him who to go first... in the end, I just let myself go so it won't be a big-a-deal.

6. During dance practice, our bags were moved away from the sun and I am a slow poke and unaware of the that I forgot

about my bag... suddenly it wasn't there, I even grabbed the wrong bag because of the same color. Then I saw him carrying

my bag and his and someone else...

7. When we had practice at the pent house (my place), he wanted to clean the place... I learned he was a neat freak and it

was fun to watch...

I must have ignored the other details but... I found them cute in a way, for a chance I was treated nicely... I remember my golden

days in high school... back then when I was madly in love with this special man... Because of that man, its hard to find a man as

perfect as him... Until this guy in my class came and doing all these weird action of gentleness.

He... he is a neat freak, grade conscious... well, when he gets low grades, he looks sad and all... I can see myself in him sometimes

:) except the neat freak ;_; I am stress all over here and there... He is sometimes funny... sometimes because I don't to tolerate

what every joy I feel LOL <-- see there?? WHAT PART OF DENIAL IS NOT OBVIOUS HERE? ugh... just writing this letter makes

me realize how I feel now... ugh... I also remember, back then we were also classmates and we were practicing for something...

Then I was so early, and so he was... and well I talked to him casually so it won't be awkward...

We don't really talk a lot, no relation significance or what so ever... It was a light and happy mood.

He was chatting our group mates who were no where to be found :)

And I used his phone and made weird chat messages in the group chat. Yep... I was that intensity of childlishness...

He was just there chill and composed :) How do we break this dude's spirit??

Well... that was one of the rare memories I tend to remember lol

He really is responsible, he made our section's remix music for the general assembly of our college :) Also some of the props.

He also looks cool dancing :) Also when he laughs about my dancing, seriously I am slow in everything that I don't get it all...

Atleast I knew he was looking at me... ugh what is this???

You don't just fall over someone who treats you in a way that no one has ever did... but it is really nice :)

Even if everyone you know is almost out of your life, still this kid mans up and show me the goodness in this world...

I wish I could thank him but that would mean I have feelings for him... and it would be painful if this is only one-sided...

Apart from that... before I became aware of these feelings... my friend already called dibs on him.

Hahahaha I guess that would be the comedic way of saying someone had declared their love for someone.

Good for her, being brave enough to tell her close friends about those feelings of hers :)

And those some close friends had the news all over class until it reached him...

Well, indirectly saying to his friend that she is alright but not someone he could return the same feelings...

Still, she shows that she cares, it was lovely :)

She is good spirited, I hope he sees that in her though...

But... she is my friend and I respect her decisions a lot, and its too late but I need to suppress what ever is starting inside my

head... and in my heart...

During our practices, they were pretty close.

Both of them assisting most of the things needed for the performance, their ideas sync together.

I also took photo of them... in commemoration of their fruiting interactions haha

I am happy she is happy with the photos... but I know some needles is prickling my heart at the same time...

The more they talk to each other... I observe my actions to be weird also...

Hurriedly moving away from what ever flame they are starting... fake laughing whenever she tells her fruitful confessions...

I want to be happy for her and so does hoping for him to look at her in a different light :)

Maybe, if I had the chance to love another man and maybe this was the right man... but at a wrong time and place...

Maybe I could fall for him... irrationally... secretly... til it disappears...

It is still a blissful feeling amidst this storm...

[sanguinesprout]

Just write... don’t think too much... ugh... impossible... It hurts... (Bittersweet feelings of the past, some self- encouragement and general happenings)

It’s really difficult, especially difficult lately. I’m not sure whether these physical symptoms that have been plaguing me for some time have resurfaced on their own, or whether they’ve been exacerbated by the tremendous amount of stress I’ve been subjecting myself to, but it’s knocked me back quite a lot. Both physically and mentally, I’m so exhausted and so pained, it hurts so much. I feel like I can’t do anything again, there’s no joy or desire to do anything, my motivation is almost all shrivelled up, concentration span is -1000 and I’m still ever so frustrated with myself. I need to take a deep breath and stop beating myself up about things again.

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and was thinking about it a few days even before that so I have completely forgotten what I wanted to write. Happens pretty much every time and I’m such an idiot but w/e, oh welp and never mind. Spontaneous is the way to go!

The past few days, or weeks I’ve been really in a sort of nostalgic-ish sentimental kind of mood. Mulling over the past isn’t something I want to keep doing because well it sucks demotivates and side tracks me usually, but in this case it was kinda unavoidable and sometimes reflecting is good too. I’ve been tidying a lot of the stuff in my room lately, trying to declutter and sort through some stuff that has gone untouched for years. Things like toys from childhood, books from school, even some old photos and things like that. Seeing them all again feels so bittersweet. So much has changed, the things I used to love and find big and amazing look so small and old now, it fills my mind with memories and also sadness. I’ve never been allowed pets so the stuffed animals I had were very dear to me and made me feel safe, seeing them again made me feel horrible for boxing them away for so long. The feeling of being replaced or thrown away is such a horrible thing, I feel really guilty about it, but it’s also something I feel like may have happened to me idk...

I am always worried about growing older and having not accomplished anything, being a burden... It’s one of the reasons I am scared to reconnect with past friends or put myself in view of relatives on places like Facebook. I imagine all those people are happy and successful unlike myself. I mean I’m only assuming this and I’ll never know how they’re doing really, but they were definitely much more functional than I, that’s for sure. I even dreamed about them a few times lately, made me remember some good things and bad things, it left me feeling pretty wistful and upset. I do miss them a lot and I wish I tried harder to stay connected but being there on FB was just such a bad experience for me and everything else at the time was already too much to handle, I had to run, I had to disappear... :< There’s so many more specific things, reasons, events which I could mention but I’m not ready to write about it, or I am too scared to or may have remembered wrongly. It pains me so much to think back about bad times, but it’s probably all my overthinking that was the real cause of the problem idk... ;;

I also went back and looked at every account I’ve had on the internet that I could remember. Some linked to more that I had forgotten even, but in general they all weren’t used for more than a year or two. Most of these were from like 7-8 years ago when I was most active and well... I’m sure I’ve written something like this before but I still write pretty similar now, though much less sort of goofy and hyper lol. I saw I wrote some things that I probably would never even think of writing now or feel would be much too personal in a way to disclose so freely. I would favourite and comment a lot more and just generally try reach out and message people much more easily. I was still anxious about things I posted and I mentioned my worries frequently, I remember still trying hard to fit in and only partly succeeding, and I openly wrote 'my life sucks’ in some of my profiles lol. I want to regain some of that confidence or carefree-ness I had before or to find some new ones. (Sounds like I’m talking about buying shoes or something, but I am too lazy to think up a fancy coherent sentence rn lol.)

There’s a lot of friends I talked to then and well disappeared from, but some of them also disappeared. Things happen and there’s a lot more important stuff that requires focus on for everyone. Maybe like these times I’ll be able to forget my most recent escapes and losses of friendship as time goes on. Though the last time was different... there was conflict while in previous ones I just faded out. The conflict really affected me a lot, much more that I could even comprehend, I feel it may have even sparked a lot of my current illness. I looked back on some things from before the conflict happened and it’s such a shame how something so happy and sweet can become so sour so easily. I miss the happier times I experienced and I wonder how all the people I’ve ever talked to online are doing. I hope they are well and I’m thankful that they were my friend, no matter how long or short that may have been, it still meant so much to me. 

There is still one friend I occasionally message and a few still within reach now. I feel bad for staying away from them, but my priorities lie in improving my health. I keep feeling like I’m being selfish, but looking after yourself and your health is of the utmost importance. I was a little happy when the friend (and past friends) said they wanted to talk to me recently or times before when they’ve said before that they enjoyed messaging me, it made me feel... well, not worthless, which is very nice and touching and I hope my own words may have warmed their hearts just as much too :’>

Something I was also able to take away from my little nostalgia dig is that I was a good person and still am. Not to be bigging myself up or anything, but I just want to remind myself of this for all the times when I decide to hate on myself and bring myself down. I know I have a good heart (figuratively at least lol) and that I am someone worthy of friendship, even if at times I feel I don’t deserve it. I liked to help people and also admire people’s work with great enthusiasm, while being appreciative of their comments and it showed. I should cherish myself more and give myself credit for what I have been able to do instead of beating myself down with doubt and self-loathing. 

When I looked the art I had posted before all those years ago, I felt pretty impressed by myself and kind of proud, which is very motivating. There were plenty of flaws, a lot that I worried about and even mentioned repeatedly, but there were people that genuinely liked my creations and the actual content, even if experimental was very good even in my own eyes ^^ Even if it sucked, I still continued and wanted to learn to get better. Now I am always afraid of trying things, always unaccepting of the flaws and instead striving for the unattainable but failing and ending up paralysed instead. Sometimes effort is not equal to a good result and sometimes it is, sometimes unintentional things can be great and intentional things can suck, sometimes... no, at all times I just need to go for it and praise myself even for just the act of trying, no matter the outcome. ‘Perfectly imperfect’ or ‘free and me’, maybe those are the styles I can strive for instead C:

Anyways, now I’ve had a look at the past, it’s time to get back to the present where everything matters most. I’ve been going shopping, to the park and stuff like that quite a bit again recently, it’s been nice even though I wasn’t feeling that good and the weather’s been pretty erratic as usual. I haven’t played Just Dance for probably over a month now lol, I actually got the newest one and haven’t even tried it, my focus has just been elsewhere or maybe just nowhere. Despite this, I think I am still feeling alright physically, besides the possibly stress/anxiety induced pains. I have lost a little weight, probably from my cleaner-ish diet, and it feels less tiring when I do go out and I feel a tiny bit more confident which is good, I hope lol >< My skin has been even awful-er lately and that knocked back my confidence though :c I kind of took the time to pamper myself yesterday, it was nice after such a long time and I’m glad I put the effort onto doing so even though it was hard :3 

I started watching this Korean drama (’Heart to heart’) a while ago, which I had high hopes for, as it was centred around a girl with social phobia(or that’s what the summary said, but she actually has agoraphobia which is well, different) and a psychiatrist but I lost interest in it fairly quickly. It’s just a typical Korean romance drama dressed up a tiny bit differently, with the lead male (the psychologist) having the stereotypical rich, arrogant, selfish personality which is completely illogical and unrealistic for his occupation and some other hand wavy cliche things. Me and my sister were watching it while my parents were there. Before watching it I was thinking it could maybe give a slight insight into how I feel, but it was much too... too... idk it feels like the topics aren’t treated seriously or are exaggerated for maybe comedic effect. I feel I expected too much. Also the second lead guy is an actor I kinda like and his personality is the total opposite of the lead (kind hearted, heroic etc.), but knowing the lead girl will probably end up with the mean lead guy is just so annoying. 

My dad was asking why the character is so weird and my mum just doesn’t watch it at all, she has something against Korean dramas in general and since the topic of therapy has been around with me lately, it probably put her off more... My sis even said to her that I specifically wanted her to watch it, which really freaked me out. Something I took away from it is that I don’t want to reach the point which the main character was in, I know that sounds really mean and that what she has is different but it scares me to think about it, the extent in which someone would go to avoid interaction and if that someone could end up being me (though I know very well how unlikely that’d be). She lives alone, can’t speak up to anyone, literally runs away from interaction and she does things like grow vegetables in her house so she wouldn’t have to go to the store etc. (That was one of the things my dad was commenting on amusedly and enquiring about). But she also knew how to cook and drive a scooter and she could go out with confidence when in disguise etc. which is so much more independent than I, though she doesn’t really have a choice if she wants to survive. 

Uh I shouldn’t be comparing myself to a character lol... or anyone else for that matter... The drama is interesting in a way, but the typical rich snobby characters and cliches irk me. I actually don’t have the energy to watch anything at the moment in general most of the time anyways... it sucks... >< 

Something I’ve been thinking about for a long time.... I just feel like maybe knowing what’s wrong, or pushing myself in the direction of what I feel is wrong with me may turn out to be a self fulfilling prophecy and I really wouldn’t want that at all. I need to wise up more and wait for official help, it’s really difficult to not want to self diagnose myself with avpd, though I kind of already have been doing so. I am still waiting for contact about an appointment, and well there’s been nothing so far, seems like it’ll probably be a while before I begin getting anywhere there. It’s disheartening but I can keep being patient and trying on my own still like I have been doing at least.

There’s lots of things I’ve been wanting to do and thinking about them is overwhelming, especially because of how I feel there isn’t enough time because I go about things so slowly. But I know I also waste a lot of time just worrying about it, wallowing is sadness or getting lost in other thoughts. There is enough time, I’m just not using it as much as I could, but it’s really hard with that mental block always being there. I’m thinking of that Confucius quote again, about being slow and it not mattering, it’s pretty nice and reassuring. I haven’t done totally nothing these days, I did quite a few things and maybe none of them are near finished, but if I just push a bit more maybe I’ll do just that. No more pushing myself down and instead let there be more action! I can do it! I can keep going! :D

Wow this post got long lol, but I did write it over quite a few days and w/e I can write whatever and however long I want, stop worrying silly me! This your blog to do with as you like after all! I may not be feeling good right now, but it won’t stop me from doing things. I wanna make awesome stuff and kick ass and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do hoohah! Alrighty, motivation up! Let’s go~~!! C:

[maiassensibleblog]

Why I do fandom and how I think we should do fandom

[Views are entirely my own and not aimed at any person/people in particular. This is also a bit outdated from my personal views, but I’m keeping it up cos personal growth is important to show.]

fandomˈfandəm/ noun

the state or condition of being a fan of someone or something. “my 17 years of sports fandom”

the fans of a particular person, team, fictional series, etc. regarded collectively as a community or subculture. “the Breaking Bad fandom”

-Google

I’ve been doing fandom for a long time…

From ever since I can remember, my life can be split into series of very intense fandoms. I grew up with the growth of the internet. I remember it feeling fairly new and exciting when my mum got us a dial up box but I was young and it has kind of always been available to me. The internet fuels fangirls: We live online. Some people think this is a terrible thing, that we’re missing the actual world, but it’s a whole world on there and, an awful lot of the time, it’s a much better, more accepting world.

Harry Potter was my first fandom and has been constant and underlying through everything else I’ve loved. I threw myself onto mugglenet as soon as I had the internet at home. I don’t think I was allowed an account on the forum as a kid but I read the posts and felt “yes, these are my people. I’m not that strange. There are other people who re-read the Harry Potter books on a constant rotation.” I think I was probably in this fandom from the ages of 9-12, mainly watching from the side-lines but having a sense of home.

Then I had the typical tween fandom phase: Zac Efron and related movies. Like EVERYTHING. I was so intense. This was back in the day that youtube was used as social media. I’m pretty sure I liked it so much because my mum wasn’t really aware that I was talking to strangers on there, she just thought I was looking up videos of Zac’s abbs (not entirely wrong but a pretty good cover up, well done 13 year old me!). I made my first fandom friends. We chatted all the time on MSN. It sort of allowed me to separate my obsession and my “real” life and I think it made me a bit less annoying to my school friends.

My mum was amazing with this fandom. She used to take me to premieres to meet him and I would get this shaky, butterflies feeling for weeks afterwards. I, of course, mistook this for being madly in love with him. Spoiler alert: actual love feels completely different to this infatuation but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing for me to experience as a young-mid teenager. If you fancy a celebrity it’s a completely safe expression of your sexuality. This is why I think girls tend to be a lot more intense than boys in fandom: culture doesn’t allow us to express ourselves in many ways and this is seen as totally innocent and acceptable.

Somehow, in all this, I found the energy to count down to the last Potter book for 100 days and get 13 A*-C GCSE’s. And have non-fandom friends. I sort of fell out of the fandom when I was about 15/16.

I then moved onto Doctor Who when I was about 16-21. I think this is when fandom started to become more about the “fandom” than the actual TV show for me. Fandom is literally a kingdom of fans and it is honestly a family of lost, crazy young people who need somewhere to express themselves. I was pretty intense but only really to the people in my fandom (obviously my non-fandom friends knew I loved it) but the friends I made (hello, Kinglets) are still some of my dearest. We’re even going to be bridesmaids at the first wedding in the group.

We go to conventions together, we go the all the actors plays together, we’ll go and find them if they’re filming in London. But mostly, we’re really important friends. I know that I can go to them for anything and that intense start to our friendship has made them really deep.

The Cursed Child fandom

And then we get to now. You can see my post about Cursed Child here. But in short we are binge-watching a play because we’ve sussed how to get tickets pretty much whenever we want them. It is bringing me so much joy and it feels really, really intense: way more than my pervious fandoms. Most my fandom friends live in or close to London because that’s the only way you can really watch the play constantly, some of them I even met at stage door and not online. The reason this is so intense is because it is so accessible. Many of the cast are really active on social media and (if I wanted to, had absolutely no shame and nothing better to do with my life) I could go to stage door everyday.

Since this fandom has been so intense and I’ve been very visible as more than just a username there has been a lot of controversy about why I am doing this and whether it’s appropriate. We have constant conversations on the group chat about if certain people are taking it too far and how and why. They’re just discussions and nobody in that chat thinks they have the right to judge the others because we’ve all got close to that invisible line in the past 6 months but where does the line stand for different people? Obviously we all draw the line in different places based on our perspectives on life. Is it even our responsibility to police each other? We’ve often thought we were better than the younger members of the Cursed Child fandom because we don’t tweet the cast everyday to say we love them and we don’t scream and cry at them (not sober anyway, and we’ve learnt our lesson on that one). But does that make us better? Do we have the right to judge anyone?

Why I do fandom

The reason why I am doing this is easy for me to decode. Fangirls tend to be the clever, successful young people. The popular kids were not and will never be one of us. We have busy lives and we’re really easily bored. I am always thinking and always inside of my own head: if there isn’t something for me to focus on I get fidgety and frustrated. But if we’re the clever kids, how is this intense obsession not taking up all our brain space and preventing us achieving our full potentials? I find that it’s easier for me to focus on my studies when I’m intensely part of a fandom. It helps to give me tunnel vision; with just my work and my fandom to focus on, I have less to be distracted by. I’m a scientist; my success relies upon my obsession with my work. It is already very intense and in order to take effective time out, it helps to be obsessed with my hobbies too.

Second, fandom is my creative outlet. I have to be so calculated and methodical all day and that isn’t all I am good at or enjoy. Writing fanfiction lets me write without having to take the time to develop my own characters because I’m way too busy with my work. Having theatre friends lets me go and see everything and talk about plays in a way that a room full of scientist will never want to. And it gives me a group of people who encourage me to pursue creative hobbies rather than telling me it’s a waste of time.

Finally, and perhaps more importantly, this fandom gives me intense joy. Both watching the play and hanging out with the friends I’ve made through it. The fact that I can experience that joy over and over again and express that to the members of the cast that are bringing that is an absolute blessing. And therefore I am not going to stop doing it because people are jealous or are worried that I’m annoying somebody. This doesn’t mean I won’t adjust my behaviour if somebody has a point but I know why I’m doing this and it’s all because it makes me so happy.

How should we do fandom?

The question about where we should draw the line is much more complicated. We definitely freaked out some of the younger cast members when we started obsessing. This is also a unique fandom because these people are the same age as most of us, we’re adults and so have the awareness that this is, if you really think about it, quite weird. Its taken a few months but I think we’ve reached a balance where we all understand each other. They don’t need to have their guards up with us, we’re joking most of the time. We’re not the fans who are going to follow them to the tube station; we don’t have their twitter notifications switched on so we can reply to them 2 seconds after they tweet anything just to tell them we love them and we aren’t going to hover around stage door except when we’re meant to be doing so after the show. We genuinely appreciate their art.  

But should we stop going to stage door when we’ve seen the show? And is it wrong for us to go when we haven’t been in and our friends have? It has reached the point that if anyone is watching the play anyone who is in the area will go and meet them at stage door and just hover behind them because we want to see our friends. I don’t actually get a buzz from seeing Sams’ face, but I do get a buzz from seeing one of the collective. My intention is not inappropriate so I think its fine. Others do not think its fine but I’m not hurting anyone and as long as we’re aware that we should be as respectful as possible, I think this is all good. I’m also never going to stop going to stage door while people seem happy to see me. I’m actually quite perceptive and think I’d be able to tell if people were genuinely done with me.

But I do think that, to some extent, it is our responsibility to police each other. I think that, in general, fandom-policing is a waste of time because you can’t control people who are as intense as we are, and you shouldn’t. But I think that we are an actual group of friends and a sub-fandom of sorts, who have such open access to this play and its cast that we have to follow our own rules and should remind each other to do so. We don’t want to be known as annoying and we don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable. I don’t appreciate when people outside of our group tell us to behave a certain way because they have no way of knowing the context of what we do or previous conversations which may make some things ok for us to do, but not others. But I do think it’s important for us to continue to discuss where the line is to keep having an amazing time.

Fandom is an intense experience for everyone involved. The only way I can describe it to non-fandom people is that it’s like when you fall in love really quickly but it’s with a whole group of people and a thing, all at the same time. It’s a bit like falling but it’s amazing. Of course this leads to insanity for both the members of the fandom, who are loving it, and the objects of it, who are probably confused by the whole thing. If we want to be seen as responsible, adult fandom members it’s so important to keep checking ourselves.

This intensity has hit me as complete and utter joy since I saw Cursed Child for the first time last June. The friendships I’ve made have been so important and are valid and real. We don’t have to justify ourselves to the rest of the world and we aren’t hurting anyone.

I know that I’m a bit annoying and obsessed but as a wise man once said: “Some people are obsessed with heroin” (Daniel Radcliff).