#like ill do it no matter how long it takes but damn . its gonna take a lot of movies

[megatron]

does anyone have advice/experience removing matting from hair with as little damage as possible

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[d3stinyist1red]

out of everyone on yandere town, yan cowboy is definitely my favourite <3

YESSS IKR HES SO CUTESYY

yan cowboy who wants you to ride him badly

yan cowboy who first meets you when you stumble upon his farm, literally the cows were gonna jump ur ass until he popped up

"hey there, sweets! What'cha doin' around here?" He asks, looking at you with a tilted head as he pat the cow's head. "U-uh, sorry i just-" you got interrupted by the cowboy laughing at ya.

"ma, why do you seem so nervous? It's alright!" He said grinning down at you, he wraps an arm around your shoulder and introduces himself.

yan cowboy who is now ur buddy, talking to you every second of his fucking day like damn lil bro chill

yan cowboy who you began seeing everyday, coincidences piling up. No matter where you went, he was there, lingering just at the edge of your vision.

yan cowboy who wants you to ride with him and his horse everyday, holding onto your waist as he leads the horse on where to go, your back to his front, slowly rubbing himself against you.

yan cowboy who is a possessive and jealous freak. Any interaction you have with others, specifically other men, makes his jaw clench and his eyes narrow. He might not say anything at first, but you’ll notice how quiet he has gotten.

yan cowboy who confronts you about the man you were hanging out with earliar

"Hey darlin', what was that man tellin' you? Why were you talkin' to him? Do you think hes better than me? Sweets, im sorry. Darlin' lets talk about this, okay?"

"boy i literally just asked him wheres the nearest wingstop"

"why? are you hungry? Because I have some meat for you could eat-"

yan cowboy who makes you the center of his world, if you dont talk to him hes GONNA AND WILL have a bad day, grumpy and pissed off until you talk to him

yan cowboy who has a garden his mother owns, and always gives you flowers, your favorite ones

yan cowboy who literally every woman wants bc hes fine asf, strong, and BRO HES SWEET TOO LIKE HELLO??? but he only needs you. Whenever hes talking with another woman, he always drifts his eyes away from her to try to find you, not paying attention to whatever the woman was saying

yan cowboy who literallys gets so hard whenever he sees you bend down to get some strawberries you planted, already knowing he was gonna fist himself inside his car

yan cowboy who always gives you handwritten notes

"hello n/n! I might not be able to see you today because of my mother telling me ive been slacking off since ive been leaving early from farming. But darling, you know I can't stay away from you for so long! I need to see you! Anyway baby, I left you some cash, treat yourself, aight babes? - Your lovely cowboy <3"

yan cowboy who sees you growing some plants in the hot sun and immediatly panics, he runs over to you with an umbrella. A UMBRELLA BRO

"darlin'! Its so hot out here for you to be outside! Come inside, love!"

"bro ive only been outside for 3 minutes"

"3 minutes too long! Now cmon and rest! Ill do the work, lovely!"

yan cowboy who helps you when you barely started growing plants and stuff, guiding you with his hands ontop of yours, his chin on your shoulder.

yan cowboy who sees you carrying a heavy bale of hay, and immediately scolds you

You wipe the sweat from your brow as you lift the bale of hay, determined to carry your weight on the farm. Your cowboy always helps you with everything like bro i could be independent too hoe. You’ve seen him do this like a thousand times, and you’re confident you can handle it too bc ur a bad bitch period

But before you can take more than a few steps, a shadow falls over you, and you feel a firm hand on your arm. You glance up, and lowkey you were scared it was gonna be schoolboy69 lowkey but nah their infront of you was your cowboy, eyes narrowed in a mix of worry and frustration. He was practically glaring at you, mad that you picked up something without his help, even if you picked up something as heavy as a bag of cookies he would be mad and see red like alpha dawg sigma 4000

“What do you think you’re doin’, darlin’?” His voice is low, but you still heard the irritation in his voice.

“I’m just helping out,” you say, trying to brush it off as no big deal. “It’s just a bale of hay, I'll can handle it.” You said shrugging, about to walk past him until you felt the heavy hay get off your shoulders in a quick manner.

that lil bitch took the hay and walked away but not before blowing u a kiss and saying "i love u n/n, get ready for tonight bc imma need u to blow my back OUT-"

yan cowboy who always is complimenting you, doesnt even matter if your in ur christmas pjs from 2016 he will say "id lowkey eat you out in that"

yan cowboy who is ur obsessed boy who luvs you more than he should<3

yan cowboy who is ur such cowboy who couldnt be more lucky to have you with him! <333

GUYS IM BACK FROM THE DEAD BITCHESSS

GUYS YALL COULD SEND REQUESTS BUT ITS GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BIT BC IM STILL WORKING ON OTHER DRAFTS LIKE THESE

GUYS WHO HAS YAN WINDERBREAKER MANHWA BOOKS PLS I NEED JAY JO AND OWEN

[gatorbites-imagines]

Hello! First of all I wanted to say that damn I love your fics, they give me so much gender euphoria and are so validating. Second, I understand if you feel unconfortable with this request but how do you think Homelander would react to reader's self harm scars? Since he's basically a god, I wouldn't be suprised by how a "fragile little creature" like a human could do this and why.

John Gillman/Homelander x male reader

Headcanons

idk why i chose this gif, he just looks so cute here.

I ignore how in canon hed probably be a horrible guy about it. I am a firm fanon believer.

In the beginning I don’t even really think John would register that his lover has self-harm scars, since it’s never something he’s thought about himself. I imagine he’s had self-harming thoughts before sure, but never cutting himself since nothing can cut through him.

Hes probably tried to hurt himself one way or another, since he isn’t really the best place mentally, or when he thinks he isn’t doing good enough and whatnot.

But at first it doesn’t really click for him, since he’s so unused to seeing scars since he has none himself. It would probably take John longer than he would like to admit for it all to make sense, and it would be after you got comfortable enough to go around in short sleeves.

Maybe you think he’s just always known, since he’s got x-ray vision and all that, so he must have known from the beginning, right? And he just never said anything about it. yeah, not really.

He will act like that’s how it all went, because there’s no way Johns gonna admit that he didn’t notice something so important, no matter if they are old or fresh. If they’re fresh, John would build a habit of checking on you every time he sees you, just in case, you know?

He might still do this, even if they are old and you haven’t done it in a long time. Because who knows, maybe things become so stressful that you need that outlet again.

Shamefully, to John at least, the hero would find himself going online to check it out. Hes got no training in mental illness or how to deal with that, which messes with him since he’s supposed to be perfect.

So he finds himself on different forums, from both people who have done it, and partners of people who have self-harmed, reading into how they deal with it or react. John being, well, John, would probably grow annoyed because its all types of emotionally vulnerable stuff, something he’s horrible at.

There is also little chance he would bring it up, at least in the beginning. Again, because it’s a new ground he’s never been on, and its an emotional conversation he can’t figure out how to navigate.

The conversation would end up coming up as you two are cuddling, and John finds himself carefully stroking the area with the scars, trying to comprehend why and how you would do that. What did you go through? There might also be some guilt, since he couldn’t save you from whatever made you self-harm, even if you guys didn’t even know each other at the time.

It would end up with you explaining it to him, since you guys are in a relationship and its all built on trust, right? And he’s been so chill about it this entire time, so why not tell him.

You almost get a heart attack when he starts getting glossy eyes and his bottom lip wobbles just a little, because John has been stressed about this since he figured it out, and he just doesn’t know how to react or what to do.

In the end its you that has to comfort him, and explain that it isn’t a big deal and nothing to cry about. But you also know it’s a new experience for John. Theres also some fear in John, since seeing your scars make your morality so clear. If you could get scars from that, imagine what others could do to you.

After some cuddling and comforting, John would tell you strictly to never do it again. You cant take him seriously though, since his usually styled hair is all mused and his eyes are pink around the edges, and, he’s pouting again.

You promise not too though, since it gets him to smile a little and cuddle you again, clinging to you as hard as he dares with his super strength. You make him vulnerable, and the Homelander part of him doesn’t like that, but the John part of him basks in it, at how human you make him feel.

Maybe hed even let slip that he had thoughts like that too, even if he couldn’t cut or burn himself like you could. That just means his self-harm shone through in more mental or extreme ways.

John builds a habit of brushing his fingers or kisses over your scars, not just the self-harm ones, but all of them. Its part to remind himself that you are so fragile, but also to remind him that you are alive and there with him.

He won’t admit this though, since its cheesy. And he grows embarrassed if you ever bring it up, making him grumble and walk away to pout. It never lasts, and he’s back not long after.

[linadove]

my experience with shifting for the first time

hey shifters today ill be talking about my first shift to the obx on the 13th of June 2023

before the shift

I had made some tiktoks on how I'm gonna shift and how easy it is to shift, it really motivated me to make those tiktoks because I was putting the energy out as if I am exactly what I say i am, so as i finish the tiktoks ,I was just fed up with shifting because I had so much motivation and knowing that I can shift, I knew I had to really get into it that night because i did not want the same outcome i get all the damn time and so i decided to take matters into my own hands (the first time I angrily went to shift) i was like "fuck this ,its time to shift, no bullshit anymore ,I'm not going to sleep until i shift", i decided to use the Julia method and no i did not use a guided meditation for this attempt because i wanted pure silence, i was never the type to use subliminals or guided meditations to shift because i found it too distracting (the only time i would use a guided meditation is if i "forgot" how to shift if i haven't attempted to shift in a while or i was just going into a shift not knowing exactly what to do) so, i was doing the Julia method and i kept affirming and counting and i basically repeated the method until i shifted, i would keep my emotions strong, the one affirmation that i do remember using was "i don't care how long it takes i will get to my outerbanks reality tonight" and so 2-3 hours pass by and i get sleepy and then i get to a point where my body is asleep and my mind is awake, i keep carrying on with my method and i suddenly hear john b and jj talking, at first i thought it was something coming from my phone but i remembered i didn't leave my phone on with anything in the background, so that's when i realised im shifting and i started to figure out what they were saying because it was really muffled and i tried my hardest to listen and then suddenly i shifted, it felt like my eyes closed again and once i opened my eyes I WAS IN MY DR, IN MY DR BED.

MY DR EXPERIENCE

When i opened my eyes in my dr i saw my room and the realisation didn't come in fast i was just kinda out of it at first, so i wasn't really understanding anything but then i see my suitcase on the floor and the clothes from the suitcase was all over the floor and i thought to myself "who made this mess?" and i quickly realised that it was me ,I made that mess (crying 😭) i kept looking down at the clothes trying to process everything but then i realised i shifted to MY DR. (guys please ik it took me a while to realise, but my mind was just soo blank) i thought to myself "wait if I'm in my dr that means my friends are outside exactly where i scripted them to be" (i was just a curious cat, since this was my first shift i wanted to see if everything everyone that talked about scripting was real, if everything i scripted was exactly in place) and so i go towards the door and i open it , i go towards the living room in john b's house and as SOOONNN as i see my friends around the table i got hit of realism, i saw them right there sitting and talking to each other, i saw how normal it all was and it just blew my mind that anxiety started forming and i started having a bomb in my head, thoughts coming left and right, not getting to fully focus on anything cause i was so freaked out, (i probably looked so stupid to them) so yeah i stood there at the entrance to the living room and stared at them. (now guys this wasn't my best move but it'll only get more cringe from here..) john b says "hey" and the others all look at me and i just stare at them for a few seconds cause im here out of my mind shook not knowing what to do (i also didn't really script much for my first day there) so i say "hi" and they all look at me like i should say something more (HELP) i was soooooooooooo awkwardddd, and i ofc say "hi" again (please im crying i cant carry on like this) , john b says "hey.." again and i then try to pull myself together and i ask if i could go get myself a bottled water and he says "sure" and i turn right and walk a little until they cant see my face and before i got to the kitchen i did reality checks and i wasn't able to summon anything, i wasn't able to put my finger through my palm or breathe through my nose when i blocked it, and thats when i realised like "damn this is it, im really here", so i carry on to the kitchen to get myself a water from the fridge, (im not american so i did a little oopsie) i opened the top part of the fridge not realising it was the freezer and i close it and open the bottom one and i take a bottle from the side of the fridge door, i drink the water and i feel the water go down my throat and it was really cool, and so i close the bottle and i go towards the living room again cause i thought i could handle a conversation, so im standing now in front of the table and you wouldn't guess what i said... "hello" (im done fr) and then sarah, pope and john b say "hi" and im there not being able to focus on trying to really come up with something to say but i couldnt, i just felt really out of it still (i should've just gone back to my room or at least stayed there until i was ready smh) and i also scripted that jj wouldn't be in the living room when i first get there cause i wanna have a few mins to myself before i see the love of my life, but i also did script that "once we say our hi and hellos, jj would come into the living room" which was the worst thing i ever scripted cause i fear that i may have put myself up for failure when i said "hi and hellos" anyways.. jj comes into the living and leans agasint the doorframe and says "hey" and i look over at him shook, (thats my literal baeeee) i walk over to him and i look at him in awe, he then says "you wanna go to the marsh with us?" (just like i scripted) and i say "no i cant right now" (cause lets be honest, me going out to the marsh with everyone on the hms would be the worst thing since i cant even think straight cause im so flabbergasted, i have no idea how a lot of shifters keep their cool...)

ill post a part 2!!

[daisey14]

now mega. before i chop you up into my carry on luggage, im going to torture the living shite outta you<3 i've been waiting for this moment for such a long time! and wouldn't you know it you're finally mine if you're hurting please show it don't be fraid to cry, and just for my enjoyment you will suffer! suffer!! suffer!!! until you die. so sit back relax and enjoy the show! ive quite the evening plaannnedd ive cleared up your schedule nowhere else to go, trust me you're in good haaaaaaaands!! why don't you just kill me already? can't you see⠀⠀how much i enjoy this, id never avoid this, cause buddy im a different breed! this is my calling and though its appalling i love making people bleeeeeeeeeed! im a master of torture it gets me igh to show you the horror of staying alive ! ill prod ya and poke ya and bleed you dry! and just for my enjoyment you will suffer! suffer!! suffer!!! until you die. i once was a spyyy but i won't be a spy agaainnn!!!! at least i tried tried to fight till the end!!! but i cant deny that im gonna diiiieeeee (SUFFER SUFFER UNTIL YOU DIE) ABANDONED BETRAYED ME THAT BASTARD LIED THAT NAZI HE PLAYED ME I TRUSTED HIM WHYYYYY IS MEGA MY ENEMY DO I LET HIM DIIIIEEEE IVE GOT TO THINK ABOUT MY FAMILY CAUSE NO ONES LOOKING OUT FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT I GUESS WE'LL SEE IF ONCE A SPY ALWAYS A SPY FOREVER!!! FOREVER!!!!! (SUFFER! SUFFER!) THE WARMEST HELLO TO THE COLDEST GOODBYE REMEMBER (SURRENDER!) REMEMBER (NEVER!) SPIES NEVER DIE............ (ITS TIME TO DIE) (I ONCE WAS A SPY!!!) SPIES ARE FOREVEVEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ive been waiting for this moment for such a long time / a spy is a spy and i once was a spy, FOREVEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR and wouldn't you know it you're finally mine / im gonna be a spy again OOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOH if you're hurting please show it don't be fraid to cry / thought i could say goodbye but i won't lie and just for my enjoyment you will suffer, suffer / i wanna be a spy again im a master of torture it gets me high / spy again its who i am!! to show you the horror of staying alive / doesn't even matter if i killed my best friend!! try again try NOT TO DIE (TIME TO DIE!!!) ive been waiting so damn long for this!! it's not supposed to go like this!! so this is how the story ENNNDDDSSSS take THIS what are you doing! saving you! i don't need your help! i don't need anyone's help! WHATS YOUR DAMAGE MAN????? come on curt let's get goiingg ...owen? SPIES ARE FOREVER FOREVEVRR SPIES ARE FOREVER!! FOREEEVVEERRRRR !!!

[fanficfanatic000]

Eddie Munson x fem reader scary how I hate you

Eddie Munson x fem Warning Enemies to lovers Bullying. Chrissy mean girl. Halloween party halloween themed 18+ part 2

:scary how i hate you :

4 days have passed And all you could think about is the party and eddie munson.. it's stupid how he hates me but I still have feelings for him but I guess I'm dumb. ugghh! You put on the costume and drip fake blood from your red lipsticked lips damn its time for the party Robin is gonna Pick me up.

In the car

"Soo you sure you want to go to this party because if no then you and me can go watch a movie." "Yeah i told steve that ill be there so ill be there" "even if eddie and Chrissy will be there?" "Yes even if"

The party

Me and Robin got out of the car and " I'm guessing we walk the rest of the way in" "yeah i guess we do " You walk through the woods crunchy leafs and all no signs of anyone "y/n maybe we should head back." "No just let me listen…" You heard a crunch of leafs from behind you. And you turn only to see the two people you hate most eddie and Chrissy. "Fuck" you whispered then you look at Robin she gives you a look of sorry they're even here. Eddie sees you in your costume and red lipstick "wow i-i" Chrissy interrupts "y/n you look dumb.. " You roll your eyes and kept walking until you came apon a cabin Steve's parents cabin with a pool you walk to the door and knocked twice . Steve answers "Hey guys cmon in." You walk in to music in the background playing a couple making out in the hall and beer pong Robin:"im gonna go get some punch " she walks over to the punch bowl to Nancy wheeler her crush . You sit on the couch already feeling like a outsider then he sat next to you eddie munson in a demon costume while Chrissy is an angel Well I guess when you only bully one person it makes sense "Heyy" he says a small smirk on his face "Hi eddie" "remember when we almost became Freinds" you were surprised he even mentioned it. "Yeah i do how could i forget it " "you know I wish you didn't hate me." "What do you mean .you hate me…." "whatever…want some punch your friend is taking a little.. long" "yeah i-i actually do " he walks away to get punch and Chrissy approaches him grabs the cup of red punch and pours it on you "heres your punch" that's when you finally had it you cried and ran away upstairs to the bathroom you closed the door and fell to the floor crying about everything it finally just all fell out mascara running down your face.

Down stairs Eddie:"Chrissy what did you do " Chrissy:"i gave her punch " Eddie:"your unbelievable and i wanna know did y/n really say that i was a freak and she hated me or was it lies" Chrissy:"i-it was the truth no matter what she says shes the lier" Eddie" shes not though is she " Chrissy looks at the floor Eddie thinks to himself I have to try to fix this

Mascara running down your face until you heard a knock then he let himself in It's eddie "y/n" "what WHAT do you want to be my friend make me fall for you then just ignore me and be angry at me and not even tell me whats wrong then breaks my heart even more by getting with Chrissy..and continues to pop into my life and remind me of what i lost…" tears streaming down your chin and eyes as you explain he doesn't say anything except closed and locked the door and sat down in front of you "i-im so sorry y/n i just want to give you an awnser of why….chrissy told me that you called me a freak and hated me and it made me think how could a girl like you ever like me so i ran and im so sorry for making you hurt but i dont hate you never could." Eddie grabs a toilet paper and wipes the mascara off your face "y/n can I drive you home?" "Yeah.." the metal headed boy walked you to his van opened the door and drove you home. "We're here." "Eddie" "hmm?" "I-i love you " He smiled took a breath "i love you " You leaned towards him slowly then he grabbed you and pulled you close into a kiss. "Will you be my girlfriend?" "Yes"

A day later You and eddie made it official Chrissy hates it and you got payback by turning the school sprinklers ha You and eddie are happier then ever And Robin got with Nancy last night

[richardsgraysons]

not sure if ure still doing the match thing but heres mine!

- i'm asian, about 5'3, dark eyes but my hair is usually coloured? so far i've done purple and silver highlights

- i have quite a few piercings on my ears and i'm looking to get more, as well as tattoos. i usually accessorize a lot

- i play and train in badminton, and people usually expect me to be an athlete but i was a band kid LMAO i only got into sports in my recent years

- i'm infj-t if that helps w anything. i recently started coming out of my shell a little bc of school, i'm usually friendlier towards girls than i am towards guys. i can keep convos going but i have a really short-lived social batt. i've been told i have a strong RBF

- i only have a few people in my circle i let myself be comfortable with (it takes a damn long time to get there). with them i'm honest (ill tell them when theyre the problem), playful, dish out advice if they want it, fiercely protective, empathetic but my patience can wear thin sometimes esp if i'm in a bad mood or they do smth stupid repeatedly in which i turn very sarcastic

- i insult my loved ones a lot but i make it clear its a joke, i just find it hard to say lovey dovey stuff like that but i do when the occasion needs it

- also i have a really bad dating history so i can be pretty damn avoidant when it comes to romance. also i've never dated a man before (only dated girls), they never made it past the talking stage so do w that what u will

DAMIAN WAYNE

you and damian are so similar in the way that you aren't very showing of your love. this man is also hella avoidant of romance so you best believe that you're gonna have a looongg slowburn before anything actually happens

damian would not be scared of your RBF, no matter how terrifying you look. this man was an assassin at like age 5, nothing except dick being sad scares him anymore

he'd also want someone more active, so he'd def appreciate you being more athletic than most. but we all know. he likes a well-rounded individual so being a bandkid def helps

TATTOOOS <33 op you're living my dream. damian would take his time to memorize each one. when he's bored, he'd just train the outline of his favorite tattoo so much that it's ingrained in his memory

honesty is always.the best policy for damian. in my personal opinion, out of all the batboys, damian appreciates honesty the most as his mommy did manipulate him for the first like eight years of his life

short social batt? no problem! so does damian. still working on his people skills, so it'll always be relaxing just to hang out with you at the end of every day

also damian does not do stupid shit so you'd best believe that you'll hardly get pissed at him (unless he does something stupid as the bat, and then then he'll need a verbal slap on the face)

[imraespace]

HELLOHIHIHIIRIHI dailt checkin but ‼️i yapped very hard again …‼️

i realize how long its gonna acc take to do my hair bc i have to bleach my hair and then color and then get home and then such and such and i have a poster to make for graphic designer UUGUGGHHH AM I GONAN FINISH THIS TODAY I JOPE I DO BC I HAVE HISTORY HOMEWORK TO DO 💔💔

shes like about to bleach my hair rn and like ugh im lowk so pissed bc idk how well i can actually clutch up on this poster esp bc i know i probably dont wven have a chance ☹️☹️ whatever i guess idk …

TODAYINSHCOOL WE WENT TO… church STOP we walked for like 20 mins to the church and then mass and then 20 mins back to school just in time for second period i wanted to miss a little bit of p2 but its okay bc at least i got my steps in fr

in the middle of second period i just started scrolling on my phone and i found bllk figures AND I WANTED TO PAY FOR IT LIKE IMMEDIATELY SO I WAS TEXTING MY MOM BEING LIKE “MOTHER MOMAY MOMMY MAMA CAN I BUY PLS” AND SHE WAS LIKE ok go buy do u have ur card?? and iwas like .. no..! BUT THERES APPLE PAY!! and when i clicked apple pay it legit switched my currency to damn euros??? HELLO?? it was like 10.55?? in cad and then it was 7.01 in euros and its around the same but it said the euros was = 10.72 cad like hello why did u add more cents.. LIKE OKAY ITS CENTS IT DOESNT MATTER BUT STILL MONEY IS MONEY MY MOM DIDNT JUST WORK FOR 8 HOURS FOR ME TO ADD MORE CENTS TO MY PURCHASE 👿 so i havent bought it yet i was planning to buy it once i got home but i ended up getting distracted and eating cereal it was delicious but i finished up all my milk so i kinda want more

FOR MY COOKING CLASS I MADE COOKIE BATTER 😈😈 i ended ip eating the cookie dough and uh lets just say i hipe i dotn get salmonella with the amount of cookie dough i ate … LIKE I SWEAR I ATE MORE COOKIE DOUGH THAN ANYONE ELSE IN MY CLASS HELP LIKE OOPS I GOT A LIL HUNGRY THERE GUYS..

umumum my old friends made this science club and its kinda run by the guy that i used to like (the one that forced me to confess but ill legit just call him lead while telling stories ab him now so #newsidecharacter!! HELP ME) and like im honestly surprised they made a club but also im just like tf is a science club.. like im a chem person so thats why im like omg science club but also omg science club 🤢🤮 BECAUSE WHAT I THOUGHT CLUBS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MORE FUN UGGGHHHH whatever im not joining even if during the summer he legit wanted me join so im surprised he hasnt said anything to me but then again im the one who stopped talking to him i cant really expect much and i lowk hope he #stays seven feet away from me #covid #lockdown because i dont want his goofy ahh haircut near me i see him in my fourth period always staring at me …. maybe its a coincidence and hes actually looking at his friend who sits beside me and i swear theyre like #inlove #slowburn #enemiestolovers bc WHY DO THEY GIGGLE AROUND EACH OTHER SM AND THEYRE ALWAYS NEAR EACH OTHER AND U COULD SEE IN THEIR EYES THEYRE LIKE 🤞🤞🤞 YKWIM. but then again thats what everyone said to me about him bc everyone thought he liked me bc of how he looked at me + how he talked to me bc it was “softer” but no he saw me as his best friend who he will get along with for the rest of highschool…!!!!! (he is NOT getting that wish he did me so dirty) like listen i get it i was really close to you and if you just let me confess to you ON MY OWN DECISION then maybe i wouldve still been talking to you and maybe if he also just had more of a personality other than school and his damn guitars like ho no one cares shut up about your damn guitar collection i dont see u caring about my manga and stuffed animal collection..

OHYEAH THAT REMINDS ME LAST YEAR WHILE I WAS HANGING OUT AFTERSCHOOL W HIM CUZ HE WAS WAITING FOR HIS DAD TO COME PICK HIM UP (i stayed afterschool just so he wasnt alone btw i had no reason to be waiting bc my parents cannot pick me up i take THE DAMN BUS) and he randomly blurted out “i dont really like anime…” like bro what do you think i care if you dont??? I REALLT DIDNT UNTIL HE SAID THAT CUZ WHY WOULD YOU RANDOMLY SAY YOU DONT LIKE ANIME LIKE OKAY AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE ????? I STILL THINK ABOUT IT TO THIS DAY BC IT WAS SO RANDOM WE WERE LEGIT TALKING ABOUT ARCTIC MONKEYS AND RELIGION PROJECTS?? like imagine being like “yes so i love arctic monkeys and that one song called-“ “I Hate Anime.” HELP?? LIKE WAS IT WVER THAT DEEP LIKE MAYBE BC I LIKE ANIME A LOT THEN THAYS WHY HE SAID IT LIKE IT WASNA CRIME TO NOT LIKE ANIME but then agajn who am i to judge what someone dislikes

ohyes on the topic of him and how i said id be calling him lead i wanna say the lore of the actual code name HELP i sure damn hope no one from my school/friends know your blog or use tumblr or else theyll probably know who i am but im gonna bet on the fact that they think tumblr is grindr and they dont know anyone here

his code name is (or was??? bc i kinda just refer to his actual name irl) pb which is obv the symbol for lead/plumbum BUT IT TURNED INTO PB BC ID CALL HIM POOKIE BEAR HELP i cant even look at pookie bear the name because of that or pb anymore… like i kinda ruined the element for myself bc plumbum is such a funny name and then i just remember his goofy face ….. LIKE LEGIT WE HAD A LESSON ON SOME RANDOM ELEMENTS AND MY TEACHER WENT ON A WHOLE RANT ABOUT LEAD LIKE HELLO PLEASE STOP I AM HALLUCINATING HIS FACE ATP (okay bachira..) BUT NOW IM SCared for all the future crushes ill get in the future bc what if i end up ruining THE ENIRE PERIODIC TABLE FOR MYSELF LIKE OBVIOUSLY I WONT GET THAT MANY CRUSHES BUT LIKE YOU GET WHAT I MEAN. i mean i already hate chem at this point im fighting my teacher over naming systems and how i legit barely get it because theres so many things to memorize UGH

OKAY DAILT AUESITON TIME BC I JUST YAPPED MY HEART OUT STOP

umumumum which bllk character would have a s/o and make petnames for them but it would be the most cringe code names ever like ummmmm my wittle smoochie smoochie poopoo bear my little pumpkin pie seasoning the toilet to my toilet paper type of thing HELPME

- 🐙

HAII OMGOODNESS THIS IS SO LONG HELPME IM SORRY I DIDNT READ IR YESTERDAY I fell asleep as soon as I got home then spent the night revising for my spanish test which I'm scared for..

SO MUCH YOU HAVE TO DO DANG GIRL DO YOU EVER GET A BREAK? HISTORY?? I hate history

HELP I REMEMBERED WHEN I USED TO GO TO CHURCH IN PRIMARU SCHOOL it was a roman catholic school and the church was literally across the road BUT IN THE CITY THERES ALWAYS LIKE HOMELESS PPL SO EVERYTIME WE CROSSED TO GO OVER TO THE CHURCH THEY ALWAYS STARED AT US now my high school isn't roman catholic it's not even religious.. we do pray tho but not like my old school but I have my rosary in my bag all the time aha!

20 minute walk dang😨 I'm sure jesus is delighted to see yall attend mass HELP

IM GIGGLING they just wanna be extra with the cents!! money grabbers fr...

OMG COOKIES I WANNA MAKE COOKIES I've never before the most I ever made is oreo cheesecake but not the baking kind it was the chilled one

PMAO when I was younger I used to just eat dough idk why.. like when my mommy was making pizza or sada(it's a flat bread I believe its an indian dish but it's common here and it yummy its like a side dish)

omg a science club sounds fun honestly but I don't do science! I say take over the club and become the owner you're better than those side characters

HELP THE HASHTAGS #6ftaway #covidcore ig he stares at you again I'll call my pigeons to pick his eyes out

HELP INLOVE

omg he friend zone you.. I did that once HELP but🤫🤫

HELPME IM GIGFLING he's an oddball fr.. that's like me remaining a random joke that happened 3 weeks ago and start laughing in the middle of a conversation

POOKIE.. BEAR..😨 I saw pb ans thought if peanutbutter help BUT POOKIE BEAR GIRL

HELP bachira core fr...

LMAO THATS WHY I DIDNT GIVE MY CRUSH A CODE NAME my friends just said "mara look your bae!" and I'm LIKE SHADAUP? he's ugly tho idk what I saw I think it was the Christmas spirit that blinded me that year

I LOVE THE YAPPING EVEN THO MY RESPONSES ARE SO SHORT HELP

HELPMEE THE NICKNAMES THE RIGHT THING TO SAY IS SHIDOU I WANNA BE DIFFERENT AND SAY ARYU IDK WHY

[mayssa-m]

i done figured out what I wanna do in my life and what my life will look like, it might look like I got no plans but I really know what I’m doing. I nose-dived several times education-wise n that’s really odd of me cus I was known to be the biggest nerd in my class n that reputation completely faded away n I can’t really blame myself as I got distractions of another life with a completely different lane n it’s hard to balance between, my mom just had a talk w me and this time I’ll do it not for myself but my mom n that other life I wanna live cus i always promised myself no matter what I’ll never give up on school n the results by my attitude towards it is the perfect route for someone removing school from his/her life, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. It’s gonna be harder for me than others whether it’s people only being focused on school n doing really good or someone else in the field I’l distracted by doing really good in it to, in my case the harder part is gonna be balancing in order to succeed in both, it’s gonna be really challenging but I know it’ll pay off 2 years from here n theres nothing to worry about as I talk everyday about how fast time goes so those two hears will go in a blink of an eye n ill look back n be like damn. I’m ready for this 2 year journey as at the end of them I’ll get double rewarded, two different types of rewards from each side, I learned a lot from the previous mistakes I’ve made and this time I just wanna do really well and bounce back just imagine me being a nerd again my family being really proud of me along with myself n doing also well in my other plan like bro what could be any better than that n then 2 years from now I’d get my results n graduate imagine just that is enough as my life is completely shifting I’m leaving my home country n gonna open this new chapter of my life that’s what Ive been dreaming of for soo long just living by myself in another country yes my family is gonna be away but what ive always wanted since idk what age was me living in my own appartment in a different country i also planned w my cousin we’d have a mansion each or split one and have expensive cars (part2 ill take about it later) n then I’d visit my parents and give them gifts and money n them just being genuinely happy with who they’ve raised and finally all their hard work paying off cuz im telling you it wasn’t easy for my parents especially now we’re prolly at our worst financially n whats giving me hope is not only that they always end up figuring it out but that im the oldest meaning id be the first to show them that what theyve done was worth it (+my second plan on the side) one of my goals also is getting a scholarship so that i wont have to make them pay much and something i also thought of was them not even paying for me i want by the age of 18 to be able to pay for college, car, clothes, food, airplane tickets, etc just anything for myself n i know ill do it BRO i wanna make them so happy you wont even understand n they dont even know the millionth of how grateful i am of having them or just anything they do, i see it trust i just dont show ut in case i look ungrateful to them, its not that i dont hug kiss n say i love you that i dont mean to say it its just all in my head i keep rushing myself in my head to be even harder on myself n makes things go faster, they’ll never ever even expect the quarter of what im about to do

I wanna come back n read this whenever i feel like i cant do it nomore cus i know there will be a lot of downs, school really isnt easy when youre aiming to be the best at it (to aim high)

my parents always taught me to aim higher n i still got this habit where i overestimate what i can do n dont end up being consistent so i end up being disappointed

n i know it might sound weird n unusual but something thatll keep you going youre not getting there by being in your room 24/7 just doing school stuff, you need to go out, do activities, go out with your friends or family members, spend time with family, just basically going out n not always working in the same environment n you will enjoy it better than being all by yourself studying in the same environment, its really all about balance and organization, n thats what ill do n first step would be to start sleeping earlier and wake up early in order to have better quality of sleep for a better performance the next day and a longer day in order to be able to do as much as possible thats all i gotta do for now

28.08.2024 it’ll really all be done by like june-july 2026 it’s crazy

[kristiliqua]

i have been constantly thinking about the damn taz au recently im so ill man

i want to talk about it . so bad . like aaaaaaaa i have some specific bits that i really love but dont wanna spoil at all but RHRHRRRRHHGH FUCK !!!!! i just .,, taz!tallulah . thats it . thats all im saying . i love her :(

also i originally made scott smajor be leon the gachapon guy , but i am now making him be badboyhalo . because Fuck scott smajor ^_^ i am not having a weirdo like him in my au lmao (also bbh is just perf for leon)

also man oh man half the fun for this au for me is simply coming up with chapter titles . ive made it a thing where they have to be srs and rhyme with another bit (thatll go in the ch summary) and boyyy oh boy r they fun to hatch out :D i’ll give u all one just for fun — one that easily comes to mind is “trust or forsake, which will you take? (an eye, an ability, or a life at stake?)” :3 yippee (there are so many chapter titles on god . its a miracle that i actually enjoy coming up with them or else i’d be fucked LMFAO)

also taz!missa is a thing now too . a minor character , but he’s there . bc i said so :)) (taz!deathduo is real btw ur welcome)

man can you tell i really just wanna ramble and gush abt this au . bc i really just wanna ramble and gush abt this au ,,, i love it like it is my baby and i will cherish it forever

frowny face . i want to post Something for this au on ao3 already (i have so many snippets just written bc ,,, i had to let out the energy somehow) but i also dont wanna spoil shit before the actual fic so ????? i guess i’ll suffer . and or just rant abt it on here , el em ay oh

i havent even fully written anything thats for sure gonna be in the main fic (well maybe thats a lie . i have so many snippets that im sure one of them will be usable at some point) . i wrote chapter one (and two ?) a While back , but im def not using that lmfao

jusssst . sigh . i love this au sm and im So sorry to my qsmp followers who followed me for qsmp fanarts and ended up getting a ramble abt some au u dont know or care abt LMAOOO — just ignore this , smile .? or join/spectate my brainrot as i slowly lose my mind , idk

,, also . have i ever said that i made fantasy costco be ‘fantasy tescos’ instead ? bc i did , since in my eyes tescos is just the british version of costco ,,, even though i dont Really know what tescos is , or if its at all similar to costco (im american pls forgive me) but they sound similar so idc (,,, i havent even gone to costco either , actually . im just balling it out here fr)

oh yeah i was thinking abt making a pogtopia wilbur slash vilbur arc thing for taz!wilbur in a particularly long arc in the story (cough cough stolen century cough cough) too ,,,,, so that might be a thing . idk . maybe bro kinda loses it in those hundred years , bc fucking hell how r these mfs still sane after that /hj (its like he becomes apathetic as he sees all of it as meaningless and futile . bc these ppl and this world is gonna die anyway , so what purpose do morals or any kind of care serve ? theyll be gone in a year anyway , it rlly doesnt matter what happens to them before then [later , he Does snap out of it . maybe after a more emotional death hmm who knows] . plus paranoia with the whole impending doom thing el oh el couldnt be me) . methinks i’ll maybe write smth for this idea (smth that u all might never see lmao) . smiley face :))

anyways fuck it this is the end of this long ahh post . beeye

[my-lunaberg]

OKAYYYYYYYY okay, Im about to watch Tommys The Last Stream vod after I go for another quick walk, after that its just Tubbos stream which is probably just the same thing but from a different pov anyway, then its just the Syndicate End vod and then its just a two minute video of Ranboos end and then Im finally free. I really wish I could do this properly on my blog instead of having to do this in my notes app but I simply cannot wait another day. Im so hopped up on adrenaline rn i dont think I can sleep tonight, especially if I dont finally finish this. Also I have therapy tomorrow when Im writing this and I need to calm tf down before I show up at the therapists office all shaky n shit because of some minecraft roleplay. Its almost 6 pm rn and I shall be free of this nightmare before the clock strikes midnight. Amen.

*

Tubbitch boi

*

I dont even have anything to say man

*

This is so upsetting dude

*

I made it through these first 15 minutes with basically no pausing and I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate that bc I just know the second that joker starts talking to Dream I'll be pausing every 5 seconds

*

Why the fuck does the prison look like it was under water for like a decade and now theres just barnacles n shit growing on everythinh

*

YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABEY RIGHT ROUND

*

DREAM

*

Alright I took two minutes to mentally prepare myself now Im ready for this

*

Wait why the fuck was he just hangin out in the main cell if he wasnt even expecting Tommy. weirdo behaviour

*

PUNZ IS THERE AS WELL??? WERE THEY HAVING A DATE IN THE TORTURE BOX

*

"IM READY TO FUCKING KILL THE BOTH OF YOU"

*long uncomfortable pause*

"Uhm... okay"

*

It looks like Tommy is doing a good job stalling them so far so Im very curious how it goes from this to the stuff Ive read spoilers about

*

Ouhhhhhh I wonder how hes gonna react to that dig at Spirittttttt.........

*

Okay, no like verbal ouward reaction but that is what got him to start attacking Tommy

*

I dont think Punz will care that Tommy tried to kill himself bc of Dream, I think hed find that kinda hot

*

"The world doesnt fucking revolve around you"??? Bro Punz Boomer arc??? "Those darn zoomers wanting compassion and kindness after almost killing themselves

*

"Youre insane to think everything revolves around you" hello?? says the guy who fancies himself a god and also thinks everyone but him and his boytoy deserve to die because theyre "simple-minded"

*

OH NO i completely forgot, the nuke is not gonna hit them. this is allpretty much pointless

DAMN YOU JACK MANIFOLD

*

Okay listen, Im a huge c!Dream sympathetizer and I know this is gonna end with him being presented in a sympathetic and pitiable light and Im gonna fall for it no matter what because of course I am but like, he has been so comically awful throughout this entire finale I am not expecting this to end in an actually satisfying way at all

*

Oh that sly dog got him monologuing

*

Girl help I dont remember pre-rp dsmp well enough to tell if Dream is embellishing shit and victimizing himself or not

*

OKAY dream smp from Dreams pov lets gooooooo

*

??? what.

*

Bro Dream is not in his right mind hes so far away from his right mind he might as well be chillin in lmoonberg that guy is so mentally ill (source: I have like atleast 90% of his mentall illnesses for sure)

*

what do you MEAN "know more"???

*

Maybe Im just a simple minded nihilist but why does that matter man. Why die so you can "know more" when you can live and have like, a party with your buddies

*

Honestly, I feel like Dreams motivations are so stupid at this point, like literally just make him someone who worships XD and is favoured by him or whatever and then also have him have this morbid curiosity about the stuff beyond the server and have him try and become god while appeasing his actual god in the hopes that he'll reveal his otherworldly knowledge to him or whatever idk man

*

Hows Dream gonna grow old with the people he loves when he doesnt have fucking friends HAH got im

*

No offense but why has most of this finale been Tommy philosophically waxing about how you should accept death even though all thats waiting for you on the other side is eternal torment with Dream responding by being like "but why though?? :(" when that has like, literally nothing to do with any of the Dream SMPs themes? Like, okay, theres been a ton of storylines obviously but the two main ones are definitely Tommy vs Dream (its essentially the throughline to all this bullshit) and Wilbur, Lmanberg and every single attempt at a country after that. Because of this I would say that the dsmps themes are Cycles of Violence and Legacy and when they intersect you occasionally get glimmers of this idea of History Repeating Itself.

The Legacy theme is insanely well executed, no notes, Im in love

The Cycles of Violence theme.... less so. I'll probably make a more detailed post about this in the future since I dont wanna waste too much time with this liveblog. But I personally think that if they wanted to pull this theme off while also making Dream sympathetic, he absolutely needed to be affected by the violence he inadvertently caused and the audience needs to actually see it in atleast one (1) scene that would be impossible to twist into something unsympathetic unless you were looking at it in bad faith. Dream being thrown in jail and subsequently physically tortured wouldve been a great opportunity for this kind of stuff like, I remember lurking in the fandom around this time, this was the point where plenty of people were starting to sympathize simply because of how inhumane the prison was. Like, if they werent gonna show him break a little in front of others for their perspectives, the least they couldve done was make like, a few short videos of Dream being alone, doing whatever, you wouldnt even need dialogue and then pepper those throughout the post-prison arcs. You could have one like two or three minute video right after Tommys visit where he maybe tries writing those stupid essays out of boredom before burning them and then some potatoes plop into the pool and you really get a sense for the emptyness and isolation of it. Another good one would be one showing how Quackity tortures him, or maybe one taking place right after one of the torture seassions with him starving and shaking and maybe trying to write a log or something but failing because everything hurts. Him being in the prison after hes escaped and made it his base again, watching it slowly decay and fall apart with him in it. They really dont have to be long, again, two or three minute videos wouldve done a lot of good here imo. And then you could also sprinkle in some monologues because as much as I like to make fun of the snake monologue in my head, it did give some much needed insight into Dreams perspective on all of this while making him a bit more sympathetic.

*

Honestly, Dream is making some pretty reasonable points here (if you completely disregard all the context of the entire dsmp but still) but like dude, you cannot go around calling your teenage nemesis a pest that such obvious villain behaviour dude

*

Im not gonna lie, i thought the very last final scene between Dream and Tommy would take place in a more, idk, intimate? place. Thats not the right word but whatever I cant think of anything else that fits. But like, they absolutely do not have a reason to leave so I guess this is just gonna continue with Tommy and Dream talking in this fucked up room of this fucked up prison while Punz is also right there

*

Okay, I just got to the bit where Tommy says 'Im sorry' to Dream and I know a lot of people were upset by that bc they took it as him apologizing to his abusers for being 'abuse-worthy' if you wanna phrase it like that and thats not what I got from that at all. Like, its technically part of a very earnest emotional statement so his tone was kinda soft and apologetic but it really came across as an 'Im sorry you feel that way' kind of apology to me

*

BRUH HE JUST KILLED HIM??? WHAT

*

What the fuck is happening now

*

Is this hell.

*

NO ITS THE EARLY DREAM TEAM STREAMS THIS TRULY IS HELL

*

Oh my god please tell me this wont go on for much longer I already watched like 30 hours of these boring ass guys dicking around back in late 2020 i cannot take a second more

*

Bro why did they pick the part of the stream thats just Dream trying to figure out his fucking minecraft settings for this this isnt doing anything

*

Please bring me back I dont wanna watch this boring shit

*

What is ahppening

*

Okay they revived him, are they gonna explain why his afterlife hell is just him watching the most boring minecraft streams on planet earth

*

"It doesnt matter if I get horrifically traumatized because I'll just live forever :)"

*

Okay I think Im starting to understand Dreams motivations here a bit more and they make more sense but its like, if you care so much about eliminating suffering why did you go out of your way to torment Tommy like that in exile. Like, i know its because you did want him to be your friend at some point and maybe you still do but you didnt like how he would never listen to you so you figured itd be better to just break him down mentally but like, I dont think that would be necessary for the long term goal of eliminating all death and suffering at all so, what

*

Dude, he was not happy he was adjusting his minecraft settings

*

What if he just started sobbed. Hes all smug like "well, im happy now :)" and then the dam jist breaks. wouldnt that be grand

*

Hes fucking psychoanalyzing the green bitch this rules

*

Im sorry man I was not envisioning this emotional final scene to be accompanied by Punz occasionally saying some bullshit in the background

*

"George and Sapnap are still here" uh no, George literally isnt and last time we saw Sapnap he was making a deal with God to sacrifice his own life and afterlife to ensure that Dream would die and stay dead forever

*

Oughhhhhhh this is great I can practically smell the insecurity coming off of him rn

*

Oh god why is Tommy being like "you just wanted things to be simple [like they were in the past]" giving me a more complete understanding of myself as well this sucks I dont wanna be a c!Dream kinnie anymore >:(

*

I dont think Tommy is wrong about what hes saying abt Dream at all here and I think this is a smart angle to focus on for making Dream seem more sympathetic but right now I definitely feel like its missing the crucial element of "yes, Dream just wants friends, friends who will do what he wants with minimal resistance because hes a control freak" yknow? Like, his need for absolute control all the time is one of his most prominent traits and him wanting to gain some understanding and control of death and other things beyond his comprehension actually lines up quite nicely with that, its just kinda getting muddled with Dreams statements about wanting to make everything better. Granted, he probably wouldnt want to admit that his version of "making everything better" is just making everyone listen to him bc hes god basically but still, I think his control freakiness needs to get addressed more explicitly and maybe it will be, weve still hot a few minutes but ehhhhh. I doubt it

*

Honestly, ive grown to like Punz quite a bit eventhough he really hasnt done much but like, why the fuck is he here

*

I realize that the dialogue in dsmp is always overwhelmingly improv but its just so odd and kinda bad in this conversation. I think its because out of context, the way both Dream and Tommy are phrasing things makes it seem like they were on more equal footing and both suffered equally during their conflict when thats just not the case and Im not a fan

*

I think Ill tentatively take back all the stuff I said about how Dream shouldve been a worshipper of XD but i still think its a neat concept so I'll probably do something with that later

*

Oh god why did they do that crown, Dreams skin already looks bad and silly enough. Oh well I take solace in knowing that all the fanart of this scene probably slaps

*

OH I FORGOR ABOUT THE NUKES

*

Punz is still there is he gonna say anything about the nuke thats about to hit

*

Lookat these guys, never heard a nuke about to hit before

*

Ohhhhhhh I thought that previous 'sorry' was the one Ive seen people upset about, but Im pretty sure its actually this one

Honestly, I still dont see why you would be upset about it outside of the fact that it is an abuse victim apologizing to his abuser but its like, idk man. I dont think a piece of media featuring a scene where that happens within a very specific context is doing abuse apologism, although I guess a lot of people would argue that the fact that Tommy is even reaching out to Dream after everything he did is abuse apologism and. Im not even gonna try to argue with them. I'll just say that I disagree and try to explain my perspective in some amount of detail, this will get pretty personal though, so watch out:

I was recently semi-diagnosed with a personality disorder and i probably have a bunch of other bullshit going on as well and not to armchair diagnose a fictional character but c!Dream definitely has that personality disorder and whatever other shit thats hiding inside my weird brain. His irrational, defensive thought processes, his contradictionary wants, his persistent need for control, his detached nature, his manipulation, the way he uses actual emotional pain as a tool for manipulation while keeping that pain at an arms length, even his weird monotone way of speaking, I relate to all of it. I have seen and related to a lot of mentally ill and neurodivergent and neurodivergent-coded characters and I have never felt as seen as now. He embodies my worst qualities turned up a few notches to make them even worse and then he has a weird god complex on top of all of that and yet, he still ends up being given sympathy, someone tries to understand him and offers him help. And idk, that just means a lot to me so I look at this whole thing a bit differently.

Also, while I get why some people are upset and I get peoples desire to critize this from a Doylist perspective because real people came up with this story in real life and that still has implications, even when the line between fiction and reality is thick enough to be considered a wall, from a Watsonian in-universe perspective its like, Dream is not a bad person for accepting help (or trying to accept help) when its being freely offered to him

*

Okay wait but if the nuke still hit the prison and blew everything to shit what the hell did Jack do when he rewired the redstone at the launch thingy. Is the prison that close to the main smp I dont remember

*

Oh man this is gonna take a hot second huh

*

Okay we're back in Minecraft, Tommys punching a tree

*

I hate the fact that Tommy doesnt atleast punch the entire tree down before making a crafting table

*

OKAY IT IS DONE

I was gonna finish the whole series today but its almost 11pm and I a sleepy gal so i'll watch Tubbos pov tomorrow and the Syndicate vod and all that and also I'll probably give my thoughts on the ending in more detail after that. Right now I dont think I cant bare to write any more man, I just wrote like three or four decently detailed (for me) analyses about fucking bullshit basically in a row, my head literally hurts

So yeah, goodnight I'll be hopefully posting all of these posts tomorrow and I'll hopefully be peoperly liveblogging everything again

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances

[bilbobagginsomebabez]

not reblogging the whole addition

LMFAO FAIR

in no particular order

how to incentivize people to take these jobs

teach them and pay them. we're a caring species and we like to help each other. million and a half psych majors graduate every day with a vague idea of 'helping people.' social work is A HUGE field. put em through some extra training and send 'em out. like i work in the nonprofit sector so i'm surrounded by bleeding hearts every day but seriously we dont struggle to source/staff bleeding hearts, its more a race against the burnout clock as we do our work in extremely hostile environments. and what burns you out isnt exposure to Bad Shit, its impotence. the idea that no matter what you do, you're never gonna make a dent in the avalanche of pain and hardship you're fighting. helping somebody? the success case can power a social worker through for months. a part of caring for people who do communal care work is actually letting them really help. you know how i mentioned somewhere that we live in a society that intensely incentivizes ruthlessness and cruelty? it also suppresses and punishes care workers. like, let us fuckin live and we'll do it all and be very happy about it.

ways in which e.g. American policing in particular derives some of its worst excesses from a culture that prioritises* the officer always feeling safe and able to defend themselves (with violence) over the safety of the citizenship at large

i would develop this a bit further. its not just that american policing has a culture that prioritizes their own safety over their citizens, its that when you make an army, they're going to find an enemy. our police force is highly militarized with lots of super special violent toys that they very badly want to play with. here's confessions of a former bastard cop for a baseline. they will on purpose fuck up restorative initiatives as will many Huge American Industries that heavily rely on harsh exploitation. any transition period would be shaped by those factors to a HUGE degree.

realistically messy transitional period... a realistic treatment of the people who work in it, as well

concepts to play with:

-warring institutions. this happens all the time in govt but a transitional period between a carceral and restorative justice system would have two active institutions at direct cross purposes with each other. cops in different jurisdictions already fight about cases, throw in a new institution in the justice system that is antithetical in every way to a carceral system, and you've got a recipe for interdepartmental chaos. social workers' clients being arrested and harassed. social workers demanding to keep cases that are too 'violent' according to the current division of the carceral/restorative system. you can bet they'd fight like hell about it too if they really believed they could stabilize the client.

-What Laws Do We Keep And How Do They Work. like a social worker with a homeless client who got high on the street is going to try to give them a house to get high in, not send them to jail. and like. that's required for a restorative justice system to be restorative. weve decided we dont want people getting high on the street so we have to make sure they have a house to get high in. or have we decided! do we care about people getting high on the street? is it necessary to intervene or can we all actually just be chill about a guy being kinda weird in your general vicinity.

-severe and persistent mental illness. like de-escalation and care for SPMI patients is a ROUGH fucking field, esp with psychosis. states of psychosis can pull from any element of your memory, so if the patient experienced a lot of violence, they may respond with a corresponding level of violence to the memory and not the situation. it is not their fault and it is HARD to manage and currently it's damn near impossible to do it well. you have to be able to maintain an extremely stable environment long-term and the people who are trying just do not have the funding. the revolution will not be funded and all. imagining how that works in a restorative system, when you KNOW that the risk can never be lowered below like 50 or 60% and they still deserve compassion? like people literally already volunteer for that job and they do it in far more dangerous circumstances than they deserve with far less pay so its not like you won't be able to manage it, but there's still a big fat fucking HOW. and how you protect them from a carceral system that would further abuse them and make them more dangerous. (i have firsthand knowledge of this lmao ask me about the ed and charity test of human rights its based on my parents)

-like it will be messy as FUCK and absolute chaos but i think not in the ways you're imagining. like genuinely i can't tell you enough people do not like pain and will take the easiest available option to avoid it. they dont wanna be hungry, they dont wanna be stressed, they dont want to be in the violent situation just as much as we all dont want it to be happening. (mindfully keep your definition of violence to include stuff like 'poverty' and 'suffering treatable health problems.' anything that is going to unjustly steal another humans patience coins and put them on trend towards a violent deficit.) 99% of every person you meet is choosing the path of least resistance most of the time and would prefer resistance-free paths in general (fun pop culture detective video about this using wall-e). but there are HUGE hurdles in the form of cultural imagination and How We Are Used To Managing Ourselves. the US is an extremely bureaucratic society, as most empires are. dont get me wrong i fucking love a bureaucracy but the level & type of bureaucracy we experience here and now is a surveillance state and also. ok like systems in general are designed to take varied inputs and create consistent outputs. empires do not generally produce outcomes that prioritize the people's wellbeing, they prioritize order and control and suppression. so all the systems they built no matter how you shake them out are going to produce suppressive outcomes. you can't take a machine built to make carburetors and say it's going to make solar panels now unless you also replace all the parts. like it will just keep spitting out carburetors.

so you can ABSOLUTELY create systems that produce positive outcomes for people, but they do not react well to 'institutionalization' as we understand/think of it. like restorative justice is at the very limits of our cultural imagination (why the only good examples we've got are indigenous.) that essay about the abolition of the family--they're talking about creating multiple layered systems of communal grievance management so no one person or group ever has final say. child abuse is a very good example of how our concepts of institutionalization play out. current system: parents have Ownership And Authority Over Child Until Age 18 And Nobody Can Intervene Unless Their Behavior Is Literally Illegal And Actionable In A Court Of Law. breeding ground for isolation and control and lots of silent abuses ignored until they're unbearable or life-threatening. now if you get out of that, you dont gain any more autonomy, you become a ward of the state and speaking as a foster kid you're fuckin lucky if your circumstances don't get worse. your parents make the decisions and then a social worker appointed by the state does. a program like CPS is what americans imagine when they picture restorative justice. but unfortunately that also is violence! 1. CPS intervention and being stolen from your family is fuckin traumatic you're not removing violence from the cycle there. the imposition of an institution's will over your own after you've been harmed is another act of violence. 2. what do child welfare law and age of majority even look like when parents no longer have legal control over their childrens bodies

so you can't just make a rival social worker police force that replaces the carceral police force and call it a done day. useful to make a line in your head between 'system' and 'institution.' its honestly very difficult to totally re-imagine who is present and how they're 'authorized' and how your community reinforces those bonds. how it protects people in advance, how healthy your social web is. like with child abuse, robust and socially protected bonds with a wide range of trustworthy adults is the first step. how do you create a system that effectively bonds a community intergenerationally so when a kid gets hit, they can go to a teacher or faith leader or aunt or social worker or That Nice Guy From The Gas Station and they have so many options that even if one of them falls through, more than one won't. then how do you systemically protect those bonds to give each and every one of those trusted adults the right and social reinforcement to step in and the literal laws encoding the child's right to Decide How To Feel Safe Again. all of it geared towards restoring communal trust and safety.

+ resilient, responsive systems need redundancies. the same thing in multiple different places made in slightly different ways. so how do you do that? on a practical level, who gets put where and what are they allowed to do? when they do whatever they're allowed to do, what's the next step after that, how does it escalate? there will be situations where someone would be safer if they were controlled, and how do we navigate those? what do we do if we suspect that someone is getting close to violence but hasn't committed it yet--how do we identify them outside of an invasive surveillance state and intervene without punishment? how do you respect cultural knowledge and expertise denied by institutions (.....like indigneous justice systems and indigenous ecology) without leaving the door wide the fuck open to our culture's extremely real predisposition towards fantastical thinking. we are a whole country of marks highly recommend fantasyland by kurt anderson.

I think the cumulative effects of this sort of thing contribute to toxic cultures within not only policing but (probably more so, perhaps not uncorrelated with the ways in which the relationship is better and the people less armed) also within medicine and social services

spot fucking ON concepts of medical abuse are HIGHLY applicable to restorative justice and i do not remember enough about the specifics to speak on it but it's an area of Hot Debate because of the inherent power imbalance of needing to trust another person's expertise for your bodily wellbeing. that shit is MURKY and fascinating because it's like "the social role of nurses is currently undergoing a social self-selection process for bullies--how can we alter that system of incentives to socially self-select for Nice People and disincentivize Mean People." and another bit is that the social self-selection process for doctors is a lot of self-important 'i like being The Smartest Guy In The Room and Unquestionable' types. stuff in development with medical panels and changing how medical school is done so it's not like A Brutal Feat Of Will And Intellectual Might but teaches stuff like empathy instead.

re-- specificially a transitional period (not actually a quote just a new topic)

so one of the difficulties with that period is you don't get a ton of opportunities to represent what a restorative justice system does with perpetrators (esp serious perpetrators) as long as a carceral system is in play. because when things are too scary, people default to the familiar. and we're very afraid of The Big Bad Criminals--the malicious rapists and the unrepentant pedophiles and serial killers. the worst of the worst the jeffrey dahmers and shit. and we use those big bad monsters to keep our fear alive and our belief in the necessity of carceral justice alive. but like. that shit is uniquely american and its still rare here. so the need and request for americans to See how a restorative justice system handles their boogeyman is like--well. restorative justice mostly stops us from creating boogeymen out of people. indigenous accounts of colonization are brutal but SO good to read when you can find them to really nail it home. they could not comprehend the inhumanity and depravity of the europeans. these motherfuckers seriously wiped out everyone who was normal and spent the last 200 years convincing us we're all fundamentally evil selfish animals who must be controlled. doughnut economics by kate raworth has a fantastic explanation of the development of the 'modern man' as we understand him--the economic animal, the "rational actor." [1] we're not rational. we're rabidly social. when you create paths of least resistance that allow people to manifest that extremely real human trait? it works. it actually works better and easier than when you're forcing a lot of people to do everything through complex threats of violence.

*brit spotted

[1] as a very petty aside, the man who invented the concept of the rational actor (john stuart mill) SAID THIS HIMSELF: "the resulting depiction is an arbitrary definition of man based on premises which might be totally without foundation... No political economist was ever so absurd as to suppose mankind are really thus constituted." ITS BULLSHIT.

I would really be interested in reading a story written by a police abolitionist who has a good sense of how police would/should be replaced in society. It would be a procedural of sorts, inasmuch as it would be about the process of discovery of the facts of a wrongdoing and how the wrongdoing is handled during and after the fact, and it would follow the various groups of people involved in facilitating that process/processes.

I just think this would be both interesting and a really good way of introducing your vision to people and getting them to read it. In fact, I would be open to collaborating on this project with any interested party who had a strong sense of a system they thought would work but wasn’t so much the this-kind-of fiction writer.

[spikesbimbo]

Three's trouble

Pairing: suna x reader x atsumu

Tags: face fucking, praise, dirty talk, threesome, exhibitionism at first, teasing, choking, oral sex, finger sucking,  idk reader has an oral fixation, lowkey eiffel tower, spit/drool, crying, spanking, daddy!suna, masturbation

wc: 1.8k

a/n: Feeding yall until my dilf fics come out. Iowkey insp by this 

Minors dni 18+

-

“C’mon lemme touch her...please rinnie” He teased, copying you, knowing all you had to do was bat your eyelashes and mumble those words and you'd get what you wanted.

“Call me that shit again and i'll kick you out.” suna said. Freezing in place, dick almost going soft after those words. Lucky your pretty face drooling all over his cock brought him back.

“Go ahead...” he sighed, knowing this was gonna happen after he ‘invited’ him to watch yall fuck after he walked in on you two, knowing he was insatiable as you, and that stroking his cock wasn't enough.

“I-,  you sure…?” he asked. “This okay with you, hmm?” Only caring what your answer was, knowing your boyfriend would go along with it if it made you happy.

“Dont get me wrong its hot as fuck, been dreaming about this for so long, but...” He continued waiting for you to put out an answer, an opening as you responded by breaking your head from sunas cock enough for you to mumble a soft, sweet “yeah”. Expression hidden as your boyfriend drags you back onto him, greed overriding him, wanting to be only one to see your face like this.

Physically responding by arching your back more, rocking your hips as the friction of the air wasn't enough, humming out while your lips were wrapped around his cock once again, nodding your consent again as suna wrapped his hand around your head, leaning back with a groan.

“Fuck baby.” he muttered out. Pride rising in your chest, taking all of him like a good girl. His tip hitting the back of your throat, hands sneaking up his thighs to grab his balls in between your fingers. 

“Don't be rough at first, she doesn't like that.” he said, eyes half closed watching his every movement, looking at your body and expression for any signs of discomfort.

“Got it, got it. Don't worry.” He complained, placing himself behind you. “You're acting like i've never touched a girl before.”

“Wouldn't doubt it.” he said under his breath. Turning his vision back to you, stroking your cheek as his face was getting more tinted by the second.

“Hey!”

You let out a whine, needy moans getting their well-needed attention back on you. Body feeling so neglected as tears started forming in your eyes, your boyfriend quickly calming you down.

“shh baby s’okay, ignore him. Just keep all your attention on me.” He cooed cupping your jaw, distracting you by doing the work for you, bobbing your head up and down with his hand on the back of your head.

Your noises getting higher and higher as atsumu moved his hand to your cunt, sliding his fingers down your slit up and down a few times before stopping to rub your clit. Sliding his finger in, so tight but you gave way so easy, curling his finger pushing the build up of slick out of you, dripping onto the floor beneath you.

“So fucking pretty.” he mumbled out, barely getting the words out before he put his lips on your thighs, placing harsh open mouthed kisses on them. Squirming at the feeling, suna’s hands locking you in place while his hands were grabbing your ass, fingers digging into the flesh as he spread you open. “So wet, wanna taste you.”

Moaning at the words, all shame leaving your body as you presented yourself more, just wanting to feel good already, hearing a chuckle followed by a slight smack landing on you. The shock, letting out a cry laced with pleasure, disconnecting your mouth from him, a gasp of “tsumu” falling from your lips, face contorting with embarrassment as your body does the same.

“You like it pretty girl? You like when your daddy spanks you when you're being bad, hmm?” 

Tears pooling in your eyes as the words left his mouth. “Aww, sweetheart. You love when he makes you cry like that, what an angel.”

His hand comes down onto your skin again, jumping at the contact, ashamedly getting you wetter and wetter. ”Fuck, you get this everynight? Lucky bitch.”:

Suna just chuckled, loving how you caught everyone's attention but at the end of the day you were his, no matter who touched you. Every nerve ending was tensing up as he entered you, his hips slowly meeting your ass at first. Watching himself slide in and out of you as he started to move, shallow strokes turning into deeper ones. “God damn baby, your tiny little cunt’s already swallowing me up.” thrusting into you harder and faster, cries leaving your throat as you already made a mess.

“Fuck baby, you already cum?...”Poor little thing, should've known that when i walked in on you creaming just from your daddy playing with your little cunt.”

“C-cause you were teasing me” you softly sobbed out in protest, needing him to move or you would breakdown.

“Was I? M’sorry pretty girl, dont worry ill make you feel good.” Hearing his grunts as you clenched, not stopping but getting rougher. Thrusting into you as his balls were hitting your sensitive clit, walls throbbing around him as you cried out incoherent words.

Watching himself slide in and out of your tiny little cunt  as he starts to move, slow and shallow strokes sliding into deeper ones. “You’re just fucking swallowing me up, fuck.”

“D-daddy” escaping from your lips in a moan, as his hand was wrapped around your neck, forcing you to look your wet sloppy face in his eyes as you were getting fucked. You blurry vision making out his deadpan face, but you felt his gaze on your body, ass bouncing after every thrust, only being held up by him.  

“Daddy?” tsumu questioned, his grip on your hips growing tighter, letting out a little squeal as his thrusts get shakier. “Fuck, youre so lucky.”

Suna just chuckled, knowing what he had, making sure you knew it too. Tsumu leaning back against your body watching you catch his thrusts halfway. Hips rolling, gasps barely having time to escape before they’re knocked out of you again.

Your boyfriend not being able to fight the groans that spill out of his mouth, thumb swiping over your lips, smearing his cum and spit there. Rocking his hips back into your mouth, eyes hooded watching tsumu make you crumble and cry under him.

“He making you feel good baby?” he asked. Whimpering at the way he’s grabbing your jaw, already so sore. “C’mon, be a good girl and tell daddy.”

Being patient with you was one of his specialties, letting you take all the time you needed, eyes focused on you waiting for you to be a big girl and use your words.

“Y-yea, rinnie.” you stuttered out, voice displaced by his thrusts.

“Good girl.”

The way he's speaking to you, so sweet and soft, but so dominant at the same time. Kissing you on the forehead before moving down to your lips. Wet eyes being rubbed by his finger as his other hand is stroking his cock.

Tsumu’s moans are background noise as you drag your tongue down his hand, grabbing it with the hand that isn’t currently on his dick, wrapping your lips around his digits. Not reacting besides letting you do what you want, as usual; breath hitching as you take it down to his knuckle.

“Fuck,” tsumu groaned, flicking his hips up into yours, getting off to the both of you looking like the sight of a porn clip in front of him.

“daddy, i-, im gonna” you whimpered, lips hovering over sunas, a line of spit connecting you two, how romantic. Your sentence not finishing as he dragged you back into a kiss, sloppy and messy, all while tsumu is bruising your cervix, the pain dulling at this point.

“Yeah baby, you gonna cum on my cock? Already doing such a good job.” he said, trying to look back at him before suna grabs your head again, looking into your red teary eyes as you pant out. Dry mouth open as he’s fucking your fist, rocking into you like you were a toy.

“You gonna be a good girl and take it? Gonna be a good girl?” he muttered out, sliding his flushed cock back into your drool covered mouth. 

“Our good girl.”

Suna rolls his eyes as he cups your face again, spit sliding down it as he pushed it in, not wanting to cum again after looking down into your spaced out eyes. The sound of his balls slapping your chin, obscure words leaving his mouth as your nose was now at his crotch.

The pain of your dry lips growing, the ache in your jaw only adding onto it but you were gonna make him finish. Hiccupping out whimpers as astumu gets rougher, picking up the pace. 

The sound of your wetness leaking onto his thighs and balls, every slap sounding lewd as possible the vibrations coming from your mouth is enough to have suna shove himself down your throat more, fucking you there until he cums down it.

A dazed smile appearing on your face as you licks up what slipping between your lips, looking like hes about to pass out at the sight of your lips licking it off of him, leaning his head back as the thinks hes about to blow again.

Another moan leaves your lips as you feel so close to your climax, not having anyone to pay attention to anymore but yourself as you feel your orgasm building up. Selfishly moving your boyfriends dirty hands to you, already catching your drift as he starts lazily rubbing your clit almost instantly making you cum.

Atumu chasing his as soon as he feels yours, rolling his hips deeper as he pushes your back in an arch. Seeing black for a minute as he lets himself go. Getting faster, hips stuttering as your body is limp under him resting on suna. Sobbing at the overstimulation as he continues to abuse your poor cunt as he drains his balls dry, making the most of his orgasm.

Mind going bank, not even realizing that he pulled out of you, and that you were laying in your boyfriends arms. Wrapped in the thin sheets, him coming down from a high just as much as you.

 “You good, baby?” suna whispered, wrapping his arm around you kissing beneath your ear as he rubbed your back. Nodding as you dozed off into him, sleepiness overtaking you at the feeling of being in his hold as you did every night.

“ So…” Atsumu started breaking the silence, suna already giving him a side eye, not wanting to wake up your pretty face squished into his shoulder. “Maybe ne-”

“No.”

[bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher]

🥺 babe 🥺 bAbE

What if Jask gets sick at Kaer Morhen but tries to hide it from Geralt bc he doesn't want him to think he's gross/weak/etc? And Geralt has the Feelings Braincell for once?

oh babe... thank you

tw: sickness, falling unconscious, fever, whump/angst with a happy ending

---

Jaskier knew he had a fever the moment he woke up. He could feel it burning beneath this skin like a forge, flushing his face a more vibrant shade of pink than usual. He glared at his reflection in the small, round mirror above his dressing table and willed himself to feel better. It was his first winter at Kaer Morhen, and he didn’t want Geralt to think he’d made a mistake by inviting Jaskier along to stay. The bard knew that his stoic, self-loathing Witcher would blame himself immediately for any misfortune or illness that befell Jaskier. Geralt might even reconsider inviting him back again someday. So he had to keep his little bug a secret until he was well. Surely it was nothing major. Surely it would pass after a few days, unnoticed and unremarkable.

He should have known better.

Jaskier dabbed a bit more perfume than usual (which was generally none at all) beneath his ears and along his wrists. He hoped the peony-lavender mixture would mask whatever kind of scent his illness might carry and slowly, carefully made his way down the long stone staircase that led from the guest bedroom to the enormous kitchen. His limbs felt achy and tired, even though he’d slept heavily the night previous. His head sat heavy and unbalanced atop his shoulders; the world wavered and spun around him as he desperately tried to keep from pitching sideways into the wall. 

“You alright there, boy?” Vesemir asked, catching his eye from the bottom of the stairs. “You seem a bit… nervous.”

Maybe his anxiety was doing a better job of hiding his secret than the perfume. 

“Just a little wool between my ears this morning,” the bard laughed brightly, ignoring the searing pain that throbbed through his chest with the movement, “I think I might go chop some wood and see if the brisk mountain air helps clear it out faster.”

“Hmm,” the eldest Wolf nodded sagely. There was no doubt which teacher Geralt had admired most as a pup. “Alright. Be safe, take care. I’ll send someone to fetch you when breakfast is ready.”

“Thank you, Vesemir,” Jaskier bowed shallowly and headed for the kitchen’s back door. He took the axe into his hands and tried not to sway on his feet from the added weight. The bard covered his tracks by throwing a smile back over his shoulder and pushing the door open. “See you for breakfast!”

He stepped out of the keep and let the heavy slab of wood slam shut behind him. The early morning sky above Kaer Morhen was cloudless and the sun was bright, blinding him entirely. His situation only worsened when the sudden change in temperature, from the warm kitchen to the freezing mountainside, punched the air from his lungs in one thick cloud. He struggled to regain it as he wove his way through the snow drifts to the woodpile. Slowly, and with great effort, Jaskier lined up a thick log to be split.

The world felt watery and far away. His hand, which he knew to be attached to the end of his arm by some miracle, would not obey his command to pick up the axe again. His lungs felt heavy in his chest cavity and his legs suddenly ached with a fierce intensity. 

With a quiet cry of protest against his own body failing him, Jaskier collapsed into the snow.

---

Jaskier’s heartbeat was so slow and quiet, his limbs unmoving and his lips nearly blue from the cold; Geralt wasn’t sure he’d ever been so scared before in his life. He turned to Vesemir and asked, barely keeping the frantic terror from clawing its way out of his throat: “How long was he out there?” 

“Half an hour at most,” the grey Wolf shrugged. “I don’t really remember, Geralt. I was busy taking care of the breakfast arrangements.”

“Fuck!”

“Calm down,” Eskel ordered. He frowned at Geralt from his place at Jaskier’s opposite side. He’d helped carry the bard from the courtyard to Geralt’s room and was just as worried about the human’s wellbeing. “Panicking won’t help him. Now, what’s the problem?”

“It’s hard to tell over all that stupid perfume,” Lambert snarled. “Stupid fucking bard fucking knew we would be able to smell it on him. He covered his gods-damned tracks.”

“Jaskier,” Geralt murmured, having grown suddenly calm. He let the back of his knuckles drag softly across the bard’s too-hot cheek until he could stick a stray lock of sweaty brown hair back behind his ear. “You idiot.”

The bard shifted against the blanket they’d laid him on, his brow wrinkling. His arms twitched slightly, as if he was trying to move them, and he whined plaintively: “G’ralt.”

“I’m here, Jask,” the Witcher replied quickly, forgetting they weren’t alone in the room. He took one of the bard’s freezing hands into his own and began rubbing the warmth back into his fingers. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you better. You’ll be alright.”

“Who are you trying to reassure?” Lambert huffed a short laugh. “You or the bard?”

“Leave off,” Eskel shot his younger brother a glare. The redhead rolled his eyes and moved to lean against the wall near the door. Eskel continued speaking to Lambert, but his eyes were back on Jaskier, who kept trying to get closer to Geralt even in his sleep. “Why don’t you go grab some clean clothes from his room while we get him warmed up and conscious again.”

“Fine,” Lambert spat. But he took off at a quick trot, regardless.

“Geralt, get his wet clothes off and get him wrapped up. Eskel, you come with me to the kitchen. I’ll need help carrying things and I’m sure the bard would prefer some privacy in this particular matter.”

Eskel nodded his agreement and followed Vesemir from the room, leaving Geralt alone with Jaskier. The White Wolf hurried to undress and swaddle the bard with a warm, heavy wool blanket and several furs, talking all the while in a low, worried voice. “Fuck, Jaskier. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this happened and that you- Why did you hide it? Why wouldn’t you- Are you afraid of me? Is that why you didn’t come to me for help?”

Jaskier’s lids fluttered open and Geralt watched with nervous anticipation as two of the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen, blue as cornflowers and brighter than the spring sky, tried their best to focus on his face. “Geralt?”

“I’m here, Jaskier. What’s ailing you? Please, tell me how I can help you.”

“Hurts,” the bard managed to groan. “To breathe.”

“Fuck,” Geralt growled. “We need to get you warm. Lambert should be back with your clothes by now.”

Jaskier’s head lolled back against the pillow and he struggled to reach for his Witcher, “Hold me.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll warm up-” he gasped between words, as if every syllable pained him to expel “-faster if… you hold me.”

“Hmm,” Geralt’s brows furrowed in frustration. He knew Jaskier was right, that he’d feel better faster with skin-on-skin contact, but he also wanted to hold Jaskier for other, less emergency-based reasons. That was unacceptable. Losing Jaskier to death or sickness or other human reasons was intolerable but losing him, in all senses of the word, because of Geralt’s impossible feelings? That would be truly horrendous.

The warring factions of his heart were still clamoring over a decision when Eskel and Vesemir re-entered carrying two large trays. One was covered with foodstuffs and the other held an enormous clay teapot and mugs. A small pot of honey, gathered from Vesemir’s very own beehives, was the most obvious sign of affection Geralt had ever seen the older man display for a near-stranger. 

“I’m gonna… get… spoiled,” Jaskier gasped. The eldest Wolf shot Geralt a glare. 

“Why aren’t you in there with him? You know the best way to warm up a hypothermic person is skin contact, Geralt! I certainly taught you better than this.”

“I didn’t-” he stuttered. “I wasn’t-”

“He’s afraid,” Jaskier smiled sadly, cuddling himself deeper into the furs as he turned his gaze towards the fire. All three of the Witchers could smell his sadness, even more potent than the illness ravaging his delicate human body. Geralt winced when his brother and father glared at him in tandem, expressions nearly matching in fury. The bard was still looking away, watching the flames send dancing patterns of light against the stone walls. “Don’t worry… won’t ask… for any more.”

“Jaskier,” Geralt whispered, taking a seat on the edge of the mattress. “May I hold you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that’s our cue to leave,” Vesemir smiled beneath his mustache. Jaskier was too tired to blush, and opted to bury his head in Geralt’s shoulder instead. “Come along, Eskel. Let’s see what Lambert has gotten up to.”

“What about Jaskier’s clothes?”

“He can borrow Geralt’s for now. I’m sure our White Wolf won’t mind sharing; he’s the possessive type, after all.”

Geralt rolled his eyes and grumbled out of habit more than disagreement. 

When Vesemir and Eskel had gone for good and the door was closed, Geralt pulled Jaskier out of the furs and removed his own shirt. He settled the bard against his chest and buried his nose in Jaskier’s dark hair, breathing in the scents of sweat and sickness and now, thank the gods, tangy-bright happiness. “Gods, Jaskier. Don’t scare me like that ever again. I can’t lose you.”

“I didn’t… want… to disappoint.”

“You never do and never will,” Geralt intoned. He pulled the furs over them both and splayed his large hands across Jaskier’s back. The bard’s skin was overly hot in some places and freezing in others; Geralt buried his panic in order to care for... for the man he loved. He took a deep breath and rubbed slow circles between the bard’s shoulder blades. “I… I love you, Jaskier.”

“Hmm,” the bard hummed tunelessly. “Love you… too.”

Geralt helped him sit up and drink a mug of tea. He listened, slowly allowing himself to relax, as Jaskier’s breathing eased and his heartbeat balanced. When the tea was gone and the fire was re-built to Geralt’s satisfaction, the Witcher tucked Jaskier’s head beneath his chin and wrapped his arms around the bard’s shoulders. “Oh, my little lark. I’ve been so foolish for too long.”

“Yeah,” Jaskier grinned into the Witcher’s warm pectoral. “Me... too.”

“Well, we’ll have plenty of time when you feel better,” Geralt murmured, lips pressing over and over to the top of the bard’s head. Jaskier couldn’t keep himself from smiling, even as he drifted back to sleep. The Witcher felt something settle in his chest when he whispered: “Rest up, dear heart. There are many more adventures to be had.”