#like it has nothing to do with their real life sexualities or their personal/professional relationships

[fallenangelblade]

Okay, so you know the story about how on New Girl, the writers had to keep Nick and Jess out of scenes together in the early episodes because the chemistry between Jake Johnson and Zooey Deschanel was so palpable that every single line they spoke to each other (or even standing near each other in a scene) seemed romantic? [x]

I genuinely think the same thing happened with Jensen and Misha on Supernatural. Like, they have such insane chemistry together on screen that it feels so easy to read Dean and Cas’ relationship as romantic, even if it wasn’t intended that way or portrayed that way knowingly at first. I think they brought so much nuance to Dean and Cas that was NEVER on the page, simply by nature of it being the two of them opposite each other.

[schtrawberry]

[3] personal astrology observations

[!] this is mostly an introspective view into my chart; in no way, shape, or form am i saying that any of this is fact or set in stone, nor am i saying that i am a professional astrologer. these are just presences that exist within my chart that i've felt manifest themselves in real life. simply put, take what resonates and leave what doesn't :)

— the observation that venus in the 9th house and sagittarius mars natives are far more likely to be attracted to foreigners and/or meet their future partner/s in a foreign country is true!

[nothing, just felt like confirming, esp as someone w both these placements 🤭 like, i honestly am more likely to be approached (in a romantic setting) by a foreigner both in-person and online!]

═ sun square neptune is the aspect of daydreamers. they're always thinking about an idealized version of the future or dwelling on the past. rarely do they ever think in the present. it is often easier for them to drift off into a daze either thinking about what could have been or everything that could be.

☰ chiron in fifth house indicates pain associated with creative passions and self-expression. one may have had negative experiences that have led them to feel insecure about these aspects of life; thus leading them to distance themselves from openly expressing themselves creatively. they may take great care to keep their works of art private, tone down certain parts of their personality, and may even feel ashamed to explain themselves when others ask them about certain aspects of their creative and self-expression because of negative feedback they could have gotten in the past.

but with such pain comes empathy and understanding. once developed, these natives are the first to take notice and are the fastest to lend a sensitive ear as well as a supportive hand as soon as they see others going through the same struggle.

☱ sun-lilith in harsh aspects might have been told to cover up more by both peers and grown-ups, even when wearing "acceptable" clothing when they were kids. this placement can indicate an individual that was more sexualized from a young age, which can lead to them either being hypersexual or overly-reserved sexually in adulthood.

☲ lilith in the 7th house can indicate an individual that struggles to commit and open up about who they are to their partner/s. people with lilith in this house may have had bad experiences with marriage (perhaps witnessing bad divorces or tumultuous long-term relationships between their parents) and therefore might be turned off by the thought of marriage and/or long-term partnerships.

and though this doesn't mean that the native will be a lone soul forever, it does make one more likely to have these sort of relationships at a significantly older age in comparison to other signs.

[tw: mention of domestic violence in my personal experience, i have witnessed my parents go through an incredibly bad separation (tons of emotional abuse, infidelity, and a situation actually involving domestic violence) which has honestly made me quite hesitant to get married, even as i approach my mid-20s.]

☴ the cancer rising urge to cry when someone you care about is crying or in distress in general.

☴ a few asteroid notes:

note: asteroids are less impactful to one's personality, physicality, etc. compared to personal planets. they tend to only be relevant to one's chart if they are either in a tight orb (0-1°) or have major aspects to personal planets, preferably conjunctions or oppositions.

✢ messalina (545) known as the most promiscuous woman in rome, empress messalina is still recognized today as a symbol of uncontrolled, violent, irrational, and impulsive behavior. this asteroid reminds me very much of lilith in that it is representative of dark feminine energy and having this prominent in one's chart can be indicative of an individual that is not afraid to use their sexuality to their advantage or to create harm unto others in different aspects of their lives, but especially in terms of romantic and sexual relationships.

✢ anagolay (3757) is an potentially hazardous asteroid named after anagolay, the tagalog goddess of lost things and the daughter of the hermaphroditic goddess of seasons, lakapati. she is culturally-recognized for her ability to find not only physical objects but also abstract possessions like lost opportunities and faded memories. having this prominent in one's chart can suggest an individual that is very in-tune with cycle of nature and the subsequent passage of time. they may be more sensitive to bouts of nostalgia where they dwell on things that could have been and the way that things were. may also just indicate a person that is hypersensitive to losing physical things, though.

[`] film: go (2001) dir. isao yukisada

last / next

[lurkingshan]

Well! I love nothing more than when a show immediately validates my read of the themes and character dynamics. Thank you, Love Sea!

This show is excellent, and I am really impressed by how seriously it's taking the class and queer politics of this relationship. That shower scene really laid out the power dynamic here: Rak thinks of Mut as an object he can buy, use, and discard as he likes (though that is already starting to shift by the end of this episode). He can't stop throwing money at Mut and assuming that's all it will take to control him: witness him sending money to stake his claim when he got jealous, and asking if Mut is amazed to finally see money. He's a rich prick!

But he's a rich prick who is clearly hurting and needs to heal from something, and Mut can see that. And because he's a good person, he cares. I am dying for more context to understand those trauma flashbacks we saw in this episode, and I continue to be impressed with Mut as a competent professional. My favorite scene in this episode was their discussion over lunch at the dock, where they directly discussed their class disparity and the differences in their perspectives about work. When Mut started talking about how hard it is to stay afloat starting a small business and his neighborhood auntie jumped in to underline that poor people have to be exceptional to have a chance, I wanted to kiss this show on the mouth. Mut has been hustling hard to make a life for himself. Rak, by contrast, pursued a career he thought was fun and that gave him an outlet for his sexuality, as his financial privilege allowed him to do.

Speaking of which, another fantastic scene this episode was when Rak checked in with Mut about whether they could be out in his hometown. He framed it as protecting Mut's reputation, but he was also asking about his own safety as an out gay man on this island. It was a small moment, but those are the touches that make this story feel genuinely queer, and I'm glad to see MAME continuing to level up on this in each successive show.

And speaking of leveling up, can we get a round of applause for Fort and Peat, who have somehow already managed to surpass the heat level of their Love in the Air sex scenes. I hardly knew it was possible to do more, but they have proven me wrong and had my jaw dropping a few times in this episode. I really like that they became sexually involved before any real affection has developed between them and that the sex isn't necessarily the thing building their bond; it's the moments when they connect outside of sex that are engaging their emotions. But in the meantime, they clearly have off the charts chemistry and they are both happy to indulge. Power to them!

[inbloomwriting]

Everything to me - Chapter 2

Chapter two - Blueberry & Kidney Bean

Chapter 1

Plot: Jamie Tartt is a lot of things: professional footballer, the island's top scorer .... sexually, extremly handsome. But one thing he never saw himself as was a dad. Too bad he has to deal with the consequences of his own actions. This fic follows reader and Jamie as they navigate life and turn from practially strangers to parents. Pairing: Jaime Tartt x female reader Warnings: Pregnancy, swearing, mentions of food and alcohol, slight mention of sexual intimacy (nothing graphic), strained/toxic parental relationship Notes: 5.6k words. I do not have a set uploading schedule. Please bear with me as I work on this story. I know hardly anything about pregnancy, all my information comes from google. I tagged everyone who asked me to do it when I posted part 1. Please let me know if you want to be taken off or added to the taglist. Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated. I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please

The store smells like dust and cardboard and old carpet. It's not necessarily a bad smell, it just doesn't live up to her memories.

She remembers the perpetual scent of menthol cigarettes and some kind of cheap men's perfume wafting through the air. The store used to smell like her dad and now it doesn't. And that just makes it all even more real.

Boxes upon boxes litter the room, filled with records. Some older, some newer. Guitars adorn one wall while the others are covered in posters from tours that happened long ago, some even before she was born.

There is something comforting about being here. It’s like stepping back into the past. Long nights watching Dad and his friends play their guitars after store-closing. Discovering new bands whenever a new shipment of records came in. And yes - she is the first to admit that in her younger years, she mostly chose the records by how cool the cover looked. 

It’s also memories of Dad getting caught up in the after-hours jam sessions and forgetting about her dance recital and that one time he threw a guitar at the window out of anger that a shipment of records got lost. It took him months to get the window replaced. She could probably still trace exactly where the crack used to be. 

Being here is very reminiscent in all the good and bad ways. But it’s a warped version of the past. One that’s laced with all the knowledge she has now. Like a movie that you’ve seen a million times.

“I don’t think pregnant women are supposed to be doing that!�� 

Jamie’s voice cuts through the nostalgia-induced fog like a sunbeam through the clouds. And it also gives her a little heart attack as the only sound filling the room up until now had been her moving around and the soft tunes of an Eric Clapton record playing in the background.

“Jesus fuck! You scared me. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to startle pregnant women either and give them heart attacks.” 

He looks at her with those big expressive eyes of his and a comically overdone pout on his lips. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. But seriously give me that.” 

He’s so quick to take the box of records from her hands (Y/N) hardly has time to process what’s going on. 

Quite honestly, his worry is a bit misplaced here but she appreciates the sentiment even if he might be a little overly cautious at that moment. It feels nice to be cared for. 

“You know I’m pregnant, not sick, right? I can carry stuff.” 

“Yeah but why would you if you got me carrying it for you?” 

He has a point, she has to give him that. 

“Fair enough. Those go over there in the corner please.” 

Jamie follows her order without hesitation and, after setting the box down in its designated place, his eyes dart across the room and light up with childlike wonder and curiosity.

“This used to be your dad’s place, yeah? It looks really neat with all them posters and shit. Like stepping into an old person’s mind but like a cool old person that buys you alcohol when you’re 15 and lets you watch horror movies when your mum said no.” 

Of all the adjectives in the world, (Y/N) wouldn’t ever think of using the word “cool” to describe her dad. He was creative and fun and eccentric and stubborn — but cool? 

Then again he was her dad and no one ever likes to think of their own parents as cool. Oh god, will their kid think she’s uncool?! 

“Uh yeah, the shop and the apartment right above us. He owned it, now I do. I’m trying to get it all fixed up and ready to be sold.”

“What? Why?” 

There is something to be said about Jamie’s face and his absolute inability to mask his emotions. Everything he thinks and feels is mirrored twice as vividly on his face. He’s all furrowed brows and pouty lips. 

“I mean — it’s a record store. People don’t really buy records anymore. Be honest, when was the last time you bought one instead of just streaming the music?” 

“Like two weeks ago.” 

“Fuck off, no you didn’t!” 

“Uh — yeah, I did. Olivia Rodrigo if you must know.” 

A soft giggle falls from (Y/N)’s lips. How fitting for Jamie to buy an album full of teenage angst. 

“Well, you’re one of very few people though. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to sell. I’d keep it open. Instead of selling instruments, it’d turn that part of the shop into a little stage with a coffee counter or a bar. Host open mic nights and shine a spotlight on undiscovered artists. But the world isn’t perfect and there is no way I can afford to turn that vision into reality so really there’s no use in letting myself get too caught up in it.” 

There is pity in his eyes and she hates it. She doesn’t want pity, not his or anyone else’s. Has seen enough of it, especially lately. If she had received just one more “Sorry for your loss” card in the mail from relatives she hadn’t seen in decades, she probably would’ve stabbed a fork in her own eye. Pity does no good to no one. 

“Anyway, Jamie. Not that I don’t enjoy hanging out with you, it’s kind of necessary if we want to get this whole beings-friends-thing right, but uh — what are you doing here?” 

“Jesus, can’t a guy just come around to say hi to his baby? “ 

She thinks the way he says the word “Baby” in his thick accent is surprisingly and undeniably adorable. As if it ends in an “eh” instead of a “y”.

“By the way, they’re as big as a blueberry now.” 

And the way he’s keeping track of the baby's growth gets her right in the heart. For some reason, this seems to come so naturally to him when it all still feels weird and foreign and surreal to her. As if it were happening to someone else and she’s just a mere spectator. The idea that something as small as a blueberry will one day turn into a proper baby, a child, a teenager … a whole ass adult - is so wild to her. Almost incomprehensible. A person with their own feelings and dreams and personality. (Y/N) wonders if at any point in this pregnancy, she'll wake up and it'll all just make sense or if that only comes once she's holding the baby in her arms.

“That's cute. Doesn't answer my question though. What brings you here?”

A shadow of something flickers across Jamie’s face. Something unreadable and unfamiliar. Something that makes (Y/N) feel a sense of dread bubbling up in her stomach.

“I uh — I can’t do this.”

And there it is. That unfamiliar shadow is now a metaphorical atom bomb, a mushroom cloud of all that could have been and won’t be.

“Oh okay. I mean no, not okay. This sucks actually. You said you wanted to be part of the baby’s life and now you’re bailing? That’s a shit move, Jamie. You’re a right prick for pulling that crap.” 

“What? Oh no!” his eyes widen as the realization sets in. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Well then what did you mean? Cause you’re truly giving me a heart attack right now. Second one for today. You really need to start working on your conversation starters.” 

She had given him the chance to opt out of being a dad, to not be a part of the baby’s life. It seemed like the right thing to do and, foolishly, (Y/N) had believed that she’d be okay with him doing just that. In this very moment though, she feels everything but okay. The idea of Jamie changing his mind is terrifying. 

Sometimes you don’t realize just how much you need something — or someone until you’re faced with the possibility of losing them.

“I mean, I can’t do this alone. I need to tell someone. All I keep thinking about is the baby and I feel like I am going to explode any second now. I know we can’t tell everyone yet ‘cause of — well you know, things going wrong and stuff. But I need to tell someone. You got to tell Rebecca and your mum, I think it’s only fair I get to tell two people as well, yeah?”

A sense of relief floods her. Starts in her toes and fills her all the way to the top of her head. He wants this — wants the baby. It’s not just her in this. It’s nice to know you have someone in your corner. It’s also scary. Because he deserves to know just whose team he’s on. And being vulnerable fucking sucks. 

“Jamie, that’s fine. Absolutely you can tell your mum.” 

“And Simon? You got two people so — “

“I didn’t though.” 

“Uh yes, you did. I know you told Rebecca.” 

“That’s right.”

“And your mum too”.

The silence that follows his words is deafening. Being vulnerable means also admitting guilt. It means owning up to all of your mistakes. Though we are not the sum of our mistakes, they are what help shape the person we become. And (Y/N) really doesn’t think they make her a very good one.

“And your mum too?” 

More silence.

“You didn’t tell your mum? Why not? “

To his credit, Jamie looks truly surprised and confused. There is no judgment there, just absolute bewilderment and that signature softness that rounds out his features and settles in his eyes whenever Jamie talks to her about something serious. Granted they’ve not had that many conversations but she hopes that softness stays. She hopes that maybe their baby can have those soft, gentle eyes too.

“I’m not sure. I think I’m scared. My mum and I have a — complicated relationship. I disappoint her, she judges me. You know, the usual.” 

“You think she’ll be disappointed because we're having a baby? Is it because of me?”

(Y/N) shrugs, breaking eye contact and fixing her gaze on the old grey carpet with the ugly 90s pattern. What if those soft eyes can look straight through her, see all the ugly parts and the insecurities? That’s too scary for now. Too much too soon.

“No, it has nothing to do with you. Think she’ll just be disappointed I didn’t get pregnant according to the timeline she dreamed up for my life when I was like 2 years old. Had it all planned out for me and I never stuck to it.” 

Jamie is quiet for a moment but (Y/N) doesn’t dare to look back up at him. She can’t deal with any more pity.

“Well if you want to practice telling a mum, we can start with mine.”

“Huh?” 

“You can come to Manchester with me if you want. To tell my mum. We’ll have one mum down then, makes it easier to do it a second time. It’s science.” 

Jamie has the fascinating quality of making you believe in his words just by being so undeniably charming and because he believes in them himself. He makes it look easy when it is everything but.

“And if things don’t go well with your mum at least you’ll know you have at least one mum you can rely on, even if it’s not your own. She raised me pretty much by herself so she knows a thing or two about babies and parenting and stuff.” 

The mocking raise of (Y/N)’s right eyebrow doesn’t go unnoticed by Jamie who opens his lips to a silent gasp and clutches his chest with an overly dramatic gesture. 

“What? You saying I didn’t turn out perfectly?”

“No,” she laughs, a lightness festering in her chest. Like the first rays of sunshine after a cold winter that never seemed to end. Like a glass of wine after a long day at work. Like your favorite song on the radio at the exact moment you need it most. “I think you turned out exactly the way you were supposed to.” 

“Thanks,” Jamie says with that cheeky smile playing on his lips that makes him look a little younger than he actually is. Then he dares to wink at her and it’s a little annoying but also insanely charming. “Not sure you meant it as a compliment but I am taking it. Now when are you free for a trip up to Manchester?” 

(Y/N)’s been on a lot of road trips around the country when she was younger. She’s even spent a whole summer traveling Europe, partially by train but most of the time was spent stuffed in a Fiat Punto with 3 of her friends and all their luggage. It was stuffy, it was chaotic and it was immensely fun. None of those road trips ever involved a shiny black Aston Martin Rapide though. 

Or a famous footballer dressed in the ugliest lime green sweater (Y/N) has ever seen. 

“That’s all the luggage you got?” Jamie questions as he moves the black shades off of his eyes and sets them on the top of his head, holding back some of his hair. It shouldn’t work so well but it does. 

“I mean, we’re only staying for a night right? Why? Should I have brought more? How much did you pack?” 

He glances at her, then towards the car, and back at her. A sheepish look crosses his face before being replaced by his childlike cheekiness. “That’s confidential. Don’t worry about it, yeah?” 

“I got my ginger lollies, that’s all that matters really.” 

“You feeling alright?” 

“Mh, I’m good. Just pregnant.” 

His eyes drop down to her stomach for just a second before he nods his head in what (Y/N) can only describe as a mix of pride and satisfaction. “Yeah, you are.” 

That’s new. Well not new-new but it hasn’t happened since the day of the funeral. That tingly feeling in her stomach that has fuck all to do with the baby and everything with how the baby got there. Yes, Jamie is hot and (Y/N) is the first to admit as much but there has been so much stress and chaos and she hardly had time to think about anything but surviving and making sure not to completely lose herself in bad visions of what-ifs that her brain has had no time to process any feelings of arousal or lust. That look he just gave her though, that one made her remember it for just a second.

“You sure you’re alright?” 

Jamie’s voice shakes her from her daydream and brings her back to the real world, her eyes focusing back on the obscene car parked in front of her tiny apartment building looking so insanely out of place.

“Uh yes, I’m fine. I just — sometimes I forget that you’re famous.” 

Jamie regards her for a moment before shrugging his shoulder and grabbing the bag from her hands. “I don’t. It’s fun. Now come on, let’s goooooo.” 

His voice is dipped in excitement and there’s a bounce in his step. If this is how the prospect of seeing his mother makes him feel and behave, she must be one lovely woman. Whenever (Y/N) thinks of her own mother her chest fills with tiny metaphorical icicles. Sharp and rough and painful. It’s all regret and judgment and disapproval. It’s “You gained weight”, “you look tired”, and “You should really look into getting a new job”. Daggers disguised as roses. Stabs right to the heart in the name of being honest. “I just care about you, because I love you, because I am your mother!” 

If there is one thing (Y/N) knows for sure, it’s that she will never ever find the need to resort to criticism and thinly veiled malice in order to show her child that she cares. They will know. Every single day. Because she’ll make sure to show them. Every single day in all the big and tiny ways a person can show their love. 

“Kidney Bean?”

“Kidney Bean. And apparently, the baby is sprouting webbed fingers and toes right now. Oh, and it’s starting to move!” 

“Can you feel that?” 

“No, not yet.” 

“It’s mental. Last week she was the size of a blueberry and now she’s a kidney bean. Kid’s growing up too fast.” 

It’s true. There is so much happening all at once and it’s almost impossible to really process it all. Suddenly there is a tiny spark of a human inside her. Not really a baby yet but a baby to her. And it's moving and developing and changing every second of every day. Fucking insane.

“Wait … you said she. You think it’s a girl?”

Maybe it’s the sunlight casting a glow through the windshield but (Y/N) is almost certain she can just about make out a blush dusting Jamie’s cheeks. 

“Dunno.”

“Jamie Tartt, do you want to be a girl dad?” 

He glances at (Y/N) through the corner of his eyes for just a moment but it’s enough for her to see the sincerity in him. This is something he’s thought about before. Learning new things about Jamie is fascinating.

“Ah,  it’s stupid, really. It’s — It’s dumb or whatever.” 

“No, come on, don't go shy on me now. Tell me.” 

He takes a deep breath. A moment passes then another. There is no rush. Sometimes silly thoughts are the result of harsh truths. 

“Told you my dad was a prick. Like the biggest piece of shit walking this earth, yeah? And I knew that all my life. Thing is I still tried to impress him. I just — I wanted him to like me so badly. Just felt wrong that me own dad didn’t care about me and that made me angry. And I kept that anger inside me for so long. Sometimes when I think about the baby and the future I am scared that if I have a son that anger will jump over to him. Like maybe all Tartt men are cursed or some shit like that. But if I had a little girl maybe that would make it easier for me to be a good dad. I don’t mind either way, obviously, but the idea of having a son scares me.” 

It’s the most vulnerable he’s been with her so far and by the way he clenches his jaw and grabs onto the steering wheel just a little tighter, (Y/N) can tell this isn’t easy on him. It means a lot that he shares this part of him with her anyway. It feels like they are actually becoming friends. So opening up to him in return is only half as horrifying. 

“When I was a kid, maybe 11 or 12, I wrote a short story for school and I won an award. They did this big ceremony thing where the 3 finalists got to read their stories out loud for an audience and then receive their prizes. My mum didn’t show up, not sure if it was because she stayed longer at the office and didn’t care enough to leave on time or if she just didn’t feel like getting out of the house. Point is, she wasn’t there. When I came home that night I was sad, obviously, and I was also pissed. Because why the fuck couldn’t she take one night off to come see me succeed at something even if it wasn’t something she deemed worthy of praise. 

So I yelled at her and I’m sure I said some hurtful things. But I was so devastated and angry and I needed an outlet for once. She called me ungrateful but I was used to that, she always called me ungrateful. Then she looked at me with that look of absolute resignation and malice and she said that she hopes I have a daughter like me one day and that she makes me realize how hard it is to love me. 

When I think of the baby, sometimes I see a little girl too. One that I will love so much she never has to doubt it for a single second. And I will also prove my mother wrong. Because it will be so easy to love my little girl and it would’ve been so easy to love me, her little girl.” 

It’s the first time she’s ever said those words out loud. Truly, (Y/N) had not expected for them to come out in an Aston Martin, on the way to meet her baby’s father’s mother but life doesn’t seem to care for plans very much these days.

Softly, as if to not startle her, Jamie places his hand on hers, squeezing gently.

“I think your mum is a right bitch.” 

“Thanks. I think your dad is a huge asshole.” 

“We’re gonna be better than them, right?” 

It’s not really a question. It’s more of a promise.

“We will. I know it.”

His hand doesn’t leave hers for a good long while. 

The nerves don’t hit her until they pull up to the quaint little house with the white front. There’s a rose bush to the side and some kids playing football just across the way. The nerves don’t hit her until Jamie puts the car in park but when they do, they hit her like a freight train.

“Woah, you alright?” 

“Huh?” 

“You look all pale and like you’ve seen a ghost or something. Do you have to puke?”

A chuckle falls from her lips at the absurdity of it all. In all honesty, she’s not met a lot of parents yet but the few she did meet were parents of actual partners. People she had been dating for a while. It was a natural progression of steps. This is all wrong and sideways and topsy-turvy. You’re supposed to meet the mum first and then get pregnant. 

Again with the life and the plans. 

“I’m fucking nervous.” 

“Hah,” Jamie laughs. The audacity of this guy. “You’re nervous to meet my mum? Why? She’s an angel.”

“Do you not know how intimidating that is? Like, if she was shit I wouldn’t care but she sounds wonderful and I want her to like me. No, I need her to like me. Desperately. And I can only imagine what she thinks of me already. Some floozy who gets knocked up and really just wants your money.” 

Before she even fully realizes what’s happening, (Y/N) feels Jamie’s hands on her cheeks, framing her face in warmth.

“Calm down, please. I promise it’ll be alright. My mum will love you, I know it. Probably more than she loves me. Actually no that’s a lie, but she will love you and she will love our baby. Promise.”

“She’s not gonna judge me for — you know. Getting pregnant even though we’re not dating or anything.” 

“My mum was married to my dad, worst person on planet Earth. Don’t think she’s in any position to judge you. It’ll be alright, trust me.” 

She hardly knows this man and yet she can’t help but do just that. Trust him.

The first thing (Y/N) notices about Georgie is her smile. A smile that is so familiar because it looks exactly like Jamie’s smile. Warm and radiant and true. A part of (Y/N) hopes that their baby inherits that same smile. Partially because it’s a really good smile and partially because maybe that could help Jamie realize that he is more than the sum of his father’s problems and mistakes. He is all his mother’s boy.

“Oh, I missed you, my baby.” 

Georgie wraps her arms around Jamie’s middle, getting swallowed by his frame for a moment. There’s no denying that part of (Y/N)’s heart breaks a little seeing how loving of a relationship these two have and wondering where she and her own mother went wrong.

And as it so happens with so many kids that have never been loved quite the way they deserved, (Y/N) can’t help but search for the problem in herself. 

“Yeah sorry for not visiting earlier. You know how it is with training and stuff.” 

“Don’t worry about it. I know my boy is busy being a star.” 

The words hold a slight mocking, never mean but in the way that only people who are close can tease each other. You know every word comes laced with deep affection, with pride, with love.

“And it’s so nice to meet you too. I’m Georgie.” 

It takes a second for (Y/N) to realize that Jamie’s mum is now talking to her directly.

“I uh — oh thank you. Nice to meet you too, I’m (Y/N).” 

Georgie smells like mint chewing gum and floral perfume as she pulls (Y/N) into a hug. She’s soft and gentle and it’s been the first hug from a mother (Y/N) has received in quite some time.

“Sorry, didn’t even ask if you’re a hugger.”

“Oh that’s alright, don’t worry about it.” 

She’s not a hugger, never really was, but there is something about Georgie granting her some affection that isn’t all that bad. Maybe their kid can have at least one grandmother who cares and who isn’t completely disgusted by the idea of showing any kind of positive emotions.

“Jamie never brings girlfriends around so I’m a bit out of my element here if I’m being honest.” 

“Mum we’re not — she’s not.” Jamie takes a big breath before starting again “(Y/N) and I are friends, yeah? Told you about it on the phone.” 

“Right, right. Well, you don’t bring around a lot of friends either so same difference, really. Now come inside will you, I’m sure we got a lot to catch up on.”

Oh if only she knew how true that sentiment really is.

There are pictures of Jamie staring back at (Y/N) from every corner of the house and Georgie leads them through the hallway and towards the kitchen. Every wall and every shelf holds a memory of him at one point in his life. Gap toothed with a football in hand smiling, surrounded by a field of tulips arm wrapped around his mother’s shoulder, his teenage self smoldering at the camera with an even more questionable haircut than the one he is sporting right now. Oh to be loved in a way that every past version of you is being remembered.

As they reach the kitchen a sweet scent fills the room when a man clad in an apron turns around and faces them with a huge smile playing on his face. He has a dorky kind of charm to him that immediately puts you at ease. Maybe it’s just the frilly apron, maybe it’s the big oven gloves, maybe it’s the smile. Either way, (Y/N) thinks that if they take the news well, her kid might have truly lucked out on one side of the grandparents department. 

“Jamie, welcome home.” 

“Hi Simon, thanks, mate. Glad to be back. This is (Y/N).” 

“The friend, right.” Simon says and shoots Georgie a look that neither of them misses. Subtlety doesn’t seem to be one of his best qualities. “It’s nice to meet you, (Y/N).”

“Nice to meet you too. It smells amazing in here.” 

“I found this new recipe for honey blondies. Not sure if they'll be any good but I guess we'll find out. If you guys want to go have a seat, I'll come bring them over.”

“Actually,” Jamie speaks up while nervously fiddling with his hands. “I was hoping we could have a talk before we do anything else. There’s something I need to tell you both.” 

Imagining the hypothetical scenario of telling your mum you’re having a baby and actually doing it really are two completely different things it seems. Gone is all of Jamie’s confidence and replaced with a whole lot of anxiety. 

“You're worrying me, Jamie. What has you acting so serious? Did you get someone pregnant or something?”

Georgie's words are followed by a thick awkward silence. It's heavy and suffocating and it makes (Y/N) feel uneasy in both her heart and her head.

It doesn't take long for Jamie’s parents to realize what his silence means. Everything communicated by not saying a single word.

“Oh, fuck.”

And there's nothing to add to Georgie's reaction. It's the exact same one (Y/N) had when she first saw those faint blue lines.

Of all the possible outcomes and ways this day could’ve gone, (Y/N) had not expected to find herself staring at not only a curly-haired Roy Kent but also come face to face with two very persuasive arguments belonging to no other than Keeley fucking Jones. 

“This is surreal.” 

The posters stare back at her all crinkled paper and bleached ink, as if to mock her silently. 

“Ah, well I told them to redecorate when I moved out, think they just haven’t gotten around to it yet.” 

A light dusting of pink settles on the apples of Jamie’s cheeks as well as the tips of his ears. This man can’t hide his emotions for the life of him. It’s quite adorable really. 

“Do they know?” 

“Does who know?” 

“Roy and Keeley. Do they know you have their pictures up in your room?”

“Well no and It’s not my room anymore, is it? ‘S not like I have ‘em hanging at home. Put these up ages ago.” 

A giggle slips through (Y/N)’s lips at his desperate attempt to talk himself out of this situation. 

“It’s okay, Jamie. I won’t tell.” 

“There’s nothing to tell, alright?” he responds in mock offense before sitting down on his childhood bed next to (Y/N). “Just liked boobs and football and those two were the best those fields had to offer, yeah? Can’t really blame me.” 

“Not much has changed has it?”

He shrugs his shoulders in response “Nah. Still like boobs and football but no way I’d put up a poster of granddad’s ugly mug nowadays.”

From the few times they talked about his job, including his teammates and coaches, (Y/N) was able to gather that Jamie’s relationship with Roy is something special. Odd, but special. Maybe that’s what happens when you end up working with your childhood idol. Either way, no matter how much shit he likes to talk about him, it’s clear that Jamie respects and admires Roy a great deal still.

“And uh — and Keeley?” 

“What about her?” 

“Is she — are you — how are things?” 

She still remembers that crestfallen look on his face on the day of the funeral. That infinite sadness in his eyes. She hadn’t put two and two together at that moment but later that night it all clicked. Keeley was the woman he was in love with, the woman who did not love him back. And while (Y/N) knows that she and Jamie are only bound together by happenstance and fate — if one chooses to believe in that, and that there is nothing romantic about their situation, it does sting a little to know that the man you’re having a baby with is in love with someone else.

“We’re good. We’re friends, think that’s all we’ll ever be. Her and Roy, they’re happy and I don’t want to ruin it for either of them. Keeley and I just were not right together.” 

“And you’re okay with that?” 

He nods his head, a small smile playing on his lips “Yeah, I’m alright with it. If I hadn’t made a fool of myself at the funeral then you and I wouldn’t have — you know, and then we wouldn’t be having a baby. Little Kidney Bean.” 

“That’s true. Your mum seemed excited.” 

“Hah, sorry about her. She can be intense.” 

Intense might be the understatement of the century. It took her approximately 2.3 seconds to get over the initial shock of the announcement and really process it before Georgie let out a scream of pure excitement and joy and wrapped both Jamie and (Y/N) up in her arms. She didn’t fully let go for a good 20 minutes. It was intense. It was also phenomenal.

“Don’t apologize. I am so glad she took it so well, Simon too. At least now I’ll have the certainty that my baby will have one set of loving grandparents at least.” 

“Hey,” Jamie says and nudges her shoulder with his “We’ll sort out telling your mum next, okay. I’m sure it’ll go better than you think. And if not we can always call up my mum for some more hugs and a pep talk. Whatever happens, you won’t have to do it alone. I promise.” 

For what is probably the first time in her life (Y/N) lets herself believe that there truly is someone else having her back, undisputedly and all the way. It’s unfamiliar. It’s a little scary. It’s also wonderful.

“Thanks, Jamie. I appreciate it, I really do. Think so far we’re doing alright, huh?” 

“I’d say so. Two sexy parents and a little Kidney Bean.” 

Their laughter echoes through Jamie’s childhood bedroom for quite a while longer until at some point it stills and gives room to soft breathing and quiet snores. The bed isn’t meant for two grown adults and really Jamie truly meant to sleep on the couch but somewhere between talks of baby clothes and childhood memories, eyes grew heavy and tired, and soon enough both of them are fast asleep.

Just them and their little Kidney Bean 

— and a curly-haired Roy Kent 

— and Keeley’s boobs.

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[stolenslumber]

devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes (pjs)

Jay needs someone to pretend to be his girlfriend, and you’re just the person for the job— seriously, you’re almost a professional at this point, regularly charming the families of your idiot twin’s friends who need your help getting their parents off their back. Of course, leave it up to Jay to blur the lines of your fake relationship so smoothly that you catch real feelings; falling in love has never been this easy.

PAIRING: park jongseong x female reader GENRE: acquaintances to partners in crime to fake dating to lovers i guess? lol, college au, vaguely greek life au, vaguely rich kid au, fluff fluff fluff, jake is the mc’s twin bc i thought it would be funny WARNINGS: swearing, kissing and suggestive content/sexual themes WORD COUNT: 14.4k A/N: ik the ages don't line up here shhhh just ignore that okay

NOW AVAILABLE: hang your head low in the glow (companion fic/follow-up)

“WHY DO YOU LOOK SO NICE?” 

“Why do you sound so surprised?” You scoff, tossing the apple you were just about to eat at Jake’s head. Annoyingly, he catches it in mid-air, then makes a show out of polishing it with his shirt and taking a big bite out of it. “Hey, I was going to eat that, asshole.”

“Shouldn’t have thrown it at me, then.” 

You roll your eyes at your twin, then go to retrieve another apple from the fruit bowl. It’s surprisingly well-stocked, given that you’re in a frat’s kitchen. Honestly, it’s surprising that there even is a fruit bowl in a frat’s kitchen, but the president of this frat runs a tight ship.

Said president appears in the doorway just then, snatching the apple from your hands as well as the one from Jake’s hands. “Guys, seriously, you have to wash these before you eat them.”

You and Jake both whine simultaneously. “Chan!” 

“I already took a bite out of that, bro,” Jake complains.

“I’m starving; please have mercy,” you beg.

Chan whips his head around from where he’d begun washing the apples in the sink to fuss at you. “What? Why haven’t you eaten yet? It’s almost 9pm!”

“Which reminds me— why do you look so nice?” Jake repeats.

“I had a thing with Mark,” you sigh. 

“You can just say you were pretending to be his girlfriend; we all know what you mean,” Jake snorts.

“I had a thing with Mark,” you repeat, resisting the urge to throw another apple at Jake’s head. “It was at this ballroom downtown, and of course he had nothing to wear, so I had to take him shopping first, which made us late, and then his parents wouldn’t stop talking my ear off about how I need to convince him to give up the music major, so I couldn’t touch any of the food there. Not even the foie gras torchon,” you recall mournfully. “We just got back, like, five minutes ago.”

Chan hums sympathetically— he knows how much you love foie gras torchon. “You can probably ask for an endless supply in return for your appearance at today’s thing,” he suggests, only half-joking. It absolutely sounds like the kind of thing Mark Lee would agree to, what with his ridiculously large inheritance and hapless generosity (last month, Mark lost thousands of dollars in some animal shelter-related pyramid scheme, marketed to him by none other than Lee Haechan).

You wave a hand dismissively. “Nah, I’m keeping Mark’s favor for something else.”

Jake raises an eyebrow. “What else?”

“Whatever it turns out I need in the future, dumbass. What’s it to you, anyways?” 

“Just wanna make sure the poor guy doesn’t end up trapped in your snares forever, little sis. Yo, can I have that apple back?” Jake turns to Chan with characteristic puppy eyes.

“You’re only older than me by eight minutes,” you grumble, the age-old retort slipping out of you before you can help it.

“No, Jaeyun, you cannot. And don’t talk to your sister like that— oh my god, why do I sound like Taeyong,” Chan mutters, thinking about his predecessor frat-president-slash-mother-hen. 

“Jeez, government name and everything.” Jake holds his hands up, relinquishing his claim to the apple.

“In fact, your sister gets to have both of these apples, after I clean and cut them up, because she is a saint for continuing to save our asses from our parents like this,” Chan lectures, unceremoniously carving out the chunk of the apple with Jake’s bite marks and tossing it into the trash bin.

“Real ones get it!” You reach out and high-five Chan. 

“That is so unfair, c’mon, man!” Jake splutters. “She gets just as much out of these fake relationships— seriously, didn’t you drive her around everywhere for, like, a month after she went to that wedding with you?”

Both you and Chan shudder at the memory. “Ugh, my worst cousin and the worst guy he was ever with. They’re still married, by the way.” Chan shakes his head. “God knows why.”

“Love conquers all…?” Jake offers.

“What the hell are you talking about love for,” a new voice grumbles. Park Jongseong strolls in through the doorway, hands full with plastic bags promising wonderful things based on how your stomach reacts to the smell.

“Oh, hell yeah, chicken!” Jake cheers. “Took you long enough, bro.”

“Traffic was hell; something about a ball downtown, and— oh. Hey.” Jay stops abruptly at the sight of you, now munching on the apple slices Chan hands you, one by one.

You wave vaguely in his direction, too busy eating to respond. Jay is one of your brother’s friends who you don’t know that well, since you’ve never pretended to be his girlfriend. It’s strange that you two don’t know each other better, actually— as the social chairs of your sorority and his fraternity, respectively, you would usually have a lot to work on together. But this year has been particularly busy for you, what with your senior thesis and your various things with Jake’s frat brothers, and you had delegated most of your social chair responsibilities to your co-chair, Yunjin, who was far better suited to the social part of the job, anyways. You suspected Jay had done the same thing, since the two of you only ever texted to confirm budgets for any joint events.

“You need to have more than one-and-three-quarters of an apple for dinner,” Chan scolds you, parental instincts back in full force.

You shrug, about to turn around and rifle through the cabinets to see if you can find some peanut butter to add to your apple slices when a takeout container appears in front of you. Tired and still starving, you react rather slowly, your eyes tracing up the hand on the container to the veins of an arm belonging to none other than Jay.

“You look hungry,” is all he says, before popping the container open for you and rearranging the rest of the plastic bags on the counter. “Jake, tell the others to come down for food.”

The others means that soon, there will be an influx of hungry frat brothers in the kitchen, and you have no desire to be anywhere near that, so you mumble a quick thank you to Jay, plop the rest of the apple slices into the takeout container (against Chan’s complaints about the contamination), and move to leave the kitchen, eager to be on your way to your sorority house.

The last thing you overhear before you leave is Jay asking, “Why did your sister look so nice?”, and Jake and Chan responding in unison, “She had a thing.”

A few days later, when they’re doing work in the library, Jay asks Jake, “So how long have Mark and your sister been seeing each other?”

Jake’s pencil jerks across his graph paper, a jagged line appearing on the page at the same time that he swears. “Dude, what the fuck?”

“Dude, what the fuck,” Jay echoes flatly. “Didn’t you say she had a thing with Mark?”

Jake blinks. “Well, sure, in the same way that she’s had a thing with Chan, and Yeonjun, and Vernon, and all the others.”

Jay gapes at him. “Your sister dated all of them? And all the others?”

“What, no, she didn’t date them, she fake-dated them! Just a couple of times, mainly showing up to things with their families so their parents would leave them alone about finding a partner and all that. You know how the parents are.” Jake gestures vaguely, referring to the oddities of the world of wealth they were born into. 

Jay nods slowly, understanding dawning upon him. Does he know how the parents are? Oh, does he ever. He has always had a good relationship with his own, but they had been more pushy on the whole love thing as of late, with the not-at-all subtle questions his mother asks about any special someones in his life and the unfunny jokes his dad cracks about how he’s still spry enough to help raise grandchildren. Especially unfunny, given the health scare his dad had given them all in the last year.

Jake’s voice brings him out of his veering-towards-morbid thoughts. “But seriously, bro, how is this news to you? My sister’s been doing this… Cinderella-genie thing for two years now.” 

Jay’s eyebrows furrow. “Cinderella-genie thing?”

“Yeah, I mean, she transforms our frat brothers into respectable young men with a respectable relationship, but only for three occasions, and she gets the same number of favors back.” Jake wrinkles his nose. “It sounds weird when I say it like that, and don’t get me wrong, I love to give her shit for it, but it’s all above-board stuff. Sunghoon bought her bubble tea for like, three months. Oh, and no one’s allowed to catch feelings, so everything ends clean and neat.”

“She fake-dated Sunghoon?”

At the mention of his name, Sunghoon pops one side of his headphones off. “What’s up?”

“You fake-dated Jake’s sister!?”

Sunghoon shushes him before responding. “Yeah, don’t you remember? It was a couple of months ago.”

Jay’s ears flush, both at how loud he had unconsciously gotten, and at the reminder that he really has been out of it for a while now. It’s not like he’s been living under a rock, but he has definitely been spending a lot more time with his parents and away from his friends ever since his dad’s health scare.

“She was great, though,” Sunghoon continues. “My mom still thinks I made the biggest mistake of my life ‘letting her go.’ But she’s also been leaving me alone about ‘finding love’ because she thinks I’m heartbroken, so yeah, Jake’s sister works wonders.”

Jake smirks. “Sim genes, man. Elite stuff.” 

Sunghoon scoffs. “You wish. Didn’t I hear your mom yelling at you on the phone the other day for not having settled down yet?”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. Does she not realize what decade this is, I mean, we’re still in college—”

Jay interrupts what looks to be the beginning of a long rant from Jake, cutting him off with, “So where can I sign up?”

Jake stares blankly at him. “Sign up for what?” 

“The Cinderella-genie thing.”

Sunghoon scrunches his face awkwardly. “Uh, she kind of has a waitlist, buddy.”

Jay waits for him to laugh and say he’s just kidding, but he doesn’t. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, she doesn’t do the fake-dating thing for multiple people at the same time, and she’s pretty busy with all her shit, so I’m not sure how long of a queue you have ahead of you…”

“Okay, but Jake could get me ahead, right? Cut the line, or something? C’mon dude, I’m your best friend.” Jay is suddenly desperate, remembering the conversation he’d had with his mom on the phone last night, where she had dreamily recalled meeting his dad in college and delicately reminded Jay that he could have a plus-one to the Parks’ upcoming 50th wedding anniversary celebration.

Jake eyes his friend warily. “I dunno, she really doesn’t like stuff like that. Unfair advantages, I mean.”

“My parents aren’t getting any younger, Jake, and you know, with my dad last year and everything…” Jay does his best approximation of batting his eyelashes at Jake. 

“Are you guilt-tripping me?”

“A little?” Jay’s smile turns a little maniacal. “For real, my parents have their 50th wedding anniversary coming up, and it would be the perfect event to bring her to so I can reassure them that things are going well in my love life.”

“Are things going anywhere in your love life?” Sunghoon’s tone is skeptical, and reasonably so. 

Jay has been distant lately because of his family, but even before that, he had always been known as somewhat aloof and unattainable. Devastatingly handsome, yes, with killer grades and fierce ambition, and a business empire to inherit to boot, but he is also his parents’ one and only miracle child, born after years of trying and almost giving up. Jay’s parents are older than all of his friends’ parents, and their family business has always been that— a family business. Jay has two years after graduation to learn the ropes in the business, and then he’ll be due for an MBA, and then a return to helm the business, but this timeline has recently felt more urgent than ever with his parents’ flagging health. They would never say it, but he knows the only reason they haven’t retired yet is because they don’t want to hand over control of the business to anyone but him. Jay has worked his ass off in college, trying to get there as fast as he can, as well as he can. But his parents also want him to enjoy college and find true love, and while he’s been doing pretty well with the former, the latter has been on the backburner for, well, forever. Who has time for true love, in between classes, fraternity duties, the various shenanigans his friends get up to, internships, networking, TA-ing, volunteering, being on the executive board of two clubs, and eating, sleeping, dreaming, and thinking?

So. No. Things are not going anywhere in his love life, and he confirms just as much to Sunghoon with a grunt, to which Sunghoon wheezes out his amusement.

Jake eyes Jay with pity, now. “Alright, that guilt trip was successful, but more so because you just admitted to being bitchless for so long. I’ll put in a good word to my sister for you.”

Jay perks up instantly. There is light and beauty in this world after all! “Awesome, thank you bro, you won’t regret this, I promise!”

“I wasn’t planning on it, but those are famous last words, Park.” Jake raises an eyebrow at him. “Are you sure you can handle my sister?”

“Why not? She seems… nice.” Jay is slightly evasive in his answer, and truthfully, it’s because he isn’t really sure what you’re like. All your interactions to date have been cordial, almost business-like, and you and Jake are fraternal twins, so it’s not even like he’s really familiar with what you look like. He is, however, sure that you look beautiful in a ballgown, even if he only saw you in one in his frat’s kitchen.

Jake chortles outright. “No, my sister is not nice. Yeah, I’m definitely going to convince her to help you, just because I think it’ll be hysterical watching her turn you inside out. Good luck, my brother in Christ, because you’ll need it!”

you: hey jake told me abt ur predicament

jay: … good morning, how are you? i’m pretty good myself

you: ???

jay: just being polite. and it’s not a predicament i’m just… interested in your services

you: good for you? anyways i’m super busy right now and don’t really have time to be taking on anything else so i’m just letting you know that i can’t help you out. good luck though

jay: how about coffee?

you: what?

jay: do you want coffee?

you: like right now?

jay: yeah i’m on your porch

You almost throw your phone to the other side of the room. True, Jay’s fraternity house is across the street from your sorority house, but it still feels absurd to think that he’s right there, less than twenty feet below your room. Is he stalking you?

Accordingly, that’s the first thing you ask him when you throw the door open to him. “Are you stalking me?”

He scoffs. “As if. I asked Jake to ask Yunjin for your location.” 

“That’s not not stalking.”

Jay shrugs, though he has the decency to look a little embarrassed as he shoves his hands in his pockets. “Whatever. I just walked across the street; that’s all. So, coffee?”

You stare at him for a few moments, weighing your options. Truthfully, you were about to leave to get coffee before your first class, anyways, but you’re not sure how long you want to entertain Jay. You decide to split the difference. “I’m on my way to Nat’s, so you can tag along. But I’m just grabbing a coffee to go, and then I have class.”

“Okay, let’s go.” 

“Gimme a second; I’ll grab my stuff.” For some reason, your heart is beating a little faster than usual when you reach your room. You’d like to blame it on the stairs you just climbed, but something about Jay coming to find you at your front door feels old-fashioned and sweet, though your rational mind reminds you that he literally just walked a couple hundred feet. He even said so, himself.

But when you come back down to see him leaning against the doorway with his hands still in his pockets, looking out into the street, you suddenly remember that Jay is, like, really good-looking. Despite yourself, you find yourself admiring the cut of his jaw and how nice his hair is styled. It’s not like you don’t know plenty of attractive guys— hell, the guys you usually fake-date are all objectively hot. It’s just inconvenient that you now recall how Jay has always seemed to be the most mature out of Jake’s friends, even from what little you know of him. Unhelpfully, your brain also conjures up the image of him sliding a takeout container to you last week, and the way your eyes had lingered on the veins of his arm.

God. It’s been too long since you’ve gotten laid.

Jay’s voice breaks you out of your bizarre trance. “Ready, Cinderella?”

“Excuse me?”

“Jake told me about your whole Cinderella-genie thing. It would be weird to call you ‘genie’, so…” Jay trails off, scratching the back of his head and looking actually embarrassed now. 

You can’t help but laugh. “Right, because Cinderella is totally less weird. Alright, big guy, let’s go.”

The walk to Nat’s, your favorite local coffee shop, takes about 15 minutes— 10, if you’re walking fast, which you usually are. Jay’s legs are uselessly long, but he seems determined to walk as slowly as possible, while also staying silent the whole time. Finally, you reach the end of your patience and step out right in front of him, intending to ask him what the hell he’s doing. Unfortunately, you find that you misjudged the distance, and he almost collides right into you.

“Whoa,” he mutters, reaching out to grab your arms to steady the both of you. 

“Sorry,” you huff, embarrassed at yourself. A lot of that going around today. “I just… what’s your deal? I already told you I can’t help you, and then you show up at my door and ask me to get coffee, but you don’t say a single word. What do you want from me?”

Instead of answering your question, he asks, “Why do you do it?” 

“Do what?”

“The Cinderella-genie thing.”

You roll your eyes. “Jake has got to stop calling it that. It’s a long story, honestly.” Sighing, you reach into your backpack to pull out your planner. “Alright, we’re already past the amount of time I scheduled to get my coffee and get ahead on some readings before class, so I guess we can sit down inside.”

Jay raises an eyebrow. “You have time for me now? Also, that’s the most insane planner I’ve ever seen.”

You gesture around you. You had stopped Jay almost at the door of Nat’s, and you’re clogging up the sidewalk. “We should at least get out of the way of these people. And yeah, I’m sure it is.” You are a live-and-die-by-your-planner kind of person. Everything is in there— social events, studying time, your various things with Jay’s frat brothers, even things like eating and showering and sleeping. It seems psychotic, sure, but you’re a busy person, and there’s no way you’d be able to handle everything without the strict schedule you set for yourself.

When you walk up to the counter inside Nat’s, your favorite barista— a cute high school kid named Riki— is manning the register. You smile warmly at him. “Hey, Riki. The usual, please.”

You expect Riki to tease you about your usual, which contains an admittedly concerning amount of caffeine, but instead he calls out, “Jay! What’s up, my man!”

From behind you, Jay reaches out and fist-bumps Riki. “Hey, long time no see, buddy. How’s history going?”

Riki groans theatrically. “Horribly, ever since you stopped tutoring me.”

Jay frowns. “Wait, really? What are you having trouble with? I know I’m kind of swamped right now but we can always find some time and—”

Riki bursts out laughing. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Jeez, you should’ve seen your face. Relax, I got a 94 on my last paper!”

“Oh, very funny, you menace!” Jay punches Riki’s shoulder, but his expression eases up. You wonder at the fondness that twinkles in his eyes. 

Riki laughs some more, then he turns to you. “Noona, one cup of liquid death coming up! Hyung, what about you?”

“London fog, please. And seriously, text me if you’re having trouble, okay?”

Riki waves the both of you off, telling you that he’ll bring your drinks over to you. 

You make a beeline for your favorite spot, right by the large window that overlooks the sidewalk. Jay surprises you for the umpteenth time that morning by easily striding ahead and pulling your chair out for you, then coughing and turning red when you give him a weird look.

“Sorry, I, uh, yeah. Instinct,” he explains, which is really no explanation at all. 

“Are you courting me or something?” You try to keep your tone light and joking, but confusion inevitably slips in. Nothing Jay has done today has made sense. 

He seems to have regained his composure when he sits down, because he hits you with, “I guess you could say that. It’s just something I think I’d do for my girlfriend.”

You stare at him blankly. “Thanks for telling me…?”

“I mean, if you’re going to fake-date me, you can probably expect me to do stuff like that, right?”

You groan. “I’m not going to fake-date you, Jay, how many times do I have to say it? I—”

“— don’t have time, I know. But what if I could make it worth your while?”

“Jay, you know I’m Jake’s sister, right? We have money. Besides, I’m helping Mark right now, and I don’t do this for multiple people at the same time.”

“Oh yeah, Jake told me about that rule. What if I could take care of that for you?”

You raise an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I’ll help Mark find a real girlfriend, and then you can help me, instead.”

“If it were that easy, don’t you think Mark would have done it himself?” 

Jay waves his hand dismissively. “Oh, please, Mark’s been crushing on the girl in his music class for ages. He gets too into his head about asking her out, so he chickens out every time. They’re partners on a project right now, though, so I’ll just give him a push in the right direction.”

You have to admit that you’re intrigued by his proposition. Everything Jay just said lines up with what you know about Mark, especially the chickening out part. You’d like to see Jay try, and you figure it can’t hurt either way, so you nod. “Okay, fine. If you can help Mark, I’ll help you. But seriously, what’s your deal? Why do you want my help so badly?”

Jay blinks, then he leans back into his chair. “Oh. Honestly, I haven’t 100% decided that I do, yet.”

“But you’re willing to agree to help Mark Lee with a girl in order to secure my help?” You shake your head. “You’re really strange, Park.”

“I get overly invested in challenges really easily,” Jay confesses, showing you an unexpectedly bashful smile. “So I got a little caught up just now in the idea that I could change your mind about helping me. But now that you’ve brought it up, I’ll still help Mark, no matter what. I’m sick of him writing lovesick songs about that girl, anyways.”

“Large iced Americano, no water, four shots of espresso. And a London Fog,” Riki announces. He sets the drinks down on your table right as the bell above the shop’s door chimes and lets in the pre-9am work crowd. He groans and bids you both a hasty goodbye.

Jay eyes your coffee with disgust. “Liquid death, huh? That’s disturbing.”

“Hey, don’t knock it ‘til you try it.” You tilt the cup in his direction, laughing when he shudders. 

“Absolutely not. I can’t believe you order that enough that Riki knows it’s your usual.”

“I usually see him in the afternoons when I order this, actually, so I’m sure he’s going to give me an earful about getting one in the mornings, too. Speaking of— doesn’t he have school?” You whip around in your seat to stare at Riki. 

“He has two free periods on Mondays this year, so I guess he picked up an extra shift. He’s a hard working kid,” Jay says. 

You turn back around to see him with that same fondness in his eyes. “How do you know him, by the way?”

“Ah, he’s my little’s friend from high school. My little is Jungwon— cat-looking dude?”

You let out a squeal. “Oh my gosh, he’s the cutest!” 

Jay crosses his arms and grins, looking amused. “Yeah, he is pretty cute. Anyways, Jungwon mentioned his friend was having trouble with his history class last year, so I started tutoring him a bit, just casually, since I’m studying history.”

“Not economics?” You’ve heard about Jay’s family’s notoriously tightly-controlled company. Everything is within the family, so you’re surprised that he isn’t getting ready to take over. 

“Both. I can have two majors, you know. What’s yours?”

“Linguistic anthropology. And studio art. I can have two majors, you know.” 

Jay rolls his eyes. “Okay, okay, I know that was pretentious. What’s linguistic anthropology?”

You clear your throat, not expecting to talk about your hopes and dreams so early in the morning, and with someone who’s only a few steps away from being a stranger. “Languages, and the social and cultural foundations of them. Basically. I want to do linguistic archaeology in grad school, and this is the closest thing you can get in undergrad.”

Jay leans forward and nods enthusiastically. “That sounds really cool. What kind of art are you doing?”

“Oil paints, mostly, and some charcoal drawing…”

Like that, an hour flies by. You don’t even notice the blocks in your calendar getting overwritten by what is essentially a coffee date with Jay until you get the reminder that you have class in thirty minutes. 

“Shit, I gotta go soon.” You say it with some regret; surprisingly, you’re really enjoying yourself with Jay. He’s smart, and funny, and a little awkward in a way that makes you think he’s the most sincere person you’ve ever met. And he has interesting thoughts and opinions on history, some of which you even make a mental note to follow up on later for your thesis. 

“Before you go, will you tell me why you do the fake-dating thing?” Jay puts his head in both his hands and smiles at you, and…

“Are you batting your eyelashes at me?”

Jay squints at you. “Maybe. Is it working?”

“Not really,” you lie, like a liar. 

“Didn’t work on Jake, either. Man, I gotta work on it.” Jay gives up the act and relaxes back into his chair. “Will you tell me, though?”

“Sure, it’s not like it’s a big secret or anything. It’s not even that long of a story, now that I think about it. Not something worth trying to seduce me over, but I like your hustle,” you joke. 

“So it was working!”

“I wouldn’t go that far. Okay, so it started with Chan. He just didn’t want to go to his horrible cousin’s horrible wedding, but his sister had been arguing with the cousin about Chan and was, like, defending his honor or something? And one thing spiraled into another and all of a sudden Chan needed to show up to the wedding with an impressive partner to prove to his cousin that he could pull.” You make a face. “Boys. I’d actually met this particular cousin before, through some convoluted situation at one of those holiday parties that our families throw, and I knew he was insufferable, so I was willing to help out. Other guys in the frat heard about it, and you know, it’s surprising but not shocking that your frat has a lot of guys with some sort of weird baggage that prevents them from actually seriously dating someone. It’s weirder that a significant number of them also find themselves in situations where they need to pretend to have a girlfriend, but as it turns out, I’m really good at it— being a fake girlfriend, I guess. I haven’t had much time to date myself, so it’s kind of nice hearing how much everyone’s families liked me as their potential daughter-in-law. Plus, I always get favors in return, so it’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s like the fun part of dating, without the actual time commitment.”

Jay looks skeptical. “Going to family events and schmoozing with distant relatives is the fun part of dating?”

You scoff. “Whatever. You’re the one who asked why I did it, and I told you. It doesn’t have to make sense to you.”

“Sorry, sorry. I’m not judging, I swear. I just think that there’s probably better parts to dating, but who am I to talk,” he mutters.

“Ah, yes, Jake mentioned that, too. Bitchless all these years?”

Jay deadpans at you. “I know you aren’t making fun of me for that when you basically just told me that you fake-dated all these guys because you have a raging praise kink specifically for people’s families.”

“Oh, fuck off.” But you’re laughing, almost— giggling? Ugh. Maybe you do need to back off on the caffeine. “Alright, I have to go now, for real. Text me when Mark is good, and then we can talk about our two fake dates.”

“Isn’t three the max?”

“I was serious about not having time, Jay. I have a thesis for linguistics, and a portfolio to put together for art. Mark was going to be my last… thing this year. I went to one event with him, so if you can get things squared away with him, you can have his other two.”

“Okay, fine. Pleasure doing business with you.” Jay salutes you with two fingers.

“You haven’t even succeeded with Mark yet, and you haven’t heard what favors I want in return, either. Don’t get ahead of yourself, hotshot.” 

And then you’re gone, leaving Jay to ruminate on the last hour and a half you spent together.

Jake’s right— you’re not nice, not in the traditional sense of the word. You’re kind of prickly, and you seem to run your life like a drill sergeant, but Jay thinks you must be really kind. Aside from Chan, the others you’ve helped (Mark, Yeonjun, Vernon, Sunghoon, good lord) are all variants of pretty boys who can’t talk to women to save their lives but live and die by the words of their parents, who all hope to see them get married sooner rather than later (Jay elects to ignore how he fits into that mold pretty well, too). No wonder you felt bad for them in their plights and wanted to help them; and Jay really believes that you did it to help them, not because of whatever favors you got in return. Like you said, you have money, so it’s not like you couldn’t buy your own bubble tea or pay for a driver. No, he’s seen your calendar, and it’s crammed with volunteering events in between everything else, and he’s seen the way you fuss over Riki, someone you only see a couple times a week while ordering a coffee. He’s pretty sure you’re just a classic do-gooder, and he doesn’t even need your help that badly, but he does love a challenge. Get Mark Lee together with the girl of his dreams is the first one. The second one is to figure out why he cares about proving himself to you so much— it’s not like he’s swimming in free time either, but somehow you’ve gotten under his skin, and he wants to see where this goes.

(Plus, he thinks you’re really pretty.)

When you enter your studio art workshop class, you find Yunjin immediately and pout at her. “Thanks for revealing my location to Jay, traitor,” you whine.

Yunjin grins. “It’s not like the sorority house is a state secret, babe. And I have zero regrets— he’s hot!”

“So?”

“So, I’m sick of you fake-dating these guys because you love to be the most helpful person in the room, and I want to see you actually date someone!”

You snort. “Joke’s on you, then, because he also wants to fake-date me.”

“Eugh, really? What the hell, I thought he was a good one,” Yunjin groans.

“He is a good one,” you respond instantly. You’re not sure why you’re so defensive about him, but from everything you’ve witnessed today, you know that Park Jongseong is the definition of a good guy.

“Well, maybe this will finally be the one that goes from fake-dating to real dating!” Yunjing wiggles her eyebrows at you. “You already think he’s nice, and you didn’t say he isn’t hot, either.”

“I have a pulse, Yunjin, I can tell that he’s hot.”

Yunjin whistles between her teeth. “Wait ‘til I tell Jake to tell Jay that.”

“Do not— and since when are you and my brother so close, anyways?”

She flashes you a conspiratorial wink. “New boytoy.”

“Ew, seriously? Jake?”

“Hey, it’s not that deep. He gets around, too, doesn’t he? Friends with benefits, no strings attached, etcetera.”

“Famous last words, honey.” You start pulling out your art supplies, chewing on your lip as you consider whether to ask her what you’re dying to know. “... So, what do you know about Jay? And do not tell Jake about any of this, Yunjin, I swear.”

“We’re really not close like that, babe, and I’d never betray your trust for dick.” Yunjin puts her hand over her heart solemnly.

“I want you to know that I’m throwing up in my mouth.”

“Noted.” Yunjin sticks the pencil she was using in her hair, then leans back and hums thoughtfully. “Now, Jay… I know what everyone knows about him, I guess. Good guy, nice family, kind of detached, if I had to say so? Not in a bad way, though. I just mean that he seems to hang out with his friends and that’s pretty much it. He’s involved in a bunch of stuff on campus like you are, but I know he had to pull back recently because one of his parents had a health thing— oh no, I can tell you’re already Cinderella-ing.”

You huff. “Jake is so annoying for that. What do you mean, Cinderella-ing?”

“You feel bad for him and now you want to help him!”

“I already agreed to help him, if he helps Mark Lee get a girlfriend, first.”

“Wow, he must really need your help if he’s willing to do that.”

“Funny, he said he isn’t sure if he needs my help, yet.” You shrug. “He’s confusing.”

“Oooh, but you’re interested, aren’t you?” Yunjin peers closer at you. “Oh my god, you whore! You want him!” 

“Yunjin!” You shush her, cognizant of the other students around you. “I’m just curious, okay? I wanna know what I’m getting myself into.”

“Sure, sure. I believe you!” Yunjin insists, looking entirely unbelievable. “That’s not surprising about Jay, though. His family is, like, super family-oriented. Introducing them to a fake girlfriend seems like it wouldn’t go well, so it makes sense that he’s hesitant about it. You should ask him for more details when you guys fuck—”

You cut her off with a hand slapped over her mouth. “I’m going to murder you in your sleep.”

Yunjin laughs underneath your hand and flicks you off. “But seriously, the rumor is that he’s never dated anyone in college because his parents had the perfect college romance and want the same thing for him, and he’s always been too busy being the prodigal son and heir apparent for true love to just, like, fall into his lap. Despite the valiant efforts of many girls on campus,” she finishes dryly.

“That’s… a really detailed rumor.”

“Chaewon’s little is obsessed with him, so I’ve heard it a million times.” 

You both cringe. Chaewon is far too nice to say it, but her little is stuck in a phase of boy mania so all-consuming it borders on clinical.

“Enough about boys; how’s it going with the portfolio?” Yunjin nudges her chin towards your empty canvas.

You sigh. “Pretty good, except for the human portrait part. It’s really not my thing, but Professor Song was so adamant that I try to include at least two of them by the end of the year. I did one of Jake already, but he doesn’t know, so it’ll be hilarious to see him cry at the senior showcase.”

“Oh, he’s totally going to lose it,” Yunjin agrees. You stay silent on the curious display of knowledge she just exhibited on your brother’s behalf. “Who are you thinking for the other one?”

“Beats me. I’d use my parents, but that feels a little bit too on the nose, especially after the one of Jake. It’d be weird to ask our friends, right?”

“Not really, but your portfolio theme is family, isn’t it? Very sweet of you to think of us as family, but then you’re talking about an entire group of people.”

Instantly, you shudder. “That’s way more than two humans. Love you guys, but no thanks. I’ll figure something else out.”

Yujin smirks at you. “If you and Jay date and fall in love and get married, you’ll be family, and then you could do one of him.”

“That is so not the solution!”

You don’t hear from Jay until a week later, at which point you figure he has given up, so you’re shocked to find him at your door again. 

“Morning, Cinderella,” is all he says to you before handing you a cup.

“Good morning,” you return, too dumbfounded to say anything else. “What’s this?”

“Coffee. Large iced Americano, no water, four shots of espresso,” he recites. “I got Riki to text it to me,” he admits quickly.

“I appreciate it, but what’s this for?” You narrow your eyes at him. “You can’t possibly think that one of the favors I’ll ask from you is coffee, right? I’m not that easy, Park.”

Jay looks offended. “Hey, you let Sunghoon buy you bubble tea!”

“Yeah, but he was really pathetic about the whole fake-dating thing.”

“... Fine, I’ll give that to you. That does sound like him. But no, this is because I wanted to ask you something, and I figured I’d take up the time that you usually schedule for getting your coffee.”

“Ooookay. So, what’s up?” You start on the walk to the library, and he’s quick to fall into step beside you.

“I’ve been thinking about how to help Mark with his crush, and I have the perfect idea, but I need your help.”

“You need my help to help Mark so that you can get my help for yourself?” It sounds absurd coming out of your month, and before you can stop yourself, you blurt out, “Wow, try saying that ten times fast.”

A surprised laugh erupts from Jay’s chest. “That was corny as hell,” he says, but he’s still laughing, high pitched and delighted. Laughter transforms his whole face, his eyes slipping into crescents and his nose scrunching with the force of his happiness, and you’re left dazed looking at him like that.

“Don’t tell anyone you witnessed that. I know where you live,” you threaten him half-heartedly. It really doesn’t carry much weight when you’re beaming in response to the mirth in his expression.

He stops laughing to grin at you, still bright and lovely. “Yeah, right. Who’s been coming to whose front door?”

“You don’t think I could walk across the street? I’m there all the time, Jay. So many people in that house owe me; it’d be a piece of cake to get your room number.” You say this with a stupid smile still on your face.

“Right, consider me properly frightened.” The wattage of his grin finally turns down a couple of notches, giving you room to breathe properly. “So, about Mark,” he starts.

“Yeah, this just sounds like more work for me,” you respond skeptically.

“Hear me out, okay? Mark has all these love songs written about this girl, and I found out that she always eats lunch at the same table at the same time in the dining hall on Tuesdays, so I figured he could play one of his songs over the dining hall speakers and then confess to her.” Jay makes little jazz hands at the end of his sentence, and it prompts a giggle out of you.

You have to fight your smile down when you speak. “A couple of things. One: that is so incredibly over the top for a confession, but sure, I like your spirit. Two: there’s no way Mark is slick enough to pull this off. Which leads me to three: what do you need from me?”

Jay nods. “Exactly, Mark could never do this on his own, which is why I’ve enlisted a bunch of guys from the frat, and you, of course.”

“Me, of course?”

“Sunoo and Jake are going to sweet-talk the lady at the dining hall who has the keys to the staff office with the dining hall audio hookup and microphone— she loves Sunoo, and Jake will flash her the ol’ puppy dog eyes to keep her sufficiently distracted. Heeseung will walk past and swipe her keys, and Jungwon is going to make sure that Mark’s crush is actually in the dining hall at the right time. Chan is going to apologize on everyone’s behalf if this goes wrong.”

You tut. “Poor Chan.”

“It’s his presidential duty, god bless.”

“And where do I fit into this?”

“You and I need to hold Mark’s hand, figuratively, and keep him hyped up enough to actually go through with it. He agreed to the plan, but I can totally see him chickening out again, which is why Sunghoon and Yeonjun are also going to stand guard outside the staff office so he can’t escape.”

“I feel like you could hold Mark’s hand on your own,” you argue, but you don’t really mean it. This sounds so chaotic and harebrained that you would normally want to stay a mile away from it, but Jay’s enthusiasm and seriousness about it is rubbing off on you. Plus, it would be nice to see one of your fake boyfriends actually succeed in their love life.

“He has two hands, and I can’t hold them all by myself because I have to operate the audio hookup,” Jay proclaims solemnly. “And I said figuratively! He trusts you, clearly, or at least he trusted you enough to be his fake girlfriend.”

“I come highly recommended,” you intone dryly. 

“And he trusts me enough to go along with the plan, so I think we’re the best suited to be his moral support,” Jay continues, ignoring your smartass comment. 

“This is a ridiculous plan, Jay.”

“So you’re in? Oh, wait. Are you free at 12:30 today?”

You stop to check your planner and confirm that you are. “What would you have done if I wasn’t?”

“Reconfigure the time-space continuum so you could be in two places at once. Mark’s future happiness depends on this,” Jay insists.

"I see what you mean about getting overly invested in challenges really easily… Alright, text me where I should meet you later, then?”

“You got it. Have a good day, Cinderella!” He yells this part as he jogs away from you. 

“Stop calling me that!” But you can’t remember the last time you smiled this much this early in the morning.

Hours later, you smile instinctively upon seeing Jay’s name pop up in your notifications.

jay: coast is clear. meet me outside the dining hall staff office in 5 minutes. operation is a go

you: omw, 007

jay: stop ur making me blush

you: fr?

jay: no this is just banter

you: omfg mark just texted me to say that ur actually blushing

jay: im going to end him. after he gets a gf, ofc

“Hey,” you whisper in Jay’s ear, making him jump. 

“Holy shit, how’d you get here so fast?”

You shrug, jostling his shoulder as you’re pressed up against him in the tiny recessed alcove across from the staff office. “I’m a fast walker. Places to be, people to see, you know? Speaking of…” You motion to the open office door. “Should we go inside?”

Jay clears his throat. Up this close, he can count the eyelashes that flutter against your skin. “Yeah, Mark’s already there. I’m surprised he found the composure to pop his head out and see me, or text you, honestly. He’s been a nervous wreck since this morning. Oh, finally, way to be on time, losers!” Jay beckons Sunghoon and Yeonjun closer from down the hall.

“We’re fine; Jungwon says Mark’s crush hasn’t even sat down at her table, yet. Hey, how are you? Long time no see.” Yeonjun flashes you a smile.

“Committing questionable acts in the name of love, you know, just living the dream,” you joke. “How’s your mom?”

“Great! She still asks about you. By the way, if I had known being a little more pathetic would get me this level of commitment,” Yeonjun gestures around him, “I would’ve asked for a real girlfriend, too.”

“I’m told I was pretty pathetic, and even I didn’t get this kind of treatment,” Sunghoon reminds you.

You pat his arm consolingly. “Maybe if you had Jay on your side, buddy.”

“Yeah, what the hell, best friend?” Sunghoon eyes him accusingly.

Jay pats his other arm. “Sorry, I have ulterior motives with Mark.”

“Oh, so now Mark gets a girlfriend and a secret male lover?”

Jay scoffs. “Not those kinds of ulterior motives, but please. As if Mark could bag me.”

“Ladies, ladies, there’s plenty of Jay to go around,” you say placatingly. 

“Guys, I’m freaking out in here!” Mark wails from inside the office.

“Fuck, Jungwon said she’s sitting down now. Go!” Yeonjun pushes you and Jay towards the office.

In quick order, Jay gets the audio hooked up to Mark’s laptop, and he starts the song. While Mark hyperventilates between the two of you and you actually do share in the holding of his hands, Jay finds himself staring at you as you try to encourage Mark. You really are quite kind— he doesn’t think many people would have agreed to be dragged into this silly scheme, but here you are, throwing yourself into it wholeheartedly because there’s a chance it might secure Mark’s future happiness. 

The sun reaches its highest point in the sky just then, streaming in through the windows behind you and drenching you in golden light. Jay’s not sure if he’s nervous about getting in trouble for this or if he’s just been looking at you for too long, but he can feel his heart stuttering in his chest. It’s positively outrageous how pretty you are.

“Bro, what the fuck do I say?” Mark hisses, interrupting Jay’s very important investigation of the color of your eyes. “The song is almost over, please, you gotta help me!”

“Just tell her how you feel,” Jay offers. It’s not his best attempt at advice, but he’s distracted by the way your hair brushes against your neck. 

Mark splutters and fumbles and curses under his breath, but then the song is over, and Jay is turning on the microphone for him to speak. “Um, hey, so, yeah! Yeah. Uh, I’ve liked you for a long time… which you can probably tell, because of the song and everything.” Mark giggles nervously. “There’s, like, at least five more where that came from. Because I like you a lot, but I’m not great at talking in person, so I wrote all these songs, and oh god, this is super weird, isn’t it? I’m sorry if it’s weird, I just, well, I wanted to tell you. What I feel for you is so big I think I might explode; it makes me lose my mind and my breath and my ability to speak, and it leads me to do stupid stuff like this. And now you know. Okay, cool!” Mark reaches over and slams his hand to turn off the microphone. 

You and Jay share an exasperated look over Mark’s head.

“Mark, you didn’t even say who the song is for,” you remind him. 

He pales. “I didn’t?”

“Or who it’s from, but I think that part is pretty obvious,” Jay sighs. “Just text her right now, and tell her it was from you, and ask her out!”

“What? No, I can’t do that, I think I’m gonna be sick,” Mark moans.

You roll your eyes. “Mark, do it right now, or I’m telling your mom you cheated on me.”

“What? But I didn’t! And we weren’t even dating for real! And I just told her we broke up!”

“Right, I’ll say we broke up because you cheated on me.” You stare him down. “Seriously, I’ll call her tonight.”

“Nonono, I’ll text Mina, okay? See, I’m texting her right now.” Mark pulls out his phone and types frantically. 

Jay throws his arm around Mark’s shoulder, using the leverage to hit the send button on his phone. “See, that wasn’t so hard!”

“I need to go walk into traffic,” Mark declares. 

You smile breezily at him. “Sure, whatever. Love conquers all!” Behind his back, you and Jay high-five.

Jay says you should have dinner to celebrate Mark and Mina’s new romance (ignoring Mark’s pained “What romance? I’m dying.”), but you tell him that you’re volunteering at the community kitchen that night. Jay doesn’t miss a beat. “Sure, I’ll be there. We should talk about my thing, anyways.”

That’s how he finds himself in a hairnet and disposable gloves that night, making funny faces at the head of the community kitchen’s daughter, who’s running around underfoot. He’s been put in charge of chopping vegetables, while you’re stirring a huge pot of stew at one of the stoves.

“Watch your fingers,” you scold him half-heartedly. He’s devastatingly cute like this.

He has the audacity to wink at you. “I know my way around a kitchen, don’t worry.”

“Very cool, trophy husband.”

“What, no more 007?”

“Depends on the outcome of Mark’s text to Mina. Did you hear anything from him?”

Jay scoops up his vegetables into a large bowl and brings it over to you, nudging you aside with his hip so he can add the vegetables to your pot. “Not yet, but I don’t have him freaking out in my messages either, so I’ll take that as a win.”

You let him take over the stirring and turn around to lean against the countertop. “Cute hairnet,” you quip.

“Thanks. You think they’ll let me take it home?” he jokes. 

You nudge your chin in the direction of the little girl giggling at Jay. “I think she wants to take you home.”

He winks at her, then lowers his voice so that only you can hear him say, “She’ll have to get in line.”

You swallow and wonder if the stove is turned on too high. “Right, so what’s your thing about?”

“Later, yeah?” Jay gestures around you, and you suddenly remember that you’re in the middle of a busy kitchen, with everyone hustling to get ready for the dinner service starting in half an hour. 

You spring into action again, embarrassed at how easily you’d been absorbed into conversation with Jay. Something about the way he talks to you makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world— he’s always so attentive, nodding and responding to your every comment. You have to wonder why he hasn’t dated anyone seriously in college; he seems like he’d be the dream boyfriend. Hypothetically.

He only proves this point further when he reveals two containers of mac and cheese that he had picked up before getting there, which he microwaves for the two of you to eat after the dinner service is over. You turn on the lights in one corner of the cafeteria and sit at the only table that’s still left out: a children’s table where you have to balance precariously on seats that are too small for you. But it’s entirely worth it, knocking knees and elbows together, laughing too hard for what the situation warrants.

“I would’ve made you something myself, but I didn’t want to use up the kitchen’s ingredients,” Jay comments off-handedly.

Your heart glows in your chest. “That’s really thoughtful, Jay.”

He smiles and scratches the back of his head, suddenly shy. “Nah, it’s common sense, right? Come on, eat before it gets cold.”

Right then and there, Jay learns that he loves to watch you eat. You make exaggerated faces and ooh and ahh over something as simple as mac and cheese from the 24-hour diner down the street, and he finds himself itching to make something with his own two hands that will make you react like that. 

When you’re done eating, you sit back and sigh in satisfaction. “That was exactly what I needed. Now, tell me about your thing— what kind of mess have I gotten myself into?”

Jay hems and haws for a good minute before finally telling you about his parents’ upcoming 50th wedding anniversary. “It’s a little complicated because they had this, like, fairytale relationship, and of course I’m happy that they’re still so in love all these years later, but it’s kind of… a lot to live up to. Not that I’m complaining, because they’re awesome, but I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone yet, so I haven’t brought anyone home to them.”

“So the rumors are true,” you mutter under your breath.

Unfortunately, Jay seems to have heard you. “What rumors?”

Flushing, you explain what you’d heard from Yunjin, who had heard it from Chaewon’s little. You’re quick to add, “I wasn’t asking around about you or anything!” 

Jay just smirks at you, something wicked and slow that only contributes to the heat in your cheeks. “I didn’t say anything.”

You hesitate before speaking up again. “So, if you don’t mind me asking… How come you haven’t dated anyone long-term in college? You’re, you know, perfectly okay to look at.”

Jay deadpans at you. “Wow, thanks, that really means a lot to me.”

You let out a huff of a laugh. “Shut up, it’s not a secret that you’re hot.”

Jay’s eyebrows shoot up, and you swear to god, he blushes to high heaven. “Th-Thanks.”

“Mm.”

It’s silent for a few long moments, then Jay clears his throat. “If I’m being honest, I haven’t dated anyone long-term in college because my parent’s relationship is a lot to live up to, and it’s not like I have a ton of time to find my perfect life partner in between everything else.”

“Ugh, tell me about it. Yunjin tells me I should try actually dating again, but it’s kind of a lot, right? Putting in the time and effort to get to know someone from scratch, when you’re not even sure how it’s going to pan out? And you’ve seen my calendar.” You laugh quietly. “And, honestly, I have this problem with dating where I get bored pretty easily.”

Jay leans forward, pushing into your personal space close enough to count your eyelashes, again. “Are you bored right now?” 

“No,” you answer, although you’re not sure why he’s asking. “Um, so, why do you need a fake girlfriend, then? I don’t think it’ll pass muster with your parents, if they want you to be in love for real.”

Jay fidgets with his fingers on top of the table. “Yeah, it’s kind of stupid, to be honest. My dad was hospitalized for a month last year, and it really shook us all. My parents are on the older side, and I’m their only child, and, well, I’d like to make them happy while they’re still around. Sorry, that was morbid. And I know it’s not like we’d be doing this forever, and it’s wrong to fake it, but still. They’d be overjoyed to see me in a relationship. I want to give that to them, even if it’s only twice.” He tells it to you like it’s a secret, and your chest caves in with the force of his sincerity.

“I don’t think that’s stupid. It’s sweet, Jay, really.” You reach out and still his fingers. “Listen, you know I’m really good at being a fake girlfriend, right?”

“You come highly recommended,” he mimics you from earlier, mouth quirking up in the beginnings of a smile. It lifts the atmosphere slightly, and you’re glad for it.

“Right, so don’t worry. Leave it to me. Your parents won’t suspect a thing,” you promise. “When’s the anniversary celebration?”

“Six weeks.”

You pull out your planner to start scheduling. “Great, so you can send me information about yourself, and I’ll do the same for you, and then we can find time to meet up and quiz each other about it and get our answers on our relationship straight—”

Jay’s hand lands around your wrist, stopping you from writing further. “Not that I don’t appreciate your… efficiency, but I don’t think that’s going to work. Like you said, my parents want to see a true relationship, and I don’t think flashcards are going to cut it. How about we just… get to know each other?”

You blink. “What, like daily one-on-ones, or something? Office hours, but just for each other?”

He bursts out laughing. “Oh my god, you’re serious, aren’t you?” He lets go of your wrist to hide his face behind his hands as he continues to laugh, which makes you smile despite yourself. He’s so goddamn cute.

You decide to humor him. “What do you suggest, then?”

“As much as I would love to monopolize your time, I don’t actually want to take up any of the precious few free spots on your calendar. You need to set aside more time for yourself, by the way. But for now, how about you give me the thirty minutes you schedule for getting to Nat’s and then back to campus every day? We can get to know each other then.”

“You want to walk me to the coffee shop and back?”

“Among other things.”

“… Such as?”

“Just you wait, Cinderella. I’m going to sweep you off your feet so hard, you won’t know what hit you. I’ll be the best fake boyfriend you’ve ever had.”

In the dim light of the after-hours cafeteria, with his long legs stretched out on either side of yours and the soft crescents of his smiling eyes twinkling at you, you’re inclined to believe him.

Jay keeps his word. He shows up on the sorority house’s porch every morning, backpack slung over his shoulder and hands in his pockets at 7:45am. He doesn’t even have class until 11am (you know because you asked Yunjin to ask Jake), so his dedication impresses you. Sometimes, you’ll watch him approach the house from your window, bopping his head along to whatever he’s listening to in his earbuds. 

When you open the door to greet him, he always smiles sleepily at you and reaches out to grab whatever’s in your hands (usually art supplies or heavy reference books for your thesis). It’s a small gesture, but it shoots through your cotton-candy-soft heart as true and straight as an arrow.

Most mornings, the two of you will chat about anything and everything, swinging from homework to Greek life drama to pet peeves to Mesopotamian history. Occasionally, you’re both tired from your busy schedules and just end up sharing his earbuds, listening to something slow and soothing. More and more often, you find yourself stuffing supplies and books into your backpack until it’s grossly misshapen, just so Jay can have his hands free to brush against yours on the walk to Nat’s.

It’s not just the coffee shop, either. Suddenly, he’s everywhere in your life, as if someone had penciled in his name as one long continuous block in your calendar. He comes to the library with you, and you work on your assignments in companionable silence. He’s now a regular volunteer at the community kitchen, and he’s helping them design a new menu for the colder days coming soon. He even shows up outside the studio art workshop, bringing you takeout when you’ve forgotten to eat. At parties, the two of you dominate beer pong, with him bouncing balls off of his bicep into the cups just to make you fake your fawning adoration at him. He doesn’t have to know that it comes easily to you, especially when he’s constantly looking at you the way you know you look at beautiful works of art.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were actually courting me,” you comment thoughtlessly one day. You’re perched on the kitchen counter at the frat, watching Jay make ramen for the two of you. It’s almost three in the morning, and neither of you should be awake, but there’s something special about the quiet privacy afforded by the strange hour.

Jay forces himself to keep stirring the pot like usual. If he’s being honest with himself, he doesn’t know any better, either, but he doesn’t want to look too closely into that at the moment. Instead, he opts to flirt. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” he murmurs.

“Yeah, that’s why I said it, smartass.” But you let him off the hook, now preoccupied with reaching over to re-tie his apron.

“Ooh, ramen!” Jungwon’s face lights up as he walks into the kitchen, led by his nose. He looks like he just woke up, rubbing at his eyes with the ends of his sweatshirt sleeves. You have to stop yourself from cooing at him.

“What are you doing up so late?” Jay scolds him gently.

“Oh, hey, Dad. Hey, Mom. I just woke up; I had a weird dream.” Jungwon nods at you both and takes a seat at the kitchen island.

You gape at him. “What?”

Jungwon blinks a couple of times, looking more alert by the second. “Oops. Did I say that out loud? Sorry, Niki’s been rubbing off on me.”

“Niki calls us Mom and Dad?” You’re not sure if that’s sweet or weird.

“As a joke! In a jocular manner. Jovially.” Jungwon throws up a peace sign, as if that helps.

“I’m glad to see the English degree is paying off,” Jay remarks dryly. He looks like he took the Mom-and-Dad thing much more in stride, except for the tips of his ears, which burn red. It’s a dead giveaway that makes you smile fondly, because it’s so him.

“Will you make some more ramen?” Jungwon bats his eyelashes at the two of you.

“See, it works much better when Jungwon does it,” you tease Jay.

“Can’t argue with you there, honestly.” Jay puts another pot of water on the stove to boil. “You should have more than just sodium and carbs, though,” he tells Jungwon.

You nod, hopping off of the counter to rummage through the fridge. “Yeah, you don’t eat enough vegetables. Maybe that’s why you’re having weird dreams. Aha!” You emerge triumphantly with a salad kit.

Jungwon laughs. “And you wonder why Niki calls you Mom and Dad.”

Jay scoffs. “That’s just because he hasn’t met Chan.”

“Fair enough. What are you guys doing here so late, anyways?”

You pause in assembling the salad to point a salad tong at Jay. “This guy just follows me everywhere.”

“We’re in my frat house,” Jay retorts. 

“I could be here for someone else,” you argue. 

Jay’s gaze pins you down, warm and earnest. “You’re not, though.”

You smile at him. “No, I’m not.”

Jungwon coughs. “Get a room.”

You reach over to ruffle his hair. “You’re standing in it.”

The three of you eat your ramen and salad in silence for a bit, all falling victim to varying degrees of sleepiness. Without noticing it, you’re scooched up next to Jay, shoulders and knees and ankles pressed together in one long line of comfortable intimacy.

Jay thinks about Jungwon’s question as he slurps at the noodles. What are you guys doing here so late? The answer almost eludes him. These days, he finds himself drawn to you like a magnet, pulled in by forces far stronger than himself. 

He remembers that the two of you had been doing work in his room after the main library had closed, and you had fallen asleep on his bed at some point, a sketchbook dangling from your fingers. He had spent a ridiculous amount of time admiring your sleeping form, indulging in his favorite pastime of counting your eyelashes and resisting the urge to lay beside you. Eventually, your stomach had woken you up, and he insisted on making you some food, even if it wasn’t as nice as he would have liked to do for you. Now, looking at you chatting and joking with Jungwon, Jay feels his heart expanding into his lungs. You fit into his life so perfectly, and he’d like to think that he fits into yours, too. It’s almost too good to be true— could this be what his parents started with? 

When you’re done eating, Jungwon waves the two of you away, insisting that he should do the dishes since you cooked. You’re not about to argue with that, so you pat him on the shoulder before following Jay back up to his room. 

“He’s a good kid,” you tell Jay as you hop on his bed again, grabbing your sketchbook to pick up where you left off.

“He is.” Jay tuts at you. “And you should go to sleep.”

“I will, I will, just let me finish this sketch, okay? Besides, I don’t see you turning your laptop off, either.” You jut your chin out stubbornly.

Jay glances at the Wikipedia rabbit hole he’d been going down before your stomach had growled loudly an hour ago. He’s done with his work for the day, and he had just been keeping you company for the last two hours. “I have super important, time-sensitive work to finish,” he lies solemnly.

“Jay, I can see that you have the Wikipedia page for sinkholes open.”

He slams his laptop shut. “Actually, I’m done,” he declares, flopping down on the bed beside you. He turns his cheek from where he’s level with your stomach to look up at your hands moving across the page. “What are you working on in there?”

You make a displeased face. “People. I have to do one more human portrait for my portfolio, and it’s driving me nuts. Here, this one is of you.”

Jay lifts his head, astonished to see himself reflected back on the page. In smooth, sure strokes, you’ve captured him in tender detail: strong jaw, sharp eyes, and mouth twisted in concentration, probably from earlier when he’d actually been doing work. Jay’s jaw works as he struggles to figure out what to say. He’s unbelievably touched that you would draw him. “Can I keep this?” he asks finally.

“It’s not even done yet. And it’s not that good,” you warn him.

“It is to me. C’mon, please?”

“Maybe when I finish…” You trail off, swayed by the senseless patterns he’s tracing on top of your knee. “Which I won’t, if you keep distracting me.”

He smirks and stills his hand, looking like he’s about to tease you before he interrupts himself with a yawn. “Alright, goodnight, Cinderella.”

“'Night, 007.”

When he wakes up the next morning, he finds the lingering scent of your shampoo and a complete sketch of himself, now decked out in a tux worthy of James Bond. It makes him laugh out loud, and he knows he’s in trouble when he slides out a picture of him with his cousins from a picture frame to put your sketch in the frame, instead.

Before you know it, the day of the Parks’ wedding anniversary celebration has arrived. You’re on a four-way FaceTime call, with Chaewon lounging on your bed as you try on various dresses.

Kazuha is more invested in asking you about your relationship than helping you decide what to wear. “I’m just saying, I think it’s interesting that you and Jay have been, like, glued together for well over a month.”

“We’re getting to know each other better, so we don’t mess up in front of his parents,” you explain for the millionth time.

Kazuha wiggles her eyebrows at you. “Suuuure. Why didn’t you just send him one of those scarily detailed questionnaires like you did with all the other guys you fake-dated?”

Chaewon motions for you to spin in the billowy dress you’re currently in. “Too beachy,” she decides. “But ditto to what Kazuha said.”

“It’s because she like-likes him,” Sakura sing-songs.

You stick your tongue out at her. “Grow up, will you?” 

“Forget about that— have you guys hooked up yet?” Yunjin demands.

“Yet? No, Yunjin, what the fuck,” you complain.

“Gross,” a familiar voice groans from Yunjin’s corner of the FaceTime. You, Kazuha, Sakura, and Chaewon all zero in on her square.

“Jake?” You exclaim.

Yunjin giggles and moves the camera to show Jake sitting at his desk in his room, wearing his nerdy glasses and hunched over a textbook.

“Did you guys just hook up?” Kazuha blurts out. 

“Gross,” you repeat.

Yunjin rolls her eyes. “Grow up, will you? And no, I’m just here because it was too loud at the house.”

The rest of you fall silent on the call, especially you and Chaewon, demonstrating how decidedly not loud it is in the sorority house.

Yunjin blushes and clears her throat. “Whatever. Hey, you should totally wear that sparkly navy velvet number! The one that cinches at your waist.”

You rummage around in your closet and pull out the dress in question to try it on. “This one?”

Sakura whistles. “Oh, for sure. Good eye, Jen.”

Yunjin blows her a kiss. “Of course, of course.” She points at you. “That’s the one, babe. You have, like, the sluttiest waist ever, second only to Sunghoon; you have to wear that.”

Sounds of agreement abound, except from Jake, who whines, “You guys don’t think I have a slutty waist?”

“You’re a whore in other ways, don’t worry,” you reassure him dryly. You do another spin for Chaewon. “This isn’t too much, though?”

Jake suddenly pops into view of the camera. “It’s a formal event, and Jay is going to lose his mind no matter what you wear, trust me.”

“That’s not the point,” you insist.

The girls respond in unison, “Yes, it is!” 

And you have to admit, the way Jay’s mouth stays open as he gives you the once-over a few hours later is gratifying, to say the least. For good measure, he does it again, letting his eyes linger at the dip between your collarbones and the curve of your mouth.

Molten heat spreads through you in response to his wandering eyes, ratcheting up in intensity when he smirks at you, purposeful and knowing.

You elect to check him out, too, knowing that you’re not the only person who can get flustered here. He cuts an unbelievable figure against the setting sun, leaning against his sleek black car, hands in his pockets and legs crossed at the ankles. The tuxedo he wears fits criminally well, emphasizing his broad shoulders and long legs, and you can’t stop yourself from wondering what he’d look like taking his tie off. On second thought, this may have backfired; you only find yourself feeling warmer the longer you stare at him.

Thankfully, he starts moving, coming up to the porch to hand you a bouquet of baby’s breath.

“Oh, good idea— should I hand these to your mom or your dad?” You ask, taking the flowers from him.

He laughs, surprised. You are too cute for his own good. “The flowers are for you, Cinderella. My parents and I are allergic to pollen, actually.”

“Oh.” You hold the flowers closer to your chest, giddiness touching you from head to toe. He got you flowers, even though he’s allergic. “Thank you, Jay.”

He hums and reaches out to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear. “Happy to do it. I saw the flowers in your room dying the other day. Go put them inside; I’ll wait out here. I can feel Chaewon’s stare drilling into the top of my head, anyways.” He looks up and waves at Chaewon, who’s hanging out of your window shamelessly.

She shouts, “Have her home by midnight, or she’ll turn into a pumpkin!”

“I don’t think that’s how it goes, but okay!” He throws her a thumbs-up.

Inside the house, you’re seized with the urge to splash some water on your face, just to calm yourself down, but that would ruin your makeup. Instead, you place the flowers in a vase of water and trust that Chaewon will bring them up to your room for you, after she’s done heckling Jay.

“Leave my guy alone,” you yell in her direction, pulling at his arm to get him down the stairs and to his car. 

“Your guy, huh?” Jay looks at you with uncontrollable fondness.

“Just for the night,” you say, but you don’t miss the way his smile widens at the way you don’t deny it.

Ever the gentleman, Jay opens the passenger door for you, helping you gather the ends of your dress and tucking them in under your legs. He remains crouched for a moment, looking like he’s debating with himself about something, and then he goes for it, leaning over and buckling you in.

When you raise an eyebrow at him, all he says is, “Precious cargo,” and then he’s shutting the door, leaving you flushing once more.

The car ride to his parent’s place is easy and comfortable, even with the charged atmosphere that lingers between the two of you. Conversation always flows like water with Jay; you’re debating the finer points of how to determine provenance for historical artifacts when you arrive. Guests are littered across the front lawn, conversing with each other but centered around his parents.

Suddenly, you’re nervous. “Do you think they’ll like me?” You ask Jay.

He looks at you like you’ve grown another head. “Are you serious? Of course they will. You’re you.”

You swat at his shoulder even as you smile widely. “Your unconditional faith in me notwithstanding, I’m serious, Jay. I want to be able to live up to this fairytale romance thing.”

He takes your hand in his, pressing a kiss to your knuckles. “Believe me, you’re a dream come true. Let’s go, Cinderella.”

You gulp and curse your thundering heart, but then you’re five feet away from his parents, and you’re exclaiming at how in love they look, all these years later. Jay’s dad is distinguished in salt-and-pepper hair, and his mom is all smiles when she tells you that you’re too pretty for Jay.

“Mom,” he whines.

“Oh alright, come here, my beautiful boy.” She brings him in for a hug and beams when he kisses her cheek. Your heart melts like ice cream in the summer; he’s a mama’s boy, through and through.

Jay’s dad asks, “So, how did you meet?” 

You open your mouth, prepared with your story. “I’m Jay’s friend’s twin sister, and then we kind of got caught in a scheme to help one of our other friends ask out the girl he liked, and we just got closer after that. Jay’s easy to like.” So far, it’s all true.

Jay doesn’t look like he’s faking anything when he continues, though. “She’s easy to love.”

“Way to one-up me,” you joke, but you feel like you’re floating, cradled by the buoyancy of the affection in his eyes.

“Seriously, she’s so smart it makes my head spin, and her heart shines brighter than the sun. She makes me laugh and work harder to keep up, and I’m lucky to just stand by her side. Being with her is the most natural thing in the world, like breathing, or my heart beating.” Jay doesn’t take his eyes off of you the whole time he’s speaking; he wants to commit every change in your expression to memory, from surprise to fondness to something deeper.

Jay’s dad hums approvingly. “Good work, son. You sound like I did when I met your mom.” He brings his wife in to kiss her temple.

“Enjoy the party, lovebirds,” she coos at you, and then they’re gone, off to greet other arrivals.

You’re frozen in place, with one hand still clutching at Jay’s like a lifeline. “We didn’t practice that,” you mumble.

He shakes his head and rubs his thumb over your cheek with his other hand. “No, we didn’t. Are you mad?”

“Mad? I think I’m jealous of your future girlfriend,” you say, forcing a laugh. It sounds wooden even to your ears.

He frowns. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Act as if you don’t know how much I like you.” 

The world stops turning on its axis. “What?”

His gaze slips down to your mouth, tracing your cupid’s bow. “You heard me.” He turns hopeful eyes on you. “Do you… feel the same?”

Just like that, the world resumes its motion, and you can’t let him go a second longer without knowing how much he is loved. “Desperately.” 

He breathes a sigh of relief, and you think he’s going to kiss you— you need him to kiss you— but he hugs you close instead, lips hovering against your ear. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that,” he murmurs.

“If it’s anything close to how happy I am, I probably have a good idea,” you laugh. You’re surprised at how quickly the burning urge to have his mouth on yours has tempered into something more grounded and permanent. 

“I have to go do something for my parents, but I think I’ll die if I have to leave you. Will you come watch?” 

You’d go anywhere with him. “Of course.”

He squeezes your hand. “Thanks, doll.” Against your will, your hand spasms in his. He giggles, delighted. “Duly noted.”

“Shut up,” you complain, but you follow him all the way to the tented dance floor set up on the grounds behind the house, only letting go after he kisses each of your fingertips in turn.

You’re surprised to see him pull out an eight-string guitar, and even more surprised when he explains to the gathered crowd that he’ll be playing the song from his parents’ first dance. They look perfect, swaying in the center of the floor, but you only have eyes for Jay.

You watch as his fingers pluck deftly at the strings, a romantic Spanish melody that barely reaches your ears over the rush of all your adoration for him. As soon as the song is over, he catches you in his arms, lifting you up and spinning you around twice before setting you back down, hands at home around your waist.

He asks if you want to dance. You teeter back on your heels, looking at the graceful curve of his mouth and thinking back to the nimbleness of his fingers. “Honestly? I want to kiss you. Really badly.”

He exhales and holds you tighter. “You won’t let me take you out first?”

“If you count the last few weeks, you’ve taken me out, like, a million times.”

“But a real date, doll. I want to cook for you, and we can get tea lights, and a picnic blanket, and— god.” Jay sucks in a sharp breath when you move his hands higher to cup underneath your chest. “You’re going to be the death of me,” he sighs, pressing his forehead to yours.

“I hope so. Stop being so nice, and take me to your room, please?”

Jay’s eyes flick heavenward. There’s only so much self-restraint left in him. “You win.”

And when he finally kisses you, pressed up against the door of his childhood bedroom, you nearly cry from how tender it is. He kisses you slowly, reverently, like you’re one of the saints from his history books.

“Sometimes, I think I’ve dreamt you up,” you confess to him. The words hang precious and delicate in the space between your lips.

“Let me show you I’m real then, yeah?” He presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth, then licks right into you, eliciting a gasp from the back of your throat. Your fingers find purchase in the soft hair at the back of his head, and you realize that you’ve been breathing the wrong air your whole life; the groan that passes from his mouth to yours is the only thing you want in your lungs from now on. 

Liquid desire pools in your stomach, rising until you think you might choke on it. “Jay, please.”

“Please, what? Use your words, doll.”

“Touch me.”

That’s all he needs to hear. Quicker than you realize it, but just as urgently as you need it, you find yourself laid out on his bed, and then he’s demonstrating that he knows more than just how to play guitar with those thick fingers.

When you make it out of his room an hour later, you’re still glowing with happiness. Jay knows he looks equally lovestruck, not least because his collar is hiding several lipstick stains from you. 

You offer to help him redo his tie, so he anchors you unnecessarily close to him, hands sweeping up and down your side. “I don’t think I told you yet, but you look really nice tonight,” he murmurs. “You look really nice all the time, actually.”

You bury your face in his chest. “I’m going to explode if you keep sweet-talking me like that.”

He presses his smile to the top of your head. “Nooooo, you’re too pretty to explode.”

“Jay!” But you’re both laughing, bathed in the soft magic of newfound devotion. You couldn’t dream up anything better.

(Dating Jay is a lot like fake-dating Jay, as it turns out. In some ways.

In other ways, Jay still manages to take your breath away with new and inventive methods. He really does make you dinner, with tea lights and a picnic blanket, ensconced in the twilight of a park you drive an hour away to get to. He even makes foie gras torchon for the occasion, from scratch, and he watches you intently as you moan in delight at the taste. You joke about your breath being fishy when you kiss later, but he just shrugs, unbothered and already moving so that his head disappears underneath your dress, making you moan in a different way.

So, yes— there’s a lot more kissing, and sex, and intimacy that makes you want to curl up in a ball and hiss at how vulnerable it makes you. But Jay is always welcome in the prickly patches of your soul, and he wants those parts of you as much as he wants the parts of you that paint him in aching affection.

When he finally tells you he loves you that winter— in so many words, because it shows in his every action otherwise—, it’s three in the morning again, and your hands are fluttering across his brow, smoothing out the creases from a night of worrying about whether he’s really good enough to take over the family business. Your fingers, lovely and dear to him, stitch together the cracks in his self-resolve, and he can’t help but let the words out. His heart absolutely sings when you repeat the words back to him.

Some time later, you ask him to sit for a portrait for you. He doesn’t think too much of it, especially as the seasons bleed into one another and spring brings an influx of senior events, pollen, and the impending question of the future. He’s at your senior thesis, asking you detailed questions during the audience Q&A and wrapping you up in the biggest hug when it’s over, and you sit in on the final class he TAs, applauding when he’s done.

At the showcase of your final portfolio, his jaw drops when you reveal the second portrait (after having laughed his ass off at Jake blubbering over the first one and Yunjin kissing him in public to shut him up). 

The second portrait is of him, and his parents. From his dad’s strong brows, to his mom’s smile lines, to his own hands; every detail is captured, shimmering in loving light. 

He finds that his eyes are wet when you come up to him and brush your thumb against his  eyelashes, smiling brightly at him. “Do you like it?”

“I love it. I love you, so much, like crazy, you don’t even know,” he rambles, laughing through his tears now.

You kiss him quickly but firmly, just a reminder that your mouth was made to fit against his. “Love you more, London boy. Speaking of…” You lean back to stare at him through your eyelashes. “I got the Rhodes,” you whisper.

His eyes widen like saucers. “You’re coming with me?”

“More like you’re coming with me,” you say, knowing that Jay had requested to be placed at his family business’s England location to be close to you in the event that you got the scholarship.

“Obviously,” he relents without missing a beat. “I’m going to follow you everywhere. Can’t get rid of me now.” He dips his head to kiss you longer. Lightning still shoots through his fingertips, just like the first time, and every time after that.

At graduation, you tell him, “You know, I think I’ve decided what I want your favor to be.”

He smiles at you, familiar and true. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“Just love me, for a long, long time.”

“Easy, Cinderella.”)

[hellyeahscarleteen]

To think about and evaluate sexual entertainment media clearly, it helps to keep these basics in mind:

All sexual media or entertainment created as such:

is an intentional performance,

is fantasy of some kind, and

usually can’t tell or show you much about sex in real life.

Most sexual media or entertainment:

isn’t intended to be education;

is made by the people involved as if anyone, or even everyone, could be watching; there’s nothing private—behavior or otherwise—about it;

has more to do with someone making money than anything else: it is usually mostly, and often only, about profit;

isn’t often reflective of most people’s sexual realities or contexts (for most people, their doctor only provides professional healthcare, their teacher makes assignments, not sexual advances, and they don’t go to sleepovers with their friends dressed like lingerie models);

is very heterocentric, including in material or entertainment that includes sexual activity between people of a same or similar gender;

enables or even purposefully sexualizes bias and marginalization like sexism, racism, classism, fatphobia, and ableism; and

gives messages about sex and sexuality that don’t square with physically and emotionally healthy sexual practices, interpersonal dynamics, or relationships.

Some sexual media or entertainment:

contains, presents, or celebrates sexual violence and abuse or presents sexual violence as consensual sex;

is not made or distributed ethically or humanely (it might be made without everyone’s explicit, informed and enthusiastic consent or without humane labor practices and policies) (and some is);

is about someone trying to show you their personal, real-life sexuality;

is made creatively, thoughtfully, or independently and tries to do porn in a way that leaves out a lot of destructive or harmful things —like –isms and bias, sexualized violence, heterocentricity or gender stereotyping, lack of active consenting, and poor labor treatment; and

can make people feel supported in their sexualities or sexual lives and good about themselves and others; others do the opposite; and some have no seeming impact; this depends on what the entertainment is, specifically, who is watching or otherwise taking part in it, and how they feel about it.

From Making Sense of Sexual Media

[vincentpriceofficial]

Sex, Violence and Power in Hilary Mantel’s A Place of Greater Safety

Ever since I finished this book I’ve been thinking about how gendered and sexual violence kind of continually lurk in its subtext and then break into the explicit text in periodic but still-shocking instances of abuse. At first I thought this was mostly unrelated to the central political plot — a matter of historical realism as much as anything — but the more I’ve thought about it the more integral and connected to everything else it seems.

CW: #rape, #abuse, #csa

From the first chapters of the novel, we see that women and girls in this time and place lack the ability to say no to sex with their husbands. As a child, Robespierre hears his maternal grandfather accuse his father of having murdered his mother via repeat pregnancies. Much later, Danton’s wife Gabrielle has a conversation with other women about the impossibility of using birth control in her marriage. Within a year Gabrielle is dead, her death eerily similar to that of Robespierre’s mother.

Manon Roland is molested as a child and carries a fear and revulsion of sexuality with her throughout her life as a result.

And Camille is taken advantage of as a young adult by an older man who controls the future of his career. The fact that Camille’s mentor is sexually predatory seems to be common knowledge throughout the professional community, and instead of intervening to protect Camille they humiliate and ostracize him. When Camille disavows responsibility for the relationship to his father (“None of it was my fault” and “I was just a child”) his father outright scoffs at the idea he might be trying to say he was raped. Much later Danton himself marries a young teenage girl and, again, no one seems willing or quite able to intervene. You get the overwhelming sense that this is a society where sexual abuse and exploitation are treated as mildly unpleasant facts of life about which nothing can or should be done.

Later, Camille narrowly escapes being coerced into sex by Babette, the young daughter of Robespierre’s landlord. Camille’s lingering terror of her after this incident is horribly psychologically realistic, but also…. Babette, teen girl predator of adult men, is the one instance of sexual violence in the book that has never sat entirely right with me.

The real Elisabeth Duplay wrote in her memoirs that Georges Danton tried to kiss her and made inappropriate sexual comments to her when she was a teenager. I see no reason to believe this isn’t true, and in light of it I do think representing Elisabeth as a sexual predator herself is kind of a strange and tasteless choice. It feels like an outlier in Mantel’s otherwise very grounded and realistic portrait of an 18th century rape culture.

The choice to represent a single individual person who lived and died hundreds of years ago as a rapist when she probably wasn’t one itself might leave a slightly bad taste in my mouth, but on the other hand historical fiction as a genre does tend to necessitate casting some dead people in unflattering lights just to create conflict and make the plot run. This alone doesn’t bother me nearly as much as Babette’s later “false rape accusation” against Danton (which is obviously how we’re meant to interpret it in the book, as a lie devised for political expediency) and that accusation being framed as a deciding factor in Robespierre’s decision to condemn Danton to death.

For one thing, this plot beat feels out of step with the development of Robespierre and Danton’s uneasy alliance and rivalry throughout the rest of the novel. From the beginning of the revolution the two of them have a grudging respect for each other but don’t like each other, they don’t share one another’s fundamental values or worldview and those differences increasingly drive a wedge between them as the external pressure on both men mounts. Robespierre becomes more ruthless and paranoid while Danton becomes more violent, exploitative and corrupt. Danton is a sexual abuser by this point in the story. He has married a teenage girl and it’s implied that he’s raping her (by the very implication that she is a child he is having sex with, and by a line in her internal monologue where she hopes he’ll get drunk and fall asleep right away so she won’t have to have sex with him). Meanwhile Robespierre is growing more committed to a belief system wherein “the people” of France are inherently morally pure and if they behave badly it’s because of external bad influences, wherein immorality is a societal cancer that needs to be cut out by chopping off the heads of every Evil Person.

At the end of those two character arcs I would have believed Robespierre was willing to have Danton killed without any false accusation scene, without any out-and-out lies being told to him about Danton. It feels like Mantel didn’t have enough faith in her own story and her own central character arcs and did this weird punch-pulling maneuver at the last minute that weakens the story. Two complex and well-developed characters becoming more entrenched in and committed to their own worst qualities over time until they destroy one another is a strong arc with a strong conclusion. One character being “tricked” into betraying the other by a one-dimensionally villainous minor character is weak and unsatisfying.

Babette and her purely malicious opportunism also makes it feel like… the call is coming from outside the house, so to speak. Like, as Robespierre believes, there are individual Bad People who are the problem and if they could be gotten rid of all societal ills would disappear. But throughout the rest of the story we see that really isn’t the case. Perrin hires Camille out of a desire to take sexual advantage of him, but also treats Camille well enough that years later Camille is willing to risk his own position to save Perrin’s life during the September Massacres. Danton is a loyal friend, a charming and charismatic leader, and someone who likes to compromise and negotiate rather than make enemies. And he’s also an abuser, a sexual predator, and a murderer (especially if you accept Danton’s own judgment that he killed Gabrielle “by unkindness”). When Manon runs into her own rapist years later she observes that he is “a perfectly ordinary young man”.

This is a more compelling and a more true portrait of a culture where exploitation and coercion are baked into the “normal” social structure.

Mirabeau has this internal monologue near the beginning that feels to me like the closest thing APoGS has to a thesis statement:

When you get down to it, he thought, there’s not much difference between politics and sex; it’s all about power. He didn’t suppose he was the first person in the world to make this observation. It’s a question of seduction, and how fast and cheap you can effect it.

So like, we’re all here in politics trying to accrue power. (Even if we hope to use that power for good.) We’re trying to exert as much control as we can over as many people as possible. We’re trying to coerce and manipulate and bribe each other. The methods of the outside world are not alien to the revolution; they are inside it from its genesis and present within it at every step of the way. And much, much later the revolutionary government will collapse into chaos not because of the foreign plots against it that Robespierre imagines but because of internal factional power struggles turning desperate and bloody and murderous.

From Robespierre’s first introduction to the story, we are shown that he has an intertwined horror of sexuality and abuses of power. He understands that his mother’s death was a result of abusive or “excessive” sexual behavior on the part of his father. He understands that as an illegitimately conceived child he would not exist if not for his parents’ immoral sexual excess. He spends the rest of his life trying to distance himself from that legacy and to prove he’s nothing like his father.

Asking himself why he’s so afraid of foreign political conspiracies, Robespierre directly draws the link to his own bodily alienation:

Why, he asked (since he is a reasonable man), does he fear conspiracy where no one else does?

And answered, well, I fear what I have past cause to fear. And these are the conspirators within: the heart that flutters, the head that aches, the gut that won’t digest, and eyes that, increasingly, cannot bear bright sunlight. Behind them is the master conspirator, the occult part of the mind.

Robespierre becomes obsessed with the idea that anyone whose policies he disapproves is a malicious foreign agent, bent on the destruction of the republic. This idea particularly takes root when people whose political views he otherwise shares advocate starting a war. Robespierre cannot accept the possibility that warmongering is an honest miscalculation — that people brought up surrounded by propaganda about glorious military triumphs might sincerely believe war could be a good thing for the republic.

He can’t accept that the violence he abhors is in his allies, that it’s in The People, that it’s in him. He can’t accept that Camille is sullied by sexual deviance, or that Danton could be both a powerful force for political stability and a corrupt, largely amoral bully. Robespierre can’t cope with the murky ambiguity and ambivalence that lurks in the “occult part of the mind”; he can’t bear to think of himself or anyone else he loves as a body capable of sex and violence. So he destroys Camille and destroys Danton and we know that he’ll be killed himself a few months later. I imagine him finally keeling over after slowly and gradually bleeding out from a self-inflicted wound, a self-surgery, a botched organ removal. He tries to excise the impurities from his own life and finds he can’t survive without them. He cannot bring himself to negotiate or make peace with the “conspirator within” and instead destroys himself completely.

[faegoddessog]

Fantasy Come True CH 1/8

Chapter  1: Lumber Jason

Chapter Warnings: Explicitly mature content, 18+ only, sexual discussion, relationship troubles

Series Summary: Breaking into the acting world has been a life long dream. It's been tough, plus your relationship with you partner has some struggles, but who doesn't have struggles. A new guy shows up to your improv classes who seems strangely familiar. He seems rather interested in you and you feel unusually comfortable around him, like he projects calm and reassurance. Once you realize who he really is, and what he really likes... it's game on. 

SERIES WARNING: Explicitly mature content, 18+ only,  here there be lemons.

A/N: This little gem is per request for the lovely and talented @purejasmine . It's been a collaborative project designed to meet her every Austin need as best I can. Here's to you darling! <clink> I hope ya'll enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed the creative process with parameters not wholly my own!!

Here is the Masterlist of this series.

Message me if you'd like to be added to the list!

Chapter 1: Lumber Jason

You were having a hard time with your relationship. You loved him, sure, trusted him 100%, he was nothing if not honest with you, sometimes brutally so. All good things, to have in a relationship. But there was one thing that just didn’t click all the way. Sex. You loved sex, you even had it often with him. But he couldn't make you orgasm to save his life. Ok, maybe ‘couldn’t’ was a bit harsh. He just wasn’t interested in putting in the time and effort to get you off. For a long time you had been content to just do it yourself after sex. 

Recently though, you had heard about overstimulation and had become deeply intrigued. You knew he wouldn’t be willing to try it, but in the spirit of honesty and communication, you talked to him about it. He joked and blew it off. It’s hurtful, but you are an accommodating partner, even if he isn’t, so you dropped it. At least to his face. It’s been tormenting your mind of late. You’ve read online fics about it and you are just starting to daydream about what else may be out there for you. Would you leave the security and safety of your relationship over something like this? Your practical mind says definitely no. You had no real interest in trying to find someone else and you know there is only one circumstance that would make you leave this relationship, and that’s your Hall Pass contingency: Austin Butler. 

You walk into your Saturday afternoon improv class. Wearing your favorite sandals,  jeans and a women’s cut generic Disney shirt in black .   There are 3 people there, one you know, two are new.  You start off, as you do every class, with round robin stretches. Each person introducing themselves and saying one thing they did that week. 

“Hi I’m Rob,” says one of the new guys, pulling his leg up in a balanced runner's stretch. He went on a couple auditions this week. He is average height  blonde hair with jeans and a t-shirt, he’s average build, average voice, pretty average. 

The next person is a regular, Peter,  he does side stretches (as per usual) and says “I learned to cook salmon on the grill at my girlfriends’ parents house.” 

“Howdy, I’m Jason,” he has a nondescript midwestern accent, reaching down for his toes “I had a meetin’ this week about a new project that I got hired on for.” 

You assume it’s some kind of construction project or something, he is in scuffed up work boots, jeans and a flannel buttoned up, and rolled at the cuff. Jason rocks the lumberjack vibe, beard and everything. Although he looks a little too lean to go full-on lumberjack. There is something… familiar about him.

You introduce yourself and windmilling your arms, you are tempted to say ‘I learned what a pleasure dom is’ but that wouldn't be professional. “I um…went to a movie , actually in a theater. It’s been so long! I really missed it”. 

You notice that Jason seems to really pay attention to whomever is talking. It seems his eyes linger on you, casually looking you up and down, a fraction of a second longer than the others.  

You move into some warm up exercises.  Zip, Zap, Zop is about energy and eye contact. The name game is where everyone has physical gestures that go with their name. Jason swings an imaginary axe, Peter hops on one foot, you do sassy cross snaps, Rob tosses his hands in the air. 

You notice the intensity Jason is putting into the games, how when he passes to you, a little shiver makes you clench. You are almost taken aback, you just don’t react to people like this, and beards aren’t usually your thing. Weird.  Again you feel like you’ve seen him before, but can’t quite put your finger on it. 

At the break, Jason comes up to you while you are drinking water. 

“Hey, ya’ll did great on that last one,” he says, a bit nervously. 

“Thanks,” you tuck a stray hair behind your ear a little shyly,” you did great too, have you been acting long?” 

“Yeah, since I was kid… uh back home,” he seems to falter a bit in his response. “Do you come to this class often?” he asks, putting the focus back on you.

“Yeah, almost every week, I really like how it stretches me,” you smile. The teacher claps their hands for the break to be over. 

“Huh, I might start coming more often then,” he winks at you as he turns around to walk back to his seat. 

You can’t help but watch him walk away. Wow, he is pretty from this angle. 

Wait a second, did lumber-Jason  just flirt with you? Holy Crap. Did you lead him on somehow?   He jets out at the end of class, on his phone, before you can talk to him again.  Maybe it was in your mind, weird. You try to shrug it off, but deep inside you just can’t. Something wasn’t quite right. 

He was already there when you walked in next week. He waved you over the second he saw you. 

“Howdy! Did you have a good week?” he asks warmly, shuffling his feet a little. 

“Yeah, you?” It's uncanny how you feel comfortable around him.

“Yeah, I have a lot going on and I just needed…. I’m really looking forward to class today.” He smiles. 

All class he situates himself next to you, partners with you. It’s fun and easy and if you didn’t know any better, you’d swear there were sparks between you.  You really liked going to improv class, but it’s never filled you up like this before. 

The next week, you came to class early,  telling yourself  you are not looking for Jason to show up and no you did NOT wear your cute black wonder woman t-shirt on purpose. You just like how it hugs your curves perfectly and shows off your girls. You are starting to feel disappointed and your practical side is shaking its head at you when, two minutes before class starts, Jason walks in. 

You thumb your nose at your practical side and sit up straighter. 

He is wearing black jeans, his scuffed work boots and a black t-shirt with an open flannel. He has on a trucker hat with some sort of horse logo on it. He looks around, catches your eye and makes a bee line to the spot next to you, murmuring apologies for being late. 

In each warm up exercise he sends nearly everything to you.  He treats you like a friend, making side comments and laughing with you. It’s weird, but interacting with him feels really natural and that’s not… natural. You end up getting paired with him in one game. He picks Rhett Butler and Scarlet O’hara you say cooking breakfast, he says in a closet. 

“Is touch ok?” he asks, you nod.

You squish your back up to his side dramatically. He begins a pantomime of stirring a bowl over your head. He’s roughly 6’1”, you are, with your sandals on, about 5’8”.

“Scarlett, pass the eggs will you” he says in a passable Rhett Butler voice. 

“But Rhett, darling,” you turn awkwardly, taking tiny steps in a ‘cramped’ space, making it funny with his arms in your face. You grab his shirt front and lean dramatically into him “I’m sorry we… we don’t have any eggs left, the soldiers took them all, the chickens too!” you fake cry into his front. You feel his breath catch as you bury your head in his chest. 

Holy fuck he smells really good, like trees and lavender and amber. His long fingers  wrap around yours, and he tilts your chin up to look at him. As your eyes meet, something jolts your stomach.  He is staring intensely into your eyes and it’s like he’s staring into your very soul.  He is saying something… you can’t concentrate. Why? Because being this close you notice the freckles on his left cheek and forehead and just how blue his eyes really are. 

For a split second, your eyes widen in recognition. You know exactly who this is, and his name isn’t Jason. You almost melt into him, legs going weak. Oh well at least it’s in character.  Thank god you’ve been doing this improv class for long enough that you can hold your shit together enough to finish the scene. They all applaud  as ‘Jason’ ends with “Frankly, I don’t give a damn about the pancakes,” pantomimes opening the closet door,  and walking away with his bowl. 

You go back to your seat. You aren’t even paying attention to the next scene as your mind is racing.  It all falls into place. You covertly watch him next to you. He is watching the scene. You feel almost stupid that you didn’t see it right away, his eyes, his hands, the fullness of his exposed bottom lip. Clearly he doesn’t want to be recognized, the accent, the beard, the darker than usual hair. But once you see it, it’s all so clear. 

You decide to be a good human and leave him his anonymity. Maybe he really misses being a regular actor in classes. I mean, you think about how much you enjoy coming to class, he must as well. Maybe you can ask him for his number before he leaves. You can just chalk it up to industry connections. Maybe then you can somehow let him know that you know, without it being weird. 

On the break, ‘Jason’ saunters up to you getting a drink of water. He is exceptional at masking his natural gait. This is not surprising, you know how good he is. 

“Hey, that was great, ya’ll really have that southern bell thing down. I thought you might faint right in my arms,” he takes a pull on his water bottle. 

“Yeah you too, So very Rhett  of you,” you smile, not daring to tell him that you almost did pass out, ”you did great with his voice.” 

“Thanks, hey, um… what are you doing after this?” he locks eyes with you again. 

“Oh… just going home,” you almost say something about your partner.

“Want to get a bite?”  he says before you can say anything. 

What? Wait… did he just ask you out?

“Yes, I’d like that,”  you try to stay chill. “I’ve been meaning to try this little place nearby.” 

You are sitting in the corner of the overwhelmingly green dining room of Chifa. It kind of reminds you of a rich girls 1995 Jersey boudoir but with Chinese and Peruvian food. They are moderately busy. 

“So tell me about yourself,” he starts in before you can let him know that you know who he is. Yup, still the midwestern accent. 

You smile, knowing that it’s all fake but wanting to tell him about yourself too. You figure it's only fair that he learns about you, since you know ALL about him. Well, everything that is public anyway. As you start to talk, again you get that feeling of perfect naturalness in being around him, like you’ve been friends  for years. 

You talk about how you are trying to break into acting and how you know you have an uncanny ability to spot talent in people. He is laser focused on you, leaning forward and nodding. Just as you are about to talk about your partner. The waiter comes to the table..  

“Oh I haven’t looked at the menu!” ‘Jason’ says,  picking it up.

“May I? If you are good with sharing a few things,” you inquire, holding your hand on his menu. Your fingertips touch his briefly, it’s like lightning.  He waves you on with an interested look on his face. 

“Any allergies I should know about?” you ask. He just shakes his head. 

You open the menu, you’d checked it out before and had a good idea of what they had. 

“First for drinks, I absolutely HAVE to get the Yo Yo Good4U on my tastebuds. I love sparkling anything,” you say as an aside to ‘Jason’, “ also I want to taste the Chichi Morado and the Lai Chai. Do you want anything alcoholic to drink?” 

“Sure, you pick,” he waves his hand again.

Your tail is almost wagging in your seat as he puts his oral satisfaction in your hands. 

“How about a Drunken’ Yuzu?” your eyebrows up in askance. He nods. 

“We will have the Lomo Soltado,  the Brule Char,  and the Siu Anticucho,” your eyes expertly glide over the menu, “Ooo and the Traditional Zongzi, Tiradito and um… the Dan Dan Mien. And,” you take a big breath, “for dessert, let's try the Alfajores,  oh I have to get the Black Sesame Cheesecake Tart  and the Taro Coconut Cake Bar. And of course  we need the ice cream, “you look over your menu, “as a palate cleanser of course.”

“Of course” he says slowly, wondering what on earth is happening. 

“Which flavors Miss,” asks the waiter.

“Hmmm, fior di latte,  almond jelly, and  black tahini, please.” 

“Oh silly me, we need to get our veggies in! Let’s round this out with Wok-Hay Vegetables.”

“With the lap chueng?” he asks. 

“Yes please,” you hand the waiter your credit card immediately, considering your huge order. 

“Very good,” says the waiter, taking the card and walking away. 

“I’m a growing boy, but whoa, you really meant it when you said ‘try’ the restaurant,” ‘Jason’ is looking at you like you are a little crazy ordering all that food. 

You giggle at his look

“What, we aren’t going to eat ALL of it right now, I just have slutty little taste buds,“ you wink playfully, “plus I freakin’ love lots of leftovers,  it’ll keep my partner happy too, for being out later.” 

“Oh, I didn’t realize you had a partner…” he tries not to look crestfallen. 

“Yeah, I was getting to that…  but we are in a weird spot right now. Or at least I am.“ you smile reassuringly. 

“Can I ask what’s going on?” he says with concern in his eyes. Fuck how is it that he barely knows you, but can convery more care for your well being than your partner of years. 

“Well, don’t get me wrong, I care about him and I trust him,  but he just..” you wonder if it’s TMI, but you are too far in now to change the subject. Plus, if not now, when? “he doesn’t act like he cares about me sexually, Austin,” you say without even realizing you said his name until it was too late. His eyes go wide and he nods. You just wait to see how he reacts.

“Well, there’s a lot to unpack in that sentence” he says low and quiet but without missing a beat. His midwestern accent slipping by the wayside. 

“Mm hmm,” you press your lips and your thighs together, not able to think straight when you hear his sultry baritone voice waft across the table. You fear that things will change now. 

“Let’s start here: Tell me why you feel he doesn't care about you, is he not interested in sex with you.” He takes another sip and settles down to listen. In for a penny, in for a pound. 

“Well, no, we have a decent amount of sex. I’m very accommodating, it’s sort of like a love language, I guess. But he’s like… not.”  you say, trying to be tactful. You don’t really like to smack talk your partner, you’d not want him to talk bad about you. But on the other hand, truth is truth. 

“Hmm,” Austin is leaning on his fist, a little frown on his face and lips pursed together. His long legs crossed under the table. You can see his natural mannerisms coming out now. Damn he is amazing. 

“Ok,” he leans back, hands threaded into one another on the table, “second: How long have you known?” 

You look at him with a raised eyebrow and nod your forehead to him. 

He nods back. 

“Today, during the closet cooking scene, I’m sorry my almost fainting wasn’t acting,” you laugh. “although, I thought you looked a little familiar. I thought maybe someone from college or something.”

“Wow, I made almost three whole classes!” he says laughing and leaning back towards you. 

“I haven’t told anyone, I figured you were trying to be incognito to enjoy class,  so I didn’t want to ruin it for you. I’m good at keeping secrets. I think you could keep going.” 

“Well thank you kindly ma’am.’ he says with his accent back and touching the brim of his hat, “I may just do that.”

He doesn’t ask you anything else about your bedroom problems, in fact doesn't address your partner at all. Instead he treats you like a great friend, and you, grateful that he didn’t bolt or put a wall up, treat him the same. Honestly, it’s a dream come true. You talk about the love of acting and why you both are into it. About why LA is home and what about it has shaped you. 

When the plates and plates of food arrive, you two treat it like a wine or whiskey tasting. Each of you tries a little of the same thing. There is a lot of passionate talk about what you are eating, you use words like smoky, earthy, robust, pungent, acidic, umami, and delicate.  You talk about texture and mouthfeel, aromas and memories that are brought to the forefront. Together you don’t eat a quarter of what’s in front of you. You send the rest to be boxed up. 

Then the deserts come out. You bite into the cheesecake and your eyes flitter closed. Appreciative noises float from your throat as you roll the flavors around your tongue, taking your time to really taste.When you open your eyes, Austin is watching you with a tinge of lust in his eyes and his mouth slightly open as you unwittingly sexualize cheesecake. He blinks and blows out an almost whistle.

“Damn, that must be one helluva tart,” he says almost under his breath. 

You cock one eyebrow, lick your lip and look him right in the eye, “Oh, it is.” 

His hand slides from resting on his thigh to pulling the inseam of his jeans, creating some suddenly needed space. He covers his squirming by adjusting in his seat. Well, he thinks he does. You notice every minute detail and heat rises to your face directly from your core. 

He nods his chin towards the plate, his fingers doing a little ‘come on’ curl. 

With a forkful, you reach over the desert laden table. He opens his mouth and looking you in the eye, lets you place it on his tongue like a communion wafer. The sexual tension is thick between you. He closes his eyes with an audible  Mmmm, of pleasure, nodding in agreement. You rock forward in your chair,  wondering if you are going to cum in your panties right there. By the time he opens his eyes and looks at yours, you hope your face is some semblance of ‘normal.” He just smiles at you like he knows exactly what he just did to you. 

By the end of the dinner, You have several boxes to take home, Austin has a couple sample type boxes. And somehow ends up paying for all of it despite your attempt to thwart him earlier, damn sexy gentleman. He puts your phone number in his phone and says he’ll text you. You hope to god that it’s not just a brush off. 

You drive home on fucking cumulonimbus cloud nine. With a story you’ll likely never fully tell your partner, several boxes of delicious food and a promise that ‘Jason’ will show up next week. 

Your partner is so giddy that you brought home food, that he barely hears your story about how you were out with someone in the industry that you met at class and how you were talking shop. He liked that you were making connections. You didn’t DARE tell him it was actually Austin, not yet anyway.  

[jmdbjk]

The maknae line

Much has been seen, said, done, thought and fought over when it comes to Jungkook, Taehyung and Jimin. 

These are just my opinions about Jimin, Jungkook and Taehyung from spending hours and hours watching content. I am missing years of witnessing content as its released, but hopefully I have done my due diligence, gone back and watched and I’ve seen enough to come to logical conclusions. 

And like everyone, I noticed the connections between these three as well as their relationships with the rest of the group. They all share closeness due to their respect for each other, their commitment to the group, and their passion to their craft. 

All I want to do is write some stuff down about each of their personalities and my impressions of how they act with each other and what it might mean. These are my opinions and might be stuff you all have heard before but here they are anyway. Feel free to disagree and form your own opinions. Also, please feel free to point out if any of the images I used were edits because I just searched and grabbed some just for illustrative purposes.

I formed my opinions based on my fandom experiences throughout my life including my journey with BTS which began early 2020 because that is when I actually started paying attention to the individual members. Ok, it was Jimin. Jimin is who I paid attention to at first. (hahahaha) 

Then I started this blog as a way to discern what I was seeing between Jimin and Jungkook, so I will use this as a jumping off point to describe my interpretations of the relationships between Jimin and Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyungie, and Jungkook and Tae.

RelationSHIPS...I knew what shipping was before BTS, but it wasn’t until BTS that I learned there was an actual word for it. Shipping is a construct of fan culture (as we know) and involves pairing two individuals together and creating romantic or sexual fantasies and imagining extended narratives about them based on what is observed. Or actually, based on nothing other than a fan being (sexually) attracted to at least one of them. Fanfiction and fanart are sometimes manifestations of this shipping mechanism that allow fans to have something “real” that bonds them to the objects of their obsession. Fanfiction and fanart can also be simply expressions of fandom and have nothing to do with shipping.

Most rational people still understand that shipping is fictional, but some are not able to distinguish the difference and believe their fantasy is reality. Please hear me out.

All the members are aware of shipping culture. It’s been part of Kpop since the get go. There’s no way to NOT know about it. And because Army is so huge, there’s a lot of shippers. I think the members most likely don’t pay much attention to it.

Anyway, because I am going to talk about pairing them off, I wanted to speak about my opinion of what shipping is. Now to say my thoughts about each member of the maknae line:

Talking about Jimin first because I’ve been paying attention to him the longest: He is a deep thinker. He is meticulous when it comes to details. 

Jimin is very empathetic, has very strong compassion towards others. We call him emotionally intelligent because he can sense when someone needs support and doesn’t hesitate to offer it. He can be openly emotional. He feels emotions at a very deep level. At the same time, he can be very closed off and we have no idea what he’s going through. This would be the super-private Jimin. 

And we know he cares very very deeply about those he loves. I also think he has a hidden need to feel that appreciation and care and trust reciprocated because of deep-seated insecurities about himself that he’s had to work through over the years. 

When it comes to his work, he can be extremely laser-focused on goals. He has a work ethic and ambitious drive that is off the charts. He is a natural self-starter and a natural leader. 

Other words that describe Jimin: Professionalism. Perfectionist. Constant self-reflection. Humility. He has stated a few times that when he realized Army was still standing by them throughout the pandemic, he thought he could have or should have done more in return. 

Jimin lives to be an idol, we’ve heard him say that and we know from years of content that he puts his heart and soul into his singing, dancing and performing. He used to be so hard on himself if he wasn’t perfect. This is his perfectionism and insecurity. 

He has said when he dances he is in his own world. To me, that means he feels a high level of confidence and freedom when he dances and this allows him to be the bold and assertive Jimin that we saw for so many years.* (refer to notes at the end of this post)

In his WeLive last week, he assured us he was living a very emotionally calm and routine life these days. His days are filled with the work it takes to make music. He looks forward to a return to the stage soon to see us because he’s an idol and that’s what he does. He is actively taking care of himself to be the best idol he can be. Jimin has found a version of himself that makes him happy right now. 

We know Jimin is not really a loner. He reminded us during Festa dinner in June. He is not a soloist, he is part of a group. It is part of his MBTI make up. Personality tests like that will ask the same question over and over, just in different ways. His answers would have leaned toward feeling more comfortable with people, most likely his circle of friends, and not being comfortable when alone. He needs someone to play off of socially otherwise he shuts down. 

And apparently his “recharging” mode is sleeping.**

As I said, Jimin LIVES to be an idol. He thrives when he’s with the other members. 

Because Jimin is not a loner Jimin needs people in his daily life. People that he trusts, that know all of him. It would make sense that it would be people who can really relate to his lifestyle and life’s work.

At Hobi’s party, after getting over his initial apprehension in an unfamiliar environment, Jimin mingled and spent time with many guests. Instagrams are full of pics of him and others at the party. 

Let’s talk about Kim Taehyung now. 

Social butterfly Kim Taehyung is definitely an intensely playful personality. He has a great imagination and is very skilled at spinning up a character on the spot and thus acting comes easily for him. 

And this leads to one of the main things we love to see in he and Jimin’s relationship: their ability to spontaneously jump into roleplay with each other without saying a word.

Tae has hinted that he’s felt “trapped” (maybe not the right word) in his BTS persona. We’ve heard him talk about wanting to show us other sides of himself as well. He has said that he tried to keep V of BTS and Kim Taehyung separate. This might be something they’re conditioned to do as trainees? I’m not sure, but in Kpop, it’s been said that group members are given a role to fulfill. I don’t know if BTS adhered to this much. If they did at first, they eventually shed this as not being authentic. 

But being one to “act out,” Tae can look at people like they are the love of his life, he has this gaze where it looks like he’s about to take them back to the hotel and jump in bed with them and it is not limited to anyone in particular. The times I mostly remember seeing this are during performances. When he does this it is Tae in full “V of BTS” mode. 

As much as he’s said about wanting to go beyond V of BTS or to find Kim Taehyung, I don’t think he realizes his idol persona TODAY is really not going to be too far off center from his real self because typically as we mature, we just tend to naturally and unconsciously shed behaviors we no longer need to fit in with our peers and social circles. All the members have experienced this. 

Writing this, I realize I probably have not seen enough of the real Kim Taehyung to really say as much about the private Tae as I can about Jimin and Jungkook.

I think private Tae can be very sensitive emotionally. His family is important to him. He doesn’t like rules much (actually I think all three of these guys pick and choose which rules they want to adhere to hahaha).

Tae explores what’s out there in the world, he is more cosmopolitan and lately, he’s really shown us how far and wide his interests span in his tastes in art, fashion and other passions. He’s kind of an old soul with an avant garde streak.

Tae makes friends very easily and is very at ease with his other male friends.Tae is the kind of person who can maintain many friendships at a high level because of his very social nature. He has no problem introducing himself to others as we witnessed during the Grammys this year.

Of all the members, I believe Tae would be the one to handle his album release in a similar manner as Hobi did, having a listening party and it be like a laid back piano/hookah lounge vibe type thing where everyone is sitting around on sofas drinking martinis and eating canapes and couple dancing.

At Hobi’s party, Tae flitted about from person to person, danced in the middle of the dance floor like nobody was watching and pretty much was in his element. 

Here’s Jeon Jungkook:

I don’t know how you can hate Jungkookie. He’s like an open book. What you see is what you get. What triggers people to hate on him? I have no idea.

But Jungkook’s personality... to describe him is to just watch him in action ... I would say Jungkook is the most quirky personality of all the members... the weirdo of the bunch. 

Jeon Jungkook is an anomaly: starting so young and then finding such global success at such a young age in the cutthroat Kpop industry and still be the sweet, unassuming person that he is, is a testament to how he was able to handle the hard work, grinding schedule, and good luck of having god-given talent and the influence and support of the other members...ESPECIALLY the influence of the others that surrounded him as he grew up.

He is a free-spirit creative. Passionate about singing and dancing and whatever thing is fascinating him this week. The man has perfect pitch vocals and dance skills that are world class. He has a desire to be different. He’s not very outgoing, but like an expressive introvert. Almost what we call a wallflower. Not exactly moody. Aloof? Anti-social is not really correct either. I will find the right word... but definitely NOT an alpha to all you fanfic writers HAHAHA! Definitely NOT the conversationalist that Jimin and especially Tae can be. 

Half the time, he appears to just be along for the ride, but I don’t think much gets by Jungkook. Very observant. Very intelligent. Very good memory. But sometimes just can’t stay focused which manifests in being fidgety.

Not an instigator. But not really a follower either... A FREE SPIRIT I SAID! I think he is slightly impulsive too. Has a competitive streak. He has stated he is lazy which to me says he is not a natural self-starter but when he puts his mind to it, will learn a skill or become very disciplined... examples: his boxing pastime and adhering to his conditioning regimen for performing.

Jungkook has matured enough to take care of himself well these days. When in situations that make him uncomfortable or with unfamiliar people, he can now handle these types of instances with confidence but he had to learn how to do this. Jungkook being the type who is not a self-starter, he needs a motivator in his life, but once he gets started, watch out, the golden maknae will become the master. 

At Hobi’s party, after checking out his surroundings, Jungkook mostly either sat alone or danced with Hobi. 

NOTE: Of course, I was not at the party, no one except the people who attended can really say how the members were while there and who they hung around most. I only have the available photos to illustrate my points. 

Jimin and Tae:

Their documented history is well-known. They have talked about and displayed their emotional connection many times. I already touched on their roleplay and their soulmate relationship. 

Jimin and Tae butted heads at first, same-agers, young and hungry to be successful at their careers when they debuted, still rough around the edges.  We’ve heard from the other members that Jimin and Tae were most likely to have disagreements pre-debut and in the early years. Still learning how to live and work as a team. Which led to the infamous dumpling fight. The dumpling fight supposedly led to what sounds like an emotional soul-to-soul talk. 

The story goes, they went around sulled up for a while, then got together, talked it out. Probably some (alcohol-fueled) words were said to each other that peeled away layers and layers of emotional self-protection. If you are able to  reach that point, it is very liberating to bare your soul to someone and have them accept you as you are.

I think Jimin’s natural compassion touched something in Tae so profoundly, it made Tae look at Jimin in a totally different light. I think Jimin allowed Tae to feel like he could take (emotional) risks (as a male) that maybe he had not considered or was uncomfortable to do before. And this is the foundation for their level of comfort and ease with each other. They worked it out and the word “soulmate” got stamped on their relationship from there on out. 

Today, I believe all the members would consider each other mutual soulmates on some level, but Jimin and Tae were the first to reach that level and maintain it to this day.

Jimin and Tae have told us they speak to each other often. I think they are great supporters of each other’s well-being but I don’t think they spend a lot of time together when not working. Their interests are too divergent.

Tae and Jungkook:

From what I’ve seen, it’s a classic close sibling relationship. I see a lot of rough housing puppy play especially when they were younger. They were partners in crime when it came to being mischievous back then. A lot of physical closeness and skinship. Teasing, some big brother/little brother love going on.

Nowadays they just seem like best buddies slinging their arms around each other. I think Tae naturally falls into his hyung role very easily with Jungkook. I think sometimes Jungkook is done with it though. It’s like super-intense Tae clashing with laid-back Jungkook... a push and pull that is very subtle but it’s there. 

I watch carefully but I don’t see a really noticeable emotional connection. 

Jungkook and Tae have a great work relationship as does the entire team. That’s what makes them the top of the game. I see A LOT of interactions between Tae and Jungkook while performing, while they are in front of cameras. I don’t hear much about what goes on between them when they aren’t performing.

I don’t think Tae and Jungkook spend much time (if any) together when not working. Their interests are too divergent. 

Jimin and Jungkook:

Though they basically grew up together, Jungkook was able to mature into adulthood under the watchful eye of Jimin who was years ahead in maturity.

I would say everything Jungkook knows about being compassionate and empathetic toward others, he learned from observing the other members but mostly Jimin. Everything he knows about work ethic, he learned from Jimin. Everything he knows about enjoying life and celebrating other people, he learned from Jimin. How to navigate uncomfortable situations, he learned from Jimin. He’s said more than once that he watches Jimin and its obvious in all the years of content that he’s always watching him.

There is a palpable level of chemistry between them on-camera. This is the type of thing you can’t really fake. You either have it or you don’t. We’ve seen movie actors have such great chemistry on screen, and then we hear about them actually dating and sometimes getting married in real life. You can’t fake the chemistry. 

I think Jungkook enjoys a comfort level with Jimin that he does not possess with the other members. I think we all agree on that. There is an intimacy and closeness in their body language and tone of voice toward each other. It’s been a documented fact by staff and people on the street that they spend a lot of time together during work and off work. What they have in common is their approach to their work and what they choose to do off-work.

There is also a push and pull that is sometimes noticeable between Jimin and Jungkook but they are not really like the others. The thing that sets them apart is the lack of honorifics, the body language and the facial expressions. You just have to watch closely. This push and pull is more about their personalities than the age difference/honorifics customs. 

I could go on and on about Jimin and Jungkook because, in my opinion, they have the closest bond amongst the maknae line. I am certain we will continually see this bond between them express itself no matter where they are. 

What does all this mean “shipping-wise”? Since in my mind, shipping means an imagined romantic/sexual relationship, I will say I am not a shipper. Vmin are not dating in real life. Taekook are not dating in real life. 

I will be honest here, when I see taekook trending, I DO look to see what it is and it will be Tae and Jungkook next to each other in whatever the latest content drop is and that’s fine! But I can never scroll very long before I reach a post that is an edited image (edited Jimin out and inserted Tae with Jungkook, etc.) or toxic/negative/hating on Jimin so I stop looking. I never see this level of toxicity with any other shipping groups.

If any of them are dating in real life, it would be Jimin and Jungkook. Not fantasizing, not creating a narrative. Just watching and seeing things as they happen. We know what we think from the things we’ve seen, but the truth is something only they know. 

=====================================

Further explanations noted with the asterisks:

*That long break during the pandemic almost shattered Jimin’s ability to hold on to those parts of his idol persona that were what we call “shameless and bold”. Where did “shameless” Jimin go? Why are we suddenly confronted with so much “shy” Jimin? We heard him say he wondered during the pandemic what his purpose was since he could no longer perform. Jimin lives to be an idol. I would venture to say all that anxiety really wore him down and made him question everything. And the lack of immediate feedback of an audience during all those recorded performances made him lose his confidence somewhat. His subconscious was telling him “what’s the point of this?” But as they returned to performing with live audiences, we saw hints of the old Jimin returning. During the Vegas concerts we really witnessed Jimin getting his mojo back finally. 

**Comprehensive personality tests will also describe a person’s natural recharging/rest mode. Some people get recharged by being active like participating in sports, being outdoors, or some other highly physical activity, some recharge by reading, gaming or doing another low physical energy/high brain energy activity, others recharge by socializing with people, and then there’s those who recharge by sleeping. All are valid and natural reflexes according to personality research.

[hehosts]

(REN) HEADCANON DUMP:

ren’s real name is hatanaka yori ( 畠中 頼 ). hatanaka means in the midst of fields, while yori means trust.

children in japan do receive a school allowance which increases with age. ren used his allowance to help out at home, occasionally spending it on activities like getting ramen or going to karaoke. kyosuke’s allowance is spent for kyosuke and kyosuke only.

will elaborate later but the cumulative total of what ren owes goro is well close to 110-115k usd.

ren started drinking his junior year of high school, finding a few shots would kill the nerves and help him focus. this was the start of his alcoholism, propelled further after his mother’s accident.

ren has dressed kyosuke up every year for halloween — a pumpkin, a rabbit, tuxedo mask, and a few others — he will often match kyosuke if possible. one year kyosuke dressed up as his dad, which was very heartwarming for ren. for the host club or other adult events, he just defaults to his bunny suit, but he has done tuxedo mask several times for “variety”. tuxedo ren is a halloween exclusive.

kyosuke’s personality is very much influenced by ren -- curious and inquisitive, shy, thoughtful, and emotionally sensitive. these are all things ren was as a kid, which is why he doesn’t want that to be snuffed out in kyosuke the way he was snuffed out. he’s also not very imposing, he doesn’t grow up to be past 5′2-5′3 in adulthood and is very lithe, taking after his mother later in life in overall statue. he’s a sweet kid, very dependent on ren and very much favors his father, though he does love his mother. he likes spending time with her when she takes him for weekends -- it’s ren that struggles with separation.

which ren does sing and flirt a lot in french, he took the time to learn it basically for hosting so he puts it to good use 

ren doesn’t do a lot of performing with the boys these days as much as he used to but he does do solo performances with the piano and will still do the occasional routine — he primarily choreographs for them bc he is convinced they have no rhythm

ren does a) wear gloves at work and b) can and does actively sew

ren always knew he was attracted to men, though he has a slight bias for women. overall he wants to be married with his kid, and for him he wants to recreate what he had with hina — however he has a high attraction to men, and will seek out male companionship. right now he has a healthy balance of women and men he is seeing in threads, as well as my own characters from his canon. i do think this more openness came from hosting and being in the sex industry, and while he isn’t out there exclaiming his sexuality to the world, he will own up to it if asked. the only person he’s really afraid to tell would be anyone that’s in “yori’s” life, particularly his mother. she knows. she always has. that all being said: where he is now as “ren”, he is not afraid to make a move on a man he finds attractive. he tries to get “a vibe” from that they might have mutual interest — or just a curiosity he can satiate. he always has had a high sex drive, but was more “straight laced” in high school, not really completely comfortable / having the experience to know what he likes. he had one boy he liked a lot in high school, but nothing came of it, and his first real relationship was with a girl named emiyo, an underclassman (one year gap). she was his first sexual encounter, though he had kissed another girl before and had been "touched” over his clothes / had some intimacy fully clothed. emiyo was his first real “everything”.

COMPLIMENTING *in japan* ren is used to complimenting others as he’s generally the manager / hosting / in a sort of upper position of power — but he doesn’t compliment goro or others in positions above him. he’ll compliment friends and family as those relationships are personal. when initially hired, his hosts do not generally compliment him, but as they build an interpersonal relationship as a “cast” or group, the professionalism is there but decreased to a degree where it’s not “socially inappropriate”. this is because of the japanese dichotomy of compliments. complimenting someone above you in rank, such as your boss or manager, can be seen as conveying the message that you are “above them”. naturally, that isn’t the case if you are close to that person or have that sort of relationship with them. you can compliment your friends and even your coworkers if the relationship allows for that. you typically will not hear an employee tell their boss they “like their new haircut”, but a boss might compliment an employee’s work ethic. ren follows a lot of social customs but seems to pick and choose given the fact that he isn’t exactly in a “normal” profession such as an office worker with a traditional boss — but you will see him enact that respect to goro that would be seen in an office environment.

low-key ren cried the last night he locked up shining! after putting in his notice, it was definitely emotional for him to leave.

ren is not inherently photogenic. like if he doesn’t know he’s on camera, he’s fine, but intentional photography of like his host photo for the wall and ads? it takes forever to get the right shot, longer than any other host — thus, he goes last. he just goes dead-faced. if you’re getting a shot where he doesn’t know, but then turns around and notices, he’ll do that face. kyosuke is a smiley boy, so he doesn’t have this problem — but even ren’s school photos were bad.

for all his faults, ren is a fiercely protective father. there is nothing he won’t do for his son, even if it means putting himself in harm’s way.

ren’s primary homemaking skills also tend to help him in other areas such as his work, particularly with sewing / patching clothes. he also can cook and subsequently bake. he likes to keep a clean house but is too busy to be as tidy as he’d like, as well as having a kid around. he often sings around the house here and there and enjoys indulging in things like cooking breakfast or dinner. he tends to sing a lot when he cooks as it keeps him focused, and singing generally makes him feel better / soothed / happy.

he spent a lot of time with his mom, as she was a single mother, and thus picked these skills up through her.

[pholiabanna]

Sloppy seconds byler aren’t endgame angels with a nightmare is a fool a 25+ year old women with fantasies about teen boys being gay how’s that any different to men’s fantasies about lesbians?

Y’all are so caught up in you’re echo chambers you can’t see it and it’s gonna crash and burn so badly it’s not the byler show either it’s stranger things

Omg I feel so honored to get my first real hate ask!

There's so many things to unpack here, so I think Im gonna go one by one.

First of all, I assume you either ship Mleven or at least you despise byler, but my last post was only tagged as byler so there was no reason for you to see it unless you were stalking the byler tag, which in that case I'm glad you're such a dedicated fan!

Second of all, I'm assuming you're the same anon who has been sending around other anon asks the past couple of weeks always mentioned the words "sloppy seconds". Now, I know nothing about you or about your life enough to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but I think I'd should let you know how disgusting of a term that is, and what it implies. I'm assuming if you like Mileleven you like Mike too, since he's one half of the ship. That's why it's shocking to me how you seem so adamant of thinking of him as nothing but El's leftovers, as if he wasn't his own person with his self worth! Also, someone's worth doesn't lessen just because they've already been kissed or touched by someone else. That's a sad outlook on life, and I'm not telling you to be mean, but because I think you'll live happier if you leave such toxic mentalities behind. They really do no good to someone's self esteem.

About the women fantasies about gay men, please notice how most people in this tag are underage people of all genders. This is not a sexual fantasy, as these characters aren't even portrayed sexually in the show to begin with. This is people who want to see good stories about themselves being written, and I think that's a really valid thing to wish for. Even if you've seen a couple weirdos out there on the internet, that's not the case for almost the whole of the fanbase. There's creepy people everywhere in every fandom. Also may I add that if you prefer Mike and El (which is completely valid if you do, you're allowed to have your preferences!) they are the same age as Mike and Will. Wouldn't you be predatory as well if you ship them? No you wouldn't, because they're kids and their relationship has never been sexual. Just like with Will and Mike. Assuming that every gay romance is automatically sexual is a very homophobic mindset ingrained in our society. If you really see gay people this way, probably you've been conditioned by society to do so, in that case it's not your fault but it's never too late to educate yourself. You'll be happier, seriously.

Finally, I wouldn't say an echo chamber is a ship community that has more Billions of wievs on TikTok that the other ship and surpasses it on every other platform, and that has general audience filmmakers and professional writers say themselves that they also understand how it's set up to happen in the final season. But again, it is not my job to convince you and you're not forced to change your mind. We will all have to wait until the final season to see who was actually right, only the Duffer brothers know what will happen.

Finally, Stranger Things is obviously not the byler show. However, one of the most important rules of storytelling is writing personal arcs and relationships for the characters to serve as subplots to the main story, so that the characters become full fleshed and realistic. The fact that you can relate to fictional characters, even though you've probably never time travelled done magic, lived in a post apocalyptic time or wathever you wanna imagine, is because you relate to their personal stories. A story isn't good without personal arcs, every professional writer you ask will tell you this. So yes, relationships are an episode aspect of stranger things that people can discuss if they want to. And the byler tag, or any other ship tags exists precisely to focus on those relationships. It doesn't mean that people don't like any other aspects of the show.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my little rant anon. I wish you have a great day!

[furymint]

❤️ - How did your muse come to realize their romantic and sexual orientations? Was it difficult to accept? Are they proud of who they are?

Miscellaneous Symbol Headcanons

(Elliot figured it out quickly but not before he irrevocably damaged his understanding of love with unrealistic expectations and few boundaries. He's constantly chagrined by society + his own self hatred but has a decent amount of compromises in place to protect himself. and nolanel is not normal. nolanel will never be normal about anything in his life, least of all sex)

but oh MAN this is a good question and one i think abt all the time. the answers are v detailed and a bit nsfw so it's all going under a cut

elliot was young when he figured it out. his childhood was lonely and studious--and that was partly his doing. josseloux treated him almost like an adult, allowing him to make his own decisions abt where to go and what to do, and elliot invariably pursued learning over play. he was snobbish, oversensitive, and peculiarly observant and analytical--which hasn't rly changed.

he was obsessed with quixotic male heroes, would find his eye drawn for hours to the ideal male figures in statues, and wanted nothing to do with the coarse or unintelligent (read: not like him) boys around him. josseloux wasn't unaware, and stuffed a few books in his shelves to bait his son. something like edward carpenter's anthology of friendship Absolutely ruined elliot's understanding of what a relationship w another man should be: something full of devout loyalty, intellectual greatness, unerring inspiration, and nothing like what he observed in real life. he was Different and he wanted Better.

women were Better but they didn't do it Right. they had the grace, kindness, and beauty that he wanted--except they were women, and women were inconvenient bc of societal structure/expectations and ☆misogyny☆. he intuited what sex was between the lines of his dad's books and decided it was not for him. then a teenage boy stopped an 8yo eli in the hall, bent to fix elliot’s tie, and spiraled him into understanding.

his imagination became more in depth once he knew what he wanted to see but wasn't seeing it. as he grew older, his queerness became more prominent in contrast w the dominant culture, and he began to resent the way people treated him as a curiosity. it was in his sense of beauty, his voice, the carry of his body, his values, and he knew that he would feel humiliated abt it for the rest of his life. he doubled down on himself and allowed ppl who wanted to dislike him to do so; he would weaponize gossip against them eventually.

he's still self-conscious. self-hatred is part of it, but most of that hatred is towards other parts of himself. at this point, he's thrown himself so far into fretting about his socks  that bigger matters feel smaller. almost every salon, house, lodge, and backroom where queer talk happens has also heard elliot's laugh. his experience w relationships before nol are unexpectedly fleeting and shallow, too: 6 months mightve been the longest because he always knew smth isnt clicking completely and it's all hot & quick sparks before they stop talking.

his first approach to nol was intellectual before anything else, then sexual, and when neither of those made nol open up, he regarded their interactions as platonic until he actually learned what nolanel's suppressed af tells were. then he kissed the dope and entered the 'Oh. So Nolanel Like-Likes Me. He's Also Terrified Of Me. Please God Tell Me I Can Fix This' phase. it got worse before it got better. its a miracle he didnt drop nol then and there but i never claimed elliot was smart.

anyway. nols insanity aside its a huge effort for elliot to have to juggle his big silly personality & professionalism with smth (possibly) undesirable that ppl clock in him the minute he's in view. by n large tho, he likes being gay n celebrates it. he just gets in trouble bc his gay feelings are too big for him to handle.

nolanel is just. jfc. so practically everything in the world terrifies nol. romance and sex are no different. part of that is just his own brain, and the other half is taught or cultural. he grew up knowing the how and why of sex bc of how crucial it was to the operation of the ranch. simultaneously, the only love he had towards a person was ephemie, so he just assumed one day he'd marry her and figure the rest out. he kissed her when he was 10 and both of them were like. uh yeah No.

his only other exposure to love was at community dances in the lowlands, where he danced and tried to convince himself of feelings but just couldn't sympathize with the couples secreted away and groping at each other. it didnt seem fun or worth breaking rules for. halone would be mad.

moving to the brume when he was 14 woke him up. the culture around sex was more open, which was distressing and confusing and thrilling. then the military compounded the jumble with peer pressure, the live-before-you-die mentality, and ohhhhhhh god oh no no no men everywhere why are men hot too. sex seemed embedded in everything down to their uniforms. perhaps he would learn to live w this. :)

absolutely fucking not. the ppl who ply sex horrify him by reminding him of his own desires (which halone says are bad). the most nol's done is make out w rando ladies but the minute they touch him past that he nopes out. this got even worse when his body was burned. dont look at him dont touch him (please look at him please touch him). he wants to be in love and have sex but any exp fills him w dread to the point it makes him sick. also, war makes him scared and sick. he is now doubly scared and sick. he starts telling himself its a waste and a distraction while knowing its not bc he cant. stop. thinking abt it.

ENTER BRUCEMONT. who loves sniffing out a weakness. he drills those feelings deeper into nols head while loudly contradicting them in his own life. he'll sit there and give explicit details abt the woman he bedded the night before so nol gets blueballed and furious. its hook line and sinker every time. truly embarrassing. brucemont loves his job. also, elliot is a political pest Needs To Go.

so this uber ridiculous religious, occupational, and personal shame cocktail is rly not helpful to nols state of mind. he Literally throws up after elliot kisses him for the first time bc he's so violently scared. his internalized homophobia acts up at the worst times, he's deathly ashamed of loving elliot at all for a while, and it takes forever for him learn that privacy is not secrecy and vice versa. the last thing i wrote is all about this.

honest to god if he just let himself enjoy something instead of analyzing the moral properties of kissing the man he's been pining after for 4 yrs, he'd have a better time of life. nol please go get laid im crying. and then he can't be normal abt that either bc hes i like uhhhh yeahhhhh im not rly interested in taking any of my clothes off the first time

i think if he fell in love w a woman he'd feel a lot more comfortable about it. anyone but elliot (and bruce. i know i joke abt it but GOD its possible its terrifying) would also do him good. nol has a v servile personality that adapts to the needs of the person he likes, but he and eli have such wildly different needs that they have to beat each other's brains like laundry for several years before they're compatible. none of this helps nol view his sexuality as smth hes remotely okay with for a v long time

[juszar2]

Summarily...

imagine you work for an organization that is charged to assist those in need. You are asked to partner with an employee to build services. The person is known to be unsavory /treacherous but out of obligation to your ethnicity, rather than use your talent with the Caucasian or Hispanic groups who invite you, you assist the AFAM to build. You are opposite of her and are aware of her Treachery and poor character. The person says to you "you will not regret it" and you accept to work with her. For years you give her NO personal info and keep it boundaried. She tells staff of her past drug sales/raids by authorities and even how she would steal food funds in bulk out of the US mail where she processed mail at prior employment. After great success you are really tired of being in presence of low and you attempt to exit and find sabotage efforts. This low is praising you while you hear threats that it would like to ruin your life if you depart and strange things that relay fixation. One occasion you suspect something going on in an instant and find it says "she saw... That was x thousands of $ worth of business" as she relayed to another that you saw the illegal goings on by chance. Others call the job to offer you positions to leave the rot but you leave the area instead. You leave abruptly to find out that in concert with that person there is a homosexual enemy from your childhood propositioning/ soliciting your male spouse. Either first when it saw you by chance, or in concert. It has been propositioning the low male. This homosexual is steeped in thinking about you to the extent that it is asking the male spouse personal information regarding your life and any relationships. It has gone so far as to review everything about a first boyfriend from his cars, to even his... Nails? Yes. Then it asked the male spouse if you'd had sexual encounters with a female childhood friend. All the while it is creating a record where it also obsesses over you and insults you. Still... You are living your life not aware that this freak is stalking your life and asking the male to have sex with it, while it's in a relationship with a woman who lives as a man and... Whatever other activities. Again... You do not want this thing in or near your life, but that is it's goal. Just as a child, it identifies the liability and begins to whisper and con in order to get familiar and get near. You are the goal. It tries to sow division and discord incessantly and just as it's criminal record and felony charges relay, it is a con and had apparently done nothing in life and has nothing noteworthy to mention just Beyond its mid 40s. It clearly emulates and feigns personhood in order to compete with you, it's obsession. You have executed the course of life with excellence... As opined by esteemed professionals experienced in destructive disgusting characters with personality disorders. You find out much later that this rot, the former employee and the homosexual has been engaged in what they call a "set up" and has been fixated on you and your life. Using the weak male spouse. This is public knowledge that these gross are stalking you and your life. The employee even went as far to say that the conduct and stalking is what she teaches her own... In another display of scorn stalking ignorance personified. All plays out on a forum over time without your knowledge until made aware. As a private citizen they stalk as if you were a celebrity and literally follow you and your life. They seek anyone near your life that they can pocket and the goal is obsession and trying to find liabilities that will let your enemies cozy up to them and follow your life... While insulting you. This is what is likely going on in my life, as a grown woman. I want zero to do with this lowly and the spouse denies in texts posted here as well as extreme anger saying do not connect him to such. It is low life demonstrated and personified. Obsession is real, targets are not responsible for this nor defending themselves.. It is disturbing dangerous.

[starship-imzadi]

S6 E3 Man of the People

(I typed most of this out a long while ago; this is just a much delayed posting with minor additions.)

-

Another episode to add to Troi's suffering and trauma. This is one of the tough ones to watch.

So I actually stopped doing these for a while because I got busy but also because I didn't feel like I had the emotional energy to watch this episode. (Now I can't quite remember what happens, so let's do this!)

I always love some silent eye contact between Riker and Troi.

I wonder, do they just hold them in the pattern buffer untill whoever is supposed to greet them gets there? Troi walks in right before the materialize; It's such perfect timing....

What a way to make a bad first impression. And Troi looks deeply uncomfortable.

This beginning has a little more exposition than I want with a few too many names that are meaningless.

Worf's tai chi class. For all of Worf's supposed physical training he never strikes me as an especially poised or graceful person.

Troi and this guy's interactions immediately seem a bit awkward and forced; like bad flirting. I'm not sure if that's intended or they're meant to be establishing a positive rapport (one of the down sides of characters confined to a single episode is there's never enough time to build what feels like real chemistry and tell both plot lines A and B).

Awkwardly long shoulder touch to end the interaction. I imagine this might have been intended to display comfort? but it makes me uncomfortable because we barely know the character. Anyone lingering like that, even if they're only touching my shoulder, would make me uncomfortable if I've only known them for five minutes. (For anyone who is interested, the field that looks at non-verbal, interpersonal interaction through touch is known as social haptics or haptic communication.)

This guy's "mother" is a HUGE red flag. From her jealousy to her impertinent question. Also telling a woman that if she "mates" with this man she'll regret it for the rest of her life.... is a pretty outrageous statement.

By contrast, the rapport Troi has with Riker feels very natural and authentic. Her body language and face expression seem relaxed. His voice is softer and seems more gentle too (which is to say they both seem at ease.)

It's funny, you can hear Troi pat Riker's knee

The old woman's hands are stiff like....rigor mortis already? (Is 93 old for this time period?)

Troi had such a strong reaction when the rocks touch, clearly negative, and I want to know what she's feeling. Does she realise something is wrong?

She has such long fingernails. Wow.

(ensign Janeway?!)

What's that little thing Troi has? A skirt?

I love Picard's jacket. It was such great costuem development.

I really want to know what Troi is feeling. She's exhibiting different behavior externally but there's really nothing to tell us how she is feeling about it.

"i don't know anything about you" sounds like a potentially alluring line but the reality is she really doesn't know anything about him so she has no idea if being alone with him is even really a safe place to be.

"if there's anything else I need I know where to find you" this statement immediately displays a selfishness and a self-centeredness that is uncharacteristic of Troi. Clearly the sexual interaction she just had with this crew member was about satiating her desires, with literally the closest available person. And it brings into question abuse of authority; she has no personal relationship with the man so their only connection is professional, and she out ranks him.

And then Troi's first question to Riker seems intent on instigating jealousy, and he handles it very well. (Which is a testament to his character.) I wish he'd been written to be concerned about her altered behavior rather than apparently annoyed (but we've still got 25 minutes to get through and if he got suspicious too early there wouldn't be a plot.)

Damn, Troi is really going off the rails.

Crusher getting clever for a work around.

Data is like a child, pointing out obvious but important details. Marina does look incredible in that dress. It's much more flattering than her typically bland one piece not-uniform.

The question is, is what Troi says born from whatever she's feeling or is it genuine perception?

I'm glad to see Riker intervening. I wonder if telling her she's "way out of line" is as a commanding officer? He certainly has a harsh tone.

Troi using "imzadi" as a means of manipulating Riker makes me cringe so hard. Rather than being in tune with him she seems oblivious to his emotions and social cues. "I'm worried about you" now feels like a it's coming from a friend despite still being stern. I feel like it should have been sooner but at least he is paying attention.

He is resistant to her, but still gentle, calling her by name and not outright rejecting her kiss. When she hurts him, literally drawing blood, he looks so confused and shocked; probably too much so to register being hurt. When she says "please" it sounds so desperate and genuine.

It really isn't clear why Troi desires this guy (or anyone) when he seems so disinterested in her. (He even pronounces ger name incorrectly). I don't know what his behavior was in the beginning (that awkward flirting) that he has done away with it now. Was it just to gain her trust for the ritual?) because he doesn't seem to have any other interests in her.

"I'm closer to Deanna than I've ever been to anyone." Aww 🥰

Deanna is really taking a turn for the worse, and fast. Picard's reaction to her is a perfect mix of shock and confusion.

Cute little moment between Picard and Crusher. It's funny that Picard as the patient assures Dr. Crusher that he'll be fine.

Crusher's impassioned "I don't care" seems more about her care for Deanna than a flippant reaction to a different culture.

This guy is horrible and he's totally fine with it. The arrogance; He's playing god and he's self appointed. A very important question that should be asked is why he chooses women to carry the burden of his "negative" emotions? It would seem to be an all too real display of how "great" men use and neglect the women whose support (chosen, coerced, or forced) makes them "great" without sharing the credit or benefits and while insisting they, as men, are more logical and capable than those same women.

Look at Riker's utter shock and panic when Crusher says Deanna has to die, as he turns to Picard for .... emotional support, or help. And you can see his panic rising more as the conversation goes on.

The makeup on Marina is incredible and also really ugly.

It's unfortunate that an episode were Troi gets so much screen time involves abusing her. That seems often to be the case; like the writers don't know what to do with her otherwise.

Is everyone in on the plan to kill Troi? Because Worf didn't seem phased.

This guy has an incredible ego. He's so manipulative and....predatory.

I don't know how the damage to Troi isn't irreparable. But okay. (The little brain defibrillator is so comical.)

It's cute that Riker is there the whole time and he's the first person Troi turns to once she regains consciousness. (Notice the optimistic little brass theme that signals that everything is okay again).

At least the experience seems distant to her, and potentially less traumatic.

Aww, little affectionate kiss. I love that.

"thanks for sticking by me"

"I always will"

And a cute cuddle

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Purple again. Unsure what I'm looking for. Suicide mention.

So a few days ago I got offered the closest I'm going to get to help right now, which was talking with a friend of my mother in law's who is a professional psychologist. I'd already met this person a couple times, so she'd have been close enough to not feel like a total stranger but not close enough to be biased in my favor or anything, so I was honestly, seriously thinking of trying it. Starting out small obviously to make sure she'd be confidential like she promised, but still I was really considering it. Better than waiting at least six months to see the exact same therapist my wife does which I'm sure is some can of worms.

And then a bunch of negative things happened with my wife over a couple days and I ended up having a breakdown in which I opened up about the suicidal thoughts I've been having. She absolutely lost it, down to trying to force me to be admitted. I managed to talk her out of that but it was terrifying, and I was still stressed and crying a lot through the next few hours. I don't remember how we got on the subject but she got mad at me for not talking to this family friend yet, to which I said I wanted to but I was scared since I didn't know if I could avoid talking about the ways my wife has been abusive to me through the years, since while that's far from my only trauma it's a recent and painful one that definitely contributes to why I'm not doing well.

She...got pretty mad about that, and said that I wouldn't be able to talk about it from a non biased point of view and that I'd just try to make myself look like a victim and that I just needed to stop being delusional and thinking of myself as the victim in events in my life.

That...well it fucked me up pretty badly. Originally, she'd encouraged me to get therapy to finally work through some childhood trauma, especially csa, but also some neglect and bits of physical violence. I'd finally opened up to her about it just under a year ago, mostly because I needed someone to tell me if they thought my memories were real or I'd just made them up to seem like a victim and get pity. Even after she said she believed me, I was still terrified that one day she'd decide I'd made it up to seem like a victim. I mean, she's dismissed my responses to her physically hurting me or sexually assaulting me before so it wouldn't be surprising if she dismissed this too. And while she never fully said that in regards to my childhood, she did say that was how I saw our relationship (she's never fully just said all of it was my fault, but has definitely implied it a lot) and also went on about how I actually had a really good life with everything handed to me. It just...really hurt. I'd told her the worst things that have happened in my life, told her about growing up largely ignored and with a mom who's hoarding was so bad I basically lived in a dumpster. I'd only recently started to accept how crap things have been most of my life, how much that messed me up mentally and that I needed help, and then she had to tell me everything was good actually, and on top of that I just wasn't grateful for the amazing life I've had and I deserved absolutely nothing.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I want to leave her but I can't. She barely knows how to do...anything required for an adult to function and refuses to go back to work and says she'll die if I leave, but I want to leave so badly. Even with her trying to change over the past few months there have still been some pretty bad times, and I'm always either on edge or dissociated around her, but I know I can't leave now. But now, after what she said, even though all I really wanted from therapy was learning to deal with stress better and not make people angry all the time, I can't even reach out for help. I hate it. She said she didn't mean it and got all sad when I tried to bring it up, but it's stuck regardless. She knew I was afraid of hearing all those things. Even without her saying them I've had panic attacks about that fear. It had finally been starting to abate some and then she had to say all my fears out loud, all at once. Who am I kidding she's probably right and I should just accept that. It all either didn't happen or it was all my fault or both I don't know

I don't know where I was going with this, really, but I just hate that it seems like I officially have to get better on my own and I don't know if I can do that. I'm sorry.

Hey Purple,

I'm so sorry to hear about what's been going on recently. Please know that you don't deserve to be talked to that way, and I can imagine how hurt that must make you, having already shared such tender details with her.

It's great that you potentially have an opportunity to be seen by a professional psychologist, and it's definitely better than nothing at all. However, something I learned in counseling class is that a psychologist and a therapist are two different people. A psychologist is typically someone who diagnoses clients or conducts research, rather than providing therapy. So do consider that this person may not actually be a therapist in any capacity. They may be a professional psychologist, but they may not be a LMHC.

That aside, I wish your wife were more understanding of the factors that can complicate seeking professional help. It sounds like she puts multiple layers of unrealistic expectations on you, ignoring what you've been through and how it shapes who you are today. It's incredibly dismissive of her to accuse you of trying to look like a victim as if you aren't, and I can understand how this comment must've deeply hurt you.

It can be really hard to know how to feel about someone who has harmed us in the ways you've described, especially when it's someone we're extremely close to or are even legally bonded to. It sounds like she is manipulative in many ways and puts unrealistic pressure on you to stay, insisting that she would die if you left. It can be hard to internalize but please consider that your wife's decisions for herself are her responsibility only. It would not be your fault for respecting your boundaries and yourself by leaving, even if she chooses to make matters worse for herself because of it. You don't deserve to be guilt tripped into a relationship that has caused you immense pain. You also don't deserve to feel trapped in a relationship with someone who refuses to take accountability for insulting, hurting, and assaulting you.

Therapy and healing is ultimately something to be done to yourself, but not alone. You deserve to be surrounded by people who can support you in your healing journey, and I hope that we can be an example of that.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[bluewinnerangel]

Some of Harry's quotes about work vs private life in British GQ (2013) and Rolling Stone (2022)

2013: Are you getting more used to being this famous? "I don't think you can ever get used to being this famous. I've learnt how to keep things separate or at a distance. I've nothing to hide. But seeing this as work, like a job, means I can take a step back. It's me right now in front of you and in the papers but it's not all of me. If you give yourself entirely to the business, you'd end up going mad. And I'm not mad. Not yet."

2022: "When I’m working, I work really hard, and I think I’m really professional. Then when I’m not, I’m not. I’d like to think I’m open, and probably quite stubborn, too, and willing to be vulnerable. I can be selfish sometimes, but I’d like to think that I’m a caring person. I’ve never talked about my life away from work publicly and found that it’s benefited me positively. There’s always going to be a version of a narrative, and I think I just decided I wasn’t going to spend the time trying to correct it or redirect it in some way. Sometimes people say, ‘You’ve only publicly been with women,’ and I don’t think I’ve publicly been with anyone. If someone takes a picture of you with someone, it doesn’t mean you’re choosing to have a public relationship or something."

2013: So you're not bisexual? "Bisexual? Me? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I'm not."

2022: "I think everyone, including myself, has your own journey with figuring out sexuality and getting more comfortable with it."

2013: Do these rumours feel at all intrusive? "Some of them are funny. Some of them are ridiculous. Some of them are annoying. I don't want to be one of those people that complains about the rumours. I never like it when a celebrity goes on Twitter and says, "This isn't true!" It is what it is, I tend not to do that."

2022: Styles is not the most online person — he uses Instagram to look at plants and architecture posts, has never had the TikTok app, and calls Twitter "a shitstorm of people trying to be awful to people".

2013: "The only time it gets really annoying is that if you get into a relationship and you get into a place where you really like someone and then things are being written in the papers that affect them and how they see you. Then it can get annoying."

2022: "[about toxic corners of the internet and their treatment of people closest to him] That obviously doesn’t make me feel good. Other people blur the lines for you. Can you imagine going on a second date with someone and being like, ‘OK, there’s this corner of the thing, and they’re going to say this, and it’s going to be really crazy, and they’re going to be really mean, and it’s not real…. But anyway, what do you want to eat? It’s obviously a difficult feeling to feel like being close to me means you’re at the ransom of a corner of Twitter or something. I just wanted to sing. I didn’t want to get into it if I was going to hurt people like that."