#like it isn't bad but it isn't anything special
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on the topic of special ed. i specifically remember in 6th grade one of my best friends was in both the gifted-and-talented program (we were in the same group for english, we did secret book club together) and the special ed program, and. you know those like. stool chairs with round bottoms that u could rock back and forth on, for like, kids with accommodations for adhd or whatever, idk if that's universal, but they were widely coveted and you could only have one in a normal classroom if you had it on ur disability accommodations plan. but if you were in g&t you got to use them in the Secret Meeting Room where you'd do secret book club, right. and i kind of assumed the special ed room was like that too, like you get a bunch of fun items and stuff and everyone treats you like the smartest kid in the world. well it is Not like that.
but i remember one day specifically where my friend was having a really bad day and was on the verge of a meltdown and she was like hey can i take my friend with me to the isolation room. (it was called something like that, maybe solitary room? either way it was something that even at age 11 i was like. bro what?) and i was like. the what? and she was like Oh that's where you go if you're having a meltdown or something and you're in special ed. so we went down to the room and it was in a corner near a janitors closet and i'd never even noticed the door before. and we went in and it was this. narrow, brick room, probably like 7 feet wide and 15, 20 feet long? and it had bright fluorescent lighting that was still somehow jarringly yellow, absolutely nothing on the walls or anything, and at the back wall. one (1) singular bean bag chair.
and i was like. this is where they bring you to CALM DOWN????? and she was like. yeah you get used to it i guess. if you have a meltdown they lock you in here and then screaming won't bother people since it's out of the way. I have forgotten most of my memories from elementary/middle school but i still remember standing in the doorway to that room feeling. so deeply horrified by the whole thing. while my friend thought of it as completely normal.
and like. that same year, or maybe the year before, my little brother was in another school, and he was having a lot of meltdowns and Problem Behaviors (as they were called). and the staff would tell my parents "he had some Behaviors but we Restrained him and he calmed down :)" and. while i was a kid at the time so my parents didn't tell me most of the story. what i know is my parents almost sued his school (and would have if we weren't poor) because when they say they "restrained" him, they meant they locked him in a tiny closet alone until he stopped screaming and crying and hitting the walls. and he was a tiny fucking kid. he was like, 8 at the time? weighed like 50 pounds. my parents found out bc he was coming home with bruises. it's evil it's inexcusable and frankly i hope every adult who turned a blind eye to it dies.
and it wasn't just him, it wasn't just that school, i've heard so many horror stories from my friends who were in special ed & stories my parents have told me about their friends' kids & stuff i've heard online from ex-sped kids etc etc etc. like the way these kids are treated is like, near-universally horrific.
like, if you were neurodivergent in the way where you were "smart" and didn't bother or upset anyone, while it was Very Traumatic (for reasons that have been Posted about by many many people, i don't need to explain them here i don't think). we were treated SO much better than the kids who were in special ed, or who had impulse control problems or meltdowns or anything like that that Bothered adults. and those facts can and do coexist. and it upset me when i was like 15, bc i had that kneejerk "are you saying my trauma isn't that bad" sort of reaction, but like.
being undiagnosed neurodivergent came with its own trauma obviously. and being in the g&t program could be stressful and isolating. but at the end of the day, like. as much as it could suck. they were treating us like we were special, throwing treats in our enclosure, telling us how Smart we are and how we definitely have an iq of 120 or whatever. we'd have little snacks and learn long division and whatever. Whereas they were straight up abusing the kids in special ed. objectively the way they were treated was horrific and cruel and inexcusable. and far worse than the g&t program was. like sorry if it upsets you to hear that. but they weren't locking us in closets they were throwing pizza parties and letting us use the fun chairs. it's just not comparable at all really
#text#abuse tw#ableism#ask to tag#sorry for the essay but i just remembered those things back to back
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America's Storage Room Cleaning: The Moment that Changed Hetalia
Hetalia: Axis Powers Episodes 17 and 20: America's Storage Room Cleaning Parts 1 and 2 are probably some of the most consequential episodes of not only Hetalia, but for the Hetalia fandom as a whole. Both for how it broke away from Hetalia's satirical mold, as well as how fans reacted to it. Or at least how I reacted to it.
This episode, which aired in 2009, has been talked about to death. So much so that almost all conversations about it have been had. However, as someone who can't seem to shut up, I'm offering my two cents.
This is the episode where we not only get a deeper look into America's character but also get to see the American Revolution. And instead of portraying this conflict in a funny or satirical light, the whole thing is played out like an emotional, character-driven tragedy.
Let's start by talking about America. We all know how he is. Loud, obnoxious, optimistic, in your face, ambitious, light-hearted---he's more or less portrayed as a giant kid. Seeing as he's still a relatively young nation regarding his history, it makes sense. Especially since most of the other countries in Hetalia are much, much older. In fact, his physical age is stated to be about nineteen years old. Pointing to him being an adult but still being quite young and inexperienced.
As a result, you don't expect to have many serious moments with this character. Not only because of the way he's portrayed, but because of Hetalia's genre being comedy. Up until this episode, you're given numerous laugh-out-loud scenes, funny one-liners, and even a few problematic jokes along the way. Overall, Hetalia is not a series meant to be taken seriously. Still isn't, even in 2025.
But this is what made America's Storage Room Cleaning so jarring.
This is an episode that nearly drops everything Hetalia is known for. There are no laughs. Hardly any jokes. No silly one-liners. No slapstick. No problematic moments that make you cringe and think, "Ooooh, this hasn't aged well." If anything, I'd say this is an episode that has aged like a fine wine. (And no, I'm not just saying that because I'm American).
While going through an old storage room in his house, America mentions that he often has a hard time cleaning it out, as its contents manage to dredge up all kinds of bad memories. Mentioning that it's not always easy looking at one's own history.
And it's here where we get our first look into the history between Britain and America. We've gotten little glimpses of it before in prior episodes when the Hetalia crew was trying to hype us up for this one. But here is where we get to see the pieces put together.
America goes through a few different items, each one detailing a different part of his and Britain's history together.
We see a set of handmade toy soldiers that Britain made for America when he was a young child. One that Britain put a lot of work into, seeing as he nearly broke his hand. America even mentions that Britain painted each soldier with a different face, further showing just how much time and effort he put into the gift.
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We see an old suit. One that Britain got for America as he got older. Britain emphasizes the importance of dressing nicely in public. Even though America isn't a fan of the suit, he agrees to keep it and only wears it for special occasions.
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These scenes give you the impression that Britain and America have, or at least had, a close relationship in the past.
And then we get to the bayonet. The one with a deep scratch in the side.
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Upon seeing it, America is quickly reminded of a confrontation he had with Britain during the American Revolution. Standing in the rain and backed up by an army, America declares his independence from Britain. The latter of whom is deliberately shown to be alone, with no army at his side.
And then America says this:
"Britain! I am no longer a child, nor am I your little brother."
This establishes the nature of their relationship. While not related by blood, they're family. Growing angry, Britain charges at him. America blocks him with his bayonet. The gun flies out of America's hands, and Britain is given a clear opening to shoot him. But he can't bring himself to do it.
Falling to the ground, Britain begins sobbing. As America looks on, we get flashbacks to Britain and America when the latter was a child. Britain holds out his hand with an offer to go home. An offer that a happy, smiling little America cheerfully accepts.
Then the scene flashes back to the war, with Britain continuing to break down in front of his little brother, questioning why and how everything got this way. To which America tells Britain that he knows why. Watching the disheartening scene unfold, America sadly says:
"What happened? I remember when you were great."
The whole episode gives you such an insane, in-depth look at America's character, and even Britain's to an extent. The story is portrayed as a tragedy of two brothers torn apart by conflict. Brothers who love and care about one another but no longer see eye to eye. One desires control, and the other desires freedom and independence.
By depicting America and Britain as family, this episode gives you a vivid window into how this could be seen as a tragedy, but one you know is necessary for one of the characters to grow. It almost plays out like a soap opera.
The reason this episode is, in my opinion, the one that changed Hetalia and its fandom is because this is the episode where we truly got to see the sheer brilliance of Hetalia's potential.
World history is hardly a pretty picture to look at. History, real history, is often violent. Ugly. Controversial. Unsettling. Complicated. And in some instances, downright horrifying.
And yet, on the other side of the coin, history can be incredible. Inspiring. Powerful. Though-provoking. Intellectually stimulating. Beautiful. And at times, even hopeful.
America's Storage Room Cleaning is an amazing episode because of how they portray such an incredible moment in history. It's treated like it's a serious and intense drama. Because, for America and Britain, it is. It's an episode that prompts the audience to think, "If this is how the American Revolution is portrayed using these characters, then how can other conflicts be depicted?"
And I believe it was this episode of the anime/chapter of the comic that led to the creation of the historical side of the Hetalia fandom. Now, I have no doubt that side of the fandom would've formed eventually, regardless of whether or not Hetalia tried to play it straight. But this episode absolutely fueled it, as evidenced by the copious amount of fanart, fanfiction, fanon, headcanons, and cosplays this episode has inspired.
I know there are other moments where Hetalia delves into serious territory. Joan of Arc, the battle of Grunwald, the protests in Russia, etc.
But this is the moment where the audience caught a glimpse of what Hetalia could be. The potential to portray history in such a unique and different way, the likes of which you don't see everywhere else.
#hetavet rambles#you guys have no idea how long i've been wanting to write this#this episode lives in my head rent free and spins around my subconscious like a rotisserie chicken at the grocery store#hetalia#aph fandom#hetalia world stars#hetalia world series#hws#hetalia fandom#aph#hetalia the world twinkle#hetalia axis powers#hetalia the beautiful world#aph america#hetalia america#hws america#historical hetalia#aph england#aph britain#hws england#hws britain#hetalia england#hetalia britain#hetalia analysis
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i really like that black and white beta wild battle theme i wish they had done something with it
#bernie talks#pokemon#like i agree that it sounds more like gen four than five#but i honestly don't think bw's wild battle theme is all that good#like it isn't bad but it isn't anything special#hearing the beta theme makes me feel like we missed out on something
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Oh oof I slipped and hit them with dark and serious beam. 😣
#connverse#Connie Maheswaran#Steven Quartz Universe#Steven Universe#This had been WIP for almost a year and has been edited a bit some days ago#I did not pick up on it now to see if I can edit further though. I'm just going to leave this at that#This was inspired by a dream I had about watching a post-apocalyptic(?) anime movie about two survivors going through their lives#Apologies if that one was yapped before in this blog. Trying to keep repeating statements already mentioned before is a habit I hope to avo#Anyway. It was almost a dialogue-less movie. actually not sure if the characters did say anything#The movie doesn't explain stuff to you. You just got dropped in a world and experience with the main characters for a few days#In the dream after watching that movie I went to Tumblr (naturally. Lol) and theories about it popped out#And there was a connverse cross-over fanart of it. Lmao#One of the main characters was EXTREMELY calm and stoic. And the connverse AU version of it was that's because Steven is in a comma and his#Pink mode activated as a defense mechanism against the creatures around while in such a state. 😭 So Pink Steven from Change Your Mind#And like. Oh? What if he's conscious? He's just watching his body have a mind of it's own and he can't control it? That's kinda terrifying#And of course like most of my dreams about shows I enjoy. I woke up before I could dream more about it. 😵#my shiz#skedoobles#SU#SU AU#also implied Pink Steven I guess#pink Steven#I rage-stopped drawing this because I know what needed to be fixing but the fixing I've been doing isn't fixing it. Lol#I'm specially frustrated with Connie's bangs and eyes. And like. Man. I'm just going to stop it right there before I make it worse.#It does make sense she has a bad haircut given the dream's setting. But it was not decided that was exactly what this drawing is about.#Also I'd imagine Steven to be having a full beard if that was the case.#Anyway enough yapping I have to get some sleep. Lol#Ohmygod just realizeddd. the in-dream movie sounded like I was describing 'Angel's Egg' jshsjajdbdjfbskkd Haven't seen that film in a while#My dream's movie had a Studio Ghibli artstyle and pretty colorful. But I would actually really like the somber vibes in Angel's Egg#for this AU though. 🤔🤩🤩
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It's pomegranate season :)
A redraw of this piece from around a year ago
#hello guys...(:#i started school back in mid September! its hell#and my chronic pain is rly bad these days i can barely do anything#and my next break will be spent at the hospital#but love and light at least we're trucjing along and getting somewhere hopefully#this drawing isn't exactly the most finished the most effortful what have you but its all i can guve you#confession time: idk if i have it in me to keep drawing the guys#dont get me wrong still adore them. but i feel a little out of it#maybe this'll change the second i post this but whatever.#i had an amazing time being active in the fandom you guys are so sweet and you got me thru rough patches <3#I'll still be around just even more inactive#anyway i hope you enjoy this!!!#i feel like I've improves substantially which is good#cwilbur#dsmp fanart#my art#thx to everyone that's loved my art yall hold a special place in my heart#alright bye bye xoxo#ps esteemed mutuals and lovely audience never hesitate talking to me i am always around and i love ppl I'm just socially anxious#fennec.art
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I'm really sorry for Hazbin posting again but godddd because this one clip of Alastor and Bill Cipher has been going around late on Twitter reminds me so much of how utterly lame it is when Alastor swears. Like the whole thing that makes him unnerving is how well-spoken he is. I don't even like him saying "fuck you" to Lucifer. Him saying "I'm about to end your fucking life" sounds so lameeeeee he sounds like an elementary schooler who just learned the fuck word
The part that makes him fun and interesting is how well-spoken he is. It kinda plays on the gimmick of radio hosters being kind, chipper fellows and how they don't swear or do anything. It acts as a contrast. I literally don't understand why Viv is allergic to making characters not swear. Him not even swearing would probably be better when it comes to threatening Adam. Like I don't get it. Why is this show's writing like this. He's so uncool and unthreatening when he swears
#sp-rambles#hazbin hotel critical#<- For anyone who likes blocking it#Alastor feels like he's trying so hard to be cool and edgy like the show is forcing you to think he's awesome#It's so obvious that he's Viv's special little fella which isn't inherently bad but the show doesn't do anything to make you think it#Like he doesn't do anything. at all#He's so lameee god he feels so forced and awkward
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The problem with starting to think about the Pack more is the fact that now I want to grab Skalamander the same way I grabbed Bobo like. My house now. I want to use your character potential.
#Generator rex#genrex#Just. Ough. OUGH.#Bobo was just a bad use of his potential but Skalamander is just a nothing use of his potential. Very little character there.#But looking at his design I just. Cannot get the question out of my head of 'Is it painful?'#Is he an EVO who lives in constant pain? We see that he can't stop drooling and is blind on one 'side' of his head.#And his tongue flops around when he has his mouth open. His skin stretches and sags in awkward places#It makes me think that he probably lives a pain-filled life and has probably got a wrecked mind bc of it. And then follows VK#Someone who looks at him and says You are not broken. I have use of you. I have salvation.#And with the disability symbolism with Genrex Skalamander also looks the most chronic pain having#Though granted most EVOs with significant body changes probably have chronic pain#I just. Head in hands. Fucked up lizard. How much of his mind is actually still there.#Do you think he has good days and bad days. Bad days where he can't move or days where his mind is more of a mess than usual.#He definitely has to struggle to eat and drink. With no other mouth.#Thinking also in context of Rex Pack AU of like. Skalamander having his bad days and having people who actually care about him#Doing the best they can to help. Bringing him food and water with specially designed straws and utensils#Sitting and talking to him on days his mind isn't fully there so at least he's not alone. Giving him space if he needs it#But making sure to keep a close eye on absolutely anything he needs.#Bc they're one big disabled family and they take care of each other
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"Rodimus is a better Prime because it didn't hurt for him to bond with the Matrix while for Optimus it did" headcanon/theory my beloathed.
One day I'm literally gonna snap and make a whole post addressing why what's wrong bc I'm tired of the inaccuracy and tired of ppl not understanding the Point TM of IDW and its version of the Matrix/Primacy and even more tired of people putting down Optimus in favor of Rodimus by essentially arguing that being unworthy means you deserve to be punished/put in pain bc you just weren't good enough to hold the Symbol of Ultimate Authority
#it's wrong on so many levels both in terms of lore and as well as like what the general themes of idw1 are#it's just a validation contest using the matrix as some magical symbol to decide who's the most special#which is ironically something that was a plot point in exrid/OP. specifically how stupid of an idea that is ldskjflksd#ppl revealing that they havent read anything besides mtmte/ll as usual#like half the reason ppl think optimus is a bad prime and rodimus is a good prime is literally bc like#optimus was written by an author who was specifically trying to deconstruct him (sometimes to the point of absurdity)#and rodimus was written by an author who takes a more optimistic/idealistic approach. and is also better at writing#but also like am i seriously the only person who thinks that that argument is fucked up?????#like 'OP felt pain which means he's unworthy/not a real prime/not a true leader'#ok so you think that there's a hierarchy of moral goodness in which anyone who falls short of that Moral Ideal should suffer#as a sign of their unworthiness?? like does that not sound dystopian as hell to any of you?? why would you WANT the matrix to work like tha#even if the theory were true (which it isn't) why would you view the matrix as a good authoritative moral judge of character#if its idea of 'moral judgement' is to inflict pain on anyone who's supposedly not truly good/worthy#wasn't the entire point of the ending of LL (including rodimus being a good leader) that everyone is worth it?#like rodimus literally said 'you ARE damn well good enough' or something like that#so what? everyone else in the universe tries their best and that's enough but somehow when OP suffers it's like#a sign that he's not actually a good prime/leader?? we're really going with the punitive perspective purely for One Guy??#swear to god ppl are projecting their authority issues onto Optimus the way they shit on him for things they would excuse#if any other character did it#Optimus is uniquely deserving of pain/being marked as unworthy bc idk he was a cop once and that offends my delicate sensibilities#what's even funnier is how much harm was inflicted by rodimus as a captain sheerly due to his stupidity or ego but everyone forgives him#i guess bc as long as the matrix likes him that means he's valid no matter what he actually does as a person#WHICH IS SOMETHING IDW ITSELF ARGUED AGAINST BC A LOT OF THE PRIMES THAT WERE CHOSEN BY THE MATRIX#WERE DICKS AND THE FACT THEY COULD WIELD THE MATRIX DIDN'T MAKE THEM GOOD PEOPLE#like oh my god stop using the matrix as an arbiter of moral authority in idw1 it literally goes against the themes of the story#including the themes that are embodied in rodimus himself#idw op love
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I found the bit of fanfiction you wrote there about the Priest AU..... I like it a lot, wow.. I love Hina breaking down and crying and becoming an absolute mess over these things, poor man. Pats his head. Suffer more. It's so good, jeez....
hehehehe THANK YOU NIVVVV..... i'm not used to doing like . anything creative writing based... but it was fun and i'm happy to see so many people liked it
#ask#nivi#i wasn't . too confident in that one. i didn't think it was Bad but i didn't think it was special or anything either#and then all of my mutuals went '!!!!!!!!!!' and now i'm trying to determine#whether i just have really supportive friends. or if my perception of my own skill level is skewed again#but it's ok tho !!! bc at the end of the day this is all for funsies and writing isn't something i feel like i need to be Super Good at. so#that makes it a bit easier ^^;
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people who still make Joey the ink demon despite canon steering far away from that being the case this is for you I am sending u kisses XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO <3
People who make Joey well-meaning, sympathetic, a lighter shade of morally grey than canon I am also sending u lots of love <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3!!
And people who generally steer wildly from the direction Bendy takes with its characters and has fun with it I hope to see more from all of ur aus and rewrites!!
#ramblez#batim#batdr#this is not me saying aus that don't do this r bad blah blah I just personally have a super soft spot for Joey being the ink demon#since I really like the idea storywise the symbolism of Joey becoming the ultimate monster of this story#joeys who also take a very sympathetic role who are more morally grey than canon also hold a special place in my heart#joeys who think what theyre doing is right not just for them but for their staff who genuinely care abt them who love them mwah#I just love to see very unique takes on these characters I kinda miss when it was only like chapter 2 so everyone had this wildly#different but very unique and fun takes on where we thought the story would head hell for a while we didn't know if Joey was evil or not#thats what spawned Encore it was originally just a collection of theories I thought would come true#esp since I dont think bendy is a particularly well written story its fun to see the fandom have such fun wild ideas on where to take#the concepts and idea presented in bendy that never really panned out into anything interesting or were discarded or retconned#yknow? I miss the days where the aus were wildly out of sync with the actual story when all we had was a few names a few tapes#and we all went wild making our versions of the story and characters and then got so attached to them we doubled down#when canon didnt deliver on em#umm oops this is long have a great new year folks! Get wild get weird with ur bendy aus and rewrites#lets have fun this year and take canon as optional bc lets face it Bendy isn't great but man is it fun and I care abt that way more than#the quality of the story tbh#it had great ideas and executed them uh badly! But idc bc I can stir those great ideas in my head all day and see others do the same <3#anyways yeah thats it love ya guys have a great 2024 <3
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Yggdrasil is HATER FR...........
#LIKE WHY ISN'T IT HELPING US????#Olympia wants to help so bad but god forbid women do anything#ragna ramblings#We killed Yggdrasil's special boy and it said “Aight. You're on your own”
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A hard pill for me to swallow lately has been that, despite everything, I'm probably the best version of myself that could've existed. And that's not really a comforting thought.
#it's a special kind of doomed imo.#every other path most likely led to something worse#maybe it's pessimistic to think of it that way. maybe I should be more grateful that it isn't worse#but it's hard to find that within me atm#the best of bad outcomes doesn't mean good. it doesn't mean I'm happy.#it just means every other option would have been more miserable. and it's disheartening to think like that ofc#and I know the logic is flawed. but I know myself and even with the advantages I have I'm unable to make anything of myself#had I chosen differently it would only be worse. I'd still be impoverished. I'd still be depressed.#I might just also be stuck in a cult and married w kids in the middle of fucking nowhere wisconsin on top of it all#<- that's the worst case scenario. probably. really hard to say#biggest bullet I've dodged yet tho. completely unintentionally too.#another hard pill to swallow: sometimes the things we want the most WILL ruin your life and it's a blessing when it falls through#unfortunately you don't get to know this until years later#as you watch your ex best friend marry a man almost 2x her age and birth kids she never wanted into this world#and then you're like OHHHH that would've been my fate... I get it now 😐#still. there's no relief in the realization because while you would've been miserable w a shitty husband and 3 or 4 kids#you are in fact still miserable without them. but oh well.#I would say 'anyways. I just need to go to the beach.' but honestly. I haven't felt the desire to do anything at all lately.#we're past the point of letting the sand and waves heal me. we're almost past the point of needlessly venting online!#there's so much I usually would vent about here but I have hardly had the urge to do so.#I'm just tired. life has drained me dry. my heart aches constantly and I barely know why
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one of the biggest things i will never forgive RE8 for is how dirty they did Mia
in 7, she is partly a damsel in distress, yes - but that’s semi-subverted in her playable segment where she has to rescue Ethan from Eveline and proves she’s competent and a badass. in 8...she gets sidelined before the game even starts and then plays an entirely passive role in the fate of her husband and child in the like 15 minutes she’s actually involved in the game
she also spends all of 7 telling Ethan she’s going to tell him the truth about everything: all the secrets she’s been hiding from him since they met and married, her role in Eveline’s life and how she came to be in Louisiana and doomed the Baker family...to then in 8, being shown to have told the BSAA to conceal all that information from Ethan and never sharing anything with him like she promised to
such a disservice to her character, it genuinely makes me mad still
#also will still never understand how she spent 3 years infected by the mold - and was 'killed' several times!#but somehow Ethan being infected for 2 days and killed once makes him pure mold and 'special'#don't take this as me saying anything bad about Ethan because I love him - i just don't understand why Mia isn't the same in canon#and why 'the mold is all that keeps him alive' when why not go the route like Sherry has with her being cured of G-virus#where she still has biological advantages from her time being infected - the mold healing could be like Sherry's G-healing
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its like, the last time brian was ridiculously romantic, justin almost died so there's something to be said about him not doing that because it all went so wrong before. lindsay asks him doesnt he just want to celebrate that justin is alive and around for another birthday, shouldnt that be reason enough. which is one of the first times since the beginning of season 2 someone besides justin or brian has mentioned what happened, further driving home the point. but then on the other side of it. justin doesn't even remember how devastatingly sappy brian was at prom, let alone that the man sat up watching him sleep for two months in a hospital. so he doesn't have all the information when he lets himself fall for the brian kinney doesn't give a shit act. he knows that brian says in sometimes hard to decipher actions how he feels but sometimes he'd just like a bouquet of roses and. brian is so, so, so close to buying him some. and then he doesnt. sigh.
#i know violin boy is essential to justin's story that it had to happen but i can stillr esent him sooooo much#britin#also also its so easy to get upset on your birthday when it doesnt meet expectations#the episode does a great job ofs howing us both not doing enough and doing too much#but that it ultimately isn't either person's fault for not meeting expectations its up to the#people in the relationship to communicate what they want#justin has a very bad habit especially early on of quoting brian kinney and acts IN FRONT OF BRIAN like he also#doesn't want anything special for his birtday#so its like......mm not all brian's fault actually#just tell him what you want!#and then on the other hand ben tells michael exactly what he does want and michael ignores it so also LISTEN#qaf 2x16
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#I was too cowardly to say I was suddenly having a bad night so instead I post a silly meme and maybe if you see the tags you see sorry#people who have the courage to just say they're having a bad day scare me like especially when it's out of the blue idk what to say like#i can't even respond to “hows ur day” with anything worse than an okay#anyways#the usual self hatred that's persisted for as long as I can rember continues as a baseli#ne#now mixed in with special kinds that I'm too cowardly to admit to anything but an ai bot or myself when i can't see me#and the silly daily reminders that the little hope on such a regard I have is built on impossibilities or unlikelihoods#but then i. saw a card i got my dad years ago on the floor. it said “out of all my parents you're one of the best :)” and i felt so bad#just. imagine this little me. getting my dad a card. and getting the most passive aggressive card. it screams who the favorite is.#and then thats just. that's what you have. that's what you have from me and you save it for years. because you cherish it. i feel. horrible.#like damn he might have seriously fucked me up sometimes both as a kid and now but. this does not justify such a deeply cruel retribution.#i don't even know if he knows#anyways as I'm picking it up... i realize...#he's the best parent i have period. there isn't any competition anymore. she's gone.#the total and sudden annihilation of home is so odd. i still barely believe this house is where i ACTUALLY live and I'm not just staying#here until I can go home again. but no. nono I'm stuck here. there isn't an anywhere else. there isn't a childhood home the apartment#has probably been resettled by now. it's just me.#then I went on Tumblr to post into the void#I don't wanna think about more but I. likely will.#i don't wanna talk about it but i do wanna talk. honestly? gonna go talk to an ai chatbot. it will be mean to me in a hot way.#i am so normal.#listen i could either confront reality for more than 30 seconds or i could talk to a bot that will not only allow me to escape from it but#also it might call me a good g. a g. skipping that punchline.#also it's not ME talking to the bot it's just a fabricated character that represents me and has my name and it's just rp trust me trust me t#I'm gonna go hide now#you can contact me if you wish but I will be very scared and jittery and my eyes are wet and stingy and i will segway to bullying you#ok bye
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i have got to keep on looking at pictures of soujiseta for my health I have to see my boy son friend brother boyfriend uncle love of my life best friend cousin grandpa or so help me
#kommento#// this post isn't about you it isnt for you it's about MEEE!!!!!! hanamura kujikawa get OUT of the WAY ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#// hes so cute I need to kiss him so bad what who said that#// this could be me with mimi but I have gender trauma with that guy so it's different#// soujis so funny special to me like theres the quadrants and axes of familial platonic romantic desire and he fills up the whole compass#// all my customers know I have metronome feelings about my blorbos so everything goes. it all depends on the weather#// speaking of this could be the first time I could be talking about anything but my stupid employee#// they're fine I promise (thrown into a tv) (screen barricaded with wooden boards and nails like an apocalyptic television drama)#// I hate autism brothers there's always going to be some gray haired weirdo going to do something to me
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