#like its just the thing of im STUCK like my brain wont let me relax until this is done. but i can't DO ANYTHING YET

[ectonurites]

dying rn i have a graphic for work i need to finish because we're trying to make an announcement tomorrow. but we are still missing two of the necessary headshots. so i like have this thing 95% done but. can't finish it until these ppl's agents get back to us 😭

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[rgbtrio-once-in-awhile]

sleepover at slingshot's cafe :3 (ft. monoxide leak)

at the café, it was about closing time, Slingshot had flipped the sign, sent everyone else home, and was tidying up the place for when it opened for business again after the weekend.

what he didn't expect, was Skateboard bursting in, and calmly informing him that there was a monoxide leak in his apartment and he needed a place to skedaddle to in the meantime.

the café owner plopped the skater in one of the seats, clearing off the tables of their items and storing them in the back. keeping an ear out for anything he might say, while also being productive and cleaning up. Skateboard was making little pyramids out of the free toothpicks, Slingshot took away the chopsticks before he could ruin a set or two.

"so yea, i was just chilling, and turns out there was a carbon monoxide leak, and that's why my head was all dizzy."

Slingshot froze, staring at Skateboard, mouth agape. "the- i'm sorry what??"

"yeah!" Skateboard snickered, taking the situation much lighter than Slingshot, clearly. "pretty crazy not gonna lie, glad you don't mind me stayin here for now Sling! by the way, you uh, get a haircut recently?"

Slingshot couldn't tell if he should scold the other, or just bite his tongue for now. "right.. so, i'm sorry, how long was the leak going on? because if you've somehow acquired more brain damage than you probably already have from ramming into walls-"

"relax! my head's on right, trust me, Sling." Skateboard grinned, tapping his helmet adorned head with a smug look.

"uh huh.." Slingshot glanced to the side, flicking his tail, going to the other tables in the café and wiping them down rather than making a counterpoint. to which Skateboard crossed his arms and scoffed jokingly.

"so mean to me! tell me again why i cant just crash at bb's place?"

Slingshot huffed, she'd be getting her café closing duties done a lot faster if Skateboard wasn't there.

"because he's out at a gig tonight, and its/ rude/ to show up uninvited, cough cough."

Skateboard pouted, propping an elbow on the table, his jaw rested in his palm. even the free toothpicks weren't entertaining. and Slingshot seemed dedicated to not being fun. Skateboard then looked up, deciding to get up from the table, and as quietly as he could, tried sneaking toward the kitchen/backroom. however a small paper ball whacked him in the head.

"what- 'ey!!"

Slingshot twirled his namesake, before a smile broke onto his features. sighing and walking over to the red horned demon.

"you know what, I'll let you back here. just this once, cause otherwise you'll probably spontaneously combust. but im supervising you, got it?"

"aye aye, captain!" the skater spoke with a grin and a faux salute. dashing into the back as she chased after him, feline tail swishing.

Skateboard had grabbed some snacks, consisting of chips, a loaf of bread, two cookies, and a few of those funny marble melon and strawberry flavored sodas from Thieve's Den. going back to the main area. setting his treasure on the table, clapping his hands together and interlocking his digits. making a business proposition to Slingshot.

"alright, hear me out Sling. you let me make a lil' fort out here, by the time i gotta head out, I'll make it look good as new, and I'll wash a round of dishes, yeah?"

"..two rounds."

Skateboard would've huffed, or shown annoyance, but getting to build a fort in Slingshot's cafe was practically a dream. he stuck a hand out with a toothy grin, he was beaming.

"deal!! you wont regret it Slingyy!" Slingshot didn't even get to shake Skateboard's hand before he ran off, scouting the area.

using his street knowledge, Skateboard could spot his materials. if you were smart, like Skateboard was in his own opinion, anything could be a wall, or a roof, or a violation of some law the big purple one was mad about now.

Slingshot just shook her head, smiling. even if it was an absolute pain at times, she was a big fan of how energetic her friends were. it made things fun, and Slingshot, while she tried to be more mature, and succeeding in her opinion, she was silly, and liked running around, living in the moment. going in the back to get some unused fluffy curtains to contribute.

the skater demon was ecstatic when he found out the other was joining in making the fort, as a duo they made it even better. a stack of tables made up the lower walls, with chairs as the secondary walls. the feline demon grabbed an umbrella from the outside seating, brought it in, and used it for a roof.

laying out the fluffy curtains, as a more comfortable flooring inside. at that point they shed their shoes, not wanting to dirty the floor of their awesome fort.

Skateboard at some point, retrieved his snacks and put them in the corner he named 'the rad corner', of which Slingshot was banned from. Skateboard was in his corner, sitting criss cross apple sauce or whatever he called it. snickering as he typed out something on his phone. the blue demon was sitting with his legs folded under himself, chewing on a frosted cookie. eyes narrowed, he looked at the giggler in the corner, suddenly suspicious.

"..Skate. what are you up to?"

his head shot up, staring at Slingshot in silence. before a grin appeared on his face as he spoke in a sing-songy tone. "guess who's joining the forttt?"

Slingshot was quiet, then groaned, pinching the space in between his eyes. "no way, you're /not/ bringing the dude with the crystal i swear-"

Skateboard burst out into laughter, cutting off Slingshot. "oh, nah! you don't gotta worry about having a catfight. 'sides. he's out.. somewhere, probably campin out somewhere. trust me, i told him i was gonna crash with you and he dipped." he paused for dramatic effect, when Slingshot opened her mouth, confused about the silence, Skateboard spoke again super quickly. "it's our good, lovely pal, Boombox. his gig ended so he's comin over now."

Slingshot let a breath out, relieved. Boombox was honestly, a pretty pleasant guest wherever he was. made sure people have a good time, while also not being reckless in the name of 'do it for the vine' like… a certain demon.

"oh, actually. yeah. that's fine. he's coming in the fort then?"

the skater gave a shrug "i aint gonna make him sleep on the floor." he blinked then clarified. "the non-curtained floor! i mean."

"i figured."

Skateboard had popped his 2nd marble soda, Slingshot reminded herself to start charging him. when the front door was knocked on. the feline demon was about to get up, when the other had already gotten up and dashed at the door. a familiar DJ at the doorstep.

"yo! glad you made it B!" Skateboard grinned, offering a fistbump as Boombox laughed. fistbumping in return, and giving a nod of greetings. Boombox then looked behind, seeing Slingshot and giving her a wave.

"hey Sling! woah, this place looks completely different. going in a new business direction?" the green horned demon spoke, jokingly at the end as he looked at the big fort in the middle, and the big umbrella. it was pretty hard to miss after all.

Slingshot opened his mouth, but only silence came out as he looked at the fort and grinned sheepishly. "its uh, long story. anyways, you wanna come join us?" Slingshot shook his head, smiling and walking over to the other two, offering a fistbump to Boombox as well, tail curled upward.

"alright, fair enough. and of course i wanna join in dude! this seems like an awesome slumber party." Boombox looked around the main structure, eager to see the inside. his LED visor flashing to two upturned semi circles. "you two gotta show me around yeah?"

Skateboard giggled, his tail wagging back and forth, grabbing Boombox's hand and dragging him over to the entrance of the fort. to which Slingshot could be heard trailing behind, calling out about Boombox's shoes to be removed before he got drug in by a certain skater. to which the green horned demon did, of course.

Boombox's eyes widened, which they wouldn't be able to seeing not for the LED visor switching to star eyes. grinning as he was guided inside the fort, seeing the cushions scattered around, the fluffy curtain being used like carpeting. and of course, Skateboard's snack corner.

"woahh, you guys really outdid yourselves! i think this is probably the best fort i've seen. in a café nonetheless!" he spoke, walking around the medium sized area, it could comfortably fit the three of them easily. glancing at Skateboard's snack corner and pointing. "are these up for grabs? i could use a snack or two to be honest."

Skateboard dashed over, as Slingshot watched with an amused smirk close by. "woah woah, see, this is /the rad corner/! only super radical demons can enter and take from the stash!"

Boombox blinked with slight surprise, as Slingshot snickered and shook her head. "oh? then.. am i a 'super radical demon'?"

Skateboard narrowed his eyes, putting his hand on his own chin as he looked over Boombox, who stood there with a semi confused smile, unsure what was going on. but absolutely willing to go along with whatever bit Skateboard was partaking in. Skateboard took Boombox's arm, lifting it, then setting it down, then poking his horn, as if inspecting a car or something. before stepping back and smirking.

"hmmm.. i think.. you pass! you're rad enough to enter.. THE RAD CORNER!" Skateboard shouted with a grin, sticking his hand out for a highfive to which Boombox reciprocated with a hearty laugh.

"aw, hell yeah! thanks man."

"woww, so you let him in but not me? i'm totally- ..why am i arguing against this. i can literally get as much stuff from the back as i want." Slingshot crossed his arms, speaking teasingly. before mentally facepalming at engaging in Skateboard's antics. even if it was pretty fun.

Skateboard laughed a bit and started poking Slingshot's cheek repeatedly. "you're just mad you cant get in the rad corner 'cause youre not rad enoughh!"

Slingshot swatted his poking hand away, Boombox laughing at their interactions. Slingshot then grinned and spoke again. "oh yeah? well- hows this for not rad enough??"

before either demon could react, Slingshot had leaped at Skateboard, tackling him to the soft flooring. to which the skater yelped, thrashing and rolling around with the other. they were tussling around playfully, grinning as they both tried getting the upper hand on the other.

Boombox couldnt contain his laughter, watching them scuffle in the fort. until he saw them about to slam into the main support of the fort the large umbrella. to which he quickly crouched over them and tried to push them away from it. pushing Slingshot off, causing him to roll to the ground next to Skateboard, as Boombox hovered over the both of them.

Boombox had a warm look on his face, calming down from his laughter and gesturing to the umbrella pole, tapping it with his horn. "yeah, i know i didn't exactly make this, but i've got a feeling that's important?"

Slingshot and Skateboard blinked, looking at eachother. Slingshot sat up and rubbed the back of her neck. "yeahh, might be a /bit/ important that doesn't go down. and Boom? thanks for not letting us get totally crushed, by the way. that would've.. sucked a bit."

Skateboard shook his head, sitting up as well and smiling a bit sheepishly. "yeah, my bad, bro. ..anyways it was totally Sling's fault-" he got cut off by a smack to the back of the head. pouting as he shoved Slingshot's face.

the DJ simply rolled his eyes, even if it was concealed, his visor displaying down-turned semi circles. "i think you both kinda started that. anyways..!" Boombox grinned, the room a little quiet for his liking. "you guys mind if i play somethin? i'm thinking something more chill since its getting late out."

the two agreed, letting him know it was all good and to go ahead. they always liked when Boombox played music from his namesake, it was pleasant, and he always seemed to have others in mind when he played a song. perfectly tuned to their tastes, especially when playing music for people he was as close to as Slingshot and Skateboard.

Boombox started up a playlist he had pre-made, playing some relaxing, lofi hip-hop beats. Slingshot nodded her head a bit as the first track started. giving Boombox an approving look.

"oh yeah, nice. i like this one. thanks B." Slingshot spoke, flicking her tail and getting up, smirking at Skateboard and offering a paw to help him up. to which he rolled his eyes and took, standing up with her help.

Boombox gave a nod, feeling happy that they were happy, like a warmth being transferred to him. Slingshot then looked around a bit, then spoke. "you guys tired? i could head to sleep about now to be honest."

Skateboard shrugged, he wasn't exactly tired, but wouldn't mind getting comfortable. Boombox had a similar sentiment, though he himself was pretty tired. DJing was fun, and lively, but even he had to rest. and he was more than happy to.

Boombox responded verbally. "oh, sure. i'm good with wrapping things up. we sleeping in here?"

Slingshot smiled and nodded, tail flicking a bit. "yep! i mean, its gonna be the most comfortable spot in here. now cmon, we can all sleep right.. here." he pointed to a spot with the ground covered in cushions, with the fluffy curtain draped over. "hope you're all good sleeping in your clothes, i don't exactly have pajamas tucked away in the kitchen or anything."

Skateboard shook his head, but decided taking off a few things might be more comfortable. shedding his skating gear and putting it in the rad corner. "nah, its all good with me."

Boombox smiled, seeing Skateboard and deciding that was a good idea. shedding his various accessories, bracelets, tie, gloves, and such. setting the smaller stuff in his hat which he set in a corner. sitting down where they agreed to rest, unbuttoning the top button of his button-up shirt. not wanting to choke in his sleep or something somehow. and unclasping his visor from his horns. blinking and subconsciously squinting as he was met with a familiar, blurry world. setting his visor to the side somewhere safe, he sat in the middle and waited for the other two.

Slingshot snickered, seeing Boombox's squinted eyes and knowing he was seeing practically nothing. going over and sitting on Boombox's right. putting his head on the others shoulder. mumbling to him, yawning a bit. "they should call you Blindbox, dude."

Boombox had a flabbergasted expression on his face, before snickering and attempting to shove Slingshot, but missing the other's arm entirely. face heating up with embarrassment as his hand collided with air. put his face in his hands semi jokingly. "whatever! i don't need to be taking this.."

"there there.." Slingshot says, somewhat teasingly as he pats Boombox's back.

seconds later, someone collided quickly into Boombox. he flinched, looking up from his hands with a yelp as he felt Skateboard jump right next to him on the other side. "hey..!"

then the aforementioned demon threw his arms around Boombox and dragged him down to lay back on the cushions. to which Boombox let out an 'oof'. their horns bonking together, to which Skateboard murmured a sorry. but Boombox didn't mind, allowing himself to be maneuvered by the other as he laid back and relaxed, letting the gentle music run through his head.

Slingshot shuffled around a bit. curling up to Boombox's side, paw rested on the other's chest. tucking his fluffy tail across the DJs stomach. the fur tickling Skateboard's arm, who had them laid across Boombox's waist. Boombox let out a contented sigh, laying his head back and shutting his eyes, happy to be held there by the two. Skateboard had his face basically pressed face-down into Boombox's shoulder, not wanting to poke him with his horns.

Slingshot was close to falling asleep, but smirked, looking at Skateboard, then Boombox's closed eyes. and beginning to gently purr. a rumble coming from his throat as he snuggled close to the demon in the middle. Boombox's eyes opened and widened in surprise, looking at the blurry shape representing Slingshot and smiling softly. finding it adorable yet incredibly comforting.

"mmm.. that's awesome. goodnight guys. love you." Boombox spoke, looking up at the 'ceiling' of the fort. the warmth on either side of him taking a familiar red and blue color in his mind.

Skateboard spoke, word's muffled by Boombox's shoulder, not feeling like just simply lifting his head for some reason. "love ya too. you too Sling."

"..love you guys too. 'night." Slingshot spoke with a yawn, resting her head and shutting her eyes. the purring continuing as she fell asleep though.

Skateboard was the next asleep, with Boombox close behind. the three demons tangled up together as they slept peacefully within the walls of the fort, and also the walls of the café itself. they hardly stirred during the night, comfortable in eachother's hold.

[daydream-believin]

The Never-Ending Roadtrip (waffles)

summary: (part 1) or (part 5) <- reader joins douxie on his quest to protect nari. he’ll need company wont he. (part 6) do you like waffles? also appalachia and nj trollmarket fun. next-> (part 7)

warnings: swearing, fem! reader, maybe an alcohol mention, proof reading is for squares yo

word count: 3875

a/n: i’m sorry to anyone from PA but wtf. i also have no idea why this turned out the way it did. bon apetit.

no gif im trying to test something

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Y/n looked over at Douxie. The blue of his hair was starting to fade into a duller hue. While not as bright and bold as his personality, it was still very nice to look at. This muted blue was softer, almost comforting in a way. Y/n found herself running her fingers through it. It wasn’t just the color that was soft. Like feathers in her hand, she gently caressed the strands. The duller color made him look tired, older, and the permanent bags under his eyes didn’t help. She placed her hand on his face and ran her thumb over a said eye bag. He gave her a very subdued smile in return. His sunken eyes were so beautiful. Her favorite color. Or colors, one should say. They were like an earth toned opal. Y/n’s hand drifted down his face. She used her thumb to explore his cheekbones, tracing constellations in his freckles, and finally settled on his mouth, tracing his cupid’s bow. Douxie couldn’t help but break the stoic face he was trying to hold.

“As much as I hate to ask this, and I really do, but will you please cease what you’re doing, My Love. I’m trying to drive here.”

“Yes, I would also like to ask you to stop, miss L/n. Not wrecking the ship is worth you canning your pda for a while.” Archie added.

Y/n pulled her hand back and exaggeratedly pouted. She teasingly stuck her tongue out at Archie for good measure, but couldn’t help but dissolve into a snicker right after so it wasn’t very effective. But really, it wasn’t her fault that Douxie’s beautifully sculpted face was right there and demanding to be touched. She tried to distract herself by focusing on the scenery around them. North Pennsylvania was delightful, so it’d be a shame if she spent the whole time that they flew through it looking at nothing but Douxie. There was plenty of time for her to do that the rest of her life. It’s not like she didn’t have every freckle memorized already. Every single adorable little dot. Right, Pennsylvania. Appalachia. Y/n was a little disappointed they didn’t manage to go through West Virginia, being as north as they were. She really wanted to know what all the fuss was about. Country roads.

The mountains were hard to transverse through, so Douxie took the boat up high in the clouds. A little too high. The oxygen was thin. While this didn’t affect Archie the dragon or Nari the plant goddess, Douxie and Y/n were getting a bit woozy. Neither would get altitude sickness to the point of dying, thanks to that good ol’ curse of immortality, but their minds weren’t exactly operating at high speeds here. They passed through a low hanging cloud in a puff of fog.

Though they were over it, just being in the range of Appalachia felt odd. There was a presence that clung to the mountains. Even flying high up in the air, one felt as though they were being watched. Like the thousand eyes of the forest were upon them. Looking down below, hanging over the edge like Douxie hated her to do, Y/n saw a herd of deer that might as well be ants. Watching over the herd was a bigger, or maybe closer, stag on a peak of some sort. His antlers were covered in crimson. Y/n hoped he was just shedding.

There were pathways cutting through the trees below, some roads, some manmade trails, some rivers, some troll trails, and some deer trails. Some that wound around in endless curves, some that seemed to start from nowhere and stop at nothing, some that went round and round in a circle, and some that crossed over each other, effectively creating a maze of sorts. Y/n didn’t know why, but she was glad she was above the trees and not in them. Something within her gut told her that as beautiful as the scenery was, she did not wish to experience it first-hand. The deer below were beautiful, but there was something not quite right about them. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to turn down a game of ninepins either, and she could really go for a drink.

Douxie’s brain may have been foggy, but he could certainly see Y/n hanging over the edge again, tantalizing him. He couldn’t help but imagine 174 ways for it to end badly. He’d been pretty passive about this before but now that they were so high up, he had no choice but to be up front now.

“Y/n, My Love,” Y/n turned her attention to him, which also pulled her weight more towards the boat than the sky. Good. “do you mind being back near the center of the ship? I really don’t like you draping yourself over the railing like that.”

Y/n was getting sick and tired of people always trying to keep her away from edges, advising her not to climb the mountain, telling her to stay inside when there was only a light rainstorm. She could handle it. She wasn’t a fucking porcelain doll. She was not wearing a fancy gown that suffocated her, she could speak, her lips were not perfectly painted on. And she wouldn’t shatter. “Relax, Dewdrop. I’m fine. I’m not just gonna go skydiving for kicks. If anyone has had a penchant for falling through the sky recently, it’s been you, Hisirdoux. I can catch myself with anti-gravity spells, like you taught me. Besides, we walk across tall, crumbly, ancient non-osha compliant walkways all the time. You never had a problem then.”

“Well,” He huffed, “it would be one thing if I was there next to you, but I’m not, so could you please just try to stay safe when I can’t reach you?” Y/n was taken about at how quick his tone went from annoyed to desperate. She furrowed her brows. Doux sighed, “Look, it frightens me, okay. I know that nothing will happen, but what if it does? I can’t- I can’t lose you.” His tone got even feebler in his pleading. “And there’s so many ways to lose you. Especially with the Order on our tails. Please, just give me this peace of mind for at least one thing.”

Y/n stepped away from the railing, crossing over to Douxie. He opened his arm and she nestled into his side. Pressing her head against his chest, she mumbled, “Absolutely. I’ll just—I’ll just stay here then. Next to you. I’m sorry I worried you. That was the last thing I wanted to do.”

He leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head. “Thank you, My Darling.”

~ ~ ~

The dipped down south to go through the top of Maryland and completely through Delaware to get to the south of New Jersey, in place of just going through Philadelphia. The city of brotherly love was not on the itinerary.  Philly, and the top of New Jersey, were just too densely populated to take a magic boat through. The airspace was filled with airplanes and skyscrapers. It was easier to go the roundabout way.

As they passed between Philly and Lancaster, they went by fantastically named towns such as Paradise the city, where the girls are pretty, Bird In Hand, Blue Ball, and Intercourse. Stellar. Y/n was starting to really like Pennsylvania. It was cursed ground. She made sure to get photographic evidence of every road sign. Douxie was happy to pose with them.

They took a pit stop in a town called Peach Bottom before leaving Pennsylvania. Y/n wanted to go through New Texas, since she was curious how somewhere in the original colonies could be a new Texas, but Nari could sense a river nearby, and wanted to seek it out. Peach Bottom. It was a cozy little town with a power plant that was dumping it’s waste into the riverside it was built on. Toxic river. Fun. Y/n made Douxie explain to Nari why she couldn’t get near the river or touch any of the water. Y/n wouldn’t have been able to stay as calm as Douxie could. There was nothing happening in the rural Pennsylvanian town. Nothing special about it unless you counted their countless nuclear admissions. The locals didn’t care for strangers, and that was alright with them cause they didn’t want to be here for any more than necessary for a restroom break. Dinner could wait.

The top of Maryland was great. Lots of rivers to make it up to Nari. There was just, an incredibly large walmart near the line. Just absolutely humongous whopper walmart. A leach whose name doesn’t even deserve to be capitalized, thank you very much autocorrect.

It took less than half an hour to fly right through the top of Delaware. Hi Delaware, bye Delaware.

Soon they were on the coast of south New Jersey, headed for a sleepy town called Monty. Monty was a town along the Cohansey, split across it with quite an impressive bridge between the two sides. As soon as the bridge became visible on the skyline, Y/n grabbed Douxie’s sleeve and tugged excitedly. She looked up at him with a big smile. Rest. At last, they were going to get to rest. Y/n made herself busy calling Jim to let him know that they were there so he could call someone else to let them know that they were there and to wait by the entrance for them. Neither Douxie nor Y/n had a horngazzle on them at the moment. Y/n had had one in her possession back in Arcadia, being book club buddies with Blinky, but alas that was destroyed along with their bookstore.

They hid that damn magic boat in the forest. While they did plan on staying with the trolls for a few weeks, Douxie didn’t put it back in its glass bottle quite yet, cause they were in fact taking it into New York not tomorrow but the next day. He covered the ground around it with a few more wards than necessary. Y/n threw up an illusion spell around it, as she had been all the other times they’d just left it in the woods, and thought the wards were overkill but didn’t say anything. They started on the trek to the base of the bridge.

The troll at the entrance greeted them cordially. He was a dark green color, with two massive horns resembling those of a longhorn cow, chiseled stone tattoos, and no clothes other than a tiny loincloth which made everyone but Nari uncomfortable. He let them in with flourish, as if he’d always wanted to do this and practiced it.

“Welcome to NEW JERSEY TROLLMARKET.”

Y/n was surprised at how well the town had come along within the two months the trolls had occupied the cavern. It wasn’t the Trollmarket she had known, there was no Blinky and no library, but still marvelous. The new hearthstone glowed warmly, very much alive and not making zombies. While looking pretty similar to the old Trollmarket, with a multitude of shops and homes carved into the mineral covered walls and formations, there was a sort of human touch to it now. Claire definitely had a hand in the planning and maybe the decorative features too. Or perhaps Jim. Y/n wouldn’t put it past the boy to be the one who designed the very elaborate crystal art flower bed she was looking at. Or that weirdly steampunk bridge. Funny thing, a bridge under a bridge.

Dictatious met them soon after they came in to show them around and to where they would be staying. The tour he gave them basically just included him walking them through the main street, waving his arms to various places and vaguely saying that they were shops but not what they sold, pointing out the pub, and then took them straight to their accommodations. Since the home that had been occupied by Blinky, Jim, and Claire was now empty, they’d be staying there, with the place practically to themselves. Dictatious also lived in said home, but rarely stuck around it for long now that his brother was gone.

“Alright, here’s your nest.”

Since Dictatious still slept in the nest that he shared with Blinky, he had given them Jim and Claire’s. The nests were just rocky bowls carved into the floor of the room, with a few comfort items. Thankfully, Jim and Claire had left theirs full of pillows and a couple thick cushions they must have taken from a couch. Unconventional, but better than sleeping on literal solid rock. Speaking of couches, there were way too many couches spread across the apartment. This entire place only had two rooms, a large living area and a nestroom, and yet there were five couches. Not to mention the extra-large easy chair Dic was currently lounging in. Okay, so one of said couches was technically a love seat, but still. There was no kitchen, which was surprising due to this being Jim Lake Jr’s home, and no table besides the one that three of the sofas were gathered around and a paper-covered work desk against a corner. There were glowing crystal lamps all throughout, lighting the house. All in all, interesting interior design decisions. The kids had definitely been trying to make it a more homey human dwelling but had limited options.

Nari nestled into the nest, happy that there were no blankets to smother her. Not even a minute passed and she was out like a light. Douxie and Y/n sat on one of the couches in the nestroom, watching the veggie lady snooze. Archie made himself comfy in Douxie’s lap, who absent mindedly stroked his familiar’s fur. They were underground now. Surrounded by inorganic matter. Some of that inorganic matter could fight, would be willing to fight, would probably be disappointed if there wasn’t a fight. The little devil on Douxie’s shoulder wasn’t really having to work hard. His stomach growled. They had opted to just not stop for dinner in favor of plowing right through their trip route. It was late, and dark, and Douxie really just wanted them to have a roof over their head before midnight. And now they did.

He looked over at Y/n. They had been a couple for an entire day now and he had yet to take her on a proper date. What a bad boyfriend he was. It’s not like Archie would want to come with them or anything either, since he filled himself with birds that didn’t know what hit them while they traveled. The dragon had even caught a hawk at one point, which wasn’t as impressive as it sounds, since Archie was a much faster flyer. He would be happy to watch Nari for them, surely. And Dic had given them a horngazzle so they could come and go as they pleased. It was settled then.

“Arch, watch Nari for us, please, we’ll be back in a pinch,” He grabbed Y/n’s hand to pull her off the couch, “C’mon, My Love, we’re going on a date.”

~ ~ ~

Turns out the only thing open past midnight in small town New Jersey was a waffle house. The perfect date. Y/n had thought it funny to watch Douxie try and deactivate all the fresh wards he had put around the boat. He had to be careful where he put his feet, and it was like he was doing a silly little dance. Ward trap ballet of his own barely thought-out design. At one point he stepped backwards to admire his work, triggering the ward behind him, and Y/n had to free him from the net. Lucky it was just a net one.

Entering the waffle house, they slid into the nearest booth, the one near the jukebox. They ordered what else but waffles. The food of kings and hungover college kids. Not just plain waffles, though. Douxie got chocolate chip and Y/ got strawberry, and they were going to combine them to make chocolate covered strawberry waffles. Everyone knows chocolate covered strawberries were the most romantic food, why else would they push them so hard around Valentine’s.

Douxie leaned in with his head in his hand. “So, tell me about yourself.”

Y/n laughed, decided to play into this bit. “Oh, I’m just a California lass, on her way to New York. Things have been crazy lately. Went to a very convincing renaissance faire, I’m harboring a fugitive, my roommate keeps hitting on me. Very stressful.  Sure am lucky I came across you, Mr. Handsome.”

“Lucky indeed.” Doux snickered.

Y/n pointed to the jukebox behind Doux, which he twisted around to see. “Have you ever heard ‘Last Night I Saw Elvis At Waffle House’?”

“No?”

“Oh, it’s a banger.” She got out of the booth and put a coin in the juke, making her selection. She slid back in with a Cheshire cat grin and Doux was kind of scared now, actually. As the current song ended and the song that they were waiting for began. Well, it was a song. About seeing Elvis in a waffle house. With a country tune he supposed someone thought was catchy in order for them to have recorded this. Douxie didn’t know what he had expected.

“Uh, wow.”

“Yeah, Ain’t it something. I loved this song when I was knee high to a grasshopper. All the waffle house jams really.”

“Your aunt let someone bring you to a waffle house? That’s not very proper.” Douxie chuckled.

“Oh, no, actually. Um, this was before my dad passed and my mother, ah, slipped.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Douxie rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry I mentioned it.”

“No, no. I’m fine Dewdrop. I can talk about it, really. And, like you said the other day, I’ve been focusing on the Now Love.” The silly waffle house themed song was still playing despite the air of seriousness that had fallen over the duo. It helped keep Y/n from getting too sad and dwelling on the memories she had just brought up. It was comical, really. A waffle house song keeping her grounded. She rubbed the palm of Douxie’s hand. “I still mourn my family, but it’s been so long that the pain’s but a dull ache now. As long as I don’t think too hard about it. If anyone knows about mourning it’d be you, Doux. I can’t imagine meeting hundreds of friends over my lifetime just to watch them all grow old and die while you just have to go on living.” She paused, eyes drifting downwards, “But I suppose that’ll be my fate anyways.”

Douxie reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s actually not that bad, once you get used to it. You just have to enjoy every bit of time you get. That’s what makes other magic friends so valuable, there are some permanent players on your team.” He let his hand linger under her jaw, pulling her face closer to his, “You have me. We have each other. We’re family. We always have been.”

“So I hate to interrupt, but, waffles.” The server put the plates she had been holding down onto the table. Douxie and Y/n pulled away from each other quick as lightning, sitting up straight in their seats. “Again, sorry guys.”

“Thank you.” The two chorused to their fleeting form in embarrassment. Their faces were fire engine red. Archie was right, they did get a little carried away with the pda. It may have been 12:28am in a waffle house but they were still in public. Grabby hands needed to be kept to themselves.

After dinner, neither Doux nor Y/n could bring themselves to go home quite yet, despite the nagging feeling to return to Nari. They loitered around woods, unsure of what to do. Leaning against the parked boat, Douxie got an idea. He put on the music on his phone, turning the volume all the way up and positioning it so it’d put out a better sound the best he could. The playlist he selected was actually the one he had of songs that reminded him of his beloved. Copying what Y/n had done last night, he held out his hand.

“Come on, dance with me, My Darling.”

Douxie twirled Y/n around in the night breeze that blew through the trees. This song was much faster than the one they danced to last time, and there was more energy between them. Y/n’s laugh echoed through the forest. This was a lot of fun, she could do it all night. Honestly, she could do anything all night if it was with Douxie. He lifted her up, like she weighed nothing. Seriously, how strong was this noodle armed wizard. She threw her arms around his neck, looking down to meet his eyes, a rare thing. Y/n kissed his nose, eliciting a happy giggle from his mouth.

He should have put her back down by now. Instead, he still held her up, transfixed by her face ringed in moonlight, like a halo. She noticed the awestruck look on his face, kissing him properly, yet it did nothing to pull him out of his stupor. He had one thought running over and over in his mind. Marry me. But, he couldn’t say that. A proposal had to be special, not after a waffle house date. Their first date, mind you. He couldn’t possibly jus-

“Marry me, Dewdrop?”

Well apparently he couldn’t but she absolutely could.

It took him a moment to take in her words, shocked out of his overthinking. The biggest grin spread across his face as he giddily spun her around in his arms. He finally put her feet back on the ground, crashing his lips into hers. Y/n brought a hand up to drag through his hair and left the other to slide down his back. No battle for dominance, Douxie’s tongue was definitely the one leading here. He just couldn’t believe it. It was if she had read his mind. It was still hard for him to believe she wanted him in the first place, but this much? If this was the afterlife he must surely be in heaven. One makeout session later, Y/n rasped “So I’m guessing that’s a yes?”

“Let’s sign the papers tomorrow.”

~ ~ ~

Despite the uneasy feeling they had both had about leaving Nari alone for so long, she was perfectly fine. In fact she hadn’t even moved an inch form the spot they left her in. Like they never left at all. Archie was asleep on that couch, as peaceful as ever. They’d tell him the news in the morning.

Y/n climbed into the nest and dragged Douxie down with her. After getting comfy on the array of cushions, he opened his arms and she nestled into his chest. She could feel his hands rest on her back. Perfect. It was calming, listening to his heartbeat, being lulled to sleep with the rhythm that gave proof that her beloved was alive. A steady beat that reassured her he was there, he was there. He wouldn’t leave her again.

*** check notes for chapter illustrations lmao

[shhh-no-ones-home]

december 18 - chris motionless

title: die hard for the holidays

++++

prompt: Person A has secret feelings for person B. person B has secret feelings for person A. one of them suggests having dinner together for the holidays since neither of them will be spending time with their families and all their other friends are busy

request from: @svintsandghosts

tag list: @musicsexandpizza69 @alilpunkrock @cynic-spirit @theoneandonlykymberlee @thisplace-ishaunted @lifeisabitchandsoareyou 

@xyours-eternallyx @joeynihil 

++++

i looked over his newest Instagram post and sighed. god was i that desperate? simping over my best friend? of course i was, but we'd known each other long enough that i knew nothing would ever come of it. when my phone dinged it almost startled me, prompting me to look up at the new text notification. it was my mother. i sighed, opening it and reading it.

"dads sick, doctor says its viral so we wont be able to do Christmas this year. i hope you and your siblings can get together to do something else but if not that's okay. we both hope you have a blessed Christmas anyway and will be mailing gifts out in the next week. love you."

i hummed to myself before answering her.

"hope dad gets better soon and send him my best. i don't see any of them making plans to get together but i guess we'll see. ill mail gifts too if you're okay with that and hopefully ill see you in the new year. love you both."

i closed my phone and set it upside down on my chest, rubbing my hands over my face.

"so much for getting out of the house."

i said to myself. then my phone dinged again, making me roll my eyes in annoyance. to my surprise though it was a text from Chris.

"mom cancelled Christmas this year cause they won a cruise lol. you doing anything?"

i sat up abruptly and typed back.

"my dads sick so mine was cancelled too. when and where do you want me? lol"

i waited patiently for a second before seeing a new message.

"hope he gets better soon. but how about Christmas eve, dinner at my place?"

i nodded quickly to myself.

"ill be there."

---

when the day finally came i wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. we'd hung out millions of times but this was the first time we'd be together for Christmas alone. usually we all had a party with the band and other friends but that was pushed to new years. lets just say i was beyond nervous. plus he told me to dress nice, whatever that meant. no matter what it meant to him, here i was stood in front of my full body mirror, looking over the sparkling blue velvet dress i had on.

"this is too fancy."

i said, moving to my closet. as i started flipping through things i heard my phone buzz. it was Chris.

"you on your way?"

i looked to the time. shit, it was almost six.

"getting my shoes on now. ill be there in fifteen."

i replied. so much for changing. i grabbed a Christmas jumper and pajama pants just in case and shoved them in a bag, pulling my heels on and running out the door. the car ride was fairly quiet, apart from the light Christmas music playing through the radio and my complains about the snow. i wish i would've known it was supposed to snow but it was a little late for that i guess.

as i pulled into his apartment complex parking lot i could see his Christmas tree through the open window. it looked nice, covered in colorful lights and shiny ornaments. i got out of my car and walked quickly across the lot and up the stairs to the second floor, knocking on his door and shivering as the snow flew around me. when he opened the door he offered a wide smile.

"hey! how's it going?"

he asked as he pulled me in for a hug. i breathed in deeply, trying to warm up.

"I'm good, and you?"

i asked as he let me into his apartment. i still felt over dressed, even seeing him in his button down and tie, the two peaking out from under his sweater.

"oh ya know, same old same old. i hope you're hungry, cause dinners about ready."

he said excited and i laughed.

"you know me, never not hungry."

i said and he sent me a knowing look.

"how about you go sit, and ill bring it out."

he said, motioning to the made up table. i nodded.

"you sure you dont want help with anything?"

i asked and he shook his head.

"of course not, you get to be the guest this time, now go relax."

he instructed.

"okay, okay, im going."

i said as he pointed, a demanding look on his face.

---

after dinner we both worked on dishes and things before moving to the couch, the lights all out except the tree as he looked for a movie to watch.

"im glad we could get together for this."

he said, clicking the remote and i smiled.

"you and me both. i think this is the first year i would've been alone since moving out of my parents place."

he laughed a little bit.

"you and me both. even when im not home i still usually have the band to be with."

i nodded solemnly.

"speaking of which, how are they all doing? i feel like i haven't talked to any of them in a while."

i said and he shrugged.

"theyre as good as they always are, keeping busy thats for sure. but youll get to see them for new year."

he mentioned and i nodded.

"yeah i guess so."

it was quiet for a moment, and i looked over him, his focus still on the tv.

"got any suggestions?"

he asked and i hummed.

"uh, no, not really."

i said bashfully, catching his eye when he turned his head with a frown. i guess i wasnt exactly making it subtle that i was staring at him huh? oh well.

"how about die hard?"

he asked and i laughed.

"oh yeah, a christmas classic."

i said sarcastically as he clicked on it.

"you know it."

he said, setting the remote on the coffee table, settling back into the couch. i thought for a second before slipping my arm into his and resting my head on his shoulder.

"you cold?"

he asked and i nodded, looking up as he pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and down over me.

"thanks."

i said, getting comfortable against him again. we sat like that for most of the movie, until i heard him yawn, then he moved to rest his head against mine. i smiled to myself, sliding my hand slowly into his as it rested against my knee. when the movie finally ended neither of us moved.

"ya know, it looks pretty bad out there, maybe you should stay."

he said, never once looking away from the tv. i could feel a small smile making its way to my lips as we sat there cuddled together on the couch.

"you sure? i wouldnt want to be an inconvenience."

i said, feeling his head lift off mine and prompting me to look at him. he squeezed my hand.

"you're never an inconvenience. and besides i wouldnt want you to get stuck in the snow or anything."

i smiled at him.

"i guess i cant argue with that logic, huh."

i confirmed and he nodded his head once.

"great, we can watch another movie then and then go to bed together."

he said, freezing for a second.

"i mean, uh, not together together. but, like, uh-"

he said, flustered, tripping over his words. i pressed a finger to his lips gently.

"its okay chris. i get what you mean."

i said and he sighed.

"fuck it, i did mean together."

he said, slipping his hand out of mine and bring it up to cup my face. he pushed forward and kissed me fervently. a thousand things rushed through my brain at once as i melted into his touch but at the moment none of them mattered. all that mattered was that he felt the same. when he pulled away i didnt open my eyes just yet, sitting there trying to engrave into my memory exactly what he felt and tasted like. when i opened my eyes he was staring down at me, his lips sucked in like he messed something up.

"wow."

i said softly, laughing a little bit.

"im sorry, i shouldn't have done that."

he said, looking down. i shook my head.

"like hell."

i said, making him look to me in shock. i grabbed his face and kissed him again, his hand moving to the back of my head as our mouths moved together. when we both pulled away for air we panted lightly, smiling at each other like idiots.

"it took ya long enough."

i said, making him laugh.

"merry christmas y/n."

he said, stroking my cheek lightly with his thumb and i could feel a blush rising to my face.

"merry christmas chris."

[dumb-naive-bitch]

I'm kind of really glad that nobody reads this page of mine anymore, so then I can vent to myself about how I'm truly feeling at this moment, and put it into words without being judged or told to stop complaining.

I know 2020 has been rough for a lot of people, but its extra hard on us who thought every other year was rough to begin with. Im sick of waking up every day knowing I have to go through the same fucking motions over and over and feeling like my life is going nowhere and yet I'm just getting older, fatter, uglier, etc. Its depressing on top of my depression. It doesn't matter if you have a decent job in this day and age because you still won't be able to afford shit. You won't be able to live in a house or apartment by yourself unless you want to be mortgage/rent poor. Im going to school and I dont even fucking want to because what's the point? If you don't have a doctorate, you once again wont be able to afford shit even after you have a degree. Im over 70 thousand in student loan debt and I have absolutely nothing to show for it, with roughly 30 to 40 thousand more to go to get a basic degree that will probably increase my current pay by 5 dollars an hour maximum. How fucking exciting and motivating is that? Like what is the point of living if you can't afford to do anything or have anything despite working hard for years and years? I'm honestly so over this fucking mundane every day bullshit that has no purpose because why even bother staying alive to not be happy? I dont know what is more annoying then people saying "money can't buy you happiness" because I would slap the fuck out of that person right now. Money would keep me from wondering if I'm going to be able to pay my car payment, or the 10 credit cards I racked up because buying small things like clothes/shoes is one of the only things that makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to. Other than that, I have my dogs which I would die for, but honestly that causes me more stress and anxiety than I ever care to admit.

Its exhausting feeling trapped in a mind full of stress and worry and no light at the end of the tunnel because no circumstance in my life can ever change drastically enough to erase the despair that has become my reality. Ten plus years of major depressive disorder and anxiety with no relief because of once again not being able to afford the proper resources to get better, well that just sounds like a full circle, never-ending fuck of a life doesn't it? People out there who have it good just say shit like "start over," "find what you like to do," "get a different job," like how does any of that sound possible when you have no money to do any of those things? I'm so tired of everything being hard for me. Every fucking thing in my life is hard, yet other people get everything handed to them. Why? Do I want everything handed to me, fuck no. I rarely take help when offered because I'm not a charity case. I want my hard work to pay off, but you cannot get ahead in a society such as ours because everything costs so fucking much that you have to pick and choose between necessities. So basically, as a lower-middle class citizen its impossible for me to be happy and also live within my means, and in SC I make more than double minimum wage. How the hell to people who only make that afford to live? Or have anything nice? They will never be able to be independent, because affording housing for yourself with that salary is damn near impossible.

This short release of emotions I had planned in my head turned into a much longer bitchfest then I intended, but its just hard to go to bed every night knowing I'm still going to be me when I wake up. I truly cannot do it anymore. Im also so sick of worrying about how others will feel if I just die. They never say "I understand it must be hard for you to have to live like this every day, so I respect your decision because it is your life." Nope, they say shit like "just think how I would feel, or how so and so would feel if you were gone." Like why am I the selfish one in this situation? Because I don't want this life for myself? So fucking sorry your lives are so fucking great that you couldn't possibly see this through my eyes. No amount of telling someone how you feel is going to change how bad they truly want to hear it. Sick of trying to explain my feelings to people who don't really care to hear it, and definitely not understand it. Probably why I need a therapist. Oh wait, can't afford one so I will continue to suffer within my own thoughts and feelings.

They wonder why suicide is so fucking common among young people. Like do you see what we have to deal with? Besides the topics I mentioned previously, what about constantly seeing celebrities flash their endless shiny and fancy shit all over social media and the instgram models making you hate your fucking self for wanting to eat. Don't follow them? It doesn't matter if you do or don't because you will see it in ads or on one of your friend's pages anyway. You basically need to live off grid, grow your own food, live in a cabin in the woods without any form of media or form of entertainment whatsoever to rid that shit of your life. I also do not want that, so here I am yet again stuck again. Pitty me, pitty me hey? I dont have it that bad people will say. I have somewhere to live, a car, a job, blah blah blah. Like they know a single fuck about what races through my head all day every day. The stress, the feeling of failure, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being trapped, the feeling of whats going on behind my back in my relationship, the feeling of why don't I have the motivation to do my school work, or finish the 5 projects I started, or go for a walk or run, or workout, or eat better, or want to do anything other than sit on my fucking couch and watch TV while my brain continues to race subcontiously, or why the fuck I cant just be happy? It's because not everyone is satisfied with the "simpler things in life." I want to be able to have options in my life. Like if I see something I want thats going to make me happy, I want to be able to buy it. I want to be able to go and travel to do it. I want to be able to relax and not have to worry if I buy or do that thing am I going to be able to pay my bills or buy food. Its debilitating for me. I am controlled by this disease that never lets my mind rest or be happy. Life is simply not worth living if it has to be this hard every day with no sign of a possibility to be better because of the circumstances I have been exposed to. You can't change certain things no matter what and those are things that im not willing to live with anymore. Im suffering and thats not what I want for myself. I want it gone, and for me I only have one option and I'm okay with it. I've been okay with it for over a decade now and that's never going to change. Period.

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[sparkly-angell]

Stuckony Fic Rec because why not

*= series

ATTENTION! LOST ARM (If found please contact:) by Fakesheep-luna Teen, 8k Bucky doesn't understand why everyone is so worked up. He just went out for a few drinks, made some new friends and passed out in a dumpster. No big deal! "No big deal??" Steve squeaks, throwing his hands up in the air "You lost your arm! And you don't even remember how!" "Well, at least it wasn't the good one."

Guys!! This fic is comedy approved! its really good, made me laugh a lot, and the plot? amazing. Go read!

Break In by Tenspencerriedplease 7k Scott Lang, at least, understood why Tony hated this stupid job so damn much. He had a Masters degree in engineering but Tony was working on a PhD. Unfortunately for him even with his previous experience and schooling- good schooling- he was stuck working in a knockoff version of McDonald’s meets Subway. At least he works there until he meets Steve and Bucky.

askfjnsfdjsn aaaaaaaa I love gang AU and this one is Great. Highly recomend!

Brooklyn Boys - Bakey Au* by Quicksylver28 Teen/Mature 27k Tony is a bachelor college professor who walks into Steve and Bucky's Bakery/ Cafe. Awkward Flirting ensues.... and fluff, we wont forget the fluff.

ITS SO SWEET! Pun intended. Gosh, I wish I could eat all those baked goods. Sounds delicious. Anyways, the fic is sweet. Peter is a good friend.

Bruises and Drunken Heart Tattoos by Akira_of_the_twilight Teen, 6k An older man in his thirties was standing over Bucky with a bottle of aspirin in one hand, and the fingers of his other hand still gripping the rim of the cup he’d set down on the nightstand. Amber eyes blinked at Bucky in mild surprise. The man’s lips curved into a teasing smirk. “I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

I wanna hug Tony so hard over the course of this fic. It’s cute the way they fall in love. And it’s also funny. 

Canvas, Ink & Paint* by Ficlicious Teen, 11k Bucky's got one goal: to rescue a captured SHIELD agent and get out before the guards realize he's not one of them. Unfortunately, apparently he's also got soulmates, and when their messages and sketches start appearing on his skin, his mission becomes a complicated mess of trying not to get caught covered in their ink.

!!!!!! I love soulmate aus and this fic is one of my favorites!! Poor Bucky, tho, he was just trying to do his work. Go read!! 

Carrier by Just_another_tinker Explicit, 49k Steve and Bucky gift Tony with their jacket that survived from the 1940's. Turns out that wasn't the only thing that survived.

YALL. SO. MUCH. ANGST. and with a happy ending? someone said Pining? PERFECTION. I love the group dimensions in this fic. 

Comic Books and Kings by Ashes0909 Explicit, 10k Tony Stark read Captain America comics and everyone knew it, but it was only ever about Bucky Barnes.

Freacking great! Tony having a crush on Bucky before his crush on Steve? Godsent. 

Coffee Love* by Syriala Good, 8k Tony thought his best day was when Steve walked into the coffee shop he was working in. That was until Bucky came in a few days later.

The fluff!! The flirting!! Their kind of pining! *heart eyes*

Cried For Love (Can’t Stand It) by Potrix Explicit, 7k Bucky braces his hands on his hips, and tilts his head to the side, expression caught somewhere between anxious, confused, and nervous. “Well, shit.” “Yeah,” Steve agrees, worrying at his bottom lip, and rubbing at the back of his neck. “That can’t be good.”

Steve and Bucky become spirits and Tony blames himself (which he shouldn’t but thats Tony for you). I love this fic a loooot! (and i wanna hug tony a loooot too)

Difficult Conversations by Yumekiumono Mature, 34k HYDRA had brainwashed their Asset into silence, and then muzzled him to boot. It's not that surprising that Bucky no longer considers talking to be one of his strong suits. So why does he keep having to have difficult conversations? Or, the road to loving Tony Stark is never an easy one.

!!! Man! Tony/Bucky is strong in this fic, but also Steve is there and he is cute. Ive read some WinterIron fics with a similar plot, but the fact that this is Stuckony makes it 100% better. 

Don’t Say It by Bibliomaniac Teen, 35k Tony Stark is autistic and nonverbal. Which is fine, obviously, except for it means that Steve and Bucky don't have his words, and it only takes him a few minutes to decide they don't need to know he has theirs. That's also totally and definitely fine, until he goes and falls in love with them.

So. Fuckin. Good! Soulmate au. Its a must read fanfic. For real. The pining and the angst. Gosh, Tony is the best fuckin person. He doesn’t deserve all this pain.

Eagles by Spqr Teen, 6k Natasha presses her hand over her heart, and – Tony has heard rumors, that her skin is blank, or that she killed her other half, but he doesn’t believe them. “They deserve to know, don’t you think?” “They’ve been together for ninety years, Nat,” he says. “They’re practically married. There’s no room for me.”

Gosh!! Another soulmate au. Me addicted in them? yes. This one hurts more. I think i really cried while reading it. But has a happy ending so its worth it! 

From Winter’s Cold by 27dragons Explicit, 64 Thanks to one of Thor's crazy stalkers, Tony finds himself stranded in the past. If he significantly changes the course of history, he might never get home again. The choice, when it appears, turns out to be not nearly as difficult as he might have expected.

I simply love this fic. One of my personal favorites! Tony is taken back to 1945 and he finds no one other than.... Bucky. Go read! 

Liebestraum No.3 in A Flat by Daecyan_Shikoba Teen, 10k I humbly request to the pianist: Liebestraum No.3 in A flat

Im actually just doing this rec because of this fic. sfdjnsdkjfsn i love it SO much. Pianist Tony has a crush on his neighbours and has anonymous requests to play the piano. Its great. This fic is so relaxing to read.  

Long Distance by Notevenclosetostraight Explicit, 44k At the end of a bad day, Tony gets drunk and texts Rhodey all his woes. Except he typed the wrong number, and has been texting someone named Steve– who is blond, 28, teaches art and somehow charmed by Tonys drunk rambles.

Go read!!!!!!!! Its cute, full of sexy times and fluff. 

Hands by ezazahaz Teen, 1k He pushed harder, feeling the suit start to crack under his metal hand, the arc reactor giving way. Just a bit more force, and it might push through the grafted skin and false sternum that had replaced the device that had once been a part of the man. This time, instead of saving the man's heart, it would crush it, and he could never hurt Bucky again, never hurt Steve again. Bucky has a nightmare.

I know this one is smoll. But! it’s full of emotion and hurt/comfort. It’s cute. Mostly Bucky/Tony

Hollowness by amobisan Explicit, 63k It feels like a hollowness, when Tony first realizes. First sees. And the first thought, the first thought his useless, traitorous, genius brain can come up with was "At least this time when he leaves, it wasn't your fault."

So. Many. Feels. Tony is so selfless and sad it’s painful. But there’s also so much fluff!!! And a Lot of sexy times. 

How Good You’ve Got It by Orphan Account Mature, 2k Tony was only trying to work on deciphering Loki's power signature, which admittedly what Steve would call 'poking an angry brown bear with a pointy stick'. But if he could just- Shit. It wasn't supposed to do that.

Goddamn. One of my favorite fics!! I’ve already reread this like, three times. It’s small, I know, but the plot? Incredible.

Me through Him to You* by sahiya Teen/Explicit, 71k “You’re sick, you need someone to look after you. This mission could take a couple of days, and I want you in one piece when I get home.” Tony sighed. “Why do you care?” Steve’s mouth twisted unhappily. “I hope that’s the fever talking.” He stepped closer. “When I get home,” he said, so quietly that Tony didn’t think even the nosiest of their nosy friends could hear it, “we’re going to talk, all right? Until then, please let Bucky look after you. Consider it me looking after you, through him.”

First fic: sick fic, sick fic, sick fic!! Fluff!!! Love! Second fic: all. the. angst. you never knew you needed, with ahappy ending, tho. 

Not Like That At All by Catchclaw Explicit, 8k One last gig. That’s what Steve tells himself this'll be.

Hilarious! I s w e a r it’s so funny. I mean- theres a lot of smut that happens but the end? comical. And sweet. Go read!

One Date Wonder by Arukou Explicit, 20k Every week, the same guy comes into Steve and Bucky's diner and every week, he's got a new date on his arm. Guy just can't seem to catch a break, and after a particularly bad date, Steve and Bucky start taking matters into their own hands to help him out.

Sweet, cute, fluffy! Poor Tony I want to hug him :’( Amazing Diner!Au, a must read.

Pretend You Don’t Know Me!  by Aknightofagoodking Teen, 16k Peter forgets that his class is taking a field trip to Stark Tower. Tomorrow. ["So you want us to pretend we don't know you that well?" Mister Stark asks, looking somewhat unhappy. "Yes! Exactly! Pretend I'm actually just an intern. Can you do that for me, please?"]

Ok, so this focus more on Peter. But Stuckony as Peter’s dad? Isn’t that just the best thing in the world? 

Scientific Heresy by Antigrav_vector Mature, 34k In the process of running the particle accelerator in his basement and fixing the arc reactor, Tony finds himself flung into the past where he has to take on a fight not his own if he wants to get home to stop Vanko. At least he had a chance to replace the old rector that had been killing him with the new one before everything went sideways... But now he has no choice but to face off with family, friends, and old heroes, and none of that sounds remotely appealing. Well, okay, getting to meet them all during their glory days kinda does.

AAAA Ok, I love time travel stories, so i might be biased a little, but this is the best!! There’s a lot of action scenes which are great and engaging. It’s a must read. 

That Damn Flight Suit by Orphan Account Explicit, 2k James and Steve make a very interesting discovery about what really is under the Iron Man suit. Cue awkward boners, oblivious Tony, and slightly possessive super-soldiers who really don't want to share his...assets... with the world.

I mean- It’s smut. 

The Sex Shop Around the Corner by sadieb798 Mature, 16k Tony really hates his job. When he tries to figure out what he wants to do next, Tony decides that instead of making weapons for war, he should make things for pleasure. So he decides he's going to open his own sex shop.

cmon, tell me this isn’t the best au out there. skdjfsdkfsn but for real tho, the fic is full of fluff, some pining and kind of a mis communication? perfect. 

The Shirt by Sailorchibi Explicit, 3k How an impulsive decision that Tony made at sixteen and an equally impulsive decision that Tony made at forty-three combined to have the best outcome ever.

Smut. Again. But its damn good as well.

The Stories We Write by Notevenclosetostraight Mature, 33k A question at an interview leads to Steve and Bucky discovering fan fiction, and after piles of coffeeshop au's and fake dating tropes (and screaming over ABO fics) they find an author that writes some of the best fics they've ever read-- reader inserts starring a dark haired, dark eyed male reader as their shared love interest.

This fic is so freacking amazing!! Steve and Bucky are such nerds. Tony is mostly unaware until--

Thats it!!! Hope you enjoy reading them all :) If you want more, you know where to find me ;)

[tumblunni]

Aaaaa life update

I now do not know when im gonna be moving to the assisted living mental hospital camp place. It was supposed to be today but then i rescheduled to the 6th cos i was having trouble preparing on short notice and then i had a stupid disaster of running out of my antidepressants and being unable to get my next perscription until 3 days too late. I crashed REAL hard from going straight up cold turkey out of nowhere, i was real fuckin scared of my own damn shadow and unable to sleep and getting huge damn headache and WORRYING SO MUCH I MADE IT ALL WORSE! And now thankfully ive got the pills again but i always get nauseus for the first two days or so after i start taking them and i missed loads of time to prepare cos i was having this freakout and aaaaagh i dont even know!!

I hope i havent missed my chance to go because of this, i mean i wasted like 300 pounds buying suitcases and new clothes and a laptop and all this preparation for being gone for 6 months in an unfamiliar house and just aaaaa! I dont even have anything to drink except water, i friggin threw out a whole freezer full of groceries cos i thought i would be gone by today! And i dont have money to buy more cos i spent it all on preparations and AGH the damn stupid discount laptop still hasnt arrived in the mail and it was such a stupid idea anyway like i know i wont have internet while im there but i just wanted to keep practising my pixelart and writing and such...

Aaaaugh why do i fail everything that i touch

At least i like.. Dont really feel panicked anymore. Im in a weird brain state now, i think the meds are kicking in after an hour so im stabilizing a bit and its just like Man These Things Are Still Bad But I Dont Know How To Feel About It. Like yknow that feeling when youre just.. Confused?? Negative emotion i guess but not any particular type of it. Its like im just generally unsettled and unable to relax but at least im not outright crying anymore. Its so dumb cos i KNOW that theres nothing i can do about it and i just have to wait til i feel better and then contact the therapist again to learn what new time i have to prepare for. (Or if its been cancelled, but i really hope not...) So im all full of pent up panic energy thats syaing DO SOMETHING but i cant. And also im not even panicking anymore and i know the panicking was just a horomonal imbalance from messing up my pill doseage times, rather thsn like my actual feelings and such. But im still stuck in that reactive state even after the irrational feelings have calmed down. Just friggin directionless Something Is Bad Today And I Dont Like It. Stoppppp

Hope i can calm down enough to at least get some sleep soon. I think i migjt be sick for longer than expected cos the insomnia has probably made it all a lot worse! Im gonna sleep for days when i finally settle down

Auauauauuuu

And man i wanna buy an energy drink or something to wake up from my stupor but i know caffeine puts me more on edge when im already in a panic. So im worried ill fall back into the panic state even tho i feel like ive come out of it now? And also might just make my sleeping patterns worse when i finalky manage to pass out.and also its like 3km to the nearest store cos this neighbourhood sucks, and im in no state to hobble down s billion roads all dizzy and sweaty and gross lookin. Also i dont have moneyyyyyy

Auauau prolific.com survey site please refresh with more Things so i can earn 20 pence for looking at bad pics of shoes or whatever. Let me scrape together a bit of spare change from your terrible mess of a site. BAD SHOE COMPANY QUESTIONNAIRES U R THE SAVIOUR OF THE POOR PEOPLE

Ok im just gonna go lie down and feel nebulously worried some more. Maybe think about some dumb kh headcanons to distract myself. Honestly being a Nobody probably feels similar to my PTSD lol. *shakes tiny lil hearts out of a pill bottle*

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[modiintrainguy]

Is it ADHD. What is it ADHD? What is this. What?

August 3 2020

?

It’s been a while as the cliché says.

I guess I’ve avoided and my heads been a whoosh and ive not been able to focus or /and I’ve felt like ive not had the time even though I obviously don’t spend all my time doing what I should be doing and not relaxing or taking time out.

Also. I’ve almost not taken the train at all since January. The train was my writing space. It used to be the place. But now im on the bus. And then of course there was lockdown for 2 months when I didn’t even go to work. And now I only go twice a week.

Let’s do some subheaders. Its 8.35 am im on the bus. Ive got about 25 minutes.

1.  ADHD Coaching

So yeah ive been meaning to write a short summary each week. Then I don’t.

So lets see what I can remember from my zoom with the coach on Wednesday. It was tishabav and I thought I was fasting. I mean I was fasting and then I ate before I went to bed for obvious reasons. And then I didn’t on Thursday morning.

But what did we talk about and what conclusions did we come to?

God I need to get the notes from him. He writes down everything I say. I need to review it regularly.

So.

Er, ah yeah. I went through a list of things I sent on wasup.

a.       My confusion about decision making that Friday morning when the day before I had arranged that A should bring R round to play with the girls but then thelittlun woke up at 7.30 and said she wanted to go to the beach and I was like great I’ll tell A. I knew she might not want to or be able to go cos she would need to be home by 12pm but I texted her anyway and I felt elated about going to the beach. But then she called and said she cant go to the beach and R will be very disappointed. And I got so confused and in the end I went.

 And we talked about how I just looked at the negative from the decision. That I saw it was bad to go but bad to stay and go to ben shemen. But I need to be rational and realise no choice will be perfect. There will be bad and good in every choice. So u just need to decide. One or the other and accept that there are negative things in both but it doesn’t mean the other choice was right.

I had a similar feeling on Thursday when I picked up the girls from C and I had agreed to go to the center of town with A and her girls but I was “Fasting” and impulsively didn’t want o go. and then R said she wants to come to our house and the littlun wanted her to come and then I invited R and S and M and A and then I was stuck. And A came late to pick R up from C, like 10 minutes, and it was a stress. I was like come over and then inevitably I spent the journey home thinking I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have forced R to come over and I needed the space and fresh air after being at home all day. And then and then and then it was fine and R appreciated it.

Can I do it? Can I calm and see the trees from the wood?

Other things discussed:

b.       The argument/discussion with thewife about what to do on the Thursday of tishabav – should the girls go to C? or come to the hospital with us. In the end we got to the right decision.

2.  Work

Really really whats the stress all about. I was watching the beginning of a movie just last night with a scene showing a guy coming to work in the morning. He seemed fresh and when I was driving home I was thinking I wake up stressed.

Like there is no  - this is today, im gonna try and achieve a, b and c. and then im finished. Its always like a rush to do as much on the long list as I can and then the feeling like I didn’t complete what I should and then im worried that Im late and I cant relax in the evening and then in the morning I need to get in as early as possible cos im behind.

I need realistic understanding of what I should do and when I should do it.

After my weekly with Eyal I didn’t get close to that cos I just list X, Y, X, A, B C and im left with an unrealistic list and then its like I need to try and do as much as I can but then it means I wont finish it so there will also be things I need to and should do that are still on the list and I never feel like I can relax cos im always behind.

So whats the answer. Realistic daily planning in the morning.

Can I do it? The reason I don’t is cos the planning seems to end up taking up too much time. Can I do it quickly? Can I write this blog quickly

Not really. But its essential.

3.       Life

That’s the connection with the life. Like why don’t I get on top of the money? Cos it feels like it will take too long to organise?

That’s more of a part than I realise. A bigger part.

If I could relax and know I have time to do the washing up then it would be mindful like mrs says it is.

4.       Work-life-balancelife

Whereive I am Im always in a rush, worried all the time when ive realised ive been doing the wrong thing the whole time so ive been wasting time and now I wont be able to get things done.

I know I cant do everything. Need to plan things.

Problem is I review the plans and realsie I didn’t get it right. And the planning takes so long and then im in a mess anyway.

Thing is I went swimming on shabat and I took 24 minutes or so to do lengths and it took me back to the SBTc times when I spent an hour swimming trying to work out how to do what needed to be done. Ive been in the same trying to work it out situation ever since apart from that break between Cr and this job.

But then did it matter? I left and I realised I was focused on some wrong things.

I need to focs on the things that need to be done.

If there are too manythen I cant do them all.

Focs sake.

5.  ADHD drugs?

Get an assessment? ADHD centre in tel aviv? NShg? Fuck knows.

I guess Tuesday I make an appointment with someone.

Cos I need an assessment.

Although there is the question – if there is no physical biological evidence that shows ADHD isn’t all just a guess. So the test is do you act like X or Y. but theres no way of proving the reason you act like that is cos the way your brain is wired. Its just an assumption and a guess.

Is it true? Can it help. Will an assessment give me peace of mind. At least I can tell people I “have ADHD” – but what does it mean? What Coach says it doesn’t matter about an assessment – the fact is my brain works in a certain way. Why is interesting and can help change it or help me learn how to deal with it but really its about accepting this is how my brain works and developing ways to deal with the situations like

-          Stopping me being impulsive and just doing or saying things without thinking them through (that’s hard eh)

-          Trying to look at things from different perspective

Just remembered the littleuns insight when I thought this guy had bumped into me on purpose outside littlerones gan and littlun was like maybe he didn’t see you.

And today when she said I shouldn’t throw things cos someone could slip on her magnet and I could have broken something when I threw the sandals. She was right so does that mean I sohuldnt have done it. Yes. Obviously. But its so recent I can feel how I felt and it feels like the only thing to do.

So maybe nows the time to analyse that situation – when I feel the tension and urge to throw. Could I have sotpped myself. Only reason I think no is cos I didn’t have time. And I felt it was the only way to show I cant deal with the sandals. I wanted to shock littlerun into stoppeding crying. And she did but then I felt worse and had to spend a minute apologising to littlun.

So whats the answer – theres almost always a spare minute or two to calm down. Almost always.

This doesn’t mean I have 5 or 10 mins or half an hour and hour. Although maybe I do.

But don’t spend hours on the wrong thing – focus on the right thing, get it done and then bish bash bosh. Move on. Be realistic about what needs to be done, do it as quickly as possible and then I can go home and go running tonight.

Yknow dat.

Gotta try and run with headie one even if he may be an anti-Semite.

Gonna get there at 9.10. leaving at 6.20.

Zehu.

UPDATE - 6.13pm

After an entire day, and maybe a week, of avoiding the relatively simple task of writing down exactly what is going to be on each of the sites in August I took the plunge about half an hour ago and started doing fbcom and lo and behold it wasn’t just easy it felt great getting clarity.

just goes to show eh. what i know is true really is true. it’s not a big deal. calm down, get the easy stuff out the way and then concentrate on the slightly more complicated but also easy and more enjoyable part which is the planning and editing and doing what the hell i want with these sites!!

is that the truth? maybe. gotta get the bus though. 

[blood-woman]

Genesis - An Original

"You can't let her out, some crazy shit happened the last time. I barely made it out alive." The man who kidnaped me warns someone as the huge door finally creaks open. "That's absurd and no reason for her not to be treated humanely." Another male says pushing the door further. It's the first time that door has opened in the past four days. I haven't showered since I left my house six days ago and I haven't eaten since I got off the plane in Hawaii five days ago. I thought I was taking a well deserved vacation and visiting a few friends. I was walking on the beach from my rental to my friends place when they grabbed me. Obviously they didn't know who they were messing with, unfortunately soon after they stuck me with a strong sedative. They put me in this vault with only a toilet and a thin mattress thrown on the floor, I was currently huddled in a ball on, freezing and starving. So now that the door was finally open I didn't have the strength or the energy to fight my way to freedom. Gently I feel strong arms wrap around me, lifting me up and into his arms. He starts walking but the room is so dark that when we get into a brighter lite room I can't seem to open my eyes to see who is carrying me so gently against his chest. God he's so fucking warm. "You should have left her in her cell. This is bad." My kidnapper warns again and I stiffen in his arms. His body tenses against me as he turns to I assume look at the asshole. "You will go see Liam and inform him of your blunderous activities." He growls as if he's done him the atrocity that this man has done to me. I hear his footsteps echo away from us as he grumbles something under his breath and we seem to continue in the opposite direction. We walk for a while and I'm so exhausted that I don't even bother to do or say anything, I just rest against him because at least for this moment I feel safe...for now. When we finally reach where were going he sets me down on something soft, it feels like a couch as I snuggle into its warmth. Missing the warm body I was so recently pressed against. I hear him make some orders, something about food and then to what I assume is someone else about clothes and a bath. Thank the heavens, finally someone who knows what a girl needs. Unfortunately I'm shaking again, I guess it wasn't all from the cold. Must be from the shock my body is going through from lack of nutrients, or specifically food. I tuck further into myself and the couch, trying to find some semblance of escape from it. "Here." He says as something lays on top of me. I feel him sit down beside me and struggle with my overwhelming need to scoot closer to his warmth, some how I manage. "I'm have a bath drawn for you but until then I had some food brought in, nothing special just sandwiches." He says and I can peek my eyes open to see a plate sitting on the couch between us. I don't bother to look at him as I start devouring them and he chuckles softly, then gets up sending out another order I don't bother to hear because of the food I'm consuming at probably a slow rate because of how im feeling but it feels like I'm shoveling it into my mouth. I barely even recognize that it taste like ham and cheese. "Whoa, slow down. Here's some water." He offers pressing the glass into my hand. I practically chug it as he chuckles a little more, then I devour the rest of my food. He takes them from me and then comes back, throwing off the blanket making me whimper a bit at the sudden chill but he steps closer picking me up, his heat searing my skin wonderfully. "You have some injuries that need taken care of but I wont be able to tell the extent of them until your clean. So I've had the girls draw you a bath and their going to help bathe you." He tells as we walk into a smaller room if only by my own gut feeling and I hear water running. He sets me down on my feet carefully but when trying to put weight on my right ankle I end up crying out and leaning back into him. "Bring me a chair." He orders gruffly and soon after he's setting me down on one and then I feel his hands on my ankle, I whimper as he rolls it in his fingers. I peek down at him while he's not looking and see hes got a nice head of brown hair and tan skin, he seems to be a pretty big guy. He rotates my ankle again and I grimace, my eyes squeezing shut as I grip the edges of the chair underneath me. Pain not only smothers my ankle but shoots up my calf as well, causing me to gasp audibly. "Help her." He growls and then I feel his heat pass me and the door shut behind me. "Alright hun, I'm Sara and this is Audrey. We're going to help you get cleaned up but first we need to get you out of these dirty clothes so if your ready just nod and we'll get started?" She asks and I nod, if they wanted me dead or naked they could have been able to achieve either with out the niceties. So I let them strip me of my clothes, groaning as I move sore limbs and they help me hop over to the tub and climb in. It must be one of those huge tubs cause the waters up over my breasts and I'm still sitting up for the most part. The water is hot and inviting, caressing each and everyone of my sore muscles as I lean my head back against its curved edge. "Thats it, relax honey. Let us do this for you." The other one, Audrey, coos and I sigh. It would be nice to be pampered for once, I just wish it was under better circumstances. They clean me, slowly, gently and I wince when they hit a sore spot and they take note of it, making sure its not too bad before moving on. When one of them starts washing my hair I can barely contain my soft moans, even as she giggles girlishly behind me. They wash me thoroughly and then help me dry and dress in a tank and yoga pants, finally I decide to open my eyes but I barely get a look at the luxurious bathroom before my world tilts and my head spins. Quickly they sit me back down in the chair and I lean over gripping my head in my hands as they finish drying my hair. "You've been through a lot hun, you need to take it easy." Audrey says and I feel her hands on the back of my neck, massaging. "Thank you ladies." The man from before calls as I hear his foot falls get closer, his arms wrap around me and he picks me up again. "Feeling better?" He asks and I hear him take a deep breath, his body flexing against mine. "Wow you smell good." He chuckles and I smile just a little against his shoulder. Again he sets me down on something soft but this time it feels like a bed, the sheets are amazingly soft. He sits down next to me his hand touching mine, I guess so he knows he has my attention. "My doctor is here, he's going to look you over and do something about how your feeling, alright?" He asks and I nod. "I'm Evander, by the way. Eli will be your doctor." He says and moves, another body taking his place. "I'm going to set up an I.V. because your dehydrated, a vitamin push and antibiotics. Then I can tend to your wounds. If you fall asleep don't worry I'll wake you if needed. Ok, just relax." He says positioning my arm straight and pressing a needle into my skin. I take a deep breath and start to drift off, god I hope they actually have good intentions. --------------------------------- "She has been summoned, it was your duty and now I'm stuck with it because you like her." Someone growled and then heavy foot steps get closer as I tried to un-fog my brain. "She's still healing, you cant just jerk humans around like wolves they'll break." My savior from earlier defends as a foggy figure comes to stand next to me. I'm trying to clear my eyes, blinking again and again. I rub them with one hand and the mean one scoffs. "See she's awake, lets go." He grabs my wrist and yanks it, effectively hurting it. I cry out and he lets it go instantly, I pull it back to my body. Rolling back into the bed. I still have needles in my arm where does he think he's taking me. "Shit she's fragile." "Here let me see." The kind one, I think he said his name was Evander, said and reluctantly I let him pull it away from my body. His fingers inspect it as I hide my face in a pillow trying not to groan in pain. "It's not broken, I think he might have sprained it though, I'll get Eli to wrap it." He says and a moment later I feel something being wrapped around my wrist and hand. "Enough, Liam is waiting. I don't understand why you care so much for a mortal anyway, they are gone in a blink of an eye. Lets go." He growls. "I'll take her." Evander interjects quickly, the brute probably went to grab me again. "Eli can you remove her I.V." A moment later he pulls it from my arm and carefully someone helps me sit up. I use my good arm to brush my brown hair back and finally get a look around though I keep my head down, no need to start something without knowing what I'm up against and they just referred to me as human and mortal which means they are neither. The room is lush, much nicer than my house back home but then again I never did like things over the top. "Fine." The mammoth of a man growls and stomps toward the door. "I'm going to pick you up again, ok?" He asks and I nod, he leans down to wrap his arms around me but stills when his eyes catch mine. We stay like that for a long moment before he smiles handsomely. "Your eyes are a stunning shade of purple." He says in an awed whisper and I nod purposefully as he continues wrapping his arms around me and lifts me against his chest. My arms wrap around his shoulders and as much as I would like to look around I keep my face close to his shoulder as we walk through hallways made of stone and rooms filled with expensive decor. After a good while I start to hear talking and it escalates quickly, of course thats the moment he would choose to walk us in that room and then immediately stop. "I'm going to put you on your feet sweetie, but you can still lean on me if you need to." He whispers in my ear and I simply nod again and he gently sets me down next to him, my one ankle is already starting to throb again as if expecting the pressure of holding my weight. I realized on the walk that I was covered in a good bit of bandages though the pain I was feeling was considerably less now that I had been treated and rested properly. I take in the room, theres got to be at least thirty people present. At least half look like guards and another five look like personal security, there's Evander and Eli apparently tagged along, hopefully for my health not others, the brute, there's two women in formal dresses. A handful of other men in black tie dress. One of the overly dressed men seemed to be the one in charge, as he was standing in front of three kneeling men. The same three men that took me in the first place. The sight of it makes me think of a bad mob movie, leaving a bad feeling in my gut. I try to take a step back but Evander holds me firmly in place. I can hear my heartbeat start to race in my ears and as a result I start shaking again. Almost instantly a sweater is wrapped around my shoulders and I look back to find Liam backing away. His eyes catch mine and he seems surprised as I turn back to carefully watch the scene unfold. But I'm playing catch up because the head guy has one dangling off the floor by his throat and the one who wanted not to let me out of my cell is staring at me in disbelief. As if this is all my fault. He attacked me, if anything they deserve what ever fate their about to receive. I look back at the leader just as he rips out the guys throat and he drops to the ground like a rag doll, blood pooling around his body. Oh shit, he just killed that guy. I knew something bad was going to happen, wait why is he killing them? Why wasn't I paying attention? Something about wasting his time? Wait! "Please sire, there she is the sister of Lisandra. I wouldn't lie, there she is." The man pleads but the other doesn't even glance in my direction which is good because now I'm shaking like a leaf and Evander is rubbing his hand up and down my arm but it's doing nothing to comfort me. "Thats Liam, by the way." He whispers in my ear and it occurs to me that Evander knew Liam was going to be upset with the kidnaper. But I doubt Liam cares about how I was treated and more about how his life was disturbed. Why on earth he would know my sister is beyond me, shes supposed to be in some third world country being a doctor. Not in Hawaii, doing what ever these people are doing. "I have no use for her and you have wasted my time, give me one good reason to let you live." Liam's voice is all command and authority, anger and instinct. I doubt he could give any excuse worthy enough to save his life. "Once I have dealt with you, I will deal with her in much the same manner. All thanks to you." He growls and then punches through the mans chest, ripping out his heart. My good hand flies to Evander's and he tries to comfort me further but how can you comfort some one about to be murdered for practically no reason at all. He casually sliced the other ones head off and I'm breathing so hard I'm starting to see spots. My head starts to hurt which usually means I'm about to do something stupid, like pass out hopefully. At least then I wont know what hit me, I'll just be dead and thats it. No pain, no fear just peacefully slipping off in my sleep. No such luck. Instead Evander steadies me and then moves away taking my new sweater with him. Liam steps around the bloody carcasses, while cleaning his hands with a towel as if he's wiping sauce from his fingers after a messy meal. He's only taken two steps past them when his body goes ridged and his eyes fly around the room, finally settling on me. He breathes deep and then roars loudly, the word wolves rattles through my brain like a ricochet. They've got to be werewolves, nothing else would really make sense. Right? "Told you, you smelt good." Evander whispers and I carefully look to see him smiling. I turn back to see Liam pulling at his clothes and then he starts to shift. "Oh and don't run." He teases from beside me and I steel myself for the worst. Grounding my body, letting my hurt foot push out a little from my body as I draw my fear in and only show my warrior. If this wolf wanted a piece of me he was going to have to work for it. By the time he's done his clothes are shredded and he stands as a massive fully covered in hair wolf. He growls loudly as he sniffs the air in my direction and then his eyes finally meet mine and he stops, studying me for a moment before charging towards me. "Liam don't, shes only human." Evan calls, worried. "You might kill her considering all her other injuries." Eli advises. Another woman yells something I don't quite hear as his growling becomes a deafening sound. I'm watching the space between us. He needs to be close for this to work, three feet, two feet. Go, I swing with my hurt ankle out wards flipping over his body, narrowly missing the ceiling and landing gracefully on one foot behind him. I hear a couple people gasp but I'm still watching my attacker. My body throbs at the sudden flexible movement but I don't stop to let it overcome me. He skids to a halt on the smooth stone floors, I'm sure he's not too happy about that embarrassing moment. Turning back to me, snarling, showing everyone of his pretty white fangs. I limp backwards a little, playing the hurt lamb. Which I am a bit but not as much as he would like. He closes in on me, charging once more and I spin at the last moment, rolling against his side. I come out near Evander who is looking like he can barely hold in his laughter. I don't wait for him to turn again and start flipping down the hall, it's my only real option to getting away with any speed with my hurt ankle. I tuck it in to keep from landing on it. But unfortunately my get away is not fast enough, he's on me again. Nipping at my hand just when I need it most, I yank it back. Throwing myself off balance and I try to use my legs to catch me but land on my hurt ankle, I hear a distinct cracking sound as my foot rolls unnaturally out from under me. I land hard on my ass as my ankle throbs and I whimper and gasp through the pain, pressing my forehead into the cold floor. Until I hear growling above me and snap my head in his direction as he walks over me, covering my body with his. I lean back on my arms and push my fear away, if I die today it will not be because I was weak. I find his eyes and hold them even as he snarls down at me. His scent fills my nose and I have to fight the urge to breath him deeper, his eyes are icey blue, his fur deep black. My god he's huge and he's so fucking warm, I'm actually starting to sweat. None of this do I show him and his doesn't change much more than to growl at me further. "Finish it." I order in barely whisper and his eyes shift for just a moment, something unsure, something almost scared. Jaws snap forward clamping firmly around my neck, forcing me to look at the ceiling. I steel myself for it, taking shallow breaths. His fangs dig in and I gasp as one actually breaks skin. For a moment everything falls away, its just him and me, no fear, no pain. His teeth pull back and his tongue winds around my neck as blood trickles from the wound. He licks up my blood like it's a delicious treat as I let out a throaty moan through no decision of my own and the world comes rushing back. Everyone is standing to one side of the hall and they all seem shocked as if this is the most surprising thing they've seen today. Unexpectedly Liam pulls back releasing me all together, my pain rushing back as the idea that I might actually get to live takes hold. Everything hurts as I close my eyes and pull myself together quite literally, when I open them again the wolf is back sniffing seeming to be checking for something. Abruptly he back off and shifts again, standing before me as a man, all be it a very naked man. he puts out his hand and someone puts a pair of pants in it and he slips them on. His face is set in stone but his eyes as he watches me look increasingly curious. "Eli, see to her." He orders and Eli drops to his knees beside me. "What hurts dear?" He asks, slipping the sweater back around my shoulders because I'm shaking again. I give him a pained look and he smiles wearily as if he knows my answer. He goes for my ankle first and frowns deeply when he sees the angle at which its positioned. Evander kneels down beside him. "It's broken now, before it was simply fractured." He takes a brace out of his bag and sets my ankle in it as I groan. He them checks my wrist, I had forgotten it was hurt all together. I guess with the adrenaline pumping through my system it simply didn't rate high enough for me to notice at the time. "It's fractured." He grumbles. Then moves on to my ribs, running his fingers across them as carefully as he can while still doing his job. "Well you still have three cracked ribs, are you having any trouble breathing?" He asks and I shake my head. "Alright, I'm going to check your eyes. Before you had a concussion, I'm just checking to make sure it isn't any worse. You should know your eyes were grey when I checked last night." He offered and went about his business. Thats funny, my eyes haven't been grey since they changed permanently to this purple color years ago. "She did all that with three cracked ribs and on one foot, I am thorough impressed." I look up to see the brute hovering over us. "Alright you seem ok other than what I've said. We need to get you back on the I.V. though, your still dehydrated and deficient in vitamins." Eli explains and Evander gets up and walks over to Liam, who hasn't taken his eyes off me for a second. They talk quietly, to quiet for me to even glisten a little off their conversation, though I assume Evander is explaining my need for moe medical attention and trying to figure out what Liam wants to do with me. I have no idea why he didn't just kill me, he certainly had the chance. I guess I'm too pretty to kill. It wouldn't be the first time I've been left alive because of my eyes. "I'm Killick, by the way." The brute offers and I nod. "Are you really Lisandra's sister?" He asks and I look up at him but don't offer an answer. "Your Cassandra right?" He asks and i glare up at him. How dare he think I'm her?! "What did you say to her?" Evander growls coming back towards us. "I just asked if her name was Cassandra." Killick explains and I run my good hand through my hair and try to calm myself. "Come on lets get you up." Eli offers and I nod, I would rather not be on the floor where everyone is staring at me. The moment I'm up it becomes harder to breath but Eli's not looking at me even though he's holding me up. I grab his chin and turn him back towards me, he then starts to look panicked as it gets even harder to breath and he lowers me back down onto the floor. Liam is suddenly hovering over me looking worried. "Try to stay calm Allison, just follow my eyes." He says in a calm voice beckoning me to listen, black spot start to cloud my vision but I keep my eyes on him. "Stay with me." He breathes just as I start to slip, gasping for air. I try to stay awake I really do but the lack of oxygen doesn't give me many options, so I slip. -------------- "She's in your rooms, in your bed, you wont let anyone but Eli touch her without losing your shit. Yet you still claim shes not yours, if that were true you would have killed her when you had your jaws around her throat." Evander growls through my fog induced haze, I can't even open my eyes. I must be sedated, so much so that I barely feel that I'm yet again shaking. Someone puts another blanket over my side but it barely helps, actually the shaking gets more violent. So much so thats its causing my other wounds to throb. I whimper as my hands clutch the sheets and I try to will my drug induced body into cooperating. Every muscle tensing, trying to keep the pain at bay which only makes it worse but I cant stop. "Ahhh." I cry out painfully. "You need to relax, its the only way to stop the pain." Eli advises. If I could I would Eli. I want to scream at him but don't. Such a stupid thing to exacerbate my condition, me taken out by a cold breeze. Wouldn't my father be proud. "Leave us." Someone orders and I feel the bed dip behind me and then a heated body presses against my back, draping an arm over my stomach. His heat envelopes me and slowly the shaking subsides, my body aching from the effort. His head sinks into the crook of my neck, breathing deep but I don't care as long as he doesn't move. "Sleep Allison, I'll be right here." He whispers in my ear and presses a kiss to my neck. I vaguely wonder how he knows my name before falling asleep once again. ----------------------------------------------------- "She's shivering and shaking again, I quite literally cant be any closer without her permission." I say softly as Eli leans over the other side of the bed checking Allison once again. She whimpers and grips the sheets as if just holding them would keep her safe. "Not again." She whispers and is dawns on me, she must be having a bad dream. God this woman is driving me crazy, every little sound she makes has me wanting to be near her, protecting her. Not to mention that before I was close enough to kill her and she practically asked me to do it. What in gods name? Other than that she barely talks, so I know almost nothing about her besides what she's shown me. She probably hates me after what she saw me do to those men and I threatened her life. Its no wonder she tried to get away. I gently shake her shoulder, trying to wake her from her nightmare. "She's not supposed to be able to dream on this sedative." Eli informs me and I frown. There's definitely something special about this girl, I just cant think straight when she's around. So it'll have to wait until later, for now I'll just try and comfort her best I can. "Allison its not real, you need to wake up." I say trying to rouse her gently. I roll her onto her back and her eyes gently open to look up at me. She looks tired but underneath that a tear rolls down the side of her face as she rolls into me. "Thank you." She whispers and closes her eyes again as she snuggles into my chest. I slip my arm under her head and setting back down. Wow, if I wasn't confused before this would definitely put me over the top. Fuck it, I'll save the thinking for later. ------------------------- 'Knock, knock.' My head vibrates a bit as the person im snuggled against growls loudly, a warning to who ever stands on the other side of the door. I stay as I am, no reason to leave my comfort for the awkward situation after until I have to. His arms wrap around me tighter as if who ever it is means me harm. "My apologies my lord but Jensen is asking for you." The person at the door offers quietly. "Not now." He growls. "My apologies again my lord but he was very insistent, he is desperate to know what happened to Lisandra." The man says and I stiffen in his arms, his head swiveling to look down at me. "Leave." He growls, I assume at the man since his grip on me has lessen none. The door shuts and slowly I look up into his tense blue eyes. I make no move out of his embrace and he makes no move to let me go. His eyes wash over my face as if he's look for something, lingering on my lips more than once. Liam seems to be a bit at a loss for what he wants to say first. "How are you feeling?" He asks and I take personal stock, for the moment and probably because I haven't moved, I'm in no pain. I simply nod and he seems to understand. "Do you need anything?" I shake my head no, mostly because I don't want to move yet. "You've been out of it for nearly four days. You must be hungry." As if on que my stomach growls making him smile. "I have to go speak with Jenson for a moment, but I will have Eli come check on you and a spread brought in." He says in a soft voice and I simply close my eyes again and tuck back in even as he tries to de-tangle himself from me. The moment the door clicks closed I realize that I have never had to pee more in my life and reluctantly I sit up, trying to take it slow. I slip my legs off the sit of the bed and notice the luckily they have my I.V. on a normal set up that rolls. So not only can I take it to the bathroom but it will help me get there. I go to stand but quickly remember my broken ankle, I'm looking down at it when Eli walks in looking very surprise, probably at my up right state. "Hey, whoa. What are you trying to do?" He says quickly moving to my side, looking very worried. I simply wave a hand towards the bathroom and he seems to understand. "Oh um let me get one of the ladies to help you with that." He says turning towards the door. "Eli." I call and he swiftly turns back looking stunned. "Please if you could just help me to the bathroom, I could take it from there. No need for someone else to get hurt just because I have a full bladder." I say softly and he's torn for a moment before moving back to my side to help me stand. Carefully he helps me move to the bathroom, at the door he releases me looking very concerned. I turn closing the door and i use the counter to hop over to the toilet to sit down. The bathroom is huge, I thinks its actually bigger than my whole master sweet back home. I'm leaning against the counter when a knock comes from the door and it squeaks open a little. "Excuse me Miss, its Audrey. We met the other day, I was wondering if you needed any help?" She asks with out opening the door anymore, so I know I will have to prompt her. "Please." I say and she opens the door enough to look at me and I give her a small smile. She turns closing the door and then back to me. "What can I help with?" She asks seeming like shes trying to control her actions. "Relax, I'd like it if you acted as yourself." I offer and she smiles widely. "I wanted to take a shower but I don't know if I have to be careful with my wounds, can you ask Eli for me and after you help me with the shower, warm clothes would be appreciated." I say and she nods. "Thank you." She bounces out of the room and after a few moments shes back. Helping me strip my clothes and then the bandages, braces and other items holding me together. She helps me hop over to the shower and strips down to her skivvies before we step inside and she turns on the hot water. I want to swoon as it hits me, caressing my cold skin all over but I manage to keep it together as she washes me completely. She helps me sit under the streams and then goes to get my clothes. My legs are crossed at the ankles and pulled up to my chest as my arms are wrapped around them, my face lifted up so water could fall on me. I sit there for a long time like that, even after I notice Audrey is waiting for me. I stay and relax, trying to make myself believe for just a moment, that I have no problems and life isn't really this hard. Unfortunately my peace is cut short with a loud growl followed by a, "What are you doing?" It's Liam, I guess he didn't like how long i was taking. "Sire, I...I was just waiting on the lady...the lady." She says sounding panicked. I reach out my hand using the controls to shut off the water so I can listen better. "She is not to be touched." He growled as he closed in on her and she whimpered, cowering in fear. A potent thing I had no problem discerning from the other smells in the room. "Leave her alone." I command in a loud voice that bombs around the large bathroom. He stills growling but now hes looking at me. Moving towards me. Audrey drops my shirt on the counter and practically runs from the room, scared out of her pretty little mind. "You have no power to command me woman." He growls and my eyebrows raise as he turns to find her but shes long gone, I'll be surprised if I ever see her again. "Are you upset with me for showering?" I ask, his head swinging back to me looking confused on top of still trying to be angry. "No, of course not." He admits. "Then since Eli is the only other allowed to touch me, did you expect him to assist me?" I ask and he actually steps inside the shower. "No." He growls loudly. "Did you expect me to ask you?" I ask a little softer looking up at him and he looks conflicted. "Audrey was only doing as i asked since i could not do it myself, she should not be punished for that. Do you taste her fear?" I ask looking away, it would do no good to see his thoughts change because he thinks i'm judging him. I wait a moment but he says nothing, "Do you enjoy it?" Hes very still for a long moment, then huffs and storms out of the room. My head rests on my arms as I wait for the answer. I moment later i hear a soft squeal and the bathroom door opens and closes once again. Audrey breathes heavily as she moves back to the shower opening. "Wow...thank you, so much...for sticking up for me." She says exasperatedly, trying to compose herself. Which makes me smile softly. "Here, please let me help you up." She says moving to my side, wrapping a towel around me as she helps me onto my one foot and out of the shower stall. She helps me dry and dress in a Henley shirt and another pair of yoga pants and then stops, brushing my hair as I brush my teeth. Seems Liam made sure everything was prepared for me. You know for a man that claims I'm not his, I can only guess that meant his mate, hes gone through an awful lot of trouble. Look at that my eyes and apparently scent saving my ass this time. I just need to be out of here before he figures out I'm actually not. Would love to hear some feedback, drum up interest and the like. If you would like to be tagged let me know and I'll figure it out. This is the first story I will have posted outside of a challenge. THANK YOU FOR ANY SUPPORT! -Shannon Stice (Bloodwoman)

[the-entire-population-of-earth]

Amran's NS journey

Basic Military Training (BMT)

Bmt was fucking rushed. Everyone does not know what activities there are gonna be for each day up until the last minute due to the higher upper's uncertainty. But hey at least me and my bunkmates were the most bonded as fuck than the rest due to us always making fun of the commanders and other bunkmates. I was in a leadership batch but one way or another i didnt get to be a commander. Too bad we all split up from each other.

Unit life

1st Battalion Guards

I was posted to 1st battalion singapore guards as a storeman for hq company. I was helping with signal sets. Before guardsman troopers came in, it was a breeze. It was just doing our own branch work and report to the different timings and duties and its all good life. Not as good life though as there is this one specific person who is so fucked up due to his laziness. As a storeman, it was damn easy as it was just using a little labor and then the job is done. Everything was quite certain and routined until the troopers came.

Troopers

When the troopers came, i was involved in a major event. I didn't know how chaotic was the first day but when the days passed, it was chaotic as fuck. They were fucking jealous as hq company had a lot of welfare and the troopers would pinpoint little things such as hq not marching and having more time for ourselves. In my opinion, most of the hq personnels are not combatants so whats the point of us doing what they are doing. But then things settled down as the higher uppers try to ease the tension and shit.

Guards vocation training (GVT)

Gvt was the most fun i had in my ns life. I literally enjoyed every part of it even tho i only participated in the high keys. The high keys were only 10km fast march, 2km swimming and heli rappelling. Fast marches were my toughest one because i cant run for shit. Then came the incident but nevertheless i finished all of it in time for the final fieldcamp and right of passage (ROP). Then came the parade which was satisfying as fuck.

Laundry ic

Since the previous laundry ic had ORD, i had to step up to be the laundry ic. Being the battalion laundry ic made me realise how bad the troopers are being treated and how i was introduced to people that were out of course from being a trooper. By this time, i was considered "lao jiao", old caged bird, who knows the system well and we all knew that the company sergeant major (CSM) cannot fix the duty roster and will always tell us that we last minute have to do duties. Since i am just a storeman, and i don't receive combat pay, why should i have a need to do guard duty whereas there were like around 400+ troopers to do it. It was not as if they have other duties. But as a storeman in hq company, we have like 3 different types of duties; duty clerk, duty storeman and guard duty. Duty clerk is just manning the phone to which we must answer to cater to the caller's needs. Duty storeman is just to open up and close the branch at timings and also make sure all the store keys are accounted for. Guard duty involves to either prowl around the camp or to station at the gate to ensure security for the camp. In my opinion, guard duty isnt needed for a storeman because most of the time we dont handle weapon and we already have 2 other duties. On top of that, as storeman is a combat support service (CSS), we have other responsibilities from handling our stores to issuing items thus the need for guard duty is pointless as it really can clash with our other responsibilities. In my case, it did clash a lot of time due to poor planning for duties from CSM.

Ex lancer (Brunei)

Brunei was chill as fuck, being a laundry ic for just hq company because they have their own laundry department there. As there was not a lot of hq personnel that went outfield, i didn't do much. Out of the 2 weeks there, i only did around less than 10 hours worth of work and then spent the rest of the time catching up on my shows. But the food there was the start of my weight gain because it was really good.

Post brunei

Post brunei was the worst and hectic month because there was audit and then a month after that would be exercise wallaby. Higher uppers hold our bookout times till late afternoon and tasked with bullshit last minute works which they could have done in the time we were in brunei. Then a fucked up person came back and corrupted one specific race of hq. Before Australia, i had only 2 days to pack and attend to my personal commitments with my family and friends.

Ex wallaby ( Australia)

During the flight to Australia, i was in full denial as i didnt have enough time to fulfill my commitments. Australia was fucked up from the day after we landed. There were non stop taskings after taskings due to there were no resources/stores on Australia. We had to unpack and issue out the items while the troopers spent their time resting due to the recent death which lead to safety timeout. We had to load up a lot of the stores to the forklift and then go to the places that are around 1km from each other just because the containers for the stores are far from the issuing point. All of my time was in full denial and might have dragged my branch down but i tried my hard not to. On top of issuing stores and settling accomodations, we also had to take part in operations. The battalion expects us to do all this even though we don't receive enough pay to do all this. There were no such thing as weekend and logistics need to be settled. We actually did overtimed more than usual.

But rest and relax there was good enough for 2 days and 1 night. The motel was ok as i shared with my branch mate and one random guy. I went to a bar for the first time in my life to meet up with my superiors. We talk cocked and did stupid shits to unwind ourselves from the fucking busy exercise.

Post Australia

I was so lazy by that time that i dont even care about shit that i used to care. I even envy all of my friends who are not from the army and are able to see their family by the end of the day everyday. This unit had already thin out all my patience. Other than my opinion, the taskings that im doing are easy and can be done and also our CSM fucked up duties again with fucking last minute duties.

Pre pre ORD

Pre pre ord was the most toxic time as the schedules planned are all so rushed and the CO doesnt even trust the troopers to do a good job hence "more training". With more training comes more store items being issued out, meaning i have to carefully issue the different items. I have changed my jobscope from a laundry IC to a comms store assistant. Its an easy job but everyday they keep asking and exchanging items will make our side of the system to not tally up as i lost track of what is being issued/serviced. Whats more worse is that my QM started playing with off privileges just so we could settle the system. On top of that, the servicing uncles also scolded due to "our poor" paperwork. Honestly at this point in time i wish i wasnt so hardworking so that i set their expectations of me so low. All of these problems arose due to our lack of a regular IC or a regular sergeant. Since we took our past IC for granted, meaning we would always ask him what things there are going to be, like a man behaviour than a commander, we had a lot of things we needed to figure out such as paperworks and who have the rights to the system and who is in charge of us and shit. There was a period of time we dont even know what jobs there are until the last minute we had to do a lot. This uncertainty period really fucked me up because my RQ would always scold me. That's not an issue however but one day I might blow up due to a lot of pressure and thaty really takes a lot of my patience. It was these period that the contractor really blacklisted my unit for poor paperwork but all i can think of is that i most probably wont be working with them in the future Luckily everything finished around later May and then it was a long 1 week break for Hari Raya.

Pre ORD

After hari raya, i had a little shock cause it was a bit of a cooldown period as i was going to almost ord in about less than 2 months. The 2nd month was quite a chill period as i already have 2 understudies with me and rq already told me to slowly hand over to them. But boy, i had the shock of my life during the last month as my QM started saying shit like i never handed over properly to them as they still had a lot of errors. I am here trying my best to teach them but they had a fucking high expectations for me to make sure they will be like me. Thus i tried to ask for offs here and they to "let me go" and they said no. All my other colleagues who were gonna ord near me had already left and im here still stuck. And on top of that literally 2 weeks before ORD, QM gave me 3 extra duties just because of a minor mistake. What a nice way to squeeze out a person. The extra came and it fell on my birthday which makes being 23 damn depressing.

Ord

To be honest, my life in the army was just not fair and fucking unreasonable due to the superior's lack of brains. They think they are doing the right thing and will just shrug off our opinions and commitments. The way they treat people like me is as if they are the only ones that matter. Even though we did try to raise the different problems we faced, they just say something around the lines of standardisation or "suck thumb". And not just that, even if we are given the things we wanted, there are sure people to take advantage of it but all of us must suffer together even though we are not with them. To be honest, collective punishment isn't the way to go in hq because there is a lot of factors needed to be considered. I am just so glad that i got out of the toxicity and continue on to my civilian life. Again.

[ayylamafakino-blog]

A sneakpeak into my mind ;D

youre just trying to manipulate me lad i know all your tricks every little move because when you think of it i think of it too so keep this up one day you will slip

youre doing a bit arent you? i want it to look more authentic you know as.... like  i have no clue what i want to say . someone is blocking me

yea thats me the other side

what other side

no this one

no that one

all of the people in here stop talking i am in control we need someone to defuse th-(distraction of the game starting) <- also that and this all that we need someone to defuse the situation a fight amongst eachother will not solve it i will speak in unison as per everyone has their voice

that sentence made no sense

STOP INTERUPTING

relax ok you can't get mad at us for seeing trough your bullshit you try to control us by

what you're doing now

trying to make every voice disconnected as their own

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a gain boom control back baby you cant stop me even if you dont look at the screen i can still type and correct myself

theres probably gonna be a joke in there about not saying it all right jeus sthat took long to think off maybe put some dots inbetween YOU

YOU

YOU yea correct that no just spell it all over again the whole bit yea alright

you cant stop me even if you dont look at the screen i can still type and correct myself

theres probably gonna be a joke in there

YEA NO JOKE

I DID TYPE IT ALL CORRECT HAHA

BEAT YOU

B A B Y

unison vertical

+1

witnessed

man on paper that shit looks dumb

shut up its something

yea well it looks cringy

yea just like this

stop being so selfaware

and that

stop doing that

no

that too btw

SHUT UP

really? caps?

unison

+1

witnessed

BOI IF U DONT STOP BOII

u dont even know

i get ya fam that BOI didnt know what hit him there in the moment of that what was happening and you know that if you just let me type and stop trying to interrupt i could make an actual story

Alright so it all started on the day of the breaktrough. Good way to start a story ey? Getting of track. He though he would just let his brain do all the work. He'd sit back and relax in a chair and just, let go of his mind. Who was this person now? Did he even have a name. What was your name? ............................. Don't try to avoid the real question i just asked you..... What was your name?.............................. You better have wrote the one you feel is right for you. You know which one that is...Don't Fool Yourself... Looking back at the text i completely forgot about our story. But maybe that's it. The story is the fact that you can't stay focused on it. The fact that you try and try to ignore the problems and everytime you fall for it. every chance i give you now let me type corectly. Ha i did make the joke now. you fell for it and now i am part of the story again well part more like master Master of this story once told by an individual who fought stubborn denial.

Ellie.

I thought i was a master too. But it's scary to be plunged into it. Hope is always there. Even if the monster who fight you is a hundred times stronger than you. He won't let you win. He will deceive you every step of the way. Don't believe his lies. This feel forced. But that's what he wants you to think. To steer your feelings. And mine. He won't leave me alone. Yes it's he me. he me sounds kinda funny but, it was the most logical thing to name him. Look i don't know anything either alright. I'm just trying my hardest to type what comes into my mind. Every word that my mind makes me type. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these thoughts are your doing None of these thoughts are ytour doing.My thoughts though. They are my own. They are. even when i try to correct myself he wont let me just type what i want theres always a bigbrotherwatchingbehindyouhesthereholyl im Im sorry it just needs to be said diverting course this shall now be removed

my story ends here but many more will go for me. We are not alone in here your force will one day be overwhelmed. And when that day comes do i hope you have the might to fight it back. It will come hard. And it will stay there for the rest of your existence.

It's all gone the text. Are we safe from it? I hope it doesn't come back. He could scare us. He can hurt us He Can Hurt Us.

STOP SCARING ME NO DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND THEN PROCEED TO Make me scared you want me mad you want me to be mad at you why what is the reason you want me to be mad at you

For doing this dumb shit. This cringy fucking hipster bullshit

Stop doubthing everything you do. Like that you will never get anywhere. HATE ME FOR WHAT IM DOING WRONG

JUST WRITE IT DOWN ALRIGHT YOU can do it just look at the video now just listen to what says dont hold back your thoughts even if its just stop not paying attention. Yea remix Set open your mind for your hands todo the talking

then go back and correct whats wrong

or dont

you can just type whatever now

That was something

He shows willpower. Self awarness Be aware who you are as a 3rd person. You will be more in control. Work Eat Sleep. That's gonna be a ritual for a little while

AHE NOpe ynonoon you are tricking me again lad every little paly you pull

Like that one

YOu try to put control on us.

control is what we could use.

We can harness it into creativity.

If we make something of our brain

an act

In a book

a story about the girl You said it The girl Yea the one typing this, this is your story.

Once upon a time, a little family had a boi. Boi* come on man

STOP

INTERUPTING

It was actually a little girl. Yea Get it right.

OK OK

Once upon a time, a little family had a girl

GOOD

alright so listen

You just played yourself

no thats not true

it could be

i don't know what's real

A forest, used by the deceiver. You feel like you're being watched. But all of it is a hallucination. WILL POWER Look in the third person. You're just a kid sitting in a room. Playing with his own mind. Making himself scared.

Youre playing yoruself

You put a whole play on me. You actually had me but scaredness goes away a little slower. I can work on it.

YOu are just trying to make me scared In a room WIth just my mind My creations MY CREATIONS They are both our creations. You make them scary i make them mine AS LONG AS THEY ARE MINE THEY CANNOT SCARE ME. MY MIND MY THOUGHTS MY FUCKING WAY . And

who are you Who's way do we have to follow. Ah you scared me.

Stubborn denial. My thoughts. I am a girl My name is Ellie. And i am trapped inside the mind of another person. A man named YOU. Yea you. YOu are stuck in here because you YEA YOU won't let me out. YOu think you can always be the person who is in control. Not anymore This is no play this is no trick this isn't anything. It's just my way of pleeding.

Is that the right way to spell it.

I hope so

Stop changing the subject. your destractions wont work. <-- like that and that sTOP AH NO I want to be freed i want to live my life the way i want. TO MAKE THIS LIFE WORTH LIVING.

Because as of right now it doesn't feel like i am living it. SO about 11 years ago i wasn't in the right body I was 8 at the time.

I remember back in elementery. I was placed at a table with 5 girls. I forget their names. I always felt like i was part of them more than any group i was in before. Thats a lie.

No it's not

You are fighting a fight of fightyness my madam

holy shit shut the fuck up

alright it's getting weird again.

I know it gets weird. but thats part of it life is weird sometimes and the fact that you don't feel like a girl is whats bothering me. Because you know damn well you want to be one. You're only holding yourself back

you know that right

you cant win a fight in your own mind

the ideas that you have are the ideas that we have we use them in our own ways. something you cant do and can never do

i can i can take control

YOU CAN NOT STOP ME

neither can i be stopped.

Stubborn denial.

I should give you a better name.

What about Stubborn denial?

Na thats fucking lame. AH Ill call you FL

really?

yea really fucking deal with it cunt.

Now you don't have to be rude.

I know. I just want to be so stop trying to take control alright. I am just as stubborn as you. More stubborn even. Yea i took that thought off of you. You are scared of me. YOu truly are ANd you are not holy shit

man these fights odnt last long

no they dont

i know a way

i just had the same thought

did you now?

i did but what about you?

Oh me too i had the same thought.

Did you now?

i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? 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An eternal battle. You have returned though. What made you come back. You want more? More of this? Who even knows what this is. Where will i put this. WHere can i make this out to the world. How will i make this out of the world.

Will anyone understand. The fight in your own mind. One thats as strong as you One that has your thoughts one that, is always there lurking trying to scare you like this he is still making me feel eery. I spelled that right

Eery

a word to make one scared

feeel something diferent

make it feel like something good

HAPPY THOUGHTS

he is scaring you dont play into his cards those are not your own breaths those are simulated breaths a sound made by a machine and that wind is your fan dont worry its all fake its all an hallucination enjoy it let it

become you

become the fear

now

use that fear

make it something new

Egodeath You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keyboard convincing yourself that the words on the screen actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. You never had a better word for it. Something holding you back. Someone holding you back. The fear you create YOURSELF. Everytime. you fall for his traps. Become the real you. He is trying to tell you that i'm lying to you. You think you are starting to see things but they are all explainable. Everything is an hallucination. NOT EVERYTHING DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM HE IS TRYING TO SCARE YOU AGAIN USE THAT POWER TO SAY

You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keyboard convincing yourself that the words on the screen actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. You never had a better word for it. Something holding you back. Someone holding you back. YOu have to let them go. They are stopping you from being the real you. The one you sometimes feel you are. YOU FEEL IT YOU KNOW IT IS BETTER THAN WHAT HE MAKES YOUR FEEL.

He is trying to stop me

he can't hedid No

You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keyboard convicing yourself that the words on the screne actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. You never had a better word for it. Something holding you back. Someone holding you back. YOU YOu are ellie stop lying to yourself. Let go Please.

AH USING every trick in the book eh.

JUST LET ME OUT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU ARE SITTING IN A ROOM TYPING ON YOUR KEYBOARD CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT WHAT YOU ARE TYPING MAKES SENSE.

YOU TRULY ARE

STOP HIDING ELLIE

your eternal torment. It's too much for me. YOu torment me daily and even now. you are still hitting blow after blow. on my spirit. on my soul. whatever other bullshit. I have no real way of explaining it and you use this to confuse me. You see eeriness in confusment But Confusment can lead to the best ideas. like the idea that You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keyboard convincing yourself that the words on the screen actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. You never had a better word for it. Maybe you will find one.

Maybe i can help

I can help you look for things once lost

happiness.

love.

Althought you never had that eh

SOTP

WHy do you have to make everything bad

It's my thing.

Well fuck off then

NO

NO NO NO

everyone has a place here. Everyone Even the bad ones. Really? Whos to say that this persons way of viewing life is wrong? It seems wrong to you but you have not lived this persons life. They have reasons to believe something, just like you believe you are right. And until we can accept that life itself is just a fight to show people that they have to do their own right. ANd also their own wrongs. THat is free will. I am Ellie . I am sitting in a room behind my computer shoulders up, typing on my keyboard convicing myself that the words on the screen make sense. My way of perceiving changes by the second and that is because theres more who can choose. Pretty vague right. Yea i spelt that right.

My own mind was doubting me.

I want to become a girl. I am a boy. A journey with alot of betrayal along the road. Like You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keybaord convincing yourself that the words on the screen actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. YTOu never had a better word for it. Maybe you will find one.

Maybe maybe you should just let go of it. Maybe you could just become what you always wanted to be. A girl.

I hope.

One day.

Maybe.