#like if you feel one way about something for a period of time but then it goes away did it actually matter

[casedeviant]

“ 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄 𝐍𝐎𝐓. ” ﹙ 𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐃 𝐒. & 𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 ﹚ ⫘⫘⫘⫘ 私は主人をとても愛しています 2.7k wc

˖ ࣪ ִ𖤐 𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑 ⌖ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𓋰 ╭ 18+ ╮ dom top male reader & sub bottom cloud strife. dark content; noncon to dubcon, forced penetration, impact play, sexual harassment, angry sex, yandere themes. explicit sexual content; pervert! cloud, anal sex, dry humping, caught masturbating, voyeurism, scent kink, master & slave - set non-specific time period, squirting.

cloud strife was the type pervert you wouldn’t even think about comparing debonair wealth to. he was more filthy; more obscene than any sleazy little thing you had encountered. he was furtive, but not deliberate. he was artless, but not reliable. and most importantly, he definitely was not as innocent as he made himself out to be.

although, the act of perceiving oneself as such did have you play right into his trap on occasion - that still never compelled you to lay a finger on the boy, though. it was for his own good and your responsibility as his master.

yes, cloud knew what he was doing to you - for attention, like the little tart he was. he has a soft spot for you! the only master he has ever had that treated him well like a decent human being, over how slaves are expected to act. 

but he wasn’t special. he was a slave. slaves will always be denied such privileges. so, why did you grant him such leniency over the other ones?

it’s hard to tell when the only thing mediating the two of you was status. soiling a slave would mean ruining your own reputation in society. you’d be seen as the same, or worse, than what cloud merely believes is human nature.

when you grant someone such comfort, they take it for granted.

but every single time you catch him sullying your belongings - in the chamber when he is told to change your bedding, on the balcony where your smoking piston lay bare with lingering evidence of your hairs wrapped around the railing - the shockproof glass atwixt it all, cracks every single time you’re not supposed to catch him.

the smell of opium alone gets him riled up; you had to find another slave to replace his spot because he got a boner just from replacing the old poppy in your smoke with new poppy. it was an irritating experience, nonetheless, but you reassured him that feeling such a way in the presence of potent drugs was normal human reaction.

but was it really? if other people around you had to contain it, why couldn’t he? his intolerance to such things has nothing to do with you.

so, let’s recall perception number one: he was furtive, but not deliberate.

cloud was good at hiding his behaviour from the other servants of the household. he never let anything get noticed if it meant it could get him severely reprimanded, or worse, sold off. but he purposely let whorey, trollopy actions slip whenever he noticed you paid heed; you didn’t even need to look at what he was doing for him to know that you knew.

perception number two: he was artless, but not reliable.

profusely apologising for his actions were practically part of his every conversation with you. a minor slipup that didn’t even involve anything scandalous of such, let his tongue roll into his cheek and tears brim on his waterline. but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do it again. he always did something new and undiscoverable that tested forbearance. but every single time he did justify his actions, you knew he meant it.

final, concluding perception number three: he wasn’t innocent. he never was. your desire for him was just as unmatched as it was for the burning lust he had for you. but you learnt from the books, that rationality was something slaves were never properly educated on. they only learnt through repeated abuse by those who took care of them. your abuse, on the other hand, was more absent than cause. everyone loved you because of this, not just slaves.

you settled upon a rather rash decision after thinking about that boy too much and his moronically petite expression he’d make whenever you did raise your voice at him. well, that’s how cloud would see it anyways - you never really did yell at him. it was more just…educating him on his wrongdoings, whether that ended up with you dragging him out of where he caused trouble, by the golden strands of his head.

that was beside the point.

so why is it, that in this very moment, when you catch cloud in your personal chambers, sprawled out on your silken bed, ass airborne, back impossibly arched, fingers wrapped around the head of his cock, and the scent lingering on your pillow where his face is mushed into, that all you can do is feel esurient?

you should be angry, furious, even, catching a slave doing something so disgraceful? that deserves a whipping.

but your patience chattered, and you shamelessly felt yourself finally wanting to do so many perverted things to him; it was out of anger that you felt this way about him, not because he was sullying your belongings, but because he finally won.

you wanted to violate his body with your cock in ways he had never even imagined before. you wanted to take him raw, without any form of preparation, his come and blood from the insertion of your dick, as a form of lube. you figured he’d be the type to enjoy a little pain, because in the end, that always turned into pleasure for him.

masochistic bastard.

all that hatred went straight to your cock, and you found yourself staring at his ministrations until he came all over the sheets. the pathetic little whimpers that dodged his lips with ease, were more tolerable than hearing him cry out your name; little pleas’ of “m-master, oh master [name]- it f-feels so good!” and sudden peaks of realisation that he needed more than just his fingers rimming the tight muscle of his asshole.

this was the first time you had watched him through to the end; all those other times you tried to spare your sanity. but this time, it was nowhere to be seen

“i came so much… i better clean this up before the master retires tonight.”

and when cloud spins around, as happy as glee, his expression, as well as his heart, sinks to his feet. the sheets he had stripped from your bed, fall to the ground, as well as his knees, already preparing some coherent apology in his head that only forces his lips to open in a babble.

standing at the now open entrance of your chambers, your hardened penis protrudes against the material of your night gown - as clear as the moonlit sky. there was no point trying to hide what he had caused; the difference wasn’t confidence, but a lack of care in the moment right now. you were going to make sure that cloud knew how heavy your balls were and that they needed to be taken care of of a release.

“m-master… w-wha- what are you doing back so early?”

like a deer caught in car headlights.

“hmm… well, you know…” the hum swirls around in your chest as you cross your arms over yourself, leaning casually against the curtains that hung against the rich mahogany of your chambers.

“i was just wondering what all that noise was, and here i found a little puppy pleasuring himself right in front of his masters eyes so barefacedly.”

cloud was flummoxed, those consuetudinal tears already drooling like a wet piece of paper, down his rosy cheeks. he was already a frightened mess, more so than usual, given your own heightened state. he was terrified.

the boy held his tongue as you sauntered over to him, the starkness of your thighs peeking through the slit of where your gown was tied together around your waist. he had never seen masters thick, well-defined legs before… and as expected, it made his own cock jump in newfound excitement.

you lean over, and thats when cloud frontlessly looks down your gown at where it slipped off your shoulder as you ripped the sheets from his grasp. the brief glimpse of your virile chest sends his mind into a complete and utter frenzy.

“cloud, tell me. what is this?”

he was lost in thought, and the sound of your textured voice shakes him back to reality. you stare at him with your mouth frowning, eyes filled with an unfamiliar craze that practically killed him. his pupils dilate, and he gasps, crying and moving to cling himself against your leg.

m-masters legs… are so soft. is what he can only think about at this moment. you and your fucking legs. not that he masturbated to the scent of you, of course. because apparently that didn’t matter to him.

you let out a spent sigh, head dropping backward as you breathe in the air above you. cloud continues rubbing his cheek against your calf, running his fingers a little too high up your thighs, and grinding his erection against your feet.

and in that moment, you realised no one was responsible for what was about to happen to this poor boy.

when you look down at him, smiling, and running your fingers through his hair, that expression is quickly replaced with a composed one when you tightly grip his roots. he writhes and kicks and screams and begs for you to let go of him, but he quickly finds himself thrown onto the same bed he was just soiling before.

you tear some of the sheets in half, wrapping a ribbon around his arms which were stationed behind his back. the part where he specifically dirtied, you made sure to stuff his head and nose into it completely, onto the mattress below.

asphyxiated by the damp material, cloud’s struggling gets weaker as you hold him there, his whines muffled. you proceed to pull down his pants, bare bottom on display for you as you bend his back further with your spare hand, pressing down on his shoulder blades. his legs wiggle and you make sure to sit on them before lifting him up by the thighs with both hands now, inspecting his hole.

cloud gasps, his eyes growing red and face saturating in purple hues from the previous lack of oxygen. all he can do is take deep breaths before screaming.

“M-MASTER!!”

his ugly cries, how amusing. you chuckle.

with his hole mere inches from your face, your long nails glide lightly around the tight ring of muscle, watching it shrink and relax with each teasing touch. you do this a few times to try and part it, feeling defeat when it caves back in on itself.

feeling for his dick, your hand instantly is smeared with his pre as you pop the flat of your thumb over his urethra hole.

it finally sinks in to cloud that your assaults are firm and intentional when you throw him back down to the bed in his previous position, face pressed into the dirtied silk. you hold him firm as you partly shrug off your robe, leaving it to hang just barely over your chest and one part of your collarbone. you push the long and untidy strands of your hair over your forehead in a maniacal laugh, now realising what sort of position you were in with him.

“fucking hell.” you mutter, jaw taut and eyes dangerously wild.

you then proceed to place one foot just below and to the side of his head, as your knee comes down beside one of his thighs. your hand is still holding his head firmly into the cushioning material below, and your other one gives a few pumps of your cock before rubbing it between his ass.

when you do this, cloud shivers, and you can physically see his hole wiggle in excitement from it. the warmth your shaft provided for just a brief moment, made him push back against you despite oxygen leaving his stupid head.

and without waiting, you lined your cock up with his hole, pushing in.

“ugh- shit… why are you so tight?” as if you didn’t know the reason for that, but if he acted like a slut around you, what stopped him from acting like one around his previous masters?

that thought alone, made you even angrier.

as you push more of yourself into him, spots of blood begin to surface, leaving a circle around your shaft to connect the two of you.

cloud’s toes curl and he heaves out grotesque grunts below. now realising you had held him down too long, you drag his head up by the hair as his back flushes against you, sheathing all of your meat inside of him.

his facial expression looks like he’s on the verge of passing out, no doubt. without any type of preparation and jumping straight into the punishment, cloud feels sick for how good it burns.

his insides cauterise with your cock, leaving a bump just below his navel. when he tries to look down to his leaking cock, you squeeze him by the cheeks, bringing his face back up to eye level, facing a mirror the blonde forgot was there half an hour ago.

he could see your glare shadowing behind him and your nose inhaling the sweat of his neck. the darkness of the room didn’t help how he felt either, and intensified that even more.

“don’t act like this wasn’t what you wanted, cloud. you won against your master; a fair match indeed. so now, i shall give you your reward that you have craved for.” you hush to him in a condescending tone before moving your hips back, and slamming forward into him.

cloud’s unable to speak from this motion, his mouth lolling open which invites you to stick your fingers inside his mouth. drool instantly soaks your fingers as you place his tongue between the sides of your index and middle finger, his eyes rolling back into his head as you set a rough pace on his ass.

with every push and pull of your hips, you could feel his insides hold onto you for dear life, begging not to be tattered and mangled. yet, the sensation has you completely lost as you tear his ass open with your cock.

it’s messy, it’s bloody, it doesn’t look nice, but cloud’s leaking cock may say otherwise.

when you angle your hips up into him, his legs shake and he squirts strings of hot come into the air. it sprays all over the mirror in front of the two of you, and cloud collapses against your chest.

“after all that, you came so quickly.” disappointment lingered in your tone and cloud looked up at you, half of his face buried into the sheets. his hands were still tied behind his back, so he couldn’t do much but take whatever you gave him.

and then something unexpected happened.

for a moment, cloud swears dreaming when you place a soft kiss against his temple, looking down at him thoughtfully with your cock on tall, proud, and on standby.

tears of joy fill his eyes and he grins, giggling hysterically. you grimace when he does this, the snot and drool covering his face serving as a tool of unattractiveness. but he doesn’t care, he did finally get what he wanted.

“t-thank you- master. heh, thank you so much! hehe…hehehe. thank you for being so kind to me. i-i love you so much, master!”

your mouth then frowns and your eyebrows raise for a moment when you watch him thank you with full admiration in his eyes.

fucking disgusting.

all you can do after that is roll your eyes, remembering how this thing started in the first place.

you bring a hand down to his cheek, smacking the scorching skin roughly and turning him over onto his back. cloud invitingly opens his legs for you, his cock hard again and his hole ready for more action despite a stinging sensation still coming from that area.

“p-please… fill me up, master… i need your cock.”

he motions himself back and forth that catches your tip against his abused hole. and when you allow him to slither his ass over your tip, you just sit there on your heels, watching in raw amusement.

“you’re a strange little creature, aren’t you?”

now discarding all of your gown, leaving you completely naked, cloud can’t help but stare.

“enjoying the view?”

cloud whines, and you swear his invisible tail wags below him. you then let out a sigh, calmer than how you felt at the beginning of this mess.

it was going to be a very, very long night.

[comatosebunny09]

helpful | sylus

— summary: you can’t sleep because aunt flo is a bitch. sylus decides to help. — cw: female reader, female anatomy described, dry humping, riding, menstrual cup mention, period woes, mild language, praise, incredibly self-indulgent, bro this is a hot mess, i wrote this instead of carpe noctem ‘cause i wanted sexy time, mdni — now playing: monster - irene & seulgi

For the umpteenth time that morning, you fidget. 

Stupid restless leg syndrome. Stupid cramps. Stupid period. 

Man, fuck!

He stirs behind you, and you stiffen. He groans something abrasive. Brushes his lips against the outer curve of your ear, his hold around your waist tightening the slightest bit. 

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

You wince at the grit of his tone. Feel shitty because he sleeps like shit as it is. With your added squirming, you’re only making things worse. 

“Nothing,” you sigh, hoping he won’t pursue it and fall back asleep. 

“Can’t sleep?” 

You shrink. Of course he’d press.

“Cramps again?”

You nod wordlessly, smoothing an apologetic thumb over his wrist and rubbing his ankle with your toes. He shifts against you, curled around you like a clingy feline, legs entangled, body a warm, calming pressure at your back. 

“How can I help?” purrs your love, rooting his nose against the sensitive space behind your ear. Inhales, taking in the warm scent wafting off your skin, leaving a shudder and goosebumps in his wake. 

“Dunno,” you return with a pout. “Maybe take my uterus out.”

His chuckle is throaty. Sleepy. Alluring. 

He eases a hand beneath the hem of your shirt, battle-worn palm smoothing over your belly. It’s soothing. Like your own personal heating pad, somewhat easing the gnarl of your gut.

“Unfortunately, I can’t do that, sweetheart. You might need it later. Any other way I can assist?”

You chew on your lip, listening to your pulse thrum. To the sound of his even breaths, the slide of his hand over your stomach, and the wrens singing their morning hymnal outside your window. 

You’re too lazy to grab medicine for the pain. And you don’t want Sylus leaving the bed, either—you’d miss him too much, no matter how briefly he’d be gone. 

You recall once reading up on other methods to ease cramps. 

Your cheeks warm with the memory of one particular bullet point that stood out.

You clear the phlegm from your throat in an attempt to redirect your thoughts.

Sylus, the observant bastard, senses your evasiveness. He lifts his chin from the hollow of your neck, snowy strands tickling your skin. You don’t have to glance back to know he’s looking at you with those dangerous duel flames and wariness pulling at his sleepy face.

“Talk to me,” he coaxes, patting the meat of your belly. 

You swallow past the barbs in your throat, fidgeting once more. Your voice is small. Tentative. “Well, there is one way.”

You picture an inquisitive brow lifting. “Enlighten me.”

Quietly, you shift around on your bed in his arms until you’re faced with a mop of white. With drooping eyes glistening like the sun refracted off sea waves. 

You take his warm cheeks in your palms, sliding your thumbs along the scratchy stubble residing there. Trace over his bottom lip, entranced by its elasticity. Its fullness. He groans something soft and bitten-off, tugging you closer until your chests meet.

You look down between your bodies, a hot wash of embarrassment flooding you. A dismissive smile rounds your lips. “It’s stupid. Go back to sleep. Don’t worry about me.”

His hand slinks down your side, settling on your hip. He pitches himself forward, stealing the taste of your lips with a sticky, languid kiss. Nuzzles your nose with his beautifully sculpted one, a youthful quirk to his mouth. 

“Nothing is ever stupid when it comes to you. Tell me. I want to ease your pain.”

You worry your bottom lip again with your teeth, mulling over your next words. You burn hot when, in your peripheral, his eyes darken whilst following the action.

“I read somewhere that, um…”

Sylus strokes reassurance into your waist with his thumb. Wordlessly encourages you to continue, painting an attentive line between your mouth and lashes. 

“Orgasms…help.” 

“Oh?”

You flinch at how his voice rolls like thunder in his chest. You shut your eyes tight, to which he chuckles, dragging you impossibly closer until your pelvises acquaint themselves with each other. He traps your legs with his, mooring you to the spot. To him. 

Gentle digits pinch your chin, guiding your gaze back up. The look on his face makes your stomach twist, contending with your cramps. He kisses you once more, pressing that devilish smile to your lips. You relax after some time, letting him guide you through the languorous waltz of your tongues.

Your arms snake about his neck, and you pour the deftest little sound into his body, allowing him to plunder every ridge and crevice of your mouth. He pulls away with a sticky click, and the smolder of his gaze is unmistakable. 

Lust. Playfulness. Danger.

“Allow me to help,” he says, voice warm milk and honey. 

Your stomach flips. 

There is no warning. No preamble when he effortlessly maneuvers your body until you’re straddling him, legs bracketing either side of his devastating hips. His fingers burn like cinders, clasped around your waist. The seam of his pants digs something harsh against the inner cut of your thigh. You throb, blinking dumbly down at your love.

He tugs with a chuckle, and you careen forward, catching yourself on palms perched on his virile chest. With a smirk canting one corner of his mouth, he pillows the back of his head with his palm, watching you expectantly, the pinnacle of smugness.

“Use me.”

Your face contorts with confusion, a hot thrill shooting through you. “Huh?”

“To get off,” he returns as if it’s as obvious as the night’s transition to day. 

He lightly swats your ass, and you release an indignant sound, bowing forward, a warm, dizzying pressure pushing against the seam of your cunt.

Is that—

Sylus scoffs at your indecision. “Do I have to do everything for you, sweetie?” 

It’s a tease, a challenge. Yet, before you’re granted the time for a response, his hand is firm and possessive on your hip, sliding you forward, and—oh, fuck.

You pulse at the pleasant glide of your cunt against his awakening bulge. He repeats the motion, this time sliding you back on his lap. And spurred by your pleasured response, he begins undulating your hips like the lazy pull of a tide receding into the sea. The friction brewing between your thighs is enough to make your eyes roll and your head loll back, your mouth falling open with a silent gasp.

His lips part slightly, his unoccupied hand clasping around your other hip to keep you in rhythm. “Just like that,” he rasps, watching the strings of your resolve fray slowly. 

He knows what his voice does to you. How his tender instruction curls in your stomach like smoke, unfurling upward to scorch your chest. 

When he’s convinced you’ve caught on, he releases your hips, blistering palms closing around your wrists to keep you anchored to him. To keep your palms pressed firm against the rigid pane of his chest for leverage. 

“That’s it, sweetheart. Use me. Take what you want from me.” His voice is murky. Gritty. Intense. Strained as if he’s enjoying the steady wind of your hips, the union of your bodies, just as much as you are.

Something twists low in your belly. You peer down at him with half-slit eyes, not once relinquishing the pleasurable knock of your hips. He studies you with equal fervor, pelvis slowly surging off the bed to meet you rock for rock. He’s goaded by your pleasure. By the soft, pathetic keening sounds leaving your lips, and his grip on your wrists is almost bruising.

“Take me, sweetheart. Take me.” He groans something heady, throaty, and it puddles in your core, searing hot like magma. 

Your walls quake around the menstrual cup nestled within, amplifying the sparkling sensation threatening to wholly take hold of you. 

“Don’t stop,” he urges on a groan. “Take your pleasure.”

You’ll lecture him later on his obsession with being used like something disposable. For now, you chase the tingling sensation stewing between your bodies, riding him a little faster than before. 

Your mouth hinges open as your hips paint a rhythm of their own accord, driven by feeling alone. Your orgasm creeps up your back like spindly, spidery limbs, and the world falls away, making way for a blinding surge of white. Your hips stutter. Stiffen, your tongue wrapping around his name. 

You barrel forward, falling into Sylus’ embrace, and you laugh as the final vestiges of your orgasm wade over you, leaving you a shaking mess of tendons and sweat. 

He smooths a hand over the notches of your spine as you come down, humming low, whispering dulcet words of encouragement into the crown of your head.

“That’s my girl. So good for me. So sweet.”

His heartbeat is mollifying beneath your cheek. You smile, breaths evening out, sleep beckoning you with her feathery call. 

That’s one way to combat menstrual pain.

[miedei]

loved loved loved your roommate!spence fic!!

i was wondering what you think of him being all clingy to his roommate after coming back from cases, bc he's so often gone that he feels like he wants to cling on to her forever whenever he's home? like a drabble or something

that's so so so real nonnie he's sooo clingy

i wrote like crazy because this was a brainworm

roommate!spence fic <3

One would think that Spencer Reid, famed genius and germaphobe, would be rather resistant to the idea of sharing his space with another person.

However, in the year that you've lived with him, you can say that assertion is decidedly untrue. Needless to say, he's not often home for extended periods of time, so you get rather used to having the apartment to yourself.

But when he's home? It's almost suffocating, the way he latches onto you. When he's awake enough to elucidate, he'd outline the complex happenings that lead a person to crave human touch and interaction. He's often in a half-asleep state when he's got nothing to do, however.

All you know is that whenever Spencer has a day off, he's no better than a puppy, chasing after your heels as you walk around the apartment.

You walk into the kitchen, intent on making a cup of morning tea, and he's right behind you, sitting on the counter and rambling sleepily about the reason you feel more awake with certain blends (he doesn't ask, but you always make two cups, a thank you for the lesson).

If you're working from home, he's sitting on the tiny sofa in the study. Flipping through a book, or musing aloud about whatever you're working on, or simply sitting in silence, humming to the Chopin record you've put on.

If you're going to work or school, he doesn't shy away from guilting you about it. Ultimately, you will give in (you never stood a chance), and let him walk with you, grabbing coffee on the way.

He insists that the chores you've both got to do are much more efficient when done in pairs. It's clearly untrue. But, sitting crosslegged on the couch and folding laundry as you watch a documentary on fonts (his choice) is nice enough to make up for the lie.

It's a combination of the grueling emotional turmoil that his work puts him through, the lack of physical and emotional connection he has with many people outside of his teammates, and the fondness he has for the little family unit the two of you have at home.

And you're clearly not in love. Obviously.

[hansoleil]

★ ˙ ̟ ─── . “downfall”.

— cheol × reader. — 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: smut. — 𝘄. 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 3787. — 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: afab reader, toxic ex!cheol, unprotected sex, alcohol, jealousy, choking, a few slaps, oral (f. receiving), anal (just a mention) & inappropriate language. — 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀: so about my obsession with ex-boyfriends...

𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔. cheol is your downfall and vice-versa.

Seven minutes. It had been exactly seven minutes since your night had been ruined. The name of the catastrophe? Choi Seungcheol. Your friends tried to convince you otherwise: it wasn't the end of the world to meet him here. But you were hardheaded. It's one thing to see the screenshots of his stories — that your friends casually sent you with the pure intention of cursing him out in every possible way — and it's another completely different thing to meet him in person for the first time in three weeks.

Everything was going well... a little too well — you should have seen something coming. One minute you were walking to the bar all happy, ready to order another one of those colorful drinks that made you lose a bit of your moral sense, and the next thing you know, you're running into a certain individual who didn't seem really happy to see you there. It was like seeing a ghost, you were sure your expression was mortified.

Now your party companions were trying to bring you back to your senses. There was no reason to feel intimidated by his presence: you were an adult and single, period. From afar, it looked like Rocky Balboa's team instigating him to win another fight. You were waiting for the moment when someone would hand you two boxing gloves and a mouth guard, but it didn't happen — too bad, you would have loved to beat Seungcheol up (he deserved it). The point was: you weren't going to let him ruin your fun. You had agreed to come with the sole intention of moving on, because it was about time.

That was it: tonight Seungcheol didn't exist.

Your biggest problem, however, was to prove to yourself that he, in fact, "didn't exist". Getting him out of your system wasn't an easy thing, not at all. He still left you disoriented without even having to talk to you and that was a bad sign — despite all the time you were apart, you didn't seem to be anywhere near getting over him.

You needed a distraction. Any pretty face would do, after all you didn't want anything serious, just someone who would make you stop thinking for a bit. Sneakily, you separated yourself from your friends, assuring them that you were fine and were just going to look for something to keep your mind busy.

Finding an interesting target wasn't a difficult task, you soon spotted a dark-haired guy leaning against one of the walls in the corner of the club. Judging by his look and posture, he seemed to be looking for the same thing you were: fun. At first, it was hard to approach him and start a conversation. The last person you had flirted with was Seungcheol — your flirting was a little rusty. But since the man also seemed to like you, it didn't take long for him to reciprocate your intentions.

Chatting away... you admitted that besides being handsome, he was also funny — had chosen so well, you wouldn't mind making out with him if the opportunity arose. You took another sip of your drink, still smiling at another one of the blatant pick-up lines he just kept throwing at you. You were hooked on his charming smile, but found it strange how quickly the man's expression turned into one of confusion out of the blue.

Was there something wrong with your hair? Maybe you had messed it up a bit. You raised one of your hands, trying to fix any possible stray strands. The air stopped in your lungs as you felt something wrap around your wrist, followed by a wet nudge on the palm of your hand — which you assumed to be a kiss.

"Princess?", the voice closer than you had anticipated. Okay. So the pressure you felt around your body was not a ghost. In fact...

"Che- Seungcheol?", was "surprised" the correct description? No, maybe "shocked" would fit the situation better. You couldn't understand. You had definitely seen him — you even had the impression that he made sure you knew he was there. But you didn't think he would have the audacity to come close to you.

"Found you, huh? Were you hiding from me, babe?", the loud music didn't refrain you from listening and you knew that your new "admirer" was also able to hear — the embarrassed behavior of the man in front of you wasn't helping you think. "Do you want to introduce me to your... friend?", you couldn't see it, but Seungcheol's face expressed disdain in every detail.

"What are you doing here?", dismissing all his previous questions, you opted to ask one yourself. His hand had already released your wrist and was now resting on your waist, as if it was only natural for him to do so.

"I'm taking care of you.", it had been a while since you last heard him this close, and it wasn't doing your mind any good.

"Do you know him?", a third voice broke through the bubble that surrounded the two of you. You barely had time to open your mouth when Seungcheol interrupted:

"Clearly, she does. And you? Who are you?", he spat the words as if the interruption was completely unwanted — and it really was.

"Wasn't talking to you. Do you know him, ____?", the other man retorted without taking his eyes off yours.

You were nervous. It felt like you were put up against a wall. Nodding, you mumbled a soft 'yes'.

"Still, do you want me to get you out of here?", he offered. Seungcheol let out a low chuckle, a shiver running down your spine. You felt him release your waist, as if he was letting you free to choose.

"Do you wanna go with him or do you want to talk to me, princess?", he took a step back, hands now inside his pockets. It was just an act, Seungcheol didn't doubt your answer for even a second. He knew the choice had already been made as soon as he saw you for the first time that night.

"I'm sorry.", you whispered to the man in front of you, feeling the need to disguise an indecisive expression on your face — as if you really needed to ponder the fact. Turning around embarrassed, you tried doing anything and everything to avoid looking directly at Seungcheol's smug expression. He shrugged at the other man as if to say "well..."

You were starting to wonder if you had given in too easily—but who were you trying to fool? It was Seungcheol.

[...]

The hand placed on the lower part of your back guided you to the bathroom. Avoiding looking around, afraid you were being observed by one of your friends — you didn't need anyone else questioning your morals, your brain was already taking care of that. Being the first to enter the room, you leaned on the sink counter while Seungcheol locked the door.

"Be quick. What is it you want to tell me?", arms crossed, you had finally breathed enough to be able to at least pretend not to be distressed by his presence.

"Oh, me?", he looked up, pretending to think. "I wanted to say that...", he approached you stealthily, as if you were going to attack him at any moment. "...that I miss you.", he confessed, already very close, threatening to put his hands on your waist.

"You made that stupid scene outside just to tell me you miss me?", you questioned incredulously, hated knowing he didn't have a plausible reason for dragging you here.

Well, he did have a reason, but one that you didn't want to hear.

"Missing you isn't enough?", he pouted. You took his hands off your waist as quickly as he put them there.

"No. It's not."

"You're being too cruel."

"And you're playing coy. Say it, Seungcheol. Why did you bring me here?", the use of his name was intentional, he needed to feel cornered in order to admit his own truths. The man sighed in exasperation. Bingo.

"Because I didn't want you near him. Is that what you wanna hear?", he faked a bored expression and that was enough to aggravate you more.

"That's your fucking problem! Do you like acting like an idiot or something? That's exactly why we broke up.", Seungcheol was like that before the relationship started, you don't even know why you expected anything different from him.

"And you think it's safe to trust a guy you just met?", he tried to turn the situation around on you.

"I'm old enough to decide what to do with my own life. I already told you to stop trying to control me, it's ridiculous."

"What's ridiculous is you pretending you didn't want to be here. I didn't force you to come with me, so why all this drama?", it hurt you to admit he had a point, you could have said "no".

"What if I hadn't come, Seungcheol? What would you do?", you both seemed to love rhetorical questions.

"I would have to leave in order to not beat that son of a bitch. Simple as that.", the threat didn't scare you — it wasn't odd of him. Seeing Seungcheol jealous was like finding a fork in the kitchen: trivial. There was no surprise in that.

"Do you hear how stupid you sound? It doesn't make any sense! You don't own me. If I wanted to be with him, I would."

"And do you want it?", he asked immediately, you avoided his eyes at the question — there was no need to answer. His hands went to your waist once again, but you didn't stop him this time. "Look at me, princess. How long are you going to keep pretending? I know you miss me too.", his face was now close, you could feel his warm breath hitting your skin.

"Seungcheol-"

"Cheollie.", he corrected. "Have you forgotten already, babe? It's been so long since I took care of you, right?", Seungcheol pecked your lips, smiling when he saw you getting closer — wanting more. Hand trailing gently between your legs, caressing your sensitive bud over your panties. "Missed me, yeah?", if you were more inexperienced you would think the man was talking to you — but you knew very well he was talking to your pussy, a strange habit. "Are your little fingers enough, princess?"

"Yes.", you agreed, trying to sound convincing.

"You sure you're not lying? I can see it on your face, princess. Getting all squirmy just listening to my voice.", he lifted your dress and picked you up carefully, placing your body on the counter. "When was the last time someone else played with this little pussy, baby?", already taking off your panties, as if it was usual. Pursing your lips, you weren't able to answer. "I was the last one, wasn't I?", he chuckled — his sounding more like a statement than a question. "It's no fun having sex with someone who doesn't know how to fuck you properly, right?", you could only think about how Seungcheol seemed to talk too much — part of it was true and the other part was a result of your wounded pride, you hated the fact that he was right. You frowned, irritated. "What's wrong? Do you think that bastard outside can make you this wet?"

"How about you just shut the fuck up and get on with it?" you barked, horniness and irritation fighting for the center stage of your brain.

"You've been without me for just a little and you're already being bratty again?", his fingers caressing your folds in a feather-light touch. "Do I need to remind you of your place?" he questioned, slapping your clit as a warning. Your body tensed, relaxing when you felt the same fingers massaging the swollen bud.

He carefully worked you open with two fingers, his eyes trained on your. The man smiled as soon as he felt how drenched you were. Thrusting a few times, he watched your face contort. Cheol slowly withdrew them, putting the same fingers inside your mouth. You showed no resistance, cleaning them up. He bent down with a spark in his face, loving your expectant expression. And that was the last thing you saw, eyes closing as soon as Seungcheol practically swallowed your pussy.

His restless tongue stimulating you in a sloppy movement, dipping inside your hole with easy, drool dripping everywhere. Your hands grabbed his hair as he captured your little clit between his lips, sucking it in a way that made your skin crawl. You moaned softly, not understanding how you had managed to stay without him for so long. He stood up slowly, leaving a trail of wet kisses on your body.

Seungcheol wrapped your face between his hands, pulling you into a kiss full of yearning. It was a bit of a mess, he acted like he would never be able to kiss you ever again. You could feel the desire and desperation mixed together — it was driving you insane. You did what you could to reciprocate, feeling lost now that he was starting to steal your oxygen. A rustling noise echoed on the room, followed by the sound of a zipper. He left your lips for a few seconds, just enough to guide his tip to your glistening slit. He went back to the kiss, both of you moaning sensitively as he sunk down on you.

Seungcheol seemed to have lost his arrogant demeanor, growling vulnerable against your lips, thrusting with need. He was indecisive, torn between kissing you properly and fucking you the way he wanted. Your body shivered with everything, you felt stretched open — him deep inside you. Kissing him felt like breathing again, but there was another part of you that seemed to be much more needy for Seungcheol — and it was to this part that you decided to give in. You broke the kiss with difficulty, the man didn't want to let go of you. Placing your palms behind your body to support your weight, you opened your legs even more.

"Fuck me...", you mumbled, breath hitching. You heard the man grunt as he grabbed your hips, pulling you to the edge of the counter. His thrusts grew harsher, almost animalistic. Bodies burning more, the wet sound from when your bodies collided buzzing inside your ears. You surprised yourself when you came, the wave of pleasure intoxicating your mind. Legs trembling, throwing your head back, not knowing what to do with yourself.

Dizzy, you called out to him. Your arms no longer had the strength to support your body weight, you could feel them shaking as you tried to stay in the same position. The man's hands forcing your legs open didn't help you much either.

"Open up for me," he demanded with authority. Seungcheol didn't even need to explain, you already knew what he meant — you were used to it, you'd done it more times than you could remember. You rested your forearm completely on the cold marble, afraid you'd fall if you tried to support yourself with just one hand, your torso lowering as a consequence. You felt him withdrawing in a slow movement, the man knew that this caused you a tingling sensation — he did it just to see your face twisting.

Your trembling hand went down to your spent pussy as soon as he finally pulled out completely. Fingers separating your folds, fully "opening up" to Seungcheol.

"Fuck, just like that...", he started jerking off vigorously, eyes focused on the middle of your legs. The crease between his eyebrows became more evident, mouth opening with sensitivity, letting his breath escape unhindered. You watched him guide the tip right to your hole, knowing exactly what was coming. Your walls tightened against nothing when he finally came, making sure to spill it right on top of your pussy - he didn't even close his eyes, just to watch his cum dripping.

His hand closed around your neck without much pressure, just to pull you in for a dirty kiss.

He devoured your lips skillfully, biting and sucking on them with hunger. Using his tongue in an obscene way, as if he was fucking your mouth with it — even smiling while at it, because he knew you thought the same way. You were so blissed out, you almost didn't notice when his other hand slipped between your legs again. His two fingers collecting the dripping whitish liquid and sticking it inside your hole. You tried to grab Cheol's wrist, still too sensitive. It was no use, he was clearly stronger than you, continuing to stimulate you with ease.

"Trying to waste it, princess? Then I'll have to give you more.", he whispered against your lips, still smiling at the way you tried to refuse his fingers. "Turn that ass for me.", he patted your thigh to reinforce the command — a not-so-strange possibility popping up in your mind. What if he...? Your eyes widened and he had the audacity to laugh at your expression. "That's not what I meant, princess... not today, at least.", he lifted an eyebrow. "And don't act like this, I know you miss that too.", he tried to contain his laughter. "Don't worry, I'm just playing with this little pussy today.", he assured you, sticking the tip of his thumb in your used hole. "Hurry."

You sighed, struggling to lift your tired body from the counter. He helped you as soon as he lost patience with your slowness. It didn't take long for you to finally be facing the mirror, feeling his rigid body pressed against yours. Looking in the mirror, you couldn't be startled by your state, the man behind you had already ruined you so many times it wasn't even worth the surprise anymore.

"You look so fucking hot like this, princess.", he nuzzled your neck affectionately, his strong arms surrounding your waist. "All worn-out after getting fucked so good, right?", he now massaged your breasts carefully. "Do you like being like this, babe? Looking all dumb for my cock?", his tone made you wet in a very embarrassing way. Seungcheol wasn't drunk, but it was noticeable that he had had a drink or two — he was too uninhibited, too cruel.

"Cheollie..."

"Do you like it?" he squeezed your nipples painfully, demanding an answer.

"I do."

"Now, it wasn't so hard, was it? Gonna fuck you a little more, princess. So you can remember who owns this pussy.", he gave two or three light slaps, reaffirming his own words. Seungcheol used his legs to force yours open, thrusting himself inside you easily — you were still drenched, his previous actions helping the process. You felt your legs weaken. Knowing it wouldn't be long before you came again you decided to play with your luck. You were one of the few people in the world who, in their right mind, had the courage to play with Seungcheol's ego.

"You don't own me.", you forced the words out between gasps — having him so deep inside you didn't help you with your diction.

"Repeat it.", he sounded stern and that only made your situation worse. "I told you to repeat it.", the force of his thrusts increased. You had to hold your own body weight with your palms, otherwise you would've fallen face first on the counter.

"Cheol..."

"You can't even speak and still think you can decide anything?", he chuckled smugly.

The growing pleasure was overwhelming your senses to the point you felt like crying. Arching your body even more, squirming with how good he was fucking your pussy. You whimpered softly, trying to contain yourself. Your body was pulled swiftly, the man's chest now completely glued to your back. His pace was now slower, but the thrusts were still harsh — slow and strong. Your eyes squeezed shut, you didn't know how much more you could take.

"Open your eyes.", as always, the command came with something to inflict a little pain on you, this time your hair was the target. It was far from being effective, only making you squeeze your eyes tighter. "Fucking open it or I'll stop."

Now that was effective. You obeyed with difficulty, glimpsing one of the most filthy scenes you had ever seen. Seungcheol gave you a depraved look through the reflection of the mirror. Your body shaking, breasts bouncing as he fucked you, promiscuous. The sound of your skin clashing echoing through the bathroom also didn't help. His hand trailed up to your neck, closing itself against your throat again.

"So I don't own you, right?", he whispered, his orbs still staring at yours through the reflection.

"N-no.", you don't know where you found the strength to keep teasing, being so close to come undone again.

"But who's making your little pussy cum? Hm?", he squeezed your neck, very pleased with your face. "Are you letting someone else fuck you by any chance? I bet you didn't.", his calloused fingers caressed your clit, your eyes almost rolling back. "You wouldn't do that, would you, babe? You're not a slut...", he whispered the last part, he knew it was degrading — and, even worse, he knew it turned you on. "You only know how to act like a little slut with me, right, princess? I didn't even need to try much. It was so easy making you give it to me.", he slapped your thighs a few times, as if reprimanding you for the mentioned fact — totally contradictory. "But it's just because you love me, yeah?", he groaned softly, pushing himself deeper. You nodded, your eyes closed, completely surrendered. "Do you love me? Say it.", he growled close to your ear, feeling you cumming. Your pussy gushed again, body shaking as you climaxed.

"I love you.", it was just a weak whisper, but you knew he had heard it — the big smile he gave you in the reflection made it quite clear. You felt him thrust a few more times, staying close when he finally filled you up, cumming deep inside you. A chaste peck was left on your shoulder.

"Such a pretty girl...", he admired your ruined state in the mirror. You looked exhausted, whoever saw you would be able to assume what Seungcheol had done to you. "I love you so much, princess... will you stay with me, baby? Will you let me take care of you again?", his tone was pleading, big eyes seemed to shine more than ever.

You didn't need much time to think, this choice had also been made along with the first one. You were never in a position to deny Seungcheol anything.

The two of you were each other's downfall.

# — © 2025 hansoleil ᯓ★ masterlist.

[seitmai]

Many thoughts

“Yes! Tell me he’s spoiling you the way he’s spoiling us today.” You shrank back in your seat a bit. It wasn’t that it was the first time you were the center of attention with your friends, but it overwhelmed you specifically since it concerned Bucky. “Well, he bought me this outfit. And he has bought me a ton of books since I love to read,” you answered. You weren’t about to say that he transferred a ton of money into your account. “And on our first date he gave me a diamond necklace.”

Oh no being the center of attention is bad, but because of Bucky, the person that she wants to not really think or talk about? Arguably worse

“We all know you aren’t going to flaunt any gift he gets you, but you should’ve seen the way he looked at you. He had hearts in his eyes,” Gina smiled. You tried to smile back. There were hearts alright, along with some darkness that they weren’t aware of. “I’m surprised he even looked at us.” “Yeah, he’s… kind of intense like that,” you said. That was the word you’d go with. “Intense isn’t necessarily bad.” Addison scooted closer to you. “And you’re happy, right? He treats you well?”

Intense is one way to describe it...

If being treated like a doll, having you followed, and showering you with affection while messing with your head was meant to make you happy… “He thinks we’re soulmates. That we were meant to find each other and be together. It’s… a lot,” you said carefully. “I haven’t had anyone who seems to need me the way he does, especially so quickly.” “Soulmates? Wow,” Addison said. “I can see why you’d say it’s a lot.”

And with a lot she really means A LOT

“Ahh! You beautiful slut! Thigh riding is so hot!” If anyone ever needed a hype girl or enabler, Dana was the one to call. “And what are you waiting for?! Let him fuck you and eat your kitty. Do it for us.”

Do it for us lmao

“Hey. There’s nothing wrong with waiting,” Addison promised. Of all of your friends, she’d snap if Bucky ever hurt you. “You wait as long as you want.”

Period

“I’m texting my man and telling him you got a diamond necklace.” Dana quickly typed something on her phone. “He needs to step up his game.”

Fair hahha this is the only way to use Buckys affection for good 😅

You were on the verge of tears. They were happy for you, but didn't seem to notice your discomfort. You didn’t blame them. Not at all. It was your fault for not being truthful about the true nature of your relationship. That wedge you imagined Bucky was trying to drive between you and your friends felt real and they didn't even know.

💔💔💔

“Wow. If you’re considering that it’s either because you’re going along with what he wants or you really care about him. I hope it’s the latter,” she said, her brows pinching in concern. “But, listen, if you aren’t ready for that, he has to understand you haven’t dated in some time and you should go at the pace that makes you feel comfortable. I’m sure he’ll understand and it shouldn’t change how he feels.”

She's a good friend 🫶🏻

Your words caught in your throat. The pace wasn’t yours to control, even if Natasha said you had power. There was no choice in moving in and you wish you could blurt out every single thing that transpired, but the words refused to come out. Because all you could think about was what would happen to Addison, and she didn’t deserve any kind of pain.

This just breaks my heart 💔

You blinked tears away before you hugged her. You were lucky to have a friend like her. “A frying pan? What happened to a shovel?” you teased. “Frying pan is more accessible,” she teased back, giving you a squeeze. “Now let’s go. We have some wine to try.”

Fair 😅

You inhaled. Bucky, Bucky, Bucky. Everything went back to him, and you had to say something. “You know what I should tell her?” You smiled as they listened expectantly. “I should tell her that even though Bucky is rich and handsome and could have anyone he wants, he stalked me and coerced me into being his girlfriend. You think her head will still explode, or will she just laugh?” The table went silent as you sipped your wine before they burst out laughing. A few heads turned your way from the sound, and you didn’t crack a smile when Ray made eye contact with you. Had he heard what you said?

Iconic!! Let it out!!

“What?” Bucky growled. He could be angry all he wanted. You didn’t care. “This isn’t something to argue about or negotiate, I need you safe and-” “Safe? You need me to be safe?” you asked, trying to stay calm amidst the storm inside you. “Has it occurred to you that the entire reason I’m not safe is because of you? That the only reason Zemo even cares about following me is because I’m your girl?”

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

“But you didn’t, Bucky. You didn’t let me know what I was getting into. One look at me and you made the decision for me and sealed my fate,” you continued, looking sadly at Ray. “So while I’m thinking of you today like you wanted, I want you to think of me and that target you painted on my back and my loved ones. And think about if you really love me the way you say you do.”

I love that she makes him rethink his choices! Not sure how useful it is but still!

“I’m finishing the day with my friends. Ray will stay here with me. I also need to go to my place before I go to the penthouse,” you said. If he wanted you there so badly, he could bend a bit since you were in no direct danger at the moment. “And don’t expect a happy conversation like we had this morning.”

Good for her!

You stared at your own glass, dread filling your stomach. You felt perfectly fine, but they looked tired. Was it possible that someone slipped something in their drinks or food? Did Ray do something or did Bucky set something up in order to make you leave? Or were you just being paranoid?

Oh no 🙈

You read the message twice. A flat tire? You were about to type back to Bucky that you already left the limo when you heard a familiar voice by the elevator. “It’s about time you got back.”

Not good😬

Hold You Tight: Part 19

Pairing: Club Owner!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Fic Summary: The owner of The 107th wants you to be his girl whether you like it or not.

Part 18 | Series Masterlist | Part 20

Chapter Word Count: Over 4.2k

Chapter Summary: Your day out with your friends isn't as relaxing as you want it to be.

Chapter Warnings: DARK AU, drinking, suspected drugging, reference to stalking and violence, your friends are cheering you on, inner turmoil, stubborn reader, Bucky Barnes (he's a warning, okay?), more warnings to come.

A/N: More Hold You Tight! Thank you again for sticking with me! Bucky edit by the beautiful @nixakimbo . ❤️ Beta read by the lovely @whisperlullaby but any and all mistakes are my own. Divider by the talented @firefly-in-darkness . Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

You wished you could say you breathed easier as the limo pulled away, but you didn’t. You felt Bucky’s piercing eyes on you, watching until you were completely out of sight. He still wasn’t “out of sight, out of mind.” He made sure you’d think about him, and Ray was following in his vehicle. Even glancing quickly at the limo partition you could see that it was cracked. Was the driver one of Bucky’s men?

“Okay, so your new boyfriend is stupidly hot and loaded,” Dana said, her eyes darting around the limo. “You should be proud of yourself. Holy shit.”

“I should be proud of somehow snagging a hot and loaded guy?” you laughed a little. You always told yourself money wasn’t a factor as long as the love was there.

“Yes! Tell me he’s spoiling you the way he’s spoiling us today.”

You shrank back in your seat a bit. It wasn’t that it was the first time you were the center of attention with your friends, but it overwhelmed you specifically since it concerned Bucky. “Well, he bought me this outfit. And he has bought me a ton of books since I love to read,” you answered. You weren’t about to say that he transferred a ton of money into your account. “And on our first date he gave me a diamond necklace.”

The girls gasped. “Clothes, books, and a diamond necklace?! Yeah, be proud and fucking flaunt it,” Dana encouraged. She had to be half teasing since she knew that wasn’t your style. “Gina, Addison, back me up here.”

“We all know you aren’t going to flaunt any gift he gets you, but you should’ve seen the way he looked at you. He had hearts in his eyes,” Gina smiled. You tried to smile back. There were hearts alright, along with some darkness that they weren’t aware of. “I’m surprised he even looked at us.”

“Yeah, he’s… kind of intense like that,” you said. That was the word you’d go with.

“Intense isn’t necessarily bad.” Addison scooted closer to you. “And you’re happy, right? He treats you well?”

If being treated like a doll, having you followed, and showering you with affection while messing with your head was meant to make you happy… “He thinks we’re soulmates. That we were meant to find each other and be together. It’s… a lot,” you said carefully. “I haven’t had anyone who seems to need me the way he does, especially so quickly.”

“Soulmates? Wow,” Addison said. “I can see why you’d say it’s a lot.”

You could’ve hugged her. Maybe she saw through some of the charade. If she did, that could also put her in danger if she spoke out.

“Or maybe he just knows what he wants and he’s an all in kind of guy,” Dana commented. She had no idea. “Wait! Have you two had sex?!”

“No, we haven’t had sex yet,” you answered. Just him jerking off over the phone and some heavy petting and jerking off again with you nearby. “But he really wants to sleep with me and I did ride his thigh,” you mumbled.

It was still clear as day in your head, how he encouraged you to get off, his lips against yours. You didn’t want to think about it, but Bucky got his way and invaded your thoughts. It was inevitable.

“Ahh! You beautiful slut! Thigh riding is so hot!” If anyone ever needed a hype girl or enabler, Dana was the one to call. “And what are you waiting for?! Let him fuck you and eat your kitty. Do it for us.”

“Hey. There’s nothing wrong with waiting,” Addison promised. Of all of your friends, she’d snap if Bucky ever hurt you. “You wait as long as you want.”

You were trying to wait, but it was only a matter of time before you had to sleep with him. “It’s just…”

“Are you worried that his feelings will fade once you two have sex?” Gina asked.

“I’m not worried about his feelings diminishing,” you said with complete sincerity. His feelings wouldn’t waver, even if his actions screamed love-bombing. “I just… I guess I never pictured myself dating someone who owns a nightclub. He just seems out of my league.”

And he was someone who had very dangerous ties.

“No, we don’t put ourselves down here. Every league is your league, and he should be honored to be your guy.” Dana clapped her hands together. “Ooh! What if we do a big date night at his club? We bring our guys, and we can all hang out?”

Your eyes widened. “I… Maybe,” you replied. It would just be another chance for Bucky to charm them, and it felt like you’d be asking him for a favor by letting your friends in. He’d probably love it.

“I’m texting my man and telling him you got a diamond necklace.” Dana quickly typed something on her phone. “He needs to step up his game.”

You were on the verge of tears. They were happy for you, but didn't seem to notice your discomfort. You didn’t blame them. Not at all. It was your fault for not being truthful about the true nature of your relationship. That wedge you imagined Bucky was trying to drive between you and your friends felt real and they didn't even know.

“As fun as it is talking about Bucky, maybe we can talk about something else?” you smiled, nudging Addison. You didn’t want this whole day to be about Bucky and your relationship. “Your big day is getting closer.”

“Yes, it is,” she smiled.

You relaxed in the seat when the conversation shifted to the wedding and found yourself smiling and laughing through the rest of the ride. Bucky still lingered in your mind since he’d be at the wedding. The nice part was that since you were in the bridal party, he couldn’t spend the entire day with you.

“We’re here!” Addison smiled as the limo eventually came to a stop.

You were the last to get out and you took a deep breath. The winery was the perfect mix of relaxation, beauty, and good vibes. The lush vineyard stretched across the hills, and you wished for a moment you could run through them and disappear. The sun on your face brought you back to the present and made you smile, and you couldn't wait to sample some wine with the girls. You had a right to enjoy your time.

“You coming?” Dana asked.

“You two go ahead. We’ll be right in,” Addison said, linking her arm with yours and leading you away from the limo. You tensed up only for a moment when you saw Ray’s vehicle in the distance. It didn’t look completely out of place though since there were other cars and people around. “Okay, what’s up? You seem on edge.”

“I do?” you asked. You thought she didn’t notice, and you should’ve known better.

“Yeah. Is it work? Or is it about Bucky?” You tensed up again. “Did you think we wouldn’t like him?”

“No, that’s not it. It’s just a lot really fast, that’s all,” you said, leaning in to whisper, “I didn’t want to say it in the limo, but he wants me to move in with him.”

She stopped walking. “Whoa. Okay, that is fast, but some couples do move quickly in whirlwind romances, so I wouldn’t say it’s completely out of the ordinary. Brady and I knew right away that we wanted to be together,” she said. What she had with Brady was pure, and you could’ve possibly had that with Bucky in another life. “Maybe Dana’s right that he just knows what he wants and he wants to go all in.”

“He’s very much all in,” you agreed.

“Are you considering moving in with him?”

“Maybe,” you said. Bucky was going to force his hand either way.

“Wow. If you’re considering that it’s either because you’re going along with what he wants or you really care about him. I hope it’s the latter,” she said, her brows pinching in concern. “But, listen, if you aren’t ready for that, he has to understand you haven’t dated in some time and you should go at the pace that makes you feel comfortable. I’m sure he’ll understand and it shouldn’t change how he feels.”

Your words caught in your throat. The pace wasn’t yours to control, even if Natasha said you had power. There was no choice in moving in and you wish you could blurt out every single thing that transpired, but the words refused to come out. Because all you could think about was what would happen to Addison, and she didn’t deserve any kind of pain.

“And if I do care about him and want to move in?” you asked.

“You know we’ll support whatever you do, but think about it carefully because that’s a big step. And if things go south, you tell us right away so we can help,” she said, giving you a small smile. “He may be your boyfriend, but you’re still my best friend and I was here first. I’ll smack him with a frying pan if he messes up.”

You blinked tears away before you hugged her. You were lucky to have a friend like her. “A frying pan? What happened to a shovel?” you teased.

“Frying pan is more accessible,” she teased back, giving you a squeeze. “Now let’s go. We have some wine to try.”

Ray kept a respectable distance from your table and didn’t make eye contact as he pretended to read while sipping his drink. You were glad for that since your friends didn’t seem to take notice of him as you all ate and sampled various wines. Though you were having a great time, you hardly drank a drop. You wanted to stay on guard in case Bucky decided to crash the outing.

“Oh, we need to take a bottle of this home,” Dana said, pointing at her empty glass. “And where the hell is your cousin?!”

“She bailed.” Addison rolled her eyes. “That's exactly why she’s not in the wedding party. I can’t rely on her.”

“That and she’s a bitch,” Dana said unapologetically while pointing at you. “We know she would’ve said something shitty about you and Bucky, and we don’t need that bad energy.”

You scoffed. Addison’s cousin was the type who always had to one-up someone or try to tear them down so she felt better about herself. You tried to see the best in others, but you were admittedly glad she wasn’t there today. “I’m sure she’ll have something to say at the wedding.”

“If she does say anything, don’t listen to her,” Addison urged. “Or say something back to shut her down.”

“Rub it in her face how hot and rich Bucky is,” Dana grinned, nudging you with her elbow. “Her head will explode.”

You inhaled. Bucky, Bucky, Bucky. Everything went back to him, and you had to say something. “You know what I should tell her?” You smiled as they listened expectantly. “I should tell her that even though Bucky is rich and handsome and could have anyone he wants, he stalked me and coerced me into being his girlfriend. You think her head will still explode, or will she just laugh?”

The table went silent as you sipped your wine before they burst out laughing. A few heads turned your way from the sound, and you didn’t crack a smile when Ray made eye contact with you. Had he heard what you said?

Dana laughed so hard she wheezed. “You don’t understand. I need you to tell her that just to see the look on her face. Please. I beg of you.”

“And make sure Bucky’s in on the joke, too,” Gina giggled.

Your heart sank. Their safety came first, but the reaction was another reason you didn’t say anything. Who would possibly believe you? He was a rich and powerful man and you were merely a florist. “Maybe I can say something that’s not quite so dark,” you smiled.

Addison stared at you curiously before she shook her head. “You and your sense of humor,” she teased, drinking the rest of her glass. “But if you could shut her up, I’ll be thankful.”

Your phone dinged before you could respond, and you almost spit up the little wine you had when you saw a message from Bucky.

“Call me. Now.”

Direct. No sweet words. Oh, no.

“Is that your loverboy?” Dana wiggled her eyebrows.

“As a matter of fact it is and he’s asking for me to call him. Do you mind if…”

“Go. We’ll be right here,” Addison smiled.

Your legs felt a bit rubbery as you walked outside and took a look around to make sure no one was nearby. What if he had a bug in your phone and he heard what you said? Oh, God. You were so stupid.

Pressing his name on your phone, you let out a shaky breath when he immediately picked up. “Kotyonok, I need you to come back,” he replied, his tone stern. Upset.

You swallowed. God, he did hear you. You could convince him it was a joke, right? No one had to get hurt. “Why, what’s wrong?” you asked, your tone remarkably calm. “We aren’t done with our samples.”

“You were followed to Addison’s this morning by one of Zemo’s men. Ray and I both spotted him.” There were muffled noises in the background. “I just finished… talking to him.”

“I was followed?” you whispered, your heart sinking for a completely different reason now. The day you went out with your friends someone followed you? “What did he want?”

“I can explain more later, but he had a ‘look, but don’t touch’ order. I broke his fingers anyway.” You closed your eyes. He sounded proud of himself. “I have some business to attend to for the rest of the day and I have to go to the club after, which is why I need you back at home.”

Ray appearing behind you almost made you drop your phone. “Jesus, Ray,” you gasped, your heart nearly beating out of your chest.

“I’m sorry,” he said, briefly resting a hand on your shoulder. “Boss messaged me to bring you home.”

“Yeah, I’m talking to him right now,” you said, narrowing your eyes. “And I’m not going home right now. I'm not leaving.”

“What?” Bucky growled. He could be angry all he wanted. You didn’t care. “This isn’t something to argue about or negotiate, I need you safe and-”

“Safe? You need me to be safe?” you asked, trying to stay calm amidst the storm inside you. “Has it occurred to you that the entire reason I’m not safe is because of you? That the only reason Zemo even cares about following me is because I’m your girl?”

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know I painted the very target on your back by falling for you? I’m well aware of that fact, but I’m also the one who can keep you safe.” He sounded almost as vulnerable as he did when he talked about his mom. “So just… come home.”

You chewed the inside of your cheek. Home. “You know, there are a lot of dangerous people out there who have families and loved ones. And I’m sure some of them are blissfully unaware of what goes on behind the scenes, but not all of them are. Some are very well aware of what their partners do for a living because they were told what they were getting into.”

“Kotyonok-”

“But you didn’t, Bucky. You didn’t let me know what I was getting into. One look at me and you made the decision for me and sealed my fate,” you continued, looking sadly at Ray. “So while I’m thinking of you today like you wanted, I want you to think of me and that target you painted on my back and my loved ones. And think about if you really love me the way you say you do.”

“I do love you,” he breathed. It would be nice to believe that. “Come home, please, and we’ll talk when I get back from the club.”

“I’m finishing the day with my friends. Ray will stay here with me. I also need to go to my place before I go to the penthouse,” you said. If he wanted you there so badly, he could bend a bit since you were in no direct danger at the moment. “And don’t expect a happy conversation like we had this morning.”

One step forward, two steps back.

“I’ll just be happy that you’re safe,” he said, which only infuriated you more. You couldn’t make out what he ordered to someone else, but the muffled noises picked up again. “Leave in thirty minutes. The driver will drop your friends off and he’ll take you to the apartment. Ray will take you home from there.”

“Two hours,” you stated just to be stubborn.

“One hour,” he countered. “Or I’ll drive there myself.”

You huffed, but didn’t want to test him. “Fine. I’ll leave in one hour.” The girls would understand if you made some excuse.

“Thank you,” he exhaled. He really did sound relieved. “I love you. I’ll see you later this evening.”

You waited a beat. “Think about what I said.” Ray waited patiently as you hung up. “Have I told you that your boss is a pain in the ass?”

“He certainly is, but he is correct that your safety is important,” he agreed, gently stopping you before you went back inside. “If you aren’t in the limo in one hour, he will come after you.”

“I know,” you sighed. Bucky would be dramatic like that. And protective. “Someone was really following me?” you asked in a small voice. Bucky had no reason to lie unless he was trying to get you away from your friends.

Ray nodded solemnly. “It could’ve been to report your movements back to Zemo, but I’d have to ask the boss for more details since I didn’t get to interrogate him myself.”

“I do appreciate you both spotting him,” you complimented, even if Bucky violently handled it. You shouldn’t have expected anything less.

“Of course.” There was a ghost of a smile on his face. “You were wrong, you know.”

Your brows pinched. “About what?”

“Your strength. You handled that well all things considered,” he answered.

“You’re only saying that because you can’t read my mind,” you said. It was a mess. But you hadn’t broken down or cried, so that was a plus.

For a moment you thought he’d laugh, but he merely nodded to the building. “Better go join your friends before they miss you.”

“Thanks, Ray,” you whispered, putting a smile back on your face as you walked back inside and headed back to the table.

Addison held up two fingers. “You missed two more rounds of samples.”

“I guess I'll have to catch up,” you teased. “And would anyone object to leaving in an hour? Bucky’s planning a romantic evening for the two of us, and I need to stop by my apartment before I head over to his place,” you said. It was partially true. “If you all want to stay, I’ll get an uber and you can take the limo.”

“An hour’s fine.” Dana blinked a few times. “Anyone else tired? I’m a little tired.”

Gina covered her mouth when she yawned. “Yeah, I am, too.”

“I feel fine,” you said, frowning when Addison yawned, too. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, but a nap sounds good right about now,” she said, pushing her now empty glass away and checking the time. “It is kind of late. It’ll be night time when we get back.”

You stared at your own glass, dread filling your stomach. You felt perfectly fine, but they looked tired. Was it possible that someone slipped something in their drinks or food? Did Ray do something or did Bucky set something up in order to make you leave? Or were you just being paranoid?

“Is everyone okay?” you asked. It felt like too much of a coincidence that they all felt tired after you came back to the table. “Should we just leave right now?”

“I’m fine. I was just up really late last night,” Addison answered. Dana and Gina nodded in agreement.

“Maybe we should cut back on the samples and stick with water,” you suggested.

“You’ve always been the sensible one,” Dana said, resting her chin in her hand. “But can we still buy some bottles?”

“Yeah. As many as we want,” you promised. Bucky did say he’d spoil you, so why not?

Exactly one hour later, you were back in the limo with the girls and plenty of bottles. Unlike the ride over, the ride back was much quieter. You thought Addison would fall asleep on your shoulder at one point and Dana actually did fall asleep at one point for a few minutes. They somehow didn’t stumble on the way to the limo, and it would’ve impressed you if you weren’t so worried.

“Are you sure you girls are okay? Should we go to the hospital?” you asked.

“Why would we do that? We drank more at my bachelorette party than we did today. We’re fine,” Addison assured you. “You worry too much.”

You had good reason to worry. “This sounds crazy, but did you drug my friends? I need to know if I should take them to the hospital.” you messaged Bucky. If he did something to them…

He typed something back right away. “How could I possibly drug your friends when I wasn’t there? Is everyone okay?”

Did he actually care? “I’m fine, but they’re very drowsy and I’m worried.”

“Ray kept me updated and he didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. None of Zemo’s men were there. I didn't do anything either. Did any of them complain that they were dizzy? Nauseous? Did anyone pass out?”

“No, but it could've been something like Benadryl to make them drowsy and get me to possibly leave faster.” Or punish you by mentioning the stalking thing, if he knew, and show you that his reach expanded beyond the city.

“That’s a very creative method to get you to leave, but lots of wine can make anyone drowsy and I have no reason to do that to your friends. I think our conversation may have scared you a bit since Zemo had someone watching you and you’re understandably worried for your friends.”

You looked around at your friends. They did drink a lot more wine than you, and drugging people didn’t seem to be Bucky’s style. Zemo’s men weren’t there. Maybe you were being paranoid and the girls really were just tired. Being part of Bucky’s circle just made you question everything.

“Okay. I’m trusting you.” You had to.

“Thank you. Your worry aside, it sounds like you girls had fun though from what I heard. Maybe the next day out can be at my club. Could be fun.”

You gasped. Did he know what Dana suggested? No, no, no. You weren’t falling down that rabbit hole, and didn’t send any texts back for the rest of the drive.

Brady and the other guys were waiting on the curb when the limo stopped at Addison’s. You were the only one who didn’t get out, but you gave each of them hugs and helped hand out the wine to their significant others. They seemed a bit more awake, so maybe they were just fine. “Love you girls. And, guys, keep an eye on them. They had quite a few samples,” you said. You’d have to text each of them later to check on them.

“Love you,” the girls echoed before the door shut.

The driver headed in the direction of your place after a minute. What were you going to say to Bucky when you saw him? Would you scream at him for putting you in danger, or would you just accept that this was your life? It was a continuous losing battle the more you fought.

The morning you had with Bucky, minus the groping, had been somewhat nice. Could it be like that all the time if you tried? Could it be better if he loosened the reins?

“Thank you,” you said when the limo stopped and the partition rolled down a few inches. “How much do I owe you?”

“Mr. Barnes took care of that, miss, but if you’ll allow me-”

“Oh, no. Please don’t get out. I got it,” you smiled, letting yourself out. You scanned the street for Ray’s car, but didn’t see it. He was likely waiting for the limo to pull away.

Two steps into your building, your phone dinged. “What now?” you muttered when you opened a text from Bucky.

“Ray got a flat tire. Stay in the limo.”

You read the message twice. A flat tire? You were about to type back to Bucky that you already left the limo when you heard a familiar voice by the elevator. “It’s about time you got back.”

You couldn’t breathe when you found a pair of blue eyes staring at you. “Clark… what are you doing here?”

Oh, I hope you lovelies are prepared for the next part. And what do we think of your friends? And were they just drowsy or did something happen? Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[reidrum]

now you’ve got me thinking about slow dancing with spence n how he would be so out of his comfort zone at first but then when he realizes he just gets to hold u as tight as possible while swaying to an old timey jazz tune he relaxes into it n maybe even lets his head fall on ur shoulder so u can run ur fingers through his hair (aka the best method to get his mind to stop racing) :((((((

okay YES because evidence #A spencer dancing with maeve in his dream and then he just melts into her oh im sick BUT…

(this REALLY got away from me oh my god apologies…)

it’s funny to me cuz in my head i see this turning into a bit of a pavlov situation like stay with me for a second.

spencer reid does not dance, and not because he doesn’t want to but because the opportunity never really presents himself and it’s not something he thinks was ever needed in his life. he’s in the fbi they travel so much there’s maybe like two bureau events that are maybe solid excuses for dancing but even he’s able to evade them if needed.

but spencer reid loves music and specifically loves listening to classical music and old jazz in his stringed earbuds on the way back from a case or on his commute in the metro. and you know, because he just is so burdened with knowledge he feels the music so deeply in his veins because he can analyze the time period the content the musicality of it all and understand it in a way deeper and more intellectual way than anyone would understand obviously.

then you walk into his life and suddenly spencer reid has met his match and he’s so flabbergasted by your ability to argue back his points on the history of jazz or what the influence of classical composers really meant for the future of music and he can’t tell if he’s intimidated by you or in love with you but he decides it’s the latter when you both share his earbuds flying back from a case and you fall asleep on his shoulder to the soft crooning of duke ellington

fast forward you and spencer reid are dating now and moved in together and learning to coexist with each other which is when he finds out that in the confines of solitude you both enjoy music very differently. spencer reid loves to sit on the couch or his desk and have the record playing in the back deep in thought of the complexity of the lyrics and occasionally singing out a few lines here and there, fairly sedentary with it. you, however, love to play it in the background as you move about the apartment doing chores and menial things, dancing and swinging along to the jazz beats.

spencer reid loves to watch you dance and move about the space especially when you can’t tell he’s watching because well one, duh it’s so cliche of course he loves that, but two you have this sort of calming air to you that spencer reid didn’t really know existed or even needed in his life until he met you and things just started feeling lighter and less tight with you around.

and so it becomes a little routine even though along the way you’ve caught him watching and have tried to get him to join you but he says no because he just loves watching you be full of joy. spencer reid is honestly a little embarrassed of his dancing skills and would rather save himself the horror of tripping over his two feet and falling into you. not that you’d ever judge him of course, he knows you love him.

it continues like that until one day it’s a really bad case, silent on the jet ride back honestly no one’s in a decent mood to do anything but sleep so no music no cards no conversation just silence. and it’s heavy even when you both reach home and silently part ways to do your own thing—spencer reid will go take a long hot shower and finish laundry for the both of you and you’ll go to the kitchen and figure out something to make for dinner.

you’ll eventually get too in thought about how quiet it is and go put a record on and slowly let the music revive you as you continue to make dinner. spencer reid finally emerges from the shower feeling like the hot water has knocked all his defenses down and he just desperately needs to be with you right now or else he’ll implode. he’ll walk into the kitchen and hears your soft singing mixing with ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong’s cheek to cheek with your hips swaying gently to the beat, and it’s like he can literally feel his heartbeat slowing down.

it’s at this point spencer reid feels like a moth to a flame with how easily his feet carry him to you, wrapping his arms around your waist while he molds his body against you resting his head on your shoulder. you startle for a moment and then relax into him continuing to sway to the music, unintentionally making him move along with you. spencer reid will then startle for a minute but immediately relax into you again when he realizes all he has to do is hold on to you, something he knows he is very good at.

he’s not at all shocked at the calming effects this contact has on him, he knows the statistics of how joint proximity skin to skin contact contributes to suppressed sympathetic nervous system response. spencer reid is more shocked at the mental blockage that prevented him from indulging himself, almost in offense that deprived him of how easy it is for you to regulate him back down to normal.

so now, when spencer reid puts on a record you don’t startle anymore when a couple minutes later strong arms snake around your waist, occasionally turning you around to be face to face but not always, and rests his head in the crook of your neck after a long day. it’s not surprising when he molds himself to you like he always does and you just move to the melody in the room together. you know the drill at this point, a subconscious response whenever you hear music in the apartment.

spencer reid should have known that during the times his mind becomes too much for him that letting you hold it and him while slowly dancing would be the perfect remedy.

[canine-witch]

What Do People Desire From You ~ Pick A Pile

I channeled a question today through a song. The song is in French, but the album art was a young lady looking behind her, her back facing the audience. The question "what do people desire from you" popped into my head, and I decided to make this reading to bring clarity.

Drink some water, pick a pile, and feel free to reject what does not resonate. Check at the bottom of the reading for channeled songs.

☁️ kofi - pac masterlist ☁️

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨��* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *

Pile One: The Carousel

People desire your destiny. You are beginning something new. Maybe a new job, a new hobby, or moving out of your current home. People around you can sense that you're going through a transition for the better, and want what you have.

You may not see yourself the way that others do. You may feel like you are running in circles, trying to catch up to everyone else. A force pushed the oracle card indicating this, trying to hide it from view. People do not want you to know that this period of questioning who you are and why you're doing any of this, will lead to a better life. They are scared of you leveling up, and leaving them behind.

Your best option at this moment is to lay low. Take time for yourself, find direction in your life. Know that you have enough time to do all you need and then some. It may not feel like you are moving forward, but all that you are accomplishing is not in vain. Don't let them cover your star, move in silence and grace, and learn all you can.

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *

Pile Two: The Fountain Stairs

People desire your spirit. You may be a reader yourself, or some kind of energy worker or psychic. You have won multiple conflicts in your life, coming out on top and letting your light shine. You may be shy and wary, but this is because you have overcame much alone, and you aren't willing to get into more fights. People see this, but they are still fighting their own battles, and want you at their side.

There is something about you they cannot have. You have a heavy energy of creation and manifestation, able to make what you desire become reality. Others don't understand that the reason you are able to do this is through hard work, work they can do themselves. This is not a talent, this is a skill you have developed. They want you to fight their demons or others with them.

You need to look in yourself and ask if you truly want to fight with these people, or for them. You are weary from life, even if you are a young person, and you are not willing to break your personal peace at this point. But, these people could mean something to you, or be able to stand on their own eventually. Listen to your heart, draw cards for yourself, or have a reading done with the question, "Should I fight for them?". Your answer can only come through your spirit.

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *

Pile Three: The Aviary

They desire your mind. You are highly gifted, highly attuned, and highly intelligent. You may feel trapped in your own mind, unable to escape your own intellect. You may be able to recognize patterns before other people. You have avoided much disaster and conflict through your intelligence, some battles you didn't even know you avoided. You are highly attuned to justice, blind to your emotions and relying on logic, even while perhaps being a spiritual person. This aspect of swords with you has caused conflict, many have said that you don't feel enough emotion. But, they secretly admire you and desire your intelligence.

They are envious of your intelligence. Often in our world, people place intelligence on such a high pedestal, and think that your life automatically becomes easier when you are as smart as you are. You have left many places with people like these, jealous people who always tried to one up you and halt your progress, without looking inwards to their own strengths.

You need to just be yourself. Don't worry right now about expressing yourself emotionally. You need to accept your logical side before you even think to begin working on emotions. People who wish you the worst are oftentimes the one begging you to respond in anger or sadness, when that isn't you, no matter how "healthy" it may be. This does not align with your personality. Use your head, learn all you can, and accept you are not a person who's first idea is to work off emotions.

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *

Pile Four: The Garden Windows

They desire your ability to detach. You may have been told before that you are quick to anger and overly aggressive. That you must be gentler and give people second chances. You know that your strength keeps you safe and keeps people out of your life, and you are angered by people's insistence to coddle them. I am seeing a strong force with you, one that is highly intuitive and spiritual. You know yourself, and you know what is good for you. You are able to easily leave situations which are not in alignment with your higher self nor what you need at this time. People envy this ability to detach and want better for yourself.

They want your fire to be settled, like a campfire. They want to warm themselves and their egos with your praise and attention, but they have not earned it. I am feeling a heavy sigh or speaking from anger with your energy right now. But, your confidence in yourself is faltering, as it seems nowhere is the right place, and nobody is the right person. Do not stray off your path. Those who leave and fall away, do so because they cannot walk this path with you. You are facing the darkest parts of yourself and improving your mind and soul every day.

You expect greatness of yourself, and those around you. This makes you a true friend. Be patient, be still, ask questions, and live with your lonliness, even learn to cherish it. You are your own best friend, and you can never leave yourself. Learn to take the best only, even if it hurts sometimes.

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *

Channeled Songs:

Pile One: did i tell you that i miss you by adore

Pile Two: Hate by ThxSoMch

Pile Three: Teen Idle by Marina (and the Diamonds)

Pile Four: YKWIM? By Yot Club

pac requests open! Thank you so much for your time and energy, have a wonderful day!

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *

[cheriladycl01]

Better than me - Charles Leclerc x Reader P11

Plot: You are a rookie in your first f1 season, adding to the ever-growing amount of Brits performing in the grid

A/N: I feel like i haven't posted in so long because ive been stuck on this one chapter, and where the season isn't on right now i've distanced myself from F1 a little. I know this chapter is short but i fear its what i needed to get myself writing for F1 again.

You sat politely in the media pen, with a bottle of water before being directed next to Lando for a seat.

All of the media came in ready to start asking questions and interviewing you guys for the media panel.

It was the first race back for you where you’d actively talked to the media so it was a little nerve wracking knowing that you’d be asked if you were truly ready to come back or if it would be more beneficial for you to take some more time off and wait.

Having people like Lando was helpful as he was one of the people who checked up on you while you were out of races, he’d never spent prolonged periods of times away from the races when everyone else was racing so he didn’t actually know what it felt like.

But he of course wasn't Charles.

After your last conversation with the Ferrari driver he had become someone you thought about far too often for your own liking. He was constantly in the back of your mind and it was becoming very annoying.

And now that you were here, at a race and going to be back in the first time since your crash you saw him everywhere. And not just as a physical person, he was on the merch in the fan zone, and his face was plastered all over banners and every Ferrari you saw drive through the streets had you holding your breath wondering whether it could be him.

It never was, strangely since arriving on the Tuesday you never saw him. You couldnt really tell what would be better though. A large part of you wanted to see him, yell at him, hug him and be comforted by him. Another part of you just really wanted to ignore him and forget he even existed.

But at the end of the day, yours and Charles relationship in the short time you knew one another had been chaotic to say the least with everything that had gone on in your first season in F1.

Drive to survive could most likely do a whole series just on you this one season and all the scandals that had arose.

"Y/N? It's great to see you here" the interviewer smiles kindly at you, you give a polite nod back raising the mic up to your face.

"And it feels great to finally be back after all this time" you grin, putting on the face people wanted to see.

"Yeah? Do you feel like you've given yourself enough time away to heal. Do you feel confident getting back in the car?" he asks and you nod, head tilted to the side in a thoughtful way.

"I do. I think all drivers will agree that when something sets you back you pretty much everything to get back to where you were at. A lot set me back this year and i feel better than ever and get back to what I know which is the racing" you answer with a small smile.

"It's crazy how quickly the body can recover and mentally how you can come back from something like that" he praises and you nod, not sure if it was a question or not.

"It's obviously different because the stakes are higher, but if you had an accident in your workplace im sure once you've healed you'd go right back to the job in a muscle memory way with a little more caution at the back of your mind" you explain.

He moves on asking questions to the other drivers meaning you were free to zone out and look around calming your mind for the weekend ahead.

After what felt like hours too you, the panel ended and you were dismissed back to the garage. You had a snack before wondering around looking at the car and getting a feel for it. Every weekend you had been here and not driving, just looking at the data had you itching to get back in the car.

Now that you were here you wanted to sit back in the car. You hopped in to the cockpit your hand running round the halo as you slip your feet down. It felt weird being sat in the car in your team gear and not in the racesuit, but just holding the wheel and checking all the buttons were still in the same place as when you'd left, which looking back on after you'd checked you felt silly.

"Feeling ready for the actual test tomorrow?" Alex asks coming over from his side of the garage, having been watching you for the last 5 minutes wondering if too bother you or not.

"Mmmm? Oh yeah i think so, just a lot on my mind" you say looking up at the boy who'd become like an older brother too you.

"You're gonna be just fine. You'll prove them all wrong" Alex grins and you cock your head to the side in confusion.

"I don't even know who i have to prove myself too anymore. I- just wanna drive with no expectation but i cant really do that here can i" you laugh a little bit.

"I mean, you could. Not sure how long you'd have this job for though" he jokes and you nod.

"Mmmm yeah i guess i should try. Maybe we can even gets some points tomorrow. I do feel like i've let you all down"

"You haven't, you've been healing and having a difficult time from ... what Lily's told me" he admits slowly your head shooting out to look at him.

"Sh-she told you?" You ask.

"Yeah, I know that you didn't want her to, don't take this oiut on her but she was worried about you going into this weekend and seeing him after what happened and i just wanted to let you know i am here for you and always will be. Whatever you need, an escape, a hug, a tow. I am more than just your teammate okay?" he explains rubbing your shoulder, tears filling up your waterline as you look up at him, before you head flops againt his arm.

"Thank you Alex" you sniff.

Taglist:

@littlebitchsposts @hockey-racing-fubol @laura-naruto-fan1998 @22yuki @simxican @sinofwriting @lewisroscoelove @cmleitora @daemyratwst @lauralarsen @the-untamed-soul @thewulf @itsjustkhaos @purplephantomwolf @chasing-liberosis @summissss @gulphulp @starfusionsworld @jspitwall @sierruhhhh @georgeparisole @youcannotcancelquidditch @tallbrownhairsarcastic @ourteenagetragedy @peachiicherries @formulas-bitch @cherry-piee @spilled-coffee-cup @mehrmonga @curseofhecate @alliwantisadonut @dark-night-sky-99 @i-wish-this-was-me @tallrock35 @butterfly-lover @barnestatic @landossainz @darleneslane @barcelonaloverf1life @r0nnsblog @ilove-tswizzle @laneyspaulding19 @malynn @landosgirlxoxo @marie0v @yourbane @teamnovalak @nikfigueiredo @fionaschicken @0picels0 @tinydeskwriter @ironmaiden1313 @splaterparty0-0 @formula1mount

[everytimewetouch-dot-mp3]

svsss omegaverse au no thoughts just post-canon alpha-“alpha” bingqiu ft trans omega binghe who feels safe enough to explore for the first time.

at first sqq is thoughtlessly cruel about it— ‘binghe is an alpha among alphas; surely he shouldn’t be building nests. what’s all this fake whining—binghe can’t trick me into staying home longer by playing at being an omega. binghe’s kneading at me like a child; he really should stop that before someone mistakes him for an omega.’

never any true malicious intention, but the kind of casual sexism that flourishes in someone who has never thought to examine their beliefs or behaviors. he’s constantly communicating to binghe ‘it is wrong for an alpha to behave like an omega; being an omega is bad; you are finding comfort in the wrong things and you need to stop.’

i was trying to picture how it might come to a head. maybe a plant or potion that affects alpha and omega dynamic sexes—essentially swaps alphas into omegas and vice versa. maybe it needs dual cultivation to cure, and suddenly binghe tries his damndest to avoid sex as long as he can.

but i think what i like better is a lot more mundane.

during a period on qjp, sqq goes out to tend to his duties for the day and lbh decides to stay home. sqq is out, the house is warded to hell and back, and binghe is properly alone. so he builds a nest, and he lets himself purr even though it sounds wrong to his ears. he lets himself feel safe and comfortable and vulnerable.

and then sqq gets home early, sees binghe acting like an omega, and is confused. because binghe is the alpha-est alpha to ever alpha. so he must be confused, if he’s behaving like this.

so he scolds his husband—not overly harsh, in his opinion, but with the clear intention to correct this. (maybe he’s a bit flustered because binghe looks so cute like this, and then he feels guilty for finding it cute. clearly something is wrong if his number-one-alpha husband is acting like this.)

‘binghe, what’s gotten into you, acting like this? are you a full-grown alpha or aren’t you? what kind of fearsome demon lord rolls around in a nest of another alpha’s clothes like some kind of omega? get up binghe, get—’

and binghe just. cries. not the dramatic waterworks that he uses to tease sqq and get his way—there’s no blubbering, no whining, no begging shizun to reconsider. binghe just sort of shuts down, murmurs a hollow, tight-throated ‘yes, shizun,’ and gets up. takes apart the nest as he’s told and cries quietly, because clearly there is something wrong with him. but if sqq doesn’t want him to be that way, he won’t be that way, no matter how it hurts to pack all his softness away.

and immediately sqq sees that he’s fucked up. he doesn’t really understand how, but he sees that he’s hurt binghe deeply, so he stills binghe’s slow, heavy movements as he takes apart his little nest, and he pulls binghe into a warm embrace.

‘binghe…’ he doesn’t know what else to say, so that’s all he says for a while. rubs binghe’s back, strokes his hair, holds him gently and waits for him to calm before he finally, finally asks. why the nests? why all the little things he’s been doing to make himself more like an omega? why play at being something he’s not?

and all binghe can say, voice tiny and vulnerable, is ‘but shizun, i think maybe i am.’

[gayofthefae]

Thinking about this post I just made about how though their feelings are mutual and have been, they only ever mutually flirt in a single two line exchange - "I didn't say it" "you didn't have to" - with completely logical following reactions of "shit, I didn't think I'd get this far" and going awkwardly silent for a second before moving on with the original conversation topic. And that post dives into that moment and motivation for the painting from Will's side...

But now I'm thinking about it from Mike's side. Now I'm thinking, as I periodically do, about the timing of Mike's behavior and the shift in it after El leaves.

Not just after she is physically absent, because he was not this way when they broke up in season 3, but much more akin to season 2 - a time where he also did not expect her to come back to him. "A fight we can't come back from" seals the deal on this perception being the motivation.

Mike becomes more romantically-coded with Will following his belief that they'll break up, we know this already, but I had never before tracked that that wasn't something he'd done before in this way. He had not flirted with Will before, not really.

Their past encounters were 'if we're both having trauma hallucinations, at least we're together <3' 'i'll protect you and make sure you're safe' 'you're the best thing i've ever done' 'you won't replace me, right?' and immediately following this 'i deeply miss you in my life and the unknown is less scary with you'

But they've never had just a little banter-y exchange in this tone like this. What happens every time is Mike gives a borderline love confession and Will says "yeah" or "cool", Will delivers a line a little flirty and Mike just beams, but never responds.

But this time Mike responded. That is yet another sign of what point he's gotten to in giving up on his relationship. It plays as a repetition - not in a bad way - of his past behaviors and heartfelt speeches towards Will. But it isn't. It's a step further. And the timing of it being a step-further is not to be overlooked, because they didn't step them forward one step every season consistently. They didn't do so in season 3. But they did it here.

Here, they had Mike say he did not believe his relationship with El would survive then not only immediately flirt with Will, but in a way he never had before. That changes it from coping or escapism to action. It could have been passive. It could have been entertainment. It could have been fantasy...if he had ever done it before. Because if it were fictive to him, there would have been no consequences to doing it before either

But the withholding of it makes it new and makes it a choice. Mike picked up what Will was putting down in this capacity for the first time. Love may be strong but it's ambiguous and flirting is a hell of a lot more direct. Mike shifted tactics here when given the opportunity.

Whether he knew it consciously or not, he gave up on El enough to pursue Will. By very definition, pursue means to advance. And he advanced into something he had not done before. He responded.

[kyouka-supremacy]

shin soukoku sleepy headcanons? 👀

Hi thank youuuuuuu ♡♡♡♡♡♡ I'm taking this literally and delivering sskk sleeping habits headcanons:

Okay okay about their sleeping schedules, those are mostly supported by the second guidebook. I agree Atsushi wakes up at dawn because that's what he was used to at the orphanage, and the habit stuck with him.

I also agree that, at least as far as canon goes, Akutagawa sleeps awfully little (around two or three hours per night), if at all; so he's BOTH the night owl and the early bird. I gotta add that at least once every week he'll just pass out for several hours because a routine like that is physically impossible to sustain. It's the trauma + hypervigilance + just the feeling that he hasn't done enough and that he needs to do more. All hail the self-destructive habits king!!

That's the reason why, in the first period after they got together, Atsushi had to take on the habit of just. forcing Akutagawa to go to sleep. Use a blanket to capture him like he was a wild beast if you wish. Akutagawa retaliated using Rashomon so that ended up backfiring, but the point stands that they had to have actual physical fights just for Atsushi to overpower Akutagawa long enough to force him to bed. “You know, you wouldn't have been so easy to knock out if you had been well rested, so get. some. sleep.”

That leads to Atsushi being the big spoon, half solely because that way he can keep Akutagawa from running away. It gradually gets better though, eventually Akutagawa learns to just deal with it.

That said, I would really like Akutagawa to answer to his real nature of someone who wakes up very late... Even though as of canon right now this feels too much of wishful thinking... But maybe in the future one day......... (╥﹏╥)

Both of them are ridiculously light sleepers. That's what trauma and years of compulsory hypervigilance does to you. There's no way of moving near them without immediately waking them up.

Atsushi is the one who reads in bed!!!! I'm once again pushing my Atsushi likes to read / Akutagawa doesn't agenda.

Both big on separation anxiety– I'm a firm believer that Atsushi wouldn't have separation anxiety for Akutagawa if only he didn't experience watching Akutagawa die in front of him. Now, at least for the first few months after the doa events, he gets very apprehensive when he's not around Akutagawa + is scared of sleeping without him in case something happens while he's away + would panic if he was to wake up without him by his side. It gets better with time, but I think it will stick within Atsushi the fear of losing Akutagawa, a fear that he wouldn't have had if not for the events of the fight against Fukuchi.

Akutagawa has abandonment issues in general because of the day Dazai left the Port Mafia. I'm really attached to the headcanon that because Atsushi leaves earlier for work, he does his very best to make it so that when Akutagawa wakes up it will be the least upsetting for him, sending him texts, leaving post-its and notes around, preparing him breakfast / lunch to find, making his passage as evident as he can, so that he can reassure Akutagawa as much as possible that he'll be back. I think Atsushi would be the kind to have that sort of sensibility.

Both of them have frequent nightmares! Hurray! (Unrelated related note, but if we count in Beast, we've seen akuatsu both having nightmares in canon material). Atsushi dreams of the orphanage, of the ada insulting and rejecting him like the orphanage director used to do, of Akutagawa dying in front of his eyes. Akutagawa dreams of the night his family was killed, of Gin being hurt or taken away from him, of Dazai.

Akutagawa is the silent type who's gotten used to nightmares over a very long time, so it's harder for Atsushi to notice when it happens; but when Atsushi does notice, he takes great care of verbally reassuring Akutagawa until he's calmed down, because he's a good person.

Atsushi's nightmares are a little more sporadic but very intense, and he'll wake up having full-blown panic attacks. Akutagawa isn't good, at all, at comforting others (please please peoples stop making Akutagawa speak like he's just swallowed a psychology book), but he does what he can to make Atsushi aware that he's by his side, and oftentimes that's everything that Atsushi needs.

I really want to stretch that even though Akutagawa doesn't do much that would comfort a normal person, he always ends up being of great moral support for Atsushi, even if by his presence alone– and that's canon. What wouldn't work for normal people works for them, because they're Just Like That.

Cliché trope I know but one I'll never get tired of, Atsushi calming down by laying his head on Akutagawa's chest and listening to his heartbeat. Akutagawa's heartbeat sounding especially strong and real to Atsushi due to his tiger sense of hearing, and grounding him. It's important for Atsushi because it reminds him that Akutagawa is alive, and that he's not alone. I really want to stretch the second point: Atsushi fears being left alone greatly, and it's always - and perhaps only - Akutagawa's presence that can reassure Atsushi that he isn't.

[billy-royalton]

Top 10 lawrusso fics

yay! okay these are in no particular order but i am so happy to rec them :)

The Nail, the Shoe, the Horse, the Rider by @vimesbootstheory is it cheating to suggest a series? if so, then i'm cheating throughout this because there are some excellent series in this fandom. my god, i loved this fic. the plot, first of all, is so creative and interesting! daniel is a time traveler who travels in time to save johnny from his (what feels like inevitable) death at the hands of kreese! like WHAT A PLOT! the lawrusso is a lovely, aching slow burn and the daniel/amanda is so compelling. one of the best fics i have ever read in any fandom hands down.

I Wanna Be Yours by @darthdisco (another series shh) oh how i absolutely ADORE this series!! cw: bdsm so if that's not your thing then i understand but beyond the (fantastic, masterful, beautiful, incredible) smut, the insight into both johnny and daniel as characters and the dynamic that plays between them is so spot on!!! if you like smut that also makes you FEEL then this is the fic for you.

Tuning by menocchio another creatively written fic in this list that starts as a tkk-verse with Signal Studies and then takes place about a decade or so after with Noise Breaking (and Noise Breaking really is THAT girl for me) and i'm not giving anything away just read them both. the author's grasp on dialogue and their ability to flesh out background characters like susan and barbara so well is nothing short of masterful.

what kinda man doesn't by menocchio the tkk-verse road trip fic that will make you cry!!! or at least made ME cry. god, i think about going back to this one often it's another fic that is one of my favorite fics i've ever read in any fandom. the voices of the characters are spot on and the end of this fic is like a big sweeping crescendo that washes over you in the best way possible.

A Fake Date for Christmas by @darthdisco it's like sarah found my "favorite tropes" bingo card and said challenge accepted!!! fake dating!! hurt/comfort!! miscommunciation!! STRIPPER!JOHNNY!! like what do you have to lose with this one!!!!

The Recidivists by @vimesbootstheory the fic that swept the tkk-ck fic awards last year AND FOR DAMN GOOD REASON. what sucked me in was the tag "and they were cell mates" i just immediately clicked from that point and am so, so glad i did.

Bite-Sized by kdyelo i am, admittedly, obsessed with the unknown time period between december 19, 1984 and s1e1 of cobra kai and any fic that plays with that time period is an automatic read for me. but this one was just so beautifully written and had an engaging plot (and a twist!) that kept me clicking next chapter on the edge of my seat!

there's daggers in men's smiles by pinkgrapefloyd i know fuck all about fencing but i felt like i didn't even need to because the author just got the tone and the relationship and the dynamics down so perfectly. one of those fics that i think about out of nowhere from time to time it really stuck with me.

as dark as a wounded doe by honeyvenom jfc this fic. THIS FIC. honeyvenom is one of my favorite writers and what she's written for this fandom is exquisite truly anything she wrote for lawrusso is golden but this fic is just something else entirely. this fic takes place on the night of kreese's murder at the hands of johnny and the cobras and the lawrusso in it is just BEAUTIFUL. there's also a sequel/interlude lamb heart, put my hands around you that is stunningly done and i would recommend it even if you don't read doe.

...and when the rain washes you clean (you'll know) by Storiesofmylife another karate kid-verse fic and i just love the way this author got daniel's teen voice down! wonderfully written tension in this fic. when i need a little tkk-verse, this is the fic i come back to!

[milky-rozen]

I made a poll on Instagram asking my followers about the biggest misconceptions in Egyptian mythology, and here’s what they had to say! I’ve organized the list based on the number and popularity of the responses:

ENNEAD has spread so much misinformation that now people think that not only is the manhwa 100% accurate, but also that Osiris is a bad guy and Horus and Set have always been nothing but lovers.

Set is an evil god… just like Sekhmet and Khonsu (thanks, MARVEL).

Anubis and the other underworld deities are evil, and the Duat is basically hell.

Some gods are purely evil, while others are too good to be true.

The Egyptian gods are just like the Greek ones and have simple, one-dimensional roles (e.g., Hathor is only the goddess of beauty and love, Thoth is just the god of knowledge, etc.).

The gods are actually ALIENS 🤯

They all have animal heads.

Anubis is the only underworld deity.

Bastet and Anubis are overrated (pop culture has to be blamed here).

"The Egyptians believed that the most significant thing you could do in your life was die!"

Horus is just one god/Horus the Younger and Horus the Elder are the same god.

Now,

On a personal note, I blame laziness and fandom culture as the biggest sources of these misconceptions. Of course, there’s more to it than meets the eye, and I’m oversimplifying a lot here for the sake of not writing a whole essay on the matter (lol), but I couldn’t help noticing a pattern. Pop culture, Hollywood, and the media in general are taken way too seriously these days. People don’t go beyond the handful of sources they’re familiar with, yet they still feel entitled to argue with others based on that limited knowledge they have at hand.

Unfortunately, Egyptian mythology isn’t easy to approach, especially without understanding its cultural context. Its particularistic nature (where myths and deities can vary depending on the region, time period, or religious shifts) makes it especially confusing for those who are used to other enstablished and more unified mythological canons out there. So, in a way, I get where some people are coming from. It’s not always easy to dive into something so complex right from the start! But on the other hand,,, I think people should learn to embrace the complexity of mythology instead of always taking the easy route! Anyway, that’s all I had to share! Do you have any other misconceptions you'd like to add to the list? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

[tani-b-art]

there’s always that one person. that somebody. that someone who has had the most influence on helping to shape who you are. crystal is ava’s.

when ava responded with, “of course” after crystal told her “thank you, for what you did in there” and following when crystal said, “i appreciate it…” both of those reactions from ava were out of surprise and humility. she wasn’t expecting her to say any of that but you can see how much ava was so happy to hear it. elicited some real unsuspected mushiness from her and it looked like when a child is proud they gained their patent’s approval for a good thing they did. very meek in the cutest of ways. soft ava — the fact that crystal can still touch that special spot in ava even with them not being on good terms tells a lot, too. the fact that ava told her, “of course”…saying that tells that despite their not so good place, she still wanted to look out for her and it wasn’t a question. it’s almost as if she said you’re still my soror, you’re still my sister, you’re still my friend (i still remember how special you made me feel—on all levels of their friendship and/or relationship) and i wanted to help you and could, so i did. for ava’s immediate reaction to be so empathetic to hearing crystal in distress about not being successful in her bid for their funds—to me, that seems like she’s witnessed crystal in this position/state before (back in the day) and her instinct to so quickly recognize that coming from her…it was all still in her memory bank and ava was there then and now to be the calm to her storm and to find someway to fix whatever it was that has crystal anxious. it feels like a lot of ava’s reaction to crystal was from recalling and recognizing old times. ava didn’t mind putting the long-standing rivalry between them went on temporary pause so she can be there for her. even with their beef, ava keeps that special place for crystal open just a little.

(come to think of it, ava may get a surprise visit from crystal at abbott with the purposes to ask for her forgiveness. that lingering conversation will finally be had. they’ll talk it out, crystal will admit she did ava wrong, ava will accept her forgiveness and that’ll be the closure they, mostly ava, need(s))

if we’re never told about her & crystal’s backstory during their college/sorority days, i think we all can very much piece everything together without an actual episode. there’s so much explained in their few but extremely pivotal interactions — and we clearly see just how affected ava still is to this day with crystal. it appears as though the one person ava has gotten close to by choice (not familial) or allowed herself to be open to really damaged her in a formative period in her life and that person was crystal. and crystal betrayed her. their connection was good in the beginning and then turned not good at all. maybe it wasn’t crystal’s intention to hurt ava (idk why but in my deciphering of them, i believe crystal’s whole purpose of befriending ava initially was based in something that was contrived but along the way, crystal actually started to like ava, not just on a friend level either, and then it turned ugly when their situation got “exposed” to their sorority and crystal decided to keep her reputation intact and save face)…i’m still debating on if any of their falling out was intentional on that account or not. but however it played out, crystal’s actions definitely hurt ava and created this persona in ava. the emotionally impenetrable person she is. but, it’s obvious how that glass of protection she formed for self is slowly being built down because of people like janine and o’shon who aren’t crystal. both of them (especially janine; tbh, I would also add iggy because they have a relationship that seems just as impactful but probably was right after crystal—not sure on the timeframe yet but it seems like he came into her life at an aligning time) are helping her realize that she won’t need that protective glass anymore whenever she shares intimate moments with them…the image that comes to mind with ava and her glass of protection is the enchanted rose inside of the glass dome. she’s the rose that placed herself inside of it out of self-protection. it’s still a glass but it doesn’t have the purpose of running out of time (like the fairytale) so she has time to see everyone for who they really are. all the new people in her life (janine, o’shon) that show her any signs of like and love have been treating her that way in genuine kindness and in sincere care and it’s safe. and because it’s safe and considerate and w/o malice, she can dismount the dome that’s been shielding her and let herself experience those beautiful acts from the people who care for her. there’s honesty in their feelings towards her. so that glass dome, it served its purpose. she can reveal herself from underneath it.

we’ve gotten lots of soft, delicate and vulnerable Ava this season. she feels very safe with the people she’s allowed to see this side of her which shows how much she feels protected to let down her walls and unmasks herself around them. she obviously isn’t able to allow this often because her reactions to folks being kind, patient and gentle with her proves how foreign it is—it’s an act of love she isn’t too familiar with because she’s not gotten it very often. probably only from her grandmother so it coming from non-family seems jarring to her but y’all know she absolutely loves it! so seeing her let it happen and momentarily receive it to let her soft come forth is…soft.

it’s soft and still very powerful too. and it’s beautiful because it’s brave and graceful. i would even say her timidity is beautiful, brave and graceful just as well. so sweet. so kind. all very attractive.

Ava is allowing Ava!

(a lot of this soft Ava awakening is in large part to Janine)

[papercranesandpride]

I've never actually talked about why I identify as loveless, have I? I want to do that. I think my experience with it is interesting.

A lot of time lovelessness is paired with aromanticism and aplatonicism, and that's interesting because while I am both, it isn't about either of them for me. It's really just a consequence of my schizophrenia. I have pretty much always been apl and aro, but I definitely used to feel love.

I had a pretty sudden psychotic break. It dulled all my feelings pretty much immediately. For a while there, they were pretty much gone, and they're still significantly less strong. That includes love. I did used to feel love. And then suddenly, I didn't.

I panicked a lot. A lot, a lot. I cried about it. For a while I only sent people orange heart emoji to signify the lack of real love. The only way I eventually got past it was by concluding that I did love other people. Clearly I did. I continued talking to them. I did things for them. I maintained relationships with them. I worried about them. Obviously if I did all of that, I still loved them. All of that is love. Love is a choice. It's a continuous action. It isn't just a feeling.

Except that's bullshit. It took me years to realize, but it is. Why did I need to feel love in the first place? Why was love something I needed to have? It's just a feeling. It's one thing that a person can experience. Nothing more and nothing less. Yes, it means a lot to a lot of people. That's great for them. So do football, and Star Wars, and Jesus, and Disney. None of those are mandatory, though. None of them are claimed to be universal across the human experience. No one says that being a fan of any of them is what makes you a good person. If you woke up one day and suddenly stopped caring about any of those things, the sudden change would definitely alarm you, but you wouldn't need to find a way to like them again. You'd be okay without them. The same should be true of love.

Because you know what? I used to feel love. And for about five years now, I pretty much don't. It really hasn't made a difference. A lot has changed in my life. Some things are better. Some are worse. I've certainly discovered a hell of a lot about myself that I didn't know when I was 16. But if I got love back? I don't think it wouldn't improve or worsen any of it. I wouldn't mind feeling love again. It wouldn't cause any problems. If tomorrow I started feeling it again, it'd be weird as hell, but I wouldn't be upset. But I don't particularly want it, either. I'm used to living this way. Having an additional feeling seems unnecessary.

There's nothing wrong with not feeling love. Period. End of story. Whether you demonstrate any kind of devotation or caring towards other people or not. Whether you still have friends, family, and lovers or not. Whether you can pass as someone who does feel love or not. It's just a different experience. That's all. Deciding that any one experience is the one that counts, that matters, that is universal and makes us human, is pointless and ridiculous. We all experience and define and feel things differently and that's the entire point.

That's why I don't use that word anymore, even for the handful of people who I do genuinely still feel something warm and fuzzy for (pretty much just family — my sister, my brother, my grandfather, some aunts and uncles). I'm still not over how fucked up it was that I needed to make up a way that I did love all the other people in my life when I just didn't, just to feel like I was a complete person. That's bullshit. I don't like it. And as a result, I reject the entire concept. I don't need it. It isn't my experience. It isn't useful to me. I don't love. That's fine, actually.

(Also please don't have your takeaway from this be "schizophrenics don't feel love." I've never heard another schizophrenic have this outlook on love. Love is experienced and defined in different ways by different people, and schizophrenia manifests differently for everyone. This is just about me.)

[thedissonantverses]

Am a non-binary person who identifies frequently as Transgender. It was my understanding as of what is now probably old information from 2015-2018 era, that transgender is the absolute umbrella term for everyone outside of the gender normative (queer being above that one, being an umbrella term for everyone outside of the normative period).

When Taash says they are not trans, I suspect they meant trans in the specific context as it applied to Mae (who was AMAB trans female), as it was Mae who Taash spoke to.

For anyone curious in the order of umbrella terms as I understood them:

Queer < Transgender < Non-Binary (yes this is also an umbrella term) < specific gender identity

And there might even be more steps between. Feel free to correct me though, as I am of the older queer crowd and likely running on outdated definitions (but wiki seems to support... doesn't mean it's right at this current time)

Hahaha no worries! I’m glad people feel they can talk about this stuff with me. I want to be a safe person for the community and I’m glad y’all feel comfortable enough to chat with me about it!!

I think where this gets people is not every non-binary person considers themselves trans! And there has been push back at least in my circles because trans to some means they’re “supposed” to transition at some point. But not every non-binary person feels that way and many aren’t comfortable with the implication they need to fit somewhere on the gender binary. But like you said a lot of non-binary people are perfectly fine with being seen as trans.

And because it’s so new in English to even be acknowledging trans people exist I think people sometimes get lost in the weeds on the semantics. Because I think your interpretation of Taash is correct they’re not trans in that they don’t seem to have any interest in transitioning to another gender. Non-binary seems to suit them just fine. But as a broader label trans works if we’re saying something along the lines of “Taash is a member of the trans community.” If that makes sense.

This is one reason I caution people against getting too invested in labels! When we start getting super concrete it can come across as gatekeeping especially when talking to other queer communities from different regions. We start policing each other when really it’s meant to increase understanding between us. The language around this is changing all of the time as our understanding and the science does as well. On top of English isn’t really good for capturing all the nuances of gender as it is.(I don’t think that’s what you’re doing anon! It’s just where the seams in the community start to show)

https://www.rainbow-project.org/what-we-do-mean-by-trans-or-non-binary/

Again I am far from the last word on the subject and if others have more thoughts I welcome them! This is also a subject that varies quite a bit region to region and culture to culture and it’s why we want to encourage more trans and non-binary rep across the board. But also I want to encourage other non-westerners to voice their opinions too! Third genders are quite varied and it’s a subject with a lot of history tied up in it that’s broader than I want to put into a tumblr post at the moment haha.