#like im aware i was on the Internet way too young

[just-your-average-author]

me reminiscing on phan lore from 2009 as if I wasn't LITERALLY IN SECOND GRADE???

like ah 2009 thing that happened blah blah cute stuff I'm so jealous what was I doing during that time I wish I saw these Myspace and tweets live and I'm like Oh Right, I was an Elementary Schooler

[cherrieflavouredheadcanons]

hi luv! i hope you're doing great. Saw your recent post and i do have a hc request (since im having a haikyuu brainrot rn 👀), what would you think of making papa!haikyuu hcs 😩. How would these volley boys make as a father! (especially kenma, tsukki and noya) and you can add your favs too 💕sjsjjsjs hope you have a great day ahead!

I'm doing okay, I hope you are doing good and that you have a nice day! I hope you enjoy this post and it is to your liking

Them as fathers

Characters: Kenma, Noya, Tsukki Gender neutral reader, it is not mentioned whether the children are adopted or biological, Kenma’s is longer than the others because i had way too many ideas for him

Kenma Kozume

First things first: I don’t think Kenma would have more than one kid, if you really wanted to have more he would relent but he is perfectly happy with just one, he thinks 3 people is the perfect number for your little family.

You may think he wouldn’t be that involved in his kids life, but that is a big misconception,

No matter how much work he has to do he makes sure to spend time with you and your kid.

Kenma would never show his child on the internet in any way, he wants to keep his private life private and keep his child safe, he knows how cruel the internet can be, no way in hell will he put his young child into that kind of situation.

Once your child learned to crawl he brought the three starters of Pokémon black and white (gen 5 best games I don’t take criticism) to see which one your child would choose.

Based on what they chose he will be sulky or proud. (I nearly made this into Oshawott propaganda but I didn’t you’re welcome). But at the end of the day he knows that they just choose one based on colours and shapes, he would teach them once they are older how to perfectly choose a starter.

Best believe that as soon as your kid is old enough to understand things he will show them all kinds of (age appropriate) video games.

You enter his gaming room with some snacks for him and you can just see him play Slime Rancher as your kid sits in his lap, eyes glued to what their father is doing.

He already has started a Stardew Valley coop farm for you three to play together one day, he is just waiting for the day your child is old enough.

Now enough video game talk, (though I have so many more ideas about this lol) your child loves it when Kenma reads to them before they sleep, his voice is very soothing to them.

Once they are asleep Kenma stays at their side a bit longer, watching them sleep a serene smile on his face.

Kenma can’t say no to your kid, he will buy them anything they want. You sometimes wonder how he can be so responsible with his money in any other situation, but your child just needs to point at something and he will buy it for them unless you intervene.

Lastly, be prepared for Kenma and your kid to team up against you. Board games? Yeah they are a team even if the game isn’t a game for teaming up. (Monopoly is a nightmare with them, Oh you need a red? Too bad your kid and Kenma are trading it between one another instead of giving it to you) But you can’t really seem to mind when you see the way Kenma and your kid smile. (Unless you are like me and are fiercely competitive in games then you may want to strike Kenma down)

Yu Nishinoya

Noya would take longer to have children with you, at least until he is done travelling, he does want kids but is aware that travelling the world with them wouldn’t be ideal, he wants them to have a stable home.

Once you two do have kids, he wants at least 2 or 3. Noya wants a big family.

I feel like he is the type of Dad that throws his kids in the air and then catches them (he won’t do it high) and it always gives you a heart attack.

Instead of reading them good night stories he always tells them (embellished) stories from when he travelled the world, for example he once exclaimed to one of your kids how a mermaid vied for your attention but he fought them heroically off.

This does bite him in the ass years down the line once your kids are teens, they will bring these stories up whenever they can to tease him.

Asahi is basically an uncle to your kids, he often visits you and brings the kids many gifts. He loves to spoil them.

And yes Asahi designs the clothes for your kids as well, it often leads to many people asking you and Noya where you got the clothes for them from since they are such a high quality.

Yes, he will teach your kids “Rolling thunder”. No you can’t stop him. Even if your kids don’t play Volleyball they will still know the move.

This leads to your kids looking for his old jersey’s from highschool, putting them on and pretending to  be their dad. No he is not crying, he just got dust in his eye.

Vacations and holidays are important to Noya, while he can’t travel the world with your kids, he will take them on memorable vacations across the country when they are old enough to remember them.

He wants them to have a happy and fulfilled childhood with as many experiences as they can have.

Kei Tsukishima

When you first brought up having children with him he asked “Are you sure you can take care of a child? Don’t you wanna practise with a pet rock first?” You lightly punched him in the chest for that and he had his signature smirk on his face.

He is honestly neutral on the aspect of having kids, he is not against it but also it was never his dream of having them, so he is fine with whatever you want.

Just like Kenma he would probably only have one kid, with his Job as a Volleyballplayer and everything he isn’t home that often, so if you had more than one kid he would feel guilty leaving you home alone with them.

Tsukki is probably the first one from Karasuno to have a kid, so he is smug about the fact that he is ‘better’ than the others in that regard.

The first team reunion after you two had your child will have him holding his child proudly, while he tells all the others how slow they are for not having kids yet, which has everyone rolling their eyes. He is very proud of his kid so that he will hold it up Lion King style so everyone can admire it.

Unluckily though he miscalculated the height of the ceiling and bonked your kids head on it, which left everyone in the room in a stunned silence (True story from my infant days, my dad did this exact thing with me)

You had made him change every diaper for 2 weeks for the heart attack he gave you with that, even if your kid was fine and wasn’t hurt.

Tsukki and you switch every night who is going to read your kid, while you pick different topics every time, he only ever chooses dinosaur stories to read to your kid.

Speaking of dinosaurs, Tsukki once claimed he had to educate your kid on certain things while you went out grocery shopping, when you came back you saw that the thing he was educating your child on was “The land before time” which made you smile.

Now no matter if the child is biologically yours or adopted, it somehow interhits his sass, which means you will be surrounded by two sassy little pieces of shit (affectionate).

Though you get both of them to calm down their sass by offering them some strawberry cake if they stop, it surprisingly works better on Tsukki then on your kid, who would have thought?

[colorfullpaperbird]

Characters in Ace attorney that i believe are aware of fanfiction✨ ( and fandom )

Warning i haven’t played all the games yet, in fact my apollo justice trilogy is crashing every time i try to open it, so all the characters from after aa3 are based on fandom osmosis

Miles Edgeworth - writes Steel Samurai fanfiction on ao3 and has been doing it for some time now (the living embodiment of the ao3 writers curse) would rather die than anyone finding that out tho, doesn’t have a lot of free time so only posts once in like 3-4 months, fics are pretty good and distinct since he writes them with so much formality, so he is relatively popular in some fandom spaces;

Maya Fey- fanfiction reader only, runs an account on Tumblr for Steel Samurai news and fanwork, famous in the fandom and runs a discord server, one of those people that lowkey have their own fandom mostly bc of the insane revelations she drops about her own life from time to time ( “ lmao guys sorry for being absent but i got accused of murder for the 4th time and that really sucked ANYWAYS did you guys look at the leaks for the new reboot… “ ) Shes also way too open about herself on the internet;

Simon Blackquill: Sasuke fan ( derogatory ) also steel samurai fan tho, dont think he goes out the way to read fanfiction ( i think if he did he would read them in fanfiction.net ) but its pretty funny to think hes edgeworths beta reader ( AN: sorry for the delay, unfortunate circumstances came to light that my beta reader was arrested and is now on death roll ) He ran an AMV account on youtube before going to prison;

Trucy Wright: Shes 16 and her only friends are her dads coworkers, she opened wattpad AT LEAST once, probably accidentally read one of those “got sold to one direction (gavinners)” fics and immediately closed the app;

Klavier Gavin: opened wattpad to see what type of fanfiction people were writing about him, he runs a secret fan account and shares fun facts about him and his bandmates as “hcs”, also pretty popular but most people hate him bc they believe his depiction of the gavinners is “too ooc”. He is actually pretty impressed by the quality of most of the works and alludes to their existence constantly in his main on twitter, the fans go insane everytime;

Franziska Von Karma: I don’t believe Franziska is a fanfiction reader nor is she into any fandom, i do however believe she has notifications turned on for Edgeworth’s ao3 account, he doesn’t know that of course, what a foolish fool to think he could hide such a thing from his big sister, she will sometimes quote his work back to him and find amusing seeing him freeze. He thinks its a coincidence because he is too secretive about his hobbies, he’s wrong, she’s been following him online since she was 13, that’s how she knew he wasn’t dead in JFA.

Extras: Phoenix is technologically illiterate, he couldn’t read fanfiction even if he wanted to. Apollo is way too normal for that, he has the law autism not the fandom one. Athena knows of fanfiction bc she is young and in the internet but she wasn’t very interested in it. If you ask Gumshoe about fanfiction he would give you a smile and say “Of course im a Fan of Fiction Pal!”. I do believe Pearl has wattpad but only reads original works on there, so in my opinion she doesn’t count.

Im sorry for any spelling mistakes, english is not my first language

[ahappydnp]

this is an actual question- i know dnp were kids when the internet came out but back in the early days was internet safety not taught? yes i know dan graduated hs in 2009 but was that not standard curriculum (or at least a shitty assembly?) ik you didnt go through the british school system but im just curious (for reference i was in kindergarten in 2009) (also considering this is the piss on the poor site no i am not victim blaming him for creeps im just wondering)

absolutely not lmao there was zero awareness for internet safety especially for mine and dan's age group. we were old enough to be left alone on the family computer but too young to think critically about how we engage with strangers online and the concept of that specific brand of 00s social media was so foreign to most adults it wouldn't cross their minds to make a PSA (specifically sites like myspace where you'd display your real name, photos, and personal information and then ADD AS MANY STRANGERS AS YOU COULD TO YOUR FRIENDS LIST VIA WHORE TRAINS)

we just treated our online life like an extension of our real lives except you'd get to befriend people who were like you but nothing was necessarily off the table in a way that's common sense now (like posting your home and school and where you hung out etc). and of course no one could have predicted what internet fame would turn into

[crguang]

I think the problem with Topaz it that she seems shallow. You work for evil capitalist corporation™ and are just 'Meh' about it?

Like you wanted her to like her job okay, them make her more like Jade. Jade willingly and deliberately exploits her clients weakness and gloats over it. I don't think any sad backstory as much as heartwreching it could be can take away that fact she gloats over her winns and is unapologetic.

But Topaz likes her job and doesn't think too hard on it... Like okay. I get all her home planet had to sign themselves away to receive help (groomed since young) and she saw it as an opportunity to progress, her savior and wants to extend that but, you don't get that high maintaining that child like wonder.

I think I would like her a lot more if she was painfully conscious of the bad of the IPC but actively grappling with her own moral compass, gaslighting herself to look it over, justifing her actions and the IPC's to herself to be able to uphold her POV and bringing that 'help' herself to other planets. Like she is SO GOOD at her job and probably received praise back and forth, the IPC is all she knows so it's the base of her self worth. She just doesn't reflect at all and I refuse to belive she doesn't know the IPC has done some heinous crimes.

you’ve literally said everything. like this is exactly what bothers me about her. omg. youre inside my head because that was so perfectly put, so clear too i owe u my life. what annoys me the most about topaz is that she pretends like the ipc is good and is portrayed by the game as being “a good person” who just wants to help and who put her job on the line for it because, again, “she’s actually not that bad and not all ipc members are evil !!” when the reality of things is that she is so shallow. she contradicts herself multiple times, obviously is smart enough to understand the cost of what she does, but they want me to believe that she’s nice because… she didn’t sell out belobog? who she called servants? yeah ok. she’s good at her job, she knows what she’s doing and she’s ok with it like why are we pretending otherwise?? 😭 am i supposed to give a shit about her (tame and unoriginal) backstory? im confused.

that wardance event really made me despise her because of how they had luka accept her help and basically concede just so everyone could be friends. hoyoverse are such cowards with this, they make bad people then try to find a way for everyone in-game, even those who share opposing ideals/values, to like them. it makes me feel crazy and yes this is also about the stellaron hunters but WHATEVERRR— with luka it bothered me the most because he is a victim of the ipc and they made it seem like he was in the wrong for distrusting them, it made me so mad. i wanted to break that camera head so bad im happy kafka destroyed that intellitron planet like whatever. and they superimposed his story with IGOR, whose story was basically “the ipc needs to die” so im quite. quite puzzled about that narrative choice

at least jade is unapologetically evil and is self-aware, topaz feels like a character made up in 4 minutes because they needed an antagonist for the belobog interlude. alright. this is why i compare her to skott, who’s just an ipc lackey whose job is all he knows. fuck they even gave skott a sad backstory in that march event 😭 topaz has nothing to her name but that pig and her job… she has a semblance of relationship with aventurine and is a fool in front of jade. that doesn’t move me. and just because its her saying it i hate her voice line about the stellaron hunters its dumb and nonsensical and she should shut up forever

i cant stand her at all also because of her delusional fans on the internet, it’s so easy for me to hate a ship or a character just because their fans are annoying as fuck and topaz is one of them. don’t understand their own (nothing) character and ive argued with them too many times to just dislike her, i full on cant see her stupid face anymore im sorry

[anonzentimes]

LONG ASS ASK INKOMING ZEN so its super cold in brazil today so typing is a little hard and there might be weird typos fkshdkjd but

when i was like 14 i had online friends that were also 14 and were into danganronpa but all they talked abt was the flaws of the series and how much they hated the more problematic aspects of it, it was a constant wave of gender discourse and sexuality discourse and nagito is a bad portrayal of mental illnesses and miu iruma is too sexual and this character is bad cause of xyz and that character is bad because of this and that and honestly whatever the fuck else you can argue about this series about, whenever i mentioned that danganronpa seemed fun and id like to get into it my friends would tell me that its not worth it, that the series is fucking horrid that i should run the other way and be glad i never entered the hellhole that is being a danganronpa fan

so thanks to this and like constant fucking weird shit coming out of the hell hole that is the fucking dr fandom on Twitter for like, four whole years I straight up didn't touch the series. a series that I was so fully aware that I would love btw, because i was always into gorey art and i found the art of dr so pretty and the characters had such intresting designs and the pink blood was so cool and i love the killing game genre and the mystery solving aspect, of danganronpa seemed so cool, i did not go near this series with a fucking 10-ft Pole

until literally maybe some months ago at 18 years old a streamer I like said on stream something like "oh yeah danganronpa is fucking awesome im so glad i played it" and I was like fuck it, this guy has high standards, if he likes it it cant be that bad. and so I downloaded trigger happy havoc and i was so pleasantly surprised by it, sure case 2 is a case that exists but like other than that i immediately fell in love with this franchise, i loved almost everything about the game, then i started sdr2 and nagito took over every single part of my brain within 0.2 seconds of gameplay AND DR2 IS SO PEAK JUST IN GENERAL udg was super fucking fun i love touko and komarus relationship and the warriors of hope so much, dr3 was awsome even if i didnt really care for future arc despair hope and 2.5 were awasome the end of drv3 hit me like a truck and it genuenly took me a couple hours to understand that my beloved class 77b wasnt just retconned out of existence and currently im trying to kill executive dysfunction and procrastination and read dr0 and again want to replay dr2 cause my hyperfixated ass would rather play the game when she should be alseep to know what happens next than play it when she isn't too tired to understand whats happening lmao

and after i was done with the series i sat down and thought about how i let 14 year olds on the internet who im not even friends with anymore keep me away from something that now i hold so dear and close to my heart, and i wonder how many people who would love danganronpa will never give the series a chance because not only does the wider interner find it cringe but the fandom constantly tell potential new fans to stay away and act like its the worst midea ever written, the way some people are unable to enjoy what they love without guilt is so sad because not only does it affect them but also others

and this is super personal but i wonder how danganronpa would have impacted me if i got into it back when i found out about it at 14, how much different having danganronpa to hang on to would have made my life when i was burning out at school because i was trying to survive neurodivergency hell with undiagnosed autism and possible adhd

dangabronpa is awsome i love it so so much

YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL SO UNBELIEVABLY YOUNG OH MY GOD. I HEARD ABOUT DANGANRONPA WHEN I WAS 11 I'M PRETTY SURE AHHHH HAHA!!! Overall I think this raises a good lesson that we should trust our guts and from our own opinions on media. Look into things you're curious about, learn if it's worth it yourself, and come to your own conclusions! I feel bad for those who never get to understand Nagito Komaeda, let alone know he exists. This franchise has some negatives but the positives outweigh the issues entirely to me and I wish people gave it more of a chance. dangabronpa is awsome INDEED lmfao.

[fipindustries]

got obsessed last night thinking about that "would you go back to being 5 if you had the chance"

the more i thought of it the more issues started piling up.

first of all i wouldnt be able to keep it a secret for long. the sheer shock of meeting my family young again, including dead relatives, would be too strong. also i dont think i could convincingly pretend to act as a five year old. so i would have to tell the truth to my parents.

would they believe me? well i would be able to prove that i have completly unreasonable knowledge for a 5 year old, advanced math, literature, computation, physics, plus knowing english fluently. worst case scenario i can predict 9/11 and eventually they would just kind of have no option but to believe me.

would i be able to get them to buy early stock on shit like google, amazon, youtube, facebook, etc? i dunno, we were a struggling family in argentina back then, i dont think they would have the channels available to do that. also our country was about to be hit by one of its worst economic crises ever so that would also suck a whole lot.

the problem that comes with this is if they tell other people, if the secret comes out id be genuenly terrified id be kidnapped by some agency of some sort and they would try to squeeze me for all my knowledge of the future. same reason i dont think i could contact anyone online about this, there are many people online i would like to have their feed back on my situation but i would worry that a mail or a call or a private message would get intercepted by some NSA like agency (did they even exist in the 90's??? who knows) and is back to the kidnapping. im not internet savvy enough to know of any way to securely send messages online, less of all how to do that in 98.

the other problem is that i would be aware of so many tragedies in my family that i would feel the need to do something about. like how do i break it to my parents that they will get divorced eventually? i know of a distant aunt that will die eventually but i dont remember the exact year so how can i prevent that? do i tell those other relatives that their first attempt at having a child is going to end on a spontanous abortion??? i know of a relative who ended up molesting another relative but it would feel weird to accuse them when they havent done anything yet and it would be a terrible blow to the family and there is a chance they wouldnt believe me. but also i wouldnt be able to hang out with that relative knowing what they will do and it would be massively awkward. and also, how can i look at the relative that got molested on the face if im not going to stop what theyre going to go through? i would be forced to interact with some many people in my family i dont talk to anymore.

do i tell my dad that he will get fired from his job? do i tell my mom what career she is eventually going to pursue? how would she feel about that? would she even go to that career? would i be controlling her life telling her what she is supposed to do?

if i try to re establish friendships with my friends early on the power imbalance would be ridiculous. i already know everything about them. it would be a different friendship if i am the one who pursues it deliberatly and tries to cultivate it on purpose rather than letting it bloom organically. also if i meet them too early on they might be entirely different people, and maybe due to my interference they never grow up to be the people i am familiar with. do i tell that evangelical christian friend that they will eventually become an atheist? do i tell that other "boy" that they will eventually become a girl? do i let that guy know they are gay? holy shit i know of so many of my relatives and friends of my mom that were still on the closet back then.

and on that topic. fuck me, would i have to essentially boy mode for huge portions of my life until i finally start to get some independence. this is the late 90's early 2000's in argentina we are speaking about. i dont think i would get my parents to respect the gender of their 5 year old kid. that would fucking suck balls. shit i probably wouldnt be able to watch porn any more! or masturbate! or be in a serious relationship for at least ten years and even then, again power differentials, i would be so much more mature and adult than any prospective partner with my body's age.

also going to school would be hell, i could probably know how to avoid being bullied this second time around but still i dont think i could avoid being ostracized because i am not going to change who i am just so a bunch of snot nosed little kids dont make fun of me. so that would also suck.

i wouldnt be able to see nothing new on tv, jesus christ. it would all just be shows and episodes i saw before. same in movies. i could probably catch up on some movies from the past i didnt get around to seeing yet. and would probably get to see a bunch of my favourite movies on theatres that i hadnt had the chance to see. but over all it would mean no new media for 25 years. no new games, movies, books, comics, tv shows etc.

also, of course there would be divergences, massive divergences. in fact the more time passes the more things will inevitable change due to my interference and at some point i would be living an entirely new life with no memories to be guided by and that would be terrifying on a whole new level because there would be a chance i end up in a worse place i was at the first time around. i was thinking that i could at least live happy and secure knowing that i was not going to die because i know nothing killed me the first time around but what if actually the first time around i had a bunch of brushes with death i wasnt aware of like a potential car crash or whatever that this time around i do end up in?

there are just far too many downsides honestly to be worth it

[enigmaticdiary]

i am rewatching episode 1 for rewind the tape :) I've seen the pilot probably around 20 times at this point but I've only watched it by myself.... once! so for the first time since my first time watching it alone, im gonna do it again with a head full of knowledge of the iwtv book and the full season. and im turning off captions so it's less reading and more watching and close observing for me >:D

Below is a liveblog!

WARNING: I FUCKING LOVE TO TALK AND POINT OUT USELESS THINGS ON EVERY SINGLE THING I SEE. THIS POST IS GOING TO BE A MILE LONG. Also im still not great at putting my thoughts together.

hmm. I would read molloys book on kaposi sarcoma and hiv/aids. i love how well the fake book covers and this advert are put together because so many times I've been asked by friends who i showed the show to if it was an actual commercial LOL.

THE PIC ON THE BACK OF THE BOOK GOING FROM LUKE TO JUST AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF YOUNG ERIC BOGOSIAN? LMFAO. The casting is genuinely so perfect in this show. hehe i like how well the passage of time is depicted through the book covers too, not just in. the photos for daniel obviously but for the aesthetic styles of the covers. the cover they made for "the internets gavel" is sooo mid 2000s. I love the attention to detail for these things on screen for less than a second because it gives a fool like me something to look at and praise simply because the detail wasn't overlooked.

"hate and ashbury" man this is such a good title too. simply because im looking at it and sifting out details it's such a good way to get even more insight into molloy's character. while I don't need to get into a history lecture of haight-ashbury, it tells a lot because it was a historically hippie neighborhood in the 1960s and the birthplace of the counterculture movement, it says a lot for molloy especially seeing the previous three fictional books he wrote about, being hiv/aids crisis, the politics of climate change in the United states, the governments attempts at putting stricter regulation on the internet... I could get into how this connects with molloy's character more in relation to his desire for vampirism but i am barely over a minute in and I've been typing for 15 minutes now!!!

"Preparing For An Interview" NO WAY. GUYS!

No no no i will not pause every 10 seconds and try to connect the thematic dots of everything being presented to me. I need to save that for the video essay im writing!

louis' beautiful handwriting❤️

i dont know why daniels scrunched up face is so fucking funny to me.

Jesus okay watching this without captions is actually really difficult for me i see why i need them all at all times. If im not rewinding because i keep fucking pausing im rewinding because I didn't understand a fucking word i just heard. Despite seeing the episode 20 times.

Hmm.. What personally redemptive accomplishments could louis be referring to..?

UUGGGHHHHHHJJJJJJJJHHHHHHHHHHHHHFHHHH sorry Louis on screen and i started tearing up. Hello armand goodbye armand.

Yah.

Do you think louis goes on twitter sometimes.

Yah?

COVID MEDIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COVID MEDIA!!!!!!!!!!!

Louis has changed... The only big change he's mentioned between Interview 1 and now that I can recall off the top of my head is that he stopped killing in 2000. I wonder why? I wonder many things

Truth and reconciliation....

Armand being concerned with daniels editor seeing/hearing what was said. I am vaguely aware of the theory that armand has possibly been up to mindfuckery with both louis and Daniel and i can only wonder if this has been mentioned to buoy that theory. To control the narrative.? Hmm... but why?

I know Daniel was annoyed by louis calling him "boy" but i think it's kind of cute. Even with nearly 50 years passing by, the old human is still young to the vampire who has lived going on twice his lifetimes. I am not 10 minutes in and I have been typing for 40 minutes!

FUUUUUUCK sorry. louis

I have no commentary on louis introducing. LESTAT. sorry, not him. On louis introducing new orleans and his the place he inhabited in it. I think its pretty self explanatory and explicit, yeah?

BRICKS❤️❤️❤️❤️

Oh my god the fucking "Oh—goddamn." upon seeing fenwicks diarrhea dick is Ao fucking funny. Louis acting like he would actually have a problem seein a dick or too. Probably would have a problem seeing fenwicks tho (unshitted on). I don't disagree there. Maybe the poop camo is for the best....

Yiu can't be saying that racist jake the dog

Id stick my finger in fenwicks wound and see how deep itd go.

Hi paul

The lord told me to cum. Sorry im 5 years old

Paul punching louis is genuinely so fucking. LESTAT AND HIS FUCKING GOOFY ASS HAT OH MY GOD!!. Sorry. Paul punching Louis was so fucking funny to me because I know that if they were not on that street and were at home or something they would be SLUGGING each other until grace has to pull them apart. Then hug it out :) Idk is this how siblings work im pretty much an only child

I keep having to google words help. HELP. NOT ME HAVING LOOKED UP "PULPIT" ALREADY AND APPARENTLY COMPLETELY FORGETTING WHAT IT MEANS.

Immediately another word I have to google. Im not gonna say I'm stupid for not knowing these words, i did not grow up with the church as closely as others...

i do think a lot about the pointe du lac household before their father died. like. A lot. Theres so much in that brief interaction mentioning him. The sugar cane, the hospital, the Diversion.

Ill never forget the first time i rewatched this ep After learning about the mayfair witches and seeing this scene and being like: GASP! OH MY GOD! ANNE RICE REFERENCE! IT'S ALL CONNECTED!

Paul is so fucking funny like the shade he's constantly throwing, please take a break LMFAO

hng. (louis)

Googling words again. Hmmm the internalized homophobia yes yes i see. Sorry need to google another fucking word. Oh. oh louis...... Ok I can see how my mom picked up on louis being gay so fast. I am a smart boy but my vocabulary is pathetically limited so "big" words going over my head made what should've been pretty obvious be absolutely indecipherable to me. Sorry for being stupid (im not)

I am 17 minutes in and I have been watching and typing for an hour!

Louis: everyone in here is white so its easy to pick out who's gonna call me a nigger to my face and whos gonna do it behind my back

Sir..... Mister....

Hes here

Microaggression 1

TWO.

THREE.

FOUR?

LESTAT CONTINUOUSLY HITTING ME OVER THE HEAD WITH BRICKS

His hair looks like shit

IM. GOING TO KILL HIM. Dont worry louis get behind me.

YOU GONNA FALL VICTIM TO THIS MAN WHOSE HAIR GOT CAUGHT UNDER THE IRON?

Oh my god Leswirl de lioncourt PLEASE PLEASE I CANT TAKE THIS. Actually started growling out loud and said "Shut rhr fuck up, oh mt God.!!!"

IVE EMPTIED A BANK VAULT SAMPLING. S. AJSHKSKSJZMSMS PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP OH MY GKD. PLEASW. ISNSSMJAKSNSMSJAJZMSUAUBZNZ

Lestat put your ears away, please.

Me, watching this for the first time at the age of 20: Is this gay...? No... it can't be. They would put gay in a show...? For real? (in denial and scared of being queerbaited despite the most explicit homosexual overtext)

MISS CARROLL THEYRE HAVING A DICK MEASURING COMPETITION.!!!!!!!

Unfortunately lestat did kind of serve there but throwing his dick down on the table embarrassing louis like that in front of miss carroll and lily was evil and racist somehow And he should be sentenced to 40 good slams in thr head with a brick

If paul didn't punch louis none of this would be happening

Lestat: God i love to troll

Who the devil you say.? Well...

Oh lord louis' face card sorry didn't mean to moan like that. I saw a maj so beautiful I threw up evrrywhere

Hmm. The racism

FUUUUUUCK LOUIS IS SO CUTE I NEED TO KILL MYSELF!

Lestat needs to put his ears AWAY he looks so bad with his hair that short.

What IS this insane time freezing trick lestat is doing? God when im actually giving myself a chance to really absorb myself in the show that scene is actually pretty fucking scary LOL

I NEED TO DIE I HATE HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE SHIOT ME IN THE FUCKING HEADA

Lord have mercy the sheer SEX in his eyes as he looks at louis' neck. I nedd to die

Paul..... I need to kill myself for emotional reasons not related to loustat

Egypt reference! Wow! Gabrielle allusion ! "The means to make my way to paris" Ok well what if i

I FEEL SO FUCKING BAD AT HOW HARD I LAUGH AT PAULS SCENES. steven norfleet does such an amazing job in this role.

SAVAGE GARDEN!!!!!!! GUYS!!!!! B

Hooray! The scene that changed me literally Forever. Whatever, man.

Ykung violinist

lily and lestat circling louis like two lions descending on a zebra.

I had a dream about this scene once. I will not br elaborating.

Dude.

GUYS. SEX IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Guys.

God thid is so fucking crazy

Unfortunately this part does make me giggle especially having to see these two men floating naked and seeing sams fat ass Im about to start crying again

I wish vampires were real

Insert joe biden yelling faggot I don't have it on hand and i don't want to pause for 20 minutes to find it

MY FAVORITE SCENE EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAUL AND LOUIS TAPDSNCING SO CUTE AARRRGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! The fact that thus scenr eas really all them, being jacob and steven, its so awesome.

WHEN THE BLACK JOY! And then thr Black suffering. Ok guys 21st time is a charm Im praying really hard I THINK I CAN STOP PAUL FROM JUMPING THIS TIME!

This is one of those scenes that really seperates black viewers from nonblack viewers because the way some of my nonblack friends have reacted to florence blaming louis has made me so insanely embarrassed.... I don't know how to explain it. But the shame from a black parent... especially the mother. I don't know. It breaks you in a different way than anything else. Theres a lot of nuance I want to say but I don't have the time or brainpower or expertise to word it properly so please just take my emotional response to this scene at face value.

sorry but lestat just openly asking during the funeral service where they got pauls coffin from is CRAZY.

Breaking finns arm was also crazy as fuck. Like would hs have done that if louis didn't get angry as fuck at him just then. Unfortunately knowing lestats character now seeing louis get mad like that probably made him hard as fuck and thr only way he can deal with it in the moment is to break that mans arm. Sorry I love how ar the beginning of this post i was like super into the nitty gritty and the details bjt then it just turned into me making fun of lestat and how hard he definitely was in like every single scene he was in

God. the pain.

Killing lily was in fact extremely racist and misogynistic of lestat. He should be stabbed many times for this

God.

Ok scene two that permanently changed me

Sorry to that poor stunt double that got knocked out then.

What rage you must feel as you choke on your sorrow. Unfortunately one of the hardest lines ever

No commentary. Hard to say things about this scene cause its just so good, man.

Oh my poor ashy grey blood deprived louis

Watching this scene with headphones on is crazy

GOD. GUYS. I LOVE SHOW. DID YOU GUYS KNOW I FUCKING LOVE SHOW???!!?? Pack it up guys This is one of the best pilots in tv history

To wrap up this post, it took me about 2 hours and 20 minutes to finish the first episode. I spent twice as long watching it BECAUSE I LOVE TO FUCKING YAP!

[triplexdoublex]

Recap of Bad Friends pod.

comedy pod so mostly the hosts making jokes out things kels says like Kels says he has 3 cats. 1 host jokes about being a cat guy = having a big d.

The only times i rmr cracking a smile were:

Host asked kels, pretend im your daughter. The asian host did a baby voice w an asian accent. And then says oh wait sorry i’ll white it up and kels is like no no my daughters black.

after the bit, kels talked more seriously about his parenting style. He doesn’t hide who he is from Casie. Doesn’t want her to easily be “lured in” by someone with “cars and weed”.He knows she’ll want to be properly courted.

He also always tells her she’s beautiful. She views him as her best friend. He knows she’ll only want someone who treat her right because of how he treats her.

Kels talked about not being proud of everything that he’s said on the internet. It sucks because i feel like he says this in every interview now since he’s aware of trolls who stalk him to comment about his past.

He also talked abt it being hard because casie has access to all that too. host asks if he felt “fucked” at 19 when he found out he had a kid on the way. Kels said it was hard.

At 19, him and slim were sharing a 1 bedroom apartment. He was working at chipotle, wasn’t easy to get days off. Once he gave his manger jay z tickets for a day off to perform.

Eventually was fired for not showing up after his day off request was declined. He went to a music seminar for a meeting that day. Met his now manger there, joked he thought she was with a label because he saw a white girl w a clipboard. she got him a job as a redbull delivery driver. she let him crash at her place. he won’t ever replace her because she always believed in him.

talked abt childhood. kels dad was religious. his dad’s solution was to read young kel’s the bible when he was acting out. Kels says he’s with God now but his childhood made him reject religion in his 20s. Talked about being Norse. He has the ruins tatted on him.

He got caught w coke at LAX a few yrs ago. He had a championship ring in his backpack, the tsa agent asked him if he could take a photo of it. tsa found a pill bottle, kels forgot he had coke in it.

they asked if he has enemies. he says not after his ego death in 2022. he realized he has no control of other’s opinions and it’s not job his to be liked. Art is suppose to create conversation. And maybe at the end, people will realize “the perceived antagonist was the protagonist”. this was my fav part of the pod. that quote resonated although he wasn’t even trying to be deep.

Also because ik you love mod, i can’t forget to add that he was mentioned in the pod. he shared a little story abt directing w mod sun (the one they had dennis rod man in). mod has dennis tatted on him and tried showing Dennis but dennis walked past him and said “what’s up superstar” to kels only. kels says mod & him still laugh abt this.

ngl i don’t recc listening to the full thing. nothing too funny or interesting. feel like most of this stuff i already knew just from his lyrics & past interviews.

Thanks so much for the recap!

[femconstellation]

I know how you feel about trans women (I’m not here to debate upon that, you’re entitled to your opinions) but how do you feel about trans men? Asking because while I don’t agree with terf ideology I want to know more about it (I like knowing the opinions of people I disagree with because being informed is important!)

Feel free to delete/not interact with this ask, i don’t mind!

Hi, thank you for the v respectful ask!

I actually am of the opinion that a lot of the trans children are mistaking/having their feelings of not fitting into gender stereotypes as being trans, and that quite a few trans adults are the same way. And while I usually do refer to trans-identified males in general when im talking about the fetishizing of lesbianism/being a woman, i dont think every TiM is doing it to fetish being female or a lesbian (…but there’s quite a lot and every TiM adult I’ve met is like that). I have sympathy for young trans people who were convinced that disliking their sex = changing their gender. But I don’t have sympathy for the TiMs that say that ‘feeling like a lesbian’ or ‘feeling like they like women the way lesbians do’ is the reason they transitioned. Or say that their whole gender identity is based on VERY sexist stereotypes about women. Or the ones who straight up admit to transitioning because they think being a woman is a feeling and not something I am literally oppressed for being.

And trans men specifically - I say this as someone who former identified as nonbinary for a while, and dipped into transmasc territory. And I also have many currently-trans men or formerly-trans men friends, so it’s something I’ve witnessed as well. A lot of the things they describe as gender dysphoria — literally the effects of misogyny or fatphobia or racism. (but mostly misogyny since it directly relates to sex — but i think it is very important to mention that fatphobia and racism are both things i have witnessed being part of the reason.)

I thought i was nonbinary because I was uncomfortable with how I was viewed as a woman. The way my friends treated me for being a woman despite them mostly being female. The way any male friends I had acted towards me. And while I knew being nonbinary didn’t change how society acted towards me, I felt like I distanced myself from that misogyny. In my head, they were now silly for calling me misogynistic things because haha, I’m not a woman!

And I’ve seen this with my friends too. Friends who go through sexual trauma, discomfort with the constant sexualization of their body, male harassment, etc. tend to lean into identifying away from being a woman because they’re at least partially aware that being a woman is related to the shit that happened to them and the treatment they get.

What’s crazy is how online, if you say you like being ‘masculine’ or ‘gnc’. Or if you say you hate your breasts. Or if you say you hate being a woman. You’re called an egg and THAT side of the internet convinces you you’re trans when 99% of the time, you’re just dealing with the effects of misogyny.

So in short I think most trans men are just females who are dealing with the effects of misogyny and shit in their life and think being a man is the solution when a LOT of them would do better if they had a mental health support system that went through trying to sort out that internalized misogyny before immediately jumping to hormones. But also I don’t think lesser of TiF for that; I just think they’re better off getting support that isn’t hormones first.

Idek. I worked 14 hours today and I am tired. 😭😭 I hope this makes sense.

Also irl I don’t ‘misgender’ (use he/him pronouns for TiMs, she/her for TiF) trans people. I don’t harass trans people irl. I keep my opinions to myself irl. I just let them out on here 🌝

[br1ghtestlight]

I’m curious about 13, 14, and 25 if you haven’t answered those already!

have already answered for 25 :)

the bob and louise angst au is one I have talked about a bit on tumblr its just an au where gene, tina and linda died in a car accident when louise was 3 years old and it's like a norman's hotel type vibe where bob and louise are VERY secluded and mostly keep to themselves. very traumatized by it all and bob is overprotective. mostly trying to analyze how gene and tina's existence affected louise and how it would be different if she never had older siblings. it's sad tbh i dont think i will ever properly do anything with it but i do think about it sometimes

Louise Belcher was an only child.

Her father said that she wasn’t. He told her that she had an older sister named Tina and an older brother named Gene, but they died in the same car accident that killed her mother when they were five and seven years old. Louise was too young when the accident happened to remember them, only three years old and not yet aware of herself or her place in their family, so in her mind she was an only child. That was how she grew up, and a brother and sister in Heaven didn’t change anything for her. She didn’t need them.

Sometimes, when Louise was alone and feeling sorry for herself, she would try to remember what her siblings' voices sounded like. She would try to remember what they would say to her back when they were alive, and the games they would play together. Louise was the youngest so she’d always get her way when she felt like their games were unfair. She would try but she could never quite remember.

Her father had shown her videos he recorded of her mother and even a few videos of when her siblings were younger, before Louise was even born, but nothing recent enough that it sparked a memory. They just looked like annoying toddlers to her. Not her siblings.

She’d seen pictures of them, when she asked her father to bring them out from where they were hidden in storage, but that wasn’t the same. They just looked like stock photos he pulled from the internet. They didn’t feel like real people that she had known.

my louise/rudy my girl fic in contrast is actually not angsty AT ALL it was just a silly little concept i wrote where louise watches my girl w/ her family and sees herself and rudy in the characters and gets stressed out that something bad could happen to rudy. she sees rudy at school and he's basically like louise im FINE nothing bad is ever going to happen to me i promise <3 it was just a stupid movie

Louise found My Girl to be painfully boring in the beginning but when Thomas J. Sennett was introduced, she found herself relating to his dynamic with Vada. He reminded her of her best friend Regular-Sized Rudy.

They were always riding bicycles around Rudy’s mother’s house and similarly to Thomas J. Sennett, Rudy was allergic to EVERYTHING! Louise still thought that this movie was stupid and she wasn’t interested in the romance aspect at all, but she appreciated seeing a friendship that reminded her of Rudy. Louise snuggled under Bob’s arm and continued watching My Girl with her family—occasionally laughing to herself at moments that she deemed to be cheesy or unrealistic—until there was a completely out of nowhere twist near the ending of the movie that even Louise hadn’t seen coming.

Thomas J. Sennett had an allergic reaction and DIED!

Vada was left trying to understand how her best friend had died from an allergic reaction and how to cope with the grief and heartbreak she was feeling, and Louise who had otherwise been disinterested for most of the movie suddenly found herself trying to suppress her emotions so that she wouldn’t cry in front of her family over a STUPID coming of age movie. Louise never cried when watching movies.

“This is so sad. It’s been such a long time since we watched this movie together, Bobby! I forgot that he dies at the end,” Linda said as she blew her nose into a tissue.

Linda was always the most emotionally impacted when they watched movies together as a family, especially when children dying was involved. She always said that it made her think about losing her own children and how heartbroken she would feel. Louise had her face buried in Bob’s side so that nobody would hear her sniffling or see the tears that were pouring down her face.

[doloresdisparue]

Hi! Im 15 and I love morbid, introspective, philosophical media. I have been scrolling through your blog for a long time and I love your interpretation of Lolita. Would you recommend someone my age to read it?

I think that's very hard to say without knowing you. It's definitely not a book meant for teens but I'm well aware there are precocious kids in the sense of simply loving reading and difficult subjects. I definitely think at that age it only makes sense if you either have an unusually large vocabulary or are looking to expand yours and willing to put in the work. I know a lot probably would have gone over my head at 15 even if I had read it in my native language (and I think it's definitely best in the original).

Your willingness to already immerse yourself in analysis and the weight of the topic definitely speaks for your ability to engage with the material. I don't think at 15 I would have been able to really appreciate the depth and horror of it but I also know people who first read it young and revisited it through the years and let it unfold all its layers that way. And clearly there are more than enough adults who didn't remotely get it even at their big age.

You will probably have a very different experience reading it as someone who is actually Dolly's age as opposed to someone who firmly sees 15 year olds as children. Whether thats better or worse depends on a lot of factors I can't really speak to not knowing you. How well you can digest fictional atrocity varies wildly between people regardless of age. I don't know if you have experience with the topic personally or close to you either. It's heavy and awful subject matter but unfortunately being 15 doesn't necessarily mean you've never had any touching point with any of it.

As condescending as it might sound, without knowing you I'd say you should probably consider whether you have people to talk to if the topic gets too much, too upsetting or even just if you have questions about sections of the book, literary references, foreign language... whatever. Ideally someone older but you probably know best who you could rely on as a sounding board in your life.

I'm also always around for Lolita related questions or simply as someone else who loves the book but I'm also a stranger and at the risk of once again sounding like your grandma it's very fair to not trust strangers on the internet.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 3/14/2023

one of the good things about the tuesdaypost series is that it reassures me i did actually do things in a particular week, even if the week felt very much like an unmemorable gray blob

listening

Aretha Franklin's Chain of Fools this came on last night as i was making dinner. two (three? let's not think about it) years ago i found the las vegas jazz station bc i wanted something on in the background while i wrote cowboyfic. and now (when i remember internet radio exists) it's in the rotation of things keeping me company while i tend to my databases

-

reading

it's been just over two weeks since philip marlowe has burrowed his way into my brain. i have read through most of The Simple Art of Murder, which contains the titular essay and eight novellas/short stories. if you enjoy reading and thinking about criticism as its own genre/art form, this seven page essay is well worth reading. chandler had extremely strong opinions about his colleagues that he kept to himself with varying degrees of success. aside from a brief catty snit at what we now call "cozy" mysteries, it's a very level look at the challenges and limitations of detective fiction as a genre.

The realistic style is easy to abuse: from haste, from lack of awareness, from inability to bridge the chasm that lies between what a writer would like to be able to say and what he actually knows how to say. It is easy to fake; brutality is not strength, flipness is not wit, edge-of-the-chair writing can be as boring as flat writing; dalliance with promiscuous blondes can be very dull stuff when described by goaty young men with no other purpose in mind than to describe dalliance with promiscuous blondes. There has been so much of this sort of thing that if a character in a detective story says, "Yeah," the author is automatically a Hammett imitator. And there are still quite a few people around who say that Hammett did not write detective stories at all, merely hardboiled chronicles of mean streets with a perfunctory mystery element dropped in like the olive in a martini.

i had a tremendous amount of fun reading through the novellas and picking out elements he reused and expanded upon in later full novels.

im yoinking this example from wikipedia but this sequence in The Big Sleep:

The room was too big, the ceiling was too high, the doors were too tall, and the white carpet that went from wall to wall looked like a fresh fall of snow at Lake Arrowhead. There were full-length mirrors and crystal doodads all over the place. The ivory furniture had chromium on it, and the enormous ivory drapes lay tumbled on the white carpet a yard from the windows. The white made the ivory look dirty and the ivory made the white look bled out. The windows stared towards the darkening foothills. It was going to rain soon. There was pressure in the air already.

first appeared in the short story The Curtain:

This room had a white carpet from wall to wall. Ivory drapes of immense height lay tumbled casually on the white carpet inside the many windows, which stared towards the dark foot-hills. The air beyond the glass was dark too. It had not started to rain, yet there was a feeling of pressure in the atmosphere.

when you are an exacting self-editor who will spend five months on one short story i imagine it's quite easy to go back and expand on a previous framework? it is fun to see how the sausage gets made

-

watching

the westerner (1940, dir. Wyler). really had me thinking about the Types of westerns i like. this is a perfectly adequate, well-acted little open range vs. homesteaders film with an impressive prairie fire sequence. walter brennan (a guy i love to see) more than deserves his oscar. gary cooper is great as a quick-thinking drifter who scams his way out of a noose. our heroine looks very much like olivia de haviland around the eyes. the original nyt review points out that cooper is very much overshadowed, and cooper only did the movie under duress bc he was worried about this very thing (p. 138-140).

between the fact that the movie thinks cooper should be the lead but brennan steals every scene he's in, this movie does not grab me by the lapels and shake me like some others i could name. part of it is that i do not like brennan's character. he is a self-appointed judge with a 100% hanging rate. i also think this is a totally different movie if you are not a woman, bc his character is INCREDIBLY weird about women. the ending tried very hard and failed to make me go "aw he was all right deep down anyway huh".

the other part of why this movie does not work for me: it starts off as my favorite genre "Some Guy has an incredibly fucked up day" but most of it is about good bible-thumping homesteaders enacting the american dream. what if we all got along??? america's big enough for everyone isn't it?? this movie really pulls its fuckin punches re: any sort of a theme, and i do not like cooper as an actor or brennan's character enough to say i had a good time. this movie does not delve into an aspect of the cowboy western mythos i am particularly interested in, but it is on kanopy, and it is part of my goal to watch every western on kanopy in order to convince the boston public library to add more westerns.

-

playing

man i wish fallou/t 4 was good. ive really got to fucking suck it up and start rdr2 even though i know it will consume my life in a time where i do not have a ton of time to spare

-

making

chicken fajitas. no pics all gone.

also: 6/10 baby blanket repeats. im trying to get this out by midapril so if i decide to fly down and look at apartments in person i can deliver it in person. so far i am happy with this rate of progress. i am going to frown about the edging for a while when im done knitting the body but that's a problem for future kay

[plural-culture-is]

Im questioning wether i should even ask, im so hesitant about this.

Every time i go into a depressive period, i question in im really trans, if im really plural, ocd kicks in and worries about ways i might be awful.

So bear with me, if you dont answer this or the answer is painfully obvious or whatever i wouldn’t hold it against you.

As a young child i was severely abused by my father, and when we got away there was a period i don’t remember where i was in “psychosis” (quotes bc uncertainty), where i became an ape and was lost. I have only one memory from that time, where i came out of that to my mother calling my name and holding me. I only know of this time period because my mom told me about it.

Much later, when i was lonely i started to have imaginary friends, and i told my mom about them and she actually introduced the very beginning concept of tulpas to me and idfk why but she said that if they become aware and i stop being their friend they may get angry, and that sentient imaginary friends are called a tulpa. I worried about this, and idk if it was just my paranoia or something else but i did start to actualy get a vibe from my main imaginary friend like awareness, i could almost feel thoughts happening that were just sorta beyond a barrier. I stopped before anything else could happen, and i cried to my mom i was worried that my imaginary friend would hate me and become malevolent. She said that i’ll be alright, and that my imaginary friend probably still loves me.

(This is where things get confusing)

Few years gap, i am still very lonely but probably more, i start having the beginning signs of depression i think.

My mom started getting into new age stuff and psychic things, and i asked for a pendulum of my own to talk to spirits, one of which i formed a relationship with and even a “psychic link” (talking to eachother with our minds) and at some point after intrusive thoughts, some unhappiness and this other voice that would pretend to be that one, i stopped for fear of getting posessed.

Around this time, watched and listened to a lot more conspiracy theories in my house than we did before, stuff like you’d find on Gaia TV or Joe Rogan and others to give well-known examples. I would hear about people contacting or being contacted psychically by aliens, notably these ones colloquially called the Blue Avians. There was also a videogame i played at the time with alien bird people too. In anycase, i was lonely (and tbh kinda grieving no longer talking to the spirit one?) got the idea to deliberately try and make a psychic link out in the universe and i made one, i managed to talk to a blue avian and started what i thought a romantic relationship looked like with them. I talked to and interacted with them every day, very often. I eventually met another two “aliens” through them and now i was talking to 2-3 beings mentally for a while, while they told me about life in their world.

I went through a lot of denial and that i was crazy or it was in my head, which i mean yeah. I later remembered what my mom told me about years ago: tulpas. That sounds about right. And with my new internet access i looked into it, i found i was already doing what those people were or atleast i was pretty sure. But some things werent adding up, many of them said a tulpa was more a mental construct and that they 1, couldnt be mean to you for example, 2, couldnt talk besides when you wanted them to and so on, mine were too autonomous i guess. In anycase, i continued but acted both as if they were real alien beings elsewhere and a mental construction for a while. At some point then i found out about DID and saw eery similarities, that was my second theory about what was going on. At around this time i broke away from the conspiracy aliens thing, and started thinking more about spirits, and would talk to random and re-occuring ones often. At around this point but maybe well before i started to fall into psychosis and a lot of intrusive thoughts and even hallucinations. At this point i was going through a lot and all these conflicting and inconsistent worldviews were starting to get to me, aswell as me starting to realize but not knowing outright that i was queer. I learned more things that werent conspiracy theories or new age stuff, and i finally broke. I describe it as litterally there was countless pieces of my mind fighting eachother, as verbally and not and everything was clashing. I am not using metaphore here. I felt separated from my body and in a haze, much like when im co-conscious and not in “the driver’s seat”. I fell further into psychosis too. Eventually something was said that made my different conflicting worldviews a little more compatible on paper, and i survived. Then was recovery, still talking to “spirits” and stuff and even aliens. Up to and before this point my family was obsessed with “shadow work”, aka forcing yourself to look at trauma unessecarily. I was partly doing this bc i worried that me being queer was somehow from my father abusing me as a child. This is part of what contributed to that shattering.

So skipping a bunch of tedium, i started operating as if i was plural after a while of debunking stuff , i figured out that yes i definitely am queer and that its not a bad thing, but i still had doubts.

I still talk to my presumed alters often, but there is some funny business:

After setting up some walls or rooms in headspace, they don’t intrude as much and i dont hear them unless i wanna and vice versa

Im struggling to tell if its my internal echolalia or if its me saying everything they say, and sometimes the line is blurrier

They can say things on their own even things that surprise me, but so can i sorta

im almost certain we can’t full switch, or if we can im not sure if i will have any experience while the other is fronting, does this make us monoconscious?

We can go co-conscious pretty much on demand whenever we feel like it, and we can do a partial switch too i just have to relax and allow it

Im pretty much always fronting fully or partially, and always watching when another is fronting

I cant mentally hear them when i talk too, i either have to go quiet or pause for them, and when i do talk it either is too much chatter i cant process or i automaticaly somehow mute my minds ears to them. But, due to autism, talking even to ppl outside my head is like this where i either speak or listen no inbetween

I want to hopefully finally solve this and get on with my life. Thanks for reading/answering if you do

sorry, this ask has been our inbox too long and we haven't been able to come up with a response, so we're handing it off to the public to answer

[restinpeacesensei]

@talisman975

#I think you did the right thing with waiting! #sometimes it’s better to do something AFTER the hype has died down #it’s like going to the store after Black Friday it’s not worth going on that day and getting overwhelmed or harassed by everyone #plus I totally get being uncomfortable with certain comments at Akoya and the boys #they’re still high school kids after all #actually I think that’s something a lot of anime fans tend to forget since we HAVE so many anime that takes place in a high school #or a majority of the characters are minors yet they’re constantly sexualized #ngl I love that a character like Akoya and this show in general prefers to use the term pretty to describe the boys #Akoya may be a villain but he still prides himself to be pretty and beautiful #and I love him for that and I love that the show doesn’t say it’s bad that he does this

i love your black friday comparison, that puts it in perspective so much!! ;;O;; it's a double-edged sword tbh, it's usually a lot of fun and encouraging/motivating to be involved in communities during high activity but also more overwhelming. i wish i'd learned to speak up for myself earlier so i could have enjoyed the higher level of interaction without the discomfort, but it was only from going through that for so long that i figured it out. it was honestly really important for me to learn that from this whole experience.

(to be fair, i don't think anyone has meant to harass me. i know a lot of people and/or artists take and/or mean "hot"/"sexy" as a compliment. im just personally sensitive about that and/or uncomfortable with those words; to me it feels a bit like being catcalled. i do think the internet normalizes it WAY too much to say these types of things to random strangers, without knowing if the person is okay with it or not--because yes, it'd often be considered harassment irl, and the internet seems to make a lot of people forget this. but i also know most people aren't intending to bother me and aren't aware of how i feel unless i say it, so it's good for everyone that ive learned to state my boundaries.)

thank you so much for your validation and understanding of being uncomfortable!! \T--T/ though, the ages aren't the reason it makes me uncomfortable. (i personally like to imagine that akoya has aged along with me and is an adult now) it makes me uncomfortable bc 1) i didn't ask for or consent to it; 2) a lot of the comments are phrased in a way that focuses only on what the person saying it wants, as if the other is an object or tool for their enjoyment. i don't like hearing this bc it makes me feel like not being treated as a person.

sexualization in media is a complicated topic, and one that i try to avoid bc it's too easy for me to get uncomfortable and/or into an argument that i don't want to have. i was definitely affected growing up by sexualization/objectification in media and the objectifying comments that are made in reaction to it, and i still struggle today with feeling like a person in my own body because of it. yet i can't be too critical of the content bc i also draw "idealized" characters and fall for these characters bc they're designed to be so cute/pretty.

im uncomfortable with a lot of things about this show, and yet if it hadn't been exactly the way that it is, i don't think i would have been able to express personal/intimate thoughts and feelings and find connection over them. i was a (young) adult when i found the show, yet in a way it allowed me to make sense of growing up and/or almost have a high school experience that i didn't get to have (due to bullying and isolation irl). at the end of the day, all i can do is ask that people be respectful of my wishes when they interact directly with me. ive been grateful to find that most people are glad to do this. consent and boundaries are how it should be.

(i also love that akoya is allowed to just LIKE pretty things without being put down or made fun of for it T.T the way that aNYTHING considered "feminine" is often considered "shallow" or "silly" or boys aren't "allowed" to like it is so. limiting. and made me feel bad for a lot of things when i was younger)

[cocoartistwrites]

sooooo my dad is a white man and my mom is an asian. they have 11 years age gap. recently i found out that my dad purposely go my mom’s country to find a wife and he was practically grooming her bcs he met her when she was 17 and married her when she turned 19. ntm she came from a poor family and an orphan.

throughout my life i never asked my parents about how they met because i was a very tomboy girl who doesn’t like romance thing. now that im older and somehow my fyp has this asian woman-white man discourse that will not go away.

realizing this make me feel sick tbh. i wanna hate my dad but at the same time he treated her so well and she loves him. i think he loves her more because she is so spoiled by him. i used to look at them and think that they are couple goals. but now i have this mixed sickening feeling.

i can’t talk to my dad about this but i’m harboring this resentment towards him. and i find myself hugging my mom more and crying. she has a very good life here. i know and i’m aware we have so many privileges. my mom did get her bachelor’s degree and got a job here.

my mom is so kind, so so so so smart, so beautiful and clever and absolutely the best person in the world. sometimes i wonder if she never got married young what would happen to her? i know she will be the coolest and most compassionate woman. i know she will have amazing career like marine biologist or something awesome.

i have the urge to protect her even though my dad is not threatening and kind actually. but i resent him for taking away her youth.

i just don’t know how to behave when he’s around. he noticed i’m getting distant but i said it’s because of homeworks. help pls

This is a really tough one isn’t it. I don’t think you can be angry at your mum’s imagined lost future, firstly. She was young but she made a choice that she has chosen to stick with all her life, she went to university, she got a job, she found her own way out of poverty, she had you - she’s happy. Yes she was very young, but also it seems like this has worked for them. If she hadn’t married him she might have actually been worse off. Sure she might have done something cooler but did she want to? If she was living in poverty and an orphan I am sure her youth and childhood was taken from her very early. She would probably have been forced to grow up very young.

I think you really need to talk to her about it. You’re angry at shadows and based on current internet discourse and not on real people and you’re not being fair to your mum because you’re deciding how to feel for her, as if she somehow can’t make her own decisions.

As for your dad: one of the tough bits about growing up is that we have to learn to accept our parents as humans. The way you’ve presented what he did is uncomfortable. You haven’t spoken to him about it and you’re holding it up against a 2023 conversation so I don’t know what exactly happened between them. 11 years is a lot. I think you need to talk to your mum, really listen to her, then at some point talk to your dad. But not like presenting him with a load of internet discourse. Listen to him and see him in his own context and story and as a person.

I used to fight with my dad based on online discourse about feminism etc and it was incredibly freeing to realise that he doesn’t have to keep up with that, that he’s lived most of his life and lived it as a good and kind man and if he’s not perfect that’s fine. I love him so much and I’m so sad I had those fights with him because they weren’t fair and they were coming from my own anxieties and anger about the world. I don’t want you to do that because I think you’ll regret it. I know you probably have a burning sense of injustice but you need to think about whether that’s more important than your family being happy together.

When people say families are tough this is what they mean. But I do really urge you not to judge your parents too quickly. Your dad loves you very much, what good will it do to be angry about something you don’t really know anything about? You’re just going to hurt him and probably put your mum in the middle and hurt her too. But don’t bury this anxiety either! Talk to your mum. Just be really honest with her that you worry about white men and Asian women and their story sounded like maybe she’d got married too young and will she tell you more about it. Get to know her as a friend as well as a mother as you get older.

Sending you lots of love.